#the daily meds I take now are nice like they’re for physical stuff and they have no side effects and JUST help T_T | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

euphoriacrossing · 5 years ago

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The closer we get the more my anxiety plays up...

What if I can't keep up with my journal that I worked so hard on?

What if I mess up something I can't change on my island? (I don't WANT to have to reset, but if it's the first day i will... i don't want to have to reset two or three days in because i change my mind about something...)

And the bigger ones.... I've been so tired I can barely stay awake two or three hours at a time. I can't do a whole lot of recreational things because I'm asleep. Right now I'm attributing it to depression, but I am going to ask my oncologist if maybe the meds could cause it (the meds I DID stop, but thay messed with my hormones anyway) or if the slight bit of anemia I have could cause it maybe? What if I am not awake enough to fully enjoy the game?

I go to the oral surgeon I think for a consultation to get some teeth pulled, what if he wants to do it anytime soon after the game is out? Will it mess with my enjoybility to have that kind of procedure? (Last time I had teeth out... my wisdom teeth I did very poorly, I got two dry sockets and was in some of the worst pain... I was LUCKY to be able to sleep as much as I did, because the pain was awful. And I followed instructions, so I don't know if I am more prone to those kinds of things or if it was the fact he didn't tell me to stop my birth control or what... but it was bad. And now I have a much higher tolerance to pain meds and will have to use the ones I'm ON so they'll be less effective probably. I'll die if I get a dry socket. Pain tolerance, mine is high until you get to my mouth and then I'm an absolute crybaby.) So say he wants to do it the Monday after... will I be out of commission to play for two weeks or more while I recover? I know this sounds more important, but to me the game is important, too. I want to be able to put in at least some work daily for quite a while so I can create a beautiful island at the same time others who start on the 20th are. So it may not seem like a huge deal, but it is to me okay? Enough of a huge deal for my anxiety to use it against me.

Those are just examples though. I have an anxiety disorder which in past years has become more generalized and entwined with my bipolar symptoms. So I am in no short supply of things related to the 20th to be anxious about.

I wish I could just be happy. And I mean, I am. We have less than a week and I'll be playing a game that is 7 years in the making for those of us that play Animal Crossing. I've been waiting with baited breath probably more than a year, to the point where when Pokemon Sw/Shld came out it was just a distraction instead of the main event, at that point I was already craving New Horizons desperately. And here we are nearly at the end of our waiting, I am happy, don't get me wrong.

But my mind never just let's me be happy.

What if I am too late to make friends in the first few days like I've planned? Everyone else seems to already have their friendships, but I knew I couldn't keep up with a friendship that long. So here is the week to make friends, and I don't feel I know how, or I feel like most people already have their friends. I have maybe two people besides my sister to play with. And I'm excited for that. But I'd love to be included in a larger group of friends or something, you know, that sort of thing is nice. If I only have a few close friends though, that'd be nice too. And i think the first few days it seems people might just be playing on their own, i don't always NEED someone to play with, I'll probably prefer to play alone, or maybe with my sister mostly, or just my close friend when I play. But it's just i guess i expected to use this opportunity to make more friends and now i feel i am wasting it. I don't often have such an "easy way" to make friends because I am disinterested in most things and just don't have a lot to talk about. This common interest is an amazing thing to talk about and should make things easier, but it doesn't as much as I hoped I guess.

What if I don't finish my journal? I worked so hard on it, but i need my dad's help with the label maker and need to finalize the decisions about what I'm going to record in it before I do make the labels. It can still be changed later because I am using labels on plastic tabs and a discbound journal but what if I don't have time once i'm playing?

Ugh. Just all the "what ifs". And I know some people will think "why'd she bother making this post?" Well random person, it does help to get them out in the open. Since most everything I have been thinking has been AC related lately, this has turned into a bit of a personal blog. Sorry for that. I do plan to make it a New Horizons blog and post as much original content as I can once ACNH is out.

Oh another one. What if posting original content is too hard?

Like, I want this blog to have original content and all that, but if you have to remove your memory card and get on a computer to do it, that's a lot of trouble and extra energy I don't have these days. And you had to do that for New Leaf and everyone did including myself, but I had more energy and it seemed easier. And it seems like it was less effort those days because people DID THINGS on the computer including myself. Now I use my phone and ipad as computers, you can do almost all the same things on them, and my laptop sits idle which might be the reason it doesn't run as well these days. Or it may just be that it's old as crap for a laptop. I mean, I guess it's moderately old for what it is, it's a very nice laptop, but I think it's the same one I had for New Leaf so it's been with me a while. Anyway, it SEEMED like less trouble because you were on the computer doing stuff anyway, so just pop your memory card in there and go while you're checking your stuff. It's not that easy on a phone, BUT I am hoping you can post photos and screenshots to SOMETHING through the Nooklink app. We don't know everything about the app yet as it isnt out yet, and I doubt you can post straight to tumblr (though that'd make things easy, huh?) because this is not the most used platform anymore, but if I can post them to anywhere (like facebook or twitter... I'd probably post them privately to facebook because I am less versed in twitter stuff, but then I did recently become an AC twitter on my personal twitter because I never used my personal twitter anyway, so... yeah...) I can grab them on my phone once they are uploaded and reupload them here. But I also plan to make my "diary like" text posts here. I am not recording a diary in my journal having to do with NH, I only want like... data and information I can use, etc. But that doesn't mean I won't want to write diary like entries, and I am less likely to lose my blog that a physical journal anyway it feels. (I say less likely... I lost my New Leaf blog for a few years there, but with effort I did recently find it.) So it could be very easy to post original content here, or if the app doesn't do things it really totally should, then it might be a bit more effort and I don't know if I have that to give right now, so I'm nervous about that. Everything I post here about my game experience is going to be more for me to look back on than anything, so I WANT to be able to post about that stuff here. But I guess we'll have to wait to see, along with waiting for the game.

And everyone knows how well waiting and anxiety get along. They are two peas in a pod, they play off each other like it's no one's business.

But I hope everything in the end will just be okay. I am "lucky" in a way. Since I'm chronically ill, disabled, and have cancer, I don't have work or school to worry about and while being sick is a big bummer, that does take a lot of stress off of me. I don't know how I would handle a job or school even just mentally these days, I don't see how it could go well and I guess that is because I am so sick, even just mentally... but I know a lot of disabled people DO still do those things anyway, sometimes because they HAVE to, so I am glad I am in a position at my age where I am still largely take care of. My disability money doesn't cover a fraction of my necessities, so I feel blessed everyday for my parents, even though my mom and I fight like cats and dogs. Annnndddd now I am getting to be anxious about what happens to me when my parents are gone and that's a WHOLE different type of anxiety... yikes... I need to stop letting my anxiety run rampant now I guess, it's gone too far.

But I am very "lucky" to be in a position where once the game comes out it can be my main focus for a while. Partially because i don't have the energy to focus on many different things, so it's good Animal Crossing can take up that main spot in my life for now.

Come on now, back to AC anxieties. Ya stupid general anxiety...

And I guess I am anxious about the typical things people are anxious about... what fruit will I get, will I like my first Islanders, etc. but to me those things arent as major. All the fruits are so pretty I could really get on with any of them I think, and hopefully my first villagers will be great, but I'll make myself a net if they're not, and I do have amiibo cards for moving in some of my favorite villagers later on, so I can deal with a dud or two.

I'm a little anxious about map layouts too, just picking the right one seems a little difficult to me since there are some things you cannot change. But I think I can make a good choice, I'm more worried if I'll be able to draw it in for my journal or not. I should draw the general layout for the map, but I don't even know if I can do that right.

Oh I also have a package to finish working on and get in the mail before Friday, BUT I finished the hardest parts (writing a bunch of postcards, basically a latter's worth of text but on postcards) last night, so I just have to do finishing touches and get it out. I maybe want to type another letter to send out, too, but if I don't get it done I'll try not to beat myself up. I got really burnt out on mail stuff lately and as much as I still get, which is about one or two things in the mail daily, I can't reply to all the things I should. I'm stressed about it, but I won't let that ruin my New Horizons time. Especially since mail was supposed to be a fun hobby for me and just... stopped. But that's a whole different thing, that has less to do with New Horizons than the other stuff.

Now I genuinely do feel less stressed since I rambled on for a while. Thanks for reading this, if you read any of it. I don't expect anyone to read all this anxiety inducing, depressing junk.

But anyway, now I am going to try and think about the Nooklink app and what kind of features I think it should have. Like I said, it really should have a way to post screenshots/pictures to social media, and I bet it's got something like that since we have the camera in game. I bet we maybe even can post pictures to social media from the switch. I mean, well, I know we can technically, but I mean I bet we can without having to leave the game. Because you can do that in New Leaf now. Gosh would that have been handy YEARS ago. I guess it came with the "welcome amiibo" update?

But at least we know we can scan in QR codes. I dunno if you've noticed but I have been collecting some and tagging them (you can find them under the "QR" tag on my blog, or by type of QR code, likes dresses I just tagged "dress") so I have them once we are able to use them in game. I am going to check my @playtimewithmadi blog to see if I have QR codes saved that I used in New Leaf, too, so I can reblog any good ones here. All of that gives me something to do, I suppose.

I could also work on my journal, or my mail. Both need to get done before Friday and need work.

But honestly, I am probably gonna play Happy Home Designer right now. I'll design at least one house, and then maybe I'll work on my mail and journal stuff. We'll see.

Anyway, thanks again for sticking with me, I love everyone who stays subbed to this blog even though the BS posts like this. Sorry for rambling on, but I needed this, so thank you for letting me have it.

Off to more distraction then...

#Animal Crossing anxiety #Animal Crossing #anxiety #mental illness #Animal Crossing New Horizons #personal #mine

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intheheartofthematter · 5 years ago

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TFBM "Lioness" (Source: Flickr/ exodus-travels)

Photo by Gramps, Nov ‘68, 4th birthday, Knott’s Berry Farm... Knott’s first every visit for little cars, farm animals, horse rides.

TFBM 2016 “Happy Birthday, Dad! I love and miss you! (I sang Happy Birthday, too) First birthday since...” ❤️

TFBM 2013 (Three months after my grandpa died, his dad) “Today is my Dad's birthday. I called him and he's really sick again, and sounds so depressed. He says he's getting old and he's so tired of being in pain and stuck in a wheelchair and in a nursing home. He doesn't want me to visit him today, but said maybe tomorrow. As usual, he let me go quickly, said he needed his pain shot and then said, I love you, through tears, almost sobs and hung up. It's so hard and I don't know what else I can do for him. I just needed to say something, think out loud.”

TFBM 2014 (Bill Eppridge—LIFE Picture Collection) “In late 1968, not long after famously capturing Robert Kennedy's assassination, Bill Eppridge spent two healing months among wild horses in the fabled landscape of the American West.”

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This share is not about the main lyrics...

Sent to me shortly before he died, ‘So you won’t forget me’ I never could. I will remember you throughout eternity! ❤️

A couple of my Grandpa’s late years ‘wild horses’ paintings *card size prints in an album

Tonight! Tuesday Tuck In

One tradition passed down from my grandparents & dad💕 My baby at Knott’s riding horses there like me when little. And, just like me, didn’t want to get off when time was up.

Currently watching...

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I’m hoping to find photos showing how different Knott’s was when I was little. I’d like to point out my favorite memories. The farm animals area had a mascot dog, Queenie, who was always a tail-wagging greeter. She was the first one I wanted to go see and hug and get face-licks from. Just like Lassie, they were brilliant in naming each same breed dog Queenie over the years, when one would pass. Later, Knott’s Scary Farm and Knott’s Merry Farm came into existence. T likes to go to the Halloween Haunt every year. I used to go all the time, too. Since my birthday is just two days after Halloween it’s usually celebrated in some Halloween combination. I remember when I went to Knott’s Scary Farm with my friends for my 16th birthday and I couldn’t wait to visit the farm. “Farm?” Yeah, it’s still here although not a main attraction now. I went home with a Red Satin bunny. I named her Pumpkin.

An oil painting by my grandpa. A couple of detail shots...

I couldn’t avoid the lighting on it in my room...

I have a small oil painting of cats, given to me when I was a little girl, and three of his pen etchings; a fox, a rabbit, and my favorite of a tree. I also have two paintings of flowers I asked for. All used to be up on the walls in my homes. T has a few of them in my stored belongings at their place, as well as my piano. I hope they don’t get damaged at any point. There’s a sad story about a lot of my grandfather’s work, and who has them, who avoided me after the funeral. My family out there say they will try to figure out a way to get them back, but I know they won’t, or can’t. This woman is wealthy and thinks she’s entitled. Anyway, it’s not important. My family who have paintings of his offered them to me, to take them down off of their walls (of course I couldn’t take them)... this woman avoided me at all costs, with several excuses, until I had to leave. I don’t know why they’re so important to her! Anyway, this painting was one that my dad loved. He had it hanging in his homes for years. When he became paralyzed, he pleaded with the doctors to let him go home again. Once he pushed through physical therapy and proved he was strong enough to do it, they released him. But, sadly, his roommate came home one day to a tipped over wheelchair, blood (and more) all over the walls and floor, and my dad missing. Thankfully, a neighbor heard him cry out and called an ambulance. We had no idea which hospital he was taken to. By the time I found him, walking into the ER room sectionals, the nurse across the way told the others, his DR says he’s DNR. I looked over and saw that it was my dad... too many details to tell it all, but I said, “No he’s not! Resuscitate him right now!” Who are you? - His daughter. What doctor said that? He’s fired. And I had her call my dad’s Internal Medicine doctor, who agreed to become his primary doctor. Too many details, but even after all that happened, they didn’t insert the tube correctly, and I pointed that out, because they were saying it was useless that he was going to die. So, they rushed him to x-ray and found out I was right, and corrected it. Everything was a nightmare. There’s so much more. He had a raging staph infection. His skin was discolored throughout his entire body, looking leopard-like. They said he wouldn’t recover from it... just like when they wanted me to pull the plug and he fully recovered. It goes on and on... too much to think about, really. But, that’s when the doctor did the dirty work for me and told him that he had to go back to a nursing home. Anyway, this painting, and some of my dad’s other belongings (when I moved him out of that house with his roommate), was kept in the warehouse where I worked. When I finally got my piano and the other stuff out of there only a few years ago, I planned to bring this painting to my dad and hang it in his room at the home. He was looking forward to it, but then his health took a turn, and he died before I could bring it to him. So, it’s been sitting in my room since... painting side against the wall, to protect it, braced by other things. If I could get my own place, I would hang them all again. I think at this point, we’re stuck here until spring, losing more money to rent, medical, meds and all in the meantime. I just hope that nothing changes by spring and we can still make this happen before I won’t be able to contribute anything or do for myself in that way. We’ll see 🙏🏻

Oh! I almost forgot! Look what I came across yesterday: baby...

I noticed my photos program created this video this August. It’s mostly of Aiden (T’s Make-A-Wish kitty) one of the last times when he was real sick, and I’m also trying to connect on Skype with T for him in the video, lol... It helped him a lot. We finally managed to get through to each other. They Skyped daily a few times... he was anticipating it in the one shot. It was awful how he died. Just like my dad. Neither should have gone through what they did. I can’t let that happen to Marozi. Everyone needs to brace themselves soon. Neither my aunt or T are ready to have him put down, and I talk about it all the time, but both keep saying he’s better in between... For what? Half a day? Anyway, dreading it, too. But I can’t experience more like that. I just can’t. It’s too much for me. I’ve seen and been through too much already. The flashbacks of both of them are hard. And, not just of them... of the children I watched die in the hospital, of all of the medical stuff I saw with my kid, my dad, Alex, others and my beloved animals, too. I just can’t. But, here’s the video... strange... the music doesn’t fit either. And, although Aiden looks awful in these photos, it’s not so bad that I wince and cringe and feel that deep emotional pain. Just sharing to get it out, I guess:

vimeo

Currently watching, The Last Airbender, on our new 55″ TV. Not bad. Theater sound. Our old TV went out two days ago. Waiting to hear if T & Alexandria are coming over for AHS. I have the house to myself for a few hours. Relaxing now... Trying to get my symptoms to calm down. Hours late on meds. Still can’t go without them. I guess I need Prednisone this time. I don’t think life will ever be easy for me. Ever. Nothing new. I have to accept that, and have, and will. (Wed. 1:45pm)

(Art by willow-s-linda) - 9/26/19 2:18-2:42pm

Oh! You want to know what’s happening...

