#the nerves thing is terrifying!
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This was the song that instantly went through my head when I saw the above!
🎵Your teeth our bones that live outside; they hang from your mouth like bats🎵
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Hey so I’ve wanted to interact with this community a bit more but I’m pretty anxious so instead of talking to people like a normal person I’ve decided to interact with y’all via drawing your characters/sonas! So yeah if you send me your interns I wanna draw something with them! Idk if it will be one big drawing with a bunch of them or individual drawings (kinda just depends on my motivation/if I have any good ideas) and I can’t guarantee I’ll draw everyone depending on how many people send in their lads but we’ll see I guess!
All I need is a colored full body ref of your intern (preferably digital cause color picking from traditional refs is PAIN but I will do it if you don’t have a digital ref, just don’t expect super accurate colors) a brief description of their personality (or if you’ve written a bunch about them before fee free to link it, the more I know about them the easier it is to draw them in character) and maybe their height in case I draw them together (either exact height or compared to canon characters ex: they’re a little shorter than Ada). You can reblog this post with your intern or, if you don’t wanna reblog, just send them in as an ask or something. As long as I can see them it works!
So yeah, don’t know how far I’ll go with this but at very least I’ll draw a few lads! You guys have a lot of cool interns so I’m looking forward to drawing them!
#rhythm doctor#Haniel oc#my art#I would put this on the RDL discord but I am. terrified of that place#I’ve been on it for weeks but I haven’t said a word cause man is it overwhealming#there’s just so many people and things happening constantly it’s a lot#if I can work up the nerve to though I might cause I do wanna post stuff on there and actually interact a bit more#but we’ll see
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#ugh. fuck me im so tired. im getting sucked back into that workaholic mindset and now my body hurts and my nerves are fying. but it feels#good to b productive. if only i didnt have to teach and could just work with data :-(#anyway. the last 2 weeks have been good in that i feel like im actually hitting my stride a bit#bc we're seeing cool things in our genomes and its gonna b really fun to explore. and i met with the terrifying#prof who is on my committee to pitch a project for a final in her class and it seems it went over well. it was kinda funny bc we were#meeting and she was like: so how would u tell which gene was lost 1st? the phytochrome or the genes that r triggered by activation? and i#was like: uhhhhh idk. and then my advisor walked by and she grabbed him and asked him the same question and he was like: idk we'll have to#figure it out. which made me feel way better abt not knowing lol. then my superior lab mate asked me a question abt taking confocal images#and i was actually able to figure out what her issue was. and my old advisor was asking me if i knew anyone to ask for using a pam on cyanos#and i was like: here is what i think my advisor would say and linked her a paper. then i asked my advisor and he said what i expected and#linked the paper that id already sent. so im like. ok. ok. maybe i actually sometimes do kno what im doing. sorta.#and then my old advisor said she was so proud of me. and i was like aw. its so funny bc my relationship is so different with my new advisor#hes great but its all very professional. with my old advisor i would text her after hours bc she was a workaholic like me and went on long#car rides and handed out Halloween candy with her. she was more hands on and doesnt have kids so work is her life. its just interesting#so things have been going well. but there arent enough hours in the day. and my committee meeting is in like 16 days. and i am afraid for#that but not as afraid as i was in april when i had a full on breakdown and canceled it the day before it was set to happen lol#itll b fine. i just have to work thru the weekend so i can get my preproposal done. and prey that the fucking splitstree download site will#start working bc i want to do gene networks dammit#unrelated
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got stp pristine cut im so excited to playyyyyyy oml
#missed obsessing over this game#thinking abt the nightmare also.... might be one of my fav princesses#heart lungs liver nerves gang. terrifying shit#i love that scene..#slay the princess#blash things
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listening to my broadway playlist and dust and ashes is playing now
