#the “why we cant break up” one is cope tho

[texassbian]

something new is always happening between these two

[tyran-the-tyranical]

Hope Dream Theory Pt.2 (Just a rant tbh)

Ok, so I’ve been racking my brain thinking about the NOT CANON taming hope part 3, I’ve never been so happy to be wrong, but now I cant stop hypothesising what’s real and what’s not.

Look I understand it’s non canon but the building blocks of what it’s saying to the player is already in game, you can still kind of assume that maybe Hope wasn’t being physically tortured but just mentally, and as a result believes it 100% in her head that she looks awful ect etc. and that means it is real, or was, because its what she genuinely believes.

But, If Hope wasn’t tortured physically, what else is real? Did Raphael really kill a kid and some family in front of her? And what about the boudoir? Dream theory could explain a kid dying and a family in that they were possibly just nightmares but if it was specifically Raphael doing the deed, it seems less likely, that goes for the boudoir as well, it’s too specific to be a random nightmare. (Look, dream theory can only go so far lol)

A few people did bring up that whether is was physical torture or not, Hope believes it was 100% real so, it basically became real anyway. The only thing it really does is make Raphael or korilla feel better about what they’re doing. (I want you all to realise that I am coping so bad rn, the cope is real) I understand that if taming Hope part 3 is ever actually implemented in game it may soften Raphael’s character a lot, that is if you believe that everything he did to her wasn’t physical but mental, it’s easier to swallow, though still deplorable.

It’s my personal headcanon anyway, and look, the guy is never gonna be good but anyway to soften him up is great, I mean if his half brother Magadon can do it, so can he alright (sorta). Though I do feel like this explains alot, since Hope honestly feels like she only exists to give the player a reason to want to kill Raphael, otherwise he’s just too charming and no one would bother to kill him.

It will annoy me endlessly that there isn’t more in game information, I appreciate vagueness as it leaves room for theories but I’m dying for answers Larian 😭 because right now I’m going crazy over an entry that isn’t even in the game, just the files AHDKSJSKS LIKE- Look I would love a way to have my cake and eat it too, free my girl Hope but like, NOT KILL THE DEVIL BOY, that would be great, cause tho she’s hella under cooked and under utilised they made her too bubbly and likeable, that or I’m just weak.

This is turning into less of a new development to the theory and more of a rant lol, and though I would like an answer, I also think I would die if it’s just he is super evil like his dad and did all those things to hope, because some of the things that’s been said that he’s done to hope feels way too much like edgy evil things just to be evil (like his father has done, tho I know he hates him but still ends up being like him lol) one reason I like Raphael so much is that he’s nuanced and honest to the player (also why I have beef with how strict the DnD alignment system can be) he isn’t like Mizora that comes across as your typical devil, Raphael (purposefully) is different and yea that’s sort of his manipulation, it’s still refreshing to see, but I guess oh woe is I.

Like for instance, the boudoir dialogue that Hope hints at- WHAT DOES SHE MEAN, because yes, I think we can all guess what she means but also what does that actually mean in context? That she’s been (yknow) or she’s forced to I dunno watch ? If she has been (yknow) does Haarlep have her form? If so, why even bother trying to break her if he’s such the “hopeless romantic” (also not canon) if that’s what he was after.

look even as I’m typing this I realise how I sound, this is definitely a rant, but I can’t stop thinking about these pixel people lol, but the whole Raphael and Hope thing will never not bug me, for multiple reasons; it’s undercooked, vague, and didn’t really get the attention it kinda deserves especially since it’s probably one of the dark parts of the story (one of many to be honest) like the content matter leaves alot to the imagination.

Bleh, I love my girl Hope, especially the letter we get if we free her, and it’s actually sad to see her state in game, she’s all over the place, I just have so many questions about their entire dynamic, like I can understand how it might’ve happened, she’s a cleric who probably wanted to save her sister and didn’t know much about Raphael other than he’s a devil, and he just happened to gain a sick curiosity or obsession with her, but everything after that, after the first two entires, WHAT HAPPENS?! I’m hooked, I need to know the full context, was it just nightmares or was some of it real? Did he actually love her or did he grow to hate her? Is she actually Hope or has she just grown to believe that herself? If so, How could Korilla stand all that?

I guess for now I’m just stuck with Headcanons, but what do you think? What’s your take on it all?

Edit:

Sooo, I just wanna add a few things extra here, Raphael is not rlly redeemable, and I really don’t want him to be BLEH good.. he’s is 100% lawful evil aligned, but like I said, I’m not a fan of the strict alignments in dnd, I think from a narrative perspective it’s more interesting to add nuance and maybe soften him a tiny smidge, and Raphael definitely shows that and the only time it ever tips the scales to completely abhorrent is when it’s what he’s done to Hope.

He doesn’t need to become his brother lol, but you’ve gotta admit how interesting it would be to see something other than a stereotypical devil, because he’s a devil can help you out for their own benefit, but they will never defer from their “nature” but I think It’d be cool to see him have an arc similar to the companions, breaking their cycles and change for the better (or worse)

His story wouldn’t even have to be convert him but something akin (a controversial take here) to Astarion. Astarion has a lot of reasons to why he is who is at the start of the game that Raphael really doesn’t (from what we know) but there’s so much you could do with his character, even as a non companion. I mean, he’s a sadistic asshole, (just look at his debtors) but what was it like being Mephistopheles kid? He was a child once I mean, and who was his mother? He must still have a human part of his family somewhere, unless they’re all dead.

This is all unnecessary stuff tbh, not even some of the companions get this much revealed about their history, but even just ignoring his possible past, how is he even going to take over the hells? He says that his father and Co. are coming to see him and “negotiate” or something but how’s that gonna turn out, huh? Like he says he’ll be knocking at our door but is he even gonna make it that far? Coz what I’m thinking is, he’s gonna get nerfed bro. Now a dlc could answer this but ehhhh, that’s not for awhile, if at all anyway.

This edit is going way away from dream theory but also dream theory or in Le head theory is frustrating, (for numerous reasons I know) because it’s the default explanation for anything isn’t it? Oh it was all a dream or coma or blah bleh blah, while it can explain a lot,it removes just as much, it makes Raphael soft, (YES ITS STILL TORTURE) but it’s easier for an audience to swallow. I don’t want to throw this theory out just to make him seem less villainy or whatever, I kinda just want it so Hope didn’t have to actually watch some kid or family die, or whatever happened in the boudoir, real to her but in reality no one had to die or whatever, love that girl bro, she rlly got the shit kicked outta her fr, but then again that’s why you can side with her and kill Raphael.

It’s so weird that I’d want this sorta theory for a character who is so blatantly evil aligned but hey a girl can dream, ok? 💅 like I said the coping here is real, and at this point of the rant I just seem like a crazy person, (so true) so I’m gonna end it here, STILL WOULD LOVE AN EXPLANATION LARIAN, taming hope part 3 will forever haunt me lol

[merwynpersonalhub]

since im angry and sore rn im writing random shit in one post 1) noise even though he is friends with margarita he loves to fuck around with him. he understands Italian so he gives margarita the wrong things on purpose so he can just see peppino spit out a drink or just be surprised in general lmao 2) i found a good translator so i will be using that for peppino sometimes bc sometimes i feel like peppino would just speak full on italian when he is upset or some shit lmao 3) margarita doesnt actually have two kids he just took in a fake peshino (toy) and a strange ass toppin that can turn into human that margarita loves very much 4)lovesick margarita has the lovesick thing buttttttt!! he can think pretty well so he just like "oh uh..no i dont need affection.." even though he reallllly wants it he will deny any type of affection so he doesnt hurt anyone. thats also why he quit working for peppino so he doesnt hurt anyone close to him lmao.. (lovesick au belongs to @/fluffygiraffe) 5) idk if i said this but he can break his halo and make it into a bow. since he cannot fight that well he sorta needs it..But its sorta rare he uses it (like how peppino gets his gun from the bosses) 6) Margarita doesnt hate poppe (@/maskedinfinate oc) he actually sorta cares for her he just cant stand the bullshit she does sometimes. if poppe was in danger he will try his best to protect her..even tho sometimes he will go like "why the hell did i save you." he really cares for her even if she doesnt care for him. (poppe you bitch we know you slightly care for margarita.) 7) OK so yk the fake peppino fight. in my silly lil head margarita fought fake peppino while peppino fought fake margarita... since i think it would be funny that margarita would be following fake peppino instead of peppino and like..when he finally catches up to fake peppino he is like "...wait a fucking sec-" 8)basically how margarita got with anton was anton visits the pizzeria time to time to hang with peppino and he notices margarita working the register and they just got close after awhile lmao 9)peppino and margarita has harmful ways of coping with shit- like how peppino will bite himself (i think almost everyone has this hc lmao) (also his hand/arms are badly scarred bc of it) margarita claws his arms. its hard to see due to the hair on his arms but he does claw the fuck outta his arms. thats why when he sorta getting overwhelmed gustavo walks over and takes the cash register and margarita other jobs before margarita starts clawing himself and margarita hides in the break room for a lil bit 10) GUSTAVO IS EVERYONE SUPPORT IN THE PIZZERIA. LIKE FR HE SO GOD DAMN SWEET GOD DAMN IT HE A JOLLY GNOME. (also yes fuck yall he is a gnome in my head.)

[fxirybun]

too damn true!!! i also feel like with ur last point that ppl dont seem to remember as easily compared to previous times? for instance whenever theres a "new" tiktok trend i look at it and realise its not actually "new" just something that the newer generations seem to think they created or made it new again.

its like kids or teens nowadays are so focused on their online life that they forget things have been done before in a less than new way so to see aesthetics that have been around long before thenselves come back as an aesthetic more than a lifestyle baffles me. particularly with y2k, not only do the 00s feel too long ago ngl we had so much good stuff but its like if you search it on youtube all ppl say is how trashy it was just because they didnt live in the era of it or they put an importance of aesthetics without realising they really wouldnt cope without the internet but its more so they prefer how something looks from that era, than anything else, i dont think anyones whos chronically online (myself included) would realistically want to have zero internet in current times it really gives fomo honestly its so bad.

if u arent doing what everyone else is doing its so bad making us feel further behind bc time aint slowing down for nobody. we 30 somethings had a lot too but i feel that gen z just dont realise the difference in society between then and now and it seems vastly different i cant explain it? thats why i feel like we were in some sort of time alteration device in or around 2019 cause nothings felt normal since then and even ppls behaviours and just the way they "think" has been altered so much and it always has to accomodate to whatever is going on both online and irl, the fact we have to try to mentally separate the online version from our physical selves is bonkers. thats whag i mean its totally different and idk if its a good kind of different or bad. im even seeing this crop up with new generation kpop groups and my faves ultimately they still are very much chronically online even if they are on a break. its actually hard to keep up with this stuff going on all the time hbu?

that reminded me of the whole baggy jeans & flared jeans trend and how my mom told me that these jeans used to put a chokehold on them back in the 90s lol. we be following the 3 Rs rules 😆 : reduce , reuse , recycle.

well.. if the shoes fit , fits them 🤷‍♀️ and the majority of teens are usually in their experimenting phase wherein they get to try new things that they're curious about. been there , done that ◔_◔ an example would be my little brother who's in his mid-teen years. he's experimenting with some clothes and would mix n match them cuz it's "trendy". i find his fashion questionable because of the layered tops and pants he's wearing 😭 like bro it's freakin hot outside and you're going to wear that ?? tho i'm not gonna stop him , letting him explore and find his niche (˘̩̩̩ε˘̩ƪ)

you know the whole "emo phase" back in the early 2000s and how people would throw shade on it ? well surprise surprise cuz tara yummy , johnnie guilbert , and jake webster are trending , and how their goth / emo fashion is making its way on trends.

gen z's are individuals who aren't afraid to express their opinions and are pretty much self-aware as to what's going on in this world. i find it admirable because their voices are being used to change the current societal expectations of what the govt or any politician had established.

i do feel that the whole pandemic was a major catalyst for all of us and how everything seems to be happening too fast. but i kid you not with this one cuz some of the millennials and gen x peeps i know irl has been noticing how we gen z's have no presence in mind and that we have short attention spans 😭

well , they're right with that one cuz i noticed it from my blockmates , the younger students , and my skibidi toilet siblings. and you shouldn't feel bad about not being able to catch up cuz i'm on the same page as you lmao ( T_T)＼(^-^ ) i had no idea what a "fanum tax" meant not until my little brother who's a gen alpha told me its meaning 💀 there's a new wave of slangs too and how i was left in confucius at first but i got a hold on it over time.

