#the reason I think it MIGHT be a manic episode and not just happiness….is like……..having the bad impulsive urges to drastically change

[sanchoyo]

literally cannot tell if I’m having a manic episode or actually genuinely just hyper+happy bc it’s finally getting warm and pretty outside and perhaps that’s Doing Away With my bad 3 month long seasonal depression for the time being 🤔 I mean it’s ….nice? To have so much sudden energy the past like, week or so, but also vaguely accompanied with feelings of Dread bc 1. Why 2. How long will it last 3. Can I stop any Impulses and avoid doing anything Regrettable while I am Like This. Bc the track record historically has not been GREAT

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being complicit in my friend's situationship? (NSFW, and sorry, it's long, but at least it's dramatic.)

I had a friend (I will refer to as Kate), who I no longer speak to for reasons unrelated to this scenario. We dated on and off for a couple years and broke up permanently about a year before these events, but remained as roommates. Everyone in the story was in their 20s.

Kate went to a trade school and met a man (I will refer to as Andrew) who flirted with her despite mentioning before that he had a girlfriend. Kate was attracted to Andrew but told him that she wouldn't get involved with him unless he broke up with his girlfriend. He then told her that his girlfriend was distant to the point that they hadn't slept together in years, they basically were just friends that lived together, but she wouldn't let him officially break up with her, and he couldn't afford to move out on his own.

Kate told me about this, sometimes asking what I thought, and though I had some doubts about whether that information was true, I didn't give any real advice in any direction. Obviously I was in a weird situation, but didn't want to discourage her, or she might have thought I was jealous. She wasn't happy when I went on a date during this time. She also accused me of emotionally cheating while we were dating, so I was not about to tell her how to define cheating. That's a whole other story, but I say "accused" bc it basically boiled down to me still being friends with someone I previously had feelings for, and Kate believed I was more attracted to the old friend than her. That remained a sore spot for the whole time we knew each other, although I cut off the old friend a year after Kate and I started dating.

A few months went by, and they spent more time together at the school, and her car, hooking up at both. They never went to his place. He also asked her not to initiate text conversations, in case his girlfriend saw his phone. He came over to our place twice, and both times she texted me out of the room so they could be alone. Kate acted very happy talking about him, occasionally guilty or suspicious, but said she thought she loved him. Her moods fluctuated a lot, as she experiences manic and depressive episodes, and I was trying to comfort her through the bad times.

When they were about to graduate, Kate told Andrew that since they wouldn't see one another at school together anymore, she would stop talking until he broke up with his girlfriend. Then Kate saw his girlfriend show up at their school acting, well, like his girlfriend. So she became suspicious. Andrew also started flirting with another woman at their school, who flirtaciously messaged Kate. Kate thought Andrew was trying to set up a threeway, even after breaking off their situation. This ended with a lot of angry texts to Andrew from Kate, demanding that he tell his girlfriend everything. Andrew claimed he did, and then the conversation ended.

Many months later, Kate doubted Andrew told his girlfriend, so Kate asked me to make a burner account to message her, and I did. She didn't seem to be aware of any of it. At this point, Kate felt that Andrew had exploited her, but as far as I know, all of their interactions were consensual. I think she was trying to deal with her own guilt by leaving all the blame on him, but I never dared to tell her she'd done any wrong here. I also felt complicit in that I probably should have guessed that she was manic during this and given better advice.

I know this was a lot of info, but it could have been a lot longer. I'm just wondering now, a long time later, was ITA for not telling my friend flat out to stop the situation, or that she was doing something wrong?

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

hi Gigi! how about number 2 for the prompt game?

Hi! If you had sent this ask yesterday morning, I would still be in a happy weekend mood and you might get a cute story about Mickey getting attacked by a swarm of bees on a picnic date or something, but unfortunately im answering this on my lunch break, so enjoy the emo vibes

2. Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.

The nightmares only started after Terry died. 

Before, Ian liked to joke that Mickey was a professional sleeper. He’d lay down and be sucked into a deep, dark unconsciousness within minutes. He was a peaceful sleeper, curled up on his side and breathing softly through his nose. 

On the rare nights when sleep was evading Ian for completely normal reasons, the way it had since he was a kid and stayed up all night worrying about how to tell Fiona he needed new shoes, he’d learned that just being in Mickey’s presence was like a melatonin ooze. He could wrap himself gently around Mickey’s plaint form and bury his face between Mickey’s shoulder blades, aligning his breathing with his boyfriend’s until sleep claimed him.

But the night they found Terry sitting pathetically with a bag over his head, Mickey fell asleep like normal but shot up and out of Ian’s hold after just a hour or so, miraculously not waking his sleeping husband. 

He’d huffed out uncertainly, reaching up to this own chest to feel his racing heartrate. His hands were shaking, and he could feel a headache coming on, so he got out of bed to splash some water on his face. 

Mickey got good at sneaking out of their bed without waking Ian, so good that it wasn’t until Spring was fully blooming and Ian was careening into a seasonal manic episode and they decided to see his doctor about the next day when Ian noticed at all. 

He was awake most of the night, mind racing beyond his usual anxiety, and counted a total of 5 times that Mickey woke up during the night. 

Sometime before dawn, Ian finally confronted him about it. 

“You’re not sleeping, are you?” 

Mickey shrugged evasively. 

“Is that why you’ve been so…” moody, sullen, miserable for the last month or so since you found Terry. 

“Could be” Mickey responded evasively, staring up at the ceiling. 

Ian leaned over and finally turned on their bedside lamp, silently admitting that neither of them were getting anymore sleep that night.

“What’d you think is wrong?” Ian asked curiously, laying back down with his head propped up on one hand shielding Mickey’s body with his own as his husband ran both hands roughly down his face, scratching satisfyingly against his couple days old stubble. 

Ian waited patiently for a response, knowing it would come.

“Shitty dreams” Mickey finally admitted quietly. “Terry, and my uncles, and my oldest brothers - the ones who died. And Mandy, she’s there sometimes.”

“Memories? Or is it just-” Ian asked hesitantly. 

“Yeah” Mickey said, licking his lips. “Memories that are all mushed together, but I’m around - I don’t know, 8 or 9 in all of them.”

“Why’re you a kid?” Ian asked confusedly. 

“I have no fuckin’ idea,” Mickey answered. He sounded so incredibly tired, just soaked in bone-deep exhaustion that had him on the verge of frustrated tears. “I broke my hand when I was 8, and my hand’s broken in all the dreams. It’s broken and it-it hurts so bad, Ian-”

“Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.” Ian hushed, bringing his hand down to sooth the heated skin at Mickey’s temples, like the could root out where the pressure was building. 

Mickey finally looked at him, “what are they doing right now?”

His husbands words gutted Ian, and all he could could do is lean over and kiss Mickey’s forehead, pulling the two of them closer together. He got confirmation when Mickey took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Ian’s waist, keeping him close.

“When I go to the doctor today, we should see if he’ll talk to you. See if we can get you some sleeping pills.” 

“I don’t want to-”

“Not forever” Ian cut off. “But you need some sleep. You’ve been miserable for a while now, haven’t you?” 

Mickey didn’t respond, but Ian could feel him nod. 

“Okay, so we get you something to get you to sleep for a while and hopefully once you’re better rested and your nerves aren’t so fried the nightmares go away.”

Mickey nodded again, then he spoke so quietly Ian barely heard it.

“I hate this.”

Ian took a steadying breath, staring out their bedroom window as the sky lit up in a light pink color. His chest ached and for the first time he understood what it meant to have your heart living outside of your body. 

“I know” he said soothingly, feeling Mickey sag slightly against him. “’m sorry.”

“I love you.”

Sorry 😭 I hope you liked it <3

Prompt Game Fun

[horizon-verizon]

https://www.tumblr.com/baldwinhearts/753792475477557248/if-what-im-going-to-say-upsets-you-please-block?source=share

This is quite a strange thing to say when Alicent is a great representation of Phariseeism and religious hypocrisy. Adding to that, she has allowed her rapist son to get away with it and has allowed heinous sins and crimes for her own benefit, while still considering herself morally superior. But I think it makes sense that someone with this kind of conservative and hypocritical opinion would like Alicent; both are hypocritical, Pharisaic, and misogynistic.

