#thats. too many figures. and i feel like i shouldnt ever use it for something that isnt life threatening

[calamitys-child]

FUCK. I hate having to make adult financial decisions.

[actualbird]

my friend brought up the idea of vyn x artem (and is too much of a coward to send an ask himself), thoughts?

think of the,, comedic value,, You Cannot Hide Your Feelings From The Psychiatrist

oHOHOHOOOO!!! oh anon (and anon's friend hehe), thank you so much this ask!!!! see, ive thought a lot about vynluke and vynmarius but not much about vynartem yet tho so this ask excited me a LOT

okay i wanna go into characterization stuffs bout this pairing first. vyn and artem together are very interesting to me because since theyre in the late twenties gang, theyre both similar in the sense that theyre not as obvious about the emotions (in comparison to the early twenties gang), they both repress themselves or their emotions or desires one way or another. if these two caught feelings for each other, yes, it would be hilarious for the reason u said, artem would immediately try to hide his feelings. but like VYN WOULD TOO, LOLLLL. like yes, i know that vyn in canon is forward about his affections in a subtle elegant kind of way, but at the same time, vyn does sooooo much emotional hiding of his own. if artem hides his feelings, vyn hides himself.

i think that for peak hilarity vibes, vyn would catch feelings first. and the moment this happens hes like "well. this isnt good." and then since hes so hugely perceptive he knows that artem doesnt reciprocate (wrong, artem just hasnt realized his feelings yet, in this situation, so theres no feelings to notice from him yet because ARTEM DOESNT KNOW, ARTEM IS SO BAD AT FEELINGS, HE'S DEFINITELY GOT LAG TIME in terms of figuring things out, fight me) and then vyn is like "understood. i will be repressing these feelings forever now." and then when artem DOES realize his feelings and vyn notices this vyn is like "BUT I ALREADY WENT THROUGH ALL THE EFFORT OF HIDING MY HEART AND MYSELF IN A CONVOLUTED MAZE OF DEFLECTION CONTROL...." and we know artem has HUGE TROUBLE doing anything emotionally forward so like....

the funniest vynartem situation, for me, would be like

THAT ASIDE THO, I THINK VYNARTEM WOULD BE RLLY SOFT THOUGH LIKE......

vyn richter who is so resigned to the world the people in it being cruel growing past the need to throw shots at artem (never gonna forget "after all, i have two doctorate degrees, whereas artem only has one" iconic) and realizing that artem is...much too kind for his own good. realizing that artem isnt worried about the world being bad, hes worried about himself failing that world. as vyn falls in love with artem, he'd wonder that artem is too good for this world. maybe, artem is too good for vyn as well, vyn would think. some nights, vyn thinks about being forward with his feelings, but he stops himself so many times because he wonders just what a good person like artem wing would do if he saw who vyn really is, all those things from his past he hides, all those insecurities he keeps under lock and key.

artem wing who is so scared of not being perfect growing past the need to be defensive against vyn who seems to be the picture of perfection, completely in control of everything about himself in a way artem envies, and realizing that...vyn is doing this because hes hiding, because hes scared. artem believes vyn is good as well, but so much of that good is smothered with smokescreens by vyn himself, as if if he lets his goodness shine clear, something will come out and strike him at his weakpoints. as artem falls in love with vyn, he'd wonder that somebody like vyn shouldnt have to be scared. artem wants to reach out, shed the his own shields and be sincere, and artem doesnt care that he knows he'll be clumsy about his sincerity, because....because some nights, artem's heart yearns to be the one to make vyn never have to be scared ever again.

vynartem, to me, is a love story between two men who are so absolutely used to hiding parts of themselves they think are undesirable but then like...deciding to be brave, eventually. deciding to be sincere no matter how hard it is, because they both believe in the other so much.

BUT ALSO WATCHING THIS LOVE STORY WOULD BE FUCKING EXCRUCIATING. early twenties nxx gang tryna set them up be like

mc and marius holding a cup to the door of the room vyn and artem are in alone

mc: marius, youve been hogging the cup for forever! what are they saying!!!

marius: thats the thing, they arent saying anything!!! are they just....sitting in silence together??

luke: they are, oh my god, they are

mc and marius, looking to luke who has his smartglasses on, projecting surveillance footage of the room

mc: LUKE!! I SAID NOT TO USE SURVEILLANCE TECH FOR THIS, THIS MAKES OUR MATCHMAKING FEEL....ILLEGAL

luke: BUT IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN USING A CUP TO THE DOOR

marius: fuck morals, gimme the glasses, i wanna SEE

luke: WHAT, MARIUS, GET OFF OF ME, ACK

vyn and artem inside the room, playing online chess, hearing muffled noises of struggle outside the door.

artem in the chess chat: do you think we should tell them we know theyre out there? and that we already got together last week?

vyn: no, i think we should let them suffer for all the matchmaking they did. also, check.

[tiens-letters]

upon autumns day, where you and I met. upon autumns day where I remember all of what we were before youve passed. and upon autumns day would I have ever so slowly let go of that pain of the past

zhongli (angst)

@albeidoof its somewhere here hehehe

Time was a luxury. A treasure each and everything holds.

Yet time is a curse as well. It covets, devours and leaves. which humanity neglects to cherish until the heart ceases its steady rythmn, only then do they regret of the wasted minutes, hours and seconds.

Beneath the flow of the rushing waves of things that have come and gone. Only on this particular day would he sit beneath a certain tree. The rough bark brushing up against his back as leaves fell effortlessly to the ground, as if it were ready to let go of from the branches that gave birth to it, only to return once again to the waiting soil.

It was a sunny afternoon, clear of any clouds and only clear unblemished blue, a good time to enjoy a warm cup of tea yet there was no energy in his bones to even move from where he was.

He felt exhausted. Desultory even.

Gone were the halcyon days of the past, and now the present time of the vivid reality he had to face.

Morax, rex lapis, the geo archon. Names that weighted more than one could carry, memories that shackled his soul that lived for a thousand years on end, all but a stain that could never be washed away.

The breeze slowly danced in, playing with his hair softly, kissing his skin and welcoming him. It carried a hint of aromatic essence only he would know belongs to.

You.

He tried to desperately recount the days after youve left the face of the earth and yet he could not remember or did his mind not allow him to as if he did, it would bring him terrible and heavy consequences for an answer, one sane mind would never want to know.

Sighing, he sat back and recalled back the memories of you instead. When you were alive, warm and breathing in his arms. He remembers the way your eyes would shine brightly whenever he would be around, or the small sound of delight you would make when you have finished another one of the many interesting blends of tea youve done over the course of a week of mixing different flowers and tea leaves. Youve made up quite the fortune with this as your little hobby bloomed into a fully run business known across teyvat.

"Zhongli." he froze, youve never called him by his name ever since youve started getting close, it made him feal uneasy as he turned to look at you who stood by the doorway, a neutral look on your face.

"y-yes?" nervousness clawed at him as he racked his brain to what he couldve done for you to call his name like that, he couldnt think of any.

"I came back from the market and I heard youve made quite the generous payment. Why is that, I wonder?" he's done it again, that spending habit of his

"The price was reasonable for such a fine ceramic tea set, I dont seem to find why it shouldnt reflect its quality?" you sighed as you pointed towards the glass cupboard behind him

"You bought the same exact set a week ago, Zhongli. Thats why." having to realize his mistake after looking over the two identical set that on the shelf, he turned to apologize but only to see you missing from the doorway. Footsteps can be heard from the floorboards above him. You were upset.

After minutes of pacing in the living room, he finally mustered the courage to climb the stairs and enter your shared bedroom. A figure already under the sheets as the warm glow of the lamp illuminated your delicate features. The mattress sunk as he sat beside you, fingers brushing away the stray hair that fell on your face.

"Im still mad at you Zhongli." his hand flinched slightly at the way you called him

"I apologize. I seem to not have learned my lesson again. I would gladly return the set tomorrow."

"Its no use, they dont accept refunds." you replied without sparing a glance at him

"What can I do for you to forgive me then?"

"Just go to sleep, Zhongli." groaning you reached for the switch to shut the lamp off but a gentle grip stopped you, forcing you to look at his gloomy expression. Perhaps you went too far this time.

"Please stop calling me in that way. I dont like it." he whispers, drawing your palm to his lips, leaving small kisses upon it. He sure does know his way around your heart, no wonder why you could not stay mad at him.

"Just be mindful next time." you cursed yourself for being weak to his charms.

"I will." yet something was missing "Then can you call me as you did before?"

"Zhongli?" you could see the slight grimace in his face as you teased him

"Stop it." he kissed you without warning "Call me as you did before."

However, his lips didnt stop as they began to travel. From your cheeks to you forehead and then to your neck. Oh dear, he wasnt having any of your teasing.

"A-li." you giggled beneath him as he finally stopped and met your gaze

"Thats better."

He still remembers the faint smile that graced your lips whenever he would wake up next to you tangled in the same sheets. The softness of your skin on his calloused touch. Your lips melting his and your voice lulling his raging mind to peace.

Then everything changed when you drew blood that spilled from those lips he's kissed for a thousand times, painting a morbid image on the sheets. Anger and despair boiled inside of him once he learned of the secret youve kept. Zhongli was a calm and collected man all of the time except when he was with you.

Having to witness him at such a point felt as if his own spear was being driven right through his very chest. He held you in an arms width away, the panic and pain in his eyes increasing over the minute as he begged for you to explain why youve decided to lie about the flowers that bloomed in your lungs, the sickness youve inherited from your deceased mother, whose fate you soon would follow. You didnt want him to find out, not in this way.

He couldve done anything if he knew from the start but alas, you wanted to be cruel, thinking it was for the best. Until your symptoms persisted, a heavy reminder of the remaining distance of the string you have to walk on to reach the end. The heavy feeling in your chest started to worsen as cherry sweet liquid poured from your mouth.

Soon the once pristine sheets were stained in haunting crimson shades as you heaved and he watched in agony. If only he had the ability of what he once had back then, if only he could plant the seeds of the flowers from yours to his then he would, if only he hadnt met you one autumn evening

" please dont look at me like that. " you told him, cold hands caressing his cheeks, catching the streams of salty warm beads that fell freely from your darling's amber eyes.

"Im sorry. Im so sorry..." the last thing you wanted to see was this man to cry. The last thing you wanted to see was to see him relive the past tragic memories you promised to bring him out of

" my disease has nothing to do with you. In the end it was mine alone to handle. oh, you are far from that so please dont you ever blame yourself."

"How can I not? If I havent fallen so deep then you would experienced so much more in life, you couldve been happier if you met someone else. Yet you chose me and I couldnt give you anything, I--. " the words knotted up as he began to shake, hands holding yours as knuckles turned to white

You slapped him.

