#that way i wouldnt have to worry about this bullshit world | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

expired-blueberries · 6 months ago

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wrt that post- in it you brought up the point that OS Kevin 11k was the point he was farthest gone, and I LOVE that, but thinking about what he must've gone through to get to that point... oh, god. (this isn't like an entire point or anything lmfao i just had to bring it up bc it drives me insane)

anyway, knowing what we know/assume of kevins life, assuming that his "parents" are rooters... it honestly brings to mind the question of if he would even WANT to reconnect with his birth family... like, especially however long hes been gone from them (in my mind, him being gone from them for even longer would be good because it would erase any prior memories he has of them, like, say, if he was taken as a baby, then of course he would know hes had his powers since he was a baby but wouldnt know what his birth parents look like), that would be sure to make it hard to go back, for a multitude of reasons. they couldve moved, something couldve happened to him since he was gone... or, the one i think he would be MOST afraid of... they arent good people. sure, they arent rooters, but what if theyre bad people? what if by reconnecting with them he would just be jumping back into the fire? offering himself up as the proverbial golden goose? a sheep to the wolves? even if, say, he has GOOD memories of them, has only been apart from them for a few years, i almost venture to think he might be wary to reconnect just because his trust in, well... EVERYTHING would be completely shattered. of course, that could also be the REASON he would want to reconnect, since if he remembers them being good people then he would be desperate to surround himself with them, surround himself with whats REAL. but either way, i think the fear would be there. i think he would think he has to do it alone, while simultaneously needing someone to be there with him. (i think it would have to be ben - gwen is a great girl to bring home to your parents, but she isnt the most reassuring person in the world one on one. she would probably ring the doorbell before he even had a chance to collect his nerves).

as for kevins mom... while great that kevin could at least unlock her memories with ease and not have to worry about her believing him or having to convince her... for her, specifically, what a fuckin hellacious thing to deal with. like, she GRIEVED HER HUSBAND, she MARRIED A PIECE OF SHIT GUY (and ill ignore every wog statement saying that she got with him before devin died idgaf lol) AFTER HE DIED, her SON got RUN OUT OF HIS HOME BY HIM (and also maybe her, maybe,)... and it was all for what? so that her son could be tortured, used, abused, treated more like cattle than human. though it wasnt something, im sure, she could have prevented, being only human and without knowledge of those plans or access to any tech which could prevent it from happening, i feel like she would HAVE to blame herself. its not her fault, but what emotions would she even have left? 17 years of life down the gutter, and all she was was a forgettable rook on the board. even if she doesnt blame herself, just the fact that she would have to come to terms with her life being so severely and majorly fucked with... if she finds herself turning to a vice or twenty, though i would worry for her, i certainly couldnt blame her for it. and, too, if harvey were a rooter and she werent, learning that she MARRIED one of her sons tormentors.... woof. get the woman a drink.

(max's history with his partners is so insane to me in a good way. he has an AWFUL track record with partners. phil, victor, devin.... phil, it seems he either wasnt aware of being a piece of shit back when they originally worked together or it wasnt as bad and maybe max even worked with him in the bullshit a few times, because, frankly, max isnt an angel as we well know, and though i hate to say he would do something awful... well, he was more-or-less an absent father to his own children and seemingly wilfully stayed away from helping his dead partners son, so the shoe might fit. and while max might have grown as a person somewhat after the plumbers disbanded, the bar was pretty low. and then, you have victor, who... stole the nanochips. not the worst offense i guess (ignoring the catastrophe that couldve been unleashed on the world and even universe had the swarm grown more), but max did personally train him, so, uh..... and then devin, who didnt do anything wrong but also died in the line of action. seems like if you want to survive as a plumber, your best bet is to do things wrong - and, if i may be so bold, i would venture thats the truth. remember the boot camp uaf episode, where ben was awarded a medal and good grades for constantly ignoring the rules and his instructor? compare that to his partner/friend, tack, who nearly had his arm taken off by a bomb if ben hadnt saved him? if you want to be good and be a plumber, i guess you wont live long. this topic kind of went off on a splinter route for me lmfao but original point: max is fucking awful at keeping partners lmfao mr. commitment-phobic over here. i cant remember if it was said whether he trained driscoll or not, too, but damn... can you imagine lmfao)

back to the original point of the convo... well, at least one that we mentioned in the original point; i feel especially that argit's going back to the general street rat way he was, in color of monkey and also in the future when hes a corrupt politician... i dont know, it seems like they dont know how to write neutral-leaning-good characters. either theyre good or theyre bad. by the time argit was the president of the world (still a weird choice in my eyes but whatever), he should have fully been comfortable with being good and kind and all that stuff. he even knows kenny well enough for kenny to call him UNCLE ARGIT and give him a hug when they see each other!!! hes close to the tennysons!!! its just... weird choices. if ben doesnt like argit, which it seems he doesnt in the future, why does argit know his kid? what?

"We don't even know how much of Kevin over the course of UAF and OV is actually Kevin" - damn thats fucking chilling. who IS kevin when he isnt being manipulated and puppeted around? who IS kevin when hes free to be himself, all the good, all the bad, all the undeniably HIM that he wants to be? i dont think cannon or wog would ever say that kevin wasnt his authentic self (as much as he could be) during the series, because that would just leave too much unanswered and then they would have to spend time on him and not on ben, the main character of the ben show, but god... can you imagine? at the start of ov, he left bellwood. by the end of ov, i can see him leaving friedkin, just so he can really go and find himself. for a while, being around ANY tennyson might create some complicated feelings for him. but no! we dont see it! we dont see any lingering effects! kevin is still kevin, just kevin who is, i guess, free of brainwashing! dont think about how he still becomes 11k! dont think about how even after all of this, this STILL isnt the end of the bullshit for him! dont think about how kevin is, without a doubt, the most favoritest and specialest little punching bag wog has!! dont!!!

Annoying thing with the Rooters arc is that we never do find out what the fuck the Rooters had planned in the long run. Because the first-and-foremost matter is destroying Ben, yes, but Servantis may as well be holding up a big glowing neon sign saying "this is step three in a greater, larger plan". He grabs Kevin in the first episode of the arc and is talking about using him to make more amalgams, when discussing Kevin seemingly coming back into the fold he describes him as 'coming along nicely' like this is just a step in his training, when he sends the kids out after him in the flashback he refers to the Rooters 'subtle manipulations' and how Ben can't fuck them up, he's literally forming a group of hybrid child soldiers as if he couldn't just snipe the fucking 10-yo as he walks out of his elementary school, or fucking recruit him like the Plumbers already end up doing.

This is not shit you get from someone whose entire deal is 'this one child is too dangerous to live'! You don't see 'child has superweapon' and go 'well then I'll have to transform myself, my staff, and a host of children into hybrids through painful experiments and then train and damn near mindcontrol the children into going and killing the kid'. You don't talk about plans for making more, you don't talk like when the chips are down the big problem is the kid might get in your way, or like the kids you've sent out to kill him are still in training.

These fuckers had Intentions and Plots and they got completely dismantled before we could get an actual answer on what they were longterm.

#ben 10

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ima-ghost-art · 2 years ago

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You know what? More steve getting vecnad let's go!

I want steve to be vecnad and I want him to be tired of everything that has happened in his life. From everything that started after 83, from being neglected and hated by his parents, from having only had shitty toxic freinds most of his life, for falling in love so easy only to have the people he loves and trys to care for call it all, them, him bullshit, to have risked his life multiple times to save his kids only for them to look over or down play his achievements and injuries!!

I want steve to be so so tired of trying, never having a chance for a rest because he's constantly waiting for the next thing to go wrong. And Vecna? Vecna is the first person to offer him that rest. Vecna turns to steve and offers him a break, telling him that if he joined him, he wouldnt ever have to feel tired again.

That this exhausting existence he is forced to live wouldnt have to hurt him anymore. He wouldnt need to worry about helping others, wouldnt need to fear he wasnt enough, wouldnt have to continue being the one getting beaten up year after year after year only to be overlooked by the people see called friends, the people he saw as family. That steve could finally be given Peace.

I want steve to consider it.

I want steve to want it so so bad.

It's not like he could escape any way, theres no music playing, his friends didnt even know his favourite song, and vecna tells him that. That they cant even bother to find it, let alone remember it!

Steve knows it's not true, it CAN'T be! His friends would be fighting for him, they had too... Wouldnt they? But Vecna sounds so real, and hes just so tired, tired of fighting, of running. He just wants peace...

"You promise?" His voice is barely a whisper, hes terrified, but the offer sounds too good to be true.

"Of course." Vecnas face twisted into what one could only believe to be the closest thing to a sincere but sinister smile.

Steve stared at vecna, trying to read the monsters eyes for any hint of a lie, while tears steamed down his cheeks. He nods the best he can around the vine that has pinned him by his neck against the wall. He was so tired.

Vecna grinned, his slimy hand moving towards Steve's face, a elongated coming up to stroke the tears from his cheek,"Dont cry steve, it's time for yo-"

"STEVE!"

his words are cut off by a scream, and the sudden unmistakable sound of the opening to "every body wants to rule the world" playing faintly around them.

El looks as exhausted as steve felt, blood dripping down her chin, as she made her way to vecna a second time. She knew what she was doing this time however, and she was going to save Steve. There was a portal behind her, not big, but big enough to see the whole party gathered around Steve's body.

Hopper was standing directly below, arms braced ready to catch steve when her fell. Joyce was holding into will and Jonathan as they were knelt by a kiddy pool with el floating in it. Max along with dustin held desperately onto her Walkman. Lucas and erica was holding onto Robin who was shaking, she was on the ground like her legs had given out on her. Eddie, Nancy and Argyle were not there, but with how mike was frantically yelling into his walkie talkie, steve had a guess at where they were/ going.

Everyone was crying, even hopper-

And they were trying to save him!?

"Steve you need to fight! Please- do not give up!!" El was crying, she had seen vecna take max, she wasnt going to watch that happen again. Not to steve, he cared about them too much to go out this way, especially when they hadn't shown him how much they appreciated him yet.

"So- tired. I'm so tired El, I cant" Steve sounded so broken, El had never seen him like this before, not even as she faced him memories to find him here. He was always so strong for them, but now he was barely holding on and vecnas had was right over his face-

His arm snapped

"YOU CAN! Please Steve!! We cant lose you, you make sure we are all okay! You look after us! You make us happy! You would alway bring me icecream on fridays after you work, or call me and will to tell us new movies!" She was crying hard, as she used her powers to send vecna flying backwards before running to where steve had fallen to the floor.

