#the love of not being traumatized by myself =)
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The Time We Have
The Time We Have campaign ends soon and I REALLY want as many people as possible to experience this game. I also wanna talk about my experiences playing it!!
I've played this game twice so far. Once was private, with my friend @rowanzeoli, and once on recording for One Shot, with @morebluebs
I have brothers, but I didn't grow up with brothers, and there's the whole "raised a girl" thing so I was a little worried that the dynamic would be too unrelatable for me to truly get the most out of the game. OH! I was wrong.
I would never lay all my emotional cards out on the table for public consumption, because goodness knows that's not healthy to do. Trust me, the game Elliot and I played is emotional, and real, but still has a thin filter of the public boundary layered over it. But in that private game with Rowan I really, really did put it all out, as did she. I sat locked inside my bathroom with Rowan on the other side, and realized that I was playing through a scenario I spend a lot of time thinking about as a chronically sick person - saying goodbye and knowing I'm leaving people behind. Rowan was playing my little brother, someone who felt like I already had abandoned him when I left him home on his own with our homophobic parents. And then, in that moment, I'm leaving again forever, and won't be able to protect him from the horrors outside.
Gang, in all these years being sick, I've gone to so much therapy about confronting mortality, and how to cope with those anxieties. Sitting in that closed white room and playing out my own end of life with someone I love so much took a blacklight to all the unseen critters that I did not realize were crawling through the sheets of my subconscious. And of course that's not enough, because games aren't therapy*, but those are things I now talk about, with my loved ones, with my therapist, with myself. And when that door re-opened and I hugged Rowan we were 10 times the friends we were before. We sat on my couch with a drink, pulling on all the loose threads that the game experience made us aware of and unraveling them with each other. Identity and love and unfinished business and how we are all burdened by each other and why that is beautiful. I learned her life story, she learned mine, we shared insights and wisdom and every so often we kept pointing back to something that was said in that game that lit that part of our real self up.
Playing through themes like this is something that a few years ago, I would never have touched. I came into the hobby a little traumatized and green and I just wasn't ready to use games in this kind of deep and existential way. It was all escapism, no introspection. This game in particular makes me feel so grateful that I've gotten to a place where games can be as deep and as uncomfortable for me as they have the capacity to be.
I think this game is a little window to Elliot's enormous heart, and it speaks directly to mine, and I hope others will love it all the same.
Go back the game please:
*games are like, a little bit therapy. I know that's taboo to say, but like. Lots of things are therapy. These things are not so black and white. I could say more but that's not what this is about.
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Jmart is just like squidbob but if squidward was the main character and spongebob had parental issues and suicidal depression
#tma#the magnus archives#jmart#jonathan sims#martin blackwood#teaholding#jonmartin#i love making connections and finding patterns and being five years old#also squidward would be the one with the holes in this specific scenario i suppose#and patrick is hiding his traumatic past behind jokes and flower patterned clothing#and sandy is dead#and oh my god mr krabs......#actually craxking myself up really badly thinking about a tmaxspongebob au i think im gonna sleep
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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Since making this post, I've found myself swinging like a pendulum between "I was too absolutist in the OP, there probably are some people who have gotten some form of trauma through reading or watching a movie" and "I still don't believe anyone has been traumatized through reading or watching a movie because I haven't seen any evidence of that happening, nor an explanation of how it would happen." Certainly, if someone stumbles away from a book/movie/podcast/etc with trauma symptoms, they deserve full support and recovery. But from everything I know about trauma (I am not an accredited expert and don't know everything), that isn't likely to happen. I'm not convinced our brains don't make clear distinctions between being in life-threatening danger and sitting in a comfortable chair with our eyes on a page or screen. The edge cases I've been presented with have usually had a pretty clear real-life culprit aside from, or at least in strong addition to, the book/movie (abusive family won't let you turn the horror movie off-->this is a context for trauma even if the movie was a comedy).