#i am killing myself#ALL OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN SEARCHING THE WORDS?#OF POETS AND SAINTS AND PROPHETS AND KINGS??#AND NOW AT THE END ALL I KNOW THAT I'VE LEARNED IS THAT ALL THAT I KNOW IS I DON'T KNOW A THING???#SO EASY TO CLOSE OFF PLACE THE BLAME OUTSIDE#HIDING IN MY ROOM AT NIGHT SO TERRIFIED#ALL THE THINGS I COULD'VE BEEN BUT I NEVER HAD THE NERVE LIFE AND LOVE I DON'T DESERVE!!!#etc etc bury me in burgundy i just don't care nothing's left i've looked everywhere#oh holy fuck this song fucked me up so bad#this musical fucked me up so bad#pierre bezukhov FUCKED ME UP SO BAD#he is me and i am him#we are the same person#i need to talk to dave malloy ASAP#natasha pierre and the great comet of 1812#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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June and all their followers. Eat every single thing you want and eat it the second it sounds good don’t wait. I’ve had 3-5 cups of pudding and or apple sauce a day since Monday and I’m going to jump off a building I’m starving and also everything sounds delicious. Here are my recommendations for your next meal: Crunchwrap Supreme with no nacho cheese add fire sauce, a pizza with onion light sauce well done (hear me out idc), Olive Garden breadsticks with Alfredo, the biggest salad ever, nachos, a chipotle bowl, and a chicken ranch wrap from subway. Once I can open my mouth more then a quarter of an inch I will gain 90 pounds
:(
#june's asks#serenitycushing's input#food tw#i have no words only empathy#i hope things get better this is terrifying#nerve damage is. terrifying
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#tgcf#hualian#cave of 10000 statues#hua cheng#xie lian#my hyperfixation demon#hua cheng is the normal one in this relationship#fic stuff#meta stuff#idk my first attempt at using the poll feature#was thinking about this scene and what exactly it means for hualian’s relationship#because their relationship unfolds so carefully and deliberately#xie lian has by now accepted so much about hua cheng that even hua cheng was expecting him to be upset about#and they were all legitimate reasons for hc to worry!#and yet xie lian hadn’t batted an eye to any of it. he had just accepted it and kept on liking hua cheng#but i can imagine that must be even more nerve wracking - for him to have THIS secret.#this specific thing that involves xie lian that is undeniably yucky and invasive and terrifying#every time hua cheng braces himself for rejection and every time he is surprised. and he kept falling and now he has fallen so hard.#imagine how terrified he is. the suspense of not knowing how xie lian would react. the fear of heartbreak. no wonder he ran.#but at the same time of course xie lian accepts him. of course.#gaaah this is so cheesy it is 2am i do not wanna sleep
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like out of all the many, many traumas ive given elspeth my favorite has gotta be the deep roads lol. and specifically the way she never really got OUT of them. yeah so maybe her body did but not HER. shes still down there with ruck and helspith every time she closes her eyes. and during future expeditions when she goes down into the deep roads for real, it doesnt feel like some horrible nightmare it feels like REALITY and its the surface and love and warmth and alistair thats nothing more than a pleasant dream. one shes always going to wake up from. bc even in her happiest moments she's never not aware of the darkspawn digging up towards her just a few miles under her feet. and never not feeling the eyes of the deep roads looking at her, gleefully waiting for her, and knowing its not going anywhere
#i love shale but for elspeth's worldstate i dont recruit her bc im so obsessed w the dynamic of it being elspeth/alistair/oghren/the dog lol#oc: elspeth#tay plays dao#she got SEVERE shell shock being down there in the dead trenches after the realization that came from helspith's poem#why shes never seen any female darkspawn and why there apparently arent as many female wardens either#and like. Understanding that death is the absolute best case scenario for her.#alistair had to 100000% step up as the leader because she was completely out of commission. barely able to breathe let alone fight or lead#going from this unstoppable warrior who NEVER loses her nerve or control on a battlefield#to nearly dying to the broodmother bc she was so fucking terrified. bc all she could see was her own fate mirrored back at her#finally FINALLY understanding what it means to be a grey warden. and then trying to reject that reality with her entire body and soul#she pulls herself out of it enough to get out alive but she never had a moment of like... triumph over the deep roads where she had a burst#of courage and saved the day or whatever. thats not usually how trauma works and so alistair carried them thru that#thru the broodmother and the anvil and branka and back to orzammar just as elspeth was beginning to put herself back together#afterwards the lack of closure to what was one of her ''weakest'' lowest moments rly weighed her down with guilt and shame#and its only a year later during awakening when she finally reconciles with having NO choice but to go back into the deep roads#and being able to kill the mother. THAT helped. that restored some small part of her#gave her the strength to start going back down there when the need arose. resigned to an early death but ready to put up a fight#but ye. still such a fundamentally devastating thing she went thru which altered her entire personality to the point where she starts fully#embracing being a warden (bc how can someone who's seen what shes seen and done what shes done be anything else???)#and INSISTING alistair take the throne despite having always been supportive of his desire not to. even if it means she loses him.#bc its a last ditch effort to save him from the fate she's completely surrendered herself to#sigh. this game man.#i need dadw to Confirm that the grey wardens have found a cure and alistair and hof are safe because jesus christ. my girl NEEDS a win
