all at once, the happiness i knew (1)
request: Hi! before i request, i just wanted to say that you’ve literally become one of my fave authors and ive been binging the dnyl series during quarantine. i’d like to request a donghyuck au (or honestly whatever you want to do) thats angsty.
genre: kind of single parent!au??, established relationship!au?( fluff, angst with happy ending, haechan is kind of best boy)
pairing/s: Haechan / Female Reader (ft Jaehyun and Chenle)
word count: 23k+
tw: unplanned pregnancy, might get kind of heavy! but dont worry! bc it ends well!
a/n: hello! this is something a bit different from what i usually do since i dont rly do much angst stuff but i decided to kind of like challenge myself and like do this in my own style? so it might not be like Super angsty for u angst buffs out there but it hurt me HAHA so yes thank you to the anon that requested this and thank you for being patient! i took very long with this i know but yes! enjoy!! ill put a link to the part 2 which is the second half of this au at the end!!
read this on ao3
part 2
donghyuck
7:51pm - where are you now? -
You frowned from where you lay on the bed, casting an apathetic glance at your phone, though the simple text had sent waves of mixed feelings into your heart.
You didn’t want to answer him, in fear that you would grow to miss him even more if you saw him, though when you heard the knock on your bedroom door the next minute, it was safe to say there was no going back.
Shoving your phone into your back pocket, you took a deep breath, exhaling and relaxing your shoulders as you made your way over to open your bedroom door, revealing your boyfriend Donghyuck, an urgency to his gaze as he’d shut the door behind him, wasting no time to pull you into a hug. You heard the telltale sound of the door locking behind him.
Almost instantly, your face had pulled into a frown as you let your head rest against his shoulder, your forehead creasing as you bit your lip, something about the way he sighed into your shoulder making you awfully melancholic.
You’d felt him tilt his head, pressing a long kiss to your cheek, beginning to trail kisses down your neck, a huff of cool air against your neck making shivers run down your spine.
“Why are you here?” You sighed deeply, though you didn’t make any move to push him away when his arms had wrapped around you snugly, his hand going to your back pocket, pulling your phone out smoothly and pulling his lips abruptly from your neck.
“Excuse me, what’s the point of having a phone if you’re not going to reply me?” He sulked, pulling away and quirking an eyebrow at you, holding your phone up in front of you for emphasis.
You sighed, scrunching your nose as you tried to get rid of the heavy feeling within you, your hands finding purchase on his back, wanting to hold him close to you even more now that he was here.
“And, you didn’t really think you could skip my farewell, did you?” Donghyuck scoffed, tossing your phone onto your bed as he returned his hands to your waist, slowly trailing them downwards and tucking them snugly into your back pockets.
“Well, it’s not like it was fun for me,” you huffed, shaking your head at him.
“Everyone was making it seem like you were dying. ‘Oh, Donghyuck we’ll miss you’, ‘oh, Donghyuck you’re gonna be gone for so long!’,” you mimicked, your voice raising in agitation, “you know, one lady even gave me a pity stare. Do you know how pathetic that made me feel?”
It was safe to say Donghyuck didn’t have to ask to know you were feeling (more than a little) down about him leaving, your outburst laying everything out clearly for him.
“I don’t want to go either, you know,” he let out a small sigh, leaning back against the door, pursing his lips, his hand going under your shirt to rub at the skin of your back soothingly.
You nodded, your hands coming up to his shoulders, squeezing gently.
“I know, I'm sorry. I know how important it is, for you to just, you know, see this through… for your future—”
“You mean for my parents,” he corrected, his tone laced with spite.
Shooting him a pointed look, you continued, “hey, you can’t say this isn’t a hell of a good opportunity for you, especially because of the job at their company waiting for you when you come back. The three years will just… zoom past and then you’ll come back as a newly-qualified Donghyuck.”
Donghyuck hoped he was doing a good job to hide the pang of reluctance within him, his gaze momentarily faltering as his insecurity got the better of him, recalling your late night conversations in the past about how difficult a long-distance relationship would be for you.
“You say it like you’re not going to join me over there next year,” he sulked.
And if you wanted to ask him what was wrong, he didn't give you a chance, his expression quickly changing to a smiling one, directing a pointed roll of his eyes towards you, “and mind you, that’ll be Doctor Donghyuck in a few years.”
You ignored the latter statement, focused on the reminder that you had an impending exam in a few months, “yeah, that’s if I even pass my LSAT’s.”
Donghyuck scoffed, taking your hand and leading you towards your bed, laying down and pulling you to lie next to him, “please, we both know you could do it in your sleep with how much you’ve been studying.”
“You’re my smarty-pants girlfriend, remember?”
He turned his head to face you, a soft smile lingering on his face as he brought his hand up to your jaw, using his thumb to caress your cheek gently, something Donghyuck loved to do whenever he saw that you were in need of a little pick-me-up.
You couldn’t help the slight relief his gesture had brought you, the feeling of his hopefulness starting to rub off on you.
This side of Donghyuck, you held close to your heart. The side that was mature, that never failed to reassure you, that was always looking out for you to make sure you were okay. It spoiled you, really.
Keeping your gaze fixated on him, you were desperately trying to memorise the way he was looking at you (though a part of you was still trying to figure out if that was a hint of desire you were detecting in his stare).
“Can you come here and kiss me now? I’ve been waiting all night to finally get some time alone with you,” he pouted, his hand reaching over to tug you closer to him, pressing your lips against his without wasting any more time.
“The guests are still downstairs,” you pulled away just slightly to murmur against his lips, Donghyuck letting out a negative grunt, his hand behind your neck keeping you in place.
“They left,” he pulled away to speak in-between kisses, his hands grasping your arms to pull you on top of him, holding them next to his head with his chest pressing against yours as he continued to kiss you as if his life depended on it.
“I convinced my mom and dad to leave us alone,” he spoke between kisses, his hands going behind your back, “so I could say goodbye," he breathed, "properly.”
You frowned, your hand coming up to gently touch his cheek, his hand that was holding yours moving to slip it under your shirt, tugging it up slowly.
“I don’t like saying goodbye,” you mumbled, momentarily distracted by the way his hand felt against the skin of your back, his hands tracing over the expanse of your torso as if he were trying to commit every dip and curve to your body to his memory.
Donghyuck pulled away from you, looking you dead in the eye, a shit-eating grin on his face.
“What about a ‘see you later’? Is that better?”
You scowled at him, trying hard to maintain your annoyed expression even though it wasn't as if you weren't smiling either, your hand going to the hem of his shirt before you felt him grip your wrist.
You’d leaned away enough for him to tug his shirt over his head, his hair sticking up messily afterwards, Donghyuck not wasting any time as his hands went over to tug your shirt up over your head as well, though you appreciated that he was a lot more gentle as compared to how he’d taken his own shirt off.
Pulling you towards him again, his leg went between yours, parting them so you were straddling him more obviously now, his hand going behind your neck to guide the kiss.
“I love you a lot, you know that, right?” He smiled, pressing a loud obnoxious kiss to your cheek, making you squirm, shyness getting the better of you. The question was simple, yet it managed to set off a giddy feeling within you, having a feeling you knew where he was going with this.
“Will you say it for me?” He teased, making you scrunch your nose up. He knew you felt shy to profess your love for him the way he did, the only time you would get your courage to do so being when he would say it first. Donghyuck knew this.
You covered your face, feeling his lips press light kisses on your shoulder, his other hand rubbing your other shoulder soothingly, as you summoned the courage to murmur an ‘i love you’ that was as firm as you could muster.
Donghyuck grinned, pulling your hands away from your face, “I love you too,” he murmured softly.
“I’m sorry, I know I don’t say it a lot, but I really do mean it,” you told him, your hand coming up to run your fingers through his hair, hearing him let out a soft hum of satisfaction.
“I know, I just can’t help myself,” he smiled, leaning closer to press a small kiss to your nose, “I just find myself always wanting to remind you.”
He turned the both of you over, so you were lying on your back.
“I know it’s not the first time,” Donghyuck murmured, trailing kisses down your neck to press them against your collarbone, a small hum leaving him, “but are you okay with it?” His gaze searched yours with an underlying concern, something in your heart stirring at his consideration.
You nodded, “more than okay,” you laughed, “we’ll be careful.”
Donghyuck smirked, rolling the both of you over as he worked on pressing kisses to your jaw, “I’m always careful.”
===
donghyuck
2:45pm - shit did I hang up-
2:45pm - it was an accident I swear wait hold on ill call u again-
“Hey,” you were greeted with the sight of Donghyuck lying on his bed, his hair messy and looking as though he’d just woken up, one of his hands coming up to rub at his eyes.
“Sorry,” Donghyuck whined, “I think my hand slipped when I was trying to turn down the brightness,” he pouted, making you scoff.
You propped your phone against the stack of books on your table so you could rest your hands (all that studying was really taking a toll on your wrists), glancing back to your screen to observe Donghyuck in his sleepy state
“Did you just wake up?”
Donghyuck nodded, a small sheepish smile on his face, “stayed up last night doing research, didn’t even realise I fell asleep halfway.”
You huffed, about to tease him about it when you’d heard your mom knock on the door, peeking it open slightly.
"Hey, honey, are you really still not hungry?”
You shook your head, turning your head to see her walking towards you, her gaze landing on your phone.
“Is that Donghyuck? Hi, sweetie, how are things over there?” She cooed, a wide smile on her face as she spoke, her other hand rubbing your back soothingly.
“Everything’s fine, thank you for asking,” Donghyuck had almost immediately perked up, trying to maintain (whatever was left of) his presentable image to your mom.
Turning to you, your mom had given you a small frown, Donghyuck long forgotten as she looked at you in concern, “we kept some leftovers from lunch in case you got hungry, do you want me to bring them up for you?”
You couldn’t even think about food at the moment, shaking your head, “sorry, I just… kind of like, my stomach kind of feels weird,” you told her, earning a reluctant nod from your mom.
“Do you want me to make a cup of tea for you?”
You shook your head, “It’s okay, I’ll just drink water,” you assured her, seeing her shoot you one last look of sympathy before bidding you goodbye.
Once the door had clicked shut behind her, you’d turned back to face Donghyuck (who was looking at you with such a deep frown it almost successfully made you feel guilty).
“What?”
“You’re not eating again?”
You scoffed, “what do you mean 'again'?” You couldn’t help but laugh at his accusation, watching him bring a hand up to flick his hair from covering his eyes with an annoyed click of his tongue.
“You know, you always forget to eat when you get really into studying, right?”
You shook your head, “that’s different. Forgetting to eat and not having the appetite are two different things.”
Donghyuck pursed his lips, “you still have to eat, though.”
You nodded, your hand coming to rub over your stomach, sighing as you tried to find a reason for your nausea.
A thought seemed to have struck Donghyuck, a yelp of realisation escaping him.
“Oh, I know. What if it’s because of your period?”
Your eyebrows raised, not having considered that option, picking your phone up with a hum, “that’s true, this does happen sometimes,” you swiped over to see how long more you had till your period, frowning when you saw that it was already late. It was supposed to have happened a week ago.
“Weird,” you murmured, earning a hum from him.
“What’s weird?"
You shook your head in dismissal, swiping back to the video call and letting out a small sigh, “nah, nothing. It’s like a week late. Think it’s the stress from studying,” you shrugged.
Donghyuck didn’t sense anything weird about it, since it wasn’t the first time this happened. The only thing that was bothering him about it now was that he was further away from you. And call it separation anxiety or whatever you wish, but there was a big part of him (maybe all of him if he looked deeper) that longed to be there with you, to take care of you and make sure you were eating your meals or not stressing yourself out too much. But he couldn’t.
So he did what any other boyfriend in his position would’ve done.
“I’ll be checking up on you, okay? I gotta get going soon. Try to eat something, okay?”
You shot him a look, nodding just to patronize him, “yes, mom.” You rolled your eyes with a laugh, making Donghyuck scoff.
“Doctor mom—”
“You’re not even a month into your masters, Hyuck—”
“Love you, bye!”
Now, you were about a little more than a month in of being away from Donghyuck, and though you figured you were managing well, it had seemed that a certain friend of yours had made it their personal responsibility to make sure you were okay during this time.
“What are you doing here?”
You couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Jaehyun at your door on a Saturday morning, something about the sunshine and his soft dimpled smile making you feel as though he really was an angel sent from above.
Holding up a grocery bag next to his head, he shook it at you with a satisfied smile, letting himself in and shutting the door behind him.
"You really didn't have to," you frowned, feeling guilty that you were burdening him into bringing you things to eat (well, not that you weren't thankful of course, you just figured Jaehyun had better things to do than to be your personal food delivery man).
"It was nothing,” he sighed deeply, sarcasm laced in his tone, “just thirty bucks out of the kindness of my heart," he shrugged, swinging the bag over his shoulder with his two fingers.
"I'm sure Hyuck would love hearing that," you scoffed with a laugh, dragging your feet over to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of water.
"Have you eaten?" you asked, hoping he would say no so your mom would stop nagging you about the leftovers sitting in the microwave.
You should've known better, Jaehyun's reply earning a groan from you.
"Nope, I got enough for the both of us."
"How's studying?" he asked, following behind you as you led him to your room, missing the way Jaehyun was tense, his fingers gripping tighter around the bag as you let him into your room.
"Oh, you know, bad,” you let out a deep sigh, “I'm really nervous. I mean, I know it's like next month but a month is really short when you think about it," you shrugged, busy with sweeping your files off of your bed to notice Jaehyun’s clear inattention.
"Uh-huh," Jaehyun set the plastic bag on his lap, helping you to bookmark your pages with whatever he could find on your bed before setting your books on the floor with a loud thud.
“Gentle, please, those textbooks cost a bomb,” you glared at him, seeing him shrug.
You sighed, heaving your books over to set them on your table with a light thud, "anyway, I don't know what you brought but I'm not entirely sure I can eat all of it."
"Uh-huh," Jaehyun glared at your wall, beckoning you over to your bed and tapping the space next to him, "your mom home?"