Well, T & Alexandria came over last night, but didn’t stay as late as usual. In part because my brother had to drive them home and needed to get up early today because he went to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. It must be nice to receive disability and health insurance and spend most of your time watching TV or playing video games or constantly going to amusement parks... Bitter, who me? And, I wasn’t feeling well, with my head foggy, so I didn’t feel like talking about any plans or progress on their part and they didn’t bring it up either. But, today, feeling worse I wrote to T. No response yet, but classes and work, etc. I’ll just paste screenshots. I left one little part out that is a little too personal to disclose publicly. Even if no response really, just knowing someone cares and listens is comforting (and I might delete a few later, but leave one that gives the gist for reference remembrance). I have to fwd them to be able to add here. I need a few. OK, here we go:

Maybe I said too much and it will just be skimmed again. But, I text, sent a detailed email before, and talk in person when I see them when I can and it doesn’t seem like I’m getting through to them. T tends to go into denial about the seriousness of a lot of things. I think it’s a coping mechanism. Like with Aiden and Marozi. Anyway, I noticed a few typos, too. Whatever. And, I typed loops instead of hoops (make you go through), but it feels more like loops, so it’s fitting, lol. I’m propped up in the living room chair with my support cushions and pillows, since my brother’s not here to take over the chair, and just made myself Double Spice Chai in my Stitch mug, and hope to find a movie to distract myself with for the time being. Hope your day is going smoothly! :)

Currently watching. Nothing else on... Previously known in person, but I’ll take it as a refresher on these types.

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TFBM (Source: thinned-skin via -thefixisin)

New listing townhouse. I went ahead and sent the link, saying that if we could get a different lender and a little more offered (not much more) this would be ideal. Coupled with my subtle joke, the funny part was in the real estate wording, trying to make it sound like an automatic chair was a big selling point: “What a deal!’’ (I don’t think they thought it was funny.)

Hard to see, but the stair chair is to the right, top of stairs.

TFBM

Peppermint tea and lights off, darkening blinds closed, diffusing a mix of Frankincense, Eucalyptus and Rosemary for the first hour. Next, I’ll add Peppermint and Lavender. The baby wants in with me so bad. He keeps rattling the doorknob and meowing in such a sorrowful way. He leaves and then comes back. It’s mid-afternoon. He can cat nap on the cat tree.

Putin will try a few scare tactics, through his cronies, but will let it go, not really caring. He has other tactics to gain his end, but I don’t think he realizes just how outdated most are, lol. It’s kind of funny to watch. But, on the serious side, it’s scary.

Frankincense, Eucalyptus, Rosemary, Peppermint and Lavender is an odd combination. I’m mostly smelling the Frankincense and Eucalyptus now. The others must have brought out those two to the forefront. Frankincense helps boost the immune system and reduces inflammation. Eucalyptus stimulates the immune system, relaxes sore muscles, helps with depression and fatigue, sinus and allergies, and mental exhaustion; per science.

Chewbacca (Source: aleriydraws)

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Just a gist :)

#FBF This goes with the Knott’s stuff (Camp Snoopy)

WAIT! Something’s happening behind the scenes, like... I hear whispers and see many faces and finger pointing... what is it? WHAT IS IT? This pinned tweet is a distraction, a place holder, something people will stay with mentally, his signal to the alt right? I can’t tell. It’s a signal but for what? To who? Something’s going on. I hope it’s not something devastating. Stay vigilant whoever you are. I need to tune in, focus to see. WTH Trump? (Fri 9/27 8:45 pm)

ahem

I’m using this song to help focus...

Yes, I can. You underestimate me. Give it to me. IT, explosion, something missing. OK, blocking with energy.

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I Am Lion

+ Still no response from T even after I wrote again today... I gave them a percentage of the original lender offer to deposit into their savings account to show we had at least that much for a down payment. Since it’s taking so long and doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen I’ve repeatedly told them both I need that money back to either use to afford moving/living expenses on my own, or medical if I’m without insurance much longer (part of the reason to move out of state), or to redeposit into the account it came from before the end of the year, if we move but not until spring, so I don’t get penalized for taking out too much this year without investment or proof of other mentioned.

Lemongrass tx alone right now, might add a few others.

Cliff Burton has a few things to say in my last personal post. I’ll be adding them soon… lending his energy. Thanks for reminding me Faith No More. And, get well, James… I’ll be with you soon in energy. too. You’ve been through enough. And you’ve remained one of the nicest guys I know. Remember. (Yeah, I sound crazy. Who cares. I know what I’m doing.) Here’s this for now, live footage, from “Ride The Lightning” =

For Whom the Bell Tolls (9/28 4:24)

(5:23) Are you listening to the bass too?

Orion

The Call of Ktulu

The Four Horsemen

And, what do you know... I got a response, finally. It looks like I possibly can get insurance through them. Will be checking out the link sent to me soon. Fingers crossed.

Lemongrass tx, now with Teatree, Lavender & Cedarwood too.

OK, I’ll admit it, I’m slow because I haven’t been feeling well. We got part of it figured out... I used a “green” light, “green” in the Metallica song... money is “green”... Trump is suddenly receiving a lot of money, so they say... a golf course is “green”. IT, Intelligence Test, [What is an IT raid? IDK] (IT, Institute of Technology; IT, In Training...) Thank God for energy in the meantime... still need more.

Ohhh!!! IT, Income Tax [raid]. “Green” is money, and sudden donations, tax evasion… Trump! OK, we’ve gotten a little farther… oh, this is good. OK, golf resorts are “green”, too. Whispering on the “green”. Those who can do are you listening? Do the math… you’ve got this! There’s more. I’ll keep on, too.

I keep getting Moscow. Not Russia. Not Putin. Moscow. I don’t understand.

Even though T gave me info, and said they could give me the money back, nothing more was said. I told T to hang onto it for now and explained no rush, but by mid December at latest to redeposit if we don’t move before spring or if I need it sooner for medical expenses. Asked what they’re thinking at this point and an important question to be able to get the insurance too. I think they’re upset with me. But, come on... I’ve been more than fair and patient until now, when I have pressing matters. It’s sad and sucks. Everything.

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meggtheegg · 6 years ago

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not sure if you've already done this, but Evan rankings?

YES I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS OKAY

EDIT - I put them into chronological order because I feel iffy about listing them from “best�� to “worst” because they’re all wonderful

Ben Platt - Ben is the original. He won a Tony, and he deserved it. His portrayal is what most people think of when they hear “Evan Hansen.” He keeps Evan really specific but also very broad and open to interpretation. He’s a very relatable Evan that everyone can see themselves in, at least a little. He’s intensely emotional, his voice is stellar, and he’s just overall amazing. There’s not much I can say that hasn’t been said yet. The only reason I put the other two above him are 1. I saw them both live and have not seen Ben Platt on anything but a bootleg, 2. I do kinda have to suspend my disbelief about him being a teenager, and 3. I can’t unsee Elder Cunningham. So yeah, my own issues, not Ben’s. He’s awesome. I love him.

Michael Lee Brown - Hands down, my favorite Evan. By far. MLB is brilliant and had he been the original Evan instead of Ben Platt, I am convinced he would have gotten the Tony. His Evan is real and raw and so so emotional. His scene before You Will Be Found is the most uncomfortable thing in the world to witness, and you know he wants it that way. He stays on the floor for so long, having a panic attack so intense that his face goes red and you can see the veins in his neck and whenever you think he’s been going for long enough that he must be about to regroup, he just keeps going. He has consistent tics and fidgets that don’t feel planned or faked. He doesn’t try to justify Evan doing bad things. When he yells at Heidi or dismisses Jared, you get mad at him. But when it all comes down to it, you love him and feel empathy for him because he is so human. He makes dumb mistakes but he’s not defined by those mistakes. And he looks the part better than any of the others, in my opinion. In terms of character, I feel like actors tend to either interpret him as either having social anxiety or autism. Both are super valid and both make sense, but (probably due to personal experience) I usually tend to prefer the latter. My younger brother is Evan’s age, and he’s on the spectrum. He’s not usually crazy about theatre, but he was captivated when we took him to Dear Evan Hansen. He said it felt like he was watching himself onstage, and I don’t know if that’s Michael Lee Brown’s intention, but it sure as hell seems to be, and it sure looks like he did his research.

Colton Ryan - Colton was my second Evan, and honestly I think he is so underrated. The bootleg that’s out there does not capture what a fantastic Evan he is. He falls on the other side interpretation-wise, unquestioningly portraying anxiety, and boy does he do it well. Maybe it’s just because he’s very “conventionally attractive” or whatever, but his Evan seems like the kind of guy who could be one of the most popular kids in school if he wasn’t so afraid to talk to people. His Evan is witty and not exactly sure of himself, but he knows who he is and what he could be. He sees his own potential, if that makes sense. “Waving Through A Window” is a little less “I’m invisible and there’s nothing I can do about it” and a little more “I know what I have to do to get noticed, but the idea of that terrifies me.” His physicality is unbelievable and it makes his “Words Fail” in particular extremely powerful. In the beginning of the show, he is hunched over, looking at the floor, trying to make himself as small as physically possible without looking awkward. As the show goes on and he gets more and more confident, you can see him slowly start to stand up straighter and look people in the eye and become more and more confident, but it happens so gradually that you don’t even really notice it’s happening until a moment in “Words Fail,” where he shrivels right back down as everything collapses around him. It’s remarkable. He’s fantastic. Also, his Evan fixes some kind of problematic elements. Because of the way he plays him, his medication feels less like it was prescribed to be taken daily and more of a “take only as needed” thing. So, when his confidence grows and he stops taking it, it feels a little more like the “success” that Heidi sees it as. It’s such a little thing, but it always bugged me that a nurse would be proud of her son going off his meds.

Noah Galvin - Noah is a wonderful comedic actor. I love him in The Real O’Neals, and I feel like if he’d been cast as Jared, he’d be very high on that list, because he’s got a real skill for finding glimmers of depth in the comic relief. But for me, personally, his Evan leaned a little too hard on comedy and that made his emotional moments a little less impactful. His singing voice is stellar and his chemistry with the rest of the cast was undeniable. I’m always happy to see him pop up in their Instagram stories. But, casting a comedic actor in an extremely serious, emotional role that’s way out of their comfort zone, though an interesting idea, is a real risk. A good friend of mine saw him and loved him, though, so again, this is very much my issue. I think I have a vision of what Evan should be, and that vision is pretty much just MLB’s portrayal, and Noah’s is the most different from his. So, yeah

Taylor Trensch - Now, quick disclaimer, I saw Taylor during Mike Faist’s final performance, so my focus wasn’t quite on him and he’s so sweet that he may very well have toned his own stuff down a little to highlight Mike, but his Evan, for me, was a little hit-and-miss. He tries a lot of new things that nobody else brings to the table and I definitely applaud him for that. It didn’t work for me, personally, but that doesn’t mean he’s not good. His Evan is less obviously anxious. He has more of a confidence issue than full-blown social anxiety, and he’s very, very friendly, even in scenes where most actors kind of have him acting like a dick. He’s obviously unaware of when he’s hurting Jared’s feelings, not actively trying to exclude him, but almost buying into the idea that Jared doesn’t like him and giving him permission to leave him alone. And when arguing with Heidi, he sees himself as a victim of her anger who doesn’t have a need to really defend himself because he doesn’t seem to see why any of it would upset her. Where other Evans are hyper-aware of how their actions affect the people around them, Taylor’s is kind of blissfully unaware of the mess he’s gotten himself into until “Good For You.” It’s an interesting take, for sure, and I can see why people really love him. Also, his scene with Heidi before “So Big, So Small” is the best out of all of them. He’s so overwhelmed and afraid to admit everything to his mom and he’s crying so hard that he can barely get the words out and it was incredible.

Ben Levi Ross -I’ve only been able to catch snippets of Ben, but so far, I enjoy his Evan. He’s going to be amazing on tour, and I’m so glad he has that opportunity. Even after only going on a few times, he’s already so good and I look forward to seeing his Evan evolve over time. As I said with his Connor, oh my lord his voice is just…so nice.

Stephen Christopher Anthony - I’ve literally only heard his WTAW but I am already in love. He’s so good.

#Anonymous

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ghost-ofstarman · 7 years ago

Text

pikmin 3 - rerouted [chapter 5, part 1]

GALACTIC DATE: 20XX Entry 5 Launch day

My stomach's twisted into knots. I feel like I have to puke when I know I shouldn't because it'd be a waste of our food...I don't understand why president Lima only wanted four of us to go? By the lack of responses of the distress call for a new medic, there might be only three of us going. I'm definitely going to try to run for office when I get back, this whole "tradition" thing of having only a few people fly out into space is getting way out of hand if it's making us physically sick and hindering our progress as a species. I already know all the stuff I'm going to do as president....president Alph. Has a nice ring to it!

In any case, our launch is very soon. I'm currently writing this while captain's attempting to fly the ship and Zeta is checking out the stasis pods during the test, we sort of know what we're doing? I just wish grandpa was here to help, this is all happening so fast and even though he didn't like to get involved with things such as this he'd be a great aid. At the moment, I know more about the ship than the captain does and it's very worrying so I've set up the Drake to wake all of us at once should something happen instead of having just captain wake up. Our communications are up and running so he's updating me every now and then on how he's doing, Brittany's just hanging out next to me reading her comics and drawing to ease the stress of the mission. She's pretty good at it, I think I'd like to make a request sometime or we could trade a drawing for a poem? OH! My parents called earlier. They had literally not a single clue I was going on this mission and thought it was a joke at first when they heard my voice on TV. They also kept mixing up my name every now and then. "Juliett- er, Oscar! Wait. No. ALPH! That's it!" I was hoping for them to be happier for me but they mostly just were busy. They'll be watching the launch on TV which would mean something if everyone else on the planet wasn't also watching it, I wish they'd put a bit more effort into me even if I am the fourteenth youngest out of them all...I tried to call Juliett but she didn't pick up or something. I'm starting to understand how my grandpa feels about non-engineers, they don't really seem to understand the importance of this. Maybe they don't even think I'll succeed? I love Juliett to death and although I don't know my parents very well I care for them too so it pains me to say I think I'm going to be alone today at launch. Everyone else's family is coming but mine. No, I'm going to keep my head up high and refuse to give into the negativity! Everyone else is too sad for me to handle and it's starting to get to me, I think. I understand we're basically living in the end of times and Koppaites as a whole aren't the most hopeful race of people but if I can do it, everyone else can too!

GALACTIC DATE: 20XX Entry 5- continued Launch day

Captain Charlie just got back with Zeta and said everything's fine, he didn't explode the ship and Zeta didn't suffocate in the pods so we're in the clear for now. The families should be arriving soon, I've asked the crew who'll be arriving. Captain said nothing but Brittany said her siblings and parents should be visiting along with her aunt Bea. Even Delton's parents are coming to greet us and give their condolences for the loss of his role on the mission. He apparently has a twin sister that'll be arriving too, how cool is that? Koppaites only give birth to one baby at a time but have insides of steel and can have around 10 kids before medical problems surface. I think his mom is the Dunesian of his two parents who tend to have "litters" but can't have more after that, or is that Hocotatians? I should ask Charlie. Er-- captain, I think it's disrespectful to call him by name. Apologies for getting distracted again but I'm going to have to leave this off for now, we're going to meet up with our families and Delton!

Alph closed down his projector strip and leaned back in his chair. He was certainly excited but he felt he was going to have a heart attack any second if his little bird heart in its ribs-shaped cage kept on flapping any longer. His hands had been trembling nonstop the entire time he'd been typing and had to rewrite his passage several times in an effort to get the spelling correct. He probably missed something but alas, Brittany and Charlie were standing right behind him having entered to tell him about Delton's request to see them again. "Alph, come on. I'm nervous too but we need to go say hi to Delton before we start getting ready for the launch. I've already tested all of our rations and ordered the juice from somewhere else, none of them are tainted like the base's food is. Oh, my beautiful plants..," mourned Brittany. "Yes, Alph. Time's of the element, your family might have arrived and I know Delton's is already here," Charlie insisted, already beginning his trip out back to the hallway to lead them to Delton's resting place. "Coming, coming," Alph replied as he hoisted himself out of the desk chair he'd been previously glued to by nervousness alone. He balled his fists to relieve the stress pent up inside of him and marched through the long, winding hallways leading to the med bay floor. No-one said a word the entire time. It was becoming a common theme for them to proceed with their daily activities in utter silence, Alph wasn't fond of this as he felt it caused a huge disconnect between the crew members.

