#the last time i had an actual birthday party was during 2020 over zoom and i planned the whole thing so it was terrible for me

[kerosene-saint]

maybe I'll have a small birthday party and ask for a laptop for my birthday next year

[deathnoting]

just a personal post about my unmanageable poly feelings

so i made some post about having a crush on my boyfriend’s ex-wife which was mostly a joke/just like a vibe, but now i’m going to make a v real post about a v real crush that i thought i was over but am certainly not. also poly, also someone with a close relationship to both my boyfriend and i, our friend E who i have been like slightly in love with on & off for like 2 years

- we all became friends pre-pandemic. actually E became friends with my bf first. she is exactly my age, and my boyfriend is 23 years older than both of us, but whatever. he prob has more friends my age than i do. (he has a lot of friends, and twenty-something girls & queer people especially love him bc he has angel mom energy)

- anyway we all worked together and my bf & E hit it off as soon as she started and he was like “you should become friends with E, i think you would love her” and i was like “girl you don’t know me” (we had been dating for like 2 years at this point i’m just disagreeable on instinct lmao). anyway i started hanging out with E and big surprise he was right, i fucking loved her. like a lot

- so anyway around late 2019/early 2020, the three of us were hanging out a lot, and she & i were hanging out a lot on our own, and i just got a huuuuge crush on her. i tried to repress it bc that’s my thing, but i had recurring dreams about making out with her so i was like. shit

- and i specifically had very strong poly feelings bc the three of us were just??? in love idk. she would often sleep over at our house on the fold out futon and one time my bf like did a big blanket swoosh over her and then kissed her goodnight on the forehead very chastely, and that was like? just the general energy. E’s parents are very shit and my bf just mommy’d her a lot, idk how else to say it? we cultivated very good found family vibes

- so anyway i eventually told my bf how i felt although i was very nervous bc we had never talked about poly anything. and he had been (rightfully) pretty hurt and upset when i got drunk and made out with a very hot girl at a halloween party so i was just like. he’s gonna be hurt or he’s not gonna be into it? but he was sooo supportive & just like, “yeah i know exactly what you mean.” i honestly don’t think he has ever had a strong sexual attraction to E but we talked out all our poly family fantasies about her & also it opened the door to. a lot of kinks but w/e

- anyway all this happened in early 2020 and then like literally a few weeks before covid hit and everything locked down, E got a boyfriend (another coworker and our mutual friend). i remember the night she told me bc i had been like sweating nervously to go out for pie with her (we had like an almost weekly pie shop date at that point) and then i just went home and cried to my boyfriend. i had known that it was a very loooong shot (many times your friends don’t want to date you & your much older boyfriend - i understand that, it’s cool) but idk i was just crushed by it anyway.

- so whatever, pandemic, there was a lot of craziness. we all got laid off and the bf & i laid low and we zoomed her a few times but mostly we didn’t see her for like the better part of a year and a half. she brought us christmas presents one year, we brought her a huge amount of birthday shit, but like she was very worried about getting covid bc she has had a lot of savings destroying, life altering health issues in the past so we just didn’t see each other. anyway, she moved in with that boyfriend and then they broke up last summer and i remember when she called me to talk about it i was like? oh wow? i’m over her? like i wasn’t like hopeful or anything, i was like, i’m just a totally chill supportive friend?

- so ok, our work reopened, she and my bf started woking together again, i worked there for a little while during the holidays but am just doing school full time rn, but we started hanging out a little again. and then after we all got covid in early january, we started hanging out together a lot. and now i’m back in the same boat???? i have a big crush again

- but joke’s on me bc she has another boyfriend now. who lives in montreal, and she’s going to move to canada for a year (or potentially forever) to be with him??? so now. i’m??? suffering???

- the big reasons i’m suffering???

- 1) she wants to do mushrooms with me bc she is just struggling a lot with mental health and knows (from other friends as well as me) that it can fucking really change the game. (this is another story but yeah. i haven’t been depressed once since a pretty life altering mushroom trip i did last spring, and i have suffered recurring bouts of physically debilitating depression many many times a year since i was like 13 so. yeah.) that’s great for her and i want to help her but i’m a little worried if i’m on mushrooms with her i’m going to??? show my hand? tell her or otherwise communicate my feelings to her?? i was thinking of telling her outright beforehand & seeing if she still wants to do them, bc honestly i would be so upset with myself if i fucked up a possibility of emotional healing for her by confessing my feelings so. yeah. idk!!!!

- 2) last week when she was sleeping over, after our other friend left and my bf went to bed, i stayed up late downstairs with her and we talked about her impending move and her relationship and she started crying and saying she wasn’t sure if she was making the right decision? she really loves her bf i think but she was like, what if i can’t adapt to a new city? what if i get rid of all my shit and then things fall apart and i move back and have nothing? she said she wasn’t sad about leaving before bc she was barely seeing anyone anyway, but now that “we’re all hanging out again” she’s super sad to leave. and inside i’m just like!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stay with me!!!!!! but honestly it’s not workable bc she can’t afford to stay in our city now that everything’s so expensive, and it’s not like she could move in. we don’t have the space and we have my bf’s two kids half the week. if we had a house with a spare room then i’d confess my love for her on the spot, but we work at a bookstore. we're 2 adults & 2 kids living in a 2 bedroom apartment. we cannot afford a serious girlfriend???

- 3) ok last thing is that on the same night last week she said (to all of us) “honestly i know this is fucked up bc i keep having boyfriend after boyfriend but i think i’m only physically attracted to women. like i love the people i love emotionally, and trust is the most important thing to me, but i just. only really want to have sex with women.” and i’m like !!!!!!!!!!! screaming inside???? have sex with me and be in a loving romantic/platonic/familial relationship with my bf??? i’m down, he’s down???? he doesn’t need to have sex with you??? don’t move out of the country for someone you’re not physically attracted to???? (i know, i know, love is complex, not everybody prioritizes sex as much as i do, but??? maybe she would prioritize sex if she. had fulfilling sex? with me?) (sorry!!!! i’m just??? i’m suffering)

- 4) ok last thing is she said she told another mutual friend “jaye and john’s [bf] apartment is honestly one of the only places in the world where i feel safe” and that as she was saying it she started tearing up????

- ??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m ?? s u f f e r i n g

[artificialqueens]

Chase the Shadows Away (Taywhora) - Juno

Summary: It’s April 2020, the UK is in lockdown, and Tayce gets a hand-delivered letter from her neighbour Aurora which may change her life.

A/N: So this is set during lockdown and does mention covid, so please bear this in mind when reading if this will be a worry, but otherwise I hope you enjoy. CWs in place for alcohol, mental health mentions, and non-adherence to lockdown rules at one point. 

Otherwise it’s quite fluffy with some h/c. I hope you enjoy.

The first letter Tayce got was in early April.

She hadn’t had much post since the whole country had been locked down, no one allowed to move outside their front doors for more than once a day for threat of fines and penalties and even getting sick. Most of the letters she was getting this week had been birthday cards for her absent housemate. She’d put the various brightly-coloured cards and Amazon boxes in a pile outside Viv’s bedroom door, and gave the pile the middle finger every time she walked past it.

But today there was a plain, white envelope, with “Hi” written on it in glittery red pen, and when Tayce opened it, she found a piece of notebook paper that had been folded at least four times, and Tayce nearly threw it across the room with the effort it was taking to open.

This had better be worth it.

When she got it unfolded, she read the three lines in the same glitter pen, then again, and once more just in case.

‘Hi, I’m Aurora. I’m on my own in my flat 7D because my housemate moved home because of lockdown, and you seem to be alone too. Want to write to each other? X’

And Tayce couldn’t hold back the rush of emotion, as much as she tried - but she was alone, and she took comfort knowing only these four walls would see tears stream down her face.

——

Tayce was on her own in the flat.

In the day time she opened her work laptop, thanking god she was allowed to work from home; throwing a hoodie over her pyjama top just in time for the 9am meeting where her boss grinned at everyone and told them all to keep swimming and chin up and whatever other self-indulgent bullshit she had read in her How To Motivate Your Teammanual in the chapter about Managing Pandemics. 

Tayce was still surprised at how much bullshit her workmates seemed to swallow; all of them with the same broad smiles and straightened hair and shaved chins and eyeliner, for fuck’s sake - but Tayce copied them, knowing that not painting her own smile and her own eyebrows on was damning herself for the inevitable call and the simpering It’s Good To Talk conversation, followed by u k hun xx to be flashing repeatedly in the work WhatsApp group from all the team.

In the evenings, the only noise was the clink of the glass bottle against the wine glass. One glass was enough to make her a little sleepy, two was enough to make her dance, and three was enough to make her post something cryptic on her insta story and see if anyone DMed her. 

Sometimes they did. 

Joe liked to crack a few morbid jokes about how it was the apocalypse and we were all going to be dead by 2021, which didn’t help Tayce in the slightest. Ginny would message “You alright, bab?” at three in the morning, but never reply to any other message. Tia would send Tayce a picture of the banana bread she’d baked as if that would cheer Tayce up.

And Cherry sent her a message one time, telling her to look after her mental health, and then Tayce felt bad because Cherry worked for the NHS and only seemed to work and sleep right now, her insta photos showing her looking more and more gaunt, with #ClapForHeroes and #ProtectTheNHS appearing at the bottom of all her posts.

Nothing curbed the gaping black hole in Tayce’s chest, sucking everything that was good from her body and leaving her a shell.

Until the letter arrived.

——

Two days after she’d posted her own letter back to 7D, another letter arrived, in the same glittery red pen, this time addressed to her, with Tayce written on the front of the envelope this time.

‘Hi Tayce (sp?) nice to meet you, don’t worry I don’t know what to say either! Where in Wales are you from? I’m from Nottingham but I came to London for uni and didn’t leave! Are you still working rn? I got furloughed which is a bit shit. And my housemate is staying with her boyfriend so she can’t move back. Have you been clapping for the NHS? Someone on my floor was banging a pan or something!! Hope your ok? WB Aurora xx’

“I’m making a new friend,” Tayce had said to her mum on the phone later that night.

“In lockdown?”

“She’s delivering me letters.”

“How?”

“By hand, mum.” Tayce forced a laugh. “You know. Through the letterbox like a normal letter.”

“I hope you’re washing your hands before and after you open them, are you?”

“Yeah, of course,” Tayce grimaced as she said it.

“Good. Stay safe. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

One of these days, Tayce thought as she disconnected the call, she might be able to say it without her voice breaking.

——

By mid-April, a full month since lockdown had started and two weeks after the first letters between them, Aurora had given Tayce her instagram handle, and Tayce had given hers in return. Tayce found herself spending all of her Good Friday skimming down the page on moreauroramore, looking through all of her new pen pal’s photos and trying desperately not to look like an idiot by accidentally double-tapping any that were obviously over a year old.

Tayce had pictured Aurora in her mind as being over-excitable, short, with dark hair and lots of dusty pinks and baby blues and other pastel colours as her aesthetic, maybe with pot plants and cat pictures and cutesy little slogans surrounded by hearts. Instead she’d found a smolderingly attractive woman with a ridiculously versatile and sophisticated sense of fashion; one photo in a rococo-inspired summer dress, and the next in a cerulean blazer, matching trousers, and stilettos. Her hair was platinum-blonde, but it was hard to tell her eye colour as she seemed to own a never-ending plethora of colour contacts; and the eyebrow ring in the early pictures was replaced by a silver septum ring in later ones. 

Her own insta looked quite plain in comparison, Tayce thought to herself. The landscapes she liked to post were interesting to her but probably not to the magnificent person on Aurora’s insta. The last picture Tayce had taken was of herself with her brother and niece in red rugby shirts just before the Six Nations was on; the last selfie before the last time she’d gone home which was … only February, she realised. 

February felt like years ago.

When Tayce had awoken the next morning, she was greeted by the doorbell, and an Amazon driver sprinting away the moment she opened the door. A letter was on the doormat, in the familiar red glittery pen, and a single chocolate Easter egg. 

‘Happy Easter Tayce. Don’t know if you celebrate but lol thought you would like some chocolate anyway! Don’t eat it all at once. Aurora xx’

It made Tayce’s gut wrench with guilt that she hadn’t thought to get Aurora one.

But it made Tayce even more pained, once she had clicked onto her instagram, to see that moreauroramore had liked all thirteen of the pictures she’d posted this year.

——

The zoom call at the end of April with the others from her uni group, saw not just Cherry missing, but also Ellie and Veronica.

“Ellie’s moving this week,” Lawrence nodded at the screen, “but that was all she’d tell me. She didn’t say where. Or if she’s staying in Dundee or anything. I just know she’s still trying to get her internet set up and I think she’s a bit stuck.”

“What about Vee?” Ginny asked in a low voice.

They all recognised the somber tone. They’d all taken it up. A change in their voices that all of them recognised in a kind of collective telepathic awareness. A hush in the calls, as if someone were dying, or had just died. Whenever anyone was missing, it was always the same worry circling all of their minds: what if it’s covid what if it’s covid what if it’s -

Tia was shaking her head. “It’s not covid,” she said, reading the minds of everyone through the internet, but her voice was still solemn as she continued. “I spoke to her mum. She’s -“

“Say depressed, Tia, it’s fine.” Bimini spoke gently, but not all of them were as open as Bimini was. Especially when it came to Veronica, who was a brick wall when it came to showing what she was feeling.

“She’s - not in a good place.”

“Say mental health,” Bimini said, shaking their head. “It’s okay to not be okay.”

“I don’t think that’s gonna make her feel any better, Bim.” Tia rolled her eyes. 

“We’re all feeling this,” Pip nodded. “We all need to talk to each other.”

“Veronica won’t. Not yet. We just need to be there for her when she does. Anyway, who’s done anything interesting? Anyone else been trying banana bread? Everyone managed to find bogroll from somewhere now? No one is having the same problem that Joe had when she -“

“I don’t think we need to go any further with that one, love,” Joe muttered.

“I’ve made a pen friend.”

Everyone sat in stunned silence at Tayce’s sentence, mouths open like fish at feeding time.

“A pen friend? What is this, 1986?”

“Shut up, Ginny. I think that’s kind of cute, actually,” Tia mused, tilting her head to one side. 

Tayce nodded. “Something a bit different. She lives in my block of flats. Two floors up from me. Been nice, to talk to someone, ever since Viv buggered off to her boyfriend’s house. Seriously, as soon as Boris announced lockdown she was jumping in her car and off to Liverpool.”

“You said she was a bit flaky,” Tia said sympathetically. “What’s your new pen pal’s name?”

“Aurora.”

“A-what?” Ginny raised their eyebrows. “Can we just call her Rory?”

“No.”

“We should get her on a call with us when Veronica’s back. Ronni and Rory, sounds like Ant and Dec will have some stiff competition when they get wind of that.”

“Ginny -“ Tia began, but Tayce was trying to hold back a chuckle. 

——

‘Someone is talking about a street party on the 8th of May. Are you gonna go? I was gonna stay indoors but if you’re gonna go outside i will too xx’

Tayce knew she shouldn’t be thinking of meeting strangers outside her flat while the pandemic was ongoing, but she hadn’t seen a familiar human since March other than on a zoom call screen. 

‘Hi Aurora, yeah i will go outside for a little bit. Look forward to meeting you properly instead of over letters! Tayce’

And Tayce finally stopped hesitating, adding two kisses on the end for the first time.

The weather was meant to be lush for a May bank holiday, as Tayce knew because her colleagues wouldn’t shut up about it. Almost eight weeks of lockdown were beginning to show the cracks in all their faces - no more eyeliner, and even Linda in Accounts had stopped posting boomerang videos of her kids doing Joe Wicks workouts while she waved her arms behind them. 

So Tayce was over the moon when Friday rolled around and she could slam the Dismiss button on her phone alarm, turn over and sleep in until noon. Once she woke up though, she sat up with a jolt in her bed and realised she’d have to get ready; somehow it was important that she looked right today. 

