#that’s what I think there ship name should be

[generallemarc]

Because the reality is that we (women) *should* be afraid of you

Really? People I've never met should be afraid of me because of the demographic I was born into? Y'know, I once heard someone else say the exact same thing. His name was Richard Spencer, and he has some ideas on demography I think you'll find quite attractive.

(I’m curious what you think are “all the primary industries,” by the way?

Farming, mining, logging, shipping, trucking, construction and factory work. More women in STEM, more women in politics, but no women in those. Y'all would rather we keep those jobs.

If you think you deserve to be included, then act like it.

Better idea-if you think you deserve to be treated like a decent human being instead of a jackass who says I must be judged by the worst members of my demographic, act like it. Maybe I'll return the favor and judge you by the worst members of your demographic which, just off of my personal experiences, entitles you to several decades behind bars. So, are we gonna act like adults, or are you going to keep throwing a tantrum about how I, personally, am responsible for all evil men everywhere for having committed the unforgivable sin of being born male?

man hating will never be progressive. you can't take terf shit and slap a rainbow coat of paint on it and act like it's somehow now based and woke and pro queer rights. snap out of it.

[comatosebunny09]

carpe noctem [ climax ] | sylus

— summary: sylus drags you onto a mission with him for old time’s sake. and you slide into familiarity, almost like there isn’t a wedge in the form of a beautiful young hunter driving you apart. — cw: explicit sexual content, reader is not mc, reader implied to be femme, assassin!reader, mentions of blood, profanity, mentions of pedophilia, mentions of human trafficking, minor character death, men with guns, reader has a shitty past, self-destructive behavior, reader doing her assassin duties, a little romance sprinkled in between, mdni — notes: inspired by mr. & mrs. smith. thank you so much for reading, lovely! [ part 1 | part 2 | part 3 ] — now playing: cariño - the marías — obligatory tags: @withering-dream @an-ever-angry-bi @midiplier @abbylee0710 @picnicthegarden @karespocketboyfriends @chrissy26 @delulusimps @glamouroki @midiplier @celestemcbrim @everywherenothere @ari-shipping-stuff @beewilko @alexhenituse @nim-rose @moonlight-inthe-sea @sunnyf4lls @himiko-omikami @inkonparchment @sillyfreakfanparty @regandoesthings @im-in-different-universe @ravensheart18 @alyyylog @corvid007 (sorry if i missed anyone.)

He wanted to make love. You wanted to fuck.

He wanted you, all tender and pliant beneath him, his name hinged in your throat. He wanted to worship you, to uncover the erogenous zones of your body piece by piece, and to expose you like forgotten treasure buried deep beneath rotting ruins. 

But you reasoned you didn’t have time. You were in a hurry—a hurry for what, exactly, you couldn’t pinpoint. 

Perhaps you were rushing to feel something, in a hurry to please and to feel useful as you tore his shirt from his shoulders, his body rigid and searing between the thick of your thighs. Pleasing is all you know, serving embedded in your chemical makeup, no room to pursue your own desires. 

Your mouths came together so abruptly that your teeth clashed. The counter of his kitchen island was glacial and tacky beneath your thighs. You’d barely divested yourself of your coat before you drew him into an ardent dance of tongues, his abs twitching beneath the artful crawl of your fingers. You tugged at the give of his pants, quietly yet vehemently demanding he take them off. He drew back, wild-eyed and hair mussed, eyes drowsy with want.

“We should slow down,” he sighed, hot and open-mouthed where your shoulder met neck. Blistered down to your collarbone where he nipped, hands roosted on your hips, thumbs soothingly cruising over juts of bone. 

It made you sick, his tenderness. You weren’t glass and didn’t deserve to be handled like it. 

You chuckled something husky and bitter, tossing your thoughts to the wolves. Your fingers raked through his hair. Grabbing the scruff of his neck, you brought his mouth back to yours, trapping any further words of protest in his throat. 

You didn’t want to think. Didn’t want complications. Just wanted to be driven by sensation, tucking your inhibitions into the darkest hulls of your mind. 

You’re a bit of a masochist. You enjoy punishing yourself for misdeeds you’ve constructed in your mind—having feelings for your boss, secretly envying your friend. Your use is slowly running its course, and you’ll one day be thrown to the wayside. 

You figure you don’t deserve kindness. Sensitivity. You don’t deserve a slow love, the steady creep of an orgasm bubbling in your stomach, invoked by the sluggish grind of hips, words of affirmation whispered like the sweetest supplication into your ear.

No.

You deserve to be used, lusted after. You’ve spent most of your adult life with that mentality, your past having engraved that under your skin. You’ve been a weapon for as long as you can remember. A tool. Loveless. Which is why, when the gentleman who’d frequented Lux wanted to take his time with you, you declined, opting for something more ragged and intense. 

He took you hard and rough on his counter at your behest. Left you open, bare, laughing, battling to get your breath under control. You stayed the night to humor him. Let him hold you as he stroked the sweetest compliments of all with ghostly fingers into your skin as the stars in the sky gave way to the gentle spill of sun rays. 

You crept out of his arms and apartment once he sank below the misty shawl of sleep. He’d inquire about your whereabouts later—ask why you didn’t stay. You rarely did. Tonight, you felt weak. 

You’d ignore him until you next needed him. When the urge to forget sunk its talons into your chest, curling around your heart and squeezing. 

You had a mission to prepare for. Sylus’ name lit up your notifications, cryptic as ever with minimal words. You’d deal with your feelings later. 

There was work to be done.

Besides, you didn’t even remember his name. 

How could you face him when you’d uttered someone else’s name while he was deep inside you?

—

You pay for your escapades in the form of pretty petals of blue and green blooming on your neck the following night. Bite marks. 

You rub at the raw skin for the nth time, a hiss forced through grit teeth. Maybe he was a little too rough. Concealer works wonders, coupled with your glamor. Still doesn’t take away the sting, but you suppose the pain is your punishment for being weak.

You stretch, yawning. Shift until the leather of the car’s backseat squeaks. You sense his eyes on you in your periphery, boring down to the marrow. The fine hairs littering your body stand on end. You maneuver again, leant against the door, cheek propped on your knuckles. 

You try to focus on the scenery unfolding beyond the car’s windshield. Powdery stars spilled over a deep violet canvas. The red glare of brake lights every so often as you approach another vehicle. Try to focus on the driver’s fingers readjusting on the steering wheel, on the fixed hum of the engine, and how it intermingles with the gentle bumps on the road. Home in on your breathing and the thunderous drum of your heart. He’s been watching you like this since you eased into the car—Sylus. 

You get this creeping suspicion he wants to say something. Like he knows all your secrets, having perused through them like they’re the yellowed pages of a book. Nah. He wouldn’t know what kind of night you had. He wouldn’t care. You’re a grown woman, capable of making your own mistakes and reaping the repercussions of them. He has other things on his mind—other people. 

Another yawn escapes you. You curse yourself for not grabbing coffee on your way out. Too busy pouring yourself into your dress, painting your face with makeup, and meticulously tucking your weapons away. 

“Long day?” says Sylus. You jolt the slightest bit at the grit of his voice. How it breaks up the silence and sets your stomach alight with dragonflies. Fabric shifts. His exhale is weighted beside you, thigh brushing yours as he spreads his legs, so very big in comparison to the backseat. 

You force a smile, smoothing out the wrinkles of your dress. “You could say that.”

You feel the shift in his gaze. There’s a whisper of bitterness in his tone when he next speaks. “Maybe you should spend less time pursuing your hobbies at night and more time sleeping.”

This time, you do turn. Cut your eyes to him, mouth tugged up with confusion. His expression reads passivity. Mouth scrawled into a rigid line, scarlet eyes fixed to yours, unrelenting. Something’s off about him tonight. You sensed it in the brevity of his call when he phoned you to outline your mission—you’d be accompanying him tonight to a banquet. A glittering, amenable doll on his arm, smiling pretty like murder wasn’t rotting your mind. You’d lure your target away to be snuffed out like a candle’s flame. Slip out without drawing suspicion, and the world would be rid of another shit stain. 

He quirks a brow, wordlessly challenging you. No customary smirk comes this time. Just the air weighted with something tense. Your throat clicks when you swallow. You opt for obliviousness, laughing it off despite the gnarling feeling in your gut worming its way up your throat. Despite every synapse in your brain screaming for you to fire back. You’re reading too much into things. He’s being his usual, detached self, and not because he knows you were up to no good last night.

Right?

“Maybe I should.” 

The tendons in Sylus’ neck pull, jaw tensing. For a moment, he looks like he wants to keep prodding. But he instead averts his gaze when the driver chimes in, announcing you’ve arrived at your destination. 

The venue’s tawny spotlights dance over the windshield as the car crawls to a stop. People donned in expensive formalwear line the sidewalk, animatedly chatting as they await entry. You take some time to admire the historic, art deco architecture before your door opens, the crisp evening air spilling in and fanning over your skin. 

You look up when Sylus offers you his arm. His expression softens considerably, contrasting the wet cat he was moments ago. There’s a hint of a smile twitching his lips. He almost looks boyish, and you can’t help taking him in. He’s dressed to the nines, tucked in a three-piece tux, bow tie meticulously tied, hair swept up into a pretty, alabaster coif.

Your lips spasm. You peel yourself from the seat, gathering up the trail of your dress. Twine your arm with his, allowing him to shepherd you through the throng of people. It almost feels like old times, their voices petering to a hush when they catch sight of you. They part like a school of fish as the pair of you make your way up the steps leading to the venue’s doors.

“Stay frosty,” you joke to dispel your nerves, standing before the heavy, double doors, waiting for the attendees to open them. 

Sylus snorts, his arm flexing beneath the possessive clutch of your fingers. He pinches the bridge of his nose. And the exasperation in his voice makes your eyes crinkle with mirth. “Please, never say that again.”

You slide into familiarity thereafter, almost like there wasn’t a wedge in the form of a beautiful young hunter driven between you.

—

She said something curious to you when you arrived at the airport earlier—Ms. Hunter. You had the time to spare. You wanted to ask why she requested you drive her instead of Sylus. But you didn’t push it, figuring she had her reasons. Maybe she didn’t have the energy for his nagging, his fretting. She should be so lucky. 

She’d be gone for a couple of weeks, swept up in the grueling task of protecting researchers in the mountains from Wanderers. A part of you felt sorry for her. Worried. But she was a big girl. If she could smack Sylus around in Kitty Cards, she could dodge a few teeth and claws, no problem. 

“Need help?” you asked over your shoulder, the SUV’s engine humming idly at the airport’s drop-off point. 

She smiled at you from the backseat. “I got it!” She chirped as she fetched her oversized suitcase from the floor. 

She rounded the vehicle, bowing to your level at the window. Up close, her smile looked more mischievous than usual. Smile lines bracketed her honey-dipped eyes as she murmured, “Be nice to Sylus. He’s trying, ya know?” 

You pinned her with a quizzical look, your mouth working around a retort. She left before you could get a word out. You watched her slip through the crowd of travelers milling about before she was out of sight, leaving you to mull over what the hell that meant.

—

It starts to make sense as time passes what she meant. 

When you’ve gorged yourself on conversation and champagne, nestled between politicians, CEOs, socialites, and people of the like. Fickle, spewing gossip you can’t be bothered to keep up with. 

Sylus rarely leaves your side, only slipping away to chat up old colleagues or to procure you more bubbly. Always has a hand, scorching and possessive, at the small of your back, or an arm slung about your waist, drawing you into the safety his body exudes. He doesn’t correct anyone when they address you as his, giving you a subdued, amused look when you work your mouth into amending them.

You titter shyly, toying with your necklace. Maybe this is a part of your cover—pretending to be his significant other, all pretty and docile at his side. You won’t complain. It’s nice being this close, feeling wanted, and being envied in a different way. Not for your body, but for the man wrapped so willingly around your finger. 

It’s felt like ages since you’ve last done a gig together, so you’ll enjoy his attention, even if it’s all a ploy, while you can.

The evening slides by in a blur of twinkling chandeliers and laughter. 

Sylus draws you into a dance, and the pair of you are swallowed up by the mass of swaying couples and the string orchestra. Your cheeks ache with a smile, your limbs and inhibitions loosened by the champagne. He holds you to him as you waltz, his body rigid and devastating against yours, languorous fingers curled around your nape. He hasn’t stopped smiling, a boyish dimple cratering his cheek. Hasn’t released you from the scarlet stir of his eyes since, and you smoosh your face against pectoral muscle, hiding the warmth splotching your cheeks.  

His heart thrums something steady beneath your ear. Beneath the expensive pleat of his tux. Breaths even, his bewitching scent furling in your chest like smoke. You let him lead you about the glittering marble tiles of the dance floor, feeling like you’re in a dream. Perhaps it’s the bubbly that’s got you toddling through a dreamlike fog, but a fraction of you starts to think, just for a second, you’re more than a cover, and your boss isn’t so detached, shoving you to the back burner in favor of someone else. 

Your breath is sharp when he suddenly peels away, expertly twirling you. You laugh as your dress flutters around your ankles, nearly tripping you up. He dips you as the music dampens, the beautiful scenery tilting and blurring. Swathed in the tawny, dim lighting of the banquet hall, you make out his features, something akin to affection loosening his expression, and the smile slips from your face. 

The world fades away, and only the pair of you seem to exist in this moment. He pulls you closer until your vision fills with red, fringed by dark, wispy lashes sweeping over cheeks mottled pink. His lips purse as his gaze slides to your mouth, breath stirring your baby hairs. You hold your breath as he eases in, appearing like he’ll kiss you, and you’re stricken by something hot. Your mouths but a hairsbreadth apart, he whispers something that makes your heart sink to your feet.

“It’s showtime.”

The magic of the moment falls away as he steadies you. A pout worms its way onto your face as Sylus tangles your fingers together, a chuckle swelling in his chest. He leads you back to your table, still holding your hand, even long after you’ve returned to your seats.

—

Nikolai is easy to manipulate. To bend to your will. Of course, he is. All men are if you know how to approach them. 

