#the daily meds I take now are nice like they’re for physical stuff and they have no side effects and JUST help T_T

[sanchoyo]

literally cannot tell if I’m having a manic episode or actually genuinely just hyper+happy bc it’s finally getting warm and pretty outside and perhaps that’s Doing Away With my bad 3 month long seasonal depression for the time being 🤔 I mean it’s ….nice? To have so much sudden energy the past like, week or so, but also vaguely accompanied with feelings of Dread bc 1. Why 2. How long will it last 3. Can I stop any Impulses and avoid doing anything Regrettable while I am Like This. Bc the track record historically has not been GREAT

[emospritelet]

Any advice to get out of a bout of depression

I want to preface this by saying if you’re getting therapy or taking meds, keep doing that. I also want to say that everyone’s different, so this isn’t advice as such; I can only tell you what has worked for me in the past, and hopefully you’ll find something you can use here

In the short term:

Drink some water. Staying hydrated really helps. 

Clean your teeth. It’s really easy to stop taking care of yourself, and to pull yourself back on track sometimes you have to start small

Take a shower if you can. If you really don’t have the spoons, give yourself a rub down with a wet cloth so you feel less icky. For the future it would be useful to get some of those big wet wipes that you can clean your whole body with. They’re really refreshing if you don’t have the energy to get in the shower.

Put something on that isn’t PJs - you don’t have to be dressed to kill, but at least put on something you could leave the house in.

If you haven’t eaten anything in the last 6 hours, go eat something.

Stretch. I don’t mean wrap your legs around your head or anything (unless you want to) but just stretch out your limbs and give them a shake and remind yourself you’re still here. If you can do it to while listening to a song you love, even better

If you can, get out of the house and get some air. Even if you can get outside onto a balcony or just open a window and feel the breeze on your face it’s something. If you have a garden or a green space near you, go spend some time in that. 

Exercise is your friend (if you’re physically able to do it). It may be the last thing you feel like doing but endorphins will help. Before my illness I used to run and it did me a world of good. For the past couple of years I’ve usually had to stick to walking. I used to tell myself I only had to walk for 10 minutes, but it would usually turn into 30, and it seriously made me feel so much better. I can’t do this at the moment because I’m post-surgery, and so I’m having to limit myself to 10 minutes of very slow walking, but it’s all good.

Watch something that makes you feel good. For me it’s Pride and Prejudice or Skin Deep or Good Omens. Doing it with a pet is even better

Do something nice for yourself and tell yourself you deserve it - use those nice bath additives, spend time reading, eat something delicious, whatever

In the longer term:

Try to get into a routine. Get up at a set time and go to bed at a set time. It sounds like a small thing and it’s easier said than done but I found this so helpful (My routine has gone out of the window since my surgery and I feel a dire need to get it back). If it helps, there are apps that you can set reminders in to do stuff like drink water, take meds, eat breakfast, go outside. I found this really useful because without it I would probably have wallowed in bed and felt worse. I do better with structure.

Routine exercise is also really helpful.

Put together a playlist of uplifting songs, stuff that always makes you feel good. You can play these to encourage you to move or while making yourself something to eat.

Give yourself permission to do something that isn’t work or study. Something creative is good. I started growing flowers in pots last year and it did me a ton of good because a) it made me go outside, b) it made me stick to a routine and c) it gave me something pretty to look at when they all bloomed

Have a go at mindfulness or meditation. I use the Down Dog app for yoga and meditation. You can just do 10 minutes if you want and make it part of your routine. Again I can’t do yoga at the moment and I’m really REALLY missing the peace of mind it gave me. I used to feel that I couldn’t meditate because my mind was always thinking about 10 different things at once, but I’ve found it much easier with practice. I now look forward to this daily dose of calm

Speak to your doctor if you haven’t already done so. If you’re not already getting therapy, this might be something that would help

I hope some of this is helpful. If anyone wants to add in with tips that have worked for them, please do!

Good luck, Nonny! 

[cadykeus-clay]

please tell me more about your dance major!

ohhhh ok!!!! ive been doin hw most of the day so i missed this notif but i’m happy to answer now!!! so i’m currently doing two majors, one of which is in dance. in all honesty, i have it a lot easier than many college dancers for several reasons:

for one, I’m getting a BA rather than a BFA, which means the program is far less rigorous wrt hours. Most BFA programs I looked at when applying to college require daily class, whereas I have technique only 3 days a week, and they also have a much stricter performance requirement. 

Most dancers would be in either multiple pieces per show, or multiple shows, depending on the departments rehearsal schedule. We are not *required* to perform at all (though everyone does lol) and we are only in one piece per semester (usually) as undergraduates. 

So my hours are a lot less than a lot of programs, even more so due to covid slashing our rehearsal space (our actual studio doesn’t have central AC and so isn’t approved for use AT ALL, and we’re in our second semester of taking class out of an orchestral performance hall instead)

for another, I’m doing a performing arts major at a tech school. I won’t say which one cause internet privacy, but we’re mostly known for our med school and engineering programs. so, the department knows I’m not at this school to dance, i’m there to dance and do something else (in my case math on an eventual education cert track). so our classes and stuff are structured around all the dance majors having another major as well. 

just as me, i’ve been dancing for ..... 16? 17? years now. from when I started through the end of high school, I trained heavily in ballet, modern dance (specifically graham and humphrey techniques) and jazz, with little bits of dabbling in more other styles than I can name between guest artists and short intensives and the like. the college I’m at offers only ballet and modern classes, which are supposedly in graham style (that’s why I came here) but imo they’re a fucking joke if they actually call themselves graham technique classes. they’re graham-based at best. 

however, our main focus is on producing choreographers and teachers rather than performers. a handful of our undergrads go on to join major companies as performers, but (esp because of the tech school thing) most of us go on to do teaching or choregraphing gigs outside of our day job, and our grad program gets you a MFA in contemporary choreography.

which i actually think is pretty cool conceptually! now i kinda fucking hate the way our dept head teaches choreo and have been avoiding it like the devil but thats a me problem. because of that, though, we also take a couple classes on like ... dance pedagogy, and stage production, and we have to work several performances worth of stage crew which i think is really neat behind the scenes experience that not a lot of colleges will offer!

we also do a lot of dance science stuff - so like studying nutrition, physiology, medicine, and even psychology with the specific intent of working w/ dancers. a lot like sports medicine, but for dancers rather than athletes. every semester (except for covid lmao) we do this little fitness test thing that gauges our natural abilities and makes it easier for us/our teachers to pinpoint our strengths and weaknesses and it’s actually overall really cool.

just as a personal example, and i have no idea if you’re a dancer and will know what this means anon, but for those who are: my turnout on the left has always been way more shit than it is on the right. absolutely no idea why. and i’ve been hounded about it for Decades. I came to this school and took my first little physical exam and was told “well no wonder. your right hip has 20 more degrees of movement in it than your left”. that’s nothing to do with my posture, or my muscle strength. my left femur head is literally just larger and gets in the way quicker and unless i get surgery to shave it down there’s no fixing it, so instead i could focus my time on trying to retrain equal stability in both sides rather than trying to force left turnout that literally didn’t exist. 

overall there’s a lot of really nice things about this program, and it’s by no means a setup for me to go into a professional performance career, but that’s not what i wanted anyways. i like my school and i like this program and i like .... enough of the people in it (dept chair and assistant chair do NOT interact i’m talking to my cool queer professor with blue hair who just started publicly using they/them pronouns) to stick around and keep my inherent need to dance satisfied!!! 

[euphoriacrossing]

The closer we get the more my anxiety plays up...

What if I can't keep up with my journal that I worked so hard on?

What if I mess up something I can't change on my island? (I don't WANT to have to reset, but if it's the first day i will... i don't want to have to reset two or three days in because i change my mind about something...)

And the bigger ones.... I've been so tired I can barely stay awake two or three hours at a time. I can't do a whole lot of recreational things because I'm asleep. Right now I'm attributing it to depression, but I am going to ask my oncologist if maybe the meds could cause it (the meds I DID stop, but thay messed with my hormones anyway) or if the slight bit of anemia I have could cause it maybe? What if I am not awake enough to fully enjoy the game?

I go to the oral surgeon I think for a consultation to get some teeth pulled, what if he wants to do it anytime soon after the game is out? Will it mess with my enjoybility to have that kind of procedure? (Last time I had teeth out... my wisdom teeth I did very poorly, I got two dry sockets and was in some of the worst pain... I was LUCKY to be able to sleep as much as I did, because the pain was awful. And I followed instructions, so I don't know if I am more prone to those kinds of things or if it was the fact he didn't tell me to stop my birth control or what... but it was bad. And now I have a much higher tolerance to pain meds and will have to use the ones I'm ON so they'll be less effective probably. I'll die if I get a dry socket. Pain tolerance, mine is high until you get to my mouth and then I'm an absolute crybaby.) So say he wants to do it the Monday after... will I be out of commission to play for two weeks or more while I recover? I know this sounds more important, but to me the game is important, too. I want to be able to put in at least some work daily for quite a while so I can create a beautiful island at the same time others who start on the 20th are. So it may not seem like a huge deal, but it is to me okay? Enough of a huge deal for my anxiety to use it against me.

Those are just examples though. I have an anxiety disorder which in past years has become more generalized and entwined with my bipolar symptoms. So I am in no short supply of things related to the 20th to be anxious about.

I wish I could just be happy. And I mean, I am. We have less than a week and I'll be playing a game that is 7 years in the making for those of us that play Animal Crossing. I've been waiting with baited breath probably more than a year, to the point where when Pokemon Sw/Shld came out it was just a distraction instead of the main event, at that point I was already craving New Horizons desperately. And here we are nearly at the end of our waiting, I am happy, don't get me wrong.

But my mind never just let's me be happy.

What if I am too late to make friends in the first few days like I've planned? Everyone else seems to already have their friendships, but I knew I couldn't keep up with a friendship that long. So here is the week to make friends, and I don't feel I know how, or I feel like most people already have their friends. I have maybe two people besides my sister to play with. And I'm excited for that. But I'd love to be included in a larger group of friends or something, you know, that sort of thing is nice. If I only have a few close friends though, that'd be nice too. And i think the first few days it seems people might just be playing on their own, i don't always NEED someone to play with, I'll probably prefer to play alone, or maybe with my sister mostly, or just my close friend when I play. But it's just i guess i expected to use this opportunity to make more friends and now i feel i am wasting it. I don't often have such an "easy way" to make friends because I am disinterested in most things and just don't have a lot to talk about. This common interest is an amazing thing to talk about and should make things easier, but it doesn't as much as I hoped I guess.

What if I don't finish my journal? I worked so hard on it, but i need my dad's help with the label maker and need to finalize the decisions about what I'm going to record in it before I do make the labels. It can still be changed later because I am using labels on plastic tabs and a discbound journal but what if I don't have time once i'm playing?

Ugh. Just all the "what ifs". And I know some people will think "why'd she bother making this post?" Well random person, it does help to get them out in the open. Since most everything I have been thinking has been AC related lately, this has turned into a bit of a personal blog. Sorry for that. I do plan to make it a New Horizons blog and post as much original content as I can once ACNH is out.

