#so i guess im thinking why put it off?
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Bonus round! Do you use a queue tag?
#ive been super curious about this because people seem to have really strong opinions on the queue! so many people seem to HATE it#but i love using the queue! i dont really know exactly why i like it so much- i started using in like... 2016 and its a fundamental part of#my tumblr experience now. i think i started off just using it for offline hours so id hit most my american mutuals (/ for aes posts)#but these days basically everything goes in my queue (cept time sensitive things & like. current hype and original posts-#anything 'normal' posting is in the queue)#idk it feels. nice to me! i like to spread out my posting and not rb 30 things in half an hour and then disappear for the rest of the day#esp since my spaces are so circular- the same post runs on my dash a dozen times minimum. and i get to put it on ur dash a week late!!!#and its so nice to have small interactions with mutuals in incompatible timezones; to open up my notifications in the morning#and go: oh! my friends were here <3#its such a Part of the tumblr experience for me i dont think i could ever truly change now. maybe switch to timed queueing#but my availability changes so much i prefer to just. know i guess#but (i am so sorry for all that) im curious about how other people feel!!!!!! itd be so interesting to hear abt why people do/do not like i#i know some people like the experience of spamming and going. some people think it makes this seem to much like influencing or whatever#everyone has their reasons and i want to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#nyxtalks#poll#queue#no see answers option because you must fall into one of these
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OC doodle with the 141 - tw: alcohol, small mention of death
Honest Feelings
#had some thoughts#the one with Gaz is basically bcuz Gaz was the first to know who Raven is- or basically his Captain seeing someone#despite how she was supposed to kill Price - Gaz didn't question Price's decision to rescue her from a fatal injury#Gaz has treated her with nothing but respect bcuz if Price cares then he'll care too#uhmm the one with Soap is basically after mw3 thingy I guess#Raven has seen how much Price changed after that incident#has seen the man crumbled while holding Soap's dog tag#another responsibilities that's all too heavy on Price's shoulder#uh for Ghost its just basically mutual disdain due to difference in careers#they both know something the others doesnt and they intend to keep it that way#it's the discomfort of realising someone out there who's seen the same terror as you and taking different approaches in life#this discomfort and disagreement is what ticked both Ghost and Raven off- that's why they're always bickering#in a way they see a bit of themselves in each other and it is quite unnerving to them#but really they're not too far off - and they /know/ - but that is something the both of them are not ready to admit yet#two people bleeding from different knives who refused to acknowledge that blood flowing out are the same angry burning red - or something#idk im not making sense UHM ANYWAYS#i yapped too much UHHH silly doodles will resume after this i promise XD#anyways#gummmyart#doodle#think i'll hit the tags limit here so just gonna put a few#PriceRaven#[oc] Raven
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i forgot. how exhausting playlist making is. damn. sorry about the tags i have so much to say about playlist making lol
#especially when i want to put EFFORT into it. ugh#i know i have time i know but the perfectionism 🥹#me shaking my playlist like I NEED IT TO FLOW >:((( FLOW!!!!#and i need the flow to match that. ehem energy. i guess#sorry these are really mindless rambles about the playlist lol ik no one understands what im saying..#but music is such an important arifer thing. they are So nerd about their music and their playlist silliness. this playlist particularly#needs to be PERFECT. ough takahara being in charge of the playlist because lucifer said he'd take care of decorations and#venue was a MISTAKE girl i don't want to do this anymore /j i had been thinking i could order it similarly to the actual arifer playlist#that is always a possibility... but lowkey slow dancing aly&aj as the first song would hit so hard. it really would.... but THEN i'd have to#put the letter after that but. thematic relevance where. this is the SECOND SONG it has to be important >:T which was why the original order#was from the gallows > eternal. because. eternal has to be at the very least. the third song. but slow dancingggggg 😭#hmph#oh god poison and wine sounds nice after the letter DAMMIT..... HEAD IN HANDS. why are all of you bangers it's not fair...#and then i can't just use the ACTUAL arifer playlist because motherfucker im not starting off my wedding with fucking ARCADIA 💀#and yes the arifer playlist has to be played in order because the order is relevant. it will always be relevant. that's why im stressing#😭#ari.mp3#it's too easy to hate you and hard to love.
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this isnt what i usually post on this blog but I'm already sick of all the memes and 'jokes'. I am almost certainly leaving the fandom for good now because of the book of bills release and NO it is not because billford's community has an influx of supporters.
So the worship and romanticization of asylums and other abusive practices for mental health have been steadily gaining traction in recent years, especially with the rise of tiktok's toxicity.