It helps that your glamor erases a few years off your face, giving you the appearance of a young woman barely experiencing the world. His favorite. It only takes you fluttering your lashes, laughing pretty, and flattering him to get him to take you back to his hotel room.

On the surface, he’s a passive, middle-aged man who looks like he wouldn’t harm a fly. But beneath that facade, he’s a scourge waiting to be wiped out. He’s as despicable as everyone else you’ve bumped off, auctioning off girls to nefarious men under the guise of selling “harmless little dolls.” Moonlighting as a franchise owner, using his stores as a ruse to smuggle young girls through the channels of the underworld. 

You take that personally, having once been on the auctioning floor yourself. Memories of a past painted red flood your mind, and it makes your stomach churn with disgust. You were lucky then, having been turned into a murderous tool rather than a fucktoy. So, it makes sense why Sylus was so eager to get you on this mission. Like he knew you’d take pleasure in watching Nikolai’s life drain from his eyes, his blood caked up under your nails. 

Your smile twitches, threatening to screw up into a grimace as you walk at Nikolai’s side, arm in arm. He’s red-faced and cheery, having gorged himself on champagne and merriment at the banquet. You would’ve snuffed him out if four bodyguards didn’t flank you. Not like you can’t take them, but you’d rather complete your mission as quietly as possible without rousing suspicion.

You just have to keep up the act long enough to isolate him so you can make your move. He’s been ruffling Onychinus’ feathers, claiming to be in cahoots with its notorious leader. Sylus, of course, doesn’t like that, not wanting to be associated with the likes of him. This is where you come into play, his ever-faithful watchdog, ready to kill at the drop of a hat.

Nikolai ushers you into his hotel room, where three more guards stand in good form in the living area. You acknowledge them with a seductive smile, allowing one to frisk you. Your smile grows tenfold when he finds nothing, clearing his throat and straightening his tie as if he’s fallen prey to your charm. Someone should be fired.

Nikolai leads you into his room thereafter, the double doors shutting and locking with finality. You offer him a massage, to which the portly man happily accepts, stripping down to his boxers and plopping onto the king-sized bed. He has a thing for pretty, young girls barely scraping the surface of legality. You’ll see to it he’s ushered into the afterlife by one.

Your hair waterfalls from its updo, warm as it spills onto your shoulders when you pull your hairpin free. You ruck up your gown, climbing over his body to roost yourself on his backside, legs bracketing either side of his waist, heels digging waning moons into your thighs. You’re sultry as you ensnare him in small talk, fingers kneading over layers of fat and muscle. Nikolai hums appreciatively, seemingly thrilled to have your company. Just the way you want him.

Your fingers tip-toe up his spine, thumbs smoothing over the notches of bone there. He exhales beneath your ministrations, remarking how magical your hands are. You huff a laugh as your fingers curl around his jaw, the opposing set burying themselves in his hair. 

“Massaging isn’t the only thing my hands are good at.”

With a fluent twitch of your wrists, his neck snaps, the sound barely heard above the gentle croon of the jazz music he queued up beforehand, accompanied by the exhale of a life dying out like a flame. 

You pull his eyelids down, easing off his lifeless body. Stare at his corpse with a faraway look in your eyes, smoothing some hair away from his face. Like he’s a sacrifice to the little girl inside, screaming for revenge. You straighten your dress when the bedroom doors rattle, Nikolai’s men frantically calling his name. Shit. Maybe you weren’t as meticulous as you thought. 

Quickly, you survey your surroundings for a way out. Spot the sliding doors leading to the balcony, and you dart between them, the wispy curtains grazing over your fevered skin. A wintry kiss of wind greets you as you lean over the rail, hair ruffling, and you take in the bokeh of lights glittering on the street below. 

You’re at least eight stories from the ground, so jumping is out of the question. You could very well fight your way out, but Nikolai’s guards are heavily armed. There’s no guarantee you’ll make it out of the fray unscathed. 

You lean back against the rail, adrenaline spuming through you, watching the bedroom doors pulse as his guards kick and shove against them. Fuck! Tugging a knife from the garter belt tucked beneath the slit of your dress, you prepare for a fight, body taut, nerves flaring. 

Just when you’ve resolved to get your hands dirty, something feathery touches your bare shoulder. Gentle and curious in its embrace, and you whip your head around to its source. You’re met with a smoky tendril, speckled with claret orbs of energy, swirling ominously before you. You peer over the railing, a familiar shock of white blurring into frame. There’s no mistaking the upward cant of his lips, and the crinkle of scarlet-spun eyes from this height. He motions to you with two fingers from the sidewalk, wordlessly beseeching you to come down.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” you mutter, a nervous expression stretching your features. Heights have never been your forte, but you suppose beggars can’t be choosers. “Fuck it,” you relent, gathering some courage and climbing onto the rail. 

Nikolai’s men finally break through, and as they dart in, spraying the room in a hail of bullets upon seeing Nikolai’s corpse, you fall into the feathery cradle of Sylus’ Evol, a yip ripped from your throat. 

You float to the ground like a feather, falling into Sylus’ arms. He looks down at you with something unguarded shining in his eyes, using his Evol as a shield when Nikolai’s men pelt the pair of you with a barrage of bullets.

You lose yourself in the moment. Your lips part, lids heavy with something you can’t quite place. 

“Took you long enough,” you chide to dispel the tension brewing between you, trying to catch your breath.

“I’ll be more punctual next time,” Sylus answers with a chuckle, voice rumbling against your body as he casually walks away from the scene, refusing to put you down, even long after he’s warped you to safety. 

rising action | masterlist

[withleeknow]

wishful thinking. (08)

chapter eight: ships in the night

summary: the instruction was plain and simple: no strings attached. but you should’ve known from the beginning that it could never apply to you and him.

pairing: minho x f!reader rating: 18+ (minors dni) genres/warnings: friends to lovers, friends with benefits au, college au; fluff, angst, smut; i’ve been told this is the angstiest chapter yet saur yk you’ve been warned, mentions of past seggsy times, oc is self-deprecating self-sabotaging, oc has an anxiety attack in this one, erhm just Big Sad overall methinks, also could've been more edited but i am a godless monster word count: 7.2k note: wt is backkkkkk!! and it's the penultimate chapter omg :( lowkey nervous about how this is gonna be perceived bc i feel like my brand is Sad™️ and i haven't properly written anything Sad™️ in a WHILE. but yeah, wt8 is yours now have funnn. also ty chessica @matchannie for proofreading!!

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

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Sorry, I know that comment wasn’t funny Just wanted you to love me, but I didn’t go about it right Sometimes the best advice that I can give Is to bite my lip and listen with my big fat mouth shut tight

big fat mouth - Arlie

You don’t think you can ever forget the look on his face, the hurt in his eyes when the words had tumbled out of your mouth in a panicked frenzy. The regret was immediate, but so was the damage.

Saying things you didn’t mean, watching Minho so utterly defeated that it kills you, and the deafening silence after he had walked away from you on heavy footsteps – you can’t describe how it all felt that night. It’s just… sinking, and sinking, and sinking; endlessly spiraling in an ocean of your own guilt and despair. It’s true what they say – misery loves company.

Distractions don’t work, because whenever that overwhelming dread eases by even a fraction, you’re once again reminded by the bracelet that’s wrapped around your wrist with the tiny dove charm hanging on the side. Neither of you paid it any mind the other night, that much is clear.

You know you should return it to him eventually; it’s never belonged to you and it never will. But every time you go to take it off, you can’t bring yourself to simply undo the clasp and hide the bracelet somewhere you can’t see. It lets you delude yourself into thinking that you haven’t lost him even after what you said, even after you stomped on his heart and left it bleeding where you stood. 

You’d been upset, thinking that you were the only one falling, terrified that you’d crash headfirst into the cold, hard ground because there’d be nobody to catch you. And yet, when Minho told you he loved you, it provided you no relief at all. The fear magnified tenfold, taking over you until you couldn’t see straight, until it consumed you whole.

Home is something you find, and you’ve found it in him. Your sun and your spring and your home, and everything good that you can ever name.

All your life, something is always missing, an empty space that you never learned how to fill. Like when you exit a room and there’s a nagging feeling in your gut telling you that you’ve forgotten something even though all of your belongings are accounted for. Like when you lose your favorite ring, one that’s a little too loose but beloved anyway, slipping over your knuckle without your permission and disappearing forever, and you keep running your fingers over where the golden band used to be until you come to terms with the fact that it’s never coming back and you’ll spend the rest of your life mourning the loss of that familiarity.

You’ve always looked for things you lost in places you’ve never been.

You just want to go home, but you know you’ll only ruin it in the end.

The problem has never been Minho or anybody else. It’s you, and how there’s something intrinsically wrong with you. You paint the ending before there’s even a beginning. You’d rather run and hide than let yourself feel anything, because if there’s happiness then there’s going to be hurt inevitably.

You don’t want him to wake up one day and look at you like you’re a stranger, to realize that he’s wasted his time and effort, that you just weren’t worth it after all. 

It’s funny how, when you’re a child, time seems to move so quickly. One minute, you’re four, maybe five years old, and your mother is refusing to speak to you because she thinks you ruined one of her bags, a large scratch running along the otherwise smooth leather surface like it’s been met with a pair of scissors or simply accumulated on her way to work and she hadn’t noticed until she got home and you happened to be in the vicinity of her anger; the next, she’s letting you relish in all your favorite desserts, cavities be damned.

One minute, you’re being rushed to the hospital with a bad case of food poisoning, your parents staring down at you as if you’re actually about to die; the next, you’re already at home, watching cartoons that you couldn’t understand but you like anyway because they’re full of pretty colors and princesses and fairies.

You don’t remember how your mother came to forgive you for the bag even though it wasn’t your fault, or what the hospital felt like or if what the doctors and nurses did to make you feel better even hurt. You only know that you wish to return to a smaller version of yourself whose memories you can’t even recall, return to a time in which you once so desperately wanted to escape from.

Now, when you’re hurt, time doesn’t pass in a blink of an eye like it used to. It stands still, sucks you down a vortex and makes you feel everything. 

No one ever really warns you about growing pains, that they’re unavoidable no matter how hard you try to avoid them, that they can last a lifetime because you never really stop growing, and it never really seems to ache any less.

Hyunjin: Attachment: 1 Image. Hyunjin: i sent this one in  Hyunjin: u??

You’d almost forgotten about the exhibition until Hyunjin had sent you those texts. Even though you’re not one to neglect deadlines, you suppose it’s fairly reasonable that this one in particular had slipped your mind. You haven’t really been able to wrap your head around that many things after all.

Every semester, yours and Hyunjin’s department rents out a gallery near campus for a whole week to showcase students’ works. It’s nothing exclusive, nothing like a competition where they pit a couple hundred kids against each other just for a spot at a fancy art gallery. Almost anyone in the Faculty of Arts can register before the submission deadline, and you suppose that’s another reason why you’d overlooked it so easily – because you didn’t earn it. It didn’t feel special. It was just another meaningless event to attend.

Regardless, you spent a chunk of an afternoon pondering your selection though it didn’t matter that much, almost two hours dedicated to picking out paintings you realized you didn’t love. Some you even turned out to hate, even though you could remember the pride radiating from you the moments the canvas had felt the last brush stroke. Maybe the glamor eventually wore off, the momentary high that coursed through you when you’d shown your finished works to your professors and peers, and received showers of praise in return.

The piece you chose in the end wasn’t your favorite by any means, but it was one of the only pieces you could still bear to look at without nitpicking too much. It was a painting of the waters, and you’ve always loved the waters.

You could recall the day you went to the promenade by yourself with a need to be away from everyone and everything, and an overshirt that was too light to combat the September evening chill as summer transitioned into fall. You watched the sky slowly darken after the sun had disappeared from view, watched as the buildings on the other side of the river lit up one by one until they made up for the light that retired for the day.

The thin layers made you shiver – the consequence of your poor choice in clothing that night – but there was something about sitting by the waterfront after dark, kicking pebbles around underneath your feet, and the gentle caress of the wind on your face and your hair that made the cold feel welcoming. You always thought the city was more beautiful at night, more calming amidst all of its perpetual chaos. It made you feel like you were inside a dream long forgotten, took you back to a north star that you left to gather dust on an abandoned shelf.

You could recall wanting to dive into that dream again, a dream in which you could chase a perfect version of you that would never exist and find light at the end of the tunnel, instead of returning to the reality where you always wound up suffocating in darkness. You wanted to be free, free from the noise and free from your own life despite one simple truth that you knew all too well – that you could run but never from yourself.

When you were young, it’s the moon that used to follow you everywhere. As you get older, it’s all of the things that keep you up at night.

You could recall your phone buzzing to life in your bag with Minho’s name on the screen, like a sign from the universe saying “Hey, this one’s for you. Don’t drown. You have a lighthouse.” and it was as though he could sense that you were falling, like someone had tied your heart to a rock and threw it into the very river in front of you to sink to the bottom. Your friends often said he had some sort of sixth sense when it came to you. Maybe there was some truth in that.

His voice pulled you out of it, even though he only called to ask if you wanted to come over and eat the boatload of food his mom had sent. He made you want to disappear a little less and in that moment, it was enough.

You left your hiding place to go to him, to lose yourself in stupid jokes and not-too-sweet desserts even if it was only for a couple hours. And when you returned home that night, everything spilled onto the canvas just from memory alone, from the feeling that you were desperately clinging onto with your shaking hands.

You always thought you could only run away to places. You didn’t know people could be escapes too, and somewhere along the way, that was what Minho became to you — your treasured escape, your new hiding place.

You manage to avoid everyone – with the exception of Hyunjin; you do have to see him in class after all – over the two and a half weeks leading up to the exhibition, drumming up excuse after excuse to bail whenever any of them asks to grab a bite together or just to simply hang out. If they saw you, they’d notice your puffy eyes and ask if you’ve been crying. They would ask why, and you can’t find in yourself to make up a lie believable enough for that kind of question.

