#the things are mad heavy though.. those are one of the reasons why i'm too whiny to swim

[dicespam]

swimming is such a funny experience to me. whenever i'm changing suits i always think 'swimming fucking sucks why am i still doing this' then proceeding to whine in my inner thoughts before going into the water. then when i'm in the water i'm always like 'time passed so fast omg i don't want to leave'

[goldfades]

🍁 for luke?!

congrats again on 100!! 🫶🏻

AAAAAA TYSM LOVE !!!!!! enjoy this blurb lmao, i love lukey pookie <3

he's so 1989. idk why but he just gives off that vibe. OKAY. HE'S VERY 'how you get the girl' (he for sure got the girl in this one lmao)

luke doesn't know how the hell he ended up at your house.

it was a 11:30 on a random tuesday, he knows you're asleep but he can't, even though he knows he has early morning practice tomorrow and a whole day of classes. his mind is racing, but so is this heart.

it was raining and he's still in his pajamas, too. his new jersey devils pj's really fit the whole mood. he rolled his eyes at himself ─ why didn't he change?

it had been six months since you two had broken up. well, not exactly. tomorrow morning, or in 20 minutes time, it would be exactly 6 months since you two had broke up. he knew this because he had been anxiously counting the days until your break-up was official.

ever since luke was little, jack would always tell him that break-up's weren't official until the 6 month mark which basically gave them a 'grace period' to get back together. and even now, as a whole adult, he applies it to everything.

he doesn't even know why he was here. he knew you had moved on ─ he saw all those guys you were with at the bar the other night, you weren't hurting anymore. still, that stupid rule made everything so much worse. knowing that after this period, you wouldn't even be thinking about him anymore made him sick.

he decided, an hour ago, that he was gonna get you back that night. he finally let out a big exhale and closed his eyes, getting out of the car and into the rain, walking up to your driveway and to your front door.

he quickly rang the doorbell twice ─ it was your guys' inside joke, knocking twice or ringing the doorbell twice was some kind of code for one another.

he heard some faint footsteps and he straightened his posture, letting out a loud exhale before you opened the door.

your eyes widened at the sight. your ex, luke hughes, standing outside your door in the rain, a few minutes before midnight. he could see the grogginess on your face and suddenly felt a tinge of guilt.

his curly hair was soaking wet and so were his pj's and you almost cringed at the sight. then you saw his face, his cute, stupid face. your heart fluttered at the sight, like it always did when you saw him, even when he was being a fucking asshole.

"luke, what are you doing here?" you shouted over the rain, that was starting to become more than just a midnight shower.

"i-i..." he didn't even know what to say. he let out a loud exhale before speaking again. "i miss you, y/n. i really, really miss you. i can't sleep, i keep repeating that fight over and over again and every time, i wish i had said something different. anything else would've been better."

your heart broke again at those words as you were transported back to that night. you shook your head, you didn't wanna relive that after you'd tried so hard to get over it all these months. "oh, you can't sleep?" you said, sarcastically. "i have repeated that night over and over again too, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. for a while, i even blamed myself─"

"it's not your fault, it was mine!"

"yeah, i know that now." you spoke bitterly at the boy, who was now shaking from the now, heavy rainfall. "i wish you had said something different, too, luke. but now we both have to live with the conseque─"

"fuck, y/n!" he grunted in frustration. "i'm so mad at myself for letting that happen, i'm so sorry for doing that to you."

you let those few words sink in. luke hughes was not one to ever apologize, you knew that. that was one of the reasons why you two had ended things and hearing those words come out of his mouth felt somewhat therapeutic. "luke─"

"y/n, please just let me talk!" he shouted over the rain. "if i could go back in time i would. if i could just... erase all of it, i would. but i can't. and i know i'm selfish for even asking this but i want you back. no one compares to you and no one ever will, y/n. i've tried, i really have. but i lost you once and i'll be damned if i lost you again if you just gave me another chance.”

that whole monologue sounded like it was right outta a movie. you didn't know how to feel ─ or how to react. you felt so many emotions wash over you and you took another good look at luke.

his curly hair, his soft skin, his entire face just took you back to when you two were together ─ the good times, too. summer at the lake house with his family, late night car rides for drinks, sunday night dates because he insisted that saturdays were for the boys, and especially, his soft touch.

luke's heart was beating out of his chest and he knew he was going to catch a cold because of how long he'd been standing outside, but all of that wouldn't matter if you just took him back. he watched your expression change and he swears he felt like a million tons had just been lifted off his chest as you opened up the door for him to come in.

"alright, luke. fine, one more chance. one, and if you fuck up, it's over and it will be over for the rest of our lives, got it?"

that sweet smile graced his lips for the first time tonight as he walked into your home, exhaling deeply. "got it."

you both stared into each other's eyes, your heart beating fast as a smile plastered on your face as well. then, luke smashed his lips against yours and pushed you against the door. "won't make you regret it, princess."

MY 100 FOLLOWER CELLY!

[platonically-loving-alastor]

Aroace Alastor

Hoo boy here we go- This one might make some people mad at me, so I'll preface by saying I do not want to start a fight and as long as you respect my business, I'll respect yours. But let's get this over with-

First off, I genuinely don't understand how some people can see the Ace-In-The-Hole quote and still believe that Alastor is only intended to be asexual and not also aromantic. Yes, the term Rosie used for purpose of the pun was 'ace', but can we look at the context of that moment before jumping to conclusions?

Rosie, motioning to Charlie: "Oh, who's this you brought with you? Come now, Alastor, she's much too young for you! Oh, I'm just kidding. I know you're an ace in the hole!"

Her original statement implies nothing sexual, only that he's involved in a relationship with Charlie, and she follows it up with why she knows that couldn't be because he's an 'ace in the hole'. I don't think you have to read too far between the lines to see that.

I would also like to say that when Vivienne has spoken about his orientation before, I recall her saying that she didn't want to confirm him being aromantic so that she wouldn't 'ruin anyone's fun', which I just feel like is an odd thing to say if she wasn't already explicitly picturing him as aroace. If she thought he had romantic attraction, why wouldn't she just say that? What fun would that ruin? I also feel like keeping things like this ambiguous just to appease the shippers is a little weird, but I digress-

And to those of you who I know are saying "But aromantic people can be in relationships too!!" *deep inhale* yeah I know. I'm not gonna pretend you're not right about that, but there are also aroace people who have exactly 0 interest in romance or sex at all. This is the part of the post that really is based on how I interpret certain moments, but to me he is absolutely one of those people. I don't really know where people get any vibes of him being interested in that stuff. I have never once looked at him and thought "Yeah I could see him in a romantic relationship with *insert character here*". Even aside from attraction in general, since that's what we'd be talking about at this point anyway, he just seems like the kind of guy who'd rather work and live independently instead of relying on anyone, whether practically or emotionally (which is also probably part of the reason he never joined the Vees, but that's another topic entirely). Hell, I'm pretty sure he's in heavy denial about even developing any kind of care or friendship with the people at the hotel (ie. the episode 8 scene with him and Niffty).

The only ships I see him involved in with people he doesn't hate (so ignoring RadioApple, RadioHusk, and StaticRadio. But to be real, maybe the fact all his main ships are enemies to lovers coded says something about the whole situation, but that's just me-) are Charlastor - which I will not even try to discuss here, people aren't gonna like this post as it is - and RadioRose. Rosie and him would at least be fair, if it weren't for one thing (which is also personal opinion on my end), and I don't know exactly how to word it. I'm tempted to say she has wingwoman vibes? But she knows he's aro, so that's not the right word, but there's vibes of like, she probably did act as a wingwoman before she realized that about him or something.. There's also something about her joking around like "Oh this is the girl? You have a girlfriend and I'm only now meeting her?" is almost giving motherly behavior. Idk man they're just besties to me, I could see them in a QPR though (not that they'd probably label it that way, considering the word queerplatonic is likely just complete gibberish to Alastor lmao).

So to summarize: It feels incredibly likely, if not practically canon, that Alastor was written with aromanticism in mind, even if Vivienne refuses to explicitly state it. Subtext and not-that-subtle implications can say just as much about a character as word of God, especially when that God has explicitly told us why she won't confirm or deny this information. Do I think any of this will stop people from shipping him romantically with literally any other character? No ofc it won't, and that's okay, that's just what fandoms do. I do think there's something to say for the fact the one aroace (or even at the very least asexual) character gets constantly shipped with everyone else in the cast, but this post is long enough I think. The only point of posting this is that I wanted to get information out there in one post to say "Hey, let's look a little bit past the surface for a second before saying there's no proof of him being aromantic"

Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you at least took something away from this

[juztscrollingthrough]

Seven by Taylor Swift

I always interpreted this song as someone looking back at their childhood nostalgic memories and remembering that one troubled friend who left a deep mark in their psyche but for whatever circumstances they lost touch with one another.  This edit kind of depicts the time during the “between years" where they thought of one another but never reached out. This one’s especially from Ian’s POV and all those flashback of memories that compelled him to finally reach out and arrange the meet up with Anthony after a nudge from Dianne.  Ian wonders if Anthony still thinks of him, if he still reminisces about their past as fondly as Ian does. 

Below are the lyrics with explanation/interpretation in Ian and Anthony's context:

[POV IAN] :

Please picture me In the trees I hit my peak at seven feet In the swing Over the creek I was too scared to jump in

Ian wants his friend to remember him by the fun escapades they shared together. He reminisces about their first 6th grade science project, all their sleepovers, the trips, their first experience with alcohol near the riverside in Sacramento. In their big group of friends how these two became closer due to the fact that he didn’t know how to drive and Anthony was the one who drove him home after school, how after graduation when everyone left for college, these two remained in the suburbs, unsure about their future.

But I, I was high in the sky With Pennsylvania under me Are there still beautiful things?

