#the worst meltdown ive ever had

[numberonetacostan]

Taco angst it's all taco angst TACO ANGST

[ratatatastic]

with love in my heart there is nothing worse than watching your team lose to your teaminlaw on a call

[evansbby]

an update from me :)

hey everyone, i know i haven’t been very active on here lately. and the reason is because a lot of things in my life have changed. i’ve been debating even sharing this but i feel like i’m in a good enough position to be okay with sharing it.

so these past two years, i had been super active on here (late 2022- early 24) and that was because, well, I didn’t really have anything else. that’s because I had graduated in 2022 and then i just couldn’t find a job in my field. like so many other recent graduates, it was just so hard and tough and it really made me lose all faith in myself.

i found myself to be in the worst mental state i had ever been. I cut myself off from my friends, felt like a burden towards my family, was having meltdowns and panic attacks almost daily, even started eating unhealthily and was just overall in a very bad place.

HOWEVER, i always felt like I could come on tumblr and that’s why i was so active and writing all these stories because honestly, they were almost like a crutch to me. like the ONE thing i had to look forward to in life during those times was the feedback I’d get when i posted a fic, and honestly it’s what kept me going. like i swear to god, on some days this blog and community was the only thing that i had to look forward to and keep me going, and writing felt like such a huge escape.

because i felt so USELESS. like i was wasting my life and not making any money or being able to kickstart my career after uni, and that it would be like this forever, so when I was writing it actually felt like I was doing something with a purpose. honestly on some days I would literally wake up early and go sit in Starbucks all day just writing my fics like i was cosplaying working or something just so I’d have a purpose. (I don’t go to Starbucks anymore lol boycott)

anyways, i never shared this on tumblr these past few years bc you guys don’t understand what a failure i felt like. i would sometimes get asks on here asking what i did for a job and I’d feel so embarrassed of my current state of being unable to find a job when it felt like everyone else who had graduated with me had one and obtained one so easily. like i felt ASHAMED.

i remember once i got an ask asking what my job was and I just said “fashion marketing” bc that was one of the things i wanted to do and id done an internship in that field so i just put that but it was a LIE i was unemployed and the most depressed ive been in my whole life but I thought maybe i could manifest it.

ANYWAYS, and you’ve probably already guessed it, but the reason I’m not so active anymore is because I did eventually find a job. a really good one that I’m enjoying so much and I’m so happy at. Finally, I’m feeling like myself again, like I’m living that life in London as a twenty something that I’d see everyone on tiktok living!! Like I’m finally just having fun, going out with friends, being active, having money to spend on fun things etc.

and it feels so surreal and crazy because when i was depressed and jobless, it made me doubt myself so much. Like the constant rejections and failed interviews made me doubt myself and lowered my self esteem so much and I thought I’d NEVER achieve this life that i have now! And I don’t want to jinx it but I literally thank God every day for finally granting me this because I really feel like I would’ve gotten worse and worse and IDEK.

But back to the main point, and so because of my new job I just don’t have that much time for tumblr anymore. But this isn’t a goodbye post… not at all! I find that when I’m super busy in life is also when I get the most motivated to write! Like for example in summer 2022 I was on here so much and that was the summer I had the most fun, was the most busy. I think when I’m busy in life, I get motivated to write.

Which I believe is the case right now, because I’m SO motivated to complete all my stories, I keep thinking about them and writing them slowly, so please don’t think anything is abandoned! I just wanted to make this post to be more transparent about what’s been going on in my life and what had been going on these past two years. That maybe someone else going through something similar can see that eventually, everything does work out.

Anddd I don’t really know how to end this. I just want to say, yall don’t understand just how thankful I am for having this blog, this platform, to write my stories. For having you guys. Because who knows how much worse my mental state would’ve been these past two years when I didn’t have ANYTHING else going for me, if I hadn’t had this blog it would’ve been so much worse.

Thank you so much for believing in me and enjoying my stories and always always letting me know how much you enjoy them. And I’ll say the truth; I know everyone says that engagement on tumblr has been bad lately but I can say that bc of you guys I have literally never EVER had this issue. And that’s not me being big headed, that’s just the truth and it makes me so happy and grateful. Yall always came through for me and still do now! Every time I think my fic is going to flop, you guys come through for me. I appreciate it so much. You guys have no idea how much you helped me when I was at my lowest. And continue to.

Many thanks

Me 🩷🩷🫶🏼🫶🏼

[cy-cyborg]

I assume this is an autism thing, but why is it so hard for people to understand pain is not the biggest problem for me when medical issues come up, sensation and sensory overwhelm is.

Possibly tmi but im at the point where i dont really care anymore lol, right now I'm dealing with a really bad, chronic uti that just will not go away, no matter what anyone does, and this thing has been making my life a living hell for the last month or so. It's not painful, or well, it is, but that's not the most unpleasant effect I need help with. It's the sensations it brings. The tactile sensation of being incontinent, of feeling like I'm busting 24/7 - so much so it's stopping me from being able to sleep most nights - the fact that both these things are so ever-present that I can't concentrate on anything else. I can't do the things I enjoy like writing and drawing because my brain can not filter it out enough to focus, and it's my body, so I can't escape it like I could with an unpleasant sound or smell.

But everyone I've spoken to about it is under the impression that the pain is what needs managing, the pain is whats causing me to be so upset and not be able to concentrate or sleep, even when i say, point-blank, thats not the case. My doctor, the emergency staff who first diagnosed it (i was instructed to go there due to concerns about my kidneys), my mum and dad, my sister, even my partner, initially, though he understands now. But I've told every single one of these people that it's not pain, it's the sensory overload thats causing the problems, and they just... don't get it. Ive tried being as blunt as I can (and considering i have no energy to mask, ive been very blunt), and it just, doesn't seem to compute with anyone. My doctor is trying to help, but his only solution is pain meds until the antibiotics runs their course, which don't help because it's not pain (and yes, i tried it anyway). The emergency doctors did the same. My mum and dad keep suggesting pain management skills they were taught when I was a kid, mum is also suggesting things that make things like the burning part of UTIs less painful, my sister doesn't really have any advice but she keeps asking me about my pain too when she checks in. I appreciate the attempts and all

But it's not pain.

