#the four horsepeople of destruction

[sentientsky]

i might be a hardcore environmentalist,,,but got DAMN

[quoththemaiden]

Aziraphale: The Sword that Guards the Tree of Life

Looking where the furniture isn't

This post is dedicated to @meatballlady's excellent insistence that if we want to try to predict where season 3 will go, we need to look at where the furniture isn't. That is, what must have been there but wasn't shown?

For this one, my source material is going to be Genesis. That is, in no small part, because it does in fact fuck severely that Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett took the angel with the flaming sword and the serpent of Eden and made them kiss (@joycrispy, @ouidamforeman). It's also because Genesis, quite simply, exists, and it seems safe to assume that most everyone in Gaiman and Pratchett's intended audience has been exposed to at least its first few chapters dozens of times.

What does Genesis tell us about Aziraphale's purpose?

3:22 Then the Lord God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of Us, knowing good and evil; and now, he might reach out with his hand, and take fruit also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”—  23 therefore the Lord God sent him out of the Garden of Eden, to cultivate the ground from which he was taken.  24 So He drove the man out; and at the east of the Garden of Eden He stationed the cherubim and the flaming sword which turned every direction to guard the way to the tree of life.

@joycrispy's analysis above highlights Aziraphale's role as given in the last verse: as the angel chosen to wield the flaming sword, he was sent down after Adam and Eve were expelled to prevent them from returning. Instead, he chose to protect them by giving that sword away. His desire to protect humanity is indeed beautiful (@give-soup-please, @snek-eyes).

But wait, what came right before that? "And take fruit also from the tree of life...?"

2:9 Out of the ground the Lord God caused every tree to grow that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

That's right: What we see in the show is that Adam and Eve were sent out of Eden so that they'd have to deal with the rain and the animals and have to work for their food, but that was never the primary motivation. God planted two special trees, and after Eve and Adam ate from one of them, God was terrified at the prospect of them turning around and eating from the other. And thus, the Garden of Eden was made off-limits and set to be permanently guarded by an angel with a flaming sword.

So, the flaming sword.

Twice now, Aziraphale's sword has helped humanity survive complete and total destruction (@nottobehornyonthemain). The first time, he handed the sword to the first two humans, which protected not just them but the entirety of the human race via Adam and very pregnant Eve.

The second time, he let it be wielded by The Them, who used it to best the Four Horsepeople of the Apocalypse and save the billions of humans already alive as well as unborn generations.

Perhaps the flaming sword was only intended as a plot point in the first season. However, if its purpose were completed, it could have easily been destroyed. As a narrative piece, it could have broken dramatically at the end of the face-off against the Four Horsepeople. Or, Watsonianly, God could have chosen to break it Herself; after all, it was already used against its intended purpose twice, so why let it keep existing?

Instead, it's carefully taken away to... where? Heaven?

The place Aziraphale is now going?

Or at least a place where he could likely find a record showing where it's being stored?

Whether you call it "rule of threes" or "Chekhov's gun," I think it likely that Aziraphale will be getting his sword back in season 3. He probably doesn't want it (@createserenity, @ineffableigh, @doctorscienceknowsfandom), but he'll need it.

The question, then, is what would Aziraphale do with the flaming sword he was given to prevent humans from reaching the tree of life?

If we're looking at where the furniture isn't, the biggest stretch of an interpretation would be to say that the missing furniture is the tree of life. If anyone knows where Eden is, it would be Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate. We know that both Heaven and Hell want to end humanity. The opening credits have humanity walking to their judgment after their deaths; what better way to prevent that than by preventing those deaths?

The most intense version of this theory says that the audience should be familiar with the story of the Garden of Eden and know damn well that there are two special trees there and that Aziraphale was put in place to guard the second one — the one humanity hasn't eaten from yet, the one that grants immortal life. That's where, if I were truly trying to swing for the hills by aiming at where the furniture isn't, I would ideally like to end this post. If that were the case, season 3 could even open with Aziraphale walking towards the Garden of Eden, sword in hand, but this time approaching it from the outside with the intention of tearing the wall down.

But, let's be honest, making individual people immortal doesn't feel like it would fit with the themes of Good Omens, nor with Neil Gaiman or Terry Pratchett's world views.