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my depression song i love u sm dust and ashes <3 (its still musical theatre thats how committed to the bit i am)
#૮◜ﻌ◝ა#how long have i been sleeping#so easy to close off#place the blame outside#hiding in my room at night so terrified#all the things i couldve been but i never had the nerve#life and love i dont deserve#bury me in burgundy i just dont care#nothings left ive looked everywhere#is this how i die#was there any other way my life could be#such a storm of feelings inside of me#but then why am i screaming#why am i shaking#was happiness within me the whole time#SoundCloud
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anyways. holding linebeck gently
#some assorted untagged linebeck thoughts tonight cuz hey why not its been a Day of ups and downs and he’s been there in my mind#sometime this month i do want to make some images of him w/ the pride flags of my hcs so general gay and then mlm and then intersex#general post ph crew rundown theres linebeck and then damien is bi and trans and bellum doesnt fucking care and link is figuring it out#so its half we got it and half man i have other things to worry about#i feel like you put linebeck and midna in a room and they are gay/lesbian buddies mlm/wlw solidarity thats what they are to me#anyways. revisited my post abt possession aftermath effects. you can probably tell i enjoy hurt/comfort/whump#smth darkly funny to me abt extremely sick and delirious linebeck and worried link kinda hanging out in his room#with link being like i bet youll be fine!!! you’re recover youre fine. and linebeck just saying kid i have rabies symptoms#anyways he lives hes fine he survives the magic squid rabies. to calm the characters nerves and my own ive decided that once hes well enoug#linebeck and link decide to visit the fairy queen to get some kinda divine checkup and to get the closure of. linebeck is fine he’s fine#nothing malicious is lingering youre good just. get some more bed rest#i do like the idea that when hes got some minor injury to the degree of some little papercur linebeck is incredibly bitchy and whatnot#and then when he’s in genuine danger of dying he’s eerily chill abt it. while recovering from possession one day when he can walk he just#chills on the deck when theres no breeze just smoking. ofc hes terrified inside but fuck if hes going to be obvious abt it (when lucid)#could tie that to his trauma n whatever ig but rn i dont have the energy to really think on it idk hes had enough bad injuries#and has found that when hes actively distressed crying out and whatnot didnt really get people to help#like its smth he learned early on his brother was there and there was just enough but like yknow. wasnt ingrained ig#thats a different thing to be lumped into the idea of him learning that its fine to be more vulnerable abt what you feel n need n want#prob smth he practices with link i mean damien is good but he needs to learn to listen instead of assume for that first bit#uhhh. earlier today i almost made a vent post but didnt but i think the gist was god i need to stop comparing other loz things to my iwn#bc it never never ends well. anyways. uhhh. came up with a possible post ph story arc for bellum n link#and decided to revive an older one with link and linebeck. post ph is really really just its own thing tbh#ofc meant to be a sorta fan sequel thing but between the disregarding of canon sequel stuff and not really adhering to the feeling n whatno#its just its own thing and i like it. ill prob delete this later
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Guess who's biting the bullet and taking acting classes? 🤭
#I am moderately terrified#but so many people have suggested I try it#and I genuinely do enjoy being theatrical#its more of a nerves thing if anything#but here we are#trying new things#picking up skills#also I might be getting a promotion at the theatre I work at too#personal
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Trying to find ur own median cubital vein like
#I knowww the veins get more pronounced when using a tourniquet#but still. on some people they're pretty visible even without the tourniquet lmao#eugh I'm both excited and slightly terrified of taking blood.......#like rationally I know that it's not a big deal and even if you miss the worst thing that happens is that the patient gets a bruise#UNLESS you hit a tendon or nerve which is what I'm spooked about#even if I know that the risk is very small... BUT IT EXISTS AAAAAA#whatever it'll be fine. I'll be fine. A mentor will aways be with me.