To break the silence on the way there, he asked, "hey, captain. How come your family's not coming? Are you just so famous they expect the best from you so you already know they're proud?" Alph knew it was an awful idea once Charlie gritted his teeth and lowered his ears. "Son, you better not ask any more stupid questions if you know what's best for you. You've been coming up with a lot of those since we've met and I'm starting to get irritated," he retorted in an icy tone Alph had only heard when Delton was having his meltdown. His blood ran glacier-cold and he hung his head in an attempt to appear more submissive. Brittany coughed awkwardly and slowed her pace to follow from behind the two so she wouldn't have to get involved in the less-than-pleasant exchange. "I'm...sorry, captain. I hope you know I'll always be proud of you even if they aren't," he attempted to recover. This also didn't work as he could almost see the red in his superior's eyes. Charlie ceased all movement and drew in a deep breath. "I don't know who you think I am. Whatever you saw on TV, whatever Drake told you about what little he knew about me, it's not enough to know my life story. Take everything you assume about me and shove it or I'm going to get mad, I'm going to hurt you and either you or I aren't going on the mission. You don't want that, do you?" Alph's shakiness got worse. "I'm...I..," words wouldn't form from his mouth, he was too shocked by the sudden shift of tone to even process what was happening. He'd learned another thing about Charlie that day: never, ever ask him about his family. Don't ask who "R" was, don't compliment him, don't touch him, don't do anything even mildly personal with him. His captain was right on one thing, he really wasn't the man Alph had admired for so long. His frantic thoughts darted back to mentally highlight the last part of Charlie's sentence. Hurt him? How? His eyes gravitated towards Charlie's clenched fist and the stare he was giving Alph directly into his face. Didn't take too long for him to realize what he'd do if he didn't shut his mouth real soon. Brittany's face went pale and she ran around them to head up to Delton's room, the entrance to which was still a ways up ahead. "You're going to shut the hell up, you're going to keep walking and you're never going to ask me about my friends, my family or my life before you met me for as long as you live or I'm going to make you regret it. I don't like being angry; haven't gotten mad in a very long time and I'd prefer to keep it that way. I just wanted to be a calm and collected mentor for you that you could rely on but if you keep pushing me like this, you're never going to see me again. Captain's orders." Everything was flooding back to the small engineer, the way Charlie was inching towards him in the same menacing manner Drake had that morning in the shed. The tone of voice, the overwhelming apologetic feeling washing over Alph's entire body like when Delton was screaming about being forgotten by his coworkers and the rest of his planet as well. It had to be connected, something happened in the war to fry their brains and none of them could talk about it for some reason. Alph was going to get to the bottom of this somehow but until then, he had to follow orders and act like he wasn't suspicious. He loved Drake with all of his soul and desperately wanted to save his captain and medic from whatever grief they'd been put through and would stop at nothing to accomplish this task. If they got out of this fruit-hunting mission alive, that is...

"Yes, captain!" He reached out for Charlie's arm in an effort to hug him as an apology, completely forgetting about one of his many rules from earlier. Yet another mistake on his behalf, as the taller man shoved him away and spat, "And you're not allowed to touch me." "..." "Say it again. Show me you mean it." Alph was a very nervous individual but this was something else entirely. It was obvious he'd been getting on Charlie's frayed nerves the entirety of the time they'd spent together and he was more sorry than he'd ever remembered feeling in his life. "Yes, captain. I-" "Good. Now shut your mouth or I'll staple it closed for you." Charlie released another torrent of negative air from his lungs, withdrew the tension in his muscles and shot Alph one last look before they continued their trip. He traced his finger around his neck without saying a word to make sure the engineer understood how dissatisfied he was with him for disobeying orders. They didn't look at each other the entire trip up to their destination after that.

"DELTON! Talk to me, you have to be okay!!" Micah shrieked in a concerned, mousy voice. "Mom...shut up, I already talked to you several times. I'll be fine, it's not a lethal poison to someone as big as me," Delton moaned, enticing a laugh from the surrounding people in the room with him. He still couldn't get out of bed for the life of him, the medicine he was taking kept making him too drowsy to do much. "Micah, for the love of the stars above- you have to calm down, woman! Look! He's fine, he ain't a doctor for no reason, this boy's got an immune system of steel!" Silon gestured, pinching the cheeks of his unamused son. Micah also went in for more physical contact with the sickened individual and started babbling something incoherently, something about wanting to protect him and threatening the poisons in him with a knife or her fists.

"Charlie! Save me, just throw me out the window or something! GAH!" he shrieked, pretending to throw his hands up in agony as his father kept prodding his face. Delton's sister, Ruby, didn't seem to say a word the whole time she'd been present but she did laugh at the display of her brother suffering at the hands of their rather immature parents. She knew he wanted his space and just stood in the corner to watch the comedic display from afar. Alph turned his view towards the seemingly all comedic family to investigate Brittany with her family out in the hallway. Some siblings seemed to have arrived along with her parents but she mostly was talking to who Alph assumed was her aunt Bea, who dressed like a walking grape and was clutching onto a strange paper bag.

"See? I knew you could do it, you're the best potted-plant-person the planet could ever ask for. I'm so proud of you!!" The parents' heads nodded in quiet approval from several feet away the two conversing women, it seemed to Alph that they didn't really think she'd be able to go on the mission. 'I'm glad she got to prove those naysayers wrong', he mentally admired. Her siblings seemed relatively uninterested and were just checking their phones in various locations of the hall. Alph's family still hadn't called or turned up to his dismay. He let out an audible groan and slid down in his chair. 'Someone, please come for me...I've worked my whole life for this! Is this how Captain feels? I feel bad that his family didn't bother to show up either,' he reflected woefully, surrounded by the kind words of his crew members' families. As if on cue, Charlie's ears perked up and he looked over to the very somber looking engineer steadily falling out of his chair from his spot next to Delton's family. 'Oh no, please, captain I don't need to be sadder right now, please don't be mad at me..!' Charlie had been interacting with them warmly the whole time, why did he suddenly want to check up on Alph? "Hey, kid. Family was a no-show?" he pondered, getting up to plant himself in the seat next to where Alph lay. What? Wasn't he just about to strangle him until his eyes popped out? "Yeah...they called me earlier but I guess everyone got busy," muttered Alph as he buried his face in the hood of his uniform jacket to brood in his own negativity. Charlie didn't respond for a bit but patted his shoulder and consoled, "I'm here for you, pal. Sorry about earlier, I just...don't really have any family if you can understand that. It's always been a sensitive topic, let's just leave it at that." Alph wiped his nose on the fabric of his jacket and looked up at the captain. Well, he guessed that'd make sense, if his family was dead, missing or had abandoned him it would definitely be painful to bring up to someone he'd just met a few days ago. From what he'd heard about Charlie, he had a hard life and never spoke a word of it to anyone as not to burden them with his negative experiences. After the 'yes, captain' incident from earlier, there was no way on Koppai he'd ask about his life again anytime soon. He'd have to find out some other way, for now he'd focus on his current standing with the captain. "No, I understand. I'm sorry for assuming things, sir," Alph's muffled voice squeaked, barely audible now that he was half-smothered in his clothes. Charlie's eyes were filled with a different kind of sadness than what Alph was used to; not that vacant, glassy look but a concerned and incredibly regretful expression. "It's okay. Just forget earlier happened if it's possible for someone like you to do. I'll hang out with you until we have to go get ready," apologized Charlie. 'So volatile, all of them..,' thought Alph. Drake, Delton and Charlie could all explode at a moment's notice only to beg for forgiveness anywhere from days to minutes later. So very odd. Still, the engineer was grateful Charlie wasn't still wanting to rip him limb from limb and loved his presence all the same. He nuzzled into his captain's chest despite warnings from before, felt a bit of a flinch from his recipient's end only to relax seconds later. Charlie still wasn't quite accustomed to being touched by anyone other than Delton but as to not cause a scene in front of the bantering families in both angles of his vision, he let it happen. It wasn't that bad, anyway. Kind of reminded him of her.

Alph was jolted awake by Charlie's much larger hand. He'd fallen asleep? How long had Charlie dealt with him resting his chubby self on his arm? Alph prayed to the stars that no-one else saw, he was quite embarrassed. "Hey, son. Guess who showed up at the last second?" pointed out Charlie, very muddled and blurry by Alph's newly awakened vision. Groggily, Alph swiveled his head to see whatever the captain was gesturing to. His eyes widened and ears pricked up as soon as he could make out the faint outline of his sister, Juliett. "Alphie! Wake up, it's me! I saw you sleeping on captain Charlie and thought you two were just too adorable to disturb," she giggled sweetly. Alph sprung up as soon as he heard her familiar voice and stood straight up at light speed, face bright red.

"Juliett!! You didn't answer your phone, I thought for sure you'd leave me hanging!" he exclaimed, going in for a hug. "I didn't answer my phone because I was already in the car headed out here and was already in a group call. We got the address from president Lima of all people!" So the president had invited the families over...how kind of her to do, Alph thought for sure he'd be lonely the entire time. He guessed with the mission being taken care of by the planners, dialing the families was the least she could do for now. She was a generally nice person so it didn't come as a shock. He looked over his shoulder to captain Charlie in the middle of his hug. He gave him a thumbs up to indicate his second-hand happiness for the engineer but still looked sad he was the only person there without any family arriving to greet him. With the hug broken, Juliett added, "say hi to everyone!" Alph stared at her in a confused manner until his eyes were guided down to the phone she held in her hand, pulled from her pocket as she spoke. Fifteen panels were smashed onto the moderately small screen; he leaned in to take a closer look and nearly jumped out of his skin when he noticed what they exactly were. All of his family members were simultaneously greeting, waving and pulling faces at him. All thirteen of his brothers along with his parents seemed to be in different locations but managed to take the time to say hello. Alph felt joyful tears prick up at the corners of his eyes but he wiped them away as to not look like more of an emotional wreck. He'd admittedly felt very lonely as of late with Drake gone, he had lived on his own since he turned 18 with the money his parents granted him and forgot how nice it was when he still roomed with his siblings. "NERD! I saw you cuddling with captain Charlie, I never thought you of all people would've been able to meet him. I'm jealous, I was supposed to be the famous one!" his eldest brother Romeo jokingly mocked. Romeo was indeed a very social, popular man so Alph was very surprised he'd been the first to meet someone of Charlie's standing out of all of his siblings (namely himself). "GAAAAAAAAAAY! THAT'S GAY, WE SAW THAT!!" chanted two of his more close siblings, Kilo and Mike. They tended to pick on him about small things like that but never meant it, Alph knew they meant well and were just giving him a hard time to give him a laugh, they could always tell when he was feeling like garbage from a mile away. Sure, calling their younger sibling “gay” over and over wasn’t the best way to comfort them but it definitely worked. "I'm so glad you guys could come!! How'd you manage to get everyone here?" he exclaimed, grabbing the phone from Juliett's outstretched hand to get a better look at his family. "It wasn't easy but once I sent everyone a message that I got a notification from the president herself, we decided on a time to get everyone together. Mom and dad got time off work when they told their boss!" explained Juliett, their parents waving and blowing kisses on cue. "Alph, I know we haven't heard much from you but we're very proud of you. You're just as talented as your grandfather with the added bonus of being much more social. I for one can say I'm more than happy to be the father of an astronaut." His father, Victor, gave him a thumbs up and allowed for his wife to speak. "Yes, Alph, I agree! I knew all of you would have very unique jobs and goals but I never thought I'd get to see one of you manage to take part in a mission like this. I hope and pray to the stars above that you're safe and your ship will take you where you need to go and safely back. I was saddened that you were spending more time with Drake than you were with us but when you manage to pull this off, we'll do something nice together. All seventeen of us," Sierra, Alph's mother, promised. Alph couldn't hold back his happy tears and let loose in front of his family. "I...I don't know what to say. I sincerely thought none of you were going to care, I'm so flattered. I'm going to make you all proud, I just know it! Thank you so much, with the food and money I can bring back I'll treat you all to something nice we can do together. I'm going to make it back in one piece and we're all going to be happy, just you wait." He handed the phone back to Juliett and wiped his damp face with an already soggy sleeve. He heard a giggle from one of his brothers, likely Kilo who just had to add, ”You big crybaby. Don’t cry in front of your BOYFRIEND or on live TV or anything, otherwise the world will see how big a pansy you are!” He stifled a laugh as the others in the room didn’t quite understand it wasn’t meant to be rude and shot him a look of concern for his safety around his family. "Alright, the launch is gonna happen in a little bit so I'm gonna hang up and you guys can watch it on your TV's. It's going to be playing everywhere from what I've heard but I'm going to get to watch it since I'm here. Alph's got to get ready so say bye and wish him luck!" she announced, finger hovering over the end call button. A chorus of goodbye's and wish-you-well's of all pitches and varieties was heard from the speaker of the small white rectangle and Alph gave one final wave. Juliett tapped the button, slid the phone into her back pocket and put her hand on her little sibling's shoulder. "You can do this, Alphie. I know you're nervous and weren't the first pick but I honestly believe with all my being that you're capable of this. Go get 'em, li'l one," motivated Juliett to her presently overly emotional little sibling. Her shoulder pat transitioned to one final hug; she didn't want to let go for as long as she lived in case anything did wind up happening to them. Alph for one wanted to melt into his comforting sibling's hug and be safe from any part of the mission going awry but he knew he had a journey to go on whether he was truly ready or not. She backed away from him and wiped excited tears from her own eyes. "Well, I guess this is it, Julie," he began, "I've got captain Charlie to back us up if anything bad happens, you know how great he is. Don't worry for me because I'll take care of everything. Any time you ever think you're getting nervous about my wellbeing, just get Crumpet and let him cuddle with you and rub against your face. He's used to me being a scared mess, he'll know what to do if you're getting worried too. I love all of you and won't let you down." Juliett, without a word, nodded slowly and clasped her hands back together like she typically did when greeting him or saying goodbye. Alph had then noticed everyone else was watching them, even Brittany's family from the hallway. They'd all put down their phones and had gotten very emotional themselves upon realizing this really could be the end. Hugs were exchanged, goodbyes were sputtered, her parents apologized for not believing in her before. Aunt Bea had finally handed over the bag, whispering that there were pastries for her and to share with her friends if she could muster the willpower, hugging her for an awfully long time after the final sentence of her dialogue. Delton's mother Micah was blubbering her own apologies for his inability to go along on the mission as her husband was rubbing her tense shoulders and comforting her inaudibly. Ruby now sat at the foot of the bed holding Delton's pale hand without a word, watching their parents spew their muddled words to one another. Alph closed his eyes and relaxed his stiff muscles, it really was time soon. He'd wanted to ask Juliett if they could take a nap together with him in her arms to feel that sibling comfort he'd been missing for years but he knew it was time to go. His lonely heart had at least been mended by the appearance of his family all rooting for his success, he had that to carry him through the mission if nothing else seemed to work. Charlie sauntered over to Delton past Micah and Ruby to give him one last farewell before the mission. "Charles, I swear to the stars above...if you get hurt, GET HELP. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Please just do it for me even if you don't think it's that serious. If you die, I swear I'll kill you," Delton remarked, half teasing but mostly heartfelt and sincere in the meaning of his comment. "I'm gonna study necromancy, raise you from the dead and then bash you to death with a copy of my college health textbook. I swear. I’m not even kidding, dude." "Fine, fine, I'll do it for you. That new kid's gonna make me pay attention to my health anyway; he's a bit clingy, that one," Charlie swore as he put an arm around his companion of many years to date. Everyone else went quiet as they saw the two embracing while Alph locked his fingers together in admiration. His captain was a genuinely nice guy, he just had to learn to soften him up to contact with other people besides Delton somehow along with finding out why he's so grumpy about everything. For now he'd just let Charlie say his goodbyes and let out all his feelings to his best friend.

Charlie popped on the metal helmet base of Alph's space suit, meticulously attaching it to the very top opening of the collar. "How does it feel finally getting into one of these?" he pondered as he fastened the latches to ensure the air tank hoses wouldn't unintentionally be tampered with as Alph walked on the alien planet. Alph's hands- both this time- shot up to his cheeks and he stuttered, "Good! Very good, I can't believe I'm really becoming an astronaut after all this time. I always thought grandpa was going to be the one on this mission...it's so strange actually getting to live my dream so early." Charlie smirked as he finished helping the younger engineer with his suit. He walked to Brittany to aid her with hers; no-one had yet heard from the president or any of the planners on the status of their medic situation. Delton was still in too much abominal pain and too hopped up on medicine to even consider joining the mission so he was very much out of the question. "NO! Get those mitts away from me, I've got this. Watch!" Brittany spat in protest, attempting to fasten her neck plate solely by herself. She kept making odd sounds of wasted effort as she grabbed and pulled at everything she possibly could without any knowledge of how to actually put on a spacesuit. "You sure are cute when you're grumpy, Brittany," Alph teased with a finger towards his taunt's recipient. Her head snapped towards him and she gave him a look of utter malice. "Say that again, ALPHIE, and I'll bite your little baby finger off," she barked, finally dropping her arms down to her sides and letting her captain do the finesse work for himself. She didn't mean any harm but her tone did come off a little more rude than it should've; the rest of the crew just chalked it up to nervousness. Even Charlie had his fair share of anxious, racing thoughts. 'I can't screw this up. I can't screw this up. I have to come back in one piece for Delton but I can't come back emptyhanded or else they won't let us stay together, I'll have no-one left for me and they'll make me fight again if anything else bad happens with Sorna,' his mind echoed again and again. He shuddered and lost his grip on the final latch. "Jeez, Charlie, even you can't get these things right. You would've thought the government could afford something better than Star Bazaar brand spacesuits, something custom made would've been nice..," complained Brittany after feeling Charlie's mistaken hands attempt to correct themselves. It was true, these suits were pretty expendable and they'd packed two per person just to be safe but something a bit more high quality than a magazine-bought suit would've been nice. Suddenly, Quebec poked a purple-haired head into the fitting room. Before anyone could react, he announced, "Hey, dudes. We found another medic for the mission, Zeta is going to bring her in after you guys are- oh! Looks like you're already finished, nice." He fully entered the room and took the nearest person's hand; Alph's. "I'm so nervous I could puke. I'm not an engineer but I double-checked the Drake with people who knew what they were doing and everything looks okay. Be sure to pack your bags and make sure you've brought everything you needed, Zeta's currently stocking your food shelf with some rations. I told him to sneak a few extras on there just for you guys," he continued with a whisper as to not raise suspicions from any other workers' prying ears. Brittany gave him a big smile and began to follow him out the door.