It was a power play, she knew it. An armour. But there was just something about clothes that made her mood turn in an instant. Her favourite leather jacket was probably a bit too heavy for the warm sunshine - warm sunshine? In May? - so she opted for the black denim instead and a skirt that hugged her slender figure, leaving her hair loose and wishing she’d gone for a trim before the lockdown. Maybe she should take her scissors to it? 

She held the only scissors she had to hand - a pair of craft scissors - and wondered what her hairdresser mum would say if she knew that her daughter had taken non-styling scissors to the 30-inches of hair that she had. 

No - better not. Her mum could give her a go over once the lockdown period had ended.

Someone was playing tunes on a speaker already when Tayce came down the stairs, dragging the garden chair Viv had left behind and brushing the digestive crumbs off it. One of the neighbours she recognised from her floor handed her an ice-cold can of Fosters which she sipped, not really enjoying the taste but relishing the freedom of it all. She knew to keep two metres from everyone, and she knew Cherry would absolutely murder her if she disobeyed that rule.

As soon as Aurora came into view from the block of flats, Tayce knew that keeping to the two metre rule would prove a little harder than she had first thought.

Aurora’s insta pictures showed a fashion model trapped in a little box on a screen, striving to get out - but in the flesh, she looked as if she had just rolled out of the living room after a Tiger King marathon. The grey jogging bottoms paired with the crop top and zip-up hoodie were probably too warm for today - 23 degrees, the radio kept repeating - but she made them look so effortless and stylish that Tayce suddenly wanted to buy some. Her platinum hair was piled in a messy bun, dark brown roots showing but the lackadaisical nature made it seem like Aurora meant it that way.

On her insta page, Aurora was way out of Tayce’s league; but here in life, she seemed a lot more accessible, a lot calmer, a lot more real. 

Maybe it’s armour for her too. All this perfection in the photos. God. Why did I wear this?

She dropped her own deck chair down a reasonable distance from Tayce, taking another can of Fosters from the same neighbour and cracking it open. She took a swig, wiped her mouth on the back of her hand, and waved.

“Hi, Tayce. Here we are, then!”

“Yeah,” was the only thing Tayce could think of in response. Really cool. Very clever.

But Aurora was talking animatedly about how much she’d missed the sun, as she pulled a pair of sunglasses from her pocket and leaned back against the deck chair, claiming “Tesco are having them on sale - two for £12, so I got two - what else am I gonna do on furlough other than sunbathe!”

And the more the Fosters flowed - their neighbour’s 24-pack almost completely gone before 5pm, he seemingly wanting to give a can to the whole block - the more Aurora opened up her life history to Tayce. 

How much she wished she was still in Worksop and could go on the long walks into the forest. How she’d give anything to hug her mum, a care-worker, and how she FaceTimed her shielding grandad every Sunday at 6.30 just after he finished his tea. 

But most of all, how lonely it was every single night being alone in a flat in a huge city. Aurora dabbed her watery eyes with her thumbs as she described how much she loved everything that London had to offer when it was full of people, not dead to the world like it was now - and in this hollow place that lockdown was, she’d discovered that a city - any city, however exciting - was just a built-up area if you had no one to share it with. 

Tayce hadn’t expected to cry. She’d cried maybe once or twice this whole time in lockdown, still too numb to have taken everything in that was happening. But the moment she’d opened her mouth, suddenly the Fosters had started talking for her too, and she was spilling out her worries onto the pavement below them as Aurora rubbed her back. 

How her mum was furloughed from the hairdresser and her dad was always out in the lorry up and down the country. Her brother and sister-in-law, and her niece, were all still fine in Newport, but Tayce had missed her niece’s birthday, having to settle for blowing her a kiss down FaceTime and promising her through gritted teeth and cold fear that she’d give her the biggest cwtch ever as soon as this was over.

But now Tayce was in tears again, this time on Aurora’s shoulder, releasing her sorrows onto this woman who she had only exchanged written words with; now seeing her true soul laid bare in emotions that just refused to stop once she started. Aurora’s gentle hands ghosted through her hair, but then gripped Tayce tightly to her chest, planting a long, tender kiss on her hairline. 

How had this happened? How had social distancing become this? Two people, thinking they were islands, clinging to one another for dear life?

Tayce held her for too long.

Aurora’s hands froze as she realised what she had done at the same moment Tayce had.

Cherry is gonna kill me.

Aurora walked with Tayce back to her flat as the sun was setting. It was nine in the evening, the heat finally starting to break, and both of them were aching and tired, spent from their tears. Aurora gave Tayce’s hand a gentle squeeze but said nothing else, her eyes red underneath her sunglasses, and Tayce had felt herself harden once again, turning the key in the door and closing the outside world back to where it should be.

——

After two weeks had passed, both of them not developing any symptoms after their contact, Tayce had an idea. 

She put the letter through the letterbox in 7D at midday when she broke for lunch, and had a reply by half past one, a new record for Aurora.

‘Tayce, I’d love to form a support bubble with you. I thought you would have one already thats why i didn’t ask! Want to put on a film tonight and just chill? Bubble bud? Aurora xx’

So Tayce saw inside Aurora’s flat for the first time that same evening. After work, she practically sprinted up the stairs, thankful to get away from more of u k hun xx and her still-simpering colleagues.

It was very clean, as if it had only just been cleaned that day - freshly-washed surfaces, hoovered carpets, a sparkling bathroom - and Tayce marvelled at how tidy and orderly things were, a stark contrast from her own living space which had evolved into a nest of mess by now. Aurora’s living room and kitchen space were one area, with a mismatched sofa and chair facing the tv screen, hooking up a PS4 - Tayce hadn’t counted Aurora as a Dishonoured player either. The wall opposite the window was filled with small pictures of past fashion models - Kate Moss, Agyness Deyn, Cara Delevigne - all with matte black frames which had obviously been painted in lockdown, as one was on the coffee table drying over a copy of Hello magazine.

“My housemate’s not coming back, I can see it happening now,” Aurora shrugged, “so why not make the house the way I like it while I look for someone else to live with?”

Aurora poured Tayce a huge glass of wine, and that was followed by another; while she topped up her own glass liberally and kept shifting on the sofa as if trying to get comfortable. Tayce, for her part, took the chair instead, while Aurora tapped on the PlayStation controller to try to get Netflix up. The more she drank, the more cumbersome the controller seemed to become in her hands, until Tayce leaned over and took it away from her, Aurora’s fingers lingering a little too long on it before relinquishing.

When Aurora got up, meaning to pour them both a fourth glass of wine, she slipped on something and tumbled into Tayce’s lap in the chair, tittering something that sounded like “god I’m clumsy” through the giggles that came from her, unable to stop. Tayce slapped her on the back as she started coughing, but as that died down, Aurora straightened up, picking up Tayce’s hand in hers and drawing her up and away to join her on the sofa.

Lockdown had been so fucking lonely.

Aurora’s hand in hers was all Tayce needed to dissolve every wall she was still rebuilding from May Bank Holiday.

Aurora’s eyes were on her, she knew; through her peripheral vision as she tried desperately to cling to her focus on whatever episode of Tiger King this was.

When Tayce finally met her gaze, she averted it, turning her face to the window opposite them. Almost … playfully.

So Tayce looked back at the TV screen, but Aurora’s hand squeezed at hers, thumb in her palm pressing right in the centre, the pressure somehow travelling all the way to her gut. Tayce turned back to her, and this time Aurora did not look away.

“God, you’re gorgeous.”

Aurora looked at her through her eyelashes, lips parted in a smirk, curiously searching Tayce with her gaze as if wondering what her next move would be.

Tayce blinked incredulously. “Me? Like this? What do you mean, I’m gorgeous? Have you seen yourself?”

“And that accent, oh my days -“

“Go to Newport, we all sound like this.”

But the wine was hitting hard now and oh god lockdown is so fucking lonely and Tayce’s feet on the floor suddenly felt unsteady and Aurora was so fucking close to her on the sofa -

——

Once the hangover was gone, the memory of rest of the night felt like a dream, or maybe a nightmare. Tayce wasn’t entirely sure when she’d gone back to her flat, but she had, long before night had fully fallen and long after she was sure the burgeoning friendship she was finally making with someone lay in tatters two floors up from her.

The wine had washed away the strength she’d had, leaving her raw and vulnerable, and all the affection that had been growing since Aurora had first held her bubbled and burst into life. And Aurora must have felt the same magnetic pull, drawing them together across the sofa, nail marks still present in Tayce’s back that she could see in the mirror, a bruise forming on Tayce’s collarbone as Aurora had dipped a little lower. 

It had been Tayce who had halted it - not because she hadn’t wanted to, but because she couldn’t decipher how much of this was affection and how much of this was just two lonely people, starved of company, starved of normality, seeking and clinging to it in any form.

And now it was the following day, and Tayce still didn’t know.

The group call at the end of the day was interesting. She stretched over the back of the sofa in her living room to grab her water, and that must have been enough to flash a sliver of skin. 

“What’s that?” Lawrence asked loudly, prompting everyone else to go quiet. “Tayce? What’s that on your chest, hmm?”

“I didn’t see anything.”

“You’re not wearing your glasses, Ginny, you can’t see shit. What’s that on your chest? Why d’you have a bruise there?”

“Hi!” Ellie’s voice as she joined the call unexpectedly saved Tayce any further embarrassment; everyone shrieked when she came on, having missed the last two zoom calls following her move. “Thank God my internet is working now, I’ve missed all your faces!”

Tayce silently thanked Ellie’s timing and contentedly listened to the rest of them as they chatted about everything and nothing that they’d all missed. All of them were there; even Cherry showed up about twenty minutes in to wave at them and blow them kisses, her face even more pallid than before; before ducking back out to go to bed. 

Only Veronica was still missing.

“She’s been messaging me,” Tia explained, “and she said she’s feeling a bit better, but since she got furloughed, she’s feeling like there’s no point getting out of bed or getting ready because there’s nowhere to go.”

“Send her some love,” Tayce said, but Tia snorted.

“You send her it! She’s gonna feel better if she knows we all miss her.”

It was true though, Tayce realised after they all disconnected. They all seemed to be drifting apart, no more energy to continue with these online gatherings, even though there were so many virtual meetup groups and apps that there almost seemed to be no excuse now.

She looked back through her phone messages. She hadn’t messaged Veronica since early April, taking her silence as a sign that she wanted to be left alone; but what if it wasn’t? Veronica was a closed fist, everyone knew that. And Tayce’s brother? Again, early April, and a quick call the week after for her niece’s birthday. 

Lockdown, and self-isolation, seemed to be one and the same. 

So Tayce spent the rest of the afternoon sending messages to everyone she had neglected since then. Maybe they would reply, and maybe they wouldn’t - but there was no harm in reaching out, no negative consequences. 

By the end of the day, she was fielding messages back and forth from everyone she thought she’d lost through lockdown, the grey cloud over her head starting to lift, the fuzzy feeling disappearing and clarity settling in. She felt light, lighter than she had in weeks; and warm as the summery days they were getting in this late-May spring.

Towards the end of the day, she got a message back from Veronica at last.

Veronica: I’m doing ok. I got up and went for a walk today just to the park and back. It’s really nice although my hay fever sucks. Thanks for checking in on me i appreciate it x  Veronica: Oh also Tia said you had a hickey on the group call haha tell me what her name is x

Tayce was surprised to realise she was grinning at the phone as she read Veronica’s message, her fingers stroking the mark on her collarbone as if to savour the vivid image that it sparked in her head.

——

It was three days after their drunken kiss on the sofa that Tayce had another letter through the door. The same red glittery pen, the same scrawl, but the writing a little smaller as if Aurora wanted to diminish herself.

‘Hi Tayce. I’m really sorry if i came on too strong this week. Can we go back to friends? Want to hang out tonight, bubble bud? Aurora xx’

Tayce swallowed down the part of her that immediately rose up and cried that she … didn’t want to just be friends. 

Then it hit her.

God. I only met this girl properly this month. What’s wrong with me?

But she replied and immediately started clearing the house. 

She put the pile of Viv’s birthday cards and presents from the hallway floor into a cupboard under the sink, giving it the middle finger again; put the six-weeks worth of laundry on to wash; cleaned all the dishes; and dragged the hoover out of the tiny airing cupboard and got to work on the carpets. The hard floors she swept, and carried the bin bags out to the communal bins, all before midday.

“Who needs Joe Wicks workouts?” She muttered to herself, panting, as she tugged some marigolds over her hands to sort out the rest of the kitchen. 

By the time it was six, and time for Aurora to arrive, Tayce thought the house looked much better, and honestly, she felt much better too. The little spring clean she’d given the place had cleared a little clutter from her head as well. 

It’s nothing to worry about. She’d just coming over for food and -

Tayce grimaced as she realised she hadn’t thought of what to do for food. She thought back to the beans on toast she’d had at four and kicked herself for not thinking of that. Dominos was still delivering, so she brought up the app and busied herself looking through the list of pizzas.

Aurora hadn’t arrived by ten past six, and Tayce started to worry.

Maybe she’s changed her mind.

But Tayce refused to let that thought take any root. She looked at the clock, which of course seemed to slow down from having eyes on it, and firmly told herself that she would message Aurora at quarter past if she wasn’t here before.

With a minute to spare, Aurora turned up, grinning merrily and waving the bottle of rose in Tayce’s face.

“Hey bubble bud! Sorry I’m late, well I’m always late, sorry in advance if you expect me on time for anything!” Aurora took a step inside and her jaw dropped. “Wow, your place is well nice!”

“Thanks,” Tayce grinned, although she wasn’t sure what Aurora was looking at. Tayce wasn’t allowed anything on the walls from what her landlord said, but Aurora wouldn’t stay still - checking out the titles of the handful of CDs Tayce had brought down to London with her; scanning a nail along the books on the shelf above the TV.

“It’s nice to hold a book sometimes,” Tayce shrugged, “rather than just read it on the kindle app.”

When Aurora got to the kitchen, Tayce cringed. She’d have to confess.

“I haven’t got in anything to eat. Only - only some bread.”

“And pot noodles,” Aurora added, opening a cupboard and helping herself to the contents as if she’d lived here her whole life.

“And pot - oh, are you thinking, maybe …”

“No way!” Aurora slammed the cupboard door and grabbed her keys again. “Be right back!”

Ten minutes later and Tayce was at the hob over the oven with Aurora, dicing onions while she cut up a red pepper, mince that Aurora had grabbed from her own fridge was out and ready to go in too.

“I needed to use that up anyway,” she shrugged. “Please tell me you don’t just eat bread and pot noodles, Tayce, please. I need to give you a cooking crash course if you do! Didn’t you learn to cook at uni? Or didn’t you do much cooking before you went? Oh my days - no fry the onion off first, with the garlic - I’ll chop the mushrooms, Jesus Christ pot noodles …”

“I know how to cook, give me some credit!” Tayce murmured, but she couldn’t stop smiling. “I just haven’t been to the shop yet, it’s been a long week.”

Aurora closed her eyes and hummed in appreciation. “Just keep talking to me, please.”

“What about?”

“Anything! Your life, your family - I don’t know, house prices, I don’t care - but that accent, ugh -“ Aurora shivered.

“Yours is cute, too,” Tayce smirked.

Aurora looked at her reproachfully. “You’re lying.”

“Yeah, I am.”

It was no use. The air was full of electricity, static around them, and before Tayce knew what was happening, suddenly they were kissing again, this time stone-cold sober, while the onions burned shadows into the bottom of the pan.

——

Viv gave her notice on the flat at the start of June. 

“I just can’t afford to live here anymore,” she explained, sighing, when she got back and started to pack up everything in her room. “I’m gonna see if I can get some work back home.”

Tayce was numb, although she knew Viv didn’t mean it personally. It wasn’t her fault that she’d been made redundant straight after the lockdown ended, and it made sense that she wanted to be near her family. It was now four months since Tayce had seen hers, and she missed them every day, although she had been sticking religiously to her new routine of calling her parents every Saturday night and her brother’s family every Sunday afternoon. 

“I’m sorry that’s putting you in a tight spot, Tayce,” Viv muttered, hugging her, and Tayce hugged her back.

“Can’t be helped,” Tayce replied, which was all she could think to respond with that wasn’t an inarticulate growl in frustration.

