#the reason I think it MIGHT be a manic episode and not just happiness….is like……..having the bad impulsive urges to drastically change

[sanchoyo]

literally cannot tell if I’m having a manic episode or actually genuinely just hyper+happy bc it’s finally getting warm and pretty outside and perhaps that’s Doing Away With my bad 3 month long seasonal depression for the time being 🤔 I mean it’s ….nice? To have so much sudden energy the past like, week or so, but also vaguely accompanied with feelings of Dread bc 1. Why 2. How long will it last 3. Can I stop any Impulses and avoid doing anything Regrettable while I am Like This. Bc the track record historically has not been GREAT

[glitter-stained]

As someone who is very much not well-versed in medical things/psychology, I have no idea how to research this efficiently, so, would you say that Jason would in any way benefit from being on some sort of medication, like anti-depressants or something like that? Not in a way of "oooh that would fix him and make him not murderous" or whatever, but to improve some of the very clear mental health issues that affect him in his day-to-day life, first and foremost.

Oh I love that one! Answering quickly for once because I've already dissected it in my head

Fuck yeah he would benefit from medication. Of course, I'm neither a psychiatrist nor a pharmacist, but I did have classes on neuropharmacology and it was one of my favourite things to study, so I'm confident I'm not saying random shit but if someone in there

So- of course, it depends on the era, but there are three molecules I'd consider useful for him :

> Rebirth Jason:

-sertralin

> any and all Jasons:

- lamotrigin

-propanolol

Sertralin

So, the antidepressants. Basically, sertralin is an SSRI, which means it works by altering your brain chemistry to heighten the chances that your neurons will get the possibility to transmit serotonin, a neurotransmitter (brain molecule) that is linked with happiness (very very basically. Please don't misunderstand this as "sertralin/serotonin makes you happy".) I'll admit I haven't read enough of rebirth Jason to establish whether he fits the criteria for a characterized depressive episode rather, but he already displays, at minima, subclinical signs of depression. One reason why I don't need to wait for an established diagnosis to say I think trying out antidepressants would be a good idea is that Jason is suicidal as fuck (has made several attempts on his life + documented suicidal ideation... and at least according to Bruce) has been for a very long time.) This makes it a total emergency.

Now if we're considering post Gotham war Rebirth Jason, this guy has an anxiety disorder (like, I wish Batman #148 had shown Jason abusing benzos so bad.) The thing is, Joker might have made Jason "functional" enough not to be paralyzed by fear in Man Who Stopped Laughing (and hey! Laughter is a good strategy to regulate anxiety. Thanks, Joker.), but that is very much not enough: as Joker says, Jason still feels that anxiety, he's just not having outwards panic attacks about it. The thing with anxiety (aside from the risks of such extreme chronic stress) is that 1) some SSRI, like sertralin, have a positive effect on symptoms and 2) if untreated, it very often leads to depressive symptomatology (kinda like fatigue from all the stress). All of this to say if a patient has anxiety, in my country it's recommended to give them antidepressants, both to soothe the anxiety and to decrease the risk of developing depression. So yeah, I would definitely give him antidepressants!!

Lamotrigin

Listen.

Listen. I know what you're thinking. "Why would you recommend giving Jason an anti-epileptic? He doesn't have epilepsy." He doesn't. Stay with me.

So, lamotrigin is originally an anti-epileptic. However they realized that using smaller doses could make it into a thymoregulator for bipolar disorder (I and II). Now, a thymoregulator is a medicine that people with bipolar take to regulate their emotions. Bipolar disorders are characterized by three phases: mania(or hypomania), depressive phase, and euthymia. Mania (or hypomania) is characterized by elevated mood and/or agressivity (though the most characteristic of mania is still elation/euphoria) that can be associated with overestimation of abilities, augmentation of risk taking, sometimes psychotic symptoms (such as grandiose delusions, etc.) Depressive phases are the symptoms of a characterized depressive episode, but in the context of bipolar (they're often very severe, and can sometimes take on melancholic and/or psychotic characteristics). They're not rapid mood swings: manic and depressive episodes can sometimes last weeks. And then there is euthymia, which is "normal, non-pathologic mood". So basically, your mood is a spectrum from "so high it's harmful and dangerous to you" to "so low it's harmful and dangerous to you", with euthymia in the middle as "neither too high nor too low". The goal of thymoregulators like lamotrigin is to keep the patient in euthymia. That doesn't mean that the person will never feel sad or happy, this isn't a mood dampener: it's just that they won't have to leave with the fear that every stressor or sad moment will send them spiralling in a depressive episode, or that they have to be careful not to feel too much joy in case in tumbles into euphoria. It's just a way to compensate the chemical dysfunction in the brain that makes it so incredibly hard and painful to emotionally regulate.

Now, as we said, mood is a spectrum, and in bipolar, it's like you're swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other. But it's not perfectly symetrical, not for everyone. For example, you can have one patient who has very high mania and severe depressive episodes, but you could also have patients with high mania and less severe depressive symptoms, or patients with severe depressive symptoms and hypomania rather than mania. This is why we need different types of thymoregulators! Each thymoregulator's effect span can be situated on the mood spectrum. For example, lithium works best for patients where there's a symetrical dysregulation (so the mood goes about as high in the maniac phase as it goes low in the depression phase), and lamotrigin works best with patients whose disorder tends more towards the lower end of the mood spectrum (ie patients with very severe depressive episodes and whose high episodes tend more towards hypomania. (That's classically what we get with cohort studies, but of course every patient is unique! This is why it sometimes takes many tries before finding A) the right molecule for the patient and B) the right dosage for the molecule, which requires evaluating and re-evaluating with the psychiatrist as the treatment is established, blood draws to figure out absorption etc... It's a very careful balance to find.)

Now, it's a hc I've seen a bunch, but I don't personally hc Jason as having a bipolar disorder. So why do I think lamo could help him?

As we've seen, lamo's job is basically to help regulate negative emotions. To which, someone had the brilliant idea to realise hey, there are other disorders in which there are major issues with regulating negative emotions because of alterations to brain chemistry, one of the best-known being PTSD! So they conducted studies and it turns out, some thymoregulators (including lamo), in lower doses than those used in treatment for bipolar, are efficient in supporting emotional regulation in PTSD! It's pretty recent, but professionals have started to prescribe those thymoregulators to people with PTSD, and I for one think it's really really cool (partially because research in ptsd is doing amazing rn, and partially because my doctor decided i had enough trauma to qualify for prescribing lamo- i didn't necessarily agree with him, but of all the medication I've been prescribed it's the one that helped the most and I'm really really happy about it.) So with all of that said, I hope it makes sense why Jason, whose brand of complex PTSD (which is imo clearly associated with negative emotional dysregulation) might benefit from lamotrigin or a similar thymoregulator.