“Hey! Um, captain Charlie, you can't entirely...bring those. That's contraband." Beck had been hovering over them to see what kind of contents they'd packed into their personal bags for the mission. Brittany brought a lot of art supplies, some comic books, a few fantasy board games with images of dragons and knights dueling on the covers, the wrapped pastries from her aunt and a pink, fluffy blanket. Alph stocked his holo-journal in his personal pack along with a pastel blue handheld video game system, some jigsaw puzzles of fuzzy kittens striking various sickly sweet poses, a couple of space-themed stress toys and his favourite pillow. Captain Charlie, however, just brought along a card of pirated TV shows to upload to his KopPad, several boxes of cigarettes, some flasks of unknown types of alcohol and unfittingly, a beat-up yellow rubber duck and green nail polish. Charlie glared at the planner and zipped up his pack without breaking eye contact. "No, no, I don't think I can let you bring those on. Having you drunk on the mission could be very dangerous, I'm gonna have to take those," Beck continued as he reached a tentative hand over to the zipper of Charlie's bag. A much stronger and less tolerant hand locked its grip around his smaller wrist before he could start the motion of opening the pack and its owner retorted, "Who said I'd drink it all at once? And besides, I know what you'll do with it the second I leave. You're gonna keep it for yourself because this is the good shit you can't buy anymore with all the fruit gone." Beck locked eyes with him and licked his lip in anticipation. It was true, he hadn't had a good glass of wine in longer than he could remember and was dying to see whatever the captain had brought along the mission. "Go buy the cheap Hocotate stuff and leave mine alone, I'm the one going on the stressful 276,000 light year journey. Not you." Charlie swiped Quebec's hand away from his stash. The planner sighed and ran his hand through his hair; it was worth a shot to try.

"Well it's not up to me to make the rules, you're not even allowed to have the smokes but I can let it slide since you'd probably break my neck as I sleep if I was the one who took your crap away. I was gonna share it with the others, anyway...you military types scare me," he grumbled as he got up onto his feet. Alph and Brittany had meanwhile been sitting together in the back looking at the nerdy stuff the other brought. Alph got a fluttery feeling in his chest when he thought about how similar they were and was more than excited to get to play these games with her or write poetry for her as payment for a nature drawing. He pictured the two of them working on one of his kitten puzzles together, maybe on a break one day in the sunny evening light. The edge of her hair and rims of her glasses lit up by the orange sunset skies, possibly with the edge of a jigsaw piece caught under her teeth while determining where in the picture it belonged. He felt warm and fuzzy on the inside for a second knowing he might finally have the opportunity to get to know someone instead of live alone with his cat and his video games for the rest of his days. Brittany seemed to be having the same thoughts albeit replaced with her roleplaying games as they'd crossed gazes and warmly giggled a bit to the other. Yes, she was going to be the one for him. "Are you people done yet?" The startled couple jumped as their moment was interrupted by...Zeta, unsurprisingly. "Yeah, I've packed up all my junk!" Brittany responded, leaping up to her feet. Alph nodded on cue and slowly got to his own. Beck and Charlie both panicked and swiftly covered up any exposed contents of Charlie's own bag. "Y-yep, the captain guy is also finished! Nothing to see here, now get your butts out there and get us that fruit!" Quebec exclaimed as he pushed the three of them over to the other planner. "Alright, good to hear. Get them over to the launch pad, the cameras are rolling and the president's running out of motivational internet quotes to repeat," informed Zeta as he turned a corner, guiding a very frightened looking female Koppaite over to the changing rooms. Alph had a bad feeling about this new girl but he couldn't begin to place his finger on why...oh, well. The four began their journey up to the exit of the base towards the launch site. None of them spoke to the other. Beck couldn't think of any way to make them any less nervous, Charlie couldn't say anything to motivate them into being brave, Brittany thought of no snarky commentary to overlay atop the silence and Alph was already pretty quiet to begin with. Alph sucked in his gut and balled his fists, he hated to be such a scaredy-cat all the time. This was his dream. HIS dream, no-one was deciding this for him, he should be happy he finally got what he wanted. The anxious rookie coached himself through the entire facility until they were stopped by an oddly...familiar looking woman at the top floor. "Alph? Here, Alphie, I need to talk with you!" she cried out through cupped hands as she scanned the crowds of scientists scrabbling about to prepare for the mission. His ears picked up his name and he made eye contact with her. Why did he recognize her? Where did he see her from? "Hey, guys. I have to go for a second, I'll be right back," he assured, not waiting for an answer before he took off to dart through the crowd to meet up with the strange woman. As soon as he caught up with her, he started tugging on her sleeve to get her attention and looked up to her. She cast her gaze down to him and before she could ask him to stop touching her, her face lit up. "Alph! Oh, wow, you're so...well, you're slightly bigger than I remember you. They did say you wouldn’t get very big so I’m not sure why I’m surprised. Either way, I drove all the way up here to tell you I'm proud of you," she beamed, picking him up to his shock. He squirmed a bit but went limp trying to figure out who she was. "Who...exactly are you?" he pondered, cocking his little head to get a better look at this lady. She had very pale grey-purple eyes, desaturated orange skin like his grandpa Drake, looked to be around Drake's age to top it off and smelled of flowers and paper. She wore garb he could only describe as what you’d fine in the bottom of a thrift store’s bargain bin; head to toe she was dressed in floral designed clothes that didn’t quite match and were too big on her. He definitely knew her odd presence from somewhere and it bothered him immensely not knowing where exactly he saw her from, possibly a friend of his parents or Drake? She plopped him back down onto his spot on the floor and frowned, contesting,

"Aw, you don't remember me?" The woman seemed oddly sad and Alph sure felt upset towards himself for not recalling who she was. She continued, "in...any case, I just wanted to drop by and say even if you don't remember me, I'm very proud of you. All of us are. Juliett said she forgot to give you something she wanted you to remember your family by and they won't let her near where you'd be so I took it upon myself to give it to you before they kick me out, ha!" She put down Alph and dug around in a purse she'd brought with her. Out in her hand came Juliett's favourite pin, now modified to be more fit to Alph's tastes: her dragonfly taking flight atop a new enamel pin of a sleeping cat.

"Your mother got the little cat part for you from a coworker and your father dug out Drake's old welding stuff just to solder the two together so they wouldn't fall apart. We know how much you love those furry nightmare creatures and how close you are to Juliett so we thought you might appreciate a little token of our appreciation," she informed, placing the fusion of metal into Alph's tiny hand. His group was now catching up to the two of them. "What's your name, how do you know my family?" At this point Alph was a bit shooken by how much this stranger seemed to know about him. Her previously joyed gaze seemed a bit saddened by this and she at last said, "So you really don't recall who I am...I don't reckon the name 'Echo' rings a bell, does it? It's okay, I only saw you when you were just a little baby and your grandfather and I were still together. I just wanted to stop by and tell you that you'll never quite know how astonished of what you’ve become your whole family is. If your mother's side was still around I know they'd appreciate you as much as your father's does." She bent over and planted a lipstick-smothered kiss onto her apparent grandchild's forehead. Alph expected everything to flood back to him but all that was replaying in his brain was Drake saying "it's not your fault, it's HERS" to him that awful afternoon in the garage. Was Echo the "her" Drake was referencing? At this point, Beck and the other two caught up with him whether he was ready to disperse from the conversation with his apparent grandmother or not. "Alph, what're you doing? And who's this, she doesn't look like she works here- someone escort her out with the others before I lose my job, I have to get these guys over to the launch site ASAP!" Quebec ordered anyone around to come help. Echo smirked and silently made her own way out the door, prompting her to finalize her last meeting with him by adding, “Drake was so smart and yet so idiotic. You’ve got the same smarts in your brain as your grandpa did but I want you to throw out whatever he taught you. Just for your old lady, be sure to make choices with your heart and not your nervous little head. You’ll thank me later, I’d hate to see another bright soul like his go to waste. If you make it out in one piece, you should come visit me and we can have tea and catch up on things.” And with that, the greying woman in the floral attire was gone. "Who was that? Shouldn't she have come with the other family members?" Brittany asked from behind the silent engineer. Alph just stared down at the pin and slowly put it into his pack. He didn't say a word as to let Quebec do his job and guide the three over to the launch site, he needed some time to think about this Echo lady and if she really meant the best for her grandchild. Or...was it grandpa Drake who’d lied about being on his side after all these years?

#pikmin rerouted #fanfiction #alph #brittany #charlie #delton / character d #I HA DTO DELETE TWO FINISHED PICTURES FROM THIS #I DREW THE DESIGNS WRONG AND ONLY NOTICED AS I WAS POSTING THIS #RIP

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inspirationallyinsane · 4 years ago

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December 11 2020

Hi Tumblr :) it has been such a long time since I have written anything. I would like to say it is because my life has been crazy or busy or even interesting. But that is not the case. I think that I haven't written simply because I haven't felt like myself in a long time. It's funny, I still call myself a writer. Like if someone were to ask me who I am or what my interests are; I would always say I'm a writer. I consider it a core part of my identity and yet I can't seem to do it. Sad, isn't it? Anyway. The last time I wrote I think I was going to Key? Right? From Chase? Over a year ago now? Haha. Yikes. I won't write too much about Key Bank but I will say that it broke my soul a little bit working there. It was an odd place. A group of fully grown adult women, acting like high school children. And I would talk to the people around me about it and unanimously the response was more or less shock at the things that were happening there. I don't know. I cried a lot during that time. I remember my depression and anxiety from HS and it doesn't even compare to how it was at Key. I had never wanted to be less alive than when I was working at Key. I am young, but I can say confidently, I will never have a worse job. Ever. Which is comforting in a way. If I can get through that BS I can probably get through anything. Lol. But! Out of all bad things comes good, right? I don't believe that necessarily, but in this case it is true. As always, my disdain for my workplace inspired me to get something better. I decided that I didn't want to fuck around with banks anymore and that I was ready to start my career as an actual financial advisor. So I applied to three different firms and, no surprise (not really, it's a huge surprise, I'm in no way qualified to be an FA right now), I landed a job at one of them. So I was hired to be a financial advisor at AIG retirement services, and I began studying for my tests. I worked at Key for about 3 months after I was officially offered the position at AIG. I was studying for the first test I would need to take, the SIE. I ended up quitting (sort of) in August. Key found out about the AIG thing and they weren't happy to say the least. But. What do they expect? I told the district manager directly that I was being bullied at my branch and I had other people confirming that fact. Not to mention that when I was hired they knew my ambitions, I told them, I wasn't trying to hide anything and I didn't spring anything on them like oh no way? I wanted to be an FA in a year. I was told that would happen when I was hired. 5 months in I was told that it would take 3-5 years to even get an assistant position. I'm not doing it. And obviously I am a very talented individual. I have had enormous success in my career in 3 short years. You can't hire someone like that and expect them to sit in a boring ass banker job for 3 years. It's not who I am. Hire someone else. Um. But, the AIG job is in Eugene. So I had to move! It actually all worked out really nicely though because the fires in Medford left my brother without an apartment right around the time I was looking for something in Eugene. We were able to get him into my and Trent's old apartment within about a month, and I found the cutest little place in Eugene. I love my apartment. It is technically a one bedroom but I turned it into a sort of studio with an office. I figure I'm not going to be having people over all that often, so a living room or entertaining area isn't important to me. I love my office space, it is so perfect, especially since AIG is work from home until who knows when. It is considerably smaller than my apartment in Medford was though. But! I have been saying for so long that I wanted to get rid of stuff, cleanse my life. I ended up getting rid of a lot more than I actually needed to. And so my place is a little empty, maybe? Not terribly empty but there's just a bit more that I could have. I don't want to buy more things though. Everything I have is because I truly want it. And that's a cool feeling. Really knowing everything you own. I think people often have things that they don't even realize they have. They don't know their own possessions. I know for sure I didn't. Before I went through my things, I thought I knew, but there was so much stuff that I had no idea about. Craziness. There is too much stuff in this world. Anyway. I'm all set up in my new place, the only super sad thing is being so far away from my family. Trent decided that he couldn't come with me. He is doing so well at his job and I'm really proud of him but it is hard to be without him so much. This is the longest relationship I've ever had by far. And there have been ups and downs, but at the end of the day I don't want to be without him. He was here all week and he's actually asleep in my bedroom right now as I write in my office. It's kinda a nice domestic little picture. I miss him constantly when he isn't here. We talk on the phone though and we have our games we play together. Recently he got me into WOW. I had a lot of fun leveling but since reaching 50 I haven't played much. We gotta get back to it. Essentially though things are going well with Trent and as of now I see us being together for a very long time. I will say that I haven't always been so confident in our relationship but somehow I think we have actually gotten stronger. The moving stuff was stressful. I'm glad we got through it. And of course I miss my mom and my dad. It's hard. I enjoyed our weekly lunches and I liked going over for dinner every once in a while. I still talk to my mom on the phone, my dad too but just less often. It's not the same though. Fortunately because of the holidays I have been able to go down to Medford at least once a month for the last few months, and I'll be going for Christmas too. I'm hyped about the gift Kodiak and I got for my parents. I think they're gonna love it. Definitely unique. It's hard to be alone. I feel kinda bad because I know Jonno is here and I should text him and hang out with him and it's not even that I don't want to but I have been struggling a lot emotionally since being here. My anxiety has been unbearable. It's an all day every day sort of affliction. I have never had such intense and frequent panic attacks. I actually ended up seeing a psychiatrist and getting a prescription for anti anxiety meds. I haven't taken them and I'm starting to do better. It helps when Trent is here. I've been trying to help myself. I'm trying to go on daily walks to the park next to my house, I'm trying to eat better, although most days I've had a hard time eating at all. I'm trying to get out and put myself in situations where I will see other people or be preoccupied. I'm finally feeling maybe up to starting a stream. I think that will be good for me. Anyway. That's all to say, I've just kinda been suffering since moving here. I don't want to say that it was a bad decision coming here, or accepting the job with AIG because being at Key was worse, just differently. Intense anxiety vs deep depression? I'll take the anxiety apparently, because I've dealt with anxiety so much that even though when I have panic attacks the physical symptoms suck ass, I know exactly what it is and exactly how to get through it. Being suicidal? That one is harder to know how to fix. Haha. Anyway. Back on track. I haven't been able to finish my testing for my FA position yet. Um and I have essentially been out of work for 6 months. So. I was definitely ready to go back. I ended up getting a job at Starbucks a little bit ago. It was fun. My manager was very nice to me. I learned a lot about coffee. I had no idea it was such a complicated subject. My manager's whole life was Starbucks. He had worked there for over 20 years. He knew everything there was to know about coffee and about Starbucks. It's very cool but at the same time I kinda wonder how a person is satisfied just being a SB manager for their whole life. Like, at the end of that day, are you satisfied with your accomplishments? I hope he is. I could never be, but I think that might be a flaw. I ended up having to quit after only two weeks though because I had a phone call with one of my partners (?) at AIG and we decided that I could start as a part time advisor assistant until I finish my testing. My 7 is scheduled to be soonTM so. It wouldn't be too long but it'll be a nice introduction to the company, and allow me to start working with some of the other FAs before becoming one of them. I start that position on Monday. Um. I'm actually really excited. They offered me more money than I thought I would get. And the hours are fantastic, and it is work from home. I mean. Could there be a better position? I don't think so. So far everyone from AIG has been just so awesome and accommodating. I have had some administrative issues, like with my U4 and testing and start dates, but ultimately I think it is going to be great working there. Hm. What else? I've been playing a lot of league. LOL is my favorite game ever. I love it so much. I love watching it and playing it and even thinking about it gives me joy. I have gotten a lot better since Trent and I started dating. I think it's because I am with him that I wanted to be better. Back when I started playing and it was me and AG I never felt much motivation to focus on the intricacies of the game, or even learn different champions or positions because the person I was playing with was... not really better than me? It's hard because he was at first but I didn't have to play the game right to be better than him. But! I always saw Trent as this like, pro LOL player ya know? I thought he was just so good and I always felt kinda bad playing with him cuz we would drag him down in the games. So when we started dating I was like, I want to be as good as he is. I want to get to his level so we can play together and it won't be uneven. I mean. Y'all know how competitive I am. I think now I can confidently say that I am. Not at all the champions but I am confident in my gameplay, particularly as ADC. I've played a lot. But it feels good. Oh! I've also gotten into playing words with friends with my grandma. Nams is so awesome. I love being able to play her favorite game with her and chat with her every day. It had been soooo long since we talked and so when she called me a week or so ago I mentioned that WWF might be fun for us to play together and keep us connected more. And it definitely has. Such a beautiful thing. That has been helping with my anxiety too. She makes me smile. Anyway. I guess that is all for now. Hopefully I will start writing more but no promises. Just honestly it’s probably not going to happen. I think about writing a lot. Maybe I just need to sit down and do it when I think about it. Maybe that’s what being a writer is. Who knows? I hope all my readers are doing well. If there are any of you left out there :)

