#the caption... get his ass 13

[thjslove]

house md · season 4 You spend your whole life looking for answers… Because you think the next answer will change something, maybe make you a little less miserable. And you know that when you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers. You run out of hope. You glad you know that?

[seonghwaddict]

falling and sleeping — choi jongho

in which falling in love with you felt like falling asleep; natural and unnoticed.

best friend!choi jongho x fem!reader. genre. fluff, crack, friends to lovers. warnings. cursing, none he's just a little nervous. wc. 1.5k. rating. pg-13

lilo’s notes. hiii here's a fluffy little jongho fic because i love him. this isn’t proofread btw i’m sorry for any errors! also, my upload schedule is now on saturday's :3

listening to. from the start, laufey

masterlist.

“hyung!”

jongho burst into the living room of his shared dorm with wooyoung and hongjoong. hongjoong was nowhere to be found, likely at the studio or something, and wooyoung sprawled on the couch, watching a drama on the tv, scrolling through his phone, and taking occasional sips of his comically large coffee cup simultaneously. at the sound and sudden appearance of jongho, he looked away from the screen.

“something wrong?” he yawned, turning his phone off and dropping it on his chest.

“yes. i figured out my problem-“

wooyoung snorted, eyes drifting back to the television screen. “yeah? which one?”

“shut the fuck up, i’ll strangle you,” jongho paused what was supposed to be his dramatic monologue to glare at the dark haired fox-resembling man on the couch. he waited a second before sighing. “my y/n problem. i figured it out. so-“

“you have a problem with her?” at the mention of jongho’s best friend’s name, wooyoung’s attention was captured. if he had a problem with you, that meant something terrible must have happened. truthfully, wooyoung would hate that. he’d been rooting for the two of you for years, even if neither of you were aware of how perfect you were for each other.

“hey! stop interrupting me,” jongho kicked his shin lightly before continuing, “well, no, we don’t have a problem but things felt weird for some reason and i have come to a conclusion.”

“okay… and…?” wooyoung gestured for him to continue, his dramatic pause putting him on edge.

“i’m allergic to her.”

“… excuse me?” it was then that he decided to turn off the tv, giving his full attention to his younger friend.

“i’m allergic to her.”

“oh, for the love of-“ wooyoung groaned and threw himself back on the couch, screaming into a pillow, “CHOI JONGHO YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HER!”

a confused expression crossed his face as he watched his friend’s dramatic antics and jongho sat down, forcefully pulling the pillow from wooyoung’s face. he should’ve found hongjoong instead, maybe he would’ve been more helpful.

“no, no, don’t be silly,” he tossed the pillow aside and spoke, hands flailing around to emphasise his point. wooyoung was on he verge of banging his head against a wall, “lately when i go near her my stomach itches and i feel all warm and sometimes it gets hard to breath and…”

the realisation that spread across his face was a picture wooyoung wanted to take and print out, plastering it on his wall and also adding it to his resume with the caption ‘i’m literally cupid.’

“… and oh my god i’m in love with her.”

a loud cheer left wooyoung as he sprang up from the couch, going on a five minute rant about how long he’d been waiting for this and how he always knew there was something. “you should go tell her right now.”

“w-what- no! i just figured out i’m in love with my best friend and you expect me to just… go and tell her?”

“that’s exactly what i expect,” he nodded, crossing his arms and leaning his weight on one leg, “didn’t she tell you about how she overheard someone say some guy from her workplace wanted to ask her out for valentines?”

“well, yeah… but-”

“no buts!” he held his palm up, silencing jongho. “you can’t let that home-wrecker ask her out before you. so, get your ass off that couch, change into something nice and go tell her you love her. and buy some flowers in the way.”

“it’s not home-wrecking if we aren’t even toge-“

“that��s besides the point, now do as i say if you ever want a relationship with her.” wooyoung rolled his eyes and turned on his heels, walking to where his jacket hung on the coat rack. he pulled out his wallet and, surprisingly, fished out his credit card to give to jongho. “this is for flowers and some chocolates only.”

and so half an hour later he was walking down the hallway of your floor of your apartment building, wearing an all-black ensemble of slacks a shirt and a trench coat, holding a bouquet of various flowers he didn’t know the names of in one hand and a small box of your favourite chocolate ms in the other. he could still abort and leave without you ever knowing he was there in the first place. you’d given him a key to the building a while ago, trusting him with it since your apartment was practically his second home.

he considered doing just that again, but the bought of you going out with another man who wasn’t him had his heart aching, giving him some courage to finally step in front of your door. he practiced what he wanted to say to you under his breath as he stared at the familiar dark grey door. when he thought he was ready, he reached out to ring the doorbell.

only to pull away at the last second and begging pacing back and forth nervously. eventually, he stopped, clenching his eyes shut and forcing himself to ring your doorbell. there was no going back now.

when you opened the door and you looked at him with your bright eyes and enchanting smile, he felt the nervousness in his stomach melt away and get replaced by butterflies and a soft pink tint on his cheeks. “oh, hey, jjong-“

“i love you.”

you blinked at him, not noticing the very obvious items in his hands, eyes fixed in his face. not quite understanding, you chuckled lightly, “you know i love you too.”

“no, you don’t get it. i mean, i in love with you. i fucking love you and i’m not sure if i’ve ever felt so strongly about someone in my life. i smile when someone mentions you, my heart flutters when i’m around you, fuck, when i see your smile it feels like all my problems have been solved and… your presence, god, it just fucks me up in the best way possible. i can’t believe i didn’t realise this sooner, but i’ve fallen for you, y/n. though, i suppose i didn’t realise it because falling felt like sleeping and sleeping feels so natural and easy that i never realised it until now.”

you stared at each other. he stared with all the admiration he could muster and you stared with mild shock and, under that, relief. “you… you love me?”

“oh my god, i… i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have- i’ve made things awkward, haven’t i? just- just forget that-“

you soft palm covering his lips drove him to silence, looking at you with wide eyes as you pulled him into your apartment, closing the door with your unoccupied hand. his heart skipped a beat as you grinned and whispered your next words.

“jongho, i love you—in that way—too.” you dropped your hand from his mouth slowly, looking down at the flowers and the chocolates, giggling, “you really didn’t have to get all this.”

you took them out of his hands slowly, avoiding his gaze, flustered as you placed his gifts on the marble counter of the kitchen behind you. he hadn’t said anything since your confession, cheeks burning and jaw dropped slightly. he couldn’t believe it. he couldn’t believe you liked loved him back.

he drew your attention to him, breathing out your name. “you… you love me too?”

“yes, you dense cabbage, i love you,” your laugh was melodic as you took both his hands in yours, nodding, “now shut up and kiss me.”

jongho’s expression finally changed into a giddy grin as he pulled his hands out of your grasp to hold your waist, leaning forward and brushing his lips against yours. when you didn’t protest, not that he expected you to, he deepened it into a proper kiss that he hoped conveyed his need for you. he felt like his knees would go weak as your delicate hands trailed up his torso to his head, brushing his hair absentmindedly as you kissed him back with equal intensity.

eventually, you had to separate to catch your breaths and jongho mentally cursed the human need for oxygen. he liked kissing you, your lips slotting together like puzzle pieces. when he felt like the tension had gone completely, he leaned forward to press repeated pecks to your lips, basking in the way you giggle and tried to meet each one of his quick kisses.

“i think i have a tiny crush on you,” you muttered once he decided he kissed you enough (it was never enough, really, but he wanted to let you breathe), fighting back a stupid grin.

“you think?” he snorted, one hand coming up to cup your cheek, thumb tracing your jawline and eyes full of affection.

“yeah, a teeny tiny one.”

he laughed heartily, giving you one more peck “i paid with wooyoung’s card, by the way.”

“in that case you should’ve gotten at least five more bouquets.”

network. @cromernet

taglist. @ad0rechuu @sankatchu @mlink64 @yeosangsbb @seonghwasbbgirl @likexaxdaydream @dreamingofyeo

[accio-victuuri]

how many cpns can you get from a 7 second douyin by wyb? 💚💚💚

The Douyin King is back! I know i’m not the only one who missed his random ass douyin posts. They are very much welcome, he is free to share one everyday. I’m cackling at the comparison going around between WYB and other people. So, the rest of the celebrities and influencers are posting on a regular basis per month and have different topics.

photos at work, travel photos, interests/hobbies. this line represents the whole year. there is another diagram that shows how many per line, like 1-2 or more. then you have wang yibo 😂😂😂

line 1 : I'm busy at work and have no time. // line 2: I don’t have time to skateboard, ride a motorcycle or play golf // line 3: Visit my gege’s camping site and the volcano scenery is very good and has a lot of material// line 4: happy and don’t have much time// line 5: Shoot whoever is lucky enough to shoot!

then all the lines after is when he will post — shows that he will share a lot towards the end of the year to keep up with KPI. lol. he is rushing his homework again, to the point that on the video, people are searching what wyb’s kpi mean. which is the engagement metrics he needs to reach and now he gotta work on it, even the fans know and expect it.

the memes are also hilarious! 😂😂😂 ( cat memes below ) basically him working on making his “cool” posts to the internet.

Honestly, never change yibo. We love you as you are, Our Gremlin Best Actor. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

That was a long intro, now let’s move on to the sweets & CPN…..

• @rainbowsky already talked about the messenger bird CPN & how it might be for ZZ’s Hennessy endorsement.

• similarity in how sometimes, they just wanna post an emoji for caption. this one is a cute parallel from 2021 and 2023. If you wanna further clown with WYB using kadian 13 for yizhan then go ahead too 😌

• it is being compared to him referencing his shoes before, picking up his shoes ( xie zi ) (xz) ; and now it’s another homophonic clue ( jm ) ⬇️⬇️⬇️

yes we know that you get to meet more often now cause you are both in Beijing! It’s so cool how their language can be used for so many things and you can play with it to send different meanings. international fans could never 💀💀💀💀

• talking about picking up and meeting, cpfs remembered ZZ’s 11/17/21 douyin post. It’s the one with him and a light saber and a sexy transformation. Going by his clothes, I’m thinking it was what he wore during the DC tencent conference and at the time of posting it was already considered as leftover. but I could be wrong, cause he might have worn other leather jackets that year for ads.

anyway, the point is — please compare the background of the rooms. the walls. you know. add the floor too. 👀

look, this isn’t the most unique type of interior. i would say it’s pretty basic like how we clown about hotel curtains. i’m guessing yibo’s is an evisu shoot sometime ago ( cause his hair is not that fluffy anymore idk if his stylist did something to make it like that even with his recent cut ). this place may be a studio of sorts that can be rented out and they just happen to have filmed there.

or… or…..

this could be XZS office. or one of their rented office. Why? this CPN is similar to the one in 2020. How we speculated that the birthday shoot was done in XZS office so ZZ could supervise the direction of the shoot too.

we also love to talk about how xzs and ybo office are right next to each other ( it’s a fact xzs is close to yuehua building actually ) so maybe that can be an explanation too 😂😂😂 it’s not uncommon for an office to have a separate space to do regular photoshoots so maybe theirs have that. or this could have been done after and wyb dropped off their office and took this.

hahahahahaha! so many explanations all because of a wall. that’s the kind of life we turtles have 🙃

Personally, i’m hoping for a 24 hour relay between them. 🙏🏼

-END.

[luvvrz]

Okay but I feel like we as a society genuinely don't talk enough about how the boys would be if Supernatural took place today, in like 2024. For starters, Dean would be twitter famous, *that's* a given. Stan twitter would be all over that, making edits of him, and he'd EAT THAT SHIT UP. And don't even get me started about the thirst traps he'd be dropping on TikTok.

Sammy, on the other hand, would have absolutely no social media except, like, an Instagram that Dean begged him to make. He always had like a steady 13 followers for like the six years he had the account, and the only post on it is some nerdy ass picture he took in early high-school that's captioned 'I'm a 9th grader now 😄." Then, of course, everybody finds out that THEE Dean Winchester has an equally cute little brother, and they all flock to his account, and overnight, he gains like 300 thousand followers...

And all he's got to show for it is that dinky ass picture from high-school when his bangs were cut too damn short, and Dean won't tell him how to delete it.

[108garys]

Manny Sherman dialogue transcribed

I really enjoyed transcribing the little hope puritan dialogue a bit ago despite it being one heck of an undertaking and I've always wanted to do a similar thing on a much smaller scale(this time) so as an afternoon task I pulled up a video of the four Sherman tapes and typed out his on screen dialogue, it'll be good for writing him and better understanding his vocabulary and maybe some time around I'll do something a little more substantial like Randolph Hodgson's journal but that aside I feel Sherman's dialogue flows really well and does a great job with characterisation, can you believe there's barely more than a thousand words from him all up? Regardless I've tried to follow the in game captions on the video which can be a little hard at times due to white text on a grey background with the occasional white detail obscuring stuff but I believe I got it at least 99% accurate and beyond that I added in places in brackets that he laughed but not the uncaptioned sounds of him getting his ass kicked because I thought one added something and the other wouldn't(and here's the video I used)

(interrogation - tape 1)

Manny Sherman. Born January one. Nineteen fifty-six.

Come on, you already know all this. What do you want?

What's this?… Huh… You've been doing your research, haven't you Special Agent Munday?

What are my favorite television programs?

Describe my first pet.

What were your friends like as a child?

What is this?!

You taking a survey or you trying to learn something?

Would it kill you to be direct?

You wanted to know what inspired me? As if I wasn't an original?

Well… maybe there was one man I found myself a little fascinated by.

Henry. Howard. Holmes.

Why? Because he was numero uno.

America's first. The guy invented the trade. He set the benchmark, you know?

Learn your history, Munday. Read a book.

You think because I stuck a blade in some people and get off on it I'm not smart?

I, heh… 'allegedly'… killed 13 people before you got smart enough to find me…

__

(interrogation - tape 2)

…had to build my own little castle, just like Holmes did.

Most people like me do their business where their target lives. That's just asking to get caught.

Holmes had the right idea. It was all about the honeytrap.

You bring me some smokes? Like I asked?

Lucky Reds? Yes! These are like gold in here. Damn that's good. So yeah, the honey pot.

Holmes built a hotel about a mile from the World's Fair and CALLED it the World's Fair Hotel and bought ad space in the papers alongside ads for the expo.

Rubes from far and wide assumed it was the official hotel!

Ma and Pa Kettle take a train in from Nebraska, takes three days, they roll up into that joint ready to rest, get to their room… and whoops- what do ya know… Holmes had a gas pipe hidden under the bed and poisons them.

Or maybe he pulls a trap door on them.

Maybe he separates them and makes one watch through a window while he slits the other's throat.

That's the advantage of a honey pot: no shortage of targets.

That's why I picked all those houses north of the airport.

That whole neighborhood was scheduled for demolition and yet…

All those lovely realtor ladies must not have gotten the memo.

Call up as a contractor, tell them I'm flipping, have them meet me out there… and look at that… we're the only two people for miles.

The first couple times I'd wait for a plane to fly over, just to hide their screams, but…

after a while I realized they could scream as loud as they wanted.

No one was gonna hear a thing.

That's what I remember most.

Those screams.

You can try to understand why I am the way I am. You can forensic science up all the data you want.

But you'll never know… You'll never know, Munday… You'll never really know how it feels when you watch the fire burn out of somebody.

__

(interrogation - tape 3)

(laughter)

A whole carton this time? You trying to get on my good side or something?

Think I'll save them.

What? No questions? What's going on with you, Munday?

You seem different.

(laughter) I see that that glimmer in your eye, you little devil.

I can keep secrets, man… we all have them.

That prosecutor is trying to get numbers out of me. Know that?

Of course you know that. Numbers. They got Holmes for 27… but we know he was closer to 200, right?

Can you imagine that? I wish I'd had the time to try and beat that.

Sure they know about those nice realtor ladies… they got families after all.

But the numbers the D.A. is asking me about… I think he knows there's some people out there- rejects… misfits… the kind of people that when you see them coming you look the other way.

Does anyone notice if they go missing?

My father always told me to leave my mark on the world.

I never knew what he meant by that- not until I watched that first girl bleed out.

I call it art. That's my signature on society.

It's not murder, it's an aesthetic response to what this has world made me.

Ask people to list killers, and they'll drop five, ten on you before they can't think of any more.

Ask them to name the detectives that caught those killers- no one is going to say a damn thing.

No one knows them. No one cares.

No one makes movies about them.

No one puts their faces on t-shirts.

No one gives a shit.

(quiet chuckle)

I've left my mark on the world…

…have you?

__

(interrogation - tape 4)

You want to know what it means to be a killer?

You ever been to the art museum downtown?

They got this painting by a guy… forgot his name. Famous painter.

He did portraits of slaughtered cows hanging on hooks.

You take a normal person to a slaughterhouse and they will puke their guts out.

You make it into a painting and suddenly it's art.

There's no difference between the two. Not really.

Don't look at me like that. You know I'm right.

You get it. I know you get it.

You got to do something that matters. Make people feel something they've never felt before.

Shatter the illusion that any of us are really in control.

Think of the most profound thing you've ever done… the most beautiful thing you've ever created… and I promise you… it's nothing compared to watching the life bleed out of someone.

To see the fear in their eyes, to feel them pawing at you for release, to hear them pleading- begging…

That moment when someone realizes they are at their end…

That's when you feel it. That's true art.

That's what you have to be- an artist… a sculptor… an architect.

I see the gleam in your eye, Agent Munday, You're not fooling me.

Oh, look at you now, huh?

Am I going to be your first?

Well come on then- I'm right here.

This room is soundproof- you don't even have to wait for a plane to fly overhead.

There… There you are… I see you now.

Not bad… not bad at all.

Bare hands can feel good, huh?

But the blade makes for such a prettier picture.

You've got potential. Agent Munday…

If you truly want to be an artist.

__

@kassiekole22 @delurkr @ctrvpani @aydeenchan

@tinynightmarewoman @kindheartedgummybears @mybrainrotforreal (Know idea as ever with this character on who'd be interested in this but it was a good exercise at any rate)

[rodentgoth]

.X| "Answer Phone" - Ch.6 |X.

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WHAT'S THIS AN UPDATE AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS!? Sorry this is taking so long, but me and @candy12110 are gonna try and get this done! The next few chapters will be from Marvus's POV, and the last one will go back to Chixie's.

Rating:: 13+ // Teen

Fandom:: Homestuck

Themes/Kinks:: None

*1 month earlier*

Marvus was so tired. 

He'd been on his feet all day preparing for his set, and he finally got a chance to just breathe without some lovestruck groupie up his ass asking for an autograph, a hug, or trying to fill his quadrants.

 It was exhausting being loved. 

He was sitting in his dressing room alone for once, trying to relax while scrolling on Chittr. After scrolling past various adverts and stalkerish fan messages, he came across a video of some bronzeblood performing. They were in a seedy little bar, with a small crowd, and terrible lighting. He didn't have high expectations for them but he could always appreciate a fellow performer.

He watched the video to the very end and was mildly surprised by how much he enjoyed it. He went to the comments, and there were only a few. He wanted to comment but his publicist, and his fanbase, would kill him if he did. He could tell the few trolls that did comment were lower on the hemospectrum, they were pretty supportive. However, he did notice one from a familiar account that caused him to internally cringe.

THECODAKKEFFECT::  Great job, Bronzie boo! Sorry, I couldn't make it. I couldn't miss Marvus’s concert but you looked gorgeous on stage.

He stared at the screen curiously, there was no way in hell that indingdong was her matesprit. And if he was, there was no way he had any good intentions behind it, he was known for having his quadrants forever empty.

 Marvus rewatched the Bronzie’s performance, the shot was way too shitty to tell what they looked like. Morbid curiosity led him down the rabbit hole, he got the bronzeblood’s name from the video caption and started looking for anything he could find on them. 

Chixie? Chixie. Chixie!

He found a video with far better quality that finally showed what they looked like. Chixie was…shy? Nervous? He wouldn't necessarily say gorgeous, but she wasn't ugly either. She was…cute. She didn't have much presence or hype but she was talented. 

After watching at least ten videos of her performing and pouring out her soul he could reasonably say he was a fan. Her lyrics, composition, and the way she put her all into her performance even if he could tell she was scared for her life half the time. Honestly, her nervousness weirdly added to her cuteness. Like a hopbeast shivering in fear but still thumping along in an attempt to scare off predators. She was definitely brave, not fierce or powerful, but she held her own on stage and he liked that. 

He broke out of his thoughts to a knock at the door.

"Marvus, I'm coming in. I'm tired of all the noise out here," Chahut announced, busting through the door and entering the room with the rest of the purplebloods following her like quackbeasts.

"Honk!" The smallest clown, Karako, ran up to Marvus and hugged as tight as he could. As annoyed as he was with them barging in, he couldn’t stay mad at the little clown. 

"Hey to you too, little wriggler. Been causing trouble?" He patted the little clown’s messy fluff of hair, before actually holding onto him.

"Honk!" 

"Good. Never let 'em keep you in a box." 

"Honk?" Karako pointed at Marvus's palmhusk.

"What? Her? Nothing. I just liked her songs so I was giving ‘em a listen," He waved the runt off, quickly locking his palmhusk.

Chahut narrowed her eyes at him.

 “This another one of ya desperate lil’ groupies?”

“Nah, and mind ya business!”

"Mighty defensive are we?" Chahut stalked closer to Marvus. He instinctively moved the hand holding the device away from her, only for it to get snatched by one of the twins from behind.

They quickly opened the phone to see a video of the bronzie girl playing on a loop.

“Aww your love-sick for a lil’ Bronze girl,” Chahut said mockingly.

“How cute!” She quickly busted out laughing with the twins, before Marvus snatched it back!

“Didn’t I tell ya’ll to mind ya business!” Marvus responded with a clenched jaw. He didn't know why he was being so defensive, but he did find the invasion of his space and privacy annoying.

"Why should we? Mr. Unaffected is over here creeping on some bronzeblood. What happened? Embarrassed?" She said smirking and cocking her head.

The twins both shook their heads before speaking.

"You should be!"

"How embarrassing." 

Karako just looked up at the bigger clown confused.

"Honk?" 

Marvus’s face grew angrier by the second.

"I'm not feeling flushed for her little man. Why do y'all even care?"

“Cause we love to torture you!” 

Chahut commented as she gave the device back to him.

He immediately snatched it out of her hands, causing Chahut to jump back a bit.

“Jeez, we were just playin’!”

He glared up at her annoyed, before sitting back down. The room fell silent for a bit before the twins began to speak.

"You're not seriously developing feelings for the bronzie are you?" 

"..."

"You're not seriously developing feelings, right Marvus?!" They both repeated in unison.

His face became more annoyed.

“No, I ain’t!” 

"Good,” Chahut cut in sitting down on the couch.

”A troll of your status ain’t got no business foolin’ around with some lowblood girl. You remember what happened last time?”

"That ain't gon happen. A, I'm not foolin’ around with her. B, I don't even know her. C, she's not even a fan. D, most important of all, I ain't never even met her before. There is no business happening here. I saw a cool performance and I wanted to see if she had talent. You motherfuckers are the ones making it weird!"

"Fair enough. Just tryna make sure you ain't repeating that bullshit,"

"Time is money. Do you think I can afford to pay attention to every lowblood out there? Is my name Nova?" 

"Honk!"

"Right little man! I'm nothing like that fame chaser,"

“Honk! Honk!” Karako aggressively commented, while the other three just rolled their eyes.

“Whatever.” Chahut stretched her arms behind her head.

“I just can’t wait for you to finally be on vacation. You’re takin’ us with you, right?” 

Baizli asked.

“Yeah, we got everything packed up.” 

Barzum followed up.

“Honk?”

"You wanna go with me?" Marvus walked over to the smallest clown and picked him up, booped him on the nose.

"Honk!"

"I don't know, they been kinda annoying lately," Marvus teased the smaller troll.

Karako turned to the other purple bloods and shook his head side to side. 

"Oh, you not a part of they group? I guess you could come with me. We'll leave these losers behind,"

"Honk!"

"Hear that, it's me and little man's duo trip. But, maybe if ya’ll apologize, I’ll consider bringing yas along.” He and Karako gave a small chuckle

"We're so sorry," The twins enthusiastically responded.

"That's two more invited! Chahut you're next."

"As If I'm apologizin’ to your lame ass," Chahut crossed her arms. She barely moved to sit up before having three pleading faces staring at her. 

"Ooooh looks like the wrigglers are gonna miss you. How sad. But I guess you're too lame to hang with guys." 

