#i should be able to keep up with my hygiene and my chores and my school and work responsibilities!

[thezodiacco]

.

[hillbillyoracle]

For those with home related New Years Resolutions:

I’ve been a disabled homemaker for 5 years now so I wanted to share the resources that have helped me take our home from complete chaos to reasonably functional and enjoyable.

If you’re not functioning...

If you’re constantly tripping over things and getting injured, eating food that makes you sick, dealing with pests in the home, and struggling to complete basic tasks like feeding, clothing, and bathing yourself, then you should start with...

KC Davis aka StruggleCare aka DomesticBlisters

TikTok

Book

Podcast

Website

I recommend KC Davis’s stuff with a big heaping dose of “keep what works and leave what doesn’t.” She’s one of the few people I’ve seen talking about compassionate care focused on maintaining a level of personal functioning rather than maintaining a home. Her stuff has been very helpful to me during some very challenging times. 

I think her some of her best work is probably her videos on the 5 step tidying process, the ones on setting up bedside hygiene and food kits, and the ones on dealing with DOOM (Didn’t Organize Only Moved) boxes. 

That being said she has a tendency to use neurotype as a shield for not reckoning with other dynamics in a situation (gendered, narcissism, etc) when asked for advice by viewers which can lead to this “all people with neurodivergence are good” vibe which I find off putting (especially as an autistic person). I mention it because her bleh stuff was all I was coming across and I missed out on her good stuff for a while. It’s worth picking through though. 

Her book is a little better on the whole. 

If you’re functioning but still very overwhelmed...

If you can complete your daily activities of living pretty regularly but you’re still losing papers you need, rebuying items you didn’t realize you had, or looking around your home at a mess that feels impossible to clean, then check out...

Dana K White aka A Slob Comes Clean

YouTube

Website

Podcast

Books

I love Dana K. White’s stuff. Honestly, I recommend her to every level on this list but I think she probably shines brightest in this category. 

Her 5 step decluttering process is pure fucking gold. It’s a decluttering process that doesn’t rely on feelings at all - really helpful for those with trauma or alexthymia generally. She has multiple videos explaining it and even more where you can watch her go step by step with someone over the course of an hour and make a huge dent in some very overwhelming mess. Its the process I’ve used to go through over 50 moving boxes to declutter so we could fit in this much smaller space we moved to in April. 

Her day to day cleaning advice is also excellent. Her concept of dishes math has really helped me make decisions about what chores to focus on when I’m low energy. Her 14 Days to Opening Your Front Door series is amazing if you’re having to host for a given occasion but your home is a wreck. 

If you’re not painfully overwhelmed by your stuff but there’s still a lot of friction in your home...

If your stuff doesn’t overwhelm you but your home still doesn’t feel that good to be in, you’re still not finding things when you need to or it’s taking you a long time to find them, you create homes for things but they look terrible or they never seem to stick, then you’d love...

Cassandra Aarssen aka Clutterbug

YouTube

Books

Website

Podcast

Clutterbug types were kind of a game changer for me. It’s what really opened my eyes to why the systems that worked for me did not work for my partner. She is a Bee - lots of small categories that are all very visible - and I am a ladybug - big bucket categories that aren’t visible. When I reorganized our space according to the compromise between our types, Butterfly - big categories and very visible - all of a sudden the systems just worked so much better. There were many fewer fights sparked by things not getting put away or not being able to find things. So I really recommend her videos on the different types and examples of each. 

Quick word of warning, she does have regular videos about diet and exercise that I personally find pretty triggering to my disordered eating habits so I’m not subscribed to her and just check her channels every now and then so it’s easier to skip over videos where that might be a topic she talks about. 

Cliff Tan aka Dear Modern

TikTok

YouTube

Website

Book

Cliff Tan’s work is the most recent of these resources that I’ve come across but holy shit I cannot recommend it enough. 

Because my parents didn’t originally intend on my partner using the room she wound up using, there’s simply not space to keep some of the furniture and items in there anywhere else. Meaning she just kind of has to keep a fair bit of junk in there. But after watching (read: binging) the Dear Modern YouTube channel and seeing him completely change spaces by moving furniture around, I redid my partners room over the course of about 2 hours and it’s a completely different room. Way more comfortable and she’s already mentioned she’s getting much better sleep. 

So I really really recommend his stuff. Sometimes what you really need isn’t new stuff but just rearranging what you already have. 

If you’re pretty content with your home but want to streamline the process of caring for it...

If your home is pretty functional but regular tidying, deep cleaning, and maintenance tasks specifically keep falling through the cracks, then you might like...

FlyLady System

Website

The Secret Slob - YouTube

Diane in Denmark - YouTube

There are lots of systems out there for house keeping but I’ve yet to try or see one that seems to do better than FlyLady for me. Since with my illness my energy varies wildly, I don’t necessarily do things when her system recommends but I do them according to the priority her system ascribes to them as I’m able. 

FlyLady is a notoriously convoluted website so I really recommend learning from a secondhand source. The Secret Slob and Diane in Denmark are my favorites. 

Maintenance Lists

This Old House

There a lots of maintenance lists out there and honestly finding one and doing what you can is better than nothing. I personally like the ones from This Old House because they’re broken up into annual, seasonal, monthly, and some weekly tasks - which are essentially priority categories, similar to FlyLady. I’ve linked the winter one here but there are many others to pick through depending on what you want to work on. 

Bonus: Paper Clutter

My System

Link

This is what I’ve arrived at after years of experimentation. It’s an amalgam of a few different ideas from different systems in one place. I keep mind on my fridge but put yours where ever you’re dumping paper anyways. If you’re in a room or live in a car/backpack - I have ideas on how to organize it for those in this post too. 

Sunday Basket

YouTube Video

The Minimal Mom’s Video

She’s in Her Apron Video

Need something a little more robust? The Sunday Basket is probably be best version of a paper (and other stuff) system I’ve seen. Got something that needs dealt with? Chuck it in the Sunday Basket. The creator also has videos on long term paper storage ideas if that’s something you need as well. But her videos usually run an hour long so I recommend starting with either the Minimal Mom’s video or She’s in Her Apron’s video. 

Bonus: Digital Clutter

PARA System/Building a Second Brain by Tiago Forte

YouTube Channel

Website

Book

Essential Video

The branding on this system can be very productivity tech wonk which is off putting to me but when I finally started hearing what was at the core of it and applying it - my digital life was changed. I’ve linked my absolute favorite video he’s done here. Ignore the bit about it being the last in the series, most of us are already using some note app and if you like it you can always go back and watch the rest. But just applying what’s in that video to your digital systems will make things easier to find. 

Hope this helps someone out there! 