The only one who did get it right away was my psychologist, but she's not the kind of doctor that can really help with this, outside of giving me suggestions for coping mechanisms and how to redirect stimming/meltdowns to be less destructive or harmful. Which is great and I did need that, but I'd really like to not be having the meltdowns in the first place.

This isn't the first time this has been an issue either, but it has been the worst/longest time. I just don't know how to get it across to people that the pain is not my main problem. I know how to manage pain and make it less intense/more bearable (my whole lower body is covered in skin grafts and I've had several amputations, I have a lot of experience with it), but just because it's not pain doesn't mean its not debilitating and seriously impacting my quality of life. And because it just won't go away (i highly suspect it has become antibiotic resistant), I have no idea when this will all end, which makes it all the more worse.

[corvidae666]

honestly, overall i had a pretty shit year, but i also had an amazing year at the same time.

i missed out on countless experiences because of my health, but thats okay, because i learned a lot along the way. i got diagnosed with ADHD, giftedness, juvenile fibromyalgia and POTS, and as the year comes to a close i am seeking out diagnosis for autism, dpdr, and generalised anxiety disorder. thats a lot. but coming to terms with all of that had helped me accept myself and my limits in a much healthier way, and i am learning to live with these boundaries instead of despite them.

i also got into the select entry arts school that i tried out for. school has been a wild ride for me, from a traumatic experience on my very forst day of kindergarten, to going through the education system as a gifted kid, to having a system i used to trust fall through when i got sick, its really been a lot. but next year i a starting a fresh (start fresh next semester /ref) and i hope that i will have finally found an environment that will support and engage me in school again.

i started posting my art this year as well. and although currently i am fighting to get out of one of the worst art blocks ive ever experienced, i truly believe that starting to post has caused huge improvements in my art. thank you to all the people who have liked or commented or reblogged something i created, it means the world. im so glad for the people who follow me, and for the support that has been shown for my creations. thank you all. (and to those who sent in requests when i asked -- i *will* get those done i swear, its just gonna take me a while)

on the more trivial side of things, i played d&d for the first time this year as well. it really seems like a small thing, but its been something ive wanted to try for years and never got the chance to, but now i have a group of friends who i play with, and its been wonderful!

another thing that may seem trivial to most -- i went to my very first music concert this year! thats something i never thought id be able to do for a myriad of reasons; i thought i would have a panic attack, or faint, or throw up, or have a meltdown from overstimulation. but this year, in november, i made an impulse decision to buy tickets for the twenty one pilots show happening four days later, and that was one of the best decisions of my life. yes, i had to take anti anxiety meds at the show, but i had the time of my life that evening, and i would never go back on it, no matter how much i complained about how i was supposed to save for a new school laptop.

and finally, most importantly, i met my partner valerie this year. i cannot accurately put into words the impact you have had on my life, it is much to big and complex for me to express. so i will simply say this; i love you, and i will continue to love you as long as you allow me to. you are a wonderful, amazing, lovely creature, and i look forward to spending my life with you. thank you for existing, thank you for being here, and thank you for reaching out to me after i drew that silly little sketch for you. im sure you had no idea what you were getting into with that lol. once again, i love you, and i will be with you as long as you will have me. you are everything to me and i hope you know that. <3333333

thank you to everyone who has been by my side this year, and who will continue to be next year. i hope i can offer you the same support.

[boundless-n-bare]

audhd confessions - my own worst enemy

being active in this community as a neurodivergent individual (audhd) can be very challenging in unexpected ways. for me the hardest thing to deal with is the rsd - rejection sensitive dysphoria. i have this BAD. this doesn't strictly pertain to real or perceived rejection from individuals in the community although that can be part of it, but more broadly its like a very intense and painful feeling of fomo. having to miss NEST this year was a huge trigger for me - no one rejected me, but i still felt rejection because i couldn't be there. my brain told me i wasn't allowed. that no-one wanted me there anyway and i wouldn't be missed.

its also very hard seeing other members of the community being active and fulfilling their desires in a way i wish i could but very deeply feel and have been telling myself for years that i can't. this one honestly kills me, like it can be super debilitating to the point that it legit keeps me away from interacting in these spaces which i hate. its a huge reason ive been so distant - it sucks majorly feeling as though you're surrounded by people who have it all figured out, or at least seem to, while you feel lowly, alienated, and incapable.

for me, rsd is this ever present voice screaming "you're not allowed." woah see this community member posting about the really awesome session they had with this other community member? you'll never have that. they flew halfway across the country for that session, you're broke and will never be able to do that. they have social skills and you're a socially inept loser who no one wants to talk to. "they" are allowed to have those experiences, "they" are normal. but you are not allowed. you can be a spectator, at best. you get to yearn

the truly fucked thing is that i have had those experiences! i have been to NEST! i have traveled long-ish distances for sessions! i have had the good fortune of having multiple tickling experiences while many in this community may struggle to cement even one. yet i still look at myself and my experiences in this completely ass-backwards light that tells me that they are nothing special, its everyone else who is out there living the absolute dream and nothing i achieve will ever live up to what they're doing - it can't, it simply isn't possible because you are not allowed!

this shit has paralyzed me for far too long. it makes me not even want to look at tumblr, or reddit, or anywhere i might come across that sort of content because what if i see another post like that and then i get sad? then i suddenly have to wrestle with these feelings of inadequacy and isolation and who needs that? its easier just to ignore it all entirely... right?

