#the fucking punked us with the (old friend) crap though

[asydicsydney]

I'M THINKING SO HARD RIGHT NOW

The intense music, the mostly guest va'd episode even though they aren't in the description, Dylan Marron, a fucking last name?, a middle name?, marine biology major?, HE'S FROM CALIFORNIA?

For real though, I love this episode. I had no expectations and grand whims and they knocked it out of the fucking park. The build up, explaining everything away, becoming this sterilized, normal, shell of a town. It felt like a real dramatic story podcast. And then she's killed with a falling cow. It's perfect, it's return to form, it's Night Vale.

[tiger-in-the-flightdeck]

D, I and O

D: What was the first thing you ever contributed to a fandom?AhahahHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man, it was this. Something that I'm 100% sure is older than a lot of my followers. I can't even confirm exactly how old it is, because the website that I originally posted it on doesn't exist anymore.

I: Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why? So, once upon a time, in the days of yore, while I was still a total novice at this whole Fandom thing, I picked up a DVD from the library. What's this?? I thought. Someone made a modern version of my favourite literary characters??? Wow, I wonder if anyone else thinks these two guys are in love. I should check online! And in my naivete, I did. And for a while, it was great! Sure, I created my blog in the midst of the 'You shouldn't bite someone's dick without permission' discourse, and sure I was accused of appropriating my own culture because I didn't agree with the sentiment that an AU about the characters as cavemen(I think? Fuck it's been forever) was being maliciously racist, and sure I received dozens of death threats when I cited examples that suggested one of the characters was recovering from an ED, and SURE I eventually stopped writing for years after being repeatedly harassed and misgendered and threatened by readers when I asked them to stop speaking to me offensively. And SU- Sorry. Where was I going with this? Oh right! Eventually, the thing that put me off entirely was when a fandom divide cropped up and they started fighting over whether or not there was a Conspiracy involved with the writers/directors/media/actors/actors' wives/the fucking queen, i don't know. I figured it was just silly fun, and said I didn't buy into said Conspiracy. Hoo, boy. The flood of hate was epic. So when 'that side' started chirping on about how they were so sweet and kind and generous compared to their Enemies, I said 'Uh, and what about this message I got? And this one? And this other? And these thirty more?' which got a response of 'Oh, those are obviously from people on your side sending you those messages pretending to be True Believers, to make us look bad. Or you probably sent them to yourself.' At which point, I blocked about a hundred people, added a crap ton of stuff to my blacklist, disabled anon, and noped the fuck outta there. Kept the beloved friends I made, though!

O: Choose a song at random, what ship does it remind you of? This one reminds me of TimKon. Specifically 100 Failed Cloning Attempts TimKon.

And this one isn't exactly random(and warning for lots of flashing lights), but it gives me of Constantine/First of the Fallen vibes.

Specifically from the First's point of view...

With young, scruffy punk John.

Which I definitely haven't written.... *CoughDevil'sMusicCough*

[siouxiedadegenerate]

Heddo! My name is [REDACTED] but you can call me Siouxie.

Bi AroAce – Single – Mixed – Native American – Agender – MultiFandom – Artist – 3D Modeler

I’m also either watching YouTube (my personal tv channel uWu) or listening to music 24/7.

I’m currently 26 yrs old. My birthday is July 29th.

I tend to spend too much damn time on the internet and my phone.

I enjoy watching YouTube or roleplaying with friends.

I draw and write, even though I’m not good at it . . .

A B O U T M E

Hey! My name is [REDACTED] but you may call me Nyx or Xander.

I’m antisocial, so when it comes to making friends, I’m not that good at . . . But if you want to be friends that would be nice . . . 👉👈

I go by She/They. I’m a Cis Female but questioning. I’m AroAce and Bisexual Questioning. I’M AN ADULT, so what I do is 18+.

I’m also a single pringle but that doesn’t mean I want to be flirted with . . . So please, don’t hit on me unless you are a friend of mine and I KNOW you are joking.

I’m agnostic so please don’t bring your Jesus crap here, I have enough of it in my Real Life =_= . . .

I’m laid back and silently most of the time until I get to know you more and more, then I won’t shut the fuck up. XD You’ll easily get tired of me cause I always desire attention whenever I’m bored. I have undiagnosed ADHD. I’m diagnosed with Manic Bipolar Depression, Manic Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I use Caps to show I’m either excited or yelling about something but I’m mostly not yelling at you.

I draw from time to time but most of the time I just hate my artwork >:| Damn these hands . . . But I also like to write whatever I’m hyper fixated on. *cough* SUPERNATURAL *cough*

F A C T S A B O U T M E

I’m the youngest of my family.

I’m Native American.

I’m Mixed.

I’m learning Japanese.

I’m a huge nerd for internet memes.

I’m from the United States

F A V E S

Fandoms I’m In: Supernatural, Good Omens, Boyfriend to Death, Anime, Hazbin Hotel, Helluva Boss, Steven Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Pizza Tower, Five Nights at Freddy’s

YouTubers: Game Grumps, The Boys, InternetCity

Ships: AziraCrow, Destiel

Music: Falling in Reverse, Set It Off, Ado, Anna Blue, Ice Nine Kills, Fall Out Boy, Vocaloid, J-Pop, Punk Rock, Pop

My Favorite Characters: Sam Winchester (Supernatural), Crowley (Good Omens), Lucifer (Hazbin Hotel), Adam (Hazbin Hotel Again), Rire (Boyfriend to Death)

Others: Chocolate, RolePlaying, Gothic Stuff, Emo Stuff, Edgy Shit, Drawing, Writing Crappy Fanfiction, Scenemo/Scenecore, Burgers, Watching YouTube

My favorite colors are lavender, blood red, and midnight black (yes, I like to describe my colors cause I’m a unique snowflake uWu )

My favorite movies is Coraline. Nothing else. My favorite show is Steven Universe and Hazbin Hotel (despite not having Amazon Prime. I watch clips and songs on YouTube uWu) My favorite song is Sick by The Boys, hands down. My favorite game has to be either Saints Row or Portal 2.

B E L O W T H E C U T (WORK IN PROGRESS)

What I Post

My Fics

Warning

Masterlist

Where You Can Find Me/ Social Medias My Links | Twitter | Instagram | BlueSky | YouTube

W A R N I N G

I post whatever I want including adult content. If you want to see my works, make sure you are prepared.

All my works that are ADULT will only be tagged as ‘Special Art’.

K I N K S

Noncon, Dubcon, Marking, Grinding/Thigh Riding Praise

Enjoy your stay and thank you for reading all the way to the end. You get a piece of chocolate!

M Y T A G S

Reblog – Like It SaysWhat the Shit – Shit Posts Naughty Naughty - Adult Works/Media

Thank you for reading this all until the end. UwUReblogs and Likes are Always Welcomed and Appreciated! Do NOT repost my work anywhere without my permission!

[frosty-oak]

Sevenish English students and fiveish jugs of Pim’s

First act

I was in a Bristol Wetherspoon’s the other night (the one by Will’s if you’re a student), out for a drink to celebrate finishing my first essay. Three of five people had cancelled on me but I was determined to make friends and be sociable. While waiting at the bar I was telling the one person who had arrived that she had a very nice jacket, and the red converses (matching mine) were a nice touch. I worried that it seemed like I was flirting, so I made an offhand, not-very-subtle comment about my girlfriend, mostly because women do love my awkward charm and confused dress sense, but especially because of my strong feminist values (and social anxiety.) Once I finally had my pint of (really very cheap and slightly crap) Thatchers, we managed to find the only other person who had actually shown up; luckily with a host of friends. I awkwardly sat at the edge, introduced myself to five or so people, forgot all of their names and tried not to stare at the huge amount of empty glasses and pitchers on the table.

Main course

I began to stereotype slash categorise everyone at the table, deciding that Mary (not her real name) definitely listened to Lana Del Ray, and Harvey (not a real name either!) was a film buff who stumbled into the interesting side of socially clumsy. He also had a tendency to ask me about a selection of interesting films and books in rapid succession which went a little like this:

“Theo (that one is a real name), have you ever seen The Piano Teacher?”

“No sorry, why is it good?”

“Its alright. Whiplash?”

“Oh yeah that one was really good.”

“Hmm. Okay.”

And then the conversation would move elsewhere, I still haven’t figured out if there was a connection or he was just understanding/categorising me in his own way. Mary was then told off for vaping inside, it turns out that Spoons is surprisingly strict on the rules, as any seventeen year old trying to stay past nine PM will discover.

Chapter three

Things then took an interesting turn somewhere between ordering my second pint and it still not bloody arriving nine minutes later. Timothy (that ones definitely not her name, I’m bad at aliases) was telling us about her ‘type’ for some reason or other, and this was when my long standing theory  that an amazing amount of people have terrible taste in men was proved right. Timothy (I will get a better name eventually) described her type as “tall” going fine so far “brown hair” still fine “and emotionally unavailable” and oh dear we’ve fucked it. Someone else then said that they had a thing for men who were “mostly not into me” which is funny but also just bad, but then I was asked and got lots of brownie points by saying “my girlfriend” and showing a picture of her looking as gorgeous as ever (I normally get her to edit these so hi darling!) Despite what you might guess though, Timothy’s love-life is going absolutely fine! I’m kidding she committed flatcest immediately and then he shagged his ex the same day, and also he’s just a dick in general.

The fourth bit.

It was about when my pint finally did arrive and Mary had been warned for the last time, again, not to vape indoors that two new people arrived who looked a tiny bit like GTA characters. There was a bloke called Jacob or something (that actually might be his name I’m quite bad with names) and he had thick rimmed glasses and was unbelievably Bristol with his third Gallagher brother look and most importantly he started telling me about how he was doing a DJ set at a local club that was only for members. Which actually sounded like a lovely time but also unbelievably Bristol. He arrived with his friend who was the other side of the Bristol coin, with a collection of necklaces and bracelets along with bleached eyebrows. I didn’t actually manage to chat to her much but I did hear the stream of indie-post-pre-punk-queer-grunge-pop-indie bands that were being discussed and sounded quite good.

Around this time someone called smoke break and everyone disappeared and I quickly realised I was being left with a selection of coats and bags as I sat awkwardly (and slightly pissed as I had been to the bar to get a pint repeatedly) and waited for everyone to arrive so I could make my exit. Everyone has had that moment, generally in a bathroom but when you are quite drunk and are suddenly left with your thoughts and time sloooows doooowwwwwnn. Suddenly you are desperately trying to find entertainment in anything nearby, waiting for Instagram to load because somehow this corner of Spoons is a faraday cage. Just after the nearest ice age had came and went Mary reappeared and I made to leave but she convinced me to stay just a little longer until everyone else arrived.

The Final Act

In the final act of the night, we sat and discussed the tense, difficult and upsetting situation with her ex, which despite the many pints between us was actually a very interesting conversation. Unfortunately we were cut short by the bouncer arriving directly as Mary had raised her vape to her lips and he slowly marched over. Fair cop, and he was very lovely about it but we did have to go. I hovered outside and made a bit of chat as people smoked and finally said my goodbyes and headed for home. Uphill of course, its Bristol.

[the-fourth-knower]

Diary of a lost doe, part 1

A short fic where my character Annabelle writes in diaries

Fresh off losing her parents, Annabelle Flaches must contend with trying to fend for herself and her baby sister Angelica. And with Angelica talking to a mysterious green orb when she thinks Annabelle isn’t watching, things are only at the tip of the iceberg.

This is for me and Aquillis’s “half and half” AU, our ‘main’ AU. not to be confused with Aqui’s pack universe which is her underground re-write.

Due to the length I'm splitting this into two parts. This is part 1, part 2 is here!

Diary Enry 1, Day I dunno.

Okay here it is. First diary entry I guess. Gotta keep it brief, writing instruements are hard.

Been a few months since that day. We’re doing fine. Angie started another garden. Moved to a new spot.

Got some new things for the house. Old car door and a tire. Not sure what I’ll do with the tire gonna use the door as part of wall.

Finished roof this morning. Good thing 2, might rain.

Angie still sleps bad if not next to me. Writing while she’s curled up. Wasn’t for scars on ear and having to sleep in same clothes she’d look like we’re still home.

Gotta sleep now.

Diary Entry 2

Maybe got a job. Illegal probs but $ is $

Angelica talked more today. Good sign? Maybe she relapses back into not talking but progress.

I never thought i’d miss her annoying stupid “hey lets go explore a cave and not tell anyone bout what we’ll do” self. Never thought about losing mum and pa ei

Shit crying. Bye.

Diary entry 3

Diary didn’t get too wet yesterday.Don’t think bout mom and pa it ends badly.

I can’t afford to break down even if Angie’s sleeping

If I break down then Angie will get upset

I won’t put her through it

I won’t

…

Diary entry 54

Had to leave town but am 600 $ richer

Angie’s quiet again. But she didn’t complain bout us leavin

gonna go for a city maybe. more risk but more money and places to live.

Jadetown’s the city. Dunno too much bout it but mum liked it.

Should get there in maybe a cuple weeks or so

Angie’s sound asleep. No kicking or anything so that’s good

Hope the city’s okay. Angie hates crowds.

Need somewhere with not a lot of crowds to live at

…

Diary Entry 63

Been a hot second. Settling in Jadetown’s pretty hard.

Find a quiet spot in the slums. Pretty shitty now, but the two of us can make it work

Angie still isn’t talking, but she kept close to me while we made our way through the crowds. She seemed fine as long as she held my hand

Lost her a couple times, but not for long. She seemed upset bout it.

Sorry Angie.

I’ll do better. I promise.

...

Diary Entry 169 (it’s the morning but fuck it)

The nightmare happened again.

Angelica having her ear scared by those monsters. mum and pa being taken away in exchange for us being set loose

Only it loops around and around before it’s just cries and blood and knives and screams and crying and they’re all surrounding me judging me for just failing everyone because you’re a fucking failure

Haven’t had it a while. Don’t upset yourself, Angie needs you.

Diary entry 169? Night

Angelica almost killed some street thugs.

we caught some dumbass looking punks bullying some sort of chao. I think it’s a chao

I ran up to one like an idiot and gout in their face to know what they’re doin, and the things went dark. I got knocked out on my ass, apparenlty the big brute that led them butted me in the head. Asshole didn’t even let me get ready

I came to to Angie trying to shake me awake. When I looked around the punks were gone, there were plant vines all over, and the other kids that had gathered were a mix of crapped their pants and mouths on the floor

I asked angie bout it and she just said she took care of them and that the punks had run off

What the hell did she do? Usually I’m the one saving her? But she was having none of it today.

Oh the chao’s fine, weirdass chao though. Never seen chao that just cause flowers to grow around them or in their footsteps.

Made 30 $

Rib’s hurting and headache, Angie fast asleep. Time for bed.

Diary Entry 170

Chao’s bak.

Visited Angie’s garden for a while watchin me watchin it. It waved and left right around Angie gettin up.

Showed up again when we got back home. Angie hasn’t seen it yet. Good thing, she wanted to bring it with us. We can’t afford three mouths.

I don’t like it. We save its ass and now its stalking us.

Made nothin.

Ribs hurt less. Still a bitch.

Diary entry 171

Angie’s found the “chao”

She talked to it all morning when she thought i was napping. Couldn’t sleep, too afraid of bad dreams.

It doesn’t make chao sounds. Or it does but really weird ones.

Then it turned a green light ball for a bit and back into a chao

Angie liked that.

I don’t trust it. Even less.

Need to watch it.

Angie’s relaxed.

Made 5$.

Diary Entry 172 morn

Nightmare again

Diary Entry 172 night

Angie got excited, claimed that she “found Trevor”

he lived near us back in our old home

Had to tell her no, every red mouse we see is not Trevor.

She says that Trevor and his family were gonna move here, pretty inistent too.

Man she gets caught up on the smallest things

Made 20$

Diary Entry 173

Chao returned while i was working. Left Angie on her own

Shes seemed like she was having a fun time being able to talk with someone

She’s not made friends much. Maybe i’m being too hard on the ‘chao’

Still gotta watch it. It could be manipulating her

Haven’t told her I know bout the chao yet.

Should i?

Not now. Angelica is sleeping.

Made 5$

Diary Entry 174

‘Trevor’ spotting 2. Angie wanted to go bug the person. So we went and sure enough as we got closer Angie changed her mind. It was a rat, not a mouse she said.

How can she tell the difference?

No Angie and chao visit. Unless it was while i slept in. but why would she be secretive bout it?

Saw the punk bitch again today. Looked like he crapped his pants when he saw Angie and she glared at him. That’s my sister.

Made 60$

…

Diary Entry 364

Got a new diary. Last entry for this one. Things going well. Got a good thing going for myself.

Angie found a new plant today, and now she’s got it in her garden.

Loved the look on her face when I got it for her.

