#the same could be said for this semester though lmao

[sibyl-of-space]

As of today I have accomplished two things:

* got straight A's this semester of grad school while taking 17 units, writing 3 pieces for a zine (complete with organizing recording sessions!), and running monthly online art events for a discord server

* beat Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

you may be the judge of which of these two feats is more impressive

[oddinary4bts]

Chasing Cars | ch 10 (jjk)

☆summary: when your brother goes to study on a semester abroad, your life collides with his best friend Jeon Jungkook, who's coincidentally your roommate. Will you survive the collision, or will you crumble into dust?

☆pairings: brother's best friend!Jungkook x younger sister!female reader, Yoongi x Hoseok

☆rating: 18+ (minors DNI, this chapter contains mature content)

☆genre: forbidden love?au, college!au, slice of life!au, smut, angst (as usual a lot of it), fluff

☆warnings: side character breakup, jungkook is still a little jealous lmao, alcohol, curses, they both are anxious to lose each other tbh, explicit content: hickey, breast play, oral sex (male receiving), jerking off, fingering, protected sex

☆word count: 10.1k

☆a/n: fun fact, this is the chapter that made me choose the title for this fic!! and this is also where the angst starts :') I hope you still enjoy reading <3 and thank you to @moonleeai for beta-ing, you're the best <3

☆series masterpost

☆add yourself to the taglist here!

☆☆☆☆☆

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

☆☆☆☆☆

Monday, March 25th 

You hate college. More specifically, you hate having to turn in multiple lab reports every week. There’s just something about building a lab report that irks you.

You don’t know how researchers do it. You think you’d go insane if you had to write report after report after report but…

You’re already going insane after all.

You sigh, rubbing a hand on your forehead as you look at the tables you’ve been trying to make for half an hour. Yoongi, sitting across from you, raises his head from his laptop, an eyebrow cocked. You offer him a tight-lipped smile, going back to your report as he doesn’t pry, focusing back on his own work.

As much as he spoke to you at the party last week, Yoongi has been a lot more silent today. You reckon you might know why - Hoseok said in the group chat that he’d come to study too, and he’s yet to show up. It’s evening now, and you have a feeling he’s just not going to come. 

You don’t know if you can entirely blame him - it’s Spring Break after all, and most people are trying to forget about college for the week. 

But you can’t, because you’ve got that lab report to work on and a final to study for.

You blink a few times, trying to bring your laptop back in focus, and then you go back to work. You spend another thirty minutes fixing the tables, not caring that the titles clearly could be better. Nabi said she’d go over everything you’ve done, and you know she’s much better with titles anyway.

You’re lucky she’s your lab partner. 

“Are you hungry?” Yoongi asks all of a sudden, and you startle, looking up at him.

Right in time, your stomach grumbles, and you let out a small laugh. “Yeah, a little.”

“Want to order burritos?” Yoongi suggests.

You nod enthusiastically, and he chuckles, picking up his phone. The smile that was on his lips dies almost immediately, and he deeply sighs. You furrow your brows questioningly, glancing outside of your study rooms.

Jungkook isn’t working today, yet you find yourself looking for him all the same. 

“What’s wrong?” you ask Yoongi, pushing Jungkook away from your thoughts.

Even though every thought of him makes you warm inside, giddy like a teenager with a crush.

“Hobi,” Yoongi simply replies.

You purse your lips, picking up your water bottle to take a long sip as you search for something to say. You settle on, “You guys talked after the party?”

Yoongi nods. “Yeah.” He pauses, sighing deeply again before handing you his phone. “Just choose which burrito you want.”

You grab his phone, quickly choosing what you want to eat as he remains silent, typing away on his laptop. You’re aware he’s avoiding the question, but you have a feeling he needs to talk. It’s in the way he worries at some dry skin on his bottom lip, an anxious tell you recognize all too well for having it too.

“How did the conversation go?” you ask as he finishes up the order, putting his phone back down on the table.

“It went okay,” he admits, yet he looks defeated. You understand why when he adds, “He told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”

You widen your gaze. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Yoongi laughs bitterly, slightly shaking his head. “I feel blindsided. We were all happy before the party and now…” He shrugs vaguely, letting out a choked sound that almost passes as a chuckle. “It just came out of nowhere.”

“I’m really sorry…”

He shrugs again. “What can you do? I really just jumped in too fast without realizing that he was reluctant. I was stupid.”

“I don’t think you were stupid,” you say, trying to sound reassuring. “You’ve had feelings for him for a long time, and it felt like you were finally getting something in return. Anyone would have been blindsided.”

“I should have known when he insisted we take it slow and not share a room though,” Yoongi insists. “And though the sex was great there was a lot of stuff he was uncomfortable with. Not that I ever did anything without him wanting to do it but…” He wets his lips, glances your way before setting his gaze on his keyboard again. “I was his first guy.”

“Yeah, he told me,” you admit.

Pink dusts Yoongi’s cheeks, and you can tell he’s embarrassed by the turn of the conversation. So this time you don’t pry, letting him figure out what he wants to say next.

“I think he realized that he’s not into guys all that much,” Yoongi eventually says. “Like… he wanted to try it out and turns out it’s not as nice as he thought it’d be kinda thing, you know?”

You nod. “It sucks that it had to be with you though. You didn’t deserve that.”

Another shrug, like it’s all Yoongi knows to do right now. “Yeah, I guess.” He chuckles, a sad sound that makes you want to get up and hug him, though you know Yoongi’s not big on physical touch. “I don’t know if I should be mad or sad,” he admits a few seconds later.

“You’re allowed to be both.” He cocks an eyebrow as if not convinced. “I’m serious,” you insist. “You like him. Obviously, it’s going to hurt if he decides he doesn’t want to be with a guy. And obviously, you’re allowed to be mad too, because to you it can feel like he was leading you on.”

Yoongi meets your gaze. “Have you ever thought about becoming a therapist?”

His statement surprises you, and you laugh, scrunching up your nose. “No?”

“I think you’d be good,” Yoongi says. He sighs deeply again, picking up his phone. “Food’s on its way.”

You’re technically not allowed to eat at the library, so you end up eating on the steps outside when the food arrives, the fresh evening air welcoming after being stuck in a small, stuffy room for a couple of hours. Yoongi keeps pouring his heart out to you all along, as if he’d been holding everything in for too long, and the dam finally burst.

You’re happy to be there for him. Even though most of it is the same thing as at the party last week, you’re happy he’s comfortable enough to confide in you, and you try to cheer him up. 

“If you want,” you say after a time. “I could try to speak to Hobi. See what he really thinks about this all.”

Yoongi holds your gaze for a few seconds before looking away, his eyes shifting to the cloudy sky. “Nah, I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he says. “I’ll just have to move on.”

You don’t know what to say to that, so you just nod. “Your choice. I’ll be here for you.”

He smiles, sighing. “I know. Thank you.”

On that note you return to your study room and to the lab report awaiting you. Yoongi busies himself with his composition as you work, and you finally finish taking care of the text for the results about half an hour later. Nabi said she’d do the discussion, so you send her the link, asking her to tell you if she wants you to fix anything, and then you close your laptop, folding your arms on top of it.

“Done?” Yoongi says, pushing his headset down so that it rests around his neck.

You nod, dropping your face on your arms. “And I’m dead.”

“When do finals start for you?” he asks.

“Next Tuesday,” you admit.

“Isn’t that early?” Yoongi asks, gaze widened in surprise.

It might be. You only have one then though, and you still have two weeks of classes in your other courses before the rest of your finals. You’ll still take it - it means one less final during the true final week.

You tell so to Yoongi, who admits he doesn’t have finals, instead having projects in three classes. It leads to a conversation where you compare biology to his music major, and another fifteen minutes go by in comfortable silence when the conversation dies of its own volition, as you scroll on your phone and Yoongi keeps on working on his music composition.

You startle when someone knocks on the door of the study room. You glance that way, eyes widening when you notice Jungkook on the other side. Yoongi lets out a small laugh at your expense, and you get up, opening the door for Jungkook. 

“What are you doing here?” you ask as he walks in, two coffees in hands. 

“Thought you might need this,” he says, offering you one.

You take it with an eyebrow cocked quizzically, and then you watch him as he drops in one of the empty chairs at the table. He’s got a backpack with him, and he pulls out a laptop and a notebook from it while you and Yoongi are just stunned silent.

“What are you doing?” you ask again as you sit back in your chair. 

“Figured I’d come study here with you guys,” he explains simply.

You glance at Yoongi, who shrugs.

“Oh?” you let out, settling your gaze back on Jungkook.

“Unless you guys don’t want me to?”

Yoongi saves you by replying, “No, you’re all good man. I was leaving anyway.”

He clearly wasn’t, as you’re the one who finished writing your report and he was still in the middle of his composition, yet he still gets up, closing his laptop and putting it in his backpack.

“Text me if there’s anything,” you tell him as he’s sliding one of the straps of his backpack on his shoulder.

His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows, and he nods curtly. “Will do. Thanks for everything.”

You offer him a small smile, and then he’s walking out, not once looking back. 

“Did you really have to come here?” you ask Jungkook, and it sounds far more accusing than you meant it to be.

“What?” he lets out. “Just wanted to see what the hype is all about when it comes to the library.”

You offer him a no-bullshit look. “Were you jealous because I was studying alone with Yoongi?”

Jungkook frowns, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. His lips jut out in the hint of a pout, and something melts inside of you, like it always does when it comes to him.

“He’s the one that left the second I got here,” Jungkook points out.

“Because he’s going through a hard time, dumbass,” you say, punching Jungkook in the shoulder. 

He rubs at the spot, his pout intensifying, if that’s possible. “He still could have stayed, I wouldn’t have minded.”

Jungkook isn’t wrong, and though you really want to be there for Yoongi, you know he’s the kind of person that needs space a lot. Or at least that’s the impression he’s given you in general, and you really hope he didn’t leave because Jungkook showed up.

“I was done though,” you admit, patting your closed laptop. “I was thinking about heading home.”

Jungkook flicks your nose, taking you by surprise, and you sit back in your chair as you shriek. It earns you one of his bunny grins, and you truly are melting like snow in the sun. “Well then you’re going to have to stay with me for a little longer, mmh?”

You tilt your head to the side, though you can’t help the smile that tickles the corners of your lips. “And do what?”

“Study?” he sarcastically lets out. “Do whatever it is that you bio majors do.”

You end up doing so, rereading your notes for your first final. It’s boring, and you don’t think it’s really productive when Jeon Jungkook is sitting next to you, stealing quick glances in your direction. 

You catch him for what feels like the tenth time, and you roll your eyes. “Stop looking at me.”

“Why?”

“Because,” you offer as an explanation. “We should go home.”

He narrows his gaze at you. “Why?”

“People could see us here.” And go and tell Taehyung about it.

“I’ll handle Tae if he gets upset, don’t worry,” Jungkook tries to reassure you, but it does the opposite.

Indeed, a drop of lead forms in your stomach because, what if Taehyung learns?

You don’t want him to know. It’d complicate everything, ruin everything. 

“Besides,” Jungkook adds, “I’ll have to handle him in April anyway.”

You frown, a confused crease streaking across your brow. “Why?”

Jungkook meets your gaze. “I’m going to Paris with Jimin to see your brother at the end of the semester.”

Your heart starts racing in your chest, anxiety flooding your blood. “Oh?”

Jungkook toys with his piercings, scanning your features carefully. “Yeah. It’s been planned for a while.”

“You didn’t tell me.” You’re aware you once again sound accusing, but you can’t help it.

Not when you see the expiration date of your relationship with Jungkook flashing in your mind.

“Sorry,” he apologizes. “I just didn’t think to tell you? I thought I mentioned it when we Facetimed Tae the other day.”

You can’t blame him for not explicitly telling you - the trip has likely been planned for a while, and it’s not like you speak about your brother a lot. Though you mention him once in a while, you’ve both been good at avoiding talking about him. Now that he’s mentioned the Facetime call though, you do recall, and it’s like a hand is squeezing around your heart some more.

“No worries,” you say, and you offer him what you hope is a reassuring smile. “When do you leave?”

“April 29th, I think? I’ll check.”

You nod, and you look away from Jungkook to stare at your laptop instead, though your gaze loses its focus as your brother invades your thoughts. You think about what he’d say - you know he’ll be furious, and he’ll likely kick Jungkook out of your apartment. 

Jungkook will never be able to handle Taehyung. Not when he’s being an overbearing asshole like only he knows to do.

“Peach,” Jungkook says in a small voice that almost sounds whiny. “Why do you look so upset?”

“You can’t handle Tae,” you say. You worry at your bottom lip and then take a deep breath. “It’s really better if he doesn’t know.”

Jungkook remains silent for a few seconds, though he nods his head. “Okay.” He nods again, offering you a tight-lipped smile. “Do you want to head home then?”

“Yeah,” you answer without a beat of silence. “Yeah, I think we should go home.”

Jungkook’s gaze drops to his laptop, and you feel bad. You truly do - he looks defeated, much like Yoongi looked like earlier.

“Can we watch something when we get home though?” you quickly ask.

You can’t help it. You can’t stand the sight of Jungkook upset - it’s just wrong to you.

He immediately brightens, a small curving his lips upwards. “Yeah?” 

You nod. “Yeah, definitely. Should get some cuddles in too.”

His smile widens, and he meets your gaze, the usual mischievous twinkle back in the depths of his eyes. “Sounds like a plan.”

And it really is. You think, you don’t need more with Jungkook. You don’t need the relationship to change, don’t need anyone to know. Because it’s simple right now, and there’s beauty in its simplicity. 

Wednesday, March 27th

“Don’t!” you shriek, but Jungkook ignores you, stealing the TV remote from your hands.

“We’re not watching your reality TV show,” he says as he plops down on the couch into a lying position.

You glare at him, frowning as you fold your arms on your chest. “You like it.”

“Sometimes.” He flashes you a bunny grin that makes you gulp around a sudden lump in your throat. “But right now, I’m in the mood for a movie.”

You look up to the ceiling, searching for salvation yet finding none. “What movie?”

“Just come here,” he says, opening his arms for you.

You can’t resist. His gravity is too strong, and he pulls you in, like he’s the sun and you’re the comet. 

Though you might come from the Kuiper Belt, you know you’re bound to crash into him anyway.

Once you’re nestled in his arms, Jungkook resumes his scrolling on Netflix. 

“What about this?” he asks.

“Extraction?” you say as you eye the movie he stops on. “I’m not in the mood for action.”

“Then a romantic comedy it is.”

You chuckle against him, pecking the mole on his neck. He chooses the movie Always Be My Maybe, and then tightens his grip around you.

“I like that movie,” you say.

“You’ve seen it already?”

You reach for his hand before he’s able to change it. “Yeah, but I don’t mind,” you reassure him. 

He nods, and that’s how you end up watching the movie, slowly dozing off on his chest. You’re in and out of sleep, watching the bright screen whenever you wake up, and when the credits roll in, Jungkook yawns over you.

“Were you sleeping?” you ask, faking offence.

“You were,” Jungkook points out, flicking your nose as you raise your head to look at him. 

You move your face away, resting your head on the couch. “Barely.”

Jungkook cocks an eyebrow, and then you both burst out laughing. 

You like this. You like the intimacy of being with Jungkook in your own home, like that in between these walls you get to call him yours. It’s treacherous, but oh so inebriating, like he’s summer wine you’ve become addicted to.

Instead of watching another movie, Jungkook goes to his room to retrieve his speaker, and he puts a random playlist on while you fetch a rosé bottle from the fridge, where you’ve left it before watching the movie. You’d decided to spend the evening in despite both your friends and his friends asking to hang out, and so you’d gotten a bottle earlier today.

That, and the board game Ticket to Ride, your favourite board game.

“That’s not how it works,” you complain a while later, when you’re one glass in and Jungkook grabs a locomotive and wagon card from the five on the side.

“What?” he lets out.

“If you take a locomotive you can only take one card,” you remind him.

It’s his first time playing, and though the game is fairly simple, you’ve noticed Jungkook has a tendency to try and cheat his way to the win. You’re tempted to let him keep the two cards when he offers you puppy eyes, yet you stand your ground, holding your hand out.

“Give me the wagon back.”

“Take it from me,” he teases, lips stretching in a smirk.

“Oh, you want to play this way?” you reply in the same teasing tone, and Jungkook toys on his piercings.

“Maybe?”

You get up from where you’ve been sitting on the floor, walking to the other side of the coffee table. Jungkook watches you, an apprehensive yet excited look in his eyes, and he laughs the second you drop behind him, hands aiming for his sides.

He leans against you, his large frame almost enough to make you crumple to the floor, and you wrap your arms around him, holding him close.

“Give me the wagon,” you repeat.

“Or what?”

“Or I’m not playing the game anymore.”

He looks over his shoulder at you, a pout on his pink lips. “Okay then, take your wagon back.”

He gives it to you, and you smile victoriously before pecking his cheek. “Thank you.”

You walk back to your side of the table, though you stop halfway, eyes brightening.

“I love this song!” 

Jungkook leans back on his hands, tilting his head to the side as Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol starts playing.

It was your favourite song growing up. You used to listen to a different version of it you’d heard on Grey’s Anatomy, and you’d listen to it whenever you felt sad. Whenever you needed to feel like you weren’t alone in the universe, like someone was waiting for you, somewhere.

And as you look down at Jungkook while the lyrics start, you know someone was waiting all along.

“Sing it for me,” Jungkook says, smiling softly.

You can’t help the blush that creeps on your cheeks. “I don’t know how to sing. But you do!”

He chuckles, yet immediately starts singing as you offer him a hand to pull him up to his feet. He obliges, and he rests his large hands on your waist as you wrap your arms around his neck, holding him close. He sways you to the music as he softly sings, cheeks dusted in pink, and you pull him even closer, resting your head on his chest.

Simple intimacy. That is what you and Jeon Jungkook are made of, and you think, if he’d ask you to lay here, in this moment, you’d lie with him until eternity took you in its hold. Until you’d be nothing more than dust between the stars - remembrance of what was once great. 

But April is looming closer, a giant towering over the both of you, one step away from crushing you under its boot.

“You know,” Jungkook says while the song continues in the background.

“Mmh?” you let out, looking up to meet his gaze.

His eyes are heavy with emotions, and you swim in them, bathe in them. You feel complete, cherished, and you hope he knows you feel the same way.

You hope he knows you’ve been falling in love with him despite the odds.

“I’ve never been like this with anyone before,” he admits, his voice gentle. “I’ve had situationships, I guess, but nothing like us.”

You smile softly, your heart racing in your chest. “Me neither. You’re the first.”

It’s true. Though you’ve sort of dated Sam Hwang for a few weeks during the summer, it was nothing like it is with Jungkook.

Sam Hwang never looked at you the way that Jungkook looks at you.

Jungkook leans forward, resting his forehead against yours as he keeps on swaying you both to the music, the song nearing its last chorus. Your eyes flutter shut from the proximity, and your breaths mingle as you fall silent for a few seconds.

“I love having firsts with you,” he whispers.

You almost reply that you love him. The moment calls for it - the atmosphere is that of romance,  the music is close to your soul, and he… He’s the blood in your veins and the oxygen in your lungs. Yet you can’t say it - you’ve never told anyone you loved them before. And you’re not even sure you truly love him. Yes, you have feelings, but everything is overshadowed by the knowledge that you’re bound to end.

You don’t want to tell him you love him and make it too real only to have him slip from your fingers the second Taehyung learns.

“Me too,” you instead reply. “I love spending time with you.”

It’s as close to the truth as you’ll get, and he allows it, pressing a soft kiss on your lips. It’s slow, patient, like the whole universe will pause for you two. He pulls away when the song ends, bending to grab his phone on the table. 

He restarts the song, and the second his phone is back on the table again, you pull him back in, tiptoeing to kiss him again. He wraps his arm around your waist, holding you tight against him, and you sigh at the pillowy softness of his mouth, at the way his piercings feel just right pressing indents in your lip. His free hand cups your cheek, holding you in place as he deepens the kiss, tilting his head to the side.

His tongue swipes at your bottom lip, almost hesitantly, but you open up for him immediately, tasting the rosé in his mouth as he kisses you deeply, languidly. The kiss never accelerates, yet it’s infinitely passionate.

Much like that first kiss you’d exchange, during the power outage on Valentine’s Day.

You think you knew then - he’d kissed you so softly, like you were fragile, just a flower petal a second from being blown away. Even then, he’d cared for you, and it’d scared you.

But there’s nothing scary about this. There’s nothing scary about the way he gently hikes your shirt up to slide his hand underneath it, his fingers tracing idle patterns on your back, leaving goosebumps in their wake. There’s nothing scary about the way he sighs when you run your hands through his hair, gently tugging at the soft strands. There’s nothing scary about the way he backs you towards the couch, spinning around at the last second so that he can sit down.

There’s nothing scary about him pulling you in, always, so that you straddle his lap, connecting your mouths again a second later. No, it’s only natural. He’s the wind and you the leaves. He’s the sun that shines on you, his moon.

You were always meant to collide after all, and though the aftermath might be terrifying, all you can do right now is enjoy it while it lasts.

Jungkook tentatively grinds up, his arousal evident as he presses against your clothed self. You let out a breathy sound that makes him push his tongue in your mouth, and you suck on it, earning a grunt from him as his hands drop to your hips to drag you on him again. You grab at the hem of his shirt, disconnecting your mouths just long enough to pull the fabric off him, and then you’re kissing him again, crashing your lips on his hard enough that you think you taste blood, though you don’t care.

You just want him. Need him, so viscerally you think you’ll combust.

“Peach,” Jungkook lets out as you move to his neck. 

Unable to resist, you suck a hickey on him, a bright purple mark on the spot where his shoulder connects with his neck. He groans, leaning his head back against the couch to give you better access as you lick at the spot, soothing the sting.

When you straighten, Jungkook meets your gaze, his chest quickly going up and down. You’re just as out of breath as him, and when he reaches for the hem of your shirt, you let him take it off you, leaving you in only your black lace bralette. He looks at your breasts, cupping them in his large hands as he sighs appreciatively.

“Every time it’s like you get more beautiful,” he murmurs, and he looks up at you then, his eyes crinkled at the corners in what you can only call adoration. 

“Kook…”

His hands return to your waist, and he wets his lips, playing with his piercings. You grind against him, and his eyes immediately flutter shut.

“You think we can fuck out here?” you tease, rolling your hips.

“On the couch that your brother bought,” he replies, and there’s something so sinful about the thought that you know you’ll do it.

It’s not like Taehyung is around and will know.

So you bend forward, capturing Jungkook’s mouth in another languid kiss while you unbutton his pants. When the button comes undone, you straighten, standing between his legs so that you can pull the jeans down his legs. You leave the boxers on, eyeing his length as you kneel, hands resting on his thighs.

“Can I suck your dick?” you ask.

He chuckles. “Yes. But please be quick, I want to be buried inside of you.”

You narrow your gaze at him, but let out a laugh despite yourself. 

You focus on his dick again then, on the wet spot at the top where his purple underwear has turned darker. You bend forward, littering small kisses along his shaft, and you tentatively lick at the wet spot, the taste of his precum filling your mouth. And though you’d planned to tease him, to be the brat you know he likes, you give in right away, pulling his boxers down just enough so that you can lick at his slit.

He lets out a breathy sound that has you bite your lip as you look up at him through your lashes. He’s got his head thrown back, eyes closed, and from this angle, all you can see is his sharp jaw.

You pull his boxers down more, and he helps you by raising his ass for a few seconds. His dick springs free, already rock hard, and you immediately grab the base to hold it up as you finish taking off his boxers, letting them tangle around his ankles. You’re quick to lick a long stripe from between his balls up to the tip of his cock, and then you take him in your mouth, hollowing your cheeks around him.

