#the reasoning for it is pretty bad tho. its from being depressed

[simptasia]

in 2 months i've gone from my average being around 71 kilos (record 73) to my new record: 83 kilos. whoa

[towncritte]

Red Destiny AU Lore Dump

I'm deciding to compile all the lore dumps I did so far on Twitter, into this post.

Stuff is subjected to change in the future, but this post is just to help you guys get bits of the story.

It's still a work in progress AU, and nothing is entirely set in stone but regardless, I do hope this helps.

Here's Dogday's reference sheet and info:

Here is a quick summary of what's going on in this Dimension: The Smiling Critters live in another dimension, which the portal was located in a Toy Factory. The humans entered and started ruling over the place, along with ruling several different towns to have control over the creatures within said dimension.

The story for now mostly focuses on Smiling Valley where the Smiling Critters live.

Due to the humans mostly seeing the Smiling Valley citizens as if they are Zoo Animals or an attraction of sorts, the small town finds it difficult to have supplies and have a tendency to get a shortage.

Most humans visiting aren't aware of the abuse going on done by Scientists that want to study the Critter Citizens as if they are Lab Rats, or the abuse of Soldiers/Guards hungry for a power trip.

That's the summary of the condition of the town so far.

For the most part the story for now will be pretty focused on Dogday and his perspective, as well as the other critters.

Catnap's whereabouts and what he is doing will be a mystery.

I want this AU to feel like an ominous mystery of what's going on.

Here's more lore drop of the pooch:

Declawing Trauma:

Dogday was declawed. Bubba, during Dogday receiving therapy, tried to get as much supplies and knowledge as he can to fix Dogday's hands/paws.

During those 3 years, Dogday couldn't hold things due to how bad the condition of his hands were.

Dogday had to constantly wear bandages and deal with pain for the past 3 years, making his mental recovery difficult, and feeling like a burden to his friends for helping him.

Catnap CONSTANTLY had to reassure Dogday nothing was his fault and would constantly comfort him.

Dogday, despite everything, held onto hope Bubba would restore his claws.

Bubba had to eventually settle for reshaping Dogday's hands to paws so Dogday wouldn't feel so much pain anymore. (He had to use extra bones from Dogday's hands to do this.)

Dogday was depressed about this but overtime did manage to get through therapy without being in so much pain anymore and had to learn to hold things with his newly reshaped paws. (Tho he still has some trauma)

Catnap held a HEAVY grudge against the scientists that hurt Dogday.

These traumatizing events will show how it's affected Day as the story goes.

Dogday does know about The Prototype and what Catnap's been doing. Not fully aware, the Moon is in a cult of sorts hidden outside of town.

Catnap at one point, gave Dogday hope about his claws before he left Smiling Valley as he was called upon by The Prototype:

Catnap wasn't being malicious when he showed them off, he just wanted to give Dogday a reason to support his beliefs. Catnap wasn't declawed, but he was given much deadlier claws.

Speaking of Catnap, here's his beta ref sheet:

In the future, I'll make him a colored reference sheet once I have this AU organized.

Dogday's eyes:

When Day's eyes would be fading back to white, Mini Moon immediately tells Day to go home and sleep. He then administers the red smoke again.

GORE WARNING!

Dogday developing violent tendencies:

At some point, Dogday starts to develop violent urges due to the Plush's manipulation and mind warping.

(Since I DO NOT plan to rip off Dogday's legs EVER! I'm going with this route as a nod to what happened in the game, but its in reverse)

This is so far the lore dump of the AU. I'll look back at this in the future as I continue the story to see how I can tie things together, or what to change or what I like or don't like.

If you don't understand this, it's okay.

Again, this is just a lore dump post to understand the AU so far in it's Work In Progress stage.

And to help me read over stuff and see what I can do with it.

Again, stuff is subjected to change, including designs. So nothing is entirely permanent.

I made the Plush Delivery comic back on Twitter originally as a one off in it's old version. But over time, I liked the concept so much I started forming it into a story and redid Plush Delivery.

I do hope you'll enjoy wherever Red Destiny's story will go.

Who knows what lies ahead for the red path the pooch is following.

" A red destiny awaits you Sunshine….are you ready?" -Catnap

Thank goodness, I'm done writing this all down. xnx

[moonspirit]

Jealous aruani are fun and all, but...what if it's their friend that's the reason for the jealousy??? No love triangles.

Annie suddenly feels a twinge of irritation when she sees Pieck say something to Armin and they laugh together. Or maybe Armin overhears gossip about how Annie Leonhart and Connie Springer look so cute together. The next time he sees Connie, his stomach twists. And it's terrible!

Considering how Armin and Annie both have self-esteem issues...well, I can see how that could happen. Irritation, doubt, jealousy, and self-loathing for feeling that way about a friend. it's just painful, stupid and awkward. I have no idea how they will solve this😗

Hello jealousy anon! As promised, and thank you for the ask, it made me laugh xD

Because of-fucking-course there's nobody more capable of causing problems for Aruani off more than their very own family xD If you ask me, outsiders don't have the type of talent the other four have in creating misunderstandings and unnecessary chaos xD Plot-required-3rd-party-love-interest who? Move over, here's Connie the Springer man!

At first it's all quite unintentional. Connie spends time with Annie because Circumstances and Coincidence and hardly notices Armin's watery puppy eyes gazing at him from a depressing corner. It's not like Armin ever says anything out loud either because of course, he's happy! He's happy Annie has a silly friend that makes her laugh and forget that she's awkward and possibly frightening around people. He's glad Connie comes prepackaged with a whole lot of shitty jokes that happen to tickle her. He's really fucking glad Connie treats Annie like he treats everyone else!

But. Connie can also... dance. Really well. Like the guy's got those moves and can easily take Annie for a nice spin. He also... makes her laugh, like... a lot? A lot lot? Hm.. has Annie ever laughed like that with me? Uh... yeah, nevermind that, um- oh god, Connie's been looking pretty nice lately in those suits and he's rather good with the whole easy-fashion thing and uh- well shit, it's Connie, he's my friend, he's not- no, I mean, that photo in the newspapers was just an accidental shot, of course Annie was just laughing at his bad joke but well... she did look really happy with him and, oh shit--

Man.