You shook your head, still oblivious to his behaviour, your hands coming up to wipe your stray hairs from your face, "nope, she and my dad are at work."
"Good," Jaehyun huffed, earning a (rather suspicious) eyebrow raise from you.
"Good? do I need to remind you that i'm studying the law—"
"It's not anything... illegal," Jaehyun lowered his voice to a murmur, not without rolling his eyes for good measure.
“Then why are you whispering?" you teased, lowering your voice as well, your attention diverted when he'd ignored you to pull his takeout box from the plastic bag.
"What did you get for me?" you asked, earning a shrug from him, Jaehyun lifting his chopsticks as a prompt for you to go ahead and see for yourself.
Only upon opening the bag, you frowned only spotting a few packets of gummies and boxes that were definitely not big enough to be a take-out box.
“The heck is this? It’s all gummies,” You frowned, emptying out the bag harshly. Your gaze immediately landed on the label on the boxes staring back at you mockingly.
Jaehyun glanced from the box to you, nodding his head at you as if in a prompt, looking back at his food to scoop another chopstick-full of noodles into his mouth. Sure he was concerned for you, but that didn’t mean he needed to starve to prove it.
“I hope you’re not expecting me to eat a pregnancy kit for lunch.”
Rolling his eyes, he’d snorted, “eat your leftovers in the fridge, idiot, your mom told me—”
“Why’d you even buy these, Jae? You’re wasting your money, I'm not pregnant,” you scoffed, a slight giggle leaving you, especially since it was Jaehyun in front of you, of all people.
Jaehyun shook his head firmly, not seeming to have found the situation as funny as you did, “you can’t be certain.”
“Then what makes you so sure?”
Letting out a deep sigh, Jaehyun was completely undeterred by the way you were smiling at him with your eyebrows raised, noticing the way your hand was gripping one of the pregnancy kits firmly.
“Look, I did a lot of googling when me and my ex were trying for a baby, okay?” He let out a huff of laughter (you could almost detect the bitterness in his tone if you listened hard enough), “the moment you told me about what was going on recently I just felt weird, you know, like something in my gut was just telling me to check.”
You scoffed, confident that Jaehyun had just wasted thirty bucks on the dumb kits for you, “fine, I’ll take them. But don’t come crying to me when your thirty bucks turn out to be totally wasted,” you rolled your eyes, picking up the kits harshly and downing the rest of your water.
Standing up to make your way to your bathroom, you hoped it wasn’t too obvious that you felt weak in the knees, a sick feeling that Jaehyun could be right had lingering uncomfortably in the pit of your stomach. You said your last prayer in desperation as you’d mustered your courage to take the test.
The next 3 minutes had proven to be the most nerve-wracking 3 minutes of your life. You figured even your university finals weren’t as bad as the time you’d spent seated on your bed with Jaehyun glaring at the test.
“Has it been 3 minutes yet?” You sighed, your leg bouncing nervously as you held the test in your hands, too afraid to even look at it. All your confidence from before was long gone, your brain seeming to have formulated all sorts of scenarios that made you feel even more sick, the sight of your textbooks sitting on your desk feeling like an added punch to the gut.
You did the mental calculations in your head, the last time you and Donghyuck had done it would have been at his farewell party, which meant that it wasn’t that unlikely.
But you were safe, weren’t you? Unless there was a malfunction that both you and Donghyuck had missed, of course.
Donghyuck said he was always careful, though, wouldn’t he have checked?
“What are you gonna do if it’s positive?” Jaehyun murmured, his empty food packet long abandoned next to him, his gaze flickering between your face and the test.
“Has it been three minutes yet?” You ignored his question, not because you wanted to, of course, you were just too preoccupied to think about anything other than the impending result.
Jaehyun rolled his eyes, “almost. Answer my question, what are you gonna do if it’s positive?” He rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, fiddling with his silver bracelet anxiously.
Before you could reply, you heard the sound of Jaehyun’s phone alarm ringing, thrusting the test towards him with your eyes screwed shut.
Jaehyun’s eyes widened, taking the test from you as he double checked the box instructions just to be sure (though he knew he’d seen this test too many times for him to read it wrongly). Finally turning to you with an unreadable expression, and maybe even a hint of a smile on his face.
“You’re pregnant.”
You forced your eyes open, your hands immediately flying to cover your stomach, as if not being able to process how there was a growing baby inside of you.
There were various mixed feelings within you, the first being how you were going to tell your parents, or how you were going to tell Donghyuck. There was no way you could go through law school while you were pregnant, not with how you took care of yourself.
Sure you’d graduated from university, but your future plans hadn’t factored in getting pregnant, at least not for the next 5 years until you and Donghyuck would get married (if you were even going to get married now). There were so many things to consider, from finances to living space to how you were going to take care of the baby, all of your worries beginning to swirl around in your head to form a baby-shaped whirlpool of fear in your head.
You just didn’t feel like you were going to be able to do this now.
Almost instantly, you’d felt your eyes well up with tears, a burning sensation in your throat as you fought to blink back your tears, a whimper leaving you at the sight of Jaehyun’s smile, the way he looked at the test feeling strangely comforting.
Sensing your distress, Jaehyun had pulled you into a hug, his hand going to your back to rub it soothingly, “hey, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay, I’m here. I’ll help you, alright?”
“I can’t tell him, Jae—”
Jaehyun pulled away almost instantly, his hands grasping your shoulders firmly as he scowled at you.
“What do you mean you ‘can’t tell him’? You have to tell him, babe, it’s not your secret to keep—”
“—I can’t,” your tone was insistent, “you and I both know what he’s like. The moment he finds out he’s gonna want to drop everything and come back,” you let out a shaky breath, your tears rolling down your cheeks quickly as you felt Jaehyun’s hand come up to wipe them away despite the furrow in his brows.
You continued, “his parents would never let him do that… I can’t let him do that for me.”
Jaehyun huffed through his nose, shoulders slouching, this was not how he’d imagined you to react.
“It’s his baby too, you know,” he finally mustered after a while, making you sigh deeply.
“I know. I just… I need to think of how I’m going to tell him. But before that I have to tell my parents, I need your help for that.”
Nodding, Jaehyun reached over to grasp your hands in his, giving you a resolute nod, biting the inside of his cheek.
“We’ll figure it out,” he sighed, mustering a small smile of reassurance for you, “I know you’re scared shitless now, but I’m gonna figure this out with you, okay?”
Your lower lip quivered, feeling your eyes well up with tears once again, the heat in your eyes returning.
“Thank you so much,” you whispered.
Jaehyun’s smile widened, his thumb rubbing over your cheek soothingly, “like I said, out of the kindness of my heart,” he scoffed.
===
“You haven’t told him yet, have you?”
Your mother’s question had been what sent you reeling for the past 15 minutes.
Your mind had tuned out whatever she and Jaehyun were currently in a heated discussion about, tuned out the way your dad was looking at you with so much unadulterated sympathy you had to avert your gaze to stop your guilt from growing any further, tuned out everything from the way the television was playing an ad about baby formula to the way Jaehyun’s hand resting on your knee had never felt as heavy as it did now.
The only thing on your mind were the 15 unanswered texts from Donghyuck that morning telling you about the cool toy he’d found in his cereal box and some songs he said he thought you would like.
You wished your parents were mad at you, that they were screaming at you and telling you how irresponsible you were instead of giving you the sympathetic looks they were now, these felt a lot worse.
“Hey,” Jaehyun tapped on your knee, your mind registering the feeling yet your body not seeming to be able to move, turning your head to him with a blank expression on your face, you pretended you didn’t hear the sigh leaving your dad’s lips as Jaehyun continued.
“When are you going to tell him?” Jaehyun murmured, the same way you would coax a child into telling you what was making them feel bad, he was treating you like a child. If this wasn’t more reasons for why you were scared you wouldn’t be able to take care of this child adequately, you don’t know what was.
You felt like you couldn’t breathe. Inhaling deeply and wincing at the pain in your chest, your sigh left you in a shaky breath, “I don’t know. I want to tell him tonight when he calls but… I don’t know if I can,” you shook your head, biting down on your lower lip harshly as you felt your eyes brim with tears again, Jaehyun blurring in your vision.
“You have to tell him, honey. He needs to know,” your mom pleaded, reaching a hand over to take yours gently, making your tears brim over quickly, your other hand coming up to wipe at your eyes.
“I know,” you nodded, “I will.”
“Make sure you tell him, alright? This isn’t something you should be doing alone,” your mom’s gaze searched your expression for any kind of acknowledgement, taking the small nod from you to be the best you could muster at the moment.
“I can talk to his parents for you, and I’ll make sure they don’t tell him on your behalf, you just have to focus on telling him personally,” she continued, the insistence in her tone making you nod, pursing your lips unconsciously at the thought of how his parents would deal with the news.
Turning to glance at Jaehyun, she gestured to you with her head, “can I trouble you to stay with her?”
Jaehyun nodded almost immediately, “of course. No, yeah, don’t worry. I’ll stay with her.” he assured her with a nod, patting your knee gently.
“Thank you, darling,” she smiled at him, picking up her thin briefcase from next to her seat after she stood, moving to give you a hug and press a firm kiss to your temple.
“I’ll see you tomorrow morning, alright?”
Nodding dumbly, you watched as your dad had picked up his satchel, following behind your mother after giving you a small kiss on the top of your head, the sound of their bedroom door shutting not long after making you wince, scrunching up your nose with a sniff.
“Why are you crying again?” Jaehyun frowned, bringing one of his hands up to wipe at your tears again, pinching at your nose in his attempt to draw a smile from you.
You let out a small huff, shaking your head in spite of the small smile at your lips from Jaehyun’s action.
“I just don’t want him to be mad at me,” you murmured, earning a grunt of dismay from Jaehyun.
“Mad at you? Donghyuck loves you, and you know that better than anyone,” he huffed in amusement, leaning back in his seat to rest his elbow on the back of the sofa, “the only reason why he’d be mad is if you didn’t tell him.”
You nodded, knowing Jaehyun wasn’t wrong. Donghyuck had never lost his temper at you before, but despite this, you still couldn’t help yourself from feeling anxious at the thought of how he would react to the news.
“He’s gonna call you soon, right?” Jaehyun asked, earning a nod from you.
“Do you want me to be there?” he continued, eyebrows raising expectantly.
You shook your head, “no, it’s fine. I’ll be okay.”
As if you already weren’t nervous enough, it seemed Donghyuck had sensed that something was wrong at your lack of replies, texting you to ask if you were alright, the text glowing brightly on your screen as if it was yelling at you to open it.
Jaehyun glanced at your phone on the table, reading the text and looking back up to gauge your expression, his lips pursing as he stood up with a grunt, “I’ll be in your room. Call him,” he gestured to your phone with a nod, leaving without another word, the fabric of his too-big sweatpants shuffling against the floor as he grew further away.
You knew you shouldn’t waste more time staring at your phone. It wasn’t as if glaring at the texts would answer them for you. Nodding to yourself with all the conviction you could gather within yourself, you swiped to open his chat, typing out a quick reply to his messages.
7:24pm - i’m fine don’t worry. U ready to call? Need to talk to you-
Donghyuck’s reply came almost immediately in the form of an incoming call, the ringing giving you a last attempt at gathering your confidence.
You could just go straight into it, just say ‘i have something to tell you, i’m pregnant’. See? Problem solved, and you didn’t even have to use more than ten words.
You could do this.
“Hey,” you answered the call, coming face to face with the picture of Donghyuck looking fresh out of the shower, a white shirt draped loosely over his form and exposing his collarbones, his damp brown hair hanging messily over his eyes, the cherry on top being the smile of sheer happiness that he was giving you.
You couldn’t do this.
“I was surprised you answered, I thought you would’ve been studying or something,” he giggled, resting his elbow on his desk so he could cover his mouth with the back of his hand, tilting his head at you.
“Oh, no, yeah I just finished studying,” you lied, “thought I’d call you now before I showered so I could continue studying later.”
Donghyuck grit his teeth in feigned menace towards you, scoffing at you, “should’ve known you didn’t just call because you missed me,” he huffed, tilting his jaw at you for emphasis.
You rushed to refute him, “no, no! I really did call you because I needed to talk to you, don’t get me wrong.”
Donghyuck frowned, his eyebrows raising slightly as a slight pout found its way on his lips as his gaze.
“Woah, it’s okay, I was joking…” Donghyuck narrowed his eyes just slightly, the way you were biting on your lower lip making him feel anxious, “are you okay?”
You shook your head in dismissal, mustering a small smile for him, “no, yeah, i’m fine, I swear.”
You were certain you’d messed up, especially with the way Donghyuck’s eyebrows knit in confusion.
“... you said you needed to talk to me, right? Did something happen?”
You froze, your eyebrows raising as your other hand had unconsciously travelled to rest below your stomach. You should say it now, right? When else would you get another chance.
“I saw a really cute baby today,” the lie slipping out in your panic, adding a small giggle in the hopes that he would buy it, and he did, smiling at you expectantly.
“It was really cute, with like, you know, it’s tiny hands and all,” you continued, “I don’t know, when I saw it I just thought I wanted to tell you about it, since it was really cute.”
“Was it a girl or a boy?” It was as if he’d forgotten about his initial worry, too distracted by the story you were trying to tell him.
Your eyebrows raised in surprise, “uh… it was a girl! Yeah, really pretty, with these big round eyes and heart-shaped lips like yours. She reminded me of you,” you smiled, feeling as though your lie was falling into place, especially with the way he cooed at the mental image.
“That’s so cute.”
“It is, right?” you let out another huff of laughter, “kind of made me wish I had kids of my own, you know?” you laughed. You were being so obvious, there was no way he wasn’t getting the hint.
Donghyuck huffed through his nose, a small smile on those very heart-shaped lips you’d described, “yeah. Not now, though. Remember? We promised we wouldn’t until we were all settled down in our jobs,” he reminded you of the very plan you formulated, making your heart sink.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, Donghyuck continued, “I can already imagine it, me working in my parent’s company with a fancy office and you in an even fancier law firm,” he giggled at the mental fantasy, the mention of your career making your stomach churn.