SO many people, especially younger people, regularly talk about how they want lobotomies or how women they don't like should be lobotomized. They get tattoos of lobotomy like it's some quirky fun thing and not one of the most horrific tortures someone can endure.
These same people, ESPECIALLY leftists, will look at anyone they disagree with or don't like and say "get institutionalized, loser" or "et therapy" and it's always in a mocking way. it's always in a policing way.
because these people know that mental wards strip everyone of their freedom and their bodily autonomy. they know these places arent for healing--theyre for silencing.
So the amount of people i see treating bill being institutionalized like a good thing---even the writers and alex himself?
Yeah. Im out ✌🏼
#you people try to act quirky and say you like weird stuff and you like crazy people and hate normies#but then when someone isnt a normie and actually does want to change things in radical ways you want to put them in an asylum#i do not want to interact with any of you people!#i still love gravity falls (obviously) but im just... so over the fandom at this point.#even people who LIKE bill are trying to act like this is all a good thing#guess what asylums dont help :) they almost always make things worse!#so in reality if bill ever got out he would just be 100x worse and more vengeful than before! congrats.#Play stupid games get stupid prizes!#gravity falls#antipsych#i seriously dont understand why anyone things mental wards are in any way different than how they used to be a hundred yeears ago.#because they arent. at all. like literally at all.#they forcefully medicate you with pills that you dont need and that actively harm you bc random ass nurses diagnose you with#someething different every other day and ust give you a new pill for every diagnosis#i know someone who was put on antipsychs when not only do they not have a psych disorder but they had a heart condition and#nearly died bc of it. I myself was put on three different pills the very night i went in. they never#even hesitated to wait and see if i would have a bad reaection or if i reeally needed it.#bc why would they when heavily meedicating you makes you unable to think or reaelize what theyre doing is extremely unethical?#i saw multiple people held down and strapped to their beds and given sedatives for doing nothing at all. For simply asking questions.#I saw staff harass and mock and disrespect very speciifc kids (specifically the poc kids.)#I saw staff lie and try to incite fear in other kids and myself.#one of them told me the night before i was cleared for release tat if i said 'im fine' at any point they would keep me for another month.#and that if i didnt continue to take the meds (ssris) that i was overdosing on that they would come grab me in a van and bring me back#against my will.#Keep in mind i was here based off of lies. There was no real reason for me to be in that asylum.#So yeah. literally dont come on this post trying to defend asylums bc i PROMISE you i have more experience in the reality than you#ever could.#Theyre horrible and romanticising it even against a fictional villain is repulsive behavior.
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Memento Mori
Diantha x Fem! Reader
In retrospect, perhaps there was a reason why Kalos’ champion was missing when the region seemed to need her the most.
It should have been simple. It should have been any other day. The morning was simply divine, as Fletchlings perched on the open window sills and tree branches, singing their wonderful, off-beat tune as you woke and got up like usual. Morning tea and casual conversation with your love followed through like always, as she told you about a new café she wanted to try, telling you to meet her there at noon for a short and sweet date, trying to squeeze in as much time together as possible while working around her jam-packed schedule.
You parted like always, wishing her luck for the on-coming day, at least until noon passed, where you could renew that wish of luck again until she came home in the dark of night, where you’d revel in each other’s presence until the morning came, where everything would happen all over again.
Perhaps it was a bitter sweet cycle, as each meeting meant an eventual parting, where you would be separated for far too long for either of your likings, but every parting meant you’d eventually meet again. (You’d call that kind of prose overly dramatic, but perhaps that's just in your lover’s nature.)
Lunch dates throughout Lumiose were relatively common for you both, so preparing for them was as second-nature to you as preparing in the morning, and so was the struggle to find the dreaded place she’d ask you out to. It seemed like you were always a bit late to these meetings, but she never minded. Not everyone is well equipped to traverse such similar looking streets on the daily, after all.
It seemed like, no matter how hard you tried, you could never get there before her, always taking a wrong turn somewhere along the line. So when you arrived at the given destination with her nowhere in sight, you immediately felt off. You checked the address she had texted to you, ensuring that this was the right place. Maybe you had just gotten lost again, and ended up somewhere else?
Yet it was correct. You were here, so where was she? You approached the barista and asked if they had seen your love (average height, dark gray hair in an elaborate up-do, blue eyes… you held back on asking by name, not wanting to draw attention to you both), but nothing. So you sat down, thinking that maybe she was just running a bit late. Maybe she had reshoots that went longer than expected, or maybe a challenger arrived just as she was leaving.
You check the address one, two, three times more before texting her. If she was running late, you didn’t want to hound her, didn’t want her to feel bad about not being on time, but if something was wrong… Surely, everything was fine, surely, but… what if it wasn’t? She had never been late before, and, knowing Diantha, she surely would have texted you if something held her up.