He bucks his hips, fucking up into your mouth, and you moan when he hits the back, your eyes immediately watering. 

He lets you lead after that, hands lost in your hair as you bob your head up and down, working him closer to his high. You love the feel of him in your mouth, love the way he grunts and praises you under his breath, and you think you’d be able to come from just hearing him, pleasuring him. 

It doesn’t get to that though. When Jungkook truly nears his high, he pulls you away from his dick, and you meet his gaze to see his pupils are blown wide, filled with so much lust all you can do is obey when he says, “Go get a condom in my room, mmh?”

You nod, and you get up to walk towards his room, feeling his gaze burning on you as you pass the threshold and head to the night table. You pull a condom out, and you walk back to the living room to find Jungkook jerking himself off, his grip on his dick tight enough you know it has to hurt a little.

“Put it on for me,” he says, and he stops jerking off, holding his dick up for you. 

You sit next to him, pulling the condom out of the tinfoil package, and then you roll it on his dick. He hisses as you do so, but the second it’s on he pushes you back until you’re lying on the couch and he’s hovering over you. 

His hair falls in his eyes, and you quickly push the strands back. He leans in, pressing his lips on yours for a kiss far softer than what you expected, and you smile against him.

He grins when he pulls away, eyes shining with lust and adoration again, and then he’s taking off your pants, taking his sweet time. Kissing every inch of skin revealed, from your inner thigh to a spot below your knee. He stops after that, instead eyeing the wet spot on your underwear, and then he pulls at his piercings, sending you a dark look that makes you go molten.

“I want to fuck you in this,” he says as he finishes taking off your pants, his free hand going to your hip where he traces your underwear. “Want to ruin your panties.”

“Do it,” you challenge him.

He doesn’t need to hear more before he’s returning over you, and his hand pushes your panties to the side so that he can run a finger between your folds, and then circle your clit. You grind your hips, seeking more friction, but Jungkook doesn’t oblige, instead pulling his finger away from your pussy.

“Be patient,” he whispers, and then he kisses you again.

The kiss is feathersoft, gentle, and you lose yourself in the very essence of him. You don’t care - you just want this moment, forever. A scene constantly replaying, away from the atrocity of the world, with your favourite song as the background music.

“Please,” you beg in a soft murmur when he pulls away from your lips, and this time he obliges, returning his hand to your pussy. This time, he pushes in, and you sigh against him as your walls clench around his digit.

“You’re already so wet,” he says, and then he’s kissing you again, his tongue lapping at yours. 

You moan in his mouth, hands lightly scratching his back as he adds a second finger. You can hear squelching sounds between your legs, and you’d be embarrassed if it didn’t feel so good that you can’t form a single coherent thought.

“Fuck,” you curse, and Jungkook chuckles, pecking your cheek.

“You take my fingers so well, peach,” he praises. “Will you take my cock just as well?”

You moan again, and you nod your head yes. “Yeah. Please.”

He smirks, pulling his fingers out of you. You both eye them - they’re covered in your juices, and it’s decadent, sinful.

Even more so when Jungkook puts them in his mouth to clean them thoroughly, drinking in your juices. 

“So sweet,” he whispers after, and then he shifts, straightening between your legs so that he can align his dick with your entrance, your panties still pushed to the side. He meets your gaze, his own dark with lust. “How do you want me tonight?” he asks, rubbing his dick on you slowly.

“Just fuck me, but come near,” you say, pulling on one of his wrists so that he leans over you again. 

He smiles, infinitely soft despite what you’re doing, and then he pushes in, ever so slowly. Inch after inch, Jungkook spears you with his dick until he bottoms out. He stills there, and you wrap your legs around his dainty waist to keep him as close as possible. He obliges, stealing a deep kiss on your lips, and he slowly pulls out before slamming to the hilt again, and you moan in his mouth.

The rhythm he establishes is slow and steady. Deep, in a way that makes you see stars in his gaze. Or maybe that’s just the way the light reflects in his eyes, or the emotions still swirling in the depths of him. You don’t know. All that you know is that you’re falling and falling, with no chance to ever stop now.

You’ve crossed too many lines to ever be able to stop. So you’ll enjoy it while it lasts. Chase all the cars around his head until you can’t anymore, until the last nail is in the coffin and you have to say goodbye to this, to him.

But for now, you enjoy. And you enjoy as best as you can, eyes fluttering shut as he slightly picks up the pace, whispering sweet nothings in your ear. You hold him close, arms and legs tight around him, and you moan as he makes love to you.

At least that’s what this feels like. And you wouldn’t want it any other way. You just want the warm proximity of his body on yours, of his lips kissing your mouth. Jungkook gives you all, and you hope he knows you’re giving all to him in return.

Everything. You’ll give him everything until you have nothing left to give, if he so takes it.

“Fuck, peach,” he whispers. He slows down his rhythm, meets your gaze. “I’m really in love with this pussy of yours.”

You know why he says it that way. Know exactly what he truly means but can’t say, and you take that too, keep it locked up in a safe corner of your heart.

“I know,” you whisper, cupping his cheek, and he rests his forehead on yours again.

“I’ll fuck you like this every day,” he says, and it sounds like a promise.

A promise that maybe you’ll make it past your brother’s return.

“Please do,” you beg, and then you’re kissing again, and he’s pounding into you harder, seeking completion for the both of you.

You come before him. Nails digging in his back while you arch yours, walls pulsing around him. That’s what sends him over the edge, and Jungkook climaxes, his head falling in the crook of your neck as he comes and comes.

He’d paint you white if it wasn’t for the condom, and the thought makes you grind your hips instinctively. He kisses your neck in retaliation, and you moan softly, tilting your head to give him better access.

When you’ve come down from the high, you glance towards the coffee table and your abandoned game of Ticket to Ride. The sight makes you laugh, and you press a soft kiss on the mole on Jungkook’s neck as he asks, “What’s got you laughing?”

“We never finished the game,” you remind him.

He lifts his head just enough to look at the coffee table. “Damn,” he lets out. “I totally forgot about that.”

You can’t blame him. When you’re together, you forget about everything, too - he becomes the center of your universe. And you wouldn’t want it any other way.

“Should we finish it?” you ask.

He meets your gaze, pecks your forehead once. “Shower first?”

You can’t say no to those big doe eyes, so you follow him to the bathroom.

And while he washes your back, you hear the clock ticking, your expiration date looming closer with every second that passes.

Saturday, April 13th

The movie theatre is packed. 

You’re waiting in line for popcorn with Nabi, Namjoon and Ria, while Seokjin, Hoseok and Yoongi go to the bathroom. The hall of the movie theatre is loud, and you’ve been standing in silence with your friends as you wait for your turn, though you’ve been eyeing the menu as you’re trying to decide what to order.

You settle on a medium-sized bag of popcorn to share with Yoongi, and Namjoon and Ria grab different candies and chocolate bars for themselves and your other friends. You’re walking towards your movie room when you notice an all-too recognizable tattooed boy, who stands taller than the group that surrounds him.

His eyes light up when he sees you, and he grins broadly as he waves at you.

Four pairs of eyes turn to look at you - Jimin, Sera, Lisa and Eunwoo - and you smile at them, though your gaze quickly shifts back to Jungkook.

You’d told him you were coming to the movies with your friends before going out for drinks. You’re not surprised he’s decided to pull up - despite everything you’ve told him, he’s jealous of your friendship with Yoongi. Which you reckon is funny - Yoongi is trying to fix things with Hoseok, and all you’ve been doing is offer help to him when he needs it.

You don’t think the relationship is fixable, but you haven’t had the strength to break it to Yoongi yet. Not when they had a moment last week, and he’s been far too happy about it since then.

You walk over to where Jungkook’s standing, your friends in tow. It’s hard to stop yourself from hugging him, but you manage to do it, instead greeting everyone and smiling at Jimin as he asks what movie you’re going to see.  

“Dune 2,” you reply. 

Jimin snorts, saying, “Thought so.”

It sounds ominous, and you slightly furrow your brows, glancing towards Jungkook. He only shrugs his shoulders as he purses his lips.

And that’s how you end up mixing friend groups for the movie. You’re not surprised when Jungkook manages to sit on your left - he’s clearly been scheming for this all along. Yoongi, entirely oblivious, sits on your right.

“I haven’t even seen the first movie,” Yoongi says as he leans towards you. He quickly glances further down the row, where Hoseok sat with Namjoon and Nabi.

Jungkook mirrors Yoongi, and he’s so close you catch a whiff of the detergent he uses to wash his clothes. “It was practically a walking simulator in the desert. Not much to miss.”

Yoongi nods, sitting back in his seat. He offers you a knowing look, and then turns towards Seokjin and Ria on his other side, joining whatever conversation they’re having. You purse your lips, before sliding your gaze back to Jungkook.

“What are you doing here?” you ask through gritted teeth.

“My friends wanted to see the movie,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “Thought we could go at the same time.”

You look up to the ceiling, though a smile is playing at the corners of your lips. “What a coincidence.”

He grins. “What a coincidence indeed.”

It makes you chuckle, and before you can say anything else, the light of the movie theatre dims, leaving you in only the glow of the screen as it comes to life.

You eat your popcorn as many movie trailers pass on the screen, Yoongi taking some once in a while. The movie starts when you’re halfway done with the bag, and soon you’re lost in the scenes, too focused to eat.

That’s when Jungkook strikes, stealing a handful of popcorn from your bag.

“Hey!” you whisper-shout, and he winks at you as he eats a mouthful of the snack. 

“What?” he whispers back once he’s swallowed.

“That’s mine.”

He flicks your nose, leaning closer to say directly in your ear, “What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is yours, peach.”

You narrow your gaze. “You haven’t even bought any snacks.”

He shrugs. “I knew I’d steal yours.”

You roll your eyes, slightly shaking your head as you look back towards the screen, and he chuckles softly. Scenes flash in front of your eyes, and you get lost in the action. It might be an hour later, or just a few minutes, when Jungkook pokes your knee, attracting your attention.

You glance at him, but he’s focusing on the screen, his skin looking honey-like in the light. You furrow your brows in question, but when he doesn’t say anything, you shrug, looking back at the screen.

He does it again thirty seconds later, and this time he’s stifling a laugh when you glance at him.

“What do you want?” you whisper as you lean closer to him.

“You,” he replies simply, his eyes darkening as he meets your gaze.

You gulp. “We’re in the middle of a movie theatre with all of our friends.”

“I know,” he says, shrugging. “I’ve just been thinking of how you feel around my…”

You punch his shoulder before he can finish his sentence, and Lisa throws you a look that makes you sit back in your seat, folding your arms on your chest.

“Just focus on the movie, Kook,” you mumble.

He chuckles again, but before he can say anything else, Lisa nudges him. He glances at her, leaning closer when she whispers something you can’t quite hear. 

His whole demeanour changes after that, and he sits back in his chair, a slight pout on his lips. Gone is the playfulness, but you think it’s safer that way. He’s way too obvious when you’re in public, and though Taehyung still hasn’t said a thing, you know it’s bound to explode in your face soon.

Jungkook is leaving for Paris in just a few weeks after all. 

It douses you, and you finish watching the movie with a lump in your throat, one that doesn’t disappear even when you’re at the bar later, your friend group mixing with Jungkook’s far too easily. Of course, Jungkook notices, and he sits next to you, nudging you.

You glance at him, noticing the concern in his eyes.

“Is something wrong?” he asks.

“No,” you lie, but he sees through it immediately.

“Is it your cramps?”

You’re on your period. Obviously, he knows, and he’s been sweet about it, buying you snacks and putting his hands, always warm, on your lower stomach while you cuddle. 

You purse your lips, shaking your head. The concern doesn’t disappear from his features though, and you feel bad. Enough so that you say, “I’m just…”

You trail off as Lisa appears, sitting on the other side of Jungkook with two beers in hand. She gives one to Jungkook, who thanks her quickly before setting his gaze on you again. Yet she lingers, and you find yourself unable to speak, shrugging your shoulders.

“If there’s anything, just let me know,” Jungkook says, and he offers you a small smile that does nothing to tame the worry in his gaze. “I don’t mind heading home earlier.”

You nod once, and the conversation dies as Hoseok appears on the other side of the table, cheeks red with the shots he’s already downed.

“Not drinking tonight?” he asks you.

You shrug. “Not really in the mood.”

Hoseok narrows his gaze in his suspicion. “I’ve never seen you not in the mood to drink.”

You chuckle. “Well, now you have.”

You’re relieved when he lets it go, especially as you sensed Jungkook tensing by your side, an indication that he was going to intervene if Hoseok didn’t drop it. There’s a short silence, during which you notice Hoseok looking at Yoongi where he’s drinking with Namjoon and Seokjin, a few tables over.

You glance at Jungkook, motioning towards Hoseok. Jungkook frowns, not understanding, and you quickly pull out your phone to text him.

[10:37 pm] You: i want to talk to hobi about yoongi but not in front of you guys

Jungkook pulls out his phone to read your message. He doesn’t reply, yet he nods, turning towards Lisa. “Where are Sera and Jimin?”

“Ordering something at the bar,” Lisa replies, entirely unaware. “Why?”

“Want shots?”

Lisa beams under Jungkook’s gaze, and you taste bile in your mouth as they get up and walk away together, Jungkook shooting you a quick glance over his shoulder.

You can complain all you want about Jungkook being jealous of Yoongi, but you’re just as jealous of Lisa after all.

“What’s up with you and Yoongi?” you ask when they’re out of earshot, gaining Hoseok’s attention.

“Man…” he trails off. “I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel.”

“Is that why you’ve decided to switch universities?” 

You’ve been asking yourself that question for weeks, but Hoseok has been good at avoiding you, clearly realizing that you’ve grown closer to Yoongi.

Hoseok widens his gaze, and the blush on his cheeks deepens. “No? I said it’s because I’m following a professor.”

“What professor?” you ask, cocking an eyebrow.

Hoseok shrugs, his eyes dropping to a knot in the wood of the table. “Why do you care?”

“You’re my friend,” you remind him. “No matter the history that we have. I’d be sad to see you go.”

He chuckles, and it’s a lot more bitter than you ever expected to hear him. “Listen, I don’t really want to be questioned. Is Yoongi the one that asked you to ask me this?”

“No,” you say. “Not at all. I’m just worried about you.”

“About me?” he repeats. “I’m all good, Y/n.”

He doesn’t sound convincing at all, so you say, “Just make sure you don’t do something you’ll regret.”

“I already did,” he admits, and his glance towards Yoongi is far too telling. “I’m not into him like that. I don’t even know if I’m into men like that.”

“Have you told him?” 

He shrugs. “Here and there. I think he knows.”

You think so too, as Yoongi had mentioned it when you’d studied together a few weeks ago. 

“Just make sure you’re honest with him, and honest with yourself,” you say after a few beats of silence.

Hoseok purses his lips, nodding once. “Will do.”

The air turns awkward as Hoseok just keeps on staring at the knot in the wood. You feel bad - you used to be a lot closer to him, and in just a few weeks, your relationship shifted. But you think it might be for the better - you can’t imagine how Jungkook would feel if you were close to someone you used to sleep with, considering he’s jealous of a friend you’ve never done anything with.

Not that that would stop you from being friends with someone. Especially not when April 29th is coming soon, and with it, your situationship - you’re not sure you can call it a relationship - will end. 

“Where are you moving?” you ask.

“San Diego,” he replies quickly, and a shy smile appears on his lips, like the thought excites him. “I can’t wait to not have to deal with winter anymore.”

“I can imagine,” you say, chuckling. “Though winter wasn’t too bad this year.”

“If there was an inch of snow then it was bad.” He says it wisely, and this time you laugh as he breaks into a smile.

The conversation is easier after that. Still heavy, because you both know the friendship likely won’t survive the distance, but you still manage to have fun as you speak about classes, about life, and about what he’ll do once he’s in California. Half an hour passes like that, and then you move to the bar, agreeing to grab a single drink.

You settle on an Amaretto Sour, and Ria and Nabi join you at the bar. You end up doing Lychee bombs with them, and then you follow them all back to the table where the rest of your friends are, along with Jimin, Sera and Jungkook.

You’re relieved to see Lisa isn’t there. Not that she’s not nice. She always is, despite her obvious attraction towards Jungkook. And though she clearly senses that something’s happening between you and Jungkook, she’s never said anything, and you respect her for it.

You sit between Nabi and Ria, and Nabi quickly melts against Namjoon next to her. You snort at the sight, turning to say it to Ria, who seems to be in a staring contest with Seokjin across the table.

You don’t really know what’s happening between the two. Ria mentioned that she’s not interested in him, saying he’s just gotten out of a relatively long relationship, and you’re not close enough to Seokjin to know his opinion.

You’re just observant, and you know just how much the air fills with electricity when these two are concerned. Lightning is bound to strike at some point, and you just hope it does so without hurting anyone.

You wonder, is that how the people around you perceive you and Jungkook?

The evening unfolds, calmer than your usual outings - you find yourself going home just a little after midnight. Jungkook’s with you, and he unlocks the door as you slowly walk up the stairs, shooting you a glance.

“You sure everything’s okay?” he asks as you finally reach the top.

You purse your lips, meeting his gaze. The streetlight down the stairs reflects in his gaze, and he looks angelic, innocent like this.

“Yeah, I’m just…” you trail off. “You’re leaving soon.”

His features soften, and he opens the door for you to walk in, following behind you. “I know,” he says once he’s shut the door.

You turn the lights on, meeting his gaze. Unable to help yourself, you cup his cheek, thumb swiping at his skin. “Want to share a bed tonight?” you ask.

As if you haven’t been sharing a bed for weeks already.

“Yes, of course,” he immediately agrees, and he covers your hand with his own, tugging you closer. “If you kiss me first.”

That makes you smile, like only he knows to do, and you tiptoe, pressing your lips on his in a featherlike peck.

“That doesn’t count,” he complains, lips jutting out in a small pout.

“Then kiss me,” you challenge. “Kiss me stupid.”

You don’t need to ask twice - he closes the distance between your mouths, lips ravaging yours, and you lose your hands in his hair.

Later, after you’ve sucked his dick in the shower - you don’t like having sex on your period, but you still wanted to make him feel good - you lie down in your bed, the fairy lights making the atmosphere far gentler than it should be.

It’s treacherous, and you lie with your head on Jungkook’s chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. Chasing Cars is playing on his speaker, and you hold him tighter, putting all of your love in the act. He kisses the top of your head, mouth lingering against you.

“I’m happy you came tonight,” you admit. Indeed, despite the anxiety of Taehyung learning, you like hanging out with Jungkook. Like spending as much time as possible with him right now - the clock is ticking after all, and the sound resembles that of a bomb about to go off.

“Me too,” he whispers. 

You lift your head, meeting his gaze. “Have you talked to Taehyung recently?” 

The question takes him aback, and his eyebrows knit together. “I speak to him almost every day, why?”

Because you’ve been avoiding your brother like the plague. Because you know the second you speak to Taehyung, you’ll blurt out the truth, and you’re not ready to face his reaction yet.

You doubt you’ll ever be ready.

“How is he and the girl doing?” you ask. “Ariane?”

“Good,” Jungkook answers. “They’re pretty much official now.”

Your lips stretch in a thin line, and you rest your head on his chest again. 

You don’t want him to see the jealousy in your gaze.

“Good for him.” It sounds just as flat as you feel - like a tire pierced with a nail, emptied of all air.

Jungkook must feel it too, because his grip around you tightens, like he’s trying to fuse your bodies together. As if it’d save you from the looming heartbreak.

“We’ll figure it out,” Jungkook whispers a while later, when you thought he was asleep. 

You hope he doesn’t take your silence personal - you just don’t think you can figure it out.

Taehyung would never let it happen. So silence is what you offer Jungkook, and you wonder if the beat his heart skips is an indication that he’s breaking, much like you are breaking too.

Sunday, April 28th 

Time goes by fast. Sometimes, you think it’s even faster when you’re trying to hold on to something - like sand slipping through the fingers of a fist held tight, time has been slipping away.

The end is near. 

You’re sitting on Jungkook’s bed, watching him as he packs his suitcase. He’s been lazy, stopping often so that he can kiss you, hold you. He’s been clingy lately, much like you’ve been.

Like you’ve been trying to fit a whole relationship in just a few weeks. 

Jungkook lifts his head from his sock drawer, meeting your gaze. He smiles, but there’s sadness behind his pupils, lurking in the depths of his eyes. You want to take it away, but all you manage to do is smile a weak smile.

“I wonder if they’ll want to go to the Catacombs,” Jungkook says.

He’s been saying random stuff once in a while as he packs, grasping for a conversation you haven’t been able to join in. But you try, you always try, and you know he’s not mad at you for it.

Jungkook could never be mad at you. 

It’s strange how he changed in the last four months. You think back on the Incident, that dreaded Incident you had believed to be the most embarrassing thing in your life. Today, you know it wasn’t. It was the start of something great, something you wish never had an expiration date.

But nothing gold can stay, or so they say.

“I bet they’re creepy,” you answer. “Not sure I’d go if I were you.”

“I assume you’re the kind of person who gets scared while watching horror movies too, huh?” Jungkook teases, and he walks towards you, hands full of socks.

He drops them in the suitcase at your feet as you slightly shake your head, a teasing smirk growing on your lips. You doubt it meets your eyes, but it’s the best you can do.

“Says you, who prefers watching romance over action,” you tease.

Indeed, the first few times you’ve watched movies together, he’s suggested going for action first. But he never once appeared disappointed when you chose a romance movie, instead beaming at you as he nodded enthusiastically. It was adorable, endearing, like everything is when it comes to Jungkook.

You can hardly believe he used to sleep around, used to be the most renowned fuckboy in your college. Nowadays, Jungkook appears more like a hopeless romantic, and it’s easy to figure out why.

As someone who never received love from his family, he’s been craving it his whole life. At least you think so, and you’ve been giving it to him, pouring it to him, by actions rather than words.

“Nothing beats romance,” he declares, and you chuckle as he plops down on the bed next to you.

You turn your head towards him as he lies down, one hand on his chest.

“Is that why you cry in every movie?”

He frowns, a pout adorning his lips. “I don’t.”

You cock an eyebrow, because obviously he does, and you both burst out laughing at the same time. 

No matter how dreaded the circumstances are, the chemistry between you and Jeon Jungkook is undeniable. And as you look at him, you wonder if there’s a universe out there where you’re allowed to be with him. Where older brothers aren’t a thing, and where you get to call him yours, to scream it from the rooftops.

It douses your enthusiasm, and your smile falls as you look away. 

Jungkook sits up, cupping your cheek to force you to look at him again. He scans your features for a few seconds, and you stare at his eyebrow piercing, as if that will keep you from crumbling.

“You know…” he lets out. He sucks on his lower lip piercings, pulling at them so hard you think it has to hurt. “I’ve been thinking.”

“Yeah?”

He nods. “I really want to make us work.”

His simple sentence empties everything in your head, in your soul, until there’s just him left. 

“But how?”

“I’ll speak to Taehyung,” he says, for what has to be the thousandth time. Indeed, you’ve had that conversation before, but you never once agreed. “I’ll speak to him in Paris, and then when I come back this doesn’t have to be over.”

“This?” you repeat.

“Us.”

You sigh, and you look between his eyes. Hope lights his gaze, and you think there has to be a museum out there to exhibit such beauty. 

Jungkook is breathtaking in every way that matters.

“Tae will kill you,” you say, and the hope slowly withers like flowers in the fall. “Try to have a nice trip instead.”

“Then we can talk to him when I come back,” Jungkook suggests. “Together. I can use you as a human shield if he tries to kill me.”

