#the hardest part for me wasn’t even surviving abuse it is learning how to feel safe afterwards | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

witchbitchheadedtoaditch · 4 years ago

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Shadow Work Prompts Part 2

Hello my loves! I'm going to add some more shadow work prompts (primarily because... Kaye needs to do shadow work and maybe this will convince them to do it. (It won't. We all know it won't. But we can hope....))

I'm gonna put these below the cut just so people don't have to scroll through this long as fuck list on their dash if they don't want to see them lol

Some of these are really, really heavy, and do touch on things like sexual assault, abuse, death, etc., so this is the trigger warning for you.

A lot of these are also focused on women and AFAB folks because I'm trying to reconcile with my femininity and whatnot.

Anne Carson Quotes

You remember too much, my mother said to me recently. Why hold onto all that? And I said, Where can I put it down?

Why does tragedy exist? Because you are full of rage. Why are you full of rage? Because you are full of grief.

Words bounce. Words, if you let them, will do what they want to do and what they have to do.

Eros is an issue of boundaries. He exists because certain boundaries do. ... Eros: the boundary of flesh and self between you and me.

Desire is no light thing.

It is easier to tell a story of how people wound one another than of what binds them together.

Reality is a sound, you have to tune in to it not just keep yelling.

All mortals owe a debt to death.

...sex is a substitute, like money or language.

...your story begins the moment Eros enters you. That incursion is the biggest risk of your life. How you handle it is an index of the quality, wisdom, and decorum of the things inside you.

Myths are stories about people who become too big for their lives temporarily, so that they crash into other lives or brush against gods. In crisis their souls are visible.

Philosophers say man forms himself in dialogue.

There is no person without a world.

If there is anything dearer than being alive, it's dark to me.

We humans seem disastrously in love with this thing... life.

The underworld's a blank and all the rest just fantasy.

Caught between the tongue and the taste.

What is mortality after all but divine doubt flashing over us? For an instant God suspends assent and poof! we disappear.

Girls are cruelest to themselves.

What really connects words and things?

Blessed be they whose lives do not taste of evil

Perhaps the hardest thing about losing a lover is to watch the year repeat its days.

Consider incompleteness as a verb.

You can get used to anything, my mother was in the habit of saying.

I am talking about evil. It blooms. It eats. It grins.

I don't want to be a person. I want to be unbearable.

Beauty makes me hopeless.

The dead... are victims of love, many of them.

To live past the end of your myth is a perilous thing.

You read a hundred military manuals you won't find the word kill they trick you into killing.

I went mad, a god hurt me, I fell.

Those nights lying alone are not discontinuous with this cold hectic dawn. It is who I am.

Love does not make me gentle or kind.

Your grief is as great as your splendor was: some god is weighing the one out equal to the other.

You can never know enough, never work enough, ... never leave the mind quickly enough.

Language is what eases the pain of living with other people, language is what makes the wounds come open again.

Where does unbelief begin?

Everything that is me is with me.

A wound gives off its own light...

I began to think I was someone thirsting for God.

You are a person in love with the impossible.

When we are denied a story, a light goes off.

Some conversations are not what they're about.

I lack myself.

Who knows what will happen if I'm alone with my grief.

I... forbid that you should ever lose your screams.

You are not a god. You are not that enlarged self. Indeed, you are not even a whole self, as you now see. Your new knowledge of possibilities is also a knowledge of what is lacking in the actual.

There is a loneliness that fills the plain.

The women of mythology regularly lose their form in monstrosity.

We live by waters breaking out of the heart.

Time as hunger. Time passing and gazing. Time as perseverance. Mountain time. Time as paper folded to look like a mountain. Time compared to the wild fantastic silence of stars.

What are we made of but hunger and rage?

When I look at you, even for a moment, no speaking is left in me.

Kelly Cherry Quotes

I didn't find my story; it found me.

There is blood everywhere and I am lost in it. I breathe blood, not air.

The story of [their] great-grandfather [or any ancestor]... was [their] own story, too.

Ashe Vernon Quotes

Don't you dare, for one minute, believe that my kindness makes me anything but insurmountable.

Understand that I am not your next victim in a laundry list of broken girls.

I will eat you alive before I let you make a meal of me.

What they don't tell you about standing up for what you believe in is that your feet will bruise and your legs will ache.

I'd like to take a moment to submit a formal apology to my soft parts because they kept me warm when I was trying to freeze to death, and I hated them for it.

I let myself be afraid.

When you learn you are only as good as your beauty routine, you forget how to define yourself by anything else.

I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won't know how to not regret it.

I know how to put my body inside someone else's but not how to make it beautiful.

I love better at a distance.

I am as much lion as I am lion tamer.

I got good at inflicting pain the same way I got good at soothing it.

Quit picking old wounds and going tor walks in the aches and pains you already made it through--you call it healing, but it sounds like a good way to take a haunting home with you.

I am a cathedral of almost-lovers

Louise Gluck Quotes

We look at the world once, in childhood. The rest is memory.

I thought that pain meant I was not loved. It meant I loved.

The soul is silent. If it speaks at all it speaks in dreams.

Intense love always leads to mourning.

You will never let go, you will never be satiated.

It will feed you, it will ravish you, it will not keep you alive.

Why love what you will lose? There is nothing else to love.

I speak because I am shattered.

I don't need your praise to survive.

Whatever returns from oblivion returns to find a voice.

Nakedness in women is always a pose. I was not transfigured. I would never be free.

The unsaid, for me, exerts great power.

I am tired of human... I want to live on the sun

Death cannot harm me more than you have harmed me, my beloved life.

There are places like this... you enter as a young girl... you never return.

Writing is a kind of revenge against circumstance, too: bad luck, loss, pain. If you make something out of it, then you've no longer been bested by these events.

The riddle was: why couldn't we live in the mind. The answer was: the barrier of the earth intervened.

It is true that there is not enough beauty in the world. It is also true that I am not competent to restore it. Neither is there candor, and here I may be of some use.

You're not a creature in body. You exist as the stars exist, participating in their stillness, their immensity.

And then, suddenly, something is over.

You must be taught to love me. Human beings must be taught to love silence and darkness.

Sappho Quotes

Someone will remember us/I say/even in another time.

Their heart grew cold. They let their wings down.

What cannot be said will be wept.

What is beautiful is good, and who is good will soon be beautiful

Once again love drives me on, that loosener of limbs, bittersweet creature against which nothing can be done.

Love shook my heart like the wind on the mountain rushing over the oak trees

Love is a cunning weaver of fantasies and fables.

I know not what to do, my mind is divided.

The female creature is a letter.

No holy place existed without us then

She who loves roses must be patient and not cry when she is pierced by thorns.

Because I prayed this word: I want.

If you had a desire for good or beautiful things and your tongue were not concocting some evil to say, shame would not hold down your eyes but rather you would speak about what is just.

Wealth without virtue is no harmless neighbor.

I am weary of all your words and soft, strange ways.

Paisley Rekdal Quotes

Does it offend you to watch me working in it, touching my hands to the greening tips or tearing the yellow stalks back, so wild the living and dead both snap off in my hands?

I can wait longer than sadness.

It is such a small thing to be proud of.

Should I, too, not be loved?

We are even now still so young

I loved him. I loved forgiving him.

Yasmin Belkhyr Quotes

Contrary to wound, I still know nothing of defeat.

Contrary to ache, I still know nothing of guilt.

I help: a good daughter.

Someone always ends up holding something mangled.

It wasn't enough to feel... he had to see, to know.

Adrienne Rich Quotes

There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors.

Lying is done with words, and also with silence

Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work.

When a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility for more truth around her.

My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed

If you are trying to transform a brutalized society into one where people can live in dignity and hope, you begin with the empowering of the most powerless. You build from the ground up.

Until we know the assumptions in which we are drenched, we cannot know ourselves.

The truth of our bodies and our minds has been mystified to us.

It will take all your heart, it will take all your breath. It will be short, it will not be simple.

You look at me like an emergency.

The unconscious wants truth. It ceases to speak to those who want something else more than truth.

In a world where language and naming are power, silence is oppression, is violence.

There is no 'the truth', 'a truth'--truth is not one thing, or even a system. It is an increasing complexity. The pattern of the carpet is a surface. When we look closely, or when we become weavers, we learn of the tiny multiple threads unseen in the overall pattern, the knots on the underside of the carpet.

The moment of change is the only poem

There is nothing revolutionary whatsoever about the control of women's bodies by men. The woman's body is the terrain on which the patriarchy is erected.

The scars bear witness but whether to repair or to destruction I no longer know.

Not biology, but ignorance of ourselves, has been the key to our powerlessness

What kind of beast would turn its life into words?

Truthfulness, honor, is not something which springs ablaze of itself; it has been created between people.

You touched me in places so deep I wanted to ignore you

Silence can be a plan rigorously executed, the blueprint to a life, it is a presence, it has a history, a form. Do not confuse it with any kind of absence.

Most women have not even been able to touch this anger, except to drive it inward like a rusted nail.

We have lived with violence for so long.

This is my body, take it and destroy it

We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings. And the fear of our deepest cravings keeps them suspect, keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, and leads us to settle for... many facets of our own oppression.

Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.

A language is a map of our failures.

The more I live the more I think two people together is a miracle.

Poetry is, among other things, a criticism of language.

How do you make it, all the way from here to morning?

An honorable human relationship--that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word "love"--is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.

You grieve in loneliness, and if I understand you fuck in loneliness.

We write from the marrow of our bones.

The liar has many friends, and leads an existence of great loneliness

We must use what we have to invent what we desire.

William Styron Quotes

We're all in this game together.

In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come-not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute.

It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul

We each devise our means of escape from the intolerable.

Reading--the best state yet to keep absolute loneliness at bay.

Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy.

Let your love flow out on all living things.

Loss in all of its manifestations is the touchstone of depression--in the progress of the disease and, most likely, in its origin.

Kai Cheng Thom Quotes

I wanted to protect you, but I'm starting to think that the best thing you can do for people is teach them how to protect themselves. Every girl needs to be at least a little dangerous.

A sanctuary is a place where the door only locks from the inside.

Sometimes to be somebody else, you have to be nobody first.

You will be able to stop hurting people when you stop hurting yourself.

When you're a child trapped in a situation of physical or psychological depravation, you learn shame as an efficient, elegant mechanism of survival: shame simultaneously shields you from the reality that danger is out of your control (since the problem is not that you're unloved and deprived; it's that you're Bad) and prevents you from doing or saying anything challenging that might provoke a threat.

It's good for you to cry sometimes. Even if there isn't a reason.

When you live in a community of queers, anarchists, & activists, crisis is the baseline and stability an outlier.

You are mine like nothing has ever been before.

Safety is, I believe, an inherently classed, raced, and gendered experience that frequently runs the risk of being used for regressive ends--ironically, for restricting the freedoms of the vulnerable, those who are never really safe. Often, we see the call for safety actually reinforce the power of oppressive institutions, like the police and the prison system, in our lives. When we choose safety over liberation, our movements fail.

When they looked at me and my sister, even their love was hungry.

Some people will cling on to anything that makes them feel even a little bit free.

Forget, if you can, all the promises you've ever made and the lies that you've told.

Once you start hurting people, you can't stop

I feel tired. I don't want to be myself anymore.

Sometimes it's important to be alive.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do but surrender.

You are always disappearing in the hope of being seen. You are always shrinking to fit into someone else's arms. You are collapsing ever inward, a galaxy to become smaller.

Gregory Orr Quotes

If we're not supposed to dance, why all this music?

Even hell is holy.

I was born with a knife in one hand and a wound in the other.

Maybe she loved me, maybe not--who knows? Not even the gods can see into a human heart--it's that dark.

Writing often reveals us to ourselves, lets us name what's important to us and what has been silent or silenced inside us.

And to live only once--what if that's not enough?

Maybe it was always simple: loss surrounds us. Who would deny it? We ourselves are loss, are lost.

I want to study the book of the world: every vanishing page.

The dead sing us songs I'm learning to answer.

#shadow work #shadowwork #prompts #shadow work prompts #witchblr

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digdag88 · 4 years ago

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When you’ve spent a lifetime among dysfunctional people, operating out of self-protection, competition, and a compulsion to please without expecting reciprocation, everyone seems untrustworthy and disappointing. This is an illusion created by years of you treating your value as conditional (you must be charming and successful to have value) and keeping everyone at arm’s length out of fear. It’s as if you’ve spent the first three decades of your life building a castle out of bulletproof glass. You’re protected but you’re looking at everything through a warped window. Your vision is warped. Your reflection is warped. The way other people see you is warped. Reality is impossible to understand or let in. In fact, reality feels like a looming threat that you’ll never see clearly, like a monster in a suspenseful horror movie. Your own emotions are a kind of creeping monster, too. They threaten to ruin all of your already fragile relationships, and they compromise whatever limited attention you’re getting from the distracted friends and lovers you seek. When you finally mention your history of abuse to someone, it serves as a desperate means of regaining some shred of moral high ground after you already sense the other person is halfway out the door, but it makes you feel even more like the monster in the horror movie. You’re fearful and fragile, yet your sudden confession makes you seem unsteady and out of control, an echo of some dark reality that no one wants to acknowledge or consider, least of all those who aren’t that invested in the first place. So this is where I would start: Ground yourself in reality. Walk around your castle of bulletproof glass and examine how warped it is. Watch how you move away from people who actually care, or lump together bad friends and good friends in an effort to keep yourself safe. Witness how you ingest your own shame, every day, telling yourself a story that you’re not good enough because someone took something from you. But this isn’t solely an intellectual exercise — that’s just where it starts. Notice how hard you try to keep people around. It might look desperate to you now, but that kind of concern for connection lives inside of you and it’s beautiful. Notice how hard you had to scramble, to make yourself seem whole when you didn’t feel whole. Those efforts might look weak to you now, but you picked up a lot of skills and a little magic in those efforts. Notice how fast you had to run away from anyone who might recognize that you were broken. Then consider what it means to be broken. What if you could proclaim yourself sick and hurt and sad and broken and malfunctioning, every single day, and still believe that you deserved love? What if you could sit in the rubble of your shattered castle, and still feel compassion for yourself? Because compassion for the self is the same thing as passion: That’s where inspiration and beauty are waiting for you. It’s also where your passion for your life begins, where a real, sustainable passion for other people can begin. It’s a leap of faith into a new world where you can look at reality with clear eyes and not feel afraid. The monster from the horror movie is wheeled out onto the set in the light of day, and it’s just a mess of blinking red eyes and shiny scales and rubber claws. There’s nothing to fear. Once you ground yourself in reality, and dare to give some love to your true, broken self (that part is very difficult at first!), then you can finally approach the world as you are. You don’t need to be entertaining or sexy or clever or useful to be lovable. You don’t have to prove your value in order to be valuable. You can simply be what you are. Being what you are looks like this: You enter every room as a calm, neutral observer. You are average. You don’t have an agenda. Your only job is to listen and observe and offer your support. Your only job is to watch and learn and allow room for yourself, even when you don’t say a word, even when you don’t look that good, even when you seem useless. There you are, giving yourself the right to be without running or hiding or dancing. That is grace. It matters. Being still and silent and broken is its own kind of religion. Doing this — existing around other people without proving yourself — works well because it feels good. It feels good when you’re not trying hard to win people over. It feels good to stand without adornment and know that you are enough. But it also works because good people respond to it. Trustworthy people will accept and embrace your listening and support and your silence. Untrustworthy people will think you’re a fucking weirdo, or believe that you’re not worthy enough because you’re not dancing or running or staying half-hidden and building suspense. In contrast, it is exceptionally difficult to feel connected or close to other people when you’re sure that your value is conditional. You can spend decades in this state, and the more energy you put into keeping other people happy, the more convinced you become that no one is dependable and no one loves you for you. That doesn’t mean that you haven’t withstood abuse or tolerated selfish friends. But refusing to give yourself the right to simply exist is a way of preventing other people from simply existing. Everything is bartered or traded. No relationship is what it is: lopsided and weird and flawed and sweet. Every effort must be reciprocated with equal and opposite force (even if your emotional accounting is never shared with anyone) or you’re being ripped off or taken for granted. No one is allowed to be broken. You have to be better than you really are, and so does everyone else. Once you develop an independent faith in your own value (this takes constant, repeated reminders to be compassionate and patient with yourself for the first time ever), then you can start to treat other people as valuable even when their value isn’t immediately apparent. You can enter the room as a broken person, sit with your brokenness without hiding it, and let it exist out in the open. You don’t have to share your own secrets straight out of the gate. You can ask people about the things that broke them, because you understand that being broken is interesting and includes a good story, or maybe 100 good stories. You listen to their stories not because you expect that then they’ll listen to yours, but because you’re making it your goal to take in reality, to connect, to get closer to the real world and the real people who live in it. This is the hardest thing for someone like you or me to do: to crave the real world. We had to create imaginary worlds to survive, and it’s hard for us to resist the temptation to live there now. We are fundamentally self-involved because that was the only way to survive neglect. I wouldn’t characterize my childhood as abusive, but self-involvement is also a way to survive abuse. It’s not an inherently negative thing to be self-involved, as long as you have enough compassion for yourself that you can channel your secret worlds into some activity or point of focus that feels rich and sustainable and renews your faith in yourself and others. I started working from home around your age, for some of the same reasons you are. I had a few friendships fall apart, my co-workers drove me nuts, and I was disappointed and distrustful. I knew a lot of narcissists, and I was a narcissist myself probably. I gave too much but I didn’t really show up a lot of the time. I didn’t believe that I deserved love unless I was useful or entertaining or special, and I didn’t really know how to give myself what I needed. It’s easy to become isolated under those conditions, so you should work hard to schedule breaks and force yourself to get out of your place often. Exercising somewhere else, joining a running club or other group that meets regularly, setting up weekly plans with certain friends can all help to keep you from feeling alienated and bugging out alone. But working from home did really help me to slow down and figure out a lot about myself. I also got a therapist who helped me to understand that connecting with strangers was possible. I felt better, but I still had a lot to learn. It took years after that to welcome reality, to believe in my worth without feeling ashamed of that belief, as if it were hopelessly self-indulgent. It took years to learn how to listen; I said I cared about listening long before I felt the sensation of real, honest connection with a good friend and knew that it wasn’t just a weird twist of fate that we landed there. It took years to show up and make some room for the real world, in all of its glorious disappointments. The more compassion you have for yourself, the easier the next year will be. You’re doing something that’s incredibly difficult. Every single day, every single minute, you need to push away the feeling that you’re uniquely screwed and you’re running out of time. Because you’re surrounded by people who feel many of the things you feel, and you’re still very young, and you have plenty of time. We all have plenty of time, though. A day can feel like a divine eternity when you spend it letting the world in with an open heart. You let the world in, and it hurts, and you sit with your hurt. You let reality in, and you feel shame, and you sit with that shame. You invite in the things that make you hate yourself, and you let them exist without judgment: This was how I learned to run very fast. This was how I learned to dance and sing. This was how I built a castle all by myself. This was the warped view from my castle. Everyone looked so small from my castle tower. The days flew by, and even when I wasn’t alone, I felt so alone. I thought I would die if I ever came down from my tower, but once I did, everyone looked big and scared and sad, just like me. And time stood still. This world has been waiting for you to catch up. This world has been waiting to show you its treasures. Your monster finally gets to stand in one place, feeling the sunshine, knowing that it’s okay to be broken. This divine moment is yours.

https://www.thecut.com/2018/08/how-do-i-start-over-now-that-i-know-how-damaged-i-am.html

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jaceyneedsabetterusername · 5 years ago

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Firsts and Lasts

Pairings: Finn Shelby x Reader

Warnings: Prostitution (but no actual smut), talk of abuse

Summary: You grew up with Finn Shelby but after moving and losing contact with him, you find yourself in a desperate position to survive.

A/N: I looked it up and Finn’s 21 and I’m trying to make the reader over 18 as well so please don’t come for me about underage stuff. I did say that she started working at 17 but that’s just cause realistically I can see that happening in this situation but there’s no actual depictions of underage stuff.