Ian once said "I'm not exactly the poster child for following your dreams, because I never had any”. He never had exact dreams about career or whatever the future had in store for him. Smosh became a place where Ian and Anthony expressed themselves, an outlet to make each other laugh and with smosh blowing up he finally found his dream: to keep making fun stuff with his best friend which for some reason random strangers over the internet connected with. They were riding the high that came with smosh’s success unaware of the fact that this newfound business relationship would tower over their years of close friendship.

Sweet tea in the summer Cross your heart, won't tell no other And though I can't recall your face I still got love for you Your braids like a pattern Love you to the moon and to Saturn Passed down like folk songs The love lasts so long

Their genuine love and adoration for one another, how they shared every secret with each other, how Ian lied to Anthony about his first kiss in hopes to impress his new friend in 7th grade and in later years opening up about the lie as he finally got his actual first kiss…. in his friend’s bedroom. Slowly these tender moments fizzled out as they grew up, as their channel grew, and so did their stress and workload. Though, they aren't the people they once were, but their mutual love and respect for each other remained deeply ingrained in their hearts.

And I've been meaning to tell you I think your house is haunted Your dad is always mad and that must be why And I think you should come live with Me and we can be pirates Then you won't have to cry Or hide in the closet And just like a folk song Our love will be passed on

Ian knew that Anthony came from a broken home, and how he lost an authoritative figure, his step dad, who abandoned Anthony’s mother and his step-brothers when he was merely a 12 year old, and due to his tumultuous situation at home, Anthony got this heavy responsibility on his shoulders of his family. Anthony feared that his mothers agoraphobia would somehow find a way towards him too and he would stay stuck in this haunted situation which he desperately wanted to break away from. When Anthony fell sick due to his autoimmune disease, Ian’s mom urged his son to visit his friend. The get well soon card he got signed by everyone in their class and gave to Anthony. After their graduation Ian’s parents invited Anthony for a trip to Hawaii and that was the first time when Anthony got to experience something away from his haunted house back in Sacramento. He got to experience what a complete family felt like vicariously through Ian. 

Passed down like folk songs Our love lasts so long

No matter how many obstacles there were, the power of friendship conquered it all. They not only got their company back but also rekindled their friendship. They said everything had to happen the way it happened for them to eventually reunite. They might be complete opposites but there is this red string of fate that lingers between them. Their creative partnership is too strong and in the end they proved that “Friendship always wins”.

[pholla-jm]

Failure

IMAGINE: FAILURE X READER GENRE: HURT/COMFORT WARNINGS: MENTION OF ABUSE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't believe I let them die... it's all my fault. I am part of the Lower Moon. I was supposed to protect my fellow peers. Mukago specifically. Mukago was often scared of fighting with demon slayers. And for some reason I took it upon myself to protect her. 

But even I failed at doing that. 

It was supposed to be easy. Just a normal scouting for information and maybe kill a couple of humans along the way.   Mukago could be be pretty careless when killing humans. She doesn't care who the human is, she is killing them.

Me, on the other hand, only killed specific types of humans. 

I don't know what happened really. All I know was that I was gathering information. My best guess is that Mukago was killing humans. Word of that got to the demon slayers and some lower rank demon slayers were sent to investigate. 

When I heard Mukago scream, I ran straight towards that direction. I was too late though. Her head was already rolling on the ground, her body starting to disintegrate. 

The demon slayers eyes met mine, and they readied their sword to attack me. But they were too slow. I was able to activate my blood demon art before they even got too close to me. 

After I finished my mission I went to my room in the infinity castle.  I know, I get my own room. 

Muzan liked having me closer to him for some reason. I was always a bit confused as to why because if he wanted to summon me, he could just tell Nakime to summon me and I would be there in a split second.

Let's get back to my current situation.  I could feel the panic start to set in my stomach. 

I just know that Muzan is going to be furious about the outcome of our mission. I let one of the lower demons die. I am for sure going to die. I didn't want to die, I didn't want to get hurt. However, I knew I made a big mistake so the punishment should surely be death. And knowing Muzan it would be painful.

Next thing I knew, tears were flowing down my (s/c) skin. I couldn't control them. They started cascading down my face like a waterfall, and my breathing started to get heavy. 

I remember these... panic attacks. I had them quite often when I was human.

"(y/n)". I froze up hearing the familiar voice calling my name. 

My back was facing him, so he couldn't exactly see my tears. So I quickly wiped them away, hoping he wouldn't see me crying. That would only make me seem weak to his eyes. I tried to control my breathing but it was hard to do. 

"Yes... Master." I muttered, not facing him.

"(y/n), face me." He says and I silently curse to myself. I turn myself around, still keeping my head facing the ground. 

"Tell me how the mission went." He says and just like that, I feel my panic attack start again.  My breathing started to get heavy, I could feel my heart palpating. My words were stuck in my throat. I didn't want to tell him. I don't want to get hurt.

The next thing I know I could see his nice leather shoes in my vision. One of his hands was on my upper arm, and his other hand reached for my chin. Forcing me to look up at him. 

Muzan's eyes widen looking at me.  "Slow down, (y/n). Take a deep breath." 

I do what he says... because why wouldn't I listen to him? 

"I'm so sorry Master, I deserve to die." I say as some tears start to trickle down my face. "Did you find some information?" 

I nodded my head, "Yes... but I let Mukago die. One of your lower rank demons are now gone..." I whisper. 

"I do not care." His words cause me to look up at him surprised.  He could sense my confusion, so he continued. "I do not care that she died. She was weak anyway. Scared to fight any demon slayers. She was bound to die anyway with that mindset."  "It was my job to protect her though... and I failed. I am a failure." 

"I don't ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again." He sternly says causing my eyes to widen and my heart to stop beating. He was mad, I just knew it. I look back down at the ground.  "I'm sorry M-" "You are not a failure." 

"I'm sorry?"  Now I was confused.

"Stop saying you're sorry. There is no reason to be sorry."

I felt his hand on my chin, forcing me to look into his ruby eyes. 

"Now, tell me why you think you are failure." 

I took a shaky breath, "When I was a human... they always called me a failure."  Muzan's eyes furrowed, "who?"  "My parents.... if I did one thing wrong, I would get severely beaten." I let out a bitter laugh as I remembered a memory.

"I remember one time I was cleaning the kitchen and I forgot to clean out the ashes in the oven. When my dad came home, he was so furious. He took me outside, along with the ashes, and dumped them on me. After that he smacked me in the face. He called me a worthless failure... just because I forgot to take out the ashes. There was another time that I tripped in the house, and my mother got so mad for no reason. She kicked me repeatedly until my ribs broke and locked me in room. She said something along the lines that I was an embarrassment." 

I was suddenly pulled into an embrace. My eyes widen when I realized that I was in Muzan's arms. He was hugging me... 

"What-" "You are not a failure." 

I stopped talking, not wanting to anger him. It felt strange though. I never seen Muzan give affection to anyone. Why was this any different? 

It felt nice though... Hands being used to give affection instead of harm. Strange, but nice.

I slowly wrapped my arms around him, leaning my head into his chest. In response, he hugged me tighter, but not too tight. 

"You are very dear to (y/n), do you understand?"  I just nod my head.  "Good." He whispers still holding me in his embrace. I don't know how long this will last, but I will enjoy every second of it. 

"What happened to your parents?" He asks out of nowhere.  "Oh... I ate them. They were my first meal after you turned me."  I felt Muzan smile slightly, "good." 

[nanoa1foryou]

Translation - Yle interview, Käärijä, 30.9.2023

Translations for this interview by Yle

Käärijä opens up about his rough Erovision year - feeling like a circus monkey and the bolero has almost been thrown to the fireplace

The eurovision star shares how his thoughts haven't been able to keep up with all of this runaround.

Käärijä has thrown the green bolero off his shoulders for a moment. In a music studio in Helsinki Jere Pöyhönen from Vantaa is now sitting, wondering what the Eurovision year has brought with it.

It is a good moment for a mid-season account.

After the Eurovision madness Käärijä performed 51 shows in Finland, which is a staggering amount. An equal amount is lined up for the fall, when on top of the homeland shows there is a European tour ahead.

Käärijä has tried to take a holiday in between, but it hasn't fully worked.

Even now he has come in straight from a tv-show set. At the same time he should be working on new music.

The artist knows, that you have to strike while the iron is hot.

Worried people ask Käärijä constantly how he's doing. He doesn't know that himself either.

– At the moment it feels like I would need more time off. I'm honest and not denying that. The shows keep going and I'm slightly scared. Touring has never scared before, but now maybe the fact, that how will I make it through it all.

The Eurovision result frustrates him even still

Käärijä watched the Eurovision Final video just a few days ago.

He still cannot understand, what happened in the arena in liverpool, when the whole hall was chanting Cha Cha Cha.

The Final performance was one of the easiest and most relaxed for Käärijä, because months of work was coming to an end. He also remembers the moment, when he almost ran into a wire that got stuck.

Käärijä placed closely second and took the loss with a heavy heart. It bothers him still.

– Of course it's frustrating at times. But people comfort me a lot and try to find reasons, why it was better I didn't win. At the end of the day life wins and it's not more serious than that.

The artist celebrates, that he got the most votes from the audience. It has bred him a lot of shows.

He will not be going to Eurovision for a second time. The runaround starting from UMK was so hectic, that the human mind can't keep up with it.

–Kind of like if you opened up a christmas present and you get your favourite toy and even still the childish enjoyment is minor. Every day so much happens, that I didn't have time to process it and it was already the next day. Just remember that we went and fast,

Käärijä's golden cage

The phenomenon that started from Käärijä has been exceptional.

Though the fame flatters the artist, he has felt it in his skin.

In his opinion some people don't know how to behave, when for example they take pictures of him with no respect to his privacy.

– Even though I like giving autographs and taking pictures, too much is too much.

At times Käärijä has felt like a circus monkey.

– I get this feeling, like you're a monkey in a travelling circus. You don't get to have feelings and opinions or others decide how things are and I have no say in this.

At the darkest moments the thought has crept into Käärijä's mind, that he should just quit.