With all the strength youve gathered in that fading body of yours. The sound cutting the grieving sounds that spilled from him, soul and flesh alike.

"A-li, look at me. Do I look like someone whose unsatisfied with what youve given me? Did my smile ever fade when Im with you? Did your affections ever lack? Answer me." his watery gaze met yours, a torrent of emotions swimming in them

"No. Never." a soft smile was carved unto your lips

"My dear, youve given me all Ive ever wanted in this life and I regret nothing of it."

To him, you were the flower that bloomed at the highest peak of the mountain he's never reached and yet its petals voluntarily detached and fell down, making him the happiest as one thing he's admired was untouchable and now, lay softly in the palm of his hands. To cherish and to protect.

But of course, all things are evanescent.

The familiar feeling of soreness that wasnt supposed to be there rose, ebbed and flowed through his throat. He knew it all too well, it was after he woke from his week long slumber did he feel it along with what his ancient beating heart felt.

"You collapsed." the worried words of the qixing echoed in his head. He frantically got up but as soon as his feet touched the floor did his legs give out underneath him, what use was he in this sorry state. He was helped up and sat back on the edge of the bed.

He wanted to ask many things yet was unable to.

Ningguang spoke as if you were still breathing and was visiting her minutes ago with another one of your tea blends. "Dont worry and rest first, go to jueyun karst after. They will be waiting."

To where the adepti resides, who as well, favored you, that one soul among thousands of others. One to which they shared a few good memories with was allowed to slumber there in peace.

Zhongli found himself waking up to the sun setting in the horizon. Just like how youve gone and resurfaced back into his memories. It was time.

He stood up from where he sat, gloved hands brushing any dirt that clung to him as he made his way to where you slept.

The red bean that was planted by himself still remained, a token of his love for you. Picking one bead and placing it inside the hollow dice he brought along, completing another one of the similar handicraft he's made every visit.

The sun finally died and the moon began its reign. The small wisps of light gathered around before him, forming a blurry image.

It was then he felt at ease, he saw you smiling at him with all there is in the world. Your light seemed to dim a little, hinting the blessing the adepti gave was slowly diminishing. Soon your visits would cease and you were sure that by the end of the power spent, he wouldve let go of the torment that plagued him.

"A-li. Have you been well?" he knew what you meant

"Im letting go slowly my dear. Perhaps in time, I would learn breathe easily once again."

Longest yet lol. Hope yall liked it ehehe

[acotar-shit-thoughts]

MY RE-WRITING PARTS OF THE ACOTAR SERIES

*some acosf spoilers thrown in because i realize that SJM is writing a story so far removed from what i thought the story should go*

*a bit rant-y but i think this would have made the story more compelling*

i still think elain should have died in the cauldron back in ACOMAF and in my logic this would set of a story that will definitely heal and see powerful women who didn’t have power before be able to weld and rise up.

- nesta and feyre is over protective of elain and would do anything for her (and quite frankly elain’s personality is almost none existent. nesta and feyre are fantastic juxtapositions of one another and can carry themselves well)

- killing elain in the cauldron would up the stakes for both feyre and nesta (instead of making the only thing interesting about elain being likeable, gardening, azriel/lucien ships, pretty and agreeable, and bouncing back and forth between sisters)

- therefore forcing them to work together; push aside their personal bad blood for one another in the name of avenging elain

- through that process of strategizing and learning about fae and their own abilities (feyre’s high lord powers and nesta’s power she stole from the cauldron) they learn to appreciate one another. (and since this is a love story, nesta can still train with cassian but it would be BECAUSE SHE ASKED TO BE TRAINED instead of being forced to)

- they would eventually HAVE to confront their deep personal relationship to one another and move pass their old pains (INSTEAD OF MAKING FEYRE ALMOST DIE FROM SOMETHING THAT SHOULDN’T BE AN ISSUE OR ANY OF THE SPITEFUL SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN ACOSF)

- we learn about their family and their dynamics and how they can agree that their father is trash and even talk about the pain their mother gave (where BOTH SISTERS WILL HAVE AN APPRECIATION OF EACH OTHER AND MAKE SURE WHEN THEY HAVE FAMILIES OF THEIR OWN THEY WON’T TREAT THEIR KIDS THE SAME WAY AND EVEN HELPING HUMAN FAMILIES WHO STRUGGLED LIKE THEM)

- no locking anyone up!!!! the self sabotage of nesta won’t happen because she will put her energy into avenging elain; thus fighting for a bigger cause than herself and make her actually use the power she stole. SHE WOULD HAVE AGENCY. NO RELYING ON THE DRINKING/SEX BECAUSE OF PAIN TROPE. NO RHYSAND BEING A FUCKEN DICK AND EVERYONE SHIT TALKING TO NESTA. they can still have that disagreeable dynamic, whatever but rhysand being over protective and everyone else ganging up on her was disgusting and she did not deserve that.

- WE WILL SEE THEM BECOME LEADERS -- they will lead the strategy along w the IC; we will see them lead with the other high lords, we will see them convince the humans. we got glimpses of that in ACOWAR! SJM writes girlbosses which is just *rolls eyes*. lets let these ladies actually LEAD. let them actually have power instead of writing lip service for that. or taking their fucken power away for the drama. (WTF WAS THE FEYRE CAN’T HEAL BULLSHIT?? WHY STIFLE FEYRE WHEN SJM BUILT HER UP IN THE LAST FOUR FUCKEN BOOKS TO BE THIS POWERFUL FIGURE BUT LIKE GIVING BIRTH, A NATURAL THING THAT FEMALES CAN DO, IS GONNA KILL HER AND MAKE HER THE MOST VULNERABLE SHES EVER BEEN AND MAKE RHYSAND LOOK LIKE A SHIT PARTNER CUZ HE REFUSE TO TELL HER ABOUT HER RISKS. JUST FOR THE DRAMA I GUESS???)

- when war is fought and lost; we see them stand together to become the new leaders of the new world. the wall is gone and hybern is killed. again, we got a glimpse of that in ACOWAR at the end. there should have been a moment when fayre confronts tamlin and TALK to him. they seemed so poised to be LEADERS. new leadership because the old high lords are garbage and they fucked up so many times. introduce new policies, introduce new trade deals, beef up economies (esp since this is hyberns main reason to high up prythian), etcetc.

- feyre can work on leading night court as a high lady along with leading the rebuild of spring court (since she fucken wrecked it, displaced all the citizens, and took it from tamlin. feyre also knows about spring court’s rebuilding effort and how the tilthe isn’t it. she even said that tamlin should not make ppl bring useless things because they have so many things. the water folks dont have fish and that tamlin should have helped them hunt for fish or whatever instead of punishing them) and the new laws and policies for humans (can be intigration?? rhys and feyre talked about human refugees??? where did that talk go??). we can actually see feyre be a HIGH lady instead of her spending her days shopping and decorating and breeding (WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WITH TAMLIN and we saw that as a bad thing!!! why spend 600 goddamn pages talking about not being that to turn 180 and be exactly that????)

- feyre’s reason for fighting has also been to the benefit of the human realm. the fact that she kind of said fuck it as the books progressed to where nesta or elain are the ambassador to the human realm felt so wrong because being human once was what was special about feyre. that was her north star. her whole heartedly identifying fae is wrong (maybe this is my theory about ACOTAR being a tragedy comes in).

- nesta would finally be an actual queen. you can’t tell me with all the mentions of nesta having queen energy is gonna translate to whatever the fuck it was in ACOSF??? nesta would get leadership experience. she would have purpose! she might even be able to envision of brighter future and fight to not let something like hybern happen again. protect those who can’t be protected? protect those who see the light in the world the way elain did?? maybe even her power can protect the cauldron and she could be a guardian or something??

- this is where i venture off; after the war, feyre leads the rebuild in prythian. nesta can lead the effort in hybern (AGAIN NO LOCKING UP!!! NO TAKING TIPS FROM TAMLIN’S HANDBOOK. NO FORCING HER AGAINST HER WILL!!!). she could rebuild it in a new name and face. her book could focus on her learning about her power; learning about how to please the hybern folks who dont like her (and i like that nesta isnt a likeable person from the start unless you are someone like meeeee). imagine seeing her ACTUALLY make her own friends and have her own inner circle??? imagine her making new friends and helping others. imagine her ruling??? making policys and laws?? imagine her going to different courts to do economic trades and deals?? she would channel her energy into something HELPFUL AND IMPACTFUL. she can still dance and do the big ball stuff. she can host she can feel like shes in control and maybe even channeling her guilt into something that is systematically helpful.

- along w this, cassian would be able to leave night court. he has been side line for so long. hes a buffer between mor and az and thats unfair to him. hes his own person and shouldnt be deligated to that task. he would have to actively choose nesta, which he wasn’t doing throughout the original trilogy. he would have to be placed in an environment outside his comfort! cassian is so much more than a goof ball and buffer. besides his skills might be necessary to handle hybern’s war-happy citizens

- we can see more of this world. hybern is sitting empty and the problems from the start still exists. im just so disappointed that SJM drops hints of scocio-economic problems that exists in the fae world and dont deliver. why deliver something so complicated to ignore??? its such ashame this world is so rich and beautiful and the characters are so fun to read about and for it to be turn out...so....trope-y (IN A BAD WAY). the original stories are fine too i guess, but it doesn’t feel planned out. it feels like SJM writes on a whim and just changes things as she sees it fit the relationship of characters.