A/N 2: It felt weird to write Linda as being excited about prostitution but this is set in season 4 episode... 3? (I think). Anyways, Linda is like canonically excited about it so yeah. Hope it's not too OOC the way I wrote it. I tried making her too exciting and bubbly about it cause I'd imagine she doesn't know how to act? Whatever, I'll shut up now 😂

___________________________________

This room, your clothes, everything about this life you lived, you hated. This room that you sat in, decorated with lavish, indulgent red and purple fabrics, reminded you of the disgusting, lustful men that consumed your time and body. The dress you wore was cut provocatively short and the sleeve was torn from that disgusting drunk last night. Your eyeliner had run down your cheeks from the tears of the early morning.

In all honesty, you weren’t sure why you even cried anymore. It had been like this since you were seventeen and Paul, the man who ran the brothel you worked in, had found you desperate for money and taken advantage of it, manipulating you into prostitution. His abuse quickly became apparent but you knew you didn’t have the means to make it on your own yet so you’d agonizingly decided to stick with it until you had enough money to get as far away from the streets as possible.

“You’ve got yourself a job, Y/N.” Paul announced when he walked into the room you were sitting in. Your eyes shot up, the nerves that always started bubbling in your stomach when you were called on beginning to act up.

“Who is it?” You asked, standing as Paul walked towards you. The man may have looked respectable enough but it wasn’t hard to see past that slick exterior to the perverted, greedy man beneath. He was a pimp after all and as much as he would like to believe people saw him as a legitimate business man, everyone in town saw him as nothing more.

He began to fidget with your hair that hung in loose messy curls around your face, most of them having fallen since curling them last night. Last night was Friday. That was the brothel’s busiest day of the week. “Don’t know exactly but it was a Shelby boy who called. Don’t know which. But he asked for the best of the best and that’s you today, love.”

What a compliment. The best of the best today. Not that being the best of the best when you’re a prostitute was really a compliment anyways. As he ran a hand down your face, you tried your hardest not to flinch away from his touch, feeling nothing but his filth on your skin. When he’d first picked you up and hired you, you’d fallen for this trap before. This false gentle exterior. But you flinched when he’d gotten a little too close for comfort and before you knew it, his open palm blew across your face. You learned quickly.

Suddenly, his hand moved from your face to twist your hair around his fist and yanked your head back. You gritted your teeth through the pain and tried to maintain eye contact with him as he spat, “Now, girl, these is the Shelby boys. You treat ‘em good. You treat ‘em right. You don’t say no to anything. If I hear anything went wrong, you’ll be gettin’ the drunks tonight, ya hear?”

Trying your best not to step out of place, you nodded silently, even though all you wanted was shoot daggers through the man. You knew better than to step out of place, at least in this position.

“What was that?” He questioned, pulling harder on your hair.

“Yes sir.” You managed through grit teeth.

Finally, Paul’s grip on your hair loosened and he threw a piece of paper at you. You caught it clumsily and unravelled it, seeing an address written there. “Be there at noon, go through the back. And for the love of God, make yourself look presentable.” Paul sneered at you in disgust before walking out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Shit, the Shelby’s. This would be humiliating. You’d lived a few houses down from them for years and had even played with Finn growing up, him being the same age as you. The older brothers shipped out about the same time as your father. Over that time, your mother wasn’t able to afford the house anymore so you had to move and hadn’t seen any of the Shelby’s since. Maybe, if you were lucky, they wouldn’t remember you.

You glanced at the ornate clock that hung on the wall, the one that Paul bought to try to impress clients. It was 11:20 already and you knew that the address you had to go to, Shelby Company Ltd., was a twenty minute walk. That gave you twenty minutes to try to look presentable.

Making your way to the back room that was full of beds that all the other girls who worked in the brothel slept in, you sat on the sad excuse you called a bed and pulled a mirror from the small trunk under it. Your H/C hair stuck up in an unruly ghost of what was yesterday’s curls. Your makeup was smudged and barely there where it needed to be. Your lipstick had rubbed off to be just a faint tint on your lips, which maybe was better than it being fresh. It made less of a mess this way. You’d noticed you were still in the same clothes as last night, having worked into the early hours. The shoulder was ripped too. Things definitely needed to be changed.

Quickly, you fixed up your makeup and hair and changed into a different dress, no less provocative but much more intact. By 11:40, you were on your way to Shelby Company Ltd. and at noon sharp, you were knocking on the back door.

While you waited for the door to be answered, you silently wondered which of the Shelby boys had called for some company, for lack of a better word. You had a feeling it wasn’t Tommy. He didn’t frequent the whore-houses much anymore. Arthur and John were married but, honestly, you wouldn’t put it past either of them to seek out companionship elsewhere. Your heart raced with anxiety, not looking forward to having any form of sexual relation with any of the Shelby boys that you’d grown up with, especially since they were so much older. God, you prayed they wouldn’t remember you.

Suddenly, the door swung open to reveal a blonde woman you didn’t recognize, a big giddy smile on her face, “You’re here! Oh my gosh!” She squealed excitedly.

A woman? This would definitely be the first woman that had ever requested your services but money was money. But as she reached down, pulling you excitedly into the building, you noticed the gold cross hanging from her neck and immediately doubted your initial assumption but you could be wrong.

“Oh! Um, hello Miss…. Shelby?” You guessed.

She shrugged, “Please, call me Linda. Now you’re sort of a surprise for our boy Finn, here. He’s a virgin so be nice though.” She whispered the last part with a smile, leading you through the mostly empty building.

Oh my God, you thought. It was Finn. You were supposed to do things with Finn, the boy you played with as children. Please, you prayed, don’t let him recognize me.

“She’s here!” Linda squealed into a room, pulling you along before you could even see who she was speaking to.

“Oh shut up, Linda, before the poor boy hears you!” Another woman responded, her voice sounding vaguely familiar.

You found yourself led to an open office where a man stood with his back to you. Linda knocked on the door and then ran off, leaving you standing there nervous and confused. The man turned around and immediately, you knew it wasn’t Tommy, John, or Arthur. This had to be Finn but he wasn’t the little boy you grew up down the street from.

This Finn was tall now and his hair was cut in the trademark Peaky Blinder style, shaved close on the sides and longer on top. His skin was only slightly more freckled than you remembered from all those years ago. And even through this strange stoic attitude he now had, something you’d imagined was also learned through years of being raised by his brothers, you still saw an insecure boy in his eyes.

“Mr. Shelby?” You began, cautiously but still trying to sound seductive. This was always how you began house calls like this, with a ‘Mr.’ in front. Some men got angry when addressed by their first names by a “low-life whore” as you’d learned the hard way.

The man looked at you curiously, studying you in a way that most men didn’t. He wasn’t imagining you naked or trying to figure out the fastest way to get down to business. Judging by the way his brows furrowed slightly, he almost looked like he was trying to figure out who you were. “Yeah. Who are you? Did you have an appointment with Thomas?” He asked, hands in his pockets. He looked so official like this.

Show time. You walked towards his desk, running your fingers gingerly along the chair as you made your way to him, “No… no… I actually would like to meet with you.” Your voice was sweet but thick, sexy eyes in full effect.

Finn watched in a daze, his eyes following every sway of your hips, as you made your way around the desk and closer towards him. “What’re you doing?” He asked with no real momentum behind the question, totally trapped in your trance.

You came up behind him, running your hands along his shoulders and down his biceps, “I’m just admiring the handsome powerful man in front of me.” You purred into his ear. His body shuddered slightly under your touch. As long as you could keep him under this spell, you were sure you could get in and out of here quickly and smoothly.

Finn stiffened just slightly, “Wait, did Tommy send you? Are you a prostitute?” He looked over his shoulder at you and you could see the trance beginning to break. You could tell he was uncomfortable by this idea.

“Oh, Mr. Shelby, don’t you worry. I’m just here to make you feel good. We won’t do anything you don’t want.” You snaked around to the front of his body, your breasts rubbing against his chest as you leaned up on your toes to whisper in his ear, “But we can do whatever you do want.” You leaned back biting your lip to find him with his eyes closed, leaning in to your every word.

Slowly, you slid your hands down his chest and towards his pants, not going to undo them just yet but beginning to rub your hand skilledly over his growing bulge. His breathing hitched at the contact and you decided to start biting gently on his neck. A small breathy moan fell from his lips.

Deciding he was ready, you pulled back and bit your lip, looking up at him through your lashes, “Any preference on how we do this?” You asked, keeping your smile and overall demeanor a little sweeter than you usually would. He was a virgin, after all. Be nice, Linda had said. Your fingers danced on his chest, choosing to tease him slightly.

But before he answered your question, he looked into your eyes and a look of sudden realization washed over his face. He grabbed your wrist and pulled it away from his chest. At first, you panicked, thinking you were about to get hit. It wouldn’t be the first time. Instead, though, he looked almost hurt, “Y/N L/N?” He asked, his entire demeanor shifting. “Is that you?”

Your eyes widened and you were sure you looked like a deer caught in headlights. “No?” You tried your hardest to lie but the panic rising in your throat made the word come out more as a question.

Finn let your wrist go when he saw your eyes flicker over to where his hand gripped your arm. “What’re you doing?” He asked, unable to comprehend that his childhood best friend could possibly be in this line of work.

You didn’t know how to respond to the question. “I have to.” Your voice cracked when you spoke. Gosh, you hated how weak you sounded but there had been few times in your life when you’d felt this humiliated. You swore up and down since you started this at seventeen that you were only doing what was necessary to survive but you’d never had to face someone you actually knew while doing it.

“No, no you don’t. Not if you don’t want to.” Finn insisted, looking down at you with worry filled eyes.

You gave a sad laugh, looking away, “I do, though, Finn. But look, I’m not here looking for sympathy. I think those women out there called me to give you a good first lay. We can do this still if you want.” You straightened up, putting back on a sterner voice that you were sure wasn’t going to betray you.

Finn shook his head, “I don’t want this. Not like this.”

You nodded with pursed lips, secretly grateful that he didn’t want to continue. You weren’t sure if you could with him. “Alright then, I’ll be leaving. But, um, if you don’t mind… I know it’s lying but would you mind pretending like we did something. Anything, I don’t care what you say. I just need my employer to think that you were… satisfied.”

Finn looked at you with sad confusion, “Wait!” He reached for you, when you went to leave, stopping you, “Wait, no, just, just wait a second.” You allowed him to pull you back into the room and push you gently to sit on the desk. His hands rested on your shoulders, his big brown eyes looking sincerely into yours. “What happened?”

He knew the question was open but he wanted to know it all. You and he were best friends as children who did everything together. You were close with the Shelby family and were pretty much on track to join the company when you got older. But then you just disappeared one day without an explanation.

You sighed, all the memories from the past that you tried to suppress coming back with a force, “Well, y’know that my dad got drafted about a year before your brothers. My mum couldn’t afford to keep the house after two years so we had to move. I didn’t know why we were moving back then and I didn’t even know we were leaving until the night before we did so I couldn't tell you. But we did. We moved to the far eastside of Birmingham.”

Your voice began to crack, the part you tried your hardest to keep buried coming to light, “We got a letter saying that my dad was killed in the trenches right after we moved. Then my mum died of the Spanish Flu right after. I think I was about eleven. The police forced me into an orphanage but the older kids never got adopted so they ushered me out when I turned seventeen. I didn’t really have anywhere to go, no money, no home. I didn’t know anybody. And then this man Paul came up and told me he could help.”

You didn’t need to elaborate any further for Finn to understand. “I’m sorry.” He said, unable to think of what else to say, “If we would’ve known, I’m sure we would’ve helped.”

You shook your head, standing again, “Thank you but I don’t need your sympathy or pity. I didn’t come here for that. I’m fine.”

“Are you though? Cause it doesn’t look like it! You’ve been doing this for, what? Two, three years? Are you happy?” He asked.

You scoffed, whatever pride you had left threatened by him. “I’m fine.” You repeated.

Finn groaned, “That’s not what I asked. Are you happy? Do you like your life?”

“No! Is that what you wanted? No! Of course, I’m not happy being treated like a fucking sex slave and forced to the will of whatever man makes a deal with Paul! But if this is what I have to do to survive, then I’ll fucking do it!” You were pointing harshly at him, using anger to mask every other unpleasant emotion.

“What if you didn’t have to do it anymore?” Finn suggested quietly, looking seriously at you.

You rolled your eyes, “I don’t need your money, Finn.”

“I don’t mean that. I mean a job. What if I could get you a real job here at Shelby Company Limited?” You scanned his face for any hint of a cruel joke but he looked at you with nothing but concerned sincerity.

Could this be it? That opportunity that got you out of the sheets of violent drunks and into a real job? But just as that glimmer of hope began to shine, it faded away with the thoughts of reality, “I can’t. Paul… he’s beat girls for trying to leave before.”

“He won’t touch you. You’ll be running with the Blinders. If he tries anything, we’ll fucking kill him.” Finn was serious, his eyebrows raised.

He was right, you realized. If Paul found out that you were working with the Peaky Blinders, he’d never touch you. You could finally be safe from him. You looked up at Finn with tearfully grateful eyes and hugged him tightly, “Thank you, Finn.”

Finn was taken off guard by your sudden affection, especially since you were yelling at him just moments prior, but relaxed and hugged you back, holding your body against his. Honestly, he knew he had no actual right to hire you or send out a hit on Paul without Tommy’s permission but that was beside the point right now. He’d find a way to keep you safe.

#finn shelby #finn shelby imagine #finn shelby x reader #finn shelby fanfic #Peaky Blinders #peaky blinders fanfiction #peaky blinders smut #peaky blinder imagine #peaky blinder headcanon

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j0elmill3r · 4 years ago

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Choose Life; Part Two

Bucky Barnes x Daughter!Reader

Bucky Barnes Masterlist

[Part one]

Warnings; A shit ton of angst, swearing, shooting, angst, injuries, yelling, angst, no happy ending, replacement, abandonment, did I say angst? Bucky being a bit of a dick and a shitty dad, abuse? Child neglect?

A/N; There’s like a full blown reference to ‘Trainspotting’ in this, 10 points to anyone who finds it.

Word count; 2.7k

You had barely survived. If they had found you minutes later, you would be dead. The serum in your blood had kept you going for a few more hours than it would any other person, lucky you. For the first week, you were confined to your bed with all of the IV drips and other injections you were given. Bucky had visited you, trying to make conversation, which you had no intent whatsoever on joining in on. He said it himself, he wished they had left you in HYDRA, so that meant that he never wanted you. Your plan was that as soon as you could, you would get out of the compound and disappear from the grid all over again. But your plan was ruined when Bucky said they had installed brand new cameras so they could always keep an eye on you if no one was there when they were gone on missions. That pissed you off, you didn't need or want this. You didn't want or need any of this.

"Alright, we need to have this talk now. Otherwise, we'll spend the rest of our lives hating each other, and I don't want that," Bucky said. You were sitting in the common room, reading, surprisingly.

"We don't need to have any talk. You said everything you wanted when you told me how you really felt," You stood up from your spot on the couch and walked away, but Bucky grabbed your wrist gently. "If you wanna keep that hand, let me go," You warned him.

"Y/N, please, just sit the fuck down," Bucky begged. You shook your head and sat down. "Thank you,"

"So, what part do you want to talk about first? The part about you sending me back or the wishing you never found me part?" You asked him. Bucky sighed as he sat down on the couch in front of you.

"Neither of those. If we're gonna fix this relationship, we have to start all the way back at what you went through," He said. You scoffed and laughed.

"There is no 'relationship' between us to fix. You had your chance at that years ago," You told him. "And anyway, I know why you're doing this,"

"Because I care about you?" You sensed the weariness in his voice and you nodded.

"For someone with a skill set as big as yours, I wouldn't be surprised if lying wasn't in there. You're not doing this because you care, you're doing this because you're guilty," Bucky knew that you were right. He was guilty, so fucking guilty. He was guilty of choosing to be an Avenger over being there for his daughter, who had to figure out a new and scary life all by herself. He was guilty of not sitting down and addressing whatever issues you had, and not helping you with them. He was guilty, and he knew it. "And guess what, there's nothing you can say or do to change what happened,"

"But we move forward," Bucky said.

"Move fucking forward!?" You yelled. You shook in anger and tried to ignore the sting of tears in your eyes. "I can't move forward! I don't know whatever hallucinogenic drugs you're on, but you sure as hell better get off of them! How can we move forward after everything? Everything that has gone wrong with me has gone wrong because of you," You pointed at him angrily. "I asked you to talk about things with me, I tried to ask for help, but you didn't fucking care!"

"I did care!" He defended himself. You scoffed and laughed.

"You cared? If you cared, you would've asked me what was going on! You would have done what any dad would've done and talked through it, you would have gotten me help! I used to look at Peter Parker and Tony and I would be so, so fucking jealous!" You cried. You didn't even care that he could see that you were crying now.

"Why? Why were you jealous of them?" Bucky asked you carelessly. When you saw how Peter and Tony interacted, it made your heart hurt. You were in no way maliciously jealous, no, not like that. It was what you wanted from your dad, your dad that didn't give a damn about you. Peter and Tony spent more time with each other in a month than your dad ever did with you in 6 months. "I tried my hardest, Y/N. But effort goes both ways, kid!"

"I wanted a dad like that!" You yelled. "I wanted a dad that told me he was proud of me. I wanted a dad that talked to me other than the times he would tell me how much of a fuck up I was," You said.

"I never called you a fuck up, Y/N. It's called discipline," He said. You huffed out tiredly, you felt so defeated.

"You might be father, but you'll never be my dad," You said sadly. "You never were my dad anyway, you took a look at me and knew I was a lost cause. You clearly wasted your time, just choose a HYDRA base and then drop me off there," You finished.

"Y/N, please. We have to have some form of hope we can fix us," Bucky had noticed your change in attitude, your anger had disappeared and you were tired, tired of fighting.

"Hope? I ran out of hope when I was tied to that chair, and I prayed to God that you would come and save me, but you didn't. And I can't believe that it took me nearly dying for you to think to step up and finally be a dad," You stood up and left the room, leaving Bucky feeling like someone had ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped all over it. He had lost you, and it was his fault.

Your second month at the Avengers compound had flown in, you were happy to be there and away from HYDRA. But, as with anyone who came from a HYDRA background, a past with HYDRA didn't come without the nightmares. They were the worst, most times you couldn't escape them, the fear would paralyze you and leave you screaming for help in your head where no one could hear you. On the off chance, you would wake up, you went to your dad, Bucky. But at some point, it felt like he didn't care anymore. The first month, he tried to get to know you, but you weren't for opening up to anyone yet, you didn't know if you could trust these people yet. By the time your second month came around and you felt ready to open up to him, he had apparently moved on from you and didn't care for you. So you were left to adjust, all by yourself. The other members of the Avengers were convinced that Bucky was helping you, so they gave you the bare minimum. You were sat in the kitchen area of the compound, a glass of water in front of you. You heard screaming from down the hall and you turned around curiously. Within the blink of an eye, Steve and your dad came into view and both walked right past you, and went around a routine as if you weren't there.

"Dad?" You said quietly. Bucky looked up at you and flinched back, obviously startled by you being there. "Are you okay?" He ignored you and went to sit on the couch. Your heart felt like it was being pulled on. Steve looked up at you and frowned, he noticed how shaken up you looked.

"You alright kid?" He asked you. You thought about telling him, but he didn't get up at 2 in the morning to hear about your problems, so you shook your head. "You should get back to sleep, it's late,"

"I'm not tired," You grumbled. Steve sighed and put his hand on your back.

"I know, Y/N. But you're supposed to stay in your room unless it's necessary, we don't need you wandering into the pool or something and drowning," You nodded and stood up, going to your room and leaving Steve and Bucky on their own. But they weren't on their own. You on the other hand, were.

You were gone. The team came back from a mission one day and found that the cameras had been disabled and you weren't anywhere to be seen. It was as if you vanished off the face of the earth, no one had a clue where you were. Bucky couldn't help the paralyzing fear that took a grip on him, as much as you wanted to deny it, he was still your dad and he had the paternal instinct that he wouldn't be seeing you for a while, and long, long while. That was 5 years ago. Bucky's hope, much like yours, had gone. He had long accepted the fact that you were probably dead, but it didn't mean he was okay with it, far from it. The team learned of what had gone down with both of you and were less than happy with Bucky, especially Natasha and Wanda, who had been the ones to try and fix you and Bucky. Bucky understood why you left, it was him that drove you away, he had no one else to blame other than himself. No one ever saw you or found any trace of you.