Pausing briefly, it was as if your voice was failing you, finally managing to nod at him after a while, your voice coming out a little more hoarse than you’d expected.
“Yeah—” you cleared your throat, pressing your lips into a tight smile, “—not now.”
“How’s your studying been? Has your stomach been feeling better?” Donghyuck began, making your thoughts immediately break into a swarm of possible replies.
The prospect of law school seemed further away than ever, you’d been studying, of course, just to take your mind off of things, but you didn’t know what you were planning to do at the moment, still cherishing your time on the fence before you would be inevitably pushed (by your parents or more likely Jaehyun) to decide.
“Oh, you know, the usual. But yeah, uh… my stomach’s been feeling a lot better,” you shrugged, Donghyuck sensing you didn’t want to talk about studying.
With no more than an understanding hum at your update, Donghyuck had dived into another discourse about his dorm roommate who seemed to have very different sleeping habits from him, and you let him rant to you for a bit, a part of you knowing that you’d missed your window of time to tell him. It would’ve messed everything up and you couldn’t bear to do that to him now.
You could endure it for just a little longer, you’ll try again tomorrow or something.
“I don’t wanna keep you from studying any longer, I’ve gotta go meet this girl for my project. Call you tomorrow?” his voice had pulled you harshly from your daze, the smile he was giving you unnerving you almost.
“Girl?” you laughed, your mind gladly accepting whatever chance you could get to go off topic. Who knew, maybe if this whole thing doesn’t go to plan that girl he was meeting could mean more than just a project partner to him in time to come, you really couldn’t be too sure.
But like Jaehyun said, Donghyuck loves you.
Rolling his eyes, Donghyuck scoffed at you.
“What? You think you can get rid of me that easily?” his loud laughter made you smile, almost forgetting the situation you were in for a moment, “you’re my one and only smarty-pants girlfriend,” he cooed, puckering his lips at you through the screen, something about his words making a lump form in your throat.
Nodding dumbly at him, your thumb already hovered over the ‘end call’ button, “uh-huh, bye.”
Donghyuck grinned, “I love you,” he sing-songed, bringing a hand up to wave at you.
You mustered the best smile you could give him at the moment, not needing to take a look at yourself to know how pathetic it must’ve looked.
“Yeah, love you,” you murmured, pressing the button immediately after and letting yourself slump down against the sofa cushions, your eyes scrunched tightly shut as you recounted how ‘not as planned’ the phone call had gone.
Though you didn’t have much time to recount the experience, a certain hand on your face startling you out of your self-pity, your hands coming up to grasp Jaehyun’s wrist as you opened your eyes, pulling his hand away to look at him with the expression of a kicked puppy.
Jaehyun snorted, “that was pretty much the most avoidant i’ve ever seen you since you had that crush on Mark in high school—”
“Shut up, I didn’t have a cru—” you stopped yourself short, realising that denying it now wasn’t going to do anything to help your argument, casting him a dismayed frown.
“Were you eavesdropping?”
Jaehyun shrugged, nonchalance dripping from his demeanour as he took a seat next to you, “what happened to your plan?”
You sighed at the feeling of his hands playing with your hair absently, Jaehyun feeling triumphant at the way your shoulders had relaxed.
“I don’t know either. I was ready to tell him, I swear,” you whined, “but the moment I saw him I just… couldn’t.”
“That’s okay, just try again,” Jaehyun prompted, shifting in his seat so his knee was poking you in your side now, using his new position to nudge you more obnoxiously, an amused chuckle escaping him.
“I know… I just need some time.” You gave him a sheepish smile, hearing him sigh. You already saw it coming the moment your words left you, the ‘time is short’ speech your mom had already given you just now.
Jaehyun sighed, “you know you don’t necessarily have the luxury of time right now, right? Your first checkup is next week.”
You rolled your eyes, “I know, I know. I swear, I’ll tell him by then, just… give me some time to figure out how.”
Jaehyun shot you a look, “you better. It’s gonna be hard for me to look at his parents at work with this big ol’ secret in my mouth that could slip out at any given mo—”
“You wouldn’t dare,” you narrowed your eyes at him, watching him mirror your expression before erupting into a fit of giggles, making you laugh as well.
Jaehyun grinned, scrunching his nose, “smile more,” he murmured, shaking his head at you when you rolled your eyes, “it’s good for the baby.”
“You’re excited about this, aren’t you?” you narrowed your eyes at him, shaking your head with a smile when you saw him shrug, mirroring your smile.
“Was it that obvious?” he grinned, making you roll your eyes.
“Too obvious. Wanna crash here for the night?”
Jaehyun nodded with a grin, already leaning over to grab the remote control from your coffee table.
“I was hoping you’d ask, I’m way too tired to drive back now.”
You nodded, leaning over to grab the blanket on the recliner to drape it over the both of you.
This was probably the last bit of sanity you were going to get for a while, so you’d might as well treasure it.
“Sing street?” Jaehyun asked, earning a nod from you.
“Absolutely.”
===
It seemed as though one thing your mom had forgotten to consider was that Donghyuck’s parents were one of a kind, and had ideals that were very different from Donghyuck (and not in a very good way sometimes).
Which was why when you’d opened your front door that Monday morning to see Donghyuck’s dad at the doorstep, your heart sank.
“Uh… my dad’s not home—”
He let out a small huff that you would’ve pinned as amusement if his expression wasn’t so serious, “I didn’t come to see your dad, honey, I was hoping I could have a… chat with you, in fact.”
Your eyes widened, nodding dumbly as you let him into your house, shutting the door behind him as he’d headed over to the living room.
“Uh… can I get you a glass of water?” you asked, already backtracking towards the kitchen, hearing Donghyuck’s dad mumble something about ice.
You took that moment preparing his water as your last opportunity to get breathing space, calming yourself down and trying to mentally prepare yourself for whatever he could possibly throw at you.
Walking back to the living room, you hoped he didn’t see how your hands were trembling as you set the glass of water onto a coaster, taking a seat on the chair next to the sofa, raising your eyebrows expectantly.
“So, Donghyuck doesn’t know i’m here, obviously,” he began, bringing a hand up to loosen his tie, slipping his blazer off of his shoulders and draping it over the back of the couch.
“Yeah,” you let out a huff of nervous laughter, your fingers finding purchase on the blanket next to you, gripping it tightly.
“And I don’t plan on him finding out,” he told you plainly, “look, Y/N, sweetie. I know you’re a smart girl…”
You weren’t sure where he was going with this, the way his gaze seemed so firm almost making you cower in fear. Almost.
“And I know that someone your age has a whole future ahead of them, don’t even get me started on Donghyuck, who has so much potential that just can’t afford to be wasted,” he let out a huff of laughter, “do you understand what i’m saying?”
You tilted your head at him, your eyebrows furrowing just slightly, “yes, I understand, I know this must have come as a shock to you but—”
“I’m glad you understand, because I want you to know that my main priority is to make sure Donghyuck’s future is secured.”
You nodded, “yeah, of course, I totally agree, I want that too,” you told him, nodding vigorously, “really, knowing how far away he is I would do anything I could to make sure he doesn’t have to worry about unnecessary things.”
Donghyuck’s dad seemed to have misread your attempt at reassurance, giving you a firm and decisive nod, “okay, good. Then I guess you wouldn’t mind aborting the baby.”
Your eyes widened, your hand instinctively going to rest below your stomach, something in you feeling as though you’d wanted, no, needed to protect this baby.
You furrowed your eyebrows at him, “but… uh, but my mom told me that you and Aunty would discuss... what you’d wanted to do first.”
His dad nodded, “we have, and that was our decision. Which is why i’m telling you this now, you need to know that this is a very big responsibility that you’re not ready to take on at this age.”
You hated the way he was looking at you, feeling as though he were looming over you like he were chiding a stupid child. Both of which, you were not.
“Yes,” you narrowed your eyes at him, “and I’m sorry to tell you this but that’s not your decision to make. I’m not having an abortion,” you said, your tone firmer than he’d ever heard it, making Donghyuck’s father let out a deep sigh.
“Look, maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough,” he huffed bitterly, “myself and Donghyuck’s mom, we’re willing to cover the expenses. We’re doing this for your own good. You’re not ready for a child,” he told you in a matter-of-fact tone, making your blood boil the more you looked at him.
“With all due… respect,” you’d refrained from scoffing, “money will not be an issue, I’m not taking your money. I don’t want your money. And like I said, I'm not changing my mind, I’m keeping my child.” The words felt foreign on your tongue, as if you were merely reading from a script with how surreal the entire situation felt, but you knew that this was very much real. And this is your child.
Donghyuck’s dad had stood up at that, his fists clenching at his sides as he looked at you with contempt, “you are the one thing that is stopping Donghyuck from having a smooth transition into the company and reaching his full potential, but i’m sure you are already aware of that, right?”
“Alright, then, if you insist on being so stubborn,” his father let out a deep sigh, shaking his head at you, “but I hope you know that Donghyuck is not to be a part of this and that is our final decision. He is not going to risk his future because of your stupid mistake.”
His words had left a deep ache in your heart. You knew what was at stake. Putting your studies on hold was already a bitter pill you had yet to swallow, but Donghyuck’s future too? His father was right, you couldn’t.
Leaving you at a loss for words, you watched as his father had picked up his jacket harshly, not sparing you another look as you watched him storm out of your house, and you wondered how a father and son could be so different.
Upon hearing the door shut, you’d felt the strength in your body start to dissipate, slumping back in your seat as you felt your eyes well up with tears again, your hands coming up to dig your palms into your eyes, as if it would do anything to keep your tears from falling.
You understood what this meant, you didn’t have his parents' support. And it wasn’t as if you were going to depend on your parents for finances for your baby. This was your responsibility that you were willing to bear for as long as Donghyuck was doing his masters, and maybe even longer than that if he doesn’t respond well when you tell him the news.
Shaking your head, you’d reached over for your phone, calling the first person you could think of that would be more than willing to let you (and join you to) vent.
“Jaehyun?” you murmured, sniffling, hearing a confused hum leave him.
“Hey, what’s up? I was just on my way over with food.”
“Come quicker. Your boss just showed up and pissed me off,” you coughed, hearing him gasp (a little too dramatically, you felt).
“Say no more, I’ll be there in 10.”
===
“Mom, it’s alright, I can go on my own, you don’t have to leave work,” you frowned, your grip on your pen tight while you flipped your calendar to check which dates you were available for your appointment, trying to keep your tone controlled as you talked to her.
You didn’t want to burden her. You were already like, what, twenty-two this year? You could take care of yourself (you hoped).
It wasn’t as if your mom had much of a choice, anyway, she had an important meeting that day and Jaehyun had already insisted on going along with you for your first doctor’s appointment.
“I swear, mom, it’s alright. I told you and dad that i’ll be responsible for my own...baby,” the word still felt foreign on your tongue, and you didn’t miss the teasing smirk Jaehyun had given you from where he was lounging on your bed.
Hearing your mom ask you if you were sure for what you assumed was about the hundredth time, you nodded aggressively, wishing she could see you, “yes, i’m absolutely sure.”
Jaehyun snorted, “I’ll make sure to update you, aunty,” he chimed in, and you could already imagine the relief it brought to your mom. Sometimes you figured he was a better son to her than you were a daughter, and he wasn’t even her son.
“Thank you, darling. Make sure you update Donghyuck too, alright?” she reminded, and you hummed a quick acknowledgement before ending the call, hoping Jaehyun wouldn’t sense your panic.
“D’you want me to update him or do you wanna do it?” He asked. You ignored him.
“I think a Sunday should be alright, don’t you think? Do you have anything on that day?” you asked, already beginning to type in the email to the gynaecologist Jaehyun’s mom had recommended, pretending you didn’t feel Jaehyun’s questioning stare on you.
Your leg had begun to bounce at the way Jaehyun wasn’t responding, he was simply lying on your bed and staring at you with a blank expression, sitting up slowly in a criss-cross manner and resting his forearms on his knees.
“How does Sunday sound, Jae?” Again, a long pause.
“You haven’t told him.”
You inhaled deeply, turning to him with your eyebrows raised, “so is Sunday alright?”
“What, so you can have three more days to not tell him?” Jaehyun’s eyes were wide with disbelief, his eyebrows furrowing as he gestured aggressively.
You shook your head, a tired sigh leaving you, “I tried to tell him, okay? I really did. But then I remembered what his dad said and then he started joking and saying shit about how his parents would kill him if he had a kid before he got married and I got scared, okay?”
Jaehyun let his head fall back onto your bed with a loud groan, “you’re making this a lot harder than it has to be.”
You were about to retort, but fumbled to find your words, distracted by the wording of your email.
“And your mom thinks you told him already, which makes this a whole lot more complicated.” Jaehyun reminded you, rolling over to drape his hand over one of your pillows, resting his chin on top of it to give you a pointed stare.
You waved him off, “I’ll tell him before she can, don’t sweat it.”
Jaehyun nodded, giving you a sarcastically sweet smile, “me? I’m definitely not ‘sweating it’ if that’s what you’re thinking. You, on the other hand, should be.”
You ignored his comment, signing off and sending your email to the gynaecologist’s receptionist, turning back to him with a glare.
You could just tell him tonight, no big deal. The doctor would’ve probably replied to your email by then, anyway. By the time you watched a few movies with Jaehyun it would’ve been time for you to call Donghyuck, and you were certain you could (and would) tell him tonight.
Though what you didn’t know, was that a lot of things could happen within the span of a few hours.
One of those things being your dad sending a text to Donghyuck.
y/n’s dad
3:40pm - hey kid, just wanted to check up on u, how have u been? -
Donghyuck had lit up at the text, deflating (only slightly, he swore) when he saw that it wasn’t you but your dad instead, his fingers ceasing their incessant typing on his laptop for him to pick his phone up.