[heleizition]

I am just now finding out about your chosen one au and must know more

ok so i decided to copy paste everything i wrote to my friends when talking about it so its gonna be long Oups ... but it's the most complete ill ever be about it !

so this is set in a universe where gods, old and new are very present and usually they have humans serving them, regularly called chosen ones, every century or so. it's considered an honor and every sanctuary and gods have different missions for their chosen ones and it can go from taking care of the temple every week while being allowed to have their own life to go on a mission to erradicate evil. humans usually know that they are destined to be taken in by gods because of marks on their body, specific to the god(s) they'll serve. the mark starts to glow and guide them to where their god is waiting for them once the god decides they want them.

the story is set on an island stuck between two different temples. on the island stands gotham which is a strangely sunny city,  and then you have the deep sea in the bay, and the deep forest north of gotham. if gotham is mysteriously devoid of bad things, its because it's been giving every century a child to the old gods temple in the deep forest. and time is coming, soon, another one will go.

so here you have the wayne family, they mostly have the same backgrounds ? kind of ? cass's parents were mercenaries that went into the deep forest, where no one (haha) in gotham dares going due to fear of breaking the old gods protections, never came back, and left cass on her own in town. bruce adopted her. dick's parents were travelers on a ship that sailed not far from the island and while they did not survive, the gods in the deep see allowed dick to stay alive until he reached the coast. immm not quite sure of what happened to jason's parents yet but uh he's here and alive woo

damian is a bit of a mystery to most people. he was delivered to bruce's doorstep when he was only a few days old. what they dont know is that nine months earlier bruce went into the deep forest himself. 

so added to that is timothy drake. young boy of the drake family, the two parents who dont seem to care for him much. the boy is quiet but full of smiles and affection to give and when jason and cass drag him to the wayne estate after a day out, bruce opens his arms to him. he's a regular at the wayne house and a few days after he turns 11, he stops showing up. bruce's kids cant find him. the drakes dont seem disturbed by their missing son. and bruce knows the drakes by now, know they wouldnt give their affection to someone they knew would disappear, and bruce realises tim is gone, to the old gods in the deep forest. 

so tim, 11, wakes up sweating and his room lit up with a green light that he's never seen before but in dreams and he knows that it's time. he knows that this strange mark spreading across his back, shaped like a dragon, is glowing green. he's being called.

he moves by himself, not thinking, opens the door to his room and the one that leads outside and it's so fitting when he notices that his parents arent even home, that he'd leave without them caring. soon he's reaching the deep forest and for the first time in his life, when looking at the dark depth, he's not scared, and he walks on. 

tim walks and walks and there are eyes looking at him bu the soft green glow reassures him, and he knows where he should walk, and soon he's reaching a temple, strong stone and green plants and a setting sun carved on its floor, and there is a man - a god ? - walking out. and his eyes are glowing green like the mark he knows is glowing in his back, but it feels wrong, and when tim looks around again everything looks so much hostile, 

tim made researches on the deep forest temple, since he knew it was gonna be his future, and he knew that temple was supposed to host old gods who were dying, so why does it feel so wrong ?

tim approaches, despite himself, and waits for the man - god??? - to say anything. there is a hand, wrinkly and uncomfortable and cold, on his cheek, and tim looks up, and he's shivering when the god - he knows hes a god. he knows he is now. - speaks up.

"i am ra's al ghul. you were given to me to serve me. you will obey me in any way i see fit, and you are to never return to your human town." 

tim did make researches before he was taken. he knew that usually the child taken by the deep forest gods could travel to town without punishment. he knew that, with pattern, they were taken early, before they turned fifteen. he knew that he would most likely be lucky, have a mostly free life. he didnt know that a new god in quest of power had taken over, chained some of the old gods inhabiting the temple, killed others, simply for power and magic. he didnt know that he would be chained to a scary and cold temple, with a terrifying and powerful god that could turn him to dust on a whim. 

so thats basically,,, the intro ? the first part ?

so a few months after tim disappeared, it was jasons turn. 

jason, much like tim, had marks on his wrists and arms, long lines following his limbs. they're signs of being of the all caste temple, chosen one for those gods. for the ones in the deep sea. now these humans linked to temple in the sea are a bit different than the kind that tim was supposed to be. the all castes purpose is protection, and while there always is a human chosen for them, they're not always called for their purpose, in fact, no all caste chosen one had been guided to the temple in the deep see in generations.

however, one day, jason woke up, glowing white lines on his arms, told dick that he had to go to the sea, and disappeared for months.

jason doesn't remember going into the sea when he wakes up in the temple, doesnt know how he survived the journey there, but he's there, by the will of the gods, and he's informed of his purpose.

something hover over the island. something bad. it's already there, its root in the islands ground, and it must be killed. that will be jason's purpose. he doesnt know where. he doesnt know when. he knows it will happen.

so they train him. they give him the weapons and magic he will need to defeat the enemy. they want to protect the island and its inhabitant.

several months later, jason leaves again, with new knowledge and strength, and washes up on the beach, and dick finds him, unconscious. he brings him back to the wayne estate, where he tells his tale of sea gods and protection and prophecy where he is the hero.

years pass. its been about nine years since tim disappeared, since jason went to the sea temple for the first time. damian is 16 and damian wants answers from his father. he knows he's from the deep forest. he knows his mother is there. he wants to meet her, he wants to know her. but bruce never talks about her, never says anything about their meeting, like he was commanded not to, and damian decides to go against all beliefs he has grown with and he prepares. he will get in the forest. he will find his mother.

except jason know his little brother and he knows and sees him planning and on the night he leaves, jason is here, not stopping him, but ready to follow him into the forest. he has a feeling. something is there for him too .

so they travel in the forest, they're not really sure how to find damian's mother with how little bruce ever said about her, and they find creatures along the way, some of them recognize damian as one of their kin, which is how they realise damian's mother is either part god or part spirit, and jason as a god's messenger. they do not guide them, but they do not attack them. 

until they walk into a territory they feel they shouldnt have walked into

a small being with wings and claws attacks, telling them to not trespass, it's smaller than jason had been at 14, but it's furious and cold and it strikes right. and when jason finally looks up he's terrified to see that he recognizes the child in front of him. and its wrong, because tim should have been nineteen by now, but he doesnt look older than 15. 

finally the fight draws to a close when jason calls out for tim, a name he musnt have heard a lot, or not recently, not with care and not without an order behind it. tim stops. tim looks. he recognizes the boys in front of them, even if its been nearly ten years. after all they were two of the last humans he ever saw.

"you cant be here. you cant be here if he knows he will kill you and i cant let you die. please you need to go"

im not quite sur how they get tim to follow, or if they get in ra's territory, but they camp in a safe zone with tim, and tim tells them his story

[torture mention, non consensual body modification]

after ra's took him, he tortured him, he experimented on him. after all he was his first ever human tribute, to obey and be controlled at will, a toy for an immortal, and after many games of the new god, he settled on making tim a sentinel for his property, one that will age slowly and wont feel pain, a puppet with no strings but one that is scared of ra's power, enough that it will obey. jason and damian are Angry. something at the back of jason's head tells him that this ra's might have something to do with his own prophecy. 

so after that its more blurry but tim reacts strangely to damian, he's a bit scared of him and he figures out it's bc of his heritage, that he has links to ra's, and he leads them to talia who's half god half spirit and hidden deeper and deeper in the forest, away from her father, and it makes tim leave the territory he's supposed to guard, disobey ras, which makes ra's angy bc tim never disobey, not since the first few times when he was 12/13 and thought he would still get out,,,

so there is a bit of a final showdown w tim talia jason and damian facing ra's, ra's using his hold on tim to hurt him, and talia torn between her father and her son + tim who she's seen grow up from far away and who she feels she should have protected from ra's,, jason eventually has a one on one with ra's and the prophecy does happen and he kills ra's and angry old gods who were chained in the temple wake up and banish ra's soul from this realm.

they heal tim from whatever ra's did to him, with the promise that he will travel to care for the god's temple again, as his duty was supposed to be 

they all get back to gotham, tim still looks 15 but will grow to his real age within a few months, he has many scars and the mark on his back changed for a setting sun like what was carved on the temple's entrance, damian has his Mom, and jason is free from his all caste duty.

the end woooo this is over 2k long rip !! feel free to ask if u got more questions :0 !!

[intersexfairy]

so like I dont know WHO to ask but recently I've been havin a crisis over possibly bein intersex. I'm not gonna detail all my exact experiences out in an ask because If I were to, I'd rather do so in a one on one conversation as its personal and gets into some uncomfortable talk.. such as regardin my own personal set of genitals... but a key thing thats been botherin me is that. every intersex person Ive ever met or seen n such has always had a definin medical proof, a definin experience of havin it directly there and unquestionable due to their medical experiences. while I am disabled beyond belief, I am kind of actively denied access to the doctor without a lot of fightin and possibly dangerous to me livin symptoms n proof of "needin" a doctor. I also have trauma and would probably get more trauma if I let someone else near my genitals even if things I know down there could be "concernin" for "abnormalities". most of what makes me question bein intersex (minus whatever is goin on Down There) is that socially, despite my agab, its like everyone I meet spins a wheel on how to perceive my gender. I literally didn't use the locker rooms for gym n changed in a private one. I can convince easily someone that I am cis male or cis female dependin on my mood. and overall feelin alienation from supposedly my agab and not in a gender way, but in a body way. Im transneutral and even other transneutral ppl who are perisex I find it hard to relate to their stories 100% and it feels like a mix between amab n afab I relate to but neither 100% on their dysphoria or their bein perceieved by society or anything. I literally get both masculine and feminine dysphoria from my own body? I also have a lot of experiences I "shouldnt" for my agab... I feel alienated from bein perisex due to this but Im also scared and feel like Im fakin to be intersex because I have no medicial experience or "proof" in that regard. and I don't know what to do because doctors arent an option but theres also the fear of bein wrong because it feels like bein intersex is the only explaination for what Ive experienced. help????

You don't need a doctor to sign off on whether or not you're intersex. You don't need a diagnosis. There are plenty of intersex folks out there without one, and some of the ones that do have one, their diagnoses are faulty or incorrect.

We don't exclude people for not having a diagnosis - at least, most of us dont IME, and those that do are normally very problematic otherwise so their opinion doesn't matter, since it's informed by bad things.

Intersexness isn't about what the medical establishment says about us. They are our oppressors, and to say that you need a medical diagnosis to be intersex would go against everything we're fighting for. It puts power in their hands, and pathologizes intersexness, which is the opposite of what we're going for. People not already diagnosed in childhood may pursue diagnoses to know more about their body, to get some kind of answer as to why they're different, or to have that groundwork to build on for if they plan to transition (which, for intersex people, transitioning physically can occur whether your cis, trans, etc.)

I don't feel comfortable having conversations with strangers about genitalia, however I can tell you that intersexness, to the non-medicalists of us, is primarily about experiences, internal and external - with ourselves, others, and our bodies.

What you've described here is an experience common to many of us. Alienation from your agab, alienation from cisness and transness at the same time, avoiding places like locker rooms, passing as cis male/female circumstantially, etc.

If it helps you feel better, not only do I relate to what you've said about your experience - I dont have a proper diagnosis either. I'm diagnosed with PCOS (which, for some people, is an intersex variation), but the doctor who diagnosed me with that did bloodwork which he never explained to me, told me "You could have PCOS, Cushings," paused uncomfortably, and then said "Something else. So, I'm diagnosing you with PCOS since that's what your mom has."

And that's the thing with diagnosis too - a lot of us get misdiagnosed with things like PCOS and can't receive a proper diagnosis because getting a doctor to admit you're intersex can be difficult. Because they dont want us to exist, and if they can pass us off as perisex and convince us to take hormones and change our bodies with a different diagnosis, they will.