"You're sure about this?" Matt asked you. Matt was your boyfriend, you met him when you were taken into the police station, only this time you had to make a run for it because your dad wasn't listed anymore. He was in the station for Grand Theft Auto, and then arson. The two of you connected and then you helped each other get out of the station. You had been with him for years, and they were the best years of your life.

"Yeah. The only person in the base should be Banner, but he's usually asleep at this point." You told him as you looked at the compound from afar. "Everyone else is gone," You confirmed. Matt nodded and then took your hand.

"Are you sure that this isn't about getting back at your dad?" He asked you. Matt knew everything, he was the only person who did. He also trusted you enough that he was willing to join the new branch of HYDRA, TAG, because you knew it would keep you both safe and covered, since every police station in New York had both of your faces and a price over your heads. You sighed and shook your head.

"I'm sure, Matty. Now, if we're ready, I'd rather we got this over with," You smiled softly and let go of his hand. For some reason, F.R.I.D.A.Y didn't rat you out when you got into the compound through the window of the room that used to be yours. You had guessed it had something to do with Bucky holding on to some sliver of hope that you would come home, but this wasn't you're home anymore, hell, it never was. You noticed that your room looked different, the walls were now a pale pink, rather than the light grey they used to be, all of your posters had been taken down and replaced with certificates and medals, making an uneasy feeling sit down in your stomach.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Matt asked you. You shook your head and focused. Your job was plain and simple, take out and Avenger to send a warning, and it was always going to be easier to do it if there was only one to take out. The bullet you had was made to kill Banner, TAG had been working on it since you and Matt approached them.

"Nothing. Come on, we should go and do this,"

"And this is my daughter, Poppy," You knew that voice, and for another thing, you knew that you didn't have a sister. They weren't all supposed to be here, not right now. But you thought you had gotten over this, but you were wrong, dead wrong. You knew you were easily replaceable, but you didn't think that your dad would replace you so quickly. "She's 15, I adopted her two years ago," You and Matt had snuck out of her room and stood behind the doorway of the common room.

"Wow, you're over Y/N quickly," Natasha piqued. Poppy frowned and sighed, making you smile. Maybe you didn't have to physically hurt the Avengers, you had to emotionally traumatize one. Bucky ignored her comment and put his arm around Poppy, making your heart tug.

"Anyway. She's enrolled in high school, and I'm so proud of her! She aced her AP Physics test with flying colours," You shook your head in anger. Matt tapped your shoulder and shook his head, telling you to stay calm, which he knew you wouldn't. Natasha smiled at Poppy as she left the room, she hadn't done anything wrong, she was just a clueless little kid who had no idea how much of a bad person her adoptive father really was.

"Dad, who's Y/N? People keep saying her name and I don't know who she is," Poppy complained. You bit your lip and smirked as you moved to stand in the doorway.

"You never told me I had a little sister," Bucky's face paled as he saw you standing, a firm look on your face and your arms crossed over your chest. "I'm Y/N. Your dad's real, kid," You told her. Poppy gulped as Bucky moved in front of her. "Y/N? How-what-where the hell did you go?!" He asked. You smiled and laughed.

"I left, joined another terrorist organization since you wanted it so badly," You told him. Bucky was sure he was about to faint.

"TAG? You joined fucking TAG?!" He yelled. You nodded. "How could you?" He asked you incredulously. You scoffed and raised your eyebrows. "How could I? No, how could you?! First, you replace me and second, you don't even tell her about her big sister? Wow, I mean, it still makes you a shitty dad, but she has you good, better than I ever did," You said.

"I changed, alright. After you-"

"After I what? Nearly died? So what was I? An experiment? Because the last time I checked, I was supposed to be your daughter, not an excuse to change," You had moved forward to stand in front of him.

"I tried," He said. You chuckled as you pulled your gun out of its holster and pulled it up to his forehead, not even making him flinch. Matty had moved from the doorway and was standing a few feet behind you. Poppy was sobbing as she watched the confrontation go down.

"Well clearly, you didn't try hard enough," You said lowly.

"If you're gonna hold a gun, Y/N, at least shoot someone," You smiled at his words and then pouted, nodding.

"Okay, I will," You assured him. You smiled as you moved the barrel of the gun from his head and behind him, you pulled the trigger and shot a bullet into Poppy's heart. Bucky slid to his knees as she fell to the floor in a heap, she was dead before she hit the floor. You smiled manically, and Bucky knew that any trace of the young girl you used to be was completely gone, and replaced by the woman who stood in front of him. A woman who had been completely ruined as a child, a woman who was traumatized. "I would say I'm sorry, but I'm really not," You said. You walked over to Matt, who put his lips on yours and put his arms around your waist. Bucky saw that you had dropped the gun you shot Poppy with, in his blind rage, he grabbed it and went to shoot you. You smiled and walked over to him, you looked down. "You gonna shoot me, daddy?" You asked him.

"Y/N," You kicked him in the chest and smiled as he fell back with a grunt. You put your foot on his chest, keeping him pinned to the floor.

"You know the saying, 'Choose Life'. Well you know what, fuck life. Why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life, the reasons? There are no reasons, who needs reasons when you've got a dad that hates you and the ability to cause so much trauma, not even the best psychiatrist could save you?" You said. Bucky looked up at you, fear in his eyes, you took pride in that fear. "Well, have a good day, Bucky"

You walked out of the compound.

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physioblr · 5 years ago

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How to get a 4.0 with ADHD-C and Dyscalculia

(Or, how to survive Uni as a disabled student)

Disclaimer:

This is what has worked for me. I don’t claim that this will work for everyone. Not every ADHD brain is the same. Also other axis of privilege, time of diagnosis, and support are different between people. I have severe ADHD-C and was diagnosed as a young adult and had little support to help me deal with my symptoms until I met my partner. Psychiatrists aren’t trained to help you deal with the range of issues you will face.

Do keep in mind as well that some professors are just ablest assholes. The idea that someone is kind, empathetic, or will always follow federal law just because they are in a profession that gives them a power differential is ridiculous. You may also run into professors that also take pride in their exam distributions looking like a statistician’s nightmare. Keep an eye out for the obvious dog whistles, and do research before registration when possible. If you end up in these situations, drop the class during the add/drop period if you can. If not, be prepared for your GPA to take a hit.

I’m writing this from an American perspective, if you are in the UK/Europe I lived in Scotland for 5 years and would be happy to help if you have questions regarding the Equality Act 2010 and the UN convention of disability rights.

A. Lifestyle:

1. Sleep hygiene. Sleep = study retention.

I had trouble sleeping for most of my life. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep or stay asleep at the appropriate times. A lot of people deal with this by being “night owls” — i.e. just accepting that our clocks are set later than neurotypicals’. Other people deal with this by sleeping on a biphasic or polyphasic sleep schedule.

There is another option though. You can train yourself to go to sleep at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. This might take a couple of weeks for your body to adjust. Here is how I did it:

Take your morning dose of medication about 30-40 minutes before you actually need to wake up. This allows medication to kick in. It’s similar to the trick of drinking a cup of coffee before taking a power nap. I have two alarms. One to take my medication, and the other to actually wake up. My medication alarms have a particular tone so that I don’t take my medication twice.

Wake up at the same time every day, including weekends. You can’t oversleep or your body won’t adjust. Do not press the snooze button. Get up right away to start your morning routine. The 5-10 minutes that your snooze gives you isn’t going to make you feel less tired. It will make your feel groggy, which is something called sleep inertia. Your body doesn’t get to complete a full sleep cycle, and it will donk you up.

Add going outside to your morning routine. Even if it’s the winter, or mostly dark. I have an adorable greyhound, and he has to go potty as soon as I wake up. In the very least open your blinds/curtains and open your windows to get some fresh air and morning light. Studies show that light effects our circadian rhythm. I find that even when it’s dark out though, going outside helps due to the cool morning air.

Keep a consistent morning routine. Do everything in order like you are going down a checklist of tasks. Make your bed as your final task. Don’t get back in your bed. Your bed is for sleep or sex only.

Go to bed at the same time every night, no matter what. Medication has likely worn off by the time you go to sleep, and contradictory to neurotypical belief, when your brain wanders it can make it harder to fall asleep. So can hyperfocusing. I find that reading can keep me up as I will hyperfocus, but listening to audiobooks doesn’t cause those problems. I turn off the lights, put a seep mask on, and play an audiobook with wireless headphones to help me get to sleep. I recommend reading/listening to something light like fantasy or science fiction. Save thrillers, horror, and mystery books to listen to during the day.

2. Exercise.

I recommend exercising in the morning everyday, cardio and strength training. Even if you just do some cardio 10-15 minutes, it is still beneficial. Most exercise physiologists would recommend a rest day, but I’ve found that lighter days work better than complete rest days. You will see a noticeable difference in your hyperactivity symptoms. It’s not simply that it gets the fidgets out of your system, it is good for a hyperactive mind and helps with emotional dysregulation as well. It will help you sleep at night too.

Always speak to your doctor before you begin any exercise regimen, especially if you are taking 60+ mg of ADHD medication and have not exercised regularly on your medication previously.

3. Eating.

Eat at the same time everyday. Your body will tell you you’re hungry at those times. It’s also helpful to schedule your food around medication so that you don’t repress your natural appetite. Also, not that it needs to be said, but the brain uses up a lot of calories. You need to eat to retain what you learn.

4. Emotional Regulation.

This is one of the hardest parts of ADHD that no one ever talks about. You may not even know what this is, or that emotional dysregulation is a symptom of ADHD. It’s never mentioned in the DSM or ICD because emotions are hard (and expensive) to quantify. A lot of medical professionals have never even heard of it. If you want to read up on it, I suggest reading work by Dr. Russell A. Barkley. To give you the basics though, ADHD brains fail to self regulate emotions. We have emotional impulsivity. When we take in sensory information for conscious appraisal the pathway goes like this: stimulus —> thalamus —> cortex —> amygdala. Our frontal cortex is not the greatest at giving us context, or telling us to chill out, so our amygdala can be in the driver’s seat often. This aspect can make us really fun people, because it can make us get excited easily and enjoy life to the fullest. It can also cause us problems. For example, expressing anger at your boss or teacher (even if you are rightfully angry) might not be the best—diplomacy may give a better outcome. Our amygdala doesn’t know what is best for our future selves.

So, how does one regulate emotion when you’re brain doesn’t function like you want it? Try practicing mindfulness. And no, I’m not taking about attending to everything coming into your working memory or weird granola hippy garbage. When you are having an emotional response, check in with yourself. Are you feeling overstimulated? Are you feeling understimulated? Are you hungry, are you thirsty? Are you tired? Is your medication wearing off? Notice patterns, notice what triggers the emotion, write it down. Develop a proverbial toolbox that can help you when you are not regulating your emotions well. This toolbox is individual to you, and it may take some trial and error.

Keep in mind that trauma is different than emotional dysregulation, although our emotional dysregulation doesn’t exactly help. A lot of us ADHD brains have experienced severe emotional trauma via ableism and abuse from the school system, from teachers, or from parents. It never gets talked about because it’s usually caused by someone in a position of authority, and we are hardly ever given a voice to talk about our own experiences. Find someone you can trust to talk to about it. Find ways to self sooth in a healthy way when re-experiencing that trauma. You may have complex PTSD. It’s difficult for us to get help for complex PTSD because society doesn’t recognize that disabled people experience trauma in a very unique way. Keep in mind PTSD wasn’t even considered a disability under the ADA until 2008, one couldn’t get social security for PTSD until 2017, and the ADA didn’t exist until 1990. If you do seek out help though, expect push back from some medical professionals, have someone that will support you through the process, and do so when you will not be experiencing new trauma. Also, remember, fellow ADHD brains are here and we all love and support you.

B. Disability Services:

I’m not going to sugar coat this. We are barely recognized as human beings, so our rights are always under fire. Being disabled in this world is like walking through a mine field. Not every university or work environment is going to follow the ADA. The ADA became law in 1990, and the abled have been dragging their feet ever since. It’s difficult to enforce, complaining to the government often leads to nothing, and getting a lawyer is expensive. It’s also hard to prove discrimination in court. The ADA leaves a lot of room for improvement. Ableism is a systemic problem pretty much worldwide. I’m not trying to upset anyone, but you need to be prepared for what you are up against.

1. Keep the nature of your disability private.

Never ever ever tell a professor or TA the nature of your disability. Tell them you have a disability recognized under the ADA which is federal law, do not tell them what disability you have. There are lots of tips on tumblr that will tell you to inform professors that you have x disability, and that they will be empathetic and blah blah blah. Those uninformed tips are putting your legal rights, and your grade, in danger. There are so many biases professors can and do have when it comes to ADHD and dyscalculia. You are just asking to experience ableism if you divulge. Some professors don’t believe that ADHD is a disability, or they believe that vaccines cause ADHD, or that you just magically grow out of ADHD when you turn 18 etc. It isn’t your job to deal with their delusions, their biases, or their ableism — that’s their therapists’ or HRs’ problem. You do not have to tell anyone but your university disability services. Under the ADA you have a legal right to privacy, but if you divulge to a professor you are waiving that right.

I also wouldn’t recommend telling other students the nature of your disability. Unless you are pretty sure the other student also has your disability, but even then internalized ableism is a thing. You never know who they are going to tell, if they are ableist, or how they feel about your accommodations. You never want an abled student crying to a professor because they think your accommodations are “unfair”. If a student wants to know what disability you have, and you want to tell them something because you have become acquaintances/friends but don’t want to tell them exactly, say that you have a neurodevelopmental disability and/or a learning disability.

2. Advocate for your legal accommodations.

Disability services are not going to hold your hand. They are not going to simply offer you all the accommodations that you are legally allowed or would make you successful. They deal with hundreds of other students and likely have accommodations they offer everyone, regardless of the type of disability you have. Request accommodations that actually put you on the same playing field as everyone else. Read the ADA, and understand what reasonable accommodations are.

If you have ADHD, I would recommend requesting extended time on exams and assignments, a private room to take exams in that is free of distraction, handouts/materials and textbooks in text-to-speech capable formats, the ability to take breaks in-class or exams, reduced course load, and the ability to record lectures for note-taking. You may be able to request a memory aid for ADHD, as a lot of ADHD brains have very low working memory (also called short term memory) capacity. Part of our attention difficulties come from low working memory capacity as sensory input goes through working memory before it is stored in long term memory. Anything stored in long term memory must be pulled back into working memory to be used and manipulated. Get a psychologist that specializes in ADHD adults to test your working memory capacity if needed.

If you have dyscalculia, I would recommend requesting a memory aid (used for formulas, constants, equations etc), the use of calculator on exams and assignments, extended time on exams and assignments, reduced course load, and a private room for exams.

3. Get accommodations implemented.

This is a different process than getting accommodations approved. My uni makes me contact professors at the start of the quarter in an ‘engagement process’. Due to re-experiencing trauma, I avoid setting up a meeting with professors and just email. Emailing prevents professors form cornering you or badgering you to divulge your disability, or subtly threatening you about your registration or degree, and puts everything in writing so there is a legal paper trail.

Professors may try to get out of their legal obligations. I have had this happen multiple times. I’ve even had professors tell me that accommodations aren’t helpful for disabled students, or that they are not fair to abled students — I responded with “well it’s not fair that I was born with a disability and that you’re gatekeeping disabled people from getting an education”… they didn’t take that well. Do not try to argue with a professor about your disability rights or accommodations, it will only make you upset and they will likely accuse you of being hysterical or unstable. I’ve even had a professor say that I “threatened” them when I simply reminded them of their legal obligations under federal law as they were trying to not implement accommodations. This is why email is the best choice — you have time to respond professionally and having the receipts is important to keep you legally safe. If a professor is being belligerent about implementing accommodations, tell disability services what is going on (forward your emails) and remind them that accommodations must be implemented in a timely manner under the ADA. If disability services tries to make you argue with your professor, say that you do not feel comfortable doing so. If they push further, tell them you would rather not without an attorney or other representative present — mention you would rather the university handle it internally as you are concerned bringing an attorney or representative into an argument would escalate the situation which isn’t ideal for anyone.

I have a standard email that I send professors during the ‘engagement process’ that I edit slightly to reflect the course. It is professional, polite, and reminds them of their legal obligations as well as university policy. In it I also outline what my approved accommodations are and suggest how they should be implemented.

4. Any paperwork you have to turn in, make sure to do it early.

Create reminders on your calendar, write the dates in your bujo future log, whatever you need to do to get that paperwork in on time. Read everything slowly. These are legal documents. If you have a support system… ASK FOR HELP. Seriously, don’t be afraid to ask your support system for help with legal documents.

C. Studying:

1. Choose two places to study.

I don’t like studying in the library or in cafes. I know it’s not as aesthetic to study at home, but it prevents me from people watching and getting distracted. I have two designated study areas. One is my desk, the other is a cozy couch. Choose locations based on stimulation and comfort. My desk is fairly understimulating, while the couch is a bit more stimulation.

2. Learn to use your hyperfocus.

Most reading this probably know what you need to get in the hyperfocus zone. If you don’t, then note any patterns/conditions when it happens so you will have an easier time using the only ADHD super power you’ve got. When you are hyperfocusing on studying, ride the wave for as long as you can. However, make sure to set alarms to eat, go to the bathroom, stretch etc. Don’t let your hyperfocus keep you from taking care of yourself.

3. Create a study routine.

I know I keep blathering on about routines, but it helps. Treat studying like you would training as a professional athlete. When you have a study routine, you never have to decide to study. That decision is already made for you. When studying for exams, make a checklist of everything you need to cover. Ask the professor in advance about what is going to be covered on exams so that you can make an exam study plan early. If your professor is a garbage person and won’t tell you use the syllabus, textbook readings, labs, lecture slides, and snoop on the internet for past exams. Last minute learning is never a good idea. The human brain simply can’t do it, and your working memory capacity is too low to cram.

4. Accept that everything will take you longer, and that it’s okay.

It sucks, it really does. Those neurotypicals don’t know how lucky they are. It’s going to take you longer to read, to learn material, and to do basically anything in life. That’s okay, you do you. Don’t compare yourself to others, it will only cause you to feel bad about yourself. Guess what though, you are already a statistical anomaly. Only 32% of ADHD children graduate high school. Only 22% of adults with ADHD get into university. Only 5% of ADHD adults graduate from university. You are already punching those statistics in the face by existing. Seriously, do what you need to do and fuck anyone that has a problem with it. You’ve got this!

5. Create the environment you need for your brain.

Sometimes I’m feeling really over stimulated and I need complete silence. Sometimes I feel at a sort of stimulation equilibrium and I listen to lofi study beats playlists. Sometimes I feel understimulated or I’m doing something really tedious, and I need to put on a tv show or a movie in the background. I keep a list of TV shows and movies that I can put on in such cases. Pick things that you won’t really watch and that you are familiar with. It usually helps me transition so that I can start the studying task. Listen to your body and do what works for you.

6. Don’t use the pomodoro technique.

The pomodoro technique was made for neurotypicals. ADHD brains have difficulty transitioning between tasks. It’s better to study for as long as you can maintain focus or hyperfocus than rely on a set 25 minutes. Again, be sure to eat and use the bathroom! You don’t want to be taken off your meds due to weight loss, and you don’t want to get a UTI.

D. Tools of the Trade:

1. iPad Pro & Apple Pencil v.s. Echo Livescribe Smart Pen

I used to use the echo livescribe smart pen but now I use an iPad. It’s cheaper in the long run and I don’t have to worry about running out of paper. Apple has way better customer support as well as iCloud backups, plus they can find your device if lost. Now I only use the echo livescribe pen when taking exams. My university lets me use one from the disability office so that I can make verbal notes when doing long answer exam questions and to keep track of my thoughts if I want to skip over a question and come back to it. I requested it as an accommodation, it had to be approved by committee. They actually thanked me for being so creative and trained the person in charge of accessible technology so that it could be used with other students. It’s almost like asking disabled students about what helps us and our experiences is a good thing!

2. Notability

I use the app Notability for lectures as it can record the lecture and has great organizational capabilities. I usually copy/paste slides into my notes so that I can write on them as well. I also use Notability to read textbooks. It’s got fairly good text-to-speech compatibility, so you can move around if you need to.

3. Goodnotes 5

I use the Goodnotes 5 app for a digital bujo as well as for making mind maps. It’s got some great shape recognition functions. Although Notability has improved their shape functionality, it’s still not as great as Goodnotes 5.

