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iridescentmirrorsgenshin · 28 days ago

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How close do you think Kaveh and Alhaitham were back in the Akademiya times?

Hiya! Akademiya days haikaveh are so precious to me, so thank you for giving me an opportunity to ramble about them <3

Outside of the character stories detailing their argument, Alhaitham and kaveh’s initial friendship is most touched upon in-game in their current, informed knowledge of each other - when we first meet kaveh, alhaitham says that he knows kaveh extremely well, and kaveh describes the perceived flaws of alhaitham’s personality

there are a few mentions of their initial friendship during kaveh’s hangout where kaveh discusses first approaching alhaitham in the library, as well as them briefly discussing their joint thesis and the reason for its abandonment, and kaveh also mentions that over an undefined number of years, he and alhaitham have discussed, or ‘argued’, about kaveh’s philosophies

Also, their past friendship is mentioned in a parade of providence when alhaitham uses the language he and kaveh learnt together during this thesis in order to solely communicate with him, which creates an exclusive intimacy between the two

Outside of in-game information about their past closeness, alhaitham’s character stories outline their friendship, but only in reference to their joint project, where it’s explained that they fell out due to differing perspectives – which is similar to what he says to the traveller in kaveh’s hangout

Overall, other than describing kaveh as his ‘former friend’, alhaitham’s character stories omit any significant detail regarding their friendship, as well as omitting any detail after his graduation, other than moving into the house he and kaveh would have shared, and then how alhaitham met him once more when kaveh was bankrupt

Other than kaveh, there is no mention of alhaitham maintaining or even forming any other friendships in his time at the akademiya – and this is highlighted in his character story where it states that due to his detachment from others, he only partook in one joint project in his student life, and that was with kaveh, with kaveh leaving it up to alhaitham to decide the topic for their project

Alhaitham shares the same values as kaveh when it comes to their opposing philosophies being a strength, as the topic he picks harmonises their mirroring fields of interest. Additionally, this is highlighted in his character stories where he believes he and kaveh are mirrors of each other, and that this is essential in achieving a ‘perfected’ vision. It’s only when personal issues arise that this harmony is threatened, and that it is ‘personality’ issues, rather than philosophical issues which is the basis for their falling out

the surfacing of their issues stems from kaveh’s desire to help the others involved in their project at the cost of his efforts - this is more speculatory, but as kaveh left it with alhaitham to decide the topic, it could be that a group project wasn’t what alhaitham had in mind when agreeing to collaborate with kaveh.

in alhaitham’s character stories, there’s no mention of other scholars involved in the project, and only kaveh is mentioned as someone that alhaitham would willingly involve himself with in a joint project. For me, it seems that alhaitham initially agreed to work with kaveh, and kaveh alone, only for people to join over time, encouraged by kaveh.

(although kaveh’s character stories state that he realises that he and alhaitham handle social situations differently, he believes their differences aren’t altogether a bad thing

I think this is so interesting because when working on the group project with others there’s this heavy implication that, before this, alhaitham and kaveh were distant from other people when spending time together, as this project seems to be the first time that they’re confronted with the influence of others to such an extent, as this becomes the catalyst for voicing their concerns/issues with the way the other deals with people)

Alhaitham choosing to work on a project with someone when he never did so previously, and never does so afterwards, highlights kaveh as an anomaly for alhaitham, and shows that the two must have been very close at the time, especially with the knowledge that people in sumeru undertake research projects to form an academic family

This is also relevant in considering the theme of ‘home’ both for kaveh and alhaitham, which is most explicitly seen in kaveh’s character stories, where we learn the origin and the end of their friendship, as well as the few key details that indicates how close the two were

We can infer that alhaitham fills an integral role in kaveh’s life as he is written to have met alhaitham immediately or soon after his mother left for Fontaine, leaving him alone, and without family, in sumeru – just as alhaitham joins the akademiya after the passing of his grandmother, where he is then approached by kaveh. this implies that they fill similar, familial roles in the other’s life

Overall, alhaitham was disinclined to interact with others outside of kaveh, and his exception of kaveh when it comes to a group project shows how much value he placed in his bond with kaveh, a bond which is prioritised by alhaitham throughout their falling out, and to the present day

It isn’t certain how long alhaitham and kaveh were friends for after meeting, only that it was enough time for kaveh to form the opinion of alhaitham being his ‘best’ friend, and for them to decide to undertake a thesis together (which, as discussed, and is something I refuse to get over, can be equitable to forming an academic family, relating to the roles they have respectively taken in each other’s lives)

kaveh considered alhaitham as an ‘intelligent corroborator’ at the beginning of their joint project, which he considered to be rare, and after their falling out due to differences, kaveh believed himself to have been thinking wishfully about their compatibility

Their argument informs us how much the two actually know each other, in that alhaitham is thoroughly aware of kaveh’s father’s passing (which, according to kaveh’s hangout, wasn’t uncommon for students to know of as he recalls feeling judged because of this)

however, the difference lies in that of personal admission. Alhaitham is aware of the context of kaveh’s altruism in relation to his grief, something which other people, such as Layla, can only guess at

Whilst it isn’t certain whether kaveh informed alhaitham of any guilt he felt previously, as this supposed weaponisation of said guilt is the cause of kaveh ending their friendship, judging from kaveh’s reaction to alhaitham’s usage of this knowledge, being that of feeling ‘cut to quick’, kaveh essentially feels betrayed of the trust he placed in alhaitham - considering their implied and explicit past closeness (with kaveh's voice line stating that if he and alhaitham were as close as they used to be, he wouldn't hesitate in showing gratitude for alhaitham helping him) and their definitive informed knowledge of each other, I think it’s very likely that they did talk about these things, or enough for alhaitham to form his own understanding of kaveh’s situation

Additionally, Alhaitham is aware of kaveh’s lack of immediate familial attachments, comparing them to be similar in this sense, even though kaveh’s mother is alive and living in Fontaine, which indicates that alhaitham is aware of their lack of correspondence, and in turn kaveh’s deliberate distance from his mother

Although kaveh is described as being popular and having many friends amongst his classmates, these classmates are not mentioned by name or explored, either in his hangout or his character stories. Kaveh’s bond with alhaitham is the main focus of his character stories in comparison to the nameless friends of kaveh’s school days and post-graduation; since alhaitham can truly see through kaveh, this appears to be a bond to favour, regardless of all the unpleasantries this can bring from being innately known – encapsulated in kaveh piecing back together the thesis cover that he tore up, which signalled the end of his and alhaitham’s friendship

Beyond their initial meeting in the house of daena, and kaveh coming to talk to alhaitham which instigated their friendship, there aren’t many details as to what their original friendship looked like (only that kaveh, at first, believed them to be on the same wavelength, and to have a ‘completed’ view, only to realise that although their viewpoints differed, this wasn’t a negative, and actually strengthened their friendship), but there are a few specific anecdotes of what the two did/experienced together during their initial friendship which I thought would be fun to explore

alhaitham remembers that kaveh used to annotate books in the house of daena and even earnt himself a nickname, which he references to fluster kaveh, only for the traveller to have no clue what this refers to. I think this is a really nice detail, as it shows the history between the two, and that they both hold a deep understanding of each other outside of the traveller’s knowledge

The other anecdote is that alongside the two learning the script from king deshret’s civilisation together (or if alhaitham knew it beforehand and helped kaveh in familiarising himself, it isn’t clear), alhaitham also read kaveh’s favourite books pertaining to ancient architecture for their thesis, and recorded his own notes, alongside kaveh’s. it’s an intimate detail I think that kaveh recognises alhaitham’s handwriting, which I presume is something that is reciprocal <3

Another thing of interest in kaveh’s character stories is an excerpt of an essay in his old sketchbook, which refers to the individual’s beliefs being prioritised over the backing of the collective, which resonates with alhaitham’s philosophies in his character stories when asserting the importance of the individual over the collective

additionally, kaveh's essay also outlines that the purpose of existence is not to solely pursue knowledge, and that it lies in people, with knowledge existing regardless of if it being understood by people - aligning with alhaitham’s character stories of knowledge not being the final destination of humankind, and that it exists externally, outside of human pursuit, in the logic of the natural world

This highlights that despite their key differences, their views can ultimately find a middle ground, which also contextualises the original founding of their friendship, and why kaveh believed that their united viewpoints were ‘complete’ before realising their fundamental differences

Overall, in their student days, i'd say that alhaitham and kaveh were each other’s prioritised bond, fulfilling roles of intellectual corroborators, mirror opposites, best friends, and family <///3 (i would love to get some snapshots into their lives as students, like the details we get about tighnari and cyno’s student days together recent events)

#haikaveh #kavetham #alhaitham #kaveh #genshin impact #alhaitham x kaveh #thank you so much for your ask!!!#sorry it took so long to get to! i'm off more than i'm online these days :(( but this was so fun to get into #i'm absolutely sick with the both of them #what was alhaitham thinking at the time this kshahrewar scholar came over and asked if he needed anything?#what did they talk about then??? and kaveh approached alhaitham more than once in the same way....#was alhaitham looking forward to their interactions?? yes.#i would love a timescale of their respective time in the akademiya and how long they were friends for but then hoyoverse would have to #disclose their actual ages and this seems to scare them so i'm afraid it will never be :(((

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bouquetface · 7 months ago

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PAC: What’s the tea on him/her?

Keep in mind: Not every pac you come across will be for you. Take it as entertainment.

Photos are completely random have nothing to do w the content.

1-2

THINGS THAT MAY BE SIGNIFICANT: CAP. AQUA. JACK HARLOW - AMBITIOUS.

This person is well known. They could be a social person. They could have a big following. It seems this person has reluctantly left a situation.

They felt you or this situation showed little effort or interest. Potentially, you work with them or they’ve decided to focus on work. They may have communicated this to you like “I’m focused on school/work right now” “I’m really busy right now” “I can’t right now”.

Yet, there is a 3rd person involved here. I’m not saying they’re a complete liar. They are focused on materialistic matters over relationships right now. That doesn’t mean they aren’t casually flirting/entertaining other options. This person could be attractive or social n flirty asf. It may come as no surprise they have other options. Whether this person is a man or woman, they have a female friend.

I’m unsure what your connection is to this person. It seems you have little to no contact with them right now. As I said earlier, this reading began with an ending type of energy. Someone cut ties with a friend or lover. They could have left a job and not a relationship too. They felt it showed little or no room for advancement.

They’ve ended something and now they’ve moved forward. Sorry pile 1 idk what you were expecting but I’m not picking up any serious tea/gossip.

You could be asking about a crush. If this is the case, they’ve left a relationship or job. Now, casually opening themselves up to new people.

If you’re asking about an ex friend or lover, they’re moving on. This where I strongly feel they’re getting close with a female friend. Regardless of your person’s gender, they are hanging out with this woman. She seems signifiant so I thought I’d mention her. This likely means something to someone specific.

