#the first time you have s*x tho. he’s falling apart. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

onlyswan · 2 months

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dreamboat | jjk (1)

summary: aboard the dreamboat, jungkook finds himself drawn to a beautiful stranger who appears to be drowning in melancholy. weeks later, he sees her face on the other side of the aquarium at his apartment building’s lobby. he soon learns that it’s not fate’s grand romantic plans that brought you back to his life. / (alt.) / a shipwreck and a dreamboat form an unusual bond in an aquarium.

non!idoljk x f!reader (jk is a business major who works at the amusement park ; oc works at the call center) / strangers to lovers / fluff, angst, suggestive / chapter wc: 14.9k / total fic wc: 30.8k

warnings/content (for full fic): is it an onlyswan fic if nobody cries? ; smoking ; making out ; mention of nude art ; mention of flashing ; panic attack ; a ghost cameo lol ; s*x scandal ; abuse of authority ; harrassment ; jk throws a punch once ; oc drives a motorbike without a helmet once ; vminjin + yeontan cameos :3 ; tae and jk are the same age tho

-> part two (wc: 15.9k) | spotify playlist (open to song recs <3)

note: my not so little summer project <3 i thought i wouldn’t have the opportunity to dedicate this much time to writing again in the near future so here we are! finishing this story alone felt fulfilling but even more so that i get to share it with you. pls treat it with gentle care 🫂 reblogs and feedback r very much appreciated i love talking to you guys🥺 special thanks to my lovely rio for proofreading and being the sweetest friend :") ilyily

࿐ for those who yearn <3

—

“wait! wait for me! don’t close it yet!”

jungkook’s whole life has led up to this moment.

from running away from his neighbor’s large snobby dogs during childhood— to participating in run for charity marathons mostly, only mostly, to appease his ex-girlfriend by being interested in her interests.

he successfully escaped from his uneventful class today by faking dizziness. half an hour later, he is racing towards one of the few places in this city where he feels something.

his best friend’s face is still blurry given the distance, but jungkook doesn’t need to clearly see taehyung’s face to know that he is looking at him unimpressed.

“why are you here? do you even have a ticket?!” taehyung interrogates him once he reaches the gate.

“do i have a ticket? really?” jungkook smirks, tossing his backpack to the ground.

he crosses over to the other side, and with ease, sneaks his hand in between the bars to push the lock into place.

“what do you think i work here for?”

taehyung sighs and mumbles to himself. “fine, my bad. thought we worked to pay for our bills.”

he picks up the backpack and swings it over his shoulder, heading to the control booth. on the other hand, jungkook climbs on the ship the amusement park owner lovingly named the dreamboat. he places his grip on one of the many vines curiously large butterflies are attached to, fully ignoring the existence of the steps. he hoists himself up onto the wooden floor with ease.

unhappy faces with blank stares.

he smiles at them cheerfully.

“i apologize for the hold-up. i’m your captain!”

“jungkook! sit!”

“wouldn’t he be the captain?” a high school boy at the very front quips, eyes pointing downwards at taehyung.

“eh, more like the wind behind our sails.” he ruffles the boy’s head in passing as he trudges over to his desired seat.

“what?”

his spot, a more suitable better term. the farthest row which most first timers do not dare to sit at; the part of the ship closest to the sky when it swings back and forth, higher and higher, until it feels like he’s going to fall off— but he doesn’t. for short bursts of moments, he’s flying.

the passengers are erupting in ear-splitting screams, curses, and laughter. the wide smile plastered on his face could probably be described as sadistic as he observes their reactions. most would find this ride as a nauseating, life-threatening ordeal and its name ridiculously ironic. however, to jungkook, this is what it means to be alive.

he imagined he would be alone here again today.

but as he is brought higher into the air, he discovers one person strapped to the last row of the other side of the ship.

the earth begins to move in slow motion.

they have their face buried in their palms, body shaking with what he can only guess is intense sobbing.

gone is the smile on his face.

jungkook has witnessed a few criers, sure, but not to this degree. a wave of sadness washes over him. he feels guilty and he doesn’t know why. why the hell would he be? he doesn’t even know who you are.

are you that scared? if you’re scared, why would you volunteer to go here alone? if not, then why is your heart breaking?

for a few seconds, the noises cease and his focus on you becomes amplified.

and why is his breaking too?

your sobs and gasps for air are once more drowned out by the fear and adrenaline of the majority. nevertheless, the ache they caused in his chest stays.

what could it be? the reason you’re crying like this at an amusement park? wouldn’t it be because you got stood up by your date?

lost in thought, he’s been unblinking. the wind blows as the speed of the boat picks up and he groans when dirt gets into his eye. he harshly rubs and rubs and he stops to check if it’s gone… he knows it’s gone because now he can see clearly— one of the most beautiful people he has laid his eyes upon.

the wind blows into your hair and it finally grants him a good view of your face. red, swollen eyes and mascara running. you wipe your tears away, distant eyes falling on your lap, and you take a sharp inhale. you’re a tragedy and so gorgeous still that the aching of his heart doubles due to its intensified pounding.

there’s no way… he debunks his theory. there’s no way a man could ever waste the opportunity of going on a date with you. only a fool.

slow motion comes to a full stop.

shit, shit, shit.

why can’t he look away?

you’ve made eye-contact and you’re not breaking it.

he nervously swallows the lump in his throat.

“huh?”

the ringing of the bell snaps him out of… whatever that experience was. he looks around and it is revealed to him that the ship has returned to its neutral position. passengers are already hopping off, including you.

wait, including you…

when did you get a cap?!

“fuck!” he curses, kicking his feet in annoyance.

he then proceeds to break the promise he swore to himself: never run after a girl again.

“yah, jungkook! where are you going?! you need to clock in!”

taehyung releases yet another sigh as he loses his best friend among the crowd. nearly at the same time, he hears a thud that originates from the control booth. he blankly stares at the backpack that mysteriously fell off the chair.

“does he have snacks in here at least?”

—

blue tube top and black baseball cap worn backwards. blue top and black cap. blue top and black cap. jungkook chants in his head like a maniac as he navigates the grounds, trying his best not to lose sight of your back. sweat has started to form as beads on his forehead. he squeezes one eye shut, wary of the sting, before wiping them away with the back of his hand.

he ran with all his might, but now that you’re almost within reach, he’s suddenly nervous.

“miss- miss! you dropped this!”

you turn around abruptly so his fingers end up only grazing your arm. the first thing he notices is your knitted eyebrows. he doesn’t know whether it mostly indicates annoyance or confusion.

you merely glance at the handkerchief on his open palm. “it’s not mine.”

you walk away from him and you are a magnet he is curiously drawn to.

he stands in front of you, sweaty and stuttering like a student introducing himself to a class for the very first time.

“but are you okay? i-i couldn’t help but to notice that you were cry- uh, uhm… you-you seem to have troubles.”

he clears his throat, turning his cheek for a second as to avoid melting under your intense gaze. he marvels at your beauty but he can’t pull himself together to admire it from a close distance.

“sorry, i don’t mean to pry. i’m just concerned.”

seconds pass and he doesn’t receive any sort of answer. no affirmative nod; not even a roll of the eyes. you stare at his face blankly as your feet become rooted into the ground. strands of your hair dance with gusts of the wind. it could be a haunting sight. your glossy eyes are reminiscent of deep, turbulent waters. there was a twinge of doubt on the accuracy of his words before, however, it now seems to ring true.

could it really be because of a boy?

a bicycle enters his line of vision.

a little too close not to cause an accident.

“move!” he yells out the warning, but he still takes matters into his own hands by pushing you over to the side and using his own body as a shield.

the bicycle speeds past and the rider screams something unintelligible.

jungkook’s nostrils flare. “kid, that’s not allowed in here! where did you come from?!”

the security guard running after the rule-breaker moves past him, but not before hitting his back with the baton.

“jungkook! why didn’t you stop him?!”

“yah! what was that for?!”

he scoffs, glaring towards the direction of the intruder and his co-staff, who has an entirely different job from him. why didn’t he stop him?!

while he was distracted by the commotion, he was also unaware that you managed to swipe the handkerchief loosely hanging from his grip around your arm.

his angry expression softens.

you wipe away your tears that are freely flowing against your will. earlier, you were sobbing. right now, your face is devoid of any expression. he can’t decide which is more heartbreaking.

“are you okay?” he carries on to ask again despite the both of you knowing the answer, but he just doesn’t know what else to do.

“i’m okay,” you say. “thanks for finding my handkerchief… and for saving me from the- the, yeah…”

you’re about to walk out of his life until his mouth blurts out- “wait! take this!”

he wishes the ground would swallow him whole. you blink at the small packet of sour gummies on his open palm and he wishes the ground would swallow him whole.

even he thinks this is ridiculous. he had a handkerchief in the left pocket of his jacket and now it’s yours. he had gummy worms in the right and for some reason he also wants you to have it.

“why?”

he has the same question.

“just because…”

no, that won’t do it.

“maybe it could make you feel better.”

oh my god.

“if you decide to ride the spinning top… it helps when you’re nauseated.”

still with the unreadable expression, you probe no further and accept his edible remedy.

“thank you.” you politely bow before taking your leave.

he doesn’t run after you this time. after all, his pockets are empty.

meeting you— this is probably the first and last time.

he exhales through his mouth. disappointed. he turns around and tries to look for you again.

blue top and black cap…

there you are.

leaving-

wait.

the spark of hope quickly fizzles out. you pull your hand out of your pocket, tossing something into one of the trash bins. he’s too far away to identify the item, but it couldn’t be… right?

he huffs in sheer disbelief.

“huh, she’s pretty and rude.”

—

if he’s being honest, jungkook doesn’t like this job much. graphic design is there, and it’s been a pretty sweet gig especially when he’s desperate for extra cash. anyway, taehyung got this job first, which took away time from their regular hangouts, so he would often visit his best friend during his free periods at the university. long story short, one of the managers scolded them both for playing around throughout taehyung’s shift, and as a punishment, she employed jungkook.

she is the reason why he is spending his sunday morning putting on strangers’ seatbelts and lap bars so they won’t fall off the rollercoaster and die. he was trained to double-check everything, but he is a bit more paranoid about lawsuits than the management, so despite the extra waiting time some passengers aren’t happy about, he makes that triple.

as fast as he can, while maintaining meticulousness, he does his final round of checking. so far, everyone is safely strapped to their seats. until he reaches the last row and finds the only person there with their lap bar unlocked. how did he miss that?

“ma’am, your lap bar isn’t secured. do you mind if i-”

the woman shakes her head without a word. as he gets to work, his eyes can’t help but to stray. most of her face is hidden by a face mask and sunglasses. it’s kind of funny because it’s actually been a gloomy day.

“ah, there you go. safe and sound!”

“thanks,”

he flashes her a bright smile. the last and apparently most important employee rule.

“you’re welcome!”

—

“why aren’t you eating?” taehyung asks with a mouthful of corndog.

jungkook lifts his head up from the table, sends him a glare, then drops it again. he didn’t get much sleep last night studying for their upcoming tests. he’d much rather spend his whole lunch break with his eyes closed. he’d go as far as saying that moving his jaw to chew food sounds like exerting too much energy and he couldn’t be bothered.

“change shifts with me. i fucking hate sundays.”

“depends…” taehyung pretends to be in deep thought. “will you buy me a meal everyday until our shifts rotate again?”

“do you want to die?”

“no, but it looks like you will before me.”

jungkook yawns, sleepy tears flowing down his temple. “you might be right…”

“were you up all night thinking of that girl?”

“huh? no.”

“you’re lying.”

“shut up,” he groans, adjusting himself into a more comfortable position.

so a beautiful stranger has been plaguing his mind. big deal! happens to the best of us.

taehyung cackles at his demise, thoroughly amused. “why? didn’t she throw away your gift?”

“it wasn’t a gift.” he argues. “and i know, she’s exactly my type.”

“bro, you’re fucking hopeless.”

“i know that too,” he calmly replies. “i kind of miss her.”

“at least it’s not your ex anymore, i guess.” taehyung mutters before obnoxiously sipping on his strawberry lemonade. “want to sneak into the security camera room? i’m curious. i want to see her.”

“can’t you just let me sleep?!”

“wow, you’re so grumpy today.”

took him long enough to deduce.

“then should we go after your nap?”

“i need to work!” jungkook snaps. he straightens his back, rubbing his face in frustration. “go- go do whatever you want!”

taehyung’s chewing slows down, appearing almost scared at his best friend’s outburst, but everything is a game with the two of them. “but i don’t know what she looks like.”

jungkook sighs, squeezing his eyes shut.

“okay, fine!”

in a state of exaggerated panic, taehyung gathers his things in one clean sweep, cradling them in his arms.

“i’m leaving!” he dashes out of the break room as if he’s running for his life.

jungkook huffs out a laugh at the comedic scene. as soon as his smile drops, so does his head.

—

it’s past midnight, which means it’s already friday. jungkook has been glued to the computer for the past three hours, working on a brochure he was commissioned to make. this task would go along smoothly if only his client didn’t have such a long list of demands, but alas, he is desperate for a good review after his past client’s four paragraph-long criticism. a boomer’s opinions hardly matter to him, but he knows how a single bad review alone can negatively affect reputation.

one thing’s for sure, everyone’s making it hard for him to fucking quit energy drinks.

he tosses the empty can into the trash bin beside his desk. away with his anti-radiation glasses, too. it lands in an awkward position over his keyboard. he couldn’t care less. everything hurts.

he keeps his eyes closed as he stretches his fingers, neck, and back with strained moans and grunts. the sweet relief causes him to slump lazily on his chair. at that moment, an internal battle starts. should he do the responsible thing and continue working? or should he just say fuck it and go to bed?

“no but seriously! why would she throw them away?!”

completely unrelated.

a thousand miles away from the topic at hand.

“jungkook!” taehyung growls from the bed, furiously pressing at the buttons of the controller. “it’s been two weeks! when are you going to move on?”

jungkook spins the chair to face him with a deadpan expression. the ps5 hogger is too focused on the television screen to even notice.

“you wouldn’t expect it but those aren’t cheap.”

“then maybe you shouldn’t have given it away to a stranger.” taehyung shrugs. “but that’s just me.”

“that was out of my control.” jungkook defends. “you should’ve seen her.”

“well, you wouldn’t let me.” taehyung mumbles, but he obviously wanted him to hear. “no thanks. crying at the amusement park? she’s got to have some real issues.”

“so what? we all got issues.”

“not me,” he sends jungkook a smirk. “if i don’t acknowledge them, they’re not there.”

“and that, my friend…” jungkook has decided to retire from his work area tonight. he pats taehyung’s shoulder as a display of faux sympathy. “is your biggest issue.”

wearing a childish grin, he grabs the other controller from the floor.

“now, shall we rank up?”

—

it’s been a few days since summer vacation started. he normally comes home to busan during the school breaks for a temporary taste of childhood bliss. he spends the entire day watching television, eating home-cooked meals, and not thinking about requirements at all.

too bad his vacation is suspended due to his adult responsibilities.

at least that’s the excuse he used.

his family has been staying with relatives for the past month because their home is currently under renovation. and well, jungkook’s dorm is suffocating enough on his own. staying under one roof with nine other people? hard. pass.

he may or may not be regretting that decision now, however. all of a sudden, coming home from work with a bag full of ramyeon and beer feels too depressing. even more so that he has no one to share them with. all of his friends have gone home. taehyung, too. he found someone who could temporarily fill in his place and did not think twice about leaving jungkook behind. he can’t blame him.

jungkook enters the apartment building. as always, quiet and dim. he gets that the owner is trying to save money, but isn’t it a bit too early to start turning off the lights? he rolls his eyes despite the lack of a witness.

they are very lucky that he has grown somewhat fond of this place.

jungkook allows himself to be roped in by the only source of warm light in the lobby. he finds himself incredibly silly for being entertained by goldfishes swimming around in an aquarium, but after a hectic day, this is where his brain cools down.

“hello everyone,” he coos at them.

do fishes even react to baby talk? he wouldn’t know. the only pet that lasted him years and is still alive is their family dog, gureum.

“how was your day? i hope it was better than mine.”

—

on the other side of the aquarium stands you, watching a boy talk to the fishes while he is blissfully unaware of your presence. an endeared smile graces your face unbeknownst to you.

eventually, there arrives a moment when most of the fishes favor a certain side and they clear out before his eyes.

that is when he finally notices you.

your heart begins to race, but he appears to be more shocked than you are. you stand up straight nearly at the same time.

despite the dark, they’re impossible to miss. his breathtaking eyes— which were filled with pure wonder and adoration only seconds ago— growing in size as soon as they saw yours.

“i know you…”

a bucket of ice cold water is dumped over your head.

“the girl who cried at the dreamboat!”

and while you do not appreciate the rather ungentlemanly pointing of finger, you’re glad to be able to breathe out a sigh of relief.

well, and there’s also the crippling shame.

you didn’t want your first impression on anyone to be the most pitiful version of yourself.

it’s been over a month for fuck’s sake. how does he remember your face so well?

“wow,” he gapes. “you changed your hair.”

you touch your hair, feeling a little conscious.

is that a good thing or a bad thing?

it’s your first time changing your hair color; plus, the last time you had bangs was in middle school. it’s been weeks since you had the big transformation, but you’re not quite sure how you feel about it yet.

“yeah, light pink…”

“it suits you well.”

“thanks,” is all you manage to respond with.

a gust of awkward silence passes by. there’s the instinct to run away— knocking at your brain, pulling at your limbs. but you can’t think of an excuse. your feet won’t move… eventually you stop minding that. the goldfishes are too beautiful to look away from. they work as the perfect distraction from the other soul standing across.

“so, um- i’ve never seen you around here.”

“i moved in today.”

“oh, i see… that makes sense.”

you hum to fill the quietness that follows, thinking of what else you could say, but he beats you to it.

“i live at the 13th floor.“

what did he say? do you live on the same floor? that’s impossible.

“how about you?”

“hm, 10!”

you blurt out the first number that pops into your mind. you quickly pretend like you’re not freaking out inside by shifting the topic.

“do they-” you gesture to the aquarium. “do they have names?”

“names?”

the random question seems to catch him off guard.

“none that i’m aware of.” he shakes his head. “i don’t think so- no.”

“oh…” your shoulders sag in disappointment. “that’s sad.”

but then again, you should’ve lowered your expectations and reminded yourself where you are. they were not bought as pets. they were bought for display.

—

the last time jungkook saw you was over a month ago. maybe your face is a tad different because you’re not crying. the new color of your hair compliments you in a way unlike before’s yet just as beautiful. the bangs make much of the difference too. he doesn’t know how old you are, but you look younger somehow. from his point-of-view, he could say that much has changed. but not the melancholia.

he watches you gaze into the aquarium in fascination; the lights reflect on your eyes as little twinkling stars. you’re not crying, but why can he still feel your sadness?

he once told taehyung that if you meet again, he’d give you hell for throwing his sour gummies away.

funny enough, that plan went out the window the second he laid his eyes on you again.

“do you want to feed them?” he offers.

“i already did.”

“you did?”

“i did,” you look up at him innocently, nodding. “i asked the guard.”

“aish, he didn’t tell me.” he throws his arms up with a groan. “i almost overfed them.”

you perk up with interest. “do you always feed them?”

“when i come home from work.”

“that’s nice…”

the soft smile you give him makes his heart skip a beat, but he doesn’t know it yet.

“sorry, um-” you begin smoothing out your clothes, also tucking your hair behind your ears. “i need to get to work. it was nice meeting you.”

“work?” he exclaims. “at this time?”

“graveyard shift,” you simply answer.

pictures of the dark alleyways immediately flash in his mind.

“but it’s dangerous to be roaming around here at this time.”

his radar doesn’t detect crimes being reported around the neighborhood, but with the majority of the building’s occupants being young adults, the streets are often littered with drunkards who have many things to be angry about.

“oh, i don’t walk. i’ve got a bike.”

he hasn’t known you long, but this is the most enthusiastic he has seen you. your face lit up as soon as you mentioned your mode of transportation.

however, he is a tiny bit confused.

it shows on his face, apparently.

“the motor kind,” you clarify.

“ah, the motor kind-” he claps once as soon as the realization dawns on him. he chuckles to himself. “of course!”

it was important for you to clarify, jungkook concludes from your tone. the fact that you own a bike is sexy, but you look adorable right now and it is so amusing to him.

“anyway, i need to go. it was nice to meet you!”

your heels click against the floor as you head towards the same door he walked in from.

“see you around!” he yells, still wearing a wide grin.

he remains standing there even though you’re already gone from sight.

hit with a useless yet concerning epiphany, he blinks.

“she rides the motorbike wearing heels?”

—

jungkook’s misery has been pushed to the back of his mind, replaced by an overwhelming giddiness that causes him to drop everything on the floor and jump on his bed. he buries his head into the pillow, but it does nothing to erase the happy grin that’s threatening to make his cheeks sore.

what a small world, huh?

what is this if not fate?

he flips over and stares at the ceiling as if it’s the starry night sky.

this might just become the best summer of his life.

—

jungkook comes out fresh from the shower clad only in a pair of black boxer shorts. he hangs the towel he was drying his hair with over his nape, heading to the kitchen to prepare his dinner. he rips the lid of the cup ramyeon halfway, and as he pours hot water into it from the electric kettle, your face appears on his mind again.

wait, there’s something wrong…

he tilts his head to the side, eyebrows knitting together as he tries to figure out what it is he forgot.

“ah, i’m so stupid!”

he totally forgot to ask your name!

“shit!” he shouts in higher volume when he realizes that the water has overflowed and is now dripping to the floor.

he puts the kettle down, taking a few steps back from the mess he made. praise heavens the water wasn’t hot enough for his toes to suffer anything more than a first-degree burn.

he starts to look around for anything he can wipe the floor with, his tongue poking his inner cheek.

“still having a bad day.”

—

but a bad day isn’t enough to break down jungkook’s spirit. he knows there will always come a tomorrow, so he seizes that tomorrow and comes home from work as fast as he can. there’s a big chance that you leave for work around the same time, right?

so he sits down on the sofa facing the aquarium, and he waits.

his head turns to the elevator each time it dings.

he taps his foot on the floor.

he checks tomorrow’s weather forecast on the app. clear skies. no chance of rain. high humidity levels.

he goes through the magazines laid out on the coffee table. he learns five ways to get over heartbreak. according to the quiz, he has a sweet and passionate personality based on the flavor of his lip balm. he thinks it’s pretty accurate. strawberry, he strokes his non-existent beard. could never go wrong with it.

next thing he knows, the clock strikes twelve.

he can no longer control his excessive yawning but his stomach is just screaming for the pack of jjajangmyeon in his cupboard.

he presses the elevator button with a tight-lipped smile. he’s disappointed that he didn’t see you at all today, but he was raised to have a positive outlook in life. you live in the same building. you have to run into each other again one of these days.

—

what does jungkook hate more than normal sundays? sundays when he didn’t get enough sleep.

for some reason, he’s still tragically stuck with working on the worst day of the week despite his repeated objections. the only upside to this particular sunday is that he is assigned to the ferris wheel. in exchange for thrice the amount of his daily wage in discreet tips, what happens in some of those cabins are none of his business.

if he ends up getting reassigned, he would be pretty fucking pissed off.

he’s restless as the elevator descends to the ground floor. he’s munching on a protein bar, jogging in place as to warm up his body for a race to the bus stop.

he can’t be the one manning the bump cars. bump cars are the worst. those kids hit you on purpose, he swears.

the elevator dings and he runs.

until an eye-catching color forces him to pull the brakes. his sneakers squeak against the tiled floor.

your back may be facing him, but he can recognize you from that cotton candy hair even from a mile away. you’re right where he was hoping you’d be last night, conversing with one of the janitors. this really isn’t the best time for your paths to cross again, given the reasons he was just grouching about, but his feet refuse to move.

you go on your tiptoes to sprinkle fish feed into the aquarium. you’re so adorable in your pajamas; you’re almost drowning in the black and white checkered cloth. are those yours in the first place?

“everything you need to know is written here… how much- how often you should feed them depending on the seasons, depending on how big they’ve gotten… jungkook worked really hard in researching. impressive, don’t you think?”

“i see…” he is finally granted his wish to hear your soft voice. “but why don’t they have names?”

the janitor scratches his head at your question. “they look too alike to have names.”

“hello! i heard my name!” jungkook pops in without a warning, causing mister park to flinch and slap a hand over his chest in shock.

“jungkook! i’m 71 years old! you could’ve killed me!”

“oh, that’s right-” he gasps. “grandpa, i’m sorry!”

jungkook attacks him with a bear hug, playfully rocking their bodies back and forth hoping that would calm down his vulnerable heart. for a brief moment, he feels like a child again.

“this is jungkook.”

the introduction was already made for him. that’s one less thing he has to overthink.

“____ here wants to feed the fishes every morning from now on. i told her it’s perfectly alright with me.” the janitor laughs. “with my age, you know how forgetful i’ve become.”

“really?” he breaks away, surprised by what he just learned. “that’s so nice!”

“it’s nothing. i’m happy to do it.” you smile and make eye-contact with him, but you soon break it, opting to glance at the aquarium.

you must like fishes a lot. he only felt bad for them because the janitor on night shift doesn’t give a single fuck about them; that’s why he did all that research hoping it would help with committing to the responsibility, which jungkook ended up shouldering in the end anyway. but you… you’ve been here for what? two? three days?

“tell you what…” he brings out the pen he keeps in the side pocket of his backpack. “this- this is my phone number. if you need anything, or incase you need someone else to feed them, contact me!”

he scribbles down his phone number on the notepad grandpa was showing you before his rude interruption.

“by the way, my unit is 1311. you can also just-” he knocks on the thin air, clicking his tongue to mimic the sound. “knock on my door.”

jungkook’s watch beeps twice everyday, once at 8:50am and then at 11pm sharp. the sun is burning bright and his shift starts at 9am. yes, he is nervous infront of a girl who is drop-dead gorgeous, but he should also be very much nervous about the (unfair) deduction from his measly salary.

“okay, i need to run to work! goodbye!”

—

so, his name is jungkook…

you crane your head to watch him rush out of the building. the uncomfortable sound of his sneakers squeaking against the floor makes you grimace.

the page he wrote his number on is ripped off from the notepad and handed to you.

“he’s a good kid.”

you force yourself to smile, and it slowly fades as you tilt down your chin and stare at the string of numbers in blue ink.

long after the janitor has left to fulfill his long list of tasks, you remain standing by the aquarium.

“you do have someone taking good care of you.” you whisper to the clueless fishes, caressing the glass. a genuine smile appears when two of them swim towards you, beady eyes trying to make sense of the stranger loitering around their homey cage. “you can breathe well and you’re warm in the winter. that’s a relief.”

after feeding them, next on the agenda is to cook your own breakfast. you head for the elevator, tossing the crumpled up paper into the trash bin before pressing the arrow pointing towards north.

—

“hyung…”

“why?”

jungkook sighs. “can you text me?”

“text you what?” seokjin’s forehead creases in confusion.

“anything. i just need to make sure my phone still works.”

thursday has been a slow day at the amusement park despite the school vacation and no one has tried to win a teddy bear since the place opened. seokjin is more than happy to spend his free time playing games on his phone in his own little corner at the amusement park.

well, that was before jungkook got bored at the ping pong toss booth and decided to hang out at the other side of the wall.

he shrugs and texts his younger friend the word ‘anything’ just to get him off his back. he goes back to playing his game, not curious enough to interrogate him with additional questions.

jungkook’s text tone rings at max volume.

“it does work!” he yells in exasperation, flopping down at his seat. “why hasn’t she texted me?”

“you were whining about the same thing the other day.” seokjin muses as his car crosses the finish line. second place. “you fool, just text her first.”

“i don’t have her number.”

“what do you mean you don’t have her number?”

“i gave her mine.” jungkook says quietly. “we live in the same building and i told her to contact me if she needs anything.”

“then i guess it’s safe to say that she doesn’t need anything from you.”

“seriously, why can’t i have friends that are nice to me?!”

seokjin bursts out laughing, definitely not a stranger to jungkook and taehyung’s bickering at the break room.

“you did this one to yourself! jungkook, flirt better!”

“easier said than done,” jungkook pouts.

you make him nervous. his brain goes blank when you’re around. in addition to that, he doesn’t know what you’re going through and he’s scared that you’d end up pushing him away if he oversteps.

“i gave her candy when we first met and she threw them away.”

“oh, that’s right,” seokjin loads a new game, snorting. “taehyung told me about that.”

jungkook’s jaw drops. “is he backstabbing me?”

—

jungkook enters the break room with yet another item from the lost-and-found. it’s been over two weeks since he found this orange beanie on the ground. must’ve fallen from the rollercoaster, that’s his best guess.

since no one has claimed it— “finders keepers,” he grins as he stuffs it into his backpack.

“thief,” seokjin jokingly accuses him from the other side of the table. “that’s how you were raised?”

“says the one who took the sony headphones yesterday.”

“i won it fair and square!”

he’d argue with the older man again, but his phone vibrating has stolen his full attention. he is hit with disappointment at the same moment that he snatches it from the table. it’s his mom, again, asking him when he’s coming home.

“you need to stop doing that. it’s getting sad.”

he sighs, hugging his backpack to hide his pitiful face. “i am sad.”

—

his walks home from the bus stop have always been a period for reflection and pondering. the streets of seoul are scattered with his indecision, worries, and anger. since his mother has been asking him for months, should he just go home and endure their living situation? maybe it’s better to be annoyed with the presence of people instead of being blue with a lack thereof.

so much for being independent. he spent most of high school anticipating the day he gets to move out, now he wants nothing but to go home. he can’t help but to think that life is but a vicious cycle of wanting and losing.

too lost in thought, he fails to realize right away that he has entered his apartment building’s vicinity. it’s the smell of cigarette smoke that brings him back to reality. the alley is dark, but he can make out the silhouette of a figure crouched down on the ground. assuming that it’s one of the guards hiding to smoke, he soundlessly enters the confined space with mischief up his sleeve.

when he gets close enough, the first thing he sees is the tip of the cigarette still burning red as the smoker takes a puff.

a car with blinding headlights zooms past.

it becomes unmistakable then— the identity of the person ten feet away from him.

there’s no one around here with same hair color.

none that he knows of anyway.

he is motionless; clueless as to what he should do. he should probably turn his back and leave. pretend this never happened. he never saw anything.

he can’t even be hung up on the fact that you smoke. if he thinks back on his past experiences with dating, this would’ve been a turn-off, but he loses the ability to care. the smoke in his lungs is negligible when your wounded sobs are breaking his heart. it’s ridiculous that the urge to also cry is spreading fast in his system, but he had a long day and he feels really fucking shitty.

you were going to notice his presence eventually.

he doesn’t know what he was expecting.

you lift your head, and eye-contact is made. none of you chooses to speak a word.

you’re as beautiful as the day he first met you.

you stand on your feet and you step on the cigarette, on the emotional connection he swore you had, crushing it under the weight of your boot.

he blinks away the tears threatening to escape his eyes. he should say something; offer an apology for intruding on a vulnerable moment, but you walk past him before he could form the words, shoulder harshly bumping against him.

could have it been on purpose?

“____!” he says your name for the first time, for what sounds like a plea. he follows you home like a lost puppy. “i’m sorry, i-i wasn’t… i thought you were another person… are you okay?”

“what do you think?” you spit out. the delicate voice he knows isn’t there, gone harsh and hoarse.

“is there anything i can do?”

no response.

he tries again. “anything at all?”

“oh my god, can’t you take a hint? leave me alone!”

your sudden outburst sends him stumbling backwards, the sensation of your hands on his chest still lingering despite the distance that was forcefully created between the two of you.

“i don’t know you! stay away from me!”

your infuriated voice echoes throughout the lobby. he is shocked. dumbfounded. his eyes, out of focus, seek your face, and he finds you heaving with tearful eyes.

he makes an attempt to speak, something to defend himself with, but in the end, he still says, “i’m sorry.”

a woman walks out of the elevator, and you immediately enter without looking back. jungkook remains standing where he is, with strangers’ eyes on him as if he has committed a grave crime.

—

you slam the door shut, hand still covering your mouth shut despite no one being around to hear your cries. you don’t bother turning on the lights. your shoulder bag falls somewhere on the floor and you collapse on the bed, still in your jeans and your heels hanging off your feet.

nothing matters anymore.

you’re suffering the punishment of somebody else’s crime. you’ve been casted out, stripped away of your dreams and your dignity. your life is over and you’ve accepted that, but maybe you haven’t. all is unfair. you’re so fucking angry but you’re too tired to feel it. and you’re alone. so alone. no one is on your side and it’s not fair.

you try to scream out, anything to release your pent-up rage, but it doesn’t happen. apparently, that’s what happens when enough people tell you to bite your tongue raw.

they say we curl up into the fetal position as a natural response to stress and anxiety because it mimics the sense of security we had when we were in our mother’s womb. the way you see it, your body will always be yours and it is the only one that you need.

so you curl up and you put your arms around yourself. you pat your own back until your wrist falls limp from exhaustion, and you keep your eyes closed until you fall into a deep sleep.

you pray to god that you never wake up.

—

you fail to achieve peace even in your dreams. in what is supposedly an imaginary land, you were being chased by faceless agitators with torches and pitchforks. you were crying and screaming, running on bare and bloody feet, tripping on branches and the stones they were throwing.

you open your eyes to darkness.

just as you predicted; nobody listens.

you feel nothing anymore and you hope it stays that way. if you can’t escape it, then perhaps, you can be desensitized to its horrors.

you force yourself to sit up on the bed, spending an unknown length of time staring into the void.

the first coherent thought formed in your head… no, not a thought… a person.

your bare feet brave the cold floor. the switch of the desk lamp is flicked as you sit at your desk. you grab a pen to write something on the free space of your opened journal pages.

under those numbers, you note down the name of the owner in cursive.

