#the doctors telling me I just need to lose weight can suck it I know there’s something deeper going on

[nixerium]

Ah yes, gotta love the recent hit game of “can I shower or will that take most of my energy”

Especially since it’s a trick question anyways

[forcedtogrow]

Addressing Pre-T, Pre-transition Anons

I’m getting quite a few asks from pre-T guys about how much you can change your body pre-T, what exercises to do, how to fix body fat redistribution etc. and it has gotten to be a little too much so im making a blanket post regarding this topic. This post is MY VIEWS AND LIMITS. I am not trying to bully anyone, this is a kink blog for fun and I am not a teacher/doctor/counselor/therapist or parent. I am a fun big brother lmao.

1. There’s only so much you can change your body pre-T, and it’s totally dependent on your genetics and dedication to lifting/gaining muscle. Some guys are lucky and can easily pass without T by just working out, I wasn’t one of them but I’ve seen a handful of guys that did that before T. Even then, some of those guys needed T to get rid of an hourglass/pear shape.

2. You can’t spot lose body fat in hips/thighs/ass. You’d need to lose body fat everywhere, but pre-T your body is most likely to hold onto lower body fat because biology wants those fat reserves to make babies. It’s gross and dysphoria inducing but it’s true.

3. It’s worth it to work out pre-T, especially lifting, to create a solid base to work from. If you already have that you’ll grow so fast on T it’ll feel like magic. I won’t lie that it’s frustrating and awful, because I’ve been there and it feels like spinning the pedals on a bike without moving, but it does pay off.

4. Stay balanced with your diet and don’t force yourself into a crazy calorie deficit. It might not be the time to bulk if you feel like your body is reserving most energy as fat (could be your genetics or activity level), but maintaining a baseline that’s Not underweight is a good start.

5. I’m not in a place to tell you to bulk or cut, especially if I don’t know your height/weight/age/activity level. I am not a doctor or dietician and can only say what works for me and people I know.

6. Don’t just focus on one part of the body, do a full push/pull/legs routine at the very least. Like this: https://www.aston.ac.uk/sport/news/tips/fitness-exercise/push-pull-legs or this for a 6 day split: https://www.muscleandstrength.com/workouts/6-day-powerbuilding-split-meal-plan

You need to build full body strength, and more leg muscle can actually masculinize your body and make your hips more boxy.

7. If you can’t transition medically/socially for whatever reason your main focus should be getting out of that situation. This is going to sound harsh but I know many trans people who risked a lot, some trans femme friends that literally risked their lives, and you have to decide what’s important to you. I’m being real because you will only regret waiting—there is no replacement for transition, there is no joy like transition, there is no pain great enough to negate the many many benefits of transition.

I don’t want to get messages like “what if it’s illegal where I live!” That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s sucks, but you either transition or you don’t, and if you don’t that’s up to you, but I cannot assist with that decision. I gave up a lot to transition and waited several years to start hrt for reasons too personal to disclose. I ruined relationships with family among other things, so please do NOT ask me for advice on this because I will not be coddling/sweet. Being a man is hard and messy and a sacrifice.

8. I will tell you what I eat and give general advice of bulking/eating but I will not make a meal plan for you. Every body has different needs that only you and a dietitian can work through, I’m not a licensed professional and don’t want anyone to take what I eat as the only way to eat.

9. If you cannot transition because you are a minor stay off my blog. Sorry!!

[genderqueerdykes]

hope recovery goes well and that you notice a significant difference after surgery! it sucks that something so easy to remove was giving you so much trouble (same goes for shitty doctors LOL)

thank you so much, i really appreciate that!!!

i know, after the surgery was finished i just kinda sat there like. that was so simple. the surgeons were telling me of how quick and easy of a surgery it was. i only have 4 small incisions on my abdomen. part of the procedure involves a camera being inserted into your abdomen, which makes things even easier for the surgeons as it makes it easier to see what's going on inside. they use very long tools and work delicately. the surgery only takes around 2 and a half hours tops if there are no complications, which there were none during mine

while i was waiting, i overheard that 2 other people were there to get their gallbladders removed for the same exact reason. this really is a super common, routine surgery. one of the nurses told me that he believed that the first place was giving me a hard time and not wanting to do the surgery because they wanted to brush me off for someone coming in for a surgery that pays better. the second he said this a lot of things clicked in my brain. medical fatphobia was definitely at play, but these people looked a simple, routine surgery and went no i won't someone i can siphon way more money out of. this isn't worth my time

greed is a huge problem in the medical industry and it should play no part in it. that same nurse said "i swear everyone in this field forgets that our job is to be here for the patient." i understand that everyone needs to make money to survive, but greed has no place when it comes to saving someone else's life. there was no reason for them to give me the run around and try to refer me to weight loss surgery. like it's clear as day as to why she wanted to refer me to bariatrics now- she wanted me to get talked into getting bariatric surgery to lose weight to get another surgery. that's just ridiculous why would i do that?

thank you so much for your kind words, i really appreciate it! recovery is going very well for now, i've been sleeping a lot thanks to the pain medicine, but right now that's the best thing i can do! appreciate you! take care, if you need anything don't be afraid to come send another ask!

[blackstarregulus79]

I'm going to ramble/character study about Rogue and the Doctor because I have brain-rot now...

btw nothing negative about their relationship in here, I love them.

It all traces back (in my head) to the 12th doctor (I could go back further but In an effort to keep this as short as possible I will not) when he has that last night with River. This is the last big loss the doctor feels because he knows he can't save her because she died before he even knew her. This left the doctor with a lot of feeling he never learned what to do with, and all of his companions after that never had a loss like this so how could he tell them and get any reaction other then 'yeah that sucks' none of them had been through that.

But Bill reminded 12 how to be happy and young and joyful which in my mind led to him being more forgiving of Missy and learning to trust her again but he thought in the end that she betrayed him leaving him another emotional scar.

That leads him to 13 who is so scared of loosing her companions and feeling that hurt again and that betrayal that she doesn't talk to any of them. She is too worried about opening up and sharing that side of her that she would rather hide everything then feel that pain.

But her and Yaz begin to fall into that trope of 'I want to love you, I just don't know how to any more' which breaks 13s hearts. So when she regenerates she is so tired of losing, hiding, and hurting so much that she regenerates into her old face trying to make her next self stop and take a fucking break.

That is when we get 14 who reigns he bond with Donna (one of his heaviest losses) and he starts to contemplate stopping and resting for one second but the guilt he feels towards everything he's done and how he feels that he owes it to his past companions to keep going.

Then his soul rips in half, and he can do both.

(I know this had been said before but stay with me)

And because of this 15 can express and feel what he is feeling (that is why he has been crying so much this season, because he is finally letting himself). But his companion, no shame on her or anything, can't really do anything but listen because she has never travel the universe with someone grow to care about them more then anything just for them to be gone.

And having a shoulder to cry on is nice and everything but sometimes it is nice to know other people have felt pain and loss like this, and to be told you are not alone. Make you feel like you are not crazy.

Then he meets Rogue. A man who has traveled with and lost someone, who can feel the weight of it, who is also somehow trying to figure out how to live with lose even though it is so fucking difficult. And the doctor gets told about how Rogue lost someone and he tells Rogue how he lost everyone. This is one of (if not the first) in a very long time who can says 'I have been through that to I know exactly how you feel'.

And even though the Master travels the universe they do it alone, they don't feel the lose of a companion like the doctor does.

And that is why they move so fast with each other, even getting engaged the first day they met, because they don't know when they are going to lose again. Their scared and want someone they can relate to.

And Rogue knows the pain and doesn't want the doctor to feel it again so he takes Ruby's place on the trap. But the doctor feels the pain anyways because he could see the potential with Rogue, and sometimes when you are that close to something you wanted it hurts just as bad.

SO WE NEED TO BRING ROGUE BACK SO THE DOCTOR HAS SOMEONE HE CAN RELATE TO, TO TALK TO!!!!! 15 JUST NEEDS SOMEONE TO HEAL WITH NOT FOR!!!!

Anyways thanks for listening to my ramble. I know the doctor could relate to Jack about this kind of thing but I think they have way too much history for the doctor to open up to him.

Here's my Spotify playlist for them if anyone wants it:

[mingiswow]

Boyfriend | Ahn Hyejin

Pairing: Hwasa x fem!reader

Words: ~ 4.1k

Genre: smut, mutual pinning, friends to strangers to lovers, a little angst

Content Warning: smut, mentions of alcohol and food consumption, hwasa and reader are both stupid, ridiculous amount of pet names

Smut warning: unprotected sex (stds exist kiddos), oral, fingering, finger sucking, scissoring, multiple orgasms, Hwasa first time with another woman

⚠ MINORS DNI

⚠ English is not my native language, so pardon me if there are any mistakes. And you can always tell me what’s wrong.

a/n: thx so much anon for the request and sorry it took me forever to write. I was inspired by one of my favorite songs from last year so I hope you enjoy it <3

It was painful. It truly was. Everytime you were around each other and you could do nothing but look at her. Admire her. To feel that painful sting of jealousy that you were so used to by now. Every Time her velvety and soothing voice spoke the words that you didn’t want to hear.

Pathetic. That was the word that could better describe you and Hwasa's relationship with each other. Not because the relationship itself was pathetic but because you were clearly head over heels for each other. Everyone knew that. Everyone saw. But you. You had your questions once in a while but soon were put in the back of the last drawer of your brain and forgotten. Because how could she like you back? How would a woman like Hyejin like someone like you? She was truly a Greek goddess walking among the mere fool mortals.

Not only that, she never gave any reason for you to think she liked you. Or women to be honest. She always told you and her other friends the difficulties of finding herself a decent boyfriend, a decent man. She always complained about the dates she’d go with these insufferable men in hopes to find something. “Not love, because that’s too deep for some of them” is what she would say.

And that was exactly what she was talking about. Her last date with this apparently nice looking guy who was a vet doctor and seemed to treat her nicely. Just the thought of Hyejin enjoying a date that was not with you made you anxious. Made you bite the inside of your cheek so much that you could feel the metallic taste in the tip of your tongue.

While she gushed about how he was such a gentleman, her eyes twinkling with a new found crush, you left the room to go to the kitchen to grab more alcohol. You needed to intoxicate your brain and forget about those stupid one sided feelings. Even more so now that she seemed to be interested in this guy.

A deep breath left your mouth, a stupid trial to exhale all the pent up frustration and jealousy.

“How long will you be holding a grudge against your feelings?” The voice scared you but you knew it was Yongsun, the only one you thought it knew about your silly crush.

You had no answer. As always. She was always right when it came to yours and Hwasa’s feelings but you’d never admit that to her. So you just shrugged.

“Yn… you’ll lose her if you keep hiding behind this facade of a good friend”

“First of all, it’s not a facade, I am a good friend that just happens to have feelings for her. And second, I can’t lose something I never had” your voice lowered towards the end of the sentence. You never had her. And never will. It was chosen already. “I have to forget her, Sun, I do. Before it’s too late” the can in your hand was finally opened and you took a big gulp of the bitter drink.

“And how do you plan to do that?” Your friend asked, taking the beer from your hand and drinking it too.

“I think…” you sighed, the weight of the decision, heavy on your shoulders, “I’ll take some time apart from her. It’ll be better for me if I don’t see her, especially now that she’s going out with this Seongyong dude”

“Yn…”

“I know it’s not the best and mature idea, I am aware. It’s just… it’s the best for me. If I don’t see her then I won’t feel things” the older one sighed, she knew she had no true power over your decision, you’ve made up your mind.

“Ok, I don’t agree but I respect your decision” she took a few steps to leave the kitchen but turned around “just don’t after me when this didn’t work because I’ll be the bitch to say I’ve told you” and with that she left the kitchen.

After the party you started avoiding Hyejin and the rest of your friends, finding excuses to never go to the parties and gatherings. You even missed Hyejin’s birthday party, something that hasn't happened for the past at least 5 years. But it was for the best. You saw the pictures of the party and your heart shrunk and broke into tiny pieces when you saw her having fun with her now boyfriend.

Did staying away from her helped? Not at all. You kept stalking her social media. Entering her account everyday to see what she had posted. Watching her stories on Instagram. You were just torturing yourself at that point. But that was another thing you’d never admit to yourself.

It was a warm summer night, the city seemed even more alive than ever. And you could hear the movement from your apartment. It made you feel sad that you were alone at your apartment again.

You were about to prepare to go to bed and watch some movie before sleeping when the doorbell rang.

She was the last person you expected to see behind that door when you opened.

“H-Hyejin? What�� Are you okay?” You asked when you saw how drunk she looked. Her cheeks red, eyes semi closed, mouth slightly opened and her heels on her hands.

“No, I’m not” she answered, words wobbly with alcohol as she entered your house without even asking. Not that she needed to anyways.

You could smell the alcohol starting to evaporate from her sweat, the scent being borderline nauseating.

“How much have you drunk?” You asked, going after her. She threw herself on your couch.

“Why do you care?” The words were thrown at you like knives. And you deserved it.

“I always care”

“If you really cared you wouldn’t disappear from my life” she lifted her body, trembling a bit but managing to stand on her feet. “If you really cared you’d go to my birthday party, you’d cherish me and our friends, you wouldn’t just lie to us” she kept hitting your chest with the point of her index finger. She only did that when she was drunk and wanted to make a point.

You sighed and closed your eyes. You couldn’t deny any of those words. She was right. Absolutely right.

“I do care and that’s exactly why I stopped seeing you. Because I care too much” she crossed her arms like she was a mad little kid. “I cared too much to see you all being happy while I was in misery watching you”

“That’s bullshit! Since when are you in misery?” Her voice started to get louder. The alcohol getting the best of her usually controlled demeanor. “Your life is great, you have you dream job, you have your own apartment, you have friends, since when t-“

“I don’t have you”

“If course you have me, I’m your friend”

“I hate that word! I don’t want to be your friend, Hyejin, I want more!” You screamed, tears pricking your eyes. That’s not how you wanted to say these things. God! You didn’t even want to say these things. “Fuck! I… did you know how fucking painful was to hear you gush about your boyfriend with the girls when I was there? Listening and just wishing to be him. To be the one you gushed about? Did you know how painful it was to me to be in love with one of my best friends for years and have to see you suffer from all the jerks and I couldn’t do anything because I was just your friend? How mind and soul eating was the thought that I could be the predatory queer friend if I ever approached you because you don’t like girls and I never wanted to step over your boundaries?” Hyejin was in shock. That was the best word to describe the way she was.

Her arms were limp beside her body, eyes watching you with no expression besides surprise, no words leaving her mouth. You would be surprised if she wasn’t breathing as well.

You waited for an answer but she just closed her eyes and fell on the couch again, sleeping. You sighed. She was too drunk to even keep herself awake. She wasn’t even going to remember this conversation by the next day. Which you assumed was the best for the both of you.

You grabbed her bridal style and took her to your bed, putting her to sleep there while you slept on the couch. If it happened from her to remember anything you said, you didn’t want her to be uncomfortable by your side on the bed.

Laying on the couch, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath while trying to soothe your aching heart and racing mind.

You didn’t even know how or when you fell asleep. But you woke up with Hyejin’s velvety voice calling you. At the beginning you thought it was a dream but when you opened your eyes you saw her squatting by your side, hand on your shoulder and a shy smile on her face. She managed to look the prettiest she ever looked to you.

“Sorry to wake you up”

“It’s everything okay?” You asked while sitting on the couch to talk to her.

“We need to talk” you nodded and she sat by your side. You waited for her to say something. Hyejin took a deep breath in and turned to look at you. “I’m sorry” it took you a while to respond, not really knowing what to say.

“It’s alright, it’s not like I haven’t dealt with you drunk before” you gave a little chuckle but she shook her head.

“It’s… it’s not about that. I’m sorry that I made you suffer” she looked at the ground, picking the little loose skins on the fingers.

“It’s not your fault, Jinnie, I didn’t say anything either. It’s not like you should know” you grabbed her chin to make her look at you. “Besides, I never wanted to ruin our friendship, you are too important for me”

“What if I want you to ruin it?” You watched her, a little bit shocked by her statement.

“What?”

“What what?”

“What do you mean? I’m… I am a little lost here” Hyejin gave her little giggle that you loved so much and moved a few centimeters closer to you.

To say your heart became a thousand marching bands in your chest was being very nice because your heart was about to come out of your throat and jump into her own.

Her hands grabbed yours and brought them to her chest, right in the middle, feeling her thumping heart.

“I never told you anything either because it took me a while to realize that what I felt for you was more than friendship. Sorry I had to make you feel like that to make me pay attention to my own feelings” you nodded. “I thought that was because I enjoyed your friendship, your attention on me. I guess I always knew you liked me… I just… never accepted myself”

“I know how it feels” you said and smiled. You took your hand out of her chest and held her face, feeling her give in to the touch and slightly lean her face into your hands. “Please tell me this is not a dream” you whispered, more to yourself than anything else but she heard.

Hwasa smiled and closed the distance between your faces and kissed your lips. It was simple, just a longer peck but it was enough to make the sleeping butterflies in your stomach wake up.

“Does that answer your question?” The woman smirked, almost as she was playing with you. Which wasn’t a lie.

“Not yet, I think I need more evidence” you entered her little game and this time was your turn to kiss her.

Opposite of her, you didn’t go for the peck. No. You went for the kiss. The real one. Both of your hands held her face in place as you leaned forward to touch her lips with yours, your body slightly towering her, making her feel the warmth coming from you. She felt safe, welcomed, and, more than anything, she felt… excited.

You’ve been dreaming about this kiss for the past years of your life, you had to take your chance if she ever felt like giving up. But Hyejin was far too gone to give up, your lips felt like heaven to her. The way you knew exactly how to kiss her, how she liked, how she deserved. She could feel all your love and feelings boiling in that little touch of lips.

It didn’t take long for you to feel confident enough to open your mouth more and invade her mouth with your tongue. Which she gladly welcomed, a sigh mixed with a low moan leaving her mouth as you did. One of your hands went to her waist, grabbing the skin between your fingers, making sure she was not going to run away, while the other held the back of her neck, pulling her head closer towards your own. Her hands, that were holding your arms, put themselves on top of your thighs, caressing them on top of your sweatpants.

Everything was getting more intense, getting more heated. Both of you could feel it. And all you hoped was that she wasn’t going to stop you because the heat in between your legs was getting annoying.

Your body started to move on top of her, leaning down and taking hers to lay down on the sofa with you. The kiss never breaking, only intensifying from the pent up need from both of you.

“Yn…” Hyejin moaned your name in the middle of the kiss and you could die happily right then and there. The way your name sounded painful coming from her mouth as if the air she needed to say was being pulled from her lungs. “Please” her voice, usually strong, velvety and deep, was whiny, above a whisper. You lowered your kisses from her mouth to her neck, kissing, sucking and biting the soft skin there. “More, please… I… more” you smiled on her skin, enjoying the effect you had on her. The wait was worth it.

“What is it, Princess? I need you to be more specific to me” you kept your assault on her neck and you could see by your rear view that her legs rubbed together.

“I need more, yn… I… I don’t know… I-I just need something. Touch me please” in a blow of confidence she grabbed one of your hands and put it between her legs and you feel the fabric of her panties under her skirt already starting to get damp.

“Fuck” you whispered feeling the wetness as you slid your fingers up and she left a low moan. “You’re going to be the death of me”

“Just please fuck me before you die” she said without thinking much of her words, making you chuckle and her to blush.

You left your position on top of her, earning a whine, before grabbing her bridal style to take her back to your bed.

“Honey, if I’m going to fuck I’m fucking you right” you said before laying her back on the bed.

You pulled her skirt and underwear down, lower half naked. Hyejin, the woman of your dreams was half naked on your bed, pussy dripping wet waiting for you to fuck her like she deserved. Without losing any more time, you snaked in between her legs, putting them on top of your shoulders as you got face to face with her glistening pussy.

You looked at her face one more time to ask for her consent but you didn’t even have to do it because she was nodding eagerly before grabbing you by your hair and pulling you to shove your head on her pussy.

Her smell was divine, her wetness welcoming your mouth like her own welcomed before during the kiss. Your tongue licked a long fat stripe from her hole to her clit, earning the most obscene moan you’ve even imagined coming from her, which made you even more eager. She tasted as sweet as you imagined in your most perverted dreams. She tasted, smelled perfection. She was perfection.