Alicent's behavior is the typical Pharisaic behavior that Jesus would abhor. It's funny when people try to turn her into a genuinely religious figure....

It's all the same tradcath/tradwife/internalized sexist arguments over and over again, so I'm just going to talk abt some lines here and there:

she doesn't want her children to go through what she went through. she’s a good woman, with a very good heart, who deserves all the respect in the world. AND she represents all the men and women who have suffered in silence for years and have found the strength to stand up again — “i am not what happened to me”, that's what alicent represents.

Except in episode 7, Aemond explicitly says that their mother wanted Aegon to marry Helaena, who was even younger than Alicent when they marry. She slaps Aegon around manically in her insistence he do what he clearly did not want to do--go against Rhaenyra or look after Aemond when that last part was her & Criston's responsibility, not his, when her own father also used intimidation against her to do what he wanted to do with her. So she also makes "her children to go through what she went through". It's also ironic how she had to look to Cole to make Aegon change his mind abt his approach towards Rhaenyra in the 2nd season's first episode at the council; how Aemond refers to her as "Alicent" and "fool" -- her kids don't respect her both bc she is a woman, she already raised them to be might=right, self grasping little shits, and she did not really ever respect them. Esp not enough to even punish them for their own egregious acts (murder, rape, etc). So with what reason should I respect Alicent if she does not respect anyone but the patriarchal might=right dogma she preaches to have a bit of a pie she will never have but also chooses to say Rhaenrya doesn't deserve?

And that gets me to this:

she’s not sleeping with criston cole for him, but for herself. yes, she has created a strong bond with him, but if she sleeps and discovers her feminine desire with him, it's because she's doing it for herself. she’s never been in control of her body or her desires, she was only used to produce children for viserys — a filthy, neglectful husband with the charisma of an oyster. now that she's rid of him, she can finally discover herself, and it's beautiful to see.

Yeah...the only difference b/t what Alicent is doing vs Rhaenyra is that Rhaenyra is not in the socially-"appropriate" position of women which is she is not the consort of any lord or male monarch, so she is not seen as having "sacrificed" like Alicent has...meanwhile both women do not really comply with their marriages, even as Alicent's situation is more black-white coercion and abuse. I explain HERE.

Alicent and that stan's issue is that Alicent has been outwardly trying to destroy Rhaenyra for doing the exact same thing she herself has been doing. Why is it that Rhaenyra has to be as abused and suffer in the exact , cookie-cutter, same way as Alicent for us to identify the character of her own social entrapment that is unique to women/girls? They go through things that are categorically under the same family as "women having to compromise their own relationships with their bodies and happiness or sexual exploration for the sake of male ambition or societal patriarchal order". You are not negligent of what Alicent went through in her youth if you criticize her actions of the now that are setting not just her kids and but herself up for further disappointment as well, bc Criston's priorities are not her but her sons and himself.

He's going to eventually turn on her--maybe not violently or accusingly like Rhaenyra, but he's going to stop trying to be her silent advocate and swing more towards her sons' desires so he can boost his own influence. He's an incel, got mad that the girl he slept with didn't want to forgo everything she ever knew for him to sell oranges when that would have been itself a breach of their own loyalities to their houses as well as Cole, once again, breaking his own KG vows.

It's also canon; he's responsible for a lot of stuff that person may or may not know about, and if they do they are in serious denial if they think HotD is not going to have Criston be actively planning some stuff that he does in canon. This is the same dude who was all too willing to run away with Rhaenyra to ruin both of their relationships with their houses; Alicent by now maybe knows of the whole deal (can't be sure bc again, HotD didn't develop that) of him wanting to run with her AND she knows he slept with her and broke his own vows...for her to believe that Rhaenyra "wiled" him when she herself is busying him from performing his duties through sex is wildly hypocritical and shortsighted.

So yeah, she's doing shit for herself...but literally anyone else would have been a better pick, and I rather think bc it is Criston of all people, she rather than Rhaenyra is being way too selfish at the cost of those around her. HotD!Harwin sorta risked some shit for Rhaenrya by losing control on Crispy in the training yard so that she was even more alone then, but at least he never would have actually turned against her and/or her kids!

Alicent wants to act out as the matronly Queenly authority and doesn't want to tie herself to a dead man, a sick too old man and she has every ethical right to do so...however she wants her cake and eat it too. She wants to be seen as morally righteous and by the contradictory, sexist rules...but at the same time she thinks she can escape those rules by ignoring the implications of her own actions while hoping the men around her will respect her if she just manages to act outwardly like a "good girl". Of course most women of her time-place will likely feel similar, show!Rhaenyra herself doesn't totally escape from the need for validation for her ruling (bk!Rhaneyra could not be more different) BUT show!Rhaenyra also still doesn't try to make other women (or anyone) conform to those rules she herself is resisting more than Alicent.

While Alicent is still sincerely trying to get everyone to play the the rules she sincerely believes in, has made herself the exception of, and actively breaks. And yes, widows are also consigned to sexless-ness....why do you think so many real noble ladies were either forced or "voluntarily" consigned themselves to the nunneries (other than genuinely wanting to enjoy scholarly pursuits or to finally escape the reproductive demands of their families)?

I am not religious at all, and all my knowledge of Jesus has dwindled in years past since Catholic school and my last compulsory Church attendance. But yeah, agreed. Alicent and this user you link display a lot of dogmatic, oppressive conservatism and violence that he simply was not about.

That person really showed their hand:

alicent hightower is very personal to me, her character speaks to me enormously, i see a lot of myself in her. she represents women and men victims of domestic abuse and abuse of all kinds throughout the world, people who suffer and have suffered in silence for years.

As like this anon told us, it's not a rational sort of thing for a lot of Alicent's stans. It's too close to an idea of themselves:

they've always been people who, to say this nicely and vaguely, take a very passive approach to trauma and hardship sometimes to a frustrating degree. And the way they'll talk or write about these fictional women often mirrors the way they talk about themselves. And there's a good part of me that suspects they see themselves in these passive women and the patriarchal fantasy of one day being rewarded for passively enduring your hardships. It's basically internalized misogyny tied on with real life pain that they channel through fiction because, as I said, they're often either quite passive or quite... "my pain should be centered at all times but I refuse to extend that empathy I demand to others" in real life. Which is why I honestly don't think there's any sense in... trying to talk sense into a lot of these people. They're channeling feelings from their real life that they've not addressed in their real life, and they're so obstinate about it that they're not the kind of people who would ever see it as a chance to examine how they feel about their own life. Because for them, characters like Sansa and Alicent validate their own feelings about their own lives, while Dany and Rhaenyra challenge them and therefore must be destroyed in order to protect that validation, and they're simply not the kinds of people willing to rethink, or even be aware, of what they're doing. That's why they get so passionate while also refusing true criticism.

[milkovichrules]

sorry to come into your ask box but i just rewatched mickey’s coming out scene and i just… i get choked up every time. i love ian but i also feel like he pressured mickey into coming out. of course he had to set his own boundaries but he KNEW how badly mickey was treated when it came to his sexuality, it’s almost seemed cruel to give him that ultimatum in some way. but then mickey comes out and all he could do was look at ian and ask if he was happy!!!! like i cant even explain all the emotions noel was able to put into his voice in that moment, it literally break me just thinking about it! he knew what was coming and he still only wanted ian to be happy.. thats really just something. i dont even have words for it but i wanna let out the loudest scream about it

hello sweet thing!! you're always welcome here💕

tbh the coming out scene always reminds me of noel's fucking beautiful ig post about Ian's character but especially 'the truly remarkable thing about Ian's inner courage is that it's infectious. to put it simply, he's brave and an undeniable reminder to those around him; they can be brave too.'