—

after the shitshow that transpired earlier, sleep became impossible for jungkook.

he doesn’t quite understand how he feels about you. however, it’s currently clear that there’s a part of him that’s pissed off. you made yourself very clear. he should maintain distance from now on. that’s the sensible, respectable thing to do. at this point, attempts at initiating any form of relationship with you appear to be futile. you’re a stranger to him, as you emphasized. this shouldn’t be as complicated as it is in his head… but fuck, the memories of your tear-stained face is corrupting his ability to rationalize.

it’s 2:33am. he’s been playing the guitar infront of the camera for an hour and a half already. the comment section is flooded by sleep-deprived people like him, sending song requests and questions about his personal life.

yes, he’s about to be in third year college.

no, he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

no, he can’t mention where he lives… but sure, he can sing ‘beautiful’ by crush.

“what do you mean? i just finished playing it ten seconds ago!” he squints as he scrolls through the new wave of comments. “sorry, art commissions are still closed. i’m behind on my workload… no, i’m not sleepy! don’t send me to bed yet… knees by iu? i love that song. should i play that next?”

his phone vibrates with a new text message, nearly causing it to fall from the stack of books he set it up on.

“oh- what was tha- what do i do? wait, everyone. i need to check on something!”

the live is temporarily put on pause.

“who is this?”

his eyebrows knit in confusion when he is greeted by an unregistered phone number.

2:45am

hi, jungkook. this is ____. i wanted to apologize for my behavior at the lobby earlier. i understand you were only concerned. i’m so sorry. i’d love to buy you coffee some time to make it up to you, if that’s ok.

this is real, right? he’s awake. he’s not hallucinating. the text message indicates your name and it says that you’d love to buy him coffee some time.

a gasp leaves his mouth, his hand flying up to seal his lips.

you texted him. you finally texted him.

he was starting to get convinced that you also threw away his number, but you didn’t!

he weakly sets down the phone, brain still processing the message you sent. does this make sense?

“i shouldn’t reply right away… maybe in the morning…” he nods to affirm myself. “that’s right.”

he begins chuckling out of nowhere. soon enough, those chuckles become chortles. he must be going insane. he picks up the phone and reads the message again.

“she sounds pretty even in chat. how is that possible?” he spins on his chair, so carefree. “but honestly, is one coffee enough for what she did?”

he shakes his head with a click his tongue.

“i don’t think so…”

hold on…

it feels like he’s forgetting something…

“ah, the live!” he jumps on his seat in panic.

he swipes out of the text message to go back to the app where he abandoned his thousand viewers.

“sorry, i made money.” he mumbles to himself. “i should end it now.”

—

his mood has done a 180. his routine consists of feeding the fishes dinner, and then himself, but he decided to skip the second part earlier for reasons that he has forgotten by now.

his stomach growls at his selfish decision.

given the time, he considered food delivery, but the fee made him exit the app immediately. he hasn’t gone to the grocery store as of recent either. the fridge has been wasting electricity, but his pride won’t let him turn it off.

how did people live without convenience stores before? that is what jungkook marvels about as he crosses the long hallway to reach the elevator.

a door ahead opens, and he would ignore it if not for one of the two people who comes out from the other side of it.

there is a man in his late 20’s, and then there is… you.

you are the deer and jungkook is the blinding headlights.

—

the coffee you originally offered jungkook has turned into a full meal. when you arrived at the convenience store, he knew what he wanted right away. he grabbed the biggest cup of ramyeon and tteokbokki, an egg, sausage, and cheese. he refused to let you pay for them at first, but there was nothing left to do after you handed the cashier the money.

the action was done out of obligation rather than will, but seeing how much he’s enjoying the food, you’re a little less displeased with the circumstances.

“is that all you’re eating? we can share mine.”

“it’s okay. i’m not that hungry.”

with the money you had left, you were able to afford a roll of gimbap. maybe it’s not enough to make you full, but it’s enough to satiate your hunger. you slowly chew the food in your mouth, an effort to hide your smile as you discretely observe jungkook devour his rabokki.

“the man from earlier, is he your brother?”

your chewing is put on pause. “how did you know?”

“how? it’s easy!”

he cheekily points at his nose using his chopsticks.

“you have the exact same nose.”

“ugh,” you grimace. “i’m tired of hearing that.”

your list of similarities ends there. he’s the golden child and you’re the black sheep. if your parents find out that he comes to visit you and he sends you money, they’d only see you in worse light.

“i know,” jungkook scrunches his nose. “i have an older brother too.”

cute.

“so… why did you lie?”

he’s seriously asking you like this? so casually?

you awkwardly set down your food on the table and you take your time sipping at your coffee to buy yourself some time.

—

“i was embarrassed with what happened before… me crying at the boat and everything…”

you’re having a hard time looking at jungkook in the eye. sensing your discomfort, he wants to punch himself for being so careless with his tone. until moments before, he felt too offended to consider the fact that you never owed him an explanation.

“you don’t have to be. it’s okay.” he reassures you. “we all have bad days.”

it doesn’t work the way that he thought it would. when you start laughing, he is lost.

“did i say something funny?” he chuckles along nervously.

“that quote, ‘it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.’”

“yeah?”

“it’s the opposite for me. it’s not just a bad day; it’s a bad life.”

you speak with such endearing humor and it works like a charm in making the atmosphere lighter. he’d pass it off as a self-deprecating joke, but based on your few yet impactful encounters so far, he doesn’t think you’re stretching the truth far. if he’s being honest, if your first meeting happened differently, he’d assume that you’re living a perfectly comfortable life based on your appearance alone.

“even now, i’m too embarrassed to show my face to you. but we’re neighbors, so i’ll try to get over it.”

“tell you what, let’s start with a clean slate.” he eagerly makes a proposal. “you can erase all the embarrassing memories of you from my brain.”

“h-how do i do that?”

“flick my forehead!”

you blink, eyes darting around as you try to make sense of what he said. “i was expecting some sort of stupid hypnosis.”

“or that,” he switches up, slapping the table as if you just came up with something revolutionary.

why did he say flick his forehead anyway? he knows you gotta have an overwhelming amount of pent-up emotions. you could go deku on him and blow his head off.

“let’s do that!”

“no, i like it.” you almost interrupt him. “i’ll flick your forehead.”

but he did suggest it… and you act so gentle and sophisticated. he doubts that you would make it hurt.

“here i go!”

he gets his bangs out of the way. “okay!”

he squeezes his eyes shut, bracing himself for impact. “please have mercy.”

son of a bitch. that hurt.

“ow!” he rubs the affected area, face twisting in pain. his eyes flicker to you in disbelief. “you didn’t hold back, huh?!”

you smile at him sweetly. “did it work?”

—

“you fed them, right?”

“of course i did. you?”

“yes, this morning.”

“okay, that’s good.”

you and jungkook sit in silence after that, eyes twinkling with wonder as they follow the stunning movements of the goldfishes.

deep inside, he’s feeling restless. you make him nervous, and he’s also nervous about you noticing that he’s nervous. it’s been a tireless cycle.

he sneaks a glance at you.

perhaps he’s overthinking again. it seems like you don’t even care that he’s less than an arm’s length from you.

he doesn’t know whether to be relieved or annoyed.

he sighs without a sound, comfortably leaning all of his weight on the couch.

“it’s called the dreamboat.”

“what is?”

the boat you cried in— can’t say that. you might flick his forehead again.

“at the amusement park.”

“oh…”

it falls silent.

jungkook is thankful when you have a follow-up question because he hasn’t thought of a new topic yet.

“i wonder why they called it that.”

“oh, because the owner’s daughter loves boats!” he shares one of the few fun facts he learned over the past year. “that’s why it was designed like it came from a fairy tale too.”

a mirthful smile forms on your face “my guess was too far off.”

“what was it?”

“mhmm,” you hum, folding your arms over your chest. “dreamboat is a word used to describe a handsome man, right?”

jungkook nods his head like he knew that all along. no, he didn’t.

“so i imagined the owner met their handsome partner on a boat- no, or a ship,” the epiphany hits you in the middle of your sentence. “they have to be rich since they built an amusement park.”

a romantic. you imagined a love story based on a word alone. jungkook’s teeth dig into his lower lip as he tries to tame his wide grin.

“that does sound like a good theory.” he casually bends over, resting his elbows over his spread thighs. “i think i like it better than the truth.”

“how did you know that though? the truth?”

he shrugs. “i work there.”

“you work there?” your voice goes up a pitch. “i didn’t know…”

“you? do you study or work?”

“call center,” you answer to get it over with. to his surprise, your body language shifts and you’re now facing him. “what’s it like working there? is it fun?”

apparently, a job at the amusement park is now joining his very short list of your interests: after motorbikes, smoking, and fishes.

“it has good days and bad days…” he trails off. he hasn’t truly given this much thought, so he’s also learning about himself. “but i didn’t expect it to be as fun as it is. sometimes it’s boring, but when it’s fun, it’s really fun.”

you scoot closer. “do you get to ride for free?”

ah, yes, the deciding factor when he was offered the job.

“there’s an employee discount, actually! but i do it for free anyway…” he shyly scratches his head. “don’t tell anyone i said that.”

“i don’t have anyone to tell.”

his heart skips a beat when he hears your laugh genuinely for the first time. quiet and delicate and airy— you grace this blue summer night like a spring breeze that takes away with it everything that burdens your mind and heart.

once again, the aquarium becomes the most interesting collection of atoms in the building. as for him, he is still unable to keep his eyes off you.

“did you have a pet fish growing up? you really like them a lot.”

“no,” you reply. “i didn’t care about them until now.”

“really?” his eyes grow wide. “wow, i seriously thought you were a marine life enthusiast, or something like that.”

you give him a look. “i thought you were a marine life enthusiast.”

“we were both wrong.” he shrugs. “but what made you care about them so much now?”

“i don’t know. i just thought of something when i was looking at them.”

he feels your hesitance to continue. your eyes connect briefly and he communicates that he’s listening with an open mind.

“they’re different from other pets, you know, like cats and dogs. they can’t make a sound when they’re in pain.”

in the dark room, he sees the melancholy seeping from the cracked edges of you. although you act relaxed, your spoken thoughts paint the picture of a person whose sensitivity and sympathy touch upon everything.

“there should at least be somebody who cares enough to check up on them and make sure that they’re alive and well.”

“…and you wanted to be that somebody for them.” he concludes with a hushed voice, more to himself than you.

“but it turns out they have you already.”

“it’s not just me now.”

he mirrors your soft smile. it’s nice to see your frown turned upside down for a change. what was weighing down on him has become lighter, and he hopes it’s the same for you.

“the sun is about to rise.” you announce after a peek at the grandfather clock. “we should go home.”

jungkook isn’t a big fan of comfortable silence, but he can get used to it. he maintains a respectable distance from you in the elevator, engaging himself with the ascending number of floors on the screen. when the door opens, you’re the first to step out and he follows suit.

your destination isn’t far. you pause in front of unit 1303.

“uhm, this is me.”

yup, the same door he saw you come out of.

“i’m not far, just at the end of the hall. 1311, if you ever need anything.”

your eyes trace the direction of where he’s pointing before you nod in understanding. with a hand gripping the door handle, you offer him one final smile.

“goodnight, jungkook.”

—

if others cheese over good morning texts first thing after opening their eyes, then jungkook’s case is one of a kind.

he rolls over to his side, puffy eyes from sleep forming thinner crescent moons as he zooms in on your reflection on the glass.

10:08am

[attached image]

they’re happy and fed :)

10:10am

[attached image]

babies are getting bigger

this is how his mornings have been going for the past two weeks. he wakes up and he checks his phone for fish breakfast updates from you. in return, he sends fish dinner updates to you at night. he was the first one to send you a picture following the night you awkwardly bumped into each other. he didn’t want to wait around anymore.

were his palms sweaty? did he throw his phone on the bed after?

no longer relevant.

he now knows that your favorite color is blue and you have wednesdays and fridays off for the next month. that’s pretty cool.

another thing he’s taken notice of is that you don’t use emojis or emoticons aside from the smiley face.

although, there was once a miracle.

he scrolls up until he reaches your conversation from four days ago.

11:59pm

LOL i’m actually allergic to seafood ㅜㅜ

😭😭😭

“ah, i’m annoyed!” he kicks his feet; half of the blanket falls to the floor. “she’s so cute!”

things are indeed going great, greater than he imagined, but if he has to complain, he wishes he could see you in person more. he’s at work when you’re home and vice versa, so you don’t cross paths despite living on the same apartment floor. that 3am encounter was a rare phenomenon, it turns out. he chanced upon you a few times while running to work and you were feeding the fishes breakfast, but those conversations were barely conversations.

‘i just thought of something when i was looking at them… they can’t make a sound when they’re in pain.’

he hasn’t stopped thinking about that.

—

“when are you asking her out on a date?”

taehyung is on a mission to tease him for life even from daegu. he’s only thankful that his best friend isn’t video calling him from the toilet again because he’s currently having his lunch.

“i don’t know.” he grouches. “it doesn’t feel like the right time. i don’t want to scare her off.”

“when’s that ‘right time’?”

“i’ll figure it out…” he sighs, setting down the half-eaten sandwich on the table. “how do i say it…? i feel like- hm, she’s no- she’s not in the best emotional state right now.”

“so you admit it,” taehyung raises an eyebrow, smirking. “she has issues.”

that didn’t sit right with jungkook at all. he feels obligated to defend your honor.

“hey, stop being rude. you haven’t even met her yet.”

“come on, bro! i’m only looking out for you.”

the atmosphere shifts into a more serious tone.

“i don’t want you to get hurt trying to fix another person again. it was hard to watch.”

he moved on and learned his lesson— he wants to spit out as a rebuttal, but his best friend gave him much to think about. would it make sense to say that he’s moved on but he hasn’t healed?

“i know,” is what he ends up saying absentmindedly, distracted by thoughts that he isn’t keen on sharing.

and as if he’s been slapped back into reality, he fixes his posture and picks up his sandwich. “so, what’s up? have you even slept yet?”

“no,” taehyung responds nonchalantly. between the two of them, he absolutely has the more fucked up sleeping schedule. “i’ve been awake since 12am.”

“didn’t you say you’d spend the entire vacation sleeping?”

“this vacation was a trap.”

the camera darts to the abandoned mop on the floor.

“my mom makes me do all the chores everyday. this is worse than my actual job!”

a devilish grin is drawn on jungkook’s face. ah, the grass is always greener on the other side.

—

“mondays stay to be a pain in the ass.”

does it look like he’s exhausted and dirty from chasing around children all day? jungkook is stressed as he checks himself out on his front camera. he’s walking home from the bus stop after clocking out of work.

the street is mostly quiet, until a roaring engine approaches and he cringes at the raucous sound assaulting his eardrums. he’s already at the sidewalk for his safety and in accordance with the law, but he feels compelled to stay further back and wait for the vehicle to pass by.

seconds later, a black harley races past.

jungkook is dumbfounded as he tries to piece the puzzle together.

the lights are bright, and your pink hair blowing with the wind is even brighter.

“w-was that…?”

—

he was going to bring it up over text last night, but he decided to reserve it for physical conversation because he wants to see your face light up again.

you’re so fucking cool.

he’s both amazed and envious.

also, he’s pretty damn sure that you’re rich. he doesn’t understand why you’re living in this place and enduring the graveyard shift at the call center.

a foolish smile is permanently plastered on his face as he sketches a commissioned digital portrait. he really should focus, or else he might end up drawing you instead of his client.

he spins on his chair, pushing the wheels towards the bed, where he comfortably extends his feet over. almost missed it. the power has been out for an hour and he doesn’t expect it to come back until dawn. he was pissed about this being a normal occurrence during the first year of his stay here, but he’s gotten quite used to it. invested in a powerbank that almost looks like it can charge a car’s battery and he’s all set.

the aggressive pounding at the door drowns out the pop ballad he’s listening to.

“what? who could it be at this hour?”

he pauses the song, turning up the brightness of his ipad to use it as a makeshift flashlight.

the last person he expected to appear at his door says the last thing he expected them to say.

“jungkook, i think there’s a ghost in my apartment.”

—

jungkook sets down a hot cup of tea infront of you. in his mind, he thanks himself for keeping everything his mom sends him, even the things he do not like.

“thanks,” you mumble, picking it up by the handle.

he patiently sits on the other side of the table for two, giving you the time to calm yourself down from the horror that you witnessed. he has his emergency light propped up on the kitchen counter. he was saving it for when he finds himself in a grave situation, like a total blackout or an apocalypse. he didn’t imagine he’d end up using it for an unusual night like this.

“are you feeling better?” he asks worriedly.

you nod. “yeah, i just don’t want to be alone right now.”

“i’m here. you can stay until whenever you want.”

“thank you.”

you sigh with your eyes closed. you look like life has been drained out of you.

“i’m really scared, jungkook.”

“are you sure about what you saw? i mean, it’s dark. your mind could’ve been playing tricks on you.”

“i saw him. i really him saw him!” you frantically defend yourself. “i was washing my hands then i turned around and i saw him, sitting at the edge of my bed! he looked at me!”

his heart drops to his stomach when your chin begins to wobble and he sees your eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“and his skin was burnt off, jungkook.” you enunciate the words to emphasize the severity of what you experienced. “it’s so horrifying, i had to run.”

“hey hey hey- it’s okay. i believe you.” he squeezes your cold, trembling hands. “you’re safe now. it’s only us here. no spirits- i promise.”

he’s losing his mind a little bit. he’s holding the hands of the girl he likes and her pinky is wrapped around his. you’ve been putting him through a rollercoaster that, for once, he is terrified of. he wants to bask in this moment… but the specific detail you revealed is bothering him.

“and you said… he was burnt?”

“yeah, why?”

he presses his lips in a thin line, shaking his head. “no, it’s nothing.”

“there’s something.” you stop crying. “i see it on your face.”

“i swear, it's nothing!”

“you’re lying!” you accuse him. “what is it?”

“forget it, ____.”

“jungkook,” you say his name sternly. “tell me.”

shit, he’s done for. you can’t do this to him when he’s trying to protect you.

he swallows nervously. “but i don’t want to scare you.”

“i saw a ghost. what else can scare me?”

“the truth is…” he pauses, still weighed down by hesitance. but he realizes he has reached the point of no return. also, you’re squeezing his hands a little too tight. “this building had to be restored. it burned down a decade ago. people suspect there was foul play, but the firemen said it was faulty wiring.”

he’s the one telling the story, but he also feels chills run down his spine.

“oh… so you’re saying…”

“i… believe so?” he winces with a mix of guilt and fear. “but it’s the first time i’m hearing of a ghost story here. i haven’t had any encounter either.”

“i need to move.” you declare, not an ounce of humor in your voice.

“don’t!” he protests.

perhaps a little too passionately. could he be any more obvious?

“what do you mean? you need to leave too!”

“i can’t,” he fakes a pained expression. “who’s going to take care of the fishes?”

that works like a charm.

you untangle your hands and lean against the chair, transforming into a pensive state.

if he wasn’t going to convince you to stay, the fishes would.

“fuck,” you curse in a low whisper, sipping on your tea.

—

“i’m not the spoiled brat you think i am.” you frown, dangling your feet from the bed. “i sleep on the floor too.”

“i’d be rude if i let you do that.” jungkook insists as he fluffs his pillow. “i’m comfortable right here. i’m used to it.”

he was relieved that you weren’t stubborn enough to go back to your place and force yourself to sleep there. after seeing how terrified you were, it would’ve been impossible for him to close his eyes and shut down his brain from worrying. he hasn’t seen a ghost, but they have to be real. he likes to believe that we do not cease to exist and we have some place to go when we die. however, that does co-exist with being alarmed by a ghost of a burnt body sitting on your bed. he isn’t going to let you go back in there tonight. no way.

“you should get some rest. just tell me if you need anything, okay?”

“thank you, jungkook.”

“it’s no problem!”

his name sounds so sweet when it comes from your lips. he can’t help but to feel giddy every time he hears it.

you lie down on the bed, facing the portable fan strategically set up on jungkook’s gaming chair. on the other hand, the emergency light is at the nightstand, acting as a night lamp.

he checks the time on his ipad: 1:48am. his battery percentage: 55%. he’s not yet sleepy, so he decides to continue working until he gets the low battery warning for 20%.

sitting down without back support becomes too uncomfortable after a while, especially when drawing. he doesn’t realize it when he changes positions, too focused on drawing the intricate floral patterns on the client’s blouse.

“is that your girlfriend?”

jungkook turns his head towards the voice and your face is only inches away from his. the word stops for a moment.

“is she okay with me sleeping here?”

he scoots a little further away to grant his racing heart some mercy. “u-uhmm, no.”

“no…?” you repeat slowly, sounding concerned.

“no, as in she’s not my girlfriend!” he further elaborates in distress. “i don’t have a girlfriend.”

“okay, cool. you scared me.” you huff out a chuckle. “i don’t like being the girl who causes problems.”

“no, you’re safe.” he manages to also laugh. “no one’s coming to pull your hair.”

“then who is she?” you point at the screen with your pouted lips, particularly the reference photo that’s been burnt to his memory.

“a client. people pay me to draw them.”

“oh, so she’s one of your french girls?” you crack a humorous remark.

the reference catches him off guard, even though he should’ve totally seen it coming.

he squints. “mhmmm, i guess? kind of like that… except they’re not, you know, naked.”

“i see,” you hum in interest. “you don’t like doing nude drawings?”

“honestly? i don’t know. i’ve never done it before.”

“no one’s asked you?”

he shakes his head. “no one,”

“would you do mine if i ask you to?”

he secretly pinches his thigh to prove that he’s not dreaming.

what the fuck?

did he hear you right?

it sounded like such a genuine and casual question in the name of art, but the worst thing he could do while his crush is sleeping over is to imagine her naked. he feels the warmth spread across his cheeks, possibly reaching his ears.

“hey, breathe!” you giggle with a push of his shoulder. “you don’t have to answer that. sorry if it made you uncomfortable.”

“sorry, i was just surprised.”

he forces himself to laugh and act like the question isn’t putting him through a crisis in so many levels.

“i’ll let you finish your work.” you smile at him, pulling up the blanket.

please do and stop shaking up my heart.

“goodnight.”

“goodnight, ____.”

—

jungkook is still flustered by the conversation. since you opened up the topic, he did give it some serious thought. he thinks he wouldn’t mind if someone asked him to do it. he makes all of his negotiations and transactions online so everyone so far have been a stranger. as for the people he personally know, unless it’s his significant other, wouldn’t it be awkward?

anyway, the chances of it happening are low. stressing over it is pointless.

he needs to finish this commission and move on to the next, or else he’d be encumbered by the pile of deadlines. he’s making the most out of this vacation so he can save more money and work won’t have to interfere so often with his studies.

sometimes he doesn’t understand why he works so hard either. his family isn’t struggling financially. in fact, he’s studying to take over their businesses. his parents have been nothing but kind and supportive, but he is never compelled to ask them for money. he feels this strong and all-consuming need to prove himself as capable and independent. nothing compares to the gratification of buying his wants and needs with the money he sacrificed his blood, sweat, and tears for. he can’t stop himself.

“i can’t sleep…” a quiet murmur reaches his ears. “may i watch you draw?”

oh, he thought you’ve fallen asleep twenty minutes ago.

“of course,”

he is more than happy to move closer to give you a good view of his progress.

if there’s one thing he isn’t ashamed to boast about— it’s this.

it’s silent except for your breathing and the taps of his pen on the screen. he’s a tad self-conscious with the presence of engrossed eyes, but he would describe the atmosphere as peaceful.

“you’re such a great artist.” you whisper in awe.

jungkook can’t recall the last time he felt this simple yet profound type of joy.

—

true to your words, you did move as morning came.

jungkook wakes up to an empty bed and a commotion outside.

“____?”

he knocks on the bathroom door, not expecting it to swing open from the action. he takes his chances and peeks inside with another call of your name, but you’re still nowhere to be seen.

did you really leave without saying goodbye?

he sighs in disappointment. he was planning on buying you breakfast, too. he knew it. he should’ve made the invitation last night.

a series of loud thumps prompts him to scratch his head in irritation. he’s tired and sleep-deprived and he didn’t see his crush’s face first thing in the morning. the day has barely started and it’s already a bad one.

he opens the door with a considerable force, mouth running before his eyes could perceive his surroundings.

“could you guys turn it down? people are still slee-”

“jungkook! you’re awake.”

you jog over to him with a more cheery expression than last night’s. there’s no windows but the sun is shining over his face.

“sorry about the noise. i’m moving to a new unit.”

he can see that, but his brain remains in a muddled state. how did you make the arrangements overnight? he gapes at the men hauling your things to your new apartment.

“1309?” he exclaims.

“yeah,” you shyly reply. “it’s the only vacant one left.”

almost but not quite. does he have the right to complain? you’d be one door away.

he’s fucking ecstatic.

if he just sets aside the fact that it took a ghastly ghost encounter for the stars to align.

the wrinkles on his forehead disappear and become crinkles by his eyes, accompanied by an excited beam.

“should we feed them together then grab breakfast after?”

—

time passes by too fast for jungkook’s liking. summer vacation ended a month ago and he’s back to busting his ass off at the university. he misses the days and nights when the only thing he was going insane about is you.

what’s taking you so long to reply? did he say something stupid? does he look nice? smell nice? are you crying again? that ghost isn’t bothering you again, is he?

now that he needs to focus on something less interesting, say studying taxation and business law for subsequent long quizzes tomorrow, he’s back to crushing cans of energy drinks.

fuck, he misses you.

your purple hair tie is still wrapped around the knob of his bathroom sink faucet and he keeps forgetting to give it back to you. you make him nervous but he forgets he ever felt that way after five minutes with you. he craves to be connected with you on a more intimate level. he wants to be more than just a neighbor you make small talk with, over text. he wants to be more than a friend you sometimes eat with, on your days off. but he likes you so much that he can be content with the way things are, so long as it means you won’t go further away.

he’s absolutely pumped to hear his friends berate him for being stupid enough to enjoy the bare minimum from a woman.

an email notification interrupts his intense cramming session with his ipad and his illegally downloaded ebooks.

No Name

Subject: IMPORTANT! READ ME!

snack break at the aquarium?

he already has a strong inkling on who the sender could be; he clicks the email address and unsurprisingly, it says that it’s you.

did you seriously go out of your way to email him because he told you that he was going to keep his phone turned off while studying?

ridiculous.

so cute and ridiculous.

—

“i brought your favorite.” you meekly present your gift to jungkook. “uh, actually i’m not sure if it’s your favorite. but it’s become mine since you gave it to me.”

jungkook gapes at the bag of his favorite gummies sitting on his lap. just for comparison, the packet he gave you that day you first met came from his pocket. this one is almost as wide as his thighs slightly spread apart.

but most importantly, what did you just say?

“y-you didn’t throw it away?”

“what are you saying?” you pout, a little hurt by the question. “why would i throw it away?”

“you should’ve. you can’t just accept food from strangers!”

he was being pretty before. he humbly admits that. he just wanted an excuse to bring you up so he whined about it for weeks, but he was never genuinely upset. not specifically about that, anyway.

“why are you so upset?” you match the rise of his voice. “i’m fine and we ended up being friends. now say ‘thank you’ and open it!”

“ah, sure-” he panics, fumbling with the zigzag edges of the packaging. you were kind of hot for that. “thank you! this was seriously so thoughtful of you.”

you nod in satisfaction, stealing a gummy worm the second that the plastic is torn open. “you’re welcome!”

—

“i should stop eating.” jungkook mumbles to himself, chewing the other half of his nth gummy worm of the night.

“yeah,” you agree, pulling your hand away from the bag with an impressive show of restraint. “we should.”

the two of you probably look bizarre in the eyes of strangers, particularly those who have seen you one too many nights admire the golden creatures like you’re being hypnotized and nothing else in the world matters. jungkook never knows what’s running in your head, but to him, these moments are all about being beside you. the loud beating of his heart could be attributed to the caffeine, or the bare skin of your knees touching and no one daring to move.

“the tank feels…” there is a delay as you search for the appropriate word. “dull. can’t there be more variety of plants?”

“i tried,” he laughs at the funny memory you evoked. “when i came back the next day, two of them already ate everything.”

you gasp. “everything? is that normal?”

he opens his mouth to speak, but you unknowingly interrupt him with a raise of your hand.

“okay, i’m searching on naver.”

jungkook behaves for the fifteen minutes that follow, sneaking a peek at your phone screen every now and then with squinted eyes. you read fast, and your knees shake when you have to think hard. they’re small things. they don’t matter that much. but they’re still parts of your entirety which he is to be well-aquainted with.

“according to this person, we can try giving them marimo moss balls to play with… and hmmm-” you hum, lips puckering into a pout. “then for plants, anubias and java ferns?”

“i still know the address of the place i bought the plants from before. we can go when you’re free.” he offers, jumping on the opportunity to spend time with you outside of this building.

“you free sunday?”

“is the afternoon alright? i have to go to uni in the morning.”

please say yes.

“sure, that works.”

he breaks into a triumphant smile.

yes!

—

jungkook has been looking forward to this day all week. he breezed through work and college, motivated to finish all his tasks so he could enjoy his time with you without any worries. he knows it’s not a date, but anyone can be excited to meet up with a friend.

“you look pretty.” he smiles, breaking the silence in the elevator.

“you can barely see my face.”

“i see it!”

your nonchalance slowly fades, seemingly replaced by unease, which confuses jungkook. you put on a white face mask from the pocket of your hoodie before facing him.

“now you don’t!” you banter with him playfully.

“too late,” he sticks his tongue out. “i can draw it from memory.”

this is your usual day outfit, a basic classic. a hoodie paired with shorts and sneakers. the face mask is part of it too. in a crowd, you could be anyone, even him, if only your hair doesn’t stand out among the neutrals. he likes it. he likes how you match outfits without trying to. you get more dressed up at night, which makes sense since you go to work.

“so you can draw me even if i flash you just once?”

scandalized, he almost chokes on his own spit. “____!”

“i’m joking!” you giggle.

“no, please do it.” he encourages you in jest.

that earns him a slap on the face. he touches the affected area. it didn’t hurt at all, you did it with a light hand, but he gapes at you dumbstruck.

“you can joke about it but i can’t?!”

you only laugh at his reaction. he also imagines that he looks funny. not long after, the elevator opens and you drag him out by his hand.

—

the cashier pushes back your extended hand. “sorry, we don’t accept card payments.”

while you pout sadly at the rejection, jungkook rushes to grab the wallet that you made him hide because this was your ‘idea.’

“here,” he puts down the paper bills on the counter.

“i’ll pay you back.”

“no, it’s fine. my treat for the fishes since they’d probably eat them anyway.” he jokes to comfort you.

“yeah, okay,” you respond listlessly. “then i’ll buy our dinner. samgyupsal?”

“call!”

jungkook guesses you have come to know him well too.

“okay, let’s go.”

he invites you to leave after the cashier gives him the paper bag. as you walk out together, your shoulders brush, and for a brief moment, he assumes that you would cling to him. he doesn’t know why he keeps doing that. you never do. he continues walking and he doesn’t even notice that he has left you behind.

the door is half-open and he’s stood in place, eyes scanning the store like he just lost a child at the mall.

of course, he finds you hunched over infront of an aquarium inhabited by a betta fish.

“do you want to get it?” he whispers, mindful of scaring away the little creature. “i don’t think i’ve seen a purple fish before.”

not even in art or television. it’s strange.

he feels your eyes glued to him. persuaded by curiosity, he turns his cheek.

his breathing stops when he sees your face so close.

he doesn’t know you removed your mask. you’re staring at him so intensely with those beautiful eyes, sparkling with the reflections of light. you’re dazzling, and intimidating, and it’s doing dangerous things to his heart.

a little nudge and he’d give you an eskimo kiss.

if there’s a perfect romantic moment to kiss your lips, he’d say it’s right now.

“it’s not the fish i want.”

he doesn’t hear you.

do you see how entranced he is by your lips?

“the shipwreck, it’s beautiful.”

his eyes chase the sight of them when you return your gaze to the aquarium.

“like you,” the words slip out without thought.

—

a soft smile tugs at the corner of your lips. you blink away the tears and you stomach the heavy in your chest. you know jungkook is still staring at you with those bedroom eyes and there was no deep thought behind his compliment. will he still find you beautiful when he sees who you are beyond the surface?

“like me…”

—

after dinner, you and jungkook planted the plants and installed the shipwreck you wanted. it was not cheap, but it was worth it, if it meant seeing your priceless joy. he carries around more cash than necessary when he goes out with you. he’s praying that you didn’t see his sigh of relief when the waiter said the restaurant accepts card. he doesn’t know much about your circumstances, why you stopped going to school and why you opted to work instead, but he knows you lead a lifestyle different from his. he’s not ignorant. he estimates your bag is five times more expensive than his ipad. but with how you’re soundly sleeping on his shoulder, he can say that it’s justified.

he learns that you’ve been working straight for fifteen days, with 10-20 hours of overtime per week. you practically live there. he can feel the weight of your shoulders on him, which is why he doesn’t have the heart to wake you up despite his bladder’s need of the bathroom. this is probably the closest he will ever be to you. he can’t be the one to walk away in this memory.

the humming noise of the aquarium’s filter fills the silence.

it always feels like he’s dreaming when he’s with you.

“after all that money we spent, we should really name them now.”

you release the yawn you were holding back while speaking, head dropping on his shoulder. jungkook stiffens at the suddenness of the physical contact, but then relaxes thanks to the tranquilizing scent of your shampoo— it has to be coconut, with some sort of flowers that perfectly compliment it.

“have any ideas?”

“yes,” he hears the smile in your voice. “you know those two who have similar hues?”

he hums, body vibrating underneath your soft cheek.

“tangerine, and then clementine for the smaller one.”

“those are cute names.”

“you like them?”

“yes, they really sound like siblings!”

“okay, i won.” you shrug your shoulders as far as they can go, as if you’re so pleased you could burst. “that’s settled. your turn!”

“hmmm…”

he unconsciously bounces his knee as he racks his brain, which you swat with a disapproving noise, mumbling “making me dizzy!”

“sorry,” he winces.

your giggles are infectious, bringing tickles somewhere deep inside of him, butterflies in his stomach coming alive like spring only arrived.

“shouldn’t we at least have one named after a flower?” he suggests. “hold on, i’ll search for good ones.”