[gonnabewell]

my mom told me that my fidgeting with this arcade ball (which ive been doing about 2 weeks now, basically since i realized id benefit from something to fidget with and found it in my room) is “starting to annoy her” and that i look like a freak... even tho im in my own home and i dont fidget so wildly with it in public. and i got really upset and basically immediately started tearing up and told her it’s really helping me and she apologized and i know she didnt mean it but what she said is just echoing in my head and im like. i just feel so stupid thinking that no one thought i was weird for it. my cousin and his gf basically suggested i get a fidget cube which i interpreted as nice of them that they weren’t treating me as weird, but i should’ve taken it as a sign that im clearly not being as discreet as i thought i was. and my dad told me it’s weird and that im “unhealthily attached” to it, but i brushed that off as him being stupid and explained 2 him that im clearly not emotionally attached 2 it but that it is a good replacement behavior for like biting my cheeks/lips or scratching my skin or tapping my leg which doesn’t release nearly as much restlessness. but anyway now i have big rsd over this even tho my mom basically retracted her statement immediately but im just so :(( because of course i can’t carry bouncy balls around my whole life! no matter how much it helps bc its just gonna b seen as weird

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep11 (part 1)

Breaking toxic bonds & accepting healthy ones isn’t a miracle. A bond that started with love could end up chained & toxic, another that started wrong could’ve become the joy of a life time. You can do it. Break the cycle of abuse & stand up for yourself, it is easy yet so difficult, you aren’t alone, tho, loved ones stand nearby cheering. Be kind on yourself, otherwise you’ll throw your life away. Life isn’t just happiness & joy, it’s also sadness & loneliness. Break free from the shackles that held you down. Embrace life & Live.

-Tohru’s “ I’m okay” mask is finally shattered! (the Importance of kyo’s rejection for her development):

This is the last part of tohru’s character development! The last few eps were abt her role in Akito’s redemption & their similarities. she staood up for herself & choose a path away from her mom while keeping her mom’s memory in a healthy manner. No more planning my life according to mom’s wishes, no more talking to mom ‘s picture 24/7. Now, I’ll plan my life & move forward even if it is with the guy mom said she cant forgive. even If it is without him, I’ll move forward. I love him so much, yet I won’t force our bond & let go. So easy yet so difficult!. tohru doesnt know anything abt kyo after her fall. All she remembers is his heart-broken face as he wept beside her. Those tears on his face, she caused them. He cried cuz it is too painful to see her hurt. She was a burden to him! tohru restored to her old coping mechanism of pretending “ i’m Okay” & smiling. She did so numerous times before. Always worked. No one noticed. Except him. Se02, ep7. he urged her to show her true fears. Now, she’s faced with a pain so big she can’t pretend no more. the pain of loosing him. She cried in front of yuki! The smile & chatting abt chores couldn’t conceal the running tears! Yuki’s first time seeing her like that. Se01, ep14, yuki wondered how could tohru smile after her mom’s death. She can’t pretend no more! She’ll have to wear her feelings on her sleeve! cuz it IS ok to do so! She tells kyo to give her a moment to compose herself. She couldn’t lie & pretend like she did with yuki. Here she either run away or just try to compose myself! I LOVE THAT! This way, whenever kyo/tohru fight or have any misunderstanding in the future as a couple, you’ll know tohru won’t just bear it & pretend, “ i;m okay” No! she’ll talk to kyo & express herself! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It gives her so much strength as a human & I’m happy all the obstacles & set backs in kyo/tohru’s romantic journey has led them to be better ppl little by little to build healthier & more realistic love! 

-The mechanics of writing a compelling slow-burn romance:

1. Igniting the romantic feelings slowly: Slow burns don’t work with love at 1st sight. It must first sparkle naturally, slowly & subtly. Both kyo & tohru repeatedly stated they don’t know exactly when they first fell in love. The author’s decision to create an environment where the two live together is a genius way to start & nurture their romance quietly & subtly. Kyo was tricked to stay in shigure’s house while tohru had to stay cuz she had no home, Natural reasons that force the two to spend days together & get to know each other gradually.

2. Dynamics of their personalities: For slow burns to work, the two characters need to be similar yet opposites! Kyo & tohru are both kind, endearing, innocent, good at chores, independent & hardworking. They both have history with their mothers that is filled with love yet traumas. However, tohru is calm yet prefer maneuvering around subjects, can’t stand up for herself, reads ppl easily, tends to trust ppl easily & disregard herself. Kyo is fierce, strong, tends to distrust ppl, despite ppl loving his spontaneous character, he has hard time figuring out if they’re mocking him or teasing him, very straightforward with his words & actions. The similarities helps them understand each other, however, the differences creates chances to clash & come even closer thro various situation. Ex, se01, ep2, kyo apologizing for hitting her head with the table which created the situation where she needed to confess she always loved the cat zodiac! It is HER gush of emotions that struck kyo. ppl really want my friendship? the cat is loved? Thro those difference they learned to better themselves so they won’t hurt the other, kyo toning down his anger for her, tohru desiring to know him even more as he becomes even more awkward.

3. Creating natural, realistic  & convincing obstacles that prevents them from being together:  This is the most important part! Slow-burn is two characters in love & cant be together despite everyone wanting them to be! if the reason that stops them from uniting is trivial, stupid, one-sided, can easily be solved, then the slow-burn would be a fillery & no one would cheer for it! Takaya-san is a genius!

Kyo can’t be with tohru cuz he thinks (a) he killed her mom! we saw thr flashback, he could’ve saved her & couldn’t save her. It was a split of a second difference & he hates himsef for NOT trying! that split of a second also prevented from thinking of better ways to save her than holding her! it happened to fast, he couldn't think of a better alternative cuz this was his 2nd time loosing someone (b) his mom’s sucide being pinned as his fault created this immense guilt & defeated feeling that “ no matter what, I just cause death & misery! There’s (c) too!, he knew tohru! thinks she deserves the world & cuz he didnt save her mom, he watched tohru talk to a freaking picture for two years! heck! he is the only one who can see thro tohru’s “ i;m okay” mask, so in se01, ep 14 in the grave yard! kyo wasnt the only one who is sad! tohru was too! & kyo could tell! (d) her mom’s death is the reason tohru is accepting shigure’s offer to stay with them rent-free in exchange of doing housework! (e)? he saw her confess crying her heart out abt missing her mom so much that she imitated her dad! so tragicly sad! (f) he saw her die in his nightmare!! how can he accept her love,now? Perfectly orchestrated obstacles! 

Tohru, unfortunately, in the anime it wasn't that clear due to shortening her backstories & trauma in se03, ep6. But she too couldn’t see herself confessing love to kyo. Tohru is has low self-esteem, always thinks she’s a burden to others, an orphan who just wants her mom, so scared, lonely & sad! we the audience believed the mask! we saw her work her motherly charm yuki, isusuz, kisa & believe her issues are not that deep.  tohru wont cry for herself but shed rivers for others! grief is so ugly it broke her! I cant let go of mom, must keep her always in my heart, such a hard emotions to write & I believe 100% the director couldn’t understand her grief & decided to split ep6 between her, kyo, isuzu & shigure. But Tohru struggling to confess to kyo is no laughing matter. ppl who are grieving find it the hardest to live after the loved ones die. they wont mostly commit suicide, they are alive, but they arent living. they just go thro the motions & live for the sake of those around them but not themselves. Tohru deciding to confess to kyo is her deciding to live for herself.

4. Writing a perfect psychologically & emotionally packed climax: I dont need to explain how perfect kyo’s rejection of tohru in se03 ep9 was. How much we felt for him yet were mad at him. He we were “ ugh! kyo no!!!! I mean I get why you do that , but you idiot no! come back! poor kyo! He was just so sad & broken! OMG he’ll kill himself after finding tohru’s injured body!! he totally would! his nightmare came true! But Tohru reached him! she wanted him to be okay! he wont kill himself but still feels hella guilty! but so utterly in love with her that his instinct upon seeing her come to life after near death is kiss her! Perfect display of psychology & emotions! filled with right, wrong, sad, happy, guilty, innocent! basically so human~ As the audience you MUST have this mixture of feelings of wanting to hug him so bad cuz this boy has been killing himself for years now yet want him to stop & just see that he was a good boy afterall. Tohru is THE best girl & if the audience are cheering for kyo to be with her, kyo really deserves her! The only problem is for kyo to see that now.

5. The Perfect wrap up of all romance: If you make your audience suffer the slow-burn this long, you gotta reward them good! & Takaya-san delivered! Just like how the entire romantic story is realistic, the reunion must be as realistic too! Tohru is hurt by kyo;s words. Facts remain his words were hurtful to her. I love that was addressed! tohru gets to tell her side, too! If you love someone, you are bound to be hurt by them as much as be happy with them. Simply cuz they matter so much to you! you arent one person, but two ppl coming together. Kyo must work hard for this confession. Must run & chase her. Must earn her proper! He gets on his knees, I cant express how important that is! he is way taller than her, Imagine apologizing while she looks way up & he looks down? He gets on his knees & apologize like a man, for every mistake, all while not loathing himself. He aint going back to that deep abyss again. He did wrong by her & he is owning up to his mistakes. Give me one chance. I’m not gonna force you with persistence or guilt you into taking me. Give me ONE chance cuz i deserve it & no more. The choice is yours. She asks to confirm, he shows her, they kiss, they hug, they are rewarded with a blessing from the heavens! One of the most simple yet emotionally fulfilling confessions in anime!

- Hugs over kisses: (And her kiss hugs her & the curse was lifted):

Prince charming kisses the princess & she wakes up~ they live ever after~ except furuba is all abt “ eternal ever after is not true, real life is where the real love is”

Kyo kissed tohru once, she didnt wake up, she didnt even think he loved her back. didnt even remember the kiss.

Kyo hugged tohru once. se01, e024, He initiated it, tohru was all in tears, surprised, happy & so utterly in love. he called her name for the first time ever, for a brief moment, they both connected, they both comforted each other. The rain stopped, he became a man not a monster, she got him back. She got her kyo that she fought for with none other than kyo himself.

kyo hugged her again, se03, ep6. They both initiated it. He made the first move, pulling her just a little closer, she made the second move & hugged him hard, he transformed, it was a moment were they both connected, both so sad & broken, both feeling needy for the other, both desperate for the other, both just living the moment. the result is them coming closer, her wanting him more, him realizing her love, there is no escape. Admit it. she loves you. You can tell.

Kyo hugs her again today. He asks permission. No spur of the moment feeling. But a long lasting permission to be together. To hug. He wants to hear her acceptance of his cursed body. “ is ok to hug you? this body will cause you pain as it wont be able to fulfill your wishes of constant hugs & intimacy”. She responds, permission granted, for love, for hugs, for a life long acceptance of you as a whole. weakness & strength, sadness & happiness. I accept you all in better & worse! we’re invincible. Why? cuz we understand love isnt magic. It is a path for us to walk together~~~ reward curse break!

Every time kyoru are closer it is a hug. The one thing the zodiacs cant do. A hug. They can kiss. But cant hug. comes this Zodiac Ruler girl so lonely, away from ppl, so sad, meets a cat boy who comes to the house she’s living in, a house away from ppl, the boy is drawn to the girl, However, when the boy needed to leave, the girl was able to let go despite loving him, the boy comes again, this time wanting to stay, the girl accepts the boy. They both accept the realistic reality of life. Embrace the obstacles & the achievements, celebrates the weakness above the strength. Both so imperfect. Both so endearingly dumb! that’s why the girl’s hug broke the boy’s curse. The girl’s acceptance of the cat broke all curses.

Side Note:

Kyo’s confession is so kyo! so straightforward, so direct, & so physical. He’s on his knees, holding her hands, looking at her eyes. “ i want to be WITH you. If I’m gona live, I want to to do it with you & no one else! cuz I love you” that’s it. That’s all.  So sincere & so romantic!

it is crazy how different tohru & kyo are now after the confession! she stood confidently & happily & said “dont you know, I love you!” all while teasing him, her giggle is so girlish & cute! my girl is a happy woman in love! long buried the angelic mother image of se02! YES! also, kyo’s happy face is love! Dude! when was the last time he smiled so freely? Did he ever do that? He smiled in se01, ep4 with kazmua, but not like this! T_T. my son is healing~

Kyo’s “ i wont ever feel afraid if you’re with me” is a huge growth from his “ I want to protect her” mindset. Now he realizes it is two-sided mutual desire. She gives him strength as much as he does! <3

I dont like open eye while kissing, but here it is so perfect for tohru in this moment! cuz she spent days thinking kyo rejected her & even ran away as soon as she saw him, now he’s not only confessing, apologizing, admitting she is his life, but also kissing her signaling they’re romantic couple. kissing on lips is so personal, what more evidence she needs? still, her thoughts? “ it’s like a dream?” aww~~~ tohru~~~ my precious girl! she just cant believe all her suffering is over, now? She was just practicing “ i’m okay” smile & now she’s an official girlfriend to the man of her dreams? He just bent da kneeee~ go for it queen!

yuki’s face when tohru cried is exactly what I meant of “ allowing yuki to have strong facial expressions”! XD these types of faces humanize yuki so much into the teenage boy he is! Unfortunately the anime team only sees him as the pretty prince in most times. That’s why fave yuki is when he’s with kakeru. He becomes so un-princly as he should be.

Speaking of yuki, I see you anime team~ postponing his moment into next ep so him & machi wont be overshadowed by the long awaited kyoru!! While this defies the perfection of all cursed zodiacs breaking on the same ep making akito’s breakdown less perfect & poetic, I take it as the anime team admitting they underdeveloped yuchi & decided let’s give them more screen time & not putting them in close distance from any couple. A week later ep is enough with lots of time. I dont mind at all, I’m just saying more time after/while confession is not what i was hoping for~~ sigh~ At least I hope yuki would say sth along the lines” all this time I was looking at you, i realized i love you” to imply he was thinking of her as a lover not his kindness for someone he helped. I just dont want their love to be sudden simply cuz yuki needs happy ending. oh well~ I’m sure whatever it will be, the anime will give it utmost attention.