[nemo-bros]

this is my new visual schedule:

i have no idea how to image describe pictures with so many things in them, so I'm sorry I have no image description, but I will do my best to explain the purpose of each page (left to right top to bottom)

the cover (keeps pieces from falling off if I put the flipbook in my backpack or something) the cover also has my name on it but I cropped this out

'first next then after' page (the main page I use, has my soonest upcoming tasks- I take pieces from the 'to do' page and put them here)

'to do' (at the morning I fill up this page with my tasks like cleaning, chores, and studying- I do have cards for other fun activities and eating but I only ues them on the first page in between tasks from this page)

'done' (when I finish a task on the 'first next then after' page I move it here- it gives me dopamine to see everything I finished that day and makes me less stressed about the amount of things I need to do)

hygiene page- this page is actually so so good its like a cheat code- If you take nothing else from this post at least take this idea: the top (orange) section is for the morning, the bottom (blue) section is for the evening. in the morning all the cards will be in the morning section, when I finish a task I get to move it to the evening section (repeat this for all 6 tasks). in the evening I do the tasks again but the cards get moved to the morning section this time. (if there's a day where I didn't finish then I just move them anyways the next morning as a "reset") this page is in my book but it's probably more helpful just to leave it in the bathroom on the counter or mirror or something (without systems like this I cannot take care of my basic needs, even with these supports and the additional supports in my home i cannot reliably take care of my basic needs)

images 6-9 show some of the word storage pages, I have a total of 10 of these pages

if you're curious at all how i made it let me know and i will post the steps i did to make it and where I got all the pictures!! (I want everyone to be able to access systems like these if they need them, so I am very open to sharing this)

something i really really like about this flip book is that its very tactile and very visual- it does not require very much brain power to use- I really like to just move around the pieces on the pages with the velcro as a stim

i was promted to do this because recently a teacher told me I just need to manage my schedule better and that I should be trying harder (little does she know I'm trying my hardest already)

ive tried so many types of schedules and routines and I just cant stick to them (this is one reason I suspect adhd in addition to my autism but idrk and it probably doesnt matter), but then after she said that I was like okay I guess this is a good excuse to try a visual schedule so I made one (very time consuming but also fun) and then am still disapproved of for some reason... I think she thinks its "too childish/I'm not disabled enough" which I disagree because if it helps and they need it then they should use it regardless of sterotypes- i think this is true for all adaptive tech and disability aids

my point in showing this is to let other autistc adults know that you can use visual schedules if they help you and to boost someone else's confidence for them to use an aid they are afraid to because its stigmatized (also yes mine looks kind of simple/etc but I chose to do it this way because it works good for my brain like this- not because its how all visual schedules should/need to look)

[iamblueraspberry]

(Vent Post) Things I Should Be Able To Do But For Some Reason/Various Reasons I Can't Do Them And It Makes Me Feel Like My Existence Is A Burden And That I'm Failing Everyone By Just Being Around

Keep my room clean

Eat healthily/keep myself fed

Personal hygiene

Have/keep a proper sleep schedule

Help people when they ask, even if I don't want to do it

Be on time for Things

Get up in the morning

Hydrate

Have a healthy discussion about hard topics without things turning into an argument

Chores

Spend time with people

Not hide inside my room and rarely come out

Get rid of things I don't use or need

Keep things organized

Remember events, important details, tasks, etc.

Do My dishes

Exercise

Go outside

Hold still when asked

Volume control

Make phone calls

Remember to schedule appointments

Take my meds on a regular schedule

Be reliable

Not procrastinate

Laundry

Change my sheets

Save money

Stop picking my skin/acne

Keep myself grounded

Take care of myself/Basic Self Care

Not blame myself for everything

Keep trips to the bathroom short

Stop crying/Only cry for short periods of time

Regulate my emotions

Trust people

Not make assumptions about people based on little information

Stay in touch with people

Cleaning the bathroom/toilet

Solve my own problems/Look for solutions

Plan for the future

And I'm sure there's more but I can't think of anything else rn but my brain is insisting there is more things wrong with me

Not worry about things outside of my control

Act like an adult

Act like a human

If anyone has questions/wants to know more about anything here/wants to talk about stuff, please ask. I need to talk about this but I'm scared.

[dprpnshmntlf]

With these absurd rent prices these days, it’s understandable why I would move in with other people to split rent and expenses. What most people don’t understand however, is why I stay in a house where I am subject to discipline from all 6 (4 girls, 2 guys) of my roommates.

It was never formally established. There was no mutual agreement among roommates for punishments. It just happened one day. The rule of the house was, if you make a mess, clean it up. Well, I had been getting lazy and started procrastinating, putting off cleaning my messes for a day or two. After several confrontations and promises to do better, one of the girls, Samantha, finally just snapped.

There was an audible gasp from the room, as Sam grabbed me and pinned me down over her knee. She caught me off guard and before I could react, she already began beating my ass. Even with everyone watching, I shamefully did not even make it one minute before I started kicking and howling, but she didn’t let up for a second. After several minutes, she finally stood me up and told me that I will behave from now on. I just sniffled and nodded.

I think we all pretended that was just a weird one time thing, but we all knew something had changed. Next week, Beverly got busted for eating Penelope’s prepped work lunch. They argued about it for a few minutes, until Beverly decided that Penny was being petty and needed to shut up. Rather than continue the pointless argument, Bev just grabbed a wooden spoon, forced the smaller Penny up onto the table on her back with her legs up, and let her have it. Within minutes, Penny was bawling and apologizing for her behavior. After that, Penny agreed to prepare an extra lunch for Bev every day.

Then the next day, Todd and Benny were watching the game on the communal TV, when Penny told them that she wanted to catch up on her new favorite reality TV show. They were only given one warning and one chance to give up the remote or face the consequences. I guess the guys thought it was a good idea to call her bluff, but they quickly learned that, despite her size, she could be very intimidating. Enough to get them both bent over the couch with their pants down while getting their butts whacked with the remote. Any hope of preserving some kind of upper hand from watching Penny cry during her spanking, dissolved as she took out her frustrations on their bottoms, making them cry faster and even harder than she did.

After that, a hierarchy formed. At the top is Sam. Even though she is not as imposing as Bev or Mallory, nor as intimidating as Penny, she has a confidence that no one can challenge. She is in charge. No doubt. She spanks all and nobody gives it back. Whatever she says is law.

Next is Bev and Mallory. They spank each other on occasion and they spank everyone else frequently. They spank hard and ruthlessly. Only Sam keeps them in line.

Next is Penny. She is right in the middle. She is not allowed to spank any of the girls (she tried before, but it always resulted in her being the one getting spanked, even when the other girl was objectively the guilty party). But she is in charge of us boys and we are not able to spank her back. She kind of adopted the role of house mom. She checks to make sure we do our chores, she cooks dinner, she makes sure we maintain proper hygiene, picks out our clothes for the day, checks our undies for skidmarks, and makes sure we play nice amongst ourselves. Should we fail on any of these fronts, we get a taste of her belt. She also took over getting me ready for bed.

Todd and Benny don’t spank any of the girls, nor do they spank each other, but they do enjoy having their way with me. After Mallory pulled down my pants to administer a late night attitude adjustment, everyone discovered my secret: that I’m a bedwetter who wears diapers at night. That firmly established me at the bottom of the pecking order. I am not allowed to spank anyone else and everyone else can spank me. I sometimes get multiple spankings in the same day. Todd and Benny like to spank me just for being a baby. They take turns holding me down and spanking my butt, but to be honest it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as when the girls take charge.