[channelmariegreen]

Okay… so- I just finished ep 4 for tadc so BIG SPOILERS COMING UP. THIS IS BASICALLY ME UNLOADING MY BRAIN CONTENT THAT FORMED FROM THAT EPISODE

Firstly. I feel like gangle has depression and/or bipolar disorder(she also said she was manic at one point) and she’s just hiding it with mask- literally and figuratively. I loved that zooble really was there for her and comforted her regardless of her problems. I think everyone needs a friend like zooble! I think that although gangle was a tad hyper and trying to be happy and responsible- it didn’t warrant what ragatha and Jax said to her😢 I’m aware that ragatha was just speaking her mind because of the sauce- which is completely fine with me, there’s nothing wrong with honesty and Jax was just being rude as usual(doesn’t excuse his behavior), however there’s a nicer way to say things- especially when a person is being nice and isn’t deliberately trying to annoy you and especially since gangle is just trying her best. Although ragatha potentially might not know about gangle’s depression- how would we all feel if we're sad and trying to put on a happy face for people and get through the day- only be told that we’re easier when we’re sad, or that they like us better when we’re sad?🤨, its messed up) and now because of that gangle thinks none of them like her which makes me so sad. I also hope that one day when they get out, that gangle(and all of them) does achieve her dreams! Anything is possible if you put your mind to it!

That pulls into my next point- ragatha. I do think ragatha is genuinely a nice person but if she is being nice only so people would like her then, she should potentially try being more honest and being concerned with not only other peoples feelings but her own as well. I’m a believer in that you can be nice but firm without being super blunt if you don’t like something(not all issues need this approach, sometimes you need to be blunt but sometimes not so much) and I personally think that would help ragatha a lot if she gets past the people pleaser thing. If people don’t like her being honest(without being mean or unnecessary) then they aren’t meant to be her friend and that’s okay! Also despite what she said to gangle- I do think she is a nice person overall.

Jax. I think that he has this mean persona for some reason. In my opinion- part of it is for attention and for some reason making people believe this is truly him or for another reason. And although he can be very mean, impulsive and hurtful, etc… when he drops that persona he’s good to talk to and I think you can see that he potentially is mentally exhausted or depressed too and is using that mask to hide it(or it could be the fact that he went through a lot on that shift and wanted to be alone). I would love a conversation between him and the other circus members with him being actually genuine and not trying to hurt anyone. I also hope we have a moment of realization for him. Maybe he can have a wake up call and he can apologize and try to get better. Also I do want to know what he was think when ragatha said “I hate you but I don’t want you to hate me…” I personally think he didn’t know what to say. And also- 🧐 what did he see in that room? I know it was an indirect showing of gangle’s feelings and I assume trauma but he looked scared when he came out 😟 at the end of the day- I could be completely mistaken with Jax’s character- he’s complex and we haven’t been given too many clues so I’m still trying to understand 😊

Also I think it was great that Pomni was helping gangle out. I think it is possible that gangle could have had an issue if Pomni didn’t unintentionally snap her out of it. ASLO 🫵😯 when Pomni and Gummigoo were talking- I saw the look of familiarity in his eyes and I had a feeling he just couldn’t say anything about it and then someone on social media pointed out to people that he reached out to her a bit but just couldn’t say anything! 😦 I wonder if he really remembered her and if so- does that mean the other NPCs remember too or is it just different since he broke the 4th wall and knows the truth now?

And finally Caine was actually more tame this episode than I expected but he’s cool and I want to see more cracks in his AI and glitching 🤓 and it was really cute when Kinger riding a bull 🐂

Overall I think the quietness of the episode paired with depression and social masks was great 👍 although I prefer more dramatic and emotional scenes- I think this episode was good! 😊 I’m very excited to see Jax’s episode next(episode 6 I believe)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being complicit in my friend's situationship? (NSFW, and sorry, it's long, but at least it's dramatic.)

I had a friend (I will refer to as Kate), who I no longer speak to for reasons unrelated to this scenario. We dated on and off for a couple years and broke up permanently about a year before these events, but remained as roommates. Everyone in the story was in their 20s.

Kate went to a trade school and met a man (I will refer to as Andrew) who flirted with her despite mentioning before that he had a girlfriend. Kate was attracted to Andrew but told him that she wouldn't get involved with him unless he broke up with his girlfriend. He then told her that his girlfriend was distant to the point that they hadn't slept together in years, they basically were just friends that lived together, but she wouldn't let him officially break up with her, and he couldn't afford to move out on his own.

Kate told me about this, sometimes asking what I thought, and though I had some doubts about whether that information was true, I didn't give any real advice in any direction. Obviously I was in a weird situation, but didn't want to discourage her, or she might have thought I was jealous. She wasn't happy when I went on a date during this time. She also accused me of emotionally cheating while we were dating, so I was not about to tell her how to define cheating. That's a whole other story, but I say "accused" bc it basically boiled down to me still being friends with someone I previously had feelings for, and Kate believed I was more attracted to the old friend than her. That remained a sore spot for the whole time we knew each other, although I cut off the old friend a year after Kate and I started dating.

A few months went by, and they spent more time together at the school, and her car, hooking up at both. They never went to his place. He also asked her not to initiate text conversations, in case his girlfriend saw his phone. He came over to our place twice, and both times she texted me out of the room so they could be alone. Kate acted very happy talking about him, occasionally guilty or suspicious, but said she thought she loved him. Her moods fluctuated a lot, as she experiences manic and depressive episodes, and I was trying to comfort her through the bad times.

When they were about to graduate, Kate told Andrew that since they wouldn't see one another at school together anymore, she would stop talking until he broke up with his girlfriend. Then Kate saw his girlfriend show up at their school acting, well, like his girlfriend. So she became suspicious. Andrew also started flirting with another woman at their school, who flirtaciously messaged Kate. Kate thought Andrew was trying to set up a threeway, even after breaking off their situation. This ended with a lot of angry texts to Andrew from Kate, demanding that he tell his girlfriend everything. Andrew claimed he did, and then the conversation ended.

Many months later, Kate doubted Andrew told his girlfriend, so Kate asked me to make a burner account to message her, and I did. She didn't seem to be aware of any of it. At this point, Kate felt that Andrew had exploited her, but as far as I know, all of their interactions were consensual. I think she was trying to deal with her own guilt by leaving all the blame on him, but I never dared to tell her she'd done any wrong here. I also felt complicit in that I probably should have guessed that she was manic during this and given better advice.

I know this was a lot of info, but it could have been a lot longer. I'm just wondering now, a long time later, was ITA for not telling my friend flat out to stop the situation, or that she was doing something wrong?

[torrentialchaos]

I don’t normally do stuff like this, but I wanna give some theories and thoughts on the recent episode of digital circus!

First I want to bring up my theory that Gangle might actually have bipolar disorder. For those who don’t know, bipolar disorder is when you suddenly shift through depressed episodes, and manic episodes and these can last for weeks. And given how she suddenly went from feeling sad to literally running into oncoming traffic, and describing it as a manic episode, this just makes me think that maybe she could actually have bipolar.

Another thing I really wanna point out is that it’s really nice to see Pomni finally getting more used to the circus. She started off absolutely terrified and here she is finally taking the initiative and offering to do something nice for someone for once.

