#tw covid lockdown

[shark-making-soup]

imagine COVID au shinonomes just… slowly warming up to each other more as siblings over lockdown

like Ena learning how akito likes his tea while he’s stuck in quarantine and possible COVID

or akito leaving ena breakfast when he goes on his morning run so she “doesn’t ask him later”

ena drawing something for akito’s room because “you’re going to get bored of your 12,000 posters eventually”

[ashersbraincell]

Thinking about the type of kid/early teen I used to be. The kind, caring, sociable, helpful, empathetic to a fault hard-worker.

And thinking about how she was emotionally beaten out of me by force.

And thinking about how she’s probably that odd ache in my chest that refuses to go away no matter how hard I try to make myself jaded to protect both her and myself.

[anti-ao3]

having to read people online experiencing "covid lockdown nostalgia" is fucking crazy to me

the lockdown gave me anxiety attacks, a more severe depression than i've ever had and suicidal thoughts, so i do not fucking miss being terrified of dying and becoming paranoid over hygiene. fuck you

[hussyknee]

Why is my stupid idiot brain sunk to the very bottom of the sea bed like whale fall. I'm on extra strength medication, I'm staying off social media, I'm surrounded by kittens. And yet. My anxiety has turned into full blown agoraphobia and I'm so depressed that getting out of bed is a feat I only achieve because my cats need feeding.

It's been almost seventeen years of being bipolar but I still can't internalise that mood disorders are actual illnesses that disable and debilitate as much as any physical disease. Clearly the only thing wrong with me is that I'm not trying hard enough to crawl out of this. If I really wanted to get better I'd fight through my anxiety and back pain and sensory hell and do stuff like go to therapy, eat healthy, exercise and get a job.

To make matters worse, my brain keeps hollering that I'm 37 this year and no closer to joining the rest of the job-having, rent-paying, independent adult world. The fact that I've been in a consistently worsening mental health crisis since 2020 to the point that I was in greater danger than I've ever been of committing suicide the first six months of last year is clearly irrelevant. Somehow.

Tbh, if it wasn't for my rescue kittens, I'd be regretting that I didn't just go through with it. Not enough to go through with it now, but regretting it all the same. But I do have my kitties so I can't regret it. Instead, I'm just resigning myself to the fact that having something to live for, even when I don't want to, is the best I'll ever get.

[homo-rashi]

personal vent post TW CPTSD, Sick Animals, blood, Death,

long story short, I took care off a sick family pet for multiple years, they were very, very sick and it was very overwhelming for me. I was by myself due to covid lockdown most of the time and it was just me and the sick animal. I was in my late teens during this whole ordeal, but its normal to live alone in my country for attend high school in different towns.

I loved this pet so much, but they were pooping blood at an uncontroableness but they were still happy and eating and fine in every other aspect until they passed...that being said, they were about 80lbs. a large pet and they were in my bed most of the time and I couldnt move them by myseld. (im skinny and not very strong)

due to laundry services being closed in my country to covid, I couldnt due laundry and was often sleeping for days on end in blankets covever in blood and liquid poop from my pet. I would find one clean spot and cover myself up with it. I would spray a sink cloth with cologne and press it too my nose so i could sleep because it smelled so bad.

this was my life from just before covid lockdown to late 2022. I was living hell. I would often times find myself hiding in my closet away from my pet (they were safe and didn't need constant care) with my hands over my ears because they would cry if they were along and hearing them cry made me shake, I was terrified. I didn't want them to pass, but I couldn't take taking care of them at times. It was traumatizing.

I have a new pet now who is older and not always in the greatest health and whenever she gets sick, I go back to that place, how I was in lockdown. I freeze, I cry, I cant stop myself from shaking and I often throw up because of how afraid I am of being around a sick animal or any of my animals being sick again.