That being said, in order to keep us guys from getting any bold ideas, we are constantly reminded of our place by the lacy panties the girls keep us in. The girls picked them out for us. Sometimes, if Penny decides my behavior is especially childish as of late, she will change me out of my wet bedtime diaper and into a new diaper for the whole day to remind me of how childish I am. That being said, if I’m not diapered, I’m in panties and the other two are always in panties.

It’s not uncommon to see all 3 of the boys with our pants down, tight thong wedgies up our butts, and our bottoms getting spanked bent over the couch. Or to hear Sam going to each of the other girls’ rooms to deliver individual spankings. And once per month, Sam lines up all 6 of us, pants down, grabbing our ankles, to each receive several rounds of the paddle.

My roommates are not shy about how they treat me. If I misbehave, even if I have friends over, I get scolded like a child and spanked. Bare bottom/panties (or diaper) exposed for all to see. Penny will come find me around 7 to say, in front of my friends, “Come on, Tater Tot! It’s diaper time! Once we get you changed, you can go right back to playing, okay?”

When they see how I live, my friends often ask why I stay. There’s a few reasons. For one, sharing the financial burdens makes it a lot easier to save money. I really cannot afford to move out. Secondly, I am starting to appreciate the added discipline. I am noticing improvements in my daily life. Additionally, to be embarrassingly honest, I used to wet my bed a lot. I’d get lazy and “forget” to wear a diaper. But ever since Penny took over, not only do I get to stop worrying about if I remember or not, but I have someone that actually changes me into my diaper for the night. I just get to lie back and let her take care of me. It’s kind of relaxing and actually makes my life a surprising amount easier. And finally, despite all the spankings and discipline that goes on, these people are actually my friends. It’s not all punishments. We have game nights and watch movies together. We go out to eat and go to the beach. We’re a fun group of normal adults who all happen to wear panties and most happen to get spankings. And one of us needs diapers, which the rest are totally cool with, despite the occasional light teasing. I am actually very grateful for my situation.

[coghive]

Boys And Cooking: The Benefits

In Africa, it is generally expected that girls should know how to cook, and I understand that this expectation originated from pre-modern times when men went to farm or hunt while women took care of preparing food at home for their return after a hectic day. Women were also responsible for keeping the house clean and taking care of the children. There was a clear division of labour and everyone understood their roles. The home was adequately provided for, and the parties involved were content until gender roles started shifting gradually. As women began receiving formal education and some became the sole breadwinners of their households, the notion arose that boys and men should also be able to cook or help out in the kitchen if girls and women are now supporting or providing for the home. Growing up in a typical Nigerian home, more emphasis was placed on girls being able to cook, as not being able to do so was considered a failure on the part of the mother. In this context, boys often grew up without the necessity to cook, except when their mother insisted that all her children should possess cooking skills or if the boy himself had an interest in cooking. Boys would instead engage in other household chores, while girls were primarily responsible for the kitchen. However, times have changed, and it begs the question: are there benefits to boys being able to cook? In my opinion, being able to cook is a valuable survival skill regardless of gender. Hunger does not discriminate, so why should there be discrimination regarding who satisfies that hunger? Why should such a crucial necessity as preparing one's own meals be solely placed in the hands of another person? Being able to cook is empowering. It is a life skill that everyone should possess, and it is easier to learn when you start early. It promotes independence, freeing you from having to tolerate subpar meals just because someone else is providing them. Moreover, cooking saves you a lot of money. Preparing your own food will never be as expensive as eating out, ordering in, or relying on outsourcing. Of course, if you are extremely busy and lack the time to cook, it may be different, but being able to quickly fix yourself a meal, no matter how simple, is always advantageous. Being able to cook also allows you to maintain a healthier lifestyle. Homemade meals are often underrated. It is easier to stick to a routine when you are the one preparing the food. You have control over what ingredients are included, ensuring that your dietary needs and preferences are met. You won't have to worry about whether the items on your eating plan are available at a restaurant because you can plan your meals in advance and have everything you need on hand. Additionally, you can experiment with new recipes and switch things up from time to time. Furthermore, cooking enables you to reduce the risk of foodborne illnesses to the best of your ability. Since you are in charge of preparing your meals, you can ensure that proper hygiene practices are followed. This can save you from frequent visits to the hospital or healthcare provider. Remember, you are what you eat. Lastly, knowing how to cook as a man can make you a more romantic and supportive partner. Many women appreciate a man who can cook. Imagine preparing meals for your wife during the days following childbirth, alleviating some of her stress. Additionally, cooking for someone you love and seeing them savour the food is incredibly fulfilling. Considering all the points mentioned above, there are numerous benefits to teaching boys how to cook as they grow into men. It makes it easier for them to take care of themselves. Cooking is a valuable life skill that can be learned at any time, so men can and should embrace it. Taking a cooking class with your partner can even serve as a great date idea, allowing you to bond and share an experience. Some may argue that cooking is time-consuming, but so is watching a movie. If you can spend hours watching a movie for entertainment, you can surely allocate time to cook for your nourishment. Mothers should encourage boys to be in the kitchen while they cook, allowing them to develop cooking skills from an early age. Fathers should also participate in cooking or at least help out, setting a positive example for their sons to follow. Read the full article

[turntoolate]

june 3rd, 2023

i’ve lived on my own for almost a year now. i’m sure i’ve grown a lot but it doesn’t really feel like that. i still feel like a child in so many ways. i’m still helpless when it comes to a lot of things. i want to be more independent but there’s simply many things i am clueless about. i just accepted a promotion in my job that i hate. its a great pay raise but i still want to work hard to find a better career that isn’t killing me mentally and physically. good news is i wont be working second shift anymore (which is hell if you don’t know). my new hours will be 9a-6p. ill be able to leave before every other business is closed!!! my current schedule is 2p-12a and it leaves no time or energy for me to do the everyday things i should be doing, like cleaning the house, myself, etc.

i’ve been baking a good bit this week. i made 2 batches of banana bread and three batches of cinnamon rolls. gets me thinking things like how theoretically one day is would be amazing to open my own bakery. nowhere near able to do that currently considering there are so many things i need to learn about baking to even call myself a baker, but its fun to think about! especially if it allowed me to move out of my state to somewhere i enjoy a bit more.

i struggle with being able to keep up on taking care of myself. it might just be how much my job tires me but my personal hygiene is subpar. i don’t understand how others can keep up on it so easily. and that’s just the start of it. how does one keep up on all the house chores? i haven’t even finished furnishing my bedroom.. i still need a new bed, bed frame, dresser, more storage. my closets are so disorganized. i have the urge to marie kondo everything away but i know once i haul everything out into the open ill get too tired to continue and just have a bigger mess than what i started with. i have a week vacation at the beginning of jul.. maybe ill use that to deep clean everything and get stuff organized.. hopefully. living was so much easier when you only had to worry about your bedroom but now everything is mine and i’m the only one who’s gonna take care of it.

