#the love of not being traumatized by myself =)
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ABC and the 911 team didn’t realize that there would be so many already traumatized millennial gay men relating to Tommy on levels they don’t understand (joys of most of the writing staff and Tim being heterosexual as far as we know). And now the traumatized millennial gay men who spent their lives hiding, are finally coming out en mass and voicing their disappointment in what happened and how badly it was handled. Whatever they had planned for BuckTommy will need to changed at this point.
And don’t even get us started on the Facebook wine moms. Those are the moms of the traumatized gay men. They are the mama bears watching their cubs in pain again after watching them getting bullied and hurt all throughout their childhood, their teenage years and their adult life. And they see their cubs happy with a silly little character on a silly little show and then it’s all ripped apart. And if there is anything Boomer parents know how to do, and they do it well, is to take to Facebook and complain.
ABC, 911, Tim Minear, and everyone involved didn’t expect this to happen. And I hope they learn from it.
The thing is it even goes beyond millennial gay men. Obviously it's important rep for them and I've seen so many posts (from way before the breakup) from gay men talking about how important Tommy is to them, I am not trying to undermine that in anyway. I'm just saying, as a bi woman, Tommy spoke to me too. I'm not kidding when I say I relate to him more than any other character on the show. Even Buck's bi arc, while I loved it, didn't relate to me.
I know we had to fill in the blanks a lot with Tommy, but he grew up with a Gerrard, was probably surrounded by Gerrards, and my experience was similar. Not exactly with my parents (they were/are very conservative, but not Gerrard-like), but with the school and church I grew up in, my city, extended family, etc. There was no access to the internet or a way for me to do research and work on my own biases. What I learned was what I knew and it's what I stuck with well into adulthood.
That's when I started working on myself, figuring out what I believed, how I thought about things. The things that had been drilled into my head from youth started to not add up and I was like "Oh, I gotta fix this!"
And then a few years after that, I realized I myself was bisexual. That is a terrifying realization for someone who grew up being told how terrible it was to be anything but straight. I know Tommy's loneliness, I know Tommy's fear, I AM that Tommy. And that's why it I wanted to see him win. I still want to see him win. I want to see him be allowed to be happy.
#911#bucktommy#tommy kinard#I hope this doesn't sound like I'm trying to take from anyone elses experience#I really can only speak to my own
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Help me move to Scotland to be with the one I love
Hello, my name is Colie and I'm trying to raise the money needed to be able to apply for a partner visa to go and live with my girlfriend in Scotland.
3 years ago, my life was in a hellish place. My step-dad, the greatest person I have ever known, was diagnosed with cancer and put on hospice care. He took me in when I had to leave my old life behind me; when I lost my home in New York and had no where else to turn to. He accepted my 3 elderly cats and cared for them like they were his own. Although he came into my life late, he acted as a father and a friend to me.
In August of 2021, right as my step-dad was diagnosed, I met the love of my life. I wasn't looking for love. I was searching for a writing partner and she came along. 2 weeks later, I told her I thought I might be in love with her, and to my surprise she said she felt the same way.
Steph was there for me as my step-dad grew weaker and weaker. She was the first person I told the morning when he passed away. I helped my mother care for him in his last days. I listened obsessively at the wall between our bedrooms for his last breaths. To this day, I still refuse to go into the spare bedroom where he passed away. I am traumatized, I am broken, but to Steph I am so much more. She was there for me to lean on whenever I needed her. She cheered me up with her silly puns. She made me smile and she reassured me that I was worth loving.
My life has never been easy, but the easiest thing in it has always been Steph. I knew right away that I loved her. I admired her from the first moment I met her. She stuck by my side despite my disabilities, despite my losses, despite my will to end it all.
I have severe anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. Because of this, it has never been easy for me to keep down a job. Because I have never been able to hold down a job, I have been living off the good graces of others and cannot afford therapy. Only recently did I find a way to receive remote therapy and I'm working to improve myself.
I have lived a sheltered life since moving down here to Florida. I lost everything I ever knew in New York. I have seen family members only a handful of times in the past 11 years, and I haven't visited any of my friends since. I have lost touch with the people I called my friends back home, and I haven't been able to make new friends down here.
It's a different world here, and I am very fearful as a gay person in a red state. I do not tell anyone that I'm gay because I fear for my life here. Especially after the 2024 election results.