Also, I keep getting the thought that a lot of you are thinking about a famous person. One of you or many of you are thinking about a celeb crush for this reading. If this is the case, they’ve ended a project or relationship. They’re fine and just living their life.

THINGS THAT MAY BE SIGNIFICANT:

SCORPIO. LEO. PLAYBOI CARTI (i have only 4 songs of his in my Liked Songs. all 4 played on shuffle during this pile).

This person is currently very inconsistent in their moods. They go in and out of people’s lives. Very inconsiderate of other people’s time and energy.

“They’re too old to be acting this way” - The tea on this person is they’re immature. People are fed up with them. Coworkers, friends, family, love interests.

It could be due to external factors. School or work has put a lot of stress on them. For someone specific, this person could even be dealing with something very serious. A pet or friend could have died. As a result, they’re in chaotic energy right now. Sometimes they’re feeling fine, other times they’re wanting to disappear.

They are not someone who is being open with their feelings. As a result, other people are giving them a lot of shit. People don’t know what’s going on with them. They’re getting to a point where they don’t even care.

“[Person’s name] never gives a shit about anybody else’s feelings, why should I give a shit about theirs?” - This is the kind of thoughts people are having about this person.

I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. It seems they could be going through something and have potential to do better. But it seems their recent actions have disappointed/irritated those around them.

They could possibly be cancelling plans all the time. Never showing up or showing up very late. If this is work related, it’s likely they’ve been given a warning. If it’s friend related, seems their own friends just don’t want to invite this person out anymore. What’s the point they never show up anyways?

They’re also very secretive. They may lying to some people. They could have literally stolen something. Once again, this person is being very inconsiderate and selfish. They aren’t focused on anybody but themselves. But with all this self sabotage behaviour, they’re barely taking care of themselves. If they’ve cut you out, know you’re likely not the only one who got cut out. That’s the tea on them.

#tarot pac #pac reading #pick a pile #pick a picture #pick a photo #tarot reading #Spotify #tarotblr #capricorn venus #aquarius sun #aquarius rising #leo rising #scorpio venus #scorpio mars #pick a card

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why-animals-do-the-thing · 2 years ago

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hi there! love your work! i recently had a prof say that all zoos (USA) are bad (so we shouldn't support them) and sanctuaries are better because using animals for entertainment is morally wrong, most zoo profits dont go to conservation, and conservation efforts are bandaid solutions to capitalism destroying animal habitats, so the real solution is to return the land to indigenous stewards to manage/rewild. i didn't disagree with the last bit, but the argument as a whole felt a little off to me for a reason i couldnt put my finger on. am i off base here? just feeling really unsure about the whole thing.

You're not wrong! There's a mix of reality and personal opinions in those statements, and it's definitely something worth critically examining. A quick fact-check of what they said for you:

All US zoos are bad

There's a massive range of quality of zoological facilities within the US (and around the world). Some are stellar and some are not, and it's really just not accurate to lump them all under the same umbrella for almost any purpose. Unless, of course, your issue isn't with animal welfare, and it's philosophical, which is what it sound like in #2...

2. Using animals for entertainment is morally wrong.

This is one of my favorite things to talk about w/r/t how we exhibit animals. Entertainment has become equated with exploitation and implicit low welfare in the last couple decades, and so you get a lot of people saying using animals for entertainment is wrong. But those same folk will say that they enjoy seeing animals in other contexts, and they think that's okay. Where's the line between enjoying something and being entertained by it? What makes something one and not the other? Also, we know that people learn better from from situations which are enjoyable/entertaining - even just a fun teacher who jokes around vs a dry lecture - so how can that only be a problem when it's used to make viewing animals more impactful? I wrote a whole piece on this a while back (linked here) if you want to dig into this more. Some zoos (and accrediting groups) are shying away from "entertainment" type branding - shows are demos now, for instance - and others are leaning into "edutainment" that's done with good welfare and communicates actual education messaging. In short, this is a personal philosophical belief, and you're right to question if you agree. (Even if you decide you do think that too! It's always good to question why someone is arguing what they believe about animal use, and how they came to believe it).

3. Sanctuaries are better than zoos.

There's two reasons I think he's misinformed here. First, almost all exotic animal sanctuaries in the US are licensed exhibitors - just like zoos! I only know of a couple that don't exhibit to the public at all. It's an important part of their revenue stream, because gate take helps support paying for animal care. Also anything you see from a sanctuary on Youtube, Facebook, or TikTok? Also exhibition! They just message about it differently, and often have a different ethos about how they exhibit (e.g. tours to reduce stress instead of letting people wander, doing conservation or rescue messaging instead of just display). Second... look, most people assume that the word "sanctuary" means a facility is intrinsically more ethical than a zoo, and therefore they must be a good place. In reality, many sanctuaries get much less public and regulatory scrutiny (at the state level) than most zoos. There are good sanctuaries out there, but there are also sanctuaries where stuff goes on that would absolutely be unacceptable at zoos, and it slides because of the assumption that sanctuaries are inherently more moral and ethical and care for their animals better.

4. Most zoo profits don't go to conservation

This is correct! Direct conservation funding is often a small part of the money a zoo makes. However, that's because money goes to things like facility maintenance, new construction, paying salaries, etc. If zoos put all the money they made back into conservation programs, practically, they wouldn't have the funding to continue to operate. The question that I'd suggest asking instead is "where are they putting money into conservation" and "are they doing conservation work or just throwing money at something to display the logo of the program." Also, it's worth keeping in mind that a lot of what zoos do to support conservation isn't necessarily financial. Many facilities contribute "in-kind", by doing things like sending staff to assist with programs or teach specific skills, or by donating things like vehicles and equipment. Research zoos do also seriously contributes to in-situ programs, and breeding programs for re-introduction like the scimitar-horned oryx and the black-footed ferret are also conservation. Could many of the big urban facilities with huge budgets do more? Yes. But looking just at dollars spent on conservation programs is disingenuous and inaccurate.

5. Conservation efforts are band-aid solutions to capitalism destroying habitats / Returning the land to indigenous peoples to manage/rewild is the real solution to conservation issues

This is a little outside my scope so I'm going to only address the part that I know. First off, like, there's no One True Answer to conservation issues. That's reductionist and inaccurate. Conservation really is a human issue, though, and it often has to involve solving human problems that lead to negative results for animals. There's definitely an issue with what some people call "parachute conservation" where Westerners swoop in and try to tell people living in range countries how to best manage their animals and natural resources without recognizing their perspectives, needs, or what drives their behavior towards those animals. That's not just a zoo issue - that's an issue with a ton of traditional Western conservation work. And there is progress towards fixing it! In the zoo world, I've been very impressed with the work out of The Living Desert, where their conservation people spend a lot of time overseas teaching people in range countries to evaluate and improve their own conservation programs, so they can assess efficacy and also have data to apply for grants, etc. They provide support when asked, rather than trying to tell people who live with these animals regularly what to do. One of my favorite programs that TLD collaborates with (they don't try to run it!) is a group called the Black Mambas that reduces poaching by supporting entire communities to reduce the desperation for food/income, educating kids about animals, and running all-female patrols staffed by community members.

Overall, it sounds like your professor's view of zoos is really informed by their personal moral perspective, and possibly reinforced by a lot of the misinformation / misleading messaging that exists about the industry and about conservation work. They do have some specifics right, but not necessarily the context to inform why things are like that. It was a good catch to question the mix of information and approach it critically.

#zoo industry #zoo information #philosophy around zoos and what they do #conservation #zoo questions

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genderlessdude92 · 8 months ago

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⭑ ๋ ⊹ ࣭ Lynn’s/Genderlessdude92's masterlist !! ⊹ ๋࣭ ⭑

⋆⁺₊❅.⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙*̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ˚₊⋆⁺₊❅. •̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙*̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ⁺₊❅.⋆꙳

. . .

･ﾟ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⚬•・✦⋆°☽

☆♪..°.CALL OF DUTY.°..♪☆

･ﾟ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⚬•・✦⋆°☽

┃𖦹 I’M OKAY

SUMMARY: Ghost has came back from a harsh mission, most likely beaten to the core, and his S/o arrives worried sick. But, Simon can reassure her that everything will be alright.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

･ﾟ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⚬•・✦⋆°☽

☆♪..°.HAZBIN.°..♪☆

･ﾟ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⚬•・✦⋆°☽

┃𖦹 THE BREAKING POINT

♪ SUMMARY: Y/N is a diligent worker, much to the chagrin of her partner, Alastor. Despite his efforts to get her to stop for both their sakes, Y/N remains steadfast in her duties. However, Alastor finds a loophole to this situation.

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┃𖦹 HOLD ME AGAIN

♪ SUMMARY: Alastor has been neglecting you ever since you guys had a fight. It gets to you. (MAJOR ANGST/MAJOR FLUFF)

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┃𖦹 Alastor x Reader who hates men

♪ANON ASK: “hai :3 can you do alastor with a s/o who is annoyed by men but she sees him and is like "but you're okay" because he's not a brute. it's like wow they're both mean to everyone except each other <3”

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┃𖦹 GENTLE, PLEASE!

♪SUMMARY: Y/N, like the nervous wreck she is, can’t stop spending her free time worrying over something that’s not even a big deal. Of course, one thing lead to another. (Thank you, Charlie, for letting them have the day off).

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┃𖦹 FORGIVENESS

♪SUMMARY: Alastor's work at the Hazbin Hotel keeps him preoccupied, leading to neglect in his relationship with Y/N. An argument later on arises, causing both to confront their feelings. Ultimately, they reconcile, promising to communicate better in the future. The story emphasizes the importance of understanding and communication in relationships.

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┃𖦹 A CLEAN MIND (First Part)

♪SUMMARY: After a long night of doing Lucifer’s Tango with the infamous Radio Demon, limbs sore to the brim, Alastor decides that it’s best to give his darling some proper aftercare. Of course one thing had led to another, but what would they do once they were caught in the net with a knock on the door?

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┃𖦹 AL, VOX, VAL, & LUCI WITH THEIR BIOLOGICAL CHILD

♪ANON ASK: “Hi, I really love your work! If your requests are open and if it's allowed, can I request for headcanons of Vox/Val/Alastor/Lucifer with their biological baby w reader?? I'm sorry if this is weird I just die for family dynamics😭😭 like, how would they act, would they be present or neglectful, and that stuff!! Ik it's impossible to have a child in hell but HEY. ITS FICTIONAL. It's really your decision if this is super fluff or super angst, but personally I believe it would be angst because it's hell and they are really famous 😭 THANKU”

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┃𖦹 PRECIOUS

♪SUMMARY: You and Alastor get into a fight because you’re just worried he got hurt after a fight with Vox. He snaps at you and…well, you isolate yourself. whoopsies!