I used to absolutely not be at all but I am definitely an Ian defender about this to a certain extent.

like do we enjoy ultimatums? fuck no. it's a shitty way to go about it. BUT I have to think about what's probably going through Ian's head, right? keeping in mind he's in/just coming down from what we can only assume is his first ever manic episode.

mickey came to find him, literally carried him home and protected him from creeps. gave him a place to stay and didn't just plonk him on the Gallagher's doorstep, actively chose him over his marriage. went to the Gallagher's when Svetlana kicked him out and asked him to come back, agreed to do whatever he wanted to get him to stay with him. slept next to his tiny bed on the floor.

mickey kissed him, full on made out with him in public!! that's so huge!! he accepted an invitation to a little gay party with ian's new friends. he slept in the same bed with him without fear in a house full of strangers!! he doesn't even know that mickey told that guy that they were together 😭

we all know mickey is an acts of service girlie but Ian is the kind of person that needs to hear it too. and when Ian DOES ask it's 'of course we are'. like it's a given. mickey doesn't need to have the conversation, but Ian does. and as far as mickey's concerned 'it's working out so far so good' to be a couple that hides.

there's a million reasons mickey might want to still keep them a bit of a secret (though its a pretty open secret at that point). sure I think some of it is to protect his reputation, to not have any sort of weakness, and to some extent I think he feels a lot of pressure in protecting the reputation of the Milkovich name, no matter how infamous it is. maybe because of how infamous it is.

but I also think it's because what he has with Ian is theirs. and its something in both of their lives that's genuinely really beautiful.

like not to bring up 3x666 but that's obviously the moment that the bubble really burst. he had built up this little secret life with Ian behind closed doors and he was opening up! he was falling in love! and once people (Terry) found out it was just ripped open completely. ruined. I think there's some element of mickey wanting them to be back at that place before it all went to shit. which of course, they never can be.

just like when Ian starts heading for the door in the alibi. he doesn't think mickey's going to do it. Ian's going to walk out and not see Mickey for a while and then in a few weeks it'll be 'just cuz I've got a wife and kid doesn't mean we can't still bang' like it was back then.

but now mickey knows what it's like to lose him and he doesn't ever want to do it again (which 🥲 but anyway)

the fact that when Ian tells mickey he's sick of living a lie mickey's immediate response is 'I'm not lying to you' somebody fucking sedate me

and of course Ian wants mickey to come out so that they can be together but 'you're not free' absolutely kills me because he just wants mickey to be okay with being himself openly. and 'what you and I have makes me free' and ian's FAAAACE but then Terry shows up and he has to watch mickey tear himself away and go straight back in the cage and it hurts. of course it hurts.

so Ian drinks a little and lets himself stew and shoves mickey toward the edge of the cliff.

mickey's voice when Ian tells him not to bother coming back and he says 'what the fuck are you talking about?' breaks my heart every time because they're fine, aren't they? they just have to get through this bad thing and then they can go back to their little bubble.

mickey's always in survival mode, just varying degrees of severity. you can see him, literally see it on his face, weighing the options.

what's gonna happen if he does nothing? he's going to watch Ian leave. again. he's going to get blackout drunk and go home with his wife and his son and his fucking dad and wake up like that every morning for however long he can stand it. he's going to be walking on the eggshells of his own broken heart.

what's gonna happen if he says something? he's going to be physically hurt. he's going to bleed. he's going to have to bite and scratch his way out of that bar unless he's arrested or knocked out first. there's hopefully enough people around to keep Terry from straight up killing him. and what else? Ian stays. Ian stays and they get to go home together. take care of each other. sickness, health, all that shit.

so he does it. he shouts and he bangs on that table and he says it and hes fucking brave!! because he might think he's fucked for life but he has one beautiful thing that's worth fighting for!!

oh my god and him asking 'you happy now?' I fucking knooowwwwww honestly it makes me a little bit? insane? there is SO much going on there.

fucking getting everyone's attention to announce he's fucking gay and 'I just thought everyone should know that' and then looking at the only other openly gay person in the room and going 'you happy now?' jEEEEEsus like?????????

the eyebrow raise as well like 'you know exactly what's gonna happen now' and of course it does.

but Ian absolutely no hesitation gets stuck right into the fight!! and he says 'I've wanted to do this forever' which, same babe. I too would take a chair to the back wrestlemania style to defend mickey milkovich.

all my blorbos shitty dads I would be in your walls but you're all dead so✌️

[from-the-clouds]

you know what kendall deserves his version of willa (with a happier ending) he can do his lewis and clark of sex manic episode thing with her, it starts as filling the void with sex and pushing shit away, she wanted some fun and the money wasn't a bad thing and doesn't find him to be as awful as she thought he could be.

she becomes super protective of him once she realizes what he's actually going through, doesn't let his family speak over him. None of that your kids aren't your real kids bullshit, all 'that's it we're doing something about it' attitude. she convinces him to go back to rehab and stay in therapy treatment (and she waits for him)

it goes from sex buddies to actual friendship to love.

she becomes his number 1 fan, she gets him into collecting records and investing into things he actually cares about. maybe he starts a label? or he funds one. he wants to patch up his relationship with his kids guess who's there ready to be there for him?? when kens guilt returns about the waiter, about the election, about his kids, about everything shes is there. if the jess publishing a book thing is an in universe thing and he gets to see himself from the outside, she is there.

she also comes from this hard background and has done tons of work to heal, so she's ready to be there for him. nobody has ever actually cared about him, and wasn't counting on that being the direction of the relationship so it takes him a while to realize this isn't just sex and money anymore.

he probably keeps thinking the only reason she stays is because well she likes his money, the more he likes her the more he pushes her away because he thinks it's for the best. nobody really needs to put up with him, she figures it out though.

she knows the cycle, she has lived the cycle. they don't have to be together anymore but she will not leave him, he breaks, it's love, it's real. it might not be forever but close enough, and it's real love.

_

Anyway I'm not a writer I'm just tired of the nihilism of people with kendall my man is happy and content in the future, he finds happiness again. He still has stewy who will be definitely investing on the label thing even if he says he won't work with ken ever again. ken funds stewys lube line (the wetter the better) in repayment.

sorry that i sent this to you but i needed it to be out there somewhere. love your Professor!Ken headcanons! hope you're having a great time on your vacations 💜

i totally could see ken ending up with a willa! or someone like him. there are some really good ken x reader fics that have this sort of dynamic, too, even if doesn't go exactly how you type it out here!

i think kendall could literally do anything with his money, a record label would be a great idea since he's so into music/art and pop culture stuff! also him dating someone younger would keep him 'hip' to everything so he would see that as a perk of seeing her.

and yes! i could see their relationship being sort of cyclic like the show. maybe he pushes her away when he gets too emotionally involved, but she sort of keeps coming back because she likes him too.

i understand why kendall's ending has to be seen as grim for the sake of the show, but i don't know that it's as grim as 'he's going to die' if that's how jesse wanted to end the show that's how he would've ended it, you know? like i think it's intentional kendall was kept alive, but he will probably find something else to be obsessive about eventually. and the cycle will keep repeating!! but its not all bad in my opinion.

[kandyzee]

thoughts on the book Fiona found and read during Monica's funeral? Not that if it exists, or maybe. I find it interesting that's what she used to maybe get to know her better? Or to have something to say since she had nothing? What did the book mean to her?

Honestly, I haven't really thought about this in depth before. I kinda just skipped past it as something insignificant, so thanks for asking this :)

So, from what i found, the book she finds is Siddhartha, a story of a man going on a spiritual journey. I've never read it so idk if everything I'm saying here is right cause its just what I gathered from Google

In the book, Siddhartha feels like he has to leave his family and feels like his child hated him because he has riches. I think this is something Monica would deeply relate to. Siddhartha fasts, becomes homeless, renounces all personal possessions, and intensely meditates when he starts his journey. Inconsistent eating, giving away/losing belongings, racing thoughts, and zoning out are all things that can happen when someone is in a manic episode. What Siddhartha does and how Monica may feel during an episode are very similar, and given that she's manic she probably believes she is also on a journey of enlightenment like the protagonist. It makes sense to me that this novel would be something Monica held close. At the end of the story, Siddhartha reaches enlightenment. He reconnects with his son in the sense that he can let him go, so basically, it's a happy ending. Monica wants that. That story is hope for her. In the same way Siddhartha is helped during his spiral journey, Monica wishes to be helped on her mental health journey.