I have become a recluse who has nothing but her online friends, her mother, and her cats. The one shining light in all of my life has been Steph. We were able to meet in the summer of 2023 and I flew to Scotland to be with her. For the first time in my life, I was living and doing what I wanted to do. I was happy. I smiled every single day. I was traveling outside and seeing things I've never seen before, all with the person I loved most in the world. At the end of my trip, Steph turned to me and said "So, what do you think about living here?" and I swear to you, I've never smiled brighter.
The reason I have started this campaign is because of the financial requirements to obtain a visa to move to the UK. The financial requirement is £29k, which is roughly $37k USD. Steph just graduated from university with a degree in screenwriting, but she has yet to find a job in her field. For the time being, she's working in childcare, which she also has a degree in, but it does not make the kind of money needed to sponsor me for a visa.
Our choices were either to make the 29k annually, or to have 31k in savings (equating roughly to 39k USD) so that I could apply for a visa stay support both of us for 2 years before I would have to apply again. Unfortunately, the income earned cannot be combined with any savings to meet the financial requirement. The requirement also does not allow me to contribute with a US income, as the person who is responsible for sponsoring me has to be the one earning the money because I won't be able to work in the UK until I have a spouse visa.
It is incredibly difficult not seeing the one you love day in and day out. My life has never been easy, as I said before, but I feel as if it has been put on pause ever since I was forced out of my home to come and live in Florida. I haven't been living, I have been surviving.
I want to live again, and I want to live with the girl I love.
Please, if you can, donate. Even if it's just a dollar, anything helps. Please help my dreams come true.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
~Colie
Link to gofundme
If you could reblog this post, I would greatly appreciate it!
#gofundme#love#long distance relationship#fundraiser#help me be with the one i love#lesbians#lgbtq community#uk visa#donations#help#please help#help me
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My Thoughts On Why Astarion Acts The Way He Does
While I'm waiting for Baldur's Gate 3's cloud status to upload, I've been thinking. I've seen a lot on social media about people questioning why Astarion disapproves when your character wants to save the gnomes (since they are also under an abusive master) or assisting the refugees and how he is always wanting a reward instead of just doing something nice for the sake of it. And I've talked with people who have helped me put this into better words. At least I hope. So I wanted to explain my perspective as someone who was abused when a kid/teen/even early adult.
I fought my abusers whenever I could, figuring if it was going to happen, I'd piss them off, which was satisfying. I liked seeing them hurt when bad things happened to them. I enjoyed making them suffer as I was, even if it wasn't the same as how they abused me. Then when anyone else made me angry, I wanted them to hurt (I never physically fought because I didn't want the pain, but I wished suffering upon them.). If someone started issues with a different authority figure, it annoyed me quite a bit because then I have another problem. And what if my abusers found out I was involved when I wasn't because someone I was with was upsetting the authority figure? It would become just one more issue I had to deal with. Too many details and nuances to keep track of when my mind needed to focus on the first problem. It made sense to stay on the good side of authority figures to keep myself safe and avoid trouble.
For me, something had to be worth doing or my mind just went back to worrying about sh*t, back to the fight or flight survival response. I needed that reward dopamine. Getting praises wasn't doing it for me, since I would forget the good because of the bad. Trauma brain is funny like that. I needed something physical and worthwhile to make me happy.
It's the reason why Astarion is my favorite character that I connected with the most. Not because of his beauty (not that he isn't an elegant elven man. Just that it wasn't what got me to like him. I'd lean more toward Gale or Wyll if it was by appearance for the male companions, though seeing Astarion half-naked with abs was a real shocker. I seriously thought he was a skinny elf 😳), but because he reminds me so much of how I was and how my thought-process worked. How I kept people away by being rude just enough without them wondering if they should say something to my abusers. Because no matter how many times I told people outright I was being abused early on, no one helped, only tattle-told on me.