4. iWork

I also use pages on my iPad to make condensed study guides / study notes. It’s also really great for writing essays or making tables. I used to hand-write study notes, but it takes way longer.

4. Omnifocus

Omnifocus is great for breaking down big projects into smaller tasks or making quick checklists. It’s a bit of a pain to learn how to use, but once you do it’s completely worth it.

5. Quizlet Plus

Quizlet Plus is completely worth it. I use it a lot for figures or structures I have to memorize, I draw figures in Notability and take a screen shot or grab it from my textbook. It’s a really amazing flashcard app. Also, if you have your textbook on your device, you can copy/paste definitions right into quizlet.

6. Studybreak

Studybreak is a great app for iphone. It tells you how long you have been studying, nags you if you’ve touched your phone to scroll social media, and can suggest that you take a break. You can program it to set how long you want to study for, how long you want to take a break for etc. You can also ignore the break suggestion which is nice when one is hyperfocusing. It also keeps statistics on how long you have been studying and for which subjects.

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mirkwoodshewolf · 4 years ago

Text

Guardian of creatures; AU! Queen x oc female x reader Chap. 7.1

*Author’s note*

Hey guys well do I have an update for you now this chapter is PRETTY LONG so I apologize in advance, which is why this chapter has been broken up into 2 parts. Now I would like to thank some users who have helped me with the face cast decision in each of the family members and I think it’s safe to say for certain characters some of you will already get (hehehe). Now like I said this is a lot because it contains background info on our two main leads John and Serafina and now for the warnings.

WARNINGS: Fluff, angst, child abuse (WHICH I THINK IS VILE which is why I’ve put a trigger warning in my taglist below so anyone with that blocked from their suggestions may not be able to read this chapter).

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things

@waddles03

@psychosupernatural

@ixchel-9275

@simonedk

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels

@queensdivas

@queen-paladin

@dancingcoolcat

@geek-and-proud

@queendeakyy

@kinole009x

@wormzteef

___________________________________________________________

Chapter 7

The truth of Serafina Black and John Deacon

*May 28th. Nighttime 3rd Person POV*

It was a full moon tonight; the spring wind softly blew against the trees outside and across the grand lake which rippled in the wind’s direction. Inside the manor however was a different story.

At around 1:30am, the walls began to tremble, almost as if it were crying. The moving pictures soon became fearful as they felt their portrait homes shaking with the walls. The wooden snake décor along the stairs was now hiding itself down on the ground trembling in fear. The lights soon came on one by one down a certain hallway and a long snake like tail slowly slithered down the hallway.

Freddie had come up from the basement, sensing and knowing just exactly what was behind the house acting like this, especially since this wasn’t the first time to happen. He slowly continued down the hallway and faint whispers from the pictures began to echo out.

“Back to bed. All of you. Stop gawking and back to bed. Come on now back to bed.” He told the pictures as he slithered past them till he saw Brian standing at the last door. When the Naga now stood beside the Elf lord, Brian opened the door and inside they saw the culprit behind the house’s anxiety.

Lying in her bed was Serafina, tossing and turning as her whole body was caked in sweat. Whimpering frightenedly like a lost puppy.

“This is the worst I’ve seen her.” Brian whispered softly.

“It’s another big milestone this year Brian. Those are always the hardest for her.” Freddie merely replied. “As always do not let John come into this room, and also keep our Knight away from this wing. They don’t need to see her like this.” Freddie soon slithered into the master bedroom of John and Serafina.

When the tip of his tail entered the room, Brian closed the door and stood guard of it.

Inside the dark bedroom, Freddie slowly slithered towards Serafina, all the while looking at the walls as they began to burn and boil up like sores.

He then stared at the young witch who was still tossing and turning, trapped in her own mind like a caged animal. His forked tongue tasting the air as he could literally taste the heat in the room as well as Serafina’s fear and anxiety rising higher than he ever saw before.

When he got right up to her bed, his hand slowly reached out for her and as he touched her wrist, he was suddenly hit with a vision. All around him he saw nothing but fire. A blazing hot fire surrounding a cozy little home.

He also heard various levels of screaming. Ranging from ages of either a full grown men, women, young adult men and even small children. They were filled with nothing but pain and sorrow.

Flashes of green lights also shot up at him and Freddie knew all to well just what that green light meant.

As Serafina kept whimpering and panting away, Freddie tried to call out to her trying to get her to snap out of her nightmare. Then with one final call, he managed to get Serafina to wake up and the both of them were now gasping for air. Freddie lying across Serafina’s legs exhausted from the vision he had seen while she looked up and saw Freddie lying before her.

“I—I s-saw it. I could…..feel their pain…….hear their screaming.” She choked out frightenedly. Freddie composed himself and stood beside her.

“It was only a dream.”

“No. It was a memory. Like your visions I—could see everything. Feel. Everything.”

“Visions like mine have dire consequences. Now you are indeed the most powerful witch I have ever known, your powers of the mind alone can convince anyone—”

“No Freddie it’s not my powers, I know what it is. Just like last year these memories continue to burn into my brain. And they’re getting worse!” she pleaded to the Naga. “I thought the Hydra test cured me of this.”

“It did. Instead of degrading yourself with your guilt every day you’ve only resorted to doing it once a year. And you know it wasn’t you’re……”

“You don’t know what it’s like to be the last of your family by murder! To know that you were forced to stay alive while your own family dies!”

“Actually, I do.” Freddie told her in a low, serious but velvet-like voice. The young witch looked at the Naga as he continued, “For the very same bloodline that took your family away from you, took mine as well. One man, slaughtered my entire race. And I was forced to live with that.”

Serafina’s eyes filled with tears as she lay back down, her back facing Freddie and her hand clenching her pillow.

“I should never have let John take me away from home.” She whimpered out as tears dripped down her face. There was a moment of silence in the room, except for the faint sobs that came out of Serafina’s lips. She soon felt coils beginning to wrap around her. She was taken out from her blanket and soon found herself wrapped up in Freddie’s coil.

Instead of squeezing her nearly to death like he’s done to millions of others in the past, he kept a comforting embrace around her as he now wrapped his arms around her. Holding her like a parent holds a crying child. Looking down at her, he could see that she had now mentally reverted to the frightened child she once was when she first had to deal with this.

“Being the last of your family is a lonely, dark path.” He gently cupped the side of her face while the tip of his tail tucked the strands of hair that stuck to her face out of her eyes. “You will learn why it was you that survived. And when you do……you will know peacccce.”

She looked up at Freddie and saw as his eyes began to shift in a hypnotic pattern.

“You can mourn in the morning. For now, ssssshhhut your eyes. Ssssslip into sssilent ssslumber.” her eyes slowly began drooping tiredly as she couldn’t look away from Freddie’s gaze. Finally her eyes shut and the house was now at ease.

Freddie kept her in his coils for the rest of the night and stood guard over his young red witch. He looked out of the balcony up to the stars and for the first time in what felt like eons, a single tear slipped down Freddie’s face as he stared at a specific constellation in the sky.

*2nd Person POV. The next morning*

After you wake up and make up the bed, you walk down the stairs to see that for the first time since you moved in, breakfast hadn’t been made. In fact no one was in the kitchen.

“Serafina? John?” you walk through the house but in each room you could see that no one was there. “Hello?” you then go out into the backyard. Thinking that maybe they could be in the gardens, after all it was a beautiful day today for gardening.

“(Y/n)?” you turn around and there stood Brian. His face looked shocked to see you out here in the garden.

“Brian there you are. Where’s everyone else? Was there another problem at the club?” you ask him.

“N-no. No. I—I thought you had your internship today?”

“I only work Monday through Friday. Today’s Saturday Brian.”

“Bollocks.” He muttered.

“Is—everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine. No need to worry your head dear one.” He tried his best to assure you.

“Great cause I was hoping Serafina could teach me how to do some transfiguration. John told me she was always the best at it and even taught him. I’ve always wanted to change into my favorite animal. Where is she?”

“Umm (Y/n). I don’t think today’s a good day for a magic lesson. Let alone the rest of the week for that matter.” He muttered the last part.

“Why?” you question with a tilt of your head. Brian looked towards the gardens and sighed heavily.

“We didn’t want you to see this but…..there’s no use in hiding it.”

“Hiding what? Brian you’re starting to scare me here.”

“There’s no need to be frightened mellon. But just promise me that when we find Serafina you won’t speak a word to her. In fact don’t even let your presences be known to her.” His tone that always filled you with warmth and comfort now gave you anxiety.

He places a hand to your shoulder and guides you deep into the garden. Further than you ever went before until your eye caught the sight of Serafina and Roger standing close together under a large willow tree.

Play video

Roger had an arm wrapped around Serafina but this didn’t seem like Roger trying to make a pass at her. It was almost like he was trying to comfort her or something. Brian presses his finger to his lips as he gestures for you both to move closer. You both crouch down behind the shrubs and through the green curtains of the willow you could see Serafina in a state you had never seen her before. Normally she always appeared motherly, welcoming, and caring to those around her. Like she was the kind of woman who would never betray your trust or break you down.

But all that stood before you now was a shell of the woman she was. Her red eyes were now red with shedded as well as unshed tears. Her mind seemed to be elsewhere as she just stood there frozen in time in that broken state of hers.

Roger tried his best whether nuzzling her or even giving her a comforting kiss to get her to snap out of it. But she was long gone. Lost in her mind.

You turn to Brian confused and sad wanting to ask why Serafina was this upset but he once again pressed his finger to his lips before pointing back towards them. It was then John soon arrived at the Willow tree. His expression solemn and eyes full of regret as he stared at his wife.

Roger turned to John and glared at him but before he could do anything, that’s when Serafina turned to John. Her expression never changing as she stared at him with solemn, broken eyes. Roger backed off as John slowly walked towards her.

The couple stood silently before each other. Not one of them saying a word. It was then John fell to his knees, his head bowing in shame before Serafina. He stayed in that position and you watched as Serafina just looked down at him.

She then raised her hand up and a red beam of light started to form from her palm as she looked like she was about to strike John down. Your heart began to race with anxiety, was she really gonna strike him when he was unarmed? Not even wanting to fight? And why did John seem to want this to happen?

But when you saw Serafina’s hand tremble and shake you knew then she wouldn’t do it. And it was only confirmed when she closed her hand into a fist before turning away from John as more tears seeped down her face. Her biting her tongue to keep from sobbing.

That’s when Roger came back, this time in his horse form. Serafina wrapped her arms around Roger’s powerful stallion neck and he lowered his head onto her shoulder.

You and Brian were now back at the mansion in the living room. A cup of tea was in your hand as Brian prepared himself his usual cup of wine.

“I’ve never knew Serafina could be so broken like that.” You muttered solemnly.

“She tries to keep her optimistic and motherly nature. But on this day, she can’t help herself. Be thankful she’s only managed to keep it for this day. When I first met her, she was like that almost every day.” Brian said before taking a sip of his wine.

“What happened to her that made her so broken?”

“Today is the 900th anniversary of the day she and I had something in common.” Freddie’s voice spoke up. You quickly turn and surprisingly for the first time since you’ve been here, Freddie had come out from the cave of the basement and was now slithering towards you all.

“And what is that?” you ask the Naga.

“To tell you that would take forever. But if you wish to truly know, follow me and you will see what I’ve seen.” He slithered away. You turn to Brian completely confused.

“Does he always speak like that?”

“Nagas always love to speak in riddle-like manner. It’s just their nature. But you should go with him. He can tell you more than even I ever could.”

“You really think I should go with him?” he nodded. You let out a whine as you stand up and you muttered. “I don’t want to though! He nearly killed me last time I was alone with him.”

“But he didn’t. Trust me if Freddie really wanted to kill you, he’d never let you know.” Brian said sternly before trailing off in a darker tone.

Swallowing the last bit of your tea you set the cup down and walk in the general direction that Freddie had slithered off to. You heard his voice in your head telling him to come up to the attic.

When you got there, all around there were additional shelves filled with even more ancient trinkets, spell books, weapons, and even some wizard photographs (apparently when wizards take pictures with a camera, the pictures move about in that moment in time).

You then see Freddie standing right before a beautiful fountain. The bottom of it was pure stone and trailing up towards the top was an intwining pattern that resembled tree branches twisting and turning over each other. A silver bowl encompassed the top part of the fountain, shining as bright as a star in the sky.

“A gift of the Eldar. Brian’s grandmother’s mirror. This shows you things that were, things that are, and some things…..that have not yet come to pass.”

“Is this how you see the future?”

“I’ve been seeing the fates of all creatures long before this fountain was created. But when Brian was able to bring this along, with a little bit of my magical knowledge, I helped improve on just what this fountain can do.” He pulled out a tall silver pitcher and poured the water that was inside it into the fountain, while with his tail, it reached over to one of the shelves and took out a small vile with barely a quarter of what looked like water.

“What’s in there?” you ask him. He put the pitcher down and took the vile from his tail and responded.

“The key to you seeing what all has been in the lives of your teachers. This my darling, are the tears of Serafina Rhea Black and John Richard Deacon.” He then opened the vile and tilted it over the fountain and soon the two teardrops fell into the fountain.

He turned to you and gestures towards the fountain. Slowly you walk towards the fountain and look at Freddie. He gives you a soft nod telling you to look into the fountain. You look down at the water to see ripples forming and expanding throughout the entire fountain. Smoke began to form from within the water and all of a sudden it felt like you were being pulled in.

It was so fast and so quick you almost didn’t even know what was happening. Until finally you landed before a large forest. The sun was shining high above the sky, birds were chirping and flying about through the forest trees. Suddenly you heard the sound of a child’s giggle.

Coming out from the trees was a young girl around 5-6 years old. She had very long black hair, right about to her mid-back and she was chasing a butterfly. Her bright brown eyes gleaming with child-like innocence as she chased after the butterfly.

“Hey wait! Come back! I just wanna play!” she called out to the butterfly before chasing after it once more. For some reason this child looked familiar to you but you couldn’t place your finger on it.

“She looks different. Especially to how you know her now but it is her.” Freddie’s voice said beside you. You look to him before turning back to the little girl. Your eyes widening in realization!

“Wait that’s….that’s Serafina!?”

“Indeed it is.”

“But her hair’s not red, nor are her eyes.”

“All will be explained further on. Keep watching. This was the day that changed both their lives forever.” You both continue to watch as little Serafina run after the butterfly before crouching down in the tall grass as it now landed on a boulder before her.

“The mighty huntress……has cornered her prey.” Serafina whispered lowly. You watch as gets into pouncing position and she leaps over the grass but over shoots her mark and soon knocks into someone.

A boy around a year or 2 older than her. He had short brown hair but there was no mistaking from those eyes of his. That mix of blueish grey, this was John Deacon as a little boy. The two of them rolled around till Serafina ended up on top of him and the two of them groaned in pain.

“Sorry. I—get a little enthusiastic when I chase after butterflies.” Serafina apologized. You saw as little John Deacon just stared up at little Serafina in pure awe.

Like she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen.

A light blush blossoming across his chubby face.

“What’s wrong? Can’t you talk?” little John’s stunned face continued to grow redder. “Hey, I don’t bite.” Serafina told him assuringly before getting off of him. “My name’s Serafina. What’s your name kid?”

“Pretty.” You hear him whisper.

“Pretty? What kind of a weird name is that?” Serafina asked with a tilt of her head.

“Wha? No. No I mean……my-my name is-it’s I meant to say. John. My name is John Deacon.”

“You’re part of the Deacon family!? My daddy says I need to be careful around you.” she said stunned before trailing off lowly. You watched as John’s expression grew sad and he lowered his head in shame. And you thought you saw tears in his eyes but that’s when Serafina suddenly exclaimed. “I like you!”

“What? But didn’t you hear my last name?”

“Yeah I did. My cousins Fred and George Weasley say that they’re stuck up trolls that don’t know how to have fun. But you seem like you do.” She then poked him in the chest before jumping back from him. “Tag you’re it!”

She jumped in circles around John who just looked at her confused.

“What are you doing?”

“Wizard tag. I tagged you now you gotta come tag me!” Serafina giggled happily as she continued to hop around him. “C’mon don’t you know how to play?” when John looked down once again, Serafina stopped hopping and stood in front of him. “Ohh.” She said solemnly.

“Mother and Father don’t allow fun.” Serafina then began to ponder for a moment before she exclaimed.

“I got it!” she took his hand and dragged him out of the forest.

“Wh-where are we going?”

“To the masters of fun. They’ll show you how to have fun!” they soon disappeared from sight.

You and Freddie stood there and you say to him.

“She was pretty resilient as a child wasn’t she?”

“Serafina always did want to get her way. And being the only child from her mother and father she did get that. But it was a good thing she persisted in wanting to being friends with John. His family is……to put it lightly. Not a great bunch of characters.” The scene then faded away into smoke and now you stood before a large mansion of some kind.

Unlike the mansion you currently lived at, this one was dark and gloomy. Hardly any light came in through the windows (even though they stood as high as the ceiling). A large fireplace was to your right and up above you a large diamond crystal chandelier.

Suddenly coming around the corner was John who looked much older this time (roughly around 11 or 12 years old) but you watched in horror as a woman dragged him by his ear before tossing him down to the ground and she hissed out.

She seemed to be around her 40’s maybe 50’s and wore a long black raggedy dress with a black corset around it. Her hair was dark brown like John’s, and it reminded you of Brian’s to a degree but her hair was almost unkept and madded around her face like a rat’s nest. What really frightened you the most were her eyes.

Her dark brown eyes that almost appeared black were just wide with insanity. Even the most insane person that had ever been convicted and had those same crazed eyes couldn’t compare to the eyes of the woman before you.

“You’ve been with that filthy half-blood again weren’t you?”

“No I—”

“DON’T LIE TO ME!!!” she screamed at him. Hearing her voice was like hearing nails running down a chalkboard. It almost made your ears bleed and send fear up your spine. “You know it’s never good to lie to mummy Johnny boy.” Whoa wait what? This crazed psychotic woman was John’s mother?!

You turn to Freddie, your eyes filled with shock and he nodded once to you.

“So why don’t you tell me again, were you with that filthy half-blood?” she hissed at her son’s face all the while holding a knife!? A freaking knife at her own child!

“What is with all the shouting now Bellatrix?” a deep baritone voice echoed through the walls. Soon a very tall and lean man soon came into the picture. His posture showed that he held great status and power with his hands behind his back as he slowly walked towards the woman known as Bellatrix and John. He had long platinum blonde hair that went down to his back and piercing blue eyes.

“Ask your son Ronan. I caught him gallivanting with that insult of a witch Serafina Black!” Ronan soon turned to his son. John fearfully turned to his father who only looked down at him like he was an insect.

“And what were you doing together?” he asked John. When John refused to answer his father all he got was a hard slap across the face sending him to the ground.

Alright that’s it! You race towards John’s father to tackle him to the ground when Freddie’s tail wrapped around your waist.

“Let go of me I’ve got to help him! They can’t do this to him this is child abuse Freddie!”

“These are the shadows of things that have been. The past cannot be altered nor changed not even erased. No matter how much we try to bury it.” You slump down and watch helplessly as John tries to pick himself back up.

“They were skipping along holding hands making lovey-dovey eyes at each other. And I even saw John give Serafina a thistle.” Soon a young teenager that almost resembled his father to a T said as he came strutting in the manor. “Honestly it made me feel sick to my stomach.”

“Well done Draco.” Bellatrix whispered to the teenager’s ear almost seductively. You made a disgusted face as you turn to Freddie, questions buzzing through your mind like a swarm of bees.

“His older brother Draco. And Bellatrix is incapably of showing real motherly love as you can see. She’s unquenched by her bloodlust and any love she may try to show comes out as lust. Like for her eldest son whom she molded into the perfect killing machine.”

“How could John have remained the type of person he is today with a family like that? If that had been me I would’ve been locked away in some asylum or thrown in prison for the crimes I would’ve committed.”

“I think you already know the answer to that.” Freddie told you. You pondered and pondered till it finally came to you.

“Serafina.” He nodded and the world around you vanished once again into smoke and a new picture was formed.

This time however it was a large field in front of you. Nothing but green as far as the eye could see. A little farm was just to the corner and you could hear the sounds of horses, cows, chickens, ducks and pigs. When you turned around you saw what looked like a stack of houses on top of one another.