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┃𖦹 STICKS AND STONES

SUMMARY: Y/N is shaken when Vox mocks her on live television with rude comments and even exposing her secret relationship with Alastor, too. Struggling with self-doubt, she feels inadequate in Hell's power-driven society. Alastor comforts her, emphasizing her unique qualities and their deep connection, helping her find solace despite the lingering hurt from Vox's comments.

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┃𖦹 IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY

SUMMARY: In a tranquil meadow near Cannibal Town, Alastor, the Radio Demon, returns to the sanctuary he shares with his beloved y/n, seeking solace from his chaotic life. Upon finding y/n in a state of distress and in the middle of harming herself, he realizes the depth of her pain and the hidden struggles she's been enduring. Through gentle support and heartfelt conversations, Alastor reassures y/n of his unwavering love and commitment, promising to face their challenges together.

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┃𖦹 I’M ALL YOURS

SUMMARY: Alastor and his S/O face the intensity of rut season together, with y/n offering her support and revealing her innocence. (Yup, you’re a virgin in this). Despite initial apprehensions, their passion culminates in a deeply intimate experiemce, as well as a night to remember.

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┃𖦹 THE STATIC SHE LOVES

SUMMARY: Y/N and Alastor navigate a tumultuous relationship marked by Alastor’s inner demons and his fear of vulnerability. After an intense argument and a moment of emotional and physical connection, Y/N’s unwavering love forces Alastor to confront his self-loathing and open up to her support. Despite the chaos surrounding them, their bond grows stronger as they choose to face their fears and flaws together.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Requests are always open! Notes, Comments, and are reblogs are appreciated! All writings belong to @l4zyb0n35 and @genderlessdude92

#alastor x reader #alastor smut #hazbin hotel x reader #angel dust x reader

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goobernormieomi · 7 months ago

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this is a semi serious post so if u don’t want to read this bc its related to interpersonal conflicts and issues I had w others thats all good! Just felt it was time I said something for some people

So, I want to make it clear that if anyone has anything to apologize for to me, I’d prefer if it was directly and personally. I understand feeling anxious to do so but I find it more disingenuous if someone just makes a doc or a post talking about it instead, yes the behavior some people did against me that was quite honestly disgusting was public, but I prefer a direct apology before one decides to make a post.

I don’t want to talk too much about the whole Mel situation, ever since that whole situation where I left youtube and hid most of my stuff from the public I have wanted to do nothing with the situation let alone her ever again. I am willing to answer minor questions but only in private not publicly, I left behind that whole thing for a reason it was incredibly damaging to me.

To the people who harassed, bullied, shit talked, spread rumors, or generally had the guts to wish death on me because you were in a group with mel or in general in the fanbase. I do hope you guys mean it when you say you’re sorry, and I don’t mean that in a threatening way but in a more genuine manner. Time and time again I’ve seen people get influenced into taking wrong choices and acting so vile all for some “fun” and “bonding” and its been really, really harmful through the whole community from what I can tell.

I just want you all to feel better, find some peace, and let go of whatever it is that makes you cling to this whole situation, I mean this to everyone involved. I don’t generally hold a distaste for many of the ones who acted rudely towards me during the ordeal, most I’m willing to talk things out or simply leave in neutral terms, the only one, and I mean this clearly have it be said and done the only one I refuse to interact, forgive, and generally have anything to do with is Mel. But most of everyone else is fine by me, I understand some of you still hold negative opinions on me and thats all good and understandable.

That being said, I am making this post because of the burner account that recently made a post, I will not respond to it directly because as I’ve said before I would prefer a personal and private apology over a post in a burner account.

I wish all of you guys well, that you heal soon and that you have a peace of mind knowing I don’t hate any of you for what happened. I do get it, and I can’t hate any of you for it, I might not be happy about it but I won’t have hate towards you for what you did. Forgiven or not, don’t feel as if you need to feel guilty forever for what you said on me, I would rather you worked on forgiving yourself and not indulging in that destructive behavior again.

Thats all I have to say! this will prolly b the only time I post anything about this whole situation and its primarily for the third party people not the main person. Again, I just want to live my life, I worked to correct my wrongs and grow as a person and I intend to continue doing so, and I believe that everyone else can do the same as long as the effort is put into it.

take care you guys, I hope you all have a good night/morning/evening 🫶🏼

#important #?#yappost #discourse related #I was hesitating a lot on doing this #mostly because i dont want to be involved at all #but i felt it could be beneficial to those who ykn #do want to apologize or generally want to know my stance #i am up to date to current situations #my stances are forward #i support and believe voided n clovers stories #and i gen believe something needs to be done about mels behavior #call it biased if you all want #but i am doin my best to not let complete bias make my opinion #thats all #take care you guys #ill post art soon 🙏#sorry for the heavy post

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karczel-fanzone · 1 year ago

Text

POV:You failed civics (┬┬﹏┬┬)

Kny High School AU! Gyomei x Reader with severe Social Anxiety

Word count: 930

Warning: Overthinking, Anxiety, and Panic attack description from reader's POV

Just Gyomei being a teacher | Platonic

You appear before the teacher’s room.

Sweat runs down your face from sprinting here and feeling of dread as you stand before the door to it.

It’s your first time failing any test.

And you already heard a mouthful from your parents.

“Seriously?! You failed civics!?”

“Out of every other subject!?”

You have always been bad at socializing and communication.

And you either weren’t paying attention in class or drawing the time away, as you can just use common sense to pass those tests, you thought.

To your surprise, there were laws and ethical conundrums in the test, with situations that you’ve never considered the effects of the outcome before, nor their appropriate answers.

And all the homework you forget to submit that adds up to this moment.

To your efforts, you’re just a few points away from passing this exam.

It seemed like your common sense is worse than you thought,

And you were the only one who missed the first regrading opportunity, so you’re pretty much on your own.

You don’t know if he’ll deduct even more scores that you can get just because of this or make an even harder version of the test than the first one, and the first retest version.

*sniffles*

You knock on the door 2 times, before going in

“Hello… is Mr. Himejima here?”

You felt so tiny and scared in this room full of adults.

Your communication skills were bad among your peers, and even worse with adults as you tried your best to not cry abruptly from sheer intimidation that creeps up to the back of your skull.

You feel your throat painfully trying to close in on itself as you try your hardest to fight against that to not end up speaking in illiterate croaking sounds.

“Yeah? That’s me”

He lifted his head up from his desk as he seemed to be working on something… grades, maybe?

The thought makes you feel guilty and nervous, like you’ve been pricked with a thousand tiny needles under your skin.

“Yes”

You nodded haphazardly.

“What have you come here for?”

“I c-come to take- “

Your throat betrays you as you feel more eyes from the other teachers in the room land on you and you can only breathe in panic as you start to feel a bit woozy.

“What’s wrong?”

“i-I-uhhhhh…”

You felt cold sweats on the side of your forehead as you internally try to regain control of yourself.

But maybe announcing your failure to the entire room of teachers might be too much of a step to take, right now.

Your legs are shaking threatening to make you fall over at any moment.

“Hello?”

Himejima gets up and clicks his tongue near-silently to navigate with the sound that bounces off nearby physical objects as he gets up and makes his way over to you.

He scares you even worse as he’s standing in front of you, terrifying you so bad you almost faint from your own fear.

“h-ah-h- I’m- “

He waits for your answer patiently with a moderate distance from you as you try to speak again.

“I-… I failed you!”

“What?”

He’s just as perplexed as you are.

“w-wait no I mean- “

“I- It’s ok, I’m not disappointed in you.”

“Ah- “

Your low-esteem self automatically thinks that’s because he has no expectations of you since the very beginning, but you keep that thought to yourself, as you realize you can’t stop overthinking.

“You’re the last person who didn’t take the makeup exam right?”

“Y-yes!”

You nod so hard your head’s about to fall off, fearing words might’ve failed you.

“Well, you can take this open book test on the empty desk over there, since you’re the only one left.”

You let out a choked gasp in your throat with closed mouth as you heard the last part.

“N-no pressure, t- take your time.”

“Hfu…”

Hearing that made you give out a sigh that took your stress out a little.

You take out your book and a few online mind maps you printed out to memorize for the past 2 days and start to work on your make-up exam.

You spent a few minutes staring at each question with no thoughts, which made Gyomei a little worried as you seemed very on edge about this test. Granted that he couldn’t even see your facial expression, but he could tell from the taps of your foot and the sound of biting fingernails.

“…You can listen to music if that helps?”

You gasped in surprise.

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

And there you were, looking between your book and the test, breathing more calmly as you listen to your earphones.

It calmed your nerves, and you even doodled on the empty space before turning it in.

“I’m done! …Sir!”

as your hands in your test papers.

You’re not sure if the ‘sir’ made things more awkward, but it felt more right to say, rather than without.

“Ah, hm”

He gently accepts the papers that were outstretched to him, the same paper you were scared to take just a moment ago.

“…”

You two exchange stares without any words, with either of you having any ideas on why the other kept staring back.

“Um…”

“Am I good?”

“What?”

“Uh… Am I good to go?”

“Oh- yeah, yeah. Did you put in your names, number, and class?”

“Yep!”

“Ok, you’re good to go.”

“Thank you! Thank you very much!”

You put a thumbs up to express your joy with a smile on your face,

And he reluctantly returns the gesture.

More fan works and fan stuffs @karczel-fanzone! ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

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shentheauthor · 2 years ago

Note

hc for how the Harbingers' react to their s/o having a panic attack? Specially one that's due to the s/o having social anxiety?

Heyo, sorry this took me longer than usual to get to! I don’t have social anxiety, but I hope I do ok with this.

————

Pierro:

Removes you from the situation

He will try to get you out of there as fast as possible

When you’re in a quiet place, he’ll walk you through breathing exercises

He def understands panic attacks

You cannot tell me he hasn’t had them before

So he’ll just talk you through it

And he won’t force you to go back into the social situation that caused it

He has obligations as a harbinger, so he might not be able to stay with you the whole time, but he will make sure you’re okay before he leaves

Chad old man, 10/10

Capitano:

He would also 100% understand panic attacks

If he doesn’t have them himself, he def has soldiers who do

While he isn’t experienced with social anxiety, if you communicate w him about it, he will make an effort to understand

Basically just tries to be there for you and talk you down

He’ll make sure nobody is looking at you

Tries to help keep you grounded

If you’re ok to be touched, he’ll rub your back and hold your hand

If not, he’ll just stand and hope his presence helps

Another 10/10

Dottore:

Ok I’m gonna be level w you

He sucks MGKBKBFJBKKDKVJDJ

But hey he will put in an effort 😭😭😭

It would take him a while to realize what’s happening to you, but when he does, he’s already moving to get you to a quiet place

He doesn’t know what to do with himself

So he’ll just ramble about the physical symptoms of a panic attack 😭

He’s trying, ok?