Your licks and sucks were being distributed equally on her clit to her hole. You used the tip of your tongue to write your and her name on her clit, her legs trying to close on your head as she kept rubbing her pussy on your face, not being able to keep quiet. It was too much. She never felt anything like that. Was it because it was you? Was it because you were good? Or was it because nobody ever ate her like she deserved? Maybe all the answers were right. All she knew was that you were devouring her like you were starving and she was enjoying every single second of it.

You were slowly edging her, playing with her clit until the knot in her stomach started to tighten until you left the nub to go tongue-fuck her hole, your skilled muscle entering her as deep as it could, the sour taste of her wetness being welcomed on your tongue as you felt like tou were using drugs. You were completely high by her, by her taste, her smell, her body. Everything. You were becoming addicted to the vice grip she held your hair, burning your scalp, but you couldn’t care less.

You kept going with your mouth from clit to vagina until she was coming on your tongue, a trembling mess on your shoulders, sweet moans of your name leaving her lips as you kept licking and sucking her clit until she rode her orgasm. When she was getting back to her senses and thinking it was over, you pushed your middle finger inside her. Her tight warm wall welcoming your digit.

“Yn… fuck… please… I’m so sensitive” she whined, trying to close her legs again but stopped her.

“Oh, baby, I know. But we just started” she widened her eyes looking at you. “I know these men never fucked you right, but I’m here to make up for you, ok? Just don’t think too much. Relax and let me take care of you” she nodded, biting her lower lip in anticipation.

You left your position in between her legs and took your finger from inside of her just to take the rest of her clothes off so she was fully naked. Beads of sweat adorning her soft and tan skin, eyes dark with pleasure, chest rising up and down with the action. She never looked so pretty. You wished you could take a picture of this moment to keep forever.

You kissed her lips again, making her taste herself in your tongue, which she gladly did. If it was anyone else she’d think it was gross, but it was you. And she learned rather quickly that you could do anything with and to her that she’d thank you.

While you were kissing she entered two fingers inside of her cunt, a moan getting trapped inside of your mouth as you swallowed it. Your hand started to move, slowly at first, making her feel used to the intrusion but soon she was asking for more. Begging. You went faster, wrist snapping fast and hard, fingers curling and opening inside of her hole, finding the soft spongy spot inside, making her eyes roll back and back arch up. She was getting closer again and you could tell. Walls hugging your digits.

Your other hand went to her mouth, prodding the tip of the index and middle fingers on her lips. Hyejin understood the movement and opened her mouth, taking both fingers in her mouth and sucking them, hands holding your forearm as she sucked your fingers like her life depended on it.

“Such a good girl, you like having something on your mouth, don’t you?” She nodded, moaning around your fingers and her walls squeezed your other ones. You smirked at that but decided that you probably would have other opportunities to mess with her. “Can you cum for me again, baby?” She nodded eagerly. “Then come again. Wet my fingers like you did with my face” she moaned against your fingers again and you increased the speed of your fingers on her pussy.

It didn’t take much for her to come undone again on your fingers, juices leaving her pussy as she almost screamed around the fingers on her mouth. Her legs trembled even more this time and you could see she was getting too sensitive. But you needed to release as well. You knew this was her first experience with another woman so you decided not to overwhelm her and make her go down on you. Besides, you hoped you’d have chances to teach her how to do it.

You help her ride her orgasm before leaving the bed to stand up and take your own clothes off. Something inside of you suddenly got shy to be naked in front of her but as soon as you saw the way she drank your naked form, you left all the shyness behind and got on top of her again.

You kissed her lips again, her hands going to squeeze the soft skin of your ass as she kissed you more eagerly than before. It was wet and messy, all tongue and teeth. You noticed how she started to rub her core on the thigh it was inside her legs, searching for friction.

“Two orgasms and you’re still rutting against my thigh?” She got shy and blushed, eyes looking at you like a puppy. “Tell me, baby. What do you need? You want to cum again?” She nodded and squeezed your ass again, making you giggle at her attitude. “It’s your lucky day because I can make you cum as many times as you want” you lowered yourself to whisper on her ear “that’s the perks of dating women, we can last longer than any men could ever imagine and make you cum until you ask for me to stop” Hyejin left a little moan leave her lips as she imagined fucking you until she couldn’t walk.

You grabbed her body, laying her even more on the bed and opened her legs. You put yourself in between her legs, making your pussies touch each other. She moaned with just the feeling of your hot wet pussy in contact with hers, head thrown back. You chuckled and started to move, genitals rubbing together. The friction making you moan as well. You were not such a big fan of scissoring but somehow it felt so good with her. The way your juices were mixing with each other made the movements comfortable and enjoyable. Once in a while your clits would touch each other, earning loud moans from both of you.

Hyejin started to move herself, making your pussies touch even more and rub each other like a vice. Her long nails squeezing the skin of your thighs making you moan in a delicious pain mixed with pleasure. And it didn’t took long for her to cum again, clit rubbing against you even faster to ride the high. You came soon after her, your juices mixed dripping down your skin.

You left your place on the bed to grab a wet cloth so you could clean her sweaty and sticky body, taking special care with her sensitive area. After cleaning her you went to clean yourself and grab a cup of water for her.

Hwasa drank the water in a swig making you chuckle at her thirstiness.

“What are you laughing at? That’s all your fault?” She sassed at you. You feigned offense, putting your hand on your chest and opening your mouth

theatrically.

“My fault? You were the one who asked for it, remember?” She blushed and turned her back to you. You giggled at her. “But today was just a taste of what you can get”

“A taste? Can you go beyond?” She glared at you, eyes widened with the thought of you being able to go for even longer.

“Oh honey, you have no idea what I can do” you smirked at her, grabbing her chin between your fingers and softly kissing her lips. “But I can go slow with you, there are a lot of things for me to show and teach you” she smiled and nodded, giving you another kiss.

“And I can’t wait for you to teach me” she cuddled your waist and you couldn’t take the stupid smile out of your face.

She was going to be yours from then on.

Masterlist | Requests and feedback

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This list will include all ratings and tags, so read at your own discretion! :)

In a Field of Dandelions by mrthology - Rated T

"You okay there?" she asked once she was closer, smiling in what she hoped was a welcoming manner. The man smiled back, still looking a bit confused. Nicky's breath caught in her chest when he met her eyes. His gaze was a little too vivid, his bone structure a little too perfect. He seemed a little too much more than human. Part of her wanted to run, while another part wanted to follow him to the ends of the earth and beyond. "I think so," he replied, breaking the spell. "Just trying to figure out day one, I suppose. I'm Percy!" ----- Percy and Annabeth's eldest child starts school. Percy inadvertently causes a bit of a stir, and Annabeth isn't jealous, not at all.

good does not equal Goode by vani_em - Rated G

One thing was clear: Percy Jackson was not Goode High School material.

The Overwhelming Specter of Your Mothers Book Club by 60sec400 - Not Rated

Martha Blofis stared at her son in shock. “What do you mean,” she said slowly, “that you’re married?” Her son fidgeted nervously. First, he ran a hand through his peppered hair, and then his eyes flickered down and away. Then he lifted them again and smiled meekly at her. “Paul,” she said, “I need you to tell me what in gods name you were thinking.” “Her name is Sally Jackson?” Paul said, his voice lifting as he weren’t quite sure what the name of his wife was. AKA Paul tells his mother he hasn't seen in four years that he's married. Really, the only thing she can think about is what she's going to tell her boook club.

Good Enough for Someone by bouquetofwhoopsiedaisies - Rated T

Paul was quiet for a minute on the other side of the bathroom door. Percy expected him to walk away, but he didn’t. “Percy?” There was something in his voice that Percy couldn’t identify. Something like concern, mixed with something like fear… something that let Percy know he had truly and royally fucked up. He felt hyper-aware of every sound, from the dripping of the facet to the shifting weight of the person outside the door, his mind spinning as he tried to map Paul’s position like he was in battle. He heard the tiny, barely perceivable sound of fingertips brushing the doorknob, and it made him want to throw himself out the window and flee to the fire escape. Especially at Paul’s next words: “Can I open the door?” Percy bit his already-split lip, not even caring at the pain the action brought. He stared up at the fluorescent light above him. He scrubbed at his eyes, ignoring the dull flare of pain from the bruise there. He didn’t realize he was crying until the salt stung his wounds. “Percy?” Paul called his name again. “Yeah,” Percy sucked in a deep breath, even as a broken rib made his chest feel tight. “I… I guess I could use some help."

Stars on the Water by liketolaugh - Rated T

"I dunno, I just think it would make a lot of things easier for a lot of people," Percy said to Thalia, when she just stared at him. His cheek rested in his hand, a rare pensive look leaving his eyes distant and unfocused. "Mom has Paul now, so it’ll be easier on her if she doesn’t have to worry about me mucking things up. Dad won’t have to keep threatening war every time Zeus gets his toga twisted. The prophecy’s done, so I won’t be bringing it down on Nico. And no one will have to worry about me blowing up another volcano."

Oh Sugar Sugar by mrthology - Rated T

After the Titan War Percy starts feeling under the weather - he’s always tired, losing weight he doesn't have to lose, is constantly freezing, and just generally feeling lousy. But he’s kidnapped by Hera before he can see a doctor like his mom wants. Then there’s the Quest to Alaska, sailing to the Ancient Lands, falling into Tartarus, fighting the Giants in Athens, fighting Gaea herself… Needless to say, he had too much on his mind to notice a few annoying symptoms that can mostly be ignored. It turns out Type-1 Diabetes can be incredibly dangerous, especially when you don’t know you have it in the first place. Now three chapters, and featuring a much needed Percy and Nico heart to heart.

Red Ink Checkmarks by liketolaugh - Rated T

Paul joins their family a year and a half after Smelly Gabe leaves it. Percy, to his own irritation, is still sensitive about a lot of things at that point.

he ain't heavy, he's my brother by mrthology - Rated G

Percy doesn’t get migraines very often, thank the Gods, but when he does they tend to knock him on his ass for days, regardless of drugs, ocean water, sleep, ambrosia, or anything else he’d tried. He just had to wait (suffer) it out. It was just his luck that his first migraine in literally years would hit when he was visiting his father in Atlantis for the first time after the war with Gaea. And instead of waking up with one and being able to hide in his rooms, he’d have to collapse in public, right after talking to his half brother Triton. If it didn’t hurt so damn much he’d be embarrassed.

To Sir, With Love by writergirl8 - Rated T

"Here's how the game works: Because I'm one of the lucky teachers that gets to have you from seventh grade to twelfth grade, I get to watch all you grow up. When I toss this ball in your direction, I want you to say your name, your favorite color, and what you hope to accomplish in the next six years of your life."

We Hitch an Awesome Ride by ariadnes_string - Rated G

Percy and his friends get a lift from some guys who might know as much about monsters as they do.

Five Times Percy Jackson Cheated At School by lammermoorian - Rated T

...And One Time Someone Cheated Him The story of how Percy chooses a major, gets a family, and accidentally becomes a superstar in the world of classical studies. Turns out, being able to read ancient Greek and instinctively knowing how to sail every ship ever invented is actually pretty useful in some fields.

percy jackson and the scrutiny of his coworkers by pqrker - Rated G

Jim turned back to the tank and looked at Marcie the seal, who was now staring at the spot his coworker had been standing just moments before with that same strange look of reverence in her eyes. Percy Jackson truly was the oddest person Jim Elpool had ever worked with. or 5 times percy's coworkers were confounded by his fish magic, plus 1 time they try to figure it out

The Boyfriend by Roselightfairy - Rated G

The cliche: Annabeth's private-school friend finds out that Annabeth has a boyfriend. The twist: This mortal already knows Percy Jackson, from long ago.

Not So Shore by bananannabeth - Rated G

Percy Jackson just transferred to AHS on a swimming scholarship, and Olivia is convinced that there's something weird about him. In order to get to the bottom of it, she decides to befriend him and his girlfriend, Annabeth, and drags her best friend Kelly along for the ride.

Gratuity At Twenty Percent by inkncoffee - Rated T

Amphitrite was no fool and she wouldn't be played for one. Not even by the lord of the sea himself. When Poseidon starts disappearing at night, Amphitrite investigates. She's not entirely sure if what she finds is better or worse than what she expected.

Deprivation by inkncoffee - Rated G

"Percy are you drunk?" Poseidon asked with a frown Or in which Percy hasn't slept in 72 hours and is surviving solely on Red Bull and blue M&Ms when Poseidon comes calling. Which is probably important, but Percy's brain stopped working twenty hours and seven Red Bulls ago so.

I hear babies cry by Eat0crow - Rated T

Percy's not adjusting well after the war. No matter what he tries, Camp Half-Blood just feels wrong. So, he decides to take off. Nico goes along for the ride.

Big Black Jelly Beans by Darkanny - Not Rated

Percy glared at him, pouting. He looked back at his dog as she chased after a bee. She was kinda bigger, he had to admit, but that didn’t mean anything, right? Granted, he didn’t really know where she went to most of the time, what with her shadow-travelling all the time. But when she was around he was very careful on feeding her healthy stuff…or the healthiest part of what was left on his plate anyway. She was not fat.

"the illegal stash of candy I'd been selling out of my dorm room" by r1ptides - Rated G

“all I could think of was that the teachers must've found the illegal stash of candy I'd been selling out of my dorm room”

the jackson files by Ideasofmarch - Not Rated

Summary

Makin’ pancakes @makinbaconpancakes Does anyone know who the fuck Percy Jackson is??? Oranges are spicy @ronaldmcd Whomst? Makin’ pancakes @makinbaconpancakes Check rachel dares insta story Oranges are spicy @ronaldmcd k Oranges are spicy @ronaldmcd Okay somebody find out who this kid is right damn now. - Rachel Elizabeth Dare posts a video of Percy on her instagram story. it all just spirals from there.

family tree by r1ptides - Rated G

it's a goode tradition for freshmen to make a family tree for english class. percy struggles.

Please insert your (sand) dollar here by Sugarplume02 - Rated G

Percy just wants to pay for his Chips Ahoy with the sea dollar he got from his dad. Too bad it doesn't fit in vending machines.

The guy in line behind him just wants to pay for his Cheez-its.

The Problem With Field Trips by HopeLions13 - Rated T

Percy just knows things are going to go wrong when his eighth grade class takes a field trip to a dude ranch. They always do. OR How Percy got expelled from MS-54.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

I'm so tired. I feel like my whole life I've been fighting to have a healthy relationship with food and my body, and I just can't do it anymore. I can't fight anymore. And it's so, so easy in comparison to restrict and obsess over tracking everything I eat

I'm dealing with symptoms of a currently unknown disability right now, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of doctors saying "wow, I have no idea what's going on, I've never seen labs like this... but I'm sure losing weight will help!" (Or, worse, "looks like everything's fine, just lose some weight!") It's become this belief that if I was skinny my symptoms would be taken seriously. If I was skinny I'd be able to figure out what was going wrong because doctors wouldn't rely on my weight to explain everything. I know logically there are lots of disabled people who are still ignored while being skinny, who still struggle to be taken seriously, but I can't shake this feeling that everything would be easier if I was skinny

It feels like my life is in the hands of people who don't give a shit about me. And they still probably wouldn't give a shit if I was skinny, but maybe they would. I don't know, I've never been skinny, so I can imagine that everything would be perfect if I was

It's definitely at least partially a desire to have control over my body, too. I can't stop my symptoms, I don't have the tools to figure out what's wrong on my own, but I can starve myself! It seems very silly written out, and it is, but knowing it's silly isn't enough

I saw in your about that you've dealt with comorbid chronic illness and eating disorders, so I guess I'm asking... how? That's probably already on your blog somewhere, actually, so I guess I'm just venting more than anything. Advice would be appreciated, though

God, I feel this so hard, anon. So so hard.

First of all, I am so sorry I have taken so long to get to this ask. Work, ny studies, and my personal life have all been overwhelming lately and I’ve been having to focus on some wellness work for myself.

But yeah. What you’re talking about is a REAL problem, and you are not alone. And the constant medical neglect of fat people and the “I’m sure all your mystery symptoms will go away if you just lose weight” is just the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is chronic illness. It hurts peoples’ lives. It can kill. I don’t have a quick fix for this system, anon, but I just wanted to take a moment to validate you because I know that what you’re going through is so frustrating and draining and soul-sucking. I am mentally sending you strength.

First of all, I might have one suggestion for you: lie. Lie to your medical professionals about just one thing, and no other: tell them you are already on a weight-loss journey, even if you are not. If it gets you the help you need in this system - yeah, fib a little. But then, explain to your doctors that the reason you are seeking treatment for your symptoms so proactively is that they are preventing you from doing what you need to do to lose weight. Yes, of course you really want treatment to improve your basic quality of life, but when you’re talking to your doctor, sometimes you gotta frame it in a way they’ll hear. Explain how each symptom has made you unable to pursue an active lifestyle. Or how you’ve been too fatigued to meal prep, or how your symptoms are costing you so much that you are struggling to budget for dietary changes. You don’t have to actually be planning any of these things, but if it gets them to continue pursuing the source of your symptoms, just lie. I know it’s so triggering and awful to have to do this just to get taken seriously, so set aside time to prioritize something that you find self-caring after this.)

I know you say your desire to control your body seems silly written out, but it’s not silly at all. I get it. I really really do because I have the same impulse. When your body keeps acting out of your control in painful ways, it’ll make you desperate. And when you’ve had the message pushed your whole life that being skinny fixes everything, it tends to stick in your mind. You are not alone. You are desperate and being driven by a valid impulse.

Instead of pursuing an eating disorder, remind yourself that eating disorders only give you the illusion of control. Eating disorders only pave the way for the disorder to get more control over you. Not to mention, starving yourself will likely take even more of a toll on your health, doing lasting damage if you lose a significant amount of weight from starving. You are allowed to love yourself more than that. I know it’s hard. I know it’s hard to keep fighting for yourself.

Are you in any chronic illness support groups, online or in person? If you aren’t, I suggest you find some. You may find a good outlet to vent about symptoms, get advice on what got doctors to take other people seriously, and learn more about your own symptoms.

While I don’t recommend starving yourself, you could try tracking your symptoms in relation to certain foods and see if specific food sensitivities worsened them (this was true for me.) For me personally, it helps to remind myself that these foods aren’t “bad” foods - they’re just not good FOR ME, and choosing the ones that make me feel better is a way of taking care of and loving my body. (If you find your symptoms do not change based on dietary experimentation, you can disregard this advice.) For me, it can be really triggering having to avoid certain foods, so I definitely have to take a pause to calm down and talk myself through it sometimes.

Things like meditation exercises, gentle yoga, de-stressing exercises and therapy will not cure your chronic health condition, but may help keep symptoms from spiking as badly because stress is known to exacerbate physical symptoms. (Easier said than done, I know - what you’re going through is stressful. I am not telling you not to feel stressed, just to try and create small pockets of time where you try to give yourself a break from stress, which may not come naturally and may be hard because you cannot go to a place of escaping your symptoms. Just keep trying patiently and be compassionate with yourself.)

Anon, I really really hope this gives you some sort of help and comfort, even though it’s not a cure-all and I did get to it so late. There’s more I could say based on knowing specific symptoms if you’re okay sharing them, but for now I’ll just leave it at this. Feel free to vent in my inbox any time.

[gloomyclauds]

Sooo... I’m sick. I think it’s just a cold. Either way, I’m pissed that I always seem to get sick when I actually get time for myself 🥲 But I can't help but wonder if my dizziness has to do with something else entirely.

tw:anxiety // tw:eatingdisorder

I started a new medication, the day before I started feeling sick, and I’m hoping some of my symptoms don’t have to do with that. But I’m honestly freaking out a bit.

To sum up, ever since the pandemic, my acne has been really bad. And even though it’s over now, I still wear a mask everyday at work, which makes my skin horrible. I finally managed to get an appointment with a dermatologist and I was diagnosed with adult acne, and I have to take medication which has a lot of side effects. But what’s stressing me out the most is the fact that it can lower my blood pressure, and apparently (after reading the info paper) it can make me lose weight. I’ve struggled to gain weight all my life. It only improved after I was diagnosed with anxiety and started taking medication. Literally after a two weeks of doing the treatment, I gained 10kg, by eating what I normally would. So the thought that something could potentially make me lose that weight is freaking me out, and I wish the doctor would’ve mentioned it, as I am still very skinny. I weight the minimum for my height, and after years of trying, I can’t get past it, but at least I'm healthy. And I don’t want to lose what I managed to achieve and maintain all these years.