That sad moment when kagura wasnt allowed a moving image. lol. girl was given a still image that didnt even move with the breeze! T_T

Not gonna lie... the scene with kazuma & kyo was underwhelming. Why the wide shot? I mean you dont need budget for that. Just give me a closeup from the waist up with kyo head buried in kazuma’s chest. Dont need to waste budget on kazuma’s face, either.... do the old trick of hair covering eyes & show me glittery tears~  why the awkward shot of kazma towering in his own house! how tall is this man & why cant he he fix his roof?...lol

Also, shigure, you got scars man... who can hurt shigure? akito? gotta be her. I dont think hatori scratches...lol.. Aya? nah~ too busy with Mine! yup, akito... another steamy night? could be, she’s changed as he wish now. But scratching a face is weird while..um..kissing? a quarrel? but why? I bet she wants him now & we know he wants her....

More on part 2! especially abt the curse’s lore~

[13thdoodle]

So why did Phantom leave the castle since he's hanging out with Danny now? And is Pariah still locked up or did something happen? Is Clockwork still looking for a way to uncorrupt him?

Ohh man im

I probably still gonna change this around but like my initial idea is.. cabin fever.. (tho now im writing this it's just me projecting not coping well with first 6 months of quarantine onto Phantom)

Ok so for Phantom answer im gonna answer that last because i just realized how heavy it is esp considering.. our current situation so im gonna out that under readmore if u do wanna read it. But short answer is cabin fever n dumb impulse

Pariah is still locked up yeah. After Phantom died there are ppl who break into the castle n stole the Crown and the Ring, but didnt open the sealed sarcophagus. They want the crown for themselves, so he still locked up

I would say yeah on Clockwork part. Like i dont think it be easy to.. uncorrupt someone esp if it already roots in deep. Hard to tell where the corruption ends and where the actual Pariah starts, if they're not already one and the same (also denial is one hell of a strong motivator)

Tw isolation depression and the kind

So first of, Phantom was not okay. He locked himself alone in the castle because he doesnt want anyone else near the crown or ring fear it might tempt them to wear the crown. If Phantom do get tempted he's alone so he cant hurt anyone.. maybe.. And as we all.. fckin know by now, isolation does shit to ppl, it is super not healthy

He also was dealing with survivor guilt over sealing Pariah. Like he felt awful, he didn't want to seal him but the crown's corruptions roots deep and they can't just let him live like that, but also dont wanna kill his dad?? So, not a fun time. Theres also the guilt of like.. he felt he didnt try hard enough to convince Pariah to stop the tyranny

Like on hindsight it's obvious but when you put someone on a pedestal you tend to overlook things until it is too late. And thats the case with Phantom n CW. They didnt think it was that bad until Pariah went too far and a lot of ppl suffer the consequences of their inactions. Phantom locking himself to guard the ones that started it is his way to atone to that guilt. Its not good but u try convince the stubborn guy with the sword

So isolation, cabin fever, intense amount of guilt, just awful mix of depression margarita set. And idk about you but, have you ever got into depression n isolation so deep that when u finally drag yourself to go out for the first time n u realized theres more to the world outside of the 4 walls you've been staring for months and things are good actually and ur filled with so much happiness to the point of slightly manic energy and, if ur not careful, made u end up doing dumbshit because good lord u havent felt alive in so long?

Thats how Phantom felt. He got too cooped up one day he just maybe... maybe i can leave the castle for a bit. Just a stroll. Not too far. So he can still run back if anyone tried to break in. So he walked out. And he walked into the forest near the castle. N then he went deeper n deeper. And then he saw a unicorn bleeding out. And see it sparkly. And then he did a dumb

And now he's dead. Half dead. With no body. Stuck in the ether.

(Please dont follows Phantom's doing. If u do feel like that please go to theraphy or talk with people ur comfortable with qwq just.. dont get too cooped up alone its not fun i know that)

[crimsonandcloverwrites]

ok bhah ch11 my longest yeah boi ever

i’m literally... so excited I can’t even read it ok ok

oh no not the wedding invitations not this

i swear to god if we have to go through this wedding. knifeemoji

listen I have a fear that we’re gonna get the break up and the car accident same as canon dear god don’t put us through that either

no fears *literally everything that could make bhah more painful* several fears dot meme

god not the jamie invite. she cant even do it. another sign from god you are choosing to ignore

straight to Jamie’s house oh

lmao the red door I just worked out that’s a hill house reference from when I was wondering in like ch3(?) lol the inner workings of my dumbass brain never stop

“can we talk?” it’s happening what is happening

Dani was so tired of lying oh my god

my heart is literally beating so fast

alone in Jamie’s room bro wtf wtf

Jamie is just so soft and understanding always always aaaahhhhh

fuck she just wants out of this wedding so bad but she can’t even tell him

AAAHHH SHE KISSED HER OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING

fuck fgkjhdfkjgh this is not good oh no. Dani finally finally fucking doing something for herself and Jamie so aware that this cannot be happening like this right now

and yet both of them just falling into it anyway oh my goddddd

jesus christ jesus christ “Dani had half crawled into Jamie’s lap, kissing her with a fierce and fervent heat” I am on deaths door

god they’ve both wanted this for so so so so long I can’t believeeeeee

(i am so thrilled that y’all just went there right away btw)

“Please, just - I just want to feel how I’m supposed to.” oucchhhh Dani

god her just... knowing. after one kiss w Jamie that she can finally do it and talk to him and end it and it’s so terrifying but goddd yes

“You think I can ever say no to you?” oof

“Ask,” Jamie breathed. “Ask me.” fucking fuck the power of this line oh my god Jamie is so fucking ready to jump of a bridge for her it’s- the dedication the love the longing the everything I am going insane is it too early to start drinking at 1pm

you’re not you can’t NOT THE CANON DINER SCENE

fuck this is like watching a car crash i can’t look away it’s so fucking visceral and nerve-wracking and painful

but god I’m so proud of her for finally saying what she wants

oh thank fuck y’all didn’t take him out with a passing delivery truck

“You must have known. You know me.” oh god this sentiment always kills me

“She couldn’t say it — the words ‘I’m gay’ forever out of reach — so instead she said, “I can’t.”” my whole body is on fire oh my god this is.... too fucking real

jesus christ the near miss w the truck are u trying to kill me (i actually kind of love that Dani will have to deal w her feelings w him face to face instead of having to bury it all in grief like in canon I am so excited to see how y’all handle that)

a fucking HOUR in the car dfkjghdfkjh the torture

oh honey. literally both of them suffering so much ouch

her favourite saucepan pls this is all so awful and sad but that make me laugh so much the poor confused little duck I am glad she has her comforts

god poor Dani

"Is she here to cook something?"  fgkjdhfkgjhfkjgdf

“No. I think you’re brave.” oh

“We’ll figure it out." listen listen I am undoubtedly losing my mind god this is soft

“She had spent so long being asked and not asking. Never asking. She never dared. To ask was to be known, to be made visible, words forging reality as surely as a smith’s hammer. And yet Jamie waited, letting Dani gather the courage herself.

"Can I -?" Dani said, "- stay?"” please fuck I am just so !!!!!!!! about Dani getting to know what she wants and having a fucking voice. just !!!!!!!!

“Jamie inviting her in” fucking just both of them finally getting some of that quiet courage w each other I am yelling so much

“Dani knew that it wasn't just her feeling this, that it had never just been her.” YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT BABEY

““But you do?” Dani asked. “Want to?”

Jamie’s answering laugh was brief and incredulous. “You have no idea.”” I AM: HOOTIN. AND: HOLLERIN

“I am here” hello? hello I am not coping I am on another plane of existence. DANI FINALLY FEELING SO PRESENT AND WHOLE IN THIS MOMENT

god they’re just holding each other i’m tearing up. Jamie is her home

Dani finally sleeping through the night ow my fucking heart

Mikey’s so chill about all of this sdkdhfdkj I love him

Jamie going out n buying her favourite jam... god the tenderness. love is stored in the strawberry jam and the hairdryer

hmmmmm her attraction to Jamie is so closely tied to a lot of really hard feelings this is gonna take a bit to work through huh???

aw Jamie going to Carson I am so happy she has her little band of gays to help her rn

I love that she can just kiss her now when she gets the urge like maybe chill out a lil just landing all these surprise kisses but like good for u girl. good for both of u

the warmth of the house hmmmmm I love that she’s found this esp because she is perpetually cold and Jamie is always warm but keeps it like that for the kid (and probably for Dani too) aaahhhh

cgjkdfhkjgh Dani is so thirsty poor Jamie trying to keep them in check. these moments are so fucking loaded holy shit

Dani Jamie and Mikey are the cuuutest lil family aw

god the tentativeness between them trying to figure this all out and the casual intimacy and just. all of it is so much and so beautiful to watch unfold

i love this little bubble inside Jamie’s house and Jamie kind of drawing the curtains around them both physically and metaphorically while she lets Dani figure things out and lets it settle between them

it’s all about the hands

oh my god Hannah instantly asking if she needs a place to stay she really is the best

soft little mornings with her Jamie like... once Dani finally defeats the ball of guilt in her chest there is so much goodness to look forward to and I am v glad she has that right now even as she is still struggling a bit. my girl needs all the sweetness in her life

also the idea of Jamie getting to wake up to sleeping Dani in her bed every morning after a lifetime of trying to repress her feelings... god

heh she’s already figuring out all the ways to push Jamie’s buttons god these two are going to have some fun w each other

this idea of learning the creaking floorboards of a new home is so... warm

Jamie leaving all the curtains drawn for her oh my heart keeping her safe keeping her safe

Nan would be so proud of ms Dani u know it’s true

awww Mikey comin home to keep her company

Mikey Dani time is always so sweet I love them

my god Dani n Jamie are so intense w each other and just so full of fucking desire... when those floodgates finally open will they even survive

oof Dani is dealing with soooo much ugh. Jamie always there with a gentle way to bring her back down to earth tho my hearrrtttt

“You’re allowed to be happy.” she is SHE IS ty Jamie Taylor voice of reason

a pinky promise to deal with everything together awwww

“why are you so good to me” “you know why” oh my goddddddd. that’s so soft that’s so gentle that’s so much love

Dani finding little bits in herself in media god i love this

Dani Mikey hours best hours

god Carson... sweet boy. And Judy sending over a whole bunch of food oof just. these quiet little reminders of their love for her. Dani’s about to go through a whole bunch more emotions huh?

fkjdfkjgfh Mikey going into protector mode when Carson is there pls i love hm

ohmy “our room” aaaaaaahhhhh

god Dani expecting him to be upset with her I am so fucking emotional. I relate far too much to Dani in canon and in this story and it’s just. painful as hell to see someone go through the things you know hurt the most holy shit

please Carson is so sweet and understanding and telling her he’s proud of her is making me cry so much I can barely see

this whole like.. uncomfortable but relief-filled kind of coming out between her and Carson is so so beautifully done I can’t stop fucking crying

“God, you two were agony to watch.”  fglkdfgkjdfhkjgh Carson a voice of the people

“You deserve to be happy.” - Carson and also me and also everyone reading this

god he is so wonderful!!!!!! this reminder that she’s not alone and everything will be ok!!!!!!! Carson I love you so much

the box being described as “the beating heart of their childhood“ god the imagery

Jamie so sweetly making room for her and welcoming her into a home I am emotional again the tears have really been unlocked now I’m gonna be a mess the whole rest of this chapter (i say as if I haven’t been already)

the really sweet way Jamie gets her to open up and trust her with the things that have been on her mind

and Dani doing the same for her god this gentle honest space between them makes my heart feel so full I am just so happy that they’ve got each other

“I want you to stay.” please (also now I’m thinking about AE putting Stay on her Jamie playlist jesus christ I am being tortured)

they get... to wake up.... in bed together. i’m so close to crying again when will this stop

i kind of love there hasn’t really been any like... just no more kissing u know but we still get this insane intimacy between them in a way that’s not them shying away from the way they want each other but so carefuly and sweetly and honestly coming towards each other

awww them always waking up all tangled is so cuuute (also Dani feeling so safe and comfy with her that her subconscious is like lets latch on she is good she is home)

lmao Dani having to mediate between these two dweebs and their playfights is so good

Jamie having her lil family surrounding her aww

(also i just noticed the rating change oh god)

sfkjfhdg Jamie looking at her hips all dark eyes and wanting we’ve all been there girl

“you can look” BOLD DANI MY BELOVED

god these two........ the grabbing her silver chain god @ google how to breathe properly??????

