#the doctors telling me I just need to lose weight can suck it I know there’s something deeper going on

[nixerium]

Ah yes, gotta love the recent hit game of “can I shower or will that take most of my energy”

Especially since it’s a trick question anyways

[blackstarregulus79]

I'm going to ramble/character study about Rogue and the Doctor because I have brain-rot now...

btw nothing negative about their relationship in here, I love them.

It all traces back (in my head) to the 12th doctor (I could go back further but In an effort to keep this as short as possible I will not) when he has that last night with River. This is the last big loss the doctor feels because he knows he can't save her because she died before he even knew her. This left the doctor with a lot of feeling he never learned what to do with, and all of his companions after that never had a loss like this so how could he tell them and get any reaction other then 'yeah that sucks' none of them had been through that.

But Bill reminded 12 how to be happy and young and joyful which in my mind led to him being more forgiving of Missy and learning to trust her again but he thought in the end that she betrayed him leaving him another emotional scar.

That leads him to 13 who is so scared of loosing her companions and feeling that hurt again and that betrayal that she doesn't talk to any of them. She is too worried about opening up and sharing that side of her that she would rather hide everything then feel that pain.

But her and Yaz begin to fall into that trope of 'I want to love you, I just don't know how to any more' which breaks 13s hearts. So when she regenerates she is so tired of losing, hiding, and hurting so much that she regenerates into her old face trying to make her next self stop and take a fucking break.

That is when we get 14 who reigns he bond with Donna (one of his heaviest losses) and he starts to contemplate stopping and resting for one second but the guilt he feels towards everything he's done and how he feels that he owes it to his past companions to keep going.

Then his soul rips in half, and he can do both.

(I know this had been said before but stay with me)

And because of this 15 can express and feel what he is feeling (that is why he has been crying so much this season, because he is finally letting himself). But his companion, no shame on her or anything, can't really do anything but listen because she has never travel the universe with someone grow to care about them more then anything just for them to be gone.

And having a shoulder to cry on is nice and everything but sometimes it is nice to know other people have felt pain and loss like this, and to be told you are not alone. Make you feel like you are not crazy.

Then he meets Rogue. A man who has traveled with and lost someone, who can feel the weight of it, who is also somehow trying to figure out how to live with lose even though it is so fucking difficult. And the doctor gets told about how Rogue lost someone and he tells Rogue how he lost everyone. This is one of (if not the first) in a very long time who can says 'I have been through that to I know exactly how you feel'.

And even though the Master travels the universe they do it alone, they don't feel the lose of a companion like the doctor does.

And that is why they move so fast with each other, even getting engaged the first day they met, because they don't know when they are going to lose again. Their scared and want someone they can relate to.

And Rogue knows the pain and doesn't want the doctor to feel it again so he takes Ruby's place on the trap. But the doctor feels the pain anyways because he could see the potential with Rogue, and sometimes when you are that close to something you wanted it hurts just as bad.

SO WE NEED TO BRING ROGUE BACK SO THE DOCTOR HAS SOMEONE HE CAN RELATE TO, TO TALK TO!!!!! 15 JUST NEEDS SOMEONE TO HEAL WITH NOT FOR!!!!

Anyways thanks for listening to my ramble. I know the doctor could relate to Jack about this kind of thing but I think they have way too much history for the doctor to open up to him.

Here's my Spotify playlist for them if anyone wants it:

[forcedtogrow]

Addressing Pre-T, Pre-transition Anons

I’m getting quite a few asks from pre-T guys about how much you can change your body pre-T, what exercises to do, how to fix body fat redistribution etc. and it has gotten to be a little too much so im making a blanket post regarding this topic. This post is MY VIEWS AND LIMITS. I am not trying to bully anyone, this is a kink blog for fun and I am not a teacher/doctor/counselor/therapist or parent. I am a fun big brother lmao.

1. There’s only so much you can change your body pre-T, and it’s totally dependent on your genetics and dedication to lifting/gaining muscle. Some guys are lucky and can easily pass without T by just working out, I wasn’t one of them but I’ve seen a handful of guys that did that before T. Even then, some of those guys needed T to get rid of an hourglass/pear shape.

2. You can’t spot lose body fat in hips/thighs/ass. You’d need to lose body fat everywhere, but pre-T your body is most likely to hold onto lower body fat because biology wants those fat reserves to make babies. It’s gross and dysphoria inducing but it’s true.

3. It’s worth it to work out pre-T, especially lifting, to create a solid base to work from. If you already have that you’ll grow so fast on T it’ll feel like magic. I won’t lie that it’s frustrating and awful, because I’ve been there and it feels like spinning the pedals on a bike without moving, but it does pay off.

4. Stay balanced with your diet and don’t force yourself into a crazy calorie deficit. It might not be the time to bulk if you feel like your body is reserving most energy as fat (could be your genetics or activity level), but maintaining a baseline that’s Not underweight is a good start.

5. I’m not in a place to tell you to bulk or cut, especially if I don’t know your height/weight/age/activity level. I am not a doctor or dietician and can only say what works for me and people I know.

6. Don’t just focus on one part of the body, do a full push/pull/legs routine at the very least. Like this: https://www.aston.ac.uk/sport/news/tips/fitness-exercise/push-pull-legs or this for a 6 day split: https://www.muscleandstrength.com/workouts/6-day-powerbuilding-split-meal-plan

You need to build full body strength, and more leg muscle can actually masculinize your body and make your hips more boxy.

7. If you can’t transition medically/socially for whatever reason your main focus should be getting out of that situation. This is going to sound harsh but I know many trans people who risked a lot, some trans femme friends that literally risked their lives, and you have to decide what’s important to you. I’m being real because you will only regret waiting—there is no replacement for transition, there is no joy like transition, there is no pain great enough to negate the many many benefits of transition.

I don’t want to get messages like “what if it’s illegal where I live!” That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s sucks, but you either transition or you don’t, and if you don’t that’s up to you, but I cannot assist with that decision. I gave up a lot to transition and waited several years to start hrt for reasons too personal to disclose. I ruined relationships with family among other things, so please do NOT ask me for advice on this because I will not be coddling/sweet. Being a man is hard and messy and a sacrifice.

8. I will tell you what I eat and give general advice of bulking/eating but I will not make a meal plan for you. Every body has different needs that only you and a dietitian can work through, I’m not a licensed professional and don’t want anyone to take what I eat as the only way to eat.

9. If you cannot transition because you are a minor stay off my blog. Sorry!!

[mingiswow]

Boyfriend | Ahn Hyejin

Pairing: Hwasa x fem!reader

Words: ~ 4.1k

Genre: smut, mutual pinning, friends to strangers to lovers, a little angst

Content Warning: smut, mentions of alcohol and food consumption, hwasa and reader are both stupid, ridiculous amount of pet names

Smut warning: unprotected sex (stds exist kiddos), oral, fingering, finger sucking, scissoring, multiple orgasms, Hwasa first time with another woman

⚠ MINORS DNI

⚠ English is not my native language, so pardon me if there are any mistakes. And you can always tell me what’s wrong.

a/n: thx so much anon for the request and sorry it took me forever to write. I was inspired by one of my favorite songs from last year so I hope you enjoy it <3

It was painful. It truly was. Everytime you were around each other and you could do nothing but look at her. Admire her. To feel that painful sting of jealousy that you were so used to by now. Every Time her velvety and soothing voice spoke the words that you didn’t want to hear.

Pathetic. That was the word that could better describe you and Hwasa's relationship with each other. Not because the relationship itself was pathetic but because you were clearly head over heels for each other. Everyone knew that. Everyone saw. But you. You had your questions once in a while but soon were put in the back of the last drawer of your brain and forgotten. Because how could she like you back? How would a woman like Hyejin like someone like you? She was truly a Greek goddess walking among the mere fool mortals.

Not only that, she never gave any reason for you to think she liked you. Or women to be honest. She always told you and her other friends the difficulties of finding herself a decent boyfriend, a decent man. She always complained about the dates she’d go with these insufferable men in hopes to find something. “Not love, because that’s too deep for some of them” is what she would say.

And that was exactly what she was talking about. Her last date with this apparently nice looking guy who was a vet doctor and seemed to treat her nicely. Just the thought of Hyejin enjoying a date that was not with you made you anxious. Made you bite the inside of your cheek so much that you could feel the metallic taste in the tip of your tongue.