3:41pm - hello!! i’ve been good thank you for asking :) -
Your dad had almost sighed in relief, thankful that Donghyuck had handled the news well, as it seemed from his reply.
y/n’s dad
3:41pm - that’s good to hear -
3:41pm - wanted to make sure u were ok. especially since u and y/n cant be together during this time n with ur parents and all -
Donghyuck couldn’t help but smile at your father’s consideration, his mood lifting after reading the text.
3:42pm -haha we’re doing alright if i may say so myself. you know, just part and parcel of long distance-
y/n’s dad
3:42pm - i hope more of ur positivity rubs off on her! poor girl needs it. -
3:42pm - nonetheless, i send u my congratulations, though i wouldnt have expected to be congratulating u so soon…-
3:42pm - and if u need anything just please feel free to let me or my wife know, alright?-
Donghyuck frowned. Congratulations? He didn’t win anything special the last time he checked. And he sure as hell wasn’t graduating yet, either. What the heck was he congratulating him for? Looking around the café as he tried to think of an answer, his eyes landing on one of his classmates at another table already studying ahead for their next test.
Oh, was that what it was? Y/N must’ve told him about me acing that test from a few days before.
3:43 -haha…. thanks?-
He’d locked his phone, a frown lingering on his features from still finding it weird that your dad would personally congratulate him over something like that, deciding to wave it off and go back to his essay.
Though after many failed attempts of reconstructing the same cursed paragraph, Donghyuck had gotten a text from his roommate Renjun asking if they’d received their online shopping parcels yet.
4:47pm - u know if u wanted them to come earlier you cld’ve ordered them urself -
renjun (roommate)
4:47pm - shut up i already told u i got banned by that seller but their crayons are cheap -
Rolling his eyes, Donghyuck had swiped to his email application, clicking into the first one he saw assuming that it’d been information about the parcel’s progress in delivery.
Except that Donghyuck was pretty sure he didn’t order Renjun’s crayons from a hospital, so he was even more confused as to why the email came from one.
Skimming over the email’s contents, your name in bold standing out to him, the words that Donghyuck couldn’t help from rereading were: ‘your appointment with the doctor has been confirmed for this Sunday.’
Sunday...the last time Donghyuck checked, you don’t go to the doctors for check-ups regularly, something in his gut just finding it weird that you would be suddenly arranging an appointment, and with the gynaecologist, no less. But then, he could’ve just been reading too much into it, right? It could’ve just been a regular checkup.
But maybe he’d just double check. Just to be sure.
Finding that your email was still logged into his computer as one of his inboxes, he’d clicked onto yours, his hands going over to your ‘sent mail’ tab before he could help himself, his curiosity getting the better of him.
“Checkup, checkup,” he mouthed to himself, his gaze urgently skimming over the words of the email.
10 weeks? Donghyuck frowned. 10 weeks since what? Was your period that late? That couldn’t be it. Donghyuck remembered you telling him very clearly that everything had gone back to normal. He continued reading.
Ultrasound.
Donghyuck froze, his imagination immediately wandering to the most extreme possibility. Well, it wasn’t extreme, per se, but Donghyuck wasn’t so sure if he could accept that reality yet.
His head was spinning, wondering if that was what your dad was congratulating him about just now. His mouth felt dry all of a sudden, all that was running through his mind was that he needed to get to you, to hear you tell him the truth, even though he knew that he was willing to accept it either way.
Sliding his things into his bag roughly and stumbling out of his seat, Donghyuck was oblivious to the stares he was getting from the other students trying to study, pulling out his phone and dialling your number as he exited the café, the heat of the late afternoon sun making him wince, yet his feet wouldn’t stop their path towards wherever his subconscious was taking him.
You on the other hand, were dozing off while watching movies with Jaehyun. As much as you would’ve wanted to rewatch Titanic, you’d found yourself extremely comfortable in your bed, dozing off in one of the quieter scenes, well, until Jaehyun had dropped your buzzing phone onto your stomach.
“Boyfriend’s calling,” he yawned, pausing the movie and pushing it off of his lap to roll over onto his stomach, his hands stretching above his head with a tired grunt.
Without a second thought, you’d answered the call, only realising what bad judgement that had been on your part when you heard the urgency in his tone.
“Hello? Y/N?” you heard loud rustling on his side of the line, Donghyuck’s footsteps crunching on the dead leaves harshly as he continued on his determined path across the quad.
“Hey, you okay?” you frowned, wondering if something had happened to warrant such a concerned tone from him.
Donghyuck’s features had softened at the sound of your voice, something in him desperately hoping that you wouldn’t react defensively, especially since he couldn’t be physically there with you. His breath left him almost instantly, feeling as though he were rendered defenceless just by that one statement of yours.
“I… I’m okay? No, I think that’s what I should be asking you, are you free right now to talk?”
You sat up quickly, making Jaehyun stir next to you, casting you a confused frown.
“Yeah, I’m free. What’s up?”
Jaehyun reached a hand over to grasp yours, giving you a reassuring squeeze as you waited through the pause on Donghyuck’s side, the said boy finally finding himself ending up at the rooftop of his dorm building.
“I uh….you know your email is still logged into my computer, right?”
About to shrug, you’d realized the implication of his statement, your heart sinking as your eyes widened.
“Hyuck—”
“And, you know, uh… I was just checking on my roommate's parcel but um, I clicked on the wrong email and like…” you heard him let out a deep sigh, “is everything alright?”
You figured there was no going back now.
“Hyuck, I really was meaning to tell you…”
“Tell me what?” his voice was softer now, more of a daring murmur.
You met Jaehyun’s gaze, drawing whatever confidence you could get from his reassuring nod, “I'm pregnant.”
A long pause ensued, Donghyuck running through his various action plans in his head, surprising himself at how much thought he was putting into his response when he already knew exactly what he’d wanted to do.
“Why’d you wait so long to tell me?” you could practically hear the pout in his voice, your hand gripping onto Jaehyun’s tightly in your anxiousness, ignoring the way he feigned hurt with a pained wince.
“I know... because I know this wasn’t part of our plan and I really didn’t know how your parents were going to react, and the other day when I mentioned kids to you you just seemed like you didn’t want this and—”
“Hey, hey, calm down, it’s alright. Just because I said not now doesn’t mean I don’t want this,” his tone was more hurt now, making your heart stir with guilt, “I’ll book a flight back—”
“No, Hyuck, this is precisely why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you were going to do this,” you cut in quickly, desperation getting the better of you.
“Do what? I’m not just gonna let you go through this alone. I can just take up another course there or just work somewhere else, it doesn’t matter,” Donghyuck frowned, frustrated at your response, at his circumstance.
“You need to focus on your Masters,” you told him, “you can’t just... drop everything and come back.”
“Yes, I can,” Donghyuck stressed.
“No, you can’t. Your parents paid a lot of money for you to do this,” you bit down on your lower lip harshly, feeling the familiar heat in your eyes as Jaehyun had begun to blur before you, “i’ll handle myself, you just focus on your studies.”
Donghyuck scoffed, “money is not more important to me than you, Y/N, you need to understand—”
“Don’t come back,” you cut him off, Jaehyun’s eyes widening at your tone.
Donghyuck grit his teeth, shutting his eyes tightly, his hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose, the breeze and scenery doing jackshit to calm him down.
“This isn’t something you get to decide on your own, it’s just as much my kid as it is yours, you know.”
“I know, but you have to understand too,” you begged, your thoughts wandering to how angry his parents would be at the both of you, and especially him if they found out. You couldn’t do that to their relationship (it was already bad enough), or to him.
“You need to stay there, and finish your studies.”
“What about your studies, then, huh?” he scoffed, “it’s not fair that you have to sacrifice your studies just so I can fuck around here while you take care of our baby there alone,” he pleaded, resting a forearm against the railing as his other hand came up to cover his mouth, the tears of frustration in his eyes stinging painfully. Donghyuck couldn’t remember the last time he cried, but he knew it was never this painful.
“I’m not stopping completely, i’ll just put it on hold. I have to focus on taking care of the baby.”
“Say it, Y/N. Stop saying ‘the baby’, it’s our baby,” he told you, fishing out whatever desperate attempts he could think of to appeal to your sympathy, to the part of you that he knew wanted him to come back as much as he did.
You ignored him.
“And I know for myself that i’m not going to be able to do that if i’m in law school,” you sighed, “I can manage on my own, Hyuck. I’ll be okay here, my parents and Jaehyun will help me—”
“It’s not the same and you know it,” Donghyuck’s fist gripped tightly around his phone, kicking at the wall in his frustration. Jaehyun? Why should he let Jaehyun take on the responsibility?
“I’m coming back, Y/N,” he spoke through gritted teeth, his tone more insistent than before.
“You,” you pulled your phone away as a whimper escaped you, Jaehyun frowning at the sight of your quivering lips, already attempting to reach over to take the phone from you.
Shaking your head at him, you brought the phone back to your ear, “if you come back, I will not speak to you, I swear. Whatever… this is, between us... it’ll be over,” you felt your tears spill over, your hand coming up to cover your mouth as your shoulders shook. That would’ve done it right?
Donghyuck frowned, feeling hurt by your words even though something in him knew they couldn’t possibly have come from you, “why are you saying this?”
It’s for his own good, you repeated in your head, figuring you were making it easier for his parents to carry out whatever 5-year plan they’d formulated for him. It wasn’t the first time they’d done this, anyway.
You wanted him here more than anything, of course. You just hoped he would understand.
‘Whatever this is?’ Donghyuck repeated your words in his head.
“It’s my parents, isn’t it? They must’ve said something to you,” Donghyuck tried again.
He didn’t buy it, any of it. He was angry at his parents, for making him come out here to study just so he could hold a position in their stupid company. He was angry because he knew how they felt towards you, and he couldn’t imagine what they could’ve said to hurt you while he was away. He was angry because he knew that he had to listen to you if he wanted to ensure that his job would be good enough to support you and your child. He was angry that the situation had rendered him helpless beyond words.
He was angry at himself, he wasn’t careful enough.
You still didn’t respond to him, proving Donghyuck’s suspicions further, making his frown deepen, not bothering to blink back his tears anymore as he’d just stared at the way everything around him was blurry, a part of him not wanting to see it now.
“So, it’s not enough that my parents are making decisions for me, but now… you are too?” he’d choked out, struggling to speak through the suffocating lump in his throat, wincing at the feeling.
You frowned, you knew that was a sensitive topic for him, remembering your countless talks even when the both of you had started dating about how his parents had wanted control over every aspect of his life. Even you, as it was being seen in how they handled this situation. But you figured they were right in some aspect, Donghyuck was rash, and impulsive, and you needed to give him time to mull over his thoughts before he made any irresponsible decisions. And that was all that mattered to you.
“Yes.”
===
“Hey,” you heard his voice before you saw him, the video on your screen showing Donghyuck seated at some sort of outdoor area, and before you could ask, he’d switched the camera around to show you how there was a small lake there that was shining with purple and pink hues as the sun was setting.
“I’m sorry,” he began, “for not calling for so long.”
You shook your head, shifting in your bed so you were lying on your side now, looking at him through the screen. You really, really wished he was here with you now, not just temporarily.
You had a bad sleep the previous night, your back aching from work and causing you to toss and turn the whole night in search of a comfortable sleeping position. But the irony of it all was that throughout the night, you’d always wished that when you turned, Donghyuck would be next to you in your bed, doing what he always did and pulling you into his arms, the silent reassurance that you would be alright.
But of course, that didn’t happen, and you knew that as you stared at him through the screen.
“It’s fine… I know you needed some time.”
Donghyuck gulped, letting out a sigh, trying his best to hold back his multitude of questions he really wanted to ask you.
“How are you feeling?” Start simple, Donghyuck.
You pressed your lips together tightly, your gaze wandering elsewhere to land on the paint chips on the floor next to you. You should really get a new bedside table.
“M’okay,” you shrugged after a while, realising you were taking too long to reply when he cleared his throat.
Donghyuck stared at the screen blankly, “you look tired.”
You looked tired, sure, but you sure didn’t look as bad as he did, dark circles under his eyes and an unmistakable sadness to his gaze.
Not being able to find it in himself to stop his question from slipping, Donghyuck sighed, “you really don’t miss me? Like, at all?”
You hadn’t expected the question, frowning slightly. This was Donghyuck trying to convince you.
“Don’t ask me stupid questions.”
Donghyuck rolled his eyes, “you’re not fooling me with that, you know,” his jaw locked as he frowned.
“Whatever, you know that’s not the point. You have to focus on your studies now. Worrying about whether I miss you shouldn’t be your priority.”
Donghyuck felt his frustration slowly turning to resignation, pulling to his mind all his last attempts at convincing you to tell him how you truly felt.
“You don’t want me there? Can you honestly say that you don’t wish that I was there with you, to take care of you and to go through this together with you?”
You tried your best to harden your gaze, “this shouldn’t be your priority right now.” you repeated, not missing the way his lips had parted.
“Listen to me, Donghyuck.”
There it was, you hadn’t called him that in ages.
“You have to stay there, focus on your studies-”
Donghyuck let out something between an angry hum and a grunt, looking more than a little upset.
“-make your parents happy. Don’t let me or your parents down.”
He grunted again, letting out one last sigh, a silence falling between the both of you.
“How long are you gonna keep pretending you can handle all of this alone?”
You frowned at his words.
“I’m not pretending. You being here is just gonna complicate things,” you tried to reason, making his frown deepen.
Donghyuck frowned, “Complicate what? I love you. We’re supposed to go through these things together. I’m no expert, but I would say I as the father deserve to be a part of their life as much as you do.”
This made you think of his parents, how selfish they were for depriving him of this, and how selfish you were to be going along with it.
The line between doing things for the greater good and unreasonable sacrifice had begun to blur considerably in your head.
“You do,” you sighed, not being able to come up with a better response.
You’d heard your bedroom door open, the sound of Jaehyun’s laughter as he told you to get out of bed making Donghyuck frown, his insecurities getting the better of him.
“So you’re fine with accepting help from Jaehyun, but suddenly it’s the end of the world if i’m the one offering it?”
