#the extremely funny thing being that he ultimately turns out to be completely correct

[artbyblastweave]

God, I'm still not over that bit where Reed Richards garbles about zombies' pseudo-Darwinian superiority and then it's revealed he *surreptitiously infected the whole family*. After which he lets them munch him with a euphoric fucking smile. Peak Kirkman.

I'll grant the usual token acknowledgement that that may have been character assassination of Reed, but I've always thought of that beat as a reasonable-driven-mad-by-grief horror-genre beat. The Kirkman-penned parts of that continuity were really really good. He took a half-joke premise and approached it with an astounding unity of aesthetic and tone that didn't quite carry over into any subsequent cracks at the premise, even the ones that were good on their own merits. Dead Days is hands down my favorite one-shot comic of all time

[chaoticgoodthief]

More STP Thoughts

So I did this thing earlier but now I'm thinking... There's games that the voices would play... but then there's something else that I can't stop thinking about. What would be the most interesting game characters for the voices to be? Say that after the Construct shatters, they're all thrown into being their own Player Character of different games.

Contrarian is probably the easiest in my mind. Stanley from The Stanley Parable, same as he would probably enjoy playing. It's a game in which he is in a constant loop of disobeying the whims of an angry British Narrator with a capital N who has very strong opinions on what the correct path is. And would be fun to try pull him out of there, because I'd bet my life savings that the Narrator would guilt-trip him about it. And *eyes my TSP ships* it might get a bit... awkward.

Opportunist, a voice that I didn't have any clue what to do with before but now have the perfect idea. Lamb from Cult of the Lamb. Manipulative, obeying a higher deity but ultimately self-serving, made a deal in exchange for his own freedom only to (potentially) disobey when his own life is at stake. Originally was planning for Broken in this role because of the whole Priest to a cruel god, but Opportunist just works better. A really inflated ego from defeating and enslaving a god plus things turning out extremely beneficial to him will make he really hard to convince to leave.

Cold... well, there are multiple options here. I'm not going with Flowey because I think he just doesn't have it in him to be that chirpy, even as an act. Although that would be funny for the other voices to deal with... Instead, I'm going to go with Batter from OFF. It's not as big of a game as the others, but I really think it works. Think Genocide Route Frisk, but there's no other choice but to kill everything. Wipe the world of any life at all, do whatever it takes to complete his task, no matter who has to die to achieve it. Getting him to stop trying to "purify" the voices for long enough to listen to them would be one of the hardest parts, but at least he can't attack during dialogue.

Paranoid is another one that I didn't really have any ideas on until lately. But now I have the Doorman from That's Not My Neighbor. Sure, there's a bit of a more Skeptic role with the whole question them until they reveal the truth, but I think it still works. I mean the whole Nightmares and distrust of what's real and what's fake... it was a tough choice but ultimately Paranoid works a bit better in a horror setting than Skeptic. And getting him out of there. Oh, I don't even know how the other voices will drag him out of his safe little office.

Smitten... Oh, Smitten I'm so sorry. The unnamed protagonist of Doki Doki Literature Club! Has good intentions (just falling in love with a girl), believes he's in a romance story until too late. I wouldn't be surprised if this scars him for life. I'm not sure if he would even make it to the end before breaking down completely. He doesn't even have Cold to do all the emotional repression for him. Even if he is probably the easiest to convince into leaving, getting him to even be responsive again would probably be a struggle.

Hero would probably be the one having to convince to others to leave, to be honest. Sorry buddy. Someone has to do it and I'm afraid you are just the best fit for the role. At least LQ might be there to help you. Might.

I'm not really familiar with any games that work well for the other voices so please let me know your thoughts if you have any ideas! The more painful the better 😈

Edit 1 (suggestion from an anon ask):

Broken as the protagonist from Do Not Take This Cat Home. Gosh, this was so perfect. The game is literally a metaphor for abusive relationships, he's trapped in a endless loop repeatedly meeting his abuser and dying by their whims. He's lonely, desperate, and just wanting a companion and to make that companion happy with him. Please take him out. He's going need to be dragged kicking and screaming because he is very likely not going to be able to get the good ending by himself.

Edit 2 (Another anon suggestion 😈):

Cheated as the player in Buckshot Roulette. Wow. A lot of the voices work really well in other indie horror games and Cheated is no different. There is nothing but the game. A Russian roulette game with multiple twists and changes, but at the end of the day that same back and forth of each one trying to win. Back and forth and back and forth. Trying to use new tricks to win the same game. One of them has to die. But no matter who does, neither truly wins. Will he even want to leave until the game is "over"? Probably not. Please drag him out, he's going mad trying to win a loser's game. I love this.

Edit 3 (More anon suggestions yay!!!):

Hunted as the Slugcat from Rain World. Literally trapped in an endless circle of death and rebirth, escaping getting eaten, killed by the elements, or starving to death. I've said about every single suggestion, but I honestly think this fits extremely well. There are even little changes to the story you can make dependent on which path you chose! (Monk, Survivor, Hunter). Will also probably attack whoever tries pull him out because cat > bird and I think that's funny so that's also a win :D

Edit 4 (Suggestion from @gallus-mundus):

Skeptic as the player from Exit 8. Hahahaha wow almost none of the voices actually left the horror genre, did they? But YES. This works so well for him. Sure, the deductions are very limited, but it's not really like he did that many in the game to be honest. His chronic overthinker ass is not beating the game (read: chaining yourself to the wall, you absolute dumbass). There's a time limit, even if he does manage to figure out the trick to escaping I really don't think he is going to make it out alone. At least he should be reasonably easy to convince to leave compared to the rest...

Edit 5

Stubborn as V1 from Ultrakill. Finally, another voice that escape the horror genre! Not a perfect fit, but pretty neat in my humble opinion. Literally running on bloodshed, a sense of duty/purpose to fight, but often also characterised as someone that enjoys the fight itself. And... *Side-eyes at Gabriel/V1* yeah, that type of relationship looks... familiar. Good luck getting him out of there, he's discovered the wonderous world of modern weaponry. (Alternatively, if he's taken out at the end of the game... yeah probably not in that good of an emotional state either.)

WOOOO YEAH FINALLY DONE!!! THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HELP!!!

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

do you think that tianshans relationship is too violent??? or do you think that’s just their dynamic???

Hello, dear anon!

That is a tricky question for sure. I have talked about my take on violence-related topics a couple of times before:

Is Tianshan toxic part 1 and part 2

HT as a discipliner for MGS

Violence in Zhanhyi vs. violence in Tianshan

Was HT too pushy with MGS? (ch. 333 extra)

HT with JY vs. HT with MGS

My Tianshan “timeline” and its continuum

You would probably be the most interested in my comparison of Zhanyi and Tianshan when it comes to violence. But I would recommend taking an overall look.

“do you think that tianshans relationship is too violent or do you think that’s just their dynamic”

Whenever it comes to these kinds of questions, I like to keep two things in mind: context and subjectivity. I think context matters when it comes to whatever we’re doing. It doesn’t excuse the things that have been done but it explains them. And if I can understand the reasons/see behind the behavior, to me it changes how I feel about said thing.

Secondly, I’ve found that these kinds of questions are surprisingly subjective. As you said yourself, do I think their relationship is too violent? I don’t think anyone can deny that their relationship has violence in it, but am I bothered by it? We all have different tastes when it comes to fictional dynamics. Some people take issue with the violence in Tianshan, and that’s valid. To them, it’s too much and puts them off. To some other people, it doesn't make them uncomfortable. They are not bothered by it at all. Then there are all the rest (like myself) who are sprinkled somewhere in between the two opposites on the spectrum.

Now, I think that situation is perfectly fine, but issues come up when people start to moralize others who are placed somewhere else on that spectrum than themselves. Thinking Tianshan is (too) violent is perfectly acceptable, but saying things like “you are gross/toxic/messed up for shipping something like Tianshan” isn’t. In my books, at least. (I’m sorry, dear anon, I know you weren't saying anything like that! I just wanted to finish where I was going with all this.)

Anyway, I think those two principles apply to the violence in Tianshan as well.

When it comes to 19 Days, especially, I would say context is quite important. A lot of the humor in the comic is based on the boys physically hurting each other. This goes for Tianshan, too (ch. 150, 160, 170, 256. 281, 298, 339):

MGS slaps and punches HT. HT twists his balls and pushes him down. I get it if that’s not exactly funny to everyone, but it’s still how 19 Days’ comedy works. The characters aren’t left with injuries or trauma; usually the slaps are forgotten and bloody noses healed by the next panel. For the most part, I find the comedic moments funny.

In general, I think the type of comedy that 19 Days has is where the Chinese/Asian and Western fandoms clash culturally. I’m not that familiar with Chinese comedy tropes, but from what I’ve understood it’s not uncommon that teenage boys mess with each other physically like that in Chinese culture. Especially, that whole “twisting the balls” thing. (Please, someone correct me if I’m completely wrong about this! This is just what I’ve heard from non-Western people.)

Other than comedy, context is also important to keep in mind when it comes to other occasions of violence between HT and MGS. I think the best example of this was when HT confronted MGS about his past with SL and got physical with MGS (ch. 295):

I remember there was a lot of fandom discussion about this moment. A lot of people felt like HT had gone back to his old ways and he was forcing MGS again. Ultimately, it was seen as him being abusive and toxic.

And to be fair, I think they were right in saying that HT regressed to his old habits. I would say that was the whole point of that moment. SL lurking around and his veiled threats towards MGS had put HT on edge. He was restless and uneasy about the whole situation. It was made even worse by how he was basically left on the blind side of everything since he didn't know what SL was holding over MGS’s head. So, it wasn’t a surprise that his impatience and uneasiness came out as him using physical strength on MGS.

Again, people who (still) were turned off by HT’s behavior are valid and I can see where they are coming from. But there were reasons as to why HT was behaving in such ways. To some, the reasons don’t matter because they don't change the actions themselves. And they would be correct in saying so, but I think those reasons are still important to keep in mind when interpreting moments like these.

As I said, this topic is also about subjectivity and I put myself somewhere between the two ends of the spectrum. For the most part, I’m not bothered by the violence in Tianshan. I can see its comedic purposes or I’m interested in it for contextual reasons. But there have been occasions when I’ve been somewhat uncomfortable with the violence or that it’s come across needlessly rough to me. (Even if I have understood the context behind it.)

Sometimes I’m a bit taken aback by the roughness of the violence (ch. 138, 222, 234):

These panels always came across a bit extreme to me. I can see the build-up context behind them and understand where the blow-up stemmed from (MGS talking back to HT, and HT pushing MGS’s buttons after he had been worried for HT). But they still make me kinda go “okay... 🥴“. These moments were too much for me, personally, even if Tianshan is my OTP. 

There have also been a couple of occasions when HT’s pushiness makes me a bit uncomfortable (ch. 174, 333, 342 [the last translation is by @1154lizz 🖤]):

And again, I see the context behind these moments - HT taking a joke too far, “touch my balls” kind of comedy, and...I guess taking the overall “pushy vs. tsundere” to the extreme. The first two moments I have somewhat gotten more comfortable with later on. I think the first kiss served as a good reflection point for both characters. HT trying to make MGS massage his balls as revenge goes in the overall category of 19 Days humor for me. The last panels are probably the only ones that still make me cringe. I think it’s mostly about how the situation is portrayed because when HT was stripping MGS to go swimming in the earlier chapters it didn't make me uncomfortable at all.

So, when you ask is Tianshan “too violent” or is it “just their dynamic”, I think those two things can coexist. It’s not an either-or situation to me. I would say violence is a part of the Tianshan dynamics. (Violence is also a big part of 19 Days in general.) HT pushes while MGS pulls. And as two strong-willed characters, they also clash a lot. And I love those things about them. That dynamic is partly why I’m drawn to them.

But the violence can still be too much to me or other people. It’s possible that kind of dynamics isn't to someone’s taste in general, and the violence makes them uncomfortable. It’s also possible that occasionally the violence goes too far even if you shipped Tianshan. I don’t think you can say there is some universal level of “this much violence is fine” without making it sound like you’re moralizing. It’s different for everyone. I’m sure some people have been perfectly fine with the things that have made me uncomfortable, and I don't see a problem in that. As a Tianshan shipper, the “it’s so toxic/violent/abusive” discourse can get a bit tiring at times, but as long as we’re talking about the ship (and not the shippers), I think everyone is free to voice their interpretations.

Thank you for your question, dear anon!

[pagingevilspawn]

stick it

What even is this fic? Idk, but i was missing gymnastics, so this is what y’all get. Its super bad, super weird, and not a whole lotta jolex, but whatever. 

Also, nobody cares, but the way I'm giving the scores is (most likely) different than what is averaged for Washington. I’ve never competed in Washington so i don’t know how hard their scoring is, but I did compete in one of the hardest regions in the US for gymnasts, so scoring was always a LOT more harsh than it was in other states and areas of states. Even though nobody is gonna pay attention to that I just thought I'd say something lol. 

And fun fact- our girl is a (much) better gymnast than i ever was, so… tea 🍵🍵  

~*~

Jo watched her husband do their daughter’s hair from the doorway, some kind of a braided bun she didn’t know the name of. She smiled at the sight. It never failed to bring a smile to her face, even though it had become pretty common these past few years. She cradled the bottom of her six month baby bump in the palm of her left hand, her right holding her piping hot tea in a thermos. Once Alex was done putting in all of the excess pins, she watches as he puts a hand over their daughter’s eyes, pulling out the can of hairspray and spraying it into her hair. 

The almost nine year old girl lets out a giggle, commenting on how the hairspray smelt funny. Alex pulls out an Amped Up brush, combing back any flyaway hairs that might have escaped the spray. She snaps out of her trance when she hears her phone alarm go off, alerting the other two in the room of her presence. 

“Mommy!” her daughter exclaims, running over to her to give her a quick hug, much to the dismay of Alex. He was just thankful that he was already done with her hair. Even after three years of doing hair it still took a long ass time to do buns, especially when his daughter was the perfectionist she was. 

“Hey Dyl,” Jo reaches down, returning her daughter’s hug, giving her a tight squeeze before she watches Dylan retreat back to her dad, sitting in front of the mirror once again. 

Jo looks at Alex, who’s attention was focused on adding the shiny black scrunchie into the little girl’s hair. “I’m gonna get Aub up.” she whispers to him, watching him nod before she turns and makes her way down the hall, where their three year old daughter was sleeping. It was only five-thirty, so she knew what a hassle it would be. Aubryella was exactly like her parents in that way, a complete night owl. It was always a hassle to get the girl down at night, but even tougher to wake her up in the morning. She flicks on the small night on the girl’s bedside table, the lamp shade casting a soft pink glow around the all pink room. 

Much like her name, Aubryella was the definition of a girly-girl. She was all about pink, barbies, fashion, makeup… anything that would be described as girly, the three year old liked. Alex always gave props to Jo for that, since while she was pregnant with their youngest daughter she claimed that the tiny life growing inside of her was going to be an ‘all that and a bag of chips little diva’, so she thought it was only appropriate to give her a name to suit that title. (Good thing her mommy instincts were correct. She knew that if she gave Dylan that name and not Aubryella she would hate it more than life itself.) 

She shakes the girl lightly, hoping that it was enough to wake her up, which it ultimately wasn’t. She begins to run a hand through her hair, which ends up failing too. Jo lets out a sigh. 

“Aub. Aubrey. Elle. Ella. Ree. Aubryella. Get up sweetie.” she shakes the girl harder, finally stopping when the tiny blonde lets out a loud groan of protest. Yep, definitely a Karev.

“No mommy,” the girl says, her word muffled since her face was buried in her soft pink pillow case, using one hand to sleepily push her moms face away. It was too close to her ear, and she just wanted to sleep.

Jo chuckles, rolling her eyes at her daughter's antics. “It’s state’s day.” she whispers, knowing that that would get Aub’s attention.

As expected, the little girl gets up immediately, rubbing her tired as, not looking as asleep as she probably should, the talk of the upcoming meet more than enough to get her blood rushing. Though Aubryella wasn't a gymnast herself (she had started dance class a year ago and had found her calling then), watching gymnastics was something she loved to do, especially when it was her own sister competing. Not to mention, it was the topic of nearly every dinner for the past month and a half.  

The mom watches as the girl hassles out of the bed quickly, picking up her blanket and rushing to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Jo stays behind, making the bed. Normally, Aub would need to do it herself, but since they were on a time limit, she decided it would be best if she did it instead. When the girl gets back in the room Jo picks out her clothes, a dusty rose sweater and black jeans, both wasting no time in putting them on. She runs a comb through her daughter’s long dirty blonde hair, a trait she inherited from her Aunt Amber and Grandma. Aub actually looked more like the two than her own parents to most people, with her dirty blonde hair and blue-green eyes. But anyone who actually looked at the girl could see that she had Jo's nose and Alex’s chin. Not to mention, that crooked grin was all Alex Karev.

Jo picks up her daughter from her spot on the bed, grabbing a jacket that was hung on a hook before heading out of the door and down the hall, stopping when she went down the stairs and entered the living room. She sets the girl down by a chair in the kitchen, going to the cabinets and pulling out the doughnuts and cereal. “Which one?” she asks, holding up each dessert in a different hand. 

The girl grins mischievously, making the mom let out a small chuckle before pulling a powdered sugar doughnut out of the box. She didn’t know why she expected anything else. 

Aubryella accepts the doughnut gratefully, giving out an absent minded thank you before shoveling the treat in her mouth, getting the white sugar all over her face. Jo doesn’t need to wait long before she hears two sets of footsteps come down the stairs, Dylan dressed with her white and light blue leotard on, black warm ups on over it, Alex in a simple pair of jeans, back t-shirt, and the damn black jacket that he never got rid of, no matter how many protests he got from his wife. 

“Ready?” Jo asks, all three of them nodding in response. “Okay, you got your bag, shoes, extra hair ties, water bottle, lucky bear, extra bobby pins, thera band, notebook, phone, mascara, lip gloss, hair brush, wallet, tiger paws, ankle brace, knee brace, and wrist brace?” she questions again, going over the list she had memorized from years of training. 

Dylan rolls her eyes impatiently. She didn’t want to be late. She couldn’t be late. It was States for god’s sake! Everyone in the state of Washington (who qualified) would be there. The judges would be scoring harder, and some of the competition was going to be new. She was going to go up against girl’s she hadn’t before. Her goal was to win everything. Maybe it was extreme, but it was true. This season she had done well, really well actually. Her first season as a level seven had started off in the best way. She swept the first competition clean, getting first on vault, floor, and all around, second on bars, and third on beam. As the season went on she just got better, scores getting higher and snatching more golds with each meet. She knew she wasn’t going to be in the Olympics one day, but getting a college scholarship was looking more promising with every first place medal she had stacked around her neck. 

“Yeah, now let’s gooooo,” Dylan drags out, grabbing her dad’s hand and pulling him to the door, not even waiting for her mom and sister to follow. The four Karev’s shuffle into the car and drive an hour and fifteen minutes to the convention center where the meet was being held. They pile out of the car and check in, Alex taking a few minutes to add an extra layer of hairspray to Dylan’s hair while Jo puts a light coat of mascara on the girl’s eyelashes and dabs the lip rosy gloss on her lips. 

Before the eight year old can run off her coach, her parents kneel down in front of her, her eyes letting them know how scared she was behind her calm facade. “Hey,” Jo grabs a hold of her little girl’s shoulders, making her hazel eyes that were identical to her own stare deeply into hers. “You got this. Go out there and have fun, alright? You know your routines, you won’t mess up. Okay?” she reassures her. Jo pulls her daughter into a hug, “I love you baby.” she whispers into her ear, passing her off to Alex. 

Instead of staying on the ground, he picks her up and puts her on his side, much like you would do a small child. Dylan had always been on the smaller side, since neither one of her parents were very tall, but gymnastics had definitely stunted her growth a fair amount. For most people it would be a curse, but as all gymnasts know, it was a blessing. 

“We’re right here if you need us. Go kick some ass Dyl, and win that state title. You want that banner right?” he teases. Dylan did want a banner though. At her gym, whoever won a state, regionals, sectionals, or nationals title got a banner hung up from the ceiling. She had one from last year, when she won floor, vault, and the all around as a level six, and even more from the years before that in levels three, four, and five. 

But a banner as a level seven? Now that would be a dream come true. Why break the streak now? And not to mention, her group would be the last level seven group to go for the weekend, so if she got a high enough all around score, it could be factored in for the team’s total, which could mean another banner (this one provided by the competition) and trophy, if their total score was in the top three. And believe me, she was determined to win that banner, not for her, but for her team. 

Another thing she inherited from her parent’s, their competitiveness. 

Dylan gives her parents and sister one last hug and ‘I love you’ before ducking under the chain and meeting her coach and teammates on the floor.  

...             

“Camera, camera, camera.” Alex mumbles, fishing through Jo’s bag until he pulls out the phone. Dylan was about to go up on bars, and he was designated photographer, since his wife couldn’t film for the life of her. The one time she tried, she ended up shooting the ceiling instead of Dylan’s floor routine. Their daughter was not very happy about that. 

