#that’s not even a thousand a month
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Apparently whenever my mental health takes a huge fucking nose dive down the gutter I automatically default to the last fandom I was into pre-2020 in search of comfort
Which actually turned out to be the worst idea ever this time around because the “How do you write like you’re running out of time” segment of Non-Stop cuts way too deep given my current… issues
#if it wasn’t clear the last fandom I was in pre-2020 was hamilton#look I was 13 leave me alone#I’m not actually getting back into it. just relistening to a few songs I used to enjoy#but yeah… back when I heard that song for the first time I really did write all the fucking time#look at me now#less than 20k words in almost 2 years#that’s not even a thousand a month#god. what happened to me#if I had the same ability to write as I did back then mixed with the expanse of my AU-verses I’ve come up with by today#I’d be unstoppable#part of it is less having the ability to write a lot and more having the ability to write. acknowledge that I suck and keep going anyway#I wasn’t good at writing when I was 13. and yet I didn’t care#it was fun for me and that’s what mattered#why isn’t it fun for me anymore#okay actually. I know why#it occurred to me recently that I’ve been extremely depressed for god knows how long#I’ve just been struggling with depression for so long that I’d don’t even notice anymore#I hang out with friends and play video games and binge shows to distract myself all I can#but the second I stop distracting myself it hits full force and searches for the closest thing to latch onto and ruin#which just happens to be my art and writing#my frustration with it is really just my mental illnesses destroying everything I used to hold dear. and there’s nothing I can do about it#back when I first began struggling with mental health art and writing became my coping mechanisms. what a#*am I supposed to do if my coping mechanisms were ruined and now only make things worse?#I don’t know. I just really don’t know#all that’s left for me to do now is finish AIDIB and never write another word again. it’d be one less trigger#one less reason for me to spend every evening sobbing into my pillow because I don’t even have anyone I could cry to#and it’s so hard to accept that I have to let go of something that was once so dear to me. but I don’t think I can last long otherwise#…..#I don’t really have anything else to say tbh
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a bit of my postcanon vision
i heart people arguing
#hfjone#bryce hansen#amelia euler#my art#i have beef with post-canon one stuff that just insta-fixes everything without really hashing out how some of these people could#get horrifically angry at each other... not that i think their relationships can or should be ruined forever i would just like to explore#how badly the boys treated amelia IF YOU THINK ABOUUUTT ITTTTTT#sure stone was the one to intentionally exclude her from the team but bryce+liam dont really do much to actually bring her in the loop#even when liam had months and months to tell her. he simply didnt tell her at any point what stone said about the votes being fake#and i dont knowwww i want to see amelia's tendency to lose herself in really maladaptive acceptance butt up against bryce and his like...#eagerness to leave everything behind. You understand me. you get it. anyway i have a few thousand words kicking around that will probably#never be finished or published but trust me I THINK ABOUT IT. A LOT
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The idea that uni protesters are "elitist ivy-league rich kids larping as revolutionaries" on Twitter and Reddit and even here is so fucking funny to me if you actually know anything about the student bodies at these unis. Take it from someone who's going to one of the biggest private unis in the US, 80% of the peers I know are either from the suburbs or an apartment somewhere in America, children of immigrants, or here on a student visa. I've heard about one-percenter students, but I've never met one in person. Like, don't get me wrong, the institution as a whole is still very privileged and white. I've talked with friends and classmates about feeling weird or dissonant being here and coming from such a different background. But in my art program, I see BIPOC, disabled, queer, lower-income students and faculty trying to deconstruct and tear that down and make space every day. So to take a cursory glance at a crowd of student protesters in coalitions that are led by BIPOC & 1st/2nd-gen immigrant students and HQ'd in ethnic housings and student organizations and say, "ah. children of the elite." Get real.