Oh another one. What if posting original content is too hard?

Like, I want this blog to have original content and all that, but if you have to remove your memory card and get on a computer to do it, that's a lot of trouble and extra energy I don't have these days. And you had to do that for New Leaf and everyone did including myself, but I had more energy and it seemed easier. And it seems like it was less effort those days because people DID THINGS on the computer including myself. Now I use my phone and ipad as computers, you can do almost all the same things on them, and my laptop sits idle which might be the reason it doesn't run as well these days. Or it may just be that it's old as crap for a laptop. I mean, I guess it's moderately old for what it is, it's a very nice laptop, but I think it's the same one I had for New Leaf so it's been with me a while. Anyway, it SEEMED like less trouble because you were on the computer doing stuff anyway, so just pop your memory card in there and go while you're checking your stuff. It's not that easy on a phone, BUT I am hoping you can post photos and screenshots to SOMETHING through the Nooklink app. We don't know everything about the app yet as it isnt out yet, and I doubt you can post straight to tumblr (though that'd make things easy, huh?) because this is not the most used platform anymore, but if I can post them to anywhere (like facebook or twitter... I'd probably post them privately to facebook because I am less versed in twitter stuff, but then I did recently become an AC twitter on my personal twitter because I never used my personal twitter anyway, so... yeah...) I can grab them on my phone once they are uploaded and reupload them here. But I also plan to make my "diary like" text posts here. I am not recording a diary in my journal having to do with NH, I only want like... data and information I can use, etc. But that doesn't mean I won't want to write diary like entries, and I am less likely to lose my blog that a physical journal anyway it feels. (I say less likely... I lost my New Leaf blog for a few years there, but with effort I did recently find it.) So it could be very easy to post original content here, or if the app doesn't do things it really totally should, then it might be a bit more effort and I don't know if I have that to give right now, so I'm nervous about that. Everything I post here about my game experience is going to be more for me to look back on than anything, so I WANT to be able to post about that stuff here. But I guess we'll have to wait to see, along with waiting for the game.

And everyone knows how well waiting and anxiety get along. They are two peas in a pod, they play off each other like it's no one's business.

But I hope everything in the end will just be okay. I am "lucky" in a way. Since I'm chronically ill, disabled, and have cancer, I don't have work or school to worry about and while being sick is a big bummer, that does take a lot of stress off of me. I don't know how I would handle a job or school even just mentally these days, I don't see how it could go well and I guess that is because I am so sick, even just mentally... but I know a lot of disabled people DO still do those things anyway, sometimes because they HAVE to, so I am glad I am in a position at my age where I am still largely take care of. My disability money doesn't cover a fraction of my necessities, so I feel blessed everyday for my parents, even though my mom and I fight like cats and dogs. Annnndddd now I am getting to be anxious about what happens to me when my parents are gone and that's a WHOLE different type of anxiety... yikes... I need to stop letting my anxiety run rampant now I guess, it's gone too far.

But I am very "lucky" to be in a position where once the game comes out it can be my main focus for a while. Partially because i don't have the energy to focus on many different things, so it's good Animal Crossing can take up that main spot in my life for now.

Come on now, back to AC anxieties. Ya stupid general anxiety...

And I guess I am anxious about the typical things people are anxious about... what fruit will I get, will I like my first Islanders, etc. but to me those things arent as major. All the fruits are so pretty I could really get on with any of them I think, and hopefully my first villagers will be great, but I'll make myself a net if they're not, and I do have amiibo cards for moving in some of my favorite villagers later on, so I can deal with a dud or two.

I'm a little anxious about map layouts too, just picking the right one seems a little difficult to me since there are some things you cannot change. But I think I can make a good choice, I'm more worried if I'll be able to draw it in for my journal or not. I should draw the general layout for the map, but I don't even know if I can do that right.

Oh I also have a package to finish working on and get in the mail before Friday, BUT I finished the hardest parts (writing a bunch of postcards, basically a latter's worth of text but on postcards) last night, so I just have to do finishing touches and get it out. I maybe want to type another letter to send out, too, but if I don't get it done I'll try not to beat myself up. I got really burnt out on mail stuff lately and as much as I still get, which is about one or two things in the mail daily, I can't reply to all the things I should. I'm stressed about it, but I won't let that ruin my New Horizons time. Especially since mail was supposed to be a fun hobby for me and just... stopped. But that's a whole different thing, that has less to do with New Horizons than the other stuff.

Now I genuinely do feel less stressed since I rambled on for a while. Thanks for reading this, if you read any of it. I don't expect anyone to read all this anxiety inducing, depressing junk.

But anyway, now I am going to try and think about the Nooklink app and what kind of features I think it should have. Like I said, it really should have a way to post screenshots/pictures to social media, and I bet it's got something like that since we have the camera in game. I bet we maybe even can post pictures to social media from the switch. I mean, well, I know we can technically, but I mean I bet we can without having to leave the game. Because you can do that in New Leaf now. Gosh would that have been handy YEARS ago. I guess it came with the "welcome amiibo" update?

But at least we know we can scan in QR codes. I dunno if you've noticed but I have been collecting some and tagging them (you can find them under the "QR" tag on my blog, or by type of QR code, likes dresses I just tagged "dress") so I have them once we are able to use them in game. I am going to check my @playtimewithmadi blog to see if I have QR codes saved that I used in New Leaf, too, so I can reblog any good ones here. All of that gives me something to do, I suppose.

I could also work on my journal, or my mail. Both need to get done before Friday and need work.

But honestly, I am probably gonna play Happy Home Designer right now. I'll design at least one house, and then maybe I'll work on my mail and journal stuff. We'll see.

Anyway, thanks again for sticking with me, I love everyone who stays subbed to this blog even though the BS posts like this. Sorry for rambling on, but I needed this, so thank you for letting me have it.

Off to more distraction then...

[intheheartofthematter]

TFBM "Lioness" (Source: Flickr/ exodus-travels)

Photo by Gramps, Nov ‘68, 4th birthday, Knott’s Berry Farm... Knott’s first every visit for little cars, farm animals, horse rides.

TFBM 2016 “Happy Birthday, Dad! I love and miss you! (I sang Happy Birthday, too) First birthday since...” ❤️

TFBM 2013 (Three months after my grandpa died, his dad) “Today is my Dad's birthday. I called him and he's really sick again, and sounds so depressed. He says he's getting old and he's so tired of being in pain and stuck in a wheelchair and in a nursing home. He doesn't want me to visit him today, but said maybe tomorrow. As usual, he let me go quickly, said he needed his pain shot and then said, I love you, through tears, almost sobs and hung up. It's so hard and I don't know what else I can do for him. I just needed to say something, think out loud.”

TFBM 2014 (Bill Eppridge—LIFE Picture Collection) “In late 1968, not long after famously capturing Robert Kennedy's assassination, Bill Eppridge spent two healing months among wild horses in the fabled landscape of the American West.”

This share is not about the main lyrics...

Sent to me shortly before he died, ‘So you won’t forget me’ I never could. I will remember you throughout eternity! ❤️

A couple of my Grandpa’s late years ‘wild horses’ paintings  *card size prints in an album

Tonight! Tuesday Tuck In

One tradition passed down from my grandparents & dad💕 My baby at Knott’s riding horses there like me when little. And, just like me, didn’t want to get off when time was up.

Currently watching...

I’m hoping to find photos showing how different Knott’s was when I was little. I’d like to point out my favorite memories. The farm animals area had a mascot dog, Queenie, who was always a tail-wagging greeter. She was the first one I wanted to go see and hug and get face-licks from. Just like Lassie, they were brilliant in naming each same breed dog Queenie over the years, when one would pass. Later, Knott’s Scary Farm and Knott’s Merry Farm came into existence. T likes to go to the Halloween Haunt every year. I used to go all the time, too. Since my birthday is just two days after Halloween it’s usually celebrated in some Halloween combination. I remember when I went to Knott’s Scary Farm with my friends for my 16th birthday and I couldn’t wait to visit the farm. “Farm?” Yeah, it’s still here although not a main attraction now. I went home with a Red Satin bunny. I named her Pumpkin. 

An oil painting by my grandpa. A couple of detail shots... 

I couldn’t avoid the lighting on it in my room... 

I have a small oil painting of cats, given to me when I was a little girl, and three of his pen etchings; a fox, a rabbit, and my favorite of a tree. I also have two paintings of flowers I asked for. All used to be up on the walls in my homes. T has a few of them in my stored belongings at their place, as well as my piano. I hope they don’t get damaged at any point. There’s a sad story about a lot of my grandfather’s work, and who has them, who avoided me after the funeral. My family out there say they will try to figure out a way to get them back, but I know they won’t, or can’t. This woman is wealthy and thinks she’s entitled. Anyway, it’s not important. My family who have paintings of his offered them to me, to take them down off of their walls (of course I couldn’t take them)... this woman avoided me at all costs, with several excuses, until I had to leave. I don’t know why they’re so important to her! Anyway, this painting was one that my dad loved. He had it hanging in his homes for years. When he became paralyzed, he pleaded with the doctors to let him go home again. Once he pushed through physical therapy and proved he was strong enough to do it, they released him. But, sadly, his roommate came home one day to a tipped over wheelchair, blood (and more) all over the walls and floor, and my dad missing. Thankfully, a neighbor heard him cry out and called an ambulance. We had no idea which hospital he was taken to. By the time I found him, walking into the ER room sectionals, the nurse across the way told the others, his DR says he’s DNR. I looked over and saw that it was my dad... too many details to tell it all, but I said, “No he’s not! Resuscitate him right now!” Who are you? - His daughter. What doctor said that? He’s fired. And I had her call my dad’s Internal Medicine doctor, who agreed to become his primary doctor. Too many details, but even after all that happened, they didn’t insert the tube correctly, and I pointed that out, because they were saying it was useless that he was going to die. So, they rushed him to x-ray and found out I was right, and corrected it. Everything was a nightmare. There’s so much more. He had a raging staph infection. His skin was discolored throughout his entire body, looking leopard-like. They said he wouldn’t recover from it... just like when they wanted me to pull the plug and he fully recovered. It goes on and on... too much to think about, really. But, that’s when the doctor did the dirty work for me and told him that he had to go back to a nursing home. Anyway, this painting, and some of my dad’s other belongings (when I moved him out of that house with his roommate), was kept in the warehouse where I worked. When I finally got my piano and the other stuff out of there only a few years ago, I planned to bring this painting to my dad and hang it in his room at the home. He was looking forward to it, but then his health took a turn, and he died before I could bring it to him. So, it’s been sitting in my room since... painting side against the wall, to protect it, braced by other things. If I could get my own place, I would hang them all again. I think at this point, we’re stuck here until spring, losing more money to rent, medical, meds and all in the meantime. I just hope that nothing changes by spring and we can still make this happen before I won’t be able to contribute anything or do for myself in that way. We’ll see 🙏🏻

Oh! I almost forgot! Look what I came across yesterday: baby...