“let’s give the flower name to the yellow one. she stands out, like a flower.”

you blink wearily, a soft smile amidst the haze, sent to the yellow fish who swam closer as if it heard itself being called.

he reads the list of yellow flower names out loud.

“sunflower, daisy, azalea… for-forthysia? lily, cosmos, dahlia-”

“dahlia-” you quietly repeat the name in awe, clinging to his arm to steal his attention.

“dahlia it is!”

“i wish dahlia would live forever.” you sigh, haunted by the inevitable.

“dahlia will outlive us.” he chuckles.

“i’ll protect her from the afterlife.”

he squeezes your hand tenderly. “i’ll be right there with you.”

and with unspoken mutual understanding, your fingers intertwine. neither one of you wants to let go, he feels it strongly and he is sure of it. his cheeks may very well begin to ache with how elated he is.

“that’s three… you know, i saw someone on youtube who named their fish coral. i thought it was a very pretty name. how about that?”

“i like it,” you chirp. “i kind of wish it was my name.”

“should i just give it to you?”

you lift your head a little, sleepy eyes connecting with his. “do you know someone who has the same name as me?”

“no,” he slowly shakes his head. “you’re the only one.”

“let’s give it to the one with the longest tail.”

your head drops on his shoulder, as if it’s where it belongs.

“i like being the only one.”

you fell asleep seconds after that.

he found entertainment in watching as much as the goldfishes playing around with the shipwreck. it’s a wooden ship split in two, with cracks and holes big enough for them to swim in and out of. even the sails have holes. the drawings on them are unrecognizable beyond his imagination.

it’s quite charming, but he doesn’t understand what’s special about it the way you do.

a teardrop drips from the tip of your nose and crashes on his arm, but he doesn’t feel it.

eventually, it dries, and is erased from history.

#jungkook au #jungkook one shot #jungkook fic #jungkook fanfic #jungkook drabble #jungkook scenario #jungkook imagine #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #bts fluff #bts reaction

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wtfsteveharrington · 4 months

Text

c l o s e t o y o u | carmen berzatto x reader

we've got so much history baby

description: set months after your breakup, you and carmen navigate what it means to be separated. you're trying to move on but waves always return to the ocean.

warnings: kinda angsty but also hurt/comfort. mutual pining even tho you're both trying to pretend it isn't there. miscommunication. kinda mentions of cheating if you squint but not really. no one has cheated but what to call this vibe irdk so! also mentions of using the bathroom if that bothers you!! it's quick!

smut warnings: oral/fingering reader receiving, spanking, dirty talk, hints of dom!carmy, unprotected sex but backshots for 'safety', sexting, semi public sex, lots of hickies/bruises talk bc carmy's a lil shit, multiple mentions of masturbation for both, reader has a drunk bar make out phase post breakup. reader is afab but no major descriptors used.

word count: almost 9.2k. the longest thing i've written so far!

a/n: dare i say this might be my favorite thing i've written possibly. aiming to make this a three part series but possibly could go longer.... i hope you enjoy <3

maybe you and i were meant to be / maybe i'm crazy

‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊✮‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊

Carmen’s eyes are trained on you from the second your front door opens. His hands stalled halfway through taking off his jacket, only one shoe clattering across your entryway.

“Where’ve you been tonight?”

Which you have no choice but to shoot him a warning glance in response. It was late, you didn’t have the energy for a fight and that’s the complete opposite reason of why you texted him to come over. “I was on a date, Carmen.”

He physically deflated at your answer. “Oh.”

You can’t meet his eye, can’t risk seeing his reaction. Would he be upset? Indifferent? It’s hard to decide which would be worse.

When you had broken up a few months ago the roles were clear - A case of ‘right person, wrong time’. He was busy, so endlessly busy. Working late into the night and heading in randomly during the morning or afternoon if he was needed. Which he could easily decide he was.

For as long as you could remember Carmen always took Tuesdays off to spend with you and get life in order. That way he had Monday to help the restaurant recover from the weekend and could trust them to handle what was, usually, an easier day. It was a tradition you took seriously and the two of you regularly made plans together every single Tuesday. Date nights, day trips, a mixture of adventures. It didn't matter what you were doing together so long as you had Tuesday to look forward to and help get you through the week.

Yet things started picking up. More celebrity dining requests, more magazine and tv interviews, more, more, more.

And it wasn’t that you misunderstood how important the restaurant was. Far from it. There were many nights where Carmen would come home a ball of anxiety because it took an hour longer than he anticipated and he knew it wasn’t fair to you. There would be a mess of apologies as he barreled in the door, bracing himself for a fight or to see your disappointed face. All of which you happily soothed by repeating constant mantras - The restaurant was his baby; you weren’t upset; take a deep breath; we’re okay.

Then eventually you stopped saying you weren’t upset, stopped saying you two were okay. Eventually you stopped waiting up for him at all. At first Carmen would shower and climb into bed, confused if he should attempt to hold you or not. Your sleeping (Fine, sometimes you faked being asleep too) frame with your back turned to him. The blankets pulled tight around your body acting like a shield.

Finally he just started sleeping on the couch.

So yeah, the fall apart came quick. It was an avalanche neither of you could control nor did either of you want. There was still love between the two of you - But again it’s the right person, wrong time.

You avoided each other for the following weeks. Carmen threw himself even more into work and you took a week of PTO to go visit one of your friends. He wondered if you were safe, you wondered why none of the people in the bar tasted the way he did. Your friend encouraged you with every sloppy make out conquest but it always ended there. You wanted to get Carmen out of your mind but weren’t ready for him to not be the last person who fully touched you.

It didn’t work but does it ever?

Carmen watched your Insta far more than he should have. Risking way too many glances down at his phone during his free time to see if there were any updates about how you were doing. As if you’d post photos with long captions that mimicked a therapy session but he didn’t know where else to go. Sydney would report back what your story shows no matter how much Carm insisted he didn’t care.

Because he didn’t, okay? He was fine. He knew it was for the best. Right?

And then you posted a photo of yourself in a low cut top laughing in a bookstore. He zoomed in to see what titles you had in your arms as if they were clues and his eyes definitely didn’t linger on the swell of your cleavage. He didn’t think about how many nights he took for granted watching as your back arched up under him and you begged for more. He didn’t think about the way you’d crawl into bed at night and his mind would instantly rid itself of anything but you. He didn’t jack off to memories of you in the shower every morning because thinking about someone else, watching porn of other people, it didn’t feel wrong. No, that wasn’t the case at all.

You, on the other hand, turned on Google alerts for anything relating to The Bear or Carmen “Carmy” Berzatto. Most of it was just good Yelp! ratings or fluff pieces from the local papers. He wasn’t one for posting on social media, in fact you weren’t sure he used it at all but you still posted like he was, but sometimes you’d find yourself scrolling through Sydney’s feed to see if she was giving you any crumbs. Sometimes, if you were really desperate, you’d find yourself in Richie’s feed even. It was pathetic but you can’t help it.

One late night you came across an Instagram story post Sydney had up. Carmen leaning against a pinball machine at some gaming bar downtown. His hair was pushed back, eyes crinkled up with laughter. He looked at ease, peaceful. You wondered if anyone there felt the same… Was someone whispering to their friends and trying to build the encouragement up to go talk to him? Would he respond?

Right, it wasn’t your place to care anymore. Yet you still cried yourself to sleep and yearned for when things felt so much easier.

Yeah, the breakup wasn’t exactly going well.

A few weeks ago you came across Carmen at the grocery store of all places. Both of you had gotten so used to doing the shopping Tuesday mornings and, logically, you were both comfortable going to the location just like you had been weekly for months. Your breath caught in your throat and God he looked better than you remembered. The first thing out of his mouth was, “Great sale on gouda this week.” And the only thing your brain could conjure up was, “Well that’s gouda.”

You both stayed silent for a moment before bursting out in laughter.

Laughter turned to getting lunch around the corner.

Lunch turned into you straddling Carmen’s waist in the car while parked in the very back corner of the parking lot and riding him until your eyes watered and you couldn’t focus long enough to keep a rhythm. He wrapped his arms, such strong arms, around your waist and fucked up into you for all that he was worth. Trying to prove himself in whatever capacity you allowed.

If he couldn’t love you like he wanted, he could at least fuck you better than anyone else would.

Once you two broke the seal of seeing each other it was hard to stop. There was almost a forbidden aspect to your relationship now that caused a small thrill to run down your spine every time you saw him late at night. You were pretty sure no one knew you started… Seeing each other again and you were both content keeping it a secret.

So that’s how you ended up here. Standing across from him at 11 o’clock at night on a random Wednesday. You try not to wonder if he left ‘early’ the second you reached out, instead convincing yourself that it just so happened to work out he was ready to go within minutes of you sending your ‘My place tonight?’ text during this horrific blind date your co-worker set up.

Jonathan, 6’1, finance major turned CPA for his family’s company. He was… Fine. Just fine. You left on good terms in case you wanted to call on him for back up one lonely night. The problem was no one else was Carmen no matter how hard you tried to look for him in the people that passed by.

And there he stood across from you with hair falling into his face and his eyes looking up at you like you’re crafted from Heaven. A skirt, thin tinted tights, a shirt that exposed just enough skin but not too much. The soft shimmer across your eyelids and glossy lips from the lip balm you’ve been continuously applying since you knew he was on the way. The last time he saw you like this was when you were fighting because Carmen accidentally showed up 15 minutes past when you were supposed to leave for a birthday party at your friend’s house and that night ended with you locking him out of the bedroom while he had to pretend he couldn’t hear you crying in the next room. He really didn’t mean to be late. Sometimes the nights just got taken away from him.

Carmen hated that you were dressed up for someone else but he pretends you just threw this on for him.

Your arms cross your chest, totally not attempting to push up your breasts, and you let out a sigh while you stare at Carmen. “This has to be the last time.” His face is stoic, a perfect poker face. The last time? Break up or not he couldn’t imagine there being a last time he saw you. Half the time he forgets, still referring to you as his partner while brushing it off and refusing to correct himself. Then there’s times where he comes home to his empty apartment and realizes you weren’t there to light the long forgotten candles on the coffee table or open up the windows to air the place out.

He closes the space between the two of you and stares at your face. Searching for answers he’s too scared to ask for. Your resolve is breaking, cracking under the weight of having him so close. Beautiful eyes staring at you, the way he smells like the cologne you bought for your last anniversary and clean laundry. If you weren’t so drunk on the sight of him you would have put it together that Carmen kept clean clothes at the Bear to make sure he could change before he came to see you.

You’re both silent for a moment before there’s two hands wrapping around either side of your neck and Carmen’s dragging you two together for a kiss. God, he couldn’t stand the idea of someone else kissing you. Would they even do it right? Do they know the way you moan when he licks into your mouth or the way you always grab ahold of his wrists when he cups your face? Do they know the way you forget to breathe sometimes when you’re lost in it? He’d have to pull back in order to give you a second to gasp in a rush of air. Does whoever you were with tonight know any of that?

You pull away from Carmen with a broken out moan, silva connecting your mouths and the faint taste of cigarettes on your tongue from him. Clamping your hands on his shoulders you just faintly push the two of you apart, trying desperately to collect your thoughts. Carmen crying during the break up, sobbing in your bed, living on autopilot for weeks, the way he kisses you like he’s scared it’s the last time anymore because it very well just might be. Everything coming back to you in flashes as he stands before you once again.

“I called you here for a reason, Carm.” His eyebrow is cocked, eyes flickering down to the bulge in his jeans that started growing the second he kissed you. “Uh - Yeah? Isn’t that what… I thought that’s what we were doing?” Carmen’s leaning in again, letting his lips connect to your neck. Warm kisses being pressed in a path up to just below your ear. “No uh, oh, remember how you let me keep the cast iron?” He hums in response, teeth nipping at your earlobe while broad hands start grabbing at your waist. “Yeah, uh huh, the cast iron skillet.” Fuck the stupid cast iron. He’s much more concerned with hooking fingers in the waistband of your skirt, attempting to pull it down while you’re fighting to stay focused.

“Well my friends came over the other night and oh Jesus.” He’s licking a strip up your neck now, only half focused on your story. “Carm, please, they were helping me clean up and someone left it soaking in hot water overnight.” That’s finally got him freezing in place, his aroused little sounds quickly turning into a groan of annoyance. “Fuck. That ruined-… I mean, the seasoning has to be ruined. Assuming it rusted?” You nod helpless, fingers dragging along his chest while Carmen stares over your shoulder.

His eye twitches involuntarily.

There’s a deep sigh coming from his body as he steps around you, finally kicking off his long forgotten second shoe before walking further into the apartment to head towards the kitchen.

And listen, it wasn’t that you were necessarily concerned so much with the pan. Sure the two of you had purchased it together during the first few weeks of talking. Carmen cooked breakfast with it every Tuesday morning and showed you how to care for this damn pan. It was the closest you two came to owning a pet just… In the form of a nine inch cast iron skillet. You were more curious if he would care. A simple way of testing the waters to see if he just cared about getting laid or still cared about you. The answer should have been obvious but you still had to know.

You follow behind him and wince at the stream of expletives that easily fall from his tongue at the sight of the pan in the sink. It wasn’t horrible but wasn’t ideal. “Y’know, crazy thing is I’m pretty sure I can guess who did this. They kept trying to convince me cast iron wasn’t any different from a standard pan no matter how many times I tried convincing them that just wasn’t the case.” He’s grumbling to himself while crouching down to fish out supplies from under the sink, easily navigating your apartment from memory. The two of you had bounced between your places and talked about moving in together once his lease was up. Going as far as touring a few locations but the conversation was long forgotten once the tensions started building.

As much as Carmen claims he didn’t see it coming, he resigned his lease almost two weeks before the break up officially happened.

You hop up onto the counter next to the sink and watch as Carmen gets to work restoring your pan. “Think it's gonna make it through? I can't believe this is how it might end for the poor thing. All because I wanted to make your chicken piccata.” A few of his recipes had stuck with you and sometimes you find yourself making them when you’re missing him extra at night.

“Nah, it’ll be fine. Just some surface damage s’all.” You watch as the muscles in Carmen’s arm move with the scrubbing motion, your lips itching to kiss over every exposed tattoo. Snap out of it! This is just sex between two consenting adults trying to let off some steam. That’s all. You’re both just comfortable and it would take way too much effort for someone random like Jonathan to learn what you like.

Carmen catches you staring at him, not that you were being subtle about it, and feels heat blooming in his chest. He grabs one of your kitchen towels and gives the skillet a good pat down before sitting it upside down to dry off. It’s not perfect, not yet at least, but he’s pretty sure he’ll explode if it takes any longer to finally get his hands on you.

“You look pretty tonight.” He’s coming to stand between your knees, reaching up to you with the hem of your skirt as you hum out a small “Thank you.” It seems like every time you see him lately you forget just how blue his eyes are. So easy to get lost in them especially from this close. Your hands come up to gently trace the features of his face. Just the ghost of a touch but Carmen’s soaking up the affection. He tilts his head in order to press a kiss to your palm.

His hands are dragging up your thighs, feeling the material of your tights under his touch. “Know how much you hate wearing these.” Your heartbeat is picking up so much it’s making you jittery, hands wrapping around the edge of the countertop to grip it as hard as you can. Keeping yourself steady. “Help me take ‘em off?” You arch your hips up off the counter as an invitation for Carmen. He’s wasting no time grabbing ahold of the waistband and dragging them down your body, groaning to himself as inch by inch your skin gets exposed to him.

Neither of you miss the way you press your thighs together once they’re freed, hips twitching in anticipation. The tights are getting tossed across your apartment and left to be tomorrow’s problem. Carmen falls to his knees in front of you, letting them dig into the harsh tile of your kitchen while in pursuit of making his mark on you. He’s grabbing ahold of your ankles, bringing one of your legs over his shoulder while the other is brought up to his lips.

Your eyes fall closed as Carmen starts trailing a string of delicate kisses along the length of your calf. His lips ghosting across your knee until he reaches the fleshy part of your thigh. While your hands finally escape the countertop and find their way laced into Carmen’s hair, he wraps his lips down against your thigh to start sucking a small bruise into your skin. “Carmy,” You hiss out, “What if I see Jonathan again? How am I gonna explain these?” But you’re not pulling his head away, instead doing quite the opposite by keeping his head in place.

Carmen practically growls against your skin, a low and guttural sound coming from the man. His grip on you tights while he mumbles against you, “Fuck Jonathan.” You scrub your fingers against his scalp as Carmen finds another patch of skin on the opposite thigh to begin sucking a bruise into. His head ducking lower and lower under your skirt, the material finally getting you to pull your hands away from him.

Against all better judgment your thighs fall more open as he works his way down your thighs. There’s a series of small moans and whimpers coming out of you with no control as he reaches the top of your thigh, his nose dragging along the cloth covering your core. “D’you wear these for him? Or did you put them on knowing you’d end up texting me.” It’s impossible to answer when you feel his tongue drag along you, your hips rocking up towards his mouth. He’s bringing his hands up under your skirt now too and grabbing handfuls of where your thighs meet your hips to hold you down in place.

“They’re purple, aren’t they?” A color Carmen had long ago decided he liked best on you. Something about the way the color compliments your skin… In all honesty, you were pretty sure he had purchased the exact pair you were wearing. You started the night with no intention of your date getting anywhere near your bed but instead being under the frame of the man who was exactly where you wanted him.

He guides you to scoot you closer towards the edge of the counter, making sure you’re comfortable before mouthing over you once again. Hot, open mouth kisses being pressed almost exactly where you need them. One of his hands comes around your frame to grab a handful of the fleshy part of your ass while the other hooks a finger into your underwear, pulling the material to the side to expose you.

There’s cool air being blown against your overheated body and your hands fly back to clutch at his back, his neck, the hair that’s exposed from under your skirt. Whatever inch of him you can find is being clung to like a lifeboat. He’s kissing the skin where your thigh meets your center, lips ghosting along the outer side of your folds. It only takes a few more pathetic whimpers before he finally takes pity on you and you feel his tongue go flat at the base of your hole, dragging up long and slow all the way to your clit.

He groans into your core and the vibrations make you start to lose your mind. “Fuck. Fuck!” Carmen’s got your clit between his lips now, bobbing his head just slightly while he goes right to sucking on the sensitive bundle of nerves. If you didn’t want to be teased then he’d give you everything you wanted. One of his hands comes up under his chin now, a finger pressing into your tight entrance as his tongue works to lap at your clit, your folds, even dipping into you whenever his finger pulls all the way out.

A second finger slides into you while his attention focuses back to making out with your clit. You can’t keep track of the way he alternates between kissing and licking at you while his fingers push in as deep as he can get them. “So good, Baby.” Baby. It comes out of you by force of habit and it makes him twitch in his boxes. If you weren’t so drunk on him you probably would have started overthinking but he’s making sure your focus is on nothing else but his mouth for now. Carmen’s chin is slick with everything you’re giving him as he eats you out as if he’s a dying man and this is his last source of solace in the world.

“C’mon Honey.” He’s cooing against you, fingers crooked just how he knows you like it. There’s sloppy licks being delivered to your clit as his fingers pump in and out. His hand finally leaves it’s grip on your ass to apply a gentle pressure to the top of your mound, pressing down against the flesh to add yet another sensation. “Can feel how tight you’re getting. You wanna come for me so bad, don’t you? Be good for me.”

Your hands fist around Carmen’s hair, hips rocking up against him and it doesn’t take long for an orgasm to wash over your body. You seize up at the feeling, thighs clamping around Carmen’s head as he licks you through it. He’s only giving you a moment to recover when you feel his fingers slide out of your sensitive body and he can’t help but go back to licking out the mess you’ve made.

“Gonna fuckin’ kill me, Carmen.”

He’s smirking against you but taking the hint. Your thighs shaking as he pulls back from under your skirt, taking a moment to appreciate the handiwork that was the bruises covering your thighs while you take a moment to recover. The way your pussy looks so pretty covered in the mixture of your arousal and his spit. Carmen can’t help himself but to swirl his thumb around your clit, your hips jolting up as you reach out to grab ahold of his wrist. “Need a minute please.”

Carmen nods and stands up, wasting no time making work of unbuckling his belt. You collect your thoughts well enough to start unbuttoning his jeans for him, letting your fingers linger on his jean clad hardened length. “You, uh -” You won’t meet his eye, opting instead to start pulling his pants down his toned thighs. “You still okay not using a condom?” A roundabout way of saying ‘I’m clean, are you?’. Carmen nods as if it’s the most insane question in the world. Even if he’s not with you anymore, it’s still only you for him for as long as he can see coming. “No one but you.”

You can’t meet his eye, a wave of guilt washing over you concerning your earlier date with Jonanthan that quickly gets pushed away when Carmy grabs ahold of your jaw and brings you in for a haphazard kiss. Mindless, heavenly kissing. The two of you getting lost in the way your tongues know just how to navigate one another while your hand slides into his boxes and begins lazily

“Gotta fuck you or I’m gonna cum on your hand like a fuckin’ teenager.” You giggle into his mouth but slide yourself off the counter nonetheless. Giving him one more tender kiss before turning around to bend yourself over the counter. It’s not the most gracious process but you’re tugging your shirt over your head on the way down, pitching it somewhere else to deal with later.

He’s looking at every inch of you. Underwear still pulled to the side, the way the lace of your bra looks against your back. Memorizing every detail he possibly can just in case you wise up and stop letting him come over to defile you like this at night.

Carmen is dragging the head of his cock through your folds, tapping it against your clit while you whine and rut back against him. The weight of his jeans and belt resting heavy against his ankles and keeping him grounded enough to not spill his load before he even makes it inside of you. You weren’t used to taking him all the time anymore, a thought Carmen can’t dwell on, so he goes inch by inch and gives you time to adjust to the girth of him. He was thicker than anyone you’d been with before and every random hookup together lately reminds you of the first time you felt him stretch you out.

It burns in the best way possible and he’s so tender while you get adjusted. Waiting until you start fucking yourself against his length to take that as his sign you were finally ready for him. Carmen still starts slow, a teasing pace of pulling himself nearly all the way out before sinking right back in. “Pussy’s like heaven.” It makes you oddly proud to hear him call that out. To know you still have an affect on him after all this time.

“Think about fuckin’ you all the time.” He’s picking up speed now, “Think about how good you feel stretched around me. Such a good slut for me, aren’t you? Bending over and practically begging for it.” His words, once again, make your head spin. It was a common theme with Carmen. Your fingers lace in your own hair, desperate to grab ahold of something. “Always wanting you to fuck me, Carm. Dream about how good you make me feel.” Like you two were meant to fit together perfectly.

There’s a lewd clapping noise coming from the way your ass smacks against his frame with each deep thrust. Eventually your arms give out, torso falling flat against the shockingly still cool countertop while Carmen fucks into you for all he’s worth. A firm slap is being delivered to your ass that causes you to yelp out, rolling your hips back against him at the same time as an act of encouragement.

His mind is taken up with how good you feel. You’re perfectly stretched around him and leaking out around his base. So wet, so beautiful, so perfect. There’s a hand sliding up your back until it’s fisting around your hair, gently tugging at it and the new sensation has these pornstar worthy moans escaping you. Your loud and needy brain is completely empty as Carmen destroys you the way he knows how.

“D’you think about me fucking you while you were sitting across from some asshole all night? Poor little pussy almost got fucked by someone who doesn’t know how to treat it.” His words are so casually spoken with just the right amount of bite that it’s causing your brain to melt. Jonathan didn’t stand a chance of getting within two feet of your panties, just another mindless date in your series of attempted ways to ‘get over Carmen’ which clearly wasn’t going well. He bottoms out in you, every inch of his length pressed as firmly as he can into your core. It’s so much, so full and he’s got you pinned in place. Unable to do anything but be used by him, just how you both know you love to be. “Or did you go just to make me jealous? Put on your slutty little panties and went to dinner knowing you’d text me to come fuck you tonight.”

He’s grinding his hips into you on the impossible quest to get even deeper. It’s possessive, claiming, and you’d probably even be a little annoyed by his behavior if you were in a better state of mind. For now you’re bent over the counter with bruises blooming all over your thighs and enjoying an odd jealous streak coming from someone who, technically, has no right to be jealous. It’s making you feel dizzy and your heart throb and your pussy clenching around him. “You gonna keep talking or you gonna fuck me, Carm? ‘Cause if not I’ll call him to finish the job.”

You liked riling him up.

Another sharp smack is being dealt to your ass when Carmen starts to pick the pace back up. His hands are tight on your hips and his pace is brutal. There’s grunts coming from behind you that are making your head spin and if you were more coherent you’d be a bit more embarrassed about the drool sliding from the corner of your mouth as your boyfrie-….. Well, as Carmen takes care of you. He’s admiring the bloom of his handprint on your skin, brushing his hand along it before pressing firmly down to help soothe the buzzing sting of pain.

He wasn’t fucking you as often, didn’t have you nearly as well trained anymore. These bi-weekly meetings are not doing nearly enough for your body. He used to be able to fuck you right through an orgasm and you’d keep going. So used to him working your oversensitive clit to his liking. Now you whine while grabbing his wrist and whimper out pleas for him to give you a few minutes. He hates not knowing your body as well as he used to even if he still knows you pretty damn well.

So when he feels you getting closer, he’s taking note. Keeping his pace exactly the same and letting his hand crash down against the tender flesh of your ass again. “You gonna give me another? C’mon, Honey. Can feel how bad you need it.” And you do. God you need every orgasm you’re lucky enough to get from him.

Your hips buck and twitch and you let out a series of uncontrolled moans as your orgasm starts to wash over your body. If Carmen wasn’t between your legs then your thighs would have snapped shut while your toes curled and your heart started beating faster. You could practically hear it beating in your own ears. “S’good, so good. Thank you, thank you. Shit, thank you.” A mess but you couldn’t judge yourself.

Carmen’s pulling out when he’s close after just a few more strokes, frantically jerking off his length to keep the sensation going. You’re rolling your hips back and riding out the waves of your own orgasm, glancing back over your shoulder to catch a glimpse of Carmen with his head tossed back and brows knitted together in concentration. “Come on me, Baby. Wanna feel every drip on my skin. Maybe I’ll let you take a picture of it dripping down all the pretty bruises you gave me.”

That’s all it takes for him to come undone. Warm spurts of cum landing along your back, your thighs, some of it dripping down your folds. The feeling is pulling wanton moans from your mouth that send Carmen into orbit. God, he doesn’t want to come back down to Earth. Collecting his breath and trying to keep himself upright while the aftershocks of his orgasm wrack through his body. How was he supposed to stay away from you when it felt like this? Especially when you just kept calling him baby.

He stopped cumming inside of you since the breakup. It made sense, kinda. But you hated it. Felt like a waste even though you wouldn’t overstep and ask for him to go back to finishing inside of you. He would, by the way. Without a second thought he’d bury himself in until he couldn’t go any further and fuck his cum into you as deep as possible.

You feel a finger swiping up some of his cum off your backside and soon enough it’s pressed to your lips. Without a second thought you take the digit into your mouth, swirling your tongue around it while licking him clean. He wants some of it inside of you one way or another. A subtle way of still putting his claim on you.

The two of you take a moment to recover after Carmen pops his finger out of your mouth. His hands are running a circuit up and down the side of your thighs and torso, still enjoying the view of your body relaxed against the counter in front of him. The tile was starting to become painful as your stomach bent over it but you couldn’t bring yourself to move just yet. You didn’t fully trust your legs to support your weight without the counter for support.

Carmen’s rustling around behind you now. Reaching down to pull up just his boxes but kick his jeans the rest of the way off finally. He’s not ready for the stimulation of such a heavy material against his sensitive skin yet. There’s a clattering from the sink area as he retrieves another towel to get wet for you and a cup to fill with water. Your eyes feel heavy. Mind’s at ease having Carmen around again, not that you’ll admit it, and your body feeling languid after being fucked so well.

There’s a glass of water being sat in front of you. “Drink.” So you prop yourself up on your elbows and nurse small sips of the water while the cool rag gets to work wiping down your backside from the mess he made. His fingers ghost along the tender flesh of your ass where he was spanking, “Feeling alright?” You hum into the cup, giving him a small waggle of your behind to reassure any concerns he had.

He gets you cleaned up in silence, letting the both of you enjoy the simple moment. Carmen always prided himself on taking care of you. There’s warm hands, still damp from cleaning you up, rubbing up the sides of your torso before wrapping around the tops of your shoulders. His hips rub along your backside and you just feel so warm, so safe like this. “We gotta get you to bed.”

You just sigh and scrub your hands over your face. A beat of silence passes while you collect your thoughts. “Carm, I don’t think I can stand up.” Your legs are still slightly shaking and your mind has yet to catch up with your body.

Laughter’s coming from behind you as he delivers a playful swat to your ass. “C’mon I’ll get you there.” This feels so simple. You find yourself questioning why the two of you even broke up to begin with when the good moments were this good. Easy, content, safe. Would you ever be able to find this again? Would he?

He’s grabbing ahold of your waist while pulling you back into his chest. Your head falls back against his shoulder and Carmen allows his lips to once again find your exposed neck. A series of gentle kisses being placed as his arms snake tighter around your body. “Still feeling okay?” You let out a content hum and allow yourself to be held by him. “Feel better than I have all week. Thank you, Carm.” You feel him smile against your skin as he places another delicate kiss. “Always.”

The two of you stay intertwined until Carmen starts to encourage the shuffle towards your bedroom. He makes sure you get cleaned up and ready for bed. Brings you one of your sleep shirts while you brush your teeth and tries to not overthink when you offer him a toothbrush of his own because you just so happened to have an extra. Gives you privacy when you complain about needing to pee and you find it odd there’s a tug at your chest when he ducked out of the room. Part of you hated being that couple who left the door open or used the restroom while the other showered, yadda yadda. It was a sign of comfort and the door being pulled shut behind Carmen was a sign that comfort was long gone.

Not that you cared. Totally didn’t care at all.

He’s going to just tuck you in at first until you’re clutching at his frame and pulling him into bed next to you. Carmen never could say no when it came to you, especially when he feels his back sinking into your soft bed and your warm body curling up along his side. He should go. Get home before it’s too late and try to get some sleep. He’s already planning on getting to work early to avoid having too much free time to think about tonight in detail.

But his clothes feel so far away and the long day is starting to finally hit him. You can practically hear him thinking over his options and your breathing starts skipping as you feel him begin to pull away.

“Carmen.” Your grip on his chest tightens and it pulls directly at his heart. Since this whole… Situation started he never stayed the night when your meetings would run this late. Always picking his clothes up out of piles on the floor and mumbling something about needing to get home to get stuff together from work. You never asked him to stay anyway. Neither of you knew if that would make an already weird and complicated situation even worse.

But tonight was different.

There were hints of a storm in the distance you start telling yourself. If you focused you could hear thunder, somewhere, out there and you just wanted Carmen safe for his sake. That’s all. So you pathetically cling to him and hope you don’t kick yourself out of embarrassment in the morning. It takes just a moment of him looking down at you to understand what you can’t say and he’s giving you a little nod in response. His arms wrap around your shoulders, leaning in to press a kiss to the top of your head. Kissing every inch of you had to be one of his greatest pleasures in life.

“Remind me to season that skillet in the morning.”

‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊✮‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊

Carmen, shockingly, sleeps through the night. The warmth of your body next to him coupled with your excellent sleeping experience. A comfortable bed with good pillows, a white noise machine in the corner of your room (the ice maker in the fridge at Carmy’s would constantly go off so you got used to sleeping with background noise to cover it up), it was the best night of rest he’s had in months.

Your sheets smell like home.

He’s slowly waking up now and his first thought is how much he misses the weight of your breast in his hand. Second thought is how much he needs to pee but damn your bed is comfortable.

Carmen allows his body to wake up slowly. Stretching his arms out above his head and letting out a satisfied grunt at the feeling of his well rested muscles. Blinking his eyes awake just enough to take in the sight of all the trinkets and items that covered your space. There’s some things he notices that he knows for a fact he purchased you. Bottles of perfume, books you keep telling yourself you need to read, cups you constantly forget to bring back into the kitchen until you’re fully out of them.

Did you keep any of the pictures? Photo strips from Navy Pier and the holiday market at Wrigley Field. Everything from the disposable camera you brought along on road trips and vacations. The polaroids that once littered a cork board in your living room that the two of you added pictures to so often. If he looked around enough would he find them tucked away safely in a box or did you pitch them when you knew the two of you were through.

Carmen still has one. You took most of them while you packed up your things from his place and refused to let him carry any of the boxes downstairs. So stubborn, so full of hurt pride. He just spent most of the day trying to stand out of your way but always available in case you finally admitted that you needed help. Maybe a small part of him hoped that as you packed up so many memories it would trigger a ‘What are we doing?’ reaction and you’d go running into his arms.

You never did.

But you did take one trip down to your car with an overstuffed Ikea bag over your shoulder and balancing a box on your hip. Carmen knew he didn’t have long, and it kind of felt like stealing, but he rushed over to the box you just started packing up and rifles through the photos as fast as he possibly could. It took a moment of digging before there it was. A polaroid photo someone took of the two of you on New Year’s Eve. You’re wearing some cheesy headband and he has those tacky sunglasses on that show off the incoming year on them. His arms are wrapped low around your waist as he stands behind you, one of your hands resting on top of his while the other is reaching up and back to cup his jaw. You’re both grinning and laughing in the photos and nothing bad has happened yet.

He hears you shuffling back up the stairs so he’s quickly throwing the box back together after sliding the photo into his pocket and rushing back to stand in the kitchen. Acting like nothing was happening. You didn’t even look over at him so it wasn’t like he had to put up much of a show anway.

It’s still safely tucked into his wallet.

The sound of the front door opening and hushed whispers are finally pulling him from his half asleep, reflective state. It looks like this day is getting started if he wants it to or not. He’s tilting his head to press it into the pillow underneath him, allowing one last deep inhale to remind himself exactly what your scent smells like before forcing his body to be pushed out of your bed.

Carmen turns the corner in just his boxer briefs and you’re not convinced you aren’t still dreaming because fuck he looks good. His hair’s a mess from the combination of you playing with it all night and him sleeping so well. One of his hands is scratching low on his hips while he takes in the sight of you in the kitchen.

