#thats why i am miserable
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"Reach out to a trusted friend".
Me:...what friends??
#no friends#friends#lonely#i hate it when people say that#like i dont have friends#thats why i am miserable#lol#friendless
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i did not think this out much...at all, but drawing it was a lotta fun!
also i almost made lloyd veronica but i changed it to nya before i even started working on the. actual heather trio so yay!!
#ninjago fanart#ninjago#ninjago nya#ninjago lloyd#ninjago ninja#teshfarts#i should draw the nextgen as them actually....they fit way better LOL#can you tell i gave up putting any more detail for everything below their knees. there should be awesome LACES on their big long boots#but i got LAZY!!#first thing i thought while drawing kai was “this makes no sense why is his sister veronica. why would she let zane kill him” then i thought#“zane is so sad. why did i make zane JD this is so sad im sorry zane” and then i stopped thinking#btw in this. drawing theyre just dressing up. hence why cole is miserably failing to hold his laughter#heathers#sorry for the eyestraining background colour i drew this at 3 am in the dark . i did not think it through#okay teshi i think thats enough yapping
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oh her new song is so sinister
#the chokehold that white feminism has on this woman's soul FREE HER!!!#WHY is she making this soulless shit when she has such a beautiful voice and the artistic capabilities of someone who made TFJ and EH#not that i need her to be miserable but omg... pls be poetic and thoughtful#HOW is this the same artist who wrote 'Girls' before “one of the guys” girls were even a fucking problem!!!#or 'i am not a robot'??? i feel like thats a good comp to the direction she WANTS to go in#and its critical!!! and hopeful and beautiful#which is honestly shocking that its on TFJ that album is so fucking dark LMAO#need to put out a missing persons for her critical thinking skills#i know im being so mean but this song is just such a slap in the face to her own work and talent#what is this made for tik tok slop ass chorus. the whole thing is just so one dimensional. even the name#i do not know who the audience is for this song genuinely#unless its simply just trying to pander to tik tok but i dont even see that happening its so out of touch and trends its trying to land on#I KNOW her ass can live luxuriously off the royalties im giving to her alone#at least charli gave a shit with her sellout album (crash)#AND I ATE IT TF UP!!!#if she wanted to sell out again i wish she wouldve at least picked something that would actually sell#marina if u see this im sorry for being mean. i love you. and im glad youre happy. i just hate this song and think youre better than this#BUTTERFLY by Marina#marina and the diamonds#marina#butterfly
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kuukou encourages and believes in jyushi’s strength while firmly believing that he’s a weak person. if kuukou is having a bit of a rough time forgiving himself for past mistakes while telling hitoya that he needs to move on from his past weighing him down in harmonious cooperation, then i hope with every fibre of my being that this is going to be something jyushi and hitoya are actively saving kuukou from (from himself lol)
#vee queued to fill the void#*falls to my knees* oh godDAMN it’s been a long ass time since i thought that kuukou often doesn’t practice what he preaches holy shit#i am once again begging for kr to make me and kuukou MISERABLE in the upcoming bat track lmao#if you keep writing kuukou with these fcking cycles you have to circle back to them PLS PLS PLS PLS PLSSSSSSSSSSS#I NEED KUUKOU TO ONCE AGAIN BE IN THE RIGHT BUT GOING ABOUT IT IN THE WRONG WAY AND EVEN MORE TO HIS DETRIMENT#AND FOR JYUSHI AND HITOYA TO BREAK THE CYCLE AND STOP HIM#BREAK THE CYCLE OF HIS SUFFERING JYUSHI AND HITOYA THE CONCEPTS KUUKOU TALKS ABOUT KEEP CIRCLING BACK AROUND AND HE KEEPS GOING THRU IT#IF YOU BREAK THE CYCLE OF SUFFERING AND KARMA YOU ATTAIN ENLIGHTENMENT#AND WOULD IT NOT BE THE FINEST POETRY 🗣️👏👏👏 IF KUUKOU FOUND NIRVANA WITH HIS TEAM BRO#🗣️👏👏👏 AFTER PROMISING TO DO JUST THAT IN FOR THEM IN HARMONIOUS COOPERATION#THIS IS WHAT I MEAN ABOUT KUUKOUS KARMA HIS INTENTIONS ARE USUALLY GOOD AND THATS WHY HE GETS REWARDED FOR THEM IN THE FORM OF BEING SAVED#KARMA IS DEFINED AS THE INTENT GOOD OR BAD THAT INFLUENCES FUTURE CONSEQUENCES GOOD OR BAD#HE WANTED TO SAVE REN AND HITOYA SAVED HIM FROM UNJUST PUNISHMENT#HE WANTED TO SAVE UNAMI AND HE WAS REWARDED FOR IT BY ICHIRO SAVING HIM FROM HARM#HE WANTED TO SAVE JYUSHI AND HITOYA FROM THEMSELVES SO!!!!!!!! IN TURN!!!!!!!!!! PLS KR!!!!!!!!#LET JYUSHI AND HITOYA SAVE KUUKOU FROM HARMING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!
