#chronically ill phoenix

[chronicallyillphoenix]

Have been going back to pt since mid january because walking for more than 5-10 minutes causes extreme pain in the side of the leg. Was going off the assumption that the problem was the leg muscle itself and we focused on that but it never started getting better. Wore an ankle brace of a walk the other day and the pain didnt happen even after 30 minutes. Did some tests at pt and turns out the problem is actually originating from the ankle so we are changing the program to focus on the ankle instead. Its a lot harder because the stretches actually cause the leg pain (when before they didnt really do much because it wasnt the actual problem) BUT i do think that this will actually get better now and in having hope again

[goodbyeapathy8]

I woke up

Everything hurts

Why

[mindmxtters]

also I would like to thank u all for ur patience while I was MIA for so long. I was, as the kids would say, Going Through It (tm)

[sergeantsporks]

[slaps the top of Phoenix’s curse] This bad boy can fit so many metaphors in it.

[laurensinclairsfleabagera]

hypothyroidism headcanons because I have it and I say so. I am medicated, but still tired and cold all of the fucking time

MINORI HANASATO FROM PJSK !!!!!!!

This is so important to me idc that I’m not hyperfixated on project sekai anymore. the kicker. She’s undiagnosed and doesn’t get the diagnosis until 17. so like. Id imagine the girls prompt her to get looked at for so long because she keeps complaining it’s cold even in the middle of fucking July or something, and even though she’s active as fuck, like being in an idol group and all, she’s still midsize.!! girl struggles to lose weight, at one point calls herself lazy or something when a fan points out her chub compared to the others, and she’s like :(((. haruka goes fucking insane at a fan over this. like she’s all like “SHUT UP. She’s trying her absolute hardest and I am ashamed you’re a fan of us.” ok so eventually this blows up and she talks about how even though she went to bed early and got 9 hours sleep, she’s still tired and falls asleep in class a lot. she also feels depressed and unmotivated and the girls are like. No we are dragging you to the doctors smth is not right here so when she goes up on the rooftop for “practice”, it turns out they’re doing the “no bullshit no disagreements” thing, her mum is on the rooftop because they told her everything that Minori didn’t because she didn’t wanna burden her mum,,, fast forward a few weeks, blood test results come back, she goes back to the doctors and gets diagnosed with hypothyroidism!!! The aftermath is haruka bringing blankets to practice so Minori can get warm after :,))

PHOENIX WRIGHT FROM ACE ATTORNEY.

There’s no canon evidence to support this one, I just kin him and I say so; so he has congenital hypothyroidism (he was born with it, like me) and he’s been on meds since like childhood, still a lil chubby (also me) so he’s “coping” ig. He’s still wearing multiple layers in the absolutely sunny japanifornia weather and complaining abt being cold and has multiple blankets in his office while he does case paperwork or whatever,,,, and past 18 he can afford to get them but shit doesn’t hit the fan until the seven year gap where he doesn’t have the insurance and it’s too expensive ,,, so his depression gets BAAAAAD and he’s falling asleep literally everywhere and he’s on like 12 cups of coffee a day and trucy and Apollo literally have to wake him up. Off of meds, his body health is not thriving, his heartbeat is doin zoomies and he only asks sugar daddy edgeworth for help when he has a whole ass seizure and the moment he finds out phoenix nearly fucking died he runs to the pharmacist and gets him a 6 month prescription of lethoroxyne and he stays with him for a month while he adjusts again. and he is now a midsize king with a dad bod.

[yourfriendphoenix]

Ough my stomach hurty :(

[speaknowslut13]

I love that on Tumblr I don’t have to try and limit my words. I can write long ass paragraphs and post. Shit I love this place.

Also I’m nauseous as fuck today and stressed out about finishing chemistry. The finish line is so close and I might actually pass this time. Maybe even with an A 😭

[chronicallyillphoenix]

Colonoscopy prep my beloathed 💔

[babyniigo]

hi gonna b more specific for my req ,

sleepy , chronically ill , dysphoric transboy little + puppy regressor tsukasa !! gentle , kinda chaotic ( silly chaotic ) cg rui who tsukasa calls bubby !! sawry if thats too specific um .. thats what me n rui are like in sys n i thought that this would be comforting 😭 /nf

Little! Tsukasa and CG! Rui ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ

Ahhh stress sleepy regressor Tsukasa always goes to Rui when he feels small, does grabby hands and Rui sweeps him into his arms! ໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -｡꒱ྀི১

I think even when Tsukasa goes non verbal cause he’s feeling really blue and down; but Rui cheers him up without words! ૮ ྀི◞ ⸝⸝ ◟ ྀིა

He swoops him up in his arms and spins around in circles, telling him what a cool Phoenix he is!!! ໒꒰ྀིᵔ ᵕ ᵔ ꒱ྀི১

Also he lays his baby boy in his lap and keeps blowing raspberries on his tummy or tickling him until Tsukasa is a giggly mess! ૮꒰⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝꒱ა

I think because of his chronic illness, Rui is extra coddling of Tsukasa! He likes to pick him up and carry him everywhere, likes to spoon feed him and loves to play with him gently because he doesn’t want to tire the baby out when he’s regressed!! ૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ₊˚⊹♡

When kasa is feeling dysphoric, I think Rui tends to change his baby boy into his own clothes, and when Tsukasa is dressed in his cgs oversized warm and cozy clothing, it soothes him! ૮ ˶´ ᵕˋ ˶ა

Plus plus!!! Rui gives him sooo many compliments

“Who’s this handsome prince! You look so so stunning my sweet boy!”

But sometimes!!! Tsukasa wants to pay back his cgs kindness; so he offers Rui his paci!

It’s so so cute!!! And Rui pats his head and praises him!

“Thank you bubby! What a good boy you are!! Rui’s bestest baby boy ever!”

They lob lob lob cuddling!!! Because Tsukasa is a sleep regressor, he just loves being cradled in Rui’s arms while his CG gently shushes him, coos at him, and rocks him from side to side to help the baby sleep (⸝⸝ᴗ﹏ᴗ⸝⸝) ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

Plus Tsukasa always is tucked safely in Rui’s arms for bedtime, having his paci in his mouth, his favorite star plushie!! And his cgs warm arms to soothe him to sleep ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚

[goodbyeapathy8]

Stomach is angry.

Why?

What did we do to you today??

We barely ate half a bagel???

[wangxianficfinder]

In the mood for...

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1. Hola! Hope you are doing well!🧡🧡🧡

I have smut wangxian itmf need where:

(wwx is all soft and vulnerable while they are doing their everyday and someone peeks or comes in and lwj gets all overprotective and angry something like the thousand autumns in the end chapters where they're making out and someone interrupts them)

Thank you!

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2. Are there any fics where Wei Ying is a phoenix?

a thousand hills, no birds in flight | 千山鳥飛絕 by defractum (nyargles) (E, 26k, WangXian, Mythology, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon adjacent setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort)

🔒 Soaring through the skies - together Series by Vrishchika (E/T, 15k, WangXian, Dragon LWJ, Phoenix WWX, Fantasy, Explicit Sexual Content, Double Penetration, Oral Sex, First Time, Getting Together, Non-Human Genitalia, Genius WWX, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV LWJ)

🔒 Breathing Firestorm by ladyshadowdrake (M, 110k, wangxian, Angst, Fluff, Captivity, WRH is creepy, NO NON CON, Dream Sharing, people put in difficult situations and making the best choices that they can, Politics, Epic Length, mystical creature WWX, Canon Typical Violence, dark, Happy Ending)

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3. Hi! (＾▽＾) this is for ITMF!

any fics were people think WWX really gave birth to A-Yuan? like in Assumptions by draechaeli?

