#that's not how u make friends online
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i'd like to thank not only god but also statcounter
#thank u statcounter <3#anon identified#and blocked#i'm sry i've been very nice very patient but i don't fuck w/ trolls#it'd be nice to not be spammed incessantly and then policed thank u <3#that's not how u make friends online#maybe my responses are funny or entertaining but that's no excuse to send people strange shit
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actual life goal is forcing spirkers to acknowledge bones at all
#the number of times iāve just barely held myself back from going āhey u do realise there is a Man inches from them rightā#u donāt even need to ship mcspirk i just need u to acknowledge that he exists and he is there and he is spirkās closest friend#like god yāall see the fucking camping trip and itās just āoh look spirkā bitch what. what.#anyway current urge is to literally make a museum-style things just showing off Bones but i might actually make an online archive#simply because he gets so terribly ignored and not just by the fandom either#like why does paramount do so much with the fucking GORN but doesnāt touch bones. why do star trek analyses look at spirk#and not at my guy who is there for damn near all of the stories. everyone i speak to irl who knows star trek has at least once looked at me#and asked who tf i was talking about when i said bones was my favourite. how do people not know who he is.#star trek#bones mccoy#leonard mccoy#leonard 'bones' mccoy
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Another page from the Loop Being Emo In The Woods WIP! The aftermath of the little episode from the previous page I posted. This oneās finished, and I need to think long and hard abt whether this level of detail is like, sustainable for something 15 pages long š
This comic originated from wanting to see more straight up sifloop romance, with pining and sad eyes and angsty internal monologues and tropey romcom bits and a healthy mix of drama/comedy. I plotted out a couple funny little one page comics, then got into thinking about character motivations and emotional beats, and now weāre like, maybe 15 comics/scenes/chaoters plotted and storyboarded in this universe? But because I hate keeping things simple, every one of those fucking comics is between 6-15 pages long and dialogue heavy, and Iām getting mired in the characterization of it all (not even counting getting mired in the visual storytelling and the plot progression of it all! And not even getting started on the āstill very new to digital art, how does one use procreateā of it all!) Soooo haha Iām in danger :3
If anyone wants to talk in dms or on discord abt this comic and the greater sifloop shipping trash story itās part of, hit me up! Especially if you know your way around plotting out a story a lil bit. I donāt know how to start conversations online š but I like to think I bring a lot to the table talking meta, trading wips and other art that I canāt post here, making lil comics from discord bits, and exchanging help with plotting/storyboarding/dialogue/character interpretations.
#official thanks to every early 00s manga for the āperson had a mental breakdown and now theyāre in a giant circle of destroyed treesā visual#I need someone to gently take my pen like āKiri babe donāt u think thatās enough detail for this one page? remember you gotta do 14 morāeā#I touched too much grass and forgot how to make friends online :(#last time I posted sth like this I got my first fandom friend so Iām doing it again š#I cannot stress how much I need a literal invitation to start a direct conversation with someone#so this is a literal invitation to hit me up here or on discord (same username)#isat#in stars and time#isat loop#my art#art#isat fanart
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This is going to sound mean but I mean this in the most sincere and compassionate way I possibly can:
If you see a comment on the internet that is transphobic towards your group and your first assumption is that the person who wrote it is a different kind of transgender and not cis, especially if that comment is completely removed from all context or anonymous, no avatar or username or anything, take that as a sign to log off for a few days or pick up a new hobby.
