#the last one was more difficult to find
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#the last one was more difficult to find#is louis' world and we are just living in it#louis tweets#louis 2015#louis january 2015#louis in 1d#one direction memes#one direction#louis memes#dominos pizza#pizza hut#things that louis likes#thanks for sharing#s
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URM checks notes NUMBER NINETEEN
"Oh." Chase stops walking, doorwings springing to attention. "I didn't realize we'd gone this far."
Blades turns around as soon as he realizes Chase has stopped, and jogs back over to meet him. "Wassup?" he asks around the silica wafers he's crunching on.
Chase frowns and takes a step away so he doesn't get any crumbs on him. "Don't talk while you're eating," he reflexively chastises, before gazing back up at the building he'd stopped in front of. "I just... I used to live here."
"Here?" Blades swallows and narrows his optics incredulously at the industrial building. It's not much of a home, gray and imposing with very few windows, but then again, the buildings like this scattered through the city were all he knew up until recently.
It's as home as he'll ever get, he supposes. But home is a place you're supposed to be able to return to, right?
"Well, that makes two of us," Blades says nonchalantly. "We didn't have any windows, though."
Chase turns to face him very slowly. Blades is usually so tight-lipped about his past, they all know next to nothing about his life before the academy. But he's opening up... because Chase is?
Oh, yes, that makes sense. Heatwave likes to do this too, right? Trading secrets. Tell me about you, and I'll tell you about me.
Chase can play this game.
"This was the last one," he continues softly, doorwings dropping a little, reflexively measuring the air currents around them. "Where I failed my final exams. I grew up in several facilities just like this around Iacon."
"Oh." Blades has one hand hovering, like he wants to touch Chase but isn't sure if he should. "How'd you fail?"
Blades isn't playing the game correctly. He's pushing further before he's giving back. Chase looks up at the building again, and suddenly feels a deep and oppressive longing for his batch.
But they're not in this building. They've moved on to a precinct by now, and likely have their own apartment or apartments. They're living their lives now. They're not here.
"I did well on my written exams," Chase says, mostly to distract himself. "But I kept failing my practical exams."
"How?"
Blades isn't playing right. This isn't fair, Chase is giving far too much and Blades is giving too little.
Chase stares at the building a little more, and feels an odd emotion swirling in his tanks. He's... angry?
He's angry. At this stupid building, at Ultra Magnus, at the enforcers, at Blades for asking questions.
"They said I was too strict on the law," Chase murmurs. His wings snap out when Blades steps closer, and thankfully he gets the message and keeps his distance.
"Well, I mean, I guess that's a little fair," Blades says, and Chase's finials pin back. "You have to make the punishment fit the crime. If something's unusually harsh-"
"No one should get away with any crime," Chase growls. "I agree, there is nuance to situation, but you have to penalize mechs." His wings ruffle.
Being angry is uncomfortable. It simmers under his plating and demands all his attention. He squeezes his hands into fists. "Including those in the administration. They kept asking questions, about what if it affected our jobs, or the way society works, or if it endangered those in power would it even be worth it?" Chase squeezes his optics shut, letting out a harsh vent and hoping the crawling feeling of needing to do something leaves with the air. "I was upset with the curriculum, so I tried to uncover the source."
"Oh." Blades' tone has turned dark, his field curious, and also frustrated. But he's doing something odd with it, as if trying to communicate that the anger is not focused on Chase. It isn't quite clear, but he appreciates it regardless. "Is that why they failed you?"
"No." Chase looks back up at the building. "They gave me one more chance after finding me looking into... them. But I was never allowed to be alone after that. But, my final exam..."
Chase shutters his optics again. Backtalking is not an enforcer trait! the voice of one of his instructors screams in his audials. You're nothing but an insolent little brat who thinks you're better than the rest of us-
"Chase?"
Chase vents harshly and shoves the memories away. Talking about it is good, right? Besides, it's all over.
They can't touch him now.
"I'm okay." Chase turns back to Blades. "They simulated someone breaking into the building and attacking us without telling us what was happening." He vents harshly again. "I thought he was going to kill my batchmates. He had taken a few down, and a vibroknife to one's neck, and it was just me pointing my gun at him.