– yes there are those moments, that now the bolero is going into the fireplace and the song gets deleted, if that were possible. but at no point has there been anger towards my own product. Maybe at times towards the artist Käärijä comes this feeling, like could you just go hide for a moment and lay down, so that I'd get some peace too, Käärijä laughs.

Despite it all Käärijä's inner animal always comes to life when at a show Cha Cha Cha comes on.

Käärijä says, that the Eurovision year has changed him as a person.

– I can appreciate things very differently. When the success and fame came, I've realized, that happiness is somewhere else in the end.

–I'd like to build a small cabin on some beach somewhere and go there after tour to calm down.

What next, Käärijä?

A few weeks ago Käärijä released his first song since Eurovision.

It's crazy It's party is notably related to Cha Cha Cha and it features Estonian artist Tommy Cash.

Cha Cha Cha has by now amassed over a 100 million streams on Spotify. That is a goal no other Finnish language song has ever reached.

Käärijä admits, that there was a lot of preassure to making new music after the huge hit.

– I'd be lying if I said there wasn't. But I was surprised by how relaxed my mind was when I finally started making new music. Perhaps the biggest preassure was left behind on the Eurovision stage.

Many Finns have hoped that the international attention would bring Käärijä a longer career internationally.

Some have however already deemed him a one hit wonder, when the new song hasn't gotten a lot of plays outside of Finland. Although even it has already over a million plays on Spotify.

– I myself have been a police about other artists like no no no, you shouldn't have done it like that. But with music you have to start from that you're happy with it yourself and if fans are coming in then that's a plus.

Though Käärijä is going on an European tour, he still considers Finland to be his most important market zone. If success comes from elsewhere then that's just a welcome addition.

Despite it all Käärijä is now a part of the eurovision canon and a real Eurovision legend.

He doesn't yet know how to fit the Eurovision legend's cape on his shoulders, because he sees himself as still too young. Käärijä knows though, that him and Cha Cha Cha will be living a life of their own from this point forwards.

But would Käärijä go to perform in Malmö, Sweden next spring on the Eurovision stage after the stinging loss last spring? After all, Eurovision usually gathers performances from the successes of previous years.

– Maybe earlier I had fears that I would become a Eurovision artist. But the world has changed and now we have Blind Channel and other successful artists from other countries. If the invite comes, then I'll gladly go along and experience it a little differently.

[castlebyersafterdark]

Is there anything in byler fics that gives you the ick if they have it? Like a specific thing about the characterization that you can't stand, or a certain type of scene happening that makes it hard for you to keep reading even if the fic is objectively well-written 🤔 You know, just your personal opinion lol

Hmmmmm. A few things, and I hate to focus on the negative or critical. But I think there are certain things that apply across the board with spicy stuff or sex scenes in general, but there's also a few points of characterization I don't really jive with for Byler. Under the cut so if someone's not here for critical vibes you can skip this one:

I think I've made it obvious I'm not into heavy dom/sub vibes. With some exceptions - a few fics I've really enjoyed played with the dynamic but they still gotta be Mike and Will, you know? And I so rarely like it. Overall - I don't think it fits them and I don't want to reignite this discussion so send an ask if you want but I'll prob read and ponder and let it sit. ANYWAY. I've dipped out if it sounds super out of character. They just wouldn't have a really really intense dynamic like this. There's a difference between leading in the bedroom and the other being a bit more passive or needy and dom/sub. You can write really rough sex and it not be dom/sub. It's mostly language use. And it's often a case of "He wouldn't fucking say that" with Byler for me. I'm... picky.

Calling someone master/sir is a huge turn off. Icky ick for me. A well placed, rare use of daddy is totally different though. (Not real into an extended scene about it as a d/s dynamic, that leads into secondhand embarrassment for me. But a little teasing implication can be so so good. With limits!!)

I pretty quickly nope out if the dirty talk is too degrading. I don't like that stuff. There's a difference in a cheeky moment of calling each other super needy or a fond little "you're such a slut right now" or "youre so desperate for this, look at you" like that's fine, that can be really hot. But actually degrading dirty talk is a huge turn off for me, irl and in fic, I'll admit that. I'm too sensitive to like it, even fictionally. Just makes me uncomfortable. I also don't like when the fic is supposed to be very early relationship or even their first time ??? and the dirty talk sounds like a bad adult film. What? Takes me out of the read, gotta say bye.

I lose interest when I can tell that they're doing anal with minimal foreplay or prep like to the point where I can't suspend my disbelief based on the action and description up until suddenly they're fucking. I can't take it seriously because the sex becomes nonsense and generic then. This extends to any fandom. Some don't care. But I care!! That's what makes it interesting to read. Otherwise you can swap in any characters and it's just sex scene mad-libs.

I don't typically like topWill in general unless special circumstances/good writing and made clear that they switch.

Oh wait, I think this is the definition of ick. I shrivel up and die at the word ravenette or too many epitaphs. JUST USE THEIR NAMES / PRONOUNS I could be loving a fic and then this happens and I physically feel my spine tense and I have to stop reading in case it's in the fic again. It just really feels embarrassing to me for some reason.

Specific to Byler? I kind of lose focus if it's mentioned even in passing that Will joined anything athletic in school. I'm one of those Will fans who's pretty staunch in the anti-athletic Will Byers agenda. He would never join a sports team. It throws off my groove!!!

These are all my opinions. You can do what you want!! I'm sure I do things and like things that people nope out of. That's why I encourage everyone to just do what you want and post what feels right for you. One man's yuck is another gal's yum is another person's fave is some dude's most hated trope. Mileage may vary and all that. Bless the archive for hosting everything and the ease of fic being at our fingertips. It's so easy to find new stuff and it's also easy to just back out of a fic that didn't jive - someone else might love it!! And that's cool!

[roxanneslosteyes]

Full DNI

Tw for brief mentions of heavily topics (p3d0philia, incest, abuse, SA/sexual abuse, rape and human trafficking)

(Note: how I use AFAB/AMAB aka assigned female/Male at birth is to reference people who were born female/male but do not identify themselves as "man/woman" aka they identity themselves as another gender. Because I sadly can't name all the gender identities in one post because it's makes it very long so i use afab or amab to shorter that)

There are no fandoms nor harmless ships on this dni list because if there any media or harmless ship I don't like is normally blacklisted by now. This dni don't really have tags for those types of people. And the ones that do have tags don't really use them sometimes so they can still interact with my account when I don't want them too.

Proshippers/Comshippers/Darkshippers (Whatever those types of "shippers" are now called, these shippers fetishizes heavily topics in ships like @bu$3, !nc3$t, etc. Also some Darkshippers still use proshipper term so that's why I added it here)

(In the original context of term proship and comship was originally pretty harmless. Comship was originally made for ships that were complexed like Goddess/God x human, vampire x human, Vampire x werewolf, etc. However the fetishes changed their name by stealing another shipper name which complicated things this is the same for proship which was originally meant supporters of ships (which was harmless and not fetishizing heavily topics) until those fetishizers stole the term and completely changing the original meaning.) (And the fact proship/darkship/comship community has alot of adults who are groomers too and has groomed minors into being proshippers/Darkshippers so yeah the community is just a safe place for online child sexual predators or child predators or Darkshippers/proshippers are child predators/Sexual child predators themselves but dont want to admit it) (side Note 1: Darkshippers still use proship/proshippers and still use comship/comshippers even though users are trying to get these terms BACK to their original meaning so that's why they are on the list) (side note 2:I have blacklisted the tags for proshippers/Darkshippers/Comshippers so I won't see them but sometimes they won't use the tags for some reason. I had a Darkshipper's artwork on my fyp of a fandom I love and a meme with two characters from the fandom I love. I reblogged it but didn't know they were a darkshipper until I looked back and saw a tag saying they are a Darkshipper. I did unreblog and unlike it and blocked them.)

(Another reason: They also disrespect creators boundaries so add Proshippers/dark shippers community being a safe place for sexual harassers and rape culture mindset people)

profic people (in this context, it isn't supporting different themes in fiction because ik some themes even if the themes are harmless get people mad for some reason. In this context, It's basically the sibling of proshippers aka shippers who fetishizes heavily topics through "ships". But its for everything else including the messed up ships that fetishizes heavily topics. Even if the heavily topics are sexualized/fetishized, The harmful stereotypes, villaining minorities, anything that rooted in horrible things really in fiction, they see it as "okay" and support it. No I'm not talking about these topics to spread awareness on harmful they are through a fictional story. It's the opposite, the stuff that were created by horrible people for other horrible people.)

(Note: The fetishized/Fetishizes/Fetishers as in fetishisation, Fetishisation and Fetishes are VERY two different things despite sharing a same word. One is straight up bad because its harmful aka Fetishisation because Fetishisation treats groups of people as sex objects not humans)

(Examples of groups of people that Fetishisation has its hands on: sex workers, women, lgbtq people, POC/People of colour, traumatised people etc. Fetishisation even applies to heavy topics like SA, p3d0, ¡nc3$t, etc which harms people who went through those trauma. This type of Fetishisation isn't from traumatised people nor does it come from people with mental issues/disorders, it's comes from non traumatised people/abled body people (people with no disorders/mental issues) because its apart of the Fetishisation of the traumatised people who went through this trauma. For example there is a popular book about heavy topics however re-releases of that book, the cover of these re-releases sexualizes the heavy topics in the book. Because its apart of that heavy topics Fetishisation.)