…You could always just, you know, check her location. She never turned the setting off, and, even if it felt a little dirty and the slightest bit intrusive, it could be excellent reassurance. You could just take a quick peek, see she was at work or the league or on her way over, and your nerves would be sated, and you could gently tease her when she arrived, just as she’d tease you. Yes, it would be worth it, and you most definitely weren’t just stalling in the hopes that she would arrive and take the seat across from you while your eyes were glued to the screen.
But how odd… It seemed that she was in Lumiose, but at the opposite end, in a different cafe, stationary… maybe you did just get the address wrong. Despite checking over and over and over again, maybe you did just misread something, and she was waiting for you patiently. Yes, that had to be the case, and whatever unease had settled in the pit of your stomach was misplaced, despite it remaining as you stood up and left.
Everything would be fine, and the air of wrong hanging over you like an ever-darkening sky threatening to unleash a torrential downpour at any moment, would clear when you saw her face. It didn’t matter that every step felt heavier, it didn’t matter that she was radio silent, and it certainly didn’t matter that your phone threatened to snap under the ironclad grip it was held in as you sat in a cab.
Stepping out, your eyes immediately spot it: a glaring red exterior nestled within the alley. You have to fight the urge to stay seated, as the fear settled betwixt your bones wanted to keep you anchored down. Perhaps you would have given into that desire if it weren’t for the odd look the driver gave you as you remained seated in his backseat for far longer than necessary, which promptly got you up on your feet along with a healthy tip and rushed apology.
Deep breath, everything is going to be fine. Diantha had mentioned this place to you before. She knew the owner, apparently, which wasn’t too out of the ordinary for her, but she had never brought you here despite that. Looking back, maybe she was actively pushing you away from this place in fear of… something or other happening, but maybe you’re just being paranoid, overthinking.
The door, regularly propped open during operating hours as is the same for every cafe in the area, was slightly ajar, with light spilling out into the alleyway, the space of which darkened from looming buildings overhead despite the bright sunlight beaming down from above. She’ll be there, everything will be fine.
Walking in, you internally remark about the… odd decorative choices. The red walls and flooring and tables and… everything, really, certainly matched the outside. The cabinets behind the counter, devoid of employees, did seem to contain rather high quality goods, so perhaps the sophisticated aura they oozed was supposed to smooth over the feelings of unease brought on by the environment. The cabinet at the back of the room contained similar, eye-catching items, although they did seem a bit out of place, as if it had been jostled recently.
The cabinet also looked too far over to the right, casting a shadow just to the left that appeared to be a gaping void, a doorway tunneling further into the unknown… You step forward, rubbing your eyes with the back of your hand, peering further into the wall to tell if you were out of your mind or if the darkness was a genuine doorway leading further into the building.
Perhaps now was the time to finally address the alarm bells blaring in your mind that you’ve ignored up until now. This place couldn’t be normally. Odd stylistic choices aside, a cafe that’s completely empty during peak operating hours with an ominously dark open doorway in the back couldn’t be normal. Maybe if you listened to your instincts sooner, you wouldn’t be standing here, in a strange cafe that suddenly seemed darker than when you walked in.
Maybe, if you took care to trust your gut, you wouldn’t have been subjected to a heavy blow to the back of the head, out cold before you could even hit the tile below.
A sudden, burning feeling washing over your body shakes you awake. When or how you fell asleep was beyond you. Maybe you had fallen asleep in the back of the cab, and all of this business with a dominatingly red building was just a strange dream. A cab driver likely wouldn’t violently throw you out of their back seat, though, and it wouldn’t have left you feeling so weak and drained.
And, if that had been the case, Diantha wouldn’t be leaning over you, yelling at someone in the distance. Her hair disheveled, the pristine nature of her clothing sullied by wrinkles and dust, and her expression panicked, not that you could make her out all that well. The figure at the end of the darkly tiled room, imposingly large and red… or maybe orange, it was hard to tell, seemed to be looking in your direction, but you couldn’t make out his face.
You felt like you were being held underwater. Your vision was blurred, taking in your surroundings as blobs and splotches of color rather than finely defined shapes. And everything sounded as if it were miles away, like a distant echo in the background, where you can feel how loud the voices must be without being able to make out any of their words.
All you knew for certain was the terrible pain racking through you, and the gentle touch of Diantha, as if trying to soothe the discomfort in your veins. The words flying out of her mouth were panicked and resentful, a combination of emotions that you’ve never heard from her before.