He presses the start button just as the girl salutes, flashing the judges a smile before she begins. She rolls her neck and then adjusts her grips, stepping onto the mounting block and taking a deep breath before swinging her arms and launching into a kip, drowning out all of the excess noise in the background. 

“Legs, legs, legs.” Jo mumbles to herself. It was Dylan’s biggest deduction, having her legs separated. 

Straight legs, pointed feet. Kip cast handstand, hit the 180 degree mark, hold it, clear hip, hit 180 again, hollow body, her feet don't hit the ground, cast up to a squat on, she catches sight of the high bar before jumping to it, keeping her legs together as she goes into another kip, casting up into handstand, holding it at 180 for a second without an arch before hollowing back and beginning her giants, hollow body, tap, feet up, over, and again, see the toes in front, release, layout flyaway. Stick. 

Dylan beams as she salutes the judge again, going over to her coach and giving her a large hug, finally hearing the cheering coming from her family. A series of whoops and whistles come from her mom and dad, while her little sister claps her hands and gives her a wide smile. 

She waits a minute and a half for her score to flash up on the screen, a 9.725. The cheering from her section gets louder, and her teammates engulf her in hugs. It was a hell of a way to start off the meet. 

…

Alex pulls out the camera again when Dylan salutes the beam judge, trying to mask her nervousness behind a smile. Alex and Jo both knew how she felt about the beam. She hated it with every fiber of her being, no matter how good she was at it. She glances over at her family, who all give her encouraging smiles. It was just enough to give her the confidence she needed. 

He watches as she places her hands on the beam, going from a support to a press handstand for her mount. She stands, doing a few different moves and poses before swinging her arms up by her ears. 

“C’mon Dyl.” he whispers to himself. His daughter didn't mind cheering on any other events, but beam was a different story. She was always worried whenever she was on the apparatus, so whenever a sudden noise came through, she struggled. It was something she was working on, but it was going to take time. 

She lifts up her left leg, beginning her connection, a back walkover to a back handspring step-out. The girl circles her arms behind her immediately to prevent any balance checks. Jo and Alex both let out audible sighs of relief, knowing that if there was one thing that could go wrong in the routine, it would be that. From the looks of it, Dylan seemed relieved too. Her movements were less tense, she completed her jumps with perfect form, a split jump to a sissone. Her leap hit 180, and her full turn was controlled. All that was left now was her dismount. All three Karev’s sat on the edge of their seats, the baby in Jo’s belly kicking non stop, letting her know that it was in on the action as well. 

Dylan kicks her leg into the air, toes pointed, knees locked. Cartwheel step-in, back tuck. Stick. She lets out a breath, turning to the judges and saluting, flashing them a smile, giving her coaches a hug before darting to her family, who had moved closer for the event.  

“You did so good.” Jo says, pulling her into a hug over the plastics chains that separated them, Alex doing the same after. 

“What score do you think I got Bree?” Dylan asks her little sister, who lets out an adorable giggle before holding out her hands. 

“Ten!” she says, making her family laugh. One could dream. 

The score flashed up on the screen then, 9.775. 

Well, this was going to be a damn good meet. 

…

The camera was locked on Dylan as she made her way to her spot on the floor, striking her beginning pose before her music blared through the speakers. She dances around the floor, gliding with an ease neither of her parents had ever experienced themselves. It was a wonder really, how both of their daughter’s were good dancers while they couldn't move for shit. 

Her first pass was her hardest, a roundoff back handspring back layout. The family holds their breath as the girl sets high, finishing the rotation with ease, dancing around more before her leap pass, a switch leap to a straddle jump. She dances more, making eye contact with the judges as she moves. Floor was where she had the most confidence, being able to express herself through her music and choreography, that’s why it was always her favorite. 

“C’mon Dyl!” 

“You got this Dylan,” 

“Yay Tissy!” 

The family cheered before her second pass, a front handspring front pike, which she had a small step on, but nothing that would make a large difference in her score. She did some floor work, showing off her flexibility in her back with a series of rolls, standing up and doing a full turn. She makes her way to the corner, Jo and Alex watching the scene intently, Alex having Aubryella perched on his knee. This last pass sealed the deal. She runs, hurdles into a front pike, and connects to a front tuck. Stick. 

A smile breaks out on the little girl’s face. She moves her limbs in unison to her ending pose, hitting it just as the beat dropped. A series of cheers come from everyone around her. Her family, teammates, coaches. She doesn’t need to wait long for her score to flash up on the screen. A 9.675. 

…

Dylan’s last event was vault, her personal best. She had already done her warmups, and now she was just waiting for the judge to hold up the green flag. She adjusts her tiger paws after she salutes, just as Alex starts the recording. She sprints down the runway, hurdling into a roundoff, and pushing back into a back handspring. Her vault was a yurchenko drill. She keeps her form, legs together, knees locked, toes pointed. She finishes, salutes, then goes again. The three in the stands cheer. It was the last event. Her all around score depended on these vaults. 

When she does her finishing salute a second time, she knows that it was even better than the last. She looks over to her family and gives them a smile, wanting nothing more than to run over to them, but she knows she can’t, they were too far away. 

Her score takes a while to come up on the screen, which could either be a bad or good thing. The Karev’s hold their breath in anticipation, Jo stroking her baby bump with one hand, while holding Alex’s with the other. Even Aubryella was on the edge of her seat, well, more like the edge of her dad’s lap. Her hair was no longer down, but in a braided bun similar to her sisters, since she insisted that she wanted to look just like her. Alex was thankful Jo had packed extra hair ties in not just Dylan’s bag, but also her purse.

A series of loud cheers come from this section as they see their daughter’s score. A 9.800, a personal best. 

…

“And now, your vault state champion in the eight to nine year old category with a score of 9.800 is… Dylan Karev!” The announcer cheers as the little brunette makes her way up to the first place podium, an abundance of applause coming from the crowd. A gold medal is placed around her neck by an assistant, who she thanks with a megawatt smile. 

“These are your 2029 vault state champions, gymnasts salute.” the announcer says, causing all the girls to raise their arms to the position, all the families in the crowd taking photos of their daughters. Jo, Alex, and Aubryella cheer the loudest, more than proud of Dylan. 

As awards went on, more categories were called. 

“Your bar's state champion in the eight to nine year old category with a score of 9.725 is... Dylan Karev!” 

“Your beam state champion in the eight to nine year old category with a score of 9.775 is… Dylan Karev!” 

“On the floor, in second place with a score of 9.675 is… Dylan Karev!” 

“And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Your 2029, eight to nine year old all around state champion, with a combined score of 38.975 is… Dylan Karev!” The audience erupted into applause, her parents, her teammates, coaches, and even her teammates parent’s cheering for her. She accepts her fifth medal with a wide smile, hopping down from the podium and back into the crowd. She had just won her ultimate goal, an all around title. 

After a few of the older groups were called, it was time for the team awards.  

“In first place, with a combined total of 115.575 is… Seattle Gymnastics Academy!” Another first place team award. The team accepts the banner and trophy and poses for photos alongside the second and third place team, proudly showing off their trophy by raising it above their heads.  

When she gets down and the awards finish, she runs to her parents, crashing into Alex with a gigantic hug. When she finally lets go, she hugs her mom and sister. 

“I’m so proud of you Dyl.” her mom says, touching her cheek affectionately. Gymnastics was her daughter's passion, something she lived and breathed for. Seeing that light in her eyes and that grin was something she would never get tired of. 

Aubryella hugs her big sister’s legs, “good job Tissy.” The name came from when the tiny blonde was younger and couldn’t say ‘Sissy’, and had stuck to it ever since. 

The family of four makes their way out of the convention center, the drive back to their house was peaceful, the limited hours of sleep they got the night before catching up to them. They all crash onto their respective beds, the girls in their rooms and Jo and Alex in their’s. 

Alex runs a hand through his wife’s hair, his other tracing circles on her baby bump, feeling the little life inside of her kick like a crazy person. 

They stay like that for a while, savoring the quiet. With two kids in the house, it was a major rarity these days. Jo hums, nuzzling into his embrace. “I love you.” she murmurs into his shirt, on the verge of sleep. He reaches down and places a small kiss on the top of her head. 

“I love you too.”

[rubyjcat]

[Behind-the-Scenes] HELIOS Rising Heroes: Animation Showcase

“HELIOS Rising Heroes: Animation Showcase” is an English voice fan project I worked on all by myself (barring voice actors) that took five months to make.

The original plan was to make just one video, but it ended up being eighteen of them!

Link to YouTube playlist:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0UbdFyWSx0n_ewcd-t0iAB0adGe5lghH

In this write-up, I’ll be discussing details about the response to the project, recording all the footage, video editing, voice acting + audio processing, script translations + rewriting, which fonts were used, and even the emulator used. I’ve organized it into sections to make it easier to find certain things. Also, this is directed to English-speaking readers since I’m not gonna bother translating the entire thing to Japanese.

THE DREAM

I wanted to make this fandub ever since the game was released (in Aug 2020). I just knew that English voices would be extremely fitting to the world of HELIOS with a setting inspired by America and characters, places, and terms mostly in English. I was disappointed to hear that the studio behind the game, Cacalia Studio of Happy Elements K.K., had no interest to localize their games outside of Asia, which meant the chances of an English dub, let alone a global release were close to zero.

I was able to understand how to play the game thanks to the fan translators, some of which came from other Cacalia Studio games, and got inspired to continue learning Japanese (there was a previous attempt to translate Japanese lyrics years back).

What I thought was just the silly dream of one overseas player’s became something much more!

THE TIMELINE (BRIEF OVERVIEW)

I played the game for about two months prior to working on the project. Before starting the project, I had to sort out graphical and technical issues on my end first as I was unable to play the game smoothly until November.

November 2020

Finding all the in-game battle lines

Writing transliterations (romaji) of lines by ear

Learning and translating lines to Japanese

Started recording footage

December 2020

Further translation revisions

Held a casting call

Script rewriting and finalizing

January 2021

Completed casting

Started video editing (learning process)

Started audio processing

Recorded more footage

February 2021

Recorded more footage

Japanese script revisions

Finished working with VAs

Finished audio processing

Continued video editing

Published Preview video

March 2021

Recorded the last of the footage

Japanese subtitle revisions

Finished Showcase video

Finished Individual battle clips

Gave recommendations to VAs

The exact start and end dates were Nov 1st, 2020 to March 31st, 2021. Pretty neat.

RESPONSE TO THE PROJECT

I was absolutely shocked with the response to the preview video, which at the time of writing has just hit 10K views and almost 600 likes on Twitter and YouTube combined. Not bad for an unpaid hobby fandub (a joke only I find funny...) of an otherwise “niche” Japanese-only mobile game.

As of Apr 4th, 2021 - Thank you so much. This is more than I could’ve asked for.

The preview video blew up way more than anticipated, setting up for a bit of disappointment when the Showcase video was released.

The amount of views I expected for this project within its prime were a couple hundred views, so I’m content that the Showcase video reached that amount (it had ~500 by the end of March).

The expectations for the battle clips were an average of 100 views and a handful of likes - and each one got roughly that amount (or more) - so I’m also content with that, especially for something that’s just “bonus material”.

I tried my best to promote this project on Twitter with three main tweets. My one regret with promoting the project was making the second tweet after publishing the Showcase because the Japanese I wrote there was pretty terrible (as I was all worn out from editing and was in a haste to tweet about it). I tried to make up for it in a follow-up reply the next day, but it was too late. I was satisfied with how my third and final tweet and thread of battle clips turned out, but it sadly didn’t garner much attention. A reason for this was probably due to bad timing. I knew that the timing of the last tweet was awful as HeliosR did something special for April Fools’ day, plus the Easter event was being hyped around the same time, but I really wanted to finish up the project within March (my timezone, at least. It was already April 1st in Japan).

It was important to also make the videos accessible to the Japanese audience as they were a large portion of the viewers. This proved to be a challenge as my knowledge of Japanese is limited - at least for me, it’s easier to translate grammar-correct Japanese than it is to write my own sentences.

I ultimately decided against posting any of the videos on NicoNico because I wasn’t sure about Japan’s laws regarding copyrighted material. I knew it was already risky enough posting on social media and didn’t want to take any additional risks.

ABOUT THE FOOTAGE (1) – HEROES & ATTACK ORDER

HeliosR uses a gacha system, so to be able to even make something like this, you’d first need access to all 16 ★4 OG Heroes in the game.

I had them spread across five different accounts, four of which were reroll accounts. Asakou from the Cacalia RPG server gave me two of those accounts, and I rerolled myself for Keith and Ren during their Birthday Orders (one free 10-pull per account). Every account is also given a free ★4 selector ticket which I made good use of.

3,000 rubies (in-game currency) were sacrificed to pity the ★4 OG Dino when he was released in December just for the sake of the fandub!

Besides covering all of the Heroes, I also needed to play through each account to unlock certain story chapters, event stages, and evolve the Heroes for their shiny evolved CG art. Some of the Expert event stages (that had the Nighttime backgrounds) proved difficult to clear with a new account.

When using skills, the order of the Heroes were edited such that everyone was able to have the majority of their lines used at least once. All Heroes had two “receiving support” lines, two or three “supporting” lines, and two or three “skills against the enemy” lines. Some of the extra lines didn’t make it into the Showcase, so they were used for the individual clips instead.

I should’ve used Gray instead of Marion for the account that had Billy because you can see Marion’s sprite in Billy’s image. xD

In the Showcase, you may notice that the "Union Attacks" consist of all the ★4 CG images. These were spliced together; I never had all four Heroes of the same sector on the same account. For example, I would have Gray, Asch, and Jay on one account and Billy on another account, recorded their ★4 Bursts separately using the same background (from unlocking the Expert stages on both accounts), and then edited all the footage together.

Jay’s Burst was later re-recorded with a different attacking order so that he wouldn’t link to Billy.

It was also important to keep the same order of Bursts as well as use all four Bursts in the same turn. The ★4 Burst order was usually determined by who didn’t link skill with one another (with the exception of East sector as I was still figuring things out) because I didn’t want the link skill activation getting in the way of the animations.

As a little bonus, I also showed off the exclusive damaging skills of the Chapter 6 and 7 ★4 frames that I was lucky enough to pull from the gacha: Marion’s "Invitation To The Dance“ (roses), Faith’s “Synthetic Vibes” (beats), and Dino’s “Crow Mark Dead End” (claw marks).

ABOUT THE FOOTAGE (2) - BACKGROUNDS

Since I didn’t want to use the same battle music and backgrounds for all of the videos, I decided to use some of the themes from the limited-time events which went as far back as Nov 2020.

Each background has three variants (Daytime, Afternoon, Nighttime) and so I carefully picked them based on the colours. I ended up using mostly Expert stages - or Nighttime backgrounds, since Daytime versions were only used for Normal difficulty stages (which are too easy to clear).

The backgrounds used for the Showcase, all from limited-time events.

I decided to mix up some of the Heroes from other sectors in the individual clips for fun, basing it off of their relationships with each other. Using South sector’s background for Gast’s clip was a purposeful choice because I already used the North sector’s background for the other three North sector Heroes. I made sure to include Akira and Will of the South sector in Gast’s clip so it didn’t feel too random!

The only default background I didn’t use was Chapter 2’s because I already made use of the Casino theme for OG West sector’s individual clips. (...Plus I didn’t really like that background :p)

Here’s a list of all the backgrounds I used:

Escape the Prison (Nov 2020) - used for Showcase [EAST]

Mission of CASINO (Nov 2020) - used for Junior, Faith, & Keith clips

HAPPY NEW YEAR SHOW! (Jan 2021) - used for Showcase [SOUTH]

Help! Cooking Hero! (Jan 2021) - used for Will and Oscar clips

A Sweet Spell Garnished With Chocolate (Feb 2021) - used for Showcase [WEST]

Grandiose Chinoiserie (Mar 2021) - used for Showcase [NORTH]

The Hero Is A Detective!? (Mar 2021) - used for Billy and Jay clips

Default backgrounds: Chapters 1, 3, 4 (shared with 7), 5 (shared with 6) - used for all other clips

The Christmas event was the only event that went unused during the Nov 2020 - Mar 2021 period.

I didn’t record the East sector event (Christmas) in Dec 2020 because I was actually too busy with the casting call! I also didn’t think I would make use of it after already recording the Prison event intended for East sector. The project ended up taking so long that it actually benefited from having a wider selection of events over the months, which also showcased the beauty of the game.

ABOUT THE WORK & VIDEO EDITING

Hardware:

A decent computer.

A pair of no-name earbuds I found while cleaning out some junk.

Software:

All FREE!

*There’s a catch

NoxPlayer* emulator (debloated, read more about in its own section) and Open Broadcast Studio were used to record game footage and sounds.

Davinci Resolve was the main tool I used to edit the videos. A very demanding program that I only recommend using if you have a mid to high end computer.

MediBang was used to edit some of the art like the logos, but I ended up using Resolve for the majority of the graphics, including the thumbnails.

Audacity and Cakewalk were used to edit audio.

Many aspects for this project took longer than I had hoped because there was a learning process with using Resolve for the first time. I’m also a bit of a perfectionist, re-exporting videos tons of times just to fix small mistakes. Lastly, the time it took to make all the fancy effects was longer than I’d estimated. As the project dragged on, there was pressure to not delay the release of the videos any longer than I had to. A lot of this was self-imposed though.

There were days where I just did something else other than work on the project, which helped re-fuel my motivation when I decided to pick it up again.

Pretty much everything in the videos were taken from the game itself. The only graphics that were taken from the official website instead were the Substance symbols (the pictures with HERO at the bottom).

Additional overlay graphics were custom-made. It took two whole days to make the 3-second long sector intros and another two days to create and animate the arrow graphics for the credits. These were made using Resolve’s fusion and colour features. Much of the edit was inspired by the official HeliosR designs.

Left: Official in-game graphics // Right: My fanmade video (sector intros)

Sector intros were inspired by the four Heroes version of Union Attacks in-game.

Left: Official HeliosR video // Right: My fanmade video

The Preview video took after the ★4 Burst mini-previews as part of HeliosR’s promotional campaign, uploaded before the game was released.

Left: Official HeliosR video // Right: My fanmade video

The credits at the end of the Showcase were inspired by a different video, this time being the Half-Anniversary video.

The Showcase - which had a duration of 29:07 - was 11.5GB large in size. It took almost three hours to render (which I re-rendered to fix things) and two DAYS to upload to YouTube because I experienced multiple uploading interruptions. It’s a good thing you can re-upload the same video to continue where you left off without having to restart the entire process.

The individual hero clips didn’t take as long to make (but they took a while anyway as I re-uploaded some of them to fix minor mistakes). The recommendations for the VAs that were given alongside the publishing of each clip also spanned over another five days as I wanted to personalize and think about each one carefully.

A pretty frustrating part of the project was the prevalent lag when recording footage, which may have been due to the emulator and/or some technical things on my end. The Prison event used for the Showcase was the very first one I recorded when I wasn’t as aware about the lag, and so it suffered a bit as a result. The Union Attacks were the worst offender. I re-recorded the same battle scenes several times each just in case, then went through the footage frame-by-frame in Resolve and chose the ones with the least amount of lag. If all of the recorded footage suffered lag at different parts, I would even compare and splice together parts of them that didn’t lag. There was also audio lag (a known issue of NoxPlayer) so I had to move all of the audio forward by 1/3 of a second.

By the end of the project I had over 200 videos of game footage with a total size of over 24GB and a total duration exceeding 9 hours, not even counting all the ones that went unused.

The Heroes weren’t the only ones who evolved. MS Paint not recommended for thumbnails.

Overall, (despite the few mistakes here and there that nobody other than me would notice) I was happy with how everything turned out, down to the gorgeous thumbnails! I am an artist, after all~ :^)

I also have much more respect for video editors. They should be called VIDEO ANIMATORS!

ABOUT THE VOICES & AUDIO PROCESSING

When making a dub, it doesn’t mean we want to replace or best the original language, we just want to give it a new interpretation. In fact, the characters’ voice descriptions and direction provided in the scripts were heavily inspired by the seiyuu (Japanese VAs) and how they performed their lines.

Honestly, this was THE dream cast!! Some of the VAs had comparably similar voices to the Japanese ones which was an amazing coincidence. The ones that may not have sounded as similar had unique interpretations that I felt still suited their characters well. I also chose actors based on their performance, and everyone delivered!

Voice actors were not expected to imitate the Japanese voices and lines. They were provided direction and reference videos to help time their lines, but were otherwise given liberty when it came to their own interpretations.

You shouldn’t hear any jarring differences between the voice actors’ microphones and setups. That’s because I took the time to process the audio. Faith’s audio was submitted to me post-processed so it was used as a guideline for what the audio quality should sound like. Some of the others had comparable quality to Faith’s, so I only added compression to balance their volumes. Most of them benefited from equalization of various levels - this took some experimenting back and forth with the frequency spectrum. Lastly, a couple more benefited from clip fixing, noise gate, de-essing and/or click removal. It was very important for VAs to have at least decent room treatment; while small differences between mic frequencies can always be altered, echoes are difficult if not impossible to remove completely.

I feel that audio engineering is highly underrated and more important than ever as voice actors continue to record from home studios.

