#the wound has healed for me now
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march 22nd no longer holds any real meaning (sadness) for me, it’s great
#and yes i know i’m writing this on 23rd march#what i mean by no meaning is that i don’t feel mournful anymore bc they’re an active band and they’re doing it their way on their schedule#how they want with no pressure and they’re happy 🙂#the wound has healed for me now#now if only frank would stop giving so much attention to the side piece (legally a joke)
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heads up: (TW blood/blood loss mention from accidental injury in post and tags)
probs not gonna stream tonight because I feel so dead and I actually just physically hurt myself really fucking badly, not purposely—don’t think I did this intentionally, and have to clean up a giant bloody fucking mess now so I’m just 🫠 ugh. I hate being inconvenienced with shit like this due to my own fucking issues with my coordination and a lack of reaction time because I feel weird right now in general and I’m struggling to feel like an actual person mentally so like … it definitely fucked me up today when I was distracted and unfocused and managed to hurt myself.
I’ll see how I feel tomorrow night after dealing all this, but if I do stream tomorrow then it’ll likely start around 7pm (east coast US time) as that’s the most common time I’ve been recommended. a post will be made beforehand on whether I plan to or not to, along with the twitch link.
but right now I just REALLY need to clean up this fucking mess and lay down. I got myself BAD and I think I need to try and nap after I clean this up because fucking hell, it hurt, and it made me feel sick at the same time so 🙃
#my hand is covered in blood. my thigh is covered in blood. as if it wasn’t already in rough shape.#nope just had to go and rip open an already healing wound on accident and cause this fucking mess.#my comforter even has a blood stain on it from the damage I did to myself ………. I guess this needs to be retired sooner than I thought#because I’m not dealing with trying to peroxide the stain out. I don’t have the energy. it’s just trash at this point.#I have to go clean myself up and hope this closes back up quickly because I have nothing I can bandage it up with 🙃🙃🙃#but also fucking hell I think I lost more blood than I thought I did initially because I feel nauseas and dizzy and I’m anemic#so this feeling usually happens when I’m on my period. that’s why I feel it’s blood loss related 🫠#anyways. I’m fine. I think. I don’t know. I will be eventually. just made a stupid mistake and caught a scab and ripped the whole fucking#wound back open so 🫠🙃 lucky me#don’t worry about me I just wanted to explain why I don’t feel up to streaming tonight I’m sorry y’all#my extra lack of coordination absolutely has to be attributed to the fact that my sleeping meds fucking ran out so I haven’t slept in days 🙃#and probably not really eating that often isn’t helping but whatever#but now I have blood dripping down my entire leg so I’ve gotta go get this sorted and force myself to sleep#sorry about not being able to stream tonight y’all :/ I feel so bad
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been thinking a lot about my royai kid ideas lately but i don't think a lot of people will like them because i don't name the kid after maes lol
#and also I focus more on riza's traumatic upbringing rather than only addressing roy being sad about maes#also it's 03royai usually#crystal convos#i have my own personal bias against the idea of their baby being named after maes#in part because i dont think the wound will ever be healed enough for roy to be able to not associate it w the pain of losing his friend#i also cannot explain just how much the idea of naming my own child directly after my dead sister makes me want to die so. pure projection#i think my problem with a lot of royai kid stuff is that riza has an explicitly traumatic childhood in her background and no one explores i#because they're so focused on roy struggling with feeling like he can never measure up to hughes--which is fine but WHAT ABOUT RIZA#One aspect abt Riza's trauma that I explore with my royai kid stuff is the theme of alchemist fathers and their children they abuse/neglect#Riza herself; Nina Tucker; the Elrics... And now she is having an alchemist's child
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Yukio strikes me as the kind of guy with absolutely fucked up cuticles cuz he scratches them as a nervous habit