well, no, because tickling is my passion and if i ignore it completely, to the point of not even letting myself engage with the community, then im depriving myself of not only the community and any potential support network therein but literally the pursuit of the one thing in life that bares any semblance of importance to me at all! when i tell you nothing else matters to me, when i tell you there is nothing in my life that drives me forward the way tickling does i am not fucking exaggerating - if i have learned anything over the pandemic and throughout the years that followed up until now it is that i forget who the fuck i am if i sever myself from my desires for too long. i'll put it all on the back burner and then wonder why im so miserable all the time. then i'll eventually come back, start getting into the hang of being active, then the asd starts surfacing, then i experience some sort of meltdown, then isolate for a few more months, then dip my toes back in and start the cycle all over.

i honestly dont know the best way to combat this but my plan is basically to kill this ideology with persistence - from now on i won't back down and dip out when im confronted with these feelings but rather i will challenge them and keep doing what im doing anyway. i will tell myself that with patience and persistence i can do any damn thing i want, and it might not happen immediately but sooner rather than later i will prevail and i will be content with my place here.

i intend to seriously challenge any assertion by my brain that im not good enough, moneyed enough, social enough, likeable enough, etc. to participate in this community. sure, there might be very real barriers to what i can and can't do compared to others but even still there's ultimately nothing i can't do! i have even told myself for the longest time that i could never be any sort of content creator... yeah, well guess what? im challenging that shit because the very act of my brain telling me i can't do it signifies that its obviously something i want to do, therefor i should! i've deterred myself from buying toys, bondage equipment, etc. because "you're not even active! you don't even talk to people! you're so socially awkward you'd spend all the money and never use it!"

fuck you, brain! the only thing truly getting in my way is you! im not making excuses to minimize myself anymore. im going to do the thing! the fuck is even the point of living if all you're going to do is keep yourself from the shit you want? its beyond fucking stupid

i doubt its going to be easy. i doubt that i won't slip up. but persistence means getting back up and doing it anyway when even when i feel like giving up, and hiding from or not interacting with the community is a sure-fire way to get absolutely nothing from it at all

[dogstarblues]

well. residency jsnt even over and its the worst one ive ever had. i think i wouldnt be so fucking upset if i didnt have flareups/meltdowns every other day and also didnt find out my adoptive mother might be dying the day before it startrd.

[wiltingstardust]

Had one of the worst meltdowns Ive ever experienced AT WORK 🙃

Yup the bruising and scratches are from me slapping and punching myself. Almost gave myself a black eye with how hard I was going.

I hate having this undiagnosed autism, I need help, my body and brain are screaming for it. When am I going to lose the battle to myself because I cant get the help I need?

I dont like being this way, I dont like feeling like a crazy freak, I feel like a loser who cant handle anything thrown their way. I want this pain to end but if anything its getting worse. Social cues dont make sense to me, I dont understand tone but I do?? I just fucking hate this. It gets in the way of my work relationships, my personal relationships and especially romantic.

I dont feel anyone will properly diagnose me because of how great I am at masking and because Im a lil conventionally attractive. I just want someone to see how sick I am go “Yup she’s sick, we need to help her” but instead I got “Wow what a crazy bitch”

I hate myself so much, I want to die, but I dont want to kms but I do but I dont, and Im happy but Im also severely depressed. I dont want to exist in this world that doesnt feel comfortable with my existence

[souldivide]

had a dream that my mom had another meltdown and i screamed and cried at her so much that i lost my voice and i couldn’t scream anymore and i was growing more and more exhausted by the minute. it was disorienting how i physically couldn’t talk at all no matter how desperate and dizzy i was to cry even more, only to wake up and use my voice just fine

anyways, im emotionally exhausted. i comforted my mother for 4 or 5 hours last night, in i think her worst meltdown ever. it feels bad, but even when she was thrashing and screaming out on the bed i felt not a lot at all. i think i have trouble processing the urgency and consequences of the situation because i just didn’t feel anything. even when i saw her in distress.

now that my brothers in the psych ward due to what happened. i don’t know how much more of this we can take, but the problem is that it may not matter at all because we still have to take it. when my brother finishes his time in the ward, or in rehab, what will we do ? will it go back to normal? and will he go back to rehab? or will we find him overdosed?. we can’t kick him out, he has no one. he’ll probably end up in danger or dead or worse. He’s suicidal. we can’t even tell if it’s either the withdrawal that’s making him like this, or a mental disorder, or both.

ive never seen my mom cry like this before ever in my life and i dont know what i can do about it other than expect the worse or something, like his name on the news. im worried he’s changing so much and its been going on for so long that there’s nothing we can do because of how much we’ve pushed him and looked out for him already. i think with all the support we’ve given him, it has to be him to take control and figure things out. but the worst thing is that even with him working to get to rehab he’s still showing the same reactions that make me FEEL (not KNOW) that he will not change. and that he will be the same person and it’ll be a cycle. i feel like i should have experience and therefor know what to do, with all this drug abuse in the family but im soo tired. I don’t know how to feel scared even though this should be the most stressful thing in my life, but i just don’t feel anythinggg. i really hate my brother, he makes me so angry and i hate this complex around me and i hate how he treats me, but i don’t want anything bad to happen to him. i want him to be okay. I do not know what to do. I feel like no matter what happens somethings going to happen to him by the end of the year. we can’t afford the bills for my mom as is. We can’t afford to keep him here because of how much money he takes from either of us. none of his friends that we trust talk to him anymore. ahhh, i don’t know what to do. i feel exhausted . i had one month of piece but i think im not allowed to relax for so long. im so overwhelmed

my moms meltdown last night was terrifying. her drunk and screaming and wobbling around. glass broken. I still feel adrenaline i think. i tried to take care of her, clean up the mess and get her to bed. Cut her off from alcohol. im tired. she thinks he’s going to die too. I know we both know it. I don’t know what we can do about it that won’t end up in hurting him or damaging our already fucked relationship even more. i wish our family wasn’t so small. if my mom passes it’ll just be me and my brother going separate ways, but if he passes too then i really will be on my own. i kind of don’t know what to do going forward if that happens, even if i have a plan. i wish i was someone with a much better life right now. Wish i had everything and a happy family lol

[empressofevil]

Sometimes, I'll have a really uncontroversial stray thought like "lol people actually think straight girls make out with each other for male attention," and then I'll remember this one absolute trash heap of a roommate I had who somehow fits every single one of these dumb stereotypes. Like if you make a shitpost about college white girls, you'll get pretty close to actual things she's said.