They didnt have long, steve needed to run now before vecna could get up, but he was still so tired. He looked up at El, the girl looked so scared, she had almost watched him die for christ's sake!? "El, I'm so-"

She silenced him as she pulled him up and holding onto him tight, god she was still so young. Her gaze was hard as she glared as vecna who was fully standing now. She let Steve go as she raised her left arm towards the monster... "no need for sorry steve." Her words left no room for argument, "we love you so we came to save you."

Steve wanted to weep, it had been to long since someone had to him they loved him and ment it. And sure, he was still, tired, still longed for rest. But he realised that he couldn't just give up now. Finally, people were fighting for him, and he was going to make sure he kept fighting so they didnt loose.

So he ran, not looking back as he hears the monster and el scream- the familiar words of his favourite song pushing him forwards as he held onto his mangled arm. Sliding and dodging rocks as they fell from the sky, getting closer and closer to the portal. He could see his freinds, all so terrified on the other side.

Things were not going to be easy, that was for certain. But life wasnt ment to be easy, and not for the first time after he asked vecna if what he was offering was true, he realised just how much he wanted to live right as he jumped through the portal. Because he really did want to live.

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telaraneas · 3 years ago

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you know a while back i reblogged a post about vriska and dirk hanging out and i think i said something in the tags about how they probably wouldnt like each other much but would be friends anyways out of a mutual "we are both terrible people" thing

well today i had the realization i was 100% wrong because actually i think they would REALLY, REALLY piss each other off to the degree its probably a good thing that they only existed onscreen at the same time for like 5 seconds skdnqkdnsk

like, their respective ways of dealing with their terrible behavioral tendencies and the self loathing that results from it are complete opposites from each other. best exemplified in how they deal with encountering alternate versions of themselves that force them to face the things they hate about themselves

like, with how absolutely VICIOUS vriska is to (vriska), it's easy to feel bad for (vriska) and angry at vriska and as such buy into thinking of them as separate people, but heres the thing.... they're kind of not?? as in, the Entire Reason vriska was ripping into (vriska) so horridly is because she represents everything vriska DOESN'T want to acknowledge about herself.

like, really the ONLY difference between vriska and (vriska) is that (vriska) failed repeatedly, witnessed someone ELSE pulling a Classic Serket Overconfident Terrible Move, and had enough time where she DIDNT have to worry about powergaming and manipulating others to Fucking Survive to actually start thinking about herself. THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL IT TOOK TO MAKE HER A MORE VULNERABLE AND FRAGILE PERSON, BECAUSE *SHE WAS ALWAYS LIKE THAT* UNDER ALL THE BULLSHIT

(vriska) admitting to meenah that she's terrified, that she doesn't want to be alone, that she NEEDS someone's approval, is stuff that was ALWAYS sitting at the core of vriska's character, this is who she has been ever since she was a little girl in a terrible situation. her time with meenah didn't change her, all it did was make her JUST vulnerable and open enough that all of this stuff came floating to the surface at the slightest prodding

and vriska CANNOT FUCKING STAND THAT

so she distances herself from her alternate self as hard as humanly possible. she rips into her and swears up and down that she could NEVER have become that person, even though LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON SHE DIDN'T IS BECAUSE SOMEONE *ELSE* SAVED HER FROM HERSELF. she makes herself out to be the big Better Vriska Who Learned when in fact she hasn't changed a single bit, the only thing that happened is that the world needed someone exactly as inmutably, relentlessly *vriska* as her around, and so the world rewrote itself to accomodate for her.

despite her confident and bold claims to the contrary, everyone else's accounts of her time on the meteor reveal that the vriska at the end of homestuck is basically exactly the same as the vriska we first meet, exactly as hurt and scared and prone to terrible life choices and incapable of self-reflection; it was everyone ELSE who changed and improved and succeeded and helped her point her unstoppable force towards an actual constructive goal.

but vriska CAN'T acknowledge this, she CAN'T stop and take a good hard look at herself, the most she can do is acknowledge the impact the help of her peers has had on her and even THAT is a big accomplishment for vriska. when she verbally eviscerates (vriska), it's an absolute expression of violent self-hatred to a horrible degree, but the whole REASON she's doing it is to convince herself that she's NOTHING like that person in front of her that is everything she hates about herself- she's NOTHING like that miserable wreck! the fact that she has NEVER been more brutal to anyone else is totally just because of how disgustingly lame this sadsack is!

it's frankly depressing how far vriska will go to avoid cognitive dissonance, or even worse, Honest Self Reflection In More Than Microdoses, because it would require her to admit how unhappy she is with the person she cannot help but being

by contrast:

literally two scenes before The Vriska Emotional Self Harm Horrorshow, you've got dirk openly saying that one of things he's had to accept throughout the story is that the various different fragments of him ARE just himself, reflecting his horrible worst tendencies back at him, in an endless feedback loop of emotional self-harm

because really, much like vriska, dirk never actually escapes his own hubris and hangups, or get to a place where he knows how to stop them from hurting everyone he cares about- this isn't to say he never WILL, he had a lot fewer concrete chances to improve than the amount vriska had and wasted, and his conversations with dave at the end do imply he's genuinely on the path to becoming a better person. but as it stands, within the confines of homestuck itself (...note i havent yet read the epilogues or sequel), dirk never really gets to a point where he's definitively No Longer kind of a horrible manipulative painfully lonely disaster; but the difference, and the reason why it's very heavily implied he WON'T just stay like that from here on out, is that dirk KNOWS this about himself, and acknowledges it.

in fact, this may very well be one of his flaws- that because he Knows he's kind of an abrasive toxic presence, he sometimes seems to just resign himself to it, or just try to avoid hurting others by hiding away behind a billion masks and splinters to avoid affecting others directly (case in point, iirc dirk and jake NEVER ONCE HAVE ACTUAL TWO-WAY ON-SCREEN DIALOGUE IN ALL OF HOMESTUCK, which strikes me as very deliberate!!); but this doesn't work because, again, dirk's nature is that every single expression of himself IS authentically him, so AR and brobot and Brain Ghost Dirk and everything he's ever given others intentionally or not is, itself, an expression of dirk's own will and worst nature.

it's by finally acknowledging this fact, and by accepting it instead of turning away from it, taking responsibility for the person he fundamentally is, that dirk can start the process of seriously examining himself, and why his story ends on a positive note of growth that vriska's story lacks.

the bottom line is that when confronted with a version of themselves that they, by their own respective standards, consider to be A Horrible Person, dirk nods and meditates on how he would have gotten there and how he feels about the situation, which best enables him to actually DEAL with the problems he has and make a conscious effort to take all of that into consideration when choosing the kind of person he WANTS to be, here and now; in fact, he takes into account not only the bad, but also what good there is to find (he comments on how Bro's AI hobbies sound way more relaxing and healthy than the AI pseudo-digital-self-harm fuckery he got up to)

while vriska does the exact OPPOSITE, refusing to acknowledge that the flaws she sees in (vriska) are exactly the same flaws she HAS and continues to carry with her, and in the process also degrading the POSITIVE developments (vriska) has had in the time she had to learn to stop hogging the spotlight and learn to take it easy, even if it was still a struggle for her.

so.... i think they would absolutely not get along with each other at all, yeah. they have extremely opposite philosophies and ways of dealing with their problems

(i had more stuff to say esp with how AR fits into this, because really dirk's closest analogue to what (vriska) is to vriska isn't Bro, it's AR- a 13 year old version of him who grew to become someone very different than who he, now 16, is, but who is still at his core the same person, and how this is what drives dirk's negative reaction to AR the samr way it drives vriska's reaction to (vriska), but i ran out of steam on this post oops.... will make another big post abt that another time, likely...)

#homestuck #vriska serket #dirk strider #sushi original

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iridescentides · 3 years ago

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i watched the ep twice bc i didnt take notes the first time BUT. hsmtmts 2.04 thoughts under the cut

gina first. my favorite part of the episode was when she admitted that she feels out of place living in someone else’s house and that she wanted a bigger part in the play. i was SO worried they were gonna just let her happily sideline herself in a “yay she learned her lesson about not being the center of attention” kind of way bc i would not be able to handle that two seasons in a row. let her be angry!!! she has a lot to be upset about

the gina/carlos conflict was awful bc theyre making carlos unreasonably annoying this season. last season he was nice, he was enthusiastic, not competitive and just rooting for other people. idk why they needed to flip him so drastically to being spoiled, rich, selfish, pushy, and bitchy. and on top of that i have not been vibing with the pieces of dialogue theyve been giving him this season just to score woke points. its so unbearably obvious that even though hes a brown gay character, he was written by a white gay person who thought, on some level, that he was giving the gen z kids the #hashtag representation they wanted. his delivery of every line that screams “remember, im mexican” is so awkward, it doesnt land well, and im begging them to stop. they want so badly to commodify his character and parade him around as a “look how diverse our show is!” thing and im so so sick of it bc you can tell, with all the surface-level pieces of dialogue, that they dont actually care at all

(”look around, theres not a lot of me at this school” we GET it, this show wants to be glee so bad)

im honestly starting to slowly ship rina less and less. in season one i loved seeing someone make gina happy, especially since she had no friends before opening up to ricky. but now its just a whole mess and i wish she would love herself a lil more to realize that its not worth all this stress. he made a choice and no amount of conflicted moments of eye contact is going to fully take that back. im not necessarily against love triangle plots, but i HATE the whole “women wait around hopefully while male character, whose decisions have already hurt multiple people, makes up his mind” bullshit

that being said, gina handled the situation like a CHAMP, im dying over how quickly she was able to mask her pain and make the joke about the twix bar. im love her

we were absolutely ROBBED of an ej/big red performance this episode!!! i am at my LIMIT we better get gaston next week or i will riot

on the ej train, him not getting into duke was extremely predictable. we all kinda saw that coming and knew that would be his main point of growth this season. im glad they didnt wait super long to do it. now please @ writers i am BEGGING you to give my man more screen time than one scene per episode

its very odd that they keep making mr mazzara have emotionally tough conversations with the students. i will do a parallel gifset of those once the season ends. i liked his convo with ej for the most part, but he really didnt have to beat him over the head with the “youre an emotionless robot” thing again. its clear ej is gonna throw himself into av club or whatever (even though at the end of last season that was supposed to be big red?) and discover that he has a lot going for him. because he does, he literally has everything going for him, thats why they had to make his “problem” not knowing himself. bisexual ej caswell ftw

i love the parallels between ej and nini this episode? i think since the beginning ive felt that there was a lot about them under the surface that was similar. it was interesting seeing ej tell nini about duke first, instead of the obvious choice of ashlyn. i wouldve loved to see how that scene wouldve gone with ricky, gina, carlos, or big red though bc each reaction and attempt at comforting him wouldve been so different. i didnt love that nini had to be pulled away from the conversation, but im glad they can still talk to each other after everything that went down. and i love the juxtaposition of ej’s convo with mazzara directly following nini’s convo with miss jenn bc theyre essentially the same.