Pieck on the other hand, doesn't fuck with people more than necessary. I don't actually see her getting *too* close with Armin but they do become very good friends! They have a lot in common, (for example music) and vibrate on the same atomic level of "yeah this is wrong and backhanded and probably will get us arrested in 18 countries but lets do it hehe". Hc that they probably get off to a slightly rocky start as Pieck doesn't put much faith in Armin's "naivete" and harbours resentment for his blowing up of Liberio's port, but as time goes by, they grow closer!

Maybe... too much closer for someone's liking 💀

Because okay? Annie gets it, she finds politics too boring and her takes end up being too cynical and skeptical in the room. Technically, she's glad Armin has someone in Pieck who will humour his ideas with a generous (but nice) dash of realism. Also, they enjoy picking out records together and she often finds them nodding their heads to a new tune once home.

She's glad, okay?

She is, she really is-

*sound of a thigh being stabbed followed by sounds of Reiner screaming*

Pieck is a cheerful girl tho 🥲

On a serious note, both Aruani are going to feel like total crap about this jealousy tho. Because as you said, it's their friends, their literal family who they share a lot of time and space with, and if anything could be clear it's that none of them want to see Aruani unhappy. So its not real, it's not anything to worry about, it's all just in their heads-

And yet.

Tbh the extra funny bit about this is gonna be when Connie and Pieck realize what they're doing to their poor lemonheads xD

"What! We're making you jealous?! wHAaT?? ... Hell YEAH, LET'S TURN IT UP!"

🥲🥲🥲🥲

I mean what else did you expect lol, Pieck and Connie are that duo who are going to derive more entertainment from their very own organic, homegrown family-drama than the moving pictures being shown in the town-square.

Suddenly it's all: "HEHE Armin, I bought Annie CAKES, see? FIVE Cakes! FiVE delICIOUS cakes and *I* am going to give it to her! Me!"

and: "Annniieeeeeeee~~ Oh no, why the long face this morning? Btw did you know Armin wants kids? Like a lot of kids? He told me- oh, he didn't tell you? Hehe I thought you'd be the first to know hehehehehe"

Their approaches to fanning this dumpster fire are different 😌

Their solution when things get too Sad?? Lock Aruani up in a room. Always ends well.

[crazylittlejester]

Hi hello do you have anything about how Twi nearly died in your modern au? Like, what happened and how Time reacted and stuff- (free invitation to yap /gen)

hi hello yes i do!! (tw for talk of suicide attempts and sh)

it was an attempt when he was 15, and the only reason he’s still alive is because he kinda snapped out of it after a second and realized he didn’t actually want to be dead (if he hadn’t told anyone he would have died in his room). Time was the only person home with him, so Twi had to go tell him 1. What he did and 2. That he’d already panic called emergency services because he was freaking out and didn’t know what to do and the ranch is decently far away from everything else. Time had had absolutely NO idea Twilight was struggling like that or that he was so unhappy he’d make an attempt on his life and he was so so terrified he was actually going to lose his kid that day, he could hardly speak he was that scared (and unfortunately Twi was a little worried that Time was MAD at him because of his silence). He drove Twi to the emergency room himself, he knew he’d get there faster and he was genuinely worried Twi didn’t have a whole lot of time to wait around for an ambulance

That was the first and only time Twilight has ever seen his dad cry, at first it was just silent tears but the second Time had called Malon to explain what was going on he broke down sobbing and Twilight is genuinely so scarred from just THAT that it’s been one of the things that’s helped him stop hurting himself; he doesn’t ever want to see his dad cry again. he never wants to be the reason his dad cries, he felt so so bad about that he had a whole mental breakdown over it

He’d been struggling with hurting himself since he was thirteen and he’s been struggling with depression and anxiety for as long as he’s been alive, he’d just get so stressed and overwhelmed he’d spiral and then he felt ashamed for being unhappy because he didn’t feel like he had a valid reason to be depressed because he had a wonderful home life and loving family, and he didn’t want them to blame themselves so he didn’t tell them. and then sophomore year of high school it just reached a point where he attempted to end his life and then the fear and anxiety kicked in and he had to tell his dad about EVERYTHING. there was a lot of crying that day, from him AND Time, but Time made sure to make Twilight feel like he wasn’t suddenly going to be treated like he was made of glass or like he was just completely unstable. Time assured him that he wasn’t angry with him and promised to do anything possible to help Twi because he loves him, he made that very very clear

Time and Malon have done their absolute best to support him, they listen to whatever he has to say and they do whatever they can to help him. They got him therapy (which was so so helpful for him) and Twi still sees a therapist, plus he’s on antidepressants which have also helped a lot. Warriors and Sky have also been nothing but supportive and patient, they’ve been friends with him since freshman year and they were pretty close by the time this happened and they were really worried about their friend but were very glad to see him start to do better

Twilight is doing very well now, he’s been sh free for six years. tho he still has bad days or days he gets urges to hurt himself again and its difficult for him to verbally ask for help but everyone in his life has figured out what it means when he silently comes to just sit by them. They know not to ask questions and to just treat him normally, or give him a hug if he initiates it, and they’ll do anything they can to help him. The tattoos on his left arm cover up a LOT of scars, they don’t cover all of em, they’re not really meant to completely cover them but they do make them a lot less visible

He really is doing better now, but ofc Time is always going to worry about him. Time’s been worrying about him since he GOT him and it just got worse when 9 year old Twi cracked his head open hopping off a horse

the most recent fic for the au is about twi having one of his bad days, ft Warriors wriggling his way into Twi’s bed to be both a comfort and a nuisance (he does a lot to help akskdjd):

[scruffyssketchbook]

Does flame even… “get off”… to corn or is it like. Just for the entertainment/idea of being desired (because we know he projects onto protags of novels and such)

It's mostly for the entertainment/idea of being desired. He uses it as a way to not feel lonely, as he is actually afraid of intimacy of any kind. ESCAPISM!!! It makes him like- NOT FEEL DEPRESSED!!! :D Which, he almost always feels depressed, so that's a win. And he has so many because collecting them gives him a purpose. I'll admit, it's a weird purpose, but the magazines make him genuinely happy, so he collects them. and there are a LOT of them to collect. Pretty simple reasoning.

