#like shes gotten to breaking points where my depression and inertia and all gets to be too much and shes like MAYBE U DO NEED MEDS

[gonnabewell]

my mom told me that my fidgeting with this arcade ball (which ive been doing about 2 weeks now, basically since i realized id benefit from something to fidget with and found it in my room) is “starting to annoy her” and that i look like a freak... even tho im in my own home and i dont fidget so wildly with it in public. and i got really upset and basically immediately started tearing up and told her it’s really helping me and she apologized and i know she didnt mean it but what she said is just echoing in my head and im like. i just feel so stupid thinking that no one thought i was weird for it. my cousin and his gf basically suggested i get a fidget cube which i interpreted as nice of them that they weren’t treating me as weird, but i should’ve taken it as a sign that im clearly not being as discreet as i thought i was. and my dad told me it’s weird and that im “unhealthily attached” to it, but i brushed that off as him being stupid and explained 2 him that im clearly not emotionally attached 2 it but that it is a good replacement behavior for like biting my cheeks/lips or scratching my skin or tapping my leg which doesn’t release nearly as much restlessness. but anyway now i have big rsd over this even tho my mom basically retracted her statement immediately but im just so :(( because of course i can’t carry bouncy balls around my whole life! no matter how much it helps bc its just gonna b seen as weird

[cutegirlmayra]

I have a prompt! How about Amy thinking Blaze and Silver make a great couple (I'm thinking this is probably them in canon-verse where they're both amnesiacs about what happened in 06 but privately feel theres a connection between them/ but this could also be them as long-time buddy-pals if you want) and she's determined to be Silver's wing woman. Bonus points if Sonic and Amy place a bet that Amy can't get them together (you decide the terms :P)

(x This is a wallpaper)

If you’re wanting this ‘canon-wise’ I can try my best for Semi-Canon (In-character with slights au events) if you want? (But I can see Amy matchmaking lol)

Prompt:

Due to an abnormality in the ripples of dimensions, Silver journeyed to meet back up with his old Forces friends and met Blaze; who had recently been flung out of her dimension through a masked-menace that the team suspected was the cause of the abnormalities.

Amy had often been along Silver for various reasons in the researching area of the causes, and noticed how awfully friendly and calm the two were around one another… for a first meeting anyway.

“I’ve found some clues that I think might help.” Blaze folded her arms, angling herself a little away from the two.

Her tail flicked as Silver suddenly walked into the room while Amy was placing the footage she had taken into the computer.

“Wow! He’s able to open rifts so… effortlessly! What’s he’s planning on, anyway..?”

Blaze seemed momentarily distracted, her eyes searching his face as if trying to find meaning in her odd fascination with the white hedgehog. A persistent feeling of comradery kept nagging at her heart, but she disregarded it as Amy saw her—from the corner of her eye—turn away from gawking at him a moment with her scanning expression.

“He is rather elusive…” she stole another glance, curiosity and the strange feeling of warmth for him kept her better judgments out of the way.

“Yes…” Amy side-glanced a look at Silver, minding his own business, before holding back a smile and turning her sights on Blaze once more. “He is, isn’t he.”

She turned away as Silver walked by and up to see the footage. “Definitely has to be technology from my world.” His fists clenched, and Blaze’s eyes widened.

Why was this so… familiar? It’s like she knew his mannerisms by heart… She could play him out in her mind… but why?

“But why?”

When Silver suddenly voiced her thought, she looked away, a little unnerved.

Amy saw her tense avoidance, and pressed her lips together… tighter… as if jumping to assumptions…

“If he’s from my world… there isn’t a reason to cause such destruction in other worlds!” Tormented by the present conundrum at hand, Silver shook his head and placed a hand on it for a moment. He then shifted his eyes to Blaze, where he slowly looked up to her face.

She felt his presence piercing into her soul and shyly caught his observant glance.

The two immediately looked away, breaking eye-contact entirely and hurriedly moving on with tasks at hand.

“A-anyway,… I should look over these data charts more closely.” He scrambled to stack some papers Amy had printed out earlier. “I-I have to understand his connection to dimensional shifts and warping through these shifts into other worlds…” He stampeded, something he usually never did unless nervous.