speaking of, i loved miss jenn in this episode. her stories are always so funny, but i loved seeing her care so much for nini and guide her, like a teacher. i loved how she pointed out that everyone who loves nini just wants her to be happy

im glad nini is leaving yac bc there was no good way to keep that up honestly. but im pretty annoyed that they were so obvious about it? like, they immediately made it the worst place in the world without exploring it very much. the place is super unrealistic, ive never been to drama school but im sure it wouldnt be like that. no creative arts place for KIDS would be so impossibly limiting. plus the weird bluish coloring in comparison to the nice warm tones of the rest of the show was, again, a dead giveaway. why send her to the school at all if it wasnt even gonna matter?

even though im glad nini left yac, im NOT looking forward to the way miss jenn is about to bend over backwards to put her in the play somehow. she plays obvious favorites and im so annoyed

(sidenote: nini just? decided to leave yac without consulting her parents??? ummm)

granted is a very good song, one of my faves so far

ricky deciding to tell nini he wants her to stay was stupid. what did he think that would accomplish? who in their right mind would drop out of a good school for you?

i loved when nini said yac was missing something, and miss jenn said “ricky” and nini said “you.” that was so so sweet and cute

i think the kourtney/howie thing is gonna grow on me. i hate amatonormativity so im not a big fan of them introducing a whole ass character exclusively so kourtney can have a love interest, but i loved the gesture he made of bringing her the pizzas and her flashcards. i feel like kourtneys love language is acts of service, and she was literally this meme when he did that for her:

i liked seeing ashlyn try to be there emotionally for gina! i want more of them together

overall this episode was okay. not enough songs, and i wish they were spreading out the emotional conversations through the season instead of packing them all into literally one episode, but what we did get was pretty good.

after watching the preview i see that next weeks episode is gonna be about carlos’s party, and i love party episodes. BUT i hope that after that ep we finally get an advancement on the north high stuff! i dont give too many fucks about lily, but i wanna see my son asher angel

#me @ myself every time i write one of these: we GET it youre a gina and ej stan #hsmtmts lb #hsmtmts spoilers #txt #waffle words of wisdom

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fairycosmos · 4 years ago

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i hate grief bc i've wanted to die my whole life and thinking about the person i lost never wanted to make me stay but now that they are the ones who died i'm angry as fuck every day and feel trapped but i know that if it had been me the one to die it would have been ok and i wouldnt even have worried about it/hurting ppl with my death. like every day i do H and get drunk and i dont care about dying you know? but i lost someone and it makes me angry that THEY didnt care. do you get what i mean?

i am really really sorry for your loss. yeah. i know what you mean, at least to an extent. everyone’s grief and suffering is unique to them and the relationship they had with the one who passed, but i can relate so much to being trapped and mad and out of my mind. i think a lot of people can. it seems like so many of us are walking around half disillusioned by this existence and half completely done with it because of the shit we’ve been through. every day i feel a form of anger (most of the time it is cold and numbing) when i think about how my sister died. i have gone round and round in my head about why she did the things she did. because even if it wasn’t fully preventable, it wasn’t cancer or a car crash or anything like that. when i found out what she had in her system. god. i can not explain to you what that moment was like. it fucking choked me. all i remember is i felt my heart beating somewhere in my head, and i was PISSED. i thought i was going to pass out. because it’s like you said - she didn’t care, and that was almost like proof. she went to sleep thinking nothing of anything. mindless. after weeks of lecturing her, after her constant presence in my life, all that time. after years of her fucking around w other drugs and finally finding stability only to slip for less than a month bc of some fucking man, only to lose her entire life to a mistake - it’s inexplicable. i can sit here and write to you about it but i still cant’t fathom it. how she didn’t give a fuck, or she couldn’t see the situation clearly enough to. and now i’m living this forever without her. now i have to take care of my mother alone. now i’ve lost my best friend. and she lost everything. she was a whole person, she would’ve had years left and she deserved to. and the only reason she didn’t is because she couldn’t fuckin accept how much she was worth, how much life was worth so she gambled w death. what i’m saying is i understand that in a way, maybe a selfish way, i don’t know - it almost feels mocking. because we’ll never know if they realize what they’ve done. after she died that’s all i could repeat out loud in the shower. i kept saying: you don’t know what you’ve done. idiot, stupid girl. shit like that. every time i tried to talk to her, it was a lecture. so yeah. it is very very normal to be pissed off and bitter dude. it is not easy or fair to be left behind. it’s all a normal part of grief. losing it entirely is the whole thing because honestly what else can you do.

i could be wrong but. unfortunately i think all of these emotions, in the context of you, stem from the fact that it is easier to care for others than it is to care about yourself. you’re not bothered about yourself dying because you don’t have the same love for yourself that you had for the one who passed. you don’t see yourself as important in that way. i don’t know what happened to make you feel like that. maybe whatever it was lead you to use drugs n alcohol to escape in the first place. maybe you think you not mattering is some sort of universal truth, but it’s not. it’s a belief you constructed either out of pain or as a trauma response that you’ve clung onto so much that you’ve convinced yourself it’s reality. it’s clear you’re going through an insurmountably difficult time, and i know words on a screen aren’t going to change that. i wont pretend to get it first hand. i just want you to know that the same way you wish your friend had realized the worth in their life before it was too late, that same anger born from frustration and sadness - that’s how a lot of people likely feel about you. and i know you don’t care about hurting them w your death because you don’t care about anything. your friend didn’t care, why should you, right? but that’s how the cycle perpetuates. and you’re the one who has to live with this all now, stuck here or not. try to periodically and consciously recognize how fucked up and permanent grief is. you don’t want to be the one to cause it. not really. not when you can see it for what it is and you have the option to prevent it. you are here no matter how much you wish not to be. you do deserve to find substantial peace, stability and good health while you still can. that’s non negotiable. even if it takes a fucking life time getting there.

i completely understand that it is all far easier said than done. that you have to be the one who is willing to reach out for help and to really stick w a plan but. i guess i just hope you know that the option will always be waiting for you when you are willing to seek it out. whether it’s through a hotline, rehab, your doctor, your friends and family, 2 hours without using or drinking. any step in the right direction is commendable. you are absolutely more resilient than you realize. more in general than you realize. you’ve had to deal with so much, just the most unimaginable things, and you’re still here. i know that’s because you feel you have no real choice in the matter, back to being trapped here. but nonetheless you’re making it. you can learn to treat yourself w the same regard that you treated your friend. you can learn to care about what happens to you. you can slowly make a home out of what you currently see as a jail. through talking, through implementing healthier coping mechanisms into your daily life, through building a support system, through confronting and processing how much it hurts, through finding the clarity that comes with progress. all the things your brain wants you to write off. addiction and mental illness are genuine health concerns that require long lasting therapy and treatment just like any other ailment. and maybe the point is to learn to live with them, rather than to cure them entirely. but they are not a death sentence (and that is a good thing), and they are not the entirety of you. you are just currently very overwhelmed by them, understandably so. excuse me if this is all sounds like naïve bullshit, but maybe some day you will be able to take some of it on board if you can’t right now. anyway, it sounds cliche as fuck, but every day that you’re alive you’re keeping your friend’s influence on this world alive too. you were shaped by them, in more ways than you realize. and they’re here in more ways than we realize too. not necessarily ghosts, at least imo. but just around. and in your head, in the universe. i am rooting for you so much and i hope you can accept that even if it all feels like lies, it’s ok to treat yourself w kindness. any attempt is good enough. sending a lot of love your way. please take care of yourself as much as possible. please consider your needs and your well being while you still have the choice to. sorry to go all 90s drug prevention ad on you btw, but u know me. i’m incapable of shutting up and minding my business abt this sort of thing lol

#tw drugs #tw addiction #tw death #tw overdose #tw suicide #anon

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kewltie · 5 years ago

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omfgggg pregnant!deku. imagine where no. 1 hero is not only an omega but is pregnant and it's still early in his first trimester so he's running around kicking ass but IT'S DEKU so ppl frets and worry over his safety that even villains r like uh i dont wanna mess w/ that. deku is like ridiculously popular & well like even among criminal bc he believes in 2nd chances & rehab of the criminals/villains & fight for disenfranchised youths who fell on the wrong side of the track. so yea, they fight against him but they're also kinda soft for him!!!

so when they found out their fav hero is pregnant & still patrolling there's like some super-secret nonverbal agree among them that they won't stop doing what they are doing but like,,,, nobody fucking touch deku ok or you'll deader than dead. which is ALL KIND OF HILARIOUS bc deku coming to a bank robbery & the criminals doesnt stop their crime but when they fight him, they're like super careful w/ him making sure he doesn't get knock back, fall, or hurt himself too much.

when deku finally captured them and as they're about to taken away, they happily congratulated him on his pregnancy & ask if he'd thought of names yet & one of them is like, "oh, when my husband was pregnant eating X & Y really help with the nausea." and izuku is like,,, thanks???

there's like so many ppl invested in deku's pregnancy that it bizarre bc he's not the first or the last omega to ever be pregnant but he's deku, prohero, no.1 rank, and symbol of hope. all that means is there's a hyper fixation on everything about him esp now that he's pregnant. talk shows, news channel, & celeb gossip show are all talking about it one way or another. whether he's should take an early leave of work or not bc of the danger of his job, the baby's sex, his pregnancy craving, bump watch (I KNOW), & even a countdown to his due date.