I think I have either PTSD or CPTSD from the entire expirence but I feel stupid because when youre googleing symptoms of CPTSD, is states its a response to thinks like years off sexual or physical abuse...so me being this...messed up over a sick animal? I dont know I just feel like i'm faking it but, i'm not.

does anyone have any expirence with trauma around animals? pls talk to me.

[alto-viola]

Is it rational to be scared of the new covid variant and another potential shutdown or am I just traumatized?

[do-rey-me]

you are the world.

as you lay dying in a hospital bed

we take a moment to breathe in

(we do not know this is a dangerous thing yet)

the air free of the chemicals and beeping and rushing we have grown accustomed to

we try and eat something that is not bland

the shops are closed

as you are dying, the world is dying with you.

when we had first arrived, the staff had thought i was old

they had me sign paperwork and give medical information for your stay as your next of kin

they looked in my eyes and saw my future

(Apollo was God of prophecy and medicine both)

knew i would command your fate into the ground

knew i would not condemn you to that terror of cremation

your family arrives

(black birds following armies, knowing that a feast will be served)

they always do, for matters they consider important

first arrives your sister

(i forget which one)

she is kind to me, of course

she dances around the obvious, of course

she is surprised that my mother and stepfather are there,

although she tries to hide it

at some point, there is a meeting around whether or not

you would want to have donated yourself to help others

(why is that information not already available?)

i don’t know for certain what you would say, but i tell them to do it anyway

(forgive me, for not asking)

(forgive me, for not saying hello)

(forgive me, for waiting until i was grown to talk)

your sister tries to give you your Last Rites while my family is away

the Priest, the Doctors, they all tell her no

she tries anyway

(i understand, she is trying to help)

(i understand, she does not know you)

your Mother arrives.

(so does her husband and my uncle)

i don the armor ive been welding for my (your) life (death)

I greet her with respect, we go through the motions of grief before death

(i do not give her my True Name, i do not eat of her food, i do not give her any debts)

(i am a changeling child, i know her kind well)

i prepare myself for real battles to begin.

the rest of the players trickle in

the family

your friends

(your friends go through your house, giving most to me. neither side asks, so no debt is owed)

(i do not have to go myself)

(it is one less battle to fight)

my mother becomes my second-in-command easily, as if she never even stopped

she is water, flowing and changing

she is rock, steady and tethering

here is how the war is fought

in uncomfortable hospital chairs, we talk, your family and i

your mother takes charge on her side

i take charge on mine

we are outnumbered, but we have legal power over your decisions

and their time is running out.

as per the rules set long ago, we must remain respectful. polite.

they are your family. they raised you. you are their precious son.

(you were born out of wedlock. you abandoned the faith. you raised a queer.)

my mother abandoned you. my stepfather must hate you. your friends are irrelevant.

(you were my mother’s best friend. you got my stepfather to branch out. your friends built a boat to burn for you)

but me? i am your child. you are my precious father, my world, who i am losing.

so when i tell them that you would want to be buried without a box, to feed the earth and let the worms eat your flesh?

they cannot oppose me directly.

most of your family ignores your brother, my uncle

they can’t understand the words he says so they think him infantile

when they aren’t ignoring him, they are Handling him

they tell him you are dying in little words

“Pete isn’t going to be around anymore soon”

they say in falsetto tones

they do not let him grieve. they do not let him love.

i do not let the rage boil under my skin

i do not let myself mourn that with your passing he will be taken away as well

it will not help him. it will not help you.

i often can’t understand what my uncle says either, but that’s not new

the wind likes to play tricks on me, tying words into knots before they reach my ears

i am one of the few that treats him like the eldest child he will soon be

he is one of the few that treats me like the child i shall still be for two years yet

so between battles, sitting amongst the corpses of words, we sit in silence,

and we draw

your death is scheduled

it has to be, to harvest what they can from you, to save who they can

there is ceremony to what comes after

they bring the body up, and we walk down the hall with it

doctors and nurses line the halls, giving respect to what we have lost

giving respect to what you have given that will save others

the only sound the whole way is my uncle’s sobs

i don’t know if he hates that it was a child, your child, who was the one comforting him

and so the world ends.

the funeral seems dull in comparison to the honor walk

sure, your family made a scene,

but my mother took the narrative back

and anyway.

by that point the fight was over

your wishes were respected

i had won.

the next day,

we went home.

and we didn’t come out.

and so the world ends.