While she gushed about how he was such a gentleman, her eyes twinkling with a new found crush, you left the room to go to the kitchen to grab more alcohol. You needed to intoxicate your brain and forget about those stupid one sided feelings. Even more so now that she seemed to be interested in this guy.

A deep breath left your mouth, a stupid trial to exhale all the pent up frustration and jealousy.

“How long will you be holding a grudge against your feelings?” The voice scared you but you knew it was Yongsun, the only one you thought it knew about your silly crush.

You had no answer. As always. She was always right when it came to yours and Hwasa’s feelings but you’d never admit that to her. So you just shrugged.

“Yn… you’ll lose her if you keep hiding behind this facade of a good friend”

“First of all, it’s not a facade, I am a good friend that just happens to have feelings for her. And second, I can’t lose something I never had” your voice lowered towards the end of the sentence. You never had her. And never will. It was chosen already. “I have to forget her, Sun, I do. Before it’s too late” the can in your hand was finally opened and you took a big gulp of the bitter drink.

“And how do you plan to do that?” Your friend asked, taking the beer from your hand and drinking it too.

“I think…” you sighed, the weight of the decision, heavy on your shoulders, “I’ll take some time apart from her. It’ll be better for me if I don’t see her, especially now that she’s going out with this Seongyong dude”

“Yn…”

“I know it’s not the best and mature idea, I am aware. It’s just… it’s the best for me. If I don’t see her then I won’t feel things” the older one sighed, she knew she had no true power over your decision, you’ve made up your mind.

“Ok, I don’t agree but I respect your decision” she took a few steps to leave the kitchen but turned around “just don’t after me when this didn’t work because I’ll be the bitch to say I’ve told you” and with that she left the kitchen.

After the party you started avoiding Hyejin and the rest of your friends, finding excuses to never go to the parties and gatherings. You even missed Hyejin’s birthday party, something that hasn't happened for the past at least 5 years. But it was for the best. You saw the pictures of the party and your heart shrunk and broke into tiny pieces when you saw her having fun with her now boyfriend.

Did staying away from her helped? Not at all. You kept stalking her social media. Entering her account everyday to see what she had posted. Watching her stories on Instagram. You were just torturing yourself at that point. But that was another thing you’d never admit to yourself.

It was a warm summer night, the city seemed even more alive than ever. And you could hear the movement from your apartment. It made you feel sad that you were alone at your apartment again.

You were about to prepare to go to bed and watch some movie before sleeping when the doorbell rang.

She was the last person you expected to see behind that door when you opened.

“H-Hyejin? What… Are you okay?” You asked when you saw how drunk she looked. Her cheeks red, eyes semi closed, mouth slightly opened and her heels on her hands.

“No, I’m not” she answered, words wobbly with alcohol as she entered your house without even asking. Not that she needed to anyways.

You could smell the alcohol starting to evaporate from her sweat, the scent being borderline nauseating.

“How much have you drunk?” You asked, going after her. She threw herself on your couch.

“Why do you care?” The words were thrown at you like knives. And you deserved it.

“I always care”

“If you really cared you wouldn’t disappear from my life” she lifted her body, trembling a bit but managing to stand on her feet. “If you really cared you’d go to my birthday party, you’d cherish me and our friends, you wouldn’t just lie to us” she kept hitting your chest with the point of her index finger. She only did that when she was drunk and wanted to make a point.

You sighed and closed your eyes. You couldn’t deny any of those words. She was right. Absolutely right.

“I do care and that’s exactly why I stopped seeing you. Because I care too much” she crossed her arms like she was a mad little kid. “I cared too much to see you all being happy while I was in misery watching you”

“That’s bullshit! Since when are you in misery?” Her voice started to get louder. The alcohol getting the best of her usually controlled demeanor. “Your life is great, you have you dream job, you have your own apartment, you have friends, since when t-“

“I don’t have you”

“If course you have me, I’m your friend”

“I hate that word! I don’t want to be your friend, Hyejin, I want more!” You screamed, tears pricking your eyes. That’s not how you wanted to say these things. God! You didn’t even want to say these things. “Fuck! I… did you know how fucking painful was to hear you gush about your boyfriend with the girls when I was there? Listening and just wishing to be him. To be the one you gushed about? Did you know how painful it was to me to be in love with one of my best friends for years and have to see you suffer from all the jerks and I couldn’t do anything because I was just your friend? How mind and soul eating was the thought that I could be the predatory queer friend if I ever approached you because you don’t like girls and I never wanted to step over your boundaries?” Hyejin was in shock. That was the best word to describe the way she was.

Her arms were limp beside her body, eyes watching you with no expression besides surprise, no words leaving her mouth. You would be surprised if she wasn’t breathing as well.

You waited for an answer but she just closed her eyes and fell on the couch again, sleeping. You sighed. She was too drunk to even keep herself awake. She wasn’t even going to remember this conversation by the next day. Which you assumed was the best for the both of you.

You grabbed her bridal style and took her to your bed, putting her to sleep there while you slept on the couch. If it happened from her to remember anything you said, you didn’t want her to be uncomfortable by your side on the bed.

Laying on the couch, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath while trying to soothe your aching heart and racing mind.

You didn’t even know how or when you fell asleep. But you woke up with Hyejin’s velvety voice calling you. At the beginning you thought it was a dream but when you opened your eyes you saw her squatting by your side, hand on your shoulder and a shy smile on her face. She managed to look the prettiest she ever looked to you.

“Sorry to wake you up”

“It’s everything okay?” You asked while sitting on the couch to talk to her.

“We need to talk” you nodded and she sat by your side. You waited for her to say something. Hyejin took a deep breath in and turned to look at you. “I’m sorry” it took you a while to respond, not really knowing what to say.

“It’s alright, it’s not like I haven’t dealt with you drunk before” you gave a little chuckle but she shook her head.

“It’s… it’s not about that. I’m sorry that I made you suffer” she looked at the ground, picking the little loose skins on the fingers.

“It’s not your fault, Jinnie, I didn’t say anything either. It’s not like you should know” you grabbed her chin to make her look at you. “Besides, I never wanted to ruin our friendship, you are too important for me”

“What if I want you to ruin it?” You watched her, a little bit shocked by her statement.

“What?”

“What what?”

“What do you mean? I’m… I am a little lost here” Hyejin gave her little giggle that you loved so much and moved a few centimeters closer to you.

To say your heart became a thousand marching bands in your chest was being very nice because your heart was about to come out of your throat and jump into her own.

Her hands grabbed yours and brought them to her chest, right in the middle, feeling her thumping heart.

“I never told you anything either because it took me a while to realize that what I felt for you was more than friendship. Sorry I had to make you feel like that to make me pay attention to my own feelings” you nodded. “I thought that was because I enjoyed your friendship, your attention on me. I guess I always knew you liked me… I just… never accepted myself”

“I know how it feels” you said and smiled. You took your hand out of her chest and held her face, feeling her give in to the touch and slightly lean her face into your hands. “Please tell me this is not a dream” you whispered, more to yourself than anything else but she heard.

Hwasa smiled and closed the distance between your faces and kissed your lips. It was simple, just a longer peck but it was enough to make the sleeping butterflies in your stomach wake up.

“Does that answer your question?” The woman smirked, almost as she was playing with you. Which wasn’t a lie.

“Not yet, I think I need more evidence” you entered her little game and this time was your turn to kiss her.

Opposite of her, you didn’t go for the peck. No. You went for the kiss. The real one. Both of your hands held her face in place as you leaned forward to touch her lips with yours, your body slightly towering her, making her feel the warmth coming from you. She felt safe, welcomed, and, more than anything, she felt… excited.

You’ve been dreaming about this kiss for the past years of your life, you had to take your chance if she ever felt like giving up. But Hyejin was far too gone to give up, your lips felt like heaven to her. The way you knew exactly how to kiss her, how she liked, how she deserved. She could feel all your love and feelings boiling in that little touch of lips.

It didn’t take long for you to feel confident enough to open your mouth more and invade her mouth with your tongue. Which she gladly welcomed, a sigh mixed with a low moan leaving her mouth as you did. One of your hands went to her waist, grabbing the skin between your fingers, making sure she was not going to run away, while the other held the back of her neck, pulling her head closer towards your own. Her hands, that were holding your arms, put themselves on top of your thighs, caressing them on top of your sweatpants.

