#thats the only goal for myself
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Look, life might be a whole ass level of upsetting and it gives me the desire to press my head hard against a wall, remembering I now earn enough money in my very frustrating job to afford a shitty little apartment is REALLY getting me through
And once I own my own shitty little apartment? Oh, just y'all wait and see. It's going to be small. Quite a bit shit. But MAN IS IT GOING TO BE FULL OF LOVE AND HOME
#we will have a kitchen where we cook good food#and good food is made to be shared#i will have my soft warm yellow feature wall#bc no one can stop me from doing that#it will match my lil yellow armchair quite nicely#and i will have a clean bedroom#thats the only goal for myself#my bedroom will stay clean#bc homes are meant to be lived in and it will never be perfectly clean#but my god will my bedroom be the cleanest fucking space on the planet so i can sleep and rest and not wake up to bad asthma ever again#and people will be expected to come into my home all the time#bc i will get lonely#the expectation is this is a space to be filled with love and i cannot fill it with love without you
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if im a better person in 1 june 2024 than i was in 2023 overall ill buy a $22 (SGD) twst plushie
#i only speak chaos₊ ⊹☆⋆｡★₊ ⊹#leaving this here#setting goals for myself hehe#i know what youre thinking#“what defines “better person”?”#healthier sleep schedule(8 hours average and i wake up 6:15am weekdays 8am weekends)#uhh talk more about my feelings to my parents?#no harming or hurting myself physically (drawing on myself doesn't count.)#i might cut out some toxic friends in my life if they push it too hard#or at least id distance myself from them#oh ill apologise in person and talk to those three pe teachers#idk i mean. i kinda fell apart these holidays#oh ill try to lessen my device addiction!#yuh things like thats :>
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how to work up the courage to explain my deteriorating sanity to my doctor and also explain it in a way that wont get sent back to hospital???
#i am way more mentally ill then last time they sent me so. yeah#this doctors pretty chill tho#i just dont know how far i can push it with them#idk what they'd do anyways i dont get on with therapy or meds and rhats about the only options.#idk#i just feel like telling someone#cause i dont want to kill myself yet i have to do the things#but The Things consist of one normal goal and a bunch of not normal stuff. like i cannot say “the only shit thats keeping me alive is that i#have to do what these divine messages have been telling me to“ like i cannot say that#that will absolutely get me locked up and my parents would absolutely want to send me away for that. their promise to not do it again...#definitely doesn't hold if im “psychotic” or delusional or whatever#i just know theyd freak#maybe its a bad idea#tw psych ward#tw forced recovery
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im a eurydice = solas truther btw and ill die for my beliefs
be so serious........ and lavellan as orpheus......
#I NEED TO BE LOBOTOMIZED. TRULY.#i dont even know where to start i feel like i cant even post abt this bc theres no way all my thoughts can fit coherently lol#like the 2nd act/hadestown soul-selling business is just solas committing to his goals....#who would win eurydice/solas ''i walk the dinan'shiral - there is only death on this journey'' or orpheus/lavellan walking it anyway lol#to find them and bring them home again#also if the solas-is-a-spirit-that-mythal-bound theory turns out true then the hades = mythal parallels well. they are parelleling <3#''And the choice is yours / if you're willing to choose / Seeing as you've got nothing to lose / And I could use a canary'' HELLO????#ik the other popular interpretation is solas as orpheus but idk solas/eurydice just makes me crazy . it works so well#like theres that one interaction thats like#eurydice: “i havent seen a spring or fall since.... i cant recall”#orpheus "thats what im working on / a song to fix what's wrong / take whats broken#make it whole / a song so beautiful / it brings the world back into tune''#and thats very solas coded. BUT its also such a good parellel to high approval lavellan's fixing the world thru the inquisition/anchor#and thru their kindness and curiosity and all the things he thought were lost in arlathan. the things that make him think maybe shes Real#and it could all be real and worthwhile.#solas recognising the depth and personhood of lavellan thru their [from his pov endearingly naive] actions and spirit#''i havent seen a spring or fall since...i cant recall'' / ''you show a wisdom i have not seen since.... since my deepest journeys into the#ancient memories of the fade'' what if i lost my entire goddamn mind. what if i just completely lost it lol#ok im done im so sorry i feel like harrassing every single person ive ever met with this information like idek what to do with myself lol
