#mazzy makes a giant ramble

[m0tel6mxzzy]

rue bennett, ginny miller, and lack of nuanced perception in how mental illness in black women works

i think the tragedy of euphoria (if i had to list just one) is partially the fandom’s lack of understanding of rue, leslie, and gia…cultural attitudes in the black community have a lot to do w why leslie acts the way she does. and then race is never mentioned bc sam levinson doesn’t comprehend the nuances of race and mental health in the black community.

he can comprehend addiction, but nothing like the fact rue being a black woman will have her heavily stigmatized by the black community as well as the predominantly white one she lives in as her “proving black stereotypes.”

he can comprehend addiction, but nothing like the fact rue being a black woman will have her heavily stigmatized by the black community as well as the predominantly white one she lives in as her “proving black stereotypes.”

that just hits a lot harder knowing in the beginning of s1, she has zero hope and so it feels very hollow when lexi encourages her sobriety, and again in s2 from jules when she’s going thru withdrawals. she is tired of being the scapegoat by everyone around her, even if they have valid reasons for wanting her to get clean and she is making decisions that harm others. and she feels during the s2 interaction with cassie that she is being pitied, simply cannot take it anymore, and retaliates bc she is just so tired of everyone around her being believed to be innocent and pure when they are not, and her being expected to be even in the throes of addiction and it being perceived as “not her.”

bc in a sense, rue is not her addiction. however, she’s lived with it so long that she is used to it, practically revels in the deviant label her entire schools mocks her with, and thus feels like she cannot leave. jules conflicts with this, because she cares for rue as a friend and romantically but is not going to associate with her if she continues. but even when she is sober, people like nate are shit talking her efforts to stay clean when they simply have no idea what she’s gone through, yet jules is proud of her despite rue finding it hard to stay clean. cassie only does the same as nate because she needs a defense for having gotten with him but not taking accountability for how that hurt maddy, even if she was right rue’s friendship with lexi was incredibly toxic and transactional. the issue here is everyone has valid points abt rue except for nate, but no one is seeing the nuances of her situation. it’s either “she’s good because she’s clean” or “she’s bad because she’s not” and jules seemed to be the only one blurring that line because she’s dealt with addiction in her family before.

leslie kind of reminds me of my mom in that she did help me thru mental issues, but it was a very “deviant” thing to do bc of how in most of black american society, racism is seen as something you need to be “stronger” than and thus stronger than any other obstacle. so realistically, some black ppl in rue’s extended family might actually ridicule her or attribute her addiction to personal flaws or solely her father’s death. rue is an atheist, but also her mother was this religious church girl in her youth and rue is seen in church settings during rehab. there’s a possibility leslie didn’t even tell others abt rue’s hospitalizations or if she did and word got around, she had to fabricate some sort of lie so rue would not be judged for her addiction.

and ppl perceive leslie as “overreacting” as they do gia and that’s very suspicious to me. idk like, as compared to ginny and georgia ginny has severe depression and georgia is like, praised for a lot of the manipulative shit she says to ginny when that’s a huge contribution to her mental issues not being resolved for as long as they were in the first place. i personally think a lot of the g&g fandom missed the point of the show—georgia is not perfect. loving your kids does not mean they don’t get to feel traumatized when you admit to murdering their step father. generational trauma is a thing and you cannot love someone into not acknowledging or feeling their extent of their own.

ginny and georgia somewhat makes that distinction in the therapy sessions by explaining bc georgia is white there is a lot of experiences she cant understand ginny has, so she cant just invalidate them. however the fandom is so corny and anti black that they will compare ginny’s trauma to georgia’s to undermine her. and then praise georgia for doing what she should’ve done as a parent which is support ginny and complain how ginny should be “more grateful to have her.” and say the same abt her father. that truly just paints an insidious lack of compassion for black women dealing w/ mental health issues. bc abby and marcus, dealing with their own, have quite never been given such animosity for having mental issues, they’ve actually been given much more sympathy.