'for every true statement there is an opposite one that is also true' I can see Monica connecting this to herself. The conflict of truth is similar to her own conflict of emotions. Or maybe even her 'true self' like she's a bad mother (true) but she also wants to connect and care about her children (true) thoese 2 statements are right but what one is more her?

Literature is a fantastic way to express yourself. Monica expresses herself through her love for the novel, she even underlines parts of it. Fiona never got to understand her mother when she was alive and now is her chance. It's not Monica's words but it can be seen as things she didn't get to say. In s1 fiona refers to lip as their mums favourite, we see during the show that Monica's favourite is Ian or Debbie, Monica tries to take Liam away for another chance. Many times fiona is overlooked by her mother (this happens to Carl too) but this book is hers. Its a chance not to only understand Monica but to have something one on one with her.

I think fiona would also relate to the book herself. Fiona leaves her family - like Monica and Siddhartha- after she gets a lot of money -like Siddhartha- so that she can become her own better person. She's starting her own journey. Even tho fiona hadn't left yet when Monica died I would love if this book stayed with her. Maybe it helps her come to the decision that she's ready to leave. Like Monica fiona craves help and support we see this all the time, normally in the form her acting rude and demanding praise but that's not important rn. Reading the Siddharthas story might of prompted her to see her how and her mum arent always so different.

Fiona quotes the book at Monica's funeral and I really really tried to find what quote it was but I sadly couldn't get a concrete answer. I think the fact fiona memorised a quote (probably one of the ones Monica had underlined) shows just how much she wanted to understand. Fiona doesn't say many good things about monica, she's always angry at her, blaming her (for good reason obviously) but lots of the time I think fiona uses angry as a way to cover up her sadness towards monica. Yeah she says she's happy she's dead but she still took time to memories quotes her mum held close to herself.

The book might also be a replacement of motherly advice. The novel is filled with wisdom. Monica had read the book, she had internalised the philosophies and now Fiona gets to do the same. Monica never got to bond with fiona and help her becomes the person she's meant to be like she's meant to. Monica passing down the book is like passing down her wisdom. She couldn't shape fiona when she was alive but she can indirectly help when she's dead.

Okayy I don't really have anything else to say, I kinda wanna read the book now tho. The shameless writers really ate with this one might be one of my new favourite details.

[cutepastelstarsalior]

Clone high season 3!!!!!! Let’s goooooo!!!!!

Episode 1

Joan is being exulted from the group :( also Jesus is here!!! I miss him..

Omg roll call song!!! Joan pls let them sing. Jackie the ripper….. Grell Sutcliff vibes. Ohg Vincent!!!!! The blorbo…

Oh yeah, the new teacher is definitely suspicious, and that new guy and Harriet are totally gonna be a thing. For some reason Abe and JFK feel a bit off? Also the husbands…I love them.

His I forgot what it’s like to laugh at jokes in a show…

😔 rip to jfgosh….maybe…

Honest to god I too would also try to pick a color before graffiti it…I now love the bench creatures

The eyeball scene….gross.

Random person in the hat, I love you.

Why do people think Joan try to kill them? Like yeah, she throw everyone in a pit, but then they were led to a room to be brainwashed??? I can understand them think the pit would kill them or something but???? Murder?????

Episode 2

Cinnamon being a rising star of snorkeling but flailing, Mr b a sex worker who ran away from home…….the elements for a hurt/comfort fanfic are here…..👀👀

Maybe it’s just me, but this painting reminds me of Saint Sebastian. It might be the arrows?….

Marie….NooOOOOOOOO. (I literally screamed seeing her knees) tho it make me wonder, marries can fully speak with her head off. Can clone just, not die? Is this just silly cartoon logic, or can clone can lose body parts and keep going? If that’s the case then thats a major reason why Joan’s mom want to clones to be leaders, they could be physically be un-killable.

Everyone wanting to get out of their small rural/supern town….Mood. Pls pls pls let there be an indie type coming of age romance or friendship episode!!! Pls pls.

Abe going a sport team!! Again!!! JFK doing more sports!!! It’s cool to see Abe, JFK, and Confusious as a trio. And to see Abe not being romance focused, JFK too.

Vince trying out for cheerleading, Genghis too <3

It’s kind of weird to see Harriet as the cheer leader captain? I thought it would be Cleo since that more of a mean girl/popular stereotype? Harriet taking the mean girl role feels weird? Like last season she was a nervous theater kid who wants friends? Now she the cheer captain??? But also snappy. She the mean smart girl??

Cleo charter moment!!!!!!! Her caring about Frieda’s art and respect it!!!!

I love this episode

Episode 3

:( did JFK not have an accent anymore? It goes and goes..

Catherine the great x Anna Boleyn 👀 👀 oh that a cute ship!!! Also LGBT background characters let’s gooo!!!!!!

“I’ll happy let you take my virginity” Abe…ABE.

JFK not like the label “slut” :(

Oh my god is bi/pan jfk going be canon??? Also hella Abe x jfk vibes, nice

Christian rock…..do you think Jesus clone would be weird out by this music or like it?

Side note, Vincent isn’t an active Blecher Creature. So if he’s not that, not popular, is he middle ground? Are all the background characters just….middle ground?? (I’m thinking to much of the logic here)

Abe x JFK…:..boyfriends/QPR real <3

The whole “jfk didn’t want to do sex/be seen as a slut/want to do more things in life” is like, a good premise but the execution on this episode???? :/ idk.

Clone Cleo x 2 and cloe Frida x 3. 👀 👀

Oh neat, my thoughts about how other schools/people outside of Exclamation Point don’t know that clones exist!!!!

Abe did you puke that ring out or something else???

Episode 4

Oh neato, that how Harriet texts!!! It’s always cool to find out how fictional characters text and talk to people!! (That and it makes chat fic more realistic if you cope the canon way characters text)

The husbands have sex dolls of each other….👀👀

HE IS NOT THAT BUFF I REFUSE to believe that’s canon

Confucius breaking up with Harriet. I mean, I don’t think looking at another man is cheating? But it’s nice to know that is isn’t in the wrong or did anything bad, well beside the whole bear thing.

Episode 5

Oh, so Confucius and Jain are fake dating…

Oh my god there doing a manic pixie dream girl…

JFK and Abe nothing seeing and hearing the shoulder angels and demons…..👀👀

Mr B acting more human <3

SKUNKY POO IS A GIRL?????

Harriet’s dance outfit is cute.

Ok, Joan and Confusious talking by the water, then then dancing was super cute. Also Abe and Mary? They seems like a cute couple. Also skinny poo and cinnamon dancing in the rain was nice (wish it was Mr b tho… :( )

Oh nice, Harriet and what’s his name ended on good terms! I was afraid they were going to fight.

Ennui = a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction. 👀 JFK having these feelings because the shoulder angel and devil aren’t there, representing inner conflict. 👀 👀

I really like Confusious’s character growth, he’s not into technology to find praise and company. He’s friends with Abe and JFK and him and Joan dating seems….healthy? Tho I do wish Joan stay single, 2 out of 3 seasons she’s been dating someone and it would be cool to see her be herself and do things she likes to do.

[thelediz]

Sonic Underground Episode 21: The Jewel of the Crown

I’m watching Sonic Underground in search of inspiration to finish a fic I’ve been writing forever. It’s a sad state of affairs. See the recap of the first three episodes here, if you're interested!

The plot (for want of a better word): Legend says the jewel from Aleena’s crown will glow brighter as it comes closer to her, and Robotnik thinks he’s found it! Can the Sonic Underground find the jewel—and their mother—before their enemies, or is there more to this jewel than meets the eye?

Aleena starts off this episode talking about resilience (though she calls it determination), which is nice. I think that might have been better with last episode, but egh.

Manic has made an electronic bug to spy on Robotnik. Can I just say this is very impressive given that while I didn’t mention it, it was only episode 13 where he said something about how he’d never thought of himself as a mechanic. You’re not supposed to notice this evolution – the series never draws attention to Manic’s technical skillset (because he’s a Tails clone) but if you are a problem like I am, it’s a nice little bit of Manic growing as a member of the Resistance.