Everything was getting more intense, getting more heated. Both of you could feel it. And all you hoped was that she wasn’t going to stop you because the heat in between your legs was getting annoying.

Your body started to move on top of her, leaning down and taking hers to lay down on the sofa with you. The kiss never breaking, only intensifying from the pent up need from both of you.

“Yn…” Hyejin moaned your name in the middle of the kiss and you could die happily right then and there. The way your name sounded painful coming from her mouth as if the air she needed to say was being pulled from her lungs. “Please” her voice, usually strong, velvety and deep, was whiny, above a whisper. You lowered your kisses from her mouth to her neck, kissing, sucking and biting the soft skin there. “More, please… I… more” you smiled on her skin, enjoying the effect you had on her. The wait was worth it.

“What is it, Princess? I need you to be more specific to me” you kept your assault on her neck and you could see by your rear view that her legs rubbed together.

“I need more, yn… I… I don’t know… I-I just need something. Touch me please” in a blow of confidence she grabbed one of your hands and put it between her legs and you feel the fabric of her panties under her skirt already starting to get damp.

“Fuck” you whispered feeling the wetness as you slid your fingers up and she left a low moan. “You’re going to be the death of me”

“Just please fuck me before you die” she said without thinking much of her words, making you chuckle and her to blush.

You left your position on top of her, earning a whine, before grabbing her bridal style to take her back to your bed.

“Honey, if I’m going to fuck I’m fucking you right” you said before laying her back on the bed.

You pulled her skirt and underwear down, lower half naked. Hyejin, the woman of your dreams was half naked on your bed, pussy dripping wet waiting for you to fuck her like she deserved. Without losing any more time, you snaked in between her legs, putting them on top of your shoulders as you got face to face with her glistening pussy.

You looked at her face one more time to ask for her consent but you didn’t even have to do it because she was nodding eagerly before grabbing you by your hair and pulling you to shove your head on her pussy.

Her smell was divine, her wetness welcoming your mouth like her own welcomed before during the kiss. Your tongue licked a long fat stripe from her hole to her clit, earning the most obscene moan you’ve even imagined coming from her, which made you even more eager. She tasted as sweet as you imagined in your most perverted dreams. She tasted, smelled perfection. She was perfection.

Your licks and sucks were being distributed equally on her clit to her hole. You used the tip of your tongue to write your and her name on her clit, her legs trying to close on your head as she kept rubbing her pussy on your face, not being able to keep quiet. It was too much. She never felt anything like that. Was it because it was you? Was it because you were good? Or was it because nobody ever ate her like she deserved? Maybe all the answers were right. All she knew was that you were devouring her like you were starving and she was enjoying every single second of it.

You were slowly edging her, playing with her clit until the knot in her stomach started to tighten until you left the nub to go tongue-fuck her hole, your skilled muscle entering her as deep as it could, the sour taste of her wetness being welcomed on your tongue as you felt like tou were using drugs. You were completely high by her, by her taste, her smell, her body. Everything. You were becoming addicted to the vice grip she held your hair, burning your scalp, but you couldn’t care less.

You kept going with your mouth from clit to vagina until she was coming on your tongue, a trembling mess on your shoulders, sweet moans of your name leaving her lips as you kept licking and sucking her clit until she rode her orgasm. When she was getting back to her senses and thinking it was over, you pushed your middle finger inside her. Her tight warm wall welcoming your digit.

“Yn… fuck… please… I’m so sensitive” she whined, trying to close her legs again but stopped her.

“Oh, baby, I know. But we just started” she widened her eyes looking at you. “I know these men never fucked you right, but I’m here to make up for you, ok? Just don’t think too much. Relax and let me take care of you” she nodded, biting her lower lip in anticipation.

You left your position in between her legs and took your finger from inside of her just to take the rest of her clothes off so she was fully naked. Beads of sweat adorning her soft and tan skin, eyes dark with pleasure, chest rising up and down with the action. She never looked so pretty. You wished you could take a picture of this moment to keep forever.

You kissed her lips again, making her taste herself in your tongue, which she gladly did. If it was anyone else she’d think it was gross, but it was you. And she learned rather quickly that you could do anything with and to her that she’d thank you.

While you were kissing she entered two fingers inside of her cunt, a moan getting trapped inside of your mouth as you swallowed it. Your hand started to move, slowly at first, making her feel used to the intrusion but soon she was asking for more. Begging. You went faster, wrist snapping fast and hard, fingers curling and opening inside of her hole, finding the soft spongy spot inside, making her eyes roll back and back arch up. She was getting closer again and you could tell. Walls hugging your digits.

Your other hand went to her mouth, prodding the tip of the index and middle fingers on her lips. Hyejin understood the movement and opened her mouth, taking both fingers in her mouth and sucking them, hands holding your forearm as she sucked your fingers like her life depended on it.

“Such a good girl, you like having something on your mouth, don’t you?” She nodded, moaning around your fingers and her walls squeezed your other ones. You smirked at that but decided that you probably would have other opportunities to mess with her. “Can you cum for me again, baby?” She nodded eagerly. “Then come again. Wet my fingers like you did with my face” she moaned against your fingers again and you increased the speed of your fingers on her pussy.

It didn’t take much for her to come undone again on your fingers, juices leaving her pussy as she almost screamed around the fingers on her mouth. Her legs trembled even more this time and you could see she was getting too sensitive. But you needed to release as well. You knew this was her first experience with another woman so you decided not to overwhelm her and make her go down on you. Besides, you hoped you’d have chances to teach her how to do it.

You help her ride her orgasm before leaving the bed to stand up and take your own clothes off. Something inside of you suddenly got shy to be naked in front of her but as soon as you saw the way she drank your naked form, you left all the shyness behind and got on top of her again.

You kissed her lips again, her hands going to squeeze the soft skin of your ass as she kissed you more eagerly than before. It was wet and messy, all tongue and teeth. You noticed how she started to rub her core on the thigh it was inside her legs, searching for friction.

“Two orgasms and you’re still rutting against my thigh?” She got shy and blushed, eyes looking at you like a puppy. “Tell me, baby. What do you need? You want to cum again?” She nodded and squeezed your ass again, making you giggle at her attitude. “It’s your lucky day because I can make you cum as many times as you want” you lowered yourself to whisper on her ear “that’s the perks of dating women, we can last longer than any men could ever imagine and make you cum until you ask for me to stop” Hyejin left a little moan leave her lips as she imagined fucking you until she couldn’t walk.

You grabbed her body, laying her even more on the bed and opened her legs. You put yourself in between her legs, making your pussies touch each other. She moaned with just the feeling of your hot wet pussy in contact with hers, head thrown back. You chuckled and started to move, genitals rubbing together. The friction making you moan as well. You were not such a big fan of scissoring but somehow it felt so good with her. The way your juices were mixing with each other made the movements comfortable and enjoyable. Once in a while your clits would touch each other, earning loud moans from both of you.

Hyejin started to move herself, making your pussies touch even more and rub each other like a vice. Her long nails squeezing the skin of your thighs making you moan in a delicious pain mixed with pleasure. And it didn’t took long for her to cum again, clit rubbing against you even faster to ride the high. You came soon after her, your juices mixed dripping down your skin.

You left your place on the bed to grab a wet cloth so you could clean her sweaty and sticky body, taking special care with her sensitive area. After cleaning her you went to clean yourself and grab a cup of water for her.

Hwasa drank the water in a swig making you chuckle at her thirstiness.

“What are you laughing at? That’s all your fault?” She sassed at you. You feigned offense, putting your hand on your chest and opening your mouth

theatrically.

“My fault? You were the one who asked for it, remember?” She blushed and turned her back to you. You giggled at her. “But today was just a taste of what you can get”

“A taste? Can you go beyond?” She glared at you, eyes widened with the thought of you being able to go for even longer.

“Oh honey, you have no idea what I can do” you smirked at her, grabbing her chin between your fingers and softly kissing her lips. “But I can go slow with you, there are a lot of things for me to show and teach you” she smiled and nodded, giving you another kiss.

“And I can’t wait for you to teach me” she cuddled your waist and you couldn’t take the stupid smile out of your face.

She was going to be yours from then on.