You snort, and the hope reignites in his gaze. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“Then he’ll be mad,” Jungkook simply states. “I don’t want to lose you, peach.”

Fuck. You’re in love, and you’re in love deep.

“You might lose his friendship,” you say, but your resolve is melting away far quicker than you expected. Because he’s offering you a silver lining, a life vest in the storm that’s been raging inside your head for weeks.

“I honestly don’t care,” Jungkook says, but you see it in his eyes: he cares, and he’d be hurt. “I’m sure he’ll get over it.”

You highly doubt so but… what if he does? What if he forgives Jungkook, forgives you?

Then you wouldn’t need to travel to another universe. You’d have this one, and you’d have Jungkook.

Maybe you should try.

“Are you sure?” you ask, voice smaller than the atoms holding your body together.

He nods vehemently. “I am. 100%. I don’t want to lose you when we’ve barely just started.”

“Kook…”

He kisses you then, as if he needs to show you with action instead of words. You end up tangled in his bed, your bodies connected on a level deeper than the physical, yet you wouldn’t dare say it. And he doesn’t either, not even when you inevitably go to bed later that evening. 

You’re nestled in his embrace, a few minutes after he’s turned his LED lights off, when you say, “Kook?”

“Mmh?”

“Don’t talk to Tae in Paris,” you say. “We’ll wait for you to come back. And we’ll talk to him together.”

“Okay,” he whispers. “Okay. If that’s your wish, then I can do it.” He’d said so earlier after all.

You nod. “I think it’s better if it comes from us both instead of just you.”

“Makes sense.” Jungkook kisses your forehead, and a soft smile spreads on your lips. “And peach?”

“Yeah?” you murmur.

“If you miss me too much, feel free to sleep in my bed and wear my clothes, okay?”

“Okay.”

He kisses your forehead again, and despite the words exchanged, you fear it might mean goodbye.

Prev | Chapter 10.5 | Next

☆☆☆☆☆

no but why did I forget how sad this chapter was? Help, they are so afraid to lose each other :') anywayyys what did you guys think about this chapter? Did you like it?? Please let me know:)

All rights reserved to @/oddinary4bts, 2024. Do not copy, repost or translate.

[yamigooops]

good luck charm

synopsis: when you decide to get a little cheeky and put on a cute cowboy’s hat you get a lot more than you bargained for

warnings: strangers to lovers, slight size kink, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex, Katsuki’s a playful bastard (if there are any I’m missing let me know lmao)

length: 9.7k

inspired by an ask submitted to @kingkatsuki by @thecowboykatsuki-anon and featuring art based on the same idea by @jozstanko-art​ we’re all just whipped by this fucker and want to put his hat on and have him fuck us silly

Rodeos weren’t particularly your thing, considering you had grown up in the suburbs your entire life. College had introduced you to people who had grown up with lifestyles contrary to your own, including your best friend Mina, who had grown up in a small rural town. Where she had grown up everyone knew each other, and things like farms and town fairs and rodeos were commonplace among the population.

So, when she invited you to one of said rodeos after your junior year had ended you were intrigued enough to oblige. She had told you about them for the past three years, and you were somewhat curious after all the hype she had placed on them. So about two weeks after the semester ended you found yourself in her hometown. It was a small town, with a main street that consisted of about three blocks of bars and independent shops that provided everything from boutiques to ice cream parlors.

As the day approached dusk on your summer vacation you found yourself at the main fairgrounds for the (apparently monthly) rodeo and trying not to entirely mentally check out. You genuinely had no idea what was going on, despite the fact that Mina had spent the hour and a half drive from your university apartment to her childhood home explaining everything that happened at a rodeo. All you could grasp was that there were three events and which ones her friends competed in. One competed in two, while another competed in the other.

The third friend competed in all three events and was recognized area-wide as exemplary in all of them, and by the way Mina described this man he was incredibly attractive. So, you spent your free time on the drive imagining how this man looked. You only knew he had blonde, spiky hair, red eyes, and a near permanent scowl. However, considering he participated in all three of these events you had to assume he was in peak physical condition. Something about Mina’s description of him made your stomach flutter.

As she pulled into the parking lot of the arena you realized just how popular this event was. It seemed as though every person in town was here, and the parking had spilled over from the actual lot onto the field surrounding it. Once you had parked in the closest possible spot, you and Mina made your way over to the competitors’ area.

Since she knew so many of the participants the two of you were permitted past the gate reading “Competitors and staff only.” She led you through a light crowd of men and women, many of whom were decked out in full cowboy regalia. There was also the occasional horse, bull, or steer being led to their pens to await their turn on the arena floor.

Coming to a pair of young men, Mina bounced on the balls of her feet and tapped a red-haired man on the shoulder. He turned around questioningly before lighting up at the sight of your best friend.

“Well look who finally made it,” boomed the man. He towered over you, absolutely built but attractive in a big puppy kind of way. His smile was infectious, and as he pulled Mina into a bear hug, you found yourself smiling as well.

“Eiji, I missed you so much!” Mina practically jumped onto her friend, her arms clinging around his neck. So, this must have been Kirishima. Now that you heard his name you could recall several stories Mina had shared with you about the red-haired giant. She had also shared with you, in confidence of course, that she’d had the biggest crush on him since middle school, but never worked up the courage to ask him out.

“Missed you too,” he murmured, his face buried in her neck. If you didn’t know any better, it would have looked like the two were already dating. The thought had you chuckling, as it was quite obvious that Kirishima felt the same way about Mina. You supposed it was probably easier to see as an outsider.

“God, get a room, will ya?” came a gruff voice from behind the pair. You shifted your attention from the closeted lovers before you to the man standing just behind them. Sure enough, based on Mina’s description of him, you assumed it was Bakugou Katsuki. Only he was so much more attractive than you had expected. His garnet eyes were piercing as they moved from Kirishima and Mina over to rest on you, and you found yourself blushing and looking away under his intense gaze. “And who are you?”

“Oh, guys this is my best friend and roommate Y/N,” Mina supplied, releasing Kirishima from the chokehold she had him in and moving back to your side to prompt you forward. “She finally agreed to come see you guys compete!”

“Wow, that’s awesome. Thank you so much, and it’s nice to meet ya,” grinned Kirishima as he held out his hand to shake yours. He was the picture of gentlemanly perfection, and you found yourself instantly drawn toward him.

“Absolutely, I figured I should come see what all the hype is after this one talked it up so much for three years,” you chuckled and gestured toward your pink-haired friend. “She talks about you guys all the time.”

“Better be good things,” grumbled Bakugou, crossing his arms over his chest. The action had his black, green and red plaid shirt pulling tight over his biceps and chest, drawing your attention to the rest of his physique. His thighs were massive, though you supposed that was from years of training to ride bucking animals. His leather chaps had imagery of explosions down the sides, and flared out at the ends along with his dark jeans to accommodate his leather cowboy boots. Atop his head sat a well-loved black cowboy hat, beneath which his spikes of ash blonde hair peeked.

“Oh, only the best. I hear that you guys are some of the best riders around,” you nodded. His slight scowl didn’t budge, and in that moment, you decided you’d make it your goal to get him to smile by the end of the night.

“Aww, thank you Mina,” Kirishima crooned, throwing his arm around the smaller girl.

“Of course, I’d say good things, ya doofus. You guys are my best friends.” Mina’s cheeks were darkening from the proximity to the “love of her life,” as she had put it so many times. 

You chuckled, watching as the childhood friends caught up with one another. There were two more that joined, named Sero and Denki, and as the conversation continued and the crowd shifted, you found yourself shoulder-to-shoulder with Bakugou after a while. You chimed in every once in a while, but mainly let Mina catch up with her friends. Bakugou seemed to have a similar approach to the conversation, watching as Mina and Kirishima cluelessly flirted and teased one another. 

“Are they always this oblivious?” You kept your words quiet as you directed them toward the blonde beside you.

“Those two have been doing this shit for years,” he sighed. “We keep tryin’ to get em together, tell them that they’re into each other, but they’re about as dense as two blocks of concrete.”

You snorted, “Must be exhausting having to watch that for so many years.”

“You ain’t got a clue.” He let out a puff of air through his nose, and when you peeked up at him through your lashes, you realized it was a chuckle. There was a shadow of a smile on his lips, and you felt your chest glow with pride at having gotten even that out of the stoic man.

“You should smile more,” you said teasingly, bumping your shoulder against his, though it was admittedly more against his bicep than anything.

“That a command, little missy?” He turned those burning eyes on you once again, and you felt something tighten deep within you. Feeling a surge of confidence roll through you as you captured his attention, you reached up and plucked his hat off his head before plopping it down on your own. It was warm and smelled like his shampoo, something deep and spicy. His lips slowly slid into a sly grin as you tilted your head back slightly more than before to be able to see him under the brim of it.

“I think it suits you,” you shrugged, grinning playfully up at him. “Makes you look a little less bullish.”

As you held his gaze for a few more moments, you slowly registered that the conversation around you had quieted. Breaking away from the intensifying exchange, you found the rest of the group skeptically watching your exchange.

“What is it?” You asked Mina worriedly, hoping you hadn’t done anything wrong.

“N-Nothing, it’s just that Kats is kinda protective of that hat,” Kirishima supplied after a moment of hesitant silence from Mina. “Doesn’t usually let people wear it. Says it’s lucky or somethin’.”

So, you had messed up.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry! Here you-” You scrambled to take off the hat and hand it back to the man beside you. However, before you could put it back on his head, he grabbed your wrist and held it, drawing your slightly panicked attention.

“No worries,” he drawled, that sly smile still gracing his lips. “You should wear it during my ride. Wouldn’t want to get it dirty, right?”

“Kats, man,” Kirishima started, a cautious tone to his voice.

“I couldn’t, not if it’s lucky… I thought this competition decided if you went to that big championship or whatever,” your voice trailed off as he eased the hat from your fingers, holding it by the top as he slowly placed it back on your head.

“Then you be my good luck charm, ‘kay?” His hand still gripped your wrist, his skin hot and calloused but his hold gentle and strangely… loving?

“Dude, he never even lets us touch that thing, much less wear it,” whispered Denki to Sero off to the side. That tightening in your core grew as you could only nod.

“O-Okay,” you breathed, knowing you probably looked like a deer in headlights right in that moment. He let the hat go with a gentle shake to your head before releasing your wrist as well.

A tense moment of silence passed before a booming voice cut through and announced that the events would be starting soon and that competitors should head to their places. Blinking a few times to try and focus on anything but the blonde cowboy before you, Mina took your hand and told the others to do their best and approximately where the two of you would be sitting. You dazedly wished them all luck before following closely behind Mina to your seats

As the events began, you couldn’t get that moment out of your head. It didn’t help that the outcome of it was literally sitting on top of it the entire time in the form of a black cowboy hat, but when Katsuki came on for the first event you knew you were doomed. He was spectacular. The horse bucked and jumped beneath him, trying its best to eject him from his seat on its bare back. But he held strong, one hand tethering him to the animal while the other waved through the air as he moved back and forth atop the animal.

He lasted the necessary 8 seconds, along with 3 more before the animal was finally subdued by both the team of handlers and Katsuki himself. As he took in the raging crowd, waving out at the people chanting his name and cheering him on, he eventually found you, probably thanks to his hat perched proudly atop your head. You stood there cheering for him, but the heat and weight of his gaze was palpable even though you were across the arena from him.

As the next contestant moved into place, you turned to Mina with a sigh. “Alright, what gives? What’s the deal with the hat?”

Mina glanced at you hesitantly, as if she didn’t want to scare you. “Uh, it’s just a thing we say around here that you probably never knew about. It’s nothing, don’t even worry about it.”

“Well, it’s too late for that,” you groaned over the crowd. “You guys all looked at me like I made some fatal mistake when I put the hat on. Then he put it back on and everyone got all weird. So, what does it mean?”

Mina threw her head back and sighed dramatically, “Fine,” she relented. “There’s a saying that if you put the hat on you get the cowboy. That’s why we all got weird. But you obviously didn’t know about that so you don’t have to worry. Bakugou is respectful, he was probably just taken off guard, that’s all.” Mina grabbed your hand, recapturing your attention which had strayed off as you realized what you’d done. “Seriously, Y/N. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I’ll beat him up myself if he tries anything, got it? Kiri will too.”

You nodded hollowly, trying to comprehend what was happening. You get the cowboy too? Does that mean romantically? Sexually?? Sure, Katsuki was attractive as hell, and you’d been flirting when you put his hat on in the first place anyway. But would he even be interested in you that way? And besides, you’d only just met!

But as the competitions continued, the possibility of getting with Katsuki grew more and more appealing. As you watched him in the steer wrestling event you were made aware of how powerful and fast he was. As he took down the animal in just over 3 seconds, you found yourself squirming in your seat.

Then, later, during the bull riding, he impressed you even further as he held onto the enraged creature. You held your breath the entire time, hoping against hope that nothing bad would happen to him, and couldn’t hold back your sigh of relief as he made it through the event almost completely unscathed. He had only fallen on the ground after the time limit had elapsed, and for a split second you feared the animal would try to trample him. But the team of handlers quickly calmed the bull, and Bakugou made his way over to it to pat it on the head with the brightest grin on his face before they returned to the pen it came from.

It turned out he had done incredibly well in all three events, and would be moving on to the state competition taking place in two weeks’ time along with Kirishima. As you and Mina made your way back down to meet up with them after the events had concluded, you chuckled as your friend made a beeline toward the red-haired giant. This time she really did jump into his arms, congratulating him profusely as he thanked her over and over.

As those two were distracted by one another, Bakugou slowly made his way over to you. That tightness returned to your stomach, and you plastered a weak smile on your face as he stopped before you. Unable to meet his eyes, you looked down at your feet as you congratulated him.

“You were amazing out there.” You tried to raise your voice enough to be heard above the surrounding din. “Congratulations on moving on.”

Two fingers slipped beneath the brim of his hat and tugged it upward, removing the shield between the two of you as he eased it off your head. “What was that? Couldn’t quite hear ya under there.”

You met his gaze as you felt your face heat up. “I said congratulations on moving to the next round,” you huffed. He had probably heard you, but wanted to fluster you.

“Guess you really were a good luck charm, huh?”

“I know what the hat thing means,” you rolled your eyes. “Besides, it had nothing to do with luck. You obviously know what you’re doing out there.”

He let out a bark of a laugh, reaching up to place his hat back on his head. “I beg to differ,” he grinned. “Seein’ you out there in the crowd, wearing this thing, that had everything to do with why I did so well.”

You didn’t know what to say to that. You’d only met this man a few hours ago, but your attraction toward him was already so strong. Was it his looks? His personality? That damned superiority complex? Or was it something else?

“And if you’re so in the know about what wearin’ my hat means, what are you gonna do about it?” He was closer now, his voice lower and the intensity of his gaze heavier. You could feel his breath on your now-exposed face, and had to fight the urge to look away as he tilted his head slightly to the left.

“Not sure yet,” you shrugged, trying with every fiber of your being to stay calm, to sound nonchalant. Inside, however, that desire for him was burning hotter than ever, that tightness in your core growing toward an unbearable pressure. “What should I do?”

He smiled again at that. “You should let me treat ya to a drink and let me get to know ya better.” His proposal was so smooth it had you floundering for purchase as he reached up to tweak your chin between his thumb and the side of his forefinger.

This is really happening, you said to yourself. This god of a man was really asking you out for a drink, and you would be an idiot to decline, especially with that pool of need growing in your stomach.

“Sounds like a plan, cowboy,” you shrugged before reaching up. “I get to wear this though,” you smirked and lifted the hat from his head once more.

“By all means, be my guest.” He seemed to want to devour you as you placed the item on your head again, and that made your inner goddess preen with delight.

“Hey, Mina,” you called, looking over to your friend where she stood chatting with Kirishima. She looked over toward you before an expression of surprise crossed her features at the sight of you and Bakugou. “We’re going out for a drink, that okay?”

She slowly developed a wicked grin as she realized what was happening before she nodded. “Absolutely, have so much fun.”

“Thanks, I will,” you nodded. Bakugou slid his hand into yours and started leading you out of the venue, but not before Kirishima called out after you.

“For the love of god, use protection!”

Your face exploded into flames at his shouted words, as they brought numerous people's attention toward you. It didn’t help that everyone seemed to know that the hat you wore belonged to the man beside you. So, in an attempt to escape their prying eyes, you turned down your head and tried to hide behind the brim of his hat.

“Hey, don’t do that,” Bakugou chided as you neared the exit. “I want ‘em to see how pretty you look in my hat.”

“You’re not helping,” you hissed, wishing people would stop whispering about how they’d never seen you around and how surprised they were to see someone wearing Bakugou’s hat.

He simply chuckled beside you as he led you toward his pickup truck. It was ginormous, and he had to help you up into the passenger’s seat. But once inside and when he had turned the air on, you found it was far comfier than your own car. It looked well-maintained and the interior was surprisingly clean, considering he was a farm hand.

“You really do look good in it,” he remarked as he pulled out of the parking lot. “But please don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do, alright?” Though his voice was still gruff like it always was, it had a sincere softness to it that had you looking up at him instead of down at your hands. He glanced over at you as he stopped at a red light.

“Okay,” you nodded, and smiled as he reached over to flick the brim.

“I got it when I was twelve,” he stated after a few moments of silence. “Was a present from my ma. It’s by the same maker as the hat my idol wears.”

“And who’s that?” You asked the question even though you knew the name would likely hold no significance to you. It just made you happy to hear him opening up to you.

“Toshinori Yagi. People called him All Might because of how good he was. The guy’s a rodeo legend. Set the world record for most time on bull-back, and the fastest steer takedown. It’s my goal to break those someday.” He looked out on the road ahead of him with a faraway look in his eyes. There was a wistfulness to his voice as well, and you knew that this hat really did mean the world to him.

“I think you can do it,” you said softly, despite your lack of knowledge.

He smirked, looking at you briefly. “Ya barely know the first thing about rodeo. How do you know I can break those records? They were set over twenty years ago, and people have been trying ever since. What makes you think I can do it?”

“You seem like a really tenacious guy,” you shrugged. “Like you fight for what you want and don’t give up till you get it.”

“Well, you aren’t wrong there, I’m definitely tenacious. My friends would probably call it bull-headed, but I like your description better.” He was quiet for a moment before he tentatively reached out to brush his fingers against the back of your hand, like he was asking permission. You looked up at him, only to meet his red gaze, made even redder by the glow of the red light he stopped at.

Taking a breath in through your nose, you eased your hand over and let him thread his fingers through yours. You hadn’t really registered how warm he was when he’d been holding it earlier on the way out, but in the quiet and intimate space of his truck you were honed in on the feeling of his calloused skin against yours. This was his riding hand, the one he used to keep himself from being flung from the backs of enraged animals. It was probably strong enough to break your own smaller hand, but the care with which he held it astounded you.

“I’ve gotta admit, I’ve heard about you from Mina,” he offered as the light switched to green. “Was kinda lookin’ forward to meetin’ ya.”

“Well, I hope I didn’t disappoint,” you laughed nervously. Sure, you’d heard about him, but he had turned out to be so different from what Mina had described. She had told you about a man with anger issues who sucked at making new friends and always wanted to fight others. And while he did seem to be those things, he also apparently had a softer side, one which he only showed to certain people. And you weren’t quite sure how you’d become one of those people, but you couldn’t exactly say you were upset about it.

“Course not,” he grinned. “She told me you were a spitfire, so I was lookin’ forward to having someone to jibe with. Certainly didn’t disappoint in that area.”

“Well good, I’d hate to leave a future record-holder wanting for more,” you giggled softly.

“She showed me pictures of you too,” he added almost hesitantly. “And I must say you aren’t disappointing there either.”

Your cheeks flared up at the compliment, but you fought back the urge to curl up in a ball and insist he was just being nice. “Thank you.” The words were laced with more emotion than you had originally intended, but you found you couldn’t hold it back.

There was a pause in the conversation then, as you both sat blushing in your seats listening to the thrum of the engine. His thumb began stroking the back of your hand in small circles, and you found yourself relaxing into his touch.

“Would you like to come to my place instead of a bar?” He asked somewhat suddenly. He sounded… nervous. Like he had no idea how you might respond despite the fact that you had given every indication of being romantically interested in him as well. “I mean, that way I’d be able to cook you something. You’re probably starving, right? I know I am…” His words were somewhat rushed, and they faded off at the end as he glanced over at you.

The thought of going home with him had your stomach doing flips and your heart singing in your chest. He was so attractive, and seemingly the perfect gentleman when he was interested in someone, which was something you had always wanted in a partner. And Mina had told you so many times how good of a man he was, despite his gruff demeanor…

So you nodded. “Sure, that sounds nice.”

He let out a nearly imperceptible sigh of relief and resumed stroking the back of your hand, which he had stopped while waiting for your answer. “Alright, it’ll be a few more minutes to get out there since it’s on the far side of my property. In the meantime… Tell me about yourself.”

You told him everything you could think of, about your family, what you were studying, what you hoped to do in the future. And he listened intently, making comments here and there or asking clarifying questions when needed. His attention remained on the road, which had lost its street lights back at the edge of town and was now a dark path cutting through fields of crops. They swayed in the light breeze, and you felt the urge to roll down your window and breathe in the fresh air.

And so you did. You put it down all the way and stuck your hand out into the warm night air, letting it flow between your fingers like water. As you leaned toward it, Bakugou’s grip on your other hand tightened subtly.

“You better not let that hat blow away,” he warned, and you simply smiled over at him and unbuckled your seatbelt. Releasing his hand, you held onto the brim of the hat and leaned out the window. The wind battered you and you could hear nothing else, but the way it felt through your hair and rushing over your skin felt positively divine.

You let out a loud cry of joy into the peace of the country night, atop the backing track of crickets and cicadas and beneath the light of the distant stars. Bakugou simply watched from inside the vehicle, his free hand finding purchase on your hip to stabilize you as you flung your arms out, hat clutched between your fingers. You could almost reach the corn leaves on the side of the road as you rushed past them, and you tried not to get disoriented as the world passed upside down.

As you let out a laugh of happiness, you felt the car slowing and looked in the direction you were headed. Bakugou slowed in order to turn onto a driveway, and you took that as a cue to pull yourself back into the truck, only to find him laughing.

“Your hair’s a fuckin’ mess now, idiot,” he choked out through peals of laughter. Upon inspection in the mirror you flipped down you found he was correct. You giggled at your disheveled appearance and simply placed the hat back on your head to hide it.

“There, all better!” You grinned at him as you felt his hand, which had been situated on your hip, make its way to rest on your thigh.

He simply shook his head as his laughter died down and you approached a house you could now see on a small hill. As he pulled to a stop at the top of the driveway he gave your thigh a soft squeeze and a pat before putting the car in park and hopping out. He made his way around the front and opened your door for you, helping you down until your feet met gravel.

“Welcome to my place,” he said as he led you inside. The parlor was cozy as he turned the lights on and you found that the place smelled of spices and something savory. “I’ve got a brisket slow cooking in the kitchen right now, should be just about ready.” He slipped his boots off and set them near the door, and you followed suit before accompanying him to the kitchen.

“Your house is beautiful, Bakugou,” you said softly as you looked around. It was simply decorated, but the things it did contain were all gorgeous. There were wood carvings that looked to be done by hand, and paintings here and there. It was so homey and domestic, and for some reason you hadn’t expected that from a man like him. But seeing him in the space it made complete sense. He fit into it all perfectly.

“Please, call me Katsuki,” he insisted as he retrieved two wine glasses. “Oh, I guess I should ask what you prefer. Are you a wine or beer drinker? I’ve also got some bourbon, whisky, or gin if you’d like any of those instead.”