Nobody owes me information about their personal health and if, after reading my post, someone goes "Yeah, we shouldn't use 'traumatized' as an exaggeration or term of condemnation for media, but I really am traumatized after reading Bridge to Terebithia and I'll keep using that word," more power to them. Several people, though, have responded with more general claims, as you have, that amount to "But fiction can cause trauma," without backing this statement up. (This is the part where the hornets' nest swings back: don't worry, I'm a swarm of very lazy and pedantic hornets.) To tell me, in effect, "Your brain can't tell the difference between watching 2012 and surviving an actual earthquake," you're asking me to make a pretty big shift in my understanding of how brains and people work, and I'm not willing to go that far just because someone tells me so. There's a chapter early in The Body Keeps the Score where Bessel van der Kolk talks about brain scans he did with two survivors of a car accident to measure the physical impact of PTSD, and at this moment in time, I don't believe the same brain rewiring has ever happened as a result of reading about a car accident.
(Someone brought up vicarious trauma, but all the examples I can find of vicarious trauma relate to media coverage or secondhand experience of real-life tragedies. To speak very briefly from personal experience, a loved one's sudden death can cause/be a vicarious trauma even if you don't witness it firsthand. Reading Bridge to Terebitha isn't equivalent to having a real person in your life die suddenly. It's actually very significant that when you close the book, your friends and loved ones are still alive!)
I'm wondering if, as a society who cares about vulnerable people, we could stop saying "traumatize" when we truly mean "upset"?
I am sick of hearing sad books or movies "traumatize" their readers. I simply do not believe that happens. A traumatic experience might be adjacent to books (I have vivid memories of books I was reading around certain experiences and even how the contents of those books affected my processing of the experiences). But it's not caused by the book. And, y'know. The weather is Christofascist Censorship Attempts outside.
Meanwhile from the other side I continue to be surprised at just how badly people fail to understand trauma and traumatic experiences in general. Watering down the term isn't helping. Find other hyperbole to express that The Bridge to Terebithia gutted you, chewed on your heartstrings, and made you cry your first pair of contact lenses right out of your preteen eyes.
#I'd use 'traumatized' to either mean 'developed symptoms of PTSD or at least acute stress disorder'#or 'went through something widely known to be a potential cause of PTSD or acute stress disorder'#-even if you don't develop the symptoms you still have the aftereffects#such as the funeral to plan and the dead loved one's absence in your life#I know books and movies don't do the latter (you walk out of 2012 and the world is still standing) so the conversation is about the former#here it's the matter of evidence#it's possible that the people with PTSD from fiction just haven't been accounted for by trauma researchers#but I don't want to base our discourse about literature or trauma on hypotheticals when we have urgent realities#(book-banning and people who have been through real traumas)
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hey guys who wants another round of tmi
#ive been#this entire day has been a lot and i have no idea how to feel about it#i've never cried this much in an entire day and i can't stop myself from tearing up but it's not because of something sad or traumatic i'm#not used to being loved. or appreciated. or meant to feel like i belong anywhere. i've struggled with being excluded and ostracized and it#has been an uphill battle for a long time and deep down despite my many attempts to heal and get better i've always felt like something was#fundamentally wrong with me. it has been wrong with me from the start and whatever evidence to the contrary ive gotten was rationalised awa#by fluke or maybe people like me because of what i can provide and what i can do for them and not because of who i am and who i am will#always be tolerated or ignored at best and i genuinely was not expecting anyone but a few close friends to care about this and just. andjus#i think something in me is healing and it's still hard to accept but i can conceptualize it and any negative thought in my brain is being#countered by “hey why would you think that when people care about you” and i know it is obvious right. its something i should know but it#has always been so hard to believe that anyone would and the fact that it's hitting right now? i cant fucking stop crying#its almost fucking embarrassing im like this. im a grown ass adult. why the fuck am i still crying like this. i fucking hate trauma man#keeps making me feel like im that kid who was never loved in the ways that mattered. sorry im just#thankful. grateful. i feel like some parts of that gaping wound is stitching itself together and i cant stop crying and for once im not#crying because i'm being hurt. i'm just grateful to be here. genuinely fucking grateful that i'm alive#funny isnt it. how much love can save you if you let it#tmi#rant#embarrassed myself enough i think#sorry about that we'll go to our regularly scheduled ghoap program soon enough#i'll be okay