Made 50$

Angelica’s chatted with the Chao again. Sort of like, is her guardian I think. Or is that its name

Guess good bye diary 1. Really weird to do but it feels right.

Angie’s sleeping well enough on her own. She mumbles but that seems it.

Do I do a good job keeping her safe

Diary 2 Entry 1

Managed to find a new diary. Keeping the old one just cause, and because I have the storage. For a couple of street bum does, we’ve got a decent enough house going. Been able to put it together from bits and bobs lying around, Angie even threw in her hat and added her own touches.

Looks ugly as hell with the plants holding things together and it’s all a mish mash of junk and crap I found, but it’s our mishmash of junk and crap.

Also saved up enough and am making enough to afford more than one pen and even some pencils. So I can write more often. Just felt like writing

Angie’s started to get more vocal again. I think she’s catching onto the fact the way I’ve been making money is less than honest a lot of the time.

I’m not going to sell myself for it though. I’m not degrading myself with that and nayone who fucking tries is going to a hospital.

And if any of those freaks dare go near Angie there won’t be enough left for a morgue to pick up.

Oh, and the chao’s still around. I can feel it. Angelica loves it, I think. I don’t trust it entirely, yet. But, it hasn't been a danger for the past months. So I think it’s actually a good thing.. Angie calls it Guardian. Maybe it's our own Guardian Angel.

Made 65$ today.

Good journal entry me. You got talkative. Writative? Whatever.

...

Diary 2 Entry 23

Got into a fight today, that was fun. The punks from when I helped save Guardian decided to jump me when Angelica was at the house. Guess they figured they could jump me without little sis to back me up. Too bad for them, when I don’t get suckered I’m damn good at defending myself. Sent them packing. Got a bit bruised. Why is it always the ribs with those guys.

Admittedly. I didn’t have to beat the crap out of them. But talk shit get hit, I say. They shouldn’t have been trash talking me when I was walking by.

-

Angelica was upset when I got back. Should’ve expected that, really. Don’t know why I didn’t think she would notice me being hurt, she’s got a sixth sense for that sort of thing. Always has. Kinda weird.

But, she did try and heal me a bit. Somehow, she’s gotten better at it -Ever since she's met Guardian, she’s gotten more control over that healing ability she has. I just need to make sure she doesn’t overdo herself again.

I don’t know anything much bout healing magic or whatever it is, but I don’t think what Angie has is normal. I think she uses herself for it. Whatever healing she tries to do just eats away at her. And whatever it was was enough to frighten Pa to move us in the first place

-

I think part of me might blame ANgie for it. For getting us out of the safety of where we lived near Agateton and moving.

But if we didn’t move would we really have been safe still. And it wasn’t Angie’s fault she did what she did, it was Pa who pushed for it and Mum who went with it.

So do I blame them? I don’t want to. The monsters that took them and hurt Angie are the ones to blame.

But they wouldn’t have found us if we didn’t move near that forest. But Mum and Pa couldn’t have seen it coming.

Ugh. brain hurts. Fuck this mind screw bullshite

Spent 123.54$ today. Groceries and supplies. Tampons are stupid expensive but I want to have a decent supply for when we need them. Also some food.

Made 13$. Gonna need to work more to recoup.

No idea if Angie talked with Guardian. She still thinks I don’t know anythin bout it.

At least, I think she doesn’t. She gets defensive and acts like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

I wonder why she does that. Wonder if it’s tied with how I react to her saying she’s found Trevor for the umpteenth time.

Maybe I should press her bout it. But I don’t want to get her worked up over nothin.

Okay that’s enough, my mind’s getting wandering now and I stay up if I do that.

...

Diary 2 Entry 54

Someone showed up with a bunch of robots earlier. Cause quite the commotion, sent people running, the usual.

Apparently he set up shop in the rich quarter and is causing all sorts of troubles. People have been coming to and fro a lot the past few days.

Angie got worried over explosions. Had to calm her down, explain that whatever it was probably wasn’t coming here. She asked me bout the people there and if they needed help - told her that someone would take care of the rich fops. That’s what they do after all. Who gives a shit about two practically orphaned kids.

Not sure if she bought it. Gotta keep an eye on her. Might need to pull an all nighter.

And we don’t have any energy drinks or coffee. I could go grab one, no one is gonna give a shit if I do, not in this current environment.

Gotta stop for now. Gotta focus on Angie not some stupid book.

Entry 55

Angie’s missin

[fugitive-96]

The Witching Hour (A TG/TF story)

"Okay we all ready for this?" Trish asked.

"As ready as we'll ever be." Blake replied.

"Ted, start the tape." Trish said.

Ted walked over to the table with the tape recorder and hit record.

"You ready Angela?" Trish said over to Angela who was sitting on the floor in front of a Ouija board opposite Henry.

"The time is 03:00 AM, Halloween night 1989. We are standing in the basement of the long abandoned Hall House where we are about to attempt contact with the astral plane." Trish spoke into her small recorder.

The four friends had long been shunned in school for being interested in the supernatural, more specifically their beliefs in things like psychic powers, various forms of spirits, and other creatures from urban legends.

The group of friends was made up of two boys and two girls. Blake who was currently standing by with a camera was tall with slicked back black hair and a set of thin spectacles and was dressed in a poorly made Frankenstein Monster's costume, albeit he'd removed the makeup. The second boy was Ted who was operating the various equipment such as the speakers and the large tape recorder sitting on the table who was average height with slightly long but messy blonde hair and was dressed in a denim jacket and jeans. Henry who was slightly chubby compared to the other two and was sporting a ginger mullet matching the freckles on his face and was wearing a yellow and green high school football jacket and was operating the Ouija board along with Angela, and whilst he wasn't a member of their group he decided to tag along after Trish and Angela invited him. Angela was the quietest of the group, but was also the one with the most extreme ideas, she was dressed in what she called her usual 'gothic punk' getup with shoulder length black hair, a black tank top and jeans, along with various studded items around her thin arms and a pair of studs on her lips which along with her eyes were done up in black makeup whilst the rest of her face was pale white. Lastly there was Trish who was the 'leader' of the group with big frizzy blonde hair and large glasses, who was sporting a green jacket and baggy clothes more appropriate for the cold weather.

The five of them had decided to spend their Halloween night in Hall House, an abandoned Manor house that had stood in their town for many years as an allegedly haunted location due to its dark history, needless to say this house was the location of murders and seances over the years. Angela was the one who suggested that they conduct their 'experiment' there, as it had been 100 years since the horrific events in the house had taken place.

They had gone down to the lower levels of the house where the events took place, and after setting up their equipment on the table they illuminated the room with only candles and were now about to begin.

"You sure this is a good idea?" Ted asked.

"*sigh* You bring this up now!" Trish replied angrily, stopping her tape recorder.

"It's just we're trespassing! I'm all for discovering what lies beyond and all that, but this doesn't really feel safe, I mean I don't think the spirits here would appreciate Angela breaking the front door of their house."  

"You heard Angela, this could be our one chance to do this!" Trish responded.  

"Could we get on with this already, I'm not sitting on this stone floor all night." Henry complained.  

"Yeah Trish is right, we're here now so lets do this." Blake added.  

"You heard them." Trish said to Ted

"Fine, but I've got a bad feeling abo-"  

"Don't say it Ted, you are not jinxing this!" Trish spat.  

"Anyway, back to it." She said resuming her recording.  

"Okay Angela, go for it."

As Angela was about to begin Blake got his camera ready whilst Ted resumed the large tape recorder on the table which was picking up any background noise whilst a radio next to it was skipping through channels.

"Spirits, can you here us?" Angela said aloud looking up.

The planchet then began moving slowly towards yes.

"Holy crap is it actually working!" Henry blurted out.  

"Shhh! *At 03:04* the planchet answered yes." Trish whispered into her recorder as Blake took a shot.  

"Spirits, can you show yourselves to us?" Angela then asked

"That seems a bit direct." Blake murmured under his breath before Trish shot him a glare.  

After a few seconds the planchet didn't move.

"Spirits, can you still here me?" Angela asked but again nothing happened.

Trish looked over at Ted who was still surfing through radio channels but was receiving nothing. They waited for a few more minutes but again nothing happened.

"This blows! That first bit was totally just Angela moving it by herself" Henry blurted out.

"SHHH! Be quiet Henry!" Trish whispered angrily.

"Or what, nothing's happening! Hey spirits what color's my hair?" He asked before clearly forcing the planchet over the correct letters causing Angela's head to sink in disappointment.  

"*Chuckle* Hey spirits what's my favourite colour?" Blake chimed in as Henry forced the planchet again.  

"It says green."  

"Holy shit it really is a g-g-g-ghost!" Blake replied dramatically.

Trish then aggressively turned off her recorder and slammed it on the table.  

"You're ruining it!" She yelled at Blake and Henry.

"There's nothing to ruin, nothing's happened." Blake replied.

"We were getting something!" Trish yelled back.

"Sure we were, I wouldn't have even shown up to this if it weren't for Angela being hot, and now how's the rest of the football team gonna treat me when they find out that I spent Halloween night with losers in a dusty old basement!" Henry said.

"Technically this is- was a crematorium." Ted replied.

"Hey it's because of you we started late." Blake said to Ted who just shrugged it off and continued using the radio.

"Oh shut up, if you weren't at that stupid party we could've started even earlier!" Trish yelled at Blake.

"Last time I checked the witching hour didn't start at 02:47! How are we even supposed to see anything if the room's only lit by fucking candles!" Blake yelled back.  

"GUYS SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO THIS!" Ted yelled gesturing to the radio.

Blake, Trish and Henry all crowded around as Ted began to oscillate between radio channels which was creating a strange sound.

"Is that... breathing?" Blake asked, triggering Trish to quickly grab her tape recorder.

"Maybe it's just some old fart with a ham radio." Henry said.

"Between channels, is that even a thing?" Ted replied.  

"I thought you were a nerd?" Henry replied.

"Yeah ask me about comic books any day, I don't know how radios work." Ted replied.

As they continued to listen it was clear that they were hearing a voice, albeit it was very raspy and they weren't saying anything, until suddenly...

"GET OUT!" A voice yelled through the radio causing the four of them to jump away from the table, the static now sounding louder than ever.

"What the fuck was that!" Henry yelled, but the others were speechless.

The radio then started skipping sharply through channels, back and forth sounding like a knife tearing through electricity. All of a sudden the tape begin spinning faster and faster before it erupted into sparks along with all the other equipment causing the four of them to duck. As they slowly crept back up they each grabbed one of the many torches that were sitting on the table and after checking that they still worked pointed them towards the burned and blown up remains of the radio, but the sharp sound of it skipping channels was still somehow going, however after a few seconds it abruptly stopped.

The four of them sighed with relief simultaneously before realizing that the sharp sound of the radio going back and forth was now replaced with the sound of wood scraping back and forth.

All four of them slowly turned towards the direction of the sound and were greeted by the sight of Angela, still with her head hung low obscuring her face from view, as she violently scrapped the planchet against the now very worn looking board. She then abruptly stopped and crept forward slightly before looking up at the four of them, the light form their torches revealing her eyes to be nearly completely whited out aside from a tiny black dot of a pupil in each one.

"She's here." Angela said in a now deeper voice with a wicked grin.

"Oh fuck." Blake stammered.  Suddenly the furnaces in the crematorium that hadn't been used in over 100 years ignited with roaring flames behind Angela, as slowly a circular pattern formed in the floor between her and the others, which then began to rot and sink down as what looked like blood began to seep through it until it looked like a small pool of it formed.

The four stood there speechless as slowly a woman rose out of the blood. She had pale skin and white hair, with sharp black eyebrows and what looked like red makeup around her eyes and lips. Her nails were sharp and black with crosses painted on them, in fact she also had small crosses under her eyes and studs in her nose and belly button. She wore some form of  black headdress with various beads and spikes sticking from it along with angels sculpted on it. Her body was only covered by a corset that was laced in the middle showing off some of her stomach and a bra-like chest piece, both of which looked to be made from some thick leather-like material which connected down to straps holding thigh high black heeled boots onto her legs. She rose out of the floor with her eyes closed and her hands on her chest with blood dripping from her mouth down her chest and arms, her expression looking almost as though she was experiencing pleasure as she rose from her bloody gateway.

"Ooh It's good to be back here." She said as she lowered her arms from her chest and stretched her body before opening her eyes and looking at the four people in front of her.

"So, you're the two who mocked my arrival?" She said looking at Blake and Henry.

"W...we didn't mean it.. hones-" Henry began to blurt out but it was too late, the woman had pointed her finger at the two of them and purple electricity began crackling around their bodies. Their clothes were burned away as their bodies levitated as the two of them twitched and squirmed, Blake's glasses falling to the floor.

Trish and Ted backed up in shock at what they were witnessing, still speechless with their jaws hanging open.

Soon Blake and Henry's bodies were completely covered by black clouds which began swirling around them along with the electricity flashing, their screams of pain filling the room. Soon there came the sound of bones cracking and flesh rearranging and tightening as their screams turned more feminine, and during the occasional flash of electricity Trish and Ted could see their silhouettes inside the black clouds twisting and contorting as their figures became thinner and more delicate, along with certain areas becoming a lot more pronounced. During this their screams of pain shifted to moans of pleasure, then to slightly more animalistic sounds. Before long the clouds began to dissipate as their bodies became visible.

Trish and Ted stared in shock at the sight of what was formerly Blake and Henry, now in their place stood two women wrapped in black fur robes that draped down to the floor but left their bodies visible from the chest and shoulder area up. Their skin was now chalk white with pointed eyebrows and long black hair with short fringes. They had eyeliner that went off in streaks to the sides of their faces whilst black liquid dripped from their now whited out eyes. Their lips were also black and their noses were studded; their now pointed ears had circular black earrings and they each had a small necklace with a skull around their necks. They crouched there snarling with vampire-like fangs as their delicate hands with pointed black nails ran across their bodies.

"Come now my pets." The woman said causing the two of them to slink over to her crouching down behind her on each side.

"W.. what did you do to them?!" Ted yelled in a fearful tone.

"Oh them, I made them into my personal demonic hell spawn, they'll be keeping me company from now on, doing my bidding for the rest of their existence." She said as she ran her hands over their heads.

"Oh but don't worry your friends won't complain." She said with a grin.

"Now, I think introductions are in order." She said clapping her hands together.

"I am Kiniva, high ranking Demon Mistress of Hell." She announced with a grin, however noticing the lack of change on Ted and Trish's still shocked expressions her grin turned to a look of disappointment.

"Is that really how you respond to my presence!" She said angrily, before then calming down and looking intently around the room.

"Now, I believe I have business to attend to here." She continued as she very slowly began walking towards Ted and Trish, her hips swaying gracefully as she put one foot in front of the other, clearly knowing how to carry herself in the sexiest way possible with her figure silhouetted against the roaring flames behind her.

"W.. what do you want?" Trish asked nervously as she and Ted held each other fearfully as they backed up further into the corner of the room.

"Well, my loyal follower has spent many years waiting for this day." She said turning her head gesturing towards Angela.

"Wait.. what?!"

"Oh yes Ted, Angela here is the latest in a long line of followers going back over 100 years, dedicated out of shier multi-generational loyalty." She said turning around giving Angela a smile.

"Oh yeah well taste this!" Trish yelled pulling out a large crucifix and pointing it at Kiniva.

"What do you think I am, a Vampire?!" Kiniva replied angrily raising a hand to her face as she snapped her fingers causing the crucifix to erupt into flames in Trish's hand.

"Guess you didn't notice the crosses on my face." She said pointing to her face.

"But that's a holy item, it should repel you!" "Well you see Trish when you're as powerful as I am there isn't really much that can stop you, displaying that on my body wasn't enough to tell you that." She replied holding up her cross patterned nails. "Anyway enough of the small talk, I have things to do here." "What things?" Ted asked. "Well firstly I awarded my loyal follower who will now willingly accompany me back to hell as my apprentice, and those two boys were just a warmup, it's about time I had some real fun, starting with you Trish." "What are you talking about, why me!? Wasn't Blake and Henry enough?" "Oh no they were being punished for being impolite to a Demon, but you have much deeper sins." Kiniva replied with a chuckle. "What do you mean?" "You know what I mean, my follower latched on to your group due to your interests in my realm, but you didn't want to summon me to discover new worlds, new experiences, you just wanted to boost your ego."

Trish looked speechless. "It's no secret, you wanted to conduct this ritual just to prove you were right over all those other people, just knowing that I existed was enough, but you knew the danger I posed to the world and yet you went ahead without a care in the world. You didn't even show concern over your two companions over there being made into unholy creatures of hell, and that's not even the worst of it."

Trish was beginning to turn red as Ted looked at her confused.

"What's she talking about?" "Oh Ted didn't you know, she only let Henry tag along because she and Angela knew that in all of the previous rituals they had a sacrifice for me." Kiniva replied. "Is that true?" Ted asked Trish. "I...It didn't matter, he was a bully to me for two years straight back in middle school, he had it coming!" Trish blurted out through tears as she let go of Ted.

