#the one that should've got away
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#nessa barrett#baby cowboy#janesa barrett#icon nessa barrett#icons nessa barrett#nessa barrett icon#nessa barrett icons#icons#church club for the lonely tour#church club for the lonely#club heaven#girl in new york#girls icons#hell is a teenage girl#hiatg#the one that should've got away#young forever#american jesus#heartbreake in the hamptons
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they should put a limit on how many identity crises u can have at once. single file line please
#shitpost#okay im exaggerating a little this one isn't a crisis#i'm just like. do i HAVE to think about this too#i say. as if i'm thinking about any of them <- repression#it was inevitable i should've anticipated this#damn u girl in my new class#i met u last week why are you already hitting me with 'what do you want to be?'#i want. to be done with the semester?#so i can run away into the woods forever?#i don't KNOW girl give me a minute goddamn!#<- said as if I don't have ideas i'm not acknowledging. for reasons#(need to be adored)#okay mortifying ordeal of being known vulnerability session over !!#u got a glimpse into my unmedicated psyche please feel free to study me like a bug <3
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The unresolved sexual tension between these two is what successfully keeps me up at night. Bro, just kiss each other already.(I'm sorry)
#NO BECAUSE WHY IS IT THAT ONE OF THEM IS ALWAYS PUSHINF THE OTHER AWAY#bro the first clip right when Judas approaches him I firmly believe that Judas should've got atleast 5 minutes#but Jesus is soooo damn stubborn#and its because he had to push Judas to betrayal#because in an interview with Glenn Carter he said at the start of the film Jesus finished praying#and was told he had to make Judas betray him by well bwing distant and ignorant#jcs 2000#jesus christ superstar#jcs#2k judas#2k Jesus#glenn carter#jérôme pradon
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as much as it would be on brand if the saltburn cum vinyl ended up leaking I am a little concerned about it
#like historically liquid filled vinyls have not survived too well. and this is from blood recs' sister company#and blood recs fucked up the måneskin vinyl that had a liquid sleeve. so. really i should've thought about that#but i got caught up in the gimmick of it all lmao. oh well#i'll probably store this one away from my other records too. just in case#saltburn#sapph's post
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Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡
So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.
At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.
Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.
I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.
So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.
If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.
#spotatalk#i'm just gonna drop this in the queue I guess?#but I'm writing this on the last day of june so....#whenever this rolls around will be a jumpscare abd a half I guess?#I think honestly I coukd do a full breakdown of the Crew and why they're all expressions of me but like#quick summary is#Reset: Wants approval from people but mostly clings to the past. is afraid of losing his brother and acts on it to bring him back. i#<- I lack that conviction to do whatever you have to to get your way. i worry my brother and I have a weird gap between us we wont repair#Orchid: Uhhh woman. lots of pressure that she had at one time that's now no being pressed but she still tries to live up to it also.#<- I don't like the pressure of being a woman. also gifted-kid who cannot move past the pressures imposed to be 'perfect' and it's screwed#Stereo: Pulled into a situation he doesn't want to be in initially. it's bad for him but he likes the people so he decides to stay#<- I see the good in people. even when they hurt others around me. I was a bystander often and should've left the situations. paralelling.#Monochrome: Afraid. No purpose or preperation in life. soneone offers to guide him and he takes that offer because it's better than home.#<- Kinda self-explanitory but I've got little direction and feel lost a lot of the time. If I'm given a path I usually walk it no hesitation#and... for fun let's do some others!#Haphazard: Cleaning up after others since childhood. he's never really gotten a break and sees any sort of mess as an enemy#-> He's fixing rifts in universes I gotta patch relationships. there's so much conflict and I'm always so overwhelmed by it#Lost: He's got amnesia. no clue where he is. where he's from. who you are. who he is. he'll know when he gets there. he's sure.