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#gamers dont you love it when a friend breaks your heart#smashes every olive branch you extend toward them#accuses you of being the asshole when you fall apart about it#acts like they are sorry#and then just fully ghosts you 100%?#i am so fucking tempted to just give up man.#every time i meet someone and im like#''oh wait they seem normal? not hyperindividualistic? like someone who will like me always not just when im happy?''#''someone who wants to be my FRIEND not just a person in a discord call with me??''#and then i spread myself so fucking thin investing energy into the friendship#(which this person admitted wasn't even ENOUGH like i am SO EXHAUSTED from traumatic abandonment#and losing friends suddenly#that even me working at my MAXIMUM CAPACITY makes people feel like i don't like them)#every fucking time.#nothing turns out different. no matter how much work i put into it#the SECOND a person has the chance to abandon me. they will.#i am just sitting here with two forces inside of me#one who never wants to give up on love and friendship#and another who is so tired#i wish i could just be exhausted and burnt out#and someone or several someones. would love me anyways. love me enough that EVENTUALLY#i will grow my heart back#and i can love them threefold for all the love they showed me#but no one wants me even when i do have the energy to be a good friend so why the fuck would anyone want me like this#dude i am so sad i wasn't meant to live like this i was meant to make friends. close friends.#i just keep re-reading our last conversation before he ghosted me. maybe if i read it enough i can change the ending
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Ashes Of Love Run Yu
#i enjoy traumatizing myself#there are scenes i still refuse to touch and this was one of them but i'm being brave about it#i'm sorry about this please enjoy#😥😥😥😥🥺#ashes of love#xiang mi chen chen jin ru shuang#香蜜沉沉烬如霜#run yu#luo yunxi#leo luo#mf aol#my:gif
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Response: I need help. I have to think deeply and I do not know anybody who will help me. It is uncomfortable to think, and especially so when one must make oneself vulnerable to do so. But here it is: I'm trying to be vulnerable and explain myself clearly; writing my thoughts. I'm reposting this here because it gave me hope. It gave me pause. It spoke to me deeply. It is kinky--but it really carried a level of introspection about the nexus of kink and shame and power and disgust and pain and pleasure and arousal. Paperfeedee laid a finger on how these all share in a close connection to one another. Her post describes perfectly the insane network of social signifying practices and intuitions that I have, and that I always imagine other people have. Not everybody as I am. I mean to say that this post of hers was, is, and shall continue to be enlightening. I have been a part of the feedist kink scene since some time in the early 2000's. Scary to think of myself wandering all over the internet like that. But anyway, even so, all this never once thought that I have internalized fat phobia. And, just like is described in Paperfeedee's post, there are elements of my kink that I am now realizing that I might have to disentangle from that fearful place. I caught a glimpse of what that might be like. There's a complex story about why my kink is closely tied to fat phobia, and maybe I'll get to speak it someday, but I have always wanted to gain weight. I've always considered myself a feeder switch, but I've had some v e r y intense sex dreams about being fed and fattened--none have been about feeding others. And yet, for as much as I enjoy overeating, indulging in fattening foods, and the idea becoming fatter and fatter, I've never been able to do so. I've blamed my bad (very efficient) metabolism; I've blamed my inability to buy enormous quantities of fast food on the regular; I've blamed my partner for being unwilling to be my feeder. I never looked to myself. Each of these things (enjoy overeating; love fattening food; want to be fat) is also tied in significant ways to formative, stressful, and traumatic times in my life. I won't get into them now. Suffice it to say that each thing, for as desirable as it is, is also overloaded with shame, discomfort, and is incredibly connected to my libido. Here is the nitty-gritty. I do not want to demonize anybody, least of all myself, for having the particular flavor of fetish that they do. I think that shame, discomfort, and arbitrary over-significance play crucial roles in the way that I experience sexual pleasure. Fear and helplessness is singed onto the texture of my jouissance. But what I think is most salient about Paperfeedee's post here is that it makes the case for the way that identification in phobia is sustained by the fascination it makes of the object of its fear. Identification is a process whereby a relationship between more than one thing and itself is defined, sustained, and elaborated. So, when I see someone in the store buying groceries and I notice how fat they are, that they have a lot of junk food, and my mind goes racing as it is wont to do about what an unrepentant glutton this person must be (etc.), I have participated in the process of identification. Phobia is a kind of identification that places the thing that is desirable at as far a distance from the self as possible. This distant relationship is a relationship nonetheless. The "Subconscious Hint" that Paperfeedee mentions here indicates precisely the way that this distance is a relationship, and one of the most intimate kind. My most intense sex dreams (or maybe just all my sex dreams) are about getting fat. Yet I'm afraid of what people will think if I get fat; frustrated that I can't do it; worried for the consequences; don't have the right body for it; etc. SO I think that I have been afraid of getting fat. I have neglected to examine the ways that my interest in feedism and fat fetishism have sustained these fears. I have never looked at the way that these fears could sustain the fetish.