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Can someone kill me now? please and thank you
#the turtle speaks#i have been at work for 2 seconds and already want to have a panic attack in the bathroom#like why am i such a fuck up?#and it sucks cause the first thing i was going to do today was what i got an email about not being done#like i know it needs to happen thats why it was the forat thing in my plan#also its literally the 3rd day of the month#and i KNOW no one would've answered me last week cause everyone took the week off#so thats why i was waiting till today#like i guess i shoukd have just messaged everyone instead of planning on today#its miserable out here and i want to die but whats new 🙃
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You have a Blacephalon? Those are rare in my neck of the woods.
Does it actually try to drain your life force by scaring you, or is that only a myth?
- @megalo-biology
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Is that what's happening???
#Is that what thats about?? What the fuck.#Excuse the strong language. They're extremely underdocumented with such few specimens.#I was unaware of any such rumor but would NOT be surprised.#The Menace takes immense pleasure in startling me around corners and otherwise living up to its rather unofficial nickname#cosmusings#pokemon irl#pkmn irl#rotumblr#rotomblr#pokeblogging#[cyomea buddy... oh you poor thing...]#[i need everyone seeing this to imagine cyomea sitting at the table miserably exhausted like why am i so tired i just woke up???]
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I have not posted any of my analysis to reddit yet and I think I might just post it and ghost it. I've already spent too much time looking at other people's threads on there to feel any way good about interacting with folks.
I already went in an added the "I know you're going to bring this up let me save you the time" section which is exclusively touching on the frequent topics of:
"well what about the fingerprint nostrum and finger mimics? He is clearly just a crackpot"
And
"it's definitely some weird elaborate sacrifice to Metyr thing"
#if he's drinking hallucinogenic tea in his free time genuinely good for him. whatever man. i just do not think either of those items are-#at all relevant to the quest especially the nostrum because it is a placebo medicine and aint nothing fake about this shit#also i think theres a distinction between becoming fingers vs wanting to replace metyr? idk like as ive said i think he thinks he's-#better than the fingerweavers and rightfully so#like please come to a new conclusion other than “man this guy is on drugs”#also girl... metyr doesnt need sacrifices. like? where is that textually or in set design? metyr wants us to leave her the fuck alone#she's minding her own business EVERY TIME WE SPAWN INTO HER ZONE#like why are people so desperate for everything to have a dark undercurrent? not everything has to be some dark disney ass shit#���actually finding nemo is a hallucination & Marlin is insane & nemo is dead that movie is actually super fucked up & dory is a grim reaper”#like im sorry but this is how this extra shit all feels to me#like it is already fucked up and miserable?#is he 100% a good person? like thats genuinely person to person. theres personal gain from the quest#and hes definitely very good at getting what he wants#manipulate manifest mother#tail fingers on the vision board#devon yaps#and yap I did#like I don't want to be a bitch because yeah we should genuinely celebrate other peoples theories and hcs in these games#but i dont think “lol this guy is just on drugs” is one of those things#because i like spooky theories if theyre backed up.#but to say “its this weirdly horrible thing and youre all wrong” especially in his context is not great to me#Sorry. like may my own arrogance strike me down like the scholar i think i am 😤 farewell#because again its coming down to meeting this narrative without preconceived bias and most of the reddit stuff feels like-#“he is fucked up. won't say why. but i bet you know why i actually think this 🤫🤫🤫” like just you cant wrap your brain around guy mom#i do really want to reiterate this is about reddit shit. like i am so into people who love his character but interpret him more sinister💕😚#truly eating that shit up