(Note pt 2: while one is in the grey zone aka Fetishes. Grey zone doesn't mean it is 100% bad thing and you are automatically a evil person! It's a complex thing that depends on the person 👍. How is it complex? Well Some Fetishes can be apart sadly apart of Fetishisation, while other come naturally, while others are from trauma, while others are come from disorders or mental issues, etc. That's why it's complex, this is same said with kinks which is also complex and in the grey area because it's depends on the person for that reason and how they are treating their Fetishes/kinks. Fetishes and kinks aren't all evil but we all have to be aware of horrible people who are misusing their fetishes/kinks to keep people with fetishes and kinks safe from those types of people because those types of people don't see their partners as human with boundaries, safe words and feelings but an object which doesn't create a healthy environment in that nature. The people who misuse kinks/fetishes come from fetishisation to the point they might harm people in real life because of their kinks/fetishes that came from fetishisation. Fetishisation even got its dirty hands of fetishes and kinks too however not everyone has sexual fantasies/kinks/fetishes come from fetishisation/want to harm others! There is a big difference between people with fetishes/sexual fantasies/kinks that don't come from fetishisation and people with fetishes/kinks/sexual fantasies that come from fetishisation!)

p3d0s (this includes L0l¡/sh0t@ likers/supporters) (Note: I'm not talking about people with intrusive thoughts nor people who was falsely accused of the horrible crimes like p3d0ph¡l¡a. They don't count in this dni)

Z00files

Crypto bros/sisters (idk the female version of a Crypto bro even though there are women who go into Crypto)

People who think sexual abuse can be "consensual" (yes there are people people who think sexual abuse can be "consensual" when that "consent" wasn't even consensual)

Fatphobic people

People who uses "don't read/play/watch it" to put people down for criticaling media or calling out media which has harm in it. (Even though they can simply block those people instead of commenting that if they can't handle the truth, don't like their favourite media having criticism or straight up have harmful mindset they want to keep. Yes don't play/read/watch term has been used to put people down for criticism or calling out harmful behaviour instead of actual trying to help people LIKE ITS SUPPOSED TOO! You know people who thought they can handle it then they turn out they can't and thats perfectly fine!)

Anya x Jimmy (From mouthwashing) shippers

Urbanspook Fans (I don't want people who are a fan of exploitation horror on my account)

(If you don't know, exploitation horror is a harmful genre in horror, it uses heavily topics just to get a reaction from the audience or there just for shock value. There is nothing wrong with using heavily topics in fiction ofc! But using heavily topics just for shock value can be harmful)

Ai artists/supporters

Ai fanfic/author writers

Art stealers

Fanfic stealers

Anti furries people

Anti therian people

Any people who just hate anything that is harmless and isn't harming people in real life

Radqueers (People who are in support of paraphiles, yes it includes the harmful ones like pedophilia and want them in the queer community. If it was about the harmless ones only like people wanting to date a robot or a device. Then sure, it wouldn't be a bad thing. But they are supporting the harmful ones so I don't want those people on my account)

People who bully beginner artists/Artists with exaggerated art styles

People who find "jokes" of people bullying beginner artists/Artists with exaggerated art styles "funny"

NFT supporters/likers

Donald Trump supporters

Wallyest aka Appleest DNI and selfest shippers in general (It's makes me uncomfortable, i have no problem with these types of shippers since its harmless most of the time. It's just not my cup of tea of ships. :3)

Transphobic people (This includes terfs/Transgender exclusionary radical feminists)

Homophobic people (This includes Lesphobic, Aphobic, Biphobic etc)

Racist people

people who believe in purity culture

Anti ACAB/All cops are bastards

Swerfs/Sex Worker exclusionary radical feminists)

Anti porn people (This is due that anti porn comes from whorephobia aka the name of the bigot nature against sex workers because pornstars are still sex workers and anti porn also comes from purity culture too. Its also demonises human trafficked victims and drug addicts. Its also supports police brutality)

anti sex work people (same reason as anti porn, it comes from whorephobia and purity culture, the demonstration of Human trafficked victims and drug addicts and supporting police brutality)

(How does anti porn and anti sex work demonise drug addicts and human trafficked victims? Simple it's the police, police arrest drug addicts when its been provided time and time again, addictions don't come out of nowhere it comes from some sort of cause like childhood trauma, peer pressure, trauma in general, mental health issues, etc. Sex workers can be drug addicts due that they are human just like everyone else, they can have the same reasons why they got addicted to drugs. The police will arrested human trafficked victims if porn and sex work is illegal because they are still a "sex worker" and not a victim in the eyes of the police and the victim were only trying to escape their abuse only to be thrown in prison or even get the death penalty. So being anti sex work or anti porn supports police harming drug addicts and human trafficked victims also making porn or sex work illegal harms POC/People colour and POC/People of colour sex workers because police will kill or arrest people of colour who aren't sex workers and cover their hate crime with "they were a sex worker/Pornstar so I can Legally kill them". Yes making porn or sex work illegal gives police to kill more innocent people legally meaning it won't count as "murder" or "hate crime" or "Abuse of power" in the eyes of the court.so yes being anti porn/sex work doesn't make you a "Feminist", an "Ally" to queer, victims of human sex trafficking or people of colour, disabled people, transgender people, its makes you a supporter of police's violence against minorities and victims. I swear many anti porn and anti sex work people have forgotten why the whole ACAB/All cops are bastards movement exists.)

N@z¡ supporters/N@z!s

Inotreal supporters

Ablest people

Pro Capitalism

Pro patriarchy

Anti abortion people/Pro lives

People who think fictional can't affect reality (I'm more talking fictional that has harmful elements such as demonising minorities, fetishizing heavily topics aka Fetishisation of heavily topics, etc, false information about animals or groups of people) (For example, in fictional media they demonise sharks which had a strong affect on real life. Fishers won't save a shark that been caught because they think they are going to kill them because that what fictional media told them. How racist people demonise cultures in their fictional media to the point, people start to think that's how the culture is like without looking into it. Another example is how media treat female sex workers to their male sex workers counterparts. Female sex workers are mostly seen as human trafficked victims that have no plot to the story, its just "all female sex workers are human trafficked" point. But when it's male sex worker, there is no mention him being human trafficked. It's seen as his job he signed up for. I have no problem with media calls out with serious topics that happen in jobs. But this is a double standard in fictional media about sex workers) (note: There is also problems with fictional media that can harm real people, for example there is a oversexualisation about women especially black women in fiction media. This came from gross white men and has caused affect of women. I think people think fetishizers fetishize real people of colour sex workers when it's not always true. They go after fictional porn too. This is why it's important for websites that allow fiction porn to block tags that rooted in fetishisation of real people, same with websites that allow real porn to save real sex workers to not feel dehumanised and help the less fetishisation of real people. Heck there are countries that block out inappropriate material that used for harm in fictional because predators use it instead of real child sexual abuse material or any real abuse, child predators do use harmless material of kids too sadly. I think people think child predators only go after real sexual abuse material. When they don't, they look at alternatives and fictional child sexual abuse material is one of the alternatives.)

People who think cyber bullying isn't real

People are anti an religious that isn't Christian (example: Anti Jews, Muslims, Pagans, people who believes in Satanism, etc. These are about people who hate religion because they can not about people who hate religion due to religious trauma!)

misogynists

zionists (not the religion, the people who support Isnotreal since that's what they are called.)

Incest likers/supporters

fetishizers (the ones who fetishize race, Sexuality, Disabled ppl, People's trauma, gender, bodytypes, etc aka seeing groups of people as Objects not humans.)

bimisogyny (another term I wasn't aware of that existed until now so its also on my dni list)

Sexist ppl

Fatshamers

Slvtshamers

Victim blamers

People who hate on harmless ships (Such as Oc x canon, canon x canon, rarepairs, Self inserts x canon etc.)

Toxic Helluva boss/Hazbin fans who have to make a big fuss over harmless things (like a vaild criticism of episode feeling rushed as a example or even harmless redesigns. (I seen alot HH/HB fans being just bad people over the redesign one when the redesigns were just there for fun or to help with character designs for future ocs they might have or characters if they go onto bigger things 😥) (Also I'm not talking about people who is critical out of pure hate for the creator or show. Since those type of criticise is out of hate then being helpful. Like I seen toxic helluva boss/hazbin hotel fans getting pretty pissed off at people who are critical of the show who are being very respectful with their criticise of the shows. Since the criticise they have is pretty useful for anyone. :3)

Any toxic fans really in any fandom

Alex Kister apologists/supporters (The creator of TMC, I'm not talking about people who don't know what he has done nor fans of TMC! Im just people who knew what he has done and still support him 👍)

Bigoted people!

People who make traumatised people's trauma as gender wars (Example: Mostly **from what I seen btw** the male fake allies of male trauma of any type survivors saying 'It's happens to men too' under a female or AFAB person of the same trauma video about their trauma)

Anti-Kink people

Fujios (This is under fetishizers who fetishizes groups of people since they fetishize gay people to my knowledge, correct me if im wrong 😭.)

People who forgave yan dev and people who support him

People who support Dream (The dsmp member)

Fascists

People who romanticizes true crime

People who treat real victims of trauma as circus animals and not humans

MERF (Male exclusionary radfem/Radical "Feminist", I looked this up and many sources say its an alternative term for terfs who are Transphobic to trans women, they see trans women as men.)

People who sexualizes/Fetishizes religion (that does includes nuns because the fetishisation of nuns came from cisgender straight men who has/had a rape culture mindset)

Misandrists (It's linked to Transphobic and transandrophobia against trans people and isn't queer progressing. Because making the "all men are violent/ perverts by nature." Makes a pipeline for transphobia and transandrophobia. Alot of cisgender women think trans women are violent/sexual predators that are men in dresses and they think trans men are the same as the cisgender male criminals. When trans people don't commit crimes the same level as their cisgender counterpart. Trans people are more likely to be harmed in some way, its also worse for POC trans people because of the racist transphobia then cisgender white women. Yes I seen trans men sharing their stories with transphobic women and how those transphobic women think trans men ARE the same as their cisgender male counterpart.)