Viv was adamant she would pay her final month’s rent, and pay her half the utilities even though she wasn’t there. But she had to go home.

“How was your move?” Tayce asked Ellie on the next group call on zoom.

“Shite,” Ellie replied, “but partly because we struggled finding someone to move us. There’s plenty of places around, plenty of places to rent and stuff, because everyone’s moved back to where they came from.”

“You’ll find somewhere else to live, bab,” Ginny murmured in a soothing voice to Tayce, stroking the side of the laptop screen as she liked to do to show affection now that she couldn’t hug anyone. 

“I know,” Tayce sighed. “It’s just a pain in the arse.”

She wasted no time. One of the spare room websites was always open in the background, and she was refreshing, looking maybe a little further out from central London to see if anywhere was cheaper, but nowhere was.

Then she spotted the dot in her own block of flats, and clicked the advert.

That’s - that’s Aurora’s flat.

Now she remembered. Aurora had mentioned something about her housemate moving out! It must now be official. 

She read through the advert - how was it £50 cheaper than what she was already paying? - and looked at the contact name for the housemate, and there it was in black and white pixels: Aurora Martin, use form below.

Grabbing a piece of notebook paper - one of the last bits left, she’d been ripping them all out to write to Aurora - she penned a letter, one of what might well be the last ones, and jogged upstairs to post it through her letterbox.

The response came back to her in less than an hour, a new record for Aurora.

‘Tayce! I’d love it if you wanted to move in here! OMG. My landlord will want references from yours, but if you can get them quick then he can approve you really fast, he’s working from home. OMG you made my day. Come up at 7pm xx’

“Work contacted me today too,” Aurora beamed as she settled with Tayce on the sofa. “They want me to start back next week! Can’t wait. Need to get that coin again now! I mean, I’m dead grateful, you know, that I still have my job and I was on furlough so the government paid most of my wages, but it will be nice to have the full package again!”

“What is it you do again?” Tayce asked.

“Oh - I work as a fashion buyer. But because fashion’s kind of stopped right now, most of the designers are shut. Reopening now, especially the ones in mainland Europe! Can’t wait to be on the phone to them all again.”

“Wait. You speak to designers in other countries?”

Aurora nodded. “I speak French and Spanish.”

“You -“ Tayce was dazed. “I didn’t know that!”

“Well why would you? I mean you’ve only known me a couple of months!” Aurora laughed, and leaned back closer to Tayce, her perfume overwhelmingly sweet in the air. “You’re not gonna know everything about me yet, bubble bud.”

“No,” Tayce purred, “but I can’t wait to find out.”

——

By the Monday after the move, early July, Tayce was all set up to go. She’d moved the bed into the corner as she liked it, arranged her books into a rainbow as she liked them, and unfurled the posters she’d been unable to hang in her last flat, mostly punk bands that she liked, Bimini’s band’s poster, and the noticeboard with all the tickets tacked to it of all the gigs she’d been to. The vanity with the mirror that she’d brought from home fitted perfectly next to the window so she could do her makeup with natural light; and it was large enough for her work setup, which was where she was now.

The flat layout was almost identical to the one she’d just left, and the room was the same one - Aurora having the slightly bigger room - but it felt a lot more comforting, knowing she wasn’t alone here any more, knowing she had a little more freedom in decorations, and knowing that the hollow feeling in her chest was starting to slow down for good.

She turned off her work laptop at five as normal, which was when Aurora came in. Tayce pulled her in, giving her a peck on the lips. 

“They’re gonna love you, I promise.”

Aurora just made a moan in the back of her throat and put her face in her hands, shrinking away from the vanity.

Tayce turned on her personal laptop, logging into zoom and connecting to the group chat. Her monthly uni call was set to half four today for some reason, and everyone else was already all there.

“Tayce! We wondered where you’d got to!”

It was Veronica’s voice, and Veronica’s face was in the top left. She still looked a little tired, and the shirt she was wearing looked suspiciously like a pyjama top, but she was here with them all, and this was a big step for her.

Tayce beamed at her. “So good to see you!”

“The move went alright then, bab?” Ginny asked.

Tayce nodded. “And there’s someone you should meet.” She pulled Aurora into frame, who still looked uncharacteristically shy for a moment before waving at the people on the screen. “This is Aurora.”

“Aurora!” Tia squeaked. “Like the princess!”

Aurora rolled her eyes. “Yes.”

“So we’ve got Rory and Ronni here together at last!” Lawrence exclaimed, while Veronica gave the camera two fingers.

But Tayce just grinned at her friends on the screen, far apart but together in this strange way. Aurora’s nails dug into her shoulder, still a little nervous, but even that was fading as she got more comfortable. 

Aurora had been right - the city was just a lot of bricks in intricate patterns without someone in it that made it a home. 

And this just might be becoming one.

[megbox]

2020 Year in Review

Previous Posts: (2019) (2018) (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011) 

2020 is a weird year because as the world goes through something collectively extremely traumatic and that is radically changing the structure of our lives, our workplaces, the way we connect socially, our mental health… our response to disease…. SO MUCH ABOUT THE WORLD…. And yet the day-to-day of living in a pandemic is so… mundane. I am privileged enough to have that opinion. I have stayed securely employed and it is privilege for my main reaction to something as intense as this pandemic to be boredom. But really, 2020 was a year of absences. It was a year spent largely alone, in my own company. It was a year that forced me to rest. It was a year that made me feel so terribly lonely but also forced me to get acquainted with myself and enjoy my own company in a new way. And it was a year of running. 

I would also like to thank Connor for making this post happen by reminding me to do it and not to break tradition. 

January & February 

I am combining these months because they were not altogether all that memorable. My resolutions, as I noted on Twitter on January 2, were to 1) Keep running and 2) Learn how to make fresh pasta dough. I can safely say – mission accomplished on both fronts. 

On January 14, I had the privilege of presenting a suicide intervention lecture to students at the medical school where my brother goes. By that time, I’d done a million of these presentations so nerves aren’t really a factor (imagine that! Me, no longer remotely afraid of public speaking…), but this one meant a little extra to me. My brother is so highly accomplished, and I am so proud of him, and I enjoyed having an opportunity to show him what I do and make him proud of me. I wore my favourite dress and did my hair all nice and he described it later as “exceptional.” It was a really, really good feeling. The first weekend of February, Ali and I had planned to go to Jasper. We wanted to go for a hike or two, and get super stoned and go to the planetarium. A huge blizzard hit Alberta just before we were supposed to leave, so we ended up having a staycation here in Calgary. We rented a hotel room, went swimming, drank wine, went to Japanese Village, had drinks in the lounge and then later to a punk rock band roulette night at the Palomino and finally crawled into our giant hotel bed and fell asleep to Remember the Titans… of all movies. It was the kind of night where you simultaneously feel 18 and 35 years old. 

March 

March was when the pandemic really started to become real. I don’t know exactly why, but I did not take the threat of coronavirus very seriously until the last minute. My coworkers would whisper about it in the hallways and I just rolled my eyes. But then, people started deciding they would work from home, the number of us in the office dwindled. The vibe was bad. Nobody could really focus. They held meetings at 8am and 4pm every day just for COVID-19 updates and we all waited with bated breath for them to finally tell us to go home and not come back. I really feel like I didn’t acknowledge the true implications of this virus until we got the official work from home order, and I had to tell my boss, my laptop at home is too old to run this software, I need a work tablet. My first official work from home day was March 23, 2020. I don’t remember much about that time except that the general sense of panic and anxiety made my job a lot busier, and it is hard to do a job like mine from home because it is hard to counsel or reassure clients through anxieties that are hitting you just as hard. I coped with wine, a lot of running, and listening to Ben Gibbard’s afternoon live streams where he would play acoustic versions of Death Cab songs and other covers. He played New Slang by the Shins one night and I burst into tears. I also coped with teaching myself how to make fresh pasta dough, and enjoying what was, at that point in the pandemic, the novelty and fun of Zoom. 

April 

In the absence of being able to have a party for my birthday, I decided to be obnoxious and do a “challenge” on my Instagram story. I asked my friends to record a distance run and/or walked and send it to me as a birthday present. My actual birthday ended up being a cold and windy and pretty miserable day. I ran 12km myself, came back home and watched both Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL, and then went to my parents’ to celebrate both Scott and I’s birthdays with our family. My friends dropped off presents to my door and drove past my house and honked and I felt very loved and appreciated. I drank a lot of Prosecco with my brother and we listened to Kacey Musgraves. 

It was also in April that I become “acquainted” with my neighborhood running nemesis. I put acquainted in apostrophes because I have never actually spoken to him. On one fateful run in April, I happened to catch up to him on my regular route. This was at the height of the COVID fear and so, while I would usually just pass someone on the sidewalk, I went out into the street. He saw me out of the corner of his eye and SPED UP. WHICH IS SUCH BAD RUNNER ETIQUETTE LIKE DUDE I’M IN THE ROAD LET ME PASS YOU. And then we ended up in this like, all-out 100m-finals-at-the-motherfucking-Olympics sprint challenge when all I was trying to do was go for a leisurely training run. And then I finally passed him, turned a corner and had to like collapse on to my hands and knees to catch my breath. Since then, I see this man running all the time. Sometimes while I am also running, sometimes from my car when I am driving through my neighborhood. He’s like… 16. And we are very competitive with one another. I hope to one day actually say hello to him. I both hate that guy and have to thank him for the motivation. 

I ran my first half marathon on April 13, 2020. I was very hungover because I had stayed up quite late with someone on Zoom the night before on a virtual “first date” that had gone much better than anticipated. I don’t know why but I woke up the next morning in such a good mood that I decided I would go for a long, slow run. I got to 18km and figured, what’s 3.1 more? And so, I did it. The first thing I did upon finishing was call my mom. The second thing I did was contemplate calling an Uber to drive me the 2km left to my house. The other notable thing in April is that Maddy moved back from Australia, begrudgingly and a LOT earlier than planned, because of COVID. 

May

May was kind of a blur. It was the first month of the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee, which I signed up for while coming off of the high of actually running a half marathon all by myself. The GVRAT was fucking awesome. It was created by Lazarus Lake, of Barkley Marathons fame. The ask is to run 1022.68km between May 1 and August 31, an average of about 8.3km per day. Well, you could run, walk, or hike. This is the actual distance it would take you to cover the state of Tennessee. Myself and about 20,000 other weirdos from around the world signed up for this challenge. I figured I would never get a chance to run in a Lazarus Lake race for real, and being home all the time opened up a lot more opportunity for training. It was one of the very best things I did for myself in 2020. So May involved a lot of running, because I was fresh and naïve and fully intended to be ahead of the curve. I was running about 10-12 per day, sometimes more, and not taking any rest days. 

In between these runs, I spent a lot of time going on long, ambling quarantine walks with Maddy. We would either go for a long walk or she would come over and we would get absolutely hammered in my backyard playing beer pong just to pass the time. We would send snapchats to our exes and make TikToks like 18 year olds. I know we never really said it out loud but having eachother during this time made these months bearable. We were lamenting the loss of a summer, and Maddy’s time in Australia, and all of the expectations we had for ourselves. We were watching our friends in relationships move in together or get closer due to the quarantine. We needed companionship, and stupid things to laugh about, and love, and distraction. And I can genuinely say I would not have gotten through this quarantine period if it weren’t for the nights I spent shooting Pink Whitney and dancing to Party in the USA in my living room with her. 

May 13th was my one year anniversary of working at the university. It felt good to have accomplished so many things in that time, and have moved up already in my job, and to have a full-time, permanent contract.

And May 16th was when I ran my second half-marathon as part of a virtual challenge put on by a friend of a friend. My parents came and sat in lawn chairs in the park while I did loops. They cheered me on and filled my water bottle for me when I ran out. They’re my number one supporters and I love having a family that does that kind of shit for me in the face of something arbitrary like a virtual half marathon challenge. I knocked 7 minutes (!) off my original time. Amazing what not being hungover can do for your fitness levels. 

June 

I don’t remember many important things about June, other than Maddy moving to Banff. It was depressing but I was also happy for her and happy to have an excuse to go out there and visit. I went the very first weekend after she moved. Halfway through June I seriously contemplated quitting the GVRAT. My shins were bruised, I was dreading every single run, and I could not fathom doing it for 2.5 more months. I was dragging behind in the standings and losing my motivation. 

I spent a lot of time with friends reading in parks. Sometimes, often, with wine. I met a stranger in Canmore Park and ended up kissing him. He was lovely. 

Ali and I had one really good day in June where we went to the Farmer’s Market and then came back to her place and watched Ru Paul’s drag race for like eight straight hours. It was one of those days where we hadn’t seen each other in so long and you just feel totally high off of friendship and absolutely everything is funny and you just can’t stop laughing. I vividly remember it as one of the best days of the year. 

July

Again, July kind of passed in a blur. I did a lot of hiking, and a lot of running… keeping up with the GVRAT. I hiked Picklejar Lakes, Castle Mountain, Little Beehive Lookout. 

I went to Banff for a weekend to hang out with Maddy. We had a predictably wild weekend with her roommates and friends. We had dinner at Chili’s (hell yeah) and then went to High Rollers for beers and bowling. The “thing to do” at that point for all of these Banff people was to meet at the “rec grounds” aka public firepits and drink. The police would generally leave you alone so long as you weren’t being rowdy. I sat next to an Australian named Josh at a picnic table and later took him back to my hotel room and he gave me the world’s most unbelievable obvious hickey. Maddy and I sweat out the tequila shots the next day with a long ass hike, and then had a nap before her brother came and took us climbing at the Sunshine slabs – an activity I was not very good at but I wanted to be good at. It was the kind of weekend where you feel like, okay, I definitely indulged my wild side. And you drive home just like totally exhausted but smiling. I sent Maddy’s brother a voice note on my way into town thanking him for taking us climbing and saying it was nice to see him.

August

Okay – August was actually really eventful. Like most of the year’s events happened in August, honestly. A lot of running and hiking. I did Ha Ling Peak for the first time, and we did a 30km hike to Aylmer Pass one day that was a fricken GRIND. I spent the long weekend in Saskatchewan. We went to a cidery, and I ran laps around my Dodo’s acreage, and then we got to visit Wakaw Lake and reunite with our old next-door neighbours. We took the boat out and went tubing and lit fireworks and had an amazing dinner and honestly it was like reliving my childhood in the best, best, best way. I fell asleep on the car ride home. 

I went camping with Ali in Sylvan Lake. We got ice cream and cooked fish tacos over the campfire. She told me that Cody had a date planned for the day they took possession of their house, that she wondered if he might ask her to marry him but didn’t want to get her hopes up in case it didn’t happen and ruin what otherwise was supposed to be a celebratory day. Spoiler – he did ask her to marry him  I was running when she called me. I was listening to Epsilon by Kygo, and now when I hear that song I always think of them. I stopped my watch and just openly bawled on the street out of happiness for them. 

Steven successfully defended his master’s thesis. We went camping in Waterton to celebrate with Matt, Kennedy, Regan, Scott, and Rie. They brought cake. We did a sunrise hike. I slept in the back of my Ford Escape. 

On August 27, Ollie passed away. It was both expected and unexpected. He had been having some issues with seizures. The vet didn’t think it was anything to be too concerned about, he was old and it wasn’t uncommon for them to happen. It happened suddenly. I had a terrible sleep that night, and woke up in a cold sweat somewhere between 3 and 4 am. In the morning, my mom called me and told me the news. He had a giant seizure in the night and was crying and yelping. They woke up and took him to the emergency vet, they made the executive call to put him down to prevent any further suffering. He died right around the time I woke up in the middle of the night. I like to think that was his way of saying goodbye, maybe. I cried all day. Well, let’s be honest, I cried all week. I burst into tears at the mere thought of him. He was such a good and lovely dog. He was so loved by us. He had a good life. It is always sad when we lose pets so early. They bring so much joy to our lives, and still when I go to my parents’ place the first thing I want to do is call for him or pet him. I hope he is running around in whatever the pet afterlife is. I miss him. 