‘But what was he nervous about?’ Amy couldn’t help but leak her restrained grin.

“Good work… Blaze.” Silver turned his back away once the papers were all together; messily… as they were, but together.

He looked slightly over his shoulder, keeping most of his face from her sight.

She also abruptly moved as if on cue with him, stiffly turning around and briskly heading for the door on a fast, marching walk.

“It’s nothing. I’ve been tracking for years. It’s just my duty. I feel embarrassed my skills aren’t what they used to be.” When he stopped… so did she. Holding her head down, she tried to also look over her shoulder but stopped herself.

A mutual quietness held then as if they both tried to break the time-deleted spell that had infused over them and crushed their memory of their extremely tight friendship.

Without it, they may have, in relief, embraced each other after so long being apart.

But in this moment, the feeling to embrace was adamant. But their memory? Gone.

It pulled so intensely, but the awkwardness of a ‘reunion moment’ they didn’t understand not only plagued their social etiquettes but also their minds and hearts…

They swarmed to find answers, but neither mind nor heart spoke out the answers they were seeking…

“…Good luck.” Silver finally broke the silence, giving up on hoping something would relieve him of his tug-o-war.

“… You too.”

The two held a minute longer. A silent plea for one last attempt at a reply from their being to make sense of this moment and feeling.

Nothing.

“I’ll try and collect more evidence. Amy.” Blaze nodded and looked ahead, trying to fixate her mind on other things.

Silver looked to the floor, as Amy heard the door shut and spun in her chair.

“Okay! Talk!” She excitedly held her hands out and shook them around. “What was THAT?!”

“W-what?” Startled from his depressing-feeling, he saw the papers fly everywhere around him. He held frozen as Amy watched, her excitement never dissipating, at all the papers slowly flapping down through the air.

“Oh, come on! You two clearly have some kind of a connection!”

“C-connection?” Innocent to her words, he suddenly took a more serious stance and hoped Amy would explain what she meant. “What do you mean, connection?”

An excited squee escaped Amy’s lips and she jumped up and down in her chair rhythmically. “I’ve always wanted to see two people falling in love!” She admitted out loud, then clasped her hands together and spun slowly once more in an interval within her chair, letting it do the work of inertia. “And now I see the spark firsthand!”

“The.. spark?” He suddenly realized her accusation and sprung upward, holding himself in the air as he used his powers to frantically avoid her and pick up the papers. “N-nonsense, Amy! T-that can’t be right!”

“Well~ What do you think it is!?” Amy giggled, hands on her lap as she wouldn’t be deterred from her speculation.

“…I had this strange feeling…” Silver looked up as if lost in his own thoughts… feeling he should be honest about it all.

Amy excitedly bounced her shoulders left and right. “Like you knew them all their life?” She dreamily lowered her eyelids as she watched him to say more.

“…Yes.”  Silver clutched the already formed stack in his hands as other papers flew into his hand. His face, far too serious for the topic Amy was thinking of. “Like… I could trust her. As if she was my… partner.”

He had thought Amy screeched, startled even further in the air when she leaped up and grabbed his floating feet.

“Like you’re walking on air!? HAHA!” she danced a moment, making him even more confused.

“N-no…” He reached out for her, before seeing his feet off the ground. “…Oh.” Seeing where she logically may have gotten that idea from, but not entirely what the phrase stands for, he lowered himself embarrassingly back to the floor, looking away.

“Amy, please. You’re making this out a little falsely here… I just felt like I’ve known her or something. Like… we were somehow… close.” He fiddled with the papers. “I can’t explain it… I haven’t met her in my dimension… so there’s no way I could know her… But…”

“But..?~” Amy twirled, slowing down and stopping to look back at him, arching her back like a lovesick looney.

He looked at her with the most tender and innocent eyes….

“I… This feels almost like I’ve missed someone… someone close to me… and had to let them go… only to be seeing them again.”

“…Awho.” Amy cooed, pressing her hands to her chest. She ran up to Silver, taking his arms since his hands were full.

“H-hey..” Silver, nervously, shook left and right to view her oddly placed hands, and then leaned away from her, one foot pulling back while the other tried to slide away.

