#the next part gets really angsty so thats fun.

[emotsper]

Hi!!!!!!!!

You’re like the szai person on tumblr, and even tho I’ve been playing proseka for like two years, I still don’t read a lot of the stories………

So as the certified szai tumblr person, since you kinda own the tag, would you like to explain to me why szai is such a popular ship? I really didn’t read much of anything…

Have fun!!

let me be brief (1/350) (no bc its actually gonna be a long ramble. apolocheese.) (also sorry if formatting is awful im a mobile user and I literally just type whatever)

FOR REAL THOUGH. PLEASE JUST DO ME A FAVOR AND READ MMJ MAINSTORY...... not only its a good source of szai cocaina you get to experience the entire mmj mainstory. i was normal before mmj mainstory and i was less normaler after mmj mainstory.

it simply went even more downhill when i read tenshi no clover. genuinely the one event story that first made me cry (second one was ice drop event but thats a bit biased)

okay now lets get to the main meat of it. szai.

admittedly i was kind of normaler early on but one of my tipping point was Chasing the radiance event especially chapter 7. please read/watch it. please. this specific chapter sent me into my trip of insanity when it comes to szai. it also opened my eye to specific scenes in their side stories/mmj mainsto that i skimmed early on especially bc im a jp only player so fan tls may not be super accurate back then 💔

to start off, airi was a girl that was often made fun of for being tomboyish, and seeing idols for the first time made her feel a glimmer of hope that maybe she can also bring hope to other people. she finally manages to reach her goal and became an idol after several of failed auditions (very deserved especially after her hard work) while shizuku became an idol purely out of luck from the idol grand prix context her friends convinced her to join 😭😭 From the start their relationship feels a little bit doomed with how jealousy is kind of unavoidable from airis side. but against all odds, you get to see airi go to shizuku and cheering her up by giving shizuku her towel and telling her to wipe those tears especially with such a pretty face like hers (MACHINE CLANG CLANG RACK SFX) they are so crazy for this. especially when you realize that shizuku kept the towel until now. (the towel is her area upgrade item)

from this point, airi thought nothing much of shizuku yet other than her being her new rival (and that shes rly pretty) but shizuku sees airi as her main reason to keep going in this idol stuff at that time, and that was enough.

(okay purely for this next part im forgetting a bit so do remember it may not be fully accurate 🙏)

after training minori for awhile, szai went thru a mini divorce arc where airi was telling minori that being an idol isnt all fun and games and that minori should consider quitting, continuing on with how she flopped in the industry bc she was more popular as a reality show figure. but shizuku disagreed and kept saying how airi was an idol through and through and that she shouldn't have quit, but that just tipped airi off and she shouted at shizuku, unloading all her pent up jealousy that she had for awhile now. iconic as hell scene in the most angsty way possible.

u can easily tell this wasn't received well by shizuku. at all. airi you done fucked up. shizuku left her idol group the next day.

(addendum i forgot to add. shizuku truly believed that airi was the first and if not, the only person who sees shizuku as shizuku hinomori herself, without all the idol filter that people plastered on her. so when airi admitted that she was jealous w shizuku getting everything good in the industry, that basically broke shizuku. (color of myself is a nice one to read when it comes to this 🙏 also the i am we are event is a crazy good conclusion to shizukus current arc))

at this point airi realizes just how much shizuku was influenced by her past actions without her fully knowing about it. girl you done fucked up.

this scene is still one of the biggest and strongest kryptonite for szai fans. especially with what happens after.

after confronting shizuku about her choice knowing full well its airis fault, airi, angry at herself, goes immediately to cheerful*days training place (she knows the place since theyve kinda shared the spot iirc) while the rest of mmj follows. she started threatening arisa and almost threw punches but she held back and told the rest of cheerful*days that shizuku is more of an idol than everyone in the room (i may be hallucinating this one. do lmk)

they finally leave the place, and both apologies to each other. at the same time, they both admitted that they were each others idol

and then shizuku goes to tackle hug airi. what the queer

that only concludes the mainstory section btw. upon realizing it may be too much of a recap instead of actual explanation ill be brief w the rest of it (keep in mind i dont read EVERY szai story, just ones i was made aware of bc im playing on jp and story content is a bit harder to see/consume)

Main szai crazies for szai fans

1. chasing the radiance ch7. airi yet talks again about how shizukus hands are slender and elegant while hers are short and chubby (she compared her hands to a manju) and shizuku was mad at her about this and went on a long tangent about how airis gentle hands were the ones who pushes minori and shizuku forward when they think they couldn't.

this is probably the fifth time ive read this story and it still gets me. i hate these fruitsssss. please read the full chapter ive linked it near the start this chapter is so special to me.

2. my ideal idol (airi 5, jp only event for now)

Bro i Dont Even Know What Else To Say. Just Look At This Card

but if we're being serious . lets talk about this one specific card and the story shall we.

this card was a blast to the past; pre-mmj szai again.

we start off with present mmj getting ready for their turn in the joint performance with a new junior idol group that they were paired with. airi was a bit nervous and shizuku noticed it. so she offered to do something that would hopefully lessen the nervousness for both of them. shizuku softly puts her head on airis back and whispered several word of encouragements. shizuku reminisces to the past.

pre-mmj szai. shizuku was very nervous as she was waiting for her first performance ever as an idol. airi was also there, and it was going to be her first too. airi shows up to say hi to shizuku but she noticed that shizuku was really nervous and at the verge of crying. airi knew she had to do something and told shizuku to turn around, shizuku did. shizuku lets out a little surprised yelp as she feels airis hands and head pressing against her back. she could hear airi muttering some encouragement but we never get to hear what the words were, only that shizuku thought about how warm airis hands were. (i need to be euthanized)

back to the present, shizuku says that she hopes that this gesture can somehow "repay" for what airi did to her back then. i think im losing it. sorry

OKAY IM DONE IM DONE ITS ALMOST 1 AM MY BRAIN IS NOT GOING TO WORK ANYMORE IF I KEEP TYPING..... my brain can handle so little. anyways i hope this wall of text ramble can convince u to read mmj mainsto and consume more mmj stories........ i admit its not perfect or whatsoever bc i haven't read the mmj mainstory for awhile and i have a wee memory issue thats paired with my deafness so. yeah. enjoy. haha.

[suethesocks]

Egyptian Ben 10 AU!!

A long while ago i got the idea of making an au where ben is an Egyptian Orthodox Christian (the idea entirely spawned off a joke my friend made about a hypothetical ben like that having to explain his fasting to rook)

At first the idea was gonna be that his parents are Egyptian immigrants and he was born and raised in Bellwood, but last second before finishing his character bio i decided to flip everything over and make this AU *in* Egypt

The timeline i have in mind for these bios are all at around right after the highbreed arc, but also before season 3 straight up starts. I feel like thats a good jumping-on point

In terms of aliens mostly i just get to explore what the aliens would look like as teenagers since uaf and ov didnt really do much with that (they didnt even bother giving wildmutt a tail) and have fun trying to make his flannel into outfits for the aliens. Hoever if i get any cool ideas for entirely revamping aliens id definitely do it

I tried to make fourarms darker skinned not sure if its showing. Id have done the same with stinkfly but the uniforms colorscheme wouldve crashed. I wanted to try giving wildmutt black fur because this ben has darker hair but nothing really quite worked hsjhds wildmutts obnoxious orange is just too iconic

Prep school is mostly an american thing, here the closest equivalent for the early 2000s would be an international school. Also i changed lawyer to doctor as thats the sort of "go-to" job that makes a lot of money, lawyers in egypt arent usually as fortunate

Here she doesnt wear her uniform this is just how she dresses. I tried to fit the cat motif like OS but i couldnt really think of something that fit. If i were drawing UAF or OV gwen in my own take id have given her cat imagery but i think for Jwanas personality it actually makes more sense for her to be boring and lose the cat

Jwanas also a lot more angsty about her magic (and it is magic) since her parents and basically entire surrounding community both Muslim and Christian are very against magic and consider it sin. Shes also a lot more angsty in general because like the bio says shes under alot of stress and is very jealous of ben, which is conflicting because ben is also her best friend and she doesnt wanna feel this sort of animosity to him. She also doesnt realize how much he looks up to her as someone who is a lot more intelligent and disciplined than he'll ever be (for example the concept of jwana having the spark isnt here, ben just can never learn magic because he doesnt have what it takes)

Kevin much like ben is more or less the same as he is in the show. With jwana i went with my own take but Ben and Kevin are more of, culminations of what i think are their best parts in the series and then just fleshing that out more

I felt like the outfit he has in earth-prime works best with a few touchups. Prime kevin has consistently had that rugged guy-who-lives-in-a-garage look so despite being the most basic outfit it works the best with a few touchups

I did change his anatomy, i wanted to make him look like a mutant freak. I gave him this sort of frankenstine's monster posture (a small reference to him being an amalgamation in os). He also has these stretch marks all over his body since his material absorption doesnt just create a coat around him but also alters his skin itself (so these markings arent there for os-era kevin) He also has a lot of weird bumps over his body

This kevin is 100% mutant no alien shenanigans. If i do aggregor i'll uhhh think of something else for him to be. His transition to the lightside is a lot longer and for the majority of the highbreed arc hes not even there hes more of an occasional ally if he feels like helping

Was his dad a plumber or not im not sure tbh, im leaning towards not though

Next post is gonna be a bunch of villains for funsies

[heartofwritiing]

Absent in the spring.

paring: q!wilbur x fem!reader (+ platonic q!philza x fem!reader)

summary: a small vacation to Phil’s beach house causes you to finally break down.

authors note: a follow-up to this fic but you don’t really have to read it. some more q!wilbur angst for you guys because I miss wilbur and tullulah content! also i made it so chayanne and tallulah talk in this lets just pretend the eggs are the human-dragon hybrids that are in fanart bc thats how i see them!

warnings: a little angsty sorry, hurt-comfort, happy end, not 100% following qsmp lore, unedited! please ignore any mistakes!

“how are you holding up?”

Phil’s voice pulls you out of your trance from fidgeting with the blades of grass next to your tucked legs.

You bring your gaze up from the lush green and watch on as Chayanne and Tallulah play tag a few feet away in the field behind Phil’s beach house.

The past month had been weary as you waited for your husband to return from his tour. Days stretched on though you kept going despite that dread in your chest of missing him.

Phil had noticed you seemed less like yourself as the month went on. You were sleeping less, and getting stressed. When he came over to help you take care of Tallulah yesterday he saw how defeated you looked while trying to keep a brave face for your daughter.

Being in an empty house wasn’t fun for anyone, especially when it was too dangerous to go outside on the server alone. So, Phil invited you out to escape that empty feeling, just for a while at least. A walk and boat ride later, you were now sat beside the man with his legs crisscrossed while he munched on avocado toast.

You had shrugged plainly to his question. Fine? Okay? you didn’t know…

Squeals and giggles erupted in your ears as you watched Tallulah finally tag a breathless Chayanne, who had gotten tired of running away from his sister and let her have a turn at the one being chased. Her little legs barely kept up with her taller older sibling as he quickly regained energy.

You couldnt help the smile that was brought upon your lips. Happy they were having such a good time together, being normal for once and not sheltered from the horrors of the server that was trying to harm them every moment. They needed this time, to be care free. To be kids.

You and Phil chuckled at their antics. Though It made your heart break thinking about Wilbur being absent. He wasn’t here to hear the sounds of his daughter's sweet giggles as she played blissfully in the tall grass. To see how she was getting along with everyone, making sure they were happy and cared for.

Wilbur hadn’t sent you a letter in a week. You understood he was busy with tour, you didn’t expect him to have much time to sit and write but your worst agitations were coming true.

The disappointment was settling in each time you would go to the mailbox by the door- you and lullah had spent a day painting and decorating to your liking, with splotches of colors and your names painted across in not-so-straight letters- it would be empty with no sign of even being open since the previous morning.

“I miss him,” you say suddenly to Phil, whose gaze shifts away from the kids to you. You keep your eyes locked on them, fearing that meeting his eyes would make you finally break down into the tears you were holding back for so long.

Phil brings his hand onto your shoulder, a simple symbol of comfort.

“Awe mate, I miss him too.” he said warmly. “he’ll be back soon, im sure of it.”

Swallowing the lump building in your throat, you were so glad you had Phil there for you in these moments. Tallulah had done a good part cheering you up but sometimes you needed a real talk.

"I thought I could do this on my own but-" you choke. "I need him, Phil. He's missed so much and I can't help but think he's gonna feel guilty for not being there for her, or for me."

You let yourself break down in-front of your father in-law finally letting go of everything you’d been holding onto the past month and a half.

Phil placed his hand on your back in support as you sobbed into your hands. The aching pain in your forehead with the slight headache building, the chest pangs told you this cry was long over due.

A tap on your shoulder brings your head out from your knees. You lift your eyes to see Chayanne standing over you, his hand stretched out with a simple white flower pinching between his little fingers. His eyes held nothing but innocence as he looked down on you solemnly. He did not understand why you were so distraught, nor did he care, he just wanted to aid you in any way that he could.

"Please don't cry, Tia Y/N," his voice was small but sympathetic, making your heart sink.

Phil looked so proud in that moment, to see his son come over to aid you with comfort made him perceive he was doing something right in raising a child for once.

Taking the flower from Chayanne, he immediately crouched down to give you a tight hug around your shoulders. Surprised but grateful, you began silently crying as another pair of little arms joined the embrace - you knew it was Tallulah. Finally, you allowed yourself to let go and broke down into tears, feeling their tight embrace.

You were so glad you had these kids. Though they didn’t understand your behavior entirely there was no judgement, only care.

“For what it's worth Y/N, you have us and we will always take care of you both.”

Of course, you knew that. Phil had always been there for you since you first met him. He took his role as a father to everyone very seriously.

“thank you for bringing us here Phil, we really needed this.” you breathe as the kids pulled away from you. Phil gives you a smile of understanding.

-

A few hours passed as you all sat on the dock, watching the last glimmer of daylight fade away over the water - casting a golden glow. Phil suggested a campfire to roast marshmallows. Tallulah and Chayanne were already running off excitedly to gather various sticks to help. Once the fire was going, you all sat together on the sand telling stories, laughing, and enjoying each other's company.

The hole in your heart was healing, and the weight on your chest lifted. You realized that even though life was rough and unpredictable, having a supportive family was what mattered, and you felt content and at peace.

You saw the others smiling, knowing the shared bond was enough.

That night you all slept at the beach house, and for the first time in a month, neither you nor Tallulah had a nightmare.

The journey the following day back to Phil’s was thankfully uneventful. Mostly just shenanigans between the two children. Collecting things like leaves for the scrapbook you and Tallulah were making for Wilbur, documenting all your adventures. Chayanne running ahead to deal with any monsters who dare cross your path.

Upon seeing the tiny house with a fenced yard, you all went your separate ways. As you opened the gate to the yard, the tall purple trees and the various flowers made you miss the tiny home.

Tallulah seemed happy to be back and automatically tried dragging you to see her turtles before you could close the gate. You asked her to be patient while you brought your bags inside.

Walking up to the front door, you heard a crash from inside and you froze. You instantly reached for your sword laying on your hip. Tallulah saw this as a warning and she quickly cowered behind your legs. Preparing for the worst, it could be anyone behind the door. Charlie looking for food, (since he was living near your house in a shed last you heard.) Quackity looking to start another fight about parenting. Or worse the code monster could’ve shown up again to take Tallulah from you.

You would die before that would happen.

Tallulah clung to your legs as you quietly unlocked the door and pushed it open. You gazed down at her and saw her worried eyes.

“If something happens I need you to teleport to abuelito and Chayannes to warn them okay?” You spoke to her firmly in hushed tones, being careful. Tallulah showed you the tiny purple stone for a quick getaway and indicated she understood.

The house was exactly as you left it, except for the suitcase and guitar bag resting against the sofa, which made you frown. Then realization settled in and a gasp escapes you.

Was he here?

Or was this another trick?

As you lowered your sword, you heard someone rustling down the ladder. The wood creaked with every step as the person in the yellow sweater came into view. With round glasses leaning down his nose, fluffy hair, and long limbs, you’d know him anywhere.

Wilbur felt relief wash over him as he stopped midway on the ladder and saw you staring at him in disbelief. as if he were a ghost. It pained him slightly. You couldn’t believe it.

Wilbur was back.

Tallulah peeked out from behind your legs and the tiny gasp she let out when she saw Wilbur. She ran into his arms and cried out;

"Papa!"

Wilbur grinned as his tearful daughter ran towards him. He scooped her up in a tight embrace as you watched, tears streaming down your own cheeks. He held her swinging back and forth gently trying to hush her cries. She was so happy to finally see him again. You had never seen such a wonderful sight of the two people you loved the most in this world.

“I missed you so much Tallulah!”

Wilbur rested his head on Tallulah’s and smiled sideways at you and reached out his arm. Without hesitation, you dropped your sword, which clanked loudly on the ground, and you rushed into his embrace.

You bury your face in his neck, holding onto his scent, his body, his everything. Never wanting to forget how he felt and sounded. Tears stream down your face, drenching his sweater, but you don't care. This time, they flow out of love and happiness, not frustration or sadness.

You all cried and held onto each other for dear life.

“I missed you so, so much my love,” he coos in your ear causing you to choke out a laugh. After missing his voice for months you were so elated to hear it again.

Wilbur sniffled as he squeezed you both tightly in his arms, never wanting to let go.

“I’m here my girls, and I am never gonna leave you again,” he whispers.

This was home.

End

[mazzystar24]

Hello, I hope you are having a good day. I was wondering if I could ask your thought and possible speculation for next episode. I've read what you've answered so I hope this is not a redundant ask.

I know and we all know that this is gonna hurt Buck to feel left behind to be replaced even maybe not feel good enough to be Eddie's friend (or more but my shipper heart need to calm down) and most of us realise that this is most likely, hopefully the time where buck is gonna realise that he feels more towards eddie. But my question is more regarding Eddie, what do you think happens in his pov? Like eddie doesn't have the same problems as buck regarding abandonment issues but he knows buck has them. You think he gonna realise them like during their basketball fight or after (that is gonna hurt to watch) or maybe someone will point it out? And if he realises it would he also go on a journey to realise his feelings or at least have him question why buck feel that and him wanting buck to realise that he should never think eddie will leave him?

And last then I'm stopping cause I don't want to be a bother, but what about Christopher? You think he's gonna be mentioned? Maybe Tommy mentioning him or something switch the flip for buck to start a fight (I know it's mostly and accident but I dont know how else to put it) or eddie uses christopher to anchor him (more episode 7x05 I guess then)? But that feels like the first one hurts way too much and the second like eddie would mask his feelings by using Christopher as a sort os middle ground/shield.

Sorry for the long ask is just that I ve always been the person whose friends preferred other friends and never picked for teams that sort of thing so just the sneak peak hurts to see and I wanted some insight and I've really liked your take on the whole thing. Also, fun fact the only person that did pick me I ended up marrying so eddie please take note lol

Hey anon thanks and you too! <3

I think Eddie’s perspective is super interesting to get into this episode because I genuinely think that he genuinely doesn’t realise that buck could be jealous because in his head he’s reassured Buck so many times and he himself is so self assured in their friendship and their places in eachothers lives that I think it genuinely doesn’t cross his mind at first to even think buck may be jealous. Like you saw him in that sneak peak like he saw buck and started bouncing on his heels like OMG BUCK IS COMING? YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THATS SO GREAT!!!!!🥰😍👏🏽👏🏽

I think like when he sees the jealousy that seems to be apparently directed toward him over tommy(??) and also towards him having other friends that he’ll be a little pissed and hurt and confused inside but nothing like deep or angsty I think he knows buck enough to like understand how deep his insecurities lie and will very easily overcome this little conflict

I don’t think from his perspective he’d question buddie things based off of this because their relationship has always been different than other friendships and buck has always been very insecure in general so he may hash it up to that, but if buck were to point out that not only is he feeling replaced on a friendship level by Tommy and maybe mention something about Marisol it could cause a little 🤨👀👀👀 moment but I think that’s the secret optimist in me

Ah stop don’t worry about being a bother I legit love these asks, on the Christopher front I think that’d be hard to fit in but would be cool to see, like I think that based off interviews it’s supposed to be a very lighthearted episode so I’m not expecting an overt amount of angst. But Chris is such a huge part of Eddie’s life and this is a character driven episode so I can see them mentioning him. Also I sorta made a joke about this but I can see them not so subtly comparing player Chris at the start of the season to this funny little jealousy thing going on between buck and Eddie.

Again DONT APOLOGISE FOR THE LONG ASKS AND I WONT APOLOGISE FOR THE LONGASS RAMBLING ANSWERS (that’s a lie I will continue to do that but I’m a hypocrite) I totally get what you mean like that is such a shitty feeling but I don’t think that this episode seems to be that angsty so hope it’s lighthearted for you too when it airs. That last part was so adorable btw yes Eddie should take notes from you and your spouse 😌

[pool-floatie]

Starlet- Oneshot

Kids im back with the milk-

I am working on so much behind the scenes shit right now but this got done first, next we will probably get more bloodlusty vampires unless I suddenly decide different.

But GUYS I FINALLY WROTE COMFORT-

Like its angsty at the beginning but they need a reason to be comforted- d Uh

Please for the love of mE - emjoy :3

All Akari needed was the stars, they were a constant in an ever changing world, listened to her problems when she had no one else, creating beauty even in the darkest of times.

What she really needed right now though... Was a hug... A friend... Someone to tell her that things would be ok...

All she wished for in that moment was for that to be..

The trail of a comet flashed above her for a brief moment, wisping away almost as quickly as it had appeared.

she heard a vast wind rush overtop the trees, turning to look she couldnt see anything, -there wasnt any wind before... - She thinks.

A deep chuckle riverbates through the still air surrounding her, and she stiffens.

"So you're the mortal who summoned me... Such a strong pull, and such a bright aura, oh! lavender colored, what a sight ~ you certainly are quite a wondrous little thing, my, my...."

A shift in the air brings Akari's attention in front of her and her jaw drops taking in the sight.

There stands an enormous glowing being, bright white with flecks of golden stardust about them.

Their body starts to form and become more detailed and she can see their face and body take shape. Six limbs- four arms and two legs- take shape out of the glowing mass, Sharp white eyes open, a flowing tuft of hair floats above them, gently swaying like flames atop their head, and stardust dots their body like golden freckles.

"Oh, h-hello.." Akari said awestruck and nervous

"Hello little one, apologies for the exciting entrance." it said a bit embarassed trying to hide its excitement

It kneeled down and leaned forward trying to see the little human better, one pair of arms resting in their lap while the others rested, palms down in the grass

" its good to meet you, starlet, you may address me as Libra." it said in its airy tone.

Akari sat confused, but decided that this dream could be fun to engage with.

"Akari" she said, sticking out a hand towards the being.

Libra stared down at them and blinked in confusion.

" ah! This is your earthling welcome, yes!" they realised.

They reach out to the small woman, pinching her whole hand and part of her arm, before lifting it up and down slowly.

Akari grinns, the contact making her hand tingle with warmth.

Libra releases them and Akari thinks she sees a smile on their bright face.

"So... why exactly are you here?" Akari asks looking quizically up at them.

" you ,, dont know? You summoned me here with your wish!"

"My,,, my wish?? I didnt make any wishes ... "

Libra looks puzzled for a moment.

Akari goes to speak, but they stop as libras eyes glow blue, making a strange buzzing sound. They are no longer focused on akari, completely still.

After a few seconds Libras eyes blink back to white.

"ah! wow~ a rarer case indeed! It seems it was your emotion and thoughts that powered the wish, I knew I felt that strong energy in you, but enough to power a wish without a word being spoken ... " Libra said in awe.

"huh... Oh!- oh... "

Akari sighed, remembering her earlier feelings, her frustration and sadness.

"I, I think I know... what it was..." she said, resigned.

Libra tilted their head, giving the human a look of concern.

Akari didnt really want to tell a cosmic being a hundred times her size about her life problems.... But this was a dream anyway so...

"I have to move again..."

"mmm.. No thats not it .... Your aura didnt flare up...." they quickly interject

Libra looks down at the human with pity, truly wanting to help her. They lean forward a tad more.

" Whats really troubling you, little one?" they ask gently

Akari flushed in embarassment and shame, would this cosmic being judge her? Well...

"One of my roommates outed me as gay and now all the girls in my dorm think im a pervert-" Akari blurted

"They already started spreading rumors about me and reporting me to the landlord for stupid shit- so, I'm leaving before it ... gets worse...."

"Oh my... Thats certainly a predicament..." it sympathised but seemed confused , they continued.

"... Is humanity against happiness?" they asked mournfully, their light dulling a bit, seeming to know more than they were letting on.

Akari looked thoughtful for a moment, the cosmic beings words resonating with her.

"Wow,,, thats a... way of putting it... I mean, yeah, heh, every politician is against the queer community, anyone I try to get a job with or if I- lm just trying to find somewhere to fucking sleep, someone takes issue with 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 about me!... even when I tried to tell my family, they rejected me, too, haha! so yeah, your right, we fuckin' hate happiness."

She laughed a bit unhinged-ly while describing the absurdity of it all, the people she had encountered, the trials of her life, it seemed impossible to talk about without turning it into humor.

Akari rested her head atop her knees, looking goomily past the starlike being and letting out an indignant huff before falling onto her back and closing her eyes.

A moment passes and akari thinks she sees the immense light shift before she feels that same warm feeling, but, around her body?

Without a moment to think her body is hoisted up. As her eyes open she sees the towering form of libra, now holding her in their enormous open palm.

They flash her a pitying look before facing up, the other upper hand cupping around the confused human. Before she can even say anything, Akari is pressed down into the palm, the G force making movement near impossible, she cant see where they are going, only seeing the white light emenating from the enormous beings hands, she can only trust that the weird dream entity is as benevolent as they seem.

Akari can feel them coming to a slow stop as the force lets up and allows her to move again.

She tries to sit up, dazed , as Libra's hand lifts off her.

Looking around she can see nothing but immense darkness save for the being of pure light that holds her.

She turns to face said being, who looks excitedly at their passenger.

"hello little starlet~"

Libra said, its two overlapping voices echoing eachother.

"Hi, where the hell are we." akari snips, a bit jittery.

Libra dims again, shepishly pointing down with their upper hand while their lower pair fidgets nervously.

Akari gives them a confused look before they carefully creep towards the edge of her cosmic captors' hand.

Gripping the sides, they look over.

And immediately jump back, seeing 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘢 below them.

" ah, I see." she says calmly.

"Just a few questions for ya;"

They inhale

"Why in the s h i t did you do this and also 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘯 𝘨𝘰𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘮 𝘐 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸 ?"

" aha! Its all ok! You can breathe just fine, please dont freak out!!"

Dispite being concerned about oxygen, Akari starts to breathe rapidly.

" theres no way im - in space right now - oh my god i - could die."

At this point they had completely forgotten that they were supposedly dreaming, focused more on the 'being manhandled by a cosmic giant' and the ' being in space millions of miles above the earth' thing.

"Human please relax, I brought you here to relax.." libra tries to explain

" this is not - relaxing!'

She says between breaths.

Libra looks disappointed, this was such a nice spot to stargaze, they really wanted the human to see...

But there was something else it Could try.

Gently, the glowing being closed their upper hands over the panicking form in their palm.

Before she could react to being enclosed, Akari again felt that immense warmth that could melt her, all over her body it felt tingly and content, she felt her muscles relaxing despite herself.

Finally she let herself be consumed by the feeling, relaxing and not worrying about any perceived danger that had her brain reeling just moments before.

Just as she did this, the lovely warmth started to dissipate, pulling off her despite her grabbing onto one of libras bright digits, a silent request for them not to stop.

Libra snickered at the cute display, bringing the girl out of her stupor.

She jerked her hands back and tried to suppress the enbarrased blush that filled her face.

" Sorry..."

Libra said

" N-no your fine" she said sheepishly

" No.. For scaring you..."

"Ah, that. Well,, uh I guess you can fly us to space and shit and im assuming you ...Magicked me to be able to breathe despite lack of oxygen?"

" you got it!" they affirmed, their cheerful tone reappearing.

"And I had good reason to bring you here! Look !"

Their lower arms gestured to the darkness before them as they beamed down at the little human.

".... Uhhhh... Wow?" akari said confused

"can you see something I cant?" she questioned, looking back at libra.

"Oh! right."

Libra dimmed, voluntarily this time, until they were only about as bright as a glow stick.

Finally, akari could see why even a cosmic being would appreciate such a place.

From earth, smog and light pollution would block most people from clearly seing such things.

But here, above the ozone layer, Akari could clearly see the milky way, its soft trail across the sky lived up to its name, fading softly at the edges into the rest of the cosmos.even still it was so stark, the white path cut the sky open like a geode, its center sparkling with stardust that flashed different colors as if it was being turned in the light.

She stared in awe as Libra looked on with a soft smile, occasionally sparing a glance at its little passenger to make sure they were alright.

They let the moment pass before speaking.

" Starlet. In the vast expanse of the cosmos, there are disasters , black holes, collapsing stars and other destructive things..."

Its three free hands gestured wildly, illustrating their words.

"But even from those, beauty is born. This nebula, your galaxy, was created from a collapsed star, it exploded, causing all around it to be thrown into chaos and confusion."

A look of sorrow flashes on libras face for a moment.

" But still, your planet thrived, using what was left to build a new world; one filled with life, with community, with love. Life does find a way."

They offer a gentle smile in reassurance.

" I believe you will find that.... your life does as well." they conclude.

Looking back to her newfound friend, akari feels her chest warm, swelling with an overwhelming feeling.

She lunges at the curled fingers, giving the pointer and middle the hardest squeeze she could manage, doing her best not to tear up.

Libra gushes at the adorably sweet gesture, and they cant help themself.

They pull the human close to them, belringing her into their chest, close to their glowing core.

Akari feels herself enveloped again, a simmilar feeling as before, but now filled with adoration and positive energy coursing through them, an immense, all consuming, all encompassing hug of pure affection and amorousness.

Unlike the melting, relaxing feeling before, she now felt a stronger sense, she felt Libras intention, its emotion and power guiding her thoughts and feelings, helping her to embrace and bring forth her inner strengths, akari could feel her self esteem break through the shroud of frustration and pain that had entrapped it, it swelled within her and she felt empowered, appreciated, and... 𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥.

[saltyr3mix]

EVERYONE ELSE GO HOME YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD FOR THE NEXT HOW EVER LONG THIS TAKES YOU TO READ. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS.

Ladies, gents, all of the above below and in between here is my rambles about new life sparrow because he has infested my mind like the skulk that infests him.

OK WERE DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH THIS GUY

Okokokokookokooo SO

We love a flawed character who has good intentions and a not so good way of showing them. he comes off as over enthusiastic and insensitive at first with his studies of hybrids. which is....just a tad bit relatable as someone often seen as energetic i can be too much for people at times so i get it.

Also everyone that drew the parallels between the way Sparrow talks about hybrids and O!Owen talked about demons is correct. it's terrifying. and if sparrow ever goes down that arc i will write incredibly angsty fanfiction about it and cry.

If you haven't already im going to point anyone reading this in the direction of my New life smp fic, Storming sacrifices on ao3 by Salty_R3mix cause thats where a lot of this next part comes from.

i head cannon that on New life when players die/switch hybrids they have to fall into a coma like state to do so and it takes time in between those shifts. Sparrow is on the longer side of these shifts for the more drastic the change the longer. to go from human to machine and then machine to skulk. thats like a solid month or two of their body just reforming and recreating. both times.

ALSO THE MOST RELATABLE THING ABOUT HIM.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE HUMAN.

WHICH IS JUST SO SAME BESTIE LIKE IF I LIVED IN A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE GET COOL TRAITS AND MAGICAL POWERS AND I WAS JUST BORING? YEAH I WOULD STUDY THEM AND TRY TO BE ONE TO! BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME MY LOVE FOR FANTASY AND MAGIC ISN'T ALREADY BASED OFF THE NEED TO ESCAPE THE REAL WORLD BECAUSE IT SUCKS AND ITS BORING ANDGHYKULKNBVGVUKL

Anyway hes also insane. like, i get it. but also you could have found a away to make the process less painful im sure. hes smart. but his egarness got the best of him.

Anyway one of my favorite things to think about and debate is the 'chip' in his head. cause to me and my messed up little mind that has read well over at least 20 hours worth of sbi hybrid fanfiction in the summer of 2022. to me that just sounds like instinct. hot take but i don't think it was that big of a deal. what was wrong with the situation was prior to becoming a copper golem, Sparrow was human. if any other hybrid became a copper golem. they would be a lot less bothered by it. Sparrow was not used to that sheer level of inhumane instinct that it overwhelmed him and he just let it. t Not knowing what else to do. until eventually getting so lost and consumed by it that he had to you know....blend himself.

I miss him though. i like robots. and he was so fun to draw. i draw him all the time. just because the design i made for him is one of my favorite things ever.

OH AND SKULK SPARROW. THIS MAN. HE IS SO MESSED UP. THE NARRATIVE CAME CRASHING DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM AND SCREAMED THAT HE IS DOOMED.

I haven't seen a character so demised by the narrative that wasn't my own since outsiders Apo and maybeeeeeeee Celio form wtd. beside the point.