#Rin used to bite his cuticles but he stopped after he became a demon cuz it hurt too much#So now he nags Yukio about his#It's the gifted kid burnout stress#Rin is definitely the type of guy to scratch scabs till they become scars tho#Which Yukio nags him about so it's a fair trade#Another day of me projecting onto these twins#Rin probably scratches at wounds that healed and opens them up which has gotten way worse since he got demon claws#Blue exorcist#ao no exorcist#rin okumura#yukio okumura
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#nico rosberg#lewis hamilton#brocedes#f1#im sorry mr rosberg you know of the 6 different times Lewis hamilton has had a 1st lap crash#are u crazy sir#you dont think lewis isnt lying in his bed at night trying to sleep but he cant#because hes remembering the times nico and him used to lie in the bed for their shared hotel room shirtless and in boxers#trading secrets whilst munching on kellogs frosties#web weaving#they ruin me#they are my roman empire#the whole idea of just THEM drives me crazy because how?#how did this shakesperean tragedy just happen like right in front of our eyes on the tv#tf#the way lewis barely talks about nico but could muster up anecdotes about THEM as their friendship was going up in burning embers#at his worst he was able to say it#but now that time has healed that wound he cannot#the way nico couldn't compliment lewis then because his ego was too big and now he never stops#time has not healed that wound theres a faint scar that smt catches lewis' eyes and hes right back there again#only for a moment tho#he never lets his brain linger for too long#nico finds lewis on everything#the color red and nico is back hugging lewis with his vodafone red overalls
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nothing broke me more in yesterday's episode than realizing that the only reason why ruby doesn't describe weiss to little when looking for blake and yang simply is because she thinks weiss made it to vacuo. girlie already racking up seven different kinds of breakdowns and she doesn't even know her best friend's presence on the island is going to introduce a brand new one... please pray for ruby rose because she's about to eat dust this volume
#rwby v9 spoilers#v8 was truly all kinds of good but one of the best because it gave me v8c13/14#which are simply masterpieces. like... yang sacrificing herself to save ruby and leading to her falling off the platform#IN FRONT OF BLAKE#who just got yang back#so obviously blake does the only thing she thinks of. and launches gambol shroud and MISSES#and then her next step is to try and follow yang because she PROMISED she wasn't leaving her again. and weiss holds her back#and she won't let her go over the edge#then they're back to fighting and blake tries to save ruby. and fails. and they're both falling#and weiss.... WEISS HAS TO WITNESS IT ALL#her friends her FAMILY seemingly fell to their deaths and there was nothing she could do#but it doesn't stop there. because then penny gets mortally wounded and jaune has to mercy kill her#and weiss sees it happening again. she lost so many people#AND ALL OF THIS HAPPENED IN A TWO EPISODE SPAN#AND NOW THEY GOTTA DEAL WITH THE AFTERMATH WHILE IN AN UNKNOWN REALM#AND MOST LIKELY WITHOUT THEIR AURAS#oh team rwby.... what emotional horrors are you going to face next. where is the line going to be drawn#when ruby finally can't take it anymore and snaps and lashes out and they all get a peek at the teenager ruby shouldve been#because she's finally the same age as them when it all started. they didn't get to be teens either#but on god they gotta make sure ruby gets to heal as well#im gonna fucking SCREAM#bumbleby#rwby
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#i’m just whining at this point ignore me#man. don’t you love needing surgery right at the start of your break so now you couldn’t do anything besides lying down terribly in pain an#exhausted???#and it’s healing and all but you still can’t walk without feeling like someone is hammering a nail into the wound#ahah ha. ha.#of course i still worry about it getting worse somehow.#and it’s affecting the blorbo time as well and i hate it so much#constant worry about larian making changes to the game that would force me to scrap everything and just.#idk that worry about a sense of belonging i guess. but it’s fine it’s whatever i won’t have as much time#for creative shit anymore because i should have started studying days ago 👍#which is so hard to do when you’re in pain and during the rare moments you’re not you’re exhausted from it but whatever it’ll be fine i’m#idk idk
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Evan kelmp man that you are ……………..