And I haven't even completed a playthrough yet. I only just got to the Elfsong before starting a Durge playthrough. First playthrough was an asexual Tav to get to know the characters and storyline (I kid you not, I made my Tav a Charlatan rogue then discovered Astarion was also a Charlatan rogue when I was in the forge 😂). As I got to know them a bit more, Astarion intrigued me the most and when Patch 7 came out, I decided to play a Durge Romance. The first Durge both traumatized me up to Act 2 and made me adore and respect Astarion even more. So yeah, I'm romancing him on this Modded Durge Romance playthrough despite Gale having an interest in me, who is the male companion I would connect with if Astarion wasn't a companion (I'm literally just starting the Underdark area and Gale is already at 100 approval while Astarion is at 79 approval. I wish I had a library, I do have a cat, and I love me some white or pink wine 😋).
This is what my perspective of why Astarion acts the way he does. He's not bad, per say. What happened to him for 200 years has made him what he is. Nobody can fix someone else, but they can be guided to help fix themselves. I've been working to fix myself since I got out of the situation. And I want to be the one to guide Astarion toward fixing himself.
If I think of more, I'll see about adding. For now, thank you for reading. I hope you have a great day. 😊
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Being human is simple if you strip away the inhuman systems, the bureacracy, the trauma that the programmed, wounded and misled perpetuate. (Hence kindness or protecting one’s energy). Being human happens without your conscious participation, you could not beat your own heart, digest your food etc. Hence ”human being” and not ”human doing”. Your body orients you, not the programming. Ground yourself, become present, it’s all here right now, the wonder of it. If you really pay attention.
People are either motivated by an avoidance of pain or a seeking of pleasure. Pain is fear, without pain, no pleasure. Without your palm, no dorsum. Everything exists in a complementary relationship to everything else. Night follows day. Everything is a derivative of fear or love. But it all leads back to love, in the end. Spiritually, this is transcendence of duality.
So i believe that, that which causes life to thrive, or a flower to bloom: is love, which is acceptance, which is compassion, which is nourishment, it allows. So i will be kind and playful in my eternal love, nothing else worked. The mind is designed to be as convincing as possible, hence it reaffirms our sense of reality. But there is something called as healthy functioning and coping, not meant as judgement but rather compassion. This can clear your mind.
Here’s a few of the most effective grounding exercises for a traumatized nervous system, that i’ve found:
• 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise.
• Progressive muscle relaxation.
• Breath awareness (esp in highly emotional situations): Allow the breath simply arise, don’t try to control it, just let your attention ride on it, become breathed, like a tree.
• EFT.
Misc:
• Follow your excitement in every situation.
• Think about who you are without all your negative convictions. Instead of thinking that you chose think a thought, observe the feeling is triggers in your body. Feel the fear/anxiety and just breathe deeply. Don’t engage in the mind conversation, just breathe deeply. If you start engaging in the convo again, gently back to the breath. Remember: your mind is convincing for a reason, because a lot of thoughts: require your participation to survive. It can help to repeat:
”This negative response is how my body-mind has been programmed to think it must respond. Because it replays the past, i choose to learn from the past and accept myself, in order to move on. I choose to invite love. So i choose to believe that i don’t have to respond that way. Divine, i don’t know how it’s possible but with your infinite intelligence, all things are possible.”
Spiritual Practice:
• Aum chanting, 16-108 rounds.
• Hare Krishna chanting.
• Tibetan Tummo Yoga. (Very physically intense, somatic effect).
• ”Breath Of Fire” Pranyama, breating exercise (CAUTION: Please research how to do this one correctly, faulty practice can damage your lungs. Hence it’s also therefore incredibly potent.)
• Hoponopono.
Natural Processes:
• Full body crying. (Crying is a mechanism that releases tensions and trauma from the body).
• Ruthlessly honest journaling. Write down everything that has ever happened to you. (ChatGPT can be a wonderful tool here, just temper the amount of detail you provide)
• Exercise, 30min at a minimum, daily walk. Preferably in nature.
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Above all, whatever we resist, persists. So things like journaling can often be the most cathartic and effective practice, each time. The idea is that if it is not expressed, it is harbored within. But once expressed, it becomes external. At which point, one can notice how there is a separation of ’what happened’ and ’who i am’.
chronic fatigue from mental illness and neurodivergency isn't something you can just will your way out of. your nervous system is part of your body. your brain is an organ. the fatigue is real. you're not lazy. so be kinder to yourself. be gentler with your bodymind.
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i see you've gotten yourself into the rabbit hole that is the transformers franchise! So here's a simple question:
Out of all the iterations you've seen, who's your favorite Autobot and favorite Decepticon?