the entire country is in a baby fever just bc of deku. everybody talk obsessively about it & even if you find that one person who does not care they def know someone who does. all this happen while deku just go about his day like all of Japan isnt watching his every move lol. the strangest thing about deku's pregnancy is that there's no sign of the other parent?? deku isnt even dating anyone. he never mention any alpha AT ALL, only declaring that he plans to raise his baby all by himself as a single parent which blew their fucking mind bc wtfffff.

look, deku is the most famous omega around, sitting high atop of the world as the no. 1 hero & is adore by the mass--he's greatest omega of his generation some would say so yea there's lot of expectation & hope place on him but deku is deku & he does what he wants. ppl speculate that maybe he's pregnant bc he had a one night stand and this was accident, maybe he has been in a secret relationship all this time, maybe this baby was from a spurned lover or WORST yet a produce of rape... LIKE there's so many rumor swirling around but the answer is actually v v v simple. deku has always wanted a child and since he's nearing 30 right now, he thought it's hightime he has one and the other father? JUST A DONOR. it's nothing serious or complicated as ppl imagine to be.

deku wants a kid and now he has one!! but ppl just can't comprehend how it could be that simple when the most notoble omega in all of japan decide he wants a kid W/O having a mate and he's going to raise this baby all by himself and nope he's not even going to quit his job at ALL to have a family. deku is just--blowing their mind lol

the world doesn't so much get over it as they just kinda get dragged along bc deku does not give a single fuck wut other think and proceed to be immersed in his pregnancy and try to survive the next 6 months while everyone waited on bated breath to see what deku does next. the only thing that stick is the constant rumor mill of who is the donor of deku's baby. they assume that deku wouldn't just pick a stranger bc he's sentimental like that so speculations run amok about every alpha that is closely associate with deku.

there are public polls, betting rings w/ billions on the line, televised debates, internet flame wars, and ACTUAL ARGUMENTS B/T FAMILY/FRIENDS/COWORKERS on who the fuck is deku's donor! even more than deku's baby, they're fucking obsessed on finding out who is the actual donor. the thing is it's not THAT big of a secret. all of class A are in the loop, his mom know (ofc), and even his agency but they all managed to keep it a secret bc deku's privacy is the utmost important & beside the other father would literally MURDER them if it ever get expose.

this is how it went: bullied by his pr team, deku went on a variety show where they have to babysit kids & put through various childbearing challenge while cameras record them for entertainment purpose. It's there when deku realized "ah, I WANT THIS. I WANT THIS V BADLY." deku is climbing close to his 30 now, he's well established presence in the hero world, and his life is pretty stable so it's high time he have his own little family but the thing is babies are two ppl business. they don't just come from thin air so deku did the next best thing.

katsuki would like to say he didn't see this coming the same way you would not expect to be attack by a shark on land, but in this case deku is that fucking shark & katsuki is the idiot that get completley blindsided by him when deku cornered him one day and asked for his sperm.

ok, bakudeku aint dating. they have deep & complicated history that is not only confusing o everybody else but also confusing to them. 'friend' would be to light of a word but anything else is left undefined bc how do you explain more than 2 decades of w/e they are to each other. katsuki doesn't want to talk about the amount of time he'd used image of deku to get off while in rut just so he can survive through it, while the next few days trying to resist punching deku in the face bc he act like a sacrificial idiot who got a cross he wants to bear.

it's not 100% healthy his therapist unhelpfully pointed out but the core of all his volatile feelings have always been named deku & katsuki doesn't know how to compartmentalize it properly bc katsuki may have squashed to something small & insignificant but it's heavy & permanent. so when deku laid his fucked up request at katsuki's feet, he broke the table they were using and nearly walked out if deku didn't catch him by the arm in time.

"kacchan, pls here me out first," deku begged of him, his sweet permeating the air; he's NOT PLAYING FAIR AT ALL. whoever said alphas are the dominate sex in the world have never met an omega, a determine goal focus omega with babies on the brain like deku.

"kacchan, recently i realized that im only getting older so i want a child when i still can," deku explained. "so won't you help me? i know settling down right now is the farthest thing from your mind, but im not asking you anything like that," he continued as katsuki quietly fumed in the background. "i just want your help in making this selfish wish of mine come true. you're among my top choices, kacchan."

Katsuki jerked up. "wait, you mean to say there's a fucking list of alphas you plan to extort their sperm from?" he seethed, feeling like deku had took a goddamn knife to his pride and butcher it completely. "how many other ppl have you asked before you even came to me?!"

"im not extorting anything from anyone." Deku frowned. "and, well, you always lectured me about diving head first w/o any backup plans," he pointed out, "so i made sure to leave several options open just in case the first one fell through. see? i did thought this one thru."

katsuki nearly broke another piece of furniture at the thought of deku asking someone else to father his child as though he was just another face in a long list of ppl deku could use. "What did every alpha on ur shitty list rejected u already so now have to come to me for help?"

deku, who was no.1 for a reason, narrowed his eyes and the air crackled around them. "kacchan, this is extremely important to me so i wouldnt just chose anyone. i only know a handful of alphas i can trust and someone im happy to share the other half of my child with. you're the 1st person that came to my mind when i thought about a child growing inside of me," he said, wrapping his arm around his flat tummy. "despite our many differences you're the one i admire the most. your strength & ambition, grounded by your strong drive & work ethics. the fact that you got where you are w/ your own hands & wits to guide you, i think you're just amazing. so how could i not want those kind of qualities for my own child," deku explained. "im sure a child born from half of your genes you will shine just brightly as you do."

katsuki felt so taken back that found his tongue heavy and words were escaping him. on one hand he felt a rush of pride and a strange sensation of happiness that deku had specifically chosen him out of his potential candidates bc of the greatness he had seem in katsuki but he'd also narrowed katsuki out not bc of some sentimental bullshit or lingering feelings but he thought of providing his future child with the best gene pool as possible so his child can flourish. it's a damn ego busting for katsuki but deku was clearly a man on a mission.

katsuki hesitated and thought what it would mean to have a child out there who carry a lil part of him in them; it's unnerving and humbling at the same time. he never thought of it himself but deku had dream of this, wanted this so badly enough to beg katsuki for help.

"alright," he said finally, not knowing exactly what compelled him to agree, but the look of utter happiness spreading across deku's face as he can barely contain his joy. a single word from him had caused deku's word to shift and rearranged itself to make room for another life.

and that's how katsuki got con into helping izuku make a baby lol. but, really katsuki was the one who agreed to it out of his own will bc he's an idiot & also terribly whipped; omegas are the ones ppl should be frighten of bc once they make up their mind it's hard to move them. they're an unstoppable force, something to be reckon w/ esp when that omega is the no.1 hero who fought his way to the top of the rankings and maintain that status quo for many years despite how many times katsuki tried to topple him from that perch LOL.

katsuki already lost the war before he'd even put a foot down on battlefront the moment deku'd opened his mouth & demanded his sperm AND HE KNEW IT TOO. so that was how katsuki found himself preparing to empty his balls in front of a two-way mirror in a mating clinic bc of deku. omegas, esp males, are the most fertile when they're in heat & when an alpha go in a rut, but the both of them have this arrangment that's more of a duty than any feelings involve bc they cant risk getting mix up in the hormones. this is for deku & his future child!!! so the clinic had prepared a large room w/ two way dividing mirrors& open air vents circulating b/t the two rooms so they can breathe in each other scene where deku can have his heat on one side and katsuki can watch BUT NOT TOUCH and get his rut on so he can produce sperm.

it's uh, not supposed to be v sexy since it's all clinical & shit but bakudeku being bakudeku they nearly tear the room apart to get to each other in heat/rut madnes. deku had blushed earlier as he asked to be bind with quirk restrictions cuff just in case he go crazy which HE DID. at first the nurses there was more worry about katsuki going crazy and out of control bc he has been known to fall pretty high on the alpha aggression and they fear it would be katsuki who would be dangerous; BUT NOPE it's deku all all along who almost broke the REINFORCED MIRROR just so he can get to katsuki!!!! DEKU WHO PPL SOMETIMES FORGET IS LIKE THE NO. 1 HERO FOR A REASON. soft and sweet deku who single handedly can fuck you up with just his fingers if he want to. he's an omega on a mission and he wants that knot up his ass AND HE WANTS IT NOW.

the nurses & docs have to use everything in their toolkit to pull bakudeku apart. when it's all said and done, katsuki embarrassingly produce buckets of cum enough to last deku a looooooong long time if the first one didn't take lol while deku couldn't look at katsuki in the eyes. they are both horridly embarrass about their 'not mating' and their action toward each other there even though they never actually touch each other through out the whole heat/rut procedure. despite the fact that they DIDN'T HAVE ANY SEX, it was still the hottest exp for both.

katsuki never seen more more feral and fierce omega who nearly broke the entire room just to get to him, in that moment if katsuki wasn't in love already he would have been half way there and izuku didn't expect KATSUKI AT ALL. the way he had handle izuku was completely diff. in izuku's heat fever, katsuki was the lone anchor who'd provided him grounding. he tried to calm deku down from his ramp up hormones even though he was as clearly affected as deku. forceful but not unforgiving, commanding not unyielding, firm but gentle.

it was electric.

it was as though izuku was a wild animal unleashed and katsuki managed to tamed him and he never had even had to raise a single finger to do it. it was all in his words that cut through izuku's hazy feverish wants and desires. the kind of alpha that made deku's knees weak.

after that, they have wordless mutual agreement to never talk about it. deku got the sperms he wanted and katsuki had finally fullfiedd his obligation and isn't responsible for deku or his future child. HE'S DONE. they dont have anything to do w/ each other anymore. RIGHT??? ha.

it's funny bc izuku had his hope on a child but didn't think it would take so soon! he'd thought he would fail a few times first before he get really lucky w/ conception bc of his age now that he's older, this 'psuedo mating' can't replace real mating, & biology is fucking weird. even the fertility doc couldn't promise this procedure to insert bkg's sperm in him when he's still got in a heat fever will work 100% and if they fail, they have to wait for another HEAT to come before it could work. which mean months of waiting in b/t so izuku is desperate. BUT it took one try. THAT'S ALL IT TOOK as izuku anxiously waited for the news in next couple of weeks. he took at home pregnacy tests and when hall 3 results were positive he'd cried and called his mom but even then he didn't tell anyone bc he was so scare it just was a fluke.