Reblogs pro-LGBTQ stuff followed directly by TERF propaganda? Check. Considers liquid liner to be THE biggest issue modern women face and a serious topic for feminist debate. Check! Says literally the most racist shit I've ever heard in my life and blames black people for dying because "their faces look less friendly" while showing me 50 pics of her father in a row in which he's scowling at the camera with his bikini-clad daughters on his lap or his hands on their ass and various weapons in shot (and no I'm not fucking kidding lmao). Checkerooni dude. Fuck. I swear I'm in someone else's coma dream.

[selfundiagnosed]

shit you not the *only* and i am not exaggerating or being funny here. The one & only scary thing in the movie was this giant picture of bill clinton hanging on the wall that you would forget about until it jump scared you again. it happened just enough times to be forgotten about between each jump scare throughout the course of the movie.. so maybe 5 times. Not one campy thing about it. Nicholas cage acting like the joker (worse, somehow than any actor who has ever played the joker) and saying praise satan and shit i couldnt stop recoiling i wanted to walk out of the theatre mid movie so bad like NINE different times AT LEAST!!! i couldnt do it!!!!!!!! i have no spine i dont fucking care i will not watch a nepo baby try to hit silence of the lambs and reach a very surface level nonmultifaceted JOKE OF A PARODY movie ever again. Worst mistake of my life. every single line was trying to be some vague tongue in cheek zinger with no depth it was so painful & hard to watch. i remember when i had undiagnosed autism in like 2008 during the writers strikes trying to watch kids movies with my grandma at the movie theatre and getting so unfathomably enraged at how fucking awful every movie i saw was. Like 2008-2010 it felt like everything was SHIT and it made me want to blow a hole in my head so badly. Just straight up stopped watching movies until i was like 17. Yeah well this movie is the first movie in my life l can confidently say reverted me to 2008 when my autism irritiability would start spiraling & i’d want to start squirming and screaming and throwing things and having a meltdown lol but i had to internalize it so instead it just felt like the metaphysical equivalent of nails on a chalkboard on my insides🙂 i remember as soon as long legs started i was already starting to feel this age regression to this awful period in 2008. When i just thought everything in the world was so shitty it would leave me on the brink of tears out of frustration. Never in my adult life have i felt that until i saw that movie. Ive actually not seen a movie that bad since i was a child during the writers strike like thats jaw dropping to me..

i just watched the WORST movie in theatres and it has a 92% on rotten tomatoes and i genuinely cant wrap my head around it. Dont waste your time watching long legs it was SOOOOO painful i at a certain point i had to close my eyes and try to tune the movie out until it was over it made me recoil in my seat from cringing so hard #SO BAD

[audiodramatist]

well im on my 3rd dose of my adhd meds in the last 18 hours (im not really supposed to do that but i spaced them out a lot so its probably okay) and it’s 6 a.m. and i havent slept since that nap i took from like 1 to 2 p.m. yesterday and i just sloshed room temperature green tea down my sweatshirt. i still have to write a 7-10 page essay and take photos of the wings i made for my classics course. 6 hours to go. my brain has spontaneously generated a clip of mike’s mic saying “she’s a teletubby, love”. i don’t believe i’ve ever heard him say that.

[trashquisitor-shirozora]

The "I Can 'Pin' Posts on Tumblr Now? Since When?" Intro/Masterpost

Greetings and welcome to the "Who The Fuck Am I?" post written by yours truly, whoever the fuck I am. Now that I'm back on my Fandom bullshit again in at least 2 blogs, I thought I'd re-introduce myself.

I am 2nd gen Korean-American on the Best West Coast. I ID as she/they/shiro, and ace/demi. I'm in the millennial bracket (aka, I am a Legal Adult) so be mindful when interacting with me. I do what I can to be antiracist and am always learning to be better.

I am some iteration of "shirozora" on: LiveJournal, Dreamwidth, AO3, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, Discord. My first Fandom 2.0 was political/pundit RPF and my first fandom fallout was Racefail '09, so you could say I've Seen Some Shit. Been 5+ years since I last engaged in actual Fandom, yet here the fuck I am.

Fandoms I have written/drawn for (FFN years do not count, I purged that account): political/pundit RPF, Supernatural, Tron: Legacy, MCU, Star Trek (AOS), Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Final Fantasy XIV, Star Wars/The Mandalorian

A Short List Of Things I Wrote in No Particular Order:

Lost Symphony (T): SPN; Dean/Cassie, Sam/Jessica, pre-Dean/Castiel; for the Racebending Revenge challenge - "Mary Ahn Winchester died on the ceiling of the nursery on November 2, 1983."

We Are Pilots (T+): Tron: Legacy; Sam/Tron; for the Tron Kink Meme - "Six months and Sam still can't shake off his father's ghost, so Quorra suggests returning to the Grid to find the answers he needs to move on."

Wishing Well (T): Captain America: The First Avenger; Steve/Howard, Steve/Peggy, unfulfilled Howard/Peggy/Steve; for the Cap Kink Meme - "And you just wanna feel like a coin that's been tossed / In a wishing well, a wishing well."