Dawn think's Flame is some Perverted deviant who harasses girls, but he's really just a jaded sad floof who uses corn to dissociate from the real world and not feel depressed. This is also why its so BAD NOW THO, it got worse after Flame "let Sora go" and after the agency. Like- Flame is going through a lot :/

[its-wabby-stuff]

those are all so interesting! sho chasing him around the world bc the writers did say yoshi became cosmopolitan during his fame, is so funny and kinda sad. yeah, i'm pretty sure its canon that sho and yoshi were the last hamato bc in end game, foot lt says yoshi is the "last descendant". i hc that yoshi has struggled with depressive disorder since his mom left. being told he had to save the world and all his plans being overun by his hamato destiny did not help. but sho (in typical asian fashion) was like "depression isn't real, get a hold of yourself" (sho was also depressed bc of atsuko's death but he was in denial). big mama soothed it during the time yoshi dated her but then obvi, his depression came back 100x worse during his captivity and stayed quite severe to this day (being a mutant really sucks also how is he supposed to be a dad when he never had a dad really???)

yes! share you big mama hcs 😁 did you know she was with yoshi for 11 years (probably)?? in many unhappy returns, it says they met in 1984 and the writers said she kidnapped him around 1995. i feel bad for yoshi bro (I still love big mama tho) i know fans want her to have a fake human name but i think it's funnier (it's also canon) that she just went by big mama bc yoshi didn't care that she was purple and had yellow eyes and ate bugs and talked weird af so why would he care about her odd name?

I definitely agree with the depressive disorder, as someone who also has on and off depression. I also think he has AuDHD which could be part of why he did bad in school. I also agree that Sho didn’t see them as real problems, which I think is part of the reason Splinter is so cut off when it comes to talking about his feelings, or opening up in the slightest.

I think his depression got a lot worse sometime after the overtaking parts of parenthood were over and the boys started becoming a lot more independent and self-sufficient. Then he like crashed from the last, basically 45+ years of his life.

I’m still trying to figure out how such a loud and proud personality didn’t tell his sons about his days in the sun. I can only think it has something to do with his mother leaving, or him trying to forget. Also can’t figure why he changed his name to Splinter of all things. It was probably the boys fault- somehow, or possibly just poetic. New life, new name.

Tbh, Big Mama and Lou Jitsu, despite all their flaws, are my favorite couple. They’ve spent like half their lives together. I think Big Mama is a younger Yokai, perhaps only a couple years older than Yoshi himself. This is opposed to Draxum who I think is well over 200. I think she has commitment issues, but her and Yoshi bonded over their drive to create something spledifirous. I think she spent her time on the surface being a rebel, just like Lou, hiding away from some like rich Yokai family who wanted her to inherit the family business (their chain of hotels). Just another reason to bond.

This one’s silly, and I kinda stole it from someone else on the webs, but I think Big Mama and Lou Jitsu both got really into the renaissance while they were dating. Hence Splinters names for his son being the splinters of their relationship. Haha.

I think the battle nexus is relatively new and was started with Lou Jitsus kidnapping. It just got a lot of attention. And with her champion, a lot of other Yokai joined to get a chance at beating up the human, which backfired for them.

After a couple years of fighting, and winning, I think Big Mama laxed up on her rules. They were still kinda dating and would spend time together and tour the Hidden City and such (cause how else does he know so much?). Up until the last year, before the boys, when he once again requested more from Big Mama and wanted to stop fighting, so he wound up back in his cell. He declared he was a pacifist so he wouldn’t have to fight anymore, cause he knows she’s tricky but he’s still a little too dumb to figure things out.

Because I think the battle nexus is new, I also think her going back to the hidden city to take over the family hotels must have some cause and effect. So I think a family member died, which caused her to flip out like she did when asked to marry. That and her commitment issues (which also cause her to change the deals at the last second). And allowed Lou to “forgive” her when the “got back together.” He clearly still has resentment, but not to the point of hatred (cause they still got that chemistry in the show). They might be a little perfect for each other. 🙂‍↕️

If Big Mama was going to have any other name, which I’m fine with her name being what it is but it feels much more like a title, or perhaps originated as a pet name from Lou, than an actual name; I would think it’d be Tang Shen. Only cause other tmnt iterations have Yoshis ex wife be named that, but I think it’s fitting as well. Understandably, I get why she might keep it hidden and a secret, because, just like Lou, wearing masks is sometimes easier than facing the truth.

[shytastemakerthing]

heyyy can i get a romantic matchup? ID REALLY LIKE AN ENSTARS ONE but if u dont do those, a twst one is good :3

im kitten, i dont use pronouns (so just use my name). i dont use labels either, but im feminine. im 17 (so nobody younger than me pls!!), currently in IT classes, 162cm, virgo and entp/intp. also 8w9

umm Im a vampirekin and have a strong affiliation w rabbits and cats. i can be really blunt (sometimes i dont mean it sometimes i do) and am pretty aggressive. i love play-fighting w friends and getting into joke arguments nd stuff.

i hate hatee having 2 give advice like I cant deal w ppl venting 2 me. I can b rude Mostly jut since if i dont like you 4 whatever reason Im not going to hide it Im just not going 2 Be nice. Cuz of this I dont get approached a lot bc ppl say i look mad/intimidating a lot!!!

VERY umm bimbo oriented. very clumsy, Very bad memory and attention span, But who cares I love acting cute and acting pretty and stuff. I love cute things tbhgd sm and I just want 2 squeeze. Cute ppl. As a bimbo i still Have my days 💔where im just Depressed man and Thats most days. but i am good at Just Living and Not acting like that..! Tho when im Very bad w mental health I tend 2 just get sick and not leave my bed and just cut everyone off LOLL

Any ways I love fashion and dressing cute and DESIGNING CLOTHES!!!! I love designing plushies and characters and stuff I need like a creative output and I have 34983 ways of that (designing plushies, characters, outfits ect. sewing, vtuber rigging, sculpting, painting, ect). i usually dress in v-kei, gyaru (kogal), ouji and lolita.

i love any love languages recieving tbh Maybe like words of affirmation I need lots of reminding that they R a willing participant of this Relationship. PERSONALLY i lvoe spending time and doing acts of service, im rlly Not an affectionate person so im probably not going to initiate physical contact and Im RLLY bad with words so im not probably going to do words of affirmation either .......