Oh my GOODDD. Give me a second to even remember all the iterations I’ve seen one second
Ok so MTMTE/LL, Prime, Rescue Bots and Rescue Bots Acadamy, Animated, and Armada. I’ll start with Animated because that was the first one I was introduced to.
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Tranformers: Animated - Favorite Autobot has definitely got to be Bumblebee, but Jazz is a close second. I see a lot of myself in that lil yellow guy— constantly being picked on for his height, self esteem issues that come off as over confidence, constantly wanting to prove himself— yeah that’s just me but in robot font. And much worse. Jazz being a close second is entirely because he was just really cool.
Now my favorite Decepticon from Animated is 1,000% Blitzwing. I fucking LOVED his german accent and his personality switch gimmick. I hope it’s not disrespectful to call it a gimmick, but like. If you watch the show it really is just a gimmick. You got the cold and calm one, usually the main face, the brute with all the anger in the world, and then the Batshit Crazy guy. He’s so incredibly silly. I love him.
(The rest under the cut, this is gonna get long)
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Tranformers: Prime - Favorite Autobot is EAAASILYY Smokescreen. How could you NOT like him??? His character arc is one of, if not THE, best in the whole series. He first joins the Autobots acting like a new cadet, arrogant and sloppy, but raring to fight and throw himself headfirst into battle. He was kind of rude to the others, but through experience and making mistakes, he begins to mature and apologizes when needed. He beats himself up when he makes mistakes, no matter how small (me too).
But then, at the end of season 2 and beginning of season 3 I think, he goes through something traumatic. Optimus, nearly dead, presents the matrix to him, saying that it was time for a new prime, and that prime was to be him. And like. You expect Smokescreen to take it. BUT HE DOESN’T. Instead he goes and brings the Forge of Solus Prime to Optimus and REVIVES HIM.
Smokescreen refuses the Matrix of Leadership, not because he was in denial about Optimus dying, but because he recognized that he wasn’t ready. He showed humility, something he hadn’t shown since he arrived, and he showed compassion. Like. Just. LOOK AT THIS CLIP FROM THE MOVIE.
Anyway. Smokescreen makes me ill. Moving on
My favorite Decepticon from Prime is Shockwave. For no good reason other than god he’s hot. His voice…. his walk….. he could eviscerate me and I’d thank him.
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MTMTE/LL - Now I would call this IDW but I don’t want to be misleading since I haven’t exactly read every single IDW comic in existence, so I’ll just stick to the story I read a lot. ANYWAY. Favorite autobot is Rung, obviously. Who do you think I am. Lovable psychiatrist who gets forgotten about a lot despite being these bots’ psychiatrist for like 6 centuries (RED ALERT). Anyway. And he has a ✨✨Dark Secret✨✨. Which is. The fact he is LITERALLY GOD. But it’s ok because he didn’t know it either. aND THEN HE DIES AND HIS FINAL WISH IS DON’T FORGET ME AND GUESS WHAT EVERYONE D- [gets shot]
Rung makes me ill.
First Aid is a close second. He also makes me ill. Lengthwise…… (<- obscure reference)
Favorite Decepticon… Is really hard to decide because there are so many good options in MTMTE/LL. I’ll pick two for this one, since they’re part of opposing groups within the Decepticons anyway. Those two are Fulcrum and Kaon.
Fulcrum is part of the Scavengers, along with Krok, Crankcase, Spinister, Misfire, and Flywheels. Though he like instantly dies. Anyway. I think I just really like his design and personality, since there really isn’t any arc with this guy. He’s just silly.
And then there’s Kaon, who is part of the D.J.D. (Decepticon Justice Division. To those who don’t know them, they’re a group of Decepticons lead by Tarn who go around the galaxy killing Decepticons who went rogue, awol, or just strayed up betrayed the Decepticon clause. And they don’t just. Bam dead, they torture their victims, killing them slowly and brutally.) He turns into an electric chair and I mostly like him because of his design and he seems like the silliest of the D.J.D. having that attachment with The Pet n’ all. No character arc to ramble about. I just like him.
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Transformers: Rescue Bots Academy - Favorite Autobot is Easy Peasy! That would be Hot Shot for mostly the same reasons as Animated Bee and Prime Smokescreen. I see A lot of myself in him, and his character arc is absolutely amazing. Basically the same as Smokescreen’s, except he doesn’t witness someone almost die LMAO
There aren't any Decepticons in RBA, but I will say my favorite of the teacher was Blades, which leads me to my next iteration!