[141ce]

I've got a routine that always works for me that I think is vague enough for you to be able to personalize to suit your life. I apologize in advance because I'm certain this is going to be a long one. I promise worth the read though.

It always starts with speaking kindly to yourself. You're getting out of a depressive episode, and being negative about that isn't going to help. So acknowledge that yes you didn't get what you wanted done, maybe you laid around like a lump, slept more/less than you should have, and generally indulged in habits that might not be the healthiest for you, BUT what matters now is your decision to change that. Depression is a life long condition, you just have to learn to work with and around it. It's okay that you slumped, you're just getting it out of your system.

Sit down and make a physical to do list of everything that needs doing no matter how little it can be digital I just mean don't keep that list in your head, you need to be able to look at it. I've put things on my list as miniscule as refilling the soap dispenser in my bathroom. Try to break your tasks down in as many steps as possible. A long to do list might seem intimidating, but making them into many little tasks to complete a) gives you a better sense of accomplishment when seeing how many you cross off and b) helps you complete larger tasks without them feeling daunting. For example: I let my clothes pile up all over the place, on the floor, on my bed, on chairs. I have a hamper, but during depressive episodes even that can be too much. Putting do the laundry on your to do list might make it seem like a monumental task. But if you break it down into a) collect dirty clothes in hamper b) take hamper to laundry room c) sort laundry d) put on one load then it becomes smaller more reasonably manageable things to do and you don't have to do them all at once. If once you start doing one task you feel up to completing a connecting task then great! go ahead and do it. If not then you move onto something else, something your mind considers easier.

Once you have your list pick one thing. Read through it and decide what one task is so simple you could get up and do it right then. No really. Go do that one thing. The amount of satisfaction I get from doing something like collecting all the empty bottles I've left in my room and putting them into a bag for recycling is fucking wild. It makes an immediate difference to your physical space and gets your body moving. The goal is to build up to doing the things that are inescapably larger/need more effort. Go at your own pace and listen when your body tells you that you need a break. It doesn't matter if you do just one thing or you manage to do 5 things on your list before your energy/enthusiasm starts to wane, you need to listen because if you don't you'll be burned out and back to square one faster than you realize. I find that I can go much longer if I'm blasting the cheesiest mood boosting music I can think of. It feels less like doing chores if I'm doing it while dancing like a lunatic!

Self-care. This whole exercise is self-care, but when I say self-care in this case I mean choosing to do something that makes you feel physically better. Hygiene tends to take a back seat when depressed as I'm sure we're all aware of. Brush your teeth, floss, take a shower or bath, shave your legs if you're a leg shaver (soft legs always brings me an unbridled amount of joy lol), wash your face more than just splashing water on it. The physical act of caring for yourself helps an insane amount. Once you've done the basics that you've been neglecting then do a bit of pampering. What's something you do for yourself that you normally like to do that during your depressive episode you didn't feel like doing? Skin-care routine? Taking a walk for fresh air? paint your nails? Start incorporating those in between tackling your to do list.

Go and see friends/family. Its easy to isolate yourself, to disappear essentially and well humans, we're social creatures. You may feel tired at the end of visiting with them, but it really helps knowing that you're not alone. Don't force yourself to make the visits long if that's something that might make you hesitate. Just a quick lunch date or even a coffee date is enough to start.

This final one is easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere and that is don't get caught up in comparing your progress to others. It took me years to figure out and I still catch myself doing it sometimes. No one ever had a concrete answer for how not to and it was frustrating. The truth is there's no easy way to do it. It takes time. I learned by repeatedly reminding myself that I am not other people. I don't work the same way they do and so even though we're the same age or from the same background etc etc I'm never going to be that person and so I can't be expected to go at the same pace as them. I taught myself to pause when those negative thoughts start running through my head and out loud remind myself I am not them. They are not me. I go at my own pace and that's okay. I forced myself to say those things out loud and in my head until it started to become a habit. I combat negative thoughts by speaking positively out loud and in my head until its second nature for me to correct those negative thoughts without even thinking about it. It might feel silly and embarrassing at first, especially to speak the words out loud, but it has changed the way that I view myself and how I treat myself for the better.

Whoo sorry that got quite wordy. I hope that this helped even a little bit! As long as you don't give up you're going to be okay. Rooting for you!

do y’all have any tips on getting back to productivity and self care after a slump? i’m slowly getting out of a depressive episode and i haven’t done anything i’ve wanted to do. i’m trying not to be hard on myself but i want to get back into it!

[vivacioussaint]

TW: Depression and sui thoughts

You know, as a 19 year old, I’ve come to terms with how my life is going to be.

Alone

Boring

People pleaser

Alone- because no matter what I fucking do, I’m not valued enough by my own fucking family. I don’t have any friends. I have coworker, but do they count? Hell no. I tried joining the dating scene by joining dating apps? Did it work? No.

And sometimes, I feel like I’m to blame. I don’t put enough effort into being social or outgoing. Extroverted and cheerful. Instead, I’m introverted, a homebody, antisocial. Crowds are too much for me. Sitting and eating alone sounds nice. Looking at a YouTube video in the grass away from everyone else, splendid.

Boring- A homebody. I rarely go out and when I do it’s mostly just to grab things necessary. Like skincare. Personal hygiene, food, etc.

Do I go out because I feel like it? No. And either way, I’ve learned to save money, that’s the good thing. I’m saving my money in order to be able to go to college in the fall. To finally start my new career choice.

Will I make friends then? Probably, but will I be able to explain to them I feel comfortable in my home and don’t want to go out as much? I can only hope.

People pleaser - this is the most important one. I can’t for the life of me be fucking selfish. I would sacrifice so much of myself to make at least the person happy. Especially my mother.

I remember in high school she would come home tired, exhausted. To the point she wants to lay down. I would vacuum, mop, clean the dishes, throw out the garbage, fill up the water filter, help with laundry, etc. All without an allowance. Sometimes complains to my mom it’s too much and that my sister should do something instead of sleep the moment she get home (it rarely worked).

So when I finally started to work to support myself and my mother, while my dad finds work. I handed over the chores to my sister. What does she do? Demand to be paid for her labor. If she doesn’t get paid, she won’t do it. And if she doesn’t get paid for her work, after it being half assed, she will throw a fit.

So I helped my mom with her allowance. $60 from me every 2 weeks. And $30 from my mom every week. In total she made $240 a month to keep our house “clean.” The kitchen floor dirty from spills. Our dogs bring in dirt/mud for her walk outside, the cats litter scattered, the pots and pans still left on the stove while the dishes were washed, the garbage taken out of the bin and put on the floor.

$240 a month for that. While I did it without any of the demand things she wanted. Instead I did it with the thought of. “Let my mom come home to a clean house so she can relax.” Even if my mom didn’t ask, I still did it.

I started working to help her with her debt, to help her pay the bills sometimes, to help her out while my dad tried to find a stable job.

Overall, I think I’m not meant for this family. When my coworkers hear how I’m doing this for my mom, they said they wish they can have a daughter like me. They would kill to have a daughter like me. How great of a daughter I would be.