#spitblaze says things#im tired and the amount of bait going around presented as sincere is neigh on unbearable#like yes obviously there are trans people who are shitheads about other kinds of trans people but PLEASE think for a moment#about the odds of this actually being an Evil Nonbinary Person Who Wants All Binaries Dead vs some bored chud trying to sow discord#why do you assume it was a transmasc who wrote that cropped comment saying that they don't want to give up using a transfem-specific slur#(and no it's not the B one)#why do u assume a transfem wrote that comment about transmasc being a 'cultural void who only produce twee ukelele songs abt bugs'#why are you assuming that the people who hate you are other trans people? why do you assume the worst of your own community?#please dont let online discourse determine how you view other members of your community.#someone not sharing your gender identity does not automatically preclude them thinking of yours as abusive or predatory#and them not sharing yours does not mean they will be abusive or predatory to you either#someone SHARING your gender identity doesnt mean they wont be abusive or predatory#the odds someone with your identity will 'get you' are a lot better and to that end hell yeah make more friends like yourself#if you're doing it because you think it will 'keep you safe' though. uh.#well if they start telling you that you cant trust ppl who dont share their identity its time to start checking the BITE model#but thats neither here nor there.#stop reading the first three sentences of other ppls posts about their own oppression and then getting mad for not including your group#and putting words in their mouth about it also. thats a problem as old as time but yknow. dont be a tar pit
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Prolly gonna be my one and only rwde post (cus the fanbase is rancid and I'm not rlly a rwby fan, just a person who watches the show): some of you rwby fans are too comfortable using your queerness as a shield to silence BIPOC voices about the racist writing and your 'precious' bigoted CRWBY. You guys unironically act/think that just because you have to deal with queerphobia; you are IMMUNE to being bigoted yourself and you are INCAPABLE of parroting bigoted beliefs. Cus I know there will be a dumbass ant1-rwde posters who will try to drown out this post by saying its 'lies from the EVIL RWDE!!!': You would rather weaponize your queerness to bash on BIPOC voices, while claiming to care about our voices. You would rather be complicit with the racist writers and their racist writing, just because your racist writers gave you a queer ship. There is no shame nor issue in projecting the abused you suffered onto the characters, however you refuse to see through the characters and their writing through a BIPOC lens. You do not get the right to impose your perspective of the characters at the expense of BIPOC voices, you do not get to twist our voices to be alt-right bigots because we called out RWBY's rampant racism. You do not get the right to say you give a shit about BIPOC and have #BLM in your bio when you fervently defend your bigoted company. You do not get to pretend to care about racism when you buy merch off of your bigoted company. My fellow BIPOC (especially the queer BIPOC): why are you guys so comfortable dismissing your fellow poc about their discomfort with RWBY's racist writing? BIPOC are not a monolith with the same opinions about racism in media; but some of you guys are weirdly comfortable with turning a blind eye to your fellow BIPOC getting dogpiled by the white fandom. We can and will disagree, you not agreeing as a BIPOC about RWBY's racist writing is not what I take issue with. The issue lies within you upholding the racial colourblindness in the fandom; like how the fandom was ok with throwing the racism under the bus in favour of queerness, you are ok with throwing your BIPOC peers under the bus for white queerness. Sincerely, a POC who has been watching the fandoms rampant racism problem ever since 2019.
#rwde#bitches be like: 'yeah we know that rwby handled racism bad :)))'#then get fucking furious when you say 'adam taurus being retconned from a minority rights fighter to an abusive ex was kinda bad'#go watch unicornofwar's white fang video and think about it holy shit. listen to the white guy if u dont wanna listen to poc#white fans get furious when you say that rwby has a racism problem TO THIS DAY#you dare mention how the 'villains' are all poc with visible ethnic traits/darker skin tones#while our heroes are white as fucking paper with zero ethnic traits#they would scream to the heavens that ruby and yang are chinese#despite being very much modelled off of white women/afabs#while also be giddy about whitewashing james to fit their evil facist dictator narrative#despite james being modelled off of an ACTUAL asian man unlike ruby and yang#and is one of the few characters who have visible ethnic features unlike ruby and yang#fandom racism goes unchecked over here and i have never felt so unsafe in a fandom#at the end of the day: ig white ppl will always prioritize themselves at the expense of bipoc#'omg we're ur allies#i totally understand how it feels like to be discriminated against š„ŗ'#<- not even a week later you borderline gaslight a poc rightfully saying its fucking weird to be making animal jokes about blake#at this point? call me a slur#dont pretend you give a shit about me as a poc#dont even fucking bother being my friend as a white queer if ur just gonna spout the same shit i see online#rwby fans you guys are one of the most racist fandoms out there#btw if you guys are gonna come at me with racism and harassment#you will be blocked <3#especially if u are as slavic as the vikings#do not bother lecturing a poc about how ur racist anime isn't that racist