"Fuck you."

"That's not an apology. Wanna try again?"

"I'm sorry, Marvus,” She said grumbling under her breath.

“That’s three!” He said, high-fiving Karako. 

"Vacation! Vacation! Vacation! Vacation," the twins chanted, flipping around the room.

"Honk! Honk!" Karako cheered along.

—

Marvus was sitting on his bed in the hivetel. He was wearing one of his old merch t-shirts, no point in wearing that clunky tux and scrolling through Chittr. Since the point Chahut made about that clingy lowblood from before he'd been trying to keep his mind off Chixie. Unfortunately, nothing like forbidden fruit makes you want to take a bite. As soon as he arrived and locked himself in his room he’d started watching more videos of the girl. In his scrolling, he came across a post on her actual account. 

Chixie:: I'll be performing at BloodBrawl bar tonight. Come out and show support!

Below the text was a picture of the lineup, there in big brown text was her name. She’d be the middle act and the bar was close to the hivetel. It was at that moment that Marvus got an amazing, and kinda stupid, idea. He did have a few toned-down outfits and his favorite black hoodie. It wouldn't hurt to just pop out for a drink real quick. 

He just saw a recommendation to come out to a local place that had good music. As an accomplished artist, how could he resist hearing fresh talent? If he just so happened to see the bronzeblood that he's been listening to for the past two days then so be it. It's their fault for choosing this hivetel, not his.

With his plan in mind, he memorized the time she’d be performing and went to gather everything he’d need, searching vigorously through his bags. He found his most raggedy hoodie, an old patched-up pair of sweats, and some platformed boots he wore for a concert messiah knows how long ago. To make things more convincing he decided to give himself a fake caste symbol. But there was only one person in their entire Hivetel with paint…Chahut.

He sighed walking down that hall towards her and Karako’s room. 

“Chachki!” He yelled knocking at the door.

He heard several large stomps before the door flew open.

“I thought I told ya to never call me that,” she looked down at him agitated.

“Whatcha want?”

“I need to borrow ya paint sis’.”

She cocked her eyebrow.

“What for?”

“I…Need to repaint some of my shoes.”

He all but mumbled out. It wasn’t a lie, after sweeps of performing a lot of his shoes and outfits were worn out. The bigger clown stared at him for a moment before sighing and going back into her room. She pulled a bag of spray paints out of her suitcase. She tossed them out to him, and he wandered off back to his room. He picked up the burgundy and quickly sprayed a fake caste symbol on his hoodie. 

He wanted to make sure  no one  recognized him, went into the washroom, tied his hair back, and did something he never thought he’d do. He washed his makeup off. It was weird seeing his gray skin after only seeing white on it for so long. For the piece de resistance, fake glasses and a face mask. 

He threw his newly painted hoodie on and slunk out of the hivetel room. He took the stairs to avoid any fans or press and snuck out the back of the building. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and hunched forward changing his overall image and hiding as much of his shape as possible. He didn't remember ever being able to leave a building without being watched or swarmed before but it was an exciting feeling.

Before he knew it he was on the streets, heading towards the bar. He did get a few looks on the way, he guessed they’d never seen a burgundy this big. Still, it didn’t stop some of the higher bloods from pushing and shoving him out of their way. To be honest he didn’t even notice most of them, they just bounced off of him. Plus he was too focused on seeing this gig to worry about any of them.

After a few minutes, he finally made it, and there wasn’t too long a line!

When he got in he noticed the place was fairly crowded, he thought back to the lineup, he did remember seeing some popular names. He looked around a bit to see if he could recognize Chixie before giving up and going to get a drink. He had a few songs to get through before he would get to hear hers anyway.

The act currently setting up was a purpleblood band. They were pretty good if he was being honest, but he wasn’t coming for them. He was here for one performance, and one performance only.

After them was a solo indigo.

And after that was another act and another…and another. If he was being honest, a lot of the acts were starting to meld into one another. 

Something else he noticed was how many of the acts were blatantly copying him. Not just his lyrics and beat, but his entire persona and style.

 Normally he wouldn’t mind this he loved it when people took inspiration from his work. But all of these acts felt the same, there was no flare or pizzazz. Just the same thing over and over expecting to get more applause than the last act, absolutely boring. But, it would all be worth it, soon, cause next up was Chixie!

Only the little bronzie didn’t come out, instead, it was another group of purples who, apparently came late. Marvus sat there confused, as to why Chixie wasn’t on stage.

Maybe they just rearranged her spot, so they could perform?

He didn't care for the abrupt change but it's fine he could sit through one more performance.

After them was another group, indigobloods. Then there was a teal solo act. Then two jade acts back to back.

It seemed like everyone but Chixie was performing tonight, as the show went on more and more trolls started to leave. Soon there was nothing but a handful of lowbloods and one indigo, standing in the front, left. Marvus was considering leaving himself, but he noticed a fairly short troll nervously walking on stage.

The last act came up, and there she was, Chixie. Despite his annoyance, Marvus felt a smile grow across his face when he saw her. He noticed her outfit, it was a long black button-down dress, a pair of white leggings, and a pair of black flats with baggy leg warmers. It wasn’t at all flashy, and it didn’t look expensive, but it was still cute!

His focus on her was broken by the sound of very out-of-place cheering; he looked forward to seeing the indigo loudly praising her and clapping. His eyes migrated back to the bronze girl, who was now awkwardly smiling and waving at him as she pulled down the mic off the stand.

A burgundy with a guitar wrapped around him stumbled out and started playing. 

She visibly sighed, before she started to sing.

The song she sang was a somber one. She didn’t do much, she wasn’t loud or flashy like the other acts. She didn’t have dance moves unless you counted hand gestures and hip sways.

She was just being herself, calm, but kind of nervous. Many would probably call her “Plain” or “simple” but that’s what made it all stand out. She wasn’t trying to be this big personality, she knew who she was, and that made her all the more unique to Marvus.

Soon the guitarist stopped and Chixie’s voice disappeared with the last few chords.

He was stunned. She was far better in person than the shitty video quality from Chittr. However, he did appreciate whoever was uploading videos of her performances. He sat for a while watching her interact with the few lowbloods left in the bar before visibly cringing as she turned to the indigoblood that was feeling a little too excited to see her.

"Hey Zebruh! I'm so…glad you could make it. I thought you were going to a concert for that purpleblood you liked."

"Marvus. His name is Marvus.”

The indigo corrected.

 “And I did wanna go to his show but I heard he went on vacation, so I decided to come support you in the meantime!"

"That's so sweet of you but you didn't have to-"

"What kind of manager would I be if I wasn't here to support my favorite bronzie!”

He interrupted getting in the bronze girl’s face.

"Oh. Well…You really didn't have to." 

"Nonsense! They already bullied you once. If you had let me, I would ' ve made sure they never changed your spot, but of course, you're just too kind," Zebruh smirked. Marvus eavesdropped for a bit and could feel the anger she was hiding from his backhanded compliment.

"I'm glad you think so," She smiled weirdly at the indigo, as he tried to put his hand on her but she turned away like she heard someone call her, barely missing his hand. 

"They called Trixie not Chixie," he said, dropping his arm to his side.

"Oh! Well, that's fine. Sorry, but I have to go, I gotta- feed my lusus! I'll see you later."

Without a second she turned and walked away.

"I love that about you. You're so responsible. Bye~"

He yelled at her from across the room.

The mousy girl quickly ran out of the bar, brushing past Marvus. His eyes focused on her face quickly taking in her features as she skittered past him. He wasn't expecting to get such a close-up- up but at least he was right and the trip wasn't a waste, she really was cute. 

Marvus made his way back to the hivetel. He figured using the stairs would be better but by the fifth floor, he started regretting his choice. He decided to just take off his sweater and take the elevator the rest of the way up. He managed to make it through the hall without being spotted or recognized. Soon enough he made it back to his room and he sighed loudly when he got in. 

His tiredness was soon replaced with panic when he noticed Karako sitting on the couch, legs and arms crossed.

"Honk."

"Woah! Hey little man, what you doing here?"

"Honk?" Karako glared at him, waiting for an answer.

"Where I been? What you mean, where I been? I just stepped out for a bit. I ain’t been gone long."

 Karako made an annoyed face at the obvious lie.

"Three hours ain't that long. Why were you in my room for three hours?" He tried to change the subject but the little clown steamrolled past it.

"Honk. Honk."

"Thanks for thinkin' of me but you really ain't have to and as you can see I'm fine."

"Honk?" Karako asked again.

"I just got a drink and forgot to check my palmhusk. Sorry little dude."

The little clowned glared him down, giving an exaggerated pout.

"Just down the block! Look, it's not that serious."

"…Honk," Karako glared at him suspiciously.

"No, I didn't go see that girl. What girl are you even talkin' about?"

Karako quickly showed the evidence on his palmhusk.

" I didn't go to see her! I just got a drink at a bar she just so happened to be performin' in."

“Honk!”

“My makeup? It needed to be redone, so I took it off!”

“...Honk,” The small clown pointed at the jacket, and glasses he still had in his hand. It was at this point Marvus knew the little clown wouldn’t give up, he sat next to him and began to explain.

“Okay, I ain’t confirmin’ or denyin’ nothing. But maybe,  maybe , I went to see her perform,” His panic was replaced with a small grin as he explained further.

“You should’a seen her! She was so sweet and so talented. I thought seeing her in person would, you know, scratch the itch. Sate my curiosity.”

Karako cocked his head at the older clown.

"Yeah, I probably should've left it alone but I couldn't not go after being told not to watch her." 

“Honk!” Karako began to chuckle as he stated the obvious.

“No! I ain’t got red feelings for her! I remember what happened last time!” He picked Karko up into his arms “Besides, you too young to be talkin’ bout that!”

“Honk?”

“Yeah…I did say this was different…”

“Honk!”

“No! I ain’t goin’ back to see her.”

Karako grabbed Marvus’s palmhusk again, going onto Chixie’s Profile.

He pointed at the red quadrant status, which was marked as empty.

"Karako, I can't do that again. Chahut would kill me if I brought another groupie around!"

"Honk!"

"I know she's not a groupie but still it's not gonna end well either way." Marvus slightly raised his voice, causing Karako to tear up a bit.

The little clown began to cry and fuss, Marvus sighed and brought him in for a hug.

“I’m sorry little man, it’s just I can’t be out here catching red feelings for a girl I don’t even know,” He pulled Karako back wiping his tears, smudging his makeup a bit.

“Besides, if I went chasing after her, you and me wouldn’t have time to hang out!” He booped the runt’s nose.

“And ya wouldn’t want that now would ya?”

Karako nodded his head “no”.

“Then let’s not focus on all that quadrant mess, okay?”

“...Honk!” Karako squeezed his arms around Marvus’s waist, pulling him in for one last hug.

"Yeah! Let's get some faygo and grubcorn. We can watch a movie. Let me just get my paint back on."

[otakugoddes]

Timeskip Haikyū! Headcanon: Inarizaki

#13 MSBY Black Jakkals Setter Atsumu Miya, who gets a little too cocky with his popularity in the game--so much that he starts dissing #7 EPJ Raijin Middle Blocker Rintarou Suna on all the official MSBY Black Jakkals social media pages and throws shade about how his game play sucks.

Now whenever Atsumu posts about how he thinks Rin sucks, the people keep thinking that Rin takes it to heart and has no comeback since he barely responds even though Atsumu tagged him in it.

But little do they know, that #7 EPJ Raijin Middle Blocker Rintarou Suna is so petty and well prepared for #13 MSBY Black Jakkals Setter Atsumu Miya's shit that he posts a video of Onigiri Miya Owner Osamu Miya beating Atsumu's ass in school with no caption except him tagging Atsumu.

And guess who is the first one to reblog, like, share and respond to the absolute W comeback Rin made to spite his old teammate?

Onigiri Miya Owner Osamu Miya.

And he gives Rin free onigiri and discounted deals every day for the next few weeks as payment for humbling his brother, Atsumu, on the internet of all places.

#13 MSBY Black Jakkals Setter Atsumu Miya officially has nothing to say in return and actively puts a hold on posting again on the MBSY Black Jakkals site again.

Rin recalls how his old school's motto was "We don't need the memories" and laughs, since that motto never applied to him. He definitely needs the memories, for good times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[cyarsk52-20]

This is FQUCKED up

Netflix’s ‘Beef’ Star David Choe Details Alleged Rape Of Black Woman In 2014 Video

MadameNoire Featured Video

An old video of Netflix Beef star David Choe circulated, where he seemingly admitted to raping a Black woman, sparked outrage on Black Twitter.

The 46-year-old Korean-American actor and visual media artist trended on April 13 amid a repost of the shocking video Latina journalist Aura Bogado posted on Twitter.  

“According to his own telling, the woman David Choe assaulted is Black. He describes himself as a ‘successful rapist,'” Bogado captioned the post.

The rape dialogue between Choe and other Asian folks occurred on his obsolete 2014 podcast,DVDASA. 

The footage begins with the Beef star, who portrays Isaac, saying, “But the thrill of possibly going to jail, that’s what achieved the erection quest.”

His horrified cohost and porn star, Asa Akira, responded, “Ew, you’re basically telling us that you’re a rapist now. And the only way to get your dick really hard– is rape.”

Choe casually answered, “Yeah.”

An off-camera clown asked, “What did she look like?”

“Beautiful,” the actor rebutted before describing his alleged victim. 

“Half-Black, half-white…”

“Like Leona Lewis,” Akira asked. Ironically, she said her own share of rape talk about a teenage boy in the same podcast episode.

Source: Michael Buckner / Getty

The two men on the side asked about the alleged victim’s age and breast size. Choe didn’t hesitate to tell the panel the victim had “huge tiddies.”

In the disgusting video, the Japanese porn star was visibly uncomfortable regarding the flippant rape dialogue.

“What the fuck is wrong with you guys? Dave’s basically telling us he’s a rapist.”

“A successful rapist,” he clapped back as the video concluded. 

Black Twitter lit his ass up.

Writer Nylah Burton wrote, “David Choe’s rape confession is shocking to me. Like the culture we live in is horrific, but to think you can just graphically detail how you raped someone and still wind up on starring in this TV show??? Jail for everyone involved.”

Some Twitter users even called for Netflix to cancelBeef in light of Choe’s alleged rape resurfacing.

One person said it plainly, implying that Netflix and the folks who worked with him on the series were complicit, aware of his egregious past, and didn’t give a damn. 

In 2014, Buzzfeed recounted the gross dialogue with Choe and cohorts about the alleged rape. The sordid details were spelled out and reportedly involved the actor and a masseuse named “Rose.” The 46-year-old California native vividly described a scenario where he forcibly made the Black woman perform oral sex on him. Before the most deplorable part of the story, Choe spelled out how uncomfortable the masseuse was as he continuously invaded her space while acting inappropriately. 

As outrage spread around the interweb, he shot off a half-assed apology denying that the rape actually happened and that he had simply told a rapey story. The Netflix star also divulged that the story was a trash-ass “extension of his art.”

Yeah, ok.

“I never thought I’d wake up one late afternoon and hear myself called a rapist. It sucks. Especially because I am not one. I am not a rapist. I hate rapists; I think rapists should be raped and murdered,” he wrote.

“I am an artist and a storyteller, and I view my show DVDASA as a complete extension of my art. If I am guilty of anything, it’s bad storytelling in the style of douche. Just like many of my paintings are often misinterpreted, the same goes with my show. The main objective of all of my podcasts is to challenge and provoke my friends and the co-stars on the show.”

Saying the story was meant to “entertain,” Choe continued. “We fuck with each other, entertain ourselves and laugh at each other. It’s a dark, tasteless, completely irreverent show where we fuck with everyone listening, but mostly ourselves. We create stories and tell tales. It’s not a news show. It’s not a representation of my reality.” 

In 2013, a study determined that one in four Asian men had perpetrated physical or sexual violence against women. There’s even a growing movement among Asian men called “MRAsians.”

The API Institute posted a study as well detailing that “23% experienced some form of contact sexual violence, 10% experienced completed or attempted rape, and 21% had non-contact unwanted sexual experiences during their lifetime.”

These statistics and anecdotal evidence do not imply that Choe would be a rapist because he’s Asian. However, his “story” doesn’t help his argument. And while “Rose” has never come forward, only one Black woman out of every 16 rapes reports the crime to the police. 

Rape culture is alive and well, and a person perpetuating it via an alleged account or through a “story” should be fucking canceled. 

PERIOD.

Sent from my iPhone

[televinita]

Caught up on Alaska Daily. More thoughts, prior to watching to fall finale:

* I am no longer rooting for the office puppy love. He still seems wonderful, but his messy-ass divorce situation is too much of a sad disaster for me to want her to ever get involved with that.

* I really like the blonde mama reporter. She’s my favorite. (I don’t know anyone’s name, I watched the premiere when it aired and then 4 episodes in a night the day before the fall finale; nothing stuck. Except “Eileen,” I guess.

* I am hooked on the main season thru-story, but to the point that I regrettably do not care about the other stories at the paper, so I am in the VERY weird and rare position of wishing this was a 10 to 13 episode season on a streaming service, preferably one that drops all eps at once. For once in my life I just want a plot and care jack about characters, so other than showing off how cool Alaska is and how little most of us outside it know about daily life there (which is admittedly interesting), there is no need to world-build or create content in said world. Get to the point.

* On a relate note, my predominant feeling about most of these news stories has been “butt out and mind ya business.” I will simply always have very strong feelings about how unnecessary it is to know ~the truth~ for the sake of knowing. Most of these have not risen to the level of “revealing the truth is ending more harm than it’s causing.” Let people live in blissful ignorance and/or fix their mistakes in secret, damn.

* I did really love the State Fair footage though. I’ve never once considered whether AK would have such a thing; I would have assumed their population density (and pop. in general) would be too low to support a central gathering.

* also HARRY POTTER THE FERRET, cutest furry kneesock who has ever ridden in a backpack-shaped carrying case. (edit: wait, someone w/ closed caption says it’s actually “Hairy Potter.” Oh that is even better.)

Thoughts after watching the fall finale:

* KJJJJASJDFLAKSJ;DFASLJDF WHAT DO YOU MEAN FEBRUARY 23RD. If this isn’t even a normal length season* then you absoLUTELY do not have the right to take hiatuses, damn!!!!!!!!!!! 

(*apparently it is only 10 episodes actually, which makes the filler-feeling eps even weirder. what is pacing.)

* Also I definitely did not take Concerned Citizen seriously at all, so oop @ me for not expecting THAT level of escalation. (though I do feel like...even in alaska prices a simple security camera pointed at the front door could not have been that expensive. at least a doorbell cam??)

* On a related note: yes, see, this is exactly the level of focus and intensity I want on the missing-women story(ies) always.

[t-lostinworlds]

Revenge Is Sweet (Series Masterlist)

~ a Tom Holland Social Media AU

》 STATUS: completed...for now ;) 》 PAIRING: college!football player!tom x college!female!reader 》 TROPE/GENRE: college au; fake dating au; idiots to lovers; angst; fluff; crack-ish 》 WARNINGS: the most cliché of clichés, tropes galore, cheating, pettiness, language, sexual jokes + innuendos, gossips + tea, football ⚽️, not-so-accurate photos, not-so-accurate depictions of college, harrison being a swiftie, tom being a huge flirt, football!player!tom!, flirtatious conversations (e.g. teasing talks & hints of/about sex, nothing explicit), cheesy one-liners, even cheesier captions/tweets, sprinkles of angst, very cute/soft/sweet moments, and long ass text messages especially as the series progresses.

✩ TOM HOLLAND MASTERLIST ✩ MAIN MASTERLIST ✩

⊱ ─────.⋅♚ *｡･ﾟ.★. *｡･ﾟ✫*.

➽ Synopsis:

What happens if your boyfriend cheats on you with your well-known tormenter? Even more exciting, what happens if the Tom Holland—football captain, campus heartthrob, your well-known tormenter’s boyfriend, etcetera—asks you to get revenge on them with him? To put things not so simply, if your boyfriend cheated on you with his girlfriend, who cheated on him with your boyfriend, would that make you friends? Or maybe…something more?

➽ Parts:

⚽️ Intro ⟶ the players ⚽️ Part 1 ⟶ honeymoon phase  ⚽️ Part 2 ⟶ too good to be true ⚽️ Part 3 ⟶ accidental rebound ⚽️ Part 4 ⟶ ️if your enemy is my enemy... ⚽️ Part 5         ↳ 5.1 ⟶ charm & persuade         ↳ 5.2 ⟶ pros & cons ⚽️ Part 6 ⟶ ️game plan ⚽️ Part 7 ⟶ ️let’s start rumours ⚽️ Part 8         ↳ 8.1 ⟶ fiery & reveal(?)         ↳ 8.2 ⟶ real & fake(?) ⚽️ Part 9         ↳ 9.1 ⟶ perfect & precious company         ↳ 9.2 ⟶ ️pregame care & packages ⚽️ Part 10 ⟶ oscar-worthy “acting” ⚽️ Part 11 ⟶ chase(ing) self-deception ⚽️ Part 12 ⟶ revenge is bitter ⚽️ Part 13         ↳ 13.1 ⟶ assist to goal (bc idiot needs help)         ↳ 13.2 ⟶ assist to goal (bc other idiot needs help) ⚽️ Part 14 ⟶ ️for real, this time ⚽️ Part 15 ⟶ revenge turned out sweeter [final]

➽ Extras:

tom asking begging for your number

⚽️ REVISTING IS SWEETER (Masterlist)

a collection of Revenge Is Sweet written extras

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ♛ *.

✎ feedback is always appreciated <3

©️ t-lostinworlds, 2021

[bratshaws]

goodness gracious 43. brb x oc

THIS FIC IS 18+ ONLY! MINORS PLS DNI!

a/n: I need jesus this one got filthy real fast pl s dont hate me!!!!

check out the fic's playlist made by the sweet @wiipes !!

pairing: plus size!oc x rooster

warnings: SMUT GOOD LORD SMUT, JESUS ALMIGHTY!!!!!!!!!!!!

chapters:

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30/31/32/33/34/35/36/37/38/39/40/41/42

(pls let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!!)

taglist: @mirandastuckinthe80s @roosterschanelslut @wiipes @lcahwriter @shrimping-for-all @gretagerwigsmuse @frenchtoastix

@lizzie-rdj @fanboyluvr @atarmychick007 @comebacktoearthpls

@peachiicherries @mak-32 @lizziespidiepridie @roosterswifey @ollyoxenfrees @piceous21 @sqrlgrl22 @hofficoffi @lexhalstead3 

@lorilane33 @legendarydreamersharkparty @luckyladycreator2 @emilybradshaw @j-6o @louisahale @leobabbyyy @kulicny 

-

Bradley and Beatrice noticed that neither of them could ever be part of Californian high society, neither of them would know how to act…because from where they were seated they could see every single rich person that ever walked on planet Earth on the ground below and around them. They were currently staring at a group of influencer-esque women who walked in wearing so much shine on their bodies it made both of them squint at how bright they were.

They were wearing sunglasses inside a restaurant at nighttime. She was sure not a single one of them had eye issues that forced them to wear those and when they seated the first thing they did was talk bad to the poor waiter who came to their table. “Oh, I hate when people treat waiters like shit.” Beatrice sneers, glaring down at the group of women “What’s stopping them from spitting on their food?”

“True.” he says, frowning his eyebrows when one of them pulls out her phone “She’s probably already writing a bad review.” Beatrice looks at him with a smile, “Complaining that they didn’t get the food before they got in, that’s outrageous. How dare the waiter not know what they want? Ugh.”

“Will probably post a picture of the empty plate too, with the caption ‘look what they brought me! Nothing!’” Beatrice covers her mouth to hold back her laughter while Rooster snorts, dropping his head and trying to hide his smirk with a hand, the couple paying attention to see if anyone else saw them laughing. “Honestly,” she giggles “I could never be someone like that, you know? Filthy rich and treating people like ass. I mean, my aunt is rich and she’s nothing like that.”

Bradley laughs remembering his surprise when he found out that her aunt owned the whole area where the wedding was taking place, “I think it’s fair to say your aunt is a good example of what people should be, she seems to be such a nice lady too.” he says with a grin, “Some people are just shitty.”

“They are.” Bea agrees, sipping her water before looking around the upper floor where the other people were currently having dinner, “I don’t think people should flaunt what they have so much, I think that just shows they are insecure and need validation from others.” she says while looking at a man who was being fed by a woman, while another rubbed his chest and hair, her nose curling in disgust, “...we really are outcasts in this place, huh?”

