#the finals were supposed to be today
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our teacher is an irresponsible lil bitch
#the finals were supposed to be today#aside from not sending the lists of who may not come (gets an a regardless bc of good grades)#he also didn't fucking come. at all.#ivan shitson the sayer of bullshit !!!
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ppl who commission me for the charity stuff often up the $ amount they strictly need to donate and I really appreciate that, it always feels somehow inappropriate to mention it too much (I don't live in a culture that does tips I'm not used to it lol) but I wanted to shout a general Thank You to everyone who helps out 💫🤍🤍🤍💫
Mostly unrelated but ppl who commissioned me recently, I'm gonna split it even between two organizers (less money lost between PayPal and GFM if you do it in big sums rather than many little ones) I'll still be sending receipts soon but jsyk
#I'll let comm ppl know in PM too. I just can't rn. sry I wanted to make a general statement#PayPal is finally releasing me my money where its supposed to go#So today I hope. Khartoum kitchen and Ele Elna Elak#No shade to ppl who don't tip for charity! I know were all stretched super thin definitely not about that#I appreciate everyone who helps out xoxo#not an art
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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship
#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it#it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper#provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the#interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after#50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked#his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it#he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from#when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has#his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever#but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how#we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe#cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna#back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed#practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence#we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one#who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted#to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say#goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa#the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding#his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.
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Sparkstember Day 28: The Sparks Brothers
I'm not a movie person... So when I do actually rewatch a movie (I mean, even watch it, at ALL, haha) it must really mean that something is up. I mean, well, it also IS a thorough, highly enjoyable and visually appealing movie about a band that I've been so incredibly invested in for the past several months. So maybe it's a surprise that I don't watch it more often actually. Because one beautiful side-effect of seeing it each time was getting an unexpected and very strong surge of motivation to keep on going towards the things that matter to me the most, despite any and all obstacles that could appear on the way. Another side-effect of it is being happy and joyfull and being filled with warm feelings and thoughts for the whole following day at least. Usually up to 3 days afterwards actually.
But ok, of course, what I'm getting at is that the Maels' story is so incredibly inspirational. Seeing how they persevered through all those years and NEVER lost their spirit or their vision, never gave up... is not only moving but also something that reminds me that wow, so much *really* is possible. I spent so many years fully convinced that there are things that I'll never be able to achieve. And sure, some of them are indeed pretty unlikely to happen. But if you told me from even one year ago that I'd be making art daily and not dreading being so much as perceived anywhere in the great world (so, including the internet)... well, I would have not believed it at all. I really mean it when I say that I used to believe that there are things that I'll just never be able to do. It's like it was simply not meant for me to be able do it and have those experiences. And yet...!
There's a lot I owe Sparks and this is one of the biggest things I'll always be grateful for. They really changed my life for the better. Truly nothing else before them reaches the same degree of how much it helped me. And well, I'm saying this on TSB day because this is where this feeling of gratitude and feeling SO lucky becomes the strongest. And the beautiful thing about it all is that they were always just themselves. They had their vision, they knew what they wanted to do and didn't care about how it would be received. Which is such an important and meaningful message to me, I can't even express how huge it is to me to see these two people who only really had themselves and their endurance and got exactly where they wanted to be.
Alright, some less grandiose observations now. Well, let's start with the fact that this was by no means my introduction to Sparks but it still really cemented my love for them even more. I loved being reminded of their whole journey and learning more about it, and even moreso I loved being able to see more of their beautiful brotherly bond and their wonderful personalities. Truly no other people in this whole world make me as happy as them currently. And the brothers' sense of humour hits super close to mine, so this is also a time filled with genuine laughs (I die laughing at the absolutely true Sparks facts at the end EVERY TIME). And since I'm a huge fan of animation and mixed media art and such things, this was simply a joy to view for my more artistically-inclined side too.