And on August 31, I ran my last kilometre of the GVRAT. I finished with 733.78 run, 83.18 hiked, and 205.09 walked. 

September

September was a nice break from running. I got to start coming to campus one day a week, on Thursdays, which was good for my mental health and work productivity. I got to spend September long in Vernon with Maeghan and Madison at Michael’s family’s cabin. They took us boating and made us meals and didn’t judge us for drinking margaritas with Michael’s sister literally all day. It was the best. It was the epitome of every summer weekend you dream about. I was so happy I got to go. 

I met a boy in September. It’s always September, isn’t it? It feels weird to write about him. Like, that makes him significant. But. He is significant. And I met him in September. And it was unexpected. Last minute. And essentially not a day has gone by since that day in September that I have not thought about him.

I also joined a Calgary Sport and Social Club team with my friends for softball and it started in September. We played two games and then I tore my hamstring running from second to third base. I tore… my hamstring…. Running like 30 metres…. After a summer of literally running 10+ km every day. I… it was the worst day ever. Softball itself was amazing and so fun even though I really do suck at the sport but highly recommend Rec League C-level beer league softball with all of your best friends. There’s just no way that isn’t fun. 

October 

A lot of pouting about my hamstring, I went to two physio sessions and then decided to just start running again. I’m bad. I’m a bad example. Don’t do what I do… but also…. It worked. 

I went to Victoria to visit Sydney over the Thanksgiving weekend. We went to a Thanskgiving potluck party at my old coworker’s place. It was a nice experience to be the new people at a party, to have a room full of new people to meet and who ask you questions about your life. We got really drunk and they tried setting Sydney up with one of their roommate’s brothers, and gave us lipstick to try, and poured us tequila shots. We had such an amazing meal. It was honestly so fun. We laughed in the cab the whole way back about how we were going to need to debrief that evening HARD the next morning. We watched a lot of All Gas No Brakes, and went for dinner and brunch and I limped up Mount Doug with my hamstring. It was a very very chill weekend, like we spent a lot of time just lounging at Sydney’s apartment and doing nothing. Because that is the kind of friends we are. It was so relaxing and lovely. I was sad to leave. 

Karla, my roommate, left for New York at the end of October. Her aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and she and her mom made the executive move to go there to basically be with her for the end of her life. She wasn’t going to be back until December. I was happy, because it’s nice to have a place to myself, but also sad because Karla is lovely and I knew it was going to be a stressful situation for her. 

November / December

I am combining these two months because they have also been largely uneventful. In fact… I don’t know if I could really tell you anything significant that happened. We’ve been in a lockdown. I’ve spent my time playing piano, watching Netflix, listening to podcasts, basically doing all of the things I usually do when I’m bored. Lots of Among Us. Lots of outdoor things… skating… more running. We’ve been in a lockdown since early December. Time has dragged on since then. I spent Christmas with my parents. Scott and Rie stayed isolated, because Scott is in and out of the hospital for school. My mom and I watched shitty Christmas Hallmark movies and made fun of the guys who star in them. We drank a LOT on Christmas Eve and both spent Christmas with a wicked hangover. My dad and I ate edibles and I was launched into the stratosphere. I spent New Year’s Eve with Boy from September. We played beer pong, and card games, and he tried to use a coat hangover to pick the lock on the mysterious room that my landlord keeps locked. We spent most of the night kissing, honestly. I was happy to spend the last moments of the year with him.

2021: 

Honestly... at this point... who really knows? 

[theritualofourexistence]

Odes to Old Gods

I started this year intending to journal about things I survive. Then at the end of the year, I could look back on my challenges and think about them in a more positive way--wow, look at what I overcame! The plan was to document everything, both good and bad, so that I could think about them more as experiences and lessons learned than as... good and bad. 

Needless to say, I stopped keeping track of those things in April. 

Earlier this month, I pulled out the journal again to update the list. I ended up quitting on that too. 

I do think, though, that in a less chaotic year, thinking about my life this way would be good practice. So, here I am, sharing my list with you in the form of an end-of-year, wrap-up blog post. 

A few quick caveats: 

This year was hard for literally everyone except maybe Jeff Bezos. 

It is not healthy to compare challenges or struggles or suffering.

I am not sharing this because I am looking for sympathy... I believe that being vulnerable is a very important part of the human experience but we can all also use a reminder that we never really know all of what anyone is experiencing. We shouldn’t need that reminder to treat others with love... but the older I get, the more I think those reminders might be necessary.

Things I have survived in 2020:

- A bit of a stalking experience in January which has since been resolved.

- Losing my job, hunting for a new job, securing a new job, training for the new job.

- My first Harry Potter tattoo for my ten-year tattooiversary.

- The fires in Australia.

- An absolutely wonderful trip to NYC with my dad when I got to see both Beetlejuice and Hadestown and have an enormous strawberry cheesecake milkshake from Junior’s. 

- Losing Kobe Bryant.

- Parasite absolutely CRUSHING the Oscars.

- Having a really, really good visit with my grandparents in March before all hell broke loose. 

- Weinstein being convicted and sentenced.

[Everything after this point happened during a global pandemic.]

- Losing Grandmom. I was unable to attend her funeral and still have not had the chance to grieve this loss with my extended family. 

- Losing my health insurance.

- A Zoom party for my Grammy’s 80th birthday.

- Losing Breonna Taylor. And George Floyd. And so, so many others. This is the first year I have really committed to understanding the current race-related issues this country faces and BOY, do we have work to do.

- The stress but success of orchestrating a safe family trip so that I didn’t have to go an entire year without seeing my brother.

- Losing my shifts at my primary job due to virus-related concerns.

- Countless other family happy birthdays over Zoom.

- My 60-year-old mother returning to work face-to-face with a student population that largely ignores all virus-related guidelines despite her working tirelessly for months this spring to offer UHS providers an adequate work-from-home option. 

- Being diagnosed with hypertension.

- A nightmarish friend trip. Despite our best laid plans for a safe and healthy visit, Mother Earth decided to trap me 90 miles north of my best friends for 4 days. I eventually got to see them for about 12 hours and honestly, it was worth it. That is the only time I’ve gotten with them all year.

- Losing Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

- The selection of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court.

- Our sweet girl Clio being diagnosed with a seizure disorder and then coming down with a life-threatening upper respiratory infection. 

- Learning that my grandmother would be voting for Trump in the 2020 election.

- The actual election.

- Losing Rooster, my sweet, sweet boy.

- Learning that my uncle has been diagnosed with esophageal cancer.

- Missing Thanksgiving with my extended family.

- Getting really excellent holiday gifts for my favorite people.

- Missing Christmas with my extended family.

- Safely spending some holiday time with my immediate family.

That is FAR from everything. But I don’t have the energy? Capacity? Time? to sort through everything.

Here are the things from this year that I am still currently surviving:

- A global pandemic! And all the associated chaos. With my asthma and high blood pressure and obesity, I am considered high risk and am still not able to safely return to my primary job. 

- Hypertension! More on this later.

- Grieving Rooster. In the days after we said goodbye, I wrote a memorial that I will eventually share here. Psychology has recently analyzed data suggesting that losing a pet can be equivalent to losing a relative... I have never felt grief like this. It’s been over a month. I cry every night. 

- Managing Clio’s health. She is still adjusting to her seizure medication, which she gets twice a day, and is still on medication to help with lasting symptoms of the respiratory infection. She is fussy about food and her weight fluctuates a lot week to week. She is also a feral rescue who has only ever been handled by me, my mom, and our vet. If mom and I are ever going to vacation together again, we will need to find someone who can manage catching and pilling her twice a day... no easy feat. Fortunately, at the moment, vacations aren’t really a thing for either my mom or I and I am working hard to approach these concerns in a cross-that-bridge-when-we-come-to-it way.

----

This year has been overwhelming. The last two months alone have been overwhelming. And they would’ve been overwhelming without the added spice of a global pandemic. The number of Americans we have lost to this virus has doubled since I last posted here in mid-August. Some time this week we are likely to reach a point where we’re losing 4,000 Americans per day. PER. DAY. This year has been overwhelming.

----

There were some good things this year, of course. I am so, so thankful for all the time I got with my immediate family and the very brief but vital time I got with my friends. Fortunately I am only ever a text away from my closest friends and we are able to message pretty much every day. I am also extremely glad to have found a place in the fantasy enamel pin community. The family I’ve found in pin-land has carried me through some of my lowest points this year. I spent more time in view of the ocean than I typically do in a given year... even though much of that time was still riddled with anxiety. I did art this year. I read books this year. Some really important ones, in fact. If you read nothing else in 2021, read The New Jim Crow. I also got tattooed! I’m going to include those here because I think the significance of each reflects something interesting and important about all I have survived and am surviving this year.

----

In January, I got my first Harry Potter tattoo! My favorite quote from the entire series is delivered by Hagrid during the Triwizard tournament:

”What’s comin’ will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.” 

I got that incorporated into a tattoo. In January. 

Also in January I got a “Prisoner of Donuts” tattoo... because life just wouldn’t be manageable at all without donuts.

In March, I got a bird of prey carrying a book to represent one of my all time favorite poems, “On Thought in Harness” by Edna St. Vincent Millay. The final lines of that poem:

“Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen. Depart, be lost, but climb.” 

In July, I was able to safely navigate getting a tattoo that symbolizes the saga told in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. LOTR is my first and oldest fandom and the story is still so, so important to me today. The lessons I learned from Tolkien when I was a kid also carried me through some of my hardest moments this year.

Also in July I got a Plumpy tattoo. That’s right. Plumpy. From Candyland. If you haven’t played the game in a while, you may not remember Plumpy. He’s one of the first characters you meet on the game board... and one of the worst cards to see when you’re close to winning the game. You could be three damn squares from the finish line and pull the Plumpy card and back to the beginning of the board you go. Plumpy is a really great reminder that even when we have no choice but to lose ground, we can gain that ground back again. And hey, once you pull the Plumpy card from the deck, you likely won’t see him again for a good long while. 

In October, I was able to safely navigate getting my second Harry Potter tattoo. Neville has always been one of my favorite fantasy characters and I chose to carry him with me permanently. His courage, despite so, so much bullshit, inspires me every day. I also got a nautical tattoo for my mom’s ancestors who came to this country and fought in the Revolutionary War. Just as my family has a long and proud history of fighting for what matters, I too will carry that banner, even if it looks very, very different in the modern age. My third tattoo of the appointment is a cuckoo holding playing cards, a nod to one of most important stories I’ve read: Ken Kesey’s “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” This book has informed not just my personal journey with mental illness but my passion to work in the field as well. My final tattoo of my October appointment, less than a week before the 2020 election, is a weeping Lady Justice. 

----

This year has made me look critically at things I very comfortably ignored for a long time. I would hope that it has done the same for most of you. Very little if any of this year was easy for me... but the most important lessons are never easy to learn. I’ve spent this year more worried and more angry than I’ve ever been before... and all I hope to do moving forward is use that fear and that anger to make this country, this world, a better place. Miss me with your resolutions this year. Every single day we should prioritize surviving and treating others with understanding and active love. I worked hard to do that this year and I will continue to work hard to do that every day. I’m proud of the work I’ve done. And in case it wasn’t clear, I’ll be dragging as many of you as I can on this journey with me. If you really feel the need to make a resolution this year, resolve to learn. Resolve to understand. Resolve to read The New Jim Crow and then TAKE ACTION. Take action with your votes and your voices and your money. Resolve to act.

----

This year wouldn’t let me escape it without being put on blood pressure medication, despite my best efforts to lower my blood pressure without it. Although I had gotten back down into a healthy range for a few weeks, RBG’s death and the landslide of utter shit that followed that completely wrecked all the progress I had made. I’m not happy about adding a new medicine to my regimen. I’m not happy about adding a new chronic diagnosis to my already lengthy laundry list. I did not expect 30 to look like allergy pills and three daily moisturizers and foot stretches and Metamucil and acid reducers and migraine medication and iron supplements and six prunes a day and chronic pain and blood pressure medication... but here we are. I’m exhausted from working so hard to be healthy just to have all that work not be enough. I feel very much like my body is giving up on me... and that is a feeling I am struggling with a lot right now. My soul is a vibrant but powerless passenger in a car speeding towards the edge of a cliff.

I’ll keep trying though. I start my new medication tonight. Hopefully it helps. Hopefully the side effects are manageable. I don’t really feel like I can handle much more... but I guess we keep going until we can’t.   

----

I have no expectations for 2021 to be better. I don’t have much hope for it to be better either. This vaccine will saves lives and that’s really good news. But a lot of other things will be difficult, will stay difficult, will become difficult. I’m going to try to keep fighting, and I hope you do too. 

“What’s comin’ will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.” 

[hydrus]

Version 377

windows

zip

exe

macOS

app

linux

tar.gz

source

tar.gz

I had a good week. I mostly caught up with my smaller jobs queue, just pushing on work that had piled up.

Qt

Thank you for the continuing Qt bug reports. I fixed a variety of typo-broken buttons this week, mostly buried in less-used UI, and if you have set a browser launch path override in the options, hyperlinks across the program should obey that again. I also believe I fixed the annoying issue where media viewer hover windows that needed to shrink (because of switching to a new media that had fewer info lines or known urls) would linger too tall for one frame. EDIT: I'm still having slight hover window resize flicker in my IRL client when I keep my mouse over the top-right hover, I'll give it another go next week.

Furthermore, all non-menubar menus across the program now open on right-click release instead of press. This sounds trivial, but there was a mix of down/up click handling here, now unified, and some things like thumbnail and tag selection are handled more naturally in the initial click down. This also fixes an issue where users who had menu styles with no significant border were sometimes accidentally activating the first menu item on a slow click (the click down would show the menu, the click up would activate it).

Last week's support for styles and stylesheets for Qt seems to have gone well. There is more to do here, but this week brings better error handling for unusual situations, better 'we already have this set, no need to waste CPU re-applying it' detection, and fewer hacky colour overrides, so custom stylesheets should be able to colour regular panels without lots of unintended grey or white boxes.

the rest

The shortcut system should now be able to support any text key. This includes extended characters like ø or æ. If you need to apply a modifier to get these keys (e.g. ctrl+alt+e), these modifiers are likely to show up spuriously in the shortcut's label (e.g. ctrl+alt+æ), but everything should nonetheless line up in the program correctly. Let me know if you discover any new bugs here!

There are also some new shortcut commands this week, for the 'media viewer' set. They are 'pan_top/bottom/left/right_edge' and 'pan_horizonal/vertical_center'. They move the whole image around to edges, or center it again, and should be helpful if you often look at tall or wide comics at 100% zoom. There will be more to come here in coming weeks.