[m0tel6mxzzy]

mixed thoughts on black female rage

i understand the want for “feminine rage” to be inclusive to black women and then i remember the only black actresses some ppl know are angela bassett taraj p henson and zendaya, but also a lot of those white “feminine rage” female characters were never meant to be liked or sympathized w in their awful actions. taraj p henson in hidden figures is supposed to be bc she’s dealing w racism in a segregated time.

dre from swarm is the only character i can think of where she’s allowed to be hurt and angry but that doesn’t justify her committing serial murder. she’s the only character to the extent of say (90s film) lisa rowe or whatever where mental illness does not excuse her incredibly harmful behavior and there isn’t some barrier where there is an attempt to excuse her actions to make her “palatable.”

ginny from ginny and georgia expresses her anger and upset at her upbringing stemming from hidden depression, but again this isn’t palatable enough for fans of georgia who thinks she’s a golden egg who can do no wrong, so once again we’re rather limited in what’s considered “female rage.” it has to be palatable and excusable and stemming from trauma—racial or otherwise, and cannot impose on well liked white female main characters who may equally make rash decisions based on emotion that harm others.

ginny can be angry because hell yeah we’re progressive and love female rage, but it can’t be at how georgia refuses to communicate as a parent and keeps secrets that impose on her ability to have a normal school experience. ginny should be also marcus’s therapist for his depression and be able to notice something he has hidden, but ppl have called ginny spoiled for opening up to her father abt her own when she was struggling because she “doesn’t appear grateful enough.”

rue was also not supposed to sympathized w for her abusive behavior toward gia and jules in 2x05, but to justify her anger at feeling betrayed from the intervention, many ppl will minimize gia and jules as characters and act like their concern for her and feeling of hurt and fear is unfounded which goes against their whole idea “women need to be free to feel negative emotions.”

but then that goes down to the idea that for black women to fully express negative emotions, the people hurt in the process of feeling ours fully in a less than docile manner (even if they’re also women in minority groups equally under-represented in “female rage”) don’t matter. that we have zero responsibility for our actions and thus no agency over them when angry.

that rue is not at all responsible for her actions and who it affects if it means she gets to express being upset. which makes zero sense to me. but also, if it’s not for a reason we feel we want to identify w (ex: ginny being depressed from her mother forcing her to constantly move) suddenly they’re ungrateful, being a brat, and spoiled. because ppl can’t identify as closely w/ gia or jules who’ve dealt w/ the fear and betrayal in having a loved ones exposed to addiction, this is the exact terminology used to minimize the emotional and physical harm rue causes them when she’s incredibly violent and/or cruel with them during her withdrawals.

it can be equally true “rue lied to her loved ones because she was sick and that doesn’t excuse insulting and screaming at them to deflect from her actions” and “rue felt isolated bc her entire life she’s been seen as this poster child for sobriety she feels she can’t fulfill and is too much pressure, and not one is listening to her, making her feel all the more forced to hide her issues except from ppl who are familiar w drugs and understand why she’d turn to them” such as fezco or elliot.

which is much more complex of a way to analyze rue as a character than “because rue has mental illness, she suddenly has zero agency over her actions and can harm people however she wants and it’s by no means an active choice she’s choosing to make.” or just saying ginny is ungrateful and georgia is a perfect parent who’s done nothing wrong in raising ginny ever.

[m0tel6mxzzy]

i hate “dark psychology” tiktok NO!!! as a psych major, psychology can be such a beautiful resource for basic coping and time management as well as study skills. u don’t need elaborate terms to manipulate people to make it sound cute, you clearly wanna do it anyway so you don’t need to come off smart to justify it. knowing what love bombing is is useless if you understand why it’s bad but continue to do it for your own pleasure at the expense of others.

what’s “fun” for you could scar someone else for life and effectively make them anxious around others over your behavior bc they’re now fearful of the threat of your behavior from other people. if you have to do xyz animal mermaid siren triangle eye trick for someone to “like” you, you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship atm because you don’t yet know tools for open communication which is vital for one to survive. you have to communicate your feelings for one to work, not do whatever you want and expect the person you like to be a mind reader when you put zero work into communication to foster trust and honesty. not everyone is going to see you look at them and do ur makeup a certain way and think “they like me, i should reciprocate.” you have to do the vulnerable thing and accept the possibility of rejection. not avoid it at the expense of yourself and others. that’s human life.