The bleariness long set into your subconscious prevents you from paying attention, prevents you from piecing together what was happening. How long you’ve been here, where here was, and why Diantha was here, cradling you gently, were beyond your realm of understanding at this point.
Her eyes dart down to your ever-crippling form, eyes widening as she realizes that you're somewhat conscious, almost as if she thought you’d never wake. She clutches you closer, curling around you as best she could, breathing unevenly as she mumbles out half a dozen curses and swears, simultaneously cursing out those who brought you harm and pleading to whatever forces may be above to help. The man she was yelling at seems to have all but vanished.
“My love? Can you… can you hear me?”
She pulls away ever so slightly, just enough to look you in the eyes. From this close up, you can make out her expression. Her face is a mix of terror and relief, as the makeup on her eyes, the elegant eyeliner and eyeshadow, appears to have been smudged, although it’s clear the tears welling up in her eyes have yet to fall. You can only nod in response, as the words on your tongue die as they pass your lips.
“Good, that’s good. You should save your strength, love, just focus on me, alright? Everything will be alright.”
Diantha wasn’t convinced by her own words. She had no idea how long you had been here, or how Lysandre and his incredulous goons managed to get their hands on you, but they did, and they knew full well what kind of leverage they had when you fell into their laps. That didn’t matter right now, though.
It was her duty to protect the region, to prevent Kalos and her people from being harmed. It’s how she was roped into this dreaded place. She should have taken action sooner, made an effort to snip Team Flare in the bud before they got out of hand. Too bad it took you getting mortally injured to realize that…
She takes one of your hands in her own, although the grip isn’t quite comfortable due to the clamines of your skin. You didn’t realize that Diantha’s hands were stained red, having been dyed by the angry gashes lining the back of your neck and head, nor did you realize how it had seeped into her clothes.
Pressing a kiss to your cold lips, she lets out a shaky sigh, trying her best to stay calm and composed while gently pressing her free hand to the back of your head. She didn’t want to inflict any more harm to your already sensitive wounds, but she had to at least try to stop the bleeding, even if you’ve lost so much blood already.
“Just keep your eyes open for me, alright? Stay with me as best you can.”
“...I’m sorry.” Your voice comes out raspy, quiet, forcing out the words to be as fully formed as possible instead of letting them collapse into gibberish. Simple words were never so difficult to say before.
“No, no, don’t apologize to me right now. None of this is your fault, if anything, it’s mine. I should have told you I couldn’t make it instead of assuming I had time.”
Technically the truth, not that either of you knew it. If she had texted you to say she couldn’t come, even if she didn’t say why, you wouldn’t have stumbled into the boss of Team Flare’s cafe to be bludgeoned over the head and thrown to the feet of the champion to debilitate her, cripple her emotionally to get her off of their backs.
“That doesn’t matter right now, love. All that matters is that we’re together, okay? It’s just you and me right now, it’s safe.” You nod again, leaning further into her touch, although it’s difficult to move. Despite the pain, you feel somewhat serene. Diantha’s warm touch against your skin felt wonderful, and her words felt oh so comforting despite her worried and hushed tone. Perhaps you simply hadn’t realized you were resting upon death’s door, or maybe you had already accepted that it was knocking.
“It’s going to be okay, alright? Everything is going to be o-kay.” Her voice cracks, as tears begin working past her eyes.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too, I love you, things are going to be alright. Me and you, we’re going… we’re going to be fine. We’ll get you out of here, and we’ll, we’ll…” She’s cut off by a sob, words turning into baselass rambling, filled with “i love you” and “everything will be fine” over and over and over again till words start to slur together,, or maybe you were just becoming less and less coherent.
You close your eyes slowly, paying attention to Diantha and Diantha alone, knowing that everything would be alright. You would slip into an abyss of sleep, and you would see her again whenever you would wake.
“It’s going to be fine, Diantha… everything will be fine.”
You can’t help but smile despite Diantha’s pleas, begging you desperately to keep your eyes open, to stay with her for longer, as your hand goes limp in her hold.
#pokemon x reader#diantha x reader#fem reader#wake up babe your tragic yuri is here#not quiet the prompt the request had but i rolled with it#i think i enjoy writing the build up to angst then the pay off#as seen in worm 2#and here i guess#imagined diantha in the black outfit she has in the anime but it's not technically relevant#the question i look up the most when writing is “is ____ hyphenated”#putting hyphens where they don't need to be is my motto#except this time i also got to look up things like “side effects of bleeding out” and “how to best knock someone out from behind”#normal writer behavoir#not super into the banner but i didnt want to keep hammering it out to get a similar result each time#i think im losing my touch tbh#title feels good tho#also why is gen 8 gardevoir's head so big???