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thewordonmainstreet · 5 years ago

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It’s Happening Again: On Seeing My Life Once Again Go To Shit

I said in a few blogs ago how I find people are looking so haggard and worn out by life. Well that’d be me as of late. Everything has been hard for me lately due to my current mental health crisis. Either my meds. are no longer working or my mental health is getting worse. I’m really, really struggling to cook, get out of bed, do daily tasks and most importantly, do my much-loved job well. My brain has been the hardest hit as I process thoughts at a reduced speed. My ability to order priorities in a day and even type is affected. I’m all drugged up, I can hardly think and I’m really having trouble matching up invoices, one of the new requirements of my job. The confusion is unreal and I’m often having to think hard about some of the rules of the road. This is scary shit. I’ve been here so many times before, the depression or the meds. doing me in so many times in my life. And I mean really doing me in, I haven’t achieved career or relational success all because life has been a constant fight against my mind’s demons. I was a college student recently diagnosed with severe depression/generalized anxiety (the terrible two that go hand in hand most of the time) and it took everything in me to get through and pass my program, albeit with a GPA that I had to lie about on job applications. I failed two placements in my Early Childhood Education program because of my battle with mental health and I saw it start to take my future away. I was a young woman barely able to muddle her way through an Office Management program and again saw depression take me down. My head was full of so many meds. that I could barely think. As I started doing temporary administrative work, I only made it through those jobs because of colleagues and bosses who maybe didn’t see me struggling or didn’t say anything. Eventually, I just couldn’t find work, I’m sure the word got around to the agencies that I worked for. Depression has stolen the best of my life time and time again. I’ve lost so much and failed at so much because of it. I know this feeling all too well, I’m at a pivotal moment when I could either be saved by grace and my goodness as a person or see it all go to shit. What does life feel like doing to me today? Have I been good enough to keep my job? I haven’t been able to get through my days at work very well and sent out a highly personal and vulnerable e-mail to HR and another person I was doing a project for explaining how I feel. I was asking for help and saying just how much I value my job. So much is at stake here. When it falls apart, it really falls apart. What will happen first is an immediate financial hit. My bank balance edging down and then I lack the ability to put good food on the table. The cost of groceries is insane now and I was just starting to have desirable food in the house with this job. When I suffer the blow of a lost job, I suffer the loss of good eating and am relegated to plain, survival eating that leaves me wanting so much more. Then to thinking about getting another job. I feel so stressed financially that it stops me from looking for work. I don’t have the gas money or money for lunch breaks on the road to deliver resumés. Almost nowhere will hire me with my resumé that makes it look like I can’t keep a job. I can’t live on ODSP alone and my ODSP is automatically reduced due to the earnings that I have now. I work now, I pay later. There will be no Christmas, there never has been for me, I’m living a life interrupted by a cruel illness or the drugs that treat it. I hate the drugs and what they’ve done to me. I imagine it in my mind so I’ll be able to get used to it when it really happens, me losing my home and everything I own. The path isn’t very far from the house to street. Charities are mired with long wait lists and stringent qualifying criteria. This job is the only kind of routine I have in my life, it’s tethering me to normalcy. I can see the family fights as mental illness causes so many of them. For some reason, mental illness causes fights. Cancer or kidney failure never does, but there’s something about mental illness. My relationship with my parents has been fractured all of my life, only knowing moments of understanding that are as few and far between as are months of my good health. They all see me as the black of sheep of the family that must be seen and not heard, it’s been that way since I was a child. The fights are becoming more frequent now. I can hardly wait until Christmas. The straw is so close to breaking the camel’s back and one day they will just get so sick and tired of me because of my illness. I see myself in my dreams losing everything, the painful rows with my parents because they’re so fed up, them telling me I’m a total failure and that their taking my home away as the final statement of their displeasure.

Me ending up on the street panhandling, the plausible end of a life mired by health battles and deep poverty. I want to prepare myself soon for this so I imagine it more and more often in my mind. I see myself struggling to eat meals at soup kitchens because when I get really stressed I cannot physically swallow food. I’ve been to meal programs a few times before in life starting when I first got sick at age 18 and then in my late twenties and maybe I will darken their doorways again. I search social services and charities on the Internet to prepare myself so I know whose out there and where they’re located. I’ve worked so hard to create my own unique signature on this home. Work as in shop I should say but when you have to go from thrift store to thrift store, that’s work. I’ve got so many one of a kind, quirky decorations, kid’s toys, stuffies, McDonald’s toys and miniatures. 12 years of committed thrifting has amassed me a lot of whimsical, unique finds that I cherish. I have a razor-sharp mind and have the uncanny ability of recalling just what thrift store each item was procured from. Now I’m under pressure and in the fight of my life to hold onto that stuff. Shit’s never been so real as it is now. There’s no way I’m losing this place yet as I lie in bed when the confusion and mental anguish is so real, I imagine me calling around to get prices on storage lockers knowing that I’d never be able to afford what they’re asking and keep myself fed in the same month. I can’t figure out what I love the most, almost like what I would grab first if there was a fire. I love it all, I’ve worked so hard to keep jobs to fill my home with nice things. I see myself on the street, a blanket over my knees as I hold out a cup and hope I look pretty enough without makeup because I’ve lost my whole collection, tears running down my face because this is just too much to bear. It’s just too much. I’m in the fight of my life to hold onto this job. I’ve seen this fight so many times before. The e-mail or conversation where you reveal your health struggles and the ever uncomfortable fallout. You muddle through the day and you’re treated like a stranger that doesn’t even work there. You become the subject of whispers by the water cooler. They don’t even tell you where you’re f’ing up as there’s no reason to. You go in everyday, ready to be fired. When getting through the day is as much of a battle as it is now, getting through the month most often never happens. When you’ve got a broken mind, soon enough you’ll be broke yourself. And the fact that most people on the streets have a mental health issue really hits home.....just when will I be among those in the city’s homeless count? I’m hanging by a moment here and hope there is mercy and understanding. I can’t afford to lose what I’ve got. I’ve got more money in the bank than I’ve had for 5 years (and it’s not a whole hell of a lot) yet I’ve never been closer to the edge. The only jobs I can get now are shady day jobs where I risk not getting paid or Tim Horton’s and like I want to be a slave for a brand that honestly tastes like watered down mud. My longest job in life was 6 months and my resumé rivals a new grad.. The blue collar world destroys me by bullying or abuse and the white collar world doesn’t understand me. The truth is the world doesn’t want a f up like me. I’m a nice girl finishing last and the social safety net isn’t robust enough for my complex situation. My mind or the matter (the damn drug that may have caused this) decides what’s going to happen next. Do I lose it all or somehow hold onto it? Survival is all I really think about, there are no breaks from the gritty work of survival. Will I have healthy food in my house, will I be able to get through next month? I just hope that fortune will favour me and that I can hold onto this job. I’ve never wanted anything more in life than to have something last for me, to have something go right. Too much has gone wrong for someone that just wants the pride of a hard day’s work. When it all falls apart, it really f’n falls apart. It’s messy, it’s embarrassing and it’s scary. I’ve been falling apart all of my life.

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convndrums · 7 years ago

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here the FAWK she ( the semi-finished masterlist of all my characters ) is ! took way too long but hopefully as you proceed to click on the linque below you’ll know why smh but yep ! i’ll be adding their pages on my account when i’m done with them soon i hope and maybe come back with a bunch of connections for each character but for now this is all i got & smash this like or im me for plots i’d love to get on those finally xx

reintroducing amanda wheeler; intro & info page.

queen of irony. rich post- faux country gal who’s a loud homosexual and writes hetero fics/has an indie het smut for the absolute shits and giggles. dates a married woman she’s utterly in love with and will pull the life support cord for. said to be possessed by a possessed flapper. cute and knows it even though she looks like a republican. socially open & everywhere. morally grey.

reintroducing imogen yates; intro & info page. ( tw violence )

the grey area between your mom friend and your drunk aunt. happily vegan & owns a vegan restaurant called the fork, alt. the vegan cult’s lair. won’t kill you, but will convince you she really wants to. local brat tamer. minds her business via minding others. clashed head-first into nature’s very own reset button: amnesia. used to be satan and traumatized everyone. disgustingly active and accomplishing.

reintroducing ethan holland; intro & info page. ( tw suicide )

he is a sk8r boi, she said see ya later boy ( and meant it. they’re dating now. hey lourdes ! ) a nice person, so nice he doesn’t realize how fake he sounds/is. a certified headass. previously a bully/bully enabler, current guilty fuck. #torn. does the most for his loved ones. doesn’t remember his own birthday. googled foot fetishes once. trolls stan twitter with his fake selena gomez stan account when tumblr crashes. burned a sue of cide note with his name scribbled on it.

reintroducing sebastian miller; intro & info page ( tw violence )

kazimer sokolov whom. russian ex-cult member well-adjusted into a mundane life via lies, a fake canadian accent he’s ‘trying to get rid of’, being a twilight saga aficionado and a dickwad, a lame record store and a tumblr blog to keep himself sane by maintaining a general aesthetic and shitting on people and every discourse out there. knives/books sniffer. allegedly fucked a moose. probably kinkshames as a way to deal with his own “kinks” aka please keep the dead bodies away. ( im kidding i swear but [redacted] )

reintroducing prudence zima; intro & info page ( tw death )

parents died in a fire when she was two months old and it shows. idolizes avril lavigne & her favorite movie is lords of dogtown for aesthetics references. dude. social leech or effortless networker ? both. remains in her lane regardless. cry-types probably. here for a good time, not a long time. steals your stash and smokes you out with it. avid dick connoisseur. minimum effort lifestyle. either on her way to become a manager of some one hit wonder band that finds it’s demise in a freak accident, a drug dealer or god forbid, a guidance counselor; depends. mild cool girl syndrome.

reintroducing jennifer meade; intro & info page ( tw death, violence and abuse )

bi/pussy muncher and proud misandrist, first and foremost. remembers killing her brother very fondly. the one girl in a room to call when you want to kill a bug and you’re relieved until she kills it with her bare hand. tops. unstable & chaotic evil, respectively. the ginger devil. biased and has her minion whom she invests a great deal of her time in brain washing and obsessing over. supposedly here to make amends but that’s not happening any time soon.

reintroducing margot williams; intro & info page ( tw mental illness )

deserves better. very gay. all her friends are heathens xtra, take it slow. corrects typos in the gc. a nerdy editorial assistant daydreaming about publishing houses instead of the magazine she works for. lowkey shy and she’s angry about it. goes off if she must. jacks off to #knowledge and yuri anime. helps with homework and essays and takes the kids out. deadpan because we’re original but she swears it’s just the face & unresolved trauma. stans her therapist. unofficial older sister.

reintroducing chandler accardi; intro ( re-written ) & info page

needs to do better. dropped out of college for culinary school then dropped out of that too. was engaged to an absolute goddess he ultimately wronged ( with her damn best friend, bitch disgostin* ) and got kicked out to the curb. currently residing in the couch of his sister until things are resolved. thot-by-default & annoying. has like three ( 3 ) redeeming qualities. has never been told to shut up and it shows. works at buzzfeed.

reintroducing abel gautier; intro & info page

french and “confused”. lives a minimalist n’ expensive life. if american psycho & french kiss were the same movie. wine sniffer. the devil bakes croissants. will watch you die. takes grudges to the afterlife. gets attached but either ruins it or ruins it to spare everyone, himself included. falls in love a lot but knows how to calm the fuck down. very giving, fortunately. manipulative but isn’t too wild about bending everything to his will.

reintroducing simini gale; intro & info page ( tw abuse, violence & mental illness )

token white actress & character in rosie’s show. [ britney vc ] its me.... against dissociation. a loud mess with an intense mental state and anger issues dulled out by her prescribed meds and whatever pill she got in the bottom of her manager’s purse. dependent and distraught about it. grocery shopping for garbage food and attending comedy stand up shows half drunk as a hobby. stable ? where. very nice and super flighty. heels are hot. wishes she could fight someone without feeling the urge to actually fight someone.

reintroducing calvin o’shea; intro & info page ( tw mental illness )

it’s not just the depression more than the incredible self hatred. walks into rooms with his bad energy, grumpy mood and cunty attitude. graduated college just to shut his dad up. wants to die harder than edward cullen. just doesn’t give a shit. has a baby named freddie mercury ( also known as the antichrist, with alanis, his mortal literal enemy whom he absolutely despises and will not hesitate to put his dick back in again lbr ) who will probably grow up to talk shit about his parents whom he also mentioned in his tell-all book on ellen. works at his family’s bookstore that sucks the life energy out of college students nearing a mental breakdown.

reintroducing isabel pavia; intro & info page ( tw drug use )

contemporary dances her feelings away. too ambitious for her own good but knows what she’s doing. in a goth ass secret society ( here ) a.k.a her new found purpose. knows everything eventually. oddly trustworthy. doesn’t know what speaking loudly is, let alone yelling. loves the moon & has that moon app. had to take painkillers when she twisted her ankle very badly and would take them for a while for stress and performance reasons, but has stopped. a quiet angel.

reintroducing anastasia zeller; intro & info page

ambitious/multi-talented asshole. horror trash & an emotional/mental maze which translates well into her weird works on no sleep reddit and current horror comedy podcast. ( click here for info ). needs a therapist according to a friend, whom she dropped for saying that. will bite your head off. obsessed with her works to an unhealthy point. would love to establish a company and stuff out of it and is working on that. healthy relationships are a semi-foreign concept.

reintroducing morgan booker; intro & info page ( tw death )

vape-curious and takes photos of ghost towns and abandoned-everythings because #vision. had a roadtrip phase like the fake deep idiot he is. morally grey. genuinely here for a good laugh and spreading joy in the form of hover-friendships and taking lit candids of his friends. knows shit and comes off as a creep sometimes but does he really care. knows your mom’s name. lives in a disused hospital bc he’s marinating on that aesthetic.

reintroducing bowie harmon; intro & info page ( tw drug use & abuse )

part of a duo in a web series as the anxious n’ cackling mess. showcases her depressión & anxieté by her colorful wigs n’ new hair dyes. painful receptionist at a tattoo parlor. recovering addict who advocates for drug use. thinks tattooing a ruler on someone’s dick one day would be the peak of her accomplishments as a tattoo artist. daily bad decisions. “ it’s complicated. ” when asked about literally any relationship she has with anyone in her life. traumas include her failed singing career. an ex viner-by-association.

reintroducing shaheen bin baz; intro & info page ( tw violence & mental illness )

the physical deception of going through hell in a short amount of time with zero mental durability to begin with during midterms. trigger-anxious. will shoot your toes off your foot if caught off guard. aided in criminal operations with the brilliance of his mind in codes. would not mind dying. seasons your food. waters his crops in his balcony garden. the grey area between a super laidback dude and a crackhead with violent tendencies. nearing a mental breakdown probably.

reintroducing minka abbott-santos; intro & info page ( tw abuse )

defeats the evil stepmom stereotype one breath at a time. the human embodiment of a deer. gothic angel. alarmingly gets black swan. type to wake up to her staring at you from an armchair across the room, but lovingly, with a book she was reading in hand and two hot cups of tea; she was waiting to start the day with you. spooky until you get to know her and even more spookier when she’s ( note: calmly ) pissed but that’s extremely rare. gentle voice, soul and everything.

reintroducing reuben faulkner; intro & info page ( tw abuse & violence )

rekt hell prince. lived in an amish community with his family until he got kidnapped away from home when he was seven into an awful living situation. doesn’t remember if the gas leak that happened five years later and killed everyone was his doing or not. knows where his real family is after months of tracking them down but. blood kink under investigation. shady bouncer at a shady club. has issues he has no care or time to diminish. fights for the shits and giggles. leaves texts at read. leaves you alone for your own good and his own sanity.

reintroducing alexandra turunen; info page

wants to do everything and be everything and doesn’t know what to do with herself ( read: post-graduation identity crisis ) currently investing in a motorcycle for no reason. essentially jobless. a “retired” kathryn merteuil who “outgrew” her cunning ways since highschool but really only found new socially destructive interests. appears to be self-possessed but she’s #shaken. doesn’t care about how well she presents herself anymore after getting rejected by four universities and refusing to accept her father’s offer to pull some strings to get her in one. sleeps a lot.

reintroducing giuseppe del vecchio; info page ( tw death & drug use )

goes by pepe because well. son of italian oil peeps & is extra. said to be in a cult when all he’s in is this extra ass dining club that does the most for initiation ceremonies. ready to fall in love with you. goes to the king’s college in london and studies business & changes his minor way too often for everyone’s liking. into everything and will be down to do whatever. faux deep. mischievous shit. incredibly unbiased. had his rawrk n’ roll phase that died along with someone in a club literally. still has it but he knows god now & less drugs.

reintroducing kelian scott; info page ( tw death & drug use )

a father/father figure who tries™. runs a mechanic shop/chop shop because bad decisions and dire needs ( had his son to send to school and his daughter who passed away due to a disease he couldn’t afford to treat even after turning his shop into a chop shop. his wife then left him ). stares into the distance. wants the best for the kids but one of them is a junkie ( he doesn’t know yet ) and the other -- his niece -- is an orphan he’s worried about. thinks ahead 24/7. needs to pull out of this dull n’ depressing daily routine he has fallen into like the basic ass divorced dad he is.

reintroducing sal presley; info page

smexy trace & fingerprint detective. talks. the perfect illusion to bring home to your parents and friends. gets shit done which is both a good thing and a bad thing. looks calm, collected n’ well-rested but isn’t. his actual name is salvatore but no. knows how to mix drinks and more; used to showcase his multi-talented ass to make his ( currently ex ) fiancée look good now just himself. was engaged three times; two of those times with the same person. obsessive; gets into his job a little too intensely for no reason but #justice and maybe something else whom knows. loses sleep at least two nights a week as a habit at this point. has an extended family back home he misses occasionally. wishes he could calm down truly.