You think Hyunjin has noticed. He’s a bit of an idiot sometimes, but he’s not stupid and he’s still blessed with the gift of sight. He doesn’t mention anything though, despite you showing up to almost every class with puffy eyelids. You suppose you’re grateful for that.

Minho hasn’t talked to you at all since that night. Doesn’t ask you how your project’s going, doesn’t ask you about the exhibition, barely even speaks in the group chat, not even a boring comment about the weather. What were you expecting anyway? You get it, you do.

But despite the silence, you never doubted that he would show up to the exhibition. If not for you, then he would be there to support Hyunjin.

The only person who really has an inkling that something is wrong is Jess, when you were getting ready together earlier tonight and she helped you conceal your puffy eyes. She’d tiptoed around the question before settling on  asking “Everything okay?” — simple, easy, quickly dismissible if you didn’t feel like sharing.

You didn’t, and she dropped the subject because there was no point in badgering you for answers anyway. 

Chan picked the both of you up afterward, and Jess didn’t have to explain anything to him when she slipped into the backseat with you instead of riding next to her boyfriend.

Now here you are, standing in a room full of your friends and peers, wearing a black dress that Jess helped you choose, and Minho is nowhere to be found. You’d spent all day pacing around, anxious at the mere thought of seeing him and even talking to him. What you hadn’t anticipated was the disappointment, the unbearable feeling in the pit of your stomach in response to his absence. You can’t tell which is worse; maybe every moment without him all sucks the same.

When Hyunjin starts whining and takes out his phone to spam Minho’s messages demanding his location (you’re thankful that it didn’t have to come to you), all he receives in return is a measly “Running late.”

And that’s it. A mere text is enough to satiate everyone’s curiosity. Well, everyone but Hyunjin, because he’s still a nagging drama queen.

Minho is running late, and to anyone else, it’s the most normal thing in the world.

But to you… it means something beyond that. Because this was him. This was your Minho. Your Minho who’s never been known for his tardiness, who’s never once broken a promise, who’s always there for you no matter what.

All you know right now is his absence, and it makes you sink.

You sink, and then you wait. Not a lot to be done about it.

You slip away to a quiet spot, a vacant hallway, to be by yourself while everyone is out there wandering around and gorging themselves on the free food and drinks. You shouldn’t be with them anyway. All you need is to wallow in peace and not be the black cloud hanging over everybody’s heads.

There’s something so incredibly lonely in the act of waiting. Waiting to board a plane, waiting in line at the grocery store. Waiting for a phone call or text message that you know won’t come, waiting for a person whom you can only hope would show up. At the end of the day, that’s what waiting is, isn’t it? It’s wanting. It’s hoping, and if there’s one thing you know about hope, it’s that it’s dangerous.

You wonder if this is how Minho felt all this time, waiting on a girl who’s always prepared to leave. You wonder if, that night, he had expected you to reciprocate his feelings. You did. You do, and a part of you wanted to tell him that you loved him too. The words were there, and yet…

It’s true that you love him, and it’s true that you don’t want to. If hope is dangerous then love is fucking terrifying. 

He’d been so patient with you, so awfully gentle and quiet in the chasm of his waiting that you mistook the tenderness for everything except for what it actually was – love. Or perhaps you did know. Maybe deep down, you knew that you would’ve loved him back with everything you had, with every fiber of your being. That you would’ve let him be the only one to ever really know you, and it felt like a fear greater than you could bear. 

In the end, did you lose him? Can you lose something you never had? It wasn’t a love that you let slip away; it was a what if.

You’re in a room with people who love you and yet, all you can think about is Minho. You miss him so much that it feels like someone has spliced you in two, that it physically makes you ache every second that he isn’t with you. As selfish as it sounds, you want him to walk through the door and you want everything to be okay again. You want to be back in a bubble with just the two of you and a locked box filled with words unsaid. You thought you could stay in that bubble forever, where it was safe and you could pretend that you were happy, and maybe you really were happy with him. But all things — good or bad — must come to an end. The bubble burst, and this was the real world.

You want to undo your cruelty, want him to take back his sincerity. You want an ocean of distance between you and him, you want to pull him as close as humanly possible. All your wants are contradictions. You’re a paradox of puzzle pieces that never seem to fit together.

You want to tell him that it hurts. Want him to make it better because he’s the only one who can make it better.

But miracles rarely happen and there are no shooting stars in sight. Minho was the closest thing you got to a shooting star, burning across your night sky for just a brief moment. Blink and you could miss it. Blink and you did miss him.

Your fingers find his contact in your phone before you could stop yourself, and soon enough, you’re pressing the call button. It’s like drunk dialling, only you aren’t intoxicated. Or maybe you are; maybe you’re under the influence of his absence and how much it stings.

You don’t know why you’re calling him, don’t know what to even say when he picks up.

Thankfully, you don’t have to wonder for long.

“Your call has been forwarded to voicemail. Please leave your message after the tone,” comes the automated voice on the other end.

For some reason, you don’t hang up. You wait for the beep, then you wait some more. It’s not until ten seconds later that you find your voice, the only thing to come out of your mouth is a quiet Hey.

You clear your throat, rub the sweaty palm of your free hand on your dress. “Hey,” you try again. “It’s… me. I’m at the gallery with everyone. Uhm, they’re all waiting for you. Are you on your way? Are you stuck in traffic? Or did you forget it was today? Hyunjin is trying really hard not to blow up your phone–” You pause to chuckle dryly. “But you know it would mean a lot to him to have you here. It… it’d mean a lot to me too if you were here. I don’t know, I assumed you’d come. I’m sorry, that was stupid of me. I just…” Another pause. This time, it’s so that you could take a breath. “Listen, Minho, I didn’t mean what I said to you. I’m sorry I was an asshole. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I don’t have any excuse for that. You deserve better than me. It’s going to pass, you know? I’m sorry if you’ve wasted your time on me, but… you’re going to find someone else, and you’re going to get over it. I’m sorry I fucked everything up. It’s fine if you never want to talk to me again, just please don’t let it get between you and our fr–”

The line beeps again. “To replay the message, press 1. To save the message, press 2. To delete the message, press 3.”

You purse your lips together. There’s still a lump in your throat and no peace to be made. It’s like drunk dialling, only you pull yourself together at the very last second. Your thumb hovers over the dial pad on your phone until you eventually end up on 3, because your cowardice will always triumph in the end. Back to square one. Everything’s still the same as it was five minutes ago.

You force your legs to move, like how you'd force yourself to get up and eat and drink water and shower and be a person these days. When you round the corner, you bump against something solid. A person. The collision isn’t hard enough to knock you backward; they weren’t moving, they’d only been standing still.

You look up at Seungmin, who merely blinks at you. You don’t know how long he’s been here, if he heard anything at all. You swallow once, considering whether you should just play dumb and gauge his reaction or ask point blank if you’ve been caught. He beats you to the decision though.

“You and Minho,” Seungmin says, a bit hesitant, like the topic is weird to bring up. “You’re the girl.”

A deer in headlights, you are. A pathetic one at that, too.

But even then, you’re not panicked, not really. You’re just sad, and the truth was bound to come out eventually. 

“Please don’t tell anyone,” you say.

The discarded voicemail that he overheard, the dejection written all over your face, the silence from both you and Minho recently — it’s obvious to pretty much everyone, and Seungmin is smarter than most.

He opens his mouth and shuts it again like he’s choosing his words. The Seungmin-esque blank stare melting away to make space for some pity, then a question, “Is there anything left to tell?”

You escape to the empty garden in the back where there were a few lonely chairs set up, so you could have some privacy to talk. Despite everything, it feels like you’ve got a little breathing space, just being able to share this with someone. To not have to carry it all on your own. You’re glad that it was Seungmin who found out first. You have a feeling that he would understand, at least to some degree. You’re relieved, even when the first question that he asks is, “So, how did you fuck it up?”

“Why do you just automatically assume it was me?” You’re mildly offended, even though he’s right.

“Between you and Minho, I’d bet on you.” Seungmin shrugs. “You spook easily.”

“I deeply resent that notion.”

He turns to look at you, no trace of any teasing. “Can you prove me wrong?”

But you can’t, and it tells him as much when you avert his eyes in favor of the ground, where you kick at a lonesome pebble sitting among the grass. It lands somewhere between the green blades, lost in the shadows that cast over parts of the garden that are poorly lit.

“So what happened?” he asks, turning away again to stare out at the empty space. You like to think of it as him giving you some elbow room, to ease the pressure of being scrutinized. And as much as you appreciate it, it still takes you another brief moment before you can formulate a coherent sentence, another minute of twiddling your fingers in your lap.

You tell Seungmin about your first night with Minho – not the details, of course; that would be weird and it’s none of his business. Just that it happened, how you both let it keep happening over the past few months while nobody suspected a thing.

Seungmin nods solemnly, like he’s putting together the missing pieces.

“Did you ever notice anything?” you ask.

“I mean… not about you hooking up, but we thought you’d end up together eventually.” He shrugs. “We always kinda assumed that you two would become those people who make a pact to get married if you’re still single by 40 or 50, if you didn’t get together before then. It makes sense. You and Minho just sort of make sense.”

“Oh,” you say. Your heart swoops. Hearing it from Seungmin makes you sad. Not the same brand of sadness that you’ve been wearing lately though. A different kind, the kind of sadness that’s a little numbing and makes it difficult to breathe. “Well, sorry to disappoint everyone but I don’t think any of it is gonna happen anymore.”

“So… how did it happen?” Seungmin asks again, mimicking explosions with his hands.

You let him off easy without a punch in the shoulder, because you just really don’t have the energy for it right now. “Minho wanted something more,” you tell your friend, fiddling with the rings on your fingers, then with the necklace charm resting on your collarbone. “And I just… I don’t know. I guess I freaked. I… said some awful stuff to him.”

Seungmin hums a sound of acknowledgement. He looks like he’s thinking about it, about you and Minho and what it means. “Classic,” he chuckles after a brief moment, mostly to himself. Maybe he’s thinking about what it means beyond just the pair of you too.

You side-eye him. “You’d know all about it, wouldn’t you?”

He shoots the glance back at you. “What are you trying to say here?”

You remember her, the only girl that Seungmin has ever hinted at liking. He never admitted it out loud to any of you, but you could all see it.

You only used to see her in passing at house parties, and even then, it wasn’t Seungmin nor her who brought the other one around. They would show up separately with their own group, mingle for a while, find each other after a couple of drinks before they disappeared to god-knows-where for the rest of the night. Sometimes, Changbin or Hyunjin would catch them before they could sneak off and insist that Seungmin let everyone get to know his friend.

These brief interactions are all you have with her, meaningless small talk for a few minutes before Seungmin’s patience ran thin and he whisked her away like they’d both intended. You liked her; she was nice, and she was really pretty. You liked her even though you didn’t know her, because she was the one person who Seungmin cared about enough to keep away from prying eyes. A secret shared only between the two of them, a bubble in which only they existed.

The last time you saw her with him must’ve been at least three months ago, maybe even longer. No one really knows what happened, just that she stopped showing up to parties, and Seungmin never brought it up again. You all assumed whatever he had going on with her had run its course, though it doesn’t really stop Hyunjin and Jisung from mentioning her every now and again just to tease him.

“I seem to recall a Halloween party last year and a certain someone was in a bee costume and–”

“Fine,” Seungmin interjects, rolling his eyes. “Fine, we can form our own dumbass club. Happy?”

You laugh a little, even though the whole thing isn’t very funny. Your shared experience is nothing to take pride in.

“So how did you blow it up?” you ask.

He gives you a sour glare before his eyes soften. He doesn’t say anything for a while, and in his silence you find that you and him are more similar in ways that you’ve never cared enough to admit before. This sadness that you carry, you have a feeling that he knows it all too well.

“Like I said, classic,” Seungmin tells you. “She wanted something more. I freaked. I ghosted her.”

A mirror. Two sides of the same stupid coin.

You lean back against your seat. “Did you like her?”

It takes a beat, but his answer comes out as an honest, “Yeah, I liked her. Liked her too much.”

“Why did you do that to her then?”

“Why did you do that to Minho?” Seungmin deadpans, but he doesn’t seem to want a response from you. He just sighs, wistfully adding, “I’ve thought about it a lot. It’s scary to be wanted because it means someone’s putting you on a pedestal, and when you’re on a pedestal, the more it’ll hurt if you fall off. The more they’re counting on you to not let them down, the easier it is to fuck it all up. People like us, we’re flight risks. We can’t help it. We think it’s better to just leave before we can do any real damage. When you said whatever terrible shit you said to Minho, that was the first thing you thought about, right? To be cruel? That’s what I did too. Such a fucking stupid knee-jerk reaction.”

You don’t know how to respond, so you just sit there, completely still. 

Then Seungmin turns to you, and for the first time in all the years that you’ve known him, he’s looking at you, really looking at you. No snarky side-eye, no playful faux glare. Just a strange and unfamiliar sincerity, like he’s asking you to fix what he couldn’t, undo the cruelty that he never bothered apologizing for.

“Minho would understand, you know? If you’d just talk to him,” Seungmin says. “You made a mistake in the heat of the moment. But you want to have something real with him, don’t you? Otherwise you wouldn’t be here talking to me about this and beating yourself up over it.”

“I told you. That ship sailed.” And you’re standing up for no apparent reason other than the fact that you’re suddenly restless, your stomach twisting in knots out of nowhere. “He’s not even here. He didn’t even show up tonight. I think that’s saying enough.”

Your friend rises to his feet too, probably because he thinks it’s weird to be the only one sitting now while you’re upset and pacing about. It’s not until Seungmin takes a step closer that you realize you’re shaking a little.

“Hey, you good?” He puts a hand on your shoulder. “I talked to Minho yesterday. He said he’d come. Maybe something came up or he just–”

Hyunjin’s voice interrupts Seungmin in the middle of his sentence, the excited squeal carrying itself from all the way inside the gallery to the back garden through the door left ajar. Speak of the devil and he shall appear, maybe there’s a reason why people say it. It’s laughable, really.