Have a great day! (＾▽＾)

I’ll buy you the moon (I’ll buy you two) by Thesaurus_with_no_words (E, 27k, WangXian, Science Fiction, Space, Rebels, Space Opera, On the Run, Promoted To Parent, Robots, Androids, Mechs, Battle Mechs, Hurt/Comfort, Technopathy, Willful and Deliberate Baby and Wife Acquisition, Porn With Plot, Mpreg) LWJ thinks A-Yuan is his and WWX's

🔒 Blooming in white by luckymoonly (T, 38k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, WQ/MM, LXC/NMJ, JC/NHS, Canon Divergence, Mpreg, Getting Together, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, hidden pregnancy, Mutual Pining, Drama, Misunderstandings, Everyone Lives AU, Miscommunication, WWX and NHS are BFF, matchmaker NHS, Fix-It)

the old-fashioned way by Anonymous (T, 1k, WangXian, Body Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Mpreg, Trans MXY, body fluids, references to canon suicide, this is a funny crack ficlet, despite the rest of the tags, trans wwx, Post-Canon, Transphobia mentioned, Trans Male Character) is short but really funny, one of my favorites

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4. Hello! I've read quite some "Modern!Wei Wuxian meets Canon!Lan Wangji" fics, and I loved the idea so much, but now I'm wondering, is there any fics with same theme but reverse? Modern Lwj stumbling upon cultivation world or something? More recs for first one are also welcome 😁💖 @dream-xv-eater

Double Trouble by SirenAlpha (T, 25k, WangXian , Time Travel, Dimension Travel, Fix-It) has (modern AU) LWJ, WWX, and JC ending up in canon. including meeting the canon version of themselves

Echoes of Love by Witch_Nova221 (M, 212k, WangXian, Modern AU, Eventual Romance, Time Travel, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, university lecturer LWJ, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, Dark BSSR, Amnesia, Memory Loss, 1980s music, LWJ loves all things 80s, Oxford vs Cambridge, Boat Race, References to Torture, Murder, Blood and Injury, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mystery) I've only just started this but it fits the prompt. Wwx has amnesia

take me back to a time by DizziDreams (T, 143k, WangXian, Modern AU, College/University, Modern with Magic, Time Travel, Sharing a Bed, Angst with a Happy Ending, Student!WWX, Time-Traveling Wizard!LWJ, Slow Burn, Character Death, Angstreference to abuse, Canonical Character Death, Canonical Abuse, Canon!LWJ, Canon-Typical Violence, Mutual Pining, Chronic Illness, Not A Fix-It, Case Fic, implied 3zun, Transmigration, America, [Podfic of] take me back to a time by dreamhazer) I've also got canon!LWJ ending up in a modern AU (with modern!wwx)

不忘 | Don't Forget by dragongirlG (E, 50k, WangXian, Modern AU, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Reincarnation, Fix-It of Sorts, Identity Porn, Social Media, Reunions, Family, Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Bondage, References to Canon, Artist WWX, Sexual Content, Pining, POV Multiple, Additional Warnings In Author's Note) and canon!WWX ending up in a modern au (with modern... everybody else more or less)

🔒YEYE NONCONNED A TWINK?!?!?! (How Lan Wangji's Vent Account Became Twitter Famous) by Pancho (M, 7k, wangxian, time travel fix-it, post-first siege of burial mounds, violence, blood, dub con, implied/referenced character death, crack treated seriously, PTSD, happy ending) sort of, LWJ is immortal so they know each other already but WWX does meet his modern grandnephew (?) also named lwj

Wrong Turn, Right Place by diamondbruise (E, 71k, WangXian, Time Travel, kind of, it’s more reality travel but there’s modern wwx and cultivator lwj, Mutual Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Jealousy, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Misunderstandings, Cultural Differences) oops just realized you asked for modern lwj meets cultivator wwx and not the opposite lol sorry

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5. Itmf a fic where, u know how in *out of context SPOILER** 12 moons and a fortnight wwx has a big dress to impress treat yourself moment with nhs?**end spoiler** any fics with a similar vibe to that scene, where there's a big dress-up statement moment

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6. Itmf a fic that made you learn something new. Maybe it was a cool vocab word, or a character used an instrument you'd never heard of, or contained details about an unfamiliar skill set, or made you consider something in a new way, etc. Tell us what you learned! I read a fic where ghost wwx played the hurdy gurdy in cr to juniors (forgot title, help!) & now it's one of my fav instruments.

For the Love of Quilting by Scrippio (T, 5k, WangXian, Modern: No Powers, Quilt Shop AU, First Meeting, Getting Together, Fluff) this fic taught me a lot abt quilting !!

KILF (Knits I'd Like To Fuck in) by ScarlettStorm (E, 168k, wangxian, modern, sex work, fiber arts, 2nd in series) taught a lot about knitting along with giving me a bit of an interest in it

Gentle Exile by rynleaf (E, 9k, SL/LXC, Post-Canon, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, References to Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst, All deaths in canon happen I'm SORRY, Character Study, Epistolary, Post-Canon Exploration, Podfic by flamingwell, semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona)) LanLan, not Wangxian, and maybe this wasn't what OP was asking about, but the writing style of this one is so creative in how it uses written structure and formatting that it made me have to get CRAZY inventive and learn a TON of new skills to figure out how to translate that to an audio medium when I was podficcing it!

Into the Depths by elytchaeke (T, 47k, WangXian, Modern AU, Cave Diving, Slow Burn, not that slow, Speluncaphobia, Claustrophobia, Descriptions of Corpses, Drowning, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Sharing Body Heat, The Inherent Eroticism of Wordless Communication, Corpse Handling) It taught me a lot about cave diving, specifically safety practices, exploration regulations, and (somewhat morbidly) the process for retrieving the body of anyone who attempted a dive and didn't make it back. The au is fun, putting wangxian into this specific field together

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7. intmf some preferably short, preferably cannon verse E rated fics with wangxians canon bedroom dynamics? @chellsky

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8. Looking for any and all hallmark aus for the holiday season. I'm not really picky about tropes. I love them all. I just want them to be overwhelmingly fluffy and sweet and remind me of the magic of Christmas or any other winter holiday. @leahlisabeth

Ornaments Under the Stars by trippednfell (M, 57k, wangxian, Modern, Inspired by Hallmark Christmas Movies, the wangxian Hallmark Movie AU no one asked for, plot and title were randomly generated, Kidfic, Disabled Character, debilitating injury as substitute for missing golden core, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst with a Happy Ending, Guest starring Lan Zhan's sky blue coat, The Coat deserves its own tag, disordered eating habits - not a major plot point, WIP) is a great WIP

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9. any fic where instead of accepting the whipping LWJ just leaves the sect? @chellsky

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10. ITMF where there are multiple Wei Wuxian’s? Like duplicates/clones. I LOVE “🔒 worm moon” by serein and it got me thinking how fun two (or more!) Wei Wuxian’s could be. Imagine Lan Qiren having to deal with multiple Wei Wuxian’s running around Cloud Recesses and disrupting the peace lolol. Thank you for any recs you can give!