Rooster chuckles quietly, supporting himself on his crossed arms on top of the table, “Oh yeah.” he looks back to where the man was seated and huffs out a laugh, “But I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else. Not only because you are my girlfriend and I love you, but because you get it. Plus,” he leans closer to her from across the table, smirking, “Isn’t it fun to be the outcast in situations like these?”

As someone who used to be called an outcast, and used to hate it before embracing it the best she could, Beatrice nods with a little smile “It is, I won’t lie.” 

It doesn’t take long for their dinner to arrive, which was already a feast by itself. Each of them had one main dish, a ramen bowl and steamed buns as a side snack and it all smelled so good. Neither of them waited too long, since they were both starving and dug into the food, politely of course. Sometimes they’d look down at the group of women who still seemed to be treating the waiter like shit, and she tried to hold back her laugh at Bradley’s less than kind commentary, “Brad,” she tries to chastise him, but a laugh breaks her sentence, “We can’t keep looking at them, just because they are being shitty people.” but her eyes immediately dropped to the group of women that were now being talked by the manager from below.

Now the two of them were really interested, even slowing their chewing to pay attention to what was being said. “I think they are going to get kicked out.” Rooster smirks, to which Beatrice gasps softly, trying to hide her amusement without much success. They watched the group of women, whose voices were getting louder and one of them even pulled out her phone to the manager’s face, immediately lowered their voice the second a female security guard made her way over to them.

They followed as the group of women were quietly led out of the bar, no longer wanting to fight anyone else and with one of them apparently crying as she was taken out of the restaurant. Beatrice and Rooster looked at each other with their mouths open, trying to not laugh too loud at what just happened, “Coming here was already worth it.” he finally says, bringing the water to his lips in hopes it’d cover his chuckle, while his girlfriend did the same, her shoulders shaking with quiet laughing.

“Are we evil people?” she asks after setting the glass down, “For laughing at others’ demise?”

“I mean, no? I don’t think so, they were being rude to the waiter and pretty much the whole staff. That’s just karma, babe.” he says with a shrug “Plus, it’s always a treat to make fun of rich people.”

Beatrice couldn’t help but smile, albeit still a bit guilty, but agreeing with his words by tilting her head in a nod. They didn’t order wine, mostly because Bradley was driving them and they didn’t want to be stopped and also because they had her aunt’s gift somewhere inside his apartment. When she went to her house to grab the jumpsuit she remembered that the wedding thank you gift was saved up in her fridge.

So she picked it up and decided that they could drink it together later, since she was no longer taking medication and it’d be safe for them to enjoy it! Just something they could do together. 

Much like everytime, they didn’t see the time go by, they kept watching the people around them and sometimes couldn’t hold back the laugh and commentary of the lives of rich and luxurious lives of the folk there. Their dinner was lovely, their night was very lovely and Beatrice couldn’t help but lean back on her seat with a pleased smile after drinking what was left of her water.

The change in position made her cleavage pop out a lot more than before, the pale flesh on display for his hungry eyes to see, not bothering to hide his eyes as they immediately dropped to the plunge between her breasts. He still had some water left, sipping it slowly and letting his eyes wander all over her figure with complete admiration, licking his lips once he’s done, “You just look so fucking good.” he murmurs, watching the red flush spread down her chest as he spoke, “I think every outfit you own is just meant to make me lose my mind isn’t it?”

Beatrice chuckles softly, humming happily as she runs her hands through her hair and tosses it to the side so it leaves part of her neck bare, “Well, it is one of it’s uses.” she explains innocently, her face still burning a bright red, running the pad of her index finger on her empty glass’ rim, “I can’t say it’s not welcome.”

“Mmhm.” is all that he says while keeping his eyes on her still, “I can’t say I don’t like looking.” and he does, a whole lot, he especially likes how her chest expands in a deep breath and that pushes her breasts forward. “I think this is the part where I say it’s time for us to go.” she blinks at him, adjusting herself on the seat to stand up, “Because I think you remember what I promised you once you got better, right?”

I’m going to eat you up once you heal.

Beatrice bit her lower lip hard, trying to hold back her smile but nodded, not being able to contain her excitement as she held his hand and the two walked down the steps towards the restaurant’s exit. She noticed how the people looked their way, especially how some women seemed to be so focused on Bradley and honestly, she couldn’t blame them. If she saw a man like that walking by she’d look too, stepping closer to him while squeezing his hand with a little smile.

The atmosphere once they get inside the car is so dense and thick it could be cut with a knife, Beatrice trying the best she could to remain calm and not remember how they actually had sex in the backseat of his car a few weeks ago…well now she couldn’t stop thinking about it. She tries so hard to keep her eyes on the road and not on how the pants he wore were thigh and clung to his muscular thighs and especially avoided dragging her eyes higher, twirling her finger on the thin strap of her purse in hopes she’d distract herself.

“You know,” he begins, the atmosphere still as thick as before, “Maybe I could just park somewhere dark, empty and quiet…and revive what happened a few weeks ago.” oh he’s awful “Because I can’t enter the car without remembering it.”

Beatrice coughed softly, “Yeah,I um, haven’t forgotten it either.” it was probably one of the sexiest and boldest things she had ever done…she wanted to do something bold again, but not tonight. No, she had to plan a little bit more, make sure everything was going to go well too. “B-But you don’t have to, we can go to your apartment…and revive the very first time.”

Rooster’s jaw clenched alongside his hands on the steering wheel cover, his tongue running on his lower lip as he stepped on the gas, “We’ll get there in ten minutes.” he announces, flitting his eyes to her for a second, running through the length of her thick thighs and up to her chest then focusing back on driving.

He was wrong, they actually got there in six minutes. As soon as he parked the Bronco and both walked into the elevator, he slammed her against the elevator’s cold walls and kissed her deeply. Beatrice’s purse fell to her feet as her arms wrapped around his neck, dragging her nails up his scalp and getting a breathy moan out of him. They both knew the elevator had cameras, but honestly neither of them cared,Beatrice just whimpered into his mouth when he picked her up and held her against the metal walls, digging his fingers on her buttcheeks. His mouth left a wet trail of kiss down her jawline to her throat, where he proceeded to devour her skin like it was the dinner they shared hours before, “Brad…” she whispers, moving her hips to meet his own in hopes to get some friction as the elevator slowly went up.

Rooster drags his lips to her ear, his hot breath hitting the soft cartilage as he speaks, “I’m going to fuck you right in this elevator,” he growls, trying to unbuckle his belt one handed while the other hand keeps her up, “Going to fuck you so right, baby.”

A full blown shudder erupts all over her body at the idea alone, groaning at her choice of outfit since it’d mean she’d have to shimmy it all the way down her legs instead of just pulling it up if it was a dress. She tries to tell him between feverish kisses what she wants to do, but between his mouth and the pinging of the elevator going up the floors, she’s a bit distracted. 

When the elevator stops and her barely open eyes turn to look at the number, she furrowed her eyebrows a bit seeing they arrived at his floor, “Brad…” she tries calling him, but he’s busy dragging his teeth down her throat, finally able to unbuckle his belt but not pull it out. The doors appeared to open in slow motion, Beatrice becoming even more alert than before, “Brad!” she whisper shouts, tapping his shoulder in hopes he looks up.

His lips drag up to her jawline, “Yeah, baby, you like that don’t you–” he stops, they both do when the door opens revealing the person on the other side. There’s a short old lady there, with dyed red hair that’s curled up in an updo, wearing a red cardigan and a flower patterned dress, squinting her eyes towards the two. 

The lady keeps on squinting, “Bradley? Is that you, dear?” she reaches down towards her black purse on the crook of her elbow and Bradley hurriedly lets Beatrice back down, muttering a ‘jesus christ’ to himself as he gives his back to the door and buckles his belt back up.  The old lady puts on the huge tortoiseshell glasses, the lens making her eyes double in size as she blinks up at them just in time for Bradley to turn back around and partially hide behind Beatrice, “Oh!It is you! Hello, my dear!How are you?”

He doesn’t want to be rude, but he also doesn’t think he can keep a façade of calmness much longer, “Hi, Mrs. Whitmore.” he replies, “I’m doing…fine…”

“Oh, and who’s this lovely girl?” she follows the two with her head as they walk out, Bradley still hiding himself the best he could behind Bea, “Is she your lady friend?”

“Yes, she’s my girlfriend. Beatrice.”

“H-Hello.”

“Oh!Beatrice! What a beautiful name! It’s Italian isn’t it? My first husband was Italian, my Sal, what a good man he was.” Mrs.Whitmore says with a little smile, using her cane to hold the elevator doors open, “She’s a gorgeous lady, Bradley. My my, and look at those hips!Oh I had hips like that in my day.” Beatrice just blushes looking down at her legs, squeaking a bit when the old lady taps them with the end of her cane, “Great for child bearing!I’ll tell you that much! HAH!” she laughs tossing her head back while the brunette only blushes harder, inhaling sharply and looking back at Bradley with an exasperated expression, he just stares right back and shrugs, “Oh, but don’t mind me, don’t mind me.”

They watch Mrs.Whitmore slowly make her way to the elevator, “I’m late for poker night!” Bradley steps out from behind Beatrice when he notices she’s having more difficulty than normal, ignoring his own predicament to stay behind her until she gets inside, “Oh, I’m fine! I’m fine!” she flaps her hand before eventually accepting his help so she could push herself forward, “Thank you, dear. Here,” she reaches inside her bag to pull out a few strawberry hard candies, “For you and your lady friend.” 

“Thank you, Mrs.Whitmore.” 

“What a sweet boy you are,” she coos, patting his cheek before pressing the button, “But I’ve got to go! I need to beat Wilma again! HAH! Good night you two! Bye-bye!” Bradley steps back so the doors close, the little lady disappearing from their view. Beatrice looks up at Rooster who had the hard candies in the middle of his palm, her shocked face turning into a smile, then a soft laugh makes its way out of her lips.

“I never see her leave her apartment.” he says quietly, “When she does she almost catches us, thank God she needs glasses.” he shoves the hard candies inside his back pocket, meeting Beatrice’s gaze and not being able to hold back his own laughter as the adrenaline of the situation comes to pass, rubbing his eyes with his fingertips, “Ah, damn it, come on.” he keeps on chuckling, grabbing her hand as they walk to his door.

Beatrice waits by his side, looking back at the elevator then at him with a smile on her face, “She seems like a sweet lady.” she says, following him inside the apartment, Jolene’s constant tail thumping greeting them, but she doesn’t move away from the couch. He tosses his keys to the coffee table, running his hands through his hair with a soft groan, interlacing his hands behind his head trying to calm himself down, “She likes you.”

“I helped her with her plumbing a few times.” he explains, dropping his arms to his sides so he could remove his suit jacket, “She always gives me these,” the hard candies are also tossed down the coffee table, Jolene stretching her neck to sniff it curiously but quickly losing interest “Or those old mint hard candies too. It depends what’s closer. She’s a nice lady, but she still thinks Reagan is president and she makes sure to say she hates him.”

The brunette chuckles softly, dropping her purse on the coffee table alongside his key, toeing out her shoes before looking up seeing him rub his face from crown to chin, “You okay?’

“My elderly neighbor almost caught us fucking in an elevator.” Beatrice laughs again, trying to hold back her amusement, “So I’m a bit shocked, you know? Just,” he makes a face, holding up his fingers in a pinch gesture, “Just a bit.”

Beatrice smiles, stepping closer to him to hug his middle, propping her chin on his chest to look up at his face. Bradley huffs a soft laugh, his cheeks flushed just the tidiest bit, “You are just so cute, aren’t you?” she says, lifting a hand to caress the side of his face, “Not only you are a gentleman but you also help old ladies in need? You are just so dreamy, Brad.”

He avoids her gaze for a second, his cheeks flushing darker but he smirks, “I have my moments.” he says, leaning down to brush their lips together, “I can be a gentleman or a villain depending on the situation.” 

“Oh,” she smiles against his mouth, “Like the big bad wolf you said you were?” his eyes are on her the second she says it, pupils blown wide and lips still curved up in a smirk, kissing her sweetly as she slides her arms around his neck, bringing him closer so her chest is pressed against his. He hums against her mouth, his large hands cupping her ass as he walks them backwards to his bedroom, turning the lights off on the living room.

She giggles against his mouth when he kicks his door closed and locks it for good measure, even though Jolene would never walk in, turning them around so he’d sit on the bed and she’d be on his lap, with his hands still cupping her buttcheeks through the dark green fabric. “I did say I’d eat you up, I promised it, in fact.”

“You did.” she whispers cupping his face in her hands to kiss him one more time, “Are you?’

“Am I? Oh, baby, you know I never go back on my word.” he purrs, dropping his eyes to her chest “Now, how do I get this out of you without ripping it? I’d hate to never see this again.” This question is followed by him running his hands up and down the curve of her waist, Beatrice smiling even more at him before she tugs the end of the long sleeves, which in turn pulls down the top that touched her shoulders. Inch by inch more skin was revealed, his eyes following the falling fabric with his lips parted until it reached her cleavage.

“I’ll have to stand up.” she says, “To get it all off.”

Rooster makes a noise of complaint, watching as she stood to her feet to pull the jumpsuit all the way down, but his hands held her, “Wait,” she snaps her head up towards him in surprise, “Can I?” his voice sounds so hoarse when he asks, his eyes going from her face to her partially covered body. Beatrice’s sharp intake of breath is so quiet that if the room wasn’t so silent he wouldn’t be able to hear it, but she nods with the softest ‘okay’ leaving her lips. 

He grabs her by the hips so she steps between his legs, the sleeves were now hanging by the sides of her bust, the only parts still covered were just half of her breasts and lower body. Since it was such a stretchy material, all he had to do was tug gently and watch it fall to her feet. Now she only had her panties on, this pair was black with white stripes on the sides.

She loved how big his hands were and how much…ground, they covered whenever he grabbed her. Beatrice squeaked in surprise when he tugs her closer to press an open mouthed kiss to her tummy, her stomach immediately dropping with nerves, “B-Brad,” his mouth goes up, he’s slowly rising to his feet as well until his kisses touched between her breasts and stop right under her jawline, “You,” she tries to speak, but it’s hard when he’s pressing those types of kisses on her neck, “You are still d-dressed…”

Rooster pulls back, looking down at his yellow floral shirt and dark pants, gently turning her around so she lies on the bed instead. He keeps eye contact while pulling his shirt from the back, breaking it for a quick second as the fabric blocks his vision, tossing it somewhere in his room. He couldn’t help but smirk at how she was paying attention with her upper body burning a bright red, her eyes dropping to his belt, following it when he pulled the leather strip from the belt loops.

 “Baby,” he begins, snapping Beatrice out of her trance only to chuckle when her green eyes immediately go back to his pants that were now sliding down his legs. “Looking at me like that,” he tuts, kicking his pants off as he’s left only with black briefs ,”Like I’m stripping for you.”

That immediately made an idea pop in her head, but she shoved it back in the confines of her mind for now. “Weren’t you?”

“No, that’s for a special occasion.” he purrs, lowering himself between her legs so their chests are touching,  his lips already trailing up and down her jawline, “You know? I’m also not dressed accordingly. I need glittery underwear or something of the sort.”

“You don’t need all that-” the end of her sentence ends up with a sharp intake of breath when his mouth drops down to her neck once more, using his strength to push both of them towards the center of his bed so he could have more space to maneuver. He just chuckles, meeting her eyes while he drops kiss after kiss down towards her chest, the soft wet smacking sounds of those plush lips on her skin were making Beatrice turn even redder. 

Rooster keeps on going until he reaches the beginning of her ribs, trailing his lips back so they are making their way over the curve of her breast. Beatrice whimpers softly, these weeks have been so hard that every tiny touch of his was making her body feel like it’s on fire. She can’t hold back her moan when his lips wrap around her breast, teeth and tongue caressing her nipple while one of his hands pinches and touches its twin. 

Beatrice’s quiet moan when she tosses her head back seems so much louder, her eyes fluttering shut while her hips move up, trying to get some release. He pulls back from her breast, repeating the process to the other one and earning an even louder moan from his girlfriend. God, he missed this. As much as he enjoyed just holding her, sleeping next to her, there was nothing better than hearing her moaning whenever they were together.

Once her breasts are loved enough, he even gives them another love bite, he trails his mouth down to her underwear. He feels her stomach contract when he reaches it, almost trying to shy it away from him but Rooster isn’t fazed, he presses even more kisses to the soft flesh and hears her gentle, shaky whimper coming from above. When his lips touch the elastic of her underwear, he drags his big hands up her thighs to hook his middle and index fingers against the fabric, tugging it downwards.

Beatrice lifts her hips so he can remove them easily, holding back a groan when a thin string of fluid breaks when he pulls it down her legs, balling it and tossing it off the bed. “Oh this is a beautiful sight.” he coos, parting her legs so he sees her glistening center staring right back at him, “I missed it a lot.”

Once he’s done talking, he wastes no time in adjusting himself on the bed so he’s millimeters away from where he desires with his mouth watering. Beatrice has no warning, her eyes widening when she feels his mouth on her, her mouth parting in a moan as her hands fist the pillows behind her head.

Beatrice’s moans start quiet at first, soft ‘hmms’ and ‘oohs’ that sound like music to his ears, her hands not touching his hair just yet. He knows when she’ll get like that, he’s done this enough times to know every little thing that will turn her into a quivering mess. His movements were also slow as well, just languid strokes of his tongue as his hands caressed her thighs from knee to hip, sometimes opening his eyes to check how she was reacting. 

He doesn’t waste much time when he sees her head tilted back against the pillows, deepening his strokes and smiling at the sudden yelp that goes past her lips. Atta girl, he thought, time to get louder. Beatrice blinked her eyes hard, hands no longer holding the pillows, this time they were clenching the sheets with her chest heaving out with deep surprised breaths “B-Brad…” she said with her voice shaking, “G-God…oh my God…”

He spreads her legs even more, holding one of them on his shoulder while the other is tucked underneath his bicep, exposing her in ways that makes the blush on her skin turn so dark he thinks she’s covered in red paint. He moves a bit faster, his hand caressing her leg until he reaches her mound, thumb sliding down just enough to press against her clit and making a jolt dart all over her body. Her moans are sharper now, louder and one of her hands makes its way towards his hair, fingers combing through the sandy strands.

 “B-Brad!! Ah!!” Beatrice doesn’t know what to do, so she grips the sheets so hard she’s sure they’ll rip any minute now. She feels the pressure building, her moans rising in volume and mixing with whispers of his name, her legs twitching as she tries to close them but he’s still holding them apart. She won’t be able to hold herself back much longer, it’s getting harder for her to focus on anything but his mouth.

The pressure turns too great in a matter of seconds, her body immediately going taut as a bowstring as her back arches. Her eyes clench as her orgasm hits her with full force, almost punching the moan out of her with how much force it came out of her throat, hips rising and falling as she rides off her high. His lips are still on her even after she comes, Beatrice whimpers at how sensitive she is, hips still jumping and her heart slamming against her ribcage, “Brad…” she calls weakly, caressing his hair and trying to hold back another moan that dares to leave her throat, trying to push his head away when she feels it’s too much.

He does lift his head, after pressing a kiss on the junction of her thigh and pelvis. He doesn’t hide when he wipes his jaw with a hand, licking the curve between his thumb and index finger to get every little morsel that was left, “You still taste fucking delicious.” he growls, trailing his lips back over the same path as before, finishing against her lips with a pleased groan, “I missed this. Are you okay?”

Beatrice’s unfocused gaze meets his eyes, her eyebrows arch as she blinks up at him with confusion, “...’m fine…” she replies, “Missed it too…” She's still shivering a little bit, so he waits a few minutes for them to continue. He could wait, he waited two weeks and a half for this. While she calms down, he reaches to his side table, opening the drawer and grabbing the tin foil packet from the inside, looking back to check on Beatrice to find her already staring at him.

“Hey.”

She smiles sweetly, “Hi…” her arms reach towards him and he wastes no time in climbing on top of her, kissing her one more time and swallowing her happy moan, “You really,” she was still trying to regain her breathing, “Took the breath out of me.”

“Do you need more time?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“I’m so sure.” she smiles, draping her arms around his neck, “I’m okay, it’s just been a while and I forgot how good you are with your mouth.” he sounds offended by it, even giving her a confused look, “Not forget, just…it slipped my mind.”

“Yeah?” he smirks, ripping the packet open, looking away from her for a second so he could roll the condom on, meeting her eyes again once he’s done, “I should remind you then.” she nods eagerly, “Since it slipped your mind.”

Beatrice just giggles, her oversensitive core twitches when he lies on top of her, his own mouth curling up in a smirk as his hands disappear between them so he could push into her. He drops his forehead to hers, both of their mouths opening in breathless moans as he hilts, keeping himself still for a few seconds while her legs wrap around his waist, smiling in relief when no pain darts from her foot.

She opens her eyes to meet his, their pupils blown wide that only rings of their eye color are visible, her hands coming up to cup his cheeks and caress his cheekbones adoringly, “I love you.” she whispers, gasping quietly when he starts to move.

“I love you too, gorgeous.” he replies with a strained voice, turning his head to kiss the inside of her wrist, before he looks back down at her. Her cheeks and chest still flushed that lovely shade of red, shining with a thin sheen of sweat that made her look downright delectable. Bradley’s lips drop to her own, swallowing her moaning as his hips move, almost being able to taste it in his tongue. 

Beatrice whimpers, moving her own hips to meet his thrusts,her hands dropping from his neck to his upper back. The dips and valleys of muscle only made her heat up even more, her nails dragging down his golden skin, stopping on the dimples right above his butt. Bea breaks the kiss to moan at a specific thrust, and Rooster drops his head to the curve of her shoulder, biting the warm flesh and tasting the sweat on her skin.

She gasps out his name, hugging his neck tighter, “Brad…p-please…” she was still a bit sensitive from before but she didn’t care, “F-Faster…”

Oh he loved when she got vocal. She was so quiet at the beginning and she was still nervous sometimes, but whenever she talked it really made his whole body vibrate with excitement, “Faster? You want me to go faster?” she nods with another moan breaking past her lips when he speeds his movements just enough to make her breasts bounce, “Is this fast enough?”

She just stared at him through her half-lidded eyes, her lips curving into a word that simply broke as a moan darted out of her, tossing her head back when his hips got even faster, “Maybe,” he says through heavy breathing, “This would be faster, yeah? Is it, gorgeous?”

Beatrice moaned louder, “Braaad!!” she furrowed her eyebrows while panting heavily, clenching her eyes shut, her arms wrapped back around his neck as she felt the pressure building again. Her legs were clenched so tight against his waist she felt she’d have a cramp soon, hopefully it was a false alarm because that wouldn’t be sexy at all. So instead of worrying about that, she tried to focus on the sound of his deep breathing and moaning, her own soft gasping and the sound of their skins slapping together in a frenzied cacophony of bodies.

Beatrice knew she wouldn’t last long, just a little bit more, one of her hands dropping from his neck to slide down her body until she reached her clit. She rubbed the little bundle of nerves for a few seconds, her breathing getting louder, whispers of his name going past her lips, “Brad..” she whines, still moving her hips to meet his, looking into his eyes and feeling like she’s falling into those brown irises the longer she stares.

Bradley isn’t too far behind, but he doesn’t want to look anywhere but at her. When he hears her breathing hitch and her nails dig on the back of his neck, he just watches her back arch and a long moan rip past her lips, her channel fluttering around him. “Jesus, you are so fucking hot.” he growls, rushing after his own release and enjoying how she yelped in surprise at his hips pistoning against hers, holding onto his shoulders for dear life.

Beatrice however, is very surprised when she feels the pressure already building again in just a matter of minutes. Her eyes widen, not being able to hold it back and having a third orgasm that’s so intense her eyes roll back and she can’t even moan loud enough, just gasps out a loud breath while her hands clench at nothing. Her ears ring, her vision is blurry but she hears when he groans loudly against her neck, the vibration of his voice on her skin seeming to shake her whole body.

Once her vision is clear again, she sees the ceiling of his bedroom and the curve of Rooster’s back as he lies panting on top of her, Beatrice smiles tiredly as her head tilts to look down at him. Bradley’s breathing was shaky, his eyes fluttering open to meet her loving gaze, “Hi,” she says, running a hand on his wet cheek, “Are you okay?”