He is so overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time its iconic. one seconded hes lonely after copper literally abandoned any former relationships. the next he can hear things through the skulk. but then he brings a guy down. kills him. decides to build a gate. AGAIN. WE KNOW HOW THIS ENDED LAST TIME OWEN. WHEN HAVE GATES EVER WORKED IN YOUR FAVOR. i think it's just a cannon event for them at this point. Owen with gates and Apo with levers. (GUYS IM JOKING HERE. DON'T CARY THIS CURSE INTO PIRATES PLEASE LET THEM BE HAPPY FOR ONCE)

Ok yeah. Im really excited to watch skulk and other versions of sparrow later realize that no matter what monstrosity he ends up as. he'll never be as free as he was human again. Every hybrid comes with their own form of instinct that he will be forced to follow. some lighter than others. and hell, even if he does end up as human again the effects are still there forever lingering.

ALSO I AM HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH THE 'Wait? His name is sparrow but he still answers to Owen. this clearly must have lore implications.' PEOPLE. To anyone who has ever had that thought you are the best. i've read i think 3? fics based of it and oh my word im obsessed with that idea and the different takes on it.

and here is where i come to a close. do i have more to say? probably. but my hands hurt and my thoughts are slowing in pace so if you want more feel free to ask id be overjoyed but ask another day. i mean i didn't even touch on his interactions with the other players.

i am so clearly sane and stable about this character btw. i don't know what made you think otherwise.

[crguang]

I want to let you know that I actually squealed when I saw that there was a new part of wasted w longing, so that was embarrassing. I giggled so much, love me some domestic fluff, I also gasped so hard at the ending that I started choking. can't believe you updated while I was in class so didn't see it until later.

kafka is so smug I hate her, I want to kiss her on the mouth so bad she's such a weirdo, but at the same time, I'm mad at her, I'll forgive her if she comes home early on my pulls tho, and also some kafka groveling, very excited to see that. also the writing is so good, like at the end I was questing everything about r's encounter's w kafka. and you said replying to someone else's ask that kafka cares atp. wdym atp? istg I love angst but I can't handle angsty endings being w out kafka also you said himeko is going to show up again, and I know that'll be funny. the cliffhangers are killing me, but I'm really excited for the next part, the plot is plotting. also the way at the beginning I literally said out loud, "oh she just got shot, it's okay."

the wanted poster is so funny, like whoever wrote it down must've seen footage of her shooting people as she breaks into somewhere and thought, damn, she is hot as fuck, and tbh that was my thought process when I watched kafka's trailer the first time.

hope your first day at uni was good! if you made me loose my 50/50 I'll---

-🌠

not the squealinggg thats so cute im flattered. it’s funny whenever yall say i post when yall are busy because it’s always 4 to 6 am here i have a horrible sleep schedule 😭 i loved writing the more domestic part cause that’s the first time they actually spend time together without sleeping together and it was kinda cuteee, if you ignore the getting shot part.

“i hate her i wanna kiss her on the mouth shes such a weirdo” is exactly how i feel about kafka im so glad im not alone… also, i meant that at this point of the story kafka already knows that she likes R; she goes out of her way to look out for them, she stares a lot, wants to help them through their dilemma and other stuff that’ll come later. in her mind shes not in love with them but she does like them. i think due to her closed off nature, a lot of the little hints of how she feels are in the way she looks at R and since this is written from R’s (sometimes unreliable) perspective, i mentioned how they can’t read her eyes yet so to them there’s no reciprocation right now. and now that they’re mad at her everything she does will feel disingenuous when it might not be. it’s tricky to write bc as readers i want people to be able to tell that kafka cares even when she’s being a little shit while also staying true to how R sees things. i do think it’ll become much more obvious starting from the next chapter tho cause there will be some grovelling involved lmfaoo.

also this was literally her at the end:

r: i will call the police on you.

kafka: i am so attracted to you right now

its funny, R is always making themself available for her and has been doing that from the beginning so kafka’s very used to this behavior and its the reason why she’s so fucking smug. but now she’s seeing a new side to them that she really likes. they’re standing up for themself and i think it’s a quality that she’d find really attractive in a person. but yeah it’s fun i love this series mainly because the idea mostly came from anons so i love hearing what yall think about it.

my first day at uni was nice!! im looking to getting my shit together honestly, i feel like an actual adult now so hopefully it helps with my mood as well and makes it easier for me to be productive cause i dont write fast at all. if you lose the 50/50 bc of me i’ll write whatever you want as consolation prize

[ittybxttykxttytxtty]

everytime i read your updates, the first thing that always comes out of my mouth is "omg" in all emotions...happy, sad, extra sad, extra angsty sad 🥹

“Sorry.” He hums, uncurling his body from around you and lying back.

this is a crime, how dare you uncurl away 😮

The very thought of leaving his bed created a physical ache inside of you. You wanted this, you wanted him, and you wanted so much more than he was probably willing to even give.

im begging you...please talk it out. please talk everything out 😭

It had taken every ounce of control in Billy’s body, every shred, every atom of it, not to reach across and pull you back into his arms.

all im saying is take that control and shove it up the stalker's ass 😌✨ we dont need that around here 😌✨

What label would you even put on that?

generally? idiots to lovers. specifically? strangers to mates to trauma buddies to pervy!neighbors with a hint of emotion to friends to boss x employee to ex!hook up to trauma buddies again to currently roommate to whatever chelsea decides next honestly 😂 and we love that for us 💖

Billy was forever haunted by a day you would know him, really know him, and not turn away, or leave.

omg, i havent even thought of the reader finding out about the panther business stuff 😌🔫

That he didn’t like you like that, that he was just letting you stay here because he was nice. This was nothing more than pity, and held no meaning beyond friendship.

we should put i tape over the mouth of your conscience. we dont need that kind of negativity in our life 😌🔪

“I can’t remember a single thing about myself.” You whisper to him in horror.

this is me during the first days of being in college, i hated that introduce yourself stage 🥹🔫 idk who i am, please dont ask 🥹🔫

He wants to know me, you think affectionately.

THIS IS THE KIND OF THINKING WE NEED. STAY IN THIS KIND OF HEAD SET, PLEASE AND THANK YOU. 💕

"Good girl.”

everytime, everytime billy says this an angel gets its wings. fly high, lil cherub. 😌✨

You swallow.

resolve that issue fast enough and you'll be swallowing his big load instead. 😌✨

“It’s my favourite place for a nap. I think you’ll like it.”

all i can imagine is his panther napping while his tail wagging in relaxed form

We can, he’d responded, but you don’t need a suit. Wear whatever you’re comfortable with.

congratulations, you played yourself. in an instant i already knew what baby girl was going to do 😂😂😂

okay, im not gonna put every line i liked in this part because it will just be the whole part of her describing the pool and thats like a portion of this chapter. it must feel so nice and relaxing tho like imagine swimming in a dimly lit pool with rain falling and the fucking forest sound?!?!?!?!? im immature so id play in the pool like i was in the movie waterworld or recreate that scene in the latest Jurassic park movie, the one where bryce dallas howard was slowly swimming her way to safety. all in all, it feels fun having that kind of pool and now i want one. so thanks for that 🥹✨

Billy’s losing control. Fast.

lose it fasterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The panther had rejected this argument. The panther was currently trying to urge Billy into removing his clothes and joining you.

GO GO PANTHER GO!

Was this the right idea? Should he give you more space?

how much more space does she neeeeeddddd?!?! at this point she'll be even farther away than pluto 😭😭😭😭

“Well, I spent most of my time in the woods. I’d break into abandoned cabins and stay until peak season. I’d read whatever books I could find, and explore the forest to pass the time.”

....

"I’m not sure.” You whisper softly, worried about his reaction.

this is valid, take your time baby girl 😭😭 dont listen to me, im like an irrational thought you always ignore. 😭😭😭

“Don’t feel sorry for telling me how you feel. I’d rather you stop me now, than regret it, or feel bad about yourself later.”

I SEE YOU, MS. CHELSEA. I SEE YOU.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE SEXY THAN A MAN WHO RESPECTS YOUR BOUNDARIES. 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

honestly, the pool stole the spotlight, ik you already described it in the chapter before but like..in action? beautiful 💕

im kidding, the emotions, the yearning, the little tidbits about billy 🥹

Teeth

Part 18

Werepanther!Billy Russo x Female reader

Masterlist

Warnings: Conversations about stalking and being afraid, some sexual frustration.

You woke up in his arms. A deep sigh when you realise your face is buried in his chest, his scent wrapped as tightly around you as his body was.

Your leg is kicked over his hip, your nightgown rucked up but you barely care, not when his soft breaths are tickling your ear like that.

You can’t help it, your hand rubbing his back, appreciating the feel of his skin.

He lets out a soft sigh, waking slightly the more you begin to shift beside him.

“Sorry.” He hums, uncurling his body from around you and lying back. You withdraw your leg, sighing and stretching your arms upward, back arching naturally to help you wake up.

You yawn, groaning a little as you rub your eyes. 

You feel good. Really good. You’re well rested and you feel so calm, turning on your side to look at him shyly. He blinks slowly at you, fighting sleep.

“Hey.” You say on a raspy breath, closing your eyes for a moment as they sting a little in protest at being open.

“Morning.” He replies, his voice is deep and rough and sends tingles of delight over your skin. Fucking hell, his voice in the morning was divine. You wanted to hear him speak more.

“Hope I wasn’t too much trouble.” You mumble, eyes still closed.

He makes a small hum.

“No, you-” He breathes out a small sigh, “You were perfect.”

God, you wanted to record his voice and save it for later. You could feel your body slowly getting aroused, you peek an eye open to glance at him, observing his shirtless form.

Is this what waking up with him would have been like? Close, perhaps, but if you had woken up with him that morning after you’d had sex, you wouldn’t have been able to stop touching him. 

Unlike now, where you were only close enough to feel the residual heat of his skin.

Wow, this was a really confusing situation. 

You definitely shouldn’t stay, despite how badly you wanted to. He was a friend right now, and nothing more.

The very thought of leaving his bed created a physical ache inside of you. You wanted this, you wanted him, and you wanted so much more than he was probably willing to even give.

Your throat closes up, you feel tears pool in your eyes. You blink fast to get rid of them.

Sitting up, you avoid looking at him and you scoot your way to the edge of the bed.

“See you at breakfast.” You murmur lightly, walking out of his room and back to yours.

.

It had taken every ounce of control in Billy’s body, every shred, every atom of it, not to reach across and pull you back into his arms. 

He’d even held his breath at one point, your scent so thick in the air, soaked into his sheets and lingering on his very skin, another gulp of your strawberry scent would decimate his self control. 

He wasn’t sure what words could be used to define a relationship like yours. His employee that he’d slept with once before he fucked up and you ended things with him, in his bed, because you were too scared to sleep alone after he’d brought you to his home to protect you from someone following you.

What label would you even put on that?

Luck, Billy thinks, because it gave him a second chance, one he would not destroy again by coming on too fast or leaving you alone. Something sours in his stomach at the idea of him considering this situation lucky, there was still someone out there after you, not that they would ever get another chance to be near or hurt you again. He would make sure of it.

The panther inside of him had been silent, placated by a night beside you, hums of serenity in his head, which had only stopped the moment you’d gotten up and left the room. 

Billy was forever haunted by a day you would know him, really know him, and not turn away, or leave. He was tormented by thoughts of you, by the ways you could bring him to his knees if you so wanted.

He’d do anything for you.

The concept of it didn’t even frighten him.

.

Billy makes a little sound to get your attention, and you turn to him with the kettle in hand.

“The kettle has a short somewhere and doesn’t turn on unless it’s in the right position, here-” He extends his hands out to you and you curiously place the kettle, halfway filled with water, into his hands.

You watch him angle the kettle slightly before slipping into the base and clicking it on. The little light in the on switch turns red for a second before blinking off. 

You’re mildly amused as you watch him swear under his breath, flipping the switch off, before turning it back on again. This time, it stays on and begins heating the water for your tea.

You give him a little smile of thanks when he turns to face you, not even bothering to ask him why he doesn’t just get a new one, before he’s explaining it to you.

“It was a housewarming gift from my friend.”

You nod in understanding.

“It’s probably not that hard to fix. I can take a look at it while I’m here… If you’d like.” You offer, already thinking about the tools you’d need to strip the wires.

He nods, tilting his head a little, looking at you with a depth in his gaze that makes your stomach feel like it’s twisting.

“Thank you.” Billy says, taking a step forward.

He takes another step and you swallow, hands curling into fists.

Was he going to kiss you?

You have to tilt your head higher the closer he got.

You jerk in surprise when the kettle clicks off behind you and he’s reaching for it.

Right…

You press your teeth together as a flood of negative emotions flood your mind. That he didn’t like you like that, that he was just letting you stay here because he was nice. This was nothing more than pity, and held no meaning beyond friendship.

It almost chokes you, the pain in your chest is searingly sharp.

You blink, pretending everything is alright, turning to watch him pour steaming water into two mugs.

“Sugar?” He asks, after placing a tea bag into each cup and letting it sit for a while.

You tell him how much, and you watch him prepare your tea how you like it, looking up at him, desperate to see more of this side of him, yearning to touch him.

You find yourself looking out of his windows, looking at your own apartment in the distance.

You can’t see much since the curtains are drawn, but you imagine what he could have seen when they were open.

It makes you a little uncomfortable now, that you know he wasn’t the only person watching you. That there was someone else peering into your life, enjoying your suffering. Why else would they have photographed the robbery instead of helping you? 

“Can I ask you something?” You ask softly, deep in thought, still staring at your shut curtains.

“Anything.” He replies.

“You’ve seen the photos. What do you think he- the stalker I mean- what do you think they think of me?”

He looks up at you for a moment, and doesn’t say anything until you glance at him curiously.

“I’m not equipped enough to give an analysis-”

You smile.

“Fair enough. But I just want to know what you think.”

He inclines his head, sliding your mug of tea over to you.

“Dinah said yesterday, that they might want you to feel scared, maybe they enjoy that.”

“Yeah but, don’t I look scared enough?” You say with a laugh.

“Maybe not.” He answers softly.

You smile sadly, shaking your head.

“So this person thinks I’m weak? Or… vulnerable?”

“If that’s what they think then they’re wrong.”

“Are they?” You mumble beneath your breath, looking down into your tea.

He tilts his head down, to find his way into your line of sight. You smile when you notice the odd way he bends to get your attention.

“Yes. And it doesn’t matter what this person thinks of you.” He follows easily.

“They’ve been watching me for a while, seeing way more intimate moments than I probably even know. What if this person knows me better than anyone?” 

Your heart squeezes in your chest, paranoia filling you, the idea that you really were just weak and scared becoming your most defining attributes.

“Then tell me something.” Billy says decisively.

You look up at him warily.

“What?”

“Tell me something you’ve never told anyone.” 

The corner of your mouth twitches up in amusement. You try your hardest to come up with something and fail. 

“I can’t remember a single thing about myself.” You whisper to him in horror.

He smiles, and then you watch his nose scrunch as he breaks into a grin. Adorable and boyish, you feel your stomach squeeze in delight.

“Okay okay,” You say, trying to come up with something that you’re sure you’ve never told anyone, “Oh here’s one- watching videos of people painting calms me down sometimes- Oh no, my therapist knows that. Shit.”

You think again for a long moment.

“My favourite painter is Vincent Van Gogh?” You offer instead.

Billy inclines his head in acceptance.

“Why?”

You blink.

“I like the way he doesn’t blend his brushstrokes, that you can see each one and see the separation of the colour, and still have a really amazing painting.”

He smiles at you, his eyes hold a depth that you adore.

“Tell me something else.” He says.

He wants to know me, you think affectionately.

“I think scars are beautiful,” You murmur, “They show where you’ve been and what you’ve lived through, and in a way, they’re no different than brushstrokes.”

“I have a lot of scars.”

“I know.”

I’ve seen you naked, you want to remind him.

The moment feels charged, soft electricity humming in the air, a call between your bodies.

“Well now I know things about you that no one else knows, and when I say that you’re smart and very brave, you have to believe me right?”

“Don’t guess,” He says, hand cupping your face, “believe me.”

“I guess.”

“I believe you.” You echo.

The corner of his mouth lifts into a smile.

“Good girl.”

You swallow.

Suddenly he blinks, tilting his head as if he’s just thought of something and smiles.

“I just remembered, I didn’t show you the whole house yet.”

He doesn’t say anything further, simply taking your hand in his, turning around to lead you in the direction of his bedroom.

Your heart pounds in your chest, ambling behind him with your mug of steaming tea still in hand, you try your best not to spill as you walk.

“It’s my favourite place for a nap. I think you’ll like it.” He says, and you study the back of his head, desperate to memorize everything about him.

When you’re back in the green walls of his bedroom, he releases your hand and approaches a wooden door you had assumed was a closet.

He tugs the door open, and you look at him curiously as he stands beside the door. He inclines his head for you to go in.

It’s a little dark, but you can see the little room immediately leads into a stairway, and your heart beats a little fast as you step in.

The space is enclosed, and the next thing you know Billy is right behind you, his voice in your ear.

“Don’t be scared,” he soothes, “Go up.”

“I’m not scared.” You grumble, gripping the handrail to step carefully to the top where you can see another door at the top of the stairs.

At the top, you don’t hesitate to turn the doorknob, pushing the door open swiftly.

The light hits you all at once and you squint, frowning in discomfort as your eyes try to adjust.

When your vision finally clears, your mouth drops open.

It’s a sunroom.

Sitting in the centre of his rooftop, is a room in the shape of a glass hexagon, large, soft, dark blue couches along each edge, filled with an array of potted plants and throw pillows. 

In the middle of the room, is a large stone table, with short legs.

The sun streams through the glass, lighting up the room effortlessly, an immaculate display of design.

“Billy.” Is all you can find the words to say.

He chuckles behind you, moving to sit on the couch.

“It came with the house. It was the main reason I bought it. Fixed it up in my first summer here and I’m glad I did.”

You nod in agreement, still looking around in wonder.

After a moment, you sit as well, the couch embracing your body easily.

You smile, tuck your legs under you and bring your cup of tea up to your lips for a sip.

It’s lovely, it’s cozy, you watch the sun shine into his hair.

He looks at you, and you feel like cold butter melting on warm toast.

Your grip on your cup tightens.

.

He’s dangerous.

He’s the most dangerous person in the world.

He’s dangerous because he cares, because he’s kind to you, because he’s patient and calm and is too willing to accommodate your needs.

He’s dangerous because he’s so far away, because he won’t kiss you and he won’t touch you and you have to stand here and pretend like you haven’t seen him naked and you don’t know what his mouth tastes like and pretending is going to kill you much faster than any stalker is.

You stand outside of his home gym, listening to him grunt as he took swings at a punching bag. You’d stepped in a few moments before to ask about swimming in his pool.

He’d been shirtless, covered in a sheen of his own sweat, a single strand of his hair sticking to his forehead.

Hey, I don’t have a swimsuit but I really wanna go in your pool. Can we take a quick trip back to my place?

We can, he’d responded, but you don’t need a suit. Wear whatever you’re comfortable with.

Any then you’d nodded, and left like an idiot because you couldn’t very well form new thoughts with him looking like that, right?

Fuck you, Billy Russo, you think, titling your head back to take a breath, fuck you and your hot fucking body and your stupidly handsome face.

You close your eyes, remembering the way he looked, lean and muscular, his hair moving with each powerful swing of his arm.

You gasp, arousal sticky between the lips of your cunt, soaking into the fabric of your underwear.

He’d said to wear what you felt was comfortable, and a devious thought fills your head. That maybe you’d be comfortable wearing nothing at all.

It feels easy enough to do. Step into his lovely pool room, take a deep breath in, and out, pulling your shirt off, and dropping your shorts unceremoniously onto the floor. You reach for it, folding it neatly and placing it onto the wooden bench on the far wall of the room.

There's a small shelf on the wall nearby with white rolled towels, maybe about five or six, and you consider them carefully as you approach the pool.

Your plan is foolproof, turn on the overhead rain feature, tug your underwear off and get into the pool as fast as possible. 

There's a panel on the wall near the entrance of the room, but there's also another waterproof control panel on the floor beside the pool for ease of access.

You smile absentmindedly, admiring the foresight that went into the pool design, wondering how much of a hand the man constantly on your mind had in the planning of it all.

You second guess yourself at the water’s edge. Were you really going to do this? 

Yes, you decide, sitting beside the pool so you could adjust the settings easily. 

The first thing you do is dim the lights, bringing it down to a much lower setting, and then turn on the small lights above your head that looked like stars. 

When it was satisfactory, you eagerly tap the tiny rain symbol on the panel, and select the lowest intensity.

To your amazement, it starts of like soft drizzle, and you pause to take in the ambience of it.

Some parts of the pool’s edge are lined with plants and large rock shapes to give the place a very natural effect. It’s got a kidney shape, or maybe something more irregular, that helps play into the nature theme you assume Billy was going for. 

After a moment, you increase the rain intensity, feeling it soak into your hair and over your shoulders. The droplets hit the leaves of the surrounding plants, creating a symphony of relaxing sounds.

It excites you now, to swim naked here, you tug your undergarments off so much more easily in the low light, curious to feel what it’s like to swim in a marvel like this.

You place your wet underthings near the pool’s edge, but far enough to keep it out of the rain, and you slip into the pool with a deep breath.

The water is warm, not too warm, but enough that you don’t shiver when you climb in. The rain falls around you, droplets disturbing the water, leaving transient ripples only there to be replaced by more raindrops.

It’s magical, the way this space makes you feel. You take a breath and dip your head below the surface of the water, feeling your hair float around you.

You come back up for air, taking your time to move around the pool. You’ve never swam naked before, but in the low light, it’s not as scary as you thought it would be.

You paddle around for a little, and after a while, you find your way back to the nearby control panel to explore other features.

You discover there’s an option to light up the interior of the pool, and another feature that plays ambient forest sounds. You find that you don’t like that as much, because it reminds you of past experiences you’d rather forget.

You find a comfortable spot on the edge of the pool, folding your hands under your head to rest your cheek comfortably, half floating in the gentle artificial rain.

You’re incredibly relaxed when you feel the rain intensity soften on your back. Peeking an eye open, you raise your head with a smile when you catch sight of Billy at the door.

“Sorry, didn’t want to disturb you.” He murmurs, approaching calmly. He’s still dressed the way he was before, shirtless, with a pair of dark grey sweatpants on his lower half.

“That’s alright.” You gulp, eyes trailing down his form shamelessly, too caught up in the way he looks to worry about him looking at you.

When he’s halfway to you, he stops suddenly. You raise an eyebrow at the small shocked expression on his face. You tilt your head curiously when you see his fists clench tightly.

“Are you naked?” He asks in a calm voice, his overall demeanour clearly displaying that he was not calm.

“Yes.” You say slowly.

You watch his jaw tighten, you swear you’ll hear his teeth crack with the amount of pressure he puts on them.

“You said to wear what’s comfortable.” You defend yourself, pushing away from the wall of the pool to float on your back peacefully, no doubt giving him a subtle glimpse of your nude body in the low light. You can’t discern the exact expression written on his face.

“You can join me if you’d like.” You offer.

You watch him debate with himself, unsure of what exactly is going on in his head, but you try to give him the space to decide, turning away from him to glide to the other end of the pool, holding your breath as the water moves all around you.

.

Billy’s losing control. Fast.

The panther has locked him into place, refusing to allow him to move away from you, after he’d decided he was going to allow you your privacy and gently turn down your offer of a swim.

Of course he wanted nothing more than to shed his clothes and join you, but he didn’t want to intrude.

The panther had rejected this argument. The panther was currently trying to urge Billy into removing his clothes and joining you.

It’s a war within himself, fighting with the deeper, darker base urges inside of him, rational thought being pulled from his mind as the beast demands he go to you.

He watches you push away from the wall, your head dipping under the surface as your ass raises into the air for a small moment. Graceful in your movement. 

Even with his ability to see in the low light, the small ripples of the water caused by the small raindrops obscure his view of your body.

Naked, he reminds himself.

The beast inserts imagery of your naked bodies against each other in the water, his arms caging you in while he sinks his cock into you.

He exhales, reaching down to push his pants down the length of his legs.

When he has his boxers off, and he’s just as naked as you are, he hesitates again.

Was this the right idea? Should he give you more space?

He turns away from the pool’s edge.

The panther, having enough of his internal battle, takes sudden control of his legs, one small push, and he tumbles into the water against better thought.

.

You take a breath when you reach the other end, only distracted by the sound of something large crashing into the water behind you. 

You turn suddenly in surprise, watching as Billy breaks the surface of the water, shaking his head and pushing his now wet hair back to pin you with his dark gaze.

You glance down shyly, unable to see anything more than dark shapes in the water, nothing that can tell you the state of his undress.

“So, h- how did you come up with the design for this place?” You ask, lowering your body into the water until only your head is above the surface, the water licking at your neck and chin, soft droplets just barely pattering onto your head.

He stays a small distance away, a wet strand of hair falling in front of his face as he begins speaking. You try not to get distracted by the way he looks.

“Remember when I told you I ran away from that group home when I was fifteen?”

You incline your head in affirmation.

“Well, I spent most of my time in the woods. I’d break into abandoned cabins and stay until peak season. I’d read whatever books I could find, and explore the forest to pass the time.”

You blink, your throat closing up at the lonely existence he was painting for you.

“I thought I hated it. When I came back to civilization, I didn’t think I would want reminders of it, but after all of that, I realised, that was the very first place I heard myself think.”

He looks up, and you keep your eyes on him.

“In the dark, under the trees, looking up at the stars.”

He looks back at you, and you can see the faint shine of the lights in his eyes.

“That was the first place I learned who I really was.”

You smile softly at him, inching closer.

“That’s amazing, Billy.” You hum.

He moves closer too, unable to be too far from you, or so you hope quietly.

“I know you’re afraid of the forest, of the reminder.”

You swallow, nodding, looking down at the ripples he creates as he moves.

“It makes me feel like I have no control, anything could happen and I have no power to stop it.”

It’s easier with you around, you want to say to him.

Like he did before, he inserts himself into your line of sight, pulling a smile onto your face at his antics.

“You have to know by now that you’re not powerless.”

You open your mouth to protest.

He cups your cheeks, bringing you close to his body, until you swear he’s touching you all over.

“Don’t argue.” He says in a stern tone that makes you gulp, looking up at him demurely, feeling yourself get comfortably small under his gaze.

“You’re resilient, you’ve been through so much and you’re still so strong.”

“But this is breaking me.” You confess, voice cracking as tears rise to the surface, having never admitted it out loud, not even to your therapist.

He looks pained for a moment, eyebrows drawing together, a tilt of his head before he’s dipping to take you into his arms.

A few tears fall, your breathing shallow as you cry for a moment, emotions overwhelming you, stealing your ability to breathe.

His large palm moves over your bare back, soothing you, his cheek is cool where it presses against yours.

You sniffle after a moment, getting control of your emotions, clinging to him in the water, unwilling to let him go.

He says your name softly, reverently, capturing your attention.

“You’re not broken yet, sweetheart, and I promise I’ll keep you safe. No one is going to touch a hair on your head, and no one is ever going to get the chance to hurt you.”

“That’s not your job, Billy. You don’t have to.” You protest.

His hands rise to cup your face, drawing back a little so that he can look at you, nose to nose.

“I want to. I want you to feel safe, and protected and relaxed because you deserve to be.”

You make a small sound, and before you can stop yourself, you rise onto your toes to kiss him.

His reaction is instantaneous, gripping the back of your head to press his mouth firmly to yours, a low groan in his throat, something dark and desperate.

You reach for him, wrapping your arms around his bare shoulders, pulling him close until your bodies are pressed to each other.

His hands grip your thighs, encouraging you to wrap your legs around his hips, the water sloshing as you move so eagerly.

You gasp against his mouth as you feel the largeness of his erection press against your thigh.

He grips your jaw tightly, placing punishing kisses onto your mouth, no doubt bruising your lips with the fervour.

His desire is matched with your own, your fingers scraping against his skin, wandering over the scars on his shoulder, smoothing over his wet hair.

“Are you sure?” He pants against your mouth, groaning when he feels your lips kiss the spot right below his ear.

He says your name on a groan, tilting his head back when your teeth scrape the base of his neck.

“Sweetheart,” He tries again, “You need to tell me.”

You pause suddenly, gasping as you come back to your senses. In truth, you weren’t sure about this, past experience telling you that doing this with him was probably a bad idea.

You give him a shy look, his breathing harsh as he looks into your eyes.

“I’m not sure.” You whisper softly, worried about his reaction.

Like he can sense your worry, he nods, withdrawing from your grip.

“That’s alright. It’s okay to be unsure.” He says, turning away for a moment, cupping a handful of water to pour onto his head.

Yet guilt fills you, past experience trying to pressure you into thinking that you’ve done something wrong.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

He turns back, concern in his gaze as he drops himself to eye level with you.

“Don’t feel sorry for telling me how you feel. I’d rather you stop me now, than regret it, or feel bad about yourself later.”

You think about mentioning your fear of him leaving again, after he’s done that so many times before, but you decide against it, because it would do no good at this point to say.

“I like you, I really do,” You whisper, “but I worry I’m using you to distract myself from the way I feel. That’s not fair to you.” 

He looks down, a somber expression on his face that makes your heart crack.

“I get it. Trust me, I do, I’m here for you, anything you want.”

You reach out to take his hand, bringing it up to your face so that you can kiss the back of his knuckles.

“Maybe we can take it slow? Until I can get my brain around things?”

He gives you a little smile, nodding acceptingly at the notion.

“Slow is good.” He says, leaning forward to kiss the top of your head.

You smile happily, looking up at him, feeling something different in your chest, a fondness, an appreciation, like nothing you’ve ever felt before. You may be naked, but you’re not remotely concerned about him violating the boundaries of your consent.

You toss your arms around him, holding him close , feeling him return the embrace.

After a few moments, you lean back, smiling up at him.

“Exactly how hard can this artificial rain fall?” You ask playfully.

He takes on an amused expression at the idea.

.

.

.

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Thirty-Eight

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Fluff and Smut.

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

Harry keeps an arm around you in the back of the uber as you head to Niall’s. You both knew you’d be drinking again. Niall’s place was already packed with people when you got there, and you were on the earlier side. You put your coat and Harry’s in the closet. He snakes an arm around your waist. He was grateful you didn’t wear a scarf or anything. Your hair slightly covered the marks on your neck, but if someone really looked at you, they’d be able to see them.

“Damn, Y/N!” Rachel says, giving you a hug. “Haven’t seen you wear that dress in years.”

“It was in the back of my closet, looks good right?”

“Looks great!” She looks Harry up and down, squinting at the way he’s clutching at her hip.

“Is Lora with you?” You ask.

“Yeah, she’s in the kitchen making us some drinks. You guys want anything?”

“Maybe in a minute. Where’s Niall?”

“M’right here, keep your shirt on.” He says chuckling. You give him a hug with Harry’s hand moving to the small of your back.

“Harry and I brought some extra wine.” Harry hands it to him.

“Thanks! I’ll put these in the kitchen.”

“I can do that, I’m going back in anyways.” Rachel says taking the wine. Sarah comes walking up.

“Hey!” She hugs you and waves to Harry. “You look so pretty!”

“Thanks, so do you.”

“You get your hair touched up?”

“Yeah, just this afternoon.”

The girls chat, and Niall pulls Harry aside.

“How was the rest of your night?” Niall asks.

“Good, she passed out on me.” He laughs.

“Sarah talked my ear off all night.”

“’Bout what?”

“All that threesome shit.”

“I forgot all about that.” He looks back at you. He watches you throw your head back as you laugh at something. “I still can’t believe Y/N has had one.”

“I’m shocked you didn’t ask her a bunch of questions about it.”

“Not somethin’ I needed more information on. Plus I didn’t want her askin’ me anythin’. Do you think Sarah’s curious?”

“I have no idea, but I made it clear I wasn’t in the business for doin’ them anymore.”

“There he is!” Harry looks over and sees Louis coming towards him. They practically jumped into each other’s arms. Eleanor says hi to you.

“I’m so glad you made it!” Harry says breaking their embrace. “This is gonna be a good party, three of us together for another new year.”

“Hi, Y/N.” Louis says hugging you.

“Hi, good to see you again.” You blush, not expecting the hug.

“Same to you. Alright, who needs a drink?”

The guys all go into the kitchen and make up drinks and come back handing out glasses. Harry made you a vodka tonic, your favorite. You hang out with your friends for a good chunk of time, glancing over at Harry occasionally who was sucked into conversation with Louis. The two were laughing hysterically about something.

The night went on, and you found yourself dancing with your friends. Many other people were dancing as well. You were feeling really good.

“Mate, Y/N, looks really good tonight.” Louis says to Harry. Harry looks back at you and smirks.

“Yeah, she does. I’m a lucky bastard.”

“So you’re all moved in then?”

“Yup, we’re going to look at a bigger place in a couple days. Right across the street from here actually.”

“That’d be convenient.”

“Yeah, I like the idea of having Niall so close by. It’s nice knowing if I had to travel for work or something she could just come here or whatever, she wouldn’t be alone.” He takes a sip of his drink. “We were thinking once everything settles we’d come see you guys.”

“Really?” He perks up.

“Yeah, we’ve wanted to come sooner, but the holidays really took up our time.”

“How was she meetin’ mum and Gem?”

“It was great! They were super welcoming. I spoke to mum the other day, she raved about her. I was so glad they liked her. She fit right in with Mitch and Sarah too.”