So, yeah. I don't know my variation, outside the guess that I am hyperandrogenic XX. I'm disabled too, and have my access to medical care restricted. So I get it, I really do.

I used to feel invalid, like an intruder, but the more I listened to the experiences of other intersex people, especially those with similar experiences and bodies to mine, I accepted my intersexness in spite of medicalism.

I can't tell you whether you're intersex or not ofc, but you know who can? You! Keep exploring. Keep learning. Keep looking into yourself. Keep talking to intersex people or reading about us. In time, if you're intersex.. You'll know based off that.

P.S: I'm transneutral too! Also transmasc, but still. Figured I'd mention.

[imagine-something-fun]

here goes nothing ig...

So idk whos going to read this and my English is fucked so if youre gonna read this goodluck. BuT!!

Hi, how are you? ig that we havent seen eachother in a while and since then alot has changed. Now that i think about it i rlly wouldnt know what exactly, ive been so inactive on here that it seems like 4 years ago since i last posted. The reason i am posting this today is because i saw old chats on here and i read them and i got so miserable. Im not that person i was when i used this media platform and i shall never be again, and that scares the living hell out of me.

I saw all those chats eventually die off and the thing was, i dont think i even noticed, maybe not even cared. i was rlly weird but in that way also rlly strong. Maybe its just the one too many stabbies in the back or the 1 time too many that i felt excluded but idk if im still that strong.

Yes, I was a bitch. Do i regret it? to a certain level. but i now understand why i was the way i was and sometimes i still wanna be like that.

All i ever wanted was love and acceptance, once i didnt even feel happy in my own skin anymore i started to freak out. Lash out inside is fine with me, destroy your liver who cares? You can do with a few braincells less. Well i could until i couldnt. and then i got mad at everyone around me.

Im not going to say that i shouldnt have gotten so mad, but i will say that i shouldnt have gotten so sad. It wasnt necessarily directed to you but it did hurt so much and everything became too much and then i had enough.

Enough of everyone who judged me and enough of the people i called friends. But to them i will say, even tho you will never read this and maybe its better that way, im sorry i cared so much and im sorry it wasnt meant to be, but the only one i should say sorry to well that person, she is me. (hihi i rhyme)

Yk, the only thing i ever asked for was acceptance and thats the one thing i never got. ive been my share of bitchy and mean and stupid and dumb tho, i wouldnt have wanted to hang out with me either, atleast something we agreed on. But hating myself and hearing it from the only person you wanted understanding from, well that sUcks. But now i think abt it im even a little bit thankful.

Yes you were all so harsh in your own way and i tried so hard to fit in, but i tried too much and if everything wouldnt have gone the way it went, and if i never dug myself so deep i never wouldve gotten myself out of there. Out of the brainkillers, moodswings but most importantly, out of that band.

It was the one thing i loved most, and the only thing that killed me inside. Im going to admit i am insecure, not abt my body or face or hair or any of that. Im insecure about belonging. Do i fit in? and i didnt and i told myself i did. In just a few months i started hating what i loved most.

And if i hadnt been so down i wouldnt have ever seen how much i actually love him. And if i hadnt seen that and never figured i can live my life the way i want to, i wouldve never quit that band and wouldve stayed with those people alot longer.

if the odds are against me and you actually do read this on my very open social media page i dont blame you, maybe just get really embarrassed. but ill just let you know i never replaced you, once i realised i couldnt live my life with you in it, i never wanted to know anyone that even resembled you. and that thought gave me more peace of mind then any of the past 2 years ever gave me.

yes this is a very big rant about how i struggle with change and yes i know ill cringe about it in a few weeks months years whatever, but i do this for me, read it or dont. but if you did and youre reading this right now, whoever you are, i wanna ask you.

Are you happy?

because i wasnt, even when i thought i was, and maybe i just wanna give you my word of advice but dont go looking for something youll never find. itll save you alot of time and energy and trust me, youll need it.

so i think i finished up here. thank you for reading this although you really didnt have to.

Goodnight,

Jackie

[itsthatsillygoose]

Kit, a raggedy ass analysis

I wrote an analysis of forthbeam last week and y'all we're dragging the others to hell saying they weren't as complex so let me prove you wrong starting with Kit ft. a lot of Ming. If u want my summery Mingkit analysis it's the last paragraph on this post but I'll post it separately too:

Something that really intrigues me about kit is his capacity for other people’s attention. We see through out the first series that Beam is quite a ladies man and is seen many times trying to hit on the stars of the university but for Kit this is rare. Aside from Pha, Beam and Forth, Kit is rarely seen interacting with anyone one else closely and think that speaks volumes of his personality. He may be stubborn and sometimes aggressive but I think deep down he's compensating for a lack of security, all he really wants is that resounding feeling of safety and he finds that with in the tight knit friendship between him, Beam and Pha; and perhaps that’s what makes his relationship with Ming so infatuating.

Ming is the very definition of what Kit seems to avoid, he is bold and loud, clumsy with his feelings, a stranger. He's a player and doesn't need that sense of security like the other which seemed to be the biggest red flag to kit during their development. Imediately when the two first properly meet there’s a sense of surprise from the shorter when he finds that Ming still remembers him, and straight away he throws up his guard. Through out at least the series so far it's almost like Kit wants himself to hate Ming or at least he feels like he should; he knows Ming is everything he seeks to avoid and so he tries to act accordingly. He constantly seems frustrated around him but rather than being agitated by Ming, I think what's really bothering him is himself and the way he can't help but yearn for these moments of having the other around. Doesn't make sence right? Surely he'd be happy if he actually wanted to see him? Well you'd figure, but perhaps it causes Kit such anguish as he knows while having Ming around he loses control and he doesnt want to give him self the oppertunity to get to know him or like him as even just a friend,,, and so instead he snaps at him. Again I think this was a really subtle and lovely way of displaying Kits issue; he truly is an increadible example of head vs heart.

I loved looking deeper into these two as they appear to have such a typical dynamic of cat and dog, but I really think the second series explored so much deeper into their personalities and character. I think what is really being portreyed by these two is so much more than just a spunky journey of two boys in love. Really I think that we delve into dealing with the concept of searching for trust and a sense of clarity in not only someone else but yourself too. I do think that kit is perhaps the “protagonist’ of this idea. Ming is very much the big scary monster in the dark for him. Whether Kit had had partners before or not I'm unsure but I think the reason why Ming really affected him so incredibly was that he’d never been loved in such a way, so shamelessly and intensely, especially by someone like Ming. Someone he’s so unalike in so many ways. Really I think their arch isn’t about Ming breaking into Kit's abrasive character but rather Kit searching for truth and a reason to believe in ming and the insecurities on both ends of that.

We see many times that kit is appalled by Mings ways, for example the way ming had so many ex partners, this was such a big piece information to just be brushed over; infact its exactly what knocked kit so far from feeling like he could reach out and grasp onto Ming. Again referring back to before, I think kit really yearns for a sence of safety in everyone he brings close to him, a place to relax, someone he can trust enough to not hide behind his front; he doesn’t care to be played with or used so seeing that ming would throw away his past relationships so readily perhaps triggered that insecurity as he rightly so doesn't feel that sense of security with ming. He appears unpredictable to Kit, almost as if he throws his feeling around carelessly, but we know this isn't true and that in fact Ming is increadibly predictable.

We see more of this when Kit storms away at the beach telling ming to stay where he is (which he does). Personally this is still one of my favourite scenes as it's fucking bursting with emotion and crammed with developing concepts i've already mentioned but it really does just get me every time. There's so much to unpick, it really was the turning point for the two- at least in my eyes. It admittedly does just appear as if Kit got short tempered and barked at Ming who then got upset and sulked, but really the scene is a lot meatier. It was really a big eye opener for kit as though neither of them spoke about what happened, it really felt like they both knew Ming was proving to kit that he takes his word seriously, and isn't afraid to commit to him. Kit seemed guilty when the scene returned to him and the others drinking but when Ming was dragged in by another friend Kit seems shocked realizing he probably would have sat there all night if it had played out that way. Maybe he assumed ming had gone back to his room but the fact he didnt was such a slap in the face. I love this cause Ming stares at him sadly, knowing full well he's proven a point. Kit knows he's upset Ming and realises that rather than Ming not taking the idea of a relationship seriously, perhaps he himself was the one dismissing any chance of something real, some clarity. Maybe he was his own scary monster in the dark. He knows full well that Ming is harmless or else he wouldn't have appeared so guilty when returning to the hang out without him.

The whole beamkit scene where beam pulled a doozy on us and pretended he and kit were dating is another obvious telling of his character, (nines expressions in those few seconds were fucking ace btw, the absolute utter panic swirling into sorry eyes, then a punch in the gut and finally regret) in those few moments alone its obvious that he knows he's done Ming wrong, but if you really look closer there's a whole ugly ass betrayal hiding in there. In the chat they just had in a prior scene, Kit makes a point out of not wanting to get hurt by Ming leading him on only to ditch him for another person, but what did kit just do to Ming? Huh?¿?? Exactly, its easily missed but it's an awesome detail i picked up when diving into this and i have to say it was another perfect example of Kit being flung between head vs heart. Kit's been trying so hard to get Ming to use his head rather than his heart, but by using his own head to try and protect him self Kit's only gone and done the exact thing he was so afraid happening to himself to Ming. I think realising this he understands that even though they're so different and worlds apart, they're both just dumb fucking humans and he shouldnt be so hard on Ming, especially when Ming's been nothing but loyal and honest. Perhaps Kit is scared of committing but he's projecting that onto Ming because he doesn't want to admit it, he only sees what he wants to see because thats all he knows after putting up a front for so long when ever his emotional well being is threatened.

Honestly Kit's really just been his own problem this entire show and he really ought to sit the fuck down and let him self live 👏🏻

Thought it was endearing when he took Pha out so he could get drunk. Obviously getting wasted to forget your problems isn't particularly endearing, but like i said about Beam last week, it makes him feel more human. Especially when Beam shows up acting like the whole beamkit couple thing was a joke (when it clearly wasn't) and Kit's just like fuck you you're so annoying. Smh he really is boo boo that fool. He's just so completey oblivious that his best friend in the entire world is head over heels in love with him, so gullible just believing what ever the fuck anyone says. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt seen as he was drunk but Idk it just tickles me that he's always so tense and always so on guard yet the level of dumbassery is just,,,, how's he gonna be a doctor when he's literally a raw nerve on fucking legs. Bless.

He really lets things bother him, but he's much more readable than beam which we know even just from Phana knowing right away what was up. The fact he hid from Ming when Ming entered the bar(?) too really emphasized how completely not as hard as nails he is despite how he tends to act tough. Thought that was a sweet detail in unravelling Kit's personality and how Ming seems already to have completely knocked his walls down; Kit's not even trying to act like he's unaffected anymore.