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I’m fairly new to the fandom, but I do have a question if you can answer it! Why do people ship Daigo with Aoki / Masato? I tried looking to see if they’ve interacted before, but couldn’t find anything! Sorry for asking I’m just </3 dumb AND I LOVE YOUR ART OF THEM!!! Nerd looking ahhhhhh
hi ! welcome to the community i hope you're having a lovely time so far and ty for enjoyin my stuff :) no need for apologies it's a very fair question to have :]
i cant speak for everyone (all. ten people into masadai anyway) but Personally To Me i just think the idea of them together is very funny. thats quite literally it im afraid..
#snap chats#//twenty page google doc in the background// ignore that. it's mostly for comedic purposes#might also be my fault idk sorry about that. allegedly. idk ive had like three people tell me they started to ship them cause of me 🧍♂️#@mementoasts is another person who's drawn masadai and whose stuff i love and am inspod by .. i love their disneyland fic sm ...#there was another artist on twitter who posted a neat drawing of them but i cant remember who they were and i didnt bookmark it //screams//#recently there's been ANOTHER masadai artist ive started following on twitter - @wifekiryu. his account's n/s/f/w fyi before you go looking#he has a tumblr too @foxdies. i say cause i realized as much recently vjeaKLGJALKGJ#oh but I GUESS ill get deeper into why. /i/ personally ship masadai or whatever#first off they're opposing factions yet their character alignments Do Not Match their roles. stereotypically anyway#aoki who leads the 'surface' of society and is meant to be an admirable figure and someone 'just' when really. he sucks LMAO#though that's not atypical of politicians but just from a stereotypical This Is A Respectable Individual perspective of his role#daigo on the other hand leads the 'underbelly' of society- yk comprised of dangerous criminals and outcasts and whatnot#yet as we know him daigo's compassionate and considerate of his men- he doesnt treat them like tools like aoki does#if put in a room with the two daigo would be most people's choice of person to hang out with. probably open a trapdoor on aoki tbh#and i think thats really cool and epic i always love that kinda Subverting Expectations thing#theres also the fact they both started off like. edgy/angsty in the franchise and then brush up down the line#masato does a stronger 180. publicly. obviously but its still really funny they both have to get their act together#if you wanna talk about in-text reasons. there really is none LMAO I TELLS YOU masadai is pure crack#but if i wanted to pull a muscle reaching then there's daigo being on aoki's side while everyone else is on arakawa's during the funeral#im lying of course. mitsu was behind him. rgg tryna make me forget mitsu exist .... put him back in y8 ....#and ofc ichi joins that side to even out the seating but moving on another Goofy Reason is arakawa being like#'the chairman and my son are like p much the same age Surely he knows how he thinks :)'#and then i just think daigo being all smarmy about outsmarting aoki is really goofy and im choosing to interpret that as personal#they both also have issues with their dad. s. dad/s/. anyway.#tbh the google doc tag was a joke but i really could sit here and list every dumb reason why i think theyre funny together#like i started going over the tag limit so uhhhh yeah needless to say i have a lot of. dumb reasons 💀💀💀💀#one day ill use the main text for long rambles like this but todays not that day Point Is my imagination is rampant im afraid#so the short and sweet of it is I Think It's Funny. And They'd Be Terrible Together. Which Is Why It's Funny.#and the unfortunate part is anything i find funny i obsess over for a year so. //gestures to the mountain of bullshit thats my masadai tag/
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im so annoyed with everything today, i think i need some tasty food and a million hours of sleep and then I'll be back to normal
#the teacher at the first class today was so dibsjdhdhdhdhsgs 😫#like she was teaching us things that are like unrelated to the class that shes teaching so idek why she was teaching it#but also its things that we have been learning since the 1st semester and we've done them in at least 10 classes and she was acting like#this was the 1st time we were hearing about it#like oh yeah we're on the 7th semester of studying nutrition but no one bothered to tell us how many calories are in a gram of fat#and she gave us homework 'to see if we know this' like#oh yes i can make a meal plan for a child with crohns or cystic fibrosis or celiac disease or everything else we've done this semester and#all the other semesters but i guess i cant tell you what micronutrients are in this one breakfast meal#like fuck off and stick to what you're supposed to be teaching#anyway i know im getting more annoyed than i should but she was just even more annoying than usual today#like she interrupted the lesson every 5 minutes to yell at someome to be quiet i wasnt even aware there were people talking until she yelled#anyway#also my new earphones aren't working well idk why ive definitely not been mistreating them that much for them to break in less than a month#like i had my old pair for at least 4 years until the broke and i dont think the wire got cut in them like the sound was coming out weird#but there was sound coming out. in the new ones you need to hold them in a very specific angle for sound to come out#and like im careful with how i put them away so what is up with them?