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11. Fics where Lan Sizhui is biologically wangxian’s??

you can have the best of me, baby by stiltonbasket (Not rated, 12k, wangxian, JYL & WWX & JC, LXC/NMJ, Canon Divergence, Pre-Relationship, or that one where wangxian are trapped in the xuanwu's cave and use dual cultivation to get out, Dual Cultivation, Accidental Baby Acquisition, Sunshot Campaign, Getting Together, a-yuan is wangxian's baby, Happy Ending, WIP)

🔒 If Wishes Were Donkeys by NightOwl1 (M, 101k, WIP, WangXian, SVSSS, Time Travel Fix-It, Case Fic, Mpreg, Fluff and Humor, Dysfunctional Jiāng Family, Bad Parent YZY, WangXian Get a Happy Ending,   Period-Typical Homophobia, Crossdressing, LWJ and WWX Have a Breeding Kink, It’s All The System’s Fault, Post-Canon, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Warning: JGS, Good Uncle LQR, LWJ and WWX Are LSZ’s Parents, Inappropriate Humor, Family Feels)

my heart to your beat series by larkspur_9 (T, 21k, WangXian, Modern AU, Single Parent LWJ, Celebrity WWX, Trans Male Character, Trans LWJ, Fluff and Angst, (but mostly fluff), Kid Fic, WWX and LWJ are A-Yuan’s biological parents)

In which Lan Qiren eavesdrops and gets a new nephew (and grandnephew) out of it by h0peless_oblivion (M, 64k, wangxian, LQR & WWX, LQR & LWJ, Modern, High School AU, A/B/O, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Mpreg, Teen Pregnancy, Shotgun Wedding, Good Uncle LQR, Madam Yu's A+ Parenting, WWX almost gets disowned for getting knocked up, But the Lans take him in, Fluff and Angst, Family Feels, Unspecified Setting, WWX Has ADHD, A-Yuan is Wangxian's son, Pregnant WWX, Humor, non-graphic birth, Family Drama, The Lans love wwx, Male Lactation, Mild Smut in later chapters, wangxian's canonical breeding kink, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, WIP)

🔒 Treats by Prince_kun (G, <1k, wangxian, LWJ & LSZ & WWX, Domestic Fluff, Trick or Treating, Child LSZ, Pregnant WWX, Short & Sweet, Soft wangxian, Family Feels, Mpreg, Wangxian Are LSZ's Parents, LSZ being the cutest thing ever in existence)

Lan Sizhui's forehead ribbon by I_have_a_fleet_of_ships (T, 1k, wangxian, LSZ & WWX, Married Wangxian, Established Wangxian, Wangxian Are LSZ's Parents, WWX is LSZ's Parent, Oblivious LWJ, Gūsū Lán Forehead Ribbon, Good Uncle LQR, Fluff, Light Angst, Post Mpreg, Post-Canon)

🔒🧡 Many Lan babies Series by LuckyMoonly (Varied, 396k, WIP, WangXian, Story collection, Mpreg, Pregnant WWX only, Family Fluff, Found Family, Kid fics)

OP can try the specific tag for LSZ being WX's kid in specific

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12. Itmf for fics like Linearly above by covalentbonds, I am really intrigued to see wangxian in their parents era😄

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13. Itmf where I really wanna see Wwx being manhandled possibly post guanyin temple events and lwj getting angry or getting protective 🩵🩵🩵🩵 Thank you!

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14. I know it's not really a trope in this fandom, but itmf any 'boys in chains' recs. if it's got a good scene where a wangxian individual is tied up, restrained, locked up, shackled, or otherwise restricted for excellent angst purposes, I'm bound to like it!

dew drops on petals by jalpari (E, 17k, WangXian, Canon Universe, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Bottom LWJ/Top WWX, Tentacle Monsters, WWX Has a Secret, LWJ Finds Out And is very into it, Getting Together) this involves lwj being restrained by a baddie & wwx rescuing him

To lurk, to lie in wait by trippednfell (M, 124k, WangXian, Modern with Magic, Huli Jing, strangers to co-parents to lovers, Strangers to Lovers, Dragons, Kid Fic, teenage juniors, background NieLan, Angst with a Happy Ending, Case Fic, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Not Really Character Death, Fox Spirit WWX, Dragon LWJ, Blood and Injury, Additional Warnings In Author’s Note) WWX is placed in a containment array rather than more traditional bindings

Birthday Party by waffles_4_breakfast (E, 100k, WangXian, Graphic Depicitons of Violence, Fix-It, Canon Divergence, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Sharing a Bed, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Mutual Pining, Canon-Typical Violence, Pining, Slow Burn, Poison, Torture, Requited Unrequited Love, First Time, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Rough Sex, Oral Sex, Come as Lube, Bondage, Dom/sub Undertones, Spit As Lube, Rimming, Consensual Non-Consent, Safe Sane and Consensual, Additional Warnings In Author's Note) WWX is shackled

the field meets the wood by astronicht (T, 7k, WangXian, BAMF WWX, slight whump, Ritualistic Self Harm, Canon Era, Tang Dynasty style, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, salt economics, Post-Canon) LWJ is tied up

some good mistakes by Lise (T, 18k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Post-Canon, Road trips, rescue Missions, Hurt/Comfort, Awkward Conversations, Yunmeng Bros Reconciliation) mostly this is Jiang Cheng and LWJ forced to work together (to rescue WWX) and hating every minute, but WWX is tied up in a scene at the

a thousand hills, no birds in flight | 千山鳥飛絕 by defractum (nyargles) (E, 26k, WangXian, Mythology, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon adjacent setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort) (link in #2)

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15. Hi! ITMF soulmate aus? Not in the cultivation/zhiji sense, but in the fandom sense. Think red thread of fate, a clock counting down, not seeing color until you see them, leaving a colorful mark on first touch, having their words written on you, etc. I have perused the compilation list but I want more more more! Wangxian, Chengxian, Xichen/Mingjue, Mingjue/Wuxian, really anyone/anyone, canon or modern, angsty or fluffy, all is good! I am just really craving soulmate stuff right now. Thank you!!

Catching Your Reflection Passing By by Suspicious_Popsicle (T, 9k, wangxian, sort of but not quite a soulmate au, Magical Realism, Urban Fantasy, pov switching) I didn't tag it as a soulmate au bc it's technically closer to magical realism, but Catching Your Reflection Passing By has strong soulmate vibes

leading tone by silencemostofall (G, 32k, WangXian, Modern AU, Soulmates, with a lil twist, Eventual Happy Ending, Music, Orchestra, [Podfic] Leading Tone by silencemostofall by Beria1021)

the heartlines on our hands by occultings (microcomets) (E, 47k, wangxian, Soulmates AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, Mutual Pining, First Time, Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death)

ashes by besanii (G, <1k, wangxian, Canonical Character Death, Canon Divergence, Angst, Soulmates AU, Hurt No Comfort)

First and Last by kat8cha (T, 3k, LXC/JGY, wangxian, Angst, Soulmates AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, NHS and LWJ are minor parts, Tragic Romance, Hurt No Comfort)

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16. I'm in the Mood for a fic where Wei Ying's parents' death wasn't a simple night hunt but planned or something of that nature. @iuocean

Wind Rose in the Clouds by PaidSubscription (E, 202k, wangxian, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Canon Compliant, Getting Together, First Time, Eventual Smut, Fluff, POV Alternating, Literal Sleeping Together, Cuddling & Snuggling, Mystery, Good Kid LSZ, LJY for President, Chief Cultivator LWJ, Junior Quartet Dynamics, Inventor WWX, Explicit Consent, Communication, WWX Works Through His Trauma, LWJ Has a Cuddly Bedtime Agenda, And a Keep WWX Warm Agenda, Plot Twists About Canon Plot Holes, WWX's Parents' Deaths Were Not an Accident, Emotional Healing, Epic Fill-in-the-Canon-Blanks Adventure Mystery Plot But Wangxian Being in Love is the Main Course, Angst with a Happy Ending)

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17. I am in mood for A) fanfic where wangxian got separated by misunderstanding or broke up but later they will reunite.

B) Or where Wei Wuxian knows lan wangji loves him and it didn't change anything...like Wei Ying dies and reincarnated

17A)

Honesty is the Best Policy (Except if You’re an Asshole) by piecrust (E, 22k, WangXian, College AU, Porn with feelings, Angst)

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If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack, whatever - it’s all good!***

[mzminola]

Reading oodles of blogs' Percy Weasley tags and came across the idea of Percy becoming a werewolf sometime during the canon plot, and okay, I see the drama and emotional arc potential...