I always feel weird talking about it, because most people don’t even believe me when I tell them I struggle to gain weight. They think I simply don’t eat, and that it’s impossible for anxiety to cause this, even if I've been diagnosed and treated by a doctor. They don’t even believe me when I tell them I only used to weight 41kg, but I did. After turning 14 I stopped growing and gaining weight. This is something that has haunted me my entire life, and I’m finally happy with my body. I never want to hear comments about how skinny and sickly I look while at work, from family, or while going out, from people I don’t even know. I was diagnosed at 18, maybe 19, and I'm now 28. For years I didn't have to worry about my weight, until I read that stupid info paper.

Maybe I’m freaking out for no reason, it’s something that can happen, but that doesn’t mean it will. It's easy to be paranoid when so many of the side effects are the same ones you'd feel from a cold. But it sucks if my only option for treatment is to either be very skinny or have horrible skin. I can’t win. I can’t even get another appointment right now as I work a night shift, and during the mornings I have to take care is my mother.

I don’t even know if that trigger warning is the right one for this kind of topic, I haven't been diagnosed with an ED, but as I talk about weight and weight loss, I just thought I'd be safe. And don’t worry, for now this could all be a cold and I just need to rest and stop worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. But talking about it helps 🙂 I’m also sorry this is super long, I just wanted to let you know what's up, since I've said I was going to start posting again soon.

[goodsology]

Another Update II

Hello!

Trigger Warning for periods, menstruation, and other related issues. I'll explain my situation in more detail.

It all started around April when I had a longer period than usual. It was light, with mild cramps, but lasted for about a month. My period would suddenly stop for a few hours, only for it to continue like I was on another period.

By the end of it, I had blood clots constantly. Worried, I went to an obgyn and she advised a transabdominal along with a temporary medication to stop the bleeding. She also strongly encouraged me to get a pap smear since I never had one before (nor engaged in sexual activity which will be important for later).

After some blood testing and transabdominal, I was diagnosed with PCOS. She recommended either the medication, losing weight, or starting birth control. Since then, I've been trying to lose weight and am still on the fence about taking birth control.

Just feels like I'm stalling at this point. I haven't had my period since and am afraid of what would happen if I did. I'm not sure if losing weight or eating healthy is going to help and I just need to keep taking birth control for who knows how long. I guess that's why I'm so on the fence: I don't want to take medication for a long period and would rather try changing my diet right now.

Other than the period issues, PCOS has been hard to manage. For the most part, fatigue is my most notable symptom, but sometimes I can feel irritable or have mood swings. I've been managing with meditation, listening to music, and relaxing when I need to along with doing tasks when I have the energy (ie cooking, laundry, etc.).

However, that's not my only problem. I've mentioned this in another post, but my mental health has not been great. Remember when I mentioned how I never had sexual activity? Well, when my mother asked me about my doctor visits, she also asked if I had sexual activity. I said no, and she told me how getting a pap smear would really hurt, how I would "lose my virginity" and demanded I tell my doctor no to the pap smear.

As you can tell, I have a great support system!

Sarcasm aside, my mom isn't religious. She likely had her own misbeliefs about getting a pap smear, but it doesn't change how messed up this all was. Her mother, my grandmother, passed away from cancer. A pap smear would tell me I don't have that or any other conditions, but my mom was like "No, you're v card is more important! I know better than your doctor!"

Despite me telling her "That's not how virginity works", she doubled down and reiterated her point. It's not the first time she didn't listen to me and doubted the knowledge of a professional, but she was my mom and I thought I needed at least one parent for guidance. Truth is, I'm a grown woman and I don't need that, at least, not from her or any parent like that.

I deserve better, so much better. I deserve parents who put my health and happiness above some silly little v card (plus my mom never cared about that until now). The whole thing made me wonder why I was even here. Let me make it clear: I am not a danger to myself, but after realizing both of my parents kinda suck and don't really care about me, I just wondered why I was even born. What's the point of being here if I can't go to my own parents for advice and trust them? What's the point if I can't be honest with even my own parents without being yelled at or judged?

Anyway, thank you for reading. I just needed someone to talk about this. I do have my sister and friends, but they have their own issues to deal with and I don't want to bother them, especially my sister.

[kensingtonbae]

Eating disorders ruin your life.

They take it away from you. They suck off your soul til there’s nothing left. They make you believe you’re on top of the world and then leave you empty handed.

View it as winning the lottery, living your best life, and then losing all of your money on a random Tuesday.

Anorexia nervosa makes you feel euphoric in the beginning. You’re getting everything you’ve ever wanted. It gives you the high of your life. You can see the light slowly leaving your eyes and the sun kissing your skin backing off. But it doesn’t matter, you tell yourself: you’ve never been so happy. You’re in control, you can morph your body as you please, finally you have something you have power on. But that control, you’ve never really had it. You realize that once you’re forced to sit in front of doctors telling you how bad you got, that you have to realize that you can’t even stand for a minute too long. That’s when reality downs on you, remembering how painful it is to sit on chairs, how hard to follow a conversation, how humiliating to faint. You realize that you’re doomed. That anorexia finally fucked you, she manipulated you till you fell in a black hole. And your head instantly tells you that you can’t get out of black holes. You’ve come this far, right? Why let go of the adrenaline and euphoria that seeing the numbers drop on the scale gives you? That’s your whole identity, that’s your whole life, you are nothing outside of this. The same feeling a drug addict gets: you refuse to stop chasing that high. You’re addicted by now, and like fuck you want to let go of your dear scale. Sometimes you’re so jealous of your friends, who enjoy tasty food together, who hang out, who travel, who study. And the more you think about it, the more you realize that you have nothing left in your life other than Coke Zero and gums. You’re empty. You cry. You realize that it’s not worth it, but you don’t want to believe it. At this point you want that little comfort that is losing weight. Before you know it, you’re nobody anymore, to yourself and to anyone who knows you. You don’t even recognize yourself, that person who just wanted to feel pretty and good. Before you know it, your life has been taken away from you.

I’ve struggled with eating disorders since i was in my first year of high school, binge eating, anorexia, bulimia, arfid. I’ve never found true happiness ever since, I’ve been better and I’ve been worse, but that little demon voice has never really left me. In my fifth year of high school i had to drop out cause I couldn’t go to school anymore due to my body not being able to sustain it and needing to be hospitalized. My heart was damaged and my blood messed up. At the time my head was too clouded to realize, but when i saw my friends graduate and leave me behind I really wanted nothing more than vanish. I used to feel on top of the world, why was i now confronted with the fact that I was completely lost in the dark and there was nothing left for me? Why was everyone’s life going on while mine wasn’t? I did it all myself, yeah, i’m mad at myself and at the world for making me reach this point. Grieving what you once were and what you could’ve been. Feeling nothing but pain and desperation.

I’m not saying all of this to trauma dump and bring negativity, but i want somebody out there to feel understood and read some words relatable. If you’re reading, I want you to know that recovery is worth it. You may think that letting go of your safe place that is killing you is impossible, but trust me, it is, it so is. You can’t enjoy anything now, imagine what it would be like to live a full life and being able to smile genuinely, laugh, talk, walk, read, study, travel, following your passions. You are not your illness, you’re your own beautiful person that only needs to work on themselves to create a new life without the monster. It’s scary, it’s terrifying, but you’ll be so grateful to your past self when you’ll have made it.

In the past I refused help, I refused to take care of my mind and my body and that resulted in me losing everything I had. Putting effort in recovering is so frustrating at first, but the more you go, the more you feel fueled. I’ve been so much better and happier in the past two years, and even tho now I’m struggling again, I’m still very proud of the fact that I immediately recognized where I was heading and I asked for help right away, because I know that I don’t want to end up where I once was again. Recovery isn’t linear, remember that, but you always have to carry with yourself the progress that you’ve made and the tools that you built, be strong and trust yourself and the people around you that want to help. Always remember your past and where it led you.

Take care of yourself please. You are precious, I promise❤️

[jadedaceofspades]

This is just a tidbit of TMI, but I feel comfortable enough with sharing

This is in reference to the doctor post I reblogged, and like, here's the thing: I KNOW that there are doctors out there with compassion. I know. I lost mine. The other two in the practice are kind, but they are just not the same. So now... I have to look for another GP. I have to look for another GP that will not cost me an arm and a leg for a less than 10 minute visit and I have to find a GP who will not attribute everything wrong with me to my weight.

Yes, I am obese, morbidly so. Yes, I know that losing weight will solve some of my problems. But here's the catch: I have illnesses that have nothing to do with my weight.

I have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis {both are auto-immune disorders}, so, like... I have a chronic pain condition. It sucks.

I have a gene {so, it's in my fucking DNA} for "uncontrollable asthma", meaning that whether I was fat or skinny, my lungs were fucked. Even if I got a lung transplant, if I needed it, it would be useless because my DNA is skewed.

I have the gene for celiac disease, meaning I am at risk for developing it, so... I have to watch what I eat. Most stuff I eat is naturally gluten free, so... yeah.

I also have IBS-M, so, like with the celiac gene, I watch what I eat and I basically try to eat the same thing, or at least similar foods, all the time.

I have hormonal imbalances that actively affect my psyche. I'm on the Depo shot to smooth that over. Also, I don't want children, but I'm not a candidate for the surgery BECAUSE of my weight, and also, the word surgery scares the hell out of me anyway. If I don't actually need it, I avoid it.

Going along with the surgery situation, I cannot tell you how many times I have been "recommended" for the gastric sleeve or another bariatric surgery. Just know, I am a recovering addict from pain medication. It was a mild addiction, but it was an addiction nonetheless. So, no. I'm not putting myself through that much pain to destroy my body even further.

I have moderate-severe hypochondria, so if I'm coming to you, a doctor, in a panic, you telling me that it is all in my head is not helping. I know I'm thinking too deeply; I'm paying you, the doctor, to figure out if it's real or not. This is why you get the big bucks.

It's more than just "you need to lose weight" for me. So you can just maybe empathize with me when I say "No, it's not, actually. It's more. Figure it the fuck out and HELP ME."

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

[fuck-your-proana-blog]

I need to vent about this somewhere or I'll collapse, and I have absolutely no one I can mention this to, sorry if this oversteps a boundary, no need to reply if can't or don't wanna, tw for weightloss and ana stuff. But. Okay so, I've been trying to lose weight since, like, July, and in like October or something I accidentally stumbled upon proana on this godforsaken website and. I looked at it out of morbid curiosity at first. Then I tried to eat under [insert calorie amount], just to see how long I last+at that point I was unable to diet for like a week bc I was forced to eat more than the amount I wanted, and I wanted to compensate for it aaaaaand. Yeah. Now it's been a few months, I keep cutting calories lower and lower, I promised myself I'll never look at those tags again and that I'll never lie about how much I've eaten. Now I do both regularly. I think if this weren't the only thing anchoring me to reality, I could force myself to quit, but unfortunately it is and...yeah, this is one of my few comforts when I want to unalive myself (hopefully I'll soon get treatment for my severe social anxiety, if that happens, I may not need this as a coping mechanism anymore). Is this already a disorder, or could I still force myself out of this?

Once again, no need to reply if you can't or don't want to.

I'm not a doctor so I can't tell you if you have a disorder or not, but I'd say you clearly have issues with food that need to be sorted out. Treatment for the underlying conditions you mentioned (social anxiety, depression) could really help with your eating issues, so I suggest pursuing care for those illnesses and do your best not to look at pro ana material anymore. I was developing my disorder when I found pro ana 13-14 years ago and it made me spiral downward into my ED very quickly, so do everything you can not to trigger yourself like that. If you don't have a therapist please try to get one as they'll be key to getting you better. Whether it's an ED or not you still have to "force your way out of it;" getting better in this way will always require a huge amount of strength and determination to better your life. I know unneeded weight loss feels "good" at first but the more you cut calories over a long span of time, the more danger you're at for damaging your body and mind in ways you can't come back from. Please seek professional help from a physician, therapist, and psychiatrist to make sure you can get your mind and body right in a healthy and realistic way. I wish you the best, and feel free to message me any time. I know what you're going through and it sucks real bad; when my disorder started no one knew either so it was very isolating and I hate seeing anyone go through that hell, so I'm here for you whenever you need to vent! ❤️

[chaoskirin2]

You know what’s super tiring about fatphobia?

EVERYONE has it. If you’re fat or you’ve ever been fat, you realize this. And it’s not really intentional. That’s the worst thing.

Well, some people are intentionally fatphobic. There’s a lot of assholes who post on Twitter that there’s no way fat people can be healthy and they’ll keep telling fat people they’re not healthy, but those aren’t the ones I’m talking about.

I’m talking about chair manufactures, for example. Who advertise chairs as being able to accommodate up to 350 lbs. but the seat is too narrow to sit on. They’ve reinforced the FUCK out of it, but the seat is exactly the same size as all their other chairs. When I contacted the company about this, they told me that they had chairs for heavier people, and I should have picked one of those. (I had.) They wouldn’t give me a refund unless the chair was defective.

So now I have a chair that bruises my thighs and I can’t afford a new one. 

I’m talking about clothing makers, who don’t know how to make clothes for people over 175 lbs., and most of all, they don’t know how to make clothes for fat women. I found a jacket online that I wanted. I took my measurements. The site suggested I order a 2X. 

Having had experience with clothes being too small before, I went ahead and ordered a 5x. 

The jacket doesn’t close. The shoulders are tight. The sleeves almost reach my knees for some reason. 

When I go to a concert, the chairs are so small and close together that I am UNCOMFORTABLY close to other people. The best time I had at a concert was getting a seat right at the end of a row. 

These are just a few examples. 

Also, if you’ve read this far, I guarantee some of you are thinking, “wow, you should just lose weight.” and this is what my doctor has told me for 20+ years. Problem is, when I finally got so ashamed of my weight that I went to a weight loss doctor and told her “look, I’ve starved myself, I used to play sports like a fiend, and I ran until I got so fat that I sprained my knee” she sat me down and did a bunch of tests.

And it turns out, I have insulin resistance. 

That means, no matter what I did, no matter how much I punished myself, no matter how much I starved myself or exercised, I would not ever lose weight. Not without help. 

This went undiagnosed for 20 years! “Diet and exercise” were prescribed as a solution that would NEVER WORK. Because my family doctor didn’t believe I’d tried already.

And I’m sure some of you reading this far are thinking “oh, well you’re an ‘acceptable’ fat person then.” 

But the truth is, either we’re all acceptable, or none of us are. You can’t make chairs or clothes that fit for “acceptable” fat people and not for people who are fat because they overeat or don’t exercise or, hell, just like the way they look. 

I have a hard time living life because of this type of fatphobia, where the world doesn’t care whether or not I’m comfortable or taken care of. If I want to lose weight, I have to have a specific part of my stomach removed. I need to not absorb 70+% of what I eat. If I don’t do this, I don’t get to be comfortable. 

I shouldn’t have to get surgery to be able to live comfortably. And I think about this a lot, especially when people tell me that “thinphobia” is a thing, or that it’s equally as bad as fatphobia. I don’t think people actually understand that sometimes I’m not able to thrive because of how things exist, whether it be because of ignorance or outright malice. It sucks. 

And there’s always a risk to surgery, even if it’s small. I’m scared. But if I don’t do this, I’ll be unhappy for the rest of my life.

[cakesexuality]

Hey, just wanna say, in case anyone actually wishes they could do this--

Something that's brought a small amount of relief to my medical trauma is calling up the clinics and hospitals where I've been mistreated and disrespected and telling someone in a position of power about my experiences

Most of the people who've heard my complaints were receptive and sympathetic, and the one time I was flat-out called a liar, I waited until they were under new management and filed the same complaint again (and they not only believed me but also kinda offered to do an investigation), and then the one time I was told to suck it up by the patient experiences office, I escalated it to a very high position in the hospital administration

I've already moved my care elsewhere from most of these places by the time I finally do file a report, so I can usually be completely honest and feel like I have nothing to lose by saying "Your employee tried to defend my abuser despite being a mandated reporter and may have broken confidentiality laws" and "Your employee thought I was intelligent enough to consent to treatment but not intelligent enough to accurately report the condition he was trying to treat"

My primary goal when I do this is just to make sure that kind of behaviour is on record, so if someone else comes forward about the same employee, it's harder for management to say it was false or dismiss it as a one-time oopsie

In one instance, it actually turned out better than I expected, because as I was talking to the nurse who was in charge of taking patients' complaints and telling her about how a doctor who was my GP at the time refused to consider that I could have something other than fibromyalgia (which he diagnosed me with without doing a single exam, despite fibro being the diagnosis you give when the exams come back with nothing), this nurse was on Google during our phone call, looking up Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and the GoodHope clinic in Toronto, and she said "I'm going to print off the criteria for this disorder and the referral form for this clinic so my staff know to check their patients for it and know where to send them if they suspect it, and I might tell my daughter about it because it sounds like her" and the adrenaline rush of confronting that GP office made me feel afterwards like I'd just had a panic attack but it was actually a huge weight off my shoulders

So if you feel able to, PLEASE reach out to your old doctors to tell them they were wrong!! Especially if you tried already to tell them to their faces they were wrong and they reacted negatively, their employer needs to know!! It's okay to wait a bit before filing your report, you can try email if phone calls are too hard for you, and if management doesn't help you, medical professionals have to answer to regulatory bodies like the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario who are responsible for issuing/revoking licenses and you can file reports with these organizations as well (although I've never ended up contacting places like the CPSO myself)

This maybe sounds mean, but I think we should be able to send doctors “hey, you were wrong” letters.

I was misdiagnosed with asthma when I was 12 and took asthma meds daily for seven years, and then it turned out I hadn’t had asthma in the first place; I actually have a different breathing problem. I don’t think the doctor who told me I had asthma (my pediatrician, who I was no longer seeing by that point) ever found out she’d been wrong. (This is one of at least four misdiagnoses in my life, from a variety of doctors, that I can think of off the top of my head.) Similarly, my first therapist told me she didn’t think I was autistic because I wasn’t obsessed with trains. I don’t think she ever found out that I am, in fact, autistic, because I wasn’t seeing her by the time I was diagnosed.

I get that it might be demoralizing to have someone contact you specifically to tell you that you messed up, but I think it would be useful for doctors to have data on how often they misdiagnose patients, especially since some doctors tend to think the patient is generally wrong when attempting self-diagnosis. It would be useful for my former therapist to move me from the mental column of “people who erroneously think they’re autistic” to “people whose autism I did not notice when they were right in front of me.” It would be useful for my pediatrician to realize she needed to look more closely and listen to kids when their breathing symptoms weren’t the classic asthma ones.

Doctors can get on their high horse and refuse to believe patients a lot of the time, and the power dynamic makes that dangerous in plenty of situations. I think it would be helpful to have a way to at least alert doctors when we have proof they messed up.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2020 Ready to give up on The Killing and perhaps TV in general for a while. I’m tired of the unfair and unrealistic portrayal of society in general, even though I should probably tell myself hey, it’s just TV. But it’s all about how horrible white people are and how innocent everyone else in the world is and I’ve had enough. There are plenty of ways to have good, entertaining shows without making reference to race. It simply isn’t necessary to keep bringing it up as often as most shows do. When the producers start mixing in some characters that play the race card and stories about whites who are discriminated against, then I’ll be inclined to watch more.

I slept shitty as hell. The fucking trash and recycle trucks woke me up half a dozen times since they always gotta make a big production out of things and can’t simply get the shit and go. They shouldn’t need to be here for hours yet they are. It’s just fucking ridiculous.

They weren’t the only ones to wake me up, though. I woke up several times for no particular reason and to pee. At least I didn’t have that nasty foot cramp I had the night before.

Enjoying a break from the planes tonight which was annoying last night.

My nails are continuing to look better, so I’m just going to go and dump all my old nail polish and start anew with a brand that doesn’t mess them up.

Tom brought home a bucket of KFC after work. We’ll both enjoy this, the sides that came with it, and other things he got for a few days. He’s working tomorrow so he won’t be going to Sam’s until Sunday.