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Transformers: Rescue Bots - Keep in mind, I'm still in the middle of watching this one, so I'm only up to season 2 episode... 4 or 5, I can't remember. Anyway. Favorite Autobot is Blades, as previously mentioned. He's just so silly, and I adore the fact he's such a huge Bumblebee fan. I love the idea of him, a helicopter, being scared of heights. Me too buddy, me too.
Again RB does not have any decepticons as far as I'm aware, and I hardly remember any of the villains.
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And lastly, Transformers: Armada - Much like RBA, my favorite Autobot in this whole 4 season long series was Hot Shot. I don't remember his exact character arc since it's been a year since I started watching the show, but I do remember I liked it a lot. He was silly and goofy and, much like Smokescreen, matured over time. Oh, and also GODDAMNIT HIS VOICE. It's so soft and adorable and everything but when he yells oh BOY does he YELL. That shit gets GRAVELLY and HOARSE. Oh and also he's voiced by Brent fuckign Miller, the same dude who voices Zane in Ninjago, so... You can say I'm biased because Zane is my favorite ninja.
And as for favorite Decepticon, though he doesn't end up actually being a Decepticon but he is still an antagonist so I'm counting it anyway, is Sideways. And it's entirely because of his voice because I don't remember what he was like before season 4. IT'S SO FUCKING HOT PLEASE HEAR ME OUT ON THIS.
Also, he's voiced by the same guy who voices Sensei Wu also in Ninjago. Take that as you will.
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I LOVE RAMBLING!!! WOOOO. Anyway uuh. Here's a long answer to a simple question. Enjoy.
#rory rambles#transformers#maccadam#transformers prime#transformers animated#transformers rescue bots#transformers rescue bots academy#mtmte/ll#more than meets the eye/lost light#more than meets the eye#lost light#tfa#tfp#rb#rba#rescue bots#rescue bots academy#tfa bumblebee#tfa blitzwing#tfp smokescreen#tfp shockwave#idw rung#idw fulcrum#idw kaon#rba hot shot#rb blades#tfar hot shot#tfar sideways#thats a lot of bots!!!
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Jmart is just like squidbob but if squidward was the main character and spongebob had parental issues and suicidal depression
#tma#the magnus archives#jmart#jonathan sims#martin blackwood#teaholding#jonmartin#i love making connections and finding patterns and being five years old#also squidward would be the one with the holes in this specific scenario i suppose#and patrick is hiding his traumatic past behind jokes and flower patterned clothing#and sandy is dead#and oh my god mr krabs......#actually craxking myself up really badly thinking about a tmaxspongebob au i think im gonna sleep
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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wuthering heights is a love story, a tragic one, i should say, whether you like it or not. how can someone read “he’s more myself than i am, whatever our souls are made of his and mine are the same” or even “take any form, drive me mad, only do not leave me only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!” and not think it’s the epitome of romanticism, that’s it’s not love???
love is not always healthy, and that’s the reality of life, that’s how things are, it’s unrealistic to expect it to be, love comes in all forms and shapes, and some of then are not the ideal, unfortunately. what i like about wuthering heights is that all of the characters are human, flawed humans beings of course, hurt, and deeply, deeply traumatized, hardened by life. emily brontë did such a great job at making them out to be like that, showing us the consequences of trauma, abuse and no opportunity to pursue education during our formative years and how it can damage us for life.