#smoke:intros #FINALLY RISING HOLY SH-#ill do some plotting n hopefully get on replies soonish hell yea lets GO!

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kkelenca · 7 years ago

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Heads up: #depression #suicidal ideation

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newhologram · 8 years ago

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Survival is anything but typical

I don’t work hard at positivity and happiness and self care because I’m privileged or neurotypical or never had anything bad happen to me ever.

Why would someone with such a perfect (and not real, no one has this) life and brain and body need to work so hard for those things?

Maybe we need to ask ourselves that before we call every person or coping method *~neurotypical~* and be assholes about it. Maybe just don’t be an asshole at all, because neurotypical is not an insult? Why have we turned it into an insult? I’m really uncomfortable with “haha i make the assumption that ur brain is more on the normal side bc u recommended something to help, fuck u”, that’s really immature and gross.

Unless you can literally see into someone’s brain, unless you’re someone’s actual neurologist or something, maybe don’t assume you know whether or not their brain is “normal” based on something that is annoying but ultimately just harmless ignorance like, “hey, I know you’re in a lot of pain everyday, maybe this one type of yoga is something that could help, I saw it in a documentary!”

Like, let’s talk about that for a second. As a disabled person (physical and mental yay), these are the things I work hard at to try to make life more bearable and to stay alive because my conditions and the high levels of pain I’m almost always in literally almost caused me to end my own life: meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, herbs, self-massage, journaling, and there are more things like treatments I get or going to the sauna but those are just the things I do myself.

Guess what people who do not have such illnesses are constantly suggesting to me?

Me: *confesses to someone my illnesses and struggles* Them: Oh! You know, yoga might help— Me: Yeah, I do it twice a day. Really helps my spine out. Them: Have you tried medit— Me: Two or more times a day, Primordial Sound as well as Vedic mantras and yeah, it’s really great for so many things. Them: My cousin’s husband’s niece does this thing where they get the oil from thyme leaves, you know like the stuff you cook with— Me: Yeah, I know, I use white thyme oil actually, it’s excellent for nerve pain and fatigue. This is literally. Every new person. I meet. Who learns about my status as a person with incurable debilitating chronic illnesses. It’s exhausting and when I’m cranky all I can think is “what the fuck you just learned that I’ve been sick for several years and you think I never tried fucking yoga??????” But I don’t say that because I don’t wanna be a dick for no reason. That would make me a dick. There is no scenario where I would not be a dick for acting that way. People are not mind readers, the universe doesn’t revolve around me, strangers do not know what I’ve tried. My sister has tagged me in self care stuff in instagram that I already knew about, so should I call her a “fucking neurotypical” and be an asshole when she’s trying to help her little sis out? Sure, if I wanna be a dick.

My anger and frustration and suffering is not an excuse for me to be an asshole and snap at them and insult them for not knowing any better, for not understanding that yes, these things are very helpful and I already do them but they’re not cures and every person with illness is different and has to find different things that work for them. Yoga is great for me but might be too hard for others. In fact sometimes yoga is too hard for me if I’m having a bad flare up and I can barely stretch my arms without getting woozy.

I’m just cracking up imagining some tumblr “blogger” at a healing center constantly interrupting a self-care lecture like “UM IMAGINE BEING THIS NEUROTYPICAL LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!” in a room full of sick and disabled people who are desperate to learn ways to improve their functionality and lessen suffering. You would look like an idiot and an asshole.

When my self-care is mocked, my survival is mocked. When my survival is mocked, my will to live is mocked. When my will to live is mocked, my life is a joke then, isn’t it? I’m just a joke. Look at New, what a joke she is, making a yoga routine and sticking to it, what a joke she is, working hard to be nice and patient with people even when they piss her the hell off and on the inside she’s screaming. She must be #neurotypical lololololololol but oh wait her brain literally didn’t have enough bloodflow most of her life and her brainstem was compressed to the point where her brain couldn’t talk to her organs properly looool so #typical #amirite

I’m positive because on the inside, I’m actually very negative. The truth is, I hate myself. I hate my guts. I hate my voice, my face, my handwriting, my art, my videos, my life, my work, everything. It takes so much work to go about daily life with this much hatred for myself and sometimes it’s so overwhelming that my brain goes, “you don’t even deserve a heating pad or pain meds or acupuncture, you should just suffer and die and free your family from the burden of having to take care of you, and your friends will be much happier with you gone because then they won’t have to hear you complain all the time about how much pain you’re in!” I feel that I’ll never make my father proud, I’ll never be “someone”, I’ll never be happy, I’ll never find love, I’ll probably drop dead by age 30 and the thought is mostly “eh whatever” to me because I do not value myself and I’m constantly pushing myself precisely because of, wait for it and I hate that I’m saying this, internalized ableism is so deep in me that I do not feel that I’m worth what other people are worth. So my brain thinks, “it’s okay for YOU to make yourself suffer just to spare this actually able person a simple inconvenience because you are not of any value.”

Literally that is my brain nearly every day and I have so many up and down moodswings that I’m almost constantly overwhelmed by it. I work so hard to keep that shit locked in tight because if I don’t, it manifests as passive aggression and meanness and I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON ANYMORE. I DON’T. During very imbalanced and very sick times in my life, I was that person. I was awful. I was so deeply depressed and angry and suicidal that I acted like a fucking lunatic! I was mean! I was abusive! I was NOT A GOOD NEW! This was my mental illnesses aggravated by physical illnesses at their absolute worst.

It’s not neurotypical to want to be a better person.

It’s not neurotypical to do my best with what I have and be grateful for what I have.

It’s not neurotypical to look on the bright side even when everything looks shitty.

Like. I can barely work right now. I’m in my late 20′s. My 20′s are gone because I spent them sick instead of having normal life experiences. Last year I kissed someone for the first time in almost a decade, because illness kind of gets in the way of any kind of romantic life. One of my fears has happened. I’m too sick to do the work I love right now. It’s terrifying and I hate myself for it, I can’t stop feeling so horrible and feeling like I’m so weak for needing this time to heal and not using it to be working hard on set or advancing my career, and I have to maybe face the reality that I’m just done for and that was all I was going to be able to squeeze out of my poor sick body.

So you know what I do to deal with these feelings?

I meditate. I make lists of the things I’m grateful for. I look for the abundance so that I won’t tunnel vision on the lack. Because otherwise all I see is lack, all I see is my pain, all I see is my empty wallet, my debt, my bruises, my vomit, my tears, my blood, my tiny studded belt in my shaking hands.

So bite my disabled ass. It’s finely toned from all the yoga I do, so be careful not to shatter your teeth.

#anti-recovery #suicide #tw #chronic illness #personal #teku #alright oats felt time for yoga and meditation #WITH LOTS OF PEACE MANTRAS SUCKASSSSS

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waige4life · 8 years ago

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personal

I dont really post much about myself on here but i thought you guys might want to know more about me (if not just continue scrolling)

this is just something I had to do for a class anyway so here :)

p.s. number 11 was my favorite to write!

My 20 Journals

1. What’s not working? Nothing is working. I have almost no friends and the one friend I do have I barely talk to. I don’t tend to have fun anymore. When I’m not working on school stuff I’m either at work or sleeping. I will occasionally go Pokémoning with my family but this can become tedious and time consuming. My mental health is declining and my physical health isn’t much better.

2. What lessons are you currently learning? I am currently learning that plans will always change. I am a very organized person and I like to plan ahead. From planning when I’ll do my homework to planning when I will graduate. When I started thinking about college almost two years ago I wanted to be a Med Evac flight nurse. Now I’m transferring to another college to pursue a degree in nuclear medicine. Plans change for various reasons. When I was diagnosed with epilepsy my plans changed from coast guard search and rescue medic to flight nurse. When I developed chronic shin splints my plans changed from nurse to nuclear medicine technologist. I always hope this will be the last big change but I know deep down my plans will change again.

3. What would you like more of in your life? I would like more time. I need time to spend with my friends, time to earn money, time to study and time to focus on me. Right now my life is a blur. With 19 credits and a goal of bringing my GPA up by 0.14 I have no time. I now only work on Saturdays and I haven’t spent time with friends since the beginning of the semester. I spend time with my family at night when we go Pokémoning but I fear lack of sleep so I can’t make up the lost studying time at night. I need time to finish what I need to do and then I need time to do what I want to do. I need time.

4. What would you like less of in your life? I would like less stress. I’m stressed out by school. I’m stressed out by my lack of focus and my lack of friends. I’m always trying to drown out the stress with wandering or browsing Tumblr but then I get more stressed that I’m wasting time by not working on school work. I need to relax but I don’t know how.

5. What are you procrastinating on? Why? I’m procrastinating on this class. I procrastinated doing this project because I thought it would be easy. I’m procrastinating taking the exam because I know it will be hard. I need to read the book. I need to watch all the power points. I cannot fail this class.

6. What do you stand for? I stand for doing the right thing. I stand for helping people and always being nice. I have been a girl scout all my life and I feel that is a very good description of what I stand for. I know wherever I end up in life I will be doing the right thing. Whether I’m working as a 911 operator or a disaster emergency responder I will always be helping people.

7. What are your contradictions? When I was running with the ambulance I was really good at staying clam during calls like cardiac arrests. Now I get overwhelmed very easily at the restaurant. Whether it’s having too many tables or having an unhappy guest I tend to cry on a regular basis. It may sound horrible but cardiac arrests are my favorite calls they are so organized and straight forward, I know what I have to do and I do it well. Whereas at the restaurant you’re just kinda trying your best to make every one happy.

8. Who are you right now? Right now I am a student. I am a daughter, a student, a scorpion fan, and a Pokémon Go player, but mostly a student. I am a current student at LCCC and I am a future student at either Indiana University of Pennsylvania or Cedar Crest College. I am member of team mystic on Pokémon go and huge fan of the show scorpion. I am all of these things and more but right now I’m focusing on being a good student.

9. Who were you? How have you changed in the past years? I used to be an average student. I used to coast through school. I never studied; I would pay attention in class, do the homework, and then cram for the last five minutes before the test. Now I’m realizing that you cannot pass certain classes without studying. For most of my classes I still pay attention, do homework, and cram but for certain ones I have started studying. I studied the models in the tutoring center for both A&P one and two. I also study for nutrition after realizing it was more information than I expected. Finally I study for this class. There is not lecture to pay attention to and the homework doesn’t cover the whole chapter like the mastering homeworks do. I also can’t cram as there are only two tests in the whole class and you can’t cram for nine chapters in five minutes.

10. What do you secretly yearn for? Secretly I yearn to be in the military. Most of my dreams and goals are well known as I am a very open person and I don’t hide much. The reason this dream is kept secret is because it is impossible for me. I have epilepsy, chronic shin splints, and a bunch of other medical problems that would keep me from ever passing their medical exam. Somedays I still dream of somehow getting involved as a civilian though.

11. Describe your ideal day. Claire and I are at Breinigsville Park on a beautiful spring day. Finals are over and we both don’t have anything on our schedule for the day. We start throwing a softball back and forth, right on the field where we first learned to play. She teaches me hooping tricks and we laugh at all our failed attempts. Early in the afternoon a thunderstorm suddenly pops up over head. We don’t have time to run back to her house so we decide to sit in the pavilion and watch the beautiful musical Mother Nature has created for us. When the storm passes we head home, both of our parents are there. Our moms are in the dining room chatting over hot chocolate and out dads are in the kitchen just finishing the most wonderful homemade spaghetti. We eat dinner and dessert before we retire to the living room to watch a harry potter movie. After the movie her dad goes to bed, her mom and my parents start playing cards, and Claire and I retire to the family room where we cuddle up in blankets with hot chocolate and talk about our dreams of moving out and getting an apartment together one day.

12. What are 3 things you are currently – and consistently – doing that don’t serve or support you? First I am stress eating. I eat way more than I need to and I eat unhealthy choices. Second I’m staring to cut myself off from everyone. I no longer go to church and I will most likely not be able to see my camp family this summer as I will be taking classes during the summer. Third I am not seeking help when I obviously need it. My old coworkers at the ambulance corps and many of my friends have urged me to get some help with my (undiagnosed) anxiety. I’m not doing any of these on purpose but I’m too busy to deal with any of them.

13. What’s your one word intention for today? My one word intention for today was focus. I needed to focus on writing these journals and studying for the midterm. On a normal school day though, my one word intention is survive. I need to survive the pain of walking to class and the awkwardness of talking to people. I need to survive this day so I can survive this semester.

14. What are the little things that leave you beaming from the inside out? One of my favorite little things is helping people find their way around campus. My daily route from class to class goes right by a campus map and I often see people looking at it. The map doesn’t show room numbers and they can be confusing especially in the science hall. I always ask if I can help and where they’re headed. I’ve been here long enough that I can give them good precise direction and I always walk away smiling.

15. What are you waiting for? I am waiting for an acceptance letter from Indiana university of Pennsylvania. IUP is my number one choice right now followed by Cedar Crest College. At IUP I would stay on campus but a Cedar Crest I would need to decide whether I stay at home and save money or move into an apartment with my best friend and start my adult life. I like to make decisions as soon as possible. If I’m not accepted I need to know so I can make other decisions.

16. How do you want to feel? Painless, I want to feel painless. I also want to feel satisfied and happy but today my back flared up on top of my constant shin splint pain. My chiropractor went out of business and I haven’t found a new one yet. My back hurts, my neck hurts, my shoulders hurt, and my shins hurt. I envy the day when I can walk to class or sit on a stool for long periods of time without being in pain.

17. When do you feel vibrant, electric, powerful, most alive? I feel most alive when I’m in another reality. I love to read books, watch TV , and watch movies whenever I need to destress because they make me feel like I can escape the horribly boring and tedious life and go on an adventure with them. In books I can be a warrior, I can have special powers, I can be in a completely different universe. In TV shows and movies I can be a genius or a wizard. Anything is better than being a boring college student.

18. How can you incorporate more fun and more play into your life? I think a good way for me to incorporate more fun into my life would be to start MMA classes. My friend and I went to a woman’s self-defense class last year and became interested in taking MMA classes. We both took a free class and we wanted to sign up but the cost was just too much for a college student. I think I may have saved up enough now and I think it might also help me relieve some stress.

19. I love… I love food. It’s actually become a problem lately. I really love to eat and the stuff I love to eat is not the healthy stuff. My healthiest habit is having a banana in my ice-cream. I don’t like many vegetables or fruits so it can be very difficult for me to eat a healthy meal. I’m taking a nutrition class right now and its really opening my eyes to how bad my diet is.