#my theory is that they make wired earphones shitty on purpose so that you will spend a lot of money and buy wireless#also we had said from Tuesday that we would hang out with my friends today but i guess they forgot or idk and they made other plans#(to go home and sleep) and during the weekend the one friend wont be here and next week my family will be here so we probably wont hang out#again until next year and we have exams almost immediately so we wont be hanging out much then either#also my period is supposed to come soon and i hope that it will either come today or it will wait until after Christmas#ideally it will never come ever again but we cant always get what we want#anyway im gonna go eat the rest of my μεσογειακό and go take a nap#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules
#the klock keeps ticking#i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter#cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟#a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts#and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it#plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice#i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of#commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out#but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just#wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts#aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally#i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is#and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route#cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet#its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately#and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing#and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god#like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better#she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years#like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex#and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn#and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset#rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions#and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand#that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good#character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let#her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’#but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make#everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED#ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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actually the only good unhelmeting of a masked character is if they have a smaller identical helmet underneath the first one
#i have to go vacuum the entire apartment or something so i stop going insane thinking about the mandalorian now#i DONT want to SEE#the only exception to this is that i hear season 2 has an entire episode where he's got his face out bc he HAS TO for plot reasons#and i guess he looks really upset the entire time#which is like.#i mean i haven't seen it yet so take this with several grains of salt#but i think that could be good#but i think taking the helmet off in s1 undermines it too#like building up this belief that it's reallyyyy important to him to NOT show his face to ANYONE and then exploring what it would take to#get him to break that rule. could be really interesting and good#and having him look really uncomfortable and building it up in such a way that the audience also feels really uncomfortable the entire time#until he puts it back on#i think that could be REALLY GOOD#but showing his face in season 1 would undermine the impact of that moment a lot in my opinion#i need to stop going crazy over an episode i haven't even seen. but auagahaahahhhh the season 1 face reveal drives me up the wall WHY did#they DO THAT#you have fancy camera angles at your disposal and you did not have to show US#he was showing THAT DROID because it wasnt a quote-unquote living thing. he was not showing EVERYONE#anyway. im normal and im gonna vacuum now.#my post#this unhinged raving is why i made a star wars sideblog and y et here it is on my main for all to see.#woe. my star wars opinions be upon ye
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why am i so nervous about handing the letter to my neighbours to ask if they have my packages
#last time it happened they handed the packages to my mum but shes still on holiday for another 2 days#i dont think they know what i look like so thats probably why#they could've dropped them off at the house but i guess there isnt a guarantee they wont get stolen even tho we've never had porch pirates#cause our house is just so out of the way from the street#anyways ughhh curse you social anxiety#il go out and put it in their door when im going to the bus stop to get to college#im just gonna be nervous af
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Need to get on top of whatever dumb fucking inferiority complex I got going on I'm tired of looking at everything about myself and going "Wow I am really sub-par." I know it's 2am but this isn't the midnight thoughts talking this is a fucking persistent curse throughout my day.