i hate you romantically involved characters who talk to each other like they’re in a couples counseling session, i hate you watering down of the word toxic, i hate you plot twists where the male love interest is actually a villain because see, silly girl? in the REAL world guys like that are DANGEROUS, i hate you relationship therapist breaks down movie couple’s relationship videos, i hate you “romeo and juliet were just stupid horny teenagers” “belle had stockholm syndrome” “wuthering heights isn’t romantic” hot takes, i hate you sanitization of romance in fiction
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#gamers dont you love it when a friend breaks your heart#smashes every olive branch you extend toward them#accuses you of being the asshole when you fall apart about it#acts like they are sorry#and then just fully ghosts you 100%?#i am so fucking tempted to just give up man.#every time i meet someone and im like#''oh wait they seem normal? not hyperindividualistic? like someone who will like me always not just when im happy?''#''someone who wants to be my FRIEND not just a person in a discord call with me??''#and then i spread myself so fucking thin investing energy into the friendship#(which this person admitted wasn't even ENOUGH like i am SO EXHAUSTED from traumatic abandonment#and losing friends suddenly#that even me working at my MAXIMUM CAPACITY makes people feel like i don't like them)#every fucking time.#nothing turns out different. no matter how much work i put into it#the SECOND a person has the chance to abandon me. they will.#i am just sitting here with two forces inside of me#one who never wants to give up on love and friendship#and another who is so tired#i wish i could just be exhausted and burnt out#and someone or several someones. would love me anyways. love me enough that EVENTUALLY#i will grow my heart back#and i can love them threefold for all the love they showed me#but no one wants me even when i do have the energy to be a good friend so why the fuck would anyone want me like this#dude i am so sad i wasn't meant to live like this i was meant to make friends. close friends.#i just keep re-reading our last conversation before he ghosted me. maybe if i read it enough i can change the ending
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i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.
#bpd#like i dont mean to hurt anyone else with having my breakdown on my vent blog on tumblr...#like the stuff i say isnt aimed at anyone in particular#and it's abt MY feelings which are so confusing i get a headache#my thoughts is my enemy and im such a broken and confused little girl inside fr T-T#but like yeah im sorry for upsetting ppl???#but really i feel so suffocated bc im constantly terrified of saying smth that will upset this or that person#or reblogging the wrong thing and making someone im attached to hate me#like idk.... genuinely my blog is supposed to be a vessel? a tool? smth for me to be able to put my emotions and thoughts down#and try to make sense of them. even when i cant. it really only concerns me. i dont mean to attack or hurt anyone else :/#but i mean i really shouldnt and i shouldve learned this lesson so long ago....#being confused and broken and mentally ill and not knowing or understanding things and being messy and#saying the wrong things or phrasing it incorrectly or anything like that#or like sometimes i have one thought tied to a certain emotion but it's only there in that moment#like when i feel so lonely i could die.. yes i do have kidnapping fantasies. bc i dont.: whatever i dont owe anyone a psychoanalys of mysel#but that doesnt mean i want want to be kidnapped by a stranger who doesnt care abt me... i know that would be awful and traumatizing and no#what i *want*. bc what i desire is love#but like i feel so much pain and just venting abt it or reblogging a post helps me solidify my overwhelming emotions#idk what to say like..... ☹️☹️☹️☹️#i cant even fucking blog or do tumblr right im worthless. and yeah i know i have a victim complex.. sorry 🥲#hmmm. yeah idk what to say like when i have breakdowns i have to get myself thru them without any support#and i dont mean that to attack anyone else.: we're all alone i know.#but idk how to deal w it so i just type it out. its not to attack anyone else its to try to make sense of my emptions i dont understand ☹️#anyway.. maybe i should just accept that im too fucked up and too contradictory for anyone to actually like me#there will always be smth that will make everyone not like me anymore. thats that.#thank u for the time u do give me tho i always appreciate thay#and im sorry i really truly dont want to hurt anyone else#i just dont have .. idk it doesnt matter im sorry for what its worth and if anyone even reads this#i hope not bc i dont want anyone to perceive me and stuff like i dont wanna exist to anyone#and im not on tumblr or post stuff for attention. im just in pain and have nowehrre to put it. im sorry if im lashinf out and hurting other
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Ashes Of Love Run Yu
#i enjoy traumatizing myself#there are scenes i still refuse to touch and this was one of them but i'm being brave about it#i'm sorry about this please enjoy#😥😥😥😥🥺#ashes of love#xiang mi chen chen jin ru shuang#香蜜沉沉烬如霜#run yu#luo yunxi#leo luo#mf aol#my:gif
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I also think it's worth being pedantic about important things...and in that spirit I've spent like an hour writing and deleting various responses to this one (I found myself over-policing my tone and stopped that, so I'll just say right off I have no ill-will toward you and appreciate the contributions, even as I disagree on interpretation in several ways):
First, your tags - "for example a book can really kick off a delusion and set something off that can be traumatic." As I've said in another reblog thread, but it deserves repeating, triggering delusions, compulsions, or PTSD or adjustment disorder symptoms is not the same as causing trauma. We should try to accommodate people with triggers, and much of this accommodation will need to be individualized because the range of potential triggers is vast and often does not include things conventionally recognized as upsetting. I had a loved one make an irreversible error because of a delusion he had that was fueled by the due date on his library card being coincidentally the same as the date of his dentist appointment. That's not a reason for us to have a cultural conversation about the format of due date stickers. Though it could call for a discussion of how we can best support people who are experiencing delusional thinking or psychosis (we are currently doing very badly).