The work on making the UI smoother is also continuing. Session saving and a variety of 'media refresh' events that occur on file import or maintenance are now significantly faster and do the bulk of that work in the background. Users with very large sessions should experience less juddery behaviour during both idle and heavy work periods.

full list

qt:

all non-menubar menus across the program now launch on click release. some previously launched on click press. a variety of related click event behaviour is cleaned up, particularly with thumbnail/tag selection on the click down. this also fixes some users' menus immediately activating the first entry on slow clicks in some ui styles

I think I fixed the annoying single-frame delayed size-down resize on media viewer hover frames when changing media!

the vast majority of old wx panel background colour hacks are removed, so custom stylesheets should now cover much more of the UI

improved the new custom style and stylesheet setting, resetting, and error handling code, particularly for not re-applying the same style or stylesheet twice, and for handling un-re-settable styles (seems to be defaults initialised by third-party OS-wide Qt style) gracefully

fixed hyperlinks not using the custom web browser launch path as set in the options

fixed the 'migrate entire db' and 'set thumb location' buttons in the migrate database dialog

fixed a typo bug when launching the url selection tree after adding an ipfs directory to download

fixed two typo bugs when editing regex favourites and simple downloader formulae

fixed an issue where custom shortcut sets could not be deleted

fixed a typo in the edit account type panel

fixed sorting the login listctrl when there are session logins mixed with non-session logins

removed some old media viewer hover window display/raise hacks

retired the 'always show hover windows' debug mode

the media viewer will no longer perform any drag calculations on anything but left-click drag

misc Qt code refactoring/cleanup

.

url searching:

the database now stores 'known url' domain information more efficiently. it will take a few moments/minutes to reshape the db when updating

system:known url's exact url search now runs extremely fast. this will only affect new predicates of this type, not those in existing sessions

system:known url's domain search now runs much faster and matches subdomains of the given domain. this will only affect new predicates of this type, not those in existing sessions

system:known url's url class search now runs much faster. this will only affect new predicates of this type, not those in existing sessions

when entering a regex system:known url predicate, the dialog will now not OK (throwing up an error dialog) if the regex is invalid

.

the rest:

the shortcut system now allows all text characters. if it has text, it should work, but it is the wild west in terms of modifier labelling. anything unusual on your keyboard like ctrl+alt+e to make æ will _display_ as ctrl+alt+æ, but the same key combination will match up in the program all correct

added shortcut actions 'pan_top_edge', 'pan_bottom_edge', 'pan_left_edge', 'pan_right_edge' to the media viewer shortcut set that will move the current image so the respective edge is aligned with the larger canvas's

added shortcut actions 'pan_horizontal_center' and 'pan_vertical_center' to do as above but center on that axis

session save now hangs the UI significantly less, whether triggered by user command or auto-saving 'last session'

saving of last/exit sessions on client close is a little faster

the call to refresh thumbnail file info (and redraw if needed) when a file is imported or has metadata-regenererating file maintenance done will now only call for files that are actually loaded, run faster per file, run faster when the client has large collections in its session, and not hang the ui thread when waiting for the new media info to arrive

like regular popups, modal popups (like those created when big vacuum/analyze jobs jump in) will now only appear if the main gui or an on-parent child has OS focus

the main gui/on-parent child OS focus test now includes misc child windows like the autocomplete results hover window

network jobs that fail for one reason or another will now be more reliably cleaned up, and their connections returned to the connection pool. this may fix the 'too many open file handles' errors some users were seeing after long term unreliable network traffic

fixed an issue where some thumbnails that were trashed or physically deleted were being removed from 'all known files' and file repository views when it was not appropriate

connection and downloader retry time options now have a wider min/max range when in advanced mode, with an accompanying warning label for the connection panel

checker options times now have a wider min/max range when in advanced mode, with an accompanying warning label

cleaned up some shutdown reporting text

misc debug improvements

next week

The holidays are coming up. As 379 would normally be due on Christmas Day, I will postpone that to New Year, which means next week's 378, on the 18th, will be the last release of the year. I am due for a 'cleanup' week, which will also make for a nice 'safe' release before the break. So I will clean up code, do some more Qt neatening, and otherwise catch up on smaller jobs like I did this week.

I never strictly marked down the day when I started working on hydrus, but December 14th, 2011, the date of the first non-experimental beta, has emerged as a decent birthday. This week marks eight years. It has been a lot of work and a lot of fun. There are a couple thousand things I would still like to do, so if I can, I would like to keep going as I have into the 2020s. I deeply appreciate all the feedback, help, and support over the years. Thank you!

If you would like to further support my work and are in a position to do so, my simple no-reward Patreon is here: https://www.patreon.com/hydrus_dev

[morego]

2020 - The year the world turned upside down

There’s not a lot I can say about 2020 that hasn’t been said yet. It’s the year we never saw coming, the year that disrupted indiscriminately, the year nobody wanted. But also it was a year that refocused many of us, gave us a chance to slow down and introspect. Let’s get into how I faired.

Goals Living on hope I say living on hope because I didn’t take any solid plans or goals coming into the year. In fact these two are the only real goals I remember I had real intentions to go for 2020: A comfortable Comrades: This was an easy goal to run with (excuse the pun) and I could never forget it. I was intent on running a race (any race) without any uncertainty or unease - I wanted no ‘Bafana Bafana playing in cup competition calculation’. Ironically my Comrades qualifier was uncertain to the point of receiving the race results. But I quickly got focused and became the fittest I have ever been in my lifetime by end of March, just before the lockdown. Needless to say it’s been a struggle to get back to that point since we were allowed to run freely again. I comfort myself by reciting the script ‘The latter glory of this house will be greater than the former glory’. It’s getting there. Flow: For the first time I prayed for vision for my family and not just for myself to carry into the year. This year we focused on FLOW. We were to consider and acknowledge our blessing, but unlike the dead sea, we would be the vessel that allows blessing to flow through us. It was to be a year of generosity and kindness. I haven’t been kind to myself and expected that we could have done better, but objectively, we did pretty well. I’ve seen even The Boy intentionally exercise flow. With some of the idle cash from services being cancelled due to Covid, we were able to make charitable donations. However the most meaningful for me was being able to help and support family members. For the first time the phrase ‘charity begins at home’ made sense to me. Spiritually healthy: This was more of an implicit goal than anything, and I’m glad the family managed to stay plugged in to church week in week out. It would have been so easy to fall off this year (and perfectly reasonable), but we’re still as committed. We pray, we engage and still 100% team Jesus.

Under lockdown Theoretically, I’m team 5am, team crush the day, team goaldiggers. So it goes without saying that the moment we got ‘down time’ in the form of a lockdown, instead of taking care of my mental health I became obsessed with taking advantage of the extra time and doing EVERYTHING I previously thought I couldn’t because time. But that’s all in theory. In reality I failed almost across the board - but I now know it is as I said above: no solid plans or goals, nothing written down, nothing committed to. But at least: New garden: Ever since living on my property, we’ve had a constant struggle with the grass patch in our front yard. It wouldn’t grow evenly across the front yard. I resolved to fix it once and for all so that my children can play comfortable on the grass at the end of the year. Mission accomplished. On Christmas day we had the kids playing on the grass with a portable pool. Fantastic. Fit and healthy: I also resolved to keep my family fit, healthy and Covid free. I also hoped to get a six pack (or at least a flat tummy) but that didn’t happen. All in all everybody is now settled into a fitness regime, we take vitamins and get some sun time regularly and know how to keep healthy. But also part of health was the mental aspect. I think we’ve done well in that respect, everybody is still alive and we’re still a loving family.

After lockdown So I never went back to the office since the first lockdown and have been working from home ever since. This does create a little extra time for me and so I’ve been able to try get my running back on track and start swimming. Sub-25: In September I started a running programme to try run a sub-25 minute 5k. I really think I was progressing well, at least until a heart matter brought everything to a grinding halt (see below). But yeah, I consider this an achievement. Swimming: I now also go for swim lessons during lunch. This is something that’s been outstanding all my life and just starting is that big of a deal. But also unfortunately it was also disrupted at some point by an ear issue (see below, hahaha). I’m back at it though and progressing really well. I now just need a bike and we’re on our way to Iron Man.

Another day at the hospital Following from my first one last year, I really hope this doesn’t become a pattern. A heart matter: Anyway, this was a crazy story. My insurance asked for new medicals (routine), but the checkup picked up my heart was irregular again. This finding would trigger an absurd chain of events that landed me in a hospital bed for an Angiogram operation. And after all of that they found... wait for it... nothing. So I’ve been diagnosed with what they call ‘athletes heart’. I’ve spoken about this heart issue a few times here so, I hope never to speak about it again. (This is the matter that stopped my speed running ambitions). Specialists even: Though this was not an admission, I also ended up in the rooms of a specialist because of an ear infection. Yey, this one was painful and even more so when the specialist recommended a theatre procedure. Fortunately the meds cleared my ear. LOL. (This is the issue that disrupted my swimming).

Social adventures Because of the strict regulations, we were required to be socially distant this year. I want to say this suited me just fine but it’s something I’ve been trying to break out of for years, so much so that I’ve listed my social exploits as achievements on this platform. Throughout the year we’ve done the best we can to keep the WhatsApp, Zoom and Houseparty meetups going. But the moment we got the chance to socialise in person, we actually socialised, so much so I consider these outings ‘adventures’. Kuruman: By far the best thing I have done in a few years. Wife and I were on our way on a Friday night to a Sunday funeral in Bloemfontein, but at an uncharacteristically last minute we changed direction to go see my little brother in Kuruman who was having a birthday weekend bash. Man Kurara was lit and it was so great to spend time with family who came out to support him. We eventually went back to Bloem on Sunday morning and all was fine. Even after the funeral we klapped some drinks with the husbands of the Wife’s friends, was a cool hang out, at the funeral. Pati’s grad: In the spirit of intentionally badly calculated decisions, we went to Pati’s house for her graduation party and ended up staying overnight having the time of our lives. Yay! Wolfpack annual getaway: Once again this seemed like it would never happen, but fortunately me and the Wolfies managed to get out town (albeit to Haarties) for a weekend to go drink and once again attempt to play poker. I can’t say it was the best one yet, but it’s up there.

Work I really thought I was having a brilliant year at work. I really did. I put in the hours, I put in the sacrifices and gave everything I had towards it. But it was not to be seen. To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement. But because this has been the year of introspection, I see that much of the effort given was misdirected. But over and above that I think it has opened my eyes to what is important, and work is not important. My family is important. My spiritual, mental and physical health are important. Work is important, but not more than these.

The rest It’s really hard to account for this year, especially between April and September as that time, although felt like the longest time in the history of time, went by quickly in retrospect. I’m left here left with shoulda coulda woulda’s. But: Wife’s birthday: was awesome as we went bungee jumping in Soweto and for massages at some exclusive rich people boutique.  I grew a beard: As in I had a beard the whole year. Festive was great: with all my kids. I made every effort to make sure everybody feels included, loved and appreciated. Depression: is becoming a thing with me and my seasons are becoming longer and more frequent. Sure depression was inevitably a 2020 thing, I had hoped not to have it so hard. The issues in the Wolfpack are making things difficult to help figure and address issues. I suppose I need a new group of people to walk me through this.

Ok. So first of all I’m writing this on the 14th of January 2021 instead of the usual 31st of December. I’ve been struggling to commit to sit down and write my thoughts, goals and plans and because of that I’m totally convinced this is part of the reason why things didn’t go really well for me in 2020. If one thing I do in 2021, is get back to the habit of taking time to write, express, review and expect - the rest will follow.

[dippedanddripped]

Charli D’Amelio, the 16-year-old dancing queen of TikTok, is deep in thought. From the scrunched-up look on her face, an endearing expression familiar to her 70 million followers on the video-sharing app, a casual observer might be forgiven for thinking that she is flummoxed by one of life’s imponderables, and not which of her parents is the better dancer.

“That’s a really hard question,” she replies, after some deliberation. “My mom grew up a competition dancer and sometimes does TikTok dances with me, but my dad did breakdancing, and that’s raw, so if I had to ask someone to break it down in the middle of a party, I would have to say my dad.”

“They’re both really good dancers,” Dixie, Charli’s 18-year-old sister and fellow TikTok sensation, offers diplomatically, adding: “There’s a lot of pressure at family reunions, weddings, and birthday parties.”

And then some. As their not inconsiderable number of fans suggests (Dixie is no slouch in the followers department, with her account garnering over 29 million to date), the D’Amelio sisters are as adept as their parents when it comes to cutting a rug — particularly Charli, who has been studying dance since she was just three years old. Dixie, the more outgoing of the two, is better known for talky videos in which she puts her comedic chops to use.

They are also good sports. Despite their age and burgeoning popularity, they are self-effacing, forthcoming, and generous with their answers, which they deliver without bratty or calculated affect. Asked, for example, if she and Dixie are given to spats worthy of Kim and Kourtney Kardashian, Charli doesn’t skip a beat.

“I mean, we’re teenage sisters,” she says matter-of-factly, when we speak over Zoom in June. “So, obviously, we get into disagreements. It’s usually about clothes. We’re the same size, so I tend to wear a lot of her clothes. But Dixie is my number one go-to person — we’re just so close, and our fights usually last two seconds and then we’re over it and, like, ‘Hey, wanna go for a car ride?’”

The sisters are not always easy to tell apart — “We couldn’t be more different,” says Charli, “but we’re used to getting, ‘Oh my God, you guys look like twins!’”— especially on this day, on which they are both wearing high-waisted faded jeans and primrose-colored sweatshirts, their hair pulled back in a similar fashion. “That’s so funny,” says Dixie of their matchy-matchy outfits, “I swear, we haven’t even seen each other this morning.”

It’s a genuineness that goes a long way to explaining their regard on a platform that — despite its early rap for being inauthentic, a venue for creativity cribbed from elsewhere — places a premium on authenticity.

“Charli is accessible in a way I don’t think many other creators are,” says Taylor Lorenz, a technology reporter covering Internet culture for The New York Times. “She’s incredibly humble, and polite, and unproblematic, which is rare in the influencer space. I think Dixie offers a similar appeal. Both of them feel very down home and accessible.”

Stephanie Hind, Head of Talent Management and Operations at TikTok, agrees. “On TikTok, no matter what type of creator you are — an athlete, a designer, an entrepreneur, an artist, or anything in between,” she maintains, “you’re celebrated for being your authentic self. It’s been wonderful to see Charli and Dixie find success by staying true to their passions, putting in hard work and determination into their content, and showcasing joy, creativity, talent, and humor in such an authentic way.”

Adds the girls’ father, Marc: “As parents, in the beginning we were sometimes, ‘Why are you doing videos in your room with your bed unmade and clothes on the floor?’ But Charli understood instinctively that not only did she want to portray her true self but that the people consuming her content wanted to see that from her.”

Theirs is an authenticity that extends to their boundless positivity and the causes (climate change, Black Lives Matter, anti-bullying) that they promote on their accounts, without coming across as cloyingly earnest.

“I’ve been saying these things my whole life,” says Charli, who was tapped in March by Procter & Gamble to create #DistanceDance, a campaign to encourage people to stay-at-home during the pandemic that generated more than 8 billion views and 1.7 million imitation dances from celebrities, influencers, children, families, and others. “The fact that I now get to share that positivity is so important to me. It’s truly what I believe, and now people actually listen.”

“She is the number one person on the app, and has a lot of very young eyes on her,” says Dixie, fidgeting with a piece of toy slime. “I think she’s so happy to have the platform to talk about things that mean a lot to her. That’s important for me, too, but I don’t have the pressure that she has.”

Clearly it’s a genuineness that is resonating beyond the digital landscape. Charli is not only the most followed person on TikTok, but has also parlayed her popularity into collaborations with celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez and Bebe Rexha, as well as brands like Hollister and Sabra hummus, for which she appeared in a 2020 Super Bowl commercial (becoming the first TikTok creator to be featured in an ad during the coveted tentpole sports event). She has taken tentative steps into Hollywood, having provided the voice for Tinker in the upcoming animated film StarDog and TurboCat, and has appeared on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.

She even sat front row at Prada’s Fall/Winter 2020 show in February, a gauge of pop-culture currency if ever there was one. “Going to the Prada show was definitely something, like, I never thought I would ever be…,” Charli recalls, uncharacteristically reaching for her words. “It was my first fashion show ever, and it was like a dream.” The content partnership she did with the Italian fashion brand during the show led to Charli’s social and press mentions growing by more than 160 percent in the days following the event.

Not to be outdone, Dixie, who studied drama from an early age, made her professional acting debut this year as Georgia in the Brat TV series Attaway General, and has collaborated on shoots and videos with brands such as Polo Ralph Lauren and Dermalogica. In early July, she released her first single, “Be Happy,” which debuted at 41 on the Emerging Artists list on the Billboard Charts and has generated more than 40 million views on YouTube. There is also talk of the D’Amelio clan appearing in their own reality TV show, the family having reportedly signed a deal with American Idol production company Industrial Media.

But for all their undeniable talent, personality, and relatable style (fans study the sisters’ choice of clothing, hairstyles, and nails with the rigor of biblical exegesis), their popularity is also the result of a perfect storm of circumstances. For one, they have an undeniably strong support system. Parents Marc and Heidi seem determined to ensure their daughters are happy and safe doing what they love most, while trusting them to make the right decisions and create content that they can be proud of.