But as soon as I saw "werewolf Percy" my brain immediately leapt to him getting bitten as a kid.

We know Voldemort sent werewolves after people in the first war, that Percy was around five years old when the war ended, that Arthur worked for the Ministry and was against basically everything Voldemort was about, and that Molly's brothers were in the Order of the Phoenix.

So...yeah, final year of the war, either as outright revenge or fulfilling a threat when coercion failed either against Arthur or the Prewett brothers, V sends a werewolf (probably Greyback) after the Weasley kids, and Percy's the one to get chomped.

This just. Completely changes the family dynamics.

How is Percy gonna keep an eye on the younger kids, when he needs to be separate from everyone every full moon? Does he overcompensate as The Responsible One the rest of the time, or has that role not been pushed on him as hard?

How do Arthur & Molly handle interactions between the kids? Especially rough-housing? Percy's got a magical chronic illness now, a growing collection of scars, and possibly feeling ill in the days/before after the full moon (I can't remember how canon that was). But with all the stigma around werewolves, they're not well understood; how paranoid are all the adults about Percy scratching or biting one of the other kids during normal sibling tussles?

I think it's the extra-canonical materials that said the Lupin family moved a lot to avoid anyone figuring it out, but the Weasley's aren't doing that. They've got an established house with seven kids, they're not packing up to leave, and the Diggory & Lovegoods might be a bit far for a walk, but not by broomflight. Do the Weasleys try to isolate in their little plot of land, to avoid neighbors figuring it out, or do they just become super strict about allowed interactions? Do they make up an illness?

I could see them deciding to be strict about interacting with the Diggorys but lax with the Lovegoods, because if Xenophilius starts claiming the middlest Weasley child is a werewolf, no one believes him.

Dumbledore likely showed up immediately in the aftermath (or as soon as he heard, depending on how well hidden they kept the attack) to give the same offer of education he gave the Remus Lupin.

Alternatively, what if they can't keep it secret, because the Death Eaters told everyone? It's supposed to be a way to keep everyone scared, after all.

And of course the details of how Percy in particular got bit affect things. Was he outside when he wasn't supposed to be? To retrieve a lost toy, to get something from the garden, to fulfil a dare from an older brother? Did one of the adults miss a headcount? Did little five year old Percy throw himself in between a younger sibling and the big scary monster?

I think the most positive thing for everyone involved would be for Dumbledore to convince Lupin (because you know he wouldn't intrude on his own) to befriend the Weasleys. Lupin gets a new support network after his old one catastrophically imploded, Percy gets a role model, and Molly & Arthur get a third adult in this mess.

[raccoonfallsharder]

I think I just realized based off of one of your reblogs that one of the biggest reasons I like Rocket so much is because his backstory is too fucking relatable for me

i have too many reblogs to know which one you are referring to but

i think a lot of us who love rocket do so because some part of us relates to him. i'm not saying that we feel like we are rocket (though some of us probably do) but there's a sorrowful number of people out there who know what it's like to feel unloved, unappealing, unworthy; who have been convinced (or who have convinced ourselves) that we are too ugly or petty or small or flawed to be truly accepted or to deserve acceptance; who have been alone for so long or hurt so bad that we fear togetherness; who have gifts that have gone unappreciated by those closest to us; who have had our trust betrayed by those who should have protected us; who have held ourselves up to impossible and arbitrary standards. and that's not even beginning to count those of us who have chronic pain, chronic illness, visible or stigmatizing injuries and appearances, visible or invisible disabilities, and/or just don't feel at home in our own bodies. it doesn't count those of us with some version of survivors' guilt, or those of us who have felt like we used to have people to save before we failed them.

maybe this is why (imo) the folks in the rocket fandom so often to prove to be some of the kindest and most empathetic folks on the internet

when i (we?) write rocket getting an opportunity to heal - to give kindness or love and to be able to receive it - i heal something in myself, too. selfishly, grandiosely, i hope i get to offer a little healing to other folks, too.

and. beautiful blazing bby firebird. not to be, like, combative lol but tbh it's not surprising to me that someone who identifies with the idea of a phoenix would also identify with rocket. literally his whole arc is about rising from the ashes

anyway all this to say, rocket is deeply relatable and you are in very good company if you relate to him, darling sunshine. and i believe in you. i believe that you'll find ways to overcome the things you've gone through. i believe you'll work through the impossible standards and self-doubt you've placed on yourself, and the bad things that were done to you by others. and i believe that you deserve good things - like connection and community and joy. and if you don't already know that - if you're not yet at the end of your volume three - i believe you'll get there someday too. and if you DO know that, then i'm so glad your dog days are over, bby.

[yukidragon]

Sunny Day Jack - Some Things About Mary

You know, it occurred to me that my ideas about Mary Phoenix have evolved a bit since I first introduced her, especially since I decided to make the reincarnation storyline canon for Sunshine in Hell. Why don't I point out a couple differences that I referenced in some subsequent posts that talk about her?

Content Warnings: There will be talk of death, murder, chronic illness, fatphobia, toxic family relationships, drug usage, sex work, and other such heavy topics. There's also some good old spicy OTP fluff and smut to offset the darker stuff, and maybe a little writing if the mood takes me.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur @kurokrisps

As alluded to in this short fic - Grand Pas de Deux - Mary is the one who got Joseph the part of Jack in the SunnyTime Crew Show. Much like when Alice comes across Jack purely by chance when she finds the tape, Mary stumbled across Joseph while he was hitchhiking on the side of the road - as shown in this unnamed fic.

Instead of working with the art department of the show like the initial ramble about her, Mary is on the writing staff, though she did make drawings of characters for the show when developing the idea.

Sunshine in Hell's continuity differs from the game's demo in a number of ways. One of the biggest divergences is that Mary is the person who came up with the original concept of the SunnyTime Crew Show. In fact, the character of Sunny Day Jack was inspired by Joseph. Whenever she hears the nickname "Sunshine" she thinks of him, for obvious reasons, and he always managed to brighten up her day, so "Sunny Day Jack" felt like an appropriate name for the character.

Sure, Mary could've used a star motif to reference her nickname for Joseph - Starlight - but that felt too personal, in a way, too much like she was just writing about Joseph. Sunny Day Jack is a character based off of how warm and cared for her friendship with Joseph made her feel. The character isn't actually him.

Until, you know, she managed to pull some strings and get him the part in the upcoming TV show.

It sort of all fell into place when Mary came across Joseph again. He had nowhere to go, next to no money to his name. He was willing to do any sort of work he could get. Of course Mary wanted to help him out, so she encouraged him to try out for the part. It just so happened that they were working on the casting call, so the timing was perfect.

Despite Joseph's uncertainty that he could get the role and worries that he'll do right by the child audience, he nailed the audition. Sure he was nervous, but he was desperate to succeed. It wasn't just that he needed the job to survive, but he needed it to stay close to Mary. He couldn't let anything separate them again after he finally found his sunshine.

Joseph was a bundle of nerves before the audition, but Mary managed to bolster his confidence.

...

"Hey," Mary whispered, causing Joseph to flinch and the script to crinkle in his fist. She offered him a sympathetic smile as she placed her hand on his arm. "You're going to be great. I know it."

With that, Mary got onto her tiptoes to give Joseph a quick peck on the lips before throwing him a wink. "Knock 'em dead, Starlight."

For a moment, Joseph could only stare in wonder at Mary. It still felt like a dream that she really was there in front of him after all this time. He reached out for her, ready to pull her in for another kiss to reaffirm just how real and warm she was when he heard his name being called for his turn.