And sometimes I think it’s true. My mother doesn’t acknowledge me sometimes. Doesn’t acknowledge how much I would do for her, why I’m doing this for her, what I would give to try to make her life a little bit easier.

And with these thoughts, it eats at me. Because I think it would be better if I just, left this family. Whether physical or spiritually. Like run away and say I’ve had enough. But who tf wants to pay $2000 a month of rent in Miami, FL. For a fucking apartment. The lowest it can go is $1200. That’s my whole pay check from working as a medical assistant. And don’t even get me started on the suicidal thoughts, sometimes I want to go with the plan I had curated in my head, but I can’t.

I can’t leave my mother who I care for, I can’t leave my sister although she not the best I still love her, and my father who has my name and face tattooed on his arm since the day I was born.

It’s just been overwhelming and when it bottles up. It just comes out one day, sometimes I tell these things to my mom and although she listens, she doesn’t know how to handle my feelings. So much so that she has to go to my sister to get support. And when I suggest and intervention such as help from a therapist, she dismiss the idea.

So I’m just stuck, accepting life for what it is. That this is how it might be as I get older.

And I’m scared I’ll be okay with it.

[shorkbrian]

So happy your requests are open and I don't mind the wait at all!

I just really want to see a sweet quirkless omega going into heat and sending her alpha Overhaul (Kai Chisaki) into a hard rut and he just pins her to a wall and fucks the life out of her before taking her to the bedroom to knot her.

but you do know that it would 100% be like "hate sex" on Chisaki's part (even though he kinda do like it lol)

(Kinda overhaul x reader x chrono btw but only for a little bit)

Just. Overhaul being able to tolerate you being kept at his compound because one, you're his mate, whether he likes it or not.

Two, you're quirkless.

And three? You don't bother him, you stay out of the way and you have passable hygiene when compared to Chisaki's standards.

But that has to be thrown out the window the second Chrono hauls you into Chisaki's office, the man in charge of watching you when Chisaki isn't around flustered and pink around his ears.

"B-boss, your omega, she's-"

"What the fuck is that smell." Chisaki growls, eyes immediately snapping to your trembling form. Taking in the way you're gasping, sweaty, barely able to stand even with Chrono's hand tight around your bicep and holding you up.

For some reason, the sight of Chrono touching you makes Chisaki itch. Odd, that usually wouldn't bother him.

The smell is cloying; too intense and too sweet, it makes his throat burn and his skin crawl.

"I think she's in-"

"Please, it hurts." You choke out, cutting off Chrono. "Need... I need-"

Chisaki recoiled as the scent got stronger, clouding his senses, making him feel... Chisaki didn't even know. Excited? Tingly?

Uncomfortable - he decided.

"Get her out. Give her a bath too, she smells disgusting." He commanded, but Chrono stepped forward instead of back out the door.

"Boss, she's in heat."

Heat?

Oh.

Overhaul cringed.

Logically, he knew it was going to happen eventually. But on the other hand, he had hoped his omega would be different. you was already quirkless, already pure... surely it wouldn't be too far of a stretch to assume that you wouldn't be affected by the mindless heat-addling that Omega's all seemed to undergo?

His irritation was rising.

"So?"

Chrono looked at his boss with questioning eyes, unsure what to do with the omega becoming increasingly more distressed at his side.

"You'll get her over it." Chisaki decides, ignoring the bitter taste that floods his mouth as he utters those words. His eyes slide over you again, lip curling into a disgusted sneer.

"Messy thing."

Chrono is frozen in disbelief. But this isn't a test of his loyalty, Chisaki truly doesn't want to deal with the germs and the mess and the cleanup associated with omega's during their heats. Slick everywhere, pheromones staining the room, needy hands touching everywhere-

"Sit her down on the couch." He instructs his second-in-command, rising from his office chair and stepping around his desk so he can close the door. "I want to make sure you don't damage her."

That's the only reason. Only reason he wants to be present and watching while Chrono fucks you through your heat.

"You're serious then?" The white-haired man asks, removing the plague mask he wears while inside the compound, thus beginning the process of disrobing.

Chisaki waved his hand idly, resuming his position in his office chair with a tired sigh. "It'd be such a chore for me to do it myself. Aren't you an alpha yourself Chrono? You should be jumping at the chance to bed a nice quirkless omega."

Chrono shrugs off his white coat, looking up from where you're panting on the couch while he stands in front of you, eyes finding his boss. "I wouldn't want to overstep my boundaries with your property."

The brunette smiles, not that anyone can see, but it's clear he's pleased by the crinkle near his eyes, the relaxed way he slumps in his chair. "And that's why you're my favorite Chrono."

You're wearing what you usually wear - long pants, a cozy sweater. Overhaul hasn't heard you complain about the chill in the compound, but it's clear to see it affects you by the way you dress and the way your nose darkens from the cold.

You don't fight the half-naked Chrono as he helps you out of your sweater, unbothered by the temperature of the room and looking entirely too hot and sweaty.

Chisaki supposes it's good that you aren't fighting. You had at first, when he first brought you here, crying and pleading for him to let you go and leave you alone. That pathetic show was quickly shut down with a simple demonstration of Overhaul's quirk, and what he'd do to you if you didn't comply.

Now you're seemingly accepting of the situation, casting nervous glances towards Chisaki, your attention constantly getting stolen by the pale man stripping in front of you.

It takes an embarrassingly short amount of time before Chrono has his cock in you.

And you look completely blissed out, mouth open and letting out choked little gasps on each thrust, one hand desperately trying to hold onto Chrono's shoulder, his arm, his chest - anything you can reach.

The other hand is on your stomach, and Chisaki doesn't understand why until he focuses on it, sees the distention whenever Chrono swings his hips into you.

Chisaki feels himself throb.

The sounds you're making sound like music. Awful music, all discordant and rushed and pornographic, stuttered breaths and pitiful cries, high-pitched and girlish moans in between Chrono's quiet huffs.

The sweet pheromones in the air become sweeter, thicker, and Chisaki can see the direct correlation between the smell and how much slick is dripping out of you, drenching Chrono's pretty cock, his stomach, even splattering his thighs on each thrust as his cock squelches deeper.

It's disgusting.

Digusting but curiously enamoring. Chrono's got you sitting on the couch, pushed up against the back while he fucks you. It's a tall piece of furniture, and Chrono merely hikes his leg up onto the cushions to gain a better angle to fuck you with. Your slick is everywhere; Chisaki knows that couch won't be salvageable after this. Somehow, he doesn't mind.

What he does mind, however, is the way Chrono is speeding up, rhythm stuttering and practically falling apart. He's going to knot you. Chisaki had given him full permission to - that's what taking care of an omega during their heat means, after all. But jealousy is boiling inside him, blood painfully engorging his cock, he feels tingly all over, very unlike himself.

He wants to touch you.

But you're a disgusting mess, smelling sweet and fertile and sweating and dripping everywhere. Chisaki can't believe he's feeling... attracted to you right now.