“Unless it’s something that requires us to play the parent card,” says Marc, “we let them make a lot of the decisions about the opportunities that are presented to them. The girls are great. If there is something questionable, like foul language or whatever, they will ask, ‘Hey, what do you think about this?’”

Outside the family there is also a solid team in place. The sisters are both managed by Barbara Jones of OutShine Talent and Billy Mann of The Well, and represented by the Hollywood powerhouse United Talent Agency (UTA) — a division of labor which can be confounding to outsiders.

“If you watch the show Entourage,” explains Greg Goodfried, the Co-Head of Digital Talent at UTA, “the managers are Eric, who help Vinny Chase with every aspect of his life, and we [he and his colleague Ali Berman] are Ari. We’re the ones who source and negotiate the deal, and then hand it off to the managers and the client to execute.”

Charli’s rapid ascent — she only started posting last May — is inescapably tied to the rise of TikTok itself, which has gone from a popular global app with negligible traction in the United States to a social-media behemoth, with over 2 billion downloads that has shaken up the entertainment industrial complex and global Internet order. As Goodfried affirms: “It was the right time and the right place for the right person to just emerge on a platform and become a superstar.”

TikTok was an idea whose time had come, and it didn’t hurt that the Chinese conglomerate that owns it poured over a billion dollars into marketing in the first year alone. But there are other important factors at play, including the superior video editing tools the app offers by default.

According to Lorenz, its success lies in no small part to being the anti-Instagram. “It broke the follow graph,” she explains, “and makes all American social networks, where users have to seek out and curate their own feed of content by ‘following’ people, seem archaic. Follower numbers on TikTok are much more of a vanity metric. The ‘For You’ page allows each piece of individual content to live on its own and find its own audience. This is a much better and more engaging way to deliver content than by following an ever expanding group of people/accounts.”

It’s also an easier point of entry for video than Instagram and YouTube, on which aesthetics and production values are key. “With TikTok, it’s literally just your phone,” explains Ali Berman. “Combine that with the emergence of a generation of parents who are more open minded to [social media], and for the first time, people were like, ‘Oh, this is something I can do.’”

“Talking to a lot of my friends,” says Charli, “TikTok is bringing them and their parents a lot closer together, which is really cool. I see a lot of parents and the kids doing dances together. I think it’s awesome that it’s so inclusive of people of all ages.”

Little wonder that brands, with varying degrees of success, are lining up like superfans at a K-pop VIP High-Touch concert. “We’re seeing a ton of enthusiasm from brands,” says Berman, “especially around working with native TikTok creators. They’re really excited, because from a content perspective, it’s a whole new muscle for them to flex.” While opportunities for paid media exist, savvy companies — like Parisian fashion label Jacquemus — are artfully bringing the personalities of their brand to life through the creative usage of in-app effects and filters, and, in the case of Givenchy, which partnered with Young Emperors as a part of its #GivenchyActingChallenge, original sound to encourage user creations.

However, what TikTok delivered to creators, brands, and families at warp speed, the global coronavirus pandemic took away. Just as Charli and Dixie were poised to take advantage of the many opportunities that have promptly come their way, like much of the world, the family retreated indoors to quarantine — hunkering down in a rental property in California.

“I used to want a break from it all for a couple of weeks or so,” says Dixie, who has been accepted to the University of Alabama where she plans to do a business degree. “But after this quarantine period, I never want another break again. I was having the time of my life and I want to get back to work and travel and meet people immediately.”

Though the break temporarily put paid to a slew of meet-and-greet appearances with fans, and led to the rescheduling of several projects – including the Hollister campaign that involved print and videos (not to mention the cancellation of Dixie’s prom) — it has also led to them accruing more followers than ever, with their individual accounts and the combined family one surging over the last few months. They might have been cooped up inside, but so was everyone else — an eager, captive audience for entertaining video content.

It’s also afforded the family a moment to hit the pause button and assess matters. “It brought us a lot closer,” says Marc, “and we were able to have a lot of conversations to prepare for what’s next. Hindsight being 20/20, these are conversations we probably should have had earlier, but everything happened so quickly.”

“When I stop to think about it, I’m like, ‘Whoa, this is so crazy,’” says Charli. “I don’t even know how this happened. But if there’s one thing that I really don’t do, [it’s] overthink things.” Which is just as well, as in the weeks since we spoke, the news broke that TikTok may be banned in the United States due to national security concerns, and Charli and her ex, fellow TikToker Chase Hudson (better known as Lil Huddy) were involved in a messy war of words as part of the TikTok influencer debacle known as the “TikTokalypse.”

Not that anyone should worry too much about the D’Amelio girls. In addition to digital content opportunities, live touring, podcasts, books, TV, licensing deals, and endorsements are all on the table. They’re not going away anytime soon. And on the advice of their family friend, wine critic turned author and marketing guru Gary Vaynerchuk, Marc and Heidi have taught the girls not to “take the positives or the negatives to heart.”

Or, as Charli puts it: “My parents have always been, ‘We don’t care how many followers you have. You still have to do the dishes and take out the garbage. They don’t put me on a pedestal. And I’ve always been big on making sure that what I put out on the Internet about myself is stuff I would want everyone to see. I’m a teenager and [am] obviously not going to make the right choices 100 percent of the time, but I do my best to be the best person I can be, on and off screen.” Spoken like an authentic voice of a generation.

[whence-the-woody]

2020 

I used to do big, reflective summaries of my year and even tho I am feeling reflective today, I wasn’t able to do that last year and I actually really like the format I went with last year of just listing memz so I’m going wih that. Intention review etc will be in another post. So, my 2020 memories:

Jan

Gearing up to leave a job I hated, packing up my life to move away properly for the first time. Going flat hunting with my mum and my brother and having a literal choice of one

I did Home which I dont really remember so it was probably fine

This was the month the Gallavich wedding aired and gaslit me into believing there was still anything positive about that show/ship. Tbf at the time I was LIVING for it

Cinema kick with Mum including CATS. What a moment. 

Feb

Last day at said crappy job (just weird and awks. I didnt really know how to feel) and starting a new one - everyone was so lovely from the off and even tho I was bored at times I was optimistic

Staying with my brother for a few days, him helping me move in which was all very nice. 

My flat having no hot water for the first week - I only cried about it once. And me having nothing but an air bed for 3 weeks. Not ideal but grateful to have amenities and furniture by the end of the month

I think this was both kareoke night for one persons birthday and a 90s party for another - both excellent nights

People were talking about COVID by the end of the month but I was like pfft we’ve been here before with swine and bird flu, it’ll be all hyped up then go nowhere 

I think I was getting my first allocations by the end of the month which I was grateful for because going from an insane workload to none at all was tricky and I wanted to get going

March

Oh March 2020. How we did not see you coming. 

Before the lockdown even happened I remember people were panic buying. I stocked my freezer a bit, not because I was worried but because so many shelves were empty. All the shops starting looking apocalyptic and I was despairing over how silly everyone was being. You couldn’t get online shops anymore and there was no loo roll to be found - still think thats just so dumb. I had to go to 4 different stores to find oats and was so annoyed, weird little tidbit but I remember it. 

 I remember sitting down on my new furniture - eating a meal I had made, watching John Mulaney and feeling good in my new home - and seeing the Boris announcement. Other countries had already locked down so I had mentioned to my manager that I might have to go home to my Mums if it happened here - she had asked, I didn’t really believe it would. I had arranged for a friend to visit that month and when she cancelled I was like I think everyones being dramatic but okay. Then the 23rd, they announced a lockdown from midnight and I straight away messaged everyone to say I was panicking, asked my manager if I could leave and packed to drive back to Mum’s the next morning. I was in my flat about 6 weeks. 

I know for a fact that March felt like the longest month to ever happen but now I cant remember anything else from it - the announcement was so late in the month, I wasn’t working from Mum’s for that long before April. I think we were told to WFH if we could mid-month but I didn’t. Cant for the life of me now think why it felt so long. I know for those last 2 weeks I was refreshing the news constantly to see what was happening. I was still skeptical and thought the numbers were too low for such drama

April

WFH for real. Excruciating daily calls “to check in”. Working my first cases from home, only on the phone, with no idea what I was doing. Taking turns wearing headphone with Mum because we were both having confidential conversations. 

Walking my pup to get my alloted hour of exercise. Taking regular breaks to go outside - I think this was when there was a heatwave. Eating lunch outside. Sometimes doing weights or yoga during my lunch break - that part was actually pretty great 

Discovering podcasts - especially FDRF. They were the real MVP. 

Still constantly checking the news for updates. 3 weeks turned into 6 and so on and so on. 

I came back to my flat for one of the long weekends. I had accepted that it was going to be longer then 3 weeks and I needed more stuff. I went for a very hot walk through a ghost town - at the time it still seemed like there were too many people about. Still picnics in the park happening. 

Everyone flinching when they say each other and steering well clear. It made you feel tainted even though its what we were suppossed to do. 

Clapping for carers - absolute bullshit placating, hated it. 

Always being left off the list of keyworkers.

Still feeling like yeah its bad but ?? This cant go on forever 

A year of build up to a move then the rug was pulled out from under me, I tried not to complain because others had it so so much worse but it was hard. Is hard. 

We watched all of Location, all of Marvel, Bake off etc etc. I cried when Tony Stark died. 

I went back through my ENTIRE tumblr. I realised how little had changed really, it was very existential. 

May 

I had to come back to my new city because I was on a duty rota for 2 weeks. I was actually very excited and had a good time. I got to see people IRL!! Including some I was working with. It was definately a heatwave at that point - we were swealtering in our cars and full PPE but I was so glad to be out and about and back in the city. Putting a face and proper clothes on again was very weird

I dont remember anything else from May specifically. I think March and April lasted 10 years but then May June July were a blink. I think I had accepted how bad everything was by that point, I had stopped looking at the News for updates. I think this is where zoom started to be a thing maybe. 

June

Honestly not a clue. I was between My place and Mum’s because of the duty rota. I don’t think I came back FT until end of June. I know things were starting to open up again and it was all moving far too fast - I definately wasnt going to run out to the gym or pub but alot of people were. We were suppossed to go on holiday for a week this month, with my brother and the dogs but obvs that was cancelled - it was such a lovely place as well, shame. 

Yoga was still random but I did a weight workout every day this month which was great

July

Turning 25. I was definately back in the city FT, going back into work. My Mum came to stay in my place for the first time. My brother came over too. We went for a walk, had a picnic in the rain then ate cake back at mine. My Mum got me a microwave for my birthday because Im AN ADULT

For my birthday also me and my Mum watched Hamilton for the first time. This then took over my entire life and was played at all hours of the day 

Kept going with daily weight workouts, moved up another set. I think this is where I re-did Revolution

August

Ready to start socialising again. More restrictions were being lifted too quickly which I knew but also I had to GTFO

A friend came to stay with me for the weekend. Hes not very mobile so we couldnt do much - went for a short walk into town, sat by the river and got severely sunburned. We went to a restaurant for the first time in 6 months - I had pancakes. I made him watch Hamilton which he did not appreciate enough. Also watched Truman show for the first time while eating burritos - what a mindfuck that movie is I mean really

Went for a very long very hot walk with a friend all around the fields surrounding the city. We stopped for a drink and cake halfway, more drinks were then had in her garden. This was our first time hanging out alone and it was really lovely, we spent much more time together after that. Shes probably who Ive seen the most this year. 

A couple of weeks after that we went for bottomless brunch, followed by I think 3 or 4 other bars. The joys of getting day drunk. 

I think this was the month I started using friend/dating apps and got OBSESSED. They’re just so silly and judgey and fun, I love it. 

My 6 month tenancy ran out which I chose to renew. I started negotiations with my landlord for a pet agreement. 

I think this is where I re-did Dedicate. I think weight workouts fell off a little bit because I was pretty busy. Instead of running started doing 3 walks a week which was nice. 

September

First time hanging out with more then one person - did a Hamilton viewing party with 4 of us. There were american themed snacks, it was great. Not a boozy night which was needed. I think I then went for coffee with 2 of the girls this month. 

First time meeting up with 2 girls I met on an app - I’m still friendly with one, not the other. It was mostly a good time and I’m very proud to have done it but then drunken politics came up and it got AWKWARD. 

Nagging and nagging and nagging my landlord until she signed the pet agreement and LET ME GET A CAT

My obsession with apps was replaced with a cat shelter/app obsession. It was very frustrating because I wanted to rescue and they make it very hard so I eventually found a for sale ad and contacted them - it was a rescue though as far as I’m concerned, she was in a horrible situation for an “owner” who had no clue and had only had her for a couple weeks before giving up and putting her up for sale. I rescued her okay. I think it was 3 or 4 weeks after getting agreement that I went to pick her up. So getting everything ready for her was a big part of this month

I did manage to fit in a 5 day holiday. It was suppossed to be solo travel abroad but ended up being a Mon-Fri with family. We did some NT walks it was nice.

Then it was literally that weekend my brother drove me to Wales to pick up my new fur baby. Instantly fell in love obviously and my whole life became about her from that point on. They told me she was really timid and scared, she had been hiding in her current place, but I was so impressed with how curious and confident she is. She was wary at first, a bit flinchy, didnt like being petted with 2 hands, didnt like loud noises, wouldnt come on the bed or sofa, wouldnt come into the living room really. I put child locks on alot of doors but shes not mischivous so its never really been an issue. She loved to play from the get go and did come to me for a fuss from day one. I adore her basically. The first time she jumped on the sofa, sat next me on the bed, slept on my bed, let me stroke her with 2 hands, her first vet trip, every little first and win has always been a massive victory, Im a v proud mama. She was no name for a few days but quickly somehow became my Myshka (the whole long list I had went quickly out the window somehow)

Did some more regular yoga. Tried to do 5 weight workout a week but it was a bit random. Walks fell off because of anxiety over leaving the cat. 

October

Alot of WFH to be with the cat. Definately obsessed. 

We had our team day on a farm, that was lovely

Saw my friend for Halloween - watched Hocus Pocus for the first time, had cocktails, watched a boring horror movie then Rocky Horror which is just exceptional. Lockdown 2.0 was announced but we were tipsy and over it. 

A very stressful month work-wise, lots of deadline, threat of Ofsted, management changes, admin changes, not getting enough sleep because work stress and struggling with productivity. My health suffered a bit too because I didnt have time for lunchtime exercise anymore. 

November

Technically there was a lockdown but it felt no different because everyone was still in school and work, I dont think people even tried this time. 

The election, refreshing the results constantly. I fully expected a T win and was happy when he didnt but still disappointed at how close it was, as was everyone 

I bought my first Christmas tree and my own decs. Christmas shopping obvs. 

I downloaded Tiktok and started to question far too much about my identity. its ongoing. 

Most important was SUPERNATURAL. I had alot of feelings, it was an absolute rollercoaster my god. What a time to be alive that was. 

A couple of outside coffees in the park which is always nice. I went to a new friend’s house for tea and met their dog, also nice. 

I did a SV for the first time in a very long time and it reminded me of everything I used to hate about my old job, so happy to have left there

Test weekend taking the cat to stay with the family dogs, she did great, shes a champ

December

Pretty standard Christmas month. Had a christmas movie night with themed snacks and hot chocolate with one friend. Had another friend come for the day to do the same - first time I had seen her in a year after 3 cancellations, that was very lovely

Constant restriction changes and crappy government pissing me off but it didnt affect my plans luckily

All the Tier 2, Face Hands Space signs feeling very dystopian

Brother’s 30th plans got cancelled coz COVID. Back up NYE plans got cancelled got COVID. Actual NYE was fine tho the normal show/song/crowd was cancelled coz of course COVID 

OVERALL

Not so good shit

I mean the whole thing in general yknow

Alot of plans couldn’t go ahead - various groups I wanted to join, a new gym, more nights out with more people, more chances to meet new people ETC

My diet has been an inconsistet shit show BUT TFB there were months where you couldnt predict what was going to be on the shelves, you couldnt get orders and the whole world felt so pointless and dark like why even care about that shit yknow

My exercise also wasnt consistent though I dont feel too bad about it. I was always doing something I feel like even if it was just walking

Ive ended the year with the same amount of savings I started with which isnt exactly bad since I moved and furnished a flat and got a new pet but it isnt great

I hate WFH with a burning passion and im worried the world has accepted that as a new normal and im not okay with it

None of this shit is over yknow

Just a general hopelessness is the face of big world things yknow. Theres really nothing we can do about it, just gotta ride that wave and vote when ya can

No travel - I had such plans!!