Hmmmm what else I love music. so much different types. breakcore, classical, eurobeat, game osts, pop rock, industrial metal, esp anything super weird and experimental.

jut stuff i likee would be active cities, being clean, good food, nighttime, CATS AND BUNNIES, pigeons<3, (i want to own a pet cat, bunnies and a pigeon lol), collecting things and baking

i DISLIKE dogs (despite being pretty dog-aligned by personality), my room having any sun in it, dirty/messy/gross ppl. i hatee violence sm I get uncomfortable hearing or seeing ppl/animals get hurt Its just gross and scary.

abt relationships ... I will die for my Partner i will straight up Fight someone for them. idc if they r bad person or if They did a crime rlly Thats so girlboss of them . I want to go out a lot on dates and stuff I dont wanna just go to the same places I want 2 explore and go to new places nd stuff. also Ermmm i dont rlly wanna Date someone shorter thn me Like. They just look like a child at that point..

thx :3 sawrry i wrote a lot lolz. lolll tyy So muh

A/N: Hello and thank you for your request! Don't worry about it being so long, the more information that I have to work with then the better! It only lets me get even more ideas for a match-up! Speaking of, I do hope that you like yours and enjoy!

Tw: None

I match you with.........

Ritsu Sakuma

From one vampire to another, you both are quite literally made for each other in that regard. He sees you and he can feel warmth flooding through his ice cold veins, how the moonlight illuminates your figure makes you look just ethereal. He is stunned into silence but soon regains himself and Ritsu can't help but to approach you.

Now given his sleeping patterns, it is a little hard for the both of you to meet up for any kind of outings, these would mostly be happening later in the evening and into the night given his aversion to sunlight, but he manages to work his schedule just right between his unit work and when he sleeps. He will always make time for you.

Another cat lover! Perhaps the both of you would like to go to a cat cafe for one of your dates? It would be something that he would find both enjoyable and relaxing, especially if you get to be there with him.

His schedule is quite busy sometimes given the work he has with his unit, Knights, but if you would like, you could always join him when they have practices and lives. Honestly, the thought of you being in the crowd and cheering him on makes this young vampire smile.

Speaking of his unit, the others absolutely adore you and they protect their own, and given that they now see you as one of their own, they will protect you just as you protect Ritsu. It is what a Knight does, after all.

Ritsu is big on giving you those words of affirmation. He may not be too much of a talker, and he really isn't that down on himself, but he would never want you to be down on yourself. He wants you to know that he is committed to this relationship no matter what it takes.

Overall, two vampires are able to join each other under the light of the moon. It is something that he will always love. With your similar interests and hobbies, it just makes the time that you spend with one another so much better and so much sweeter.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW suicidal thoughts mention

i guess i just wonder if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on this. thanks in advance. i'm quint btw

my therapist keeps not-so-subtly suggesting I don't need therapy. even tho the weekly therapy appointment is one of the only things keeping me from killing myself. Like, i'm serious. its the only reason im not dead right now! i've told her about some of my issues but we've never really gone into depth about my suicidal thoughts and shit, even though i've mentioned it

but i'm starting to feel like i should just quit because she's started going "we can meet next week...unless, y'know, you've decided you're good now and want to focus on better things now!" every time and. maybe i'm wasting her time. like maybe i shouldn't be here. maybe i'm just depressed because i'm fucking sensitive over nothing(?? which i'm not sure about because she actually said my family issues were pretty bad and my trauma was fairly severe?) and i need to deal with it on my own instead of trying to shove it onto strangers. i dunno. i still get really suicidal sometimes and most weeks, the only thing keeping me going is knowing i'll have someone to talk to who isn't going to tell me to shut up or that i'm being overdramatic or just need to learn to "deal with it." but i really just don't know. is this a situation where i should just take my therapists not-so-subtle hinting despite the suicidal shit or??? any thoughts?

Hi Quint,

I'm so sorry that you've been going through this.

I would say that it's completely up to you, but if you feel that your therapist is not the person to minimize your experiences or shut you down, it may be worth bringing up next session, just saying "Hey, I feel like you don't want to see me because you say x but I'm still struggling with y and z" and then hopefully be able to have an open conversation about what your therapist may mean by these things, as well as what you'd like to get out of therapy. I think it may be worth explaining the depth of your suicidal thoughts so your therapist can have a better understanding of what you're going through and what your needs are.

I think it's important that you feel wanted or valued in the therapeutic relationship, especially with everything you're going through right now. I don't think it would be beneficial for your mental health to stop seeing this therapist while you're feeling suicidal, but ultimately this is something to discuss with someone who knows you personally, like your therapist.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[summertimeskinney]

lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye

[ramblingvents]

Ramble

2024 has been such a weird year for me personally. Its kinda been the year where all of the maladaptive coping skills that I knew on some level were unsustainable stopped working.

Throughout a lot of school, I slept 6 hours or less. I could only do work at the last minute, out of fear of failure rather than love for learning. This somehow got me 3/4 of the way through a Physics degree before I got seriously burnt out from over-exerting myself (which people had been warning me about since highschool).

This was the year I finally got treatment for ADHD (tho I realized that Adderall makes me unable to sleep). It was the year I started getting treatment for migraines because it had reached a breaking point.

Last year during Fall semester was the first time I talked about the suicidal ideation that I've had for a decade with anyone. I refused to make a safety plan at that time because I didn't want to worry my friends/partner/parents. I wasn't able to see my therapist due to insurance after December. This is only relevant to this year because I eventually got out of the depressive episode, swore it wouldn't happen again, made an AITA post on whether I should make a safety plan and then proceeded to mostly ignore it. It got bad again in March. I told one of my friends and it was the first time I told anyone close to me. And I think talking about it and coming to her for help actually ended up making our friendship closer.