Lovelypeaches fans/stans

People who demonised addictions (yes this includes the demonising porn addiction and Character ai/cai addiction since porn addiction and Character ai/cai is still addictions. Addictions are hard to stop being addictions, shaming someone for their addiction isn't helping or portraying someone for their addiction as a "bad person" or calling out a user for their addiction is also a shit thing to do)

Anti recovery people

White supremacy people

Classicism People (I think that's how you spell it, People who judge others based on where they are in the hierarchy)

Wilbur Soot (The YouTuber from Dream (Minecraft YTer's group) Supporters/forgivers

white feminists (White Feminists are basically a "Feminist" version of White supremacy)

People who think "blackwashing" exists (it's a term that was created by a white supremacist)

transmisogyny people (I didn't know this exists until recently)

Georgenotfound supporters/apologist (I'm not talking about people who didn't know, I'm talking about people who do know and still support him)

Those "meme/joke" accounts or people who support those accounts (the ones that joke about heavy topics not for comfort but they don't see those heavy topics as heavy topics, straight up bigoted or hating on people who is having fun and doing something harmless)

People who spread misinformation about important things and heavily topics on purpose

culture appropriation people (under the racist dni)

People who have crushes on REAL LIFE abusers/rapists/serial killers/etc

People who use character ai/cai to talk to AI bots of real people (I'm not talking about live action characters more so on real life abusers/actors/singers/rapists/serial killers/etc)

People who "joke" about fucking animals/fishes (it's fucking weird, I don't know what's so funny about sexual animal abuse)

I should really explain some things of my DNI list.

So is Misandry linked to Transphobia and transandrophobia?

From what I have seen Misandrists don't give out any reliable sources at all which can be a problem. Since we are at a stage of technology and being dependent on Search engines instead of listening to books. Many cisgender women might not have any bad problems with men in their lifetime but want to dig more into women's problems (which isn't a problem itself) mostly look up these things and come across a "study" that is rooted in Transphobia about Trans women being more dangerous than cisgender people or Trans men being more dangerous than cisgender people. Which becomes pipeline for transphobia. Transgender people are one of the minorities that are demonised by their oppressors

Heck, I saw stories from trans men getting hated on by cisgender women because they are a trans man, getting compaired cisgender men.

Misandrists is more about hate than educationing women's problems

It's like how some feminists bring up "movements that gave women's rights" as good reasons to support feminists when in reality these movements were mostly for white women only and women of colour had to suffer more to get their rights because those white women was racist. (This is coming from a feminist btw.) An example of this would be the movement that gave well only white women a right to vote. The women who was in this movement rejected black and brown women from joining their team to give women a right to vote because of their skin colour.

What's Terf?

A terf is short for Trans-exclusionary radical "feminism"/Trans gender exclusionary "Radfems"It's pretty self explanatory, they are "Feminists" who are Transphobic.

What's a Swerf?

A swerf is short for sex workers exclusionary radical "Feminism"/Sex Worker exclusionary "Radfems".

Swerfs are the sister of terfs in a way.

Yes the sex work industry and its sub industries have serious problems and exploitive however the sex work industry and its sub industries aren't the only industries with serious problems and exploitative, all industries in this world have serious problems and exploitative due to all industries are under Capitalism and Patriarchy's control.

Swerfs also have this black and white view of sex workers and clients, Swerfs think all sex workers are straight cisgender women and all clients are straight cisgender men when in reality sex workers can be any gender and Sexuality same with the clients.

Swerfs also think sex work is the reason for women objection (when it's Patriarchy's fault) and sex work is only for "Male gaze" (Which doesn't make sense as male clients aren't the only clients due there are clients that are all genders)

The time i know about the male gaze fits into sex work more on the heterosexual men side since well that's literally what male gaze applies too, gross Heterosexual men (I'm talking about misogynistic straight cisgender men who objectify women btw)

However Swerfs only use it to fit in "Every sex worker is a woman and every client is a man." View they have while completely forgetting about lesbian SWers, gay SWers, Bi Swers and other Sexuality outside of straight SWers and clients. Queer clients and Swers exist.

Swerfs also blame sex workers for the gross crimes of men and inappropriate behaviour against women (Again Patriarchy's fault) **FROM WHAT I SEEN**

They also blame sex workers for holding up the patriarchy and blame them for fetishisation of groups of people who get fetishized instead of the fetishizers and Patriarchy.

They also paint SW as all types of literal sexual crimes. When SW and those sexual crime CRIMES ARE VERY DIFFERENT.

(SW is legal and the crime they normally paint Sex work as takes place in countries where SW is illegal.)

Swerfs treat sex workers as not human as all, which is really dehumanising. For example when a gross man is being weird over a woman's body and people call it out they go "wow you met a real woman" since they associated this kind of behaviour with porn or they go "Wow, you met a woman outside of porn" which gives the vibe if a woman becomes a pornstar (a type of sex worker) she isn't a human anymore which is really dehumanising. It's like how terfs and transphobes hate trans women because they aren't "real women".

Also they are very hypocritical, For example many swerfs see SW as danger to women and queer people that aren't SWers (because they think Queer SWers and Female/Afab SWers are responsible for the queer fetishisation and gross men seeing women as objects. They only care about non female/ AFAB SWers and non queer SWers not Swers themselves even though that's what they are claim to be "saving") and fictional adult content is fine, only for them to a 180° and start attack fictional adult content and also calling it harmful to women and queer people (Also doing the same thing they do to SWers. They blame all SWers for the actions of gross men and not the gross men for their own actions or in some cases blame all SWers for a one bad SWer actions. For example if a SWer is doing kinks that are for traumatised people for the male gaze and people found out about this, swerfs blame all SWers for that SWer action.) But in this case, blame every person who does adult content instead of the gross people (aka the queer fetishers and gross men who see women as objects or the people who made that content for the male gaze/they are queer fetisher themselves). (Don't get me wrong there is problems with fictional adult content of all kinds, it's good and important to call it out. However what I explained with the swerfs, there aren't doing that. It's about villainizing and controlling thanks to purity culture.)

Also swerfs with anti fictional adult content movement they now hooked on, they also have the same black and white mindset like they do with SW but In this case be the only people who draw/write adult content are men. (I guess AFAB/female and queer people who draw/write adult content is non existence recording to swerfs)

I do understand the worry about minors getting into sex work while underage however it isn't sex work's fault for this, it's the lack of education because there are some important things that is missing like if they went homeless while underage its literally child endangerment but schools wont talk about it. but many schools don't teach that. Heck even in sex education, some schools don't teach kids consent or signs of sexual assault/sexual abuse or safe sex, some schools just stick to sex = babies and pregnancy over and over again. (From my experience at least in school at least). How to fix this? Tell people how important education is! Instead of blaming sex work.

Of course, the sex work and porn industry deserves to get its serious problems spread awareness. People forget that these industries are complex due to how easy it gotten to do porn or sex work same with other industries like Video games, Animation, Music industries (industries with same problems due to corruption of jobs as a whole). Like Porn and sex work don't need a boss to get the job unlike before pornstars can pick up a camera to do porn with other sex workers who is the same as them (aka they are being self employed or having friends who are sex workers or a partner who is okay with this type of sex work). Making Sex work or porn illegal doesn't help these problems. It causes more problems. Heck, Police doesn't give a shit about human trafficked victims in all types of jobs industries. They still think they are breaking the law and call them "illegal workers" then arrest them or sue them and letting their abusers off the hook to continue their harm. Swerfs only bring these problems just to make those jobs illegal which again doesn't help.

What are anti-kink people?

Anti kink people are people who don't understand kinks at all but only know the serious harmful stereotypes of kinks. They don't want to learn about kinks, they want kinks to be illegal due to the harmful stereotypes against kinks they know of since these harmful stereotypes have filled up their brain so they assumed all kinks are like their harmful stereotypes counterparts

Also they confused kinks with Fetishisation.

(Note: Fetishisation isn't about fetishes, Fetishisation is about people seeing groups of people such as survivors of literally crimes, POC, disabled people, women etc as objects not as humans.)

When both aren't the same thing. Don't get me wrong there are people who misuse kinks for their own pleasure or for the "male gaze" or fetishisation of real types of people (especially kinks that are mostly used by traumatised people as a coping mechanism, that kink was formed from their trauma or take back control they lost in their trauma because people who aren't traumatised by the topics that the kinks are based on because they find those topics "hot" and it's closer thing they are going to get to their gross fantasies) also there is kinks that arent here to help traumatised people but to fetishisation people/fantasies about harmful stuff/justify gross mindsets (by non traumatised people/gross people btw) and we should call out these gross people but anti kink people can't tell the difference between kinks being used right, kinks being used bad or the "kinks" that are rooted in harmful nature

They think all kinks = bad/harmful without talking with traumatised people who have kinks, people with kinks or doing any research on the kinks themselves.

The same way Swerfs want SW to be illegal and Terfs want transgender to be illegal too.

Due to

Swerfs treat sex workers as subhumans and the cause of everything bad

Terfs treat Trans people (Mostly trans women) as sub humans

Anti kink people treat kinks as an abomination sub group to sex and the cause of every thing bad.

Because of the Transphobic ideas, SWphobic (idk if I can say the actual word on here) ideas and anti kinks ideas against those people (Sex workers and Transgender people) and that group (kinks)

Also making kinks, sex work, porn illegal is apart of Prison–industrial complex, if you don't know, to be it short it's a racist system in prison system aka putting POC sex workers and queer POC in danger (Since kinks are a big part in Lgbtq community). This system is already in prison system and is actively causing harm to POC (People of colour)

[strongsassysexysloane]

Are you happy now?

A/N:- She's back! I needed some Jack Sloane and I'm a ball of sads at the moment so... Emotions! You're welcome! 🫣

Sum: - Her past wasn't easy to share but she trusted you most with it. Only it hit you heavier than she'd expected.

Jack Sloane was many things, strong, confident, easily angered. Those things you saw on a daily basis. Lately it had been the latter. You knew why, which was why you had avoided being in a confined space with her for two weeks now. It was a smart and stupid decision. The one that got you into the position you were in right now.

“Was it worth it?” She hissed, her arms crossed, standing a few feet away giving Jimmy the room to check you over. Any closer and she may hit you.

Jimmy really didn’t want to be here so he worked extra fast causing you to wince more than normal. “Sorry.” He whispered as he touched your bruised ribs a little too hard. “Here.” He handed you an ice pack to put on the already purple bruise.