“Then we’re both soldiers on our path!” She dramatically stated.

“S-soldiers?”

“I’ll help you, Silver! I’ll make sure you get a sweet moment with Blaze!” she then winked, “She’s a princess you know… you tiger!” she lightly threw a fist into his arm but it caused him to stumble.

“T-tiger?… Hold on, Amy… wait!” He was too slow.

Reaching for her, the door had already closed before he realized she didn’t understand him at all.

“I… Oh…” He lowered the hand in disappointment. “Please don’t put yourself out of the way to do something embarrassing… or worse,…. Make it awkward.” He shook his head, having the last of the papers and closing his eyes in a silent prayer for peace.

But Amy was anything BUT a casual gal…

She was an avid planner.

“And then I said I’d help.” Amy finished her plate as Sonic poked around his bowl, keeping his head down.

“And you’re sure he said that.” Sonic, in a bit of skeptical disbelief, looked up at her without moving his head.

“As sure you’re blue.” She quickly chimed back, lifting her head up and closing her eyes. “Now… how to get them alone together..?”

Sonic sighed and let his head drop, leaning up from the table. “Amy… Something tells me you shouldn’t meddle in his business.” Sonic ran his hands through his quills, already seeing Amy playing matchmaker.

“Ohh, but why not? He didn’t oppose…” She looked innocently away. “That’s basically begging me for help!”

“…You shouldn’t judge by those standards.” Sonic leaned back in the chair and dropped his hands, eyeing her a new one. “You should leave it be.” He finally stated.

“Ohhh! You’re no fun!” she popped the spoon into her mouth and tapped her foot, closing her eyes again. “Hmmmm…” she held a long tune before Sonic sighed softly, and then leaned forward to swipe the spoon out of her mouth.

“Ah! Hey!”

“I mean it.” He tossed it by her bowl, placing his arms on the table. “You already planned your whole life. Do you really have to plan everyone else's?” he smiled, teasing her, but still trying to make a point.

She thought a moment….

“Honestly, Sonic. I already told you.” She started, then leaned forward to speak directly to his face. “I’ve got the wedding down. You’ve just gotta show up and smile.” She beamed.

He immediately gave her a no-nonsense frown.

“���If the smile’s too much to ask for, I’ll just take you and those spit-shined red shoes.” She gestured her eyes down and smiled even more charmingly up to him.

He rolled his eyes, moving away.

He placed a hand under his head and leaned on it, lifting a leg up to his knee and letting it tap in the air.

He had given up trying…

Once her mind is set on something, nothing could change that.

“Silence means you’ll be there.~” Amy sprang a quiet tune as she stated that, turning away as if to mimic him but keeping her feet down.

“Now… a perfectly romantic and secluded spot… Ah-ha! I got it!” She slapped the table. “Sonic! I bet you by this time tonight, the two will be in each other’s arms!”

Sonic scoffed to the side. “Heh!”

“I mean it!” Amy gave him a pout back.

“Like nothin’ you will…” Sonic got up, smacking the table to give one last offensive-fighting words to her and her ‘plans’ before walking away.

“Hmmrh. Hmph!” Amy rose up. “If I do-!”

Sonic slowed his pace, turning his head to have his ear listen to whatever this next silliness was…

“..I-if I do, then… Then you’ll embrace me too!” She put her hands stiffly to the side.

“…Heh.” Sonic smirked, scoffing once again at her. “When pig’s fly, Amy.”

“Oh! Would you just-! It’s a bet then?” Amy put her hands to her hips. “That means you have to watch with me!” She shouted out a little louder than Sonic would have hoped.

He bent to his knees and hushed her, motioning his hands down respectively to do so, and looking to make sure no one was around. “Amy..! … ugh. Sure. If you get those lovebirds together, I’ll give you a lasting hug!” He said half-heartedly, still teasing her and flipping his arm out to show he had no faith it would work. “Going off of all your other schemed… planned dates alike, this won’t last more than a day!” He snickered under his breath, trying to make sure no one was listening to them. “Good luck, Amy.”

“Hmph, I’ll show him!” She gathered up their dishes. “I’ll show him that I can too make a perfect date!”