"They were shouting at me to kill him." Chase blindly reaches out and Blades grabs his hand, squeezing it tight. "I tried to shoot his knee, incapacitate him so he could face justice. But... the gun was empty. They gave me an empty gun. And they were not happy with me."
Cohort above all else! the voice screams in his helm. You should NEVER risk your cohort for justice. If they threaten a life, take theirs.
But-
But NOTHING. This was your last chance. When push comes to shove, you've proven you're WEAK.
The enforcers do not tolerate weakness.
"Oh." Blades says. "And now you're here."
"I don't understand," Chase growls. "What I did was perfectly acceptable, even in regards to the curriculum-"
"Oh, Chase," Blades says, soft and almost mournful. Chase falls silent. "I think they just wanted you to follow orders."
"Oh."
Why can't you just follow orders?
"I don't want to keep talking about this," Chase says suddenly, pulling away from Blades.
"Yeah, of course," Blades says softly. "Let's go back."
"Right."
They've just started walking when an achingly familiar voice reaches Chase's audials. "Chase! Chase, is that you?"
Blades' optics narrow. "Is he one of your-"
"No. Just a friend." Chase takes a deep vent, steels his field into a neutral state, and turns to face the approaching mech.
Smokescreen scoops Chase up into a hug that's just a little too tight. "How're you doing, buddy?" he asks, cupping Chase's face. "Oh man, it's been too long! I heard you got shifted to the Rescue Bots, but man, I didn't think they'd put you through the works like this. I mean, the optics are cool, but they aren't, well, you."
"It is nice to see you too, Smokescreen," Chase murmurs, fluttering his wings to return the greeting Smokescreen's are flapping. "How have you been?"
"I've been doing great!" Smokescreen's wings flutters excitedly, and he moves his hands from Chase's face to his shoulders. "Your batch is doing good too, they're great kids." His face pulls into a frown. "I know the policies and you can't talk to them. But I thought you might like to know."
"Yes, that is... nice to hear." Chase's frame might be overheating.
"Oh, but who's this?" Smokescreen asks, gesturing to Blades with a wing.
"Blades," Blades introduces himself. He doesn't offer a hand, and has begun crunching on his silica wafers again. "A friend."
"Oh, that reminds me!" Smokescreen lets go of Chase and starts tapping on his comm. "Prowl's a few blocks over, I gotta tell him you're here! He'd love to see you!"
Chase's tanks drop to his pedes. "That really isn't necessary-"
"He's on his way." Smokescreen tucks his comm away and turns back to Chase with another grin. "But you're making friends! I'm real proud of you, kiddo," he admonishes, petting between his finials.
Blades is watching the two of them, tensed, like he's ready to fight at a moment's notice. Not for the first time, Chase wonders if he carries weapons.
Tires squeal as an enforcer rounds the corner, before transforming with a bounce and landing right in front of them. Prowl's face doesn't match his driving, nor his field, flitting with carefully contained excitement. "Chase," he says, with a soft and professional smile, "it's good to see you."
"It is good to see you too," Chase says, accepting and clasping Prowl's outstretched hands.
Prowl's gaze drifts behind Chase, and his optics widen a modicum. He's shocked. "Oh," he says. "Hello."
Blades field is tucked tight to his frame, but his rotors are flared in a clear show of hostility. Both Smokescreen and Prowl's wings drop into a position of do-not-worry-I-am-not-a-threat.
"Do you know him?" Chase asks Blades, now almost worrying about potential weapons on Blades' frame.
Blades doesn't answer. "We have met," Prowl says vaguely. "I am glad to see you are doing well."
Blades' rotors hike up higher. .:We should go. Now:.
.:Only if you tell me why:. Chase challenges. It's only fair, he thinks.
"We should probably go," Smokescreen says, but whether it's for a legitimate reason or he can sense the tension in the air is unclear. "We can't be seen slacking off."
He pushes past Prowl to rub his chevron to the crest of Chase's helm. "Keep out of trouble, alright? And don't be a stranger! They never said you couldn't talk to us."
"Of course," Chase says, letting Prowl rub his chevron against him next. He's pinged twice not a moment later.
Blades tugs insistently at a wing, which Chase flicks out of his grip. He turns to face him, wings flaring up in anger. "Why-"
"Alright, stay safe!" With another quick hug from Smokescreen, the two enforcers speed off together.