I noticed my photos program created this video this August. It’s mostly of Aiden (T’s Make-A-Wish kitty) one of the last times when he was real sick, and I’m also trying to connect on Skype with T for him in the video, lol... It helped him a lot. We finally managed to get through to each other. They Skyped daily a few times... he was anticipating it in the one shot. It was awful how he died. Just like my dad. Neither should have gone through what they did. I can’t let that happen to Marozi. Everyone needs to brace themselves soon. Neither my aunt or T are ready to have him put down, and I talk about it all the time, but both keep saying he’s better in between... For what? Half a day? Anyway, dreading it, too. But I can’t experience more like that. I just can’t. It’s too much for me. I’ve seen and been through too much already. The flashbacks of both of them are hard. And, not just of them... of the children I watched die in the hospital, of all of the medical stuff I saw with my kid, my dad, Alex, others and my beloved animals, too. I just can’t. But, here’s the video... strange... the music doesn’t fit either. And, although Aiden looks awful in these photos, it’s not so bad that I wince and cringe and feel that deep emotional pain. Just sharing to get it out, I guess: 

Currently watching, The Last Airbender, on our new 55″ TV. Not bad. Theater sound. Our old TV went out two days ago. Waiting to hear if T & Alexandria are coming over for AHS. I have the house to myself for a few hours. Relaxing now... Trying to get my symptoms to calm down. Hours late on meds. Still can’t go without them. I guess I need Prednisone this time. I don’t think life will ever be easy for me. Ever. Nothing new.  I have to accept that, and have, and will. (Wed. 1:45pm)

(Art by willow-s-linda) - 9/26/19 2:18-2:42pm

Oh! You want to know what’s happening...

Well, T & Alexandria came over last night, but didn’t stay as late as usual. In part because my brother had to drive them home and needed to get up early today because he went to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. It must be nice to receive disability and health insurance and spend most of your time watching TV or playing video games or constantly going to amusement parks... Bitter, who me? And, I wasn’t feeling well, with my head foggy, so I didn’t feel like talking about any plans or progress on their part and they didn’t bring it up either. But, today, feeling worse I wrote to T. No response yet, but classes and work, etc. I’ll just paste screenshots. I left one little part out that is a little too personal to disclose publicly. Even if no response really, just knowing someone cares and listens is comforting (and I might delete a few later, but leave one that gives the gist for reference remembrance). I have to fwd them to be able to add here. I need a few. OK, here we go:

Maybe I said too much and it will just be skimmed again. But, I text, sent a detailed email before, and talk in person when I see them when I can and it doesn’t seem like I’m getting through to them. T tends to go into denial about the seriousness of a lot of things. I think it’s a coping mechanism. Like with Aiden and Marozi. Anyway, I noticed a few typos, too. Whatever. And, I typed loops instead of hoops (make you go through), but it feels more like loops, so it’s fitting, lol. I’m propped up in the living room chair with my support cushions and pillows, since my brother’s not here to take over the chair, and just made myself Double Spice Chai in my Stitch mug, and hope to find a movie to distract myself with for the time being. Hope your day is going smoothly! :)

Currently watching. Nothing else on...  Previously known in person, but I’ll take it as a refresher on these types.

TFBM (Source: thinned-skin via -thefixisin)

New listing townhouse. I went ahead and sent the link, saying that if we could get a different lender and a little more offered (not much more) this would be ideal. Coupled with my subtle joke, the funny part was in the real estate wording, trying to make it sound like an automatic chair was a big selling point: “What a deal!’’ (I don’t think they thought it was funny.)

Hard to see, but the stair chair is to the right, top of stairs.

TFBM

Peppermint tea and lights off, darkening blinds closed, diffusing a mix of Frankincense, Eucalyptus and Rosemary for the first hour. Next, I’ll add Peppermint and Lavender. The baby wants in with me so bad. He keeps rattling the doorknob and meowing in such a sorrowful way. He leaves and then comes back. It’s mid-afternoon. He can cat nap on the cat tree.

Putin will try a few scare tactics, through his cronies, but will let it go, not really caring. He has other tactics to gain his end, but I don’t think he realizes just how outdated most are, lol. It’s kind of funny to watch. But, on the serious side, it’s scary. 

Frankincense, Eucalyptus, Rosemary, Peppermint and Lavender is an odd combination. I’m mostly smelling the Frankincense and Eucalyptus now. The others must have brought out those two to the forefront. Frankincense helps boost the immune system and reduces inflammation. Eucalyptus stimulates the immune system, relaxes sore muscles, helps with depression and fatigue, sinus and allergies, and mental exhaustion; per science.

Chewbacca (Source: aleriydraws)

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

And Saved

Just a gist :)

#FBF This goes with the Knott’s stuff (Camp Snoopy)

WAIT! Something’s happening behind the scenes, like... I hear whispers and see many faces and finger pointing... what is it? WHAT IS IT? This pinned tweet is a distraction, a place holder, something people will stay with mentally, his signal to the alt right? I can’t tell. It’s a signal but for what? To who? Something’s going on. I hope it’s not something devastating. Stay vigilant whoever you are. I need to tune in, focus to see. WTH Trump? (Fri 9/27 8:45 pm)

ahem

I’m using this song to help focus...

Yes, I can. You underestimate me. Give it to me. IT, explosion, something missing. OK, blocking with energy. 

I Am Lion

+ Still no response from T even after I wrote again today...  I gave them a percentage of the original lender offer to deposit into their savings account to show we had at least that much for a down payment. Since it’s taking so long and doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen I’ve repeatedly told them both I need that money back to either use to afford moving/living expenses on my own, or medical if I’m without insurance much longer (part of the reason to move out of state), or to redeposit into the account it came from before the end of the year, if we move but not until spring, so I don’t get penalized for taking out too much this year without investment or proof of other mentioned.

Lemongrass tx alone right now, might add a few others. 

Cliff Burton has a few things to say in my last personal post. I’ll be adding them soon… lending his energy. Thanks for reminding me Faith No More. And, get well, James… I’ll be with you soon in energy. too. You’ve been through enough. And you’ve remained one of the nicest guys I know. Remember. (Yeah, I sound crazy. Who cares. I know what I’m doing.) Here’s this for now, live footage, from “Ride The Lightning” =

For Whom the Bell Tolls (9/28 4:24)

(5:23) Are you listening to the bass too?

Orion

The Call of Ktulu

The Four Horsemen

And, what do you know... I got a response, finally. It looks like I possibly can get insurance through them. Will be checking out the link sent to me soon. Fingers crossed.

Lemongrass tx, now with Teatree, Lavender & Cedarwood too.

OK, I’ll admit it, I’m slow because I haven’t been feeling well. We got part of it figured out... I used a “green” light, “green” in the Metallica song... money is “green”... Trump is suddenly receiving a lot of money, so they say... a golf course is “green”. IT, Intelligence Test, [What is an IT raid? IDK] (IT, Institute of Technology; IT, In Training...) Thank God for energy in the meantime... still need more.

Ohhh!!! IT, Income Tax [raid]. “Green” is money, and sudden donations, tax evasion… Trump! OK, we’ve gotten a little farther… oh, this is good. OK, golf resorts are “green”, too. Whispering on the “green”. Those who can do are you listening? Do the math… you’ve got this! There’s more. I’ll keep on, too.

I keep getting Moscow. Not Russia. Not Putin. Moscow. I don’t understand.

Even though T gave me info, and said they could give me the money back, nothing more was said. I told T to hang onto it for now and explained no rush, but by mid December at latest to redeposit if we don’t move before spring or if I need it sooner for medical expenses. Asked what they’re thinking at this point and an important question to be able to get the insurance too. I think they’re upset with me. But, come on... I’ve been more than fair and patient until now, when I have pressing matters. It’s sad and sucks. Everything.

[meggtheegg]

not sure if you've already done this, but Evan rankings?

YES I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS OKAY 

EDIT - I put them into chronological order because I feel iffy about listing them from “best” to “worst” because they’re all wonderful 

Ben Platt - Ben is the original. He won a Tony, and he deserved it. His portrayal is what most people think of when they hear “Evan Hansen.” He keeps Evan really specific but also very broad and open to interpretation. He’s a very relatable Evan that everyone can see themselves in, at least a little. He’s intensely emotional, his voice is stellar, and he’s just overall amazing. There’s not much I can say that hasn’t been said yet. The only reason I put the other two above him are 1. I saw them both live and have not seen Ben Platt on anything but a bootleg,  2. I do kinda have to suspend my disbelief about him being a teenager, and 3. I can’t unsee Elder Cunningham. So yeah, my own issues, not Ben’s. He’s awesome. I love him.

Michael Lee Brown - Hands down, my favorite Evan. By far. MLB is brilliant and had he been the original Evan instead of Ben Platt, I am convinced he would have gotten the Tony. His Evan is real and raw and so so emotional. His scene before You Will Be Found is the most uncomfortable thing in the world to witness, and you know he wants it that way. He stays on the floor for so long, having a panic attack so intense that his face goes red and you can see the veins in his neck and whenever you think he’s been going for long enough that he must be about to regroup, he just keeps going. He has consistent tics and fidgets that don’t feel planned or faked. He doesn’t try to justify Evan doing bad things. When he yells at Heidi or dismisses Jared, you get mad at him. But when it all comes down to it, you love him and feel empathy for him because he is so human. He makes dumb mistakes but he’s not defined by those mistakes. And he looks the part better than any of the others, in my opinion. In terms of character, I feel like actors tend to either interpret him as either having social anxiety or autism. Both are super valid and both make sense, but (probably due to personal experience) I usually tend to prefer the latter. My younger brother is Evan’s age, and he’s on the spectrum. He’s not usually crazy about theatre, but he was captivated when we took him to Dear Evan Hansen. He said it felt like he was watching himself onstage, and I don’t know if that’s Michael Lee Brown’s intention, but it sure as hell seems to be, and it sure looks like he did his research.

Colton Ryan - Colton was my second Evan, and honestly I think he is so underrated. The bootleg that’s out there does not capture what a fantastic Evan he is. He falls on the other side interpretation-wise, unquestioningly portraying anxiety, and boy does he do it well. Maybe it’s just because he’s very “conventionally attractive” or whatever, but his Evan seems like the kind of guy who could be one of the most popular kids in school if he wasn’t so afraid to talk to people. His Evan is witty and not exactly sure of himself, but he knows who he is and what he could be. He sees his own potential, if that makes sense. “Waving Through A Window” is a little less “I’m invisible and there’s nothing I can do about it” and a little more “I know what I have to do to get noticed, but the idea of that terrifies me.” His physicality is unbelievable and it makes his “Words Fail” in particular extremely powerful. In the beginning of the show, he is hunched over, looking at the floor, trying to make himself as small as physically possible without looking awkward. As the show goes on and he gets more and more confident, you can see him slowly start to stand up straighter and look people in the eye and become more and more confident, but it happens so gradually that you don’t even really notice it’s happening until a moment in “Words Fail,” where he shrivels right back down as everything collapses around him. It’s remarkable. He’s fantastic. Also, his Evan fixes some kind of problematic elements. Because of the way he plays him, his medication feels less like it was prescribed to be taken daily and more of a “take only as needed” thing. So, when his confidence grows and he stops taking it, it feels a little more like the “success” that Heidi sees it as. It’s such a little thing, but it always bugged me that a nurse would be proud of her son going off his meds. 