And in case it wasn’t already clear, this was purely voluntary work. No VAs or myself were paid to contribute anything for the project. Though, the experience alone was worth more than any amount of money.

ABOUT THE SCRIPT & TRANSLATIONS

HELIOS Rising Heroes「エリオスR」English Translation - Battle Lines

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1ImWrAfvS_hgp6qr5qt30vCP63uHEk2o79uqY0h-3wL4/edit?usp=sharing

This spreadsheet consists of the literal translations for all the battle lines I could find in the game (it still isn’t done -yet-, plan to finish it when I get the chance). These are only fanmade and are not guaranteed to be accurate, especially as I wasn’t able to find another translator to help or proofread it.

After translating the lines, I made many additional revisions from the literal meanings such as changing the intention of the line slightly to flow better, having extra words added in to provide more context, or changing them completely. Thus, the lines used in the video are NOT literal TLs!

Another thing of note that may not seem apparent, but is what I feel an important aspect of character writing, is to remain completely unbiased towards all the characters. Personal favourites aside, I ensured that every Hero had their own spotlight as well as lines written in a way that remained faithful to their personality, no matter how unlikeable they were (looking at you, Asch Albright).

Even after giving voice actors their scripts, I made another revision in February after the release of the aforementioned Half-Anniversary video with the transcriptions for the ★4 Bursts, which is when I discovered a couple of mistakes with my transcriptions. This resulted in me having to edit out a part of one of the voice actors’ lines (Billy’s “String Show” line in his ★4 Burst) because of a translation mistake! I’m really glad I was able to double-check the correct lines before releasing the Preview video, or it would’ve looked pretty silly to Japanese viewers.

The last set of revisions were just minor edits to the subtitles (such as using kanji instead of kana) while I was working on subtitling all the videos.

Notable changes included:

WILL SPROUT

During attacking combo

Original line:

tanonda zo... ike! / “Counting on you... Reach!”

Rewritten line:

“I’ll become stronger... For everyone!”

The rewritten line is a condensed version of one of Will’s ★4 Evolved CG lines (“For everyone... I’ll become more and more stronger!”). He had “Reach!” in both his attacking combo and regular Burst, so I gave him an extra unique line.

★4 Burst

Original line:

warui kedo... kore de oshimai da! / “Sorry, but... it ends with this!”

Rewritten line:

“I’m sorry, but... it’s over for you! HAAAH!”

There were a couple of oversights I made with the script, and this was one of them that didn’t fit the animation properly. Props to Ryan for coming up with the extra shout at the end! So yeah, we kinda winged this line.

OSCAR BALE

When using skills against the enemy, during attacking combo, and in the ★4 Burst (repeat line)

Original line:

osoi! / “Slow!”

Rewritten lines:

“Too slow!” / “You’re slow!” / “Over here!”

Rewritten simply because I wanted to minimize repeated lines and change things up.

GAST ADLER

When supporting an ally, and during attacking combo

Original lines:

tetsudau ze / “I’ll help (you).”

itchouagari / “All done.”

Rewritten lines:

“I’ve got your six.”

“Target eliminated.”

I wanted to add in a few military terms to reflect Gast’s background.

FAITH BEAMS

★4 CG line (for the credits)

Original line (literal TL):

“It’s not terrible or evil, right? Surely this isn’t punishing... I guess?”

Rewritten line (with “mistake”):

“I’m not doing anything horrible or evil, alright? This is just business as usual... I suppose?”

Faith’s CG line had a mistake when I first translated and handed it off to his actor. I accidentally wrote “oshigoto” (work/business) instead of “oshioki” (punishment). The original has him pretty much saying the same thing twice anyway, so I would say the intention was still retained.

KEITH MAX

When supporting an ally

Original line:

gambare yo~ / “Do your best~.” or “Hang in there~.”

Rewritten line:

“Stay alive, would ya~?”

I know Keith’s meant to say “serious” things in a sarcastic or snarky way, but I just had to add in this fun line!

DINO ALBANI

Using skills against the enemy

Original lines:

haa! / “Haah!”

hei! / “Hey!”

Rewritten lines:

“I can do this!”

“Leave it to me!”

The Japanese lines for Dino’s offensive skills were rather basic, with the third and unchanged line “Here goes!” being a repeat line Dino also says when attacking. I wanted to give him some more lines - as standard as they are - to show his personality a bit more, along with having an additional fun West sector interaction. The changes fit the animations better too. (I actually had his VA say the "Haah!" line, but ended up using a different take of “Here goes!” in place of it.)

ABOUT THE FONTS

Fonts were taken from various sources and were either FREE for personal use or had an open font license. I didn’t have access to the commercial fonts (such as Futura) used in-game, so these were the following fonts I made use of:

Techna Sans looked similar enough to Futura when capitalized, and still looked decent in lowercase.

Jost* is a font that was derived from Futura. Some of its uppercase letters are sharper than Futura's, but it worked pretty well for the text in the credits.

Gau Font Over Drive was used for the ANIMATION SHOWCASE text.

Gen Jyuu Gothic LP was used for the majority of the Japanese text and its English letters were also used for the battle clip subtitles on Twitter.

Meiryo UI (default font) was used for the Preview videos’ subtitles.

Noto Serif JP (default Google font) was used for the serif Japanese text in the credits.

ABOUT NOXPLAYER ANDROID EMULATOR

ETA: AS OF VERSION 1.1.18 (04/23/21), EMULATORS NO LONGER WORK WITH HELIOSR (AS WELL AS OTHER CACALIA STUDIO GAMES). THE BELOW INFORMATION IS OUTDATED.

If, for whatever reason you’re interested in using NoxPlayer, you should take caution when installing it onto your machine. I don’t advocate for or recommend installing Nox. I had to resort to emulation so that I could record the footage and sounds directly from my computer using OBS. The reason why I used Nox specifically is because Cacalia Studio doesn’t like emulators, blocking most of them from running their games. I found further instructions on how to run the game in Nox from the Cacalia RPG Discord (via Twitter @HeliosR_en).

First, not all Nox versions are safe. It should only be installed from the official website, Bignox. More recent versions (I believe from 6.3.0.6 and up) may contain malware such as Segurazo and Chromium packaged with the installer which can be annoying to remove. The version of Nox I used was 6.3.0.0 (you can install older versions, then just don’t update it), which has Android 7 and doesn’t contain packaged malware (AFAIK).

Second, NoxPlayer may be “free” to use, but it comes with bloatware and profits off of its users’ data by collecting and sending it to many different servers. The below guide is what I used to debloat Nox and minimize communication to these servers. Scroll down the comments for additional domains to add to the hosts file.

Debloating & Optimizing Nox:

https://gist.github.com/Log1x/12d330ef7685d6fbc611d1d57efb5c29

This is another good guide that makes use of command prompt to remove additional bloatware from the emulator.

How to Remove Bloatware on Nox and LDPlayer Emulator:

https://codefaq.org/emulator/how-to-remove-bloatware-on-nox-and-ldplayer-emulator/

ENDING NOTES (TL;DR)

Images of the first and last video for the HeliosR project. We’ve come full circle!

One very tired and average person decided to translate, script, cast, direct, and edit an ambitious project all by herself using only FREE tools, and ended up taking too long to finish it. But at least she finished it, right?

Translators = RESPECT

Voice actors = RESPECT

Video editors = RESPECT

Audio engineers = R E S P E C T (their work is especially behind-the-scenes)

Hell, I even like Asch now.

During my time working on this, there was one question I always had in mind: “What would the fans want?”

I hope this follow-up has given you a bit of insight into the makings of the HeliosR project. Thank you for reading!

~RubyJCat

[introvertllux]

Copia’s World: Chapter 1

Story Description: Lena is gifted with extraordinary powers, that much is true but what happens when she discovers that her powers are more of a curse than a blessing. Will Lena be able to fight the dark path she seems fated for or will she be able to confront her ever-growing powers in order to forge her own path? Secrets and lies discovered as Lena navigate through family, love, and self-discovery.

Genre: Romance, Drama, Comedy, Drama

Warnings: 18+, depictions of bullying, Christianity discrimination, mental health, mental disorders, racism, suicide, discrimination. (Please do not read, if you may be triggered).

*Any depictions referred to in the warnings are based on MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. Please do not think I’m making fun or or mocking anyone, again these experiences are based on what I have seen and, or been through myself. Also, I am not intending to romanticize mental health or disorders in anyway. Lastly, If you do decided to read this story I am very thankful and I hope you enjoy it. : )

Notes to add:

I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS

THE ORIGINAL STORY IDEA IS MY OWN

THE CREATION OF THE CHARACTER PROFILES ARE MY OWN DOING (I DO NOT OWN THE PHOTOGRAPHS ARE ART WORKS OF EACH CHARACTER. HOWEVER, I DID EDIT THE PICTURES OF MY OC (BRI HALL) TO MATCH MY OC DESCRIPTION.

THIS STORY WILL TAKE SOME EVENTS FROM THE COMICS, ANIMATED SERIES, AND THE LIVE ACTION MOVIES.

IN THIS STORY ALEX IS YOUNGER THAN SCOTT AND THE AGES VARY BASED ON THE ACTOR THAT PLAYS THE CHARACTER AND FOR THE SAKE OF THE PLOT

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Person’s P.O.V.

Friday, July 27, 2019

Lena inhaled the crisp cool summer air as she gazed outside of the large crystal-clear window of the deep corridor. A breathtaking blend of coral and peach sunlight filled the sky as birds soared high and low while chirping a captivating melody. She exhaled, as she gently opened her yellow-amber eyes and watched the pattern the birds flew in. Lena, then gripped the frame of widow seal, careful not to crush it underneath her superhuman strength. Oh, how badly did she want to leap out of the wind and fly, to soar, and join the feathered-winged creatures.

(You look like you want to join them) she heard a voice say inside of her head.

(More than anything…) I responded back.

(I think that freedom is what you seek more than anything, Lena) the voice said.

Lena looked at the person next to her from the lower corner of her left eye.

(Grandpa, freedom is the one thing I desire the most out of this world. It’s funny you know… how easy it seems to be able to have. To get too. It’s literally right outside my door. But for me, it seems unreachable. It’s bittersweet to know that my only desire is so close yet so far. But as a mutant as… me, I know that I would rather give up my dreams to protect my family and those who can’t protect themselves.)

she said as she turned her full body towards the founder of the Xavier Institute.

(As usual, that’s very brave, kind, and noble of you Lena. But as I told you many times in the past you can be all those things and more without giving up on the things you want. Balance is key to anything you do in life, Lena. Once, you've mastered that you’ll be impossible to stop) Professor Xavier said.

Lena let out a sigh, (Grandpa you and I both know the circumstances that prevent me from being free. I-I just want to be like them) I communicated to him as I pointed my arm out of the window at the birds in front of me.  (How long do I have to be a caged bird? How long until I can use my powers to help instead of hurting. How long until my powers stop feeling like a curse. How long until nobody fears me and they except me! How long until I can be free!?)

She yelled telepathically causing the man next her to groan in pain as he gripped the sides of his head.

Lena’s P.O.V

“Uh! Grandpa, I’m so, so, sorry!” I yelled as I kneeled next to his wheelchair. I tried to gently console him, trying to be extra careful of my strength and the volume of my voice.

“It’s alright, Lena.” He said softly.

I looked at him with glistening eyes, “I’m sorry. I’m so stupid.” I said quieter.

“Far from it my dear, very far. You just have trouble controlling your powers is all. We’ve all been there. I have your mother, your father, and the rest of the students that live here. Your case is just a special one… and like the rest we will find a way for you to control them.” He said optimistically.

I stared at him for a split second as I read his facial expression. Although he always made sure to remain level-headed and positive at all times, I know that deep inside he’s afraid. He’s terrified. He more than anyone that we know, knows how much of a ticking time bomb I am. He knows that I’m capable of the world ending power, yet he masks it all in hopes that “we” find a solution in an unpredictable time.

“Now, Lena if my time is correct and I’m sure that it is you have about 5 minutes before Colossus will be looking to join the others in the Danger Room. You know how organized he is.” He said smiling softly.

I mentally rolled my eyes as he mentioned Colossus.

“Have fun, and make sure you pay specific attention until how each student is managing their powers. I think it might help you find your source of control.” He said.

“Will do, grandpa. Have a nice rest of your day.” I said as I ran down the long hallway and down to my room.

As I entered my room, I quickly opened my side table drawer and pulled out black gloves that covered every inch of my hands. I quickly pulled them on my hair, careful not to tear them. I looked down at the gloves as I started to feel anxiety.

Looking at these gloves was a constant reminder of how defective I was. Usually, when I felt my powers start to lose control in the slightest way, I would put these gloves on. Today… when I broke the telepathic link with my grandfather was a sign of lack of control, although not a big one it was still something.

One of my first abilities I was able to master at a young age was telepathy but seeing as of late I’m losing my grip over it I think the gloves will stabilize me. God forbid I go to training and I bump into someone and I absorb their abilities or hurt them in any other way.

With about two minutes left before training, I left my room (which wasn’t too far from the danger room only about 10 feet). I walked with a neutral expression on my face as I entered the control room. I took “my” seat next to a standing Colossus whose body shined in pride at his team below.

“Nice of you to join us today, Lena.” He said without looking at me. I nodded my head back at his as I looked down at the white dull sneakers on my feet that seemed to pique my interest at the moment.

“I didn’t see you for breakfast, AGAIN. How can you expect to be a good hero if you aren’t eating a well-balanced meal?” He said in a lecturing tone.

No, how can I expect to be a good one, if I’m not allowed to use my powers?

I heard the sound of his body turning towards me, I hastily moved my hands behind my back so he wouldn’t see that I had my gloves on.

He cleared his throat and said, “I want you to watch closely. Today the team will be working on teamwork protocols. As a member of this team, I need you to see and understand how each team member's abilities work as well as how they complement one another.” He said as he turned back, getting ready to speak into the intercoms.

This is why I hated “training”. First and foremost, I’m not really a part of the team. I’m what you call the “final choice”. I’m the SWAT team to the police force. The Hulk to the Avengers. I’m the big guns. If our chances of winning are extremely low, they are banking on me to bring the bacon home. From an outsider’s perspective, it sounds like an honor… but in reality, it’s quite the opposite. I’m the caged animal that they only let free on the special circumstance. They don’t want to see me, talk to me, or USE me until they need me.

As for their powers, I know them left to right. I know every single one of my teammate’s power sources, origins, and weaknesses. How could I not? I live my life watching them all have fun with their powers and showing them off while I stay dormant, in complete comatose. Get this… isn’t it hilarious, how my parents always told me that mutants were special, that I was special but one mistake… and now I’m too special to use my gifts?

Don’t get me wrong at all. I love every and any kind of mutant good or evil no matter what their gifts are, they are all special and unique to me. But that all goes out the window when: 1.) I don’t use my powers so I’m basically a regular person and 2.) When I have the ability to absorb, replicate, and keep any power I’m exposed to. Having that ability, that curse, makes everyone around you feel ordinary and that’s something I hate about myself. I never want anyone to feel less than. I rather it is me so that they never know how it really feels.

Okay, team, I’m commencing the portal now. Get ready.” I heard Colossus say. A few seconds later I saw the lights deem as the computer speak:

Commencing Protocol 24389: Team Civilian Rescue

I sat up in my chair slightly making sure to keep my hands in a place where I knew Colossus wouldn’t be able to see. Within a few seconds, I analyzed the protocol. It seemed as though each section and customized by each person’s powers. Each person had their weakness placed in each section but would require help from a member to move through. Their ultimate end goal was to rescue an elder-women and her cat (Ha, how cute Colossus).

I continued to watch for a few moments, already seeing that they were not working as a team. I glanced up at Colossus from the side of my eye and noticed his stone-cold expression. 

Which I knew was translated to mean anger, disappointment, and shame. It seems like the only person that was trying his best was Alex, better known as Havok. He tried to guide the team and even give some advice but he was stopped but Mr. Hothead himself Pyro, or John who’s ego was so big he wouldn’t take direction from anyone because he was the leader and what he said went even if he was wrong.

Then there was Jubilation Lee or Jubilee who was a poor long-term focuser so when it came to making plans and strategies, she wasn’t all the way there. And last but certainly not least the Lovesick King, Sam aka Cannonball, he was so in love with Jubilee all he heard, saw, and thought about was her. If it didn’t involve her, he wanted no parts and that’s exactly what was happening.

 A few more minutes went by and I heard the screams of agony ring throughout the control panel. I flinch and quickly stood up hoping that nobody was hurt. The lights slowly turned on as I realized that the scream I heard was from the elderly women hologram. I let out a small sigh… glad that everyone was okay (well almost everyone). 

Protocol 24389: Team Civilian Rescue. Failed. 

I heard the computer say as the light was on completely. I heard Colossus' large steps start to exit the control room. I knew better than to try to leave and retreat back to my room. I hated conflict and I knew this would be another confrontation and I knew deep down inside It would be my fault because that’s just my role on this team.

“This! This is teamwork!?” Colossus yelled as he waved his hands in front of the other students.“Well, If John helped out more- “Sam started to say before he was cut off by everyone auguring back and forth all at once. 

“Enough!” Colossus yelled once more. 

“This is not what good teams do! Arguing and fight one another. That’s for the villain, not the heroes.” He said

.He let out a sigh, “You, “He said as he pointed at John, “You are the leader. You are supposed to lead them with humility and a good plan. You did neither of those. If you do that on the real battlefield do you expect to lead your team to victory or their deaths.”

 He said sternly. “Jubilee, you need to focus on the battlefield you can get yourself and others hurt or worse. Samuel, you need to focus on your team and the civilians, keep your head on the battlefield, not on your heart.” He said as he exchanged looks between the both of them.

Colossus looked up and down at Alex swiftly, “Alex, great work for what little you had to work with. Keep it up. It’s clear that you all need more training so… I will see you bright and early at 6:00 AM tomorrow.” He said as he began to turn around and walk off.“But… tomorrow is Saturday!” I heard Jubilee yell. Colossus just waved as he exited the room. I turned, trying to leave the room unnoticed.

“Where do you think you’re going.” I heard John say. I stopped for a moment, deciding not to let him get to me today.

I heard him snort, “Got the gloves on, huh? Bad day?” He said with a chuckle.

I quickly grabbed my hands and folded them up to my chest tightly as I kept walking.

“You know it’s your fault we failed that protocol.” He said with venom in his voice. I stopped in my tracks, my back still facing him.

“You just sit up there in the control room acting all high and mighty while we do all the work. What’s the point of doing all the work, when you can do it? You have the ability to have any and every power known to man yet- because you’re so defective we have to do the work. It’s pretty pathetic, to be honest.” He let out a sarcastic sigh, “I guess… I’ll always have that over you, huh? being flawless, being more than enough.” He said in a taunting manner.

“John, back off.” I heard Alex say.

“Shh… your leader is talking. And as the leader, I say my “team member” needs some constructive criticism.” He said wickedly.

“You know… now that I think about it I kind of own you. Everything I say goes. I mean look your powers are banned. You don’t train with us, you can’t leave this house, and… a big part of that is thanks to me. One of my greatest accomplishments to date I think.” He said as he started to laugh widely.

I began to shake in my spot, tears threatening to spill. I didn’t want to look up at John. All I wanted to do was run and retreat back to my room, the place I knew I would always be the safest. But instead, I decided that I had to look up, into the eyes of the man that made my life living hell every day for years. Not one part of me wanted to think he was evil or malicious when he tormented me on a daily. I wanted to see the good in him, as a fellow mutant, as a teammate, as a person. But all I could see what a selfish and wicked cold-hearted man.

I speed to my room devastated and broken. This was nothing new under the sun. Every day, John would take his shots at me tearing me down in front of our peers and they would just let it happen. John hated him with all his heart and soul and the rest didn’t understand me. They didn’t bother too. That just knows about the accident that leads to my powers awakening and from then on, they’ve avoided me like the plague. It just me to see that even in my own home that I will never kind anyone who truly gets me or a place where I belong.

I laid on my bed fast down as I cried myself to sleep. What felt like a minute later, was actually hours as I heard tapping on my window.  I walked to my window and opened it wide as something swiftly flew in. I looked at the figured and smiled.

“Cuzzo! It’s been a while!” I heard my cousin Peter yell.

I quickly jumped on him as we landed on the bed with my hand covering his mouth. “Shh,” I whispered.

Of course, I was very happy to see my cousin Peter. It’s been too long but like a true prisoner, I am not allowed to have any visitors and the same goes for Peter even though he’s family.

Peter’s eyes roamed down to my gloved hand and he mumbled something against. I moved my hands down and looked down at my lap, knowing how concerned he would be to see my gloves on. I didn’t want to ruin our reunion, but I felt as though I already did.

He grabbed both of my gloved hands and squeezed tightly, “Lena…” He expresses in a worried voice.

“Peter, I’m fine. I promise. Let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about you I haven’t seen you in so long, aren’t you taking Online Summer courses at MIT?” I asked genuinely interested.

Peter’s looked lingered for a few seconds before he gave in, “Yeah I am actually. They’re killer. Dad wanted me to try and stay on campus and do the whole college thing a try, but I wanted to be able to patrol at home and- “He said before I interrupted “And your crush” I said in a teasing voice.