"Ugh, finally," Blades growls. "Let's go."
"I don't understand what your problem is," Chase says, flicking his wing to try and get rid of the phantom sensation of a hand on it. "And do not touch my wings ever again."
"Noted," Blades says. "Sorry. I didn't mean- I just wanted to get out of there."
"Why?"
"Because... they let one of them practice questioning with me," Blades says softly. "Regarding my brothers' murders. I'm sure he's nice, but..."
Chase patiently waits for Blades to continue, but he trails off into silence.
It's nothing compared to what Chase told him, but it's something. Brothers, interrogations, murder?
Chase doesn't like not knowing. But Blades likes not telling. So here they are, at a standstill.
"Okay," Chase says softly. He reaches for Blades' hand, and the helicopter takes it.
They walk home in silence.
#sorry last couple days got kinda busy#but WE'RE BACK#anyways CHASE LOREEEEEE#I love him#and his unshakable moral code#of course if he finds corruption within the administration he's gonna go after it#also he bottles up his emotions because processing them is really difficult for him. this will definitely not have long term consequences#also this is kind of what kills chase's little rebellious streak#as in outright questioning orders#it potentially makes him worse though... now he looks for loopholes#smokescreen and prowl are batchmates#and when training new enforcers sometimes they'll bring in the probies and let them do a little babysitting. it's good for everyone#so that's how they know chase#they had no involvement in his exams#oh wow. an awful lot of iaconi enforcers with praxian frame types#wonder why that is#and on griffin rock sometimes chase sends comm updates to smokescreen and prowl. he hasn't heard anything back in a long time#also blades is so interesting to me. I keep writing him angry and anxious#by the time they get to griffin rock the anger kind of fizzles out because they're in a new place and there's so much more to be scared#and no one who's hurt him is there#god they are so *squeezes them like playdough*#maccadam#transformers#transformers rescue bots#woosh answers#thanks for the ask!!#smoke and mirrors au#academy s&m ask game#ask game#rescue bots au
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OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever
#jrwi fanart#cw blood#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#arthur bennett#OUHH THIS ONE WAS SITTING IN MY WIPS FOR SO LOOOONGwhen i took it out there was mould on it :sob:#BUT i think i was able to fix it up okay#i keep seeing SO MANY MISTAKES RRAAAHHH BUT YOU DONT SEE THEM RIGHT?? THATS ONLY ME. RIGHT?? EXACTLY.#THE KEY IS TO SAY. AND REPEAT AFTER ME. 'FUUUCK IT WE BALL#so anyway. arthur bennett huh? grizzly says that arthur is reaal fuckin difficult to play. and i SUPER get that. i mean LOOK AT HIM..#grizz often needs a minute to think abt what hes gonna say in a way that matches w that Stoic Personality. which is FAIR but also that#ends up making way for awkward confrontations like: the lady in the parky lot. he took too long to answer and scared her away.& I LOVE THAT#arthur is tragic and sad and cool and stoic but hes ALSO awkward and silly and kinda dumb and short sighted. HE HAS COMPLEXITIES#I LOVE WHEN TTRPG CHARACTERS HAVE A GOOD SET OF SHORTCOMINGS. ESPECIALLY WHEN U FIND THEM ONLY AS U PLAY THEM.#I COULd go on and on saying the same things w different words abt arthurs intriguing and entertaining character but i shall spare u. for no#ILL ALSO MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS FLAVOR THO.. I LOVE TALL HOT BOY WHOS ONE W THE DARKNESS.. I REMEMBER WHEN HE FIRST MENTIONED THE#BADLUCK. N I WAS LIKE OOOHH THATS WHY HIS DESIGN IS SO COOL N CHAOTIC N ASYMMETRICAL. HES UNLUCKY!!! i love love love his design so much...#GRaaauruguguraguhhghghgh what else what else is there for me to spew on abt...i think im reachin a limit here..OH MAGNUS. i hope that#we get to know more abt how magnus and arthur met.. like How they became besties... ouuhh... I ALSO WANNA KNOW MORE ABT MARY DAVIS. LIKEHOW#he also apparently spent alotta time in a zone dominated by edward twilight? all he remembers is constant partying? I WANNA KNOW MORE..#i think i got room 4 one more ramble SO. THE ART PIECE.as i said its gone a lil stale BUT. im still very proud o the bits where hes allScar#I WANNA SEE HIM GET SCARYMORE. I like the idea of shadows solidifying to make him strange and eerie.like TEETH n CLAWS n SPINES n YESS#also the SILVER EYES.no1 does silver eyes like the show Claymore. they make em look so striking and eerie...i also like to think that#human arthur had deep beautiful brown eyes.just in my beaitufl heart.i mean look at him..i wanna cook him n eat him.ANYWAY#i think thats all my ramblin for this piece. now i gotta go cancel a single day i had ata hotel bc my work schedule change last minute FUCK#feel free to ramble in my tags aswell tho i read all of them and i chew on thenm and i love them so sos os mcuh
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got to see the total eclipse in person!!! heres some art commemorating that! cuz getting to watch 2 celestial bodies make out sloppy style was inspiring what can i say, also it was just rlly beautiful and cool and amazing to get to see ghg- but also! its like?? basically the moon finally getting the suns undivided attention... and thats got some vibes to it,, some energies... that i could not ignore lol.