Around that time though, I was once again taking on too much because I promised a friend I'd do a project I knew I wasn't capable of. I was still sleeping 4 hours, dissociating in all of my classes, and then one of my grandparents died and I spiraled into the worst depressive episode of my life. I had days where I couldn't remember basic course material or even my name for like an hour at one point when I was really sleep deprived. I ended up almost attempting at the end of April, stopped at the last minute. Then proceeded to not tell any one that had happened, and went to another state for an internship for 3 months.

At the internship, I was trying really hard to be agreeable to everyone and people-pleasing and then had my coworkers exclude me for being autistic (literally had someone ask me that as soon as a senior scientist left the car on a road trip) for pretty much the whole summer. I definitely think some of this was me not really being in a good place anyway, but it was really difficult because I have RSD, I didn't have a car, so I had to walk like 45 minutes each way for groceries.

And then my project didn't work because I couldn't get the program to install on the thing it was supposed to for reasons that weren't my fault and I had to install and reinstall it effectively like 20-30 times, while my program director got mad at my mentor, before completely isolating myself in my room and doing the entire project in 2 weeks.

And like I think that was the first time I really internalized that you cannot make people like you and at a certain point people-pleasing to people who don't like you for reasons out of your control is just hurtful to yourself.

Anyway I had a whole breakdown at the end of that internship even though I did learn a lot and then started school like a week later and decided to take 18 credit hours. I also reached out and got accomodations for the first time but they didn't end up going into effect until late October so not the most helpful. I was really hoping to do well this semester to like 'make up' for grades in other classes, and I thought the ADHD meds and treatment would fix everything, but I've ended up burning out really hard, partially because I think the Adderall caused mania like symptoms (couldn't sleep more than 4 hours for like 3-4 weeks, keep missing homework, but like I didn't care and felt relatively euphoric and was barely aware of anything till I stopped taking it at week 8). Also because I was trying to "lock in" and didn't socialize with people as much as I should of.

I did as much as I could accomodations wise to get reduced course load for next semester and looked into a leave of absence if I need it. I also started seeing a therapist for ADHD management, was completely honest about suicidal ideation from the start and haven't lied or omitted anything in any of our sessions, which ended up being really useful because it meant that when the ideation did come back due to insomnia I had a safety plan and coping techniques, and she could monitor me when I started an antidepressant mid-semester. Also worth noting that everyone I was super close to graduated last semester, so having that support was really helpful.

That actually ended up turning well and I'm finally at a place where I'm stable though still having some depressive symptoms and difficulty sleeping/focusing. My grades are not good this semester but I have reduced course load, I'm going to take an extra year, and I'm gonna try to figure out how to do college in a way that's more sustainable and where I can retain the content better.

Also importantly I realized that the ideation is more a symptom of a need that's unmet for me. Like it didn't start back up until I was sleep deprived and unable to focus on my classes.

Very mixed bag of "a lot of things happened that were kinda festering for a while and got triggered by too many events" and "I'm actually starting to get help for my chronic illnesses and mental health, even if I haven't made a lot of progress yet". It could have gone a lot worse and I'm grateful to have gotten the support I have.

[111raismess]

23/11 （´＿｀）

shitty ass day

notes: imma add a mentally/emotionally uhh title? idk youll know what im talking about once you see it wtv. everything i do is a cry for help

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────••─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────••─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

selfcare:

i did my morning skincare, i think, i dont really remember lol.

ate like crap today, ate too little at lunch, merendé like shit aswell, atleast i had a full dinner, kinda, im still a little hungry but i dont feel like cooking any longer. i didnt really have much apetite today, could be the fact that i woke up feeling like shit or my body simply didnt want to eat so much today, who knowss.

didnt shower, lotioned or drank water, maybe tomorrow.

also i havent exercised in two days, might do it tonight if i dont fall asleep soon. makes me feel bad if i dont, i noticed.

⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆

daylife (imma keep it like that) :

fell asleep at like 4 am and woke up at 11-12. not soo bad like yesterday but still, i need to fix my sleep schedule..

i deepcleaned my room, the floor in my room hasnt seen a mop in like a year, kinda yucky but idc. my back hurts now ˙◠˙

played the guitar today for a few minutes!! i havent picked it up in months, im trying to learn bulls in the bronx with my guy stuart.

after that i took a nap, then i wonder why im not sleepy at this hour.

didnt leave the house today but since i kept myself busy i didnt feel like i was missing out on life or whatever.

despite having the worst motivation today, i didnt rot in bed and i also cooked dinner for me today, guess i feel happy about that. i really didnt feel like doing anything today, im proud (˶◜ᵕ◝˶)

⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆

emotionally/mentally:

woke up feeling like shit for no reason, if i didnt have the will to not go back into the depression hole i would have stayed all day in bed and asleep. still, i distracted myself most of the day but right now that im not doing anything, i feel like shit again, i want to cry but i cant, time to watch a silent voice again hehe. i feel like im distancing myself from my friends lately even tho i know thats not true, everything is literally the same and fine. i also feel anxious abt next year, i dont know if ill be with my friends at school, i really dont want to go back to being alone, i really really dont, i dont know what to do abt that, guess ill just have to wait and see, maybe i get some new friends or something, i dont know, dont want to think abt it that much, feels horrible. its really funny because yesterday i felt fine, felt happy, normal idk, i dont get why i feel like this today.. whatever, itll pass and whatever happens next year ill be alright, it wont be the end of the world, i still have things to look up for ig.

⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆

wtv this is:

i dont really feel like writing or making this thing look pretty today. im currently rewatching mha, i really want to see season 5 bc its where i left it a few years back, im at the end of season 4 but i really REALLY dislike the episodes with gentle and.. endeavor.. (≖_≖), and kinda the whole season altogether, cant believe its taking me weeks to finish it.. i just want to see katsuki in his winter costume fufufu (๑•́ -•̀)

song of the day or wtv idk:

this is seriously a cry for help atp

[lorestory0]

yall i know the daydream imagination thing going on is really good when i start spacing out and staring at nothing while absentmindedly biting some skin off my face.

no idea why but happiness causes me some sort of "hurt myself" response.

like, if the music im listening to is really good i may faceplant onto the closest surface, start contorting into weird shapes, and make some funny sounding noises. and its probably either really hilarious or disturbing to anyone who might witness such a thing.

if im absentmindedly enjoying whatever the heck i got going on in my mind i may bite myself. (usually imagining whatever anime character im currently obsessed with in some kind of situations with storyline and stuff that can last many days until i get bored and want a different storyline) will i spit blood on the floor without knowing why? perhaps. but am i feeling depressed like i often do? nope. not at all. im still just watching a brand new nonexistant anime episode and cant be bothered by whatever motivated me to do the biting myself in the face.

its really cool when i use this imagination to turn singleplayer games into "multiplayer without social anxiety" and i just play as whatever anime character, using imagination to change entire storyline in games.