“Wine is good, though I will say I’m normally a white drinker,” you smiled as you gestured toward the bottle of red he had out on the counter. He got a look of worry on his face, as if he’d committed some sin by bringing out red wine, and you laughed. “I’m kidding, I love a good red,” you assured him, making your way around the island in the middle of the kitchen.

“Good, dumbass, because I ain’t got any white.” He tried to look nonchalant, but there was relief clear on his face. He deftly opened the bottle and poured two glasses before handing you one. “It’s from the local winery, so hopefully you like it. Cause if you don’t then I’ll have to take it up with Sero since he owns the place.”

As you grinned at his lightly playful tone you tilted the glass to take a sip. It was incredible, the flavor spreading over your tongue and reminding you of autumn nights spent with Mina on the couch retelling stories of how your summers went while getting progressively more wine drunk. “It’s delicious,” you nodded, smiling up at him.

“Good, I’ll let him know he’s got another fan. That guy can always use an ego boost,” he chuckled, taking a sip from his own glass. He then placed it down on the dark marble countertop before making his way over to the slow cooker near the oven and peeking inside. “I’d say this has another 20 minutes before it’s perfect,” he said, mostly to himself.

“So what should we do in the meantime?” There was that tightness again at the thought of having time to kill with just the two of you. It only grew as he slowly turned back to you with a gleam in his eyes, and you distracted yourself by taking another sip of wine.

“Well, I suppose that can be up to you. What would you like to do, little missy?” He stepped back toward you and joined you in drinking from his own glass.

“Now why the need for the nickname?” You tried to sound annoyed with it, but in reality it had you clenching at the sound. “I’m not that little.”

“I beg to differ, you barely come up to my shoulder. I’d say that’s pretty little,” he smirked and patted the top of your head.

“Yeah, well I’ve got a big personality,” you defended, trying to look bigger as you rose slightly onto your toes.

“Ya got a big attitude, I’ll give ya that.” Tilting his head back, he finished off his glass of wine, and you followed suit. “Though I’d love to see how tiny you’d look on bull back. Bet you’d hardly last two seconds.” The grin on his face had your stomach fluttering and your breath shortening at the apparent innuendo behind his words.

He obviously wanted you, and you wanted him. So why were you so hesitant? It’s not like you were a virgin, you’d had several partners in the past, and had even had a few one-night stands. Was it just because of how attractive he was? How intimidating his aura was? All you could think about was having his hands and mouth all over you, having him buried inside you to the hilt and riding him like he rode his bulls. But something was holding you back, and you couldn’t for the life of you figure out what it was.

He took a step closer, leaning down to speak right into your ear. “I’d love to see how tiny you look riding me, too,” he murmured, his breath hot against your skin. There was a growl to his voice that hadn’t been there before, a depth that threatened to pull you under and drown you in him. And you found yourself wanting to dive into his depths, to be pulled under and never come back up for air. But you realized in that moment what was holding you back.

Fear.

Fear of losing yourself. Fear of falling in love with this man, only to leave tomorrow and never see him again. He had a magnetism to him which pulled so strongly on you that you found yourself daydreaming of leaving behind everything you’d worked so hard for to settle down with him. To be his little housewife who stayed at home and took care of the children and sacrificed her own dreams to support him and the family you’d have together

But you wanted a life of your own. Wanted to pursue your passions and make your own dreams come true. You didn’t want to settle for a life in some small town where you could never make something of yourself. You didn’t want to only be known as Bakugou Katsuki’s wife and the mother of his children. You were scared that if you let yourself drown in his depths that you really wouldn’t come back up for air, that you’d sink into the murky waters of obscurity and never be seen again.

But as he took hold of your chin again with that thumb and forefinger to tilt your head back and get your eyes to meet his, you felt more seen than you ever had before. There was a fire inside those carmine eyes that said he wanted to fight the world with you by his side. That he wanted to see you succeed in whatever you wanted to pursue, and hoped you felt the same.

So you took a deep breath and plunged in.

“I think I’d like that,” you whisper, before grabbing the collar of his shirt and tugging him down to meet you as you rose once again on your toes. His lips were just as hot as his hands as they met yours tentatively, but they were soft, and more supple than you had expected. They moved slowly against yours before his tongue peeked out and ran over your bottom lip before you granted him access. His hands came to clasp your waist while yours slid behind his neck, using it as an anchor to keep your knees from buckling.

He eventually turned you so your lower back pressed into the countertop. Then, in one swift motion, his hands slid below your ass and hoisted you up onto the counter. You hadn’t even jumped up to help him, making you realize just how strong the man you were ensnared with really was.

With this new height you were slightly above him, no longer having to worry about his hat bumping into his face. Your fingers delved into his hair, and you groaned into his mouth as he kneaded the fat and muscle of your thighs, between which he had wedged himself. He pulled you closer to the edge so your core was pressed up against his belt buckle, and you squirmed at the feeling of him slowly grinding into you.

Breaking off for air, he rested his forehead against yours, eyes closed as he softly panted. “Do I have your permission, little lady?” He spoke in a voice so soft you barely heard it.

“F-for what?” You had never been asked to have sex before, it had always just been implied once the kissing and touching had started. So it took you off guard that he would ask now that things were getting heavier.

“To fuck you, to make love to you, whichever you’d prefer. I just know that I need you, so fucking bad,” his eyes opened to look at you before you nodded, mind in a daze at the courtesy he was portraying. “I need a verbal response, little one. Can’t do with just a nod,” he grinned.

“Oh just fuck me already, you idiot,” you groaned, pulling him back to your lips. He chuckled against them, before slipping his hands back under your thighs.

“Hold on for me, yeah?” He said between kisses. You wrapped your arms and legs securely around his neck and waist, and he slid you off the counter. You assumed he would bring you to the living room where there was a comfortable looking couch. But instead he made his way back through the parlor and up the stairs with you hanging on like a monkey.

“God, so strong,” you murmured against his lips, feeling yourself growing wetter at the idea of his strength.

“Gotta be strong to be a rodeo champion,” he grunted against the skin of your neck. He made his way down a hall and into a bedroom which you assumed was his due to the dark décor and shelves worth of trophies.

He made his way over to the bed and leaned down to lay you atop the comforter. It was soft and you found yourself sighing at the feel of it against your hot skin. He released you with a final kiss, and you let your legs fall from his waist before releasing his neck with one final tug at his blonde locks. He straightened and began to undo his shirt, which had gotten dirt and dust on it from the ring but had remained in good condition. You were glad for that; the colors suited him.

“That the only reason you got strong?” You tried to put a little tease into your tone, but he seemed to see right through it to the need lying beneath as he continued to undo buttons, about two thirds of the way down. You propped yourself up on your elbows, hoping you didn’t look too desperate for hi

“Course not. Got strong so I could help others too,” he replied with a smirk. “I volunteer quite a bit in town and on the local farms when I’m not tending to my own.”

“Uh huh. Any other reasons.”

He undid the final button and pulled the shirt from its place tucked into his jeans. “Are you insinuating that I got strong so I could manhandle you?” A single brow raised sharply as he let the shirt fall from his arms to land in a pile on the ground.

“I’m not not insinuating that…” You were hard pressed to disguise the need bubbling up in your voice as you slowly scooted back up the bed to where the plush pillows lay. “All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t hurt in the bedroom.”

He looked at you questioningly, before unbuttoning his pants and climbing onto the bed above you. “Well then you’re not great at hiding your intentions,” he whispered loudly, as if his words were meant to be a secret, but he wanted to share it with the world.

“Maybe I just don’t want to be good at it. Ever thought about that?” You murmured, even as his fingers brushed against the bare skin of your waist where your shirt had ridden up, sending a shiver through you.

“Then I guess you’d be succeeding.” His voice was a true whisper now as he said the words directly into your ear, before pressing his lips to the soft flesh of your neck. He had situated himself fully between your legs, your knees bent, and feet pressed against the soft material of his comforter.

“Exactly, I’ve got you right where I wanted you.” You tried so valiantly to keep your voice from warbling, but as he kissed down the column of your neck you couldn’t help the sigh that slipped through your open lips.

“Not yet, you don’t,” he tutted against your collarbone. You screwed your brows together and opened your eyes to look down at him as he paused to get your attention. “I’ve got your permission, right little lady?” Something about the tone to his voice had your skin heating up like never before.

“Y-yes,” you stammered, remembering his need for verbal consent.

And with that, he descended.

He had your shirt up and over your head in what was probably record time, your bra following shortly after and leaving you both in nothing but your jeans, underwear, and his explosion-studded leather chaps. Everything was a whirl of touch and tongue and teeth, moans and groans replacing any lingering words either of you may have uttered.

His lips wrapped around one pert nipple, while his fingers tweaked the other one. His free hand worked its way to your jeans button, slowly but deftly undoing it. He looked and sounded like he wanted to devour you right then and there but was waiting for something. The feeling of his tongue against your skin had you moaning, and he chuckled into your skin at the sound. The hand at your waist yanked your zipper down in one swift motion, before he eased his fingers beneath the waistband of your now-undone jeans.

“Fuck, you’re soaked,” he groaned, his fingers stroking your sex over your lace panties. He wasn’t wrong, you could feel the fabric cling to your folds with arousal as he made quick work of finding your clit.

“Mnh, m-more,” you huffed, grinding your hips into his hand as you searched for increased pressure.

“Now, is that any way to ask for something?” Bakugou tutted from his spot just above you, but his voice was strained with need as well, something he was decent at masking but not immune to.

“Please,” you whined, “just fuck me already.”

He chuckled darkly. “Right idea, but wrong execution. Now you’re just gonna have to wait longer.” And with that, he was gripping the waistband of your jeans with both hands and yanking downward, drawing a yelp from your lips as he rid you of the cumbersome fabric. You raised your hips to help him, not that he needed it much, before plopping unceremoniously back onto the bed.

He grinned down at you before reattaching his mouth to your heated skin. You groaned at the feeling of his lips dusting against the plane of your stomach as he made his way down your body. When he finally reached your panties, you were nearly gasping for breath. You had delved one hand into his surprisingly soft locks, allowing yourself to stroke them like you wanted to stroke a different part of his body, but you weren’t quite there yet.

He slipped his fingers beneath the lace which barely covered you, pulling it down your legs with what could only be considered reverence before tossing them to the ground somewhere behind him. The way he looked at you when you were completely bare before him had you wanting to cover your face as it burned beneath his gaze.

“What a beauty,” he murmured, before kissing the skin just above your core. “Betcha taste even better than you look.”

Then you were being devoured. His tongue quickly found your clit as his breath was hot against your pussy, making you squeal in pleasure. He varied his technique, switching from flat, languid strokes that had you moaning to pointed, quick circles which had your toes curling. When he slipped a finger inside, you nearly lost it. The combination of stimulation and penetration was driving you closer and closer to the edge, and it was driving you crazy.

“K-Katsuki,” you groaned, fingers tightening in his hair as you felt your stomach tightening.

“I know, sweet girl,” he replied, words muffled as he continued to eat you out. He added another finger to keep up the stimulation as his mouth was partially occupied by his words, though they were muffled by your folds which he kept constant contact with, whether through tongue or lips. “You’re doing so good for me. Just a little longer.”

His constant licking and kissing on your clit, and the curling and scissoring of his fingers deep inside you had your thighs coming up to close around his head as your own was thrown back on the pillow. Katsuki moaned loudly against your core at the pressure, sending a new wave of pleasure rushing through you that almost had you bursting at the seams.

Then he did something you weren’t expecting. He ran his top teeth ever so lightly along your heat, stopping just before your clit as you cried out desperately. At the same time, he curled his fingers right against the gushy spot inside you which so few lovers had found before. Perhaps one or two had managed to hit it, but the combination of sensations had you falling apart within seconds.

“F-fuck! Katsuki,” you nearly screamed, tugging on his hair so hard he groaned at the feeling. You came harder than you ever had from oral sex, and he loved every second of it. He lapped up every drop that escaped before pulling his fingers from the sheath of your body. Directly after those same gooey fingers were slipped into his mouth and sucked clean of your essence.

“Damn, you taste divine Y/N,” he sighed, crawling atop you and pressing his lips gently to yours. You could taste yourself on his tongue as it ran along your teeth, strong and earthy and slightly sweet. He wasn’t wrong.

Your chest heaved as your hands came up to unsteadily undo his belt. They fumbled slightly, and he chuckled before standing again to quickly undo both that and the button of his jeans. Pulling them down, he stood before you, unabashed and glorious in his nakedness. His length and girth had you swallowing thickly as you readjusted on his bed, moving back to lay against the pillows.

“You’re staring,” he chuckled, lifting a knee to free his foot from his pants and briefs to place it on the bed near yours.

“Am I not supposed to appreciate what’s in front of me? When you look like that?” You smiled, trying your best not to let your voice quiver with leftover ecstasy and anticipation. Kicking his other foot to free it from the fabric clinging to him, he made his way up the bed, body lithe and solid between your legs as he came to cage you between his muscular arms.

“Then I guess by that logic I’m allowed to stare as well?” His voice was soft and low as he leaned down to press his lips to yours. He threaded his fingers through your hair, which still held the remnants of the wind-swept knots, and you sighed at the feeling. You tried not to lose yourself in the feeling of his rock-hard length coming to rest on your lower stomach, but your hips reflexively lifted slightly off the bed to grind against it.

“Patience,” he murmured against your mouth, his hand slowly making its way down from your hair along the curves of your naked body to rest on your hip, which he eased back down onto the comforter. “Let me treat you right.”

His words had you tightening once more. The idea that such a gentleman had taken an interest in you, and after so little time together, had you nearly vibrating with need. The hand which held you down gave your hip one more squeeze before coming to grip himself. The low grunt that slipped from his lips had your stomach doing flips before he eased the tip into your folds.

He ground his length through the slick which had gathered there, taking his time to make sure he was fully coated in order to ensure not only his own enjoyment but yours as well. So many of your lovers in the past hadn’t been considerate enough to do that, hadn’t taken into consideration your pleasure and only focusing on their own, that the action made your heart ache with desire.

Once he slipped through your heat with no resistance, he lifted his face from where it rested against your neck to look at you. “Are you ready?”

Your voice caught in your throat as desire and passion threatened to choke you. All you could manage was a nod and a wordless, desperate moan. Thankfully, he was losing himself to desire as well and took that as permission to continue, because you didn’t think you would have been able to form a coherent response in that moment even if he had demanded it.

Nodding, he placed his free hand on your inner thigh to spread your legs slightly farther apart. Looking down at the spot where the two of you met, he guided his cock to your entrance and slowly pushed inside. The sound you released was one of pure ecstasy, and he followed suit with a groan that had your toes curling. He moved carefully, pausing as he was halfway inside to not only give you a moment to adjust, but to give himself a chance to take a deep breath before continuing. The feel of your tight walls constricting around his fat cock and the way you looked and sounded beneath him nearly had him coming undone, and he couldn’t look bad in front of you now.

“Shit, so tight princess,” he muttered through gritted teeth. His brows were drawn together in a look of pleasure so attractive it had your core tightening even further as he resumed his plunge into your core. The breathy moans and soft mewls of pleasure spilling from your lips had him even more eager to really start pounding into you, but he had to fully submerge himself first. Leaning back, he looked at the way you sucked him in, and he used the fingers that were previously wrapped around his cock to come draw tight circles around your clit.

“F-Fuck, Kats,” you moaned sweetly, eyes unable to keep from screwing shut as he bottomed out, pelvis resting soundly against you as you wriggled your hips experimentally against his. The feeling of his pubic hair against your sensitive core, along with his calloused thumb directly against your clit had one of your hands coming to grasp his forearm while the other tangled in the sheets by your head.

“That feel good, little one?” Katsuki’s voice was slightly strained as he pulled out slightly and pushed back in. You couldn’t stop the almost pitiful sound that slipped from your throat as you nodded vigorously. He chuckled shortly, seeming to have a hard time getting out coherent thoughts himself. “Can I move a little more?”

“P-Please,” you begged, needing more: more movement, more stimulation, more friction. More of him.

“Then hold on, ‘kay?” He came to situate himself above you once more, leaning on one elbow as his thumb remained glued to your clit. Your arms wrapped around his neck, fingers threading through his hair, before he began to move.

It was slow at first, almost gentle, as he tested to see how far he could go. Each time he increased the speed or pressure with which he moved, you craved more, cried out louder. It was a gradual increase, but soon his headboard was banging against the wall and your tits were bouncing and the wet slaps of his balls against your ass were accompanied by cries of pleasure that spilled freely from your lips. His teeth sank into the flesh of your neck as he groaned, the sound vibrating through his chest which was pressed against your own.

“Katsuki!” His name fell like a prayer from your lips as you neared your climax once again, and the sound of it had him following suit. But he’d forgotten a condom, forgotten to use protection in the heat of the moment with someone he’d met only that day. So, he’d hold out. He wouldn’t ruin this moment by making you worry. He would make this perfect.

His years of training and fit physique came in handy not only for the rodeo, but, as you’d insinuated, for lovemaking as well. He used those powerful thighs to drill into you, those muscular arms to not only hold himself up but to bring your chest up to his as well, the arch of your back making him hit even deeper than before. Your moans and cries had only grown louder and more explicit as he continued, and soon he had you falling apart beneath him.

“Fuck!” You couldn’t hold back a scream as the coil which had grown so infinitely tight within you snapped, and you came harder than you ever had before. Tears slipped from the corners of your eyes as your vision went white, and your breath stilled in your chest, trapped by your constricted throat as Katsuki fucked you through the best orgasm of your life.

He grew quiet above you, and as your vision returned, you saw he had his eyes trained on you with more focus than ever before, all while his jaw clenched so hard you worried for his teeth. He pulled out, collapsing on his back beside you as his erection stood tall and flushed against his stomach.

“W-What are you doing?” You asked with a shaking voice, trying to catch your breath as you turned onto your side.

“Fuckin’ forgot a condom,” he forced through those tightly gritted teeth, before taking his length in his hand and starting to pump it.

“So?” You raised yourself onto one elbow to look down at him.

“I can’t ruin this by making you worry about that,” he admonished, breath growing even shorter as he closed his eyes forcefully.

“I never said you should stop, Katsuki.”

He froze at that, eyes flying open as he looked at you in surprise. The words had spilled from your lips before you could stop them, taking you off guard as well, but you didn’t make any move to take them back. You eased your fingers around his length, replacing his own calloused ones before shifting above him, thighs coming to straddle his own.

“Y-You said you wanted to see how I’d look riding you, right?” Your voice was soft, but excited. His hands hesitantly came to grip your waist as you lifted yourself to hover over his cock. “Then why don’t I show you.”

With that, you lowered yourself onto him. He slipped inside, aided by your creamy release which still coated your insides and the apex of your thighs. You couldn’t help the sigh that fell from your lips as you came to sit atop his thighs, and the groan that he released had you tightening for the third time that night, much to your surprise. You were lucky to get even one orgasm with your past lovers, much less two. Three? That had never happened before. But you were eager to see if this god of a man could make it happen.

“Dammit, Y/N,” he muttered, his hips thrusting up into yours as his grip on your hips tightened. “Think ya might kill me at this rate.”

“Well, you can’t do that,” you huffed, moving atop him as you placed one hand on his stomach to steady yourself. It was solid, a wall of muscle which had you clenching around him at the feel. “You’ve got a championship to win.”

He chuckled beneath you, the sound choked and breathless as you ground down into him. “And you’ll-” He broke off with a moan that had you grinning above him. “You’ll be there, right? Need my g-good luck charm, after all.”

“You gonna get me front row seats?” Your over sensitive cunt squelched as your chest heaved. This man was really about to get you to cum three times in a fucking row, wasn’t he?

“Darling, I’ll get you pit tickets if you want ‘em. Y-You can watch from the damn sidelines if you’ll just be there.” One of his hands made its way up your side to come and cup your breast, thumb circling your pebbled nipple as the other hand gripped your hip so hard you were almost sure it would leave finger-shaped bruises.

“F-Fuck!” You cried as he thrust particularly hard, nearing his climax as you leaned down to kiss him fervently. Your thighs burned and your breath came in shallow pants as you neared your own end, falling over the edge as he gave one final push upward, hips pressing up off the bed as he came hot and hard in your soft, warm insides. You fell apart moments later, hardly anything left within you but cries of pleasure and a clenching core that had him pumping you full of more release than he’d ever given before. 

It felt right, like you’d found a piece that you hadn’t even known was missing. As you collapsed atop his heaving chest, buried your face in his neck, let your fingers trail over his skin and through his now damp hair, you felt more at peace than you ever had. As his hands soothed over the areas he had gripped so tightly, as his lips pressed feather-light kisses along your hairline, he realized that maybe he really had found his good luck charm.

Maybe that hat was just meant to bring the two of you together all along.

[cstlji]

friday nights || byun baekhyun

1:34 AM 250424 

word count: longer than i expected

pairing: byun baekhyun x reader (ft. im changkyun)

description: baekhyun ignores you for an entire week, and you don't know why.

genre: bestfriends to lovers!au, jealous!baekhyun, mutual pining, angst-ish, fluff after lmao

a/n: kinda rushed ending (?) lmk if you guys want a part 2 or a longer version!

You and Baekhyun have been best friends ever since you both got stood up by your dates on prom night. You vividly remember Baekhyun's reaction as your dates began making out in the middle of the dancefloor, leaving you both partnerless — and almost miserable. So, you invited him that exact moment to ditch the night and have some fun of your own, basically and invitation to sit on the gutter as you eat your melting ice cream.

But, that was a story for another time - now you’re in your third year of college. Your friendship’s been that long, and you swore, the last time you checked, the platonic energy between the both of you was almost tangible. Although you had a moments when romantic thoughts about him invaded your mind.

You swore it were mere milliseconds, though – and that you didn't think about how his hands could perfectly fit in yours and, how sweet his lips would've tasted like. Nothing of that sort, really. You knew that the both of you were awfully platonic, and nothing more. You didn't want to entertain thoughts of you and him together romantically, because it would never happen. Plus, you went out on a date last week.

You and Changkyun were totally hitting it off. And you would've told Baekhyun about him, but he's been ignoring you for the past 5 days. No calls, texts, nothing. Everytime you'd visit him on his breaks, he's always be out, or busy, or just not in the mood — which rarely happened.

So, you planned to corner him into telling you what's wrong. You really had no clue, but you've got a feeling that it had something to do with you. It was your break, and you checked your phone for Baekhyun's schedule. You both exchanged schedules the beginning of the semester, which is also probably why he'd been successful in avoiding you.

There was an overlap between your schedules. His class would end at around the same time as yours would start. But you were really determined to know what the hell's wrong you could just be late to class for a couple of minutes. And after a long, painful wait — catch him, you did.

He walked out with two of his friends, who you knew as Minseok and Jongdae. It was Minseok who spotted you first. He called Baekhyun and pointed at your direction.

"Hey, Y/N." Minseok waved at you, and so did Jongdae. You smiled and waved back as Baekhyun's eyes widened.

"Go on first, I'll catch up later." He told his friends, his eyes avoiding your gaze. The two walked off after saying goodbye.

"What are you doing here?" Baekhyun held your arm, gently pulling you to the side.

"You were avoiding me for a week, what's up?" You asked, eyeing him carefully. He reached to the nape of his neck. He removed his cap, fixed his hair, and put it back again.

"I... wasn't avoiding you," he said, still avoiding your eyes. You weren't convinced, so you pulled his face to meet yours.

"There, see!" you exclaimed, "you avoided my eyes again. What's wrong, Baek?"

"Nothing," he muttered. He glanced down his wristwatch, and urged you to move. "You're literally five minutes late to your class, get moving dumbass."

"No, I'm not leaving 'til you tell me what's wrong. Is it something I said? or did? Or, like, did something happen to your family? Come on, talk to me, don't shut me out like this."