And damn, those two hours and 15 minutes really fly by so fast. When I have to arrange a huge timeslot to watch it all in one go, because that's the only way to do it for me, and then it feels like no time has passed anyway. And even with so much being said there, it feels like there's still so much more to get to. But it's still enough to lift my spirits completely for a pretty long time. And to make me cry a lot of the time too... Absolutely impossible to not shed a tear by the end of it all. It's moving, it's funny as heck, it's super fun and it's absolutely beautiful and truly lifechanging. 💖
#once again had no inspiration to write for hours. but at least i managed to finish it before midnight#(this was supposed to be short btw)#and anyway i guess that this is the point when i can't help but get even more personal than usual#but fuck it we post anyway. i wouldn't let myself just not post so far into the month#maybe someone else can relate or someone can also gain hope that yes there are goals that you really can reach actually#if you really want it you know. i know it's easy to think that it all sucks and leads you nowhere. that's how it USUALLY feels to me anyway#but there are at least those moments when i can finally realize that man i've come so far#like. for real. it's true. i actually did the thing!!!!! you know#but uh well. not entirely happy with this post as usual but this is the best i could come up with today#well it's such a good thing that i can actually think and talk about sparks literally always#so this doesn't have to be some kind of final statement about it all from me. yay!#and yeah as i said the maels' bond is very touching to me so i had to highligh it a bit today#so have some good-spirited big brother bullying lol. and wow making it look like an old photograph was actually not that hard#but the poses WERE a struggle to get right i'll admit#and now just to find something more in me to say still on latte day and on the final day...#sparkstember 2024#my art#goose monologues
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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:O
#Wow. Mr Ayatsuji was right#I think it's the first chapter in the entirety of bsd that ever had me go “oh” and “wow” out loud#This is so cool. I mean not much to see yet but these were all such cool plot twists#For a moment I really feared Dostoyevsky had taken over Gogol? I'm a little glad that wasn't the case poor Gogol#I suppose Bram is now like‚ dead-dead? I'm sorry. Not overly sorry but still sorry. I liked him.#Today I took lunch with a friend and she's a big jj/k fan and was talking about how everyone dies and I was like#“lmao. No one in bsd ever dies. ever”#How to be proved wrong in the span of 2 hours pfftttttt#Anyways I'm SO SO SO SO SO ////////////SO//////////// GLAD THE ACTION IS BACK AT THE AIRPORT. Ss/kk for pride month 2024 I can FEEL it#I think... Maybe? The new mega three sided singularity will create a new ability-entity. It makes sense doesn't it?#Something so powerful to create a new being. Spawning from Fukuchi's body. The dude from the season 5 finale#You know. You saw the similarities with Fukuchi. Yeah It makes sense#Next chapter is going to introduce them then show everyone at loss and desperation–#and then in the last page Akutagawa's grand entrance as being alive#I'm not even joking btw. It sounds reasonable enough. Akutagawa kinda has a thing with last pages entrances#Gotta explain the new outfit though. Something something and magical girl tranformations#Anywayssssssss good chapter. Hope the next one is going to be even better <3 (sskk 🙏) (sskk 🙏) (sskk 🙏) (sskk 🙏) (sskk 🙏) (sskk 🙏)#random rambles
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just got home from Ruisrock's Super Sunday, what do you mean I gotta go grocery shopping now and cook dinner 😭
#can i get excused from cooking today i had SUCH a day yesterday#singing and dancing along to some songs i thought i'd never sing along to in a concert again (1D)#and singing and dancing along to songs i thought i'd NEVER get to sing along to in a concert (PMMP)#my inner teenager is healed 😭#(there was a time those songs were my only friends)#at least now that i'm home i can finally take olli's plectrum out of my purse and put it somewhere safe because yeah that happened too 💞#(didn’t really catch it but he pointed at us before he threw it and it landed on the ground and a security guy picked it up for me)#and käärijä had invited joost?! trafik world premier?! did that really happen guys or was it a fever dream 😵#and joker out was great too but ngl by then i was so exhausted emotionally from having bawled my eyes out during PMMP's set+#that i was sort of zoning out half the time thinking about olli's plectrum 😂😂😂😂😂#so HOW am i supposed to just go on with life huh 😭#i think first i'm gonna die a bit on the couch and then idk cry all the way to the grocery store i guess lol
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BTW I AM A FREE MAN EXAMS ARE DONE WOOOOOOO I AM FREEEEEE
#—rayrambles#At the end I have to give verbal exam with examiners I do not know and ye that didn't go well I don't think#Also my neck and head has been hurting since yesterday mid exam and I thought sleeping it off would help but no it didn't#I was supposed to also go to the book fair today.#Didn't happen I just could not I physically cannot and it was the last day today so ye next year ig#Burnt my gums somehow few days ago and it's healing and just very much in pain#Cannot brush or eat properly#Also bought some plants and had to throw away some dead ones cause they were annuals very sad about that.#And have been crying constantly for the past 2 weeks#I am just glad you guys do not know me IRL otherwise idk where I would be yapping about this or maybe I just can be very vulnerable here#Who Knows#I will be just getting rest u am re watching nana tour and the new kkpp show final ep came out I'll miss their little cafeteria#I want to catch up on sakadays#Prob will write and push out hs gojo by next week and#Contemplating on whether I want to release how to break up with your bf or clan leader gojo on valentine's#Prob htbwybf that'd be funny and I am giving them angst but also I'll make them end up together promiseeeee#I hope no one opens tags on this post lmaoooo