psychology is supposed to be understanding of human thought and behavior so you can help others, not make their lives worse. and if u get off on hurting other ppl enough to brag abt it w/ a guide that’s literally a sign you lack self awareness and could benefit from the coping tools in psychology more than anyone else

[m0tel6mxzzy]

random ramble about making friends in my 20s

tldr: if u find urself picking out friends for aesthetic reasons aka just to not be seen alone, don’t do that. not everyone who makes you look less alone makes you feel less lonely

i notice in a lot of “aesthetic” friend groups there can be an issue of egging each other on to become more pessimistic and unhealthy in friendships bc all that matters is how having your friends around you makes you look. to the point where parts of your personality change to fit in with your friend group until it hits extremes and everything falls apart.

i’ve mostly had this happen in friend groups where a lot of time went into crafting a certain persona they to an extent identified with bc they all had insta and snap. laid back and easy going, but pride themselves on being stoic and unemotional, so having healthy communication with them is hell. if you ever try to effortfully communicate, ur seen as overdramatic, as if you’ve lost an argument.

i’ve been in friends groups where i noticed i was changing entire parts of myself to please other people rather than feeling accepted and wondering why i felt so incomplete. usually this manifested in me being made fun of and constantly being the butt of someone’s jokes because i was seen as shy and reserved.

[m0tel6mxzzy]

i feel like a lot of ppl think they’re level headed when really at the sign of any sort of boundary being set, they just get dismissive of others and on top of that subconsciously believe reacting with less emotion means they’ve “won” an argument then wonder why any sort of conflict they’re in becomes confrontational. a lot of “emotional” people actually do a lot better with communication because they take time to process what they feel and articulate in a healthy way to set boundaries with others.

there’s nothing wrong w either detaching from a situation until you’re able to calm down and process it, or taking time to think about what you feel and share it. but the idea that ppl’s feelings toward ur actions don’t matter bc it’s an inconv to you then expecting them to appease yours in response is so entitled. that is still cause for confrontation even if you aren’t saying so.

if it’s a common occurrence that whenever someone says “hey what you did kind of hurt me, i know that wasn’t your intention but this makes me feel x y and z could we come to some sort of compromise” and your response is belittling their emotions and saying they should feel more like you, you really need to consider why someone explaining their feelings even in the most basic sense drives you to diminish them and act superior to them.

that’s not healthy behavior and not feeling the same way as another person doesn’t mean their feelings are less important. if ppl are constantly explaining how they feel toward u out of defense, maybe it’s bc u act in a way that accuses them of being over dramatic and defensive and that’s why all your attempts at “avoiding confrontation” don’t work

[m0tel6mxzzy]

🎀: i’ll be leaving my blog for a little bit. i’m not deactivating, just deleting the app for a little while (a few months, likely coming back when my semester ends or the new one starts in december/janunary) bc i’ve been through a lot the past few weeks and i have to prioritize my mental health and all. i don’t think it feels healthy if this is supposed to be a “safe” place for me but rn that doesn’t really translate to real life and i’m kinda tired of feeling positive when i’m not??? in general all this flowery shit on my blog which was initially just creative and fun when i feel anything but that atm. when i feel better ill come back. to all my mutuals and others who interact w me ilysm thank u for a wonderful last 2yrs <3

[m0tel6mxzzy]

is anyone else non religious but grew up in a religious household so u literally just keep all the cross necklaces/other religious objects you’ve been given? i think the reason i’m not open abt being a “spiritual” believer is bc ppl have such strict views for how ppl should believe in god they impose onto others so i feel very hesitant to give beliefs that are any more abstract abt an already abstract concept???? it tends to be atheists who are most tolerant of my religious beliefs.