Good shit

My new fur baby who I love and adore beyond sanity

Starting a good job in a great city with lovely people

Growing so much in confidence because Fuck it, everything is pointless anyway and theres no point in planning or caring so imma just do me

Exploring so much of who I am through new relationships, my own environment, little things like exploring my style, picking up old hobbies, trying new routines and habits

Strengthening some friendships and maintaining others despite the insane obstacles

Maintaining a positive relationship with My Mum in particular, and my whole family

Trying new things in my new city. Still managing nights out, a somewhat proper birthday and a short trip

No actual mental breakdowns which this year feels like a win. My mental health is actually in such a better place then it was this time last year. The job was killing me, thank fuck I got out when I did 

I redid more then 1 30 day programs and did 2 straight months of weights 

My family, friends and I are all safe and well 

Music of the year:

Hamilton

An awful lot of Panic! 

Anyone - DL

Partition (idk dont question me)

Basically alot of drama while trying to hold on to both my emo and club days - fuck I miss clubbing yall. I dont even like clubbing. 

Media of the year:

I should acknowledge Shameless even though I came full circle on it and have now fully abandoned the whole thing and prefer my own AU where Milkoviches get what they deserve 

Schitts Creek

Supernatural 

Hamilton obvs

Marvel technically, it was alot of hours

Staged

Derry Girls

Pose

The Old Guard

Pride - which is not new but we watched it on Christmas eve and I cried in my mums lap okay 

Ship of the year has to be Destiel I mean standing ovation for that rage inciting moment followed by a solid month of absolute chaotic good, it was glorious in its destruction. 

2021 INTENTIONS TO FOLLOW 

[ilvsyzj]

Chapter Fourteen: Picnic Day.

12/6/2020, Sunday

    After that eventful night that we were suddenly awoken by the surprise test, that we all slept in. All of us didn’t get up until 11:30 am. What I didn’t know was that Sky last night prep a surprise for me. When I was about to go downstairs for brunch. He told me to wear a dress and I gave him a weird look. But he said to trust him and that he will wait for me downstairs, while I changed. After he left I looked into the closet and the only dress that I found was my Spring white dress, that I used to wear for the Spring Festival. I put that on and some light make up and then went downstairs. The girls were very surprised when they saw me. 

The Girls: Wow! 

Jazzy: -blushing-

Sky: You look beautiful. :)

Jazzy: -blushing- Thanks. 

   I realized that Sky was holding a basket. I realized why Sky asked me to change. I knew what was going on. Sky was taking me to a picnic. 

Sky: See you losers later. -taking my hand- 

Everyone: Bye. 

    This time Sky opened the passenger door for me. He was going to drive. I got into the car, and Sky put our basket into the backseat. Then he got into the driver seat. Then we were off. I have no idea where Sky was taking me. I didn’t ask him. I was holding his hand while he drove. During the drive I fell asleep and Sky didn’t wake me up until we arrived. Sky woke me up and when I saw where we were, I was very surprised because I haven’t been to the beach in so long. We got out of the car. Holding hands we walked down to the water. We were pretty closed to the water when we stopped, and Sky lay down the blanket and sat the picnic basket down. Today’s weather was perfect. Not too hot and not too cold. We both sat down. 

Jazzy: What are we celebrating? :)

Sky: We are celebrating that we both got our Puppy Love Pawprint, moving out of the Friendship Phrase, and into the Dating Phrase. :)

Jazzy: I see. :)

Sky: I like to celebrate every little mile stone that I achieve. It’s also another way for me to make some new memories. 

Jazzy: I agree. Plus, I brought a camera with me. So we can take pictures or film clips. 

Sky: Mhm. Just don’t zoom into my face. The camera makes my head look 10 times as large. 

Jazzy: Deal. -laughing- What did you bring for lunch? Because I’m starving. 

Sky: I brought sandwiches, lemon tea with honey, and watermelon for dessert. 

Jazzy: Yum. Shall we eat?

Sky: Let’s. -taking a sandwich- What do you want to do after our lunch?

Jazzy: -eating a sandwich- Let’s walk by the water. 

Sky: Okay. 

     Sky and I ate, talked, and took pictures. After our lovely lunch we hold hands and walk towards the water. We splashed each other and I got everything on tape. We laughed, hugged, and the best part we kissed. Then we went back to our blanket, I put away my camera and we lay on the blanket. We were very happy and we felt very peaceful. We actually talked some more and each day Sky and I got to know each other. From what are favorite foods to our dislikes. 

Sky: We met on November 28, 2020. We been together for 1 week and a day. 

Jazzy: Has it only been that long? I thought we been together longer. -laughing- 

Sky: Mhm. I agree. But it’s only been and a week and a day. I have to tell you. I never felt so comfortable and safe in my entire life. Until I met you. :) Thank you for coming into my life. 

Jazzy: Thank you for coming into my life. I too never felt so comfortable and safe in my entire life. Until I met you. :) Let’s make more happy memories together. 

Sky: I would love to. :)

    Sky kissed me and this time the kiss was more passionate. He was on top of me in minutes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I unbuttoned Sky’s pants and stuck my hand into his pants. That’s when I realized that Sky wasn’t wearing his boxer shorts. So I can have access to his penis very easily. Since Sky has already lifted part of my dress, and he also realized I wasn’t wearing any underwear. I couldn’t believe we are going to have our first sex on the beach. But our moment was interrupted by a shout. We stop what we were doing and looked up. There standing a few feet away from us was an police officer. Sky pulled down my dress, and I button up his pants. We both stood up to face the police officer. 

Sky and Jazzy: Evening officer. 

Police Officer: Apparently, the two of you didn’t see the sign on top of the beach. 

Sky and Jazzy: -shaking our heads- 

Police Officer: There’s a large sign that says, “No PDA on the beach”.  

Sky and Jazzy: Sorry, officer. 

Police Officer: I’m letting you both off with a warning. If I catch you out here displaying any kind of PDA. I’m going to have to arrest the both of you. 

Sky and Jazzy: Understood. 

Police Officer: Good. Have good day. 

Sky and Jazzy: Thank you. You too officer. 

    When the police officer left. Sky and I stayed at the beach to watch the sunset. I also took a picture of it. When the stars came out we stayed a little bit longer to watch the stars and the moon. Since Sky loves watching the stars and moon. So we stayed. Then are phone buzzed. It was Mike texting us. Mike’s message to us was that we are to be back at the house, or Sebastian is going to lock us out and we will be sleeping with the Rogue Wolves. After that message, Sky and I packed up and walked back to the car. As we got to the parking lot we didn’t see any sign that said that we can’t do any PDA. But we did understand why the police officer told us to not do any PDA. Because there are people watching and when werewolves do any form of PDA, werewolves can be very loud. So Sky and I weren’t mad at all. However, we were disappointed that we can’t do what we crave to do. We went back to HQ before Sebastian closed the gates. As we drove up we can still see lights were still on inside HQ, and we knew that everyone else is still awake. 

    When we walked into the house we were greeted by a loud noise. It turns out that everyone was celebrating Candy’s birthday that was a day late. We were so busy that we didn’t have a chance to celebrate with her. So everyone threw her a party today to make it up to her. Sky and I walked in just as cake was being served. 

Candy: Hey! -excited- 

Sky and Jazzy: Hi. :) 

Sarah: We are celebrating Candy’s birthday a day late. Because we were busy cleaning the house. Do you guys want some cake?

Sky and Jazzy: Sure. Candy, happy birthday. :)

Candy: Thanks. :)

   We had cake. Celebrate Candy’s big day. It turns out that Candy has been drinking and she was all over Simon. Then out no where Candy dropped a bombshell on us. It turn out that Candy had a miscarriage. This news was a shocked to all of us. Even Simon didn’t know about it. She said that it was before she met Simon. She said that when she was younger she was pretty wild. She had sex with some guy that she met at a bar, without using any protection and that’s how she got pregnant. The reason why she lost the baby was because she was a heavy smoker and drinker. Not even six months and she started bleeding out heavily for no reason. Her mom took her to the hospital and that’s when they found out that Candy was pregnant and that the baby was no longer alive. Candy was hit the hardest about the news. Because Candy wanted kids and she loves kids. So, after what happened to her. She quit smoking and started to drink less. The guy that she had sex with knew about the miscarriage. And he did the most horrible thing humanly possible. He called Candy a whore, a bitch, and that she should be hanged for what she did to child. When Candy heard about this, her father was so mad that he went to the King. King You heard the case and the King You ruled in Candy’s favor. The guy that she met at the bar was given an warning. If he ever spread these kind rumors again, the King will have no choice but hang the man. The good news is the guy didn’t bother Candy, and he didn’t spread any more rumors about Candy. 

    After hearing this story, I can see smoke coming out of Simon’s ears. I knew he was very upset about the story. Candy, however ended on a happy note about her story and that is she was grateful that she has found her true soul mate. Before anything else could happened, Simon need some air so I decided to try to calm him down before he hurts anyone else. 

Jazzy: -soft voice- Simon. 

Simon: -froze half way getting up and looked at me- 

Jazzy: -soft voice- That bastard isn’t going hurt Candy anymore. He can’t. Because he has to get pass all 14 of us. If you go out there tonight and hunt him down. You’re going to end up in a whole lot of trouble with the King. Do you want to get kick out of R.M.C.? Or worst get execute. 

    Simon immediately understood what I was saying. And slowly sat back down. He put arm around Candy and didn’t let go. To my surprise I wasn’t sure if Simon was going to listen to me. But I’m glad he did. Because I really don’t want to lose a friend or an important member of our team.  

Jazzy: Sarah, please take Candy to her room. It’s time for us to go to bed. We all have classes tomorrow. Don’t want any of us to miss any classes. 

Sky: I agree. Let’s clean up and rest. It’s getting late. 

     After what Sky and I said, we did as were told. Sarah took Candy back to her room and the rest of cleaned up. Then we all went to our rooms. Sky took a shower, I fed Toothless and played with him for a bit. When Sky came out of the bathroom. I went to take a shower and Sky played with Toothless. After, I came out of the shower. I realized that I didn’t give Sky his present yet. Since he told me that he likes to celebrate all mile stones. And I not so much. But I will meet him half way. In my opinion I rather celebrate the bigger mile stones in life. But celebrating the little mile stones means so much to him. Then I’ll be happy to shower him with gifts. Even though, I’m terrible at giving them. 

Sky: -looking up- What?

Jazzy: -blushing- I have a gift for you. But I need to borrow your guitar. 

Sky: Okay. It’s in the closet. Do you know how to play a guitar?

Jazzy: I can play a little bit. But I’m not very good. -taking the guitar out of the closet- Also I’m not a very good singer either, and I didn’t have time to practice so I’m just go with the flow. Please don’t laugh at me. 

Sky: Okay. What are you going to sing?

Jazzy: -sitting in front of Sky- Just listen. I’m doing a cover song, and I think this song fit us perfectly. 

Sky: Okay. 

Jazzy: -began to play the guitar and sing- “Your laughter is praise, your scowl breaks my heart. I don’t even notice myself, I only feel what you feel. Wherever you go, bring my soul with you. It’s captured in your spell, there’s no point in leaving it. You’re my electricity and light, you’re my only fairy tale. I only love you, you are my super star. You lead, I follow, there’s no other way. I can only love you, you are my super star. Your hand is not only a hand, it means the world to me. It’s my little star, around it I revolve. Please look at me, give me something to dream about. I’m going crazy over you, you must reward my efforts soon. You’re the meaning of my life. My heaven and earth, you’re God’s will. Besides loving you, there’s no other truth. Fire, you’re like fire, the end to a moth’s journey. I never thought to escape, why must I run away? Thank you for this blissful dream. If I ever forget myself, please remember me.” 

Sky: -coming to me and kissed me- I love it. :) Thank you. 

Jazzy: I sung horribly didn’t I.

Sky: No. You sung beautifully. :)

Jazzy: Liar. -putting away the guitar- 

Sky: Well, you did sound a little off key. But it’s okay because I can give you lessons. I am an artist. :) After a few lessons and you sing this song to me again in the future. :)

Jazzy: I don’t know. 

Sky: You can sing this song again at our wedding. :) 

Jazzy: I don’t like performing in front of people. -getting into bed- 

Sky: No one would have to know that you’re getting singing lessons from me. We can do it on Sundays. :)

Jazzy: Fine. One lesson. If I can’t hit one right note or if you laugh at me. Then the singing lesson is over. 

Sky: Deal. :) 

    After that discussion of me getting my first singing lesson. We went to bed. Toothless was big enough to jumped on our bed. Toothless curled up at the foot of the bed between us. Sky and I didn’t say anything and went to bed. Because tomorrow we are going to have a lot more surprises. 

-End of Chapter Fourteen- 

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

We have an emergency sickness...

This will cause COVID to eradicate quicker despite hospital interventions.

This will cause vomiting of good people Only -- enough of one good meal then possible other random symptoms such as sweating and/or pain and nausea. And diarrhea and coughing. And sleepiness. It is very limited to one evening/part of day.

It will cause eradication of unheavenly and extreme evil.

This is due to Bobbys death yesterday. One hero down y'all. So we all gotta be heroes. The babies will be born in 80 days. And COVID simply doesn't have enough time.

It won't cause many long term symptoms except coughing or sneezing.

It will cause the "zombie outbreak" of people that have COVID which is a sleepy brainless feeling that we will also experience.

I felt the zombie first when I woke. Then Vomited (threw up). Steven vomited then felt the zombie effect. Just sleeping is fine.

This is how I explained the Corona from the beginning. So testing will show a false positive if it isn't an antibody and illness test like those in London England, Ireland, and other upper European countries.

So if you need/want off work then don't get the antibody test. If you have to get back to work, get the antibody test.

We will not obtain the tests that are done in Europe. Because this is the United States and the government will supply cash funds due to those being ill and needing to take off work. If they do not Then they will not obtain the tests in Europe without an extreme war taking place. Russia will stand in the way of the United States to protect that side of the world.

To mimic the way the blood steam does begin to dry out the intestines will empty for those of the good. It is a virus and as soon as they're empty both ways then you're fine and shouldn't test positive after two to four days.

Because it isn't speeding up the Mummyfication process, quarantine is still important world wide.

Because hospitals will begin to be overwhelmed.

When i have a sunburn over a tan then that will cause the Mummyfication process to be speeded up to where they will die within one to three days of contact.

Tree says 35 days that will begin to be noticed by health practitioners.

Good people will see they have a shade of a tan by one level. Some may not notice at all. But some may. Health benefits that would occur from a seasonal tan of a healthy style will be in the body naturally. And will continue to feed the body. For us that is when we know that quarantine should be over.

So look to girls whom wear make up. Beauty influencers that always have the perfect shade match and see the difference in that one level. So y'all guys and gals that wear a colored skin protecting layer over their faces for whatever personal reason and are like insta famous -- please do complain.

At this point its safe to go out and spread the disease and not over whelm hospitals.

They will have had the zombie effect or a shade of, people whom need to naturally die because they do not belong to the Earth and so they will not feel the need to go to the hospital and will actually feel absolutely fine but a bit sluggish in their minds or so on and will think sleep will help like it did for the Zombie effect.

And then they will die in their sleep them spontaneously combust into a gold glitter.

No hospitals should take them as the hospitals will see the combustions themselves and will realize that there's no cure nor any reason to treat.

But for now Quarantine 2020 is still mandatory for bodies as the hospitals will become overloaded.

Again this is a simple "gripe water" or Gatorade treatment.

Children will get this disease and they will vomit. In school. Not at home. Only in public school. And in private school. Home school children will not be effected except they will be sleepy more often. They should be allowed to sleep.

Schools doing online schooling with say zoom. Should have meetings no earlier than noon and no later than 10 pm. They should only expect 3 hours of schooling to be done per day. And they may find that is excessive for some k - 12.