He takes a while to reply, lifting his eyebrows with amusement as his eyes close, “I…” he chuckles while licking his lips, “Whew, I think it slipped my mind too, you know?” they laugh quietly, like it’s a secret only the two of them should know. He lifts his hand to touch the curve of her cheek, following his fingers until they touch her chin, “...you still look so pretty, no matter what, huh?”

“I look like a mess.” “A sexy mess, that just,” he leans up to peck her lips, “Took the air out of me.” he hovers above her head with a little smile “I’m going to draw a bath for us, I think we deserve it.” his breath hitches and she gasps when he pulls out, but Beatrice smiles while slowly pushing herself to a sitting position watching him disappear into the bathroom. It takes her a few seconds, but she stretches her arms over her head and then follows him, groaning happily.

[blockgamepirate]

Okay here’s my statements:

1.  GoodTimesWithScar (1) vs Jschlatt (32)

(AKA the two flavours of evil capitalist)

Scar, easily.

2.  Technoblade (16) vs Captain Sparklez (17)

(AKA two legends)

Look, everybody saying Techno isn’t a Tumblr sexyman has either forgotten all about anime Techno or is just fucking LYING. All due respect to the Captain but he is just a sexy man, not a Tumblr sexyman

3. Docm77 (8) vs FalseSymmetry (25)

(AKA Team STAR civil war)

Absolutely no clue, I’m sorry. Maybe leaning towards Doc a little bit but I haven’t decided.

4.  RentheDog (9) vs Oli Orionsound (24)

(AKA the melodrama section)

This one I think I’ll just skip. I can’t choose between these two.

5.  Ethoslab (4) vs AimseyTV (29)

o7 Aimsey, you fought well, but I think we all know who this must go to

6.  ScottSMajor (13) vs Jimmy Solidarity (20)

(AKA the flower husbands divorce arc)

Look, I just gotta go for Scott. Jimmy did incredibly well to get this far and deservedly so, but Scott wins this one.

7.  MumboJumbo (5) vs ImpulseSV (28)

(AKA chill redstoners match up)

I’m gonna vote Impulse just to be even the odds, I know it won’t work but I still root for him.

8.  Pixlriffs (12) vs Charlie Slimecicle (44)

(AKA The Difference Between Lore And Roleplay)

I think I might have to skip this one too, I can’t choose. On the one hand Charlie is more of a Tumblr sexyman, but Pix is more of a MCYT

9.  ZombieCleo (2) vs Eret (31)

(AKA two NB kings who are both owed reparations by Tumblr)

This is tragic but I have to choose Cleo and you know it’s the right choice, I’m sorry Eret

10.  PearlescentMoon (15) vs Philza (18)

(AKA … idk, two cool hardcore players? Although idk if Pearl still plays hardcore)

No fucking clue man, how can I vote both?

11.  BDoubleO100 (7) vs LDShadowLady (39)

(okay I can’t think of a caption for these two, I give up)

Might vote Lizzie purely hoping for the husband vs wife match up. I genuinely wouldn’t know which one to pick otherwise

12.  Joel SmallishBeans (10) vs Ranboo (23)

Joel for the same reasons. Also tough luck, Ranboo, you should play more Minecraft /j

13.  Joe Hills (3) vs Xisuma (30)

Look, Joe deserves to win the whole bracket at this point. I will be so mad if he loses this round. Not that Xisuma doesn’t have sexyman credentials, but lbr it was always more EX than X himself and EX already got eliminated so we can’t count him together with X. It’s the cost of getting two slots on the bracket.

14.  Wilbur Soot (14) vs TangoTek (19)

Who nominated this random ass Just Chatting streamer? Isn’t he like a singer or something? Get him outta here, I’m only voting for real Minecrafters.

15.  Grian (6) vs Keralis (27)

(AKA building tutorial boys with funny eyes)

uggghhh okay fine I guess I’ll vote for your silly socket man…. or maybe I’ll just try to balance it out for Keralis, idk. But I’ll admit that Grian should win this one just on the sheer volume of Watcher Grian content alone. Keralis just has nowhere near that kind of presence

16.  MythicalSausage (11) vs Quackity (22)

(AKA the two latinos pitted against each other 😔)

This one hurts because I love Sausage, but I think it has to be Quackity, I mean look at the guy, look at his stupid scuffed Minecraft skin, look at the fanart, look at him

MCYT SEXYMAN TOURNAMENT ROUND THREE

[ID: the sexyman bracket, with third round matches as detailed below.]

The polls will go live starting at 10AM EST, 8 February, 2023.

If you are just here to vote, not from tumblr, check here.

If you have questions about the tournament, check the FAQ before asking.

MATCHES (quick links to each poll added as polls are posted):

GoodTimesWithScar (1) vs Jschlatt (32)

Technoblade (16) vs Captain Sparklez (17)

Docm77 (8) vs FalseSymmetry (25)

RentheDog (9) vs Oli Orionsound (24)

Ethoslab (4) vs AimseyTV (29)

ScottSMajor (13) vs Jimmy Solidarity (20)

MumboJumbo (5) vs ImpulseSV (28)

Pixlriffs (12) vs Charlie Slimecicle (44)

ZombieCleo (2) vs Eret (31)

PearlescentMoon (15) vs Philza (18)

BDoubleO100 (7) vs LDShadowLady (39)

Joel SmallishBeans (10) vs Ranboo (23)

Joe Hills (3) vs Xisuma (30)

Wilbur Soot (14) vs TangoTek (19)

Grian (6) vs Keralis (27)

MythicalSausage (11) vs Quackity (22)

[fruitcoops]

Double Bubble

Happy Fic O’Ween, everyone! The amazing mods of the SW discord server organized a prompt list for the next 13 days, and I am beyond excited to take part. 

Today’s prompt: “Accidental/ Matching Couples’ Costumes”

“Oh. My. God.”

Remus turned and almost immediately snorted punch out his nose. “No way,” he laughed. “No fucking way.”

“Look at you!” Heather exclaimed, obviously torn between amusement and offense. “Oh my god!”

June raised her eyebrows. “Is Sirius—”

“Yep.”

“Jesus.”

Remus stared at them a moment longer before shaking his head with a grin. It was eerie how well the silver paint on June’s arm matched his own, though he had to admit the smudgy eyeliner looked a lot better on her. That, and her knowledge of mechanics made the details worlds more realistic. “Give me two seconds, I’ll go get him.”

Luckily, Sirius’ costume made him easy to find in the crowd—Remus silently cursed his clunky boots as he tripped over a table leg and nearly slammed face-first into the shiny shield stretching across his back. “Wh—”

“Come on,” Remus interrupted, linking their arms. Dumo’s house was certainly big enough for people to spread out a bit, but it seemed the entire party decided to congregate in the living room. Hell, Lily’s oversized Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl hat took up two feet all by itself. “You’re not gonna believe this.”

Sirius burst out laughing the second June and Heather came into view. “Captain,” he teased with a mock-salute.

“Captain,” Heather responded in a solemn tone. “Are you aware you have a fugitive on your arm?”

“Says you!” Remus protested. June flexed her faux-metal arm in a playful threat and he stuck his tongue out.

“Easy, you two, nobody needs a Winter Soldier showdown in the middle of a party,” Heather warned.

June winked, giving her shield a tug and her cheek a kiss. “Are you gonna fight for me instead, oh captain my captain?”

Heather rolled her eyes, though Remus saw a blush forming beneath the dark lipstick mark on her face. “I’m supposed to have a moral code, remember? Loops, did you get your pants from the army surplus on 63rd?”

“How did you know?” Remus asked, winding an arm around his own Captain America’s waist. “What gave it away? The fact that I had to put duct tape over the little symbol on the side, or that your girlfriend is wearing the exact same ones?”

“Lucky guess,” she deadpanned.

“I think we’re forgetting something vitally important, actually,” June said. Remus raised an eyebrow as she dug around in one of her many thigh pockets before emerging with her cell phone. “Bring it in, copycats.”

It took some shuffling—and several stepped-on toes from two different pairs of black combat boots—but the four of them managed to extract themselves from the crowd and fit into frame by the front door. “Smile!” Heather singsonged as June snapped a photo.

“Perfect,” June laughed when they separated. “Loops, we’re the cutest assassins the world has ever seen.”

His phone buzzed a moment later; he swept past the million notifications waiting in his inbox for the most recent tag, where two Captain Americas and two Winter Soldiers beamed at the screen. Peak mlm/ wlw solidarity, the caption read, then in parenthesis, Canada’s ass < America’s ass.

“Hey, Calder!” Remus called as the two women headed toward the pumpkin-carving station in the kitchen.

“Lupin!”

He raised his eyebrows and patted Sirius’ spandex-clad hip. “Watch your mouth about Canada’s ass.”

[tobi-smp]

Context: [Link] I was going to put this under that post, but it's gotten long enough that it deserves it's own post. hopefully none of the formatting gets killed in the move over. for anyone who doesn't want to click through: this is about technoblade and killing tubbo at the red festival and everything that followed.

@randombeluga

if you’re going to send me 13 replies in a row to say your point then please, just reblog my post. having to put your entire reply Within my response to it is the most cumbersome way I could possibly have to engage with you once we’re talking multiples. Especially with how I like to take screenshots of replies and caption them so people can know that I’m not altering any of the text at a glance, having both just isn’t really feasible after a certain point. replies have such a short text limit because they aren’t meant to be used this way, if you don’t want your followers to see it then make a side blog.

I very strongly considered just removing them, both because of what’s stated above and because you’ve missed the point Extremely hard, but there Are things that I’d like to address. so ! because of the length I’m going to match you and take this point by point.

here's the cut for length.

[Start transcription] “ I am not pretending that Techno is guiltless in a situation where he committed a massacre, however I do detest the way people like to twist the facts to make the events some merciless slaughter of Tubbo without any attempt by Technoblade to avoid it.” [End transcription]

Like I said, you missed the point of this post Extremely hard, or only read into it what you wanted to hear. this was not a post about the festival itself, this was a post about what came After the festival. about the 16th, about doomsday, about the syndicate invading snowchester.

tubbo tried to put his feelings behind him for the sake of everyone else when he forgave technoblade (when Canonically he was left with permanent scars on his face and body, when he’s still triggered by fireworks and when he still gets nightmares about what happened to this day), only for technoblade to hold him at gunpoint Again and shoot him in the head with fireworks Again while declaring him evil because they did the thing that they already said that they were going to do right in front of his face several times including that very day before he gave them any armor or weapons. it was Already an extremely traumatizing night for the pogtopians, but tubbo got a free recreation of the festival because technoblade couldn’t be assed to have a conversation for once in his life, how lucky!

and Then when he tried to get revenge, when he tried to take the offensive when they were afraid that he’d take their home again (because he Said he’d do that on the 16th, that he would never stop until they weren’t a government anymore, and then stockpiled weapons), he partnered with Dream to do doomsday, which somehow surpasses the literal mass slaughter in terms of traumatizing as many people in one swoop as possible (which intentionally mirrored the 16th with tnt, withers, and fireworks. lets not forget the iconic moment where tubbo jumped in front of a rocket techno had shot at tommy not knowing if it’d kill him for good or not).

tubbo was not and Is not okay because of this. technoblade made fun of tubbo using nukes to feel safe, but do you know why he felt the need to do that? because he's a teenager that watched everything he loved be taken away from him over and over and over again no matter what he did and he was called a tyrant and a dictator and worse than his abuser at every move he tried to make when he’d been upfront about the fact that he Didn’t Know What He Was Doing Because He’s A Child from the beginning.

tubbo was willing to die during the disc war finale, and that’s not new. people don’t talk about the dead mans switch, but when he made his nukes he created one that could only be activated manually. and he’d fully intended on using it if he lost tommy or if he lost his home again. that’s not just suicide ideation, that’s having a Plan. That’s what technoblade’s actions caused. not only did he go to the biggest extremes that he could because he couldn’t feel Safe trying to protect his home and the people he loved without it (and arguably still doesn’t, arguably never will), but he was passively Suicidal.

and then there’s the snowchester visit. which was technoblade Overtly threatening the safety of his home unprovoked Specifically in the direct aftermath of his best friend’s death, when he Knew it was specifically in the direct aftermath of his best friend’s death. and then he made tubbo prove that he’d “learned his lesson” with one of the most traumatizing things techno had ever done to him at the Overt threat that he’d have his home violently ripped away from him a fourth time if he didn’t comply all while his Son was hidden in the walls of that home.

and Now in canon his memories of the event have Literally been warped so he can place the blame on anyone else. on big q, who was afraid for him and wanted to help him, on wilbur who loved him and didn’t want him to get hurt. he’s been traumatized Out Of being able to blame technoblade for Traumatizing him because it’s not safe to blame him. because it’s not safe to be angry at him.

that’s why both of your responses Are Not Appropriate. this was not a post about dissecting the festival or who’s “really” to blame for it (even if you’re completely 100% right technoblade still pulled the trigger and that was a choice that he made), it was about tubbo being Traumatized over and over and over again until he doesn’t feel safe in expressing his feelings authentically because that anger could get him traumatized Again. because technoblade was waiting over his head like an anvil to strike him down if he steps out of line. That, That is the thing that I was angry about when I made this post.

and I need you to understand and keep that in mind when I respond to the rest of this, because technoblade continuously traumatizing tubbo without any regard to what he’s doing had a Massive effect on his mental health and self esteem that frankly no one has recovered from. the anniversary stream was specifically About how he hasn’t and Can’t move on from that trauma, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to save a word against technoblade. when he described the event to ranboo during the cookie outpost conflict he regurgitated what techno used to justify it to blame quackity through warping his memories of the event. this is a trauma response in and of itself, and I need you to understand that. what technoblade’s done is traumatize tubbo so badly that he can’t even be angry with him anymore and I need you to understand that.

okay? okay.

[Start transcription] “Phil has said on stream that the characters aren’t supposed to be aware of their lives. - Techno (as a character) has stated that if he died at the festival, which was likely if he attempted to defend Tubbo, the revolution would’ve lost a massive portion of its weapons and items.“ [End transcription]

first of all, you’re objectively wrong about technoblade being likely to die at the festival and that’s the most ridiculous point that techno apologists try to use because it contradicts the very thing that happened on screen. the kickback from the rocket was strong enough to kill both schlatt and quackity on stage and technoblade got out of the festival alive. he Did 100% attack schlatt at the festival, Pulled His Weapon On The Crowd Of Manberg Citizens, and completely survived. what he Actually did was objectively worse than refusing to kill tubbo and nobody even killed him at all. so what are you talking about? what’s that supposed to mean? you’re inventing a problem that does not exist.

there’s a reason why mr beast payed $100,000 for technoblade and dream to duel right before this (which techno won), there’s a reason why techno has a 1400+ streak in bedwars, why there were characters who were canonically Afraid of him (notably quackity) Because Of How Strong He Is. because he Could Have and Did fight off everyone at once.

if you wanna argue that tubbo would have slowed him down 1: how would that be solved by armorless wilbur also jumping in and needing to be saved? 2: armorless wilbur Did jump in and Did need to be saved.

technoblade is a paranoid character so there is Maybe a case to be made about him overestimating the strength of the people around him, but that doesn’t mean that his actions weren’t obviously a mistake or that everyone else wasn’t in the right for being angry. it also Definitely doesn’t mean that we the audience should act as if that potential paranoia was correct when we saw on screen that it wasn’t.

second of all, maybe philza did say that but it’s not actually something that he can canonize on his own. characters have verbally acknowledged their number of lives before, and the lives system in general is extremely nebulous and situational. he can say that his own character doesn’t know, but he can’t make that decision for other cc’s, not without bringing it up to the entire server and letting them weigh in on what they want so everyone is on the same page. (please dear god let the cc’s communicate with each other).

moreover, that’s worse. you know that that’s worse right?  not knowing how many lives someone is down when you’re fully aware that this is a teenager that’s been in Multiple wars means any blow could be their last. he could’ve been killing tubbo for good, he could’ve killed tubbo on the 16th, on doomsday, and yet he chose to do it anyways. I realize that you’re point is to excuse techno’s actions by saying that he wouldn’t have been aware that he was on all of his lives (which is ridiculous because he just joined the server and no one had killed him yet), but that suggestion makes the decision to kill tubbo worse.

[Start transcription] “Techno has been seen with Wilbur and Tommy on multiple occasions during  conflicts with Schlatt and Manburg. They definitely knew he was working for them. Not to mention that he wasn’t subtle in the slightest.” [End transcription]

that doesn’t actually counter my point. like I said, they Suspected techno’s involvement, but they didn’t have proof. which meant that they wanted to deal with him but he was allowed to free roam the server. he hadn’t been banned from manberg and he’d been directly invited to the festival.

dream had been seen fighting With tommy during the pet wars and yet he hadn’t been targeted. he continued to hang out with tommy even when he’d officially joined schlatt. and dream had specifically been trying to keep his support of pogtopia in the shadows if his letter to tommy is to be believed.

wilbur knew that they were probably suspicious of techno, but they didn’t have direct dirt on him which made him the safest out of all of them. which is objectively true, because tommy and wilbur would have been killed on sight while techno would not have. you can’t just ignore that fact because it isn’t convenient.

and there’s a lot of things that techno isn’t subtle about that we all have to pretend isn’t obvious innit.

[Start transcription] “I do not blame Tommy for not stepping in, but I do blame Wilbur for naively expecting Techno to be able to fight an entire nation worth of people, while protecting someone without any armour or weapons, and successfully facilitating all their escapes.“ [End transcription]

this is all information that I’ve already stated, but I’m going to restate it anyways.

1: wilbur and tommy were by Law required to be killed on sight if they entered manberg illegally, wilbur was holding tommy back because he could have been Killed and there’s absolutely no way that he wouldn’t have followed wilbur in.

2: Technoblade Is Completely Capable Of Fighting Off An Entire Nation And Everyone Knew It, Techno Most Of All. Let’s read this achievement on technoblade’s youtube wikipage together shall we?  “Placing 2nd in a server-wide Hypixel Skywars Solo tournament, where 63,090 unique players competed.“ [Link] Technoblade Did fight off manberg that night, he Did turn on pogtopia and flee with his life, he Did fight an entire nation and come out without having died once during doomsday. this is the worst excuse you could make because it’s so blatantly wrong. it’s “technoblade never dies” for a Reason.

3: wilbur was unarmed, wearing no armor, and is bad at pvp, that’s why they needed help.  I’ll say this again: Wilbur Had No Armor And Was Holding Gravel tubbo is a better fighter than wilbur, handing tubbo a weapon would’ve given them a better chance than expecting wilbur to jump in and help. him jumping in would be Even More Dead Weight, which is even more ridiculous considering the last point.

4: Wilbur Didn’t Think That Technoblade Was Going To Shoot Him. He Thought That Technoblade, The Person Who Wants To Destroy Manberg Because He Hates Governments, Was Never Going To Listen To The Dictator Telling Him To Murder His Teenage Ally. I already went over this point in detail and it’s interesting that you have nothing to counter any of it. just restating what you said before. wilbur Did jump in without any armor that night After He Realized That He Couldn’t Trust Techno To Protect His Allies Or Wilbur’s Friends. which he shouldn’t have had to come to realize.

it’s like arguing that michae phelps was justified in drowning a kid in a pool because he was afraid he was gonna drown.

[Start transcription] “People screaming in the crowd achieved literally nothing. There were still multiple fully armoured people in the crowd who were the actual threat to Techno, none of which were screaming about how he had a choice. Niki, while well meaning, wasn’t in a position to actually offer any assistance.“ [End transcription]

first of all: And Wilbur Is? Huh? Huh? Huh? niki’s a better fighter than wilbur And was better armed than wilbur And she was already partnered with pogtopia And had fought along side techno in the pet wars And she was actively trying to reach out to techno in that exact moment. wilbur was supposed to step in and get himself killed and that was supposed to fix everything and make techno not murder tubbo, but niki “achieved literally nothing?” and what was wilbur supposed to achieve that niki was apparently incapable of? And Who’s Fault Is It That Nothing Was Changed?

wack and a half.

second of all: It Tells Techno That He Wasn’t As Surrounded As It May Look On First Glance. when the fighting broke out Several people in that crowd fought against schlatt, especially notable being the people who’d form the badlands (I love you sam), and several more that refused to fight For schlatt. tubbo was a manberg citizen And a l’manberg citizen and a Child. people Liked him and they were disgusted at what schlatt was doing. no one else in the manberg cabinet knew what was going to happened, both quackity and fundy were upset and trying to get schlatt to stop.

it Does mean something because it Did mean something. technoblade Wouldn’t Have Been Alone if he chose to spare tubbo, and Several Fully Armoured People tried telling him that.

[Start transcription] I’ve never really believed the explanation that the voices made him do it. It seemed more that he decided the only two options were to flee and let someone else kill Tubbo, or to stay and kill Tubbo (staying and fighting would’ve likely led to both of their deaths).  Which was supported by the same claims to Tommy in the following stream (during that bit about acquiring phantom membranes). [Eng transcription]

1: I at least want to acknowledge that you don’t justify techno’s actions with an ableist stereotype. good job

2: saying it more doesn’t make it true. the fact that he felt like those were his only options is the problem because it was explicitly untrue. you dismissed niki as not having accomplished anything, but she was Specifically Trying To Get Technoblade To Realize That He Had A Choice, That He Wasn’t Stuck Between The Options That Schlatt Was Presenting. technoblade made the Choice, he used his agency and chose to kill a teenager when he objectively did not have to. we all know this because he could have extremely easily not done what he did.

3: the fact that technoblade claimed anything to justify his actions after the fact doesn’t change anything. he was wrong and he continued to be wrong. he yelled that he’d been upfront with pogtopia when he shot them and sent withers at them but they’d been just as if not more upfront with him in telling him that they specifically did not want to destroy manberg and that they specifically wanted to take lmanberg, the country, back as their home. he decided after the fact that tommy only ever wanted to use him and that tommy didn’t even see him as a person when tommy had refused to join techno until techno lied to him to convince him to join and then proceeded to bond with him for a week and said specifically “That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you” completely sincerely when techno said they could be friends.

“I was only the blade to you” he says, months after never once expressing any discomfort with the nickname, when his full name is “Techno Blade,” when tommy uses nicknames for everyone he knows, when tommy calls him “techno” or “technoblade” more than he ever uses blade by itself.  [Dream Wastaken voice] “I was only Big D to you!”

he’s very much so known to twist the truth to justify his actions, the fact that he seemingly convinces himself of these facts and argues them until other people believes him doesn’t change what he’s doing.

[Start transcription] "The idea that Techno wouldn’t understand helplessness at this point is untrue, given the events of his execution. With his closest friend and a companion held at essentially knife point, all his armour and weapons stripped from him, and no idea how he would escape even if the totem worked - because no one else understood it at the time. He was executed under the pretence of a trial, and being locked in a cage waiting to die seems rather helpless to me. Yes, he had the totem, but he was still unarmed in the middle of enemy territory with both of his closest companions captured and threatened." [End transcription]

oh so we're using things that didn't happen at the festival to argue that techno is the most likely to understand tubbo's helplessness and that tubbo himself thinks of it that way and That's why it's not supposed to be sad that he was traumatized out of valuing his own life?

so wilbur, tommy, and fundy didn't feel helpless when they were trapped and murdered in the final control room as they were betrayed by someone that they trusted and watched as their country blew up?

tommy didn't feel helpless when he was cut off from everyone he loved, kidnapped, isolated and abused alone, made to believe that no one loved him, and was driven nearly to suicide? he didn't feel helpless when his abuser hunted him down and the only person he had to protect him openly offered to trade away his freedom for a favor?

tommy didn't feel helpless when that person who he trusted immediately partnered with his abuser to destroy his home? all of l'manberg didn't feel helpless when they fought with everything they had only to watch as three people obliterated them while techno laughed and screamed that he was going to kill all of them, leaving them with nothing? they didn't feel helpless as they stood above the wreckage, singing the anthem with the ghost of it's founder unable to comprehend the pain of the event in front of him? tommy didn't feel helpless as he stood in front of his abuser, nothing in hand and nothing left under their feet, while his abuser looked him in the eyes and told him that everything just happened because he thought it was fun (that he was Never going to stop hurting tommy because he thought it was fun)?

jack didn't feel helpless when technoblade killed him and sent him to hell?

tommy didn't feel helpless when he was locked in a cell with his abuser for weeks on end, beaten to death, trapped in the afterlife for months feeling his atoms rip apart and put themselves back together over and over again?

ey? Ey?

technoblade survived, jack did not, tommy did not, wilbur did not, fundy did not, tubbo did not, Quackity Did Not.

and I need you to understand how tone deaf this is. the butcher army event was morally wrong, but it happened Because Technoblade Had Murdered Tubbo. Because He'd Turned On Pogtopia And Helped Destroy Them And Then Promised To Destroy Them Again And Then Never Told Them That He Wasn't Going To Keep Destroying Them After He Promised To Keep Doing It.

they were Afraid Of Him because he Killed Them and said he was going to Keep Doing That and then he Did. He Did Do Exactly That. technoblade fought The Entirety Of The Butcher Army and would have won if it hadn't been for carl. he fought quackity in iron armor and with a pickaxe and Killed Him. if he had lost this life, he would've been spawned back at his house because they didn't reset his spawn.