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also while we're here i would like to share the two iterations of tumblr user gorespawn that have existed since i abandoned this blog back in like early 2021. Who wants me
#i grew my hair out so i could twirl my hair while giggling about bald men#and also t.o.p of bigbang#and short men i see at the grocery store who honestly make me feel light-headed with raw and unbridled Want#but that's just a joke. i am. Lesbian#''no ur not'' I AM#anyway i used to be so ripped and hunky but now i am frail and sickly#what getting a job can do to a mf#thankfully i quit my job last week YIPPIIIEEEEEEE so now i will work towards becoming an absolute hunk again#wish me luck#ALSO#if anyone is obsessed with me and remembers all my lore i used to be transgender and i still am like lowkey on the down low#but in a new exciting way#anyway i used to be a gay man and then a stone butch dyke (as seen above) but now im practicing being a girl#it is very difficult but it is also fun. ive never been a girl before so it's a lot#anyway i bought two super cool sexy dresses yesterday for the first time ever in my life#sexy dresses meaning up to my neck and down to my feet and past my elbows. kind of like a wardrobe straight out of the handmaid's tale#from (to quote my friend) ''*The* old lady store'' thanks man. well i think theyre pretty and its v exciting bc ive never been a girl befor#anyway#who wants me#i still use the name emil online btw and i honestly always will i think it's just so me and also i do still answer to he/him dw#in a man way not in a he/him lesbian way#''he's LGBTQA+'' what. all at once?#yes.#i have mastered them all i have collected all the genders and all the sexualities and ive never been ''wrong''#it just keeps switching. which is fine. well im a girl now. in a detransitioning man way. who is insanely attracted to men#but you will have to tear this lesbian label out of my cold dead hands#''you can't call urself lesbian if u have sex w men'' well first of all fuck you and second of all i am celibate so you dont need to worry#''what the hell are you talking about'' nothing. now look how hot i am#im just joking around i hope that's fine w y'all
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im like saying this while half asleep. but its so cruel how people will hate black edits but then turn around and defend like loli porn. its always "its just a drawing" until its a black person. i saw someone so fuckin mad over a black edit they said "now i understand why this skin color is discriminated against" like i genuinely from the bottom of my heart. do not trust people like i did before. in online spaces. you get proven time and time again that most people cant wait until they can go mask off racist. lol.
#.me#in general most of you are rather antiblack in general. you think simply going āblmā is enough.#you spat in our faces. you lied to us. you make it difficult for us to even breathe and you block us when were āproblematicā#but u can never say how were āproblematicā in general. i dont like most of u and im glad most of my friends are black people.#online AND in person
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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omg omg omg Iāve been Embarassed to have anyone over while living with family and also have been worried that im worthless as a person and friend for a long time, but my pal from college who I hung out with the other day wants to come over and hang out and I said ok!!! They donāt mind that I donāt have my own place and Iām gonna show them how to do some makeup basics and if all goes well, i will officially introduce a new disciple into my Good Ass Popcorn Cult (cult of people who recognize how fucking exceptional I am at making stove popcorn)
#im so happy they still like me#I still like them#and Iāve been making more friends and reaching out without being scared im not allowed#and some are online#but I forgive them š#ellis and ren if u see this u r the realest online homies who im not deeply in love with#thatās just Julian :3#also I think I was ok at my friends party?#same friend from post it was a game night#I always feel like such a freak and im so worried im gonna swing too hard and put ppl off#but it was great#it was easy#I donāt remember the last time being with people was easy like that#I feel like the sun is up a little#itās been so fucking lonely#personally I mean NOT feeling great abt the world#but unfortunately we do keep truckin#ok thatās pretty much how I feel about all of this I love you goodbye
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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you can now buy my little orufrey zine i made!
a 36 page, b&w a5 amateur zine made up of orufrey art i've drawn this year so far. alone is Ā£6 + shipping and they can also come with a mini print add-on, a 4x6 photo print for Ā£8.50 total.