#also idk how to tell you this but even if it were true. wealthy children potentially sacrificing their educational careers to protest is#a good thing actually. idk how to tell you that caring about people from other nations is good#personal#“this war has nothing to do with most students cuz nobody's getting drafted” idk how to explain to you that we should be angry#that our tuitions of 10s of thousands of dollars that we pay every year for an education is being used to fund a genocidal campaign#also the implication that if you go to a uni institution you are automatically privileged by participation no matter your bg#i didn't /want/ to go to this school. i was supposed to go to a school with an art/animation program. but i realized my immigrant#parents have been working their whole lives to get me here. and turning the opportunity down would be a disservice to their sacrifice#this is getting into convos of “what 2nd gen kids owe their parents” which is different for everyone but. yeah#i just get pissed off at seeing people misrepresenting student bodies as “wealthy” and “privileged” and “elite” when it's such a blatant li#i remember a year ago a friend told me they can't fly home to hong kong for winter break because the plane tickets are too expensive#so they have to find temporary housing around the area#last quarter for a film doc class my film partner made a doc on a small group of marxist grad students from india discussing praxis#during a rally a few months ago in response to police presence the coalition invited palestinian students to speak about their experiences#and lead songs and read poems they wrote. these are STUDENTS. are they elitist too?#this is not to disregard my own personal privilege either.#this whole narrative's just to rationalize a lack of empathy to me. seeing a 19yo student get shot by a rubber bullet and your first#reaction is “HAW! HAW! bet richy rich didn't see THAT coming when she put on her terrorist hood!”#newsflash. these big uni campuses are HAUNTED by the violence of past protests and revolutions and police brutality. we know.#why do you think these coalitions have been making reinforced barricades at record speed
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#I say that but in truth I've been wondering if the time of this blog has come#As time passes I feel more and more unwelcomed in the fandom?#And though I know it's probably all in my head it's still a feeling I haven't been able to brush off in months. Or longer#And in the last days in particular. I feel like one blog too many has blocked me 😅#I don't even remember what blog it was that blocked me and yet ever since it happened I have been carrying this uneasiness#Which. Look. It's plain ridiculous. And probably just a sign for me to move on or move out#I've felt the urge to deactivate so often in the past week#Tumblr has just been feeling like a big party was being thrown in the next door without me being invited. Which I suppose is#intrinsic to socials in general but it only gets worse by the year#I hate those stupid mutuals labels so much.#My Tumblr experience has gotten one thousand times worse ever since they were implemented.#Sigh. Either way I'm probably going to stick around at least untill ss/kk have their moment. I'm not stupid.#If I ever disappear remember to keep archiving b/sd official content for me.#Track and download the masterlist contents if you can. All links break sooner or later.#random rambles
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Having multiple objectives that's like "kill 500 scaldra" and "now kill 300 more with only melee weapons."
Bro how big is their militia. How have we not killed every single scaldra out there.
#not to mention deeply excessive#i mean fuck the military i agree but bro#warframe#the hex#warframe 1999#idle chatter#edit: the worst part is this is a monthly thing. you kill a thousand a month in-universe or smth#not even taking into account regular patrols or other missions we do w/ the hex in the year#good news for them is we're in a loop so they'll come back#bad new for us is they're in a loop and they'll come back
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Has anyone ever thought of the possibility of people in hisui getting a magazine from AFTER ingo and akari go home with either or both of them on it. Like they've already left and lo and behold in the tail end of the entire mess a magazine appears with one of them on the cover looking fresh stunning and most importantly happy. If it were Ingo i feel like he'd be all dressed up goth on the cover of like Vogue or something lmao (i don't think he wouldn't get famous if he wasn't already after coming home. Theyd want the publicity+cool extint Pokémon on the cover). If it were akari shed probably be like posing all badass like the badass teenager she is, scars in full view (she's a survivor!!!!!!). Inside is a little tidibit of their life after coming home. It would be both funny as hell to see them react to how they are in their element and like connect the dots for their strange behaviors AND bring closure to the people they left in hisui. They may never know this but the people in the past do
If anyone uses this idea tag me i may or may not read it but i want to know if you liked it enough to do something with it. I'll probably just keep daydreaming to myself about it lol
Edit: btw there's a whole section talking about everyone's battle prowess and the battle subway for the funnies. Just so you know
#ingo#ingo pokemon#subway boss ingo#submas ingo#pokemon ingo#warden ingo#akari#pokemon akari#akari pokemon#why do they have so may tags#anyway hello people this idea has plagued me mind enough for me to make a dramatic comeback to the tags#i will now disappear again for untold amounts of time#i wish i could be here#but my brain decided to do a funny and annhilate me with ten thousand ocd beams every time i see a smidge of content-#-that even vaguely implies angst. even in my mind lol (<-suffering from the horrors)(doing FAR *FAR* better than i was even just-#-a few months ago tho. just get the occasional panic moment. ig we cant have everything)#anyway goodbye gamers see you in five to ten business months#submas positivity#oh btw last thing emmet is def there with him#maybe not on the cover but in other photos inside of the magazine they all posed together#yes elesa also#i have such a clear view of this curse my undeveloped drawing abilities#jkjk im not being mean to myself lol im getting better#just imagine him on the cover posing with chandelure and sneasler and zoroark in the background and theyre all menacing#except him cause hes smiling so genuenly happy and like kind looking. something something ghosts don't have to be scary
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Donald trump saying illegal immigrants kill “hundreds of thousands of people a year” when there are only around 20,000 homicide deaths a year in the entire U.S. should be enough to have him driven out of politics. It’s insanity that it isn’t.