So once again, we have Robotnik technically engaging in his city country kingdom’s economy, by having a pawn broker offer to sell Aleena’s jewel to him. Robotnik instead wants Sleet to steal it. As a dictator, or indeed as any legitimate head of state, he could just confiscate it, but he doesn’t. I am a problem, so I take this as more political manoeuvring to make sure the aristocrats remain happy with him.

He also offers Sleet half the money the pawn broker wanted, which builds on something @shinymisty-blog draws attention to in other posts: Sleet is still acting as a bounty hunter with Robotnik. Dingo is the only one being a proper indentured servant… except when he isn’t. Stop questioning the character motivations.

Meanwhile, the Sonic Underground debates how they can get the jewel before Robotnik. Sonia points out that they’re broke, and Manic suggests they ‘liberate it’.

I am entirely on Manic’s side this time, but hey. +1 to Manic’s Thievery is a Problem.

Sonic, on the other hand, suggests that Aleena wouldn’t have sold something that could lead her enemies directly to her because that would be incredibly dumb valuable, so clearly the pawn broker stole it first, which Manic jumps on by saying they’re just recovering the stolen goods. Sonia is immediately on board now because she wants to wear a pretty jewel. We sigh.

Emporium, the town of today’s episode, is another not!Constantinople city. Furthering the comparison is the fact it’s basically empty.

Meanwhile, we discover that Aleena is actually working with the pawn broker! Apparently she’s set a trap!

You know, I feel like these things would work better if she found a way to communicate with her children about her little plots.

Somehow, despite talking about how hard it will be, the triplets find the right pawn shop without any issue. But when it comes down to it, Sonic refuses to steal even for the right reasons. Are all the kids in the audience paying attention to this lovely Sonic Says moment? Yes? Yes? Everyone paying attention to the lesson?

Before it can come to a head, the rug they’re standing on turns out to be Dingo. I am actually going to give the siblings this one, for once, because I also didn’t twig to it. Although in hindsight I should have – we saw Sleet earlier, but no Dingo, and they did mention the rug was an offer from Robotnik, but I absolutely didn’t notice the colour. Maybe I’m tired.

Anyway. Both the siblings and the jewel are now in Sleet and Dingo’s hold!

Except they leave the siblings behind.

THEY LEAVE THE SIBLINGS BEHIND.

THESE. TERRIBLE. VILLAINS.

The pawnbroker stops Sonic from chasing Sleet and Dingo down immediately, but can’t stop him properly. So it feels a little pointless to have that moment, especially when Sonic does still stop their van from escaping.

Sonic’s plan to get the jewel back is almost as dumb and convoluted as… honestly, Sonic.

For some reason, he chooses to flood Sleet and Dingo’s transport with olive oil. You’re the fastest thing alive and you can take on half a battalion of SWATbots single-handedly. When Sleet opens the hatch to look around, squirrel past him, grab the jewel, get away. It is THAT SIMPLE.

Idiot boy.

But it gets the same result, and he very clearly hasn’t stolen it from anyone because Dingo just dropped it. Totally different to some moral guardian or another, I’m sure.

The song: The Cosmic Dance. I… yep, I’m tired, I can think of no comparisons. It’s actually pretty good though, I don’t hate it. It’s quite cute, like the sort of thing you sing to three year olds to encourage them to play Imagination… except it’s using some stereotypical imagery about yoga, hot coals, turbans… what culture do you think you’re referencing, song, because right now I’m just getting ‘vaguely foreign’.

It also references MC Hammer pants, which is very funny.

Okay, so everyone has the idiot ball today. The triplets are literally standing two metres back as Sleet loudly tells Dingo he’s put a tracking device on the van, and yet they happily jump in the van to run away from a bunch of snakes without removing said device. TRIPLETS.

So Aleena’s trap for the jewel has led the triplets (and therefore Sleet and Dingo) to a building that is actually a living plant. Dingo and Sleet are appropriately creeped out by this, and call Robotnik. For… some idiot monetary reason, Robotnik saying he’s going to come and catch Aleena himself bolsters Sleet’s confidence enough for him to be excited to go after Aleena again despite being creeped out.

Also, weird hoodoo magic, Aleena. Interesting. Sonic’s connection to Gaia says what

Sonia’s super strength +1

The tree goes after the triplets until Sonic cuts it off, but weirdly also doesn’t keep attacking Robotnik’s forces. What?

The episode ends with the triplets realising this was Aleena’s trap, and Aleena quietly standing on the sidelines as they leave, professing that someday they’ll be reunited.

Honestly, that ending feels VERY final. A bit of a downer ending, but there’s something bittersweet and hopeful that makes it feel like a proper ‘and the adventure continues’ that should have finished the series.

Basically I’m saying this should have been episode 40, but it wasn’t.

The counters:

Sonic implying less than 100% American heterosexuality: 5

Sonia in love with Bartleby: 4/37

Sonia in love with someone who is not Bartleby: 1/37

Sonia’s got super strength: 4

Manic’s thieving Is A Problem: 4

So come back tomorrow if you’re interested in the next 18 episodes that probably should have happened before this one!

[god-forsaken-sp-confession-blog]

Bipolar Cartman is so real so me, I love and hate him at the same time. Is any of the shit he does excusable? Hell no, the guy is immoral as hell. But would extreme mood swings associated with bipolar exacerbate his already broken morals and enable him to act out his insane schemes? Yes. Would this cut out narcissism as another label? Nope. Am I saying this as somebody with bipolar who has had their fair share of embarrassing manic episodes? Yes.

Symptoms of manic phase that I personally believe apply to Cartman in at least half of the episodes:

- feeling very happy, elated, or overjoyed (

- talking very quickly (especially with plans and tangents)

- full of energy (again, plans and tangents unless he’s being intentionally manipulative, still, we wouldn’t know for sure)

- feeling self-important (the biggest one, obviously could also just be regular narcissism)

- easily distracted (his shown inability to do schoolwork like a normal person ever, high love of screens as highly stimulating entertainment that won’t bore him)

- feeling full of great new ideas (this guy has created too many political uprisings or odd businesses, no kid would naturally be able to do this, the guy is motivated to an unnerving degree to fulfil his ideas without much thought)

- being easily irritated or agitated (any interaction with Kyle ever, most interactions, actually)

- being delusional or having hallucinations (Cupid Me could be interpreted as a hallucination, in my opinion it is, and being delusional in general too for this guy, so many opinions with little to no real evidence that he views as fact)

- making decisions that others see as risky or harmful (do I really need to elaborate on this one??)

And now onto the depressive side of things, obviously this would be harder to track, especially when we can’t know anything for certain when we aren’t in the characters head:

- easily irritated

- lacking energy (again, Cartman is one of those characters that could be anything in any given episode, he’s unpredictable. Mostly, his laziness is played as a joke, however, might this be the reason??)

- difficulty concentrating

- the depressive side of stuff is harder to discuss, I don’t think he’s the type of character to let it be known he’s upset unless there’s something to gain from it, in which case it then turns into a whole scheme, so I guess we’ll never truly know, though he does have tamer moments

Anyway, there’s also him talking to a therapist in the dick measuring episode and the therapist suggesting bipolar to Liane as reason for his behaviour

I imagine him turning into a teen or adult who would probably end up getting proper help, look back on his past actions, and have that universal shudder of fear reflecting on your untreated bipolar self cause shit can be embarrassing and nobody talks about it

Thank you - I seriously wonder if anyone else has this headcanon

.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Vaguely incoherent stuff about what might have become my favourite episode of the Robins/James radio show. Not for any one particular reason, it was just very funny. The whole post could basically be summarized in those few sentences.

Reached episode 220 of the Radio X shows, from May 2018, and I think it might be the funniest one I've heard so far.