Maybe he shouldn’t be so comfortable walking around your apartment half dressed still but God is this relationship situation getting messier since the day since the two of you reconnected.

“Ordered some breakfast from Yolk. Figured you were hungry and I’m sure you have to run off this morning but I uh-…. I just wanted to make sure you were fed.” You nod to yourself. Giving him an out as you start popping open food boxes. There was just over an hour until you had to get to work too so there were multiple excuses possible for this morning to end as early as it needed to.

In an odd, roundabout, time to head back to therapy kind of way it almost feels like you’re dating your ex.

“Yeah.” He nods to himself and desperately wishes he had deodorant, cologne, fuck even Axe body spray. Something to make himself smell better or feel more presentable for you. “Richie actually tried installing fuckin’ bidets to the toilets last night. Kept on running his mouth about how prestigious they are and he, obviously, doesn’t know how to install bidets. So the bathrooms are a little-“ He waves his hands through the air.

“Shitty?”

Second questionable pun you’ve made lately. Pull it together.

There’s a breathy little laugh coming out, “Yeah, shitty.” Carmen’s peeking over your shoulder as you plate up breakfast, sneaking a piece of bacon from under your arm before pressing a kiss to the top of your ear. “Thank you for ordering this.”

You nod and try to pretend you didn’t stop breathing having him so close to you under the soft morning light.

He leaves $60 tucked under a vase on your dining table to cover breakfast.

————

11:52 am

[DO NOT ANSWER]: Richie put his foot down and we’re stuck getting the bidets

[DO NOT ANSWER]: If you’re wondering how my day is going

12:17 pm

Shockingly my day is much less toilet related. I hope it’s going well.

4:39 pm

[DO NOT ANSWER]: I know so much about bathrooms now

————

You laugh a little too loud as the alert illuminates your phone. There’s a fond tugging at your heart as the ‘normal’ conversations fills your chat history instead of the short “My place tn” or “I still can’t find my jacket. You have to have it”. Maybe saving him as do not answer seemed too harsh but having his contact show up as a photo of you two cuddled up with the Chicago skyline in the background, an innocent and horrifically cheesy “Baby Boy 💙” contact name modeled after Richie saying you baby him too much one night. Every time it flashed across your screen and Richie saw he gave you guys an endless amount of shit. It became a constant bit that none of you got tired of at the time.

You were trying to separate yourself from your past with him as much as possible at first but now those lines just keep getting more and more blurred.

One of your coworkers grabs your attention away from your phone thus leaving Carmen’s message on read. He tries to pretend it doesn’t bother him as he gets to work prepping for tonight’s service. Who wants to talk about bathrooms with their… Fuck buddy? Ex? God that’s still so weird to say.

‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊✮‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊

Your mind was haunted by thoughts of Carmen Berzatto all day.

No matter how many busy tasks you assigned yourself he always seemed to creep back in. You’d look around for him when a joke landed well at work and the group you were with erupted into laughter. Could easily picture his head thrown back as he scrubs over his face in an attempt to muffle the sound. When you were standing alone your mind wandered off to the way he treated you last night. So claiming. Expertly working your body the way only he could after so much time of getting to know it.

The bed feels so much

You throw the blanket away from your frame and watch as it bundles up beside you. Is this crazy? It feels crazy. You shake out the nerves, fluffing up your shorts and primping yourself for the photo. It takes one, two, seven pictures to get just the right angle. An image of your thighs against the bedding and your oversized sleep shorts bunched up all the way down your legs. Taking a deep breath you steel your spine and pull up Carmen’s contact.

————

11:28 pm

Headed to bed

ONE IMAGE ATTACHED

11:29 pm

[DO NOT ANSWER]: Fuck.

11:31 pm

Goodnight Carmen <3

2:12 am

[DO NOT ANSWER]: Can’t stop thinking about you

ONE VIDEO ATTACHED

————

The sun is warm against your skin as it slowly wakes you up. There’s an air purifier rattling in the corner that acts half as white noise while you sleep, half to soak up the smells of Chicago. Sometimes when Carmen’s especially exhausted you have to bring out the big boy and ask your Google home to play sleep sounds to mask him snoring all night. You typically didn’t mind the sound, knowing it’s a sign of just how badly he needed a good night’s rest.

You’re fishing your phone out of the comforter in a haste to click off the horrific sound of the alarm and your eyes are barely open when you see the alert. A preview image popping up and you can just barely a blurry image of - “Holy fuck!”

Your free hand flies up to clamp over your mouth as a mix of gasps and ‘no fucking way’ come out of you with zero control. With shaking hands you open up the video, half tempted to pinch yourself with a video of Carmen fills your screen. His hand rubbing over the bulge in his boxers and there’s a mess of shaky breathing coming from behind the phone. You can’t get the volume turned all the way up fast enough and you’re terrified to miss a single sound.

And there he is.

Fishing his cock out of his boxers and stroking himself for you. Illuminated by the lamp on his bedside table and his hand over lubricated to mimic how wet you get for him. He’s a mess of filthy moans, bucking hips, are you dreaming?

The combination of the sun beating in and the way this video is making your body go hot is too much. You’re overheating, kicking the blankets away from you while your hand goes into your shorts on instinct. Toying with your clit even though you don’t have much time to spare as you watch Carmen get off for you.

————

8:04 am

HEART REACTED TO A VIDEO

Mine tonight?

Fuck you sound so good

Wish I would have been there to clean you up

Say my name more next time please

How am I supposed to go to work now

————

No response. You aren’t surprised, he’s typically busy in the morning.

So you go along your day and let yourself enjoy the thought of Carmen coming back over tonight to take care of you. You had thought letting him back in was a risky move but things seemed fine so far. Settling into the new version of what normal was going to look like. Maybe things would end up being some version of alright after all.

A chirp from your phone catches your attention and you’re instantly uninvested in whatever task was at hand. It might be a little pathetic how excited you were but that is besides the point.

————

10:32 am

[CARMEN]: Busy tonight

————

Busy tonight? Go fuck yourself Carmen!

You waited all morning and THAT’S the response you get? Were the multiple texts too much? Did you come off too clingy? Sure he just stayed the night, was two times in one week where he drew the line?

So you leave him on read and take away the heart from his video. Change his name back to DO NOT ANSWER and instantly feel the urge to get off tonight leaving your body. Replaced by a subtle anger that only he can bring out of you.

The workday seems to go by so much quicker as you have this internal argument with yourself and mentally pick a battle with Carmen. Maybe you were silly to think things would… What? Go back to the way they were? No, of course not.

Ugh!

Carmen who, by the way, truly was slammed. Got stuck hosting an event for an old family friend that he barely knew but was convinced it’d be good for business. He’s overwhelmed by work and anxious with his relationship with you. The breakup was horrific. One of the worst things he’s had to experience so far which certainly says a lot. At the very least - It made sense. This though? Sleeping together, fucking when you have shitty dates and he’s your second choice for the night, taking pictures of dumb things he sees during the day because it made him think of you but never actually sending them, it made zero sense.

If only there was something the two of you could do to figure this whole mess out.

But alas.

You bring home a salad that’s far healthier than anything you’ve eaten all week accompanied by some fresh pressed green juice nonsense you lie to yourself and mentally say is delicious. The boy detox starts now.

The shower you take that night must last an hour. Every inch of your body gets scrubbed, your face and hair both get a mixture of treatments and masks. You primp and polish yourself up and convince yourself that this is all for you and not so you look better than ever and Carmen will have to regret his stupid and shitty ‘Busy tonight’ text because you were also just like so, so busy and -

Fuck Carmen Berzatto.

You decide you could go the rest of your life without hearing from him and be just fine. It was his loss. You’re funny, beautiful, and excellent in the bedroom. There’s thousands of people out there dreaming about finding someone like you!

This internal argument keeps going. And you know what’s annoying? The second you fling yourself into bed you realize he left his scent all over your sheets still. It hasn’t gone away - Cologne mixed with Carmen. And you 100% aren’t hunting out the scent nor are you hunting out a reason to stay annoyed with him. Not at all. So you get back out of bed and grab the fabric freshener to spray your sheets back down with, giving it a minute to dry before falling face first into the mattress with an annoyed huff.

So yeah, fuck him. You hope you never hear from him again and toss your phone on the other side of the bed. Forcing your eyes shut and making your mind go blank because otherwise you’ll stew all night thus continuing this Carmen induced spiral.

————

1:47 am

[DO NOT ANSWER]: Hey

————

Fuck.

#♡: c.b.#carmy berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto x reader #carmen x reader #carmen berzatto x you #carmy berzatto #carmen berzatto smut #carmy berzatto smut #the bear #the bear fic #the bear smut #carmy x reader #carmy smut #carmy the bear #carmy bearzatto x you

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zegrasdrysdale · 9 months

Text

[ wrapped in red ] j. drysdale

day five of malia’s christmas fic marathon

paring : Jamie Drysdale x fem!reader

summary : (Y/N) surprises Jamie with his Christmas gift early when he gets back from a rough east coast roadie at four in the morning

warning(s) : smut ! oral (m receiving), p in v penetration, unprotected sex (pls be careful), whining, light hair pulling, use of pet names during sex

author’s note : this is me trying to catch up w the schedule lmaoo anyway … enjoy (even tho i definitely got a little carried away with it. i was having a moment and let the moment take over)

༺═──────────────═༻

The horn sounds through the TV, signaling the end of the game. The Ducks lost to the Devils at the Prudential Center 4-2, and it was Jamie’s first goal back after missing nearly 30 games. He probably isn’t feeling the best right now.

Yet she knows exactly what would make him feel better. She's sure he will appreciate his Christmas gift a little bit early. She's been excited to give it to him since she got it right after he left for the road trip that has kept him away for a week.

Now might be the perfect time since he might need to relax a little bit. She knows her boyfriend so she knows exactly how to help him relax after a rough roadie. She even tells him that she'll wait up for him to get home so she can surprise him.

ʚ jamie baby ɞ - 10:29 pm flight doesn't leave until midnight so you don't have to stay up for me. i won't home until 4. pls don't be up until 4 in the morning, baby. i'd feel so bad

i love you and i'll see you when you get up in the morning, okay ? i won't be good company when i get home and i don't want to ruin your mood

Her plan doesn't change from Jamie's texts. All it does is tell her that he really isn't in a good mood after the road trip. She can take a four hour nap and be fine by the time he gets home. She needs to be wide awake for when she gives him his gift.

The gift also needs a little prep so she'll sleep until three, drink a cup of coffee to wake her up, then get ready to give Jamie his gift.

She's pretty sure his mood will change real quick, especially since he's been gone for a week. They both are a little desperate at this point.

An alarm is set for three in the morning to give her an hour to do what she needs to do. She only needs an hour to prepare the gift. A cup of coffee, a shower, a shave, hair, makeup, and a small snack isn't going to take more than an hour.

For her nap, she wears one of Jamie's Ducks hoodies because they're insanely comfortable. She sends Jamie a text that says goodnight and for him to have a safe flight.

(Y/N) is shaking with excitement as she lies down in their shared bed for her four hour nap. The look on Jamie's face when he sees what he's getting for Christmas is the only thing that causes her to fall asleep.

The sooner she falls asleep, the sooner the alarm will go off and the sooner Jamie will be home.

She dreams of his reaction.

༺═──────────────═༻

A screaming alarm wakes her from her light sleep. It's still completely dark outside and there's a dim light coming from her phone while the alarm goes off. She turns it off and sits up with a stretch.

(Y/N) feels very refreshed though, and she definitely needed the little nap if she is to make it through the night. She allows herself a few more minutes before she goes and makes a cup of coffee.

While the coffee brews, she tracks Jamie's flight. They haven't landed early so she can still definitely pull off the surprise. The team plane is scheduled to land in a half hour. Then it's baggage claim and a fifteen to twenty minute drive to their apartment in Anaheim.

After coffee and a few pieces of toast with strawberries and Nutella, (Y/N) takes a shower. It's a full shower. She shampoos, conditions, shaves all necessary areas, washes her body, and exfoliates her face.

All while Taylor Swift is playing from the Bluetooth speaker on the sink counter.

(Y/N) loves listening to Miss Swift while she showers. Sometimes she listens to it while showering with Jamie, and he gets very into it. That's Trevor's doing though. Trevor is a bigger Swiftie than she is. Sometimes.

It's quarter to four when (Y/N) gets out of the shower. She checks to see where Jamie is and finds he's still at the airport. His location says he's outside though so he's probably headed to his car. She needs to hurry up if she's going to pull this surprise off.

She wraps herself in a towel and secures it under her arms so she can do her hair and light makeup. She blow dries it until it's pretty much straight then runs the straightener through it a couple of times to make sure there is no wave or curl to her hair.

She puts foundation under her eyes to hide the circles that have formed and all over her face to hide any blemishes. She puts on red lipstick and does a natural smokey eye look.

When she looks at Jamie's location, he's on his way home. There are about ten minutes until he's going to be walking through the door and she still has to go get the actual gift out of the closet. She curses to herself and makes her way back into their bedroom after disconnecting her phone from the speaker and turning off the light.

Inside a box in a closet is the gift. It's a red lingerie set that she tried on once when she was with Jamie. He said he really liked it so when he left for the trip, she went back to the store and bought it.

The sleepwear lingerie is made of lace and mesh. The cups of the nightgown part of the set is made of lace and is practically see through. Below the cups is completely see through. A matching mesh G-string will be worn underneath the sleepwear.

(Y/N) looks in the full length mirror against the wall and finds a hot, confident version of herself. Usually she doesn't dress like this, but it's Christmas so she figured it could be Jamie's gift since he liked seeing this set on her.

Somewhere in the apartment, a door softly opens and shuts with a nearly silent click. She makes a beeline for the bed and turns on the lamp beside the bed so Jamie gets a very good look at her when he opens the bedroom door.

There is a sigh and footsteps that are getting closer and louder. She tries to lay on the bed in a way that Jamie will get a good view of her as soon as the door opens. She has just decided on a position when the door slowly begins to open.

Jamie sticks his head into the room and looks right at the bed. His eyes immediately widen and the door swings completely open. His jaw has dropped to the floor and he nearly drops his bags on the ground.

"I- what-," he stammers. She smiles as he tries to find the words. "I don't understand what's going on here. (Y/N), I thought I said not to-"

"Wait up for you?" she finishes. "I didn't. I woke up at three so I could get ready to surprise my boyfriend since he hasn't been home in a week." She allows her eyes to travel up and down Jamie's body. He's tense but it's hard to miss how tight his pants have gotten at his crotch area. "Maybe put him in a better mood because he seemed very cranky after the game."

He shifts his weight between his legs before he drops his luggage by the door. "I am," he tells her. "I mean, I was. I don't think I am now." His eyes travel over her body. "Holy shit, baby."

She slowly gets up off the bed, making sure to show off every part of the set. Jamie's cheeks get red as he watches her walk up to him. She smiles when she is standing in front of him. "Merry Christmas," she says to him. "Decided to give you your present a little early. You said you liked this on me so I went and got it to wear for you on Christmas but then you had a rough road trip. Surprise."

Jamie's quiet, but she can see that he's trying to hold back. His hands are shaking, itching to touch her. "I don't know what to say," he tells her. "Fuck, (Y/N)."

"How about you don't say anything?" she suggests. Her fingers grasp at the collar of Jamie's game day suit jacket. Slowly, she pushes it off of him and he shivers despite wearing long sleeves under the jacket. "How about I help you relax? Let you enjoy seeing me in this while I suck you off. Promise you won't rip it?" He immediately begins to nod.

His eyes are on her fingers as she works on unbuttoning his shirt. She untucks it from his pants to finish unbuttoning it and her eyes meet his. "I wish I could come home to this after every roadie," Jamie softly admits. "I think I'd score a hat trick if I knew this was waiting for me at home."

(Y/N) undoes his belt without looking at what she's doing. It hits the ground with a soft thud. "I'll see what I can do," she replies. "Maybe if you get a hat trick then I'll be waiting for you like this when you get back." Slowly, she sinks to her knees. She is so thankful that the room has carpet. Her knees are definitely grateful. "I'll be waiting on my knees like this for you."

A soft whine passes Jamie's lips when she pulls his cock out of the confines of his suit pants. "Fuck," he groans as she takes him in one of her hands. She presses soft kisses to his hipbone, trailing closer to his dick.

She licks the bright red tip and swirls her tongue around it, collecting the drop of precome that has already formed. She looks up at him as she takes him in her mouth. Jamie sighs and puts his fingers in her hair to probably keep himself upright. She takes as much of him in her mouth as she can then begins to move her head.

Giving blowjobs has never been something she's been particularly good at, but Jamie has helped her improve her skills since they've gotten together. His reactions and the sounds that come from his mouth let her know if she's doing a good or bad job.

Even if she were to give the worst blowjob in the world right now, she is pretty sure that Jamie wouldn't care.

He's already barely here.

One thing she knows drives Jamie crazy is when she hollows out her cheeks and lightly sucks. She tries it once and Jamie's hips buck forward. (Y/N) knew that was going to happen so she relaxed her throat so he wouldn't choke her with his dick. Jamie lets out a soft groan that's mixed with a whine. Her hands fly to his thighs to let him know to relax.

"Keep doing that and I will come a lot sooner than we would both like, (Y/N)," he warns her. She looks up at him through her eyelashes and sees how flustered he is. His cheeks are bright red and his bottom lip looks like it's been gnawed on. "Fucking eyelashes. Fuck."

She smiles as best as she can around him.

Despite the carpet, her knees do begin to hurt. She glances up at him before pulling off his dick. There is a little bit of lipstick on his hipbone where she kissed him. She smiles and looks up at him.

Jamie slides one of his hands around to the back of her neck and puts his fingers in her hair. She stands up and Jamie drags her in for a filthy kiss. She hums against his lips and pushes the unbuttoned shirt off his shoulders. He lets the fabric fall to the floor around his feet.

"Love being on my knees for you," she mumbles between kisses. "I wanna ride you though."

A whine comes from Jamie's throat after her comment. She smiles and turns them so she can push Jamie onto the mattress.

The kiss breaks and he falls onto his back with a grunt when she pushes him in the direction of the mattress. She pulls off his shoes and socks before pulling his dress pants off. Jamie scoots backward further onto the bed as she pulls off his pants and boxers together.

Jamie's eyes are wide when she crawls on top of him. She straddles his waist and cock. Jamie's hands run up and down her thighs for a second as she leans down and kisses him. This kiss is hungry since she has gone a week without kissing him. She's missed the feeling of his lips against her. It drives her nuts every time he goes away for more than a few days.

There's a light pressure over the G-string that she's wearing under the sleepwear. A soft moan comes from her throat as Jamie's thumb circles her clit over the mesh.

He breaks the hot kiss and she rests her forehead against his. "As hot as this is," Jamie begins to say. "I need to be inside you so either take these off or move them to the side because I'm minutes away from coming and I don't want to make a mess of your new outfit."

(Y/N) quickly sheds the lingerie set until she's completely naked. A smile forms on Jamie's lips before he sits up and attaches his lips to her jaw. Her fingers are in his hair. When he hits the sensitive spot right under her ear, she lightly pulls. His thumb is back on her clit and she whines.

Needing relief, she grabs his dick and lines herself up with him. He looks up at her and she kisses him. It's a softer kiss than the kisses they've already shared tonight, but he licks into her mouth and it intensifies.

Slowly, she sinks down onto him. There's a familiar pressure as he fills her up. "Fuck, Jamie," she mumbles against his lips.

"Feels so good around me, baby," Jamie tells her. "Fuck."

It's only seconds later when he's completely inside of her. Jamie's hands find her waist and she bites at his bottom lip before pulling away.

Their eyes meet and Jamie begins to roll her hips against his. Her lips part and soft pants pass them. Her hands fly to his jaw and she holds on like it's life or death.

It feels so good to be like this. It's rare that Jamie lets her take control in bed but she loves it. Even now, he still has some control while she's riding him. His hands are on her waist and helping her move.

She puts her hands on his chest and pushes him back onto the bed. His head hits the pillows and she speeds up her movements. Rolling turns into bouncing on Jamie's dick.

The room is filled with the sounds of the bed squeaking beneath them and skin on skin. She's letting out quiet moans as she throws her head back and enjoys the feeling of Jamie moving in and out of her at her own pace. Jamie even lets out a soft noise or two.

"Riding me so good," Jamie tells her. "Riding me like the good girl you are. Fuck, baby."

His words alone are enough to make her come, but she holds back until he comes first. He's the one that needs to relax so she's focused on his pleasure first. She'll come when he comes.

Then his thumb is back on her clit and she isn't sure how much longer she can go.

"Want you to come first," she pants. "Jamie."

Jamie pulls her down into a kiss full of tongue and teeth.

She's so close. Her legs are shaking and sore from doing all the work. Her clit is so sensitive and she's worried she'll come.

"Fill me up," (Y/N) says against Jamie's lips. Even her voice is shaky. "Wanna feel you come inside me. Please."

A groan and a whine pass Jamie's lips as he finally lets go. He comes inside of her as soon as she comes back down on his cock. He uses his thumb and pointer finger to play with her clit and it's not long after that when she comes.

White paints her vision and she comes with Jamie's name on her lips. She throws her head back for a second before she collapses onto his chest.

She isn't sure that she's ever came that hard in her life. Her body is spent and her breathing is labored.

When she comes to, she's laying on the bed and the bathroom light is on. Jamie appears from the bathroom with a cloth and he begins to clean her up. She can feel his come running down her legs and it's a little uncomfortable until he wipes it away.

"That was the hottest thing I think I have ever experienced," Jamie admits to her. "I'm so fucking lucky."

"Now I have to get you a new Christmas present," she mumbles. Her voice is already slurred with sleep.

Jamie throws the cloth towards the laundry basket and climbs back into bed. He covers them both with the blanket that will need to be changed in the morning.

"I think that was the best Christmas present ever," he softly tells her. "You can worry your pretty little head about it in the morning. Right now, we're going to go to sleep and sleep in then I'm going to return what you did tonight by fucking you when you wake up."

Oh, she should be wrapped in red more often if this is how Jamie is going to react. Maybe next she can wear one of his Canada jerseys with nothing on underneath and see how he reacts to that.

༺═──────────────═༻

MAIN MASTERLIST

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taglist : @dancerbailey3 @fanboysfangirl @dasiysthings

#hockey imagines #hockey imagine #hockey fanfiction #hockey fic #hockey oneshot #hockey smut #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction #nhl fic #nhl oneshot #nhl smut #jamie drysdale #jamie drysdale x reader #jamie drysdale fic #jamie drysdale smut #malia’s christmas marathon

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lonelystczennie · 4 months

Text

Dating San Headcanons

San x Plus Size Reader

Summary: Headcanons for boyfriend San with a plus size S/o

Warnings: suggestive, mentions of body insecurities,

A/N: Thanks to @bethanysnow for this request! I hope you like it! I had so much fun writing this, I wanna make lists for the rest of the members(and for Skz as well, bc the brainrot is so real rn)!

Masterlist

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

He is like the perfect definition of "boyfriend material".

Like, he’s such a gentleman, always treating you with the utmost much care and gentleness as if you are made out of glass.

He’s soo shy when you first get together, but he quickly becomes a giant teddy bear once you get more comfortable with each other, cuddling/clinging to you every chance he gets. He is always attached to you in some shape or form, hugging you from behind and following you around the house as you’re trying to get things done.

Lowkey little spoon vibes, but with those long ass limbs, it takes a bit of maneuvering for him to fit. He loves when you hold him tho, he feels so safe and comforted in your arms.

He loves kissing you, stealing little pecks every chance he can. When you have more time though, he loves leaving slow, teasing kisses along your lips and face that make you impatient and lean in for more.

Not quite the best cook, but he still tries anyway, bc he likes doing things for you.

Loves buying you little gifts to surprise you with. It could be anything, clothes, jewelry, plushies, or just your favorite drink. If it makes you smile, he’s buying it.

He is just so soft and nurturing, always ready and willing to listen to your problems and worries and offer advice where he can. He wants you to know that he’s always there for you and that you can rely on him.

Doesn’t quite understand when you first explain your body insecurities to him, bc he thinks you’re absolutely gorgeous, but he does his best to reassure you and make sure that you feel as comfortable around him as possible.

Does little things like making sure that there are hoodies and clothes in his closet that fit you, but he never says anything about it.

Makes a point to check in with you extra on days when he knows you’re not feeling great about yourself, and will drop everything to be with you if you need him.

He won’t tolerate you talking/treating yourself badly though. He’s lowkey really protective over you and will not tolerate anyone or anything making you feel uncomfortable or bad about yourself, and that includes your own mind.

Words of affirmation are a major love language for him, so he basically becomes your personal hype man. He’s always calling you some variant of “pretty girl/boy/baby”, beautiful, or gorgeous.

He understands tho that it takes a lot more than just kisses and sweet words to get over personal body issues, but that doesn’t stop him from making the effort to remind you of how beautiful he thinks you are, inside and out.

He’s very big on body worship in bed, kissing and caressing every inch of you that he can reach, whispering praises into your skin. He loves the way you trust him enough to fully let go and fall apart under his touch.

He is an ass man through and through, argue with the wall. Like, he's absolutely obsessed with your ass and thighs. They're just so lush and soft and so perfect for him to squeeze and knead in his hands, he can't get enough of them.

His favorite place to be in the whole world is between your thighs, whether you’re just innocently cuddling or doing other, less innocent things😏.

Gets v sulky and pouty when you don’t pay attention to him, even if it’s just for a few minutes. He always tries his best to give you his full attention whenever you’re together, making a point to even put his phone on do not disturb sometimes, and he expects the same from you.

Overall, he’s just a super sweet and reassuring partner, and I love him v much. Imma go cry now, bye✌

#ateez headcanons #san x reader #san x y/n #san headcanons #choi san x y/n #choi san x reader #san x plus size reader #ateez x plus size reader #ateez x y/n #ateez x reader #san fluff #choi san fluff #lonelystczennie

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activesplooger · 2 months

Text

ʜᴇʟᴘ ᴍᴇ | ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛᴡᴏ | ᴠᴏx x ᴀꜱꜱɪꜱᴛᴀɴᴛ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

Notes: Part two! Im able to pump fics out rlly fast rn bc i recently have wayyy to much free time, but anywho enjoy! (also the consistency of which I put out fics is gonna drop in a week or two when I get busier)! im so bored rn so writing fics is whats keeping me together lol idk what to do with this abundance of free time I need to find something productive ahhh anyways here u go

MDNI

CW: angst, choking, blood, abuse of power Masterpost! Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

”Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”

You search through the broken cabinets of Vox’s office looking for some type of extra head replacement. Eventually, you find a cabinet full of broken TV’s that you assumed were for head replacements.

“Cmon… There’s gotta be at least one…”

Frantically searching through the mass of broken TV’s, you notice the cuts on your hand from all the broken glass you’ve encountered. Blood spilling out through the cuts and dripping onto the floor. You ignore it and keep looking, you’ll deal with the pain later. For now your focus was on saving Vox. An exhale of relief escapes your mouth once you find a miraculously unbroken TV. However, this one looked different from the others… The back was flat instead of having the usual bulk, and the screen was much bigger. ‘This must be one of Vox’s prototypes… Fuck it, it’s all we got.’ you think to yourself.

You grab the TV and lug it over to where Vox is laid. Carefully, you unplug his current broken head and plug the new one in.

“Pleaseworkpleaseworkpleasework…” As you plead, the screen suddenly lights up. The display reads: LOADING… 1% COMPLETE. The loading was painfully slow, only going up a single percent every few minutes. But, you stayed. Part of you felt it was your duty to make sure he was okay… That and your morals weren’t completely gone to where you’d just leave a man to die. You nod off every once in a while, but you’d always jerk yourself awake. ‘Just a little longer… C’mon Y/N, stay awake!’

LOADING… 100% COMPLETE

VOX_EXE

VOXTECH_PROTOTYPE_4

BUFFERING_OW_WHY_AM_I_IN_PAIN

FUCK_MY_LIFE

Vox’s screen lights up, blinking slowly. His face, now with a more flat appearance, glowed black with red eyes and teal teeth. You perk up “Sir?! What happened?! I tho-“ Your boss cuts you off with a hug. Well… this is unusual… You never took Vox for a ‘touchy feely’ person, but it seemed like he really needed it so you didn’t say anything.

The shoulder of your blouse dampens from the sobs of the overlord. He buries himself in your blouse and speaks through choked sobs that were muffled against your skin.

“He- What the fuck did I do wrong…? Y/N… What’d I do..?”

Jesus, Alastor must’ve done a number on him if he got the usually snarky and unfazed overlord to be vulnerable like this. You wanted to pry, get every detail of what happened, but you held back. He would tell you later, right now you just needed to calm him down.

Your bloody hand hesitantly makes its way to his back, rubbing soft soothing circles in an attempt to calm him. Red stained the back of his orange turtle neck as you gently massaged him.

“Shhh shh, it’s okay… It’s okay…”

For the rest of the night, you stayed there with him and let him cry for as long as he needed. Vox was the first to fall asleep, and you followed suit not too long after. The two of you nestled against each other as you napped peacefully.

You don’t know how, but when you woke up, you were in your apartment, tucked into cozy blankets of your bed. Cuts that were left previously untreated on your hands were now bandaged and patched up. ‘Huh… Weird…’. With a shrug, you ignore it and make a mental note to revisit this later. You get ready for the day and put on your work uniform:

A black pencil skirt and white blouse that exposed just a sliver of cleavage. You paired it with stockings and black stilettos to complete the look.

As you came into work, you picked up a large black coffee from the cafe in the lobby of the office building, something you’d do every morning per Vox request.

Knock Knock

“Sir? I have your-“

“Come in.”

Walking in, you see various workers cleaning up the office, sweeping up glass, putting in new furniture, etc. Your boss is standing in front of a large broken window, staring at the streets below him, not bothering to make eye contact with you as he speaks.

“About last night-“ Vox speaks, his tone flat and emotionless.

“Oh, right, I was hoping to talk to you about th-“ Vox raises a hand as a gesture to silence you. You obey and stop speaking.

“Let me finish. About last night, we never speak of that again. You hear me?”

“Okay… I was just-“

A teal blue chain materializes against your neck, choking you as the Overlord pulls on the chain and brings you onto the floor in front of him. You drop his coffee to the floor as your brought to your knees. He looks down and yells, his voice wavering in a deep staticky mess of anger.

“ŁƗSŦɆN ĦɆɌɆ, Ɏ/N. WɆ’ɌɆ NØŦ ǤØNNȺ ŦȺŁĶ ȺɃØᵾŦ ƗŦ, ØĶȺɎ? NØŦ ɆVɆɌ. ĶNØW ɎØᵾɌ FᵾȻꝀƗNǤ ⱣŁȺȻɆ.”

The grip on your chain tightens, a painful reminder of the power roles between the two of you. You gasp for air and grip at the collar in an attempt to pry it off your neck.

“Yes… Sir…” you manage muster out the two words in a breathless voice

The TV demon stares you down for a moment before letting go off the chain. You take a big gasp of air, catching your breath as the chain vanishes into thin air.

Vox’s red eyes flicker to the spilt coffee “Ugh, you dropped my coffee. I have to do ɇvɇɍɏŧħɨnǥ myself, don’t I?!” Vox points at a few of the cleaners in his office “You two!” he demands, “clean up this mess!”. The workers nod nervously and start to mop up the liquid “Yes Mr. Vox.” they chorused. Vox gives you one final stare before leaving the office, presumably to get another coffee.

The chatter of worker demons fills the room as he left, gossiping about the scene that was just laid out before them. You look at them and glare, to which they pretended to keep working. But, you knew as soon as you turned away they would go back to gossiping. Your hands shake in your lap as you stare at the floor. ‘W-What the fuck was that… s-so violating…’. Vox had never abused his power over you before, in fact, up until then you completely forgot that he owned you… The overlord had a reputation for being callous and controlling, but he was never that way with you. That stung, you thought you were different then the other employees, but maybe he saw you as just another soul he owned…

You get home later that night and take a long steamy shower to clear your head. Stepping out, you wrap a tower around yourself and begin to leave, but something catches your eye when you pass your mirror. You back up and stand in front of the mirror, a shaky hand reaches up to your neck. Bruises… Dark purple streaks covered your neck from the brutal choking you received this morning. ‘Shit….’. You sighed and pushed past it, simply putting on concealer the next morning to cover the bruises and try to forget about it.

———————————————————————

Okay hii enjoyyy! slow ass burn ikik it’ll get there! Also Vox’s new appearance once we put on his head, imagine his head from the pilot but with the clothes from his past (orange turtle neck + sports coat). thats how he looks as of now (pilot vox is in the collage at the beginning). anywhoo hope u liked it! lmk if you have suggestions for stuff you wanna see in this fic! Masterpost!

also lmk in the replies if u wanna be apart of a taglist for this series!

#reader x vox #vox x reader #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin vox #vox #vox the tv demon #the vees #vox fanfiction #hazbin fanfic #hazbin x reader #slow burn #angst #ahhhh hope ygs like it #little bit of fluff :)#help me

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urperfectcinnamonroll07 · 6 months

Text

Dating Chishiya Headcanon's

requested?: no pairing(s): shuntarō chishiya x gn!reader, kuina x plationic!reader (mentioned), chishiya x platonic!kuina (mentioned) genre: headcanons warning(s): smutty themes in some parts (will be labeled), fluff, chishiya being whipped (again), mentions of pregnancy, chishiya smiling (:0), not proof read, mentions of alcohol summary: 𝘯/𝘢 word count: 2.1k a/n: had this in my mind for a while now, depending on how long this takes for me to right (edit:took 2 days, but i will try and do a mingyu fluff) i might not post the mingyu fluff tonight, but i will try. make sure you eat and drink something! stay safe, love yas, mwah

Pre Borderlands

oki dokes, i feel like this beautiful smexy ass man defo wouldn’t show a lot of love

especially if you both met through being doctors in training

he would try to act professional

but at home

jeesh

whole diff story there babes

i feel like he would also be quite smug with you

like the typical loving banter

definitely teases you aswell

study sessions together (if you work in the same field as him)

if not, you both do spend time together by studying (if you study for something)

but again, if not, you admire him while he studies

now

this man is a hard worker, so he will forget things, like eating properly and drinking

so you deliver food for him at work

or you eat together on break

you two also joke about the apple a day

an apple a day keeps the doctor away yk

not him tho, he’s locked in for life honey

also has a lot of stress, so if he opens up, you better listen

it takes him a while to open up to someone yk

but he also will need a lot of help with his stress

at first he doesn’t mind cuddles that much, if anything he finds them slightly worthless

“why would someone just want to… lie there, with their arms around someone?”