Masterlist | Requests and feedback

[veryace-ficrecs]

Percy jackson fic recs

This list will include all ratings and tags, so read at your own discretion! :)

In a Field of Dandelions by mrthology - Rated T

"You okay there?" she asked once she was closer, smiling in what she hoped was a welcoming manner. The man smiled back, still looking a bit confused. Nicky's breath caught in her chest when he met her eyes. His gaze was a little too vivid, his bone structure a little too perfect. He seemed a little too much more than human. Part of her wanted to run, while another part wanted to follow him to the ends of the earth and beyond. "I think so," he replied, breaking the spell. "Just trying to figure out day one, I suppose. I'm Percy!" ----- Percy and Annabeth's eldest child starts school. Percy inadvertently causes a bit of a stir, and Annabeth isn't jealous, not at all.

good does not equal Goode by vani_em - Rated G

One thing was clear: Percy Jackson was not Goode High School material.

The Overwhelming Specter of Your Mothers Book Club by 60sec400 - Not Rated

Martha Blofis stared at her son in shock. “What do you mean,” she said slowly, “that you’re married?” Her son fidgeted nervously. First, he ran a hand through his peppered hair, and then his eyes flickered down and away. Then he lifted them again and smiled meekly at her. “Paul,” she said, “I need you to tell me what in gods name you were thinking.” “Her name is Sally Jackson?” Paul said, his voice lifting as he weren’t quite sure what the name of his wife was. AKA Paul tells his mother he hasn't seen in four years that he's married. Really, the only thing she can think about is what she's going to tell her boook club.

Good Enough for Someone by bouquetofwhoopsiedaisies - Rated T

Paul was quiet for a minute on the other side of the bathroom door. Percy expected him to walk away, but he didn’t. “Percy?” There was something in his voice that Percy couldn’t identify. Something like concern, mixed with something like fear… something that let Percy know he had truly and royally fucked up. He felt hyper-aware of every sound, from the dripping of the facet to the shifting weight of the person outside the door, his mind spinning as he tried to map Paul’s position like he was in battle. He heard the tiny, barely perceivable sound of fingertips brushing the doorknob, and it made him want to throw himself out the window and flee to the fire escape. Especially at Paul’s next words: “Can I open the door?” Percy bit his already-split lip, not even caring at the pain the action brought. He stared up at the fluorescent light above him. He scrubbed at his eyes, ignoring the dull flare of pain from the bruise there. He didn’t realize he was crying until the salt stung his wounds. “Percy?” Paul called his name again. “Yeah,” Percy sucked in a deep breath, even as a broken rib made his chest feel tight. “I… I guess I could use some help."

Stars on the Water by liketolaugh - Rated T

"I dunno, I just think it would make a lot of things easier for a lot of people," Percy said to Thalia, when she just stared at him. His cheek rested in his hand, a rare pensive look leaving his eyes distant and unfocused. "Mom has Paul now, so it’ll be easier on her if she doesn’t have to worry about me mucking things up. Dad won’t have to keep threatening war every time Zeus gets his toga twisted. The prophecy’s done, so I won’t be bringing it down on Nico. And no one will have to worry about me blowing up another volcano."

Oh Sugar Sugar by mrthology - Rated T

After the Titan War Percy starts feeling under the weather - he’s always tired, losing weight he doesn't have to lose, is constantly freezing, and just generally feeling lousy. But he’s kidnapped by Hera before he can see a doctor like his mom wants. Then there’s the Quest to Alaska, sailing to the Ancient Lands, falling into Tartarus, fighting the Giants in Athens, fighting Gaea herself… Needless to say, he had too much on his mind to notice a few annoying symptoms that can mostly be ignored. It turns out Type-1 Diabetes can be incredibly dangerous, especially when you don’t know you have it in the first place. Now three chapters, and featuring a much needed Percy and Nico heart to heart.

Red Ink Checkmarks by liketolaugh - Rated T

Paul joins their family a year and a half after Smelly Gabe leaves it. Percy, to his own irritation, is still sensitive about a lot of things at that point.

he ain't heavy, he's my brother by mrthology - Rated G

Percy doesn’t get migraines very often, thank the Gods, but when he does they tend to knock him on his ass for days, regardless of drugs, ocean water, sleep, ambrosia, or anything else he’d tried. He just had to wait (suffer) it out. It was just his luck that his first migraine in literally years would hit when he was visiting his father in Atlantis for the first time after the war with Gaea. And instead of waking up with one and being able to hide in his rooms, he’d have to collapse in public, right after talking to his half brother Triton. If it didn’t hurt so damn much he’d be embarrassed.

To Sir, With Love by writergirl8 - Rated T

"Here's how the game works: Because I'm one of the lucky teachers that gets to have you from seventh grade to twelfth grade, I get to watch all you grow up. When I toss this ball in your direction, I want you to say your name, your favorite color, and what you hope to accomplish in the next six years of your life."

We Hitch an Awesome Ride by ariadnes_string - Rated G

Percy and his friends get a lift from some guys who might know as much about monsters as they do.

Five Times Percy Jackson Cheated At School by lammermoorian - Rated T

...And One Time Someone Cheated Him The story of how Percy chooses a major, gets a family, and accidentally becomes a superstar in the world of classical studies. Turns out, being able to read ancient Greek and instinctively knowing how to sail every ship ever invented is actually pretty useful in some fields.

percy jackson and the scrutiny of his coworkers by pqrker - Rated G

Jim turned back to the tank and looked at Marcie the seal, who was now staring at the spot his coworker had been standing just moments before with that same strange look of reverence in her eyes. Percy Jackson truly was the oddest person Jim Elpool had ever worked with. or 5 times percy's coworkers were confounded by his fish magic, plus 1 time they try to figure it out

The Boyfriend by Roselightfairy - Rated G

The cliche: Annabeth's private-school friend finds out that Annabeth has a boyfriend. The twist: This mortal already knows Percy Jackson, from long ago.

Not So Shore by bananannabeth - Rated G

Percy Jackson just transferred to AHS on a swimming scholarship, and Olivia is convinced that there's something weird about him. In order to get to the bottom of it, she decides to befriend him and his girlfriend, Annabeth, and drags her best friend Kelly along for the ride.

Gratuity At Twenty Percent by inkncoffee - Rated T

Amphitrite was no fool and she wouldn't be played for one. Not even by the lord of the sea himself. When Poseidon starts disappearing at night, Amphitrite investigates. She's not entirely sure if what she finds is better or worse than what she expected.

Deprivation by inkncoffee - Rated G

"Percy are you drunk?" Poseidon asked with a frown Or in which Percy hasn't slept in 72 hours and is surviving solely on Red Bull and blue M&Ms when Poseidon comes calling. Which is probably important, but Percy's brain stopped working twenty hours and seven Red Bulls ago so.

I hear babies cry by Eat0crow - Rated T

Percy's not adjusting well after the war. No matter what he tries, Camp Half-Blood just feels wrong. So, he decides to take off. Nico goes along for the ride.

Big Black Jelly Beans by Darkanny - Not Rated

Percy glared at him, pouting. He looked back at his dog as she chased after a bee. She was kinda bigger, he had to admit, but that didn’t mean anything, right? Granted, he didn’t really know where she went to most of the time, what with her shadow-travelling all the time. But when she was around he was very careful on feeding her healthy stuff…or the healthiest part of what was left on his plate anyway. She was not fat.

"the illegal stash of candy I'd been selling out of my dorm room" by r1ptides - Rated G

“all I could think of was that the teachers must've found the illegal stash of candy I'd been selling out of my dorm room”

the jackson files by Ideasofmarch - Not Rated

Summary

Makin’ pancakes @makinbaconpancakes Does anyone know who the fuck Percy Jackson is??? Oranges are spicy @ronaldmcd Whomst? Makin’ pancakes @makinbaconpancakes Check rachel dares insta story Oranges are spicy @ronaldmcd k Oranges are spicy @ronaldmcd Okay somebody find out who this kid is right damn now. - Rachel Elizabeth Dare posts a video of Percy on her instagram story. it all just spirals from there.

family tree by r1ptides - Rated G

it's a goode tradition for freshmen to make a family tree for english class. percy struggles.

Please insert your (sand) dollar here by Sugarplume02 - Rated G

Percy just wants to pay for his Chips Ahoy with the sea dollar he got from his dad. Too bad it doesn't fit in vending machines.