You scoffed, finding his argument turning petty, “that’s different, Hyuck. Jaehyun has nothing to do with this, he’s been helping me through this. He’s been nothing but good to me,” you defended Jaehyun, not knowing that your words had only put a sour taste on Donghyuck’s tongue, the annoyance at his parents bubbling out and being directed towards you.
“Yeah,” he let out a bitter huff of laughter, “and I've been nothing but bad, right?”
You hated the silence that fell between you after that, Jaehyun freezing in place when he realised what he’d accidentally intruded in on.
You let out a sigh finally.
“I don’t wanna fight with you,” you sighed, watching Donghyuck’s hand move up to grip at his hair, letting it go with a sigh.
Donghyuck nodded, a small sigh leaving him, “me neither.”
“I just need you to promise me that you’ll do what you have to do.” You let go of your blanket that you only noticed you were gripping now, bringing your hand up to touch your ear, fidgeting as you averted your gaze from Donghyuck’s.
“Okay,” he murmured, “I love you.”
You sighed, mustering a small smile for him and nodding.
He’d let you hang up the call first.
Donghyuck hadn’t visited after that. He couldn’t. He knew that visiting would mean confrontation from his parents, from your parents, from his and your friends, from Jaehyun, but it wasn’t as if he was scared of that, no.
The thing he feared most about visiting was seeing you. How he knew that once he saw you there would’ve been no going back for him. But he never would’ve had the guts to do that and risk your relationship.
He was going to listen to you, and push through the next three years away from you so he could go back and see you and your baby. That was the least he could do for you, so he was going to do it.
===
“You’re kidding me, right?” Jaehyun raised an eyebrow at you from where he sat on the other side of the bar.
“What’s there to kid about?” you shrugged, leaning back where you stood so your co-worker could walk past you, your belly taking up more space in the walkway than you never could’ve imagined it would.
“You can’t possibly work here forever, aren’t you looking for jobs?”
“Easy for you to say,” you huffed, walking around the counter and taking a seat next to Jaehyun, your co-worker bringing over some food for the both of you, “I would need actual qualifications to get a job.”
“Uh-huh, you talk like you don’t already have a degree.” Jaehyun sighed, sounding exasperated with you as he took another sip of his beer, setting it down on the counter a little too strongly, his abrupt gesture almost knocking his briefcase off of the table.
“Just because I somehow managed to graduate during this mess doesn’t mean that that guarantees me a place in law school, you know,” your gaze was pointed, seeing Jaehyun wave you off with his hand holding his fork.
“Even if it’s not law, you should still find another job. Fine, screw law, let’s say, i’m talking about something that’ll support you and baby better,” he persuaded.
You wondered momentarily if his insistence came from something (or someone) else, but you pushed the thought away as quickly as it came. You haven’t had an actual conversation with Donghyuck in months, aside from updating him on doctors appointments. It was like neither of you could bring yourselves to go further than that.
“Give it up, Jae. You think I haven’t tried? The moment I come into the interview and they see… this,” you gestured to your belly, “they change. No one wants to accept me now. They know that the moment I come in, I’ll be out just as quickly for maternity leave, why would there be any reason to hire me?”
“Because of your qualifications…?” he supplied with a sheepish grin, making you shoot him a glare.
Jaehyun stared at you blankly, letting out a final sigh, picking his utensils up to cut half of his burger to put on your plate, scooping some of your pasta onto his.
“Fine, but you have to promise me you won’t stop trying, okay? It’s not as if you can’t still try for the LSATs this year,”
You nodded, waving him off as you tried to straighten up in your seat, wincing at the dull ache in your shoulders. Jaehyun’s next statement made you freeze in place.
“He’s not gonna be happy if he saw you like this.”
Your lack of a response had only made him shake his head as you chewed on your pasta wordlessly.
“You still haven’t spoken to him?”
You shrugged.
“It’s a yes or no question, babe. Your baby’s gonna be due in like what, two weeks? And you still insist on being stubborn?”
“I’m not the stubborn one, his parents are.”
“Then why are you taking it out on him?” Jaehyun laughed, looking at you incredulously, making you huff.
“I just don’t like calling him these days, okay? I don’t know if it’s the hormones or whatever but I literally can’t bring myself to call him, every time we call it just ends up in some petty fight that I just don’t feel like dealing with, okay? I’m stressed enough as it is.”
You knew it was a pathetic excuse, and Jaehyun made it very obvious that he thought so too, snorting as he picked up a fry with his fingers, tossing it into his mouth, “bullshit, stop being a coward and call him. For all you know he’s too chicken to make the first move either.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes it is,” Jaehyun stuck his tongue out at you, “here, I’ll give you an example. You guys still need to decide on a baby name, right? Why not just use that as a reason to call him?”
You huffed, mulling over his words as you leant back in your seat, your hand rubbing your belly absently. You didn’t notice the way people were staring as they walked past you and Jaehyun, murmuring and whispering among themselves as they pointed at the both of you, only to look away when Jaehyun directed a protective glare towards them.
“Okay, fine, I’ll call him,” you said, more to yourself than to him.
The phone call was awkward, to say the least, as if the both of you had forgotten how to talk to each other. You didn’t miss the preoccupied glaze to Donghyuck’s gaze, the way he would sigh ever so often even if the both of you weren’t talking about anything.
“Are you feeling alright?” you dared to ask him, and once again, Donghyuck felt himself soften at your words, looking at you blankly before nodding belatedly.
“My parents uh… kind of told me about their whole plan the other day,” he told you, looking at you as if for some sort of acknowledgement.
“Uh-huh,” you prompted, shifting in your seat and holding your phone lower momentarily, Donghyuck almost losing his train of thought at the sight of how big your belly had grown.
“They kind of uh… they have a plan to open a new sub of the company in town,” he began, “and they want me to be the managing director of that branch or some shit,” he explained, making you nod slowly.
You felt the awkwardness starting to dissipate, especially with the way he’d started looking into the camera more.
“That’s great, isn’t it?” you raised your eyebrows in surprise, unsure why he looked so unenthusiastic about the news.
“No, yeah, it is I guess. Just… kind of means I don’t really have a choice.”
You nodded, “you’re gonna do great,” you assured him.
Donghyuck sighed, “let’s not… talk about them, hmm? What did you say just now? Baby names?”
You nodded, seeing him give you a small smile, letting out a sheepish giggle, “believe it or not, I actually… had a few in mind.”
“Me too,” you chimed in, and he’d lifted a hand to prompt you to say your suggestions first, rolling over in your bed and resting your phone on your pillow, your hands moving to fiddle with the plaster on your hand.
Donghyuck couldn’t help but stare at you in awe as you went off on your ramble on the baby name suggestions, a part of you growing embarrassed at your reason for selection being that you thought it sounded nicer with Donghyuck’s surname.
“I love you,” he murmured suddenly, catching you off guard, especially with the lazy smile he gave you as he said it, shifting his head on his pillow.
Your eyes widened, responding with your first thought in your flustered state.
“Were you even listening to me?”
Donghyuck huffed, rolling his eyes at you though his soft smile didn’t leave him, his eyes blinking slowly, “I like Seul, let’s go with that.”
You frowned, “really? But you haven’t even said your suggestions yet.”
Donghyuck shook his head, “don’t need to. I like your suggestions.”
You flushed at his forwardness, thankful for the first good conversation you’d had in a while with him.
“Okay, we’ll go with Seul, then.”
This side of Donghyuck, you were thankful to see again, and you thought just for a moment that this would be when everything started to settle down.
===
And so it seemed, he tried his best to be there with you during the birth of the baby, bugging Jaehyun for updates even though he knew he had a million other assignments he was busy with.
He would try to call you once a week, to see Seul and to play with her for a while, which you were thankful for, but it seemed that the more time passed, the more reality had started to sink in, no matter how much you tried to avoid it, especially in situations like these.
You’d just finished attending a church service, thankful that Seul was well-behaved during the service. Jaehyun had offered to carry her as the three of you made your way out of the chapel, eager to avoid the disapproving stares and questions from Donghyuck’s parents and their army of supporters.
Though it seemed that you weren’t so lucky this week, bumping into one of your friends from university as you were nearing Jaehyun’s car.
“Y/N?” you heard them ask, feeling a hand on your shoulder as you turned to face them, a smile (that may have teetered on the edge of being forced) on your face as you greeted her.
“Hey,” you let out a nervous laugh, ignoring the way Jaehyun had stood behind her with a questioning stare on his face, bouncing Seul on his hip as she giggled and tried to grab his necklace.
“How’ve you been? Haven’t seen you in a while,” she told you, fishing her sunglasses out of her bag and perching them on her forehead, her long, salon-pressed hair flowing over her shoulders, you couldn’t help but let your gaze travel down to her outfit as you tried to form a response in your head.
She looked beautiful, in her figure-hugging dress and finely manicured nails to the pretty bag hanging from her arm. You were almost envious, and Jaehyun could tell.
“Oh, nothing, just… uh, the usual,” you laughed it off, “what about you?”
You tried not to wallow in your self-pity as you glanced at your own getup, the baby bag hanging from your shoulder and a loose plain dress on you, it was a wonder how that difference alone had made you seem years older than her.
“Remember I told you I was gonna take some time off to figure out what I really wanted and all, so eventually I decided on law school! Funny, right? I actually received my admission letter this morning! What about you? You’re in law school too, right?”
As if Seul’s timing couldn’t have been any worse, you heard the telltale sound of her repetitive cries, Jaehyun quickly identifying the cry and making his way closer to you, not caring about interrupting your conversation.
“She’s hungry, gimme the bottle,” you’d opened your bag quickly, fishing out Seul’s milk bottle and handing it to Jaehyun, the action drawing your friend’s attention towards Jaehyun.
Her eyes widened, “oh! Who’s this?” her gaze flickered between Jaehyun and the baby.
“Oh, this is just uh, Jaehyun, my friend,” you gestured to him, “Jaehyun this is my classmate from university, Abby.”
“What about this cute little baby, is she yours?” she asked Jaehyun, making Jaehyun glance at you to search your gaze, a silent plea urging you to step in before he could explain on your behalf.
“Oh, uh.. No, actually, this is my daughter,” you refrained from wincing as you told her, trying to ignore the way the rest of the church-goers walking past the three of you were staring.
Her eyes had widened, her lips parting in shock, and you didn’t miss the way her eyes had immediately darted to yours and Jaehyun’s hands, as if checking for wedding rings.
She fumbled for a response, “oh, uh… wow! That’s um—”
Jaehyun rolled his eyes, shooting her a sweet smile, “yeah, we should get going, nice meeting you,” he spoke quickly, already beginning to lead you away with a hand on the small of your back guiding you after you took Seul from him.
“That was rude, we didn’t finish our conversation,” you sighed, making Jaehyun scoff.
“That was more of a train-wreck than a conversation. You mean you wanted to prolong that?” he looked at you with a mix of amusement, disbelief and annoyance, shutting the car door for you once you were seated, walking around the car to sit himself in the driver’s seat.
You frowned, hearing him turn on the engine before he turned to face you, looking at Seul with a soft smile.
“Still, it’s been a while since i’ve spoken with her, okay?” you supplied, earning a snort from Jaehyun.
“Okay, fine. I’ll finish up the conversation for you, ‘oh, you have a child? But you’re not married! Golly gee that’s against the lord’s teachings!’” he began, raising his voice as he imitated her, and then proceeding to do an awfully accurate rendition of your voice, “‘oh yeah, that’s cause my boyfriend knocked me up and his psycho parents won’t let him come back to be with me’, ‘oh, really? That’s horrible!’—”
“Alright, fine, I get it,” you rolled your eyes at him, not being able to help the laugh that escaped you, “also, ‘golly gee’?” you grinned, making Jaehyun let out an amused huff, shaking his head at you.
“I said what I said,” he shrugged, “anyway, don’t think I didn’t hear what she said just now—”
“Eavesdropping as usual,” you sighed.
“—does Donghyuck know you didn’t take the LSATs?”
Your thumb that was caressing Seul’s arm had ceased its ministrations, making Jaehyun let out a groan.
“You can’t be serious.”
“First of all, I genuinely forgot to tell him. And second of all, he never asked!” you defended, making Seul’s eyes light up at your animation, her hand gripping onto the neckline of your shirt-dress.
“That’s not how these things work, babe. Don’t you think he would’ve assumed you would’ve picked up where you left off? And that you wouldn’t just be working at a diner instead?”
You inhaled deeply, Seul having finished her bottle of milk and deciding she was ready for a nap, and you leaned over carefully to cap the bottle and toss it into the bag, shrugging once you were seated upright, making Seul comfortable as she nuzzled into your chest.
“I doubt he’d assume that,” you yawned, making Jaehyun scoff.
“You clearly have high expectations of your boyfriend. He’s gonna ask you about it at one point, you know, he keeps up to date with the application periods.”
You nodded, falling silent and knowing Jaehyun was right, feeling the car start to move, “I’ll drop you off at home and then i’ll go and get some things to cook lunch.”
“At this rate, you’d might as well be my nanny.”
Jaehyun hummed, “pay me and i’ll consider it.”
===
Jaehyun was right, Donghyuck was going to ask you about it at some point, you just didn’t know that point was going to arrive so soon.
“Hey, am I calling at a bad time?” Donghyuck asked upon you answering the call, his eyes wide and hesitant, making you shake your head.
“Seul’s asleep right now, unfortunately, but i’m alright to talk if you want.”
Donghyuck smiled, nodding, “I heard from one of my friends that they’d gotten their acceptance letter this morning, did you get yours yet?”
Your eyes widened at how fast he’d gotten to the point, feeling as though you were about to be sick as you shook your head slowly.
“No, uh… I didn’t,” you said, a pang of guilt spreading within you as you saw the way he frowned, his lower lip jutting out in a pout of pure confusion.
“Really? That’s weird, I figured yours would have arrived by now since you applied earlier than them, right?”
You didn’t want to keep lying to him, feeling as though you could already picture Jaehyun’s disapproving gaze as you inhaled deeply, mustering whatever courage you had left in you.