#ventings#drew up a really cute sketch and I will be honest I wanna share it at this stage sooo bad but my brain keeps telling me#that my dialogue writing is atrocious. so i guess im keeping this to myself until its lined lol#its going to take so much for me to share it and not go `sorry if this is ass haha..` BECAUSE I DONT WANNA SOUND LIKE IM FISHING#FOR COMPLEMENTS. IM NOT. I JUST GENUINELY DON'T THINK A LOT OF WHAT I COME UP WITH IS GOOD#LOL. LMAO EVEN idk im not even sad about this its kinda just pissing me off. can i not be confident in my works at least once#i think this is why i dont write a lot either. cuz id love to do it more i just constantly think what i put down is complete ass and it#demotivates me. positive comments are nice and i appreciate them sm but then my brain goes back on its bullshit#going to throw up and cry so many talented people surround me and i genuinely do not get what anyone sees in me LOL#like you can follow people who emulate the fnf style better. you can follow people who make better ship art or fics#you can follow people who are funnier. the worst is feeling like everyone around you is a moment away from realizing youre#actually worth nothing and dropping you for someone better at articulating things or who are funnier or are less annoying or#okay i just looked into the invisible camera and gave a toothy smile and a thumbs up to stop myself from crying i think#ive gone far enough into this. im going to bed#sorry everyone who sees this i promise im not normally this much of a sad bitch!#my inhibitions are just lowered cuz im tired and also all of my friends should be asleep rn so im not gonna accidentally#make people feel bad for me cuz of this. gluh. ive got shitpost doodles in the works ill be back to being goofy shortly
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my next fic will be normal (lying)
#was just thinking about the tone of i&i and how there’s stuff in there that is no doubt off putting tk people and like…#second guessing myself on it before I remembered that the next big thing I would write after it (if I ever get round to it ofc!)#would doubtlessly end up Even More So in those exact ways. so. lmao why do I care. Apparently that’s what i want to write#to be clear with what I’m alluding to I mainly mean the dark/horror/gore elements. Probably tame but not exactly palatable to everyone.#with the exception of light headed most ofmy other stuff is probably gonna be comedy tho. Idk im just thinking out loud about my writing no
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Disclaimer im just processing some thoughts im not cancelling the show
have almost thoughts about how i find the like....narrative on here that if you have chronic "zebra" conditions youd want a doctor like House and wouldnt sue for malpractice bc at least youd have a doctor that cares about whats wrong with you but lets take it one step further. so often he does NOT give a shit about the patient and actively endangers them frequently with his god damn heoric era of medicine approach? non zero amount of times he gets a diagnosis but it comes too late, or he gets a diagnosis after their first wrong 3 guesses of the episode shut down the patients kidneys and they either have to get a transplant or they are just, doomed due to other preexisting conditions etc? idk. i know ppl are almost certainly exaggerating and just letting off steam about the very real failures of our current medical systems and the ableism baked in and All That Shit. i just think its weird how ppl romanticize House who STILL, FREQUENTLY, MULTIPLE EPISODES will actively dismiss shit in the exact way that is a problem in our current system, especially when hes being Forced Against His Will To See Clinic Parients, he loves to be dismissive as fuck of symptoms and if he was a real doctor i think he'd be fucking 50/50 on cases he Notices Something To Dig Into vs cases he dismisses as an Anxious Hysterical Woman Who Wants Attention, the only reason he's Right so frequently in his snap judgements is cos it reinforces the narrative. its like a crime drama that has the mastermind serial killer masterfully using "loopholes" and lawyering up all sneaky and dodging Justice and if only our poor little cop protags were allowed to do A TEENY BIT of Justified Police Brutality, they could Save Lives!
and like sometimes in the show they will have a patient die despite his efforts to narratively punish him. not to mention, i think its been at least mildly brought up and glossed over how much they absolutely do not think about insurance costs for these ppl for the insane amount of tests that find nothing and Wrong Medications To Force A Diagnosis they use? i think it was brought up once in the episode following a day in the life of cuddy where she had to fight a lawsuit bc a guys insurance like didnt cover his thumb being reattached but chase reattached it anyway while in surgery cos it was The Right Thing To Do and the guy didnt have the money to cover it and the insurance wouldnt pay unless he sued the hospital or whatever. thats like the only time its come up. whereas like frequently the doctor I go to for osteopathic manipulation tries to check in with me and make sure im covered by insurance etc and that im not going to go broke or get buried in medical debt seeing her.
idk. just some Thoughts. not a defense of our current system and all the flaws it enables and enforces etc. his approach to medicine is really reminiscent to me of what I know of the Heroic Era Of Medicine which i dont...love? and hes framed on here as being an asshole but would kill for his patients to get them a diagnosis etc. but hes definitely extremely paternalistic to patients ? and despite some good clippable lines about ableism and being against eugenics, it honestly feels like his stance on that is kind of a toss up.