Wooden and all with many doors, windows and finally the stereotypical triangle-shaped roof with a little chimney on top. The sun was high above the sky on this beautiful sunny day but there wasn’t any people around or showing up yet.

“Where are we?”

“Welcome to the Burrow. The home of Serafina and her entire family.”

“Just how big is her family to live in a house like that?”

“Remember darling they’re wizards. Not everything is as it seems.” Suddenly something landed behind the two of you and drove right through you both. You at first were startled as you tried to make sure you were still there but then you remembered what Freddie said. That this was in the past and nothing could see or hear us, so it would make sense that nothing could really touch you.

“There they are right on time.” Freddie said. “This happened the next morning after what you just witnessed.” The carriage soon came to a stop and coming out of it was Serafina and John along with two teenage boys.

Identical twins with the brightest red hair you had ever seen on anyone else. It came down just short of their shoulders and they grabbed John’s stuff from the carriage while Serafina checked John over before taking his hand and leading him towards the Burrow. The four young wizards walked quietly towards the house when you turned to Freddie.

“Go see.” You follow behind them and when you entered inside, it was like visiting a cozy cottage. Antiques of pottery stacked along the shelves, a cute little table was set up with a plate of biscuits at the center. And of course like Freddie said the house did seem to be bigger on the inside.

Not as big as John’s manor home but it was homey enough. Like being wrapped up in warm hugs homey with enough space to walk about.

“Do you think it’d be alright if we had some of these?” Serafina whispered.

“Yeah mum will never know.” whispered one of the twins. The three of them take the biscuits but Serafina grabs two and hands one to John.

“I—know it’s not much. But it’s home.”

“I’ve been here before Serafina. And I love it every time I come here. Thanks for getting me out of there.” He reached out and took the biscuit from her hand but allowed his fingers to linger on her hand a bit longer which made Serafina blush.

Oh my god how can these two kids be sooo cute together!? It was then you heard the sound of frantic footsteps and soon coming out from the corner of the stairs was a stout woman with long ginger hair. Her eyes slightly narrowed as she spoke with a shrill in her voice.

“Where have you been!?” immediately Serafina and the twins hid their helpings of biscuits behind their backs as they stared like a deer in headlights at the woman before them. When her eyes turned to John, they softened up and she came around as she spoke in a real motherly voice. “Oh John. How wonderful to have you back dear.” She then turned her attention back to Serafina and the boys, her hands at her hips as she lectured them. “Beds empty! No note! Carriage gone! You could’ve died! You could’ve been seen! Of course I don’t blame you John dear.” She spoke softly to John.

Her face then turned immediately concerned as she saw the bruising around John’s face.

“Oh, dear what happened to your face?” she walked up to John and cupped the side of his face, gently stroking the bruise which made him softly hiss in pain.

“He hit him again Aunt Molly. And they put bars on his window.” The twins nodded in agreement. Molly continued to look John over and sighed.

“Alright, I’ll overlook this just this once. But be thankful I’m not your father cause otherwise you’ll have bars up your window Serafina Black.” The twins stared down at Serafina wide-eyed. “Come now John. Little bit of healing and then time for a spot of breakfast.” Serafina’s aunt guided John to another part of the room when her voice suddenly called back. “And you three put those biscuits back on the plate less you get the swaddle!”

Immediately you saw Serafina and the twins put their biscuits back on the plate and race back up the stairs.

As the scene went on you watched as Serafina’s aunt pampered John at the table telling him to tuck in as a large breakfast was now being set down along the table.

Another set of footsteps came walking down the stairs and soon a beautiful young woman with the same ginger hair color and honey brown colored eyes came down and she said.

“Molly have you seen my wand?” she asked in a warm, soft voice.

“Yes sister it was on the cat.” Molly told the young woman. When she saw John sitting beside Serafina at the table, her eyes slowly widened in fear.

“Hello Mrs. Black.” John greeted her with a smile. Wait so was this…….Serafina’s mom? No wonder where she got her beautiful looks from, this woman was beautiful. Ethereal almost like an angel.

“Young lord Deacon. What-what-what a surprise to see you here.” She then immediately raced off out of the kitchen.

“Did I do something wrong?” John asked confused.

“Don’t worry about my mum. She’s always been freaked out a lot lately. In fact I think it was around the time we met. But I wouldn’t worry about that. She can sometimes act a little crazy at times. This one time Fred and George slipped this garden snake into her pillow and she refused to sleep in her bed for a month. My dad was not pleased about that.”

“Now, now Serafina don’t go insulting your mother like that. She loves you and you know it.” Her aunt Molly lectured her.

“Morning everyone!” a man’s voice called out. Soon coming through you was a stout man wearing the a green cloak and the traditional pointy wizard hat on top of his head. It was the same color of dark green as his cloak but was worn down after probably years of being worn.

“Morning dad! Uncle Arthur! Arthur!” you heard everyone in the room chorus out.

“What a night! Nine raids. Nine!” the man known as Arthur said excitedly as he crossed across the kitchen to set his stuff down and take off his cloak and hat.

“Raids?” John questioned to Serafina. She swallowed her food and said.

“You remember John, my uncle works with the Ministry of magic. In the Muggle artifacts office.”

“He loves muggles.” Said one of the twins that was with Serafina earlier.

“Thinks they’re fascinating.” The other twin joined in. Arthur went up to his wife and kissed her cheek before taking his seat at the head of the table.

“Well now,” Arthur said as he took his seat. When he took notice of John sitting next to him he said, “Oh well John Deacon welcome back lad.”

“Morning Mr. Weasley. Hope I didn’t come at a bad time.”

“Nonsense. Besides I was wondering when your next visit would be, when did he get here?” Arthur waved off nonchalantly before digging into his breakfast.

“This morning.” Molly answered as she turned around from the oven. “Your sons and niece flew that enchanted carriage of yours to Leicester and back last night.”

“Did you really?” Arthur said in awe. He then turned to his twin boys and asked enthusiastically, “How’d it go? Was it…..” as the twins began to talk over about how it worked out well, their mother stepped into the conversation.

“Arthur!” Molly scolded him as she slapped his arm and giving him a lecturing look.

“I mean……that was very wrong of you children! Very wrong indeed!” Arthur said in his best lecturing voice.

You saw as John and Serafina look at each other before smiling secretly at each other holding in their laughter. Now that you’ve got more questions you stepped outside the house to see Freddie right by the pigpen.

“No wonder where she got her motherly side from. She’s almost exactly like her aunt. Serafina’s got a great family.” You heard Freddie softly laugh before it grew and he was now laughing hysterically.

“Great? Great is a loose term when describing families.”

“Well at least they treated John like one of their own. They were way better nurturers than his poor excuse of parents!” you exclaim at the Naga.

“That is true but Serafina’s parents weren’t any better than John’s were. I assume you’ve met her mother in there correct?” your anger faded as you say outloud.

“She did seem pretty freaked out about John. And Serafina said that it happened right after they met when they were little. So what is this really a Romeo and Juliet situation?”

“To a degree. It’s not so much as rivalry families. When one of John’s many great grandfather’s became the Sorcerer supreme, he sought out a hierarchy based line. In which Pureblood were respected and revered almost like Gods, while everyone else of either Half-blood or hybrid blood, in their case anyone born with a muggle parent, were deemed less worthy. But if you had a certain skill set then you were seen with a slight more advantage than the other families. But only by much.”

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lastcrystalwitch · 4 years ago

Text

4/15/2021

So the term Earth Angel found me. And I'm not particularly crazy about the term, but the meaning behind it is absolutely spot on with me. Its crazy that I'm finally finding articles and messages everywhere recently since I started working with messenger Gods and Goddesses. I've been receiving a ton of information about self growth. But a friend of mine called me and Earth Angel yesterday. I had to look it up. I'd heard it before, but it wasn't something that I was interested in because I thought it had to deal with Christianity, Jesus, Mary, and the heavenly pure spirit that makes up "God." or the , "Holy Ghost."

But an earth angel isn't someone who is Christian and follows Christianity, but instead someone who is bound to the earth, Gaia, and ancient natural energies that are in all living things. We attune with these natural energies and feel much more them, when they are by themselves in nature. This is where they go for themselves to recharge, and are overly sensitive to what others say and think about them. These individuals are highly critical and can even be very mean to themselves in a way that is not fair, when others judge them, make fun of them, tease them, because earth angels are sincere. I always try to live by the words, say what you mean, and mean what you say.

These people are easily misunderstood because they are not very common in their ways of thinking, and from the very beginning, Earth Angels go through a lot of shit early on to get their heads straight, and suffer through injustice at a dangerous obnoxious level, and can pick up coping mechanisms that are very unhealthy. But, all so that their soul is ready to help others who are suffering. They live through experience of their own suffering and are great at understanding energies and are the first to know when there is a "...disturbance in the Force." They have a severe passion for helping those who they love, and while Earth Angels don't like violence, or people who fight, they have a great respect for people who have had been through difficult situations because they can feel someone's energy completely and absolutely like they are experiencing the pain of others.

Earth Angels have the positive energy to send out love to the world, feels others problems as their own, cares immensely for others happiness, has the ability to accept others exactly the way that they are. When an earth angel sets their sights on you, and takes an interest in you, its because they see someone with a rare light, a rare soul. If and Earth Angel shows you love an affection they bind a part of their heart to you and you will have that bond and love with them for the rest of your lives. Earth Angels don't abandon people, nor do they forget injured souls. They often think of those that they want to help, and be with, and love.

But sometimes Earth Angels will understand when someone needs to change for themselves, and will give that person the room and tools necessary to realize their own priorities. They can encourage people to have what Tarot Readers call a Tower, moment. And ultimately want to be just a support system for you while you're going through some shit, and growing as a human, and learning life lessons. Earth angels can miss people to the point that it becomes an unhealthy level of stress, and need to find distractions so they aren't constantly worrying about the ones that they love.

The hardest lesson I have learned as an Earth Angel is this, "Everyone is growing and learning and changing at different rates. Just because someone hasn't learned a life lesson that you did, doesn't make them any less of a person. And many people take longer than others to learn lessons like, you cannot change a person, setting healthy boundaries, when someone pushes you away, its not your fault usually, they just didn't understand how I think and feel and communicate. Its hardest to realize that the path someone must walk down sometimes has to be done by themselves, and the Earth Angel just wishes that she could be a support for the person struggling with career, finances, feelings of guilt, anger and resentment.

An Earth angel can forgive, but getting back that trust, is like passing a class. You have to get your shit together and prove to them that you are worthy of their love when you misuse and abuse them. They'll never forget you though. In fact, they'll think of you quite often because they know you'll be happier if you love yourself and be a friend to your spirit. Your soul.

The sooner that people realize that being your own friend and being comfortable who you are, and doing good things to set you up for success is like feeding a pet on time every day the same day. You can learn to trust yourself to say and do the right things, and it absolutely is possible to feel happy. Yes it is. I know. I have that wisdom.

In DND, (Dungeons and Dragons) a tabletop game that is as unique as a fingerprint with those who play ... Knowledge is different than Wisdom. So, ask yourself, what is the difference?

Well, knowledge is information passed down from one person or animal or thing, to another. Basically it is, "He told me that the oven is hot. I trust him to tell me the truth, so I'm going to take his word for it and not touch the oven."

Wisdom is knowing for yourself, that the oven is hot. You touched it, you got burned, therefore you have that wisdom. You know. Not just because you were told, but because you experienced it yourself.

The crazy thing is about Wisdom and Knowledge is, it is just another level of personal experience. People experience things differently. That's why I find it so incredibly interesting to learn other peoples truths, and find out their stories, what they had been through, and how can I make this person happy.

Recently I went through something that scarred me very deeply. I am needing to withdrawal a little bit into myself, and just really give myself a hug because I have been through a lot, and I need to tell myself that everything is going to be ok. My heart spirit was injured, and this has caused me to feel hopeless at first, then sad and depressed, then just crying for others, to the point that people started really worrying if I would be okay. I had friends coming into check in on me, and ended up surviving.

But If I can't help someone, and they must go on their own journey for a while to get their goals, and priorities onto a healthy level, I realize that I can't be with them for this journey, as much as I really really really want to be there for them. But I think of them everyday, and I think about the good things, and how they made my soul happy just being around them. I felt recharged. And they made me grow as well, and question things that I never really had the initial knowledge to understand in the first place.

Tower moments are times in our lives when our personalities, or ways of thinking have to shift in order for us to grow. These life lessons that we as humans have to walk through, are ones that Earth Angels take pride in holding your hand and letting you know that they will always love you, care for you, and do their best to make sure that you know they won't leave you, and you are not alone. An earth angel can suffer and worry about a person more than that person is worried, and the most important qualities to a friendship to an earth angel are honesty, communication, and of course love. They are good at showing others Pure Love, what it is, and how to love yourself.

The love that they show, are understanding, accepting someone exactly the way they are, bringing happiness and joy to others around them. We get bullied because people don't understand that we are helping for the sake of helping.

Altruistic. "/ˌaltro͞oˈistik/ adjective showing a disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others; unselfish. "it was an entirely altruistic act" (borrowed from google dictionary)

Pacifism. pac·i·fism /ˈpasəˌfizəm/ noun the belief that any violence, including war, is unjustifiable under any circumstances, and that all disputes should be settled by peaceful means. "there remains a powerful undercurrent of pacifism" (borrowed from google dictionary)

That we really do feel good when we can make someone smile, or laugh. I myself am not very funny, and enjoy humor that is pure in form. I never liked trickery, or injuring someone's character to take personal pleasure in making someone suffer or feel better to make me feel better. That's not how it works with me. That isn't nice. Sincerity and doing what you say, and being honest with yourself and true to your heart are all qualities that we as Earth Angels like because it is just easier for our soul to be happy. Earth Angels are light workers, and ... "If you had a super power, it would be love." They use light energy to change the world and bring happiness and understanding to those around them. They experience pain and suffering on a larger scale than those around them because they wear their heart on their sleeve, and are easily hurt by those who ever try to hurt an earth angel. Earth Angels can see transformation happening to others, who cant see it, and usually choose to only share their highly intuitive thoughts with those who are very close to them.

Earth Angels can be very artistic. They have a natural ability to work with the arts and spread love and light through their art and their musical ability. Earth angels want everyone to understand each other, and want everyone to be happy. It is possible to have everyone on the same page. It is possible to have everyone be happy, using something called communication.

Opening up your heart when it has been hurt before and scarred is so hard for some people. But earth angels accept this pain and understand it because they bleed for their family and friends in a way that is hard to describe. They are so sensitive to those around them and how they feel.

All I am saying, is that I am 32 now, or 33. I think I'm 32. It changes every year, so I'm not too worried about it. hahaha

Earth angels can see layers of someone's soul by looking and speaking with them. They can tell the sadness and hurt inside someone, and instantly want to make them better. Earth angels are happiest when others are feeling happy, because they feed off of that happy, calm, content energy. And when an Earth angel is kept away from being able to recharge in an environment that is calm happy and content, like a forest or park, that person is more likely to feel overwhelmed, trapped, and stressed out.

Earth Angels shouldn't be confused with Christianity. Most Earth Angels are more prone to believe strongly in energies, what you send out comes back, kahrma, dahrma, and different planes of existence. Earth angels are better at making people feel better, because they truly feel real сочувствие, (seh*choos't*tiah) which translates sort of to empathy, and take great pride in being honest, truthful, and a good friend to others.

Earth angels from my own personal experience, are people who suffer for others, and are a good player two. They seek approval from other people quite often. Not because they can't think for themselves, but because they just want everyone to get along. These people are chameleons and can adapt to other peoples waves of energies and attitudes, in order to better understand someone. They are not trying to be unique and original, they already check those boxes. They just try to understand, provide aid, friendship and good mental health and love to those who are hurting. Earth angels are good to talk to if you need someone to listen to. They'll think about you all the time, and do little things for you to remind you that they care, and they hope you are happy. Earth angels use PURE UNBIASED LOVE AND AFFECTION to express themselves, and are very stern that you shouldn't use people.

Earth Angels kind of keep to themselves. Taking on other people's problems like their own can be very draining, and if you have the attention of an earth angel, they will cry over you, and look into how to help you (on multiple planes tbh) if you ever are suffering uncontrollably or super upset that its affecting your BA. (spirit soul energy) If you have the love from an Earth Angel, they will always love you no matter what, no matter how much you hurt them. They are understanding and extremely sensitive to many things. When Earth angels are injured in their BA, from someone hurting them intentionally, it is the worst thing that you can do to this person because it leaves a very deep deep scar. But they'll always love you, and they'll always listen to you and be there for you if you reach out to them.

Earth angels are said to be put on this earth to help others understand their soul's connection with the world around them and often remind and show others that there can be a very strong natural and grounding, warm hug energy from the earth, being outside, and the natural energies of the world around them. They are open to the world's energies and often seek out questions on a spiritual level, not to be confused with a religious level, as there is a very big difference between using tools to help you vs. adopting someone else's way of thinking. They like to think for themselves, but learn all they can from others. And they can be naturally good at learning other languages because they've made it their goal to understand and help others ... through understanding itself. One great way to learn about other peoples understanding is through Communication, Understanding, Listening, and learning healthy grounding ways to connect someone's BA, to their environment.

Earth angels are artistically talented but do best in careers where they can work closely with people in order to make them feel better, where they can have one on one connections with people. Earth angels are rare, and usually were people who put up with an unusual amount of pain growing up, and bullied, and who have suffered a lot, and just don't understand or like it when people are mean to others.

They're not perfect. Their not in human. They still have all the problems as someone else, but they know the more that you can understand what it is that is bothering you, the more Wisdom you gain, and the happier and more grounded you can be. Imagine being content and happy with yourself on a very very deep level. <3

I hope you have a good day. I love you, and hope today you do something to remind you to love yourself. I hope you smile today, and really feel it. *hugs*

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multisuperfandom · 4 years ago

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Omega

Part 2 of The True Omega series

Summary: You’ve known him almost your entire life. You were close enough to call acquaintances, but not nearly close enough to be called friends. Then again, you weren’t close enough with anyone to call them friends. You were an omega. The absolute definition of an omega. Being born out of an affair, your mother, one of the greatest alphas ever seen, Talia Hale, rejected you. Your father, her former emissary, and almost all of your half siblings hated you for it. You ran away from Beacon Hills when you were 13, after the abuse you had gotten from your father became too much. But the news of an alpha in your home town has lured you back. An alpha comes with a pack, and now the boy you were never close enough with, is a freshly bitten beta. Now you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Between helping the boy you always wanted to be friends with, and finally having a pack. What will you do?