The time came and Blaze was told a special meeting about her latest information on the jumping-culprit needed further questioning and was making her way into the room.

Silver halted by the nicely set table, candles all lit with food already prepared in the pitch black room. “Umm…” He had gotten their moments before her.

She paused, surveyed the area, and then placed a hand on her hip. “A little fancy for a meeting… Did Amy set this up?”

“It… does seem to be her style.” Silver sweat-dropped awkwardly, before looking back at the table. “There seems to be only two chairs… wasn’t Amy attending?”

“Hmm… you’re right.” Blaze came a little more forward, standing beside him. “It would look like she was trying to set-up dinner, let alone a meeting.”

“I would have to confess that that decisive reasoning does seem more accurate…” He took a seat and then gestured for her to do the same. “Regardless of Amy’s fancies,… should we begin?”

“Hmm. Umm... Yes. We should discuss what needs to be clarified. At least… to the best of my abilities.” Blaze gracefully took her seat, as the two began to talk business.

“Ohhh! Why are they both so serious!?” Amy whispered through the crack of an adjacent door.

Sonic leaned on the wall, watching her hunch over and peek inside, and shaking his head as his arms came up in a shrug. “You’ve lost it, Amy. Spying on other people’s affairs… trying to start one… So, is this what you resort to when you’ve nothing else to do but wait for your ‘plans’ to work out for ya?” He adjusted his gloves, pulling them tighter before sticking a toe up and hunching down to mock her, thinking it funny.

“Shhsh! Not like you’re to blame.” She stuck her tongue out at him, and waved a hand for him to stop or come closer, he wasn’t sure which cue it was.

Rolling his eyes, he squatted down and shook his head. “I’m not one for butting in on other people’s affairs.” He seemed less than amused by this game.

“Shhh! Keep your voice down and get in here!” she was referring to him sticking his head to look in at the two.

Sonic just sighed but gave in to ‘proving her wrong’ and looked through the crack, moving under her frame, before narrowing his eyes. “They’re not embracing.” He bluntly stated.

“Look harder!” Amy nudged him and made him a little annoyed, leading to him moving away, standing upright, and peeking above her head.

“That’s incredible! With that kind of device replicated… we could track him through his dimensional jumps and stop him from corrupting each world’s order! To think… he couldn’t rule his own dimension… so he jumped into every other one and kicked the leading figure of authority out to claim his own greed… We’ll stop him!” Silver’s sense of justice came to him as he held up his fist.

“You sure get passionate about doing what’s right,… don’t you?” She smiled, tilting her head.

“…Uhh… I’ve always been like this… for as long as I can remember.” He grew self-conscious and placed his hands together, slouching a bit. “Silly, I know… but it’s who I am. I can’t let injustice go unpunished…”

“…I may not vocalize it,… but I agree with your sentiments.” She nodded to him, and the two held a look for a moment.

Immediately, Blaze’s eyes shifted and she looked away.

“..Blaze.. there’s something else I’d actually like to discuss with you about…” Silver held a grave tone, swallowing, and unsure how to go about this.

Blaze listened in, turning her attention back to him.

“Here we go!” Amy excitedly wagged her tail, which made Sonic look behind him, then look up as if the most ridiculous situation on earth was happening at this very moment, and he was being dragged into it.

He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes, moving away. “Ooookay, that’s enough eavesdropping.” He tried to pull her away. “Come on, Amy. Enough’s enough.”

“W-wait, wait! He’s about to say it!”

“Sure he is, Amy.”

“I’ve felt like this for a long time now…”

“……..”

Sonic released Amy, his eyes widened in a bit of perplexed shock.

“Silver?” Blaze tilted her head again and held an equally confused expression, not sure where he was getting at.

“… I’ve felt some form of… missing you. Like I’ve known you for a long time, though we’ve only recently met. I can predict what you’re about to do, what you’ll say… what you’re even thinking sometimes… At first, I thought it could be my abilities enhancing… but I can’t do that with other people. It’s just you. Strange as it sounds… and I know it sounds very… well, odd.. but hear me out, I’m-!”

“N-no! I… understand…” Blaze was amazed at how much emotion she just showed by reaching out and stopping him as he seemed to get flustered.

