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islamicrays · 5 years ago

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How do you deal with your child's temper tantrums or meltdowns?

When my kids hit a certain age, right around 1.5 or 2 years old, they start having meltdowns and tantrums, complete with loud crying, maybe even screaming, reaching a state where they can't be reasoned with. The kid is basically freaking out.

If the kid is being purposely disobedient or deliberately defiant, there definitely needs to be a punishment. Consequences are critical for teaching a child that in-your-face defiance of parents is unacceptable. The parents are the authority, and the child must learn to accept and respect parental authority.

But sometimes, it's not an issue of defiance. It's just that the child is very young, and has zero knowledge of how to manage his emotions, express his needs, or self-regulate. The frustration that he feels with feelings that doesn't know how to handle results in sobs.

It's my job as his parent to teach him emotional self-regulation. To teach him how to bring down his levels of negative energy, how to reduce the levels of stress hormones coursing through his little body. How to calm himself down.

This is not only a helpful skill for children--this skill is absolutely essential for adults. The reality is that even some adults don't really know what to do to relax themselves and reach a state of calm. They live with chronic, pent-up stress, which over time builds on itself and may create chronic illness.

So what I do with my child when he's crying, or just about to, is:

1. Squat down so that I'm at eye level with him,

2. Provide gentle physical touch, like putting my hand on his shoulder or rubbing his back in slow circles,

3. Say: "خذ نفس عميق." "Take a deep breath."

When they are really little, I simply take a deep breath myself and they just mimic me. They're too young for anything else. But we take several deep breaths slowly, until he is calmer. Sometimes, especially in younger toddlers, just doing this exercise alone serves as a means of distraction and that alone actually helps divert the tantrum. (Of course sometimes it doesn't!)

But as my kids have gotten older and more able to understand, I explain more thoroughly the process of breathing.

"There are two parts: الشهيق و الزفير. Inhaling and exhaling. Inhale through your nose slowly until your belly moves out, then exhale even more slowly through your mouth until all the air is out. Make sure your exhale is longer than your inhale. Then do it again. And again. We can do 5 deep breaths, or even up to 10 deep breaths if we feel really upset or angry."

Ever the curious skeptic, my 7. 5-year-old asked, "Why? How does just breathing help anything? I'm always breathing!"

"Breathing sounds so simple and so random, I know. If you feel sad or angry and someone just tells you to breathe, how does that solve the problem exactly? Sounds like it would be useless.

But you know what? Allah has created our bodies in such an amazing, intricate way. It's unbelievable! The mind and body are not separate. They're linked. So if you feel a certain strong feeling, like for example غضب (anger) or حزن (sadness), there will be a reaction *in the body* to that feeling or thought *in the mind.* The body and mind work together, and affect each other.

So say you get mad at your brother, what does your body do? Your mind feels the emotion of anger, so your body reacts by making something called cortisol. This cortisol starts going into your bloodstream and moving all over your body. Your muscle tense up, maybe you clench your hands, or maybe you start yelling or crying.

Too much cortisol for too long is bad for your body and your health. It can make you sick if you keep making cortisol without getting rid of it. Getting rid of cortisol means calming yourself down.

And...what's one way to calm yourself down? You tell me."

The kids giggled. "Deep breaths!"

"Yes. Taking long, deep breaths is one way to calm yourself down. And it's very important for all of us to learn what to do with our emotions and how to calm ourselves down from them."

Many of us never learned any of this explicitly or implicitly as kids, and as adults, we go through life, brimming with tension and struggling to cope with chronic stress.

Deep breathing, also called diaphragmatic breathing or abdominal breathing, is actually one of the methods that psychologists and cognitive behavioral therapists teach their clients, people who suffer from conditions like anxiety, depression, panic disorders, bipolar disorder, and other issues.

Controlling your breathing can help you voluntarily regulate your automated nervous system (ANS), which has a ton of benefits:

It helps you relax, lowering the harmful effects of the stress hormone, cortisol, on your body.

It lowers your heart rate.

It helps lower your blood pressure.

It helps you cope with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It improves your core muscle stability.

It improves your body’s ability to tolerate intense exercise.

It lowers your chances of injuring or wearing out your muscles.

It slows your rate of breathing so that it expends less energy.

-Via Umm Khalid

#quote #islam #islamic quotes #muslim #allah #muslimah #kids #parenting tips

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brainyparenting · 4 years ago

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Being hard on yourself doesn't make you a better parent. 👩‍👧 👍

"What I have learned from reading Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids has already improved my relationship with my eight year old son. My son thanked me this morning for reading this book. He said I am turning into the mom he always wanted. 'Even if it means you don't always get your way?' I asked. He replied, 'It's easy to learn from my mistakes when you aren't yelling at me about them.' I almost burst into tears."- Shannon

Kids like to get their way. But there's something every child wants even more:

Someone who loves you, no matter what. Someone who doesn't yell when you make mistakes. Who is calm and patient, even when you're mad or whining. Someone who controls their own emotions so they can listen and empathize, even when you're wrong, even when you were so upset you were rude, even when you hit your sister. Someone who holds a vision of you as your best self, even when you can't find that self.

Imagine growing up with that parent. That's what every child wants.

Of course, nobody can be that parent 24/7, because we're only human. No one is perfect, and parents have lots of reasons to lose it on a regular basis.

What we CAN do is make the commitment to increase our ratio of good to bad parenting moments, and keep working at it, day after day. When we mess up -- which we all do -- we can pick ourselves up and try again. Luckily, each step in the right direction makes a big difference.

But if you're wishing you could be that parent more often, or if you're feeling stuck in a negative cycle, maybe it's time to give yourself more support. Most of us feel guilty when we lose it. We ricochet between losing our temper and being permissive. We keep resolving to "do better." But being hard on yourself doesn't make you a better parent. Even resolving to be more patient doesn't necessarily help. What we all need is more support, the kind of support that helps us stay calm and regulate our own emotions.

If you have a plant that's wilting, you don't yell at it to straighten up and grow right. You figure out what it needs to thrive: More water? More sunshine? More room to grow? This applies to your child, of course. But it also applies to you. We all need support to be our best selves.

So instead of berating yourself, take a moment right now, and consider what one thing you could do today to support yourself to be the parent you want to be.

1. Maybe you need more sleep.

2. Maybe you need to take a vow of Yellibacy and let your kids give you a star for each day you don't yell.

3. Maybe you need to slow down a bit and do less, so you aren't so stressed, and you can enjoy your child more.

4. Maybe you need to read a parenting book or take a course to inspire you, teach you skills, and keep you on track.

5. Maybe you need to join a group or course forum where you can talk with other parents and get support.

6. Maybe you need to shower yourself with more love and compassion. You can only be emotionally generous to your child if you're emotionally generous to yourself.