Ted stood there even more horrified and confused. "Oh Trish, it's alright. Doing something that horrible is considered admirable where I'm from." Kiniva replied as she stepped close to her.

As Trish stood there a sniveling mess Kiniva took her in her arms and held her close, running a hand over her hair.

"I'm proud of what you've done, you're officially a corrupted soul." Kiniva replied before lifting Trish's head up so they were face to face. "And you know what happens to corrupted souls." She said as her voice became much deeper before her eyes began to glow red as she held Trish in place who was screaming desperately as she tried to escape.

Trish let out a loud gasp as her waist was crushed inwards by a corset that had materialized over her torso, the binds creaking and tightening. A long black dress billowed out from the bottom of the corset covering her legs as it puffed out, and whilst it wasn't visible she could feel her feet raise as her trainers morphed into heels whilst her clothes under the dress vanished and were replaced with more appropriate undergarments. Her clothes on her upper body began to change also, with the neckline of her shirt widening and lowering down exposing an ample amount of cleavage that was being raised up by the corset, whilst her outer jacket darkened as it morphed into the upper section of the dress, with puffy shoulders, long black sleeves and dotted gloves that left her hands visible through them. An  elaborate necklace formed around her neck along with earrings whilst makeup materialized onto her lips, giving them a dark gold coat whilst  her eyebrows and eyes also became adorned with makeup. With the way she looked now she looked as though she belonged to a different time period.

Trish could barely express her shock at what she was experiencing as Kiniva held her in place by the head, forcing her to stare at her glowing red eyes as Trish could only imagine what was happening to her body. As Kiniva loosened her grip on Trish's head Trish's blonde hair began turning a dark brown as it lost it's frizzy look as it began to elegantly drape down her shoulders in a slightly curled appearance, before it suddenly began whipping around as it reformed on top of her head into an extravagant yet still elegantly styled bun.

Trish was speechless as she took in her new appearance, but soon noticed her whole body beginning to fade in colour; her clothes and skin were draining into a more washed out colour, but more disturbing was how her entire form was beginning to look old and flakey, not like an older person but rather like her skin and clothes were now made of a weathered material.

"Ted... help me.. please.." She begged but her voice was fading too, becoming quieter until no sound came from her lips, even her movements were becoming much slower and weaker, almost as though she'd fall apart if she wasn't careful. The sounds of her body stiffening and hollowing out continued as she froze in place with a vacant expression and her arms reaching up to her hair. Whilst she still maintained her shape she didn't look like an actual human anymore, instead she looked more like a paper model of herself.

Kiniva grinned as she drew a rectangle in the air with her finger, which morphed into a large old fashioned picture frame that floated behind Trish and lay on the floor. She then blew Trish a kiss that caused her hollowed out form to fall backwards. Ted tried desperately to catch her before she hit the frame but didn't make it in time, however instead of just hitting the frame she was absorbed into it, melting through until she was but a two-dimensional image, with the canvas  taking in the weathered appearance that her skin had. Ted backed up in horror at what he'd just witnessed.

Kiniva lifted the frame from the floor as she inspected it with a grin.

"Well Trish you did like to use people like they were objects, now let's see how you like it being one." She said before propping the frame up against the wall.

"Oh God." Ted said shuddering in shock after what he'd just witnessed. "Sorry God's not here right now, you're stuck with me." Kiniva responded turning her attention towards him. "Oh don't worry about her, she's in a dimension where well... let's just say she's not going to want to leave anytime soon." "So are you gonna kill me now?" Ted asked nervously. "Well I would, or I'd turn you into another hell spawn, but unfortunately you've got something that's too valuable to waste." "What?" Ted asked fearfully. "An uncorrupted soul and genuine curiosity in what lies beyond, unlike that other mortal I just dealt with." She Replied. "Her name was Trish." Ted said with a hint of anger. "See, there it is! Even after knowing that she was willing to sacrifice another human life you still feel pity for her after what I did to her, plus you showed compassion for your other friends that I dealt with, that's the sign of an uncorrupted soul." Kiniva replied sounding impressed.

"But I can see you, what you want to know. You want to know what it's like where I'm from, and not to boost your ego or to get some rush out of it, you're just genuinely curious aren't you? You're not even really afraid of it, you tell yourself you are but you know you're not." Kiniva continued as she got closer to him. "I can show you. You can experience what it is like to be a being not of this realm, to be like.. me." She said now being right in front of Ted. "What do you say?" "I.. what will I be?" Ted asked. "Something very familiar." She replied before wrapping her arm around his head and pulling him in for a kiss.

Initially Ted was taken aback, but something was beginning to happen to him, and whatever it was felt really.. really good. The two of them began to become more passionate as they kissed each other, but as they kept going Ted's hair began to turn white as it slowly stretched down his head until it was identical in colour and style to Kiniva's.

His whole body started changing with his torso, arms and legs thinning out as his skin turned very pale and less blemished than before, in fact his skin was now incredibly smooth. As he reached up an arm to Kiniva's head his hands became more delicate and petite whilst his nails turned darker and sharper.

As they continued making out Kiniva began to slip Ted's clothes off his body revealing it to now be completely pale and rather delicate looking, but as she held him close she ran her hands up his legs to his waist, causing his thighs to bulge out along with his hips whilst his waist pulled in and his stomach flattened. His feet also looked much more feminine. She ran a finger along his spine which was followed by slight popping noises as his spine repositioned itself as his height shrank, causing his thickening thighs to jiggle.

Kiniva then started to kiss Ted more passionately, but as she stuck her tongue down his throat it travelled down even further into his body as it began reworking his insides, pushing and squishing them into new forms, with Ted seemingly being completely oblivious to what was happening to him.

"This is the best part." She whispered as she ran one hand over Ted's chest and another over his crotch, before she began running her hand up and down his shaft.

Ted moaned as he felt ripples of pleasure all throughout his body. "That's it, let it out." Kiniva said as she continued running her hand up and down, Ted completely oblivious to the shrinking of mass in his crotch.

As Ted stood there with his head back in complete bliss Kiniva's other hand began squeezing his chest, causing slight lumps to plump out.

By now Ted's penis was nearly completely gone, but as the pulses of pleasure ran through his body each pulse caused his penis to shrink whilst the mass on his chest built. "Oh yes, YES! DON'T STOP!" Ted yelled passionately, his voice raising slightly.

Kiniva grinned as she watched as the last traces of Ted's manhood fade, and began rubbing his flat crotch as a slit formed.

"OH... OOH!" Ted's moans were now completely feminine as he placed his hands over his chest as he welcomed the way they began to be filled with his rapidly expanding breasts, which continued to expand with each pulse of pleasure that ran through his body. Kiniva once again pulled him in closer causing Ted's forming breasts to squish up against hers.

As this was occurring the pulses of energy had reached his face, with it audibly cracking and stretching as it became slimmer and softer with each pulse whilst his breasts continued expanding. Whilst most of his facial features were thinning out like his nose and head shape in general, his lips plumped as his eyes grew larger along with his eyebrows becoming sharper and more defined. His eyebrows and eyelids darkened as though they were coated in makeup, whilst his sharpening cheekbones began to glisten slightly along with his lips becoming coated in black. Small cuts in the shape of crosses formed under his eyes as a pair of crosses morphed onto his face, along with a stud on the rim of his nose and on his tongue.

By now he had a pronounced set of breasts on his chest as his facial changes finalized, leaving him looking almost completely identical to Kiniva.

"One last touch." She whispered into Ted's ear who sounded as though he was about to reach climax, before she then pushed her hand into his chest, fazing through his skin which glowed orange as she grabbed his heart and turned it cold.

Ted moaned loudly in release, marking the end of his changes as Kiniva removed her hand from his chest, which was now adorned with what looked like a tattoo of a heart.

"There, now you have the identifying symbol of our type of Demon." Kiniva said to the slightly dazed Ted.

"How's it feel?" Kiniva asked her now doppelganger.  

"This is, oh wow!" Ted replied looking down at his new form, still in shock at what he just went through but he strangely felt very accepting of his new situation. "I knew you'd like it."

"But I still don't understnad, why give me this but not Angela?" "Well Angela is a corrupted soul, so she will one day join our ranks, but she has to take the long way round in hell, but as my loyal follower she'll welcome it." "So, what am I going to do now?" Ted asked, a hint of excitement in his feminine voice. "Oh, I've got some ideas." Kiniva replied before her eyes glowed red as red beams shot from her eyes into Ted's.

She then began flooding Ted's mind with new knowledge, the inner workings of hell, the new powers this form allowed him to have as well as a Demon's lust for souls, as well as adjusting his mindset slightly to accommodate the intensity of this new knowledge that he'd, or more accurately she'd be needing, for now she was one with Kiniva. Once the beam had stopped her eyes turned black as a pair of red pupils flashed before returning to normal, signaling the completion of the process.

"Oh, now that feels so much better!" She said grinning with devilish energy as she lay her head back running her hands through her hair. "Thought you'd feel that way." Kiniva replied heading back over to Angela and her pets. "I must be off now, more souls to claim, more carnage to cause."

"Have fun Kiniva." "You too, Kiniva." The original Kiniva replied with a grin as a large black cloud swirled around her, consuming her, Angela and her two pets. It had nearly filled the whole room before it vanished, the fire in the furnaces having died, the hole in the floor that Kiniva rose from having repaired itself and the original Kiniva, along with Angela and her pets had vanished, leaving the room looking exactly as it did when Trish's group first entered it.

The new Kiniva stood there naked now completely silent and alone, before noticing the picture frame propped up against the wall which she picked up and inspected.

"Oh Trish, and to think I used to have a crush on you. Hope you like the view in there, don't worry I'll find a good place to display you." She grinned as she made her way out of the crematorium.

"Ooh, this place looks homely." Kiniva said as she headed off into the darkness of the house.

A few decades later..

"You sure this is a good idea?" David asked. "C'mon David, this house has stood here completely abandoned for years, people are too afraid to go near it because apparently some people went missing here back in the 80's." Brad replied. "So remind me why we're going in again?" "Because there's all the rumors about 'something' still occupying the house, so this is our chance to prove it, plus even if there's nothing this place was abandoned, so there's probably stuff in there worth millions, and seeing as it's 3:00 AM no one's gonna see us take anything." "Fine okay okay I'll go in with you." David replied reluctantly. As the two friends began making their way along the path towards the front door of the house, they were taken aback when the front door creaked open revealing the decrepit inside of the house along with the sight of a beautiful tall pale faced woman in a black dress with white hair.

"Hello boys, why don't you come inside, it's been years since anyone's visited."

The end?

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

stephanie perkins: ‘anna and the french kiss’

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Then again, if you’ve read any YA book, ever, it’s fairly obvious what’s going to happen.

I was going to go easy on this book; I really was. It’s really unfair how media aimed at a female demographic is seen as frivolous and vapid, and more often than not bashed and bullied when it comes to reviews. “People actually enjoy this crap?” ask the powers that be. “It’s worthless! Pulp! Dreamy-eyed nonsense only complete nimrods could ever like!”

And I take offense to that. There’s nothing wrong with liking romance or happy endings or stories about cute European boys. I was ecstatic when I stumbled across Anna and the French Kiss upon a chance trip to the bookstore. The cover was… meh (Century Gothic? Really? There were no other fonts?). But I’d heard nothing but praise about the book, and I was prepared to stay up all night and into the wee hours of the morning to finish it.

Admittedly, I was far from impressed upon the first reading. The characters were unlikable, the plot would’ve worked better for less shitty characters, honestly fuck these characters am I supposed to like them, fuck Anna, fuck Étienne, fuck Bridgette, fuck Toph, fuck Dave and Meredith and Amanda and Seany and every other stupid character in this stupid book.

The second time around, I expected to not hate it as much as I did when I first read it. It’s happened- I hated Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda when I first read it, and when I read it again, all that red-hot anger simmered down into an overall dislike. I thought To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before was trash at first, and then I read it again, and it got promoted to recyclable waste matter.

I found Anna and the French Kiss horrendous the first time I read it, and then I read it again, and… yeah, it’s still pretty awful.

Le Sommaire:

Anna Oliphant is a seventeen-year-old wannabe film critic who is #NotLikeOtherGirls – so she’s exactly like every other female YA lead. To her credit, she never explicitly says she’s special… everyone around her does.

She has a pretty meh life in Atlanta, Georgia with her mum and little bruv Sean- and then her dad decides to ship her off to France for her final year of high school. I’m not judging Anna for bawling her eyes out on her first day; I’m a huge mummy’s girl myself and I’d probably (definitely) do the same.

Meredith is Anna’s next-door neighbor, who does that thing which only happens in YA where she’s like “Oh, newbie? Let’s be friends!” (Or maybe it does happen irl and I tend to make a bad first impression which is why no one has ever approached me.)

Meredith’s friends are: Rashmi and Josh (who are a couple), and Étienne St. Clair. Guess which one is the love interest.

Étienne is cultured in that white person way where he’s half American, one quarter French and one quarter British. A true international.

But- *gasp*- American-British-French boy has a girlfriend, Ellie.

Anna has an absolutely gorgeous punk rocker (yum) boy with sideburns (yikes) back home named Christopher. Also, Christopher’s nickname is ‘Toph’ instead of ‘Chris’ because he too is #NotLikeOtherGirls. Anna tells us that nothing will happen between her and Étienne.

Anna is wrong.

Meredith has a crush on Étienne. So does the Regina George of the school, Amanda.

Étienne and Anna have some moments ™.

♫ Everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but Anna ♫

I tear my hair out in frustration.

Several other white boys vie for Anna’s heart. Anna remains blissfully unaware (♫ that’s what makes you beautiful ♫). Étienne (who is still dating Ellie, mind you) is unreasonably agitated by this.

Étienne’s mum has cancer btw, which excuses all the shitty things he does, because he’s just a poor, misunderstood boy.

Ellie dresses up as a, quote unquote, ‘slutty nurse’ for Hallowe’en, though- so it’s perfectly okay to dislike her (even though, in the first interaction she had with Anna, where Ellie meets Anna and Étienne, after Étienne takes Anna to the movies, Ellie is perfectly sweet).

Anna, however, is NOT a slut. Amanda is, though. And Rashmi’s cold. And Meredith’s desperate. And Emily’s a slut, too. And her friend Bridgette from Atlanta is a traitor. Anna has an intense case of internalized misogyny.

Anna’s friend Bridgette from Atlanta is screwing Toph, and Anna throws a fit.

Étienne and Anna have some more moments ™.

A truly chaotic series of events befall Anna. She somehow winds up dating Dave (one from the harem of white boys who likes her) to spite Étienne, she gets into a fight with Amanda, more drama ensues, there’s a hint for a spinoff, Étienne and her kiss, Meredith sees and feels betrayed… several misunderstandings and more bullshit later, Étienne and Anna wind up together, because true love conquers all.

Mes Réflexions:

(If the French is off, blame Google Translate.)

Usually, it takes me half a page of my notebook to scribble down my thoughts about the book I’m reading. This motherfucker took me almost an entire page.

Granted, a solid 30% of those notes are me throwing insults at Étienne, but still. ‘STOP STOP STOP YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU DICK’ counts, right?

(That was #17 in my notes, by the way.)

For the record, I like Stephanie Perkins’s writing. It’s not as over-the-top and unnecessarily introspective as Jenny Han’s in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, and the interactions between Anna and her classmates were natural and not the “How do you do, fellow kids?” style of Becky Albertalli’s Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda. The pacing is decent- I didn’t feel like it was too rushed; not the insta-love trope most YA romances unfortunately fall prey to.

And yet. AND YET.

Anna: “What’s your problem?” Amanda: “You.”

Same, Amanda, same.

Anna Oliphant is one of my least favorite leads in a book, ever. Étienne’s even shittier. And it’s not like Nick or Amy Dunne from Gone Girl, or any of the main characters from The Secret History, where readers pretty much unanimously hate them. You’re meant to relate to Anna, you’re meant to find Étienne charming and dreamy. I literally had to put the book away and calm myself down several times- especially in the last quarter of the book.

One of my main gripes with Anna is how… dumb she is. I guess Anna’s “Oopsies, silly me, I don’t know French!” is meant to be relatable to the readers. And some parts (like her not knowing how to order food because she can’t speak French) are plausible, but- sis, you didn’t know how to spell oui? And my idea of a cinematic masterpiece is Kung-Fu Panda, but even a dumbass like me knows that France is the film appreciation capital of the world. And yet Anna, a self-professed film freak, doesn’t?

Of course, Anna’s gorgeous, but she has no clue, because of course she doesn’t- even though she has multiple guys falling head over heels for her.