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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it was so stupidly difficult to find any nutritionist who has experience with arfid & takes insurance so after having to go through all these referrals my therapist sent me & jumping through hoops I lowkey hate the lady lmao feels like such a waste of time & energy
#its only our third time meeting but its so beyond fucking frustrating to feel like we spent the whole hour going in circles & lowkey arguing#& like she never actually listened to any of the things ive told her. like the ENTIRW REASON i told her i was seeking extra help after#dealing w arfid type noncense all my life was 'achieving goal x is always kind of tough but im trying to do it while also achieving goal y &#im struggling with finding a way to balance the two things' like thats IT & then as shes suggesting things to try im like idk of those are#worth the effort bcus they conflict w goal y & shes like. have you considered not worrying about that so you can focus on x?#like NO bcus thats what i was previoislt doing & it doesnt fucking work for me! & she was just not understanding what i meant by adding#variety or having 'better options' shes all like. ok but even if this new thing conflicts with goal y it can just be another option for you#like thats not the POINT i already have enough options i can switch between that conflict with that like the whole point is i need to fill#the gaps w things that are nutritionally different. like if im ok with something thatll use up a significant portion of ny daily values of#shit then i already have multiple options that i actively like well enough i dont wanna waste my time adding more that are things i think#are just ok but take more work. literally whats the point of that#& im like i think rather than me just thinking of random shit i think i could try itd be helpful if I could like get some guidance on like#what are some things that fall into somewhere into this category or this adjacent category while also not being this other thing & then i#cab like determine from there what i already like & can try & add more of & things from that list that sound like sth i can try#& shes like well idk theres a lot of foods out there. YEAH ABD ISNT IT YOUR FUCKING JOB TO KNOW ABOUT FOOD? like i gave fairly specific#parameters this isnt like a 'list every food on earth' type of question what am i even paying you for if you cant come up with a list#like that. & she jept getting hung up on like well lots of things that are the most calorically dense are gonna be like that like ok it#doesnt have to be the MOST dense maybe think about it like 'the densest things in this other category' which sounded straightforward to me#but she was just like continuing to argue & also like getting hung up on reminding me that everything is dependent on portions like#I FUCKING KNOW?? like if a serving of something is like 10% of my dv id rather find something where a serving is 5% etc. idk how thats like#a hard concept like whats the point of adding something to be like oh sure ill have a third of a serving & get 50 extra calories out of it#be so fr rn im so beyond frustrated still even tho its been hours since i talked to her this is more stressful & annoying than the stress of#just trying to figure shit out on my own i fucking hate having to try & re explain nyaelf ivee & over & have someone just talk over me &#fail to understand what im getting at. im one more shitty session away from quitting & just resigining myself to 70% liquid diet#anyways#texticles
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ok i do think that jesper went: i'll give him a key so he has a place he can just be <33 i will not think deeper about why or what this implies <33 this way he can come and go as he pleases :D
and when wylan said "move in" jesper went "um" because he was riding a whim and now realised that he did not think this through in the slightest and might be in over his head.