Noah Galvin - Noah is a wonderful comedic actor. I love him in The Real O’Neals, and I feel like if he’d been cast as Jared, he’d be very high on that list, because he’s got a real skill for finding glimmers of depth in the comic relief. But for me, personally, his Evan leaned a little too hard on comedy and that made his emotional moments a little less impactful. His singing voice is stellar and his chemistry with the rest of the cast was undeniable. I’m always happy to see him pop up in their Instagram stories. But, casting a comedic actor in an extremely serious, emotional role that’s way out of their comfort zone, though an interesting idea, is a real risk. A good friend of mine saw him and loved him, though, so again, this is very much my issue. I think I have a vision of what Evan should be, and that vision is pretty much just MLB’s portrayal, and Noah’s is the most different from his. So, yeah

Taylor Trensch - Now, quick disclaimer, I saw Taylor during Mike Faist’s final performance, so my focus wasn’t quite on him and he’s so sweet that he may very well have toned his own stuff down a little to highlight Mike, but his Evan, for me, was a little hit-and-miss. He tries a lot of new things that nobody else brings to the table and I definitely applaud him for that. It didn’t work for me, personally, but that doesn’t mean he’s not good. His Evan is less obviously anxious. He has more of a confidence issue than full-blown social anxiety, and he’s very, very friendly, even in scenes where most actors kind of have him acting like a dick. He’s obviously unaware of when he’s hurting Jared’s feelings, not actively trying to exclude him, but almost buying into the idea that Jared doesn’t like him and giving him permission to leave him alone. And when arguing with Heidi, he sees himself as a victim of her anger who doesn’t have a need to really defend himself because he doesn’t seem to see why any of it would upset her. Where other Evans are hyper-aware of how their actions affect the people around them, Taylor’s is kind of blissfully unaware of the mess he’s gotten himself into until “Good For You.” It’s an interesting take, for sure, and I can see why people really love him. Also, his scene with Heidi before “So Big, So Small” is the best out of all of them. He’s so overwhelmed and afraid to admit everything to his mom and he’s crying so hard that he can barely get the words out and it was incredible.

Ben Levi Ross -I’ve only been able to catch snippets of Ben, but so far, I enjoy his Evan. He’s going to be amazing on tour, and I’m so glad he has that opportunity. Even after only going on a few times, he’s already so good and I look forward to seeing his Evan evolve over time. As I said with his Connor, oh my lord his voice is just…so nice.

Stephen Christopher Anthony - I’ve literally only heard his WTAW but I am already in love. He’s so good.

[inspirationallyinsane]

December 11 2020

Hi Tumblr :) it has been such a long time since I have written anything. I would like to say it is because my life has been crazy or busy or even interesting. But that is not the case. I think that I haven't written simply because I haven't felt like myself in a long time. It's funny, I still call myself a writer. Like if someone were to ask me who I am or what my interests are; I would always say I'm a writer. I consider it a core part of my identity and yet I can't seem to do it. Sad, isn't it? Anyway. The last time I wrote I think I was going to Key? Right? From Chase? Over a year ago now? Haha. Yikes. I won't write too much about Key Bank but I will say that it broke my soul a little bit working there. It was an odd place. A group of fully grown adult women, acting like high school children. And I would talk to the people around me about it and unanimously the response was more or less shock at the things that were happening there. I don't know. I cried a lot during that time. I remember my depression and anxiety from HS and it doesn't even compare to how it was at Key. I had never wanted to be less alive than when I was working at Key. I am young, but I can say confidently, I will never have a worse job. Ever. Which is comforting in a way. If I can get through that BS I can probably get through anything. Lol. But! Out of all bad things comes good, right? I don't believe that necessarily, but in this case it is true. As always, my disdain for my workplace inspired me to get something better. I decided that I didn't want to fuck around with banks anymore and that I was ready to start my career as an actual financial advisor. So I applied to three different firms and, no surprise (not really, it's a huge surprise, I'm in no way qualified to be an FA right now), I landed a job at one of them. So I was hired to be a financial advisor at AIG retirement services, and I began studying for my tests. I worked at Key for about 3 months after I was officially offered the position at AIG. I was studying for the first test I would need to take, the SIE. I ended up quitting (sort of) in August. Key found out about the AIG thing and they weren't happy to say the least. But. What do they expect? I told the district manager directly that I was being bullied at my branch and I had other people confirming that fact. Not to mention that when I was hired they knew my ambitions, I told them, I wasn't trying to hide anything and I didn't spring anything on them like oh no way? I wanted to be an FA in a year. I was told that would happen when I was hired. 5 months in I was told that it would take 3-5 years to even get an assistant position. I'm not doing it. And obviously I am a very talented individual. I have had enormous success in my career in 3 short years. You can't hire someone like that and expect them to sit in a boring ass banker job for 3 years. It's not who I am. Hire someone else. Um. But, the AIG job is in Eugene. So I had to move! It actually all worked out really nicely though because the fires in Medford left my brother without an apartment right around the time I was looking for something in Eugene. We were able to get him into my and Trent's old apartment within about a month, and I found the cutest little place in Eugene. I love my apartment. It is technically a one bedroom but I turned it into a sort of studio with an office. I figure I'm not going to be having people over all that often, so a living room or entertaining area isn't important to me. I love my office space, it is so perfect, especially since AIG is work from home until who knows when. It is considerably smaller than my apartment in Medford was though. But! I have been saying for so long that I wanted to get rid of stuff, cleanse my life. I ended up getting rid of a lot more than I actually needed to. And so my place is a little empty, maybe? Not terribly empty but there's just a bit more that I could have. I don't want to buy more things though. Everything I have is because I truly want it. And that's a cool feeling. Really knowing everything you own. I think people often have things that they don't even realize they have. They don't know their own possessions. I know for sure I didn't. Before I went through my things, I thought I knew, but there was so much stuff that I had no idea about. Craziness. There is too much stuff in this world. Anyway. I'm all set up in my new place, the only super sad thing is being so far away from my family. Trent decided that he couldn't come with me. He is doing so well at his job and I'm really proud of him but it is hard to be without him so much. This is the longest relationship I've ever had by far. And there have been ups and downs, but at the end of the day I don't want to be without him. He was here all week and he's actually asleep in my bedroom right now as I write in my office. It's kinda a nice domestic little picture. I miss him constantly when he isn't here. We talk on the phone though and we have our games we play together. Recently he got me into WOW. I had a lot of fun leveling but since reaching 50 I haven't played much. We gotta get back to it. Essentially though things are going well with Trent and as of now I see us being together for a very long time. I will say that I haven't always been so confident in our relationship but somehow I think we have actually gotten stronger. The moving stuff was stressful. I'm glad we got through it. And of course I miss my mom and my dad. It's hard. I enjoyed our weekly lunches and I liked going over for dinner every once in a while. I still talk to my mom on the phone, my dad too but just less often. It's not the same though. Fortunately because of the holidays I have been able to go down to Medford at least once a month for the last few months, and I'll be going for Christmas too. I'm hyped about the gift Kodiak and I got for my parents. I think they're gonna love it. Definitely unique. It's hard to be alone. I feel kinda bad because I know Jonno is here and I should text him and hang out with him and it's not even that I don't want to but I have been struggling a lot emotionally since being here. My anxiety has been unbearable. It's an all day every day sort of affliction. I have never had such intense and frequent panic attacks. I actually ended up seeing a psychiatrist and getting a prescription for anti anxiety meds. I haven't taken them and I'm starting to do better. It helps when Trent is here. I've been trying to help myself. I'm trying to go on daily walks to the park next to my house, I'm trying to eat better, although most days I've had a hard time eating at all. I'm trying to get out and put myself in situations where I will see other people or be preoccupied. I'm finally feeling maybe up to starting a stream. I think that will be good for me. Anyway. That's all to say, I've just kinda been suffering since moving here. I don't want to say that it was a bad decision coming here, or accepting the job with AIG because being at Key was worse, just differently. Intense anxiety vs deep depression? I'll take the anxiety apparently, because I've dealt with anxiety so much that even though when I have panic attacks the physical symptoms suck ass, I know exactly what it is and exactly how to get through it. Being suicidal? That one is harder to know how to fix. Haha. Anyway. Back on track. I haven't been able to finish my testing for my FA position yet. Um and I have essentially been out of work for 6 months. So. I was definitely ready to go back. I ended up getting a job at Starbucks a little bit ago. It was fun. My manager was very nice to me. I learned a lot about coffee. I had no idea it was such a complicated subject. My manager's whole life was Starbucks. He had worked there for over 20 years. He knew everything there was to know about coffee and about Starbucks. It's very cool but at the same time I kinda wonder how a person is satisfied just being a SB manager for their whole life. Like, at the end of that day, are you satisfied with your accomplishments? I hope he is. I could never be, but I think that might be a flaw. I ended up having to quit after only two weeks though because I had a phone call with one of my partners (?) at AIG and we decided that I could start as a part time advisor assistant until I finish my testing. My 7 is scheduled to be soonTM so. It wouldn't be too long but it'll be a nice introduction to the company, and allow me to start working with some of the other FAs before becoming one of them. I start that position on Monday. Um. I'm actually really excited. They offered me more money than I thought I would get. And the hours are fantastic, and it is work from home. I mean. Could there be a better position? I don't think so. So far everyone from AIG has been just so awesome and accommodating. I have had some administrative issues, like with my U4 and testing and start dates, but ultimately I think it is going to be great working there. Hm. What else? I've been playing a lot of league. LOL is my favorite game ever. I love it so much. I love watching it and playing it and even thinking about it gives me joy. I have gotten a lot better since Trent and I started dating. I think it's because I am with him that I wanted to be better. Back when I started playing and it was me and AG I never felt much motivation to focus on the intricacies of the game, or even learn different champions or positions because the person I was playing with was... not really better than me? It's hard because he was at first but I didn't have to play the game right to be better than him. But! I always saw Trent as this like, pro LOL player ya know? I thought he was just so good and I always felt kinda bad playing with him cuz we would drag him down in the games. So when we started dating I was like, I want to be as good as he is. I want to get to his level so we can play together and it won't be uneven. I mean. Y'all know how competitive I am. I think now I can confidently say that I am. Not at all the champions but I am confident in my gameplay, particularly as ADC. I've played a lot. But it feels good. Oh! I've also gotten into playing words with friends with my grandma. Nams is so awesome. I love being able to play her favorite game with her and chat with her every day. It had been soooo long since we talked and so when she called me a week or so ago I mentioned that WWF might be fun for us to play together and keep us connected more. And it definitely has. Such a beautiful thing. That has been helping with my anxiety too. She makes me smile. Anyway. I guess that is all for now. Hopefully I will start writing more but no promises. Just honestly it’s probably not going to happen. I think about writing a lot. Maybe I just need to sit down and do it when I think about it. Maybe that’s what being a writer is. Who knows? I hope all my readers are doing well. If there are any of you left out there :)

[thewordonmainstreet]