“That’s great. Your pictures looked amazing.” Harry takes out his phone and shows Louis a few he didn’t post.

“She’s just so cute, lad, I can’t stand it.” Louis chuckles at his friend.

“Never seen ya so taken with someone, it’s nice.”

“It’s made me realize I’ve never really been in love before.”

“’S’how I feel about El.” Harry and Louis look over at you and Eleanor. “She fits right in with ‘em. I’m glad Y/N’s friends are so nice.”

“They really are a cool group of girls. They’re all really open, no prudes. I’d say Sarah’s the most innocent out of those three.”

“Isn’t there a fourth friend?”

“Yeah…Kate. They sort of stopped talking to her a few months ago. Lotta drama there.” Niall walks over to them.

“Great party mate.” Harry says. “As usual.”

“Thanks! Everyone seems happy. Think you idiots’ll pay any attention to your girlfriends tonight?”

“Oi, I resent that.” Louis says. “Just catchin’ up with the lad here.” Harry laughs, and looks back over at you.

He was almost afraid to go over to you. You looked so fucking sexy, moving your hips around, and that red lipstick. He would need to be taken care of instantly. You were both pretty buzzed at this point, so there was no telling what might happen.

“They’re all havin’ fun, don’t think they miss us.” Harry says.

“Rachel’s dancin’ with Lora.” Niall says.

“They’re a cute couple.” Louis says.

You look up and see the guys all watching you and your friends. You bite your bottom lip as you make eye contact with Harry.

“I’ll be right back.” You tell them, and walk over to your boyfriend. “Hey stranger.” You say kissing him in front of his friends.

“Hi.” He says, a little surprised, but delighted with your public display. He knew other people had been checking you out.

“Niall, this party is so much fun.” You say to your friend.

“Thanks. How’s Sarah?”

“Good, think she’s missing you though.” You nod towards her.

“Better go fix that.” Niall goes over to dance with his girlfriend.

“Louis how long are in town for?”

“Just til tomorrow love.”

“You and El should come over for lunch or something. We’re a bit cramped at the moment, but it would be great to have you over either.”

“Sure! I’ll ask her. Thanks.” He smiles at you. Louis had a really nice smile. He winks at Harry and makes his way to his own girlfriend. You look up at him.

“Hey.” He says.

“Hi.”

“Havin’ fun, angel?” The pet name sends a tingle up your spine. You wrap your arms around his waist and press yourself to him.

“Mhm. You?” You look at him through your lashes. Before he can say anything, your lips are on his again.

His free hand cups your cheek. You swipe your tongue along his bottom lip, and he opens up for you. Your tongues goes into his mouth, in search of his. He tastes like vodka, and you loved it. You suck his bottom lip into your mouth and he groans, tugging at the hair on the back of your head.

Niall and Louis look over and see what’s happening.

“Do ya think they’re gonna go shag?” Louis asks.

“Maybe.” Niall shrugs. “Just hope they lock the door if they do.” He laughs.

“Apparently they can’t keep their hands off each other.” Rachel chimes in.

“That’s how Niall and I were when we first got together, remember baby?” She looks up at him.

“Hey, it’s still like that.” He pouts.

“Sure, but remember how hot and heavy it was. They’re just going through that phase now since it’s all still new. It’s cute.”

“Alright, let’s stop looking at them.” Lora chimes in. “Who needs another drink?”

You and Harry break from your kiss. You look at him with dark eyes. Your pupils had completely blown out. You take his hand and lead him down the hallway. Niall’s place had two full baths, and a half bath in the hallway. You go into the guest room, and lock the door. But you weren’t done there, you lead Harry into the guest bath, and lock that door too.

“No one’ll hear us this far back.” You say.

“And what exactly do ya plan t’do with me in here, hm?” He smirks.

You connect your lips to his again, and tug at his hair. He lifts you up onto the sink counter, not caring about whatever it was you knocked over in the process. His hand slips up between your thighs and you practically growl at the feeling.

“Fuck, I want you so bad Harry.” You moan when his teeth sink into your collar bone. “Please, baby, fuck me.” He wanted to tell you it would be much easier to take you from behind. He felt bold, so he asked.

“Can I take ya from behind, your ass just looks so good in that dress.” You swallow hard.

“No, I wanna be able to look at you.”

“Got a mirror in here.” He nips at your jaw.

“Harry…” You look at him.

“Alright, this way it is then.” He gives you a reassuring smile. You kiss on the exposed part of his neck and reach for his belt buckle. His hands move up to tug your nylons down.

“No time, just rip the crotch.” He looks at you, eyes wild.

“Really?”

“Do you want me to do it?”

Harry reaches both of his hands inside your dress, and tears the crotch of your tights open. His fingers graze against you, and he can feel how wet you are already.

“Just move them to the side.”

He tugs your dress further up, so it’s bunched at your hips. He lowers his pants and boxers just enough to take his dick out. You scoot closer, and help guide him in while he pushes your panties to the side.

“Mm, fuck.” You moan, clutching at his shoulders. He felt so good. “Feel so good Harry.”

“Gonna have t’fuck ya quick, angel.”

“Just be careful, okay?” He nods, and begins to move in and out of you.

“Feel so good around me baby.” He says into your ear. Your legs wrap around him.

The whole situation was so erotic. You were close just thinking about where you were, and how you were doing it. You start to clench around him.

“Gonna come f’me already?” You look at him. How did he know? “I can feel it.”

“Harry.” You moan.

“Go ‘head, come for me, come all over my cock.” You bite down on your lip hard to stifle the loud noise you desperately wish you could let out. “That’s a good girl, listenin’ t’me.” Your eyes flick up to his.

You kiss him, and hang onto him for dear life while he fucks up into you, hitting your g-spot. He was moving faster and faster, but you could take it. You felt safe in arms. More so, you were coming towards another release, and could feel his coming soon too as his movements got sloppier.

“Can I come in ya, or do you not want me to right now?”

“God, please, come in me Harry, fill me up.” You groan.

“Fuck.” He moans as he releases, you come again as well at the pure feeling.

You both sit there for a moment before he pulls out. You clamp your legs together, trying not to make mess. He helps you off the counter, and fixes himself up. You grab a tissue and wipe under your eyes. The skin on your chest had turned pink, and you had a fresh bruise on your neck.

“Turn around.” You say to him as you pull your tights and panties down, and sit on the toilet. He chuckles as you use the toilet to clean yourself up. You pull everything up, and pull your dress down.

“All set?”

“Mhm.” You loop your arm through his. “Don’t leave me for the rest of the night, please?” You both walk into the bedroom. You lean in closer to him.

“Feel shy?”

“Yeah.” You look up at him and he kisses your forehead.

“Don’t worry, Harry’s here.” You smile at him and walk out of the bedroom.

You peak your head out to make sure no one was around. There were other couple’s making out in the dark hallway, so no one gave you any weird looks. Harry stays with you like he said he would. Your hand never leaves his. Even when your friends want you to dance again.

“Twenty seconds!” Someone yells to signal the ball was going to drop soon. Niall turns the TV station to one of the live feeds.

Your friends all gather near each other. Harry pulls you close to his chest.

“5.”

“4.”

“3.”

“2.”

“1!”

“Happy New Year!”

Harry dips you slightly and kisses you. You can’t remember the last time you had a New Year’s kiss. You giggle when he puts you back up straight.

“Happy new year babe.” You say against his lips.

“Happy new year, love.” He kisses you again.

People start to trickle out of the party a little after one in the morning. You had drank a decent amount, everyone had. You were able to find a spot on the couch now that some people had left. Harry sits with you, and pulls you onto his lap to make more room for others. A few of you get into a game of cards against humanity.

You lean into Harry, and pepper kisses on his neck every few minutes. He loved when you were like this. He would never admit this to anyone, but he craved constant attention. And when he got it, he was addicted.

Around 2:30 in the morning, things had really dwindled down. Harry was off talking with Louis and Niall. They were all piss drunk. Sarah was passed out in the corner of the couch. Rachel and Lora were on their way out, and Eleanor had gotten herself set up in the guest room. You get up and shuffle over to the boys. You press your forehead into Harry’s chest, completely interrupting them. He places a hand on the back of your head, and strokes your hair. You wrap your arms around his back while he continues to talk to the guys. You can barely understand them, you just want to go home and get into bed with your baby.

“Harry.” You say looking up at him. You move your arms to wrap around his neck, getting his full attention. “Can we go home soon please?” He smiles at you.

“Sure, couldja order the uber f’me?”

“Mhm.” You hang on him as you open the app on your phone. He continues to talk to the guys.

“Babe, you wanna grab our coats?”

“Okay.” You turn around and go to the coat closet. You come back and hand him his.

“Thanks.” He looks down at your feet. “Gotta put your shoes back on, love.”

“No.” Louis and Niall look at you, then back to Harry.

“Your feet will get cold.”

“But my feet will hurt if I put these back on.”

“Y/N.”

“Harry.” You put a hand on your hip. Your phone dings. “It’s here.”

“Lou, I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

“Yeah, just text me when you want us there.” They hug. “Night, mate.” He says to Niall.

“Take it easy on her.” He winks at Harry.

“We’ll see.” Harry looks at you. “Really not gonna put your shoes on?”

“Nope.” He sighs, and before you know it, he’s picking you up, and throwing you over his shoulder.

“See ya lads.”

“Bye Harry.” Niall and Louis say in unison.

Harry adjusts you so he’s carrying you bridal style. You nuzzle into his chest. You felt cozy and safe. You feel him put you in the uber, and he also carries you up into your apartment. He sets you down and helps you take your jacket off. He takes off his own and looks at you.

“You know…you really shouldn’t say no to me like that in front of m’friends.”

“My friends too.” You pout. “I didn’t do anything on purpose. My feet just hurt so bad, Harry. I physically couldn’t put those things back on.”

He puts a hand on your shoulder, and walks by to go to the bedroom. You follow him in. Your reach up under your dress to take your tights off. You start laughing.

“What?” You hold them up.

“Forgot you ripped these.” You toss them in the trash. “Was pretty hot.” You slide your panties off and toss them in your basket. You reach inside your dress and remove the tape from your boobs. You sigh with relief.

Harry takes his shirt off, and tosses it in the basket.

“That dress is so sexy on you.” You saunter over to him. He wraps his hands around you and squeezes your butt.

“Wanna take it off?”

He tugs at the hem of the dress, and lifts it up over your head. You undo his belt buckle, and make his pants drop to the floor. You drop to your knees and tug his boxers down.

“What are you-“

“Haven’t had you in my mouth in so long.”

You wrap your lips around his tip, and suckle on it. He hisses at the feeling. His hands go into your hair, softly.

“Fuck, Y/N.” His eyes roll into the back of his head.

You take him deeper down your throat. You taste his precome all over your tongue. His hips thrust forward, and you nearly gag on him.

“Shit, I wanna be able to fuck you.” He pulls your face back. You look up at him with big eyes. He helps you up. “C’mon, let me fuck that tight cunt.” Your pupils fully dilate.

You practically jump on him, you both fall onto the bed. He rolls you on top of him. You were soaking wet, so you guide him in immediately. You grit your teeth as you get used to him. Your nails rake down his chest as you grind on him.

“Feel so good, angel.” His hands reach up to knead your breasts.

Your hands slide up and down his chest, one of them sliding to his throat. Your thumb rubs over his Adam’s apple.

“Is that okay?” You say in a grunt. He nods yes, and you apply a little more pressure as you move up and down on his dick.

“Can I do it to you?”

“Yes, but lightly.”

His hand slides up to your throat. His rings feel cold, but in a good way. Your head tilts back as he thrusts up into you, hitting your g-spot. You were panting. Harry’s hand moves to the back of your neck, and pulls you down to him so you’re chest to chest. He thrusts in and out of you, and there’s so much friction against your clit that you lose yourself.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck.” You pant and moan against his neck. “Come in me baby, please wanna feel it.”

“Yeah, you want me to fill you up?”

“God, yes.”

Harry shoots up into you, filling you to the brim. You tighten around him as you feel yourself come again. You kiss him before getting off of him to go to the bathroom. Harry gets up to get two glasses of water.

“Please don’t make me drink that.” You pout.

“Y’need to baby girl.”

“But I don’t want to.” You whine.

“You’re gonna have a headache tomorrow if ya don’t. Look, I’m drinkin’ mine.”

“Alright.”

You take slow sips of the cold water. You put it on the side table next to the bed, and climb in. He climbs in next to you.

“Harry?”

“Yes, love?”

“Happy new year.” He chuckles.

“Happy new year.”

“Can I lay on your chest?”

“Course.”

You scoot closer to him and rest your head on his chest. He plays with your hair, and feel yourself drift off.

//

Your eyes flutter open around 10:30, your stomach feels like shit, but at least you didn’t have a headache. Harry was laying on his stomach, with an arm and a leg draped over you. His head in the crook of your neck. You would never get tired of waking up next to such a beautiful man. He feels you shuffle a bit, and slowly opens his eyes to look at you. He turns over, and you do the same so he can spoon you. You loved being encompassed by his scent, the warmth from his body.

“Mornin’.” He coos.

“Morning.” You grab your phone and look over the pictures you and your friends took last night. There was a really cute one of you and Harry. Damn, you did look good last night. “Mind if I post this one on insta.” You lean over and show him.

“We’re kissing in that one…”

“Yeah, someone snapped it at just the right time. I was going to post this one with it so it’s not the first one people see. We just look so cute.”

“Sure, I don’t mind.” He plays it cool, but he loves the idea of you wanting to show off your relationship. Just another reminder to everyone out there that you were very much taken.

“We should probably get up soon. Don’t want you to be crunched for time with Louis.”

“It was nice of you to invite them over today.” He snuggles into you.

After a quick shower, Harry gives Louis a call telling him when he can come over. You make some coffee, and hope your stomach doesn’t feel quite as achy. Harry notices you clutching at it.

“You getting’ your period again already?”

“No.” You giggle. “I have at least another week and a half. Stomach just feels gross from all the alcohol last night. Definitely shouldn’t have had two nights back to back like that.” You hand him a mug and he kisses you on the cheek. “What should I make all of us for lunch? I can spruce up the salad…”

“Oh, he said they’d being somethin’ over, Niall had a fuck ton of leftover food. So salad will be perfect.”

Just as you’re tossing the ingredients together, you hear the buzzer for the door. Harry lets them in. He and Louis hug as they come in.

“Hi Harry.” Eleanor says, giving him a light side hug.

“Enjoy the party last night El?” He says, returning the awkward hug.

“Yeah, Niall always throws a good one. Couldn’t stay awake much after the ball dropped though, I’ll be honest.”

“You certainly crashed early, love.” Louis looks at you. “Hi Y/N, thanks for havin’ us. Brought some chips and dip with us.”

“Oh great, just set it on the counter. Harry, you wanna put that in some serving dishes?”

“Sure thing.”

“I’m setting this up buffet style, feel free to help yourselves.” You smile.

Everyone makes themselves a plate, and gathers in the living area to eat.

“Nice place you two have here.” Eleanor says.

“Thanks, we’re looking at a bigger place tomorrow.” You say.

“Right, near Niall’s place?”

“Mhm.” You take a bite of your salad.

“What time did you guys leave last night? Lou didn’t come to bed til nearly two in the mornin’.” She laughs.

“Um…I’m not sure.” You look up at Harry. “I was sort of out of it last night.”

“No kiddin’, ya wouldn’t even put ya shoes on.” Louis says.

“I wouldn’t?”

“You don’t remember?” Harry asks. “I had to carry you out.”

“That I remember.” You giggle. “Just didn’t remember the reason.” You shrug.

“It was pretty cute, ya came over t’him like a little baby, askin’ t’go home.”

“Yeah, and you guys just kept talking like I wasn’t even there. What were you talking about anyways?” Harry and Louis look at each other.

“Nothin’ important. Just deep in conversation.” Harry says. “So, El, how’s work?”

“Good!” She says, completely surprised he asked. “Um, really good actually. Love what I do, and all tha’. Lou and I have the next few days off, we’ve got Freddie comin’ t’be with us.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, his mum felt bad for stiffin’ me over Christmas, so she said we could have him again for another few days. She took him with her on a family ski trip.”

“What about school?”

“He can miss a few days of preschool, not a big deal. Maybe when you guys come to visit it’ll be on one m’weekends, know he misses his Uncle H.”

“Y/N, Harry’s told Lou you have a little nephew?”

“Yes!” You take your phone out. “He’s so cute.” You pull up a picture to show her.

“Oh! Look at those chubby cheeks!”

“He’s like a little meatball.” You giggle.

“Which of your siblings had him?”

“My brother. I’m a first time auntie, and I love it.”

“He’s a super cuddly baby too.” Harry says.

“Oh I bet you snatched him up the second you met him.” Louis says chuckling. “I swear you held Freddie more at the hospital after he was born than I did.” He takes a sip of water. “I remember too, when you posted that picture on your Instagram, the one you keep private now, and I think every girl that followed you commented with heart eyes, or DM’d you.”

“Ohhh, so that’s why you love babies so much, just trying to get in good with ladies.” You tease him.

“Ya got me.” He rolls his eyes. “What are Niall and Sarah up to today?”

“Jesus, that’s why I got to bed so late ya know? She was asleep on the couch and the lad needed help gettin’ her into bed. She was complete deadweight. Think she was still sleepin’ when we left. He only got up to say goodbye.”

“Once we have a bigger place you two are more than welcome to stay over with us.” You say.

“You really do have the sweetest girl, I gotta say.” Louis puts his arm around Eleanor. “Other than mine of course.” She leans into him. They were a really cute couple, and you knew Harry was trying his best to be happy for them.

“Can I help with the dishes?” Eleanor says, walking into the kitchen with you. Normally would say no, but you could tell she didn’t want to be left alone with the boys.

“Sure! I have some fruit in the fridge, thought we could have that for dessert if you wanted to grab it.” She smiles and goes into the fridge. You both stop to look over at the boys. “It’s nice to see such a strong male friendship, isn’t it?”

“Definitely. Harry’s been way more relaxed around me today. I’m assumin’ you had somethin’ to do with that.”

“I didn’t say anything…you know he told me he really does like you, he’s just sad Louis’ so far away.”

“I’m a scapegoat, I get it.” She shrugs. “If we could live closer we would in a heartbeat, but he needs Freddie in his life. Took him a long time to get the custody he has over him now. We get him a lot more in the summer, it’s wonderful.”

“You really love him, don’t you?”

“Think of him as my own.”

“What was it like dating someone knowing he had a baby on the way?”

“Well, it certainly made for an interesting first date, but I appreciated him being so upfront and honest about it. He assured me he and his ex had no intentions of making a relationship work, and that I’d have nothing to worry about on that end. But he told me if he needed to scoot to go to the doctor with her, he wouldn’t hesitate. I thought it was sweet that he was taking so much responsibility.” She smiles as she looks at him. She leans in to whisper to you. “Sexiest dad in the world, gotta say.” You both giggle.

“Oi! What are you two gigglin’ about?” Louis gets up and walks over to you both. Harry follows him, popping a piece of fruit into his mouth.

“Nothin’, just enjoyin’ watchin’ the hens cluck.” She kisses him on the cheek.

“Here that? We’ve been reduced to cluckin’ hens.” He looks at Harry. “Sure you weren’t talkin’ about how much ya love me?”

“She said you were a sexy dad.” Eleanor gasps at you as you laugh.

“I’ve been betrayed!” She looks back at Louis. “But it’s true, I did say tha’.”

“Keep talkin’, love when you inflate m’ego.”

“As if Harry doesn’t do enough of that for ya.”

“Oh stop, if anythin’, I knock the lad down a peg or two.” He looks at Louis with a grin. “Isn’t that right, shorty.”

“Alright, we’re leavin’ before he starts actin’ up.” He looks down at his watch. “Yikes, we really do have to go. Don’t wanna sit in traffic.”

“Me either. Thanks so much for having us over.”

“Anytime!”

“Let us know when ya move, we can come help.” Louis says.

It was hugs all around. Harry sighed big after they left. Harry hated seeing his friend go. You squint your eyes at him.

“What?”

“What’s the big secret with you two…everything was muffled last night, but the three of you are concocting something.”

“Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” He walks by you to go use the bathroom and you jump on his back. “Y/n! I need to wee!” He giggles. “What are you doin’?”

“Tell me!” You wrap your legs around his waist and push on his bladder.

“I’m gonna wee in m’pants if you keep doin’ that.”

“Tell me and I’ll let you go!”

“Okay, okay. We were talkin’ about marriage, can ya let me use the bathroom now!” You get off him and he turns around to look at him. You’re as pale as a ghost.

“Marriage?”

[kass-storycorner]

Hello!! i stumbled across your works and i absolutely fell inlove with your writing (especially the angsty ones)

Can i jump on the angst train and request a fic with a line that goes "I'm here, you dont have to wait anymore," with childe? Like maybe the reader told childe that theyll wait for him no matter how long it takes (and maybe a sprinkle of argument) but something happened that made the reader be on the brink of death. With or without comfort/happy ending is up to u!!

first of all thank you so much for the request! and it really makes me so happy to hear that you like my writing, especially my angst haha secondly I am so sorry that this took so long, since I saw this ask in my inbox I couldn't stop thinking about it and finished the first part of this pretty quickly - only to be stuck at how to end it (and actually fulfill the request haha). right now i am not really happy with the ending, though I feel like this is the best I can currently do! I really hope you enjoy, please let me know if it was alright haha (also I fear that I didn't really...wrote Childe in-character, I don't know)

Waiting for you

Genre: Angst, Hurt, comfort at the end

Characters: Childe x gn!reader (Childe is referred by is actual name by the reader, but outside of dialog he's called Childe)

Format: bullet points (backstory) + Text (actual fic, answer to the prompt)

Word count: 4324

Content warning: veeeery slight spoiler warning for the Liyue quests, its literally just one sentence and I tried to keep it as ambigious as possible, slight cursing (using the word bitch too, though thats the only instance of using gendered-vocab for the reader, i still wrote them gn!), mention of blood, mild violence, not proof-read ahah when will i ever do that

you can find the fic under the cut, have fun reading!

You and Childe knew each other since you were just little kids – him and his family being neighbours had meant you always ended up playing with him and his siblings, though you both got along the best.

On more than one occasion you both just ran off to somewhere no one could disturb you, your secret hideout, trading stories of great warriors from outside of Snezhnaya you heard the fishermen at the docks talk about.

Most people and children were wary of Childe, he was always the one who wanted to ‘play-fight’, which ended most of the time with the other kid running home, crying. However, you were the exception, always able to beat him or at least have a tie. Your parents, especially your father, hated it when you came back home with bruises on your arm, a bright smile and telling how you beat Childe up that day. He never felt like Childe was someone you should surround yourself with, but he kept quite for your younger years, also thanks to your mother who wasn’t fond of the fighting either but saw how much time with Childe meant to you.

Things however changed after Childe fell into the Abyss.

It was apparent how violent he got after it, even his own family was completely helpless when it came to him. So his father send him off to join the Fatui, which was a very controversial decision in the small town you both called home – most were happy to not have Childe be around anymore, for he picked up more and more fights and became more violent, but even within Snezhnaya the Fatui have a bad reputation, so most people were convinced that he would only become even worse.

Your father was one of those who was happy, but also concerned. Your mother died shortly after Childe fell into the Abyss, so your father forbade you any contact with Childe.

This, however, did not work. After Childe had to leave Morespesok you kept in touch through letters and whenever he was in town you always met up in secret.

The letters you send each other turned sweeter the older you got, changing the feelings for friendship you both felt for each other slowly into a romantic love. Childe always ended his letter with saying that he would return soon and you always with “I’ll be waiting for you Ajax”.

You always looked forward to his letters and so did he for yours. When he came back to Morespesok after every mission he had to do for the Fatui you both would meet up in your secret hideout. This place became your save haven. Conversations, hugs, kisses and even more – everything that wasn’t written in a letter between you two happened there.

Childe was fine with this and so were you. He didn’t want people to know there was someone he loved as much as he loved you, as one of the Harbringers of the Fatui it could endanger you. You on the other hand were fine with it because, even though you had no understanding for why your father forbad you the relationship with Childe, you couldn’t stomach to disappoint him. After all he was your father and you loved him dearly, no matter how much you both might disagree on things.

Still, you longed for something more – with Childe and for your own life. You wanted to travel too; you haven’t had the chance to leave Morespesok past the few neighbouring villages. So, when Childe wrote to you that after his next visit, which would only be a few days long, he was going to Liyue and didn’t knew for how long he had to stay there – you asked him in your reply if you could join him. Him writing that it wasn’t possible and better for you to stay in Morespesok and just wait for him hurt, but you understood. You are fine with waiting for him, you always were.

You were expecting a sad but loving last night with Childe before he had to leave, ending with a bittersweet goodbye. You weren’t expecting what happened instead.

Childe was angry, it was clear to see. The moment he stepped into your secret hideout you knew something was off – how he averted your eyes, how he didn’t return your kiss with a passionate one, like usual. “Ajax”, you purred in a sweet voice, “what’s wrong?”. You tried to take his hand, but he only pulled it away. Ah, that was unusual. He never refused your touch, no matter how angry he was before. “There is nothing wrong, I just was curious if there is something you want to tell me?”, he replied in a bitter tone, not even looking at you. It took you completely off guard; you saw him be angry or sulky before, you two had your fair share of arguments in the past, but somehow this was different. “No, there is nothing except for the fact that I missed you very much,” you told him, but you could feel how you started to become irritated. When you saw him two days ago visiting your family’s shop with Teucer he gave you a warm and loving smile, winking at you when he handed you that piece of paper asking to meet up tonight. What had happened in between that made him act like this? “Tsk, fine,” and with that he was on his way out. You moved quickly in front of him, blocking the way out. “Now wait a moment, would you kindly tell me what is going on here?”. He just quietly looked at you for a few seconds before he shoved you aside. “AJAX!”, you couldn’t hide your irritation and growing anger anymore, burying your fingers in his arm in order to stop him from leaving. “What did I do to make you be angry at me?”. “It doesn’t matter”, Childe replied coldly, while trying to get you to loosen your grip on his arm. “Now let me go and run home to your father and your fiancé, I bet they are already asking where you are right now.” “My what?” you replied with bewilderment. “Childe, is that why you are angry with me? Because you think I am engaged to someone else?”. Honestly, you would find this situation hilarious if it weren’t for the fact that Childe still looked at you with a sour face. “Well, I don’t think you are engaged to someone else; I know you are. Your father was really excited about the whole thing when he told me, he even invited me to your wedding, granted if I could find the time.” As he said this, he noticed how your face was a combination of confusion and anger. And oh yes, were you angry. Angry at your father for telling such blatant lies and at Childe for believing them, confused as to why he would even believe your father in the first place. “Ajax, I-“you let go of his arm, pinching the bridge of your nose and letting out a deep sigh. “I am engaged to no one, never was. I didn’t tell you this, because I didn’t want to upset you or worry you needlessly, but maybe I should’ve done it. My father continuously tries to marry me off whenever he finds anyone, he deems a worthy suitor. I guess he might have found one of your letters, though he never said anything about it, but I can’t explain why he suddenly started to become so interested in my marital status. Every few weeks he brings another person home, tells me I should marry them, for me to turn those poor fools down and tell my father he should stop. Most accept it that I have no interest in them, some stick around for a few weeks until the realise that nothing will come of it, but yeah. Ask anyone, Archons ask your family, it’s already a running joke here.” You expected the atmosphere to become less tense after you explained the whole situation to him, for him to even turn it into a joke and to apologise for his behaviour. Instead, it just grew more tense. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”, his voice still being cold, underneath it you could hear how angry he still was. “Because it wasn’t important, at least not to me. Honestly Ajax, I don’t see what the issue is here. I am not engaged and I do not plan to agree to one unless-“, you stopped yourself right there. ‘Unless it’s you who’s asking’, is what you wanted to say. You could feel how your heart fluttered even just at the thought. Childe, however, did not notice where you were going with your last sentence, too

occupied with his own anger. “Unless what?”. “It doesn’t matter, can’t we just drop the topic and enjoy our first and last night in months with each other without fighting?”, this was your last offer of peace, hoping he would finally calm down. But you knew deep down – Childe never was one to back out of a fight. “No no no, continue, tell me what you wanted to say!”, his voice growing louder and louder with every word. “Ajax, let it be,” you really weren’t in the mood for anything tonight anymore and the least you wanted to do was discuss your wish of a future with him. “No, I won’t. Tell me, because I would love to know. Or don’t, you can also just go and choose one of the various suitors your father picked out for you to fuck, I bet you really enjoy it how they are all standing in line for you,” he spit his words out, full of anger and disgust. This was the final straw for you, it was apparent that Childe choose words that he knew would hurt you with intent and it made you explode. “You know what? I’ve had enough!”, you screamed at him, feeling how tears were pooling in the corner of your eyes. Not out of sadness or because his words hurt, those were tears of pure rage. “You come in here, after I haven’t seen you in weeks, before you leave for an unspecified amount of time and all you have to do is pick a fight? Fine, here have a fight! You are unhappy that I didn’t tell you how my father wants to force me in a marriage I don’t want to be in? Boho, I am so so sorry for you Ajax. Really, I can’t fathom to imagine how much you must struggle with this, but oh well, life must be so hard when you keep travelling around Teyvat. Because I really can’t imagine how life would be outside this place, what it’s like to have anything to do. Have you ever noticed, ever realised how much I hate it? Hate the wating? Because that’s all I do! I wait for your letters, and I wait for you to return. All I ever do I wait, wait, wait. Wait for you to come home yes and wait for you to finally be ready for something, anything more!”, the tears were now streaming down your hot, angry face. Childe just looked at you, waiting for you to end what you had to say. “I am tired of waiting! I am tired of keeping us hidden, yes, I agreed to it too in the beginning, but now? Dammit, Ajax. I don’t want to be left alone here when you go to Liyue, I don’t want to wait if I don’t know for how long I should wait. I just- “it became harder for you to speak, sobs interrupting you every few seconds. “I wish you would let me join you.” Except for your sobs, which you tried to supress, silence fell over the two of you. Childe just stood there in front of you, watching how you tried to stop the tears. “You know I can’t take you with me. It’s… it’s not safe,” he said after a while. You didn’t expect for him to change his mind, however his words didn’t make you feel any better… on the contrary they made you feel even feel worse. “Leave me alone,” was all you could tell him in that moment. You didn’t want to have him near you, you didn’t want to see his stupid face or look at his sad, blue eyes. Right now, you only wanted to be alone. “(Y/N)”, Childe began softly, wanting to take you in his arms but the look you gave him made him stop dead in his tracks. “Please, I need to be alone now”. The atmosphere was heavy, both of you didn’t want to part on bad terms but – right now wasn’t the right moment to make up. “I will leave you alone, but (Y/N)”, he said, looking at you with regret about how he acted just earlier, “please wait for me.” You scoffed at his words. Wait for him, again. “(Y/N)”, you turned away, so you didn’t have to see his face when he spoke your name again. “(Y/N), please. Please promise me that you will wait for me, I’ll come back, I promise you and I will make up for this… and for making you always wait for me. I promise. You make a pinkie promise, you keep it all your life. You break a pinkie promise, I throw you on the ice.” At the mention of the nursery rhyme you had to chuckle a bit. “The cold will kill the pinkie that once betrayed your friend,

the frost will freeze your tongue off, so you never lie again,” you finished it, looking back at him. “Fine, I’ll wait. But leave now.” And with that Childe left you alone, leaving Morespesok for Liyue the next day.

It has been a few months now since Childe came to Liyue and while his endeavours here were more or less successful, what was on his mind most of the days was you and how you both parted. He wanted to kick himself in the arse for how he acted that day, for making you so angry and for making you cry. The worst however is how you haven’t written him a single letter yet and Childe, though he would never admit it because of his pride, was too scared to send you one first. That he should be the first one to send you a letter was something he was aware of but still – he couldn’t find the right words. What should he write? Every time he sat down at his desk, looking at the piece of paper in front of him… he was never able to make it past “Dear (Y/N)”, and even with this he wasn’t sure, maybe “Beloved” would sound better? Childe would’ve even considered asking Zhongli for advice, however after finding out that Childe was just a pawn in his plans – he still considers Zhongli a friend, but before he could ask for advice the feeling of betrayal needs to fade out. And now he got the order to return to Snezhnaya by the end of the next month… he felt so anxious at the thought of seeing you again, not even knowing what happened with you the past months. So in the letter to his family in which he announced is return, Childe asked them, after months of not hearing anything from or about you, how you were. When he held the letter of his family in his hands, he started to feel nervous, it included the answer of your wellbeing. He knew you would keep your promise, but still. What if when not? Reading the contents of the letter, however, made him wish that he had asked sooner. Childe couldn’t stop reading the few lines his family wrote about you over and over again.

You asked about (Y/N) wellbeing in your last letter. Ajax, we wish we could tell you some more pleasant news than this, but we haven't seen or heard anything of (Y/N) for a week now. No one really knows where they might be, the last we know is that they left their home after a fight with their father, but there is nothing more we can tell you.