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okay i didn’t expect sephiroth to scare me so much since i still don’t even really know what his deal is but goddamn. just started the final ff7r fight and i keep fumbling the bag because whenever he goes to attack i enter panicky high pitch nervous giggle mode 😭😭
#also whisper-screaming. that's how u know i'm immersed LMAO#i think it's like. cloud's fear rubbing off on me. like /i/ don't know sephiroth but CLOUD does and he is Terrified#so it's like. whenever he gets within a few feet of cloud it's the most nerve-wracking thing Ever#final fantasy vii#willow whispers
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it feels like i am reliving it everyday
#sick to my stomach all the time. heart racing#all my nerves tingling and every organ flipping#and the dreams#last night i was trying to tell my mother in our old family home that there was a fire spreading in the kitchen#but i was too quiet#no matter how close i got i was too quiet#the night before that it was just like Back Then and i wake up thinking i was dying#how do you do it??? how do you carry all the things that accumulate in the cracks?#i feel like i am coated in it. like everyone can see it on me except for me. like it is coming out of my pores.#eugh. and ive lost so much hair.#but i will get thru it#it can grow back. and december will come. and everything will pass. and life will move on.#need to figure out if theyre making things easier tomorrow or not. i gotta. i will keep going. i will keep going.#i am alright though! just having a rough go of it and need to just. keep my sights set on that flight home.#it's hard when youre so paranoid but you KNOW it's an internal issue#like im so sorry random person im sure youre very nice but im Terrified of you
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Fuckin rat snake broke into the brooder coop and ate two of my peeps. It had the little maran wrapped up when I ran out there, but I heard her screaming from inside the house and was able to get to her in time. She’s okay, a little banged up and scared, but she’s bright and alert, no pain or heat anywhere in her body, no broken bones, just a pretty big wound where the snake had bitten her. So now she’s in the house, in a tub in the laundry room with the door shut so the cat can’t get her, and that’s where she’ll stay until she’s big enough to go in with the adults
Fuckin snakes, man. Listen, I love snakes, I do, but not when they eat my fucking birds. I don’t even know how it got in either???? Like the coop is all wood and hardware cloth with no gaps, where the fuck did you even get in ya sumbitch :(
#she speaks#she’s a very very lucky bird#I was sitting in the living room watching a movie with my family#and if I hadn’t been she woulda died too#the coops are right behind the house so I could hear her screaming#I literally kicked the side of the coop until he let her go#and like I thought she was fucking dead#she was all folded up and sprawled out#and I stepped on the snake to keep it from biting me and looked at her#and she was still breathing#so I grabbed her and handed her to my dad#then grabbed the snake and pulled it out of the coop#poor little bird sat there for a long time while my dad went and got the tub and fixed in for her#and she was just staring at me and breathing hard#then she had the nerve to run from me when I went to pick her up again lmfao#I’m just kidding she was terrified I totally don’t blame her#she’s gonna have to get real okay with me picking her up real quick tho#cuz I gotta treat her wound periodically#that’s one thing about keeping farm animal is you get really good at wound care#all the knowledge of a vet tech with none of the certifications or paycheck 😭😭😭#anyway she’ll be alright#she’s safe in the house and the wound is nothing she won’t recover from#the biggest concern was broken bones but her legs wings and keel are all perfect#if her neck were broken she’d be dead so I’m not concerned about that lol#and she’s not sore and there’s no abnormal heat indicating injury#chickens are resilient little creatures with an astounding will to live
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I have a plan. Trusted people say it’s a good plan. I do not know if I have the courage to do said plan.
#tiger’s roar#socializing crap#…it is. terrifying. to be the one to reach out#and constantly worrying I’m reading things wrong#wanting things too soon. risk being smothering and Scary#…I literally handpainted cards for 2 Weeks Late birthday cards as a way to…IDK?? give away art? it’s cheap?#and made FOUR spicejars of rocks#to not leave anyone out. to give ONE a jar of rocks#i just. i don’t know if I have the nerve#did all that scheming to ‘hey wanna see something neat?? thinking about you’ and. idk if I have the courage#wHAT aRE tHEY eVEN gONNa dO wITH iT TiGER?!#is…a constant thought. because having something to try and hold onto is…always awkward#and. good god. i’m still scared to even stand next to this guy and sing again#because doing so Imediately got him teased and scared off#like…things feel consistantly friendly now. but. that’s Vibes.#we still haven’t had another Real conversation#but then again. he did catch me in two different upsets…and it didn’t scare him#No One can actually tolerate me when I stress cry. let alone have a defensive cptsd reaction#or get cranky if my Real Feelings leak out when truly asked#and that all seems…accepted? is it too soon to say that? who knows#like. sure /I’d/ like to get a handmade card and bottle of Neat Collected Stuff#and my therapist encouraged me to go for it#that it’d be a good way to Show ‘hey I care about you guys’#in a way that takes Time but isn’t really a Cost to make it awkward#(you collect rocks off the ground. the bottles are just washed recycling. I already had watercolors#(and want to have the Courage to give away art to say. family#(and my friends all said that ‘Tiger we’d LOVE to recieve this too!’#(which yeah. already a plan. already planning what to paint fam and hopefully not have their crit sink my esteme yet again)#how much is Insecurity. how much is Rationality. idk.
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