#original art#eclipse#solar eclipse 2024#total eclipse#doodles#original#artists on tumblr#ok sorry these r probably kinda sloppy looking. 1 paintings very difficult.#and 2. my brain wouldnt let me work on other shit before finishing these but i have other shit i NEED TO DO#so im deciding they r now finished i dont wanna spend any more time on them lol#i think they turned out ok tho#i recorded the process of me drawing them too so#there might..be a speedpaint. possibly#last time i said a picture would get a speedpaint was like 2 years ago and it didnt get one cuz my computer hated me lol#but! i have a new computer now...#if i find the time / energy to make that speedpaint.. then there might be a speedpaint#we shall see lol#i kno the height difference i gave them isnt acurate at all to actual sizes. the sun is bigger#but... this is what i wanted to draw gghgh-#if it makes u feel any better i did come up w a headcanon while drawing that they can just shapeshift freely n be whatever heights they wan#right now the moons just taller#cuz i said so#also sorry they kinda resemble my tak and gaz a bit… that wasn’t intentional… I just wanted the moon to be gothy and the sun be spiky#but#they kinda do look a bit like them ghg-
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my mom is gonna own her very own house for the first time in her life within the next week. so crazy to think about
#it actually has enough bedroom for us to all have our own#i'll get to choose the color of my walls for the first time!!#and hang up art on the walls and make it really really my own#it's so odd to think about these days#because i've been a lot more removed from home and my family this semester#i never even looked at the house listing until last night#i think i'm distancing myself from it for some reason#not sure why but#i'm still excited#it's not super nice looking on the outside#and not really the best location either#but it'll be ours for the first time since over ten years ago#we are so lucky!!!#we spent so so long looking at houses and it's so difficult to find something affordable and close and big enough for our family#so this one was definitely a compromise#not very close to much and not super nice looking#but it fits us and it'll be ours!#so yeah. we are so lucky#. >> mari says shit !
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Writing Mulder and Scully out of sync, not talking, not getting along, is WAY harder than I thought it would be. If anyone has any advice 😅
#finding a balance between in character + hurtful + not TOO hurtful + you guys just need to talk it out#is so difficult but i feel like it would be good if i can pull it off#the payoff is good if i can build up to it with enough believable angst that doesnt make the reader hate either of the characters#making you feel sympathetic for them even when theyre acting stupid#i have a whole new respect for fic writers who delve into mental health and conflict etc#might have to table this one for tonight. BUT i did more than stare at the blank document like i did last night so that's already a win#txf#x files#my fanfiction#fox mulder#dana scully
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Yes, the fluff is far preferable (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#Taffy is best girl! She always makes things better! A Taffy hug keeps the sads away!#Very nearly a cure-all who can stay upset with a sheep to smech <3#They really are a cute duo ah ♪ The pets really are such fun#Had a good bit of fun with Charm's poses there too haha leaning and kneeling to be close to bebe#Couple'a same pose Charms to try and capture an action I do sometimes lol#The important part was the leg pose and I ran out of room with the bigger one how silly - smaller fullbody much better#Both cute tho#I find myself standing heavily on one leg over the other like mid-walk - not just shifting because it's pretty much always my left#Which I mean I Am left-legged despite being right-handed so maybe that's it? My right side is a bit weaker in my knee and ankle hmm#Dunno! Definitely cute on Charm tho and I still really like that arm pose haha#Sleepy Charm <3 I wonder if I'll ever not think it's cute to draw a semi-burst pillow being hugged haha#It's just so themes ♪#The last two were mostly spacefillers but also a reminder to myself to use shoulders-and-hips lines they Always turn out prettier like that#Just chill relaxing enjoying the downtime good for her#I dunno why especially hips are just so difficult for me to draw without A singular extra line of guidance but it makes all the difference!#Just makes the whole bit flow better - waist to hips to legs and makes her in specific her shoes more fun to draw haha
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my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.
anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.
#it's pretty annoying because my mother-in-law of course asked me how applying for jobs is going. I haven't applied for a single one yet#bc dude I can barely get through the day. I sleep for 12-16 hours a day. and I'm almost always in some kind of pain. and I'm not doing so#good mentally either. come on! I interacted with a handful of people in one day and had to sleep for like 6 hours.#anyway so I said it's a bit difficult because I'm constantly tired - it felt like the only thing she might kind of understand?#annnd she said its probably a vitamin D deficiency and I should get that tested (I won't because I'd have to pay for that and also I think I#read that taking vitamin D supplements doesn't actually help? I can't remember now and I don't want to look it up bc I know it definitely is#not the only or even main reason I am always tired.#I took vitamin D tablets for several months last year (?) bc my previous GP recommended it and. it did absolutely nothing at all#plus. like. I can't sleep. I sleep like shit. always. so. idk? that definitely doesn't help#and I sleep more when I'm in pain and all that too. so.#and she knows I have a bunch of health issues but. nope it's vitamin D because that's one thing and it's simple and here take a pill you're#fine now! wait why aren't you fine now? oh I guess you're just lazy 🙄#< that's 100% how that would go#ugh. Just let me sleep for 5-10 years. maybe that'd fix me....#like. I'm trying to get myself back (?) to being an actual human person again. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm trying to#live and not feel like I'm drowning every fucking day#finding a job is only gonna add more stress and exhaustion and everything. if I want to try to help myself this is the time to do it#okay rant over I'm going to sleep now#personal
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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)
#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to#i don't want to make people uncomfortable#and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane#it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions#and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any#of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you#it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done#such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical#and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt#of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything#i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not#visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness#is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow#i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace#i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie#life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do#this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals#and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting#them that was never my intention. i promise#so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about#you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to#navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate#the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people#not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too#I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking#brain of mine.
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⇝ parallels between glass animals past albums and "dreamland" ✧・゚:
hazey / domestic bliss / mama's gun / it's all so incredibly loud / jdnt / melon and the coconut / pools / hot sugar / agnes / helium / youth / dreamland / pork soda / i dont wanna talk (i just wanna dance)
part 1 2
+bonus:
#glass animals#flashing warning#long post#glass animals dreamland#mine#gifset#made with capcut#made with ezgif#PART 2 BABEYYYYYYYY#oki talking time#FIRST AND FOREMOST i actually had a lot trouble with this one#idk if its just because some of these songs arent my favs but yeah ://#ANYWAY LETS GET INTO MY THOUGHTS#ok hazey / domestic bliss was the second line that i came up with actually because both songs are abt the same thing (abuse)#but i think that the lyrics are really different for each song which is why its um. kinda weird#its all so incredibly loud was actually one of the last songs i looked into and THANK GOD IT WAS EASY#it is not a song that i listen to often so yeah aksdjhgfj#plus i really like mama's gun and i did want to add it here :3#also i may now have a love-hate relationship with melon and the coconut#bc i love the song now more than ever but also it was so difficult to find lyrics for this one....#even now im not too happy with it but we ball#i really didnt think melly and the coconut would be a difficult song. but god#also i like the jdnt concert vid. even if it is shaky lmaooo#ALSO OMG HOT SUGAR#i wasnt the biggest fan of this song when i first listened to it but then#i ended up listening to hot sugar over and over for this gifset and uhm. yeah now its one of my favs that i cannot live w/o#also pools was the immediate first song that came to head upon actually reading hot sugar's lyrics#personal note abt pools btw. ive always been freaked out by that song (in a good way) its such a bop but also sososo unnvering i love it#BUT the songs are pretty specific/different from hot sugar so uh. i was grasping at straws there yea#REST OF MY TAGS ARE GOING INTO A SECON REBLOG BECAUSE IT REFUSES TO BE ADDED HERE
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no sketch or wip tonight because i spent my drawing time actually trying to plan the next few combat sketches so they actually make sense as a pair as well as alone. I'll put a preview of the ones i've settled on so far though there's a few more i wanna figure out before i start sketching >:3
plus a bonus placeholder leofard for koana since i took these ref shots before DT launched lol
i think these work pretty well!