She was so mad, looking over you as Jimmy worked. “Are you happy now?”

You rolled your eyes which only angered the blonde more. “He’s dead, isn’t he?” That wasn’t the response Jimmy or Jack expected. This wasn’t you, or was it now? “He didn’t deserve anything less for what he did to her. I only wish I shot him sooner.” This definitely wasn’t you, you were normally more level headed than most of the team.

The case had hit everyone hard. Especially you and Jack. You were the only one who knew about her past, in the army and before. She had to hold you back when you figured it out. Now this case had come up and you were full steam ahead, no sleep, no rest and then tackling the perp without anyone to back you up. That ended with him being shot but not before he managed to kick and punch you a few too many times. This meant desk duty for the next month, not because of your injuries but because of your actions.

The team had noticed your behaviour change. Jack more so than anyone because she knew why. It had gotten to the point where she almost, almost regretted telling you even though it was something you deserved to know about her.

“We don’t go around putting people in the ground. We –“ She had a whole spiel but you weren’t hearing it. The heavy sigh that came out of you almost had her stepping in to shut you up.

Jimmy had finished his inspection, wrapped your ribs and covered up the gash to your cheek. “Done, I’m going to just-“ He looked between you and got a nod from Jack.

“Thanks Jimmy.” You mumbled before hopping off the table. There was a sharp pain to your side and you almost keeled over. Jack stepped forward to help but stopped herself. The back door clicked closed and you knew you were alone.

“He wasn’t him.”

“I know Jack. You never gave me a name or time frame so I can’t do the thing I want to do but I needed something to get it out on.” You sighed, hearing yourself. There hadn’t been an outlet for your built up anger, the punching bag in the gym hadn’t even been enough.

She sighed moving forward. “This anger needs to stop. This is the reason I don’t want to tell you his name or where he liv-“

“Wait! You know where the fucker lives?! For Christ’s sake Jack, he’s in DC?” You almost fell backwards but she caught you. Her hands on your waist, avoiding the bruised areas.

Her forehead rested against yours. This had been the closest you two had been in a while. “Please stop. For me.” Your side of the bed had been cold for far too long and she needed you back in it. Her walls crumbling with the sight of you up close.

The way her voice almost broke, cut you the most. You had avoided her because you knew this would hurt her again. Your emotions had gotten the better of you and you kept your distance to protect her. You would always protect her and that’s what was killing you. “Ja-ck.”

She kissed you then, the desperation from the time apart bled into the kiss. “I just want you. I know you are the protector, it’s who you are and I love you for it but it’s not all you are. I am ok. Don’t let that horrible thing break you too. I couldn’t live with myself if it broke you too.” Her lips messily caught yours in blubbery, emotional kiss.

It rooted you to the spot. Her words, her emotions and you cried. The anger bleeding out through your tears. “I’m sorry baby.”

She tried her best to smile through the tears. “I know.”

“I love you too, you know.” A smile cracking at the corner of your mouth. It was the first time you were both admitting those feelings. “So much.”

The kiss said it all even if you heard the door open you didn’t separate. Tears mixed with growing smiles, it was too much emotion between two people. “Can we go home now?”

You just nodded against her neck, holding her closer and inhaling her scent you had missed so much. God, you missed her so much and it killed you that it was your own fault this had gotten between you.

“Thank you, Jimmy. She won’t be needing anymore assistance for a while.” Jack held you around the waist, your arm curled around her shoulders. As much as you could walk, you didn’t want to let her go.

Jimmy smiled at you both. He knew there was more between you than just friends. “I hope not. Take care of her.”

“I will.” You both said in unison and smiled at one another.

He chuckled to himself and walked off to his desk.

You rested your head in her shoulder as you waited for the elevator. “To answer your question earlier... Yes, I am happy now.” Well, happier than you’d been in a long time.

Jack laughed and punched your side. “Smart ass.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As much as it's all the emotions... I can't help but have a happy ending. Life sucks enough that you need to know your fav character has a happy ending.

[lesslie-sass]

Average experience with nuzi shippers

Heavy stuff under there, mention of su1cide ideation and how whole "getting cancelled thing" affected me

Yeah I'm still bitter and so what? Those, let's call things their names, assholes get off scoot-free after insulting me, sending me death threats, cancelling me, basically ruining my reputation and making me some kind of toxic monster that has nothing good to say. And according to some lizard12323 bitch I also don't deserve good life.

That definitely didn't worsen my suicide ideation and feeling of worthlessness, making me have fear of stabbing myself with kitchen knife, and I do in fact still feel dread holding a knife, or made me practicly shut down for almost two month. But I guess it doesn't matter because I ship problematic, abusive ship. Which I repeat for how many times again I DO NOT THINK IS HEALTHY AND I'M NOT SERIOUS ABOUT IT. add that this accident wasn't main reason for my decline, I had rather terrible graduation that practicly broke me, with it hitting me with everything that's wrong in my life, but this whole thing definitely didn't help during that time.

And it's really funny how those people preach about "acceptence" and be "free and cringy", that an unstable brat like Uzi (reason why I hate Uzi is rather personal, which I don't wanna unpack here right now) deserves all the sympathy, yet the second those like her, me, don't agree with their opinion and are vocal about it - they do everything to shit on them, make them shut up and leave. Ignoring how someone acted worse, sending literal death threats, even going as far to cut that part off screenshot when I said about retrieving them.

And what's even funnier - I actually thought of apologizing, unbelievable from someone like me, huh? That maybe I was too crude and was egging, "ragebating", people with my tone and that certain post, but that quickly got thrown out of the window once death threats came and everyone ignored it. Some even encourage it.

Do I say I'm just innocent victim and didn't nothing wrong? Oh hell no, I was pretty cocky and don’t feel any guilt (low empathy hi) for shitting on n*zi ship and Uzi, I still stay true to my "wrong" opinion and "bad" takes, and I did wish for something bad to happen to kittydragondraws, moonmarooned, lizard12323 and this Nori Doorman user. I was indeed mad at these people, some more than others. I do wish for them to suffer at least some consequences for making me feel like that, blowing out situation by arguing with me, instead of just leaving me alone, and making bunch of people block me. Which honestly feels like they got butthurt I didn't change my mind after their "criticism" of me, which was just dismissing my opinion as "wrong" and shielding themselves with stupid headcannons, that don't hold any weight in argument from neither side. Also these whole thing did remind of simular incident in the past, where I got practicly in the same situation with everyone hating me and me being helpless to do anything about it, don't wanna elaborate on it, it’s really personal. And I know, I'm an adult (though let's be real, no one feels like adult in 20), should've know better and all, which makes everyone automaticly have less sympathy towards me, especially with my choise of otp to draw. But in the end, I didn't do anything THAT hurtful and deserving of such hate, I wasn't wishing someone death, insulting someone's interests, calling those who don’t agree with me bigots and all other kinds of "ism" for sure. Wasn't hypocritical, saying I care about everyone who left fandom early, but then mock and throw those who had opinion I don't agree with under the bus, which might cause some to leave early (hi kitty).

Was it self-pitying? Honestly, don't know, I just needed to get this out of my chest for good, to finaly move on. I didn't made this post for starting this drama again, but to spread awareness of how terrible some people with popular aka "right" opinion can be to those individuals who think differently. And that n*zi still sucks pretty hard and Uzi is a brat.

[icharchivist]

Not the Seine D':

Those poor Olympic swimmers

oh that's too late for that

you're missing the politics of it though i'm afraid.

the organization of the Olympics in France have been devastating, as it often is elsewhere. There's so many things i could point to (the fact they literally threw students out of their student dorms without giving them new housing in order to turn their dorms into athletes dorms for example, or the fact each transportation cost x10 its original price now or you couldn't go out in the street without a government approved pass), but regarding the Seine:

The Seine has always been unclean. It's the least clean body of water you can imagine. there's corpses at the bottom of the river, there's pollutions dating from centuries and back, there's everything bad you can imagine in the water.

Last year or so in preparation for the Olympics an the triathlon, for the pride of saying the athletes could swim in the Seine, the government spent 1.4 Billions Euro trying to clean the waters.

This money came from cutting a lot of public help and taxes. Public doctors got a huge % of their posts fired, there's been arguments to cut on the social health insurance programs, ect. It also comes at a time French people have been protesting a lot because the gap of poverty is becoming wider and wider everyday. Inflation hits hard, most homes are struggling to get by, any of the aids are being made more and more conditional, it's a crisis. Protests have led to nothing except even more restrictions.

You can also add to it that Macron disolved the Assembly one month before the Olympics for a snap election and has been refusing to abide with the result because he doesn't want to admit the Left Party won, and he asked for the government to be "on pause" for the Olympics. Basically it's been 2 months we don't have a government and Macron refuses to acknowledge the voting result of an election he forced on us at the last minute, using the Olympics as the reason why.

So when right before the Olympics the Government said that it finally paid off, that the Seine has been cleaned, people were enraging. First of all because it comes from this whole context, second of all, because it was an obvious lie. Government officials swam in the Seine to try to prove it was clean. In the days between that and the triathlon started, there was heavy rains that also brought sand and pollution, and if the Seine had been cleaned, it would have definitely been uncleaned now.

But we all can tell the Seine is NOT swimmable.

So as a "protest", French people tried to push a movement to shit in the Seine before the Government officials started to swim in it, so they're forced to acknowledge that this is NOT a good situation, that it was a waste of money, and that they'll get athletes killed if they go on with it.

Obviously, it was just threats and no one actually did anything.

The Triathlon actually happened.

And now multiple Athletes have came forward with having been rendered sick by their swim in the Seine. Mainly a lot of people were diagnosticed with E.Coli. Multiple athletes had to give up because of that. Others athletes mentioned the pure fear of the things at the bottom of the River having touched them, from still having seen the corpses down here.

The Seine was never clean. The Government spent absurd amount of money, that could have gone elsewhere, to pretend it wasn't for Vanity's sake. French people wanted to protest to showcase this truth. In the end the protest didn't happen, but the reality of the Seine not being clean still showed itself and now the Athletes are paying the price.