Some may only be able to focus for 45 minutes of schooling per day especially of new material.

This is where you'll want to do "block" scheduling like Penn and Foster where they are only doing one class at a time. So you'll want to do only one class or subject per day. In some occasions 2.

So for reading and writing you'll want to combine it with Science, especially. From there you'll do grammer and comprehensive skills. As well as spelling and writing such as one or two sentences for questions.

It will be school time when people begin to spontaneously combust and the children that are of a double gene that is unearthly will begin to die first. This is so they are not left without parents.

182,061 in/from Valencia County total will spontaneously combust. Or die from regular COVID.

Ghosts are also spending 20 minutes with extreme neasua they will provide the Mummyfication aspect of the disease and they will begin to spread it as of now as soon as they get ill.

I am the Queen of the Planet and I have already contracted and spread the disease and King Byron has began to spread it in the ghost world.

So Zulululu. You're fucking welcome. You shouldn't had killed him. This is how and why we made this disease as it is.

There is no stopping it and if i am killed all occupants of the Earth that do not deserve to live on the planet will immediately die.

Bees sting once and die.

I do mass extinctions like I learned from you Zulululu from killing our dinosaurs, minute men and Great Trees.

So fuck off about that. You don't want to mess with me. Accept it and stay in your fucking houses. Hospitals will kill you with some extreme and obscene ways. Although they're not supposed to. But they have been because you've been working in them. And we've caught you hundreds of times and I know its been done millions.

And so patients should not be admitted but sent home to hydrate and take Advil and gas x. As well as heartburn medication. Some may take propranalol or other blood pressure medication for their comfort. 89% should be prescribed heart blood pressure medication despite any symptoms they show.

Any blood pressure medication is fine but propranalol and others tree will update with cause a calming mental effect and increases emotional stabilization.

Sinus pressure medication for some as they will feel like they are continuously being punched in the face. At up to 12 pills per day. One every hour they're awake. Some every two hours. It will only work up to 9 days so no point to prescribe past that amount. Some it will only work for 4. This can also be bought over the counter.

Again the shelves will be depleted of supplies at major retailers through September 2020 and only medication made in Ecuador saved slave ships will be available. The slaves human trafficked where stolen from Africa and Ecuador had saved them and returned them home.

So you white supremacy, those pills were all touched and breathed on by black people. And you should know.

So this disease is now spread by ghosts and good people will test positive in some locations as,they are carriers

We will all obtain a stomach/gastrointestinal virus that we must eliminate from our bodies immediately.

To remind you to keep evil people at bay and away from you and to remember they will be eliminated soon.

We have had to speed up the process. So the twins can be born.

I've chosen Sukkot Eve as their birthdate. I pronounce it Suck it. Although that isn't as it was originally pronounced which is Sock It. Now is sock-ought.

We are gonna sock these fuckers in the face and eliminate them.

Stay out of the hospitals if you're a good person they're too dangerous and you'll have to wait until Christmas to return to life.

Royals will return on the last day of Sukkot.

Google will tell you a good truth .... The end of the story was we kept all the BAD people in these structures then lit them on fire as they slept. And they died.

Which is why I chose this Jewish Holiday. For my children I've been pregnant with for 18 years to be born on.

By birthday does fall during the week of the Sukkot celebrations.

We did celebrate and drink and eat and party with them to say good bye. As they were all two faced and both of evil and good.

True earthlings are only capable of good and do not have the ability to be two faced.

Most of us have learned how to be in order to survive.

Most especially the Royals. And even Tree.

And it isn't right. And so we will take over the Earth and the governments and fix it. Includinf Crystal Lakes and rivers and oceans. Perfect hazy skies to block the UV of the sun (like Jupiter or Saturn) and clouds. And the world will again be paved with gold and we will have gardens of Eden all across the globe. No more deserts and no more suffering.

In order to do so we must remove those that destroyed it in the first place as well as their families and friends.

Many Earthlings are genetically half human and half alien. The human half does take presidency if in fact the SOUL inhabitant is of Original Earthling status.

Such as my children that chose to be born in order to help the world fight to survive and were created in a lab that is of half alien and half human. Human is the main component.

Now the last day of Sukkot the DNA will change of those that are half human and half alien and The alien partition will remove and they will become full human. Then their bodies will revive as they should look. And so basically the body removes an exoskeleton of hell.

This is caused for the human ghosts to now be allowed to spread the disease. So that the schedule can remain steady.

99% of alien inhabitants will be dead by Sukkot Eve 2020.

The rest will fall away on the last day of Sukkot. As the 1% are Just half alien genetic codes.

So hospitals you must prepare to write prescriptions and send people home or you will be overwhelmed.

Im not gonna sit here and warn and discuss it.

Its a fact. These fuckers are gonna die and they need to die at home.

There's nothing anyone can do. Bodies will not traditionally bloat and stink. They will begin to mummify themselves regardless if they're alive or not until they are able to spontaneously combust on their own.

This is because 36 ghosts came back to life only to be cremated and assist in a suicide of one of the worlds greatest military combat veterans.

Semper Fi

Hoorah. And hip hop hooray!

Morgues I wouldn't even bother. Just load them up in trucks and let them sit.

[gramilano]

Nikisha Fogo, photo Yousik Kim

Swedish ballerina Nikisha Fogo will soon take up a new position in a new company when she becomes a principal dancer at San Francisco Ballet. After seven years with the Vienna State Ballet, passing through the ranks from the corps de ballet to first soloist, director Manuel Legris’ decision to leave the company after ten years (he will take over at La Scala in December 2020) was a stimulus for her to move on.

When the Opera House in Vienna cancelled its performances from the 11 March, Fogo stayed in Vienna, not knowing whether it would be possible to finish the season, not being able to go home to Sweden, or on to San Francisco to find an apartment and settle in.

Lockdown

It’s a strange time, especially for dancers. We’re used to moving in big spaces and being able to jump around, and that’s not possible at the moment. But at the same time, it’s been an interesting journey: everyone’s in it together, and I think there’s a chance to grow with having more time than we would normally.

At the beginning of the lockdown, I just took my time to relax and just chill a little, but now I’m doing classes at home, and there was even the chance to be in the studio in Vienna because the company organise Zoom classes with just one dancer, one pianist, and one teacher. So that was really nice to be back in the studio – alone, but with my colleagues watching me through the camera.

It’s a surreal time. What are your plans now for moving to San Francisco?

It’s all a big question mark. Now I’m in Vienna as we weren’t allowed to leave because we didn’t know what would happen. So we are waiting, the whole company is waiting to know when we can come back to work. There’s also the question mark regarding going to San Francisco. I’m supposed to start in July, and I finish in Vienna at the end of June, so let’s see.

I don’t have an apartment or anything yet in San Francisco. It’s really strange not knowing when you can go and also where are you going. And when I can leave, will I be able to go home to Sweden beforehand? With all my luggage?

Beginnings

Nikisha aged three at the Balettakademien in Stockholm

When people ask me where I’m from, and I say, “Oh, I’m from Sweden,” I always get a funny look because I don’t look typically Swedish: my mom is Swedish and I was born in Sweden, and my dad was born in England but his parents are from Jamaica.

Fogo is my father’s name and means’ fire’ in Portuguese, and I feel like it’s a fitting name for me, especially when I’m on stage: energetic and fiery. In Sweden, I was probably the only Nikisha, but when I went to Jamaica last summer to dance, they were more Nikishas, which was different for me. I’m used to standing out and being a little bit different.

Both my mom and dad were dancers. Not ballet dancers, but show dancing and hip hop, and sometimes background dancers to artists. They met in London when my mom worked there, and when they decided to move to Sweden, they opened the first, or at least one of the first, hip hop dancing schools in Sweden.

Nikisha in Hairspray the Musical playing Inez for two seasons from 13 14 years old

Nikisha during her time at the Royal Swedish Ballet School 2

Nikisha during her time at the Royal Swedish Ballet School

Nikisha In the Swedish film “Änglagård Tredje gången gillt”

Because of their background, my sister and I were always dancing. There was music playing all the time at home and we danced and danced, sometimes in front of the mirror… it was always kind of a party at home. It was very happy. I went to dance school to do hip hop, tap, and all of that, and I really enjoyed myself.

My sister doesn’t dance anymore – she’s a singer and I’m really proud of her. But I wanted to dance even more and going to the Royal Swedish Ballet School meant I could dance also during school hours, which was really interesting for me.

So you left behind hip hop and tap for good?

If I’m with my friends and there’s dancing, I do, but I don’t take any classes. If I slipped on a pair of tap shoes now I could do it, but I’d be very rusty!

Why ballet?

I was always interested in ballet from watching the Vienna New Year’s concert every year. I was fascinated by the ballerinas. Ballet is a good beginning for all dancers giving a good ground to stand on. If you have ballet, you can move forward in any direction in dance, and that’s one of the reasons why I thought it was a good idea to go to the ballet school. When I started, I fell in love and just focused on ballet.

Nikisha Fogo at the Prix de Lausanne, 2011

When Fogo was nine, she started attending the Royal Swedish Ballet School, but her life changed dramatically in 2011 when she participated in the Prix de Lausanne, just after her 16th birthday.

I went to Lausanne, and although I didn’t reach the finals the competition gives you the chance to show yourself to different schools, so I got offered a lot of different scholarships and I’m really grateful for that opportunity. I didn’t get any prize, but if you don’t win it doesn’t mean you can’t make it. Gailene Stock, the director of the Royal Ballet School at the time, spotted me and offered me the chance to come to the school.

They put me up a year, so I did the second year and third year of the Upper School. I was with Marcelino Sambé, Matt Ball, Anna Rose [Sullivan], Esteban Hernandez… a lot of talented people. We were a very good year, we pushed each other to be better and we learned from each other. It was a really good time.

As her time at The Royal Ballet School was coming to an end, she looked to joining a company, which meant the audition circuit.

The Vienna audition was the first audition that I did outside of England. It was very nerve-wracking because I did the open audition. There were a lot of people there, and auditions are a stressful situation to be in, but it was fun in the end. Manuel [Legris] let me get through to presenting my solo, and then I made it through having a talk with him. He told me he was interested and would let me know. Two or three weeks later, on 18 January which is my birthday, I got the call to say that I had got the contract. That was a really nice gift! I started in September.

Vienna

Nikisha Fogo as Medora in Le Corsaire by Manuel Legris, photo by Ashley Taylor, Vienna State Ballet

Nikisha Fogo rehearses Medora in Le Corsaire by Manuel Legris, photo by Ashley Taylor, Vienna State Ballet

Nikisha Fogo as Sylvia by Manuel Legris, photo by Ashley Taylor, Vienna State Ballet

In September 2011 she found herself in Vienna – a member of the Wiener Staatsballett.

I began in the corps de ballet and I worked my way up the ranks.

The company has a challenging mixed repertoire, rather like her new company in San Francisco. The interrupted current season, for example, included new commissions, with works by Forsythe, McGregor, Duato, Van Manen and Kylián, alongside modern classics by MacMillan, Ashton, Cranko and Balanchine, together with the 19th-century classics Coppélia, Le Corsaire, and Sylvia.

I feel really lucky as in Vienna I’m doing everything. I am happy that I’ve been able to have a part in almost every piece. I guess I’m kind of used to jumping from contemporary and to classical and vice versa – it’s hard, but it’s also very exhilarating.

Going from contemporary to classical actually feels like it helps me with the classical. Sometimes it’s nice to break away from the typical ways of doing things and maybe see things in a different way and approach classical steps with different eyes. I always find that after I’ve come back to the classical, I’ve improved in some way by even not doing classical work. Maybe from classical to contemporary can be harder because you’re used to being formal.

Nikisha’s ‘big break’ came in 2018 when she was chosen to dance the title role in Legris’ new production of the ballet Sylvia.

Manuel is very good at seeing the potential in people and then giving them the chance to explore and prove that they can do something. He encourages a lot of young dancers.

I was the first person to do the role of Sylvia, which was very special – to have a role created for you is incredible. Not many people can say that. The ballet is very demanding, but I love that… I love the challenge.

Legris must have had great faith in you because it’s a long and difficult role, requiring a lot of stamina –  so many jumps!

Jumping is kind of my thing, so that was ok, but it was my first full-length ballet. To carry a whole ballet is different than if you come in to do one solo and so on. Knowing when to push more and knowing when to hold back was challenging for me in the beginning, because I was just pushing through with everything I did. This is also good, but in the long run, you want to be able to do the last part of the ballet well too! It was something new for me, and I really learned a lot from that.

After seven years with the company, her first, Fogo has decided that it’s time to move on.

I’ve really had a good time in Vienna and I feel that I’ve developed nicely. I’ve never been given something that I couldn’t handle and I’ve had chances to dance many nice things, including Balanchine which I really enjoy.

I love working with Manuel because he’s a great coach. If you get the chance to be in the studio with him, you learn so much, and he knows how to pull out the best of you. I really enjoy that and I’m going to miss that a lot. But who knows what the future will bring?

I’m going to miss the company too, because I have a lot of really good close friends and I mean, after seven years in a place, it’s kind of like home. But I’m really excited to explore San Francisco and to meet new people and new friends and learn new things from the company too.

San Francisco

Nikisha Fogo, photo by Marian Furnica

I found out that Manuel was going to leave Vienna, though I didn’t know where going – no one really knew where he was going for a long time. So, I thought yeah, ok, I’ve been here a while now and I think it’s time to explore new places and learn new things.

Last year the San Francisco Ballet was on tour in London. I’d already seen the company when they were in Paris before. I thought, wow, this is such a good opportunity for me to actually do an audition in London because it’s quite hard to do auditions overseas when you’re working. I had some days free from performances, and so there was the possibility to go. It just felt right. So, I went for it, and I took company class in London and [company director] Helgi Tomasson was there. I got a contract.

A contract as a principal dancer. However, apart from Sylvia, Manuel’s production of Le Corsaire and Pierre Lacotte’s Coppélia, she hasn’t danced other leading roles in a full-length ballet. There will be a steep learning curve in San Francisco.

Yeah. It’s going to be really exciting. I’m excited about that challenge. And I also know that the working process is very different there than in Vienna, for example, or in Europe. We would rehearse for something and then directly after three or four weeks rehearsing it, we’d perform it. In San Francisco, they have a performing season, so they start by learning all the pieces in the season. So that’s also going to be interesting.

Although Fogo’s moving date is up in the air, she did get a chance to go to San Francisco last year.

I went for the first time last summer. I was dancing in a gala in Mexico and thought that it was a good opportunity to check it out. I was there for four days, but unfortunately, I got food poisoning from a restaurant so I couldn’t do class, and then when I did a tour of the building, I was feeling so bad that I don’t remember anything I saw, I was just concentrating on not being sick.

Well, they say a bad dress rehearsal means a great opening night.

Yes! But it’s going to be tough… especially in the beginning. It’s exciting, though also sad because I’m leaving friends and family such a long distance away.

I’m looking forward to exploring new roles and different roles from the ones I’ve done so far. And artistically I’m really excited too because each company has its own character and energy and I’m eager to explore that. Obviously, it’s a big deal to become a principal and I’m excited to take on that task and work really hard.

There are some clips of Nikisha Fogo on YouTube. For those who have not seen her dance, she not only has a strong technique but has been blessed with big eyes and a wide smile: an expressive face and such a very useful tool for a dancer.

I find that when you can express the joy or whatever emotion you’re trying to give off from the dancing, the audience can see when you’re truly feeling it. Also, for me, it’s essential when you’re with another dancer, to have a connection and communicate with each other, and not only through the steps that you’ve been given. The audience knows when an expression is just stamped on. It’s very important for me and luckily it comes naturally to me too.

San Francisco is lucky to have you.

I feel lucky too. I’m looking forward to growing not only as a dancer but also as a person.

[Interview] Meet Nikisha Fogo, San Francisco Ballet’s new Principal Dancer Swedish ballerina Nikisha Fogo will soon take up a new position in a new company when she becomes a principal dancer at San Francisco Ballet.