It’s insanity that the media isn’t hammering the hell out of him for that alone. It’s not just extreme fearmongering, it’s not just exaggeration, it’s not just pure lies, its not just scapegoating and paranoia, its not just hate for the vulnerable, it’s blatant, violent distain for common sense. Any news outlet worth its salt should treat that as if it is the immediate and humiliating end of his campaign.
#donald trump#politics#Joe Biden#cnn#fox news#immigration#I feel like I’m going insane that it is not the biggest news story in the world#the media has been tripping over itself for a month that old man Biden is *gasp* old#but trump can make up hundreds of thousands of murders and it gets to be a footnote to the debat#insanity#even if undocumented immigrants did every murder and caused every overdose death it still wouldn’t be houndreds of thousands
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Hamilton will be 10 years old next year…
#MAKE IT MAKE SENSE#I saw it for the first time live on the second of this month#I don't care what anyone says the show is still a masterpiece of theater#feels like I first got into it yesterday and thousands of years ago at the same time#I know the fandom was awkward in its hay day but I'll take it over how some fandoms are now#it can be so stressful#fandom or at least the little corners of it I saw were so much similar back then…#now people don't seem to get the most basic fandom etiquette#i miss it sometimes#are people who are new to fandom even enjoying themselves???#at least we had fun#sorry a bit of a rant there#hamilton#hamilton musical#hamilton an american musical#lin manuel miranda
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Kingdom of Ash Chapter 61
Chapter; Highlights (okay the entire chapter is a highlight)🤣
As requested @mysterylilycheeta I NEED TO SQUEAL IN WYVERN FANGIRL WITH YOU NOW CAUSE OH M GOODNESS THIS CHAPTER ON SO MANY LEVELS I JUST AHAKWIHUHFEJLZXBKEKA
Agony was a song in Lorcan's blood, his bones, his breath.
Every step of the horse, every leap she made over body and debris, sent it ringing afresh. There was no end, no mercy from it. It was all he could do to keep in the saddle, to cling to consciousness.
To keep his arm around Elide.
She had come for him. Had found him, somehow, on this endless battlefield.
His name on her lips had been a summons he could never deny, even when death had held him so gently, nestled beneath all those he'd felled, I, and waited for his last breaths.
And now, charging toward that too-distant keep, so far behind the droves of soldiers and riders racing for the gates, he wondered if these minutes would be his last. Her last.
She had come for him.
Lorcan managed to glance toward the dam on their right. Toward the ruk rider signaling that it was only a matter of minutes until it unleashed hell over the plain.
He didn't know how it had become weakened. Didn't care.
Still Elide kept urging the horse onward, kept them on as straight a path toward the distant keep as possible.
No ruk would come to sweep them up. No, his luck had been spent in surviving this long, in her finding him. His power would do nothing against that water.
The farthest lines of panicked soldiers appeared, and Farasha charged past them.
Elide let out a sob, and he followed the line of her sight.
To the keep gate, still open.
"Faster, Farasha!" She didn't hide the raw terror in her voice, the desperation.
Once the dam broke, it would take less than a minute for the tidal wave to reach them.
She had come for him. She had found him.
The world went quiet. The pain in his body faded into nothing. Into something secondary.
Lorcan slid his other arm around Elide, bringing his mouth close to her ear as he said, "You have to let me go."
Each word was gravelly, his voice strained nearly to the point of uselessness.
Elide didn't shift her focus from the keep ahead. "No."