“Lin.” He said in a whining voice as he pursed his lips and I continued to laugh a bit.

“Well, I think uncle Tony just wants you to give you a fair shot at the whole being a “normal” kid type of thing. But you’re too far gone, Spider-Man. We’ve lost you to the dark side.” I said as I continued to joke.

“Tell me about it, right now I’m on the dark side of college homework.” He said as he began to pull out his homework from his bag.

“I also brought some ice cream. They’re rock solid, so by the time I get done with this they should be defrosted.” He said.

We talked back and forth as Peter did his homework. I helped quite a bit with the equations he was having problems solving.

“Lena, I always knew you were smart… but you’re better at solving these problems than I am. Maybe you should be at MIT, instead.” He laughed.

“No, way Peter. You’re a genius. I just like a challenge that all. Plus, engineering isn’t my passion.” I said with a shrug.

“To be honest you’ve never really talked about your passions before.” He said sounding intrigued.

“Um, my first one would be getting out of here. I might get spontaneous and travel to every state.” I said laughing while being serious.

“You know… being here all my life and not being allowed to leave unless supervised never gave me the chance to really find myself. I went to school here and never had the chance to go to college. The one constant thing that I find myself doing that I like is helping. I also like kids too, even if I’m not around them often. But when I was around Franklin and Valeria I was in awe. I wanted nothing but to see them happy you know. I don’t know maybe… maybe I’ll become a teacher.” I said quietly.

“Well, I think you’re an amazing teacher. You’re creative, smart, kind, and you always put other's needs before your own.” Peter said as he smiled softly at me as he placed his hand on my shoulder.

I flinched back, as he stared at me with his arms in surrender at me. “ah… um, I’m sorry.” I said frantically. “I just… my powers and the gloves um...” I said starting to panic.

“No, no. I’m sorry Lin I should’ve known better.” He said. “Um, ice cream?” He said after a few moments of silence.

I nodded my head as he handed me, a mocha chip flavored ice cream. I smiled and thanked him. He always remembered by favorite. As we ate my ice cream, he talked to me about his dad and what the rest of the Avengers were up too.

“Wait so Thor is fat now?” I repeated. “Yeah, but he’s got more a dad bod thing going in verses the devastated drunk bod. He’s getting there. Aunt Nat and Uncle Clint are taking care of the psychical and dad are doing his version of emotional support and the rest of us are doing real actual support.” He said as eat another spoonful of ice cream.

I smiled, “I miss them. I wish I was there to see their faces.” I said feeling low again. “I know they all miss you, I missed you. I promise even though I have these dumb classes I’m coming to visit you more often even if Uncle Logan tries to kill me and hang me over the fireplace.” He said in a joking yet serious manner.

“When I told dad, I was going to sneak into your house, he said, “Why go all Bond on them, we can walk right up and make it a party.” He said laughing.

I shook my head, “I think at that point it’s more about our dad’s deep intense hatred for one another.” I said.

“They have a lot in common that’s why. They both think they know everything or can do anything better than another person.” Peter said.

“Ugh, tell me about it. Back to the party thing, it’s almost your birthday in two weeks what are you going to do. I know Uncle Tony will want to throw you a big bash.” I said.

“Yeah, now you tell me about it. I told dad something quite with the family but of course, it went in one ear and out the other. At this point, I don’t care what he wants to do. If you can’t come then, I don’t want anything.” He said.

“Aww. Peter, no don’t throw away your party for me. It’s not worth it.” I said. “What? Lena, are you hearing yourself? You’re my cousin. I’m not going to have a party that’s supposed to have family and friends there and you not be there. I don’t care if I have to invite every single member of this household in order for you to be able to come, I will do it.” He said.

I was a bit stun that he said he would invite everyone just for me. I know Peter wasn’t super close to the rest of the team members closer to our ages but Peter was the extroverted one out of the both of us so if it came down to it he would have no problem socializing with them, even if it were for a minute.

A few more minutes pass and Peter and I exchange goodbyes as he exited out of the window. About 10 minutes later another knock could be heard from the window.

What’s with my window tonight.

I raised the window and looked outside of it. “Hey, Angel.” I heard my Uncle Angel say to me with a wave. I waved back. He drew in closer to the window. “Hard day?” He asked as he nodded towards my gloves. I shrugged but didn’t say a word.

“How about some Angel Time.” He said as he referred to the nickname, I called our flying time together when I was a child. I knew the repercussions that would follow if we left the house without telling anyone, we both did, but I need this. For me flying was like a rocking a baby back to sleep, it was soothing to me, it was liberating.

I took a step back from my window and leaped out. Smiling widely as I levitated in the air. I began to fly up higher with my arms stretched wide. This is the feeling I’ve been missing for so long. I continued to smile as I fly all around my uncle. We flew together for a while until he landed on a cliff and patted his hand down on the grass near him. I flew down and landed gently.

“You know, when you’re up there flying around, you look just like your mother.” I smiled softly at his observation.

“Before you were born your mother and I used to fly all the time. It’s one of the only times I’ve really seen your mother look so happy, that or when you or your dad are around.” He said.

“Is that why you fly. Because it’s your freedom too.” I asked. He looked over and smiled at me. “You know before I discovered my wings I was from a very wealthy family. From the outside, everyone thought I was so happy and perfect because of it but I was so miserable. When I discovered my wings, I got on my knees and praised God because nothing could stop me from escaping the hell in which I lived. I had the power to leave and discover my own path and that’s what lead me to the school. Flying doesn’t solve all my problems, no. But it helps me to get on the right track.” He said with passion.

I hummed in satisfaction at his answer. It was so detailed and liberating. I related to it in many ways. Uncle Angel and I continued to laugh and talk about things from my childhood and things of his past, until sunrise. As the sun rose so did my anxiety and panic because I knew when I got home, I was in trouble. I knew I probably missed training so that was a dead give away that I wasn’t home like I was supposed to be.

We flew back home, with Uncle Angel telling me he would help explain the situation to my parents. However, that didn’t make me feel better considering the fact that there was no reasoning with parents as overprotective as my own.

We landed swiftly and opened the door to the mansion and made our way to the kitchen, figuring they would be there having their morning coffee and tea.

“Lena Oni Howlett! Where have you been? You just don’t leave the house without telling us or someone going with you!” I heard my mother yell.

“I know. “I mumbled quietly that only my father could probably hear with his advanced hearing.

“Wait Ororo, please don’t yell at her it was my fault,”  Angel said as he stood in front of me.

“She was having a bad day and-and I know flying helps to calm her down, so I took her.” He said trying to explain the situation.

“Do you have any idea what could’ve to happen with her flying up there. “I heard my father say with a growl.

“Nothing, I was with her-“ Angel tried to finish before he was interrupted “Then you’re dumber than I thought birdbrain. Her powers are unpredictable right now. We don’t know what triggers then and what doesn’t. You could’ve gotten yourselves both killed.” He said with anger in his voice.

I flinched when he called my powers unpredictable and when he said I was capable of killing both of us. It was true and I didn’t want it to happen. I never want to hurt anyone ever again but the way my own father was describing me it was like I was some kind of monster.

“Logan…” My mother warned.

“Can you believe this bullshit!” He yelled as he slammed his hand onto the marble countertop causing a crack to form.

“Watch your language!” My mother yelled at him.

“As soon as we do a better job at keeping track of our own, damn daughter. Oh, or do you not remember the stakes that are at hand!” He roared.

“Of course, I do! That’s why we’re taking the percussions we are now!” He yelled back. At this point, they were arguing with one another about me in front of me completely ignoring how I feel at this point. I felt awful knowing that my parents were arguing because of me. They rarely argued. Mostly playful banter. But I was the cause of this me. I hate conflict but I had to make it right.

“Stop!” I screamed at the top as my lungs as my eyes glow dark pink and my hair floated up in the air slightly. “Have you ever thought for a second how this all makes me feel? I’m the one with uncontrolled powers. I’m the one that ends up hurting people. I’m the common denominator! Keeping locked up like-like some monster won’t solve any of it.” I said looking at them with my eyes still glowing.

“This-” I said as pink aura started admitting from my body, “You say it’s special, but I have to hide it. You treat how society treats mutants. I don’t know whose side you guys are on or if you see me as some dangerous mutant…. or as your daughter.” I said in a shaky breath.

“I’m warning you both now. That if you don’t give me some space… or just an inch of freedom I will explode and nothing- and I mean nothing in this world will be able to contain it not even me.” I said sadly as I turned my back on them and left the kitchen quietly.

I went to my bedroom and looked into the mirror on the way to the far right and stared at it. My eyes were still glowing, and my pink aura was still surrounding my body. I sat down gently and started to close my eyes and take deep breaths until I felt my power level constrain back into my body. I take a few more moments before I hop into bed.

I take off my gloves and lay them on the side of my bed. I stare at my hands. The hands of murder. The hands of filled with extraordinary power. The hands of a murderer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Link to:

Masterpost

Chapter 2 

I wanted to thank everyone who has liked or reblogged anything that has to do with this story. I want to give a HUGE SHOUTOUT to the following people for showing me some support (I apologize if i’m missing any names)!!

@jaydeee86​ @cyberdoshee​ @princess-of-fuckup​ @nygoddess​ @kenbechillin @queenwinchester27​ @themilkcartoonkid @nunubug99​ @discowh0requeen​ @my-massivelyhopefulcollection​ @eroticababylv​ @cocoplovely​ @loveinsunlight​ @grandetan​ @deansblackbeauty​ @lumbs17 @rls905​ @girl-oddity​ @noble-kale​ @love-livinglifetothefullest @rudebot​ @black-is-beautiful18​ @kaylahemsworth​ @sanders2017​ @save-feza​ @alexthesupergay​ @missellaineous​ @princessshanae14​ @mismerccray​ @amethyst09​ @bunniotomia​

[angelsknife]

a different look into exile

what if exile is taylor talking to her fans, who she is afraid will leave her if she lived her truth, in this case, if she came out?

exile brings out a similar sound heard in a previous taylor swift collaboration the last time where there is a conversation being had between two people however one take on it that i haven’t seen yet (though correct me if i’m wrong) is that maybe exile is another song, similar to mirrorball, where she is talking to her fans (and her lover). i believe exile has more similar themes to the archer, another song where taylor brings up the idea of having something to tell us... but not being able to.

lets take this verse by verse

I can see you standing, honey With his arms around your body Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all And it took you five whole minutes To pack us up and leave me with it Holdin' all this love out here in the hall

I think this verse is definitely her lover (or ex lover) talking to her. There were clear signs that Taylor was going to come out during the Lover era, only to have to quickly pivot due to her masters issue (which is understandable). However, we all remember the build-up: Taylor was nervous the whole era, we all knew something was coming, the “friday calmness” selfie and then... nothing. Just like that the era ended. i feel this is her lover seeing taylor being forced to go back to the bearding and the lies. In a weekend, Taylor would have been free but instead she went back to “him” (her beard) and her coming out was cancelled. 

I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defending now? You were my town, now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before 

Once the coming out plan had been cancelled, Taylor’s lover is now in exile. It is why I believe this song is about Karlie(whereas other songs may be about previous gfs). We see the way a good amount of swifties treat Karlie: they drag her through the mud, comment hate on her posts, and are often just downright mean. Taylor cancelling her coming out plans is the final nail in the coffin for Karlie (for now). Whereas if Taylor had come out, her connection to Karlie would be out in the open. Even if people believe they broke up, the connection to Taylor as someone who she clearly loved, would hopefully lessen the hate Karlie receives. Right now, we are still unsure if Taylor will ever come out. Maybe the lover era confirmed to Taylor that coming out will never be an option for her until she decides to slow down her music career. in that sense, “Karlie” is saying that she’s seen how this ends. she knows that this is a position she may always be in. 

I can see you starin', honey Like he's just your understudy Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me Second, third, and hundredth chances Balancin' on breaking branches Those eyes add insult to injury

It’s here where I believe the shift happens. No longer is this a conversation between Taylor and Karlie (who she left behind) but now it is a conversation with Taylor and her fans. Swifties are fiercely loyal to Taylor and would get their “knuckles bloody” for Taylor. Taylor did this through creating a bond of trust between her and her fans. However, if she comes out, she ultimately lied to her fans... something that may break this bond of trust. 

I think if Taylor comes out swifties will accept her, and they will support her, but i think they will wonder why it took so long or why Taylor was so afraid of their reaction. We know a lot of swifties see Taylor like a friend that they know in real life (even though they don’t). When Taylor refers to “second third and hundredth chances” she’s talking about how many times she debated coming out. This is similar to the theme in the archer that we see in the line I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you. 

She has wrestled with the idea of coming out for a long time, however she just couldn’t bring herself to do it because her career is in the balance. Seeing her fans trust her and be so loyal to her, hurts her, because in the end she cannot be truthful about something that truly makes her, her. It’s the eyes of her young fans who look up to her and the older fans who trust her adding insult to injury.

I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending

Like I said before, if Taylor comes out, I think overall swifties will be accepting even if they were against the idea before. While some swifties will decide to leave, I think Taylor will receive an overall warm reaction to her coming out.

 However, this is a big decision and it is completely understandable that she is afraid. The film she is referring to, is similar to the “heroes” she refers to in the archer. She has seen what happens to people when they come out. 

She has seen the effects it has on their career and on their lives. She has seen others who can never come out (like she is afraid will happen to her) and must accept being alone forever. It’s why I think Ellen had a large role in the Lover era. Whatever your opinion of Ellen, many forget that she lost her career when she first came out as a lesbian. This is the “ending” Taylor doesn’t like. She doesn’t want to remain alone, but she doesn’t want to lose everything she worked for. 

I'm not your problem anymore So who am I offending now?

I think this might be referring to Big Machine and maybe her old fanbase?  We all know Big Machine most likely pushed her into hiding her sexuality in order to make it big. I’m sure she must have heard something along the lines that her coming out might “offend” people. Here she is talking to Big Machine telling them she is not their problem and therefore she can’t “offend” anyone anymore. Her old fanbase before she shifted to “pop” is often reported as feeling left behind by her. 

You were my crown, now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before So I'm leaving out the side door

Taylor is extremely grateful to her fans as she always lets us know. But she is also grateful to her old fans. They are what put her here, and they are her “crown” so to speak. But if she comes out, there is still the chance that her career will take a hit and there is still the chance that people feel betrayed by her. Additionally she will once again be joining her lover that she left behind in exile. However, she’s “seen this film before” and takes the easy way out (the side door) and puts her coming out plans on hold. 

So step right out, there is no amount Of crying I can do for you

I’ve skipped ahead here, since I don’t want to go over things too much more than once. But here is where the “conversation” happens. I think these lines are Taylor’s lover again because you do not hear Taylor’s voice at all in the background. She’s urging Taylor to come out. To step into the daylight and let it go. It’s not that she can’t sympathize with Taylor but she’s tired of being in the dark too. The time for crying has passed, it’s time to take action. 

All this time We always walked a very thin line

If you listen closely, you hear Taylor’s voice again here, which is why I believe that this is addressed to the fans again. Taylor is referring to how fickle fans of any artist can be in general. She learned the hard way during reputation, when she felt that so many of her supporters dropped her. She knows success is fleeting, and that her relationship with her fans (especially her less hardcore fans that listen to her from time to time) can be lost in an instant. 

You didn't even hear me out (Didn't even hear me out) You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

I think this is mostly self-explanatory, but I think this is referring to how there is a clear disconnect between some of her fans and Taylor. While there are people who believe Taylor isn’t straight (I’m here right now aren’t I?) the majority of her fans do not really think about these things (which is fine.) Maybe we as fans, aren’t really listening to her. But maybe we also feel that she isn’t listening to us. 

When she comes out, the first question everyone will ask is how “no one” knew. How was she able to hide this for so long considering she is known for “writing songs about her boyfriends”? Her fans are going to be surprised and she is saying that she gave so many signs we just chose not to see them.

All this time I never learned to read your mind (Never learned to read my mind)

I personally love this line because of the amount of layers it has. Taylor shares so much of herself in her music, that it is unsurprising that her fans feel a sense of kinship to her to the point that they feel they know her inner most thoughts. Taylor even released her diaries during the Lover era, furthering this idea that swifties know everything about her. However, despite the fact that Taylor revealed so much in her music, her fans never learned to read her mind or properly analyze her music. They never were able to crack the true meaning and muses behind her music. 

I couldn't turn things around (You never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs so many times)

Once again, he is emphasizing the point that she gave so many signs. She dropped so many hints, especially in the Lover era. The delicate speeches, rainbow dresses, You Need to Calm Down, Me! Out Now, the rainbow theme throughout Lover. Then there were the more “secretive” signs: the secret moments, dancing with her hands tied, the original gorgeous lyrics, and the fact that A Portrait of a Lady on Fire seems to be her inspiration for much of folklore. A movie about a woman being able to be free and honest about her love for another woman through.... her art, and her “muse” being “free” through her art as well. 

You never gave a warning sign (All this time) I never learned to read your mind (So many signs) I couldn't turn things around (I couldn't turn things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (You never gave a warning sign) You never gave a warning sign Ah, ah

I think it’s interesting here how she changes from “you never turned things around” to “I couldn’t turn things around.” Maybe she blames herself somewhat for the way this secret kind of balled up and became so big over time. Maybe she is answering the question of whether or not she can just stay closeted forever. She’s saying no. She can’t turn things around and she can’t make things different. This is who she is. 

[mnthpprt]

Chapter 30: All That Knowledge And No Experience

[As y’all can probably tell from the lack of original posts, I’ve been pretty blocked with this chapter. There’s other parts of the story that I have planned out and really want to get to already, so this just feels like writing filler even though I love focusing on Anaïs’ interactions with all the residents. Sorry if it’s not as interesting T_T but good, juicy shit is coming soon, I promise!]

“Anaïs, wait.” Before I can follow Napoleon off the carriage, Isaac grips my wrist to stop me. I turn to him, confused, and he silently reaches up to adjust the velvet choker around my neck. “That’s better,” he says, blushing slightly. “The bruise was showing.”

“Oh. Thank you,” I smile.

Napoleon offers his hand to help me step down onto the cobbled street. I quickly let go and light myself a cigarillo before taking hold of his arm again, letting him guide me down the road, Isaac close behind us.

“You still haven’t told me where we’re going,” I remind them, earning a chuckle from Napoleon.

“You’ll see.”

I become absorbed by a patient silence, quietly smoking as we walk. By the time we come to a stop in the middle of a square, I have already put out my cigarillo. A group of children are gathered by the fountain. I wonder what they’re playing.

To my surprise, Isaac approaches them. A little girl’s face lights up as she rushes to hug him, causing a shy smile to grow on his face, and the rest of the children quickly stop what they are doing and focus their attention on my companions.

“Bonjour, everyone!” Napoleon announces, only for the children to greet him in unison. “Let’s see, who’s missing... Has anyone seen Mathieu?”

“He fell off a tree and sprained his ankle!” a boy yells his reply from the back of the group. Most of them have sat down on the floor, facing towards us, expectantly.

“Oh, no! If you visit him, André, tell him I hope he gets better soon,” Napoleon sighs. He then claps once, indicating the start of what I now think is a lesson of some sort. “Alright, gamins, before we start, I would like to introduce you to our friend. Say hello to Anaïs, everyone!” The children oblige, yelling out a poorly coordinated chorus of ‘bonjours’ as Napoleon gently nudges me in front of him. I wave my hand at them with a chuckle. “She is a scientist, like Isaac.”

I open my mouth to correct him, but Isaac is already ahead of me.

“Physics and chemistry are two entirely different disciplines, you should know that by now,” he lightly scolds the soldier before turning to the ‘audience’. “So yes, she is a scientist, but we focus on separate fields. Any questions?”

“Me! Me!” The little girl that hugged Napoleon waves her hand in the air enthusiastically, and Isaac nods, signalling her to speak. “Hello mademoiselle Anaïs, my name is Marie and I would like to know what is ‘chimistry’,” she rambles quickly, causing me to laugh at her cuteness.

“Well, Marie...” I begin to answer, smiling. I make sure to talk louder so the rest of the group can hear. “Chemistry is like... a recipe for the world. Everything around us is made of tiny little particles that are too small for us to see. There are different types of them, and they combine to make... well, everything. Including ourselves,” I explain, gesturing vaguely at my surroundings. “I study how those different particles react with each other to make new things, and try to find combinations that work well together, that are stable. Does that make sense?” I ask. The students nod.

“What is ‘stable’?” an older boy, about 12 or so, chimes in. I look at Napoleon, and he smiles at me approvingly.

“That’s a very good question... What’s your name?”

“Pierre,” he answers.

“Alright, Pierre. Imagine I’m baking a cake. What would happen if I forgot to put eggs in the batter?” I start, gaining confidence. This is easy.

“It would... fall apart?”