I'm not arguing that technoblade didn't have the right to be afraid when his life is in danger, everyone does, but we the audience know damn well that he wasn't helpless and we also know damn well that his actions are Beyond hypocritical. techno's failed execution was in response to his Successful execution, and in response he Directly Killed two people (one of which wasn't involved in the butcher army at all And Went To Hell). meanwhile he was actively arguing that him killing tubbo Did Not And Should Not Matter.

so no, I don't think we should Ever expect tubbo to empathize with technoblade, and in fact I think it's really gross to suggest that he should! the parallels between new l'manberg's actions and manberg are interesting from a story perspective, but that doesn't translate to the characters' motivations or feelings.

[Start transcription] "“I’m sorry Tubbo, I’ll try to make your death as painless and colourful as possible.” Was followed by a pickaxe hit that was supposed to lower him to enough health that he would die in one shot - clearly trying to make it as painless as possible. He even expressed surprise when it didn’t kill him." [End transcription]

Do You Think Getting Hit With An Axe Is Painless?

techno was indeed trying to lower tubbo's health, that doesn't make getting hit by an axe and Shot less painful. that doesn't change the fact that tubbo was permanently Scarred afterwards. heh?

also, "painless and colorful" was the joke I was referring to. that's the joke he made while choosing to kill tubbo. bit tasteless in universe that

[Start transcription] And why do people continually push the narrative that Techno got told to kill Tubbo and pulled the trigger an instant later? He spent minutes standing on a stage, in front of a screaming crowd with enemies to his back, making a (admittedly awkward) attempt to defuse the situation. [End transcription]

I did not make this argument, nor do I think it actually matters. the fact that he stalled is actually worse In My Opinion because it means that he had time to think about what he was going to do next and made the decision, it Wasn't impulsive. he had Minutes to decide what he was going to do, and he made that choice.

also really convenient the people in the crowd yelling that tubbo Shouldn't Be Killed, telling techno that he has a choice, expressing Verbally that they weren't in support to tubbo dying "didn't accomplish anything," but here they're the screaming crowd of enemies at his back at fault for pressuring him into shooting. which is it? does it matter or doesn't it?

I'm not gonna argue that having a vocal crowd isn't more Uncomfortable, but him Being Told that at least Some of the people behind you Will Have His Back if he tried to save tubbo should really factor in on whether or not he should feel like he has a crowd of enemies standing behind him.

[Start transcription] Schlatt was either aware of Wilbur and Tommy’s presence, or just kept looking at them accidentally, because he spent a portion of the execution just staring at the two of them on that roof. [End transcription]

whether or not that's true (it's impossible to know, since cc!schlatt could've just been aware that they were there, or again just a coincidence) that doesn't really. Matter? for the exact same reason why manberg being aware that techno was with pogtopia doesn't matter. the characters couldn't know that for sure (and in this case they Really wouldn't have had any idea), so they acted with the hope that they could mitigate that.

if you think you Might be caught in a lie but that you also Might Be Able To Get Away With It then what's more likely to get you out of the situation consequence free? continuing with the lie in the hopes that you haven't been caught, or confessing that lie for free?

the latter really doesn't seem like a very good war strategy, so a bit strange you keep suggesting they should've done it.

[Start transcription] I have more points to make, and I’d be happy to continue the conversation, but I do need to go make porridge. [End transcription]

I hope you enjoyed your porridge king, get those nutrients.

[Start transcription] I will not pretend that Technoblade shouldn’t of apologised more for his actions. Especially the massacre, which was entirely unwarranted, but he wasn’t an absolute villain, and the warped version of events people love to propagate removes a lot of the moral greyness that makes the SMP so unique as a story. [End transcription]

what makes this decision morally gray is him being either ignorant or paranoid, which he lost the rights to when he beat tommy to a pulp rather than say sorry (to tubbo And To Tommy, who watched his best friend get murdered right in front of him). he shouldn't have done what he did, but we Can argue that his paranoia drove him to make the mistake. it's what came after that made it irredeemable, it's him making a whole Speech about how "violence is the only universal language" rather than make up with the teenagers that he permanently traumatized.

technoblade Is a morally gray character but he makes morally Black decisions because he hurts people and then justifies it to himself afterwards or during.

[Start transcription] In terms of rebuilding that relationship, the weight definitely rests on Techno, though I don’t see that happening for either of them. Techno is fundamentally unwilling to trust people who have previously “betrayed” him - especially after Tommy - and Tubbo has every reason to despise Techno, not to mention their Very polarised beliefs. [End transcription]

Technoblade Made The Choice To Ruin That Relationship, He Made The Choice To Not Reconnect In Pogtopia.

Technoblade was the on who'd betrayed Them at the red festival, neither tubbo or tommy had done Anything to him at this point and he Refused to take accountability, he Refused to apologize. he only kept reiterating his own innocence while pushing them further away.

tubbo And tommy Both made it clear that they didn't want to destroy l'manberg, wilbur and techno were the Only Ones who wanted that and techno Continued To Stay. then rather than Talk To Any Of Them At Any Point he Immediately shot tubbo again and cut ties when they wanted to take back their home. the thing they'd been fighting for since techno joined the server.

he never once actually explained what anarchy was, what it looked like, how it could make their lives better. he never tried to Talk to them about his beliefs. and that's a character flaw. that's a Massive Crater of a character flaw. he Hurt Them because he was unwilling to Talk to them because Violence is the only language that he knows. and then he gets angry when they respond in kind.

and "especially after tommy." you mean when techno visited tommy on the first day of his exile, made fun of him, and then hinted that he Already wanted to work with him even though nothing had changed between their ideologies and tommy was actively angry with him?

you mean when tommy almost killed himself and ran off into the snow with nowhere else to go and Still refused to partner with technoblade when he found him and offered because he killed his best friend right in front of him and wanted to destroy l'manberg? and then technoblade insisted that he couldn't survive on his own and then Lied to say that they'd only do minor terrorism and wouldn't hurt tubbo to finally make tommy join?

you mean when techno continued to lie throughout their partnership, trying to make tommy a more Violent person without telling him that's what he was doing but pulling back whenever tommy caught him pushing too far (which tommy did often, which tommy Fully brought up how he wasn't going to destroy l'manberg or hurt tubbo Continuously while techno lied to him that they weren't going to do that)?

you mean when techno had tommy help him prepare to destroy l'manberg (which would have hurt tubbo) under false pretenses and only came clean about this fact days before they went through with it? that tommy was verbally confused the Exact same way that techno has seen him get the entire time (especially in relation to dream)? how tommy argued against him Up Until he held being tommy's friend over his head (when he knows full well that tommy was abandoned and has a Weird conditioning to see dream as his friend)? how even after that tommy Continued insisting that l'manberg was his and tubbo's Home, how he didn't want it gone, and techno Verbally confirmed that he caught that that didn't sound like tommy actually wanted to destroy it but then didn't push it any further because he got the answer he wanted to hear?

you mean how tommy's heel turn was not in realizing he hated techno or in hurting him, but in realizing that He was becoming someone he couldn't like anymore because he hurt people that he loved? how techno had presented their partnership as conditional on both of them getting what they want out of it and tommy had Already fulfilled the original conditions Of said partnership (minor terrorism, getting techno his stuff back) And Then Some? how tommy Apologized to techno then and there and tried to make it clear that it was About himself, his own mental health and struggle with his own morality after he'd been conditioned and abused and lashed out because of it?

you mean how techno turned around and partnered with tommy's abuser and shouted that he was going to kill tommy and everyone in l'manberg while raining tnt and withers and rocket launchers down on their heads?

that tommy? that conflict?

yeah that don't make techno look more rational, I ain't gonna lie.

[Start transcription] "So I suppose what I’m saying is that Technoblade isn’t a character without guilt or his fair share of reprehensible actions, as most characters in the SMP do, but there’s a recent trend of misconstruing past events or just misremembering them to try and turn him into an entirely villainous character, and there’s no better example of that then the current fanon version of the festival." [End transcription]

being morally gray does not stop you from being a villain. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but shooting and killing a teenager who thinks of you as a friend and an ally who is completely helpless and hasn't done anything wrong and then beating that teenager's best friend to a pulp while he watches to avoid having to take responsibility for doing that is a villainous thing to do.

I can tell you for a complete Fact that at the time people saw him as a villain, that people labeled that as techno betraying pogtopia (because he did). it's revisionist to argue that it Wasn't villainous. that's an action that he had to Redeem himself for doing, which he never did. he's only doubled down and continued to hurt people. he's only doubled down and continued to hurt Tubbo while pretending he doesn't understand why tubbo is scared of him

you Have to acknowledge that what techno did to tubbo was horrific and traumatizing, otherwise you're just gonna sound like a knob. or at least be rather tone deaf

[redpandaramblings]

The Art of Blind Dates. Deku x GN! Reader

This piece was written for @rat-zuki 's the deku agenda escapes no one collab. Happy Birthday to our favorite broccoli.

Content warning- This fic rated PG-13. Aged up characters, Allusions to sexual activity, swearing, gender neutral reader.

“You know, we really have to stop meeting like this.”

You jumped, the spray can you had been using left an unsightly streak of bright red across your masterpiece. You scowled behind your mask as you turned to face the man who had spoken.

“We do. You keep making me mess up my hard work!”

You smirked, pleased with yourself as you saw Deku, the number one pro hero, recoil at the sight of your mask. It had taken a few weeks to convert the All Might mask into an ahegao face, but it was worth it if it horrified your number one pain in the ass. Izuku blinked a few times, sighing and bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He was clearly choosing to ignore your choice of disguise.

“I wouldn’t have to mess with your work if you chose to do things that were, you know, actually legal? You’re talented, Brushstroke. You could get paid to do murals or something instead of…” Deku gestured towards your latest creation. You were rather proud of it. It had taken a good amount of planning to manage to paint a fifty foot tall mural of pro hero Dynamight mooning the city with the bold caption ‘The Hero Commision can kiss my ass.’ It would be perfect if not for the red streak from where Deku had startled you. With a contemplative hum you shook your spray can and quickly turned the offending mark into a cartoonish lipstick print. Midoriya sighed heavily. “I’m standing right here, you know.”

“I know.” You grinned behind your mask. The voice distorter you used did nothing to hide your chipper tone. “I also know you like it. And you can’t tell me Dynamight wouldn’t love it. He literally said that on live interview!”

“Yes, but not with his pants down to his knees.”

You bent over, throwing your cans of spray paint and climbing gear into your duffle bag. It wouldn’t do for your nemesis to get his hands on some of the tools you used. Mei’s stamp was all over it.

“Which is such a shame. The man’s got cake for days.” You chuckled as Deku pulled a face.

He observed you, hands on his hips. “And where do you think you’re going?”

“Away, obviously.” You said as you threw the strap of your dufflebag across you.

“And I’m just going to let you go?”

“Oh no. You’re going to chase me like you always do. And I’m going to escape like I always do. And it’s going to drive you crazy because you can’t figure out how I keep doing it.” You began stretching, exaggerating each movement.

“A teleportation quirk isn’t that hard to figure out.” Izuku began stretching as well, rolling his shoulders and popping joints.

“Guess again.” You sing songed, bouncing on your toes.

“Wouldn’t have to guess if you just told me.”

“But that’s no fun. Unfortunately, I do have to be going. Catch you later, hot stuff!” And with a sprint, you raced to the side of the building and jumped off before activating your quirk.

Time slowed around you. It was like you were hovering in the air instead of falling. Freeze Frame was a quirk you had learned to perfect over the years. Between the quirk and the assorted gadgets in your bag and on your person, it was definitely enough to baffle the number one pro hero. Speaking of, you better work quickly before your quirk wore off and splatted you across the sidewalk.

Freeze Frame was named after what your quirk looked like from the outside. It was as if you teleported, or you had frozen time around you for everyone except yourself. In reality, you were a speedster. When your quirk was active, you were able to move at speeds so fast you were undetectable to others, and to you it seemed like everything was paused in time. You probably could have been a phenomenal hero or villain if you wanted. But currently, it was much more fun to thwart a certain green haired man.

With a press of a button, you deployed a grappling hook, snagging it on the building across the alley. You swung over, keeping a countdown in your head. Would you be lucky enough and have time to…? Yes. There! A balcony door was cracked open slightly. You gracefully landed on the balcony and used the door to slip into what appeared to be someone’s bedroom, thankfully unoccupied at the moment. Taking no chances though, you slip into the closet just as the effects of your quirk wear off. The other reason you had never turned to heroism or villainy- no matter how much you trained, you could only keep your quirk activated for ten seconds at a time. It wasn’t a lot. Plus you could only activate your quirk a couple dozen times a day without getting seriously ill. But it still was usually more than enough to be able to give any law enforcement the slip. Just like now.

Deku curses as he runs to the edge of the roof. You’re nowhere to be seen. “Brushstroke! Get back here, you damn brat!” He shouted, running a hand through his hair in frustration. One of these days he was going to figure out your quirk and how to counteract it. And when that day comes he was going to take you over his knee and… No. He shook his head, blushing to clear his thoughts. What to do with you. Well, he wasn’t sure yet. You weren’t a villain, really. More of a public nuisance. The murals you did showed a lot of talent and a good chunk of the population agreed with the social commentary behind them. But that didn’t change that you had painted ten foot tall asscheeks on a building without permission. And, technically, it was within his job description to apprehend you. “Brushstroke!” Deku called again as he made his way down to the ground. There was no sign of you anywhere. Invisibility quirk maybe? Though it would be unusual if you could turn all the stuff you had been wearing and carrying invisible as well.

Meanwhile, as Izuku was getting lost in thought, you were getting naked. You stripped out of your gear and paint covered smock, moving as quickly as you dared while still remaining quiet in your hidden location. Just because the bedroom had been empty doesn’t mean the rest of the place was, after all. You shoved everything into your dufflebag, pulling out a clean set of clothing from a zippered pocket. Getting changed was a simple affair, as was ruffling your hair, messily getting it to look like a different style. One of your favorite tricks happened when you pushed a hidden button on the edge of your duffle bag. The previously dull gray bag quickly morphed into a loud riot of tye dyed color. Chameleon bags, Hatsume called them. Still in a prototype stage, your friend and employer would probably make a mint on them if you put them on the market. After a final brush off and deciding you looked acceptably civilian, you peeked out the closet door. The bedroom was still empty. You crept out slowly. The balcony wasn’t a feasible exit anymore. Not without the gear you had had to store away. You were going to have to sneak out the front door. You activated your quirk, feeling a little queasy at having to use it again so quickly in succession. It was simple to race through the apartment and out into the hall within your short time limit. In fact, with your speed, you were easily able to exit the entire apartment complex. You still had a few seconds to spare when you shot out the door. You grinned at seeing the number one pro hero standing in the middle of the street. You knew you shouldn’t do what you were thinking. Instead you should use your last few spare seconds to put some distance between yourself and the large, green haired man. Instead, you quickly dug around in your bag and found your tube of lipstick. You applied a nice thick coat as you waltzed up to him. With a giggle, you planted a firm smacking kiss on his cheek, leaving behind a clear and perfect lip print. With a grin, you hurried back to the apartment complex. It was easy to make it seem like you were just coming out of the door as time snapped back to its proper speed. You watched, hiding your smirk as you observed the clearly frustrated hero scanning the crowds for any sign of you. His eyes passed right over you, barely giving you a glance. You almost felt hurt that he thought your normal look was that unremarkable. But that was the point, after all. As Deku continued to call out for your pseudonym, you turned and walked away, blending into the crowd. You were almost out of earshot when you heard a loud cursing exclamation that would have been more in character for a certain blond hero. You bite your knuckle to muffle your laughter. Someone had informed Deku of the lipstick mark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sipped from a bottle of water as you watched Mei work her magic. It was strangely relaxing to watch her in her element. Though it seemed chaotic the first few times you had witnessed your friend work, there was a clear method to the madness if you just knew where to look. And you knew exactly where to look now that you had been working with her for the past three years. You were simply listed as one of her assistants. Most days that involved a random jumble of cleaning, paperwork, schedule management, and coffee making. The real reason Hatsume loved having you around however, was days like this.

“Okay! Set!” She chirped happily. “You good to go now?”

You nodded as you slid down, and walked into the testing area. “Remind me what I’m looking for again?”

“Well, obviously the usual. Make sure it’s not lethal, of course. And then I want to make sure the grid is deploying at the right time. Should be about a quarter second after detonation.”

“As long as everything looks good, want me to be full blown dummy this time?”

Hatsume tilted her head, and considered a moment before nodding. “Yeah, should be fine. Have the explosive levels where they should be. If anything messes up it’s going to be the grid deploying too soon or too late and not restraining you right.”

You gave her a thumbs up as you got into position. She counted down, though that didn’t matter much to you, honestly. One of the best perks of your quirk was that it gave you insane reflexes. You waited until the moment you saw the detonation begin to happen and activated your quirk.

As usual, it felt like time slowed to a crawl around you. Hollywood directors would give a kidney to have access to the detailed slow motion you could experience every day for free. You walked around the device, looking it over. It was meant to be a capture aid for pro hero Cellophane, a small explosive that would shoot nets of tape in all directions. It had to be safe and effective. Better to have a few civilians stuck to the walls than to risk letting a villain escape, after all. You peered into the explosion that was slowly rippling outward. Everything looked good so far… Yep, there were the grids starting to deploy. Sure that everything was safe, you deactivated your quirk and instantly were thrown backward and stuck to a padded wall of the testing room.

“Looked great!” You called as Hatsume entered the room. “I think you’ve finally got it!”

While she cheered and began praising her baby for performing so well, you tried wiggling. No luck. You were stuck rather firmly. Apparently she had upped the strength of the adhesive. After a minute, Hatsume finally noticed your struggles.

“Oh good!” She chirped. “Looks like the new formula is holding up nicely. I mean, I still need to test it out against, like strength and fire quirks, but looking good so far.”

“Little help, please?” You ask, giving her a look.

“Maybe in a bit.” She said, turning her back and leaving you there, pinned. “Want to test how long it holds. Besides, I have some questions about your last escapade and how my babies held up.”

You let out a resigned sigh. Of course. Your friend had found out about your after hours hobby about a year and a half ago. Instead of discouraging you, it hadn’t surprised you that much when she blackmailed you. She wouldn’t tell the police or heroes…. If you used some of her experimental babies on your future excursions. You had been dubious. Hatsume’s babies could be a little dangerous in the prototype stage. But it ended up working great! Your pieces went from small tagging jobs to huge fifty foot murals. Though that had caught the attention of a few public figures, including a certain green haired pain in your ass.

“I didn’t use anything directly against Deku this time.” You sighed, going limp to test if the tape would hold your weight. It did. “Grappling hook works great. The painter drones are okay for filling in large areas, but aren’t able to do clean lines well. The gecko boots continue to be amazing, but the gloves need a lot of work. The control for when they release still isn’t great.”

Hatsume nodded, quickly making notes about everything you said. There was a bit of a quick back and forth where she asked questions and you answered. Though ten minutes passed and you were still stuck to the wall. She eventually sets her notes aside and turns to face you fully. “So,” she drawls. “You saw Deku again.”

“I always see Deku nowadays!” You groan. “I swear Mei, if I find out you’re tipping him off or something...”

“Aww, come on! He’s nice! Would you rather be dealing with Dynamight?”

You frowned, not meeting her gaze. “I mean, the variety might be nice?”

“You like that with the help of my babies you’re able to out fox the number one pro hero, admit it!”

“It might be a little satisfying,” you mutter.

“And it doesn’t hurt that he’s hot either! Heard you two get all flirty during chases. The tabloids loved the kiss mark, by the way. Enjoy finally kissing him?”

“Hatsume!” you groan. “Subject change, please! Anything else!”

“Anything?” she grins at you.

“Oh god, I’m going to regret this.”

“It’s not that bad, I promise! Just, would you be interested in a blind date?”

You blink. “A date?”

“Yeah! One of my friends from school has a lot of trouble meeting people organically. You know how the industry is. Ridiculous schedules, maintaining reputation, trying to make sure they like you for you and aren’t just a fan.”

“Yeah… I guess I can understand that.”

“Well, I just think you and him would be a great fit! He’s a huge nerd in a lot of the same ways you are, but a real good guy once you get past the awkward. Plus,” Hatsume dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper “I happen to know for a fact that he’s a fan of Brushstroke’s work.”

You sighed, rolling your eyes. “You know it’s extortion to try to get me to agree when you have me literally taped to a wall.”

“I know!” Hatsume chirped happily. “So are you going to agree? I made the adhesive pretty strong this time. Who knows how long it would take to wear off on it’s own?”

“Bitch!” You can’t help laughing. “Alright, alright, I’ll go. Just get me down from here!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You fidgeted with the ring you were wearing as you stared at the building in front of you. Maybe it wasn’t too late to bail? You don’t know exactly what you had been expecting when Hatsume had told you about the somewhat shy, nerdy man she had set you up with, but you hadn’t expected him to choose the fanciest restaurant in town as your date location. You were wearing your best and still felt underdressed. Well, if the date was a disaster, at least you knew what building you were going to spray paint next. The glistening white exterior would make for a great canvas. You chuckled quietly at your own thoughts.

Squaring your shoulders, you took a deep breath and marched in. You could do this. You were an infamous tagger. You faced off against the number one pro hero regularly. Your day job was working with Hatsume. You’ve got this. With an air of newfound confidence, you gave your name to the maitre d. It was a surprise when you were led through the restaurant to one of their private curtained rooms. This guy you’d been set up with was apparently going all out. Maybe you were going to like him after all, you thought as you were ushered in. Then you looked up.

Fuck.

Standing to greet you with a stupidly flustered look on his damn stupid handsome face was your nemisis. The number one thorn in your proverbial side. The giant broccoli himself.

That BITCH had set you up with Izuku Midoriya!

You froze. In the back of your mind you were aware that your mouth was hanging open. The green haired man shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Hi,” he said quietly, scratching the back of his head.

You continued to stare.

He cleared his throat, glancing to the side. “Sorry about the secrecy, but I think it’s understandable.”

You nodded weakly.

Izuku bit his lip. You realized with a start that he might be even more nervous than you are. As much as you planned to murder Hatsume later, this wasn’t Midoriya’s fault. You could get through this date at least. Eat some expensive food, drink the best wines, make some meaningless conversation, say your goodbyes, and then go home to plot the demise of your former best friend. Long, slow painful demise. Good thing about being an artist, you had lots of traps, so clean up should be easy. Looking at the worried expression on Izuku’s face, you realize with a start that you still haven’t actually said anything to him. You open your mouth to offer some sort of generic greeting. But what comes out is-

“I’m going to fucking murder Mei!”

Izuku blinks. Blinks again. Then he starts laughing loudly. He leans one hand on the table as he cackles. You stare before starting to chuckle yourself. Soon you’re both wheezing with laughter. You both slump into your seats, trying to collect yourselves. Midoriya speaks first.

“Yeah, I… I get that. I’d think that’s a common emotion when hanging around Hatsume.”

You can’t help your smile. “Only at least half of the time. But that’s what makes it fun. No one else like her.”

“That’s for sure.” Izuku leaned back in his seat, looking you over like he’s studying you. “So, I suppose we should actually introduce ourselves. I’m Izuku Midoriya. I do hero work.”

You laugh. “Y/N Y/L/N. I work for Mei and freelance art when I can.”

“Art, huh? What kind of stuff do you do?”

You’re briefly interrupted by the arrival of the first course. After the waiter leaves, Deku apologies. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to order for you, but this is one of those places where you pay them and they tell you what you’re going to eat.”