I also have to bring up my favorite scene, which was of course this one with Gummigoo, and the rest of his bandit gang. Ever since I saw the trailer I had this feeling that we would be seeing him again and I was right! And I could tell Pomni was really upset when he didn’t remember the bond that they had in episode 2

Another theory of mine is that Ragatha might also have some kind of minor depression as well. Me and my friend were discussing some stuff and he mentioned how when she got drunk, it’s almost like she forgot that she was supposed to act nice to people. Kind of like it filtered her out and we got to see her true colors.

It basically reminded me of Sayori in Doki Doki Literature Club. I remember Sayori saying that she always tries to make people happy because it makes her happy and it gives her a reason to keep on living. What if Ragatha is only just trying to make people feel better so she stays stable and doesn’t abstract?

that’s pretty much all I wanna say! This was a pretty solid episode and it was pretty cute. I loved it! Episode three still remains my favorite though

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

hi Gigi! how about number 2 for the prompt game?

Hi! If you had sent this ask yesterday morning, I would still be in a happy weekend mood and you might get a cute story about Mickey getting attacked by a swarm of bees on a picnic date or something, but unfortunately im answering this on my lunch break, so enjoy the emo vibes

2. Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.

The nightmares only started after Terry died. 

Before, Ian liked to joke that Mickey was a professional sleeper. He’d lay down and be sucked into a deep, dark unconsciousness within minutes. He was a peaceful sleeper, curled up on his side and breathing softly through his nose. 

On the rare nights when sleep was evading Ian for completely normal reasons, the way it had since he was a kid and stayed up all night worrying about how to tell Fiona he needed new shoes, he’d learned that just being in Mickey’s presence was like a melatonin ooze. He could wrap himself gently around Mickey’s plaint form and bury his face between Mickey’s shoulder blades, aligning his breathing with his boyfriend’s until sleep claimed him.

But the night they found Terry sitting pathetically with a bag over his head, Mickey fell asleep like normal but shot up and out of Ian’s hold after just a hour or so, miraculously not waking his sleeping husband. 

He’d huffed out uncertainly, reaching up to this own chest to feel his racing heartrate. His hands were shaking, and he could feel a headache coming on, so he got out of bed to splash some water on his face. 

Mickey got good at sneaking out of their bed without waking Ian, so good that it wasn’t until Spring was fully blooming and Ian was careening into a seasonal manic episode and they decided to see his doctor about the next day when Ian noticed at all. 

He was awake most of the night, mind racing beyond his usual anxiety, and counted a total of 5 times that Mickey woke up during the night. 

Sometime before dawn, Ian finally confronted him about it. 

“You’re not sleeping, are you?” 

Mickey shrugged evasively. 

“Is that why you’ve been so…” moody, sullen, miserable for the last month or so since you found Terry. 

“Could be” Mickey responded evasively, staring up at the ceiling. 

Ian leaned over and finally turned on their bedside lamp, silently admitting that neither of them were getting anymore sleep that night.

“What’d you think is wrong?” Ian asked curiously, laying back down with his head propped up on one hand shielding Mickey’s body with his own as his husband ran both hands roughly down his face, scratching satisfyingly against his couple days old stubble. 

Ian waited patiently for a response, knowing it would come.

“Shitty dreams” Mickey finally admitted quietly. “Terry, and my uncles, and my oldest brothers - the ones who died. And Mandy, she’s there sometimes.”

“Memories? Or is it just-” Ian asked hesitantly. 

“Yeah” Mickey said, licking his lips. “Memories that are all mushed together, but I’m around - I don’t know, 8 or 9 in all of them.”

“Why’re you a kid?” Ian asked confusedly. 

“I have no fuckin’ idea,” Mickey answered. He sounded so incredibly tired, just soaked in bone-deep exhaustion that had him on the verge of frustrated tears. “I broke my hand when I was 8, and my hand’s broken in all the dreams. It’s broken and it-it hurts so bad, Ian-”

“Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.” Ian hushed, bringing his hand down to sooth the heated skin at Mickey’s temples, like the could root out where the pressure was building. 

Mickey finally looked at him, “what are they doing right now?”

His husbands words gutted Ian, and all he could could do is lean over and kiss Mickey’s forehead, pulling the two of them closer together. He got confirmation when Mickey took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Ian’s waist, keeping him close.

“When I go to the doctor today, we should see if he’ll talk to you. See if we can get you some sleeping pills.” 

“I don’t want to-”

“Not forever” Ian cut off. “But you need some sleep. You’ve been miserable for a while now, haven’t you?” 

Mickey didn’t respond, but Ian could feel him nod. 

“Okay, so we get you something to get you to sleep for a while and hopefully once you’re better rested and your nerves aren’t so fried the nightmares go away.”

Mickey nodded again, then he spoke so quietly Ian barely heard it.

“I hate this.”

Ian took a steadying breath, staring out their bedroom window as the sky lit up in a light pink color. His chest ached and for the first time he understood what it meant to have your heart living outside of your body. 

“I know” he said soothingly, feeling Mickey sag slightly against him. “’m sorry.”

“I love you.”

Sorry 😭 I hope you liked it <3

Prompt Game Fun

[milkovichrules]

sorry to come into your ask box but i just rewatched mickey’s coming out scene and i just… i get choked up every time. i love ian but i also feel like he pressured mickey into coming out. of course he had to set his own boundaries but he KNEW how badly mickey was treated when it came to his sexuality, it’s almost seemed cruel to give him that ultimatum in some way. but then mickey comes out and all he could do was look at ian and ask if he was happy!!!! like i cant even explain all the emotions noel was able to put into his voice in that moment, it literally break me just thinking about it! he knew what was coming and he still only wanted ian to be happy.. thats really just something. i dont even have words for it but i wanna let out the loudest scream about it

hello sweet thing!! you're always welcome here💕

tbh the coming out scene always reminds me of noel's fucking beautiful ig post about Ian's character but especially 'the truly remarkable thing about Ian's inner courage is that it's infectious. to put it simply, he's brave and an undeniable reminder to those around him; they can be brave too.'

I used to absolutely not be at all but I am definitely an Ian defender about this to a certain extent.

like do we enjoy ultimatums? fuck no. it's a shitty way to go about it. BUT I have to think about what's probably going through Ian's head, right? keeping in mind he's in/just coming down from what we can only assume is his first ever manic episode.

mickey came to find him, literally carried him home and protected him from creeps. gave him a place to stay and didn't just plonk him on the Gallagher's doorstep, actively chose him over his marriage. went to the Gallagher's when Svetlana kicked him out and asked him to come back, agreed to do whatever he wanted to get him to stay with him. slept next to his tiny bed on the floor.

mickey kissed him, full on made out with him in public!! that's so huge!! he accepted an invitation to a little gay party with ian's new friends. he slept in the same bed with him without fear in a house full of strangers!! he doesn't even know that mickey told that guy that they were together 😭

we all know mickey is an acts of service girlie but Ian is the kind of person that needs to hear it too. and when Ian DOES ask it's 'of course we are'. like it's a given. mickey doesn't need to have the conversation, but Ian does. and as far as mickey's concerned 'it's working out so far so good' to be a couple that hides.