Well... his current name. It was going to take him some time to get used to being called James Haberdae.

But that was fine. Joseph, James, Jack... it didn't matter what name he used. All Joseph needed from his old life was standing right in front of him, beaming like a sunny day. Mary's smile lit up the whole world and gave him hope that things were finally going to change for the better.

"I won't let you down, Sunshine," Joseph said as he gave Mary his sunniest smile. Reluctantly, he let her go, but only for now. It was show time, and the world was waiting to see him as Sunny Day Jack.

...

Needless to say, Joseph nailed the audition. ;3

Mary wasn't the only writer on the show of course. It's common for there to be a lot of writers for a TV show, even if there's one writer who came up with the initial concept for the story and characters. I strongly suspect that this lovely lady to the left in this artwork Sauce shared with us is the show's original creator in the game. In Sunshine in Hell's telling, Mary befriended her as a surrogate aunt or mother figure after she and her family moved away when she was a teenager. This lovely lady who shall remain nameless helped Mary in a lot of ways that her own parents didn't, including helping her develop the concept and character ideas Mary had into a TV show pitch. The show wouldn't have happened without her help, so she's one of the head writers.

That's all say about that particular character in this post, or the blond in the picture with her on the right. After all, the current demo that has a scene about these two is in closed beta right now for kickstarter backers and members of the patreon. No spoilers here, folks!

Well, no game spoilers. I'm spoiling the heck out of Sunshine in Hell on this blog.

Another difference between the game and Sunshine in Hell is the factor of chronic illness in the narrative. Mary and Alice both suffer from the same unnamed chronic condition. While in the present it's for the most part manageable, aside from the occasional flare up, in the 1980's, it was entirely an unknown ailment. There was no name, and thus no real treatment.

Doctors aren't necessarily the best at dealing with unknowns. They can also be pretty judgmental, taking one look at a patient and writing them off. It's even easier to write someone off when they're chubby and blame all their woes on their weight. Just lose some pounds, and the pain will go away, they're keen to say, so they don't see why they should waste their time.

Needless to say, Mary hasn't had the best luck with doctors. Between being told she wouldn't live to adulthood when she was a child, painful tests and experimental medications, and doctors basically blaming her for being sick and in pain, she's for the most part had to deal with things on her own. That means gritting her teeth and forcing herself through the day, taking painkillers when it gets too much for her to handle.

It's hard enough doing work for an average job, but a studio like LambsWork works their employees to the bone. Hours upon hours of overtime, often without any extra pay to show for it. The actors aren't the only ones being worked to the bone. Scripts need to be written, details for sets, costumes, guests need to be brought in and catered to, and all sorts of things that force Mary to have many late nights.

It's too much for Mary, but she can't give it up. This might be her one and only chance to make it, to really share one of her stories to the world. She had dreamed of writing and publishing a novel, but this is so, so much more. If she lets this opportunity slip through her fingers, she'll never have another one like it ever again. She has to make this show work. She has to put everything into it, even if it costs her health.

But that's something Mary is used to at this point. She's learned to deal with the pain, to push through when she's suffering. Her parents always claimed she was exaggerating the pain, overplaying her illness, even faking being sick at all to get out of work, so she had to learn how to push through the pain.

That's another reason why Mary can't fail. She can't let her parents be right about her being a lazy failure.

Mary is low contact with her family, citing the show as reason for it. Her mom and dad are narcissists, so they're satisfied with her success, as it reflects well on them as parents. They're happy as long as they get something out of it, like money, reputation, connections, etc.

Really, it's the period in time when Mary has gotten the most "love" and approval from those two. It's another reason why she can't let the show fail.

Mary is aware her parents aren't very good people. She has been for a while now, but... she still loves them. It's so hard to let go of a relationship when there are some happy moments there, times when she can let herself believe the lie that this is simply how families are. This is what love is... or at least love of a family.

It's the connections Mary makes outside of her family that shake up that perception. First there was Joseph's friendship that blossomed into romantic love. Then there was her mentor figure I mentioned earlier who became more of a mother to her than her real mother. Now she has other friends she's made while working on the set of the SunnyTime Crew Show. The actors and others working on the show are all so nice and sincere, not just Joseph. They become like a big family... one that feels more like a family than Mary's ever was.

Though Mary still can't quite cut off her parents. It's not that easy.

It's that found family and not wanting to let any of them down that pushes Mary so hard. She winds up pushing herself too hard. She takes over the counter painkillers on the daily, knowing that it's not good for her in the long term. Least of the issues with taking them all the time is their diminishing effectiveness. They take away less pain over time as she pushes her body harder and harder to its breaking point...

Mary and Joseph do wind up living together and taking care of one another. He's aware that she's pushing herself too hard, downplaying her own symptoms and pain. He sees how often empty medicine bottles appear in the trash can and hears the whimpers she can't contain when she's struggling to sleep at night.

Joseph wants to protect Mary, but there's little he can do to take away her pain. He helps her as best he can with taking care of the house and the cooking, but he's overworked as well. There's promotional gigs, autograph signings, interviews, filming episodes, rehearsals... Their days are so busy that often times they're left exhausted by the time they get home late at night, too tired to do more than just lie in bed in each other's arms.

That isn't to say that they don't steal a moment or two in their busy lives to make love. Mary might be on the aroace spectrum, but the pleasure Joseph makes her feel allows her to forget the pain she's in all the time, at least for a little while. Joseph, with his high libido, is only too happy to show her love in the most intimate of ways.

Well... after he gets over a bit of guilt. Though Mary did greet Joseph with a kiss when they reunited, and they resumed their relationship right where they left off, it didn't erase the years that they were apart... or the things Joseph had to do to survive life on the streets.

As I mentioned in Jack's section of the big Love and Sex Headcanons post, Joseph had to do some pretty unsavory things in order to survive. Though he puts up a good confident front, even to himself, this man has many insecurities underneath his bad boy looking exterior. There's some guilt that he went looking for love in someone else when he was separated from Mary, and those relationships always ended badly. He also sold his body, exchanging sexual favors for as little as a roof over his head and a meal for a night.

Not to mention the other awful things he did in his past, such as the reason why he ran away from Haberdae High...

Joseph is unclean, at least in his opinion. He's been told he's worthless, not good enough, and other insults... and he embraced that out of spite. He hurt people badly, caused harm he can't undo, sold himself for cheap, allowed people to use him and then throw him away...

In a way, Joseph doesn't feel worthy of Mary... but damned if he's going to let her go ever again.

Things change for Joseph once Mary finds him. His life takes a turn he never expected, brings him hope and light when he struggled to find either. For all his fears that he won't do right by the kids after all he's done, he finds his groove right away, connecting with the children in ways that he never thought he could. He worries about hurting Mary again, losing her again, not being worthy of her after all he's done... he worries about letting her down and the friends he made, the children who admire him.

Mary shows Joseph love and unwavering faith in him that he never felt even for himself. She helps him see that there's more to him than he ever realizes, and he so badly wants to be the man that she believes he is.

Joseph didn't want to push his sexual urges on Mary at the start of their relationship, determined to take things slow and do it right. He had extra pressure from learning that she was still a virgin... and guilt because he was not.

They were each other's first kiss, but Joseph slept around with many, many other people while Mary did not.

Despite this internalized self-loathing, Joseph did his best to be better for Mary, and for himself. He wanted to be the man that she saw him as, the special wish come true that she always said he was for her life. He'd grant her every wish and make her the happiest anyone could ever be. He'd protect her from the world, from illness, and even from his own darker urges.