After reading those few lines, the letter already crumply at the edges from the way he held onto it, Childe decided to immediately make his way back home. In his opinion it didn't matter if he returned sooner than ordered and that was a problem he will face later. For now, he wanted to know what had happened to you, because he couldn't, didn’t want to, believe that you left Morepesok... you promised that you would wait for him. But doubt crept into his heart and his mind - you were so frustrated with waiting, he noticed it before you even said anything that night. However, he kept ignoring it. It wasn't like that Childe didn't also wish for more, to build a home with you, to spend more time with you. The feeling of not being good enough for you, something your father and others in Morepesok made clear to him since your childhood together, and the fear of putting a visible target on your back by being by your side... all of it held him back.

The way back home only took him a few days and when he came close to his village, seeing the once so well-known roofs and chimney of the houses, he took a junction into the woods, making his way to the secret hideout of you two. When he arrived, he noticed how it looked lived in, at first a relive for Childe, until he saw the traces of a fight - and blood on the floor. He was quick to follow the trail of blood, the father he went away from the hideout the more blood was on the ground. Suddenly he could hear a strangers voice in the distance.

"Answer me you stupid bitch!", you felt a hand pulling you up by your hair, but you were already too tired, too beaten up and injured to even respond to that violent pull. All you tried to do was to keep your hands on your stomach, trying to stop the blood from gushing out. You could barely remember what had happened, how you got there. It all started over a week ago, when you father came with another suitor wanting to marry you. Like always you turned him down, saying you had no interest in marriage, this time however he wasn't as understand as the others were. The whole thing ended in you having a huge fight with your father about it, he tried to pressure you even more than usual to take that fella as your husband. It made you sick, you just couldn't stomach being around him anymore. You always wanted to make him happy, always feared of disappointing him. But this? Him asking you to marry a random person? It was something you just couldn't do. So you went away, ran out to the little hideout planning to stay there until Childe came back. You wanted to wait for him - you even got over your stupid pride and sent away a letter for him earlier this morning... and maybe this was your mistake. Carefully you tried not to be noticed by the people in your village, you didn’t want anyone to worry about you, however you also didn’t want to explain your disappearance for the last few days. The man who your father tried you to accept as a fiancé however seemed to have spotted you when you left the post-office. It was already too late when you realised that you were followed - the man made his way into the place that was only meant for you and Childe. After that your memory started to get blurry, how was that even possible it just had happened. He attacked you, you fought back, though the man was just stronger... you ran away, feeling the blood already coming from your stomach. Your body started to become weaker, your legs grew heavier and slower until you fell. Now he was above you, grabbing your hair and screaming. It was hard to even focus on what that man said to you, too tired grew your body and mind. 'I have to stay awake', you thought. It was clear that if you lost consciousness now... well, who knows what would happen then, you only knew it wouldn't be good. You had to wait for Childe, you had to be there when he got home.

There were more than a few things in Childes live he wished he never had to see. Seeing your limp body, blood streaming out of your stomach which you could barley cover with your hand, your hair in the hands of some stranger and your eyes struggling to stay open – yes, Childe wished this was something reserved for his nightmares, not for the reality he had to face now. It didn’t even take second for him to react at that sight, swiftly being next to that man and cutting his hand off with one of his blades, kicking the rest of him away. Childe would have loved to take his time with that man, torture him, make him regret that he was born, but what was more important was to stop your bleeding. Quickly Childe sat down next to you on the ground, using his scarf to stop the bleeding. “Ajax,” he could hear you whisper quietly. “Hey, I’m here, everything is fine, everything is going to be okay.” You desperately tried to keep your eyes open, to look at him. He was a mess, his eyes filled with fear and panic spread across his face. Never had you seen him with such an expression. For only what felt a few seconds you closed your eyes and then – “Hey, (Y/N) hey, open your eyes, talk to me”, you opened them and realised that you were in Childes arms now, his eyes switching from you to what was apparently the way to Morepesok. “Ajax…”, it was so cold. When did it became so cold again? “I waited for you and now you’re here… I waited. Kept my promise.” The last few words came out slurred. “Yes, I'm here, you don’t have to wait anymore. I promise you don’t have to wait for me ever again, just please-“ his breathing was heavy, he ran as fast as he could to the village in the hopes that the healers there could help you, that there was anyone who was able to help you now. “Please, don’t close your eyes, okay?” Before you could even answer him that you will try to keep them open you could already feel yourself slip out of conscious again. All you could say before everything went dark was his name again. “Ajax…”

The first thing you noticed was a warm hand on yours. Even before you opened your eyes you knew which hand it was. “Ajax,” you were a bit shocked at the sound of your own voice. It sounded so weak. You opened your eyes, seeing into those deep blue eyes looking at you. “(Y/N)”, he didn’t sound any better. Only now you started to notice the dark circles under his eyes and how his hair looked even messier than usual. Was he by your side the whole time? “How are you feeling?”. “Better than you apparently”, you joked, weakly grinning at him. He smiled back, rubbing the backside of your hand with his thumb. “I’m glad you’re better,” he replied quietly, looking down at the hand he was holding. “I’m glad you’re here.” At that his smile faded, turning into a sad expression and you already knew what this meant. “Don’t tell me…” “I’m sorry, I wasn’t even supposed to be here just yet and my early departure from Liyue apparently has caused some issues and… well, I was able to stay here until you woke up. The deal was when you wake up or-, well that doesn’t matter now. The deal was that I had to go back and fix the damage I caused once you wake up, which is honestly way more generous than I had anticipated.” You didn’t really understand what he was exactly talking about, you were still tired, but all you knew was that he had to go again. There wasn’t any energy left in your body to hold back the tears that were now falling down your face. Childe cupped your face in his hands, wiping away your tears with his thumb. “Hey, listen,” he said softly. “I promise you won’t have to wait for too long, when you recovered, I will send for you.” At this your ears peaked, looking at Childe with hopeful eyes. “Send for me, you mean-?”. “Yes, this time around I’ll be the one waiting for you to arrive in Liyue and not you’re waiting for me to come home.” At that you threw your arms around his neck wanting to hug him, causing you to hiss in pain. You forgot that you still had a stomach wound. “Careful now”, he laughed a bit at how enthusiastic you were about the news that you forgot your injury. “You promise that I will really join you in Liyue?”, you still couldn’t fully believe that he really was fine with it. “You make a pinkie promise, you keep it all your life. You break a pinkie promise, I throw you on the ice,” you leaned back and held your pinkie up in the air. Childe smiled at you softly, interlocking his pinkie with yours. “The cold will kill the pinkie that once betrayed your friend, the frost will freeze your tongue off, so you never lie again.”

[izusun]

Headcanon: Izuku is into DIY.

Hot Take: Izuku would create a long furby. He has a collection of various eldritch creepy long furbies. Katsuki absolutely refuses to go into his room because of them. He would've exploded them by now but that would make Izuku cry.

Other CursedTM Things that Izuku does that makes Katsuki die inside and that Katsuki tries to hide from the rest of Class 1-A:

He's a part of the Vulture Culture community and collects roadkill and dead animals to turn into bones.

He has a collection of shitty All Might hawaiian shirts.

He has a collection of stuffed animals. They all have names ripped from Lovecraft such as "Yawgsathoth" and "Mother of Pus"

He writes fanfiction of the heroes.

He has a giant worm on a string plush, and his room is also decorated with Worms on Strings (you have no idea how much Katsuki had to bribe him not to add worms on strings to his uniform blazer)

He does have a plague doctor mask and will regularly just go out in a cloak and his mask

He cosplays exclusively female heroes, and crossdresses the worst dresses

He basically does art makeup, on his face and the face of Katsuki

"Hey what are you reading?" "Oh, this book on how to cook frogs."

He will eat anything. Including stuff that is on the ground. He has an iron stomach.

The actual reason Izuku hangs up All Might everywhere (it used to be a mix of all heroes) is because once in middle school Katsuki accused him of being straight, so he put him up everywhere and continued the habit, Katsuki hates his room now

- Goblin Anon (otherwise known as Goblin anon projects everything she does or wants to do onto her fav)

HI GOBLIN!!! GENUINELY SCREAMED AT THIS AU BECAUSE WTF

even i would not want to enter the beloved’s (izuku’s) room because of his shit.

i’ve searched up long furbys and i am, simply put, traumatized. i had a collection of furbys when i was a kid but we had to give them away because there’s too much of them. but long furbys? i am very much scared.

there’d be a picture of a long furby under the cut, and i’m genuinely terrified of the fucker.

also, can i just say that izuku writing fanfictions is the least cursed thing that he does? because like, reading the rest is like looking at that picture where you can’t decipher a single thing because, again, wtf izuku.

but they’re also funnier? creepier? because i can genuinely see izuku doing those dhekdoowks

✄┈┈┈

this shit would probably be snaking around the frames of izuku’s door. or he probably has one at the corner of his wall, the one that meets with the ceiling, and when a visitor looks up, they’re greeted by the sight of this centipede looking furby that has additional four eyes that izuku lovingly and carefully sewn on. it’s so nightmarish :’)

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

the vulture culture part started when they were young. his interest started when he saw a documentary on how to pin butterflies and he was like, “you know what? thats actually something i want to do!” but! BUT!! he cannot catch a butterfly, thus he settled for mounting dragonflies which he collected in the nearby stream (where katsuki fell).

fun fact about mounting dragonflies: they lose colours when they’re dead. you can use acetone to not only help preserve its colours, but also to stop its decay. they decay so quickly, it’s terrible.

anyways, izuku does not know that and instead followed a youtube video of how to mount dragonflies, using an old picture frame as the case.

inko comes home, sees his son doing his stuff and is just happy that izuku’s not rewatching that loud all might video. she helps him pin the other wings and they are fascinated at how pretty they look. well, the next day, the wings are now transparent and the belly side of the dragonflies are black. it also stinks so they had to throw the whole thing plus the case.

izuku’s fascination grows from there.

a failed experiment, after all, instigates the desire to right them.

so that’s where he starts: butterflies, moths, beetles, another dragonfly case.

katsuki is fascinated and disgusted because, “why would you want dead insects in your room, deku?”

the rest began when the bakugou’s and the midoriya’s have road trips. inko doesn’t have a car so the bakugou’s drive along with them, and it’s a good day. the kids are having fun and getting along, and the parents are chilling and enjoying their vacation. life is good.

then on their drive home, izuku, who is sitting sandwiched between katsuki and inko, lets out this blood-curdling scream. it wakes katsuki up and almost had masaru swerving the car out of the highway.

“maru-san (because my boy izuku cannot say masaru) can you please stop the car! i wanna get that!” he screams, pointing at something indecipherable by the side of the roads.

masaru does anyways because it’s so rare for izuku to request something, but also his heart’s still pumping so fast after izuku’s scream.

masaru wasn’t even done stopping the engine when the car doors are opening, and katsuki and izuku are tumbling out, hand-in-hand. masaru and inko follow them closely, while mitsuki stayed to watch over the car.

katsuki’s excited for an adventure, but then izuku just. stops them. in front of a skull.

masaru chokes from behind them and katsuki lets go of izuku’s hand so fast, running back to his dad because, again, “deku what the shit?”

izuku ignores him and gestures at the deer skull, one that has moss growing by the teeth and around the jaw, turning to inko to ask, “mama? can we bring that home?”

masaru feels very faint, but doesn’t say anything when inko easily agrees, laughing at her boy and patting his untameable hair as if your child asking you for a carcass’s skull is normal.

inko picks it up and they go back to the car. mitsuki does a double-take on what inko’s holding, but shushes up when she saw izuku bouncing happily. katsuki hesitantly sits beside izuku, but when izuku began yammering about all might, he forgets about the skull and nerds out with izuku.

inko explains to mitsuki and masaru about her son’s newfound interest, telling them that it’d go away in two years, don’t worry.

it didn’t. instead, his interest and his collection grew. so for his subsequent birthdays, along with hero merch, he has vulture culture collections gifted to him.

when he moved to the dorms, they’re more packaged than his hero merch and katsuki wants to get angry because he’s been looking for those limited hero merch and yet there they are, chilling beside izuku’s many many skulls and bones.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

IZUKU STARTED COLLECTING THE ALL MIGHT HAWAIIAN SHIRTS WHEN HE WAS TWELVE

he ransacked for the very first edition, often saving his allowance just so he can buy the retro versions of the all might hawaiian shirts. sometimes he’d barter, but that’s only when he’s really desperate for the shirts. usually he’d just be in an auction site and buy just those.

he’d take katsuki with him and katsuki is very careful in what to buy, often researching the things and having a very long pros and cons list to narrow down what he’d buy, then his best bud izuku just out there buying all might hawaiian shirts.

funniest thing too is that those are the first to go because they? don’t value much? and they’re ugly, tbh, and yet izuku’s slurping them all up.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

the first time class 1a were talking about plushies, izuku dropped the names and they’re confused because-

“bro did you name your plushies with lovecraft names?” OR “bro? do you perhaps have personalized lovecraft toys?”

it’s the earlier one but izuku would want to buy personalized lovecraft monster toys.

ok but? he names them as per the appropriate lovecraft characters? like:

a purple octopus plushie is called azathoth.

a green gecko plushie is called bokrug.

a fish plushie (literally nemo) is called dagon instead of nemo.

a pink jellyfish plushie is mother of pus.

he has other plushies that have normal names (well, as normal as naming a plushie “cheese grater”), but he has a collection of specific plushies that align with lovecraft beings.

he writes all might x reader fanfictions, i’m sorry ;v;

he only writes them because he doesn’t want other heroes with all might, but also the reader pairing gets more views than all might with other heroes.

katsuki caught him writing a slowburn, enemies to lovers all might x reader fanfic and proceeded to proofread it for him.

synopsis of the fanfiction: reader is a villain with a sound quirk (tailored to present mic’s quirk) and all might met them in a hero gala where the reader pretended to be a worker so that they could infiltrate the gala’s holder’s office for a specific banking access that is linked to the world’s bank. all might manages to sniff them out and proceeds to fight them, but when a beam is about to hit the reader, all might swoops in and saves them. cue the reader developing unwanted feelings for their greatest foe, all might.

aND THEN!!! all might knows the reader outside of their villain persona and is actually very much taken by them. so it’s a painful surprise that the reader is a villain. but he is willing to save them.

it is still incomplete despite having 102 chapters. by chapter 78, katsuki asked for payment because shit was too long and too angsty.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

HEISOSL IZUKU HAS A WORM ON A STRING DOOR CURTAIN

he genuinely likes them but creating the door curtain kind of extinguished that interest because that’s just too much worms and too much strings for a single curtain, and it was very much tiring.

he has a tiny one stitched on his blazer and inko heaved this really big sigh when she saw that her son’s crisp UA uniform got a worm by the chest pocket.

aizawa eyed it once and was so close to expelling izuku just because of that.

shouto, when they became friends, sends a box of them to izuku because he thought that those are izuku’s favourite. katsuki had not stopped cackling when he saw the huge box of them.

to punish katsuki, he made a furby with worm hair and left it by katsuki’s door. katsuki’s scream woke everyone up.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

the moment he walked out with a plague mask, tokoyami was exiting his dorm room too and they made a long eye contact.

tokoyami does not know if he is amazed by izuku’s plague mask or he is terrified because why does it look authentic.

for halloween, he was a plague doctor.

he stowed them away after saving eri.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

his first women hero cosplay was in third grade when they had a play about different heroes. the girl who was playing ragdoll got sick and everyone’s already strapped in as their hero and unwilling to change. izuku, himself, is present mic (katsuki’s all might).

the girls don’t want to give up their heroes and izuku, the bestest boy, goes and says he will become ragdoll.

their teacher agrees and helps him strap in as ragdoll and you know what, izuku loves it.

from then on, he tries to cosplay as much women heroes that he can afford. inko loves helping him and katsuki thinks he is adorable but! dont tell deku!!!

OK BUT he wore the dress that broke the internet once and katsuki almost exploded the dress off him. almost because izuku dodged and warned him that if he ever breaks that dress, katsuki will have to pay (either monetary or revenge, katsuki doesn’t know so he behaved).

FOR HALLOWEEN, HE WORE THIS AND KATSUKI HATES IT

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

izuku painting star freckles on his face!!!! or heart freckles!!!! or flowers!!!!

izuku in fairy makeup, pleaseee!

he also loves giving katsuki his own freckles because something about blonde hair and red eyes with pale cheeks kissed by freckles is making izuku gay panic.

izuku putting concealer on his own freckles once and his classmates are looking at him weirdly, wondering why he looks off?

like he still looks amazing, but something’s missing. it’s fucking them up and katsuki isn’t helping them so they’re trying to piece what’s up.

it takes monoma sneering at izuku and asking where his eight freckles are that 1a realizes why he looks different.

ok but denki asking monoma why he knows how much freckles izuku has and monoma spluttering, bright red and embarrassed, until he just walks away.

(answer: he’s crushing on green bean).

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

IZUKU HAVING A COLLECTION OF LIKE ARCHAIC? BREWING? STUFF? BOOKS.

i dont know how to explain it but my friend has this specific book about poisons, detailing recipes and ingredients.

it also talks about the use of frogs, lizards, snakes. the benefits of different flowers (ones with toxins) and how to use them during tea time.

it’s bizarre but the book looks pretty so i think izuku would have a handful of those in his room.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

izuku eating grass? flowers? trying dandelions and complaining that it’s furry

izuku wandering what a twig tastes like so he just sucks on it like a lollipop.

inko gave up on stopping him because her son would just eat anything but his broccolis, and she’s very much tired of thinking if izuku would have an upset stomach. he never had.

first time mitsuki saw izuku do that, she forced him to drink cola and eat candy to cleanse his palette.

katsuki goads him on eating more.

izuku’s favourite is chewing on maple leaves. he’s just a weird boy.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

OK BUT THE FINAL ONE ABOUT HIS ALL MIGHT POSTERS?? I HAVENT STOPPED LAUGHINGF

izuku wanting more all might figurines than posters. he only has some chemistry stuff (periodic table) on his wall, a little tapestry that matches inko’s, a canvas of monet’s water lilies (again, matching inko), and some cosmic facts that he bought online.

and yk katsuki sees those and thinks that it’s so weird that izuku has those posters but not all might?

his first thought was, “he doesn’t like all might as much as i do.”

the following one is, “he’s straight so he doesn’t want a guy’s face on his wall.”

katsuki’s mouth so happens to say the second one and the next week he visited izuku’s room again, each surface of the wall that is not taken by pinned insects and his frog-book stuff, plus his other existing non-hero posters, is covered in just all might posters.

he belatedly realizes that his own face is also on izuku’s wall, but that’s for later musings because for now he’s jealous that izuku managed to scourge the limited all might posters, but also is disgusted a bit because that’s too much all might.

katsuki walks out before his interest in all might plummets.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

ps to my beloved: ﹤୨♡୧﹥

GOBLIN I LOVE YOUR AUS ALL THE TIME AND IM SORRY FOR RESPONDING SO LATE! YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME SMILE AND I LOVE U!!!! you’re genuinely so precious pls dont stop your ramblings!!!!

[hueningkoi]

In honor of Murdy's first birthday tomorrow I'm gonna info dump about my oc's. Yolo. Long post ahead lol feel free to scroll past 😅

Oldest sibling on the left is 31 yr old Murdy Pine of course they are a lil wild card energetic and obnoxious pansexual nonbinary he/they and acts like the youngest. Gets into A LOT of trouble. Always seems to have new clothes and buys people things for them but neither Zed or Mo have any idea what Murdy does for a living. He disappears a lot and comes back suspiciously overly cheerful. Has a concerning neck scar and missing part of his left ear and they come up with a different ridiculous story about what happened everytime it comes up. The last story he told he said he he lost his ear during a poker game with one of the k*ardashian's bodyguards. Murdy got "caught cheating" and the guy lost it and "went all mike tyson on my ass." No one believes them.

Murdy's younger brother is Zed Pine in the pic in the middle. He is an Edgelord. Angsty little 26 yr old. He is really athletic and loves to play sports but he is also not social or extroverted at all but for some reason attracts jocky social butterfly dude bros all the time? He goes to the gym and everyone there loves him even tho he barely says anything to them? He has been adopted by his entire local gym and he doesnt know what to do about it Murdy help him please. He also is an insomniac and seems like he never sleeps and is a long suffering younger brother to a ball of chaos named Murdy Pine. He's also asexual or demisexual he doesn't know all he knows is he can't be bothered with all that but sometimes the guys at the gym look sorta nice to him physically? Maybe? Meh. Whatever. *pulls his pokemon game out and ignores you*

Mo Pine in the drawing on the right is their younger cousin she's 17 and she tries hard to be a tough person but is such a cinnamon roll underneath. She is like Murdy and Zeds unnofficial little sister even though she's always the one telling Murdy to drink some freakin water and Zed to go THE HELL TO SLEEP Or she'll kick their asses which they know she never will because she learned that she can't throw a punch to save her life. She's not allowed to cook because she'll set the kitchen on fire. She is clumsy on her feet and can and will trip and fall on literally nothing. The ground loves her. She's tired of skinning her hands from falling so. The gloves. Also she's probably not gay right? Murdy always makes hints about it and she's not dumb she knows what they are getting at but like... Yesterday this girl at the Cafe winked at her and Mo ran into a table and knocked the napkin dispenser off and she was so embarrassed she couldn't look at cafe girl but thats just probably because she's clumsy and embarassed herself and not because that girl had the cutest freckles and made her stomach flip and... well it's whatever.

They all are very close and would die for each other but they all also bug each other so much and would not hesitate to tackle one another to the ground at a moments notice. Classic sibling behavior. Mo and Zed think Murdy is secretly an assassin or a spy or something and they get together once a week and play videos games and talk about what the hell Murdy DOES for a living. There is a folder they've been filling up. It's their project.

Murdy likes to plan surprise birthday parties for Mo and Zed at the most batshit times of the year no where NEAR thier birthdays and even if it's weird and out of nowhere they are always THE BEST PARTIES EVER.

A classmate made fun of Mo for falling going up the stairs at her school and she acted like it didn't hurt her feelings but it did and Murdy was furious. The next day the stairs were missing like completely torn out and the girl who made fun of her was hysterical saying that there was an entire giant pile of destroyed crumbled cement in her living room this morning and her parents were furious and confused and called the police but no one knows how it got there at all still and the school is working on fixing the stairs immediately because they also got an anonymous envelope with a pineapple sticker on it with a donation of money to fix the stairs and a note that said "sorry got a little upset and carried away. Kowabunga brother." Mo is very confused but it kind of made her day.

[chipper-asks]

Any tips on how to grow your own blog by chance?

Aah man I've written a response to this kind of question many times but I always delete it because I'm afraid of coming off as self centered or arrogant, but I definitely have some tips on what works and doesn't work (on tumblr.)

I will say that I never believed I would get to the "Big Fandom Artist" stage. I've seen people drop my name in conversations or descriptions and just assume other people know who I am and that's still incredibly wild to me. I never really pushed to get a big blog it really just happened.

But! I do have rules and personal guidelines that might help if you are thinking of actively building your blog!

1: Keep personal information and vent posts to a minimum

It should go without saying that its not a good thing for your personal information to be on the internet. Once its out there its near impossible to erase. This is for your own safety.

Vent posts give out more information than you might think, but also some people who are following you may be going through difficult times themselves. I go on the internet to get away from my stressors and problems and i've specifically catered my dashboard to reflect my desires. I have no doubt others are the same.

I've unfollowed mutuals because they vented too frequently. I enjoyed what they made! But it stressed me out to read their vent posts because I couldn't help. I realized it was taking a toll on my mental health and I made the tough decision to unfollow.

It is very tempting to vagueblog because its nice getting out all the angry feelings, but a blog with thousands of people following it is not the place to do it.

2: Shitpost vs Quality Foley

I could go into a massive essay on this alone (ive even written out an outline already) but i'll keep it as brief as I can.

Throughout my time on Tumblr I’ve seen a number of posts of artists complaining about the lack of notes on their serious work compared to the abundance of notes on their shitposts.

This is because Tumblr IS a place of shitposts. It's like squeezing a clown nose and expecting it not to honk.

However! It's more complicated than that and i've broken it up into four parts organized by importance.

A. Relevance/Meta: Is it something that people are already familiar with? Is it something that's currently going on?

People want to enjoy things they're already familiar with. For example, people getting into Hollow Knight are more likely to follow a blog that posts HK content regularly over a HK blog that posted a picture of Grimm once and then is full of original content. It's not that people don't like your original stuff, its just not what they're looking for.

If you like striking while the iron is hot, meta jokes are the way to go. Making references to games like Among Us during the height of its popularity for example would get you lots of notes.

B. Hilarity

Is it funny? Does it subvert expectations?

Shitposts will always be more popular than a well drawn post. People like to laugh and share things that laugh. A cool, well drawn post is more often than not met with a "hm, cool. scrolls down."

This is a polished comic I made 10 months ago. I'm very proud of it and i'm pleased with the amount of attention it got. It took me 2 days to finish.

This is a shitpost I made 3 years ago that I still haven't been able to top. It took me 30 minutes to make.

That's not to say a well drawn post can get popular! It's just that people enjoy a good laugh over something shiny. This is a factor of knowing your audience. Some things land better than others and you'll be better off if you just roll with what you get.

I will say tho I appreciate the people who reblog my oc posts 200x more than people who reblog my shitposts and fanart. Those are quality followers and you must cherish them.

C. Appeal

Is it cute? Is it fluffy? Is the design easy to understand? Does it make people emotional? Is it angsty? Is it relatable?

People like cute shit. People like things that make them hurt (albeit not too much). People like things that they can see themselves in.

D. Skill

There is some merit in being good at what you do. People do like funny things more than shiny things, but shiny things are cool too.

If you post things that are funny? You're normal horoscopes.

If you post things that are well drawn? (its really telling that I can't think of someone right off the top of my head)

If you post things that are funny AND well drawn? Well then you're iguanamouth

3: Know your boundaries.

There's a difference between being understanding/tagging things correctly and catering to people who want you to be someone else.

I know that many people get upset with others who gender the vessels in Hollow Knight. While it doesn't bother me, I can recognize the misgendering of vessels as a source of dysphoria and I tag accordingly.

If someone comes into my inbox and tells me to stop drawing a character because they're "problematic," I'm just going to block them and go about my day.

4: This is your blog, its your rules.

I'm apologetically myself on my blog. I post what I want and what inspires me. The reason why I have so many AUs is because its my blog and I like AUs. If a large portion of the fandom doesn't like my AUs, its their loss, I make great AUs.

In fact, its just a good mindset in general to have. If some people don't like what you make, its not your problem. It makes you happy and it makes hundreds of others happy then continue to do what you do. It's impossible to have a large following and not have someone who dislikes you purely out of spite.

Make stuff for yourself, not because you want numbers.

5: Don't feed the trolls.

If someone sends you hate, take a picture of it, share it with your friends, laugh, block the person, delete message, move on with your life.

It's really fun to feed the trolls, but feeding trolls attracts more trolls and soon its not fun anymore. Just laugh when you get your first anon hate, maybe frame it in your room, and don't even acknowledge them with a "fuck you."

6: Recognize your position.

This is more advice for when you do get a big blog. You get to a point when you realize you have a portion of your audience who value much more than a regular human being and are willing to take up arms for you.

Do. Not. Weaponize. Your audience.

It's incredibly shitty and can ruin peoples lives.

7: Post Frequency/Schedule

Now this is one I can't do. It's normal for me to become incredibly active for 2 weeks and then end up posting nothing for a month. I don't have the patience to build up a queue of new things.

However! If you have more discipline than me, posting daily or twice a week builds up anticipation for your next post. You're dependable and people have the chance to look forward to seeing something from you on their dash on Friday.

Thats all I can think of so far.

There's no TL;DR you'll miss my important advice within these tips.

[worldserasingandcreatinginmymind]

Unfaithful | Part Three

Series Summary: After dreaming of your perfect wedding since you were a little girl the big day is almost here. But after meeting the priest you start to question your relationship.

Pairing: Hot Priest x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2828

Warnings: abusive behaviour, a lot of angsty stuff, drunken behaviour and a pinch of fluff

A/N: Please be warned there will be some themes of toxic/abusive relationship in this series. Also, spelling and grammar is not my strongest skill so please be kind :)

Part Two | Masterlist

- - - - -

I sit alone on the bench outside the church, looking out at the empty graveyard in front of me. 

The miserable grey clouds above part and bright sunlight beams down to earth, shining on the Priest who is now walking up the path toward me. The light seems to be following him and as he moves closer I realise he’s dressed in a magnificent purple and gold gown. 

“Why are you wearing that?” I ask

“This is what I’m going to wear when I marry you” 

“Wow, I love it! Not sure Daniel will-”

“Who’s Daniel?” He asks and I laugh, but his serious face tells me he’s not joking.

“Daniel? My fiancé, the man I’m getting married to…”

“What are you talking about? You're marrying me remember?” He sits on the bench next to me, taking my hand and showing me the engagement ring on my finger, a ring I’ve never seen before.

“I- I don't understand. We’re engaged?”

“Are you feeling okay? Yes, we’re engaged and in a few weeks we’ll be husband and wife!” He holds my face gently in his hands and looks deeply into my eyes “I love you Y/N!”

He leans in and kisses me passionately.

— — — — 

My eyes shoot open and I realise I’m in bed. It was just a dream. Why do I feel slightly disappointed? 

Every night since that night at the church the Priest has been in my dreams, and every night the theme has been the same; the Priest and I are in love. 

I shake the thought out of my mind and roll over, reaching over to hug my real life fiancé but my arm falls straight down on the mattress. He isn’t there. 

I sit up and reach over to grab my phone off the bedside table. 9:30am! I must have needed that lie in. I roll out of bed, wrap my dressing gown around myself and head down stairs to the kitchen. I need coffee. 

Walking into the kitchen I find Daniel sat at the table waiting for me. 

“Morning!” I greet him cheerfully as I fill up the kettle “coffee?”

“No thanks.” He responds dismissively, changing the subject. “The other day, when I came home from the pub and you stormed out… where did you go?"

“I just went for a walk” I answer honestly

“Where?” 

“I don't know, I just wondered around for a bit and found a bench to sit on” 

“Alone?” 

“Yeah” I lie

“So you sat on a bench in the dark and drank all alone” He places an empty silver and green can on the table and looks at me accusingly, waiting for a response. 

“You went through my bag?” I silently curse myself for not throwing the can away yet.

“I was looking for something”

“What?”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER!” He slams his hand down on the can, crushing it against the table “You met him didn’t you? Father whatever his name is. I saw the same can of G&T in his office”

“Okay fine, yes I saw him. I didn’t plan to. I just went to the church to think. I thought it was empty but he was there and we talked for a bit”

“And drank”

“I was upset so he offered me a drink.”

“And then you lied to me about it” he says, getting up and slowly walking over to me.

“Because I knew you’d overreact!” I respond, poring the boiling water into my cup and stirring the coffee.

“Oh I’m overreacting am I? Tell me, how am I supposed to react when another man flirts with my fiancé in front of my face?”

“He hasn’t flirted with me Daniel, he’s our priest! He’s just trying to get to know us, but you won’t let him!” 

“I don’t want to get to know that creep!” 

“You know what? I can’t be bothered with this right now” I roll my eyes before saying three words I would instantly regret “You're being pathetic” 

I can almost see the red mist in Daniel’s eyes as he grabs my coffee cup and throws the boiling hot contents straight in my face. I suppress a scream as I wipe the coffee from my eyes, the liquid burning my skin. I run upstairs as fast as I can and lock myself in the bathroom, immediately  splashing cold water over myself. I soak a flannel in water and hold it over my face for a few minutes, trying to cool my burning skin. Daniel starts banging on the door, begging me to open up so he can apologise. When he starts to mention his dad I shut out the sound of his voice, choosing to ignore his excuses. I’ve heard them all before. 

When my skin finally starts to feel a little less on fire I remove the flannel and examine my blotchy red face in the mirror. A few small blisters have already started to form on my cheek and down the side of my neck. I bring my hand up to gently touch them, and hiss with pain as eyes instantly fill with tears. I cover my face with the flannel again and sit on the floor, leaning with my back against the door as Daniel continues to talk on the other side. I stay like that for however long it takes for him to finally leave me alone. Once I’m sure he’s gone I go silently to the bedroom, quickly get dressed and go downstairs. As I’m putting my shoes on Daniel comes running to me.

“Where are you going?” 

“To the hospital”

“No no, please- please don’t go. I’m sorry!” He panics.

“I need something to fix this” I argue, gesturing to the blisters and peeling skin.

���I can fix it!”

“Not this time” I walk out the house, slamming the door behind me. I hear it open again and I turn back to glare at Daniel as he’s about to step out. “Leave me alone!” I warn him before walking off, surprised that he actually obeys me for once. I hail a passing taxi and climb in the back. 

“A&E please” I say and he looks at me through the rear view mirror, his eyes widen as he sees the state I’m in but he doesn’t say anything. He just silently drives me where I need to go. 

— — — — 

“And how did this happen?” 

“I was carrying a cup of coffee when I slipped and fell, throwing the whole lot over myself.” I lie as convincingly as possible as the doctor examines my skin “I can be such a clutz sometimes”

I let out a small awkward laugh which the doctor ignores.

“Hm. Well you're lucky, there’s no permanent damage. It will be painful for a few days but it will heal. I’ll prescribe you some cream which will soothe it but in the mean time go home and take it easy. No more ‘accidents’ okay?” 

I can tell by her voice she doesn’t quite believe my story. 

“Thank you doctor” I say, taking the tube of cream off her and walking outside.

As I stand waiting for another taxi I realise, I’m not ready to face going home yet. There’s only one person I really want to see right now. 