“No, it didn’t arrive because, uh,” you sniffed, scrunching your nose up just to stall, “I didn’t apply.”
Donghyuck frowned, his expression changing as his eyebrows raised, “you… huh?”
You nodded, “I didn’t apply.”
Donghyuck was trying to pull his thoughts together, not quite being able to comprehend your decision, especially when you were so insistent on pursuing law just months before.
“Well, why not?”
“I uh… I don’t know, I guess I just kind of decided that that wasn’t what I wanted to do anymore.”
Donghyuck’s frown deepened, feeling strangely hurt by the news.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
You shrugged, “It just didn’t really cross my mind, I guess. I was just so busy with everything else that I kind of just… forgot.”
Donghyuck huffed, though there was no trace of amusement behind his demeanour, “you forgot to tell me about something as big as a career change?”
You opened your mouth to respond, a weak excuse leaving your lips, “well, yeah, I mean I guess it just didn’t seem that important—”
“Are you hearing yourself? Y/N, we used to tell each other everything,” he let out a small sigh, “why do you keep hiding things from me?”
You frowned, “it wasn’t intentional.”
“Was it? You knew for a fact that I would want to hear these things, even from the news that you were pregnant, it’s like you just don’t feel the need to inform me about things—”
“Yeah but that’s because this decision was mine to make,” you tried to defend yourself, Donghyuck’s pent up frustration getting the better of him as he scoffed.
“Was it really? I know you, Y/N, and I know it would’ve taken a lot for you to make that decision, but seriously? To keep something like that from me? What was so bad about me finding out?”
You sighed, “I didn’t want to worry you, Hyuck.”
“How can you think that way? How many times do I need to remind you that I love you and that won’t change based on what career you decide to pursue,” his voice sounded strained, but there was something in his expression that looked almost angry.
“Then why are you getting mad at me for not applying? You know it would have happened sooner or later.”
“No, Y/N, that’s the thing, I didn’t know that this was going to happen. And I’m not… mad at you I'm just frustrated, okay?” he sighed, “I just… don’t like how different things have been between us ever since I left.”
You took your lower lip between your teeth as he spoke, “frustrated?” you cursed yourself for that being the only word that had left you, seeing him let out a deep breath you hadn’t known he was holding.
“Yes, I'm frustrated. Do you know how shitty it feels? Knowing that you went through all of that and i’m not even allowed to come back and be with you? Be with Seul?” he licked his lips, continuing on his outburst, ”how stressful it is thinking about what’s waiting for me at the company when I come back? And all of this while you’re just over there refusing anything that I can offer to you?”
Donghyuck wanted to cry out, to tell you just how alone he felt, but his emotions seemed to have manifested in the form of finding more reasons to justify the sour feeling within him. Everything except the actual underlying reason, which was that he missed you more than anything.
“You won’t even let me send you money! What the hell am I supposed to do? Just sit here and be the selfish, piece-of-shit parent that’s desperate for your attention?”
You shook your head, the way the hurt was so obvious in his voice making a feeling of a suffocating sadness grow within you, “no, I didn’t tell you things that I felt would just cause you unnecessary worry, you already had enough on your plate! I didn’t want to make you feel worse.” You knew explaining your excuses now would’ve been useless, but you tried nonetheless.
Donghyuck scoffed, “well, it’s a little late for that, right?”
“Don’t say that, Hyuck.”
“Why not? It’s the truth. If anything, Jaehyun’s doing more for you as a friend than I am as your boyfriend, and as a father, and that sucks the most. You don’t notice it, but I feel it, okay? It’s like you don’t even want me there anymore.”
Donghyuck was hurt, and you could tell, but that didn’t mean you weren’t either. You were tired of fighting with him, especially because you knew the real reason why you were always fighting.
You always did tell him you didn’t believe in long distance relationships.
“I can’t deal with this now,” you told him, “I’m sorry. I really am. I know things are hard for you there but trying to manage Seul and look for jobs is hard enough, I don’t need you coming at me for not living up to what you expect of me too.” You sighed, your annoyance getting the better of you, knowing you were both too caught up in your emotions at this point to know better, Donghyuck’s gaze hardening.
“What do you suppose we do then?” he asked you calmly, making you shrug.
“Maybe it’s best if we just stop… doing things.”
Donghyuck’s eyebrows furrowed, “what do you mean by that?”
“I mean,” you sighed, “we’re both not in the right… place right now, you have your worries, I have mine. I don’t want us to just keep taking it out on each other, you know?” you told him, a certain resignation to your tone.
He paused, as if processing what you’d said, and you watched intently. The way his eyebrows had knit into a frown, the way he chewed on his lower lip as he thought, until he’d finally released his lip, his eyes glazing over in realisation.
“You wanna break up.”
You pursed your lips, nodding, “I think it’s only right for us at this point of time. Haven’t you realised? All we ever do lately is fight, when half the time the person we’re mad at isn’t even each other. I don’t like feeling like I have to walk on eggshells just to have a normal call with you, do you get where i’m coming from?”
Donghyuck had fallen silent, all he could bring himself to do was to nod. If this was what you wanted, who was he to force you to stay?
“Okay.”
You nodded, “you can call for Seul whenever, just let me know beforehand…I just need some time, okay?” you dared yourself to look at the screen, his expression hadn’t changed, it was still the same glazed-over one from before.
“Okay,” he repeated, making you sigh.
“Bye, Hyuck.”
His gaze had flickered to look at the screen upon hearing that, his tongue coming out to lick his lips, pressing them into a firm line, nodding, his voice coming out as barely a whisper as he let out a small ‘love you’, hanging up promptly after.
===
“Baby, would you look at that? It’s your dad!” you tried to keep your tone excited as you showed her your phone, a part of you softening when you saw the way she’d lit up with excitement at the sight of Donghyuck on the phone.
You watched the way she’d giggled and tried to reach out for the screen as Donghyuck played with her, his unintelligible noises seeming to excite her. You brushed her hair back, the act of simply watching the way her gummy smile grew and the fullness of her cheeks when she smiled being enough to put a smile on your face.
The phone call had gone fairly smoothly, though you were hoping they would wrap it up soon so you could head off to work. Yes, you worked on weekends too, because that meant more money.
They found you to be a pretty good employee, in fact, mentioning that they were awarding promotions soon and you seemed to be a pretty good candidate with your consistency and work ethic.
Jaehyun always commented that it was a wonder how you’d managed to get so invested in working at the diner.
Once you heard him tell her he had to go soon, you’d switched the camera back to face you, momentarily distracted when Jaehyun had entered the room, making a beeline for Seul with a loud chime of “seul-ie!” leaving his lips, the said girl giggling wildly at the sight of him.
“So uh… how are you?” you’d almost missed the question, looking at the screen blankly for lack of a response.
“I have to go, I’ve got work,” you told him quickly, making his eyes widen, nodding quickly.
“Right, sorry… shouldn’t keep you, then. Bye,” he pressed his lips in a thin line, earning a nod from you.
“Yeah, bye.”
You ended the call promptly, not hearing if he’d said anything else before you hung up, as if a part of you was afraid to hear him say he loved you.
Standing up to pick up your bag, you made eye contact with Jaehyun who was looking at you with a displeased expression.
“What?” you scoffed.
“That was heartbreaking,” Jaehyun shook his head, a deep sigh leaving him.
He continued, “I still can’t believe you, I said ‘have a good chat with him’, not break up with him while I go get groceries,” he sighed deeply, making you roll your eyes.
“Yeah, save the lecture for later, i’m late for work.”
“I’ll give you a ride,” he told you, moving to get up and pick Seul up in his arms naturally, cooing at her, “Seul-ie, let’s go on a car ride!”
Strapping Seul into her carseat, you’d let Jaehyun give you a ride to the diner, mentally preparing yourself for the full day of work that awaited you.
“Pick you up when you’re done?” Jaehyun asked, earning a nod from you, already beginning to unbuckle your seatbelt.
“Thanks for looking after Seul, by the way, I know you’re busy—”
“Seriously, it’s nothing,” Jaehyun dismissed you quickly, “it’s more for me than for her,” he joked, making you roll your eyes.
“Don’t steal my daughter,” you warned, though there was no menace behind your tone. You leaned over to press a kiss to Seul’s head, bidding her goodbye before you straightened up.
“Yeah, yeah, I won’t,” Jaehyun waved you off, “have a good day.”
While you worked, you tried to ignore the way the majority of the people that dined in were office workers, most (if not all) you recognised thanks to how small this town was. You thought you were doing a pretty good job at hiding your discomfort, though, plastering on a smile as you served them as you swallowed down the thoughts their stares had planted within you.
You’d even had a run-in with the same woman who gave you that stare of pity at Donghyuck’s farewell party, though if anything, the pity in her stare was heightened, and you didn’t miss the way she’d pretended to be shocked that you were working here (you knew she was pretending, it wasn’t the first time she was here since you started working here).
Thankfully, your lunch break had arrived quickly, as you seated yourself in the kitchen to eat your lunch in peace without all the prying eyes on you.
The first year of Seul’s life was good, because in that year, you’d made a new friend.
“Can I join you?” your head snapped up mid-bite of your food, spotting the new hire, a young boy that went by the name of Chenle.
“Go ahead,” you gestured a hand for him to take a seat, startling slightly from the sheer force he’d sat with, whipping out a package of food you recognised to be from the fast food joint down the street.
“Heard this place is hiring,” you teased, gesturing to his food, “i’m sure they’d be glad to hire such a loyal fan like you,” you told him, earning a scoff from him.
“No thanks, I like the diner better. Feels more cozy,” he shrugged, taking a shockingly big bite out of his burger, staring at you intently as he did so.
You couldn’t help but laugh, his expression serving to be quite amusing, especially with the way he seemed too deep in thought to bother noticing how half of his burger’s contents were spilling out.
“Yes?” you prompted, quirking an eyebrow at him in confusion.
“Doesn’t it bother you?” he swallowed his mouthful of food, looking at you curiously, his head tilting.
“Doesn’t what bother me?” you asked, taking another bite of your sandwich.
Chenle’s gaze darted to the door of the kitchen, glancing at the walls before looking back at you, shrugging, “you know, the rumours about you?”
You shook your head, leaning forward so you could hear him better amidst the chaos in the kitchen, “what kind of rumours?”
Chenle scrunched his nose up in distaste, taking another bite out of his taco, “you really haven’t heard any of them?”
You shook your head again, making Chenle’s frown deepen.
“Well, now I don’t feel like telling you, some of them are pretty harsh.”
You rolled your eyes, a huff of laughter leaving you, “I think i’ve heard worse, c’mon, hit me.”
Chenle pressed his lips together tightly, chewing on his mouthful of food slowly, “well, what i’ve heard was that you were with that guy, right? The son of that couple that owns that gadget company?”
You nodded, “that’s true so far,” you laughed, prompting him to continue with a nod.
“Well, yeah, so they say you cheated on him with your friend Jaehyun? And then you got pregnant, and then you’ve been getting money from the son… “ Chenle frowned, “but then I always thought that seemed a little strange, because if you were getting money from him, you wouldn’t have to work here as much as you do…right?”
You snorted, “At least you got the first part right,” you told him.
“I was dating their son,” you explained, “and it’s his baby, by the way. Not Jaehyun’s. God, no.”
“But uh.. I’ve just been spending more time with Jaehyun since Donghyuck’s overseas doing his masters, you know… long distance and all,” you shrugged, setting your plate aside, “and you’re right, I’m not taking money from him. Just… didn’t feel right I guess. And plus, his parents would kill me if they found out the money they wire to him is just going to me instead.”
Chenle nodded, “can I be honest?” though he hadn’t waited for your response to continue, “his parents don’t seem like very nice people.”
You huffed, “I guess you wouldn’t be entirely wrong,” you hummed, “they just… care a lot about their company.”
“Figured,” Chenle pursed his lips, looking up at you as if in realisation, “so you’re taking care of your kid alone?”
You weren’t sure whether to nod or shake your head, letting out a long hum, “I wouldn’t say alone exactly. I mean, I have Jaehyun and my parents, they help me look after her during weekends and like sometimes during evenings.”
Chenle sighed softly, nodding, “I really… respect you for that.” He looked down at his watch, running his thumb over the smartwatch with an emotion that seemed almost akin to guilt
“Thank you,” you murmured, “I'm really not doing that much.”
Shaking his head, Chenle had dismissed your humility, “that’s bullshit, parenting isn’t easy,” he gave you a small smile, “but uh, if you don’t mind me asking, how do you deal with the long distance?”
Your eyes widened at his question, your hand fiddling with the hem of your apron, “we broke up, quite recently actually.”
Chenle’s lips parted in shock at that, his hand freezing around his watch,“oh… sorry.”
Dismissing him with a wave, “it’s fine, I figured it was what we needed at the time, since we were both stressed out and it just didn’t feel right to just take it out on each other all the time… but he still calls regularly to see Seul, of course.”
Chenle hummed, the sour expression still lingering on his features, you couldn’t help but notice the way he’d been staring at your food, a part of you thinking you knew the reason behind his staring.
“Do you want some?” you offered.
Chenle’s reaction was almost immediate, perking up in his seat as he was already holding his burger closer to you, “can I?”
You nodded, holding a hand out, “we can do a trade.”
Watching curiously as he took your lunchbox eagerly from you, scooping a mouthful of the dishes into his mouth, sighing in contentment.
As if realising what he’d done, Chenle looked sheepish, trying to slow down his pace in eating your food.
“I’m guessing it’s been a while since you had home-cooked food?” you asked, something about the gentleness of your tone making Chenle relax, turning to you to nod, his cheeks still full of food.
Swallowing it down, he’d opened his mouth to speak, “yeah… didn’t realise how much I missed it. You know, the restaurants here don’t serve food like this,” he murmured, gesturing to your lunchbox in his lap.
You hummed in understanding, “I’m actually learning how to make more dishes these days, so these are kind of the leftovers from my tries… if you want I can pack some for you too, you know,” you proposed, trying to sound casual so your proposal wouldn’t burden him.