#-> I've been hsving minor issues with my memory for years. i coukd be forgetful but sometimes it just escapes me and that's spooky#Teddy: Isolated in her universe for years. she self-mutilated until she liked herself. when she finally met people she compulsively lied#-> Much more extreme version of how isolated I sonetines feel. hobbies can't replace human interaction but it's hard#oh and Ichor: God who loves mortals but cannot seem to find ones who will prove hin right for his trust and care#<- I've got a big heart. i express it often but the sentinent is scoffed off a lot. I get beat down about it and just keep moving forward#Pretender: Knows who he is. however the world doesn't like it much so he acts how they expect him to or isolates away#<- I still present femme when I'm nb/agender. i bend and break to people's perception of me. if I can't solve something I run.#okay I feel more insane than when ai started but these stupid skeletons have helped me through so many mental health problems it's only a#little bit funny 🙏
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i have taken to holding my stomach with my hand for support whenever i'm not lying down since it's still rather sore and whenever i become conscious of it it's so fucking embarrassing because i look pregnant bro 😭
#rambles.#i mean no one is here to see it rn but still#the way i got out of the car earlier was so asodifjosefj#i was like please no one see me and come over here fucking asking about my baby i will kms#even the way i move is just.#you should've seen me pacing the floors and cussing the other night while doing breathing exercises like i was going into labor#the severe shoulder pain had me in a GRIP#it still hasn't fully gone away tbh. worst part of the whole procedure other than the IV istg
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best part about season 3 were the flashbacks to season 1<3
#sorryyyy but uhm. i do not get it#sweet home#spoilers#heli liveblogs#rip s1 you will always be famous to me#i do not understand what s2 + s3 were trying to tell#and the one thing i came back for (eunyu hyunsu and eunhyeok)#were so underused#the sibling reunion was underwhelming and then they did nothing with it#eunhyeok didnt even get an arc#eunyu was completely sidelined at the end#sangwook at least got his justice by taking back his agency#but then idk how to feel about the fire thing when the fire was what took away his family when he was a kid....#yikyung was just a womb after all i guess. and she died in vain bc she couldnt even save her daughter#the relationship between the daughter and hyunsu from s2 was nonexistent#and jisu should've survived i'll die on this hill#and ui myeong died and suddenly everything went uphill??#he was a villain yes but he did not have that big an impact#maybe there's sth im not getting tho idk#the only good thing fr was sangwook taking back his strength#via memories of jaeheon and yuri and hyunsu
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*whisper whisper*
There will be a stealth restock of 3 B Size Fairy Dust Midis dropping in 10min (1:15pm CT)
#these arrived along with the missing vetiverfox skirts#i also had a few things to missing from the damaged box but they were only extras & not anything that impacted preorders#so now I've got 3 more fairy dust extras i should've had originally#might as well let you all at 'em right away#get ready if you want one#witch vamp#skirts#shop update#announcement#fairy dust#midi#stealth restock
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Mike crew's scars are biologically incorrect but y'all aren't ready for that conversation
#lichtenburg scars last for one-two days but since they are just bursted blood vessels they don't permanently scar#it's probably just something to make him more cool and vast-y#but still#they technically should've gone away unless he got struck agian#and he would have to do this about twice a week to keep the look up#tma#the magnus archives#mike crew#tma mike crew#the vast
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sometimes when I see people talk about the Chibnall era it truly feels like we watched completely different shows. I think there's genuinely stuff to praise but some of things people are seeing in there just baffle me
#there are people who watched Survivors of the Flux and The Vanquishers and came away thinking Flux was good?#I say this as someone who was pretty positive about the first four episodes - even Once Upon Time which I should've hated#but you've got to stick the landing and uhhh Flux Did Not Do That to put it mildly#'morality is your flaw' 'morality is a strength' this should be the most complex and emotionally fraught conversation in the whole era#and instead they're talking like cartoon characters#and then they hurriedly kill off Tecteun to make way for less interesting villains!!#just to get into one of the many many unsatisfying elements#Ranger shut up about Doctor Who#DW criticism#disclaimer that I'm not judging people for liking it I just wish I could see the version they apparently saw
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can you do some headers of her?