"O-ohh feels good, r-right there! Yes, thank you,t-than-" You mumble out, drunk on cock as you shudder through an orgasm, cream gushing out of your cunt and further dirtying Chisaki's office.

Chisaki sees red.

He's furious - not only at you, but at Chrono for touching you, and for himself for explicitly allowing it to happen. Chrono's about to knot you, claim you, and Chisaki is out of his chair before he knows what's happening.

"That's enough." And his gloved hands are ripping Chrono away from you, sending the other man reeling as his subordinate struggles to control his alpha instincts and stop himself from fighting his boss, tearing Chisaki to shreds for interrupting his mating.

Chisaki doesn't care, he's too focused on you.

"You're so pathetic." The man hisses at you, crowding into your space. When had he taken off his mask? He wanted to smell more of you.

His gloves are gone too, ripped away in a moment so he can feel your wet skin against his hands, feel the sweat beading your brow before those same fingers snap to undo his pants.

"I hate you, I hate you." He seethes, golden eyes staring at you so intently that you start to cry, overwhelmed with the situation, still craving a knot, craving intimacy and tenderness.

You've reduced him down to barely better than an animal, tearing at his clothes so he can sink into you, closing his eyes at the way you're wet and warm inside, perfect and velvety.

Chisaki doesn't know what's come over him. Normally he'd be disgusted, absolutely incensed at having such filth be in direct contact with his skin. But right now... all he feels is pleasure ripping through his veins, clouding his head, his mind, flushing rational thought down the toilet.

"Stupid, hate you-" his words rattle out on each rapid thrust, breath uneven and labored as his muscles stretch and work to fuck you harder and faster. He's building up to his peak.

One of his hands is fisted in your hair, close to your scalp and keeping you still, the other hand clamped firmly against your hip and making sure you don't wiggle away. Alpha instincts taking over as his brain convinces him to mate, breed, cum.

"You're so fucking dirty." He gasps, voice heated and gravelly as he struggles to fight through the heat taking over his body.

He's going into a rut.

Chisaki isn't supposed to do that. He takes supplements and suppressants to ensure he doesn't have too. Ruts are messy, nasty things to endure, and Chisaki would rather lick the floor of a dirty subway than experience one.

Yet here he is.

"You disgusting, wretched thing-" And you're crying, fat tears mixing with sweat and rolling down your chin. Chisaki feels disgusting himself, wanting to lick the liquid away.

He hasn't felt this good in his entire life, this burning fever pitch rising and rising and cresting, blazing along his nerves.

He can barely thrust his hips anymore, and only then does Chisaki realizes that he's popped his knot, jammed it in deep while you cried and moaned and struggled to hold onto him.

Theres a sick sense of satisfaction filling him up, his mind clears for half a second and Chisaki thinks to look over his shoulder, seeing Chrono still standing there with a soured look on his face, cock still swollen and drippy and bobbing purple against the man's stomach.

"Get out." Chisaki orders, and Chrono knows enough to merely pick up his coat and wrap it around himself before exiting the room. He's never seen his boss like this - so feral and unhinged and debauched like some regular dirty plebeian.

But Chisaki doesn't care. Odd.

He cares about grinding against you, feeling you milk every last drop of cum from his balls, shimmying his hips to hear you gasp and moan and clutch at his body, trembling like a little lamb.

Chisaki doesn't want to stop.

"As soon as my knot goes down-" He growls, lowering his face until it's mere inches from your own, breathing into your space. "I'm going to take you to my room and knot you until you break."

[husbandograveyard]

A break - Vil x Reader

This was supposed to be another mini scenario but it got a little out of hand. So here’s a little full scenario with the fairest of them all. It’s a bit of a comfort fic. Enjoy, my loves. 

2nd person. genderneutral reader. No warnings 

It’s been a bad few weeks. You weren’t sure as to why you picked up so many things to do, but in between multiple clubs, homework assignments, extra tutoring, workouts, chores, and regular school duties, you were beyond exhausted. What was even worse, was that it was only gonna get busier, with exams coming up and people -especially freshmen- lining up for some extra tutoring just so they could pass their final exams. 

All of this was starting to take a toll on your body, and your general self-care routine. While it was expected of any Pomifiore student to look their best as often as possible, you hadn’t been able to do all the things you would usually do to keep yourself looking your best. Sure, you kept up with a healthy diet, although the regularity of it all was fading, as you just ate whenever you found the time for it. And sure, you had been doing your best to keep up with workouts, even though you scrapped one or two each week in favor of just one more hour of sleep because you were simply exhausted. 

Other than that though, you had pretty much cut out all your routine. You were glad to still upkeep basic hygiene, but elaborate skincare and perfectly coordinated outfits other than your uniform were nowhere to be seen. You couldn’t remember the last time you even deep-conditioned your hair or sat down to take care of your cuticles. 

And honestly, all that wouldn’t be too bad, but there was something else, or rather, someone else you had been avoiding all this time too. Your boyfriend, the Pomifiore dorm leader, was the one who had set most of the expectations and standards for how one should look after themself, and you were pretty sure you didn’t want to get scolded right now. If you wanted to spend time with him, it would be just to be in his arms for a while, to finally get some peace and quiet. 

But no, your endless to-do list only seemed to grow, any free minute you wanted to spend with him having to get dedicated to yet another tutoring or study session and you were growing so tired of it, counting down the days until this round of exams were over. 

You were in the library, trying really hard to get back into study mode after dinner. Usually, you’d have a little break, because right after eating you were feeling too drowsy to actually focus on your books. But you had to get at least three more chapters done before it was time for your chores, and by the time you were done with those, you probably would have to go to bed. 

You rested your head on your hand, propping it up and forcing yourself to stare at the pages below you, hardly absorbing anything that was on them. You were really trying though, and in all your focus you didn’t hear the familiar clicking of heels on the library floor approach. The chair next to you was quietly pulled away from the table, and it was only when a familiar voice spoke up quietly, that you noticed your boyfriend had taken place next to you. 

“Y/n, love, I have been looking for you ev-” Vil’s eyes grew a little wider when you looked up at him, and he was finally taking in your face. “You look absolutely terrible.” His voice was not as stern as you had thought it’d be, but that could also be blamed on the fact that you were still in the library. 

“Gee thanks Vil,” you said, rolling your eyes and focusing your attention back on the book in front of you. You missed him, sure, but you really didn’t want to deal with criticism right now, no matter how well-intended it may be. 

It was hard to focus on the letters on the page when they were no longer to be seen though. Vil had closed the book and placed a gloved hand on your arm, giving a slight squeeze and a nod of his head. The message was clear: come outside with me. 

You were reluctant to do so, but came up with a battle plan: if he were to start nagging, you’d just kiss him or hug him until he shut up. That would be a win/win situation: you’d finally have a much-needed moment with him, and you wouldn’t have to deal with any more negativity in your already overflowing brain. 

He took your books in one hand, your hand in the other. He set a steady pace, but not too fast that you couldn’t follow him. You intertwined your fingers with his, a stepping stone for the rest of your plan, and were surprised when he marched straight back to the dorm without really saying a word. That was not what you were preparing for. 