— — — — 

Once again I find myself stood outside the big wooden doors of the church, suddenly doubting whether or not I should be here. I know I want to be here but I also know that if Daniel found out it would create yet another drama. I’m so trapped in my own moral dilemma that I don’t hear the footsteps approach behind me. 

“Y/N?”

I spin around to see the Priest walking toward me. His face goes from confusion, to horror as he sees my skin.

“Holy shit! What happened to your face?”

“I don't really wanna talk about it right now”

“Thats okay, you don't have to tell me anything” he smiles a gently smile and my heart flutters.

“I know it’s the middle of the day and you're my priest but… I don't suppose you have any more gin?”

“You’re in luck” his smile turns into a grin as he lifts up the bag in his hand and I hear the sound of cans clattering inside it.

— — — — 

A couple of hours and a few too many drinks later, the Priest and I are ever so slightly drunk and currently laughing about… well I don't actually know what. Everything just seems hilarious after a few cans of G&T. 

“You know, I think I’ve laughed more with you in the past week than I have in the past year with Daniel” I say, as he hands me another can “Maybe if you’d have been the Priest here when I was a teenager I wouldn’t have stopped coming. Teenage Y/N would have loved you. The old Priest just seemed so… judgy. I couldn’t think of anything worse than telling him my sins” 

“Hey that’s reminds me, you’ve never confessed to me! We should it now” 

“Oh no no no, absolutely not”

“Come on! It’ll be fun”

“Fun for you maybe, not for me! You just want to find out all my secrets”

“Of course I do, that’s why I do this job. That and so I can wear the outfits”

“You’re terrible” I laugh, shaking my head at him

“I know! That’s why you can tell me anything and I won’t judge you. I’ve probably done much worse” 

I get an idea. 

“Okay fine. I’ll confess to you. But you have to confess to me in return” 

“That’s not how this works”

“It is now! I’ll tell you my sins and you tell me yours”

“I’m a Priest, I don't sin”

“You're drunk in a church in the middle of the afternoon, pretty sure you're sinning right now”

“Good point” he thinks for a moment before getting up out his chair “okay, deal. Lets do this” 

I follow him out into the main church toward the confession box. He pulls open the curtain and gestures for me to enter. I do and he closes the curtain behind me before getting into the next box. I can just about see him through the holes in the wall. 

“You go first” I say quickly.

“Okay, um… I drink alcohol in my office on a regular basis”

“That’s a boring one!” I wine

“We’ll get to the good stuff eventually. Your turn”

“Fine. When I was 8 I stole a pencil topper from a bitchy girl in school because I liked it and I didn’t think she deserved it”

“A pencil topper? You criminal!” He laughs 

“It was shaped like Mickey Mouse!”

“How are you not in jail yet” he says sarcastically and I can hear the amusement in his voice “My turn. Sometimes when I hear Pam calling for me I hide in here and lie to her about where I am”

“I don't blame you, that woman scares me” 

“Right?! She’s terrifying!” 

We both burst into laughter, and as it dies down I realise it’s my turn again. I take a deep breath and speak again. 

“I lied to my Daniel about being with you the other night because I knew he’d get angry.” 

Without thinking my hand comes up to gently touch the burns on my face as my mind takes me back to the incident this morning. I snap out of it and turn to look at the wall. For a brief second I catch the Priest looking through the hole at me, but he turns to face the front. 

“I broke my vow of celibacy last year”

“I’ve been having inappropriate dreams about another man while laying in the same bed as my fiancé” 

“I’m in love with you” 

“What?” I say, trying to see him through the holes in the wall but he doesn’t look at me. He just stares down at the floor.

“I’m-” he pauses “I love you”

He finally looks up at me, the sudden eye contact almost takes my breath away. I don't know what to say, I’m completely lost for words. The intensity of his dark brown eyes is too much and I’m forced to look away, looking down as I fiddle nervously with the sleeves of my shirt. 

“Y/N?” 

I quickly get up and walk out of the booth, but he stays put. I stand for a moment looking at the curtain, wondering if he’s going to come out. When he doesn’t I realise its up to me to make a choice. 

I could tell the Priest how I feel about him. I could admit that I’ve imagined what it would be like to kiss him, to hold him, to wake up next to him.

Or I could leave right now and pretend none of this happened, go back home to Daniel. The man I’m engaged to marry. The man who I’ve loved since school. The man who, just this morning, threw boiling hot coffee in my face. 

I make a decision. 

I open the curtain to see the priest still sat on the tiny bench, and he looks up at me with wide eyes. He watches as I squeeze into the booth with him, placing my hands on either side of his face. He stands up slowly so our faces are inches apart and slowly moves in. 

“I love you too”

He looks into my eyes one last time before I close the gap, our lips crashing together. I keep expecting to wake up any second now, for this to just be another cruel emotionally confusing dream. 

But this is real. 

I’m kissing a priest. 

Part Four

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines

[minijenn]

Keys Comm #5

Woooo baby we got a big ol bundle of angst with this comm. Its for an anonymous commissioner, who wanted some angsty interactions between Sora and Young Xehanort following (spoilers?) Sora officially joining the Organization in Keys. This is a pretty fun dynamic to explore (its why its popped up in the last two chapters cause I think its fascinating), so enjoy the angstfest ahead (also if you reblog this do not tag any ships bc thats not what this is if you do i will scratch your eyes out k thanx!)

***

Even though he’s died on more than one occasion, Sora has never felt closer to death’s door than he does now. Now that he’s following his foes willingly, walking through the gates of a castle he’d once stormed as a conquering hero. Only to return as nothing more than a lowly slave.

Ansem and Xemnas head off in separate ways not long after they arrive, leaving Sora alone with Young Xehanort. The young master turns to him with his usual calm grin, though it's tinged with a touch of smug satisfaction that Sora might have once found sickening. But now, he can only incline his head in forced respect for his master, listening in solemn silence to whatever it is he has to say.

“Welcome to your true home, my thirteenth,” he says cordially. “After your last visit here, I trust you know your way around, so I’ll spare you the grand tour. I will, however, gladly show you to your room.”

Sora glances up at this, caught off guard. “...My room?”

“Of course,” Young Xehanort beckons him to follow as he continues on through the castle’s grayscale halls. “Did you really think we’d be barbaric enough to force our most invaluable member to sleep in a dungeon cell?”

“That’s… exactly what I was thinking…” Sora mutters, glancing down.

“I know,” Young Xehanort returns, reminding him yet again that his thoughts are essentially an open book to be read by his master, both old and young alike. “Still, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the room we’ve prepared for you. It used to belong to our previous thirteenth member, you know.”

Sora’s gaze snaps up when he hears this, a pang of grief tugging at his heart at even this indirect mention of Roxas. At even just the thought of any of the beloved friends he’s now lost forever. That grief stings even more when he steps through the threshold of the chamber Young Xehanort takes him to, a clean, largely vacant bedroom that he can all too easily imagine Roxas occupying. A bedroom that’s meant for the Organization’s thirteenth member, both back then… and even now.

“You can take all the time you’d like to settle in later,” Young Xehanort says, still standing in the doorway. “Your induction ceremony is set to begin shortly, and you mustn’t be late for it.”

“I-induction?” Sora glances back at him, confused.

“A way for you to formally accept your place among your fellow members,” Young Xehanort explains. “Believe me when I say they’re all very eager to welcome you into the fold, Sora. However, you will not stand before your Organization wearing that.”

Sora looks down at his usual clothes, already anticipating where this is likely going. Even so, he tries to bite back the rising dread when he asks the obvious question. “What will I be wearing then?”

Young Xehanort’s former grin returns as a bundle of black fabric appears over his outstretched arm. Sora takes in a small, sharp breath when he sees it, the final piece to tie his hideous new appearance together, meant to show exactly what side he stands on now. The side of darkness, the side of his master, the side of Organization XIII.

Sora says nothing as he takes the coat, staring down at it in muted despair. Of course, Young Xehanort only serves to rub salt in the wound with what he has to say next. “Wear it with pride, my thirteenth. It was made to help you to look the part of the role you’re very soon about to play.”

“...What “part” is that anyway?” Sora dares to ask, even though he knows he shouldn’t. “Now that I’m here, don’t I at least deserve to finally know why you chose me and what you want me to do?”

“You’ve already been told why,” Young Xehanort tells him as he turns to leave. “As for what… you’ll learn that in due time, my thirteenth. For now, you have an hour to prepare for your ceremony. I’ll be back to collect you when you’re ready. And remember: everything from the life you knew before must be cast off before you step into our ranks. You belong to us now, Sora; never forget that.”

“I-I won’t… master,” Sora replies, wishing with every fiber of freedom his ruined mind and broken heart has left that he could.

“Very good,” Young Xehanort says, still smiling as he leaves his thirteenth vessel to himself. True to his word, he returns exactly an hour later, and is visibly pleased to see Sora fully clad in his new black coat, finally ready to perfectly fit in among his fellow seekers of darkness.

“Our attire suits you well, Sora,” Young Xehanort notes as he looks over his newest vessel. “Isn’t this much better than those ridiculous clothes the lights gave you to wear?”

Sora doesn’t answer; instead, he glances back at those clothes, folded neatly on the bed behind him. Young Xehanort notices them too, as well as the look of longing written all over Sora’s face. Longing for something he can no longer be a part of. “I’ll dispose of those for you,” he offers, extending a hand out to receive them.

Sora hesitates, his sights still set on the clothes before he briefly offers his master a morose, pleading glance. “C-can I keep them? Please?”

“Really?” Young Xehanort raises a critical eyebrow at this request. “You wish to keep something that will only ever serve to remind you of all of the pain and turmoil you’ve been through? Didn’t you come here to escape the grief the loss of the lights left you with? Wouldn’t you much rather forget about the life you left behind? Don’t you want a fresh start, Sora? A clean slate? A new beginning with your new family?”

No, Sora desperately wants to say, but he doesn’t. He knows he can’t; because whatever family he used to have and love so dearly is long gone now. And the only one he has left is a family he never once thought he’d be a part of. Until now. “Y-yes,” he says softly, a single tear streaking down his cheek. “I do…”

“Then let us go so that family can receive you,” Young Xehanort says, his hand still held out. “But first, your old clothes.” Sora hesitantly nods, slowly taking the clothes from his bed before handing them over to the young master, his hands trembling all the while. “You may not believe it yet, my thirteenth,” Young Xehanort continues, urging Sora onward down the hall. “But you truly do belong here with us. At long last, you’re finally home.”

Sora says nothing to this, his head hung in saddened silence as he begins his solemn march to his long-awaited induction ceremony. Young Xehanort lingers behind for a moment as a dark corridor appears behind him and Saïx steps out of it, exactly as he requested. “Burn these,” the young master coldly commands, handing Sora’s old clothes over to the other member before he continues on his way. “I never want to see them again.”

***

Sora quickly finds that in a world with no real passage of time, the days blend together in a dull, dreary drudgery. He isn’t given any specific tasks to carry out like his fellow members are, with his master merely explaining that his true role is meant to be carried out “at a later time”. So instead, he’s largely left to his own devices. And most of that idle time is spent alone in his room, overwhelmed by grief as he openly despairs over everything that he so swiftly lost.

That grief hardly stays contained to his room however. His powers react to his immense misery, blackened spikes bursting from the gray ground not just in his chambers, but throughout the hallway surrounding it too. Complaints begin to file in from the other members, who find the unbreakable spires to be a gaudy nuisance at best and an impassable obstacle to getting around their own home at worst. And those complaints are what prompts Young Xehanort to pay his newest vessel a visit in the hopes of nipping this newfound problem in the bud.

He enters his thirteenth’s room without knocking, finding Sora sitting on his bed, his knees pulled to his chest and his face buried in them as he weeps softly. Countless black spikes litter the area surrounding him, all but destroying the once pristine room. Young Xehanort scowls as he steps past one of those spikes, interrupting his vessel’s despondent sobs when he speaks up.

“Why are you still mourning over the past?” he asks and Sora glances up with a startled gasp, his eyes still red with tears. “It’s been 2 weeks since you’ve joined our ranks, my thirteenth. You must learn to move on.”

“I-I… I can’t…” Sora looks away, his voice quiet and pained. “I miss them so much…”

“No, you don’t,” Young Xehanort counters as he approaches the bed. “What you miss is the memory of how you felt about them. If you let those feelings go, then you can finally find the strength to move forward.”

“I… I don’t know how to let them go…” Sora admits, leaving out the fact that he doesn’t want to let them go either. That he doesn’t want to forget them or how he felt about them or how much he loved them, how much he still loves them, even now that they’re all long gone.

“Then allow me to show you,” Young Xehanort extends a hand out. And despite his better judgement, it's a hand that Sora anxiously takes as he lets his master ease him into properly sitting up.

“The lesson you need to learn here is a simple one,” Young Xehanort begins, taking a seat on the bed next to him. “Your emotions weigh you down; they always have, and if you continue to let them get the better of you, they always will. You’ve been letting those emotions, your fear, your grief, your worry, cloud your mind and rule your heart. Your magic thus responds to them in turn, making your powers chaotic and uncontrollable.” He places a hand against one of the several spikes surrounding them. “Stopping those emotions from coming completely will take much time and practice for someone as young as you, but you can accomplish it eventually. In the meantime, you can start by suppressing them. And in doing so, you can finally begin to truly live the new life I’ve so generously given to you.”

Sora stays silent for a long moment upon hearing all this, trying to soak it all in. His tears have stopped by now as he finally takes stock of the mess his magic has made of his room, at the disastrous danger he’s always known his powers to pose. He tries to call them back in, but with his sadness still stirring so strongly within him, he finds it to be a largely impossible feat. Unless… “Suppress them?” he looks to his master, lost and confused. “Y-you mean… pretend I don’t feel… anything anymore?”

“Precisely,” Young Xehanort nods. “Pretend… until everyone around you believes in the mask you’ve put on. Until you believe in it yourself. And when you do, suddenly you’ll find that you won’t even have to pretend any longer. The mask will become real.”

This kind of advice is something that’s entirely new to Sora. All his life, he’s been told that his emotions are important, that they matter, that they’re what make him strong, what make him bold, what make him human. But now, he’s being told to throw those emotions away, to cast them off and put on the same mask of cold indifference that every other one of his fellow members so easily wears. It’s not a mask he wants, nor is it one he welcomes; but if it can numb the pain he still so powerfully feels, at least in some small way, then it's a mask he knows he might as well wear. At least until he doesn’t have to anymore.

So he closes his eyes, takes in a deep breath, and forces those emotions back into the depths of his heart. For as difficult as it might be, he somehow shoves the grief, the guilt, the pain, all of it under the surface, just as his master had said. And, when he opens his eyes again, he finds that every single one of the spikes his emotions had unintentionally created… is gone.

“I… it worked…” he balks, genuinely surprised.

“So it did,” Young Xehanort nods his approval. “But this is just the start of what you could do if you learned to truly control your powers, Sora. Your magic is very unique, so strong, yet so untamed in its current state. The lights wanted you to lock that magic, that part of yourself that’s so natural and so special, away simply because they deemed it to be ‘dangerous’. But here in the darkness, you’re free to wield those powers however and whenever you please. You’re finally free to be yourself.”

Free… not to express his emotions anymore, but his powers in their place. And really, now that he’s come all this way and has started settling into his place among the shadows, that’s exactly what Sora realizes he needs to do. To embrace who he is now… and leave behind whoever he used to be.

“P-please,” he begins, looking to his master earnestly. “I want to… I’ve never been able to…” he trails off, shaking his head as he steadies himself and starts his request again. “C-can you show me how to use my powers the right way, master?”

Young Xehanort grins broadly, a spark of what almost seems like pride flashing across his face as he places a hand on his newest vessel’s shoulder. “Oh, my thirteenth,” he says, his grip on the boy tightening ever so slightly as he speaks. “I would be more than happy to.”

***

Sora does what he can to avoid the other Organization members. He isn’t fond of the idea of forming a friendly relationship with any of his foes-turned-allies, and he’s certain just about all of them feel the same. So he mostly keeps to himself, only really leaving his room for the sake of magic lessons with his master and to fetch some food every few times a day. For the most part, he isn’t bothered by any of the other members he happens to pass by on his way to the castle’s kitchen. A few, such as Vexen or Demyx, will sometimes shoot him dirty looks, but otherwise won’t say anything to him. But of course, today on his way to get something for lunch, he’s unfortunate enough to quite literally run into two of the members who openly hate him most.

He’s largely lost in his own thoughts when he rounds a corner, only to collide squarely into Larxene. “Ugh! Stupid brat!” she hisses, harshly shoving Sora to the ground. “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?!”

“Now, now, Larxene,” Marluxia says as he steps in to stand alongside her. “We shouldn’t be so rude to our newest member. After all, I’m sure it's very hard for him to focus on much of anything other than how much he misses his dearest, now-dead friends…”

“Pfft,” Larxene snorts out a laugh. “Yeah, poor little kiddo must be soooo lonely.” She grins wickedly as she suddenly reaches down, grabbing Sora by the front of his coat and pulling him up off the ground. “If you’re that bummed out, why don’t we keep you company for awhile?”

“N-no thanks,” Sora shudders, trying his best to pull away from Larxene’s surprisingly tight grip. “You really don’t have to-”

“Nonsense,” Marluxia says with a smug smirk to perfectly match Larxene’s. “We’d be remiss if we didn’t take the opportunity to spend some… quality time with our newest member. And besides-” Sora gasps in sudden fear when Marluxia summons his deadly scythe, Larxene’s knives flashing into her free hand as she holds them up threateningly. “We both have some unfinished business with you, number thirteen.”

Larxene abruptly throws him to the ground once more, calling upon a dark barrier in the space behind Sora to keep him from slipping away. “Aw, don’t look so scared, Sora,” she chuckles as both her and Marluxia brandish their weapons. “We just wanna have a little fun with you…”

“Fun indeed…” Marluxia agrees, drawing the tip of his scythe in dangerously close to Sora. “And perhaps… just a little payback too…”

Sora is unable to stifle a pained cry as the scythe suddenly rips across the right side of his jaw, creating a long, deep cut that tears all the way up toward his nose. The blood from it leaks across the rest of his face, to the point that he accidentally catches a taste of the bitter fluid when it inevitably leaks into his mouth. He doesn’t get a chance to nurse the new wound however, before a sharp, brutal shock ripples its way through his body, sending him flying back hard into the barrier behind him. Larxene laughs in twisted amusement as she keeps her electrifying magic pouring into him, until he quickly reaches the point where he can’t bear the agony of it any longer.

“S-stop!” he cries in the seconds between shocks. “P-please… stop…”

“You’ve resorted to begging for mercy?” Marluxia sneers unsympathetically. “And just when I thought you couldn’t get any more pathetic.”

“Seriously, what are you? Some kind of dumb dog that thinks those sad little puppy eyes of yours will convince us to cut you some slack? Please,” Larxene scoffs, raising her knives to toss them his way. “Get over yourself. You might have gotten lucky enough to beat us both before, but you’re nothing now.”

“Nothing more than a shadow of who you used to be,” Marluxia adds, raising his scythe high for another painful strike. Sora braces himself for the brunt of both attacks, closing his eyes and shielding himself away from the vicious torture they both intend to put him through. And yet in the end, those attacks never come.

He opens his eyes seconds later when he hears the sounds of Marluxia and Larxene’s weapons striking solid metal. The pair winces in apt surprise when Young Xehanort fends them off, using a bit of his own dark magic to swiftly shove them both away. He stands in the space between the duo and Sora, his Keyblade called upon seemingly for the purpose of defending his newest vessel from their violent ire.

“Do you two really have nothing better to do with your time than harass our newest member?” he scowls coldly at Marluxia and Larxene as they begin to pick themselves back up from his brutal attack.

“W-we were just-”

“I know exactly what you were doing,” Young Xehanort abruptly cuts Larxene off. “Whatever disdain you might harbor for our thirteenth must be put behind you. He is one of us now, and I expect you to treat him as such. Do you both understand or is that too much for your simple minds to comprehend?”

Marluxia and Larxene exchange frustrated glance at this, both of them clearly humbled and embarrassed by their young master’s admonishment. In the end, however, Larxene crosses her arms, simply nodding as she glares away. Marluxia is similarly bitter as he offers his answer aloud. “Yes, master.”

“Then in that case, you’re both dismissed to return to your actual duties instead of wasting your time standing around here,” Young Xehanort instructs, dismissively waving them both away.

The pair quickly retreats after this, though not before they both look past Young Xehanort to offer Sora one final hateful glare. He only barely hears Larxene hiss something about him being “master’s pet” to Marluxia before they round the next corner, finally leaving him alone with that master once more.

“I apologize for the misguided hostility of your fellow members, Sora,” Young Xehanort turns to him, extending a hand out to help him up. “It seems as though some of them are having a hard time letting the past go. Are you alright?”

As shaken as he still is by the recent attack, Sora struggles to collect himself enough to do much of anything else outside of accepting the hand his young master is offering to him. “I… y-you… you saved me…” he mutters, bewildered by the very thought.

“Of course, I did,” Young Xehanort offers him a cordial, almost kindly smile. “You’ve suffered more than enough by now. There is no need for you to suffer any more, especially at the hands of your own allies. You’ve been through enough of that when you were back with the lights, I’m sure.”

Sora sighs at this mention of his lost friends, though he maintains his mask well enough as he lightly traces the scar now marring most of his face. He flinches when Young Xehanort suddenly reaches out to touch it too, though as soon as his fingers so much as skim the still-bleeding cut, his skin weaves itself back together, the pain that it caused him all but disappearing completely.

“There,” the young master tilts his vessel’s chin up a bit to inspect his now-clean face. “Like it never happened. After a few more of our lessons together, I’m sure you’ll be more than capable of defending yourself against the petty wrath fellow members might decide to inflict against you. But until then, you can depend on me to protect you, my thirteenth.”

Even against the emotions he’s still trying to keep hidden under the mask, Sora can’t help but feel something he can’t believe he has toward his young master of all people. A sense of genuine gratitude, a deep, genuine gratefulness for the protection Young Xehanort is offering him, for the kindness he’s extended toward him in a time when he so desperately needs it most. In the absence of anyone he might have once sought that same sort of kindness from instead. “T-thank you… master,” he whispers, bowing his head in respect that, perhaps for the first time, is completely earnest, completely on his own accord.

“Think nothing of it, my thirteenth,” Young Xehanort’s smile widens in the satisfaction of knowing he now has Sora exactly where he wants him. In knowing that he now owns every part of his thirteenth vessel: body, heart, and mind alike. “After all, it’s my job to warmly welcome you into our ranks. And I’m so glad to see that you're finally starting to feel like you’re right at home here with us. With me.”

Commissions are CLOSED

[taelme]

all at once, the happiness i knew (1)

request: Hi! before i request, i just wanted to say that you’ve literally become one of my fave authors and ive been binging the dnyl series during quarantine. i’d like to request a donghyuck au (or honestly whatever you want to do) thats angsty. 

genre: kind of single parent!au??, established relationship!au?( fluff, angst with happy ending, haechan is kind of best boy) 

pairing/s: Haechan / Female Reader (ft Jaehyun and Chenle) 

word count: 23k+ 

tw: unplanned pregnancy, might get kind of heavy! but dont worry! bc it ends well! 

a/n: hello! this is something a bit different from what i usually do since i dont rly do much angst stuff but i decided to kind of like challenge myself and like do this in my own style? so it might not be like Super angsty for u angst buffs out there but it hurt me HAHA so yes thank you to the anon that requested this and thank you for being patient! i took very long with this i know but yes! enjoy!! ill put a link to the part 2 which is the second half of this au at the end!! read this on ao3 part 2

donghyuck 7:51pm - where are you now? -

You frowned from where you lay on the bed, casting an apathetic glance at your phone, though the simple text had sent waves of mixed feelings into your heart.

You didn’t want to answer him, in fear that you would grow to miss him even more if you saw him, though when you heard the knock on your bedroom door the next minute, it was safe to say there was no going back.

Shoving your phone into your back pocket, you took a deep breath, exhaling and relaxing your shoulders as you made your way over to open your bedroom door, revealing your boyfriend Donghyuck, an urgency to his gaze as he’d shut the door behind him, wasting no time to pull you into a hug. You heard the telltale sound of the door locking behind him.

Almost instantly, your face had pulled into a frown as you let your head rest against his shoulder, your forehead creasing as you bit your lip, something about the way he sighed into your shoulder making you awfully melancholic.

You’d felt him tilt his head, pressing a long kiss to your cheek, beginning to trail kisses down your neck, a huff of cool air against your neck making shivers run down your spine.

“Why are you here?” You sighed deeply, though you didn’t make any move to push him away when his arms had wrapped around you snugly, his hand going to your back pocket, pulling your phone out smoothly and pulling his lips abruptly from your neck.

“Excuse me, what’s the point of having a phone if you’re not going to reply me?” He sulked, pulling away and quirking an eyebrow at you, holding your phone up in front of you for emphasis.

You sighed, scrunching your nose as you tried to get rid of the heavy feeling within you, your hands finding purchase on his back, wanting to hold him close to you even more now that he was here.

“And, you didn’t really think you could skip my farewell, did you?” Donghyuck scoffed, tossing your phone onto your bed as he returned his hands to your waist, slowly trailing them downwards and tucking them snugly into your back pockets.

“Well, it’s not like it was fun for me,” you huffed, shaking your head at him.

“Everyone was making it seem like you were dying. ‘Oh, Donghyuck we’ll miss you’, ‘oh, Donghyuck you’re gonna be gone for so long!’,” you mimicked, your voice raising in agitation, “you know, one lady even gave me a pity stare. Do you know how pathetic that made me feel?”  

It was safe to say Donghyuck didn’t have to ask to know you were feeling (more than a little) down about him leaving, your outburst laying everything out clearly for him.  

“I don’t want to go either, you know,” he let out a small sigh, leaning back against the door, pursing his lips, his hand going under your shirt to rub at the skin of your back soothingly.

You nodded, your hands coming up to his shoulders, squeezing gently.

“I know, I'm sorry. I know how important it is, for you to just, you know, see this through… for your future—”

“You mean for my parents,” he corrected, his tone laced with spite.

Shooting him a pointed look, you continued, “hey, you can’t say this isn’t a hell of a good opportunity for you, especially because of the job at their company waiting for you when you come back. The three years will just… zoom past and then you’ll come back as a newly-qualified Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck hoped he was doing a good job to hide the pang of reluctance within him, his gaze momentarily faltering as his insecurity got the better of him, recalling your late night conversations in the past about how difficult a long-distance relationship would be for you.

“You say it like you’re not going to join me over there next year,” he sulked.

And if you wanted to ask him what was wrong, he didn't give you a chance, his expression quickly changing to a smiling one, directing a pointed roll of his eyes towards you, “and mind you, that’ll be Doctor Donghyuck in a few years.”

You ignored the latter statement, focused on the reminder that you had an impending exam in a few months, “yeah, that’s if I even pass my LSAT’s.”

Donghyuck scoffed, taking your hand and leading you towards your bed, laying down and pulling you to lie next to him, “please, we both know you could do it in your sleep with how much you’ve been studying.”

“You’re my smarty-pants girlfriend, remember?”

He turned his head to face you, a soft smile lingering on his face as he brought his hand up to your jaw, using his thumb to caress your cheek gently, something Donghyuck loved to do whenever he saw that you were in need of a little pick-me-up.

You couldn’t help the slight relief his gesture had brought you, the feeling of his hopefulness starting to rub off on you.

This side of Donghyuck, you held close to your heart. The side that was mature, that never failed to reassure you, that was always looking out for you to make sure you were okay. It spoiled you, really.

Keeping your gaze fixated on him, you were desperately trying to memorise the way he was looking at you (though a part of you was still trying to figure out if that was a hint of desire you were detecting in his stare).

“Can you come here and kiss me now? I’ve been waiting all night to finally get some time alone with you,” he pouted, his hand reaching over to tug you closer to him, pressing your lips against his without wasting any more time.

“The guests are still downstairs,” you pulled away just slightly to murmur against his lips, Donghyuck letting out a negative grunt, his hand behind your neck keeping you in place.

“They left,” he pulled away to speak in-between kisses, his hands grasping your arms to pull you on top of him, holding them next to his head with his chest pressing against yours as he continued to kiss you as if his life depended on it.

“I convinced my mom and dad to leave us alone,” he spoke between kisses, his hands going behind your back, “so I could say goodbye," he breathed, "properly.”

You frowned, your hand coming up to gently touch his cheek, his hand that was holding yours moving to slip it under your shirt, tugging it up slowly.

“I don’t like saying goodbye,” you mumbled, momentarily distracted by the way his hand felt against the skin of your back, his hands tracing over the expanse of your torso as if he were trying to commit every dip and curve to your body to his memory.

Donghyuck pulled away from you, looking you dead in the eye, a shit-eating grin on his face.

“What about a ‘see you later’? Is that better?”

You scowled at him, trying hard to maintain your annoyed expression even though it wasn't as if you weren't smiling either, your hand going to the hem of his shirt before you felt him grip your wrist.

You’d leaned away enough for him to tug his shirt over his head, his hair sticking up messily afterwards, Donghyuck not wasting any time as his hands went over to tug your shirt up over your head as well, though you appreciated that he was a lot more gentle as compared to how he’d taken his own shirt off.

Pulling you towards him again, his leg went between yours, parting them so you were straddling him more obviously now, his hand going behind your neck to guide the kiss.

“I love you a lot, you know that, right?” He smiled, pressing a loud obnoxious kiss to your cheek, making you squirm, shyness getting the better of you. The question was simple, yet it managed to set off a giddy feeling within you, having a feeling you knew where he was going with this.

“Will you say it for me?” He teased, making you scrunch your nose up. He knew you felt shy to profess your love for him the way he did, the only time you would get your courage to do so being when he would say it first. Donghyuck knew this.

You covered your face, feeling his lips press light kisses on your shoulder, his other hand rubbing your other shoulder soothingly, as you summoned the courage to murmur an ‘i love you’ that was as firm as you could muster.

Donghyuck grinned, pulling your hands away from your face, “I love you too,” he murmured softly.

“I’m sorry, I know I don’t say it a lot, but I really do mean it,” you told him, your hand coming up to run your fingers through his hair, hearing him let out a soft hum of satisfaction.

“I know, I just can’t help myself,” he smiled, leaning closer to press a small kiss to your nose, “I just find myself always wanting to remind you.”

He turned the both of you over, so you were lying on your back.

“I know it’s not the first time,” Donghyuck murmured, trailing kisses down your neck to press them against your collarbone, a small hum leaving him, “but are you okay with it?” His gaze searched yours with an underlying concern, something in your heart stirring at his consideration.

You nodded, “more than okay,” you laughed, “we’ll be careful.”

Donghyuck smirked, rolling the both of you over as he worked on pressing kisses to your jaw, “I’m always careful.”

===

donghyuck 2:45pm - shit did I hang up- 2:45pm - it was an accident I swear wait hold on ill call u again-

“Hey,” you were greeted with the sight of Donghyuck lying on his bed, his hair messy and looking as though he’d just woken up, one of his hands coming up to rub at his eyes.

“Sorry,” Donghyuck whined, “I think my hand slipped when I was trying to turn down the brightness,” he pouted, making you scoff.

You propped your phone against the stack of books on your table so you could rest your hands (all that studying was really taking a toll on your wrists), glancing back to your screen to observe Donghyuck in his sleepy state

“Did you just wake up?”

Donghyuck nodded, a small sheepish smile on his face, “stayed up last night doing research, didn’t even realise I fell asleep halfway.”

You huffed, about to tease him about it when you’d heard your mom knock on the door, peeking it open slightly.

"Hey, honey, are you really still not hungry?”

You shook your head, turning your head to see her walking towards you, her gaze landing on your phone.

“Is that Donghyuck? Hi, sweetie, how are things over there?” She cooed, a wide smile on her face as she spoke, her other hand rubbing your back soothingly.

“Everything’s fine, thank you for asking,” Donghyuck had almost immediately perked up, trying to maintain (whatever was left of) his presentable image to your mom.

Turning to you, your mom had given you a small frown, Donghyuck long forgotten as she looked at you in concern, “we kept some leftovers from lunch in case you got hungry, do you want me to bring them up for you?”

You couldn’t even think about food at the moment, shaking your head, “sorry, I just… kind of like, my stomach kind of feels weird,” you told her, earning a reluctant nod from your mom.

“Do you want me to make a cup of tea for you?”

You shook your head, “It’s okay, I’ll just drink water,” you assured her, seeing her shoot you one last look of sympathy before bidding you goodbye.

Once the door had clicked shut behind her, you’d turned back to face Donghyuck (who was looking at you with such a deep frown it almost successfully made you feel guilty).

“What?”

“You’re not eating again?”

You scoffed, “what do you mean 'again'?” You couldn’t help but laugh at his accusation, watching him bring a hand up to flick his hair from covering his eyes with an annoyed click of his tongue.

“You know, you always forget to eat when you get really into studying, right?”

You shook your head, “that’s different. Forgetting to eat and not having the appetite are two different things.”

Donghyuck pursed his lips, “you still have to eat, though.”

You nodded, your hand coming to rub over your stomach, sighing as you tried to find a reason for your nausea.

A thought seemed to have struck Donghyuck, a yelp of realisation escaping him.

“Oh, I know. What if it’s because of your period?”