That gentle quiet flowed around him, clearing the fog of pain and battle. "You have to. You have to, Elide. I'm too heavy-and without my weight, you might make it to the keep in time."
"No." The salt of her tears filled his nose.
Lorcan brushed his mouth over her damp cheek, ignoring the roaring pain in his body. The horse galloped and galloped, as if she might outrace death itself.
"I love you," he whispered in Elide's ear. "I have loved you from the moment you picked up that axe to slay the ilken." Her tears flowed past him in the wind. "And I will be with you ..." His voice broke, but he made himself say the words, the truth in his heart. "I will be with you always."
He was not frightened of what would come for him once he tumbled off the horse. He was not frightened at all, if it meant her reaching the keep.
So Lorcan kissed Elide's cheek again, allowed himself to breathe in her scent one last time. "I love you," he repeated, and began to withdraw his arms from around her waist.
Elide slapped a hand onto his forearm. Dug in her nails, right into his skin, fierce as any ruk.
"No."
There were no tears in her voice. Nothing but solid, unwavering steel.
"No," she said again. The voice of the Lady of Perranth.
Lorcan tried to move his arm, but her grip would not be dislodged.
If he tumbled off the horse, she would go with him.
Together. They would either outrun this or die together.
"Elide-"
But Elide slammed her heels into the horse's sides.
Slammed her heels into the dark flank and screamed, "FLY, FARASHA." She cracked the reins. "FLY, FLY, FLY!"
And gods help her, that horse did.
As if the god that had crafted her filled the mare's lungs with his own breath, Farasha gave a surge of speed.
Faster than the wind. Faster than death.
Farasha cleared the first of the fleeing Darghan cavalry. Passed desperate horses and riders at an all-out gallop for the gates.
Her mighty heart did not falter, even when Lorcan knew it was raging to the point of bursting.
Less than a mile stood between them and the keep.
But a thunderous, groaning crack cleaved the world, echoing off the lake, the mountains.
There was nothing he could do, nothing that brave, unfaltering horse could do, as the dam ruptured.
Rowan made himself stand there, to watch the last moments of the Lady of Perranth and his former commander. It was all he could offer: witnessing their deaths, so he might tell the story to those he encountered. So they would not be forgotten.
The roaring of the oncoming wave became deafening, even from miles away.
Still Elide and Lorcan raced, Farasha passing horse after horse after horse.
Even up here, would they escape the wave's reach? Rowan dared to survey the battlements, to assess if he needed to get the others, needed to get Aelin, to higher ground.
But Aelin was not at his side.
She was not on the battlement at all.
Rowan's heart halted. Simply stopped beating as a ruddy-brown ruk dropped from the skies, spearing for the center of the plain.
Arcas, Borte's ruk. A golden-haired woman dangling from his talons.
Aelin. Aelin was—
Arcas neared the earth, talons splaying.
Aelin hit the ground, rolling, rolling, until she uncoiled to her feet.
Right in the path of that wave.
"Oh gods," Fenrys breathed, seeing her, too.
They all saw her.
The queen on the plain.
The endless wall of water surging for her.
The keep stones began shuddering. Rowan threw out a hand to brace himself, fear like nothing he had known ripping through him as Aelin lifted her arms above her head.
A pillar of fire shot up around her, lifting her hair with it.
The wave roared and roared for her, for the army behind her.
The shaking in the keep was not from the wave.
It was not from that wall of water at all.
Cracks formed in the earth, splintering across it. Spiderwebbing from Aelin.
"The hot springs," Chaol breathed. "The valley floor is full of veins into the earth itself."
Into the burning heart of the world.
The keep shook, more violently this time.
The pillar of fire sucked back into Aelin.
She held out a hand before her, her fist closed.
As if it would halt the wave in its tracks.
He knew then. Either as her mate or carranam, he knew.
"Three months," Rowan breathed.
The others stilled.
"Three months," he said again, his knees wobbling. "She's been making the descent into her power for three months."
Every day she had been with Maeve, bound in iron, she had gone deeper. And she had not tapped too far into that power since they'd freed her because she had kept making the plunge.
To gather up the full might of her magic.
Not for the Lock, not for Erawan.
But for Maeve's death blow.
A few weeks of descent had taken her powers to devastating levels. Three months of it
…
Holy gods. Holy rutting gods.