I think that I have gleaned something about how the 'subconscious hint' leads to the inversion of the phobic dynamic in my personal case. I PROMISE that I will be thinking about this post for a very long time to come. I'm sorry if you are already tired of hearing me go on and on about this shit, because I am going to be on this for...ever? But to come back to the main point of this thread: I need help. I would like to use what I've learned here in order to examine the way that I sabotage my weight gain. I may try to gain weight, I may just allow myself to identify with the fear-object in a way that is emancipatory and also erases the fear from the relation. I can let someone else be afraid of my fat ass! I can hear that shitty fat-phobic comment that someone makes about how much I am eating and feel butterflies or go find a room and jerk off about it. I have become that which I rejected. I have embraced the part of myself that I shunned. I do not want to use my fetish as an excuse to sustain fat phobia. The point is that I will need help in thinking about this. (And also maybe tell me I'm looking fatter.) Thank you, and have a good night.
back when I was still thin and had yet to discover the whole "really into making myself unrecognizably fat" fetish, I still had like, a preoccupation with fat people that usually alternated between being super judgemental and being terrified that I'd get fat, which was like, definitely some kind of subconscious hint at like, man, I'm going to find out something crazy in a couple of years, but anyway
I distinctly remember grocery shopping with one of my friends in college, and seeing a woman who was pretty fat buying like, little debbie cakes and whatnot and just like, could not stop talking about it to my friend, could not let go of it, could not stop harping on "how does a person let themselves get that fat? how can you be that fat and not be trying to lose weight? how are you not embarrassed to be that fat and be seen buying those?" Even my friend had to ask like, what is your damage with this random woman?
anyway, obviously that wasn't cool of me and I've clearly gone on my own ✨️journey✨️ with confronting internalized fatphobia since then, but like knowing now that I have fully become that woman in the grocery store is like, part self actualization, probably part karmic retribution, and all like, getting to live a peak horny fantasy for me now, and I'm so here for it
(especially since my favorite grocery store is right next door to this really big, really nice gym, so it's just me and all the Lululemon wearin ass pilates baddies at the grocery store together)
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Ok but thinking back to how I was in elementary and middle school: I had such disdain for other kids who broke the rules, that I irrationally hated a whole bunch of kids — kids I would have made good friends with — all because I couldn’t stand the fact that they engaged in conflicts with, and affronts to authority figures or standards.
It even went as far as internally mocking a kid my age — calling him “Mama’s Boy” in my head — over the fact that his mother whispered comments into his ear, which he mumbled unintelligibly into the mic, and then would fall asleep as if dead on her arm. I perceived his inability to give comments on his own, and his sleeping, as moral failings of both mother and child; because I wasn’t raised like that. And maybe, those feelings also came from jealousy. I was expected to fight off sleep all the time because I could read at a college level in third grade, and could theoretically understand the material presented at the meetings despite it still being inappropriate for my age group.
I was so far deep into the “bad associations spoil useful habits” mindset that it made me hate my fellow neurodivergents — kids I would have been friends with — who maybe couldn’t hide it as well as I could. That is beyond fucked up. Now, I work with those very kids I disliked so much as a child, and guess what? They are my absolute favorite people to be around; and many of them remind me of myself.