he'd kept this secret until he finally got the visit to his doc and could get the firm confirmation he needed! when the doc revealed that he was indeed pregnant, izuku fell to his knees in relief bc finally, FINALLY, his dream of having a baby had came true. he's a father now!!

the doc had warned that the first trimester would be rough on him bc of his age and miscarriage is more likely for him than most male omega. maybe he should consider taking an early pregnacy leave bc of the danger his job poses to him & the unborn baby. deku had agonized over it. ultimately, he decided to continue w/ his hero work but won't take on as much stuff as before. he plans to be more careful & attentive to his safety, and defer his more dangerous work to his colleagues instead. all his friends and coworkers go out of their way to help him w/ this

izuku got an entire community of heroes WHO DO THEIR BEST TO ENSURE HIS PREGNACY GO SMOOTHLY bc look izuku may be doing this alone but HE'S NOT ACTUALLY ALONE bc he got his friends, colleagues, and mom to support him through this bc they know how much this means to him!!

katsuki was one of the last to find out but only bc deku plan to see him in person to tell him bc katsuki HAD GIVEN HIM ONE OF THE BEST GIFTS (beside OFA) and he wanted to thank katsuki in person but class A are a bunch of gossip mongers so he found out through their groupchat. it started as a joke about katsuki & his super seed bc what a fucking stud bakugou katsuki to have ONE TRY and is able to knocked izuku up so quickly lmao. w/e the fuck katsuki is doing or eating, apparently it works wonder for him bc one of his sperm luck out & hit jackpot. his so called friends cant stop ribbing into him for knocking up deku so quickly bc they know from deku's worry that it wasn't going to be an easy conception but IT'S BAKUGOU KATSKUKI, outdoing himself once more bc he never does anything by half, not even his own sperm lol.

izuku met up with katsuki right outside his agency bc he knew wassup and how to corner katsuki effectively by trapping him when he just high off his patrol when he least expect an ambush esp when he was too busy avoiding izuku's attempts to reach him bc of COMPLICATED FEELS.

it's not cowardice that kept katsuki away, but izuku was the source of all his confusing feelings already & now w/ the news that he's carrying katsuki's child now it'd gotten worst. izuku, though, was nothing if not persistent. he zeroed in katsuki right away w/ purposeful steps.

"kacchan, i'm so glad to meet you here," izuku says as though he hadn't coordinate this w/ katsuki's coworkers, who are all SOFT for izuku anyway lmao, to get katsuki alone JUST LIKE THIS. katsuki knew he was caught bc every one his friends & colleagues are FUCKING TRAITORS.

"what," he snapped, clenching the hands at his side as he tried to keep his gaze from izuku's still very flat tummy. it's weird to think a life was quickly taking shape there when it's not like izuku looked any diff but he smiling more brightly & warmth coming from his person. was this what they call the pregnancy glow? bc deku was fucking blinding that katsuki wanted to shove his hand to deku's face to block it out.

"what you want," he demanded again even tho they both know why deku was here.

unperturbed, deku smiled. "im pregnant now so thank you. you'd helped fulfilled one of my biggest dreams & im ever so grateful for it!" he continued, rocking happily back & forth on his heels but the words barely registered katsuki kept staring at the way deku's body swing out & he opened his mouth before he could think better of it.

"should you be even moving liek that ?" he asked BC SINCE FINDING OUT IZUKU IS PREGNANT HE LOST HIS MIND. as soon as the words left his mouth he knew he was a dead man walking.

izuku leveled him a glare so fierce that he actually took a step back w/ chills running up his back. "kacchan i may be pregnant but im not an invalid," izuku said with the sharp edge of a smile and thinly veiled steel in his voice. the scariest part was that he hadn't drop a single smile but the ominous threas was there. "do you want me to show you how much of not invalid i am?"

katsuki scowled, face pinching at the thought whether this was just the usual deku's bs or this was deku's bs + the pregnancy hormones that get him so rile up. either way, katsuki no matter how much of an ass he was, he wasn't going to punch a pregnant omega to prove a point.

"fine, that was dumb sorry," he said, scratching the back of his ear in annoyance. "so was that all you wanted to say?"

deku's eyes crinkle in amusement as katsuki's scowl deepens. "yea, i just wanted you to hear the news from me personally and expressed my thanks."

"i'll take good care of them," he said softly, a stray hand caressing his stomach carefully. "I promise i'll be good to them so you dont have to worry."

katsuki paused and then, "I know," he said bc he does. deku was going to be a good parent w/o a doubt. That is a truth.

deku's eyes light up at katsuki's words and there was a hint of wetness in them that katsuki had the unnerving fear that he was going to cry right here and katsuki's entire agency going to charge out & murder him for making a pregnant omega, THE PREGNANT OMEGA DEKU cry in public.

"t-thank you," he sniffs, but THANKFULLY NO ACTUAL CRYING INVOLE, "it makes me so happy to hear that you in believe me. i won't fail you, i swear!" he said it like he was making a vow for world peace or some shit bc of how serious it had sounded but this was important to him.

"yea, okay," katsuki said, looking away bc got this entire conversation was agonizing bc here he was talking to the person, but not JUST ANY RANDOM PERSON, who is carrying a baby w/ half of katsuki's dna & they're not fucking each other. like,,, that's fucking weird okay.

"that's all i wanted to say," deku told him, fully aware how uncomfortable this talk was making him, "so I won't bother you anymore." he gave one last smile and turned to go but KATSUKI WHO SHOULD HAVE LET IT END THERE found himself opening his mouth and grabbing deku by the arm.

it was careful, a firm but gentle hand placed his forearm like deku was glass that stopped him for a moment. "if--if," katsuki said, swallowing around a stone in his throat, "you find yourself needing anything, call me ok? ANYTHING i dont care just call me and i'll be there."

a slow but the brightest fucking smile he had ever seen bloom on deku's flushed face. "ok, i'll let you know," he replied, bc this was KATSUKI PUTING HIMSELF OUT THERE AND WANTING TO GET INVOLVE IN IZUKU'S PREGNACY even tho deku had given him a clean break from it. HE CHOSE THIS.

katsuki doesn't know what he was thinking then but the words slipped passed his guard before he can stop it & now he fucking doomed himself, doom himself to 3am late night calls of deku crying in hysteric at his home bc he ran out of some rare hard to find fruit bc CRAVINGS. so now katsuki had to dragged himself all the way across town to hunt for this shit. the morning news of that day was hero ground zero harrassing shopkeeper in the FUCKING ASS'S OCLOCK FOR SOME FRUIT AND DEMANDING IT NOW FOR W/E REASON, WHILE LOOKING SO FURIOUS & UNHINGED.

look, it's not like deku doesn't have an entire network of ppl to reach out to if he ever needed anything bc they would even laid down their life for him but even when he's cursing a storm trying to get deku's his midnight craving, he's so relief it's him that deku called first. besides, he firmly knew wut he had signed up for the moment he had opened his mouth. offering is help in the pregnancy process was him choosing to get involve and commit to deku & his (god fucking damn shit, he can't think of it as *theirs* bc that's too dangerous) baby. and bc this is bakugou katsuki and he never does any by halves so even though he may have been reluctant at first but now that he's firmly on board he's going in full throttle w/ no break in sight. katsuki dumps all his $$ on pregnacy & prenatal care books.

he read papers, argued on pregnancy forum, & even harassed his parents on it just so he can come at this like a fucking boss bc while he has full faith in deku to put the safety of the fetus first but also HE DOESN'T FUCKING TRUST DEKU TO PUT HIMSELF FIRST which is just as import. deku has the self-preservation of a damn child & he can't expect a *child* to take care of himself so KATSUKI OBVIOUSLY GOT TO DO IT FOR HIM. so he make diet plans, prepare prep meals for deku ahead of them, annoyed deku's coworkers to watch out for him lest he does something stupid. he make it his firm mission that this pregnancy will go smoothly as possible so even when he's running errands for deku, getting his weird ass food craving, and taking deku to visit his ob-gyn, sitting in the waiting room anxiously for any news in case SOMETHING GO WRONG.

He even drives himself crazy learning about the things a pregnant person can't do/is at risk of doing & he doesn't know how anyone can fucking take this for 10 months bc it's like walking on a precarious tight rope. it's scary & humbling and he just want deku & the baby to be ok.

there are still crimes and villains to wrangle, and the world keeps on spinning; nothing really change all that much now that deku's pregnant but katsuki finds himself personally accolating his precious time and energy toward deku & the baby. he became one of those *PEOPLE*, ugh. he never got it even when his friends had popped out spawns of their own. he wasn't going to get dragged down by biology & all that general bullshit about settling down. he's at the top of his game & prize to take over deku's position as no.1. he got no time for playing family.

yet here he is standing in the middle of a fucking baby store, staring down a damn baby crib and having a melt down. who the fuck knew that baby cribs come in so many fucking versions and THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY OF THEM. he thought he had come prepare but no this was toughs shit. he only saw this store in passing while on a patrol & thought he should drop by but the next thing he knew he got trapped here for three fucking hours just looking at baby cribs. he already got several people walking passed him, eyeing him weirdly as he internally freak out.

there are ridiculous amount of info floating on the internet about crib buying guide like the bars could only be certain inches apart, non-toxic paints, diff kind of mattress, safe headboards, etc etc. all of that to ensure the baby doesn't fucking DIE bc babies are like FRAGILE.

he calls deku & as soon as he picks up, the first thing katsuki says is, "last year, there were 1,842 babies death due to sudden infant death syndrome."

a long pointed pause, and then, "oh geez," deku answers, "where are you? I'll be right there, okay? don't go anywhere!"

#bakudeku #not!fic #sperm donor au

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queenofwerewolves · 4 years ago

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Oy! You’re a good person and I care for you, any hot takes on the Sonic Franchise?

*ahem*

*pulls out my glasses and a piece of paper*

1. Sonamy is not a bad ship and unlike other Sonic fans think, Sonic dating Amy wouldnt change his personality or his way of living

2. Amy ISNT a thirsty yandere hoe who would smash anyone who dares to wink at her blue blur but is instead a smart, leaderful tactician with a golden heart and maturity.

3. Sally Acorn is a shitty princess and Cream could have done a better job of leading her kingdom and the Freedom Fighters then she did.