Normally, to be honest, I like that this show is nice easy listening. I'm sorry that this is a massively backhanded compliment because I don't mean it that way and love the show, but I do like that it's something I can easily listen to on the commute to work or on a break at work or something, and it's not going to make me fall apart laughing in public. I mean, I always try to get a spot at the front of the train and facing the wall so I can laugh a bit without people seeing me. But I won't necessarily laugh out loud to the point of it being a problem.

For whatever reason, on this day in May 2018, they hit a stride to the point where I found it difficult to listen on a break at work because I didn't want my coworkers to hear laughter coming from the empty classroom in which I'd barricaded myself. They were both just on for the entire time. I should maybe say they were all on, because Vin was good too. It was so much fun to listen to.

They do repeatedly announce that they were both at a party last night and are both hungover, and John repeatedly announces that he's in a terrible mood for at least the first half of the episode, so we have further confirmation that alcohol always makes people better at their jobs and John Robins should never be allowed to be happy. Although he did mention on the next episode that he was almost a week into things with his new girlfriend, which I realized probably explained why there was the sort of manic giddiness alongside his irritability and hangover the previous week, which I think was the recipe for why everything he said was so funny. But that's not sustainable, you can't have John Robins acquire a girlfriend every week just because it might put him in a particularly excitable broadcasting mood. That's definitely not a good idea. When they announced that, I did have a brief reaction of "Oh my God, again? He's doing it again? Oh God, I forgot that that he's going to do it again. Isn't he tired? How does he have the energy to do this all over again? I barely have the energy to listen to him do it all over again." The radio episodes were quite a rollercoaster during his previous relationship, turning up every other week with anecdotes that made me wince and think this is a terrible idea, and then there was the breakup phase that was even more of a rollercoaster, and I was vaguely aware from having read his Wikipedia page that between the point I'm at (mid-2018) and present day he gets into an other relationship, gets engaged, and then it ends again. But I'd forgotten it was going to happen until they actually mentioned it. It was pretty similar to my reaction when any of my friends tell me they've got into a relationship, which is "Oh I'm going to have to spend so much time listening to stories about how your relationship is going that always make me think you should definitely not be in it anymore, and I'll have to stand there and not say that, and hanging out will get awkward because I have to pretend I think your relationship is a good idea, and then eventually there will be a breakup phase where you'll be very upset but I still won't really be allowed to tell you the whole thing's a terrible idea, until you're finally done and then the cycle will just repeat, and it's fine and I'll be supportive but don't you get tired?" (People reading this blog excepted, and I mean that genuinely, the couple of people I've met online in healthy relationships make me wonder if I just happen to have only ever met in person people who have terrible relationships.) Anyway, the commercial indie Radio X show is going to do another romance storyline, even though honestly, it's been in a pretty good place and I'm not sure they needed to throw in that kind of subplot.

(Disclaimer: Obviously alcohol is bad for you and quitting it is good and people should be happy and digital DJs should pursue both happiness and relationships at the rate that makes sense for their own lives and not according to what makes good radio. Although pursuing relationships and frequently discussing their ups and downs on air are two different things, and the latter maybe could be done according to a bit more of a "good radio" schedule, because I'm currently three episodes into the new relationship and there have already been multiple stories based on it that are slightly exhausting to listen to, we've got several years of this ahead. I don't genuinely wish unhappiness on people, I hope all my favourite tortured single comedians are secretly very happy and just doing a character, I would love it if it turned out Daniel Kitson's been happily married since 2007 and Michael Legge's been sober his whole life and it's all an elaborate ruse. I just don't need to hear the relationship updates in their work all the time.)

Anyway, this post wasn't meant to be about that at all. This post was about a radio episode where they started by both apologizing because they were hungover and not at their best, and then absolutely killed it for an hour and a half. So many parts that made me laugh too hard to be at work. I've said before that John Robins is quite quick normally and "Lee Mack quick" on a really good day, and this was the latter. Solid riffs. Classic arguments. A made-up game with regional accents and yelling at each other. What more could we want?

I said recently that the dynamic from the beginning of their radio show, John's the better comedian but Elis is more successful, is a gap that I think closes because John wins a massive award and gets some more work and Elis' major TV sitcoms end and I'm not sure how much else he gets. At this point, however, I'm less sure of that. John's had his award for some time and done a big tour off it but the gap does still seem to be there, as every single thing John Robins does gets plugged repeatedly on the radio show, while Elis clearly has enough on his plate so that every once in a while he'll just off-handedly mention some shit he's doing on Welsh TV that's common enough so he doesn't need to make a big deal of it every time. He's got a football podcast with some actual players that seems like a pretty big thing, though it's hard to tell how big because John yells at him for promoting the competition if he talks about it. Though John is about to host a (probably terrible, I'm guessing, though I've not seen it yet) TV panel show, which is definitely big. And I do think wherever they were in relation to each other in 2023, the Taskmaster bump is a big enough thing so that John's got to be pulling ahead now.

Anyway, that episode 220 has a bit that really calls attention to that, because they announce that they've both intentionally kept secret some recent part of their life to tell each other live on air, and John goes first and his story is that he got a speeding ticket and then did a remedial driving class, and Elis' story is that his football podcast has been nominated for an international award in New York. Which was a really funny contrast. And John took way too long to congratulate him, which is such a relatable flaw. In my thirties, I have to constantly remind myself that it isn't like when we were younger and our friends do successful things and we just immediately make fun of them for it, now we're older and their successes are genuinely important life things and we have to remember to sincerely say congratulations and not be a dick about it. A thing that I've had tested several times in the last few months specifically as my roommate keeps getting chosen for Team Canada coaching positions and I have been genuinely working hard to remember to say "Wow well done on the hard work" before I start saying "Oh cool you get to go work with that council of terrible people we've hated for 15 years" and then make jokes about how terrible the people are. Congratulations first, then jokes. And if they hadn't made such a thing about keeping it a secret until they were on air, I'd have assumed that John did the congratulations privately and is now just doing jokes on air, as is appropriate for a comedy show. But because it was his first time hearing it, the longer he went without saying "well done" the worse it sounded, and he went way too long. He said the words "This is like finding out your husband’s affair’s been nominated for best relationship" before he said "Well done." Then Producer Vin pointedly said "Well done Elis" like a parent saying "Thank you" to get a kid to realize they should also say that, and then he muttered "Well done" as well. It was a genuine moment of being a bad friend and it made me laugh so hard that I had to cover my mouth so my co-workers in the break room (because I work with people who can somehow get through a whole morning and still be up for socializing rather than barricading themselves in an empty room during the break) wouldn't hear me. It was so funny. Bitter snippy John Robins is really funny. Elis James deserves a Chortle Award for patience, but bitter snippy John Robins is really funny.

Oh, there were also several links worth of discussion about whether Jon Richardson is a dick and how annoying it is to have your ex-flatmates on panel shows where they get asked to tell embarassing stories about you, which was also very funny. Very good episode. They should broadcast hungover more often. Obviously not really, it's a very good thing that an alcoholic has quit drinking. I should say, I hope there are more episodes in the past where they're broadcasting hungover but also fairly giddy and in a basically bad but excitable mood. It's very funny.

[bipolarediaz]

Love that most recent BP Diaz gifset you made! I think you’re on to something, and that episode 5x11 is a perfect illustration. There’s the excited high at the beginning with him starting the new job followed my immediate declines toward lows as the month goes on, temporary upswings with jumping on the bomb call and deciding to go back to the 118, and then a crash at the end with the fight with Bobby. To me it’s lousy with signs/symptoms!

YES THANK YOU SO MUCH, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK!!!

I've always felt that 5x11/5x13 in particular feels so much like an episode with mixed features that it's ridiculous.

“Mania with mixed features usually involves irritability, high energy, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation.

Depression during episodes with mixed features involves the same symptoms as in  "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.”

“The high energy of mania with the despair of depression are not mutually exclusive symptoms, and their co-occurrence may be much more common than people realize.

For example, a person in an episode with mixed features could be crying uncontrollably while announcing they have never felt better in their life. Or they could be exuberantly happy, only to suddenly collapse in misery. A short while later they might suddenly return to an ecstatic state.