A Thousand Eyes Staring Back (T+): Mass Effect 2; Kaiden/m!Shep - "His problems start at Horizon, aka that time Kaidan Alenko was having a really bad day and his former CO was supposed to be dead."

Waking Ghosts (T+): Dragon Age; Dorian Pavus/Male Trevelyan Inquisitor; the Mummy (1999) AU nobody asked for - "Dorian Pavus, formerly of Qarinus, is an archivist at the Magisterium research outpost in Hightown."

Seasons Change (T): Black Panther/MCU; M'Baku/T'Challa - "A fisherman finds a dying king in his nets and Hanuman offers M'Baku an opportunity to repay T'Challa for sparing his life at Warrior Falls."

born in a thunderstorm (T+): Star Trek: AOS, Captain Marvel, Thor: Ragnarok, Guardians of the Galaxy; Kirk/McCoy; the worst AU I ever wrote - "Kevin Riley insists that James Kirk didn't die on Tarsus IV. Nobody believes him."

Dangerous Dreams series (T) - The Storm; The Suns; Between Planets: Star Wars/The Mandalorian; Din/Luke; the reason why I'm writing this post - "To want something for yourself, that is a dangerous dream."

I cross-post and occasionally write about writing at @shirozora-writes. But I bet a bunch of y'all stumbled into my little sandbox through @shirozora-draws, so let's talk about that!

I suffered from artist's block for almost 4 years. That ended when I became utterly fixated on "So Grogu has two dads now - oh no." I fucking ragequit Star Wars after the fucking world lied to me about The Last Jedi* and now I'm doing the most insane and involved fanworks because of Star Wars. The fuck???

To end this unapologetically long-ass Intro Post, here are my 3 favorite recent doodles:

The original post is here. First time animating with Clip Studio Paint and I had a two-day meltdown over it.

The original post is here. Fun fact: the file name is "homoerotic chin tilt yolo". Also, 6.4k notes? You guys are wild.

The original post is here. The final illustration from The Suns.

*I hate The Last Jedi the most not just because it's racist sexist garbage that trashed everyone except Kylo Ren whoever the fuck he thinks he is, and jumpstarted some of the most toxic fandom behavior I had the displeasure of witnessing, but also because I read so much praise for it before walking into the theater, paying for a ticket with my own money, and realizing 5 minutes into the film that I was gonna have the worst time of my life. I can't and probably will never watch Knives Out because I still haven't forgiven the director for the psychological damage. This is 100% a TLJ Hate Zone.

[smellslikemultifandomimagines]

Jason is ruining me this season because despite all the bad shit he’s done I just want to hug him & let him know he is wanted 😫

Okay but like what if Crane actually just left Jason at Snowy Cones tied to the chair and the Titans get him back or something like that somehow they get him away from Crane & back and there’s a fight about what to do with him (mainly Gar & reader fighting to like at least get him clean before doing anything else) and idk just something soft with Jason detoxing and reader helping him and showing him people do care about him 🥺

THIS 😭

➣ pairing: jason todd x gn!reader

➣ fluff / angst

➣ word count: 1.2k

come join the titans sleepover!

Jason looked horrible.

You hadn't seen him since he left San Francisco with Rose, and though that was months ago, you hadn't stop thinking about him. You were mad, to say the least, but all of that was pushed aside when you heard the devastating news about him, one that almost broke you.

Redhood was the worst thing to become of Jason. You felt helpless and so aggravated that he was doing such things, but at the same time, you knew it was not his fault. It was Crane's, and everyone knew it too.

Tonight's mission was to take down Crane and 'Redhood's' mission to distribute the anti-fear drug, putting all your energy into fighting the guards. Perhaps it was your anger towards Jason that got you through. He had become the person that he solemnly swore he'd never become. But here he is.

But as your nearly teary eyes gaze sullenly at his sunken face, which is wet with drool and god knows what else, you know the right thing to do.

"Jesus Christ," Gar mumbles as he stands beside you, looking at the mess of a boy Crane left behind.

"We need to get him out of here," you glance over at him. He nods in agreement, unable to peel his eyes away.

"Tell me what we need to do,"

"Guys, stop." Dick cautions, putting his hands on either of your shoulders. Gar and you look at each other before glancing back at Dick. "It could be a trap."

"We can't just leave him here!" You shriek in disbelief.

"We don't know what Crane has up his sleeve right now. The best thing for us to do is to leave him here."

"Absolutely fucking not," Gar grits his teeth, knuckles almost clenching in a fist. "He's coming with us."

Jason coughs himself awake, eyes rolling as he slips in and out of consciousness. You crouch beside him, taking his hand in yours.

"Jason, can you hear me?" You ask softly, ignoring Dick's sigh of discontentment from behind you. Jason groans, eyes slowly dragging up to meet yours.

"[y/n]," he slurs with a raspy voice. You gulp and pull yourself together, knowing that now is not the time to have a breakdown.

"Yes, darling, it's me. We're gonna get you out of here, okay?"

"Hey, buddy, you doing alright?" Gar kneels on the other side of him. You run out to the car, only to return with a wet cloth and further bickering from Gar and Dick.

"We're at least cleaning him up," you snarl at him before crouching beside Jason. In your head, you count to ten, trying to find anything to distract your eyes from pricking with tears. God, he really does look awful up close. You dab his chin, wiping off the drool that drips from the corner of his mouth.

"Uh, what is going here?" Kory asks with Conner and Blackfire behind her. She stops in her tracks when she notices you and Gar, tending to Jason with such care, a sense of fear runs over her.

"I'm trying to warn them, but they're not listening," Dick murmurs to her.

"Guys, no, stop it. We need to go," she tries and pulls you away from Jason.

"Get off of me!" You almost yell, swatting her away before putting the cloth down. You move behind him and help Gar untie the rope from around Jason's waist.

"Stop and think for a second!" Kory snaps. "He could be a weapon; you don't know that."