So, let's take the tree of life symbolically: Instead of the tree of life granting individual humans immortality, it could instead represent giving humanity immortality. In that case, the thing that's where the furniture isn't is Aziraphale's sword. You know, the sword that's already saved the human race from extinction twice now, with both times being because Aziraphale gave it away.

I suspect that the sword will wind up in Aziraphale's hands again in season 3. I also quite suspect that it won't be staying there. In the end, I expect it will once again be up to humanity to reach out their hand to take the apple from that second tree.

[ngkiscool]

This time, all the fics happens after the apocalypse that wasn’t.

As always, all the fics are focusing on supporting characters, rated G or T and are SFW. The description includes rating, word count, main characters and main CW.  

In the next week the focus will be about stories with happy endings, please send recs for stories that focus on supporting characters (as in, Aziraphale and Crowley are not the main ones). Self recs are encouraged!

After the Longest Day of His Life by MickyRC - 479 words, G, focusing on Lesly the International Express Man and Maud. cw - Temporary character death.  Summary: Sometimes love is loud, and dramatic, and fiery. Sometimes it’s so worn in you could walk through it barefoot in absolute comfort. or: After delivering the most exhausting packages of his life, Lesley comes home.

Nature by Lady_of_the_Spirit - 853 words, G, focusing on The Them and The Horsepeople of the Apocalypse. Summary: "What I don't understand," Adam began, "is why you have to do the things you do." He bit into the scoop of strawberry ice cream perfectly placed on top of his cone and surveyed the scene in the garden before him. He was perched on top of the picnic table that had never seen a picnic before, but possibly would someday in the future. Summer was coming, after all, and summer picnics were certainly necessary for proper rehabilitation.

The Final Link by @anonymousdandelion -  focusing on Anathema Device and Newton Pulsifer. Summary: And ye, mine Childe Virtue and her Manne, shalle take and rede this Book, and teach of it to thy owne Children, and they in turne to theyrs. And the Chaine sharl continue Unbroken by alle mine Descendents, Parent to Childe to Grand Childe and so on and so forthe; unto the veriest coming of the Ende, so mine line shalle continue. But Anathema, Greatest of mine Grand Children, when thee time cometh ye shal be the final linke in the Chaine. Anathema has always known she was the end of the line; the final chapter of the story; the last leaf on the family tree. Except, maybe she isn't.

When The Sea Boils, The Kraken Will Rise (Against Its Inner Demons) by OtterFi - 435 words, G, focusing on the Kraken and Various Sea Monster. Summary: After the World Didn't End, Adam set the world right again. But he didn't undo it all. The World might be calling the Kraken events a mass hallucination, but some beings are still upset by the missing trade delegation.

When War Rode Alone by Darke_Eco_Freak - 1.6K, G, focusing on The Them and War. Summary: The Anti-Christ speaks and the Universe listens. Chaos is Order is Natural, but War is nature too, Human Nature, and she doesn't forget.

Old Habits by @ngkiscool (me!) - 500 words, G, focusing on Warlock. Summary: “Why on earth was there a knife on the door? It almost hit me!" “A silver knife ought to be on every sleeping room's lintel, everybody knows that!" Or: Warlock goes to university, and learns that not everyone grew up the same way he did.

Ghost in the Machine by @not-a-space-alien​ - 2.4K, G, focusing on The Them. Summary: The Them hunt some ghosts.

Some Complications by Aaymeirah - 4.5K, T, focusing on Beelzebub, Gabriel. Dagon, Michael, Hastur, Sandalphon, Uriel, Metatron, Lucifer, Aziraphale and Crowley. Summary: Beelzebub stalked towards the four angels waiting on the other side of the airstrip, flanked by Dagon and Hastur. “This better be good,” they hissed, crossing their arms. “Angels,” Dagon cursed at their approach. “Demons,” retorted Uriel. “We need to set aside our differences for a moment. There are bigger things to focus on,” said Michael, moderator for this meeting. “Like what?” sneered Hastur. “The Apocalypse, or the lack thereof you idiot,” responded Gabriel. “Be civil.” Micheal gave Gabriel a warning glance.“Fine, I’ll get to the point. It seems that the Final Battle and the subsequent destruction of Earth might not exactly be what God wants.”