I’m in a short skirt. It’s the first time I’ve worn one here, but my birthday seems like the appropriate occasion. “Woo, Anna!” Rashmi fake-adjusts her glasses. “Why do you hide those things?”

Étienne is staring at my legs. The scales covering them throb under his intense gaze, and the pincers sticking out of my thighs start clicking rapidly in arousal. My hooves shiver in ecstasy.

… sorry, that’s not funny.

Her friends think Anna’s weird for wanting to write film reviews (which is the most contrived thing I’ve ever heard) instead of being the next Margot Robbie or whatever, but of course Étienne doesn’t and he thinks it’s not weird and cool and that Anna is such a special snowflake.

(Man, I sound like Amanda.)

And then we have this spiel by Anna about how she got into film critiquing (?), because we the readers need to know how special and #NotLikeOtherGirls Anna is.

To this, I say, “Piss off, you pretentious fuck.”

Of course, Anna’s a virgin and she’s never gotten drunk before or worn short skirts- she’s not a slut, she shaves below the knees only.

And would YA really be YA without several hearty helpings of internalized misogyny?

First up, we have the bimbo; the Barbie doll archetype whose only goal in life is acquiring the main guy (who is quite obviously uninterested in her), and making life hell for our protagonist. Amanda Whatsername (is she ever given a surname?) has this coveted role in Anna and the French Kiss. She’s blond (because of course she is); the first time we meet her, she’s in a, quote unquote, ‘teeny tank top’, and she also ‘positions herself for maximum cleavage exposure’. She’s always flipping her hair, getting her grubby paws on Étienne, giving Anna the stink-eye, being homophobic and a grade-A bitch.

Meredith goes batshit when Anna and Étienne kiss, and is very pouty and unhappy during prior Anna x Shittiene moments. Honey… he’s just not that into you. Rashmi’s the Ice Queen reincarnate and halfway to bitchdom. Anna doesn’t go as hard on them as she does on literally every other female her age in the book, though.

Rashmi looks at me for the first time, calculating whether or not I might fall in love with her own boyfriend.

Anna, hate to break it to you, but not everyone’s a possessive fucking weirdo.

About Cherrie, her ex-boyfriend Matt’s new girlfriend:

And maybe Cherrie isn’t as bad as I remember. Except she is. She totally is. After only five minutes in her company, I cannot fathom how Bridge stands sitting with her at lunch every day.

Her lifeless laugh is one of her lesser attributes. What does Matt see in her?

Even Bridgette, Anna’s best friend from Atlanta, isn’t immune to Anna’s anti-female propaganda. She’s screwing the guy Anna used to like, and Anna, the hypocrite, throws a huge fit.

For context: Bridgette and Toph are in a band called the Penny Dreadfuls (why is it with YA books and horrible band names? ‘Emoji’ from Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda was bad enough), and Anna + Matt + Cherrie go to a bowling alley to see them perform. After the performance, Toph announces that he’s sleeping with Bridge, and Anna confronts Bridge… onstage.

“… You’re welcome to move in when I leave again, because that’s what you want, right? My life?”

She shakes with fury. “Go to hell.”

“Take my life. You can have it. Just watch out for the part where my BEST FRIEND SCREWS ME OVER!” I knock over a cymbal stand, and the brass hits the stage with an earsplitting crash that reverberates through the bowling alley. Matt calls my name. Has he been calling it this entire time? He grabs my arm and leads me around the electrical cords and plugs and onto the floor and away, away, away.

Everyone in the bowling alley is staring at me.

I duck my head so my hair covers my face. I’m crying. This would have never happened if I hadn’t given Toph her number. All of those late-night practices and… he said they’ve had sex! What if they’ve had it at my house? Does he come over when she’s watching Seany? Do they go in the bedroom?

I’m going to be sick.

Give me a goddamn break.

Anna, about Ellie:

To my amazement, Ellie breaks into an ear-to-ear smile. Oddly enough, it’s this moment I realize that despite her husky voice and Parisian attire, she’s sort of… plain. But friendly-looking.

That still doesn’t mean I like her.

“Anna! From Atlanta, right? Where’d you guys go?”

She knows who I am? St. Clair describes our evening while I contemplate this strange development. Did he tell her about me? Or was it Meredith? I hope it was him, but even if it was, it’s not like he said anything she found threatening. She doesn’t seem alarmed that I’ve spent the last three hours in the company of her very attractive boyfriend. Alone.

[about Ellie’s Hallowe’en costume] Slutty nurse. I don’t believe it. Tiny white button-up dress, red crosses across the nipples. Cleavage city.

If I didn’t like Ellie before, it’s nothing compared to how I feel now. It doesn’t matter that I can count how many times we’ve met on one hand.

I fantasize about their break-up. How he could hurt her, and she could hurt him, and all of the ways I could hurt her back. I want to grab her Parisian-styled hair and yank it so hard it rips from her skull. I want to sink my claws into her eyeballs and scrape.

It turns out I am not a nice person.

YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.

Emily Middlestone bends over to pick up a dropped eraser, and Mike Reynard leers at her breasts. Gross. Too bad for him she’s interested in his best friend, Dave. The eraser drop was deliberate, but Dave is oblivious.

One of the juniors, a girl with dark hair and tight jeans, stretches in a move designed to show off her belly button ring to Paul/Pete. Oh, please.

And I’m meant to like this character? I’m supposed to root for her?

I’m not saying every girl in the book should be perfectly sweet and friendly- that’s just not realistic. But when Anna has something judgmental to say about every other young female character… maybe she’s the problem.

In fact, the only girl I recall getting a pass is Isla Whatsername. And why do you think?

Brilliant.

And now we have the amalgamation of almost every fanfic boyfriend trope from 2014, Étienne St. Clair. Brown-eyed Harry Styles. I can’t fucking wait.

Étienne could’ve discovered the cure for cancer, or abolished poverty, or volunteered at animal shelters in his spare time. He could’ve been the most virtuous guy around (fret not; he decidedly isn’t). And I still wouldn’t’ve thought of him as the man of my dreams because HE HAS A BLOODY GIRLFRIEND.

I mean, which girl doesn’t want her boyfriend to say:

“I cheated on her every day. In my mind, I thought of you in ways I shouldn’t have, again and again.”

Fuckin’ smooth, bro.

“No matter what a terrible boyfriend I was, I wouldn’t actually cheat on her. But I thought you’d know.”

Such a gentleman!

“So you can keep dating Ellie, but I can’t even talk to Dave?”

Étienne looks shamed. He stares at his boots. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t even know what to do with his apology.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. And this time, he’s looking at me. Begging me. “And I know it’s not fair to ask you, but I need more time. To sort things out.”

And this gem:

“If you liked me so much, why didn’t you break up with her?”

“I’ve been confused. I’ve been so stupid.”

*me, banging pots and pans together* F U C K Y O U

“Ellie’s not like you, Anna; she’s a slut and a whore even though I’m the one who’s been thinking about another girl inappropriately and I’m the one who gets my knickers in a twist when another man glances in your direction because my masculinity is extremely fragile and I’m a total hypocrite and a dickhead.”

I mean, he didn’t actually say that, but that’s the gist.

WHILE DATING ELLIE: he gets Anna a book of sexual love poems, he calls her attractive (“Any bloke with a working prick would be insane not to like you.”) multiple times, he gets jealous whenever another guy so much as breathes in Anna’s direction and constantly interrupts such interactions, he’s been ditching his friends for his girlfriend but suddenly decides he prefers a new girl over said girlfriend, he thinks bread pudding tastes good- in conclusion, he is a Massive Fucking Prick. Though in hindsight, him and Anna deserve each other. They’re awful.

I had loads more notes taken down (Anna using Dave; “The important thing is this: Dave is available. St. Clair is not.”); the implication that cheating is okay because Ellie is bad or whatever, even though the sudden change in her character seems contrived because she was perfectly okay with Étienne and Anna hanging out before; how my blood boils whenever I read an American book and American girls are like “oOoOh AcCenT!!!1!!1!!”; me reading “DAVE SAYS YER A SLUTBAG” in Hagrid’s voice; the sheer atrocity of the name ‘Étienne St. Clair’ (sounds like a caricature of a French person)… but this ‘review’ is already pushing 3k and I can’t be fucked to expand on any of those points.

Verdict (which is apparently the same in French):

Who needs Christopher when Étienne St. Clair is in the world?

Speak for yourself.

[frustrated-writer-skyeknight]

S.q.u.a.d. reacts to the Lion King

Based on this article: I watched The Lion King as a grown-ass man.

"Man, Disney should just stop with the remakes already." Jamie sighed as he took some textbooks from his locker, "I mean, I think the Lion King one was just a CGI version of the original."

Jack frowned, scratching the back of his neck. "There was an original version?"

"What? Dude, of course there is. It's a classic. Everyone's seen it." Jamie snorted, turning towards the approaching brunette trio. "Hey guys, you know about the old Lion King movie, right?"

Dimitri shrugged, "I know there's a new lion movie out." He said. "Looks more like a documentary thing, if you go by the trailer."

"Didn't have cable growing up," Jim replied, "still don't. Plus, Disney is overrated anyway."

Hiccup hummed thoughtfully, "What's lion king?"

Jamie stared at his friends dumbfounded. "Okay, we are so having a movie night now." He said.

Later that Friday evening, Jamie and his friends find themselves in the den of his home, parents out with the younger sister, and three bowls of popcorn with different flavors; cheese, butter, and barbeque. Plus, two boxes of pizza.

"Wow, Jay," Astrid whistled as she settled on a spot next to him, "you sure went all out for this."

Jamie shrugged, "Disney is my childhood." he said.

"I still say they're a gold digging empire," Jim deadpanned, but took a handful of popcorn. "But I never say no to free food."

Dimitri took a slice of pizza as Jack had too, and they 'toasted' to it, "Preach."

"Okay guys," Jamie rolled his eyes as he set Netflix on the television, "at least wait for the movie to start. Since I brought it up earlier, let's start with 'The Lion King.' I've got tissues ready in case you need it."

Jim snorted, rolling his eyes. "It's an Animated kids movie." He said. "Nobody cries over those.

───────────────

🎶On the day we arrive on the planet~🎶

"Well, opening song sounds good." Jack hummed, "wouldn't mind getting it stuck in my head. Unlike that overrated Queen Ella single one."

Dimitri groaned, "Ohmygod, yes." he groused, "People will not shut up about it!"

"Okay boys." Astrid rolled her eyes, "focus."

They did so, but it didn't take long for someone else to speak up. "Whoa, now hold up. So, that monkey dude..." Jim frowned, and Jamie felt the need to pause the movie. "I mean, come on, this monkey chief dude comes hobbling around on a walking stick earlier, and you expect that he can hold a damn newborn over a cliff? That's shady, man."

"Just watch." Jamie rolled his eyes, smirking at his friend's offended expression. "Also, I'm gonna have to preemptively warn you to suspend your disbelief for a lot of these movies." He hits play once more.

And they watched.

"He's as mad as a hippo with a hernia."

"That's some mad alliteration skills," Jack mused, "ugh, alliteration. Still confuse that with assonance."

Hiccup stared at his boyfriend, "The fact that you even bring that up casually..."

"Okay, feeling that Scar's the bad dude here." Astrid interrupted, "but I'm liking the accent."

Rafiki is painting Simba on his tree...

"There's that shady baboon butt again, doing grafitti without his goddamn walking stick." Jim snorted, "I don't trust that punk."

Dimitri chuckled, giving his boyfriend a one-arm hug. "Pup, you have trust issues. It's your thing." He cooed, "it's a cartoon monkey, he can't hurt you."

"But he can hurt his fellow cartoon animal peeps." Jim countered. "Shady bastard."

Dimitri rolled his eyes, "and they say you're a cold, insensitive prick." He snorted.

"Wait, a Lion in a Pride mates with all the lioness..." Hiccup frowned, his eyebrows knitting together. "He's literally sleeping with his wife and the rest of his, uh, concubines in a single..."

Jamie groaned, "You're ruining my childhood here."

"So, this is that famous overmemed scene." Jack snorted, "pretty grand, I'll give it that. Tempted to google what the shadowy place is, though."

Jamie shook his head, taking Jack's phone. "No spoilers." He said. "It's coming up soon anyway."

"Forgive me for not leaping in joy. Bad back, you know."

Hiccup nodded faux sagely, "Scar is me at every social gathering." He said.

"No, no! Don't, you gullible lion cub!" Jim shouted at the TV, much to everyone's amusement. "THAT DARK PLACE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT AN ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD, SIMBA. DON'T DO DUMB SHIT. LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS. GO TO LION CUB SCHOOL!"

Dimitri snickered, gesturing to his soulmark. "He's talking in capslock again." He said.

🎶"I just can't wait to be king~!"🎶

"Okay, I'm so finding a playlist in Spotify now." Jack mused, scrolling at his phone that Jamie returned earlier. "These tunes are gonna be my jam."

Hiccup shrugged, "I still find it funny that the animals are so okay with their predators being their king. No revolution sparked by discontentment at all." He pointed out. "Sounds kinda fishy."

"Okay, anyone else feeling kinda awkward with Simba and Nala's sexual tension?" Jim voiced out, "I mean, they're kids... Or cubs... Whatever. They're young."

Hiccup nodded, "Not to mention, cousins. Being in the same Pride..." He trailed off as Jamie kicks him lightly on the shin.

"Again, ruining childhood for me." Jamie sighed, and Astrid rubs his arm soothingly.

Jim points at the screen accusingly, "Ah! An elephant graveyard!" he gawked. "okay, was wrong on that, but still creepy as hell. Especially now that practically everywhere in the Savannah is an elephant graveyard... Even a rhino graveyard."

Jack shook his head, "Guys, you need to chill."

"Okay, these hyenas reminds me of that old Cartoon Network show, Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy." Hiccup mused, "Especially Ed, who's basically Ed. Can't be a coincidence."

Astrid snickered, "He's also you; laughing or making jokes to laugh about in inappropriate situations." she teased. "Got us in trouble a lot in those 'bring your kid to work' events."

"Aaaand Mufasa comes in to save the day," Jack slow clapped, "knew it. But boy, is Simba grounded. You done fucked up, kid."

"I'm surrounded by idiots..."

Jim huffed, leaning back against the couch and Dimitri's arm. "Mood." He deadpanned. "Also, calling out their cruelty to animated zebras."

"I know right?" Dimitri humored him, "where the fuck is PETA when you need them?"

Jamie snorted, smirking at them, "Uh, I don't know... Reality?"

"Doesn't feel like it either." Astrid quipped, "elephants still dying everywhere."

Jack rolled his eyes, "Fucking chill guys."

"Ah, Hiccup, look. How's that for discontentment?" Astrid pointed at the screen, "Scar's not satisfied with being sass king of the jungle. Wants to run for real king, that can't end well."

Hiccup shrugged, "I'll take it." He said, "and it's not a jungle, actually.

"Dude has mad pipes though." Jack pointed out, "I'd definitely attend the opening night of 'Scar: The Musical.'"

Jamie hummed thoughtfully, "Huh, a lion king remake with his perspective instead would be an improvement." He said.

"Simba, it's to die for!"

"Okay Hiccup, take notes." Astrid quipped, "Scar's pun game is topnotch."

Hiccup snorted, tossing a throw pillow her way. "Must've learned from me." He shot back, "I'm a master."

"Still," Astrid said, laughing as she threw the pillow back, "I have the feeling this is the point of the movie I'm gonna start hating Scar."

Jamie cringed as the stampede started, and he paused the movie much to everyone's frustration. "Okay, guys. Again, maybe you need ti—" he trailed off.

"PLAY THE DAMN MOVIE!"

Jamie did so. And he found it strangely satisfying when everyone cried out a despairing 'NOOOOOOOOOO!' along with Simba as Mufasa fell to his death.

"Mufasa is dead?!?!" Jim gawked, "he died?!!? Just like DUMBLEDORE?!?!?! Just like MY FATHER?!" He whimpered, leaning on Dimitri as his boyfriend reached for the box of Kleenex from Jamie. "Feeling unusually upset right now. It's a damn kid's movie. It has no right to be hitting it home, and right to the feels."

Dimitri sighed, patting his back consolingly. "There, there..."

"Fuck you, Scar. Just..." Jim groused, "Fuck. You."

Astrid sighed, taking a sheet from the Kleenex herself. "Gotta say, though," she started, "for a schemer like Scar, he sure does skimp on the quality of his henchmen. Letting Simba go is gonna bite him in the ass someday. Guaranteed."

"Okay," Jamie paused the movie. "intermission. Who needs a bio-break?"

Jim just stood up and went for the bathroom. The rest finished the pizza and Dimitri made sure to leave some for Jim.

"You good, Jim?

"Shut up and play the movie." The brunette groused, "ugh, I can't believe I cried. Damn you Scar."

Jamie laughed as he plays the movie once more. "Told you you'd need tissues."