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ouuuuu husker let me save you
suspenders version but its hidden cuz i like it less
#i dontr eeven wanna tag this bruh why am i drawing ha*bin h*tel#hazbin hotel#......#hazbin hotel husk#HH human husk#he wouldve been so good if he wasnt a v*vz*epop oc#i NEED him#carl art tag#this whole like week i been drawing husk and huskerdust each time i was at my pc#which wasnt a lot cuz i have a JOB now#so im miserable now#but at least i have husk fantasies to comfort me at my 13 hour daily shifts bwaaaaaa#im gonhna post my huskerdust too#just a bit later i think#maybe tomowwoww#yapping in tags tag#i think thats gonna be a new tag#contaminating my blog with this#will probably delete someday
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I like making funny cutsey shit full time obviously but actually fun fact abt me is that i can only make darker/sad content when im in high spirits and very happy. Because when i get depressed i totally cant cuz im like omg im already so miserable I DONT WANT TO DRAW MISERY. I NEED SOME SWEETNESS AND JOY IN MY LIFE AUGH.
#im like opposite mode in this shit lol#idk i dont feel good or any catharsis from drawing my bad emotions i just feel like i sink deeper into it#when im miserable i be like UGH. I NEED TO SHOWER DAILY AND TAKE A WALK EVERYDAY AND FLOSS MY TEETH#thats why i also am the opposite in the way when im not depressed i will sometimes go out with my jacket zipped up to hide my pajama shirt#and look like im in a depression outfit to do small errands. while when im depressed ill be properly dressed up to do anything#because if im happy im like eehehe i can slip by like this while when depressed im like I NEED TO PROPERLY CHANGE OUT BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE#ME FEEL BETTER.
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"Ruby wouldn't be angry at Jaune because she would understand it was Penny's choice" as if grief over losing a close friend again after going through so much to save her again wouldn't manifest in absolute rage that blocks out suicide fetish logic. The writers refused Ruby her anger not only to protect their precious Jaune, but because they think certain emotions are evil
I'm constantly thinking about Blake in V5 attributing spite to Adam as if it's a bad thing. Spite is the emotional version of "hold my beer," and is responsible for some incredible things
Lord of the Flies by William Golding is a spiteful response to The Coral Island by R. M. Ballantyne, a story with the same premise of several middle class English boys being stranded on an island. Where Ballantyne has the boys having "wonderful adventures" such as... saving women and children from being killed and eaten by the native Polynesians, Golding depicts the boys falling into savagery as time and isolation grows their paranoia to the point where they start killing each other. Golding was pissed at the saccharine portrayal of English boys as the height of humanity because he was a teacher who taught that exact demographic and damn well knew better
After a teacher said he wasn't smart enough to get into college, Huey P. Newton taught himself how to read and got into law school. When the college committees were more into intellectual talk than action, he said, "Fuck this, I'm gonna make my own group," and he did! It became an international organization that had the FBI shitting themselves! That's the power of spite, baby!!