Chenle looked at you with an unreadable emotion behind his gaze, nodding at you with a small smile on his face, the shyness he exuded a contrast from the explosive demeanour of his that you were more used to seeing.
“I would really like that,” he told you, though his gaze had shifted to the lunchbox in his lap, his lower lip jutting out slightly in a small pout, looking strangely glum all of a sudden.
Nudging him, you’d let out a small giggle, “hey, why do you look so sad? Sorry, I’m probably oversharing, right?”
His eyes had met yours, shaking his head, “nah, just… people are too mean to you… you don’t deserve it.” he murmured.
“It’s really fine, they can say what they want, my daughter’s the best thing that happened to me.”
Chenle perked up at that, the smile returning to his face, “what’s her name?”
You weren’t sure why you were so comfortable around Chenle. Maybe it was because of how he was so helpful to you in work after he started working at the diner, or maybe it was because of the way he was one of the few people that didn’t greet you with shocked stares or murmured about you when they thought you weren’t looking. Whatever it was, you were thankful for it.
“Seul,” you smiled, “she’s turning 1 soon, next week, do you wanna come for the celebration? It won’t be anything super extravagant, of course.”
“Can I get her a gift?” his eyebrows raised, nodding eagerly at you, making you narrow your eyes at him.
“You can… but nothing too expensive, okay?” you warned, seeing his expression change to a sheepish one, his hand coming up next to his face and giving you a firm nod.
“I’ll make sure of it, scout’s honour.”
It was pretty clear after that that Chenle did not honour any scouts code whatsoever when he’d arrived at your house on Seul’s birthday with a non-wrapped (unless you count the plastic covering and the bright red ribbon on top as wrapping) stroller and a bright grin on his face.
“I told you not to get anything expensive! This must’ve cost more than a month’s pay,” you said with a gasp, running your fingers over the handle as you admired how sleek it looked. You never would’ve imagined strollers could look so good, and it wasn’t just any kind of stroller, it was those fancy dutch ones you always saw in the catalogues that would move with the push of a finger and weighed like a feather.
Chenle had strolled over to where you were, carrying Seul on his hip as he gave you an unapologetic shrug.
“If it makes you feel any better, it’s a present from both my mom and I?” he offered, making you shake your head at him, though you couldn’t help but smile.
Jaehyun marvelled at the stroller with you, flashing a dimpled grin at Chenle, “I can’t believe it even has cup holders,” he sighed wistfully, making you scoff.
Your mom was thanking Chenle profusely, the 20 year old dismissing her thanks quickly, assuring her that it was ‘nothing’. If over a thousand dollars on a stroller was just nothing.
Your dad suggested bringing out the cake now, so you’d paused your conversation to prepare the cake, pressing the candle into it gently and lighting it, trying to endure the soreness in your shoulders as you brought it outside to the living room where everyone else was.
Jaehyun had called Donghyuck, letting him join in on the birthday celebration as you all sang a song for her, and you tried not to get distracted at the way Donghyuck’s voice had stuck out from the rest.
Cutting a small piece of the cake (you figured it wasn’t much of a cake, it was banana bread, really, since you felt like it wasn’t probably the best idea to stuff her full of icing at this stage) for Seul, you’d taken a seat on the sofa next to Chenle, your mom smiling and cooing at Seul as she fed her.
“I really owe you for this,” you told Chenle.
Chenle gave you a small smile, “you really don’t, I saw how jacked up the old stroller you had was, figured you could use a new one.”
Jaehyun nodded with wholehearted agreement, “he’s right, you could barely close the old one, and the wheels were falling apart.”
You shot him a pointed look, “it was your stroller!”
“My cousin’s to be exact, I don’t claim it,” Jaehyun shrugged, “but that doesn’t matter anymore because you have a sick stroller now!” he added quickly with a grin.
You glanced over at your mom, seeing that she was currently talking to Donghyuck on the phone as she held Seul in her lap, making you slightly curious as to what they were so intently conversing about, your mom letting out understanding murmurs and hums of surprise ever so often.
As if your staring had been felt by your mom, she’d turned to face you, her eyebrows raised in a silent question of whether you’d wanted to talk to him, earning a shake of the head from you. Your mom had only sighed at that, shaking her head at you as she handed the phone to your dad.
“She’s still mad at me for breaking up with him.”
Jaehyun snorted, “yeah, I completely get where she’s coming from.”
You ignored him, your gaze fixed on your dad who was currently talking to him through the phone, trying to decipher whatever your dad was mumbling about to him, Jaehyun’s voice distracting you.
“You’re so obvious,” Jaehyun snickered, making you huff.
“Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jaehyun raised his eyebrows at you, a hint of a smirk playing at his lips, “what? I was just saying you were being so obvious that you wanted to hold Seul,” he defended, making your mouth shut quickly.
Only then did he snicker, “See? I knew it. You’re not looking at Seul as much as you’re looking at Seul’s dad.”
Chenle’s eyebrows raised at that, leaning closer to Jaehyun to get a peek at the phone your mom was holding, “is that him?”
You nodded, looking down at your plate with what you hoped was an air of nonchalance.
“Thoughts?” Jaehyun prompted Chenle, holding his plastic fork out in a makeshift microphone.
You couldn’t help yourself from glancing at Chenle, curious to hear his thoughts, somehow feeling as though he would give you an unusual perspective from what people usually thought about Donghyuck, hearing the sound of Donghyuck laughing in the background.
“Well,” he hummed, “he does seem a whole lot nicer than his parents.”
===
Seul’s second year was even better. It surprised you, really, how quick she’d been to pick up words and repeat after the things she heard even though she’d just turned 2 not long ago. She’d begun to address you and Donghyuck as mummy and daddy, and recently begun to call Jaehyun ‘Uncle Jojo’ instead of just ‘jojo’.
You’d just gone to pick Seul up from her childcare centre, almost running late because you’d missed the bus. Nearing the location, you could already see the many children walking out with their parents, holding different crafts in their hands as they told their parents about their day.
Entering the childcare, you’d almost instantly spotted Seul, her brightly coloured hair band setting her apart from the rest of the kids while waiting for you.
Her shoes were already on, holding a big yellow paper plate with yellow and orange pipe cleaners sticking out from the edges.
Lighting up upon seeing you, she greeted you with a wide grin, as you made your way past the other parents and children over to her to give her a hug.
“Hey, baby,” you nuzzled your nose in her cheek, making her erupt into giggles, waving her artwork around. You recognised the woman approaching the both of you to be her teacher, who gave you a friendly smile.
“Hi, dear, how’ve you been?” You understood the premise of her question, since it had been your parents picking her up the past few days since they were on leave, but you appreciated her concern nonetheless.
“I’m alright, thank you for asking. Just a little busy, is all,” you shrugged, your hand unconsciously coming up to the back of Seul’s head, caressing her skin there gently.
“Special occasion?” you asked, glancing around and noticing almost all the children had different crafts and cards with them, earning a nod from Seul’s teacher.
“Yeah, it’s fathers’ day today, so we had them make crafts, but this little one,” she’d reached over to boop Seul’s nose, the toddler scrunching her nose up in response, “insisted on making an extra sun,” she told you, Seul turning to you to nod vigorously.
“For daddy,” she told you, her smile seeming awfully shy, which had only endeared you more.
About to ask her teacher about what else they did, you heard one of the parents from Seul’s class make a snarky remark.
“What’s all the fuss for if she’s not even going to see her father?”
You’d forgotten what you’d wanted to say to Seul’s teacher, your jaw tightening at that parent’s words, Seul’s teacher casting you a sympathetic glance.
“Don’t mind them, i’m sure Seul’s father will love it.”
You stared at her blankly, nodding, trying to regain your composure. Thanking her quickly, you were eager to leave, buckling Seul into her stroller and leaving the childcare. A sour feeling lingered within you as you wondered if these parents would tell their kids about Seul’s situation, wondering if any of her friends had asked her about her father.
“We can call daddy later, okay?” you told her, peeping over the stroller at her and smiling at the way she’d nodded eagerly.
You could tell she looked forward to seeing him, even if it was through a screen, and you could understand why, Donghyuck was ever-so-doting and loving when he spoke to her. For that, you were thankful.
Taking your time to walk (the muscles in your shoulders throbbed as you pushed the stroller) you’d gotten a text from Jaehyun, pulling your phone out once you were walking through the park to check it
Jaehyun
5:47pm - might get off work a little later, can i join for dessert?-
You almost sighed at the thought of dessert, it’d been a while since you’d had the energy to even think about dessert once you were done for the day, but if Jaehyun was offering, how could you refuse?
5:50pm -only if it’s from that bakery near the diner-
Jaehyun’s reply came quickly.
Jaehyun
5:50pm - of course-
5:50pm - who do you think i am a savage?-
Seul was busy swinging her legs and scrutinising her ‘sun’ intently, smiling and waving the artwork at the strangers who you’d walked past, reminding you of how she’d definitely resembled Donghyuck in that aspect.
Thankful that you’d gotten her home before she grew too restless, you guided her to the bathroom.
“It’s shower time, Seul!” You cheered, her footsteps quickening to the bathroom at your announcement, already grasping at her uniform as a signal that she’d wanted it off.
You’d helped her out of her clothes, showering her and washing her hair as best as you could, hearing her telling you about what she did in school while you did so.
By the time you were done, it’d looked as though you’d taken a shower as well, your shirt and shorts wet from Seul grasping at your shirt and trying to hide her face from the water whenever you pointed the shower-head at her hair.
After which, you’d gotten her changed into her pyjamas, letting her play with the toys Jaehyun had gotten her for her birthday that she’d been really into these days, using that small window of time to prepare dinner for her.
Almost done with preparing dinner, you’d quickened your pace as much as the recipe would allow, using your sleeve to dab at the perspiration on your temples, not finding it in you to care about how you may have looked, your main priority being to see through Seul’s dinner and let her have her phone call with Donghyuck.
Bringing the food over to the dining table, you’d gone to get Seul from the living room, heaving her up and setting her in her high-chair, the said girl already eyeing her food determinedly.
You’d focused on feeding her first, frankly not having the appetite but knowing you had to eat nonetheless, your food sitting untouched next to your elbow resting on the table.
“Mummy eat,” Seul had pulled you away from mixing her food to point at your plate, making you huff with a small smile.
“Uh-huh, mummy will eat, don’t worry.”
Your response didn’t seem to have cut it for her, her doe eyes narrowing and her eyebrows lowering into a frown, “eat together,” she wagged her finger at you for emphasis.
Nodding at her, you’d turned to scoop a small spoonful of food into your mouth, looking at her with wide eyes, seeing her break into a grin, nodding at you.
“Good job, mummy.”
You laughed, setting your spoon down to brush a hand through her hair, “I should be mothering you, not the other way around,” you sighed softly.
Almost done with her food, you’d heard a knock at the door, the sound of the key being shoved into the lock before you heard the door open.
“Seul-ie! Uncle Jojo is here to see you,” Jaehyun’s voice echoed from the threshold, and soon enough you could put a face to the voice as he strolled into the kitchen, a paper bag dangling from his forefingers as he held his arms wide.
Seul had only mirrored the gesture, welcoming him into a hug as he pressed a loud kiss to her cheek, sighing as he pulled away.
“She smells so clean,” he gave you a pout, making you roll your eyes.
“Yes, because I literally just showered her,” you huffed, scooping the last few bits of her food and feeding it to her, Jaehyun moving past you to set the paper bag on the countertop, opening the fridge to set the cakes inside.
After Seul was done eating, her attention seemed to have been directed towards Jaehyun, her hands reaching out to pat and pinch at his cheeks.
“Aw, are you giving me a blush, Seul-ie?” he murmured, glancing over at you.
“Is that all you’re eating?” he frowned.
“Yeah, i’m not that hungry, I had a full lunch,” you explained. Courtesy of Chenle, of course, who insisted on you trying the new steak restaurant that had opened nearby the diner.
Nodding, he narrowed his eyes at you, his hands coming up to grab Seul’s hands from his face, waving them around as she giggled.
“But you’re still up for dessert?”
You scoffed, “of course.”
Almost done with your meal, you furrowed your eyebrows, thinking about what else you had left to do after this, as if going through a mental checklist in your head to see if you’d forgotten anything.
Well you’d showered her, that’s done. And fed her, done too. Bedtime stories can wait till later, all you needed was to call Donghyuck and then get her to bed then you could have a good shower and call it a day too.
“You look tired,” he hummed, making you sigh.
You shook your head at him in reassurance, “it’s fine, i’m alright.”
You didn’t know it, of course, but Jaehyun didn’t have to ask you twice to know you were lying. He’d almost wanted to laugh; he was sure if he asked you the same questions during your university finals you would’ve complained to no end. But it seemed as though you’d been trying to keep up your strong demeanour for Seul’s sake, (and your own sake too, he figured).
Jaehyun dismissed you with a wave, “it’s fine, I can call Donghyuck for you, you can go and take a shower.”
Narrowing your eyes at him, you saw him already getting up from his seat, and you’d put the dishes in the sink for you to wash later on.
Jaehyun picked Seul up with ease, making whooshing noises as he pretended to fly her to the living room.
While you showered, Jaehyun had removed his suit jacket, draping it over the back of the sofa and removing his tie, releasing the top button of his shirt with a tired sigh, “we’re gonna call daddy now, Seul-ie! Gonna wish daddy a happy fathers day!” he reminded her, something in his words making her perk up, running off to her room only to return with the paper plate sun she’d made in class.
“Ready,” she announced, standing next to where Jaehyun sat on your sofa with his legs crossed, making him lean over to scoop her up and seat her on his lap, his arms going around her so she could see what he was doing on his phone, her hand going to touch his wrist as he swiped through his phone.
Soon enough, she’d let out a squeal as the phone started to ring, tapping at the screen as if it would make Donghyuck appear. And surely enough, he did, appearing on the screen with his hood up over his head and his hair a fluffy mess on his head.