He wouldn’t really be much of a help, but at least he will stay with you until you’re calm

And reassure you when you’re okay enough for it

After the first time it happens, he’ll study up on how to help

He does genuinely care, even if he doesn’t know how to show it

I’m giving him a 3/10 JGKBKFKG

Columbina:

MUCH better than Dottore, first of all

She won’t necessarily remove you from the situation at first

Just tries to quietly ground you where you are

If it doesn’t work tho, she will leave with you

Talks you down to the best of her ability

Definitely knows the 5-4-3-2-1 technique thing

“Name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste”

When you’re sufficiently calm, she’ll sing to try and soothe you

Very understanding

If anyone saw you having a panic attack, they’ll pretend they didn’t bc columbina is lowkey scary NGKBKFM

11/10, would recommend

Arlecchino:

Mmmm she kinda sucks too

But not as bad as Dottore

She’s the type to tell you to “suck it up” before she realizes it’s completely serious

Then she snaps into caring mode

Immediately whisks you away while glaring at anyone who so much as glances at you

Shockingly good at talking you down when she understands what’s going on

She might sound a bit harsh while talking to you, but she isn’t a very soft person in general

And she’s trying her best

She’ll def get better as time goes on

She will memorize the techniques that work for you, and help you prepare for social situations beforehand to prevent another panic attack

All in all, 6/10

Pulcinella:

Oh he would be so good at this

Similar to Pierro in how he treats you

So gentle and patient

He might try and get you to go back to where you left after

But he won’t push it if you can’t

He will let you use him as a comfort item, like a teddy bear

I genuinely love him sm

9/10

Scaramouche:

Another who would tell you to suck it up

But once he realizes that you really, truly can’t, he’ll soften

Gets you outta there so fast

Threatens anyone who stares JFVKFKF

He wouldn’t really know how to help you, but he knows humans are supposed to breathe

So he’ll try to help you w that

I hc that he sorta has fake lungs, so he can make breathing noises

Gets you to breathe along with him

He won’t make you go back when you’re calmed down, shockingly

“I don’t want to go back either. It’s a drag.”

Get you a man who helps you skip social interactions

7/10

Sandrone:

She doesn’t understand people

And her only experiences with panic attacks have been other people having them because of her

But when she found out you have social anxiety, she prepared herself

So she actually knows exactly what to do

She likes having control over everything in her life, for the most part, and this is something she can help you control as well

She’ll walk you through breathing exercises and grounding techniques

She naturally sounds harsh, but she will try to communicate that she doesn’t mean it

She struggles with understanding how other people feel, but if she thinks of it like machines, it helps

“Sometimes machines overheat and need to rest in order to operate normally”

She also hates people, like Scara, so she won’t make you go back either LMAO

Shockingly helpful, 8/10

Signora:

Instantly ready to go

Removes you as fast as possible and tries to help calm you down

It takes a lot to thaw her heart, but since you’ve already done that, she will be so good at this

Very patient and understanding

Knows grounding techniques bc she did hella research

She’ll talk to you softly long after you’re already calm

Helping you feel like your normal self

She will maim anyone who dares to comment on it after

She’ll also help you prepare for future situations, and is generally extremely patient

12/10, I adore her, and she would be so soft for her s/o

Pantalone:

He also kinda sucks MFKBKF

He spent his whole life clawing his way to the top and essentially turning off his empathy for other people

But for you, he will shove aside his cutthroat business man attitude and try his damn hardest

He doesn’t know how to help with panic attacks

Like at all

All he knows is breathing helps

So he’ll just take you out of the situation and sit with you until you can speak enough to help him help you

He’ll learn what you need to calm down over time, but there will be a period where he just sucks ass

I love him, but he def can’t handle people he cares about going through a panic attack

Usually he’s the one causing them

He’ll buy you shit as an apology for being terrible tho, so there’s that

And he def pays attention to what you like and what you need, so those gifts would be so good

Basically, he doesn’t know shit, but he is willing to learn

5/10

Tartaglia:

By far the best out of all of the harbingers, even including the ones I rated higher than a 10/10

I hc that at least one of his siblings has social anxiety

So he knows exactly what to do

Takes you out of the situation, walks you through grounding techniques and breathing exercises

Gets you water and offers any physical comfort you may need

Respects your space if you require it

Talks to you for a while after and tries to get you to smile

He would notice you’re starting to have a panic attack before you do, probably

So nobody would even see, and you would be able to calm down p fast compared to the others

He will just be so gentle w you

And he will also help prepare you for future situations

Literally just the most understanding

48384/10

I hope these hcs are ok fkvkekgkekvkg I also hope they aren’t too repetitive…

#genshin impact #harbinger headcanons #Fatui harbingers #Shen’s headcanons #Pierro #capitano #Dottore #columbina #Arlecchino #pulcinella #Scaramouche #Sandrone #Signora #Pantalone #Tartaglia

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m0tel6mxzzy · 2 years ago

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rue bennett, ginny miller, and lack of nuanced perception in how mental illness in black women works

i think the tragedy of euphoria (if i had to list just one) is partially the fandom’s lack of understanding of rue, leslie, and gia…cultural attitudes in the black community have a lot to do w why leslie acts the way she does. and then race is never mentioned bc sam levinson doesn’t comprehend the nuances of race and mental health in the black community.

he can comprehend addiction, but nothing like the fact rue being a black woman will have her heavily stigmatized by the black community as well as the predominantly white one she lives in as her “proving black stereotypes.”

that just hits a lot harder knowing in the beginning of s1, she has zero hope and so it feels very hollow when lexi encourages her sobriety, and again in s2 from jules when she’s going thru withdrawals. she is tired of being the scapegoat by everyone around her, even if they have valid reasons for wanting her to get clean and she is making decisions that harm others. and she feels during the s2 interaction with cassie that she is being pitied, simply cannot take it anymore, and retaliates bc she is just so tired of everyone around her being believed to be innocent and pure when they are not, and her being expected to be even in the throes of addiction and it being perceived as “not her.”

bc in a sense, rue is not her addiction. however, she’s lived with it so long that she is used to it, practically revels in the deviant label her entire schools mocks her with, and thus feels like she cannot leave. jules conflicts with this, because she cares for rue as a friend and romantically but is not going to associate with her if she continues. but even when she is sober, people like nate are shit talking her efforts to stay clean when they simply have no idea what she’s gone through, yet jules is proud of her despite rue finding it hard to stay clean. cassie only does the same as nate because she needs a defense for having gotten with him but not taking accountability for how that hurt maddy, even if she was right rue’s friendship with lexi was incredibly toxic and transactional. the issue here is everyone has valid points abt rue except for nate, but no one is seeing the nuances of her situation. it’s either “she’s good because she’s clean” or “she’s bad because she’s not” and jules seemed to be the only one blurring that line because she’s dealt with addiction in her family before.

leslie kind of reminds me of my mom in that she did help me thru mental issues, but it was a very “deviant” thing to do bc of how in most of black american society, racism is seen as something you need to be “stronger” than and thus stronger than any other obstacle. so realistically, some black ppl in rue’s extended family might actually ridicule her or attribute her addiction to personal flaws or solely her father’s death. rue is an atheist, but also her mother was this religious church girl in her youth and rue is seen in church settings during rehab. there’s a possibility leslie didn’t even tell others abt rue’s hospitalizations or if she did and word got around, she had to fabricate some sort of lie so rue would not be judged for her addiction.

and ppl perceive leslie as “overreacting” as they do gia and that’s very suspicious to me. idk like, as compared to ginny and georgia ginny has severe depression and georgia is like, praised for a lot of the manipulative shit she says to ginny when that’s a huge contribution to her mental issues not being resolved for as long as they were in the first place. i personally think a lot of the g&g fandom missed the point of the show—georgia is not perfect. loving your kids does not mean they don’t get to feel traumatized when you admit to murdering their step father. generational trauma is a thing and you cannot love someone into not acknowledging or feeling their extent of their own.

ginny and georgia somewhat makes that distinction in the therapy sessions by explaining bc georgia is white there is a lot of experiences she cant understand ginny has, so she cant just invalidate them. however the fandom is so corny and anti black that they will compare ginny’s trauma to georgia’s to undermine her. and then praise georgia for doing what she should’ve done as a parent which is support ginny and complain how ginny should be “more grateful to have her.” and say the same abt her father. that truly just paints an insidious lack of compassion for black women dealing w/ mental health issues. bc abby and marcus, dealing with their own, have quite never been given such animosity for having mental issues, they’ve actually been given much more sympathy.

#y’all. this took me 45 minutes to write #euphoria hbo #ginny and georgia #rue bennett #ginny miller #mazzy makes a giant ramble

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psychics4unet · 2 months ago

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Edit — my apologies, bro! If possible, could I please scrap my other question and ask this one instead? It’s an updated one regarding work.

Can I please receive guidance/a reading regarding what I am meant to get out of my current job/place of work and what I need to do in order to make things better and easier for me as far as navigating my coworkers is concerned?

Long story short, I’m very uncomfortable. People are pleasant enough, but we operate on very different wavelengths w/ ppl imo coming off as aggressively social & invasive when it comes to personal details about private lives – many which I am not willing to answer. Also, despite the fact that I am polite & professional, & willing to small talk about other things (& I have tried to do so with some coworkers), some have tried to provoke reactions out of me because I come off as “ stoic” & they are “ unsure how to approach me.”

They haven’t given me much to work with, and I’ve already had to make MANY adjustments in the short time. I’ve already been here. I don’t think it’s fair that other people get to come as they are and focus on their work, but I am indirectly being forced out of/away from my boundaries and being poked at.

People are pleasant enough on the surface & I’m trying to figure out how to watch the balance between staying away from the BS/focusing on my work and doing just enough that I’m allowed to simply do just that without others making it into a thing.

I’m tired & wondering how long I should be here. As I’ve shared with you, ish has been tough lol 😅

Free Chakra Psychic Reading! (PAID READINGS ARE ALSO OPENED!)

Your solar plexus chakra 🌞, the seat of personal power and boundaries, is radiating a strong yet strained energy. This suggests that you are in a phase of asserting your identity in a space where others expect conformity. The discomfort you feel is a reflection of this chakra being stretched, it’s working hard to maintain your autonomy in an environment that challenges it. To support this energy, focus on reaffirming your inner strength. Practice mindful breathing exercises when situations arise, grounding yourself in your core. Repeat affirmations like, “I am confident in my ability to hold my boundaries with grace.”