#the psychosis metaphor. the guard dog nature. it’s not a wound it’s just healed badly. i realize this thing is just here to hurt people and#I think man I know that song and I keep kicking. telling stories that are normal to you to get a worried looks and ppl asking if you’re okay#literally brennans explanation of how evan felt fighting that salamander was so.#this character was created in a lab to make me specifically crazy. and boy oh boy is it working !#I can’t get over aabria referring to his arm as ‘not a wound just healed badly’ and that the only way to fix it is to break it again and k#being so convinced they can help it’s so. I can’t put into words buts it’s so. that’s their whole everything.#evan isn’t broken he’s just healed wrong and people around him can’t or won’t accept that. and it’s coming from a good place (sometimes)#but it has the same effect in the long run which is the reinforcement that he is wrong and bad and needs to change but he CANT bc he HAS#healed. he isn’t carrying around an open wound he has worked on that but that shit never goes away. it’s there forever and it looks wrong an#scary to people and it probably always will but it works#he said it’s different metrics of success I kept the arm and then k tries to fix and he loses the arm. do you understand me.#do you you see. can anyone fucking hear me.#it’s about being so scary to the people you love that your success is still cause for concern and they don’t understand that you’re doing#better !! you are doing good !! I’m not sad anymore he said and it’s. oh god.#anyway mismag makes me feel ill if I think about it too long so I have to stop now#prsnl
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My brother said something the other day about how no-one could prove if the current anti-Israel boycotts are actually making an impact cuz there could be other reasons people aren't eating at McDonald's or whatever
But besides the fact that there are many articles easily find-able online saying that the companies are aware of and feeling the impact of such protests, and some are even making some changes, I needed to make a point to him about why I participate in boycotts whether they're successful or not
But my brother tends to get annoyed and stop listening whenever I talk real politics, so I tried to make a really simple analogy
Let's say there's a man outside our house, and he is just beating people to death with sticks. Not people from our neighborhood, but still, people. We can't call the cops to stop him, because they think he's doing a great job. And we can close the blinds and ignore him, but he's still there and we know it.
And he has a big pile of sticks, so when one breaks he can get another to beat the next person to death with
So one day you have to go outside and the man turns to you and says, "Hey. Can you pass me a stick?"
And maybe it doesn't matter if you do or not. Maybe someone else will give him a stick anyway, or he'll get one on his own, or he'll start punching people
But I don't want to give him a stick.
And maybe I can't stop him, but I at least don't want to help him
At this point my brother tried to make a joke (because that's what he always does in every conversation) and he said something like "What if you don't give him the stick and then he beats YOU to death"
And I was like, "That's a great point, actually, because the Yemeni wouldn't let weapons shipments through their waterways so Israel bombed them."
And the analogy was broken but. I hope I made my point
Maybe I don't have the power as an individual half a world away to stop a genocide. But I at least want to not contribute to it
#i don't want to put this in the main relevant tags because i don't want to attract the ire of certain folks on this site#iykwim#mod post#family stuff#and i know i am oversimplifying massively here but i just wanted to get a point across to my brother without getting too granular about it#because he was only gonna listen for so long#i guess i am posting this in case someone else has a family member who disparages them for participating in a boycott#and maybe this analogy might help a bit#i already feel really helpless in the face of what's going on in the world so tbh it really upset me when he implied#that the boycotts may not be doing anything. maybe starbucks profits are down cuz they suck and are expensive he says#i need to believe that it is doing something. i need to believe my actions are making some tiny miniscule difference#cuz i can't donate much. i can't go over there and help people. i can't evacuate them or heal their wounds or save their families#but i can at least avoid giving my money to some of the companies that are supporting their oppressors#i wish i could avoid giving money to everyone who supports israel but unfortunately#some companies own half of everything and i can't keep track#and also i'll get in trouble if i don't pay taxes#i am babbling now sorry. it's nearly 2 am. i'm gonna... leave this here
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hurt my own goddamn feelings going in the alabama state poll tags but also made myself angry. yall motherfuckers are the reason why, when i listened to weird al's "complicated" parody in middle school, i immediately felt like i was doing something wrong or was something wrong because i was really close, best friends, with my cousin. a long ass time before i figured out i was queer, i felt dirty and dangerous and morally suspicious because of who i loved and where i came from because people still think Hurr Durr Incest State Sweet Home Alabama Stupid Redneck Cousin Kissers is a funny joke and not at all demeaning, classist, just plain mean, and very potentially damaging. get better soon.