You were honestly nervous, you feared that the friendship you had would be gone in a blink if you didn't do this.

Baekhyun sighed, and met your eyes. You heart dropped to your stomach. It felt different from his usual teasing glints, there were hints of longing. His eyes glossed a little, eyes bloodshot red. You immediately reached to his face, and his eyes closed and he leaned to your touch.

"Baek," you sighed softly, "have you not been sleeping?"

"Mmhm," Baekhyun hummed, hand on top of your hand on his cheek. "Let's...talk later." His eyes met yours this time.

You nodded with a soft, gentle smile. "Of course. Come over later? Let's watch a movie tonight." Your thumb ghosted over his cheek.

"But that's for Friday?"

You swore you saw Baekhyun frown a little from the loss of touch as you retreat your hand from his cheek, but you decided you were just crazy and that it wasn't like that.

You shrug, hands on your pocket. "We could do it like, two days earlier, it's fine."

"Why? So you could ditch on me and go on a date again?" He blurted out.

You audibly gasp, earning stares from passerbys. Your hand flew to your open mouth. "What do you mean? I didn't ditch you, I asked you if it was okay and you said yes!"

"I didn't!"

"You did! I even have the text messages here if you need refreshments, dude."

"Don't dude me, Y/N," Baekhyun groaned, rubbing his face roughly. It was an a look of frustration, and you felt it was directed to you.

"Is this why you're mad at me? Because you thought I ditched you?" Your voice slightly trembled. Now you were frustrated and confused.

"No!" he abruptly said, "No, I'm - I'm not mad at you, I just, Friday nights are for us," You internally winced, because you took that in way that isn't how friends should take it as.

"And you — "

"Baekhyun-ah!" You both looked at the direction of the voice. It was Junmyeon who called out with a smile as he approached you. "Oh hey, Y/N, what's up?"

You smiled and tried to push the argument you just had at the back of your mind. "Hi, oppa."

Baekhyun sighed, "What's wrong, hyung?"

"I couldn't find Chanyeol, he told me he'd be with you." Junmyeon's lips parted a lottle, "Did I interrupt you guys?"

"Yeah, we're kinda bu—" You interrupted Baekhyun.

"We just finished talking, oppa," you glance at your watch to avoid Baekhyun's intense gaze. "I have to get to class, I'm suuuper late. See you later!" You waved Junmyeon goodbye, and turned away quickly.

You hear Baekhyun call to you as the distance grew farther. You didn't want to lose Baekhyun over a fight like this, especially when you thought of him in a different light yet again.

~ • ~

Baekhyun's heart broke a little as he looked at you walk away. He let out a heavy sigh as he massaged his eyebrows.

Junmyeon noticed. "Are you good?"

Baekhyun looked up at him and nodded yes. Junmyeon was not convinced though, but he decided not to push it. "Come on, let's meet them."

Baekhyun stayed silent. He moved on autopilot, basically just following Junmyeon's footsteps — but not before looking back to the place you once stood at.

The guys laughed loudly in the middle of the restaurant. Baekhyun and Junmyeon settled down, "Did you get food already?" asked Junmyeon.

"We ordered pasta and pizza, you could order more if you want to, though," Minseok said. "It's Jongdae's treat for missing the last get together."

"Nice."

The guys continued to talk, and joke around. Food kept arriving at their table, and everyone dug in except Baekhyun. He was staring at nothing, just picking on his food with a fork.

"Hyung, are you okay?" Jongin nudged Baekhyun. He looked up, and forced a smile.

"Yeah, of course." There was a moment of silence before Chanyeol broke the ice.

"You guys remember Changkyun?” He asked. Baekhyun’s ears perked up, the name was familiar. Too familiar, in fact. His eyebrows knitted tightly, he couldn’t help it.

“What about him?” Sehun popped a fry in his mouth. Lay tilted his head slightly.

“He’s throwing a party tonight, he invited us.”

“What’s his business inviting us? We don’t even know him,” Baekhyun bitterly spat and did not go unnoticed by his friends.

Chanyeol and Junmyeon exchanged glances with Kyungsoo, who sighed and said, “We can just not go, it’s not a big deal.”

Baekhyun just drew a big sigh and ruffled his hair. To say he was pissed was an understatement. He’d been so bothered about you dating other guys, and he hated the fact that he couldn’t even tell it to you directly.

After all, you both agreed on staying strictly platonic after having witnessed your sister and her then bestfriend get married and divorced on the same year.

“What’s with you, Hyung? You rarely act this way,” Jongin asked, eyes full of concern.

Sehun snickered, “He always acts this way whenever a certain someone’s involved.”

Minseok hummed in agreement. Baekhyun groaned as Kyungsoo spoke, “You mean Y/N?”

“Precisely,” Sehun confirmed with a smirk.

“Aren’t you strictly platonic?” Jongdae asked.

“Yes.” Sadly.

“Huh, so why are you jealous?” Kyungsoo asked.

“I am not jealous.” Lie.

“You definitely are.”

“I’m not.” Yes, he was.

“You like her, don’t you?”

“What?” Yes.

“You do!”

“What are you even —“

“Someone’s got a crush —!”

“I—“

“Just admit it, Hyung!”

“N —“

“Baekhyun —“

“I love her, damn it!”

Silence filled the table. Everyone suddenly laughed out loud after his outburst — they knew you got Baekhyun fucked up in the head and they love to see it.

Now, Baekhyun’s admitted it and there was no going back. He had avoided saying it for the longest time for the fear of it “coming true” when he knew that he had no say in his feelings from the get-go.

“Just tell her, confess, do something,” Kyungsoo said.

“That’s easier said than done.”

“Would you rather lose her to Changkyun?” Lay suddenly spoke up. Baekhyun looked at him, and he knew his hyung made a point. He had to do something.

~ • ~

Time went by fast, and it's been two days since you last saw Baekhyun. Still, no calls nor texts from Baekhyun. You were beginning to doubt your decision of avoiding the conversation — you start to think that you should've let him finish talking before walking out like that.

Is he gonna drop by tonight? It's literally friday, its — its your movie night. Or is he never gonna talk to you, and you end up losing the love of your life?

Wait, no. He's your bestfriend, so you love him, right? Its that kind of love that's purely platonic, isn't it? Plus, you had a date! And you totally hit it off, you swore to god.

Okay, maybe you lied. You and Changkyun were bonding over relationship traumas instead of building up a new relationship. You both had a cup of sweet tea, but the conversations you had left a bitter taste in both your mouths.

Changkyun also mentioned someone he liked, and was in fact, asking for advice. That's why you both set another date for tomorrow, solely for the sake of advices. Besides, you also enjoyed complaining to him about Baekhyun's annoying habits that you secretly liked.

You then pace back and forth, probably hyperventilating and on the verge of another panic attack. You bite on your nails as you watched a late night game show, or atleast tried to watch.

You couldn't focus on it. You sat down, your knees bounced up and down. So you stood, but you kept pacing back and forth. And you'd look at the television, but would later find yourself starting at the clock. You were so immersed that you failed to notice the numerous missed phone calls.

Until the door bell rang. You sprinted towards the door, opened it in one motion.

And there he was, holding a bouquet of roses. He offered a sheepish smile, and offered up the bouquet.

You didn't even realize you've been holding your breath 'til you saw him on your doorstep. You immediately engulfed him with a hug, your tears threatening to spill.

He hugged you back as he buried his face at the crook of your neck. You missed his scent, so much.

You pulled away, "I - I thought you wouldn't — "

He cut you off, "Don't go."

You look at him, confused. You wipe your tear-stained cheeks, settling your hands on his biceps. "What? What do you mean?"

"On that date," he said, eyes intensely on yours. "Don't go on that date, please."

"Well, that's for tomorrow still, I —"

"No, you don't understand. I," Baekhyun took a deep breath. "I don't just mean tonight. I mean, don't ever go on a date with another man. Please."

You were speechless as you watched Baekhyun frown in thought, trying to compose what he wanted to say.

“I,” he paused. He looked his shoes, and licked his lips in anticipation. “I get livid when I think of another man touching you, or holding your hands, and the mere thought of you kissing someone else makes me go insane, you have no idea.

“My heart races when our fingers touch, and I can’t help but want to kiss you when you do something childish. Or when you cry because of a stupid movie — I want to grow old with you, sit under a tree and watch as our children run across the fields. I — I love you. For the longest time, I’ve loved you. I love you, Y/N.”

You were speechless and shaking. Here was the man you longed for, confessing his love to you — and you couldn’t believe it. Your jaw drops, and he looked at you with great intent.

“I love you, too,” you said, tears rolling down your cheeks. “You dumb idiot, what took you so long? I kept it all in, I waited for you for so long! I —“

He captured your lips with his in the softest way possible. A moment lingers as he pulled away,

“I’m sorry for making you wait, Y/N. I —“

You pull him back in, deepening the kiss as you hook your arms around his neck — bodies flushed against each other. He dropped the bouquet, and put his hands on your hips, pulling you closer to him.

“Shut up and kiss me, baby.” You said in between breaths and kisses.

[starfilmz]

THERE SHE GOES — DEAN F.

⤷ Just tooth-rotting fluff of you talking to Dean Forrester for the first time. ᡣ𐭩

cw: fem!reader, so much fluff and sweetness, just reader being a girl, this is s1 dean since he’s the only i’ve seen, no rory au lmao, unbeta’d so grammar and spelling mistakes are probably there, english is not my first language :,) banner || gif

“Here are the keys, darlin’.” The item jingled in between Ms. Patty’s fingers as it landed on your palms, barely catching it from falling on the piles of snow on the ground. You were never really the graceful one. It took you about a year of living in Stars Hallow to get used to Ms. Patty’s natural whimsicalness and spontaneous energy—you’re not getting any smoother by the days.

You shoved the keys down your pocket, watching as she walked down the small set of stairs. “You’re closing a bit earlier today. Something happened?”

“Tomorrow’s Bid on a Basket, honey! I gotta make my own set for the wonderful event—maybe I’ll be able to enjoy some of my fresh cakes with a fine man,” Ms. Patty winked, giggling to herself. “A lot of people are joinin', I heard. Are you not participating?”

Your mouth contorted into a mixture of a smile and a frown—if that was even possible—as you awkwardly chuckled. “Probably not this time, Ms. Patty.”

As much as you wished to join the fundraiser, most of your free time in the morning was consumed with homework and your jobs. Your mom’s decision to switch jobs last month caused a bit of a financial strain in the family, resulting in you taking on more jobs as she adjusted to her new work.

“I’m working a shift at Luke’s tomorrow. I won’t have the time to make the food and hang out with the lucky bidder.” Your lips formed into a straight line as you looked at her. “Who’s always been my mom, anyway.”

“Don’t be so down, honey. I’m sure there’s a special boy who’s willing to pay for your basket.”

��That’s not—”

“I heard the new boy in your school started working in the grocery store a few weeks ago. Maybe he had some paychecks to spare.”

You snorted at her words. “Ms. Patty, c’mon.”

She had a proud expression as she finally took off, leaving you by yourself at the studio. “See you tomorrow, honey.” You waved goodbye as she left. She was truly an unpredictable woman—you would be lying if you said you didn’t wish to have at least a quarter of her confidence.

You knew of this ‘new boy’ she was talking about. Stars Hallow High School was not big enough for mystery; everyone knows each other if not by name, face, or by being their parents’ friend’s kid. Dean Forester joined a month into the semester, and you were surprised he wasn’t as popular as you expected him to be. But, at the same time, if it weren’t your shared classes with him, you barely saw the boy outside the building.

Lane, one of your childhood friends, was particularly fond of Dean’s friend, Todd. There were moments where you wished you could join on in your friend’s excitement, but—as Lane had commented several times—you were too busy making money to even notice the boys around you. But one single afternoon in between classes, you caught yourself staring far too intensely at Dean when he passed by the hallway when he suddenly met your eyes. You couldn’t recall what you did when it happened, just that it resulted in a startled Lane and a booming sound of your locker closing.

Have you been purposely avoiding him ever since? Yes. It’s not like the two of you talked anyway. Though it didn’t help when you began noticing him in Doose’s market more often than you liked.

You sighed, shaking your head at the one-sided chaos you’ve managed to create in the midst of the boy’s arrival. You weren’t exactly “boy crazy” as Lane’s mom would call the girls in your school, but you’re literally just a girl.

“God forbid I find a guy attractive.” You mumbled to yourself as you began to close the doors of Ms. Patty’s studio. The children had ballet today, so there were twice the amount of tutus inside; an array of pinks, blues, and whites decorated the wooden floors.

As you cleaned up the rest of the clutter, closing boxes and stacking them in the same way you saw them last night, you noticed one particular box was by the door, the heaviest one.

Inside were miscellaneous items (you’re sure some of them were lost as well) and you’ve experienced several aging moments after carrying them all the way to where they should be in the studio—the opposite side of the room.

You stifled a sigh, rolling up the sleeves of your sweater as you crouched down. Whatever was inside the box, new or not, doubled the weight you carried yesterday, and you prayed this wouldn’t be the reason you’ll hurt your back.

Just as you were about to put your hands on the bottom of the box, you heard footsteps on the wooden stairs; one of the hinges on the doors creaked. You had no time to look up and see who it was before you heard the unfamiliar voice.

“Need any help?” Without warning, a face you’ve been dreading to see came into view. His hair fell on both sides of his head as he lowered himself in front of you and the large box.

Dean grinned, his pearly whites showing themselves, and God, why did he have such eye-catching dimples?

You were sure something in your head was short-circuited because of how much you stumbled on your reply. “I- yes, I guess, if you want to- it’s totally up to you, if you want… to help.”

He chuckled at your response, and you can’t really blame him for that, but you decided to ignore the gnawing embarrassment you felt as you laughed along with him. It was the first you’ve ever heard his laugh—his voice in general, actually—and somehow, with your logic, you thought it fitted him perfectly.

You saw his arm move around behind the box in between the two of you, as if looking for something underneath. Dean still had a smile on his face as he readjusted himself on the floor, mimicking your crouched position. It took you by surprise to feel his hand on yours, and you had to fight back the urge to flinch.

“Here, take both of your hands under these corners, and I’ll take the opposite,” Dean instructed, moving your hands into position. You brushed off the thought of how his hands consumed yours. “then we’ll stand up on three.”

You nodded, feeling the weight of the box shift as he adjusted his grip. “One… two… three.” The two of you rose together, the box hovering between you, expectedly heavy but manageable as you moved in sync.

The two of you placed the box on the ground with a huff. You had to stretch your back as you stood up. Dean was doing the same thing, though his expression seemingly filled with amusement. He doesn’t say anything and you raised an eyebrow at this.

“What?” You said, pulling down your sleeves.

Dean shook his head. “It’s nothing. I, um, wasn’t expecting to see you here. Do you work for Ms. Patty?”

You caught the way he changed the subject, but decided to leave it alone for now. “Aren’t we all?”

This caused a chuckle from him as he scratched the back of his neck. “That’s true. I still haven’t thanked her for getting me a job at Doose’s.”

Dean followed you around the studio as you continued to pick up props and tutus off of the floor. He would grab what looked out of place and parroted where you’d place them. You didn’t protest at his presence—as much as you wanted to for the sake of your own mental health—and allowed him to help along. Besides, you didn’t have the heart to kick him out, and while your brain protested, your heart wasn’t exactly against Dean.

“The best thank you you could give her is probably keeping the job she gave you,” you joked and followed up with, “and bid on her basket.”

As you chucked the last baton inside with the others, you turned around and almost bumped into Dean with how close he was.

“Wish I could, but I was told to go do a quick morning shift just in case people would do their last minute baking.” He tilted his head slightly, his voice filled with humor.

“Sounds great. Let me know if you need a morning boost; I’ll be at Luke’s serving the best coffee around.”

Dean nodded, a grin making its way to his face, and said, “I’ll make sure to visit.” There was a few seconds of silence before he picked up his eyes to look at you. “You’re not going to do a basket?”

“No, not this year. Life’s been busting my tail lately, so I don’t really have the time.” You shrugged, putting your hands behind your back as you awkwardly leaned against one of the wooden boxes.

“That’s a shame,” Dean replied, walking over to your side to rest his back on one of the boxes as well. Your shoulders touched—specifically your shoulder against the side of his upper arm—and it all dawned on you at how tall he was.

You turned your head to look at him, failing to hide your surprise when he was already looking over at you.

“A shame? How so?”

“I’d bid the highest, for sure. Just hanging out with your famous cupcakes Lane talked about.”

You’ve recalled several instances in your life when you were physically stunned at a person, but none of them could compare to what’s happening. Dean’s eyes were still on you, waiting for a reaction, a response, literally anything, and yet you just stood there like a flustered child receiving your first love letter.

It’s a lot more important to remember that you’ve never spoken to this boy before. You knew one day your worlds would collide eventually in the small town of Stars Hollow, but you’ve never realized it was happening right under your nose.

And since when Dean and Lane talked?

You and her were always attached to the hip, telling each other every single little detail about the in-between moment of the day when the two of you weren’t together. She’s never mentioned talking to Dean about you.

“You don’t need to spend money to hang out with me.” was the next best thing of a response you could think of. “I mean, you’re doing it right now.”

Dean chuckled, nodding. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“And if you wanted to try my cookies, try visiting Luke’s,” you added, having a little bit more confidence in your tone this time. “But you have to buy them at the exact time we opened; there’s a reason why Lane calls it famous.”

A grin was on your face as soon as you heard his laugh. Your previous panic seemed to die down as a calm silence washed over you two. The doors to the studio were still wide open, letting in the cold breeze of the night brush past you and Dean.

The sweater you wore didn’t help your spine from shivering. You wore whatever you saw first in your closet when Ms. Patty called, and you weren’t exactly planning to stay for this long.

The sound of rustling made you look over at Dean. “What are you doing?”

He took his leather jacket off of him, that boyish smile on his face again, as he placed it on your shoulder. “I heard it’s going to be especially cold tonight.”

You made no effort to protest as his hands gently tucked the jacket on your shoulders, brushing some of your hair on the back of your ears. The freezing temperature inside the studio only made the heat on your cheeks twice as noticeable.

Dean patted you down, in attempt to warm you up, before retracting his hands to his side. “Better?”

You snuggled further into the leather jacket, taking in the familiar musk you’ve been smelling since the boy got here. “Yeah. Thank you, Dean.”

Maybe skipping one shift at Luke’s wouldn’t hurt.

[jebewonmorelike]

Pay You Back

wc: 1.3k (failed my own 1.1k challenge but close enough) pronouns: none used; n/a warnings: fluff, some themes of social anxiety/embarrassment in public but nothing descriptive, asking about financial troubles, hao being both your mom and boyfriend, he's in zb1 in this summary: idolboyfriend!hao has to come rescue reader when their card declines at the grocery store and he is not prepared to find out the reason it's maxed out. ~masterlist~ ♡ ~kofi (no pressure at all)~ so i wrote this to see if i could force myself to limit to under 1.1k words... i have a tendency to get carried away and not as many people like longer fics so. i failed bc i went 200 words over but it was a pretty close. anyway if i write shorter works, i can write more so i want to get back in the habit of it. better for my stress levels too lmao. just finished my second "semester" back at school i'm so happy!! third semester stars 7/3 tho so that's annoying but. i have one whole week to do nothing (except work but). ANYWAY hope you enjoy :)

“(Y/N)?” You hear your boyfriend’s voice as he enters the grocery shop. Even though Zhang Hao is quite reserved, he’s more than willing to make a small scene if you’re in trouble. “(Y/N)!?”

The store owner, who is also manning the checkout counter, lifts his arm high enough for Hao to see it over the aisles, pointing at you exaggeratedly— more than unamused.

Hao rushes over to where you stand in the checkout lane; your groceries half-bagged, half sitting askew on the conveyor belt. A couple people are beginning to line up behind you. He frowns, trying to decipher what about this scene could’ve possibly made you text him: 

🚨 EMERGENCY AT MARKET!! PLEASE COME HELP!! 🚨

“Honey, what’s wrong?” He asks, brows furrowed in confusion. “You said there was an emergency!”

“Is not being able to pay for your large grocery order after someone has already gone through the trouble to scan and bag most of it an emergency?” The owner asks, resentful eyes still locked on your embarrassed ones. 

Hao starts to open his mouth to respond, but the owner cuts him off. “I’ll answer for you. It is an emergency... if the owner forgot to pay his utilities bill and the electricity went out while his wife was curling her hair for work this morning.”

Your boyfriend glances at you then back at the store owner. “Right…”

“I tried to just leave, but he kept this exact same rant going for ten minutes,” you whisper to him as the owner continues to moan and groan about how his wife chased him around the house with a slipper. “I’m really sorry to bother you. I know how busy you are.”

Hao shakes his head definitively. “It doesn’t matter how busy I am— I’ll always have time to help you out,” he says with an affectionate smile, raising his hand to squeeze your right shoulder comfortingly. “As long as you continue to conveniently call when I’m already on lunch break.”

You sigh, looking back down at your shoes in embarrassment.

“Did you forget your credit card? Is that the issue?” Hao asks, taking his wallet out of his back pocket before you even answer.

The store owner laughs. “Worse. It declined.”

Hao looks at you concernedly. Maxing out your credit card was not like you at all. Despite the occasional shopping splurge, you were usually quite practical with money. The look of worry on Hao’s face is valid. 

Still, he hands his own credit card to the store owner and begins throwing some of your grocery items into bags himself. As the owner hands Hao his receipt and credit card back, you pick up a few of the bags and head toward the sliding doors. Hao grabs the last bag and follows quickly behind you.

When you’re outside, you breathe a deep sigh of relief; even a couple of people’s annoyed stares had caused your heart to speed up and your body temperature to rise. Hao falls into step beside you, but it takes you a few moments to relax enough to remember he’s there.

When you finally look over at him, he smiles reassuringly. The token introvert had set aside his nature (and sacrificed his coveted lunch break) to rescue you. And he’d also paid for your groceries.

“I’ll pay you back,” you promise softly, cheeks turning rosy once more.

Hao purposely bumps into your side as you walk, trying to get you to smile and break your tension. It works. You scrunch your nose up at him in a smile and he glues himself to your side, hooking a finger in your back pocket to keep you as close as possible as you make your way down the quiet street.

After another few moments of comfortable silence, Hao clears his throat. “So,” he starts, trying his best to sound nonchalant. “Are you behind on credit card payments? There’s no shame in it; it happens.”

“No,” you answer simply, shaking your head as you steal a glance at your boyfriend. You watch as his brow furrows in confusion.

“Oh,” he replies, lips forming a small pout. “Well, you know you could tell me if you were, right? I'd do my best to help you if that’s what you needed.”

“I know,” you say with a smile, watching again as he blinks curiously-- trying to figure out what the problem could be. “I’d tell you if I was having financial problems. I'd refuse your help, but I would tell you.”

“Right,” he affirms, nodding as if to convince himself that he could end his interrogation there. He fails, of course, and an unstoppable flurry of questions begins to fall from his lips. “So... So what happened? Did the card expire or something? Why didn’t you use your debit card? There’s money on your debit card, right? And I know you despise cash, but--.”

You stop walking and Hao’s finger still hooked in the pocket of your jeans pulls him back to face you. “There is an incredibly simple explanation for this,” you explain, placing your grocery bags on the ground for a moment as you pull your credit card out of your phone case. “This card isn’t my usual credit card. It’s a very limited credit account that I opened for a specific purchase. It looks almost identical to my actual credit card I use on a normal basis so I grabbed this one by accident before I left this afternoon. I was in a rush and couldn’t find my debit card, so I took what I thought was my credit card thinking I’d be fine, but... I was obviously not fine.”