She moved away, turning to the edge of the table and looking down at the floor. “It’s like a longing… to greet an old friend again… But I have no idea where it sprung from. It’s just…”

They both looked at each other.

“…There.”

“…Could you say it?” He nodded lightly, “What… well, what I think you’re about to say.”

“….About what?” she knew exactly what he meant.

He smiled, letting some air go and release some tension from his body.

“About how much this looks like Amy thinking theirs something more between us.” He lightly chuckled at the fact.

“…Isn’t there?”

He blushed.

“B-but not in the way A-Amy was-!”

“Haha! Oh, Silver…” Her true personality came in at once, teasing him like this… it felt like a breath of fresh air as if she missed this…

He waited, anxious for her to say it.

“I know.” He admitted.

She got up, the same time as him.

“You’re so naïve.”

Silver, as fast as instinct, used his power to float the table away from blocking the two of them as they rushed into a long-awaited embrace.

“I don’t know why this feeling is here.” Silver admitted, holding her close as she dug her head into his shoulder, breathing heavily as to control her emotions.

“But I feel like… whatever it is… it shouldn’t be ignored any longer.”

“Heh.” she smiled wider. “I agree.”

Sonic’s jaw about hit the floor, taking everything they said in the wrong way.

Amy looked up to Sonic, both not realizing the erased memories of a long forgotten realm and adventure.

“Told ya.” She piped up, giddy as a bumblebee when Sonic moved her away from the door and held her tightly in a strong embrace.

“You weren’t kidding.” He huffed out a nervous chuckle. “But you have to admit, for a confession, that was weird.”

“Ohh~ Doesn’t that make it even better?” She turned her face to wiggle into his hold even deeper, crushing her arms against his back to pull him closer, making him sweatdrop again. “Let funny people have their weird, awkward moments together, Sonic! It’s what makes life worth living!”

“Ugh… I’m letting it happen, alright.” Sonic had already let her go, but with the hold Amy had him in, there was no way he was keeping this to a ‘brief’ moment…

(I enjoyed this story :)c Thanks for letting me do more of a canon-central story!)

[snickerl]

Blutendes Herz (Bleeding Heart)

XF fan fiction

Your eyes are glued to a couple walking a few yards ahead of you. It wasn’t your intention to follow them but you were pulled into their sphere against your will. The man’s arm rests on the woman’s shoulder and she has put hers around his waist. They are walking slowly, strolling at a leisurely pace through the streets, chatting with each other. The woman throws her head back every now and then, obviously laughing at something the man has told her. They are a nice couple, appearing to be in love. To an innocent bystander, they definitely look like a married couple, but you are no innocent bystander, and you know they aren’t married because the woman with the red hair dancing on her shoulders with every laugh that erupts from her throat is your wife.

She isn’t cheating on you, no. You never really were married, although to you it has only always felt as if you were. Even before you became involved, you saw your perfect other in her and couldn’t think of ever being without her again in your life. And when you finally mustered the guts to show her how much you loved her, you knew you were the luckiest son of a bitch when she smiled at you and told you she loved you too. But you screwed it up.

You aren’t living together anymore. One could say you’re separated, although you still don’t accept the feeling of being single. You haven’t been able to feel anything at all for quite a while, that’s what made her leave. Your indifference and unfeelingness were too much for her to take at a certain point. She tried so long to convince you to let yourself be treated for your illness but your avolition made you embrace the darkness evermore fiercely until she didn’t know what else to do. Eventually, she’d given up on you, on your relationship. On a cold, gray Sunday morning she packed her bags and left.

That was almost a year ago.

One wouldn’t say that you are alright now, but you’re definitely better. You started seeing a therapist who prescribed medication to take off one first thick layer of what had been suffocating your soul. You started working out again. Your lungs were burning during your first 5-mile run but the pain told you you were alive, so you continued. You started eating healthier, cutting order-in pizza out of your diet, throwing away the booze. You started going to bed before midnight, actually sleeping in your bed and not on the couch in the living room. The bed you made love to her in when things were still alright between you. The very same bed you left her alone in when everything was going wrong. Now, you’re doing all the things she wanted you to do, begged you to do for your own sake. You can’t explain why you didn’t listen to her while she was still around, why she had to leave for you to awake from your state of inertia. She was right with everything she proposed because you feel so much better now.