You and Seungmin both turn your attention to the brief commotion indoors, where you see Hyunjin smiling so big that his eyes have crinkled into crescent moons, where he’s standing with his arm thrown around Minho and shaking him by the shoulders.

These days, it’s easy to pretend that time is standing still. You don’t even know if time is even passing at all; you’re just looking at him, dressed in a black blazer and some dress pants. Casual but he looks good. He always does.

You watch as he says something to Hyunjin that seems to calm the latter down a bit, at least enough for Minho to quickly scan the room, searching. You watch as his eyes sweep through all the people gathered inside, not stopping until they land on you, finding you on the other side of the glass door. Even in this terrible lighting, not entirely visible you assume, he sees you.

There was a conversation you had with Minho some time ago, when you two were sprawled out on your couch munching on strawberry Peperos and not paying attention to the movie that was playing on your TV, when he asked how you wanted your life to be at 40.

You knew what the boring answer was – you wanted your life to be stable, and you told him as much. Isn’t stability always the goal? Maybe a lame corporate job if the whole starving-artist-who-makes-it-big-overnight dream didn’t pan out. A cat and a dog named Mochi and Mocha, if you could afford two pets at once. An apartment that you owned, with framed pictures of everything you loved scattered all over the place, and stupidly cute fairy lights that you often see on Pinterest, and an unfathomable amount of plushies that your inner child was never indulged in. A peaceful and quiet life, at least to some extent. 

The honest answer, the one that you didn’t tell him, was you wanted to not live with regret.

But as you lock eyes with him, for a split second there, you know that you will.

About twenty years down the line, when you look back on your life and think of this chapter, you’ll think about a boy who loved you and whom you loved. How you broke both of your hearts trying to protect your own. You’ll wonder if he’s married, if he has kids, if he still reminisces about the girl he used to love when he was young. If he’s happy and if his dreams came true. If the sadness you caused yourself was worth it, if the pain meant anything at all. If you could go back in time and undo everything, would you?

You’ll get over it eventually – surely you will; heartbreak isn’t the end of the world – but you’ll live with the grief of what could’ve been if you weren’t afraid. You’ll be left to mourn the road not taken, your almost but never was. 

You’re the one who moves first, when it starts to become a struggle just to breathe. You stumble away from Minho’s line of sight, until you find a wall that you can rest against.

Seungmin is quick to follow. “Hey, woah, are you okay?”

Your hands alternate between balling themselves into tight fists and attempting in vain to grab at the flat surface of the concrete. There are no words that you can form to answer him. Only your ragged breathing and your pathetic effort to take in some air through your mouth.

“Okay, shit, uhm,” Seungmin sputters. “Hang on.”

Then he’s taking off. You don’t know how long he’s gone for, where he’s gone off to, and frankly, you can’t really bring yourself to care. Your hands abandon the wall in favor of your dress, something that you can actually hold onto. Your trembling fingers clutch the hem of your dress like they’re pretending it’s a lifeline, bunching and twisting the fabric in your sweaty palms. Hoping it’ll help, but it doesn’t at all.

Even over the sound of your heartbeat ringing in your ears, you could hear new footsteps coming out into the empty garden. Rushed at first, then they stop for a brief moment. You know who it is before he even approaches you.

Damn that Kim Seungmin.

The familiar scent of his cologne greets you before his voice. You spent hours and hours enveloped in this scent until it was dulled by sweat from the activities you were engaged in, if it wasn’t already softened by the kisses you would leave all over his skin.

When he calls your name, it comes out so soft, like you never broke his heart in the first place and that night was only a figment of your twisted imagination. He sounds so gentle, yet it sends you further down the crippling spiral. You don’t deserve him; maybe you never did, despite what Seungmin tried to put through your head earlier.

“I’m fine.” But you know your appearance has already betrayed your words. The first thing you say to him in weeks, and it’s a lie. You’re still leaning against the wall with your arms wrapped tightly around your trembling frame and your eyes squeezed shut. It’s a pitiful sight. Even more so when it registers in your brain that it’s Minho of all people who’s witnessing it. 

He doesn’t say anything else, only lets out a sigh, and then his hand is on your body, a warm palm touching the small of your back out of habit before he moves it upward to rub between your shoulder blades. “Can you breathe?”

His question makes you all too aware that there’s something gnawing inside of your chest, makes you think for a second there that you’re going to die though you know that you won’t. You shake your head with your eyes still closed, your breathing coming out more ragged by the second. You can’t even bear to look at him and absorb the worry in his eyes; you’re sure you’ll only cry if you do, and it’s the last thing you need right now.

But it turns out that seeing Minho’s face isn’t the only thing that can bring you to tears. When you feel him tug at your arms, his warmth on your bare skin, you start crying anyway and that makes it even harder to breathe. There’s not a single ounce of resistance in your body, your limbs obeying him easily when they untangle themselves around your waist to fall by your sides as he pulls you into his chest, with one hand over your sternum and his thumb rubbing back and forth. He’s careful about it too, like he’s handling broken pieces of something that used to be beautiful.

“You’re okay,” he says, but you’ve got your face pressed into the crook of his neck and your tears are staining the collar of his shirt. “You’re gonna be fine. Just… listen to me.”

You stay quiet, waiting for him to speak next.

“Name three things you can see,” he says. “You don’t have to say it out loud. Just think about it.”

You open your eyes finally, angling your head until most of your vision isn’t obstructed by the proximity of his body. Minho tightens his arm around you, and you blink away some of the tears.

Your black heels that your mom got you for your birthday a while ago.

The grass, darkened green and damp.

Him. 

“Three things you can hear.”

Light chatter coming from inside the gallery.

Cars passing by on the adjacent street.

Him, the sound of his breathing.

“Three things you can touch.”

The soft material of your dress against your skin.

The bracelet, hugging your wrist, weighing you down like an anchor.

And… him.

Him, him, him.

You don’t know what reason Minho makes up to excuse you for the rest of night, but you don’t bother asking. There’s really no space left in your head to think about it twice, to care about leaving your friends or feel guilty about Hyunjin because he was so excited about today. It’s too much; all you want is to go home, get away from here.

Minho calls you both an Uber back to your place. During the entire ride, he doesn’t say a word and neither do you. And even though you mostly opt for looking out the window at the other cars and houses and people passing by, every now and then you could feel his eyes on you from the other side of the backseat.

When you arrive, he keeps a hand on the small of your back as you make your way up the stairs. When you unlock the door, you leave it open so he could follow you inside. You suppose that one is a force of habit. You’re not used to shutting the door in his face. At least, not in the literal sense anyway.

Then it returns, that gnawing feeling. A feeling far too colossal for your body to house. It sits somewhere inside your ribcage, sharp and desperate, with claws trying to dig its way out. And for the first time in maybe ever, you understand what it truly means to want something this badly. You love him, and it hurts. You love him even though it hurts.

Minho moves around the place while you remain frozen in the middle of your own apartment, as if he’s the one who lives here and you’re just visiting for the night. You let him take off your makeup (with a wipe; you’re going to hate yourself in the morning), let him help you change into clothes that you can sleep in, even let him tuck you into bed like you’re a helpless child. If he notices the bracelet on you, he doesn’t say anything. Everything is done in silence.

You don’t look him in the eye. You don’t think you can handle what you’ll find there.

But you do reach for his hand when he tries to leave now that there’s nothing left for him to do here. There’s not a single thought behind your action, just a need to have him near.

“Can you…?” 

You aren’t brave enough to finish the question, your voice trailing off and the words dissipating like smoke after a lonely cigarette drag. You’re being selfish right now, you’re awfully aware of this.

Minho doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even let out a single sigh. For a second there, you think he’s about to leave you here, cold and alone, just like you had done to him. It would be nothing less than what you deserve.

But then he’s shrugging off his blazer and your heart is in your throat. When he slips into bed beside you, something hurts, the kind of ache that spreads all across your chest and makes your lungs burn.

Earlier tonight, he could’ve walked away and let you be somebody else’s burden. Your friends were all there, it’s not like they would’ve left you stranded.

You’re not really sure what to think. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hate you, but maybe it’s just enough confirmation that he doesn’t hate you more than he loves you.

You break the deafening stretch of silence with a whisper, “I’m sorry.” You don’t know what the apology is for. Are you sorry for that night, for the things you said to him? Are you sorry that you’re only yourself, that he just had to go ahead and fall for you of all people? Sorry that you’re too much of a coward and a lost cause to love him right? You don’t know, but it feels appropriate to apologize. You owe him that much.

“Don’t…” Minho says after a while. “You don’t have to do that.”

The familiar sensation returns – the one that stings the back of your eyes, burns your nostrils and makes you all choked up. You try to hold your breath and will it away, but the first tear spills without your permission, and you can’t help the shaky inhale – close to a gasp and followed by a sniffle – that punctuates your lungs when they start protesting against the sudden lack of oxygen. 

You grip the sheets so hard you think you could rip through the fabric and dig into your own palm. It’s a pathetic feeling, like a strange kind of embarrassment that you can’t quite describe. The room is deadly quiet; you know there’s no way he didn’t catch the noise.

You hear Minho shift from where he lays behind you, some rustling when he moves against the duvet and the mattress. “Don’t cry,” he sighs. And it’s still so gentle. You’ve never known him to be anything but gentle.

You bite the inside of your cheek, blinking some of the tears away. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Just… don’t cry.” It sounds like he’s holding something back but you aren’t sure. “Don’t cry. Go to sleep. We can talk in the morning, if you want.”

You sniffle some more, and maybe that makes Minho think he still needs to appease you even further. He reaches out finally, to brush a comforting hand against your arm. “Go to sleep. Promise I’ll be here when you wake up.”

You don’t know if you want to talk in the morning, because there’s nothing for you to say. All you really have is what he’s already heard – I’m sorry, like an utterly broken record. But you want him to stay even if it’s only for the morning. Even if all he’ll get is silence at best and choked up breaths at worst. Your last-ditch attempt at grasping straws, a futile effort to chase running water.

“Okay,” you tell him, and neither of you says anything afterward. The tears keep falling for a while, and at some point it tires you out enough to slip into a dreamless sleep.

When you open your eyes hours later, the sun is already up. The clock on your phone reads 7:06AM and the first thing you register is an uncomfortable dryness in your throat. Behind you, the bed is still warm. You can actually feel it underneath your fingertips when you reach out, the warmth dwindling from the side of the bed that’s been left vacant. Minho has never broken a promise to you before.

He’s gone, and you sink again.

all rights reserved © withleeknow. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 08.01.2025]

[demidevil-dog]

This is their dynamic in a nutshell to me

[novaursa]

I think this has nothing to do with misogyny, but with treatment of the Greens in general. If they did their job right, this show would be myogenic by default (as is the source material) and everything would be as it should.

All characters were butchered by the writers of the show, but what they did to the Greens is a fucking war crime.

They established Rhaenyra to be a saint and her children to play martyrs and innocent victims of the big bad Greens. Rhaenyra was named "King Maegor with teats" and "the whore of Dragonstone" for a reason. HOTD is badly written team Black propaganda with prophecy that has no place in this conflict.

We are forced to accept Rhaenyra's pain (and grief, they focus on that very much), but encouraged to dismiss Alicent's. Making Alicent younger than she should be, just because writers ship her with Rhaenyra, is idiotic and automatically downgrades Alicent's character as a naive child that had no control over her actions. She is also constantly presented in a bad light during her motherhood, while Rhaenyra is this perfect mother with cute and obedient kids that are honorable as shit, but suffering because of her sins. But still, Mother Rhaenyra is a saint that can do no wrong, because she is protected by plot armor writers created around her.

This type of writing butchery is transmitted aromatically to Alicent's children and grandchildren.

They want you to pick the Blacks and their side by not allowing the audience to connect emotionally with the Greens.

Kudos to the actors for doing their best with the script that should've been burned along with seasons 5-8 of GOT.

please correct me if i'm wrong, but did they ever actually refer to this sweet girl by her name at all? like once? lmao

if so, there is no excuse for it. none. jaehaera targaryen is helaena & aegon's daughter. she is alicent's granddaughter. otto's great-granddaughter. she is the daughter of rhaenyra's rival for the throne. she was jaehaerys TWIN. thematically, she is one of the reasons that demonstrates how the dance hurt innocents. she plays an important role in the ending of the conflict.

i think this weird treatment of jaehaera (because yes, it is WEIRD) pmo because of the contrast to the respect that jace and joff got with regards to their grief for their own brother. not saying everything has been perfect, but the audience was still able to given a chance to feel their pain and sympathise with it.

jaehaera? nothing.

its another example of how these writers will treat female characters, even LITTLE GIRLS. because y'all cannot tell me there isn't something migoynstic in how a brother's grief (jace, joff etc) was honoured while a sister's grief was suspiciously absent in a season where they both suffer devastating losses.

[xia0mi-c0m]

The proshipping problem in the twst fandom | A rant.

Very obvious trigger warning for things normal for proshippers like p3dophilia, incest, etc.

Though I do know proshippers will be in every single fandom, it's getting especially worse in the twst fandom, specifically the Japanese side of the fandom (with some discussions about some in the English side too).

Before any proshippers come into the comment section: Proshipping is NOT a healthy coping mechanism. If your therapist recommended it, they should be fired.

This post is not to dehumanize and degrade underage proshippers as they have been obviously groomed into believing that it was okay to ship this sort of stuff.

The actual elephant in the room we WILL be shunning is the adult proshippers who actively encourage children (either actually or under law) to proship.

Before getting fully deep in this subject, I would like to admit something that I've talked about before.

I was a proshipper when I was younger than what I am now. This was because, not getting into too much detail, I was groomed by a man online to the point that i thought it was okay.

Not only was I a proshipper but I was also a darkshipper, problematic comshipper, and also supported the things present in Dead Dove fanfics.

In fact, I had an account on some sort of forum page with other proshippers and I shared my nasty ships there. I believed it was a good way of desensitizing myself to my trauma that fucked me up heavily, but it wasn't and it was making me relive the same trauma which in return, made it worse.