I'm going to try and figure out the rest of the xiv ones and start planning some wow ones tomorrow and get back to sketching soon!
#the last couple i did didn't work well as a combat couple sketch only solo so i wanted to try and purposefully make sure they'd make sense#figuring out which pose ref i took makes sense together really felt like i was playing with stickers lol#i might change my mind on the one of shana but idk yet#i still need to try and get some more refs from other games soon so i can add them to my wips#i'm purposefully trying to use in game pose refs because i thought it'd be more fun. but i think it might be more difficult with older game#but only one way to find out right?
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Honestly I think Dean Highbottom has some shit to answer to as well. The mockery, the derision, the outright admittance that he was hoping Coriolanus would fail and the Snow family would continue to suffer. How someone who loathed the Games still treated a young man with cruelty because of the past, because of social divides that would be so easy to tear down. In the end, it wasn’t just Gaul who shaped Snow into the man he became. So bitter and hateful. So incapable of compassion and forgiveness. Just like his father. Just like his Dean.
#like yeah there were a lot of things questionable about Snow even before he was chosen as a mentor in the games#but like. damn. you didn’t even consider the idea he could be better than his father did you?#the way kindness could have unravelled some of the hate in Snow’s heart#listen to me tell you the horrible things your father did. listen to me tell you that you can be different. you are not the past.#the divides between us do not truly exist. look at the weapon in your hand. it is real. and it can do real damage#but if you never hate someone - if they never fool you into letting violence into your heart - they can never make you use it#it breaks my heart. how could you hate a ghost so much that you’d kill a child. I don’t know. but the Dean does. and so does Snow.#the cycles run and run until somebody stops. and burns some bread. and shares berries. and takes an arrow. and says no more. I love you#it is difficult. it could hurt me. it could be the very last thing I do. it may not even serve me well. but I love you. I love. always.#how pathetic hate makes you. how strong love makes you. like staring at the Dean and staring at characters like Haymitch#like two substance abusing men who know the system inside out. who are complicit. who are victims. both embittered and angry.#but one saw a child and decided to punish him for the past#and the other saw a child and decided - okay. it’s been 23 years. my heart hurts. I want to give in. I want to hate you. I want to not care.#I’m going to care anyway. I’m in so much pain. It’s killing me. I’m going to care anyway. about you both. it won’t be perfect. but I care.#and I’ll be here through hell. and I will fuck up. so fucking badly. because I’m still addicted and angry and god knows I have suffered.#god knows these hands are bloody and they always will be. but I will keep coming back. I will keep trying. I will still love.#and in the end I will write names in a book that belongs to you and I will find a little bit of peace in a house where the sun shines#and the geese make ridiculous noises in the yard. and love will have seen me through.#HAYMITCH YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS I LOVE YOU MY IMPERFECT DARLING#dean highbottom#coriolanus snow#the hunger games#a ballad of songbirds and snakes#haymitch abernathy#thg#abosas#suzanne collins#SHE WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS
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#is there something i'm not getting about the boycotts? bc it's been kinda easy for me.#like the only one that's been difficult is google bc it's literally everywhere but i've been working to find other ways bc google sucks now#like you tell me that my money is going to something i don't support if i spend there? ok then i'll find somewhere else that does.#it's the age of information for gods sake. we can find alternatives#or just not spend money there and go to a grocery store they'll probs have something there#i've never really cared about eurovision so that's easy to ignore. i do like stranger things but i care about peoples lives more#and there are other things i can watch. it's not that big a sacrifice to me.#also i haven't had netflix since last march and i'm not getting it just for one show. i was tempted for dungeon meshi but still no#plus i can just read the manga. so how are people struggling with this? it feels easy to me#like just find other things or pirate if it's going to kill you to miss it
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It's dead af at work. We got through our four reservations and have had no walk ins, and my manager won't cut me because he hates doing my job (and we're friends and he knows I need the money) and tbh I don't want to be cut (can't really afford to be) but I'm actually going insane from sitting on my stool, going through Tumblr, Insta, Kindle, then standing up and going through those apps again, then sitting down and going through those apps again, etc. it's nice to get paid to do nothing, because tbh if I was cut then I'd just be doing this but in my bed, but I'm getting so fucking restless.