Re: vicarious trauma. Reading the Wikipedia article, I see that the examples given are of real life events reported on in the media, primarily social media and news coverage in the wake of terrorist attacks. I'm not going to get too deep into personal experience here, but let's just say this is not my first time hearing of vicarious trauma, and the important thing is that it is a real response to real harm and disaster. I wouldn't refuse evidence, but have not seen any, that it's caused by 13 Reasons Why or The Bridge to Terebithia or Outlander. (Bellingcat has useful advice for safety and 'metal hygiene' when engaging with firsthand sources of violence. I might use similar techniques when watching clips from a horror movie, but the stakes are not the same. Also, heads up that anyone who clicks through that link will read some text about distressing real-life events.)
"Books can have a significant impact on someone’s mind and outlook and that’s why they want them to be banned." < I agree and I think when people talk about how they don't want kids (or others) to read books about death, violence, sex, etc, they are participating in this. Authoritarians want us to have very particular ideas about these topics and resist any alternative information or thinking about them. When people go around saying "Learning or thinking about something upsetting is the same as being traumatized" they are doing the work of Christofascist Censorship Attempts, and I don't care if it's accidental. We don't need to compromise with them. (I don't have room to open this can of worms fully, but I also think too many people go around saying--for example--"13 Reasons Why traumatized me, I can't believe any library would let a kid read it" and thus send a message to the people around them with real-life experience with suicide, suicidal ideation, etc. that their experiences are unspeakable, untouchable. This social stigma is incredibly harmful.)
"I think it’s more productive to challenge the idea that a book that can potentially cause harm should be banned instead of the idea that books can potentially cause harm." < This is an interesting idea. I love its uncompromising stance. It's one I would adopt if I was convinced books can cause something that deserves to be called "harm" (the two of us may just have different definitions). I definitely believe we all have the God-given right to give ourselves nightmares and anyone trying to 'protect' us from that should be kicked in the fork of the legs.
I'm wondering if, as a society who cares about vulnerable people, we could stop saying "traumatize" when we truly mean "upset"?
I am sick of hearing sad books or movies "traumatize" their readers. I simply do not believe that happens. A traumatic experience might be adjacent to books (I have vivid memories of books I was reading around certain experiences and even how the contents of those books affected my processing of the experiences). But it's not caused by the book. And, y'know. The weather is Christofascist Censorship Attempts outside.
Meanwhile from the other side I continue to be surprised at just how badly people fail to understand trauma and traumatic experiences in general. Watering down the term isn't helping. Find other hyperbole to express that The Bridge to Terebithia gutted you, chewed on your heartstrings, and made you cry your first pair of contact lenses right out of your preteen eyes.
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Ok but thinking back to how I was in elementary and middle school: I had such disdain for other kids who broke the rules, that I irrationally hated a whole bunch of kids — kids I would have made good friends with — all because I couldn’t stand the fact that they engaged in conflicts with, and affronts to authority figures or standards.
It even went as far as internally mocking a kid my age — calling him “Mama’s Boy” in my head — over the fact that his mother whispered comments into his ear, which he mumbled unintelligibly into the mic, and then would fall asleep as if dead on her arm. I perceived his inability to give comments on his own, and his sleeping, as moral failings of both mother and child; because I wasn’t raised like that. And maybe, those feelings also came from jealousy. I was expected to fight off sleep all the time because I could read at a college level in third grade, and could theoretically understand the material presented at the meetings despite it still being inappropriate for my age group.
I was so far deep into the “bad associations spoil useful habits” mindset that it made me hate my fellow neurodivergents — kids I would have been friends with — who maybe couldn’t hide it as well as I could. That is beyond fucked up. Now, I work with those very kids I disliked so much as a child, and guess what? They are my absolute favorite people to be around; and many of them remind me of myself.