"Screw you, man."

───────────────

"Mufasa's death was a terrible loss..."

Jim eats his pizza. He continues to curse Scar as he speaks of Mufasa's death. "Don't fall for his crap, come on!" He scowled. "Zazu, he fucking slammed you to a rock!" He sighed, "Why the hell are you letting him become king? This is why you animals are getting extinct."

"It's.... really not." Hiccup protested.

Dimitri massaged his shoulders, "Jim, you can print out a picture of Scar and dart him, okay pup?" He soothed.

"The hyenas look like they can get shit done, though." Jack mused, "well, except for giving Simba the slip."

Jim hummed, "Oh, baboon guy. Almost forgot about this dude." He said. "Cutting him some slack because I feel he's going to drop some Yoda shit on this bitch."

"You get so feisty when you're irritable." Dimitri mused, "and this is why Scroop secretly has a thing for you."

"WHAT!"

"What?"

"Don't worry," Dimitri shrugged, kissing the tip of his nose. "I don't share."

Jim huffed, "Well, I bloody hope not!"

"You gotta put your behind in your past."

"Gotta get a tattoo of this Pumbaa quote." Jack joked, "words to live by 101."

Hiccup audibly whimpered, taking Jack's hand. "Please don't " he said. "Your skin's perfect. It's bad enough that my choice of words already marred it."

"Aw, babe..." Jack hugged him, "you know I love it."

Astrid blew a raspberry. "Get a room."

"Uh, my house, so no." Jamie protested.

Jim blinked, "Wait, I know this is Timon and Pumbaa because I had them on a pencil case when I was eight or something. Then, I got one of space and that was that." He started. "But damn, I didn't know Hakuna Matata was from here. I have heard this song before, I am not entirely ignorant."

"I'm so hungry, I can eat a whole Zebra."

"I'm condemning this casual Zebra slaughter," Hiccup declared. "Let it be known. You can't just eat a whole Zebra, Simba. Come on."

Astrid gagged, "Insects? Really?" She shakes her head. "Simba's diet is fucked. I'm not a nutritionist or a zoologist, but I really, really, don't think insects are enough to get Simba through all those years in the jungle. I mean, it's like asking humans to survive on dog food alone."

"And yet he has grown into a fine-ass lion over the course of about three bars of song." Jack whistled, "Intriguing. Switching to insect-based diet after the movie."

Hiccup shakes his head, "Snowflake, I rather you go vegan."

Rafiki appears and takes Simba's floating fur with the dandelions...

"There's monkey Yoda again," Jim snorted, "jumping down on trees, not a walking stick in sight. He's on to something though, so I'll let it sli—HOLD THE PHONE!" The brunette balked, "Did baboon man REALLY figure out Simba was still alive from smelling dandelions that floated from miles away?"

Dimitri rubbed his back in circles, "Pup, stop being antagonized by the damn monkey already." he snickered, "it's cute, but I'm worrying over your mental health."

"Don't tell me what to do, dimwit." Jim scoffed, "I mean, really, this insane Yoda monkey with inconsistent usage of walking aids might be the movie's last hope. How to feel about this, I don't know."

"AAAAAAH!"

Hiccup hummed, faux sadly. "We're gonna lose Pumbaa. I can feel it." he said. "Life's just not fair, and warthogs just aren't fast."

"Oh, wait, it's Nala!" Jack cheered, "Yaaay!"

The freckled brunette snorted, crossing his arms. "Nala goes from hunting Pumbaa one minute to having a conversation with him after Simba vouches for him?" he shook his head, "So, tell me how there aren't any riots with the predators being friends with some preys, and others not? Unjustifiable exceptions."

"Guys, suspend your disbelief." Jamie sighed, "I think I gave out that warning earlier."

🎶...You needn't look too far; Stealing through the night's uncertainties, love is where they are~🎶

"Whoa, 'Can you feel the love tonight' was from this movie? Okay, it's official, I'm in love with this soundtrack." Jack made an exaggerated bowing down motion towards the screen, "Hands down one of the best soundtracks I've ever heard."

Dimitri narrowed his eyes at the screen, in scrutiny. "They totally boned at this scene, right?" he deadpanned. "I mean, did you see those bed room sex eyes?"

Jim stuffed him with a pillow, "At least the sexual tension between them doesn't feel as awkward now."

"You said you'd always be there! But you're not... it's because of me..."

Hiccup nodded his head, "Sexual tension replaced with crippling self-loathing, just like real life." he sighed, "feel ya, Simba."

"God, I don't know how many therapists mom made me see until I finally got over blaming myself for my sperm donor leaving us." Jim sighed, shaking his head. "and then guidance counseling when we found out he killed himself a few months before Freshemen year started."

Dimitri stared at his boyfriend worriedly, "Pup, do you need a hug?" he embraced him without waiting for a response.

"It ain't your fault, Jim. Shit happens... Especially stampedes if you're in a forest."

Jamie sighed, "Savannah."

"Real talk, though," Astrid mused, "shit happens when you've got scheming uncles who planned to push their brother off the buffalo freeway."

The brunette stared at his girlfriend before picking up his phone, "I'm tweeting that."

Rafiki appears humming incoherently...

"I swear to god, this monkey is on meth." Jim snorted, shaking his head. "Yeap, he just called Simba a baboon. This primate is trippin'."

Dimitri stared at the rest of his friends, as if he was in 'The Office'. "I'm never gonna hear the end of this, am I?"

"Better not bring him to any Zoos soon," Jack advised. "He might try to throw rocks at the monkey containment."

"Okay, I take it back." Jim raised his arms, "This is going to be some pivotal revelatory shit." he started.

"Correction, I know your father."

Jim glared at the screen, pointing an accusing finger. "Okay, still trippin'" He scowled at the meditation monkey, "I hope this really is Mufasa and not some metaphorical mambo-jumbo. If not, I call subterfuge."

Jamie was starting to wonder if this whole movie marathon was a good idea. They were just starting with the first one, and Jim already seems like a lost cause. Maybe there was a reason innocent children were the target audience.

"CALLED IT," Jim growled at the television, "that's a reflection, you punk-ass monkey. Way to let a brother down." He shook his head, frowning as the screen shows cloud Mufasa. "Aaaaand now he's slipped Simba some acid. Just great."

Definitely a bad idea.

"Wow, it worked." Even Hiccup is surprised. "who'da thunk it. Hm, might wanna check for hidden projectors, though. Monkey might've pulled a Mysterio... Well, for a good cause, but still. Jim's got it right with subterfuge."

Dimitri glared at him, "Dude, spoiler alert."

"Oops." Hiccup blushed, "sorry."

Jack blinked at the screen, "What the fuck," he scowled, "He just left Nala behind and returned home? When it was her idea in the first place? Bro, that's your soulmark. Boy, is he in for some pain."

"I think this came out before the discovery of soulmarks." Hiccup patted his hand soothingly. "there, there.... What we should really be questioning is that desert. I'm still wondering how there's even an oasis in this movie."

Jamie face palmed, "Suspend your disbelief, suspend... Oh, forget it." he groaned.

🎶"He eeee's a big pig (Yup, yup). You could be a big pig too. Oy!"🎶

"In a movie filled with amazing songs," Jack snickered, "Timon's luau song's gonna be my personal favorite. Bonus points for presentation."

Astrid sighed, placing a hand on her forehead. "And they fell for it," she tossed her hand in a 'I'm so done' manner. "This is why you hire quality hit man, Scar. You can't half-ass a coup and not expect repercussions."

"Well, if he was Loki-smart," Jamie shrugged, "well, there's no Avengers to beat him up and the heroes don't win."

Jim snorted, "Simplified hero-winning's overdone." he said. "Villain redemption arcs like Zuko's should start catching on."

"So, you have no cable for Disney," Dimitri started, "but you know ATLA?"

Jim shrugged, "A therapist was a fan," he explained, "and she thought it'd help with my father abandonment issues. Confirmed: It did."

"I killed Mufasa..."

Hiccup face palmed, and groaned as if he was in real agony. "Aaaagh, typical villain behavior." he groused, "shut your damn Zebra-holes, and finish the job for once, you idiots never learn."

"Chat shit, get banged, Scar." Dimitri snickered, "Chat shit, get banged."

Jim stuffs a pillow at him once more, "Stop it with the innuendos!" he sighed, as he stared at screen. He raised a brow, "Amidst this all-out melee, meth-monkey is doing some serious damage. How, I do not know."

"Well, guess he's been hiding his pizzaz all along."

Simba and Scar finally battle it out

"NOOOOOOO!"

"YEEEEEEEEES!"

Jack cheered, "SIMBA WINS." he grinned, "And the hyenas have also found a temporary solution to their food shortage. Win-win."

"This was a kid's movie..." Jim narrowed his eyes at the screen, "and they heavily implied Scar getting gang-devoured."

Jamie snorted, and snickered. "You should see the one when the villain got hanged from the treetops."

"WHAT!"

"Remember who you are..."

"Feel like 'The Eye of the Tiger' would be a proper song for this moment," Jack mused, before pausing in thought, "wait, wouldn't that be 'Eye of the Lion', then?"

Hiccup laughed, shaking his head. "And just like that, the land is glorious again. No mention of rehabilitation process with might have included replanting trees, and attracting livestock with lucrative real estate prices." he mused.

"Let's just hope this heralds a decline in the merciless killings of animated Zebras." Jim snorted, "still unsure as to how meth-monkey hasn't managed to drop a cub off the cliff yet."

Jamie shook his head, as he went back to Netflix's home screen, and grinned towards his friends, "Now, as payback for effectively ruining my childhood, here's a little piece of info to mindblow you guys: The Lion King is basically Hamlet but with lions, and a happy ending."

"WHAT!"

"Ohmygod!" Jack balked, "IT IS! IT SO IS!"

Hiccup frowned, shaking his head. "I can't believe I didn't see it," he frowned. "And I fucking love Hamlet. I feel like I've let Shakespeare down."

"Baboon man should've made like Yorick and turned into a skeleton head..." Jim snorted, "Wait, was that why they made Scar hold that skull in a certain way?"

Dimitri rolled his eyes, "And here I thought we moved past the whole Rafiki antagonized drama."

Jamie laughed outloud, clutching his stomach. "Just wait till you see the Romeo and Juliet sequel."

"Can we get a movie with more..." Astrid scrunched up her nose, "... humans please?"

[tilltheendwilliwrite]

Not Another Mummy!

Chapter One

First Chapter will be on Tumblr only until more can be written. Story originated thanks to this thread. One hundred percent @magellan-88​ ‘s fault. 

Pairing: Stucky   |  Word Count: 2001

Warnings: Language, mild angst, takes place after CA:TWS

Rick O'Connell was a mummy hunter. 

It hadn't always been his job, but he fell into it rather naturally. Well, Evie fell into it by way of raising Imhotep from the dead, damn near dying as the sacrifice to return his dead lover Anck-su-namun to the living, and then banishing him to the underworld. 

Twice.

As he was the (often) put upon hothead Yank to her more stoic (stiff upper lip, Chaps) British ways, her colleagues rolled their eyes at her but always out of Rick's line of sight. Still, there was no one better when it came to weird, ancient woo-woo crap.

So when a telegram came from a woman named Pegs, Evie had dropped everything to run to her side. 

It didn't matter they were crossing warzones or dragging their seventeen-year-old son with them to occupied France, Evie was going.

That was how Rick O'Connell met Steve Rogers, the Captain America, and his best friend, Bucky Barnes, and learned there was such a thing as kindred spirits.

Because Steven Grant Rogers was a punk with balls the size of Texas and no sense of self-preservation, and while Rick would never comment on the size of Evie's metaphorical brass bangers, the first time Bucky Barnes groaned with all the dramatics of a putout housewife and screamed, "Steven Grant Rogers! What the hell are you doing? Get down from there; you shit little punk!" Rick knew he'd finally met someone with his own Evie. 

For Barnes, Rogers was a bit like watching Evie, Alex, and Jonathan all rolled into one, but he at least had Peggy and the Howling Commandos as backup. Rick only had himself - and occasionally Ardeth Bay - to keep his troop of walking disasters from falling into pits, and waking the undead.

In France, the Howlies helped them clear out the spookables in the castle where Pegs had found the books she knew Evie would want to preserve, and the O'Connells and Howling Commandos had parted ways. 

Over the next few years, they occasionally crossed paths, and Rick developed a lasting friendship with Bucky Barnes built on saving their idiots and loving them with their whole hearts. 

So when the news came that Barnes had died, Rick took it hard. He tried to find Steve, but the war was too hot, and any commiseration of grief would have to wait. 

Still, he drowned himself in liquor for a week straight, and Evie, lovely, wonderful Evie, his very own Steve Rogers, poured him repeatedly into bed, where if Rick cried out his grief against her, she never told a soul. 

Then, with the news about Steve, Rick was both saddened and a little at peace. At least they were together. They could spend their afterlife as they had their life. Together. Best friends and, if Rick wasn't mistaken, something a little closer to what he had with Evie than either man shared publicly.

Rick didn't mind. He'd seen them together. Love like that, what did gender matter?

Decades later, when the news splashed across the screen that Steve Rogers was alive, Rick again cried for Bucky Barnes. Seventy years apart. How cruel was this world?

Things had changed by then, some for the better, some worse, but when Steve Rogers once again took up his shield and defeated the enemy falling out of the sky, Rick knew the world hadn't lost both heroes. Steve was still there, still fighting, still a symbol of hope to a nation desperately in need of it.

When the giant of a man showed up at Rick's door, after the Battle for New York, Rick was one hundred and ten years old. The look of surprise on Steve's face made Rick chuckle, even as he welcomed him inside and shuffled back to his recliner. 

They didn't talk about Bucky, though they did chat about Peggy, and Steve asked after Evie, gone now almost thirty years. A long time to be without his soulmate. They'd lost Jonathon before Evie, surprisingly to something as benign as a heart attack, not the loan sharks Rick always figured would do him in. Alex was eighty-six, but that hadn't stopped him from continuing the family business, hunting down artifacts and saving them and humanity when such was required.

Steve smiled softly before saying, "Thank you. People always know what I do or what I've done. They see me as a hero, but you and Evelyn, Alex and Jonathon? You saved the world a couple of times yourselves, but no one knows."

Rick shrugged. "I didn't do it for the world."

Two years later, though Steve didn't visit much, he kept in touch via email or text, which both surprised and touched Rick. He'd moved back to the States after Evie's death, mostly because he couldn't stand to be where she wasn't and had made a life there with Alex hovering.

Then one night, Steve showed up on his doorstep in the pouring rain, still healing from the bruises and broken ribs.

"He's alive."

Rick didn't need to ask who. Just led Steve into the house where the man fell to his knees beside Rick's chair and cried against his thigh like his soul had broken. 

Or maybe it was like the broken bits were slowly forging back together, a beautiful work of Kintsugi, his fractured soul now filling with golden lines of hope. 

When Steve left, it was with determination and purpose Rick hadn't seen on him since the forties. It was like he became a man possessed, determined to find what he'd lost, and Rick wished him every bit of luck. If Rick had the chance to get Evie back, there would be no stopping him. 

Two more years passed, Rick aged a little more, and finally, a knock came at his door. He was one hundred and fourteen when he saw Bucky again. One hundred and fourteen, when he opened the door to a man haunted by trauma Rick couldn't even fathom. 

Still, he opened the door to a grinning Steve, but it was the scowling Barnes he looked at. 

"Jesus fuck you got old," Barnes muttered. 

"Bucky!" Steve gasped. 

Rick laughed so hard he made himself wheeze and waved them in. They joined him in his living room, where he sat, unable to stop smiling. "Good to see you haven't lost your sense of humour."

"Lost some good chunks of memory, but some nice people helped stuff them back in." 

The harsh, cold blue eyes weren't the ones he remembered, but Rick could see him in there. He knew the stories, had heard all the reports. Longest living POW. Assassin. Killed JFK. Some said, war hero. Others cried, villain.  

Rick knew it was likely a little of both in Barnes' mind. 

But Steve still looked at Bucky like he hung the moon, and Bucky occasionally linked his pinky finger through Steve's when he thought Rick wouldn't notice. 

"It's nice to see you boys back together." He jerked his chin at Steve. "That one mopes around something fierce."

"We're figuring it out," Steve said, enough force in the sentence to make it clear he was tired of Bucky running. It had taken two years to get the man to stop. "We've worked things out with Stark. Tony's a hothead, he's angry, but he gets Bucky wasn't in control as the soldier."

Rick watched Barnes' flinch. "No, but it was still your hands, right, Buck?"

Blue eyes darted to his and then away. "How the hell are you still alive?"

"Jeez, Buck!" Steve growled. 

Rick chuckled, enjoying the role reversal. "Clean living." 

They both snorted. 

"Clean my ass. I've never seen anyone out drink Dum Dum before. What gives, O'Connell?" Barnes muttered. 