“because, shiya, it’s romantic, now cuddle me please”

after a while, he will get used to it, and just cuddles you to sleep every night

even if he comes home late after a shift

and he finds you already asleep, having tried to wait for him

he gets changed and cuddles into you

defo a case of you fell first but he fell harder

i don’t really think he would want kids at first

but as he falls more deeply into love, he would defo change his mind

definitely very passionate and loves you dearly

not into pda or physical touch at all, but will use acts of service and words of affirmation as a love language

you most likely have tried his doctor coat one more than once

he acts all annoyed, but really he had butterflies in his stomach

definitely thinking that he wants to put a ring on your finger

iF yOu LiKe It ThEn YoU sHoUlD pUt A rInG oN iT (see what i did there hehe)

definitely so in love with you

absolutely whipped may i say

NSFW

passionate with fucking

he definitely likes to look down where his cock splits you apart

praise, but also degrading

with his work comes a lot of stress, so he likes to take it out on you

maybe when you go to take him lunch sometimes he’ll fuck you over his desk in his office if it’s a particularly stressful day

bends you over a lot

i feel like missionary or having you bent over is his fav position

probably won’t be into quickies that much

but when he is in a rush to get to work, but you look extremely fuckable, expect him to be late

or have an extremely quick round

i feel like he can be really soft and sensual, but when he wants to be, really rough and degrading

body worship

i also feel like he won’t mind if you want to try something out

or if you want to be dom

is quite open to experimenting

nothing that he knows will hurt you tho

hes a doctor

he cares about you, so he will definitely have set up a safe word system

always makes sure what he is doing is ok

on the other hand, if he is rough

he will barely ask

he knows it’s okay though

he will ask for you permission

but as soon as he gets into it, he won’t ask

he’ll just fuck

he isn’t that vocal in bed

a few groans here and there

but nothing much

if you make more noise, he’ll probably smirk against your neck as he fucks you good

he knows what he’s doing is good when he makes you cum over and over again

aftercare is the best

running you a bath and bathing together

being warm with your naked bodies pressed together

probably leads to another round on some nights tbf

but will massage the shampoo and conditioner into your scalp

he knows how to treat you well after all

Borderlands

if you two went into the borderlands together, you would already know eachother

he would want to protect you as well as he can

he knows when you’re lying about being injured

so he will help treat your injuries

he’ll be even more protective now

especially when niragi is around

he doesn’t show much love for you around anyone

in that way it shows he doesn’t have a weakness

and then people won’t torture you in response to that

so you respect him in that case

he is weak for you

he really doesn’t like seeing you hurt or in pain

so he does try his hardest to help you

he doesn’t want to see his precious little baby suffer, y’know

on the other hand, if you met in the borderlands, he probably didn’t take much of a liking to you at first

probably met through kuina at the beach

being such good friends and all

if you’re more of a party animal, he would look out for you

if you become friends after a while

also the same kind of dynamic

you fell first he fell harder

he would be very protective over you

power couple

you probably have playful banter

still not much into pda

links into what i said about niragi using you as a weakness for him

will be very romantic inside the safety of his bedroom tho

if he sees a creep looking at you, he would probably use his doctor knowledge to scare them away

i feel like the love confession would’ve come from you

kuina was probably off somewhere drinking her weight in alcohol

and you would’ve probably been tipsy

and then it just kinda spilled from you as he was talking about his doctor stuff

“that’s so funny shiya… y’know what else is funny?”

“what sweets?”

“i’m in love with you”

one thing probably led to another and you were in his bed(room) for the rest of the night

if it were more a golden retriever black cat relationship, you would be the one making allies/friends

he probably just glares at the person in the background

i feel like in the jack of hearts game, he would be dead serious

if you joked about death at any point, he would just shake his head while standing there

he would also scold you a little bit and tell you not to joke around about that kinda stuff

you, kuina and him would be such an iconic trio, chishiya with his wits, kuina with her strength and you with your charm (you can chose if you don’t like that)

you would probably be the only one who knows about him before the borderlands

and you comforted him

you didn’t really care about what he had done

NSFW

again, i feel like he would be soft and sensual

although i feel like he would be more into quickies now

definitely missionary as his fav position

he just loves to watch where your bodies connect, yk

still a shit ton of praise from him

and if he saves you during a game, you would insist on giving him a blowjob

he would probably try to turn it down tho

but you insist, so he lets you

when you do have time though, he will fuck you senseless

making sure you can’t walk properly the day after

he also likes watching you ride him, being all cocky as he holds your hips while you bounce up and down onto his large cock

he would be so fucking cocky when he hears your moans for the first time

“is my cock so big baby? you think you can take it? huh”

“ngh, shiya, gonna cum”

he’s definitely got a big dick, never mind his height (i’m literally the same height as him lmao)

hes just our short king yk

but hes good in bed

yk that stereotype that doctors are really good at sex because they know all about the human body?

yeah, i thoroughly believe that that’s chishiya’s sex life in a few simple words

fight me

literally fight me

he defo likes degrading, but in his own personal chishiya way, yk

i also feel like he would like to eat you out icl (when he has time ofc)

and swallowing your cum

keeping on going and overstimulating you

just to get you worked up for his cock

he would also like to see you suck on his cock like his good little girl you are

i will write fics and drabbles about this, i swear on it

i also feel like he would be into jealous sex

like not letting you touch him while he sucks your clit

maybe tying your hands above your head

fucking you until your begging him to stop

but he won’t because you haven’t used your safe word yet

maybe he sees another guy flirting with you

so he drags you to his room and fucks you

and if the guy is in earshot he makes sure that he can hear your oh-so pretty moans

makes you scream while your impaled on his cock to get the guy to back off

at the end of the day he loves you and wants the best for you

even if the best thing for you is screaming and creaming all over his cock

Post-Borderlands

i fully believe in the theory that chishiya remembers the borderlands

so when he wakes up, his first thought will probably be you

even if you don’t remember him at all, he would enjoy falling in love with you all over again

but if you were like a sunshine person, he would love your energy fr

he would js wanna fall in love with you again (not that he ever fell out of it)

but if we believe in the fact that he doesn’t remember the borderlands

he would so fall in love with you all over again

if you two were in the same hospital room

you two would probably talk every day

and he would grow to love you

even if he didn’t at first

after a few months of being out of the borderlands (or out of hospital, you choose)

he would probably take you on a date

cute little restaurant

he has that doctor money ykyk

sugar daddy fr

would defo want to settle down and start a family with you

if you have been dating for a few months by then

he would ask you to move in with him

you would ofc say yes (who wouldn’t, its chishiya mate)

i feel like as a father, he would be such a good dad

girl dad fr

he wouldn’t care the gender tho

he would make sure with their upbringing, he was the best dad

made sure they were healthy and that

also during the pregnancy, he would do all of the stuff you needed to do (if you get pregnant)

like lift heavy things

cook

clean

wash the dishes

wash the clothes

etc etc

would have his hands all over your baby bump

kiss it

probably not talk to it (its still chishiya babes)

all that romantic shit fr

or if you adopt, he would love the kid all the same

even if he isn’t the bio dad

he would still love his kids (i will write smt with dad chishiya at some point, dw)

and you

he would love you more that the moon and stars combined

NSFW

i think you know what imma say here

soft and sensual

definitely has more time

so he would like to eat you out

overstim you

like looking down at you while you suck his cock

all that jazz (or should i say jizz😉)

loves fingering you

i stand by what i said with him being good at sex with his doctor abilities

still stands for jealous sex

i feel like he would try to memorise all the parts of your bodies that you love being touched and makes you feel the best

he just wants his baby to feel the best

i feel like he would really like to keep your hands above your head while he fucks you

he likes to hear your moans (if your children ain’t home, we don’t wanna traumatise em today)

but yeah

he loves you so much and would to anything for you at the end of the day

#alice in borderland #chishiya x reader #chishiya fluff #chishiya smut

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buckyispunk · 11 months

Text

Better Man

Alcoholic!Joel Miller x Reader

masterlist

Summary: Falling in love with Joel Miller is heaven. It's leaving him and forcing yourself to move on that's hard. Inspired by Taylor Swift's "Better Man."

A/N: Very angsty, please don't read if you're not a fan of heartbreak! Huge shoutout to one of my fav authors, @macfrog, for the beta!

Warnings: alcoholism, smoking (cigarettes), Joel yelling and throwing things (he never hurts reader tho), Joel being mean, littering (just for the sake of the fic, please don’t in real life), idrk what else lmk if I'm missing anything please

Word Count: 2.2k

All lyric credit goes to T-Swift!!

Rain beats down against your car window. You watch water droplets roll down the glass. You’ve got the radio on, waiting for the storm to let up so you don’t get soaked on the walk into your apartment. A glint of red from the passenger side floor catches your eye. A carton of Marlboro cigarettes - Joel’s cigarettes. How long had they been there?

You’re walking into the bar with your friends when you see him for the first time, cigarette hanging between his lips. He’s leaning up against the brick wall, clad in faded jeans and a worn flannel. His grey hair is curling at the ends. He takes the cigarette between two fingers and pulls it from his mouth. His broad chest expands as he inhales deeply before blowing a cloud of smoke past his pink lips. Grey wisps linger in the humid Texas air as he calls out to you.

“Hey darlin,’” he drops the cigarette and stomps it under a work boot, leaving a black, ashy stain on the concrete beneath. “‘S a nice outfit,” he nods his chin in gesture, “Can I buy you a drink?”

You had spent the rest of that night curled into his arm in a sticky booth seat, discussing childhood crushes, family trauma, and everything in between. The rest, as they say, had been history. Joel had picked you up the next weekend, flowers in hand and nervous sweat on his brow. His southern charm had you falling for him dangerously quickly. Luckily, he was just as head over heels for you - you could tell by the fascination in his eyes as he hung on to your every word whenever you offered up new information about yourself, like he was a starved man and your words were his sustenance.

I waited on every careless word Hoping they might turn sweet again like it was in the beginning

The day Joel asked you to move in with him was one of the best of your life.

You open the door to his house to find him standing in the entryway, bouquet of your favorite flowers in hand. His other hand is clutching something small, concealing it.

“Hey, hon,” he shifts from foot to foot, “How was work?”

“Fine, babe,” you gesture to the flowers, “What’s all this?”

“I-um,” he scrunches his brows and hesitates for a moment, “so, you’re almost always over here already anyway. I want to spend as much time as possible with you. Want you cuddled up with me in our bed every night. Want to come home to you after a hard day at work. Want to be here to take care of you when you have bad days, too. I love you and I guess what I’m askin’, darlin’, is if you’d move in with me?”

He unfurls his other hand, presenting a key. You quirk a brow in surprise.

“Oh my gosh, Joel,” you stare at him in disbelief as his expression turns into one of nerves and anticipation.

“Yes!” you practically screech, excitement flooding your body.

You run over to Joel and wrap your arms around his waist, burying your face into his strong chest. Joel sets the flowers down on the nearest surface and embraces you with one arm. His other hand lowers to slip the house key into your pants’ pocket.

After that, he had carried you upstairs and made love to you. You fell asleep in Joel’s doting embrace as he whispered sweet nothings into your ear. Living with Joel had been everything he’d promised. Until it wasn’t. It had been when he and his crew were working on a particularly rough job that things started to change.

He transitioned from drinking on special occasions or when out with friends to having a beer or two every night with dinner. You didn’t think too much of it at first. It was only when he started downing several glasses of whiskey a night that you got concerned. You asked him about it, wondering why the sudden change. I just need it to help me relax after work, hon. He’d promised you that it wasn’t an issue, this is just a really hard job. He brushed you off every time you’d tried to talk to him about it.

His drinking started to come between the two of you. He would opt to have a beer and watch football rather than spend time or share conversation with you. On nights when there wasn’t a game on, he’d go out to the bar - sometimes with buddies from work, sometimes alone.

He was too tired to take you out, too stressed to do anything more than press a chaste kiss to your lips once in a while. He began to get irritated easily - the two of you found yourself arguing over meaningless things often. It seemed the only time he wasn’t complaining was when he had a drink in his hand. He’d passed out in his recliner watching TV nearly every night during that project. You’d lie in bed and fall asleep waiting for his side of the mattress to dip with his weight, only to wake up the next morning and find him gone for work.

When the project ended and he had some time off, you expected him to lighten up on the drinking. With all the extra time he had, things only got worse. You’d leave for work and he would still be asleep. You would come home every night to find him with a beer bottle in hand and empty ones at his feet.

Talking down to me like I’d always be around Push my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun

One night, you’d tried, for what seemed like the hundredth time, to talk to him about it.

You come home after a long day of work to find Joel snoring in his recliner. He’s wearing boxers and a t-shirt - he hardly ever gets dressed anymore. It’s times like these when you could almost pretend everything is normal. That he’ll hear you and wake up. That he’ll jump up and give you a hug, make you dinner, ask you about work. Instead, you watch a string of drool run down his chin.

You make your way over to him and gently remove the bottle from his hand, setting it on the table. You run a hand through his hair and shake his shoulder, rousing him.

“Oh, hey,” he hiccups.

You can smell the alcohol on his breath. You hear his stomach rumble and wonder whether he’d even bothered to eat anything today.

“Hey, babe,” you muster the most sincere smile you can, foolishly hoping that you might get one in return.

He looks past you and grabs the bottle from the table.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink today, baby? How about I make us some dinner, we can sit and eat together like we used to,” you offer.

You reach to take the sweating bottle from him, but he raises a hand to stop you.

“I jus’ wanted to finish watching the game, babe. How ‘bout t’morrow?” he slurs.

“Joel I really think you should see someone about the drinking. It’s not healthy for you. I love you and I miss you. I want to help you, baby.”

He stands from the chair, grip tightening on his bottle.

“I know my own fuckin’ limits, thank ya very much,” his sharp tone makes you flinch.

“Can you at least eat something? This isn’t good for you.”

“Jesus, will you just leave me alone?” his lips wrap around the opening of the bottle and he turns the bottle up, letting the rest of the alcohol pour down his throat. He turns to walk away from you and you reach a hand out to grab his forearm.

“I’ll make you your favorite dinner, Joel. It’s been months, baby. You said you’d lay off the drinking after the one job, but it’s just gotten worse. You haven’t been working and it’s not healthy for you to stay in the house and drink all day,” you try to reason. “I’ll make dinner for us and we can go to bed together.”

You look into his eyes, searching for a sliver of the man you love. You remember the way he used to look at you as if he would gladly let his heart break into a million little pieces, as long as you were the one shattering it. As if he would do everything in his power, and then some, just to put a smile on your face. As if he would face his demise head on if you were the sight burned into the back of his eyelids as he faded.

Your search is futile. The only thing you find in his dark, bloodshot eyes is something you’re too afraid to call contempt. He lets out an exasperated sigh and mutters your name, “I just want some time to myself. You’re always nagging me about the drinking. It’s not a big deal. I’m just stressed all the time and you’re really not helping. Could you just quit being annoying for once?” He runs a hand through the scruff on his chin.

You drop your hand from his arm as if his skin had scorched you. His words settle like a heavy weight on your chest, keeping you from drawing a full breath. It’s as if his heart holds nothing but distaste for you. You look up at him with watery eyes and try to remember the last time he had even told you he loved you.

“I can’t keep doing this, Joel. I’m going to leave if you don’t get help. Neither of us are happy anymore. Can you please just talk to someone so we can go back to the way things used to be? You can be happy without the alcohol,” you plead with him, trying desperately to reach the Joel that you know is in there somewhere. The Joel you hope is in there, anyway.

“Will you stop it?” his voice is violently angry, “I don’t need fuckin’ help, I just need to be left the fuck alone!” his southern drawl booms throughout the room.

You startle at his sudden outburst, flinching away from him. You feel your eyes overflow, salty tears leaving wet trails down your cheeks.

“Goddamn it,” Joel mutters before turning to the wall. He raises his empty bottle and tightens his fist around it. He pulls his arm back and launches the bottle at the wall. It shatters and sends glass flying everywhere. You stand, watching in shock.

“Joel,” your mouth drops and you step away from him.

Joel has never hit you. Hell, before tonight, he’d never even yelled at you. But the coldness in his eyes and the way he clenches his fist scares you. You turn and make for the door, wanting to leave before things escalate any more. Tears are streaming down your face as you twist the doorknob. You look back at him as you step out of the house. You see him shake his head as he grabs a bottle of whiskey off the shelf and you close the door behind you without another thought.

You stayed at your friend’s house that night, sobbing as she told you to leave him. The next morning, you had stood on your front porch, bones heavy with dread, unsure of what you’d find when you opened the door. When you finally worked up the courage to push the door open, you’d been met with the sight of Joel sprawled face-down on the couch, snoring.

He hadn’t woken as you quietly stepped inside and closed the door behind you. He hadn’t woken as you packed all your belongings into suitcases. He hadn’t woken as you left your house key, along with a tear-stained goodbye note, sitting on the table. He hadn’t woken as you rolled your suitcases outside, packed them into your car, and blocked his number on your cell phone before driving away from Joel. Away from home.

I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand But I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man

You let out a shaky exhale as you pick the pack of cigarettes up off of the floor. You squeeze your eyes shut and wish, for a moment, that things had never changed - that his hand is still splayed out across your thigh and he’s pouting in the passenger seat beside you, I should be the one driving. You’re supposed to be my passenger princess.

After fidgeting with the cardboard box for a minute, you decide that you’re sick of waiting for the storm to let up. You open the car door and step out into the rain. You release the carton and let it fall to the wet ground. Bringing a shoe down on top of the box, you crush it underneath your foot, as if trying to stomp out a flame - as if trying to stomp out the memories the cigarettes had ignited - and watch raindrops roll off of it. Without looking back, you turn and walk inside.

We might still be in love if you were a better man You would’ve been the one if you were a better man.

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silly-inky · 8 months

Text

Hazbin Hotel Characters Ages

TW: mention of death, drugs, alcohol, guns

So I got bored and wondered about the ages of some of the Hazbin Hotel characters, so here is the information I gathered, this also includes their theorised causes of death as well

Just be aware that some of this information may not be the most accurate so if I get something wrong do forgive me

Anyways

Charlie is in her 200’s, she doesn’t exactly look it, but she is immortal and her parents haven’t exactly aged much either, so she appears to be in her 20’s

Angel Dust died in his mid 30’s in 1947 from a drug overdose, he is the only one (apart from Baxter) who has a confirmed cause of death

so that would put him currently in his 110’s

Husk died at 75 in the 1970’s his death is not confirmed but is theorised to be from alcohol poisoning/ some other alcohol related incident, or he possibly could of took his own life

That would put him currently in his 120’s

(that would mean he would be, at the oldest, 52 when angel dust died)

Vaggie died in her 20’s in 2014, she does not have a confirmed cause of death, the theories I have heard about her death may not fit well now that we are aware she originally ended up in Heaven

So that currently puts her in her 30’s

Niffty died at 22 in the 1950’s, she does not have a confirmed cause of death, but some theorise it was either from being shot, falling down a chimney/ into a fireplace or being caught in a house fire

Which puts her currently in her late 90’s to early 100’s

Alastor died in his 30’s-40’s in 1933, his cause of death was a dog related incident, it is theorised he was shot and killed in a hunting accident (Alastor was either hiding a body, or was out hunting himself, when another hunter’s dog(s) was alerted to Alastor’s presence and started barking at him, the hunter mistook him for a deer and shot him in the head, and then was possibly mauled by the dogs afterwards)

So that currently put him In his late 120’s to his early 130’s

Sir Pentious died in his 40’s in 1888, he does not have confirmed cause of death but it has been theorised that he died to an invention failure

Which currently puts him in his late 170’s

Cherri Bomb died in her 20’s in the 1980’s, she does not have a confirmed cause of death but it had been theorised she was shot and killed by police during one of her rallies judging by the X’s on her body, tho is could of also been in an explosion she caused

Which currently puts her in her 60’s

(Dickhead) Valentino died in his mid 40’s in the 1970’s, he does not have a confirmed cause of death but has been theorised to have died from some form of std probably HIV/AIDS, since it was around the time of the AIDS crisis between the 1970’s and 1980’s where unfortunately a lot of people, primarily gay men, were getting it and passing away (I’m apologise but I really don’t like this character)

which currently puts him in his 90’s

Vox died in his 30-40’s in the 1950’s, he does not have a confirmed cause of death but has been theorised to have been killed on set with a piece of equipment or a literal TV (he could have been a TV host in life)

Which currently puts him in his 100’s

The list of oldest to youngest with years of existence overall

Charlie (200’s)

Sir Pentious (late 170’s)

Alastor (120’s-130’s)

Husk (120’s)

Angel (110’s)

Vox (100’s)

Niffty (90’s-100’s)

Valentino (90’s)

Cherri bomb (60’s)

Vaggie (30’s)

The list of oldest to youngest according to the age they were when they first died (this is more of a rough estimate and personal opinion)

Husk (75)

Valentino (mid 40’s)

Sir Pentious (40’s)

Alastor (30’s-40’s)

Vox (30’s-40’s)

Angel dust (mid 30’s)

Cherri bomb (20’s)

Vaggie (20’s)

Niffty (22)

If you are interested in learning more about the characters causes of death theories, there are a few posts on Reddit and YouTube (and here ofc) that go more into depth about it, the video I originally watched was:

“How every Hazbin Hotel character perished” by the YouTuber KolkoCat

I believe the YouTuber “Ayy Lmao” has also touched on the topic multiple times as his channel is mostly dedicated to Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss content, you can also find other theories, reviews and analysis about the show there as well

#hazbin hotel #angel dust #hazbin hotel husk #charlie morningstar #vaggie #niffty #sir pentious #alastor #the dickhead #hazbin hotel vox

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whole-circus · 1 year

Text

Fluff || Sleeping with Tim Wright x gn.reader!

➥ warm cozy night ? with cuddles?? sign me in!! English is not my first language! >:3

.•┈••✦ 🖤 ✦••┈•.

☆Tim and you..you and Tim

You are like good old marriage... Reading before bed? Watching some TV or episode of one of those super-duper-long series? Doing crosswords? A b s o l u t e l y. Okay but him wearing reading glasses..they make him look so hot and cute at the same time.

Just imagine falling asleep, cuddling to side of his soft dad-body! He gets really warm at nights, so if winters are fun then the hotter days can be a bit uncomfortable. No worries tho! Cold nights? Just you and Tim hugging. Him being the bigger spoon and gently caressing your hair as you lay on him, whispering soft "i love you" or "sleep well sweetheart" with some praise words <3. But the hot, summer nights? You laying apart in one bed, only blanket on you both (or only you!) and hand holding!! (so dirty, i know). Just laying here, looking into eachother eyes, as soft smile on your faces, admiring your whole world in front of you!

He propably wears this flannel pajams when its colder, or he just sleep in t-shirt and some pants. I have no idea how he do that, but his hair never gets messy after the whole night. He usually wakes up before you, so he either keep holding your close, just laying with his eyes closed and enjoying the moment or he gets up and make coffee/other drink for him and you. ,,Good morning Y/N, did you sleep well?" in his morning, deep voice!

He is so happy to have you by his side..he always thought that universe is far far away, not available for average human being..but yet he still holds it in his arms everynight..

..Gosh, he is so incredibly thankful for you! <3

.•┈••✦ 🖤 ✦••┈•.

#marbel hornets #tim wright #tim wright x reader #tim wright x you #masky #creepypasta x you #slasher x reader #creepypasta #creepypasta x reader #marbel hornets x reader #creepypasta hcs #creepypasta x y/n #masky x reader #masky x y/n #fluff #crp #fandom #creepypasta fandom #wholecircus

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lokidokieokie · 2 years

Text

The Space Between

Summary: You and Loki have been friends for years, but your feelings for each other run deep. However, a misunderstanding leads to your friendship falling apart, leaving both of you with a gaping hole in your hearts.

Pairing: Loki Laufeyson x Fem!Asgardian!Reader

Warning(s): angst (like lots of it), friends to lovers trope, mentions of Thor x reader (only one scene), happy ending tho

(as per usual, lemme know if I forgot anything)

Loki had always been your best friend. You had grown up together, your families close and intertwined, so it was no surprise that you two had grown close. You had laughed together, cried together, and even gotten into trouble together.

But you had also loved him. Deeply.

You didn't know when it happened, but at some point, your feelings for Loki had gone from friendship to something more. You had tried to ignore it, to push it down and lock it away, but it had always been there, simmering just beneath the surface.

And you thought that maybe, just maybe, Loki felt the same way. He would look at you in a certain way, touch your arm a little too long, say things that made your heart skip a beat. But you didn't want to ruin what you had, so you said nothing.

That was until the night of the charity ball. You had gone together, dressed to the nines, and had a great time. But then, you saw him. Thor, Loki's brother, was there too, and you saw the way he looked at you, the way he talked to you, and you thought that maybe...just maybe, Loki had set you up with his brother as a way to let you down gently.

And so, you did the only thing you could think of -- you kissed Thor. It was a mistake, a desperate attempt to get over Loki, but it had the opposite effect. Because when Loki saw you with his brother, he didn't understand the truth. All he saw was betrayal.

He didn't talk to you for weeks after that, and when he finally did, it was with anger and hurt in his eyes. You tried to explain, to tell him that it was all a misunderstanding, but he wouldn't hear it. And so, your friendship fell apart, leaving both of you alone and hurting.

Months passed, and you tried to move on. You attempted to date other people, but they never felt quite right. You missed Loki, missed his laughter, his touch, his smile. And then, one day, he showed up on your doorstep, his eyes haunted and his heart on his sleeve.

You both sat in silence, your hearts racing with unspoken emotions -- the tension in the air was palpable. And the longer you sat there, the more the silence seemed to weigh you both down.

When he couldn’t take the silence anymore, Loki spoke up. “I... I have something to confess to you, Y/n.”

Your heart skipped a beat, “What is it?” you asked, your voice barely a whisper.

Loki took a deep breathe before continuing, “I've been keeping something from you... in hindsight it should’ve been something that I had told you long ago...”

Your mind raced with possibilities, but you couldn't have guessed the words that were about to spill from Loki's soft lips.

“I... I'm in love with you, and probably have been for much longer than my mind knows,” Loki said, his eyes fixed on the ground.

Your heart swelled with emotion, but at the same time, was crushed by waves of fear and uncertainty. The months of sorrow and grief over your friendship lost, the loneliness... the isolation that came with it.

“Loki, I...” you began, your voice cracking with emotion.

Before you could continue, Loki interrupted. “I understand if you no longer feel the same way, or never felt the same way in the first place; but especially now, with the way I’ve treated you these past few months...”

With his eyes still trained on your bedroom floor, he quickly spoke, “I just had to tell you, as I couldn’t keep it inside any longer.”

You were speechless. For years--decades even--you had avidly hoped that those words would slip from between his supple lips and you would both get the happily ever after you both deserved. But nothing ever happened; your relationship to the god never took any steps towards romance.

Loki, misunderstanding you silence as rejection, begins to stand up. “I wish you the happiest of lives, my dear Y/n... even if it means that you end up with my brother and not me.”

Your heart sank, as if it were a mighty ship being pulled into the vast ocean below. He thought you were interested in Thor? Had he thought that you had only been interested in Thor? Just as he reached his hand towards you doorknob, your strained voice halted him.

“You thought that I’d loved Thor all this time?”

Loki sighed, “You kissed him, Y/n. I think that sums everything up.”

You tutted, “If you’d just let me explain it months ago, you would’ve known that I’d only kissed Thor because I thought that you had set me up with him.”

Loki tensed as he turned to face you. “And why in the Norns would I set the woman I love up with my brother?”

“Because I thought you were letting me down gently, you oaf!” You cried.

“When you believe that the man you love doesn’t love you back, you’ll do anything in your power to try and forget it. Even if that means kissing someone to distract yourself from the pain.”

And with that, Loki surged forward, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you into a deep, passionate kiss. For a moment, everything else melted away, and you were both lost in each other’s embrace.

As you finally pulled away, both of you breathless, Loki looked into your eyes. “I’ve been such a fool this whole time,” he said, a small sigh escaping through the corners of his mouth. “And I’m truly sorry. I was so angry and blinded by what I thought was a betrayal that I didn’t even let you get in any sort of explanation.”

And in that moment, as you looked into his eyes, you knew that you forgave him, and that ultimately, you still loved him too. The space between you, one that was once so vast and insurmountable, had closed, and you were finally where you belonged.

In each other’s arms.

A/N I hope you enjoyed this little thing I put together :)

Taglist! Everything: @thewaithfuckingannoyme @evelyn-kingsley Loki: @dryyoursaltyoceantears

#loki #loki x reader #loki laufeyson #Loki Laufeyson x Reader #friends to lovers #tom hiddleston #loki fanfic #loki x fem!reader #angsty angst #fluff #love confessions #tom hiddleston x reader

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guardkeywolf · 1 year

Text

The 141 Boys/Los Vaqueros/ KorTac + SpecGru X Male Reader with Big Wolf 2

We got a Part 2!!! @cheeseyboi69 , along with many others, asked and shall receive!

Hope yall enjoy!

Soap

He was definitely trying to still get close to you both, but mostly the wolf

Just a small little touch of that lovely fur that looked well groomed by Y/n when they came back from missions

Your Wolf would snap at him though

He would, however, let Soap feed him snacks or treats when he let him

If he was lucky, your wolf would be tried and sometimes fall asleep on his lap

The man freaked out

Ghost watched him from the other side of the room as he did so

He literally had to stop himself from moving and try to not wake the Maneater

Speaking of Maneater, everyone was pretty damn scared if they got on your wolf's bad side

When he saw your wolf rip apart a man, he kept his distance for sometime

Not only that, but when the wolf also managed to chase down one of their targets and drag the man back

Soap definitely knew his boundaries

Ghost

Your Wolf and him got a long pretty well after sometime had passed

Definitely still let Ghost pet him whenever

Ghost also gave him A LOT of bellyrubs

Your wolf would literally walk over to him if he was sitting on the couch

Use his paw to drag his wrist over to his stomach

And just give him the look of

"Bellyrubs now"

Now Ghost had to be discreet about these things

He literally didn't want the Newbies to see him doing this and think he was soft

But he would do it in front of Soap sometimes just to smite the man

Poor Soap

Even your Wolf would grin at him

Gaz

Bro was still trying to recover from that night he saw your Wolf walking around the base

Thankfully, they did become closer afterwards tho

Your wolf would like to go into his office if he was doing paperwork and just lay his head on Gaz's lap

Gaz would pet him every now and then too

Sometimes, if lucky, Gaz would also have treats for him too

Of course, he would as you about what he could eat and when you gave him a list, he took it upon himself to also learn everything about Wolves as well

Next thing you, his office now has a bed, toys, and treats

When you went looking for your wolf to give him a bath, you could not find this man anywhere

It was thanks to Soap when he said your wolf was in Gaz's room

When you got there, it was like you didn't even notice it was Gaz's office anymore

Now the whole room was painted different colors (idk what colors, but it was) and you saw your wolf relaxing with Gaz on the floor with a star projector of some sort

Let's just say, it took you A WHILE to get him to the tub...

Price

He had definitely gotten used to both of you being around the base but noticed a huge change

Everyone really, REALLY, loved your wolf

When he expected some of the men to turn in their paperwork on time, he'd only find them somewhere near your wolf

Soap would also be in the background crying cause he had yet to touch him...

He sighed and went to your room and asked you about it

You were also surprised with how everyone reacted and tried to help out Price by keeping your wolf out of their sights until they finished their work

But somehow that always managed to find him

They baited him out with treats, toys, just about anything they could get their hands on

You were a bit concerned because you kept your wolf on a certain diet, and him getting all those snacks could throw his body

So Price said that if anyone wanted to from now on pet your wolf, they would have to be finished with all their paperwork and finish their shooting, sparing, or any other training first

And he would know if they lied

Surprisingly, though, his men's will to be around your wolf only grew as they did end doing everything necessary

Price was amazed and thought of more ways to get them to do things

Alejandro

He definitely wasn't ready when he saw you or your wolf

He was slightly nervous but warmed up to both of your though

Now your wolf and him

Besties For Life

It was IMPOSSIBLE to separate these two

Even Rodolfo was concerned for his Colonel since he saw him more with Alejandro than his own unit

He and Gaz became your Wolf's playmate buddies and spoiled him more than you did

Anything your boy wanted, they got him

Alejandro even started asking if he could keep you at his base

He and Price had a heated debate about it and Soap and Rodolfo had to calm them both down

So Alejandro tried to visit as often as possible to see your Wolf, ignoring your presence while doing so

When one of his men tried to get him to sign some documents, the poor guy got kicked out of Alejandro's office for interrupting his "session" with your wolf

You had to separate both of them for sometime because of that...

Rodolfo

He was a little frightened by you and the wolf together

Considering how easily you both snuck up on him when you were visiting, it also took him by surprise

He was also super jealous

The wolf was taking his husband away from him and it was a getting on his nerves too when Ale wasn't finishing his paperwork too

When you came over, he told you about it

You mentioned the way Price had handled the similar problem but it didn't help much when Rodolfo reminded you that Alejandro was their leader

"Well, maybe try taking away something he needs on a daily basis?"