So let's not say the "Olympics don't deserve it" about a joke-protest that was specifically planned to prove no one should swim in the Seine, and instead get mad at the French government for wasting so much money on a losing battle that had led to so many people getting sick as a result. Who's the one caring for the Athletes there?

[buddy-the-bud]

! VENT / TRAUMADUMP !

BLUARGH-

🧡 Here's a silly DeeDee if ye don't wanna read this!

04/08/24

One thing I've realized over the dozens of my life fuck-ups is that no matter how hard I try refrain from it, no matter how much I try to change that and keep going, I will forever be an overly submissive "I do whatever you want" boring socially awkward mess that constantly relies on someone else's validation. Had to leave a friend, because of this. All because of my stupid social anxiety which came from the given trauma from middle school.

..I know you've changed, but none of you have ever apologized. And even if you did, I could never forgive you.

I know, because forgiving you is exactly what I was trying to do this whole time we were friends. Why do you think I stook by you this whole time?

I tried to forgive you, even though you've never said sorry to me. I tried, because I could see you are not the person you used to be anymore.

I tried, I really did, but I just can't forget. Sadly, no matter what you do, you can't undo what's been done. It really did hurt and affect me more than you think and I can't keep hiding it in front of you for the sake of our friendship.

I am not holding any grudges, I don't hate you nor I am mad at you. I stopped being mad at you a long time ago, trust me. Spending time with you was a fun ride, even though you always thought I was boring. But being around you simply hurt. Just hearing about you always makes me feel so anxious. I mean, FOR FUCKS SAKE THIS ISN'T HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL ABOUT A SUPPOSED FRIEND!!!! YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY! EXCITED TO MEET THEM! NOT PARANOID OR STRAIGHT UP AWFUL WHENEVER THEY'RE EVEN MENTIONED??? This was NOT healthy. Not at all.

Oh, may I also add that one of your friends (another one responsible for this) still fucking hates me to this day, because "I'm weird and always agree with everything" BITCH, YOU ARE THE REASON I AM THIS WAY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I HATE THIS TOWN.

...Can't wait to move out and start over. I am trying to change my antisocial behavior, manage my trauma somehow, but It's nearly impossible when you're surrounded by all those people.

Being around them just makes me wanna kill myself again. Hate to admit it, but it's true.

Edit: Shit, didn't I say this blog wasn't gonna have too heavy vents???? I'm so sorry.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #51

A friend is coming over today to play Stepmania on my Frankenpad.

I'm excited about this, but also nervous. My house is a neurodivergent one, and it has 5 cats. It looks like a neurodivergent house (as in, clutter everyfuckenwhere), and it smells like there are 5 cats living here. It's not squalid or anything, but… it definitely doesn't look like one of those images you find in Home and Garden magazines.

But maybe it's not entirely necessary for my house to look like it's not inhabited by three neurodivergent people stacked in a trenchcoat trying to pass as a Functional Adult™.

This image sums up our situation nicely, although it's with three people instead of four:

It's not lost on me how lucky I am to have my husbands. I don't know what they see in me, but they keep me around anyway, even though they don't gotta. So I do what I can to deserve them both.

I feel a little better today than I did yesterday. Before bed, I rehydrated with a big glass of warm milk. Warm milk is a nice thing because it doesn't matter how awful or wired or antsy or tense I feel; 20 minutes after I'm finished drinking it, I become super sleepy, and then I'm out like a light. Works every time, for reasons I don't fully understand. Maybe if you ever have trouble sleeping, you can give it a try.

In any case. In order to prepare for today, I made myself some green tea and it was very good. And then I went to the grocery store, both to get ingredients to make pumpkin soup for the weekend (I'll write a letter about this process for you when I begin to make it, don't worry!), and to get supplies to make nachos for everybody tonight. I took a few pictures of my grocery store adventures for you; it was a lot less crowded today. Here:

This is canned pumpkin. I have to get it canned because fresh pumpkin is out of season where I live until next autumn. But that's okay; this stuff is pretty good too:

Here's some heavy cream. This is the basis for any bisque, which is what I am trying to make for my friends this weekend, because, sadly, I cannot make it for you:

And here is some cream cheese, which will also be added to the soup for extra decadence:

And here's a starfruit. Because I adulted today, and that means I deserve a little treat!

The sticker says "carambola", because it's also called that. I like "carambola" better as a word to describe this fruit; it rolls off the tongue better. Try it: "ka-RAHM-bo-la"; it's fun, isn't it?? Haha! 😁

...But then nobody knows what I'm talking about when I say "carambola", so "starfruit" is just easier if I want to be understood. 😅

Maybe it's a little weird, but… in service to the notion that you'd like a normal life, I wish I could bring you to the grocery store and show you all the things and all the best ways to pick stuff out. And I'd step up to anyone who even so much as looks at you funny for your height, build, albinism, long hair, or wing, if it's out. I'd kick them right in their stupid shins and yell at them to get lost before I get REALLY mad and introduce my knuckles to their face at an unpleasant velocity. I'm only 5'8" to your 6'7", but still I can get pretty scary when I gotta! I'd have your back, don't you worry. I'd protect you from anything. It'd be fine. You'd be safe with me; I'd make sure of it.

In any case. You remember that bison and venison I got from my last trip to the grocery? I had intended to use that for making the nachos today. I'm eager to see how it'll turn out. Oh, and I gotta grate some cheese, too; I almost forgot. Thanks for reminding me (I know you didn't really, but it's fun to pretend)! 😜

I have since cooked up the bison and venison, and grated up three different kinds of cheese. Check 'em out:

I was surprised that bison and venison taste so similar. It's almost like beef, but not really. I mixed the three different kinds of cheese into a great big bowl, so the prep work for making nachos later is complete. I already have some chopped veggies and some guacamole and something kinda like sour cream, so it's good to go!

Since writing the last paragraph, we picked up my friend and we played a lot of Stepmania on my awesome Frankenpad! I even managed to snag a video of me on it that I think isn't too terrible! Here:

Certainly, my balance and stamina aren't what they used to be; it's been a lot of years since last I used to do this with any sort of consistency. But that's okay! This was one of my favorite Expert Mode songs; the rhythm with which you're supposed to use your feet is a lot of fun for this one, and I remember when this used to be a "warm-up" tune for me, haha! I'm hoping that if I continue to do it, I'll improve again, over time.

You know? I bet you'd probably be really good at this. I imagine you must have crazy amounts of stamina, and I imagine your sense of rhythm must be impeccable. I wonder which songs you'd gravitate towards. I wish you could play together with me and my friends; I think you might have a lot of fun with it, once you get used to it, and it would be great to see you smiling and having a good time.

In any case, afterwards we ate nachos!! We filled bowls with chips, ground meat, and cheese, and then heated it up in the microwave! It's not fancy, but it's certainly effective! Check it out!

After that, you add your cold things. I had guacamole, onions, bell peppers, tomatoes, and the sort-of-sour-cream. Here's what it looked like when the bowl was fully assembled:

And just like that, you add a few juicy veggies and you have a healthy bowl of awesome tastiness! Woot, woot!

We had an amazing time and lots of delightful conversation. I think you'd like this person a lot if you met her. She's very smart and she has a lot of insightful things to say. I'm looking forward to the next time I get to spend time with her.

...I wish you could have been here for any of this. I think you could feel safe and at home and cared for and like you have family at my house. After the hellish upbringing I had, I have, with help, done my best to shape myself into someone who is wholesome and safe, and to shape my home into a place that is wholesome and safe. I know that you could be welcome here. I know that with enough time and patience, you'd adjust to the peace, because you have a smart brain and a flexible mind. You could chill where the kind people and the tasty snacks and the fun things are, and you'd never have to wonder if you belong, because you would. Because you do. Because you always have, regardless of how you came into being, and regardless of what anyone else has tried to tell you. You belong, and you deserve good and wholesome things.

But I guess writing to you about it and sending you videos and pictures is the best I can do; I'm sorry about that - I really, truly am. I hope somehow that any of this might reach you and move you, but... I don't imagine that it will. But I also can't stop myself from trying against all odds anyways, for better or for worse, haha.

You can have this, you know - this simple life, and any of the lovely and good things I've been trying to show you (and will keep trying to show you). All you have to do is make a different choice. All you have to do is take the hands outstretched to you. All you have to do is open your ears and your mind to the kind words being spoken towards you. All you have to do is turn your face back to the light. I'll be over here until you do, singing a little song for you, and weaving a little handicraft, as I always do.

So... please stay safe until you're ready, okay? Please remember that you're loved and cared for. Please make good, kind, and brave choices.

I'll write to you again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lethalitisms]

i don't know which headcanons you've been sent for the meme so here's a Free Choice ask to pick one that hasn't been mentioned! n.n

DIFFICULT PAST

Romance // Are they romantically involved with another character? Is it a healthy or toxic relationship? (Feel free to list multiple relationships if available.)