“Ohhh,” Hao sighs, nodding in both comprehension and relief. “Well that makes a lot more sense. I was worried about you! I didn’t think you’d suddenly developed some sort of debilitating shopping addiction, but...”

“Rest assured,” you soothe, picking your bags back up and continuing with your boyfriend down the street to the bus stop. “I have plenty of money. I wish I had more, of course. But it’s enough to survive for now.”

“Are you sure you want to take the bus?” Hao asks, running his hand down your back comfortingly. “I can drive you.”

“No, you can’t,” you reply, taking the last grocery bag from his hands and draping it on your arm. You rummage through it for a moment before pulling out a fresh deli sandwich. “Your lunch break is almost over and I've used up all of it already. So, eat this on the way back to Wakeone or I will find you and I will shove it down your throat myself.”

“I can see you’re back to normal,” Hao says with a grin, taking the boxed sandwich in his hand as you reach the bus stop. “I love you.”

“Love you more,” you say, checking to make sure no one is around before kissing his cheek. His eyes closed, he sighs blissfully.

Your bus makes its way around the corner, pulling to a stop in front of you. 

“Oh, I forgot to ask,” Hao says quickly as you walk up the steps. “What was the purchase that you opened that new credit card for?”

You turn around, biting your lip in a smile. “I bought 40 copies of your debut album!”

“YOU DID WHAT!?”

You’re not sure if you’ve ever seen Zhang Hao more shocked than he is right now. You’re lucky the sandwich box didn’t fly out of his hand and onto the sidewalk. 

“It’s okay: I’m pretty sure I made a good investment!” You call back with a wink to your boyfriend, whose jaw is still dropped as the bus door begins to close. “Didn’t I?”

All Hao can do is nod-- a slow, exaggerated nod as he processes what you’ve said.

You wave at him, grinning-- any embarrassment you had felt ten minutes ago entirely washed away. Zhang Hao may have had to buy your groceries for you, but you think you might’ve already paid him back.

As the doors close, you call to a now smiling but awestruck Hao:

“You’re welcome!”

[natreads]

Ramblings about uni and the future

I'm trying to make a difficult decision. Since I've spent the last five years trying to break into the publishing industry and mostly failing (I'm freelance but can't get a full time job), I've been thinking very seriously about going back to uni to become a librarian instead. It's not really a career I've ever thought of, or wanted, but the same can be said for publishing. I decided I wanted to go that route when I already had a my bachelors degree. It felt like the "right" path, but I wasn't aware of how difficult it would be. The industry is so closed off, and I'm not very good at putting myself out there, so I've been struggling a lot. Not to mention people keep getting fired left and right so even if I do get in who knows how long that will last. I guess part of deciding to study something else, despite already having a masters degree and over six years of uni studies behind me, is that I feel like I need to essentially give up this dream, which would make the past five years feel like a waste even though I don't necessarily think they are. But I will have to give up the identity I have built around the industry. But I also feel like going another route won't mean I can't one day make it there too. But I also don't want to get another degree just to still be focusing on an industry that's this unattainable. I will have to focus on making it as a librarian instead and the idea of having to properly give up publishing makes me so sad, but I also know it will bring me relief once I actually do it. I need to study something where I will actually find work.

Another issue is that I really really REALLY don't want to study for another three years lmao. I talked to some people and there's a possibility that I COULD skip one semester due to previous studies, but I feel like it will be complicated and also not necessarily set in stone to manipulate the degree like that. I also got the tip to go take a masters instead which is two years, but here are the pros and cons to all of this:

Three year undergrad:

The school I did my BA at, so it's familiar

Since it's undergrad I'm not worried I will fail

Close to home (even if I move)

Unfortunately it's three years

It feels "silly" to get another BA when I could get an MA immediately instead

Two year masters program:

It's only two years

It will probably be hard

Could be done online, but I don't know if I have it in me to sit at home for two years again

It's in another city, but only takes an hour by train to get there

Unfortunately the train (pendeln) SUCKS and is super unreliable

And I would have to pay a bunch each time

But I like the idea of experiencing something new, since I both like the city (it's a college town) and don't think one hour is that bad

Another problem is that we'll be doing lots of group work so I might have to be there a lot which will be annoying

If I knew just HOW often I'd have to go I feel like it would be easier

I'm gonna be moving soonish to an apartment in the city here in Stockholm so I don't wanna move to Uppsala and do student housing, but my lease will only be one year so maybe I COULD during second year. I've never expeirenced student life like that before

Do I really wanna write another fucking masters thesis omg

I like the sound of two master degrees tho lmao

One semester will be dedicated to writing my thesis so I will mostly only have to commute for 1.5 years I guess, which makes the student housing in year two maybe unnessecary? But my lease will be up anyway soooo. In an ideal world I would be doing student housing my first year and then move into the other apartment after, but I can't do that and I don't wanna give up on a great opportunity

We'll be visiting libraries and whatnot and if it's in Uppsala (I kinda assume it is) I will have to figure out the public transit looool

Essentially, I think the undergrad one is safe but longer, while the MA is shorter but scarier. If I do the MA online I will be more comfortable, but also probably lowkey go crazy. Maybe if I knew if and how much I would be working at the bookstore after the summer I would pick the online version, since work would get me out of the house, but none of us know how needed I will be.

I know I need to change lanes, since I'm getting older and I need stability. Working in a library is the next best thing I can see myself doing after publishing (I kinda wanted to do marketing but I've realized it unfortunately goes against a lot of my morals and libraries are ethically the one and only place I stand 100% behind).

Idk if anyone has any insight or advice please lmk I'm so torn

[femmesandhoney]

I don't wanna have to be a feminist.

I don't know how to explain this but like I didn't contribute to women's oppression, I'm a victim of it so why is it on me to solve an Issue I didn't create in the first place.

I'm just so tired. I'm so jealous of men, they can just do whatver they want, but everything I may do or say is scrutinized and seen a as a statement.

Ugh I just idk at this point I feel like trying to survive in a patriarchal society is easier than trying to enact change .

I feel like there's this pressure on me like if I'm not a feminist then I'm a gender traitor of some ssorts which I guess isn't totally wrong but like I didn't ask to be a woman I didn't choose this.

Long post warning! I don't wanna put any of this under a cut so deal with it and scroll if you don't wanna read lmao

Sorry for the wait for the response I've been a bit tired this week from the surgery and my school work. And not gonna lie I've just been doing a lot of reading for my peace studies class so my perspectives on complacency is a bit skewed right now towards dislike. In the drama of peace studies and peace leaders, you'd honestly be looked at as a bit of a coward. I mean, really? Everyone knows it's easier to just stick with the status quo, when has change ever been easy, especially social changes and fights against oppression and the misogyny that's so deeply rooted in our cultures. Of course it's not fucking easy. Of course there's times it feels bleak.

My favorite professor once asked us if any of us had been to one of the local protests that had happened. None of us raised our hands. She looked a bit shocked as she took in the fact that in a class of roughly 30 adults, all working on moving final projects all semester about commemorative practices about deeply horrible oppressive governments, genocides, and wars, that none of us could even find the strength to go to a local protest. She asked if any of us usually go to protests or supportive demonstrations at all, ever. Again, no one raised a hand. She said, "none of you are activists?" and we all sort of looked around a bit embarrassed. If she were to ask this question a few decades ago, hell the 70s were a moving time to be on a college campus especially, you'd never guess the state of so many college students nowadays being so uninterested in social movements and social changes. So many of us look at the strives we've made in recent decades and go "that's enough for me, I'm content with that" or "I'm tired, no one is listening" or just plain old "why bother?".

And here's the thing: not everyone is an activist. I'm sure not, I find other ways to support women and don't often enjoy large gatherings just because my city isn't the safest. To be a feminist you have a multitude of options and ways to engage with feminism than standing in a group waving a sign, though that's a very important area of social change too and it's important to recognize when it's time to stand together openly and go "listen to us".

You say women are always scrutinized and that everything we say is taken as a political statement, which online at least is often true. We can't necessarily escape people viewing everything we do and say online as neutral, some people just have distorted ideas about others. I would try to remind yourself that the internet is full of dumbasses and you know better than strangers what's in your heart. But at the same time, if you're engaging in political speak and movements, there will be times your own behavior and statements will be reflected back on you for good or bad. It's just up to you how you feel about yourself. I personally think no one is a perfect feminist, there's always gonna be something that another could call you out for. So same can be said for those who try to scrutinize your every statement or move. At the end of the day, what matters is how much you understand and care about feminism and the women in the world and do you actually try?

Trying will look different for everyone. In our peace studies class, we're talking about how peace is not an easy and straight forward process and that while the goal is peace, you shouldn't get so bogged down by the end goal that you ignore or ruin the path to get there. In most cases, reaching a pure feminist world is not likely in our life time, which is why it's necessary for us to engage in female consciousness raising, creating for and leaving behind theory and books and evidence and music and art for our friends and daughters and sisters and grandchildren and women we'll never know. In our daily lives, do we try? Do we live in a way that reduces the harm that patriarchy and a male dominated culture has had on us? Do you not wear makeup, wear comfortable clothing, speak kindly to yourself when you look at your own reflection in the mirror, do you workout and take care of yourself, do you speak to your female family and friends, do you watch and engage with female created media and art, do you love and have hobbies, do you donate to women's charities and shelters, do you work with women in your jobs and how do you treat and support them, do you make sure the world is safe for the girls and women in your communities by voting in local elections, do you go to protests and board meetings and engage politically with feminism, do you share feminist theory with others, do you read the news and stay informed about world affairs especially vital towards transnational feminism, do you try?

You're right none of us chose to be born women into a world that wants to kick us down at every chance. With that mentality, though, you're only gonna depress yourself. There's more to feminism than sadness and despair, you're just looking at it from the wrong angle. The pressure to be a feminist isn't on any one individual, but you gain the benefits of trying to live a life in a way that recognizes the harm a male dominated culture has on us as per many of the examples above. I'm not sure who you feel is pressuring you, whether that be people online or just yourself, there's not necessarily a wrong way to be a feminist if you just fucking try. Trying is literally more than enough, but not trying at all makes someone a complacent coward. To look at the world and to see for what it is and not even feel the urge to go, "fuck it, I'm at least gonna live my best life in spite of that" is one of the most un-feminist things ever, yeah. I wouldn't call you a gender traitor unless you're up there touting conservative traditional ideology bullshit, but I'd say you need to connect to yourself and the women around you more. You're in a headspace where feminism rests solely on you and that unless you're out in the streets with a mic you're not doing enough, which is far from what many people are doing anyways. Do we need more active groups? Yeah, for sure. But right now the climate is difficult. Right now it seems the work is laying more foundation towards class consciousness and feminist theory and undoing the harm so much liberal feminist theory has wrought. Go support local charities and shelters, go hang out with your friends, go shop at a women run store, go just interact with the women in your life and try to center them and yourself. None of us want to be fighting for our damn rights, but that's not the end goal of feminism either.

To steal from peace studies theory, negative peace is just the absence of war. Positive peace is the absence of war and any and all oppressive institutions, violence, and is considered a "just" society. In my eyes, feminism is sort of like that. A negative feminism is just the absence of the patriarchy, or in terms of liberal feminism, a society in which men and women are equals. Positive feminism would be a society in which there's no patriarchy and where men and women are not just equals, but that women can live their lives to the fullest, where women are not bogged down by gender roles and norms and sexist institutions, where women are encouraged to love and befriend each other and not focus on men, where women aren't just legally equals, but are fundamentally happy and afforded opportunities to live rich and fulfilling lives apart from men. That's the end goal of feminism, really. Many of the examples I raised are to lead women down the path towards that positive feminism as well as negative, since both are vital for women in the long run.

Anyways, I love you anon and you're not a gender traitor for being tired. It points to you needing to go look for some peace and happiness. We all grow weary if we spend all our time huddled in the dark trying to picture the light instead of just stepping outside and seeing the sun.

[kawaii-mxllow]

ᯤ     𓈒     vent pt. 1   🍬   ᰋ      ݁      ੭

(symbol not mine)

soo there’s this person whose very existence has been bothering me for a long while

doubt anyone would find this (which is a good thing) but anyway for privacy reasons we’ll call her kaida, no offense to those who have that name of course

my childhood memory

kaida has been my classmate since kindergarten. i was sensitive and shy, and cried a lot so i doubt i had many friends which wasn’t much of an issue since i preferred being alone anyway, i didn’t quite stand up for myself at that time lmao. but for a 3 yo kid, kaida was a fucking cunt and a bully to those around of her (fun fact: i asked a younger student and apparently she stole candy from him?!?!?)

from what i remember, i avoided kaida as much as i could, though we were on the same school bus and she kept talking to her friend (forgot her name)

i don’t remember much about her since we didn’t interact much, but one of the most vivid memories were her telling me to sit with her and she gave me a piece of candy, but then we barely talked (this memory was so unforgettable to the point i remember what we talked about)

talk about lunchbox friends. /ref

the other memory of her was her calling me an idiot, which is pretty vulgar in our language especially for 5 yos. i don’t remember how i reacted, but i’m pretty sure i looked away and probably was close to crying. i’m pretty sure i took whatever she said to heart

current

before substitute

this section is the present, or mainly things kaida did not too long ago

after years of not interacting, kaida got assigned to my class and boy was it a fucking disaster. the first week, i kept hoping ‘she probably changed!’ or ‘maybe she’s more mature now?’ turns out, that never happened. growth happened, but that didn’t make her nicer or more mature - it made her worse.

for the whole year, i’ve been struggling with mental health and kaida being in my class made it worse since we were stuck with basically the same people for the school year. (sucks to be in my country i guess LMAO)

the first semester kicked off pretty well, i socialized with people and met new friends. i was praying i could avoid kaida since she was already stirring up trouble occasionally for the first few months. a lot of us kinda agreed that no one liked kaida at all

it genuinely wasn’t so bad until i got assigned to her group for activity class, basically we get parted into groups of 4-5 people and went to different activity rooms and such. as i recalled, we had a debate class for our activity and she made me cry a lot

i know it sounds super lame, but i’m just really touchy and she made me feel so bad, like i was trying to ask the teacher to turn off the air con and she straight up made me feel like what i asked was unreasonable??

anyway, she kept doing all these yoga ass positions and it was pretty distracting and irritating tbh, i hated snitching but had to after a bit. kind of regretted sitting behind her and my group members and i had to find all these weird ways to avoid kaida in the next bunch of activity lessons.

substitute arrival

oh boy, here comes the substitute - where everything terrible happens. again for privacy reasons i’ll be calling her ms c and she was also a little asshole

kaida felt bitchy and kept dissing the teacher and told on us constantly, so each day ms c shouted at us during class, victimizing herself. genuinely none of us liked it, and kaida clearly hated her scolding sessions too. and yet she kept on telling and telling and doing the shittiest things too herself

it didn’t make much sense either but i’m just really sick of her, i’m so glad she’s not in my class anymore

[joysmercer]

I really do think at one point that Joy completely loses it on Mr. Sweet (screams/cries, maybe even slaps him). Especially around the time in S2 where she feels isolated by everyone. Because this isolation never would've happened if the adults she thought she could trust didn't kidnap her for their selfish greed. Obvs, she doesn't yell @ Victor, bc there's some childhood fear there, but bc Mr. Sweet actually seemed harmless. :(( [the fact she's put through that again at the eclipse 😭]

oh absolutely; actually I’d say she and patricia both do at some point. maybe at the same time.

however I do think it happens s3+, when they’re a) traumatized again for an even stupider reason on the adult’s part; and b) far less scared and far more adult-like in the way they interact with people. i mean, joy is canonically the sassiest person on the planet the entirety of s3 wrt to anyone older than her so it’s actually quite unlikely that she left that school without properly giving sweet a piece of her mind. and patricia’s just Like That and the only people capable of stopping her (her housemates) probably would like to do the same thing anyway by this point.

the reason i say not season 2 is because joy is honestly a bit depressed that year in a way that would make her avoid the adults and/or try to impress them and get on their good side again instead of lashing out. she’s angry and scared and it makes her turn inward and bottle it up (the exception being nina, and even then, she hardly ever confronts the girl—it’s all private conversations and body language and an anonymous blog that we see how she feels, you know?). the mindset needed to correctly recognize who put her in that position (instead of just latching onto the easy target) doesn’t come in until season 3, when joy’s had time to relax for the first time in ages and said easy target is out of the picture, but it still doesn’t get better. idk if that made any sense at all lol but yeah

also tbh i think joy does yell at victor. like i said, unhinged in s3, but also,, she was, after all, his favorite, and that makes her a little more bold when it comes to him. lmao my personal hc aside though—lbr whatever lingering fear any of the kids had for any of the Society members is gone once they’re in their final year and don’t give a flying fuck anymore. no one was ever going to expel joy (despite their threats), not with the potential lawsuits that could come crashing down on their heads if they dared disrupt her education again, and that’s good enough security for her to just do whatever she wants.

seriously, go back and watch any of the times she talks to any adult in 3a. it’s a wonder she manages to avoid detention the entire semester.

[bitchubby]

shit outburst

the title is quite explicit and self-explanatory, shitty moment and only here do I feel safe enough to expose my miserable and deplorable situation

this is going to be kind of sad so don't read it if it will make you feel uncomfortable or feel sorry for me, I don't want anyone's pity, I just want peace to keep going through this jungle I face every day

we start with my deplorable situation in every angle of my life, there isn't one where I'm really good or worthy of looking at and thinking "I'm doing fine". but well, I've been trying, really trying lmao.

well, I got a college internship, but my college is full of antics and required a minimum of credit to do the internship. I obviously hadn't. difficult situation, I had to lock up before due to serious personal problems. so I signed a letter committing myself to having all the credits at the end of the term.

friends, it was like two subjects, I had signed up for five, but life is like taking the wrong bus and only realizing it after a long time. I live like a long way from both (college and internship), it's 3 long hours standing on the bus.

At first, I thought I could reconcile, but damn, it was impossible. within a month I was sleeping 4 hours a day and it BROKE me. so I thought "I'm going to stop trying to take all of them", let's just say they were tough teachers, who really charge, they give a lot of work and the test is hell, to only go to the ones I had a better chance of passing.

But then again, life is UNPREDICTABLE.

I live in a favela/community, which means I can't go in and out whenever I want, there are times when there's a police operation, shooting, bombing and that prevents me from going, I can't risk my life, can I? if I'm suicidal yes (which I think a lot lately, by the way).

so, let's say that in one of the two subjects that I was SURE I would pass, I didn't miss it, even though I had the 2nd highest average in the class, hahahaajajah fuck me, I studied 6 hours straight for weeks to fulfill the workload of the contents that I missed due to circumstances BIGGER than myself. it was like 3 more absences, justified, 3 more absences that made me despair now.

my internship depends on these subjects, but only on that subject, as well as my college, because as I said, I live far away and it is impossible to maintain myself in it (even if it is public) if I don't work, it is unfeasible, I spend a lot, like A LOT of money (and look, I have a ticket that guarantees me 4 free bus trips). and like, my college offers some allowances like permanence (housing), food, passage, but apparently I'm not miserable enough.

you have no idea how I've been fighting, how I've been trying. I tried so hard, really.

in that same class that I failed, I went through some situations that made me question my sanity would it be worth taking risks to try to progress a little academically and financially.

like, are we in 2023? yes, i'm fat. yes, my hair gets frizzy. yes, I look defeated, I wake up at 4:50 in the morning and come back at 10/11. Being bullied and being told about things I already know is exhausting. but I thought, I can get through this, it's only one semester, I'll get rid of them and then I'll continue to do well in my internship.

but BAMMMMM 3 punch I take.

Is nothing I do enough? my maximum is not enough? Will you have to destroy me so I can get some kind of mercy

and I even forgot to mention, but from trying so hard to reconcile, from giving so much to do well in all areas, I acquired an autoimmune disease!!!

the name is psoriasis, and it was enough to destroy the only high point in my life, which was my self-esteem.

Now I don't even feel pretty anymore I have the right, apparently.

So, I would like to know if it's worth living like this? if God only gives burdens we are able to bear, I have news.

Today I already cried a lot, people. I already had thoughts like I haven't had since 2015, when I was massively bullied, lived in isolation and thought about throwing myself on the avenue every day before going to school.

and fuck, that's a fucking comeback.

I could say that I thought about taking all the pills I have to sleep here at home, which I have because psoriasis wouldn't let me sleep at night. but come on, I'm not brave enough.

I'm not miserable enough. I'm not hardworking enough. and the worst, I'm not brave enough.

just a complete failure on all counts.

and damn, I was starting to do so well on the stage. I'm like 3 months away, but I've finally been able to start to come out of my shell and engage with colleagues in the department. everyone is so nice. it's going to be so hard if I extend it until the contract time (6 months) and then have to say goodbye when I'm attached to them.

I'm kind of social and introspective, so it wasn't easy to make progress at first. but I was walking.

and now i'm falling. again.

[khaleesiofalicante]

Oh, last gossip!! So, after that day I went and finish all the paperwork, I didn't have a way to go home (busses don't stop at that time cause it was quite early smh). So I figured I'll just stay on my father's work an hour or two so he could give me a ride on his break.

I was talking with my friends about this, and Andrew offered to give me a ride, as we live quite close to each other. He is always offering this whenever I can't take the bus, but I always politely decline bc maybe his family has other things to do and I'm in the way!! Also, I'm shy around most people, so there's that.

But this time I was like "...why not?"

Well, he asked his mother, she agreed and picked us up.

Aaaand. As we were just fucking leaving, we walk past Emily and she saw us. We waved bc, yeah we are nice, and she noticed me in his car and she makes a face that's between 😯😏

And she and her friends already though we were dating, so I'm just mentally preparing myself for next semester that actually starts on Wednesday :)

Also we don't talk much with Emily and Thomas anymore because they kinda took some distance. We are a little offended tbh. I mean I'm happy for them and that they talked this through, but still!! We are friends!!

Anyway, that was it lmao. Everything is still the same, my friends encouraging me into going out with someone, me telling them I haven't found someone, them reminding me the people who asked me out and then though I was flirting bc I was being nice, misunderstandings, etc. Just normal weird life ;). @springlily25 is now also aware of how easy I get into these confusing situations😂

I hope you have a good week!! Remember that at least one nice thing to yourself is required 😎

FUCKING EMILY CNJJDNAJ I LITERALLY GASPED WHEN YOU SAID YOU SAID SHE SAW YOU TOO

(i am way too invested sorry)

ALSO IMAGINE IF THOMAS WAS ALSO THERE???

It would've been like

Your normal weird life is literally a fanfic and I'm so glad I'm not writing it. HOPING FOR FEWER MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND MORE FLUFF.

ps - you and lily should legally be not allowed to interact.