Rodolfo chuckled a bit at the thought he had and you looked at him in curiosity

Rodolfo decided to change the subject afterwards

A few weeks later, you let Rodolfo know you were coming to visit and your were surprised to only be greeted by Rodolfo himself

Alejandro was nowhere to be seen

You couldn't help but ask him how he managed to tame him

" I told him no sex for a year"

You laughed at the thought but was quite surprised it worked

König

Took him a while to get used to not being the tall one anymore but he enjoyed his company with you and your wolf

You both actually got along pretty well and had similar backstories

Whenever he was nervous or anxious, you let your wolf calm him down

He would lay in his lap and let König pet him for as long as he liked

It took him a while to get used to you both your wolf helped with that

Your wolf became a great stress reliever for König too after mission

Not only that, but you two became protective of him too

If you went noticed your wolf wasn't in your room

You knew he was with König

Plus, König was the only one he'd sleep with overnight if it wasn't you

You also offered to teach him commands you used with your wolf

He was quite overjoyed when you taught him too

You had to calm yourself from his cuteness every time your wolf listened to his commands, and he jumped up and down in excitement afterward

If you couldn't bring your wolf on a mission, you'd also leave him with König

Even when on missions together, you sent your wolf to accompany König while you either handled business by yourself or worked with a newbie

Horangi

He was surprised to see the wolf wandering around the base

He was asked Price about it and you showed up behind him m, somehow...

He nearly had a heart attack when he saw you

When he turned around the other way, your wolf was there and he fainted

It took Horangi a much longer time to get used to both you and your wolf for some time

Now, he became much more when he went through the halls too

He'd try to spot you, your wolf, and some times even freaked out when he thought he saw the shadows of you

But it was only some random cleaning items, which god knows how someone managed to make it look identical to both your frames, and he could only sigh to himself

On missions, he was super cautious of you both too

Considering the wilderness was both your element, you took managed to blend in completely

Horangi kept looking back to make sure neither of you sneaked up on him either when he was holding his position while waiting for the others to finish

He couldn't help but think about what you or your wolf could just do to the normal human being

Bro was terrified but knew you both wouldn't do such a thing

König had to calm him down, but thankfully, he helped introduce you both correctly

It still took Horangi some time to get used to your wolf, but pretty soon, he got used to the big canine and his own wondering around at night for something out of the fridge at 2 in the morning

So yeah, it was good...

If you like this feel free to REBLOG using the TAGS!!!

Thanks for reading again!

‐Guards

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itrithenbartist · 11 months

Note

I love you headcanons for sunny day jack. I was wondering if you have headcanons for Joseph Cullman too? You don't have to if you don't want to, but thanks for reading this!

yesssssss i would absolutely love to do this. sorry it took a second, i'm recovering atp. but yea!!

THIS IS 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI OR YOU'LL BE BLOCKED AND ANY AGELESS BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED TOO

with that out of the way, enjoy <3 gn as possible

-Joseph.......loves praising mc???? but like also in a degrading way than the way jack would. think more towards 'you're such a good sl*t' etc etc

-loves public s*x...there's no way you can look at the man and say he doesn't. of course doesn't want to get into trouble with the law or terrify children, but think of it as a game. see how many times mc can nut on his fingers. before the two of them have to finish this...elsewhere

-loves to tease, doesn't matter about what, just to see mc flush and try to hide is just so appealing to him. even more so when they're going at it in the bedroom and watching mc fall apart with his c*ck and his voice??? mmmm he'll take that everyday

-loves pet names. mc calls him something like "my love" or "baby" or "honey" don't ask him why his first response is to get excited...he's such a lonely man.

-if you want to try things in the bedroom? he doesn't care. mc wants to call him different names/titles? 100% is on board. when him and mc figure out the best title? oh man he's gonna use it against mc everrrrrryday.

-just like last post, he's absolutely for sloppy toppy. he can't get enough of it. tho it's more like an appetizer than like him actually wanting to finish, mc other holes are his main dish he wants in all the time.

-instead of praising when mc tops? filthy talker. goading mc to go harder/faster with whatever equipment they got (bought or organic is fine, he's not picky). even will ride mc to get the results he wants. he's not no pillow princess

-doesn't really sub, more like less domineering than anything else. doesn't mean to? but will laugh in mc's face if they suggest being in charge.

-shouldn't tell him how much you love any part of his body...especially his c*ck....he's gonna be an unstoppable force of nature and it's so sexy scary seeing how he uses this to his advantage

-love's bondage, especiallyyyy on mc. seeing them wrapped in whatever rope/silk? hard, matter of minutes. so turned on

-size different? esp if mc is shorter than him? he's in heaven. he loves that mc gotta crane their neck to him to do anything

softer hc's i think i got all the major k*nks i can think of.

-loves being little spoon. like don't get him wrong he loves dominating mc, and caring........but sometimes he wants to be held??? wouldn't flat out ask for it, but if mc does it on their own? joseph's smitten.

-since he's not rich/doesn't make a lot of money...his idea of love and showing affection is just mostly spending quality time. oh mc gotta do grocery shopping? he's with them. doing basic tasks? follows like a an obedient puppy.

-loves soft touches. when mc just randomly touches him? cups his face? strokes his hair? trace his back? it's a wrap. he's literally gonna be so smitten and soft for mc

-never had someone care about him. so when mc see's he's struggling? and helps give him a 'self care day'? he doesn't know how to react. genuinely stuck between wanting to cry and rejecting the idea of it. fully accepts it after awhile. it's his favorite thing to do with mc

-loves when mc plays with his hair, likes brushing it? and just being so gentle? (actually figuring out that 2-in-1 isn't actually good) and takes the time to let mc take care of his hair. it's so soft and nice now.

-can only cook the essentials...........like eggs and ramen. if mc can cook better than him? well he's been sold for everything else, but this is just a bonus.

-doesn't really speak. genuinely loves hearing mc talk about their day/in general because he thinks their voice is so lovely.

-wants to take care of mc no matter what. mc is the first person to care for him, he wants to make sure they're taken care of.

personally this is a little adhd snippet? i personally hc him that has adhd

-he's weird? he can maintain eye contact, but if you're talking to him, he's walking while listening. so he can actually Listen

-was always shit on for having hyperfixations, esp as a kid...mc makes it safe for him to explore himself and his childhood.

-cannot watch anything without subtitles. it's like...without the subtitles he can't understand shit

-can get really good at something in a matter of days then just dip....because it doesn't stimulate his brain as much as it did

enough adhd content, also it's MY hc because i have audhd, skip over it if you don't want to read it

-joseph loves all shapes mc would be in....just really really loves fat mc. like he loves tummy.

#sunny day jack #somethings wrong with sunny day jack #sdj joseph #lemon #citrus #joseph cullman #sunny day jack x reader #sdj joseph x reader

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hysteriaww · 4 months

Note

Hi ! It's going to sound weird but....

How do you think Kai would have influenced Luke's personality if Luke actually won during the merge ?

I know Kai was stronger, but let's say Luke wins.

He was already pretty strong since he was able to break Liv out of the spell she was trying to do. He was stronger than his sister. He would have won if they were to do the merge. I don't exactly remember how powerful he was but I suppose he was fairly quite good with magic.

And magical powers aside, he has quite a strong personality. He's fed up with the Mystic Falls gang bullshit. He was not even that scared of Kai. I mean, he knew his brother was a freaking threat, but he did not hesitate to go on his own and do the merge with Kai. Even when Kai didn't want to do it Luke was like "Hey bitch, you scared I could win ?"

I don't think Luke really thought he could win or maybe he did, anyway he just wanted it to end. He wanted to project his sisters.

So, with Kai's personality inside of him, what would he be like ? I think that guy would at least find a way to end that Gemini tradition crap about the merge, and the lives of the whole coven linked to the leader.

Apart from that I don't know.

That would not be as fun as seeing Kai struggle with new emotions 🤣 but I want to see Luke being even more badass you know.

Yup, really long question sorry not sorry. X)

This is a very interesting question! Tho I have wondered what Jo would be like if she merged w Kai & won, I've never wondered about Luke until now... I think it could be a very compelling arc for him & the gemini coven. Here's what I think would happen! (I wrote a whole ass mini-fanfic in my answer lmfao):

Fresh after the merge: Luke would initially act & feel almost exactly like same old Luke, except maybe he'd rightfully be a bit more grim, traumatized and world-weary after defeating Kai. Liv & Jo would be concerned but he'd tell them not to worry bc he just needs some time to recover & leading the coven rn is more important than his mental health anyway (aka the FIRST Red Flag). Liv & Jo would disagree but let it go for now to avoid stressing him out.

First few months as leader: I think Luke's first order of business would be to undo the damage Joshua did as a terrible coven leader. That might mean overturning fucked up coven laws, etc. but Joshua doesn't like this, so he gets his supporters in the coven to back him & veto Luke's changes. Meanwhile, Luke's own coven support is growing bc I do believe he'd be a MUCH better leader than Joshua, so old man's resentment grows more. Eventually, it reaches a point where Luke feels boxed in like he can't make any real GOOD change bc of Joshua's puppets & THAT is when... the whispers of Kai's voice begin to awaken in Luke's mind. Uh-oh...

Conflict resolution 101: The part of Luke that's in control tries to be diplomatic about getting rid of Joshua's supporters but it just. doesn't. work. The assholes are FLUENT in gemini bureaucracy bc they've been around longer so they outmaneuver Luke constantly. That's when Kai begins suggesting some... less diplomatic solutions, including the idea that Joshua's supporters wouldn't be such a problem if JOSHUA was gone. Luke spends a long time rejecting this & literally warring with himself, so Liv & Jo are like "dude are u ok" and in a moment of weakness he admits his idea about taking joshua out. They're shocked, but after a sec, they're like "wait this is the same man who tried to off his own kids more than once. Uk what? yes lets do it." And suddenly all 3 (ahem, 4) Parker kids are plotting to put dad in a magical coma (hmm does that sound familiar? I wonder which sibling's idea this was...) so he can't influence his supporters anymore. And the siblings succeed! Joshua's out! but it becomes their lil secret, hidden from the coven...

A Good Ol' Frame Job: Lo and behold, Joshua's supporters still stay loyal to the man in a coma instead of Luke! Liv & Jo are like "it's fine luke, dad isn't gonna wake up so eventually they'll have no choice but to listen to you" but KAI isn't convinced... and neither is Luke. Diplomacy didn't work, sleeping beauty-ing joshua didn't work, so now he needs to play dirty. He doesn't jump to violence or anything - he simply frames a few of them for crimes they didn't commit. Snakey, but simple. Only problem is... Luke can't recall if this idea was his own, or Kai's...... bc they're both equally likely to have thought of it. Kai's influence is growing... So when Jo & Liv come to him like "wow crazy how those supporters got revealed as criminals right? That worked out conveniently," Luke goes w the safest option & says "haaa yea what a coincidence! no idea how that happened" ......and now he's lying to his sisters (Big Red Flag #2)

Calm before the storm: Now that joshua's remaining supporters (who haven't been framed) are very few, Luke doesn't face much resistance anymore & he actually succeeds at reforming a lot of fucked up gemini practices & making positive change. Maybe he even succeeds at eliminating the merge altogether! Luke's flying high, believing he's a true protector of the geminis & the best leader and savior (which, to be fair, he rly is better than the shitty leaders before him)! Kai's influence here is very sneaky bc some of Luke's old sense of humor comes back to him, with some new hints of cockiness that weren't there before. Luke's golden boy charm & Kai's cockiness creates the perfect politician cocktail & liv and jo appreciate the good he's done for geminis but also lowkey resent the big-headed self-important persona he's growing.

But THEN there's trouble in paradise: joshua's leftover supporters find a piece of evidence that proves Luke framed the others & they threaten Luke w it, deducing that he also had smthg to do w Joshua's coma. They order him to step down but he can't do that. Not now, when he's finally *this* close to changing the coven for good! These pricks will wake joshua & bring the old laws back! No, he can't let that happen, he can't let it- ....Luke snaps. He blacks out, then wakes up in horror to realize he violently killed. them. all. He panics, calling Jo & Liv for help BUT to cover his ass, he lies & says he had to kill them bc they found out about "all 3 of them" cursing Joshua... while choosing not to mention how they also discovered his frame jobs. Liv & Jo are horrified yet they help him cover this up bc he's falsely led them to believe their asses are also on the line for cursing joshua... but then Jo notices some of them were killed in very "Kai" ways (bled to death from their spleens getting cut out, etc.) & Liv finds the piece of evidence they had that links Luke to the frame jobs...... the 2 of them realize Luke is not in control anymore.

The Climax: Liv & Jo confront Luke, asking him to step down but warning him that they'll MAKE him if he doesn't agree. He doesn't agree. A fight ensues & Luke is pretty OP despite the 2 v. 1. Luke gets *this* close to killing them (while Kai cheers him on), but then says SIKE and kills JOSHUA's comatose body instead, shocking everyone. Jo, Liv AND Kai are like "wha- why?!" & Luke the politician diabolically reveals that he can't bring himself to kill them - but he can frame them for Joshua's death & turn the coven against them.... OR he can frame the dead supporters for Joshua's death & save his sisters, IF Liv & Jo stay loyal to his cause. At this ultimatum, Jo & Liv finally give up, saying they'd rather get framed or killed than let him rule the coven like this. The Kai in Luke gets triggered by their abandonment bc he's a gOoD LEADER can't u SEE?! Kai's increased presence & Luke's increased lack of control make his SIPHONING manifest for the first time & he unintentionally starts siphoning the sisters. And Luke gets triggered by them trying to overthrow him bc he's the OnLy one who can PROTECT the coven!! Just like he protected Jo & Liv from Kai!! At this point the sisters' resentment RLY comes out like "WE DIDNT ASK YOU TO!! YOU chose to merge to protect us WITHOUT ASKING what WE wanted!! U literally knocked out Jo when she was ABOUT to merge! You protected us bc that's what U wanted, not US. And now the coven doesn't need to be protected BY you anymore, it needs to be protected FROM you!!" Like a bucket of ice water, Luke realizes he's siphoning his sisters rn. He has become Kai. They're right. He is not in control anymore. He steps away & realizes the whole coven itself is broken. The best way to save it is to take the ruling family nonsense out of it & free everyone. He agrees to step down & Jo & Liv help him break the coven link altogether and they free the coven! For a moment, it seems like Kai is going to stop them, but then even the Kai in his mind realizes the coven fucked him over his whole life & he'd much rather see it gone. So all 4 kids unite in Sibling Solidarity and liberate the coven!

Epilogue: Luke gets therapy & that means Kai begrudgingly gets it too bc he's stuck in luke's head. They both start healing & finding a medium ground of how to share space in luke's head. Kai even uses Luke to apologize to Liv & Jo for his own crimes. I'd like to think he'd even get Luke to go to Bonnie and apologize on his behalf & maybe help her out whenever he can, tho i don't think it would be sexual, bc in canon the merge didn't change kai's sexuality so i doubt it would change luke's. But yea I think bonnie would still at least have a new ally in luke thanks to the Kai in him xD

THE END lol I hope my impromptu mini-fanfic here answered your question ahaahaha thank you for asking!!!

#tvd #kai parker #jo parker #luke parker #liv parker #joshua parker #bonnie bennett #merge #gemini coven #headcanon #fanfiction #fanfic #asks #mine

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neowinestainedress · 1 year

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𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐒𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐔𝐒 — 𝐂𝐇. 𝟔

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄 — 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 — 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐈𝐗 — 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: lee haechan x oc ; na jaemin x oc ; haechan x ex girlfriend!oc, na jaemin x haechan's ex girlfriend!oc 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄: angst, smut, fluff, childhood best friends to lovers, strangers to lovers, exes to lovers, lovers to exes 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: everything falls apart and putting back the pieces to start brand new is harder than expected. but it’s time to move on and address feelings that have been hiding for too long, but most importantly, try to not mess up another time. 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: angst, smut, alcohol consumption, fing*ring, sq*irting, unprotected s*x, dirty talk, oral s*x, switchy/subby hyuck (no dom/sub dynamics tho), hair pulling, kinda hate s*x (there are unresolved feelings coming out), fingers sucking, handj*b 𝐖𝐂: +19k 𝐀/𝐍: this chapter is a long ass ride, so brace yourself!!! listen to this if you want to cry harder in the first part. since we’re coming to the end (and i think there's a lot to discuss this time) PLEASE reblog and leave feedback to show support and let me know what you think! enjoy ♡

Gathering the courage to be the one to bring this news was never in Hyejin’s plans. Her plans were clear, the picture of her future with Haechan had been in her mind for years by now as she added details with each passing day, sure with every passing second, he would’ve always been by her side. So being the one that would’ve torn that picture in shreds in a few moments felt like the most agonizing nightmare she ever had to live.

But it was for the better, right? It couldn’t be. It wasn’t meant to be. Love meant to be able to let go when it was clear nothing was holding people together anymore, and she loved Haechan dearly and deeply.

“Hi,” she said, voice barely higher than a whisper, when Haechan opened the door of his place. “Are you alone?”

Haechan nodded. “Yeah, why?”

She would’ve found the teasing tone in his voice and the sexy smirk on his face exciting, but it wasn’t the moment for that. Everything they knew would’ve fallen apart in a few instants.

“I need to talk to you,” she replied, stepping in as he moved to the side before closing the door.

He raised a brow, staring at her with surprise on his face, immediately understanding something was going on. “Are you okay?”

Hyejin nodded. No, she wasn’t. “I think it’s better if we sit.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked again to make sure nothing happened.

“Just, please, let’s sit.”

Haechan hummed, not really convinced, and sat on the couch next to her.

“I thought about this a lot,” she started saying, forcing herself to look into his eyes, but it felt too painful, and her gaze met the ground as she let out those painful words, “I think this should end.”

Haechan blinked repeatedly, thinking he heard wrong. She couldn’t mean… “Excuse me?”

She gulped, lifting her head, and squeezing her eyes to push the tears back. “I don’t think this is working.”

“This is… us?” He asked to make sure they were talking about the same thing.

Hyejin hummed, rubbing her nose which was starting to tickle from the cries she was holding back.

Haechan laughed, it was a panicked laugh full of disbelief as he shook his head. “No, is it April first?”

She shook her head, swallowing hard. “I mean it.”

“I… I thought we were fine,” he said, feeling lost because nothing of this made sense in his mind. Why was she breaking this up?

“I thought that too,” she breathed out. “But I honestly feel we’re not meant to be.”

“But why?” Now the one holding back tears was Haechan, still searching for her eyes that were avoiding his.

“For so many little things, Hyuck. But I don’t want to fight.”

“Don’t you think I need to know why you’re ending us after three years? I’ve already been left without a word, I don’t think I deserve it.”

She snickered bitterly. “See, you brought the first problem up yourself.”

Haechan’s eyes widened. “What are you talking about?”

“Zoya,” she said more sternly than she planned, and he scoffed, standing up from the couch.

“You’re breaking up with me because of her?” He asked, voice full of anger and shock.

“Yes, because I’m not crazy, and I know you, Hyuck. I know your eyes when they are full of love, and every time they stop on her…” Hyejin sighed, torturing her lower lip and bouncing her leg nervously, “they will never shine so bright when they are on me.”

He shook his head, murmuring ‘nos’ under his breath, feeling his lungs hurt as he pushed back sobs. “That’s not true, she’s in the past. She… she hurt me so badly, I…”

“And? Does it matter? The heart doesn’t care much about what hurts us.”

“But I don’t love her,” he screamed. “I don’t want to love her, and I love you. I love you.”

Hyejin shook her head, tears falling freely as she couldn’t hold herself together anymore. Hearing those words, those damned three words she longed for for so long caused more pain than all those years spent wishing on a wishful fantasy.

“Please, don’t let your fears come between us,” he begged, moving closer to her, kneeling in front of her.

“But they’re not fears,” she said, “you choose her over me, you don’t even see how much you still want her.”

“I wouldn’t cheat on you.”

“I know,” she replied, smiling bitterly because a part of her wished he did. It would’ve been so easy, she would’ve had a reason to hate him, but instead, she had this beautiful thing in her hands, and she had to tear it apart. “I know you’re not cheating, but I know your heart is not on me.”

“That’s not true,” he insisted. “We were friends before being lovers.”

Yeah, and so were we. She thought. And only one of us is destined to be more; not us.

When she didn’t answer, he sighed. “Are you seriously breaking up with me because of her?”

“It’s not only her, Donghyuck.”

He groaned. “And then what’s the problem?”

“It’s us. It’s the way… I’m always the one making time for us. I’d go to the moon for you, and it’s not a burden for me, but I deserve more.”

Haechan didn’t say anything, just cried silently. He had failed. He had tried so hard to love her, and yet he had failed.

“And even when we’re together it just doesn’t feel right. Not like it used to be when we started dating, and not even like when we were friends.”

Haechan kept shaking his head. Thinking he was going insane. “No, I’m… I’ve been too busy with work, and I had a hard time.”

She grabbed his hands. “I don’t want you to constantly be with me, I want you to be happy when you’re with me, even if it’s just five minutes a day. And I… I feel we’re the happiest when our relationship looks like we’re friends. When we have those moments, when I don’t try to kiss you or search for your hand, I…” she sighed, feeling her heart sting. “I’m so, so happy you tried to make this work for us. I… I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same happiness I felt when we kissed the first time, or when you told me you loved me back, but I can’t keep living in a lie.”

“But it’s not a lie, I love you,” he said almost screaming, choking on his words as tears made it hard to breathe. “I do, I love you.”

“I know you do. If there’s one thing in this world I will never question is the love that ties us, but as painful as it is for me to admit, the love that ties us is not romantic, Hyuck. It will never be.”

Haechan didn’t reply, he only fell on his knees, hugging her as she sat on the couch and lulled him in her hold. Keeping him close while her fingers ran in his hair.

She always knew him before he knew himself. It had always been like this. Haechan could stare in the mirror and still don’t get himself as easily and swiftly as she did. And even if it hurt, that was the truth he wasn’t ready to accept. Time. Hyejin knew he only needed time to realize this was the right thing. Otherwise, they would’ve forced this thing to work until it would’ve torn them down and ripped away even the last residues of the beautiful relationship they always had. The truth didn’t help to make this hurt less. It didn’t stop his tears from feeling like bullets ricocheting in her heart and it didn’t stop his pleas to don’t leave him from feeling like life leaving her. She was the executioner and she had to cut deep. To promise him that eventually, they will be friends again. But not now, not so soon.

“I think it’s better to take a bit of time away from each other. We’re not what we used to be, we’re not kids or dumb teenagers anymore, and as much as I love you, I think it’s time we find our new selves.”

Haechan sobbed louder, hands clenching around her shirt, and pulling her closer to him. “You want to stop being friends too?”

“I need time, Hyuck. I need to find myself, I need to find my place in this world, and it kills me knowing my place here is not by your side.”

“But why? Can’t I make it work? I’ll be a better boyfriend this time.”

She cried, holding back a sob. “I can’t give you what you need, and you can’t give me what I need. I will always be glad for everything you gave me, but I… I need to stop loving so much, I need to stop letting love consume me until there’s nothing left for me.”

“I can prove you,” he mumbled, sniffling as he pulled back to look into her eyes. “I can make this work. We can make this work. Like we have always done. It’s us, it will always be us.”

“No,” she whispered, caressing his cheeks as her eyes melted into his brown ones, a strange mix of something that was home and something that was a foreign land. “Not this time, Hyuck. It won’t be us anymore.”

“But I… I don’t know how to live without you.”

She smiled. “You know. And we both know it will be scary but… I think it’s what we both need. You’ll thank me one day.”

“No, I’ll… I…” he sobbed, lowering his head, torturing his hands more.

“I can’t give you anything more, it will kill me.”

Haechan cried louder. “And what am I supposed to do without you?”

“Find your happiness,” she said. “Take her back, because I’m sure she loves you just as much.”

“No,” he sobbed, “don’t do that. You used to — you used to do that when you loved me in silence, and I couldn’t see what you gave me.”

“I know, but I know that it’s the right thing right now. I know there’s something bright and beautiful waiting for us, and if you don’t hurt, if you don’t bleed, you can’t heal and step out of the darkness.”

Haechan didn’t reply. He didn’t agree. He didn’t understand this. He felt so many emotions but he couldn’t deal with any of them. Too all over the place, crashing on him like a sudden waterfall. And he looked at her, trying to find a piece of what he loved the most to hold on to, and she was still there. She was always there. Full of love, for him. But this was the end, she wasn’t his anymore, and he wasn’t hers. Everything he knew in these past years was vanishing in front of his eyes and he couldn’t stop her. Once again, he was losing whom he loved so much, and he was powerless, watching her go.

“Do you hate me?”

“I don’t,” she reassured him. “But I need to let you go.” She stood up and Haechan grabbed her hand, squeezing before she let it fall.

“Don’t go,” he whispered.

“I have to,” she said, smiling weakly. “I love you.”

The door closed, and the cold air of the night sank deep into her bones. There were no words for the ache she was feeling, just like there were no words for the feeling that, behind all the pain, was telling her it was the right thing to do.

Sometimes the most painful thing to do is the right thing to find a better start. To find the true road destined for us. And Hyejin knew it, deep in her soul, that that was the right thing; it was time to go.

Falling out of love with someone you still deeply love is the worst feeling in the world. And you can only trick yourself so much into hoping something better waits for you. But when the rain doesn’t seem to stop, when the sun doesn’t shine, it’s hard to look out of the window and wish for a rainbow.

May was a month Hyejin hated already, the weather would start to get hotter, the library would fill with students studying for their tests, and the mosquitos would start biting her ankles.

May was a month Hyejin hated more now, other than the usual, she didn’t have her rides back home with Haechan, and she didn’t have her future anymore.

Hyejin never liked having to rewrite her plans. She made them in a certain way at the start for a reason, so there was no point drawing a line on them and doing it all over again. But she was left with no choice.

So instead of redrawing the picture she yearned for ages, she sat in her room, staring at the white wall, hoping for changes to show themselves.

If she was a warm light before, she was now a dark cloud bringing her gloominess around. She had to find herself, but that felt so scary when she didn’t have her other half by her side after a whole life together. She felt like a bird learning to fly, or a lamb taking its first steps. It was scary, and the only outcome possible seemed to be a catastrophe.

So she tried to hang on to the other people she loved the most. Going out with Yeri and Ningning when possible, or simply doing the things she loved the most on her own. She even thought about calling Jaemin, she missed him much, but after the small exchange of texts after the break up (“hey, heard what happened, if you need to talk I’m here!” and “yeah, thanks, I’ll call you if I need it”) nothing happened between them.

“Zoya?” She asked when the bell rang on a late afternoon on Saturday.

“Can I come in?”

Hyejin frowned, not understanding what she was doing there, but let her in anyway. “Sure. Need something?”

The girl shrugged, sitting on the couch. “Wanted to check on you. Haechan is a mess.”

Hyejin didn’t say a word, she simply stared at her, standing up close to the couch. “I’m fine.”

Zoya chuckled. “Sure you are. You broke up with the love of your life and want to tell me, you’re doing fine.”

Hyejin frowned. “What would you know about me, about us?”

She expected Zoya to react, but she simply smiled, snickering and lifting her hands up. “I’m here in peace. Trying to help a friend, if you still consider me one,” she said, eyes moving from her to the empty spot on the couch, a spot that got filled when Hyejin preferred to don’t answer.

“He’s not the love of my life,” Hyejin said bitterly.

Zoya sighed. “I think it’s funny.”

“What?”

“How we both left thinking he loved the other more.”

Hyejin’s eyes widened, staring at her in disbelief. “You did what? Wait, what did he tell you?”

“A lot of nothing, if I have to be honest. He was a crying mess, and then he fell asleep. Understood a bit more from Jaemin that has been listening to his nagging for weeks now.”

“I didn’t leave him because of you,” Hyejin whispered. “Not only. But you? I left giving him reasons, you left without a word. And left me there to mend the scars you caused.”

“I know,” she said. “And I feel guilty to this day, Hye. But I was a teenager, I was afraid. I… I always felt like I came between you two and whatever thing you had going on. Why do you think I tried to drift apart from our trio? I felt like I didn’t fit in that magic that naturally flew between you. But I would always come back, somehow. So I thought, fine, I belong there, and then… then we started dating. But when I got the news that I had to go back home, my fears took over again. I was terrified that… I was sure he would’ve stopped loving me and realize the feelings he hid for you.”

“He never loved me.”

“I could only see love behind his eyes, and I still do to this day. I felt like I could never compare to you. You were you, and I know it’s such a cliché thing to say but you know him more than he knows himself, so how could I compare,” Zoya explained, her lips curled in a small, bittersweet smile.

Hyejin furrowed. “So you left? You hurt him… why?”

“I wanted to tell him, but I was afraid he would’ve convinced me to try to make it work with the distance.”

“Why would it have been a bad thing?” She almost screamed, even angrier now that she knew all the pain he went through could’ve been avoided.

“I don’t like it. And… and I feared he would’ve cheated on me with you.”

“You’re so stupid,” Hyejin exhaled, eyes wide. “How could you even think that?”

“But that’s what happened!”

“It happened because you left, because you hurt him, and probably he never even loved me like that, he just had wounds too big to mend on his own and he used me to do that.”

“Are you saying he never loved you?”

“Not like he loved you. Not like a lover, but always like a friend.”

Zoya shook her head.

“You do know how much you leaving without a word hurt him, right?”

“I know. But I also knew he had you. And you were always ready to… to do anything for him, I thought it was safe. I thought a silly teenage love story couldn’t hurt him this bad. I didn’t think I meant so much to him. I thought his whole world revolved around you.”

Hyejin snickered. “I thought his whole world revolved around you.”

“God, we’re both so dumb, aren’t we?”

Hyejin laughed, tears rolling down her face as she threw her head back in a sigh.

“Don’t pretend you’re fine,” Zoya said, caressing her hair back and letting her thumb caress her cheek. “I know our friendship is weird, and I did my best to ruin it, but if you want to, I’m here… for you.”

Hyejin hummed, turning around, and meeting her eyes. “It’s just hard… letting it all go, and learning how to rebuild a house you thought was your home.”

“So why don’t you go back home?”

“Because it’s not mine. Because it was never mine,” she whispered, pulling her knees to her chest. “It’s not about you, it’s about us. We don’t work together, not romantically. That’s not my place in his life, and his in mine. And I don’t like it one bit, but it’s not the end of the world,” she chuckled bitterly. “I’m so young, and I could go out clubbing and get any person that I like, I should, maybe I will.”

“Need some company?”

“Yeah, why not?” She replied before breaking down crying. “The truth is I’m… I’m not made for that life. I’m not made for quick encounters and meaningless flirts. I don’t see myself fucking around, and then going on with my day. I’m such a… such a… mess.”

“Or maybe you just have different needs? There’s nothing wrong with wanting stability. It’s hard, it can’t be easy when all of a sudden everything you know doesn’t exist anymore. You can’t be mad at yourself for being terrified of the future.”

“But I hate being stuck,” she confessed, head falling on Zoya’s shoulder. “I feel like the whole world is moving on and I’m here, not knowing what to do with my life. It’s not even about love, it’s everything. I’ve got my major wrong, I’ve got my lover wrong, I’ve got a job I don’t want and I’m a terrible friend. Everything is a mess.”

“Maybe you just need to change your perspective. Flip the picture, put on a wig and become someone else.”

Hyejin furrowed and pouted, feeling like she was making fun of the situation.

“I’m just saying, were those bad choices when you made them? No. They were right at the moment. You are not in that moment anymore, you are moving on, you are changing, you are growing.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I know,” she said. “I spent months pondering whether to come back here or not, and when I did, the only thing I wanted to do was to leave again. But it turns out I only had to endure a bit more. I’m close to having my dream job, and you and Haechan welcomed me back. I’ve got to meet Jaemin and so many other people. It was terrifying eight months ago, but now? It can only get better.”

“I miss Jaemin,” she confessed, snuggling closer, needing to feel a warm and familiar embrace.

“He misses you too,” Zoya said. “But he also understands if you don’t want to see him ever again.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“He did,” Zoya replied. “Maybe you could start with him, I’m sure he’s a good friend. He could be a big support for you, don’t push him away.”

Haechan could only remember he felt a pain like this four years ago when Zoya left without a word and left him to bleed. Now he was older, wiser —some could say— and Hyejin didn’t leave him without a warning, yet, it still felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest.

He couldn’t deal with this. The thought of having lost his other half forever kept him up at night and left him wandering in the day like a ghost, desperately looking for salvation. But it was a lost cause when his salvation was her. Living without Hyejin was hard, it felt like he had forgotten how to breathe.

But he couldn’t rot in his bed and watch his life go by. He had to go to work, the same job that had torn them apart by keeping him too busy and stressing him too much. He had to hang out with his friends, or at least try to, not that he brought much to the table, only sad smiles and lame conversations as he counted time to go back home. But most importantly, he had to fight the urge to not pick up the phone and call her every time he was left alone.

Hyejin needed time. She made it clear — at least he believed so, the memories of that talk were a mess in his head — that they needed a break even from being friends. She cut him out of her life and he had to respect that.

But as weeks passed by, the anxiety in his chest grew. What if he had lost her forever? What if there was no space for him in her life not even as a friend? What if he fought harder and begged her to stay? Maybe she wanted to see him fight for her, to see how far he would go to keep her with him. Maybe he had done something wrong again, that was just another test he didn’t pass.

But he had no certain answers, and he couldn’t find them anywhere, not in the alcohol he drowned in, or the wasted hours staring at a wall.

He had lost the only answer he ever knew.

Jaemin was sleeping with guilt in his heart. He hadn’t heard from Hyejin for weeks, and he had to watch Haechan go through the worst pain ever.

And he wondered if maybe he had read too much into them, if he truly caused all of this just because he was jealous.

But when Hyejin finally showed up at the door, he felt the guilt leave him. He couldn’t say she was happy, but from the talks at the bar, he could get she wanted to start brand new, and those conversations with him, as painful as they were, were also helpful.

All the pain and guilt of the first weeks disappeared when they started to spend so much time together. Jaemin thought she hated him, so he couldn’t believe she was seeking comfort from him. And even if it was painful to be torn between her and Haechan (lying to him to don’t slap at his face he was still hanging out with Hyejin was more painful than he imagined) he had no other choice.

“Your room is pretty, you know?” Jaemin hummed while caressing her hair as they laid on the bed.

“You’ve never seen it before?” Hyejin asked, rolling her head back to look at him, watching as he shook his head before replying.

“Nope,” he replied. “I’ve been in the living room, kitchen and bathroom but never here.”