[bumpscosity]

Got my next covid booster 💪

[chickpea0]

how many lockdown kids do you think are gonna grow up to be regressors do you think. mustve felt like you were 10 forever yet not experience it at all, then all of a sudden youre a teenager and time moves so weirdly

[shark-making-soup]

Leo/Need in my COVID au

+ honestly not too different

+ film music videos online and post them.

+ maybe do virtual concerts with other artists?

[ashersbraincell]

You know, it's just a little bit funny how since the lockdown I've had depressive episodes where I end up completely alientated and alone, and thus once I heal and return back to "normal" I always have to re-learn how to feel "right" in interacting with people in-person and integrating myself into a circle

[emaya-chan-the-potato-headed]

I may be very much alone with this thought, but OMG! Doesn't 2023 have the worst creative BLOCK and unmotivated energy you have ever experienced???!!!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my mom I would blow up her entire household and myself in a gas explosion if my parents built me a house to live in?

TW for descriptions of child abuse and suicide mention

I (22NB) cut off my abusive father (mid40M) and left home when I turned 18. I'm going to call him Harry (fake name) from now on because I'm going to have to talk about him a lot. When covid lockdowns started I had to leave home because I phsyically could not be in the same room as Harry without fully disassociating and would constantly have homicidal thoughts, suicidal thoughts and panic attacks just hearing him walk around the house or talk from locked away in my bedroom. Growing up Harry would phsyically and verbally abuse me, he's thrown me out of a window and locked me outside of the house, pinned me to the ground and stabbed me in the back of the neck with a pair chopsticks, slapped me, kicked me while I was curled up on the ground and so on. My mom (mid40F) would watch all these things and never did anything to stop the abuse, his abuse started ramping down when my little brother was born (12M) so most of these things happened to me from 6 years old to being 10. Harry has never been phsyically and verbally abusive towards my mom or my siblings I was his only victim at home.

I developed a slew of mental illness traits the main of which being diagnosed cPTSD from this abusive upbringing. I also ended up developing a phsyical disability that limits my mobility when I was turning 20, I live alone and the house I live in is extremely unaccessible and even dangerous for me to live in. Because of this I am still in regular contact with my mom getting her help with things I can't manage to do on my own due to my disability. Her and Harry are planning to move out to the countryside and have a house built there so I am aware I won't be able to rely on her for too many years longer. One day she mentions to me that apparently they had been planning to build me a small house tucked away at the back of their property for me to live in so she could keep taking care of me. I'd never heard of this plan before and never asked for anything like this.

First of all I found it incredibly demeaning to build a little doghouse out of sight to keep your traumatized disabled child like an unwanted pet only kept around out of pity and some sense of responsibility, my mom comes from a culture where its the norm to treat disabled people like this and make sure they are unseen but I did not appreciate it. Second of all this would literally be the most nightmarish scenario for me to live through possible, I can't drive I don't have a car and there is no public transport or delivery services for food and grocceries at all outside of the capital of my country. My mom doesn't drive either so she would put me in a scenario where literally every single aspect of my life would become completely dependent on my transphobic abuser that I still get full blown PTSD episodes even just thinking about. My house, my food, where I can go and getting to the doctor would all become completely at the mercy of Harry in this situation. This is when I told my mom if put in this situation I would blow up all of us in a gas explosion to escape it because that's how awful living through that would be.