like, idk in my personal opinion u don’t have to have read the bible to be a “better” christian believer it’s just a good guide if you want to teach others. i notice the ppl preaching christianity in a hateful manner to justify their hatred toward minorities tend to be the least “love thy neighbor” and thus the most hypocritical. i met a gay pastor on my campus and really he’s quite literally the only religious authority who made me consider going back to my faith in a religious sense bc for once i was being given a more open and loving view of christianity. didn’t tell me “you need to believe this or you’re going to hell,” but “god loves you whether you believe in him or not and that should be a form of security, not an obligation to conform or a threat to change how you feel.”

but ultimately what matters most is how you treat people, life is too short to close yourself away from others bc they don’t love how you want them to and spread hatred under the guise of claiming what you believe involved love. believe in whatever makes you happy as long as you don’t shame others for not feeling the same or make them feel less than.

[m0tel6mxzzy]

femcels vs being a woman who is single

ngl i think there’s a difference between “femcels” and being a woman who just genuinely knows based on past experience it is in your best interest not to be in a relationship atm, but also feeling bad you’re single and referring to yourself as some sort of group label to cope. and there is nothing wrong w being single. esp if you have been in a toxic relationship before, and now start to value who you are as an individual w/o that person. there are benefits to being single bc you don’t want to rush into relationships, make the same mistakes as in a previous one, or just prefer spending time by yourself.

and when i say femcel i genuinely mean the unhealthy parts that link itself to incels despite the stark contrasts—the thing is femcels are usually attracted to ppl providing them toxic or unstable romantic relationships because they have this want to be wanted, and may or may not be aware that this is self destructive to do to yourself, and that you are much better off learning slowly how to cope with being single and that a relationship is not worth it if there’s an unhealthy power dynamic and/or your partner does not respect you.

i’m not talking abt the ones who use the term “femcel” unironically bc they’re making jokes abt being single (it’s often socially unacceptable for women to be) i mean the ones who share patterns of miscommunication in relationships and defining their entire life based on who they date/want to date and responding negatively to having to process their emotions, often blunting them, and seriously consider themselves “femcels.”

and it is so hard to leave a toxic relationship if you are convinced you cannot leave because “no one will love you like they do,” whether the person you’re dating plants it in your head or the relationship is so codependent that you genuinely feel that way. or if it is a crush where despite not at all communicating your feelings for this person, you are doing everything to dress and act in a way to get them to like you romantically when the only way to know is telling them how you feel and facing possible rejection. especially if they themselves know the relationship risks their professional integrity (ex: that crush is a professor/boss/co-worker.)

but you have to remember that you were an individual before this person and will be after. and the common theme here is often refusing to process your emotions and finding distractions from them consistently (a relationship can be one of the most all-consuming forms of that) when at some point you do need to acknowledge that feeling what you feel is not a bad thing, nor does it make you an immoral or shameful person. but you do have to try to take control of how you treat yourself. are you being kind to yourself? letting yourself feel what you’re feeling without demonizing yourself for it?

and incels tend to be sexist toward women and self defeatist, femcels are self defeatist and take their fear of rejection and vulnerability in relationships out on themselves. and that’s kinda why i don’t think femcel = female incel, incels have it in their heads women are inferior gold diggers when that’s mostly just a product of their own insecurity that attacks women instead of the system at large making it so they feel inferior for not being able to afford those flashy things they align with social status.

femcels are usually women with mental issues affecting their relationships who do not know how to cope w that, and a lot bc of society planting it in their heads that they need to be in a relationship to be worthy of value (ppl treat u differently when you’re dating someone.) it’s predominantly based on how society treats “deviant” women too—mental illness is seen as making you “glamorously” sad, which may make you feel better than being outright stigmatized for having it, however you’re still being treated like on object that does not exist over have very much agency outside of how others perceive you.

in a culture where you are called “weak” and “over sensitive” for expressing how you feel, it does make sense to try to shut your emotions out, especially at any sign of rejection or a relationship being something you need to leave. but you need to listen to how you are feeling and not shame yourself for that to begin the process of valuing yourself as an individual and know your thoughts and feelings do matter and you are worthy of boundaries and saying “no” to situations that drag you down mentally.