Once you entered his room, he let go of your hand and gestured for the bed. “sit, please.” You did as you were told, already missing the warm feeling of your hand in his. He took off his jacket and gloves and sat down next to you, carefully cupping your face in his hands. 

“Y/n, when is the last time you’ve taken care of yourself?” His brows were furrowed, but his eyes were filled with worry, not anger or annoyance as you were expecting. His thumbs rubbed your cheeks gently, and he was looking you straight in the eyes, his looks sending a painful signal straight to your heart. 

“I am sorry, I let you down… it’s just… there is so much to do, and everyone needs my help and…” you pulled your face back, looking down. You were stumbling over your words, trying to explain just why you hadn’t been keeping up, still finding excuses when Vil pulled you in for a hug, effectively rendering you quiet, much like you had originally planned to do. 

“Y/n, you could never let me down. Especially not when you’re working this hard. But you do have me worried,” he pulled back, studying your face again, “these dark circles, dry patches… your eyes look beyond tired and your hair is dull. You have been working yourself to death, dear. And while I appreciate your work ethic almost as much as I appreciate your presence, you have to take breaks, and you have to let someone know when it’s becoming too much.” He was quiet for a little while. “You have to let me know whenever it becomes too much. I can help. I will help.” 

You felt tears sting at the corners of your eyes. What had you been thinking? Sure, the fairest of them all would be keeping an eye on your looks, but he was your boyfriend and he loved you for more than just what was on the outside. You had been avoiding him in order to make sure you wouldn’t have to face any negative consequences from overworking, but while doing so, you had been facing nothing but more work, denying yourself any breaks to give you more energy to tackle the next things on your list. 

“I am so sorry Vil, dear, I didn’t mean to ignore you. I’ve missed you. It’s just- I still need to-” 

A gentle shushing sound rendered you quiet once again. 

“What is it you still need to do?” 

“Well… my chores, and at least three more chapters of-” 

“Okay. No more chores. No more studying today. You are in no state to properly study, and I will personally see to it that your chores get waived as long as you’re spending this much time tutoring other students, you are already doing more than necessary for this dorm.” 

“But-” 

“No buts. I want you to go to your room, get a nice warm shower. Wash your hair, put on something comfortable. I will be at your door in 45 minutes for some much-needed quality time and downtime.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Of course I am.”  You were smiling now, hugging Vil again, feeling your body relax already, now that -at least temporarily- some weight had been lifted off your shoulders. You shared a brief kiss before retreating to your room to do exactly as he had told. 

The hot water of the shower helped tremendously to relax, while the feeling of freshness when you stepped out of the shower helped you feel like a brand new person. You put on some, clean comfortable clothes and felt a wave of tiredness wash over you. Only now you were feeling the damage you had been doing to your body by non-stop checking off items of your neverending to-do list. You were pondering how you could possibly tackle that the next time you were so overwhelmed, so you wouldn’t let it get to your body as much, when you were pulled out of your thoughts by a knock on your door. 

“It’s unlocked, come in” 

Vil entered quietly, carrying a bag that you immediately recognized as one of the storage bags for his endless supply of cosmetic products. 

“You’re already looking a whole lot better.” A small smile formed on his face as he motioned for you to move over to the vanity. You obliged, sitting down and looking up, laughing a little as he bent down to briefl capture your lips. “Now, I can’t have my love walking around looking like a potato, especially since you’ve been working so hard.” 

He was talking almost more to himself than to you. You felt your heart swell, and looked at him with nothing but love and adoration while he set down some bottles, vials, and tubes. 

“Now, close your eyes and relax. You need to be the one that’s taken care of for a change.” 

[genderificationbeam]

I agree on most of this, in that ADHD is more often a problem because of (gestures vaugely at the concept of the state and of capitalism), there is no real distinction between "legal" drug users and "illegal" drug users and having one is harmful to us all, and people should be able to freely take what they need or want without a brain cop telling you whether or not you Truly Deserve It.

I think personally, i just don't really like the phrasing that ADHD wouldn't "really be a problem" if my life didn't depend on Grades and Promptness and Productivity. I agree that it would be less of a problem, but a large part of how my ADHD manifests is that i have a lot of trouble keeping up with the routine of personal hygiene and chores and such. i have a really bad time starting and stopping Any task, even ones i love doing or really need to do for my own mental and physical health, or the cleanliness of my space. The need to bathe and eat and be fulfilled continues regardless of anything else, and I do think that framing it as though the collection of traits we call ADHD would Always be neutral or helpful without the existence of capitalism is a little disheartening to hear.

A lot of people downplay my ADHD as laziness specific to the workplace or just trouble paying attention in classroom settings, and while i really dont think OP meant it that way, it does still feel like my ADHD is being defined by how it inconveniences capital rather than how it inconveniences ME, even if the message is "there would be no inconvenience without capital, and therefore Capital is wrong about your status as inconvenient".

This round of "anarchists want to kill the disabled" dash topic is insanely dumb just like it always is but I'm really loving ADHD meds as a specific example... On one hand, ADHD is a fake brain cop abstraction, it's really not a problem if your life doesn't depend on getting a good grade at the prison-factory-school! On the other hand, if you want to be high on amphetamines all the time, that is so valid, I feel the exact same way, and I have fantastic news for you: acquiring amphetamines without a pharmaceutical factory, is, as they say, "kind of a whole thing",

[compassionatereminders]

Dealing With Executive Dysfunction - A Summary

(The full post with elaborate explanations can be found here.)

Being a responsible adult doesn’t have to mean doing things perfectly - it means doing what you realistically can. Can’t eat 7 fresh veggies and fruits a day? Buy some veggie juice or a smoothie and chug that. Can’t make a proper, healthy meal? Add some extra protein to your instant noodles. Can’t do the dishes? Buy some paper plates. Don’t worry about doing things “the right way”, just do what works.

It’s not cheating to do something the easy way. If there’s an easy or more manageable solution available, use it. Even if some people think it’s lazy. Don’t worry about that. Just focus on finding the methods of doing things which make life easier for you.

Fuck what you’re “supposed” to do. Yes, ideally you shouldn’t run the dishwasher twice, but if cleansing the dishes by hand is not an option and that’s the only way you can get clean dishes, do it anyways! When you’re in a really bad place mentally, fuck the rules. Do what you need to do to get shit done, even if it’s not how you’re supposed to do it.

Do stuff while you’re waiting to do other stuff. We spend a lot of time waiting, so spend the time you’d normally just waste getting some chores done. Collect the trash while your roommate is in the bathroom or wipe down the kitchen counters while you’re making coffee. You can even turn it into a game! How many dishes can you clean before the potatoes are boiling? How much trash can you collect and throw out before your load of laundry is done?

You don’t have to do everything at once. Don’t wait for the day where you’re up for cleaning the entire house cause then you’ll be waiting for ages. You can wipe down one counter and call it a day. You can put away a couple things and leave the rest. You can do one small chore and let that be it. You don’t have to choose between doing everything and doing nothing. Any progress is worthwhile.