We all joke about Beam being an emotional wreck but fr kits really not that far behind. He deals with everything horribly and always seems to make shit worse for both himself and Ming. He just wants what's best for everyone but sometimes that's harder than it looks and he really proved that. He goes into panic mode if Ming so much as breaths in his direction which actually does the complete opposite of intended as rather than seeming tough and cold, it just shows Ming that Kit's easily flustered around him, EG, HE FUCKING LIKES HIM, KIT JUST WRITE IT ON YOUR FOREHEAD AT THIS POINT. He thinks he's so mysterious fr, boy the whole world and it's goldfish has you sussed, who do you think your fooling with that attitude?

Can't not mention the kiss and how sweet that was on Kit's end. After all that mess and acting unaffected, as soon as he sees Ming move towards him he imediately melts back into his big softie boyf as if he'd been waiting a life time to kiss him. He literally called him a 'bastard' seconds before, if that ain't some sort of chaotic then what the fuck is he. Jkjk, back to the point, Kit does this thing where he lies to him self, C O N S T A N T L Y. He's forever telling himself that he's in control, he's forever telling himself that Ming's out to get him, he's forever acting as if he doesn't want anything to do with Ming, but this scene was so satisfying cause it really just ripped everything he'd been pretending to be from right underneath him. He kissed Ming so readily and for the first time in the relationship he actually seemed put together and calm and in control. He's never known what to do with Ming's attention yet here and now with his lips on his all he could do was reach out and grasp on to his 'scary monster in the dark' (Side note i absolutely fucking adore how Kit's gone from being so rough and brash with Ming to being so ridiculously shy after the kiss. I think it's forced him to face facts and he finally realised there was no point in keeping up his walls. Ming knows now, theres no need. It's sweet showing his vulnerable side for once, this is some healthy character development i can get behind.)

You'll have noticed this gradually got less formal and is slowly making less and less sense. That's because as i'm writing this it's 5:40am and the brain juice is running low but the next bit should be a pinch more coherent sorry,

What i love about Kit and Ming's relationship is the whole role reverse as the series progressed. At the beginning we see Kit, part of a solid group of friends and he's comfortable and confident where as Ming's just a new student at the university, finding his feet. We expect him to perhaps be naïve or immature, and yes he's a little clingy but really Ming is one of the most stable characters going and exactly what kit needs despite how he first appeared. Not once has Ming changed his goal of pursuing kit, not once has he fucked up, not once has he ever panicked. Ming- even though he's sulky- is really quite mature with his dealing of Kit. He's honest and really does what ever he can to make it work. I loved the example of this where he backed off after the kiss. It was so so sweet considering how clingy he usually is, and it really shows he takes great time and contemplation when considering Kits feelings and that he has a really deep understanding of how Kit's mind actually works and how he may react. He backs off knowing Kit likes his space and that maybe he over stepped the line pretending to be black out drunk, but again i really love this as this creates that safe space and feeling of clarity that i keep bringing up as it meant kit could reach out in his own time and really come to terms with things without any pressure. It meant that for once Kit would have to make the move to communicate and take a step in their relationship and i think for Ming to take that initiative to really somewhat place their fate in Kits hands for a while was really quite sweet and mature of him. We stan our emotionally healthy engineering boys fr. We come to realise by now that perhaps Kit is actually quite bashful and somewhat of a baby dear when it comes to emotions, charging head first into anything but initially losing his footing right off the get go. But Ming is stable, he is collected and cool and surprisingly gentle. Its really quite tell tale that kit spoke so much about ming maybe lacking in commitment when really he was the one too afraid to commit, he was clearly insecure. This arch really was kit heavy and though i already said what i think their arch focuses on, i just want to add that it also explores growth and becoming a better person because of a relationship. They bounce off eachother in such an interesting way, and so intunely that they cant help but work. Kit never knows what to say or how to approach ming but its okay, Ming has that covered and always comes to find him. Ming's very flirtatious, and kit and easy to fluster. Kit needs time and Ming is patient. All these little north and south traits really just pull together and i love how these two were written with such harmony. I know I've delved way deeper than was ever intended for these characters but i think we shouldn't take for granted the complexity of such a wonderful thing.

This is the reason why i think 2moons2 is miles ahead of 2moons the series. Aside from the cringe music, over dramatic zooms and lingering shots which can sometimes make it difficult to watch, 2moons2 really seeks complexity in each character and i admire that itch to bring them to life as i feel 2moons was increadibly 2D in this aspect. I only really believed in Kit when i watched that series, but 2moons2 really forces you to believe and invest in every main character and i just think as someone who writes that it's rather lovely.

What are your thoughts? Do comment if you have time, I'd love to hear more on these two :)

[katzuyas]

blood drips from the fingers of the hand that suddenly rips through the flesh of the man who was bout to cut yuuri’s head off with one clean swing of his sword, and yuuri can’t exactly say he minds this sudden development. there is a clean hole in the man’s chest when he’s discarded to the side like a piece of insignificant dust, but yuuri’s too busy gazing at the one who saved him to look closer at all the gore.

because before him stands the most handsome man he’s ever seen.

it’s part admiration, part disgust that stirs in yuuri’s belly as he watches the man lift his bloodied hand to his lips and suck his fingers clean. something very disturbing seems to be happening before his very eyes, and yet... and yet, yuuri feels himself bewitched to the point of staying there and watching.

“did I scare you?” the man asks, licking his hand clean much like a cat. a hell cat. one of those feral beasts that feast on rotten flesh and--

“um,” yuuri swallows. “no?”

he’s risking it, he thinks, but when he considers it closer, it’s not really a lie that he gives in reply. he’s only partially scared. everyone would be after someone tried to kill them, and yuuri’s fear stems from that alone, it looks like. 

“oh?” the man cocks his head to the side. he looks at yuuri with bright blue eyes, which shine like gems and steal yuuri’s breath altogether. “so you aren’t scared of me?”

“should I be?” yuuri asks back, wondering where he gets the audacity to question a being who can rip through a human with enough ease as he just witnessed.

maybe it’s his close brush with death that’s given him the courage, or maybe it’s another feeling -- one of premonition of what’s to come -- that tells him his adventure into the land of the dead might not yet be far off, but yuuri finds strength in his limbs and lightness in his heart, so he stands.

and he looks the man in the eyes with no fear. “are you going to hurt me?”

the man seems to be as surprised at yuuri’s question as yuuri is at his own daring.

“hurt you? no!” he shakes his head and his silver hair flits about like spiderwebs on a light morning breeze. “why would you even think that? I’d never hurt you.”

“well,” yuuri clears his throat, looking to where the corpse of the man who tried to take his life has yet to chill. “that might have something to do with my question, but... if you aren’t here to hurt me... and you just saved me... then, how-- I mean, who are you? and why did you help me?”

the little breath that escapes from the man’s lips is much more hushed than a gasp. much more... disappointed, yuuri decides when he sees the crestfallen look on the man’s face.

“you don’t know,” comes the reply, and yuuri frowns.

of course he doesn’t? how could he--

“you called for me.”

“what?” yuuri blinks, surprised. “no, I didn’t. I would’ve known if--”

“but you did,” the man insists. “I wouldn’t be here otherwise. you called me, or, well, your soul did? when humans come close to death their souls resonate, you see, and some of you have the strength to call one of us.”

humans, yuuri’s mind repeats as it reels. one of us.

“who... who are you?” he repeats through trembling lips.

the man’s smile is a slow thing, and it’s beautiful. it’s beautiful, but all of his handsome face is. it’s in his eyes that the beauty ends, or maybe, maybe that’s where it truly begins, because his blue gaze glows with power that is darker than any yuuri has seen.

he shivers when the man steps up to him, almost jumps in unease when he kneels. yuuri’s hand is taken and brought up to those smiling lips. there’s blood stains on his skin now, too, from the leftovers of his almost-killer, and yuuri’s stomach turns when he feels a kiss pressed to the inner part of his wrist -- right where his pulse flutters like a bird trapped in a cage against its will.

“I am nothing but your loyal dog, my liege,” the man whispers.

his warm breath settles in the palm of yuuri’s hand, distracting, but not distracting enough.

“my what?” yuuri asks. his voice comes out broken, so he clears his throat, and says again: “I don’t understand. how...?”

“you called upon me,” the man explains. “and I answered your call. I am now yours to command until the day you inevitably die.”

“but I didn’t,” yuuri insists, this time harder. he shakes his head. “I couldn’t have.”

“whyever not?”

the man peers up at him. he looks so perfectly poised while he continues to kneel at yuuri’s feet that yuuri trembles within himself from how beautiful it makes him. he knows he shouldn’t, but... he was already set to die tonight and he didn’t. so maybe luck was on his side, after all. maybe... maybe enough of it to let him get away with even more.

he slips his hand away from the light grasp and bows over until he can take the man’s face in his hands and set their foreheads together in faux gentleness. and he knows it instantly when the man realizes the change in the atmosphere around them, for those brilliant blue eyes widen in surprise that is heavily meshed with awe -- the awe that somehow makes yuuri feel powerful, more so than usual.

powerful, and stupid.

it’s that feeling that makes his brown eyes glow red, and it’s that feeling, too, which has him give the silky whisper of truth that only sparse few have ever heard:

“because I have no soul to call you.”

the man’s breath comes fast and hard, but he hears the truth in yuuri’s words, sees it in his inhuman eyes. gently, he turns his head towards the corpse of what must have been his intended master, the one that called him and the one he should’ve served, and yuuri lets him. he lets go.

“oh dear,” the man says, yet his voice does not indicate much upset about the way things have turned out. “I guess... I made a mistake? now that is no fun. I will need to head back to hell then...”

he stands up, but... he doesn’t look like he’s in a hurry. in fact, he looks as if he wishes for a reason to stay. something to keep him here...

“before you go,” yuuri says before he thinks twice about it. “thank you for saving me. I would have died if he succeeded, so whatever trouble you’re in because of that, I feel like I should help you. so if you, well, that is, there is little I can do, but if you need a place to stay or to lie low for a while--”

��really?” the man blinks, and then breaks out into a smile so dazzling that yuuri feels the urge to shield his eyes. “could I stay with you then? I’m in no hurry to return, honestly. it’s so... dreary down there, you know.”

“but won’t you be in trouble if you don’t, I don’t know, report this? at least?”

the man shrugs. “they probably already know. besides, I’m glad I did what I did. I’d rather serve you than that pile of--”

“you don’t even know me,” yuuri tells him, a little amused, but mostly just too surprised at the turn of events to be fearful.