Hyejin smiled softly, moving closer to him, enjoying the way his strong arms wrapped around her. It felt like a silly thought, but every time he hugged her, she could feel he was hiding some big muscles under the big sweaters, and she was a bit disappointed that even with the hotter weather he kept hiding them, usually under wide t-shirt that hid more than half of his arm.

“Are you listening?”

“Mh, yeah, yeah, I am,” she replied, shaking her head, and cursing lowly for even thinking such things. “Okay, no, I wasn’t, sorry.”

Jaemin chuckled, kissing her head before repeating. “It feels like a privilege being here.”

“A privilege?”

“Yeah, Yeri told me you don’t let many people here.”

“Oh,” she gasped. “Well, it’s true. This room is like my safe place, I don’t like strangers to be in it. Honestly, I just don’t like staying here for too long. The only ones allowed are… was… Haechan and well, now you,” she mumbled, not knowing how to put it. Feeling a small twinge of pain in her chest naming Haechan.

“Yeah, makes sense,” Jaemin whispered, fighting the urge to ask more questions about him. It was a topic she avoided, the main reason why they got so close was that he would keep Haechan out of her mind, so talking about him wasn’t a wise thing.

“Iseul saw a cat today when I was walking her home from school,” so he changed the topic, surely talking about something that would’ve put her in a good mood, “she thought about you. So, she made me take a pic of her holding it, threatening me if I didn’t show it to you,” he said, giggling as he searched for his phone in his pocket to show her the photo.

Hyejin laughed, shifting to give him more space before pressing against his broad chest again, and waiting for him to find it in the gallery. “Oh, please, she’s so cute. I bet she named it.”

“Yeah, of course, she named it,” Jaemin said, scrolling through the thousands of pictures the baby made him shoot, “guess what?”

“Surely like food,” Hyejin said, not able to hide the big smile on her face as the pictures passed by her eyes.

“You get it, it’s Kimchi.”

“Kimchi? Did she also make you buy that?”

Jaemin raised a brow as to ask as if it could be any more obvious and Hyejin laughed. “She’s so funny. You know she loves you so much, right?”

“Yeah, I know. I love her too, I mean, she makes my days funnier, I’m not sure I want to work in a kindergarten just yet.”

Hyejin smiled in reflex as she watched the smile on his face, and then her brain let out thoughts. “You’d make a great father.”

Their eyes met and for a moment she felt the air stop and get heavy. She looked away and coughed. “I mean, kids love you, and you know how to take care of them. Whoever ends up with you is lucky.”

Jaemin hummed, slowly nodding as he stared at her back now that she was sitting up straight, scratching her neck. “If someone ends up with me.”

She scoffed. “Please, don’t act as if you’re ugly.”

“You think I’m handsome?” He asked, bouncing on the bed to sit next to her.

“I — I…” she mumbled, eyes skimming on his face, eyes, nose, lips, silky blonde hair framing everything that looked sculped by Gods. “I would be stupid to think you’re ugly.”

A smile curled his lips, and he stared at her lips. “I think you’re beautiful too,” he whispered.

She had no idea what was going on, but they both started to lean closer, too close, as their gazes were stuck on each other’s lips. It felt like being pulled by a magnet, a force stronger than their will, but it couldn’t be. She was the first one to back away, coughing awkwardly as she stood up and rubbed her nose before fixing her hair behind her ear.

Jaemin only lowered his head, sighing disappointedly and feeling his heart sink into his chest. What was he even thinking? As if there was space for him like that in her life.

“It’s dinner time, do you want to order something? There’s a place close to here that makes your favourite dish.”

“Cleo?”

Jaemin hummed.

“That’s where I always go, it’s my favourite place.”

“Great, I’ll order, then.”

The night passed with no more awkward moments, even though they were still close to one another, sitting side by side on the bed while eating and watching their favourite movie on the laptop, and then laying on the bed to watch another one.

Jaemin wasn’t much interested in the movie playing, his eyes moved on her every time she giggled or whispered something, getting lost in her beauty for too long. But by now he wasn’t surprised anymore, he had come to terms he loved her. And it was fine like this, even if she was never going to love him back. Not like he could her ask to, or even wish about, especially considering she had just broken up such a long relationship and surely still had feelings for Haechan.

But Jaemin liked this nonetheless. Being friends with her was already a win for him, especially after the rough path they walked on for a bit.

“Why don’t you stay?” When the movie ended, Jaemin barely noticed it and was taken by surprise when she spoke to him.

“Mhh? What?”

Hyejin chuckled, stretching her body and jumping off the bed. “I said, why don’t you stay?”

“For the night?”

“No, for the day,” she joked, rolling her eyes. “Of course, dummy. It’s late, way past midnight. You can sleep here.”

“Oh,” Jaemin gasped, lifting his wrist to check the time and realise it was indeed later than he expected. “You have another room?”

Hyejin shook his head. “No, but my bed is big, I’m sure we can fit.”

“You want me to sleep with you?”

Hyejin sucked her lips, furrowing, “Yeah? Is it so weird?”

“No, I — I just…”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, I didn’t want to make you drive back home, but you can leave if you feel uncomfortable.”

“I don’t feel uncomfortable,” he replied right away. “I just wasn’t expecting it.”

She giggled. “I asked you to sleep, not to do something else.”

“I know,” he retorted, glaring at her. “I wasn’t hinting at anything, I would never do that,” he stuttered, looking around to avoid her teasing gaze.

“Are you blushing?” She teased, jumping on the bed again to squeeze his cheeks.

“Stop it!” Jaemin said, trying to push her away, but the vain attempt only made her laugh more.

“I know I’m hot but I didn’t think I’d have such an effect on you,” she joked, getting up again, and sensually swinging her hips as she walked to the closet.

Jaemin huffed, running his fingers through his hair as he watched her. Oh, how many things she didn’t know. “You don’t have an effect on me,” he clarified. “I usually don’t sleep with my friends.”

“You slept with Haechan.”

“Yes cause my bed was lost in Ulsan for some reason,” he justified, throwing a pillow at her.

She laughed, shaking her head before turning around. “So, I guess you can do the sacrifice to squeeze in my bed?”

Jaemin gulped, involuntarily getting lost in the way her slender fingers were moving to unbutton her button-up shirt before he mentally slapped himself and looked into her eyes, a glint of teasing shining in them. “Yeah, I can do that sacrifice.”

“Good,” she smiled, walking out of the room after grabbing her clothes for the night.

Once they were both ready for the night, they laid under the covers. Jaemin tried to stay as far as possible, feeling too hot to even think about her, but Hyejin had no intention of keeping personal space.

“I don’t bite,” she said, glaring at him when he moved away. “Are you dating someone?”

“What? What kind of question is that?”

“I don’t know, we’ve been close to each other all day, we always are, and yet you’re acting like this,” she said, moving her hands to show him the space between them. “Is this weird because you’re dating someone?”

“I’m not dating anybody,” he replied, sighing and rubbing his forehead. “It’s a bit… hot, I thought you wanted space.”

“It’s hot?” She asked, lifting a brow.

Jaemin gulped, meeting her eyes shyly. “Maybe I’m just not used sleep with these covers.”

Hyejin hummed, biting her lower lip. “So, if we take them off, can I hug you?”

He didn’t reply right away, trying to understand why she wanted to be this close. But he couldn’t find an answer that he liked.

“Yeah, sure,” he said, lifting the heavy blanket from his body before shifting closer to her and opening his arm for her to lay on her chest.

She immediately placed her head on his pecs, while her hand rested on his sternum and inhaled deeply. “That’s better,” she said.

Jaemin chuckled, fighting the awkwardness and caressing her nape in circles. “You love this, don’t you?”

She hummed, snuggling against him. “Yeah, but it makes me fall asleep easily.”

“Good, didn’t you say you were having troubles falling asleep?”

“Yeah,” she replied.

“Maybe I can be the cure.”

Hyejin hummed, relaxing with each passing second, and before she could realise it, she fell into a deep slumber.

Jaemin was the cure.

“I hate summer so much,” Hyejin whined for the nth time, wiping away the sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand.

Jaemin chuckled. “Yeah, I would’ve never guessed.”

She rolled her eyes, ripping the cup from his hands before drinking it, and bringing it to her mouth. “Why does it have to be so hot?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, blame it on the climate changes.”

Hyejin studied his face for a moment, watching the smile stay on his face as he stared at the horizon, and then she let her head fall behind against the wall, watching the sky change its colour as the night approached.

It felt weird to be back at their place, it felt even weirder when Jaemin convinced her to come inside since Haechan was out (luckily it seemed like he was starting to move on and have fun on his own), she felt like a thief in a place that first felt like home. But on the balcony of Jaemin’s room, she felt a bit safer.

Two months had passed by, and while her heart wasn’t completely mended, yet, she felt confident enough to say she was doing better.

“I started painting again,” she whispered in the quiet of the night, lifting her feet on the handrail in front of her as she turned her face to her friend.

“Really? That’s great. What did you paint?”

She shrugged, shifting her head another time. “Things… emotions.”

“Emotions?” Jaemin asked, a confused frown on his face as he let his eyes wander on her. He loved how she was so open with him now, body relaxing against the chair, while she only wore black shorts and a tiny, pink tank top. And he couldn’t hide the smile as he thought about when they first met, and how awkward they both were. It felt surreal to be this close and at ease with each other. “How can you paint emotions?”

Her head rolled back as she breathed in a deeper breath and then scrolled her hair out of her face, bringing the glass to her lips before answering. “Without thinking. I like to use colours and not shapes,” she explained, smiling at him. “To be honest, I’ve never done it before, but it felt fitting. It felt therapeutic.”

“What colours?”

“Red,” she said, a bitter smile on her face. “I was angry and mad at love, I turned the colour that represents love into a dark mix of black and brown.”

Jaemin let out a bitter chuckle, lowering his head as sadness washed over him. “Love, uhm?”

“Yeah, I… I thought a lot about what you said to me and I…” she breathed deeply. “I don’t think I love him anymore.”

He raised a brow. “Are you talking about…?”

“Yes, about him, who else could I be talking about?” She giggled. “I miss him, of that I’m sure. But now that he’s not been part of my days, and I could think about these past years over and over again, I realized I was just hanging on to a dream. And I’m so mad at me for this, for not loving him anymore, because I feel so lost when loving him was all I knew.”

“But you love many things, not only him.”

“I do, but there’s… there’s this anger that I feel because things didn’t go as planned, because I got lost in a dream, because…” she sighed. “I lost my best friend. Love made me lose my best friend and my partner, my lover.”

Jaemin nodded, keeping his gaze on her face, watching it saddened a bit. “Why don’t you… talk to him? He misses you, too.”

“I know he does, but I’m not ready. I’m learning how to walk on my own, I’m meeting new people. And I feel like I’m finally growing up, you know?”

Jaemin hummed.

“I’m sorry, I annoy you so much,” she apologized, but Jaemin immediately stopped her.

“I like listening to you,” he said. “Did you draw something else?”

“Just that… until the canvas turned black. And then I set fire to it.”

“You did what?” He gasped, raising his voice.

“I needed to let it go!” She justified, shrugging.

“By setting things on fire?”

“I told you it was therapeutic,” she defended.

“Remind me to don’t stay too close to you when you’re mad,” he joked, shaking his head before he took a sip again.

She chuckled. “I was mad because I felt like I wasted so much time of my life on something that wasn’t meant to be. I feel like I wanted too much and lost everything.”

“It’s not wasted time if you loved,” he said, facing her. “So… you don’t love him anymore?”

“I don’t know, everything with him has been so blurry, I… I never had anybody else, I don’t know what’s love and friendly love and just attraction, I… but I’m so afraid of going out and just kissing the first person that passes by.”

Jaemin didn’t reply, he stared at her, the nervous playing of her fingers, the bouncing of her legs, and then her lips. Those lips he wanted to kiss so badly.

“Kiss me,” he said, eyes locking into hers, not drifting away not even when hers widened in shock. “I’m not the first person that passes by.”

“But — but you’re my friend, wouldn’t this be the same as kissing him?”

“Would it?”

Hyejin gulped, thinking about it for a moment, staring at his lips. How soft they looked, she wouldn’t have wasted a second doing it if only… if only…

“I don’t think it’s wise.”

“Come on, it’s just a kiss.”

“But what would it prove? I — I know I don’t like you,” she said, panicking when she was Jaemin’s eyes losing their typical sparkle. “No, wait, I just mean I want you like a friend, not a lover.”

Jaemin nodded, turning around, and getting up. “I know, it’s not like I wanted you to want me like that.”

“No, I’m sorry. Are you offended?” She asked, standing up, and blocking him from going inside.

“No, it was a dumb proposal anyway. I’m sorry, I surely made you uncomfortable. I just… I hate when I can’t help you, so I come up with a stupid thing,” he said, but he still avoided her eyes for most of the talk. “You should go outside, a club, or let one of your friends set up a date. You will never truly move on if you don’t see the different shades a relationship can have.”

Hyejin wanted to stop him again but when he tugged his wrist away, she had to let him go, standing on the balcony as he walked out of the room. She turned around, placing her elbows on the handrail, and looked at the view in front of her. Maybe she should’ve kissed him, maybe she should’ve let her impulses take over, but she didn’t want to lose another friend. She loved spending time with Jaemin, and she felt like only a few people — probably only Haechan — got her like he did. So his other solution was the most rational one. She needed to go out and flirt with people, throw herself on the dating ground and try to experience things she had never done before. It was the only way to move on from Haechan.

Haechan was doing better, some days he dared to say he was doing good, but then a random wave of sadness would wash over him and he felt like being back at the start. But those waves of sadness started to happen less, at least. He would keep himself busy, trying to hang out with his friends as much as possible to don’t stay at home and rot on the couch, and when he had to stay in, there was always Jaemin to keep him company.

Now, always... Jaemin was mostly out, doing things. Haechan didn’t get why he was so vague every time he asked where he was going or what he was doing, but he didn’t care enough to pry. Jaemin was reserved about his private life, and maybe he just met someone to spend time with. Haechan was happy for him, and he was sure it was just a matter of time before his friend would’ve opened up and spoken about this person he had fallen for.

Unfortunately, he had other things to worry about. And that was himself. He missed Hyejin, but he was waiting for her to text him first, or do any kind of first move. But not seeing her, not hearing her laugh, not listening to her day, pained him when he was left alone with his thoughts.

He had no idea how she was doing. When Zoya showed up at his place months ago, he had begged her to check on her, since she wasn’t even replying to Jaemin, but after that, he didn’t dare to ask. He hoped she was doing fine, but if that was true, it also meant that he was so easy to forget, and that hurt even more.

The worst pain of this all was that he had no idea if he was mourning love or friendship, maybe both, so that was why it hurt so much

“What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here? Really, Hyuck?” Zoya asked, pushing him back to make her way into the apartment. “You’ve been avoiding me, and you ask why I’m here.”

Haechan didn’t reply, he stared at the floor. Well, so, not only he didn’t want to know about Hyejin, but he was doing everything in his power to avoid Zoya.

“Why? What have I done?”

“Nothing,” he replied, lifting his gaze. “I need to be alone. Is it so crazy?”

“You are hanging out with everyone except me,” she said, crossing her arms on her chest. “What happened?”

Haechan sighed. “Do I have to hang out with you?”

“I just would like to know what happened since we used to do it when you were dating but now you can’t even pick up the phone?”

“Oh, you want to know what happened,” he laughed. “Very funny for someone that disappears without giving a reason.”

“Seriously? I explained it to you, I thought we were fine with that.”

“We were fine with that because I’m an asshole and I welcomed you in again without thinking twice, fucking up my relationship with Hyejin because, fuck, four years later and I still care so much about you, no matter all the pain you put me through. But no, dear, you never explained why you left me without saying a word, you never explained why you never picked up my phone calls or never answered my texts when I was worried sick because I had no idea where you were, with who you were and what you were doing. I feared you were taken back against your will, I thought that if only you’d spoken to me I could’ve helped you stay here even if your parents’ jobs required you to leave with them. I fucking asked my mother if she would’ve been fine with letting you stay with us, hopelessly thinking you would’ve at least let me know you weren’t hating having to go back to India. I blamed myself because maybe you were telling me something with your talks about how much you loved being in Korea and how happy you were to be here, how when you were a child you would’ve never expected to love a place you hated so much,” Haechan ranted, veins popping out of his arms as tears streamed down his face. “And you were fine, I bet you took the opportunity of your parent’s jobs to go back and erase everything as if it had never been,” he breathed out.

“I… I can’t tell you why I left, but I’m sorry, I told you many times how sorry I am,” Zoya whispered, fighting back the tears that were making it hard to talk and see.

“Yeah, you are, but don’t expect me to be open about what I’m going through when you can’t be open with me.”

“You would hate me if I gave you the reason, and you would think that… that everything is a twisted joke on you.”

He shrugged. “I’m used to it.”

Zoya sighed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand to dry the tears. “I don’t want to leave you alone. You and Hyejin have always been close to me when nobody wanted me, when I was just a small kid not knowing what she was doing in a foreign country, I…”

“We’re not those kids anymore, Zoya,” he said, looking into her eyes. Those eyes that still caused shivers to roll down his spine, those eyes he didn’t want to see because he would always get lost in them. Every eye contact was like a thunder striking him without his consent. And he felt like he had lied saying those words because if he focused on her face a bit more, he could still see the little girl he knew, the one that turned into the teenager that stole his heart before tearing it into pieces. “And I don’t know what I’m feeling, for her, for you, for me. It’s like a big tangle, and I’m stuck in the middle of it. I feel like I’ve already lost her, and I don’t know if I’ll also lose you.”

She shook her head, walking closer to him, wanting to hug him but didn’t. “You will never lose me,” she reassured. “And you will never lose her, she just needs time and space. I’ve seen love a few times in my life and I swear that I’ve never seen it as strong as in her eyes when they would fall on you. You two are something that can’t be torn apart, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t have obstacles to surpass.”

Haechan lowered his head. “But what if I don’t want to surpass them? I had her by my side.”

“And maybe you took her for granted?” Zoya said, and Haechan looked into her eyes. “Sometimes you have to lose something to know how much you care for it.”

“I knew how much I cared for it even before,” he defended.

“If she left maybe it wasn’t so clear.”

“So what do I have to do? Look for her? Force her into a relationship she doesn’t want? Beg her to take me back?”

She shook her head. “You have to wait, and she will come back to you.”

“I swear, we should do this more often,” Hyejin giggled as she poured the soju down her throat.

“Careful, don’t get too drunk,” Jaemin warned her after doing the same, placing the bottle on the countertop.

“I have a good tolerance,” she replied. “That club sucked.”

“People suck,” he corrected.

“True,” she chuckled, opening a kitchen shelf to look for food. “Chips?” She asked, lifting a bag of paprika chips.

“I’d love something more filling but this will do.”

She smiled, ripping the package. “Your room? What if he comes back?”

“He’s out tonight, said he’ll sleep over to Yang.”

“Can we still go up? I want to sit on the balcony,” she pouted.

“Whatever you wish,” he said, “Go, I’ll bring the rest.”

Five minutes later they were sitting on the balcony, the usual view as always as they shared a bag of chips and some drinks.

“Thank you for stopping that man before,” she said.

“Nothing,” he smiled.

“Wasn’t in the mood to fuck him.”

Jaemin giggled. “Not what you said when I picked you up tonight,” he said. “Tonight I’m getting laid,” he mimicked her voice and she laughed after pushing him away.

“I said I wasn’t in the mood to fuck him, not to don’t fuck in general,” she specified.

Jaemin looked over, pinching her arm. “You’re still not getting laid tonight.”

“It’s a shame don’t you think so?” She asked, voice dropping lower as she teased him twirling her hair.

“Indeed, it is,” Jaemin replied, running his tongue on his lips as his eyes lingered on her for a second.

“Got so pretty for nothing,” she pouted, pointing with her head at her clothes.

“The butterfly top is pretty,” he hummed.

“What about the skirt?” She asked, crossing her legs, making the fabric rise up on her smooth thighs.

Jaemin gulped, paying little to no attention to the black skirt, too focused on her soft thighs and the way her hands, covered in jewellery, touched her skin. “Pretty.”

“It’s really a waste,” she huffed, pushing the skirt down and yawing, making him snap out of his trance, nodding and forcing his gaze on the horizon. “But at least it’s not too hot.”

“No, not hot at all,” he forced out, trying to don’t think about the dirty thoughts his brain was screaming. He wanted her, now more than ever. It was already a miracle he didn’t ask her to kiss him while they danced together all night after he had to push some creeps away. But this felt like it was too much. And he couldn’t understand if she was doing it on purpose or if she had no idea of the power she had over him. Or maybe she thought it was just attraction, but to Jaemin was so much more than that.

“Can we dance?”

“Can we what?” He asked, turning around but the chair next to him was already empty as she was inside, busy to turn the music on.

“I’ve always wanted to try the speakers,” she said, putting a playlist on youtube and connecting her phone to them.

“Not too loud,” he said, “the neigh—”

“Shh,” she shut him up, placing a finger on his lips while her arm wrapped around his neck and her hips started moving to the sensual music. “Don’t think about anything.”

Jaemin wanted to retort, and even question why the music was so sensual, but he stood no chance with her eyes silently commanding him. So his shoulders dropped as he tried to relax to the music; a struggle when her body was grinding on his and her face was so close.

It felt natural, their bodies swinging to the rhythm as if they got those movements down by heart, as if it was supposed to be like this. Daring hands touching dangerous patches of skin, lips wanting so badly to get a taste, and eyes that were screaming thousands of secret thoughts.

It took Jaemin a while to realize what was going on, with his eyes closed, letting the music move him, he thought he was making the soft touch on his lips up, but when his eyes parted and she was standing face to face, he realized it was reality.

“What — what are you doing?” He asked, involuntary tightening the hold on her waist.

“Can I kiss you?” She answered with another question, eye contact not faltering not even for a second, and he wondered if she was the same Hyejin as always.

“I — I don’t think we should be doing this,” he mumbled, throat dry and legs weak.

“But you said I should try to kiss you and see how it feels,” she said, caressing his cheek. “I want to know what you feel like.”

“I’m… I’m bland, I don’t feel like — oh,” his words died down when her lips crashed against his, cupping his cheeks while the hand on her lower back pushed her flat on his body, lifting her from the floor for a split second.

Hyejin’s hand tightened on his neck, feeling her head spin, and she knew she couldn’t blame it on the alcohol. This was anything but bland. It felt like thousands of unspoken words and feelings being rushed on her, sweeping her like a wave. The shyness of their lips lasted less than ten seconds, and then Jaemin got braver. His touch was strong, and his lips were greedy, kissing her like she hadn’t been kissed for months.

“Jaemin,” she gasped when she pulled away for air.

“Yeah?” He asked, leaning in for another one, not giving her time to continue. But it wasn’t like Hyejin had any words left in her brain. This was breathtaking and addictive. A new kind of attraction she didn’t even know she could feel.

“Jaemin,” she screamed when he lifted her up, her legs swiftly wrapping around his waist, and trapped her against her wall. “God,” she moaned when he grabbed her wrists and pushed them over her head, lips moving to kiss down her neck, until he reached for the curves of her boobs, playfully biting down the soft skin.

“I need you,” Jaemin whispered, climbing up again, whispering against her swollen lips. “Please, let me have you,” he said, caressing her cheek, “I promise I’ll make you feel so good.”

Hyejin nodded, struggling to give him a vocal response as her body moved on its own, grinding on him and searching for more contact. “Please,” was the only whimper she could make come out of her lips, but it was more than enough for Jaemin to keep going where he stopped. A curse rolled from her mouth when he pressed his hips against her, making her feel how hard he was already, while his hands frenetically moved to untie the knots behind her back, soon letting the top fall loose on her before he pushed it off her arms, throwing it in a corner of the room.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he muttered, staring at her bare chest, cupping her boob as he trapped her lips in another kiss.

“Jaemin, please,” she begged in the kiss.

“You want me? Want me to stop fucking around and make you feel good?”

“Yes.”

Jaemin had no idea what was running in his body at that moment, driving him to act in a way he never acted before, craving her like he never craved anybody else before. He swiftly moved around to throw her on the bed, standing tall in front of her as he worked to take his clothes off, baring himself to her eyes, watching even the smallest of her reaction with a smirk on his face.

Hyejin had no idea either, she wasn’t even sure she felt that attraction before that night, and yet here she was, already wetting her panties just from the sight of his body, toned and beautiful just like she had imagined a thousand times before (maybe the attraction was there before that night, she was just in denial). She gulped, squeezing her thighs together when he pushed the boxers down, revealing his big, hard dick.

But as much as Jaemin would’ve liked to indulge in the sight of her surprise, he needed her. And in a second his body was on hers again, slipping off her skirt in a swift movement. When he kissed her again, pushing her against the mattress, her hands couldn’t help but wander on him, feeling his skin under her touch before reaching his hair and pulling strongly, making him groan.

A shaky breath rolled from her lips when his hand sneaked between their bodies and rubbed on her wet panties.

Jaemin chuckled. “So wet and sensitive, aren’t you?”

She hummed, not so confident anymore of keeping eye contact.

“And I barely even touched you,” he said, pulling the crotch to the side to move his tips on her slit and clit.

Hyejin would’ve liked to disagree, that was a lot for her. That passion, that need, was something that had been missing from her life for so long. And honestly, probably had never been much into it. She had never been lifted on her feet to be kissed, nobody ever pressed her against a wall and tried to undress her with rush and need. She never felt this wanted. And she couldn’t care there wasn’t love behind this, because it felt new and refreshing, and Jaemin was going to make her lose her mind.

“Fuck, babe, didn’t even have to push them in, look at how easy you’re taking them,” he whispered, bringing her back to earth, shyly trying to look between their bodies to see what he was doing. But his fingers curling so nicely and deep into her made her head roll back, mouth open as she moaned with no care.

The house was empty anyway. They had nothing to worry about.

Her hands clenched around the bedsheet when Jaemin’s lips made contact with her skin, starting to kiss and nibble at her jaw and neck as his two fingers never stopped doing wonders. Her whole body was on fire, back arching as she searched for more, eyes rolled back hidden behind her closed eyelids, and lips parted.

That was, to Jaemin, the prettiest view in the world. And he had to blink a few times to make sure it wasn’t a fantasy, that he didn’t have to blame it on the alcohol, but she was truly underneath him. “You can’t be real,” he whispered, staring at her face, contorted in an expression of pleasure.

Hyejin felt her heart twirl in her chest. She had never been touched like this by somebody that wasn’t him, never even ever imagined what other hands and lips could feel like, and she couldn’t believe this was what was waiting for her. That this pleasure was the something new that was missing. It was wild to her how much chemistry she was feeling flooding between her and Jaemin. How could he possibly be so good at playing her like a violin? Touching her as if he had been doing that for ages.

“I’m close,” she whimpered when she felt her stomach tighten. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting but surely not for him to fasten the pace of his fingers inside and the thumb on her clit, taking her breath away. “Jaemin,” she cried out, legs bending up in a twitch.

“Come on, you can take it,” he reassured her with no intention of slowing down, grabbing the hand that was clenching on the sheet as he sat up to have a perfect view of her trembling body. “That’s it, that’s it,” he encouraged, watching her hips lift from the mattress and feeling her pussy clench around his fingers.

“I — I…” she moaned, trying to find the words to describe what she was feeling but it was impossible since she never felt that way before. And before she could think another coherent thought, her orgasm got the best of her, hitting harder than ever before, making her legs tremble while her head rolled back and her eyes rolled in the back of her skull.

“Fuck,” Jaemin moaned when a jet of liquid hit his arm, coating it with thicker and more liquid slick. Shocked he had made her squirt so easily, but even more amazed at the way her body reacted to his touch. He didn’t stop moving, not caring if that meant adding even more mess as she kept squirting until the orgasm died down and she begged for him to stop.

“Shit,” Hyejin huffed, moving her hair back and forcing her neck to lift her head to come face to face with the aftermath of her orgasm. “What have I done?”

Jaemin pulled his fingers out, licking them clean, and then stared at her with a confused expression. “You’ve never done this before?”

She bit her lip, shaking her head with a faint red tint on her cheeks. “No. What was that?”

“You squirted?”

“I can do that?”

“Well, you did,” he chuckled. “It was pretty fucking hot if I have to be honest.”

She didn’t reply, only giggled before her body fell lack on the mattress again.

Jaemin chuckled back before he was where he was before, hands resting at the sides of her face and lower body pressed against hers. “I’m not done with you,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss her. “Tell me you want this. Tell me you want me.”

“I want you,” she said without hesitating not even for a moment. “Please.”

That was all he needed to push into her.

“Oh,” she gasped when he was halfway in and kept slowly making its way in, stretching her with each inch sinking deeper until he bottomed down.

“Are you okay?” He asked, standing on his elbows to be closer to her body, his chest pressing against hers, while their lips almost brushed.

“Yeah, it’s just been a while and it’s… big,” she chuckled awkwardly, “but it feels good, you can move.”

And so he did, going back on his hands to move more freely, driving his hips back before thrusting forward.

“You feel so good,” he breathed out, eyes falling where their bodies met before moving to her face again. “So, so fucking good.”

She wanted to reply and say she felt the same, letting him know how much she loved the feeling of being filled and fucked, but it was already impossible to speak coherent words.

Jaemin had so many things to say, but he had no courage to ruin this moment with feelings that weren’t returned. All he could do was try to show her how much he loved her and cared for her. He couldn’t whisper in her ear how lucky he felt at that moment, or how much he wished to be this intimate with her, he couldn’t even tell her he loved her. So he kept reminding him that this was enough, and it didn’t matter if tomorrow everything went back like before. He had her, and that was all that mattered.

But it was hard to don’t slip on those three words when she looked so pretty underneath him and kept moaning his name, loudly in the night with no care someone would hear. Why should have this ended in another way when they fit so well together? Jaemin didn’t get it, but he didn’t want to stain this moment with sadness, so he focused on her. Leaving kisses on her neck and chest, and touching her body all over because he needed to be reminded that this was real.

“Is this why you dressed up tonight and danced with me the whole time?” He teased. “You wanted me all along, didn’t you?”

She hummed, looking into his eyes but seeing blurry as all the pleasure got into her brain more and more.

“As if you need to do all that to get me on my knees,” he thought he said that to himself, well, slow enough she couldn’t hear, but those words reached her perfectly, and she wasn’t sure it was just a play for the sake of the dirty talk or if he really meant it.

“Jae, I’m close,” she breathed out, deciding not to think too much about it. Also, it wasn’t the first time Jaemin made it clear he found her beautiful and attractive, there’s was nothing to worry about.

“Yeah? Gonna come?”

“Yes, fuck,” she moaned, swallowing hard.

“Already, pretty girl? How desperate are you, uhm?”

She opened her mouth to reply but he stopped her with a click of tongue and a thumb on her lips. “Don't answer, I can see how desperate you are. How badly you need this, to be fucked good, and nice, and deep.”

Her body trembled at his words, and she couldn’t hold it in anymore, coming around his dick as hard as before, feeling the air leave her lungs and lust fill her brain completely, triggering his orgasm too with no warning.

When they laid there, they both felt stuck in a euphoric state they couldn’t explain. Surely for different reasons, but it felt like that chemistry couldn’t be turned off.

Right when Jaemin was about to turn over and ask her if she wanted to take a shower, he found Hyejin on top of him, pressing him down the mattress, kissing him roughly.

“I need more,” she whispered in the kiss, grinding on top of him. “Just for tonight.”

Jaemin nodded, stunned, not expecting her to initiate something for the second time. But he also needed more. “I’ll give it to you,” he replied, hands cupping her ass as she slowly lowered on his dick, letting out shaky whimpers as he filled her again. “I’ll give you everything you want.”

“Oh, I finally get to meet you,” Haechan joked, entering the kitchen, seeing someone sitting on the stool, wearing Jaemin’s shirt, and giving him their back. “Though, Jaem, the rooms are not soundproof and you kept me up all night.”

When the person on the stool turned around and Haechan saw her face, he could swear he could feel the moment stop. He stood there, frozen and speechless, the only part of him moving were his eyes, skimming back and forth from his best friend’s and ex’s shocked faces.

Nobody spoke. Nobody dared to say anything. Haechan wasn’t supposed to be at home that night, so they didn’t even expect him to be up so early in the morning as they both knew how much he slept when he didn’t have to go to work and slept over to someone else. But Haechan was there, staring at them while silent tears started streaming down his face and mixed emotions started to overwhelm him.

“You — you two are…” he mumbled, pointing a finger at them, trying to understand what hurt the most. His best friend fucking his ex. Or his ex fucking his best friend. “You two are fucking?”

“Haechan, is not what —”

“Is not what? You’re fucking my best friend?”

Hyejin got up, shaking her head. “It only happened once.”

“Once? I fucking heard everything! You kept going all night!”

“Oh my god,” she whispered, rubbing her hands on her face because that was so embarrassing. As if he wasn’t the one hearing her moans once, or seeing her naked, but now it felt weird. It wasn’t for him anymore. “We’ve never done that before.”

“Wait,” he said, taking a moment to think about the past weeks. “Have you two been hanging out all this time?”

“Why does it matter?” Jaemin tried to intervene, coming to her side.

“It does because you told me she wasn’t picking up your calls, and she wanted to keep her distance, and look at you,” Haechan said, scoffing bitterly. “Oh my god, is she… is she all the times you were busy? All the times you were vague about what you were doing? When you couldn’t explain why I couldn’t come with you, it was because you were with her?”

“Yes, I was,” Jaemin snapped, bringing his hands in the air. “And what about it? Me and her were friends, well, are friends,” he specified, a twinge of pain in his heart. “Why do you care?”

“Because I just wanted to know she was fine and you couldn’t even tell me she was,” he replied. “Fucking dumbass,” he murmured to himself, “I’m so fucking stupid. Always worrying you are hurt or something and look at you, fucking my best friend.”

“I was hurt,” she said, deeply offended by his assumption. “You think I was happy?”

“Well, I don’t know, you broke up with me,” Haechan screamed. “Was it because of him?”

“What are you saying?” She asked, starting to feel her throat close as tears menaced to have their best on her.

“Oh, please don’t act dumb, Hyejin,” he said, sniffling. “Of course, you like him. I should’ve seen it.”