“Correct! The ingredients don’t work well without the egg to keep it all together. The egg makes it stable, so it stays as it is instead of all the different parts of the cake trying to separate. Now, what if I got the eggs right, but I used sand instead of flour?” I continue, chuckling at the disgusted noises from the younger kids. “That would be... I don’t know what that would be, but certainly not a cake!” They laugh along with me. I am not exactly comfortable with teaching, but at least they think I’m funny. “Do you all see what I mean? If I changed one ingredient in the mix, the result would be a completely different thing. If I stirred them in the wrong order, or if I baked it all at the wrong temperature for the wrong amount of time, the result would no longer be a cake. Maybe something resembling a cake, but it would not have all the qualities of one.”

I observe the crowd of children for a few seconds, but no further questions seem to pop up, so I let Napoleon take over as I go sit on the edge of the fountain. It’s taller than the one in the mansion’s garden, and I struggle a little to climb on the stone surface while keeping my dress out of the water. I wobble briefly, convinced that I am about to fall, but ultimately manage to find my balance and get comfortable.

As Isaac and Napoleon begin to divide the students in two groups, he turns to me, questioningly. I think he wants me to join them.

“Oh, I don’t have anything prepared, Napo,” I say, flustered. “Can’t teach if I’m not ready. Besides, I want to watch you two,” I smile from my seat. “What you’re doing with these kids is great... I’m sure they’ll thank you for it in the future.”

Although neither of them really explained the situation, then did not have to. Judging by the children’s clothes, they were probably not privileged enough to afford an education. And then, there’s the fact that we’ve bee teaching class in the town square, as opposed to, you know, an actual school. It’s rewarding charity work, and I can see why they do it. I, however, have no idea how to teach, and I don’t want to ruin the lessons they had planned for the day.

Napoleon teaches history to his half of the group. He tells it like a tale, his charm and flair inevitably captivating the attention of the children. They will surely remember every word he says if he keeps making it that interesting. Meanwhile, Isaac slowly makes his way through each individual student, correcting their equations and taking his time to explain everything they have trouble with. He works patiently, aware of each child’s capacity, and gently guides them towards the correct answer without giving it away. It’s actually quite sweet.

I enjoy watching them until the bell of a nearby church tolls, and I count the chimes. Time to go. I approach Isaac to tell him, as he is the one closest to me, and he excuses himself to the children, pulling me aside. Napoleon sees and does the same before joining us.

“Thank you for today, it was lovely to see this side of you two,” I explain with a smile. “But I have to leave now. Don’t wanna be late for the play.”

“Be careful, nunuche,” Napoleon tells me, growing serious. I wave him off, rolling my eyes.

“Seriously, I’ll be fine!” I protest, annoyed, before turning to Isaac. “All good?” I tilt my head up so he can see my neck and point at the velvet ribbon tied around the bruises. He takes a look.

“All good,” he repeats. “Have fun at the theatre.”

“Thanks.”

I stand on my toes to kiss both their cheeks, like I usually do, and wave at the children as I walk away from the group. I make my way into a narrow street, following the map I brought with me. This time, le Comte gave me a purse along with the dress and choker, and it has proven to be very useful. No more storing items in my stockings, at least. 

A carriage passes by me and abruptly stops. Speak of the devil, it is le Comte’s voice I hear calling out to me from inside.

“Need a ride, ma chérie?” he offers, opening the door.

“Thanks, comte, but I prefer to walk. I haven’t really done much since, you know,” I explain, pointing at my neck, “so I appreciate the exercise.”

He retreats back to say something to the driver, but he speaks to quickly for me to catch it. He then proceeds to step out of the carriage fully before it drives off without him.

“Allow me to accompany you, Anaïs,” he smiles, offering his arm. “I, too, was invited to the opening.” 

“Great, we get to actually spend time together this time,” I reply, returning the smile, and hold on to his arm. He chuckles.

The conversation continues where we left off three days ago in his study. Le Comte is extremely charming, almost supernaturally so. I had forgotten that he is supernatural, but it no longer bothers me. I think it never really did.

We are about halfway to the theatre when he leans down and whispers in my ear without stopping.

“We’re being followed.” 

I turn around to shoot a discreet glance behind me, and sure enough, a man I saw near the square is walking a few paces behind us. I barely noticed him then, but now that I am paying attention, I recognize him from the coffee house. Shit.

We are crossing the same part of the city. That’s probably how he found me. Regardless, I know this neighbourhood already, and I can take advantage of that. I pull le Comte into an alleyway and press myself against the wall. For a moment I think we’ve lost the man, but my breath of relief gets stuck in my throat when I hear his footsteps approaching once again.

“Kiss me,” I command, pulling on le Comte’s lapel to force him closer.

“Pardon?”

“No time to explain, just do it.” He stares at me, confusion glimmering in the gold of his eyes. “Dude, just kiss me, quickly!” I whisper urgently. He hesitantly meets my lips with his and puts his arms on either side of me to lean on the wall as I push him against me, my hand on the back of his neck.

The kiss is chaste, a fact obscured by the deceivingly passionate position we are in. I keep my eyes open throughout, enough to see the man from the coffee house peek into the alleyway and then leave, uttering a curse at the prospect of having lost sight of me. It isn’t until his footsteps fade away completely that I turn my face away from le Comte, a sigh of relief managing to escape my lips this time.

“Sorry about that,” I breathe out. “I’m the one he was after.”

“Is he the man Sebastian told me about? Is he giving you any more trouble?” he asks, worried.

“You mean with the coffee? Yeah, that’s him.” I thought he would have forgotten me after a few weeks, but it turns out that man is as bitter as the drinks he scams people into paying.

“You do know I could have fought him, don’t you? He is no match for a pureblood vampire, after all,” le Comte says, looking in the direction of the main street. “Nobody threatens my guests. That scoundrel needs to be taught a lesson-”

“You will do no such thing,” I interrupt him, interlocking my fingers with his before he can get away. “Arthur already punched him in the face and it only made things worse. Besides, we have somewhere to be. Don’t want your shirt to get wringkled or something.”

“You are right,” he chuckles. “Ma chérie, always so thoughtful. Although if you see that man again, do not hesitate to let me know. I will handle it,” he assures me, regaining his serious expression. The look in his eyes is threatening, but not towards me. I have never seen him like that, even though he is certainly protective of me. That he has proven since the day we met.

“Okay,” I nod, making eye contact so he can see I understood. I begin walking out of the alleyway and gently pull him along, still grasping his hand. “Now let’s go, we’re going to be late.”

[ourmixedrealities]

Wanted, Dead Or Alive (Part One)

*I don’t own the pictures or music mentioned in this story*

~WARNING~ Violence (In the future, Not in this part) and Language

Age’s!! You are- 21, Taylor is- 26

~BzzZzzZZzzzZzz~

“Hmm? Hello..?” I answered as my voice cracked without opening my eyes. “Are You still asleep!? You are! Aren’t you!?” a voice I instantly recognized as being my agent cried out. “Huh? Wait what? No... No! No of course not! I’m up... I was just... Changing?” I answered completely panicked as my body shot up instantly remembering I had an audition this morning. “Good! Because I’m waiting for you downstairs, Now please get your ass moving, You don’t want to be late do you!?” I could hear her laugh right before she hung up. Amanda was far to used to me sleeping in when I should be wide awake. I rushed around the room looking for anything that seemed audition appropriate. After changing I booked it downstairs and out the door where I was greeted by my smiling friend Amanda who was holding a donut and an iced coffee for me, Not only was she an amazing agent but she was also far to excellent at reading me “Good Morning sleepyhead.” She mocked jokingly. I gave her a noticeably fake smile. “I know, I know... I’m sorry.” I muttered. “Don’t worry, We are actually early for once.” She admitted seemingly amused at herself.

Once inside the car I asked. “So, What movie is this audition for anyway?” I looked at Amanda as she scrolled through her phone, Within seconds she pulled up the email. “It says its a survival/thriller. I wasn’t able to get very much information on the movie... But! I do know that the director was very adamant on wanting you to play the lead girl.” She handed me the phone to read over everything. “Huh... Weird.” I mentioned as I handed it back. I wasn't a well known actress so it felt weird that this man wanted me as the lead, But who was I to complain about this huge opportunity.

I stared out the window as we pulled up to a beautiful mansion. “I thought we were going to an office?” I questioned unable to take my eyes off the massive building. “This is his office.” She corrected with a smirk. My eyes grew wider.

As I stepped out of the car a motorcycle pulled up next to us. I watched as a man with beautiful golden skin effortlessly hopped off the bike, He removed his helmet from his head reveling his thick black hair. Once again I was in awe as I recognized him as being Taylor Lautner, He smiled my way before walking off. I nudged Amanda as I whispered “What’s he doing here?!” She smiled. “He apparently wants the job as your on screen romance.” I became speechless as I watched him enter the building.

“Now listen closely, This is important... Today you’ll be meeting Mr. and Mrs. Foster. Or rather Edwin and Marie Foster. They’re both extremely important people that you have to impress. Mr. Foster wants you but seeing as Mrs. Foster wrote the book its ultimately up to her if you get the job or not.” Amanda informed. I nodded understanding the gravity of the situation.

Amanda led the way into the home, Surely this had to of been their home and office space, Once inside I realized how wrong I was. A secretary  sat in the center of the room. “Hello! You must be (Y/N)” She cheered. “Mr. Foster is so excited to meet with you. He’s currently seeing someone at the moment but...” she paused as a man began speaking “Come in, Don’t listen to her I’d like to see you now.” He called out causing the woman to loose her big grin, She attempted to smile as we walked away but I could tell it wasn't as sincere.

“Please, Have a seat.” He motioned to me as I wondered into the room, The only chair available being the one next to Taylor, After sitting down he began. “As I see it, You’re both here to try out for the lead roles correct?” Taylor and I nodded. “Yes Sir, That’s correct.” I added quickly. Marie without hesitation cooed “Well now Dear, Obviously Mr. Lautner has the job, I mean look at him, He will make a perfect Wyatt.” Marie stated as she adoringly stared him down. Taylor gave her a considerate but slightly uncomfortable smile. “I could say the same thing about Ms. (Y/L/N), She will make a beautiful Olivia.” He smiled sincerely. “I’m not so sure... I mean, Look at her, Does she really look like an Olivia?” She scoffed. “Dear... Is this really the conversation we should be having in front of our guests?” Edwin added. “No, I supposed you’re right. Taylor, You have the job. You may leave.” Her smile gleaming as she spoke to him. “Thank you so much, Both of you.” Taylor said as he shook their hands, He gave me a quick smile as if to say ‘Good Luck’ then left the room without hesitation. “Do you honestly believe you can handle the roll of playing Olivia?” Marie questioned sternly. “Yes I do... And if I don't preform to your liking I promise to not stop until I am able to satisfy your image.” I vowed. Edwin smiled seemly satisfied with my answer. “Why don’t you please give my wife and I a moment to speak alone.” Edwin stated calmly. I nodded as I stood up from my chair. “Thank you for this opportunity.” I spoke confidently until I left the room.

Amanda and I sat in the waiting room and for minutes I sat there fidgeting with my fingers until Mr. Foster finally walked out. “I’ll give you a call as soon as I can, It’s seems the Mrs. and I are having some problems seeing eye to eye.” I nodded and thanked him before quickly getting out of there, Once back outside I noticed how Taylors ride was still here. 

I turned quickly at the sound of gravel being walked on since it caught my attention. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you, I just, It didn’t feel right to leave without saying hi... You’re (Y/F/N)? Right?” He questioned with a smile. “Yeah, Yeah I am! It’s so great to meet you!” I replied back, Amanda gave us space and waited patiently in the car. “I thought I recognized you, I saw you in ‘The Quiet Vandals Club’ You were really good!” He amused. “Oh my God, Yeah! Thank you! That sincerely means so much to me especially coming from you!” I remarked in awh of him. “Would you want to get coffee or something sometime?” He asked carefully but confidently. “I would like that a lot.” I admitted as I could feel my heart beat out of my chest. “Great! I can’t wait.” He smiled. We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways both with smiles on our faces.

As soon as I sat down Amanda began “Soooo, How’d it go? What did you think?” She said with a smirk. “Honestly? None of that went as I was expecting...” I laughed thinking back on the meeting and getting a coffee date with Taylor. “Don’t worry, Mr. Foster will fight for you. He knows you're a great actress and would be the perfect Olivia.” Amanda ensured. I shrugged as I was feeling unsure about the whole situation. “I’m not worried about Mr. Foster... I’m actually worried about his wife... She didn’t seem to like me to much.” I admitted as I sank deeper into my seat. “Welcome to the real world, Not everyone will love you, But you know who you are so their opinions truly don't matter.” Amanda smiled, I knew she was right but the idea still hurt.

I stared out the window until my phones vibration knocked me out of my trance. 

‘Hey! It’s Taylor, I’m stuck at a red light right now so I figured it was the perfect time to ask if you’d like to get that cup of coffee with me tomorrow? Again! No pressure, If you’re busy or just don’t want to no big deal. If you want to go then just send me your address and I can pick you up! Regardless it was great meeting you. Gotta go! The light’s green!’

I must of read the text at least fifteen times before I could stop giggling. “What’s so funny?” Amanda asked with a similar smile on her face, She was the type of friend whose happiness came from seeing her friends happy. “Nothing.” I replied with a huge smile on my face, Clearly unable to hide my excitement. “I just... I’m going on a date tomorrow!” I cheered. “Ahh!! That’s amazing! Congratulations!” She sang.

‘Tomorrow most definitely works for me, My address is (Y/A) I can’t wait to see you, And it was great meeting you too.’ I attempted to pretend like it was no big deal but in person you could tell I was losing my mind.

(The Next Day)

‘I’ll be at your house shortly’

‘See you then!’

*Knock Knock Knock*

“Have you ever been on a motorcycle before?” Taylor asked with a grin on his face. I shook my head nervously. “I promise to keep you safe if you’ll trust me enough to take a ride.” Taylor offered a helmet which I hesitantly took. Even with his helmet on I could tell Taylor was still smiling, His tone and body langue confirmed it. “Ready?” He asked as I held onto his shoulders. “Yeah... I think so.” I stated nervously. “Here, Wrap your arms around my waist, It’s safer this way.” He corrected with a chuckle. I squeezed him even tighter. We sped through the streets until we reached a little coffee shop I’ll admit my eyes were sealed shut the majority of the time, But I was all smiles as I climbed off his bike. “That was amazing!! What a rush!” I exclaimed as I removed the helmet, feeling the adrenalin rush throughout my body. Taylor laughed. “See! I told you it’s not that bad. Hopefully now you’ll be able to trust me a little more.” He smirked. I instantly grew shy “Yeah, Maybe I will.” I stated with a smile.

The entire date Taylor was the perfect gentleman, We talked for hours when it felt like mere minutes. I was enthralled with every word he spoke. From the way he smiled and laughed to the way he carried himself. My heart skipped a beat once he reached across the table to take my hand in his. Before we knew it the once sunny neighborhood turned dark and gloomy. “Damn... I should probably get you home so we don’t get stuck in the rain.” I could tell he was bummed which made me even happier. “Sounds good.” I said with a smile, I was endlessly excited to cling onto his back once again.

The down pour hit at the perfect moment, I wasn’t sure if Taylor felt the same way until he parked his bike under the bridge, Took off his helmet and began laughing. His laugh being the contagious one that it is I began laughing with him. “Do you...This is an odd request but...” I began softly. “Would you maybe want to dance with me in the rain?” I offered, I almost expected him to turn me down until he took my hand and brought me out into the storm. Taylor pulled out a pair of earphones placing one carefully in my ear and the other into his, The song ‘Lay your head on me’ By Major Lazer played. Our bodies becoming in sync as the rain danced around us. I laid my head onto his chest feeling his breath match mine. I couldn't help but smile to myself. How was this happening? This had to be a dream that I never wanted to wake up from. I glanced up at him as he looked down to me our lips colliding sending me into a whirlwind of emotions. Taylor picked me up by my thighs as I wrapped my legs around his waist, He quickly brought us back under the bridge where my back rest gently on the wall. My fingers ruffling up his dampened hair. Taylor removed his leather jacket that was quickly shrinking due to the rain. Sadly for me as soon as Taylor began kissing my neck the rain halted giving us our escape. “Seeing as I’m sure you don’t have any guy’s clothes at your place would you want to come to mine? I’ll take you home whenever you’d like, I just think we should probably get out of our wet clothes.” He smirked as he looked down at his now see through white shirt. “I mean, I’m not one to complain about a great view but seeing as I am also not ready for tonight to end, Yes. I’d like that a lot.” I smirked as I took out the earphone that was currently playing ‘Wonder’ By Shawn Mendes.

Taylor dodged puddles left and right all the way back to his place, The cold air caused chills to crawl up and down my body. Taylor and I pulled into the garage right before the next cloud burst. “That was lucky!” I announced as I hopped off the bike. “Yeah! Tell me about it, You may just be my lucky charm.” Taylor pulled a face as I began laughing. “That was cheesy huh?” He chuckled. “Just a little, But it’s fine, truth be told I like cheesy.” I admitted as I kissed his cheek. Taylor quickly wrapped his arms around me as he led me into his house. “Feel free to make yourself at home, I’ll go grab you a change of clothes.” He smirked as he wondered off into a room. I removed my shoes by the door then had a look around the room, It was absolutely stunning, He had photos of people I assumed to be his friends and family, Pets.

“Here you go.” A shirtless Taylor spoke as he handed me a towel a top and sweat pants. “Thanks.” I replied as I attempted to not stare at him and his body. I could see Taylor smirking in the corner of my eye. Perhaps I was a little obvious with how purposefully I attempted to be respectful. “You can change in there, If you’d like.” Taylor pointed to a room across from his bedroom. “Thanks.” I repeated feeling flustered. 

I rushed inside of the room and locked the door behind me. Thankfully he sent me into his bathroom where I decided to take the time to make sure the rain didn't make me look to crazy. Once satisfied with my hair and appearance I changed then left the room with my wet clothes. Taylor instantly spotted me. “Oh! Here, Let me help you.” He rushed over to take my clothes. “I’ll put them in the drier so you don’t have to later.” He offered. I nodded appreciatively. 

While he handled the laundry I sat onto his couch causing me to catch a whiff of his cologne that was left on his clothes. Instantly I sank deeper into the couch. I couldn't help but smile, I sincerely liked him and I knew if feelings weren't mutual it would hurt like hell to move on. Things just seemed to be easier with him, My worries and fears vanished into thin air. I tucked my legs to my chest as I sat and waited for Taylor to return. 

Just before I could feel myself begin to fall asleep Taylor vaulted the couch to be right next to me. “Impressive.” I noted with a grin. “Why thank you.” He remarked back with a smirk. as he did a mini bow. 

Within no time we were cuddling on his couch under a blanket using each others body heat for our own benefit. Even through his shirt I could feel the heat radiating off of him. I used his chest as a pillow until I couldn't bare to keep my eyes open any longer, And Taylor allowed it. The last thing I felt was a soft kiss at the time of my head.

(To Be Continued)

[nclkafilms]

The absurdity of fanaticism

(Review of ‘Jojo Rabbit’. Seen in Biffen Art Cinema, Aalborg on the 23rd of January 2020)

“Let everything happen to you, Beauty and terror, Just keep going, No feeling is final.” (Rainer Maria Rilke)

Taika Waititi received his commercial breakthrough with ‘Thor: Ragnarok’, which followed indie hits such as ‘What We Do in the Shadows’ and ‘Hunt for the Wilderpeople’. He is one of those directors with a very clear style and vision, and he continues with a unique style in his latest film: nazi satire and self-proclaimed anti-hate-film, ‘Jojo Rabbit’. As if the notion of making a comedy/satire about Nazi Germany was not controversial enough, it certainly raised some eyebrows when he cast himself, half maori and half jew, to star as Adolf Hitler. And ever since it premiered, ‘Jojo Rabbit’ has divided audiences and critics alike into more or less three groups: those, who are deeply offended by its lack of political correctness and comedic take on one of history’s most tragic events, those, who think it is not dangerous enough or does not expose the horrors of the holocaust enough, and, finally, those who has been charmed, entertained, provoked and moved by a perfectly balanced mix of slapstick humour and gut punching drama. I, myself, sit firmly in the third group - ‘Jojo Rabbit’ is a wonderful piece of filmmaking.

We follow 10-year-old Johannes Betzler, better known as Jojo, as he prepares for a weekend camp with the Hitler Jugend. We watch him as he proudly dresses up in his uniform before heiling his imaginary friend, Waititi’s Hitler, as if he was a sportsman preparing for a game before he ultimately shoots through town heiling at everyone to the tunes of the german version of The Beatles’ “I wanna hold your hand”, while we alternately see Jojo and b/w clips of Hitler being celebrated as a superstar complete with cheering girls and everything. A bizarre and weirdly entertaining opening scene that perfectly sets the tone of the film’s dark humour; nothing is sacred here. The story that follows is Jojo’s coming-of-age-story. A process that typically lasts years, but in the midst of a world war nothing is “typical”. Waititi manages to beautifully balance the naivety and blind-eyed fanaticism of young Jojo with the horrors and brutal reality of war as things start to spiral out of control for our main character from the moment he discovers a jewish girl hidden in the walls of his home. Where is her horns? Is she going to eat him? Why is his mum helping her? and what does it mean to love someone? Jojo is forced to discover the many feelings of life and following him on his journey is as hilarious and endearing as it is thought-provoking and tragic.