This is why I say that I do not want anyone to shun underage proshippers, they were groomed into it half of the time.

Now that I'm 18 (About to turn 19 on February 14th), I finally understand that proshipping is an unhealthy way of approaching your trauma and pain.

It may feel like it does something, but it really doesn't. And I want to reassure you that you're not alone in your pain, please, find other ways to cope and process what has happened to you that doesn't include glorifying very nasty things.

Now with that out the way, I would like to say what the title says.

Proshippers in the twst fandom has sadly grown overtime, but my niece made a very good point; stating that since twst does have a slightly dark story, that people with dark and nasty thoughts and ideas will be attracted to it, much like a moth to a flame that damages it's already fragile body.

There have been adults in the twst proshipper area, and I think they're the main cause of fueling minors in the fandom to do the same thing. Maybe with or without knowing the eventual psychological consequences.

The adults who are aware sadly lure and prey on the gullible underage individuals of the fandom, and though that might seem like an overexaggeration; it sadly is true.

I am Japanese, well, half-Japanese. But even then, due to that fact, I'm more prevalent in the Japanese fandom than the English fandom though I am trying to balance out both.

Since I am more present in the Japanese side of the fandom than I am with the English side (because I'm basically like an absent dad that went off to get the milk and never came back until years), I have seen a lot of shit in here and it's very scary even to this day.

Though the English side of the fandom is as equally bad, the Japanese side is worse with the whole l0li and sh0ta thing. Sadly I have seen English twst accounts do those things too.

The most popular proshipper you may know is Ugigi or however the fuck you spell her name, whether one likes to admit it or not, her selfships were very much proshipping. This is mainly due to how her OC could've been her actual age which was in her 20s if I'm remembering correctly.

But let's say the OC wasn't, it would still be problematic (but not in the proship way) since the characters she drew NSFW of were mainly the minors (again, if I remember correctly). If her OC was her actual age then she would be a proshipper.

However, watever the age of the OC she always drew, it's obvious that it was still leaning more on proshipping because that indicates that she's attracted to the characters despite knowing they're minors (and not even aging them up by the way).

So, very nasty, I was thinking of putting her In the TWs 😭

All jokes aside, proshipping is disgusting.

In fact, must I bring up any other thing?

LEECHCEST.

WHAT.

Well, you heard that right, people ship Floyd and Jade. Seriously, what is wrong with you guys. And I think I know why this ship is so popular in the Japanese fandom; The fact incest is not necessarily illegal in Japan in a way.

Yeah. You heard me correctly. I'm horrified and scarred for life <3

"Surely there isn't anymore I shall talk about, right? Right?? RIGHT?!?" I exclaim, not expecting anything else to come from the sky and hit me.

Then boom..

SHROUDCEST.

OH FUCK NOT AGAIN.

So, apparently people ship a dead robotic little boy with his big brother.. yeah... FNAF fandom called, they're telling you not to steal their bit much like how Deejus is trying to tell Johnny RaZeR not to steal his "YOUTUBEEE" outro bit that.. he also stole.

It can't get any worse than this, right? This is definitely the last tier of the iceberg, surely? Perhaps??-

KINGSCHOLARCEST.

Okay, now we're pushing it, this bit is getting old but whatever.

Kingscholarcest can refer to three (disgusting) "ships": A nasty ship of Cheka x Leona, a nasty ship of Falena x Leona, or a nasty ship of Falena x Leona x Cheka.

Sweet home Alabama all around but more extreme..

I think we all know why these ships are not okay and are disgusting (ESPECIALLY CHEKA X LEONA SINCE CHEKA IS A GOO GOO GA GA BABY.)

Finally.. It's over.. I can go back to ranting!-

FELLOW X GIDEL.

JESUS CHRIST STOP.

This madness needs to stop because if not I'm going to pull my fucking hair out!-

LILMAL, SILVER X LILIA, S-

OKAY STOP IT RIGHT HERE,, THE BIT IS OLD NOW.

So, I think you get my point.

Borderline incestuous ships, the drake specialty, and straight up sweet home right to Alabama.

Now, let's put aside the jokes and get serious again.

With all the things I have stated, you can definitely see the absolute horror of some parts of the fandom.

There's accounts that are VERY hypocritical, saying "P3dos DNI" when they are a sh0ta/l0licon. This is the literal definition of hypocrisy at it's finest.

There are mfs who have unironically said that Cheka was hot and romantically cute.. HE'S 7 YEARS OLD. OR MAYBE YOUNGER. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER BUT I DO KNOW HE IS A CHILD.

I have said this MANY times before and I'll say it again; if that characters looks like a child, THEY ARE A CHILD.

Even if you age up characters like Ortho, Cheka, etc. You are still self-reporting that you're attracted to a literal child.

Fiction DOES affect reality no matter if you try to plug your mickey mouse ears with your fingers (or paws, I don't know) to gaslight yourself into believing it doesn't truly affect it.

In fact, there have been cases where people have been arrested for having l0li/sh0ta on their devices, though, sadly, its not a long sentence despite how it should be lifelong.

But even without the lifelong sentence, the law still considers l0li/sh0ta CSAM. (I hate calling it CP now since that implies that kids can do that in their own will.)

A grown adult proshipper even told me when I criticized Kanna from dragon maid for being a little girl the author sexualizes to no end all because I said that she doesn't have a listed age that I was being "contradicting" and I think this proves that.. proshippers DON'T know what contradictions ACTUALLY are because they've gaslit so much into believing this disgusting behavior is normal and okay to do.

And don't get me started on Dead Dove cai, chai, etc. bots and fanfics.

Dead Dove, proshipping, problematic comshipping, darkshipping, doveshipping, etc. doesn't give out awareness to the horrors of such depraved acts.

Another very nasty thing I've seen in the TWST fandom is people shipping the staff with the students, mainly Crewel with Deuce.

Teacher x Student is disgusting no matter what. Teachers are always more grown than the students, so yeah, teachers aren't the anime boy or girl of your dreams or something, he or she's going to be old and otherwise not "attractive" and young.

The training to become a teacher and any profession in fact will take years, which means you'll grow and turn old.

I understand many say "Well, it's just fiction!" but these people seem to forget that young individuals, especially young girls, can see these teacher x student fiction and will probably, in the worst case scenario, get the wrong impression from it, ESPECIALLY if the media glamorizes and romanticize it, and sadly become a victim.

Crewel, If I'm not wrong, is 31 meanwhile Deuce and the other first years that [Crewel] mainly gets shipped with are 16 years old.

This is not only a disgusting, vomit-inducing age gap but huge maturity gap whether one likes to admit so or not.

Yanderes especially in the twst fandom get romanticized, and people seem to forget the reality of the abuse that yanderes put their "love interest(s)" through.

And I think this is why fandoms (not just twst) should stop romanticizing yanderes and student x teacher, and vice versa.

Besides, these two tropes are grooming even if the victim is not a minor, adults and the elderly alike can also be groomed especially if they're gullible and need to depend on someone (for either a disability or something).

People will probably invalidate my point but I don't budge from what I said.

Sorry if this posts looks rushed and/or maybe even incoherent to some, I just wanted to get this off my chest and stuff.

I should start ranting more, I like yapping so yeah, expect more whenever I'm bored :3

Anyways, BAIIII!!

YOUTUBEEEEEE flies away into the void to the right

[chaoticmultifandom28]

So I was on tiktok and saw someone put James in the ‘men I wouldn’t trust with my drink’ column and I want to scream at the blatant mischaracterization going on there. And before people say I’m basing this on being a marauders Stan and using headcanons, I am not, one thing about me is I do like basing my characters on what we know from canon and just adding on.

Was James a major bully in canon? Yes. He was, he and all his friends tormented Snape just cuz Snape was a slytherin and friends with lily. But also Snape gave back as good as he got. And no, I don’t categorize them pantsing him as SA, because they were not doing it for sexual gratification. Back then pantsing was a normal power play between a bully and a victim. It was wrong and terrible and they definitely should not have done it.

But James eventually matured. What people seem to forget that happened in canon was james immediately running and saving Snape from Remus when Sirius decided to lose his mind and send Snape to the shrieking shack on a full moon night when Remus was transforming into a werewolf. James may have hated Snape, but he was at least mature enough and honorable enough to save Snape from a terrible fate (whether it was death or becoming a werewolf). He knew it was wrong and saved him instead.

Also, do you really think lily who was adamant on not dating James when he was a bully just up and decided to marry him if he hadn’t changed? ‘But she only did it after Snape called her a mudblood’ no, that’s not an explanation. Her life and morals and choices do not revolve around a man and being emotional.

And before people come at the Jily ship saying ‘James asked her out over and over until she caved. He was one of those creepy men who can’t take no for an answer’, that isn’t what happened in canon at all. We don’t fully know how the whole story went.

Also, I want to remind people we are only seeing Snape’s side of the story and his memories, we don’t get the full picture of the Marauder’s Era. Snape is so stuck in his past that he’s canonically punishing Harry for stuff his dad did to him in the past, he’s gonna have to convince himself that what he’s doing is justified in his mind, so of course he’s gonna just show the bad stuff that happened to him. We don’t see the stuff he’s done, but we know he spent time with some bad people who were definitely doing terrible bullying of others in the name of blood supremacy, otherwise how exactly did he get into the Death Eaters and become someone the Dark Lord relied on.

[aishangotome]

[Azel] The Mean Unicorn's Greedy Desire (Bday Story) - Let Me Tell You a Secret About God - His POV

Part 3

Gods are supposed to know everything.

That's what people tend to think, but it's not true.

Silvio: Huh? You don't even know how to celebrate a normal birthday?

A few years ago, Prince Silvio, who had come all the way to Tanzanite for a business discussion, was astonished.

He was so different from the person who had been engaged in a heated debate about new shipping routes just a few minutes ago.

Azel: Unfortunately not. For me, a birthday is a matter of state.

Azel: As a god, I don't celebrate others either. My blessings are a bit heavy for ordinary people.

Silvio: Certainly, considerin' your position, it's not strange...

Silvio: You have expertise in all sorts of fields, enough for me to come all the way here, yet you're ignorant of common sense.

Azel: I have to admit, I'm not interested in it either.

Silvio: Then why did you ask 'bout "how ordinary people celebrate birthdays"?

Azel: No particular reason.

Silvio: You don't wannna say?

Azel: Well, I heard that it's your birthday, Prince Silvio.

Azel: I'm not one to celebrate others, but I should try to win your favor, shouldn't I?

Azel: If I miss a big money opportunity, the name of god will be ruined.

There was no profound reason why he was interested.

He had just "seen" a birthday in a dream the other day.

The way they celebrated and their attitude towards birthdays were completely different from what he knew, and it was just a trivial matter that he brought up in casual conversation to correct the discrepancy in his knowledge.

Silvio: ...Well, whatever. Generally, people celebrate with a birthday cake and presents, don't they?

Silvio: In Benitoite, we add alcohol to that.

Azel: A birthday cake... such a thing exists.

Silvio: They have them in Tanzanite too, right?

Azel: They might, but I've never peeked into an ordinary household's celebration.

Azel: The birthday I know is about listening to people's prayers, giving them blessings, and receiving fine wine and food in return.

Azel: It's just a ritual.

Silvio: ...Somehow...

Silvio: For the first time ever, I feel sorry for ya.

Azel: If you feel sorry for me, please donate money.

Silvio: I'll give ya as much as you want dependin' on your "divination."

(Birthday cake...)

(...I wonder what it's like.)

-

The Apostle: Living God, on this momentous day, I offer my heartfelt gratitude on behalf of the people of Tanzanite.

The Apostle: Blessings to you, who were sent from the moon. May our country's path be blessed with prosperity.

---Several years later, the annual ritual celebrating the god's birth was held as usual.

(...This is so tedious.)

It was a monotonous job, simply looking down at the old man kneeling before the god sitting on the throne.

The king and officials in important positions were standing around, offering prayers to the god with almost comical earnestness and sincerity.

I stifled a yawn behind my pasted-on smile and glanced at the tightly closed screen.

(Is she not here yet?)

-

---A few hours earlier.

Emma: ...What kind of ritual is it that you have after this?

Azel: It's nothing much. It's a simple job where I just have to receive congratulatory words in the throne room.

Emma: ...You have work to do on your birthday?

Azel: That's right. Isn't it pitiful?

The girl from Rhodolite, who had come from a foreign land, furrowed her brows as she measured the ingredients she would probably use for the birthday cake, either unconsciously or intentionally.

Her face, which seemed to say "working on your birthday is unthinkable," probably showed sympathy, just like Prince Silvio.

It was only recently that I learned this was a normal reaction.

(She's a typical do-gooder. I almost feel sorry for her.)

When I ran into her in the city, while I thought I had been found by a troublesome woman, what came to mind was the conversation I had with Prince Silvio a few years ago.

I thought that if it was her, with her ability to judge things with an unbiased perspective, she might be able to let me experience an "ordinary birthday," something I had been curious about...

That thought, and stopping her, was the beginning of it all.

(Good people are good targets in every sense of the word. Poor thing.)

Azel: By the way, the pitiful story continues. There's a party to worship me after the ritual.

Azel: People try to praise me with good intentions and entertain me with fine wine and food, but it's troublesome—no, it's too much for me.

Azel: I'd love to refuse, but it's my birthday, so unless there's a very good reason, people won't let me off the hook.

Azel: Oh, I wish there was a kind-hearted soul somewhere.

Azel: If there was a woman with the most beautiful heart in the small country, she would surely extend a merciful hand to this poor god––

Emma: ...If I get you out of there, will it repay all of today's unreasonable debts?

Azel: Yes, thank you very much.

(See? This is how you get used again.)

The girl from the foreign land makes no attempt to hide her reluctant expression.

In front of the god, even tourists from other countries tend to show reverence and fear the mystery, but she doesn't.

What is reflected in her clear eyes, seemingly untouched by any impurity, is not the god sitting on the ceiling, but a wicked "person."