#toy txt post#AGAIN THIS IS NOT A DEFENSE OF OUR CURRENT SYSTEM NOR AM I TRYING TO 'CANCEL' THE SHOW#i am simply processing some Thoughts about it#and wishing better doctors upon all of you when you need them#doctors who Listen To You and who Put In The Effort and The Work to figure out why you feel like shit#who also arent calling you slurs the whole time and throwing random fucking medications at you that destroy your liver or whatever#but give them data. idk. like sometimes in the show it does seem like they need to do that! like the patient is actively dying and the risk#to info ratio is such that it makes sense. other times its like you like definitely couldve done other things to rule shit out but you#needed to fit this whole patient arc into a single episode#not to mention i feel like any doctor who approached shit even close to the way he does would Not have his success rate#no matter how smart the payoff would Not be worth it bc theyd kill more patients. they would not be getting lucky everytime. real life does#not have a plot narrative to fulfill if house treated you he'd just fucking kill you#also one more disclaimer I AM AWARE DR GREGORY HOUSE IS A FICTIONAL MADE UP BLORBO CHARACTER#AND THAT MOST OF THE PPL JOKING ABOUT THIS DO NOT NEED THE REMINDERS OR WARNINGS OR DISCLAIMERS ABOUT HIM ETC ETC#IM SIMPLY THINKING ABOUT HIM AND THIS SHOW AND REAL LIFE#and am only a little bit uncomfortable w the level to which his approach is romanticized on tumblr dot com. but i understand why and like#fair enough#anyway watching house MD is like a sawbones episode displaced in time and Very Worrying#i just have the finale of s7 left and then i will start s8#and i am dreading the aphobia episode. but it cannot be worse than the horrific intersexism and transphobic he's put on display right#right?#i guess its probably not worse in that from what ive seen on tumblr. he is being aphobic to an adult and not a teenager. so#also house is infuriating bc if you remove the doctor bit. i have met this man so many times and i want to kill him ♡#the guy who is just allowed to stampede through life being a total ass with no pushback or accountability and terrorize people#hes a bad employee and a worse boss#okay turning reblogs off on this cos i dont trust ppl. i think i have replies restricting to mutuals too so#that way this doesnt break containment and get misinterpreted
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maybe ive said it before, but i feel like im going to pick up a lot of habits my parents had, like smoking and drinking extremely unhealthy amounts of cigarettes and alcohol
#kind of a vent#i mean. i dont know this for sure. and i could definitely pick up those habits not because of my parents.#thats not even what im really saying. i strongly dont think i would pick up those habits solely *because* of them anyway#i just for whatever reason have that feeling that ill end up like them (hopefully not)#i personally dont think i will ever get in to smoking. i dont see the appeal or how it makes someone 'cool'#of course ive never done it so maybe i dont understand. but i really dont want to fuck up my health or put others in any danger#im pretty sure im so turned off because of red ribbon week at school but i feel like that education about smoking is helpful#because of school my sibling and i got both of our parents away from smoking which i think they were grateful for#my dad used to smoke a lot and would chainsmoke as well as go through a number of packs in one day#i dont think my mom ever smoked that much but she still smoked since she was 17 or 18. she's returned to it to cope with a relative's d*ath#im not convincing her to stop but i worry about her health. i dont think she cares just as long as my nana doesnt see her pack or lighter#as for drinking my dad nearly became an alcoholic at one point and has since tried to cut back#smoking and drinking are so common that i dont really know why i worry about being completely clean in my own lifetime#i mean im having my first drink on my 21st birthday. ive only ever tried a taste of wine and hated it so jve never drank before#i mean all of this more as. i guess ending up on that deeper end like my parents. i hope i dont and i never want to
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seonhee and sawashiro both being associated with purple's the most evil shit in the world now who the fuck am i supposed to put in my purple card holder
#snap chats#sorry guys im one of those girlies who are super into card holders now </3 esp the ones you can customize </3#highkey i got this cause i wanted to put my school id in it so i didnt have to take my wallet out every time i needed to get in my buildin#BUT ON THE LOWEST OF KEYS I GOT IT TO BE MENTALLY ILL TOO i was obsessed watchin people journal and make cute card holders#i dont get recc'd those vids anymore but i remember watchin em an bein like MAN i wanna do that.... thats so cute..#on the real i think card holder customizing's healthy for me. it helps me learn to use things i buy LMAO#CAUSE WITH STICKERS AND THE SORT I HOARD THEM AND NEVER USE EM#and i always get buyer's guilt even if it's something small so i just think. i have to learn letting go and things not being perfect is ok#YOU BOUGHT IT SO USE IT like those ishin colognes... like the scent'll fade anyway i should use them while i can...#as much fun and therapeutic I Think as this was tho i cant imagine having a need to get another card holder... tragedy..#regardless. this card holder's really cute </3 spoilers it's a kuromi one cause i needed more purple in my room i fuckin guess#the stickers were real cute.. also there was a lil baku... hi baku <3#which leads me back to my problem. '''''''problem''''''' yeah i dont even have a printer here but when i go back to my ma's i wanna be sick#walmart lets you get photos on that GLOSSY PAPER... tempted... anyway no listen to my non problems#cause in my heart i do associate kuromi with seonhee alright it just makes sense. PLUS baku and joon-gi#COUNTERPOINT. HOWEVER. there is no image funnier than slapping a depressed middle aged man who prob has a worryin body count#into a card holder decorated with hearts and sweets and bows with a big ass heart keychain danglin off it. like cmon#big brain move is to print out one pic each of em and just swap em out every other day LOOOL#i just want an excuse to show off the card holder.. i get why people have these now this was fun and cute....#ok bye i think ive been ill enough tonight#i thought i was gonna finish another comm but ☠️ ill just do them tomorrow morning they wont take long..
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