cause listen. this is new to both of them. they have no idea what they're doing, these are such specific circumstances and everything is moving very fast and maybe that's okay! maybe it isn't! who knows? certainly not them <3 they're going through this with no thoughts just vibes and i for one cannot wait for the plot angst to inevitably unfold and force them to slow down enough so they can think and communicate (which tbh they're already pretty good at so i believe in them)
#wesper#jesper fahey#wylan van eck#jesper x wylan#shadow and bone#like obviously theyre cute everythings so cute and i love them dearly#but i wouldnt be myself if i didn't latch onto the angst possibilities first and foremost#and honestly? i actually love that this is a point for them#because the whole fairytale/romance thing where you only get together once youve both fallen in love is fun sure but eh#i find it much more interesting when things like infatuation or just general crushes lead to relationships#and THEN the relationship can evolve and falling in love can further it#rather than relationships just being the end goal because thats not how that works
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pussy so androgynous it causes a major fandom schism approximately 194 times a month
#yes this is abt gerard way i cant get the discourse out of my head i need to let the evil spirits out and the only way is by making a post#like i firmly believe its okay to like. well. femcr it up from time to time... or like..#use she/her affectionately bc well theyre my pretty little princess their gender has nothing to do w that#and that like. theyre not cis. that much is obvious. but like. it crosses certain boundaries to assert so aggressively that just bc#theyre not cis that the end goal is that theyre a Woman. like... yeah you can say theyre trans in the sense of it being the opposite of cis#which is the case. thats correct. but saying theyre a WomanTM just bc theyre not a ManTM is well.. troublesome. its erasure#and erasure of something so lovely as whatever it is they have going on like isnt it enough that theyre living their truth?#the need to categorize everything in a neat little box is something you need to unpack and realize that its harmful. its a forced dichotomy#and like as i said already its all fine to like go all 'omg gerard pick up the phone' or like 'oughh my beautiful wife' or 'miss gerard 🐀'#however it gets dangerous if you spend too much time in that bubble and forget the reality of things.#for that purpose i made that 'her pronouns are he/they'. to ground myself innit#ANYWAYS. if you read the tags im sorry but yeah...... letting the evil spirits out#piksla.txt
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any other nb ppl who are transmasc and ID'd as binary trans for a while have a "im not a man" moment and it was a relief? like thank god i dont have to put up this front anymore type of relief
#i also keep getting into my own head that i'm detransitioning and then i go ''im a woman'' and theres still the ick#i dont care if someone calls me a man as long as they know thats not the only thing i am#its just. so hard to be masculine. i hate it.#esp at work i have to put up this front of ''oh im a guy'' just so i dont get misgendered in the other direction#i love you androgyny. i love you people not knowing what my gender is.#i love you reclamation of the pronoun ''she'' for me meaning me and not the faulty perception of me#i love being nonbinary im so glad i dont have to be a man!!#im done forcing myself to be a man so i can be put into an acceptable box.#MY TRANSITION GOAL IS TO BE UNPALATABLE ‼️‼️‼️#tagging with various things so i can get some response maybee#lgbt#lgbtq#nonbinary#trans#good enough.#rainbow rambles
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2024 summary of art! ft. 2023 version cause I forgot to do it last year
#summary of art#summaryofart2024#ART GOALS FOR 2025: Post more sketches- at least on bluesky cause just boxing myself to illustrations is no fun! IM GONNA GO SILLY! HAVE FU#These two years are of me getting burn out figuring out how to recover from it and graduating!#art school fr burns you the fuck out and I never got burnt out so bad b4 so it SUCKKKEDDD I wanted to write instead of draw soo bad#thats why like- some of these are my school assignments and random sketches i did#Feel a lil bad since I did full illustrations last few summaries but hey I like my lil doodles and I should post them more anyways :DD#Shoutout to art fight for saving my July August slots ILY Art Night#also didnt realise I didnt put any mcyt in my 2024- and put in my OCs like 4/12 times. Interestingggggg#from like only 1 non-mcyt in my summary to 5/12 to no mcyt at all- damnn you can see it fading D: I'm still a fan I just draw them less ://#also shout out to 2023 and 2024 no british royalty died whilst i was drawing minecraft fanart ftw#my art
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I desperately need willy to return for game three but at who's expense
#like its probably nicky even though i dont want it to be#i think they like kniesys physicality too much to replace him calle is too reliable holmberg centres and penalty kills#and the 4th line has been playing really well together meaning nicky is the only nonessential bc if they want a goal scorer thats willys job#i guess if you wanted you could have calle or willy center that line instead and have nicky on the wing though again holmberg is on the pk#we should be allowed to fill our bench as much as we want and just sub them in whenever#talking to myself
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Quivering and hooking my fingers into my mouth and biting down hard on them sobbing because the anime