20. 5 things you want out of a relationship. First I want stability. I need someone I can count on, someone that will always be there. Second I need affection, someone that will love every little quirk about me. Third I need encouragement. I need someone who thinks I can do it and tell me to never give up even when others say I can’t. Fourth is an outlet. I need someone I can talk to about my family and my friends and everything that’s bothering me. Finally I want a special bond with someone. I want the kind of bond where we can just sit on a couch cuddled up in blanket and just enjoy each other’s presence without any TV or talking. All I want is the perfect personality, I don’t care about looks.

1 note · View note

aquarianlights · 7 years ago

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Hey Killian, it’s been a good minute huh? That one strangers back from a long stay in an institution. I’m sorry for not being around to give you the kind words I wanted to. You’re a beautiful man my dear. I love that you can go into long flowing monologues over the littlest things. The way you put words together is unlike anybody I’ve met before. Keep being you, my dear Killian. You’re stronger than you know and I believe you can be anything you want. You can do it!

It’s okay. You need to take care of yourself, too, okay? I’m going through a major, major rough patch in my life and honestly the only place I can vent is on a completely anonymous site where no one can find me. It’s the one and only place I keep anonymity. Which is very weird. I mean, I’m transparent about who I am and everything but the site is so... small and unknown that no one would ever trace me back to anything like the normal social media sites. It’s unreal. I’ve used it a lot in the past, but I was never really, er... anonymous on it. I stretch the truth a bit on there to make me feel more comfortable. Nothing about my life. Everything about my life on there is true. More-so facts about me. For instance, I don’t disclose my transgender status and pass myself off as cisgender very blatantly. Little things about myself like that that would make a reader NOT connect it to ME. Lies about Killian not being my first name. Lies about my initials. As my initials are KQR. Stuff like that so if someone WERE to find me outside of that site, they wouldn’t so much be able to connect the dots unless they were to find this answer right here, which is highly unlikely. But honestly... if it does come to light, I wouldn’t be that upset about it. Because the lies aren’t big and it’s not like I’m forming friendships or bonds with anyone there. And no one looks up to me or forms bonds with me like they do on social media. It’s more of a ....follow my journal entries and send me messages if you want. I can make certain entries private if I want. Blah blah blah. Like. I don’t make anything private, obviously. Anyone who knows me would know that. In fact, anyone who knew me WAY back in the day would actually know what site I’m talking about and yes, if you’re one of those people and you’re thinking about a certain site that I used to be very popular on a long time ago anonymously in the top most popular diaries/journals section for... gosh, months, years? I don’t even know. But if you’re thinking of it, you’re right and yes I’m back there and yes feel free to go find me. I’m p easy to find if you know what to look for. My entries are all true to my life so if you know what site I’m talking about, then you’d be p intimately involved in my life in some way (or... a stalker of some sort LOL) so you’d instantly be able to read even ONE of my entries and know it was mine either from my writing style or from the content of my life that I write about.

I mean, I’m definitely not suppressing emotions like I used to. That’s stupid and immature and the most childish thing anyone can do. Like, no, I’m not a fucking teenager. I’m 26. I’m not suppressing anything. I express my emotions freely and let them flow however and whenever I want or need them to in whatever way I desire wherever I desire. But it’s also nice to have a place where I can be completely anonymous to every single goddamn person on that site and just... be able to vent nonstop and not bother anyone because of my chronic pain issues and the psych issues that come with having severe chronic pain and the stress that goes along with my life and my majors in my two schools. It’s ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s been scientifically proven that bitching and whining and being loud and noisy about your issues when they’re severe and interfering with your daily life can help... but it has ALWAYS helped me. ESPECIALLY when they’re physical. I feel like that’d be a neuroscientific view of triggering the active distraction mode versus the passive distraction mode in your brain when you literally cannot do anything because of the physical pain and there are no pills or IM or IV meds to help anymore and all the physical therapy, electrode therapy, gels, creams, patches, and anything else will not help. The only thing left is a neurologist... and for that, I have to wait for my insurance to transfer. Sigh. LONG fucking wait and who knows if it even will, tbh. Fuck the government. Fuck america.

Anyways... I’m just having a really rough time because that’s the biggest issue right now and that’s just overshadowing all the other “major” issues which would be like... the major issues in a normal person’s life that would p much shut down even the most neurotypical of people, but I seem to be handling it like a boss. So idk. I’m a fucking demi-god, though, so that’s why probably. Pfft.

I cannot even BEGIN to list the amount of adulting things I am doing on the daily that people are not even slightly seeing because it’s all overshadowed by the fact I need really long breaks and need to be laying down a lot because of the fact I now have the prodromal symptoms to scoliosis and need an MRI stat. So that would just be fucking FANTASTIC to add on top of fibro and ehlers danlos. Fucking shoot me, tbh. I’d take death over this chronic pain any day. ANY DAY.

The pain is so bad that I’d take all the years of suicidal MDD where I was attempting suicide every other day and slicing myself to shreds all the time, barely existing as just a pile of apathy and lethargy, unable to even function as a normal human being coz I was too busy trying to die all the time and fighting with all the people who were forcing me to stay alive.

I literally stabbed myself with a pen just to try to take my mind off of chronic pain and see if acute pain would make it better. Wanted to stab myself with a steak knife but couldn’t do it... coz my A&P classes have me freaked out I might hit something... ugh. And I begged my roommates to hit me over the head with heavy objects or punch me as hard as they could in the temple or strangle me or rip a chunk of my hair out or stab me for me or ANYTHING that would cause major acute injury/pain. They wouldn’t do it. And the pen stab felt like a mosquito bite for about 2 seconds. And all my very serious migraines that impair me to the point of being unable to function at all just feel like pressure now. My joint and muscle pain from fibro and ehlers danlos... are practically gone because of how bad my spinal pain is. And when they examined it, sure enough, ligaments were out of place and either popped out or inflamed...very badly. And the lumbar region ... that part of the spine was just... too far down. It was reaching way too far down into me and sharply pressing onto or into something. And it’s twisted. The wrong way. And it’s fucking agonizing. Thank fuck the doctor was like “Jesus christ, fuck the opioid epidemic... you need this.” Because everything I have been using---voltaren gel, tens machine electrode therapy, lidocaine patches, oral nsaids at the maximum dosage, tylenol at the maximum dosage switched every two days with nsaids, lyrica, physical therapy, valium, who knows what else at this point---hasn’t done a single thing and it is only getting worse and worse every single day. And it’s getting to the point where my gait and my speech and my gestures and my vision and my concentration are..... gone, so to speak. And I’m experiencing the worst sense of vertigo ever and I’ve almost blacked out so many times that it’s terrifying because I have to lay on the nearest object---NOT lean, but LAY. The floor, a bed, a table, a chair.. LAY down on it. Otherwise, I would black out. And I have absolutely NO idea why.

A neurologist is my last and final hope... coz I’ve seen every single other fucking major specialist, barring a chiropractor which is a LAST resort option. If anyone is medical... you’ll all know why and I know you’re all snickering and nodding along with me.

ANYWAYS

Life is fucking painful and I am playing Dark Souls on nightmare mode. I thought living with crippling suicidal depression and a ton of psychotic disorders was daunting and impossible to live with. HAHA. Fucking hell, man. I look back at all those years and fucking LAUGH thinking about it compared to the pain I feel right now. NOTHING compares to it and I would take it all back and get off my medications if someone would just take all of this pain and these physical issues away. For fucks sake. ...thought it was impossible to live with... thought it was the worst thing in the world... I was such a child. Lmao.

So..... that’s the major thing that��s overshadowing everything else that would break a normal, neurotypical person and would probably break neurodivergents just thinking about it, nevertheless doing it, so idk how the fuck I’m functioning. I really don’t know. Here I am at 6am writing this reply because the pain is always too intense to sleep with. Even with these pain killers. Sigh. Fuck this.

Ahem... Rant over. I really go on rants about the most random of things. Jeeze. But that’s why I love myself. And why a lot of people love me. Or hate me. Either or. Doesn’t matter which. Haha.

But I really hope you were put on the “good” side and not the “bad” side or the “bad” building so that you don’t have ward induced PTSD or came out worse than going in. I’ve never been on the good side, but everyone who has are the people who are always the ones who are the ones saying “No omg wards saved my life and they are great whine whine wards are amazing and I’m gonna voluntarily commit myself every time I’m feeling anxious now hahah they’re so good for the soul!” and stupid stuff like that. Maybe not to that extreme NORMALLY, but I damn well HAVE seen it to that extreme quite a few times and dear god it’s annoying because they are the ones who are set in their ways and won’t listen because they’ve been in wards so, obviously, there’s no such thing as a “bad” side or they would know. So they call to find out or ask at their next voluntary admission and see if there’s such a thing and when they get the answer of “no” on the good side, they come back adamant that there’s no such thing because they don’t know how that works, how the laws work, and what the entire purpose of the “good” versus “bad” sides are and how they came about in an historical context and they don’t even bother to listen attentively for the slight codes over the speakers or the hushed phone calls to and from each side. Or, if they’re lucky, it’s COMPLETELY out of sight and out of mind because it’ll be a completely different building instead of a different floor or different wing. And then they get REALLYYYYYYYYYYY set in their fucking ways. In that case, it’s fucking IMPOSSIBLE to talk them out of it because “Well what you said didn’t happen, so it’s wrong. Duh.” Yikes. Just... yikes. Like, hello, hi, yes, I’m Killian and I stopped counting my institutionalizations at 20 times so I don’t know how many I’ve been in now but I’m p sure I know how it works now. Not to mention I dated someone who worked at one. So you can just, uh, fuck the hell off, yeah? (That’s usually some snarky response I have in my head when I’m flabbergasted at the ignorance these people have, honestly, to not know of the existence of the separation of the two and WHY they are separate and WHY it’s all hush hush when you’re on the good side and you don’t hear about it and WHY you have a grand fucking jolly good time on the good side and feel it genuinely helped, WHITE BECKY. ugh. Me at these people, seen below, as a corgi.)

...

BUT ER YEAH SO UH

I really hope you were on the good side so that you actually got help and so that you didn’t come out worse and with a huge extra shot of PTSD attached to your already very valid issues. And I’m so sorry if you got accidentally or purposefully thrown on the bad side. It happens accidentally a lot. Hell, an older woman with Alzheimer’s was on my unit once. It helped everyone, though. There wasn’t any blood spilled while she was there because everyone was doing their best to help her. She didn’t belong there at all and it was just her grandkids fucking her over for some reason we weren’t privy to and ... oh jesus christ, man, like thank fuck I have a heavy medical background. Came in handy. Really did. Ofc, as soon as she left, it was back to the blood and nonstop fights and lockdowns and thorazine cocktails and getting strapped down for nothing more than a sarcastic comment and all the physical and verbal abuse from staff and patients alike and the not getting seen or heard and this and that blah blah blah I could go on for hours.

But ahhhhhhh......... Just really hoping they purposefully (or even accidentally... either way is perfect) put you on the good side and you came out either the same, okay, or better for it. Take care of yourself and heed your own advice.

I want you to do something for me, okay nons? I want you to take every bit of those kind words you say to me and I want you to imprint them on yourself. Can you do that for me? Take all those words and internalize them and make them your own. If it helps, imagine I’m saying them to you. Okay?

I mean, in the end, you do you. Coz you’re an awesome person and a loved person. So... if that means ward time, then okay. That’s fine. You do you. I had to learn that the hard way. It’s not a bad thing. The only bad thing is the PTSD associated with it all and ofc all the things associated with PTSD... which is uh... you know... kind of er.. LIFE CHANGING IN THE WORST OF WAYS.

SO take care of yourself, okay? Dw about me. If I die, then it’s a purely good thing. If I live, then it’s an equally good thing and bad thing. Either way, I win in both scenarios. Since there is no getting rid of chronic pain. Especially the two chronic conditions I’ve been diagnosed with and now THIS spinal thing that I have no idea what it is except the prodromal to scoliosis or possibly actually scoliosis. . .which could and WOULD destroy my life. So. Right now, I have no reason to live, tbh, The pain is THAT intense. Yes, I have reasons but they’re overshadowed by how intense the pain is... Except for Echo. He’s the only thing thing I’d have a hard time leaving. I’d have to find someone I know and trust with steady finances throughout their entire adult life who knows how to handle spitz breeds and can properly take care of a neurotic 17lb pomeranian and really has the time to devote to him and all.

Most people cannot handle a pomeranian or spitz breeds in general and I honestly did not know that until I got Echo and owned him. I thought I knew what I was getting into just from extensive research and my grooming parlour history and my volunteering history and my pet sitting history. But... no... I had no fucking idea the extent at which you have to go for spitz breeds. And double coats. It’s... WAY above and beyond. And then on top of that, he’s diagnosed neurotic which is a little different in terms of what that means in dogs than in humans. So he’s, er... snappy and he’s very... adversarial.

“A neurotic dog can be defined as a dog that is excessively anxious and highly emotionally upset.”“If your dog seems moody, in need of constant reassurance, and excessively suspicious of other dogs or cats in the house, or even of human beings then chances are you've a neurotic dog.”Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1113508

That’s a pretty damn good and concise article on canine neurosis. Echo is more extreme in his neurosis than most. It happened before we got him. That’s why they called him “The Bully” and told us “Oh no, you don’t want him” when I was adamant that “Uh yes. That is going to be my dog and you cannot tell me otherwise. I don’t want the others. I want him. He is my dog. He is MY dog. I am HIS human. We are family. . .” I have never had a connection wth an animal like I do with my son.

...which is why I cannot die for him. And why I DO have one reason to live for that DOES overrule the pain and how intense it is.

The rest of my reasons... some come close, some are right at the border... some are right ON the border... but none are above it. If you get my drift. Echo is the only thing keeping me here.

...and honestly? It sucks. It sucks that I have to remain here because that’s how bad the pain is. My dreams to stick with pre-med and follow it through all the way to my dream residency program and one day be an attending at that hospital and take on a fellowship.... That is one of the VERY few things that are so close to the top of the border that it’s almost bursting through to Echo level... but not quite. And that kills me. Because I finally found my purpose and I may be knocked out of the game before I can even find out if I can make it there. Because of my body and because of physical disabilities that I cannot help and could never foresee. It had nothing to do with genetics. Nothing to do with my drug use or my alcoholism. Nothing to do with any of my habits. It was all completely fucking random. It was literally... Ehlers Danlos and fibro? “Some people are just born with it.” That is verbatim what my rheumatologist said to me when I begged him for answers on why this was happening to me, holding back tears. “Is it genetics? Is it what I did in the past? I used to do a TON of illegal drugs and drink a ton, too. Usually at the same time. All day and all night. It was terrible. For years upon years. And I’ve been anorexic for a long time. And this and that and... I don’t know. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?” “Some people are just born with it.”

Fucking hell.

Alright, I’m gonna shut up.

But, man, that felt good to rant.

Thank you for being my muse. Lol.

And I appreciate the encouragement so much.

People either LOVE my little novellas to death... or they’re like “What the fuck is with you ranting about absolutely nothing when someone just says “hey” to you? Completely unnecessary.” I’m like “Uh, FIRST OF ALL” and then I complete that WITH A NOVELLA LMAOOOOOOO. And usually get the answer “Uh, okay, professor. I’m not reading that.” And it’s great because I usually didn’t write it for them. I usually write it for me. So I know they’re not gonna read it ahead of time because of hat comment.. so I just write about a ton of stuff that I’ve been needing to vent about for a long fucking time and get it out and no one will read it because they think it’s a furious, passive aggressive rebuttal to some nice guy(tm) telling me he hates the way I go into tirades like this. HAHA. So it’s a win-win situation for me when people like that pop up in my life. The simpletons who give me one word introductions or one line phrases. I get to respond with huge novellas and they get SUPER offended about it for some reason and feel it’s necessary to tell me how offended they are in that passive aggressive manner and it’s just... ahh, it’s so refreshing to me because it feels like my weekly debt collector calls. I absolutely LOVE my debt collector calls. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, if it’s a debt collector, I stop what I’m doing to answer it. It’s just so much fun. I feel bad for one of them, though, coz it’s the same guy who has been assigned to my case and I end up changing my spiel to him every time. So now LAST TIME HE ASKED ME “Is your name [birth name]?” as per usual to confirm it was me before going into “This is a call to attempt to collect a debt” spiel. And I answered with “You know, I’m actually not sure. You tell me.” And he FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME AND I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE. Every debt collector call I get brings so much joy into my day that I just... even if I’m having the worst day and I’m sobbing on the couch about to slice my forearm open... if I debt collector calls me, I will answer and pretend to be a forlorn widow, twice abandoned, which is obviously why I’m crying because my partner just ran out on me. TRAGIC, AMIRITE. I like it when they have enough heart to ask me “What’s wrong” when I say “I just... don’t know if that’s my name... I’m in such dissarray right now that I don’t even know who I am anymore.” And they say “Maybe I should call back later.” And I say “OH no no, this is a fine time. I need a distraction. Desperately. Please. You’re all I have.” Which then normally chimes the hesitant “This is a call to collect a .... actually... I just... what’s wrong?” And then I have to force myself to keep crying as I put my 10 blade down and go “Well, you see, it all started when...” and I make up some super elaborate story, choking and voice shaking all the way. Improving on the spot. It’s SOOOOOOO much fun. Jesus fucking christ. And by the time I get off the phone, I’M NOT SAD ANYMORE AND I DON’T WANT TO KILL MYSELF ANYMORE!