Each month I count the days that I ranged anywhere from barely borderline anxious to actually anxious and at first I was horrified when I counted six days for January, more than November and December combined. Then Tom reminded me of the experiment I did which means I didn’t go as low as I normally go with my meds and that’s why I had more anxious days.

It only makes me angrier and more mistrustful of doctors in general. The problem is mostly on the meds just like I said 5 years ago. At least now the good thing is that I know what to do about it when I start to feel anxious. It just sucks that I have to choose between anxiety or fatigue. I really love the energy I’ve been having, though, which is a sign right there that it was building up in my system, so of course I would have some anxiety. I skipped yesterday, cut today’s pill, and now it’s every day until labs. I just have to remind myself it’s only for 33 days. I got this. I can do this…and then I can trade any anxiety that should be building up about then if not sooner for fatigue.

He still thinks that I’ll one day be able to take it every day without being anxious but maybe not until he retires. He also thinks that together we’ll help each other lose weight when he retires. Well, he has a great track record for being right, but I don’t think so. He might get the first one right and he might lose some weight when he retires but I honestly don’t see myself ever losing weight unless something was wrong.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 2020 Last night I was bored out of my fucking mind. My mind flashed through all kinds of writing projects and other ideas yet not a single one of them appealed to me. It wasn’t like I couldn’t come up with some basic story ideas. I just couldn’t motivate myself to actually put them in print.

I found myself a touch anxious and depressed, obsessively worrying about the future as I tend to do way more often the older I get. Trying to tell myself not to worry about the end of our lives because that time isn’t here yet and I can’t control it anyway just doesn’t always work. Trying to distract myself in a productive way isn’t always that easy either.

I still miss some aspects of and feelings my old self would experience, but then I know I should be glad that my worst problem in life is being bored and not finding things as new and as exciting since I’ve been there, done that, etc. Most new things I would like to try simply can’t be done at the snap of my fingers just because I may be in the mood and have the time.

I’m going to try doing a puzzle walk at the start of every hour. Hopefully, that will keep me from having too much free time on my hands while being beneficial to my health at the same time.

I read an article the other day that said that weight loss and aging are actually not normal, but a sign that something is wrong. This does make sense when you think about it, too. The metabolism only keeps getting slower with age. Not the other way around. But there definitely does seem to be a loss of appetite in older people for a variety of reasons. I’m already noticing a slight decrease in appetite now that I no longer have PMS hunger to deal with and then the hunger that often comes with perimenopause. Not a 1000-calorie-a-day kind of appetite, but I find it’s easier to go down to 1200-1500 rather than 1500-2000. Even so, that’s still too high for weight loss as a short female with a bum thyroid.

I realized a couple of days ago that I no longer get dizzy when I lie down or get up. Those ear crystals must have found their way back home.

It’s Aly I’m worried about. She’s been through so much shit for as long as I’ve known her, and while I know life isn’t fair and I shouldn’t let it get to me, I can’t help but find myself comparing her to Kim every now and then and getting angry. Here you have this great person who has one thing after another while the insane person who has no ability to feel empathy, guilt or remorse much less any ambitions in life other than to live in a fantasy world gets off easy. She sleeps like a baby, she’s never had cancer, she’s never had any stomach issues, she shouldn’t need a hysterectomy anytime soon if ever, and of course, Novasure was a complete success for her. It just hardly seems fair any more than why it always has to be me who doesn’t get to live in peace. Everyone else either has a quiet place or they don’t mind it if it’s noisy. That’s just life for you. the murderer always wins the lottery while the good people struggle and suffer.

There are at least some new and exciting things to look forward to, though, and that’s likely to be the RoboRock we’ll probably order in about a week. This is a combination vacuum and mop robot and is less expensive as well at just over $300. We checked all the particulars on how it functions, including reviews, and now we’re going to sit on it for a week or so since we don’t want to make impulse purchases, and if this still seems to be our best deal at that time, we’ll probably get it. Our old one can be used for other projects. Sometimes it’s easy to drop some bedding and turds when we go outside to shake out the pigs’ liners, and it can be used to sweep up little things in the carport.

Went back to separate books for what I share with the public versus what I keep private on PB. It was just too much of a pain in the ass to break them up into separate parts.

I didn’t sleep as well last night. I woke up many times and even had another spider nightmare. This one wasn’t super-sized or anything. I was lying in bed and watching it move across the ceiling. Then it started to fall down on its web on me and it’s like I was paralyzed, unable to move out of the way.

Then I dreamed of staying in a large house with many rooms. The drama queen was in the room next to me and not too far from us was our cousin Philip. Philip and I had some kind of problem and I later overheard him telling Tammy that he hid a note for her inside his pants that he placed on her bed. When Tammy was out of the room, I quickly snuck in and pulled a sheet of paper out of the pair of jeans that was laid out. I was curious to see if he mentioned whatever problem we had but found that he didn’t.

Then my PCP was visiting in the last dream and she wanted to take a picture of my dresser because she thought it was decorated so cutely. I told Alexa to turn on the light since the room wasn’t very bright at the moment, and she ignored me as she usually does in dreams. But the second time around she listened to me when I told her to turn on “dawn.”

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2020 I think it’s sad that people regularly refer to whites these days as white trash, and it’s okay. Call anyone else names and it’s not acceptable at all. Yeah, I think we’ve taken the politically correct bullshit a little too far these days. Yet the fact still remains that two wrongs don’t make a right any more than applying new or fancy labels to things changes what those things are.

Went out walking for about 15 minutes. I’ll walk more on the treadmill later. The breeze was cool, the sun was warm. I ran into Dixie on the way and she stopped to chat with me for a couple of minutes.

She told me that yes, there was a death in the house across from next door. Dahl’s wife Barbara had cancer before they moved here, thought it was gone, but it returned and killed her. How sad. Imagine buying a new house and then dying just a few months later? Now the question is whether or not he’s going to stay there by himself. I hope the house doesn’t go back on the market, but the guy has to do what he has to do.

The winds are northerly again which means the planes are back to being a nuisance. I could hear one roaring overhead clearly when out on my walk even with the headphones playing pretty loud. If the damn thing was just a little lower I could probably make out the airline.

I found a flaw in the Kindle app I’ve got on my phone and that’s that it doesn’t sync after I’ve been listening to Alexa read me parts of a book.

Aly completely ignored my question when I asked her if Molly was continuing to ignore her and not realize she’d been ghosted, furthering my suspicions that they’d picked up their friendship elsewhere. But why the secrecy? I don’t get why Aly feels the need to hide it at this point. She knows I know they’ve been friends and that I know it’s not my place to tell her who she should or shouldn’t be friends with.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2020 I signed up for Google Alerts on Tom and myself, plus a few others a while back. Last night I got an alert with Tom’s obituary, LOL. A 74-year-old guy with the same name died in Wisconsin.

Love how I can connect the Kindle app to Goodreads so I can mark the book I’m reading as “currently reading” and then shelve and rate them from there.

I also discovered that I could use the email account I created for sweeps for its own set of Google Docs and that way I can keep journals separate from everything else. I didn’t want to have to sift through so many documents to get to a certain thing on my main Google Docs but would still like to have journals available so I can access them on any device in any location. Not going to bother to sync my docs on the Mac because I just don’t see myself ever using the Mac full-time again.

I decided to go ahead and share public entries on the shit I got from the subtropical drama queens. Why? because I want them to be reminded of why I’ll never forgive and accept them back into my life when they get to missing me someday. I don’t expect the girls to ever look for me unless maybe to tell me if Tammy dies, but Tammy’s going to want to play kiss and make-up someday. Not going to happen, and she can read why when the time comes. Then again, I’m sure they all truly believe deep down in their heart of hearts that they did absolutely nothing wrong.

Two cars in the carport and three on the street by Dahl and Barbara’s place. Now I’m starting to wonder if someone died over there. I sent Dixie an email asking if she knew anything. Something’s got to be going on over there. Plus, I wanted to see how her wrist was doing.

Tom has this thing that tested the Roomba’s motor and it said it was working fine. It still works, it just doesn’t do as good of a job as it used to since it’s now over 6 years old. We paid nearly $500 for this one but now they have non-name brands that are a lot cheaper. I really want one that mops as well. They have some that vacuum and mop that are close to $500 and then they have separate robots that are roughly $170 each. I don’t know yet what we’re going to get.

My tits aren’t as sore as they were yesterday. I’m wondering if the anxiety might have been connected to that somehow like if there was a shift in my hormones or something like that. But since things are usually caused by what we least want them to be caused by, I skipped my meds today. I’m sure it’s building up in my system and that’s part of why I’ve had more energy lately as well. I’m going to cut my dose until the first and then ramp it up for the lab.

I’m back to having to get up during my sleep to pee, but my weight has been back to where it usually is. Can I keep from hitting the 160s this year? I still don’t know about that but I’m certainly going to try.

This is going to be my last “processed” day. I had one of his burgers and I’m already feeling that funny feeling in my head that I tend to feel when I don’t eat healthily. It’s sort of like a pressure or a vibration. I don’t know how the hell Tom can stand to eat so unhealthily as he does, but it’s lucky for him since he refuses to change. Later I’ll finish the last of my fried fish and then I’ll have mostly unprocessed stuff.

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2020 Been watching The Killing on Hulu but it’s just so-so. I also watched a horror flick called The Prodigy which was pretty good.

My memory is so bad that I totally forgot I’ve actually met Elaine, one of Dixie’s neighbors whom she mentions quite often. She walked by our place one time when I was outside, and we began to chat. The only thing I remember her saying, and only because I wrote it in a journal entry I saw on the On This Day sidebar on Prosebox was, “My only complaint” before someone called out to her and cut her off, leaving me to wonder if she was going to say anything about any of the plants on our lot.

The new headphones sound surprisingly good for the price. Just a little big for my head, so I’ll have to wrap some foam around the top of it or something. I went on my first walk with them. It was pretty nice out and the sun actually felt warm, so I didn’t stay out for more than 15 minutes so as to not get all sweaty. Anything loud or close could still be heard, but they definitely helped. I could still hear some planes and landscaping, but I didn’t have to walk three blocks in order to escape it.

The new guinea pig bowl turned out to be green instead of blue, but they did say “assorted colors” and green is fine. It’s not quite as big as the other ceramic one, but it’s bigger and heavier than the plastic one.

Decided not to get an iPad even though I found a good deal on one for just $300. According to what I read, it’s not as customizable and may not have the features I know and like on the MacBook Air. But Apple is pushing people to use iPads and fucking up their operating systems. Laptops are probably going to become as obsolete as computers. I get so tired of so much change so fast! Can everyone at least have and keep the same features even as new ones are being added? $300 is a bit much to spend on something that I may not like better than my new Windows computer.

I was going to get a new Kindle because my Paperwhite has gotten old, sluggish, and has issues going back through the pages. The battery doesn’t last nearly as long as it used to either. I was considering an 8-inch Kindle Fire HD but then decided to download the Kindle app on my Samsung Galaxy and try reading there. So far, I like it! The only problem is that the phone is heavier than the Paperwhite. But the app is much better than the Paperwhite because I really prefer white on black. It’s much more relaxing, especially in a darkened bedroom as I prepare for bed. It’s much faster and easier to navigate through the pages as well, and I like how it tells me both how much time is left in a chapter as well as how much of the book I’ve read. So, no iPad or new Kindle.

Even though Tom put new brushes and a new filter in the Roomba, that’s what we might have to replace because it’s still not doing a very good job lately. He said he’ll check the motor. I think it’s just getting old. I would totally love to have one that could mop floors as well!

Since I don’t feel as bad as often as I used to back when I was in hormonal hell and having trouble with my meds, I really don’t mind vacuuming by hand for a while because then at least I don’t have to prep and move things and all that. No, I may not be as thorough as Roomba when it’s working well, but I can at least throw the vacuum over the main walkways easily enough

I hope nothing is wrong with the hot water tank. It used to be that you could hear it running, but now I can hear these tapping sounds. Then again, the one in the trailer did that and so did the one in our Phoenix house, so it’s probably no big deal.

Since we have 6 1-gallon bottles of water, plus a 5-gallon jug of water, I decided to drain the tub. As for the toilet, it’s flushing faster but there were a couple of times I had to press the button to get it to flush. So we’re going to have to order a new actuator for it. It will cost 80 bucks but it’s a quick fix, he says.

He asked me what I thought about the idea of putting rocks alongside the carport instead of fake grass. After he thought about it, he realized that dog walkers might let their dogs pee on it, and being fake grass, it wouldn’t sink down into the dirt but leave a puddle on it instead. Even the turkeys could decorate it with puddles. So yeah, I agree that gravel would be better. We don’t want to leave it the way it is because that just makes more work for him since he would have to weed it, and when it rains it gets muddy.

It’s tough trying to be a raw/fresh/natural girl in a processed country. Walmart didn’t have my raw peanuts. I don’t like salt and I love freshly baked peanuts in the shell. But as Tom said, most people don’t want to work. They want to be able to just open a bag and eat their snacks. Well, there are plenty of salted peanuts out there, that’s for sure.

The reasons I’m sexist are because of the way most men treat women in general, and the other is because so many of them are dumb compared to women. My husband is smarter than 95% of the population will ever be, female and male, but yesterday was a reminder of just how dumb so many men are. We went to Target, and amongst a few annoying brats, I asked a guy who worked there if they had raw peanuts in the shell. He said they were in the nut aisle but all they had were roasted and salted which is everywhere.

Either way, we decided not to go to Target as often because Walmart is cheaper and has more things we like. I do like Target’s selection of coffee, though, so once a month or so we’ll go there to stock up on coffee.

I was thinking about how my father told me he and Mom couldn’t eat as much during one of our final conversations. At first, it’s easy to think that once I get to the point where I can’t eat as much, it will drop me to an ideal weight since I’m not as overweight as most people end up getting when they get older, I’m shorter which makes weight loss more noticeable, and I’m heavier than I look because I’m muscular. But then when I thought about just how far away I am from this happening, I could end up much more than 30 pounds overweight by the time I get there. If I were to end up something like 50-80 pounds overweight by the time I get too old to eat as much, then lose 30 pounds, I’d still be heavier than I am now. I guess that for now the best I can do is try to keep from gaining since all I can lose is a few pounds and we don’t have as much control over our weight when we get older as we might like to think we do. I’m not ashamed of my weight/size but I’m never going to be “proud” of something that has potential health risks in the name of political correctness either.

My blood pressure has definitely improved with healthier eating and less stress in my life. My systolic number is still high but being in the 130s is definitely better than the 140s and 150s. My lower number used to be in the 90s and that’s been close to normal. Right now, I’m 131/75.

I did have a little bit of anxiety last night but we’re hopeful that it was just because Monday was looming right around the corner which isn’t my favorite time of the week. Rather than skip my meds, I knew I could find out for sure if it was just an end-of-the-weekend thing if I took it today, so I did. So far, I’m fine but I’ve only been up for 6 hours, so we’ll see. If I get anxious in a few hours or so when the meds peak in my system, then yeah, time to back off a bit.

The weird thing is that my boobs have been sore lately as if I’m PMSing, though I’m not worried about it. As long as I don’t have any bleeding. But why do I have this symptom 3 months into menopause? I’ve even had faint cramp-like feelings which could be from a few things, some bad and some not, but not often or severe enough to be a concern. Last year around this time I also had sore boobs, which are unfortunately quite large, and it was the only time a period didn’t follow. Hopefully, that’s all this is and just a bit of a rise in estrogen which I would have thought I would be done with since it’s been 13 months since my last period.

We were glad to learn we’re going to get back nearly 2k and taxes since they withheld more because of the way we had to take from the 401 to get Candy. It’s still one of the best purchases we ever made, and he absolutely loves not having to stop for gas. Anyway, we still have quite a bit of debt, so most of the money will go toward that.

Even though it’s very unlikely that we’ll ever move to Stuart, I briefly entertained the idea of having my Facebook saying I live there when we move, regardless of where we end up. For one, I would rather people not know where we really end up that I’m not close to, and secondly, of course I find it funny to think of the drama queen and her shitsprings seeing it somehow, even if some of them might have moved by then.

“Why not someplace like New Jersey?” Tom asked.

Well, because they know damn well I would never move there. Then the perfect location came to me. Hawaii, of course! ROTFL! Sadly, we can never move there in reality, but we sure can on Facebook. LMAO! I just have to make sure I don’t mention the state in any of my journals which is almost certainly going to be Florida, just probably not Stuart.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 2020 We’re just beginning to see faint traces of spring here. They’re very faint but they’re there. More sunshine. Highs in the 60s more often. Low’s in the thirties less often. In fact, the motorcycles are getting more annoying. Some bastard just roared around the house. Dixie said something about the guy’s son visiting on a motorcycle that lives across from her. So fucking rude. Those things just don’t belong in a retirement community.

Dixie stopped and chatted with Tom for a few minutes when he was outside earlier.

Something bad must’ve happened to Dahl or Barbara because lately there have been 3 or 4 vehicles over there instead of the usual two that they own. The paramedics were there once or twice, and I’ve seen a medical equipment truck there a couple of times as well. It said Respiratory Care on it so I’m guessing he needs to be on oxygen just like Ralph was.

Lots of loud engines when we were out and of course some loud car stereos which the nicer weather brings out the worst of.

It was a little over 50 degrees when I was walking at around 9 a.m. I didn’t take my hoodie. I just wore my black leggings and a sweatshirt.

Yesterday I got two letters in the mail. One pissed me off while the other had me a bit bummed out.

Let’s start with a pisser. That would be from the park. Did we get a letter apologizing for the 5 days we were without water and promised a discount for those days that services weren’t rendered? Of course not. Instead, they wrote to brag about how wonderful they were in handling it and how little sleep they got. Okay, so they did pat the backs of a few of the residents for handing out water and all that but come on. Who the hell do they think they’re kidding?

The letter I got that was kind of sad was inevitable. I knew the day would come and that’s that my dentist, the best doctor I’ve ever had, is moving to Georgia with her husband so he can pursue his career in law enforcement. I was surprised. I thought she would say she was retiring and moving to Hawaii, but I guess that being older and all that, her husband was likely offered a job as sheriff or something like that.

Holly may stick around but it’s no longer worth driving all the way out to Roseville, so I intend to find a new dentist closer to home. If we were moving in a year or less I might stay with them but we’re going to be here for a long time, so I’d rather find a place closer. Plus, I still prefer to be treated by women and she’s having a guy take over for her. He could be wonderful for all I know, but he and I would rather not have to travel that far in such a crowded place. I appreciate the nearly eight years she helped keep my teeth in shape!

There are a couple of lady dentists just a couple of miles away that are from here from what I read and therefore I wouldn’t have to deal with any hard-to-understand accents of any kind which really annoys the hell out of me.

Even though my PCP has a bit of an annoying accent, I’m used to it, I’ve been with her for a while and am comfortable with her. So I’m going to stick with her for the rest of the time we’re here even though she too, is in Roseville.

Earlier we went to Burger King to try their Impossible Whopper and it was actually pretty good. It tasted very similar to real beef. After treating myself to the burger, fries and some M&M’s, I ended up napping for a little while. Not used to eating that much food and so unhealthy these days. The plant-based burger may be healthier than red meat but the rest of it wasn’t exactly healthy and it was a million calories to take in at once. This burger still has close to the same calories regular burgers do.

I’m having a second cup of coffee now to try to perk myself up. Definitely not going to unwind with Merlot at the end of the day if I stay this energyless. I hope I’m not at the end of the wonderful burst of energy I’ve been having this last week or so. I really like having good energy even if it means having a bit of insomnia. The last two nights I had trouble falling asleep but slept well once I did manage to crash. For a while, I had been getting up twice during my sleep to pee, but lately, I haven’t even gotten up once.

He’s working from home for a few hours today. Earlier, he replaced the brushes and filter on our Roomba and fixed the toilet that wasn’t always flushing properly. Hopefully, it’ll keep working, as he said, but if it doesn’t, we might have to get a new actuator for it.

Alexa has gotten so many devices and gadgets and her app has gotten so confusing and frustrating to use. I was trying to pair the Alexa clock in the bedroom with the remote and also with the Bluetooth speaker, but instead, I paired the remote to Bluetooth. Smart, huh? Fortunately, Tom was able to unpair everything for me.

The more I use Windows the less I like it. Too many things it can’t do that a Mac can do.