4. Sonic's "Baldy Nosehair" phase isnt a bad character take but instead an attempt to explore Sonic's teenager self to be able to joke, laugh, and be cocky without ignoring his responsibilities of protecting the world and his friends

5. Tails ISNT a spineless coward but actually is a fucking TEN YEAR OLD WHO IS STILL HAS THE RIGHT TO BE AFRAID AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIGHT SOMETIMES BECAUSE HE IS STILL A CHILD AND NOT A GROWN TEEN LIKE SONIC IS AND HIS FEARS AND WORRIES ARE VALID.

6. Sonic Unleashed is one of the best games SEGA has developed since SA2 and people are just sour about it because it isnt just the usual "gotta go fast" levels the fans are used to

7. Sonic 06 is not a bad game, people are just mad with Elise and her unnecessary need to kiss Sonic

8. Forces was a good game and Infinite is not as edgy as the fandom portrays him to be, he was just badly written to be a Shadow copy cat.

9. We love Classic but we also want Modern games please.

10. Boom games was a mistake and very bad (fight me)

11. SEGA tries to hard to give their fans what they want but struggle because they want to progress with new ideas and think out of the box while what Sonic fans want is the Chao Garden to return (again. Fight me)

12. Sonic OCs are all valid and whoever character they ship them with is also valid Im sick of this "Sonic cant date anyone because it'll affect his free personality" bullshit. Until we have canon information that Sonic is Ace like we had with Spongebob, Sonic is even fucking trans for all I know, fandom go crazy you all deserve it.

13. Underground is one of the best Sonic cartoons and Manic must be protected

That is all.

*Puts on boxing gloves*

Come at me.

#im not afraid #FIGHT ME #ask

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arthurflecksgirl · 4 years ago

Text

Doctor of laughter /Arthurs POV

This is my version of the scene at the childrens hospital and the scene in the phone booth/ Arthurs POV

Doctor of laughter

Name: Dr Arthur

Department: Laughology

Speciality: Baloons

Ironic when you think about it. If not even funny.

They call me doctor of laughter here. Not knowing that I needed to visit the doctors because of my laughter for so many times in my not so funny life. Or maybe it was funny, if you have a really dark sense of humor.

But well, those kids here in the cancer ward don`t know about this and I`m glad they don`t. They shouldnt know that Dr Arthur is more of a patient himself as he is a doctor. My work name as a partyclown is Carnival but the guy who printed my card just used my real name which is also fine because it always melts my heart when one of the kids calls me Dr Arthur. It just feels so personal and makes me feel needed. Like I`m truly fulfilling my purpose here. Maybe I didnt managed to bring laughter and joy to this world, not even to Gotham but here in this hospital room the magic is happening. I`m the man I want to be. Here in this small room, filled with these kids who know what suffering and lonelyness means I can do something right. Here in this ward I`m living my dream. Making people happy. The kids just know and feel that this is who I am and why I am here for. they feel it. And they need to feel it because they need a moment of happiness just as much as I do.

I look at their faces and you can tell that they have been through so much. I just want to give them a glimpse of joy. Even if its not inside of myself, especially because it isnt. But seeing them smile, even for just a second makes me think that I felt it too. For a small moment there was this glimmer inside. The taste of doing something that has a purpose.

I wonder how many of them are lonely. Not just now here at the hospital but when they`re at home. I wonder if any of those kids feels missunderstood or left by their parents like I did. Or worse. I wonder if any of them will come up to me some day and say "Dr Arthur. I need someone to talk to."

I look at their faces and wonder if they are loved by their families. And I hope they are, wondering how they will feel when they`re back home. Some days in my life, I felt saver in a hospital bed. Which tells so much about life at home. I hope none of those kids feels better here than with their families. I look at each one of the faces. Trying to take a look behind the tiredness that comes with the chemo. Do they look like they areren`t loved by their family? How did I look as a kid? Could you tell?

I love the way they look at me while I am doing my little performance to "If you happy when you know it". It is so much easier to make kids smile. I`d love to have kids myself one day. I´ll be the clown daddy. Just imagin my child`s friends would go "What your daddy is a clown? For real? Thats so cool! He should come visit us on our birthday!" And of course I would be there and do their make up so all kids on the party would be clowns and thats just too adorable to think of.

Yeah I sometimes do dream about this, but thats another story. I dont think I will be a dad in the near future. But maybe I could be something close to a dad to Sophies daughter Gigi.

"If you happy and you know it wiggle your ears" I touch my ears and move my lips to the music that plays from the cassette player . Sometimes I also sing along for real because I couldnt help it. I have a thing for singing and dancing. Some of the kids touch their ears too. Some others sing the lyrics. And some are just too shy or weak to do more than just sit and watch. I try my best to look at everyone of them. No child should feel left out. Thats another really important thing for me,too. To not let any kid feel ignored. Ignorance is hell and I dont want to do this to anyone. Imagin there is this one really shy kid in the corner and you almost didnt notice because you are distracted by the other kids who are closer to you, singing. And the next night this kid might lie awake in the hospital bed, wondering why Dr Arthur, the friendly clown wouldnt even look him or her in the eyes. I just cant stand this thought. So I look at each one of them every single time. Try to animate them. I wanna be a good memory.

"If you happy and you know it and you really wanna show it...."

The word happy can be a trigger for me. Because thats the name my mum gave to me. The most unfit name in the world.

"....if your happy and you know it wiggle your ears" I turn to the kid sitting on the chair beside me and knee down. The doctor standing by the window is looking at the kids face. I guess it feels good to her to see the kid smile, finally. It made her grin too.

This makes me feel energetic like, I really get lost in my little dance for a second. Wearing the white hospital clothes felt weird in the beggining. They reminded me of Arkham and I asked the doctors if I really have to put them on. But they explained to me that this has a good effect on the kids.They feel like I am one of them when wearing the same clothes and I coudnt say no to that.

"If you`re happy and you know it stomp your feet...." I turn to the other side, spinning around, lift my hands up in the air. Even the other doctor has joined singing. This job is the only thing in my life that I dont hate.

".....If your happy and you know it and you really want to show it , if you happy and you know it stomp your feet."

I do. I do stomp my feet. Forgetting that I keep the gun under my clothes.

It makes a noise falling right to my feet. My reaction is fast. A high pitched scream is escaping my red painted lips. I remember this trick when comedians try to pick something up and it just keeps slipping away. Maybe I can make it look like a part o my act.

This wasnt planned or was it? Is there any chance I thought this would be funny when I left the house to go to work? Why did it fell out so easily? I can`t remember. But it surely doesnt feel good now.

Anyway, I pick up the gun and hide it under the hospital clothes, acting like I`m a bit embarrassed but gigglelish about what happened. I press my index finger to my lips and chuckle. Most of the kids look more than surprised, but then there is this lttle girl standing right in front of me is forming her hand to a gun and points it at me. I really like her.

Half an hour later I find myself in a phone booth taking to my chef. No good news are on the way.

"Hoyt, please! I love this job!"

I mean this as I say it. This job is important to me. Its a motivation after waking up. Knowing that there are sad faced kids I can make laugh again. I even try to ignore my workmates bullying me and all. I just want to go to hospitals and kids partys and be Dr Arthur or the birthday surprise. He cannot take this away from me. I hope he is bying my lie of the gun being fake. I wish Randall wouldnt have given it to me in the first place. I just knew that this is not going to end well. Why did he do this to me? Is this what he intended? Was this Randalls plan all along? Getting me fired by knowing that something would happen involving the gun?

Hoyt asks me why I brought a gun into the kids hospital and I explain to him that its a prob, a part of my act now. he doesnt belive me, raises his voice. "Thats bullshit, bullshit. What kinda clown carries a fucking gun? Besides Randall told me you tried to buy a 38 off him last week."

I knew it. I just knew there was something up with Randall giving me his gun. Him claiming I tried to buy it off him is proof enough. Its all lies. All lies. As if I would have wanted this damn thing. I told him I`m not supposed to have a gun and he still gave it to me, claiming to be worried about me being attacked out on the steets. Nice try, Randall. I bet you hoped I would kill myself with it by accident. But losing my job is just as good for you. Now you dont have to deal with my laughter anymore.

"Randall told you that?"

I cant belive this is happening right now. I cant belive he is beliving in Randalls words instead of what I am trying to tell him.

"You`re a fuck up, Arthur. And a liar. You`re fired!"

Hoyt hangs up the phone.

This is a nightmare. The only good thing I had in my life just ended.

I put my head to the cold glass of the phone booth and bang my forehead against it. The glass is cracking. I know there is a sharp pain but I can`t even feel it.

#arthur fleck #arthur fleck imagine #joker arthur fleck #arthur fleck imagines #joker #arthur fleck fanfiction #arthur fleck fanfic #joker fanfiction #joker fanfic #JOKER2019 #joker movie #dc #joker joaquin phoenix #joaquinphoenix #fanfiction #joker imagines

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inkybunny · 5 years ago

Text

MIDORIYA AND A S/O WHO WAS AN ASSASSIN

Midorya was almost finished with school when he met you. He was growing so fast in popularity, the biggest candidate to be the next number 1, of course, that worried villains and paying villains are always welcome to the people who own you. You were the deadliest assassin they had, fast, precise and silent with no fear of death, you were giving all his information. It was a simple plan, luring him with a robbery, attracting him to a specific location without letting he see you and finishing the job, but, of course, killing him proved to be way harder than that.

It was a surprise when you attacked and he was fast enough to dodge it, you knew he was fast but not enough to dodge an attack he didn't know where or if was coming at all, now, in combat, if he called for anyone it would be mission failed automatically so you needed to finish that quick. Thing is, you weren't made for long battles, you were made for single deadly strikes so the strength difference between you two became obvious quickly.

Deku didn't like the vibe you gave him, not only because you didn't use your quirk at all in the battle so he was always worried about what type of quirk it was, not only because he’s 100% sure he broke one of your ribs while releasing too much power onto you and you didn't even flinch before attacking again, not only because he didn't notice you at all at first and while he was going easy on you to try analyze the situation you almost cut his throat, not only because you didnt talk or react to any of his words. Above all, he hated your eyes, by your appearance you were almost the same age as him, maybe even younger, but your eyes had no life in them, they were… empty.