im not good at making headers, sorry if its bad
#nessa barrett#baby cowboy#janesa barrett#nessa barrett header#header nessa barrett#headers#church club for the lonely tour#church club for the lonely#club heaven#girl in new york#hell is a teenage girl#the one that should've got away#heartbreake in the hamptons#american jesus#young forever
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aughhhh. aughhhhhjhhhh
#everhoneignore this post classic rant post i don't have real problems everyone can move along#truly have had such a bad couple of days here and i am not even close to finishing the assignments i need to finish in welding being in#clsss makes me want to quit and die i don't know why i'm so slow i don't know why everyone else can intuit this stuff and improve and#understand how to do it and im always always falling behind if i could try harder wouldn't i be able to do that ive got no drive to push#myself at all i guess i like the english and i can do the physics i thought i at least liked drafting and metals fabrication but i feel so#stupid everything i do makes me feel so stupid and my teacher talks to me like i'm always doing everything wrong when i do some classroom#ettiquette breaches that everyone else does too and i can't get myself to go to sleep on time can't get myself to go in early i have hours#and hours and hours and i blink and it's gone and i've done nothing i should've welded today and gone in early to draft but i didn't because#im stupid and im slow and i can't do anything right i have always been able to square away a little bit of pride on being precise on doing#things well because people are always telling me that i am but i am below average here i just can't do things right and i feel like everyone#hates me and thinks i'm obnoxious and i don't know how to interface with my class or my teacher or how to improve or how to be less anxious#and i feel even stupider for that because i am so stuck up not being able to deal with even a little bit of failure or issue or hardship#and everyone around me is sick all my classmates and people in my dorm are sick im sure it's covid they haven't said it's covid but none of#them would test and i've been wearing a mask again but im certainly been exposed to it already and no one else is wearing a mask anyway so#what difference does it even make and i can hear them coughing in my dorm and in the classroom and when i go to get food and i miss seeing#my friends from philly and everuthing will be terrible forever and ever#alex talks
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A LOT about my new place is not set up but the bookshelves are arranged and my office is fucking beautiful, and really nothing else matters.
#as I typed this out i realized i probably should've finished putting away my FUCKING CLOTHES today but alas#i spend so little time in my bedroom cuz I've got better places to be. so it's fine.#posts that would make even the most amateur astrologer go 'earth sign' at the first item and 'capricorn' at the second#okay but both of them are REALLY nice looking.#the bookshelves have a bit of decor missing and there's one thing the office needs (the end of the desk affixed with a new leg)#but that's IT#also my boy is now in my zoom background which is VERY funny to me#not really like. in a way you can see lol BUT#i will know 😌
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∞ <3
thank u nonnie 🥺
How am I gonna know if I'm never alone? / When I live in the numb and all feeling is gone / I throw it all out the window, all out the window / like it's all I'll ever be. - Luke Hemmings, Bloodline (2021)
send me a ��� and i'll pick you my favourite lyric from a random song
#i was going to put all of my music on shuffle but i skipped like 5 korean songs before i gave up#i don't have the energy to be looking up translations of lyrics tonight to post korean lyrics#so instead we've got my spotify on repeat playlist shuffled#runner up for this one is the line 'ain't no one to tell you run boy run / like i should've done'#also the bookend lyrics abt the walls i love those#honestly lyrically i'm a little obsessed with the whole song actually#ask#anon#ask games#luke hemmings#when facing the things we turn away from
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💀