“but I’d like to know you,” the man replies easily. as easily as he slides up to him. as easily as he takes yuuri’s hand again, and as easily as he wraps his arm around yuuri’s waist almost in a parody of a dancing stance. “I’d very much like to know you... all of you.”

blood rushes to yuuri’s cheeks like it never has before, but even though the night is dark, he’s sure that this man can see it. he’s standing so close that he must, and yuuri knows it when he takes in the smile on his lips: a quirked, playful little thing that brings even more heat to yuuri’s face.

“how can I make a decision like that if you refuse to answer any of my questions,” yuuri says, but his protest is a feeble one. he already knows that he will not be able to resist this man’s charms. not now, not ever, most likely.

“then ask again, and I shall give you whatever it is you wish for.”

the man brings yuuri’s hand to his lips again, but this time he chooses to rest a kiss on yuuri’s knuckles instead of his wrist. if possible, it seems even more intimate than before, and yuuri’s heart beats double inside his chest.

“your name first,” he asks, unable to lift his eyes from where the man holds his hand in a grasp that is far gentler than yuuri would imagine. “and, who are you?”

“victor,” the man breathes. “my name is victor. and I’m a hellhound who answers the call of a human soul ready for eternal damnation. but, for you, I will be whoever you wish me to be--”

yuuri shakes his head as he looks up, right into his eyes. “no. you are who you are, and you will be who you decide to be. I have no right to change that, or ask it of you.”

victor’s surprise is clear, surely he hasn’t expected this. something in yuuri softens at the sight and it’s that same something that chooses to rest his trust in this man -- in victor -- whom he only just met, but whom he feels like he was supposed to meet all along.

“I’m yuuri,” yuuri says, and smiles when victor’s eyes meet his again. “yuuri of the katsuki clan. and I’m a vessel of the the squid god of hasetsu bay. my soul has already been claimed, but, with what little of myself there is left, I am pleased to make your acquaintance, victor.”

“oh, I assure you, yuuri,” victor chirps, sweet and playful, “the pleasure is all mine.”

he kisses yuuri’s hand again, yet this time his lips linger on yuuri’s skin just a bit longer while silver eyelashes flutter as victor closes his eyes. he breathes in deep, which makes yuuri flush all over again.

he quickly realizes why victor has done it, though. he’s a hellhound. he must have been familiarizing himself with yuuri’s scent, so that he could recognize it among the many others. and yet, once he figures it out, yuuri’s blush doesn’t go away. it only deepens, and deepens still when victor peers up at him with a gaze that is far more smitten than yuuri could ever hope it to be.

“you... um,” he bites his tongue from how fast he wants to speak, and needs to look away as embarrassment churns in his throat. yet, looking away from victor is harder than anything he’d ever done, and yuuri soon finds himself glancing his way again. “you said,” he tries again, “you said that you’d like to stay here, yes? if you still do, then my parents have an inn not far from here. we all live there, so if you--”

“I’d be honoured,” victor confesses, voice and eyes soft.

and yuuri, as he leads him by the hand which victor refuses to let go of, cannot deny that his heart feels oddly soft as well.

he was meant to die this night, but instead he has found himself with this strange man, who makes him feel strange things, and strangest of all? he has found himself trusting him, caring for him, and... before the cherry blossoms sprout their petals as spring takes her first steps, he finds himself loving him -- a hellhound from hell, who appeared in his life bloody, and who made all the blood in yuuri’s body run that much faster.

a hellhoud, a man, who showed him that even without a soul life has enough to offer to live, to love, and to be loved.

the hellhound, the man, whom yuuri has given what little of his was left to give: his heart.

[dog-teeth]

hi ezra, so i’ve been thinking i might be gay but i’m worried i’m “pretending” & making something up to myself, i haven’t dated anyone before but it’s something i keep thinking about. i don’t want anyone close to me to know & i’m scared about how they’ll react if they know i’m questioning but i want to figure myself out, it keeps bothering me all the time. do you have any advice on how i can figure myself out? thanks i really appreciate it & i really look up to you & your art inspires me a ton!

if you think you might be gay theres def a good chance ur either gay or bi, from what i hear most straight people dont really question themselves abt their sexuality, esp to the point of feeling pressured/upset about it. its fine if u dont have things figured out right now! dont worry! u dont have to use any labels, or if u want to u can try on as many as u need to get it right! ive known im queer for like 6 years now and i still question myself and have trouble w identity+labels. i learned that its ok to not have it figured out !! its fine!! u can just not worry about it and be attracted to who ever you feel attracted to and go from there. esp since u havent dated anyone yet, i imagine attraction/relationships seem pretty abstract to you, and it can be hard to know who ur attracted to until youve actually been involved with people. dont worry abt if youre "pretending." thats not even a real thing. if ur questioning u arent pretending to be another sexuality, it takes experimentation to find urself sometimes! ive bounced around between labels and just cuz i used a label i dont identify with anymore doesnt mean i was pretending it just means i was still figuring myself out ! you dont need to have it figured out right now, but if not knowing is making you uncomfortable, and you cant talk to anyone irl about it, tumblr is actually a pretty great place to explore ur sexuality! when i first realized i was queer/trans i followed a bunch of lgbt blogs, esp art blogs cuz im an artist, and also just positivity blogs :) idk what ur gender is, but theres lots of great blogs for both wlw and mlm :) reading about queer sexuality and just following lgbt bloggers can be really validating ! surrounding urself with lgbt people irl and/or online can definitely help. being lgbt is so rad and cool and u shouldnt be afraid to embrace it if thats who u think u are, and if you question/experiment and end up being straight thats totally fine too, dont worry! good luck! and thank u for the kind words!!!!!

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[hold-me-dolan]

DM’s: E.D. x Reader.

A/N: Hi guys, this is my first EVER imagine/fan fic/whatever. But please don’t judge me too hard, and try to learn to love me lol

Warnings: college behavior  

--

The Dolan twins. Ugh. Where do I even start?

You haven’t even been a fan of theirs for a month yet but they had already stolen your heart. There was so many things about them that you adored. The thing you loved most about them was the way they seemed so sincere when they were addressing their fans.

Before you watched the Dolan’s YouTube videos you knew them from their Vines. You thought they were just another set of guys trying to go big time from their good looks and humorous behavior. But that was back when they were about 15 years old. It wasn’t until your younger sister made you sit down with her to watch their YouTube videos. At first, you were annoyed and acted like they were too young for you. But as soon as she showed you their survival video, you had a thing for Ethan. He was the kind of guy you always wanted: he was funny, sarcastic, immature, and always making fun of his brother. For some reason this made you smile.

Even though you loved both of them so much, there was something about Ethan. That boy just made you smile more than you thought was humanly possible. Anything he did made you go wild. And yeah, his twin brother, Grayson, was extremely hot and so sweet, but Ethan’s goofy and dominate behavior made your insides quake. That was when you were determined to make that boy YOURS.

After watching a few of their videos, you looked both of them up on social media. You were soon aware that Grayson had way more followers than Ethan. Finding this out made you sad because you knew that Ethan was just as hot as Grayson, but he had a different personality. Not that you didn’t love Grayson’s sweet and loving demeanor, but there was something about Ethan’s humor that made him your favored twin. And for some reason, you couldn’t figure out why Grayson had so many more followers than Ethan. Almost as immediately as you were saddened by this fact, you became happy. The fact that Ethan had less girls flaunting over him made you smile. You knew that you might have an even better chance of getting Ethan’s attention since more girls were obsessed with Grayson.

As a college girl, you went to a few frat parties. You didn’t make it a point to go out, but one night when your sorority sisters influenced you to go to a social you found yourself kind of drunk. Getting drunk wasn’t something your normally did, but you thought that you would let yourself get loose after months of staying locked in your apartment.

Because you were kind of drunk, you found yourself more confident than usual. You were introducing yourself to almost every guy you saw, and teasing them about anything and everything – since that’s the type of girl you were….

----- BACKGROUND: your whole life you grew up only being friends with boys and you were closer with all your male relatives. You didn’t like girls, so it shocked even you that you were in a sorority. Most people just thought you were a tomboy. But only you (any probably your parents) knew you only liked boys because you were majorly obsessed with boys. Ever since 1stgrade, when you found out about “kooties” you were embarrassed about liking boys. That’s why you always hid your obsessions with friendships. The fact that your friendships never turned out to be something more made you really upset, but you never let anyone see that side of you. You always went along with it, and acted like one of the boys. Even when your best friend called you “one of the boys,” you weren’t upset. You led yourself to believe you were truly a “boy.” You thought you would never find love, so you found peace in the fact you always had boys to love you, even if they were just friends. ----

(NOW) Once you realized you truly in fact loved Ethan, you decided you would let your guard down. You decided since he and his twin were so famous, you had nothing to lose and you could show your true emotions. That’s when you made your mind up and decided you were going to get Ethan to notice you, no matter what.

You knew that the twins had so many girls loving them, and your little messages wouldn’t be noticed. So you messaged them on Instagram. You weren’t shocked that they didn’t reply, let alone they didn’t even read your message. You were upset but not really since you knew how famous they were. That was, until one night when you were very drunk.

Most times when you got drunk you just went back to your apartment and fell asleep. This night, though, you were feeling really lonely because you saw your sorority sisters pairing off with boys from the party. Your tom-boyish personality made every guy love you, but deep down you knew it wasn’t what you wanted. You played it off, acting like you loved being every guy’s best girl-friend. But when you were drunk, you always showed how you really felt about never having a boy for yourself.

On this night, though, you decided to take your shot. You messaged Ethan, only, on Instagram. The alcohol gave you an extra boost of confidence, even though you knew he still wouldn’t see it. You messaged Ethan,

           “I love you so much, please say ‘Hi.’”

You went to bed smiling, hoping to get a reply from Ethan.

You woke up the next day to the sound of your alarm clock with a pounding headache and regret from all the things you did from the night before. You tried not to think about the fact that you challenged almost every guy you say to a shot gun race, saying you could beat them (even though you did.) Thinking about all the beer you consumed made your stomach ache, and you rolled over trying to fall back asleep. It was 8 a.m. and you decided you weren’t going to make it to your 9 a.m. You fell back asleep and tried to forget about the embarrassing things you did the previous night.

You woke up later, checked your phone, and noticed it was 1 p.m. You were happy that you ~somewhat~ got rid of your hangover by sleeping it off. You decided it was a good enough time to officially wake up and check your phone. You were still hungover and somewhat dizzy, when you saw an Instagram notification saying “message from @ethandolan.” You assumed it was a fan account, since you followed a few and liked a lot of their posts. You first checked all your texts and snapchats from your friends making sure you were okay. Once you got through those, you clicked on the Instagram app on your phone.