there's a million reasons mickey might want to still keep them a bit of a secret (though its a pretty open secret at that point). sure I think some of it is to protect his reputation, to not have any sort of weakness, and to some extent I think he feels a lot of pressure in protecting the reputation of the Milkovich name, no matter how infamous it is. maybe because of how infamous it is.

but I also think it's because what he has with Ian is theirs. and its something in both of their lives that's genuinely really beautiful.

like not to bring up 3x666 but that's obviously the moment that the bubble really burst. he had built up this little secret life with Ian behind closed doors and he was opening up! he was falling in love! and once people (Terry) found out it was just ripped open completely. ruined. I think there's some element of mickey wanting them to be back at that place before it all went to shit. which of course, they never can be.

just like when Ian starts heading for the door in the alibi. he doesn't think mickey's going to do it. Ian's going to walk out and not see Mickey for a while and then in a few weeks it'll be 'just cuz I've got a wife and kid doesn't mean we can't still bang' like it was back then.

but now mickey knows what it's like to lose him and he doesn't ever want to do it again (which 🥲 but anyway)

the fact that when Ian tells mickey he's sick of living a lie mickey's immediate response is 'I'm not lying to you' somebody fucking sedate me

and of course Ian wants mickey to come out so that they can be together but 'you're not free' absolutely kills me because he just wants mickey to be okay with being himself openly. and 'what you and I have makes me free' and ian's FAAAACE but then Terry shows up and he has to watch mickey tear himself away and go straight back in the cage and it hurts. of course it hurts.

so Ian drinks a little and lets himself stew and shoves mickey toward the edge of the cliff.

mickey's voice when Ian tells him not to bother coming back and he says 'what the fuck are you talking about?' breaks my heart every time because they're fine, aren't they? they just have to get through this bad thing and then they can go back to their little bubble.

mickey's always in survival mode, just varying degrees of severity. you can see him, literally see it on his face, weighing the options.

what's gonna happen if he does nothing? he's going to watch Ian leave. again. he's going to get blackout drunk and go home with his wife and his son and his fucking dad and wake up like that every morning for however long he can stand it. he's going to be walking on the eggshells of his own broken heart.

what's gonna happen if he says something? he's going to be physically hurt. he's going to bleed. he's going to have to bite and scratch his way out of that bar unless he's arrested or knocked out first. there's hopefully enough people around to keep Terry from straight up killing him. and what else? Ian stays. Ian stays and they get to go home together. take care of each other. sickness, health, all that shit.

so he does it. he shouts and he bangs on that table and he says it and hes fucking brave!! because he might think he's fucked for life but he has one beautiful thing that's worth fighting for!!

oh my god and him asking 'you happy now?' I fucking knooowwwwww honestly it makes me a little bit? insane? there is SO much going on there.

fucking getting everyone's attention to announce he's fucking gay and 'I just thought everyone should know that' and then looking at the only other openly gay person in the room and going 'you happy now?' jEEEEEsus like?????????

the eyebrow raise as well like 'you know exactly what's gonna happen now' and of course it does.

but Ian absolutely no hesitation gets stuck right into the fight!! and he says 'I've wanted to do this forever' which, same babe. I too would take a chair to the back wrestlemania style to defend mickey milkovich.

all my blorbos shitty dads I would be in your walls but you're all dead so✌️

[from-the-clouds]

you know what kendall deserves his version of willa (with a happier ending) he can do his lewis and clark of sex manic episode thing with her, it starts as filling the void with sex and pushing shit away, she wanted some fun and the money wasn't a bad thing and doesn't find him to be as awful as she thought he could be.

she becomes super protective of him once she realizes what he's actually going through, doesn't let his family speak over him. None of that your kids aren't your real kids bullshit, all 'that's it we're doing something about it' attitude. she convinces him to go back to rehab and stay in therapy treatment (and she waits for him)

it goes from sex buddies to actual friendship to love.

she becomes his number 1 fan, she gets him into collecting records and investing into things he actually cares about. maybe he starts a label? or he funds one. he wants to patch up his relationship with his kids guess who's there ready to be there for him?? when kens guilt returns about the waiter, about the election, about his kids, about everything shes is there. if the jess publishing a book thing is an in universe thing and he gets to see himself from the outside, she is there.

she also comes from this hard background and has done tons of work to heal, so she's ready to be there for him. nobody has ever actually cared about him, and wasn't counting on that being the direction of the relationship so it takes him a while to realize this isn't just sex and money anymore.

he probably keeps thinking the only reason she stays is because well she likes his money, the more he likes her the more he pushes her away because he thinks it's for the best. nobody really needs to put up with him, she figures it out though.

she knows the cycle, she has lived the cycle. they don't have to be together anymore but she will not leave him, he breaks, it's love, it's real. it might not be forever but close enough, and it's real love.

_

Anyway I'm not a writer I'm just tired of the nihilism of people with kendall my man is happy and content in the future, he finds happiness again. He still has stewy who will be definitely investing on the label thing even if he says he won't work with ken ever again. ken funds stewys lube line (the wetter the better) in repayment.

sorry that i sent this to you but i needed it to be out there somewhere. love your Professor!Ken headcanons! hope you're having a great time on your vacations 💜

i totally could see ken ending up with a willa! or someone like him. there are some really good ken x reader fics that have this sort of dynamic, too, even if doesn't go exactly how you type it out here!

i think kendall could literally do anything with his money, a record label would be a great idea since he's so into music/art and pop culture stuff! also him dating someone younger would keep him 'hip' to everything so he would see that as a perk of seeing her.

and yes! i could see their relationship being sort of cyclic like the show. maybe he pushes her away when he gets too emotionally involved, but she sort of keeps coming back because she likes him too.

i understand why kendall's ending has to be seen as grim for the sake of the show, but i don't know that it's as grim as 'he's going to die' if that's how jesse wanted to end the show that's how he would've ended it, you know? like i think it's intentional kendall was kept alive, but he will probably find something else to be obsessive about eventually. and the cycle will keep repeating!! but its not all bad in my opinion.

[nostalgiclittlespace]

Insight on dissociative disorders and age regression?

Later on I want to make a post simply discussing the dissociative aspects of age regression, but before I do that I’d appreciate some insight from people with conditions such as DID, OSDD, depersonalization/derealization, and other similar experiences. This is for 2 reasons.

Firstly, of course, is that I want to hear about other people’s experiences, and become more educated on the why and how others in the community use regression to cope. Really the only literature and education you’ll find on age regression is through people sharing their stories online, so furthering these conversations and discussing them openly is something really important to me, and others as well I’m sure.

The second reason is more personal. I don’t use this blog to vent very often, and this isn’t even really that, just to discuss my experiences with dissociation to see if anyone can relate and/or provide some advice because I’m trying to figure this all out. Anyway, here it goes: I’ve known for a long time that I experience some about of dissociation. I have episodes where I feel like I’m completely cut off from my body and the world, that I’m in a dream, and I can’t react emotionally—this namely happens when the depression gets bad.