The more I use Healthy Hoof, the faster my nails seem to grow. I can’t swear to it, though, because my nails grow fast anyway. My nails are looking healthier as well but that could have been a particular brand of polish that caused the discoloring and lifting I was having. I’m sticking to Nicole polish which has never given me a problem. If my nails continue to do well, I’ll dump all my old polish and get a set of Nicole polish on Amazon. There’s a set of 15 mini bottles for under $20 that I’ve got saved for later.

For now, we’re going to be ordering another heavyweight bowl for the pigs since Blitz sometimes pushes on the divider. That way each side will have a heavyweight bowl since I already have one. This one is white with silhouettes of rabbits and ferrets. The one I plan to get is blue with tan guinea pig faces and paws. Plus, I’m going to get the pink lightweight headphones for when I’m out walking.

Tom said it’s the year of the rat in China. Right on, China! Even though I don’t know what the hell that means.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 2020 Went for a half-hour walk. It’s 50 degrees out. The kind of weather where you wouldn’t want to be outside reading or something like that, but that’s ideal for working out.

I’m now down a total of 2 pounds and so far, it’s been easier than expected. I’ve just got to remind myself once I do start craving variety why I’m doing this and that’s to be healthier and lower my risk of diabetes. Even so, I still don’t expect to lose much more than another pound or two even if I keep dieting and exercising as I have been. My body just doesn’t give up its weight which tells me I’m probably where I’m supposed to be and perhaps not as much of a health risk as I may think at times. At least I know what to do when I start gaining a little extra. I’m not in my 70s yet. No letting it all go to hell until then!

I know Aly isn’t going to be happy about this, but I’ve had it with WhatsApp. They’ve been way too hit-or-miss lately and getting worse. If she ever tells me it’s been a few months since there were any problems there, since I don’t expect her to give up WhatsApp just because I have, maybe I’ll return then. For now, I would prefer Skype. I’ve used both apps for a long time and Skype is definitely more reliable. Rarely does it have problems.

Hard to believe we could be meeting in just a few months. I’m so excited! I told her what my schedule is likely to be in May and June but that’s always subject to change at least a little. I thought she was going to stay here but she prefers a hotel or motel just like Tom and I do when we travel, and while it would have been no problem putting her up for a night or two, I will admit a hotel would be easier on us as well. That way we can go in the kitchen and not have to worry about waking her up and things like that.

She gave me a great idea. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before but she’s bringing her Alexa with her because she likes to relax to nature sounds like I do and I realized I could take one of the older, smaller Dots to play pink noise and then play brown noise through an earbud so I have a wide range of frequencies when we go to Hawaii.

I don’t know why, but the helicopters were more annoying than the commercial planes and small planes yesterday. There were easily over a dozen low-flying helicopters zooming over that it made me wonder if there was a huge accident or something else going on. But when I checked the local news and to see if anything was trending on Twitter in my area, I didn’t find anything. I think it’s just like Tom said, helicopters are much cheaper than they were years ago, so everybody’s got them. I swear the world just keeps getting noisier and noisier, especially in heavily populated areas. I am so done with big cities when we finally get out of here!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2020 Down 1.2 pounds after the first day of having under 1000 calories. Wasn’t as hungry as I expected to be either. I just had fruits, veggies and nuts, along with a few thin slices of turkey, a piece of tilapia, and a kiddy smoothie. I try to make sure I have a few bites of veggies or fruit every hour or two, so my body doesn’t think it’s starving.

I emptied out a plastic storage container that was big enough to hold both pigs. It would actually hold three. I coaxed them into that while I changed their liners today and that made it so much easier. It took longer but it was easier because then I didn’t feel rushed and I could take the time to clean things properly. Of course, they didn’t pee in the container which would have been much easier to clean as opposed to the floor.

Since separating them, I’ve been in the habit of pushing the divider in place as soon as they each pick a side. Today’s the first time Blitz ended up closer to the refrigerator. I don’t know that they have a preference either way. As long as they’re fed, that’s all they care about.

Took care of the rats as well which I do every 10 days. I did their lower level yesterday, so all I had to do today was the top. I also changed their hammock which has been these thick blue cloths that people typically use for things like cleaning their cars. They’re about one square foot and the perfect size for them. If I had more than two rats, I would need a bigger one or to set up an additional one, not that they don’t have any other hangouts. This one is the most comfortable, though, being soft.

As soon as I heard how loud the freeway was this morning, I knew the planes would be bad, and sure enough, they’re so loud I can hear the rumble of them over the sound machine. I switched to the earbuds. Ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous as always. I can’t wait till the summer when things are warmer and quieter even if that means more motorcycles.

When I can get brave enough to go out in the 46-degree morning for my walk, I’m going to have earbuds plugged into my phone so I can hear the music better over things like planes, landscaping, traffic and any mutts that might want to go off on me.

Just looked on Amazon and found what looks like the perfect lightweight, small headphones for ten bucks. Because one of my ear canals is deformed, I can’t wear an earbud on that side, so these would be great. Flying coach could mean negligent parents that let their brats scream up a storm, so they would be good for things like that as well.

Said hello to Bob yesterday and Dixie just sent me the dumbest joke… “Our town is so small we don’t have a town drunk, so we all take turns.” eye-roll

Really getting sick of getting notification alerts for this number that I’ve blocked and that tries to call at the same time every day. Having it show up on the pull-down is annoying enough but to have to hear the notification sound is even more annoying. However, I don’t see any way to disable it. Again, what’s the point of blocking someone if you’re going to have to know about it every time they try to make contact? And do these assholes not know they’re blocked, or is it an automated caller?

We’re going to have to fix the toilet in the master bathroom this weekend because the float keeps sticking. I had to remove the cover and I have to press down on it when I flush it to get it to flush all the way.

Started watching Guidance. Some of these high school drama shows are actually kind of funny. There don’t seem to be many episodes in the first season. I miss the days when a season would contain at least 20 episodes. It seems 6-10 is most common now which kind of sucks.

When playing around with the countdowns, I learned that I have 9446 days until my 80th birthday. I still don’t expect to make it to 80, more like to around 77 in which case I have about 8000 more days to live and over 1000 of that will be spent here.

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t resist sharing the Stacey story with her kids which I know will get back to her, haha. She has two daughters and a son. The son doesn’t appear to use Facebook much unless he’s very private. One of the daughters allows comments from everybody, so I’ll be sure to give Abby, her daughter, a heads-up once it’s ready and posted on Prosebox. LOL

Saw Stacey on YouTube in an interview about a housing management award she won last year, and bitch or not, hatred for me for reason(s) only she knows, she aged tremendously well. The video isn’t the clearest and she looks like she could still be in her twenties for all anyone would know.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2020 I visited Dixie yesterday and found her to be the same. She’s still struggling but in denial. She’s able to admit that with her wrist still in its cast and her arthritic knees things are hard for her, but she insists she’s “not that old” and isn’t ready for any kind of assisted living. Again, she says Diane is getting harder to care for and needs to be put in some kind of care home, but she’s reluctant to do so. Understandably, she doesn’t want to be alone and she doesn’t trust that Diane will be looked after properly.

We still had a nice chat about this and that and she asked what was going on with me. I was happy to help her change Diane’s sheets, do a little vacuuming for her, and wash her potatoes. when I first got there, I zapped myself a mug of water, which happened to be one of the mugs I gave her, and prepared myself a cup of caramel tea while she put on her makeup. Even at her age she’s very into makeup and feels naked without it, she says. I would wear mine more often if I wasn’t so blind. Even though she’s almost 30 years older, she has better vision than I do.

For the first time since we got them a few years ago, I regret getting these motion-sensor toilets. Too many problems. Not a whole boatload of them but enough. It was also easier to pour buckets of water directly into the toilet bowl to flush it rather than have to uncover the tank and pour it in there when it’s time for water games. They would have been better if they were the kind that flushed automatically when you stood up. You still have to wave your hand. So if you have to do that, you might as well push a handle down and not have to deal with batteries, corrosion in the sensors, and shit like that.

I woke up at the highest weight I’ve ever been (158), despite increasing my exercise. Really believe I’m going to see the 160s this year. The question is whether or not I’ll hit 200 before I die. My first instinct is to fight it as hard as I can because I don’t want to become diabetic and I know it wouldn’t be good for my blood pressure and cholesterol to keep gaining, but it really truly is totally out of my control. Sometimes we really can’t change our size any more than we can change our height. If it weren’t unhealthy and affecting my mobility, I would love my size. Being a big girl definitely keeps the perverts away and me less of a target since most people believe smaller is weaker. Either way, If I could settle for not being so damn buxom and get rid of my gut, that would be enough for me, but that’s not going to happen. I’ll still try to eat as little as possible today, even though not eating much always leaves me hungry, tired and cold. I’ll just have to remind myself that that’s better than diabetes, heart disease, and all the fun stuff that goes with being so big.

I don’t know why I didn’t notice this before when doing periodic checks of my books on Goodreads to see if there were any new ratings or reviews, good or bad. Yesterday I noticed that two people “liked” that nasty review that was also left on Amazon before it was removed. Curious, I clicked to see who they were. One of them was someone named Adam with a private account, and the other was Sarah (no last name).

I’ve added this latest discovery to my harassment log since I don’t expect to never hear from them again as much as I wish that could be the case. Oh, it may be quite a while, but I know my sister. Sooner or later she’s going to want to reach out to me and when she gets no response, she’s going to once again lash out at me and encourage her carbon-copy offspring to do the same.

I’m going to stick to my golden rule of treating everyone equally. I don’t look at anyone as just family. I don’t look at anyone as just a friend. I look at everyone as people. Just people, and if I feel any of those people are toxic in any way, I don’t have anything to do with them. It really is quite simple for me. There is no “because you’re family” or “because we have a lot of history together.” It’s all about how you treat me.

Then I did some thinking and decided to unpublish my books for reasons that go beyond Tammy and her crazy brood. Basically, it’s a lack of sales and therefore lack of confidence.

I can’t go back and untell these assholes about my books and use a pen name, but this way they have less ammunition against me in the future. They could still go and bash books of mine on Goodreads that no one can ever read, since those remain forever in their database. But they can’t hurt sales if I’m not selling anything.

The biggest problem is what’s always been an issue… I’m just an okay writer and not a fantastic one, I don’t write full-length novels that most people prefer, and I’m not famous. From what I’ve seen, the only way you’re going to get regular sales is if you’re at least somewhat well-known. Yes, all books and authors may get negative reviews at times, but most of the ones with negative reviews have dozens of positive reviews for every one negative review they may have.

I can’t block these sick fucks on Amazon like I can on Facebook, Prosebox and other places. The only thing that makes no sense is that if that is the Sarah I think it is, why didn’t she leave negative ratings and reviews on other books instead of just “liking” someone else’s shitty review?

None of her kids ever struck me as the type to be into reading which fits with how empty the account is. These are the kinds of people that basically only do what they have to do in life and anything else would mostly be about food and TV and that’s pretty much it. They have no real hobbies.

But why is she listed as being in Pompano Beach, Florida? That’s 73 miles away from Stuart. But just being a Sarah in Florida who happened to join in November of last year can’t be a coincidence. It’s got to be her. Plus, she has no books, no reviews, no ratings; just that one “like.” I’m sure that when Tammy saw her review get kicked off Amazon, she encouraged the narcissistic bitch to join Goodreads.

And Tammy really thought she could scare me into believing she had an actual legal case against me that she’d already gone to the police with and that she would return to them if we didn’t call her by Sunday, December 1st? She’s even dumber than I ever thought she was if she thought I would be dumb enough to believe that shit.

I thought about unblocking them on Facebook long enough to share the entries I’ve made since the shit went down once we got out of here, but that’s just the thing… She and her kids truly are a bunch of fucking idiots and I knew that a long time ago. They’re not going to get a damn thing I say. Instead, they’ll just turn everything around like they always do and make like I’m the one with the problem, everything I’ve ever complained about where they’re concerned is false, they’ve never said or done anything wrong to me, and they’re the ones that cut ties with me. They’re true counter-attackers. I could accuse them of basically anything and they would automatically insist that no, I was the one who did it. I don’t doubt for a minute that they truly believe they’re totally innocent in everything and anything.

As far as unpublishing my books, there are other reasons like how Tom said I should do something because I want to do it without thinking in terms of what money it may bring. Oh, I’m still going to edit old stories and write more if I ever get any fresh ideas because it’s what I like to do.

Lastly, I still think the less of an online presence you have and the more private you are when looking for jobs or places to live, the better. Maybe not everyone is going to Google you and judge you based on what they find, but if someone who’s conservative can learn I’m liberal and won’t give us a place we want because of it, I could be lessening our opportunities in the future.

It’s not necessarily forever, though. The books aren’t gone. They’ve just been reverted to drafts. I can always change my mind and relist them if I want to. For now, I just feel like a few bucks a month if even that isn’t worth giving these assholes one more connection to me.

I’m currently editing We’ll Meet Again Someday which is the story that Stacey inspired. Some real-life characters and events are mixed in with what I’ve made up, though some have had their names changed. Of course, I changed Stacey’s last name.

I looked up her kids and found that they unblocked me. Stacey hasn’t, though. When I finish editing it, I may share it with them. I’ll know if they see it too, because they’ll just block me again. Hee-hee!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2020 My God, I’m as sick of hearing about Harry and Meghan as I once was to hear about Brangelina. Can we please move on to someone else now? Someone we’ve never heard of before? And can we only obsess over them for a few months or so?

It’s just after 6 a.m. and here goes the first of the small planes. Hopefully, the commercials will be as quiet as they were yesterday. Let’s check the wind direction. Southeast and rainy.

They’re back to doing OT at work so hopefully that’s a good sign. Honestly, the last thing I sense is him getting laid off. I just don’t “see” it happening. Worst case scenario if I’m wrong…they lay him off, he gets another job in the area, and we take a pay cut and have to curb our shopping. Instead of fun stuff every week, it may have to be every month. I’m not worried about it, though.

Yesterday Kim asked me if I’d heard about the impeachment and all that, and I told her I don’t usually pay attention to the details of politics, even though I am aware of it. Sure enough, today she tells me she doesn’t pay attention to politics either. What is it with her and her constant need to be a carbon copy of others? I still don’t get that any more than those who “happen” to always disagree or be different, both of which drive me nuts. Don’t those who always agree or always disagree and claim to have different experiences realize how obvious they are? I’m sorry but nobody’s that similar and nobody’s that different.

Next to get on my nerves were the pigs. Can’t even go two minutes without pissing and shitting and getting in the way when I’m trying to change their liner. I lay down the towel and they conveniently miss it. It’s like they want to make my life harder. From now on I’m going to contain them in something washable like a large plastic storage bin because I’ve had enough of their shit. Like literally. They were cute, though, as soon as I washed and dried their beds and returned them. They both hopped right in and went to sleep.

I was laughing when I saw the pictures of Guatemalan immigrants storming Mexico in today’s news. It’s about time THEY got to see what it was like being bombarded with illegals burdening the hell out of THEIR system. My laughter didn’t last long, though, because I know damn well where those immigrants are eventually going to end up. Yeah, you guessed it. Hey, why not just move the whole damn world here?

Wearing my stretchy jeans right now for the first time in a while. They seem both stiff and heavy. I’m just not a jeans person. I prefer sweats and tights when I’m not in shorts, skirts or dresses.

Got caught up on the latest episode of Law & Order SVU. It was good despite the usual derogatory anti-white comments.

Had a scary dream last night. We were at home even though the house looked different. In the dream, the living room was sort of in the middle of the place, although the house was rectangular like this one. I spotted a humongous black spider crawling along the baseboard of the living room and even Tom was scared because it was so huge. It was bigger and darker than the monster spiders we would see in Phoenix I’m pretty sure were Avondale spiders. Whatever it was wasn’t a tarantula because the thing ran fast when he went to swipe at it, and I grabbed a can of bug spray and tried to spray it. We had a powerful box fan going in the room and I wasn’t sure if the spray actually hit the spider before it ran and hid somewhere.

I begged Tom to take the following day off of work so we could bomb the place, but he said he couldn’t without giving a little more notice because they were in the middle of a big project. He said he would take the next day off instead.

Then I saw a smaller spider and wondered if it was a baby of the monster or just a lone daddy long legs.

I ran through the house to see if I could spot it and get it with the spray but every time I entered a room and demanded Alexa to turn on the lights, she ignored me (she always does in dreams). I said something about needing someone to help get her working. That someone was a young woman who appeared in person in a split second and turned the lights on.

When she was putting on her coat to leave, I said I wished I could stay at her place for the night and told her about the spider. She looked around fearfully and Tom shot me a look as if to say, “Why did you have to tell her that?”

“You’re okay,” I assured her. “You’ve got shoes on and you’re leaving.”

That was the end of that nightmare!

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 2020 Enjoying a break from the planes this morning but traffic and landscaping will start up in a couple of hours. It’s getting my peace until 8 a.m. that’s nice instead of only until 5:45 a.m. I got up before midnight and even the small planes and helicopters were quiet throughout the night.

I’ve come to hate Rockefeller as much as I love him, LOL. Seriously, I hate it when those who don’t get along put others out because of it. Sort of like how other countries have to pick up the pieces because countries like Syria can’t grow up and get along. Well, Rockefeller not getting along with Blitz definitely puts me out and makes things a little harder on me. Changing their liner definitely isn’t as easy because I only have so much room to move the fence to and the middle divider I added gets in the way.

But I realized that if I just lower the dishwasher door, they can hide under that when I’m changing them. Lately, they haven’t had anything to hide under and that’s also part of why they’ve been getting in the way, peeing off the towel I put down, and just being a real pain in the ass. I’ll try that when I change them tomorrow and see how it works out since I shoo them over to that side of the kitchen when changing them.

Rockefeller may prefer his solitude, but he’s just going to have to deal with being with Blitz in the cage we got for them when we’re on vacation next year. I could leave them in the kitchen in the pigpen but I’d rather not because the last thing I want to do after being on a plane for several hours and awake for God knows how many more is to come home to have to change them right away. With traditional bedding in their cage, it won’t be nearly as filthy after 4-5 days as the liner would be. I’ll make sure I lay down a fresh liner before we leave so all I have to do is transfer them back. I could separate them and put Blitz under the rats but then Blitz would be depressed, and 4 days on a fleece liner, even if it’s just one pig, is going to call for quite a mess. I’d rather them both be on paper bedding, and I’d rather Rockefeller feel like his space is being invaded than for Blitz to be lonely.

Tom and I agree that in order to save money, we’d be willing to fly coach even if first-class is so much better. With my short legs, I’m not hurting for legroom, though, and if God forbid we get stuck next to a screaming brat with parents who don’t give a shit, at least it would only be for a few hours.

Since I couldn’t use speech-to-text on the plane and probably won’t take my laptop, I’ll take an old paper journal and then just speech-to-text it into my Windows PC when I get home. I’ll be taking my phone for pictures and whenever I have the opportunity to take notes and check in with friends. Even if I don’t have time to interact with them as I usually do, it would still be nice to let them know we’re alive and well. I can’t fucking wait! 2021 is too far away. :-(

In other pet news, I didn’t latch one of the lower doors properly to the rats’ cage. Then when I walked up to it later, I found it wide open. Fortunately, Woody stayed put, but of course Fuzzy escaped. Where did I find him? You guessed it; in the pigpen scavenging for whatever he could find, LOL.

The weather has been showing signs of the gradual warm-up that begins at this time of year with temperatures slowly reaching toward the 60s and actually getting into the 60s by the end of the month.

We had a nice weekend. We went to Sam’s on Saturday which was probably our quickest and quietest run ever. We didn’t get as much stuff and those annoying forklifts weren’t running around beeping really loud. They did have music playing for the first time that I remember, and of course, so did Denny’s and Walmart. Denny’s was a little annoying, but Walmart was worse, especially when you were right under one of their fucking speakers. I just don’t get why so many stores and restaurants in this state feel the need to entertain us while we eat or shop.

I got steak and eggs at Denny’s, and the steak wasn’t quite as good as I hoped and a bit tough. The eggs, steak fries and English muffin were delicious, though. He and I want to try one of those plant-based burgers that many places have these days and that people swear tastes exactly like real meat.

Soon I’m going to make a salad. That Greek yogurt dressing has really grown on me. I want to try Green Goddess avocado dressing sometime, too. I picked up a few apples since we have this wonderful peeler. The rodents really love the skin and I take a few bites of the meaty part. I hate the skin of apples because it’s too much like biting into cellophane.