It’s Happening Again:  On Seeing My Life Once Again Go To Shit

I said in a few blogs ago how I find people are looking so haggard and worn out by life.  Well that’d be me as of late.  Everything has been hard for me lately due to my current mental health crisis.  Either my meds. are no longer working or my mental health is getting worse.  I’m really, really struggling to cook, get out of bed, do daily tasks and most importantly, do my much-loved job well.  My brain has been the hardest hit as I process thoughts at a reduced speed. My ability to order priorities in a day and even type is affected.  I’m all drugged up, I can hardly think and I’m really having trouble matching up invoices, one of the new requirements of my job.  The confusion is unreal and I’m often having to think hard about some of the rules of the road.  This is scary shit.  I’ve been here so many times before, the depression or the meds. doing me in so many times in my life.  And I mean really doing me in, I haven’t achieved career or relational success all because life has been a constant fight against my mind’s demons. I was a college student recently diagnosed with severe depression/generalized anxiety (the terrible two that go hand in hand most of the time) and it took everything in me to get through and pass my program, albeit with a GPA that I had to lie about on job applications.  I failed two placements in my Early Childhood Education program because of my battle with mental health and I saw it start to take my future away. I was a young woman barely able to muddle her way through an Office Management program and again saw depression take me down.  My head was full of so many meds. that I could barely think.  As I started doing temporary administrative work, I only made it through those jobs because of colleagues and bosses who maybe didn’t see me struggling or didn’t say anything. Eventually, I just couldn’t find work, I’m sure the word got around to the agencies that I worked for.  Depression has stolen the best of my life time and time again.  I’ve lost so much and failed at so much because of it.  I know this feeling all too well, I’m at a pivotal moment when I could either be saved by grace and my goodness as a person or see it all go to shit.  What does life feel like doing to me today?  Have I been good enough to keep my job?  I haven’t been able to get through my days at work very well and sent out a highly personal and vulnerable e-mail to HR and another person I was doing a project for explaining how I feel.  I was asking for help and saying just how much I value my job.  So much is at stake here.  When it falls apart, it really falls apart.  What will happen first is an immediate financial hit.  My bank balance edging down and then I lack the ability to put good food on the table.  The cost of groceries is insane now and I was just starting to have desirable food in the house with this job.  When I suffer the blow of a lost job, I suffer the loss of good eating and am relegated to plain, survival eating that leaves me wanting so much more.  Then to thinking about getting another job.  I feel so stressed financially that it stops me from looking for work.  I don’t have the gas money or money for lunch breaks on the road to deliver resumés.  Almost nowhere will hire me with my resumé that makes it look like I can’t keep a job.  I can’t live on ODSP alone and my ODSP is automatically reduced due to the earnings that I have now. I work now, I pay later.  There will be no Christmas, there never has been for me, I’m living a life interrupted by a cruel illness or the drugs that treat it.  I hate the drugs and what they’ve done to me.  I imagine it in my mind so I’ll be able to get used to it when it really happens, me losing my home and everything I own.  The path isn’t very far from the house to street.  Charities are mired with long wait lists and stringent qualifying criteria.  This job is the only kind of routine I have in my life, it’s tethering me to normalcy.  I can see the family fights as mental illness causes so many of them.  For some reason, mental illness causes fights.  Cancer or kidney failure never does, but there’s something about mental illness.  My relationship with my parents has been fractured all of my life, only knowing moments of understanding that are as few and far between as are months of my good health.  They all see me as the black of sheep of the family that must be seen and not heard, it’s been that way since I was a child.  The fights are becoming more frequent now.  I can hardly wait until Christmas. The straw is so close to breaking the camel’s back and one day they will just get so sick and tired of me because of my illness.  I see myself in my dreams losing everything, the painful rows with my parents because they’re so fed up, them telling me I’m a total failure and that their taking my home away as the final statement of  their displeasure.

Me ending up on the street panhandling, the plausible end of a life mired by health battles and deep poverty.  I want to prepare myself soon for this so I imagine it more and more often in my mind.  I see myself struggling to eat meals at soup kitchens because when I get really stressed I cannot physically swallow food.  I’ve been to meal programs a few times before in life starting when I first got sick at age 18 and then in my late twenties and maybe I will darken their doorways again.  I search social services and charities on the Internet to prepare myself so I know whose out there and where they’re located.  I’ve worked so hard to create my own unique signature on this home. Work as in shop I should say but when you have to go from thrift store to thrift store, that’s work.  I’ve got so many one of a kind, quirky decorations, kid’s toys, stuffies, McDonald’s toys and miniatures. 12 years of committed thrifting has amassed me a lot of whimsical, unique finds that I cherish.  I have a razor-sharp mind and have the uncanny ability of recalling just what thrift store each item was procured from.  Now I’m under pressure and in the fight of my life to hold onto that stuff.  Shit’s never been so real as it is now.  There’s no way I’m losing this place yet as I lie in bed when the confusion and mental anguish is so real, I imagine me calling around to get prices on storage lockers knowing that I’d never be able to afford what they’re asking and keep myself fed in the same month.  I can’t figure out what I love the most, almost like what I would grab first if there was a fire.  I love it all, I’ve worked so hard to keep jobs to fill my home with nice things.  I see myself on the street, a blanket over my knees as I hold out a cup and hope I look pretty enough without makeup because I’ve lost my whole collection, tears running down my face because this is just too much to bear. It’s just too much.  I’m in the fight of my life to hold onto this job.  I’ve seen this fight so many times before.  The e-mail or conversation where you reveal your health struggles and the ever uncomfortable fallout.  You muddle through the day and you’re treated like a stranger that doesn’t even work there.  You become the subject of whispers by the water cooler.  They don’t even tell you where you’re f’ing up as there’s no reason to.  You go in everyday, ready to be fired.  When getting through the day is as much of a battle as it is now, getting through the month most often never happens.  When you’ve got a broken mind, soon enough you’ll be broke yourself.  And the fact that most people on the streets have a mental health issue really hits home.....just when will I be among those in the city’s homeless count?  I’m hanging by a moment here and hope there is mercy and understanding.  I can’t afford to lose what I’ve got.  I’ve got more money in the bank than I’ve had for 5 years (and it’s not a whole hell of a lot) yet I’ve never been closer to the edge.  The only jobs I can get now are shady day jobs where I risk not getting paid or Tim Horton’s and like I want to be a slave for a brand that honestly tastes like watered down mud. My longest job in life was 6 months and my resumé rivals a new grad.. The blue collar world destroys me by bullying or abuse and the white collar world doesn’t understand me.  The truth is the world doesn’t want a f up like me.  I’m a nice girl finishing last and the social safety net isn’t robust enough for my complex situation.  My mind or the matter (the damn drug that may have caused this) decides what’s going to happen next.  Do I lose it all or somehow hold onto it?  Survival is all I really think about, there are no breaks from the gritty work of survival.  Will I have healthy food in my house, will I be able to get through next month?  I just hope that fortune will favour me and that I can hold onto this job.  I’ve never wanted anything more in life than to have something last for me, to have something go right.  Too much has gone wrong for someone that just wants the pride of a hard day’s work.  When it all falls apart, it really f’n falls apart.  It’s messy, it’s embarrassing and it’s scary.  I’ve been falling apart all of my life. 

[convndrums]

here the FAWK she ( the semi-finished masterlist of all my characters ) is ! took way too long but hopefully as you proceed to click on the linque below you’ll know why smh but yep ! i’ll be adding their pages on my account when i’m done with them soon i hope and maybe come back with a bunch of connections for each character but for now this is all i got & smash this like or im me for plots i’d love to get on those finally xx

reintroducing amanda wheeler;  intro & info page.

queen of irony. rich post- faux country gal who’s a loud homosexual and writes hetero fics/has an indie het smut for the absolute shits and giggles. dates a married woman she’s utterly in love with and will pull the life support cord for. said to be possessed by a possessed flapper. cute and knows it even though she looks like a republican. socially open & everywhere. morally grey.

reintroducing imogen yates; intro & info page. ( tw violence )

the grey area between your mom friend and your drunk aunt. happily vegan & owns a vegan restaurant called the fork, alt. the vegan cult’s lair. won’t kill you, but will convince you she really wants to. local brat tamer. minds her business via minding others. clashed head-first into nature’s very own reset button: amnesia. used to be satan and traumatized everyone. disgustingly active and accomplishing.

reintroducing ethan holland; intro & info page. ( tw suicide )

he is a sk8r boi, she said see ya later boy ( and meant it. they’re dating now. hey lourdes ! ) a nice person, so nice he doesn’t realize how fake he sounds/is. a certified headass. previously a bully/bully enabler, current guilty fuck. #torn. does the most for his loved ones. doesn’t remember his own birthday. googled foot fetishes once. trolls stan twitter with his fake selena gomez stan account when tumblr crashes. burned a sue of cide note with his name scribbled on it.

reintroducing sebastian miller; intro & info page ( tw violence )

kazimer sokolov whom. russian ex-cult member well-adjusted into a mundane life via lies, a fake canadian accent he’s ‘trying to get rid of’, being a twilight saga aficionado and a dickwad, a lame record store and a tumblr blog to keep himself sane by maintaining a general aesthetic and shitting on people and every discourse out there. knives/books sniffer. allegedly fucked a moose. probably kinkshames as a way to deal with his own “kinks” aka please keep the dead bodies away. ( im kidding i swear but [redacted] )

reintroducing prudence zima; intro & info page ( tw death )

parents died in a fire when she was two months old and it shows. idolizes avril lavigne & her favorite movie is lords of dogtown for aesthetics references. dude. social leech or effortless networker ? both. remains in her lane regardless. cry-types probably. here for a good time, not a long time. steals your stash and smokes you out with it. avid dick connoisseur. minimum effort lifestyle. either on her way to become a manager of some one hit wonder band that finds it’s demise in a freak accident, a drug dealer or god forbid, a guidance counselor; depends. mild cool girl syndrome. 

reintroducing jennifer meade; intro & info page ( tw death, violence and abuse )

bi/pussy muncher and proud misandrist, first and foremost. remembers killing her brother very fondly. the one girl in a room to call when you want to kill a bug and you’re relieved until she kills it with her bare hand. tops. unstable & chaotic evil, respectively. the ginger devil. biased and has her minion whom she invests a great deal of her time in brain washing and obsessing over. supposedly here to make amends but that’s not happening any time soon.

reintroducing margot williams; intro & info page ( tw mental illness )

deserves better. very gay. all her friends are heathens xtra, take it slow. corrects typos in the gc. a nerdy editorial assistant daydreaming about publishing houses instead of the magazine she works for. lowkey shy and she’s angry about it. goes off if she must. jacks off to #knowledge and yuri anime. helps with homework and essays and takes the kids out. deadpan because we’re original but she swears it’s just the face & unresolved trauma. stans her therapist. unofficial older sister.

reintroducing chandler accardi; intro ( re-written ) & info page

needs to do better. dropped out of college for culinary school then dropped out of that too. was engaged to an absolute goddess he ultimately wronged ( with her damn best friend, bitch disgostin* ) and got kicked out to the curb. currently residing in the couch of his sister until things are resolved. thot-by-default & annoying. has like three ( 3 ) redeeming qualities. has never been told to shut up and it shows. works at buzzfeed.