Pairing: Scott McCall x Reader Warnings: angst, language, depressed reader, loneliness, mentions of attempted sexual assault

Character: Stiles Stilinski, Lydia Martin, Allison Argent, Derek Hale, Alan Deaton

Word count: 2k

Tags: @nostalthicc

A/N: I don’t follow the stories exact story line.

~~~~~~~

“Scott, breathe,” you whisper while holding his shoulder. You two were trying to teach Scott control while on the lacrosse field. The game was tonight and he wasn’t at all ready for it. But he started losing control and you were pretty sure he was going to murder you.“Scott, you need to breathe. Calm down.”

“I don’t know how!” He yells, backing up and breaking your hold on him. His eyes are a bright yellow and the fur on his cheeks are starting to come in.

“Listen to my voice.”

“Ok.” He is breathing heavily.

“Everything is ok. You are gonna be able to completely control yourself one day. Even on a full moon. I just know it.”

“How?”

“We all go through this.” You start walking closer to him. Thankfully he isn’t backing up this time. “We all have to learn and be taught.”

Still breathing heavily, he nods.

“You know, Derek was terrible at control when he was young.”

“He was?”

“Yeah,” you laugh, remembering the times when he would get caught running around town in nothing but tennis shoes on the full moon. “Absolutely terrible at it.”

“Who ways the best?”

“Probably, Laura, Derek’s older sister.”

“The one we found in the woods?” You paused. Somehow in the chaoticness of everything that’s happened in the past couple of days, you forgot that Laura was dead. She’s dead. Of course, for the past two years, you were so mad at her for rejecting you. But she was your sister. She was your blood.

Now she’s dead.

“Yeah, her.” You took a step back like you were trying to step away from any talk of Laura. Before you can back up more, Scott stops you.

“Please, talk some more,” He begs with his hand on your arm.

Nodding you whisper, “You need to keep your heart rate down to stop the shift.”

“How do I do that?”

“You find what we call an anchor or a nice thought that will make you feel safe and calm.” You whisper, getting close to him again. Touching his cheek, you remember all the times you wanted to be held while you were going through a shift. “Or at least make you feel strong enough to control yourself.”

“A thought?!” He yells as he felt himself lose control again. You scramble back, hoping to not ruin one of your only good shirts.

“A thought, a memory, a person. Anything!” You yell back, trying to get to him before he finally loses control.

“What’s yours?”

“My dad,” you whisper softly. “And my mom, and Laura, and an alpha who told me I was too weak for his pack.”

“Why?” He looks at you with his golden eyes and you remember a time when you had golden eyes. A time when you were young and innocent and the weight of your world hadn’t settled itself on your chest. Now your eyes are blue and your soul tainted. The innocence is gone and the weight so heavy some days, you forget how to breathe.

“Everyone who has ever told me I wasn’t good enough for them, everyone who made me feel worthless.”

He screams, gripping his head. “You need to think. What is your anchor?”

It takes a few moments but eventually his breathing becomes lighter and his eyes were a chocolate brown again. You sighed and gave a little laugh making him give you a funny look.

“What?” He asks.

“I thought you were gonna kill me for a second,” you laugh stepping closer to him. You were about to hug him when you saw something from the corner of your eye. Turning, you see a very confused Allison Argent standing by the bleachers. Looking back at Scott, you can see a look of regret on his face. His anchor is Allison. That’s why he calmed down when she came out. Of course it was Allison. She’s pretty and smart and popular. You were nothing compared to her. You were small and quiet and alone. All she’s known is friends and family, and all you’ve know is being pushed away and forgotten. Who can blame him for wanting her and not you?

“I-I was supposed to study with her,” he whispers, scratching his neck. You nod before taking a step back. You give him a small smile to tell him it’s ok. He returns the smile and runs over to her.

Sighing, you watch them leave.

You’re alone again.

~~~~~~~

“What are you doing out here?” A familiar voice asks you as you were studying calculus in the hallway. Tilting your head, you see a very concerned Stiles standing over you.

“I had a free period and nothing better to do, so I’m studying,” You chuckle before continuing to read your textbook and notes. Ignoring the sounds of shuffling, you assume that Stiles left. You were wrong. He sat down next to you and started reading your notes with you.

“I thought you and Scott were on the lacrosse field.”

“He found something better to do.” Stiles nods, letting the silence fill the space again, which was probably the hardest thing for him to do. Unfortunately for you, it only lasts a few moments.

“What’s more important than learning to not kill people on the full moon?” He ponders.

“Allison Argent.”

“oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault, stiles.” You say shortly, hoping that you can get back to your silence. But your hopes were gone when you hear the sound of giggles and footsteps from down the hall.

Lydia Martin and her boyfriend, Jackson, come running down the hall. They stop in front of the couch’s office before Lydia pushes Jackson inside. Stiles visibly flinches when the sound of the door slamming shut echoes.

“You still hopelessly and helplessly in love with Lydia Martin?” You ask partly as a joke and partly because you want to know. Stiles gives a little laugh before turning to look at you.

“You still hopelessly and helplessly in love with Scott McCall?” In return you laugh too.

“I guess we are just both a couple of hopeless and helpless idiots,” you whisper with your eyes on the couch’s door. Were Scott and Allison doing the same, somewhere else in the school? “Who needs love when all it does is hurt you?”

Stiles sighs, grabbing your hand and holding it in his, he let you have your quiet again.

But this is Stiles we are talking about, and how long can he go without saying anything?

“Are you coming to the game tonight?”

“I-I don’t know stiles.”

“Please, please, for me? At least, come for me.” You nod, smiling at the spastic boy beside you.

~~~~~~

Scott and Stiles’ team were down by five with two minutes left. You can hear the faint heartbeats of the players, smell the sweat dripping off of them and adrenaline pumping in their veins. You hated lacrosse games. Too much is happening and you don’t know what to do.

“Scott is right there.” You hear someone whispering from across the bleachers. Allison Argent. And she’s brought her entire family with her. Her entire family, who have all tried to kill at least a dozen times. Your heart starts beating frantically. You need to get out of here. If they see you, they will try to kill you again. And you're weaker now than you were the last time you had a run-in with them. Your senses are not nearly as strong as they are supposed to be. You won’t survive if they come after you.

Just as you are about to get up, you make eye contact with Scott. He tilts his head in the way that a puppy does when they are confused. You are certain he can hear your heart beating and can smell your fear. You quickly make the realization that Stiles asked you to come for Scott, he needs you here.

“It’s ok, I’m ok, just keep playing,” you whisper into your hand so that the Argent can’t see that you are talking but Scott can hear you. He mutters back a quick response before darting off down the field. Watching him play, you make a wish that you hope and pray will come true. You wish that when you find the alpha that he will let you into his pack with Scott.

“Maison,” you hear someone else whisper. “I think Scott is losing control.”

Stiles.

Your eyes search for Scott. He should’ve scored two balls but everyone was avoiding him even though he was wide open. His chest was rising and falling rapidly, his hands gripping his stick like it was going to take away all his anger. Stiles was right, he’s losing control.

“Scott,” You mutter into your hands again. “You need to find your anchor. Let it ground you and remind you that you are strong enough to maintain control.”

He doesn’t respond for a while, probably trying to control his breathing. Trying and failing.

“Keep talking,” he grunts.

“Scott, you’re not a monster. You’re a werewolf.” You lay your head into your hands. “Not all monsters do monstrous things. But if you lose control, then you will become a monster. You will kill someone.”

“What do your eyes mean?” He asks and from the way that he says it, you can tell that he’s wanted to ask it for a while. “Derek has the same eyes. Is it because you are a different type of werewolf?”

“I am a different type of werewolf,” you sigh. “Derek and I were born as werewolves. But our eyes don’t represent that. Our eyes mean that we did do monstrous things.”

“What did you do?”

“Scott, please.” You don’t want to tell him. He won’t look at you the same anymore.

“Please, your talking is helping.”

“I-I,” you stutter, “My dad used-used to beat the shit out of me. He would hit me, kick me, break my legs or arms, burn me. One day after he beat me so bad I couldn’t move, he brought over some friends. There were nine of them, ten including my dad. They-they tried to-to...”

You couldn’t finish. Most nights you remember what happened in your dreams. Most nights you wake up screaming and crying. It haunts you to this day.

“I was thirteen-years-old, Scott. I was so scared. I just lost control. I blacked out and when I woke up, they were all dead. I had ripped them apart. Every single one of them, including my dad.”

Scott was completely silent.

“I ran away after that. I went to New York to follow Derek and Laura.” You hope silently that he doesn’t hate you now. “But-but Laura rejected me from her pack. I’ve been alone almost my entire life. There were about six months when I lived with my mom but she died in the hale fire, so I had to go back to my dad.”

He doesn’t respond for a while.

“Maison, I don’t think that he’s calming down!” Stiles calls out to you as the timer goes off.

“Get him into the locker room,” You say when you run onto the field to help. Everyone else disbanded so it was safe. “Come one, let’s go.”

~~~~

“Scott, calm down!” You yell while You and Stiles hold Scott under the spray of the shower. Scott roars and starts thrashing around. “Find your anchor!”

“I’m gonna rip them apart,” He yells.

“No, Scott! They are innocent! They didn’t do anything wrong!” You yell back, struggling to hold him.

“Yes, they did! I’m going to kill all of them!”He struggles against your’s and Stiles’ hold.

“Stiles, on three let him go, ok?”

“ok.”

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

#werewolf #werewolves #scott mccall #scott mccall x reader #scott mccall fanfiction #fanfic #lydia martin #stiles stilinski #teen wolf

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scribeofseshat · 4 years ago

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Okay. Long post time. The Mental Illness thing.

TW: Psychological abuse, gaslighting, child abuse, internalised ableism

A few months ago, something changed in my mental state, and I was forced to acknowledge something I'd been denying hard for years. At the time, this was probably the most terrifying thing I'd dealt with in my mental health journey. This is about to get really heavy so... You've been warned.

I was abused as a child. A lot. For a very long time. From a very young age. The more I learn about my trauma and abuse, the more I realise it probably began far earlier than I consider it to have. I acknowledge the existence of trauma and abuse from age 4 (even if I don't directly remember most of it), but its possible, even likely, that it started at age 2, or even earlier. I was around 5 when my parents decided to get me psychologically tested. I have no memory of this but that doesn't mean much; what few memories I have from the time are enough that it's plausible. Allegedly, this led to a proposal that I had "Multiple Personality Disorder" (this was back in the early-mid 90's, only a couple years after MPD stopped being used officially so it was still what everyone knew about). My parents ran with this (with reason or not), and used it to justify more abuse. Being punished for things I didn't do wasn't new, but it was justified with claims of "it was your evil alter ego, so of course you don't remember it". Were they right? I have no idea. It's not really relevant tbh. This episode ultimately left me completely terrified that I did in fact have "multiple personalities".

The truth is

A few months ago, for reasons I still don't understand, (maybe a breakthrough in my CPTSD? Hopefully its that, because that would mean its positive progress and not getting worse) I was suddenly confronted with decades of denial and repression of my experiences. I couldn't deny this time.

My world turned upside down.

The voices I could hear. Not me, but within me.

All the times they asked me about my thoughts or what I was doing.

All the times I'd referred to myself in third person, answering them.

All the times I'd watched my body perform tasks while these conversations happened.

All the times when my life didn't feel like my own.

All the times when my thoughts didn't feel like my own.

All the times knowing something happened but having no memory of it.

All the times catching myself using plural pronouns to refer to "only" myself.

I couldn't deny any of that any more.

Admitting it to myself was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I am multiple.

The following few weeks were the most terrifying of my life.

I was confronted with the reality that my parents were right about 1 detail, whether on official advisement or otherwise: I do have multiple identities. That the gaslighting may have just been facts I didn't want to accept. If they were right about that, what else were they right about? Did I actually do the things they said I did? Did I actually deserve the punishment they gave? Does it matter?

It doesn't matter.

I remember an internal shouting match. Some voices wanting to go slow, another wanted to come forward to help...

Part of me, possibly another alter (and I've got a good idea who), knew or suspected for years, and could start collecting information and observations, comparing the known symptoms and experience against other possibilities and others' experiences.

As it became clearer that my reality was... Well... My reality, it became easier to accept that even if my parents were right about this one detail, it didn't mean they were right about anything else, or that I deserved what they put me through. I could speak my truth, and it didn't mean that anything else was true. The most insidious form of gaslighting manipulates a core of truth, a single fact, that lends credibility to the rest of the lies and manipulations.

I am multiple.

We survived.

I don't know if its DID or OSDD. I'm pretty sure its not BPD... Everyone's too distinct. Everyone is internal, just... Distinct. I need to see my psych, and talk this all through with her. I know only 1 thing for certain: I am multiple. That is my truth.

It's why I can forget all details of a day, or an event, immediately after. It's why I, or rather, some alters, feel like my life belongs to someone else. It's why the most happy and stress free we've ever been was the first month on campus, immediately before everything closed for COVID - a blank slate life, no one to know if we're behaving different, no pressure to act like the same person. Not fearing someone walking in on a conversation.

I first discovered DID as a possibility when it was first suggested that I have CPTSD and/or a dissociative disorder (thanks to significant overlap in symptoms and frequent co-morbidity). I immediately rejected it and denied any sign of it, accepting no more than the possibility that "I almost developed DID". I was terrified of the possibility, or that people would think I was schizophrenic (internalised ableism is a bitch). Accepting it as a very real possibility is hard, terrifying, but I hope a sign of healing. I don't know if this is better or worse; my point of reference to before can hardly be called reliable.

I still fear that im wrong. That I'm not multiple and just... Idk... Mentally ill? Seems counterintuitive. I'm afraid that I'm mentally ill, not mentally ill?

I need to talk about this properly, but financially I can't access my psych at the moment. I'm terrified to tell her any of this. I don't know how to bring it up. I don't know how to explain any of this to her. I just... Need to talk about it. Need to know that this is real.

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saundraswriting · 4 years ago

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Interior Designer Chapter 5: Dinner

SUMMARY:You join the Avengers for dinner, part because you want to and partly because Tony wouldn't take no for an answer. You meet the others who expected to stay at the compound. Steve and Bucky talk. Your work habits make an appearance.

WARNINGS: Bucky and Steve both deal with intense emotions. Also I allude a bit to the reader's backstory. You have been shunned of sorts from a very wealthy family, you were forced to develop skills to better yourself to be of more value to your parents. so there are some references to a sense of familial detachment, I am not writing it as abuse because the reader is well cared for but her parents are hard to please and distant.

NOTES: This is an everyone lives/no one dies, Living in the compound, Non Civil War compliant, No Sokovian Accords AU.

Previous / Next

"No we haven't. My name is F/N :L/N. I just accepted an offer from Ms. Potts to be an Interior decorator for the compound. I'll work with each one of you to decorate and settle your rooms how you like. Then I'll also be in charge of the other living areas of the compound. My official title is Quartermaster of the Avengers." You spoke to everyone, looking at those who you see.

"I am called Vision. This is Wanda Maximoff and her brother Pietro Maximoff." Vison pointed to the two in front of you.

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Vision, Ms. Maximoff and Mr. Maximoff." You smiled at the three of them.

"We are roughly the same age, surely you can use our first names." Wanda told you. You nodded in agreement.

"You can just call me anytime, baby." Sam winked at you from his position to your right. His charming smile shrunk ever so slightly at you lack of response. "Huh? You playing hard to get?" His smile gained strength.

"Nope, just got standards, bird-boy." You teased with a wiggle of your eyebrows. Laughter rang around the table, the hardest coming from your left. Steve and Bucky were laughing outright, making pride grow in your chest. You made the team laugh and smile.

"Oh, how you wound me!" Sam clapped a hand to his chest in mock horror.

"She is good. Keep that sense of humor, making fun of Sam is a sure fired way to get on the good side of some people." Steve said.

"Not that I am conceited or anything but I don't need an introduction." Tony said. He was on Sam's right across from Natasha. You shook your head.

"I think not. I have already met you, Captain Rogers, Sargent Barnes, and Mr. Wilson. I also knew Dr. Banner from university. I went to a science classes for color and light theory things. He is a well-rounded source with his 7 Ph.Ds." You smiled fondly at the man at the head of the table. "I know of Mr. Barton and Ms. Romanov. I was very impressed with your abilities during the Battle of New York. I will admit I didn't follow the news avidly after that until D.C and even then very infrequently."

"Call me Clint please." He told you. You smiled and shook your head. 'Maybe one day, you deserve the respect I can give you. But you can call me Y/N.' You signed to him fluently. His eyes widened in surprise and a twinkle lit up his eyes.

"I know half dozen languages fluently. and several less so; French, Spanish, German, Italian, Japanese, Russian, Chinese, Portuguese, Hindu, Greek, ASL." You told everyone, you wanted full transparency on your part. They were the Avengers, least you could do was help them relax around you, let them drop their guard.

"Well, aren't you just full of surprises." Natasha murmured, leaning her head on her hand. She was peering at you closely, examining you. Your honesty only increased her suspicion.

You shrugged, debating on talking about it on night number one. 'full transparency, be honest.' you thought to yourself. "Many are not by my own doing. I was a member a very haughty family. I was forced to use every opportunity to earn something that could be used to better market myself to the highest bidder. I used everything I was forced to learn to get myself out before I was married off." You spoke to the middle distance, trying to push down the memories of your home life. The emotionlessness of your parents, the words used to make you feel like a burden, the endless hours of schooling, the punishments for being wrong or vocal. You spoke with no emotion, trying not to let through more than what you wanted at the moment. Some things were not meant for dinnertime conversation.

You visibly shook yourself, shifting away from the maudlin thoughts. "I don't mean to be depressing during dinner. I promise, Ms. Romanov, I mean you or your family any harm. I understand your suspicion, it has kept you alive until now." You smiled warmly at the redhead, not bothered by the behavior. She at least had the manners to look sheepishly at you.

Seeing everyone was just about done, there was leftovers. Which was strange to you, you figured they would eat everything. "Why don't you all do your movie thing-team bonding or whatever? I will clean up and make my way to my room. I still have some work I want to work on." You stood up clearing you place setting. Most of the others got up and moved to the living room to discuss options for the nights. You went back to the table, fully intending to clean up but Bucky and Steve both were shaking their heads at you.

"Not happening. Our ma's would be rolling in their graves." Steve said.

"No guest of ours is cleaning up from a meal let alone a dame like you. We got this." Bucky said. They used their immense bulk to block the table from you. Bucky even guiding you past him by the small of your back with his right hand.

You stared at them with narrowed eyes, unsure. "Fine. This is the only time I will tolerate this. I am now an employee, specifically Tony's but by associate yours. I will not accept this forced chivalry laying down. You can't make me." You walked past the table to join the others.

Bucky looked at you with an innocent look on his face, his tired eyes almost ruining it, but you could see his hair was clean and his scruff looked a little better. "Wouldn't dream of it. Now shoo." Bucky nudged you with his flesh hand.

"Good job Bucky. That was well done. Now let's hurry so we can go sit. You handled a full conversation with her exquisitely. Also you initiated touch. That is a lot of progress not just for today but in general." Steve said as they pitched empty cartons.

"I know, I am actually kind of worried. She is able to just make me forget. Like it is just so easy with her to be human. Don't get me wrong, I am tired. She might make it easy but I still have the consequences to deal with. Just since I met her, my thoughts have been racing. I reach out to touch her and forget I killed so many people.. I could hurt her or anyone if I forget a the wrong time." Bucky admitted.

"Yeah, you are human Buck. You need to accept and learn to move on. That is what the therapy is for. You hurt and killed people, yes, but that wasn't you. You aren't the only one here that could hurt her, I could, Sam could, Thor could, especially if we had to work through what you have to. I hate to tell you Bucky, there is no 'I am fixed' moment. You work at it every day all day. Everything takes time. And we all will be here to help you." Steve rested a hand on his friend's shoulder, squeezing when he wasn't shrugged off.

The two men finished cleaning up, packing up the leftovers and labeling them. They cleaned the table and put the dishes in the restaurant grade dishwasher. Once done, Steve stood by the living room Buck looking between the couches and the doorway to his room.

"If you want to duck out, no one will judge." Steve said.

"I think I might. I am tired. It has been a long day. I don't want to push it too far." Bucky was apologetic.

"That is perfectly okay. Knowing your limits is important too." Steve said.

"Then yes, I am turning in. I want to end on a high note, not taint my good day by having a bad night. I haven't had human-to-human contact for days and Y/N's comment about not needed to protect you got me twisted up. I need some time to just be." Bucky rubbed the back of his head, not looking at Steve. He was hesitating. Steve waited patiently.

"I don't resent you. I don't resent you because you got bigger. I don't resent you for me falling or moving on. I resent the assholes that made me into their puppet. I resent them from taking 70 years from me to use me like a plaything. I resent them for taking away the things about me that I knew." Bucky's hands were trembling ever so slightly. Steve felt his heart break all over again. "I know mentally-I understand-that you don't need me mother-henning you till the cows come home, I get that. That doesn't mean that I don't miss it. I also know that you are a dumbass punk who has only survived by being lucky. I am trying to relearn a lot of things. Shuri, Wanda and everyone have been more than helpful in re-wiring my brain. The hardest part sometimes is seeing Stevie and Steve at the same time, seeing you then and you now. I was your family then and you went and built one. I don't resent you or hate you, I am a little jealous sure. Of them. Of you." Bucky's eyes were wet again, breath shuddering in his chest. Steve felt his eyes grow wet, vision swimming from tears. He took a deep, shaky breath. He needed Bucky to hear this, to know this.

"James Buchanan Barnes, no matter what. No. Matter. What. You belong next to me. You are my family. They are my family. And if you want, they are your family. We found each other and built this family with our own hands. It won't happen right away. It will take time. Gods, I needed like five years before I got even slightly used to everything. You aren't alone. You'll never be alone again." Steve pulled Bucky into a tight breath-squeezing hug.