And when her fire hit the wall of water now towering over her, when they collided —
"GET DOWN!" Rowan bellowed, over the screaming waters. "GET DOWN NOW!"
His companions dropped to the stones, any within earshot doing the same.
Rowan plummeted into his power. Plummeted into it fast and hard, ripping out any remaining shred of magic.
Elide and Lorcan were still too far from the gates. Thousands of soldiers were still too far from the gates as the wave crested above them.
As Aelin opened her hand toward it.
Fire erupted.
Cobalt fire. The raging soul of a flame.
A tidal wave of it.
Taller than the raging waters, it blasted from her, flaring wide.
The wave slammed into it. And where water met a wall of fire, where a thousand years of confinement met three months of it, the world exploded.
Blistering steam, capable of melting flesh from bone, shot across the plain.
With a roar, Rowan threw all that remained of his magic toward the onslaught of steam, a wall of wind that shoved it toward the lake, the mountains.
Still the waters came, breaking against the flames that did not so much as yield an inch.
Maeve's death blow. Spent here, to save the army that might mean Terrasen's salvation. To spare the lives on the plain.
Rowan gritted his teeth, panting against his fraying power. A burnout lurked, deadly close.
The raging wave threw itself over and over and over into the wall of flame.
Rowan didn't see if Elide and Lorcan made it into the keep. If the other soldiers and riders on the plain stopped to gape.
Princess Hasar said, rising beside him, "That power is no blessing."
"Tell that to your soldiers," Fenrys snarled, standing, too.
"I did not mean it that way," Hasar snipped, and awe was indeed stark on her face.
Rowan leaned against the battlements, panting hard as he fought to keep the lethal steam from flowing toward the army. As he cooled and sent it whisking away.
Solid hands slid under his arms, and then Fenrys and Gavriel were there, propping him up between them.
A minute passed. Then another.
The wave began to lower. Still the fire burned.
Rowan's head pounded, his mouth going dry.
Time slipped from him. A coppery tang filled his mouth.
The wave lowered farther, raging waters quieting. Then roaring turned to lapping, rapids into eddies.
Until the wall of flame began to lower, too. Tracking the waters down and down and down. Letting them seep into the cracks of the earth.
Rowan's knees buckled, but he held on to his magic long enough for the steam to lessen.
For it, too, to be calmed.
It filled the plain, turning the world into drifting mist. Blocking the view of the queen in its center.
Then silence. Utter silence.
Fire flickered through the mist, blue turning to gold and red. A muted, throbbing glow.
Rowan spat blood onto the battlement stones, his breath like shards of glass in his throat.
The glowing flames shrank, steam rippling past. Until there was only a slim pillar of fire, veiled in the mist-shrouded plain.
Not a pillar of fire.
But Aelin.
Glowing white-hot. As if she had given herself so wholly to the flame that she had become fire herself.
The Fire-Bringer someone whispered down the battlements.
The mist rippled and billowed, casting her into nothing but a glowing effigy.
The silence turned reverent.
A gentle wind from the north swept down. The veil of mist pulled back, and there she was.
She glowed from within. Glowed golden, tendrils of her hair floating on a phantom wind.
"Mala's Heir," Yrene breathed.
Down on the plain, Elide and Lorcan had halted.
The wind pushed away more of the drifting mist, clearing the land beyond Aelin.
And where that mighty, lethal wave had loomed, where death had charged toward them, nothing remained at all.
For three months, she had sung to the darkness and the flame, and they had sung back.
For three months, she had burrowed so deep inside her power that she had plundered undiscovered depths. While Maeve and Cairn had worked on her, she had delved. Never letting them know what she mined, what she gathered to her, day by day by day.
A death blow. One to wipe a dark queen from the earth forever.
She'd kept that power coiled in herself even after she'd been freed from the irons. Had struggled to keep it down these weeks, the strain enormous. Some days, it had been easier to barely speak. Some days, swaggering arrogance had been her key to ignoring it.
Yet when she had seen that wave, when she had seen Elide and Lorcan choosing death together, when she had seen the army that might save Terrasen, she'd known. She'd felt the fire sleeping under this city, and knew they had come here for a reason.
She had come here for this reason.
A river still flowed from the dam, harmless and small, wending toward the lake.
Nothing more.
Aelin lifted a glowing hand before her as blessed, cooling emptiness filled her at last.