The writers are using emotions as a shorthand for a character’s morality, which is why Ruby can't be mad at Jaune without losing her status as a hero and why Adam's anger at injustice makes him irredeemable from day one. Ruby's ptsd disappears with a triumphant smile and musical number while Ironwood's vilifies and dehumanizes him even after his death
The writers have tied "negative" emotions to evil and "positive" to good when they're neither. Emotions are a body's response to stimuli, similar to goosebumps and crying. Think of it as a "check engine" light on your car's dashboard. What someone does because of their emotions can be good or bad, but emotions in and of themselves are morally neutral
Really wish people would learn that
#rwde#the demonization of anger is particularly troubling esp in the context of injustice#like??? sorry people dont wanna be sally sunshine abt their rights being taken away#i think it falls into respectability politics and 'the good victim' idea#the only victims considered strong are the ones who take their abuse with grace and poise#youre too weak if youre crying and scared bc of your trauma#youre too afraid if you build walls between you and the world bc of your trauma#youre too hysterical if youre pissed off and lashing out bc of your trauma#the only respected way is to grin and bear it until the abuse stops#which is absolute bullshit#people deserve to have any and every emotion without immediately being judged for having the 'wrong' response#we have so many emotions for a fucking reason!!!#and its super unhealthy to repress any emotion for long periods of time!! thats why so many people are miserable these days!!#fuck that sally sunshine perpetual positivity bullshit. let a mf be pissed off#and for characters let them be pissed off and wrong!!#let them lash out and hurt their friends or smash a car or punch a wall bc thats character conflict!! its drama!#its an opportunity for characters to grow and atone for their mistakes and ask for forgiveness they may not get#let rwby characters be full fledged people i am BEGGING
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One of my big compulsions is taking a fuck ton of screenshots Just In Case a piece of information is important in like 4 years and I can't remember it (sometimes the information is an instagram post that I might not remember later and of course needs to be recorded everywhere (I will Not be looking at that again)) so today is my transfer 16000 images off my phone admin day (woo)
Like yeah I never looked at any of them and they were completely irrelevant to my daily life, But what if I need them ✨️ later ✨️ (you'll see that the idea of Later is doing a lot of heavy lifting here) OR what if there's a vital piece of information in the mix somewhere that I'll lose forever if I delete them? So: onto the external hard drive they go
This is one of those cases where. Yeah. Ideally I wouldn't take 16000 screenshots in half a year. And YEAH ideally I'd just delete them and not transfer them somewhere else to never look at again. BUT at least I get a clean slate and I can maybe not mindlessly save everything for 2 seconds. It's like. Small wins? Progress. Yknow.
#rangnar rambles#i also use my tumblr drafts this way which is how i have probably 2000 drafts for this blog that are just? like me saving a post for 'later#and then theres too many in my drafts for me to even find *MY* drafts#i need to just hard reset the draft function bc its literally unusable for me#'matt this is all irrational and weird' by god. my irrational thoughts disorder makes me do weird shit? are you fr rn??? 😨😨#i get so stupidly in my own head and then i dont make progress towards Anything#even like a fun sideblog where i can actually yknow. post that 2k nightmare? i just cringe myself out like a dumbass 😔#i feel like ocd thoughts always sound lame out loud (and in my head to myself too)#like the Urgency doesnt come across#like in the moment i am Completely convinced that my national insurance number and bank deets are in there somewhere#and theres suddenly no way on earth i could ever find them again if i delete the picture. so to the hard drive they go#i Would go through that whole thing if i suddenly needed a screenshot from 2019 btw. like the crazy isnt theoretical#ive hallucinated gas leak smells before and woken up my flatmates bc i couldnt convince myself i was over reacting#its just cus the seasons have changed that everythings ramping up but omg its hard to do anything but spiral nowadays#thats a little dramatic but i am losing like. a quarter of the day to my ocd#its like. not great 😬#im not back to convincing myself i gave my dad cancer but i am not letting myself use half the kitchen again#but eh soo la voo we ball#HAH i checked my drafts after this and i was lowballing so hard#5.7k on this blog. 12k on my main 💀. its not funny but it kind of is#this is why youll never catch me running a queue#this is such a miserable post but i do feel the need to not let it sit in the drafts pile. to prove the point i guess 💀💀💀#'no one gives a shit this is your blog' 'oh my GOD WHAT IF PEOPLE GIVE A SHIT' <- omg shut upppp youre so embarassing 🙄#one more time for the gallery: i am like. aware that these feelings are irrational. like i am fine it just takes time for reality to kick in#ANYWAYS what was that who said that that was so weird im gonna go look at old romantic era paintings now#if tam is a screenshot fiend in the next fic u know what happened