“It’s fine.” You say as you stare at the delicate wisp of some sort of thinly shaved vegetable with a dollop of strangely colored foam on top.

“You were saying what kind of art you do?” Deku cautiously was poking at the tiny fancy appetizer.

“A few different things really, but my passion is mural work. Latest job was in a maid cafe. They wanted something cute and floral, but they let me do what I wanted within that theme.”

The night continued on and was surprisingly easy. The food was delicious, the wine was better, and you were pleasantly surprised by the company. Maybe it was the wine softening you up, but as you looked across the table where Izuku was animatedly talking about how influential All Might’s example had been for him, you admitted to yourself that the green haired man was very handsome. And funny. And interesting. And you were trying very hard not to think about the way Midoriya’s large scarred hand wrapped around the delicate wine glass. It was a surprise when the final course was finished and Izuku was quietly taking care of the bill. He escorted you out of the building and you both stood awkwardly outside. Deku cleared his throat.

“If it’s not presuming too much, I’m not quite ready for tonight to end. Is it alright if I walk you home?”

“I’d like that. Like that a lot, actually.”

He smiled at you, and it was like the sun. You walked and talked animatedly. The conversation was so easy and fun, and a little flirty. Somewhere along the way your hands brushed together and holding hands became the most natural thing in the world. Time flew by as you walked together, your true destination long forgotten. You were only brought back to reality when out of the corner of your eye you saw a massive mural of pro hero asscheeks. When Izuku saw what you were looking at, he groaned.

“Could you please not check out my friend’s ass while we’re on a date?” He joked, gently elbowing your ribs. You laughed.

“I mean, you can’t blame me. It’s hard to miss.” You made a mental note to tell Mei that her paint formula was holding up beautifully.

“It’s a little embarrassing. Brushstroke is talented and all, but every mural is a time I couldn’t catch them.”

Maybe it was the wine still buzzing through your system. Maybe it was the thrill of it. Maybe you just wanted to see those beautiful green eyes widen. But you couldn’t help the next words out of your mouth.

“Well you might have an easier time if you ever actually figured my quirk out.”

“Yeah I…” He stopped. Stared. “You…” He stared harder, pulling away slightly as he looked your figure up and down. “You!!!”

“Surprise?” You laughed, and grinned at him. He was always so handsome when he was angry. You weren’t scared at all as he hauled you close.

“Do you have any idea how infuriating you are?”

“Pretty good idea, actually.”

“You’ve been leading me on goose chases for months!”

You grinned “Yes, will be our anniversary soon.”

Izuku groaned as he wrapped his arms around your waste. “You irredeemable brat!”

You would have replied, but in the next second he was fiercely smashing his mouth against yours. The kiss started harsh and desperate. The results of months of teasing and flirting. It gentled as the two of you stood there in the night, soft and sweet and full of affection the two of you had yet to put into words. The thought occurred to you that you’d have to thank Mei later. Your eyes opened as the two of you pulled away for breath. You started giggling almost immediately. Izuku pressed his forehead against yours.

“What’s so funny, darling?”

You smirked. “I never thought we’d have our first kiss while being mooned by Dynamight.”

Izuku groaned loudly before sweeping you up into his arms. You squawked and clung to him.

“That’s it.” He rumbled. “I’m going to spank you when I get you home, you fucking brat.”

“Promise?” you giggled.

You didn’t mind in the least when he shut you up with another kiss.

[dear-ao3]

it was the best of times. it was the worst of times. it was monza 2024. and i know ive said this before, but i don't think you guys are ready for this one.

its september 13, 2024 and here we goddamn go. lets jump into it.

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the race week started ordinarily. and by ordinarily i mean that haas was in fact allowed to leave the netherlands. their payment went through and they were officially free of the russians. and ferrari dropped quite possibly the ugliest race suits for this weekend.

and like. are they the ugliest race suits we've seen? no they are not. but the real crime here is that they didnt give them black fireproofs for underneath them (which they HAVE done before). people were really excited though that this possibly meant an all black livery for the car. the people (well except one person but we will get to that) would be incorrect)

so yeah. all was normal until about wednesday.

what happened on wednesday? well....

a moment of silence please for logan hunter sargeant. the florida man who could. who actually did, until he didnt.

now, i know what you are probably asking. did williams handle this well????

honey. baby. sweetheart. have you perhaps been paying attention????

no they did not

first they posted this

(we will get to the replacement in a minute please hold onto your hats and let me fucking cook)

and then they posted a photo of logan with this caption

which is just. why are we even bothering at this point.

and yes i Know i Try to keep myself unbiased in these but like COME ON WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS WILLIAMS

for context, this was the send off post that duracell, yes like the batteries, posted for logan (duracell is a williams sponsor)

im not even going to elaborate on the differences between these two because they are so upsetting. you have eyes. i implore you to use them.

logan himself also posted a statement on his app. this was later deleted with no explanation.

now we will return back to logan in a bit, but first, yes, he is alive and around. i think the people deduced he was in florida with his girlfriend and he was also golfing. i hope he found a boat and drank a beer and caught a fish.

but we will return to the fall of logan sargeant. for now, who the hell is his replacement?

well that would be franco colapinto.

"saph"

yes?

"didnt you outline all of the possible logan replacements in the last post?"

yes i did

"i dont remember seeing francos name there"

that is because it wasnt

you see. franco was an f2 driver. not only was he an f2 driver, he was in his very first season of f2. and i dont remember where he was in the standings, somewhere near the mid field i think. the whole issue with logan was that williams thought that he was underprepared and not performing well. this was, as we already know, williams's own fault because they only had him do one f1 season before signing him.

so their solution. to having an underprepared driver. was to replace him. mid season. before some of the most intense races of the season. with an even more underprepared. driver.

you cant make this shit up.

yes james vowels did give reasoning, yes it was ass reasoning , as with the rest of it, we will get to it later please be patient

i will say though that mick seemed pretty unbothered that he wasnt signed. thats because he went to texas roadhouse with his girlfriend in texas that very night (he was there for an endurance race, this will become important later)

in the meantime, who is franco besides an f2 driver?

well he was specifically a williams f2 driver. hes 21 and from argentina. he won the 2019 spanish f4 championship. after that, actually, fernando alonso started backing his racing career. hes also now the only driver from south america on the grid (yes checo is from mexico but that is central america (he is still big in south america tho)) and there was a lot of shit being stirred that oh he paid for a seat and people were using that as an excuse to be racist (i hope i dont need to tell you that this is bad.

look. without getting super into all the finer details of this. most people pay for a seat. f1 is a money sport. you have to be a good driver yes but whats also appealing is sponsors because sponsors bring in money and franco has sponsors and williams is lacking in money. now i didnt really research all of this cause im a busy girl but frankly i think the argument is stupid. no team is going to sign a shit driver because thats dumb. and, also things ive discussed before, lance is definitely just at aston cause his dad owns the team, lando's dad also paid for his seat all the way up until f2 and blah blah everyone pays for a seat pretty much some how. its stupid. dont be racist.

anyway.

regardless.

(spelled correctly this time just for you anon who asked me why i spell regardless wrong. its cause i cant fucking spell okay.)

while the circumstances in which franco getting signed were shit and like it doesnt really make sense that he got signed when you remember who the other options were, we dont want him to fail. this is entirely not his fault. or logans fault. its james vowels fault. and we will definitely get to him later.

in the meantime. it is still only wednesday and we have fuck ass pr to get through.

such as!!! grill the grid!!!

this episode was a guess the driver we are describing thing through a series of clues and by Far the most interesting part was at the end when lewis incorrectly guessed nico, as in rosberg, at the clue "doesnt like the media attention" and got it wrong because it was actually kimi raikkonen. lewis instantly turned around (probably in shame) (remember he never talks about nico ever) and ugh. the essays that could be written about brocedes. but alas i shall not. i shall restrain myself and move on to the birthday boys.

we had two birthdays this week. valtteri was first and zhou made him a birthday card.

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it was also carlos's birthday. but later in the week. his birthday was on the day of the race.

oh and this one is stupid but oasis, the band, got back together or something im not entirely sure. but mclaren took this opportunity to make this post:

which is undoubtedly a callback to this incredibly shit rendition of wonderwall that mclaren drivers jenson buttons and sir lewis hamilton (and friends) did back in the day (seriously watch at your own risk here)

and george russell also exposed himself as an oasis fan. worry not this is the least baffling thing that george did this week.

(sorry for the shit screenshot quality, it seems god is out for my ass this week)

and what else did i need to talk about....sorry everyone i usually keep a paper with everything that happens written on it for the week and this week i lost it so were kinda just free balling here and its really biting me in the ass so what the fuck was supposed to go here oh yes will buxton

will buxton is a sky sports (?) presenter (i dont exactly remember which channel hes on but hes here) and his opinions are usually either Hit or Miss or Meme (or a combination) and this week he had some absolute Miss opinions about daniel ricciardo and george russell

“He’s [Oscar Piastri] great. What I like about Oscar is he’s still so new to all of this that he’s not trying to play up to a preconception of who he needs to be. Like George is trying to be this weird Talented Mr Ripley-type person, right? I don’t know what George is…like George is trying to be this thing. Daniel is still trying to play up to being the 24, 25-year-old Daniel and it’s like, mate you’re in your 30s, calm down. Flipping the bird at the bit that he crashed at last year, come on mate. I think so many of them get caught up in who the media thinks they are that they play up to their personalities. Oscar doesn’t have that yet and so you just get this beautiful young freedom of personality. I love that.”

which is. not a great thing to say. especially because theyre supposed to theoretically be unbiased (lol)

alpine workers also are still protesting. and on account of the fact that it is Late im just copy and pasting okay sorry but also not sorry:

"Alpine employees at Renault's Viry-Châtillon will go on strike, with others set to protest the planned decision to forfeit its F1 works team status at the Italian Grand Prix. This follows the shock news from before the summer break that the French squad will opt to be supplied power units from 2026, as opposed to producing its own. This is according to French publication L'Equipe, which has obtained a press release from the employees. "Each group will display a banner with a clear and non-aggressive message, pleading the cause of maintaining a French engine in F1, all will be wearing a white T-shirt with the Alpine logo, the message #ViryOnTrack and a black armband," the statement says. No action will prevent track operations from taking place."

in essence, alpine is going to probably move to mercedes engines still, the employees making the current engines are mad and rightfully so that they are out of a job and now they are protesting. good for them

and now for a little bit of monza lore:

first we will get the serious one out of the way. in 2022 alex albon was diagnosed with appendicitis during the monza weekend (or it was slightly before and he missed the monza weekend?). this is a rather infamous event in f1. most things can be traced back to alex albon's appendix, somehow. i will not get into how cause its complex and we quite simply dont have the time for that. but! all you need to know is that it caused aparently a lot of people to get fired and nyck de vries subbed in for him which directly resulted in him getting an alpha tauri seat the following year only to be replaced mid season by daniel ricciardo. and now nyck i think is back in formula e and slaying.

anyway tho alex albon.

you might remember that carlos also had appendicitis this year and showed up at the paddock the literal next day.

the same was not the case for alex albon.

he very nearly died, actually. i dont Really know what happened Entirely and i dont feel like googling it (its 1:35am) but basically a lot went wrong, he ended up in a coma and on a ventilator and aparently alex's family called george russell (if you recall the two of them are besties) and told george hey yeah so theres a change he might not make it....

alex did though, worked his ass off for a week or two and then somehow managed to get in the car to race in i think the next one was singapore? that year? i dont know okay it was somewhere.

lewis hamilton also showed up to monza in 2015 with very bleached, very fried blonde hair. it was rather insane of him. i dont have room to show a picture of it, but please google it. this was exceptionally funny cause at this point he had spent years making fun of nico rosbergs blonde hair.

aside from That. there is also the fact that we are in monza and it is Italy. and as drive to survive would put it:

one religion is catholicism.

the other is ferrari.

the italians go insane for ferrari. i dont really know how to describe it other than that. they go insane. the last time ferrari won in italy was charles in 2019 and hoooo boy people went off the damn walls. so just. keep that in the back of your mind.

and with that it was suddenly media day. which brought up the great logan sargeant swap once again.

first of all.

as they built the garages, people noticed that logan was still on the second williams garage:

they changed it soon after to franco

but....erm.....

they spelled colapinto wrong.

cmon williams.

please give us something here!

unfortunately they didnt get the memo and continued to give us nothing. because james vowels started speaking on the swap.

he said a lot of things. heres some of the things:

first: "changing logan out mid season is a decision i hoped to never have to make in the team. there is no team principal on the grid that wants to make a change mid season because we are trying our best to invest in every single one of the individuals that are a a part of this team and logan was very much a part of that. its an absolute tough decision for a driver when they are in that circumstance. and its not because he didnt give all of his heart to all of you and everything that he had available to us. its just simply that we are in a circumstance where he has reached the limits of what he can achieve. and we have to now find a pathway forwards from that."

second: "mick (schumacher) isnt special, he would just be good." (this was in response to being asked why they went with franco instead of mick or someone else from mercedes, he said it was because they needed to go with their own guy (remember williams has no reserve drivers they use the mercedes ones because they were customers of mercedes) and they wanted to invest in someone from their own team and not from mercedes.

so. off to a great start here mr vowels.

he did also ask franco if he has an appendix. franco does have an appendix.

anyway. as you can imagine. many people had things to say about this.

first up we have oscar piastri, who was very close friends with logan throughout karting and the junior formula teams where they were briefly teammates. they also notably entered f1 in the same season. oscar has a tendency to tell it like it is and he in fact did just that:

“I sent him a text yesterday, and he seems OK,” Piastri said. “It was a little bit of a shock, obviously it wasn’t an easy time for him in F1. I think it was much more difficult for him than maybe I expected it to be, going into F1. For me, his potential was much greater than what was on show in F1, for whatever reason it might be. “But I know first-hand, being his teammate in the junior categories, racing him in basically everything, I know how quick he is. I don’t think the change was completely unexpected. Quite a bold move to put Franco in, I would say, but best of luck to him. “Just a shame that I think he probably had… For whatever reason he wasn’t able to show everything he’s got, because in the junior categories he was genuinely one of the quickest guys I went up against. So I think his potential is much greater than what some people see.”

alex albon was another driver who came to logans defense.

“I’m kind of focused on my own lane, so obviously more than anything, I know Logan personally. He’s a super guy and things didn’t work out, but I’m sure whatever he gets on and moves on to do, he’s going to be very good. I know the pace he has. “Clearly it was quite a late decision, so I didn’t hear so long before the announcement. Obviously, yes, I did speak with Logan, but I’ll keep that behind closed doors. A great guy, and we got on very well. I think he’s got a bright future ahead of him. And yeah, I feel for him, for sure.”

alex notably had his own f1 contract for the following year pulled out from under him really late in the 2020 season by red bull and was off the grid for a whole year before replacing george russell at williams in 2022 (and mostly i think cause george kind of begged them to get alex on the team but im not totally sure about that), so he has experienced the fuckery of f1 before.

it was also through that that we found out that logan was told on tuesday that he was cut. he was told on tuesday that he wouldn't be at the race on sunday.

we also had toto wolff come to mick schumacher's defense.

toto said in response to james's statement that mick is not special that mick won pretty much everything prior to f1 that there was to win and even said "that was a statement that could have been avoided."

james later tried to apologize for this and somehow made it worse? he said that he was "not here to put mick down" and then went on to say that:

"Mick is in a world championship team who have chosen him as reserve driver. And there's good reason behind it. That is because he's an incredibly strong candidate. And the word special — I use it in the context of multiple world champions like Ayrton Senna fundamentally, Lewis (Hamilton) as well. Clearly that's a foolish thing to do, because that's the comparison. I've apologised to Mick as well. He didn't request anything, but it's important to me, because he's incredibly close to me, and it just came across entirely the wrong way. So more than anything else, I wanted that to be abundantly clear. Don't doubt his abilities, but we as Williams have to go with our Academy. It makes sense what we're doing."

i would like to again remind you all that mick's father is michael schumacher, the 7x world champion. this is essentially a shitty way of james saying that mick has not lived up to the family name (because he was in a shit car when he was in f1). which is. yikes.

now. as we know. mick first of all has driven in f1 before with haas. and yes he didnt do great but that is Not his fault it was because of haas.

if you will for a moment helmut marko. the technical cheif something or other or whatever at red bull (i dont remember his title and im not looking it up) the point though is that. red bull are a team that like to swap people. they are not an easy team to drive for because of all the politics. they are serious and insane and have a history of not treating people The Best (as evidenced earlier this season) so with All Of That in mind, here is what helmut marko had to say about mick:

"he deserves a seat at alpine or audi. he is one of the most polite and friendly people in the paddock, but he also has the disadvantage of carrying a big name. he won f3 and f2, and that made him interesting for formula 1. however at haas he was not treated properly by gunther Steiner."

now. when you have HELMUT MARKO who is usually running his mouth about everything possible to the press, making peoples lives slightly miserable and often has a lot of say in things like who is getting signed or swapped or doing testing or whatever at red bull saying THIS. well damn. its one of those like "awful. the worst person you know just made a good point" things.

and the second thing about mick is that he is, as his name would suggest, a schumacher. so people expected a lot from him and unfortunately he was at a shit team with an even more shit team principal and didnt get to show his potential.

ralf schumacher, micks uncle and michael schumachers brother, has said that he thinks that people would treat mick a little differently if michael was still around and present.

michael schumacher, as i have said before, is not dead. but he hasn't been in public in something like over ten years because he was in a skiing accident and had a traumatic brain injury. so hes not really around to kick james vowels's ass

but. there is someone else who is around to kick james vowels's ass.

and that someone is mrs. corinna schumacher.

micks mother and michaels wife.

now. corinnas been around for awhile. they met in 1991 (which im Pretty Sure is when michael debuted in f1) and got married in 1995. as far as wags go, she was pretty involved as far as i know. and michael called her his "guardian angel" so. do with all of that what you will.

she's also usually seen around with mick at various races throughout the year, both in the f1 paddock when hes doing his reserve duties for merc or in the WEC paddock when hes endurance racing.

so the monza race weekend coincided with the WEC race in texas, usa. but. mrs. corinna schumacher was seen entering the paddock in monza. i cannot express to you enough that she had positively no reason to be in monza. mick was literally on the other side of the world in texas. what the hell was she doing in monza???

well. i will tell you. as that is the whole point of this post.

and turns out that corinna showed up in monza, absolutely slaying, and chewed out james vowels in front of reporters on friday night after qualifying for the "not special" comment.

allow me to break this down one more time because i need you all to understand this with your whole soul.

corinna schumacher flies by herself all the way to italy. her son is racing on a different continent. she misses this race to go lay into james vowels, the williams team principal, who is actually a close family friend of the schumachers (he worked at mercedes for years and michael did race at mercedes for about 3 years and besides f1 is small, you know people), for essentially saying that her son is not as good as his father. and she did this all publicly. in front of reporters. in the middle of the paddock.

and she did it all while absolutely slaying

i have no idea what she said, i wish i did, but i can only imagine it was ruthless.

(mick, btw, did pretty damn well in his WEC race that weekend, he managed to drag the tractor of a car into the points and made up all the positions that his teammates lost, despite getting literally attacked by a wasp in the car during the qualifying session. so take that james vowels)

in any case. lets move on.

george russell decided that he didnt have enough revenge last weekend and decided to show up to the paddock wearing this:

the merc instagram account shit on this, saying that "milan fashion week is next month, george"

and this look became infinitely funnier when sir lewis hamilton was seen later sporting this:

so george was just. roasting his ass off in the name of fashion. mad respect tbh.

george though did wear a fuck ass team shirt later:

for you know. the mercedes amg petrona cr w strik team.

it is very comforting to know that millionaires also lose letters off of their shirts in the wash.

what else happened.

ah louis tomlinson was in the ferrari garage.

in case you dont know who that is, he was one of the five members of one direction. you know the boy band that had a chokehold on the teen girls about 10 years ago, then went on hiatus for like i dont remember how many months and theyre still on hiatus like 10 years later (dont kill me please directioner girlies i know these stats are inaccurate but alas im rusty on my directioner lore and besides this is an f1 post) ferrari also hinted that the two of them should collaborate with music. ferrari are correct.

among the other guests of note in the paddock this week was one kimi raikkonen, ex driver, 2007 world champion and man of complete and utter indifference. he once said that f1 was just a hobby for him. and he was hanging out in the sauber garage with none other than one mattia binotto, the disgraced ex ferrari team principal and quite possibly charles leclerc's mortal enemy.

and thee was another very welcome guest. but we will get there shortly.

oscar traded hats with someone for tim tams and took a bath with some rubber ducks that he names skippy, ice cube, and he didnt name the third one.

and with that. ive decided were moving onto the car part of the weekend because im tired of talking about the drama.

first. monza is the fastest track on the calendar. it also looks like the italian hand meme

its a track that you can overtake on because of all the straights. which means that sometimes this track gets spicy and people who dont usually win here have a shot at winning.

like pierre gasly in 2020 who won after red bull had swapped him down to alpha tauri after a disappointing first half to his 2019 season. this was a very exceptional fuck you to red bull because he managed to win in a fucking alpha tauri in the pre cost cap era so the top cars were decked out as Fuck and the alpha tauri was Not firstly and secondly after horner was like yeah we made the right decision were not swapping him back. his podium pictures are gorgeous from that race too

but anyway. its a fast track. and the track was recently resurfaced, so basically its a little more slippy than usual. and they changed the curbing on some of the track to make the curbs lower and flatter which according to one george russell means that "it's going to offer the opportunity for drivers to cut the corner" and that was a problem because the track (i think it was the track) did not talk to the f1 drivers union (GPDA) before doing this.

why do they need a union? well people are making insane decisions that can and have put their lives at stake. its there for their safety and well-being. george russell is in charge. you dont have to be in it but right now everyone is.

and well. the resurfacing and the curbing became a Problem.

before the practice sessions the safety car was doing a few test laps and managed to crash at the parabolica.

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so already thats. not great.

but cest la vie, racing must go on.

and fp1 happened with none other than kimi antonelli at the wheel of george russel's car.

this was a much anticipated practice session for several reasons

kimis home race (hes italian)

we've never seen him drive an f1 car in a practice session before (hes done tests but not practice sessions)

it was highly speculated that they were announcing that he was getting signed to mercedes this weekend

toto hinted that this was a late birthday gift for kimi (?) (unsure how true this is, i got this fact from my mother and she asked me to include it so i did. hi mom. youre not reading this because you have class and common sense but hello nonetheless.)

in any case. kimi managed one absolute flyer of a lap before this happened:

yeah. not so great.

and the crash, interestingly, happened to be in the same spot as the safety car crash

george was less than pleased

toto though had some....interesting things to say about this

"we have a problem in slowing him down rather than making him faster." which is an odd way to word it, but regardless of that, his telemetry data in two of the corners, lesmo and ascari, he had the fastest time of any of the drivers throughout the session. lets all remember, this is kimi's first practice session, the track conditions were difficult at best, and everyone is expecting him to be the next max verstappen. so all in all, the kid did a pretty good job.

and toto also said about the crash that "he apologized. this is what you need to do when you bring a car back that looks a little bit like a lego box falling on the floor." and all in all it didnt really seem like anyone from mercedes was too pissed about george's car (aside from George's live garage reaction) (if anything this just fueled george's insanity this week)

and lewis hamilton greeted kimi back in the garage with a big hug and what was clearly some praise.

but! there was more!

during fp2 we had another crash! this time it was kevin magnussen he went off in a slightly different part of the track, but he still crashed. he was okay. but it was still. three crashes. a slippery track. and different curbs. an interesting set up going into saturday.

especially because we had the return of a much anticipated commentator to the paddock.

can you guess who????

if you guessed jenson button you would be wrong, he was racing in texas.

but if you guessed nico rosberg! you would be correct!

but first!!! an announcement!!!

now. this was hardly a surprise. at all whatsoever. we all kinda knew this was coming. but toto did say something interesting about it and that was that he knew about five minutes after lewis told him he had signed with ferrari that he was going to sign kimi.

which is very very interesting cause if you will in fact recall, toto spent an insane amount of time trying to get max to come to mercedes. for like several months.

reguardless. (spelled wrong just for you anon!) kimi antonelli is a mercedes racing driver next year, bringing us to a total of three! rookies for next year So Far! the last time we had three newbies on the grid was....well actually it was 2023 with oscar nyck and logan, but given oscar is the only one from that batch still standing the last last time we had three newcomers was in 2019 with the insane trio of george alex and lando.

lewis hamilton was very excited about this. here was what he had to say:

"ive known for ages, so....i knew it would be announced this morning. i definitely work up and it was very, very, very surreal to just have, at least officially confirmed, my seat is going that i held onto for so long."

this also means that there are only two seats left. audi/sauber/whatever you want to call them (nico hulkenberg has said, btw that he wants kevin magnuseen to be his teammate here because they work well together) and the visa cash app racing PayPal venmo racing dancing prancing bulls. (though jack doohan may have accidentally confirmed daniel has a seat in 2025, though we are Unsure) and maybe red bull. whos to really say.

i know who has things to say. and that is nico rosberg.

mr rosberg as usual was doing his standard one practice session with sky, commentary with sky italy and then bashing team principals on the post race show.

and lets just get a quick refresher on the last time nico was in the paddock. we were in hungary, oscar won his first gp after a terrible awful team call from mclaren that compromised oscars race and caused a near repeat of both multi 21 and severe brocedes lore. nico shouted at andrea stella (the mclaren team principal) for not having clear instructions for the drivers and sir lewis Hamilton winked at him in his post race interview.

but this is a new weekend and surely things will be different.....right??????????

idk. lets find out!

so practice 3.

and practice three had relatively little to do with the cars on the track and a whole lot to do with the drama and the speculations. we opened the session with ted speculating that red bull could potentially finish third in the constructors which was "not something that we would have predicted at the beginning of the season" and they were also talking about charles, "the darling of the tifosi" (who knows what the tifosi will do next year when they have ferrari, the italian team, and an italian driver, kimi, who is not at ferrari) and carlos. who was having his "last gp as a ferrari diver, unless something really weird happens."

which, the way this season has been going, i think anything might be possible at this point.

and then, in the middle of a riveting conversation about downforce, crofty said the magic words:

"nico rosberg has ambled his way over to the commentary box to see us"

"its a great pleasure to be here once again," nico said in return, gracing everyone with his geographically ambiguous european accent.

crofty as usual, was ready to provoke nico. "you look so stern saying that though. your eyebrows come together. its lovely to have you here. what do you prefer, less or more downforce?"