Mood episodes with mixed features can last from days to weeks or sometimes months if untreated. They may recur.”

seriously, I dare anyone to read that description and try to tell me it doesn't apply to eddie in 5x11 and 5x13 specifically. it could basically be a checklist. just speaking from experience, it looks so insanely familiar. he was both depressed and manic at the same time, and it's the reason that that's the period where his breakdown finally hits him full force in a way that it hasn't when he's broken down in the past.

[sunfishfusions]

Interestingly enough, I brought this up to my sleep therapist when I was finally diagnosed with insomnia.

She said that while it is true, for insomniacs it actually causes more difficulty sleeping in your own bed. Her advice was to only ever do bed things in bed (sleeping, sex, resting when sick), and to get up if you can't sleep after 20 minutes and do something else. Her reasoning is that if you stay in bed while awake, you're training your brain to see it as a place where you are awake and doing awake things.

I can say that, for me at least, it rings true. Once I set up a place to go sit in another room away from my bed when I couldn't sleep (with activities like colouring, journaling, and drawing and some snacks because I tend to wake up hungry with a sore stomach) and restricted my time in bed for a while, I began to have actual REM and restful sleep. Huge improvement. I still have bouts of insomnia now and then, especially when my bipolar manic episodes hit, but it's so much less debilitating.

I was able to stop taking the sleeping pills* I was using thanks to this advice. I got my life back because of this advice. So you know, if you have insomnia, or think you have insomnia, try restricting your time in bed to 7hrs a night (strict) for a little while and getting up if you can't sleep after 20 minutes. I don't know if it's guaranteed to help, but if you're anything like I was, you'd be desperate to try anything that might work.

(I paid a lot of money to learn this, but I believe this shit should be free so if you have any questions reach out, I'd be happy to share the worksheets.)

*There is nothing wrong with taking medications when you need them, these particular ones just weren't working for me and actually causing me to have a more restless sleep.

You know, that Mythbusters post legitimately changed my life. Before seeing it, I had exponentially more guilt and stress about not being able to sleep, which of course, further exacerbated my inability to sleep.

Now, every time I wake up about three am, knowing I have to get up at 6.45, instead of stressing and panicking about how my day is going to be sleep deprived and miserable, I just tell myself 'Time to activate Mythbusters Protocol' and lie there with my eyes closed safe in the knowledge that I am measurably reducing later feelings of exhaustion.

And when this happens, about 70% of the time the reduction of guilt and stress means I actually do fall back asleep, so all in all instead of getting only three or four hours sleep, I get five to six and a half.

Which y'know, major improvement in health and energy.

[maester-of-spreadsheets]

Okay, despite being gleeful all week, I do have some thoughts/musings on IWTV and fandom commentary on ableist tropes. Probably will get a little spicy idk

So pretty much since the episode dropped on streaming platforms, I’ve seen people hoping Daniel still has Parkinson’s despite being turned and that it will be ableist if most or all of the symptoms are ameliorated (the terminal illness aspect is already gone.)

And well….. I really fundamentally and completely disagree with this.

I get why people are wary about miracle cure storylines. Truly I am. I love FMA but I think it’s obnoxious that everyone gets their disabilities wiped away at the end of the plot.

But … but but but but. I have an invisible illness myself. Started up late 2017, is mostly just annoying, but it interrupts my sleep every single night without fail. The cumulative lack of sleep leads to constant fatigue and the subsequent brain fog. It’s had a cascading considerable ripple effect across my whole life. Through a lot of trial and effort I’ve come to build a life I’m increasingly happy with. I’ve come to be very proud of how much I can do despite it all. I have greater internal strength than I realized.

And if someone offered me a miracle tomorrow even with a terrible trade off I’d take it. I’d take it even if it was only 3 full nights of sleep a week instead of 7. I’d take it in a heartbeat.

Now, Daniel……… clearly didn’t get to make that informed decision lol. Knowing what Armand is like. But he is super hype at the end of the show and I get it. I get it.

The worst symptom (which, again, is DEATH) is gone. Even if he has some of the other symptoms the worst one is gone gone GONE. Of course he’s ecstatic. Throughout the series he’s loudly and repeatedly said he wanted a cure. Hell, he explicitly says as much to Armand. His manic joy at the end is just so…….

Also it’s not actually a cure. He’s largely traded Parkinson’s for a host of other terrible things I.e. now the sun will kill him, he’s eventually going to see his daughters die (which he’s worried about before). He can’t taste nachos anymore for Christ’s sake.

If the quality of the writing remains up to par than this isn’t going to be the story of someone who had a redo button pushed on their disability. The trade off is enormous and we’re bound to see the negative side of vampirism with him.

In addition, this isn’t a like … Glee-tier style portrayal of a disability. Daniel isn’t sequestered from the main plot except for a few special episodes about how sad and inspirational he is. He has a lot of other things going for him (I wrote a whole post about this.) He’s also very vocal about how much it all sucks and he wants to feel better. You also see a lot of the mundane stuff you have to do with doctors and meds etc. The only thing we didn’t get was a depiction of the fairly common experience of him crying and screaming in a car because nothing exists that will make him feel better and confronting that yet again after being on the 15 minute conveyor belt in and out of the doctor’s office.

Not that I’ve been there or anything.

(I also thought I was alone in this until I started reading personal essays about invisible illness and kept coming across scenes like it.)

There’s a lot of reasons to be wary of disability rep in fiction. Right there with you. Totally get wanting to see stories of disabled joy.

But … I’m not there yet. I might never be. For me, the disability rep that currently resonates with me most is a miracle cure narrative. It’s the biblical story of the woman who can’t stop bleeding. Who touches Jesus’s robes to try and get a cure. And she does. But the cure is secondary to me. It’s what comes before; the desperation, the isolation, the mention that she spent all her money on doctors that didn’t help. It’s bleak, but it’s also an emotion I recognize in myself. That parable was clearly written with very real emotion involved and I can feel people in similar straits over the millennia reaching out to me through it. This too is yuri a disability narrative.

And yes it gives me comfort. Invisible illnesses can be very isolating, and many people have dark nights of the soul where you wonder if it’s going to be worth it carrying on like this, what you’d trade to get your old life back (if I do get it back…. I won’t actually because these years have changed me.) You learn a lot about the depths of your desperation and the heights of your strength. And yeah, that’s what I’ve felt through Daniel’s narrative.

He’s a weird fucking dude with a different illness than me but (not to use this word again) a specificity to his depiction that actually makes him feel way more relatable to me than inspiration porn or corporatized Pride ™️. And I can’t stress how much I apparently needed that. The care in his character has me curious to see what comes next. There’s a trust there that they’ll continue mining this side of his character even if the symptoms have changed. I just really highly doubt we will get something as blithe about it as FMA. Future Daniel will probably have moments as harrowing as All’s Well by Mona Awad (which I haven’t finished yet despite plodding away through it for years because it’s so accurate about chronic pain it makes me cry. But it explores miracle cures as an unsettling fever dream. The excitable anger that comes along when you have Good Days and can really contemplate how much goddamn bullshit you’ve been through.)

And yeah I …. Don’t know how to end this. Maybe I’ll just quote Pain Woman Takes Your Keys:

This raises the question of which woman is a better writer—me in pain or me without. The pain-woman speaks in a pared-down voice; she is a dreamy laser. You can’t tell her a single thing. She has room for only one emergency. She has to creep slowly and hold onto the backs of chairs as she moves, but she has a strange superpower. She cares more about the vulnerable soft flesh of everyone than my normal busy pre-pain self. She aches in slow motion for everyone’s crumbling life. She sees dead bodies wrapped in skin, sees the present moment as death in reverse. She is in a kind of ecstasy—not the way we understand the word as joy, but the older definition in Webster’s Dictionary: “an emotional or religious frenzy or trancelike state, originally one involving a mystic sense of self-transcendence.”

And then there was a day, a quiet landmark on the couch: the first day that I realized I wasn’t depressed because I was in pain. I realized my mood could separate from the bad news broadcasted by my nerves. I was okay in here, in terrible pain, but alive and watching it. Pain explodes, over and over. It’s also super tiring. And then I need food and sleep.