Slowly, starting from her fingertips, the glow faded.
As if she were forged anew, forged back into her body.
Back into Aelin.
Clarity, sharp and crystal clear, filled its wake. As if she could see again, breathe again.
Inch by inch, the golden glow faded into skin and bone. Into a woman once more.
Already, a white-tailed hawk launched skyward.
But as the last of the glow faded, disappearing out through her toes, Aelin fell to her knees.
Fell to her knees in the utter silence of the world, and curled onto her side.
She had the vague sense of strong, familiar arms scooping her up. Of being carried onto a broad feathery back, still in those arms.
Of soaring through the skies, the last of the mist rippling away into the afternoon sun.
And then sweet darkness.
#Chapter 61#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Lorcan Salvaterre#Elide Lochan#Elorcan#Aelin Galathynius#Chaol Westfall#Rowan Whitethorn#Fenrys Moonbeam#Gavriel#First Read along with me NO SPOILERS PLEASE though warning for post & tags up to KoA 61 & more reacts/notes/quotes in tags below#Agony was in his very blood-Summons-She had come for him-Let go.No.Always?-She came this far-THANK YOU ELIDE-The voice of Perranth#My lady-Together till the end-if only the horse could Fly-A prayer-Made himself watch-But Aelin-hell yes-So he might tell the story#Not forgotten-For her friends-To get Aelin-Where was she?MY HEART-The shaking was her-The springs-He knew-Three months#Every single day-But for Maeve’s meant for Maeve-she knew he’d know-his power the counteracting-GET FUCKING DOWN-She had not given up#A thousand years for here months endured & one moment-Spent here-To save them-Burnout or Blessing-UTTER Awe-A miracle#A curse to enemies-All of them really-she drained the bank & there he was-THE FIRE BRINGER-glowing blinding white out for the world#she became the flame-Master of death-heir of Fire-Nothing remained-That’s what was eating her alive-Its grief but more-she was still—#capturing flame-She didnt want2lose it either-It was all of it-But also Aelin had a plan-be glad4it-They would save them she didnt need it#Back to Aelin-She began fighting-Quiet-Fell to what he knows-Sweet darkness-the power dive#No.#You know it’s bad when Rowan’s prayingWhen even Yrene is praying but not save to give peace&painless ends but Aelin’s off to save the day#Not for the Lock not for Erawan. But for Maeve's death blow. & now to save Elide; Marion would be proud#the way he’s thinking about I’ve gotta get Aelin out of here#Into the burning heart of the world. — the world shuddered#Aelin I am a god Galathynius-The raging soul of a flame-thats her-shed made the final descent right then for Elide-Rowan plummeted for her#Spent here to save the army that might mean Terrasens salvation-not2kill2spareNoblessinNocurseMiracleWomanA war won-friends held him up#One hell of a rumor-Gentle from the north-Malas Heir-she had sung to the darkness&flame&they had sung backthe same story#GETDOWN.Back into Aelin he was there there how did he get there so fast?sweet darkness 1 last time
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depicted: the calmest most patient fandom out there
#the heart killers#one fic away from the first hundred‚ months before the series even aired#I love it here#between the ficwriters writing thousands of words and the video editors making use of the same 2:53 minutes of footage every week#+ the teaser images from the set#I sometimes feel like this fandom is a caged beast living off rations#and I can't wait to see the things it will do when it is set free#(lots more of these I hope)
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no pressure but i would read a thousand full length novels of ur hawkmetri fics. soo
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/dfc136726dbfe0cf0e58ccf13323a72d/48b803fad1fa4b11-af/s540x810/bf8814d26af6a6aa10276bf48ebd929b71b21ca4.jpg)
stop anon you're making me blush
(you're def not ready for what i've been cooking)
#3 down i guess a thousand to go!#compliments to my writing make me want to launch myself into space fr#in the best way!!!!#it means so so much to me that anyone reads any of my fics and likes them#this fic i've been working on is like my baby#i said it was gonna be less than 10k and now it's 25k and it's still not done#the angst is angsting with this one trust me#i may even crank it up ten notches#but it's one of the aus i've posted a snippet of#VERY excited to finally finish and share it#hoping to finish by the end of the month!!!#and then perhaps i'll post what i have of the tatbilb au but it's just meh okay to me#binary boyfriends#hawkmetri#elimetri#hawk x demetri#eli x demetri#eli moskowitz#demetri alexopoulos#cobra kai#cobra kai fanfiction#ck#my writing
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I rewatched the recording I made of rye talking to solas for the last time before the big betrayal ('words of the dread wolf'), and it made me have to sit with my face in my hands for a while over the fact that like... rye did everything right, especially by the ideals of the mourn watch when it comes to interacting with spirits. he's cautious but not disrespectful, he gives gratitude and credit and even some companionable banter where it's due, he's willing to hear solas' point of view out even if he doesn't necessarily buy what he's selling, he stays on his guard the whole time but is honest and fair in his dealings with him as far as possible. and it doesn't matter one fucking bit!!! you can make no mistakes, commit no sins, and still fail, still be at the mercy of a lack of mercy and pure callous circumstance!!!!! this catastrophe is coming for you no matter what. there is no perfect thing you could have done, no exact right thing for you to say, no amount of careful or clever you could have been that could have outtricked these circumstances or would have saved you or anyone else. (nothing you could do to save varric either, but you don't know about that yet. it's just that awful feeling in the back of your mind you keep shying away from like it burns you.)