the first 6 orders will come with a free official bromide :)
#i have 2 easthies 2 coco 1 tartah and 1 olruggio -#i don't really know how to gauge this or how many i'll sell or how quick or anything really so uh..assume you're just getting the zine..#but if you want this and you order asap then let me know in the notes if you'd like any of them or you'd not want a certain character haha#AND BEAR WITH MEEEEE this is the first time i've ever done something like this! it took kinda a lot of setup#but it seems bigcartel is pretty nice. we'll see how this goes lol#idk if that's even too much or too little for a zine but someone advised me that it's fine so...That's how it goes#it's all art that's online anyway haha but i'm like..disabled and stuff..it's a way to help me out & own my art @ the same time if u want..#this is my first ever time printing my own work so it's not like. professional quality#but this is how 'zines' are supposed to be after all!#international shipping btw! shipping won't be too much since it's less than 100g and same whether or not there's a print/bromide!#i think i can ship anywhere?????? the royal mail said so.....i hope that's true...#paypal or stripe is ok btw.. if this goes well i will make and sell more stuff...i like printing..#OH BRUSHBUG AND TASSELS NOT INCLUDED............they are my friends
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everyday europeans find new ways to piss me off
#šÆ talks#like how are u gonna constantly call americans stupid and act like ur better#and then when an american brings up the number of top unis in the usa vs europe#all of the sudden ur yapping abt 'why do americans wanna make everything a competiton'#like its fine for u to act like were inherently dumber than u bc were american but its an issue if we defend ourselves#jesus fucking christ#and ofc its not all europeans blah blah blah#and ik its gotta be like an annoying loud minority that feel emboldened by being online#still doesnt mean it wont annoy me when hundreds of them all congregate in the comments of one americans videos#and the whole 'americans think europe is a country' bc americans refer to it as a whole as europe#like.... im not gonna individually list out all 44-50 countries when i can just say euopre#'euro summer' and they get sooooo pissed#'americans are so stupid they dont even know that europe is a continent and not a country'#now if we use our brains and some common sense maybe we could figure out why someone might refer to a trip where theyre visiting multiple#european countries as 'euro summer'#i do that in the us too#when i visited a bunch of states in the north east i said i went to the northeast#also in america 'im visiting europe' is an invitation to ask which countries in specific and continue the conversation#and when they act like they know more than americans abt america#just bc they watched disney channel and friends
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any time i remember time lord victorious arc i start shaking like a sick fucking dog
#having an extraordinarily hard time watching waters of mars rn literally episode of all fucking time#they dont make them like this anyMOOOOOOOOOORE OHHMY GODDDD#icould talk abt it for hours istg it's so. grips you shakes you shakes you shakes you shakes you sh#the WAYYDYDYDHDHDJDJDJDUJDJDHDJDUDJD THHHEEEE THE THE THE . HTHHEHEH#the way u can see glimpses of what's to come in all 4 seasons but especially in voyage of the#damned and then s4 onwards but u dont realise JUST how much he went insane until now#like there's echoes of this in votd but you might not even pick up on it if you dont Know#n here he's just fully gone it's sooo. IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOO. CHARACTER OF ALL TIME#man so profoundly tragic his entire story is abt speedrunning losing everything and#going insane and dying. and yet he still spends like 20 entire minutes crying and begging not to die. okay#i cant rank drs they're my best friends so idk who my fave dr is but 10's is easily my favourite story it's so. it's SOOO.#anyway sorry. stops shaking you and pats your arms down awkwardly. carry on#doctor who#dw lb#10th doctor#the waters of mars#time lord victorious#i was today years old when i learned there's apparently a whole audio series about it that#came out in the past few years. well i aint listenin to that. everything i need is on my screen already#also. the way most ppl havent even seen these specials coz they're impossible to find online..#even tho waters of mars is like. not just extremely important but also yknow. extremely good
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omg i literally love wheelbitten as a comic and ur art is amazing
random question but how long have u been drawing as an artist and do u have advice.............
thank uuuu and I've been drawin my ass off since I could hold a pencil and I'm 24 (25 next month) now so this shit wasn't overnight by any means lmfao idk the way i did it was have A Thing that you like drawing and just draw the fuck outa it and eventually you'll get better for sure whether it be the desire to get better at drawing said thing makes you do research and study something to become better at it or just literal muscle memory from drawing said thing so much. I had lil spouts of taking time to get better at specific things like anatomy, shading, ect. by studying it but overall i just subconsciously got better by mentally picking up new things everytime i draw and analyzing the world around me. Even recently i got to see that with drawing tactical gear (that ive never really drawn before and never wanted to draw in my life) soley bc i just REALLY fukkin love Ghost and Konig
i went from being terrified and intimidated of drawing tactical gear (even trying to put a gun in front of it as if that was any better lmfao) it used to be vague as hell and my brain would shut down just trying to look at the references(i remember having a ''shit man am i even gunna be able to draw these characters???'' moment of dread the first time i was drawing Konig pffft) to absolutely loving drawing tactical gear and seeing how much more detailed i can make it with every new drawing, so a complete 180 but that's bc im just totally obsessed with the characters and drawing is how i express that sO thats mainly what i mean by just have a thing that you love and want to draw and the rest should follow with time, patience, and practice. I think it's about training your brain and motivation to pick up on details or a certain way something looks in lighting (or lack thereof) bc my brain is probably wired a certain way after art being like a centerpiece of my development to the point to where drawing is just What I Do and at this point if i dont draw for even a few days i start getting vaguely antsy and fidgety it's crazy lmfao SO idk if this is worded like i need it to but yeah art and the act of drawing can be frustrating as hell but it should be enjoyable and rewarding above all else at the end of the day!