"Yeah, and you don't either," your voice slick with venom. You were so sick of everyone blaming Jason for everything when none of them even remotely believed that they had something to do with his meltdown. "We are getting him out of here. End of story."

"[y/n]…" Dick sighs, approaching you and Gar slowly.

"No, enough. I've had it with all of you giving up on Jason like he's some piece of disposable waste. What was your speech a year ago about not giving up on family? You really seem to live up to that, now, don't you," Gar snaps.

"I-"Dick sighs again. "I know, okay. But as I said before, we all know he's working under the guise of Crane. We don't know if Jason is just a ploy, okay? It's safer—"

"For who? You or Jason? Because from the way I see it, Jason is being manipulated. You said it yourself. The best thing we can do is save him now before it's really too late," you sigh. "Now, can we please stop fighting and help him into the car, for fucks sake," you roll your eyes, having enough of this bickering. The sooner you all get out, the better.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Barbara helps you hook Jason up to an IV drip. He lays in his bed, so entirely out of it, you're not even sure if he's ever going to be okay again.

"Are you okay?" Babs consoles, knowing that this has certainly not easy for you. She knew you have been taking this the hardest out of everyone. Being one of Jason's closest friends, your time in Gotham has been spent grieving and wishing you were all in San Francisco and normal again.

Your lip trembled, eyes overflowing with tears that wet your cheeks. You practically collapse on the chair beside the bed, and Babs pulls you into her.

"I hate seeing him like this," you sob, arms stretching around her. She rubs your back, letting out gentle coos to help you calm down.

"You should go join the others," you smile weakly, pulling away and wiping your eyes.

"Are you sure? I can stay here if you need me to?"

"It's okay. Please, go enjoy tonight's successes."

She rubs your arm, apology laced in her touch before she makes her way to the kitchen, closing the door behind her. Your head drops onto the mattress beside his body. How could you have let this happen? Was this your fault too?

“[y/n]?” Jason coughs, and you swear you've never lifted your head faster.

"Hey," you smile weakly, taking his hand in yours. "How're you doing?"

"Oh, you know, pretty damn fucking great if you ask me," he scoffs. You don't mean to, but a minor chuckle releases from your throat.

"Here, you should probably have some water," you hand him a glass, and he looks at it with caution. "I haven't done anything to it if that's what you're concerned about."

He hums before gulping it all down.

"Jason," your lips trembles once again. "I'm so sorry."

Jason doesn't say anything. He rests back onto the pillow, staring up at the ceiling.

"Why're you doing this? Don't think I'm coming back to you guys because I'm not."

"Because I care."

"Do you?" He turns to look at you.

"You know," you chuckle, looking down at your fingers. "I had the biggest crush on you. Of course, I never had the guts to say anything; you were too special of a friend for me to ruin that."

"How do I know that you're not lying?"

"Because I'm the one who saved you back there. I wasn't going to leave you, I would never to that."

There is a moment of silence that surpasses you both; neither of you knew what to say. Was he to thank you or be mad at you?

"I should probably let you rest," you cough slightly before standing up.

"Wait," Jason takes your hand in his. "Stay. Please?"

═══════*.·:·.☽✧✦✧☾.·:·.*═══════

tag list: (click here to be apart of the tag list!)

@dylanobrienhehe //@jermaee //@boxofsteampunkplaces //@mollyknm //@greengarsstuff //@caswinchester2000 //@fandomfoodiedancer //@tsukyo //@kim23ivy //@cottonvioletsposts //@lildylsprayberryswhore //@msfandomfreak //@karleetakeenan //@theonewiththenerds //@i-love-scott-mccall //@elenapatricia99 //@zealouspursecowboydeputy //@hellraiser13-102407 //@ghostlygooppeanutwobbler //@theonewiththenerds //@sambucky8 //@thegirlyouworryabout // @littlemaladaptivedaydreamer

═══════*.·:·.☽✧✦✧☾.·:·.*═══════

[hivequest]

Taking a Risk » Mallek Adalov/Reader

Wordcount: 2.3k words

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, stressed out reader, chillboy Mallek. TYping quirk only used when texting cause I could not be bothered lmao Originally posted on AO3

A/N: One of my favorite things that I’ve written, ever. I love Mallek and he’s for sure one of my favorite Friendsim characters. When I wrote this I was really feeling those Quarantine Woes

You didn't know what you were doing here. You felt out of place in the worst possible ways. It was a weird, squidgy feeling like stepping on wet grass. But not like the fun kind where you were running around in a sprinkler on a hot-as-balls summer day. No, this was the bad kind of wet grass that you stepped on without knowing it was wet. Why weren't you wearing shoes?

This analogy is stupid. The point is, you're feeling bummed out.

And what better way to not have to deal with that than hang out with someone you knew wouldn't push you into talking about all the ways crashing on this planet sucked! The point is, you're on your way to see Mallek. Mallek is absolutely the kind of friend who can tell when you just need to sit down and veg out. You had been so caught up in everyone else's bullshit that you weren't looking after your own damn self. So now you were doing that.

All it took was a quick text, asking Mallek if he had any company. He texted back only a moment later with a no, obviously not. You asked him if he wanted any. Not really. You ask him if you can come over anyway. Obviously.

You smiled at the palmhusk in your, well, palm. You could already feel the chill vibes of your hacker friend. Friend? Was that the right word for it? You didn't know anymore. When you first met there were definitely some sparks there. You could still feel them now and it made weird butterflies flutter around in your stomach. When you slapped his phone out of his hand and he sent you ass over applecart into the slimy depths of sewer water and he saved you, tits out and all.

You shook off the weird wistful feeling of maybe possibly crossing the friendship barrier and told him you'd walk to his hive. You'd been moping in some bookhive, not your usual hang-out spot with Tagora or Tyzias. This was some upper caste bookhive with purple bloods and some indigos and definitely not where you were welcome if the looks you were getting were any indication. They ranged from snooty to downright murderous. Yeesh.