(coming up with reasons why i have to use a bow when im playing as a sword wielder is an annoying challenge. especially when i actually like using a sword better. its just that im swinging at the air in front of me because i have no depth perception and bows have this convenient thing in the middle of the screen to help me know where the projectiles gonna land. if i had less lag tho, that wouldnt be an issue because i actually do have pretty fast reaction time. oops now i wanna play skyrim)

yes my face is bleeding. dont ask. im probably watching anime that no one else is aware of and its getting really good and i dont have much experience feeling joy at that level and dont really know how to properly express it. stuff just happens without any thought as to why, but i have noticed the blood on the floor and the bites on my face do seem to happen when i get really really happy so im not complaining.

joy is rare. imma just take the blood with the good.

as long as im not spitting blood on my toys or video games its okeedokie.

besides, my response to fear and extreme stress is even worse. and dont get me started on that one time i asked a question on the internet about why the fridge new computer mouses and keyboards hurt me and people called me names and thought i was making it up.

i would not be using these old stinky used keyboards and mouse if it werent for the headache i get from new stuff for several years now like howd it wake me up from deep slumber without me even knowing i got a new keyboard????? these old ones are stinky, really hard to find, and expensive. and worst of all, in limited supply.

and i dont really have a choice since i get some weird weakness when im bored somehow and i get weak enough to be cut by toothpaste when normally my annoyingly tough skin sometimes gotta use a knife to scratch the really bad itches. (gotta use really sharp scissors to cut my rock like fingernails and toenails too what even am i???)

the asking of the serious question on the internet just to getting name called is the reason for at least 1 scar in less than a hour.

i have no scars from happiness injuries. scars look neat tho. i got some neat claw shape scratches from a stress response. but i still definitely prefer happiness.

my response to being happy used to make me jump up and down. im trying to get back to that but its difficult. the abusive high school teacher would always punish me during the few times id get happy about something during school and i am out of that habit.

teacher would always say the same "preparing me for the real world" whenever the being punished for blinking too long. and the being punished whenever it rained because it messed up my hair that i was being forced to wash despite the water bill. and the punishing me for crying or showing emotion. i still cant even hear my name without crying. there my reason for fear of people, but behind a screen its a bit easier as long as i dont see the person because the sight of people scares me too. exept anime people the fear response doesnt see them as people. especially the ones i like.

i cant even hear whistling without something in my mind tryna convince me the torturers are doing it on purpose to "desensitize" even if its a anime person. of course they frearfing arent trying to cause me pain its a random anime character who doesnt even know me because its anime, like what the flop, brain. not that i want them to know me that would make the imagination really awkward

too bad emotional scars arent visible because id have some really big ones that probably have some cool chaotic pattern or something.

i dont hurt myself intentionally but when it leaves a scar it at least looks cool

[hazelcephalopod]

Alright it’s insomnia posting time. I am now half way through Preacher aka the end of season 2 -so however far along you consider that to be. Here’s my thoughts as much as I can coherently relay as of now (I will be using video game metaphors)-

Season one truly does feel like what was meant to be a short tutorial level but developers quickly realized once it hit play testers they had included too much and no one wanted to leave. Therefore they had to force you to leave by blowing up the entire town and 99% of the characters you had grown to care about.

I too would have fallen in love with Tulip bc a) Ruth Negga; b) she’s just the coolest most badass messy women ever.

Jesse is not a good preacher and it is so fucking funny. He’s not terrible, he tries, but he’s just not.

Im gonna stay mad at the insane messy throuple vibes forever. (Do they have the communication skills? Would it be good? Probably not and also maybe that’s one of the reasons it’s so interesting.)

those Angels were fucking right Genesis is not good for a person to have in them. Like it’s clear from the beginning and only gets clearer as time goes on.

All I have to say about Eugene is this poor boy deserves none of this.

this show loves side quests.. Killer of Saints did go somewhere. But. Where it the hell side plot going? (More under the cut)

I think that firmly brings us to season two. Aka. The story kicks off. aka “Jesse having just learned god is missing decides he will find him because that is what the power is for.” (Despite being told it is in fact just the offspring of a demon and Angel that, got out of its prison? Nursery? Sanctuary?)

The second season is basically the main quest needs to be explored but mainly in fetch quests. Meanwhile the player needs most of the parts involving Tulip and Cass so they get the “bad (midpoint) ending”. It’s also apparently an “I’m going to join the evil group despite all evidence that I should not” play through. (I’m ok with this actually it’s just I find putting it that way funny)

Aka. All of these people are very traumatized and secretive. Problems ensue.

On the one hand I get that Cass is probably written as having like attachment issues and stuff. On the other I am reading it fully as he just fell in love with these weirdos and assumes that’s probably not on the table at all but will take whatever he can get.

Tulip deserves far better imho. Just in every aspect of life and storyline.

Jesse clearly suffering from trauma with some symptoms of mania triggered by the immense and inhuman power thrust upon him. Also the severe guilt being reignited by just about the most severe crises of faith. (I’m gonna be real honest I have some half formed thoughts on his trauma, depression, and quite possibly mania)

We all knew Dennis was not going to go well I think and it somehow did go worse. That was not just tragedy but utterly brutal as well in a way that surprised me. Truly believe Cass is probably holding back most of the time -in fact I’m pretty sure it’s firmly implied in the text. So hopefully that goes somewhere.