#truly im unneeded rn#my other manager gave me the option to be cut before my shift even started but again. I'm broke af#so i came in. and im getting paid $15 an hour to scroll through all of my apps#and im trying to be mildly productive#trying to do some resding because i didnt resd as much as i wanted this month#to make up for it i finished three books in the last two days and im going for a fourth#one of them i had already started. one was pretty short. and one was so good that i tore through it fast#this is a more difficult story. about a school shooting. not super fun but a good story nonetheless#you ever read a book and then want to forget it so you can read it for the first time again?#i just read jumper by Melanie Crowder and it was so good. although apparently the diabetes information isnt accurate#but the story was very very good and kept me interested the whole way#the problem with this school shooting story is that its good. it draws my attention. but its understandably very hard to read#fourteen ish minutes until my paycheck goes through and then i find out if i can pay rent this month#that's part of why im restless too. nervous about paying rent. my job hours are unpredictable and so are the paychecks#i think ill be okay but as always im terrified that it wont#anyway im in a bit of a reading rut. if you hsve any book recs (not a big fan of fantasy. generally like realistic fiction. ya. lgbt)#that type of stuff. like jumper. the Miseducation of Cameron Post. message not found. stuff like that#open to recommendations#love yall. i hope you all have more thsn enough money to pay rent
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2 months of improvement dude. That’s fucking insane I’m so proud
#you can tell I got better at like. understanding how to use my own features to draw Spamton’s onto my face#simultaneously utilizing my own face and also making it an entirely different one#facepaint has frustrated me for so long it’s such a difficult art but I’m finally finding footing#Walt talks#Walt cosplays#part of what’s infuriating about facepaint too is that each individual character you have to practice with#and spamton was an INFURIATINGLY difficult makeup project#so the fact that I’m tackling it relentlessly#going to conventions even when I’m not 100% happy and learning something everytime I try again is a huge step for me#giving up is easy#stickin w it isn’t#but the improvement is showing and that’s so tasty#also something you can’t tell from photos but I know personally: the paint is also less flaky and more durable now#my first attempt only lasted 2 hours before it started just crumbling off my face#now it’s hard to get off even after 16 hours
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//Hello! It's been quiet here, even a little more so than usual.
Things have been fine, everything important has stayed okay. I've just been having trouble dealing with the start of the semester. The classes are long, the assignments are plentiful, and I've been having a very hard time staying focused for them. It's just been a slog, I'm anxious and because I'm having trouble focusing these things end up taking up a lot of my day.
I don't know when I'll start popping up more around here, or how much writing you can expect from me in the near future. I can at least say that I do want to be here, and I'm trying. I just don't really know when things will get better for my brain, or if I'll still try to power through and write before then or if activity will have to wait until the root issue improves significantly.
I'll be around to plot. That's my way of keeping things alive even when the ability to write isn't there, so please if you're interested in some idea and we haven't been talking about it, feel free to approach me. I may be a little slower with chats, but I will respond.
Best of luck with whatever you're dealing with, take care.
#ooc#hey there. I meant to write this a few days ago but it's been difficult to just sit down and talk about this#I'm going through a lot of highs and lows and overall I'm just exhausted#feeling like this after one month of class which tbh I'm not very proud of. But it'll pass#I should say it's getting better in some aspects. Found a good source of exercise that I enjoy#which is essential for me to find a better headspace. But it's also another thing that consumes time#and I'm really tired of everything taking so much extra time and effort from me#so long as this lasts I can't find time to do what I like and it becomes a self-feeding cycle of feeling like shit#but on a more positive note: I'm still aware that this feels to me much worse than it really is. I just need to be patient#and trust the process
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