Your phone -palmhusk, stupid troll names- beeped again. You got another text from him and those cheery fucking butterflies were back. God, you had it bad.

yeah were not doing that lmao;

im not going to let my robobuddy walk out in the sun

do you even know what time of day it =

just stay put ive already got your location ill pick you up;

And like a good little friendsimp. You park your ass on a chair and wait. You hadn't released your moping had taken up most of the night. But with the quick look around, yeah, no, this place was nearly empty by now. Just some older bluebloods trying to cram before their Ordeals and get shipped off-planet. Again: Yeesh.

You kept your ears open for the telltale sound of Mallek's limo. It was a sound you were getting used to these days. He always seemed ready to drop whatever coding shit he was working on to come to see you. You tried not to think too hard on what that might mean. No need to get your hopes up now. It's probably just your bad mood making you imagine some context where there's nothing. Yeah.

Damn, that shit hurted.

Just as you were about to add that to the reasons you were considering just screaming your lungs out who cares whose listening? you heard the wonderfully familiar sound of an approaching elongated scuttlebuggy. If that wasn't enough of a clue as to who the ride was for the quiet of the bookhive was very abruptly disturbed by a series of rhythmic beeps.

Holy shit was that the Tetris theme?

You shoved your palmhusk into your hoodie pocket and yanked the hood over your head. Even if the sun was only out a little bit you didn't want it anywhere near your freshly healed skin. You had no kind cowgirl to nurse you back to health right now if you got your asscheeks baked by the flaming death orb. You peeked your head out and even with the blinding light of Alternia's suns you could Mallek had opened the door and was waiting for you.

Aw. No, shit. You're in a bad mood don't get all heart eyes at him. Don't make it weird.

You took a few steps back into the bookhive, ready to make a run for it. You turn to a sitting indigoblood, who is just staring at you disdainfully for keeping the door open. You give her a two-fingered salute. Godspeed young cosmonaut. She gives you a one-fingered salute. Close the door you insufferable bulgebiter. Fair.

Taking a running start, you book it out into the heat of the Alternian sun and dive for the open car door. It's then that you realize he's halfway parked on the sidewalk to lessen the amount of time you'd have to spend in the sun. Aw. That also means that you came barreling like a cannonball at something that was like two feet out of the door. FUck.

Your face meets carpet and you can already feel the rugburn starting to set in. You hear a startled wheezy laugh from above you, a sound you know better than anyone else on this planet. You smile. It's not like you had any dignity to begin with.

You say hello to him as you peel yourself off of the floor of his car.

"Hey, there robobuddy. You stuck the landing this time," He smiles down at you as he reaches over you to shut the door, closing the space out from natural light and leaving you both lit by his colorful LEDs. You shrug and tell him you've been getting a lot of practice landing on your face these days. The look he gives you is still smiling but there's some level of disbelief at the dumbassery that is your whole existence.

"I know you can get yourself into it. Nothing too bad this time, though, right? No drones or broken bones?" He sounds concerned which is nice but he doesn't drown you with his concern. He leans back on the bench of his limo, keeping an eye on you as the vehicle begins to move on its own. You've been staying out of big messes but the little messes are starting to mess with you. He makes a sound of understanding the sounds as it comes from deep in his chest. Whoa. "Believe me, I've been there. Glad you're not cracking under it though."

He smiles and you can see his little fang and you can feel your heart melt a little. And also you're getting a bit teary-eyed and now Mallek looks alarmed. Shit. You try to quickly explain that you're fine, just, alien allergies am I right? He must be using some new air freshener to mask the musty smell of his limo. Since doesn't use it enough. Ha ha?

He isn't buying it.

With a rare show of cerulean prowess, he lifts you up off of the shitty car rug and sets you on the seat beside him. He feels uncomfortable and you can tell. Ah, goddammit you made it weird. You didn't mean to. Fuck. Fuck now you're feeling even worse. You thought you were starting to balance out. You're with Mallek now, shouldn't everything start to quiet down like it always does? Fuck. He doesn't say anything at first, just leans back against the seat and stretches his arms across it, letting you lean on him if you choose to.

...You choose to.

Your head finds itself somewhere between his shoulder and his collarbone, and you just. Shove your face there. Then scream.

To his credit, Mallek doesn't even flinch. He doesn't wince or shy away from you as you let out every bit of anger, sadness, and frustration out against his sweater. He just sits quietly, staring straight at the blacked-out windshield. You get the feeling he's needed to do this more than once.

Screw this planet. Screw everything about it that makes all of your friends suffer. Why can't you just get them away from all this bullshit?! Why do you have to deal with everyone's bullshit! You love them, you do but holy fuck they're looking to you like you can undo all the damage this place has done to them when you've got literally no god damn idea what's happening at any point ever!

And then, just like that, it fades into the background. Your throat hurts. Your head hurts and you think you might be crying. But it feels lighter. Better now that you've gotten some of that aggression out. You aren't like the trolls on Alternia. You can't kill people when you experience an Emotion™. But that doesn't mean you don't get pent up with rage.

Mallek realizes that now. He lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and his left hand slowly moves down from the back of the seat the rest against your back. His thumb brushes against your back, the claw drawing little patterns against the fabric of your sweater. His sweater. He tries not to think his sign your chest. This isn't the time.

"Feeling any better?" He asks and you don't know how to answer. You kinda don't want to. But you nod anyways, and you feel some tension leave his body. You knew he was worried about you. You apologize for making him witness your meltdown but he just makes another deep-chested hum. "Nothing to apologize for. I got the feeling you weren't feeling great. I could tell from the texts, you didn't use nearly enough ugly emojis."