Jesse the grandson of the swamp witch who does black magic and maybe… voodoo? (I’m sorry that woman looks way to white for that but I admit I’m not well versed in that particular tradition so I will not say more; the show seems to be more focusing in her just being a witch?) (great cutscenes tho)

After they get to new Orlesns the show really becomes “Jesse finds a new cult led by a fascist asshole and uh. Everyone else has fucked up misadventures which Jesse doesn’t appear to even notice most of unless it directly applies to him.” (Aka we are off the group main quest here’s a bunch of individual side quests, decisions matter despite appearing completely unrelated. Will you talk to each other? Btw they do not)

I would be surprised if Jesse remembered who Dennis was by the end tbh. He was not paying attention to anything after they got rid of the Saint of Killers imho with his partners. At the very least I believe it was the last thing he was thinking about.

I am saying partners -yes I am shipper scum get over it- Bc they basically are presented as such by the end of this season. The vibes very much are “bordering on divorce” by the end of the season. Tulip and Cass break up with Jesse, in a diner for joining a weird cult and not paying enough attention to them and being extremely selfish. They are correct imho.

Again Tulip deserves better than this. (Spoiler- I know she gets better. Still. Also I’d have loved to see whoever Jesse actually explained -or perhaps didn’t- his plan to Cass)

they are getting so so divorced broken up and tbh. fair.

“I hate you” delivered in the most… truly trying to just hate him and not being able to way imho.

time for under the cut stuff

So the big points here are- does Preacher deal with fascists and specifically Nazis well? Tbh, I’m not sure it does but I’ve seen much worse.

First we have Herr Starr who is at minimum an authoritarian and I would go as far to say fascist. I’d go as far to say the Grail is heavily fascist leaning. Most of the Grail is just embarrassingly incompetent. Whereas Herr Starr despite the “funny problems” -tbh I was not really amused personally by “lol one of the idiot agents though he wanted a gay gang bang”. Its 2017 why? Who was like “yea let’s do that”. (I have several guesses) Anyway to put it very simply I think he’s just a bit… too cool? Now I admit his main character traits seem to be a deeply selfish desire for power for himself perhaps? I still think he’s a fascist but maybe other have a different read and I’m willing to hear it I guess?

Hitler. Why is he here? Is this necessary? On the other hand it’s a bold move and I could see them doing some subversive and cathartic stuff with him but I admit my own bias of having a strong disgust factor over… just the character. However he sucks, and everyone else except the nicest naivest person in hell agrees, which makes it tolerable.

[kisssssessssssyj]

next week i finally have my very first psychiatrist appointment. It‘s mainly so I can get my meds prescribed (I‘m living off of scraps rn it feels like) but I really feel like I have a bunch to talk about.

kinda tw//death, sa, knifes and all that shit I dont wanna have this all open 😭

We can start with the fact that I‘m still super depressed from my mom‘s death, so sad I haven‘t even processed my grandma’s death yet. I still often feel like she‘s still alive I just dont see her as much.

Then my emmetophobia definetly, this phobia forbids me from eating on some days. I have frequent panic attacks when I‘m outside trying to meet people.

adding to that, I dont have any friends. I try to meet ppl irl and I get a panic attack and just leave, that is super embarrassing. I also get bullied at school even tho I‘m a fucking adult idk how that keeps happening to me.

then i need to recover from being sa‘d multiple times, thats something I havent even told many people cuz I‘m actually kinda embarrassed of it all :// I hate that I am

I also need to recover from that year long friendship that ended cuz my friend has a disorder she cant control. I‘m so sad she left my life even tho she has been the girl that came at me with a knife once. I know her diagnosis and I know so much about her that makes me think there is so much more. I wish she was still my friend and I wish we could ever find a way to match again

I especially need to learn how to trust people, anyone nice to me I feel like is just there to backstab me, like when classmates outed me as jewish infront of my classe‘s neo nazi. I‘m always scared to post on the internet cuz I think people will know its me.

actual intrusive thoughts haunt me, not those „oh lemme throw my sandwich at him“ but holding a knife is so scary to me cuz what if I accidentally stab someone??? adding to that I have this thing that when my wrists and neck arent coverd I feel so anxious (??) I‘ve had this since elementary school, it‘s kinda the only thing i remember from my time then but, when I dont wear a watch or a turtleneck i have to cover my wrists and neck because i literally feel like I‘m about to die. (it‘s not a constant thing but definitely often)

i dont sh anymore or have any thoughts of wanting to die and that I‘m very proud of but those arent the only symptoms of any disorder. I‘ve only ever been diagnosed with adhd, (dyslexia and dyscalculia) and depression but I know there is way more, especially do I think that I have autism since my symptoms go beyond just adhd.

now on a happier note and talking about adhd, my friend thinks he has adhd aswell (no diagnosis but me with my knowledge can definitely tell) and he talks about not wanting to take meds or anything, not cuz he feels like they’re bad or anything but because he has found a work place where he can work just like that and doesnt need that help of meds, I kinda felt like sharing cuz I‘m proud of him :3 thats my goal in life, finding a job in which I can work without any sort of meds <3

this was a long ass talk that could also be put in a diary but eh I’m not buying one and notes app is reserved for actual important things (like school work and appointments) tumblr is my personal diary.

thinking about it, I should maybe buy a diary and also write in it in German so I dont loose my skills (dyslexia affects mostly German for some reason I’m pretty good at English writing)

so i talked wayyyyyy too much but idc, if you read it all which i doubt cuz no one is on my blog, lmk cuz ily🙏😔😍

[blkkizzat]

Happy Thursday 😊

Omggg i love that idea of reader being engaged maybe to Naoya (ik he nasty but him and his bleached hair and tight black shirt does things to me)

STOPPP THE PTSD I GOT FROM PLUG!CHOSO WAS SO DELICIOUSSSS like fr i need to send you a whole ass book report on how that fic made me see colors i didnt know existed because 😵‍💫 its my weakness when the angst only affects the male character and not the reader HDJSKSKA i been suffer too much in my life to want to read about a fictional me suffered so why not ruin a fictional man's life 🤷‍♀️ that fic came to me at a good time because honestly i was spiraling a bit over some fic i shldnt have read where reader was this pushover who got cheated on (and then threw her virginity to the man who cheated on her 💀)and i had to nope outta there so fast bc that personally aint for me, thats why im saying i looove your bimbo reader and like, she aint takin shit- she causing it 😂