I don’t really think I have alters. I don’t have memory gaps or precise differing identities, or even a trauma that would have caused me to split. (Everything I experience is just caused by me being neurodivergent, depressed, and stressed as far as I know) That being said, I know I’m extremely compartmentalized. Just in the way I regulate my emotions and actions, sorting them into what I’m allowed to feel, what I’ll react to later (when I’m alone), etc.

When this happens I’ll often get mood swings, ranging from a few minutes to several hours. I’ll jump from being extremely depressed, can’t get out of bed, to loving life and feeling amazing. The “I’m so exhausted, I can’t do this,” to “I’m living my best life.” With these swings, my general perceptions and motivations change too; I could be really angry at someone when I’m in a low, but feel sympathy for them at a high. What I perceive as someone crossing my boundaries or taking advantage of me at one moment seems perfectly reasonable later.

I especially feel this is relation to my age regression. I slide around in ages, usually to reflect what the situation or my emotional state calls for. These ages will also coincide with what I’ve mentioned above. When I’m in that really dark, lonely place, I feel like I’m regressed to 10-12. When I’m cheerful and playful I feel between 5-9. Moody but functional is 13ish, being the mature responsible adult of the family feels 20 something (older than I am bodily even)

I’ve seen very mixed opinions on endogenic systems, but could this be something similar? Like I said, I don’t have PTSD, just ongoing stress, that causes the shifts in personality, demeanor, and mental age. And I don’t think I’m bipolar, as everything I experience is rooted in dissociating, I don’t have extreme manic or reckless episodes, it’s almost always dictated by outside influences, and my depression isn’t severe enough is really impede daily functioning, though I might be wrong. I don’t even know how to put it into words, but the depersonalized, mood swings, and age regression combined just make it hard to get a clear picture of myself and my identity. Does anyone else relate to this? Is there a specific dissociative disorder that can explain it? I would really appreciate it if anyone would share their thoughts, even just to rule some stuff out, suggest what to look into, etc.

Thank you all for sticking around for this rambling, I appreciate it.

Happy regressing, everyone :)

-Marty

[quackity1999]

Damn, at least let me try to be nice, man.

... I mentioned it offhandedly when you were about to leave for your 'business trip'. It's fine, though. You were acting like you got high on various psychotics during a manic episode, so I didn't really expect you to remember. No hard feelings.

And, actually. Not really? Broke two mugs, yeah. He knocked over a bookshelf one time but I just. Fixed it?

Still probably more damaging to own than your, uhh. Alleged axolotl. I think I've heard that from someone. Amphibians can't do much to ruin your belongings, can they? In a tank.

. . one axolotle, one skeleton horse, and one iguana. yup. little q might be the easiest to look after, aside from ossium.

you should be used to my occasional hostility by now, y'know. the only reason i was acting like a crackhead is due to the fact i didn't have, y'know, my shit together. pushed stuff back too much and it bit me in the ass when i least expected it.

whatever. it's in the past now, so— i'm happy to be back on the paperwork grind again. at least you'll be 7% less stressed on the job, right?

[raptor-claw]

As someone who watched/is watching spn, would you recommend it to others? Im unsure whether to start it, as it's a super long show and was wondering if its worth it? I've watched and enjoyed shows such as buffy, tvd, and some others which are usually put with spn on rec lists, but still unsure? What's your opinion?

Oh, if you’ve watched shows like Buffy and enjoyed them you’ll definitely dig spn! It’s my hyper rn so I might be a *little* biased but it’s awesome, as a newer watcher I highly recommend it! It may seem daunting because of the length but I get through episodes so fast it’s unbelievable, I only started watching it a little over a week ago and I’m already on season three. It’s got some really good spooks too, and the character writing is top notch. I’d say definitely watch season 1 (the first couple of episodes feel a little stunted with plot and writing, but the dialogue gets better and you can feel the atmosphere and tension improving and building as the show goes on) and see where you go from there. It’s also one of those shows where you can still watch other things instead of focusing solely on supernatural without losing the plot as most episodes can work as a stand-alone and there’s a recap at the start of every episode. On a personal level I am obsessed with the characters and writing, it’s one of those shows where I have to pause it occasionally to take a breather else I’ll just be hyper-ventilating with excitement and manic energy while watching it, especially for the season finales I’ve seen so far! It’s a show that doesn’t take itself too seriously for the most part (until you get to the angsty bits and then it’s like a punch to the stomach xD) so there’s plenty of laughs to be had between the jumpscares & nail-biting tension :] Also it’s got some of the best music cues I’ve ever witnessed in cinema, seriously the music in spn hits so hard it’s unreal!

TLDR: I recommend watching season 1 fully at least to get a feel of the show and then see if you think it’s worth continuing. It’s a cult classic for a reason and balances it’s humour, angst and thrills very well! Happy watching and thanks for the ask :D

[cutepastelstarsalior]

Clone high season 3!!!!!! Let’s goooooo!!!!!

Episode 1

Joan is being exulted from the group :( also Jesus is here!!! I miss him..

Omg roll call song!!! Joan pls let them sing. Jackie the ripper….. Grell Sutcliff vibes. Ohg Vincent!!!!! The blorbo…

Oh yeah, the new teacher is definitely suspicious, and that new guy and Harriet are totally gonna be a thing. For some reason Abe and JFK feel a bit off? Also the husbands…I love them.

His I forgot what it’s like to laugh at jokes in a show…

😔 rip to jfgosh….maybe…

Honest to god I too would also try to pick a color before graffiti it…I now love the bench creatures

The eyeball scene….gross.

Random person in the hat, I love you.

Why do people think Joan try to kill them? Like yeah, she throw everyone in a pit, but then they were led to a room to be brainwashed??? I can understand them think the pit would kill them or something but???? Murder?????

Episode 2

Cinnamon being a rising star of snorkeling but flailing, Mr b a sex worker who ran away from home…….the elements for a hurt/comfort fanfic are here…..👀👀

Maybe it’s just me, but this painting reminds me of Saint Sebastian. It might be the arrows?….

Marie….NooOOOOOOOO. (I literally screamed seeing her knees) tho it make me wonder, marries can fully speak with her head off. Can clone just, not die? Is this just silly cartoon logic, or can clone can lose body parts and keep going? If that’s the case then thats a major reason why Joan’s mom want to clones to be leaders, they could be physically be un-killable.

Everyone wanting to get out of their small rural/supern town….Mood. Pls pls pls let there be an indie type coming of age romance or friendship episode!!! Pls pls.

Abe going a sport team!! Again!!! JFK doing more sports!!! It’s cool to see Abe, JFK, and Confusious as a trio. And to see Abe not being romance focused, JFK too.

Vince trying out for cheerleading, Genghis too <3

It’s kind of weird to see Harriet as the cheer leader captain? I thought it would be Cleo since that more of a mean girl/popular stereotype? Harriet taking the mean girl role feels weird? Like last season she was a nervous theater kid who wants friends? Now she the cheer captain??? But also snappy. She the mean smart girl??

Cleo charter moment!!!!!!! Her caring about Frieda’s art and respect it!!!!

I love this episode

Episode 3

:( did JFK not have an accent anymore? It goes and goes..