“Then show me.” oh my god

fkgjhdfkj so much electricity they shorted out the power

“this is just as nice” when they’re just hugging please they are so soft

i love that there’s just like... gentle soft banter between them in these quiet moments so much

“Dani, give him more homework.”  ghrfjkhjgkjgh

god the heated cheek kiss

this ‘game of chicken’ god they’re just.... really in it huh this is so fun

hmmm Dani going through the suitcases and sort of being able to bring some of herself/her past into this new place is so nice

heh this lil family and their snowfights are so cute

:( she can’t bring herself to eat Judy’s food

Jamie bringing her flowers oh soft

ugh they’re just so softly melting into being together it’s so sweeeeeeeet

“You’re lovely.” and the way Jamie just sinks into her with Dani’s fingers in her hair pleeease I am dying this is so warm

aaaahhhh they’re dancing soft soft soft

“gray eyes fluttered closed, as though the weight of Dani’s touch was too much to bear” god i am..... aaaahhhh

“a gentle calm settling within her. It had seemed that for all her life she had waited for the quiet of this” y’all this is so beautiful and lovely and wonderful and all the good things

ah that kiss. kinda feels like their first real kiss where they just get to be god I am so happy “a profound sense of finally” oh oh oh that’s such a pretty concept

god I love how much they just want each other that second kiss and them just all over each other is perfect and having to try and reel that in and being able to because they know it’s not going anywhere please it’s so so good

god Dani vs Desert Hearts I love this callback and the entirely different circumstances of her watching it again

dsjfhdkjfh oh no Dani losing her mind at Jamie touching her knee god these two have got the biggest storm coming

dfkdjhkgdjh god them like.... trying to take things slow but still letting things happen while having to be aware of Mikey is so funny but I kinda love it and how indicative it all is of them being so grown up and able to approach their relationship in such a mature way. as much as I wish they’d had their teenage love story I do like that it’s unfolding this way now.

“it struck Dani then that she couldn’t remember ever laughing while doing this.” aww

Mikey’s “oh gross” hahahaha poor kid

god this is so funny

“ferret kid” jamie why are u like this sfkjhdfkjf

oh lordt it seems we have reached the unabashedly horny phase good show ol’ chaps

god they’re still so soft tho this is so fun to read

i looove how flustered they both make each other w just their presence. it’s just so !!!!!!

lmao Dani knowing exactly what to do to drive Jamie insane is fdkgfdkjgh perfect amazing show stopping more neck kisses more teasing more barely restrained desire i love it

“the reckless rush of being in each other’s arms” AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

lmaooooo Mikey Jamie is going to lock you outside if u keep doing this

the fact it can just fade back to comfortable companionship too is like. ugh i love them together

“Yeah. You can touch me whenever you want.” oh jesus

“No more interruptions, no more waiting, no more holding back.” it’s happening god it’s happening everyone stay calm (also the slow build to this point has been so fucking perfect y’all are writerly geniuses)

lmao Dani is like please can we just get naked why do u want to watch a movie I am literally right here

oh she is not waiting anymore THAT’S MY GIRL GO GET EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER WANTED I LOVE YOU

“What do you want?” god the tension

aaaaahhhhh just. them being so out of their minds with want but still all nervous and wanting to check in but still just. wanting this so much god this is *chef’s kiss*

lmao Dani already having the hair pulling thing figured out is so good. poor Jamie lol is she even going to survive this

god the fact they’re both still fully clothed n still getting this fucked up just making out n grinding on each other I love this for them

mum just came in to tell me dinner is ready I AM ALREADY EATIN GOOD

lmao fuck I am just... so thrilled for Dani finally getting to experience this get ur whole world rocked baby u deserve this

thumb in her mouth i-

“my idiot” pls that’s so soft

“You have me.” i know this is like. horny but it’s also so romantic sfgkjhdfkjg

ayoooo Jamie’s tattoo excuse me while I lose my mind a lil bit

my god Dani is so impatient to get her naked I love her for it so much “I just want to feel you”... ma’am

Jamie being all nervous is so cute aw

god having this lil moment where they just call each other beautiful n get all cute about it while they’re fully naked n grinding on each other.... perfection

god I can’t stop thinking about every other mention of Dani having sex w Eddie and it just being like adequate or like her not letting him touch her and now LOOK AT MY BABY GO SHE’S REALLY HAVIN THE TIME OF HER LIFE LITERALLY BEGGING TO BE TOUCHED LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO

I feel like I’m like cheering Jamie on rn sfjkghdfkj u guys need anything? some snacks? a condom?? ur doing great!!

Dani crying and thanking her like this is an acceptance speech love that for her

Jamie kissing all over her face aww

I can’t believe this whole chapter is them just getting to fall in love for real

“I want to taste you” i am blushing goddamn Jamie get it

oh my god the dream. she’s literally living out her dreams

“that same focused intensity that could make kingdoms fall” I love that Jamie is just as into getting Dani off as Dani is getting off lmao GOOD FOR THEM

Dani: desperately tryin to get Jamie off. Jamie: are u sure u want to tho??? miss ma’am let the girl touch u already she deserves it (but i do love that she’s always just like.... never wanting to make Dani do anything she doesn’t wholeheartedly want to)

“You sitting here on top of me like this is doing more for me than you can imagine.”  iconic jamie moment

Jamie literally just like.... ‘you can do whatever you want to figure this out’ is so sweet I love her capacity for just. giving herself over to Dani in every way (not just the horny ones) to let her forge her own path

“It was easy to understand now, the exhilaration of it, why people went crazy for it.” god I love this for her so much everything just falling into place

they’re so soft n comfy together and it’s all just so right and lovely

i love that once they’ve started they basically can’t stop honestly get it girls u deserve all the orgasms

“When did you know?” “Sixteen years.” oof my heart she’s known the whole time aaahhhh. all these lil memories god it really was all out of love I could cry. and Jamie admitting the scarf/scar thing whew she really carried around that moment on her face for the whole world to see (also lol at Dani being so fixated on it this whole time that’s so perfect)

heh they’re so cute with their lil teasing banter exchange

lol goddamn this so so spicy I am just dfklghfjkdjghkjdf (that is to say well fucking done I can’t even speak rn)

Jamie just being like you could literally just look at me and I am turned on I... love this whole situation for her so much

god they’re really just going all in Dani is getting like the.... lesbian sex speed run amen

oh god not Karen on the phone just hang up Dani do it do it

god she is so evil

omg she told her abt Jamie go off Dani I am v v proud of u right now

and she hung up on her godbless babe i LOVE your audacity

heh Jamie so transfixed by Dani’s lil purple sweater and skirt I love her

Dani u are such a tease sfkgjdfkg good 4 u tbh

awwww she got Dani’s desk for her oh my god that’s so lovely

Dani n Jamie being entirely not subtle over dinner w their lingering glances and Carson just laughing at them fkjghdkfjgh i love it. he’s so happy for them even w his teasing aw

aaahhh i just love Jamie giving her this space and this room in the house and Dani feeling so right in it

oooh an almost “I love you” god they’re just fuckin u-haulin in love perfection huh

and now we’re back to horny hours love this for them. gotta bless that desk somehow huh!?

i love the mentions of all this soft stuff about belonging when they’re about to rail each other it really rounds it out emotionally

“Get on your knees.” OH MY GOD THE JAMIE ON HER KNEES REDEMPTION MOMENT IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING

HELL YEAH IT IS this is truly what we all deserve

oh my god literally ripping her clothes off her fuck i love how desperate they are for each other and just how into this they both are always

dfgkjdfh jesus Dani are u ever going to be able to get work done at this desk again after Jamie does.... all of this to u on it

“Good girl.” the single most powerful sentence in the lesbian language

jesus christ this is still so incredibly steamy sdflkhskhg it never ends. and them like.... experiementing a bit w some different um. approaches? lol good 4 them good 4 them (and us)

my god them instantly getting all soft after about making each other happy please they’re so dang cute

ok love that we are also getting Dani on her knees it’s equality.gif

this little “I like you” “I like you too” confession right now is... so fucking soft and like... after everything they’ve gone through they still have the power to kinda knock each other off their feet w lil things like this huh?? sappy lil shits

oh no Judy I am scared

holy shit Dani “Didn't think you'd love me anymore” owwww my heart

god Judy is such a good mama I love her so much. reassuring her she’s still a part of the family my god I am so emo. she loves her so much

aw I love this lil shared bathroom scene after so many awkward moments w Dani and Eddie in their bathroom and so many mentions of her fogged reflection. things are finally clear and it’s wonderful!!

lol Jamie well if u didn’t want Dani to get all horny u shouldn’t have worn suspenders!!!!! it’s simple math!

god Dani has changed so much this chapter which only takes place over a couple of weeks right?!?!? after so much anxiety and being so unsure of herself this is so fucking beautiful to see

stop the car thing oh my godddd. she doesn’t even care about having her own cause she’s so happy w the person she’s sharing with I’m so overwhelmingly happy

“You’re perfect.” please I will cry this chapter was so perfect (also so are the memes I cackled so much)

[raayllum]

I find it interesting how most ppl headcanon post-TTM Rayla as the one more reluctant to get back with Callum and think Callum is going to be the one all eager to get back together (Not that they broke up but yknow what I mean). One thing that stuck out to me tho in an hbmp interview with Aaron and Justin, was that one of them said something along the lines of (not sure the exact quote) "Rayla wants to get back to the boys in Katolis asap" (1/2)

and that Callum would find "healthy and unhealthy ways to cope" (not sure if Callum's coping methods have anything to do with this but i'm putting it anyway lmao). And Rayla obviously did it out of love, and not because she doesn't want him, and she tbh (imo) she doesn't seem like the type to do all the "We cant be together, he probably doesn't care anymore, etc) drama. Thoughts? (And sorry for the long ask >.<)

The main time I see Rayla be more reluctant in post-TTM headcanons is when Callum tracks her down when her mission isn’t complete, which... She left to not drag him into things, she’s going to try and still keep her distance. Yes, Rayla wants to go back to the boys ASAP, but she’s put a very clear condition on when she can do so. 

I also think the main reason why Callum is characterized as more eager is because he’s more overt with his feelings than Rayla is. Not by much, deep down -- Rayla shows more through action (i.e. approaching him first in 1x04) whereas Callum is more word orientated (i.e. the boat scene in 1x05) -- but there is a difference. It’s also a matter of agency. Rayla chose to leave, but Callum wanted to go with her, and he had that choice taken away from him by her. So, if Callum is finding her before her mission is over, of course he’s expressing that desire to be with her, because that’s all he’s wanted. Rayla is the one who chose something over him and their relationship.

Rayla’s decision in TTM is also one based primarily on fear, survivor’s guilt, and self loathing. She knows what she’s doing to him isn’t a good thing, hence why she apologizes and leaves a letter (presumably) explaining herself. She very much comes from a “one strike and you’re out” type of culture in the Silvergrove, where one perceived mistake of something she didn’t even do was enough to get her banished. That, and Rayla’s response to Callum post-TTM will probably mirror interactions they’ve had over similar issues, such as:

Rayla worrying that the boys will hate her because of her involvement with the assassins, and also because she’s now lied to them on top of it all.

Her guilt over being unable to tell Callum the truth because she knows it will hurt him.

Her desperation to explain herself, rather than focus on Callum’s feelings (which she fixes later on in the episode) because she doesn’t want to lose him and their friendship.

And Rayla’s bone deep refusal to get indignant on her own behalf, instead choosing an almost nihilistic approach that everyone was right to shun and reject her for something she didn’t even actually do (“It’s me, and it’s all my fault. They’re right to reject me” from 3x04). 

So uh, imagine that tenfold when Rayla knows what she did, knowing how much it would devastate him, and how she choose to do it anyway, and... She’d make her feelings for Callum plain -- she’s never stopped loving him -- but her stewing in all the reasons she doesn’t deserve him, especially after what she’s done to him? Rayla was the one picking up the pieces when Claudia shattered him and that was when Callum knew he couldn’t fully trust Claudia (hence why he went along with the illusion plan). But he does trust Rayla with his entire heart, and that’s what makes it sting so much. She lied for completely different reasons, but the break of trust is similar. And again, this is something Rayla actually can accept full blame for, because it is something she actually completely chose to do. 

She’s hesitant after all, when Callum approaches her each time and forgives her so easily for her previous lies.

However, if Rayla’s the one coming back (whether the mission is over but especially if she couldn’t complete it) and Callum hasn’t gone after her, which is a less common but still popular post-TTM scenario, that tends to get pictured differently. Rayla would be more forth coming, because she’s chosen to come back (for whatever reason), but she’ll also have less reason to believe his feelings haven’t changed either because she broke his trust, or depending on how much time has passed. So while I think either way a lot of her “What if he doesn’t love me anymore” would be extremely internalized, I do think it’s in character. In her mind, after all, after she lied to him and left him, why does she have any right to love him, never mind any right to his heart?

And Callum’s forgiveness is very much predicated on his desire for Togetherness, which Rayla is learning to have in season three, but she’s nowhere near the conceptual level he is by and large.

R: Just one more thing. I go into the portal alone. C: Rayla- R: No. You said it was dangerous. I’m not going to risk both of us. C: Fine. But the second it seems like you’re in danger, I’m jumping in after you. R: Callum, no! C: Sorry, just how it is.

R: No! I’m going alone. Viren has taken away everyone I love - everyone except you. I can’t risk you coming with me. [...] C: Together. That’s the most important thing. Together.

Because Rayla decides that while she wants to be with Callum, the most important thing to her is his life.