[rlljayhon]

8/17/24

i know i told u about this page but idk now i hope you are not reading this LMAO if you are then sorry! don't feel bad! but this is just what is in my head and i need to let it out so if you are seeing this consider looking away if u cannot handle it

idk i am a little frustrated that like i was working on getting over them and then they asked me out on a date, only for them to feel like it was a mistake :\ like idk it feels like damn am i the mistake? idk it sucks that we work so well together but they like want to explore their queerness! which is fair and like i said i encourage that, but at the same time like i wish they didnt get my hopes up lol it just feels like i got teased a bit at what could have been only for them to change their mind

i know building my relationship back up with them after this is going to suck for sure, but like rn they kinda like assumed we were going to call tonight (i dont remember if i said that we would or made plans for it though) but they forgot and thought about it for a second and asked if i was up for a call which is nice, but it just sucks because i know that they would want to always call me, i guess its just harder at least for me right now like blah gimme a second to recover LMAO i will still be there for you but they kinda just broke my heart and i need to process for a bit

i think after this healing stage i still don't mind being friends with them and it'll be easier to work on getting over them because like we tried at least! like actually gave it a shot but it just did not work out, so what more can i do or want yknow? like any further effort is futile in my opinion so yeah

they are still one of my favorite people, i guess it just sucks that this whole actual going on dates and them regretting it/changing their mind brought me back to square one and yeah as much as i was happy for what it was, idk if i would have rather just preferred they just didnt ask me out on that date because i would not be feeling this way

actually nvm i am glad they asked me on that date because yeah we tried! it was the closest we have ever gotten to being partners, just wish we made it all the way i suppose because i will still yearn in the back of my head like oh what if we were partners or i finally was able to call them mine

also it really sucks this happened right before my semester started HAHA but its okay i will only learn and heal!

i think i am just scared to trust someone and give them my all again but who knows maybe i can find that person who will be willing to trust me and give me their all too!

that is all a boy like me can ask for

[shinsocest]

No. 003

♡ AKA: "Fated" ♡

Notes: another from my archive :) I originally wrote for a friend of mine. Also @boosyboo9206 I remembered while drafting that the Kuroo one had a lot of this au's context so we out here rawdogging the fics understanding lmao.

wc: 4.6k

warnings: fem reader, soulmate au, alpha/omega dynamics, shameless use of the Terushima scene, no protection, explicit consent (but for those who don't fully get abo its probably dubcon), Hajime type behavior but very soft imo. Just a very self indulgent alpha Iwaizumi fic.

Iwaizumi glowers at nothing as the bass thumps around him.

Well, not nothing. If he had to choose, he’s definitely glowering at Shittykawa, even though he can’t find the annoying bastard. Iwaizumi might be at a party but he isn’t really having the greatest time. He’s only there because Oikawa dragged him to scope out their rival frat’s party, the first of the new semester.

He wasn’t in the mood for any of it; Iwaizumi would have preferred to be at home studying and going to sleep early enough for a pre-workout before practice tomorrow. So everything is pissing him off. He can’t find Oikawa, Mattsun and Makki are too busy joyfully causing everyone to stare, the two alphas shamelessly making out on the couch, and this is the third fucking time they’ve played this song in the last half an hour. Who cares if it's popular?

Iwaizumi is stuck prowling the house looking for the brunet alpha so he can drag him out of here by the scruff of the neck. There’s hardly a difference between this party and any of the other’s that they’ve thrown themselves. Being here is fucking pointless.

As he’s rounding the corner, finally escaping the sitting room and its herbal smoke cloud, Iwaizumi gets a whiff of distress scent. As faint as it is, it's enough to make him turn around to search it out. It seems to be coming from a pretty omega, fingers wrapped too firmly around a plastic cup, cornered against the wall by a familiar blonde undercut. Iwaizumi can see the polite annoyance plastered across your face, the firm shake of your head as you deny whatever advances Terushima seems to be making. As assertive as you appear, Iwaizumi can smell your anxiety, the sour ripple of your scent burning faintly in his nose and blocking out something sweeter that lingers beneath it all. The rival fraternity president doesn’t seem to be taking no for an answer.

Iwaizumi growls under his breath. He’s not in the mood for this. Even on a good day he can’t ignore this stereotypical alpha behavior, but today has not been a good day.

There’s no hesitation as he changes direction towards the pair. He can feel the red creep into his vision as Terushima wraps a hand around your wrist, trying to entice you closer to the pounding music where people are dancing, not letting go even when you dig your heels in to remain rooted in place.

He gets close enough for his voice to be heard and throws his scent out. The potent, pissed scent of a territorial alpha. Conversation dies in the throats of everyone nearby as they catch wind of it. Terushima’s shoulders stiffen at the strength of it and he turns, in the same moment as Iwaizumi speaks, gruff and deep,

“Baby, who’s this guy? He bothering you?”

He hopes you get it.

Both of you snap their heads to him, Terushima’s smile dropping immediately while your eyes widen in relief. Iwaizumi relaxes as you take the bait, quickly scooting around Terushima to snake your arm around his. Some people look on curiously, but most skitter off and mind their business.

Good, it’s not a fucking show, Iwaizumi growls internally.

“What took you so long,” you pout at him and Iwaizumi almost grins at how easily you slip into the role—but then he remembers how often this crap must happen for this to be necessary and the upturn of his lip disappears. He levels a heavy stare at the other alpha as he responds.

“The guys held me up, I came as soon as I could.”

“Thought you said you came alone?” Terushima throws out casually.

Your fingers tighten around his forearm, “I didn’t say I wasn’t meeting anyone. You didn’t seem too interested in listening to what I had to say.”

Iwaizumi raises his eyebrows at that, glad you were brave enough to put the other alpha in his place. The pain in Terushima’s uneasy smile as he forces a laugh soothes some of the anger simmering in Iwaizumi’s veins, and his shoulders relax as Terushima makes some half-assed excuse about checking to make sure the kitchen was stocked.

Once the blonde disappears, Iwaizumi turns to you, gently slipping his arm out of yours. He eyes you with concern.

“You okay?” You’re shaking slightly. Eyes wide, slightly wet, and a little unfocused. His concern grows immensely, glancing at your drink. “Did he give you that? Do I need to take you somewhere?”

Those words seem to shake you out of it. “No,” your voice is low, the tremor to it barely audible over the music. “I got this for myself, and I kept it away from him. I’m just—he made me nervous is all. Thank you for stepping in when you did.”

Your trembling hasn’t stopped, even though your voice grows stronger as you speak, that anxious scent of yours spiking through your scent blockers. He can see the little patch now that he is closer, and realizes how scared you must still be if it’s getting through.

“He was being a dick. Anyone would’ve done it,” Iwaizumi mutters, ducking his head as his cheeks warm visibly. The way you eye around the room nervously unconsciously brings more words to his lips. “Were you meeting anyone? I could help you find them.”

Slowly, you shake your head, worrying your lower lip. “My friends cancelled last minute. I wasn’t even planning to come tonight and honestly... I’d rather be home. I just don’t wanna risk running into him again.” You lower your head, looking embarrassed.

Iwaizumi can’t think of a single reason why you should be.

Again, he speaks before he thinks.

“I could walk you home if you want.”

“Really?” Your head pops up, mouth dropping open a little in surprise.

“I mean, I was leaving soon anyway. I didn’t want to come tonight either,” Iwaizumi admits. “I could call you a ride if that’s more comfortable. It’s not like you know—” His mouth snaps shut awkwardly. He hasn’t even introduced himself yet. “—Sorry. I’m Iwaizumi.”

You warm at the abashed expression on the handsome alpha’s face, your heart fluttering slightly.

His heart rate picks up in return as you give him your name.

“I don’t mind if you walk me home,” you say shyly. “It’s not far, if you still want to.”

Iwaizumi pulls out his phone and shoots identical messages to each of his friends explaining where he was going and telling them not to stay out too late. He didn’t want to wake up to them stumbling into their shared house drunk and waking him up.

The walk is short, but not awkward. It’s filled with easy chatter, simple questions and revelations that always seem to come up when you meet someone new. You’re easy to talk to, and Iwaizumi is oddly disappointed when you stop and gesture to the apartment complex next to you.

“This is me.”

Iwaizumi blinks. He… doesn’t want to leave. He can’t explain the feeling, this insistent pull towards you, but it would be incredibly inappropriate for him to ask for more of your time this late. Dipping his head, he murmurs a goodbye and starts to turn, but he feels a small hand gripping the waist of his shirt.

He turns in surprise to see you've frozen. You look more than a little lost, as if you aren't sure what came over you. He waits for you to speak.

“C-can I have your number? It was nice meeting you, and I’d like to see you again, if that’s okay?” By the time the words are done tumbling from your lips, your voice has risen to an uncertain squeak.

A little shocked by the turn of events, but gratified nonetheless, the brunet alpha offers you his number, trying to keep his grip on the goofy, pleased smile that he can feel trying to form on his lips.

“You can call me any time.”

For the first time tonight, his eyes slide down to your outfit, only just beginning to appreciate the way the fabric of your skirt shows off your legs, resting tastefully at mid-thigh. Not a skirt, Iwaizumi realizes, but a cinched dress, hugging each line and curve of your body, modestly covered by a half-jacket. The warm scent of chocolate wafts under his nose and he gets a little lost in studying you, something burning hot within him as he imagines what it would be like to peel the fabric from your body, how warm your skin would be against his own.

Iwaizumi blinks.

It takes a moment to realize how close you’ve gotten. Then Iwaizumi feels the heat radiating off your skin, and his eyes flick to your own, staring at him just as intently. He clears his throat softly and steps back, shoving his hands in his pockets. He mutters a quiet goodnight and starts heading home, and nothing short of stupid alpha pride bursts in his chest when he turns his head to see that your eyes are following him. He hopes you don’t wait too long to call.

The house is quiet when Iwaizumi finally makes it back. There’s already a text on his phone from a new number, and he smiles as he sends a quick message in return. It’s only through the sheer force of will that he manages to fall asleep that night, closing his eyes firmly and ignoring the sudden urge to dig through the cabinets for something sweet.

Iwaizumi wakes up sweating. At first, he believes that the air conditioning has been turned off, but when he stumbles into the hallway, he finds it running at a cool twenty-three. He’s nearly vibrating in his skin, wondering what woke him. The digital clock on his nightstand reads 3:17. He fell asleep almost four hours ago, so there’s no reason he should be awake. A sweet scent wafts around him, faint but nonetheless catching Iwaizumi’s full attention. He mindlessly prowls towards his hamper and his fingers close around the tank top he discarded tonight. The warm scent of chocolate assaults him and his knees buckle.

A growl tears at his throat.

He’s growled before and often, a bad alpha trait that his parents did their best to train him out of, with general success when you think about who he had to grow up with. Lord knows he’s had every reason to, between Shittykawa and the meme team duo as friends. But this is different. The faint sweet scent brings with it a feeling beyond fathoming, and an itch, a drive that up until now he’s only heard stories about. It’s powerful, a true force of nature, a howling urge inside him to run to the one fate has decided is his. There’s no doubt in his mind who sparked this feeling as he presses the fabric of his discarded shirt to his nose, inhaling deeply. The scent is already fading and that brings a rush of panic to his system. He needs you.

In his haste to locate his phone, Iwaizumi slams his shin against the corner of his dresser, cursing at the immediate pain that blossoms up the limb as he finds your contact and calls. He’d bet his soul that you’re awake, the primitive energy buzzing beneath his skin too transcendent for him to be feeling it alone.

It feels like an eternity as he stands there, breath caught in his throat. You answer on the fourth ring.

“Iwaizumi.”

“Are you okay?” He spares no pretense; from the single word alone, Iwaizumi knows. Your voice is hoarse, and not just because it's the middle of the night. There’s raw need scratching at your throat, a desperation that his body mirrored the moment he heard your voice.

“I… what is this? Please, it’s so hot.”

Iwaizumi is already throwing clothes on, the phone pinned between his chin and shoulder as he shoves his leg through into a pair of sweats. “You know what this is. I’m—” on my way. He freezes for a moment. Do you even want him to come? Soulmate or no, you have no idea who he is. You… might not want him. “—Do you want me there?”

“Iwaizumi…” Your breath is heavy and panting through the receiver, and then there’s a soft gasp, followed by the faintest moan. When he thinks about why you might be making those sounds... Iwaizumi thinks his blood might be on fire.

“Do. You. Want. Me. There?” He can’t help but bite the words out, can’t help but demand an answer. He has to know now before he loses to the animalistic urges inside him. If you tell him no, a small part of him might go deranged, but he’d do whatever it took. Rut or no rut, he’d have Shittykawa strap him to the bed before he did anything against your wishes.

“Please. Please come.” Fuck. The sound of your voice, so small, pleading. Frantic. “Iwaizumi, I need you.”

“Hajime.” Now Iwaizumi’s voice is hoarse. “You can call me Hajime.”

“Alpha—” There’s a broken moan, followed by a frustrated wail.

Iwaizumi inhales sharply. “Did you just—?

“Please hurry. ‘S hot, hurts without you. Feels wrong.”

He’s already out the door. It’s not until the dawn air raises goosebumps across his skin that Iwaizumi realizes he didn’t even grab a shirt.

“Hajime?”

“I’m still here. I won’t hang up. Just… Pretend it’s me, I’m already on my way.”

“Trying, ‘m trying. God it’s not—” Your voice is driving Iwaizumi insane. Labored, pained. He should be there and you shouldn’t sound like this. He should be holding you, inside you, until there’s nothing left to feel but—

Fuck. Fuck.

Iwaizumi inhales slowly, trying to calm his racing thoughts as he reaches the end of the street. “How many fingers?”

“W-what?”

His voice lowers to deep rumble, “How many fingers are fucking your pussy right now, omega?”

Your answering whine tells him that he has your attention now. “Ahn, t-two.”

"Good girl, add another. Reach as deep as you can and don't stop touching your clit. I wouldn’t do that." Iwaizumi's breath is coming heavy as he just about tears across campus, glad it's still early enough that no one is walking the grounds yet to hear him spewing such filth.

"It's—It's not enough—" Your broken mewling is so miserable that it stops him in his tracks, trying to keep his voice steady so he can console you.

"I know, I know baby, I'm so sorry." The pet name slips from his tongue without really thinking, his feet already carrying him forward again. "I'm coming as fast as I can. I'll be there soon, it'll be okay."

"Hur—ahn—H-hurry."

Fucking hell. Iwaizumi feels the threads of guilt that such a pathetic sound sends a blazing heat down his spine, centering on his groin. He can't help it; hiccuping sobs and moans, paired with the mental image of you desperately thrusting your fingers into your cunt, trying to make up for the weight of the knot you can't provide for yourself—Iwaizumi's canines ache. He doesn't hang up the phone, continuing to talk to you over your sounds of distress as he approaches your apartment complex.

Then he’s inside, hesitating in the doorway of the lobby, and you stutter out your apartment number. Third floor. Desperation prickles within him now that he’s so close so Iwaizumi doesn’t wait for the elevator, bounding up the stairwell, two steps at a time.

He can already smell you, your scent is coating almost the whole floor. He reaches for the handle of your door and growls under his breath. The door is locked, barring him from you.

“Baby girl,” Iwaizumi strains, running a hand through his hair in frustration, “You gotta open the door.”

There’s a small thump on the other end of the line and he calls your name again. You’re slurring into the receiver, nearly sobbing, a loud tremor in your weak voice.

“I can’t. My legs are shaking, alpha please—Hajime.”

Damn it. Iwaizumi inhales then puffs out a breath of air, trying to psyche himself up. His mate needs him. “Fuck, okay. Okay. Listen, I will fix and pay for everything, promise.”

“Fix…? Hajime, what are you—”

Iwaizumi feels bad but he hangs up, slinging his phone into his pocket. Taking a deep breath, he pulls one leg back and aims a heavy kick on the door, close to the doorknob. The wood crunches, the latch protesting under the assault, but the door doesn’t open. Praying to the gods that the neighbors are heavy sleepers, Iwaizumi does it again, and again, and again, until the door crashes open, the metal doorknob broken and dangling from the splintered doorway.

Wincing apologetically at the obvious damage, Iwaizumi pushes inside and attempts to close the door, before giving up and dragging the small table in the entry to keep it from swinging open again. Your scent is so much stronger inside, layered upon itself from months of domesticity. The alpha in him purrs when he finds that it's your scent alone in the space. The thick cloud of arousal and distress leads him straight to your bedroom like he’s hooked by an iron tether.

His plan on the way here was to help you, to comfort you and hold you, to give you what pleasure he could without actually fucking you—just to be what you needed until your heat was over. He wanted to keep the alpha in him under lock and key. He knows heats can make omegas forget the real world, how desperate a heat can make them. Even if he’s destined to be your mate, he wanted to be sure you didn’t feel forced, by him or nature. But the sight that awaits him causes his mind to go entirely blank.

“Please, nngh—Alpha, I—I need you. I can’t anymore, hurts so bad please.”

You’d tried to leave the bed when he called to be let in, tumbled to your bedroom floor tangled between blankets and soft-looking sweaters in what looks like an attempt at nesting. There’s a throw blanket curled around your waist, a comforter under your head, but your lower half is in plain view, braced on your knees and bared to him. His imagination on the way over couldn’t compare but you’re just as he imagined you, fingers thrusting frantically in your soaked cunt, whimpering into the blankets around you. As soon as he enters the room, your trembling intensifies as your tear-soaked gaze locks onto his hungry stare. A desperate keen bubbles in your throat as your thighs tense and shake, and in response his low growl rolls like gentle thunder throughout the room as he watches more slick gush down your thighs.

“Little omega,” he rumbles, striding deeper into the room and kneeling beside you. “Did you just cum for your alpha?” There’s no more hesitation. It’s as if the missing piece of his life has clicked into place. His mate is right in front of him, her body calling out to him for the relief and comfort that only he can give. And he is going to give it to you.

You nod up at him, relaxing immediately as his dominating scent covers you more effectively than any blanket. The cinnamon and fire scent breathes strength and reassurance, promising to take care of you. You purr thickly as his hands smooth over your thighs, thumbs pulling your sticky folds apart. His lips are soft as he places a kiss on your hip, his breath hot, the faintest graze of his canines against your skin drawing an almost violent shudder from your body in response. If you were desperate before, you’re not sure there is even a word for what you feel now.

An all-consuming fire blazes beneath your skin that cries for him to be burned away with you. You arch impossibly deeper, instincts demanding you present yourself to him. “All for you, alpha,” you moan. ‘’M all yours, please take me. Can’t wait anymore.”

Your squeal rings in his ears as he scoops you off the floor and bundles you back into the bed, muscles flexing as he settles between your thighs. One hand curls around your neck to pull you closer as he kisses you possessively. It’s all teeth and tongue, fire and passion, spelling out his wavering restraint and burning hunger for you. You can feel his cock against your folds already, his sweats pulled low around his hips in his haste, grinding against you. The heat and impressive weight of it draws a needy whimper from deep in your throat, legs closing tight around his muscular hips to get even closer.

He nips your lower lip sharply, immediately soothing it with his tongue. Iwaizumi is panting as heavily as you, a thin ring of olive green nearly swallowed by black as his eyes gleam down on you.

“Last chance,” he rasps, his fingers fisting the sheets next to your head as your slick heat against his aching length slices at the threads of his sanity. His jaw brushes against your cheek, unconsciously seeking comfort, and then his lips press to your throat just once, the ache in his canines spiking at the proximity to your mating gland. His voice breaks under the intensity of this feeling. “I won’t—be able to stop once I… So tell me now.” Even if he stops now, Iwaizumi knows he’ll never be the same man he was before. His world has narrowed down to this room, to the beautiful omega in his arms. His omega, his mate. He trembles, breathlessly waiting for your answer, your permission.

“Hajime,” you sigh against his lips, soft like a prayer, before tugging his lower lip between your teeth sharply. Iwaizumi groans at the feeling, rutting against you as he takes in the carnal desire and beatific acceptance glowing like embers in your eyes. You don’t speak again but Hajime understands. There aren’t enough words in the world to convey this desire.

His eyes darken and he lets go.

Your back arches wildly, nails tearing sharp lines down his back as he shifts his hips and sheathes himself in your cunt. If they weren’t awake before, your neighbors most surely are now, your pleasured howl echoing in the air of your bedroom as your plush walls part to welcome all of him.

He can’t think, fuck, he can’t think. It has never felt like this. You’re so hot, squeezing him so tightly, and for a barest of moments, despite your mewling, Iwaizumi fears you’re in pain. But then your hands tangle in his hair, dragging his face down to yours. Your omega body was meant for this, meant to take your alpha just as he is meant to please you.

One syllable splits your shared breath, caressing his lips, and he can’t hold on any longer.

“Move,” you beg breathlessly.

Iwaizumi groans and draws his hips back to snap them into you again, surging forward and capturing your lips into a blistering kiss. He swallows your every moan as one calloused hand slides down to grope at the thigh curled around his waist. His balls are heavy, slapping against your ass with every thrust, his pelvic bone grinding against your clit. You’re clenching and fluttering around him, forcing low growls from his chest at the feeling. Your body is begging for him just as loudly as you are.

“Hah, ah, ahn, alpha!” Your head tosses back as one of his thrusts has his cock pressing deep, nearly bottoming out inside you. “So full—Hajime—feels so good.” The last syllable breaks as you keen, lips falling open as your pussy clamps down hard.

“Fuck—” Iwaizumi hisses as he feels his knot beginning to swell, and he can tell you feel it as well, your nails digging into his back again. He barely feels the sting; if anything, it adds to the primal fire burning between you. “You going to cum for me, pretty omega? You want my knot? You want me to fill you up?”

“Yes! Want you, want you! Please!”

Iwaizumi doesn’t miss the way your glazed eyes hold his, how you intentionally bare your throat to him.

You’re asking him to… oh, fuck. He can’t. He can’t. But the thought of claiming you, digging his teeth into your mating gland and finalizing his claim has the animal within him howling to comply with your demand. The coil in his gut winds tight and his hips jerk out of rhythm as his orgasm looms.

Claim.

Iwaizumi whines as his orgasm sears through his body, his knot forcing past your entrance and swelling just a bit more, locking you together. His teeth bury down, and he can feel your walls constrict as he pumps you full of cum, hear you wail as your slick gushes around his length, following into carnal bliss.

He feels as if he’s floating, chest heaving as he blearily comes down from his orgasm. The scent of your distress jolts his senses, and he quickly removes his teeth from your pillow. He’d barely stopped himself.

“Alpha,” you sob, writhing beneath him. “Why?”

“Baby, baby girl,” Iwaizumi hushes softly, wincing as your movements tug down below. His knot hasn’t gone down enough to separate yet. Tears streak your face, and his heart almost snaps at the anguish dulling your eyes. “It’s okay, it’s going to be okay.”

“You don’t want me.”

“Of course I do.” This is what he was afraid would happen when he refused to bite. Heats heavily fuck with hormones, with emotions. Pleasure made you ride high, only to come down feeling crushed and rejected by his refusal. His provisional instincts are lighting up, giving him much needed clarity as you continue to whimper and sniffle below him, no longer meeting his eyes.

“Am I not good enough?”

Damn it.

“Omega.”

You stiffen at the title, a fresh whimper catching in your throat at his sudden commanding aura. His pheromones wash over you, coaxing you to relax. More tears well in your eyes as he cradles your chin, turning your head so you look him in the eye. You try to blink them away.

“You are perfect, and I will never want another the way I want you,” Iwaizumi murmurs, voice still a little ragged. “But I don’t want to start this between us and have it turn out to be something you weren’t ready for. Heats heighten everything, ruts too. We can’t be sure this is what you want. Bite or no bite, I am your mate. I’m not going anywhere, and I won’t leave unless you ask me to. After we get to know each other, and we’re both sober—” This gets a watery giggle from you, and the sound melts Iwaizumi’s heart. He purrs gently, “and you want it, then I will make you mine.”

Your body sags beneath him, relaxing fully under his weight. A low moan spills from your lips, a deep grunt from his own as his knot softens, enough to allow him to pull his still hard cock from your dripping cunt. He grabs your hips and flips onto his back, settling you over him. Iwaizumi winces and hisses softly as the scratches on his back burn a little upon making contact with the sheets, but he ignores it in favor of meeting your eyes steadily. There are very few lucid moments in the middle of a heat, and he wants to enjoy them as much as possible.

“Did you really break down my door?” You ask curiously, tilting your head.

A startled huff of a laugh shakes Iwaizumi’s body, his cheeks burning in shame. “Sorry, heat of the moment. I’ll fix it as soon as I can.”

“It can wait,” you purr, shifting your hips over his erection.

Oh. His eyes darken, cock twitching at your sultry tone. Electricity sparks up his spine as Iwaizumi practically watches the lust drip back into your expression.