Your eyebrows raised, not having considered that option, picking your phone up with a hum, “that’s true, this does happen sometimes,” you swiped over to see how long more you had till your period, frowning when you saw that it was already late. It was supposed to have happened a week ago.

“Weird,” you murmured, earning a hum from him.

“What’s weird?"

You shook your head in dismissal, swiping back to the video call and letting out a small sigh, “nah, nothing. It’s like a week late. Think it’s the stress from studying,” you shrugged.

Donghyuck didn’t sense anything weird about it, since it wasn’t the first time this happened. The only thing that was bothering him about it now was that he was further away from you. And call it separation anxiety or whatever you wish, but there was a big part of him (maybe all of him if he looked deeper) that longed to be there with you, to take care of you and make sure you were eating your meals or not stressing yourself out too much. But he couldn’t.

So he did what any other boyfriend in his position would’ve done.

“I’ll be checking up on you, okay? I gotta get going soon. Try to eat something, okay?”

You shot him a look, nodding just to patronize him, “yes, mom.” You rolled your eyes with a laugh, making Donghyuck scoff.

“Doctor mom—”

“You’re not even a month into your masters, Hyuck—”

“Love you, bye!”

Now, you were about a little more than a month in of being away from Donghyuck, and though you figured you were managing well, it had seemed that a certain friend of yours had made it their personal responsibility to make sure you were okay during this time.

“What are you doing here?”

You couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Jaehyun at your door on a Saturday morning, something about the sunshine and his soft dimpled smile making you feel as though he really was an angel sent from above.

Holding up a grocery bag next to his head, he shook it at you with a satisfied smile, letting himself in and shutting the door behind him.

"You really didn't have to," you frowned, feeling guilty that you were burdening him into bringing you things to eat (well, not that you weren't thankful of course, you just figured Jaehyun had better things to do than to be your personal food delivery man).

"It was nothing,” he sighed deeply, sarcasm laced in his tone, “just thirty bucks out of the kindness of my heart," he shrugged, swinging the bag over his shoulder with his two fingers.

"I'm sure Hyuck would love hearing that," you scoffed with a laugh, dragging your feet over to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of water.

"Have you eaten?" you asked, hoping he would say no so your mom would stop nagging you about the leftovers sitting in the microwave.

You should've known better, Jaehyun's reply earning a groan from you.

"Nope, I got enough for the both of us."

"How's studying?" he asked, following behind you as you led him to your room, missing the way Jaehyun was tense, his fingers gripping tighter around the bag as you let him into your room.

"Oh, you know, bad,” you let out a deep sigh, “I'm really nervous. I mean, I know it's like next month but a month is really short when you think about it," you shrugged, busy with sweeping your files off of your bed to notice Jaehyun’s clear inattention.

"Uh-huh," Jaehyun set the plastic bag on his lap, helping you to bookmark your pages with whatever he could find on your bed before setting your books on the floor with a loud thud.

“Gentle, please, those textbooks cost a bomb,” you glared at him, seeing him shrug.

You sighed, heaving your books over to set them on your table with a light thud, "anyway, I don't know what you brought but I'm not entirely sure I can eat all of it."

"Uh-huh," Jaehyun glared at your wall, beckoning you over to your bed and tapping the space next to him, "your mom home?"

You shook your head, still oblivious to his behaviour, your hands coming up to wipe your stray hairs from your face, "nope, she and my dad are at work."

"Good," Jaehyun huffed, earning a (rather suspicious) eyebrow raise from you.

"Good? do I need to remind you that i'm studying the law—"

"It's not anything... illegal," Jaehyun lowered his voice to a murmur, not without rolling his eyes for good measure.

“Then why are you whispering?" you teased, lowering your voice as well, your attention diverted when he'd ignored you to pull his takeout box from the plastic bag.

"What did you get for me?" you asked, earning a shrug from him, Jaehyun lifting his chopsticks as a prompt for you to go ahead and see for yourself.

Only upon opening the bag, you frowned only spotting a few packets of gummies and boxes that were definitely not big enough to be a take-out box.

“The heck is this? It’s all gummies,” You frowned, emptying out the bag harshly. Your gaze immediately landed on the label on the boxes staring back at you mockingly.

Jaehyun glanced from the box to you, nodding his head at you as if in a prompt, looking back at his food to scoop another chopstick-full of noodles into his mouth. Sure he was concerned for you, but that didn’t mean he needed to starve to prove it.

“I hope you’re not expecting me to eat a pregnancy kit for lunch.”

Rolling his eyes, he’d snorted, “eat your leftovers in the fridge, idiot, your mom told me—”

“Why’d you even buy these, Jae? You’re wasting your money, I'm not pregnant,” you scoffed, a slight giggle leaving you, especially since it was Jaehyun in front of you, of all people.

Jaehyun shook his head firmly, not seeming to have found the situation as funny as you did, “you can’t be certain.”

“Then what makes you so sure?”

Letting out a deep sigh, Jaehyun was completely undeterred by the way you were smiling at him with your eyebrows raised, noticing the way your hand was gripping one of the pregnancy kits firmly.

“Look, I did a lot of googling when me and my ex were trying for a baby, okay?” He let out a huff of laughter (you could almost detect the bitterness in his tone if you listened hard enough), “the moment you told me about what was going on recently I just felt weird, you know, like something in my gut was just telling me to check.”

You scoffed, confident that Jaehyun had just wasted thirty bucks on the dumb kits for you, “fine, I’ll take them. But don’t come crying to me when your thirty bucks turn out to be totally wasted,” you rolled your eyes, picking up the kits harshly and downing the rest of your water.

Standing up to make your way to your bathroom, you hoped it wasn’t too obvious that you felt weak in the knees, a sick feeling that Jaehyun could be right had lingering uncomfortably in the pit of your stomach. You said your last prayer in desperation as you’d mustered your courage to take the test.

The next 3 minutes had proven to be the most nerve-wracking 3 minutes of your life. You figured even your university finals weren’t as bad as the time you’d spent seated on your bed with Jaehyun glaring at the test.

“Has it been 3 minutes yet?” You sighed, your leg bouncing nervously as you held the test in your hands, too afraid to even look at it. All your confidence from before was long gone, your brain seeming to have formulated all sorts of scenarios that made you feel even more sick, the sight of your textbooks sitting on your desk feeling like an added punch to the gut.

You did the mental calculations in your head, the last time you and Donghyuck had done it would have been at his farewell party, which meant that it wasn’t that unlikely.

But you were safe, weren’t you? Unless there was a malfunction that both you and Donghyuck had missed, of course.

Donghyuck said he was always careful, though, wouldn’t he have checked?

“What are you gonna do if it’s positive?” Jaehyun murmured, his empty food packet long abandoned next to him, his gaze flickering between your face and the test.

“Has it been three minutes yet?” You ignored his question, not because you wanted to, of course, you were just too preoccupied to think about anything other than the impending result.

Jaehyun rolled his eyes, “almost. Answer my question, what are you gonna do if it’s positive?” He rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, fiddling with his silver bracelet anxiously.

Before you could reply, you heard the sound of Jaehyun’s phone alarm ringing, thrusting the test towards him with your eyes screwed shut.

Jaehyun’s eyes widened, taking the test from you as he double checked the box instructions just to be sure (though he knew he’d seen this test too many times for him to read it wrongly). Finally turning to you with an unreadable expression, and maybe even a hint of a smile on his face.

“You’re pregnant.”

You forced your eyes open, your hands immediately flying to cover your stomach, as if not being able to process how there was a growing baby inside of you.

There were various mixed feelings within you, the first being how you were going to tell your parents, or how you were going to tell Donghyuck. There was no way you could go through law school while you were pregnant, not with how you took care of yourself.

Sure you’d graduated from university, but your future plans hadn’t factored in getting pregnant, at least not for the next 5 years until you and Donghyuck would get married (if you were even going to get married now). There were so many things to consider, from finances to living space to how you were going to take care of the baby, all of your worries beginning to swirl around in your head to form a baby-shaped whirlpool of fear in your head.

You just didn’t feel like you were going to be able to do this now.

Almost instantly, you’d felt your eyes well up with tears, a burning sensation in your throat as you fought to blink back your tears, a whimper leaving you at the sight of Jaehyun’s smile, the way he looked at the test feeling strangely comforting.

Sensing your distress, Jaehyun had pulled you into a hug, his hand going to your back to rub it soothingly, “hey, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay, I’m here. I’ll help you, alright?”

“I can’t tell him, Jae—”

Jaehyun pulled away almost instantly, his hands grasping your shoulders firmly as he scowled at you.

“What do you mean you ‘can’t tell him’? You have to tell him, babe, it’s not your secret to keep—”

“—I can’t,” your tone was insistent, “you and I both know what he’s like. The moment he finds out he’s gonna want to drop everything and come back,” you let out a shaky breath, your tears rolling down your cheeks quickly as you felt Jaehyun’s hand come up to wipe them away despite the furrow in his brows.

You continued, “his parents would never let him do that… I can’t let him do that for me.”

Jaehyun huffed through his nose, shoulders slouching, this was not how he’d imagined you to react.

“It’s his baby too, you know,” he finally mustered after a while, making you sigh deeply.

“I know. I just… I need to think of how I’m going to tell him. But before that I have to tell my parents, I need your help for that.”

Nodding, Jaehyun reached over to grasp your hands in his, giving you a resolute nod, biting the inside of his cheek.

“We’ll figure it out,” he sighed, mustering a small smile of reassurance for you, “I know you’re scared shitless now, but I’m gonna figure this out with you, okay?”

Your lower lip quivered, feeling your eyes well up with tears once again, the heat in your eyes returning.

“Thank you so much,” you whispered.

Jaehyun’s smile widened, his thumb rubbing over your cheek soothingly, “like I said, out of the kindness of my heart,” he scoffed.

===

“You haven’t told him yet, have you?”

Your mother’s question had been what sent you reeling for the past 15 minutes.

Your mind had tuned out whatever she and Jaehyun were currently in a heated discussion about, tuned out the way your dad was looking at you with so much unadulterated sympathy you had to avert your gaze to stop your guilt from growing any further, tuned out everything from the way the television was playing an ad about baby formula to the way Jaehyun’s hand resting on your knee had never felt as heavy as it did now.

The only thing on your mind were the 15 unanswered texts from Donghyuck that morning telling you about the cool toy he’d found in his cereal box and some songs he said he thought you would like.

You wished your parents were mad at you, that they were screaming at you and telling you how irresponsible you were instead of giving you the sympathetic looks they were now, these felt a lot worse.

“Hey,” Jaehyun tapped on your knee, your mind registering the feeling yet your body not seeming to be able to move, turning your head to him with a blank expression on your face, you pretended you didn’t hear the sigh leaving your dad’s lips as Jaehyun continued.

“When are you going to tell him?” Jaehyun murmured, the same way you would coax a child into telling you what was making them feel bad, he was treating you like a child. If this wasn’t more reasons for why you were scared you wouldn’t be able to take care of this child adequately, you don’t know what was.

You felt like you couldn’t breathe. Inhaling deeply and wincing at the pain in your chest, your sigh left you in a shaky breath, “I don’t know. I want to tell him tonight when he calls but… I don’t know if I can,” you shook your head, biting down on your lower lip harshly as you felt your eyes brim with tears again, Jaehyun blurring in your vision.

“You have to tell him, honey. He needs to know,” your mom pleaded, reaching a hand over to take yours gently, making your tears brim over quickly, your other hand coming up to wipe at your eyes.

“I know,” you nodded, “I will.”

“Make sure you tell him, alright? This isn’t something you should be doing alone,” your mom’s gaze searched your expression for any kind of acknowledgement, taking the small nod from you to be the best you could muster at the moment.

“I can talk to his parents for you, and I’ll make sure they don’t tell him on your behalf, you just have to focus on telling him personally,” she continued, the insistence in her tone making you nod, pursing your lips unconsciously at the thought of how his parents would deal with the news.

Turning to glance at Jaehyun, she gestured to you with her head, “can I trouble you to stay with her?”

Jaehyun nodded almost immediately, “of course. No, yeah, don’t worry. I’ll stay with her.” he assured her with a nod, patting your knee gently.

“Thank you, darling,” she smiled at him, picking up her thin briefcase from next to her seat after she stood, moving to give you a hug and press a firm kiss to your temple.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning, alright?”

Nodding dumbly, you watched as your dad had picked up his satchel, following behind your mother after giving you a small kiss on the top of your head, the sound of their bedroom door shutting not long after making you wince, scrunching up your nose with a sniff.

“Why are you crying again?” Jaehyun frowned, bringing one of his hands up to wipe at your tears again, pinching at your nose in his attempt to draw a smile from you.

You let out a small huff, shaking your head in spite of the small smile at your lips from Jaehyun’s action.

“I just don’t want him to be mad at me,” you murmured, earning a grunt of dismay from Jaehyun.

“Mad at you? Donghyuck loves you, and you know that better than anyone,” he huffed in amusement, leaning back in his seat to rest his elbow on the back of the sofa, “the only reason why he’d be mad is if you didn’t tell him.”

You nodded, knowing Jaehyun wasn’t wrong. Donghyuck had never lost his temper at you before, but despite this, you still couldn’t help yourself from feeling anxious at the thought of how he would react to the news.

“He’s gonna call you soon, right?” Jaehyun asked, earning a nod from you.

“Do you want me to be there?” he continued, eyebrows raising expectantly.

You shook your head, “no, it’s fine. I’ll be okay.”

As if you already weren’t nervous enough, it seemed Donghyuck had sensed that something was wrong at your lack of replies, texting you to ask if you were alright, the text glowing brightly on your screen as if it was yelling at you to open it.

Jaehyun glanced at your phone on the table, reading the text and looking back up to gauge your expression, his lips pursing as he stood up with a grunt, “I’ll be in your room. Call him,” he gestured to your phone with a nod, leaving without another word, the fabric of his too-big sweatpants shuffling against the floor as he grew further away.

You knew you shouldn’t waste more time staring at your phone. It wasn’t as if glaring at the texts would answer them for you. Nodding to yourself with all the conviction you could gather within yourself, you swiped to open his chat, typing out a quick reply to his messages.

7:24pm - i’m fine don’t worry. U ready to call? Need to talk to you-

Donghyuck’s reply came almost immediately in the form of an incoming call, the ringing giving you a last attempt at gathering your confidence.

You could just go straight into it, just say ‘i have something to tell you, i’m pregnant’. See? Problem solved, and you didn’t even have to use more than ten words.

You could do this.

“Hey,” you answered the call, coming face to face with the picture of Donghyuck looking fresh out of the shower, a white shirt draped loosely over his form and exposing his collarbones, his damp brown hair hanging messily over his eyes, the cherry on top being the smile of sheer happiness that he was giving you.

You couldn’t do this.

“I was surprised you answered, I thought you would’ve been studying or something,” he giggled, resting his elbow on his desk so he could cover his mouth with the back of his hand, tilting his head at you.

“Oh, no, yeah I just finished studying,” you lied, “thought I’d call you now before I showered so I could continue studying later.”

Donghyuck grit his teeth in feigned menace towards you, scoffing at you, “should’ve known you didn’t just call because you missed me,” he huffed, tilting his jaw at you for emphasis.

You rushed to refute him, “no, no! I really did call you because I needed to talk to you, don’t get me wrong.”

Donghyuck frowned, his eyebrows raising slightly as a slight pout found its way on his lips as his gaze.

“Woah, it’s okay, I was joking…” Donghyuck narrowed his eyes just slightly, the way you were biting on your lower lip making him feel anxious, “are you okay?”

You shook your head in dismissal, mustering a small smile for him, “no, yeah, i’m fine, I swear.”

You were certain you’d messed up, especially with the way Donghyuck’s eyebrows knit in confusion.

“... you said you needed to talk to me, right? Did something happen?”

You froze, your eyebrows raising as your other hand had unconsciously travelled to rest below your stomach. You should say it now, right? When else would you get another chance.

“I saw a really cute baby today,” the lie slipping out in your panic, adding a small giggle in the hopes that he would buy it, and he did, smiling at you expectantly.

“It was really cute, with like, you know, it’s tiny hands and all,” you continued, “I don’t know, when I saw it I just thought I wanted to tell you about it, since it was really cute.”

“Was it a girl or a boy?” It was as if he’d forgotten about his initial worry, too distracted by the story you were trying to tell him.

Your eyebrows raised in surprise, “uh… it was a girl! Yeah, really pretty, with these big round eyes and heart-shaped lips like yours. She reminded me of you,” you smiled, feeling as though your lie was falling into place, especially with the way he cooed at the mental image.

“That’s so cute.”

“It is, right?” you let out another huff of laughter, “kind of made me wish I had kids of my own, you know?” you laughed. You were being so obvious, there was no way he wasn’t getting the hint.

Donghyuck huffed through his nose, a small smile on those very heart-shaped lips you’d described, “yeah. Not now, though. Remember? We promised we wouldn’t until we were all settled down in our jobs,” he reminded you of the very plan you formulated, making your heart sink.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Donghyuck continued, “I can already imagine it, me working in my parent’s company with a fancy office and you in an even fancier law firm,” he giggled at the mental fantasy, the mention of your career making your stomach churn.

Pausing briefly, it was as if your voice was failing you, finally managing to nod at him after a while, your voice coming out a little more hoarse than you’d expected.

“Yeah—” you cleared your throat, pressing your lips into a tight smile, “—not now.”

“How’s your studying been? Has your stomach been feeling better?” Donghyuck began, making your thoughts immediately break into a swarm of possible replies.

The prospect of law school seemed further away than ever, you’d been studying, of course, just to take your mind off of things, but you didn’t know what you were planning to do at the moment, still cherishing your time on the fence before you would be inevitably pushed (by your parents or more likely Jaehyun) to decide.

“Oh, you know, the usual. But yeah, uh… my stomach’s been feeling a lot better,” you shrugged, Donghyuck sensing you didn’t want to talk about studying.

With no more than an understanding hum at your update, Donghyuck had dived into another discourse about his dorm roommate who seemed to have very different sleeping habits from him, and you let him rant to you for a bit, a part of you knowing that you’d missed your window of time to tell him. It would’ve messed everything up and you couldn’t bear to do that to him now.

You could endure it for just a little longer, you’ll try again tomorrow or something.

“I don’t wanna keep you from studying any longer, I’ve gotta go meet this girl for my project. Call you tomorrow?” his voice had pulled you harshly from your daze, the smile he was giving you unnerving you almost.

“Girl?” you laughed, your mind gladly accepting whatever chance you could get to go off topic. Who knew, maybe if this whole thing doesn’t go to plan that girl he was meeting could mean more than just a project partner to him in time to come, you really couldn’t be too sure.

But like Jaehyun said, Donghyuck loves you.

Rolling his eyes, Donghyuck scoffed at you.  

“What? You think you can get rid of me that easily?” his loud laughter made you smile, almost forgetting the situation you were in for a moment, “you’re my one and only smarty-pants girlfriend,” he cooed, puckering his lips at you through the screen, something about his words making a lump form in your throat.

Nodding dumbly at him, your thumb already hovered over the ‘end call’ button, “uh-huh, bye.”

Donghyuck grinned, “I love you,” he sing-songed, bringing a hand up to wave at you.

You mustered the best smile you could give him at the moment, not needing to take a look at yourself to know how pathetic it must’ve looked.

“Yeah, love you,” you murmured, pressing the button immediately after and letting yourself slump down against the sofa cushions, your eyes scrunched tightly shut as you recounted how ‘not as planned’ the phone call had gone.

Though you didn’t have much time to recount the experience, a certain hand on your face startling you out of your self-pity, your hands coming up to grasp Jaehyun’s wrist as you opened your eyes, pulling his hand away to look at him with the expression of a kicked puppy.

Jaehyun snorted, “that was pretty much the most avoidant i’ve ever seen you since you had that crush on Mark in high school—”

“Shut up, I didn’t have a cru—” you stopped yourself short, realising that denying it now wasn’t going to do anything to help your argument, casting him a dismayed frown.

“Were you eavesdropping?”

Jaehyun shrugged, nonchalance dripping from his demeanour as he took a seat next to you, “what happened to your plan?”

You sighed at the feeling of his hands playing with your hair absently, Jaehyun feeling triumphant at the way your shoulders had relaxed.

“I don’t know either. I was ready to tell him, I swear,” you whined, “but the moment I saw him I just… couldn’t.”

“That’s okay, just try again,” Jaehyun prompted, shifting in his seat so his knee was poking you in your side now, using his new position to nudge you more obnoxiously, an amused chuckle escaping him.

“I know… I just need some time.” You gave him a sheepish smile, hearing him sigh. You already saw it coming the moment your words left you, the ‘time is short’ speech your mom had already given you just now.

Jaehyun sighed, “you know you don’t necessarily have the luxury of time right now, right? Your first checkup is next week.”

You rolled your eyes, “I know, I know. I swear, I’ll tell him by then, just… give me some time to figure out how.”

Jaehyun shot you a look, “you better. It’s gonna be hard for me to look at his parents at work with this big ol’ secret in my mouth that could slip out at any given mo—”

“You wouldn’t dare,” you narrowed your eyes at him, watching him mirror your expression before erupting into a fit of giggles, making you laugh as well.

Jaehyun grinned, scrunching his nose, “smile more,” he murmured, shaking his head at you when you rolled your eyes, “it’s good for the baby.”

“You’re excited about this, aren’t you?” you narrowed your eyes at him, shaking your head with a smile when you saw him shrug, mirroring your smile.

“Was it that obvious?” he grinned, making you roll your eyes.

“Too obvious. Wanna crash here for the night?”

Jaehyun nodded with a grin, already leaning over to grab the remote control from your coffee table.

“I was hoping you’d ask, I’m way too tired to drive back now.”

You nodded, leaning over to grab the blanket on the recliner to drape it over the both of you.

This was probably the last bit of sanity you were going to get for a while, so you’d might as well treasure it.

“Sing street?” Jaehyun asked, earning a nod from you.

“Absolutely.”

===

It seemed as though one thing your mom had forgotten to consider was that Donghyuck’s parents were one of a kind, and had ideals that were very different from Donghyuck (and not in a very good way sometimes).

Which was why when you’d opened your front door that Monday morning to see Donghyuck’s dad at the doorstep, your heart sank.

“Uh… my dad’s not home—”

He let out a small huff that you would’ve pinned as amusement if his expression wasn’t so serious, “I didn’t come to see your dad, honey, I was hoping I could have a… chat with you, in fact.”

Your eyes widened, nodding dumbly as you let him into your house, shutting the door behind him as he’d headed over to the living room.

“Uh… can I get you a glass of water?” you asked, already backtracking towards the kitchen, hearing Donghyuck’s dad mumble something about ice.

You took that moment preparing his water as your last opportunity to get breathing space, calming yourself down and trying to mentally prepare yourself for whatever he could possibly throw at you.

Walking back to the living room, you hoped he didn’t see how your hands were trembling as you set the glass of water onto a coaster, taking a seat on the chair next to the sofa, raising your eyebrows expectantly.

“So, Donghyuck doesn’t know i’m here, obviously,” he began, bringing a hand up to loosen his tie, slipping his blazer off of his shoulders and draping it over the back of the couch.

“Yeah,” you let out a huff of nervous laughter, your fingers finding purchase on the blanket next to you, gripping it tightly.

“And I don’t plan on him finding out,” he told you plainly, “look, Y/N, sweetie. I know you’re a smart girl…”

You weren’t sure where he was going with this, the way his gaze seemed so firm almost making you cower in fear. Almost.

“And I know that someone your age has a whole future ahead of them, don’t even get me started on Donghyuck, who has so much potential that just can’t afford to be wasted,” he let out a huff of laughter, “do you understand what i’m saying?”

You tilted your head at him, your eyebrows furrowing just slightly, “yes, I understand, I know this must have come as a shock to you but—”

“I’m glad you understand, because I want you to know that my main priority is to make sure Donghyuck’s future is secured.”

You nodded, “yeah, of course, I totally agree, I want that too,” you told him, nodding vigorously, “really, knowing how far away he is I would do anything I could to make sure he doesn’t have to worry about unnecessary things.”

Donghyuck’s dad seemed to have misread your attempt at reassurance, giving you a firm and decisive nod, “okay, good. Then I guess you wouldn’t mind aborting the baby.”

Your eyes widened, your hand instinctively going to rest below your stomach, something in you feeling as though you’d wanted, no, needed to protect this baby.

You furrowed your eyebrows at him, “but… uh, but my mom told me that you and Aunty would discuss... what you’d wanted to do first.”

His dad nodded, “we have, and that was our decision. Which is why i’m telling you this now, you need to know that this is a very big responsibility that you’re not ready to take on at this age.”

You hated the way he was looking at you, feeling as though he were looming over you like he were chiding a stupid child. Both of which, you were not.

“Yes,” you narrowed your eyes at him, “and I’m sorry to tell you this but that’s not your decision to make. I’m not having an abortion,” you said, your tone firmer than he’d ever heard it, making Donghyuck’s father let out a deep sigh.

“Look, maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough,” he huffed bitterly, “myself and Donghyuck’s mom, we’re willing to cover the expenses. We’re doing this for your own good. You’re not ready for a child,” he told you in a matter-of-fact tone, making your blood boil the more you looked at him.

“With all due… respect,” you’d refrained from scoffing, “money will not be an issue, I’m not taking your money. I don’t want your money. And like I said, I'm not changing my mind, I’m keeping my child.” The words felt foreign on your tongue, as if you were merely reading from a script with how surreal the entire situation felt, but you knew that this was very much real. And this is your child.

Donghyuck’s dad had stood up at that, his fists clenching at his sides as he looked at you with contempt, “you are the one thing that is stopping Donghyuck from having a smooth transition into the company and reaching his full potential, but i’m sure you are already aware of that, right?”

“Alright, then, if you insist on being so stubborn,” his father let out a deep sigh, shaking his head at you, “but I hope you know that Donghyuck is not to be a part of this and that is our final decision. He is not going to risk his future because of your stupid mistake.”  

His words had left a deep ache in your heart. You knew what was at stake. Putting your studies on hold was already a bitter pill you had yet to swallow, but Donghyuck’s future too? His father was right, you couldn’t.

Leaving you at a loss for words, you watched as his father had picked up his jacket harshly, not sparing you another look as you watched him storm out of your house, and you wondered how a father and son could be so different.

Upon hearing the door shut, you’d felt the strength in your body start to dissipate, slumping back in your seat as you felt your eyes well up with tears again, your hands coming up to dig your palms into your eyes, as if it would do anything to keep your tears from falling.

You understood what this meant, you didn’t have his parents' support. And it wasn’t as if you were going to depend on your parents for finances for your baby. This was your responsibility that you were willing to bear for as long as Donghyuck was doing his masters, and maybe even longer than that if he doesn’t respond well when you tell him the news.

Shaking your head, you’d reached over for your phone, calling the first person you could think of that would be more than willing to let you (and join you to) vent.  

“Jaehyun?” you murmured, sniffling, hearing a confused hum leave him.

“Hey, what’s up? I was just on my way over with food.”

“Come quicker. Your boss just showed up and pissed me off,” you coughed, hearing him gasp (a little too dramatically, you felt).

“Say no more, I’ll be there in 10.”

===

“Mom, it’s alright, I can go on my own, you don’t have to leave work,” you frowned, your grip on your pen tight while you flipped your calendar to check which dates you were available for your appointment, trying to keep your tone controlled as you talked to her.

You didn’t want to burden her. You were already like, what, twenty-two this year? You could take care of yourself (you hoped).

It wasn’t as if your mom had much of a choice, anyway, she had an important meeting that day and Jaehyun had already insisted on going along with you for your first doctor’s appointment.

“I swear, mom, it’s alright. I told you and dad that i’ll be responsible for my own...baby,” the word still felt foreign on your tongue, and you didn’t miss the teasing smirk Jaehyun had given you from where he was lounging on your bed.

Hearing your mom ask you if you were sure for what you assumed was about the hundredth time, you nodded aggressively, wishing she could see you, “yes, i’m absolutely sure.”

Jaehyun snorted, “I’ll make sure to update you, aunty,” he chimed in, and you could already imagine the relief it brought to your mom. Sometimes you figured he was a better son to her than you were a daughter, and he wasn’t even her son.

“Thank you, darling. Make sure you update Donghyuck too, alright?” she reminded, and you hummed a quick acknowledgement before ending the call, hoping Jaehyun wouldn’t sense your panic.

“D’you want me to update him or do you wanna do it?” He asked. You ignored him.

“I think a Sunday should be alright, don’t you think? Do you have anything on that day?” you asked, already beginning to type in the email to the gynaecologist Jaehyun’s mom had recommended, pretending you didn’t feel Jaehyun’s questioning stare on you.

Your leg had begun to bounce at the way Jaehyun wasn’t responding, he was simply lying on your bed and staring at you with a blank expression, sitting up slowly in a criss-cross manner and resting his forearms on his knees.

“How does Sunday sound, Jae?” Again, a long pause.

“You haven’t told him.”

You inhaled deeply, turning to him with your eyebrows raised, “so is Sunday alright?”

“What, so you can have three more days to not tell him?” Jaehyun’s eyes were wide with disbelief, his eyebrows furrowing as he gestured aggressively.

You shook your head, a tired sigh leaving you, “I tried to tell him, okay? I really did. But then I remembered what his dad said and then he started joking and saying shit about how his parents would kill him if he had a kid before he got married and I got scared, okay?”

Jaehyun let his head fall back onto your bed with a loud groan, “you’re making this a lot harder than it has to be.”

You were about to retort, but fumbled to find your words, distracted by the wording of your email.

“And your mom thinks you told him already, which makes this a whole lot more complicated.” Jaehyun reminded you, rolling over to drape his hand over one of your pillows, resting his chin on top of it to give you a pointed stare.  

You waved him off, “I’ll tell him before she can, don’t sweat it.”

Jaehyun nodded, giving you a sarcastically sweet smile, “me? I’m definitely not ‘sweating it’ if that’s what you’re thinking. You, on the other hand, should be.”

You ignored his comment, signing off and sending your email to the gynaecologist’s receptionist, turning back to him with a glare.

You could just tell him tonight, no big deal. The doctor would’ve probably replied to your email by then, anyway. By the time you watched a few movies with Jaehyun it would’ve been time for you to call Donghyuck, and you were certain you could (and would) tell him tonight.

Though what you didn’t know, was that a lot of things could happen within the span of a few hours.

One of those things being your dad sending a text to Donghyuck.

y/n’s dad 3:40pm - hey kid, just wanted to check up on u, how have u been? -

Donghyuck had lit up at the text, deflating (only slightly, he swore) when he saw that it wasn’t you but your dad instead, his fingers ceasing their incessant typing on his laptop for him to pick his phone up.

3:41pm - hello!! i’ve been good thank you for asking :) -

Your dad had almost sighed in relief, thankful that Donghyuck had handled the news well, as it seemed from his reply.

y/n’s dad 3:41pm - that’s good to hear - 3:41pm - wanted to make sure u were ok. especially since u and y/n cant be together during this time n with ur parents and all -

Donghyuck couldn’t help but smile at your father’s consideration, his mood lifting after reading the text.

3:42pm -haha we’re doing alright if i may say so myself. you know, just part and parcel of long distance-

y/n’s dad 3:42pm - i hope more of ur positivity rubs off on her! poor girl needs it. - 3:42pm - nonetheless, i send u my congratulations, though i wouldnt have expected to be congratulating u so soon…- 3:42pm - and if u need anything just please feel free to let me or my wife know, alright?-

Donghyuck frowned. Congratulations? He didn’t win anything special the last time he checked. And he sure as hell wasn’t graduating yet, either. What the heck was he congratulating him for? Looking around the café as he tried to think of an answer, his eyes landing on one of his classmates at another table already studying ahead for their next test.

Oh, was that what it was? Y/N must’ve told him about me acing that test from a few days before.

3:43 -haha…. thanks?-

He’d locked his phone, a frown lingering on his features from still finding it weird that your dad would personally congratulate him over something like that, deciding to wave it off and go back to his essay.

Though after many failed attempts of reconstructing the same cursed paragraph, Donghyuck had gotten a text from his roommate Renjun asking if they’d received their online shopping parcels yet.

4:47pm - u know if u wanted them to come earlier you cld’ve ordered them urself -

renjun (roommate) 4:47pm - shut up i already told u i got banned by that seller but their crayons are cheap -

Rolling his eyes, Donghyuck had swiped to his email application, clicking into the first one he saw assuming that it’d been information about the parcel’s progress in delivery.

Except that Donghyuck was pretty sure he didn’t order Renjun’s crayons from a hospital, so he was even more confused as to why the email came from one.

Skimming over the email’s contents, your name in bold standing out to him, the words that Donghyuck couldn’t help from rereading were: ‘your appointment with the doctor has been confirmed for this Sunday.’

Sunday...the last time Donghyuck checked, you don’t go to the doctors for check-ups regularly, something in his gut just finding it weird that you would be suddenly arranging an appointment, and with the gynaecologist, no less. But then, he could’ve just been reading too much into it, right? It could’ve just been a regular checkup.

But maybe he’d just double check. Just to be sure.

Finding that your email was still logged into his computer as one of his inboxes, he’d clicked onto yours, his hands going over to your ‘sent mail’ tab before he could help himself, his curiosity getting the better of him.

“Checkup, checkup,” he mouthed to himself, his gaze urgently skimming over the words of the email.