Bucky tucked his head into Steve's shoulder and squeezed back. He and Steve muttering soothing words into each other's ear, trying to not cry to hard. "Thank you Steve. For everything." Bucky pulled away after the lengthy hug. "I am definitely going to bed now. Night, punk." Bucky made his way to the entry way of his hallway calling out good nights to the others. They answered in kind-abet distractedly.

"Good night, Sargent Barnes. Sleep well." Your voice was firm and focused. You wanted him to know you meant it.

Steve came into the living room once Bucky left, you stood up right away.

"Y/N." Steve called. You went over. Steve grabbed your hand. "Thank you. Bucky and I had a heart-to-heart, a really nice one. We haven't really talked about anything of importance because I don't want to upset him and he doesn't wasn't to upset me. You helped him through a lot of things today, without even trying. He had been struggling with some of it for while now. You probably know that recovery isn't a straight line." You could see he had been crying, eyes were red and puffy, voice thick.

"I am glad to help. I don't know much about what happened, I felt you were in the right. I do feel bad though because I overstepped boundaries. Even if it helped him in the end. I also certainly didn't mean to trigger him." You help up a hand to stop Steve from speaking. "Captain Rogers, I very much did trigger him in the kitchen this afternoon. He was frozen and distant and crying. Subconsciously, my comment triggered an issue that had been hounding him for a while. It brought a lot to the conscious mind and he needed time to deal with it.

"I won't argue with you. I will tell you for the first time ever, my best friend gave me a hug. I have been waiting 70 plus years for that. He talked to me, about what he has been feeling. I want to thank you. I got parts of him I thought I would never see again. I know-because of you today-Bucky will be just fine." Steve squeezed your hand.

"Just in the span of today? I knew Sargent Barnes would be fine. With a family like yours, there was no doubt." You squeezed back, grinning. "Now, the kitchen is cleaned and I can go back to work." You pulled away but were stopped by Steve lightly yanking your arm.

"Um, No. It is movie time. Not working time." Clint said.

"I am an official SI employee. With a very important job to do. I have to get a head start on it." You tried to get away again. Steve stopped you once more.

"Nope, you didn't sign anything today. You are just a guess for now. So sit down and watch the movie and then if you want you can work again." Steve pulled you down to sit next to him, closer than socially acceptable. Steve knew that you were now one of his. He would protect you and care for you like the family he sees you as. "I hope you know that you are now unofficially a member of my family and I don't take that lightly." Steve whispered into your hair.

You huffed a laugh and relaxed. You and the others watched the movie and it was far from quietly, everyone making comments and jokes. Once it was over the others scattered, you headed back to the table to get some work done. You usually worked late and got up early, so this was not too far from usually. You had some trends that you wanted to research. A favorite designer of yours was releasing a new line of furniture. Time passed, you were switching from laptop, tablet, and notebook. You were focused but could feel yourself fading.

You were debating on pushing harder or trying to find your room when Sargent Barnes came into the kitchen.

"Y/N, you're still up?" He asked grabbing a bottle of water. His hair was in a very messy bun and clothes were rumpled.

You opened you mouth to answer him but were cut off by your own yawn. "Oh, that's how it is." he chuckled. "Come on, lets get you to bed. I am cutting you off for the night." He very carefully shut your laptop with his metal hand. The low lights glinting attractively off the black and gold vibranium.

"My w'rk." You slurred. Bucky looked up and shook his head.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y saved it. She told me that Tony also moved your room next to mine." Bucky placed his flesh hand on your back guiding you down the hallway and to your room. The door opened upon arrival, you stepped in.

"Cheers, Sargent Banres." You stumbled into you room the door cutting off the sight of you. Bucky shook his head again.

"Good night, doll." Bucky walked next door, getting back into bed with a smile on his face.

Previous / Next

*******************************************************************************************

Okay, last update for a while. My vacation ends soon and I am out of pre-witten stuff. Let me know what you are thinking okay?

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #protective Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes fluff #recovered bucky barnes #bucky barnes in recovery #avengers family #domestic avengers #avengers fanfiction #saundraswriting #saundrasays

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magaprima · 4 years ago

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Part 2 Episode 6 Analysis (3/?) (i.e the horrible scene where Adam is served on a plate)

And now we come to That Dinner. Firstly, the table has been set, the vegetables cooked and prepared, the candles lit, and that’s a lot of small details and there’s music and everything’s just clearly prepared for a romantic meal, and while I know Lucifer clearly wanted to lure Lilith into a false sense of security, I can’t imagine him being someone to ever have the patience to do all that and to make it right, to make ti feel genuinely sweet and romantic. So the torturous part of me thinks that he killed Adam in the cottage, or in the garden, possibly while Adam was making dinner, so all these preparations were Adam’s, but then Lucifer killed him and made him the main course. But regardless, this does mean, as Lilith is eating a cooked steak, that Lucifer went to the effort of not just killing Adam, but getting him into a sizeable portion that fit in Mary’s oven? Side note: Mary must get a new oven if Lilith didn’t already rip the thing out. Second side note; where was the rest of Adam’s body? What did Lucifer do with it?

“You are a man of many talents, Adam; this roast is delicious”

This line kills me for two reasons. The way she says ‘many talents’ suggests she has seen his other talents, that she’s gotten to know him so well that she knows his skills, she knows what he’s good at. It also nicely implies some sexual/romantic gifts. The other reason this line kills me is that she thinks the roast is delicious, in a way that suggests it’s extra delicious, more so than usual....and it’s just, in retrospect (or in foreshadowing for that matter), the confirmation that Lilith feasts on male flesh. She doesn’t eat it, it’s not something she has to have to survive like a vampire with blood, it’s something she feasts on (her own choice of words) which is to say it’s something she indulges in, it’s a treat, it’s something she really enjoys. And the fact Lucifer knows this about her, and knows how much she’ll enjoy the taste because of how much she enjoys feasting on male flesh, and uses it against her, knowing that not only would she be horrified to realise who she is eating but that it would likely permanently ruin her enjoyment of feasting on male flesh permanently (as it is interesting we never see her eat human again after this episode)...is just such a specifically cruel way to torment and punish her.

“I promised you deliciousness once upon a time”

Lilith is so blissfully content and blissfully ignorant in that contentment, she totally misses the clue in that line. The promise of deliciousness, the phrase, the implication it is, is always tied to Satan.....yet she doesn’t even blink, she’s too happy and satisfied in this little world she believes she still has.

Now when Lucifer!Adam says ‘Dessert is your reward for saying yes to Tibet’, the first time I watched it and we didn’t know Adam was dead, I immediately had the thought of ‘oh so now we’re seeing who the real Adam is, that he’s not as nice as he’s appeared, we’re going to find out he’s controlling and abusive’, because that phrase was so out of character for Adam. It was the sort of demanding thing he never does, and it’s like even when Lucifer is pretending to be Adam he can’t manage to mimic him right, because Adam respects women and respected Lilith and would never imply such a demand-and-reward attitude. And you do see Lilith pause at this, as if thinking it odd or dislikeable herself. Which is why she stares at him and says ‘I haven’t said yes yet’ in her usual defiant way.

Yet, when Lucifer!Adam replies ‘but....you’re going too’, she reconsiders and seems to think that rather than being demanding it was simply Adam knowing her well enough to have already guessed her answer, and this reveals a lot about her feelings for Adam, how much she loved him. She presumes he knows her that well now, because she feels that open and free with him, she may not have told him her real name, but she isn’t acting like anyone but herself, the ‘new Mary’ he believes he’s seeing is just Lilith without much filter at all. So therefore, he knows her in her opinion. Then it also tells us that she loves him and knows him so much that she knows he wouldn’t ever demand anything of her, he would never hold something over her head, so she therefore ‘knows’ it can only be that he’s teasing her. Which would have been true....if Adam wasn’t actually fucking Lucifer.

And it’s in that moment, that moment when she thinks she’s realised he knows her so well and she’s come to the conclusion she also knows him, and it’s this knowing-each-other-respectful-love that she makes her decision about Tibet. She takes a huge breath, she pauses, she sets her wine down; we are in no doubt that this is not an easy or sudden decision for Lilith, this is a big deal. She knows in saying yes to Tibet she is giving up being Satan’s right hand (or left hand as they’ve said in the show), she is giving up playing her role in the prophecy, she is giving up Lucifer, and most importantly, she knows she is giving up the throne. That is a huge fucking deal. And she is giving it up, because for the first time in her life, Lilith has a choice for happiness. Before she’s had choices between freedom and prison, death and survival, power and powerlessness, this is the first time ‘happy’ has been part of the choice, and when given a choice between happiness and power...she’s choosing happiness. And that says a lot about her character and her true nature. And it’s such a big fucking deal.

And the moment she says ‘Yes, I am’ and takes a bite, is the moment the audience gets a flash of what’s to come. It’s a single frame, a glimse of the future that lasts no more than a single frame of a second, showing Adam’s head and Satan sat at the table. We know the truth before Lilith does, which is like saying ‘this is a joke on her. this entire conversation was a farce at her expense’. But it’s so quick, you don’t really see it unless you freeze frame by frame, it’s subliminal, giving us the sense something is very wrong as we then hear the unnatural crunch to Lilith’s bite and we see her pull out the enchanted ring

"How did that get in there?”

Okay, let me just cry at this line. Lilith says this so breathless with genuine confusion, she’s so bewildered because she cannot understand what’s happening. Lilith is usually the first to click about what’s going on, she’s also a very suspicious person, and as Ambrose says she notices everything, but right now, despite every sign telling her something is horribly wrong, she’s oblivious. She was that content in her little happy bubble that she forgot for a moment that Lucifer is an abusive arsehole who murders people and tortures her to keep her in her place. She was so lost in her feelings about Adam, and the hope of having a new, free life, and of going to Tibet, that she briefly thought she lived in a world without the Dark Lord. And it’s just so freaking innocent; the way she says it is one of those flashes we get of the way Lilith was in the beginning. The innocent, hopefully, yet strong and rebellious Lilith from the beginning, the one who had yet to suffer betrayals.

Even when she sees his clawed hands, even when she looks up and looks straight in the Dark Lord’s face, it doesn’t click straight away. She’s surprised, she’s fearful, but the penny still hasn’t fully dropped. She’s in a state of denial, as if subconsciously, she still naively hopes that Adam is somewhere else, that he’s just at the shops while Satan is here tormenting her. just like when he spoke to her that night, threatening her, while Adam was in bed, utterly oblivious to it all.

And then you see the fear deepening in her eyes as she glances down at the table, and I think, even before Lucifer lifts the platter, she’s already starting to finally realise why the steak tasted like it did, and how the ring got into her meal, but she still doesn’t want to confirm it. You see how much she tries not to look at the platter, but it’s unavoidable....and then she can’t take her eyes away. And you can physically see her trying not to try, she is trying her hardest to hold back her sobs and, what I suspect, would be a scream of horror. She doesn’t want to give Lucifer the satisfaction, it’s a knee-jerk habit she undoubtedly has learned over the millennia to show as little weakness as possible, but this is really testing her. You can see the horror on her face and you can also see her heart slowly breaking in two, you can physically feel it. Everything she thought she had, everything she was counting on all of thirty seconds ago, just thirty fucking seconds, has all be taken away, violently, cruelly and deliberately. And then, what is both more heartbreaking and also interesting, is we see her horror start to turn to panic. She starts breathing erratically, because not only is she having to face this horror before her, but she also has Lucifer’s words in her ears, reminding her of what it all means:

“Our bond is eternal. Our bond is unbreakable. There is no escape to Tibet or anywhere else”

He is telling her that no matter what he does to her, no matter how he treats her, no matter how she changes her mind, no matter how her desires may change, no matter how she might want other things, no matter what she does, no matter whether she wants to serve him or not, no matter whether she wants to be with him or not, she has no choice. There is a bond between them that is eternal and unbreakable. Two interesting choice of words, as we know witches and warlocks sign the Book of the Beast as part of a contract, but it’s never said to be eternal or unbreakable, and from what we saw at Sabrina’s trial we know there are loopholes. We also know that Lilith never signed the book and was a witch in her own right, so any bond between them was never in exchange for power. So the fact there is a bond between them at all should be something self made. But the fact it is an eternal and unbreakable bond tells us it’s something beyond the norm, it’s something deeper than signing a Book, it’s something bigger than family, or even King or Queen, it is something ancient and powerful. Their stories are entwined, and Lucifer uses this to his abusive advantage. But the language choice is so interesting and revealing, and is perhaps the more mystical way of saying what Lilith qualified as ‘co-dependent’.

He is also telling her that he knew precisely what Tibet was for her, he know she wants to escape, he knows her thoughts have changed, that her ambitious and priorities have shifted and that her loyalty has wavered and is waning also, he knows exactly what Tibet meant to her on every level, and Lilith is realising as she listens that as he has taken Tibet away, he will take away anything else she ever tries. He is reminding her that she is trapped. And as she looks at Adam’s severed head, she is seeing the person who respected her and made her feel happy and genuinely free has been ripped from her life, and all she is left with once more is nothing but her abuser.

“Now, clear your plate of the mortal”

This instruction is horrendous. We don’t see her following this order, we only know that she does by the vomiting scene. But after telling her precisely what is on her plate, he makes her eat it. Bear in mind, she canonically states that Adam was the ‘one thing’ that she loved, bear in mind that we saw her excessively happy with him in the previous scene, bear in mind she was a minute ago planning to run off to Tibet with him, and she is being made to look at his severed head on the table, his dead eyes staring at her, while she eats a steak made of his fucking torso. She is made to clean her fucking plate. That is trauma that not even the rightful Queen of Hell is going to get over any time soon (hence why she broke into fucking horrified panic in Part 3). But thankfully, we’re spared seeing that scene.....all we watch is the moment where Lilith finally breaks.

You know that defence I mentioned above where she tries not to cry and you can see she knows showing weakness makes him win and makes everything worse and you can see her employing her usual survival techniques? That all goes the moment he tells her to clean her plate and she knows she’s going to have to, because she’s all alone and there’s no one going to help her, no one going to defend her or support her. She breaks, we see her give into the sobs. A choking sob, before she covers her mouth, trying to hold it back, but there’s no denying it, she’s not hiding it, she’s had her heart broken. Again.

#episode stuff

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alwaysahiccupandastrid · 5 years ago

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what are your thoughts on the skeleton twins

Hi! I finished watching it last night but desperately needed sleep after because I knew I had things to do this morning, and I also wanted to process it (sometimes I have to take some time to process movies, other times I just word vomit about them).

This is kind of long but I’ll add a read more later when I have the chance!

Anyway; The Skeleton Twins...I really enjoyed it! I went in knowing absolutely nothing except that Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig were in it and playing twins, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I think, given the two actors I mentioned, I was expecting pure comedy or something? But I was so blown away by the film and the performances they gave.

Obviously I love both Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig anyway but this movie really showed their serious acting chops. There were some funny moments too, of course, but they’re both really talented doing genres outside of comedy too, and it sometimes takes me aback when I see comedians do such a good job with non-comedic roles - then again, comedy is probably the hardest genre to pull off, and so it’s no wonder they’re both talented anyway. (I’m rambling, sorry!)

{below here I’m talking about themes related to mental health/suicide, and I can’t put a read more at the moment because I’m currently on my mobile - I will be putting a read more here when I get the chance later!}

I was so taken aback though because the film starts with Milo attempting to commit suicide and Maggie contemplating it, and I guess...it’s something I have struggled with, and so it really made my heart drop especially when I saw Milo in the bathtub and the water turn red. It doesn’t show him actually cutting but we all know what happened. Without going into too much detail, SH and mental illness is something I really struggle with, even though I’m slowly recovering these days - it never truly goes away though, you know it’s there even if you’ve gotten better and it’s something you learn to cope and deal with.

Honestly, I was sort of pleasantly surprised by how well the film portrayed mental illness and suicide with both the main characters. I felt at times I should have hated Maggie for cheating and lying to her husband but I also sort of empathized with her (not with the cheating, just the whole situation and being in a huge mess), and I think what made the film was the relationship between the two siblings because it’s so real and natural, especially if you consider the circumstances when they were younger. Their interactions as siblings was so believeable too, like sometimes you’ll watch movies with siblings and the siblings are all mushy or too at each other’s throats, and it’s unrealistic. They both feel so relatable and easy to connect to, though I suppose I am kind of more biased towards Bill’s character because he’s the reason I watched it (after seeing the clip of him dancing online - that was literally the only part I had seen before).

This is kind of dumb, but as I said, I thought they did a great job portraying depression and the aftermath of the suicide attempts? Like when Maggie was drowning herself and then panicked and tried to swim back up but couldn’t - I’ve heard stories of people who have survived jumping off of bridges or whatever, and they’ve said that after making that jump they instantly regretted it. I think that’s so accurate - it’s not glamourizing suicide either, like it would have been so easy to have her sink peacefully and be rescued without her wanting it and then realize what she’s doing but instead they showed the panic, the regret.

I think what especially caught my eye, however, was the fact that Milo was wearing bracelets on his wrists later in the film to hide his scars and like...? That is so relatable, that is something I do during the summer if it’s been one of those instances, I wear bracelets and wristbands and sometimes even tie a bandana around my wrist to hide it.

I don’t know if that’s just something I do/have done and I’m projecting, or if it’s because actual research/thought was put into it, but either way it was something that really stood out to me and made him more relatable?

I can’t remember the name of Milo’s ex teacher but he can get fucked for all I care. He took advantage and manipulated a teenage boy and I think that’s important to remember. It would be easy to just freak out because omg cute gay couple but to me I just saw it as a one-sided unhealthy relationship where one is manipulative and abusive to the other who feels like they need their love, and it’s kind of depressing - but then Milo basically says “fuck that” by the end, and it’s beautiful because it’s like he’s deciding “you know what, I deserve to be treated better” - and he does, he really does. Beforehand it felt (to me) like he allowed himself to be used and mistreated because he felt like that was the only way he could feel worthy, but then he grows and develops and I think that’s so important.

I think I should also briefly mention that the scene where Maggie tells Milo “maybe next time you should cut deeper” genuinely broke my heart for many reasons - because she’s so upset and her marriage is ruined and everything is a mess, so much so that she actually says that to him before immediately regretting it. And ofc I was so upset because that’s literally something your brain tells you when you’re depressed and suicidal/self harm, that maybe next time...yeah. You can see the flurry of emotions on his face as he processes what she said, like he’s in genuine disbelief that she - his own sister, his twin - said such a cruel and disgusting thing to him like that. It genuinely broke my heart to see, though I was glad they did eventually mend things between them.

Some other things I want to mention but don’t have the brain capacity to talk about properly because I’m exhausted and a dumbass:

The Marley and Me joke was so relatable omg, I read the more child friendly version when I was little but I had no idea the dog died and it broke my damn heart, so that little joke about Marley and Me was hilarious to me

Honestly I’m talking a lot about Bill Hader but I do truly adore Kristen Wiig too, like she’s probably one of the most diverse actresses who does all sorts of genres and projects - from voice acting to drama to SNL etc - and she’s incredible in this film.

Lance was a sweetheart and I feel sorry for him? Like he genuinely loved Maggie and was such a nice guy, and while some of the stuff he said wasn’t always helpful or correct, it came from a place of caring and that’s what matters. Also he was totally cool with his brother in law who he never met before coming and living in his house, and he even helped Milo get some work (even if said work WAS clearing brush away)

The scene where the twins go out and Bill Hader is dressed in drag is honestly a highlight of this movie

Actually the scene where he sees himself the first time in drag is also a highlight

The scene where the mother is making a long ass toast while everyone is waiting to drink their wine, and Maggie/Kristen Wiig just downs her glass before she’s finished is so relatable

Okay but there’s a scene where Milo goes to a gay bar looking for a lay and just...the night he goes, of course it’s fuckin “Dyke Night” (their words, not mine!) and then he comes home absolutely pissed and telling his sister and his brother in law that he just wanted “some c*ck”, omg I was laughing way too hard. Also let’s not forget that he said the two “lesbian ladies” he met were lovely and taught him to play darts, we love mlm and wlw solidarity!!

Well since we’ve already established I’m fucking trash for Bill Hader, let’s just include that moment where his character is shirtless (kinda) in bed

That scene where Maggie meets up with some woman she knew (in high school I think?) and that woman has a son, and the son is a little dick and the mom and the son are cussing at each other was a whole new level of hilarious I didn’t expect, like I was deadass expecting this chick to go on about how wonderful it is to be a mother even when he’s a dick to her, how it’s a great gift, but nope, she knows and even says he’s a fucking dick 😂

THE DENTIST OFFICE SCENE JESUS CHRIST I HAD TO PAUSE BECAUSE I WAS GENUINELY PISSING MYSELF WITH LAUGHTER?!