Your throat chakra 💙, linked to communication and self-expression, feels slightly blocked, likely from the effort of balancing professionalism with self-protection. This energy indicates a need for clear, intentional communication. You don’t have to share more than you’re comfortable with, simple, polite responses like “I’d rather not get into that” or redirecting with neutral topics can help. Express your limits confidently, and remember that your worth is not tied to how much you reveal.

Lastly, your root chakra ❤️, connected to stability and feeling secure, is flickering. This shows that the environment is shaking your foundation. While it might not be a long-term space for you, there’s a lesson here about maintaining your sense of security regardless of external circumstances. Ground yourself with daily rituals like stretching or journaling to reinforce your emotional resilience.

Summary: This job seems to challenge your boundaries and communication, pushing you to strengthen your self-expression and inner stability. While it may not feel ideal, these lessons are sharpening your ability to hold your ground in challenging spaces. Stay true to yourself, lean into grounding practices, and trust that this is a stepping stone, not your final destination.

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abyss-seer · 4 days ago

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PICK A CARD READING Hey there this is the continuation of this pick a card reading, linked below.

Pile 6

1. Confirmations

LGBTQ-IA+ Communities, Lewis, Louis Vuitton, Tangible, Lewd, Hentai, Letters : L,W,T,R , Rose, 44, number 4, April, 2, 8, August, Aries, any baby zodiac sign, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer specifically, Leo specifically

2. How deep is your relationship with each other?

Right off the bat I got the song Die with a Smile and the Wheel Of Fortune. The Wheel Of Fortune, represents changes, it tells me that you guys could be versatile in relationships. You understand the need to change and grow in a relationship. Both of you could have been brought up in rigid ideal systems which you guys let go of. The depth of your relationships has allowed you to let go of the societal stereotypes, opinions and conformist ideologies to see things with more clarity. It seems like the depth in your relationships is your innate and deep understanding to the rise and fall of a relationship. This relationship could have taught you how to be truly friends with ex partners.

Someone here could have mercury in 7th house or venus in 3rd or 4th or 11th house. Some of you could have had to attend your ex's wedding. Ouch!

So this was the original interpretation for the first spread but then due to many interruptions, I was led away from your reading, and one of the things I observed was that, all of my hard work and effort I made to write this pile was wasted. It feels like relationship sometimes ends up going one way deep for some of y'all. just letting you know there could be a lot of tension due to confusion. Lot of gaslighting, does he love me or love me not.

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It reminds me a lot of Taemin's she loves me, she loves me not.

Iam also getting that maybe I had been way too judgey of this relationship's depth in my past spread. Iam sorry if I did anything of that sort, but honestly, most of the things I was picking up about this relationship was the nature of understanding between both the partners who communicate well with each other, and might understand when its time to let go and when its time to stay. Maybe spirit has been calling out how much effort you two made to make it all work but still if it doesn't work out, its not both of your fault, you tried your level best and then you coudn't try anymore, so the two of you left. I think the energy is about you both don't have make efforts to find reciprocative love, love will naturally make someone love and care for you. "You don't have to be the one sided one to hold back on your options, if you don't want the other person" It maybe because it is easy for me to let go of all my options to be exclusive to one person I think reciprocates my feelings as well, I find it hard to believe or understand how can the other person not know or understand that I am going completely exclusive just because they said they are feeling the same way as well. I feel like you are far more mature and understand and take the NFL player seriously. (lol what am i writing) so its kinda like a relationship where both of you were dating around while dating each other. And finally found the most love and understanding with each other, ok adults, idk why this pile seems to underestimate me or us spiritual folk's understanding. Idk why now I feel judged. Like do you think that we have never done that, so we might judge you folks? Ugh I am so sorry that you felt that way.

this is just an example to explain situation. But you guys could have been turned into third party in your relationships, I am sorry to explain it this way, but in the heat of the moment, this is storyline I picked up on. Sorry it was really confusing and frustrating for me to channel this as well. I don't mean to project or anything but please don't take this storyline literally. Ok right off the bat there's too much deception in this pile, like what is going on, like this relationship first started off as unconventional due to the nature of commitments, so you two tried to let go of commitments but still couldn't let go of the idea of exclusivity, so you two invested in a open marriage relationship and due to nature of this relationship, things turned into your favor and then you guys got in a threesome kinda relationship or became a third party. But then you feel like you made a wrong decision in a hurry, as it seems like instead of hurrying too much into this relationship, you should have given some time to reason with yourself as to why you feel this way about traditions and commitments. Is it because you were forced into following it, so you feel averted by it? Did you ever meet someone who did unconventional relationship like yours and tried asking their opinions? Did you try seeking opinions of the completely opposite parties who are committed for years and years? Did you seek opinions of people who were once in unconventional relationships and then later changed to conventional or did you try asking opinions of people who did vice versa. Did you try comparing your mental morality to their mental morality? Did it resonate?

Its also giving me someone who didn't accept a proposal and let their lover go? and realized they made hurried decision, but are now trapped in a emotional cycle or loop.

Cause now I was even seeing visions of someone completely berating or destroying other people's culture, sense of worth and life's meaning (i was getting visions of throwing insect, lizards, bugs, and stomping on people's prayer services, food and drinks) (oh my god, this is so violent and almost sick, deprived behaviour just done due to ego clashes, omg it's bad what is this? pile 6, maybe some of you are thinking like this, some are straight up behaving this way, have some control over your thoughts, just because your traumatizer had once had these puppet like strings on your head in the name of tradition doesn't mean they can control your head again, or you again. Again take your power back, reclaim your religion, sect, traditions on your own terms and understanding, you don't have to do it all at once, calm down) , just because they didn't find their own despite running away and completely discarding the very thing that they might have been traumatized to follow, and its okay to discard the things you were traumatized into following, it doesn't mean, the very thing you saw as evil has won, its just a shift into new perspective and treat it as such. Let no one banish or shame you or treat you like sh!t, just because you are learning traditions. This is so sad, Rituals and traditions are something that needs to reclaimed by a soul in their own terms and understanding. Blindly doing it all means nothing.

Cause someone here feels trapped due to relationship issues but is still taking accountability for it all, and working hard to making it all work despite the consequences. Oh my God I feel horrible, I thought this relationship was filled with so much understanding for each other, but now I am finding that's how it was on the surface, now after understanding the compromising, and flaws in this relationship, it feels like its flawed and failure (well every relationship has failed many times, but both parties make it work again, and every relationship is flawed, I guess some of you had zero expectation, and this was somebody you were in past relationship with who might have abused or harrassed you this way, I am so sorry you went through something like that, please know that you didn't deserve such treatment. Maybe this person had some issues they had to sort out on their own.

My God! Iam really getting a bitter sting or bittersweet narrative from this pile, like restless body, fear and anger trapped in body, like this gives me a feverish pile. Not a fever dream, feverish, sick, needs to go to doctor or sleep ASAP. Its like a powerfully potent soul with lots fire is sitting in a pungent, stale smelling, woodpecker body, that does nothing but repeats the same pecking motion continously without a break, tirelessly working or repeating tasks day and night not giving rest to themselves or their own body. omg pile 6, this is harsh. I was also seeing a shadow of a guy who could have been shot in his right chest and poison entering his body through his head. Maybe somebody's lover died/was casted out of a community or a group. Idk why I am getting a huge loss of a lover for some reason.

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3. How can you look for depth in your relationships?

"Bongo", Idk playing drums like bongo. I am channeling, "How can you insist on looking for depths in a new relationship or insist on looking for a good relationship?" Whatever it maybe I am seeing you insisting on keeping a new relationship and find depth in the new one? By being honest and genuine about your success. idk why I channeled Beyonce/Queen B, i channeled the word "hot". Ok slow down, like someone here in particular could find her hot (i mean everybody does, you on game?). Idk why am I channeling Kendrick Lamar, someone here could be from Black American community specifically, like I m channeling Kdot's "Be humble, sit down", i channeled "gave a grave ceremony" commenting on Kdot. "you Malibu's most wanted, fresh gatorade or something, since 2006 I had this b*ch jumping" "you run to atlanta"

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Ok this a lot, like idk why my crown was hurting, but boy oh boy it hurts a lot.

"Narcissist" Pile 6, I get the hate, I get the anger, but can you all just take the break for a while, like if the relationship's over. "take the TV off" ok listen Kdot's lyrics were 2009 not 2006, but then iam hearing take the tv off, hearing problems, and excess light emission from phone. Idk what boring habits are you repeating again and but can you stop for a while "Mustaaaaaaaard". Ok I just realized the more I tell you stop, the more noisy my channeling becomes, the more Iam made to hear K.dot. Ok listen Pile 6, just because someone is telling you to stop doesn't mean you should but then why are you doing the exact opposite. Maybe this might have been a survival mechanism, but can you please stop doing the exact opposite of what's been expected of you or told to you to do. Not everybody's here to harm or suppress and torture you into doing something you don't want to do, maybe some of you haven't even realized this yet, maybe you are being urged to find the wisdom in other people's advices by processing it with your own brain. Stop receding their advices. See if you only depend on other people's processing, and their perspective to see through a situation without processing sh!t in your own brain cells, not only will the golden wisdom recede from your brain cells but also people will easily fool you into thinking that the perspective they expressed to you was the only reason they advised you something like that. You need to understand and think with your brain cells.

This is what your abusers want you to do, they dont want you to think, they don't want you to realize, they have never ever wanted you to understand or realize their underhanded tactics. That is why they kept you away from talking, badmouthing them or exposing them, that's the reason why they are keeping you engaged through tv, calls, phone calls, social media or rage baits. They don't want to see you succeed. Afterall your breakdown is equal to success for them. Just calm down and ask yourself. "What is it that they really don't want me to see?" "Why are they provoking me?" "Just what will they get by getting a reaction outta me or provoking me or my instincts" "Just what do they really want?" Iam getting 34+35 by Ariana Grande "Why do they not want you to win?" "Why do they want me to stay up all night?" Someone could have been trying to disrupt your sleep cycle just to keep you bedridden all day long. omg, I'm so sorry, this literally gives me Gisèle Pelicot's case in France. Im so sorry if any of you went through it. I'm sorry, please take care of yourself.

Don't you see or understand what this all means? Your enemies don't stand a chance against you. They have just tried their best to keep you in a bunker bed cause in literal reality, they can't even defeat you. So instead of boiling in anger for revenge, cool down, slow it and think what and why. Why do they want to keep you in your angry state? You may have always wanted clarity, you may have always asked this abuser why they did so? This exactly why. Cause weak people can't let you use your own brain or you will grow tougher than them.