You actually feel so good that you’ve begun contemplating about rekindling your relationship with her. And the more you thought about it, the more you believed you would get her back if only you tried. When she left, she said, ‘I need a break,’ not ‘I don’t want to ever see you again.’ If she saw how hard you work for your recovery, how you’ve been following every single one of her doctor’s orders, she’d realize that despite everything, the both of you are meant for 'happily ever after’, you thought.

And then this.

Your Scully arm in arm with another man.

You’re such an idiot, Mulder! What have you been thinking?

That no other man on this planet would feel attracted to her? That her loveliness would go unnoticed by the remaining part of the male population? That she would never lay her eyes on someone else because she didn’t want to be with anyone but you? That she would renounce love forevermore?

“This is the restaurant you wanted to take me to?” you hear her familiar voice, and its melodic sound resounds in your ears.

You miss that voice. You miss it mumbling 'good morning’ into your ear on a Sunday morning or shouting 'put milk on the grocery list’ at you before she leaves the house for her shift at the hospital, but most of all you miss it crying out your name when you make love to her.

If you’re being honest, you have to admit that you didn’t make love to her at the end anymore. You fucked her, giving her what you thought she wanted, without feeling even a fraction of the overwhelming lust you used to feel for her. You noticed her stifled sobs when you got up and left the bed to spend the rest of the night on the couch, but you ignored them. In retrospect you ask yourself how you were possibly able to treat the woman who was everything to you so badly, how you could have been so mean to her, so cruel.

“That’s the one,” the man answers her cheerfully.

“That’s insane, Mark,” she replies, “that posh place is way too expensive.”

You know the man’s name now: Mark.

“It’s our three-month anniversary, my love. Let me spoil you.”

'My love’.

You swallow.

You never called her that. She was Scully to you, Dana in very rare cases. Others were irked by you calling each other by your last names, but for the two of you, it had always been a term of endearment. Nobody has ever called you Mulder like Scully did. Her pronunciation of your name, the way the two syllables rolled off her tongue made your acoustic nerves tingle in a way no 'honeybun’, 'darling’ or 'sweetheart’ would have ever done.

“You’re crazy, Mark,” you hear her say.

“Yes, crazy for you, my beautiful Dana.”

You can’t keep your eyes off him sighing those romantic words into her ear. The man, Mark, cranes his neck to place a kiss on her cheek but she pulls back, her demeanor suddenly less at ease. You squint your eyes and strain your ears from your hiding place behind a car.

“Sorry,” Mark pulls his hand away and throws it up in the air. “No syrupy flatteries, I know. What has gotten into me to call my girlfriend 'beautiful’?”

“I’m sorry,” she says, “I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m looking forward to dinner. I haven’t been to such a fancy place for a long time.”

Your stomach churns when he calls her his girlfriend and even more when you witness how she cups the man’s cheeks with both hands and places a gentle kiss on his mouth. You observe how it develops into a passionate kiss. French, for sure. You have to put your hand over your mouth to keep yourself from groaning loudly. You haven’t forgotten how soft her lips are, how good her kisses taste, and you envy the man who is enjoying these sensations right now in front of your eyes.

You resist the impact to jump up from behind the car and shout at him to get the hell his hands off of her. You realize you’re in no position to claim her as yours. Not anymore. You had your chance, but you messed it up. Your relationship was special, her trust in you infinite, as yours in her. You had a child together. A beautiful son. You will always be connected through him, as his birth parents, although he’s someone else’s son now.

The man pulls back after the kiss and catches some air. “Wow,” he exclaims, “if this is what I get for taking you out to dinner, I’ll do it on a daily basis from now on. I’ll take you out to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And probably also to a coffee break in the afternoon.”

You hear her give a laugh. A full, cheerful laugh. One she usually doesn’t give that often. At least not when she was with you.

“Well, breakfast in bed might do the same trick,” she says, and the innuendo in her voice makes you nauseous.