You scoff and smack a hand against his chest and once again you hear that wonderful laugh from him. Hey! Your purrbeast emojis are adorable, thank you very much! And you'll not hear another word of it or else you'll send him pictures of rocks and rocks exclusively. No more memes.

"Jokes on you I'm into that shit." You laugh and thump your head against his collarbone. You thank him for being with you when were needed it. And picking you up to make sure you didn't deal with it alone. You don't want to make it weird but...yeah.

He doesn't respond this time, just letting you both enjoy the silence and the comforting sound of the engine. You should almost be at Mallek's apartment by now. It's as you're settling in for the last bit of the drive that you notice that the limo isn't moving. And hasn't been for a while. Your head pops up in confusion and the little GPS display on the back of one of the seats says... yep.

You're already at Mallek's.

But then why is the engine still on? That can't be good for the environment. Do these things even run on gas or is it bugs? Bug gas? Gross.

You notice then that the rumbling is coming from behind you. Like. From where Mallek is sitting. He doesn't look away when you turn to him, just kind of tilting his head to the side with a little bit of a cerulean hue to his cheeks. Oh. Oh, the sound is coming from him. He's purring. That's.

That's adorable.

You feel yourself soften even more when he lifts his arms, silently offering a hug if you want it. Is this platonic? Is this more? You've never had too much trouble identifying what people wanted from you. (Debatable.) If was overtly flushed you could shut it down or divert it to something very much friends only. (Like your every exchange with Zebruh.) But did you even want to do that to your hackerman? You could feel yourself screaming, no, absolutely not. But at the same time, you didn't want things to change. You didn't want to make his issues any worse than they already were. He didn't have too much longer on the planet and you knew it would tear him apart.

But then he turned those blue eyes to you. He looked just as unsure as you were but he was willing to take the risk. He shoved himself so far out of his comfort zone for you and was asking you to be selfish. To want something for yourself and do something for yourself. Not put him or anyone else's wants first. Just your own. And so you did.

You crawled up into his lap, pressed yourself as close to him as you could and clung to him. His arms didn't hesitate to wrap around you and you could feel a shuddering breath from above you.

"We don't have to put a label on this... not yet. Or ever. Either way is chill with me. I just... yeah." He gave up with a little shrug of his shoulders but you knew what he meant. Unless you could find a way to fight fate he was going to go off-world. He was going to leave you and you doubted you'd be able to go with him. You'd probably get gored by a drone for even trying.

But even if it was just for now, just for a moment, you were going to take it. You were going to let yourself have something, have someone who would care for you no matter how long or short your time was. You'd take it. You had stomached some of the most horrible things on this planet but Mallek had always been a constant. And you got the feeling he thought the same way about you.

So, you'd take it. Whatever comes next, you'd take it. You listened to the sound of his purring, in no hurry to move to get inside the apartment. Mallek felt the same.

You exhaled.

You would be okay.

[shiftingwithava]

my experience with sending a letter to my dr

dr: marvel

last summer, i was feeling really discouraged with shifting. my mental health was really bad, and i barely had motivation. i wanted to shift so bad, but i could never bring myself to do it because of how exhausted i was.

i was on tiktok one day, and saw a tiktoker talking about how they were sending a letter to their s/o in their dr, and i decided to try it.

i don't remember what the letter said word for word, but i just poured my heart out to bucky and explained how i couldn't wait to come back and cuddle with him, and for him and i to visit with his sister again because she always makes me feel better.

i asked him for a sign. but here's the thing, i never specified what sign, just that i would know the sign when i saw it.

a few weeks later, i was on tiktok again, and saw someone writing letters from marvel characters. i was going to scroll past it, but something told me to watch it. i watched it, and the tiktoker revealed that they sold the letters, so i decided to see how much they were.

they were $5. with shipping, it was around $8. i decided to buy it, and didn't think of it too much, but i was excited to see what it would say.

i got the letter a few weeks later, and let me tell you, i cried when i read it.

this is what the letter said:

'dearest ava,

it feels like a lifetime, and i should have written you a thousand letters but i hope this one is enough. how are you?

i think of you and i feel joy. the past no longer haunts me in ways it sed to so please do not worry about me. i am peachy and there is peach in knowing my life will forever be wrapped up in yours. my only wish is that you find a taste of happiness that you have brought me, that even on your worst days you remember what it means to love, truly.

i told steve you were made for great things. after all, you did save my life once. if only he could see you now, the way you shine, he would be as proud as i am.

so take it easy, doll. this is not the end of the line for us. til we meet again.

yours, always, bucky <3

take care, we miss you - sam

ps. sorry about sam, he ruins everything.'

while it's a sweet letter, the thing that stood out to me was the phrase "i am peachy."

ive spoken about this, but have never gone into detail. but in my dr, bucky is autistic. with the serum, and his past traumas, he has meltdowns quite often, and after his meltdowns, he needs comfort. we usually spend time sitting together, him wrapped up in my arms, and me telling him how much i love him and validating his feelings.

when we started dating, i used to tease him and call his ass a peach, because it was so cute and small. he hated it, but it made us laugh.

after one of his more rough ones (triggered by steve being mentioned to him by j*hn when bucky was having a bad day already), he was trying to climb into my lap, and wsa getting frustrated when he couldnt fit. he was completely non verbal and was sobbing.

i dont know why i said it, but i started rubbing his back and said "it's okay, my peach. i've got you'. as soon as i said it, he calmed down, and now i call him my peach or my peachy bug whenever he's upset.

the interesting thing about this is that when we're in public or around others and he's upset or overstimulated and needs to go home, he will say "i am feeling peachy" and its a code word for us.

as soon as i read that part, i knew that this was my sign from him, and that i needed to go back.

it motivated me so much, and sure enough, the morning after i arrived there, he had one of the worst meltdowns i'd ever seen.

the universe is so crazy, and shifting is amazing <3