First of all in your new relationship you might be asked to bring your fresh sense of humor, I just got a vision of someone making fun of the herbs I burn in tarot reading, as a paan masala advertisement. Let me tell your sense of humor is fresh and anew, there are some situations in which these jokes can be seen as controversial or political. But eff it you don't need to explain yourself to anyone except the people who get you, (only if they quite get your jokes sometimes). You don't need people villainizing anymore for your free speech, you need some space, you deserve a well developed communicative group of friends and lovers. So geez, say No thank you to who or whatever doesn't understands you and move on. (idk why i channeled "J Cole founded/funded it", "CPR" but you will know it, so adios)

Anyways do not be afraid to take your wins and call your shots. We win some, we lose some. We are in this world to experience life so might as well live through these moments of victories and loss.

Someone's definitely laughing their a$$ off from "Since 2009 I had this b*ch jumping"

Stop idealizing abundance, money, luxuries or other amenities to happiness, so much that you stop paying attention to those things that actually made you passion about the very thing that you once wanted to do. Stop comparing your money or abundance to your drive, motivation and passion to build your worth, "pay attention to net worth or dollars". Stop calling people slaves for doing what they love to do, it just feels like dominoes, if a small one or the first one slips, everybody starts falling. Instead be grateful to people for helping you or doing what they did for you as they did it out of love and respect for you, you might deny their love but it was done for achieving a purpose.

That drive that they felt in their body to help you with something was the God given strength of their soul that helped them work hard and achieve whatever vision they had in life. It was not always about or for money, sometimes its love for a dream or a passion but something innate in their mind that drives them through these tough times. Whatever strength you receive be grateful for that as God has given it to you for a short period of time to help you achieve your goals. So don't waste it on distractions. But focus on your goals and try not to surround yourself or be in relationship with vanity minded people or people who take things at a face value, as not only do I see them demotivating you but also not helping you as you struggle to burn these chains of tradition that were ladden onto you.

"Once upon a time, all of us was in chains Homie still doubled down callin' us some slaves Atlanta was the Mecca, buildin' railroads and trains Bear with me for a second, let me put y'all on game

The settlers was usin' town folk to make 'em richer Fast-forward, 2024, you got the same agenda You run to Atlanta when you need a check balance Let me break it down for you, this the real nigga challenge

You called Future when you didn't see the club (ay, what?) Lil Baby helped you get your lingo up (what?) 21 gave you false street cred Thug made you feel like you a slime in your head (ay, what?) Quavo said you can be from Northside (what?) 2 Chainz say you good, but he lied

You run to Atlanta when you need a few dollars No, you not a colleague, you a fuckin' colonizer The family matter, and the truth of the matter It was God's plan to show y'all the liar

Mm, mm-mm He a fan, he a fan, he a fan (mm), he a fan, he a fan"

I was led to post these lyrics as well

4. What is it you aren't seeing or doing about your relationships?

"You think the Bay gon' let you disrespect Pac, nigga? I think that Oakland show gon' be your last stop, nigga Did Cole fouI, I don't know why you still pretendin' What is the owl? Bird niggas and bird bitches, go

The audience not dumb, shape the stories how you want Hey, Drake, they're not slow Rabbit hole is still deep, I can go further, I promise Ain't that somethin'? B-Rad stands for bitch and you Malibu most wanted

Ain't no law, boy, you ballboy, fetch Gatorade or somethin' Since 2009, I had this bitch jumpin' "

Here you go your favorite lines, don't ask me why am I even posting these lyrics here, but it seems like these lyrics just wanted to prove something right, or someone was warned beforehand about this??? idk anything about this but this is what I am channeling. Goodbye

Well the answer seems pretty obvious for some reason, you could be in a financially dire situation as of now and the stability isn't solid, some of you are still living in the shadows of your past, still traumatized from a relationship. Could have developed some auto-immune from that time, your nervous system and body is still trying to calm down. Thus when it comes to your emotional health in terms of relationships, you feel satisfied on your own regardless. Though when it comes to other people's emotions you are pretty much not feeling innit as of now, you could be feeling drained. So drained that you could be doing pretend as of now. You may show something else on the outside, but are feeling quite vulnerable at this moment so may have taken retreat from the dating scene or relationships of any kind that could have felt draining to you. All in all I see you taking charge of yourself and the trauma you got from your bad past, hence healing, which is why you aren't seen doing much in the relationship sector.

"Not researching something properly and getting attacked by a oxford medallion" Okay first things first I see you being led by ignorance, you may not want to use or understand the word of Bible or God. Whenever work calls you, you rather than working, try to deny it all together by having fun, or distracting thoughts. Stop listening to so much gutter, stop feeding your mind things which are unnecessary things and defending yourself from your mind's endless rantings and imaginary court cases, you don't have to defend yourself from anything imaginary. Your abuser has long gone. Just imagine it and calm your mind whenever this hypothetical defend yourself imaginary scenario comes. Stop letting these thoughts run wild at your work, instead take a counterintuitive approach, and distract these thoughts by giving yourself a scenario that all these bad people from your life are gone. Not everything needs to be approached intuitively especially with a traumatized nervous system, keep a balanced approach, keep your cool and use your logic as well.

oh my god, pile 6, if you have come till here and still haven't left this typical traditional/conservative abusive family that expects you to stay in kitchen 24x7 till now and are still busy fighting them I suggest you to leave.

5. How is the lack of depth in your energy affecting your relationships?

Ok I shuffled the cards and look what I see, your longing for not wanting to see the truth. This pile is similar to pile 5. But pile 5 had problems accepting themselves, this pile has a lot of problems accepting the flow of life or believing in God's plan for a larger than this life. This pile rejects the bare truth that's presented right before their until the consequences of this ignorance come crashing at their door and they start feeling hopeless, This gives me the fight between Puss in Boots and Death, though Puss wins in the end, he could only do so by accepting the nature of life and death and its cycles, and when he stopped playing Peek-a-boo with his grim reaper and mustered the courage to face death. (Idk Kendrick Lamar must be such an inspiration for this pile, idk why his soul comes through all the time). That's what you could be lacking in your energy, the acceptance of the truth, acceptance of the inevitability of nature, it might be surprising, insidious at times, but the truth is revealed to you for a reason, its not just here for you to accept it, its here to teach you something.

Its not time to hide and seek from the weak foundations that are crumbling down right now, it is not the time to succumb to the hopelessness of the truth, Its time to accept it and see the inevitable, (something which you had no control over) for what it is. Maybe you could have controlled it, maybe it was bound to be under your control, but you didn't see it coming back at you to take over you, maybe you didn't see how the very thing that was bound to be in your control not in your control anymore. Maybe because it was never meant to be controlled by you. Maybe because it was meant to leave you. Maybe because you had to let it all go, That's what you didn't see coming, the revelation of this truth that you had to let it all go. Maybe you don't or didn't want to accept the fact that you were the hurting the other person/the opportunity, but now that the truth is coming out to light, you had to accept the nature of your consequences, trust the universe, believe it after all what isn't meant for you and what you aren't meant is bound to leave you behind. You can't hold it back anymore, no matter how big this person, this relationship, this love is, maybe its the truth you need to accept, maybe you aren't meant for it. Its not about whether you did the work or have the potential to make it work, so you deserve it or not. It was never about deserving it at all, it was all about experiencing it, loving the person/relationship, accepting and experiencing them for who they are and then accepting that sometimes its just not meant to be yours. There's no point in shouting at the truth of your destiny or blocking it all out through anger, pain and frustration. Its about accepting the flow of this universe and not letting pain get the best of you, but moving on, that's what's the most important thing at this moment.

Some things in life are inevitable, sometimes no matter how hard we work in a relationship, we will have to accept that sometimes no matter how good the person is, the circumstances just aren't right. And sometimes the circumstances are right, the person isn't alright, whatever it is that is holding you back, just let it all go. Just know that when one door (I'm hearing someone having to close their shop) another door opens. Maybe someone here had to close their Walmart store to move near their childhood sweetheart, and it might be acting as a hindrance for them pursuing their love. Believe in possibilities of new beginnings no matter how rough or scratchy your new beginnings. "They can make it worth it" I feel like you are getting a green signal that marrying this person's worth it. But I am seeing the doubts if its worth the career you are leaving. I think the choice is yours, Do you believe that you can make it all worthwhile? Do you think you can start a new beginning? Do you believe in yourself enough to be able to this? Do you have faith in your partner to help you through this rough time? Do you believe in sharing your load with your people, cause this time maybe you don't have to be the one doing it all alone.

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I think the lack of depth in your (new) relationships is due to you not asking for help when needed, and taking it all alone on your shoulders, Maybe there's no need of all this perfection, to show up as this perfect person all the time. "No time to embrace your flaws" I guess maybe that's why you aren't able to accept the flow of Universe and the divine timing, maybe there's too much pressure to embrace divine timing or too much pressure to just letting things flow. Maybe you are facing to much pressure to produce the perfect results as of now. I would like you to take a good glimpse of your time and energy to see where your attention is going. Cause even though you are practicing your perfection, its slow and it takes time, it isn't instant growth, so I think accepting help for solving your problems is fine, its also fine to let them nurture you and perceive your growth. Its ok to not be perfect, Idk why but I feel like you just hate this idea to the extent that you might end up hurting people for admitting you aren't perfect or flawless (what is with this pile's idea of hurting anyone if their perfect ideology is flawed and projecting false narratives on people just to feel that way about themselves, yucks I seriously want to know why do you even imagine or think about doing that to others, and also since I banish all sorts of negative energy from my readings, who the heck threatened/bullied you for having flaws and being imperfect, yuck cause whoever and whatever energy this is in your reading, banish this energy and cleanse yourself.

And I also realized this pile has a tendency of lying to themselves, living in delusional world, to the extent that this energy just fakes their inner core to make to success. Idk why but I feel like there's a lot inner strength inside and you are resilient but things that you think or say about yourself, or the way you describe yourself isn't right, This pile gives massive self esteem issues, I am also getting someone from ghettos or someone who works in red light district or regions, someone from marginalized/ostracized communities. Its as if there's no limit to how much emotional you can get due to external pressure, that you stop thinking properly, burn your stability, stop thinking for yourself just for the sake of getting noticed by others, there's a tendency of gaslighting yourself into thinking that this is something you do for your own sake, when in reality you were conditioned to think that this was for you. Its giving - being threatened or bullied to an extent where you think the wrongs done against were all for your sake, and that it was alright. OMG pile 6, you are in serious need for therapy, ngl this energy is intense. I am hearing Doechi's denial is river's last verse of intense breathing, reminds me of surviving death.