(There are others like her who are disrespectful, but I still like it. I like that I can act as I please around her.)

Azel: But you agreed more readily than I expected?

Emma: ...Because it's strange, isn't it?

Emma: Why does the birthday person have to do things they don't want to do on their birthday?

Azel: ...........

(I see, that's also "common sense," huh?)

(Birthdays are a day when selfish behavior is allowed, not devotion.)

(It's quite different from my common sense.)

The girl bows her head as if she has come to her senses.

Perhaps she's dutifully thinking that she "denied Tanzanite's culture."

(I don't care about that.)

Emma: I apologize––

Azel: You... do you enjoy it when your own birthday comes around?

I ask to correct the distortion in my perception.

Emma: ...Yes, I enjoy it. My friends celebrate with me every year.

(...Ah, I can picture it.)

Azel: So that's how it is.

Emma: Yes, that's how it is.

(I envy her.)

The conversation comes to a pause, and the girl continues making the birthday cake.

I can't help but follow her movements with my eyes, probably because I'm looking forward to it, unlike my usual self.

(...This year's birthday will be––)

-

Emma: Excuse me, Living God.

Just as I finished the congratulatory address and was about to be escorted to the banquet, the screen opened.

It seemed the girl with the most beautiful heart in the small country couldn't abandon the poor god after all.

I raise a hand to stop the attending soldier who tries to intervene.

Azel: It seems there has been a development with the matter I asked you to look into?

I beckon her to come closer to the throne.

The path surrounded by the country's dignitaries, such as the king and the apostle, must be quite intimidating for a commoner.

But the girl never lowered her gaze.

With a strong gaze and a dignified expression, she walks forward with confidence, so as not to arouse suspicion from those around her.

(What an impressive woman.)

I signal with my finger for the woman in front of me to lean closer to my ear.

She seems to be quick-witted, as she immediately moves close enough that no one else can hear us.

Azel: ...I haven't thought about what happens after this.

Emma: You mean you couldn't come up with anything?

Azel: Your face is known throughout the castle, so you can't disguise yourself as a maid.

Azel: Then what excuse could a mere traveling merchant have to summon the god? That's right, there is none.

Emma: ...You asked me to do this knowing all that?

Azel: Exactly.

(She's not stupid either... Well, I guess the woman who was appointed as Belle couldn't be incompetent.)

With the smile I reluctantly learned in my childhood, I look around again.

Azel: I apologize. I saw a sign of disaster and had her investigate it, but it seems I was right.

Azel: I want to return to the temple quickly and perform a divination, so I'll have to decline the banquet.

Enis: Disaster? Then, should we send soldiers...?

Azel: Her assistance alone is enough.

I rise from the throne and place a hand on the woman's shoulder.

What I felt was a tremor from her nervousness.

(...She really is something.)

Azel: It's rare for me to keep a woman by my side, isn't it? Are you sure you want to interfere with such a rare opportunity?

Enis: ...Well...

The Apostle: Enis, follow the Living God's wishes.

Enis: ...Understood. I pray for your safety.

The sight of all the dignitaries kneeling on the floor at once is comical no matter how many times I see it, and I quickly leave the throne room before a genuine laugh escapes me.

-

Emma: As expected, Prince Azel is silver-tongued. Just like a swindler.

Azel: You're quite the smooth talker yourself, aren't you? It's fine to hold a grudge, but don't forget there's such a thing as slander.

Having finally reached a place where there were no people, the woman seemed to be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Azel: ...To be honest, I thought you would run away again.

Emma: If you're talking about this afternoon, I did come back properly after running away.

Azel: There's no guarantee that will happen next time, is there?

Emma: I keep my promises. Besides...

Emma: I've decided to celebrate Prince Azel properly today.

(...Even though she had no intention of celebrating when we met by chance.)

(I don't know what kind of change of heart she had...)

(But, thanks to your spirit, the birthday cake I ate for the first time was delicious.)

*flashback to earlier*

Emma: It's done! Birthday Special: Rose-patterned Fruit Tart!

Emma: I got a little carried away and made two cakes instead of one...

Emma: But it's surely just right for a hungry Prince Azel, right?

Emma: Once again, happy birthday!

*back to present*

(...That was the first time I've ever been celebrated like that.)

I learn another ordinary thing, and my divinity is chipped away.

That's more comfortable than anything.

(I'm satisfied. It would be fine to part now, but...)

Seeing the fatigue seeping into the woman's smile, I sigh.

(...I can't just give her nothing in return.)

-

There aren't many things that come to mind as a reward.

I don't know and am not interested in the preferences of a woman from a foreign country... especially one I've just met.

But I do know one thing, the best reward a god can give to a mortal.

Azel: This is far enough.

Emma: What...?

I brought her to this deserted oasis because if anyone saw us, it would cause a huge commotion.

What I'm about to give her is something that is extremely valuable to the people of Tanzanite.

(...Though I've never given it to anyone before.)

I turn to face the woman who bumped into my back when I suddenly stopped.

I brush aside her bangs and, recalling a document I read long ago, lightly kiss her forehead.

(...)

(...I'm starting to regret this now.)

The woman is dumbfounded, moving her mouth open and closed with a silly expression.

But I feel like I've done something just as foolish and stupid, and I forcibly push down the intense shame rising within me behind a smile.

Azel: The god of Tanzanite is a being who protects and guides all people equally.

Azel: Protecting the country in this wasteland is the very meaning of my existence...

Azel: It's normally unthinkable for me to favor an individual, especially a girl from a foreign land.

Azel: But, yes, just for today...

Azel: It wouldn't be bad to lavish blessings as a special service only to those who have offered their congratulations.

According to one theory, those who receive a god's blessing are guaranteed a life free from illness and disaster.

I think it's a ridiculous story, but as far as I can tell from reading all sorts of documents, it seems to be true. I think it's a matter of probability, but there's no evidence to deny the blessing.

(Though I don't understand why this is how the blessing is given...)

It's not that I believe in unrealistic things.

I just thought that the woman who gave me a human celebration deserved such a mystical blessing.

(But this is awkward.)

(Incredibly awkward.)

Because of the bright moon, I can see the woman's flushed cheeks.

It's unbearably embarrassing.

Azel: Well, it doesn't come cheap.

Emma: There's a fee!?

Azel: Of course.

Emma: That's a scam...

Azel: A complaint? You've got guts. It's amusing to criticize a god's blessing.

Emma: .......

As I rattle off a series of words, the woman suddenly bursts into laughter.

Her idiotic expression from a moment ago completely changes, and she starts making an infuriatingly smug face.

Azel: ...What is it?

Emma: Nothing, it's nothing.

(...Damn it...)

(Oh, I know, I know. If I can see your expression...)

(That means you can see mine too, right?)

My shame finally reaches its limit, and I force a smile, though I'm irritated––

Azel: Stop that face.

Emma: Ow, that hurts...!

Even though I pull on her soft cheeks, the smugness doesn't disappear from the woman's face.

That only fuels the heat that won't go away.

Azel: The god will never protect you again. Goodbye.

When I turn my back and try to escape, she immediately grabs my sleeve.

Emma: Please don't say goodbye! I was happy!

Emma: It means that my cake was worthy of a blessing, that it was that much of a celebration for you.

Emma: That blessing just now, was it a thank you for the birthday cake?

(It is... it is, but...)

I put strength into the fingers I place on her cheek again.

Azel: ...That's kind of annoying.

Emma: Ow, that hurts!?

Azel: You're seriously misunderstanding. It's not like I want to thank you.

Azel: I just thought I'd add to your debt since I had the chance.

(No...)

(...Making excuses like an idiot will only make me feel more pathetic.)

I can't even look the woman in the eye anymore.

Emma: ...I-I understand.

Emma: I'll... I'll pretend that's what it is.

Azel: You don't understand at all.

Perhaps I've tormented her cheeks too much, as the woman shows a sign of resistance.

I loosen my grip, but I'm still not satisfied.

Azel: You disrespectful person.

Emma: ...S-Sorry?

Azel: Don't make it a question.

(...Calm down.)

(I'm a grown man. I don't want to be any more pathetic than this.)

(Just be honest. It's a simple task.)

Azel: It's not a thank you, but... it wasn't bad.

Azel: You're the only one who would dare celebrate a god's birthday as a human.

Azel: ...You're the only one, unique to me.

(...)

(...I can't thank her with words after all. Let's part ways.)

I let go of her cheek and turn my back on her for real this time.

Emma: I was also happy to make an important discovery today.

Azel: Doesn't sound worth hearing. Goodbye.

Emma: Prince Azel is actually shy--

(Damn it!)

Emma: Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

Hearing such an outrageous insult, I couldn't help but pull on her cheek.

Azel: Say that again. I'll sue you for insult and throw in a divine punishment as a bonus.

Emma: That's not fair...!

(It can't be helped.)

*flashback to earlier*

Emma: I wasn't trying to feed it to you!

Azel: Well, don't do anything confusing.

Emma: ...Eh?

Azel: ...?

Emma: Did you really misunderstand that?

Azel: I didn't misunderstand. You looked like you wanted to feed me, so I reluctantly played along. For a fee.

Emma: A fee!?

Azel: I need more apples. Offer more. Then I'll waive the feeding fee.

Emma: Please hold the fork properly this time.

Azel: ...Shut up. This is my first time doing this.

*back to present*

Azel: Let me tell you a secret about god.

I raise the corners of my mouth as I pinch her cheek.

Azel: I'm petty.

Emma: That's not a secret!

(It is a secret.)

(...It's only with you that I become this petty.)

.

.

.

FIN

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[11queensupreme11]

Hi Queen! I wanted ask: If Percy does not want to have children any time soon, how would all the yandere react to it in their actions and responses? Maybe Percy keeps pushing it off. Considering if they are ready to have children. Also, maybe if thrown in she just wants to return back to her original world. Anyway, thank you for your lovely chapters! I am dying for act 2….and Poseidon! But, still a Posey (is that the ship name for Poseidon x Percy?) and Percades lover here!

unfortunately for percy, children are EXPECTED of her 💀 ofc, she can do what she's already doing in the fic and secretly chug aphrodite's tea as a plan b alternative, and some of the yans would just assume "oh, i guess because she's half human, it won't work 😞 but that's fine, once a safe way to ascend you has been found, we can get to the baby making! 💖" (this is not including the fact that loki and beelzebub already KNOW she can have kids with them in her state)

but lets say she's already been ascended and has been married to the yans!

poseidon: would not listen to her. it's her duty as a wife to provide children and he WILL have those kids. in his eyes, his poor daughter didn't have a mother around to teach her the ways of how to be a proper goddess and wife, but that's okay because daddy will teach her 🥺💖

hades: would just go "awww, you're so silly sweetie 💖" like poseidon, he'd just chalk it up to her being unaware of how things worked because she didn't have a mother to teach her. hades will just delicately (and patronizingly tbh) explain what was expected of her now that they were wedded; as his wife, she must bear his children. so simple, right? now time for her to lay back down on the bed and take him like a good little wifey should 🥰

beelzebub: actually wouldn't mind! he's very content with the fact that he finally married the love of his life so he'll be okay if she doesn't want kids right away! he's more than happy to enjoy his time with her and her alone. he's aware that this isn't the proper way to do things, but he literally doesn't give a shit. kids can come later! he loves the idea of having kids with her, but at the same time he's also terrified. he knows he's pure evil, that he's a horrible monster, he's literally the DEVIL after all so he feels like any kids he has with her would only hurt her while she's carrying them (like bella with rheumatoid arthritis)

anubis: a heartbroken puppy 🥺 "what do you MEAN you don't wanna carry a whole litter of 4-9 babies in your womb?????? does that not sound absolutely AMAZING to you????? think about our poor sweet kebi, she feels so lonely, she wants a baby sibling sooooo bad, would you really deprive her the chance of being a big sister??????? 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺" *cue kebi tugging at her mommy's skirt looking up at her like 🥺* he doesn't give a shit about propriety, he just wants to breed percy 😂

cú chulainn: the children will be born from hate sex. he's gonna take her rejection as an insult and be sooo offended 😂 "oh you don't wanna get knocked up by me? fine, go get knocked up by your uncle then! or maybe you wanna give your dear old dad a go?? how about ur cousin, hmm? GO ON THEN, SEE IF I CARE 😠" and then he actually loses his shit when she tries to walk out on him 😭

loki: he wouldn't actually mind it, he has a lot of kids already! sure he'd love to breed her, but its fine if it never happens. BUT if percy ever says "i don't want kids" then he'll just breed her harder just to mess with her cuz he's a piece of shit like that 😭

apollo: "oh you don't wants kids? 😭 that's fine 😭 really, it's okay 😭 i totally understand 😭😭😭😭😭" and then he leaves to go to his art room with all his fictional perpollo children that he made up and just start BAWLING. afterwards, he's gonna do whatever he can to make her change her mind CUZ HE WANTS THOSE PERPOLLO BABIES 👹👹👹👹👹

and omg i didn't see the last part about her telling them that she wants to go home, but that's just a terrible idea because all of them would just destroy her universe as punishment 😭😭😭

[itsallmouthwashing]

Mouthwashing/ Star trek crossover!! What if the cargo ship was encountered by the Enterprise which once again had crossed into another dimension

YES!! Ive been trying to learn at least a little about Star Trek since I've never watched it- but I really hope I did this drabble some justice! (is it a Drabble if its almost 1k words???) I plan to make it part of a larger storyline :))))) that ties in with another ask :)))))))) ehehehhehehe :))))))

Content Warning for depictions of gore closer to the end (I have plans that I cannot reveal because the haters will sabotage me)

Work under the cut. Look out for more :)

[Mouthwashing requests are SO OPEN BTW!]

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!

It wasn't supposed to end like this. It wasn't supposed to be this way. 

He was supposed to dead. They all were supposed to be dead.