[[ omg you spoil me but honestly there's a lot of depth to this one-- that doesn't even involve the two of them together! so i'll sort of . . be yapping a LOT. but not like i haven't been doing that already. bonding in general has been a metaphor for all types of relationships, so excuse me as i broaden this prompt to include those too. so like, this is levels of yapping from me you've never seen before, here's a readmore:

before the symbiote, there was anne, eddie's ( former ) wife / fiancée ( it's not really consistent which she is in canon, but there was a panel where he signed divorce papers with the symbiote, which i find entertaining to hilarious degrees ). she knew eddie at his peak. his career was going strong, he was happy, and of course we can't forget that he had all his boyish charm intact.

a little scrawny, but that's fine, she fell for him because he was a sweetheart. he's like, the perfect contender for a father with a nuclear family. the symbiote liked her, and even joined in on eddie's somewhat possessiveness over her after their divorce, to the point of suggesting to kill her other fiancé when they found out who it was... so, this is toxic. i don't think eddie wouldn't be as possessive as this if he wasn't like that while they were together. she probably liked it too, but in a way that she thought he was joking.

anne did not like the symbiote. and there's plenty of good reason for that, one of which i won't really want to get into because i'll spiral into a "why i didn't like the 2018 run very much" thing and this post is gonna be long enough as it is.

then . . . there was beck. she was a part of the underground homeless population that he helped to protect. i'm still going through stuff involving her, because it's kind of scattered all over, but she really liked him for his altruism even though at times he got too brutal for her tastes. she didn't like the symbiote at all. but the symbiote did like her. don't read the madness, but it had some decent takes on their romance despite its "i'm so edgy" theme ( and again, doing things which i just won't perceive ).

now, we get to the symbiote. i want to take a moment here to talk about its crushes too and the non-romantic relationships between them, because that'll put some perspective on your chest. or something like that.

how about its first love, spider-man. this one makes me pull out my hair (/pos) because it's so . . . the thing about arachnids in general on Klyntar is that they symbolise a terrifying form of bonding/relationship ( to quote: "the arachniote is a warning. the arachniote is love. the arachniote is death ).

a lot of its current ideals with regards to heroism come from him first. a lot of its first feelings were discovered through him. and it continues to have this sort of small crush on him, to the point of being willing to return to him if he asked. until more recently, spider-man hated the fuck out of that symbiote. but he's coming around to it, and that's just a few years too late, but i'll take it.

here comes golden boy, flash. if you haven't read one of my ramblings about him as the symbiote's host, here it is now. flash is easily one of the top on its list. he's done a lot of the heavy lifting with regards to teaching it how to be a hero, thanks in part to the fact that he also had to teach another fresh symbiote-user ( andi ) and by extension her symbiote ( mania ).

the thing about flash is that he had a lot of military involvement too, which did contribute to the symbiote's feelings on its heroism while with him. it's kind of toxic, but after they stopped using sedatives and stuff like that, their bond grew really really close and it does talk about flash to eddie quite a bit. enough to make him feel sort of . . . second fiddle to the guy. but the truth? is that it'd pick eddie. just that, if it had the choice, it would choose both of them.

and now the man of the hour. their relationship started off extremely toxic. and this is prior to getting romantic with it. they joined together because of a shared sense of hatred towards spider-man. in the earlier years, though, it really didn't care about him. it mostly was there because it got the chance to enact vengeance through him. but later, as they both grew to set aside that anger, they got . . . less toxic.

i bring up the popular "it's not human, but it's given me things no girlfriend ever has". that's the thing about eddie; his lengths to accommodate the symbiote are . . . pretty unmatched. he learnt its language, first of all, which isn't easy because we know for a fact that practically nobody else knew it at first ( again, pointing to old stuff, but ben reilley not understanding it and then eddie goes to translate for everyone is some beautiful stuff ).

up until 2016, it was probably the most toxic relationship i've ever seen. levels of insane codependency, coupled by violent enabling, and so-on. then they break up, and it makes a psychic screech that makes people depressed. and then the next time they break up, eddie goes super-catholic-guilt and hates all symbiotes. and in later runs, they're effectively broken up again-- look where that got them. ( ok that last one technically doesn't count, because they weren't breaking up they just weren't bonded, but i think that it's really funny to blame interdimensional time travel on a break up ).

but right now . . . is it toxic ? is it not ? right now, they're fixing things. i think eddie and the symbiote are a ( yes, flawed ) representation of trying to fix a broken relationship, growing and learning. eddie has a problem with being overly obsessed over one thing/person. he'd kill for it. and i feel like, in their current point, they're working on expanding their bubble so-to-speak. having friends, letting them into their lives too, so that they don't stay stuck with just each other. because that's sort of the thing; their relationship was at its worst when they were talking to nobody but themselves. ]]

[catharsiswritings]

Sunflowers

How do you deal with a sister who has, as far as you know, never demonstrated sincere regret for any of her actions at any point in her life? This is someone who feels no remorse, no guilt, and if you try to respond to her bad behavior- her response is/was an indignant rage.

When she was younger she was downright sadistic. She's destroy things just to torment me, steal money from me without any remorse and when confronted she's sort of smile with flippant indifference and tell me to "fuck off" or worse, return my anger with her own hateful rage. She'd scream every epithet at me she could think of.

Despite today outwardly being very progressive, she is the only person in my family to ever called me a f**g**. She did it on many occasions, usually when mad at me. She would call things I like "gay" in a pejorative way. She would mock me, and she did this usually because she was just annoyed with me one way or the other. Maybe I was playing piano too loudly or too much, maybe I being an annoying 10 year old kid. Either way, those hateful words stuck with me. I've never forgotten them, or the mocking way she would say it. I can hear the words now, even in my (late?!) thirties.

That was, mind you, 25 years ago. The late 90s and early 2000s were different. Being gay was still incredibly taboo. People didn't talk about it openly in suburban America. Of course I was, and am gay, but I didn't really know it then. So when my sister spewed that vitriolic "Gaaaay!" or "F**G**!" at me, I was really burned into my mind. I don't think Liz was particularly homophobic as a teenager, she probably didn't care, but what Liz did want to do was hurt me. She delighted in trying to hurt me.

I'd play piano a lot as a kid. I'm sure it was annoying to her. Hell it'd be annoying to anyone in the house. My favorite composer was, and still is Debussy. I remember how she loved to mock me by saying "Debussy was gaaaaay", "Piano is gay". Again, I don't think she cared, she was just trying to get a rise out of me. But that was really mild. That was nothing. When she really showed her true colors was when she'd try to slam the piano keyboard cover down on my fingers. She tried to do that a couple of times until she actually hit my fingers one time (I didn't dodge it fast enough like I had the first few times). It hurt like hell and when I screamed at her she backed down and left. I think the only reason she left was because she was worried she'd get in trouble for actually hurting me. I was fine, the wooden keyboard cover had just bonked my fingers pretty badly, but it was blunt and not so heavy, so by itself it didn't cause any damage. Had she done what she had before, when was slam it closed with her arm, she could have probably broken my fingers.

The little gay boy I was, I loved gardening, and most of all I loved sunflowers. I loved how big almost tropical they seemed, and how massive their flowers were. I wanted nothing more than to grow rows and rows of giant sunflowers as a kid. I tried growing them a lot as a kid. The cool and rainy Seattle climate didn't really do them any favors and usually the slugs would get to them before they could establish. Every now and then though, they'd actually grow. I grew a row of them on the back fence. Some of them actually took off and bloomed. And then, right when they were starting to bloom, someone took scissors to them and cut their heads right off. I was devastated. This sensitive little gay boy cried. My sister blamed the neighbor girl Barbara. I was mad about it but part of me wondered if Barbara actually did it. I hardly knew her, why would she do that on someone else's property?

The next year it happened again. Cut down before I could ever see them bloom. That confirmed it, I knew it wasn't Barbara. It was Liz. Liz just wanted to see me cry again. Again, she just wanted to hurt me. I was angry, but I knew if I let her know it was her, she's react not with guilt, not with remorse, but with rage. I couldn't let her know I was angry, so I buried it, because if I let her know I was angry, she's make my life hell.

I didn't try growing sunflowers again until she moved out, and I never planted them with the same exuberance . After she moved out and before I went to college I was able to enjoy a couple of years of flowering sunflowers.

I understand that as developing children we all have varying levels of empathy and understanding for others. Usually kids are pretty self-centered and lack empathy when really young, and as I understand it, as their brains develop, so does their ability to understand other points of view and empathize for others. Some people never develop this. There's a fair number of people remain devoid of empathy their whole lives. Liz was in her teens when the above mentioned things happened.

I wonder often how much I'm like her. We share most of the same genes I figure. A few years ago she mentioned that her DNA test said she had the "warrior gene". Might I have the same borderline sociopathic tendencies that she does? I have to remind myself that there are lots of things I regret in life, people I have hurt and regret hurting, and mistakes that I wish I could undo. I also have empathy for the pain of other folks. But all the same, I try to keep this in my mind- don't be like her. Don't act like she does.

I own a house with my partner now. I'm trying to figure out a good place to plant some sunflowers next year.

[sohoharlem]

I have to add my two cents to this Ale and Seb talk. Just a little disclaimer, though; this is gonna ruffle some feathers, and I'm not trying to piss anyone off. So; I think the reason why people dislike Ale so much wasn't because of her racism because let's be real; those more... "passionate" fans use it to hate on Sebastian's gfs, and at the same time, they do not defend POC in his fandom. So my opinion is that Alejandra is, for real, the prettiest gf he's ever had. Don't get me wrong, I dislike her for the same reasons that the more reasonable fans do (traveling during the pandemic, being tone deaf, like Anabelle isn't problematic, so I do like her, she's absolutely fine, hope they'll last). Look at Ale's smile, her face, and cheerful personality. People dislike her because Sebastian has never dated someone as pretty and beautiful as her. I'm not a fan of her, but I have eyes. And I know people are gonna be mad at what I just said, and they're gonna say that I'm wrong because they don't wanna admit it to themselves. But let's be real. She's incredibly pretty, and Seb is pretty shallow. So, I'm guesting, out of all girls, he's dates, he was probably the most obsessed with her and I wouldn't be surprised if they got back together when Ale grows up a bit. I still watch her stories sometimes because it's simply nice to look at her face, as weird as that sounds. And Sebastian probably doesn't watch them, or he doesn't even think about her anymore, but idk. He moves on quickly, but I think he still thinks of her as the prettiest one if that makes sense. The one that was beautiful and had a cheerful, fun personality.

Again; I'm not trying to piss anyone off, and I'll be happy to read your responses to this. And I'll be happy to see mod's response, too. Also, sorry for my English, it's not my first language :).

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I’m on the fence, personally. Just because I still vividly remember the distaste the racism, her friend’s behavior like Jon laughing at a plus size girl, and her appropriating and some heavy side eye things that just left a bad taste in people’s mouths. Even the very pro seb blogs that will go lengths to worship him, did not like her. But I do understand you view in that direction as well.