Joseph did his best to hold himself back, which led to plenty of awkward boners to hide before they finally progressed to the point of making love. More than once he felt as if he was going to go crazy with how badly he wanted her, while also feeling guilty about lusting for Mary like some animal in heat. He was extra careful and delicate about their first time, worshipping every inch of her body and making sure to repay all the love she gave him.

One good thing about all his experience was that Joseph knew how to pleasure his partner very well. Mary was surprised that her first time wasn't painful like she expected it to be (aside from chronic pain, but he made her forget about that for a while too). He practically turned her into a quivering pile of goo by the time he was through with her. He couldn't stop after just one round, not after how many times he had gotten blue balls waiting until they were both ready for this.

Joseph might not have the empathy powers that share all his horny feelings during this time period, but he can still encourage Mary's libido to increase the old fashioned way. Though he takes the lead most of the time, he's very happy when she initiates. He gets quite the guilty thrill when his sunshine gets a bit jealous and possessive of him.

What Joseph has with Mary is such a different feeling from the dismissive relationships he had before that only saw his body. He's not a piece of meat to her. He's not property paid for. She makes him feel irreplaceable, like someone worth waiting for, someone to miss and long for. She cares deeply for what he wants and is so tender and loving...

Joseph desperately wants to be someone worthy of all the love Mary shows him.

He is even more desperate not to lose his sunshine again.

The rumor that Mary died when they were in high school might have been false, but that memory of loss still haunts Joseph. It comes to mind every time she has a flare up. He's left helpless but to just offer comfort and do what little he can while she whimpers and cries, praying that the pain passes soon...

The doctors are useless. Joseph gets so frustrated by their condescension and bumbling. He wants to save up money to take care of the both of them, give them a better life, and actually find someone who can actually do something about this damn illness. They're just sticking their thumbs up their asses and shrugging their shoulders while giving gormless looks as they suggest another test, another specialist...

And the bills just keep racking up.

It doesn't help that so much of their time is taken up working. Joseph worries about how hard Mary is pushing herself, how her attacks are coming more and more frequently. He sees her pushing herself too hard even while she tries to smile through the pain. She tries to be optimistic, saying there's nothing they can do about it, so they've just got to push through. He can see that she's given up on finding answers or a cure. He can't give up. He won't.

Mary hates that she worries Joseph so much about her health, especially since it seems so hopeless. She tries not to acknowledge her own worries and fears. There are times when she nearly breaks down from the pressure of keeping the show together and her fears that her body might be dying and the doctors are clueless. Is this symptom a sign of something dangerous or more of the same? Are they missing something all this time? Can they really afford to throw away more money just to get more apathetic shrugs instead of answers?

Stress leads to vices. Joseph drinks more coffee and alcohol to make it through. He keeps trying to kick the cigarette addiction, as it costs a lot of money they need for other things, but every time he does, the withdrawal symptoms get bad, and he has to take a puff to feel normal again. He tries at least to not smoke around Mary since he knows cigarettes are poison to the body, and she's already in delicate enough health as it is. She's his biggest motivation to quit, while the stress of his job the biggest reason why he can never quite manage it.

It's not just Joseph who falls victim to vices to make it through. Mary hates the taste of coffee but chokes it down like medicine in the morning to make it through the day. She avoids alcohol to not mess with whatever medicine she's currently on to keep the symptoms down, and sometimes she has to drop the coffee too if it interferes with the medicine.

Coffee isn't Mary's biggest vice. She tries different medications, sometimes prescribed, but most often just over the counter painkillers. Taking them too much lessens their effectiveness, and with the job pushing her harder and harder, her health is only degrading, forcing her to take more than what is safe.

Eventually, the over the counter meds aren't enough. A "friend" at the studio, one of the higher ups above Mary who runs her ragged notices her struggling and offers some "help."

Mary was no stranger to trying new types of medicines. The doctors all failed her, often times giving her things that resulted in side-effects that made things worse for her. The pain was getting worse, and she was desperate to feel better... to keep the show going and to be a success.

Mary never thought she would ever take illicit substances. Drugs are bad for you and lead to a dark road, she knew it from all the warnings teachers and even television gave her while growing up, but... she was already starting to break. She was barely holding things together for Joseph, for her friends, the show, the people counting on her, her parents...

They're just some pills, she's assured. A pharmacist friend of the "friend" is certain they're effective. Just try it and see.

They help. These pills from a sketchy source work better than anything Mary has ever tried before. She feels good for once, better than ever. The pain disappears for a while, and she's energized, happy. Why the hell did the doctors never prescribe these to her?

Unfortunately, as what happens when taking pills regularly, it stops being quite as effective. The dosage needs to be increased after a while to get the same high. The side-effects start to cause further issues, particularly as the dosage increases. The body gets strained, and the withdrawal symptoms of going without are agonizing.

Joseph does find out about the pills eventually... and he's far from happy about it, or what they've done to Mary.

Yes, Mary gets addicted to drugs. Show business unfortunately has a habit of doing that to people. The "friend" took the drugs recreationally and shared the "fun" with Mary.

The sad thing is Mary likely turned down things like this before when they were offered as a "party favor" at some gathering. Doing drugs to chase a high never tempted her. It was suffering and desperation that pushed her to make one of the biggest mistakes of her life.

Between drug usage, stress, pushing her body to the breaking point, chronic illness, and other such factors... Mary's health degraded. It was only a matter of time until her body couldn't take it anymore.

Joseph's murder was the breaking point for everything. When he died, a part of Mary died with him, along with all her hopes and dreams. For all the struggles, they did hope for a future together where they could live happily together... maybe raise a family. Even when they were forced apart years ago, she always kept that little hope in her heart that maybe someday she'd find him again.

This time... there was no finding him again. Joseph was dead. He was gone. Forever. Her starlight, her other half, her wish come true...

As if to rub salt in the wound, the studio ended the show. Not only that, they buried everything about it. They erased it... as if it never happened. As if none of the effort and pain and sacrifices ever existed at all. All of her work, Joseph's work, her friends' work... all reduced to ash. LambsWork recalled merch, tapes, etc. and destroyed them, erased the very name of the show, its characters, and those who worked on it from everywhere money and connections could reach. There was no internet to allow for independent archiving.

LambsWork produced new shows, created new distractions. The world moved on to the next big thing. The coworkers Mary and Joseph had grown to love were silenced by NDAs and threats, and were forced to move on.

Mary hoped to create a story that would live on after she died. When she got that death sentence from a doctor as a child, it was her one goal in life, to leave something of herself behind. Now it was gone... as was the person who loved her more than anyone else in the world.

Her wishes, her dreams, her love... it was all dead.

What did Mary have left to live for?

Without hope, Mary lost the will to live. She stopped fighting. The damage that had been done to her body was too much, and the wound to her heart simply refused to heal.

The friends she made when creating the show came to see her. They offered what little support they could in her final days, but they couldn't help her. No one could.

Her parents never visited her even once. They distanced themselves from her the same way LambsWork did. What good was she to them now? Their child helped them get connections in the entertainment industry, but she could do nothing for them now. She could have done more for them to actually be useful to them for once in her life. They wouldn't even bother with her "theatrics" after that "hooligan" died. Good riddance, they say.

It's a tragic ending where good people suffered terrible fates while awful people lived on, pocketing their ill gotten gains as they moved on without so much as a backward glance.

Of course I'm not satisfied with this sort of ending, so I'm decreeing that karma does get all these assholes eventually. I'm not quite sure how just yet, but I like the idea that the Phoenix parents eventually learned the meaning of regret, even if they never learn what it means to actually love anyone else but themselves.

Trust me, I'm gonna make sure they get some form of payback, as well as Joseph's neglectful and abusive parents.

As for LambsWork and the people there... their karma will also come as I develop more details of the story and flesh out more characters. It's developing, though slowly, as I admittedly keep getting distracted by fluff with my OTP.