#state poll Opinions(tm)#guess who has moral ocd about touching or looking at family members now <3#guess who is terrified at all times that if anyone sees me being affectionate with literally any family member#they will think i am a weird creepy alabamian incester#so. thank you for that. <3 thank you for persisting in new ways for me to hate the way i exist. <3#thank you for putting more guilt and shame on marginalized communities. <3#i hope it was worth it for that super funny 'incest.' joke in the poll tags along with 200 other people who had the same idea. <3#anyway i love my state. it sucks in a lot of ways but it's beautiful in a lot of other ways.#i will live here forever and i hope i will one day do good for it. help bring out its beauty and help it heal from its wounds.#i hope i can be a part of its history in some small way and that small-minded ppl never hold me back from pride in where i come from#mythtakes#(also this is why i will never be able to enjoy weird al. i don't hate the guy i don't think he's a bad artist i used to love him)#(but the wound has really never healed tbh. like that one stupid line of a stupid song literally broke something in me)
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#; ♡ ; okay to reblog#muu has admittedly been describing is self perceived melancholy and isolation regarding it#as being comparable to the circle drawn around Sadness in Inside Out due to others finding his emotions to be Too Much in capacity#and that as such he has thus been persistently trying to make himself very very small in spaces#so that maybe perhaps someone would soon be able to reside in the circle with him just until he gets to where he feels he is supposed to be#muu has also stated on numerous actions that while he is adamant about self healing he is not necessarily of preference#to not have the assistance of peers and their feedback and he tends he show it most predominantly in asking them to hear Everything#about himself in the form of the big box because one he wants assurances at the end of it all but also because he Has to be explaining#his processes of thought and general state of where he is now to people so that they may go Oh so that why you do the neurotic shit you do#but it really be hard out here when you don't know how to self advocate for a persistently emotionally present romantic partner#you don't really have any friends and you are either God awful at making new ones or you don't want to try for reasons of either#feeling scorned past close friends of yours have left time and time again OR#because you don't know what version of yourself is the Real one or the Good one or the Authentic one so you avoid socializing#until you can properly answer that dilemma but in turn you've left yourself with 1 person to seek out and talk to#but with that comes the existential dread of either a this person is also going to leave me or#b I am in fact so totally codependent on them that it isn't fair to be my sole research for assistance that I ought to fend for myself#but what do you even do to fend for yourself when you don't even know how to Advocate for yourself??#you devise a plan to shrink down and provide no indication to those around you that you are struggling with anything#that perhaps shriveling yourself down like that will allow for people to find you tolerable enough to be around#and that their presences will patch up every interpersonal wound in your system until eventually what you are faking has come true#; ♡ ; inner thoughts
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@campfire-octopus shared my tags on a post i'd reblogged a while back but that post has almost 100k notes so i'm sure they'll get lost in the noise and the more i think about it the more i think it needs to be said louder:
ripping out the damage that the church did to you really does kinda feel like getting broken glass out of your skin, and so many people are telling you the broken glass is so important; see how you bleed without it?
#deconversion#anti-religion#i didn't leave the church in anger; i left it in grief. i left it in pain. it tore my skin apart.#i realized much later that it had never not been hurting me and that glass had always been digging into my skin#but god how much worse it hurt to drag it all out and i'm still finding shards#it's much better now; the wounds are healing. the pain has been easing. the peace has been seeping in through the scars.#but my skin remembers the agony. and the blood.
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𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐁𝐄 𝐊𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐃?
knuckles. it feels as though you have fought every day of your life. sometimes, you cannot even tell how much of the blood on your hands is your own... and how much comes from those who've tried to hurt those you defend. you deserve the gentleness of a kiss to your bruised knuckles and broken skin, a reminder that you are not only made of violence.
#;a.shwatthama#;dash games#;headcanons#ohmygod-#this one did hit quite on the spot this time fr#'you deserve the gentleness of a kiss to your bruised knuckles and broken skin'#it made me think of how m.ahabharata a.sh got cursed by k.rishna to roam in the forests with blood and puss coming from his injuries#and cry for death but being unable to meet it as he got basically cursed to roam across the land as an immortal#which in return leaves open the matter that technically; a.sh is still roaming around the land#/and to that; there are even tellings of people who encountered a.shwatthama !#for at least 3000 years if i recall correctly? and to add to that; he would neither receive hospitality nor any accomodation and would be#in total isolation#and u know the gem he has on his forehead? since it was removed from his forehead; the wound left would not heal#so imagine someone kissing his bruised skin and injuries#someone reminding him that he is not made of only violence;#/now im not sure if f.go' ash includes this point in his life since he still has the gem on his forehead so it might be-#the period of time where he found out about his father's death and when he was consumed by rage and wanted vengeance#that specific moment in the story might be the a.sh we currently have#BUT STILL!