All Bets Are Off by AnnaTheHank - 3.6K, T, focusing on Ligur and Michael. Summary: Ligur and Michael had a habit of making bets, even before the fall. Not much has changed. A.k.a Five times Michael won a bet against Ligur and the one time she didn't.

So glad you could make it by FancyTrinkets - 666 words, T, focusing on Hastur, Ligur and Dagon. Summary: When Ligur reappears, solid again and somehow undestroyed, his mouth is open wide and he's screaming out in rage and terror. He's also stuck behind a massive set of filing cabinets.

Authors - if you wish that your Tumblr account will be tagged, instead of the AO3, please comment or DM me the handle. Thanks :)

Bonus - master list with all past recommendations!    

Thanks for reading, and remember - sharing is caring!

[lady-of-the-spirit]

Accidental Antichrist Acquisition headcanons

some headcanons for my Four Horsepeople raising Adam AU (because I’ve got a lot of ideas for this AU but haven’t written any yet so maybe writing most of them down will help me figure out what I want to do)

Famine cannot be the one who feeds Adam, and he cannot be anywhere around Adam while he’s being fed.

Pollution cannot be the one giving Adam a bath.

Pestilence cannot be used as a backup babysitter until they get Adam his vaccines

It’s not like they WANT to but they really don’t know how his Antichrist powers protect him from sickness and they can’t take the risk and make  their lord and master weak, sorry, Pestilence

Death is the usual caretaker because it’s not like they’ve got a real job

War and Famine will bring Adam with them to their jobs, though

Famine leading a business meeting while Adam is in a sling on his chest is a very good thought

The way they all carry Adam is very different

Death holds him in their arms, because a) the Grim Reaper holding a baby in their arms is a very cool aesthetic, and b) they really don’t want to bother learning how the baby carriers work, they really just like holding Adam

Famine has THE fanciest baby stroller in the world. No arguments. 

War has a preference for the backpack-style carriers because she thinks it’s safer to have Adam behind her than in front of her

Pollution has a shit-ton of those baby slings that they throw out after using more than two times. 

They all lose their hearts to Adam within two weeks at most.

Death was attached the moment Adam held their finger for the first time.

For the others, it’s a more gradual process (they’ve gotta focus on the Goal here, people!) but they start loving him very quickly... because they’re all a little soft

Adam: [does something cute] 

War: So cute...    In an evil sort of way!

Adam grabs Pollution’s hand and they’re like “Why are people so impressed with a baby’s grip, anyway? It’s not like you do anything useful with it!” 

Adam gets a little older and likes people’s hair so much he starts grabbing and pulling on it whenever he gets close enough

War would find this hilarious if she hadn’t been one of his earliest victims. 

Famine: It’s a sign he’s on the right path!

War: IT’S A SIGN YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP 

At some point Pollution is like, “Hey... is Adam allowed to know what he is? Or what we are? Is that in the rules?” and nobody really knows the answer

They just figure that they’ll be open about who they are but won’t really tell Adam what he is? They’re honestly just making this up as they go along 

Adam takes his first steps and they’re ALL there, Famine skipped out on a meeting because he knew it would happen soon, Pollution is filming it on their phone, Death is crying a little, War is the one Adam walked to and she’s really trying not to cry 

Adam says his first word and everyone FLIPS OUT because today it’s one word but someday he’s going to be ordering the destruction of humanity and WOW time goes by so fast, he’s growing up so fast 

When he gets older, War isn’t allowed to bring Adam to the park because one time she nearly got into a fight with the mom of a kid who pushed Adam over and they had to stop going to that park.

When the ban ends, War brings him to the park and honestly, all the kids love her, she gets really into their games and is always eager to be the monster they have to defeat, and she will teach the kids how to stab someone 

Whenever Famine brings Adam to the park, single parents try to hit on him 

Honestly he’s a little torn because on one hand he could easily start persuading these parents to cut gluten and other stuff out of their family’s diets but on the other hand, he sees Adam playing with the other kids and he’s not sure he wants to subject kids who are Adam’s age to the shit he tries to sell their parents (he compromises and makes it clear to the parents that this “healthy lifestyle” is not for kids)

Frannie: Is good with kids, Adam starts calling her “Aunt Frannie”