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#i need a good reason to not kill myself because the world feels so fucking hostile right now and theres nowhere i can go to safety#my bank account is Seven Hundred And Thirty Dollars in the negatives. i have bills coming up this week. i have no hours at my job#i went to a job interview yesterday for fucking taco bell THATS how desperate i am. and im not even 100% sure if im gonna get it or not#and if i do get it my life will be miserable and i wont have time for anything else in my life im like actually terrified#i have so much Trauma from shitty unstable jobs for my whole adult life that it just feels painful to think about#i cant afford to live i cant afford to be homeless either#i should just die like genuinely im at the end of my rope i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this#im so stressed im so overwhelmed its so difficult to work on art because of this#my life is actively crumbing away beneath my feet the last thing i want to do is draw pictures#but i have to. i have no other choice i Have to#the world is better off without me in it OBVIOUSLY. like all i hear about constantly is how much trans people dont deserve to live#i shouldve considered this before i decided to be born the way i am#i never asked to be born into this. i wish i never was. i wish i wasnt alive right now#i dont want to live i dont want a life i dont want to keep on going if its just going to be like this all the time#i hate feeling this way because of MONEY. I HATE MONEY. MONEY ISNT REAL UNTIL IT IS REAL AND THEN ITS EXTREMELY REAL.#money is only real for poor people and thats what ive learned in my time on this earth#btw im not okay and nothing anyone can say to me will make me feel better because theres no fucking point in anything#i got denied for food stamps and welfare also btw lol like im doing everything i can to improve my life but everything sucks and is hard#and i dont have a safety net and im falling and falling and falling and im about to splat hard on the concrete#i have to do laundry and clean my room and make breakfast and work on art and all of that while knowing i cant pay my bills#i dont know why suddenly it feels impossible to do fucking anything. like theres no other choice but to suffer#it feels like the world is ending and Yes im having a catastrophic breakdown right now and i just need to shout into the void#i'll feel better after i eat but i need to get dressed first and i have no clean clothes so i have to do laundry#but i have to collect my clothes off of the floor and i have 0 energy bc i havent eaten and im stressed and fucked up#UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DIES#things could absolutely be worse right now but this is about as bad as they can be before that happens. lol
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MAN! AHH!
#its so crazy to realize that like#you actually do have a life you can go back to after removing yourself from a space that was actively making you miserable#i fucking love my friends so much. been talking to them a lot more lately#i feel like ive been neglecting them because ive been spending so much time lamenting the relationships that havent worked out for me#and just not even thinking about the ones that HAVE and actively DO#and its like. why do i hesitate to dive headfirst into the friendships that i already have and already feel secure in???#i think part of me thinks i dont deserve relationships where i dont have to prove myself#but im realizing that i can draw a distinct line between friendships where i feel loved as i am vs ones where i have to earn approval#and the latter is not where i should be focusing my energy#idk! love my irls. rubyrainacharlie forever#feels like im coming back to who i was pre-all the horrible shit thats happened to me in the last year and a half#like even just after the last two days alone#diary
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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#delete later#wildly embarrassing meeting today where managers brought up concerns about my work and i had to explain that i cant get my#shit together bc my ocd is being a bitch and i can't think properly. and nearly cried multiple times so thats. embarrassing. and now#i am actually crying bc i cant do shit right atm anf its so frustrating ao so frustrating#fuck im tired of it all. they were so nice aboit it evej though i know ive pissed them off and made them frustrated.#i feel shitty bc it feels like ibe just given an excuse as to why they cant be angry at me when they absolutely should be#but im also terrified of them being angry at me so maybe i dud just use it as an excuse and am terrible and shitty#all while knowing FULL WELL that im feeling like this BC im in an ocd episode and moral scrupulosity is a part of my ocd#its this intense BC my ocd is not great atm. its so frustrating abd exhausting and makes me want to scream. and i know that ive#slipped backwards in terms of my skills. i fycking hate it. i hate it.#i just feel useless atm. and it's miserable. and im making things harder for other ppl and that makes me worse than useless#but at the same time i know why i feel like this and why i cant operate how i usually do but that just makes me more angry
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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