"well," nico said with all the grace he could manage when answering a likely stupid question. "you prefer more. just makes it easier to attack. but unfortunately sometimes less can be quicker. most of the time the simulation will be able to tell you. the best way around this trace track, but sometimes when battles come into play or the tires are overheating or things like that the computer can get it a bit wrong and you nd up in the wrong place and thats whey were seen ted spotting our there some people trying different things today."

and just like that, we were incredibly back. and nico of course had more opinions than just the downforce on the cars. notably, he decided to start yapping about aston martin.

"bit confusing that you do such a strong turn around but cant push things further," nico said about aston martin. "so a bit of head scratching there and not looking good at the moment."

and then, of course, he brought up the man of pretty much every hour, and every weekend.

no, not carlos, has already been signed. im talking about adrian newey.

crofty: i think we might hear something about his future next week nico: and what do you think that will be? crofty: no idea nico: yes you do crofty: impossible to say nico: you told me before crofty: well he had been linked heavily to aston matin, hasn't he? do astin martin need adrian newey? nico: everyone needs adrian newey, yes, as a, not like as a daily but like as a big picture consultant and overseeing the teams and major decision making, i think thats where hes absolutely brilliant, problem is that he comes with a substantial cost as well, but it seems aston would be able to afford that at the moment."

so....sounds like nico might have leaked that newey is going to aston. and if theres anyone to believe, its generally him.

a special aston martin guest in the paddock this weekend did post this, hinting at some official news, which i really implore you watch because its inane:

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nico also yapped about the red bull seat situation. in case you need a refresher:

red bull has two teams, red bull racing (the primary team the one that wins things) and visa cash app racing bulls (they dont win things but they exist to prepare drivers for red bull racing)

red bulls number 1 driver is max verstappen, he has a contract through 2028. his teammate, the number 2 driver, checo perez re signed a contract with red bull for next year. this was a surprise for everyone ebcause he had an abysmal end of the season last year and also hasn't been doing too great at all this season. at vcarb, yuki tsunoda was re signed for 2025 and the second seat remains open. daniel ricciardo is currently the other driver at vcarb but is towards the end of his career after a fantastical fall from grace because he used to be a red bull driver along with max verstappen until the end of 2018 when he chose for some ungodly reason to sign with renault now alpine and then left 2 years later for mclaren which was a disaster because mclaren treated him badly and he didnt finish out his contract there and lost his seat for about 6 months until he was called up by red bull to replace nyck devries at vcarb (then alpha tauri) mid season which he did until broke his hand a few races later and himself was replaced by reserve driver liam lawson and then he came back nd there was massive talk about swapping daniel with checo at the end of last season but it never panned out and then there was talk about swapping daniel with checo at the beginning of this season but that never panned out cause daniel wasnt doing too well and then there was talk that daniel was losing his seat altogether but he clearly has not yet.

so anyway, theres massive speculation that even though technically checo is signed at red bull for 2025 they are either swapping him with daniel for next year or they are getting rid of checo altogether and putting daniel in the red bull and signing liam lawson at vcarb.

no, it doesnt make sense. nothing at red bull ever does. but here is what mr rosberg had to say about it:

nico: "the problem is that daniel had been doin better and better as of late" (this is true) "so its...used to be the obvious choice that you had to give liam lawson his time to go, cause its about time and he (liam) deserves a go, but-" crofty: "is liam lawson going to get a go in this car? (the red bull)...could red bull bring in liam lawson at red bull next year...and would that mean that Daniel keeps his seat at rb (vcarb)?" nico: (he said something before this but unfortunately the broadcast cut out but i think that he said he supports daniel getting to keep his seat) "(red bull) are definitely committed to making it work with perez so...."

he dunked on the rumors that ferrari were going to run an all black livery:

"ferrari cant run a black livery in monza." (crofty: well they ran a yellow one) "yeah but, cmon. it needs to be red here"

crofty then went on to say that with the weight saving going on on the cars, it wouldn't have surprised him if the livery was red (carbon fiber weighs less than paint). though i dont know why he would have said this to nico rosberg, who famously stopped putting paint on his helmet to save weight to beat lewis Hamilton.

in case you needed a reminder why we like nico rosberg as a commentator so much (as if you havent seen that already from his yapping) here was him taking us though one of carlos's flying laps:

"okay here we go! so now he's reaching top speed of course, a little over 340 kph, and then he hits the braking point, you know 120 meters, you slam the break and once you slam the brake youre committed, hes made a mistake so he hits that first apex, you gotta hit that in the right place, second apex, and then straight line the car to get the traction down cause its so important to get the traction down to get back onto this long straight with maximum speed and very very smooth now here through this corner, you have to scrub minimum speed off and now youre adjusting the braking balance a little bit forward for the second part cause its a bit different on the braking, again, nailing that braking point, hitting the curb first on the right, all good, and running maximum to the outside and now you have these two lesmos where you do Light braking, Hug the inside and maximum on the power as quickly as possible! here, super short, boom! brake in, its like really like robotic inputs on that corner cause its so like sharp...again here down the straight now and this is so hard to see the braking point here cause you have shadows, you dont see the board very well, so you break at 110, slam the break , carry that speed over that inside curb and then youre dancing the rear across that middle part of the course, that corner of the rear is like stepping out and you need to keep it flat otherwise you loose too much time and then over the curb on that last part. parabolica! super difficult entry, you need to be so committed and then the rear steps out, you can see a little bit of corrections there on the steering wheel and then you need to use maximum amount of track all the way to the outside to really let the car flow and...thats fie tenths of a second behind max verstappen, with a soft (max was on a hard). which is not a good way to start a session."

crofty then said, dunking on carlos: "that lap commentary deserved a way better lap time to come from carlos sainz there, given that you got into monza at 3:30am last night, the energy there nico rosberg is just working us all, thank you very much indeed."

"but i just had a snooze in the commentary booth as you walked in!" nico said.

"i wasnt going to mention that," crofty said.

"did he kick you and wake you up?" karun asked.

"yes," crofty laughed.

naps aside, the shenanigans continued for nico rosberg.

he dunked on red bull for loosing so much ground in the championship (mclaren has the chance to overtake them for first in the constructors championship this weekend, the first time someone other than red bull will have lead the championship since spain 2022) and praised mclarens development, attributing their success to the fact that the mclaren design is like the red bull design and their front wing is really helping them

and if youre wondering if he talked about lewis hamilton? worry not!

the camera cut to lewis absolutely munching on some curbs with his car and crofty and karun speculated about why but nico jumped right in with the answer:

"this is very interesting! so this is lewis trying to see if there is actually a completely different line that one could take through there, which we've never been able to try for the last 25 years, and he said hey, this curb is different lets give it a go, see where we get to"

and this next bit is not related to nico rosberg, but i would like you all to know that ted kravitz came on to tell us all that sauber, essentially, sucks, and then laughed at his own joke.

nico did also praise george russell:

"im very impressed with george russell, who we are just seeing now through this corner thats so difficult...whoa! a big snap on the exit there. very impressive because yesterday he only for like four push laps in total with all different curbs around this track, all different tarmac and everything and now this morning once again hes just completely on it and seems to be on the same level as lewis already, so again i think hes looking very strong on one lap"

this is a great compliment. but as we know, nico rosberg loves to curse people. so this could have also damned george's race. only time will tell.

they talked about kimi antonelli, which nico called a "brave choice" for toto to sign for next year but also the "right choice and the exciting choice because that guy (kimi) as i said, he was in my go karting team and he could easily be the best of the next generation and an f1 great with the talent he has." and he doubted the truth in toto's "i knew five minutes after lewis left that i wanted to sign kimi" statement.

when speculating about future mercedes line ups nico said "i doubt george russell is safe at all. because toto still wants max and he will try again for 2026 because give up does not appear in toto's vocabulary and so then its pretty much if max does become availoble and i do think its a possibility then it is a shoot off between george and kimi next year and its a lot of pressure on george because he has everything to loose next year because he should be the one ahead because kimi is 18 and completely new and in a full pressure situation. so its not an easy situation for george."

this of course, has spiced up, but we will save that for next week :)

when speaking about how young kimi is to be going into a top team (which has been a Hot topic of discussion as we know) nico said that "its extreme (the pressure) its obviously extreme and personally i wouldn't have been able to handle it at 18, that would have been for me personally too early but that doesnt mean that it would have been too early for him (i think nico started in f1 when he was 20). i hope hes a bit stronger mentally than i would have been at the time and that he can get it done and i believe he can."

but. the pies de resistance. the alpine drama. oh it was piping and it was hot and nico rosberg was definitely sharing absolute corporate secrets that he should Not have been

the scene was simple. crofty and ted were discussing the engine plant strike and the underperformance of the alpine engine in general in great detail and nico did give some input, saying that having a mercedes engine in an alpine "makes no sense to me" because it wouldn't work for marketing.

and lets remember the staffing changes. the abundance of staffing changes that have happened at alpine. the team seem to be literally falling apart and crofty said so himself, addressing the rumors that the team is for sale, despite the fact that they have said that they are Not for sale many times:

crofty: back to the rumors that the whole team are up for sale. nico: oh! its in my email :) i have a secondary opportunity in my email to buy part of alpine crofty: do you? nico: yeah, yeah :) karun: you cant just lob that into fp3 commentary! nico: yeah, yeah, yeah crofty: you were just sent an email saying would you like to buy a bit of alpine? nico: yes, yes! karun: are you buying it? nico: no! *everyone laughs* karun: how much? nico: i should have brought the details.... karun: well ints in your email, where's your phone? lets get it out! nico: well even alpine is highly profitable......of course that can all change.....you find this very interesting...? *general uproar from crofty and karun* crofty: ryan reynolds, patrick mahomes, travis kelce and nico rosberg, how many more superstar owners does this team need? you slept walked your way into this one nico: would you like to see the details? crofty: i would love to see the details nico: okay, well, we'll think about it :) crofty: we promise we wont take pictures and post it on social media later. right, while weve been talking about nicos next business opportunity, and as your new defacto business manager, i think you should do it, i really do, alex albon has put in the fastest lap with a 1:20.5........

and they jumped back into racing and max verstappen asking "is this mercedes just on the normal racing line?"

"yes max, fairly standard," his engineer gp said, much to max's general chagrin.

and nico also took an intermission to yap about lewis.

"this is also a lewis track because braking is so difficut in an f1 car you know its so short and there are split second reactions required in braking because youre breaking from 360 down to 80 in the span of, i dont even know how much it is, it must be like one second and all along youre so close to the edge."

and a second intermission to discuss mclaren and how they are on track to basically win the constructor's championship:

"i would have bet my house against that (mclaren winning) at the beginning of the season...well not that i- well actually i do have a house-"

and this led right back into our regularly scheduled programming: the alpine drama, part 2

nico: yeah, its pricy, alpine, uh....you wanna know how much? crofty: yeah! nico: no... i cant say :/ karun: oh. nico: no, im just kidding :D close to a billion crofty, taken aback: close to a billion??? nico: yeah crofty: for the value of the team? nico: yeah well, all of them are. its profitable! crofty: well, Ferrari are gonna be way more than that, mercedes et cetra....how much can you afford of it? nico: i could take the whole thing but i think it would be pushing things a little bit. crofty, laughing: a chance you never thought you'd have

well. you heard it here first. nico rosberg not only confirmed that alpine is for sale, he also told us how much and said that even though he could afford it, its basically a dumpster fire and not worth investing in.

dont you just love having him around?

and since i took about 11 billion years to go through literally everything that nico said during practice, y'all are getting the speed run version of qualifying.

in the second two practice sessions, there was only a tenth and a half separating the top 5. and this is the fastest track of the season and most of the races here have been won from pole, so things were fitting to get funky.

and get funky it did

in q1 the rb (i think) had upgrades but they were not working, yuki said "yeah mate, its so ridiculous, its so difficult to dive, its so ridiculous). lewis's seat was too hot. george was complaining about the tires. oscar had an unsafe release. lando was the only one who managed to break into the 1:19.00 range. k mags and franco both hit the gravel, but managed to not send it into the wall. they broke out some absolutely comical brooms at the end of the session to clean up the gravel as the bottom five (yuki, lance, franco, bottas and guanyu) made their way back to their garages

yea i know this is a bad picture. please deal with it okay.

onwards to q2

which was dealyed on account of the comical brooms

and as i had speculated earlier, yukis car was indeed upgraded, but not daniels i think...? idk my notes aren't very clear on that but i did also take these notes after a 11 hour workday at about midnight so i cant really blame myself here

crofty decided to use this moment to quote oasis: "dont look back in anger, well here we are in anger for the next several runs."

aside from that, there was a tenth and a half separating lando, oscar and max. except for when lewis went faster than all of them. then the ferraris appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, with a car that had real pace, or at least it looked like they did until charles came on the radio and said "car is not turning at all. again."

despite that though, charles made it through.

fernando, daniel, kevin, pierre and esteban were not so lucky.

kevin might have been the most not lucky, as he has not managed to make it to q3 at all this year.

it was q3 and there was a large debate. to slipstream or not to slipstream.

slipstream, for all who are curious, is when a team has one car go just far enough in front of their other car that they kill some of the air drag to make the behind car go slightly faster. and if thats not entirely accurate, well, its pretty much that so.

the issue with slipstream is that you end up kind of sacrificing one car to prioritize the other. and mercedes said that they would not slipstream.

but it was still wide fucking open for pole position. any of the top 4 teams could get it. and red bull was hungry for a pole. they hadn't gotten pole in monza since 2010 with sebastian vettel.

after everyone put in one lap it was very close

we had lando, oscar, george, lewis, carlos, charles, checo, max, nico and alex (yes, alex albon dragged the williams into q3)

and red bull really wanted a slipstream. specifically max wanted a slipstream. so they gave it to him. he has also out qualified checo at the last 32 races, so he very clearly is the number 1 driver.

but red bull was still having a bad time

"it doesnt look like a classic max pole position lap" the announcers said.

and indeed it was not. martin bundle was even affronted watching the lap, as max was sliding around left right and center. "what has happened to that car..." he said.

lando got pole.

he didnt realize it tho.

"im sorry," he said. "my bad."

"well mate," his race engineer, will, said. "your fuck up was good enough for pole"

"oh!" lando said, surprised. "your set up was amazing!"

and just to see how close everyone was, here were the top 10 times:

lando: 1:19.327 oscar: 1:19.436 george: 1:19.440 charles: 1:19.461 carlos: 1:19.467 lewis: 1:19.513 max: 1:20.022 checo: 1:20.062 alex: 1:20.299 nico: 1:20.339

just goes to show you. at monza it comes down to the driver and what the driver can do, not necessarily the car. though the car does help.

and oscar was excited. lando was excited for his fifth career pole, even though it was a bit of a surprise. and he got a fuck ass ring for it.

charles was filled with horrors

but george was excited and thought it was going to be a tight battle. but he told the reporters that he was having a "bit of pizza for some luck to make sure im not too light for tomorrow"

george also got so possessed by his p3 that he decided to be a paddock slut.

now i understand that that may sound offensive to some of you. but im not sure if theres another way to describe this:

and then there was also this that happened at the press conference, which really sent the whole internet into an absolute tizzy because, why the hell does it look like hes wearing a victorias secret bralette???

first off he has No fireproofs on under his race suit. and what lookes like something Red and Mesh on underneath. there is nothing red in the mercedes kit. not even remotely. what the hell george?

as you might have predicted, george did not give us an answer.

but he did crash the mclaren post qualifying interview with lando

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and he invited a random reporter to go get pizza with him? but told him that he had to pay? i cant find that link right now you'll just have to trust me that it happened.

race day came and so did nico rosberg's instagram post:

the caption very simply said "lets go!" so unclear who he is cursing here.

but anyway, the race.

finally we are at the race.

its 9:47 pm on thursday btw. in case anyone cares. ive even writing this for over a week. presently everyone is actually in baku already prepping for the next race thats how behind i am. but best la vie you cant rush art ot at the very least whatever this absolute hell fire of a post is.

lando was on pole. as we know. "the pervious four pole sitters have all failed to win," crofty said. "dont tell lando."

well, lando managed to hold onto pole for once straight out of the gate, at least on turn one. oscar though snapped it up from him at the first chicane and while lando was still recovering fro that, he managed to get passed by charles as well. george, meanwhile, had gotten nudged off the track, ended up in the gravel. comically serpentined through some bollards, and rejoined in 7th.

by lap three, perez, who was running somewhere near george, said "george has a lot of damage, dangerous." it was his front wing that was fucked. the mercedes pit wall disagreed and said that "wing is running as it should and george is doing well"

there was also discussion of the mclaren team orders. and the fact that they were nonexistent.

"team orders?" crofty asked loudly. "what team orders? they were racing off the line!"

and it became clear throughout the race that mclaren had absolutely no team orders. they had something else that was far worse. but we will get there.

but enough of that. daniel caused a collision on lap 1 with nico hulkenberg and they kicked up a hell of a lot of dust. nico had to pit for a new front wing.

meanwhile, alex albon was somehow holding onto ninth.

and yuki tsunoda retired on lap 7 from damaged caused by nico hulkenberg.

he made a charles leclerc esque instagram post about this later, that said: "monza maybe one day you will love me back" (a la that one charles post from several years about mono where he said "monaco maybe one day you will love me back"

meanwhile, mclaren revealed their team orders. are you ready for it. i dont think youre ready for it.

PAPAYA RULES:

dont make life hard for eachother!

dont run into eachother

play nice!

have fun!

quite literally. i am not making this up. i wish it was! as many people pointed out, it sounds like some silly summer camp rules.

but alas. we have papaya rules.

imagine if ferrari was like horse rules! or red bull was like energy drink rules! or ..... fuck what else is there.... vcarb was like cash app rules! you need to pay your teammate back!

this is stupid

anyway, the race.

daniel got a 5s penalty for causing a collision. nico got a 10s penalty for causing a collision.

down at mercedes, they decided on lap 11 that george did in fact have front wing damage and boxed him for a new one, he came out in 16th

looks like someone got rosberg cursed!

"the tire whisperer will have to do it again!" commentary said, about george being able to pull off a one stop. "and hes had extra pizza this time."

on lap 14 lando was finally in spitting distance of charles, but he was told to back off and was pitted on lap 15 to undercut charles. and probably also oscar but no one knows because theres no real mclaren team orders.

oh. you might be wondering why the team orders matter so much.

well, lets take a brief intermission to look at the current drivers championship standings:

max: 295 lando: 225 charles: 192 oscar: 179

so lando's a very solid 70 points behind max. is that close? not really but its closer than anyones been to max in 2 years and he Can still win it. oscar is over 100 points behind, statistically he still can win it but its less likely. so mclaren Should be putting their money on lando to win the championship and having oscar help lando protect this. bit instead, for some reason, we have papaya rules.

(a disclaimer that i think this is hilarious, i support lando and oscars rights and wrongs but this is not about my opinion, its about the facts.)

and right now the next fact is that carlos decided to dunk on everyone (mostly lando and oscar) for pitting early, saying that "these guys will struggle to the end"

charles, who had pitted right after lando on lap 16, though was not so smug. "what was that?" he demanded. "why did we pit if we are undercut?"

once again, welcome back terrible ferrari strategy.

daniel got another penalty for failing to correctly serve his first penalty. because one of his mechanics thouched his car when he was supposed to be serving his penalty. he was really taking after kevin magnussen here.

meanwhile george had managed to get up to 11th

red bull had not pitted yet, pretty much all of the other top teams had. and this was not great for red bull because they were having a lot of tire wear and they needed to go much longer cause they started the race on hards. to go longer and get a 1 stop.

while red bull was sorting that out, mclaren was trying to decide if lando needed to protect oscars lead against the ferrari's. but then lando took fastest lap so the decision was kind of made for them. lando would not be protecting anything.

max then pitted for hards, which meant that he was on a two stop strategy, he came out 8th. and pierre caused a collision with kevin magnussen

lando's radio crackled to life. "you are allowed to race oscar, papaya rules."

this is a real sports team. thats worth billions of dollars.

with summer camp rules.

what the hell is this sport.

now might be a good time to remind you all that we have not had a safety car since canada. that was like. a long time ago.

george had gotten up to 8th, alex was in 11th and somewhere in there kevin magnussen managed to get a penalty for causing a collision.

things started to get interesting here because if mclaren and red bull could hold their positions to the end of the race, they would be perfectly tied in points in the constructors. mclaren were only 30 points behind red bull.

and our top three right now were oscar, and lando was 2.5s behind him and charles was 2.038 behind lando.

but franco managed to overtake pierre for 15th on lap 30, which i think was his first f1 overtake. pretty good when you remember hes only done 8 laps in an f1 car before this weekend.

but never mind that. lando was starting to struggle. and then he made a mistake on lap 32. and charles was on his ass.

meanwhile. george was trying to pass checo. he tried first and then went off, so he gave the position back. then he started to race checo again, which is allowed.

checo though was Not having it.

"what is he doing! he gave me the position and then he races me?" checo asked.

"yeah," crofty said, exasperated. "but he didnt pass you checo."

lando boxed. "i dont know why im killing my front left so much" he said.

george boxed to undercut red bull. and alex albon was doing well, but accusing williams of being indecisive again. no surprise there.

lando was somehwere behind max (i think) and max said over the radio, in all his polite cat glory: "when its possible, do you want me to race him?"

"yes please yes," gp said.

oscar pitted because it was very obvious that he couldnt one stop. he came pit 3rd. this left the grid in this order on lap 40:

lec sai pia ver nor ham mag rus per alb ric col alo oco zho str gas bot hul

and

hold on wait a Fucking Minute

where is the last page of my fucking NOTES

where the fuck did they go

i cant leave you all hanging like this

where the fuck are my notes

who took them

where did they GO

theres like 20 laps left where did my notes go

ok well this is unprecedented. i suppose we plow along.

just like charles leclerc did! when he managed to win the race! wooooo!!!!!! he won on a one-stop and were just going to ignore the last 20 laps because nothing interesting happened there anyway probably idk i dont remember!

he won in monaco! he wins in monza! charles leclerc wins the italian gp!