#Listen to my problems#oh god the anime ...#i like calling myself a male fujo because fundanshi doesnt have the same rep and i want people to know what theyre dealing with#hang on i think i left tsukasa in the car#oh fuck my sweetie ..... !!!! he died of carbon monoxide :((((#i miss him so much ... hes like my muse but i cant use that word anymore after what happened with mars. once in a lifetime event#now i can only say 'i like himm :3' because i do. and hes my best friend#hes such a character hes literally all about momentum hes defined by it. Hes so intelligent and quick but when it comes to his life goals#and longterm direction you can kind of tell he wasnt banking on living long and it carries over. that kind of lifestyle and mindset that#held him together for more than a decade is difficult to shed. he hasnt had a chance to grow since the first time he realised his parents#wouldnt lift a finger to take care of him. it was all about survival and stitching blinkers into the sides of your head so you dont falter#dont think about how youre going to get through this just get through it. dont think about how youre going to be doing this for the rest of#your life just get it done. he clipped his own wings and chained himself to the rock he believed in so that when it was dropped in the ocean#he would fall with it without question this is a man who cut his own brake lines because stopping was not an option hes so coooool i cannot#stress enough how he was going to die a horrible death if the world hadnt ended and suddenly he was freed from all obligations. the second#he was awake though ? right back to it. suddenly its his job to recreate the world anew. pure. according to his ideals. nobody should have#to suffer as he did and he will protect them all... hes responsible for them all. it wont be the same as last time this time for sure theyll#get it right. Right? of course theres no room for doubt. that voice at the back of his head has to be crushed underfoot if he stops moving#then he'll fail and he cannot fail ... thats all there is to it he just cant fail. hes literally awesome ... my best friend tsukasaaaaa#and the other guy too i guess
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hehehe
#feeling bad that i cant just be content to post something#but when i get 4 notes or 20 notes or 50 notes it's not enough#and when i get thousands of views on youtube videos it's the ones that i no longer have any attachment to#like im supposed to give a shit about capturing that lightning in a bottle when its a song im not proud of anymore#that i made at a point in my life im glad is over#ive met a couple fans who have mentioned liking kirby pride and kirbtober specifically#and it makes me so happy that they like the stuff that i still like#i knlw i should like my backlog but#to me they serve as keepsakes and nothing more#a stepping stone to where i was when i started my minecraft cover “series”#that lead me to kirby pride#which lead me to making songs easier which lead me to kirbtober#which burnt me out and lead me to I need to#which exists but only in my head#and on my computer#the album so close yet so far#every step i take towards completing it the clearer it is that the goal is at the horizon#and oh my god thats only the first half#i guess i should try not to spoil part 2 but its still too much in a concept phase#as much as i hate that#the first half is called 'I need to' and it's an album about my experiences after i graduated in 2022 and links awakening#about stagnation#wasting my time#part 2 is called 'wake up'#and it's about my choice at the end of Links awakening#to stop playing after i opened the wind fish's egg#moving past the world i knew was too hard a thought to bear#so i buried it#i havent seriously touched the game after that#and in a way that i cant explain to myself in a way other than music i feel as though i have done this
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I'm incorrigible because every time I open the Doc I'm writing today's yesterday's Kinktober prompt in, I switch back over to my tumblr tabs jfccc
#i told myself i was only gonna write 1-2k word fics but NO yestedays turned into a 4k+ fic that i cant finish now lmaooooo#broooooooooo#thats why i wanted to do SHORT fics#anyway my goal is just gonna be to see how many out of 31 i can do regardless of the specific day hahaha#kinktober#ao3
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'going to georgia' by the mountain goats but it's about lee everett during twdg s1
#.#i don't have the energy to explain myself on this one#i have a lot of complex thoughts about this that i dont think i can fully articulate rn#twdg#lee everett#oh actually im going to elaborate on one part of this because i might forget#the whole 'crossing the macon county line' repeating part of the song#lee grew up in macon#and i like the emphasis in the song of not just travelling to georgia#but having to go through macon to be there#(having to get over a hurdle to get somewhere)#and to lee the first time they go to macon after the apocalypse begins. thats still his home.#but by the time he leaves and they're back on their way to their final destination#hes gotten closure. and knows that place itsnt him anymore#but yeah theres that one part in the song where it replaces the macon line#with “this is nowhere. going to georgia”. which would be him letting go of macon. and all of his past. focusing on his current self + goal#and with all the verses and everything#i like to think that clementine. whilst softening him up as person#also makes lee unbind himself from his past. most of which he stores in macon#because of not only growing up there#but also feeling the guilt of showing up there again after his conviction#because that was the only place he could still call home#and knowing every good memory he had left was tainted with that one mistake. because all he had nothing else but his home#so yeah. after the apocalypse. before he got the closure in macon#that was the one place he had unfinished business. and its what was holding him back#so being able to say#he's simply 'crossing the macon county line' in the end. not even regarding it as nowhere. regarding it for what it was.#is monumental#even more#its not acknowledging that macon is a place of negative significance for him
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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