Donghyuck hoped his shock wasn’t as apparent at the sight of Jaehyun behind Seul instead of you, “hey, sweetie,” he drawled, flashing her a bright smile.
Jaehyun leaned over to whisper a reminder into Seul’s ear, “say happy fathers’ day, Seul-ie,” he tapped on her elbow, making her eyes widen, a giggle escaping her as she waved her sun excitedly, covering her face on accident as she wished him a happy fathers’ day.
“What’s that, Seul? Is that for me?”
She nodded vigorously, “It’s a sun! For you,” she grinned, setting it aside once she assumed she was done showing him his gift, making Jaehyun laugh.
“It’s like she’s got an agenda,” Jaehyun remarked, making Donghyuck let out a huff of laughter as well.
“Where’s um…” he trailed off, trying to be nonchalant, though Jaehyun was quick to realise what Donghyuck was asking for.
“She’s in the shower. Why? D’you wanna talk to her?”
Donghyuck hummed, taking his lower lip between his teeth in thought, mustering the courage to continue, “will she want to?”
There was a certain hopefulness in his tone that made Jaehyun hope you would say yes, “well, I can try asking her for you when she gets out.”
Donghyuck nodded, “yeah, thanks.”
It seemed that even though this was supposed to be Seul’s phone call with Donghyuck, it had ended up being Jaehyun’s, since Seul had gotten distracted halfway, deciding that playing with her Uncle jojo’s hair was more important than entertaining her dad’s questions.
“How’ve things been over there?” Jaehyun asked, earning a shrug from Donghyuck, his lips pursing.
“I’m finishing my course soon, but I uh… it’s kind of what I wanted to talk to Y/N about.”
Jaehyun’s eyebrows raised, jerking back slightly when Seul had suddenly thrown her arms around his neck, the force knocking the wind out of Jaehyun momentarily. Regaining his composure, he’d frowned at Donghyuck, a part of him growing nervous at what Donghyuck could have meant by that.
“Did something happen?”
Donghyuck inhaled deeply, tilting his head with a high pitched hum leaving him, “I guess you could say that.”
Jaehyun was about to prod further, hearing you making your way out into the living room, your hair damp and the sound of the velcro strap of your wrist guard being fastened as you walked towards Jaehyun.
Turning his head to look at you, Jaehyun called out, “hey, uh, Hyuck says he needs to talk to you about something.”
Your eyes widened, mouthing to him, “do you know what it is?”
Jaehyun shook his head, making you inhale deeply, letting out your breath in a sigh as you kept your expression neutral, nodding at him and holding your hand out.
“Yeah, alright, hand me the phone.”
Taking the phone from him, you’d kept your gaze firm as you stared at the screen, walking over to the kitchen for more privacy.
“What did you wanna talk to me about?” You asked. Your immediate thought being that he was about to tell you something regarding his return in October, which wasn’t that far from now. However, the question he’d greeted you with had caught you off guard.
“How’ve you been?” he asked, his tone gentle and his eyebrows lifted slightly in question.
You had to stop yourself from thinking there was any subtext behind his question, choosing to answer it for what it asked.
“Good,” you mumbled, your attention momentarily diverted to the incoming work email Jaehyun was getting.
“Oh, good,” he echoed, nodding slowly, making you raise an eyebrow expectantly.
“Is that all you wanted to ask me?”
Donghyuck was quick to shake his head, a string of rushed ‘no’s leaving his lips, “no, uh,” he gulped, “I actually wanted to tell you that my uh… I need to get a little like… work experience over here before I come back.”
You nodded, not finding that to be anything out of the ordinary, “oh, so you’ll stay there a little longer?”
He nodded.
“How long?”
Donghyuck pressed his lips into a firm line, releasing them with a hum, “one more year.”
You were shocked to say the least, even if your face didn’t show it. Seul was already 2, you didn’t want him to miss out on more of her big milestones.
“Oh,” you managed to utter after a while, not even realising you hadn’t given him an answer, “alright, then.”
Donghyuck’s lips parted in shock, “you’re not upset?”
You shook your head. You really weren’t. You were tired, of course, but you knew that this was all part of his parent’s plan for him to have a smooth transition into the company. And since you’d already made it this far, you were ready to accept whatever other surprises they could possibly throw at you.
“Nope,” you popped the ‘p’, your tongue coming out to wet your lips.
Donghyuck hadn’t expected you to react so calmly. In fact, a part of him kind of wished you didn’t. He’d wanted any sign that you missed him, even the slightest disappointment from you, just so he knew that he wasn’t the only one desperate to get back to you.
“Is that all?” you asked him, seeing his lips part and close back again, shaking his head.
“I have a date,” he blurted out, “with this girl,” he added purposefully.
You wouldn’t have believed yourself if you said it’d already been over 2 years since you’d seen Donghyuck face-to-face, his words bringing you back to those moments he would tease you for getting jealous.
There was no date. Donghyuck spoke as if he didn’t just tell Renjun to pass on the message to the girl in his Art History module that he was very uninterested and a father.
Donghyuck was waiting, waiting for you to come out with the wide eyed expression of surprise, the questioning mutter of ‘girl?’ that would usually leave your lips whenever he mentioned things like these to you. You know, his usual roundabout way of getting information from you.
“Cool,” was your response instead, rendering him the wide-eyed one.
“Yeah… she’s from my class… really nice,” he continued, “pretty too. She’s a year older than me.”
You pressed your lips together in a firm line, nodding at him, “that’s great?” you let out a small huff of laughter, though a part of you was annoyed, unsure why he thought to tell you this.
You thought you’d agreed on taking a break until everything settled down, but you forgot to factor in how dating other people would’ve been seen as an option.
“You don’t mind me meeting up with her?” he prompted again.
“We’re not—” you stopped yourself, not wanting to raise your voice, your exasperation getting the better of you, “we’re not together, Donghyuck. You can meet whoever you want.”
There it was again, the pointed way you would say his name, that decisive statement that confirmed Donghyuck’s suspicions that he was still hanging on to you when you weren’t.
Your words left a sour taste on your tongue, worsening with the way Donghyuck had responded so quickly.
“Alright. That’s perfect, then,” he looked as if he was waiting for you to say something, your silence making him let out a resigned sigh, “I gotta go now,” he told you, as if you’d just finished a casual conversation, like nothing was out of the ordinary.
You nodded, finding yourself reluctant to end the call even though there shouldn’t have been anything keeping you from doing so. Maybe you were waiting, waiting for him to end the call like how he always did, but maybe you were expecting too much.
“Tell Seul I love her,” he added as an afterthought, leaving you with no other response than to nod.
You’d wanted to tell him he could just tell her himself, but you didn’t think you had it in you to prolong your conversation any longer, ending the call abruptly and setting Jaehyun’s phone down in your lap.
Your hand that was resting on the dining table had gone to cover your mouth, the simple action triggering tears to form in your eyes, your chest beginning to feel tight and heavy.
But you couldn’t dwell on that now, Seul still needed to be put to bed.
Wiping harshly at your tears that were threatening to spill from your eyes, you let out a shaky breath, a small whimper leaving you, gripping Jaehyun’s phone tightly in your hand before making your way back to the living room, seeing Seul lying on the sofa with her head on Jaehyun’s lap, listening to him talking about something you didn’t have the energy to eavesdrop on.
“Ready to go to bed, baby?” you asked, seeing her head perk up slowly, the way her movements seemed to be almost in slow-motion giving away that she was more than a little sleepy.
Jaehyun turned to look over his shoulder at you, stretching his hands out over his head with a loud yawn, “I can do it, if you want.”
You were about to shake your head, but you figured you weren’t in the right frame of mind to be making voices along with Curious George for today, waving your hand as a signal for him to go ahead.
Picking Seul up, Jaehyun angled Seul towards you, and you kissed her forehead with a whisper of goodnight before Jaehyun had begun to walk her to her room, hearing him murmur a “Mummy’s tired, so I’ll read your bedtime story today, hmm?” as he walked further away.
Making your way back to the kitchen, you washed your dishes absently, hoping that would take your mind off the indescribable feeling of heaviness in your heart, though it seemed dishwashing wasn’t enough, because when you were done, all you could bring yourself to do was to head over to the sofa.
Still gripping Jaehyun’s phone in your hand, you sat on the sofa, staring (or glaring) at the paint on the wall as if you weren’t feeling sad enough.
You could faintly hear Jaehyun in your room asking Seul about what animals she saw in the picture, your mind torturing you with the reminder that it was Jaehyun reading to her, and not Donghyuck. Not Donghyuck who was going on a date. Not Donghyuck who decided not to say I love you.
You hadn’t noticed Jaehyun entering the room, the said boy being able to sense that the phone call didn’t go as well when he saw you sitting on the sofa, your tight grip around his phone, your teeth biting on your lower lip and your eyes glazed over.
Hearing him sigh deeply, you turned to meet his gaze, hating the way the sympathy in his gaze had triggered the tears to well up in your eyes again.
But you knew Jaehyun, and Jaehyun knew you. So you were thankful when he’d wordlessly made his way over to where you were, pushing his sleeves up to his elbows as he slumped down onto the sofa next to you, moving his arm to rest the back of his hand on his knee, the silent, Jaehyun way of offering you support.
A small choked sob had left you, your grip loosening around his phone as you took his hand instead, the warmth and the reassuring squeeze he had given it being all you needed to burst into silent tears, your shoulders shaking with how hard you were crying.
That was all you needed for now, or all you allowed yourself to need. Just the feeling of Jaehyun’s thumb caressing the back of your hand, his presence here.
Though you knew deep down that that wasn’t Donghyuck, and it wasn’t the same.
===
If you thought Seul’s first and second year were good already, the first few months of her being three-years-old taught you one very valuable thing the other years hadn’t, and it was that you really had to give yourself some credit for how hard you worked sometimes.
It was by far the worst day you had in a while (which said a lot). You’d had a pretty unpleasant run-in with a diner earlier on in the day when your wrist had given way while you were serving her food, causing your hand to cramp up, sending the plate crashing onto the floor next to her, the abruptness of the accident causing her to knock her drink over, the beverage spilling rather unceremoniously onto her, the booth she was sitting on and leaking onto the floor below her (which you had spent what felt like years cleaning afterwards).
If that wasn’t bad enough, your parents had called you out of nowhere, telling you they weren’t able to watch Seul that night due to a company dinner they had to attend, and it wasn’t as if you could call Jaehyun since he was on his first date in ages and you didn’t want to spoil it for him. And it was certainly no question that it was too last-minute to call for an emergency babysitter that would inevitably burn a hole in your pocket.
Which was what had ended you up with Seul perched on one of the counter seats, busy sorting the m&m's in the bowl in front of her.
You were almost done for the day (you hoped), the store already looking abandoned as ever, everyone seeming to have already returned to their homes. Well, everyone except you and the poor office workers in Donghyuck’s parents’ company who were still slaving away in their cubicles, of course.
It was times like this that you’d felt like your life wasn’t real. As you pushed past the pain in your wrist and the soreness in your back to lift the chairs onto the tables, nudging the bucket and mop out of the supply room with your foot.
“Mummy, your foot will get wet,” you turned to face Seul, not having noticed her eyes on you, observing you and the way your movements seemed lethargic.
You shook your head, giving her the best reassuring smile you could muster, “it’s alright, baby, mummy’s got it.”
Wringing the mop, you were about to start mopping the floor when you figured you’d might as well make this time enjoyable for Seul, feeling as though the sloshing of soapy water in a pail and the mop against the hardwood floor weren’t that enjoyable to listen to.
“You wanna listen to some music, Seul?”
You saw her give you an eager nod, letting go of the mop as you made your way over to her, whipping your phone out and switching to your music app, pressing play on your playlist as she started bouncing lightly to the beat of the song, the sight making you burst into a fit of giggles, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead, encouraging her to dance more.
Going back to your task at hand, you’d worked at getting the floors clean, having to straighten up ever so often because of your back. Anyone who saw you would’ve thought you were years older than you actually were, including Donghyuck.
You’d heard the familiar beat of the song starting, a strange feeling of nostalgia building within you at the sound of Michael Jackson’s voice, your mind beginning to wander to memories of Donghyuck singing this song in your room when the both of you were losing your minds from studying.
You swore you heard the door open as you spoke, “baby, can you skip to the next song?”
Seul’s gasp had triggered a protective response in you, immediately turning around to see her staring curiously at the person that had just entered, following her gaze only to spot the last person you would’ve expected to see here.
“It’s really you,” he mumbled softly, barely audible.
Clad in an expensive suit, thin-rimmed glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, a sleek leather briefcase in his hand, you thought you were dreaming.
You dropped your mop into the mop trolley, your hands unconsciously going to straighten out your apron, your footsteps leading you towards Seul yet not being able to tear your gaze away from him.
“Is that daddy?” Seul turned to you to ask softly, your distraction too prominent to respond to her.
A million thoughts were spinning around in your head. Yes, that was Donghyuck. His hair looked longer. Yes, he looked healthy. And yes, you needed to stop this song before it brought back too many memories for you.
You’d tried to suppress your emotions towards Donghyuck a long while ago, after you figured he’d moved on, but seeing him now, hearing this song, you’d felt like all the feelings you’d tried so hard to keep locked away were threatening to burst at this very moment.
Donghyuck felt the same way as well, though he’d never tried to keep his emotions for you under control. He knew that he couldn’t just let the love he’d felt so strongly go just like that, he had a plan to win you over again.
Which was why even as he stood before you, his gaze unwavering as he noticed your messy hair, your wrist guard, the tired bags under your eyes, even the thread that was unraveling at the sleeve of your shirt.
Donghyuck took it all in, and he knew he loved you still the same, if not, more than before.
One of your hands had gone to touch Seul’s shoulder gently, the other hand slowly inching towards the phone, the song (or the emotions it evoked) beginning to feel louder than ever.
Donghyuck took another step closer to the both of you, his gaze flickering to your hand that was going closer to your phone.
“Don’t skip the song.”
Your breath hitched, your hand almost instinctively drawing back, before you shook your head, turning the music off.
part 2
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