Famine: :O

For real though, Frannie is Adam’s Aunt Frannie and he loves her a whole lot 

(Frannie’s mainly the one who was giving Famine and the horsepeople advice for raising kids so they would not phenomenally mess up) 

Raising Adam actually softens them up a whole lot?? Like they’re not gonna stop causing chaos and fulfilling their life’s missions but they’re a little more emotionally compromised now because they’re thinking “could this affect Adam somehow?? Or what about other kids like Adam??” so they make little compromises to fulfil their life’s missions but also fall in line with these stupid morals they’ve developed through the wonders of Parenthood 

(except for Death because you know, they know they’re part of existence and can’t stop what they’re doing) (but honestly, they’re a little glad to see the others are evolving this way)

They figure out it’s actually the law that Adam goes to school and none of them are competent enough to homeschool him so off to school he goes, where he meets some friends :)

Pepper is awesome, and so is Wensleydale and Brian, and there’s another kid in his class named Adam, wow!! So cool! 

Adam remains Adam, through his subconscious Antichrist powers telling everyone There Can Only Be One, so the second Adam (Adam Young) starts going by his middle name.

War and Famine both become part of the PTA, Famine because he wants to be and War because she’s heard about PTA Moms and wants to start some fights

The other parents all HATE the Horsepeople (except for a handful who think they’re weird but alright, like the Them’s parents) but all the kids think they’re the absolute coolest and want them chaperoning every field trip 

The Them remain pretty much the same, although with a fifth person and a slightly less “normal” Adam in charge there’s a slight change

(this is when some of my headcanons about the Horsepeople becoming weird Aunt/Uncle figures to the Them come in)

The horsepeople actually like the Them a whole lot. No attempts to hide their true roles are made, but the Them are cool with it and it’s not like any of the grownups believe them when they talk about it

The Them: Hey what’s up with your dad, the one in the cloak?

Adam: Oh, Azrael? They’re the angel of death :)

The Them: Oh wicked

Adam becomes aware of his Antichrist backstory at some point, and the older he gets the warier he is about it, because destroying the Earth is what he’s meant for but. Earth is his home. And his friends live here. And what happens to his parents if he destroys humanity? 

The Horsepeople are a little more solemn about it as the years go by, but they think it’s what has to happen so they just tell Adam that’s how it has to go and to not worry about them, they’ll be fine. 

[whatawriterwields]

Not the Only Ones

The call came first to an office worker. She was hunched, itchy-eyed, over a wide, white desk, tapping out numbers onto a clear, shimmering screen - some mind-numbing report about miracle outputs for the second quarter being below average. She’d been working for hours without a break, and her shoulders ached, complaining of how long it had been since she’d released her wings, and all she wanted in the universe was the chance to go home and take a nap. 

The call came and she groaned, turning her attention to the rippling white tablet at the corner of her desk - great, another task, that would put her five minutes farther from finishing this report. She’d been getting more calls than usual, these days. Heaven was busier than it usually was. The bosses didn’t tell the lowly office angels what the celestial armies were up to, but word did tend to spread, and the word lately had been that they were gearing up for something big.

“This is Heaven, Miracle Records Department 63D,” she said, putting on her most polite voice, trying not to convey her exhaustion. “How may I help you?” 

The voice on the other end was low and hoarse. The kind of voice you might expect some insidious reptile to possess. Its owner did not introduce himself. “It’s me.” 

Read on Ao3

The angel froze. “What -”

“I’ve just heard word from Lord Beelzebub.” The voice, which was already little more than a croak, went hushed and pitched with excitement. “They told us - this is insane, but - they said the War is over!” 

She gaped down at the tablet. “What?”

“Big battle’s off. The Antichrist faced down Satan and sent him back to Hell. His friends killed the Four Horsepeople. And you remember that demon I was telling you about? Crowley?” 

“Yeah, I remember -”

“He and your bloke Aziraphale got Beelzebub and Gabriel to stand down.” 

She couldn’t believe it. This must be some kind of joke. “They got Gabriel to -”

“Look, I don’t know all the details, but here’s the point, all right?” The demon’s voice had grown louder, stronger, like he was beginning to process and believe the news all over again. “The point is the war’s off. They don’t want us fighting anymore. There’s going to be -” he choked off, as though he couldn’t say it, as though he was overwhelmed.