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It's just me, myself, and I
Stuck in my bedroom
Listening to My Goodbye*
(and crying)
(*the instrumental bonus song that feels like credits)
#its been over 2 years#when i stumbled upon an early post about it before any of the sagas were released#and now it's over#and im not okay#the song with Odysseus and Penelope had me crying#because FINALLY this is what it was all for!#but then My Goodbye happened and then I was crying because it is over#epic the musical#epic#epic the ithaca saga#i have to be up early to unwrap presents and do Christmas and it's almost 2am#but how am I supposed to sleep now???#and how am i supposed to function today with all these emotions over this#(luckily my sister listens to it too and we can talk about it)
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not me spending like three hours on a late assignment (it's only like 5 days late) only for the submission box to be closed 💀💀💀
#i shouldve checked first i guess. damn#whatever. tbh it was fun and i think i wouldve felt bad not doing it since i read a whole poetry collection for it#so if i didnt do it theres a kinda 'well fuck. whats the point' thing to not even starting#we are slowly digging through very important assignments that are um late but im proud of myself anyway bc#theyre mostly only like. one day late so it'll probably be okay#i am still screwed in a way but i am getting less so#side note but bc of thanksgiving break rascal hadnt seen me for about a week and he's been very cuddly today 🥺🥺🥺#im gonna miss you over break little man </3#now if only i could go back and attend those final classes i thought were largely superfluous but apparently Always contained#some kind of quiz or important thing i had to make up. 💀#i also need to do a poetry reqding tomorrow which means i have to edit smth to completion which is hard#i havent done that uh. at all this semester#and im supposed to have a draft for my reflection letter for my portfolio but i also skipped the class where we were gonna do smth with it#so like uhhh...? do i need to do that for tomorrow? i also have a final tmr like. priorities.#anyway i emailed it to the prof it's in their hands now
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ain't no fucking way i missed a lab today
#i just saw this Email from the Professor that left me positively catatonic#like what the hell.#i swore we weren't supposed to have a lab today#i thought we were done meeting until the day of the final exammmm#i'm pissed#sansgwilie
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.Magenta.
#in a nut shell...#my whole team betrayed me minus 2#i was told and swore up and down that my absences related to disability were not an issue#come to find out that wasn't the case#there was resentment and everyone did a damn good job putting on an act and masking#i cannot begin to describe the kind of betrayal i am feeling#i believe in being transparent especially if you're part of a team of people who help others with mental health issues#i expressed many times that if my conditon caused inconvenience or problems then approach me and we can navigate around it together#i worked with these people for over 10 months and no one said a damn thing#i had no indication or inkling there was anything amiss even when i inquired before.#even my supervisor who was supportive and freely gave me and approved of time off lied to my face#and as a i handed in my belongings today everyone was ordered not to engage with me because on monday i utilized the chill space#aka the rage room after hours when the kids were gone because after getting interrogated by HR trauma from former work places came up#and with long covid stuff im still figuring out i needed a spot to vent#im not the only employee btw that used that room for personal raging everyone at some point has used it to either be contemplative#scream or toss punch and throw things so long as the kids are not on grounds we can do that#yet when i finally hit that point and want to decompress safely suddenly i am the dangerous monster#these people are supposed to be trauma informed#well trauma informed my ass#on a positive blessing i never have to work with these assholes ever again and i pray we never meet in public#its going to take a long time and a lot of healing before i think i will be able to trust people fully again#savage magenta#magenta is my vent word
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#okay i did not have to edit this one. score#shiftry#anyway i really don't like this pokémon or anything about it. SORRY but it's true it's really ugly and its mouth and the nose#and it has the same things i don't like about it that i talked about with nuzleaf. i just don't get it but this time it wasn't in psmd#so i'm not attached to it just by virtue of that. and well. that contributes to me not really liking it i suppose#ahh well. better luck next time TPC you can make a good grass/dark-type eventually (it's meowscarada) (it took 6 generations)#hi it's me from two weeks later like the actual day this post is going to post. i came back to edit the tags so i could respond to some#comments. crazy‚ i know! but i saw the tags on this one were a bit short so let's beef 'em up. the nuzleaf post got some comments#about the whole prosthetic memory thing. where i set reminders on my phone to do shit or else i will not do the shit#i literally have a reminder set for 2:30 PM today to eat food. or else i won't even do that i bet#and folks are saying it's a common ADHD experience and that i'm not a fail and i do appreciate it. i think i was joking a bit#i was probably just frustrated i had to edit the image after taking it but the gist is. i don't *think* i have ADHD? i do have autism#which i suspected for a loooooong while until i finally up and got diagnosed when i was fucking 21 years old. which is insane. so i wonder#if that's an experience that overlaps. i imagine it is bc they proooobably would've been able to tell me if i had ADHD‚ too#okay. i moved these tags over here from nosepass‚ actually‚ which is the pokémon i just queued up. so i'm gonna go remove them from there#see you in street fighter five everybody
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Okay the “fun” of a power outage has lost its luster..