Catherine the great x Anna Boleyn 👀 👀 oh that a cute ship!!! Also LGBT background characters let’s gooo!!!!!!

“I’ll happy let you take my virginity” Abe…ABE.

JFK not like the label “slut” :(

Oh my god is bi/pan jfk going be canon??? Also hella Abe x jfk vibes, nice

Christian rock…..do you think Jesus clone would be weird out by this music or like it?

Side note, Vincent isn’t an active Blecher Creature. So if he’s not that, not popular, is he middle ground? Are all the background characters just….middle ground?? (I’m thinking to much of the logic here)

Abe x JFK…:..boyfriends/QPR real <3

The whole “jfk didn’t want to do sex/be seen as a slut/want to do more things in life” is like, a good premise but the execution on this episode???? :/ idk.

Clone Cleo x 2 and cloe Frida x 3. 👀 👀

Oh neat, my thoughts about how other schools/people outside of Exclamation Point don’t know that clones exist!!!!

Abe did you puke that ring out or something else???

Episode 4

Oh neato, that how Harriet texts!!! It’s always cool to find out how fictional characters text and talk to people!! (That and it makes chat fic more realistic if you cope the canon way characters text)

The husbands have sex dolls of each other….👀👀

HE IS NOT THAT BUFF I REFUSE to believe that’s canon

Confucius breaking up with Harriet. I mean, I don’t think looking at another man is cheating? But it’s nice to know that is isn’t in the wrong or did anything bad, well beside the whole bear thing.

Episode 5

Oh, so Confucius and Jain are fake dating…

Oh my god there doing a manic pixie dream girl…

JFK and Abe nothing seeing and hearing the shoulder angels and demons…..👀👀

Mr B acting more human <3

SKUNKY POO IS A GIRL?????

Harriet’s dance outfit is cute.

Ok, Joan and Confusious talking by the water, then then dancing was super cute. Also Abe and Mary? They seems like a cute couple. Also skinny poo and cinnamon dancing in the rain was nice (wish it was Mr b tho… :( )

Oh nice, Harriet and what’s his name ended on good terms! I was afraid they were going to fight.

Ennui = a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction. 👀 JFK having these feelings because the shoulder angel and devil aren’t there, representing inner conflict. 👀 👀

I really like Confusious’s character growth, he’s not into technology to find praise and company. He’s friends with Abe and JFK and him and Joan dating seems….healthy? Tho I do wish Joan stay single, 2 out of 3 seasons she’s been dating someone and it would be cool to see her be herself and do things she likes to do.

[thelediz]

Sonic Underground Episode 21: The Jewel of the Crown

I’m watching Sonic Underground in search of inspiration to finish a fic I’ve been writing forever. It’s a sad state of affairs. See the recap of the first three episodes here, if you're interested!

The plot (for want of a better word): Legend says the jewel from Aleena’s crown will glow brighter as it comes closer to her, and Robotnik thinks he’s found it! Can the Sonic Underground find the jewel—and their mother—before their enemies, or is there more to this jewel than meets the eye?

Aleena starts off this episode talking about resilience (though she calls it determination), which is nice. I think that might have been better with last episode, but egh.

Manic has made an electronic bug to spy on Robotnik. Can I just say this is very impressive given that while I didn’t mention it, it was only episode 13 where he said something about how he’d never thought of himself as a mechanic. You’re not supposed to notice this evolution – the series never draws attention to Manic’s technical skillset (because he’s a Tails clone) but if you are a problem like I am, it’s a nice little bit of Manic growing as a member of the Resistance.

So once again, we have Robotnik technically engaging in his city country kingdom’s economy, by having a pawn broker offer to sell Aleena’s jewel to him. Robotnik instead wants Sleet to steal it. As a dictator, or indeed as any legitimate head of state, he could just confiscate it, but he doesn’t. I am a problem, so I take this as more political manoeuvring to make sure the aristocrats remain happy with him.

He also offers Sleet half the money the pawn broker wanted, which builds on something @shinymisty-blog draws attention to in other posts: Sleet is still acting as a bounty hunter with Robotnik. Dingo is the only one being a proper indentured servant… except when he isn’t. Stop questioning the character motivations.

Meanwhile, the Sonic Underground debates how they can get the jewel before Robotnik. Sonia points out that they’re broke, and Manic suggests they ‘liberate it’.

I am entirely on Manic’s side this time, but hey. +1 to Manic’s Thievery is a Problem.

Sonic, on the other hand, suggests that Aleena wouldn’t have sold something that could lead her enemies directly to her because that would be incredibly dumb valuable, so clearly the pawn broker stole it first, which Manic jumps on by saying they’re just recovering the stolen goods. Sonia is immediately on board now because she wants to wear a pretty jewel. We sigh.

Emporium, the town of today’s episode, is another not!Constantinople city. Furthering the comparison is the fact it’s basically empty.

Meanwhile, we discover that Aleena is actually working with the pawn broker! Apparently she’s set a trap!

You know, I feel like these things would work better if she found a way to communicate with her children about her little plots.

Somehow, despite talking about how hard it will be, the triplets find the right pawn shop without any issue. But when it comes down to it, Sonic refuses to steal even for the right reasons. Are all the kids in the audience paying attention to this lovely Sonic Says moment? Yes? Yes? Everyone paying attention to the lesson?

Before it can come to a head, the rug they’re standing on turns out to be Dingo. I am actually going to give the siblings this one, for once, because I also didn’t twig to it. Although in hindsight I should have – we saw Sleet earlier, but no Dingo, and they did mention the rug was an offer from Robotnik, but I absolutely didn’t notice the colour. Maybe I’m tired.

Anyway. Both the siblings and the jewel are now in Sleet and Dingo’s hold!

Except they leave the siblings behind.

THEY LEAVE THE SIBLINGS BEHIND.

THESE. TERRIBLE. VILLAINS.

The pawnbroker stops Sonic from chasing Sleet and Dingo down immediately, but can’t stop him properly. So it feels a little pointless to have that moment, especially when Sonic does still stop their van from escaping.

Sonic’s plan to get the jewel back is almost as dumb and convoluted as… honestly, Sonic.

For some reason, he chooses to flood Sleet and Dingo’s transport with olive oil. You’re the fastest thing alive and you can take on half a battalion of SWATbots single-handedly. When Sleet opens the hatch to look around, squirrel past him, grab the jewel, get away. It is THAT SIMPLE.

Idiot boy.

But it gets the same result, and he very clearly hasn’t stolen it from anyone because Dingo just dropped it. Totally different to some moral guardian or another, I’m sure.

The song: The Cosmic Dance. I… yep, I’m tired, I can think of no comparisons. It’s actually pretty good though, I don’t hate it. It’s quite cute, like the sort of thing you sing to three year olds to encourage them to play Imagination… except it’s using some stereotypical imagery about yoga, hot coals, turbans… what culture do you think you’re referencing, song, because right now I’m just getting ‘vaguely foreign’.

It also references MC Hammer pants, which is very funny.