[m0tel6mxzzy]

i don’t think i’m ready to let go of the fact in 4 months im literally gonna be 20 like i will NOT be a teenager anymore ik 20 is still young im by no means afraid of losing my youth when im still so young and there’s not much of it to lose but also i feel like i just started accepting not being in a hurry to grow up so it’s like wow when i was 13-15 i wanted to be 18-21 bc of how “adult” it was and im slowly starting to realize it’s not all that different from when i was 16-17 besides school levels and planned reasoning slightly more developed like…idk i feel like i was finally accepting being a teenager the moment im closest to no longer being a teenager u feel me????? yeah you do ❤️

[m0tel6mxzzy]

hollywood acting like they are so revolutionary for shitty biopics acting like they’re shedding a “light” on late female celebs who were exploited from the start of their career until death is laughable. they are legit just doing the same thing the media did, just making hour long mascots of them for money and think doing it in the name of “art” washes away the ethics of it. if you call it “art,” suddenly it’s ok ur speculating on marilyn monroe’s birthing complications or turning pam and t*mmy into this rid or die relationship like he wasn’t a fucking trash abuser.

also like…the black community has been doing biopics for years, and accuracy was at least key. one example was the tina turner biopic—which i feel was not needed despite how strong and competent i felt the acting and writing was, bc there was no need to make a late woman relive her abuse when she’s not here to comment her say. don’t even get my started on that aaliyah lifetime one that romanticized her relationship w/ r kelly.

i disagree with biopics as a whole bc it feels like a creepy way to exploit the death of a celeb and reenact theatrics of. then when called out for basically profiting off a dead person without consent, you can pretentiously say “it’s for art.”

especially when it’s done in some heavily expensive “artsy” way that glamorizes a live human being and their experiences instead of just…seeing them as a person. that’s the least creative thing i can think of but most lazy.

especially now that the standard is so low that you have cheap shit like blonde and whatever mess sam taylor johnson is pulling and amy winehouse’s father is endorsing because he knows stj won’t reveal shit abt him enabling his daughter for the sake of tour. the disgusting shit people will do to those who aren’t even alive to defend themselves for money

[m0tel6mxzzy]

a ramble antiblackness and nepotism babies

so i’ve been trying to articulate why the nepo baby topic feels so hollow to me. i think many celebs who are “self made” talking abt how all nepo babies are privileged and whatever forget race intersects class and doesn’t disappear no matter how much money u have bc racism is a state of mind affecting how u stereotype and treat all poc.

ppl were being colorist and comparing beyoncé and kylie jenner’s kids a few years ago. like, it’s mostly white models from what i see talking abt how privileged lily rose depp is (and i feel she is deserving of criticism but not stuff making personal comments abt her height like there’s anything wrong or inherently undesirable w being a woman who’s not tall) but it’s also a fact that these models kinda benefit from eurocentrism and are less likely to experience racism in the industry they are in, let alone comparisons to ppl of their race solely based on their race by supposed professionals on fashion. anok yai articulated best in my opinion seeing as she’s dealt both racism as well as this having to “play rich” when she wasn’t and has to acknowledge both.

race doesn’t magically disappear w money and those little girls for their black features. celebs models who also happen to be conventionally attractive white women can hate on lily rose for being 5’2 but the issue seems more to do w her height than any exclusion in the industry they’re in when they directly bring it up. which they also benefit from this exclusion especially since there’s so many stories of black models being stereotyped and mistaken for each other or compared despite being highly successful. for every nepo baby there’s probs a bunch of self made black models dealing w both having to start from the ground up too AND antiblackness on top of that, which i don’t think many of these models are aware of. everyone in a sense is more privileged or less so than someone else. including self made models who may have grown up lower income but eventually became rich.