You scrolled through a few posts, then you decided to check out the Dolan fan account that messaged you. You assumed it was just some crazy girl trying to get you to make them more popular, and you rolled your eyes. When you swiped over to your messages, you thought you were more hungover than you thought – maybe even still drunk!

You saw the blue checkmark next to ethandolan and you blinked your eyes. There was no way Ethan really saw your message, or even messaged you back. You closed your eyes for a moment and blinked before looking back at your phone screen. Then, you really thought it might be the real Ethan Dolan that messaged you.

You got really excited and clicked on the message immediately. You saw your message from the night before, and quickly got a sense of embarrassment. Your cheeks were burning up, and you closed your eyes again. Thinking about the message you sent Ethan the night before reminded you of all the embarrassing things you did at the frat party.

Once you got over your regrets, you looked back at your phone. You read the message “Hey girl! You’re so sweet! Me and Grayson really appreciate your love!”

You dropped and screeched. There was no way THE Ethan Dolanmessaged you back. Once again, you rubbed your eyes and blinked several times. Then you realized it was in fact the Ethan Dolan. You blushed more – if that was even possible – and quickly thought of a response:

           “You don’t even realize how happy you make me.”

You locked your phone and dropped it, still smiling at the fact that ETHAN DOLAN answered your DM. A few minutes later, your phone buzzed. With your heart racing, you jumped and looked at your phone, only to see a text from your Mom. Supposedly you sent her a ~drunk~text the night before, and she wanted to make sure you were okay. You answered her, and tried to play it off that you were not as drunk as you actually were.

Just before you were about to get up and shower, you got another notification on your phone. Thinking it was your Mom again, you scoffed. When you looked at your phone you realized it was ETHAN. AGAIN.

You quickly clicked on the message, and saw:

           “Don’t say that.”

As you were about to type, you bubbles pop up. Eventually, you read his next message:

           “Y/N, I promise I don’t do this. But… what’s your snapchat.”

You had literally never smiled more in your life. You gave it a couple minutes before answering him. Almost immediately after you sent Ethan your snap username, you got a notification saying “Ethan Dolan has added you as a friend!” You could not believe what was happening. You clicked on the notification, and added him back. That’s when you thought nothing good could from this. Your heart would be forever broken if he wanted nothing more than just another fan on snapchat, to prove Grayson he had more fans.

--

A/N: please lmk if you want a part 2! Idk if I'm any good at writing this stuff, but I find it fun (lol, right.!) yeah so message me if you want more, or if it was terrible just tell me to stop :) I won’t be offended considering I haven’t written short stories since 4th grade. Also, I haven’t used Tumblr since 7th grade, but I'm trying to get back into it :)))))) maybe I shouldn’t lol ok goodnight!

[grandmasterofwangxiancultivation]

HOB ch.23-24

FINALLY, i’m back to hob’s universe. i had to stop reading this because university, but now that i’m freaking done with my exams, i can enjoy it as i wanted *^*

aaaaah, i missed xie lian and hua cheng SO MUCH- just look at my beautful san lang taking that strange plant and going to cure his gege’s hand immediately as if that’s the only thing that matters. god, i love him

San Lang didn’t respond, and after applying the powder he let go of Xie Lian’s hand. Xie Lian couldn’t help but think his attitude and this weird atmosphere between the two of them was really off, but didn’t know how to ask about it without sounding weird. This wasn’t something anyone else would notice either and couldn’t possibly understand.

(he just hates you putting yourself in danger for the sake of other people, he waited too much for you, gege! aaaaah they are beautiful, help me-)

EDIT: awkward hualian is making me wanna hug those two, i need them to remain alone and more of san lang protecting his gege 

EDIT 2: THERE IS A FRAKING F A C E IN THE GROUND. WHAT THE HELL. THAT’S CREEPY.

EDIT 3: omg okay, if i already didn’t love san lang, i would fall in love with him right now. he went for a version of that plant that had not been fertilised by humans ‘cause he knew xie lian wouldn’t like it, and that’s so thoughtful and beautiful and i feel blessed. BLESSED.

Ever since Xie Lian had gotten stung by the scorpion snake, San Lang had behaved like this. A couple days ago it was all ge ge this, ge ge that, but now he barely called him ge ge anymore. When they first met, San Lang had avoided his touch and seemed weary of contact with Xie Lian, but that seemed to have gone away after spending so much time together. Now, besides sucking poison and applying herbs, San Lang was once again avoiding touching him, and that made Xie Lian feel weird. He’s not used to this distance.

i am getting so freaking emotional, this is so angsty and bittersweet, i love hearing sl calling him gege, it’s what keeps me alive, so i want them to talk and figure this out pls make it possible please please please-

EDIT 4: 

The mud face replied, “There’s someone amongst you I’ve seen before… fifty to sixty years ago.”

A shiver went down everyone’s back and made their hairs stand.

No mortal in present company should be aged over fifty. That means whoever this person was that was here then was not human.

this is getting creepier by the minute, what the fuck- i love this. I LOVE THIS.

EDIT 5: i think the face is talking about san lang? since, you know, he is a big deal in the demon world and long. HE WON’T HURT ANYONE AS LONG AS THEY DON’T HURT XIE LIAN, CHIIIIILL.

EDIT 6: 

Xie Lian pushed himself off the ground about to walk away before the mud face raised his voice, “Do you really not want to know who it is? He will kill all of you.”

yeah, i think he really is talking about him. though i don’t trust some of the merchants? and a-zhao? mmmmh

EDIT 7: okay, tha face? that face is getting unsettling me so much WHY DO THOSE MERCHANT IDIOTS GET CLOSER??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

EDIT 8: what the fUCK DID I JUST READ EWWWWWWWW

Xie Lian grabbed the merchant by his collar and backed up, but the tongue that flew out was freakishly lengthy and barged right into the merchant’s ear!

Xie Lian felt the body in his hold convulse violently, the merchant’s limbs writhed nonstop, and the man let out a short agonizing scream before falling to the ground. That long tongue dug out a large chunk of something bloody from his ear and and brought it back to the mud face’s mouth.

sorry, see you later, i’m gonna throw up-

EDIT 9: 

He was about to attack the repulsive monster when the mud face screamed again, “GENERAL! GENERAL! THEY’RE HERE! THEY’RE HERE!”

A deafening cry more savage than beasts blared in the distance.

YOU ATROCIOUSLY IDIOTIC HUMAN PLANT-----------

EDIT 10:

The massive nine feet man they called ‘general’ seemed to have found the squirming mud face deeply disgusting, and swung his mace towards him, smashing his face into a bloody mess, the teeth of his mace piercing his brains. When he pulled up his mace again, the entire body was pulled out with it, fulfilling his wish of “let me out!”. And the body that was unearth was not a full human body, but a skeleton.

(okay, now i feel... uhm, i feel a bit sad. yeah, sorry annoying-face-in-the-mud, i think i jinxed you?

THAT FACE IS STILL ALIVE WHAT THE HELL. well, “alive” is probably too big of a word, but... *sugh* i am gonna refer to this as the annoying-face-in-the-mud arc from now on.)

The mud face countered immediately, “That wasn’t odd! It was just… a tongue a bit longer than average!”

*hysterical laugh* SERIOUSLY?

EDIT 11:

He said in a small voice, “Don’t worry. If anything happens I will go forward first.”

Xie Lian thought if they must all fall, then he might as well be the first one to check things out. It couldn’t be worse than venomous snakes and beasts, menacing ghosts and demons. He couldn’t die from falling, he couldn’t die from poison, he couldn’t die from bites, and he couldn’t die from getting hit. As long as it wasn’t some pool of corpse dissolving water, his body shouldn’t be damaged too horribly.

NO OKAY? NO. SOMEONE STOPS HIM RIGHT THIS INSTANT I KNOW SAN LANG WON’T ALLOW SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO HAPPEN OR WILL AT LEAST GO WITH HIM OMG why does xie lian talk about himself like that, i hate this, just because you can’t get hurt doesn’t mean you have to care so little for yourself, babe, i love you so much-

EDIT 12: okay, wow, a-zhao went down and i... did not expect that, since i was suspicious of him too, so now i feel guilty. again. ugh. also, that pit sounds even more scary now that, supposedly, a-zhao’s body has been teared apart.

EDIT 13: THE SOLDIERS ARE INSULTING HIM AND I AM GETTING MAD HOW  D A R E  Y O U- also, bitch? you wanna die, you are freaking asking for it-

EDIT 14: 

There was no helping it. Xie Lian was ready to jump if all else fails anyway. Behind him San Lang stepped forward.

Xie Lian’s heart lurched and turned around.

With his arms crossed, the boy was nonchalantly looking over the dark, bottomless pit with an air of intrigue. This wasn’t a good sign, and Xie Lian called out, “San Lang?”

Hearing his call, San Lang looked over and smiled softly, “Don’t worry.”

(WHATEVER YOU ARE GONNA DO, DON’T DO IT. I’M NOT GONNA READ IT SO IT WON’T HAPPEN. I AM FREAKING SCARED BUT- well. san lang won’t get hurt, right? BUT I DON’T WANT HIM TO SUFFER EITHER. just look at this cutie pie smiling at his gege and telling him not to worry i’m done-)

San Lang took another step forward and was teetering dangerously on the edge. Both Xie Lian’s head and heart started pounding, and he called again, “Wait, San Lang, don’t move!”

At such height at the brink, the boy’s red clothes danced in the night breeze. San Lang glanced at him again with a smile, “Don’t be scared.”

“Come back here. Come back here and I won’t be scared.” Xie Lian said.

(THAT LAST SENTENCE. HEAVEN HELPS ME. 

shit shit shIT I’M CRYING OMG THEIR ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL XIE LIAN IS SO WORRIED SINCE HE IS STILL NOT SURE ABOUT HIS IDENTITY AND HE DOESN’T WANT TO RISK IT AND SAN LANG IS SO SOFT AND PROTECTIVE OF HIM GUYS MY HEART IS BEING TEARED APART I WANNA CRY THIS IS TO PRECIOUS HELP)

EDIT 15: XIE LIAN SCREAMING HIS NAME AND JUMPING AFTER HIM ONLY TO BE HELD BACK I AM DYING SO FAST RIGHT NOW

why did no one tell me this was so painfull-

EDIT 16: okay, why is a dead girl throwing them all down-

EDIT 17: 

He thought he was going to crater and flatten like a pancake like many times before when suddenly, in the darkness, there was a flash of silver.

A pair of hands lightly caught him.