Because what Rayla wants and what she lets herself do / have has always been two very different things, and have been for most of the show. She wants to go back to the Silvergrove (“Can I ever come home again?”) but knows that never may be a possibility for her. TTM pushes her into what feels like such a tight corner that she’s willing to overcome two of her fears -- hurting Callum ( “I’m afraid of hurting him,” 2x02) and losing him (“You mean too much to me, I can’t lose you like this”) -- in order to avoid her biggest fear, which is losing him to death. She’s willing to sacrifice the future of their relationship (through risking her life if nothing else) and hurt Callum and harm his happiness in order to keep him alive.

And I think Callum will understand those things, and be happy and angry and forgiving, and that’s viable from his perspective, but Rayla is working from a very skewed perspective of herself and her own self worth, and one that requires her to not fully believe Callum’s feelings.

I go extensively into all of the above in this fic of mine that is basically just one big post-TTM meta with like, a slight plot. Actual meta edit and meta in the prior links enclosed above. 

TLDR; I think it’s a headcanon that can make a lot of sense, especially depending on when the reconciliation is staged, and while I could see canon not delving too much into it, I think Rayla’s fear of not deserving love / losing Callum are closely intertwined, and Callum has always been more open emotionally first. So yeah, it makes sense to me, for a few different reasons. I’m always down for different interpretations, though!

[justalokifanaccount]

Episode 4-Play by Play Reactions (Spoilers)

(I accidentally spoiled a major part for myself by browsing tumblr after the episode aired but before I watched it because I’m dumb)

I’m watching this on my TV and not my phone this time so I’m excited

Previously on… the show I’ve been obsessed with months before it released. As if I need reminding lol.

Friggin marvel opening gotta remind me of Tony snapping every episode

Interesting watching this on my flatscreen cuz the show is wide screen

Oh asgard!

Little Sylvie!

Oh my gosh that would be horrifying as a kid… she just got kidnapped pretty much

“Crimes against the sacred timeline” oh for cripes sake she’s just a kid!

Oh my gosh this would be terrifying

Oh is this when Renslayer was still a hunter

Clever girl!!! She escaped before even being sentencing

There’s a lot more to Renslayer I bet

TIME KEEPERS BABY

Space lizards finna meet the business end of a pruner

Mobius yay!!!!! I’ve missed him!

And what’s so bad with different branches?

Oh is that hunter locked up?

Oh nvm

That “how?” from Mobius is the closest thing we will get to hearing him say “wow” in this show and that makes me sad.

Dawn of the Final Day

Aha iconic promo scene!

Serious Loki moment?

“The universe wants to break free so it manifests chaos like me being born the goddess of mischief.”

I don’t believe C-20 is actually dead

Soooo does Loki not still have the tesseract? Or are we gonna get a silly clown Loki moment of “OHHHH I FORGOT I HAD THIS.”

“Do you think what makes a Loki a Loki is the fact that we’re destined to lose?”

“No. We may lose. Sometimes painfully. But we don’t die. We survive.”

Please don’t romance them

This is sweet and sad

Don’t kiss please don’t

What set them off? How did they find him?

He really should have an equal amount of security

Mobius shut up.

Bad friend? Oops

Uh oh

TELL HIM THE TRUTH LOKI DO IT

Oh? Asgard?

Uh oh

Lmao

Bully Sif

Ouch

Poor Loki

Ohhhhhh lmao time loop of being beaten up by Sif… ouchie

Cmon Loki fight back.

Or break her mind lol

Loki don’t fall for it— ahhhh ok

Ouchie

Controlling woman huh

Easiest to break huh? Shut up Ravonna

Titans? (Lmao please tell me they arrested a variant Thanos)

Vampires??? Hinting at a Blade reboot????

Hunter B-15 knows something is up

Oh my gosh Loki real moment confessing to Sif “because I’m scared of being alone.”

Genuine or??? Is she gonna throw him? Poor Loki…. “You are alone. And you always will be.”

Mobius you scumbag. That’s literally torture.

Mobius shut up

Mobius shut up. You don’t know the real Loki.

Oh so even they don’t know what caused it

Now Loki is lying just to avoid being hit by Sif

Oh no. He thinks she’s gone. Loki can’t lie very well when he’s sad.

No not swooning… please don’t ship them I beg you.

Not romance please stop no.

MOBIUS SHUT THE HELL UP

Please don’t make it romantic please please please please

SHES NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND PLEASE SHUT UP

YEA LOKI TELL HIM THE TRUTH

Maybe he had a family, a life… maybe… maybe a jetskii?

Mobius shut up.

Shut up about “girlfriend”

Yea Mobius. Let it stew. You’re a liar.

That Hunter B-15 is onto something.. OH YEA SHE WAS ENCHANTED FOR A BRIEF MOMENT TOO

SHE MUST BE REMEMBERING SOMETHING

Theremin. Nice.

Odd music choice for a date I gotta say.

How much older is Owen Wilson than Gugu Mbatha Raw? (Googling) Owen Wilson is 52… Gugu is 38

Mobius is onto something. But I’m still mad at him.

“What we do here matters.” Doubt

Friendzoned

What trophy?

Oh the sword

SNEAKY MOBIUS SWITCHING THE REMOTES NYAHAHAHA

He’s not the best liar tho

For all time. Always. Doubt

She knows he’s lying.

Hunter B-15 interrogating Sylvie at Roxxcart

Yea Sylvie tell her!

FRIENDS? Please?

Oh my gosh poor Hunter B-15…

Hug?

Team up?

Yay???

Damn C-20 really is dead?

Funny with all that technology but that video looks like my old handheld game from like 2010 that I bought from Walmart.

Mobius having an existential crisis. Good.

Please stop hinting at a romance between them…

Friends yay!

Renslayer you scum…

Uh oh

Maybe he had a Jet Skii!

NO

NO

LOKI JUST LOST ANOTHER FRIEND

Renslayer I will revel in your demise

“But she’s just doing her job.” Shut up. She saw what Hunter C-20 said…

Loki is crying again… he just made another friend and he’s gun… HE NEEDS TO COME BACK. If Mobius is gone forever I will never forgive the TVA.

Awww she asked if he’s okay… I’m still praying only friends. Please nothing more.

What was the event? Come on Renslayer. You remember you crap hole.

Oh my. Time keepers??? Aha this IS where the stairs on the wall and a fight breaks out.

Lmao that one time keeper sounds like a dopey dog from a cartoon.

YEA HUNTER B-15 I LOVE YOU

Oh that’s how Loki gets that cut

Now he has a sword babyyyy

Renslayer I hate you

Loki help her!

Oh nvm she’s good

Child of the time keepers?

I KNEW IT

JUST ROBOT PUPPETS!!! ITS ALL A TRICK

So… who’s really in control???

Seeing Loki in this blue light… cmon give me Jötunn Loki.

Where’s hunter b-15?

Don’t confess love pease I beg you

Please please please don’t romance them. For all that is good in this world.

Oh gosh

Hug?

Please just hug

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHAT????

PRUNE HER DO IT

Loki?????

What???? NOOOOO

HE CANT BE GONE!!! We still haven’t gotten that scene where he has the flaming sword!!!!!!!! Pruning HAS to not kill them please!!!!!!!!!

Dammit I KNEW something would happen. They had their backs turned to them and it was too quiet.

LOKI BETTER NOT BE GONE I SWEAR TO GOD MY HEART CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH AGGHHHHHHHHH

I’ve seen him die too many damn times agahahshehhdheiebdusienenridiehehejd

And now the credit song has love in it

I really really hope they don’t have some sort of self-cest between Loki and Sylvie…

POST CREDIT SCENE WHAT????

LOKI YES

OH MY GOSH THANK GOD HES ALIVE

Oh

My

Gosh

MY JAW JUST DROPPED

ALL THE OTHER LOKIS

SO WHAT THE HELL DOES PRUNING DO?????

WE GOT KID LOKI, BLACK LOKI, OLD COMIC LOKI, AND EVEN A FRIGGIN CROCODILE LOKI LIKE WHAT???????

And what is black loki (I feel bad for calling him just that but I don’t know his name DX) holding? And what is old comic Loki holding?

What is this place that looks apocalyptic??? Why are they all here?

WHAT IS HAPPENING

THIS IS MY FAVORITE EPISODE YET AGGHHHHHHHHH

SO IS MOBIUS STILL ALIVE THEN????

IS EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN PRUNED STILL ALIVE?

Is each pruned person sent to a place with all the other variants of themselves???

I HAVE TOO MANY QUESTIONS

NO WONDER TOM HIDDLESTON SAID POOR LOKI IN THESE EPISODES

My biggest concerns now are: how on earth are they going to wrap this up in only two more episodes? And PLEASE DONT ROMANCE SYLVIE AND LOKI!!! I mean, I get it… if Loki should fall in love who better than his parallel. She’s different enough from him to have it not be too weird I guess, but it’s still a variant version of him. And it seems a little too forced. Like sure a crush maybe, but don’t you dare say love when they’ve only known each other for like a couple days.

My mind is melting. I’m so glad I waited to watch this in the morning instead of at night so I could appreciate it in all its glory.

BUT NOW I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER WEEK AGGHHHHHHH

Oh and is Hunter B-15 okay? We saw her get knocked down but that was it. She didn’t appear in the rest of the fight.

AND WHO MADE THE TIME KEEPERS????

IS IT KANG? IS IT…… MEPHISTO??? WHOOOOOOOOOOOO?????

Gonna go browse tumblr to cry and reblog gifs from the episode to help me cope until next week.

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 30, 2019 // larkspur lane/the whisper box

this post is a double whammy cause they have 2 eps happen in the same day if u can believe it (thats how awful judging timelines in this show is!!)

-"hi josh..." LMAOOOOOOO

-BESS just breaking in lmaooo how many god damn times does bess just shit the bed in this show

-LOVE her frowny face at nancys closet ("my expectations are low" lmfaoooo but this would totally be me)

-"bet she meant it metaphorically" okayyy but then why did lucy say that at all? i feel like theres defo more to this story, combined with josh's cagey behavior (part of which is to get nancy to stop looking into shit d/t him and karen but still)

-"they dont accept visitors unless they're family" .....🙂

-ace "youre really good at that" to bess i fuckin love this friendship with all my heart (also love their talk at the claw mirroring nick & nancys talk in the last ep)

-also PINK AND ORANGE BESS ARE U BLIND (also 1) why tf would nancy own this and 2) where would she wear it??)

-okay wtf is vampire dip

-"boss??" see this is what i meant yesterday about nancy ruining everything for nick/george

-god DAMN she sucks at dealing with this news lmaooo that emotional competency babey + love george literally agrees to help bc she feels bad (AND nicks immediate look of "you just reprimanded me for helping her last ep and i know why youre doing this rn" lmaoooo)

-LOVE george noticing nick "shout out to jean valjean" lmaooo once again nancy would never have noticed/commented on something like that

-"get the hell out of here" was this foreshadowing for an epic dad joke for these two eps? "how do you make holy water? you boil the hell out of it" 😂😂😂😂

-so what i dont get about the whole haunting is the ball + kids' laughter but its all the emphasis on "mr roper" the adult? wtf like what kind of entity is this

-"how did you ever have a solo career??" 😂

-okay amaya's hair is gorgeous here (also "you feel like a snack" ....👀) *ahhh so the reason bess feels so off balance is bc its like a top vs a top scenario

-has anyone who's ever been to prison confirmed this is what it looks like?

-love how ace is the only employee there when they all leave so he had to fucking close the place when he goes

-why does she take the whole file? time constraints? it'd be smarter to take pics + replace it (better sleuthing) but this place is clearly not well run anyway 😂

-so this is a pretty decent cover she invents but theres no way she would get away with it so easily for a real guard

-love how ace recognizes ryan's car (+ is able to find it by driving around)

-"my father wouldnt do anything like that" LMFAOOOOOO SIS WHY ARE U DEFENDING HIM ironically, ace is actually the best person suited to engage w ryan here d/t the car accident + connection with laura being ryans SIL. its a unique set up

-i am fascinated by the concept of priests + holy water being so effective here combined with mcginnis' beliefs and basically nondenominational ghosts/seances etc after that. the show is very clearly big on diversity but definitely steers clear from too much WASP stuff yk? wonder if other stuff from christianity works against the ghosts/demons like taking refuge in a church "holy ground" or using silver etc

-"did this start after the night of sept 10?" *this is where you get the time line for the seance if you didnt know

-this is so fucking funny when u realize that patient sal talks to is actually a ghost so sal really is psycho i guess 😂

-bitchsplain/tall jar of mayonnaise 🙏��😌 2gether 4ever

-how did ace get this van? also heart attack when he yells at carson (but then grins at him like a goofball lmaooo)

-"for nancys sake and yours" damn she owes ace big time for all this shit

-"what do we do for 7 minutes?" ...ummm play 7 minutes in heaven lmaooo 👀🥵

-was not expecting ace to look this sexy holding an axe but okay (*ah, its his short sleeve shirt showing his arms. usually hes a sleeves guy)

-"desperate for attention" nancy (from gomber) vs "bc she's starved for attention" patrice --> lucy (and candace also...) we know nancys detective work makes her seem like an attention seeker, but what was lucy doing to make them all think that? she was trying to hide her relationship with ryan, not expose it. unless they just mean the rumors about her?