Rick glanced at Steve. There was a pink flush to the man's cheeks, a clear indication this was something they'd talked about, but Steve had never asked. Rick had always wondered if it was out of self-preservation. Maybe he thought asking would jinx whatever link Steve had left to his past. 

"Alex?" he called out. "Could you come in here?"

"You sure, Dad?" 

Steve and Bucky both stiffened and exchanged a look, likely surprised they hadn't known Alex was there. 

"I thought you said Alex was still in London?" Steve frowned. 

"I lied," Rick smirked. "Yeah, boy. Get your arse in here."

He trotted down the hall and into the living room. "Highya, fellas!"

Bucky and Steve stared, gaping from Alex to Rick and back. 

"Shit," Bucky hissed. "They got you too? How come no one knows?"

Alex leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, grin wide, his face as smooth and unwrinkled as it had been at twenty-five, the year he stopped ageing. The bright, burnished blond of his mop of unruly curls, something he'd inherited from Evie and only recently allowed to grow out, fell over his forehead and into his eyes.

"He's not a super-soldier," Rick explained before either man could have kittens. "Seems there was a side effect to the Bracelet of Anubis no one knew about."

Alex spread his arms and gave a cheeky grin. "Looks like I'm immortal."

Rick slapped a hand to his face. "Unageing is not immortal. You can still die, dumbass!"

"That explains him, but what about you?" Steve asked.

"Something to do with the temple." Rick shrugged. "I went through the door with him. Some of the power rubbed off. I age, just… slower."

"Hence the reason you look a spry eighty?" Barnes mumbled.

Rick chuckled, reached up, and pulled the prosthetics from his face. "More like a spry fifty."

"Jesus!" Steve's eyes went wide. "I never even guessed!"

"Alex is good with the face paint. We've had to be. And that's another reason we moved back here. People were starting to remark on the uncanny resemblance of my grandson to my son."

Steve and Bucky exchanged a look.  

"What?" Rick murmured. "Surely, this isn't too much after witches, aliens, and giant green Hulks?"

"No. No, it's not that," Steve said, quick to reassure them. "It's just…"

"Punk had a second reason for coming today. The Avengers found some woo-woo shit. He wanted you to take a look at it. Stark's fancy AI can tell us lots, but she ain't you."

Rick leaned forward, his back cracking, thankful to be straightened. "I'm no Evie, but squirt over there took after her for smarts. She was always the brain. I was just the muscle."

"Come on, Dad." Alex sauntered in and nudged him. "You learned loads from Mum. Plus, that Warrior for God thing comes in handy on occasion."

"Warrior for God?" Bucky asked.

Rick worked the cuff off his right arm, showing them the tattoo hidden beneath it. "Sorry, fellas. Didn't tell you everything that happened with the Scorpion King."

"Yeah. Like how we used the Book of the Dead to bring Mum back to life," Alex grinned. 

"I'm sorry. You did what now?" Steve asked. 

Rick laughed and shook his head. "All in good time. Alex, get the whiskey. Let's see what you've got."

Steve rose and returned to the door where he'd left a backpack, while Alex grabbed four glasses and a bottle and dumped an unhealthy amount into each one. The bag clanked when Steve set it on the floor between his feet, and Rick arched a brow. 

"This is what we found." He placed the golden box on the coffee table. 

Rick gave a low whistle. "Jonathon would have liked the look of that."

"It's really brilliant, isn't it?" Alex mumbled as he crouched to take a closer look. "Look at the way the rubies are inlaid. It's like someone wanted it to appear as if it were dripping blood." He spun it slowly, taking in the images and raised glyphs. "Shite, Dad! Do you know what this is?"

Rick didn't get a chance to answer no as Alex was already running out of the room. 

"So, is he as reckless as Evie?" Bucky asked, the first semblance of a smirk since his arrival twitching the man's lips.

"Worse. He's got a nose for treasure like Jonathon and my stubbornness," Rick chuckled. "Then, there's his mouth."

"Which he definitely got from you," Steve chuckled.  

Rick didn't dispute it. 

Alex returned and dropped a book as thick as Steve's arm on the table, causing it to jump, the chest to skitter across it, and only the reflexes of two super-soldiers to keep everything from going sideways. 

"Alex! Calm your enthusiasm!" Rick barked. 

"No! No, calming!" The manic gleam in his eyes never boded well for any expedition. "Look!" 

He wrenched the book open, sending dust and the scent of musty pages spinning, but it opened on an illustrated page of a female warrior standing over the bodies of the slain. 

"Ah, no," Rick groaned. "Not another mummy!"

[vanityloves]

anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

[angelhummel]

which season of every character you prefer?

Oof man idek where to start. I think I’m only gonna talk about the characters that we’re/I’m always talking about lol. And although it will be hard as hell for some of them, I am only going to focus on the positives

Kurt - Season 5. I just love seeing sexy mature Kurt being successful in all aspects of his life. He’s going to school, he’s in a band, he’s got a job. He’s making new friends, trying new things, having new adventures. I think he’s the most himself this season and it’s really fun and interesting to watch

Blaine - I like s2 and s6 for Blaine. Mostly because they’re kind of similar. Not that I don’t like seeing Blaine growing and changing but in those seasons he’s just so confident and knows who he is. He’s in a well suited position of authority over the Warblers. He’s helping newcomers (Kurt, Jane) adjust and trying to find where they belong. And especially in s6, he’s not trying to be a people pleaser. He’s looking out for himself and not letting himself get walked over and I love that for him

Rachel - Mid to late s4, early s5. I like seeing her out of McKinley and navigating her adult life, just like I like for Kurt. I also think she’s a good friend in these chunks of episodes and you know that’s important to me. I love her dynamics with Kurt and Santana and even Brody for a while. It’s a nice change of pace from Lima Rachel. Although I do have a soft spot for s1 Rachel. Yes she has her flaws but like she’s so lonely and sad and I really felt for her

Finn - Season 4. And we know what he does in s4. But for positives: I liked how he treated Artie and Unique and helped them with their problems. I liked that he was finding his place and learned he wanted to be a teacher. I liked his mini mentor relationships with the newbies. And he was a better teacher than Mr. Schuester so yay

Santana - Season 4. I hate that she’s not in it a lot but she still manages to have great moments and make a big impression. I love seeing her flirt with, kiss, and sleep with other girls without even a whisper of biphobia yay. I love how fiercely protective she is over Marley, who she just met, in Thanksgiving, and over Rachel in the later half of the season. I love that she went back to her old school to perform one of the main leads in the school play, and had the whole thing about wanting to dance. Because even if she was lost or confused, she still wanted to perform which makes me even saltier that they dropped that half way through s5 so she could fuck off with brittany oops

Brittany - Season 2. Her Britney and Kesha numbers were iconic. I actually liked Bartie, I thought their relationship was cute. I love her little speech to Santana in the season finale. “What are you going to be for Halloween?” “I’m going as a peanut allergy” is one of like four actually funny Brittany lines. And I’ll take a plot about Santa Claus over leprechauns or the Mayan apocalypse any day!

Mercedes - Season 5. Same with all the others, I just love seeing her being happy and successful in New York. She’s more radiant and confident and self assured than she’s ever been before. She’s successful and making her music but she’s still a loyal friend. Never too busy to help out her girls. Also I love that they took the whole “waiting till marriage” thing seriously and she never compromised her beliefs bc she thought it was what someone else wanted. I really do think she matured the most, especially there in the end of s5. 

Tina - Season 1. Her punk and early goth looks were sooo fucking good. She was actually getting lines and solos and chances to shine?? Unheard of. She was sweet and funny and a good friend, but wasn’t about to put up with anyone’s bullshit. I’m not one of these dumb ass tHeY bUtChErEd HeR cHaRaCtEr people buuut they actually used her and appreciated her in s1 and I gotta go with that

Quinn - Season 1. She was the HBIC and it was interesting to see her journey. I said it somewhere else but for me, Quinn getting pregnant is like what kicked off the show. She had some good songs and lines, and tons of closeted lesbian moments lmao. Also this was the last time the show or any characters genuinely cared about her so that was nice to see

Sam - Season 2. Before he disappeared and came back and was kind of weird and then got the Brittany treatment and it was just a mess. I still love him but I can’t deny he shines brightest in s2. Showing up and instantly being better than Finn in every way. Being a loyal boyfriend who didn’t deserve the crap he got. Sticking up for Kurt and not caring about dumb homophobic opinions. And even though they weren’t all great, or all romantic, I love his relationships with Quinn, Santana, Mercedes, Rachel, and Kurt. All their scenes are honestly highlights of s2 for me

Aaand those are all the characters I care about! Or that anyone likes to talk about. I’m not really interested in the other boys, and anyone else who was introduced after s2 doesn’t get enough to do to be different in each season so. There you have it!

[radicalravioli]

Daddys little whore ¡teacher!frank iero smut

Tw.daddy kink,very sexual,alchol .

Frank, Mr iero, frankie , sir , mister , the cool music teacher, the dude that you met at a gig , punk rock 25 year old man who acts like he's 19 . Those are many names that describe Frank iero my music teacher , the one who stole my heart on the first day of freshmen year .

I'm a senior now so I've had a crush on the man for quite a long time.

Of course you can't say he's the sexiest teacher, I mean there's Mr Way out art teacher , Mr Toro our math teacher and

Mr Way number two aka Gerard's brother aka Mikey or our English teacher .

I'm probably the closest with Mikey and Frank , I mean don't get me wrong I still think that Gerard and Ray are cool it's just that. I tell Mikey everything and Frank is the funny teacher that every student adores .

I want to do one thing before heading off to college , and that's hooking up with him .

Yeah that's my plan you heard me.

I've been dressing in some more reviling clothes , I'd wear matching lace underwear with a bra that I had bought specifically for this occasion .

Sometimes I'm in my room alone touching myself to the thought of him and what those tattooed hands could do .