#my bros fiance and i speaking spanish and giggling and hes like “HEY THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO PLOTTING?”#“I HATE IT WHEN YOU 2 TALK SHIT AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.”#then little bro you should've taken spanish in high school like i did#and got adopted by a few aunties in the community#i still cant speak it well for shit and if its spoke rapidly i can catch pieces#but i can read it pretty well even though i fuck up the grammar#anyway his fiance is like “BABY RELAX WE'RE JUST MESSING AROUND”#“I KNOW MY SIS. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT INHERITED GREAT UNCLE JERRYS MANGO.”#“IF SHE WANTED TO STEAL YOU AWAY I KNOW SHE COULD FUCKING DO IT.”#HEHEHEHE HE CAUGHT ONTO MY PLAN#kidding kidding 😂#my future sis in law is wonderful and theyre a lovely couple shes the best thing thats happened to him#i just like fucking around and finding out yknow?#as for the mango piece our great uncle jerry was...popular#he was a ladies guy and might've been bi too#when my bro started showing signs he had the gift everyone was happy but come to find out i got it too and commence pearl clutching#at least i used my charisma powers for good a la helping my friends get hooked up with people unlike my bro#anyway point to this is BRO ADMITTED I OUTCLASS HIS ASA MUWAHAHAHA!!#20 SOMETHING YEARS IVE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR HIM ADMIT IT#im better!#LMAO#🎶i got more rizzz than yyyOOOOOuuuuuuuu🎶#need a tag for when i share something personal that makes me happy#not magenta but some other pink#anyway im good at flirting but if they flirt back or it gets too weirdly intense: jay.exe stopped working#needs strong emotional connection to continue subscription#stars#cant do it#not today!#not ever actually
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the most devastating shit on earth is that i had a friend in middle school who was like my ride or die. but her only "social media" was Google Fucking Plus. so naturally i have lost her in the wastelands of that shitstorm. but i cannot find her ever again bc she has like The most common name on god's green earth so one facebook search for people with her name in the bronx yields like a million fucking results. so imagine if she's not even in the bronx anymore. 10 million results
#and if by some will from god she's out there wondering about me occasionally too She'd also be shit out of luck#bc my first name is different now. not even close to my birthname. and my last name is a nightmare#i didn't learn how to spell that shit until i was 6 and only so soon bc my mother set aside time to teach me specifically how to spell it#like it was its own school lesson. How to spell my own last name. so i'm not going to imagine someone could ever just Remember That#a decade down the fucking line#but i miss her often. she showed me inuyasha for the first time before rodan even did#we had the most awkward innocent scared quivering animal type lesbianism happening.#i would walk her home even though it meant making my 10 minute walk home into like 45 minutes#she lived in one of the projects and she snuck me in her apartment a few times when her dad wasn't home. that's when we watched inuyasha#one of my ''gifts'' i remember so specifically when we had decided we were dating is. i gave her. a tiny bag of chips.#blinks for a long time at you. i got her A Bag Of Chips.#💀😭 She should've killed me where i stood........#we once kissed because someone said they'd give us 20 dollars for it. We did not get the 20 dollars.#i was mad bc i wanted to split it with her and get snackies at the deli after school together or something. kills my elf#WAAAH i miss her. i miss da bronx too. one day i'm gonna drag rodan downstate to see it all#i want to take him to the bronx zoo and the botanical gardens. but also i just checked and nearly scumpt at the prices#37 DOLLARS..... 💀⁉️ i remember. (said oldly) i remember when it was. SEVEN DOLLARS!!!#whstever fucking happened to wednesdays you get in free. huh#i'm too scared to even look at the gardens now bc Nearly 40 tickets a person. oh My God. vomitworthy#wait oh my god what do thebuses and subway cost now. oh no oh no oh no#okay it's okay. it's a 40 cent difference. idr what a metrocard used to cost so it means nothing that it's a dollar now#but also Why the fuck do the express buses cost SEVEN DOLLARS.... 😭 brother bring that shit back down to five NEOW!!!#it's not even double the standard fare anymore. even if i round up the standard fare That's More Than Double. what#i hate inflation i hate inflation i hate#i'm rambling. walks away fast And my ass
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