The guy in line behind him just wants to pay for his Cheez-its.

The Problem With Field Trips by HopeLions13 - Rated T

Percy just knows things are going to go wrong when his eighth grade class takes a field trip to a dude ranch. They always do. OR How Percy got expelled from MS-54.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

I'm so tired. I feel like my whole life I've been fighting to have a healthy relationship with food and my body, and I just can't do it anymore. I can't fight anymore. And it's so, so easy in comparison to restrict and obsess over tracking everything I eat

I'm dealing with symptoms of a currently unknown disability right now, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of doctors saying "wow, I have no idea what's going on, I've never seen labs like this... but I'm sure losing weight will help!" (Or, worse, "looks like everything's fine, just lose some weight!") It's become this belief that if I was skinny my symptoms would be taken seriously. If I was skinny I'd be able to figure out what was going wrong because doctors wouldn't rely on my weight to explain everything. I know logically there are lots of disabled people who are still ignored while being skinny, who still struggle to be taken seriously, but I can't shake this feeling that everything would be easier if I was skinny

It feels like my life is in the hands of people who don't give a shit about me. And they still probably wouldn't give a shit if I was skinny, but maybe they would. I don't know, I've never been skinny, so I can imagine that everything would be perfect if I was

It's definitely at least partially a desire to have control over my body, too. I can't stop my symptoms, I don't have the tools to figure out what's wrong on my own, but I can starve myself! It seems very silly written out, and it is, but knowing it's silly isn't enough

I saw in your about that you've dealt with comorbid chronic illness and eating disorders, so I guess I'm asking... how? That's probably already on your blog somewhere, actually, so I guess I'm just venting more than anything. Advice would be appreciated, though

God, I feel this so hard, anon. So so hard.

First of all, I am so sorry I have taken so long to get to this ask. Work, ny studies, and my personal life have all been overwhelming lately and I’ve been having to focus on some wellness work for myself.

But yeah. What you’re talking about is a REAL problem, and you are not alone. And the constant medical neglect of fat people and the “I’m sure all your mystery symptoms will go away if you just lose weight” is just the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is chronic illness. It hurts peoples’ lives. It can kill. I don’t have a quick fix for this system, anon, but I just wanted to take a moment to validate you because I know that what you’re going through is so frustrating and draining and soul-sucking. I am mentally sending you strength.

First of all, I might have one suggestion for you: lie. Lie to your medical professionals about just one thing, and no other: tell them you are already on a weight-loss journey, even if you are not. If it gets you the help you need in this system - yeah, fib a little. But then, explain to your doctors that the reason you are seeking treatment for your symptoms so proactively is that they are preventing you from doing what you need to do to lose weight. Yes, of course you really want treatment to improve your basic quality of life, but when you’re talking to your doctor, sometimes you gotta frame it in a way they’ll hear. Explain how each symptom has made you unable to pursue an active lifestyle. Or how you’ve been too fatigued to meal prep, or how your symptoms are costing you so much that you are struggling to budget for dietary changes. You don’t have to actually be planning any of these things, but if it gets them to continue pursuing the source of your symptoms, just lie. I know it’s so triggering and awful to have to do this just to get taken seriously, so set aside time to prioritize something that you find self-caring after this.)

I know you say your desire to control your body seems silly written out, but it’s not silly at all. I get it. I really really do because I have the same impulse. When your body keeps acting out of your control in painful ways, it’ll make you desperate. And when you’ve had the message pushed your whole life that being skinny fixes everything, it tends to stick in your mind. You are not alone. You are desperate and being driven by a valid impulse.

Instead of pursuing an eating disorder, remind yourself that eating disorders only give you the illusion of control. Eating disorders only pave the way for the disorder to get more control over you. Not to mention, starving yourself will likely take even more of a toll on your health, doing lasting damage if you lose a significant amount of weight from starving. You are allowed to love yourself more than that. I know it’s hard. I know it’s hard to keep fighting for yourself.

Are you in any chronic illness support groups, online or in person? If you aren’t, I suggest you find some. You may find a good outlet to vent about symptoms, get advice on what got doctors to take other people seriously, and learn more about your own symptoms.

While I don’t recommend starving yourself, you could try tracking your symptoms in relation to certain foods and see if specific food sensitivities worsened them (this was true for me.) For me personally, it helps to remind myself that these foods aren’t “bad” foods - they’re just not good FOR ME, and choosing the ones that make me feel better is a way of taking care of and loving my body. (If you find your symptoms do not change based on dietary experimentation, you can disregard this advice.) For me, it can be really triggering having to avoid certain foods, so I definitely have to take a pause to calm down and talk myself through it sometimes.

Things like meditation exercises, gentle yoga, de-stressing exercises and therapy will not cure your chronic health condition, but may help keep symptoms from spiking as badly because stress is known to exacerbate physical symptoms. (Easier said than done, I know - what you’re going through is stressful. I am not telling you not to feel stressed, just to try and create small pockets of time where you try to give yourself a break from stress, which may not come naturally and may be hard because you cannot go to a place of escaping your symptoms. Just keep trying patiently and be compassionate with yourself.)

Anon, I really really hope this gives you some sort of help and comfort, even though it’s not a cure-all and I did get to it so late. There’s more I could say based on knowing specific symptoms if you’re okay sharing them, but for now I’ll just leave it at this. Feel free to vent in my inbox any time.

[gloomyclauds]

Sooo... I’m sick. I think it’s just a cold. Either way, I’m pissed that I always seem to get sick when I actually get time for myself 🥲 But I can't help but wonder if my dizziness has to do with something else entirely.

tw:anxiety // tw:eatingdisorder

I started a new medication, the day before I started feeling sick, and I’m hoping some of my symptoms don’t have to do with that. But I’m honestly freaking out a bit.

To sum up, ever since the pandemic, my acne has been really bad. And even though it’s over now, I still wear a mask everyday at work, which makes my skin horrible. I finally managed to get an appointment with a dermatologist and I was diagnosed with adult acne, and I have to take medication which has a lot of side effects. But what’s stressing me out the most is the fact that it can lower my blood pressure, and apparently (after reading the info paper) it can make me lose weight. I’ve struggled to gain weight all my life. It only improved after I was diagnosed with anxiety and started taking medication. Literally after a two weeks of doing the treatment, I gained 10kg, by eating what I normally would. So the thought that something could potentially make me lose that weight is freaking me out, and I wish the doctor would’ve mentioned it, as I am still very skinny. I weight the minimum for my height, and after years of trying, I can’t get past it, but at least I'm healthy. And I don’t want to lose what I managed to achieve and maintain all these years.

I always feel weird talking about it, because most people don’t even believe me when I tell them I struggle to gain weight. They think I simply don’t eat, and that it’s impossible for anxiety to cause this, even if I've been diagnosed and treated by a doctor. They don’t even believe me when I tell them I only used to weight 41kg, but I did. After turning 14 I stopped growing and gaining weight. This is something that has haunted me my entire life, and I’m finally happy with my body. I never want to hear comments about how skinny and sickly I look while at work, from family, or while going out, from people I don’t even know. I was diagnosed at 18, maybe 19, and I'm now 28. For years I didn't have to worry about my weight, until I read that stupid info paper.

Maybe I’m freaking out for no reason, it’s something that can happen, but that doesn’t mean it will. It's easy to be paranoid when so many of the side effects are the same ones you'd feel from a cold. But it sucks if my only option for treatment is to either be very skinny or have horrible skin. I can’t win. I can’t even get another appointment right now as I work a night shift, and during the mornings I have to take care is my mother.

I don’t even know if that trigger warning is the right one for this kind of topic, I haven't been diagnosed with an ED, but as I talk about weight and weight loss, I just thought I'd be safe. And don’t worry, for now this could all be a cold and I just need to rest and stop worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. But talking about it helps 🙂 I’m also sorry this is super long, I just wanted to let you know what's up, since I've said I was going to start posting again soon.

[oneshotnewbie]

A small blurb about Amanda and Olivia where she is afraid because you got hurt and Amanda tells her that Olivia is in love with you because of how she reacts? A really smal blurb if you want, I know writer block sucks hard but maybe it can help you get back on track if you try yourself out on something small?

---

"Sometimes it scares me." Olivia said to herself, looking down at her bloody hands that rested nervously on her knees. Her whole body trembled with worry and tears welled up in her eyes as she tried to scrape your blood from underneath her fingernails- she couldn´t bear the sight of it.