#exjw#ableism tw#I’m also just very uptight about rules anyway; so the whole cult thing did not help that part of me At All#I often find myself more concerned with doing things “correctly” than I am with doing the right thing in non-serious scenarios#and it’s kind of scary because like… how much of a sheep am I?#Would I torture someone if an authority figure I trusted ordered me to because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do?#Most of it comes from a desire for consistency: If [x] happens; then do [y]. So every time [x] happens; [y] is the correct response#and this — like the laws of physics — Cannot Change#Except of course the real world is vague and variable and there is a lot of grey area to work with in coming up with solutions#so doing [y] when [x] happens may make things worse than if you do [z] instead#This makes a lot more sense when you consider I was taught how to play chess at a very young age by my father#who bragged about being a “chess player” with regard to real world problems#Yes chess is strategy; but you’re also playing on a grid and your movements are entirely restricted by the rules of gameplay#My father can’t leave the cult that traumatized him because he loves Jehovah#he can’t go to the meetings to serve the god he loves because it triggers his trauma#he can’t talk to a therapist about his religious trauma to get over it because he would be defaming Jehovah#If life is a game of chess then he’s checkmated#But here’s the thing: the game is imaginary and the rules are made up#Viewing real life as a chess board is extremely unhealthy for your free will#Which is why in this essay about Nineteen Eighty Four I will—
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If your life circumstances have always required from you an abnormal amount of strength and resilience, I see you. If your inner child lets out a small sob anytime someone compliments you on that strength, I see you. If that strength translates to you being some form of domineering/abrasive because you learned early on that your lot in life was to take care of yourself because nobody else ever did, I see you. If you are so fucking angry all the time and can't pinpoint why, I see you. If you've had to watch as people you care about continue to abandon you in adulthood because you grew up to be type A, controlling and assertive, I see the fuck out of you. It's not your fault that nobody ever gave you a soft place to land so that you could be your true self. And I won't inundate you with condescending platitudes about how you'll find your person/people one day.
Some of us are lucky, but to depend on external sources for your well being is a crap shoot. I won't tell you to keep looking for your home in other people. Home is where you are. Take that strength you've painstakingly cultivated since you were a child, and quadruple it. Become bulletproof, unbreakable. Don't let anyone else find a fault line in you to exploit ever again.
#personal#as someone who tried the route of opening myself up and trusting others even though every fiber in my traumatized body screamed NO#i have been predictably disappointed over and over and over again#i'm not saying isolate yourself necessarily but cultivate a small circle lock it in and stop desiring others to fulfill you#take what you get as a bonus in life but stop thinking that your fulfillment comes from family and romantic relationships#there's a reason these relationships are the most abusive#the more attached you are the weaker you are i hate to say it#and i swear abusers can smell it on you#make peace with the possibility of being solitary in life because until you do others will always be able to control you#i'm sorry that you were fed lies about love and human connection#but the reality is that to most people you are an npc in their life#men are not waiting to be your happily ever after or to finally let you rest after a lifetime of abuse#no matter WHAT they say or how convincingly#if you're a woman seeking a man know that they primarily desire to fuck you and to possess you as a status symbol. that's it.#listen i used to be a love is all you need girl but experience and copious amounts of therapy have taught me that i am all i need.#childhood trauma#childhood abuse#abusive relationships#narcissistic parents#btw this is not an invitation to try and prove me wrong i am happy to have mutuals i interact with#but i am no longer taking applications for new friends or partners#after careful culling the remaining family and friends i have love and care for me just fine i am more than satisfied#now that i've learned how to actually love myself properly there is no void i need others to fill#if i never got close to a new person again i'd be MORE than alright
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I HAVEN'T DRAWN MY LIL EDGY BOY IN SO LONG... I MISSED HIM...
alt version with less effects under the cut!
#my art#the colorless#mikhail#wow i am DUSTING OFF old tags#i also used to use 'edgequad 2.0' buuuut ehhhh colorless' tags are still in all those posts its fine#so for context: colorless is an oc i made in like 2017ish?#he started off as just 'what if scatter was evil' before being fleshed out into a whole character a la darkiplier style#the backstory is my original sona split himself into facets of his personality: id ego and superego#and mikhail was the id who then oops got traumatized and now hates his other personalities#but then Plot Things Happen and now the 3 of em are just kinda like disaster brothers#... plus their demon they adopted. His name is Scoot Scoot. yes he is literally a demon.#... can u believe i made them all before questioning if i was part of a system myself#he was gonna have his hoodie on but i was struggling on the sleeves soooo scarf+tshirt boye#i love him a lot okay#im actually really happy with how this turned out esp the hands i really tried on the hands this time#ocs#my ocs#edgesquad 2.0