#it would hit so dang hard man-#bc some s.ervants still hold the memories of what happens later on in their stories despite being summoned under a particular moment in#their lives#so a.sh staring at his scars and bruises and knowing how they will end up looking#(im thinking how i'll write him in that aspect now but on the meanwhile)#he is still fueled by rage; he still gathers scars and wounds and bruises#but again; someone being there to remind him 'you are not only made of violence'#there is so much more to him! he was a great son and so wonderfully skilled that if it wasnt for how things ended up#he could have changed the direction of the k.urukshetra war; yes he was THAT powerful#his partner kisses his knuckles and he's like 'huh?? whatcha doing there-' AND THEN JUSTPROCEED TO BURST IN LAUGHTER#he is now KISSING THEIR HANDS BACK!! he would find it to be such a silly thing for them to do but it would absolutely warm his heart
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Ok yk what I think I need to run a poll I need to know what the pipeline is for ppl who like went to public school or didn’t have many friends or smth & basically had zero exposure to what is & isn’t socially acceptable until eventually branching out social circles and learning more
SO HERE IS THE QUESTION maybe this is actually a natural human experience maybe im just fucking autistic idfk. All I know is I’m still incredibly fucked up from smth that happened a decade ago and I’ve never bothered asking if anyone else has gone thru smth like it
#fyi this goes for ANY inappropriate thing. like it does not just have to be like interrupting ppl or smth#in fact this is ESPECIALLY asking toward ppl who have said things like slurs and very harmful things w/o knowing/understanding the weight—#—those words carry. THATS what im looking for because I NEVER see it talked about#like. whenever I see this discussed the conversation just ends at ‘everyone knows they’re bad’ but CLEARLY not everyone#I need to know how other people cope with the guilt of saying fucked up things and not knowing until the damage had been done#because SURELY I’m not the only one who went through this#SURELY I’m not the only one who struggles with believing I deserve any sort of kindness#Surely I’m not the only one who developed severe morality related obsessions and compulsions over this right???????????#So yea anyway call this my desperate attempt to maybe possibly heal a teensy bit from a decade old wound#Bc it took this long apparently for me to realize I still struggle with the guilt & feel like a fraud knowing the ppl who care for me now#don’t know about my past behaviour and I’m deceiving them each time I laugh with them and smile with them#There has to be SOMEONE out there that understands right#anyway if this ends in ppl confirming that I do in fact not deserve love for this past behaviour like my thoughts tell me then idfk man lol#can’t live with that whatever anyway#personal
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Just realized it’s about to be ten whole years since I’ve seen my little brother and I’m trying not to have a big sob about it
#bc I’m allergic to my own tears and don’t feel like dealing with swollen eyes and a swollen throat#he has a tiny daughter now#she’s over a year old and I haven’t met her#he’s healing our bloodline’s father wounds#we don’t talk really because he is awful at technology and staying in touch#but he is technically the only family I am not estranged from#I get all my him-news from his gf#she sends me photos of the babe and stuff#life is really hard#(I think it might be worth it though)
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when you get blocked by him even tgough you guys barely even talk anymore but the last time you talked which was about a week ago you actually had a nice and healthy conversation and you had alot of love for eachother and it seemed amazing 😂😂😍😍😍😍 no i'm definitely not fucking crying Lol
#it has been 3 years and i'm still here crying over this#well technically it has been about 1 year but also not really. i mean. we stopped talking around december ir smth last year#so it makes sense that this wound is still pretty fresh and will take some time to heal but i'm like. hahhaha#he's still my best friend and this really makes me sad#because i really love him and we even hung out together on genshin for some time#and we sent eachother really nice messages and i told him he xan always come to me no matter what and that i'm always here for him#and that if he's ever in a crisis he can even come see me he doesn't even have to ask#and now i'm blocked. hshdjckdjdhjf#i mean why am i surprised. he has every right to. and i'm his ex . and he likes someone else now#but it still really hurts because i wish i could be a better friend to him at least. but i can't talk to anyone these days#but especially with him it hurts so much because i actually know him so so well and it hurts so much more . like. we know eachother since#i was like. 16 and he was 18. it's insane!!!!!! we share a fucking birthday!!!!! i wanna die!!!!!!#i need to accept that it's over since like years but you can't just do that when you really love someone and care for them#haha . this really sucks alot#i know i need to just move along and i try i do but i will never stop having love for him even if it's just platonic it's so deep like wow#i donmt even know how to explain it and my love for him took over my entire life for years to the point where i turned into an absolute#nobody and it worried him so much too so obviously it makes sense that this takes some time . but God ahhahahshshshahah. ahhahahshsah#i feel so sad and i'm allowed to feel sad . but wjen i feel sad it feels like i'm fucking dying#wow. okay i'll stop now#he has every right to block me but he's my best friend so it hurts. that's all
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