Okay, so everyone has the idiot ball today. The triplets are literally standing two metres back as Sleet loudly tells Dingo he’s put a tracking device on the van, and yet they happily jump in the van to run away from a bunch of snakes without removing said device. TRIPLETS.

So Aleena’s trap for the jewel has led the triplets (and therefore Sleet and Dingo) to a building that is actually a living plant. Dingo and Sleet are appropriately creeped out by this, and call Robotnik. For… some idiot monetary reason, Robotnik saying he’s going to come and catch Aleena himself bolsters Sleet’s confidence enough for him to be excited to go after Aleena again despite being creeped out.

Also, weird hoodoo magic, Aleena. Interesting. Sonic’s connection to Gaia says what

Sonia’s super strength +1

The tree goes after the triplets until Sonic cuts it off, but weirdly also doesn’t keep attacking Robotnik’s forces. What?

The episode ends with the triplets realising this was Aleena’s trap, and Aleena quietly standing on the sidelines as they leave, professing that someday they’ll be reunited.

Honestly, that ending feels VERY final. A bit of a downer ending, but there’s something bittersweet and hopeful that makes it feel like a proper ‘and the adventure continues’ that should have finished the series.

Basically I’m saying this should have been episode 40, but it wasn’t.

The counters:

Sonic implying less than 100% American heterosexuality: 5

Sonia in love with Bartleby: 4/37

Sonia in love with someone who is not Bartleby: 1/37

Sonia’s got super strength: 4

Manic’s thieving Is A Problem: 4

So come back tomorrow if you’re interested in the next 18 episodes that probably should have happened before this one!

[god-forsaken-sp-confession-blog]

Bipolar Cartman is so real so me, I love and hate him at the same time. Is any of the shit he does excusable? Hell no, the guy is immoral as hell. But would extreme mood swings associated with bipolar exacerbate his already broken morals and enable him to act out his insane schemes? Yes. Would this cut out narcissism as another label? Nope. Am I saying this as somebody with bipolar who has had their fair share of embarrassing manic episodes? Yes.

Symptoms of manic phase that I personally believe apply to Cartman in at least half of the episodes:

- feeling very happy, elated, or overjoyed (

- talking very quickly (especially with plans and tangents)

- full of energy (again, plans and tangents unless he’s being intentionally manipulative, still, we wouldn’t know for sure)

- feeling self-important (the biggest one, obviously could also just be regular narcissism)

- easily distracted (his shown inability to do schoolwork like a normal person ever, high love of screens as highly stimulating entertainment that won’t bore him)

- feeling full of great new ideas (this guy has created too many political uprisings or odd businesses, no kid would naturally be able to do this, the guy is motivated to an unnerving degree to fulfil his ideas without much thought)

- being easily irritated or agitated (any interaction with Kyle ever, most interactions, actually)

- being delusional or having hallucinations (Cupid Me could be interpreted as a hallucination, in my opinion it is, and being delusional in general too for this guy, so many opinions with little to no real evidence that he views as fact)

- making decisions that others see as risky or harmful (do I really need to elaborate on this one??)

And now onto the depressive side of things, obviously this would be harder to track, especially when we can’t know anything for certain when we aren’t in the characters head:

- easily irritated

- lacking energy (again, Cartman is one of those characters that could be anything in any given episode, he’s unpredictable. Mostly, his laziness is played as a joke, however, might this be the reason??)

- difficulty concentrating

- the depressive side of stuff is harder to discuss, I don’t think he’s the type of character to let it be known he’s upset unless there’s something to gain from it, in which case it then turns into a whole scheme, so I guess we’ll never truly know, though he does have tamer moments

Anyway, there’s also him talking to a therapist in the dick measuring episode and the therapist suggesting bipolar to Liane as reason for his behaviour

I imagine him turning into a teen or adult who would probably end up getting proper help, look back on his past actions, and have that universal shudder of fear reflecting on your untreated bipolar self cause shit can be embarrassing and nobody talks about it

Thank you - I seriously wonder if anyone else has this headcanon

.

[maester-of-spreadsheets]

Okay, despite being gleeful all week, I do have some thoughts/musings on IWTV and fandom commentary on ableist tropes. Probably will get a little spicy idk

So pretty much since the episode dropped on streaming platforms, I’ve seen people hoping Daniel still has Parkinson’s despite being turned and that it will be ableist if most or all of the symptoms are ameliorated (the terminal illness aspect is already gone.)

And well….. I really fundamentally and completely disagree with this.

I get why people are wary about miracle cure storylines. Truly I am. I love FMA but I think it’s obnoxious that everyone gets their disabilities wiped away at the end of the plot.

But … but but but but. I have an invisible illness myself. Started up late 2017, is mostly just annoying, but it interrupts my sleep every single night without fail. The cumulative lack of sleep leads to constant fatigue and the subsequent brain fog. It’s had a cascading considerable ripple effect across my whole life. Through a lot of trial and effort I’ve come to build a life I’m increasingly happy with. I’ve come to be very proud of how much I can do despite it all. I have greater internal strength than I realized.

And if someone offered me a miracle tomorrow even with a terrible trade off I’d take it. I’d take it even if it was only 3 full nights of sleep a week instead of 7. I’d take it in a heartbeat.

Now, Daniel……… clearly didn’t get to make that informed decision lol. Knowing what Armand is like. But he is super hype at the end of the show and I get it. I get it.

The worst symptom (which, again, is DEATH) is gone. Even if he has some of the other symptoms the worst one is gone gone GONE. Of course he’s ecstatic. Throughout the series he’s loudly and repeatedly said he wanted a cure. Hell, he explicitly says as much to Armand. His manic joy at the end is just so…….

Also it’s not actually a cure. He’s largely traded Parkinson’s for a host of other terrible things I.e. now the sun will kill him, he’s eventually going to see his daughters die (which he’s worried about before). He can’t taste nachos anymore for Christ’s sake.

If the quality of the writing remains up to par than this isn’t going to be the story of someone who had a redo button pushed on their disability. The trade off is enormous and we’re bound to see the negative side of vampirism with him.

In addition, this isn’t a like … Glee-tier style portrayal of a disability. Daniel isn’t sequestered from the main plot except for a few special episodes about how sad and inspirational he is. He has a lot of other things going for him (I wrote a whole post about this.) He’s also very vocal about how much it all sucks and he wants to feel better. You also see a lot of the mundane stuff you have to do with doctors and meds etc. The only thing we didn’t get was a depiction of the fairly common experience of him crying and screaming in a car because nothing exists that will make him feel better and confronting that yet again after being on the 15 minute conveyor belt in and out of the doctor’s office.

Not that I’ve been there or anything.

(I also thought I was alone in this until I started reading personal essays about invisible illness and kept coming across scenes like it.)

There’s a lot of reasons to be wary of disability rep in fiction. Right there with you. Totally get wanting to see stories of disabled joy.

But … I’m not there yet. I might never be. For me, the disability rep that currently resonates with me most is a miracle cure narrative. It’s the biblical story of the woman who can’t stop bleeding. Who touches Jesus’s robes to try and get a cure. And she does. But the cure is secondary to me. It’s what comes before; the desperation, the isolation, the mention that she spent all her money on doctors that didn’t help. It’s bleak, but it’s also an emotion I recognize in myself. That parable was clearly written with very real emotion involved and I can feel people in similar straits over the millennia reaching out to me through it. This too is yuri a disability narrative.