After Denny’s, we went to Walmart to get some groceries. We would have normally gone to Target, but I wanted new bath gloves and I picked up some more brushes for my painting. Whenever we want more than just food, Walmart is the better place to get it if we don’t get it on Amazon.

When Rite Aid opened, we went to get treats and Merlot for me to have during the week. Ramping up my dose for the March 6th blood draw has me a bit nervous. This way, if I really start feeling wound up, the alcohol may calm me down. Plus, I got slices of turkey, so I’m armed with both alcohol and tryptophan.

I was borderline anxious on the 16th, anxious on the 17th, and I was borderline earlier today but I’m feeling better now. Thanks, Barefoot!

I started throwing copies of my journal in the ‘notes’ section of Facebook, and it’s kind of cool how they now list the reading time. So far, my entries for this year range from taking 1-9 minutes to read.

When I was working on the rewrite and editing of my book, I realized I no longer had to guesstimate property distances. Thanks to Google Maps, I can now measure the actual distance of our old property in Phoenix so I could be a little more accurate in my current story where “Riana” lives in a guesthouse in the backyard of a property with a similar layout. It was much deeper than it was wider. Tom guessed it to be 150 ft from the front of the property to the very back. It was actually 133 ft. I thought the property was about 50 ft wide. Close, but not quite. It was actually 55 ft wide. The house itself was 36 ft wide. That house was square whereas this house is rectangular. It wasn’t quite as big. It was closer to 1200 square feet whereas this house is closer to 1400 square feet.

My measurements in my book weren’t too far off but now they’re a little more accurate. The backyard we had there seemed puny compared to the yard of my childhood home, but it actually wasn’t that tiny at 55 x 40. The yard in my book is a little bigger, though.

The more I use it, the more I really like Goodreads. Discovering I was being bashed and trashed there turned out to be a good thing in the end because it not only brought positive reviews to my books later on, but it really is a great way of keeping track of what I’ve read. I love how I could add all my Amazon book purchases. So I will be adding hundreds of books over the next few days to my ‘read’ and ‘want to read’ lists. This way, from now on, if a book looks interesting to me, I can always check and see if I’ve already read it or not.

Still enjoying my new electric razor which Rite Aid sells for twice as much as what I paid for mine on Amazon. I wouldn’t have liked it when I was young, though, because it doesn’t quite shave as close as a regular razor. As we age, our hair not only thins out, but the hairs also get thinner, so any stubble is less noticeable. Plus, our legs don’t look as smooth so any stubble kind of blends in with the blemishes. So it’s good for older people.

I saw markings in the road about a week or two ago that I forgot to mention down by the office. So they’re going to be working in the road again if they haven’t already, not surprisingly. I knew they couldn’t go that long. They can’t stay out of the roads for more than a year here. Why they bothered to seal-coat them is beyond me since it’s only a matter of time before they tear up the entire park yet again.

Something was recently done in the road outside the front gate since there is a section of newly paved road, but that’s way too far away to hear anything at our place.

I had dreams about being in Florida, but they didn’t make any sense. Maliheh was working out with someone in one dream, and then I was outdoors at night when a deep fog suddenly lifted and I could see this enormous lighthouse a few hundred feet away.

Enjoy this entry that Facebook says should take you 8 minutes to read.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19, 2020 Every now and then I do a search to see what new writing sites may pop up, and I found one called Up to the Sky. It’s like Penzu only better. It’s totally private unless you choose to create and share a public link. I figured I would use it for story drafts since anything I want to share can be done in the usual places.

I like how it has themes, though I wish it had more, and also how it has a handy area for notes, countdowns, to-do lists, and other features.

I created a countdown to when I go to the lab, hoping that it would ease my mind while ramping up my dose if I know I have only a specific number of days to have to deal with any anxiety along the way.

I also created a countdown to next February since that’s about when we’ll take off for Hawaii. I can’t wait! I get so excited just thinking about it.

The last countdown I set up was a little depressing. He reaches full retirement on January 1, 2024. Well, that’s 1443 days from now. :-( As he says, it’s nothing compared to how much time he’s already worked but still a long way to go if you’re anxious to get out of here and into a warmer climate as I am. We won’t necessarily be moving that day either, of course. It’s going to take a few months to sell the house and get out of here, so we’ve likely got 1500 days left.

The new company owners are talking about downsizing and closing some of the buildings where he works which means the threat of a layoff is looming and the dream I had about him getting a raise may mean absolutely nothing at all. It was kind of funny when he said he would look at all his options if that happened because there are only two options to look at. He either gets a job here or we get out of the state. If we want to play it safe and smart, he’ll get a job here.

Finished watching S1 of Twisted and it was delightfully entertaining with all kinds of twists and turns and probably the only show made in the last 20 years that doesn’t reference race/racism. We need more shows like this!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 2020 Re-writing my 2007 book, We’ll Meet Again Someday, for publication which will hopefully be in April. I’m modernizing it along the way.

Had fun painting the angel figurine yesterday. She came out much better than I thought she would. Watercolors are way easier to work with than acrylics. Love how easy it was to wipe off accidental dabs of paint and to paint over areas as well. Because this figurine has a coarser surface, the color adhered well enough with a couple of coats. I found that it was actually better not to dilute the paint as much. If I made it too watery it would make the paint too thin and then there wouldn’t be much color.

Decided not to paint my fairy figurine because she’s much smoother, and even diluted, it would be very hard to get much of a consistent color. The paint would just thin and bead.

I also love how I don’t have to worry about the paints drying out. I used to hate when I’d forget to close the caps on my acrylics and they would dry up.

Google Docs gave me the option to insert pics related to the journal subjects, so here’s one.

Had a touch of anxiety Yesterday and the day before, so I’m skipping today’s dose. I’m never going to get past 5 weeks! :-(

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 2020 It took three days but yes, Aly did notice and ask me about deactivating on Twitter. I told her I deactivated because no one was tweeting. Then she turned her account into a dream account. Not sure if her timing has anything to do with me deactivating but we’re still connected on my sleep account.

Love my new electric razor! I don’t know if it will stop me from getting irritation under my arms like I’ve been getting these last few years for reasons I don’t understand, but it’s great for my legs.

Haven’t used my watercolors yet but I’m about to after I post this entry.

When we first separated the pigs, Blitz was trying desperately to get over to Rockefeller’s side while Rockefeller was showing absolutely no interest in visiting Blitz on his side. Why Blitz would want anything to do with Rockefeller with the way he bullies him is beyond me. Hopefully adding the dividing wall won’t make even more work for us since there’s only so much room to move it out of the way when I change liners. Plus, Rockefeller hates being handled.

I added a corner hideaway that you hook on that’s made of cloth to Rockefeller’s side because Blitz has the tree trunk hideaway. The top of it is gray and pink fringes hang down across the corner. It’s not as private as their other burrows but it’s still cute. They come in many different colors.

Anyway, I’ll find out if it’s any harder moving the pen out of the way to change them when he gets up since that’s something we do together because it’s so much work. The liners have to be shaken outside as best as possible, which is better for a tall person to do, as we don’t want bits of hair and hay clogging the washer. Then I have to disinfect and sometimes mop the floor underneath the liner since it’s not a hundred percent waterproof like it’s supposed to be. Maybe their nails pierced the silica coating underneath? Then I have to lay down the new liner, shoo the pigs onto it (it doesn’t matter who ends up on which side), shake out and wash the towel I move them onto while changing them, then sweep and sometimes mop the floor outside of the pen as well. Then I have to reload all their supplies. So it’s not exactly a 5-minute task.

Right after I said they’ve been better for a while, the planes got a little annoying yesterday morning. At first I thought it was the distant rumble of thunder since we were having 20 MPH winds and rain, but nope. They weren’t the most annoying they’ve been, but they were noticeable enough. I thought they’d be annoying tonight but they’re not. Just when I thought there was a pattern, though, there isn’t. I’m not sure the direction of the wind really determines whether or not I hear them, but they definitely do seem worse when the winds are heading north. Unfortunately, that’s most of the time, too.

Had a bunch of weird dreams throughout my sleep which likely means I didn’t sleep all that well even though I’m not too tired.

In the first dream, the Twenties were still our neighbors, but we were living attached to each other in two-story condos. I headed out for a walk one day when I noticed some guys holding up these large metal sheets at the sides of their driveway. They weren’t solid sheets or thin. It’s kind of hard to describe them but I knew they were about to put up a garage and wasn’t looking forward to the noise. The bedroom was on a shared wall and I worried that the vibration of the garage door opening and closing would wake me up when I was sleeping, even though it was downstairs.

Then we adopted a baby of all things and I thought to myself that I never would have believed in a million years that we’d be parents. I don’t know what gender it was.

Then I was standing with a few other people by a counter that was as high as my chest. Maybe it was a place of business. Some guy sat his toddler on the counter and then turned away to talk to someone behind him and I secretly hoped she would fall.

Then I was doing an exercise video with Tom when I hit the floor - yes, it was a floor and not carpet - because the crystals in my ears were making me dizzy. They still are in real life, too. If my doctor doesn’t find any wax in my ears that we can’t find when I see her in March, I may need her to take me through those exercises that help get them back in place, even though it’s no big deal. I mostly only feel the sensation when I lie down and only for a few seconds. I wonder, though, if this is a glimpse into the future in a place that has the laminate flooring I wish we’d gotten here.

The last dream I remember is him getting some kind of report card at work. In the report was a list of work behaviors, including taking naps. The box next to that one was checked because, in the dream, he would take naps during breaks. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not in his boss’s eyes.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2020 Well, there was no “pray for such and such a city or country” trending on Twitter, so I guess there were no serious natural disasters or shootings today.

The water has remained stable so far and I even dared to replace the cover on the master bathroom toilet tank, LOL. I won’t dare let that tub drain, though!

Two nights ago, I pranked the office again by having my text reader repeat, “Killjoy, don’t turn the water off” on their answering machine.

Then shortly before the office was to open the next morning, something hit me and panic seized me. What if they misunderstood and took it the wrong way? What if they thought the message was really saying, “Kill Joy,” and not, “Killjoy?”

The last thing I need is for them to have the authorities trace the number and arrest me and charge me with threatening phone calls. I could skip court, but I couldn’t refuse to be arrested. So I got right on with the damage control before the office could open and I would have to talk to someone live and explained in a voice message, without giving my name, that it was just a joke because I was so frustrated over the water situation. Not surprisingly, they never called back, so hopefully they won’t make anything of it.

When I get to worrying about getting old and dying, I try to tell myself I’m not going to suffer for five years before I die as I did during peri and when my medication was backfiring on me, but even just a few days can seem like years. Plus, some people really do suffer in their final years of life. Not everyone just up and dies.

As silly as it may seem, especially since I can’t possibly know what may lie beyond or have any control over it, I still worry about what I may be in store for in the afterlife if one exists. My greatest fear is it being so much worse than my worst of times in this life. I try not to imagine it being so full of fear, pain and depression, along with loneliness for those I knew and loved, and stuck in that state for eternity, but telling myself I have no control over it either way doesn’t ease my fears as if seems to with Tom. He never worries about things that are out of his hands and just takes one step at a time, one day at a time, and deals with things as they come along. I have often wished I could be like that, but I am who I am just like he is who he is.

I can’t help but look forward to those golden years and hope they will be the best years of our lives filled with beautiful weather and a quieter place we both totally love. Oh, how I look forward to returning to Hawaii next year and eventually going yachting. I’m so sick of the same old, same old! I really need some change. Good, fun change. It isn’t that things are bad, of course. We have money, we have great neighbors, we have a safe place to live even if it can be noisy and we don’t always have water, we’re in good health, etc. But things have gotten a bit stagnant.

Tom said, we never know. The new bosses may decide to lay him off and then we’ll be forced to have to make a decision, but I still don’t see him being let go and us getting out of a place this noisy anytime soon. Although I will say that the skies have been much quieter and I’ve absolutely LOVED not having to have sound machines on at night. The winds have been going S, ESE, and SE, but I know that as soon as they’re heading N again, the planes will be back. Still doesn’t mean the daytime is peaceful around here with loud traffic and landscaping, though. I just have a feeling that we’re not going to be able to get out of here that easily. The story of my life…being stuck in places I don’t want to be. It’s been that way since my teens. If we were smart, though, we would want to stay put until he retires. It’s just too risky to take off without a job lined up, and then there’s the insurance thing, too.

When we talked about RVing, Tom said I may not want to hear this, but he doesn’t want to give up his stuff, especially his 3D printer. That’s fine. I don’t want to give up all my stuff either, but since we don’t plan to take the furniture or the exercise equipment, and since I have a lot of things I don’t use or need anymore and wouldn’t mind downsizing, maybe we could go out in an RV and pull Candy behind it. Between Candy and the RV, we could store shit in that and not have to use a storage company. That still wouldn’t mean we could get a place until after he’s been working a while, and that still doesn’t solve the insurance problem, but it’s an idea. As I was telling Aly, though, twice we changed states with no job and only a few thousand dollars if even that, and it led to disaster. We’d have a lot more than just a few grand this time around, but nothing else changes. If he doesn’t have incoming money to show from either a retirement check or a job, no one’s going to give us a place just because we could afford to give them a hefty down payment. We could also lose the chance to ever own a place again this way because we would have to live off the sale money of the house until he could get established working somewhere, which is the money that would have gone to buy a new place. Renting wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it has its downsides.

If I had to choose between Mac and Windows, I would go back to Mac. Windows is alright but it’s missing too many features that the Mac had that I found handy. Just little things here and there that I’ve noticed.

That blocked number keeps trying to call and I have to keep deleting the notification. So much for out of sight and out of mind. I don’t think they realize they’re blocked. You don’t get a message saying you’ve been blocked. From what I found out, all you get is fewer rings before it goes to voicemail. I think it only rings once. No voice messages, though I don’t know if it’s because they haven’t left any or they did, but it wouldn’t go through.

I’ve got that strange head pressure that I still can’t figure out. I don’t know if it’s TMJ, allergies, my blood pressure or what. It’s a hard feeling to describe. “Pressure,” is the only thing that comes to mind. It’s almost as if my head is vibrating as well or maybe stopped up like when you have a cold, even though it doesn’t feel that way, if that makes any sense. I definitely don’t have a cold.

I’ve been getting more private questions and thought I would answer a couple of them. Are there any power couples I’m sick of hearing about? Absolutely! Harry and Meghan. I don’t care for the royal family in general because of the way they seem to be so narrow-minded in the way they live and function. The message they send women is, “You have to marry the opposite sex and have kids as if it was 1950 all over again.”

Where are the gay/lesbian couples in the royal family? Where are the single moms? Where are the married childless couples? Where is the reality? Variety; that’s real life. Not everyone doing the same things and following the same narrow-minded script people followed 50 years ago.

Next question… Is there anything I regret telling anyone? The response to sharing my story about having circadian rhythm disorder and of how I was the victim of reverse discrimination got me thinking about how a friend said they don’t share personal things because people don’t get it. Oh, they get it, all right. But only if they can relate to it or it’s a common thing. Circadian rhythm disorder may not be that common but reverse discrimination is more common than people realize. The problem is that people don’t get it unless it happens to them. Also, it’s something that’s often swept under the carpet and under-addressed. The media chooses to focus on certain victims and leave the rest out and therefore, most people don’t believe a black/Hispanic person could possibly screw over a white person. “Blacks don’t do that,” people say. Or, “There’s no such thing,” and that gets pretty frustrating and insulting after a while. Like watching two people kiss and being told that doesn’t happen.

I was going to start Bowflexing again but the last thing I need is to build more muscle. I have more than enough. I’ll just stick to the basic exercises (my core mostly) and focus more on cardio. 80% of my exercise will be walking and jogging.

My nails are both ugly and embarrassing. I’m finding myself a little more self-conscious when it comes to things like my nails and my ear and I don’t like it one bit. It’s just not like me to give a shit. I guess it’s not so much what other people might think, but me not liking what I see. If I don’t like it, that’s enough for me to wish I could change things. But my ear can’t be changed, and neither can my nails. I realize it’s just a shape and that some people have smooth nails while others have ridges, just like some people are tall and some are short. It’s the discoloration and the lifting that bothers me more. The discoloration is probably from nail polish, but I’m not sure about the lifting. That’s usually connected to thyroid or iron issues and I certainly don’t have any iron issues.

Going to be getting an electric razor for women that can be used on the legs and under the arms in hopes of getting less irritation under the arms that way. It’s got 5 round heads, plus a regular shaver for longer hairs.

The pigs are back together but still separated. We added a new wall/fence to the pen, dividing it in half. Blitz was depressed by himself. Most rodents prefer to be around other rodents, but Rockefeller simply doesn’t like him and wants to be alone. Blitz is already perked up just being close to him and it was funny because he was trying to get over to his side. Rockefeller would only bully him if they were together again, though. He likes his solitude and doesn’t want anything to do with him.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2020 The water was off from midnight to 4 p.m. and now they say it should be back on for good. Yeah, right.

Mrs. Twenties alerted me to another more detailed interview by another TV channel, and there was even a quick clip on Twitter. It took them FIVE fucking days to set up porta-pissers behind the clubhouse!

I was LMAO when Mrs. Twenties told me that some people were taking water out of the pool for their toilets. Brilliant! That would certainly make filling the smaller jugs easier and quicker.

Ellen is the woman who moved into the yellow house on the corner where the annoying contractor used to live, and according to Carolyn, she doesn’t always provide correct information. She says the woman is really nice but acts like a know-it-all. We’ve never met, as I told her.

Whatever happened to Tom and Nanette, the people who were supposed to take over for Killjoy? And who the hell is Doug? Apparently, according to the interview we saw, he’s the actual park manager. I guess Killjoy is just the office manager.

We took our showers this evening and washed the pigs’ liner because we don’t doubt that the water will be turned off again at midnight.

Had to separate the pigs for fighting. They’ve been getting into it more and more lately. Tom looked up a video on guinea pigs fighting and wow! They can really get into it like rats and mice, although I’ve never had any that fought as badly as what I saw in the video. That doesn’t mean these two aren’t capable of getting there, so I decided to put Blitz under the rats. The rats have plenty of space on the upper level, and Blitz should be fine if it’s just him. If that proves to be too small, I’ll move him to the other cage.

Totally regret getting the pigs. But while we do have them, it’s nice to hear their chatter and it should be easier to pick up Blitz in a smaller cage for occasional cuddles where he doesn’t have as much room to run. Slaving over such high-maintenance pets really gets old, though. They’re so much work and money and of course, I don’t appreciate the smell either.

I doubt we’ll do this, but Tom and I talked about busting out of here in an RV in which case only Fuzzy would come with us. Everyone else would have to be re-homed.

Either way, we’re going to have to think about it more. We both agree that an apartment wouldn’t be any quieter so if we’re going to be cramped in a smaller space with all the shit we’ve got, we may as well throw it in storage and head out in an RV. The only problem with the RV is that storing our stuff would be harder because we wouldn’t have a set place to store it in. But what is appealing about an RV is that we could take off without any set destination in mind and get a chance to explore various places first. The only problem with doing this is that if we sink our sale money into an RV, we may never again get the chance to own. There are actually benefits to renting a place if we could keep the damn landlord out of the picture. When the landlord lives on-site is when they can be a pest like Jesse could. But if we rent, it would be easier to move if we wanted to and the major expenses would be on the landlord. But we wouldn’t be able to customize it to our liking or control when non-emergency repairs and upgrades took place. That means if something was done when I was sleeping, we wouldn’t have much control over it. I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do yet. I just know I don’t want to be stuck here for another four years!

The new company owners have cut out the overtime which is both good and not.

We got a new glucose home testing kit and when I woke up and before I had eaten, I was disappointed to find myself at 104. Tom insists there’s nothing to worry about because this is typical in older people. He reminded me that he was the same at my age and has been holding steady ever since and hasn’t continued to climb yet he’s got three times more weight to lose than I do. And yes, diabetes runs in our families.

I know losing weight would help my glucose, blood pressure and cholesterol and pretty much everything, but I hate being hungry. Unless something’s wrong with you, you can’t lose weight without being hungry, and the older you are, the less you can eat which means even more hunger. Plus, the weight would only come right back. So unless it’s dire, I prefer to keep the extra weight and eat when I’m hungry. Avoiding sugar too, of course, most of the time.