She didn't really react to me saying I would blow all of them up if this happens because I use exaggerated violent language often, she just called me ungrateful. While it was mainly to express just how bad this situation would be for me it was also somewhat meant as a threat, due to my disability I've had other family members try to get me declared legally incompetent so they could get a government caregiver from me. My parents could absolutely use the law to force me into this housing situation even as an adult, it was partially a threat because I wanted it in their heads that it a bad idea for them to do this to me, realistically I would just commit suicide to escape it instead. My cPTSD makes me incapable of having grounded thoughts and reactions to the things that trigger it, I know my mental problems make me an asshole a lot of the time but I just want to live my shitty life as painlessly as possible for however long I've got left.

What are these acronyms?

[sillyhahasilly]

your takes on modern caldre aus? sorry if youve done this havent seen it on your blog :-)

hiii hello anon!! sorry this took so long! never ever feel bad for asking me for hcs and aus!! i love making them.

~~~

the only thing I've posted abt modern caldre is that i dont think they would still shoot up their school. i still stand by this, let me elaborate. i think both of them would still be really mentally ill, but they wouldn't need to be repressed as much bc of social and societal changes of now compared to 2001. AND they would have better access to the internet and we all know there are loads of stuff to enjoy and communities to join and feel belonging in instead of plotting mass murder. still, i enjoy thinking of what zero day would have been like if it happened today too!!

~~~

How would they have delt with covid?

lets say they would be seniors this year, like me. shit shut down in their 7th grade year and almost all of their 8th grade year would of been online. those are very much formative years lmao.

cal would js not do his work in online school. he would of been the kid playing video games and shit during zoom. andre would do decent online. he would enjoy not needing to deal w other people bs in person.

both would be really isolated, spending lots of time in their rooms. chronically online. !!tw sh!! i think this is when both of them would start shing. a lot of mental illnesses emerging.

cal would of been a discord kid during this time too. he dragged andre into it with him. i also think cal would e date some rando on discord.

i think they would also be fully realizing their sexualities during this time bc thats what everyone was doing on tik tok. gay ptide ig

andre would have a full on emo faze during lockdown that i dont think would ever go away.

~~~

Other random modern hcs!!!

both of them would be into violent video games. andre would love CoD. cal would like horror games and watching people play them. they would pull all nighters js to play video games and drop slurs to anyone who is better then them.

kys jokes all the time.

both would watch gore all the time and send it to each other.

both would be such gatekeepers for like anything 😭😭 if an artist they listened too became "tiktokifed" they both would LOSE IT. if an underground indie movie blew up they liked they would rage message eachother abt it.

andre would fall for those fucking military adds. rip

andre would not like skibidi toilet shit idk what yall are on. he would find it so annoying. cal, tho, would find some brainrot shit funny.

I do kinda think andre would use tiktok sometimes but would never post. cal would use tik tok all the time and his fyp would be cursed. so would cals insta reel feed. I think both of them would have a soft spot for insta reels cuz they can be rlly mean on there.

yk those school confession pages? andre once sent one anonymously alluding that someone was gonna shoot up his school cuz he was really pissed and the page got shut down. admin threatened to get police involved. he is LUCKY no one looked into it too much. cal thought the whole situation was hilarious.

cal is chronically online and stays up late a lot on his phone/computer/wtv.

~~~

that's all!!! this is very all over the place like my inspo for these lmao. if anyone has specific modern au requests lmk!! or any requests in general :)

[our-aroace-experience]

Foreword, TW mention of harassment and namecalling.

My experience is theres this guy in my block who kept flirting me even if he had a girl friend. The problem is

i wasnt aware that we were flirting until my friends pointed it out.

i enjoyed the time i spent with him but i honestly didn't see any of it as flirting. I thought he was trying to make friends so i was like, cool, okay. Besides, who am I to deny hugs and pets when I'm pretty much touch starved from the damned covid lockdown? If anything i feel thankful that he's being friendly to me. But then i guess what looks friendly to me isnt friendly to others.