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SIGH you know what's so frustrating????? i keep being stuck on that nsfw viktuuri fic (or like i keep writing it in tiny bits bcs i just can't get a good writing flow going) and i think what would rlly help me would be having sb read what i have so far and like!! consult it w me and give me encouragement and stuff. but. the yoi buds i do have are either not into nsfw stuff (totally fair) or i'm not close enough with to ask for something like that AND ALSO I AM SO AFRAID OF BEING JUDGED ESPECIALLY SINCE THE THING IS JUST A DRAFT THAT I KNOW NEEDS FIXING IN A FEW ASPECTS
#i've been writing this for over a year now pls help me...... i love the fic and really want to get it out there but it's such a struggle#gif of lamenting emoji disintegrating#btw i am afraid both of my writing being judged and of my total self-indulgence being judged 👍 so that's fun#CHANTING FIC IS MEANT TO BE SELF-INDULGENT FIC IS MEANT TO BE SELF-INDULGENT YOU HAVE NO ONE TO ANSWER TO#i don't even feel bad about it for myself but then as soon as other people some into the picture suddenly i have catholic guilt or whatever#(in reality i'm just traumatized by fandom drama and people being judged for their preferences esp those concerning smut)#neptalks
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the urge to overshare on the internet vs. the fear of being a burden to my friends and worrying yall
#sighs. sighs#i. uh#im sorry#i love u all#so much#none of this is your fault#i just#you know when i said today was my origially planned date but i wasnt gonna do it#yeah#well#that aged terribly#i dont know#i think there are a lot of benefits to me killing myself but i dont wanna traumatize anyone and i dont want anyone to mourn me#i wish i could just fade away#have nobody remember me#if i do stop being a fucking coward and actually go through with it. just rmember that i love you. so so so fucking much#you guys are some of the best people in the world#dont ever forget it#cicadas vent tag
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FUCK. I hate having to make adult financial decisions.
#the problem is. TECHNICALLY I've been saving to move out#but until my monthly pay is 1. stable and 2. a lil better that is simply not a sustainable achievable goal#and now . i have enough money to actually afford lasik.#which i want very badly bc i hate wearing glasses cause it inhibits me doing activities i love and enjoy#but equally i fucking HATE spending money like i cant comprehend things being more than like. £100#and this would be a 4 figure sum of money#thats. too many figures. and i feel like i shouldnt ever use it for something that isnt life threatening#but also it Would enable me to like... go to gigs. perform. work out. manage my migraines.#i just cant bring myself to spend money on a large scale. i remember not too long ago when i had less than £60 to my name in the world#having the ability to spend money on something just For Me thats more substantial than. say. a £30 gig ticket#is absolutely foreign to me#and it makes me sick with fear that if i ever spend it ill be two months from risking homelessness again even though#logically i know im in a stable home right now#anyway!!! poverty is traumatic as fuck and if jobs paid a real living wage for a weeks work maybe i would be able to be normal about this!!!
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i know I must be pretty normal cause my last two and most significant long running relationships ended with one of us in the mental hospital + one of us in jail. respectively
#if the tables had been turned i would blame karma but i was the one who got screwed over first. also in my defense i had talked myself out#of killing myself but my ex didnt care and they forced me into the psych ward so they wouldnt have to deal with me#and not to seem so victimized but i didnt even call the cops on the second instance. i didnt even press charges. i didnt want anything to do#with any of it#i couldnt love my ex after they did what they did cause the psych ward and the hospitla were traumatizing for me it was a horrifying#dehumanizing experience and they didnt really care. and i wish things had gone the other way around because i love x so much and both times#i landed him in jail i didnt press charges and id never want to it wouldnt do anyone any good and it wouldnt teach him any lesson and like..#where is the line with me?#i left him but i do still love him. i dont think i could survive being with him and i do feel optimistic about my future sometimes without#him cause wow that was...heavy. but i dont understand....he really made me feel like shit once and i deliberately overdosed and he took me#to uc and he actually stood next to me and talked them out of taking me back to the psych ward because i freaked out so bad and he always#listened when i would tell him about how horrible it was.#and when he did that i thought it was a sign of how things were going to be different this time around. because he wouldnt do that to me.#well i guess i did it to him
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stopping my bg3 shenanigans for the night but I stopped at a VERY good/interesting spot Durge-wise and need to think about my next move
#my diary#the game's been out for over a year at this point is it safe to talk spoilers?#did we ever collectively decide what's a fair grace period for this kind of thing?#anyway Evil Butler wants me to kill a certain NPC cleric and man!!! not her!!!! I love her!!!!!!!#I might have to end up spoiling myself LMAO I gotta look up the consequences of my decisions rq#murdering the bard in act 1 traumatized me LMAO I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT BEING EVIL SORRY#update okay I did a little bit of cheeky googling and I think resisting will end up being more interesting#but I might try branching my saves#and killing them just to see what happens >:^)
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