I was thinking of getting a cheap set of watercolor paints and seeing if it might be easier to paint figurines with that instead of acrylics. That way, if I fuck up, I can wipe it off if I dilute the paints so the colors aren’t as bold as acrylics and oils. I might even grab a watercolor pad because according to some videos I saw, they’re pretty versatile and you can do some really neat effects with them. I like how I could control the consistency of the watercolors.

I woke up a million times during my sleep, and one time it was from a dream about having evidence that a neighbor raped another neighbor twice. I didn’t live in the park in the dream and I don’t know who the people were. They were a lot younger. I was racking my brain trying to decide whether or not I should take the evidence to the police. I wanted the guy put away but I was afraid of retaliation if the guy suspected I was the one that turned him in.

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 2020 The water came back on in the late afternoon. Now the question is whether or not the next shut-off is in a matter of hours or a matter of days. Really getting sick of this shit. It’s beyond ridiculous!

As I told him, I really think we should consider getting a one-bedroom apartment until we can get out of the state since that’s all we can afford here, and even that would be a little more expensive than this. We only got in here in the first place due to my inheritance and the economy being so shitty. Right now, there’s no way we could get another house, manufactured or not. I know we have a lot of shit and I would hate to be crammed into a one-bedroom, and I definitely don’t miss waking up having to pee to find him in the shower, but at least we would have water all the time. Also, this place is noisy so much of the time that the noise there would seem like nothing. If they only do landscaping the usual once a week and the place isn’t on a busy street or in a flight path, it may actually be quieter.

Okay, so that may be stretching it a bit. Apartments usually do have their fair share of noise, even if some may start off quiet. The biggest thing is all the banging…Doors, cabinets, footsteps, and movement in general. It would be our shit luck to get next to someone with a loud, bass-filled stereo or TV, and a bunch of brats running overhead with parents who don’t give a shit.

I looked at random house rentals in Florida and found a few I wished I could magically transport myself to. It wasn’t that there was anything special about the houses themselves, but I love how far back they were from the street and how they had so much more privacy and space around them, yet you didn’t have to drive an hour to the middle of nowhere to get to them. I’m hoping that rather than jumping into a house and possibly finding my asthma and allergies can’t handle that climate as I was surprised to find that cats trigger my asthma, and then be stuck there for years, we can rent a place for 6 months or so before we jump into anything permanent. It’s always good to test drive the car before you buy it if you have that option.

I spoke to Dixie by phone earlier and she said she talked to Killjoy, as is my new name for her, and Dixie asked her why she uses Roto-Rooter when they’ve got horrible reviews. Killjoy said that’s who they’ve been using for the last 18 years, and Dixie said, “Well, maybe that’s the problem.”

ROTFL! Yeah, maybe.

I was delighted that Suki already got borrowed in Germany and has already made it onto Goodreads. Hopefully not so it can be bashed and trashed.

My Tipi doll came today and is very nice. So did the 7 fashions I got for the 14” vinyl dolls that she and Elula can wear.

I also got a dozen toe rings in silver, gold and rose gold. They don’t stay shiny for long because they’re cheap junk but putting soap on a toothbrush and scrubbing them every now and then helps shine them back up. Plus, we have a jewelry cleaner.

“Camille” has deactivated on Twitter. I was going to do voice blogging there without showing my face but just couldn’t get into it. I’ll use Bubbly when I want to talk-blog, even though Aly may hear it.

I also deactivated my main Twitter account which I was connected to Kim and Aly since they rarely tweet. Let’s see how long it takes Aly to notice. When she announced on the first that she was going to check in more and interact with people more, I knew she wouldn’t. She’s just not into Twitter, and if she is, it’s not on this account.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 2020 Just when I thought I couldn’t hate it here anymore, it was all I could do to keep from storming down to the office and doing things best left out of print to every single incompetent idiot asshole that works here! We’ve been without water for days. Yes, not hours…DAYS! This place has gone way beyond fucking ridiculous. It was an otherwise great weekend where I felt good and some funny things happened along the way, including good things such as The Seduction of Suki being published.

It all began Friday morning just after 11. Usually, it’s off for an average of 4 hours, so I figured it would be on before I wanted to take my shower that evening and tackle the laundry. Wrong!

Then Tom got a ridiculous automated voice message saying the water would be back on Monday, October 29th. Funny too, since both last and next October 29th are on a Tuesday.

We drove to the open fire hydrant where people were filling jugs of water and we did the same. One of the guys down there said something about them draining the line and a huge pipe replacement nearby.

I was hesitant to call the office at first because of the way the park loves to retaliate against complainers. But as the hours ticked by, I was getting increasingly frustrated, and besides, it was a formal written complaint that turned out to be against a friend of Joy’s that I got spited for. This was different. Plus, they don’t know my number and I don’t have my name on my outgoing message, so they wouldn’t know who the hell I was when I called and screamed on their answering machine. Sometimes we just have to vent, you know?

I’ve been in touch on and off with Mrs. Twenties and we both agree this is just ridiculous and something needs to be done once and for all. It’s against the law for a park not to supply its residents with water. I really think we should band together and deduct from our rent. Take our space rent and divide it by how many days are in the month and deduct the amount for the days the water was off.

Yesterday afternoon, Tom and I made a bet about when the water would be back on. He thought it would be on that evening and I said Monday morning at 10:30. Sure enough, the water wasn’t back on last night, so I get all his Bing points for this month and next.

Unable to wash my hair, I threw powder in it to dry up some of the oil and feel a little bit refreshed.

So the water finally came back on at 10:30 this morning after being off for nearly 48 hours. I thought, wow, right time, wrong day. But as I told him, I doubted that was it. He said he thought they may work on it tomorrow and shut the water off then, but it was getting kind of late in the day and he was pretty sure the water would stay on until tomorrow. Wrong! Luckily for us, we had just finished our showers and got the laundry done when it went off around 5.

Thank God I filled up the tub which I’m never going to leave empty again! Plus, we filled our 6 1-gallon jugs. Maybe I’ll still be right about the 10:30 Monday morning thing.

I left some unsavory reviews under a different name on a couple of sites and pulled a few other pranks that the Twenties found hilarious. I told them how I typed “turn the water on” and had my text reader read and repeat it like a broken record in a voice message. Plus, how I left my speech-to-text running while watching a show and sent them what it came up with on their contact form using a bogus email addy.

Then Mrs. Twenties gave me an interesting link after telling me that Channel 13 was coming to do an interview with someone on Daisy yesterday. The reporter was standing just outside the back gate reporting on the issues, and some scenes were shot around the park. I could see that the problem was by the lake. They’re replacing a 20-foot break in a 33-year-old pipe. The closer you are to the main line in front, the better off you are. Well, we’re far away from the front of the park, and Daisy is even further. A couple in their late 80s was featured showing how dirty the water is. Yes, it’s f filthy when the water is first turned back on! Tom had to clean the faucet screens.

The reporter said they tried to contact management, but they didn’t hear back from them. Well, that’s no surprise.

Anyway, my silly husband added water to the tank of one of the toilets and was replacing the cover when the sensor “saw” part of the plastic wrap on the toilet paper that was on top of it and flushed the damn thing. So I’m like, “Great, just great,” and he goes, “Yeah, I love you too.” LOL

Then, it turns out I left a container of Clorox wipes under the sink empty. I guess I didn’t realize it was empty when I pulled the last wipe out because the bottom of the container is filled with cleaning solution and the weight of it can make you think there are more wipes in it. But there wasn’t and my wonderful husband starts to say, “Any reason you left an empty—,” then stops when the cover flipped open and the liquid went flying onto the floor, including in part of the pigpen and on a piece of their lettuce. Oh yeah, there’s been loads of fun along the way, haha.

I’ll be sleeping till the early afternoon tomorrow, so if the water is on when I get up, I won’t know if it came on at the predicted time.

Again, it’s been an otherwise pleasant weekend. Even surprisingly peaceful. I don’t know why, but the planes have been much quieter lately. I doubt it will last long, so I’m enjoying it while it does.

We haven’t exactly eaten healthy this weekend, but we deserve a break at least once a week. Between his base pay and OT, he’s going to be pulling in about 6k this month. I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of Tammy knowing that and knowing how pissed she’d be, LOL. And downright jealous, too.

We went to KFC yesterday and today we got some junk at Rite Aid. I also got a statue of an angel that was on sale.

We even had fun planning and getting ideas for our next vacation in Hawaii. This will probably be way in the future but someday we want to go on a small cruise as well. They have these yachts with only a little over 100 passengers as opposed to the 4k that was on the cruise we went on that turned out to be a disaster, and some of them are pretty affordable. We won’t do this until we’re settled in Florida, which is years away, unfortunately.

The Tipi doll will be here tomorrow.

The respiration count said he breathes an average of 11 times a minute in his sleep while it’s 18 for me.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10, 2020 Today I’m having less dizziness and more energy. I can live with that. :-)

Today is the second fucking day in a row that the water has been off. I had a feeling they may do this too, because the last time around it was three or four days. So the water will probably be off when I get up tomorrow.

I went out walking for a half-hour or so. Planes, landscaping, planes, landscaping. Some parts of it were quiet, though. A couple of days ago I only heard a few planes, but yesterday I heard all kinds of shit in the sky. It’s a little better now but tonight will probably be bad. It’s easy to complain about but this is all I’ve known for so long now that I honestly can’t imagine it any other way. You really do adapt over time and I’m sure that when we move, I’ll seek out a similar situation at least subconsciously since people tend to gravitate toward what they’re familiar with. Definitely going to get off the busy street and further from small airports and commercial flight paths, though. If we ever did land a quieter place, I’m sure it would take time to adapt to that too, but by the time I did, it would probably be just as noisy as it is here. With the way helicopters have gotten so much cheaper and more things being done by air, I wonder if there will be any peaceful airspace left in another 10 to 20 years.

On my way up the main drag was an open fire hydrant. It wasn’t spraying water into the street, though. I wonder if it’s got anything to do with why the assholes have the water off today other than the fact that they’re incompetent and can’t fix things right.

He worked so damn late yesterday that he went from time and a half to double time, making nearly forty bucks in an hour.

I agree with the guy who commented on yesterday’s entry about obese people being discriminated against which needs to stop while overcompensating for it by claiming you’re proud of it isn’t the way to go. Obesity is definitely nothing to celebrate or be proud of, but are they really proud? Somehow, I have my doubts. Who the hell is proud to be tremendously overweight? You can love yourself and accept yourself without being proud of being unhealthy or at least setting yourself up to be unhealthy.

Perhaps some people truly don’t give a shit. I may not be 100 pounds overweight but I don’t give a shit that I’m fat as long as I don’t gain any more. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if most of those who are obese and claim they’re proud of it are in denial. I think those that tell themselves they’re proud of something they’re probably not the least bit proud of deep down, is just their way of dealing with it. Many people can brainwash themselves over time, and the more they tell themselves something, the more they believe it.

Maybe another reason some claim they’re proud to be so overweight is they figure that will keep them from being either fat-shamed or having the health risks pointed out to them by people like Jillian Michaels. But hey, let people put themselves at risk for heart attacks and strokes. I’m doing the same thing by not taking statins, LOL.

I wonder if I should make this my next blog topic. It’s just hard to motivate myself to get into blogging with no guarantees in the end. I don’t like this “maybe I’ll get paid” thing. I want to either do a job with payment in return or just not bother. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t help out a friend, of course, but I get a little tired of the maybes. Yeah, maybe I’ll fucking win the lottery too (rolls eyes sarcastically).

I had a dream that Aly was coming to visit only we weren’t in California. Instead, we were in Arizona. She was driving as opposed to flying. I looked at the clock and then at Tom and said, “Think she’s hit the Arizona border yet?”

“Yeah,” he said, and I jumped for joy and twirled around like an excited little kid. :-)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 2020 I totally stand by Jillian Michaels who was actually fact-sharing and not fat-shaming when it comes to Lizzo. People continue to be way too sensitive and mistake constructive criticism for trolling. First, I’m not a Lizzo fan. I don’t listen to music as much as I used to and therefore, I’m not familiar with her music. However, I agree with Jillian when she says her music should be celebrated and not her weight. It’s one thing to be okay with being overweight and to accept it, but it’s another to be proud of it, especially if you’re hundreds of pounds overweight as Lizzo is. Lizzo owns her weight. It’s her body and she has a right to do with it as she pleases, but like it or not, there are many health risks associated with being so big, and that’s all she was pointing out. No, not all heavy people are unhealthy, and no, not all of us could become skinny for various reasons, but we can certainly take steps to prevent ourselves from becoming 100 pounds overweight hence putting ourselves at risk for diseases. We don’t celebrate our rashes. We don’t celebrate dental cavities. We don’t celebrate high blood pressure. We don’t celebrate high cholesterol. So then why do we celebrate overly enlarged fat cells? To be politically correct? Well, honest-to-God fat-shaming by calling people names and making rude and nasty comments about their appearance may be wrong, but let’s see how much she’s willing to celebrate when she gets diabetes.

Ugh! I just had the same bout of runs I had yesterday. It came on suddenly, not surprisingly, as soon as I sat down to write. Just WTF is wrong with me?! This dizziness and fatigue are getting really frustrating, especially the fatigue. It could be a brain tumor, but I seriously doubt it. It’s just that they can cause dizziness and fatigue. I don’t think it’s a tumor, however, because I usually only get dizzy when I lie down or tilt my head in a certain way. I think it’s that crystal thing that’s causing the dizziness. Unfortunately, the fatigue is likely connected to my thyroid as much as I wish it wasn’t.

It literally makes me shiver to think of my thyroid being this bad when they threw me in jail. I would have definitely gone into a coma before they finally allowed me to have my medication.

Anyway, I’m going to begin ramping up my dose in preparation for labs and hope for the best but expect the anxiety to return once it builds up. It’s just that if I wait until February 1st to take it every day, it may not be quite enough time since I’ll be going to the lab in early March. Plus, I don’t want to shock my system. I’m going to go from 3 full doses to 4 full doses next week, 5 full doses the week after that, 6 full doses the week after that, then take it every day through February and hope to hell I don’t get anxious before labs, as unlikely as that seems.

Speaking of just how much I’ve lost since hitting menopause, I didn’t realize just how much those hormones that control libido also control other things as well, though it makes sense when I think about it. Many things are more interconnected than we may first realize. In other words, my loss of libido is part of what’s causing my writer’s block. I never have crushes on people anymore no matter how good-looking they may be, and therefore I don’t have anyone I’m eager to make a story out of. Libido isn’t just about the act of sex and getting off, so I realize, but connected to attraction as well. Again, it makes sense when I think about it.

Yesterday was unusually quiet, but today we’re right back with the planes and landscaping. A few days ago, the paramedics were at Dahl’s place and a large medical equipment truck was there yesterday. I wonder if the guy had a stroke or a heart attack. Tom said he appeared to be around 70 and not very healthy.

Last night I dreamed I was in some place against my will. I don’t know if it was more like a jail or Valleyhead but I’m guessing the latter based on the appearance of my surroundings in the dream. There were these small bunk beds in my room and I thought of how I would let someone know I didn’t need them anymore and tell them I wouldn’t be around much longer if they asked if I wanted to use them as shelves. However, I knew I could be there for years even though I was determined not to be.

Then I was outdoors walking down a sidewalk with tears of hope in my eyes for some kind of ceremony. There were people at picnic tables in grassy areas on both sides of me observing me as I made my way down the walkway. Shortly before this, someone was giving me a big hug and I kept repeating something over and over again, determined to make it a mantra to live by, whatever it was.

After I walked several hundred yards, I stopped to greet this lesbian couple I was familiar with. They happily announced they would be having another child through artificial insemination and I was elated for them.

Later…

Here we go with the water outages again. I just told him the other day that anytime now they would turn it off again. Yeah, I know their fucking schedule.

I created a new account on Twitter and opted out of discoverability in hopes that Aly won't find the account this way. I don’t show my face but I’m trying it out and will see if I might want to do my voice blogging there instead of on Bubbly.

Began the pilot of the first season of Twisted. It seems to be geared more toward older kids like Pretty Little Liars, but it’s something I might like.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2020 What the hell was that all about? After my walk, I had the runs. No idea why I have that from time to time.

Won from Rat & Mouse magazine a second time. :-) I won the Ship Rats Trilogy by Rhian Waller.

Another surprisingly peaceful morning. I could definitely get used to not having to hear planes so much. I could hear a few out on my walk but that’s about it. It’s very cloudy out there and I can’t even hear the freeway. There’s definitely a connection. If I hear the freeway, I hear the planes. So I guess it just depends on the wind and weather.

It was so cold out there! It was in the mid-forties, but the winds were calm. I walked for a half-hour and started off cold. Halfway into it, I warmed up as I knew I would. When I got back to the warm house, my cheeks felt like blocks of ice.

I only heard one landscaper, but no barking or outrageously loud vehicles. It was actually pretty dead out there. Like no one wanted to be out in the cold. Sooner or later, though, I’m sure I’ll hear some landscaping from inside the house or someone doing something.

I know I said I would stop giving a shit in general about what people that find my journal may think, and while that’s very true, I’m still going to keep it more generic than personal when it comes to public entries. The world still doesn’t need to know every single thing about my life.

The number I blocked tried to call, according to my notifications. So it works, which is nice, but I would still rather not get notifications. The whole idea is to keep them out of sight and out of mind and not be aware of unwanted callers and then have to clear notifications. I wonder if they could still leave voice messages if they wanted to.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2020 Just thought I would do an update while I wait to hear back from Dixie. I saw her yesterday, and today she said she needs milk and water from Walmart and needs help getting in. She asked if I would like to come along. I let her know I was available.

When I visited her yesterday, she was her usual non-stop chatty self. She’s definitely forgetful and a touch moody. Some of the things she says make absolutely no sense at all. After using her bathroom, I complained about how long it takes to pee when you get older and her solution was to tell me to stick a finger up my vagina and that would “get it all.” LOL Sure, Dixie, whatever.

It’s still nice to visit her every now and then. I enjoy helping her in ways I can. The poor thing can’t even hook her bra which I had to do for her when I got there. Since she still has a cast on her wrist, I took out her trash, checked her mail, cut some old pant legs into rags for her, and put a pillowcase on Diane’s drool-stained pillow. All the while I was doing this, I took pictures of all the rooms except for Dixie’s bedroom and bathroom and Dixie was none the wiser as to what I was up to, LOL. I did it to show Tom so he could compare her place to ours. It’s definitely had a lot more upgrading! If we had to stay here another four years as I believe we will, but could trade houses in an instant, I would probably do it.

What frustrated me was that I couldn’t figure out a way to upload all the pictures at once to Facebook. That’s easy to do on my cheap $1 Android but this $350 phone seems to have no option for that. That’s going to be a real bitch with all the pictures I plan to take on our next vacation.

Since I didn’t care for the mug that came with the hot cocoa gift package that was on clearance last week, I gave the reindeer-decorated mug to Dix and Di, and they appreciated it. I brought down a packet of minty hot chocolate, filled the mug with water after washing it, and zapped it in her microwave. I sipped on this while we chatted.

Anyway, not surprisingly, Dixie got a little upset by me suggesting she and Diane look into some kind of assisted living. I guess it’s just hard for older people to admit they really do need a helping hand and that things just aren’t the same. Trust issues are a big thing too. The two of them are really struggling big time. I honestly don’t see how they can go on as they have for much longer. Dixie can’t even get up from her chair normally. She has to put a wooden chair next to her lounger which she slides down onto her knees and then pushes herself up by placing her hands on the seat of the hard chair. If she can barely take care of herself, she can’t possibly take care of Diane properly with the way she is. I can definitely see doctors and others recommending she place Diane somewhere as they have. Linda, Diane’s babysitter, often helps out, but still. These two just shouldn’t be living on their own. I have a feeling they’re going to have to be forced out of there or something really bad is going to have to happen first. It’s sad and it reminds me that Tom and I will be old someday with absolutely no one to help us.

I did a heart attack risk predictor on two different sites and despite my shitty numbers, I have only a 3% chance of a heart attack over the next 10 years.