The angel dropped her tablet. It plummeted and shattered on the glassy floor. The sound was deafening in the humming silence of Heaven’s office space, and a dozen or more angels looked up, throwing her looks that ranged from quizzical to irritated. 

“What was that for?” said the angel seated next to her. 

She pushed her chair back slowly, straightening and planting her feet beneath her. Thirty or more eyes now followed her as she stood.

“It’s over,” she said. “The War is over.” 

The eyes - blue and brown and green, and every one bloodshot with overwork - widened as one.

“Peace,” she said, forcing out the word her best friend hadn’t managed to say, hadn’t managed to articulate. “It’s peacetime again.”

The angel next to her was on his feet faster than she could blink. “What are you talking about? Who told you? How did you -”

“I got a call from Hell.”

The other angel folded his arms. “Could be a trick, then. How are we supposed to trust -”

“I know him. The demon who called.” The words rolled off her tongue with no effort; it had been three thousand years since she’d met him, and she’d never once gained the courage to admit it aloud. Certainly not to a roomful of angels, a full half of whom were now paying rapt attention, who had turned away from their work. She stepped back and stared around, feeling her skin begin to tingle with numbness as it crashed over her, peacetime, peacetime, after six thousand years as it began to sink in.

And then she saw one angel turn back to his desk, and pick up his own tablet, and tap out three digits, one right after the other. She recognized the number. She’d dialed it many a time herself, in furtive moments away from her endless hours entering data into a machine.

Everyone watched him put the tablet to his ear. Everyone watched him gasp out “It’s me,” and then, a moment later, “they say the War’s off.”

Everyone heard the wild whoop that came from the other end, though they were separated from the source of it by a million light years and a feud as old as time itself. 

The room was plunged into chaos. Angels sprang from their desks, some reaching to make calls of their own, others simply disentangling themselves from their desks, even overturning their chairs for good measure - most sprinting toward the door on feet lighter than they’d felt them in centuries. They spilled out into the hallway, pushing and shoving each other, but there was no annoyance left - every workspace grudge forgiven in the blink of an eye, and they laughed at the tangle of limbs as they all struggled to be the first person out. They blocked a group of angels in uniform who had been striding down the hall.

“Is it true?” someone demanded of the little group. “Peace? Is it -”

“It’s true.” The soldier who answered was stiff, curt, but no one missed the suppressed smile in his voice. “Peace.”

Someone darted forward and yanked open the next door on the hall, shouting within at a seemingly endless row of workers bent over filing cabinets, sorting through stacks of yellowing records. “Hey! You lot! The war’s off!” 

Silence, disbelief. Another angel ran for the next door and shouted the same message to the next room, and then voices began to rise, confused questions, dumbstruck hope. It couldn’t be real, surely, not after so long, not so easily? Not off the courage of a couple of rogue agents and a handful of children - surely it was too good to be true.

But the news continued to spread with the electric speed reserved for news so long-anticipated it had settled into some collective neural network. News no one had ever dared voice a wish for, and yet, and yet…

“The War is over!”

“The War is over!” 

“It’s over!” 

Heaven was coming alive. 

__

In the darkest depths of Hell, among rank and lightless cubicles, a similar cry was rising. A sea of faces that had been sagging with boredom, seeming in the process of rotting off their skulls, had blinked back suddenly to attention when a bat had swooped down from the ceiling and cried fighting’s done, work’s done! They exchanged disbelieving glances first, but their disbelief was gotten over quicker than that of the angels - and in another moment someone had risen and grabbed the dirty typewriter he’d been working on and hurled it to the floor.

“Good riddance!” he called to the bat as it swooped away. 

“They aren’t serious,” said someone else. “It can’t be -”

“You heard the bat.” Another demon, a grin spreading over his face, rose as well. He was holding an enormous stack of carefully sorted files. He stared at them for a moment, then stared around, and then with a wild look he clicked the fingers of one hand and the whole stack burst into flames.

“Good riddance!”

The room was laughing now. It was ugly laughter, but there was no malice in it, not even as other delighted-looking workers began to overturn their desks and smash through their cubicles. No, if any angels had been around they might have been shocked by the feelings running through the space. And they might have been more shocked if they saw what some were beginning to do in the celebratory frenzy - because, decidedly undemonically, downright scandalously, they were starting to hug each other. 