10 weeks? Donghyuck frowned. 10 weeks since what? Was your period that late? That couldn’t be it. Donghyuck remembered you telling him very clearly that everything had gone back to normal. He continued reading.  

Ultrasound.

Donghyuck froze, his imagination immediately wandering to the most extreme possibility. Well, it wasn’t extreme, per se, but Donghyuck wasn’t so sure if he could accept that reality yet.

His head was spinning, wondering if that was what your dad was congratulating him about just now. His mouth felt dry all of a sudden, all that was running through his mind was that he needed to get to you, to hear you tell him the truth, even though he knew that he was willing to accept it either way.

Sliding his things into his bag roughly and stumbling out of his seat, Donghyuck was oblivious to the stares he was getting from the other students trying to study, pulling out his phone and dialling your number as he exited the café, the heat of the late afternoon sun making him wince, yet his feet wouldn’t stop their path towards wherever his subconscious was taking him.

You on the other hand, were dozing off while watching movies with Jaehyun. As much as you would’ve wanted to rewatch Titanic, you’d found yourself extremely comfortable in your bed, dozing off in one of the quieter scenes, well, until Jaehyun had dropped your buzzing phone onto your stomach.

“Boyfriend’s calling,” he yawned, pausing the movie and pushing it off of his lap to roll over onto his stomach, his hands stretching above his head with a tired grunt.

Without a second thought, you’d answered the call, only realising what bad judgement that had been on your part when you heard the urgency in his tone.

“Hello? Y/N?” you heard loud rustling on his side of the line, Donghyuck’s footsteps crunching on the dead leaves harshly as he continued on his determined path across the quad.

“Hey, you okay?” you frowned, wondering if something had happened to warrant such a concerned tone from him.

Donghyuck’s features had softened at the sound of your voice, something in him desperately hoping that you wouldn’t react defensively, especially since he couldn’t be physically there with you. His breath left him almost instantly, feeling as though he were rendered defenceless just by that one statement of yours.  

“I… I’m okay? No, I think that’s what I should be asking you, are you free right now to talk?”

You sat up quickly, making Jaehyun stir next to you, casting you a confused frown.

“Yeah, I’m free. What’s up?”

Jaehyun reached a hand over to grasp yours, giving you a reassuring squeeze as you waited through the pause on Donghyuck’s side, the said boy finally finding himself ending up at the rooftop of his dorm building.

“I uh….you know your email is still logged into my computer, right?”

About to shrug, you’d realized the implication of his statement, your heart sinking as your eyes widened.

“Hyuck—”

“And, you know, uh… I was just checking on my roommate's parcel but um, I clicked on the wrong email and like…” you heard him let out a deep sigh, “is everything alright?”

You figured there was no going back now.

“Hyuck, I really was meaning to tell you…”

“Tell me what?” his voice was softer now, more of a daring murmur.

You met Jaehyun’s gaze, drawing whatever confidence you could get from his reassuring nod, “I'm pregnant.”

A long pause ensued, Donghyuck running through his various action plans in his head, surprising himself at how much thought he was putting into his response when he already knew exactly what he’d wanted to do.

“Why’d you wait so long to tell me?” you could practically hear the pout in his voice, your hand gripping onto Jaehyun’s tightly in your anxiousness, ignoring the way he feigned hurt with a pained wince.

“I know... because I know this wasn’t part of our plan and I really didn’t know how your parents were going to react, and the other day when I mentioned kids to you you just seemed like you didn’t want this and—”

“Hey, hey, calm down, it’s alright. Just because I said not now doesn’t mean I don’t want this,” his tone was more hurt now, making your heart stir with guilt, “I’ll book a flight back—”

“No, Hyuck, this is precisely why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you were going to do this,” you cut in quickly, desperation getting the better of you.

“Do what? I’m not just gonna let you go through this alone. I can just take up another course there or just work somewhere else, it doesn’t matter,” Donghyuck frowned, frustrated at your response, at his circumstance.

“You need to focus on your Masters,” you told him, “you can’t just... drop everything and come back.”

“Yes, I can,” Donghyuck stressed.

“No, you can’t. Your parents paid a lot of money for you to do this,” you bit down on your lower lip harshly, feeling the familiar heat in your eyes as Jaehyun had begun to blur before you, “i’ll handle myself, you just focus on your studies.”

Donghyuck scoffed, “money is not more important to me than you, Y/N, you need to understand—”

“Don’t come back,” you cut him off, Jaehyun’s eyes widening at your tone.  

Donghyuck grit his teeth, shutting his eyes tightly, his hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose, the breeze and scenery doing jackshit to calm him down.

“This isn’t something you get to decide on your own, it’s just as much my kid as it is yours, you know.”

“I know, but you have to understand too,” you begged, your thoughts wandering to how angry his parents would be at the both of you, and especially him if they found out. You couldn’t do that to their relationship (it was already bad enough), or to him.

“You need to stay there, and finish your studies.”

“What about your studies, then, huh?” he scoffed, “it’s not fair that you have to sacrifice your studies just so I can fuck around here while you take care of our baby there alone,” he pleaded, resting a forearm against the railing as his other hand came up to cover his mouth, the tears of frustration in his eyes stinging painfully. Donghyuck couldn’t remember the last time he cried, but he knew it was never this painful.  

“I’m not stopping completely, i’ll just put it on hold. I have to focus on taking care of the baby.”

“Say it, Y/N. Stop saying ‘the baby’, it’s our baby,” he told you, fishing out whatever desperate attempts he could think of to appeal to your sympathy, to the part of you that he knew wanted him to come back as much as he did.  

You ignored him.

“And I know for myself that i’m not going to be able to do that if i’m in law school,” you sighed, “I can manage on my own, Hyuck. I’ll be okay here, my parents and Jaehyun will help me—”

“It’s not the same and you know it,” Donghyuck’s fist gripped tightly around his phone, kicking at the wall in his frustration. Jaehyun? Why should he let Jaehyun take on the responsibility?  

“I’m coming back, Y/N,” he spoke through gritted teeth, his tone more insistent than before.

“You,” you pulled your phone away as a whimper escaped you, Jaehyun frowning at the sight of your quivering lips, already attempting to reach over to take the phone from you.

Shaking your head at him, you brought the phone back to your ear, “if you come back, I will not speak to you, I swear. Whatever… this is, between us... it’ll be over,” you felt your tears spill over, your hand coming up to cover your mouth as your shoulders shook. That would’ve done it right?

Donghyuck frowned, feeling hurt by your words even though something in him knew they couldn’t possibly have come from you, “why are you saying this?”

It’s for his own good, you repeated in your head, figuring you were making it easier for his parents to carry out whatever 5-year plan they’d formulated for him. It wasn’t the first time they’d done this, anyway.

You wanted him here more than anything, of course. You just hoped he would understand.

‘Whatever this is?’ Donghyuck repeated your words in his head.

“It’s my parents, isn’t it? They must’ve said something to you,” Donghyuck tried again.

He didn’t buy it, any of it. He was angry at his parents, for making him come out here to study just so he could hold a position in their stupid company. He was angry because he knew how they felt towards you, and he couldn’t imagine what they could’ve said to hurt you while he was away. He was angry because he knew that he had to listen to you if he wanted to ensure that his job would be good enough to support you and your child. He was angry that the situation had rendered him helpless beyond words.

He was angry at himself, he wasn’t careful enough.  

You still didn’t respond to him, proving Donghyuck’s suspicions further, making his frown deepen, not bothering to blink back his tears anymore as he’d just stared at the way everything around him was blurry, a part of him not wanting to see it now.  

“So, it’s not enough that my parents are making decisions for me, but now… you are too?” he’d choked out, struggling to speak through the suffocating lump in his throat, wincing at the feeling.

You frowned, you knew that was a sensitive topic for him, remembering your countless talks even when the both of you had started dating about how his parents had wanted control over every aspect of his life. Even you, as it was being seen in how they handled this situation. But you figured they were right in some aspect, Donghyuck was rash, and impulsive, and you needed to give him time to mull over his thoughts before he made any irresponsible decisions. And that was all that mattered to you.

“Yes.”

===

“Hey,” you heard his voice before you saw him, the video on your screen showing Donghyuck seated at some sort of outdoor area, and before you could ask, he’d switched the camera around to show you how there was a small lake there that was shining with purple and pink hues as the sun was setting.

“I’m sorry,” he began, “for not calling for so long.”

You shook your head, shifting in your bed so you were lying on your side now, looking at him through the screen. You really, really wished he was here with you now, not just temporarily.

You had a bad sleep the previous night, your back aching from work and causing you to toss and turn the whole night in search of a comfortable sleeping position. But the irony of it all was that throughout the night, you’d always wished that when you turned, Donghyuck would be next to you in your bed, doing what he always did and pulling you into his arms, the silent reassurance that you would be alright.

But of course, that didn’t happen, and you knew that as you stared at him through the screen.

“It’s fine… I know you needed some time.”

Donghyuck gulped, letting out a sigh, trying his best to hold back his multitude of questions he really wanted to ask you.

“How are you feeling?” Start simple, Donghyuck.

You pressed your lips together tightly, your gaze wandering elsewhere to land on the paint chips on the floor next to you. You should really get a new bedside table.

“M’okay,” you shrugged after a while, realising you were taking too long to reply when he cleared his throat.

Donghyuck stared at the screen blankly, “you look tired.”

You looked tired, sure, but you sure didn’t look as bad as he did, dark circles under his eyes and an unmistakable sadness to his gaze.

Not being able to find it in himself to stop his question from slipping, Donghyuck sighed, “you really don’t miss me? Like, at all?”

You hadn’t expected the question, frowning slightly. This was Donghyuck trying to convince you.

“Don’t ask me stupid questions.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, “you’re not fooling me with that, you know,” his jaw locked as he frowned.

“Whatever, you know that’s not the point. You have to focus on your studies now. Worrying about whether I miss you shouldn’t be your priority.”

Donghyuck felt his frustration slowly turning to resignation, pulling to his mind all his last attempts at convincing you to tell him how you truly felt.

“You don’t want me there? Can you honestly say that you don’t wish that I was there with you, to take care of you and to go through this together with you?”

You tried your best to harden your gaze, “this shouldn’t be your priority right now.” you repeated, not missing the way his lips had parted.

“Listen to me, Donghyuck.”

There it was, you hadn’t called him that in ages.

“You have to stay there, focus on your studies-”

Donghyuck let out something between an angry hum and a grunt, looking more than a little upset.

“-make your parents happy. Don’t let me or your parents down.”

He grunted again, letting out one last sigh, a silence falling between the both of you.

“How long are you gonna keep pretending you can handle all of this alone?”

You frowned at his words.

“I’m not pretending. You being here is just gonna complicate things,” you tried to reason, making his frown deepen.

Donghyuck frowned, “Complicate what? I love you. We’re supposed to go through these things together. I’m no expert, but I would say I as the father deserve to be a part of their life as much as you do.”

This made you think of his parents, how selfish they were for depriving him of this, and how selfish you were to be going along with it.

The line between doing things for the greater good and unreasonable sacrifice had begun to blur considerably in your head.

“You do,” you sighed, not being able to come up with a better response.

You’d heard your bedroom door open, the sound of Jaehyun’s laughter as he told you to get out of bed making Donghyuck frown, his insecurities getting the better of him.

“So you’re fine with accepting help from Jaehyun, but suddenly it’s the end of the world if i’m the one offering it?”

You scoffed, finding his argument turning petty, “that’s different, Hyuck. Jaehyun has nothing to do with this, he’s been helping me through this. He’s been nothing but good to me,” you defended Jaehyun, not knowing that your words had only put a sour taste on Donghyuck’s tongue, the annoyance at his parents bubbling out and being directed towards you.

“Yeah,” he let out a bitter huff of laughter, “and I've been nothing but bad, right?”

You hated the silence that fell between you after that, Jaehyun freezing in place when he realised what he’d accidentally intruded in on.

You let out a sigh finally.

“I don’t wanna fight with you,” you sighed, watching Donghyuck’s hand move up to grip at his hair, letting it go with a sigh.

Donghyuck nodded, a small sigh leaving him, “me neither.”

“I just need you to promise me that you’ll do what you have to do.” You let go of your blanket that you only noticed you were gripping now, bringing your hand up to touch your ear, fidgeting as you averted your gaze from Donghyuck’s.

“Okay,” he murmured, “I love you.”  

You sighed, mustering a small smile for him and nodding.

He’d let you hang up the call first.

Donghyuck hadn’t visited after that. He couldn’t. He knew that visiting would mean confrontation from his parents, from your parents, from his and your friends, from Jaehyun, but it wasn’t as if he was scared of that, no.

The thing he feared most about visiting was seeing you. How he knew that once he saw you there would’ve been no going back for him. But he never would’ve had the guts to do that and risk your relationship.

He was going to listen to you, and push through the next three years away from you so he could go back and see you and your baby. That was the least he could do for you, so he was going to do it.

===

“You’re kidding me, right?” Jaehyun raised an eyebrow at you from where he sat on the other side of the bar.

“What’s there to kid about?” you shrugged, leaning back where you stood so your co-worker could walk past you, your belly taking up more space in the walkway than you never could’ve imagined it would.

“You can’t possibly work here forever, aren’t you looking for jobs?”

“Easy for you to say,” you huffed, walking around the counter and taking a seat next to Jaehyun, your co-worker bringing over some food for the both of you, “I would need actual qualifications to get a job.”

“Uh-huh, you talk like you don’t already have a degree.” Jaehyun sighed, sounding exasperated with you as he took another sip of his beer, setting it down on the counter a little too strongly, his abrupt gesture almost knocking his briefcase off of the table.

“Just because I somehow managed to graduate during this mess doesn’t mean that that guarantees me a place in law school, you know,” your gaze was pointed, seeing Jaehyun wave you off with his hand holding his fork.

“Even if it’s not law, you should still find another job. Fine, screw law, let’s say, i’m talking about something that’ll support you and baby better,” he persuaded.

You wondered momentarily if his insistence came from something (or someone) else, but you pushed the thought away as quickly as it came. You haven’t had an actual conversation with Donghyuck in months, aside from updating him on doctors appointments. It was like neither of you could bring yourselves to go further than that.

“Give it up, Jae. You think I haven’t tried? The moment I come into the interview and they see… this,” you gestured to your belly, “they change. No one wants to accept me now. They know that the moment I come in, I’ll be out just as quickly for maternity leave, why would there be any reason to hire me?”

“Because of your qualifications…?” he supplied with a sheepish grin, making you shoot him a glare.

Jaehyun stared at you blankly, letting out a final sigh, picking his utensils up to cut half of his burger to put on your plate, scooping some of your pasta onto his.

“Fine, but you have to promise me you won’t stop trying, okay? It’s not as if you can’t still try for the LSATs this year,”

You nodded, waving him off as you tried to straighten up in your seat, wincing at the dull ache in your shoulders. Jaehyun’s next statement made you freeze in place.

“He’s not gonna be happy if he saw you like this.”

Your lack of a response had only made him shake his head as you chewed on your pasta wordlessly.

“You still haven’t spoken to him?”

You shrugged.

“It’s a yes or no question, babe. Your baby’s gonna be due in like what, two weeks? And you still insist on being stubborn?”

“I’m not the stubborn one, his parents are.”

“Then why are you taking it out on him?” Jaehyun laughed, looking at you incredulously, making you huff.

“I just don’t like calling him these days, okay? I don’t know if it’s the hormones or whatever but I literally can’t bring myself to call him, every time we call it just ends up in some petty fight that I just don’t feel like dealing with, okay? I’m stressed enough as it is.”  

You knew it was a pathetic excuse, and Jaehyun made it very obvious that he thought so too, snorting as he picked up a fry with his fingers, tossing it into his mouth, “bullshit, stop being a coward and call him. For all you know he’s too chicken to make the first move either.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yes it is,” Jaehyun stuck his tongue out at you, “here, I’ll give you an example. You guys still need to decide on a baby name, right? Why not just use that as a reason to call him?”

You huffed, mulling over his words as you leant back in your seat, your hand rubbing your belly absently. You didn’t notice the way people were staring as they walked past you and Jaehyun, murmuring and whispering among themselves as they pointed at the both of you, only to look away when Jaehyun directed a protective glare towards them.

“Okay, fine, I’ll call him,” you said, more to yourself than to him.

The phone call was awkward, to say the least, as if the both of you had forgotten how to talk to each other. You didn’t miss the preoccupied glaze to Donghyuck’s gaze, the way he would sigh ever so often even if the both of you weren’t talking about anything.  

“Are you feeling alright?” you dared to ask him, and once again, Donghyuck felt himself soften at your words, looking at you blankly before nodding belatedly.

“My parents uh… kind of told me about their whole plan the other day,” he told you, looking at you as if for some sort of acknowledgement.

“Uh-huh,” you prompted, shifting in your seat and holding your phone lower momentarily, Donghyuck almost losing his train of thought at the sight of how big your belly had grown.

“They kind of uh… they have a plan to open a new sub of the company in town,” he began, “and they want me to be the managing director of that branch or some shit,” he explained, making you nod slowly.

You felt the awkwardness starting to dissipate, especially with the way he’d started looking into the camera more.

“That’s great, isn’t it?” you raised your eyebrows in surprise, unsure why he looked so unenthusiastic about the news.

“No, yeah, it is I guess. Just… kind of means I don’t really have a choice.”

You nodded, “you’re gonna do great,” you assured him.

Donghyuck sighed, “let’s not… talk about them, hmm? What did you say just now? Baby names?”

You nodded, seeing him give you a small smile, letting out a sheepish giggle, “believe it or not, I actually… had a few in mind.”

“Me too,” you chimed in, and he’d lifted a hand to prompt you to say your suggestions first, rolling over in your bed and resting your phone on your pillow, your hands moving to fiddle with the plaster on your hand.

Donghyuck couldn’t help but stare at you in awe as you went off on your ramble on the baby name suggestions, a part of you growing embarrassed at your reason for selection being that you thought it sounded nicer with Donghyuck’s surname.

“I love you,” he murmured suddenly, catching you off guard, especially with the lazy smile he gave you as he said it, shifting his head on his pillow.

Your eyes widened, responding with your first thought in your flustered state.

“Were you even listening to me?”

Donghyuck huffed, rolling his eyes at you though his soft smile didn’t leave him, his eyes blinking slowly, “I like Seul, let’s go with that.”

You frowned, “really? But you haven’t even said your suggestions yet.”

Donghyuck shook his head, “don’t need to. I like your suggestions.”

You flushed at his forwardness, thankful for the first good conversation you’d had in a while with him.

“Okay, we’ll go with Seul, then.”

This side of Donghyuck, you were thankful to see again, and you thought just for a moment that this would be when everything started to settle down.

===

And so it seemed, he tried his best to be there with you during the birth of the baby, bugging Jaehyun for updates even though he knew he had a million other assignments he was busy with.

He would try to call you once a week, to see Seul and to play with her for a while, which you were thankful for, but it seemed that the more time passed, the more reality had started to sink in, no matter how much you tried to avoid it, especially in situations like these.

You’d just finished attending a church service, thankful that Seul was well-behaved during the service. Jaehyun had offered to carry her as the three of you made your way out of the chapel, eager to avoid the disapproving stares and questions from Donghyuck’s parents and their army of supporters.

Though it seemed that you weren’t so lucky this week, bumping into one of your friends from university as you were nearing Jaehyun’s car.

“Y/N?” you heard them ask, feeling a hand on your shoulder as you turned to face them, a smile (that may have teetered on the edge of being forced) on your face as you greeted her.

“Hey,” you let out a nervous laugh, ignoring the way Jaehyun had stood behind her with a questioning stare on his face, bouncing Seul on his hip as she giggled and tried to grab his necklace.

“How’ve you been? Haven’t seen you in a while,” she told you, fishing her sunglasses out of her bag and perching them on her forehead, her long, salon-pressed hair flowing over her shoulders, you couldn’t help but let your gaze travel down to her outfit as you tried to form a response in your head.

She looked beautiful, in her figure-hugging dress and finely manicured nails to the pretty bag hanging from her arm. You were almost envious, and Jaehyun could tell.

“Oh, nothing, just… uh, the usual,” you laughed it off, “what about you?”

You tried not to wallow in your self-pity as you glanced at your own getup, the baby bag hanging from your shoulder and a loose plain dress on you, it was a wonder how that difference alone had made you seem years older than her.  

“Remember I told you I was gonna take some time off to figure out what I really wanted and all, so eventually I decided on law school! Funny, right? I actually received my admission letter this morning! What about you? You’re in law school too, right?”

As if Seul’s timing couldn’t have been any worse, you heard the telltale sound of her repetitive cries, Jaehyun quickly identifying the cry and making his way closer to you, not caring about interrupting your conversation.

“She’s hungry, gimme the bottle,” you’d opened your bag quickly, fishing out Seul’s milk bottle and handing it to Jaehyun, the action drawing your friend’s attention towards Jaehyun.

Her eyes widened, “oh! Who’s this?” her gaze flickered between Jaehyun and the baby.

“Oh, this is just uh, Jaehyun, my friend,” you gestured to him, “Jaehyun this is my classmate from university, Abby.”

“What about this cute little baby, is she yours?” she asked Jaehyun, making Jaehyun glance at you to search your gaze, a silent plea urging you to step in before he could explain on your behalf.

“Oh, uh.. No, actually, this is my daughter,” you refrained from wincing as you told her, trying to ignore the way the rest of the church-goers walking past the three of you were staring.

Her eyes had widened, her lips parting in shock, and you didn’t miss the way her eyes had immediately darted to yours and Jaehyun’s hands, as if checking for wedding rings.

She fumbled for a response, “oh, uh… wow! That’s um—”

Jaehyun rolled his eyes, shooting her a sweet smile, “yeah, we should get going, nice meeting you,” he spoke quickly, already beginning to lead you away with a hand on the small of your back guiding you after you took Seul from him.

“That was rude, we didn’t finish our conversation,” you sighed, making Jaehyun scoff.

“That was more of a train-wreck than a conversation. You mean you wanted to prolong that?” he looked at you with a mix of amusement,  disbelief and annoyance, shutting the car door for you once you were seated, walking around the car to sit himself in the driver’s seat.

You frowned, hearing him turn on the engine before he turned to face you, looking at Seul with a soft smile.

“Still, it’s been a while since i’ve spoken with her, okay?” you supplied, earning a snort from Jaehyun.

“Okay, fine. I’ll finish up the conversation for you, ‘oh, you have a child? But you’re not married! Golly gee that’s against the lord’s teachings!’” he began, raising his voice as he imitated her, and then proceeding to do an awfully accurate rendition of your voice, “‘oh yeah, that’s cause my boyfriend knocked me up and his psycho parents won’t let him come back to be with me’, ‘oh, really? That’s horrible!’—”

“Alright, fine, I get it,” you rolled your eyes at him, not being able to help the laugh that escaped you, “also, ‘golly gee’?” you grinned, making Jaehyun let out an amused huff, shaking his head at you.

“I said what I said,” he shrugged, “anyway, don’t think I didn’t hear what she said just now—”

“Eavesdropping as usual,” you sighed.

“—does Donghyuck know you didn’t take the LSATs?”

Your thumb that was caressing Seul’s arm had ceased its ministrations, making Jaehyun let out a groan.

“You can’t be serious.”

“First of all, I genuinely forgot to tell him. And second of all, he never asked!” you defended, making Seul’s eyes light up at your animation, her hand gripping onto the neckline of your shirt-dress.

“That’s not how these things work, babe. Don’t you think he would’ve assumed you would’ve picked up where you left off? And that you wouldn’t just be working at a diner instead?”

You inhaled deeply, Seul having finished her bottle of milk and deciding she was ready for a nap, and you leaned over carefully to cap the bottle and toss it into the bag, shrugging once you were seated upright, making Seul comfortable as she nuzzled into your chest.

“I doubt he’d assume that,” you yawned, making Jaehyun scoff.

“You clearly have high expectations of your boyfriend. He’s gonna ask you about it at one point, you know, he keeps up to date with the application periods.”

You nodded, falling silent and knowing Jaehyun was right, feeling the car start to move, “I’ll drop you off at home and then i’ll go and get some things to cook lunch.”

“At this rate, you’d might as well be my nanny.”

Jaehyun hummed, “pay me and i’ll consider it.”

===

Jaehyun was right, Donghyuck was going to ask you about it at some point, you just didn’t know that point was going to arrive so soon.

“Hey, am I calling at a bad time?” Donghyuck asked upon you answering the call, his eyes wide and hesitant, making you shake your head.

“Seul’s asleep right now, unfortunately, but i’m alright to talk if you want.”

Donghyuck smiled, nodding, “I heard from one of my friends that they’d gotten their acceptance letter this morning, did you get yours yet?”

Your eyes widened at how fast he’d gotten to the point, feeling as though you were about to be sick as you shook your head slowly.

“No, uh… I didn’t,” you said, a pang of guilt spreading within you as you saw the way he frowned, his lower lip jutting out in a pout of pure confusion.

“Really? That’s weird, I figured yours would have arrived by now since you applied earlier than them, right?”

You didn’t want to keep lying to him, feeling as though you could already picture Jaehyun’s disapproving gaze as you inhaled deeply, mustering whatever courage you had left in you.

“No, it didn’t arrive because, uh,” you sniffed, scrunching your nose up just to stall, “I didn’t apply.”

Donghyuck frowned, his expression changing as his eyebrows raised, “you… huh?”

You nodded, “I didn’t apply.”

Donghyuck was trying to pull his thoughts together, not quite being able to comprehend your decision, especially when you were so insistent on pursuing law just months before.

“Well, why not?”

“I uh… I don’t know, I guess I just kind of decided that that wasn’t what I wanted to do anymore.”

Donghyuck’s frown deepened, feeling strangely hurt by the news.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

You shrugged, “It just didn’t really cross my mind, I guess. I was just so busy with everything else that I kind of just… forgot.”

Donghyuck huffed, though there was no trace of amusement behind his demeanour, “you forgot to tell me about something as big as a career change?”

You opened your mouth to respond, a weak excuse leaving your lips, “well, yeah, I mean I guess it just didn’t seem that important—”

“Are you hearing yourself? Y/N, we used to tell each other everything,” he let out a small sigh, “why do you keep hiding things from me?”

You frowned, “it wasn’t intentional.”

“Was it? You knew for a fact that I would want to hear these things, even from the news that you were pregnant, it’s like you just don’t feel the need to inform me about things—”

“Yeah but that’s because this decision was mine to make,” you tried to defend yourself, Donghyuck’s pent up frustration getting the better of him as he scoffed.

“Was it really? I know you, Y/N, and I know it would’ve taken a lot for you to make that decision, but seriously? To keep something like that from me? What was so bad about me finding out?”

You sighed, “I didn’t want to worry you, Hyuck.”

“How can you think that way? How many times do I need to remind you that I love you and that won’t change based on what career you decide to pursue,” his voice sounded strained, but there was something in his expression that looked almost angry.

“Then why are you getting mad at me for not applying? You know it would have happened sooner or later.”

“No, Y/N, that’s the thing, I didn’t know that this was going to happen. And I’m not… mad at you I'm just frustrated, okay?” he sighed, “I just… don’t like how different things have been between us ever since I left.”

You took your lower lip between your teeth as he spoke, “frustrated?” you cursed yourself for that being the only word that had left you, seeing him let out a deep breath you hadn’t known he was holding.

“Yes, I'm frustrated. Do you know how shitty it feels? Knowing that you went through all of that and i’m not even allowed to come back and be with you? Be with Seul?” he licked his lips, continuing on his outburst, ”how stressful it is thinking about what’s waiting for me at the company when I come back? And all of this while you’re just over there refusing anything that I can offer to you?”

Donghyuck wanted to cry out, to tell you just how alone he felt, but his emotions seemed to have manifested in the form of finding more reasons to justify the sour feeling within him. Everything except the actual underlying reason, which was that he missed you more than anything.

“You won’t even let me send you money! What the hell am I supposed to do? Just sit here and be the selfish, piece-of-shit parent that’s desperate for your attention?”

You shook your head, the way the hurt was so obvious in his voice making a feeling of a suffocating sadness grow within you, “no, I didn’t tell you things that I felt would just cause you unnecessary worry, you already had enough on your plate! I didn’t want to make you feel worse.” You knew explaining your excuses now would’ve been useless, but you tried nonetheless.

Donghyuck scoffed, “well, it’s a little late for that, right?”

“Don’t say that, Hyuck.”

“Why not? It’s the truth. If anything, Jaehyun’s doing more for you as a friend than I am as your boyfriend, and as a father, and that sucks the most. You don’t notice it, but I feel it, okay? It’s like you don’t even want me there anymore.”

Donghyuck was hurt, and you could tell, but that didn’t mean you weren’t either. You were tired of fighting with him, especially because you knew the real reason why you were always fighting.

You always did tell him you didn’t believe in long distance relationships.

“I can’t deal with this now,” you told him, “I’m sorry. I really am. I know things are hard for you there but trying to manage Seul and look for jobs is hard enough, I don’t need you coming at me for not living up to what you expect of me too.” You sighed, your annoyance getting the better of you, knowing you were both too caught up in your emotions at this point to know better, Donghyuck’s gaze hardening.

“What do you suppose we do then?” he asked you calmly, making you shrug.

“Maybe it’s best if we just stop… doing things.”

Donghyuck’s eyebrows furrowed, “what do you mean by that?”

“I mean,” you sighed, “we’re both not in the right… place right now, you have your worries, I have mine. I don’t want us to just keep taking it out on each other, you know?” you told him, a certain resignation to your tone.

He paused, as if processing what you’d said, and you watched intently. The way his eyebrows had knit into a frown, the way he chewed on his lower lip as he thought, until he’d finally released his lip, his eyes glazing over in realisation.

“You wanna break up.”

You pursed your lips, nodding, “I think it’s only right for us at this point of time. Haven’t you realised? All we ever do lately is fight, when half the time the person we’re mad at isn’t even each other. I don’t like feeling like I have to walk on eggshells just to have a normal call with you, do you get where i’m coming from?”

Donghyuck had fallen silent, all he could bring himself to do was to nod. If this was what you wanted, who was he to force you to stay?

“Okay.”

You nodded, “you can call for Seul whenever, just let me know beforehand…I just need some time, okay?” you dared yourself to look at the screen, his expression hadn’t changed, it was still the same glazed-over one from before.

“Okay,” he repeated, making you sigh.

“Bye, Hyuck.”

His gaze had flickered to look at the screen upon hearing that, his tongue coming out to lick his lips, pressing them into a firm line, nodding, his voice coming out as barely a whisper as he let out a small ‘love you’, hanging up promptly after.

===

“Baby, would you look at that? It’s your dad!” you tried to keep your tone excited as you showed her your phone, a part of you softening when you saw the way she’d lit up with excitement at the sight of Donghyuck on the phone.

You watched the way she’d giggled and tried to reach out for the screen as Donghyuck played with her, his unintelligible noises seeming to excite her. You brushed her hair back, the act of simply watching the way her gummy smile grew and the fullness of her cheeks when she smiled being enough to put a smile on your face.

The phone call had gone fairly smoothly, though you were hoping they would wrap it up soon so you could head off to work. Yes, you worked on weekends too, because that meant more money.

They found you to be a pretty good employee, in fact, mentioning that they were awarding promotions soon and you seemed to be a pretty good candidate with your consistency and work ethic.

Jaehyun always commented that it was a wonder how you’d managed to get so invested in working at the diner.

Once you heard him tell her he had to go soon, you’d switched the camera back to face you, momentarily distracted when Jaehyun had entered the room, making a beeline for Seul with a loud chime of “seul-ie!” leaving his lips, the said girl giggling wildly at the sight of him.

“So uh… how are you?” you’d almost missed the question, looking at the screen blankly for lack of a response.

“I have to go, I’ve got work,” you told him quickly, making his eyes widen, nodding quickly.

“Right, sorry… shouldn’t keep you, then. Bye,” he pressed his lips in a thin line, earning a nod from you.

“Yeah, bye.”

You ended the call promptly, not hearing if he’d said anything else before you hung up, as if a part of you was afraid to hear him say he loved you.

Standing up to pick up your bag, you made eye contact with Jaehyun who was looking at you with a displeased expression.

“What?” you scoffed.

“That was heartbreaking,” Jaehyun shook his head, a deep sigh leaving him.

He continued, “I still can’t believe you, I said ‘have a good chat with him’, not break up with him while I go get groceries,” he sighed deeply, making you roll your eyes.

“Yeah, save the lecture for later, i’m late for work.”

“I’ll give you a ride,” he told you, moving to get up and pick Seul up in his arms naturally, cooing at her, “Seul-ie, let’s go on a car ride!”

Strapping Seul into her carseat, you’d let Jaehyun give you a ride to the diner, mentally preparing yourself for the full day of work that awaited you.

“Pick you up when you’re done?” Jaehyun asked, earning a nod from you, already beginning to unbuckle your seatbelt.

“Thanks for looking after Seul, by the way, I know you’re busy—”

“Seriously, it’s nothing,” Jaehyun dismissed you quickly, “it’s more for me than for her,” he joked, making you roll your eyes.

“Don’t steal my daughter,” you warned, though there was no menace behind your tone. You leaned over to press a kiss to Seul’s head, bidding her goodbye before you straightened up.

“Yeah, yeah, I won’t,” Jaehyun waved you off, “have a good day.”