Naturally, karma comes back around for Joseph and Mary in the form of Jack and Alice. It won't necessarily be an easy road for them, but the two of them will make it work in their next lives. The game might have multiple different endings, with some probably ending in a lot of gore and guts, but Sunshine in Hell's ending will be a happy one where Jack and Alice get to have the bright and shining future that was stolen from them.

Yes, that future does include babies ever after. Jack worried he would be bad around kids, but he eventually becomes the best daddy a child could ever ask for, and the best partner Alice could ever ask for.

Alice might wonder if someone as good as Jack could actually be real, but he's going to remind her that he's always been her wish come true. This time, nothing is going to stop them from achieving their dreams and being happy, together.

Although, if you would rather see a kinder world where Mary and Joseph don't have to wait until their next lives to have their happy ending, here's an AU where they manage to reach their golden years together.

I think I'll wrap things up on that warm and fuzzy note. I hope you enjoyed reading a bit more about Mary and Joseph and their entanglement with LambsWork Productions.

[curioushabitforarivergod]

what would the doctors visits tom apparently endured have been like? what if he had been institutionalized as he apparently feared? what would have happened to him?

Sorry this took a little while! I had to do some research for this because I'm not super familiar with healthcare from this period.

This is potentially triggering for ppl who are neurodiverse or experience mental/chronic conditions as I'm discussing outdated language and treatments, some which are still prevalent today despite medical suggestion. So after the first part on general healthcare, I'm going to put the rest as hidden.

From what I can gather, general healthcare (like doctors) were largely free for working men, but that left women, children, the unemployed and homeless without. This also means Tom. Tom would've likely been treated, if he ever got ill (and I think its mentioned in Order of the Phoenix that wixen don't get the same health issues that muggles do, although that may just be JKR batshittery), by one of the staff at the orphanage, who would prescribe cod liver oil for colds and thats about it. Penicillin was only discovered in 1928 so its likely kids were still dying from infections, especially in the orphanage. A doctor might've been called for something more serious like a broken bone, but operations still were being done on stuff like kitchen tables, so I wouldn't trust a 20s/30s doctor. There would've been a sanitarium (basically a sick room) although I can imagine that children went there to essentially die, especially from the more dangerous conditions that were rife at the orphanage, which I also discussed here.

(This next part is the potentially triggering section. Read at your own discretion.)

Tom is commonly read, particularly to outsiders (as we are when we view him through others eyes), as neurodiverse or with an Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Especially with his magic, he likely would've been perceived the same way by those at the orphanage, most prevalently by Ms Cole and others in charge as kids just don't notice these things. Germany's Aktion T-4 during the 30s an 40s (the proposed eugenics and selective breeding, but in reality murder, of anyone 'mentally retarded') mirrored the attitudes of the first half of the 20th century. Not a lot was known about how children think anyway, so they were often treated as mini adults or dolls, despite children not even having the mental capacities to comprehend why they're doing something until they're literally 15.

Tom (with whatever condition he does have) would have fallen under the Mental Deficiency Act (1913) which was passed almost unanimously with only 3 votes against it. It was a step forward from the previous Idiots Act (1886), but the language and treatment was still poor. It categorised people into four groups:

a) Idiots. Those so deeply defective as to be unable to guard themselves against common physical dangers. b) Imbeciles. Whose defectiveness does not amount to idiocy, but is so pronounced that they are incapable of managing themselves or their affairs, or, in the case of children, of being taught to do so. c) Feeble-minded persons. Whose weakness does not amount to imbecility, yet who require care, supervision, or control, for their protection or for the protection of others, or, in the case of children, are incapable of receiving benefit from the instruction in ordinary schools. d) Moral Imbeciles. Displaying mental weakness coupled with strong vicious or criminal propensities, and on whom punishment has little or no deterrent effect.

It suggested institutionalisation was the best response to these conditions, and the now-obsolete Board of Control for Lunacy and Mental Deficiency oversaw this implementation of 'care'.

Tom wouldn't have been aware of what occurred in these places (lobotomies and shock therapy of various kinds for 'treatment', including insulin and forcing seizures; but also horrible treatments of patients by 'carers' including violence and abuse), but would know that it meant you were crazy. Bedlam (12th century — present) was notorious based on rumours alone. Tom would've been genuinely fearful of what happened in those places even though he had no idea himself.

I remember playing games about asylums when I was a kid, and I doubt children in Tom's time were much different, but there was no one around to de-stigmatise and so rumours perpetuated. I think Tom was very scared because he believed his magic was a sign of insanity or a hallucination, and although he probably wasn't politically aware, he realised his own ability to hurt and was afraid of what that meant for him. To Tom, as a young child knowing nothing about his strange powers, being crazy was just as frightening as death because it meant the end of freedom.

[saintsenara]

sirius black/severus snape explicit read from the beginning here masterpost | chapter summary | moodboard

chapter one: enif

in this chapter, despite everything in his body telling him that he should, sirius black does not go to the department of mysteries.

this decision will, unsurprisingly, have consequences.

more notes under the cut

i was asked by @ashesandhackles about all the blood in this chapter, so that seems like a very good place to start.

blood is - on the one hand - a metaphor for the social context sirius has always existed in. the wizarding world is obsessed with class, heredity, and lineage; sirius spent his youth trying to escape those forces but now finds himself shoved back into his childhood home, made to confront the fact that half of his blood relatives are on the opposing side and compelled to endure his mother’s portrait constantly reminding him that she considers his decision to turn his back on her and his father’s blood-supremacy to be an aberration against nature.

but the blood also serves a more literal role in this story - it shows that sirius’ body is a wreck.

both the canon text and many fan-fiction portrayals of sirius deal sensitively with his mental state during order of the phoenix - with his obvious depression, with his alcohol abuse, with the trauma he carries from azkaban, and so on - but it seems, in my experience, that far less space has been given to thinking about the ruinous physical trauma he must live with after twelve years in prison. all too often, sirius is written as someone who's struggling profoundly mentally, but is still healthy [and really, really hot] while he does it.

partially, i think this can be explained by the fact that the series generally doesn’t care very much about physical illness or disability - all injuries are easily healed; all damage or disability is rendered obsolete by magic. it prefers to focus on the impact of injury or illness on cognitive function - which it understands to connect to magical ability - and it sets up azkaban as something which primarily impacts the cognitive state of its inmates, rendering them unable to exist as functioning witches and wizards because their thoughts are so disturbed, as sirius himself tells us in goblet of fire:

‘He was screaming for his mother by nightfall. He went quiet after a few days, though… they all went quiet in the end… except when they shrieked in their sleep.’

but the prison is also located in the middle of a freezing ocean and canonically poorly maintained. the prisoners are clearly starved - both sirius and bellatrix are described as “gaunt” after their escape - and can be presumed to be sleep-deprived, denied access to healthcare, and plausibly subject to violence and mistreatment at the hands of the prison’s staff [both dementor and human]. these experiences have an undeniable impact on the mental state, but they also have a physical one - and the fact that sirius can be meaningfully described as chronically ill following his captivity [and how much he loathes being thought of as an invalid and why] is one of the key themes of this story.

although what, exactly, is wrong with his leg remains to be seen…

thinking about sirius’ body leads into another theme which will be important throughout the war of the roses: the twin states of beauty and disgust. sirius’ internal voice in this chapter focuses a lot on the aspects of embodiment which many people consider distasteful - shit, piss, blood, sweat - and which he connects mentally with the loss of the great physical beauty which made life so easy for him in his youth [something which even harry, who’s otherwise ready to go with a powerpoint presentation on how fit sirius is at any given moment, concedes during the series].