Today I was most definitely gonna get his attention .

~~~

I hurried to Mikey's class knowing I'd be late , I spent the whole night on tumblr and reading some NSFW fics.

Gotta love tumblr .

I put on my normal uniform it's just that I put on knee high black socks , a chain to my usual plaid red skirt , then my Converse and finally a black hoodie that on the sleeves wrote

'Daddy's little whore'

With nothing beneath it .

I was gonna hit it off hard .

I opened the door to English as I spotted Mikey in his chair and the students writing some essay or something .

"Morning Mikey , sorry I'm late" I called him by his fist name witch he never liked , but I was practically his best friend so i had a pass .

"Morning y/n take a seat and if you're late again btw this is the fifth time this week , I'm gonna give you detention got it "he said still glued to his papers .

You see Mikey has gotten suspicious , especially cuz I started to dress like a slut .

I'd usually tell Mikey the details about my crushes and how they look like and so on .

And he'd tell me to go ask him or her out .

But I didn't tell Mikey about Frank , I simply can't . He's his best friend and band mate , I can't just straight up say 'hey I like my music teacher I want him to bang me against his desk and call me his dirty little slut '

Hell nah

So I decided to keep it to myself.

Well mostly myself.

I sat down next to my blond haired bestie and gave him a side hug .

"How's it going my man " I told Patrick

He smiled , turning away from his work .

"Hey there n/n , I'm good " then he looked at my outfit

"Trying to impress ireo again ?"

He whispered, I nodded and took off his fedora to ruffle up his strawberry blond hair .

He scratched his face up and snatched his hat away from me adjusting it .

"By the end of the year I'm gonna smosh with him " I chuckled lightly as the fedorable tiny human smiled at me .

"Y/n , you know that Anthony and Ian put the copyright struck on the word 'smosh' so use it carefully " Mikey said smiling at me .

"It's ok y/n !" Ian yelled across the classroom as Anthony put Ian's hand down and smiled at me before getting back to work .

In a flash the bell rang and all the students left the classroom .

I waved at pat and turned around to face Mikey's hazel eyes .

"Soooooo any new crushes huh y/n "

Mikey wiggled his eyebrows at me as I rolled my eyes at him .

"Yeah" I said fiddling w the sleeve of my hoodie .

I could hear him whisper a small 'yes' and punch the air . I giggled and sat down next to him .

"So tell me all about them " he said taking a sip of his coffee on the table .

I nodded as I tried to think of a way that I can describe Frank to Mikey without him knowing .

"So he's a bit older than me , and has this black hair that is always greasy but it makes him look good and hazel eyes but they are a bit more on the green side then brown and he's covered in tattoos and ugh imagine what those tattoo covered hands can do " I went on and on. Pausing a couple of times go take a deep breath.

"Uh-huh so he has hazel eyes and black hair and Is covered in tattoos.....that sounds like frank" he knit his eyebrows together and sent me a confused look .

Then realization hit him and his face turned from confused to a shocked one .

"Holy shit you're in love with Frank that's why you wore all those slutty clothes it's because of him " he mumbled as I looked at him in panic I thought he was gonna tell me that I'm weird and that I'm some kind of weirdo that falls for way older men .

"You have next class with him , holy crap you need to hook up " he said looking at me  with a smirk , I smirked back and he gave me some advice on him and how to get him easily .

***

I left Mikey's classroom and skipped lunch to hang out with my friends .

As usual we climbed up some tree and sat on a branch while gossiping about teachers and other people

Oh don't forget the part where we smoke and Pete brings booze so we get pretty much wasted before class .

"Come on Patrick it's just a bit of alcohol , don't be a pussy "I slurred as Patrick looked at the bottle and shook his head .

"Pat , Patty , Trick , my best friend come on man get loose " Pete said as Andy and Joe stared at Patrick in amusement .

"I told you guys I'm not drinking " said the blond as he pushed away the flask that Pete shoved in his face .

I sighed looking over to Pats orange juice , I smirked looking at Pete and handing it to him .

"Oh yeah " I whispered as pat was too interested in looking at Ryan Ross and Brandon Uries painting that was hung up inside the school .

Pete poured a good amount of booze in Patrick's juice and winked at me .

***

I heard the bell ring and headed to music .

My time to shine.

I smirked to myself as I entered ieros class .

"Morning Mr Iero "

I smiled at him and his hazel eyes as he looked me up and down eyes glued to my knee high socks .

"Morning y/n , I see you changed up your look today " he smirked at me and my stomach flipped .

I turned pink as I put my hand on his chest rubbing the fabric of his thin dress shirt .

"Yeah , yeah I did the uniform was too old fashioned for me with all those boring clothes" I said as I took a seat .

Frank explained something to the class and I listened carefully , not to him but his voice of course .

It was so stern and husky and god darn sexy .

I pressed my thighs together , I was dripping and I needed some attention now .

I got up from my seat and swayed over to the door as a hand grabbed my wrist .

"Y/n"he said sternly , obviously annoyed by my behavior.

"Yes Mr Iero " I turned to face him .

"Did I say you can leave the classroom ?"

His eyes filled with filth as I started becoming more wet down there .

I shifted in my place and shook my head .

"Detention , see me after class "

I did it , I thought . Taking a seat on my chair and nodding innocently .

Throughout the class Frank has been giving me looks and winking at me from time to time .

It made me wanna jump on him and rape his ass.

***

All the students left the class leaving me with Frank .

I was exited knowing what I'd get for being such a bad girl .

"I'm aware that you know better then not to disobey me sweetheart" he purred as he stood up to look me in the eyes .

"You know bad girls like you get punishments ...." he whispered in my ear as he planed a kiss on my neck .

"Girls like you get to be fucked against the wall for not listening" he took my wrist and made me stand up .

He then forced my lips to his as he put his hands on my waist and I put mine on his chest .

I pushed him on his chair and strangled his hips . His nails dug deep in the skin on my thighs as his tongue danced with mine in the war for dominance .

He moved to my neck to leave open mouthed kisses on my neck , nibbling and marking what's his .

"Oh baby how I dreamed of this moment" he purred against my neck as I took off my hoodie .

His eyes bugged out seeing that there's nothing beneath .

"Aw sweetheart dressing up for me , how nice of you " he smirked and moved to undo my bra .

He yanked it on the desk as he moved to grope them , he took one nipple in his mouth and nibbled making me moan .

He grinds himself on me , his erection obvious.

"Wanna blow me baby ?" I melted in his embrace as I lowered myself on my knees and carefully unzipped his slacks and slid them down .

I palmed him though his boxers as he groaned bucking his hips.

I pulled his boxers down for his erect bud to spring free , as I looked at him hungrily and pressed my tongue against his tip spreading pre cum.

I took him in and bobbed my head as he groaned and slowly fucked my mouth .

He pulled on my h/c locks and moaned , sweat forming on his forehead as his dark brown hair stuck to his skin .

I moaned against him causing to him buckling his hips again and making me gag .

He pulled out his stiff cock , a bit string of drool stuck to it connecting my swollen lips to him .

"You did so good baby , such a good girl". He smirked and lifted me up to his hight , pressing a kiss to my lips as I moved and strangled his hips once more .

He reached under my skirt and moved my panties to the side , his fingers brushing against my wet folds making me moan .

He smirked his hazel orbs filled with lust as he lined himself up with me .

"Now sweetie , are you going to be a good little slut for daddy and let me fuck this tight little pussy in peace or are you going to disobey me and be a naughty little girl" he growled as I nodded .

"Use your words baby "said the brunette as I whimpered . Squirming under his touch .

"Yes sir " I said on the edge of a moan his voice was beyond sexy and I was dripping .

"Perfect "he shot me a smirk before slamming into me , I bit my lip trying to to cry out in pleasure .

A muffled moan escaped his lips as I bounced up and down his dick .

I shifted my hips for him to hit the g spot. As he suddenly hit it , I shut my eyes as squeezed them trying not to moan .

The room started to smell like sex as he was making the most beautiful sounds .

I couldn't hold it anymore and just moaned out in pleasure as he looked at me and dug his nails in my his harder.

He started to twitch as my thirsts became sloppier.

"Y/n - fuck -"he groaned as I reached my orgasm .

"Fuck!" We yelled in sync as we both came , I squirted all over his cock while. A hot liquid ran down my thighs .

He pulled out and patted against my shoulder as I stood up trying to find my panties. The stuck out of the pocket of his dress pants , he put on his boxers and stood up .

"You were very well behaved today miss y/n , you have been excused from math class and I hope you have a lovely day " he said as I headed out the door , suddenly he spanked my ass and left a kiss behind my ear .

"I'll see you sir "

"Hope this happens again "

"The feelings mutual"

***

I chuckled to myself as I entered art sitting next to Pat again .

"You wouldn't believe what happened " I whispered as he turned to me and took out his earbud.

"What " he smiled sending me a confused look

"I accomplished my goal "

I said proudly as his eyes went wide .

He was about to say something as Pete cut him off .

" you hooked up with Iero WHOOO "

Pete fake wiped his tear

"I'm so proud of you , my baby is finally gown up " .

Hi boiz so that was it , like I said PLEASE REQUEST MY BRAIN IS EMPTY JUST DO IT .

Thanks for reading .

[cerberus253]

Is there a chance to become Drago's girlfriend, if, for example, you are just a sweet, most ordinary girl? Not a villain or anything like that. Maybe she is a master of extreme sports to get his attention. Or it could be a punk girl from the friends of Ice's team. But if she's just ... in high school? It is very difficult for me to imagine how, under the conditions of the events of the series, Drago can meet a girl, become interested in her, it is enough to know her as a person and fall in love.

Oh so like me?? XD (except that I’m 21 and straight outta a 2-year college)

The main qualities that one primarily needs are patience and understanding. If you have some sort of mental disorder or physical disability, one would also need to, more-or-less, understand and accept thyself as well, for you cannot help someone else without working on yourself first, at least to reasonable degrees. I say this because Drago WILL be a piece of work that WILL wear-and-tear the s/o down often with just how much mental and emotional work that the relationship will take; that’s just what happens with incredibly broken people, sadly. With that being said, one also needs to know when to put their foot down and not be stepped all over. Not only would Drago be personally impressed that you have a backbone, but it is also needed to help him through his problems, knowing how stubborn he is. So, if this “ordinary girl“ has these qualities, including the “sweet[ness]” you’ve stated, a romantic relationship is most likely possible.

With meeting, I want to say the most likely scenario would eventually be through the Ice Crew because, well, they are humans full and through, while Drago isn’t and has no interest in getting to know people on a personal level. I’m not saying the situation of the person going up to Drago directly and initially, saying ‘Hi‘ or the vice versa isn’t possible, it’s just highly unlikely and would only happen under very specific circumstances. Anyway, meeting the Ice Crew first would be the most plausible. How that introduction starts is up to the fanfic writer, but again, it should follow the listed characteristics of the individual that I’ve laid out, not some OOC crap-- but I also have to state you can do what you want! My words are not a Bible to follow; these are just my own thoughts and opinions!

Moving forward, I say “eventually through the Ice Crew“ because you’d have to have at least someone in the whole four group (this includes Drago) to encourage you to hang out with them. It is possible to always be going to the junkyard while no one really cares that you’re there, but that doesn’t feel good, does it? Like, of course Drago would rather not have you around, but include the Crew in that? Yeah, that’d be pretty debilitating to one’s psyche. However, if you want to do the story that way, go ahead; I ain’t stoppin ya. But I also have to add, what else is the individual going to do? Just sit in the background, eating popcorn, watching them like entertainment, like a weirdo? I mean, sure, but that’s not going to get you anywhere. What I’m trying to get here is you need something else to do aside from following Drago around like a mosquito, and the only other activity is either hanging out with the Crew in their off time, or go along a completely different route and just work in the junkyard or something. Ya need another reason to be at the junkyard often than just (trying to) hanging out with Drago because he’s going to use all his power to make you stay away since you’re technically not helping him with his endeavors; so, do a junkyard job, junkyard diving, hanging out with the Crew, or whatever because Drago would have little reason to argue with you at that point. “He could still try and scare you off, though.“ I don’t think he’d want to waste his time with scaring off one measly human, ya know, as long as they’re not THAT annoying. (”Whatcha doin’ whatcha doin’ whatcha doin’ whatcha doin’????” “GrrrRRRR! SHUT! UP!”)

Aaaaaanyway, doing whatever other activity one is doing at the junkyard, and occasionally expressing the desire to interact with Drago, as well as acting upon said desires, would be the better vantage point. So, if Drago tells you to go away and threatens you if you don’t, you can walk away like he requested, but still have a reason to be there in the premise. A lot of times to people your mere presence is enough to make someone happy (or at least keep you on their mind), whether you’re interacting with them or not. “Wouldn’t Drago want you to go far away, like away and out of the junkyard?“ Yeah, probably, but you can argue that you still need to do your primary activity, which doesn’t actually involved Drago to begin with. So, you’ll just step away from HIM, and by staying in the premise, it gives you (and him) and second chance to interact with one another sooner or later.

A lot of this occasional interaction, maybe increasing if Drago seems to tolerate you more and more, you could get on his good side, but be warned he will not admit he likes your presence because originally he really wouldn’t want you here if you have no use to him and his goal. But wait, making him happy IS something useful, right? Yeah, and he, deep down inside, knows it, but will deny it because he isn’t suppose to like humans to begin with. This is the point where Drago will start to become frustrated with his different desires and need, ones for his human half and ones for hi demon half, which I believe I have discussed before. You could also label this as your first Trial and Tribulation(s) with your patience, understanding, and kindness, for he will get more irritable and mean than usual. These events will also take a VERY long time to get through; he needs to be encouraged that it’s okay to be different, but still given a lot of time to digest that hard-to-swallow-pill fact. As a bonus, when these events do begin, you have the Ice Crew to talk to! They may not care about Drago at all, but they do care about you as a friend, so they can tell you what they know AND step in if Drago wants to physically harm you at any time. Befriending the Ice Crew first has many perks and very little downsides ;) At least, the Ice Crew inside my head does...

Gifts like edible treats, badass jackets, and (my favorites) getting decent food and making tents and decent beds for them (so they don’t have to sleep on hard tires and gross-old car seats) would always be great. Like, I personally like to think about making breakfast for them; the Crew would be like “Hell yeah!“ and Drago would be like “... I’m not thanking you, but I am hungry“ and then just sits by himself to eat because fuck you guys, he doesn’t have feelings (b-baka...).

I also want to say do not be afraid to express your enjoyment of Drago. Even when he’s in a sour mood, try not be reluctant to be around him. Yes, there is a good chance something will get physical in the bad way, but the point is you’re trying to show him you genuinely like him and want to help even if it’s not in the way he admittedly wants. It’s okay to be afraid of him, but not letting that fear get the best of you and going up to be nice to him will show him that not everyone hates him for being what he is and his negative aspects. Of course, like I’ve said, don’t let him walk all over you, so you don’t have to be kind ALL THE TIME, but you need to be able to discern when to be passive and when to be aggressive. It’s good to have a lot of the former, because compassion is what he needs, but too much of the later makes him harbor permanent resentment; resentment in general will happen, but it would/should be temporary. Like, ya know when one character says something critical to another, and it pisses that second character off, and they think about it a lot, but then they actually learn from it and that critical statement ends up being helpful to them? Yeah, that’s what I mean by “temporary resentment.“ Permanent resentment would lead to a relationship not too different than the one with his Dad.

A lot of the time you will need to be taking the initiative when doing activities, from talking to Drago all the way to suggesting hanging out outside of just normal junkyard stuff. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I feel like if done right, the payoff will be worth it. Drago will definitely be the territorial and controlling type, but by God will he love you; he would probably aggressively SMOTHER you that you will have no idea if it’s actually obsession or actual love feelings XD That may sound OOC of him, but... I dunno, I feel like he can learn to love and be scary flustered by/with it.

“Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high.“ - William Goldman, The Princess Bride

But, like, “Drago’s heart was a buried garden, the ground suffocating the very little life left, and the walls were very high and heavy.“

[valkyriesryde]

I’m Going to Spin You

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: Bucky teaches the reader how to dance in preparation for Tony and Pepper’s wedding.

Warnings: language and I think there’s one sexual innuendo if you squint

A/N: This is pure fluffy rubbish but i lowkey love it. It’s been sitting half done in my docs but I got so bored at work I decided to just finish it so here you go.

Words: 2,042

Masterlist

* * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * *

“What the hell are you doing?” Bucky leaned against the door frame of the sparring room. You were stood in the middle of one of the mats, your feet moving to the music that played from the speakers.

“I’m trying to waltz so I’m prepared for Tony and Pepper’s wedding.” You didn’t bother looking up, trying to focus on the task at hand. Bucky stepped forward to the edge of the mat, his arms crossed over his chest.

“That’s not waltzing,” he laughed. You stopped your movement, spinning around with your hands on your hips.

“Go away.” he stayed where he was, eyeing you almost as if to challenge you.

“They’re wedding is in two days you know,” he smiled at you. You sighed, brushing the hair out of you face. You were very aware the wedding was in two days. You were also very aware you couldn’t dance before today but you also did not at all want to learn.

“I’m an avid procrastinator” you muttered. Bucky laughed again as he stepped onto the mat, taking your right hand and placing it on his shoulder, his left sitting just above your waist.

“What are you doing?” His right hand held your left softly in the air. He smirked down at you licking his lips.

“I’m making a sandwich what does it look like I’m doing? I’m going to teach you how to dance” Bucky took a small step forward, you quickly followed, your head down so you could watch exactly where he went. Bucky continued to lead you, only taking small steps around the mat. He watched you concentrating, finding it amusing that the small girl who he’d seen jump off of a building was currently flustered at the prospect of a simple dance.

“Stop looking at your feet,” he chuckled. You kept staring down. If you didn’t look up at him you could pretend you’re not dancing with the man you’re infatuated with and you won’t have to look into his gorgeous blue eyes.

“I’m going to step on you,” you spoke slowly. Bucky took his hand off of your waist, you hadn’t even realised it had moved to rest there, using it to lift your chin so you were looking at him. He smiled placing it back onto your waist, lower than before which you made a mental note to ask Natasha if that meant something later on.

“I think I can take it,” he held your gaze, “just look at me, let me lead.” You gulped but nodded, trusting that Bucky knew what he was doing though you can’t say you’d ever actually seen him dance.

The two of you continued swaying, moving slowly around the mat for a few songs in silence. You watched him the whole time, watched as he looked out the window smiling, watched as he licked his lips, pulling his bottom lip with his teeth. How good would it be to feel those lips on your skin, that tongue -

“I’m going to spin you now” Bucky pulled you out from your imagination, you tensed as his hand left your waist.

“No, Bucky don’t,” but it was too late. Bucky spun you around, pulling you back into his chest quickly. That stupid smirk you for some reason found yourself love was smacked right across his face. He continued to hold you close, raising an eyebrow at you when you didn’t say anything, just looking at him with your mouth agape. Was he looking at your mouth? This would be a perfect time to kiss him you thought. But you can’t because your relationship with Bucky is just harmless flirting, no matter what you want or what Natasha and Wanda say all you do is flirt.

“I think that’s enough for now.” You pushed yourself away from him taking three large steps back and then moving towards your phone that was plugged into the speaker. Bucky was taken aback from your abrupt movement. He was quite enjoying having you close to him, feeling you against him. He watched you almost run out of the door, catching sight of Steve who was leaning against the door frame where he had been only five minutes earlier.

“What are you looking at?” Steve shrugged his shoulders, trying not to laugh at his best friend, knowing he was practically in love with you. “Are we sparring or not,” Bucky huffed.

“We can dance if that’s what you prefer,” Steve laughed at Bucky as he stepped into the room, dropping his bag onto the ground. Bucky picked up the water bottle from the ground and threw it at Steve’s shoulder who continued to laugh at his love struck friend.

“Fuck off” he spoke but his voice was light and he was smiling wide. Even though Bucky knew he was never going to hear the end of this it was well worth it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Bucky and Steve sat on one of the couches in the common room. Other’s were sprawled out amongst the seats, everyone content in doing their own thing in the proximity of others. A ding played in the distance, almost pulling Bucky out of his thoughts, thoughts of you, dancing, laughing, touching, kissing, another ding pulled him completely out. He picked up the phone from beside him seeing two new messages from you.