They are sleeping together. Of course. They are healthy adults, dating for three months, as you have learned a few moments ago. Only because you didn’t get your act together for seven years doesn’t mean every other man contents himself with yearning for her and with just fantasizing about making love to her. This guy seems to have been able to turn his fantasies into realities much faster than you did.

You catch yourself contemplating about their level of intimacy. Does he already know about how sensitive the hollows of her knees are? That she likes to be caressed behind her ear but not where her tattoo is? That she prefers to be the big spoon despite being the smaller person by far? 'Are you able to make her come several times a night like I did, Mark?’ you want to ask him.

You will never now, he isn’t answering your question. Instead, he tucks a loose strand of her hair behind her ear and strokes her cheek. “I’m a lucky man. I’m so glad you came to my agency when you needed that apartment. Who knows if we would have met otherwise.”

You feel bile rise up your throat. You literally pushed her into this man’s arms, you realize. He’s the fucking real estate agent she turned to when she was looking for a place of her own after she had left a house to you she actually owned. She alone had signed the papers back then because you feared it would expose you too much if you did too. If it wasn’t so damn sad, you would laugh at the irony of it all.

“It was kismet, my love. As if some extraterrestrial force led you to me.”

You hear her suck in her breath at the word 'extraterrestrial’, and so do you.

“What? You don’t believe in the existence of the extraterrestrial?”

You almost laugh at his question. If he only knew what kind of a hornet’s nest he’s stirring up with it.

“Well, I was taught to believe once,” she answers and the little smile you see on her face lets your heart beat faster.

“Taught? By who?”

There are hornets all over the place now. The anticipation of her answer is almost killing you.

“Uh, Mark, I never told you this. My prior relationship…it was…very special. We were together for more than 20 years, and the reason I was looking for an apartment when we met was that I had left him because I couldn’t deal with his severe depression anymore. He’s the one who taught me to believe. In many things. He taught me a lot.”

“You speak much more highly of your ex than I speak of mine. Caroline and I separated after years of marital problems. I left her when I found out she had been cheating on me for months.”

“We weren’t married and I didn’t really leave him, I…uhm, I only moved out of the house. I…I wouldn’t call him an ex.”

“Oh?”

The man straightens his back. You almost pity him. How is he to understand? Although you also marvel yourself at the meaning of her words, what they mean for you in particular.

“It’s not what you think. Mark. I haven’t seen or talked to him in almost a year. Since the day I left, actually. I call him once in a while, to make sure he takes care of himself, but he never answers the phone.”

“You worry about him.”

“He’s sick. Depression is a serious illness, and he has a tendency to embrace the darkness. I’m a medical doctor, have been his for years and years. I couldn’t just leave him on his own. I would never forgive myself if my leaving were the reason for him to sink even deeper into his depression.”

“You still have feelings for him?”

The question rings in your ears and you’re dying for her answer.

“Why, yes, of course, I still have feelings for him. You don’t erase a person from your life after 20 years just like that. We have always been best friends, through various stages of our relationship, and we will continue being friends. At least, I consider myself to be his friend, I don’t know what he sees in me since I was the one who went away.”

'You’re my constant, Scully,’ you want to shout, 'my touchstone.’

“Do you want to go back to be with him? Some day? Am I just a stopgap until the two of you’ve straightened things out?”

“No, Mark, not at all! I’m not that kind of person, taking advantage of someone else, and definitely not of someone’s feelings for me.”

“Yes, I have feelings for you, Dana. As a matter-of-fact, I’m falling in love with you. I noticed that you aren’t into this as much as I am - I’m not some insensitive bull terrier - and it left me wondering. Now I know where your caution comes from.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You obviously had a wonderful, long-lasting relationship with this man, it’s only natural. It says a lot about how compassionate and caring you are. Do you think we can have something like it? One day?”

“I don’t know. You’re a wonderful man, and I am attracted to you, but we’ve been dating for three months only. It’s hard for me to predict how far this will go. The last time I loved, it was so intense and all-consuming, it almost seems that everything coming after that can’t but fall short. ”

“Thank you for your honesty. I guess there are no guarantees when it comes to love. It’s not exactly easy for me to listen to you raving of your relationship with another man, I have to tell you, but I have one more question for you: Are you happy, Dana? With me?”