Whoever it was caught him perfectly, as if this person was made just to catch him at the bottom. With a hand across his back to grasp his shoulders, another under his knees to support his weight, the dreadful gravity of the fall was dissolved to nothing. Still dazed and confounded from falling at such a height, Xie Lian unconsciously held on tight to that person’s shoulders and called, “San Lang?”

The pit was filled with darkness, nothing could be seen, including the person. But Xie Lian still called that name. The other didn’t respond so Xie Lian patted and squeezed the chest and shoulders just to make sure. “San Lang, is that you?”

(OKAY I AM ALIVE

I am not sure a posses the words to explain how i feel, but even if i knew san lang was gonna catch him (that he was fine), my heart is pounding so hard and i love how strongly xie lian is reacting to him, unconsciously feeling him up to make sure he is fine. i didn’t know it’d be like this, they are gonna be the end of me.)

It took a moment before he heard the boy’s low voice from very close to him, “I’m ok.”

Xie Lian didn’t know why, but this voice was curiously different than before.

(BECAUSE THAT’S HUA CHENG, BABE, AND IT’S HAPPENING? IS SAN LANG FINALLY SHOWING HIS TRUE FORM???? ARE THEY GONNA MEET NOW?!??!?!?!?!!??!?)

[tumblunni]

The cafe at the hotel + a nice meal WITH TERROR LURKING

I specifically asked for no peas because peas are a problem for me with my autism but OH WELL I GUESS PEAS and i was too embarassed to ask the damn chef to take it back and like..bin everything that touched the peas.

Its so fuckin stupid i feel like such a child

BUT

I know its really fuckin dumb but i feel really accomplished to say this is the first time i have ever finished a plate of peas without throwing up.

Its my fuckin weirdest brain problem, i get really oversensitive to some textures and its the height of extreme embarassment whenever it happens. I wish so fuckin much that it was something i got over when i grew up, it sucks to be a full grown adult and still get an involuntary gag reflex and full on pulse racing panic just from your tongue touching ONE PEA IN A THING. (Also sweetcorn cos its similar in texture)

And all the years of my childhood being told i was 'just being picky' and somehow making up being sick and just getting slapped and given more goddamn peas to train me out of it. Well all that ever accomplished was getting me to panic at the mere sight of the things and have to compulsively pick them out and pick out everything that touched them like man i cant even eat a thing that looks like it was near a pea!!!!

BUT HOLY HELL IVE FINALLY CRACKED IT IVE FINALLY CONQUERED MY STUPIDEST GODDAMN FOE

Not by 'just manning up' and doing it again and again until something changes. No, turns out this entire time i could have just made a really minor change to avoid the cause of the freakout. Cos this is actually the first time ive tried MUSHY PEAS

Yes, the epitome of cliche boring british person food was actually the solution all along???

See it was entirely a texture thing, and when theyre mashed up it just doesnt do anything at all. This is actually my first time even knowing what peas actually taste like! I cant believe my friggin PEA JITTERS were so strong i never even registered one percent of wtf they taste like. They taste like nothing?? Like just..generic vegetable. Slightly vinegary i guess. (Or do they put vinegar in mushy peas?) I still dont like them but i dont hate them either, and more importantly they dont destroy my entire frontal cortex with The Terror Sweats

So i was able to eat all those peas and now i know the secret technique to eat all peas for the rest of time! And it was a super easy thing that my parents could have done for me with minimal effort and saved all that trouble if they just actually listened to me all those years ago. I cant belueve i was so locked into the whole 'its your fault you have to keep trying you cant try doing it another way' mindset that i never simply squashed the pea under my fork and tried to see if it was better...

Though it still wasnt exactly easy, i had to try and eat this stuff while not actually looking at the peas cos itd make my stomach churn just thinking about them. I think i can get past that gut reaction eventually if i keep eating them in Safe Non Anxiety Form and like..rewire my brain to see this as a New Food instead. I dunno. Maybe put food colouring so they arent green?

It sucks that i have to go to such weird lengths to deal with my brainweirds but im just glad to have figured something out so i dont have to embarass myself again.

Most of my other touch-based sensitivities are stuff i can deal with like just not being able to deal with those outer ear headphones puttibg pressure on the back of my head or also hats that are too tight. I think it actually might be part ptsd from how my mum used to pull me by the back of my head. My support workrr touched me on my shoulder near the back of my neck the other day and i had such a spike of panic but i felt too embarassed to tell her about it. Like she was just tapping me to get my attention but its just..just please dont. And aside from that im also working on my big taste sensitivity to mint and bitter stuff. Today i had a lightly bitter green tea boba and i feel so grateful to my buddy for helping me find one tea i can handle! And ive found that i can deal with mint if its mixed with a second thing thats equally as strong. I tried this mint and pepper drink that sounded like itd be awful but it was actually amazing how it cancelles out the mint entirely! So i dunno should i buy some of that novelty spicy chewing gum and chew a stick of that along with the mint stuff? I have a low tolerance for spice but its not like an overstimulation thing its just regular having white guy tastebuds lol. Id much rather have a burning hot tongue than a burning hot brain!

I will slowly but surely find out a way to deal with all of my things!! Even if i cant ever get rid of them i can find a way to live with them, ykno?

Also i need to try and buy a fidget toy, i need to stop being too embarassed about that. My friend i met today is also autistic and she has a chew ring and im like WHOA i wish i could get over my anxiety enough to do that! Chewing on stuff is my biggest damn stim, i would destroy all my pens and pencils and chew bottlecaps so long they ended up as rubber, not to mention how much i wreck my nails and get so many cuts all over my hands whenever i get nervous. But it just seems like chewing on stuff is seem as the most immature type of autism symptom by neurotypical society. so im stuck too ashamed to buy the stuff actually designed to help us and instead i just keep doing it anyway and still embarassing myself but like also with a choking risk. I still remember when i accidentally choked on a coin and my dad spent the entire time i was in the emergency room making fun of me for it and saying i was a burden on the nhs for getting hospitalized and like..taking resources away from real problems. And how i was childish and r-worded and etc etc cant ever survive on your own cant ever be a fully sentient human being

Gahhh this has been a long tangeant but anyway this is why autism awareness and acceptance is good and also why you shouldnt make fun of people who have the 'weird version' of symptoms. Im not choosing to do this, seriously im way more upset by it than you are...

[oldmyths]

i wish i had given myself permission to talk about it as it was happening instead of trying to process it by myself. i wish i kept a journal or something where i just let all my feelings out in a healthy way instead of internalizing it because now i just have questions. i cant trust my judgement bc i don’t know and i can’t ask anyone for advice bc i’ll have some weird fucking bias or something

i hesitate to even really talk about it now because of that. like maybe it wasnt abuse and it probably wasnt but how come when we tried the second time it just ended the same? is it me? do i genuinely need to work some issues out with a professional before i try dating again? i mean like yes but i know about those. do i just self-sabotage so hard that i dont even know it? am i just conditioned to reject any kind of love towards me bc everyone in my life hurts me in one way or another and if they love me then anyone else who loves me will hurt me too

everyone in my life, capable of showing me compassion and love physically. my family. my friends do love me and i know this and i know none of them would actually try to hurt me but how do i know? my family loves me but they don’t understand me and they dont know me and im too afraid of trying to explain, im too tired of trying to explain that its just easier to not and deal with their anger and frustration

i dont want to date anyone i dont have feelings for anyone i dont know if im just saying that so i can stop feeling or if im trying to convince myself that not dating = safe; how can i think that? doesnt that sound like someone who was abused? or just very very hurt, repeatedly.

can you even abuse someone without knowing it? its not their fault. they even asked me if i thought they were. why would they ask me that? if they had to ask then does that mean that they werent? did they ask so they could hear me say theyre a good person while continuing to hurt me? did they ask me if they were hurting me bc i was hurting them and the only way they knew how to ask for help was to ask if they were doing something wrong?

but they were doing something wrong. hurting me. was i hurting them? probably. but mutual abuse isnt a thing right? but thats what it felt like. am i the abuser? am i just struggling with an intense, deep-rooted victim complex? mutual abuse doesnt exist. its all reactionary right? who started reacting first, them or me?

i stuck my neck out for them. i woke up an hour early just so i could message them before they went into art class. i didnt have the language back then to communicate how i felt. i came out to my parents because i felt i was given an ultimatum. if i dont do it theyll be upset, they might leave, they accuse me of putting it off bc im not in love with them, i dont want to see them in person, im ashamed of them. i came out. it was bad. nobody helped me. they say i changed. i was exhausted.

we tried again. i dont remember this. we tried being friends first but it was just so easy to go back into that state because i guess i still love them. or who they used to be and sometimes the light hit the mirror just right and it was like nothing changed at all. i dont remember this but they did something to hurt my trust, they lied to me. did i freak out? was it warranted? i hate it when people dont tell me something especially if it involves me. did i make the right choice? what if i didnt?

i know im not a good person. i know i have issues that i need to work through. how many more passes do i give myself until i just start wallowing in this puddle of pity that i cried for myself? am i at that point yet?

nothing makes sense anymore but they made sense and they would tell me what to do and it would be okay cos if they didnt know then we could figure it out together and if it was bad then at least i just felt something familiar. i dont know what im doing. i cant cling to someone who doesnt exist anymore and id never ever reach out to them bc for all of my crying theyre not the same as when we last spoke and i hate that it was so recent. two years ago. i still think about it.

theyre not the same because im not the same and i dont know if it would be more harrowing if we still fit together or if we didnt.

... i dont think they were abusive but they still hurt me and that doesnt make my pain less meaningful. i dont know anymore. i dont remember. i wish i could forget. or at least move on from this. im trying to be as forgiving as i can, to myself, but i need to move on. sometimes i feel like i have and then i remember. i need to feel things and not keep them hidden away. this isnt something to be ashamed about.

i wonder if i’ll delete this post or if that would feel like im still ashamed of myself. for being hurt and for letting it happen again and for wanting it and for missing it and for wishing they would when they would more than likely treat me better now. maybe. not that i deserve it. well maybe i do--deserve to be treated better--but not by them because my expectation for them is to hurt me and when it isnt met i would probably not be in love with them. maybe. thats too intricate to try and dissect. would i love them now? maybe. im not really that hard to please.

actually thats an awful thing to dissect and i wish i didnt. but im not erasing it bc i need to like. post this i guess. i had a point somewhere.

maybe i wasnt abused and maybe i wasnt the only victim in that relationship and both of those things can exist while i say that i still hurt and im still grieving and all of these things are allowed to be. its okay. ill be okay.

but that hozier song really fucks me up and maybe i shouldnt listen to it anymore. i definitely shouldnt listen to it anymore.