If he thinks hard enough, Jimmy can escape to a place in his mind where they are dead. One where the ship crashed, the cockpit exploded, and everyone was left to wither away in their own melted flesh and boiling fluids. He can imagine this place is heaven, or hell, or some other afterlife that turned out to be the true resting place of pure and wicked souls alike. 

The platform is unfamiliar- unlike anything Jimmy’s seen- and his 4 person crew surround him like he’s some sort of center piece, each phasing in like someone is slowly turning up their opacity to 100. The glass below his shaking legs bleeds with blood unspilled. In another life, he sees the bodies on the ground, lifeless and breathless, bleeding and broken, boiled and torn. 

Everyone is here.

Everyone is alive. 

And there’s someone behind a bright console, looking at them with such stoicism on his pale yellow face one could think he’s a robot. 

“Hello,” he says, and everyone’s heads whip to him. 

“Hello,” says Curly, stepping forward through his position behind Jimmy. He glances around at the long lights that illuminate the half cylinder they’re in. “Who are you?”

“My name is Data.” The man steps out from around the console. “Who are you?”

“I’m Curly, Captain of the Tulpar. I think we… uh… crashed into your ship. We’re terribly sorry-”

“Please, Captain Curly of the Tulpar. Do not apologize. We should be the one’s apologizing to you.”

“We?”

Curly glances over his shoulder, his chest tightening with suspicion and guilt at the act of being suspicious. He has no reason at all, but there’s an itching at his brain stem that won’t go away.

On cue, someone in a red and black long sleeve walks through a set of sliding doors. Daisuke winces at the mechanical whirr. It’s so much louder than the doors on Tulpar. 

“Greetings, fellow travelers. I am Captain Piccard of the Enterprise.” He gestures around. “Terribly sorry for the unexpected beam. I hope everyone is alright.” He extends his hand with a small smile towards Curly and the taller man takes it tentatively. 

“Captain Curly, of Tulpar. A pleasure. Um,” he takes his hand away and pulls his arms tight across his chest, “Why are we here? What happened?”

Piccard takes a deep inhale before speaking. His eyes only glance down to the floor for a moment before looking back up at Curly. “This is not easy to explain.”

“I could explain, Captain.”

“No, thank you, Data. To put it simply, we are from a different dimension.” Picard folds his hands in front of him and surveys the reactions of the Tulpar crew; shock, glee, curiosity, and wonder, all mixing in the features. “We were charting a course to the next location when we suddenly encountered a wormhole. I believe it spit us out directly in your ship’s course, landing you right in one of our thrusters.” 

“I see. Is everyone-”

Fire erupts on Curly’s skin, spreading quicker than his synapses can fire and get him into action. The pungent smell of burning rot fills the teleporter room and funnels out into the hallway as Piccard rushes out, yelling a name no one understands through the panic- Curly’s panic, his screams, his anguish bouncing off the walls and threatening to shatter all the glass in the room.  Data pulls a fire extinguisher from a far wall and deploys the foam, but the fire doesn't go down until Piccard rushes back in with someone with pointed ears. She moves to dump a large bucket of water onto him but the Enterprise’s captain stops her when fire suddenly dies out. Almost like someone simply blew out a candle. 

His skin is gone, his nerves singed and charred as his now black clothes cling to exposed muscle. His left eye trickles down his chin, catching in a spot burned all the way to his jaw bone.

Captain Piccard steps in front of him, instinctively going to catch Curly by the shoulders before the moment registered in his mind. He keeps his hands in front of him when he says, “Captain, you’re going to go into shock.” Curly tries to nod. “You’ve probably lost a lot of feeling so don’t be alarmed, we’re going to lay you down-” More people rush into the teleporter room as distant shouting comes closer surprisingly fast. Four people in black and blue uniforms come in with a board to lay Curly’s now unconscious body. One of them puts something below his legs to elevate them, and he’s carried out of the room just as swiftly with Piccard following after them.

Data finishes speaking with someone else in a yellow top and turns to the remainder of the crew. “We will have time for formal introductions later. For now, please follow me.”

“Where are we going?” Jimmy seems to be the only one able to speak. Anya stares at the doors with wide, horrified eyes. She’s trying to astral project herself out of the room and down the hall because she’s paralyzed from the eyes down but she needs to go with him. She’s the nurse, she’s responsible for their health. She needs to-

“Our medical crew will take much time and care treating your friend. I wish to take the four of you to a place where you can rest while the Captain is occupied.”

[twig-gy]

i can’t help but think jimmy is more than pure evil. not that he didn’t do bad things, because of course he did, but i dislike how he is written off as pure evil. i can’t help but think about how he felt like he was the only one that could Fix everything and that Responsibility was choking him and that he felt - not was, really, but felt - left behind, in that aloneness. he made a mistake and then tried to make it right and it all fell apart. and the mistake i’m talking about here is crashing the ship. his casual disregard for others is lamentable, and that’s the bad thing about him. you can feel like you’re the only one that can or will Fix Everything without being a horrible person. when it comes to harming other people and not even registering that harm, that’s bad, right? and you can change. except he didn’t, he got tunnel vision, he didn’t even think of it as bad because he doesn’t think of anyone as a person. breaking news it’s bad to harm other people

id: a youtube comment reading ‘i love how jimmy thinks taking responsibility means to be put in charge, when everyone else wants him to take responsibility of his actions’. end id

^ by GameHer0. i just found this and it fits well, i think. cause jimmy can take responsibility for material things, but he cannot take responsibility for what he’s done to other people, and that’s the bad thing with him.

maybe it’s just that i spent the game immersing myself as him, maybe i don’t have the proper disdain for him i should - and yes, i do see his actions as objectively bad - but i can’t help but think he isn’t pure evil, and i can’t help but think he did want to fix his mistakes - the ones he recognized, the way he harmed THINGS. and that he did want to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for them. in his twisted way. i think wanting to be captain - that way of TAKING RESPONSIBILITY - was jealousy, but also, he crashed the ship, and that’s a different thing. maybe it’s just that jimmy is not well and jimmy wants to, in a paraphrase, Make Pure And Clean And Good, and that i want to justify that part of him, because a screen blaring TAKE RESPONSIBILITY is so similar to, if not the same as, the itch to Fix and Make Right that i have … but whatever

and it annoys me when people censor his name or change it, because a) it writes him off, fails to engage properly with his character, naming him as Evil before pushing him to the corner where they don’t have to think about him and people like him and WHY he is like that and b) similarly, it doesn’t properly respect him, and, more importantly, HIS CRIMES???????????????

[deathmetalunicorn1]

Genya Shinazugawa!reader as a member of the Straw Hats with Sanemi being a member of the Whitebeards and not happy that his brother became a pirate since he is scared of losing him

-It was a massive party that had been planned out by Whitebeard, wanting to meet Ace’s little brother Luffy, hearing how the little rascal and his crew had been making big news all over the Grand Line.

-Luffy took little convincing once Ace said there was going to be a lot of food, and the two crews agreed to meet on a summer island to party together.

-What they weren’t expecting was that there was another set of siblings on the two crews, you, who was on Luffy’s crew, as he met you shortly after Zoro and Nami, and Sanemi, your older brother who had made a name for himself on Whitebeard’s crew.

-Unlike Ace and Luffy who had a good relationship, you and Sanemi had little to no relationship, after he left you, abandoning you after your whole family was killed by cruel marines, only to be killed by Sanemi, leaving both of you heavily scarred, both inside and out.

-He told you years ago that he was going to become a pirate, to become strong and prevent any more marines from doing anything like this, and when you expressed your interest in doing the same, he beat you up before leaving you, telling you that someone so weak would never be a pirate.

-He only said that and did that to you to make you afraid, to keep you safe, with the hopes you would get a normal job and live a normal life like how you deserved, but his words only drove you to work harder to become a pirate.

-Now you’re one of two marksmen on Luffy’s crew alongside Usopp, but while he used slingshots, you used actual guns, ranging in all styles and sizes.

-Despite your rather gruff personality whenever you met anyone new, your true personality was quick to show- a tsundere with a heart of gold- you were such a sweet and kind person- it was honestly adorable how gruff you tried to portray yourself as.

-You were also very respectful to everyone in the crew, as they were the ones who made you into the feared pirate you were today. Now if you could just catch up to your brother’s bounty, even surpassing it, you would be even more content, as that would prove to your brother that you were a great pirate!

-The initial meeting as Luffy leapt off the ship and ran to Ace, tackling him down made smiles go all around, both crews happy to see the reunion.

-As the rest of you got off and headed towards the large group, one person stepped forward and everyone seemed to freeze as Sanemi looked like a demon was surrounding him, looking furious.

-You glared back, a hand coming to your hip as you looked angry as well as he stomped over, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?! You’re not supposed to be a pirate!”

-You glared back, now being able to fight back as you were bigger now, “You don’t have the right to lecture me when you abandoned me!”

-Everyone looked between the two of you, realizing that you were siblings as you both looked similar as you both shouted back and forth at each other. Sanemi threw a punch at your disrespect, as you should listen to him since he’s older, but he only grew more enraged when you dodged his blow and threw one of your own, sending him staggering back after you nailed him across the face hard.

-The two of you were quickly in a brawl, leading many trying to pull the two of you apart, even Whitebeard and Luffy who were both yelling at you to knock it off.

-Sanemi punched you hard, sending you flying back, “You idiot! You weren’t supposed to be a pirate! You were supposed to live a normal life!!”

-You quickly rolled to your feet, wiping your bloody nose with the back of your hand, “How was I supposed to do that when our family was killed, and you walked out on me?! Who was I supposed to look up to in order live a normal life?!”

-Eyes went to Sanemi, hearing how he left you after your family had been killed and his eyes went white as he charged with a furious yell, and you did the same.

-At the very last second, someone appeared beside the two of you and punched you both hard, sending you flying. Nami breathed in deeply, her fists smoking as she stopped the fight easily.

-You both were quickly on your knees in front of her as she chewed you both out, a lump on each of your heads, but you were smart- knowing not to talk back to Nami, but Sanemi didn’t know this listen and by the time she stomped off, Sanemi was covered in lumps and he was face down in the dirt, unable to move.

-The two of you, as punishment, had to drink and eat together, to reconcile, but there was nothing like that, only eating and drinking while glaring at each other.

-It was Sanemi who instigated conversation with you, “You’ve gotten tall.” You glanced over, eating another piece of meat, “Yeah- Sanji keeps us all fed well.” It was awkward for anyone listening to the conversation, seeing how the two of you were trying.

-By the time the party ended with everyone passed out, leaving only you and Sanemi, or so you thought, he finally spoke, “You’ve gotten stronger- that punch was impressive. Guess I was wrong about you being weak.” You knew that for Sanemi, that was as close as he was going to get to apologizing to you.

-You gave him a grin, lifting your mug, “I was motivated to prove you wrong- now all I have to do is surpass you!” he grinned in return, welcoming the challenge, “I’d like to see you try!”

-While not completely forgiving him, you were at least willing to be a little nicer to him, something Luffy and Whitebeard, who were also awake, shared a grin over, happy to see you two getting along.

[eand47]

Prologue | Denying

Summary: Being an artist was your life purpose and you figured it out at a very young age. No one was surprised when you quickly made a name of yourself among the art communities around the world. Everything was going according to your life’s plan, until you were diagnosed with a life changing condition - Parkinson's disease. Since that day everything started to slowly collapse for you. Looking for an escaping, moving to a small, forgotten from the world sea coast town was the only solution you could think off. Buying an old beach house, which was screaming for renovation, was the greatest escape - until you met your annoying next door neighbour and his dog. A neighbour who had his own issues and demons to deal with but somewhere between the pain and the obstacles life has thrown to both of you, you found comfort in each other. All because he had the right colour of blue paint for your staircase banister.

Main characters: Portgas D Ace x Reader (female)

Description: Modern AU | Early 40s retired Captan!Ace and Artist!Reader

WARNINGS: ALL CHARACTERS ARE AGED UP, major age gap between Reader and Ace (!sixteen years!), 18+ only, angst, hurt/no comfort, family trauma, emotional distress, !mentions of Parkinson's disease!, mentions of depression, mentions of death/lost of a loved one, slight hints of abusive relationship

Word Count: 3,4K

story masterlist | main masterlist | next chapter ->

NOTE: It's finally out. Thank you everyone for your patience ♡ I want to warn you all in advance that this story will take a little longer for its chapters to be uploaded as a lot of the topics take a lot of research. This is a story which I believe will turn out very beautiful and sensual but also very emotional, so please keep this and mind and if you don't feel comfortable reading about disabilities and major age gap - I don't recommend reading it ♡ The prologue is just a little introduction to what has happened to Ace and Reader before they cross paths, as I intentionally kept Ace's part shorter than hers (+ his happened 3 and a half years prior to Reader's exhibition). Something super important please keep in mind that - yes, this is a ModernAU, but the time period is early 2000's so the use of social media and ect. aren't a thing in the story. Again pay special attention to the warnings as I don't want anyone to get triggered. Thank you and enjoy ♡ !english is not my first language so if you see any mistakes let me know!

Nothing but darkness could be seen in the vast sea, until lightings flashes and thunderclaps across the night sky and its horizon. Dark clouds obscure the moon and the stars as hurricane storm has taken the big cargo ship hostage. The massive ship has no other choice but to take the hits of the waves, which are looming over them embodied with all nature’s wrath. Stuck in the middle of the storm, the crew has no other choice but to do everything in their power to get out of it. With each ferocious wave attack the ship is getting more and more damaged. Located on the top deck of the ship, the windows which provide an unobstructed view of the water in all directions of the wheelhouse are trembling as another wave crashes into them. The whole lower deck is covered in sea water as the angry from the storm sea is trying to overpower the ship.

“Captain, what course should we keep?” The helmsman of the ship loudly calls to the tall black-haired man in charge, which is standing next to navigational officer, while trying to get in contact with the nearest port or a marine pilot.

“It’s pointless, Ace. There is no signal at all.” Says the navigational officer. Frowning his dark thin brows the captain curses under his breath.