‘I need you to practice dancing with me’

‘on the roof’

Immediately he rose to his feet, excited to get another opportunity to hold you against him. Steve watched him get up, having read the messages over his shoulder.

“Have fun,” he called as Bucky left the room.

“Fuck off you nosey punk,” Bucky called back.

He walked out onto the roof finding you looking out towards the small area of woods that surrounded the side of the compound. You swayed slightly to the music, not realising Bucky had arrived until he stopped your music and plugged his own phone in.

“If I’m going to teach you how to dance we’re going to use my music, yours is crap” he spoke pulling you towards him to how you had been the day before but this time his hand sat on the small of your back. You nodded, his music can’t be that bad, until you realised what he had put on.

“This is my favourite song” you looked up at Bucky whose focus was held on the wall behind you.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he shook his head.

The two of you began dancing, slightly bigger steps this time, more movement around the room. You still watched him, this time Bucky held your eye contact. It made you nervous though, knowing he was watching you, having him this close to you. You body was tense and Bucky could feel it.

“Relax,” he spoke softly. All of a sudden he spun you around so your back was pressed against his chest, his arms wrapped around you. “You gotta relax doll you’re too tense, nobody’s watching,” he whispered it softly in your ear before spinning you back around to how you were. If he expected you to relax after that he’s delusional you thought. But the playful look in his eye made it obvious he knew what he was doing, trying to distract you with his charm.

“Is that a move you used to use on the ladies old man?” You smirked back at him, deciding it was easier to play along with his game. It always was.

“Doll you couldn’t handle one of my moves,” he let out a laugh seeing the way your eyes widened at his comment.

“Try me”

“Maybe another time” he smiled

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The party was in full swing. People were dancing, drinking, laughing. Everyone was at least a little bit tipsy. You’d gotten out there a couple of times, jumping and waving your arms with your friends to the upbeat music that played. Every time a slow song came on you made an excuse or snuck away without being seen, Bucky saw though. He watched you the entire night, the way you darted towards the bar as soon as a slow song came on, how you constantly refused anyone’s invite to dance with them.

“I spend all that time teaching you to dance and you haven’t gotten out there once” You looked up to find Bucky standing over you with his eyebrows pulled down disappointedly.

“What if I’m shit and forget everything you taught me” you sighed fidgeting with the end of your dress.

“Come on” He pulled the hand from your lap pulling you out of your seat and towards the dance floor. You tried to protest but he wouldn’t have any of it, shaking his head as he turned towards you and held you like he had twice before. Right hand clasp around your left, left hand lightly pressed to the small of your back. You looked around nervously, darting between the people around you and your feet. Bucky gave your hand a slight squeeze, moving you attention to him,

“This is a lot easier when there’s nobody watching”

“Then pretend there’s nobody here, just look at me” His smile was reassuring as you did what he said. Your focus was on Bucky and his was on you. You were still tense, still nervous that people were watching you and that everyone would see you step on his feet and make a fool of yourself. But Bucky knew the best way for you to relax was to distract you and so thats what he did. He told you about Sam failing to hit on one of Pepper’s cousins, how Steve almost lost the rings that morning, he had you laughing and forgetting about every worry and everyone around you. It was just the two of you.

You were finally having fun, you hadn’t stopped dancing with Bucky, neither of you wanting it to end, to leave your own little bubble. Once Bucky saw you relax he started to flirt with you again, making the cheeky comment here and there, pretending to dip you just to get you to laugh. He licked his lips, his eyes watching yours while his hand slowly moved down your back.

“Careful there” you pursed your lips and narrowed your eyes at him, his hand moving back up.

“How am I meant to do any of my moves if you won’t let me doll” He laughed, raising an eyebrow.

You rolled your eyes remembering your conversation the night before.

“I know you have better moves than that” you challenged him. Bucky smirked at your comment, pulling closer so you were pressed against him, still moving to the music.

“You’ll just have to wait and see doll” he whispered in your ear sending shivers down your spine. You sucked in a breath about to reply when both of your attention was shifted to the cackling laughter coming from the side of the dance floor. Steve was doubled over in laughed while Sam stared at the two of you with a stunned and confused look.

“Since when?!” He shouted pointing directly at you. You looked at Bucky who stuttered over his words before shrugging and looking back at the two men with a glare.  

“Shut your hole Rogers!” He yelled with a growl. You looked at him expectantly, waiting for an explanation that he knew you’d never get as he shook his head.

“I’m going to spin you.” he muttered, hoping to move past what was obviously Steve letting Sam in on his secret crush on you, much to Sam’s amazement. You looked at him shaking your head but before you could get a word out he spun you quickly and pulled you back into him, a laugh escaped you. You hated to admit you were enjoying dancing with Bucky, it didn’t matter who was watching, but you weren’t about to tell him that in case he thought it was because it was with him. Which it was, but that’s beside the point. You’d much rather just enjoy the rest of the night in his arms.

Bucky laughed as you spun, admiring the smile on your face that was all because of him. He made a mental note to punch Steve later for almost ruining the night. Almost.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  

Thank you for reading! As always requests are open so hmu!

[ubernoxa]

The Token: A GNR FanFic

Chapter 3: You’re Insane

(Masterlist)

Story Summary: Story inspired by the movie She’s the Man. A female Duff is tired of dealing with the bullshit of trying to make it on the strip as a female bassist.

Chapter Summary: Betsie confront Michelle aka Duff about how stupid her plan is. Michelle realizes that keeping up the charade might be harder than she originally thought

Taglist: @smokeandmirrorz

“Are you fucking insane,” I looked up into the bathroom mirror to see Betsie standing behind me. She knew who I was no doubt about it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I replied before drying my hands.

“Give it a break Michelle, I locked the bathroom door, so it’s just you and me in here. You don’t need to keep up the act,” it was clear that Betsie had seen right through my act, but here was no way I was admitting it.

“Michelle?” I continued my charade hoping she would leave.

“Don’t play dumb bitch, I know your eyes! Don’t forget I’m the one who would do all of your eye makeup when you were apart of Pixie,” she shot back while I remained silent staring her down. Maybe if I don’t talk, she would leave?

“Oh fuck this,” it was in the moment that Betsie jumped towards me and placed her hand on my fake dick.

“Is that a sausage,” I pushed her off of my before he could continue messing with it.

“Well yeah, I’m a guy so I have a dick,” I replied trying to keep it nonchalant. Spoiler, I was failing. I wasn’t ready for someone to lunge at me and grab it.

“Jesus fucking Christ Michelle, I know it’s not real because it’s currently sliding down your leg,” she shouted back. For the first time all night I was glad that the music was loud.

It was there in the bathroom that I admitted my defeat and pulled my pants down to fix my sausage that was currently sitting at my knee.

“Didn’t know you were so religious,” was the only comment I could muster as I fixed myself. There was something wrong with adjust my sausage in front of Betsie, and by something I meant everything.

“Cut the crap, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m dressing as a guy to join a band. After I ‘left’ Pixie six months back I’ve been apart of 5 bands. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being treated different than any other male bassist ....People don’t take female musicians seriously, you know that. I just don’t understand why they treat me differently. I’m just a musician no different than them.......this was actually Walter’s idea,” by now the two of us were sitting on the countertop talking.

“He seriously recommended you to do this?”

“Why? You don’t think he would recommend it?” I quickly shot back earning a giggle from Betsie.

“I would pray he wouldn’t. He the most sane out of the three of you,” without thinking I let out a quiet snort.

“I like to think I’m pretty sane,” I teased back causing laughter to fill the bathroom.

“What?” I quickly questioned only earning more laughter from Betsie.

“You? Sane? You have a sausage taped to your fucking thigh! Sane people don’t do that,” she gestured towards the sausage.

“He meant it as a joke, but it actually worked. It was the easiest band audition I’ve ever had. We didn’t play music until like two to three hours into it. It’s different you know. Being a boy musician versus being a girl. I feel like I’m actually apart of the band, not just the token girl. They weren’t dicks when I started playing, and we just had fun!” I sent Betsie a warm smile to only receive a frown.

“You know this is wrong..right? This won’t work! I get you’re able to hide your boobs and shit, but they will find out one day. This is going to blow up in your face, and you won’t recover from it. Enjoy it while it lasts, but one day you’re going to slip up. Everything you’ve worked for will disappear, and you will forever be known as the girl who dressed as a guy to get in a band. Guys will hate you because you pretended to be one of them...they’ll probably think it’s weird as fuck. The girls though..we will never forgive you. You’re betraying all of us. You’re sending the message that a girl can’t make it unless she is a guy,” I immediately cut her off.

“I’m showing the guys that I’m just as good, maybe even better than them. I can play the drums, guitar, and bass, but you don’t see ANYONE coming and knocking on my door asking me to join their band. You wanna preach how I’m betraying girls everywhere? You wanna bring up how I’m not ‘loyal’ to the other female musicians on the strip? Take a moment to look in the damn mirror, and think about what you and Pixie did to me when I was forced to leave the group,” before I could continue, it was her turn to interrupt me.

“We didn’t force you...”

“Oh really? Don’t get on that bull shit! You kicked me out and then spread shit about me. Do you know what it’s like when you show up to an audition and everyone thinks you’re a whore? Do you know how differently guys treat you? Pixie destroyed my reputation with the bullshit lies y’all spread. Don’t you dare give me crap about how I’m betraying the girls of the strip. Y’all betrayed me a long time ago,” I shot back. Silence filled the bathroom as neither one of us was going to break eye contact.

“You can’t just throw us all in a group and blame me for what was said about you too!” Before she could continue, I interrupted her again absolutely don’t with her bull shit.

“When you sat quietly and did nothing while they spread those rumors about me, that’s when we stopped being friends. Actions speak louder than words. Your action of doing nothing spoke volumes,” I shot back.

“They would have kicked me out of Pixie, Michelle.”

“Oh shit! They would have kicked you out of the band? Pixie has never done that before! That sounds terrible...so sorry to hear,” I sarcastically replied. I wasn’t bitter, I was pissed.

“I don’t give a damn what you think of me. All I want to do is to play my bass. I want to do what I fucking love, no matter the cost,” I added breaking the silence.

Betsie nodded her head before she headed towards the door. It must have been clear to her that there was no way she could talk any sense into me that would result in me changing my mind. Before she left, she turned to me and asked, “What are you going to do if you actually make it big? You know you can’t keep this charade up forever.”

I didn’t answer. Not out of stubbornness, but because I didn’t have an answer. The truth was that I had no fucking idea.

“Just promise me you won’t forget who Michelle is,” with that final statement she left me alone in the bathroom as I pondered what the fuck just happened.

After carefully splashing some water on my face and trying to calm myself down, I was left with one question. Could I trust Betsie with my secret? As I stared myself down in the mirror, still not used to my own reflection, the answer was yes. Not because I trusted her or knew she would never betray me or some shit like that. The answer was yes because that was the only answer. I had to keep the charade going. I had to keep being Duff.

————————-

I stood in my uncle’s coffee shop sporting a brown wig as I took orders from the next customer.

The wig was rather annoying and created several problems for me during my work shift. The first was that you could tell it was a wig by the fake hairline, so I had to wear a hat at all times. The second propblem was that it was hot as hell under that wig and my head was sweating like no tomorrow. The third was that I could only pull it back in a low lose pony which sadly was the hairstyle I spotted throughout middle school. Also known as the highly debatable worst years of my life, but who know that might soon change. It all depends on if Betsie opens her big fat mouth about me dressing up as Duff.

“Did you do something to your hair Mic? It looks different?” I perked up at my Uncle’s words.

“Just dyed it. I was tired of the old color and Macy offered to do it for free,” in my defense it wasn’t a complete lie, so he shrugged it off and went back to his office to work.

“What did you really do to your hair?” My coworker Derek quizzed once my uncle left.

“Dyed it a color he wouldn’t approve of,” I answered the questions just like I practiced with Macy maybe it wouldn’t be too hard.

“Ohh how very punk rocker of you. The wig looks realistic thought, where’d you get it?”

“Stripper friend of Macy. How’d you know it was fake?”

“I saw you take you hat off to scratch you head. The hairline is a dead giveaway. Don’t worry your secret is safe with me,” he whispered before heading to the back room to do inventory.

I peeked up at the sound of the door creeping open. Great, just what I needed. I watched as Axl and Izzy cautiously walked into the small coffee shop.

I was thrown for a loop as I watched them get in line behind an older woman who was a frequent customer who seemed to be holding her purse a little bit tighter than she was moments ago.

“Be careful of those two boys behind me. I think they’re up to no good,” I smiled at the older woman and promised that I would make sure everything was going to be okay. I looked around the room and like clockwork my uncle offered to make her order. There was no doubt in my mind that he had a crush on her

“Can I help the next customer please?” I put on a fake smile as Axl and Izzy stepped forward.

“Is this a joke?” I crossed my arms as the pair stood in front of me.

“What I’m not aloud coffee?” Axl protested as he seemed determined to keep up the charade.

“Only paying customers are aloud it,” I turned to Izzy before continuing, “What are you here for?”

“Did you dye your hair? It looks different,” I took a deep breath as I nodded my head. There was no way Izzy knew I was wearing a wig.

“Yeah, Macy offered to dye it, so I thought why not. I could use the change. Now cut the small talk, why are you here?”

“We’re looking for Duff, thought you might know where to find him,” Axl admitted after a couple seconds of silence. It was weird seeing him cooperative.

“Yeah, I know where to find him. I live with him. What’s up? You kicking out of the band or some shit?”

“No, he’s one of the best bassists we have had in our band. We have a gig coming up and we wanted to tell him our new practice schedule,” Axl continued before he handed me a piece of paper. I bit my tongue hard at his comment. Interesting on how yesterday he said Michelle was only mediocre.

“Does he have a job?” Izzy’s words pulled my attention from Axl. I didn’t know why, but he was staring me down. I didn’t like it, not one but.

“Yeah, works for Walter’s father. Walter was nice enough to get him a job so he could feed himself,” I was rather proud of how casually I was able to respond with another rehearsed lie.

Izzy remained speechless, but nodded his head. By the way he was staring my down I thought he was trying to look into my soul or some shit like that. Long story short, I felt uncomfortable.

“Will he be able to make these practice times?” Axl asked breaking the awkward tension between Izzy and me.

“From what I’ve heard, he will be working mornings, but I don’t know if that is his entire schedule,” I shrugged back. I was relieved to see that the practices were all in the afternoon which worked perfectly with my work schedule.

“Practice starts tomorrow, so just have him stop by. He knows the address,” Axl and Izzy began to walked towards the door, but before they left Izzy stopped.

My heart sank as he turned around and walked back towards the counter. Luckily I was just cleaning and there wasn’t another customer.

“Do you have a pen and paper?” I raised a brow at his question.

“Yeah,” I calmly replied curious to see what he was up to.

“Don’t worry, it’s just our number so Duff can call us if he can’t make the rehearsal,” Izzy said as he seem to write a lot more than a phone number on the paper.

“See ya,” Izzy said before hurrying to join Axl who was still receiving several glares from customers.

Once they left, I opened the note which caused my heart to sink.

Duff,

Below is our number if you can’t make it to practice.

*insert number here*

- Iz

Also, blonde was a good choice Michelle, brings out the color in your eyes.

Fuck. He knew.

[surrealsunday]

Hi Jaime, its the bookstore anon that disappeared into thin air! Long time no speak! I’m sorry it took me so long to write this but we went back into lockdown and I’ve been meaning to write to you for a tiny update (we went into lockdown before she even finished the first chapter) but I really struggled with just being online, so I didn’t want to bother you unless I could give you full details. Like I said we went into lockdown and I couldn’t see Faye for what felt like a lifetime. BUT Life was on my side for once because I was able to see her and she dragged me to her house so we could sit outside and talk about Mood Tattoo. She was so excited to talk to me about it. *gets ready to copy paste everything from notes app so sorry if it makes zero sense😩* She read it twice because it took so long to see her. She was able to print it halfway through though so she’s very happy about that because she once again made sure to put notes everywhere and highlight stuff she liked. She said she was pleasantly surprised that it was from Eliotts pov and that at first it threw her off because she got so used of Lucas being an idiot😂 but she said, she really enjoyed the different side of story and to learn about Eliott more and his way of feeling/thinking. She really liked that you put Manon and Idriss together again 😂 and she was very happy that she didn’t have to put up with Charles. She also said “i had a feeling I was going to hte Lucas’ father but my gosh I wish I could smack that bastard” and oh my god she got HEATED because of Moreau, holy crap I thought the neighbors would come out to tell her to shut up. “Oh that fucking old geezer what a waste of space! No wonder him and Lucas’ dad are friends! A moron always befriends a moron!!” It was as funny as concerning because i hd to remind her it was fiction but JAIME I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS WOMAN TO LOOK AT ME AND SAY “well, my love for Lucas is not fiction so i am MAD” she got up, walked inside and came out with a tea and then went “but my god, did I enjoy Eliott! And the way she wrote him! I love him even more now!” 😂😂 she also said she cried when she learned about Lucas’ mom and him reading to the kids, said that Marty thought something terrible happened 😩 (i dont know how this app is still letting me type so out of safety, ill send part 2)

Part 2, i really hope this goes through! So she told me to specifically tell you, that she really enjoy this so much and most importantly that it made this second lockdown way easier to deal with and that she talked about it to Marty like crazy! She really loved the different side of Lucas and how she got to learn more about him through Eliott and with Eliott. She said she enjoyed watching Eliott fall in love and how amazing it made her feel. And now the important part of the notes app “OH MY SWEETS!!! LET ME NOT FORGET! HOW DID YOU LET ME RAMBLE FOR SO LONG BEFORE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART! THE TATTOOS! THE TATTOOS!!!!!!!! SWEET BABY JESUS! I really liked those! (she started laughing really hard and then went) i REALLY liked the tattoos! How did she do that?” And i explained that with a lot of hard work on photoshop and she went “god bless her soul for that!” 😂 she did mention to me to tell you that the ending made her cry as well. And that when she realized they traveled to Japan she had to take a minute because she started crying 🥺 and she said “AND THE PROPOSAL!! I SCREAMED LIKE CRAZY! I BAWLED MY EYES OUT AND COULDNT SEE WHAT I WAS READING SO I HAD TO READ IT AGAIN AND I KEPT CRYING MORE!” She once again told me at the end to tell you “that i really enjoyed myself reading these! It made me feel so happy and carefree during this horrible time we afe having right now. It made me smile and it made me laugh so hard my belly hurt at some points and the tears I cried when I finished it were absolutely crazy. I hope i read something from her again! Tell her I will wait for the day she decides to write again and I already know I’ll love it just as much.” Oh and btw the best part was when we were talking about something else and halfway through she gets this look of horror and goes “see! I completely blocked it out memory! But that punk Jeremy! With his weird threesomes! Every time he came on in the story i went fucking hell jeremy! I hate that kid.” 😂 so yeah, this is all😂 I’m sorry it took long, in my defense we only saw eachother like 2-3 weeks ago? 🥺 i really hope you get all this, i guess tumblt updated the app with character limit 

Bookstore anon!!! I’m sorry for taking a while to get back to you. I didn’t check messages this week because I was stressed. But this was the absolute BEST message to come back to! 

I am 🥺🥺🥺 over you getting together with Faye to talk Mood Tattoo omg. The way I wish I could be there with you both!!! But this is absolutely the next best thing and I ADORE YOU for taking notes and giving me all the details. And she hated Moreau so much because of how much she loves Lucas! How very valid! I love her!!! And she loved the tattoos?!!! YAYYYY!!! hahahahaah. I’m so glad she did. I (obviously) really loved including that detail too! All her thoughts and comments are just ahhhhh so perfect and just what I would want from a reader. I love it. 

I really can’t tell you the joy hearing all of this brings me. Like if you guys think the stories give you a happy spot in the midst of so much real-world shit, these messages are x100 that for me. I’m emotional just reading this. You and Faye are my favourites. I love you both and I love her comments so much omg adfjaskdf. So thank you thank you thank you. It’s been a weird and super stressful week and now I am just grinning from ear to ear. Please give Faye all my love, and take care of yourself during lockdown. I send you all the love and hugs. 

(And bless tumblr for not fucking it up and actually delivering these messages in their entirety!) 

💖💖💖💖