#also update my therapist says he agrees with my assessment and we r gonna factor adhd into my treatment!
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my mom told me that my fidgeting with this arcade ball (which ive been doing about 2 weeks now, basically since i realized id benefit from something to fidget with and found it in my room) is “starting to annoy her” and that i look like a freak... even tho im in my own home and i dont fidget so wildly with it in public. and i got really upset and basically immediately started tearing up and told her it’s really helping me and she apologized and i know she didnt mean it but what she said is just echoing in my head and im like. i just feel so stupid thinking that no one thought i was weird for it. my cousin and his gf basically suggested i get a fidget cube which i interpreted as nice of them that they weren’t treating me as weird, but i should’ve taken it as a sign that im clearly not being as discreet as i thought i was. and my dad told me it’s weird and that im “unhealthily attached” to it, but i brushed that off as him being stupid and explained 2 him that im clearly not emotionally attached 2 it but that it is a good replacement behavior for like biting my cheeks/lips or scratching my skin or tapping my leg which doesn’t release nearly as much restlessness. but anyway now i have big rsd over this even tho my mom basically retracted her statement immediately but im just so :(( because of course i can’t carry bouncy balls around my whole life! no matter how much it helps bc its just gonna b seen as weird
#adhd#rsd#ughh#also update my therapist says he agrees with my assessment and we r gonna factor adhd into my treatment!#i still want 2 go to a specialist for an official diagnosis tho bc#although i dont think i need meds rn and want to avoid them altogether#i am going 2 college next year and idk how ill handle that#and if i get to as bad a place as i was senior year when we were considering antidepressanrs#itd b good to know if a stimulant would b the better course or not#like i think itd b unwise to go into college without an official diagnosis#cause thatll just b another barrier to treatment if i end up not coping too well#so i guess im thinking why put it off?#i know my mom doesnt want me to take meds but if itll help me i dont want 2 ignore the option#like shes gotten to breaking points where my depression and inertia and all gets to be too much and shes like MAYBE U DO NEED MEDS#but im the one in my head all the time#so even if im not at a 10 all the time externally#the way i see it im living at an 8 all the time and if i cant get to a better place on my own#mayb i should consider medication#idk#i might not b in crisis all the time but i do feel like shit all the time#and i just want 2 b well
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