Any of these ideas (or any other change you need) will take work on your part. But life is short, and you deserve it. And your child deserves it. The days with your child may feel long, but childhood is short. Every day, your child is creating memories. He's shaping his brain. She's laying the foundation for the relationships she'll choose for the rest of her life.

You don't have to change all at once. The most lasting changes come one step at a time, from creating new habits. For today, why not make a clear intention to give yourself the support you need? Write down the first step you'll take to give yourself more support.

Then just do it. Take that first step, today.

Title: Being hard on yourself doesn't make you a better parent. Sourced From: www.ahaparenting.com/RSSRetrieve.aspx?ID=13126&A=Link&ObjectID=469956&ObjectType=56&O=http%253a%252f%252fwww.ahaparenting.com%252fblog%252fBe_Good_Parent Published Date: Mon, 12 Apr 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Teach Your Child How To Read On An Early Age

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liezelsibayan · 4 years ago

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Parenting Style

Did your parents teach you well?

Did you learn from your parents?

Do you have a good relationship to them?

These are some questions about the parenting style of our parents. But before we answer those questions, let me define first “Parenting Style.”

What

Parenting Style?

The style of parenting is conceptualized as a constellation of behaviors or a pattern of parental authority communicated to the infant towards the infant, providing the emotional context for the representation of the actions of the parent. The types of parenting widely used today in psychology are based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist at Berkeley University of California in the 1960s. Maccoby and Martin also assisted in the 1980s by improving the concept.

Parenting style differs from parenting practice in that characterizes parent-child interaction across settings and situations, whereas parenting practices are specific to particular situations and domains ( Baumrind,1971; Darling & Steinberg, 1993).

These four parenting styles are sometimes called the Baumrind parenting styles or Maccoby or Martin parenting styles since they expanded Baumrind’s permissive parenting style.

AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING

High demandingness. Low responsiveness.

In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents don’t explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, “Because I said so.”

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING

High demandingness. High responsiveness.

Authoritative parents have high expectations for achievement and maturity, but they are also warm and responsive. They establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic.

PERMISSIVE PARENTING (Indulgent)

Low demandingness. High responsiveness.

Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, make very few demands of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. Permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding.” They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable, self-regulation and avoid confrontation.

NEGLECTFUL PARENTING (Uninvolved)

Low demandingness. Low responsiveness.

They are indifferent to their children’s needs and uninvolved in their lives. An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by a few demands, low responsiveness, and very little communication. While these parents fulfill the child’s basic needs, they are generally detached from their child’s life. They might sure that their kids are fed and have shelter, but offer little to nothing in the way of guidance,structure,rules, or even support.

“Parenting style is thought to provide the emotional climate for interaction between parent and children and has significant impact on the family quality of life.”-William 2009

They are kind of AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING.

Ever since my parents aren’t strict compared to other parents. But sometimes when I make mistakes my mom gives me punishment not in phyiscal way but in a good way. My mom is my first teacher, she always teaches me evey time I make mistakes. She is willing to hear my reasons whatever happened. I remember when I break her watch she did not punish me but instead she talk to me and she said “Don’t do that again, it’s not good and it’s bad.” But sometimes she’s angry and yelled at me and I feel scared but she feel sorry and ended up hugs me tightly.

When I go to school, my mom never forget to buy me my favorite baon “snack” the one and only “yumyum” 🥨 a kind of chocolate biscuit. And she gave never fails me, she really doing her responsibilty as a mom, and I feel blessed for that. My dad is “go with the flow daddy”, she spoils me but not all the time. I’m a daddy’s girl (sorry mom🤞hihihihi ) but anyways I love you both 😘. My dad gives me what I want but he knows if I need it or not. Both of them are willing to lend their ears and listen of what my opinion is.

They did not pressure me ever since, they let me do whatever I want, they didi not control me like a robot; they give me freedom but have limitations. They allow me wherever I want to go but first I ask permission and tell them where I go. But when I forget to ask them they give me my punishment and that punishment is no more ‘gala’ with friends this week or until I learned for my mistakes.

They are very supportive towards my academic achievement they are happy whatever my award is, they never doubt my skills and ability instead I doubt my own capabilities which is not good. But they never forget to cheer me up and encourage me to push harder until I succeed and achieve what I want in life.

Now that I’m not teen anymore, I will do my very best to become responsible enough and give my best whatever I do to make them proud of me but I know that they already proud of me ever since I’m a child.

“Encourage and support your kids because children are apt to live up to what you believe of them”. - Lady Bird Johnson

#Spotify

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frankgiunta · 5 years ago

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Spotting Child Abuse and Neglect

https://frankgiunta.com/spotting-child-abuse-and-neglect/

Spotting Child Abuse and Neglect

By HelpGuide.org

Do you know what the warning signs of child abuse and neglect are? Learn how to spot the signs and make a difference in a child’s life.

What is child abuse and neglect?

Child abuse isn’t just about black eyes. While physical abuse is shocking due to the marks it leaves, not all signs of child abuse are as obvious. Ignoring children’s needs, putting them in unsupervised, dangerous situations, exposing them to sexual situations, or making them feel worthless or stupid are also forms of child abuse and neglect—and they can leave deep, lasting scars on kids.

Regardless of the type of abuse, the result is serious emotional harm. But there is help available. If you suspect a child is suffering from abuse or neglect, it’s important to speak out. By catching the problem as early as possible, both the child and the abuser can get the help they need.

To start, it’s important to separate the myths from the facts about child abuse and neglect:

Myths and facts about child abuse and neglect Myth: It’s only abuse if it’s violent.Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Child neglect, sexual and emotional abuse can inflict just as much damage, and since they’re not always as obvious, others are less likely to intervene. Myth: Only bad people abuse their children.Fact: Not all abusive parents or guardians intentionally harm their children. Many have been victims of abuse themselves and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with mental health issues or substance abuse problems. Myth: Abuse doesn’t happen in “good” families.Fact: Abuse and neglect doesn’t only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. These behaviors cross all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story behind closed doors. Myth: Most child abusers are strangers.Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family. Myth: Abused children always grow up to be abusers.Fact: It is true that abused children are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children. On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent parents.

Effects of child abuse and neglect

All types of abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, their future relationships, and ability to function at home, work and school. Effects include:

Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Without this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships in adulthood. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.

Core feelings of being “worthless.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings. As they grow up, abused kids may neglect their education or settle for low-paying jobs because they don’t believe they are worth more. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often struggle with a feeling of being damaged.

Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb out the painful feelings.

Recognizing the different types of child abuse

Abusive behavior comes in many forms, but the common denominator is the emotional effect on the child. Whether the abuse is a slap, a harsh comment, stony silence, or not knowing if there will be dinner on the table, the end result is a child that feels unsafe, uncared for, and alone.

Emotional abuse. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, words can hurt and emotional abuse can severely damage a child’s mental health or social development. Examples of emotional abuse include:

Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating

Calling names and making negative comparisons to others

Telling a child they’re “no good,” “worthless,” “bad,” or “a mistake”

Frequent yelling, threatening, or bullying

Ignoring or rejecting a child as punishment, giving them the silent treatment

Limiting physical contact with a child—no hugs, kisses, or other signs of affection

Exposing a child to violence against others, whether it is against the other parent, a sibling, or even a pet

Child neglect—a very common type of child abuse—is a pattern of failing to provide for a child’s basic needs, which include adequate food, clothing, hygiene, or supervision. Child neglect is not always easy to spot. Sometimes, a parent might become physically or mentally unable to care for a child, such as in cases of serious illness or injury, or untreated depression or anxiety. Other times, alcohol or drug abuse may seriously impair judgment and the ability to keep a child safe.

Physical abuse involves physical harm or injury to the child. It may be the result of a deliberate attempt to hurt the child or excessive physical punishment. Many physically abusive parents insist that their actions are simply forms of discipline—ways to make children learn to behave. But there is a big difference between using physical punishment to discipline and physical abuse.

With physical abuse, the following elements are present:

Unpredictability. The child never knows what is going to set the parent off. There are no clear boundaries or rules. The child is constantly walking on eggshells, never sure what behavior will trigger a physical assault.

Lashing out in anger. Abusive parents act out of anger and the desire to assert control, not the motivation to lovingly teach the child. The angrier the parent, the more intense the abuse.

Using fear to control behavior. Abusive parents may believe that their children need to fear them in order to behave, so they use physical abuse to “keep their child in line.” However, what children are really learning is how to avoid being hit, not how to behave or grow as individuals.

Sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse is an especially complicated form of abuse because of its layers of guilt and shame. It’s important to recognize that sexual abuse doesn’t always involve body contact. Exposing a child to sexual situations or material is sexually abusive, whether or not touching is involved.

Sexually abused children are often tormented by shame and guilt. They may feel that they are responsible for the abuse or somehow brought it upon themselves. This can lead to self-loathing and sexual and relationship problems as they grow older.

The shame of sexual abuse makes it very difficult for children to come forward. They may worry that others won’t believe them, will be angry with them, or that it will split their family apart. Because of these difficulties, false accusations of sexual abuse are not common, so if a child confides in you, take them seriously.

Warning signs of child abuse and neglect

Warning signs of emotional abuse:

Excessively withdrawn, fearful, or anxious about doing something wrong

Shows extremes in behavior (extremely compliant, demanding, passive, aggressive)

Doesn’t seem to be attached to the parent or caregiver

Acts either inappropriately adult (taking care of other children) or inappropriately infantile (thumb-sucking, throwing tantrums)

Warning signs of physical abuse:

Frequent injuries or unexplained bruises, welts, or cuts

Is always watchful and “on alert,” as if waiting for something bad to happen

Injuries appear to have a pattern such as marks from a hand or belt

Shies away from touch, flinches at sudden movements, or seems afraid to go home

Wears inappropriate clothing to cover up injuries, such as long-sleeved shirts on hot days

Warning signs of child neglect:

Clothes are ill-fitting, filthy, or inappropriate for the weather

Hygiene is consistently bad (unbathed, matted and unwashed hair, noticeable body odor)

Untreated illnesses and physical injuries

Is frequently unsupervised or left alone or allowed to play in unsafe situations

Is frequently late or missing from school

Warning signs of sexual abuse in children:

Trouble walking or sitting

Displays knowledge of sexual acts inappropriate for their age, or even seductive behavior

Makes strong efforts to avoid a specific person, without an obvious reason

Doesn’t want to change clothes in front of others or participate in physical activities

An STD or pregnancy, especially under the age of 14

Runs away from home

Risk factors for child abuse and neglect

While abuse and neglect occurs in all types of families, children are at a much greater risk in certain situations.

Domestic violence. Even if the abused parent does their best to protect their children, domestic violence is still extremely damaging. Getting out is the best way to help your children.

Alcohol and drug abuse. Parents who are drunk or high may be unable to care for their children, make good parenting decisions, or control often-dangerous impulses. Substance abuse can also lead to physical abuse.

Untreated mental illness. Parents who are suffering from depression, an anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, or another mental illness may have trouble taking care of themselves, much less their children. A mentally ill or traumatized parent may be distant and withdrawn from their children, or quick to anger without understanding why. Treatment for the caregiver means better care for the children.

Lack of parenting skills. Some caregivers never learned the skills necessary for good parenting. Teen parents, for example, might have unrealistic expectations about how much care babies and small children need. Or parents who were themselves victims of child abuse may only know how to raise their children the way they were raised. Parenting classes, therapy, and caregiver support groups are great resources for learning better parenting skills.

Stress and lack of support. Parenting can be a very time-intensive, stressful job, especially if you’re raising children without support from family and friends, or you’re dealing with relationship problems or financial difficulties. Caring for a child with a disability, special needs, or difficult behaviors is also a challenge. It’s important to get the support you need, so you are emotionally and physically able to support your child.

Recognizing abusive behavior in yourself

Raising children is one of life’s greatest challenges and can trigger anger and frustration in the most even-tempered parent or guardian. If you grew up in a household where screaming and shouting or violence was the norm, you may not know any other way to raise your kids.

Recognizing that you have a problem is the biggest step to getting help. The following are warning signs that you may be crossing the line into abuse:

You can’t stop your anger. What starts as a swat on the backside may turn into multiple hits getting harder and harder. You may shake your child more and more and finally throw them down. You find yourself screaming louder and louder and can’t stop yourself.

You feel emotionally disconnected from your child. You may feel so overwhelmed that you don’t want anything to do with your child. You just want to be left alone and for your child to be quiet.

Meeting the daily needs of your child seems impossible. While everyone struggles with balancing dressing, feeding, and getting kids to school or other activities, if you continually can’t manage to do it, it’s a sign that something might be wrong.

Other people have expressed concern. It may be easy to bristle at other people expressing concern. However, consider carefully what they have to say. Are the words coming from someone you normally respect and trust?

Breaking the cycle of abuse

If you have a history of child abuse, having your own children can trigger strong memories and feelings that you may have repressed. You may be shocked and overwhelmed by your anger, and feel like you can’t control it. But you can learn new ways to manage your emotions and break your old patterns.

Remember, you are the most important person in your child’s world – and you don’t have to go it alone. Help and support are available:

Learn what is age appropriate and what is not. Having realistic expectations of what children can handle at certain ages will help you avoid frustration and anger at normal child behavior. For example, newborns are not going to sleep through the night without a peep, and toddlers are not going to be able to sit quietly for extended periods of time.

Develop new parenting skills. Start by learning appropriate discipline techniques and how to set clear boundaries for your children. Parenting classes, books, and seminars offer this information. You can also turn to other parents for tips and advice.

Take care of yourself. If you are not getting enough rest and support or you’re feeling overwhelmed, you are much more likely to succumb to anger. Sleep deprivation, common in parents of young children, adds to moodiness and irritability—exactly what you are trying to avoid.

Get professional help. Breaking the cycle of abuse can be very difficult if the patterns are strongly entrenched. If you can’t seem to stop yourself no matter how hard you try, it’s time to get help, whether in the form of therapy, parenting classes, or other interventions. Your children will thank you for it.

Learn to control your emotions. If you were abused or neglected as a child, you may have an especially difficult time getting in touch with your range of emotions. You may have had to deny or repress them as a child, and now they spill out without your control. HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit can help.

How to help an abused or neglected child

What should you do if you suspect that a child is being abused? Or if a child confides in you? It’s normal to feel a little overwhelmed and confused. Child abuse is a difficult subject that can be hard to accept and even harder to talk about—for both you and the child. When talking with an abused child, the best way to encourage them is to show calm reassurance and unconditional support. If you’re having trouble finding the words, let your actions speak for you.

Avoid denial and remain calm. A common reaction to news as unpleasant and shocking as child abuse is denial. However, if you display denial to a child, or show shock or disgust at what they are saying, the child may be afraid to continue and will shut down. As hard as it may be, remain as calm and reassuring as you can.

Don’t interrogate. Let the child explain to you in their own words what happened, but don’t interrogate the child or ask leading questions. This may confuse and fluster the child and make it harder for them to continue their story.

Reassure the child that they did nothing wrong. It takes a lot for a child to come forward about abuse. Reassure them that you take what they said seriously, and that it is not their fault.

Safety comes first. If you feel that your safety or the safety of the child would be threatened if you tried to intervene, leave it to the professionals. You may be able to provide more support later.

Reporting child abuse or neglect

If you suspect that a child is undergoing abuse, it’s critical to report it—and to continue reporting each separate incidence if it continues to recur. Each report you make is a snapshot of what’s going on in the family. The more information you can provide, the better the chance of the child getting the help they deserve. Of course, it’s normal to have some reservations or worries about reporting child abuse.

I don’t want to interfere in someone else’s family. Child abuse and neglect is NOT merely a family matter, and the consequences of staying silent can be devastating for the child.

What if I break up someone’s home? A child abuse report does not mean a child is automatically removed from the home—unless they’re clearly in danger. Parents may be first offered support, such as parenting classes or anger management counseling.

They will know it was me who called. Reporting is anonymous. In most places, you do not have to give your name when you report child abuse.

What I have to say won’t make a difference. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Even if you can’t see the whole picture, others may have noticed signs as well, and a pattern can help identify child abuse that might have otherwise been overlooked.

Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A., Lawrence Robinson, and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. Last updated: June 2019.

Child Abuse Lawyer Texas

If you suspect your child has experienced child abuse, sexual abuse, indecency with a child, or child molestation, you need an expert child abuse & sexual abuse lawyer. Contact Us Immediately!

Call 800.515.7200

More than three million reports of child abuse are made in the United States each year that involve over six million children. Child abuse is defined as any act or series of acts that result in harm, potential harm, or threat of harm to a child according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Abuse can include sexual, physical or emotional mistreatment or neglect.

Four children die every day as a result of child abuse and the impact of abuse upon the victims can be devastating, have lifelong consequences. Child abuse can result in a number of adult adjustment disorders. It often results in severe psychological problems including depression, insomnia, nightmares, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, low self-esteem, addictive personality disorders, and post-traumatic stress. Children who have been sexually abused often have difficulty forming and maintaining relationships as adults, and statistics show that 30% of abused and neglected children grow up to abuse and neglect their own children..

There are four major categories of child abuse including sexual abuse, neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse of children is defined as a sexual act with a child that is used for the physical gratification or financial profit of another – usually an adult. It also occurs when an older adolescent or adult abuses a child for sexual stimulation, urges a child to engage in some form of sexual act including indecent exposure or pornography, or any form of viewing or sexual contact with the child or their genitalia. The HHS reports that 90% of all sexually abused children know their abusers and 30% will sexually abuse their own children.

Neglect

Neglect is defined as the failure of a parent or caretaker to meet the basic needs of a child including the provision of food, clothing, housing, medical care and adequate supervision. Neglect can also be the lack of love, attention, and nurturing. Neglected children often experience delayed physical and psycho-social development that may result in impaired social skills, executive function, processing speed, language, memory, and attention. There are many signs that may indicate neglect, including the following:

Is often dirty or bedraggled

Lacks sufficient or appropriate clothing for weather conditions

Is frequently absent from school

Begs or steals food

Lacks medical or dental care

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is defined as physical aggression aimed at a child by an adult that results in physical injury such as bruising, scratching, cuts, broken/fractured bones, or burns. Treatment for injuries that are at different stages of healing are often signs of child abuse. The U.S. Health and Human Services (HHS) reports that children who are targets of physical abuse are nine times more likely to become involved in criminal activity: 14% of all males and 36% of all females serving time in prison have suffered abuse as children.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is defined as any psychologically abnormal behavior aimed at a child that may include denigration, harsh criticism, humiliation, coarse or rude attitude or insults, yelling, destruction of personal property, or torture or killing of a beloved pet. Victims of emotional abuse often protect themselves by through distancing and internalizing the abusive treatment. Victims often suffer adjustment disorders as adults in addition to low self-esteem, self-blame, learned helplessness, overly-passive personalities, and abnormal or disrupted attachment developmental disorders.

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heroes-of-our-hearts · 5 years ago

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Chapter Seven: Hero Rank Doesn’t Translate to Teacher Rank

Nedzu had arranged a joint lesson between you and All Might.

During the planning process you’d learned of his weakened form. It was startling.

To the media, they’d always pitted the two of you as rivals for the world’s greatest hero. They made it seem the two of you were always trying to one up each other and get an edge on one another.

In reality, however, you admired the man. He was your senior, and a man who could pass on so much wisdom and knowledge. You felt like his apprentice, despite the fact you’d never actually met and your quirks were far different.

To find out the man you’d always looked up to had his own weakness made you feel more comfortable, in a funny way. You had problems of your own, failures and worries. This was a jerking realization that it was okay. You weren’t less of a hero because of your shortcomings.

He’d been pleasant while you were planning, but you noted he didn’t seem to be as joyful as he was depicted by the media.

Your time with All Might, or Toshi as you’d taken to calling him, was nice. It wasn’t as comfortable or entertaining as your time with Shouta, but still good.

Shouta had been busy with planning of his own. He was telling you about an upcoming lesson at the USJ. All Might would be there too.

Your eyes slid to the hero in question. He was stood tall in front of his students, a wide smile on his face.

A part of you was worried about this lesson. All Might had notes in his hand he was looking over and reading from. These students were about to get taught by the world’s two best heroes, who, incidentally, had no idea how to teach.

You could kick some ass though. That was always a good thing, right?

Glancing at All Might only to realize he was giving you the same helpless look made you realize how absolutely screwed your were.

“So, quirk drawbacks, huh?” You chuckled nervously.

All Might too laughed hesitantly.

See, besides the now glaringly obvious weakness, his quirk didn’t really have any known drawbacks either. You two were essentially the worst candidates to teach this lesson. Yet, here you were.

“Some of yours I’m aware of, and I already have a few notes on what to work on. A few others though, I’m going to need you to let me know.”

You paused, looking them over a bit.

Basically, you’d had pretty much everyone figured out as far as drawbacks go. You did not have Bakugo’s figured out though. You narrowed your eyes.

“Bakugo,” you said suddenly, noting the way All Might tensed beside you.

Clearly, this kid didn’t hold back even on him.

“I still need information on you.”

The kid in question huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I’ll kick your ass then maybe you’ll find out,” he spat.

That sent Iida on a long ramble about respect and whatnot. You weren’t really listening, your lips pulled in a pout.

“I’ll have you know, this is America’s ass,” you grumbled to yourself, though All Might heard you if his sudden cough was anything to go by.

You shot him a wink.

“And you’re Japan’s ass,” you said a little louder.

Considering his fame, he was ridiculously awkward in terms of compliments. In America, you got rushed by fans that laid way too many compliments on you. From what you’d seen of All Might in the press, you were sure that his situation was no different.

All Might yelled over the ramblings of his students, introducing the activity they’d be participating in. He surprisingly got it right. Mostly.

“Basically,” you summarized, “We’re going to have you use your quirks in a one-on-one battle. All Might will be on one side of the field, and I’ll be on the other. During the fight, we’ll be assessing your quirk and yelling out suggestions for how to counteract drawbacks. Whoever survives the longest in the ring wins.”

A few solemn nods followed your explanation.

“Great, I’ve already taken the liberty of splitting you into groups who will be under All Might’s watchful eyes and those who will be under mine.”

You didn’t miss the look of excitement on Mineta’s face. Idly, you wondered how much trouble you’d get in for punting a student across campus. Probably a lot. But could they blame you?

“You did?” All Might replied. At the look of confusion on the student’s faces, he continued. “Oh, you did! Right! Just like we planned!”

Man, this guy was not smooth at all.

“Kaminari, Uraraka, Tokoyami, Yaoyorozu, Todoroki, Ojiro, Jiro, Bakugo, Sero, and Midoriya- you’re with me. Everyone else with All Might.”

There was a hesitation in All Might’s eyes, and you knew exactly why. You’d chosen Midoriya on purpose. See, you had a gut feeling about All Might’s quirk. It was leagues above any other quirk, barring your own. And, your own quirk wasn’t exactly natural.

It worked almost like reincarnation. The next user was born when the previous died. With each reincarnation, the user could harness the abilities and knowledge of their predecessors. You still hadn’t fully mastered the more difficult aspect of your ability. In fact, you had only tapped into that power once before when under extreme emotional duress.

That wasn’t the point though. The point was, your quirk’s power comes from the fact that it’s not just a quirk you were born with. It was special. Which made you think that All Might’s quirk may be similar, especially since he’d always dodge the question.

After doing some research on Midoriya, you were starting to connect a few dots. Sure, you could straight up ask the dude, but you had a feeling he’d deny. Plus, where’s the fun in that?

Your little entourage of students followed you towards the right side of the ring, chatting the whole way.

You didn’t notice Shouta slip in behind either. You smiled at that.

“Kaminari, you’re up first,” you told the blonde. “Focus on smaller attacks. If you can give yourself more time between charges, you should be able to last longer in fights.”

The kid nodded, giving his classmates a thumbs up as he headed towards the ring. You took the opportunity to take a few steps back, bringing yourself closer to Shouta.

“Are you always this watchful of your students or are you just trying to spend more time with me?”

Shouta’s deadpan expression hardly changed, though you did detect a hint of pink. One sentence in and you were already working your charm.

“Cute thought, but not true.”

You smirked.

“Not that I’m unhappy to see you or anything, but you’re quite the distraction.”

You took an extra moment to drag your eyes up the length of his figure. Instead of shying away completely, he practically rose to the challenge.

“Shouldn’t you be watching the students, not me?”

You laughed, breaking the flirty atmosphere. (Though, you did catch the look that Bakugo was giving the both of you. He looked like he was going to throw up. Or just murder the both of you. Maybe both?)

“Right, have fun watching.”

You turned your focus back towards the students at hand. The trials started to go by quicker as you spent your time analyzing how you could give them an advantage with their quirk. Kaminari did well with more attacks but with less power to each one. Uraraka was a bit more challenging. However, you figured with more practice she could extend the amount of quirk she could use before she’d worry about drawbacks. You’d also discussed the option of using smaller items with her quirk, and learning hand-to-hand combat so she could combine the two for attacks.

Tokoyami’s biggest issue was too much light, or too much dark. He needed a balance for his quirk. You decided you’d work with him about controlling Dark Shadow when he was in the dark, but as for the light portion, the two of you discussed having Tokoyami take the offensive and Dark Shadow act as his defensive line.

Yaoyorozu was a question of her lipids. You discussed possibly modifying her diet, as well as crafting simple general items to begin with before worrying about larger, more complicated items that would be specific to the problem at hand. Todoroki, as previously discussed, was the easiest drawback for you to solve. After all, much like your own quirk, his was self regulating. You’d been working with him already too.

The kid’s progress really was making you proud, even if he wasn’t using his fire side fully yet.

Ojiro didn’t have much of a drawback specifically because of his quirk, but you could tell that he needed to work on his combat skills. He was good with his tail, but he needed to be good with his hands and feet too if he ever wanted to stand a chance as a pro. The main focus with Jiro was fine-tuning her offensive abilities. She had a pretty good handle on how to use her quirk for intel, but she needed to do more offensively.

Bakugo was interesting to watch. His quirk was powerful, and he had a high tolerance before he began to even hit a limit. You could see it though, when the muscle in his arms tensed passed his control. But, you wanted to work on his attitude. His temper was very familiar. It made you miss your hot-headed friend you’d left behind at your agency.

Helias, your fire protege.

You missed a lot about your old life, but mostly the four heroes who studied under you. There was one for each of the elements. You’d chosen them so carefully, hoping to pass on your knowledge and wisdom of the elements. Yet, here you were, abandoning them.

Your smile had faded then, and you forced yourself to focus on the rest of the students. After Bakugo was Sero. Sero had a limit to the amount of tape he could produce. If he could use them a bit more conservatively, then he’d find the most success. Midoriya was the last one in your group. You still didn’t let him use his quirk. You did give him some pretty good advice on how to get a hold on it without breaking all of his bones though. It was untested, and possibly wouldn’t work, but you knew what it was like to have a power more than what you could control.

By the end, all of the students were exhausted. You’d waved them off with a smile and a “good job,” not wanting to make them stick around if they didn’t have to. They all let out a breath of relief, practically dragging their feet towards the locker rooms.

“I think they learned quite a bit,” All Might pronounced proudly.

You nodded.

“Yeah, they’re doing a good job at keeping up.”

“You two need a ‘Teaching For Dummies’ book,” Shouta grumbled.

All Might frowned at your laugh.

“I think you’re just mad because the students like us more than you,” you teased, poking fun at Shouta.

Shouta muttered something under his breath that you didn’t quite catch, but you waved it off.

“Anyways, I have something I have to take care of, don’t work the kids too hard at the USJ tomorrow, okay?”

Both men nodded.

You ran off towards where the students exited only a few minutes prior. For the past few days, you’d been working with Todoroki after hours. You knew it wasn’t entirely fair to all of the students, so to partially make up for it you wanted to try and give them all extra support. You specifically wanted to focus on Bakugo at the moment though.

He had an incredibly powerful quirk, and you had no doubt that his power would bring him places, but his temper could be somewhat of an issue. That’s where you’d start. You’d help him like you helped Helias.

Then, you could start helping the others as well.

Besides, you excelled at one on one training.

#aizawa shouta x reader #eraserhead x reader #mha imagine #vendetta

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wallythayer · 7 years ago

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The Good News About Bad Behavior

“Kids today!”

Seemingly every generation of adults has bemoaned the behavior of children and teens. This particular group of youngsters — so goes the trope — is wilder and more ill-mannered than they ever were.

But journalist (and parent) Katherine Reynolds Lewis contends that kids today actually do struggle more with behavior and do present greater discipline challenges than previous generations. Citing a well-documented rise in mental-health diagnoses over the past 30 years, including depression, anxiety, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), as well as an alarming increase in suicide rates, Lewis points to a perfect storm of cultural forces that undermine our kids’ ability to control their emotions, thoughts, and impulses. Our children face a “crisis of self-regulation,” she argues, and, left unchecked, this crisis has significant ramifications.

In her new book, The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever — And What to Do About It, Lewis argues that parents, teachers, and others tasked with helping to raise children must rethink their approaches to discipline. We spoke with Lewis to better understand the challenges kids face today, to learn why many approaches to parenting are ineffective (and sometimes harmful), and to identify the personal qualities we can help kids cultivate in order to thrive and grow into emotionally healthy adults.

Experience Life | Please give us a sense of the kinds of problems you’re talking about in your book. What do some of these discipline challenges look like?

Katherine Reynolds Lewis | Think of the children with anxiety who have trouble with transitions, who don’t want to leave the house to go to an activity that they were excited about in theory. Those are kids who have trouble managing their emotions — in this case, feelings of fear. The kids who are jumping out of their seats in class are having trouble controlling their impulses. Or think of the children who struggle to manage their attention and thoughts. These are situations where kids haven’t learned how to self-regulate.

EL | Why do today’s children struggle so much with behavior? What’s different now than in earlier generations?

KRL | No. 1 is play. Kids no longer play as much as they used to, or in a lightly supervised way. They’re not getting fresh air, they’re not getting exercise, and they’re also not getting social interaction with other kids, which is how children have always learned social skills, including cooperation. It’s also how kids learn impulse control and even abstract thought — when they’re pretending. The most powerful motivation for children to actually control themselves is when they’re playing with other children without adult intervention.

No. 2 is the growth in technology and social media, which are bombarding us with information that often makes us feel bad about ourselves, plus a celebrity culture that causes us to turn our gaze outward. When we’re looking externally for validation and for signs of what we should want and what we should do, we are not looking inside ourselves for what drives and feeds us. That external focus is associated in clinical research with anxiety and depression.

And the third factor is the decline in connection and community. In our overscheduled lives we often don’t have the time to stop and say hello to a neighbor. Whereas in previous generations, our 12-year-old may have been out mowing a neighbor’s lawn, now he’s going from soccer practice to band to tutoring. Kids often don’t have that sense of how they fit in with their community and how they’re contributing.

EL | To what degree might our parenting and discipline methods also be part of the problem?

KRL | The one ineffective thing that almost every parent does is rely on the reward-or-punishment model as a way to try to make kids behave. But we don’t want our children to grow up always needing someone there telling them what to do, right? We want them to cultivate self-discipline, problem-solving skills, and knowledge of what’s needed in a situation — and the sooner we start doing that, the faster they’re going to develop it.

So when we see our children misbehaving, instead of trying to impose our will on them, we should ask, “What do they need to learn that this situation requires?” And then find the path to that.

EL | You describe three common parenting styles that represent a range of effectiveness when it comes to helping kids find that path to self-discipline. What are these?

KRL | Authoritarian parents try to make the kids do what they want, and their philosophy is, “I am the boss and you must do what I say.” Those are the parents who may get the appearance of compliance because they’re ruling by fear. But the children may turn sneaky and just do what they want. They may get resentful. And often, they end up having a lot of depression and mental-health problems because their own voice is subjugated. They’re also missing that connection and relationship with their parents.

On the other side of the spectrum are permissive parents, who basically put the relationship first. They may think, “I want to be my kid’s friend” or “I don’t want to have conflict,” and then they get walked all over. Children who have permissive parents often don’t really do that great in school, and they may experiment more with drugs and alcohol, because they don’t have a lot of rules. They usually have very good relationships with their parents but will get into more risk-taking behaviors and don’t generally have great outcomes in adulthood for employment, stable relationships, and drug use.

Authoritative parenting is when you have a strong, nurturing connection with your child and a lot of warmth in your interactions, but you set firm and clear limits and you have structure. So you may have an agreement in the family that we all do our chores before we have screen time. Or that we don’t speak to each other with disrespect. When you’re setting a limit or enforcing a family rule, you’re not being mean or angry or yelling. You’re just saying, “The TV is off during dinnertime,” and turning off the TV or standing there until the child turns off the TV. You’re neither caving in the way a permissive parent would, nor yelling or coming down with the hammer the way an authoritarian parent would.

EL | So the goal of discipline seems to be less about getting what we want in the moment and more about helping to develop an adult with certain skills.

KRL | That’s a great way to put it. The original meaning of the word “discipline” in Latin was “to instruct,” or “to teach,” so instead of being about punishing or making kids feel bad, the goal should be to help children learn to self-discipline, to self-regulate, or whatever other missing skill they need in a given situation.

EL | How do we give them those skills?

KRL | Several research-backed models of discipline point to three common components of successful parenting: connection, communication, and capability-building.

Intentional connection between parent and child — where we’re not half listening, on our phones, or distracted by something else — is simply about giving them our attention. It could even be for 15 minutes at a time when we’re engaged one-on-one in an activity together. Another wonderful way to connect is by doing something fun as a family, even just taking a walk together, having family routines, or that bedtime story. All of these activities are putting money in the bank of our relationships that we can draw on when there’s a conflict or a problem — because we’ve built up that strong relationship and connection.

Communication is not just about adults talking to kids, but listening as well, and really trying to see from their perspective. Yeah, I may feel that it’s important to get out the door and to my job on time, but they really love this new flower that’s bloomed up through the garden and it won’t hurt to take 30 seconds and stop and talk about that exciting moment of spring. Or hearing about their problems at school and not jumping in with advice or opinions, but just listening and asking probing questions. This helps them problem-solve and sparks their critical thinking about what the situation might be.

And capability is about learning not only self-regulation skills — managing strong emotions, controlling impulses, learning to plan and organize — but also household skills that really feed kids’ self-esteem. So taking care of a younger sibling, helping to get dinner on the table, planning a family vacation: all of those kinds of things give a child a sense of belonging in the family. They have an important role and they’re contributing to the well-being of other family members. Not only does this build social connection in the family, but it also helps them feel better about themselves and feel that they really matter.

EL | Teaching kids to regulate their emotions, thoughts, and impulses seems like a daunting task. You describe an “apprenticeship model” for this. What does that look like?

KRL | We know that children’s brains are dramatically influenced by their parents, and so when we’re securely connected with our kids, we form a kind of external self-regulation for them. We can help them to practice calming down and regulating themselves. The apprenticeship model teaches children to stay in that regulated state or return to it as quickly as possible.

It goes all the way down to the level of our physiology. Even just being physically next to each other, the parent will influence the child’s heart rate, breathing, and stress level. So when we’re amped up and we’re in a fight-or-flight state, when we’re activated, we’re going to activate our child. If we can be mindful, take a deep breath, calm ourselves before we respond, then we’re teaching our children, even without saying a word. Just that unconscious connection teaches that child how to self-regulate.

EL | So we have to be able to regulate ourselves, too.

KRL | We have to put our own oxygen masks on first, or we cannot help our children. Every time we lose our cool and yell at someone, we’re teaching our children that that’s how we handle stress. Every time we take a minute and a breath and say, “I’m feeling like I’m going to yell, so instead I need to walk outside for five minutes to cool down,” we teach our children to handle conflict in a healthy way.

EL | And the stakes are high.

KRL | This is our children’s mental and behavioral health and future well-being at stake. Even though it seems like it’s a lot of work to control your own response and try to be a very warm-yet-firm parent, the result is you’re going to have a mentally healthy adult who wants to come home at Thanksgiving and spend time with you. Having a mentally healthy adult child who also has a good relationship with you — I can’t think of anything that’s higher stakes than that.

EL | How has writing this book changed your parenting and your relationship with your kids?

KRL | It has completely changed my parenting. Reporting and writing this book really kept me honest. I would be learning about all these important developments in brain science and child development, about how you really should be warm and compassionate with your children, and then the kids would come in and dump their backpacks on the floor and fight! I would have to call on every fiber of strength to be mindful and respond instead of react. It’s also helped me just to take things a little easier. I don’t need my kids to get straight A’s. I need them to learn how to learn, and to have a more long-term view of what success looks like. So that’s really changed us all. I was such a type A, really driven perfectionist, and I think I’ve become more relaxed and more tolerant, and hopefully a better mom.

Learn more about Katherine Reynolds Lewis’s book at katherinerlewis.com, and take her parenting-style quiz at https://apps.facebook.com/…/what-kind-of-parent-are-you-220…

Get the full story at https://experiencelife.com/article/the-good-news-about-bad-behavior/

#brain

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psychotherapyconsultants · 7 years ago

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Powerful Ways to Be More Patient with Your Kids

It’s hard to be patient when your child is turning the color of the tomatoes you just passed because you won’t let them fling produce out of your shopping cart. It’s hard to be patient when your child is taking forever to get ready for preschool or finish their homework or eat their food or do their chores. It’s hard to be patient when your child is being silly, and you need them to be serious. It’s especially hard to be patient when you’re stressed, anxious or overworked, when you’re yearning for 30 minutes to sit down in silence.

When we start unraveling, we’re more likely to snap at our kids and say things we regret. We’re more likely to yell and criticize. We’re more likely to erupt and shatter, sometimes not even recognizing ourselves.

Our patience can wear thin with pressure and big expectations. “The high demands of busy schedules, the pressure to ‘do it all’ and achieve can lead us to become so caught up in daily tasks that the richness of raising children becomes reduced to managing family life, instead of simply being with our children,” said Deniz Ahmadinia, PsyD, a psychologist who specializes in mindful parenting, stress and trauma at the West Los Angeles VA.

Parenting can become just one of many, many tasks on our endless to-do lists, another task to get through, so we can move on to the next thing, she said.

Patience is vital because it’s part of creating a deep, meaningful connection with our kids. “[H]aving a warm, flexible, responsive connection to our children is fundamental to virtually every aspect of parenting,” said Carla Naumburg, PhD, a writer, parent coach and author of three parenting books, including the forthcoming How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids (Workman, 2019).

We also teach our kids how to treat themselves. Naumburg pointed out that it’s especially vital to be patient when our kids are struggling with big, overwhelming emotions. “When we get upset or frustrated and try to rush them through these challenging moments, our kids learn that their feelings aren’t safe, and they don’t learn how to effectively take care of themselves when they feel scared, angry, sad, or confused.” However, when we are patient, calm and kind with our kids in sensitive situations, they’ll learn to respond to themselves with patience, calmness and kindness, too.

Ahmadinia also stressed the importance of being attuned to our kids’ emotions, helping them to soothe themselves and show empathy and compassion. This is critical when kids are young because their nervous systems and the brain structures responsible for emotional regulation are still forming, she said. Young kids don’t have the vocabulary or regulation skills to express themselves, soothe themselves and problem solve challenges—and they might “appear to act out in such moments.”

“Parents serve as models and eventually children adopt the way that they were soothed in times of stress as their own,” Ahmadinia said.

Our patience shows our kids that we have faith and confidence in them. For instance, something as small as being patient while your 5-year-old ties her own shoelaces demonstrates “that we trust the child and believe in her ability to do it herself,” Naumburg said.

The good news is that we can cultivate patience in ways that end up being powerful both for our kids and for ourselves. Below, Ahmadinia and Naumburg shared their tips.

Respect your limits. “[I]f your resources are tapped out, chances are you are going to respond to those around you in a less than ideal way,” Ahmadinia said. She stressed the importance of “finding simple ways to give back to yourself,” which might look like: taking a short walk; savoring the warmth and aroma of your coffee or tea; focusing on your breath for a few minutes (even when you’re in the pick-up line).

Naumburg suggested slowing down and taking deep breaths while repeating a mantra. She often tells herself to “smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

Prioritize sleep. “[I]t’s incredibly hard to be patient when you’re exhausted,” Naumburg said. Of course, being a parent often means you’re short on sleep, because you’ve got a newborn or a baby who’s teething or a child who’s just never been a good sleeper.

But we also shrug off sleep’s importance and choose to sacrifice sleep while scrolling social media (dropping down the rabbit hole for an hour), or doing one more thing, which turns into 10 more things. Reflect on what’s within your control in getting more restful sleep, so you’re not already exhausted before starting your day.

Do one thing at a time. “[W]hen we’re trying to make dinner while scrolling through Facebook and a kid jumps in with a question or request, it’s likely to stress us out and leave us feeling snappy or impatient,” Naumburg said. When can you simply focus on one thing?

Shift from “doing mode” to “being mode.” Doing mode is living inside our minds. We’re with our kids but we’re writing to-do lists in our heads, and thinking about the next place we have to be or the next task we have to perform, Ahmadinia said. It is going through the motions of putting your child to bed, reading their favorite books and saying good night all the while thinking through emails and wondering if you’ll be able to sneak in an episode of your favorite show.

“Being mode means shifting in that moment to simply be with your child, to be aware of what you are doing with him or her, to notice how he or she is responding…Being mode can also shift us from paying attention to the end result to the process, allowing us to fully be present for the small everyday moments that make up the beauty and wonder of being a parent.”

Support yourself. “We all do the best we can with the resources we have,” Ahmadinia said. She urged parents to remember that you’re not alone in your struggles, and to use supportive self-talk. This can simply mean telling yourself: “All parents struggle. I’m doing the best I can” or asking yourself: “How can I support myself through this? What would help right now?” This not only shrinks our own stress, but it, again, models to our kids “how to be kind and encouraging to oneself rather than harsh and punishing.”

Repair. The reality is that we will make mistakes, because we’re human, and that’s perfectly OK. When your patience evaporates, you have the opportunity to repair and reconnect with your child. According to Ahmadinia, this means asking your child how they’re feeling and validating those feelings. It might mean taking responsibility or apologizing for an action that scared or upset your child, she said: “I’m sorry I yelled, I got scared when I saw you run into the street.”

“[A]pproaching conflict in this manner can restore safety and closeness between parent and child, increasing the likelihood that children have a safe haven when they are upset.”

“It’s OK to get frustrated with your kids, it’s OK to be impatient, it’s OK to set limits on problematic behavior, it’s OK to rush them along if you are legitimately in a hurry,” Naumburg said. “That’s real life, and preparing our kids to function in the real world is an important part of parenting.” The key, she said, is to make sure you’re balancing your impatience with “moments of patience and connection.” Because your connection with your child is the foundation for everything.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/powerful-ways-to-be-more-patient-with-your-kids/

#World of Psychology

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psychotherapyconsultants · 7 years ago

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Helping Children Learn How to Manage Emotions

Emotions are an integral part of life. They are tied to our social and sensory feelings, enabling us to make sense of our inner landscape. Without them, we wouldn’t be able to fully experience the rich diversity of life.

While emotions come easily to most of us, they can be difficult to navigate even as adults. Children especially find it hard to control themselves when in the grip of strong emotions. Due to this, raising emotionally healthy kids requires a delicate balance. On one hand, we want them to learn to express themselves, but on the other we don’t want them to get out of control.

Tips for Teaching Kids Handle Their Emotions

Kids who don’t learn to manage their emotions often end up seeking unhealthy coping mechanisms including substance abuse, violence, promiscuity or rebellion towards authority. Repressing emotions can also lead to serious problems including depression, anxiety and self-harm among others. That’s why it’s important that we try to help our kids learn how to manage them.

Here are a few effective tips on how to go about it:

Model healthy emotional self-regulation.

Children are keen observers and they will emulate what you do. If you yell, they learn to yell. Speak respectfully and they’ll copy that. Your own behavior can go a long way towards negating or reinforcing whatever habits you’re trying to teach your kids. So instead of yelling or making intimidating remarks when angry or upset, model healthy behavior by taking time out to calm down and act rationally. Doing this in front of your child helps them learn emotional regulation and self-control.

Acknowledge and validate your child’s emotions.

Learn to acknowledge your child’s or teen’s feelings even if they make you uncomfortable or you think they are unreasonable. Be empathetic instead of judgmental and use statements that reflect their emotions back to them like “That must have made you angry” or “You seem sad”. This validates their feelings and makes them feel understood.

Acknowledging and validating your child’s feelings sends a message that their emotions are important. They learn that having emotions might be uncomfortable but not dangerous. Consequently, they start accepting and processing their emotions instead of bottling them up, eventually gaining better emotional awareness and control.

Limit their actions but not their emotions.

First off, it’s impossible to limit your kid’s emotions. Telling him to calm down or punishing her won’t change the fact that they are upset. It only teaches them that their emotions are “bad” or “wrong” and they will try to repress them, leaving them to fester until they come bubbling out with disastrous consequences. A better approach is to teach them coping skills that can help them process their emotions.

Additionally, teach your children to separate their emotions from their actions. They need to learn that we can’t choose our emotions but we can choose how we behave, e.g., while it’s okay to get angry, it’s not okay to hit others or throw things. With a lot of patience and compassion, you can help them learn this.

Let them talk it out.

Another good strategy involves encouraging your child to talk things out. Talking about an upsetting incident will not only help you discover what triggered a meltdown but also allows your child to make sense of things. Letting it all out helps them express, sort through and resolve their fears, sadness or anger, eliminating the chance of unresolved trauma or repressed emotions coming back to haunt them in future.

Help them find healthy emotional outlets.

A huge part of having a healthy emotional life involves learning how to channel negative emotions in positive or constructive ways. Having an emotional outlet allows your child to release any pent-up emotions, boosting their mental health. Furthermore, your kid can learn a lot about themselves and even improve their social life by taking up some forms of self-expression such as dancing, playing an instrument, painting, writing or taking up a sport.

We can’t do without emotions so helping your child manage theirs is important for their sense of self as well as their mental health and social wellbeing.

Resources:

Bernstein J. (2013, Sept 30). Five Easy, Powerful Ways to Validate Your Child’s Feelings. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201309/five-easy-powerful-ways-validate-your-childs-feelings

A Better Look At Teen Self-Harm – Infographic. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.liahonaacademy.com/a-better-look-at-teen-self-harm-infographic.html

Handel S. (2011, May 13). 50 Ways To Constructively Channel Negative Emotions. Retrieved from http://www.theemotionmachine.com/50-ways-to-constructively-channel-negative-emotions/

Social Skills: Controlling Emotions. (2017, April 30). Retrieved from https://www.conovercompany.com/social-skills-controlling-emotions/

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/helping-children-learn-how-to-manage-emotions/

#World of Psychology

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