“I don’t, we’re friends.”

“And since when you fuck with friends?” Haechan asked with more urgency in his tone, taking a step closer to her.

“I told you it only happened last night, and it’s none of your business,” she screamed.

“It is when you accused me of being in love with someone else to break up with me and then you were the one in love with someone else all along.”

“You are out of your mind,” she spat out, furrowing as her heart clenched.

“Oh, really?” he asked before throwing his head behind and pushing down tears. “For how long has this been going on?”

“There’s nothing between us,” Jaemin said firmly.

Haechan clicked his tongue, tilting his head to the side as he let out another bitter snicker. “No? Who are you kidding? You said I was busy thinking about Zoya as if you didn’t spend our last months together attached to him by the hip, Hyejin! You were always giggling and doing shits together and you still had the gut to blame me for your crazy ass fantasies about Zoya!”

“I never… I never blamed you.”

“Please, if that’s not the literal reason you broke up with me,” he retorted angrily, his gaze on her full of disgust and betrayal before it moved to his friend. “And you? I gave you a house and you came by charming my girlfriend? Aren’t you ashamed?”

“Ashamed? I should be ashamed for not treating her like an ornament like you did?” Jaemin snapped. “I was always there for her because I wanted to be there for her, because I cared for her, and I hated to see her smile drop every time she wanted to do something and, guess what, you would always say no,” Jaemin yelled, walking closer to him, making him walk back to the door, leaving Hyejin behind his broad back. “You lost her because you didn’t cherish her enough, because you didn’t care to listen to her or to make her truly happy. So tell me, have I charmed her, or did you take her for granted?”

Haechan didn’t reply, he briefly looked over at Hyejin that was staring at them with eyes wide open as tears streamed down her face, and before he could think twice, his body reacted.

“Haechan!” Her scream bounced in the kitchen walls when his fist landed on Jaemin’s face, making him take a few steps back holding his cheek in pain.

“You don’t have a say in our relationship, you don’t know shit about me and how hard these past months have been. You don’t know me! And you don’t know how much I loved her. It’s so easy for you to come in and be the prince of the situation, the saviour, the one that has his shits together, it has always been easy for you to do that, right?”

“Really? You’re telling me I lied? You’re telling me she didn’t come third in your priorities if not less?” Jaemin said, glaring at him as he once again moved closer, hand in the air to hit back while Haechan was about to do the same.

“Don’t you fucking dare —”

“Stop it!” Hyejin screamed, putting herself in between them. “Are you two stupid?”

“Are you listening to what he’s saying? Do you think that too? Do you think I didn’t love you enough?”

Hyejin didn’t reply, she only stared into his dark eyes and let the silence give him an answer he didn’t like.

“Why couldn’t you be fucking honest then? Why did you have to lie when we broke up? Why do you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you,” she whispered, shaking her head as if she wanted to push out all the pain and noises. “I could never hate you!”

Haechan sighed, looking down at the floor, not daring to watch how she held Jaemin’s shaking hand instead of his. Everything made sense. “You moved on so easily, everybody moves on so easily,” he whispered.

“Hyuck, we —”

“Don’t call me Hyuck, that name is not yours to call anymore. I’m not yours anymore in any kind of way. Fuck you, fuck our friendship, and fuck everything that has ever been between us,” he retorted, taking a step away. “I’m so fucking happy for you, go and live your happy life with your prince charming, the one that doesn’t have problems, the one that will always put you first, he surely loves you so much, my love will feel like a drop in the ocean compared to his.”

“Haechan,” she called, feeling her heart sink in her chest as he walked toward the door, following him, only then letting go of Jaemin’s hand. “Please, stop. We don’t even love each other.”

Haechan scoffed. “Funny you say that as if you didn’t tell me I still love Zoya and you don’t see the same love in my eyes. You always know what’s best for everyone, how can you not know what’s best for you?”

She didn’t reply, feeling guilty and confused. “Where are you going? This is your place.”

“Away. I don’t want to see you, or him. You can fuck somewhere else in the house if yesterday wasn’t enough.”

When the door slammed shut, more tears started falling down Hyejin’s face, she stayed there, staring at the wooden door as if she could turn back time and change everything of what happened, until she heard sounds coming from the kitchen that reminded her she wasn’t alone, and she wasn’t the only one hurt.

“Sorry,” she apologized entering the room, “you need ice.”

“No, it’s fine,” Jaemin said, trying to stop her from opening the freezer but all in vain.

“He hit you.”

“Yeah, and he had all reasons to do so,” he replied, chuckling bitterly and shaking his head as he sat on a chair, throwing his head back.

“No, he didn’t.” Jaemin hissed when she placed the cold item on his cheekbone after wrapping it in a towel. “You were right, and he had no reason to get so mad about us.”

“I was right but I wouldn’t be happy to hear those things, and I fucked up saying he didn’t love you,” he explained, leaning his head against her chest while her arms kept him close to her. “I’m sorry I put you in this situation, I should’ve said no last night.”

“No,” she said resolutely. “I wanted to do that, I don’t regret it. You wanted me, right?”

Jaemin took a moment to reply, if only he could scream how much he wanted her, if only it didn’t sound so pathetic after she made it clear there was nothing more going on between them. “I did, but I didn’t want it to lead to this.”

“But I’m free to do what I want. I don’t belong to him. We’re not dating anymore, and I didn’t break up with him to stay with you.”

Jaemin hummed, too tired to add anything to the conversation. Why couldn’t he have one nice thing without watching it crumble apart in a second? Why was he so stupid? Why did he fall for the wrong people?

“Hey, I loved being with you last night, I don’t want you to regret this,” she said, caressing his hair, pressing a bit harder on the swollen cheek, making him groan.

“I don’t regret it but…” he sighed, “now he’s mad, and we all fought, and… how do you fix this?”

“By talking to him,” she said. “I know him, he just needs to cool down, and then I’ll explain for the nth time why I broke us off. He will understand.”

“I hope so,” Jaemin whispered, letting his head fall in her warm embrace again. He wasn’t so sure about it.

Hyejin was right. After three days of cold shoulders, the three of them managed to sit down and talk about what had happened. It was easy to apologize for the harsh words and acts, but it was a bit harder to make Haechan believe she didn’t fall for his best friend months ago.

And even if Haechan was now sure about it, he couldn’t help but seethe every time he saw them together. He wanted to be the bigger person, but he wasn’t that mature yet. So that, and his need to at least have her around again, led to him nervously bounce his leg or play with his fingers as he heard them laugh in another room, or cook together, or watch a movie cuddled on the couch.

We’re not dating.

That was what they kept telling him, and pretty much everybody.

Bullshits.

It was what Haechan thought every time.

Maybe they weren’t, but denying the feelings that were so evident between them, was absurd to him.

But at least he —partially— had Hyejin back, right? That should’ve been the positive outcome of the whole situation; the healing of his suffering. Yet, it didn’t feel like it.

So he tried to lock himself in his room and don’t even think about what was going on outside. The plan was successfully failing, he needed a bigger distraction, and he had tried pretty much everything — from going out to drinking himself to sleep, and nothing worked.

“Can we talk?” Haechan asked, standing in front of Hyejin that was sitting on the couch, cuddled up against the armrest, busy reading a book.

Her eyes flickered up, staring at him as she shook the momentary confusion off. “Sure, sit,” she replied, patting the empty space next to her while bookmarking the page before placing the book on the coffee table in front of her.

Haechan coughed, sitting down almost as if he was a stranger in his own house, and he suddenly got why he hated seeing her there so much. It reminded him how much she was part of his routine, how she would always try to spend time there for him, how much this felt like her house too, and now it was all for someone else.

“Haechan?” She called his name when he didn’t talk.

“Where’s Jaemin?”

“In the shower,” she replied so nonchalantly as if it was so normal that she was waiting for him just like she used to do with him. “Why?”

Haechan shook his head, pressing his lips in a thin line to swallow the bitterness he felt rise. “Just asking.”

“Do you need the living room? I can go to his room —”

“No,” he stopped her, going to touch her with his hand but stopping mid-air. “I wanted to talk.”

Hyejin sat back down, confusion even more evident on her face as she tried to decipher his expression. “Is this about the other day?”

“No, we’ve already discussed it,” he said, leg bouncing nervously as he stared at the floor. “I just wanted to make conversation.” Lie. He wanted answers. Answers to questions not even he knew. If only there was something that made sense in his mind.

“Oh, sure,” she replied, shifting to sit better.

And when Haechan looked into her eyes he wondered if she couldn’t read him anymore or if she didn’t care to do it anymore, the latter was somehow much worse than the first one.

“I heard you started painting again,” he said, trying to hide the tremble in his voice and look into her eyes, feeling his heart warm up when her eyes lightened up.

“Yeah, I did,” she replied, smiling brightly. “Did Jaemin tell you?”

“No, I… I overheard the other day while you were making, what was it? Bracelets?” He asked, faking he didn’t sulk on that for days as he regretted all the times he said ‘no’ when she asked to try to do DIY stuff just for fun. “Yes, bracelets,” he said when she hummed. “I was cooking but staring at the pot wasn’t interesting, so my ears got caught, sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” she giggled, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

An awkward silence followed, something so jarring in their everyday life. They had shared their every day since they were three years old and there had never been an awkward silence or a dull moment between them, this was something they had no idea how to deal with, something that looked so scary if they dared to lean over and look at what the future held for them.

This was the exact reason why Haechan was terrified of letting those cursed three words slip from his mouth three years ago. And he couldn’t believe his biggest fear was staring at him right in the eyes, mocking him carelessly.

“I’m happy for you,” he said, letting her know the first thing that his brain could make up. It wasn’t a nicety, he truly was. Well, maybe he wasn’t exactly happy she moved on so easily, leaving him in the back as if a blow of wind had taken everything that had been between them, but he was glad she was happy and in love, whether it was because of Jaemin or her biggest passion.

“I’m ha — thanks,” she said, stopping mid-phrase, when she realized she didn’t know what was going on in his life. “What are you up to?”

Haechan shrugged. Maybe it was better not to have her at all if this was the only way he could have her now. It felt like a mockery she wasn’t the first one to know what he was up to. It felt crazy she couldn’t be happy for him because she didn’t know if he had something to be happy about.

“Just the usual,” he shrugged, looking around the room, counting down the seconds for Jaemin to walk out of the bathroom so he could have an excuse to leave.

“Did you see Zoya lately?”

But at those words he snapped his neck to her, a deep furrow creasing his forehead. “Is this a test?”

“No, I’m — I was just asking…”

“Why would you ask about her?”

Hyejin mouthed something, rubbing her neck. “I was just making conversation, she’s our friend.”

“She’s the reason you broke up with me,” he replied, more bitterly than it sounded in his mind.

“Haechan, do we have to do this again?”

“We’re not doing it again, I just don’t get why you would bring her up. Don’t go back to your words, you told me you felt I still loved her and didn’t love you anymore, so why am I the bad guy when I remind you that?”

Hyejin sighed. “I’m sorry, I… I wasn’t teasing, I was just genuinely asking. She told me you were avoiding her.”

Haechan snickered, shaking his hair before getting up. “Of course, she did, you two are best friends now, right?”

She furrowed, not understanding his sudden switch. “We’ve always been friends.”

“Don’t act as if you loved her, you hated every time she came around.”

“I hated the way you looked at her, I never hated her,” she clarified, clenching her hand nervously next to her leg.

Haechan scoffed, cocking his head to the side. “Oh, really? And how did I look at her?”

“Like you loved her!” She screamed.

“But when I say you and Jaemin love each other I’m the crazy one, right?”

“What’s going on here?” Jaemin asked, entering the room with hesitant steps.

“Nothing,” Haechan cut short, standing up to leave and go to his room, giving her his back and passing by his friend. “Maybe I need to make her fantasy come true.”

The night wasn’t supposed to end this way. When Haechan called Zoya to ask her if she was free and drove to her place, his only intention was to get drunk and rant about his feelings while she listened and then do the same for her.

So he wasn’t sure how they ended up naked on her bed, knuckles deep inside her while she moaned his name.

It would’ve been easy to blame it on the alcohol, but the truth is that the cans of beer were mostly left untouched.

The reason was bigger than that, but none of the two wanted to address the elephant in the room, and it was fine like this. Being tangled in the sheets wasn’t a new thing for them, surely years had passed, and they both went beyond the awkwardness of their first time, but there still was a familiar feeling lingering in the air.

“Haechan, fuck,” Zoya moaned when his fingers curled, hitting her sensitive spot, and his lips sucked harshly on her clit. Her heart dropped in her chest as butterflies took flight in her stomach when he only grinned, staring straight into her eyes. If she wasn’t drunk on the feeling, she would’ve wondered since when he was this good at this, but it really didn’t matter when her legs were trembling and her lungs were gasping for air.

“Too much for you?” He teased after pulling away from her with a loud pop sound, but replacing his tongue with his thumb, rubbing quick circles. “I’m not even started, yet.”

No words left her mouth, the only reply was in her hands moving down to tangle in his hair and push his face back between her legs. Haechan grinned against her skin before resuming his movements. Tongue moving in swift licks and mouth sucking, while his other hand ran up her thigh, keeping her spread.

“Hyuck,” her voice came out like a whisper while her back arched, feeling the orgasm approach, fingers clenching harder in his hair and toes curling. And his name was the last thing she was able to say before her high hit.

“Feared you weren’t letting me go,” Haechan joked, grinning playfully as he stood up once her fingers left his hair, bringing his fingers to his lips to lick them clean.

Zoya chuckled, supporting her upper body on her elbows. “You changed a lot,” she said, staring into his eyes, slowly moving back against the bed as he crawled to her.

“Is this a bad thing?” He asked, grabbing her chin to lift her face before letting his thumb run over her lips.

“I don’t know,” she whispered, feeling the tension rise up in the air, “I feel like I still have to get to know the new you.”

Haechan snickered. “Do you want to start getting a taste now?”

A smile curled her lips as she moved closer to him, lips brushing. “I’m not dumb enough to say no.”

This was a slippery slope and deep down in their hearts — and brains, too — they both knew it. But tonight it didn’t matter, tonight was just for fun. Nothing of this would’ve existed tomorrow. They could’ve pretended, leaving this as it was — a tangled mess of bodies and skin — and not an overcomplicated, emotional mess of feelings and fears, those were waiting outside at the door, but they would’ve faced them in the morning.

Haechan was about to open his mouth and say something, but Zoya was quick at shutting him up, one hand over his mouth as she moved her head side to side.

“Don’t,” she breathed out, glassy eyes looking into his, “Please, don’t say a word. Just fuck me.”

And he didn’t make her repeat herself, nodding quickly before slipping inside of her, watching her mouth part at the stretch as he eased down until he bottomed down.

“Fuck,” they both muttered at the same time, eyes fluttering shut for a split second before they opened again.

“Move,” she ordered, “do I have to guide you through this or can you fuck me good?”

Haechan furrowed, grunting under his breath, “I can fuck you good, and better than any other man has ever done. You should know that.”

Zoya scoffed. “I’ve had much better sex after you. You know, you weren’t that great.”

It could’ve easily been a trick to drive him past his limit and start fucking into her, but Haechan didn’t care. He wanted to prove to her he was the best she ever had.

“Is this how you want it? Hard and rough?” He teased, head tilting to the side as he watched her face let go into pleasure, head slightly rolled back while soft, husky moans slipped from her mouth. “Is this how my replacements gave it to you?”

A crease formed on her forehead as she forced herself to don’t reply. “You moved on, too,” she said, parting her eyes to meet his. “Much faster than me.”

Haechan scoffed. “Were you keeping tabs on me? Couldn’t even let me know if you were alive but were making sure to know my every single move?”

“Just shut up,” she groaned, pulling him closer by his hair, tugging at them harshly, biting his lower lip, making him whimper.

“What if I don’t want to? What if I want to — mmph — fuck,” he mumbled when she cupped his chin and squeezed tight.

“You don’t,” she replied sternly, taking advange of his momentary state of surprise to turn the situation around, pushing him on his back on the other side of the bed, quickly fixing her body on top of him. “You shut up and fuck me like I tell you to, okay?”

“This is not me fucking you, it’s you fucking me.”

“Good,” she breathed out, “better even, so you don’t act up.”

“I was just —” his words died in his mouth when she pushed two fingers inside, pressing down on his tongue, making him gag. “Suck,” she ordered. “You’re so good with your mouth when you suck, so keep it busy.”

Haechan wanted to complain but he physically couldn’t, and honestly, after a few seconds, he couldn’t even care. Not when she was riding him so well, filthy sounds of skin slapping against skin filling his brain and getting him drunker on the feeling. He wasn’t used to this, going back to back into stable relationships he rarely felt the heat of irrational sex, and even more hate sex. He could read it in her thrusts, she was mad, angry at him, but didn’t dare to say anything out loud, so she unloaded in another way. And he was mad too, he was so angry, and he didn’t even know why. He didn’t know anything anymore.

“Fuck, that’s good,” she hissed, throwing her head back, sinking her nails into his chest while the others kept keeping his mouth full. “Just take it and don’t say a word,” she ordered when she pulled her fingers out, messily smearing the spit on his chin.

And he didn’t complain, he couldn’t, it felt good, and he felt like he needed to be punished a bit, he deserved to be put back in his place.

And with all those emotions running through their bodies, it didn’t take long for them to come. Panting bodies, needy hands, and breathy, desperate moans, making a mess on the sheets, letting out senseless words and curses, before everything came to an alt.

Her body collapsed on his, and with the few strength left his arm wrapped around her waist, thumb caressing a patch of skin.

The night wasn’t supposed to end this way.

“I think I fucked things up,” Jaemin and Zoya said at the same time as they sat down at a table at the bar where they set the date.

“You start,” they voiced out together, rolling their eyes at their thing today.

“I fucked with Haechan,” Zoya confessed, nervously biting her lower lip.

“You did what?” He gasped, eyes widening in shock while his mouth hung open.

“What you heard, Jaemin. Please, don’t make me repeat it,” she huffed, rubbing her temple.

“But why?” Jaemin asked. “I mean, you’re allowed to do what you want, but you were the one telling me he was a prohibited zone?”

“He was, I mean, he is, I just,” she sighed, running a hand in her hair, and looking outside at the street before bringing her attention to her friend. “I guess we both felt lonely and it’s easier to fall in the arms of a friend than a stranger,” she shrugged.

Jaemin chuckled bitterly, bitterness filling his heart, but Zoya looked at him with a confused expression, thinking for a moment he was mocking her. “Oh, no, I agree. I kinda did the same thing.”

“Don’t tell me…” Zoya whispered, and when Jaemin lowered his head, giving her a silent answer, she gasped. “You said you weren’t going to be near her like that!”

“She did it first!” Jaemin justified. “I tried to push her out of my mind, I swear I tried to erase my feelings because even if he was a shitty boyfriend, I still felt wrong for that, but it happened…”

Zoya was speechless, looking around as if she could find the words somewhere, before her gaze fell back on him, trying to comfort him with a smile. “Tell me he doesn’t know?”

“He knows, he punched me,” Jaemin facepalmed.

“Oh, Lord…” she gasped, quickly covering her mouth with her hands. “At least, are you two together? Because I’m not saying I would feel less guilty, but I would.”

“She doesn’t care about me,” Jaemin whispered. “Not like I care about her.”

She frowned. “But you said she started it?”

“It was just sex, Zoya. She’s never been with anybody but Haechan, she wanted to get laid the other night when we went clubbing, but she sucks at flirting, and I simply was there, right time, right moment.”

The coldness behind his voice made her sad, watching him try to cope with it and pretend he didn’t care, sucked. “But why would you say yes if you love her?”

“Because I thought it was better than nothing,” he replied before sighing. “And because I thought I could make some magic tricks with my dick and make her fall for me, what a dumbass.”

Zoya chuckled before reaching for his hand and caressing it. “But… are you sure she doesn’t even like you a little bit? You two are close.”

“Did Haechan talk about us?”

“He did, he ranted saying you go around looking like a couple to rub it in his face, but he didn’t talk about the sex thing,” Zoya explained.

Jaemin rolled his eyes, of course, he was going around saying they acted like a couple. “We don’t, he’s just jealous. Hyejin might not love me, but she’s happy with me, and she’s also happy with herself in a way she simply wasn’t when she was with him.”

Zoya sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. “He wasn’t like that when we were dating. I had my insecurities and fears, but he rarely fed into them. I’m not saying he was the best boyfriend ever but… he was.”

“I know right? He’s not a bad person, but you agree that Hyejin is shining now that they’re not together anymore?”

Zoya exhaled deeply. “Yeah, it’s true.”

“Anyway, should we order and stop talking about this? It’s kinda making me sad,” Jaemin chuckled, handing her the menu.

Zoya smiled, nodding. “Sure, before my appetite disappears.”

Lunch went on fine, talking about more and less, and somehow never going back to the ‘Hyechan’ topic again, but when they were walking around town and the things to say to each other about the week ran out, Jaemin couldn’t help but ask.

“So, what will you do with Haechan?”

Zoya stopped abruptly, taking her eyes off from a bag in the window and looking at him. “Nothing, it was just sex and a very dumb idea.”

“Do you still love him?”

She gulped, swirling the liquid in her cup to take her time. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ve ever stopped loving him. But I can’t do this to Hyejin… it would be like proving her right, and potentially even putting her against Donghyuck because she’ll think he was in love with me even when they were together.”

Jaemin hummed. It made sense, it sucked, but it made sense morally. “That’s how you felt when you found out they started dating after you left?”

Zoya hummed, fighting back the tears. “Yeah… I can’t do this to her.”

“So we’re fucked?” Jaemin asked. “We might as well give us a try, maybe it was supposed to be like this.”

Zoya laughed, pushing him away with a light slap on his arm. “I doubt we will work romantically.”

“No, no, I agree,” he giggled, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as they started walking again. “I just wish it was easier. I wish it wasn’t like walking on a tightrope with the risk of losing friends…”

“Haechan doesn’t talk to you anymore?”

Jaemin hummed. “Just greetings, and when we talk about something else, we bicker.”

“I can talk to him,” she proposed, genuinely feeling sad it all came down to this.

“No, I’m in the wrong too because I get aggressive and defensive even when he tries to simply communicate. I’m stressed and scared, and I fuck things up too. And if I was him, I wouldn’t trust me anymore… I should’ve said no to her. It was like stabbing him in the back.”

“Or maybe we should all be looser and let everything find its place? She’s not going back to him, so she might as well come to you.”

“You just said you can’t take Haechan back because it would be like betraying her trust?”

“It’s different, I’m his ex, the reason why she already felt insecure for months, years, if we want to be honest. If I get in the picture, I would tear their friendship apart too, and they don’t deserve it. I have to take a step back, breathe, and remind myself that there are thousands of other people in the world waiting for me, and Haechan is not one of these.”

Another sigh left his lips as he nodded. “Still, if she doesn’t love me there’s nothing I can do. I’m sure she will find her person, and I’ll be happy for her when it happens.”

Jeno should’ve thought twice before inviting every person of his groups of friends to this small party he threw. It was nothing wild, something to drink, something to eat, and music playing from the speakers. The place was crowded as there were a lot of +1, but the air was still breathable… for some people at least.

Haechan wasn’t having a great time as he held in his hand the — by now — empty glass and pierced his gaze on Jaemin and Hyejin that had never stopped dancing together since they arrived.

It should have been none of his business, he could’ve easily looked away and maybe even flirt with anybody else, but he couldn’t.

“Can you at least tell me if I’ll ever have you in my life again?”

When Hyejin walked out on the balcony of a bedroom upstairs, she didn’t expect Haechan to follow her. She thought Jaemin was going to tag along and enjoy the peace of the quiet of the night, but instead, a very heartbroken Haechan was standing in front of her.

“I didn’t want to follow you,” he said, leaning against the window, “but I need to talk to you. I need answers because I hate everything about this, and it’s driving me crazy.”

“And what do you want to know? I can’t see into the future, Haechan. I can’t promise you or Jaemin anything…”

Haechan huffed. “See, you always bring him up. And it’s like you do it on purpose to rub it on my face. I hate seeing you with him, not like this, not so soon.”

Hyejin scoffed. “Then why didn’t you show me you cared when we were together?”

“But I do! I did care, we could’ve solved this by talking instead of cutting things off.”

“I didn’t cut you off, I needed time. I will never be able to live my life without you, at least that’s what I think, but I opened my eyes and realized that that wasn’t your place.”

Haechan felt his heart drop. At this point this wasn’t even about love, it was about everything that had been between them since they were little. They were walking on a tightrope with no safety net, something they’d never done before, and the outcomes looked terrifying. “And it’s his? It’s Jaemin’s?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “He’s just a friend…”

He scoffed. “Oh, seriously? You treat friends like you treat him?”

“He cares for me,” she retorted, brain running faster to come up with an answer. “Maybe that’s why you’re mad and jealous, you are afraid he will treat me better than you even as a friend, you’re terrified he will take me away from you. But tell me, are you mad for losing me as a lover or are you shitting yourself for losing me as a friend? As your best friend, as the one that has always been by your side. The one that cleaned your wounds, the one that walked with you every step of your life. Because I shit myself too when I think that maybe we will never have that back when I think that I lost you and there’s nothing I can do to have you back,” her voice came out higher than she wanted to as she tried to fight against her tears and don’t sob like a child, but the alcohol and the conversation weren’t helping.

Haechan took a step closer. “I don’t know. I wish I knew but I don’t know. I… I miss you and I don’t know what I miss of you. But I hate that you lie to me. You let him kiss you just two seconds ago, I saw you, and I… I never felt more jealous than this in my life. I want to be the one kissing you, I want to hold you, I want to…” he sighed, looking down at the floor. “I want you.”

Hyejin sniffled, shaking her head. “Do you really? Or is it just because we are the only ones we’ve ever known, and we’re terrified of navigating life in a different way? I… I’m so confused and every time I think I’ve taken a step forward, I see you and it takes me back to the start.”

“Then let’s give it another chance…” he said, holding her hand.

“I can’t… Jaemin…”

“So you see you like him?”

“I don’t know if I do. I don’t want to use him, but I don’t know what I’m feeling. I know I feel good with him, and I know he gets me so much, Hyuck, you don’t understand how easily and quickly Jaemin understands me, you have no idea how he makes me feel. But I’m terrified, I’m afraid I’m rushing everything, and I don’t want to lose him too.”

“I can make you feel good, too. I used to understand you so easily, what happened?”

“I don’t know what happened, but something happened and here we are…” she said, looking into his eyes. They were standing so close to each other now, and she felt her heart skip a beat. But this didn’t feel like it used to feel. Staring into his eyes, she could only see blurred lines and holes. Surely there was tension, but she knew it was driven by dumbness.

“Please, just another chance.”

She felt the need to lean forward, to kiss him, to feel his lips again, but she couldn’t. “I can’t.”

“Why? Are you two dating? Or is he the only one having feelings for you?”

“It’s because I know you don’t love me and it’s just jealousy.”

“You always know everything, don’t you?”

Hyejin lowered her head, hugging herself as she felt her heart slump into a void. No, she didn’t know a thing. She needed to let go, but holding onto Haechan was so tempting when he was her safety net her whole life. And right now, he was right there, begging for another chance, just like she wanted before she took her decision of breaking up.

“It’s always on me,” Haechan said, walking closer to her, pushing her close to the wall, “it’s me loving somebody else, it’s me not caring for you enough, what about you? What about your feelings for him?”

“I broke my back to be with you, I started doing so many things for you, I… I even tried to look past all of our differences to make it work and you only… you didn’t even meet me halfway.”

“Tell me you love him,” he urged. “Tell me you love him as much as you love me, now. Tell me pushing me out of your life has made you feel better!” He said, crying.

“I don’t love him, I don’t even want to think about him,” she screamed before impulses took over and she kissed him. Haechan immediately kissed her back, hands cupping her face as he pushed her against the hard frame of the window, bodies pressing against each other.

A stupid urge that was going to stain that picture with more blood, especially when their hands moved to undo the buttons on their pants, touching each other in a way they haven’t done in months, feeling adrenaline and pain rush in their blood.

“I can still give you so much,” Haechan whispered while his fingers moved in circles on her clit, still covered by the panties. “Don’t leave me, Hyejin. I need you so fucking much.”

“I — I need you too, but I — I don’t,” she sighed, head rolling against the hard surface because of his fingers. “I don’t know how I need you.”

“Don’t think, don’t worry, we’ll solve this. We can do that, we’ve been through so much together.”

Hyejin nodded, feeling tears roll down her cheeks. Not this time, a solution wasn’t going to arrive for this. Always, but not this time, not so soon, not now, and not like this.

“Please, let me make you feel good,” he whispered, kissing her cheek, waiting for her answer, a nod was all he got and a small smile.

But his slender fingers knuckles deep inside of her didn’t feel as good as they used to. The physical pleasure wasn’t enough to suppress the emotional pain they were feeling. The uncertainty, the mess, and the future. Her hands quickly moved up and down his hard dick, trying to focus on him too, trying to feel him more, to make this look like it was, but nothing was like before, it was all different, and they both knew all of this had no meaning, no depth, no feelings if not regrets and fears.

When the glass shattering echoed in the room, they both brought their teary eyes to the source of the sound. Jaemin was standing there.

His eyes immediately locked with Hyejin’s as he tried to hold back his tears, wanting to leave the room as soon as possible but somehow feeling stuck.

They all felt the same way, almost as if every single one of them was in the wrong and had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

Yet, the first one to break this tension was him.

“I’m sorry, I thought you were alone,” he quickly voiced out before stepping out of the room and closing the door.

“I — I…”

“You have to run after him,” Haechan finished for her, moving away from her, looking at the floor, quickly buckling his pants again and cleaning his fingers on them.

“Aren’t you mad?”

“Am I happy? No. But mad? For what?” he whispered. “I’m just terrified because I don’t have answers, but I’m pretty sure you have them, so go and finish this.”

“But we kissed, and your fingers were into me two seconds ago.”

“And?”

“And…” she said, lightly shaking her head to urge him to make two plus two and come to a conclusion.

“It wasn’t like before. It was full of fears and thousands of things we never had the courage to face. Not you, not me,” he sighed, sniffling. “I’m sorry.”

Hyejin raised her eyes, feeling tears drip down. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose you either but maybe we really need more time off. I don’t think I’ll truly get over you if I keep seeing your face, if I keep seeing you with him.”

“But what if I’m using him? What if… what if what I’m feeling it’s just momentary? He doesn’t deserve this.”

“He loves you enough to pay the price for giving it a try. He would’ve left you behind months ago if he didn’t truly care for you. And I hate this so much but… yeah, you’re right, knowing that you’re with him drives me so mad because I know he will love you more than I ever did, and I’ve always been your only one your entire life. I’m not used to being on the sidelines of your life, and I act like a child when it happens.”

Hyejin sobbed, shaking her head. “But I don’t want to push you on the sidelines.”

“But you’ve only had eyes for me your entire life, and I’ve drugged myself into that feeling, and now that your eyes are not for me only, I feel lost, scared, and worthless. And it’s selfish, and you’ve already been enough selfless for me, I can’t ask you to be selfless even this time. Go to him, go to him before this thing can get messier.”

“What if… what if I’m not ready? What if it’s not about him but me?”

“He still deserves an explanation. I don’t care, blame it on me, Hye, say anything, but don’t hurt him. You were all over him all night, and me and my stupid games lead you here.”

“Our stupid games,” she whispered. “I still don’t know what to tell him.”

“Anything. Just don’t hurt him.”

“Hey,” her voice resonated weakly in the night air as she rested her arms on the terrace, standing next to Jaemin.

He was quick at wiping his nose and cheeks quickly before coughing and turning to her, nodding his head in a small greeting.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, gaze fixed on him even if he was staring at the road in front of them.

“For what?”

“You know for what,” she said.

“No, I don’t,” he replied.

She sighed. “That I kissed him.”

Jaemin shrugged, peeling the crusty paint on the rail. “My fault for not knocking, I hope I didn’t ruin the mood.”

She sighed. “You… you don’t care?”

“Why would I?”

“Because… I don’t know, I thought that we…”

“We just fucked once, and made out before, it’s meaningless,” he said, a bitter smile on his lips. “I understand, really. It’s not easy to move on from what you had.”

“You think I still love him?”

“I don’t care,” he said, taking a step back.

“You don’t? I thought — I thought you did…”

“You’re a grown-up, you don’t need me to make a choice. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever been one of the options to pick so, I don’t care.”

“But you said — you said all those things, about me and him,” she said.

“Weren’t they true?”

“Yes, that’s why I broke up with him. Now you’re fine with me going back?”

“I don’t care,” he repeated sternly, but it felt like he was trying to convince himself. “It’s up to you to decide if it’s a smart choice or not. Who knows, maybe he’ll learn this time.”

She sniffled, looking down. “So… we were just… just sex and… and kisses?”

“Kisses,” he snickered.

“What? Don’t act as if we didn’t kiss more than friends would.”

“Friends don’t kiss, Hyejin. They simply don’t.”

“But we did… not only now, we… when we’re cooking together, when you drop me off work, when you…”

“And you kissed him, well, you were all over him, I wouldn’t even call it a kiss,” he pointed out.

“I’m sorry.”

Jaemin shook his head. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. Not my first time being a rebound.”

“You’re not a rebound.”

“Well, whatever I am, it’s clear you don’t love me, so let’s just stop with this. it’s clearly just attraction,” he said. “No more kisses from now on.”

Hyejin shook her head. “No, not from now,” she said, reaching him. “From tomorrow.”

But Jaemin pushed her away.

“You can’t force something that’s not meant to be.”

“How do you know?”

“What?”

“That it’s not meant to be, how do you always know everything? Why do you have to be wiser than me? Why can’t you be stupid and do stupid things like kissing me, over and over, until I have no more air in my lungs? Why… why can’t you fight for me?” She asked, feeling her throat close while her eyes got foggy again.

“You want me to fight?”

“I want you to want me.”

“I want you,” Jaemin said, feeling his heart break for his following words, “I don’t love you, that’s the difference.”

And as Jaemin left her outside alone, the truth started to sink in while she stared at the ghost he left behind. She had lost both loves of her life in one night.

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