#exjw#ableism tw#I’m also just very uptight about rules anyway; so the whole cult thing did not help that part of me At All#I often find myself more concerned with doing things “correctly” than I am with doing the right thing in non-serious scenarios#and it’s kind of scary because like… how much of a sheep am I?#Would I torture someone if an authority figure I trusted ordered me to because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do?#Most of it comes from a desire for consistency: If [x] happens; then do [y]. So every time [x] happens; [y] is the correct response#and this — like the laws of physics — Cannot Change#Except of course the real world is vague and variable and there is a lot of grey area to work with in coming up with solutions#so doing [y] when [x] happens may make things worse than if you do [z] instead#This makes a lot more sense when you consider I was taught how to play chess at a very young age by my father#who bragged about being a “chess player” with regard to real world problems#Yes chess is strategy; but you’re also playing on a grid and your movements are entirely restricted by the rules of gameplay#My father can’t leave the cult that traumatized him because he loves Jehovah#he can’t go to the meetings to serve the god he loves because it triggers his trauma#he can’t talk to a therapist about his religious trauma to get over it because he would be defaming Jehovah#If life is a game of chess then he’s checkmated#But here’s the thing: the game is imaginary and the rules are made up#Viewing real life as a chess board is extremely unhealthy for your free will#Which is why in this essay about Nineteen Eighty Four I will—
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I HAVEN'T DRAWN MY LIL EDGY BOY IN SO LONG... I MISSED HIM...
alt version with less effects under the cut!
#my art#the colorless#mikhail#wow i am DUSTING OFF old tags#i also used to use 'edgequad 2.0' buuuut ehhhh colorless' tags are still in all those posts its fine#so for context: colorless is an oc i made in like 2017ish?#he started off as just 'what if scatter was evil' before being fleshed out into a whole character a la darkiplier style#the backstory is my original sona split himself into facets of his personality: id ego and superego#and mikhail was the id who then oops got traumatized and now hates his other personalities#but then Plot Things Happen and now the 3 of em are just kinda like disaster brothers#... plus their demon they adopted. His name is Scoot Scoot. yes he is literally a demon.#... can u believe i made them all before questioning if i was part of a system myself#he was gonna have his hoodie on but i was struggling on the sleeves soooo scarf+tshirt boye#i love him a lot okay#im actually really happy with how this turned out esp the hands i really tried on the hands this time#ocs#my ocs#edgesquad 2.0
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SIGH you know what's so frustrating????? i keep being stuck on that nsfw viktuuri fic (or like i keep writing it in tiny bits bcs i just can't get a good writing flow going) and i think what would rlly help me would be having sb read what i have so far and like!! consult it w me and give me encouragement and stuff. but. the yoi buds i do have are either not into nsfw stuff (totally fair) or i'm not close enough with to ask for something like that AND ALSO I AM SO AFRAID OF BEING JUDGED ESPECIALLY SINCE THE THING IS JUST A DRAFT THAT I KNOW NEEDS FIXING IN A FEW ASPECTS
#i've been writing this for over a year now pls help me...... i love the fic and really want to get it out there but it's such a struggle#gif of lamenting emoji disintegrating#btw i am afraid both of my writing being judged and of my total self-indulgence being judged 👍 so that's fun#CHANTING FIC IS MEANT TO BE SELF-INDULGENT FIC IS MEANT TO BE SELF-INDULGENT YOU HAVE NO ONE TO ANSWER TO#i don't even feel bad about it for myself but then as soon as other people some into the picture suddenly i have catholic guilt or whatever#(in reality i'm just traumatized by fandom drama and people being judged for their preferences esp those concerning smut)#neptalks
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the urge to overshare on the internet vs. the fear of being a burden to my friends and worrying yall
#sighs. sighs#i. uh#im sorry#i love u all#so much#none of this is your fault#i just#you know when i said today was my origially planned date but i wasnt gonna do it#yeah#well#that aged terribly#i dont know#i think there are a lot of benefits to me killing myself but i dont wanna traumatize anyone and i dont want anyone to mourn me#i wish i could just fade away#have nobody remember me#if i do stop being a fucking coward and actually go through with it. just rmember that i love you. so so so fucking much#you guys are some of the best people in the world#dont ever forget it#cicadas vent tag
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