And yes it gives me comfort. Invisible illnesses can be very isolating, and many people have dark nights of the soul where you wonder if it’s going to be worth it carrying on like this, what you’d trade to get your old life back (if I do get it back…. I won’t actually because these years have changed me.) You learn a lot about the depths of your desperation and the heights of your strength. And yeah, that’s what I’ve felt through Daniel’s narrative.

He’s a weird fucking dude with a different illness than me but (not to use this word again) a specificity to his depiction that actually makes him feel way more relatable to me than inspiration porn or corporatized Pride ™️. And I can’t stress how much I apparently needed that. The care in his character has me curious to see what comes next. There’s a trust there that they’ll continue mining this side of his character even if the symptoms have changed. I just really highly doubt we will get something as blithe about it as FMA. Future Daniel will probably have moments as harrowing as All’s Well by Mona Awad (which I haven’t finished yet despite plodding away through it for years because it’s so accurate about chronic pain it makes me cry. But it explores miracle cures as an unsettling fever dream. The excitable anger that comes along when you have Good Days and can really contemplate how much goddamn bullshit you’ve been through.)

And yeah I …. Don’t know how to end this. Maybe I’ll just quote Pain Woman Takes Your Keys:

This raises the question of which woman is a better writer—me in pain or me without. The pain-woman speaks in a pared-down voice; she is a dreamy laser. You can’t tell her a single thing. She has room for only one emergency. She has to creep slowly and hold onto the backs of chairs as she moves, but she has a strange superpower. She cares more about the vulnerable soft flesh of everyone than my normal busy pre-pain self. She aches in slow motion for everyone’s crumbling life. She sees dead bodies wrapped in skin, sees the present moment as death in reverse. She is in a kind of ecstasy—not the way we understand the word as joy, but the older definition in Webster’s Dictionary: “an emotional or religious frenzy or trancelike state, originally one involving a mystic sense of self-transcendence.”

And then there was a day, a quiet landmark on the couch: the first day that I realized I wasn’t depressed because I was in pain. I realized my mood could separate from the bad news broadcasted by my nerves. I was okay in here, in terrible pain, but alive and watching it. Pain explodes, over and over. It’s also super tiring. And then I need food and sleep.

Later tonight I’ll get depressed because I have lesson plans to do, and I want to be more than this ecstatic, shattered, staring beast looking at the swirls. But for now, I see swirls, and I feel the weather in my bones. And I am two bodies, and one is the history of me. And the other is a lava-lamp Ghost Girl with a new voice I have to listen to—no, more than listen to. She wants the keyboard, and she doesn’t care about the life I had before she was born.

[diary-of-a-teenage-cultleader]

Diary Entry #5

Today's Date is Sunday Oct. 15th, 2023. Current time: 12:42 a.m.

Dear Diary, and to anyone who reads this,

So, I'm back, maybe for good, maybe not.

Let's start our story with what's happened in the last 2 years...

J and I fell in love, and we've met twice in person now, even visited his country. He asked me to be his on December 1st, 2021. Our 2 year anniversary is coming up, though he did reject me in the beginning between fear of commitment and my mental instability, which in retrospect, I understand. Which I will explain now.

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, the type of Bipolar where your depressive episodes last longer than your manic episodes. My emotions fluctuate heavily and I tend to switch up daily, though I've been stuck in a depressive episode since I've returned from Europe.

Doll, Leaf, GT and I have started work as sex workers, though GT is taking a step back due to a traumatic event that I'd rather not explain, even if no one reads this.

I've made at least $150 in the last year from sex work alone, and even gained a sub, he's friendly enough but I'd rather not talk about that right now.

I've moved in with my biological father, I basically have the apartment to myself since he's never here and frequently leaves me on my lonesome. I have to learn new hobbies and activities to keep myself from losing my mind.

I've learned to play ukulele, which I'm very proud of, and I've learned to paint, and wood carve. I've discovered a passion for language I never knew I had. I've grown an interest in DnD and hope to create a group soon.

I believe I'm non-binary, I've been having these feelings for the last year and a half now, dressing and flipping between gender presentation really makes me happy, but I still don't relate with the girl identity enough to be genderfluid, though I may be overthinking it.

But enough about me, well, at least talking about random things. I'll tell you about today, if you're still listening:

Today, I chatted with J for a short time today after I woke up late, he seemed reasonably stressed since his mom tends to randomly dump her feelings in random breakdowns recently, making my boyfriend feel as though he needs to constantly do better and he has to help her, I can't tell him that he might be traumatized from always being the emotional step stool for his mom.

So, I've been holding in my emotions about everything I've been feeling lately, as to not burden him, both good and bad. I don't want to be overbearing with my love, and I don't want him to worry about my mental breakdowns over missing him so much. He was upset that I didn't suggest something I should do for him when I left, I think he was stressed about wasting time because I was busy getting ready to go carve pumpkins with my dad's girlfriend's family. I felt terrible since he cancelled his family plans for me, but I even offered to stay and he said no, I just don't know how to help him sometimes, I accidentally got really blunt with him about needing to go to therapy, I just feel like I'm supposed to be his emotional support but he doesn't tell me upfront what he needs sometimes. I get it, it's annoying if you have to do it all the time, but I'm trying my best, and still learning. I'm just scared he's gonna realize that I'm not the best possible partner and leave. Everyone who was important to me left without a word of why. I know I can be problematic sometimes but I swear with every fiber of my being that I am working to make a better man of myself. Especially to him. I even wrote a little poem explaining my feelings over my life at the moment.

I know it may be a bit harsh to read but it's the truth of how my life has been so far, I recognize to others, I will be a burden. I hope to fix this, but if not, I'm not even sure what I would do with myself.

My boyfriend said he wanted to make me feel bad, to help him, I'm not sure if it's toxic or not. I feel like there's some toxic traits from both ends that need to be worked on. I need to stop changing myself for him, I've before put my whole schedule around him, defied my parents for him, nearly abandoned my friends because he didn't like them. I wanted to spend so much time with him. He makes me feel bad sometimes, that I keep him from having friends because I can be a bit jealous, but I told him that I'm not worried about it anymore, I've grown over it. I'm scared I traumatized him. I'm scared that I manipulate him. I don't want to do those things. I never want to hurt him... I'm just so stressed with the idea that I'm a terrible partner. I apologize, this was meant to be a diary entry, not a vent. But back to the entry, I went pumpkin carving and talked with my dad about stuff and it went about as well as talking to my dad usually does, he over shares, but at least I made a cute pumpkin and got s'mores. Which was nice. I'll include pics here:

So I suppose the day didn't end too bad, it just hurt that my bf left me on delivered. He may have fallen asleep. I'll talk to him in the morning but hopefully things can be talked about. Thank you for listening to my rant, whoever could get through this whole thing.

Thanks, Diary

STRD:

RIIST: