#the grieving process is wild lol

[whatsevengoingonanymore]

I lost a “friend” this year. We never met in person but we lived in the same area, knew the same people, and were the same age. He followed my personal account on instagram about two-ish years ago and was just lurking. He liked and reacted to a lot of my stories. At one point he switched the theme of our chat and that’s when I started talking to him. It was on and off, hot and cold. Maybe more lukewarm than anything. I tried to go hang out with him in person. I barely knew what he looked like. Most of his public photos had his face hidden by his phone.

After it went nowhere and I gave up trying to hang out in person he would send me some local and travel hot spots that looked cool. We still interacted with each other online. He followed my tattoo journey and was one of my biggest supporters online when I was just starting out. Before the summer convention he messaged me telling me he was excited for me because I would be tattooing at this year’s convention. My first convention within my first year of tattooing. He said he looked up to me.

A couple months later I noticed he wasn’t as active anymore online. That’s normal though. We’re adults, we get busy, we’re supposed to outgrow being glued to our phones(working on that myself lol) but one day I was curious about him. So I looked him up on Facebook.

I already knew his Facebook because during a desperate era of my dating life I decided to try Facebook dating. Before I deleted it after a few days I matched with him on there. I just called him by his instagram username and that made him laugh. At least I hope it did. “Lmao” can be a hollow response sometimes.

When I checked his profile there was one new update. It was his own post but written by his mother and at little less than a day old. She was writing to inform everyone that he had passed away. I didn’t know how to feel.

Should I feel sad? I barely knew him. I didn’t know what he was to me at that point. Part of me wished I tried harder to hang out with him in person. Not because of some savior complex but because I wish I had taken the chance. I liked him. On a superficial level albeit. He was attractive. He seemed cool. I wish I got to know him better I wish I wasn’t so scared to be more direct. Reading back at messages I did try but I never really got anything from his end.

In the end, I learned more about him after his death through loved ones who actually knew him. And I feel awful about that. I feel selfish and self centered. I feel selfish and self centered for even feeling that way. Someone lost a son, a brother, a friend. Can I even say I lost a friend?

I’m sorry we never had the opportunity to become friends. Maybe we were friends. I hope we were friends on some level.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

Im pretty sure it's mentioned somewhere that the magic shop was originally owned by Mc's Aunt- I assume since she doesn't appear in the game & some other timeline nonsense she must have died before mc did.

What about some hcs (mini or small, whatever you like) about M6 and Mc's relationship with their aunt? Ex: Asra and Muriel must have known her, Julian might have ect and how they'd help Mc learning that they had an aunt who passed away.

(feel free to ignore this if it turns out I'm stupid and misremembering there being an aunt lol )

The Arcana Mini-HCs: M6 helping MC mourn their Aunt

Julian: doesn't know what it's like to lose someone you don't remember, but does know what it's like to lose a family member. will sit and hold your hands any time you need to talk about it

Asra: remembers your aunt and happily tells you everything they know about her once it's safe to do so. will go through the shop and point out everything that reminds him of her so you remember too

Nadia: can't really relate to what you're experiencing beyond memory loss, but she'll gladly make her family your family too. and maybe get a list of your aunt's friends and request written memories for you

Muriel: remembers your aunt vaguely, mostly from your and Asra's tellings. will do his best to help you reconnect with your lost family like he is his own - and maybe ask Khamgalai's ghost for a boost

Portia: knows what it feels like to lose family you don't remember having. regularly jokes that you're welcome to take Aunt Tasya off her hands, but in all seriousness, she would have loved to meet her too

Lucio: doesn't really know how to help you with the grieving process, though he'd like to have his dad and clan back too. tends to deal with it by making up wild guesses at what kind of person she was

[shrinkthisviolet]

Iris and Wally for the character ask thingy? :)

Iris West-Allen

favorite thing about them

She’s so tenacious, I love her for it! And her strongest superpowers are her belief and investigative skills—I find that inspiring

least favorite thing about them

Her “three list” in s1

favorite line

“It’s okay. A girl’s gotta be her own hero every now and again” and “All the information I have on Black Hole will be immediately released…so tell your friend to stand down.” That’s our girl, standing on business!!

brOTP

Iris & Cisco, my sunshine twin babies 💞

OTP

Westallen, Westhallen, Barriscowest!

nOTP

Iris/Eobard

random headcanon

She and Caitlin became friends post-s1 via bonding over losing their fiancés. Caitlin found the grieving process much easier this time around—not because the loss hurt any less, but because she had someone who Got It, who knew exactly how she felt and didn’t try to placate or soothe her. Iris, for her part, was ALSO glad to have someone who let her feel her feelings without trying to placate or soothe her—it felt good. They smashed more than a few things together to let out some of the pent-up grief…and by the time Iris was ready to move on with Barry, by the time she and Caitlin had that talk, it came from a woman who knew exactly how Iris felt, exactly what her hesitations were, and encouraged her to go for it anyway

unpopular opinion

Apparently even liking her is an unpopular opinion lol but here’s one: song i associate with them

song i associate with them

Seeing Green by Nicky Minaj!

favorite picture of them

Look at her!! Adorable 🥰 and this is one of my favorite hairstyles of hers

Wally West

favorite thing about them

How considerate he is! It’s not a trait the show often showcases, but he worries about Iris enough to go to the hospital and sit by her bedside even after they fought, he’s racing specifically to raise money for his mom’s medical bills, he wants to be a hero to help people (not just because he thinks it’ll be cool to have powers—when he thinks there’s a chance of him not getting powers, he specifically says “So you think, just let it go? Give up on wanting to help people?”), etc. He’s got a bigger heart than people give him credit for!

least favorite thing about them

I love him, I do, and I don’t fault him for being mad that Barry proposed to Iris out of fear (nor do I blame him more than Barry, as some morons do), but…he should’ve confronted Barry privately about that. Maybe with Iris, but not with everyone else

favorite line

“I'm fast, really fast. I might even be the fastest man alive. And when I'm running, there's no greater feeling in the world. I can move through the city like a guardian angel, protecting people who need me.” Speaks to that need for speed that he’s been chasing since s2…and calls back to when his biggest disappointment of not having powers was feeling like he couldn’t help people!

brOTP

Wally & Barry and Wally & Iris ofc

OTP

Wallylinda/Wallinda!! They’re canon in my heart idc

nOTP

Hmm well I don’t like Wally/Jesse, but I like them platonically, so…does that count 😅

random headcanon

Wally is absolutely the fun uncle who indulges Nora and Bart’s every whim, no matter what Barry and Iris have to say about it. Nothing too unsafe ofc, moreso things like sneaking them sweets late at night, or letting them stay up past bedtime…or taking them for a little time travel spin in a fully controlled environment, Barry, I’d never let anything happen to my niblings!

unpopular opinion

People being more mad at him for revealing that Barry proposed to Iris out of fear than they are mad at Barry for proposing that way in the first place is absolutely wild. Obviously Wally should’ve confronted Barry privately, not in front of anyone, but don’t act like he was more in the wrong than Barry

song i associate with them

Everybody Loves Me by OneRepublic!

favorite picture of them

He's so confident and happy here 🥰

character ask game!

[kikker-oma]

Idk if I already posted this one but ima give my friend angst cuz - yes

And yes I kinda trash talked Time in this one but I had to put someone to cause a breaking point lol

Rain poured as Time knelt down to the dead body, “We will burry him here.” Time sighed,  “It’s painful, but we have to keep moving. That’s what he would have wanted.” He stroked a stray lock of hair away from Legend’s pale, lifeless face.

Four don’t feel upset, no, he could never feel upset. If there was one thing he felt, it would be anger. It was his fault. He told the group to head south. He forged the shield Legend used. If he just made it stronger, if he could do more than shoot stupid arrows at that Hinox then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t be dead.

But that wasn’t the only thing that angered Four. No, surprisingly, it was Time who angered him the most. His brother is dead, and all the old man says is to move forward.

“Are you serious?” Four clenched his fist. It would feel amazing to punch that old man in the face, but he has to keep strong. For his brother. 

“The monsters are multiplying by day, we can’t waste any more time.” Time twisted his ring, he does that when he’s nervous. He’s nervous because he knows Four. Is. Right.

“Our brother,” The smith dropped down to his knees, clasping the cold, pale, hand, “Our brother, the guy who faced so much for us, is gone. And all you do is say we bury him and move on?!” Warm tears trickled down his cheeks, dampening the bloody fabric beneath him, “He didn’t deserve to die.”

“Look smithy, we’re all upset, but we have to keep-“ Twilight’s hand was immediately swatted away.

“No! Are you guys idiots?!” Four held the lifeless body in his arms. Whether it was adrenaline rush or natural strength, his point still stands, “You guys can go, but he is family. You don’t. Abandon. Family!” He shrieked, “It’s all my fault. I basically killed him. If I just worked harder, I could have saved him.” He squeezed Legend’s hands. The vast amount of rings and bracelets he had on was insane. Why didn’t the defense rings do their job? Why?

Hyrule tried to take a step closer, only to be met with the tip of a sword, “Don’t you dare take him away from me!” His hands shook as he held the sword, “I refuse to fight these stupid monsters unless we are back to nine, like it’s supposed to be, not eight!” He choked, “I don’t care where you decide to go, or when. Just let me hold my brother a bit longer.”

“He’s right guys,” Wild looked over, tears in his eyes, “I never got to say all the things I wanted to say to the veteran. Let’s at least take a while to process this.” 

Four slowly got a cloth from his pocket and wiped the grime off of Legend’s peaceful face, “Your efforts were not in vain, brother.” He looked around, realizing the rest already went to fend off the rest of the monsters, “I promise, I’ll never forget you.” 

As night falls, the air gets colder, and now Four is drowning in sleet.

HOW DARE YOU😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔

Noooooooooooooooo Legendd NNOOOOOOOOOO

Blare you're EVIL🥲

Poor Time and Twi, also grieving but trying to get the group moving. The other boys are not having it though, especially Four! Oh poor babies

What happened to Legend?!?!?! What killed our precious bunny boy💔💔

[beardedmrbean]

"office himbos bringing me macaroni and cheese" reminds me of the time I was absolutely hammered out of my mind on the floor of my kitchen (I was going through my own shit at the time, Christmastime meant 14hr + shifts, and my roommate was (which I didn't know at the time but I did suspect) trying to have me killed, but I kept bumbling through his murder attempts like some kind of drunk Mr. Bean) and a friend of mine called from 2000mi away to tell me that her dearly beloved dog that she'd had since she was 6 had just died. And here I am, trying to process that in the grand scheme of the universe and trying to remember what you're supposed to say to people when they're grieving, and in my desperate, grasping-at-straws-for-literally-anything-to-say state, I said "I'm really sorry, I don't remember how I'm supposed to proceed from here. Did you know a single ravioli is actually called a raviolo?" and she said "...you know, actually. That does make me feel better. I don't know why, but it does."

Six years later she still tells people about that lol

If this is a legit story and not the plot of some piece of media that's insane, and wild, and crazy, maybe a bit nuts too.

Also good you managed to help with the oddness

[taylorhawkins]

I haven't been active on anything lately so I don't know, what kind of hate are the foos getting? also just why? how can anyone give them hate after what they're going through

Hi love ❤️ Ugh, so I haven’t seen it on tumblr, mainly just Instagram & Facebook & YouTube, but there’s been a lot of hate comments towards Josh, and to the band for continuing on without Taylor, calling them greedy and money hungry and saying they don’t care about him. Like??? It’s fucking ridiculous. I did think some of the new music is a little forced sounding - not that they’re trying to rush it or anything but just that they’re struggling to continue without him, which I think is a natural part of the healing process and I’ve seen it in other bands I love that lost a member. It’s not like they just went oh here’s the new guy we’re resuming as normal, they’re honoring him at every show and they made a record dedicated to him, I haven’t seen Dave get through one FF performance without tears since then, and Josh is an amazing guy AND he has the hawk logo all over his drums. And he was friends with Taylor. 🙄

It kinda reminds me of how many people just brushed over the rest of the band when Taylor died and singled out Dave as the only one that could be grieving. Like yes, maybe he took it the hardest since they were the closest, but I seldom heard how Pat must feel despite the fact that he’s lost 3 bandmates now, or how Nate must feel despite the fact that he knew Taylor and loved Taylor for 25 years too, or how Chris and Rami felt despite the fact they were best friends with Taylor too and were just as impacted by him. Like they are very open about how they’re all best friends, and the fact that Josh has stepped in to act as the glue to prevent them from drifting apart and to stick together during such a painful time makes me incredibly happy… I have no idea why other people see it as a bad thing. And the whole “greed” thing is probably coming from Karens who can’t wrap their head around the fact that most musicians make music because they love it, not because of the money, and that’s why they’re containing on as a band lmfao

I hate to give it attention but it was a lot of comments and it honestly shocked me, I was thinking the same thing. How can anybody be that fucking cruel and senseless after all they’ve been through is beyond me. I guess maybe it’s coming from a perspective of not wanting the band to be different or to see someone else behind the kit, but they have to move on and heal, and it’s selfish for people to not want them to do that. But then again there’s a lot of loonies out there that believe in wild conspiracies or that Dave worked him to death or forced him to do things against his will so who fucking knows 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you for the ask 💓💓 sorry I ranted a little there LOL

[into--folklore]

okay i listened to the leak dont @ me

i only listened through once because thats what i had time for tonight but ill be listening more over time lol

anyway it has some good songs it has some bad songs and cringe lyrics but eh ! overall its alright. i would say middle tier tsw*ft content. i would say it would fall in my rankings here atm:

folklore > rep > midnights > evermore > speak now > ttpd > 1989 > lover > red > fearless > debut

spoilers i guess for implied TayLore but uh its implied joe not only suicide baited her but also love bombed her, abadoned her in their home alone and then cheats on her possibly multiple times while continuing to love bomb

some folk are saying that its prob m*tty he*ly that did the suicide baiting but i dont have enough context to dissect the muses of each song. idk it feels weird to have ur title track song be about your apparant fling from last spring and not the 6 yr relationship guy

eh again i need see written lyrics to really dissect each song like. just in terms of lyrical analysis (outside of the implications of her actual life too bc i think that gives for more personal connection to the songs)

again everything with a grain of salt bc we never know whats real and whats not. but i can "Understand" that for lil billionaire tsw*ft that having ur partner suicide bait u fucks you up a lot and why she "can" consider herself tortured because of it.

i mean i would be hypocritical to say otherwise bc my current art project is navigating the same feelings. or again, at least the feelings shes projecting in this music

i think its good at like. being her obviously trying to process these emotions honestly. of course from the perspective from someone so out of touch with "normal life" but still. who are we to tell someone how to grieve a complicated toxic relationship

im seeing some sw*fties say they really cannot relate but idk i could and can find myself relating to it more over time. it feels like an album that could be more of a grower over time than an immediate banger

florida is so good and its absolutely because florence has such a big part of it and shes such a vocal powerhouse. i wish we can get a full florence cover one day 🥺

top songs from first listen are: florida, whos afraid of little old me, and i can do it with a broken heart

^ florida ofc bc of florence but the other two have this like. angry manic episode energy that feels similar to rep. like genuinely i told my partner whos afraid of little old me reminded me of florence's dream girl evil. and i.... love dream girl evil

but really wild for multiple songs in this with lyrics about t*ylor wanting to kill herself bc she feels so bad. girlie.. relatable...

[inamanicpixiedream]

2023

I've answered these questions on various platforms for over ten years now, I think? That's wild. There's better questions out there but tradition is tradition.

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?

Put on a mother-fucking Fringe show. Bought a Lego advent calendar. Got divorced lol.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions?

I don't really make them any more, but I feel like I set out what I wanted to do.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yeah, a few of my good friends from work.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What cities/states/countries did you visit?

My partner finally moved here from Brisbane, but I did a couple of final trips there and we went back for a wedding. I did a whirlwind trip to Melbourne and while it was fun I found out I am not the kind of person who thrives on flying somewhere for less than 24 hours.

6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?

Money. God, I hate this is the answer, but my rent got super jacked up and my partner hasn't found a job here yet and everything is find but it's tight as fuck and I hate working so goddamn hard and feeling like I have nothing to show for it.

7. What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February my show was performed. April my partner moved here. Two of the biggest days of my life honestly.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

The show was huge. I wrote and performed something I had written, with my own financial backing and organisation and steam, and it's something I have always wanted to do. And I just did it. I then started making more and more moves to make this my life, like asking to go part-time at work and starting my podcast again and putting together a Patreon.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I actually can't think of anything which is kind of wild. After leaving my husband last year I really grabbed a hold of my agency in my life. It's been pretty incredible.

10. What other hardships did you face?

I had a lot to grieve and process about the separation and I am very thankful to my therapist for all the work she did there.

My current relationship is wonderful but being two adults coming together is going to have more baggage and things to work through. It's so absolutely worth it.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?

In July I was diagnosed with polycystic-ovary syndrome, which is yet another nail in the coffin of my ever being able to have children.

Along with that came a further investigation into my blood sugar and I was told I had pre-diabetes. This scared the shit out of me, cause I was really fucking close. I was also terrified about doing the work to try and reverse it, because I didn't want to get back into disordered eating territory. But I had incredible help from a dietician and I read really tempered, reasonable information, and I managed to make small, sustainable changes and turn that entire shit around. Within six months my levels were completely back to normal and all my other negative health markers were reversed. Honestly, this was another huge achievement.

12. What was the best thing you bought?

I just bought a new guitar that has become a huge joy in my life. I also got into beading when I went to see the Eras tour movie to make bracelets and I've kept it up and I absolutely love it as a hobby. Otherwise, I didn't really make a lot of big purchases. Contributing financially to helping my boyfriend move was pretty great to get him here.

13. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

I am often resisting the urge to come on here and write a very gushy post about my boyfriend, but god he is great. I wrote last year that I highly recommend falling in love in your thirties. My mum commented at Christmas that it's clear how happy he makes me, but it's beyond happy - he makes me calm. Even when things are hard and messy he is such a solid presence in my life, and he is so, so bloody nice to me, and I keep waiting for it to stop feeling like a crush and exciting every time I see him but it's been almost two years and that just has never gone away. He is so ridiculously supportive of me and has worked so hard on himself and I'm so proud of him.

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

No names, but a few people at work made me feel like I was banging my head against the wall.

Also, fuck everyone who has been supporting Israel's attack on Palestine.

15. Where did most of your money go?

Rent and household expenses is the very boring but realistic answer.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My show. My boyfriend finally moving here. Seeing Barbie.

17. What song will always remind you of this year?

I was so terrible at listening to new music this year. The songs that were written for my show, I guess. I listened to Peach Prc and Tessa Violet a lot, but I don't know if those songs will remind me of the year. Maybe Kitchen Song.

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Happier, happier, happier!

ii. Thinner or fatter? No comment!

iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer. But I have complete control of my finances and can still cover everything and then some. Have to remind myself I'll be okay.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of? Reading! This is something I have to work on.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of? Last year I said sleeping, which is very funny to me. Mindless scrolling is the answer this year for sure.

21. How did you spend Christmas? My extended family did out potluck on the Saturday before which was lovely, and my boyfriend was nervous cause he hadn't met half of them before, and he'd never been to a big Christmas before, but it was really great. My granny is pretty far gone with her Alzheimer's though which was a cloud that hung over everything

My boyfriend's mum then flew down on Christmas Eve, and we had lunch on the day with just us and our mums, cause we're both only children of single parents, and I was a bit concerned it'd be awkward, but it wasn't, it was really nice. We cooked an amazing meal together and both our mums bought the dogs presents. and we watched Fantasia and it was great.

22. Did you fall in love this year? 

I did not know it was possible to be in love the way we are. I sold myself short for years. It feels like a waste of time, but god, I cannot believe how lucky I am to have it now.

This is what I wrote last year, at the end of a much more extended answer, since 2022 was pretty big for us. But this is still absolutely true, and I can't get over it still.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t think so.

24. What was your favorite show? God, I didn't watch much that was new, but we rewatched 30 Rock because my boyfriend had never seen it and that was great.

25. What was the best book you read? The Bookbinder of Jericho by Pip Williams. Little Weirds by Jenny Slate. What You Are Looking for is in the Library by Michiko Aoyama.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year? I went to see Stop Making Sense and it got me very into The Talking Heads. Loved finding corook's music as well.

27. What was your favorite film? 

Films that came out this year - Barbie, Oppenheimer, Across the Spiderverse,

 Films I watched for the first time - Amadeus, Stop Making Sense, Best In Show, The Great Escape, Glass Onion.

I also went to a cinema event where we marathoned all five Twilight movies in a row, and that ruled.

28. What was your favorite meal?

We've been doing a roast chicken every Sunday together which has been great.

It's what we did on Christmas too and I made a kickass pavlova. Think that's definitely been the best meal of the year.

29. What did you want and get?

For my partner to move here.

30. What did you want and not get?

To win the fucking lottery.

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old did you turn?

I turned 35. I had a work event that night so did nothing special. That was fine.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Said it before, but having more financial stability and freedom sure would be nice.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of the year?

Comfortable. Embracing my body. Showing my tattoos. As sustainable as possible.

Wrote this last year. Stand by it.

34. What kept you sane?

My dogs. My friends. My boyfriend. Writing. Podcasts. Taylor Swift's music. Going to the movies.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most?

Caroline Klidonas is an actor I follow on TikTok whose work I just adore. I also love Pip Williams' writing so much, especially after seeing the play of A Dictionary of Lost Words.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The genocide in Gaza.

37. Who did you miss? Sometimes I miss the family I lost in the divorce.

But mostly not.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

I honestly don't feel like I've met many new people? Which is weird.

39. What valuable life lesson did you learn this year?

Go after what you want.

40. What is a quote or song lyric that sums up your year?

On the way home I wrote a poem You say, "What a mind" This happens all the time

'Cause they said the end is coming Everyone's up to something I find myself running home to your sweet nothings Outside, they're push and shoving You're in the kitchen humming All that you ever wanted from me was nothing

- Sweet Nothing, Taylor Swift

We live in hope--that life will get better, and more importantly that it will go on, that love will survive even though we will not. As Emily Dickinson put it, hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all. And we are here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here. Sing it with me, wherever you are. Think of those across the broad and roaring seas, and sing with me. You won’t be more offtune than I am. We’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here. We’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here.

- The Anthropocene Reviewed, John Green

[elliewilliams4eva]

I love yer rambling, you're fine mfvxjv /gen

Exactly! I didn't even have enough time to grieve and I was thrown into the Marston family stuff.

And going on to see him using Arthur's diary too made me feel wrong and icky so I just turned off my Xbox and went to stare at the wall for a few minutes lmao

My beautiful Sheila.. Arthur deserved so much more and Im in my depression era

aww thank you that's a relief lol

ABSOLUTLEY!!

looking at the journal as john felt wrong even thought arthur gave it to him and the HAT 😞

and yes it was very jarring to have to go to one of the saddest charecter deaths to picking up cow shit within like 10 minutes

and oh my goodness my poor baby horse

i was spoiled on the arthur part but no one warned me about my sweet horse 😞😞 that's why this time around i'm just gonna let her run off into the wild and imagine she's found a good life for herself

and yes arthur deserved so so much better then what he got especially high honour arthur who did nothing but put himself down consistently even thought everyone tried to show him he wasent this devious supervillain

gosh if only he coulda seen himself through the lense of the people he's helped

his whole thing is so sad i hate that he'd doomed by the narrative like wdym i can't save him?!? wdym i can't say screw you strauss and not go to downes

and also the way he's lost almost everything in the process too, we don't even see all his grief and feelings but with all he went through, with his dad, Eliza and Issac, Mary, the gang, he deserved to walk with some of that blackwater money and live a life

@shackspossum

[pluterrarium]

.

im not sure how to grapple with the fact that im starting to push 30 and have only started to feel like im actually allowed to....want to do things and develop skills that i want to have and enjoy the process .....instead of dedicating my entire existence to drawing just bc ive always boxed myself into the designated drawing guy or whatever its like... idk.......on top of extremely bad depression amd dysphoria...like. being in a hole you just cant crawl out of no matter what sucks ass man. and its only until now that i feel like. any shred of permission to seek any kind of help. like i feel like im constantly grieving for no reason and its out if my control no matter how much i try to positively reason with myself. like i have so much trouble feeling like im allowed to be my own person and have the freedom to engage with the world how i want

also i need to go fucking wild and bonkers who wants to be in a band that makes really bad music with me i need that so bad lol. its my middle school dream tbh i want to be a child again. im still mentally 15

[the-good-projxct]

Feb 19th, 2024

10.22 pm Listening to Mipso - people change. Sitting in bed in Karen. 

Theres this photo downstairs in Karen, as you enter the kitchen. It is a photo of my dad, his cousin and his grandfather, my granddads dad. My dad is a teenager, early teens. I love that picture, it also breaks my heart. It is a reminder that my dad was once a boy. Theres something about that realization that literally brings me to tears while also making me happy. We meet our parents as adults and don’t give them the grace, realization that they too were once children. I’ve been telling KaMami lately to take care of baby her. We are grown now, she can focus on the child within. On this journey of seeking Gøod and finding God, I found my inner child. I found childish wonder. I see the world through childish wonder/curiosity. And maybe that’s why it breaks my heart to see my dad as a boy. Maybe it’s because I can see how life beat the childish wonder out of my parents. I see it in fleeting moments but generally, they are deep in the tide of life. They may stop and smell the flowers but they are not lying down in a field of wild flowers for a whole afternoon. And now I want to cry, LOL. Bruh. I’ve been wanting/needing to cry for a few days now. I have lots of reasons to cry, grief, change, and my period. But also, I have been stifling my crying because didn’t I just get the thing I really wanted? I recognize that multiple truths can happen, I can have it all and still grieve the loss of what was. I am feeling a bit anxious and this is a true test of Trust the Universe. I have no idea what 3 months from now will look like. There is no plan, no agenda for 5 months. And coming from the western hustle culture, this chillin’, this peace, this zen is anxiety inducing. I know I am to use this time to process, to understand, to feel, to be but most of all to Trust the Universe. This is God’s plan. I don’t get to control it, I only get to pray on it and be present. I think all of these feelings brewing are what are making me want to cry. Like I feel the cry just building up but it’s not coming out yet, it will be a big cry over many different things. Also being here on a Sunday and seeing how divided and at odds a lot of my extended family are is quite sad. I feel sad that this is the state of affairs. I don’t think most of us will get together once my grandma passes away. That will be it. End of an era. End of a family dynasty. I am kind through it all. I am present through it all. I am humble through it all. These are big Truths I am witnessing and I have to be honest with myself. I have enough wisdom and respect to move through without ruffling any more feathers than my existence and presence already does. Thank God the nature here is peak and we spent a lot of time outside yesterday. The only thing I want from family and friends is time. That is it. And my part will be, I will Love anyway. I will be Gøod. I will be a Saint. I won’t start the war that I could. In north America, I healed so I wouldn’t start a war with others. In Kenya, I came home healed so I wouldn’t wage war against my family. Similar. Same Same. I talked to Munene for like 5hrs yesterday to curb the awkward dynamics going on in the house. I miss him. Nairobi feels weird without him here. Like something is missing. I talked to Mureithi and Aunty Bome today. Then I went to the mall to buy pads, panadol and some snacks. I read for awhile, chilled with the elders. I am Gøod. I am Saint. Ase.

[david-box]

Honeymoon States liveblog thing I wrote in my notes app but I post it a week late lol

Kendall having a poor little meow meow moment over here. Who's fucking house is this honestly do they all just fucking move all the time. Shout-out to Roman drinking from the sink same bro. Shiv looking real forlorn. Wait who's Sharon. SHES FUCKING PREGNANT. WHAT. WHATTT. WHAT. she's upset. Aw man.

The dark piano tones right when they're on an elephant always gets me. I'm surprised they didn't change the intro. Ope, Kendall with the big sunglasses again in the paparazzi, here we go again, back in the penthouse he ain't been in for years. Oh shit, Marcia!!! He spoke every morning and afternoon? Goddamn. Fuck. Oh um. Thanks. Marcia. Who was Hugo cussing out, lol. Kenda is surrounded by a lot of people he doesn't really know right now sitting in his home. Love how Roman's IDed by his finger taps. Like how he went from the dark room to the white room going from random ass sorry for your loss shit to his siblings joking around as soon as possible. Roman not processing it lol. Freight train a coming. Pre grieved. Lol. Coronation demolition derby right as Tom walks in. Love how Greg is just tall. And Shiv looks away on purpose right as Greg looks in. Glad to see Tom stepping into the finances gang - they don seem to mind his presence. He's not focused on it though till he brings up CEO and Franks method of getting them off to another room is fantastic. I get the sense they're more in charge than the kids are. One hour! Wild Oh, look, shit show reference. Glad they're not fired. Oh man Cousin Greg just. Walks in. Bruh. Dude you're not the family. Bruh. Dude. Bro. Greg. Bro. Get a new mommy love you Roman lol. Bro pick the phone up.

Interim thing. What's his face doesn't seem honest to me tbh. They're trying to take over. Tom: screw ups and dipshits *discussing his wife and in laws* lol. They're not gonna like that choice Charles or whatever your name is. They're have power too. Like Katrina vying for Gerri which Roman could swing for. Oh so CFO and Frank are in cahoots then lol. Poor Tom. I don't think Karl wants to leave by parachute anymore. love how Gerris like you were relevant in the 90s :-). Katarina walks off and Toms like yo. Don't fire me.please. Gerri calls him out loll. Good for him to brush it off. I think eating helps. Toms face shshhshssha.that is strong words Karl.bro. Damn dude could a made yourself useful. Mattson is ignoring him because Roman didn't answer. Shiv openly nervous lolll. Reconfigure in a week bro nah man. No lost of momentum. We're gonna do this rn lol. Why is Mattson pushing? Love her facial expressions lol. This is the annual retreat :-) come to us rn lol :-) *swedish accent*

Greg is tall. Marcia is like who the duck is Greg. Marcia's like look how far you've come :-) and Willas like we're both escorts bitch :-). Their honeymoon is a presidential tour. Coolio. She is so mad. ????????? Why would Marcia sell it. How does she own the penthouse. 60 and 70 million WHATTT the fuckkk WHY DOES SHE OWN THE HOUSE. what the fuck was that. She sold immediately. Idk if he wanted to buy at 63 lol. Role as executer.... What's the paper.... Tell us. Bro. Go away bruh. Get lost. Lol. Karl.Im kidding ;-) lol. In a humorous way. Those little princes.... Lol. Gerri wants you out? We might as well show her lol. It's his will ohhhhh nooo. Okay. He penciled something in last minute. Not Germain as long as as they don't know. Gerri is so funny lolll.

Con you gonna tell em they don't have the house anymore. At least Willa gets back to the city if she even likes it. Love how he's not even full front page. Dad sounds great would have loved to meet him. I think Connor really doesn't have a clue well no he's lying lol. That's mature Ken. The reviews are in, 5 stars. Noon. Hugo doing his own thing bruh y'all are so rich. Hugo asking for help :-( insider trading Hugo bro. Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro. I can't recollect bruh bro. Hugo. Hugo. I don't think Kendall can fix that. A "complicated man." Roman sitting in his old chair. He won't fuck a child because he won't even hug his grandkids aaaaahhahha okay poor Shiv tho lol. Shiv giving Tom the death glare lol. Bruh what water buddy. You can't say the slate is clean that's their job. Girl?? Lol still curious to see what the will says. Here to serve. Good luck. Yep that's that buddy. Nice doors. They're telling them?? Kendall? It's old damn. 4 yrs ago. Shivs head shake is wild. Look dude it does look like either. Interim position so why vye for it bro. Shiv is correct it's not decipherable but Kendall keys her in asap lol. So he did plan his funeral. Shiv dealing with the fact it was never going to be her. Roman's handling this best. That would be the dream financially speaking bruh lol. Oh they called Greg in? Disbursements. Nice. Penciled addendum with a question. Hwhahaahahah what??? Noooo Greg buddy. You have to work. Poor Karl. You don't have a good rapport bud. Poor Gerri is like this literally has no legal meaning please don't do thissss. Kendall. Buddy. Take the money and run. Is it real. There's that again. He *sometimes* wanted it. Karl really has affection for Kendall. He really does think this. Still Buddhist Kendall? Jackass. No Karl's not gonna follow buddy.

Poor Shiv. Shiv wearing a waist cincher while pregnant. Sad. Tom what the fuck does "you'll regret it" even mean you did pick the wrong horse. Asshole. Shiv is not happy. Shiv thinks she killed him? He was old. He misses the idea of him :-(. Tom missed her implication there. This is sweet. He loves her. He really does. She's trying not to cry. Colon has jeans on??. Lol. Dog without it's person. Not wrong. Secret service sweep?? Bro? Who the fuck is Mencken. Spooky embryo is funny. I think I have a counter veto lol my dad just died too. Who the fuck is doing this bruh. Giant of the conservative moment WAIT IPHONE FROM THE CLOGGED TOILET????? TOM???? bruh???? No compression socks for Kerry's sake??? This is evill!! Aaahhhh ahaha. Into the shape of a dick -> come on - bro Tom buddy lol. Paleolibertarian?? Dude. Connor dude. Shelby is here. Wild. He's literally smiling. Greg kissing up to Marcia for literally no reason bruh. She's crying right away. Damn. Fuck me that's a lotta drugs Christ alive. Arrangements for what. Greg shut the fuck up seriously. Oh his name Sandy. We should talk (walks off) lol.

These scenes flow well. That was sneaky Tom. Lip balm Tom Wam. He's smiling bc it still works. Heyyyyy stewey! Bro. Pulmonary embolism. That's a quick one. Stewey is funny. I hope he doesn't ask to push the sale. Stewey is gonna pull for Kendall ehhhh maybe. I don't think he thinks Kendall should do this. Pubes got singed lol. Kendall is trying to say he got blackmailed without saying it. Hey, haunted house reference. Drinking in the dark sounds pretty good. What's in it for me -> my dad is dead so please 🥺:-( . Willa wants it bigger. Everyone else is trying to avoid the meeting lol poor ken. Kendall. Dude. Who gives a shit? Why push Connor out?? Even Roman doesn't want to.

You have an issue with me that's fine (it's not). Shiv wants to grieve. Ger bear. Not Gerri, just not you. They want it together but it can't happen. Kendall is saying no lol. Hes lyinnnnggggg. This is like a pick 2 triangle. The fucking paper dude bro. Kendall went from yes shiv to no shuv as soon as Roman came in bruh. Roman pushes Shiv out. Ouch. It is but it isn't. It's holding but it isn't. I don't think Roman wants to fuck Shiv here vut Kendall might. Boss bitch eyyy. They tried to bluff Roman but Shiv gets that they don't actually understand or know that voicemail, asking if he's a cunt is pretty good for em lol. They're vying for this like it's permanent but it can't be. God you people are all fucking stupid. Ken and Rome. Ken and Rome. Who is shouting long live the king and the other king. Oh they meet on the steps again. Ouch that has GOT to sting ow.

That's a nice desk. Sudoku. Kendall didn't know bro you're such a shit liar. His jackets still there? Wild. Bring shiv in you assholes. Is Roman looking at his Viagra. The markets.... Dum dum dum dum dum.... Drums dadaddadada.... Operation embalm Lenin. Toughest version is correct. The paper is not strong dude. His kids were pulling the strings. I have quesineess (but is silent) they should absolutely shit on dad tho. Kendall buddy I don't think that's an underline. It wouldn't be. They redid the bathroom. I think Shiv knows he's fucked. Dhshhshs Jesus Christ Kendall what the fuck is wrong with you. What does soft no prints mean bro. Kendall pulling Hugo along with that leverage damn. Ouch. What control does he even have here over insider trading? Nice ending song tho.

[surferkie]

Yes! I also liked the complex relationship w/John B-Big John. Although, I'm pretty ok with him dying..It felt like the clear next step in that relationship. But I get what you mean abt it feeling unfinished; right after I finished S3 & wondering abt possible next season storylines, I was a little annoyed abt the possibility of having to see JB grieving his dad now before he really came to terms with the fact that his father sucks or a greater fallout & something really dramatic happened (thought for sure he would have a tougher time not blurting out how Big John murdered those men on the boat). (Don't know if this makes sense).

Also I just don't even pay attention to the realism of how these people survive outrageous injuries and don't survive simple situations anymore lol. But I still love it-like Ward in S2 blowing up the boat was wild!

Him dying was the next step in the relationships lmaooo 😂

And you're right that John B is going to have a hella crazy time (1) processing that his dad is actually dead but (2) processing that he was sometimes a terrible father and also person .. like thats trauma baby!

[apr1c1ty-117]

This is merely something I’ve noticed, but there are startlingly few fics for some of my favorite friendships in the Dr. Stone series? 

Ishigami Senkuu and Dr. Xeno?  Prime rival content. Even found family if you so wish! It’s implied that Senku and Dr. Xeno are the only two that are able to work well in sync with each other, coupled with the fact that Dr. Xeno was Senku’s mentor? It would be very good food to have a fic that addressed the relationship between the two and had Xeno act as a big brother/fun uncle/psuedo father figure for Senku who has not had any time to grieve for his father’s loss. Even those who have very logical thought processes are vulnerable to emotion - arguably even more so as lack of experience with strong emotional responses can throw them into an even more emotionally volatile state.  

(Total non-explicit fics on Ao3: 25)  

Stanley Snyder and Dr. Xeno? Yeah ok these two are deffo gay, but all the fics I’ve seen that are written to the standards I hold (i’m picky, unfortunately) have been something like “porn with plot” or eventual smut and things of that kind. Which, tbh, I have no interest in. I’d love to see how these two work with each other, even if it was tagged as a ship. A brilliant sniper and an elegant (hah) scientist - how delightful! Perhaps an analysis on how Dr. Xeno managed to make that beautiful sniper rifle? That would be delicious food right there.  And even if it wasn’t really a plot-driven fic, I would love to see something that explores how their personalities contrast the other. Stanley would likely be more sleek and sophisticated physically (ex/ character design, the way he talks, aesthetic) while Dr. Xeno would have a more refined thought process from which he derives his elegance? Which isn’t to say that Stanley isn’t brilliant himself. I’ve read a few books written by ex military snipers and have enjoyed learning about the training processes and the pure grit that goes into sniping. You really do need to have a sharp mind to be a sniper, which could be a contributing factor as to why Stanley and Dr. Xeno get along so well. There’s so much potential to explore here, and I’m surprised the fandom hasn’t picked up on this opportunity. (Total non-explicit fics on Ao3: 83) Finally, Ishigami Byakuya and Dr. Xeno? wHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S ONLY TWO WORKS WITH THIS TAG?! bruhhhh Anyways... These two had met in canon anyways, and as I recall Dr. Xeno had remarked on how Byakuya had somehow managed to balance his kindness with his intelligence? (or perhaps I read that in a fic. i’ve consumed so much content...) Either way the dynamics between the two would be fun to observe as Byakuya tends to wear his heart on his sleeve while Dr. Xeno seems to give out the minimum necessary information for human communication. The things that would be great for the dynamic here are their love for science (or rather Byakuya’s passion for space etc) and Senku. I could easily imagine Byakuya heading to the labs during his off times to get a better grasp on the science behind the space mission (and no totally not because he wants to show his son the very covert pictures he took of the rocket noooo - also that’s illegal lol but shhhhh) and listening to Dr. Xeno chat with the other scientists about parabolic calculations for flight considering the changing temperatures etc etc.  Also did you guys know that in scientific facilities what people are starting to do more nowadays (idk if they did so back then tbh but it’s possible) is to add cafeteria spaces that everyone uses to promote the sharing of information between departments? Although Xeno would likely ignore everything for his work I’m sure that Byakuya would enjoy chatting with the scientist (that reminds him of his son no i will not be quiet about this) and hearing about the current theories and projects he’s working on. This friendship could tie into the first option as well (Senku and Dr. Xeno) because these two would def/ bond over the brilliantly wild child that Senku is.  And for the angst potential? The closer these two would be the more Dr. Xeno would be able to encourage Senku after his father’s passing.  “Your dad would be proud of you” would mean a whole lot more coming from Xeno than just Taiju or Yuzuriha.  After all, Xeno worked with Byakuya at least indirectly and knew him from an adult’s perspective. On top of that, because like Senku, Dr. Xeno isn’t prone to giving compliments, it would have extra value. (Total non-explicit fics on Ao3: 2) Just idk man there isn’t very much content for these at all comparatively. I get that some characters get all the hype but I’d love to see more content for these friendships/family dynamics. Ships are cool and all, but tbh I wish there was more found family vibes in the fandom, especially with such dynamic characters and excellent base content. 

[causeicanmakethedevilcry]

snk 139 lol

Last time ever talking about this, because if ya’ll can’t tell, I hated the assassination of Eren’s character and all the plot holes that Isayama I guess purposely left out. He really said let’s end them all, and he meant us the fans.

In truth, to my last post about possible endings, I got one thing right. We been knowing that young Grisha was the one in the last panel holding baby Eren, with the words “You Are Free”. Though if anything, these wasted pages managed to ruin eleven years of astounding storytelling with many contradictions mostly taken and done by Eren’s words and I suppose explanations of his actions the last 20 chapters we have been stupidly reading.

First of all, how he retells Armin about how Ymir wasn’t a slave, and suffered greatly under/serving King Fritz...because she loved him? What? Excuse se mua? Slave child r*ped and killed, but all is fine and dandy because she was the one there? That was when I though “Fuck off Isayama”. Let’s not even begin where the hell she is right now or what she thinks or what will become of her. She’s has been left out, in the trash, in the dust.

Secondly, I still can’t quite process how Eren reacted to Armin about Mikasa in the most creepy of ways of “I can’t see her with another man” (and the fact that it came out of nowhere?) Together with the fact that Eren committed the Rumbling because of her answer back in chapter 123? So...not because of Eldia, and his need to have his people freed? He backtracked eleven years of work and dedication of a character that wanted to change the ways of his people...to a friendzoned little crybaby wannbe Lelouch Zero Arc? Embarassing.

Though we got Eremin peace and almost their love being proven. If honest, I cried and loved their hug and last goodbye. That should’ve been endgame couple. They were the real love story, fuck. They made more sense in my thinking.

Thirdly, I am grieving Mikasa too. We can see her leaving with Eren’s severed head to bury him and spend the rest of her live alone by ‘their’ supposedly tree. Wow. Quite something else, and you bet I was horrified. For Isayama to tie Mikasa’s character entirely to Eren and end her story with such crude awful end. In chapter 138 I believed Mikasa had become a new way of “strong shounen girl” but I see I was wrong. It was about giving in to fanservice, and not make the crowd go wild about their apparently true love. She is the heroine no? To yet again grab a women protagonist and tie her all to the male protagonist, because all her Arc is romance and blah blah. She couldn’t even stay or do anything during the three years after The Uprising Arc? I don’t know, but she deserved way better than become a widow that mourns till death about her sibling-lover.

Isayama really kept his promise when he said he was out to betray his fans.

Lastly, Historia being sidelined...that’s it. Her entire arc was her being pregnant, but given no goddarn reason. She gave birth during the Rumbling, because...because. And only being given two last panels of her, because...because. We never got her side of the story, or how she was involved in the plan of the Rumbling with Floch and Eren, not even her reaction to his death. The girl that saved him. Though, I take it back, I am super glad she is alive and stayed alive and living happily with her daughter and even, with a husband who I assume she loves? Good for her. Unwanted, but needed indeed. 

The only silver lining besides getting to see Aruani ending, and Levi seeing his comrades and Hanji, together with Gabi and Falco. Also seeing Sasha smile, and Jean and Connie living and being them? Thanks for the crumbs Hajime.

Alright yall, signing off this damn fucking fandom. Gonna watch euphoria and cry, to try and forget this entire shitshow. Waiting for Shadow and Bone show to drop, and hopefully receiving more good news later on.

Its’ been a pleasure (not really) but anyone else’ opinions are welcomed. See ya.

PS: Eren...a bird? Lol.

[srslybusiness]

My grandpa passed away early this morning. I've been awake since 2AM and we're still doing preparations right now.

And grieve is.... a funny thing isn't it? It's difficult to say what I feel right now and I keep thinking about this

But the truth is that Leah did not feel mourning, grief, or sadness. She supposed that those feelings would come. She hoped they did, because she didn’t know what it would mean for herself if they did not. However emotions are not domestic creatures that can be summoned with a whistle. They are wild, and they move as they please. So try as she might to access her sadness, Leah couldn’t. What she could find, to her horror and shame, was relief. She felt so relieved. And she felt free. She felt absolutely free and completely relieved and she felt that she must be the worst person in the world for feeling those things. “What is wrong with me?” she said, and nothing that heard her answered except a lone coyote who started and fled to a warm groove in the earth where he felt safe from predators.  There was nothing wrong with Leah. She was free and she felt relieved. Later she would feel sadness, sadness that’s vast shape would hardly be conveyed by such a simple word. But not now. Now, she walked until she couldn’t see her car, until the lights of Night Vale disappeared behind a hill, until it seemed possible that no other person lived on the earth. 

Anyway it's been A Day and well. Idk just don't think too much if it's weird that I rb and post like any other day during the funeral process lol