“Keep the course straight.” The captain tells the helmsman while looking out of the window watching waves taking over the container on the ship. “Okay, men. This isn’t my first storm at sea nor is it yours.” His deep stern voice fills up the space. “Put the fear aside and hold still as this storm doesn’t seem to want to calm down anytime soon.” He turns to his crew as he straightens his posture and taking look at each of his men eyes, which are full of fear. “We all have been prepared for such situations, we all have been through storms, so this will be another one to add to the list, right?” Everyone nods in unison to their captain. He nods back and turns again to face the inky void in front of him. “I will get you all home, I promise.” He whispers to himself.

****

“Okay, so the catering company will be there at three thirty pm, so they can arrange the tables and drinks the way you have instructed me to tell them, and then the first and most important guests are arriving at six pm sharp, as you have promised them a detailed explanation about how you have crated you pieces, and then… (Y/N) are you listening to me?” Your assistant, Nami, a tall young woman in her late twenties, is now looking at you in disbelief. Shaking your head as you have zoomed out for a thousand times today, you give her a questionable look. “(Y/N) you are starting to worry me. You are so easily distracted nowadays.” She scoffs at you. “Please, listen – it is important for you! This is your first biggest exhibition, and you are not even paying attention to me when I talk to you.”

She is right, you aren’t paying any attention to her. Recently this has become like an impossible task for you. The feeling of fatigue has taken over you for some time now and hearing Nami nagging you about your upcoming big night tonight is only adding to your stress.

“I know Nami. I’m sorry, I’m just feeling extremely tired.” You say while looking for a place to sit in the gallery. Your walk and posture are hunched and slowed a bit, something you have noticed recently, but you blame it on all the stress and working hours preparing the exhibition.

Tonight is your big night. You are having your first ever big exhibition in one of the most famous galleries in the country, the Gagosian Gallery. This is your dream coming to life. Six months ago, you received the call that the gallery wants to exhibit your paintings, and for such a young and upcoming artist like yourself, this is once in a million opportunity.

You have been an artis since you can remember. Your mother used to tell you that since you were a baby, you were always mesmerised by colours and the moment you were big enough to hold a paint brush properly you never let it go from that day on. From private art lessons as a child, to art school as a teen and then to one of the most prestige universities for fine arts in your early twenties – you have been an artis your whole life. You can not imagine life without a paint brush in your hands, and you don’t want to.

Nami’s high heels can be heard loudly around the gallery as she is running after you. Your assistant is the short-tempered type, but that is why you hire her in a first place. She is as demanding and as much of a perfectionist as you are. You know that with her next to you, every demand you have for the exhibition will be followed and fulfilled. Siting on one of the sofas in the middle of the gallery, you observe one of Andy Warhol’s famous dollar sign paintings hanged right in front of you.

“Hey, Nami.” You interrupt her and whatever she is talking about. “Can you believe it? My paintings are in the next room, and they are in the same gallery as one of Andy Warhol’s pieces. I feel like a rockstar, right now.” Your chest fills with pride and a big grin spread across your face.

Taking a seat next to you, Nami sighs loudly as her head hangs low. You are quite the demanding boss and sometimes it is a pain in the ass for a person to work for or with you, but you are an artist. A unique one on top of it and very talented. Nami has a previous experience as an artist’s assistant which were nothing compared to you, in both talent and skills. No matter what how hard it is to work with you sometimes, you are still the best boss she has ever had.

“(Y/N), why don’t you get home and come back here around four pm? In the meantime, I will handle everything here.” She pats you on the back and with tired eyes you look at her and nod. You need some rest before your big night, and you are not turning this offer down.

“If there is something important let me know immediately.” And with this you make your way home.

****

Walking into your spacious apartment you sigh once you take off your shoes. Calling out for your fiancé to check if he is home, you get no response back. Going straight to the bathroom you take a nice hot shower before you put some comfortable cloths and drift to sleep.

It isn’t a long nap as you wake up not even two hours later and you look at the clock next to your bedside table. It is just one pm. Lifting your hand to massage your temples you can see and feel it trembling. This has been happening a lot lately, but you blame it on stress. It has been like this for the past year now, every time you are stressed your hands just tremble and that is it.

But recently the tremor in your hands and the stiffness in your body is bothering you. That is why a week ago, you went to check with your doctor. You wanted to make sure that everything with you is okay, especially your hands, but you won’t be getting any results until the beginning of next week.

Getting up from bed you make your way to the kitchen as you feel your stomach ramble. Walking into the specious kitchen you see your fiancé’s back facing you as he is talking on the phone. Sneaking behind him, you wrap your arms around his torsos and kiss the back of his shoulder. He looks at you over it and points you with his eyes to leave him alone as he is on the phone. Continuing with his business call you just let go of him not wanting to irritate him even more. Opening the fridge, you find it empty as always. You never learn how to cook so you and your fiancé – Doflamingo, usually go out and eat somewhere or order take away. Reaching for the portable phone on the kitchen island you dial the Thai place close to you to order some food.

The food arrives after twenty minutes but Doflamingois still on his phone. You decide not to wait for him as soon you need to start getting ready for your big night. Not even finishing the whole box of Thai noddles, you leave it on the side and go to the bathroom ready to glam yourself.

You have just finished doing your hair when Doflamingoenters the bathroom. He comes and hugs you as he wraps his arms around your middle.

“Did you talk on the phone until now?” You are observing him in the mirror.

“It is an important client, baby.” He response as he starts kissing your neck and runs his hands down to your hips.

“I don’t have time for this I should be in the gallery in an hour.” You are quick to push his hands away as you are a starting to get anxious for the upcoming night. Doflamingo just rolls his eyes at you and instead of following you, he just walks back to the living room. Walking out of the bathroom, you enter your bedroom going straight to the big walk-in closet. Taking off your clothes you grab the long silk silver metallic dress hanged in one of the hangers. Putting it on with the matching silver high heels you are ready to go.

Looking for Doflamingoaround your apartment you see him sitting on the sofa with the remote in his hands.

“Doffy, I’m going now. Be on time, please.” You say to him, with a little hope that he will turn around a look at you, make you a compliment or something for all the effort you have put, but no. Doflamingo is Doflamingo– if it isn’t a football game or an important business call, which would grant him at least a few thousand or hundred of thousands dollars, he doesn’t really care to pay much attention. As he says, ‘everything is an investment’ and sometimes you wonder if you are seen as one as well.

“Yea, yea I will be there.” He replies, his eyes not moving from the screen where the last football match he has recorded plays. With a bit of hurt and disappointment you turn around and go to call for a taxi.

****

The night so far is going great. The first meeting with your special guests has gone smoothly and now a lot of your friends, colleagues and fellow artist have come along to observe and admire your exhibition. As you are talking with some fellow artist you spot your big sister – Rebecca, and excuse yourself.

“Becca.” You call out and she turns. Her face lights up when she sees you and with a quick run she comes and hugs you.

“My little sister, you made it.” She squeaks with excitement as you are tightly wrapped in her arms. “Mom and dad would have been so proud of you.” Tears build up in Rebeca’s eyes, while you just swallowed hard.

Your father has died when you were only two years old, so you don’t have a single memory of him. Everything you know about him is from your mother and sister, which is ten years older than you. Her and your mother have been your biggest supporters, but sadly for both of you, you have lost your beloved mom two years ago. It was unexpected and so sudden which caused a big distress and sorrow on you two. Both of you took it very hard, especially Rebecca and because of it you tired to be the stronger one. You have barely cried or talked about it, keeping it all for yourself, but it could have been sense and seen in your paintings from back then.

You wish your mother was here today on your big day, but life has taken her away. Life has taken a lot from you in the past two years, but you shake the thoughts away. Pulling away from Rebecca you smile at her and brush away her tears.

“Thank you, Becca.” You reply and you take a look around. “Where are the kids by the way? Where is Koby?” Your sister has been married for almost a decade now and has two beautiful children with her nice and loving husband Koby. Your nephews – Kyros, who is named after your father and now should be eight years old and the newest member of the family Scarlett, which is named after your mother and it’s only one years old.

 “Ky got sick, and Koby had to stay with him home, so I just left Scarlett with them as I don’t think art exhibitions are the best for babies.” She giggles once she sees your frowned brows.

“The younger you teach them culture the better.” You cross your arms across your chest as you shake your head at your sister. “Anyway, kiss them from me and say hello to Koby. And I hope little Ky recovers fast.”

“He will, but anyway where is... Doflamingo...” Your sister clears her throat as she doesn’t like your fiancé at all, and she doesn’t hide it.

“Yes, I have been asking myself the same thing, but he should be here soon.” You give her a reassuring smile, but Rebecca is not only your sister, she is also your best friend, she knows you like the back of her hand and she can see the hurt in your eyes from the fact that your fiancé still hasn’t shown for your big night.

“I still don’t understand what you see in this cruel man (Y/N). All he sees is a beautiful young woman who he can show around as a price, he doesn’t see your value or you as a person. You can find so much better than him.” Deep down you know that Rebecca is right, but you don’t want to have this conversation now.

“Stop saying it in a way like he is your age, we have only four years difference.”

“I don’t like him and the fact that soon you will be carrying his name, you don’t look and fit his cruel family Donquixote, it makes me sick to my st-” You are quick to shush her as you see the man in fact coming towards you.

“Hey, Doffy. You finally showed up.” You don’t want to hide the fact that you are pissed at him for being later but also you don’t want to start any scandals with him right now.

“Traffic, sorry baby.” He pulls you closer to him and kisses the top of your head. “Rebecca, pleased to meet you as aways.” He gives her one of his arrogant smiles which makes your sister shiver. Rebecca hates this man.

“Well, I still haven’t seen all of the paintings and rooms in the gallery so if you two excuse me I will get going back to it.” She is quick to excuse herself and but not before she gives you a hug. “Be careful.” Rebecca whispers in your ear before she turns around and goes.

“What took you so long?” You turn to Doflamingo with a frown. “You know this night is important to me.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” He says again as he tries to kiss your lips, but you pull away. “I had a more important call than this, okay? But now, I’m here be grateful.” You are so used to this behaviour at this point that you just turn around to go and speak with other people. Of course, he finds a way to ruin your night as aways. Catching you fast he pulls you close to him and with serious tone tells you. “The doctor called and said you must go to the clinic on Monday as your results or whatever you did are done. And cut the attuite.” He warns you once again and grabs your hand locking his fingers with you. You have no choice but to stay by his side till the rest of the night as it just clicks to you – he isn’t here for you, he is here for future partners for his business.

****

Siting in the doctor’s office has you on the edge. From the moment you enter the hospital, and his assistant welcomed you to his office, something doesn’t sit right in your stomach. Your hands are trembling, but again you blame it on stress. Entering the room the grey-haired man takes a sit on his chair and places his hands on his desk. You look at him with expectation in your eyes.

“Hi, Doctor Hiriluk. It is because of stress, right? Nothing that I should worry about.” You get straight to the point.

“Overall, you are healthy.” The doctor starts speaking, but you can sense a ‘but’ in his sentence.

“But...” You raised one eyebrow at him.

“From all the information you have given me last time we saw each other I’m afraid that there is a big possibility that you are...” Taking a deep breath in the doctor looks at you with pain written on his face. “I think that you are in a very early stage of Parkinson’s disease.” The doctor tells you and you are trying to process what you have just heard.

It can’t be. It won’t be. It feels like someone has thrown an ice-cold water at you and you can’t move. ‘No, this can’t be’ you are telling yourself repeatedly in your mind. This can’t be happening to you, not you of all people. This isn’t fair, it’s not fair to anyone, but this isn’t fair. Why now? Why when you are in your prime years? Why when you just start stepping on the steps of success?

Suddenly the room starts to feel small, and oxygen seems to not reach your brain. This can’t be happening. No, you refuse to believe this, there should be some mistake.

“Please, calm down Miss (Y/L/N). I can’t tell for sure, yet. I will give you the contacts of a friend of mine, Dr. Kureha, she is a specialist in neurology and I’m sure she will be able to put a better diagnosis than me.” As he tells you this trying to calm you down, he calls for his assistant to bring you water as he can see that you are almost at the verge of a panic attack. “I can’t be sure even though from what you have told me, you check a lot of the boxes with early symptoms, but this is not my speciality. It is Kureha’s.” His tone is very calming despite the situation.

Taking the glass of water from the assistant you lift it up to your lips and take a sip off it. Lowering the glass and holding it with your hands in your lap you can feel them trembling again. This can’t be it. Doctor. Hiriluk gives you some time to gather your thoughts before you can continue with your conversation.

“Is it there a possibility that you might be wrong?” You ask after some time passes and look up at Dr. Hiriluk.

“It might be, but don’t get your hopes up Miss (Y/L/N).” Dr. Hiriluk takes a deep breath. “That is why I want you to go and speak with Dr. Kureha, she will be able to diagnose you and guides you on how to handle because she is the best neurologist in out there.” Hearing this, all you can do is nod.

Doctor Hiriluk continues to talk, but you can’t focus to listen. Your mind is a mess. If his diagnose is in fact correct, then it means that at some point the only thing which brings you happiness and peace will be taken away from you. Art is everything you have, it is your safe place, it is your escape of the world and the way to express the pain within you. This can’t be. This won’t be. ‘There should be a mistake.’ You think to yourself.  

END NOTE: I hope you enjoy reading the prologue as again it's only a slight introduction of events which will cause the meeting of them two (Ace and Reader). Next chapter will be way longer and it will take place and time where the main story will be happening. Any feedback and comments are welcomed and appreciated as always ♡ Feel free to like and reblog if you enjoyed it and again thank you for reading it ♡

writing, format & dividers © eand47 artwork @mxhxkxcx ©eand47, do not copy or plagiarise my work.

[incredipuppy]

I just think they would have such an interesting dynamic

[boobilby]

Being even more cringe than usual

Featuring my friends drawing of Joel, who I’m pretty sure they don’t even know, @dustystripe is the friend

[chaellooo]

Uhh I'm still not over the fact that Garmadon was possibly naked in the preeminent bcs Lloyd wore his robe