#not dogs#not supposed to have power until 10pm tomorrow#and don’t tell me to get a generator#my house is old and we’ve never had the means to had the proper installation capable of running one yet#and there was a wood stove but my father in law didn’t use it ever so the chimney hasn’t been used in 20+ years#so again. expensive#‘your dogs must be warm’#snow doesn’t melt on them so they are cold to the touch lol#they are having the best time however the house is finally their preferred temperature#they are also being pains in the ass#finally got a decent walk in them today but it made me leery bc we were weaving to different#sides of the road to avoid downed lines#and Sigurd was just. not having being asked to do different than normal#power outages do make me feel very resilient tho bc we have them frequently and it’s like it’s fine#did wish we had cell service from a safety standpoint but…rural life
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why do i feel weirdly guilty for taking a day off of work to have necessary surgery 🤡
#they said i could go back to work but i did that last time and it was a pain so i took the day off#and i did a bunch of errands and Accomplished Things instead of napping which is what i wanted to do#then finally sat down to watch a movie and eat and im like....feeling guilty for not being at work#insane#to be fair the hour before i left yesterday was crazyyyy bc we had a kind of crisis#ibstayed a half hour late bc there wasnt enough coverage due to the crisis and i did my coworker's clean up for her bc she literally left#without finishing it#bc she was freaking out#crisis is one of the kids had lice lol#anyway she left without finishing her cleanup even tho the owner of the school and our boss's boss dropped by#to let us know the health department was coming thennext day (today)#and she Went Home even tho there was literally cottage cheese all over the floor wtf#anyway i was watching the kids while my supervisor bagged up all the stuffed toys and sheets and blankets etc to wash#then i did my other co teachers cleanup while my supervisor tried to do afternoon diapers but she was so late starting only 4 kids were lef#out of like 8 or 10 that probably should have been changed#so half of them went home without a final diaper change lmao#anyway#bugs 😬#i got a lice treatment shampoo and leave in conditioner but yuck#anyway i just felt really bad bc im out and they always need people but also im out on the day we're getting a ladt minute health inspectio#and i know that classroom is gross bc the cleaning crew thats supposed to come in every night has definitely not been doing that#this has been a shitpost#anyway my eye surgery hurts so bad wah 😭#its not even supposed to hurt that much but im like wicked sensitive to the light or something that it hurts a lot even w eye shields#and nobody is babying meeee#my mom made me clean the kitchen and the barn when we got home :(#my brother is making gf cookies for me tho but not bc of the surgery he just wants to try baking gf for me in general bc he's nice#also he's making 61 cookies by accident instead of 18 bc he doubled the recipe and then realized it was a recipe forngiant cookies lmao
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today in "trying to get bottom surgery is its own circle of hell": on may 28th, i get my surgeon on the phone regarding the issue of my surgery getting approved and inform him that i have an official document of approval that covers all transition surgeries for the rest of my life and therefore i dont need to pass through a specific meeting to have bottom surgery approved. surgeon tells me to send him the document and hell be able to bring it up in a staff meeting "at the end of the week" and schedule my surgery asap. as soon as i get a copy of the document the next day i email it to him. so, of course, its been two weeks since that "end of the week" staff meeting and i havent heard shit!
emailed the surgeon again asking for an update.. maybe at some point ill finally get a date for this surgery ive been going through the process of preparing and getting approved since 2021 :) which was already scheduled then delayed twice in 2023 :))
can i move to the reality right wingers believe in where you just walk into a hospital and say "give me a sex change now!!" and they immediately start prepping an or lol
#97#btw from experience 'getting a surgery date' doesnt even mean 'youll get this surgery for sure'#like not only has this surgery been cancelled twice#but for hysterectomy i was In The Hospital Room Prepped For Surgery#and i waited all day and eventually they were like#'the surgery before yours had complications so we dont have time to operate on you today. might have time tomorrow but we dont know.'#so the next day same thing. im fasting all day to prep for surgery waiting for news.#eventually the surgeon comes to see me and tells me they have no ors free and dont know when they will. sometime in the next week or later.#i ask what im supposed to do now and theyre like 'just stay in paris and well call you the day before when we have a spot'#and then i was just.. left to get a room to stay in in a city that isnt mine for a week while waiting for news.#so yeah i literally will not trust im getting operated on until theyre actively putting me under#one day when all of this is finally over ill write a post or something recounting Ever Single Hurdle that came w transitioning#cause i started to ask to transition at 16 and 11 years later im still caught up in the shitty ineffective process#and yet Some People want you to think its sooo easy to just transition on a whim without knowing what youre doing and it should be harder
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