[m0tel6mxzzy]

i hate when u can tell a cartoon was made by ppl who don’t respect animation as an art medium but want to bank of the nostalgia of successful cartoons by crapping on the very audience they’re trying to attract…like bro the diversity of velma isn’t the issue it’s the fact based solely on the writing alone the creators were looking for a cash grab and like to shit on adults who like cartoons but wanted adults as the fanbase.

i personally believe the show was poorly written and could’ve been done so much better if it clearly wasn’t 90% abt the money. what’s a shame here is how ppl w the money to make animation don’t even respect it as an art form. it bugs me how animation is seen as useless but at one point they were comics or books translated on screen in a way live action sometimes cannot do justice. live action is sometimes soulless when it mimics animation, it is not inherently more “grown up” than animation especially when animation is just as complicated in its own right.

the writers seemed afraid of criticism for the show not being liked and thought the answer was insinuating adults can’t like animation??? why make an animated show then if u clearly don’t want to and would rather make a cgi disney film that doesn’t understand sometimes animation doesn’t translate well to live action?

[m0tel6mxzzy]

i see why ppl desire to be nepo babies

ngl it seems like nepo baby models enjoy their lives. i don’t want to be a nepo baby model i just want the proximity to happiness and comfortable living money creates—but some long hour high paying job affecting my health would revoke that happiness. i know having money does not magically make mental health issues disappear but so much of mental health care is expensive and money is like 99% of the stress in the world. it would be so nice to just take pictures in expensive clothes knowing i never have to worry abt money or needing to go to college and get a job so i can be perceived as a “valuable” asset to society. how everything in this world making you worthy of respect is based on how much money you make and how you do it. i think abt all those rich tiktok kids who could just afford to quit college and i’m jealous of them bc everything i’ve been taught to want in a job has been abt extending myself to the fullest for someone else’s profit and it feels like u literally cannot escape it unless u submit to it

[m0tel6mxzzy]

when i was six, i had this little life size barbie doll that sat on a little chair in my room. i would wear these little princess gowns and plastic shoes my mom either got from a dollar store or walmart and watch sleeping beauty on dvd and always cry during those scenes where aurora was bc i loved her so much. i think the reason im so attached to when i was younger was because at least when i was six i had no expectations, but from ages 12-18 i was carrying all this hurt on my shoulders and stewing in it. at 20 im trying to be kinder to those versions of myself the way i would to six year old me. one thing my best friend always tells me is “be compassionate with yourself” and im very glad she’s taught me that 20 year old me is also a child for every other year ive been alive that also needs to be told “take break, play with your dolls, be you, be human”

[m0tel6mxzzy]

she’s so amazing. she lets me blab abt vivienne westwood and alexander mcqueen and the reasons between w he didn’t like some of her design choices but also the beauty of both their work and the vw bridal collection and my fave mcqueen shows and how they were inspired by his scottish heritage. she remembers that my dream is to own a tiny pink house with a heart shaped sink and closet full of vivienne westwood clothing. that nana is my fave manga and she likes to see my collages. how she started watching ever after high bc she wanted to watch something that made me happy. that is a thousand times worth the money of the ldr red btd vinyl she got my as an xmas gift tht i also deeply appreciate. and yet she gives and gives a love and friendship that knows no bounds. i love her bc she listens and cares and has such a genuine heart. its very rare to find someone you consider family youve only known for a short time but ive struck gold with her. its beautiful to be treated with the kindness you deserve so you can share it with others. i will never forget that type of love and humanity as long as i live. she is a part of the version of me that believes theres hope and light in darkness. i can only hope to spread that to other ppl the way she does she truly is my best friend 🩵

my best friend doesn’t have tumblr but i’d like u all to know she’s the kindest person you could ever meet. she makes you feel welcome and important the moment she meets you. i’m lucky to have her. she doesn’t know it but by simply being a radiant presence in my life she saves it every single day

[m0tel6mxzzy]

actually that era of mental health recovery where u think of mitski and fiona apple and aren’t like “omg sad girl music” but see mature grown women who’s since reflected on past experiences and have processed them and that trying to make an attempt to feel what you are feeling instead of repressing it and pretending everything is fine is much more beneficial to u. and that such self reflection as they have made is also possible for u and u do not do be deeply suffering to make beautiful art.