-so is patrice hiding lucy's "truth" talking about lucy being a whore or lucy being a ghost? what is lucy's secret? did patrice guess she was pregnant or did patrice's somehow garbled mind remember tiffany trying to show patrice the video with lucy on it?

-wonder what captain thom thinks of this stand off w ace lmaooo

-"like you do?" top v top shenanigans

-how awko for carson to talk to karen again like this

-"oh no" ACE 😂

-love how amaya says "be a human" like shes kind of admitting people in rich circles typically arent (^this is an interesting focus in s2 when bess's rich family rejects her, thus making her human again, but nancy embraces her rich fam and experiences subsequent moral struggle which is predicted with the wraith)

-wonder what ryan thinks he could get from the marvins (which he cant get now lmaooo)

-this damn whisper box. so many questions. who named it the whisper box? why are the ropers' old possessions still there? who decided to build a mental hospital on top of it? and patrice! she "hid lucy's secrets" hannah gruen thinks tiffany tried to show patrice video w lucy on it, which patrice then specifically says she hid in the thin mans book. so patrice knows of the thin man? can she see him? does she know he was a ghost/supernatural? she must have a supernatural sense to know about him (unless sal told or some shit) so then when tiffany shows up w/ lucy being supernatural in it patrice hides it to protect her? is this why she is "crazy" kinda like victoria? supernatural elements or ability to sense ghosts makes her unstable? this is why lucy being a ghost/nursery rhyme that she repeats makes patrice worse/"stroke"? how did patrice even get into the whisper box to put the key in the bible and get out without getting trapped? also, her dementia --> lucidity is really fucking off, some people mildly switch like that but usually with dementia they cant even register new shit anymore

-...so did bess take the ride? 👀

-interesting how celia says "your father will be disappointed" but nothing of her own opinion. wonder how much celia truly puts up with to keep everett calm and nonhomicidal

-like george asking nick follow up questions that nancy never really would have asked

🥞🥞🥞(ep13)🥞🥞🥞

-is this bitch just eating a plain pancake with her bare hand?

-"extra case load and excessive volunteering" ugh. nancy's family here are like, gross in how "good" of people they are // unrealistic, trying to paint carson in the best light/ no way ryan could ever compare (but the reality is theyre not that good of people for lying about nancy) **and shes arrogant to think shes better than everyone else ie the only one who truly lives virtuously, thinks she can do no wrong sometimes even tho using sex to cope, breaking and entering, etc is not morally "good" stuff she still thinks she is the only one who doesnt lie and plays fair (like in the pilot she lists everyone else as a suspect but herself- obviously we know she isnt guilty but no one else does. (i mean in theory we really dont, what if nancy was an unreliable narrator and was actually guilty, that would be a hella cool show)its reactions like that where she cant understand why others like the chief suspect her

-ooooh ironic that in the Good Place carson readily agrees to pay her for helping with cases as opposed to s2 in reality

-nick's house has "problems" so why does he need a lawyer? as opposed to an interior designer, plumber, or realtor?

-in the Good Place nick and george realize they are not going to work out after one date. does this failure in the Good Place predict failure in reality, or merely an easier way of figuring out the truth? does this mean that the "opposite" of the Good Place is reality, or only an opinion of what is better? (nancy says "you all like me" as her opinion of them liking her is skewed; does this then only reflect nancys version for what is the "perfect life"?)

-why is bess a hippie??? and love how george curls her hair and wears pink lipstick here

-if this dream is so realistic then why is the one thing it cant conjure smoke? like how random

-love the locket being a key realization bc with things like jewelry you dont notice the weight of them until theyre gone

-"you all like me" in her perfect life nancy means they "like" her objectively/regardless of circumstance even though liking her is still an objective choice (like they "like" her because of other reasons instead of her working at the claw? (like how you make friends with coworkers/people at school every day but after you leave the job/graduate you never speak to them again) and her "thanks for showing up!" as if theyre not doing exactly that in reality 😐like where is she getting this shit? she sort of acknowledges in earlier eps she is hard to like/that she puts mysteries before friends, but also pushing them away to avoid danger like the previous ep "why do u show up" etc

-is it just me or does the inside of nicks "house" look like the drews'?

-nick has a dick scar lmaooooo (or more likely was hit in the balls or smth)

-love how nick + george match their anger in confronting sal 100% on the same level

-so when did ace go back to work after having such a busy day earlier?? lmaooo

-damn father shane is a creep (casting defo hired him for his voice) and how tf did he just poof + escape? and what did he request???

-love bess's white hair bow here 😌+ her jacket, whole outfit on point as usual

-like how bess is right that nancy has to find her way out but thats kind of a nonstarter for a room full of panicked people wanting to help

-in the Good Place theres no bad blood between drews + hudsons bc nancy is really theirs

-"the only one who has the key is you" in the Good Place nancy has the key (smaller picture, to finding out what happened to lucy but bigger picture, post-reveal) but ryan has the clues nancy needs- following the Good Place's mirroring, this just means that in reality ryan will either be completely useless or an active hindrance (but you KNOW this is a dream bc in what universe would ryan remember clues like that 😂)

-so in a perfect universe ryan acknowledges his family's "criminal empire" as opposed to reality where he only makes under cover jabs about disengaging with being an "entitled corrupt legacy criminal" ie finding the bonny scot relics but does nothing about them, etc

-"strippers" 😂

-okay what is nancys obsession w her beanie?? bc her mom made it? "wear beanies do crimes?" idk

-making the call: nancy -unable to make up for lost time/both her mothers had to find out/suffer alone / in the Good Place nancy was able to be with kate while she called, and in reality she had carson; somethig about seeing the mother looking to the daughter for strength in the Good Place instead of the reverse (which is what reality sounded like, kate being strong for nancy through the illness despite the struggle)

-concept: nancy & nick "let's wait out the storm"

-"i believe that you believe it" nick in the Good Place + owen in reality both trust nancy when she says she's seen things (owen's is the teeth) but nick in reality (and not really knowing details) doesnt think much of their "moment" bc it wasnt real (so she had to leave the Good Place to save carson- but if she had known then he wasnt her real dad, would she have stayed to be w nick?)

-stranger - suede james 💙👌🏻

-"really anxious as a kid" v telling bc of her desire to know everything to remain in control of situations like she always does now

-"the medicine or the metaphysics?"/"you cannot beat supernatural with science"

-i love nancy playing with her pinky while saying goodbye 🥺

-"always seek out the truth even if it hurts" this is straight irony bc kate never told nancy anything. like does that include the truth about nancys parentage? they taught her to seek out the truth, but who taught her that the truth is the only thing to live by? ie things dont count anymore like carson and kate straight up raising her is tossed out bc she finds out its not "the truth" like all that work/stress to protect carson + she just drops him? with kate maybe shes just upset thst she spent all that time mourning for someone who lied. and would she do the same to ryan if needed? probably

-bess and ace head tilt 💙

-like how for all the time she spent there nancy only has a subconscious memory of blue curtains

-YESSSSS i LOVEthese beautiful overhead shots of hannah's hands. so out of character for the show lmao but so gorgeous

-i feel like future eps/grand future will be nancy going through the lock boxes to help people who asked hannah for help

-the video is officially dated Aug 22, 2019

-soooooo in the first ep nancy breaks into the hudsons house and finds tiffanys secret drawer w the nail polish and finds the amulet with a note that says "for your protection HG" yet on this video tiffany says she talked to a medium who gave her the amulet sooooo am i just confused? HG is hannah gruen obvi so is the address for the medium what hannah gave her? or was the address on the amulet which nancy dissolved in salt water to see? so how would tiffany know where to go? its chicken and the egg which came first hannah or the medium?

and lastly:

i close these two eps with a thought that everything in this show is sealed in death. all the lies, the imagery, the fake constructs people put up to get by all crumple the second someone dies- all the secrets come clean just like these doors have been unsealed.

[urmomification]

SWAG ANOTHER DREAM SMP AU FIC IDEA THAT ILL NEVER WRITE POG

this is a very long post please im so sorry my brain it just

(tw for like slight possession n shit)

(sorry its all jumbled i write all of these in discord to my friend and copy paste them here please if u have questions ask me im always willing to talk abt this shit please it haunts me)

(context: i saw a tiktok abt the hc that both dream and techno are gods of some sort bc theyre mentioned in the tales of the smp by karl a time traveller and my brain just ran w it)

going back to the techno and dream are gods thing right so dream is a vessel for the god dream xd (??? work in progress youll know what im talking about at some point its really funny tho uve def seen clips of it) and he was possessed?? by the god after the server started (when he started going from super friendly with everyone to control/power hungry) when he started sacrificing everything for power so no one could have power over him? that was the god making him do it bc the god was terrified of not being in control since theyd lost it all to techno in their past. thats why we never see dream and techno fight and why we see dream extend help and support to him at times as well as respecting his boundaries and such bc theyre scared of techno (again w the best of 10 duel reference, techno killed the god in a past life which is why the god has been forced to use a human vessel to get anything done on the mortal plane) but when something that powerful spends pretty much any amount of time in something mortal and mundane like a person, the host body starts to change (hence the mask) i like to think that the god would be akin to that of a biblically correct angel?? like the ones w multiple eyes n shit yk so after time things start to happen to normal dreams body he gets extra sets of eyes and he gets taller and overall his body seems just Too Small for whatevers inside of him and thats why he (hc) started wearing the mask in the first place he knew something was wrong w him but he didnt want anyone to know even tho they would most likely help him he was ashamed that he was different in the first place so he started wearing the mask once the other eyes showed up. and i think that the god would talk to dream similarly to how technos voices work yk? except its just the one voice instead of many many small ones. and again with the mask thing when he lost to tommy and they took him in, part of his mask broke to the point where u could see just a bit of the right side of his face but enough to see that it Wasnt Right there were two eyes where there shouldve been one and spots on his cheeks bright enough to resemble stars and where the color of his pupil should have been is just a sickeningly neon green with nothing else behind it. so they let him keep the mask even tho they already know something is wrong but it clearly makes him Very Distressed when asked to remove the mask or told to give it up. blah blah blah god harassing its host bc it got them caught and thrown in a prison and dream goes ever so slightly insane having to share a mind and body with a literal ancient god w a vendetta against everything hes built whos forced him to sacrifice everything he loved and cared for out of fear yk the usual prison shit and then techno comes a long and breaks him out or whatever but on their way back to his house he drops a really cryptic line abt how 'its nice to see an old friend again' and 'i thought i got rid of u for good last time' and dream is just ???? what are u talking about?? weve never been friends and youve never gotten rid of me? what. until techno spins around and just 'im not talking to you im talking to the thing inside u' or whatever and dreams eyes flash some brilliant gold or sumn and boom this is ur fellow god speaking how may i help you and dream xd (that feels so wrong to say but) and techno bond or well ig just talk abt how the past centuries have gone and ig while xd is fronting (??? i think itd kinda be like DID in a sense w multiple people being able to front yk?) dream is in a sort of semi conscious state but still hears everything going on around his own body until hes thrown back into the drivers seat (i think that xd would only be able to front for short periods of time due to the vessel n shit that makes sense right) and hes so confused someone please help him hes just a dude who happened to get possessed by a god someone help him so when they finally get back to technos house he sits dream down and explains the best he can without literally melting dreams brain. which would also play into the 'technoblade never dies' bc hes. literally a god. mortals cant kill him unless they have idk some sort of super weapon idk and blah blah blah xd gets what they want and finally has the ability to leave finally leaving dream literally the shell of a man with no home friends materials or anything with techno to basically take care of him until he reaches some semblance of stability again (which would take ages, realistically (wdym realistically) going from normal, to a god sharing a body with you and speaking in you brain living as a single being together and hearing their thoughts, to back to normal but with all the memories of what you did and what they made you do and also no more god speaking in ur head it would take a hot sec to recover from) so he lives with techno (whos, not to mention, another god) for a while until he can fend for himself again and after a good year or so passes and no one hears from dream they start to look for him and see what happened bc he went from the biggest threat on the server to just. gone. no one knows where he went after whatever he did and they want closure. is he dead?? who knows. so george and sap set out looking for him and decide to ask techno for help since hes good w directions n shit also he was the last person to see dream alive so he might have an idea of where he is and they walk up to his house and knock on his door and techno opens it and just stares at them he knows who they are, dreams talked about them before but hes never met them really so he talks to them, getting through the polite hellos how are yous before sap finally asks 'do you know what happened to dream? no one knows where he went and we just want closure' techno huffs and tells them to wait there he (this is the basement door im using his arctic tundra house in my head) goes down the ladder to the second basement, they can hear him talking to multiple people (ranboo phil dream) but cant tell who everyone is before coming back up the ladder, back to the door. he tells them to wait outside he needs to get something first (its dream hes getting dream) theyre standing out by carls stable when the door creaks open and dream steps out looking around for who the fuck could possibly be looking for them he betrayed everyone and most people thought he was dead who could possibly be here asking for himself and not ranboo or philza and when he steps out, his green hoodie (memento made by ranboo to help him cope w the loss of the voice in his head) catching the morning light off the snow and he was happy and then he saw them standing by the house hed grown to call home at least for now he breaks. he missed them so so much it hurt. he never expected to see them ever again much less them come looking to see him but hes scared he realizes he doesnt know what to say there is nothing to say he fucked them all over he ruined everything and then hes being hugged. they missed him too. they dont forgive him jsut yet but they missed him and thats enough for him right now. the three of them stand there just being in each others presences and techno creaks the door open to make sure they arent trying to kill each other and sighs and leans against the frame smiling. hes happy again and thats the best he can do for him. he invites them all in and offers to explain everything to them to try and ease the blame off of dream bc in all honesty it was his fault but xd made it far far worse that it should have been (a bit late but foot note abt xd i think that they would be an idle god until someone w intense feelings of powerlessness and insecurity like awoke them from their techno induced slumber and inhabited dream to help him fulfill his desires for power and control) and by the time he and dream are finished its late at night and sap and george are ??? so u were possessed by a god who techno killed centuries ago in a duel and it amplified ur feelings of insecurity and ur thirst for control to the point of isolating urself from us and destroying everything everyone cared abt?? also technos an ancient god who lusts for bloodshed but also makes turtle farms in his free time?? are we getting this right????? and techno and dream are just yea thats abt it glad this all made sense then they all go to bed (its a small house dream has a lil shack like ranboos and sap and george somehow slept over there for the night) and in the morning sap and george leave again but promise to come back, they still arent ready to forgive and forget bc even tho it wasnt all his fault his emotions getting away from him is what caused this all in the first place so they do need time to process now that they know he isnt dead and dream continues to live near techno in almost full independence and eventually moves back with his friends even tho many still hate him. hes happy and for now thats enough. another foot note; even after xd leaves his being, he still has the extra eyes, glowy freckles n is xtra tall n shit that cant just be reversed but now that hes himself again these things take their tolls on human bodies so i think hed have something at least similar to arthritis bc of how his bones were literally manipulated bc of how strong ethereal magic or whatever is. so he would still wear the broken mask but he takes it off now and is ok with it being off hes working on getting better now that hes himself again and everyone living w/by techno is helping him with that. also i think that he would get blinks of xd's memories like from when techno was killing them and have sumn like ptsd panic attacks from it and techno feels super guilty abt it but theres literally nothing he can do except apologize and after the first few times dream stopped him from apologizing bc it is his fault but he didnt do it to him so it doesnt matter to dream at least and they live in pretty much harmony until dream finally moves back in w george and sap the end. he also started wearing the mask in the first place bc of the extra eyes but he played it off as being uncomfortable around new people and not wanting them to know what he looked like until he trusted them (bc that literally makes sense irl how funky is that) so sap and george never pushed him and when they caught him without it on on the rare occasion they wouldnt pressure him to leave it off or anything even tho they already knew what he looked like (when they respect ur boundaries </3) they just assumed that it was insecurity (it was but also mans had like 3 eyes so) and just left him alone