While you worked, you tried to ignore the way the majority of the people that dined in were office workers, most (if not all) you recognised thanks to how small this town was. You thought you were doing a pretty good job at hiding your discomfort, though, plastering on a smile as you served them as you swallowed down the thoughts their stares had planted within you.

You’d even had a run-in with the same woman who gave you that stare of pity at Donghyuck’s farewell party, though if anything, the pity in her stare was heightened, and you didn’t miss the way she’d pretended to be shocked that you were working here (you knew she was pretending, it wasn’t the first time she was here since you started working here).

Thankfully, your lunch break had arrived quickly, as you seated yourself in the kitchen to eat your lunch in peace without all the prying eyes on you.

The first year of Seul’s life was good, because in that year, you’d made a new friend.

“Can I join you?” your head snapped up mid-bite of your food, spotting the new hire, a young boy that went by the name of Chenle.

“Go ahead,” you gestured a hand for him to take a seat, startling slightly from the sheer force he’d sat with, whipping out a package of food you recognised to be from the fast food joint down the street.

“Heard this place is hiring,” you teased, gesturing to his food, “i’m sure they’d be glad to hire such a loyal fan like you,” you told him, earning a scoff from him.

“No thanks, I like the diner better. Feels more cozy,” he shrugged, taking a shockingly big bite out of his burger, staring at you intently as he did so.

You couldn’t help but laugh, his expression serving to be quite amusing, especially with the way he seemed too deep in thought to bother noticing how half of his burger’s contents were spilling out.

“Yes?” you prompted, quirking an eyebrow at him in confusion.

“Doesn’t it bother you?” he swallowed his mouthful of food, looking at you curiously, his head tilting.

“Doesn’t what bother me?” you asked, taking another bite of your sandwich.

Chenle’s gaze darted to the door of the kitchen, glancing at the walls before looking back at you, shrugging, “you know, the rumours about you?”

You shook your head, leaning forward so you could hear him better amidst the chaos in the kitchen, “what kind of rumours?”

Chenle scrunched his nose up in distaste, taking another bite out of his taco, “you really haven’t heard any of them?”

You shook your head again, making Chenle’s frown deepen.

“Well, now I don’t feel like telling you, some of them are pretty harsh.”

You rolled your eyes, a huff of laughter leaving you, “I think i’ve heard worse, c’mon, hit me.”

Chenle pressed his lips together tightly, chewing on his mouthful of food slowly, “well, what i’ve heard was that you were with that guy, right? The son of that couple that owns that gadget company?”

You nodded, “that’s true so far,” you laughed, prompting him to continue with a nod.

“Well, yeah, so they say you cheated on him with your friend Jaehyun? And then you got pregnant, and then you’ve been getting money from the son… “ Chenle frowned, “but then I always thought that seemed a little strange, because if you were getting money from him, you wouldn’t have to work here as much as you do…right?”

You snorted, “At least you got the first part right,” you told him.

“I was dating their son,” you explained, “and it’s his baby, by the way. Not Jaehyun’s. God, no.”

“But uh.. I’ve just been spending more time with Jaehyun since Donghyuck’s overseas doing his masters, you know… long distance and all,” you shrugged, setting your plate aside, “and you’re right, I’m not taking money from him. Just… didn’t feel right I guess. And plus, his parents would kill me if they found out the money they wire to him is just going to me instead.”

Chenle nodded, “can I be honest?” though he hadn’t waited for your response to continue, “his parents don’t seem like very nice people.”

You huffed, “I guess you wouldn’t be entirely wrong,” you hummed, “they just… care a lot about their company.”

“Figured,” Chenle pursed his lips, looking up at you as if in realisation, “so you’re taking care of your kid alone?”

You weren’t sure whether to nod or shake your head, letting out a long hum, “I wouldn’t say alone exactly. I mean, I have Jaehyun and my parents, they help me look after her during weekends and like sometimes during evenings.”

Chenle sighed softly, nodding, “I really… respect you for that.” He looked down at his watch, running his thumb over the smartwatch with an emotion that seemed almost akin to guilt

“Thank you,” you murmured, “I'm really not doing that much.”

Shaking his head, Chenle had dismissed your humility, “that’s bullshit, parenting isn’t easy,” he gave you a small smile, “but uh, if you don’t mind me asking, how do you deal with the long distance?”

Your eyes widened at his question, your hand fiddling with the hem of your apron, “we broke up, quite recently actually.”

Chenle’s lips parted in shock at that, his hand freezing around his watch,“oh…  sorry.”

Dismissing him with a wave, “it’s fine, I figured it was what we needed at the time, since we were both stressed out and it just didn’t feel right to just take it out on each other all the time… but he still calls regularly to see Seul, of course.”

Chenle hummed, the sour expression still lingering on his features, you couldn’t help but notice the way he’d been staring at your food, a part of you thinking you knew the reason behind his staring.

“Do you want some?” you offered.

Chenle’s reaction was almost immediate, perking up in his seat as he was already holding his burger closer to you, “can I?”

You nodded, holding a hand out, “we can do a trade.”

Watching curiously as he took your lunchbox eagerly from you, scooping a mouthful of the dishes into his mouth, sighing in contentment.

As if realising what he’d done, Chenle looked sheepish, trying to slow down his pace in eating your food.

“I’m guessing it’s been a while since you had home-cooked food?” you asked, something about the gentleness of your tone making Chenle relax, turning to you to nod, his cheeks still full of food.

Swallowing it down, he’d opened his mouth to speak, “yeah… didn’t realise how much I missed it. You know, the restaurants here don’t serve food like this,” he murmured, gesturing to your lunchbox in his lap.

You hummed in understanding, “I’m actually learning how to make more dishes these days, so these are kind of the leftovers from my tries… if you want I can pack some for you too, you know,” you proposed, trying to sound casual so your proposal wouldn’t burden him.

Chenle looked at you with an unreadable emotion behind his gaze, nodding at you with a small smile on his face, the shyness he exuded a contrast from the explosive demeanour of his that you were more used to seeing.

“I would really like that,” he told you, though his gaze had shifted to the lunchbox in his lap, his lower lip jutting out slightly in a small pout, looking strangely glum all of a sudden.

Nudging him, you’d let out a small giggle, “hey, why do you look so sad? Sorry, I’m probably oversharing, right?”

His eyes had met yours, shaking his head, “nah, just… people are too mean to you… you don’t deserve it.” he murmured.

“It’s really fine, they can say what they want, my daughter’s the best thing that happened to me.”

Chenle perked up at that, the smile returning to his face, “what’s her name?”

You weren’t sure why you were so comfortable around Chenle. Maybe it was because of how he was so helpful to you in work after he started working at the diner, or maybe it was because of the way he was one of the few people that didn’t greet you with shocked stares or murmured about you when they thought you weren’t looking. Whatever it was, you were thankful for it.

“Seul,” you smiled, “she’s turning 1 soon, next week, do you wanna come for the celebration? It won’t be anything super extravagant, of course.”

“Can I get her a gift?” his eyebrows raised, nodding eagerly at you, making you narrow your eyes at him.

“You can… but nothing too expensive, okay?” you warned, seeing his expression change to a sheepish one, his hand coming up next to his face and giving you a firm nod.

“I’ll make sure of it, scout’s honour.”

It was pretty clear after that that Chenle did not honour any scouts code whatsoever when he’d arrived at your house on Seul’s birthday with a non-wrapped (unless you count the plastic covering and the bright red ribbon on top as wrapping) stroller and a bright grin on his face.

“I told you not to get anything expensive! This must’ve cost more than a month’s pay,” you said with a gasp, running your fingers over the handle as you admired how sleek it looked. You never would’ve imagined strollers could look so good, and it wasn’t just any kind of stroller, it was those fancy dutch ones you always saw in the catalogues that would move with the push of a finger and weighed like a feather.

Chenle had strolled over to where you were, carrying Seul on his hip as he gave you an unapologetic shrug.

“If it makes you feel any better, it’s a present from both my mom and I?” he offered, making you shake your head at him, though you couldn’t help but smile.

Jaehyun marvelled at the stroller with you, flashing a dimpled grin at Chenle, “I can’t believe it even has cup holders,” he sighed wistfully, making you scoff.

Your mom was thanking Chenle profusely, the 20 year old dismissing her thanks quickly, assuring her that it was ‘nothing’. If over a thousand dollars on a stroller was just nothing.

Your dad suggested bringing out the cake now, so you’d paused your conversation to prepare the cake, pressing the candle into it gently and lighting it, trying to endure the soreness in your shoulders as you brought it outside to the living room where everyone else was.

Jaehyun had called Donghyuck, letting him join in on the birthday celebration as you all sang a song for her, and you tried not to get distracted at the way Donghyuck’s voice had stuck out from the rest.

Cutting a small piece of the cake (you figured it wasn’t much of a cake, it was banana bread, really, since you felt like it wasn’t probably the best idea to stuff her full of icing at this stage) for Seul, you’d taken a seat on the sofa next to Chenle, your mom smiling and cooing at Seul as she fed her.

“I really owe you for this,” you told Chenle.

Chenle gave you a small smile, “you really don’t, I saw how jacked up the old stroller you had was, figured you could use a new one.”

Jaehyun nodded with wholehearted agreement, “he’s right, you could barely close the old one, and the wheels were falling apart.”

You shot him a pointed look, “it was your stroller!”

“My cousin’s to be exact, I don’t claim it,” Jaehyun shrugged, “but that doesn’t matter anymore because you have a sick stroller now!” he added quickly with a grin.

You glanced over at your mom, seeing that she was currently talking to Donghyuck on the phone as she held Seul in her lap, making you slightly curious as to what they were so intently conversing about, your mom letting out understanding murmurs and hums of surprise ever so often.

As if your staring had been felt by your mom, she’d turned to face you, her eyebrows raised in a silent question of whether you’d wanted to talk to him, earning a shake of the head from you. Your mom had only sighed at that, shaking her head at you as she handed the phone to your dad.

“She’s still mad at me for breaking up with him.”

Jaehyun snorted, “yeah, I completely get where she’s coming from.”

You ignored him, your gaze fixed on your dad who was currently talking to him through the phone, trying to decipher whatever your dad was mumbling about to him, Jaehyun’s voice distracting you.

“You’re so obvious,” Jaehyun snickered, making you huff.

“Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jaehyun raised his eyebrows at you, a hint of a smirk playing at his lips, “what? I was just saying you were being so obvious that you wanted to hold Seul,” he defended, making your mouth shut quickly.

Only then did he snicker, “See? I knew it. You’re not looking at Seul as much as you’re looking at Seul’s dad.”

Chenle’s eyebrows raised at that, leaning closer to Jaehyun to get a peek at the phone your mom was holding, “is that him?”

You nodded, looking down at your plate with what you hoped was an air of nonchalance.

“Thoughts?” Jaehyun prompted Chenle, holding his plastic fork out in a makeshift microphone.

You couldn’t help yourself from glancing at Chenle, curious to hear his thoughts, somehow feeling as though he would give you an unusual perspective from what people usually thought about Donghyuck, hearing the sound of Donghyuck laughing in the background.

“Well,” he hummed, “he does seem a whole lot nicer than his parents.”

===

Seul’s second year was even better. It surprised you, really, how quick she’d been to pick up words and repeat after the things she heard even though she’d just turned 2 not long ago. She’d begun to address you and Donghyuck as mummy and daddy, and recently begun to call Jaehyun ‘Uncle Jojo’ instead of just ‘jojo’.

You’d just gone to pick Seul up from her childcare centre, almost running late because you’d missed the bus. Nearing the location, you could already see the many children walking out with their parents, holding different crafts in their hands as they told their parents about their day.

Entering the childcare, you’d almost instantly spotted Seul, her brightly coloured hair band setting her apart from the rest of the kids while waiting for you.

Her shoes were already on, holding a big yellow paper plate with yellow and orange pipe cleaners sticking out from the edges.

Lighting up upon seeing you, she greeted you with a wide grin, as you made your way past the other parents and children over to her to give her a hug.

“Hey, baby,” you nuzzled your nose in her cheek, making her erupt into giggles, waving her artwork around. You recognised the woman approaching the both of you to be her teacher, who gave you a friendly smile.

“Hi, dear, how’ve you been?” You understood the premise of her question, since it had been your parents picking her up the past few days since they were on leave, but you appreciated her concern nonetheless.

“I’m alright, thank you for asking. Just a little busy, is all,” you shrugged, your hand unconsciously coming up to the back of Seul’s head, caressing her skin there gently.

“Special occasion?” you asked, glancing around and noticing almost all the children had different crafts and cards with them, earning a nod from Seul’s teacher.

“Yeah, it’s fathers’ day today, so we had them make crafts, but this little one,” she’d reached over to boop Seul’s nose, the toddler scrunching her nose up in response, “insisted on making an extra sun,” she told you, Seul turning to you to nod vigorously.

“For daddy,” she told you, her smile seeming awfully shy, which had only endeared you more.

About to ask her teacher about what else they did, you heard one of the parents from Seul’s class make a snarky remark.

“What’s all the fuss for if she’s not even going to see her father?”

You’d forgotten what you’d wanted to say to Seul’s teacher, your jaw tightening at that parent’s words, Seul’s teacher casting you a sympathetic glance.

“Don’t mind them, i’m sure Seul’s father will love it.”

You stared at her blankly, nodding, trying to regain your composure. Thanking her quickly, you were eager to leave, buckling Seul into her stroller and leaving the childcare. A sour feeling lingered within you as you wondered if these parents would tell their kids about Seul’s situation, wondering if any of her friends had asked her about her father.

“We can call daddy later, okay?” you told her, peeping over the stroller at her and smiling at the way she’d nodded eagerly.

You could tell she looked forward to seeing him, even if it was through a screen, and you could understand why, Donghyuck was ever-so-doting and loving when he spoke to her. For that, you were thankful.

Taking your time to walk (the muscles in your shoulders throbbed as you pushed the stroller) you’d gotten a text from Jaehyun, pulling your phone out once you were walking through the park to check it

Jaehyun 5:47pm - might get off work a little later, can i join for dessert?-

You almost sighed at the thought of dessert, it’d been a while since you’d had the energy to even think about dessert once you were done for the day, but if Jaehyun was offering, how could you refuse?

5:50pm -only if it’s from that bakery near the diner-

Jaehyun’s reply came quickly.

Jaehyun 5:50pm - of course- 5:50pm - who do you think i am a savage?-

Seul was busy swinging her legs and scrutinising her ‘sun’ intently, smiling and waving the artwork at the strangers who you’d walked past, reminding you of how she’d definitely resembled Donghyuck in that aspect.

Thankful that you’d gotten her home before she grew too restless, you guided her to the bathroom.

“It’s shower time, Seul!” You cheered, her footsteps quickening to the bathroom at your announcement, already grasping at her uniform as a signal that she’d wanted it off.

You’d helped her out of her clothes, showering her and washing her hair as best as you could, hearing her telling you about what she did in school while you did so.

By the time you were done, it’d looked as though you’d taken a shower as well, your shirt and shorts wet from Seul grasping at your shirt and trying to hide her face from the water whenever you pointed the shower-head at her hair.

After which, you’d gotten her changed into her pyjamas, letting her play with the toys Jaehyun had gotten her for her birthday that she’d been really into these days, using that small window of time to prepare dinner for her.

Almost done with preparing dinner, you’d quickened your pace as much as the recipe would allow, using your sleeve to dab at the perspiration on your temples, not finding it in you to care about how you may have looked, your main priority being to see through Seul’s dinner and let her have her phone call with Donghyuck.

Bringing the food over to the dining table, you’d gone to get Seul from the living room, heaving her up and setting her in her high-chair, the said girl already eyeing her food determinedly.

You’d focused on feeding her first, frankly not having the appetite but knowing you had to eat nonetheless, your food sitting untouched next to your elbow resting on the table.

“Mummy eat,” Seul had pulled you away from mixing her food to point at your plate, making you huff with a small smile.  

“Uh-huh, mummy will eat, don’t worry.”

Your response didn’t seem to have cut it for her, her doe eyes narrowing and her eyebrows lowering into a frown, “eat together,” she wagged her finger at you for emphasis.

Nodding at her, you’d turned to scoop a small spoonful of food into your mouth, looking at her with wide eyes, seeing her break into a grin, nodding at you.

“Good job, mummy.”

You laughed, setting your spoon down to brush a hand through her hair, “I should be mothering you, not the other way around,” you sighed softly.

Almost done with her food, you’d heard a knock at the door, the sound of the key being shoved into the lock before you heard the door open.

“Seul-ie! Uncle Jojo is here to see you,” Jaehyun’s voice echoed from the threshold, and soon enough you could put a face to the voice as he strolled into the kitchen, a paper bag dangling from his forefingers as he held his arms wide.

Seul had only mirrored the gesture, welcoming him into a hug as he pressed a loud kiss to her cheek, sighing as he pulled away.

“She smells so clean,” he gave you a pout, making you roll your eyes.

“Yes, because I literally just showered her,” you huffed, scooping the last few bits of her food and feeding it to her, Jaehyun moving past you to set the paper bag on the countertop, opening the fridge to set the cakes inside.

After Seul was done eating, her attention seemed to have been directed towards Jaehyun, her hands reaching out to pat and pinch at his cheeks.

“Aw, are you giving me a blush, Seul-ie?” he murmured, glancing over at you.

“Is that all you’re eating?” he frowned.

“Yeah, i’m not that hungry, I had a full lunch,” you explained. Courtesy of Chenle, of course, who insisted on you trying the new steak restaurant that had opened nearby the diner.

Nodding, he narrowed his eyes at you, his hands coming up to grab Seul’s hands from his face, waving them around as she giggled.

“But you’re still up for dessert?”

You scoffed, “of course.”

Almost done with your meal, you furrowed your eyebrows, thinking about what else you had left to do after this, as if going through a mental checklist in your head to see if you’d forgotten anything.

Well you’d showered her, that’s done. And fed her, done too. Bedtime stories can wait till later, all you needed was to call Donghyuck and then get her to bed then you could have a good shower and call it a day too.

“You look tired,” he hummed, making you sigh.

You shook your head at him in reassurance, “it’s fine, i’m alright.”

You didn’t know it, of course, but Jaehyun didn’t have to ask you twice to know you were lying. He’d almost wanted to laugh; he was sure if he asked you the same questions during your university finals you would’ve complained to no end. But it seemed as though you’d been trying to keep up your strong demeanour for Seul’s sake, (and your own sake too, he figured).

Jaehyun dismissed you with a wave, “it’s fine, I can call Donghyuck for you, you can go and take a shower.”

Narrowing your eyes at him, you saw him already getting up from his seat, and you’d put the dishes in the sink for you to wash later on.

Jaehyun picked Seul up with ease, making whooshing noises as he pretended to fly her to the living room.

While you showered, Jaehyun had removed his suit jacket, draping it over the back of the sofa and removing his tie, releasing the top button of his shirt with a tired sigh, “we’re gonna call daddy now, Seul-ie! Gonna wish daddy a happy fathers day!” he reminded her, something in his words making her perk up, running off to her room only to return with the paper plate sun she’d made in class.

“Ready,” she announced, standing next to where Jaehyun sat on your sofa with his legs crossed, making him lean over to scoop her up and seat her on his lap, his arms going around her so she could see what he was doing on his phone, her hand going to touch his wrist as he swiped through his phone.

Soon enough, she’d let out a squeal as the phone started to ring, tapping at the screen as if it would make Donghyuck appear. And surely enough, he did, appearing on the screen with his hood up over his head and his hair a fluffy mess on his head.

Donghyuck hoped his shock wasn’t as apparent at the sight of Jaehyun behind Seul instead of you, “hey, sweetie,” he drawled, flashing her a bright smile.

Jaehyun leaned over to whisper a reminder into Seul’s ear, “say happy fathers’ day, Seul-ie,” he tapped on her elbow, making her eyes widen, a giggle escaping her as she waved her sun excitedly, covering her face on accident as she wished him a happy fathers’ day.

“What’s that, Seul? Is that for me?”

She nodded vigorously, “It’s a sun! For you,” she grinned, setting it aside once she assumed she was done showing him his gift, making Jaehyun laugh.

“It’s like she’s got an agenda,” Jaehyun remarked, making Donghyuck let out a huff of laughter as well.

“Where’s um…” he trailed off, trying to be nonchalant, though Jaehyun was quick to realise what Donghyuck was asking for.

“She’s in the shower. Why? D’you wanna talk to her?”

Donghyuck hummed, taking his lower lip between his teeth in thought, mustering the courage to continue, “will she want to?”

There was a certain hopefulness in his tone that made Jaehyun hope you would say yes, “well, I can try asking her for you when she gets out.”

Donghyuck nodded, “yeah, thanks.”

It seemed that even though this was supposed to be Seul’s phone call with Donghyuck, it had ended up being Jaehyun’s, since Seul had gotten distracted halfway, deciding that playing with her Uncle jojo’s hair was more important than entertaining her dad’s questions.

“How’ve things been over there?” Jaehyun asked, earning a shrug from Donghyuck, his lips pursing.

“I’m finishing my course soon, but I uh… it’s kind of what I wanted to talk to Y/N about.”

Jaehyun’s eyebrows raised, jerking back slightly when Seul had suddenly thrown her arms around his neck, the force knocking the wind out of Jaehyun momentarily. Regaining his composure, he’d frowned at Donghyuck, a part of him growing nervous at what Donghyuck could have meant by that.

“Did something happen?”

Donghyuck inhaled deeply, tilting his head with a high pitched hum leaving him, “I guess you could say that.”

Jaehyun was about to prod further, hearing you making your way out into the living room, your hair damp and the sound of the velcro strap of your wrist guard being fastened as you walked towards Jaehyun.

Turning his head to look at you, Jaehyun called out, “hey, uh, Hyuck says he needs to talk to you about something.”

Your eyes widened, mouthing to him, “do you know what it is?”

Jaehyun shook his head, making you inhale deeply, letting out your breath in a sigh as you kept your expression neutral, nodding at him and holding your hand out.

“Yeah, alright, hand me the phone.”

Taking the phone from him, you’d kept your gaze firm as you stared at the screen, walking over to the kitchen for more privacy.

“What did you wanna talk to me about?” You asked. Your immediate thought being that he was about to tell you something regarding his return in October, which wasn’t that far from now. However, the question he’d greeted you with had caught you off guard.

“How’ve you been?” he asked, his tone gentle and his eyebrows lifted slightly in question.

You had to stop yourself from thinking there was any subtext behind his question, choosing to answer it for what it asked.

“Good,” you mumbled, your attention momentarily diverted to the incoming work email Jaehyun was getting.

“Oh, good,” he echoed, nodding slowly, making you raise an eyebrow expectantly.

“Is that all you wanted to ask me?”

Donghyuck was quick to shake his head, a string of rushed ‘no’s leaving his lips, “no, uh,” he gulped, “I actually wanted to tell you that my uh… I need to get a little like… work experience over here before I come back.”

You nodded, not finding that to be anything out of the ordinary, “oh, so you’ll stay there a little longer?”

He nodded.

“How long?”

Donghyuck pressed his lips into a firm line, releasing them with a hum, “one more year.”

You were shocked to say the least, even if your face didn’t show it. Seul was already 2, you didn’t want him to miss out on more of her big milestones.  

“Oh,” you managed to utter after a while, not even realising you hadn’t given him an answer, “alright, then.”

Donghyuck’s lips parted in shock, “you’re not upset?”

You shook your head. You really weren’t. You were tired, of course, but you knew that this was all part of his parent’s plan for him to have a smooth transition into the company. And since you’d already made it this far, you were ready to accept whatever other surprises they could possibly throw at you.

“Nope,” you popped the ‘p’, your tongue coming out to wet your lips.

Donghyuck hadn’t expected you to react so calmly. In fact, a part of him kind of wished you didn’t. He’d wanted any sign that you missed him, even the slightest disappointment from you, just so he knew that he wasn’t the only one desperate to get back to you.

“Is that all?” you asked him, seeing his lips part and close back again, shaking his head.

“I have a date,” he blurted out, “with this girl,” he added purposefully.

You wouldn’t have believed yourself if you said it’d already been over 2 years since you’d seen Donghyuck face-to-face, his words bringing you back to those moments he would tease you for getting jealous.

There was no date. Donghyuck spoke as if he didn’t just tell Renjun to pass on the message to the girl in his Art History module that he was very uninterested and a father.

Donghyuck was waiting, waiting for you to come out with the wide eyed expression of surprise, the questioning mutter of ‘girl?’ that would usually leave your lips whenever he mentioned things like these to you. You know, his usual roundabout way of getting information from you.

“Cool,” was your response instead, rendering him the wide-eyed one.

“Yeah… she’s from my class… really nice,” he continued, “pretty too. She’s a year older than me.”

You pressed your lips together in a firm line, nodding at him, “that’s great?” you let out a small huff of laughter, though a part of you was annoyed, unsure why he thought to tell you this.

You thought you’d agreed on taking a break until everything settled down, but you forgot to factor in how dating other people would’ve been seen as an option.

“You don’t mind me meeting up with her?” he prompted again.

“We’re not—” you stopped yourself, not wanting to raise your voice, your exasperation getting the better of you, “we’re not together, Donghyuck. You can meet whoever you want.”

There it was again, the pointed way you would say his name, that decisive statement that confirmed Donghyuck’s suspicions that he was still hanging on to you when you weren’t.

Your words left a sour taste on your tongue, worsening with the way Donghyuck had responded so quickly.

“Alright. That’s perfect, then,” he looked as if he was waiting for you to say something, your silence making him let out a resigned sigh, “I gotta go now,” he told you, as if you’d just finished a casual conversation, like nothing was out of the ordinary.

You nodded, finding yourself reluctant to end the call even though there shouldn’t have been anything keeping you from doing so. Maybe you were waiting, waiting for him to end the call like how he always did, but maybe you were expecting too much.

“Tell Seul I love her,” he added as an afterthought, leaving you with no other response than to nod.

You’d wanted to tell him he could just tell her himself, but you didn’t think you had it in you to prolong your conversation any longer, ending the call abruptly and setting Jaehyun’s phone down in your lap.

Your hand that was resting on the dining table had gone to cover your mouth, the simple action triggering tears to form in your eyes, your chest beginning to feel tight and heavy.

But you couldn’t dwell on that now, Seul still needed to be put to bed.

Wiping harshly at your tears that were threatening to spill from your eyes, you let out a shaky breath, a small whimper leaving you, gripping Jaehyun’s phone tightly in your hand before making your way back to the living room, seeing Seul lying on the sofa with her head on Jaehyun’s lap, listening to him talking about something you didn’t have the energy to eavesdrop on.

“Ready to go to bed, baby?” you asked, seeing her head perk up slowly, the way her movements seemed to be almost in slow-motion giving away that she was more than a little sleepy.

Jaehyun turned to look over his shoulder at you, stretching his hands out over his head with a loud yawn, “I can do it, if you want.”

You were about to shake your head, but you figured you weren’t in the right frame of mind to be making voices along with Curious George for today, waving your hand as a signal for him to go ahead.

Picking Seul up, Jaehyun angled Seul towards you, and you kissed her forehead with a whisper of goodnight before Jaehyun had begun to walk her to her room, hearing him murmur a “Mummy’s tired, so I’ll read your bedtime story today, hmm?” as he walked further away.

Making your way back to the kitchen, you washed your dishes absently, hoping that would take your mind off the indescribable feeling of heaviness in your heart, though it seemed dishwashing wasn’t enough, because when you were done, all you could bring yourself to do was to head over to the sofa.

Still gripping Jaehyun’s phone in your hand, you sat on the sofa, staring (or glaring) at the paint on the wall as if you weren’t feeling sad enough.

You could faintly hear Jaehyun in your room asking Seul about what animals she saw in the picture, your mind torturing you with the reminder that it was Jaehyun reading to her, and not Donghyuck. Not Donghyuck who was going on a date. Not Donghyuck who decided not to say I love you.

You hadn’t noticed Jaehyun entering the room, the said boy being able to sense that the phone call didn’t go as well when he saw you sitting on the sofa, your tight grip around his phone, your teeth biting on your lower lip and your eyes glazed over.

Hearing him sigh deeply, you turned to meet his gaze, hating the way the sympathy in his gaze had triggered the tears to well up in your eyes again.

But you knew Jaehyun, and Jaehyun knew you. So you were thankful when he’d wordlessly made his way over to where you were, pushing his sleeves up to his elbows as he slumped down onto the sofa next to you, moving his arm to rest the back of his hand on his knee, the silent, Jaehyun way of offering you support.

A small choked sob had left you, your grip loosening around his phone as you took his hand instead, the warmth and the reassuring squeeze he had given it being all you needed to burst into silent tears, your shoulders shaking with how hard you were crying.

That was all you needed for now, or all you allowed yourself to need. Just the feeling of Jaehyun’s thumb caressing the back of your hand, his presence here.

Though you knew deep down that that wasn’t Donghyuck, and it wasn’t the same.

===

If you thought Seul’s first and second year were good already, the first few months of her being three-years-old taught you one very valuable thing the other years hadn’t, and it was that you really had to give yourself some credit for how hard you worked sometimes.

It was by far the worst day you had in a while (which said a lot). You’d had a pretty unpleasant run-in with a diner earlier on in the day when your wrist had given way while you were serving her food, causing your hand to cramp up, sending the plate crashing onto the floor next to her, the abruptness of the accident causing her to knock her drink over, the beverage spilling rather unceremoniously onto her, the booth she was sitting on and leaking onto the floor below her (which you had spent what felt like years cleaning afterwards).

If that wasn’t bad enough, your parents had called you out of nowhere, telling you they weren’t able to watch Seul that night due to a company dinner they had to attend, and it wasn’t as if you could call Jaehyun since he was on his first date in ages and you didn’t want to spoil it for him. And it was certainly no question that it was too last-minute to call for an emergency babysitter that would inevitably burn a hole in your pocket.

Which was what had ended you up with Seul perched on one of the counter seats, busy sorting the m&m's in the bowl in front of her.

You were almost done for the day (you hoped), the store already looking abandoned as ever, everyone seeming to have already returned to their homes. Well, everyone except you and the poor office workers in Donghyuck’s parents’ company who were still slaving away in their cubicles, of course.

It was times like this that you’d felt like your life wasn’t real. As you pushed past the pain in your wrist and the soreness in your back to lift the chairs onto the tables, nudging the bucket and mop out of the supply room with your foot.

“Mummy, your foot will get wet,” you turned to face Seul, not having noticed her eyes on you, observing you and the way your movements seemed lethargic.

You shook your head, giving her the best reassuring smile you could muster, “it’s alright, baby, mummy’s got it.”

Wringing the mop, you were about to start mopping the floor when you figured you’d might as well make this time enjoyable for Seul, feeling as though the sloshing of soapy water in a pail and the mop against the hardwood floor weren’t that enjoyable to listen to.

“You wanna listen to some music, Seul?”

You saw her give you an eager nod, letting go of the mop as you made your way over to her, whipping your phone out and switching to your music app, pressing play on your playlist as she started bouncing lightly to the beat of the song, the sight making you burst into a fit of giggles, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead, encouraging her to dance more.

Going back to your task at hand, you’d worked at getting the floors clean, having to straighten up ever so often because of your back. Anyone who saw you would’ve thought you were years older than you actually were, including Donghyuck.

You’d heard the familiar beat of the song starting, a strange feeling of nostalgia building within you at the sound of Michael Jackson’s voice, your mind beginning to wander to memories of Donghyuck singing this song in your room when the both of you were losing your minds from studying.

You swore you heard the door open as you spoke, “baby, can you skip to the next song?”

Seul’s gasp had triggered a protective response in you, immediately turning around to see her staring curiously at the person that had just entered, following her gaze only to spot the last person you would’ve expected to see here.

“It’s really you,” he mumbled softly, barely audible.

Clad in an expensive suit, thin-rimmed glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, a sleek leather briefcase in his hand, you thought you were dreaming.

You dropped your mop into the mop trolley, your hands unconsciously going to straighten out your apron, your footsteps leading you towards Seul yet not being able to tear your gaze away from him.

“Is that daddy?” Seul turned to you to ask softly, your distraction too prominent to respond to her.

A million thoughts were spinning around in your head. Yes, that was Donghyuck. His hair looked longer. Yes, he looked healthy. And yes, you needed to stop this song before it brought back too many memories for you.

You’d tried to suppress your emotions towards Donghyuck a long while ago, after you figured he’d moved on, but seeing him now, hearing this song, you’d felt like all the feelings you’d tried so hard to keep locked away were threatening to burst at this very moment.

Donghyuck felt the same way as well, though he’d never tried to keep his emotions for you under control. He knew that he couldn’t just let the love he’d felt so strongly go just like that, he had a plan to win you over again.

Which was why even as he stood before you, his gaze unwavering as he noticed your messy hair, your wrist guard, the tired bags under your eyes, even the thread that was unraveling at the sleeve of your shirt.

Donghyuck took it all in, and he knew he loved you still the same, if not, more than before.

One of your hands had gone to touch Seul’s shoulder gently, the other hand slowly inching towards the phone, the song (or the emotions it evoked) beginning to feel louder than ever.

Donghyuck took another step closer to the both of you, his gaze flickering to your hand that was going closer to your phone.

“Don’t skip the song.”

Your breath hitched, your hand almost instinctively drawing back, before you shook your head, turning the music off.

part 2