Later tonight I’ll get depressed because I have lesson plans to do, and I want to be more than this ecstatic, shattered, staring beast looking at the swirls. But for now, I see swirls, and I feel the weather in my bones. And I am two bodies, and one is the history of me. And the other is a lava-lamp Ghost Girl with a new voice I have to listen to—no, more than listen to. She wants the keyboard, and she doesn’t care about the life I had before she was born.

[diary-of-a-teenage-cultleader]

Diary Entry #5

Today's Date is Sunday Oct. 15th, 2023. Current time: 12:42 a.m.

Dear Diary, and to anyone who reads this,

So, I'm back, maybe for good, maybe not.

Let's start our story with what's happened in the last 2 years...

J and I fell in love, and we've met twice in person now, even visited his country. He asked me to be his on December 1st, 2021. Our 2 year anniversary is coming up, though he did reject me in the beginning between fear of commitment and my mental instability, which in retrospect, I understand. Which I will explain now.

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, the type of Bipolar where your depressive episodes last longer than your manic episodes. My emotions fluctuate heavily and I tend to switch up daily, though I've been stuck in a depressive episode since I've returned from Europe.

Doll, Leaf, GT and I have started work as sex workers, though GT is taking a step back due to a traumatic event that I'd rather not explain, even if no one reads this.

I've made at least $150 in the last year from sex work alone, and even gained a sub, he's friendly enough but I'd rather not talk about that right now.

I've moved in with my biological father, I basically have the apartment to myself since he's never here and frequently leaves me on my lonesome. I have to learn new hobbies and activities to keep myself from losing my mind.

I've learned to play ukulele, which I'm very proud of, and I've learned to paint, and wood carve. I've discovered a passion for language I never knew I had. I've grown an interest in DnD and hope to create a group soon.

I believe I'm non-binary, I've been having these feelings for the last year and a half now, dressing and flipping between gender presentation really makes me happy, but I still don't relate with the girl identity enough to be genderfluid, though I may be overthinking it.

But enough about me, well, at least talking about random things. I'll tell you about today, if you're still listening:

Today, I chatted with J for a short time today after I woke up late, he seemed reasonably stressed since his mom tends to randomly dump her feelings in random breakdowns recently, making my boyfriend feel as though he needs to constantly do better and he has to help her, I can't tell him that he might be traumatized from always being the emotional step stool for his mom.

So, I've been holding in my emotions about everything I've been feeling lately, as to not burden him, both good and bad. I don't want to be overbearing with my love, and I don't want him to worry about my mental breakdowns over missing him so much. He was upset that I didn't suggest something I should do for him when I left, I think he was stressed about wasting time because I was busy getting ready to go carve pumpkins with my dad's girlfriend's family. I felt terrible since he cancelled his family plans for me, but I even offered to stay and he said no, I just don't know how to help him sometimes, I accidentally got really blunt with him about needing to go to therapy, I just feel like I'm supposed to be his emotional support but he doesn't tell me upfront what he needs sometimes. I get it, it's annoying if you have to do it all the time, but I'm trying my best, and still learning. I'm just scared he's gonna realize that I'm not the best possible partner and leave. Everyone who was important to me left without a word of why. I know I can be problematic sometimes but I swear with every fiber of my being that I am working to make a better man of myself. Especially to him. I even wrote a little poem explaining my feelings over my life at the moment.

I know it may be a bit harsh to read but it's the truth of how my life has been so far, I recognize to others, I will be a burden. I hope to fix this, but if not, I'm not even sure what I would do with myself.

My boyfriend said he wanted to make me feel bad, to help him, I'm not sure if it's toxic or not. I feel like there's some toxic traits from both ends that need to be worked on. I need to stop changing myself for him, I've before put my whole schedule around him, defied my parents for him, nearly abandoned my friends because he didn't like them. I wanted to spend so much time with him. He makes me feel bad sometimes, that I keep him from having friends because I can be a bit jealous, but I told him that I'm not worried about it anymore, I've grown over it. I'm scared I traumatized him. I'm scared that I manipulate him. I don't want to do those things. I never want to hurt him... I'm just so stressed with the idea that I'm a terrible partner. I apologize, this was meant to be a diary entry, not a vent. But back to the entry, I went pumpkin carving and talked with my dad about stuff and it went about as well as talking to my dad usually does, he over shares, but at least I made a cute pumpkin and got s'mores. Which was nice. I'll include pics here:

So I suppose the day didn't end too bad, it just hurt that my bf left me on delivered. He may have fallen asleep. I'll talk to him in the morning but hopefully things can be talked about. Thank you for listening to my rant, whoever could get through this whole thing.

Thanks, Diary

STRD:

RIIST:

[returntosaturn271995]

Tuesday, May 16th: Domesticating the Shrew

So I didn’t go to the DMV this morning. I went to bed at 10:30 last night just so I could wake up naturally at 6 am...and still roll over because holy fuck I have no control. When I’m awake I’m happy to be awake by my god a body at rest loves to stay at fucking rest. Was I bear in a past life? 

A manic depressive bear? 

Anyways, once I journeyed out of the cave my day became more impressive. I threw on a navy sports bra, light blue leggings, and my old running shoes because I am sick of breaking in the new cool ones. That is until I saw a sliver of my little socked toe wiggling back at me. 

Okay. Might be time to throw them away and commit to the new shitty ones. Anyways, I took my (too) old shoes on a new path by heading to the bay today instead of my usual beach trek. I felt moody and girlie so was listening to Lorde’s “Solar Power” and Taylor Swift’s “Folklore” albums. My sights today included: boats, a telephone pole graffitied “Fuck Capitalism”, met a sheepdog named Alvin whose owner’s name I have since forgotten, and an old fashioned turquoise car with a surfboard on top- straight out of ‘60′s San Diego. 

Upon returning home, I put the cow leather chair that I’ve had forever in to the garage and texted (low key pleading) with Hannah to move Lumos’s destroyed cat tower AKA the first thing anyone sees when they walk in our home. She thinks I should buy something to replace it, but if she thinks I’m spending a cent on more furniture for that cat to piss on she’s smoking actual crack. 

I channeled my cat-shaped rage in to making a very ambitious smoothie and applying to jobs (getting some responses thank god) for about an hour. Texted Kendall and Kelly about Kelly’s wheel exploding on the freeway, Maddy about her finally opening a bottle of wine we ordered in Seattle 2 years ago, and Eric about how lackluster relationships aren’t worth it. 

My goal for cleaning today was just to organize my night stand, but looking at the dust behind it spiraled in to me vacuuming, power-disinfecting and reorganizing the entire corner of the room including the bookshelf. Then I spent 90 minuets cooking homemade Kung Pow Chicken (New Skill: used cornstarch). Washed all the dishes and swapped out the recycling. Today’s podcast was three episodes of Radio Rental, and then the new Ted Lasso. 

Finally at 8, I spent a solid 45 minutes doing yoga, (shoulder and arm flexibility, head to knee pose improving, happy baby pose is embarrassing). Today’s meditation was on being real. Yeah, okay. How’s this for real: “I’m not sure I’m getting any better at this.” 

Whew. Definitely a self-improvement day...minus the DMV. 

Along with the 90′s book, I’m also reading Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari. Last night the chapter I was on discussed how the key reason Sapiens came to dominate earth and kill off other species of humans was due to our ability to agree on concepts that didn’t exist (gods, trade, LLCs). Shared meanings, myths, stories. It’s what makes us powerful, persuasive, and innovative.

In a way, I had to imagine I’d improve before I ever did. Will these moments, these tiny accomplishments, in to existence, in to behavior, in to part of the narrative I’m creating for myself. 

I’m someone who cooks, reads, journals, writes comedy, does yoga, meditates, cleans, works on themself in therapy, gets outside and runs, has good relationships with friends and family, politically aware and open minded, loves music, dresses well, and keeps their room beautiful.

Also my hair, tits and ass are pretty fucking phenomenal. Oh, and I wear sunscreen! Fuck me that’s not nothing. 

I’ll get my license renewed sooner or later. Today I feel like pretty identifiable.