this symbiotic loss is present in other aspects of his life - grimmauld place is now filthy, bloody, and decaying, where it was once opulent - but one thing which i really wanted to draw out when writing this chapter was the fact that sirius becoming less physically beautiful transforms his relationship with snape. i see a lot in fan-fiction portrayals of snape the idea that he isn’t actually anywhere near as ugly as harry canonically claims - and i think that’s completely plausible; harry’s a bitchy teen boy after all - but i wanted to play with reversing this trope: snape’s just as ugly as harry thinks he is, but sirius is ugly too...

and so to our main lads, our central pairing - sirius and snape. this opening chapter was a great chance for me to indulge one of my favourite things about snape and sirius’ canon characterisation: that they’re absolutely fucking obsessed with each other. their mutual childish sniping throughout order of the phoenix [snape going out of his way to mock sirius about cleaning the house! literally everything which happens in that occlumency scene!] gives me energy, and clearly reflects the continuation of a dynamic they’ve had since childhood [sirius seems to do an awful lot of noticing snape in the flashbacks we see of them as teens].

i know that many fans have strong feelings - in either direction - when it comes to how snape’s treatment at the marauders’ hands should be understood. but something i think is worth noting is that snape canonically appears to be considerably less distressed by the memory of his teenage relationship with sirius than he does with the memory of either lupin or james. indeed, while he seems to be genuinely afraid of lupin - and to do as much as he can to avoid being alone with him - snape goes out of his way to antagonise sirius, in ways which suggest that he derives some sort of satisfaction out of getting his attention, even if that attention is negative.

no wonder, then, that the two of them fighting is so sexually charged…

i also wanted to set out another theme which will play a big part in how sirius and snape’s relationship will be written in this story: that the two of them are willing to speak the truth about each other.

when i re-read order of the phoenix in advance of writing this story, i was really struck by sirius complaining to harry that snape needles him about being under house arrest:

‘Oh yeah,’ said Sirius sarcastically. ‘Listening to Snape’s reports, having to take all his snide hints that he’s out there risking his life while I’m sat on my backside here having a nice comfortable time… asking me how the cleaning’s going -’

which harry later uses as a way to blame snape for sirius’ death when shouting at dumbledore.

but the thing that stands out to me is that snape… is right. sirius is useless to the reformed order [in fact, his membership of the group does nothing but make kingsley’s high-value position as a ministry-based spy all the more dangerous - although i love him misleading the investigation into sirius’ whereabouts in transparently ridiculous ways], but snape - and fred weasley - are the only people who are willing to confront that reality [dumbledore’s refusal to acknowledge sirius’ feelings of redundancy is something we will get into]. while neither of them are capable of communicating this effectively [yet!], i do think it’s important that snape’s refusal to pretend that sirius is doing something significant for the order is something sirius respects. deep down at least.

and i also think it’s important that snape is one of the only people - apart from harry and, it seems, voldemort - who understands that sirius’ sense of uselessness has the potential to boil over into pure recklessness [voldemort must select sirius as the star of his false vision not only because he knows that harry would risk everything to get him to safety, but because he also knows that harry would see sirius tied up in the department of mysteries and think ‘yep. he’s left the house and been captured. that’s plausible.’]. i wanted snape to be genuinely surprised to arrive in grimmauld place and discover that sirius hasn’t gone to the ministry, and for this to be the trigger for him snapping when sirius does try to run into battle with the rest of the order and telling him to stay put for harry’s own good.

this is the part of this author’s note where i reveal that this is not going to be a story which accepts uncritically that sirius is a good godfather to harry. i completely understand why the trope of sirius being the model of a father-figure is compelling to fans - and i have no interest at all in the nIcE oNe JaMeS manchild characterisation of sirius in the films [although i do of course think that sirius fails to appreciate that harry is rather less bullish about what he’s facing than james] - but i think that writing sirius as someone who’s fanatically devoted to harry’s welfare, always makes the most parenting-expert-approved decision in any situation, and is demonstrably the adult in their interactions is… kind of uninteresting.

after all, even though he suggests that maybe they should, sirius doesn’t actually tell harry about the prophecy once his fellow order members overrule him. sirius clearly accepts dumbledore’s explanation for why harry needs to stay at the dursleys’, and recognises that harry miserable experience there - particularly the summer after voldemort’s return, when he’s subjected to an information blackout by the order - is [if you’ll pardon the expression] for the greater good. sirius is remarkably dismissive of harry’s fear that he’s being possessed by voldemort after he witnesses nagini attack arthur weasley. and sirius clearly regards harry’s attempts to protect him as patronising, rather than recognising that his godson would prefer him to remain alive rather than get up to hijinks.

in fact, it’s very striking in canon that sirius’ clear self-destructive streak is a major barrier to his relationship with harry, especially in order of the phoenix. this is the cause of the belief he expresses in this chapter that his purpose as an order member is to die for harry - and, indeed, that this is something explicitly requested of him by james. one of the lines which i think about all the time - a line which will become a key theme in this story - is sirius to wormtail in prisoner of azkaban:

‘Then you should have died! ... Died rather than betray your friends, as we would have done for you!’

because, on the one hand, sirius is completely right. but, on the other, there is a rigidity to him - a belief that dying nobly for a cause is the only reasonable course of action. snape says the quiet part out loud in this chapter - that sirius cannot simultaneously believe that his only concern is protecting harry and refuse to recognise that protecting harry means getting this reckless streak under control; and that sirius has seen before that acting first and asking questions later results in a potter he loves dying.

although, this being said, snape also just wanted to have a fight, partially because it’s hot to punch your rival in the face, but also because his defaulting to physical violence is another manifestation of the fundamental honesty which defines his character. in canon, magical violence is notable for how hands-off it largely is - it requires emotional heft, but no apparent physical power; the vast majority of curses we meet appear to leave no physical traces - and for how it therefore allows the perpetrator to distance themselves from the reality of their violence. there are some exceptions - above all sectumsempra, which clearly requires the perpetrator to feel profound rage [for enemies] but which actually registers that rage on the body.

the same effect can be achieved by snape decking sirius.

alongside the humans of this story, in this chapter we meet a bricks-and-mortar character who will play a big role as the war of the roses continues: number twelve grimmauld place. canonically, this is ten different gothic literature tropes in a trenchcoat, but one which has a huge fanon presence is the idea that the house is literally sentient. i don’t love this - mostly because it’s usually accompanied by lots of pro-aristocracy nonsense - but i do like the house being perceived as sentient by sirius' disturbed mind.

i also like the canonical portrayal of grimmauld place as a metaphor for azkaban - untouched by the happiness of the muggles in the outside world, freezing despite the hot weather; a place in which - as harry says - sirius is literally locked up against his will.

but i also like the fact that, canonically, grimmauld place is a domestic space as well. the order live and eat and hang out together in a quasi-familial way, and the contrast between sirius’ experience of this rag-tag found family and his experience of eating with his actual family will come up again…

this chapter also hints at some of the relationships which will be explored in more detail as this story continues. some of these are from sirius’ past - his relationship with his parents, with regulus, with bellatrix, with kreacher, with the malfoys and lestranges - and some are from his present - his relationship with lupin; his relationship with wormtail, who has escaped him; his relationship with moody, with kingsley, with tonks, with the weasleys, with ron and hermione, and so on.

but one relationship i want to mention now is sirius and buckbeak - i just love these two comrades-in-arms! i love in canon that buckbeak is the first creature harry feels able to uncomplicatedly confess to missing sirius to! i love that sirius’ care for buckbeak contributes to his death in canon, and to his survival here! i love how he spends so much time with buckbeak in order of the phoenix, as his depression worsens, and clearly finds comfort with him; and i like the idea that buckbeak would shed his wildness and dangerousness when around sirius in recognition of sirius’ love for him.

my heart!