Dear pile 6, please get away from these shackles of ego, and heal yourself, you need and deserve so much loving at this time, don't shut yourself out like a hikikomori. Omg Iam getting Woosung's The day that I died, especially the lyrics -

"Standing in the kitchen light I swear that won't ever leave this room

Honey, I'll be eighty-nine with flowers growing out my eyes Waiting here for you Holding onto hope I'll hold you in another life There's a hole in my chest 'Cause the day that you left Was the day that I died"

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This scares me pile 6, please move on, maybe someone in this pile could have lost their previous lover, grieving or mourning their loss, or just cannot believe the loss of them or an underrated version of them in/through this album or music video. Like there's someone underrated, probably an underrated artist who could have left your side . Idk I just channeled that, like them leaving you for somebody else and then I heard SZA's Kill Bill. I also channeled, "there's a joke that you said on the day that I died" pile 6, I am so sorry, but someone could have ridiculed your love for them

Pile 6, its time to shift this reality, let go of this energy, let him/her go. The inevitable has happened you can't change it. Please find therapy, Idk why I just feel like this is an extremely traumatized pile that is coping with some loss and taking their anger out due to the injustice they felt through Kendrick Lamar songs. Pile 6 you need a bit rest. And stop making fun of your own hopelessness after the truth has been revealed to you, stop making fun of your own efforts to confront the truth/ or the truth itself. I just want you to know, you are doing great. Please be gentle with yourself. Thank you for reading till here. It must be hard, take care. Also please do not nitpick yourself, that's harsh for someone who has gone through so much, let yourself rest.

6.What else can you do to navigate through your love life smoothly?

One of the most valuable lesson that you could have learnt in this life could be navigating through your fear of loss, I am getting loss of materialistic things like the loss of money, loss of pressure, importance of boundaries to lead a stable enough life. First of all I'm seeing that you guys have to develop a balanced mindset in the future about materialistic objects, some of you could have some sentiments attached to those materialistic objects/ I am getting photos, mirror. Maybe you have a fear of losing these items of someone beloved. I just want you to know that their memories, the places they visited with you, the things you learnt from them and the way they shaped you. The exact experience of them, is what you carry with you, today, as of now, at this moment, so no matter wherever they are gone to (for some in heaven) they are still with you. Their essence residing within you, with you, you don't need anything, or anyone physical to experience them again. I am getting someone who switches lover to lover, friend to friend just to live through the experience of their lost lover, trying to find them in different people. Maybe this was something you went through, where a person was trying to find their previous lover through you, maybe you could have adopted that same attitude, or felt unseen by somebody significant in your life, so you hold onto their things to feel them, when in reality, you actually never needed anyone else or anything in life, whatever it was that you needed or had to take from them was always with you and in you, please know and understand that you don't need anybody or anything else to feel them or their love again.

You are not incomplete without them, you are perfectly fine. So stop nitpicking yourself, finding flaws within you, you are not a replacement. If you see nightmares or dreams of lover everyday, I would like you to calm down and understand these are your memories of them not an indication or a sign that you should go after them. (Im seeing the Prince Zuko having fever dreams about the blue dragon and red dragon, Dear pile 6 if you are having suicidal dreams then please don't give up and don't listen to the blue dragon)

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Please watch this video, and for context, Zuko's mother isn't alive anymore, the blue dragon is making Zuko give up his desires and his dreams.

Please seek help pile 6, there's too loss, too much bullying, too much trauma silencing in this pile. Please seek help. Just calm down okay, I understand that you are slipping through these cracks of somebody's changed behavior or complete absence right now, I understand that this must be a lot to go through but just like how sometimes we need to cut off a absent but an alive lover, we need to let go of dead person. Dear pile 6, I have all my sympathies and grieving towards you, for you, but please understand that this isn't the answer. This isn't the end. You got to fight it off, this feeling of wanting give up completely, needs to stop alright. Cause in the end of the day in the end of the day its easy to end our day thinking, our life's over while thinking about a loss so huge, but there's a way to stand up again, by doing it gently, little by little . Let yourself down gently, pile 6. Make peace with life, you are okay, you will be alright, just let it pass okay. Passed on loved ones would also want us to live through life despite the challenges it throws your way. I hope you understand that.

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Now I think for some of you because you were used as a replacement by someone before, you kind of guilty or indebted to pay back the love that is being given to you. I think this mechanism of internal guilt tripping has carried on itself with you even towards the people you end up losing in your life, whether to somebody else or to death, you feel indebted to repay back a love which you couldn't give them every single time you miss, which in some cases make you feel like you are someone insufficient or were never deserving of their love in the first place, (if your lover left you for somebody else) or you start feeling unfulfilled or purposeless for not being able to give back their love to them (if you are mourning over the loss of a deceased lover) I would like you to understand you don't owe anyone anything. In this karmic cycle of life, we are meant to meet certain people for a certain period of time, to experience and learn and don't worry the love you gave hasn't left, its bound to come back to you once again, maybe not in the form of your ex lover but maybe as somebody or something else or through channeling this love into your passions and hobbies, maybe you will find passion, purpose, fulfillment and joy in your life once again, so don't please don't feel indebted due to it. Your purpose was not to give back whatever love everyone poured into, sometimes we are given love to keep it as a keepsake in our heart and in our memory, not to replicate it and give it back like a debt you borrow from bank. Dear pile 6, I don't care who has made you feel that you need every ounce and inch of the love, care and attention that someone gave you while you were in a relationship with them, please know that you weren't obliged to give back nor should you be obliged to give it back. Please communicate this to whoever guilt tripped you into this whether its your own mind playing games with you or somebody else, you were never obliged to do this, so stop colonizing or letting someone colonize LOVE.

Now I feel like many of you struggle to get over past or the notions and ideologies that were handed down to you in your past. You many have a really bad habit of holding onto the perception of other people, especially if viewing yourself through your past affair's or lover's perception was a sport, you would rather cling onto those memories like gold medals and never change yourself, and be the exact kind of person your lover wanted you to be just to experience the everyday hallucination of being touched, loved and embraced by them the way they embraced you. How should I say suppose you two were having affairs despite being committed somewhere else, after their death, all you want to do is, keep cheating your commitments to feel the touch or embrace of that one secret lover, whom you loved the most, that you no more. Not that I am saying you have done any of it. Even if this was the case no shame, given how strategically spirit asked me to place Alessia Cara and Alec Benjamin's song, I feel like some of you could be from LGBTQ-IA+ communities. If you are an Indian Bahujan Samaj Party or Congress could have been significant to you.

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For some of you things were pretty obvious, but the both of you never made the move so it just remain as stagnant as it could get. I think time has come to get over . Leave this stagnancy behind and make a new start.

Instead of leaving signs and signals for a specific someone to pick them up, I think it has come time for you to stop repeating these hallucinating patterns of wanting to propose them this way or that way. This pile gives me Your Lie in April anime, where the guy couldn't propose the girl he liked only to find out she too secretly liked him but never had the courage to tell him so she left her proposal note in her death bed/funeral, saying this as such. Accept that its too late to do all that right now. They might have perceived you in some way, yes and you may have loved them a lot more, but sometimes its better for us to accept the reality to let people go. We can't keep limiting ourselves to their perceptions of us forever to feel their imaginary love through playing the same delusions (that they are still there in our lives and they still love us) in our minds, and feel their absence instead, we can't keep on replaying the same scenarios in our heads to replace their love, when, my dear loves, you gotta accept and agree that they are gone, and their absence can not be replaced by somebody else. Please accept that.

To move ahead you are being asked to accept and embrace change, let change usher in to help you grow out of these old habits so that you can let go, and move on. Embrace change, as you cannot hold onto what's absent. As it will only be harder for us to live with someone or something that will never answer our calls. Don't taint your memories of them with your brain's constant struggles of holding onto them, and their memories, their soul has already made a huge impact in your life journey, you may not know, but you subconscious already has a blueprint of them, you don't need to know them through your memories, your soul already knew them, that's why you met them in this life, so your soul knows them, you don't need to keep those memories, your subconscious has already been shaped by them. And now whatever it is that is limiting you because of the beliefs they gave you needs to be let go of as well. They have done their work, now its time for you to learn, change yourself and drop these limiting beliefs you are subjecting in this life and let go of them to do the growth you were always meant to do on yourself as a human being.

For some of you (who have been cheated on) this person's absence could have left you feeling insufficient, unworthy or labelled for some reason. I want you to understand that this isn't your job to hold onto these perceptions and consider it as true, no matter how loud their voices were, they weren't true, and you don't need to take on all that. Cause none of them were even true. They are just retarded techniques used by abusive people to control you. So don't believe them, they just don't want you to realize your power.

Ask yourself what you like in a partner, what makes you happy, what are some of the most genuine, open and honest communication that you want to have with other people, what kind of people do you want to surround yourself with and what career do you actually want to take or do? If every single day was the last day of your life, how would you live it more presently while enjoying it at each and every moment. Who do you want to live as, the past who's still holding onto those same beliefs that's limiting them or the present that's continuously growing, loving and understand that the love they gave and received had no confines hence its okay to let go of it to live this love just like how the nature of love always is, unending, ever-growing, beautiful, forever LOVE.

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ovaruling · 2 years ago

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@gynoids-over-androids putting under a cut bc i have a lot to say as always lmao

well i should start by saying i’ve never been to any gym or class in my life outside of the ones i did in my own home by myself (Pahla B on youtube for low-impact, most of Jillian Michaels’s filmography so far, Chloe Ting on youtube), so i was really nervous taking it outside of my living room so to speak

esp since i do have a few really odd-to-describe disabilities from my surgery aftermath that i always worried would make me feel like i had to explain everything to an instructor if i ever went to a class so as not to disrupt anyone. my life has been very small bc of those disabilities for about 10 years and i don’t have much interaction with large groups of people so i was also a bit nervous abt that bc i’ve been struggling to find a foothold in society since my last surgery.

that said, i have been working out for a few years, so i’m going in with what i would call a very good level of fitness and endurance already, and my plan was always that—to assure myself that i could build functional fitness at home over time by myself before setting foot in a class bc of my unusual bodily situation (? not sure what else to call it). so i can’t personally speak to if someone is going in from 100% sedentary, but as someone who’s pretty fit and never ever had instructors or community experience w exercise, so far i am loving it.

everyone there is so so nice and accommodating and there’s just no pretentiousness that i can sense at all. most of my fears have been allayed—i haven’t had to explain anything abt my disabilities to anyone and after trying out 2 places i really like the facility i chose. people of all ages and body types and fitness levels (there is an elderly man there who i swear to god looks like if the monopoly man was both shredded and yassified. same wax-styled mustache and everything), moms lifting and snatching massive barbells w their kids chilling in the stroller next to them. extremely casual atmosphere, but also so much control and structure and help.

and i’ve never had access to high quality equipment before, but the learning curve has no pressure on it so far. my very first day, the instructor made sure i was comfortable with everything and answered every single question i had and integrated me step by step into the rest of the class’s workout at my starting level to get familiar with using a barbell. it was really helpful and made me feel like i was part of the flow already.