But the ones where I can just... answer EVERYTHING they ask me with a question... and then when they FINALLY (very frustrated at this point, ofc) get to the end in double or triple the time that they should have, I’m guessing, and can ask me “What would you like to do about x amount of money/How would you like to pay/take care of this?”, I instantly drop whatever facade I had going to say something like “Bitch please, you can send that bill to the orange in the whitehouse. He’s the one who is forcing it to continue happening in the first place.” I keep that one as concise as possible. It has a major variation of that every time, though. Telling them to send it to Trump with the implication of how opposed I am to our healthcare system and how angry I am about my exorbitant medical debt and how completely unnecessary it is that I have it and how the 1% should be fucking paying it until the ones in power fix it to the right system, with absolutely bitterness seething from every fucking syllable like fucking poison. And then, ofc, they stutter on the end of the line: “I, uh... we... we can’t do that, so, uh... how do you want us, to, uh...” “Well, dear, let me spell it out for you. No, I really will spell it out for you. Are you ready? I have the address to the white house. Got a pen and paper handy? Computer?” “What? No, you can’t jus-” “Okay good. So the address is-” And I go on to speak OVER THEM with whatever address is listed online that I can find in the moment through a quick google search and as they try to cut me off, I just talk as loudly as I can. And every time they try to cut me off or tell me they can’t, I just get this super chipper, sadistic tone and go “Awe, thank you so much for sending it for me! I’m super excited to hear the response from a piece of fruit! Don’t think those tiny hands are big enough to hold a pencil, but we’ll see, eh?” And the jokes just go ON AND ON and I have a fucking MILLION of em and they don’t STOP and they’re terrible and I DO NOT STOP until the debt collector on the other end is so frustrated that they finally say “I’m going to put it down that you’re not going to pay.” And I just keep responding with. “You’re such a sweetheart for getting that payment taken care of for me! Now, where did you say you worked out of again? What’s the weather like? Super hot here in New Orleans... gonna be one HELL of a summer. GET IT!? HELL!? HAHA” Click. Line dead. And then I’m just fucking howling as I drop my phone.

And my POINT is (yes, I actually have a point, wow haha) that when good guys(tm) feel the need to point out their unnecessary opinion about my completely unnecessary novellas of ramblings, I like to respond with one paragraph of a “FIRST OF ALL” message so they think the ENTIRE message is going to just be a passive aggressive rebuttal... and then I have a bunch of fun with the response and get to vent a fuckton about what’s going on and get to also have a ton of fun and throw in “did you know” facts and horrible, horrible puns and dad jokes and then end it with a paragraph that seems like it would be fitting to a rebuttal that was started in the first paragraph because I legit do want to write a rebuttal but I don’t care enough to say much but I love to use the opportunity to vent in a public space (usually here on tumblr when a nice guy anon sends me a question I deem stupid or in a threat on fb that I deem stupid and a nice guy(tm) is mistreating my friends and I have to sigh to myself and step in and make everything better, as per usual, because confusing the masses with doublespeak and making people question whether or not they’re absolute correct information and absolutely wrong information alike is right or wrong is my specialty).

Public venting is the only way that things make me feel better because I need an anonymous audience. I don’t want to force people to listen to me whine, but I need a platform where people CAN listen to me whine if they WANT TO (and surprisingly a LOT of people do lol) and get feedback and help and similar stories and advice and such of their own free will without me prompting anyone or asking for it. Helps a fuckton. Just writing stuff down in a journal or notebook? Doesn’t do a fucking thing for as a coping mechanism. Forcing people to listen to me? Boring and defeats the purpose and isn’t a coping mechanism for me coz that means they’re not actively listening. Like psychologists. People who are fucking paid to listen. I don’t trust people who are active listeners. I need passive listeners. People who will overhear a conversation in a coffee shop I have on the phone with someone in a corner while there’s a group of perfect looking, white, trust fund, fraternity and sorority people chatting and laughing loudly in their expensive brand name clothes in the middle of the shop and have that one person come over to me after I’m done with my phone call to say something about how they like this or that about how I talk or was interested in what I was saying and wanted to know more about x or y. Or something else about a topic or the way I spoke and gestured or something weird like that that really intrigues me and makes me feel heard and appreciated and loved because I never prompted anyone into coming to me. Never.

And that, my friend, is the story of why the grinch stole christmas.

No, that’s the story of why Killian literally needs a public platform to vent on.

Okay now I’m REALLY done. I swear. I promise. I fucking PROMISE lmaaaaoooooo. Sorrryyyy.

Nah, I really hope you’re okay, fam. Coz I certainly most definitely 200% am NOT haha.

Live long and prosper.

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davidsilvercloud · 7 years ago

Photo

Terry David “Butch/Butch Naked” Silvercloud

“Step aside! I shall perform the necessary heroics” Comic Book Guy/The Simpsons

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” - T. S. Eliot

12.6 Million photo views, to date at http://ButchNaked.com. Thank you. At this time I’m getting about 100,000 photo views a week.

Again… thanks for the visits.

TELL EVERYONE. Free photo downloads at

http://BUTCHNAKED.COM

http://Flickr.com/David_Silvercloud

“That’s a great title. It jumps out at you like a rat in your underwear drawer” Moe Sizlack/The Simpsons

My homepage is http://ButchBoard.com

I’m not your average cow in the field.

“I’ve come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.” Homer Simpson

Now keep reading.

THE DAILY GRIND… ARE WE THERE YET?

Monday, 18 Dec. 2017

A cool, grey and rainy kind of day. Got lots of painting done, exercises, selfies. Had the Seattle News Station on TV because of the train wreck just south of the border, here.

I went to bed by 10pm. I'm adjusting my meds program and taking Diclofenac in the mornings, now, to see how that goes. The stomach issues (side effects) have subsided. I don't eat early in the day and it is to be taken with food. The hard part, for me, is eating something in the morning when I have zero hunger for anything but a cup of coffee.

I've been sleeping a bit more trying to adjust my sleep pattern so I go to bed early and get up early... opposite to what I've done much of my life. Days are very short in winter and I want to have as much daylight as I can for painting. Painting in artificial light is difficult to get the colours right.

My painting has undergone rapid change and improvement over the past year as I gain more knowledge and control of the colours. Green is particularly hard to control as there are no artist's green pigments... pure pigment. Greens are made by mixing various blue pigments and yellow pigments. The only natural and reasonably permanent green pigments for artists are rather crappy greens. So, the brightest and most permanent green is Cadmium Green, often called Permanent Green, made by mixing Cadmium Sulfide and one of the blues, usually Cobalt Blue, but sometimes Phalocyan Blue. The best brand, I've found, is Stevenson's Cadmium Green. It can be used right out of the tube and not look pukey when dry.

The shadows of trees are extremely hard to do. Often most painters just let it go black or dark brown. Dark Green is very difficult. I've finally found a mix that dries near black but shows enough nice green to be green. It's a complex mix but uses Liquitex Sap Green fluid body paint to darken a mix of greens made from Permanent Green, Phalo Blue Green, Cadmium Yellow Light. I've done it enough I can tell where the mix is going by looking at the colour I'm seeing. With Acrylic Paints, the wet colour IS NOT THE DRY COLOUR.

While there are lots of Industrial Green Paints, and Dyes, painters require pigments which are both permanent... don't fade easily with light over a long time, and which can be reduced to powder form that mixes with the medium. For instance, you can't get Veridian Green in Acrylics except as a 'hue' (mix) colour... made from several pigments. Veridian pigment simply does not like acrylic medium and goes lumpy.

Veridian is a great 'distance' shade of green when mixed with white... distant trees. Liquitex makes a very nice Veridian Hue in fluid body paint. It dries black but is a blue/green as soon as any white is added.

I'm making adjustments to a number of paintings to incorporate new ideas about contrast and colour I've had. I'm working hard every day on my art to try to get a large number of landscapes completed which I have been working on for a number of years... working out the compositions and building up the paintings. I don't use photos or real life and make up my scenes. Sounds easy but it has a lot of issues to resolve. I've learned it's better to begin with a rough sketch of my idea, then block out the values a bit. I'm a lot better at dreaming up compositions because of 15 years of practice.

I want to work in oils and have many, many unfinished works... I know enough now to complete them fairly rapidly. I'll do that once I complete the 25, or so, Acrylic works I've been working on the past 5 years.

“it’s time to go home. The insurance company said you’re as well as they’re going to pay for” Doctor Hibbert/The Simpsons

THIS IS THE END OF THE DAILY GRIND.

IF YOU HAVEN’T BEEN HERE, BEFORE, HERE IS MORE STUFF TO READ…

"People who have never seen a movie say it's a great movie" Apu/The Simpsons

"There is no God, Ned. It's just an empty meaningless void" Maude Flanders' ghost/The Simpsons

I repeat myself, a lot, because I know humans are really bad at paying attention, and understanding much of anything they read. Quite, bluntly, I consider most humans to be walking, talking idiots. I'm doing as best I know how to save you from your stupidity.

I’m a bit OCD and ADHD and go on, and on, like a dripping tap. Think Sheldon Cooper, if that rings some kind of bell. I gather it’s some kind of need I have to be, constantly, in complete control of everything. I quite simply assume everyone around me is a complete idiot. The humans aren’t doing a very good job of convincing me otherwise. You must prove yourself to me. Seriously, I mean it. I expect to be disappointed. Show me what you’ve got and back it up with proof.

http://DavidSilvercloud.com (Blog) (http://David_Silvercloud.Tumblr.com)

http://ButchNews.com (Video) (http://YouTube.com/ButchNews)

http://ButchNaked.com (Photo Stream) (http://Flickr.com/David_Silvercloud)

http://SeriousThunder.com (Art)

http://ElectronSpeed.Tumblr.com The Electron sets the speed of light… yup. Physics… The Speed of Light, Grand Unified Theory, Gravity, Dark Matter, Dark Energy… how the physical size of the Electron is the clock that sets the speed of light. Gravity is motion and a product of the fact that nothing ever sits still, combined with the magnetic properties of Dark Matter/Energy. Nothing can ever move in an absolute circle and rest is a relativity illusion.

The ENTIRE universe is based upon a simple fact... it must have TWO parts. It can not be otherwise and is impossible to be otherwise. This is because of what a physicist calls "spin".

If you had only one substance to make the universe with and it could be broken down to as small as it needed to be at any time... i.e. it could be so small it barely exists, at all, there will STILL be TWO different types... that is because one can choose to spin LEFT or RIGHT in space. Even turning yourself upside down will not change that fact because there is no up, nor down, in space.

The fact that everything SOLID must have spin, either left or right, introduces opposite forces. Things which spin the SAME way repel each other, those that spin the OPPOSITE way attract each other... clumping begins and so does a universe. Another thing comes into being... what we term magnetism. There MUST be opposite POLES... magnetism comes into being with spin. Spin creates opposites, including North/South polarity. In Atoms, any atom that isn't in balance... has an equal number of left and right spinning Electrons, will be affected by magnetism... and radio waves.

Absolute rest is not possible… ever. The universe can not end. Time is change and is an illusion. It is always now, everywhere, all at once, all of the time. Proof of that is that ANY object MUST be HERE and THERE at the SAME time, no matter how large… even a Galaxy. It is always NOW on both sides… here and there, in space, of the Galaxy… all galaxies, everywhere. Waves can be either physical or electronic. The duality of the universe keeps it ongoing. DNA is the battery of life. When the chains can no longer co-operate, life ceases in the body. Life, itself, is a duality. Time measurement is a relativity convenience.) Time travel is impossible because time is not a place and nothing stays where it was. One year from now the Solar System will have moved about seven BILLION kilometres through space and will NEVER return to where it was… ever.

Earth travels through space like a long wave… it has NEVER, ever made an actual circle, nor ellipse, in space. The circle/ellipse is an illusion of relativity. Nothing can ever travel in an actual circle in space… NOTHING. Nothing can ever go backward. Backwards motion is an illusion of relativity. Time is a repercussion of change and has no fixed rate… things explode or move like a glacier. At best we can only compare rates of change. Our rate of change is called the second/minute/hour/day/month/year system.

NOTHING CAN EVER MOVE IN A TRUE CIRCLE. THE EARTH HAS NEVER MADE A LOOP IN SPACE… EVER. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW.

WATCH VIDEO FOR EXPLANATION OF THE PATH OF EARTH THROUGH SPACE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjohZCMwmI

Earth moves about 7 billion kilometers through space, each year… in a long wave. Earth NEVER returns to where it was before. Earth is NOT an island in space… one of the reasons why time travel is impossible. If you take a trip through space, outside the Solar System, Earth will NOT be there when you return… it will be far, far away. You will have to return to where it will BE when you arrive… remember, it’s moving very, very, very fast through space in a long wave… never a circle, or ellipse.

http://The-Shape-Of-God.Tumbler.com Manuscript of my book… The Shape of God.

Butch, himself. Visual Artist, Photographer, Physicist (Particle, Sub/Atomic Physics/Relativity)

Inhibitions are just so inhibiting, I avoid them.

I’m a friendly, but pretty blunt, kind of guy. No time for beating around the bush. I like to say what I mean and mean what I say. I’m 73 years old. Time is not on my side. You don’t have to like me. I’m a social recluse, anyway. I share my life, in photos, video, and words, to let you into my life and hope to inspire you to be a productive and useful human. I have old age issues but will continue to post, here, while I’m well and able. I talk a lot… I’m told it’s part of my OCD and ADHD. Come direct at http://ButchNaked.com Sign in if you wish to see me naked.

If you don’t know me, the following might help you get to know what kind of person I am. I don’t expect you to understand me. I can be a bit OCD and ADHD.

“They’ve already got more blowjobs than we’ll ever get” Steve Smith (American Dad), talking about college jocks.

“Now let us touch testicles and mate for life” Alien on The Simpsons

“It never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun” Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons.

I’m here to teach you things. While I appreciate other people’s opinions, I really don’t much give a crap what anyone thinks. Until you prove your worth, I will be nice but you have to earn my respect. The moment you say a word, I’ll be figuring you out really, really fast. You should assume that I don’t trust anyone. I’ve not met a single trustworthy person in my entire life. I’ve met lots of nice people who aren’t too bright… well-intentioned folk who know little about anything, people who are nice, most of the time until you say something that offends them. Honourable people agree to disagree.

Look up the phrase “CRITICAL THINKING” then learn to practice it. Most people leap before they look and judge before they listen to the facts. Most don’t have enough knowledge, nor experience, to be experts in much of anything. You don’t know what you don’t know. I like to remind you of that, often.

The only other REALLY IMPORTANT thing to know about me is that I, totally, despise all religions, the teaching of religion, and religious institutions… I despise them as the evilest things on the planet. If you follow a religion, you CAN NOT BE MY FRIEND. THAT’S THAT. You are an ignorant idiot who is an ever-present danger to yourself and everyone and everything around you. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is eviler than religion. I don’t stand for, nor sing, our National Anthem because it praises a fictitious and superstitious being called ‘God’. Only a brain dead moron bonehead ignorant idiot would believe such a thing.

If you have a religion, I will not associate with you… period. You are a danger to be around. Yes, I insult religions… they are extraordinarily evil. I said it, I mean it. You have a right to be an idiot, but not around me. I have a right to defend myself against the horrors of religion and I will. Religion is evil. People who are into religion are, either, brainwashed or extraordinarily ignorant, not very intelligent, a danger to themselves and everyone around them, and must be avoided. I can’t say it enough times. If you have a religion you are brainwashed or too fucking stupid to associate with. Brainwashed, or stupid… either way you are too dangerous to be around. Religion is the number one problem in the world.

http://The-Shape-Of-God.Tumblr.com

I keep a homepage at http://ButchBoard.com

My main video page is http://YouTube.com/ButchNews

go direct at http://ButchNews.com

You may come directly to my photostream at http://ButchNaked.com You may download and share nude photos of me… go nuts.

I have zero inhibitions about nudity and sex. You must sign in to see me naked. I talk, openly, about sex. You may download and share nude photos of me… go nuts.

#Artist #Photographer #Physicist #David Silvercloud #Butch Naked #Vancouver Artist

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