THAT DANCE SCENE AM I RIGHT, OMG, like he’s so cute and happy in that scene and then she joins in and it’s so dorky and fun??

I LOVE all the water imagery and shit, like maybe it’s just because I’m an absolute geek for swimming (it’s one of maybe three sports I don’t totally suck at??) and I love the cinematography underwater, whether it’s the skeleton key ring sinking or the scuba diving or Milo’s goldfish. So much wonderful cinematography and imagery!

This film has ultimately shown me that Wiig and Hader deserve Oscars and awards ASAP

Also this is just a general note to anyone reading, feel free to recommend movies to me anytime because I’m a cinephile and love getting to watch new films!

#the skeleton twins #kristen wiig #bill hader #asks #long post #will put a read more later!!

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jaypelt · 4 years ago

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Cheers for Five Years of Undertale, and its Everlasting Effect on Me

Been a while since I’ve done one of these... I might even be rusty at it! Honestly, what I’ve got right now are more vague thoughts than coherent words in my head. I wasn’t sure if I’d even do this, since I felt it wasn’t entirely necessary. Everybody had so much to say! But spurned on by the display of someone very close to me, the cogs in my head couldn’t help but start turning for me too. So here I am. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Because if you read this, I need you to understand the depth of my feelings. Even if just a little. So I’ll do my best to bare my heart yet again, for the sake of it and everything its done for me. Everything it’ll keep doing for me.

The beginning is usually always one of the hardest parts. A blank space devoid of anything, that you’ve got to somehow miraculously fill with thoughts somebody else could understand. But Undertale is rarely a subject I ever have to struggle so much with. It’s been a long, long five years.

This is re-treading old ground that a number of those who know me are already familiar with, however, I don’t think this would be complete without it. But it will get very, VERY personal. If you’re not comfortable with that, then uh... giving you another warning now. But pushing forward...

Right before UT came out, I hadn’t begun to really unravel quite yet. But I was very close. It was somewhat of a rough transitional period as I moved on from my middle school to high, losing very dear IRL friends and generally continuing to struggle with school, as I had been for years. Untreated ADHD is real nasty. But I’d always had at least some friends, either online, or ones I made throughout the year, to rely on. And I didn’t really think about things. The start of this school year was no different. Even having a... perhaps questionable choice of boyfriend, but, well, he was my first.

I struggled with just about every aspect of school from basically the start, but having a small group, and especially an online partner to come home to everyday, helped me at least get through. In the coming months, however, I’d start to encounter more turbulence. Through aforementioned partner, I met someone who’d come to rely on me far more than he should have. Made even worse by the fact that he was a full grown adult while I was only 14, which will be a recurring trend. And has been for most of my life.

We hit it off pretty quickly, becoming good friends and talking to each other outside of mutual friend spaces. And through that, he started to open up about his problems. Living with a family that treated him poorly, suicidal urges, and particularly, an abusive boyfriend. If you know me well, I’ve probably definitely talked about this at least a little.

My daily routine starting becoming supporting this person through all of his troubles. Sitting in skype calls or exchanging messages for hours at a time on the daily. Rarely did a day go by where I didn’t, slowly sinking into an apathetic pit from overextending myself for the sake of his mental health. I couldn’t even help him improve, all I could do was just try to keep him alive. Which, well, I did. For months.

Everything else fell to the wayside as I was constantly stressed about the life of someone I cared about. Obviously my school life suffered even further. I grew withdrawn from everyone, and kept only to the few online friends I had. However, in the midst of this downward spiral, just before the ball really got rolling, a certain game came out. Exactly a month after it had come out, October 15th, 2015, I’d become interested after all the talk on tumblr about Undertale.

After watching a playthrough on youtube(I didn’t play for myself at first, a pity), It’d personally resonated so strongly and gotten me so hooked that it was something I invested a fair amount of my time into consuming content about. I grew super attached to all these characters that’d made me laugh, smile, cry... just this whole spectrum of emotions. And someone in particular, Alphys, really caught my attention after things had begun to get worse.

She felt so... relatable, though I couldn’t possibly tell you all the reasons. When I think about it, we’re not really the most similar, but something about her just hooked me. Maybe because she had all these things going on that nobody knew about. And that she lied. And felt so anxious interacting with anyone after she’d previously been much warmer and closer. That she was closer to “disappearing” than she seemed.

Whatever the reasons, the months moving further along, consuming content about UT practically became my lifeline. I reblogged heaps and heaps of posts about it, watched videos, listened to the soundtrack, even started drawing because I’d been so inspired. When I was just stuck in this horrible pit of second-hand depression, it was the one thing that still made me happy. I started to really think about why it mattered to me and how. It’s funny, I’d read books obsessively for years before then, but UT was the thing that really got me thinking. It was all downhill from there, I tell you. Now I’m an artist and a writer. Horrific.

But, unfortunately, for all its good... it couldn’t stop what was to come. I was still getting worse and worse, with no end in sight. I’d already been supporting... let’s call him Phil, for a few months. And in December of that year, my boyfriend completely dropped off the grid for a while. I’d see him appear online sometimes and I’d message him, but no response, then right back to offline. Finally, he came back, approaching me with something he obviously was uncomfortable about.

To make a long story short, he’d come to the conclusion that he was straight, and decided to end the relationship. What’s bad is that... honestly? I was already doing so poorly that I had a hard time caring. But we did pretty much stop talking, and I leaned into Undertale all the more. Anyway, time continued to pass. Not without its few ups, and mostly downs. I got used to being called “mature”, usually followed by “especially for your age.” “Phil” told me that if I were legal, he’d date me. I’ve got a crippling fear of screwing up with people that’s stuck with me to this day, after a few occasions involving him. I considered doing some... not so great things to myself. Thankfully, I was always so averse to physical pain that it didn’t become anything extreme.

As for the few ups, there was “Phil” finally managing to leave his abusive relationship, when he’d tried previously and fallen into such a bad depressive episode I had to talk him down. So that was something. He’d even started going to therapy after the second break up.

Not that it did a whole lot. The school year began approaching its end and nothing had really changed. I’d been going through all the same motions for around half a year or more. My sleep was terrible, I was passing almost none of my classes, had practically no friends to speak of, and just felt... tired. All the time. But during this... the minute beginning of a monumental shift started. Another character in UT had begun to clutch me in his grasp. Even more strongly than Alphys. Flowey. Through the posts a singular person on tumblr had made about him and my experience with the geno run, I came to understand the dumb little flower more. Which is also funny, because he was previously my least favorite. Even, yes, after the Asriel reveal.

I’m having a difficult time weaving together this convoluted timeline of events, but it was around... perhaps March or early April that the person whom I’d been supporting for almost a full fucking year completely disappeared. Without a word. The one thing I’d tried to stick to for so long was just. Gone. So I drifted about with, well, no purpose.

By the end of the school year, it probably goes without saying that I was... not doing great. But one those aforementioned acquaintances I’d only just started to become actual friends with came forth to me with a question. That being if there was some way for us to keep contact during the summer. So I gave her my email, which would turn out to be a decision that saved my life. Because things would only get worse before they got better.

This is getting to be way, way, way too long. So to summarize, summertime came around and I’d been in pretty close contact with... I’ll just call her V. She was... well, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Someone who stood out with the intelligence you could just see in their eyes. Outgoing, charismatic, compassionate... all those sorts of things. We were opposites in a lot of ways. Or, at least, it felt like it.

Some things happened, like “Phil” coming back after months of nothing. Me immediately slotting back into my role of being a pillar of support, but then screwing up and hating myself for it. But honestly, that ain’t shit to the rest of the whole shitshow.

For a bit of context, my parents are divorced. So for most of the previous years, I’d been going to my mom’s place during the summer and staying with her the whole time, to make up for how rarely we’d see each other otherwise. That year... she was beginning to run low on money. She lived next to my granny, but still basically alone, compared to how she’d been staying with someone else in hotels for the few prior years.

After learning she didn’t have enough to pay rent and might be kicked out, she tried to appeal to her mom, who said she wouldn’t let her stay. Why? I don’t know. After that, she spiraled into a panic. And, well, the ever faithful little worker bee, I stepped forward to try and console her in any way I could. She seemed to recompose, at least a little. It wasn’t great, and she thought she’d have to do some unsavory things in order to survive, but... I thought that, just maybe, I’d done something.

But... later that night, she started drinking. Which... well, put her in a mood. Exacerbated by the day’s earlier events and the fact that she was taking medication that responded poorly to alcohol. She came over to where I was sitting, my little makeshift desk I’d put together to set up my desktop, with my little sister just in the other room. Just... a warning for this next part, it’s... grim. More grim than anything else in this thread.

She proceeded to tell me she was going to go upstairs and grab the gun my granny kept in her room. And berated me for thinking I’d done anything to help, saying she “wasn’t like my little friends” that I could simply talk to. With that, she walked away, heading upstairs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed in my entire life, to this day. I broke down crying, sitting in that chair.

Yet, somehow, I managed to stop when I saw her coming back down. She walked back over, pointed the gun at her head, and told me to give her a reason she shouldn’t do it. And also to this day, I.... still don’t know if I said what was right. It was all I could think of. I quietly told her that if she did it, I’d pick that gun up and do it to myself. Same as her. And I asked if she wanted to be responsible for that.

It was true, too. By that point, I didn’t care anymore.

And if there’s one thing I can say about her, it’s that she’s always cared about me. In a horrible, twisted way especially, that night. It was enough to make her silently pull the gun down, go back upstairs, and put it away. One last time... she came down, walked past me to the front door and simply said “I love you.” before going out to sit on the porch.

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over the events of that night. I spoke to V afterwards, as I’d been keeping in regular contact, as I said. And even been speaking to her throughout the day about what was happening. I think she was panicking just as much as I had been, and told me to go find the gun and unload it. So I did. Bawling my eyes out the whole damn time. Afterwards, I took the bullets and threw them in the large neighborhood garbage can.

The rest of the night’s a blur. I don’t recall if anything else happened, I just remember waking up tired the next day. My uncle was in the house, as he’d been staying with my granny for a while, but hadn’t been around the night before. I tried to talk to him, but.. couldn’t bring myself to open up. Even though we were pretty close. I went back to my dad’s.

That wasn’t the end of it, either. For the next coming months, I’d get drunken calls and live in fear of being put right back in the same situation. It got so bad that I stopped answering my phone altogether. I broke contact with my mom entirely. I still hate answering or making calls.

Anyway, a few other things happened in the summer, like my applying for online courses. And the subsequent ridicule from my dad’s side of the family for the decision. Tell you what, the stress of taking a test to try and join that online program, then going to golden corral and having to struggle to not cry in front of everyone there was... not the ideal way to spend a birthday. Happy 15 years to me.

So.... that was that. I still went through with online courses and everything kind of... slowed to a crawl. I tried to do school work, but depression and still yet untreated ADHD prevented me from making any substantial progress beyond a few finished classes. For a while I simply... existed in a limbo. All I did was get up, get on my computer, maybe talk to a few people, and play Overwatch. Maybe look at tumblr, as I remained into Undertale. V and I lost contact after school started back up. I never blamed her for it. In fact, I preferred it that way. She didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her, and I still... feel guilty for leaning on her so much.

But I’m very thankful. I hope she’s out there living a good life, wherever she is.

And this! Is where we finally get to the not depressing parts! And only... what, 29 paragraphs in? Sheesh... I know I wanted to really illustrate just how shit things were to demonstrate just how much UT did for me, but this is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? Ah well... already made it this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! I’m sorry. Truly. And I love you so very dearly.

Time went by and I kept doing my thing. Playing Overwatch(a practically self-destructive behavior deserving a therapy, frankly), talking to the few friends I had that I kept at an arm’s length, that sort of stuff. “Phil” and I no longer talked, thank goodness. Obviously I was depressed as all hell, not bothering to shower, eat, clean up, or do laundry for days on end. I spent more time asleep than I did awake, on most days. Did I say this was where the not depressing part was? I may have lied a little.

Blah blah “more months go by”, you know the drill. Until... I believe, November of 2016. After cementing my love of Flowey ever deeper, I’d started to follow more blogs putting out content for him on tumblr. In particular, the most important ones being I’lltrytobegood, Flowey-Answers, and later happyflowey and Corruptedflora.

It all started with a stream. I joined an art stream of LLA(Lovelyladyartist) on picarto as he worked on ITTBG. I kept quiet for the first few streams I joined, being too anxious to really out myself in any capacity. But little by little, I was coerced out of my shell. Particularly by one SilverKhaos, who I think at the time went by SilverSlayer or something. Anyway, he got me talking. And through that, I started making friends, bit by bit.

Also through the stream, I was introduced to CC(CuteCatDoodles) of Flowey-Answers. I obsessively read through the entire blog in a single sitting, just... having such a good time with it. And... strangely enough, it... got me feeling oddly better. Like I’d finally started to breath after not being able to for what felt like such a long time. If just a little. The next day, I got out of bed early, cleaned up, took out some garbage, and made breakfast. Just a simple plate of scrambled eggs. A simple, easy morning for most any average person. But for me? It was one of the most special mornings I’ve ever had.

Likewise, I did the same with Ding’s happyflowey, of reading through all of it in a single night. My head hurt like a motherfucker, but I tell you, it was worth it. The effect perhaps not as profound, but still very meaningful to me, as well as sowing the seeds of yet more relationships to form. If far off in the future, as far as this timeline is concerned. I still adore all of those dumb, charming little flowers so much. Mania would come to inspire my first ever OC, in fact. Thinking about that blog makes me miss when the UT fandom was more active here, even though I never participated in the fandom at large. But I’m grateful for the memories and incredible amounts of enjoyment getting to read it all brought me. I have way too many cropped images of Hysteria.

I wasn’t immediately better, but it was all the start of something new. I kept up with the streams, also joining in for CC’s. For hours upon hours a day, I’d just hop into them and spend the day talking away. I had something to really look forward upon waking up, starting to adjust my schedule so that I at least didn’t miss TOO much. I was able to really make friends, it felt like. Even though I wasn’t and still am not the most socially adept.

And as luck would have it, because picarto chat was and probably still is pretty unstable to this day, it just happened to go down and that led to... the creation of the discord server! It started off small, but steadily got more and more joiners from the growing population of the streams. LovelyLadyArtist, CuteCatDoodles, BrySkye, Flowers-Without-Pots, SilverSlayer, KRS, Donut, Mr.Quarter, Dragoler, Stilla, Chara, RotmModdy, Rowdy, Dunal, and probably at least a few others I’m forgetting... all names I encountered there and most of which I still see daily.

Through that server, we started keeping up even when there wasn’t any stream going on. Just goofing off and having a good ‘ol time. Already I was... well, doing a helluva lot better than I had before. All because of the gathering of a small community surrounding this indie gem. And even further centered in a niche specifically about Flowey! Who, and I’d forgotten to mention this before, I’d found a surprising amount to relate in. He’d become a big, BIG hyperfocus. Which is why I’d met everyone at all. Truly, it’s crazy to think how possible it is for me to have never come down this path.

From there on, I continued to meet new people, established new relationships. I even got invited to an RP server, creatively named “Flower RP” :p. At first I was hesitant, perhaps not even initially 100% interested. But as people really got into it, I felt an incredibly strong Fear of Missing Out. Leading to the creation of a character still near and dear to my heart.... Zorch. The result of contributions from many friends, from design ideas, to character concepts, and even his name(thanks for that, Rowdy). And... I began to write. It wasn’t great at first. very short form, and I didn’t know how to approach the roleplaying mindset, or even how to properly characterize him.

But over time... I got better. I became more confident. I really got into the nitty-gritty of character writing and discussion. I joined in on hours long discussions about the characters, lore, and narrative of Undertale. I’d wake up just to be there as soon as chat began to move, all the way to the point where everyone was finally asleep. I started to be able to help people again. For months, participating in this RP, in this chat, in this community was what I lived for. The joy that I felt in being among friends all working towards and talking about a common goal and interest is, well, honestly still somewhat unrivaled.

Paci, Pots, Neue, Castor, Silver, Nightmare, Rowdy. Me. All of us joined together in mutual love for a game, spurred on to feverishly create our own content about it. I kept up for months on end, living by the mostly same routine for probably the longest I’ve ever stuck to anything. Eventually... things happened and the server’s gone quiet. We had problems with management, people feeling excluded, targeted, etc etc. It was a very... consequence heavy RP, most of us were almost complete newbies to the roleplaying game, and many came to care rather deeply about the ongoings of it. Perhaps too much. But, well... I’m not sure it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, I still wish I could go back to that point of my life. I know someone else who does too. Even more than me. But I know not to try and emulate the past, as alluring as it may seem. So I push forward. Leading to yet another server with its own events. Clement, myself, Rowdy, Zielo, Neue, Moddy, Vee, Mini, Nappy, Tia, Silver. Some familiar names, some new. All still with the foundation of Undertale, but it quickly became a thing for us to just... chill and talk about anything. There was real love in that place. It was at this time that I even started going to therapy! After some struggling with the family. It helped a lot.

In time, that server, too, went under. For reasons that have long since been buried and forgiven. It no longer exists, after being deleted entirely, but I’ll always remember it. And we did eventually all(mostly) gather back together someplace new, which is still being talked in. Even gaining some new additions recently! If any of you guys are catching this one, I love you!

And we come to the final and most recent group. One I wasn’t actually a founding member of, instead being a late joiner. Comparatively smaller than all the ones before, but filled with just as much love. Pip, Ding, Kink, and Cola. Remember when I mentioned happyflowey sowing seeds, and then didn’t even expound in further detail about corruptedflora? Well congratulations, you’ve reached the payoff.

It all started after I began interacting with the mun of CF, Kinko, and became mutuals with them. We usually just spam reblogged from each other on occasion for a while. That is, until I got messaged, then sent a friend request through Discord. Which, even still, didn’t immediately go anywhere. But eventually... some things led to another, and we joined up in a particular server. Not one I’ll be naming, but times were... turbulent in there. It went under and we lost contact a bit after that.

That is, until completely out of the blue, I just get invited to a server with them and some pals to just join in on Roblox shenanigans. Imagine me, sweating and anxious as hell after getting asked to join a server with two people behind blogs I adore, considering Ding was there too. Cardiac arrest, I tell you. And obviously more than just them too! But the night turned out to be so fun that I forgot I’d ever been so anxious in the first place.

From there on... the rest was history. There’s been many, MANY ups and downs, but I’ve found yet more people I love very, very dearly. And they’ve gotten me to open up about the way I feel the most. In the past years, I could never tell someone I loved them, no matter how much I really wanted to. The words just couldn’t come out, but they... they brought that out in me. And now I can say it whenever I want! Like now! I love you guys!!! So much!!!! And not just you all, but everyone else too!!! And much love to Kink especially for being a driving force behind me making this, as well as just being a goddamn star.

So... as a final ovation... LLA, CC, Bry, Drago/Paci, Pots, Silver, Donut, Quarter, Stilla, Chara, Moddy, Rowdy, Neue, Castor/Skater, Tia/Nightmare, Clement, Zielo, Vee, Nappy, Ding, Pip, Cola, and Kink. As well as some stragglers like Log, Ingrid, and Jai. I’m probably still forgetting some... but thank you all for being my friends. It’s been a long, long five years. And yet, many of you are still in my life. In at least some form. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude towards every single one of you for the most incredible years of my life and pulling me from what can be called nothing less than the fucking abyss. You all made and continue to make life worth living.

And thank you, Undertale. The game behind all of these relationships. The game that inspired such strong feelings in me when nothing else could. That made me into an artist and writer. The reason I’m still alive. The game that changed my fucking life and will continue to affect me, I believe, for the duration of it. I really cannot overstate just how important you were and still are. There’ll never be anything else like you.

#this is probably littered with mistakes and things that didn't need to be there #Like the sheer amount of context provided for how poorly I was doing #But too late to change things now!#My brain hurts too much to bother proofreading #So take this raw and unfiltered thing and do what you will with it #Or don't #It's a rough read #Don't push yourself through it if you can't #Or simply don't want to #long post

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