"Everything can wait."

[enhaven]

look closely | psh (m.)

pairing: sunghoon x reader

genre: smut, angst?, gala!au, idk what they are

word count & rating: 4k | 18+ (minors gtfo)

summary: you've been spending a lot of time with Sunghoon lately so he's not entirely pleased when you showed up with a date after turning down his offer.

warnings/content: jealousy • dirty talk • nipple/breast play, kinda mirror sex? • rough oral sex? (fellatio/deepthroating) • voyeurism? • hair pulling • pain kink lmao, semi-public sex again 😭, phones are being used of course ;)

a/n: ik it was supposed to be hockey!hoon from the poll but this mf posted and i was seeing things smh.

to say Sunghoon was confused is an understatement.

especially when you entered the doors arm in arm with none other than his best friend.

jake? when did this happen?

a series of questions start occupying Sunghoon's mind. at first, he didn't mind you rejecting him when he asked you to be his Valentine's date. maybe it was too much for you, that going to the gala with him might give your schoolmates the wrong idea.

and as always, Sunghoon took it like a man though it did confuse him cause he thought you both were on the same page. he was planning to ask you out if you had said yes but it's probably too early for it.

for you both to be official.

you've been spending a lot of time together since the beginning of the second semester. going on dates, studying together, and fucking each other's brains out for stress relief so Sunghoon thought there was something there but now he thinks that he read everything wrongly.

he's fully aware that you don’t owe him anything but he couldn't help himself feeling a little dumbfounded going alone to this event that your department's hosting. he thought that you'd be alone too but as he watches you and Jake wandering around to find your assigned table, he's lowkey regretting not asking other girls to keep him company instead.

.

you immediately felt Sunghoon's stare as soon as you entered the doors with Jake. rejecting him wasn’t really your intention because you'll gladly be his date for this event. it’s just that everything's becoming too real and confusing when he never even asked you to be his in the first place.

that's why you've been taking your distance.

it was just a simple date for a gala though so it shouldn't have mattered to you nor mean much to Sunghoon. he’d probably have a substitute date after you declined that’s why you said yes to Jake when he asked so you won’t look like a fool just in case you see Sunghoon there with someone else.

you don’t know if Jake knew that his best friend asked you first. with how close they are, surely it should be given that he’ll be aware but the surprise on Sunghoon’s face tells you otherwise.

now you’re utterly fucked.

this could appear as a low blow to Sunghoon since Jake’s his best friend. you should've considered this possibility when you agreed to be Jake's date but it somehow slipped your mind for whatever reason. it must be the desperation in you, considering him as a blessing in disguise when he asked you pretty last minute because you were already debating on not going.

seeing Sunghoon with a date would only ruin your night even if it's your fault. so you really thank the stars that Jake decided to ask you since you're already familiar with each other. besides, he’s a very sweet guy who’s become dear to you after sharing a class with him last semester so why not?

you’ve already acknowledged your stupidity in decision making anyway so might as well go through with it.

to ease up your nerves, you try conversing with Jake as soon as you both sit down, avoiding the pull to look at Sunghoon's way who's standing by the counter. you can see his figure from your peripheral view, wondering why he's still there when everyone is settling in their seats since the program's about to start.

could he be avoiding you and Jake? or is it the many girls crowding him? still taking chances if he'd entertain them since he didn't bring a date.

you’re sure they hounded him as soon as he arrived by himself but he could be waiting for you. to see if you were alone as well based on how he reacted earlier so now the guilt has been eating you up more quickly than you anticipated.

.

Sunghoon should've picked any of those girls to sit by him as he approached your table. watching you flirt with Jake was harder for him than he initially thought.

it riles Sunghoon up that you're being so sweet with Jake, even putting your hands on his chest whether it’s intentionally or not. he couldn’t even blame his best friend cause Jake's natural charm can woo anyone who comes across him.

"hoon, man, where's your date?" his friend turns to him as he’s sitting down on the chair while Sunghoon's gaze remains on you.

"nah i don't need one," he says dismissively, quickly switching his gaze to Jake with an amused smile cause he finds it adorable that you're avoiding his eyes.

he also finds it funny how Jake seems to be clueless about this underlying tension between you two, just like how Sunghoon is with this game you're playing. 

he’s sure that he’s been so obvious but he also knows how dense his best friend could be. honestly, Sunghoon doesn’t really care either way if Jake knows whatever's going on or not. what he wants is to understand you because he couldn’t remember doing something that would have pushed you to go for his best friend instead of him.

if Sunghoon had asked anyone, they’d just tell him to move on since you basically gave your answer but he’s a driven man. plus, the way you're acting around him says enough so he smiles wickedly at himself.

this night should be fun. 

if you really don’t give a fuck about him anymore then you would've acted differently so he'll just let you play around with Jake for now.

.

the program's halfway done when you feel someone's leg nudging yours below the table. without a doubt, it’s Sunghoon’s but you're still refusing to look at him. it'll frustrate him for sure but he surprises you when he casually joins your conversation with Jake. hopefully, your date won't notice that you've been avoiding his best friend.

everything was smooth since Sunghoon was doing the same as you, engaging in normal conversations with the others at your table despite his quiet personality. except, for the nonstop heated gazes he throws your way while his long ass legs nudge yours from time to time, provoking you.

you see, ignorance is usually your forte but not when it comes to Sunghoon and he knows that. it's like he must've sensed that you're about to kick his leg away cause he suddenly gets up, excusing himself to go to the washroom.

you end up hitting the chair instead, causing you to wince lightly and grabbing Jake's attention. his best friend, on the other hand, didn’t care about it nor your glare towards his retreating figure. so instead you turn to a very worried Jake and smile reassuringly at him.

"are you sure? you can just sit down and i'll get the food for you later"

"i am jakey, don't worry" you reach out to hold his shoulder and he calms down, relief now in his eyes as you smile at him. he returns it with an even brighter smile and just then realizes how gorgeous he actually is.

but so is Sunghoon, who by the way, hasn’t come back yet. 

you backtracked cause why was he still lingering in your mind. worrying about him was even worse and it's making you restless no matter how much you shrug them away by talking more to Jake.

when dinner starts, your date rises from his seat to line up for food. he offered once again but you declined, leading for his worry to return. still needing a lot of convincing, you stand up and twirl to show Jake that you’re fine.

"see? totally okay! i'll be back okay?" you nod at him as you walk away, eyes immediately looking for Sunghoon who's nowhere to be found. you ponder his whereabouts cause he could be fucking someone right now like he used to in events like these.

the scenario your mind came up with made you uneasy. no denying on your part that seeing Sunghoon earlier with a bunch of girls made your stomach churn. you might totally lose your appetite if you somehow found him in that compromising situation. yes, it's essentially your fault because none of these feelings would be here had you said yes to him.

.

navigating around the empty halls was fortunately easy despite the intricate design of the place. the whole venue screamed classy and elegant so it took you a bit of time to find the large fancy washroom located on the upper floor because you were fawning over the interiors.

it's where you suspect Sunghoon would be instead of the ones downstairs that are usually packed with people. he's the type to find places where no one usually goes, preferring peace amid any form of ruckus.

and you were right, instantly spotting him leaning by the edge of the black marble counter with one hand in his pockets.

"took you long enough" he scoffs, looking up to you from his phone. he looks annoyed as he places it beside him but he proceeds to do you a one over that definitely didn't make you wet now that you're also taking his whole fit at once.

all formal in black with that signature hair of his that you really love.

"well thanks to you" you reply drily, recovering from that small relapse with your annoyance bubbling back to the surface. he must’ve thought it’s directed to him when you’re actually mad at yourself but you’ll let him think that way.

it's fun and this is how you usually talk anyway, bickering and teasing which you surely missed when things got awkward between you since that day.

"me? you're the one who's all over Jake" he huffs, shooting you a glare that you found amusing. he does look cute whenever he’s sulking, especially when he gets jealous although he masks it with indifference each time you call him out on it.

"he's my date hoon" you deadpan, stating the obvious which irks Sunghoon even more but he notices the mischievous glint in your eyes.

“why are you with him?” he starts, trying to sound nonchalant as he leans back. it might be hopeless and he shouldn't care this much but Sunghoon just wants to know the very reason he's alone in this gala.

“why can’t i be with jake?”

he was gonna tell you why if his ears didn't catch the teasing lilt in your tone the more you step closer to him. “isn’t he your best friend hoonie?” you add when he didn't answer, noticing his thick brows scrunching as he adjusts his gold bangle bracelets.

so you are doing it on purpose, staring him down right now with those beautiful eyes and playful smile like you didn’t break his heart weeks ago. he may acted like he was expecting you earlier but you pretty much didn’t care so he's still unsure why you followed him here when Jake's probably out there waiting for you.

maybe Sunghoon was wrong. well, he had been clearly assuming a lot of things so who knows. this could just be his inner desire hoping that you still want him.

“he is, but it doesn’t mean that i’ll share you with him” you're startled when Sunghoon grabs your waist as soon as his arms can reach you. he pulls you closer to him before burying his face in the crook of your neck. 

one of your hands grasps his hair as a reflex, the other gripping his shoulders as you try to come up with a response. it's a bit hard when you can feel his breath fanning against your skin but he holds you for a bit, waiting for you to stop him.

when you didn’t, his lips touched your skin and began leaving kisses around your exposed collarbones. and since Sunghoon's been very familiar with your sensitive spots, he finds your weakest spot in the neck right away, coaxing a needy whimper from you.

“i-i’m not yours hoon” you're struggling to reply when you feel Sunghoon's smile but you love how eager he's been. aside from missing him in general, you’re deprived of his touch too since the last time you were in this position was the day you turned him down.

"no? but this one’s mine right?” both his hands move down and grab a handful of your ass, earning a surprise gasp from you. they're pretty quick too that you didn't even realize Sunghoon's pulled down your dress' plunging neckline, freeing your tits right in front of his face.

he eyes them hungrily as a hand of his stays on holding the hem, embarrassment flooding you as a result though he’s seen your bare body several times already. 

in all honesty, Sunghoon would’ve found your flower shaped pasties adorable if the circumstances were different. he teases you nonstop about them cause he secretly loves it when you wear them instead of bras, easy access each time he touches you.

despite how much he missed you, he's still pissed so he peels them off a bit harshly, eager to taste your perked nipples but he finds it absurd that you're shying away from him.

the audacity of you to come here then.

instead of putting your pasties aside, he keeps them in his pockets and you’re about to protest when his large hands are on your bare tits at once, fondling them briefly before he latches his mouth on one of them.

"h-hoon—" a loud moan slips from your lips when his tongue starts flickering your nipple, leading you to grab his hair again and push his face further on your chest. 

he occasionally bites a nipple as his palm gropes your breast, rendering you speechless at how it feels. you keep arching your back so Sunghoon's other hand returns to gripping your hips steadily.

looking down, you see Sunghoon's playfully making suctions while sucking your tits. it's his way of teasing you as he alternates on sucking both your breasts with his eyes closed, allowing your eyes to fixate on the mole in his nose that you adore.

with your breathing getting heavier every minute, suppressing your giggles has also been difficult each time his hair brushes your skin.

"hoon please.." you didn't plan on begging him but he's just too good at finding what makes you weak. watching his wet tongue and sharp canines graze your nubs didn't help either, heightening the sensation throughout your body so you couldn't help it.

but Sunghoon's a tease so you should've expected him to release your nipples with a pop after hearing your plea. with a taunting grin.

"now you're begging" he snickers, knowing exactly what you want from him. you pay no mind to it, brain’s all muddled currently at watching him lick his lower lips, eyes zeroing in on his saliva disconnecting from your buds.

you turn mute at that, not knowing how to respond to Sunghoon. the usual witty response to counter him’s nowhere to be found. all you can think of is finding ways to return to his good graces so you relent.

“yeah i am” you say quietly which surprises Sunghoon. you’re never the type to beg so he presumes that it's because you’re probably feeling guilty.

that’s why you’re here.

not really to see him but just to make him feel better.

it must be it so he proceeds to stare you down, contemplating if he’ll give you what you want. of course, Sunghoon would want to but he couldn’t possibly let you get away with this stunt you’re pulling tonight.

your exposed wet stricken breasts cause you to shiver while doing your best to maintain Sunghoon's gaze. he's making you wait too long so you softly squeeze his padded shoulders for an answer, watching his face morph back into being smug.

but before Sunghoon can even respond, you drop to your knees and look up at him with pleading eyes. he curses in his head trying to not give in right there. he's gotta keep his hardened exterior cause it's not often you’re this desperate hence why it’s one of his favourites.

“want my dick?” he teases, the familiar sly grin now plastered on his lips. you nuzzle against his clothed thigh as an answer and Sunghoon couldn’t help himself to reach out and caress your cheek.

he sees your hand reaching out and he takes it, allowing you to feel him over. then your hand fumbles to unbutton Sunghoon’s suit blazer, revealing his lean body that compliments his muscled arms.

he's fucking hot with this alone, given your kneeling position and you can't wait to finally make up to him now that he's letting you.

you're still a bit sus though that Sunghoon's making everything so easy.

he must've had other plans so you quickly pull down his pants and boxers, to have his cock in your mouth. you didn't get to though, his ringed fingers threading right through your scalp to stop you. a surprise whine and frustrating sigh escapes you but Sunghoon's enjoying seeing you like this.

“hoonie..” you coo, trying to look more deflated so he’ll release you. your earlier hunch was right and now little whore in you is excited to have his punishments again. 

you eye his cock, so angry already with the precum coated tip that you’d do anything to taste it again but Sunghoon’s firm grip on your hair reminded you of what you did.

a pout graces your lips, surely he already knows what you’ve been missing. it’s been about a week or two since the last time you fooled around with Sunghoon, the same day you rejected him.

he stares at you intently without saying a word, seemingly unimpressed with your current way of begging. you're getting conscious again, mind scrambling on what else to do to convince him but you can't think of any.

but there's one thing you both have in common, impatience. you see it in the way he grabs his dick to tease your lips with it, running the tip across the edge of your lips. your tongue darts out in hopes of catching it but he suddenly slaps it against your cheek, causing you to pathetically whine against his clothed thigh.

“suddenly this desperate? then why’d you say yes to him?” 

“i…”

you ran out of excuses just because you didn’t want to tell Sunghoon the truth. you’re not sure if he’s aware or which part of the truth he knows. if he does then it wouldn’t be a surprise. he can read you like an open book that’s why avoiding him earlier ended up being pointless.

it’s also why Sunghoon releases his grip on your hair a bit, allowing you to take his cock in your mouth. he misses the warmth your mouth is around him, the eager look in your eyes as you keep bobbing your head to please him.

well, it’s not enough. even for you, cause now he sees that familiar glint in your eyes when you want something more.

his hand didn’t leave your hair the entire time and excitement rush through you as soon as you watch him shift his stance, believing he’ll start fucking your throat.

but Sunghoon doesn't, if the smirk on his face is anything to go by.

instead, he pushed your head further down his cock, causing you to gag with the sudden movement. good thing you have amazing reflexes, hollowing your cheeks and breathing through your nose as you try to maintain eye contact.

you’re struggling when Sunghoon bunches up your hair and gives it a hard pull.

"did you really think i'd give you what you want?" he taunts, chuckling darkly as you moan around his length, the vibrations turning his laugh into a deep groan.

he would've let you with those begging eyes. he loves the desperation in them, making it one of his weaknesses. there's nothing he wants more than to fuck your throat but he can't give in that easy.

your head game's unmatched and it almost made him forget why you're here until he sees you slow your pace, intentionally taking him deeper until his tip nudges the back of your throat.

his hand returns pulling your hair, to the side this time as he picks up the phone beside him. it stings but you don't mind, letting Sunghoon control the pace of your sucking however he wants.

"so cock hungry, aren't you?" he grits his teeth, followed by a deep grunt.

he's being mean but you don't mind, nodding while your sole focus is running your tongue through the underside of his dick. to hear more of his deep grunts, now that he's mindlessly moving his hips slowly.

already anticipating it, you close your eyes to avoid the flash from Sunghoon's phone. if it'll make him forgive you then so be it.

you're not too concerned right now other than to make sure he finishes in your mouth. it boosts your ego, how you must've been doing so good for him to record you like this.

which suddenly ceased as soon as he releases your hair, his cock slipping out your drooling mouth.

"hoon?" you query, voice a bit confused as to why he's stopping you when you sense that he's close. 

"get up" he spits and you obey, a bit disappointed when you see him putting his very hard length back in his pants.

before you can protest, Sunghoon flips you around and pulls you against him. now you're both facing the other mirror in front of you while you're on his lap.

you watch Sunghoon resumes what he was doing before you begged to suck him off. he's kissing your shoulders and upper back this time, ringed hands fondling your tits again and it's increasing your desperation. you can feel how hard he is under you so you start grinding on him out of frustration, hoping he'll finally fuck you.

"w-what do you want hoonie hmm? if you d-don't wanna fuck here then.." you gasp, stammering each word as his groping becomes rougher. "we can go back to dinner then leave after..oh fuck.." you throw your head back when pinches your sensitive nipples, grabbing a handful of his hair behind you.

"pretty sure it's over by now.." he drawls after suddenly releasing you, feeling his breath against your skin as his hands move down to guide your hips. you've been watching him through the mirror this time, looking unfazed while ignoring your words.

"but you still want dessert, right jake?" he adds, shifting his eyes to someone in the corner.

realization washed over you even before following Sunghoon's eyes after hearing the name. there in the corner of the room, you see Jake standing and clutching his phone in one hand while holding the door with widened eyes.

"i was wondering where you are.." his voice echoes, eyes trained on both you and his best friend. you have no idea how long Jake's been standing there, if he saw the whole thing or what. you were too busy focusing on anything else aside from his best friend.

and if he meant you or Sunghoon he didn't specify.

you both should've stopped but his best friend has no intention of, continuing to play with you as if Jake's not there. this tells you exactly how Jake found you both. the way he wasn't entirely surprised at what welcomed him, eyes raking your half-naked form which causes you to squirm against Sunghoon's lap.

Jake looks a bit nervous but there's a slight eagerness swimming in his eyes. you wonder if this is the first time Sunghoon did this, sending him lewd videos or pictures which you honestly find kinda hot. you keep grinding against Sunghoon's cock while watching Jake's gaze fixed on your tits which Sunghoon continues to fondle, earning more needy whines from you.

"figured that he's looking for us.." Sunghoon says wryly as he stops your hips from moving, his unbothered face turning to his best friend like this is just a common scenario between them. you watch Jake gulp nervously, slowly sinking in the implication of Sunghoon's words.

you heard it clearly, his tone alone suggesting that this night's far from over.

not until he's satisfied with your apology now that you have an audience.

e/n: now let's ignore that this was supposed to be for Valentine's but i ain't gonna wait for next year to post this to be on the right season 😭

[steouwu]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

tw: mentions of grief, loss, and some other negative feelings.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

🌷 : today's song – interlude // aly remulla , emn’98ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

07 / 03 / 23

today, i woke up early. (around 6 am) the first thing i usually do fix my side of bed (i share a room bed with my mom) then after that, i go and prepare calamansi water :DD me and mom drink calamansi water every morning before breakfast. it has a lot of health benefits according to her in which i forgot, but since it has the potential to make you lose weight and i noticed that it improved my digestive system, i continued on drinking it.

ever since lola past away (just this year, may 29.) we've tried getting into healthier habits. my family were never all that sweet or that caring. especially my uncles and aunties to each other but i noticed that ever since uncle's wife came and helped arrange the funeral, her caring nature has rubbed on us. i love it : ) hehe. we now focus on taking care of grandpa. he even started eating an apple everyday for his health. we've learned a lot i guess. honestly though, i found myself getting back to my original unhealthy habits recently (but i swear, I am doing my best to counter it) and have gotten a bit more comfortable and happier even since she passed away. though i'm still blaming myself for her death due to some circumstances i am too lazy to elaborate. because of that, i avoid on wearing my headphones even though i comforts me and clears my mind. it's not a punishment for myself (maybe a bit) but mostly, it's just ’cause mom told me that if i noticed grandma was gone inside my room (i used to have a room of my own before. when the funeral was over, grandpa transferred into my room) earlier and maybe heard her fainting or struggling (in the bathroom. that's where she passed away.) if i wasn't wearing headphones, maybe she could've been saved. she had always told me to stop wearing it because i drift away from my reality. i am always in my head. she inflicted in me such a heavy feeling and i wish she considered that i was grieving too before saying that. it still hunts me and i feel as guilty as ever when i wear my headphones now. i've worn it about 3 times since she died (i used to wear it whenever i use my laptop) but i keep relapsing and going back to feeling guilty and blaming myself. one of my friends said i shouldn't be blaming me for things that are out of my control but i don't know, maybe it was in my control. maybe the reason as to why she visits my aunts and uncles in their dreams but do not visit me is because she could have been saved if it wasn't for me. damn.

anyways, lmao. sorry for the drama, after i drank calamansi water, i went outside for a walk and to buy breakfast. i had sinangag and egg with ma ling! :DD it was really good and i only had it because i just got my allowance this week. it's quite expensive, to eat it everyday. after breakfast, i watched a series in netflix for some time before preparing to go to school. my school ended already but since i am a part of the publication, i had to go for a meeting and a surprise training. it was fun, though my head was floating in space as i write it. there are so many things holding me back from actually achieving my real potential in writing that time. sometimes though, the shackles break and words just flow into me. I don't know when my head started to feel blank yet too filled at the same time. i think i have some time of ailment or maybe i just need to let myself go more.

after the training, a friend of mine came to school too to pay for her tuition in order to see her grades. the deliberation of grades for the second semester is today. i hugged her before going home. i chose to walk home to save money (because unfortunately, we aren't rich and we live in a third world country with a bunch of corrupt politicans who steal the Filipinos’ taxes aside from making them pay from a debt they didn't fucking cause. fuck you, Marcoses.) and on the way home, i bought siomai! yum.

i ate siomai and the dish my uncle cooked as lunch. then, i proceeded to sit in my desk (which is at my grandpa's room) and occupy myself. i tried to draw but i really do not have motivation and ended up fucking my anatomy practice. i settled to scrolling on tiktok and feeding myself dopamine until my timer ran out. i feel like a zombie most of the time because of social media, honestly. but tumblr's different. i rarely ever scroll on tumblr. i just use it as an open diary.

while in my desk, i thought a cat ate my chickens. i have pet chickens named jojo and benben. turns out, no one ate anything. a stray cat stumbled upon our house and followed my auntie (who first saw it) and gave it food. the stray cat isn't yet fully grown up and seems to be somebody else's pet because it's squeaky clean. it's also not agressive, and playful aside from that. my family members are speculating that it's grandma that came back for us because it just won't leave our house no matter what. i named the cat Saucy as a tribute to my other chicken, Suzie who passed away because a cat ate them :((

it's 6:41 pm right now so i cannot consider my day done yet. i wanted to read today but after frying my brain due to scrolling too much on social media, i lost my motivation and settled to feeling so low, empty, and aimless. i feel aimless most of the time. my potential is wasted, i do not know how to socialize, i feel so uncomfortable with myself. sigh. but i hope it'll get better. right now though, i am so tired.

i am so proud of my grades, though. or maybe not. i get it all the time. but i still want to gain people's admiration and my mom's praises. my average is 97 this semester and my overall average this grade according to my computation is 96. is that great enough for people to be blown away? i don't know. getting high grades is expected of me all the time. it's the only thing i'm literally good at and school is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

i don't know why this entry of mine turned very melodramatic but i definitely feel better after writing it all out like this. thanks internet for apps like these. it's the only thing you did great.ㅤ

right now, i'm hungry. so i guess i'll eat.ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ended, 6:55 pm

🩷ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