Then, months later my friends were like... Saying this:

"the guy is a fuckboy"

"girl, everyone had weird stares at you when you were hugging"

"i think he likes you"

"are you nuts he's literally harassing you"

And all that kind of stuff. But the entire time we were 'flirting' i didn't feel romance or anything. If anything all the hugging and head patting felt platonic, and i definitely don't intend to snatch him off from his girl friend. I mean i don't even initiate any of the stuff he does. He literally walks up to me and gives me hugs from behind. But aside from all that touchy stuff, we don't even have a deep relationship. We just know each other, and we're in the same class. And i think we have a mutual understanding that neither of us wants to be in a romantic relationship with the other, and yet we both permit the hugging and stuff.

it's quite unfortunate that people branded us with nicknames like "fuckboy" and "slut" just because we have the capacity to be touchy. We didn't even do things together alone. It's legit just hugging and hand holding in broad daylight. Other than that there is literally nothing like AAHH WHY Is it so hard to explain,, like i never even told anyone about it in fear that I'll just further make myself look like a fugitive or something

On a lighter note—while he never told me that he's aro, I really get the feeling that he is, if he could do all that and have no feelings for me. And I'm a wee bit happy to see someone else other than myself who is willing to be sweet without getting all romancey and stuff :)

Anyway thank you for this blog... I don't feel alone around here because of these aspec safe blogs. Thank you... I hope that wasn't too vent-y.. Hehe

i hope that situation has worked out for you!

[wyn-n-tonic]

TW Weight:

Before I moved to Philadelphia, between 2018 and early 2020, I lost 75 pounds after years of struggling with disordered eating and engaging in unhealthy habits that caused me to become my heaviest (at ~279). When I moved to Philly, I was so excited because I was finally at a weight where I could get my surgery taken care of and I was going to be able to get it taken care of at Penn Medicine which made me feel safe and comfortable. IT WAS ALL COMING UP WYN!!

Well, I moved to Philadelphia on February 29, 2020. Guess what happened a couple of weeks later.

Anyway, between lockdown and not having access to a gym (weight lifting) and then sustaining a head injury in 2021, things were not easy and they were not pretty and I didn't do well at taking care of myself. Then I got cleared for exercise and then I got Bailey to encourage me to walk and work on my balance. Well... Bailey does not want to walk. She does not want to be out of her home and, honestly, mood.

Then I got fired for being disabled and advocating for myself and I got COVID at the same time (for the first time) which just knocked me out. I spent six months dealing with COVID, after effects of COVID (asthma, heyyy), unemployment and heavy depression. Which, like... okay, fine. Things happen.

Anyway, I got another job and it was great and I was moving more even though the asthma was taking my ass out. It's fine. It's cool. But then I got depressed again and honestly I have had a really bonkers 2024 and I just have not been doing Great(TM).

And my entire medical team and my insurance have said they'll approve my surgery whenever now (because asthma is an auto approval but not my cancer risk????) but I still wanted to start feeling better before I did that (I didn't want to look like a bowling pin).

So, fast forward to July 9, 2024, my sister comes to visit with her family and I hang out with them. Sarah and I took a picture together and I got so sad because I was like, "Um... who the fuck is that girl?" THAT WAS NOT ME! I did not recognize myself!

So I decided to take it seriously again and I've been focusing on making sure I have meals available and that I'm eating an actual breakfast and not just coffee and protein bars. I've also been working on putting more movement back into my day because I don't want to go too hard too fast and become demotivated because I'm overwhelmed, if that makes sense????? Anyway, I love walking but walking outside in this heat is dangerous and also with my balance and the way I crash out the last couple of years, it just didn't feel all that safe all around. I got a walking pad last month and was at the top of the weight capacity for it.

I officially started tracking things on July 20. I was 269. Today, I am 256. And my mental health is better and also I feel better! And also my clothes are already starting to fit better too. This shit rules.