i had to stop several times to make sure i wasn’t hurting myself (i have widespread nerve damage that means sometimes my lower body just. glitches and shuts down the connection to my brain’s intent and spasms for a bit and doesn’t do what i want it to do, and i lose all feeling so i panic bc i cant gauge where my body is—the litany goes on but basically i have many issues that crop up frequently during prolonged motion) but even when that happened it proved zero problem at all and no one noticed and i collected myself and got back into it and it was fine. modifications can be made for every move, which is something i learned with Pahla B workouts years ago, and applies here just as well, and i am stubborn in that optimism.

i was even feeling myself so much i wanted to try a box jump so i asked the instructor what the proper form was. she had me start by jumping on progressively higher stacked barbell plates just laid on the ground. and then i tried the box and i got it! and a bunch of people congratulated me or complimented my successful efforts and stopped after class to chat and introduce themselves which made it feel more team-like to me.

vibe seems to be: just do what you can, ask for help and guidance if you need it (i’m still new so i don’t know all the lingo or all the form cues yet but no one is looking at you making you feel scrutinized, everyone is just there to do their thing and they’re also super helpful if they walk by), and know that you’ll get better at everything you’re attempting w consistent attempt. which is just my basic philosophy anyway.

and ok yeah i’ve never been to a traditional gym before—well, i have a few times, and just never went back cuz i felt it was too polished for the likes of me lol (where i live is veryyyyy pretentious). the high gloss attitude truly just never appealed to me. works for some, just not me. in my area at least, everyone in traditional gyms are in some kind of coordinated outfit and are on their phones and taking videos and stuff (i really don’t like that aspect—i don’t consent to showing up in someone’s gym tiktok lol). so yeah especially these days, the feeling that there’s an image to be achieved in gyms just makes my skin crawl. and if i’m going to shell out for the price of any kind of gym membership, i’d rather it not be a place i get self-conscious in that i’m gonna be filmed or creeped on or something (my terror of men in gyms is well-founded).

so i opted for crossfit bc i’ve had family members who were sedentary and went and loved it and saw amazing gains. and everyone at the place im at is way too busy to be filming or creeping (so far). and i do def already feel like it’s built for functional improvement toward accomplished strength, not merely an image of strength. like, i played outside constantly as a kid and it reminds me of that feeling lol, not least bc of the open-air-warehouse-unit concept. i think im too scrappy to ever be a traditional gym person, but crossfit is totally my vibe so far. no one cares enough to judge what your deal is, which is prob #1 on my ranking of important qualities for a fitness facility.

and while my level of general fitness is what i would call really good, i’m still a total beginner to crossfit kinds of work, work with equipment at all, and i’ve NEVER done group gym classes. so my nervousness about not being amazing at something immediately (huge impediment in my life generally) was a biggie but has proved to be baseless. crossfit seems to has no time or attention for individual compulsive fears or momentary embarrassments. which i absolutely love.

but to answer your original question TL;DR—i think it’s tougher than anything i’ve ever seen! grizzlier by far if nothing else—definitely no frills (it’s refreshing to see no makeup yet!). everyone seems to be of a same kind of no-nonsense grit—dunno how to describe it. what i’m observing the experienced crossfitters doing looks wicked hard, but it’s still very accommodating for all levels of fitness to hone. as in, it looks like some of the hardest shit i’ve ever seen anyone do, but that’s what i will be working toward at my own pace, and it’s exciting.

one of the moms i mentioned earlier was snatching thee heaviest barbell weight in the entire class, even more than the men (i checked), like it was nothing and then she went checked on her baby in between like it was all nbd. i was like god damn girl that is so metal. where else are you gonna see that

so. that’s just my first impressions so far! i signed up for 10 classes to see how it goes so i will report back :)

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unproduciblesmackdown · 2 years ago

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occurring to me spinning off of other ppl talking abt similar things like, oh right, i guess my always like repeatedly going over / coming back around on the same thing phrased slightly different (like perhaps offering up similar words / phrases in a row between slashes lol) could be a behavior as someone who, being autistic, is generally misunderstood / misinterpreted when i say something, so trying to express something every which way and also sort of "translating" it into an alternate phrasing even as i'm saying it as an effort to increase the chances of someone parsing what i actually mean, or god forbid their realizing that they might be misinterpreting or missing something and seek out clarification (unfortunately either way i have not solved ableism and the double empathy problem. go figure)

like i've definitely consciously gone over a point repeatedly b/c i'm not sure someone's listening even though they're giving verbal affirmative responses. and then afterwards anyways it's evident that, in effect, i may as well have not said anything at all

and when it comes to talking specifically i sure can do a lot of it, and quickly, and it's like, well on the one hand i might like to talk, In Theory, for all the eternal lack of and/or limited opportunities to like, actually talk, socially, b/c i want to, with people i want to talk with. wherein some of it is sometimes obviously like "yeah i haven't gotten to express myself verbally For Real in fifty centuries so there's a ton of it happening now" but wherein it's also like, that so often even in more ordinary "practical" exchanges it's like, you have 5 seconds to respond & anything beyond that will be ignored, but oh also what you're saying in the 5 seconds might be ignored / so misinterpreted you may as well not have said anything, when there's not just the double empathy matter but that people are only saying something At you and there's maybe like one or two exact ways for you to respond "correctly" and that's all that would be parsed. lot of [the conversation "moves on"] or [you're the person who just so happens to "tend" to be interrupted / talked over] or [people are focused on something else and will be wandering away in twenty seconds] so like, anything you have to say has to be said Now. and also that when i communicate spontaneously, even comfortably, i gotta keep up with it or i might lose whatever train of thought or forget whatever thing i was about to say a moment ago. while on the other hand i can also Select / Edit what i'm going to say but that kind of communication might take "too long" for [no time delay] exchanges, so, and/or be deemed Weirdly phrased anyways. and if i'm trying to convey a concept/idea to someone else through the medium of language and that means expressing it a dozen different ways all in a row? all the more reason to need to talk 500 mph to even try to fit it in with the three seconds i probably don't actually have.

thinking of that like, the idea of Performance / Acting seeming more natural like oh right, the organic experience of effectively masking / trying to do things "correctly"/"normally" in a bunch of different situations w/different people being like, of course that could feel like acting, you're not even simply cutting & pasting the same role or mode into things every time you mask, b/c it's about taking the cues from the specific people in whatever specific situations, despite the idea allistic ppl have that they follow Rules and have their certain Skills that serve them well across the communicating / socializing board and that's why ppl don't ignore/exclude/reject/ostracise/punish/etc them like they do autistic people, when really the only constant factor they're operating with that serves them across the board is [being allistic]. also the affinity for linguistics when you've Already had cause to look at language as a system and one you can work with and be creative with, while also analyzing for patterns in usage and formation and like, the external examples of how it's evolved and analyze and question how people have interpreted what some language has been used to convey, like, especially interested in translation in that way, wherein there's that truth of like, generally it's not one to one equivalents b/w languages and literal "no one else could possible translate it otherwise" options every time, and there's Always effort and flexibility in translating something more closely to what's being said and to how Your translation would be interpreted by a third party, and that in translating the same language in different ways, different translations might prioritize trying to more accurately translate different elements vs another translation's effort, to say nothing of how deliberate omissions or effective mistranslations can be made to edit whatever concepts and that could be "invisible" to people who can't translate directly themselves. sure not that far from what it feels like just engaging w/nt people verbally. autistic people being """pedantic""" when noting potential ambiguity / alternate interpretations of something, weird for enjoying wordplay or choosing Unusual words to use in their own verbal communication....linguistics. the theatrical experience of like, you mean being around people as friends isn't "supposed" to feel like a tense matter of Trying to Act Right that you can only fuck up and even if you succeed you're just locked into that exact tense performance going forward?

but also of course, linguistics / language / translation is fun and engaging to me and i've always been interested in words and i am beyond some idea that it'll make me more successfully understood by allistic ppl or something. theatre has always been so fun to me that i didn't even realize i loved it / had that strong interest for the longest time b/c i just kind of figured everyone would feel that way (i never really felt that affinity or even theoretical interest towards like, acting in film though, which i suppose is the more "normal" version of acting, and if i was just experiencing The Default anyways, surely i would've. also there's no default ofc) and whether i could Only have some like, lively theatricality as this automatic way i am, it sure happens v naturally / spontaneously, like i'd have a very hard time not using my hands to illustrate everything / kind of interact w/my own thoughts spatially in real time, or making Big Expressions lol, probably don't have that big affect otherwise, sometimes when i'm like masking and do an "oh haha :)" stock response to someone and i'm not facing them it's like, my expression Is very unchanged from :I in that moment. cue every last thing that's like, easily this super mundane understandable reality for disabled people that's some horror media's "creative" cue like my god this person is too Inhuman of course they're going to kill me....just an elevated version of affirming how "normal" people already disdainfully feel abt Others(tm) irl??? horror could never :0 lmfao....as ever that i don't mind the genre in theory based on [scary on purpose] but that i dislike & disrespect so many tendencies & specific examples i really may as well say i dislike it. i don't come up w/ideas much but thinking like, horror short where you're just minding your own business, everyone else also acting "normal," but at any time inexplicably ppl suddenly lash out at you w/open aggression before everyone's quickly right back to "normal" & you're just supposed to continue??? like, that's [so someone's abusive], that's [so you're autistic]. wild how that overlaps (it's not)

also footnote abt how i even remembered the other day though that like, it's never felt right using [drawing] to do anything autobiographical or even to try drawing myself. obviously i wouldn't say the [me] in my very specific niche gay fanart of a "so true so verisimilitudinous" autistic fave over & over is very elusive or fathoms below the surface, even when transformative ideas & canon are not at all simply all like "wow exactly me," but that feels like less of a Conscious Translation than like, a diary comic or something like that would be, or god forbid the like pensive short essay through comic / illustration. that feels like translation as Masking, basically, like the process would feel artificial and like only an effort to make something more appealing and more inaccurate anyways. and like, the other way i talk about myself or convey the ideas i want to convey is just by talking or writing casually, just like so. and i also just think it's obvious like, Immediate Appeal is for the theoretical idea that oh ppl can just mask their way to Normalcy or choose to act right & be (almost) as good as Normal anyways, lol. that i don't want to do anything that feels like yet more Unilateral Effort to communicate and by trying to adopt whoever else's terms. like ofc being myself looks more like [do you like 1000 drawings of an extremely niche interest?] or [do you tolerate reading Short Essays in these bursts of verbal expression?] or perhaps not communicating b/c in practice it's generally punishing and it's like, when also people generally dislike / don't connect to you it's back at them b/c what else would it be, nothing's actually been unilateral the entire gd time

oh also being funny / using comedy deliberately as a more successful way to communicate is definitely a whole thing i'm onto too, but that could have its own paragraphs on paragraphs and it's already half past three while i mean to do something else, so. but it's also similar to everything else re language, theatricality, lol

#honorary menchie:#winston billions

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