Time passed between her and reality. What had happened hours ago seemed like a few seconds in which your petite body fell to the ground, your otherwise white turtleneck sweater turned red quickly and she sank down with her knees on the blood soaked earth next to you.

She held onto you like you were the only lifeline she had left. Full of adrenaline, she pulled your lifeless upper body into her arms and tried to shake you awake harshly, but none of that worked; your eyes stayed closed.

Olivia felt as if the pictures of this accident turned into a vicious insect that ate through her eyes and stabbed her brain with it´s venom. The toxin seemed to paralyze her physically in that chair but was pushing her mentally too the brink as an unspeakable nausea broke out in her and she had to swallow thickly.

The brunette shattered under the weight of the unknown of your well-being and was crushed by the shadow of panicky fear that hung over her. Her concern grew by the hour as various doctors ran past her but no one came to give her the information she so desperately needed.

"What do you mean by that?" Amanda asked in a soft voice to try to calm down her best friend. It hurt her heart to see the usually strong Olivia Benson like this; so full of fear, concern and worry.

"What I would be willing to do for her." She leaned forward as if she had a stomach cramp, when in truth it was just an unconscious reaction from her body that was too weak to get up but too restless to remain seated. "It´s terrifying." she spoke, as she finally found her voice again, even if there was nothing confident or hopeful in it anymore.

She knew that she would never be able to forgive herself if you died like this. An actually simple undercover mission that had gone terribly wrong and she was the one who made unnecessary mistakes and didn´t offer enough protection for you.

"That´s love, Liv."

The captain of what was possibly the strongest unit in the NYPD, exhaled heavily as the words of the blonde burned into her brain, the vein on her temple throbbing at the same time as her jaw clenched. Amanda was right and she hadn´t been able to accept it until this point.

Olivia was relieved and silently thanked her for helping, even as she deeply blamed herself for being so weak and helpless at the moment. She just wasn´t able to deal with the fear of losing the possible love of her life. She was unbeatable when it came to work-related matters, but when it came to people important to her, she usually didn´t know how to deal with unforeseen events.

Too much had already happened in her life for that.

[adhderall]

I HATE PCOS ""CARE"" I HATE HOW PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IT. ITS ALL ABOUT ~FERTILITY~ AND "OMG UR HAIRY THATS A PROBLEM BC IT MAKES U UGLY"

I DONT CARE ABOUT FERTILITY OR HAIR OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT

I want solutions for my lethargy and inability to lose weight and etc.

I don't mind the virilization stuff (allegedly doesn't happen to most w pcos so I guess I may be some sort of exception bc not only did I grow facial hair but I also barely developed breasts/hips and passed as an androgynous male in my teens even with long hair and jewelry) at all tbh

in fact I liked that part, the only part I liked about pcos ngl 😭 so when my doctor tried to put me on spironolactone I was like FUCK no and god she was so insistent like "uwu u need to regulate ur hormones it'll fix u" I get it but also no.

I took birth control with estradiol and even tho It was a low dose I HATED IT I think it unironically made any dysphoria i had 5x worse so like I KNEW spiro would just make me want to kill myself.

and also I don't want to be fertile FUCK no. nothing close to it. I would genuinely rather burn to death and feel all of the pain than get pregnant and give birth. so all the focus being on that makes me so fucking uncomfortable.

I know ~most women care~ especially since they're attracted to males but the fact that people assume that I must care is soooooo.............

"you might want to have baybeez in the future!!1" can we consider it lesbophobic to tell lesbians this. like seriously. if I happen to want to take care of kids in the future or some shit, I'll adopt. I'm not some egotistical shit who cares sooo much about spreading my (shitty) genes. really.

but yeah I fucking hate it here. being a weird strange female fucking sucks

[goodsology]

Another Update II

Hello!

Trigger Warning for periods, menstruation, and other related issues. I'll explain my situation in more detail.

It all started around April when I had a longer period than usual. It was light, with mild cramps, but lasted for about a month. My period would suddenly stop for a few hours, only for it to continue like I was on another period.

By the end of it, I had blood clots constantly. Worried, I went to an obgyn and she advised a transabdominal along with a temporary medication to stop the bleeding. She also strongly encouraged me to get a pap smear since I never had one before (nor engaged in sexual activity which will be important for later).

After some blood testing and transabdominal, I was diagnosed with PCOS. She recommended either the medication, losing weight, or starting birth control. Since then, I've been trying to lose weight and am still on the fence about taking birth control.

Just feels like I'm stalling at this point. I haven't had my period since and am afraid of what would happen if I did. I'm not sure if losing weight or eating healthy is going to help and I just need to keep taking birth control for who knows how long. I guess that's why I'm so on the fence: I don't want to take medication for a long period and would rather try changing my diet right now.

Other than the period issues, PCOS has been hard to manage. For the most part, fatigue is my most notable symptom, but sometimes I can feel irritable or have mood swings. I've been managing with meditation, listening to music, and relaxing when I need to along with doing tasks when I have the energy (ie cooking, laundry, etc.).

However, that's not my only problem. I've mentioned this in another post, but my mental health has not been great. Remember when I mentioned how I never had sexual activity? Well, when my mother asked me about my doctor visits, she also asked if I had sexual activity. I said no, and she told me how getting a pap smear would really hurt, how I would "lose my virginity" and demanded I tell my doctor no to the pap smear.

As you can tell, I have a great support system!

Sarcasm aside, my mom isn't religious. She likely had her own misbeliefs about getting a pap smear, but it doesn't change how messed up this all was. Her mother, my grandmother, passed away from cancer. A pap smear would tell me I don't have that or any other conditions, but my mom was like "No, you're v card is more important! I know better than your doctor!"

Despite me telling her "That's not how virginity works", she doubled down and reiterated her point. It's not the first time she didn't listen to me and doubted the knowledge of a professional, but she was my mom and I thought I needed at least one parent for guidance. Truth is, I'm a grown woman and I don't need that, at least, not from her or any parent like that.

I deserve better, so much better. I deserve parents who put my health and happiness above some silly little v card (plus my mom never cared about that until now). The whole thing made me wonder why I was even here. Let me make it clear: I am not a danger to myself, but after realizing both of my parents kinda suck and don't really care about me, I just wondered why I was even born. What's the point of being here if I can't go to my own parents for advice and trust them? What's the point if I can't be honest with even my own parents without being yelled at or judged?

Anyway, thank you for reading. I just needed someone to talk about this. I do have my sister and friends, but they have their own issues to deal with and I don't want to bother them, especially my sister.

[jadedaceofspades]

This is just a tidbit of TMI, but I feel comfortable enough with sharing

This is in reference to the doctor post I reblogged, and like, here's the thing: I KNOW that there are doctors out there with compassion. I know. I lost mine. The other two in the practice are kind, but they are just not the same. So now... I have to look for another GP. I have to look for another GP that will not cost me an arm and a leg for a less than 10 minute visit and I have to find a GP who will not attribute everything wrong with me to my weight.

Yes, I am obese, morbidly so. Yes, I know that losing weight will solve some of my problems. But here's the catch: I have illnesses that have nothing to do with my weight.

I have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis {both are auto-immune disorders}, so, like... I have a chronic pain condition. It sucks.

I have a gene {so, it's in my fucking DNA} for "uncontrollable asthma", meaning that whether I was fat or skinny, my lungs were fucked. Even if I got a lung transplant, if I needed it, it would be useless because my DNA is skewed.

I have the gene for celiac disease, meaning I am at risk for developing it, so... I have to watch what I eat. Most stuff I eat is naturally gluten free, so... yeah.

I also have IBS-M, so, like with the celiac gene, I watch what I eat and I basically try to eat the same thing, or at least similar foods, all the time.

I have hormonal imbalances that actively affect my psyche. I'm on the Depo shot to smooth that over. Also, I don't want children, but I'm not a candidate for the surgery BECAUSE of my weight, and also, the word surgery scares the hell out of me anyway. If I don't actually need it, I avoid it.

Going along with the surgery situation, I cannot tell you how many times I have been "recommended" for the gastric sleeve or another bariatric surgery. Just know, I am a recovering addict from pain medication. It was a mild addiction, but it was an addiction nonetheless. So, no. I'm not putting myself through that much pain to destroy my body even further.