You hold your breath, although you know the answer. The way she converses with this guy, the way she looks at him, the kiss she gave him, her laugh…all of this tells you how she feels about him. You had enough time to study her and you’ve become an expert in the mystery that is Dana Scully. Too bad that your skills abandoned you in the end because if they hadn’t, you might have been able to ward off the tailspin your relationship eventually ended up in. You would be sitting on the couch with her head on your lap right now, watching a movie, instead of holing up behind a car observing her as if you were a sick stalker. Maybe you are. This private, intimate conversation isn’t actually yours to listen to, you know, but you have to find out what the odds are for you. You simply have to. So you hold your breath in order not to miss a single word she’s saying.

“Yes. I am. I’m very happy. I feel so alive when I’m with you, Mark. Like I haven’t in a long time.”

“So then let’s celebrate our three-month anniversary with wonderful food and champagne. If I ever lose you to him again, I don’t want to blame myself for not having enjoyed it as long as it lasted.”

You look at them, especially at her, how the corners of her mouth rise slowly into a warm smile, one you remember being at the receiving end of in different situations: when you woke up from unconsiousness in a hospital bed, for example, or when you told her one of your wild theories. When you served her hot chamomile tea when she had the flu.

They spare you another kiss but link arms and finally enter the restaurant. You thank the weather gods for this mild late summer night because if it had been cold or rainy they would have never had this conversation outside and you wouldn’t have caught any of it. Through the huge windows, you observe how the maître d’ welcomes them and shows them their table.

You stay to study them a bit more. You almost feel like being on a stakeout, observing two target persons. He reaches out for her hands and she willingly puts them in his. You’re amazed by the level of public display of affection you witness. She wasn’t like this with you, probably because for so many years you both felt the need to hide your relationship just for the sake of denying your opponents a weak point to use against you. The waiter serves expensive champagne in crystal flutes. They clink and take a sip. She puts the glass back on the table, and as soon as her fingers let go of the stem, he takes her hand to kiss its back. She tilts her head and shows him this warm smile again. You notice how comfortable she is, how much at ease. She enjoys this date, enjoys the presence and touch of this man. You’re paralyzed by what you see. Like an onlooker at a terrible car accident, you’re shocked and your stomach turns but at the same time, you’re unable to tear your eyes away.

She’s happy, she said. Happy with him. Your chest constricts as you realize what this means for you.

You have to stay away from her, it’s as simple as that. Your chuckle is bitter. Simple?

No, definitely not simple. It’s going to be damn hard, but you want her to be happy, even if it means she’s happy with another man. Your initial plan was to tell her today that you want her back, that you would fight for her, but now is not the right time. She’s in another relationship, a carefree relationship with what seems to be a decent, kind man. She deserves this, deserves him.

Your heart is bleeding, but it’s not bleeding to death because there is a 'but’, a silver lining far away at the horizon.

She also said that she still has feelings for you, that she’s still your friend. She hasn’t committed herself fully to this relationship, she told him her love for you was too intense to cut you out of her life completely. And even he considers it possible she return to you. You have to give him credit for the way he handled what she’d told him. You remember being more territorial and possessive of her at a time you hadn’t even been a couple.

So you will continue seeing your therapist to fight this fucking depression furthermore. You will go on taking care of yourself. You will fix the drain pipe, paint the wooden window frames and change the broken faucet in the kitchen to keep the house, her house, in good repair. You will keep a stock of her favorite tea in the pantry and a spare toothbrush in the little cabinet under the bathroom sink, just in case she pays you a visit and decides to stay for the night. And you will answer the phone next time she calls.

Good plan, bro, but what if it doesn’t work out? What if she’s not coming back to you? Then what?

You have to take this dreadful scenario into consideration, as painful as it sounds. There are no guarantees when it comes to love, Mark said, and you know he was right. If he’s able to live with that kind of uncertainty about her, so should you. Only that you are so much more dependent on her than he probably is. He’s in love with her and will most certainly be devastated should she ever walk out on him, but you…you have no idea how to continue if she’s lost to you for good.

Well, one thing’s certain. If you do lose her ever, then your heart will bleed to death. For sure.