This is more than anything thanks to just 12-year-old debutant, Roman Griffin Davis, who is nothing short of a revelation as Jojo. The range that he shows in his portrayal of Jojo is simply spectacular. He truly has funny bones with both physical comedy and a great timing, but it is when the story gradually shifts from Wes Anderson-ish, bizarre, slapstick nazi satire to a much heavier and emotional war story that Griffin Davis really pulls the rug from under you. In the process of the film you both laugh at and with Jojo, you are shocked by him, you feel his excitement and loss, and most importantly you really care for him. This is, of course, down to Waititi’s screenplay and directing, but it would never have worked without Griffin Davis’ wonderful performance that really bodes well for his future.

In addition to him, the other actors also turn in some memorable performances. Scarlett Johansson is perfectly endearing as Jojo’s mother, Rosie, who has to raise him on her own, while hiding a jewish girl in the attic and manoeuvring through the hardships of war with a heavy heart from losing her daughter. The chemistry between Johansson and Griffin Davis is stunning and feels so natural that their mother-son-bond becomes one of the most heartwarming aspects of the film. Johansson shines just as much as Rosie shines as the film’s clearest ray of humanism and empathy. As Elsa, the hidden jewish girl, Thomasin McKenzie is fierce and strong with the inevitable vulnerability of an oppressed person hiding to save her own life. As such she represents all the jews who suffered from Holocaust while staying brave to save their own and loved ones’ lives. Just as with Rosie and Jojo, the chemistry between Elsa and Jojo is electric and it is an absolute delight to see how their relationship develops and becomes deeper and deeper the more they both get to see each other for what they see rather than what they have learned. As such they become the clearest symbol of the film’s obvious anti-hate, anti-prejudice moral.

In the other spectrum, Sam Rockwell, Alfie Allen and Rebel Wilson are all hilarious as absurd caricatures of Nazi officers blinded by their fanaticism and extremism. This is, of course, one of the film’s very divisive decisions; because the actions that they perform whether it be teaching children to shoot and use grenades or burning books and teaching lies about jews are obviously despicable - especially in the light of what happened during holocaust. So to turn this into something funny (and boy, is it hilarious) is a brave decision, but also a clever one. The things they do are so absurd that to simply show them as dreadful and horrible is sometimes too easy; showing the absurdity and making people laugh at it can be quite disarming and, frankly, relieving at times. Another example of this is Stephen Merchant’s unforgettable, yet short, cameo as Gestapo agent, Deertz, who is hilarious at first. You laugh at him only to find yourself on the edge of your seat seconds later as the tone shifts and the scene becomes immensely nerve-racking. Now Deertz’ absurd behaviour is intense and in no way funny. Waititi disarms you by exposing you to the hilarious absurdity of this character only to catch you off guard shortly after and hit you with reality. He does this in another simply devastating scene that stands as one of the single biggest gut punches that I have had in the cinema for a while; leaving me with my mouth wide open and a tear running from my eye.                 To round off the acting performances, Waititi’s own portrayal of Hitler never really becomes anything other than a funny sidenote that adds some interesting comments to the extremist thoughts roaming around Jojo’s head.  It’s funny and at times delightfully dark in its humour, but it - thankfully - never draws focus away from the other, much more interesting characters.

But let’s get back to this balance between the laughs and tears, because this is what lifts ‘Jojo Rabbit’ up as a stunning film experience. It works as a comedy/satire and it works as hard-hitting, thought-provoking drama. This is an insanely difficult balance to truly hit and only a few films manages it. ‘Jojo’ succeeds in being a hilarious comedy thanks, partly, to its well-written and delightfully politically incorrect screenplay by Waititi with so many great and memorable one-liners. But it is also because of its tight editing by Tom Eagles and brilliant score by Michael Giacchino, who supports the shifting nature of Jojo’s perspective through both joyful and more sorrowful compositions. As a drama it works - of course also thanks to the screenplay - because of a brilliant production design by Ra Vincent that often stands in great contrast to the absurd action unfolding in it. Finally, the costumes by Mayes C. Rubeo are simply delightful whether they are historically accurate or hilariously comedic as when Jojo roams the street as a robot gathering “metal for Hitler” or Rockwell and Allen take their final bow as some kind of absurd superhero devoid of all the human faults that they otherwise infuse their characters with.

And now let us return to the quote from the beginning of this review.

“Let everything happen to you, Beauty and terror, Just keep going, No feeling is final.”

This is not only a beautiful quote that gives us an important lesson on why not to give into hate and despair, it is also a quote that is mirrored in the film’s three main characters. Elsa remains hopeful and decent even when the entire world seems to hate her and want her dead. Rosie gives her son the love a mother should give despite him representing everything she fights against. And, finally, the film tells the story of how Jojo learns this lesson; to not be tempted by hate and the “easy exit” of jumping on the bandwagon, but to stay curious, to acknowledge love and to let it in. As such ‘Jojo Rabbit’ does not become “oh, that film that made fun of Hitler”. No, it becomes a film about the importance of experiencing and exploring the world around us. The importance of being curious and engaging with people despite our differences. Simply put: the importance of never forgetting love. It might not be in the absolute top of 2019 objectively, but personally, Jojo and Elsa danced their ways into my heart and my top 3 for 2019.

4,5/5

[tangledcassandra]

Cassandra is Saporian: An Analysis

I’ve seen this theory tossed around a bit, but I think we need to take a good and serious look at it from all angles.

First off, what would this add to the plot?

Well, we know Saporia was formerly an enemy of Corona, until the two united when their leaders fell in love. Shortly after, the Separatists of Saporia were formed, a splinter group dedicated to taking back Corona for Saporia.

So, making Cassandra Saporian would give her a good reason to take the Moonstone, using it as the means to take back Corona for her ancestors.

Has that always been her true goal? No, absolutely not, and that’s not the focus of this post. But I will come back around to her motives for taking the stone. Hang on.

The ONLY time Saporia is mentioned in the show is in “Under Wraps”, which, as you may recall, is a Cassandra heavy episode. While that could be a very loose hint at her being Saporian, I think we’re missing the larger piece of foreshadowing that is presented. Something that Andrew tosses out right before his defeat.

"Oh, Cassandra. Saporia will rise again, and we'll have you to thank for it."

And sure, that seems like an empty threat on Andrew’s part. But the writers of the show have known for a long time what was being planned for the end of season 2 and the upcoming season 3. When you consider that, it’d be easy to drop in a forgettable line for a (much) later reveal.

But, there’s more.

The Saporian crest on Andrew’s necklace is used as the catalyst for Xavier to reveal information about the Separatists of Saporia. Two reasons why this is significant.

Why go through all the trouble of elaborating on Saporia and its history for one episode? Why focus so heavily on the backstory of a character that only appears once? Sure, the lore at the beginning of the episode was relevant for explaining the Day of Hearts holiday. But the show took it even further, not only detailing who the Separatists of Saporia are, but ALSO revealing their crest. Why was ALL of that so important for a single episode?

Except...

We see the crest a second time, 27 episodes later.

The potion book Cassandra reads from in “Rapunzel: Day One”. Now, the RTA Crew could have chosen to put anything, or nothing, on the cover of that book. But they specifically chose the Separatists of Saporia emblem. Why?

Well, I guess we can assume this stuff belonged to the Separatists, or some traveling salesman/magician (whoever the cart formerly belonged to) came by it through unknown means.

And yet, it found its way into Cassandra’s hands.

Now, this detail is completely trivial, and easy to miss, just as Andrew’s line could easily be forgotten. But it does ever so subtly add another point connecting Cassandra to Saporia.

But what else do we know about Cassandra?

We know she’s adopted.

Cassandra and Eugene had a brief bonding moment about being orphans in “Cassandra v. Eugene”. Now, that could have just been a throwaway moment, a nice ‘something in common’ between the two of them. But Cassandra could have EASILY been Captain’s biological daughter. I mean, why not? Why did that happen to be the thing they had in common? And why did Cassandra shut down when Eugene asked if she ever wondered what her parents were like?

Maybe she already knows.

But, that’s completely irrelevant.

Cassandra was raised in Corona, she considers herself a citizen of Corona, and she’s been striving her entire life to succeed her father as Captain of the Guard of Corona. She’s loyal to the kingdom and especially to Rapunzel, regardless of whether or not she knows she’s Saporian. And it wouldn’t even matter to Rapunzel, Eugene, or anyone else. On the off chance she knows, she’s been shown to literally not care at all based on the fact that it’s never come up in conversation.

So again, whether or not she knows, it’s irrelevant to this theory.

More importantly, for us, the audience, we don’t know where Cassandra came from. We don’t know her parents or heritage. It’s a small loose end the show has not yet touched on. And maybe it wouldn’t even be important, if we hadn’t just learned about Eugene’s origin and parentage in “Destinies Collide”.

Now, Cassandra is the only one of the main three whose background is still shrouded in so much mystery. She’s guarded, she doesn’t talk about her feelings, and she knows Rapunzel and Eugene BOTH can’t keep secrets. Rapunzel is a “sharer”, and Eugene just has a big mouth in general.

So, getting back on track. We actually have 3 pretty solid pieces of foreshadowing evidence for Cassandra being born into the Separatists of Saporia. She’s an orphan, Andrew’s quote, the crest popping up again in her hands. All very subtle, and yet, all connected. Very interesting.

Okay, the Moonstone. I said we’d come back to that.

Cassandra is Saporian: An Analysis: Part 2

The door.

We all know this is going to be relevant to Season 3 in some way, but just like Cassandra’s past, what she saw in there has been withdrawn from the audience. For now. We can almost certainly say whatever she saw or experienced convinced her to take the Moonstone, or at least, planted a seed to get her thinking about it.

“I believe everybody's got a destiny.“

Now, this is funny, because we really haven’t heard Cassandra talk about destiny a whole lot during the series. She’s been pretty adamant that she is on this journey to help Rapunzel fulfill her destiny. But here, she says, “All in the name of fulfilling destiny,” and then goes on to elaborate with the quote above. This whole journey she’s put a lot of emphasis on this being Rapunzel’s destiny, but here, she kind of leaves that out. Kind of leaves it more open and vague and a little bit ominous.

Let’s roll back to right after the door closes on Cassandra and this imagery of Zhan Tiri is shown. Maybe it’s nothing, or maybe, more likely, it’s something!

Now, we’re really going to stretch into theory territory, but it’s all going to tie together. Let’s talk about what could have been behind that door!

What if Zhan Tiri convinced Cassandra that her destiny was to bring about the rise of Saporia once again? Think about it. Cassandra has consistently been overlooked in Corona. She wants nothing more than to be on the guard, and she’s willing to earn her place the same as anyone else. If you recall, Eugene managed to pass the guard test in a few days. Cassandra, on the other hand, has been training since she was 6 years old, and her father still won’t allow her to join. Captain is not overprotective by any stretch of the imagination; there is literally no good reason Cassandra shouldn’t be on the guard. (Other than the fact that she’s a woman.)

Not only that, but her friends have shown very little appreciation for all the times she’s saved their lives. She is so underappreciated, it wouldn’t be difficult to convince her to turn on them. (Except for Cassandra’s undying loyalty to Rapunzel.) Plus, with Cassandra feeling less like Rapunzel’s best friend and more like a servant to the princess, she’s not doing so great. Rapunzel said in the past (multiple times) that she trusted Cassandra, and yet, as of late, she hasn’t shown that to still be true. Cassandra is in a vulnerable state, ripe for Zhan Tiri to take hold.

The connection to Saporia? A very convenient way to tip the unsteady emotional iceberg of Cassandra’s heart.

Wait, wait, wait. Didn’t I already say any connection Cassandra had to Saporia wasn’t important to her?

Right, that’s absolutely correct. It’s not important to her, at all. But it IS important to the story. It IS important as a plot device.

Zhan Tiri is an extremely powerful force that has been constantly looming over the heads of our heroes throughout most of the series, popping up every now and again to remind us, oh yeah, there’s a big bad coming. The final boss will be in town shortly, even though our heroes have barely been able to hold their own against his minions. Are they ready to face the ultimate evil? Haha, no.

Okay, we’re in the home stretch of this theory.

Cassandra being Saporian gives Zhan Tiri an in. A wedge, to drive between Cassandra and her friends and convince her that taking the Moonstone is her destiny. To get revenge on everyone who has treated her badly. I mean, that’d be great, wouldn’t it?

Not for Cassandra.

Cassandra, who loves Rapunzel. Cassandra, who, MULTIPLE TIMES in not just the series, but in the final episode of season 2, saved Rapunzel’s life. She grabbed Rapunzel when the gondola was falling. She pushed Rapunzel out of the way of a flying ax. She helped defend Rapunzel from the ghosts. Even after everything that happened on their journey, making sure Rapunzel is safe has CONSISTENTLY been Cassandra’s TOP priority.

But you see, Cassandra wants Zhan Tiri to believe she’s on his side. She has all the right motives for taking the Moonstone, so she could easily convince him that her actions are genuine. She wants to destroy him once and for all. But, until he revealed that she could take the Moonstone and use its power, she didn’t have the means. Of course, Cassandra needs Zhan Tiri (and the audience!) to believe that she has betrayed her friends. She needs him to trust her. She needs him to let her get close to him.

So why not tell her friends her plan? Why not let Rapunzel know? First off, nothing would convince Rapunzel to let anyone else take that risk for her. No one else would be allowed to bear her burden. Remember the foreshadowing that touching the Moonstone might obliterate Rapunzel?

“Freebird“, Rapunzel: “These rocks are my destiny, and that's terrifying. What if they lead to somewhere I'm never supposed to come back from?“

“Destinies Collide“, Adira: “While I'm certain bringing the Sundrop to the Moonstone will neutralize its threat, I'm not sure what will happen to you.“

Comforting!

Secondly, I must repeat, Rapunzel and Eugene BOTH can’t keep secrets. Rapunzel is a “sharer”, and Eugene just has a big mouth in general. There’s NO WAY Cassandra could let them in on any kind of plan to take the Moonstone. No way she could let them know she planned to risk her own safety to defeat Zhan Tiri. No way she could convince them to trust her to do this.

Too long, didn’t read: Cassandra being Saporian gives Zhan Tiri an opportunity to divide our heroes by convincing Cassandra to grab the Moonstone so that she has the power to take back Corona in the name of Saporia.

Lastly, keep in mind that Cassandra never actually says what her destiny is.

“I'm fulfilling my destiny!“

Okay, great. And that is?... Is it betraying her friends? Preventing the Sundrop and Moonstone from uniting? Opening the portal for Zhan Tiri? Taking back Corona for Saporia? Grabbing the Moonstone so it doesn't destroy Rapunzel? We literally don't know.

And I think that’s great.

Cassandra’s actions at the end of season 2 left us with a beautiful cliffhanger, hungry for more. It left us with questions, concerns, and a slew of ideas about what could be coming next. It left us with a few final parting words that ultimately have us stunned and bewildered.

But let’s get one thing straight. Cassandra isn’t. Cassandra has not betrayed her friends. Not permanently, anyway. It may seem like that now, but if you’ve been keeping up with the series, you know how much she cares about Rapunzel. You’ve seen that look in her eyes. How soft she gets when Rapunzel smiles at her. You know that she’d give her life in place of Rapunzel’s. Whatever Cassandra is doing, whatever she’s planning, is for the greater good. She’s not evil. Never has been. Never will be.

So have a little faith. Not just in Cassandra. But in the hardworking creatives who put their hearts and souls into telling this story. Who have set up clues throughout the series to keep us guessing and make the show interesting. Cassandra is a main character, a main protagonist, even, who has had more screen time than Rapunzel’s own love interest. Our girl’s not evil. She just has yet-to-be-revealed plans.

[julietakesoncomm380-blog]

*February 13*

In this essay, I will examine the critical questions: What is a narrative that is important to me or U.S. culture? What truths does it promote? What truths does it limit or ignore? What are the societal/ethical advantages and the disadvantages of this narrative?

To investigate these questions, I analyzed season 5 episode 9 (“99”) and 10 (“Game Night”) of Brooklyn 99. By combining tone with word choice, as well as chronicling the events following Rosa’s coming out, the two episodes of Brooklyn 99 share a narrative that coming out with regard to sexuality can be scary. Overall, this narrative is productive for society because it shows the complication of the process and does not paint a potentially harmful and inaccurate picture by showing either all acceptance or all rejection.   

Brooklyn 99 is a comedy about a fictional New York City police precinct. It follows the work of the precinct, as well as the relationships between the detectives themselves as well as with their captain inside and outside of work. Jake is the funny one, Amy is the nerdy one, Charles is the pathetically adorable friend to all, Terry is the big teddy bear who can also lift a thousand pounds, Rosa is a private, tough, Latina, and Captain Holt is the all business, homosexual, African American captain. In “99”, the squad attempts to get Captain Holt back to New York from LA in time for a job with the commissioner. Charles gets a little nosy and Rosa ultimately comes out to him. In “Game Night”, Rosa Diaz comes outs to the rest of the squad and her family, which is the storyline I have chosen to follow.

Palczewski explains that narratives are everywhere, and often times, they do a lot of things. Narratives often teach cultural values or lessons that are widely accepted in that culture. This idea goes hand in hand with the concept of social truth. Social truth is “beliefs and values that do not refer to some objective reality, but to social reality – those beliefs about what is right that people have arrived at together,” (133). Narratives are also interesting and enjoyable to the audience, but while being that, they can educate their audience and allow for new perspectives to be seen. Narratives include events that then in turn cause other events, or at the very least are related to one another.

One of the narratives evident in these episodes of Brooklyn 99 is that coming out can be scary. When Rosa actually comes out, her word choice and tone tell us this narrative. When Rosa hesitantly comes out to Charles, she tells him quietly and almost ashamedly, “I didn’t say anything about being bi because I didn’t think it was anyone’s business and I also didn’t want anything to change,” and in that case, she had nothing to be scared of, as Charles was supportive. Her word choice tells us she was hiding this part of herself and not necessarily looking forward to any consequences that came with telling people. Another instance in which these episodes promotes the truth that coming out is frightening using word choice and tone is when Rosa comes out to her parents. She takes Jake out to dinner and invites her parents without telling him, hurriedly and panickily insisting to Jake that “This is happening and I need you to be here with me and maybe just step in and do it for me,” which is later followed up by a defeated “I thought I was ready to do this but I’m not.” Rosa’s word choice clearly shows that she is uncomfortable and anxious about coming out to her parents, and though a friend’s support would help, it ultimately does not end up making it any easier. Her tone reflects her uneasiness and eventual change of mind in regard to her coming out. Combined, her word choice and tone make it clear that she is not having an easy time doing this and she is concerned about the consequences.

In “Game Night”, the events following Rosa coming out to the squad are shown and these events continue the narrative that coming out can be terrifying. After coming out to her coworkers, Rosa fields numerous questions, including: How long have you known? What made you decide to tell us now? Are you seeing anyone now? And one so “not tasteful” it was not even asked. Questioning Rosa’s personal life is something the squad somehow feels entitled to despite Rosa never being a very open person before. Becoming more open and vulnerable to people whom were usually left in the dark can be terrifying. Rosa responds with short answers and still tries to keep as much private as possible. There is also the possibility that things would not have gone as smoothly as they did for Rosa. Captain Holt says, “I must say, this is going considerably better than when I came out to my colleagues.” This instance also shows the truth that coming out can be scary. Captain Holt’s coworkers were “not, as the kids say, awake” and it showed, because they seemingly did not accept him. The portrayal of both stories here is important and both still continue the narrative that coming out can be scary. Coming out, you kind of never know how people are going to react. There will likely be a barrage of questions that you really do not feel like answering, and then there is also the fact that people could act negatively, sometimes to the point of violence, and you do not know if that is going to happen.

While showing the squad’s reaction, “Game Night” also show Rosa’s family’s reaction to her coming out and follow the events that come afterwards, again continuing the narrative that coming out can be scary. At Rosa’s following family game night, her father tells her “no matter what you call yourself, you still like men. So, you can still get married and have a child.” When Rosa replies she can do that with either a man or a woman, he replies “Yes, but it will be a man because this is just a phase,” and later tells her “There’s no such thing as being bisexual.” This narrative that coming out can be scary continues because Rosa’s parents, the people who created her, are denying that a part of their child exists. And while a person’s sexuality is not all they are, it is still a part of them and for Rosa’s parents to tell her that she is wrong in that or deny that part of her exists proves how scary coming out can be. It is just one more part of your identity, but it is a part of your identity that can completely change how people feel about you. This event has shown things changing, and change is always frightening. Another event that perpetrates this truth is when Rosa’s father comes to talk with her after she has come out to her parents. While her father accepts her, “Mom needs a little more time,” and he feels it would be best to “put game night on hold for a little while.” Rosa revealing a part of her identity has changed her family drastically. Coming out also means facing those changes that you cannot control, yet still happen. This ties into the idea of social truths. For some, especially more recently, it has become a social truth that being a part of the LGBTQ+ community is normal and acceptable. For others, such as Rosa’s traditional and conservative parents, it is a social truth that being a part of that community is wrong. Social truths depend on your audience. Rosa knows this, and that is in part why she is a little less anxious to come out to her coworkers than she is coming out to her parents.