[hajimine]

to the coolest person alive,

i think youre gonna see this in the morning or afternoon so good morning!! or afternoon idk ✋🏼 BESTIE IM WATCHING JJK ALREADY 😻 im on ep 14 now,, i started today 🚶🏻‍♀️ idk if im gonna watch it now or tomorrow tho. to keep the diary entry short, my day was very shitty bc of my toxic family 😻😻 but it was fine ig i had some ✨alone time✨ to straight up binge jjk and distract me 😼 lex please can you yell at me to not fall for every 3rd character i see I AM OBSESSED WITH SOME OF THEM ALREADY IT AINT HEALTHY 🏃🏻‍♀️ i lowkey saw that coming but still <3 lemme drink water real quick i sadly didnt drink much due to this whole ass day LMAO WHY DO I SOUND SO DEPRESSED PLSJDKDJ ✋🏼 MAYBE bc i am,, hey god, its me again 😻🚶🏻‍♀️ i hope i can finish it tomorrow or at least on friday, idk if im gonna try to watch banana fish in the holidays too 👁👁 i need to get my heart broken its been a while <3 actually its only been a few days- not the point tho. also, yes i do think people see our convos and shake their heads JSHSKD 🤝🏼 honestly who wouldn't if they saw our whole ass paragraphs every time BUT I AM HERE FOR THEM ❗ pls this whole essay this time is a EXTRA mess. also!! i hope you're gonna drink water and eat something!! 😌 other than that, do you have any plans for the day? // or if youre gonna answer this later, what did you do today bestie? 🤲🏻 the amount of times ive said "bestie i cant do this today" while talking to myself in the last 48h 😻 anyways, i think that was enough for today and for your sexy ass to read ugh 😫✋🏼 sending u hugs and kith rn, u deserve them!!! 😠 mwah, ilyvm <33

love,

🐉 anon <3

to my darling 🐉 anon,

hellurr good evening my love 😻 STOPPP im... still on ep 15 ☝️🥲 i haven’t had the time to pick it back up yet smh </3 but how are u liking it so far tho? oh bubs :( im sorry u had a shitty day, i hope tmr will be better for u babes <3 they suck ass and u deserve better 👿‼️ but hhhh we can talk abt sth else if you want,, who’s your fave so far?? or fave(s) i suppose 😯 ITS OK all of em are so pretty i feel ya!! bestie u better be drinking more water rn, ily kay? and cheers to using humor to cope lmao 🏃🏻‍♀️💨 wait omg i havent watched banana fish yet smh. is it good?? i also wanna watch that other sad one,, your lie in april?? im not sure what it’s called but i wanna binge all the heart wrenching animes on my sem break later 😁 and also jjk bc im so behind dammit 😞💔 well they can just sit back and observe while we pour our hearts out in long ass paragraphs,, it’s okay 😴 mm im doing good today hottie!! i tried doing manga colorings for the first time ever and i love them sm?? i wanna do it properly but i dont wanna have to use photoshop ghhh but look at lil kindaichi in my pfp omg (it looks kinda messy im ngl but u cant see it in the lil pic so we’re good 😋) i don’t have much plans for the weekend,, i’m probably gonna study some more later 😞 hbu tho!! how are u today? do u have anything fun planned for the long weekend? any events going on (if u do celebrate that is)? i hope you’re doing better today sexy 😠 don’t forget to eat lots of good food and drink lots of h2o,, also sidenote, aside from your jjk faves, who’s your fave in hq? :0 (also p.s. i have to actually sit down and formulate an essay back to u whenever we talk so im sorry for taking so long to reply help 😭😭) ily more angel you’re the coolest and the sexiest person in the universe 🤞🏼😫 lots of xo’s for u bebe mwah!! <33

from your beloved tumblr user,

lexus 😽

[extreme-technicality]

i read ur entire ninjago post and now im lowkey invested,,, tell me abt ur daughter rumi

*evil laughter* yesssss, join meeeeee~~~

OKAY BUT MY EVIL DAUGHTER RUMI THO

She has like, fairly good motivations for Being Evil (as far as evil backstories go), and honestly if the writers had LET HER LIVE it could’ve been SO interesting, but I’m getting ahead of myself lmao. She was orphaned off-screen at the end of s1, and got adopted by the Ninjago Royal Family shortly after (why does ninjago have a royal family? who fucking cares lmao). BUT, she grew up hating the ninja because she blames them for her parents deaths. And since Garmadon was the one who actually killed the thing that killed her parents, he’s the only acceptable parental substitute in her mind. Basically, this poor girl has a lot of unprocessed grief and trauma and is coping as best she can - well, ish. She was actively choosing to manipulate literally everyone around her and attempting to bring back Lord Garmadon in his most evil form in order to enact her vengeance against the ninja specifically, but some people do that to COPE

And when I say she was manipulating everyone, I mean she was manipulating EVERYONE. Her parents, the staff, the other ninja - she played Lloyd like a fiddle at the start of s8, and the first hint we got was when she and Lloyd were having their heart-to-heart in s8e2(? I think). They were bonding over the stresses of their positions as leaders and the various masks they’ve had to wear and lay down, and Rumi mentions she has to spend most of her days in a mask. On the first watch, I took it at pretty much face value - she’s a princess, there’s a certain image and reputation she has to maintain, the mask she has to wear, and yeah maybe she likes girls instead of guys and that’s one more thing hidden under a mask, yknow? But once you find out that she’s SPEARHEADING the evil organization working to resurrect Garmadon, THAT CONVERSATION HAS SO MUCH MORE DEPTH!!!!! Honestly, the Rumi reveal is the best ninjago twist (imo) because it’s ASTONISHINGLY well-written!! There’s a few signs in the episodes leading up to the reveal, but they’re so subtle that unless you knew what you were looking for you wouldn’t see them!!!!!!! AND THEN THE DELIGHT ON HER FACE WHEN SHE COULD FINALLY SHED THE LAST OF HER MASKS AND WORK TO BRING GARMADON BACK AND HATE THE NINJA, LLOYD INCLUDED, OPENLY??? ABSOLUTELY UNMATCHED, MY BOY LLOYD WAS GETTING HIS HEART SHATTERED AND I FELT FOR HIM BUT ALSO SHE BECAME MY DAUGHTER IN THAT MOMENT AND SHE STILL IS

Also, there’s a lot about masks in the season - the monologuing from Rumi, plus the macguffins of the arc are three Oni masks: the Mask of Delusion, the Mask of Rage, and the Mask of Vengeance. The moment Rumi unmasks herself is also the moment she takes the Mask of Vengeance for herself, and if I had more brain power I would ABSOLUTELY analyze the FUCK out of that symbolism but I CANT RIGHT NOW AND AAAAAAAAAA

anyway lmao

Another thing I really liked was that Lloyd pointed out that she had a support network available to her, if she wanted it - doubtless the Emperor and Empress of ninjago could’ve gotten her therapy, she was in a stable environment, there were a NUMBER of people who loved and wanted to help her, but she CHOSE to stay rooted in her pain and trauma. She still deserved help!! But her ACTIONS were the problem, because she CHOSE those willingly, and the narrative points that out.

Regardless, she brings Garmadon back and he’s evil and heartless and they’re a perfect pair, honestly, he adopts her in a fashion during s9 and honestly it’s kinda sweet. I CRAVE fics where she lived and disappeared with her gf and Garmadon after s10 and they kinda fuck off for a bit, healing and becoming a Family (that does crime together on the weekend but shhhh) until Lloyd and the other ninja find them and go “oh hey ur our family too now, deal with it 😎”. UN FUCKING FORTUNATELY, she died and I’m high key mad about it!!!! Picture this: Lloyd and Garmadon are having another city-destroying fight, and Rumi goes “fuck this shit I’m OUT” and dips. She’s going through a building and comes across a family going through the exact same situation that resulted in her parents dying and her path to vengeance. She opts to save that family, and she gets a fucking BUILDING collapsed on her in thanks!!!! BRO OKAY LIKE I GET THE SYMBOLISM THEY WERE GOING FOR, BREAK THE CYCLE AND END VENGEANCE OR WHATEVER, BUT IT WOULDVE BEEN SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL IF SHE HAD SAVED THE PARENTS, THAT LITTLE GIRL, AND HERSELF IN THE PROCESS!!!! SHE GETS THEM OUT, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE DIED, TURNS UP AT THE END OF THE SEASON AND GOES TO THERAPY, SURVIVES S10 AND THEN FUCKS OFF WITH GARMADON TO REMEMBER HOW TO BE A FAMILY!!!!! IM GOING FERAL THINKING ABOUT WHAT RUMI COULDVE BEEN BRO!!!! SHE WAS ALREADY SO GOOD AND THEN THEY JUST!!! DROPPED HER!!!!!!!!!! AND I DONT THINK IM EVER GONNA NOT BE MAD ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EVIL DAUGHTER DESERVED BETTER AND I WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ESPECIALLY since just about every season after she dies, there’s SOME reference to how hurt Lloyd is that she’s gone, or how badly she fucked him up, and basically just dragging out that fake forced romance longer than it kinda should’ve been dragged out. Literally none of that matters!!!! Or, it does, but not NEARLY as much as Rumi’s squandered potential matters!!!! And honestly I just think it would’ve been a much better dynamic if Lloyd and Rumi had gone from “hey I thought we were dating but you tried to kill me” and “I hate your fucking guts and blame you for the deaths of my parents :)” to “siblings who irritate the CRAP out of each other but are low key ride-or-die”. Let them be SIBLINGS for fucks SAKE

Oh I didn’t really talk about her gf did I?? Well one of Rumi’s underlings is a punk biker named UltraViolet and like, none of it was TEXT, but Rumi and UltraViolet DEFINITELY had something going on. I choose to interpret it as evil lesbians because I think it’s what they deserve, but that’s just me lmao (and I’m right)

Ooh no WAIT, UltraViolet got yeeted to prison post-s9, and honestly if Rumi has lived I think she would’ve faced the same fate (still, she needs therapy at SOME point), so in my personal canon the first thing Garmadon does after fucking off post-s10 is he busts Rumi and UV out of jail and then they like. Idk. Travel or something. Discover the meaning of family. Go to therapy together (how many times can I say therapy in a single post??? Let’s Find Out). Fucking LIVE dude, I just want them to be HAPPY

[thewritingginger]

Fluff Alphabet - Mammon

Thank you Anon fo your request you are actually my first request :3

And I’m really glad you enjoyed the one I did for Beelzebub, I hope that you like this one just as much too. ^_^

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A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

- Loves window shopping with his s/o 

- Many dates have consisted of walks around the mall or different pop up shops 

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

- He admires their wallet their adventurousness, likes that they are willing to go along with his wild/stupid ideas and loves him even if it fails.