Otaku!Gojo wasn't incel coded to me at all btw, in case i said smth that made you think otherwise 😭 he gen seemed like just his goofy ass self i love him so much. Also semi rare opinion but I like the virgin gojo fics because I really do think as much as gojo is such an extroverted little bug, he really does have his walls up on who he lets in emotionally 🥲 I feel like he might even have some internalized "well im not gonna date or fuck around because i dont want to drag anyone into my ugly world" hsjsjks idk i just feel like he might force himself to be lonely because he takes his responsibility seriously. Aughhhh, especially if he's in love with reader? I feel like man would be in the friendzone for years, be the best man at her wedding, and live and die loving herrrr 😭 im delulu but its just so loverboy gojo to me hehe. Also omg I have so many requests I wanna make before they close but honestly I'm secondhand exhausted from reading all the fics you already got going on LMAO

p.s your about the editor- ummmm excuse me???? YOU'RE SO GODDAMN PRETTY!!!! Like you gen have doe eyes and flawless skin I'm so jelly. Also i love the gloves w the dress 😍. You didn't ask but visually i would ship you with toji 😤 yall would have that bonnie and clyde hitman x bad bitch aesthetic going on !!

🍒 nonnie

🍒 nonny!!!! hi babes you doing good today???

LOL i totally feel you though, i wanna hate naoya so bad and then i be finding myself hate reading naoya x reader fics with a hand in my panties he's such a lil worm tho 😭

LMFAO listen i have that nicki quote in my m.list for a reason. tryna give these men trauma fr 😩. i want them absolutely SICK over us LOL! i totally get that, i hate when its a really well written fic too cause im like damn i wanna read more but i dont wanna be in my bed depressed tomorrow dkhsfliahsd.

but i feel like authors always come out a bit in our work, im definitely bimbo/brat reader. i do not take shit from these dudes irl so im not about to write reader getting cheated on or played unless reader is about to go scorched earth gone girl on their asses lmfao. like entire lives ruined lol.

also omg, yes, yes, yes. i totally agree about gojo. i actually think hes very emotionally stunted in canon, as its suggested by him, geto and sukuna in later chapters that being the strongest comes with isolation so growing up with so much expectations i feel as gojo sees himself as disconnected from others. in AUs i feel like this can manifest in him becoming more isolated. i almost feel like he's an extroverted introvert. that he probably feels more used to being isolated but still feels that need for connection. so yes friendzone for years. omg (not you making me feel bad for this man now lmfao).

You can make more if you want! like idk when im gonna get to everything cause im at the mercy of my adhd but honestly with all the fics i do have and these requests i think im pretty solid until the end of the year lmfaooo.

ALSO OMFGFGFGFGF you gonna make me cry whaaaat. tysm!! i went to a charity auction for my mba program. i work from home and im legit in a bonnet and an anime shirt 80% of the time so when i have the chance to glam up i really like to do that! ALSO WHAT!? GET OUT OF MY BRAIIIIN LOL!! So i thought of this one selfship, that i was going to make into toji x reader that was pretty much bonnie and clyde kinda relationship. but i didnt really know where the fic was going besides us causing general chaos and being super downbad for each other haha.

but omfg tsym for the long beautiful ask you're so sweet omfgbsjdbasdkj id die for you 🍒 anon you da best pookies!

[chronicallyillphoenix]

My psych says that i am emotionally dissociated and this is the reason that in the past 6+ months i have actually felt a single emotion. The rest of the time i feel nothing. Absolute apathy. I get physical sensations of emotions (like tight chest when i would usually feel anxious, widespread tension/pain when i would feel angry, sinking chest and nausea when i would usually feel sad) but i dont actually *feel* the emotions. I have been explaining it like how it feels when getting a cavity fixed, the dentist numbs up the tooth so you dont feel the actual pain, but you still experience the physical sensations like the vibrations, smell, and scraping. She says its because i am still living with my ex and even tho we are friends, i still havent been given the chance to step back and actually let myself process all of my feelings.

Thats probably one of the reasons i am just now realizing im probably really depressed. Which would make A LOT of sense given a lot of the things that have happened in the past 6 months. Like. I broke up with my fiance the same day i got the money for a deposit for a wedding venue, i have lost not one, but three of my cats. And i never got to tell any of them bye because they live with my parents and even tho i didnt want them living outside, i didnt get a voice in the matter since i no longer lived there and the house went from my 2 parents, to 4 adults and a baby and they just didnt have room. Two of them were just really old and we think they did the animal thing and just went off somewhere to die alone and it *hurts* because the first one to go was my favorite because of how sweet he was and who i always slept with in my arms when i would visit (i have struggled so hard to spend the night there with him gone). But once he was gone the other two were gone within the next two months and none of them were expected (like we knew bandit and bunnie were old but we expected to them to pass away inside the cat pen where they stayed every night like every barn cat before them had and that way we could bury them up on the hill, but it didnt turn out that way). I have also developed more concerning health symptoms and have gotten no answers to them. And now my mom has broken her shoulder and isnt going to be able to work for the next 3 months and even tho shes getting workers comp, her pay is significantly less and shes my sole source of income right now. And so i am always already feeling guilty about spending any money but now i feel worse about it and am having panic attacks because i got fast food once this week because i was flaring too bad to make anything myself even tho my mom gives me money *specifically* so i can get food and stuff when i am in a flare.

But yeah i have realized i am almost certainly depressed and the funny thing is that the way i realized this was a tumblr poll. It was asking what peoples hobbies were and i couldnt answer it because in the past year i havent really had anything hobby wise. Ive mostly stopped reading, i am not doing pour paintings, not doing my paracord stuff, and anytime i decide im going to finally start knitting i just end up picking up the yarn and staring at it for a bit before setting it back down and going back to sitting on the couch with the tv on in the background for background noise.

Im going to see my psych on wednesday and i hope to talk to her about this but i also dont know what there is to do about it. Probably raise my antidepressant but idk. Im not even sad so i dont see the point in raising my antidepressant because idk what being not depressed would change because were pretty sure the apathy is because of current circumstances and not just because of depression idk. I just want everything to be normal again