(unfortunately all of my notes on what he said in the car after winning is on my missing notes paper, but there were a lot of mama mias and a lot of screaming and a lot of passionate italian)

and since i dont have those notes, please take instead julien febreu's commentary on the last lap:

"Ferrari is leading. Ferrai prevailed 19 times in the past here, why not a 20th time today? It would be a second success for Charles Leclerc here on Italian soil. Incredible resistance, what a beautiful bet. Those tyres are almost coming back to life, they’re almost clean now. Ferrari was really exemplary today in terms of strategy. We’re going to vibrate here in Monza, we’re going to vibrate everywhere in Italy, in Maranello of course. The priest is already at the foot of the bell tower, ready to tug on the string of the bells to ring out that charismatic, so very emblematic sound, that of the victories of the Scuderia Ferrari, one that Charles is about to seize in an instant. There’s still the Parabolica to pass through for one last time and then that final acceleration which freed so many drivers in the past. There it is, the victory of the Scuderia Ferrari. Listen to the Temple in trance, Charles Leclerc wins, Ferrari wins today in Monza. […] Piastri ahead of Norris but ahead of everyone Charles Leclerc, the victory of the Scuderia Ferrari today here. This is Ferrari’s 246th victory. Carlos Sainz salutes Charles of course, he’ll leave the Scuderia at the end of the year, he contributed, in his own way of course and with his driving, to Charles Leclerc’s victory, Prince of Monaco, Emperor of Monza today."

nico rosberg did the post race interviews because of course he did. him in his powder blue suit.

charles started speaking in italian part way through cuase he was so overwhelmed and nico had to translate for him.

and really, the biggest takeaway here is that wathing charles win something in italy rally makes understand why medieval peasants flocked to the church. this man could start a cult if he wanted to.

and just in case you didnt know how crazy the vibes were, how insane all of italy goes for charles leclerc:

he even got to celebrate with leo!

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leo 500% did not understand what was happening, but he did manage to kiss both charles and alex (charles's girlfriend) at the same time

"dreams do repeat themselves!" charles said dramatically, several times, with life and hope in his eyes. because he won here in 2019 and it was an insane moment. and now hes done it again!

pierre, his bestie, came up to him at some point after and said, in french, "content per toi ma poule" which loosely translates to, im proud of you my chick/chicken but can also mean dear. and charles looked up with a big huge smile and eas like yeah thats what he calls me.

with this victory, charles is now the fourth person to win multiple races this year.

but lets hear from some others. like alex albon, who finished in the points:

"tough one," he said. "a strange race. had the jaws music from fernando behind. i used all my experience to save the front left tire and he (franco) did well"

franco finished in 12th. alex finished in 10th and fernando finished between the in 11th.

fernando later said that if he knew franco was the one behind him, he would have left him past so he could finish higher during his first race.

franco himself was pretty pleased. "it was challenging," he said. "most laps ive done before in a row was 8." he also said that he got a call on monday (MONDAY!) about f1! but that "williams has been very supportive"

there was one driver who was not pleased and it was max verstappen:

"i was really frustrates throughout the race," he said. "bad pit stop, strategy could have been better" and he had an engine issue. "before baku we have a lot of work to do and need to change the whole car."

and. we've talked about it before. but kevin magnussen. our favorite war criminal. well.

he managed to get two more penalty points from his minor scrap with pierre gasly, putting him to 12. meaning that he gets a race ban. meaning that he wouldn't get to race in baku. meaning someone else needs to sub in for him. (ollie bearman????)

he shit on this on instagram. with this caption:

"Good stuff: One point in Monza. Bad stuff: Race ban in Baku. See you in Singapore 🇮🇹 ⏩ 🇸🇬"

now you might be wondering about mclaren. what happened with their papa rules?

well. lando finished in third and oscar finished in second. both of them were slightly disappointed. lando said that he could take the positives but "cant be happy with a third starting from pole, pretty crappy day from my end" he also looked about on the verge of a crisis in the cooldown room.

meanwhile oscar said that its "very hard not to be disappointed." and "stroll was driving like he was in his first gokart race."

and mclaren finished still slightly behind red bull in the constructors points, mclaren now have 438 to red bulls 446. and lando managed to close the gap to max a little. he has 241 points and max has 303. max and lando are now both tied for number of podiums as well.

but its very clear that mclaren are bongling it. the still refuse to designate a number 1 driver, with zak brown even saying to NICO ROSBERG OF ALL PEOPLE "just like you and hamilton!" which is an Insane thing to say. but especially to nico rosberg.

anyway. two people had absolute Opinions about McLaren's lack of team orders. and one was will buxton:

(this is highly worth watching, he explains it really really well)

and the other, unsurprisingly, was nico rosberg

lets remember the last time nico rosberg was here mclaren was having an absolutely terrible time with team orders in Hungary. and not much has improved. nico also said in other interviews that “you need all the points you need and Oscar got between you”

(of course nico also gushed about lewis, calling his laps phenomenal, and calling him old and calling him the goat, but that is all fork found in kitchen, we want the Drama, and by god we got it)

so thus closes out another weekend. im sorry the end was mid, i cant believe a whole page of my notes just evaporated into the mist like that. its very upsetting. ill do better next time, i swear!

only 8 more races to go! what will happen! whos to say! i dont know!

see you in Azerbaijan!!

Sorry i tried to scroll past but, i know nothing about f1 other than max verstappen is fast, my dad doesnt like lewis hamilton, fast car goes in a loop and sometimes expodes. Could you give me a crash course in f1 drama? Im very intrigued. Whats the tea as it were?

a terribly loaded question, but i will do my best. i’ve talked about some of the drama before like the red bull second seat and the chronicles of haas but allow me to briefly try my hand at explaining the nightmare that is the upcoming silly season

under the cut we go

silly season is when the drivers go through contract renewals, extensions and switches. usually it’s confined to the first half of the season (march-july) but it has been known to extend all the way to the last race of the season and they like to switch people around at random sometimes. driver contracts are complex, there’s a lot of money involved and basically You Are The Face Of The Team so if you have a shit season then you make the team look bad. but at the same time you could have a shit season because you have a shit car. it’s sticky stuff.

so. there are only twenty seats in formula 1. 10 teams. each team gets two drivers. (there’s also reserve drivers but we’re not going to get into that). who ends up with a contract is largely up to the teams, they can pull the contract out from under people they can also cut you mid season. they’ve done it before.

of the 20 drivers on the grid, 14 of them have contracts expiring at the end of the year. yes. 14. you see how this could get complicated.

so let’s meet the teams.

red bull racing. they came first this year (and last year) in the championship. like aggressively first. like they won the championship by over 350 points. they are definitely the team to beat. but if you end up with a seat at red bull, you do have to deal with max verstappen being your teammate and he won all but three of the races last year. he’s the golden boy. red bull are also notoriously silly when it comes to contracts and famously swap people mid season who aren’t performing.

mercedes. merc is home to 7 time world champion lewis hamilton and they have won the championship a great many times, though not since 2021. they are kind of in their flop arc and their car the last 2 years has been pretty garbage, but they have still made it work because they were able to come in second last year.

ferrari. god help the poor little meow meows with a ferrari contract. ferrari is a notoriously great team and they’re trying to get back to the top again but their strategy every single time has fallen short. to the point where their drivers are the ones doing the strategy in their cars while driving. they came in third last year and have been decently consistent at getting first in qualifying and then getting beat by max verstappen on race day.

mclaren. they’ve definitely worked their way up over recent years. they ended fourth last year and have had some championship wins before but not nearly as many as say merc and ferrari. their team ceo (owner? director?) is a little interesting and their car started out a pile of flaming hot garbage at the beginning of the year but they did manage to get their shit together.

aston martin. they are owned by canadian billionaire lawrence stroll, father of lance stroll (one of the drivers for the team). they’ve undergone several name changes over the recent years (force india, racing point, etc). they positively slayed at the start of the season and then one day they sucked. they finished fifth in the championship.

alpine. the frenchest french team. they’re (i think?) still partially owned by the french government. both of their drivers are french. (their drivers also hate eachother but we’ll get to that. just know they’re in the middle of a modern french civil war). they had the opportunity to have a good rookie driver (oscar piastri) this past year but in a thrilling twitter battle, he publically flamed the shit out of them and went to mclaren instead (and slayed). they're usually solidly middle of the pack. they ended sixth in the championship.

williams. williams has been one of the back of the grid teams for the last many years but they have finally started to get their shit together and don’t quite suck as much as they used to. all of the points this year were scored by only one driver though (except one but we’ll get there). they came in seventh.

alpha tauri. they are the sister team of red bull. so technically redbull owns both teams (meaning they can swap drivers between teams. they like doing this.) they’ve just kind of been There for awhile but they did slay towards the end of the season when one of their drivers led the race for several laps. basically tho, this team is the gateway to redbull. they came in eighth.

alpha romeo. recently renamed to stake f1 team (but sometimes they are going to be called kick sauber. this is a whole other drama post and i’m not getting into it). they’re also just kind of there. generally unproblematic. seems that really great drivers who get ixed out of a contract for a younger driver end up here or young drivers who are in their early years are here before they go to a better team. they ended ninth this year.

haas. oh haas. goofy team. they suck. point blank they suck. they keep loosing sponsors because they suck, they don’t win ever (one time they came first in qualifying last year). they cursed themselves in australia in 2018 by not tightening their tires and its been downhill ever since. they came 10th. their team principle got let go (fired?) who’s to say today.

so those are the teams. it is important to note that:

-there is a cost cap. each team is allowed to spend no more than 135m per year.

-not all cars are equal. some things are standard. they all undergo the same testing. but the cars are all very different. so you can be a good driver but stuck in a shitty car. which makes it impressive if you are doing well in a shitty car.

let’s meet our drivers!!!

starting with the guys who’s contract is not ending in 2024:

max verstappen. 3 time world champion. 26 years old. general beast on the track. he dominated the whole season. he’s currently racing for red bull and has a contract with them through 2028.

lewis hamilton. 7 time world champion. 39 years old. he drives for mercedes. he will not leave mercedes until he retires. he really really wants to win an 8th world championship and is willing to stick it out a few more years as long as merc still believes in him. his contract expires in 2025.

george russell. the other merc driver. 26 years old. hes aggressively british and says thinks like blimey unironically. walking meme. got his merc seat in 2022 right when they entered their flop arc by getting his tractor of a williams to finish second in qualifying in the middle of a rainstorm. his contract expires in 2025.

lando norris. mclaren driver. 24 years old. he has notably never won a race in his five years of formula one (mostly because right when his car finally was good enough max verstappen was 20 seconds ahead of anyone) but he is regarded as Very Good. he has only ever driven for mclaren. and even though there is another year left on his contract there is mass speculation that he will not renew his contract with mclaren after it expires and he may move up to one of the top teams (red bull, merc, ferrari) (tho i think he doesnt hate himself quite enough to go to ferrari). his contract expires in 2025.

oscar piastri. the other mclaren driver. 22 years old. this was his rookie season and he positively slayed. like people compared his rookie season to lewis hamiltons rookie season. he also had the positively funniest start to his rookie year because alpine announced that he would be driving for them (he had been their reserve driver and in the alpine academy) and he posted a tweet that basically said yeah thats false i never singed anything with you and im going to race with mclaren instead (he dodged a bullet) and then alpine tried and failed to sue him for $4m USD. he signed a contract extension with mclaren this year and his contract expires in 2026.

lance stroll. aston martin driver and son of the aston martin owner. hes doing ok, tho there was conspiracy that he wanted to quit and have a tennis career awhile ago. but basically since his dad owns the team it seems that hes guaranteed a seat for as long as he wants one.

so now. moving onto the good shit. the people who have contracts expiring in 2024. hold onto your hats people.

charles leclerc. (everyones favorite slutty little soup can). 26 years old. he is currently at ferrari and he has been since 2019. notably, he was given the longest contract in the history of ferrari after a stellar rookie season at sauber (renamed to alpha romeo, renamed to stake f1) where he got the tractor of a car consistently into the points. having the longest contract in the history of ferrari was a flex at the time, but now its likely how he will introduce himself at therapy sessions. ferrari have fucked this man left right and center up the ass with a plastic lunchroom spork. hes talented, he can drive, and he can drive well. but the strategy that ferrari has absolutely sucks. either something is wrong with the car (see him blowing out his gear box on the formation lap in monaco, his car completely crapping out and spinning into the barrier in brazil before the race even started) or they fuck up his pit stops or put him on the wrong tires and honestly its just frustrating. but will he leave??? likely not. you'd have to pry ferrari out of his cold dead hands and at this rate that might be where this is headed though there has been some minor speculation of him going to another team like merc or red bull, but merc doesnt have any open seats and red bull is a whole other dumpster fire of drama. ferrari are going to have to pay him a boatload of money to make him stay.

carlos sainz. the smooth operator. 29 years old. ferrari driver. previously carlos was at toro rosso (renamed to alpha tauri), renault (renamed to alpine), and mclaren before signing with ferrari. he has been at ferrari since 2021 and has voiced that he would like to stay with them for however long he can. there is speculation that lando might replace him at ferrari (but landos contract is not up until 2025) and there is also some speculation that alex albon might replace him. while charles is clearly the golden boy at ferrari, carlos is slightly slower but also definitely consistent. he was THE ONLY non red bull driver to win a race this past year, in Singapore after max verstappedn was knocked out of qualifying by alpha tauri reserve driver liam lawson (more on him later) and because he basically came up with his own strategy in the car while he was driving.

sergio perez. aka checo. red bull driver. 33 years old. and oh boy here's where we open the can of worms. checo was previously at racing point (renamed aston martin) and it was very near the end of the 2020 (?) season and he was out of a contract. he had a bonkers race where he was knocked to the back of the grid and then overtook everyone and somehow ended up winning (there is more to that story but just trust me) and christian horner, red bull team principle, mr ginger spice and definite disney villain called him and said congrats sir you have a seat at red bull! well. fast forward. hes been causing problems. problems as in crashing a lot, generally not doing great and pissing the crap out of red bull. it is basically guaranteed at this point that he will not be getting a contract extension. there was actually talk this year of him losing his seat mid season to one of the alpha tauri drivers, because remember, red bull owns both teams and they can switch them whenever they want to (and they have!) but ultimately this did not happen. even though checo has a seat at red bull until the end of 2024, its mass speculated that he is going to get switched with an alpha tauri driver, probably daniel ricciardo (more on him shortly) mid season because there is a speculated clause in daniels contract that says that if checo isn't performing well in the first few races daniel is getting his seat.

daniel ricciardo. 34 years old. alpha tauri driver. man oh man what a guy. outside of being the prankster of the paddock, he has one of the most batshit careers of anyone currently on the grid. he started out at red bull and was showing real talent and skill and was on track to win things (and was!) and was there until the end of 2018 when max verstappen (his teammate) started getting preferential treatment and also red bull started having a lot of problems with their engines (which were being outsourced from Renault (now alpine) and another team on the grid) and well very very long story short he made the surprise move of the century and decided to sign with Renault (which makes no sense they're the one with the engine problems) and was there for 2 years before moving again to mclaren where he was reportedly not treated very well and had a hard time driving the car so they mutually ended his contract with them early and he basically retired at the end of the 2022 season and became a red bull reserve driver. then halfway through the 2023 season alpha tauri ixed one of their drivers, nyck de vries, because he wasnt doing well and promoted daniel back up to a full time driver at alpha tauri (which we know is only a step down from red bull) but then he broke his hand in a crash in zanvort (?) and then he was replaced for a few races by formula 2 driver liam lawson (who we will also talk about) and then he came back to finish out the season in alpha tauri after he was cleared. daniel has admitted openly that he never should have left red bull and he was given bad advice to do so. hes towards the end of his career at this point and its well known that he Really Really wants to finish out his career at red bull again. he and max have already been teammates before and they do work well together and daniel is great driver (see his comeback in texas (or maybe it was brazil?) this year). so. Pretty Sure that daniels going to get either an extension at alpha tauri or go up to red bull. thats what we all want. get this man in a red bull we need him there biblically.

liam lawson. now technically liam is not actually a formula 1 driver. hes a formula 2 driver, but he was daniels replacement for five races and there has been some speculation and some confirmed news about him so hes getting included. when he was racing for f1 he was at alpha tauri. hes 21 and looks like he belongs in the movie grease. no one was expecting him to slay in formula 1 and he positively knocked everyones socks off. the scene: Singapore. which, if you'll recall, is the one race that a not red bull driver won. this was largely because liam lawson slayed the absolute game in qualifying. the qualifying part of racing determines what order the cars start in on the grid for the race and theres three parts, the first two parts the bottom 5 drivers each time get knocked out and then the top 10 complete for the last 10 spots. liam lawson knocked BOTH max verstappen and checo perez out of qualifying in the second round by going very slightly faster than them, effectively fucking up red bulls race and allowing carlos to win. and he also scored points in that race, which no one was expecting. now thats all fine and dandy, but here's the speculation: hemlut marko (im pretty sure) (who is somehow decently involved in the decision making at red bull though i couldn't tell you how) said that he thinks that liam lawson will be in an f1 seat no later than 2025. meaning that he will probably get offered a contract this year. and hes already raced for alpha tauri. red bull have sunk a good amount of money into him. they clearly want him. so if he gets offered an alpha tauri seat in 2025, that means theres a good chance danny rics is going to red bull. do you SEE how the plot here is THICKENED

yuki tsunoda. age 23. currently at alpha tauri. and fun fact, the only alpha tauri driver to race there the whole year. he had three separate team mates. he is slaying and hes often slept on. he has a bit of a temper and likes to shout on the radio and also hates working out (they had to force him to move to italy or something to work out, long story) but hes been kinda killing it. he led several laps in the abu dhabi race this year and hes decently consistent. people think theres possibility that he could get moved up to red bull on account of the fact that he is younger than daniel and clearly has more years in him,, but there is also possibility that he might not because red bull like to make stupid decisions. and if he doesnt get moved up to rebel, will he stay with alpha tauri? we don't know.

alex albon. age 27. currently a williams driver. alex albon is another one with a batshit career. he started out his rookie year in 2019 at alpha tauri then got moved up to red bull halfway through the year when red bull decided that pierre gasley wasnt doing a good enough job (more on him later) and stayed with red bull for a solid year and a half until he lost his seat in 2021 to checo. he has been with williams for the last two years and is basically carrying the team. like. williams as a team scored 28 points this year. and alex albon scored 27 of those 28 points. and as we know, williams is still kind of in their shit arc (though they are doing much better. they didnt score any points for a solid 2 (?) years. so this is an improvement.) and if you can get a shit car to perform you catch the eye of bigger teams. now, alex has already been a red bull driver. and he was on the cusp of podiuming two separate times when lewis hamilton ran into him. this (among a few other things) basically killed his chances at getting resigned at red bull because he wasnt ""performing"" and red bull are bitches who love to win. but some people think that red bull should give him another shot. like daniel, hes already been max's teammate and he can definitely drive. but theres also talk he might go to ferrari because ferrari think that he might compliment charles's driving style (or something). but going to ferrari at this point is kind of suicide. so.

logan sergeant. age 23. the only american on the grid. the other williams driver. he just finished his rookie year. he scored a grand total of one single point this season, in texas, and it was because charles leclerc and lewis hamilton both got disqualified because the floor of their car had more wear (by literally less than millimeters) than it was allowed to, bumping him up from 12th to 10th. he has never done better than alex albon. he was also the very last driver to get a contract for 2024, with williams waiting until i think december of 2023 to announce his contract extension. clearly, hes on thin ice. but people have also said that he needs time to get used to formula 1 (other people have pointed out that oscar piastri slayed his rookie season this year and this statement about needing time is largely false). where logan ends up next year though will largely depend on how well the 2024 season goes for him.

fernando alonso. 42 years old. many people like to point out that oscar piastri is actually younger than fernando's racing career. he won tiktok creator of the year (somehow) and is also a 2 time world champion. he retired a few years ago, just to show back up again and slay. during the first half of the season when aston martin had a zoom zoom car he killed it, and then they had problems on top of problems and he didnt do well. except for that one race in brazil where he came in third, beating checo by literally .05 seconds. he hasn't really made any hints about retiring a second time and he is kind of carrying aston Martin right now (he scored 205 points this season, coming in 4th and tying in points with charles leclerc, lance stroll only scored 74 points this year.) and they did have their best year yet this year. (though they are relatively new).

pierre gasley. 27 years old. french. drives for alpine. the french team. previously he raced with toro rosso (now alpha tauri), then got promoted to a red bull driver in 2019, then halfway through the season they decided he wasnt doing a good enough job and he got demoted back down to alpha tauri. then he won a race with alpha tauri just to stick it to red bull. after the great oscar piastri contract twitter war, he was signed as alpines second driver, with Esteban ocon being the other driver (more on him soon). estie bestie and pierre (both french) were childhood friends and now hate each other for unknown reasons and basically feuded on the track for most of the season. french civil war at alpine. he scored 62 points in 2023 and came in 11th. not really sure where he will end up, it is possible that he will stick it out at alpine.

esteban ocon. 27 years old. also french. currently driving for alpine. another one with a silly bonkers career. he started out at force india and had a baller few seasons there but his teammate at the time was checo, and checo didnt really cooperate with him too much and caused some drama that cost estie bestie some places and some points. max verstappen also beat him up in the garage once. thats not really relevant but it did happen. anyway, after the owner of force india was arrested for .... i don't remember what maybe it was embezzlement or bankruptcy or something money related, the team was backed by lawrence stroll and became racing point. but all of that happened mid season and lawrence was basically like look ill back you guys for now but next year my son gets a seat (lance) so one of you two (checo and estie bestie) have to go. and ultimately they let estie bestie go even though he was more consistent because checo had more sponsors and they needed money. so he was out of formula 1 for a few years (but was a merc reserve driver) and then went to Renault, which then became alpine. he did come in 12th though overall this season, just behind pierre. so. will alpine keep both him and pierre and keep the civil war going? whos to say.

nico hulkenberg. 36 years old. haas driver. in his 200+ f1 races he has never been on the podium and he really really wants to be on the podium. unfortunately this will never happen in a haas because haas fucking sucks. and everyone knows it. he is getting towards the end of his career though. though! stake f1 will become the mario Andretti and audi team in 2026 (don't question it) and they have supposedly voiced interest in nico. so we will see if he hangs on that long to end up at audi. for now tough, hes definitely hating it at haas. though, haas are going to have a different team principle next year so maybe that will change things. i have a sneaky feeling through that haas will probably end up with another 2 rookie drivers because everyone else is smart enough to not race for them.

kevin magnussen. 31 years old. haas driver. hes another deeply interesting character. he has had one podium. in his rookie season. in his first race. and none since. kevin started at haas in 2017 and then left at then end of 2020 when he basically got kicked off because the team needed money and they wanted to bring in drivers with more sponsorships. these drivers were mick schumacher and nikita mazepin. so kevin basically was forced to retire after the 2020 season. this went decently well for haas. until russia invaded ukraine right before the start of the 2022 season and, well, nikita was Russian and it was never distinctly proven that his dads company (who was sponsoring the team) wasnt also funding the invasion. so nikita got fired and they were literally like 2 weeks out from the start of the season, down a driver. who are you gonna call? kevin magnussen! and hes been back ever since. but hes clearly getting annoyed with haas. there was one great clip from this year where his car caught on fire and he kind of just stared into to, clearly hoping it would burn for a long time. so the likelihood of him extending his contract is looking slim.

valtteri bottas. 34 years old. currently a driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo, kick sauber, whatever you wanna call it). previously, he was a mercedes driver and notoriously helped lewis hamilton win a great many championships, until he lost his seat to george russell in 2022. there was a rather awkward part of the 2021 season where valtteri knew that he was out of a merc seat the following year and kind of just chose violence. he slayed. then he went to alpha romeo, grew a mullet and made a calendar of his ass. quite the glow up if you ask me. hes also very interested in cycling. honestly though, i have my own personal speculation that hes going to retire at the end of this year.

zhou guanyu. 24 years old. driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo/kick sauber, etc etc). hes doing alright. he just finished his second season, in his first season he was majorly out qualified by valtteri but this past season he managed to out qualify him a good 6 times. which is decently good for the tractor of a car hes driving. its possible that he could get a contract extension, but like logan, its probably going to depend on how the 2024 season goes for him.

and thats all the drivers. theres also a few others i didnt talk about, like some other f2 drivers who want seats and mick schumacher, who is currently a merc reserve driver, all of which could be contenders for f1 seats. but one things for sure. this is going to be the silliest fucking silly season.

feel free to add on and peer review me