In a blow he managed to destroy your mask and apprehend you, bending some pipes to serve as handcuffs for your arms and legs, a bit overkill, yes, but it was what he had at that moment. He knew he should just call the police and be done with it but, looking at you, since he destroyed your mask he was able to see how innocent and pretty you looked, even with the obvious signs of bad fights, you looked so normal and cute and yet, it felt like you never felt anything, anything at all, not even anger or sadness, you looked so empty and that bothered him so so much.

He sitted on your side and tried his best to sound as gentle and kind as possible while talking to you, “What's your name?”, “How old are you?”, “Why do you do this?” he asked as he looked into your eyes with this sad worried look, something you never dealt before, something that filled you with rage. How DARE him treat you with PITY? WHO HE THINKS HE IS? WHO HE THINKS YOU ARE?

He watched as he notice you were not happy, thinking it would be a nice topic he tries.

“What's your quirk?”

You look at him. “Great, at least that got her attention”

“I figure, since you didn't do nothing special during the fight it was either something to boost your physical abilities or something more mental, like strategic wise, but it could be something other than that and you simply did not got the chance to use it or needed something specific to use, tho I find that quite unlikable since you seemed pretty well prepared to kill me so it would be very out of character to not bring an specific thing you needed to use your quirk”

You kept looking at him, confused. “He didn't notice?”

“So… What is it?“ He asked you, with some excitement in his eyes. “She doesn't seem unpleased, just confused, maybe that I was capable of noticing that much?”

You scoffed.

“I dont have one.”

“What?” Midorya got a little bit frustrated. “She's lying to me? Probably, but....”

“I don't have a quirk” You looked deep into his eyes, not a single trait of lying on your voice. “I’m quirkless” You said, getting your eyes off him again, looking at the ground.

A little bit of silence filled your space as Deku was thinking about what you just told him.

“You’re amazing” You looked at him again. “You were able to fight me that well while being quirkless? That's impressive”

It's not like you never heard that before, your owners would often call your victories impressive, but never sounded that… sincere. You looked at the green haired boy as he felt more and more puzzling. “I’m Midorya Izuku, but you can call me Deku if you like” He smiled at you. “What's your name?”

“I don't have a name, my owners call me 7B”

“Your...Owners?” You nod.

You could not help but feel extremely comfortable next to that boy, like you could trust him, that he would not take advantage of you, which was super weird, since you just tried to kill him. Midoriya on the other hand, felt his heart grew tight as he felt you had dealt with way too many horrible things.

“Don't move?” You nod as the boy bended the pipes restraining your arms and legs, making you free again.

You got up, killing him was a no chance now, even if you tried to catch him while he was distracted you knew it wouldn't work, you are way too tired and your pain and difficulty to walk straight was an indicative your ribs were definitely broken. You were considering your particular killer alternatives while going away when you felt your arm being grabbed.

“Where are you going?” Silence. “You’re going back?”

“No, they would never take me back with a failed mission, I’m the quirkless assassin, they consider me disposable and less capable than the others, my perfect score was able to keep me alive until now but that's out the window.” - “Others?” Midorya thought with himself.

“Come with me!” You looked at him, confused. “Look, I can help you, Aizawa-sensei can help keep you safe and you can help us find those who did this to you, we can hunt them down and-”

“No”

No? What? Why? Weren't you unhappy with that life? Didn’t you want to stop murdering people? Midorya asked himself as he looked at your serious expression, crying for answers.

“You wouldnt understand it” You release yourself from his grip.

“I… I can't understand it if you don't tell me! They are your parents? That's who you call owners? I know it's hard to betray them but…” He stared at your back as you walked away unfazed.

Parents. Tho is quite unlikely you came into this world with no mom or dad, even tho sometimes you think god created you from nothing to pay for the sins of your past life, your owners weren't your parents, you never had the luxury of meeting them, you don't really know if they are alive or not, not that you have any energy to desire the answer for that. No, all your memories are from inside your owners training, all your memories are being trained within those grey walls and only being out to kill.

“Do you want to live like that forever?” Deku’s voice echoed in your mind, making you angry again.

“Do you think I want to live at all?” You went back to staring at his eyes. “You can't understand it, this is all I am, I’m an useless, quirkless person but being able to force myself at maximum, training harder than anyone else, that made me be here today. How many people do you think I killed? There’s no going back ‘cause there is no back to go to, this, a murderer, is all you’ll have from me.” You felt warm tears coming from your eyes, huh, you can't remember the last time you cried. “Actually, not even that, I couldn't kill my target so, even at the only thing I ever was, I failed. You think you can fix everything with your hero bullshit? I got news for you, some things were made to be awful and there’s no fixing.”

“Do you want to bet?”

You looked at him, his face was completely serious, bet? Bet what?

“Stay with me for a month, I can make it so you are not suspicious at all, no one will make questions.” He slowly got close to you. “ If, for this entire month, you can't find a single thing you appreciate, if living a normal life, helping people with me, can't make you feel even a little bit of happiness…”

Midoriya looked into your eyes with nothing other than honesty in his words. He wiped your tears with his fingers as he looked even more determined.

“I’ll let you kill me!”

“What?” You were so confused, he was saying he would give his life up? For nothing?

“You can't go back to your owners with a failed mission, right? Stay with me for a month, if I can't make you appreciate life then you can go back with the mission completed, say that I captured you to take information but you were able to escape and finish the job.”

This boy is insane, he has to be, giving his life up for someone he just met? Or he was just so confident in his plan? Maybe he was planning on betraying you and giving you up for the cops, all those questions pop off in your head, in all the ways you could look at this it was weird and completely crazy, insane! And yet, when he standed his hand to you, to firm the agreement, there was a small part of you who wanted to accept it, a small part indeed but so so loud, you felt like the will to accept it echoed through your body as your heart skipped a bit when you looked into Midoriya's eyes and shook his hand. “Deal” you thought.

Midorya’s smile was the prettiest thing you ever saw.

“Well, since we’re doing this, you're gonna need a name, right? It would be weird for me to call you ‘7B’” You silently looked at him, you never thought of a name for yourself before. “No ideas huh? I could have imagine” He laughed.

“What about...Shizu? You know, as in silent? Since, well your very quiet and all” The boy kept feeling a little embarrassed, he never named a person before. “No? Thats stupid?”

The first time in a long long time, you felt yourself smile.

“Shizu is good.”

Midorya kept every single promise he made you, he took you to so many places, to do so many different things, you read stories for children and went with him seeing the flowers blooming, not even a week in and he won the bet. Your heart was so heavy when you told everyone the truth, way more with the friends Izuku presented to you than to Aizawa-sensei or the cops, when you helped with crashing the Assassins organization. Being completely sincere with yourself you felt happier when everyone from class 1-A accepted you even as an assassin and continued to be your friends like nothing changed than when the judge decided you were not responsible for the things you did while in the organization.

You still remember the rush of multiple feelings you felt when the widow of one of your victims went to talk to you, as she petted your head kindly and looked at you with those very very sad eyes.

“I’m sorry for everything you had to go through” She smiled. “It's okay, it wasn't your fault, I forgive you.”

The agonizing feeling on your throat as you fell on your knees and screamed and cried “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry” those words felt like they were trapped for so long.

You were the one to suggest yourself as a “hero” to the police, not exactly it but that's what they call you. Your skills were very appreciated in the police force and mainly used to serve as a scout or in missions who required fast and silent work, you were technically a hero but, without a quirk, you kept doing those kinda jobs and maintaining yourself low on the hero chart. Not like you didnt like it, in fact, you were quite satisfied with things exactly like that.

After a year or so, as Midorya were already competing into the top 3, he confessed to you, he never went away and always supported you, even when you were in your “I’m a murderer, a garbage human who dont deserve any of this” moments, he never left your side and always made sure you felt welcomed and cared for, his feelings for you developed steadily for that year and you were completely in love with him as well.

He was the hand that helped you out of that hell, that showed you kindness and care, nothing more than natural, you fell for him considerably quickly. He was so happy when you said you loved him back and he show you off constantly, to him, getting you off that life was the best thing he ever done, as a hero or not, he can only wish for you the happiest times and he will try his dam best to make you the happiest person on earth, cause, to him, that's what you deserve.

__________________________

BONUS: “Ah! Shizu, there you are.” Your boyfriend waved at you with the picnic caddy on his hand.

“I thought this was going to be a good spot for the flower blooming.”

Izuku smiled and seated next to you, starting to open the caddy and put the food on the towel.

“You say that but this is the spot you choose every year!” You laughed, it was indeed, it was the spot Izuku brought you to see the flowers blooming the first time you met.

“You know” Izuku said as he finished with the food and gave you a little kiss on the cheek, he was trying his best but casual mouth kisses were a bit far for him yet. “I was thinking, we gave you a name but isn't it a little bit annoying having to deal with paperwork without having a last name? We should get you one.”

You looked at him lovely and gave back that cheek kiss making him go a little bit red and smiled.

“I have one in mind, just, not the time yet.”

The green haired man looked at you saying “Hmmm” curious about what type of name you picked. He got two sandwiches and handed you one, your favorite, as usual, you giggle a bit and looked at the trees while taking a bite of the sandwich.

While you looked at the petals falling from not finding a space on the overcrowded trees, you felt happiness and peace. You beg the universe to let you be greedy this one more time, to be able to desire one little thing, you beg the universe as you mouthed the words taking care to not let your boyfriend read your lips, you beg the universe to grant you this one last thing and let you be named

“Shizu Midoriya” __________________________ HEY! Soooo this was fun :3 This is part of a small request I received but I had so many ideas to it I cound not help myself to write and oneshot about it Hope you guys liked it! Gonna post the request soon, dont worry

#bnha #mha #bnha scenarios #bnha headcanons #bnha fic #mha headcanons #mha scenarios #mha fic #midorya izuku #deku x reader #izuku x reader #izuku midoria x reader #midorya headcannons #deku scenarios #deku fic #midorya fic

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jenna-jayde-the-renagade · 4 years ago

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So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

#thisiswhattranslookslike #girlslikeus #transgender #mtf #trans #transition #hrt #transgender girl #transformation #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronically sick #crohns disease

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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 5 years ago

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hi💕 did you get my ask yesterday? anyway it’s okay if you didn’t, i just got another idea because i’m feeling shitty today, what about chris and you liking each other but you don’t want to say anything because you don’t feel worthy of him so when he insinuates you just dismiss him and he thinks you don’t like him like super angsty but happy ending?