reintroducing abel gautier; intro & info page

french and “confused”. lives a minimalist n’ expensive life. if american psycho & french kiss were the same movie. wine sniffer. the devil bakes croissants. will watch you die. takes grudges to the afterlife. gets attached but either ruins it or ruins it to spare everyone, himself included. falls in love a lot but knows how to calm the fuck down. very giving, fortunately. manipulative but isn’t too wild about bending everything to his will. 

reintroducing simini gale; intro & info page ( tw abuse, violence & mental illness )

token white actress & character in rosie’s show. [ britney vc ] its me.... against dissociation. a loud mess with an intense mental state and anger issues dulled out by her prescribed meds and whatever pill she got in the bottom of her manager’s purse. dependent and distraught about it. grocery shopping for garbage food and attending comedy stand up shows half drunk as a hobby. stable ? where. very nice and super flighty. heels are hot. wishes she could fight someone without feeling the urge to actually fight someone. 

reintroducing calvin o’shea; intro & info page ( tw mental illness )

it’s not just the depression more than the incredible self hatred. walks into rooms with his bad energy, grumpy mood and cunty attitude. graduated college just to shut his dad up. wants to die harder than edward cullen. just doesn’t give a shit. has a baby named freddie mercury ( also known as the antichrist, with alanis, his mortal literal enemy whom he absolutely despises and will not hesitate to put his dick back in again lbr ) who will probably grow up to talk shit about his parents whom he also mentioned in his tell-all book on ellen. works at his family’s bookstore that sucks the life energy out of college students nearing a mental breakdown.

reintroducing isabel pavia; intro & info page ( tw drug use )

contemporary dances her feelings away. too ambitious for her own good but knows what she’s doing. in a goth ass secret society ( here ) a.k.a her new found purpose. knows everything eventually. oddly trustworthy. doesn’t know what speaking loudly is, let alone yelling. loves the moon & has that moon app. had to take painkillers when she twisted her ankle very badly and would take them for a while for stress and performance reasons, but has stopped. a quiet angel. 

reintroducing anastasia zeller; intro & info page

ambitious/multi-talented asshole. horror trash & an emotional/mental maze which translates well into her weird works on no sleep reddit and current horror comedy podcast. ( click here for info ). needs a therapist according to a friend, whom she dropped for saying that. will bite your head off. obsessed with her works to an unhealthy point. would love to establish a company and stuff out of it and is working on that. healthy relationships are a semi-foreign concept.

reintroducing morgan booker; intro & info page ( tw death )

vape-curious and takes photos of ghost towns and abandoned-everythings because #vision. had a roadtrip phase like the fake deep idiot he is. morally grey. genuinely here for a good laugh and spreading joy in the form of hover-friendships and taking lit candids of his friends. knows shit and comes off as a creep sometimes but does he really care. knows your mom’s name. lives in a disused hospital bc he’s marinating on that aesthetic. 

reintroducing bowie harmon; intro & info page ( tw drug use & abuse )

part of a duo in a web series as the anxious n’ cackling mess. showcases her depressión & anxieté by her colorful wigs n’ new hair dyes. painful receptionist at a tattoo parlor. recovering addict who advocates for drug use. thinks tattooing a ruler on someone’s dick one day would be the peak of her accomplishments as a tattoo artist. daily bad decisions. “ it’s complicated. ” when asked about literally any relationship she has with anyone in her life. traumas include her failed singing career. an ex viner-by-association.

reintroducing shaheen bin baz; intro & info page ( tw violence & mental illness )

the physical deception of going through hell in a short amount of time with zero mental durability to begin with during midterms. trigger-anxious. will shoot your toes off your foot if caught off guard. aided in criminal operations with the brilliance of his mind in codes. would not mind dying. seasons your food. waters his crops in his balcony garden. the grey area between a super laidback dude and a crackhead with violent tendencies. nearing a mental breakdown probably. 

reintroducing minka abbott-santos; intro & info page ( tw abuse )

defeats the evil stepmom stereotype one breath at a time. the human embodiment of a deer. gothic angel. alarmingly gets black swan. type to wake up to her staring at you from an armchair across the room, but lovingly, with a book she was reading in hand and two hot cups of tea; she was waiting to start the day with you. spooky until you get to know her and even more spookier when she’s ( note: calmly ) pissed but that’s extremely rare. gentle voice, soul and everything.

reintroducing reuben faulkner; intro & info page ( tw abuse & violence  )

rekt hell prince. lived in an amish community with his family until he got kidnapped away from home when he was seven into an awful living situation. doesn’t remember if the gas leak that happened five years later and killed everyone was his doing or not. knows where his real family is after months of tracking them down but. blood kink under investigation. shady bouncer at a shady club. has issues he has no care or time to diminish. fights for the shits and giggles. leaves texts at read. leaves you alone for your own good and his own sanity. 

reintroducing alexandra turunen;  info page

wants to do everything and be everything and doesn’t know what to do with herself ( read: post-graduation identity crisis ) currently investing in a motorcycle for no reason. essentially jobless. a “retired” kathryn merteuil who “outgrew” her cunning ways since highschool but really only found new socially destructive interests. appears to be self-possessed but she’s #shaken. doesn’t care about how well she presents herself anymore after getting rejected by four universities and refusing to accept her father’s offer to pull some strings to get her in one. sleeps a lot. 

reintroducing giuseppe del vecchio;  info page ( tw death & drug use  )

goes by pepe because well. son of italian oil peeps & is extra. said to be in a cult when all he’s in is this extra ass dining club that does the most for initiation ceremonies. ready to fall in love with you. goes to the king’s college in london and studies business & changes his minor way too often for everyone’s liking. into everything and will be down to do whatever. faux deep. mischievous shit. incredibly unbiased. had his rawrk n’ roll phase that died along with someone in a club literally. still has it but he knows god now & less drugs.

reintroducing kelian scott;  info page ( tw death & drug use  )

a father/father figure who tries™. runs a mechanic shop/chop shop because bad decisions and dire needs ( had his son to send to school and his daughter who passed away due to a disease he couldn’t afford to treat even after turning his shop into a chop shop. his wife then left him ). stares into the distance. wants the best for the kids but one of them is a junkie ( he doesn’t know yet ) and the other -- his niece -- is an orphan he’s worried about. thinks ahead 24/7. needs to pull out of this dull n’ depressing daily routine he has fallen into like the basic ass divorced dad he is. 

reintroducing sal presley;  info page

smexy trace & fingerprint detective. talks. the perfect illusion to bring home to your parents and friends. gets shit done which is both a good thing and a bad thing. looks calm, collected n’ well-rested but isn’t. his actual name is salvatore but no. knows how to mix drinks and more; used to showcase his multi-talented ass to make his ( currently ex ) fiancée look good now just himself. was engaged three times; two of those times with the same person. obsessive; gets into his job a little too intensely for no reason but #justice and maybe something else whom knows. loses sleep at least two nights a week as a habit at this point. has an extended family back home he misses occasionally. wishes he could calm down truly. 

[kkelenca]

Heads up: #depression #suicidal ideation

[newhologram]

Survival is anything but typical

I don’t work hard at positivity and happiness and self care because I’m privileged or neurotypical or never had anything bad happen to me ever.

Why would someone with such a perfect (and not real, no one has this) life and brain and body need to work so hard for those things? 

Maybe we need to ask ourselves that before we call every person or coping method *~neurotypical~* and be assholes about it. Maybe just don’t be an asshole at all, because neurotypical is not an insult? Why have we turned it into an insult? I’m really uncomfortable with “haha i make the assumption that ur brain is more on the normal side bc u recommended something to help, fuck u”, that’s really immature and gross.  

Unless you can literally see into someone’s brain, unless you’re someone’s actual neurologist or something, maybe don’t assume you know whether or not their brain is “normal” based on something that is annoying but ultimately just harmless ignorance like, “hey, I know you’re in a lot of pain everyday, maybe this one type of yoga is something that could help, I saw it in a documentary!”

Like, let’s talk about that for a second. As a disabled person (physical and mental yay), these are the things I work hard at to try to make life more bearable and to stay alive because my conditions and the high levels of pain I’m almost always in literally almost caused me to end my own life: meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, herbs, self-massage, journaling, and there are more things like treatments I get or going to the sauna but those are just the things I do myself. 

Guess what people who do not have such illnesses are constantly suggesting to me?

Me: *confesses to someone my illnesses and struggles* Them: Oh! You know, yoga might help— Me: Yeah, I do it twice a day. Really helps my spine out.  Them: Have you tried medit— Me: Two or more times a day, Primordial Sound as well as Vedic mantras and yeah, it’s really great for so many things. Them: My cousin’s husband’s niece does this thing where they get the oil from thyme leaves, you know like the stuff you cook with— Me: Yeah, I know, I use white thyme oil actually, it’s excellent for nerve pain and fatigue.  This is literally. Every new person. I meet. Who learns about my status as a person with incurable debilitating chronic illnesses. It’s exhausting and when I’m cranky all I can think is “what the fuck you just learned that I’ve been sick for several years and you think I never tried fucking yoga??????” But I don’t say that because I don’t wanna be a dick for no reason. That would make me a dick. There is no scenario where I would not be a dick for acting that way. People are not mind readers, the universe doesn’t revolve around me, strangers do not know what I’ve tried. My sister has tagged me in self care stuff in instagram that I already knew about, so should I call her a “fucking neurotypical” and be an asshole when she’s trying to help her little sis out? Sure, if I wanna be a dick.

My anger and frustration and suffering is not an excuse for me to be an asshole and snap at them and insult them for not knowing any better, for not understanding that yes, these things are very helpful and I already do them but they’re not cures and every person with illness is different and has to find different things that work for them. Yoga is great for me but might be too hard for others. In fact sometimes yoga is too hard for me if I’m having a bad flare up and I can barely stretch my arms without getting woozy. 

I’m just cracking up imagining some tumblr “blogger” at a healing center constantly interrupting a self-care lecture like “UM IMAGINE BEING THIS NEUROTYPICAL LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!” in a room full of sick and disabled people who are desperate to learn ways to improve their functionality and lessen suffering. You would look like an idiot and an asshole. 

When my self-care is mocked, my survival is mocked. When my survival is mocked, my will to live is mocked. When my will to live is mocked, my life is a joke then, isn’t it? I’m just a joke. Look at New, what a joke she is, making a yoga routine and sticking to it, what a joke she is, working hard to be nice and patient with people even when they piss her the hell off and on the inside she’s screaming. She must be #neurotypical lololololololol but oh wait her brain literally didn’t have enough bloodflow most of her life and her brainstem was compressed to the point where her brain couldn’t talk to her organs properly looool so #typical #amirite

I’m positive because on the inside, I’m actually very negative. The truth is, I hate myself. I hate my guts. I hate my voice, my face, my handwriting, my art, my videos, my life, my work, everything. It takes so much work to go about daily life with this much hatred for myself and sometimes it’s so overwhelming that my brain goes, “you don’t even deserve a heating pad or pain meds or acupuncture, you should just suffer and die and free your family from the burden of having to take care of you, and your friends will be much happier with you gone because then they won’t have to hear you complain all the time about how much pain you’re in!” I feel that I’ll never make my father proud, I’ll never be “someone”, I’ll never be happy, I’ll never find love, I’ll probably drop dead by age 30 and the thought is mostly “eh whatever” to me because I do not value myself and I’m constantly pushing myself precisely because of, wait for it and I hate that I’m saying this, internalized ableism is so deep in me that I do not feel that I’m worth what other people are worth. So my brain thinks, “it’s okay for YOU to make yourself suffer just to spare this actually able person a simple inconvenience because you are not of any value.”