I have moderate-severe hypochondria, so if I'm coming to you, a doctor, in a panic, you telling me that it is all in my head is not helping. I know I'm thinking too deeply; I'm paying you, the doctor, to figure out if it's real or not. This is why you get the big bucks.

It's more than just "you need to lose weight" for me. So you can just maybe empathize with me when I say "No, it's not, actually. It's more. Figure it the fuck out and HELP ME."

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

[fuck-your-proana-blog]

I need to vent about this somewhere or I'll collapse, and I have absolutely no one I can mention this to, sorry if this oversteps a boundary, no need to reply if can't or don't wanna, tw for weightloss and ana stuff. But. Okay so, I've been trying to lose weight since, like, July, and in like October or something I accidentally stumbled upon proana on this godforsaken website and. I looked at it out of morbid curiosity at first. Then I tried to eat under [insert calorie amount], just to see how long I last+at that point I was unable to diet for like a week bc I was forced to eat more than the amount I wanted, and I wanted to compensate for it aaaaaand. Yeah. Now it's been a few months, I keep cutting calories lower and lower, I promised myself I'll never look at those tags again and that I'll never lie about how much I've eaten. Now I do both regularly. I think if this weren't the only thing anchoring me to reality, I could force myself to quit, but unfortunately it is and...yeah, this is one of my few comforts when I want to unalive myself (hopefully I'll soon get treatment for my severe social anxiety, if that happens, I may not need this as a coping mechanism anymore). Is this already a disorder, or could I still force myself out of this?

Once again, no need to reply if you can't or don't want to.

I'm not a doctor so I can't tell you if you have a disorder or not, but I'd say you clearly have issues with food that need to be sorted out. Treatment for the underlying conditions you mentioned (social anxiety, depression) could really help with your eating issues, so I suggest pursuing care for those illnesses and do your best not to look at pro ana material anymore. I was developing my disorder when I found pro ana 13-14 years ago and it made me spiral downward into my ED very quickly, so do everything you can not to trigger yourself like that. If you don't have a therapist please try to get one as they'll be key to getting you better. Whether it's an ED or not you still have to "force your way out of it;" getting better in this way will always require a huge amount of strength and determination to better your life. I know unneeded weight loss feels "good" at first but the more you cut calories over a long span of time, the more danger you're at for damaging your body and mind in ways you can't come back from. Please seek professional help from a physician, therapist, and psychiatrist to make sure you can get your mind and body right in a healthy and realistic way. I wish you the best, and feel free to message me any time. I know what you're going through and it sucks real bad; when my disorder started no one knew either so it was very isolating and I hate seeing anyone go through that hell, so I'm here for you whenever you need to vent! ❤️

[smolthealmighty]