On my way back to our place yesterday, which is only four houses away, I could hear these creepy-sounding test sirens. I couldn’t hear them in the house, but I could hear them outside. I don’t think I’ve ever heard those before, and we’ve been here for 6.5 years. I’m not worried about Iran. As Tom said, there’s an election coming up. Besides, if they could take down a country that has way more weapons than they have, they would have already done so. Iran is easily one of the most hateful and deadliest countries, especially when it comes to the US. So they wouldn’t hesitate to wipe us out if they had the technology to do it.

Definitely not going to get cucumber mint-flavored sparkling water again. It’s just too weird. I’ll stick to my fruity flavors.

Yesterday was the second time I got a call from a number that’s been reported as a scammer, so I blocked it, curious to see if blocking actually works on this phone.

Since I decided to stop worrying about who sees what of my journal and started allowing comments, I got a private comment saying they like the writing prompts I’ve been doing and asked if they could ask me specific questions at times. I said sure. So they asked me to write about what kinds of stereotypes and generalizations bug me the most.

I’d say things about Jews being rich, and associating marriage with kids are a bit irritating. I’m from a Jewish family and I’m far from rich as are many other Jewish people. I’m married without children which has actually become more of the norm than the other way around. Many people that do have kids these days have them before tying the knot. But not everyone who gets married wants to have kids if they don’t already have them. I understand, though, that stereotypes don’t come out of nowhere as much as some of us may wish they did. Many Jewish people are wealthy and many people who got married before 20-30 years ago had kids. But… Times change. People change. Traditions change.

Dixie just messaged me to say she’s fighting with the government over the phone on something she won’t elaborate on but I’m guessing has to do with her inability to remain independent. So not going to the store and that’s OK because I really don’t feel all that great today. Mild dizziness and fatigue are back along with that strange pressure and sensation in my head where it’s almost vibrating. No idea what the hell it is.

Later…

Molly hasn’t tweeted since December 2nd, and I still can’t believe she would simply fail to notice Aly ghosting her or ignore her when she realizes she’s being ignored. She would be curious and want an explanation. Then she may even try to reach out to me.

I’m guessing she and Aly created new Twitter accounts somewhere to keep in touch. Not sure why Aly is reluctant to acknowledge her friendship to me when she knows I won’t pressure her about it and haven’t for a while. She knows how I feel about Molly and that’s that. We won’t try to change each other’s opinion of Molly. I’ve made it clear that I accept that she has a right to pick and choose her own friends.

They might be keeping in touch on WhatsApp and Molly may have other reasons for discontinuing her tweets, but I doubt it. Whether or not they’re in touch on WhatsApp, I think they’re still connected somewhere on Twitter. Not going to bother trying to find additional accounts of theirs because I just don’t care, especially about Molly. I’m sure I’ve done and said all kinds of things to offend Aly, knowing how sensitive she is, but if she’s mentioned it anywhere, so be it. She doesn’t have to tell me what she doesn’t want to share with me.

Even though Aly could decide to check every now and then and anyone can look me up by email, as she taught me, I’m back to using Bubbly again just for something to do. I still find myself getting bored at times and wanting to sit and chat about whatever comes to mind. Since I’m not a 10-year-old who can find comfort in talking to her dolls or playing pretend, Bubbly is my go-to when I want to do a verbal version of my journal.

I still only have one blog post and have been meaning to do a second one but I’m not feeling very motivated and encouraged. The odds of making much money this way still seem unlikely. If I’m going to work so hard for so little, it may as well be with the stories I enjoy writing. That is, whenever I have the luxury of ideas coming to me. I just don’t get as many ideas these days and when I do, they just don’t excite and motivate me in the way they used to.

I realize it’s been a long time since I cried. That’s how much better my emotions have been this last year or so. That doesn’t mean I still don’t get in blah moods at times like I am now or worried about future possibilities and things like that. But if I’m remembering correctly, I haven’t cried since we lost our last round of rats just over a year ago. I think it’s a combination of age, EMDR and hitting menopause. Just like some things don’t seem new and exciting the older we get, things also don’t tend to evoke negative emotions such as anger, stress and depression with the same frequency and intensity as when we’re younger.

At this very moment, I feel empty and bored and like I definitely need more variety in life. But what variety? Tom says he’ll never get bored when he retires because he has all kinds of projects he’s looking forward to doing. Well, I have all kinds of things I could do as well but they’re still along the similar lines of the same old things. My idea of a refreshing breath of fresh air to add variety that may perk me up isn’t something I can just act on at will. I can’t magically transplant myself even for just 15 minutes or so on the beaches of Maui, long enough to get some sunshine and take a dip in the ocean. I couldn’t just up and explore ancient ruins in some other country for a few hours either. I can’t go explore outer space. Hell, right now I can’t even muster up enough energy to go for a walk. I want to go out walking but just don’t have the energy even though I slept well.

It likely is low thyroid bogging me down, but until I can tolerate the medication regularly, there’s nothing I can do about it. I would still rather be tired than anxious. Dixie said she actually has more energy when she skips doses, but I can’t trust what someone half out of her mind says. LOL

Later…

Made myself hit the treadmill for 12 minutes and then another 10 or so outdoors. The planes have been quieter today, but the landscaping frenzy is quite annoying.

I picked up the mail on the way in and now I’m going to do whatever. First, how the hell did speech-to-text come up with “farting” for “bogging???” LOL, good thing I caught that because as I’ve learned, I’m pretty much on my own to catch my own typos since no one seems to want to point them out to me.

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2020 Decided I just didn’t like those elastic shoelaces very much, so I took them off my running shoes and relaced them with their original laces. These are the two pairs I have right now, one in pale pink, and the other in neon yellow with hot pink accents.

The morning is full of cold air and lots of planes, but hey, what else is new? As long as I feel better today, and so far, so good. I ended up having more dizziness yesterday and major fatigue for about an hour. I still have no idea what causes the random bouts of fatigue, but I still don’t feel like I have a cold either. Tom brought up the possibility of a sugar spike, but from what? I’m not diabetic and it had been a while since I had any sugar. What sugar I did have (Ghirardelli hot chocolate) was later on.

Either way, I will be going to see Dixie in a few hours. Tom will be working OT through the rest of the month, and soon he should find out more about what’s going on with the new owners. I’m really starting to think that he’ll be there until he retires. He may work part-time after we move, but I think this is going to be it for this state and that we’re pretty much not guaranteed to move until 2024. As I’ve always known and believed, nothing up there is going to be kind enough to make it that easy for us to get out of what’s been the noisiest place we’ve ever lived in. The only difference between him and I is that he’s not home or is asleep during the worst of it and he is very hard of hearing. I know most places are noisy these days, but still. There’s got to be some places left that are quieter than this that aren’t in a cold climate. I’ve got the air cleaner turned up high in the room I’m sitting in and I can still hear the rumble of jets overhead.

I may have gotten too old to lose weight (without damn near starving), but one is never too old to eat healthily, and so I made a point of having a rather large but healthy breakfast to get me going through most of the day. Okay, so the chuck steak may have been high in cholesterol, but that, including the avocado and steamed broccoli I had, wasn’t processed. I cooked it all from scratch and added nothing but zero-calorie butter spray to the veggies and a touch of salt-free Mrs. Dash to the steak dipped in a tiny dollop of A1 sauce.

For lunch, I’ll have some blueberries and OJ, and dinner will be my only processed item of a Chinese noodle and veggie bowl. I’ve got green and red grapes for snacking in between.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 2020 Tipi, from the Heart for Hearts Collection, was ordered yesterday and will be here on the 13th.

Started off my day yesterday with major fatigue but eventually perked up enough to go to the store and even for a walk afterward.

I’m still having some dizziness upon lying down and standing up, so there’s something going on with my inner ear. I am absolutely not going to the doctor until I’m scheduled to, so it better work itself out. Tom thinks I just have a little cold and I hope he’s right. I don’t think I have an infection. I’ve only had one infection since the '90s that I know of.

Sure enough, the two glasses of wine I had yesterday messed up my sleep, although my sleep seems to be cursed most of the time no matter what. I woke up for a while in the middle of my sleep and had a hard time getting back asleep. I was too tired to get up, though. So I kind of slept in shifts. I’m not as tired as I usually am when my sleep gets broken up, but I sure had fatigue earlier. It’s like going to Target this morning really sucked the juice out of me. I lay down for a few minutes when we got back and that seemed to re-energize me. I even did an exercise video.

When I first woke up it was after a very vivid dream about my parents being alive again. We went to a restaurant and my mother was her usual stand-offish self who didn’t participate much in the conversation.

I was telling Dad that I hoped Trump wouldn’t get re-elected and he said something about a Democrat named Cooper that people were pretty sure would be elected.

Then I said I was surprised no one tried to take out Trump and he said that was because of the way they increased security after Reagan was shot. Only he gave a name that didn’t make sense in the dream.

Then on the way out of the restaurant which opened into a large gym-like room with hardwood floors, I realized I left my handbag on the table, so I ran back for it. When I first began running, however, my body never went anywhere. It’s like I was running in place. But I finally retrieved my handbag and pulled out a tube of red lipstick I would never wear. Dad then made some joke about accidentally reaching in my bag for it, getting it all over him and people laughing at him or some silly thing like that. But it made sense to me in the dream and I burst out laughing.

The dream left me wondering, though. It was just one of those dreams that gave me one of those feelings that’s hard to describe. If it does mean anything, I couldn’t begin to say what. That they still go on somehow? That Trump isn’t going to be re-elected? Was it a glimpse into another dimension? Something else?

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2020 I guess you could say I’m quite a hypocrite today, LOL. I just got done telling a friend how much better it is to avoid processed foods. I’ve been having more fruits and veggies and less processed food. My weight has been down a bit and my blood pressure is better. But what did I do today at Rite Aid? Well, I couldn’t resist helping myself to some of the clearance items that aren’t exactly healthy. I got a mini Mrs. Fields chocolate and caramel gift basket with cookies, candy and hot chocolate. Dixie can have the mug that came with it.

I passed by her and Linda when getting the mail yesterday, but we didn’t realize it right away. I looked down the street and saw the vehicle stop in front of what I thought was either her place or Pat’s but couldn’t be sure from my vantage point. She emailed me saying she didn’t realize it was me till right after she passed me.

I’ve also been avoiding wine and gum, but got a couple of mini bottles today - Merlot and Rosé. Plus, a small bag of chips. So, not doing all that great today but at least I got a lot of healthy stuff from Sam’s. One of their roasted chickens, plus lots of fruits and veggies. Good to see the blueberries are back since I never really cared for Walmart’s.

Going to Target tomorrow and yes, I’ll be grabbing another packet of Godiva hot chocolate. I’m glad I can get singles and have one every now and then instead of a whole box. The stuff is awesome when made with milk instead of water.

I think I may be getting over a cold. Not sure exactly what my problem was but for a few days I’ve been having lots of dizziness and fatigue. I treated both ears again this morning and the dizziness seems to be subsiding. Going out always perks me up even though it’s rainy, foggy and downright dreary out there.

I should do another blog post but wanted to update this journal first because I have other things to do.

A couple of nights ago I slept shitty as if I was back in perimenopause. I dreamed that we were looking at rentals and ended up renting my childhood home. I set up the bed in one of the back bedrooms and said we would have to put an AC in the window during the summer because of the humidity.

Then I went into the master bedroom and saw there was one in one of those windows and a bed the previous people left only it wasn’t on the wall my parents had their bed but by the window where the AC was.

In another dream, I was walking down the street and passed this place where somebody I knew lived, though I’m not sure who. The door was open, so I walked in, but no one was home. I decided to lie down on the bed in their guest room and wait for the person to arrive. Unexpectedly, I fell asleep and then woke up a few hours later. I was totally exhausted.

I got up and went into the living room and realized there was a cassette playing of someone talking that I had made. I put it in the player before napping, not realizing it would start playing. I stopped it, glad the person didn’t come home to find it running, knowing how confused they would have been.

The dream ended with me trying to decide whether I should leave, try to stay awake, or lie back down again.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 2020 I’m trying to figure out whether or not I have swollen lymph nodes. My left one seems like it might be. Taking some ibuprofen for it helped. Every now and then I swear there’s some kind of lump on the left side of my neck right where it meets the chest that I can feel if I put my head down and toward the left. Well, I read up on lymph nodes and we also have some right above the collarbone which is in that area. Since they never tell me my thyroid is enlarged, I now wonder if that’s what it could be. It seems there are a number of things that can swell the lymph nodes.

I was still getting dizzy despite having treated my good ear 4 times. Tom looked in both ears and found that my bad ear needed to be oiled and maybe hit with some alcohol and peroxide which I had him mix up and throw in that ear. At first there was nothing and then it bubbled like crazy. That one treatment alone seems to have helped a lot, too.

I’ve been having some headrushes and ringing in that ear, and at first, we wondered if I might have a cold since so many people are sick now. I still think of sneezing, coughing and congestion when it comes to colds. But other than getting some chills every now and then and feeling rundown, I don’t think I have a cold or an infection of any kind.

Despite having Alexa playing brown noise on volume 4, I can still make out the rumble of the first of today’s planes. As I’ve asked myself a million times, why aren’t I used to this shit yet?

We went to Target yesterday for the first time in quite a while. Although more expensive, it’s a lot nicer than Walmart. The store was clean and uncrowded, and come to think of it, there was no blasting music either. Just a couple of stockers in the way. Maybe we should go there more often than Walmart. Instead of going there every Sunday, maybe we can go every other Sunday or something like that. Maybe he can go to Walmart when I can’t accompany him and then we can go to Target together.

Tom finally figured out how to get MorePro’s app to track whether or not he has sleep apnea or gets low on oxygen and things like that in his sleep, but the catch is that you can only track it between midnight and 7 a.m. He usually crashes well before midnight, so he can’t always get complete info, but he’s gotten enough to tell him he’s a good sleeper. No signs of heart conditions or anything. As soon as I’m crashing at midnight, I’ll wear my own MorePro and see what it comes up with for me.

Finished watching YOU on Netflix and have picked up where I left off with the new Criminal Minds on Hulu.

I’m currently reading I Know What You Did by N.L. Hinkins and it’s a good mystery/drama.

Based on the video a friend shared with me and the things we discussed, and that Tom and I discussed, I’m going to start a little experiment. I don’t “blog.” But I sure as hell am about to start. :-) It’s going to be a Q&A site of sorts on things people may look up info on, which means I have to be as correct as possible and do my research well. I’m going to turn my old Blogger blog into a place of questions, answers and various tidbits of information that I’ll research and format in a way that will hopefully be indexed by Google and rank high on the list. Google Analytics only tells me which countries visit but that’s enough to start with. Depending on how this pans out, and I realize it may take time and I have to be patient, I may create my own website later on down the road.

Tom thinks I should focus more on what I like to do and not what money it may bring. Well, I love keeping a journal (I wrote 335 days last year), and creative writing, just like he loves coding. I also wouldn’t mind experimenting and broadening my horizons. We both watched the video together and I’m going to base my posts on that general format.

I emailed Dixie to see how her wrist is doing and to get a sense as to whether or not she may be up for company tomorrow morning.

We took care of the pigs today and the rats are on for changing tomorrow. I do the rats every 10 days and the pigs every other day. The fish is every month.

Other than cleaning the kitchen today and getting a little more exercise, I’m definitely going to get back on with proofreading and editing my story. I want to get that submitted for publication as soon as I can.

First is posting this journal entry and then tackling my blog!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2020 Written yesterday, last year:

I’ve got quite a bit to update on but I’m really tired now so I may not post and share this entry until next year.

Tom and I were talking about how we hate crowds and aren’t people-people for the most part. I said to him, “You’re not racist and you’re not sexist, so do you consider yourself peoplist?” I mean, there should be such a word, I would think. LOL

The only thing that’s depressing about entering the '20s is that we’re now just two decades from death since I believe we’re going in the early '40s. When I think about having only 20 years left, give or take a few, it doesn’t seem like much. But then when I compare that amount of time by thinking back to the late 90s on up until now, it really is a long time. We’ve done so much and so much has happened in that time, both good and bad.

I have a short-term and a long-term goal for the next decade. The short-term one should happen in about a year and definitely appeals to us a lot more than Alcatraz and that’s returning to Hawaii. I’m already excited about it and we’ve already discussed some things we want to do. Some things we definitely want to do again and some things we don’t. While we certainly wouldn’t mind another submarine ride, it wouldn’t be as exciting the second time around. We definitely don’t want to attend another luau. That just wasn’t very impressive. But we absolutely LOVED snorkeling! So another catamaran sail is in order for sure. We don’t want to just be on the beach we want to be on the ocean and inside of it as well. Another thing we talked about doing that we have yet to experience is a helicopter ride, even though some tourists got killed recently.

My long-term goal is to go into business at some point this decade. I just don’t want to pay the many grand it would cost for medical transcription training with no guarantees in the end. We could use that money for other things. But then I got into a discussion with a guy as we were doing some work on his site troubleshooting links, and he may hire me as a content writer for his site. I was both surprised and flattered that he feels I’m more than qualified to do it and says it bugs him that Penzu ranks higher on the search list than his site. It all comes down to keywords. They outsource their articles and links, as he showed me. He also showed me a video on those that have websites that they mostly use with the idea in mind of getting as much traffic to it and making money that way. It’s sort of like AdSense. The key is writing all kinds of articles that people would search for. Even if you’re not an expert on a particular subject, you can investigate it enough to write an article in your own words.

He reminded me to be careful sharing links on his site that my family could find, and while they would be a definite concern if I did own any kind of online business, knowing that sooner or later they’re going to try to get my attention again, I realize that I have to move on and live my life. I can’t always worry about what this one may do or what that one may do. I have to live my life for me.

We talked about how we would need to expand our vocabulary since not everybody calls it a diary. Journal, which is French for daily, is what many refer to something that they write about their day-to-day lives in regularly. Then there are some that consider regular posts of almost any kind to be a blog. Everybody has their preferred terms. Like “African-American” vs. “black.” Or “native American” vs. “American Indian.”

He really is a cool guy. As I told him, I consider myself a feisty feminist who won’t hesitate to take care of herself when need be, so I would definitely and gladly feel safe walking through a dark alley with him in tow. I know he would totally mess up anyone who fucked with me!

All I know is that I hope to hell the next decade is better than the last because the 10s were easily the worst decade of my life. I’ve had all kinds of frustrating, depressing, stressful and infuriating moments in my life, but never before did I literally believe I was going to die like I did a few months after we got to Cali, then when the economy collapsed, and then when my meds blew up my heart. The closest I came before that was with the kick-ass asthma attacks I had back east as a smoker in the early 90s, and not having any liquids as well as food for a few days as a kid, thanks to my mother taunting me about my weight even though I was hardly “fat” as a kid.

Still have more to write about but I’m definitely out of energy. I didn’t sleep all that great or as long as I usually do last time around, so I’ve been tired all night. Going to spend the last few hours of my day with Netflix and an audiobook.

Written right after the new year and new decade begins:

Well, at least I got to listen to the fireworks with only just one plane mixed in. Yeah, those things go back and forth between being horrible and quiet. A couple of mornings ago there was a hell of a lot more than just 5 or 6 an hour, especially between 5:15 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. Sometimes I feel like the 4 years we have left here is more like a jail sentence than a waiting game, especially when it is noisy because of planes, traffic, landscaping or projects.

December’s royalties were pitiful compared to November. I barely made a little over a quarter of what I made in December. Hopefully, it was just a holiday thing. No new bashings on Amazon or Goodreads. I decided to use Goodreads to keep track of what I read.

Decided to get a few different kinds of salad dressing to give my salads some variety. The Raspberry Vinaigrette is surprisingly boring. Cucumber Dill is so-so. A little too much dill as opposed to cucumber. Caesar is excellent and I’ve always liked Ranch. Italian tends to be a little salty, so I didn’t get that, and I could make my own Russian if I wanted to with mayo and ketchup.

I’m breaking the house up into sections for dusting since it’s my least favorite chore. Rather than dust larger sections in fewer days, I’ll do smaller sections over the course of more days than usual.

Had a dream that Maliheh was driving us somewhere. She pulled over to the side of the road when she recognized some people she knew. They looked at us suspiciously and one of them asked if we were together. We held hands, pretending that we were, but I knew Maliheh wouldn’t do that unless she really did like me.

Ugh, no thanks. Forgiving is definitely off the table from here on out, and she’d be the last person I’d consider if I was looking anyway.