“I don’t believe it.”

“Does this mean -”

“We don’t have to -”

“No more temptation records, no more filing -”

“No more keeping tabs -”

“My angel’s going to be so excited!” 

The demon who said it clapped a hand over her mouth a second after, but half a dozen other demons were already dialing up their own angels, and no one paid her any mind. Demons that had known angels before the Fall, and demons who had gotten to know angels over six thousand years of endless, endless gearing up for battle, friends and best friends and lovers began calling Upstairs with tears in their eyes.

“Have you heard?”

“They’ve let you off work up there, too?”

“Yes! Yes! We’re free!” 

Hell descended quickly into a gleeful destruction spree. Records from sixty centuries of mind-numbing office work came crashing down, up in flames and down to rubble. A group of three demons upended the old fax machine in the corner that was never working properly. Bodies streamed into the slightly better-lit hallways, leaving trails of debris in their wake, and when they were packed together something even stranger than hugging began to take place. Without music, without any conception of rhythm at all, and without the slightest hint of skill, they began to dance.

To dance, incredible as it may sound, with each other. Still reaching out their arms to fellow souls, unrestrained, for the first time in so long. Their eyes still afire with hope. It was real. Peacetime. 

___

Somewhere in the ether, a demon and an angel watched in silence.

“This wasn’t how I thought this would go, at all,” said Gabriel.

Beelzebub swallowed. “Yeah, I… didn’t think they were this miserable. I mean, demons are supposed to be miserable, but -”

“I know what you mean.” 

The two of them exchanged a glance, then stared back down at their dancing, laughing, rioting troops. They watched as the first demons began to appear in Heaven, in twos and threes, asking to see specific angels, and let through the hallways with no questions asked - and, even stranger, angels popping down into Hell, smiling sunny smiles, snickering at the posters on the walls that Beelzebub had worked so hard on.

“Well,” said Gabriel at last, “this is going to be an interesting week at the office.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

___

Somewhere on Earth, without any awareness of the goings-on in Heaven and Hell, without any awareness of anything beyond each other and the pleasure of being close, an angel and a demon lay curled up together on a couch. 

“I think we should open up a bottle of wine, a little later,” said Aziraphale. “Something really special. To celebrate.” 

“Couldn’t agree more.” Crowley grinned. “We deserve it.” 

Aziraphale smiled and kissed Crowley’s cheek, which was positioned delightfully close to his lips, almost an invitation. An offering. An implicit this is yours, another entry in the list of a thousand I love yous. Aziraphale was still getting used to that. 

“I think we did something good,” said Crowley. “I think - Aziraphale, I really think we might have saved everything.”

Aziraphale didn’t feel compelled to remind Crowley that last time he’d been accused of being good, he’d slammed him up against a wall. All water under the bridge. Instead he snuggled closer into Crowley’s warm arms. 

“I think so, too,” he said. 

“Mmm.”

“Crowley?”

Crowley turned his head to gaze down at Aziraphale. His smile was soft, fond. “Yeah?”

“Thank you. For staying.” 

“Oh, angel.” Crowley held him tighter. “It’s all been worth it.” He kissed the top of Aziraphale’s head, not knowing that somewhere high, high above them, at that moment, over a hundred angels and demons were reuniting with loved ones they thought they’d lost forever. Not knowing that far below, demons were tearing holes in the office ceiling to let in light from the world above. Not knowing anything except that this place, and this time, and this kiss felt somehow exactly right.

“It has, really,” said Aziraphale. “I think so too.” 

[vinatintasupernovita]

listen you live in earth for thousands of years you’re gonna get mad bored super fast even when you’re supernatural and the four horsepeople look like if given the option they’d fake their own deaths and change identities every 2 weeks, so you gotta admit they would try human things. Hell they got JOBS! Famine became a capitalist CEO and War a reporter.

but not just that. they’re basically just unhinged aziraphale and crowley with more destructive bones in their bodies. Like look me in the eye and tell me they haven’t been having the time of their immortal LIVES just trying out a bunch of random hobbies. pottery snowboarding sheep herding idk just a bunch of shit. They have time

Let the four horsepeople have like enriched lives ok it’s what they deserve