Spinaraki Week Round 3 Day 2: Help

Kisses Make the Best of Medicines

Tomura thinks he’s got the flu, but it’s fine because he’s sure he can still fight regardless. Spinner thinks it’s pneumonia so no Shigaraki, you need to lie the hell down. Unrelated fun fact, the list of “strange gecko properties” does not stop at sticking to walls.

~~~~~

“I’m telling you it’s not pneumonia, it’s just a small case of the flu. It’s not like I’m gonna puke blood and die, I’m just playing a little more nerffed than usual until they wear off.”

In spite of Tomura’s affirmations that he was not about to drop dead, Spinner was still trying to grapple him into another coat and tie a makeshift cold compress to his head.

“You’ve been achy and nauseous for two days now, and you’ve been getting chills while I know you already have a high fever!” Spinner protested as he finished tying his river-soaked scarf around Tomura’s forehead, “Can you just stop squirming like an angry toddler and lie down? You’re gonna mess up your lungs even more if you exhaust yourself!”

“It’s December in the woods and I’ve been fighting in 44-hour shifts, of course I’m chilly and achy! And don’t get me started on how I’m just naturally nau-” Tomura exclaimed before breaking out into a coughing fit that sent him sprawling towards the ground. Luckily, Spinner was already close enough to catch him quickly, and Tomura finally gave in and let Spinner help him lie down on the forest floor.

“Look, just because some of my symptoms match both bugs doesn’t automatically mean I have the worser of the two. You’re being more pessimistic than usual.”

“It’s not pessimism its realism!” said Spinner, at this point exasperated beyond belief, “If you do have the worse one than I wanna take it seriously, you’ve got enough odds stacked against you as it is.”

“Oh please, I’ve fought in more garbage conditions before, I can handle this.”

“That doesn’t mean you should damn it!”

Spinner groaned and proceeded to throw himself to the ground next to Tomura, crossing his arms and pouting.

Now who’s acting childish? Tomura thought, but instead said, “Hey, I’ll beat Machia whether I’m sick or not. You don’t gotta worry about us losing or whatever.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about. I just… you’ve got enough on your plate with this mission. I wanna help lessen the weight you’re carrying as much as I can. If that means finding medicine or forcing you to give your body some more rest then I’ll do it.”

Tomura turned his head to see that Spinner was worrying his lip and his eyes were just a bit too shiny. If he didn’t do something to lighten the mood soon then he’d have to deal with a crying Spinner, and as far as Tomura was concerned no one wanted a poor, sad, crying Spinner except maybe a sociopath.

“Pfft, aren’t you sweet?” Tomura said, letting his voice be infected with the affection he had for his friend, “Does it mean giving me warm soup and a goodnight kiss on the forehead?”

The feeling of Spinner’s scaly lips on his forehead when he impulsively gave him said kiss confirmed that yes, Spinner really was willing to do whatever it took to help, even if it left the poor guy with a soft yet obvious blush of embarrassment.

“Hmph, I think we should call the doctor about this, just to see if he’ll get you some medicine or something that’ll make the debuffs suck less,” Spinner stated, barely keeping his composure.

“I wouldn’t count on it,” Tomura replied, a little more breathless than usual, “but maybe he’ll be able to figure out what I’ve got and prove me right.”

“You wish,” Spinner chuckled. Suddenly he paused and reached out to feel Tomura’s forehead, the scales feeling cool but not unpleasant against his skin.

“Huh, that’s strange. Your fever’s gone down. What’s-”

“Hmm, now that you mention it,” Tomura mused as he sat up, “I don’t feel achy either. This must be the fastest flu I’ve ever had!”

“That can’t be right, you don’t just magically get better from pneumonia without some kind of medi- oh.”

“What’s oh?”

If Tomura had looked flushed from his fever before, than the new blush taking over Spinner’s face made him look like his head was on fire. “Uh well,” Spinner fumbled, “This is kinda stupid and probably isn’t an actual explanation but um… did you know that gecko scales are… um… antibacterial?”

Tomura couldn’t help it, he started giggling like a madman. Unlike the illness, the giggling was apparently contagious and soon had Spinner bursting into laughter alongside his friend. They both continued cackling until the rumblings of Machia called them back into battle.

~

“So, who won?”

Tomura and Spinner stared impatiently at Doctor Ujiko as he finished analyzing the test results.

“Neither of you won,” the doctor said as he turned to face them with a stunned expression on his face, “It wasn’t influenza or pneumonia.”

The answer was met with groans by the pair over what was likely a immature bet that now meant nothing, until Spinner asked, “Well, what was it?”

“An infection of Yersinia pestis, manifested in the pneumonic form,” Ujiko said shakily before composing himself, “Now how did you-”

“Ha, pneumonic! I did win!”

“Ugh fine,” Tomura sighed as he admitted defeat, “You can pick the first game in our marathon once we pulverize the mindless boulder-bitch. Alright if you’ve nothing else then send us back doc, we’re ready.”

Once the two were warped back to the battle zone, Ujiko took off his glasses to rub at his sinuses in a vain attempt to mitigate the oncoming headache.

“Tomura Shigaraki, only you would give zero cares to the fact that you caught the black plague and managed to survive it.”

[chaoskirin2]

You know what’s super tiring about fatphobia?

EVERYONE has it. If you’re fat or you’ve ever been fat, you realize this. And it’s not really intentional. That’s the worst thing.

Well, some people are intentionally fatphobic. There’s a lot of assholes who post on Twitter that there’s no way fat people can be healthy and they’ll keep telling fat people they’re not healthy, but those aren’t the ones I’m talking about.

I’m talking about chair manufactures, for example. Who advertise chairs as being able to accommodate up to 350 lbs. but the seat is too narrow to sit on. They’ve reinforced the FUCK out of it, but the seat is exactly the same size as all their other chairs. When I contacted the company about this, they told me that they had chairs for heavier people, and I should have picked one of those. (I had.) They wouldn’t give me a refund unless the chair was defective.

So now I have a chair that bruises my thighs and I can’t afford a new one. 

I’m talking about clothing makers, who don’t know how to make clothes for people over 175 lbs., and most of all, they don’t know how to make clothes for fat women. I found a jacket online that I wanted. I took my measurements. The site suggested I order a 2X. 

Having had experience with clothes being too small before, I went ahead and ordered a 5x. 

The jacket doesn’t close. The shoulders are tight. The sleeves almost reach my knees for some reason. 

When I go to a concert, the chairs are so small and close together that I am UNCOMFORTABLY close to other people. The best time I had at a concert was getting a seat right at the end of a row. 

These are just a few examples. 

Also, if you’ve read this far, I guarantee some of you are thinking, “wow, you should just lose weight.” and this is what my doctor has told me for 20+ years. Problem is, when I finally got so ashamed of my weight that I went to a weight loss doctor and told her “look, I’ve starved myself, I used to play sports like a fiend, and I ran until I got so fat that I sprained my knee” she sat me down and did a bunch of tests.

And it turns out, I have insulin resistance. 

That means, no matter what I did, no matter how much I punished myself, no matter how much I starved myself or exercised, I would not ever lose weight. Not without help. 

This went undiagnosed for 20 years! “Diet and exercise” were prescribed as a solution that would NEVER WORK. Because my family doctor didn’t believe I’d tried already.

And I’m sure some of you reading this far are thinking “oh, well you’re an ‘acceptable’ fat person then.” 

But the truth is, either we’re all acceptable, or none of us are. You can’t make chairs or clothes that fit for “acceptable” fat people and not for people who are fat because they overeat or don’t exercise or, hell, just like the way they look. 

I have a hard time living life because of this type of fatphobia, where the world doesn’t care whether or not I’m comfortable or taken care of. If I want to lose weight, I have to have a specific part of my stomach removed. I need to not absorb 70+% of what I eat. If I don’t do this, I don’t get to be comfortable. 

I shouldn’t have to get surgery to be able to live comfortably. And I think about this a lot, especially when people tell me that “thinphobia” is a thing, or that it’s equally as bad as fatphobia. I don’t think people actually understand that sometimes I’m not able to thrive because of how things exist, whether it be because of ignorance or outright malice. It sucks. 

And there’s always a risk to surgery, even if it’s small. I’m scared. But if I don’t do this, I’ll be unhappy for the rest of my life.

[maryelizagreg]

I’m trying to medicate the ocd, and, unbelievably so, The ocd is fighting back… wow. Didn’t think it’d do that.

Like, it medicated the obsessive compulsive behaviors and thoughts away,

And so it was like, “that’s fine, i can use an alternate route” and like carved new pathways in my brain

And just worked itself deeper in, and wider, and vaster

And the behaviors got fucking worse.

*slams door*

*screams into the floor*

*rage quits*

>I’m trying to tell myself, it’s only been 7 days, give it at least 4 full weeks. At least 4 full weeks. C’mon, cmon!

>but last night i was flipping out, my anxiety was so high, and my veins were popping like, on my legs, to the point i could feel odd sensations, i was seeing streaks and spots and things like this, and i stopped my car in the middle of the road and got out, and screamed and started freaking out feeling and hitting all over myself thrashing and rubbing my arms and legs and entire body thoroughly while screaming fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Because i thought there was a spider on me and i thought i felt it crawl up my leg really fast but I’m like 98% certain there was no bug at all and that was just a weird sensation in my leg that occurred after i like, touched the vein that was popping

>probably a blood clot or something

>at night my heart starts racing and beating so hard and fast, i can’t take those medications anymore because they make them worse. It’s really intense.

>i wish it would just kill me like it tried to when i was 12 (my heart like, had an episode or whatever) and, i wish it took me then,… though i wasn’t like, ready. No one ever feels, ready for death… but i can’t fucking do this anymore

>the only reason i didn’t kill myself was because i had experiences with death when i was young and i saw what it was like on the other side, and, it wasn’t bad, but i knew that death wasn’t a way to escape consciousness or the burdens of emotional weight by any means, so whatever like, hell is inside you- if you don’t resolve it here, you will take it into the after life for eternity and while it was a really peaceful place to be, of rest- and total, contentment… it was also somewhat sad knowing you had unfinished duties, and things you wanted to see finished, and mourning loved ones, you leave behind who go through insufferable pain after you are gone.

I couldn’t do it for these reasons. Because that is what death is. In reality. There is no, escaping this fact. This reality.

And my reality right now, is that, i struggle with ocd sometimes, and, it fucking sucks. And i needed to vent about it, i think.

Either that, or I’m going insane.

I stopped taking the luvox because of what happened with my blood pressure and anxiety the other night, i think I am having a poor response to the medication, and while it does work in some ways, my body is not responding well to it. And i also have, more suicidal thoughts than before, not less. I want to break free from the ocd, and i can see it breaking lose in chunks and freeing up here and there-

But it is trying to bind me back in, and sometimes, i forget about the progress I’ve made- and i can get into a bad way or a bad mental place easily.

So…. Trying to protect yourself from slipping around, and to find some mental balance and stability, resilience, amongst this natural instability is…. Mmmmm

Really difficult, takes a lot of work, and…. Lethal amounts of medication.

And what’s crazy is, i feel like i don’t even have it that bad compared to others I’ve seen in the mental health circuit, not even close.

But… it’s still enough torture to just want to make it stop, regardless of the degree of severity of it- or how debilitating, or difficult it is. Pain is pain. Hard is hard. And, it’s subjective anyway, what one can handle and another can, from one moment to the next…

I’m asking my doctors to just make me stable again and they can’t seem to do that… so I’m just, kind of at a crux here. Where I’m like okay, theres some construction work that needs to be done on this project in another area, there’s an angle I’m missing, there’s a perspective shift going on here where, things that were not obvious or clear to me before, oversight and insight wise appear… and… gosh it’s just so confusing.

Complex ptsd is like this though it’s just a fucking mess. I just don’t understand why i have it in the first place… my memory is…. So, dissociative, it’s absolutely insane like. I have no control over this issue.

And then there is the self gaslighting to a psychotic degree, negative self talk, and other things like that, that have me kind of at a stand still. Like, it’s paralyzing, the over arching ocd can be paralyzing in nature, it wants you to freeze, to fawn and, so I’m trying to speak compassionately to myself… despite- it being VERY hard to fully listen and believe it. To not argue with it in my head. To not become confused, and cognitively dissonant, and completely…. Lost, amongst a million shattered pieces of thoughts, trying to understand something

Which you just, fucking, don’t. And, have no control over.

Meanwhile, it’s taken over you, your life, it controls… everything… it can make you delusional, and your perceptions distorted, your emotions are on your sleeve or they’re so buried deep that even *you* don’t know it’s there. There are parts of yourself you lose like loose change on accident one day and find the next, like a random coin on the floor you have no idea where it even came from.

My cohesive chronological narrative memory isn’t accurate, it’s distorted, patchy, and has huge blanks in it often. People look back on their life like a book with a story, a narrative, an experience they remember having. Where as i hardly felt like i was in my own body as a child most the time, and that’s all i remember, is feeling like i was in outer fucking space.

I’ve always been, a bit, dissociated from reality… and this is a chronic consequence of cptsd, and it’s nature, of your brain trying to protect you- along with all the rest of the weird things you do, that make no sense to everyone else.

It is truly like being trapped in your own mind, and, you just *can’t* escape or get out of your head sometimes.

No matter how much, clinical data you gather or, meds you take, you’re never *really* in the clear, it’s just, periods of good moods, and illusions of remission masked by heavy dissociation and mental blocks. Either way, it’s not *going* anywhere because there is no *medication* “for” this that “treats” it completely on its own like,…

You have to do the work while taking various medications to help you, and hope for the best. Meanwhile, feelings of depression and other chronic issues persist and persist, and you have to just, put up with it like, it’s there beside you all the time but, try not to tell it drag you down just, an inconvenience you carry and tell no one about.

It’s- torture.