This one was fun, I hope I got that bit of angsty feel to it, while keeping it light hearted. If he ever told me he had feelings for me, I would be all adkfjakldfjqier HOT MESS. Lol. If you like this kind of theme, @jtargaryen18 has a great chapter one with this feel called Jealous Guy with Chris x Reader. Its so good!

You looked at Chris as you popped open his fridge, and stuck your head in. “Buddy, if you are out of beer before this bbq even begins, can we even call it a bbq?” Straightening and looking at the thread bare shelves, you arch a brow. Did he even eat?

“Its out in the garage Y/N, trust me I know better then not to have beer.” He rolls his eyes at you, making burger patties and setting them on a platter, a splash of Worcester sauce, salt, pepper. Yea good enough. You make your way to the garage through the kitchens side door and grab two bottles. Okay, thats better. He had a full fridge in the garage, as well as the extras to bring out into the back yard when they go to set up.

Going back in, you make sure the door is firmly shut, outside was sweltering already, and you considered the idea that you all maybe should have extra ice on hand. “Yes I got plenty of ice to” Chris says with a grin as he rips off some saran wrap and covers the burgers before handing you the platter to place into his fridge.

“I promise, I only asked you here to hang out. I got all the rest covered." Chris moved to wash his hands and you hip check the fridge shut.

"Okay! Okay! I give! I'm here.... Only as a guest...."

He paused, knowing it was coming.

".... Who feels like she should help you get ready."

That earned you a hand towel being chucked at you, the two of you laughing as you both headed out to his patio, calling Dodger to join you two, and Chris snagged his sunglasses while waiting for his pup to join you two.

The two of you has been best friends for many years, it was an easy going, no expectation kinda deal. There we're times, you wanted to take it further, you knew those little over the top things he did privately for his girlfriend's, after all you had helped him brainstorm a few of them. But they were never for you, always the best friend, you weren't complaining. You valued this, but you wondered what it could have been like.

You were out of his league anyways, you knew that, he knew that. Life is what it is. These were your thoughts on the subject.

But the past year he pulled back from that scene. Seemed to focus on himself, what he wanted to accomplish after his Marvel stint. You had asked him a couple times if he was seeing anyone. Chris would just kind of shrug, become elusive in his answers. "He, I'm to busy"

Somehow you would never catch his glance your way when you would go back to what you were doing. He was not to busy, he was conflicted.

You were his best friend. He didn't want to ruin one of his most valued relationships by asking for more. Even if it could be the best thing in his life.

"When's everyone supposed to get here?" You ask, as you move over to sit on the edge of his in ground pool. Kicking off your flip flops and lowering to dip your toes in, and sinking your leg in as you sat down, careful with the glass bottle. He loped over next to you, already barefoot, he lowered next to you and took a drag before he set it next to yours.

"Couple hours yet, although Scott and Zach will probably be by sooner."

"They are so damn cute" you remarked, having just met Scotts boyfriend a few weeks ago when you were invited to a party they were throwing

Chris chuckled softly, watching Dodger on the other side of the pool, rubbing himself in the freshly cut grass, staining his white fur green. "They really are, and Scotts so happy, probably the happiest ive seen him in a long time." You picked up on that wistful note, glancing over at him and let your shoulder nudge him. "Did I just hear a note of longing Christopher, Mr. I like being a bachelor?"

You were only teasing, but he looked thoughtful at you, blue eyes scanning over your face, and you felt that all familiar tingle flushing the tops of your cheeks. Damn it y/n, check yourself woman.

"Well maybe, yea. I would like something more then the occasional fling, and just sex. But I'm not sure she be interested in me like that. We've never discussed it, and shes never necessarily hinted in more then what we got."

You, so completely not picking up on what he was really saying, cause in your mind, he couldn't ever be into you. "Well doofus, you have to tell her. Come on, your a catch Chris. Any woman would be happy with you, and with luck, she will make you happy to." You tipped back your bottle, the icy cold beer tingling your lips in that delicious way, your tongue would swipe along your bottom lip, Chris trying to keep himself from getting to distracted.

Playing with the neck of his bottle, he sloshed it a bit, and then set it aside before taking a drink from it. “Okay, I will. Y/N, what do you say, would you like to go out on a date with me?” You just about choked on your beer, sputtering and he reached over to tap his hand against your back. “Jesus Christ woman, breath!”

“You-you want to go out, with me? why in the world would you want to...?” Your voice drifted off, and Chris arched his brows, reaching out to take your hand, which you let him. Still shocked at his question.

“Really Y/N? You cant really be questioning why? Ive known you for years. We have fun together, you already know about all the risks that come to dating me. Youve never, wondered about what it would be like for us? Cause I have many times.”

“Well yea Chris, I mean... ive noticed, dont get me wrong. But im me... your you, it just...” You gave a shrug, not really wanting to say those words. Chris tilted his head, blue eyes searching for what you werent exactly spitting out, and shook his head.

“I dont get what you mean Y/N, what does that have to do with anything?”

“Come on Chris”pulling back your hand, you splashed your leg a bit while drawing it out, and wrapping your arm around it as you bent it, watching the water run down to the tips of your toes, suddenly they were fascinating, you could really just watch those droplets race away all day then to answer Chris’s question. But he wasnt backing down, and you could feel his incredibly blue in the sunshine, im innocent but also know what Im doing to you babes, eyes fucking staring at you. “You are so out of my league, Ive seen the woman youve dated in the past.”

Taken aback, his brows furrowed in frustration. “Thats bullshit Y/N, you think I would think anyone wouldnt deserve me cause I happen to make movies?” He went silent, contemplating what he wanted to say next. The fact that you felt that way about yourself just proved that he was going to have to show you how incredible you were. “Just a chance Y/N, if you have any feelings for me. Its all I ask for.” Turning back to you, he dipped his head to hover near yours.

Waiting for you to give an answer, your heart race cause he was that close. You could feel the soft breaths of air coming from his soft breaths and your eyes darted to those full lips, making your own throb with wanting to brush against them. But hes your friend, your mind screams and then a soft whisper. But he can be so much more.

It was all interrupted when Scott called from inside the house, and you pulled away, scooting back and moving to a stand, grabbing the emptied beer bottles. It was an excuse to get away from what you actually wanted to say. “Let me grab us another!” Racing away to go greet Scott, Chris lets his head falls into his hands, groaning. I was so close, and scared you away.

Scott busted through the door to find Chris pulling himself to a stand, catching the drawn look he had, he tilted his head “Out with it, I know that look, and thats the one you use when something is bugging you.”

“Nothing is wrong Scott” Chris lied, Dodger promptly coming over to greet his “uncle”, in which Scott immediately ruffled his ears. Not to be distracted though, he gave another spill it motion.

“Okay, if you MUST know Scott, I might have told Y/N I had feelings for her.”

Scotts eyes widened, and he grinned. “Well its about damn time Chris! You two have been dancing around each other for a year. Even Zach said we should just push you two together to kiss.”

“Yea well, it didnt go as I hoped.” His hand went up to the back of his neck, rubbing it. “She feels shes not in the same league? How is that even a worry.”

Scott shrugged and loped his arm over his brothers shoulder. “Hey, shes probably just nervous and caught her by surprise. Talk to her again after the party, and relax bro. Trust in your gut.” Chris wrinkled his brow as he listened to Scott, he made some good points. It was unexpected after all. He had certainly never hinted it before at you that he had any real interests. “Come on, let go see what those two are up to and finish setting up.”

Inside, you and Zach were dicing up some fruit they had brought for a fruit salad, having avoided bringing Chris that second beer, and Chris didnt remark on it once they came back inside. He smiled over at you and you glanced down right quick, moving to drop the strawberries in. Was it going to be awkward? Fuck you hoped not. But to your relief, there was no change. Everyone fell into an easy chatter, Chris went and started his grill, and before you all knew it, the party was underway with people showing up, bringing more food, games were played and most likely to much beer got consumed.

The evening started winding down, and you bid your goodbyes, touching Chris’s arm “So im going to head out, it was a great time, dont forget to drink some water before bed though. You will wake up with a headache.” A frown plays on his lips.

“Wait, your really leaving? I thought we could talk.” His eyes flashed hopeful at you, and honestly right now it was all more then you wanted to get into.

“Yea, I got an early morning and stuff I need to take care of.” White lies werent harmful, right?

“How about I come over tomorrow then?” He was still trying, one thing about Chris, once he set his mind to something, he rarely backed down.

“Text you, I promise!” You say a bit overly cheerfully and dart out the door, leaving him on his own once more. Digging out your keys, you escape to your car and pull out of his drive. Driving around, you ended up going nowhere near home, instead you drove around, trying to process your thoughts.

Why couldnt you Y/N? Dont you deserve some kind of happiness and youve always been attracted to him. Just always putting yourself down, you did that with your ex to. Here Chris was saying he had feelings beyond just friends and you ducked out the door before telling him that you might have as well for years.

This was how it went for a couple hours, getting dark you turned on your head lights, and before you realized where you were, your car pulled into Chris’s driveway, tapping your fingers on the wheel. His lights were still on, but everyones cars were gone. Were you really going to do this? Yes... Yes you are. Y/N, you have someone who wants to see if you two are meant to be something more, someone you actually care for as well. Stop holding back.

Going up the front steps, you consider letting yourself in, but you simply knock instead, twisting your fingers together. Dodgers bark emits, and you can hear Chris on the other side. “Hush boy, its okay. Back up buddy.” And then the click, he opened his door and a quirk of a smile folds up the corner of his mouth. “Hey.... “ You take a deep breath and step up to him, grasping his face in your hands, and sweep up to your toes to reach him. Why he have to be ridiculously tall? The sharp taste of beer and him flooded your senses, and his arm tilted around to brace you in close, holding back enough so you could control this kiss, it was yours, and he wasnt about to scare you off again.

Pulling back, you smooth your hands down to his shoulders, clearing your throat. “First of all, Chris you know I dont want to loose our friendship, second I want to see how good we could be. And third...”

Suddenly Scott appeared in the background, grinning wide. Apparently he didnt leave. “ITS ABOUT TIME YOU TWO!!!”

Cats out of the bag, you and Chris were going to see where this would go.

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