Literally that is my brain nearly every day and I have so many up and down moodswings that I’m almost constantly overwhelmed by it. I work so hard to keep that shit locked in tight because if I don’t, it manifests as passive aggression and meanness and I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON ANYMORE. I DON’T. During very imbalanced and very sick times in my life, I was that person. I was awful. I was so deeply depressed and angry and suicidal that I acted like a fucking lunatic! I was mean! I was abusive! I was NOT A GOOD NEW! This was my mental illnesses aggravated by physical illnesses at their absolute worst.

It’s not neurotypical to want to be a better person. 

It’s not neurotypical to do my best with what I have and be grateful for what I have.

It’s not neurotypical to look on the bright side even when everything looks shitty. 

Like. I can barely work right now. I’m in my late 20′s. My 20′s are gone because I spent them sick instead of having normal life experiences. Last year I kissed someone for the first time in almost a decade, because illness kind of gets in the way of any kind of romantic life. One of my fears has happened. I’m too sick to do the work I love right now. It’s terrifying and I hate myself for it, I can’t stop feeling so horrible and feeling like I’m so weak for needing this time to heal and not using it to be working hard on set or advancing my career, and I have to maybe face the reality that I’m just done for and that was all I was going to be able to squeeze out of my poor sick body.

So you know what I do to deal with these feelings? 

I meditate. I make lists of the things I’m grateful for. I look for the abundance so that I won’t tunnel vision on the lack. Because otherwise all I see is lack, all I see is my pain, all I see is my empty wallet, my debt, my bruises, my vomit, my tears, my blood, my tiny studded belt in my shaking hands.

So bite my disabled ass. It’s finely toned from all the yoga I do, so be careful not to shatter your teeth.

[waige4life]

personal

I dont really post much about myself on here but i thought you guys might want to know more about me (if not just continue scrolling)

this is just something I had to do for a class anyway so here :)

p.s. number 11 was my favorite to write!

My 20 Journals

1.      What’s not working?           Nothing is working. I have almost no friends and the one friend I do have I barely talk to. I don’t tend to have fun anymore. When I’m not working on school stuff I’m either at work or sleeping. I will occasionally go Pokémoning with my family but this can become tedious and time consuming. My mental health is declining and my physical health isn’t much better.

2.      What lessons are you currently learning?           I am currently learning that plans will always change. I am a very organized person and I like to plan ahead. From planning when I’ll do my homework to planning when I will graduate. When I started thinking about college almost two years ago I wanted to be a Med Evac flight nurse. Now I’m transferring to another college to pursue a degree in nuclear medicine.           Plans change for various reasons. When I was diagnosed with epilepsy my plans changed from coast guard search and rescue medic to flight nurse. When I developed chronic shin splints my plans changed from nurse to nuclear medicine technologist. I always hope this will be the last big change but I know deep down my plans will change again.

3.      What would you like more of in your life?           I would like more time. I need time to spend with my friends, time to earn money, time to study and time to focus on me. Right now my life is a blur. With 19 credits and a goal of bringing my GPA up by 0.14 I have no time. I now only work on Saturdays and I haven’t spent time with friends since the beginning of the semester. I spend time with my family at night when we go Pokémoning but I fear lack of sleep so I can’t make up the lost studying time at night. I need time to finish what I need to do and then I need time to do what I want to do. I need time.

4.      What would you like less of in your life?           I would like less stress. I’m stressed out by school. I’m stressed out by my lack of focus and my lack of friends. I’m always trying to drown out the stress with wandering or browsing Tumblr but then I get more stressed that I’m wasting time by not working on school work. I need to relax but I don’t know how.

5.      What are you procrastinating on? Why?           I’m procrastinating on this class. I procrastinated doing this project because I thought it would be easy. I’m procrastinating taking the exam because I know it will be hard. I need to read the book. I need to watch all the power points. I cannot fail this class.

6.      What do you stand for?           I stand for doing the right thing. I stand for helping people and always being nice. I have been a girl scout all my life and I feel that is a very good description of what I stand for. I know wherever I end up in life I will be doing the right thing. Whether I’m working as a 911 operator or a disaster emergency responder I will always be helping people.

7.      What are your contradictions?           When I was running with the ambulance I was really good at staying clam during calls like cardiac arrests. Now I get overwhelmed very easily at the restaurant. Whether it’s having too many tables or having an unhappy guest I tend to cry on a regular basis. It may sound horrible but cardiac arrests are my favorite calls they are so organized and straight forward, I know what I have to do and I do it well. Whereas at the restaurant you’re just kinda trying your best to make every one happy.

8.      Who are you right now?           Right now I am a student. I am a daughter, a student, a scorpion fan, and a Pokémon Go player, but mostly a student. I am a current student at LCCC and I am a future student at either Indiana University of Pennsylvania or Cedar Crest College. I am member of team mystic on Pokémon go and huge fan of the show scorpion. I am all of these things and more but right now I’m focusing on being a good student.

9.      Who were you? How have you changed in the past years?           I used to be an average student. I used to coast through school. I never studied; I would pay attention in class, do the homework, and then cram for the last five minutes before the test. Now I’m realizing that you cannot pass certain classes without studying.  For most of my classes I still pay attention, do homework, and cram but for certain ones I have started studying.           I studied the models in the tutoring center for both A&P one and two. I also study for nutrition after realizing it was more information than I expected. Finally I study for this class. There is not lecture to pay attention to and the homework doesn’t cover the whole chapter like the mastering homeworks do. I also can’t cram as there are only two tests in the whole class and you can’t cram for nine chapters in five minutes.

10.  What do you secretly yearn for?           Secretly I yearn to be in the military. Most of my dreams and goals are well known as I am a very open person and I don’t hide much. The reason this dream is kept secret is because it is impossible for me. I have epilepsy, chronic shin splints, and a bunch of other medical problems that would keep me from ever passing their medical exam. Somedays I still dream of somehow getting involved as a civilian though.

11.  Describe your ideal day.           Claire and I are at Breinigsville Park on a beautiful spring day. Finals are over and we both don’t have anything on our schedule for the day. We start throwing a softball back and forth, right on the field where we first learned to play. She teaches me hooping tricks and we laugh at all our failed attempts. Early in the afternoon a thunderstorm suddenly pops up over head.           We don’t have time to run back to her house so we decide to sit in the pavilion and watch the beautiful musical Mother Nature has created for us. When the storm passes we head home, both of our parents are there. Our moms are in the dining room chatting over hot chocolate and out dads are in the kitchen just finishing the most wonderful homemade spaghetti. We eat dinner and dessert before we retire to the living room to watch a harry potter movie. After the movie her dad goes to bed, her mom and my parents start playing cards, and Claire and I retire to the family room where we cuddle up in blankets with hot chocolate and talk about our dreams of moving out and getting an apartment together one day.

12.  What are 3 things you are currently – and consistently – doing that don’t serve or support you?           First I am stress eating. I eat way more than I need to and I eat unhealthy choices. Second I’m staring to cut myself off from everyone. I no longer go to church and I will most likely not be able to see my camp family this summer as I will be taking classes during the summer. Third I am not seeking help when I obviously need it. My old coworkers at the ambulance corps and many of my friends have urged me to get some help with my (undiagnosed) anxiety. I’m not doing any of these on purpose but I’m too busy to deal with any of them.

13.  What’s your one word intention for today?           My one word intention for today was focus. I needed to focus on writing these journals and studying for the midterm. On a normal school day though, my one word intention is survive. I need to survive the pain of walking to class and the awkwardness of talking to people. I need to survive this day so I can survive this semester.

14.  What are the little things that leave you beaming from the inside out?           One of my favorite little things is helping people find their way around campus. My daily route from class to class goes right by a campus map and I often see people looking at it. The map doesn’t show room numbers and they can be confusing especially in the science hall. I always ask if I can help and where they’re headed. I’ve been here long enough that I can give them good precise direction and I always walk away smiling.

15.  What are you waiting for?           I am waiting for an acceptance letter from Indiana university of Pennsylvania. IUP is my number one choice right now followed by Cedar Crest College. At IUP I would stay on campus but a Cedar Crest I would need to decide whether I stay at home and save money or move into an apartment with my best friend and start my adult life. I like to make decisions as soon as possible. If I’m not accepted I need to know so I can make other decisions.

16.  How do you want to feel?           Painless, I want to feel painless. I also want to feel satisfied and happy but today my back flared up on top of my constant shin splint pain. My chiropractor went out of business and I haven’t found a new one yet. My back hurts, my neck hurts, my shoulders hurt, and my shins hurt. I envy the day when I can walk to class or sit on a stool for long periods of time without being in pain.

17.  When do you feel vibrant, electric, powerful, most alive?           I feel most alive when I’m in another reality. I love to read books, watch TV , and watch movies whenever I need to destress because they make me feel like I can escape the horribly boring and tedious life and go on an adventure with them. In books I can be a warrior, I can have special powers, I can be in a completely different universe. In TV shows and movies I can be a genius or a wizard. Anything is better than being a boring college student.

18.  How can you incorporate more fun and more play into your life?           I think a good way for me to incorporate more fun into my life would be to start MMA classes. My friend and I went to a woman’s self-defense class last year and became interested in taking MMA classes. We both took a free class and we wanted to sign up but the cost was just too much for a college student. I think I may have saved up enough now and I think it might also help me relieve some stress.

19.  I love…           I love food. It’s actually become a problem lately. I really love to eat and the stuff I love to eat is not the healthy stuff. My healthiest habit is having a banana in my ice-cream. I don’t like many vegetables or fruits so it can be very difficult for me to eat a healthy meal. I’m taking a nutrition class right now and its really opening my eyes to how bad my diet is.

20.  5 things you want out of a relationship.           First I want stability. I need someone I can count on, someone that will always be there. Second I need affection, someone that will love every little quirk about me. Third I need encouragement. I need someone who thinks I can do it and tell me to never give up even when others say I can’t.           Fourth is an outlet. I need someone I can talk to about my family and my friends and everything that’s bothering me. Finally I want a special bond with someone. I want the kind of bond where we can just sit on a couch cuddled up in blanket and just enjoy each other’s presence without any TV or talking. All I want is the perfect personality, I don’t care about looks.

[davidsilvercloud]

Terry David “Butch/Butch Naked” Silvercloud

“Step aside!  I shall perform the necessary heroics”  Comic Book Guy/The Simpsons

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” - T. S. Eliot

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THE DAILY GRIND… ARE WE THERE YET?