that's... such a painful but important lesson to have to learn in some ways, I think. both forgiving yourself for what you couldn't know until you did, what you couldn't do and never could have done (should never have been made to face, in a better kinder world), and having to accept the shattered illusion of perfect control and safety ever becoming achievable -- if only I do everything right, everything will be okay. and if things aren't okay, that's because I did something wrong and if I were better the bad thing wouldn't have happened; the logic and grief and desperation to hold on to goodness of a child. the logic solas is unable to let go of from the moment he took physical form and to this day (for all his age and experience I can fix this, I can still fix this is the helpless cry of a child, just one dangerously amplified by near-divine levels of power and a very clever mind), and that rook has to learn to let go of or else drown. the examination of that central question of like... you can act with the best of intentions in this world and with as much information as possible and there will still be unforeseen consequences. bad things will still happen. sometimes it won't even be anyone's fault, no one ever meant for it to happen like that. but it did. it did. how will you live with that? in this game is so GOOD. what a theme
#it makes me so angry on rye's behalf at solas. you *asshole*! you fucking bastard! all these hands reaching out to you honestly#and this is what you do?? THIS is what you choose to do to him after killing one of the most important people in his life????#and deliberately magically gaslighting him about it for MONTHS? oh. fade jail for solas. fade jail for solas for ten thousand years#you bit the hand that reached out to you with good intentions and when it comes back it's going to be holding a knife lol#so interesting to see the way the two of them are very similar in some ways (and then the ways they aren't)#solas fills me with equal amounts of horrified compassion and righteous rage and this is the wrath side of the coin lol#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#solas#Dynamic: That my keen knife see not the wound it makes#also something this line of thinking uncovered for me personally something like...#as the subtype of autistic where something deep inside me is convinced that if only I find exactly the right words#if only I paint what I'm feeling in words until I reach photorealistic clarity -- explain myself *perfectly* in every nuance#THEN I will finally be *understood* because it just doesn't seem to happen naturally ever. so that's all on me. if only I was good enough#connection would finally happen if I could just do all the steps *right*#and having to face that it doesn't really work like that. you can try but it's not actually in your control.#and also not always your responsibility either past a certain point.#...sobering. terrible news. and slightly liberating#also don't even try with people who're in the solas position here b/c he's not actually listening. or if he is listening it's not to you
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Dude why is it acceptable to say “I’m a libra” (or whatever other star sign) but not “I’m autistic”???? Sis why are you more okay with the month I was born being an excuse than the LITERAL STRUCTURE OF MY BRAIN!?!?!??
#I’m not even a libra#that’s just the random one I chose for the sake of explaining#like do you know the odds of coming into existence???#children are literally miracles simply due to the probability that they WON’T be born#there are milions of sperm and thousands of eggs and YOU were created because of one very specific very coincidental combination#and THAT is the system that you trust??#a miracle of chance????#the day/month I was born has NOTHING to do with who I am#I forged my own path#katiesays#autistic#autism#asd#audhd#actually autistic#actually audhd
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Since we didn’t get a proper HenBuck scene about him discovering his bisexuality, I think we all deserve a nice scene post-BT breakup where the two of them talk about how much of an ass T is. Buck trying to apologize because he didn’t see it sooner, but Hen’s just keeps saying he got there in the end and that’s what matters. HenBuck are always adorable, I must have more of the sibling energy from them!!!