There are both advantages and disadvantages to this narrative that coming out is scary. It is beneficial to those who may not be out to see the reality of what could happen. After Rosa’s family cancels family game night, the squad stands in, creates a comforting community for Rosa, and has their own family game night. I think it is really important to show that some people could need some time and may not react as well as you would like, while others will act as if nothing has changed. Portraying an audience that all received the news well could be creating a false image for viewers of the show which could then lead to a harsh reality shock, so it is beneficial that there is some negative response to Rosa’s coming out. It is also helpful to those who are already out to possibly see their story portrayed in a television show to create a sense of validation. A possible disadvantage is that it does not show what happens if neither your friends nor family accept you, although many people who can control their coming out chose to do so when they feel safe. I do think overall, its largely beneficial to society because it does show both extremes of reality and shows that while some may not accept you, there are many who will. Besides all of this, it is showing that being LGBTQ+ is real and okay. For some reason, having an LGBTQ+ character on a show is still rare, so any normalization of being part of that community is a great thing for the community. There is a community of people that have both accepted and chosen to love Rosa the way she is. Rosa is not portrayed as a bad character or by using stereotypes. They have added another identity to her character, but she is the same Rosa as she was in season one.

Valentine further explains how narratives, particularly for the LGBTQ+ community, work in practice. For a community that has been so excluded and marginalized, a collection of public narratives is so important. Before LGBTQ+ people were telling their stories, there were people who did not know how to tell their stories because they did not have the correct language for it, they did not have the community. That has changed through the production of narratives in the LGBTQ+ community. There are new stories, and new ways of telling those stories. Most basic is the oral history, but it ranges from dramatic monologues to comics to portraits to music. But the presence of all these other types of storytelling is all thanks to the oral history. It created a community that developed in so many ways. Rosa is contributing her story to this community. She is making LGBTQ+ storytelling for other a little bit easier by telling her own story. Captain Holt tells Rosa, “Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So, thank you.” Telling her story not only makes the world a better place, but it allows for that to continue. Her story will help others express their stories, continuously making the world a better and more interesting place. It is thanks to people before Rosa coming out that she had the ability to tell and share her story, so it will be thanks to Rosa, as well as people before her, that people will continue to do so. These narratives, especially on television, allow for these stories to not only be given and listened to within the LGBTQ+ community, but with the world. The values and ideas these stories portray are becoming more and more wide-reaching and more and more accepted.

In summary, the two episodes of Brooklyn 99 following Rosa’s coming out share a narrative that coming out can be frightening. Word choice and tone make this obvious in her actual coming out, while the events following make it clear later on. They show both realities of the consequences to coming out while creating a strong sense of community and overall benefit the audience in this way.

“Game Night.” Brooklyn 99: Season 5, written by Justin Noble and Carly Hallam Tosh, directed by Tristram Shapeero, FOX, 2017.

Palczewski, Catherine Helen, et al. Rhetoric in Civic Life. Strata Publishing, 2012.

Valentine, James. “Narrative Acts: Telling Tales of Life and Love with the Wrong Gender.” Forum Qualitative Social Research, vol. 9, no. 2, 2008, http://www.qualitative-research.net/index.php/fqs/article/viewFile/412/896

“99.” Brooklyn 99: Season 5, written by Andy Bobrow, directed by Payman Benz, FOX, 2017.

[afterpinkdiamond]

We Need to Talk S2E9

This show hits hard when it tries. This episode is such a roller coaster of emotions it manages to feel like a much longer story. What we know about Pink Diamond’s life on Homeworld throws Rose and Greg’s conversation in a new light and we’re introduced to the original Rainbow Quartz. Also Garnet is like the ultimate shipper.

Connie and Steven are helping Greg sort his vinyl collection when Connie remarks that she only ever listens to Classical music and movie soundtracks at home. Greg immediately jumps to correct this error by playing The Philosophy Majors’ record “Nietzche’s Breakdown” for the kids. Everyone is dancing and Steven and Connie accidentally fuse into Stevonnie again! Greg is absolutely astonished. The kids quickly break apart and Connie freaks out a little, begging Greg to not tell her parents about the magic things she’s doing with Steven. Greg calms her down, claiming he’s probably the only human who understands. Steven senses a story and Greg starts telling them about attempting to fuse with Rose by showing them a vhs cassette music video.

The video is of Greg in his younger days with the Gems, playing “What Can I Do for You?”. Garnet is playing keytar and Amethyst is on drums, just like they were in “Steven and the Stevens”. Rose is center stage on vocals and Greg is playing guitar and harmony. Pearl is sulking off stage. Greg must be one of the most amazing music instructors the world has ever known, that or gems have a natural talent for music. It’s confirmed that this episode is only a few months after Rose and Greg met and he’s already taught Amethyst and Garnet two very different skill sets enough to be in a band. Later in “The Question” Ruby picks up guitar-playing in a matter of hours, and I’m not sure if that’s because she always liked the guitar part of the keytar or gems are just that talented at picking up instruments.

The video is clearly set up with Rose as the center of attention, with even Greg looking up to her the entire time from a lower level. She’s still incredibly elevated. He’s smiling and happy singing with her but his emotions change a few times as she sings her solo. She calls him “human man” and sings that she finds him “entertaining” and his smile drops into a frown. She sings about “playing along” because she likes how humans play and it’s difficult to say whether he’s turned on or dismayed by her nonchalance. As they sing the chorus together again his part is more subdued and he’s staring at her wide-eyed. Eventually, Greg takes his confusion and just falls back on what he knows- wicked guitar solo.

While Greg shreds on guitar we see Pearl looking very jealous of the attention he’s getting. She walks right into the video and whispers to Rose. They push Greg out of the center of focus and perform a fusion dance to bring out Rainbow Quartz. She dances around and shows off. It’s clear that Pearl is trying to make Greg uncomfortable while Rose is just trying to impress him with something he’s not seen before. This version of RQ makes me really uncomfortable. I know a lot of people like her but even this early in the series, Pearl’s jealousy is the main vibe I get from this moment. I will grant that Rainbow showing up briefly in “Now We’re Only Falling Apart” has a whole different meaning and feeling, it’s just hard to see Rose and Pearl’s actual relationship through Greg’s eyes. 

Rose leaves after explaining the fusion with the promise to come back later. Amethyst collects her payment of popcorn. Pearl taunts Greg, saying he’s just a phase because he’s not a gem and will never be able to fuse like a gem. Greg insists that he’s gonna try to fuse. *mic drop* Greg tries to mimic Pearl’s dancing, watching the video he made and gets frustrated very quickly. Garnet and Amethyst find him and Garnet explains the physical aspect of fusion. Greg gets completely discouraged. Garnet tries to inspire some confidence, saying she thinks he’s capable and he just needs to be open and honest so he and Rose can invent themselves together. She lowers her visor to give him a wink, revealing to him for the first time that she’s a fusion. Greg agrees and sets up for when Rose returns.

When Rose comes back, Greg has a dance floor set up on the beach. He starts a record and without saying a word begins to dance with her. They’re having fun so he flips on the lights, clearly trying to emulate what Garnet said about having light in the core of your being and a partner you trust with that light. They twirl around some more and Greg leads Rose to a pile of instrument cases that he climbs to get eye level with her before dipping her and kissing her. Talk about goals. After the kiss, he looks up and is disappointed while Rose is starry-eyed.

Rose laughs at Greg when he says he was trying to fuse with her. He tries to get her to understand but she keeps laughing, saying humans are all so funny. Greg finally snaps at being dismissed as just a human and yells at her to just talk with him for once like a real person. She stops, all mirth gone, and says she’s not a real person. She understands that Greg’s not been treating her like the alien that she is, that he’s been trying to see her as a person. It finally hits Greg that he’s been sleeping with an alien. Rose is confused as Greg laughs at his own denseness and cries with hopelessness. She actually seems alien in this moment, completely disconnected from Greg’s wildly swinging emotions. He makes the point that they’re very different with hardly anything in common, suggesting that they just talk.

From behind the broken-off hand of the temple, Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst are spying on the whole encounter. As Greg and Rose finally talk about some of the underlying emotions and unspoken history they haven’t shared with each other, Pearl is confused. The fusion dance didn’t work so why are they still talking? Garnet tells her to be quiet. Greg asks Rose if she’s ever been in love with a human as opposed to just loving a human. She asks how she would know and Greg says that love is torture. Knowing that Pink was often abused on Homeworld by the other Diamonds, this statement affects her strongly and it makes sense that this statement is what finally gets through to her. She knows what it’s like to be tortured and she is alarmed to think Greg is feeling that way. She pulls away from the hug, and for the first time calls Greg by his name rather than “Mr. Universe” or “human man”. He’s visibly affected by the change and answer honestly when she asks if their relationship has been torture. She apologizes but he tells her not to be sorry. They both laugh at how confused they are and start spinning around, laughing together. Pearl is even more upset that they’re still dancing, but Garnet claims that the fusion worked. Her shipper's heart knows she’s set up a real couple, after centuries of Rose having human flings that meant nothing. Pearl is dismayed but Amethyst likes her new potential step-dad. 

Greg ends his story and Steven and Connie are both blushing. Greg emphasizes that the most important thing was talking together and being open. He tells the kids that human-gem relationships are still a very new thing they get to explore together. Just when you think this episode is going to end on a happy and positive note, Greg tells Connie that she can always talk to him if she needs to talk with a human being who understands her position. They do a “human beings” high five with Steven watching, clutching his gem like he wishes he could rip it out and not have to deal with being half alien. His alienation at the end of the episode is such a quick shift and it foreshadows more of his internal conflict, learning to accept his identity as the bridge between species but also as a being unlike everyone else. It’s like a sucker punch at the end of an otherwise happy story.

I think the positioning of this episode is incredibly interesting, seeing that we’re about to start into the “Pearl basically commits rape” arc. We see Greg tell his side of the story of how he won over Rose. Past episodes like “House Guest” have hinted at the disharmony and distrust Pearl has for Greg. We get Rainbow Quartz, fused in a moment of jealousy and flaunting, a brand new fusion just an episode before we’re introduced to another show-off Pearl fusion. We also hear Garnet talk about what makes a fusion work. Garnet who’s about to be taken advantage of in the worst way. This episode is also just after “Keeping It Together” in which Garnet expresses her extreme revulsion to forced fusions. This arc of episodes is thematically heavy. Pearl messes up badly and the crewniverse seem to want to tie it back to the betrayal she felt when Rose fell in love with Greg. Pearl looks to others for her validation and “Cry for Help” is about to show how far she’ll fall looking for that strength and affirmation.

[blessuswithblogs]

Video Games are a God Damned Mess: Bad Business Practices, Unsustainability, and the Fidelity Plateau

(shoutouts to the anon rando in my inbox for telling me about the read more button you were kind of rude about it but i don’t use this website so i legit didn’t know)

The video game industry has always been a bit wild and wooly compared to its older contemporaries. The emergence of a new medium is always rife with upheaval as paradigms shift and people discover that the old rules don't necessarily apply all of the time. That said, the past three months have been filled with what I can really only describe as catastrophes for many disparate publishers and development studios.

 You may recall I talked a bit about this during my game of the year list and Fallout 76 analysis, but to recap: with Telltale shutting its doors and shafting its workers, the writing was on the wall for the same thing to happen again as the intrinsically unsustainable boom and bust cycle began the less glamorous stage. It turns out I was correct in my predictions but congratulating myself for seeing this coming is not unlike congratulating myself for accurately predicting that tomorrow will be Tuesday. Or. Whatever day it will be when I post this. fuck i dated the lp thread ruined LOOK the point is that this was really obviously going to happen and that nobody felt the need to prepare for it or try to stop it before 10% of Activision-Blizzard's workforce got canned is a major failure of the industry at large.

So let's talk a bit about what's happened since then. There's been a lot, so forgive me if I miss your favorite corporate implosion. First, at Blizzcon, Diablo Immortal was revealed to what actually might have been the most actively hostile reception of a game in history. This has less to do with the more financial aspects of the ongoing Videocon Crisis and more just kind of served as an ill omen and an example of Blizzard's worrying descent into... wherever it is they're going. If gross incompetence was a place, they would be descending into it. On paper, a Diablo mobile game is a money-printing proposition. When all is said and done Immortal will still probably make them gobs of cash. In practice, however, they fucked the landing so hard they probably lost potential sales. The kind of folks who go to Blizzcon and get omegahype for a new diablo game are not the kind of folks who play mobile games. Mobile games have a Stigma among the hardcore crowd, and also the Ethical Business Practices in Video Games crowd (which as of this writing appears to be me, Jim Sterling, and the Warframe devteam). For a lot of braindead gamerbros, mobile games are synonymous with things like Candy Crush and Peggle, which are perfectly fine games honestly but they're For Girls or some shit so mobile games are bad and for casuals. More pertinently, mobile games are also a ferocious jungle of microtransactions, pay2win mechanics, and generally shoddy design. Command and Conquer and Dungeon Keeper, beloved franchises that have been ripe for revisiting for years now, both found mobile games and they were both utterly terrible. These games make a great deal of their money by exploiting "whales", or in actual human being language, vulnerable people with disposable income and difficulties with impulse control or addictive personalities. Or kids who know their mom's creditcard number. Kids play video games. Now that we are no longer kids (theoretically, anyway) it can be easy to forget that. I'm not the pearl-clutching type, but I think that stigmatizing a genre of games that proudly touts an exploitative-of-children business model is probably okay.

So there are lots of reasons to be skeptical of Diablo Immortal right out of the gate, and quite frankly whoever thought that just pushing that out there with literally no other Diablo related news items (like any whispers of the long coveted hd remaster of diablo the second) was either transferred in from another company the day before or had some kind of unspeakable grudge against the scheduled presenters, to whom my heart goes out to. There is also some undeniable precedent that Blizzard-Activision will, in all likelihood, monetize the everloving daylights out of it. Both Hearthstone and Overwatch have more or less become nicely polished vehicles with which to deliver lootboxes to players for a nominal fee. If this hadn't been followed by a seemingly unceasing calvacade of disasters, the whole debacle would have been really funny to point and laugh at. It's still pretty funny to point and laugh at, but it also has some less amusing implications. Blizzard in particular has been up to a lot of no good lately. Let's talk a little bit about their recent one-two punch.

First up, we have the complete and sudden abandonment of competitive support for Heroes of the Storm. Heroes of the Storm was essentially Blizzard's seething regret and resentment for letting Valve snatch up the whole Defense of the Ancients thing put into code and unleashed upon an unwitting populace. It had actually been gaining some renewed interest over the past year or so due to the developers putting in some elbow grease and making the game both more accessible and just. More better. HotS has also had a modest but respectable eSports scene since the game's launch, with a variety of professional players, shoutcasters, tournament organizers and emergency bugfixers employed. Many of them were anxious about their jobs for months in advance with no word from the higher ups about who would still be employed by 2019. Sometimes, companies have to make difficult decisions and let people go to keep operating. Even my communist ass reluctantly accepts this as a reality of the system we live in. However, there is a protocol about this kind of thing. Giving notice. Giving, you know, severance pay. Stuff like that. And of course this presupposes that this sort of cut to the workforce is actually necessary in the first place. Given that AB subsequently reported record profits for the year of 2018, I have some doubts. Completely dropping support for a game out of the blue is a scummy thing to do to your playerbase. When it is also directly impacting the livelihood of hundreds of people in your employ, it goes beyond scummy and turns right into Unacceptable.

But "unacceptable" is Bobby Kotick's favorite word in the English language so while shoving hundred dollar bills from his latest corporate bonus up his butt he and his friends in the boardroom decided that the HotS esports people might get lonely, so they had better go and fire another 10% of the workforce too. Just because. Like literally just because. His company is doing fine - better than fine! They are at record levels of better than fine. But the shareholders demand more and more exponential growth, so to cut costs that really didn't need cutting, away goes 10%. Will game quality suffer because of this? Undoubtedly. More work being piled on fewer people who are also living in mortal fear of losing their jobs Just Because is not a recipe for success. People are mad about this, much like people were/are mad about Fallout 76 - players of games, industry wonks, and iconic voice actresses alike are no longer tolerating this kind of thing in Two Thousand and Nineteen, Common Era. Nor should they!

Elsewhere in the Game-o-sphere, similar developments are brewing. ArenaNet, the folks wot do Guildwars, went through another round of mass layoffs. EA's stocks have plummeted and Battlefield V "failed to meet expectations" because it only sold A Ton and not A Fuckin Shit Ton, and Anthem is not really lighting the world on fire. After Mass Effect Andromeda's... curious debut, Bioware has probably been feeling the heat and a lot of people are concerned that it too will suffer the ultimate fate of all studios acquired by Electronic Arts: joining Visceral Games in a broken heap at the bottom of the garbage chute. Bring back Dead Space you motherfuckers. Bethesda continues to, improbably, suffer through PR disaster after PR disaster with Fallout 76, a game that seemingly cannot stop fucking up. Ubisoft has received some positive attention for vowing to NOT lay off hundreds of employees for no discernible reason, which leads me to believe that our standards for praiseworthy behavior have dropped alarmingly low. Even 2K Games in all of its monolithic glory seems to be feeling a bit of a Stock Price Squeeze. Honestly by the time I get this done and posted it's entirely possible that somebody else will fuck something up. I'm still kind of waiting on the fallout from Randy Pitchford's porn thumbdrive, but I'm also a little bit pleased that Actual Money Crimes are getting more traction in the news cycle.

So, returning to the main point: the industry is in a bad situation of its own making. It's a scene that's almost always been defined by trend-chasing. For a while, that meant that we would just have to suffer through an endless glut of EXTREME SPORTS GAMES SPONSORED BY A DUDE or a barrage of samey console shooters desperately trying to be Halo every once in a while. Unfortunately, the trend-chasing now extends not only to the games themselves, but to the methods by which they are monetized. Ever since DLC became a mainstream thing, the brightest minds of the boardrooms have been working tirelessly to deduce which method of fleecing players will scientifically speaking get them the most money. Inevitably, when some enterprising little weasel develops a new and improved monetization scheme, the rest of the little weasels will immediately latch on to that scheme and that's how you end up with Battlefront 2's ridiculous lootbox grind and Shadow of War's ludicrous inclusion of randomized lootboxes in a singleplayer action-adventure game. While I'm certain that the platonic ideal of the lootbox has existed in some form or another for decades now, I think that we can squarely lay the blame for the Great Lootbox Plague of the Twenty-Tens at the feet of Valve.

Valve has been known for questionable business practices for a while now (albeit in a more lowkey way than We Fired 800 People So Bobby Kotick Could Buy a New Yacht), largely getting away with it because Steam has been more or less unchallenged as the premier digital distribution service for video games. This might be changing soon, as Epic Games is going straight for the jugular with a number of aggressive moves with its own fledgling platform, but historically, Valve has faced very few consequences for just kind of being petulantly antagonistic towards its userbase because said userbase is easily mollified by steam sales and Gaben memes. When people think lootboxes in 2019, they probably think of games like Overwatch or Battlefront 2 or basically any contemporary multiplayer game. I certainly do, but a bit of fact finding allowed me to remember that Valve has been doing this shit since Counterstrike and Team Fortress 2, and Dota 2's byzantine cosmetics market can't be overlooked either. All three of these games are or were at one point genre leaders and made Valve so much money they basically decided that they didn't really need to make games anymore. A reasonable conclusion to draw, given the fact all three of these games are inextricably linked to their history as very popular mods. Valve just outsources a great deal of its labor to dedicated, naive fans and gives them a pittance of the huge mounds of dollars they make from their hard work. It's a good racket, but it has set an alarmingly poor example to the rest of the gaming world.

Games as a service, in concept, is fine for games that lend themselves well to the idea. MMOs have been using a variation of the model for decades now and that genre is actually like, Perplexingly Healthy. Free to play games like League of Legends and Warframe have also had success with a service model. The problem comes from the AAA Game industry's pathological insistence on shoving square pegs into things that don't even have holes to begin with. Shadow of War, or Assassin's Creed, or any other major singleplayer offering, has no business whatsoever being a Live Service. They are finite experiences by design and that's completely fucking fine and normal. Appending microtransactions and lootboxes to them is a transparent attempt to just suck up a little bit more money from players in the most unsustainable way possible. Here is a small hint if some WB Games bigwig stumbles upon this: first of all, I'm building a guillotine, so you better watch your ass. Second, how dare you fucking make Shelob a sexy lady. Third, (this is the one that is probably most relevant): People are willing to pay as they go for cosmetics and timesavers for games that they like and want to support. I've dumped a lot of money into League over the years because there was a period of time where I was playing it nonstop and having a wonderful time for quite literally no cost to myself, so I felt like buying the cute Panda Annie Skin was a good compromise. Regrettably I would later learn that there are aspects of Riot Games I'm not super okay with giving money to but at the time they seemed agreeable and my friends who work there gotta get payed somehow. This whole dynamic of wanting to support a video game goes out the damn window when you are already charging a $60 entry fee, plus whatever highway robbery pricing you put on the inevitable DLC. In this case, the onus is squarely upon the publisher to provide an experience and content one would reasonably expect of the pricetag. Putting in microtransactions for cosmetics is galling. Putting in microtransactions for actual game progression, like in Battlefront 2 or Shadow of War, is outright insulting.