- He thinks your heart is the most beautiful thing about you, everyday he wakes up still bit surprised that you had found a spot for him in your heart that will never go away.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

- Doesn’t know what to do when he sees you crying but just defaults to asking you what's wrong and cuddle you till you’re ready to talk abut it.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

- He wants a well paying job so he can afford the things he wants but also so he can support you and your future family.

- Doesn’t want you or his future kid(s) to worry about financial stability.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

- He thinks he’s the dominant one in the relationship. We’ll just leave it at that 😂

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

- Very pouty 

- You kinda have to amp him back up to not be 

- but will forgive even if reluctantly especially if he is in the wrong 

- Might be a bit embarrassed to apologize 

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

- He didn’t realize how much he needs his s/o in his life until there was one fight they had that ended up with his s/o storming out with out saying anything

- He made sure that he showed how much he loves and appreciates his s/o after that

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

-  He’s quicker to share or more so boast about things to you 

- Now the more embarrassing things make him more reluctant 

- And if you confront him about something you'll know the truth cuz he’s not a great lier.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

- His s/o kinda helped him become more honest, his record to stealing/ attempting to steal has decreased (not interlay well cuz ... it mammon we are talking about).

- Made him want to work harder to be the man you deserve.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

- The easiest out the brothers to get jealous

- Be one to wrap his arm around you

- Will be mouthy to the person hitting on or talking to you, but more of a bicker than fighting unless comes to that point

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

- Was questionable at first, during the first kiss b/w he and his partner he when in being confident but his true feelings of anxiety and nervousness poked its head out when he accidentally head butted his s/o coming in for the kiss.

- Once the first kiss was done his usual cocky self returned and denied the head budding ever happened. 

- Is a good kisser 

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

- A blushing mess

- Still trying to be cool but just ends up making him more flustered 

- Mammon would try and bring it up in a casual, nonchalant way 

- Just slipping it into conversation while you guys were alone

- “Heh, wouldn’t it be crazy if I loved you?” he scratches behind his neck nervously.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

- Didn't think he would ever get married, “Why would I want to give someone half my money” 

- But that seemed to begin to shift when his love between him and his s/o began to grow and became a bigger part of his life.

- He proposes acting like he's doing you a favor “ Hey, so asking this is gonna seem bit redundant because the answer is pretty obvious but wanna marry me? I mean why wouldn't you, The Mammon is offering to share your life with him.” 

- Even tho he said that, you knew what he was really feeling but was too embarrasses to be ask in a mushy way.

- Marriage w/ mammon is not bad but in the beginning finances and budgeting was a constant discussion but after the first year him and you have figured out a balance you can work with for the most part.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

- Nicknames you have for him: Mam, | Dough boy (dough as in money huh?),| Mr. Money Bags (used to tease him mostly, says he hates it but secretly doesn't), |

- Nicknames he has for you: Babygirl | Babe | My ‘Lucky Charm’ |Goldie 2.0, |

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

- Very tsundere 

- Will say he does stuff for you cause you made a pack with him first and he doesn't trust his other brothers to do it right for you cause he’s “the best at everything.” 

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

- In the beginning he would be a bit shy, playing it off as “well I just don't want to make you guys feel jealous.” and such 

- Once the relationship isn't so fresh he is more relaxed in the act of PDA 

- Not making out on the dance floor kinda relaxed but just Having his arm around you, kissing you a bit in a semi private area.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship. 

- The ability to get into shit but somehow able to make it out of it relatively fine

- IDK I really couldn't think of anything 😅 what do you think?

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

- On a scale from 1-10, Mammon would be clocking in at about a high 3 low 4

- It’s not that he doesn't think to be romantic, it’s just that he doesn't really know what to do (not really his strong suit)

- When. he tries to be suave and romantic he usually will mess up and break something or fall, which in turn will make you laugh 

- When you do he’ll get all blushy and pouty about it but then you kiss him and it is suddenly like it never happened OR like he meant to do that on purpose (we all know he usually doesn't)

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

- Of course he believes in them and they “will defiantly be able to achieve their goals with The Mammon on their side”

- But really, he does support them and tries to help as best he can even tho it doesn’t always turn out right, but his heart is in the right place.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

- Likes to try new things 

- It keeps things interesting

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

- Mammon jokes around a lot and cracks jokes but when it really counts he does try to understand to the best of his ability 

- Sometimes he doesn’t get it but he’ll just try and be there anyways.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

- His s/o really ended up being more important to him than he initially thought would be possible.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

- One time when you and mammon were basking in the afterglow of lovemaking, with your arms wrapped around his torso, his fingers gently playing with your soft locks. Your rhythmic breathing slowly rocking him to sleep, he professes “I wouldn't trade you for all the money in the world! I don't know how a guy like me got you.” Your heart swelled hearing those touching words. Gripping him tighter, you pressing a tender kiss on his chest before drifting off to sleep filled with content.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

- Very affectionate borderline clingy sometimes, loves being tangled up with you in bed talking or watching a movie 

- Never in front of others, especially his brothers so he doesn't get ragged on

- In front of his brothers he just plays it cool, will put his arm around your shoulder, might kiss your cheek or neck

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

- He may not want to admit it but he is a bit needy at times 

- He’ll send them messages “I’m bored, when are you coming back to entertain me?” “How much longer till you’re back?” 

- Any time his brothers or others ask if he misses his s/o he just shrugs it off, but secretly not so hidden secret really misses them and cant wait to envelop them.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

- Before his you Mammon didn't really prioritize relationships, they were just there when he was bored/ needed to be around others that art his bros

- But you, you were different 

- Surprisingly to him you ended up being a person he would give everything for, even his precious Goldie He would cut that bitch in half.

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Thank you for reading my work, hopefully it was at least a bit enjoyable.

To anyone that is reading this I hope you have an amazing day!

And if you have any suggestions of what I should write next just shoot me a message and ill try my best :3 

  💛 ~

[theworldsoul]

Okay so basically... lets talk.

I should've seen this coming. I should've known that after such a long period of happiness, something would give.

I went to pick up my glasses from the dinner table today, because that's where I left them. When I put them on... they wouldnt stay on. I checked and they were missing the two plastic parts that hold the glasses up and still on my nose.

I check the table for them, and I dont find them. Then I ask, like hey, did any of yall touch my glasses? Both the plastic things are missing. My dad IMMEDIATELY assumes that I took them off ON PURPOSE. For some reason. And I tell him no, i didnt touch them, all I remember is picking them up from the table and seeing the plastic bits missing.

Then I spend like an hour telling them no, I didnt break my own glasses, I FOUND them that way. And my dad is like mocking me, going "u always say 'I didnt do it!!!' Like you never do anything huh? I guess you're just perfect." And I'm like... BUT I ACTUALY DIDNT DO IT!!!!???!? and hes like "you never take responsibility for anything, blah blah, you're so fucking stupid, you act like a four year old, stop fucking crying, how dare you ask us if we know what happened, why are you trying to blame us, you obviously did it on purpose and now you're acting all surprised.." and I'm just sitting there. Taking it. Thinking to myself... wow. They automatically assumed the worst in me. And THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS OFTEN!!! I get blamed for shit I didnt do all the fuckign time.

So I'm just. Crying. Because theres a certain amount of verbal abuse i can take and it's not very much. I'm being interrogated. And its distressing, because I cant PROVE that I didnt do it on.purpose, because i GENUINELY DONT REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED!!! so they just get to assume that i broke my own glasses.

Why would my dad jump to that conclusion so quickly? Simple answer: he literally hates me. He holds back, I know, but hes done this before and he'll do it again, hes shown and said what he REALLY THINKS and he'll say it again and do it again and again and again because his mask is slipping. I dont know what I did to make him hate me but he does. That's just how it is. I can't change that. Man, my parents behave like children.

Anwyays so I'm just very upset, in distress, crying really hard, trying not to say too much so I dont make them angrier but also always telling the truth, which is that I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DONT REMEBER ANYTHING HAPPENEING TO THE GLASSES!!

He asks me, who did it then? I say I dont know but it wasnt me. He said who then, if not you. I said I dont know. He didnt believe me!!!

I hate when I tell the truth and people dont believe it. Like... this is the truth. I have nothing more to offer you. Take what little I give, cos it's my fucking blood.

Anyways in the meantime my mom is checking, looking for the plastic bits. She finds them in my coat pocket.

I am proven innocent. At what cost? Well, now I'm shaking, curled up into a ball, crying, and in actual pain. My brain cant handle so much pain so it transfers it to physical pain. So there I am. A fucking kid. Who's been punished for somehting he didn't do. And theres the proof.

My dad fixed the glasses. Left me there on the couch, still trembling. Gave them to me in a case. Said I gotta be careful. I said thank you. Because, even if I'm upset, I gotta make sure other people dont get upset. He said sorry, but he said it in this huffy way that made it sound reluctant. Then he was like, I said sorry so stop crying.

He wanted a kiss on the cheek and I was gonna give him one because I dont want to seem like a dickhead, he DID apologize... and if you dont accept my dads apologies and move on and pretend that the word "sorry" fixes everything, he gets even more angry and i REALLY dont want to deal with him guilt ripping me over it. So I lean in for a little kiss and... I cant. I cant do it. My face crinkles up all ugly and I start crying hysterically every time I get close. I try a few times but I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of like... oh god. I felt so hurt. Like a scared little rabbit. Oh shit, I was fucking scared. I couldnt do it. It made me feel disgusted.

I said, later I'll do it.

I dont know why he thinks he can hurt me so bad and make me cry, then give some shitty apology and expect me to change my mood entirely and go back to being all happy. That's not how it works. If you hurt someone, they stay hurt. Your shitty little word, "sorry", doesnt make me feel any better and doesnt fix any of the damage.... but I have to pretend like it does because if I dont you get mad, and you say I'm mean for not accepting the apology,,,

Later on, he did come for a kiss again. I was in my room, pretending to be busy so he would ignore me but he didnt. This time, I didnt kiss him but I allowed him to kiss me. I just... I couldnt kiss him. I was holding back tears, and i knew if i tried to kiss him i would start crying all over again and make him upset or angry. So I just sorta... let him kiss me on my forehead. Then I went to the bathroom fast as I could, acting like I had to brush my teeth.

I locked the door, sank to my knees, and cried. Hard.

I just wish that I had a dad who loved me, or who knew how to love me... or who I knew loved me, a dad who knew what he was doing, so I didnt have to debate if he loved me or not in my head.

God. I feel so small. Like I literally feel like a little kid right now. Fucking hell. Looks like tonight I'll be indulging in my delusions, playing pretend.

It's sad that my parents fuck me up, but its sadder that afterwards I dont have anyone to comfort me and help heal me.... only myself and whoever I bring to life in my imagination.

Sometimes when I get overly upset, when I'm pushed to the edge like this, I begin to feel... a lot younger? Like shockingly younger. I'm not even the same dude anymore, I'm a fucking five year old all of a sudden. Which makes the situation even more scary and painful.

Just imagine like, a hurt scared little kid with no one to help him. He's tryna pick himself off the ground and hes telling himself "shhhhh... it'll be okay" that's me. That's literally me and it makes me feel so fucking BAD but its true.

I've been breaking down. Earlier in the day I had trouble on a quiz because I didn't know the definition of a word in a poem and I couldnt answer the question (does character A like character B?) And when I asked they said they couldnt tell me which was bullshit but whatever. Uhm so I got upset. Like, scarily upset. I gave up, wrote that i didnt want to do the question on the paper, guessed at half the answers, crumpled it up and threw it to the ground. Then I just... spaced out for the rest of class because I was STILL upset and fuck them.

At one point I left to go cry in the bathroom, but when i went in there, all the stalls were taken and there was a huge group of guys in there, like maybe ten people in there total, so I ran back out and was like fuck now what. Now I wait. I waited and nobody came out. I double checked and they were sitll there and I ran out again. I dashed to another bathroom down the hall hoping it was empty. I was blasting metal in my ears to try and drown out the FEELINGS, I hate feeling things. Got into a stall, slammed the door, started CRYING, sobbing, talking to myself, all of this with metal music blaring out of my headphones. I composed myself. When I went out of the stall I checked my eyeliner and it was... well, you could TELL I cried. I didnt bother with it tho, i just ran out of there.

Ugh and when I got back I kept doing the stim that usually evolves into literally hitting myself, so that was. Bad. At least this time I refrained from beating the shit outta my own left arm.

God.. I hope everyone who hurts me, everyone who ever fucking hurt me, feels GUILTY as all hell. I hope whatever being made me FEEL all these emotions so hard so strong so fast, ROTS. because nobody deserves to feel so intensely upset that they resort to the worst ways of coping. No one.

I'm just glad I didnt relapse. That's a positive.