And it’s actually so criminal that we didn’t get a scene with the two of them talking about Buck coming out (although I’ll forgive it if it’s because Hen couldn’t bring herself to support a relationship between her surrogate little brother and That Man, and she didn’t want to lie to Buck, especially about his first queer relationship). I don’t think Hen would want to interfere in anyone’s relationship, but especially a relationship that is a new beginning for Buck and his identity. She’s a lil nosy, but she also cares so much about her people, and the fact that we don’t have a scene where she explicitly tells Buck that she’s proud/happy for him discovering more about himself is so loud, especially given that she’s the only other canonical queer member of the 118 firefam. She would just trust that Buck could figure things out on his own - after all, she’s the one who’s believed in him probably the longest at the 118. That’s her little brother, guys, I refuse to believe that the Henren scene in the hospital was the most reaction we’ll get from Hen about Buck’s newfound bisexuality.
#HenBuck#the way it’s been 3 months in-universe and crickets KILLS me#they might just be my favorite platonic relationship of the core 5 at the 118 hmm#hen wilson#henrietta wilson#bisexual evan buckley#evan buckley#anti tommy kinard#anti bt#anti tevan#anti bucktommy#anti bummy#karen wilson#911#9-1-1#911 abc#9-1-1 abc#I was literally more excited about a HenBuck scene about Buck’s bisexuality than a BuckBobby scene if you can believe that#and I was VERY excited for that#hen is absolutely the type of friend who feels the joy of her friends very deeply and I wish we could have 10 thousand scenes of these two#just being happy and queer and maybe even buck excitedly telling her everything he’s been finding out the queer community and hen’s like#oh yeah but did you know THIS?? and buck down yet another rabbit hole#i need them#😭😭😭#give me another HenBuck scene or give me death
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I can't wait for this to come back!!! >>> when is this coming back?
#seriously there has been such an uptick recently in people asking me about my hiatus#I KEPT GETTING SICK#FOR NO REASON#BECAUSE OF OVERWORK...#like literally without exaggeration once a month minimum knocked flat on my ass for multiple days#and mysteriously since being on hiatus hmmmm#it hasnt been happening hmmmmmm#almost like making LIKE 50 PAGES A MONTH#is a little too much work!#for anyone!#no amount of time saving texhniques makes that less work#and I'm trying to make it a satisfying conclusion#which takes more time#and I'm trying to write as much as possible before coming back#as much as webtoon will let me#because twice now ive had to write and produce episodes week to week#and it absolutely destroys the quality of the arc#in my opinion#it at least makes me less satisfied#and whats the fucking point of spending thousands of hours on something#if im being forced into a schedule that. when i get to the end. im not even satisfied with what ive done.#so seriously like please#I'm trying to be as transparent as i can possibly be without outright spoiling everything im writing#its good#it's fun#it will take time to be those things the rest of the way through#ive finished three episodes and I'm halfway through two more#i have 13 episodes thumbnailed#and i have 22 more episodes to write and thumbnail#because webtoon said i need to make it fit exactly into that space
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Do y'all think when Peeta came back from the Capitol he was partially looking at Katniss in the manner he was when he saw her in such a disheveled state after the war partially because after an intense amount of therapy and prepping to live as her neighbor again, he was just standing there like "I was scared of THIS??"
#like could you imagine being hijacked to believe this girl is an immensely dangerous creature engineered specifically to kill thousands#and youve spent MONTHS completely convinced of this as 100% solid facts#and then after probably a year?? of intense therapy#you prep to return to your hometown#which is almost nothing#you're probably a little nervous to see her again because even though you're better there's obviously gonna be some PTSD there still#only to be met with this tiny girl who is an absolute M E S S#and is probably terrified of her own shadow#like obviously he was concerned for her and wanted to make sure she was okay but you cant tell me there wasnt some small part of him#that was like “this is a child”#mans was probably low key impressed with how they managed to pull off the terrifying angle after that tbh#peeta mellark#katniss and peeta#the hunger games peeta#thg series#thg#katniss everdeen#thg katniss#the hunger games#the hunger games katniss#hijacked
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