Many will leap to the defense of these publishers and developers, saying that these measures are necessary to make these ludicrously expensive and lavish AAA games that all look suspiciously like one another. For the time being, let's accept this as a true statement. If this is, in fact, the state of affairs in the industry, then the industry needs to change to a more sustainable business model. When playing Destiny 2, during a big space cutscene, the cute pilot lady ferrying me to The Large Molerat Man's Murderboat had beautifully rendered skin where you could see the pores and the little wispy cheek hairs that swayed to the momentum of the space plane's movements. It was very nice but then the next year or so I heard nothing but people pointing out "hey this game has no content you dipshits" or "the devteam is actually scamming people with the experience system to wring more playtime out of them". The cheek hairs affair succeeded in making me want the pilot to buy me dinner and regail me with stories of her space adventures as I batted my lashes at her in romantic admiration, but also: stop it. You do not need to do this. This is strictly unnecessary. The graphics arms race of yesteryear is over. Nobody cares anymore. Fidelity is plateauing harder and harder, to the point where games running properly on console without having to settle for 30FPS is becoming very difficult. There is an Earth B somewhere out there where Bloodborne was not a sony exclusive and got a PC release with 60FPS support and loading times for humans and on Earth B I am still playing that game for the forseeable future because it is the best game ever. We are far past the paradigm where we are making Tremendous Graphical Leaps with each successive generation. Right now, as of this writing, games look jawdroppingly good. Just ludicrously pretty and grandiose. Continuing to push the graphical envelope for Every Damn Annual Release is a waste of resources: monetary resources, labor resources, system resources. As of March, 2019, what people really want is stability and functionality. Something that runs nice and smooth at 60FPS and doesn't turn its characters randomly into nightmare inverse-Rayman beasts. I think the huge success of the Nintendo Switch, a console with relatively modest hardware but superb functionality, portability, and a surprisingly full featured library of both massive first party titles, like Breath of the Wild and Mario Odyssey (which honestly look better than a lot of games on more robust hardware because of wonderful art direction) and smaller indie games, is testament to this line of thinking.

Maybe that's too bold of a statement. Maybe there's this huge swath of the gaming public that is just clamoring for more cheek hairs. If there are I think they're fucking out of their minds but who am I to judge. As long as games like that werewolf game The Order exist, where the universal reaction is "this is so pretty!!! ...wait there's nothing in here." I think that there is a serious responsibility to push back against that because evidently it's bankrupting the game industry and forcing them to violate international gambling laws to stay afloat. Except it's fucking not, actually. Many publishers are claiming record profits, upward trends, and are in a spot to have the raw nerve to say "well this game that sold 7 million copies didn't sell 8 million copies so it failed to meet expectations". They are doing ludicrously well for themselves in terms of generating revenue from sales. Where these highly successful corporations are running into problems is satisfying the almighty Shareholders. Shareholders are sort of like. Imagine if you got a job where you had to keep a large committee of actual babies happy, except the babies don't know shit about fuck about anything and demand that you routinely break all reasonable laws of sustainability and keep bringing in exponentially higher profits or they will take their ball and go home. There is still, evidently, money enough to give newly hired executives million dollar signing bonuses, but when it comes to just making a game that doesn't fall back on exploiting people with gambling addictions, we're suddenly dealing with an outfit of noble, longsuffering churchmice just trying to make ends meet. People are rapidly getting fed up with this blatant hypocrisy and dishonesty. Sales from Hearthstone card packs alone could fund a robust HotS esports scene for eternity if properly apportioned. This money is not properly apportioned. It is thrown into a gigantic incinerator so Kotick can get high on the fumes.

You might be wondering what this girls' deal is with Blizzard. Surely there are more egregious offenders? Firstly, Blizzard is very relevant at the moment because they are one of the highest profile publishers to recently Do A Business Oopsie. Secondly, I live in Irvine, California. Blizzard HQ is a ten minute drive from where I live. It's a local company to me, and it's legitimately kind of hard to see it continue to go down this path because I've had friends and neighbors who have worked there and enthusiastically described the experience right up until the very moment they get canned for no reason. My alma mater, UC Irvine, is one of the leading schools in the nation on adopting eSports into their collegiate athlete program. I understand, to a lot of people, Electronic Sports (please support them) are a big joke silly thing, but to me and my family who work in the UC system, they're actually like a huge and pertinent part of professional life. I'm literally being consulted by my mom's co-workers for advice and insight on how to minimize the abusive and toxic behavior that has become synonymous with streaming and professional gaming because campus now has a huge eSports center with rows on rows of gaming computers for students to use. Games Are Big. They are a powerful cultural and economic force in the lives of millions of people and denying that because of "haha nerds" is the same shortsighted, utterly-lacking-in-self-awareness wanking that resulted in the stupendously destructive "its just the internet, it doesnt matter lol" attitude that has caused the world so much grief. That said Bart Simpson becoming an esports legend sponsored by Riot Games is still pretty lame don't @ me.

What it comes down to is this: the games industry has grown into a hugely influential and powerful institution that affects the lives of more and more people every day. However, the appropriate growth in regulation, oversight, and worker protection has not occurred and has honestly shrunk. People love to talk up Satoru Iwata because when the Wii U was floundering he took a massive pay cut and refused to lay off any staff, reasoning that "it will be very difficult for our teams to create software that will impress the world when they are constantly worrying about losing their jobs." It's a little incredible that The Baseline Reasonable Thing To Do has elicited such effusive praise, but that's the world we live in and Iwata-san was pretty alright so I'm okay with it. Both his conduct and reasoning are both solidly above reproach in this case: it is really hard to be creative when the Sword of Damocles is hanging over your head! That’s 500% true! This goes for game developers, community managers, eSports staff, support staff, literally every part of the process that matters, even the totally unrelated clerks and communications people who are still completely necessary for creating games. The only people who don't suffer are the dipshits on top who don't actually contribute to the creation of games in any way. They're still fine. Better than fine, really. That's why people are mad. That's why people SHOULD be mad. Don't stand for this anymore.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: I Want to Be Here (4x01)

It's back! This show is a life-changing, beautiful, incredible journey and I'm so happy that we get to see the story play out as the creators intended, even though I'm bummed this will be the final season. Let's hop to!

Cons:

The only thing I ever have to complain about with this show is that I want more of some of the side characters. So while everything in this episode was golden, we didn't spend any time with Valencia and her girlfriend, we didn't see White Josh going about his life journey, etc. etc. But that's not really a problem of bad writing or anything. It's just that when I watch this show I'm so enamored with every little moment that we get, that I find myself constantly craving more. Not a bad problem to have!

Pros:

I want to talk about the technical proficiency of this show for a second. The songs are just so excellently produced. "No One Else is Singing My Song" is a song that relies in part on tight vocal harmonies not just to make the song sound pretty, but to carry the punchline to a multi-layered joke. And if these talented vocalists, the sound mixers and editors, etc. didn't do a good job of creating these harmonies, the joke would fall flat. In "What's Your Story?" we see how the use of light can make or break a song, and there's an excellent moment towards the end when Rebecca flinches away from a spotlight and breaks the fourth wall, adding another layer to the title of the song itself - this is a story about someone telling their story, and she's not doing it right.

And let's talk about titles a little more broadly, too: this episode, and the episodes coming up, do away with the naming convention of having the name "Josh" or "Nathaniel" in every title. Now, we get "I Want to Be Here" and next week's "I Am Ashamed." So on and so forth. There's a great deal of power in that decision. For one thing, Rebecca's "I Want to Be Here" is about wanting to be in jail to serve her penance, but it's also a pretty hopeful moment given the fact that she survived a suicide attempt in the last season.

Let's talk about privilege a little bit, too. Rebecca wants to hear her fellow prisoners' life stories, only to come out of the experience realizing that she has an enormous amount of privilege, and that choosing to be in jail as a symbol of her penance is a really gross thing to do. Her friends tell her this, but she also comes to the realization on her own. There's a bit part where a white prisoner tells us that she got two months for stealing a sweater, and a black prisoner remarks that she got three years for the same crime. We don't need any more time spent than that to get the point that this whole system is completely screwed up, and Rebecca, while suffering marginalization for being a woman and Jewish, is still undeniably more privileged than virtually anyone else in jail with her. This, all by itself, would be a good point to make. But as is always true with Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, they take it one step further. Valencia yells at Rebecca, telling her to stop whining. It's good that she's realized her privilege, but now what's she going to do about it? She can use her advantages to help people, or at the very least she can shut up about how hard it is to be aware of your privilege. This was such a great message for liberal, progressive folk in general. God knows it's a lesson I could certainly be reminded of every once in a while.

Okay. Now for the boys. Both Nathaniel and Josh have "backsliding" moments in this episode, just as Rebecca does, where they fall back into selfish patterns and look for an easy fix for their complicated problems. Josh wonders if maybe he has some sort of disorder that would explain his behavior. Heather and Hector tell him he's being selfish and needs to place responsibility on his own shoulders, but Josh wants that "easy fix" that Rebecca sang about back in "A Diagnosis." And Nathaniel is back to pushing himself to unhealthy extremes, or "emotional cutting" as George puts it, as he embarks on a "Death Wish Adventure" out in the woods without supplies or directions. But by the end of the episode, Josh has decided to see a therapist (Dr. Akopian's husband!) and Nathaniel has reached out to George and allowed his friend to help him. It doesn't mean they've both solved their problems. Recovery and actual improvement take a long, long time, and the journey never really ends. It's something we're learning with Rebecca, too.

As a side note, I want to comment on George for a second as well. He was a character introduced as a running gag, and now we get to a point where when Nathaniel shakes him awake in his tent and asks for sausages, and George smiles in delight, there's a real emotional investment and joy in the moment. I love that this show can do such magical things with such apparently one-note jokes or characters. Valencia is one of the biggest examples of this, but it happens with so many of the characters on the show. George is just some guy. He doesn't have to go out of his way to befriend Nathaniel, who treats him pretty harshly most of the time, but he decides to put someone else's happiness ahead of his own comfort every once in a while. And he's genuinely pleased to be able to help Nathaniel learn about himself. How adorable!

There's this small part of me that felt annoyed that this first episode of Season Four turned back the promises of last year's finale. Rebecca's cathartic moment of "pleading responsible" is revealed for what it truly is - a cop-out and a way for Rebecca to use symbolism to try and dramatically right her wrongs in one fell swoop. But then I think to myself - of course. If we've learned anything from watching this show, it's that the big, dramatic "aha" moments aren't really what changes a person and helps them get better. Rebecca's suicide attempt was a huge moment that dramatically altered her life, sure, but it's not the first time she's done that, and it didn't magically turn a new page for her last time either. It's her decision to do her homework, to try and take risks while not going overboard. It's her decision to attend her therapy (both with her group and one-on-one) and rely on her friends for support. These aren't big moments, they are the every-day things that you need to do if you want to really grow as a person. So here we see that Rebecca "pleading responsible" wasn't a cathartic reset. It was just yet another attempt at a reset. And now Rebecca, who doesn't get to stay in jail, because Trent wakes up and confesses the truth, needs to find the way to improve organically and over time. She starts by volunteering at the jail with free legal advice.

Oh, and we must not forget Paula. The end of last season saw her feeling an intense sense of betrayal upon realizing how often Rebecca has manipulated and used her. Here, we see that Paula is desperate to help Rebecca get out of jail, and ultimately she succeeds in this goal. How? Well, Trent wakes up from his coma and confesses the truth about his stalking and his attempt on Nathaniel's life. But here's where it gets interesting - just as Josh, Nathaniel, and Rebecca all have moments of backsliding but ultimately seem to make a step in the right direction, we see Paula threatening to blackmail Trent unless he comes clean. This is a big step backwards for Paula, who has been worried that her sketchy behavior would hurt her chances to become a lawyer. While we see the others take at least a token step towards a better version of themselves (Nathaniel is honest about his feelings for Rebecca, Josh goes to therapy, Rebecca decides to help people), with Paula we see the step backwards without the hope for a course correction. I'm really curious to see how this goes!

Nathaniel and Rebecca's scene at the end gave me so many complicated emotions and I'm at this point where I genuinely don't know if they're going to be together when this show ends, and I also don't know how to feel about that. What I love so much about their scene together is that it encapsulates so much of what is wonderful and what is damaging about them as a couple. They genuinely love each other so much, and you can see that. Nathaniel is so head-over-heals it's almost devastating to see. When Rebecca says she can't go to Hawaii because she's still working some stuff out, Nathaniel says she's being silly and selfish. This is an unkind and maybe a bit unfair thing to say, but the bigger point here is that Nathaniel is not totally wrong. Rebecca has to learn to be middle of the road. It's a lesson she started last season and she's got to keep going with it now. She's learned that she is privileged and that she needs to own her past bad behavior. Volunteering to help women in jail is an absolutely wonderful idea and hopefully she can do some real good in someone's life. But all of that doesn't mean that she can't go on an expensive vacation with the man she loves. The two aren't mutually exclusive. I think it's a lesson Rebecca and Nathaniel are both going to have to learn if they want any chance of personal fulfillment, let alone a stable and honest relationship with one another.

I could talk about this show indefinitely. It's so good. It's funny, and charming, and real, and sometimes harsh. I'm so glad this final season has a longer episode order than the last couple of seasons, because I don't want to say goodbye too quickly!

9/10

[akatokuro]

The Inevitable StS Rewatch, Episodes 20-22

AH YES, AFTER TWENTY EPISODES, MY TRUE ANIME STS NEMESIS HAS ARRIVED....... THE ANTI-CAMUS.............

- When I first watched Saint Seiya a million (or six) years ago, I didn't really have a strong opinion on the Crystal Saint. Like, yumetabibito made sure to inform me what was actually up with the "Hyouga's master" situation, and it was obvious at a glance that Camus was the superior option for drama and Hyouga's development, but... he seemed okay for what he was?

- But on rewatch, phew, the Crystal Saint comparatively is... really, really bad!

- And it's not like Camus got much more screentime or anything versus the Crystal Saint. Camus is literally featured in like two episodes total out of 114. I don't even really count Camus as being present in the majority of the Hades arc, because he's there as part of a blob with a Saga-shaped head so Saga can dramatically Athena Exclamation at people. But even so, Camus is so much a better character in like every way possible holy cow.

- Before delving into that, though, I do want to note that a) Marin is super cool! and b) these early Aiolia cameos continue to be charming and also hilarious. I really seriously doubt Toei knew Aiolia was a Gold Saint at the time of writing these appearances, and only had his cameo in the first chapter of the manga to go off of. This leads to some really weird but ultimately interesting depictions, like the Silvers repeatedly disrespecting poor Aiolia hard. It was an accident, but it really works for his character and his endless, endless rage.

- Also, Shun and Saori's friendship is cute as fuck. See, this is why even though the filler is ridiculous, I do like some of the feelings of the dynamics we get out of it before the Bronzies get trapped by eternal stairs.

- I LOVE that Seiya repeatedly loses against Shaina early on and keeps having to be rescued from her by others. I really do like Shaina, but I think her having a crush on Seiya is super unnecessary and a total shame - I love her as ruthless and effective, but not necessarily evil.

- Marin throwing shade at Shaina and trolling her is fantastic. Shaina, fall in love with Marin, not Seiya, goddammit! She is objectively the superior option even putting aside Seiya's brain eventually going full broke for Saori!

- My Camusfamily-loving heart did eeeee to get a quick peek at the village I'm sure they had to go to to buy supplies and such. Please give me a filler episode of nothing but Camus terrifying the grocers as he simply tries to purchase carrots for his kids. Look, he doesn't mean to be scary, guys, he's really just figuring out which carrots to buy, it's just his face...

- I always wonder what's up with Camus (and his kids) wearing, like, the sleeveless shirts but also legwarmers? okay guys.jpg

- Okay okay okay. Crystal Saint time.

- It's really funny to think that the Crystal Saint actually probably preceded Camus as a character concept, since we know Kurumada literally pulled Camus straight from his ass ten seconds before introducing him. What makes it kind of a fun thought exercise to compare both of Hyouga's mentors is that they're really the same character concept and "type."  In some ways CS almost feels like a rough draft for Camus, honestly: Hyouga's kind-hearted master who loves him, and really wants the best for him, but whom Hyouga is tragically forced to fight and kill. 

- Crystal Saint, however, plays this absolutely straight with zero nuance or deviation from the script. He is a Good Guy (slaughtering the poor Sanctuary guards and snapping that one dude's neck aside) who objects to Sanctuary's brutality and evil. He smiles and laughs and pats Hyouga on the head and openly encourages him. The only reason he and Hyouga are forced to fight is because he is literally brainwashed.

- Aquarius Camus, on the other hand, needs no fucking outside influence or brainwashing to make a giant fucking trainwreck out of the situation involving the student he loves. HE DOES IT ALL ON HIS OWN, BABY.

- That instantly makes him a better character, because Camus - again, with pretty much the same amount of screentime - manages an interiority and an agency because he's conflicted about what he's doing and does not know the right or best thing to do, and his priorities are a complete tangled mess. He doesn't have it in him to just turn against Sanctuary on a whim. But he doesn't want Hyouga to die. But he doesn't go out of his way to find out what Hyouga is trying to do and if it's right or not, because oh my god Hyouga is going to fucking die aaaa aaaa aaaaaaaaaaa oh god aaaaaaaaaaa

- Part of what makes me like Camus so much is that he feels really interesting and unique for a "good shounen anime mentor" in what an utter fucking mess he is. Most characters in his type, like the Crystal Saint, essentially have their shit together to be very stable and solid figures for the protagonist to fall back on. They might put up a certain harsh facade in order to push their students forward, but ultimately they are in control of themselves and are deliberately orchestrating how they present and such for their students' benefit. I'm thinking of, like, figures like Hiko from Kenshin, or Izumi from FMA, those sorts. But not Camus. He is held in extremely high regard as a beloved mentor by the text - "not a day goes by that I haven't thought of you!" cries Hyouga (lol), and there's no questioning his love for his student, but he is a legitimate panicky fuckup who makes an assload of genuine, unnecessary mistakes in how he handles things.

- I should probably save some of my Camusramblings for when Camus, like, actually shows up though huh. OR I COULD JUST REPEAT MYSELF WHEN THE TIME COMES. YEAH. I'LL PROBABLY DO THAT.

- I also want to note that it's fucking hilarious that, like, Yakov tells Hyouga "oh no the Crystal Saint is evil now" and Hyouga is like "sounds legit" and fights him; meanwhile against the, er, "master of his master", Camus, Hyouga cries and breaks down and can't bring himself to punch him. I... hmm. HMMMMM

- But that's what makes Hyouga and Camus's relationship great and fun. The love between them is what gets emphasized, more than anything else - because their duty as Saints gets very entangled in the doubt that that love brings them.

- ANYWAY. MOVING ON. tl;dr, Camus is so obviously a superior option for "Hyouga's tragic mentor" in every way - as an individual character, and in his relationship with Hyouga, and how events play out - it's obvious why the franchise as a whole sort of innocently whistled and nonchalantly kicked Crystal Saint down a cliff.

- Shunrei and Shiryuu are cute as fuck! I don't give a fuck! They're sort of fun and unique in this setting as Shunrei is a "normal person" who is forced to just sort of deal with what it means for her beloved person to be a Saint.

- W-why do soldiers from Sanctuary have guns...?

- WHY BUILD A COMPLETELY RANDOM ICE PYRAMID?

- I like how they even ask the filler villain "why the fuck are you building a random ice pyramid" and it's like "IT'S A MONUMENT OKAY. FOR REASONS."

- I do like Hyouga being well-known and beloved by the villagers, though! I could totally see that! Playing interference for his extremely socially awkward master when they need to buy carrots...

- Camusfamily is forever my favorite, but Dohkofamily can be pretty fucking cute too...

- Boy, how many times is Saori's house gonna get blown up...

- Saori's reactions continue to feel really fluid and fun if you pay attention to her. I really like her panicking at first at her house getting blown up (AGAIN), but then forcing herself to hold it together and do the rationally correct thing, with obvious difficulty.

- Tatsumi you useless FUCK

- oh my god tatsumi giving in instantly and giving them information. why didn't you  guys let ikki kill him. jesus fuck

- It's a small thing, but I appreciate Saori remaining focused on her worry for Shun in this situation instead of, like, falling back on crying for Seiya or something. It's a bunch of little things like that that make me able to like them as a shounen hero/heroine pairing. Saori has a lot of different things on her plate, not just Seiya.

- Chains aren't the best weapon to fight against a fire-based Saint, huh, Shun? Try hard! If only your boyfriend was here!

- PHOENIX IKKI TRIUMPHANTLY REAPPEARS IN THE ANIME EARLY TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING UNTIL HIS MANGA REAPPEARANCE EXCEPT BE REALLY CREEPILY OOC. THANKS, IKKI!

- i know it's a meme but i still can't deal with that bit ikki waving shun's tears in his face what the fuck