Monday, 18 Dec. 2017

A cool, grey and rainy kind of day.  Got lots of painting done, exercises, selfies.  Had the Seattle News Station on TV because of the train wreck just south of the border, here.

I went to bed by 10pm.  I'm adjusting my meds program and taking Diclofenac in the mornings, now, to see how that goes.  The stomach issues (side effects) have subsided.  I don't eat early in the day and it is to be taken with food.  The hard part, for me, is eating something in the morning when I have zero hunger for anything but a cup of coffee.

I've been sleeping a bit more trying to adjust my sleep pattern so I go to bed early and get up early... opposite to what I've done much of my life.  Days are very short in winter and I want to have as much daylight as I can for painting.  Painting in artificial light is difficult to get the colours right.

My painting has undergone rapid change and improvement over the past year as I gain more knowledge and control of the colours.  Green is particularly hard to control as there are no artist's green pigments... pure pigment.  Greens are made by mixing various blue pigments and yellow pigments.  The only natural and reasonably permanent green pigments for artists are rather crappy greens.  So, the brightest and most permanent green is Cadmium Green, often called Permanent Green, made by mixing Cadmium Sulfide and one of the blues, usually Cobalt Blue, but sometimes Phalocyan Blue.  The best brand, I've found, is Stevenson's Cadmium Green.  It can be used right out of the tube and not look pukey when dry.

The shadows of trees are extremely hard to do.  Often most painters just let it go black or dark brown.  Dark Green is very difficult.  I've finally found a mix that dries near black but shows enough nice green to be green.  It's a complex mix but uses Liquitex Sap Green fluid body paint to darken a mix of greens made from Permanent Green, Phalo Blue Green, Cadmium Yellow Light.  I've done it enough I can tell where the mix is going by looking at the colour I'm seeing.  With Acrylic Paints, the wet colour IS NOT THE DRY COLOUR.

While there are lots of Industrial Green Paints, and Dyes, painters require pigments which are both permanent... don't fade easily with light over a long time, and which can be reduced to powder form that mixes with the medium.  For instance, you can't get Veridian Green in Acrylics except as a 'hue' (mix) colour... made from several pigments.  Veridian pigment simply does not like acrylic medium and goes lumpy.

Veridian is a great 'distance' shade of green when mixed with white... distant trees.  Liquitex makes a very nice Veridian Hue in fluid body paint.  It dries black but is a blue/green as soon as any white is added.

I'm making adjustments to a number of paintings to incorporate new ideas about contrast and colour I've had.  I'm working hard every day on my art to try to get a large number of landscapes completed which I have been working on for a  number of years... working out the compositions and building up the paintings.  I don't use photos or real life and make up my scenes.  Sounds easy but it has a lot of issues to resolve.  I've learned it's better to begin with a rough sketch of my idea, then block out the values a bit.  I'm a lot better at dreaming up compositions because of 15 years of practice.

I want to work in oils and have many, many unfinished works... I know enough now to complete them fairly rapidly.  I'll do that once I complete the 25, or so, Acrylic works I've been working on the past 5 years.

“it’s time to go home.  The insurance company said you’re as well as they’re going to pay for” Doctor Hibbert/The Simpsons

THIS IS THE END OF THE DAILY GRIND.

IF YOU HAVEN’T BEEN HERE, BEFORE, HERE IS MORE STUFF TO READ…

"People who have never seen a movie say it's a great movie"  Apu/The Simpsons

"There is no God, Ned.  It's just an empty meaningless void"  Maude Flanders' ghost/The Simpsons

I repeat myself, a lot, because I know humans are really bad at paying attention, and understanding much of anything they read.  Quite, bluntly, I consider most humans to be walking, talking idiots.  I'm doing as best I know how to save you from your stupidity.

I’m a bit OCD and ADHD and go on, and on, like a dripping tap.  Think Sheldon Cooper, if that rings some kind of bell.  I gather it’s some kind of need I have to be, constantly, in complete control of everything.  I quite simply assume everyone around me is a complete idiot.  The humans aren’t doing a very good job of convincing me otherwise.  You must prove yourself to me.  Seriously, I mean it.  I expect to be disappointed.   Show me what you’ve got and back it up with proof.

http://DavidSilvercloud.com (Blog)    (http://David_Silvercloud.Tumblr.com)

http://ButchNews.com (Video)     (http://YouTube.com/ButchNews)

http://ButchNaked.com (Photo Stream)    (http://Flickr.com/David_Silvercloud)

http://SeriousThunder.com (Art)

http://ElectronSpeed.Tumblr.com     The Electron sets the speed of light… yup.  Physics… The Speed of Light, Grand Unified Theory, Gravity, Dark Matter, Dark Energy… how the physical size of the Electron is the clock that sets the speed of light.  Gravity is motion and a product of the fact that nothing ever sits still, combined with the magnetic properties of Dark Matter/Energy.  Nothing can ever move in an absolute circle and rest is a relativity illusion.

The ENTIRE universe is based upon a simple fact... it must have TWO parts.  It can not be otherwise and is impossible to be otherwise.  This is because of what a physicist calls "spin".

If you had only one substance to make the universe with and it could be broken down to as small as it needed to be at any time... i.e. it could be so small it barely exists, at all, there will STILL be TWO different types... that is because one can choose to spin LEFT or RIGHT in space.  Even turning yourself upside down will not change that fact because there is no up, nor down, in space.

The fact that everything SOLID must have spin, either left or right, introduces opposite forces.  Things which spin the SAME way repel each other, those that spin the OPPOSITE way attract each other... clumping begins and so does a universe.  Another thing comes into being... what we term magnetism.  There MUST be opposite POLES... magnetism comes into being with spin.  Spin creates opposites, including North/South polarity.  In Atoms, any atom that isn't in balance... has an equal number of left and right spinning Electrons, will be affected by magnetism... and radio waves.

Absolute rest is not possible… ever.  The universe can not end.  Time is change and is an illusion.  It is always now, everywhere, all at once, all of the time. Proof of that is that ANY object MUST be HERE and THERE at the SAME time, no matter how large… even a Galaxy.  It is always NOW on both sides… here and there, in space,  of the Galaxy… all galaxies, everywhere.  Waves can be either physical or electronic.  The duality of the universe keeps it ongoing.  DNA is the battery of life.  When the chains can no longer co-operate, life ceases in the body.  Life, itself, is a duality.  Time measurement is a relativity convenience.)  Time travel is impossible because time is not a place and nothing stays where it was.  One year from now the Solar System will have moved about seven BILLION kilometres through space and will NEVER return to where it was… ever.

Earth travels through space like a long wave… it has NEVER, ever made an actual circle, nor ellipse, in space.  The circle/ellipse is an illusion of relativity.  Nothing can ever travel in an actual circle in space… NOTHING.  Nothing can ever go backward.  Backwards motion is an illusion of relativity.  Time is a repercussion of change and has no fixed rate… things explode or move like a glacier.  At best we can only compare rates of change.  Our rate of change is called the second/minute/hour/day/month/year system.

NOTHING CAN EVER MOVE IN A TRUE CIRCLE.  THE EARTH HAS NEVER MADE A LOOP IN SPACE… EVER.  YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW.

WATCH VIDEO FOR EXPLANATION OF THE PATH OF EARTH THROUGH SPACE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjohZCMwmI

Earth moves about 7 billion kilometers through space, each year… in a long wave.  Earth NEVER returns to where it was before.  Earth is NOT an island in space… one of the reasons why time travel is impossible.  If you take a trip through space, outside the Solar System, Earth will NOT be there when you return… it will be far, far away.  You will have to return to where it will BE when you arrive… remember, it’s moving very, very, very fast through space in a long wave… never a circle, or ellipse.

http://The-Shape-Of-God.Tumbler.com   Manuscript of my book… The Shape of God.

Butch, himself.  Visual Artist, Photographer, Physicist (Particle, Sub/Atomic Physics/Relativity)

Inhibitions are just so inhibiting, I avoid them.

I’m a friendly, but pretty blunt, kind of guy.  No time for beating around the bush.  I like to say what I mean and mean what I say.  I’m 73 years old.  Time is not on my side.  You don’t have to like me.  I’m a social recluse, anyway.  I share my life, in photos, video, and words, to let you into my life and hope to inspire you to be a productive and useful human.  I have old age issues but will continue to post, here, while I’m well and able.  I talk a lot… I’m told it’s part of my OCD and ADHD.  Come direct at http://ButchNaked.com  Sign in if you wish to see me naked.

If you don’t know me, the following might help you get to know what kind of person I am.  I don’t expect you to understand me.  I can be a bit OCD and ADHD.

“They’ve already got more blowjobs than we’ll ever get”  Steve Smith (American Dad), talking about college jocks.

“Now let us touch testicles and mate for life”  Alien on The Simpsons

“It never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun”  Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons.

I’m here to teach you things.  While I appreciate other people’s opinions, I really don’t much give a crap what anyone thinks.  Until you prove your worth, I will be nice but you have to earn my respect. The moment you say a word, I’ll be figuring you out really, really fast.  You should assume that I don’t trust anyone.  I’ve not met a single trustworthy person in my entire life.  I’ve met lots of nice people who aren’t too bright… well-intentioned folk who know little about anything, people who are nice, most of the time until you say something that offends them.  Honourable people agree to disagree.

Look up the phrase “CRITICAL THINKING” then learn to practice it.  Most people leap before they look and judge before they listen to the facts.  Most don’t have enough knowledge, nor experience, to be experts in much of anything.  You don’t know what you don’t know.  I like to remind you of that, often.

The only other REALLY IMPORTANT thing to know about me is that I, totally, despise all religions, the teaching of religion, and religious institutions… I despise them as the evilest things on the planet.  If you follow a religion, you CAN NOT BE MY FRIEND.   THAT’S THAT.  You are an ignorant idiot who is an ever-present danger to yourself and everyone and everything around you.  Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is eviler than religion.  I don’t stand for, nor sing, our National Anthem because it praises a fictitious and superstitious being called ‘God’.  Only a brain dead moron bonehead ignorant idiot would believe such a thing.

If you have a religion, I will not associate with you… period.  You are a danger to be around.  Yes, I insult religions… they are extraordinarily evil.  I said it, I mean it.  You have a right to be an idiot, but not around me.  I have a right to defend myself against the horrors of religion and I will.  Religion is evil.  People who are into religion are, either, brainwashed or extraordinarily ignorant, not very intelligent, a danger to themselves and everyone around them, and must be avoided.  I can’t say it enough times.  If you have a religion you are brainwashed or too fucking stupid to associate with.  Brainwashed, or stupid… either way you are too dangerous to be around.  Religion is the number one problem in the world.

http://The-Shape-Of-God.Tumblr.com

I keep a homepage at http://ButchBoard.com

My main video page is http://YouTube.com/ButchNews  

go direct at http://ButchNews.com

You may come directly to my photostream at http://ButchNaked.com You may download and share nude photos of me… go nuts.

I have zero inhibitions about nudity and sex.  You must sign in to see me naked.  I talk, openly, about sex.  You may download and share nude photos of me… go nuts.