#i drew bc the piece of shit im unfortunately biologically related to drew a lot when we were kids so id just copy her#then i drew winged wolves and dragons and the occasional horse for like 7 years then The Axel obsession started#where i drew axel from kindom hearts literally all the time and had 870000 aus for him where i would draw for all of them#when i tell you the obsession for him was catastrophic u best believe but it kept me drawing like a motherfucker until i made my monster oc#which was around the age of 15 is when i started consistently drawing humanoids#OH YEAH i had a whole lion king phase too in 2011 where i would strictly draw lions all the time and my first record of drawing online was#on the lion king fanart archive (which i still visit to look back its like visiting an old janky friend:') )#but yeah then my heart was stolen by my ocs and all the potential designs i could make them#and thats where i am now aside from the festering COD masked men obsession boiling over in the corner AHA#so basically latch onto an obsession and pick up that damn pencil#even as a kid if i liked anything the immediate connection was trying to draw it#didnt matter how weird to draw or undrawable it was my ass would be in that notebook bc its the only way i know how to express myself lmfao#this is long as fuck but NOW im out peace skskksk
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not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER
#i hated her to an unhealthy amount imma be so real#bc ive never done an internet sin of like shittalking outside of priv accs/dms#or interacting anonymously with people i hate etc etc#but there are things that are like corruptions for your own soul from how sour hatred can get#and she did that to me. and i only hated her enough to do that#i have only ever in my life actively hatestalked her blog when i was 14 bc she made me so fucking mad everyday#ive only ever in my life hatestalked her like shes the only reason i can comprehend why people are compelled to hatestalk#this was all back when i was like 14 tho lol and#ugh... im sorry. as you can tell the hatred i feel towards her is like soul corrupting level#i want to say im sure she has grown up to be a fine person and logically i know this is true#but also part of me is like there is no fucking way this bitch grew up to be a fine person like the lobotomy part of my brain is saying that#i will not tell you who she is btw so dont send me an ask begging for the user#and if for some reason you have a hunch who it is. you never know you could be wrong and even if youre not i dont condone harassment towards#her or like yknow just any association like leave her tf alone#i dont have fans who love me enough or are crazy parasocial to harass someone i personally hate/hated#but still just in case#shes not an actual bad person. i just hate her so much that it makes ME a bad person on the inside#its why im so glad that i turned 15 and went i need to stop looking at her forever or else i will reincarnate as a mosquito#ill only talk to u abt her if we are at least acquatiances with eachother#and i dont think anybody will be able to figure out who she is actually bc i never once was mean to her outside of telling my close friends#i wanted her dead. me when i dont act like a beast online despite the vietnamese devil inside me
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maybe i should just be grateful he didnt full on block me everywhere
#but... does it matter when he doesnt even talk to me..#im like mentally and emotionally blocked lol#im trying so hard not to spam him w messages and get myself actually blocked#but i wanna die#i dont understand how he can just .. not care abt me#i really need to get over this but idk how#i need to start accepting that my blog is my ONLY friend#and i need to talk to my blog as i want to talk to a friend#then it wont matter anymore if ppl come and go#bc my blog will always be my best friend#i need toget ober the avpd shame of like damn i posted this and got 0 notes#bc i dont post for notes#in fact the less ppl who follow and see the better bc getting attention is scary#but im like wow if someone sees this theyll think im a loser#but i dont actually care!!!#anyway i wanna send cat pics to someone#and he doesnt wanyt my cat pics anymore#so i should like make a tag on my blog which is my real friend#and share pics of my cat whenever i want#thats good too bc then i can save it as memory on my online diary#^-^!!!#but bc of childhoos neglect i have this compulsive need to share things WITH a person#anyway i need to get over that#im sad bc i miss HIM as a person but also that i could share things w him#but yeah... whatever!!! i should be happy he hasnt blocked me. yet.... :(#and i need to be careful and not give into the urge to message him and be like umm why dont j care i miss u helloooo#bc then he willblock me and yeah i cant dealwith that :((
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