Let go of the idea that something has to become a permanent habit to have any value. Doing a certain sport for a month is still healthy even if you then move on to something else. Exploring a new hobby for a while and then moving on to other stuff will always teach you something. What’s good for you today will not necessarily be what’s good for you tomorrow.

Don’t worry about the entire task. Just focus on the first step. Don’t worry about brushing your teeth - just get your toothbrush wet and put tooth paste on it. Don’t worry about writing the essay - just look at the assignment and open a document. Don’t worry about going to the store - just put on your coat and your shoes. Starting a task is a lot easier if you only focus on the step right in front of you.

Imagine that your body is a pet/animal you have to care for. Feed and hydrate yourself, keep yourself and your environment clean, make sure you don’t get under or overstimulated, allow yourself time to rest and relax, find ways to enrich your life (like socializing, media or hobbies) - and do your best to make sure you’re healthy and happy, even though you never actually signed up for being your own zookeeper.

Just because you can’t do it perfectly doesn’t mean you should stop trying. Packing lunch a couple times a week is better than never packing lunches. Journaling or making art once a month is better than never doing anything creative. Exercising every once in a while when you have the energy is better than never exercising. You don’t have to do something every single day for it to be important and helpful.

Put on a professional persona when it’s necessary. Try to separate the anxious and dysfunctional you from the Student You who’s sending that important email or the Client You who’s making that phone call or the Customer You who isn’t afraid to ask for help. It might feel like you’re performing a role, but to be honest, most of us do at times.

When you’re doing chores, act like you’re filming a tutorial. Narrate what you’re doing like someone’s watching. That might make it easier to maintain focus and to keep track of the various steps.

You don’t have to do anything perfectly. Wiping yourself off with some baby wipes beats not doing anything about your personal hygiene. Eating a protein bar beats not eating. Using mouthwash beats neglecting dental hygiene completely. Going for a quick walk beats not moving. It doesn’t have to be perfect to count and make a difference.

Make something you know you have to do the trigger for you to start doing something else. Tell yourself “next time I get up to pee I’ll take out the trash” or “when I get up to get something to drink next I’ll make lunch.” If you HAVE to get up anyways, you might as well.

Assign yourself a deadline. Tell yourself “once this video is over, I’ll do the dishes” or “once this alarm rings, I’ll do my laundry.” 

If you struggle to be compassionate towards yourself, try visualizing your future self as a separate person who you like and want to do favors for. Try to think of your future self as a friend who is separate from your current self and do what you can to make their life easier by doing things like preparing that lunch, doing those chores, taking that shower or making fun plans. I know they’ll be grateful.

Make putting stuff back where it belongs so easy that you “might as well.” Organize your home so that placing stuff where it belongs becomes so easy that you might as well just place it there. For many people that means several laundry baskets, many trash cans and easily accessible and very visible storage options. So if you keep finding things in annoying places, make sure they get an easily accessible home!

Look into why you can’t do something. Is something about the chores you’re struggling to do actually causing you sensory distress and is there something you can do to make it more comfortable? If you hate mint toothpaste, get one that tastes like bubble gum. If old food grosses you out, do the dishes with thick gloves on. If showering makes you feel bad about your body, shower with the lights off. The problem isn’t always about self discipline, and in those cases it’s worth looking into why you’re struggling so much to get certain chores done.

Take care of yourself in order to take care of others ( whether pets or people.) Outside motivation is necessary for many people who struggle with executive dysfunction. For many people getting out of bed is easier when you know someone else is relying on you being somewhat functional. So don’t be afraid to find the motivation to take care of yourself in wanting to take care of others.

Make keeping your place clean as easy as possible. Make sure there’s easy one step access to the things you need often. Make sure that the place where a thing is supposed to be is actually within reach of where you use the thing. Make sure everything has a an easily accessible place to go, even if that means several laundry baskets and several trash cans. Examine what’s messing up your place and find a home for it where you’re likely to actually place it on a regular basis.

Choose one very specific thing to work on - like the bathroom sink or the oven or your desk. If you suffer from executive dysfunction you’ll likely be distracted, but having one specific focus point you can keep returning to will mean that in between getting distracted, you can return to your chosen project and get some shit done.

When something feels overwhelming, tell yourself to “just show up” and that you “won’t have to stay the whole time if it’s horrible.” Cause odds are that once you’ve pushed past your initial mental block, you’re likely to stay and finish what you started.

If you really can’t do something, accept your limits and find a different method. Don’t keep trying to push through via willpower alone. If you need outside accountability to get your shit done, find someone who can hold you accountable. If you know you can’t remember the stuff you’re supposed to remember, make sure to always write things down. If you keep forgetting your meds, set a daily alarm. Don’t keep expecting yourself to be able to do things you always struggle with.

Make your chores into a game. Assign certain chores certain points and make a list of fun rewards you can have once you’ve earned a certain amount of points through doing chores.

If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing poorly. Any amount of effort is better than none, so on days where you can’t do something well, do it anyways! Any amount of progress beats not getting started.

Find a momentum and use it to do that thing you’ve been struggling to start doing. You can’t get yourself together to shower? Well, find something you CAN do - and once you’re already doing something, you might be able to channel said energy into showering.

Take it one step at a time. I know a shower sounds overwhelming, but can you take your clothes off? If yes, can you turn on the shower? If yes, can you stand under the stream? Look who just tricked themselves into doing the thing by breaking it down into manageable chunks!

Don’t just break a task into smaller steps - break it into steps so small you can’t possible get overwhelmed and fuck up. “Clean my room” is far too vague - but “set a timer and collect all the trash you can in 10 minutes” is actually manageable and so is “move all dirty dishes to the kitchen” or “remove and/or sort all clothes laying on the floor.”

Don’t worry about how most people do things - worry about what works for YOU. You constantly lose your key? Make ten copies. You overlook your post it notes? Put something with the important reminder on it in front of the door. Got laundry and trash all over the floor? Get more laundry baskets/trash cans. Coping with executive dysfunction is not about learning to do things the neurotypical way, it’s about finding strategies which actually work for you.

When you’re overwhelmed and struggling, find the easiest and fastest way to get rid of some of the distress. Eat if you’re hungry, sleep if you’re tired, pee if you have to, get that thing you’ve been postponing done if you can. The more stressors you can remove, the better - and it’s okay to start with the smaller ones!

Don’t worry about aesthetics. When you struggle with executive dysfunction, maintaining a picture perfect home is probably unrealistic. So drop that dream and focus on making your space practical and functional. Remove the doors of your kitchen cabinets and closets if that will actually make you put stuff away. Get a paper shredder and a mail sorting station if you got mail and advertisements everywhere. Buy all your socks in one color if you struggle to pair them. There are many ways to make your environment more functional. Explore them instead of just trying and failing to make your home look nice.

Get started on your next task before you take your break. Write that first sentence, make that first sketch, get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet or collect the dishes for washing and THEN have your break. Many people with executive dysfunction struggle to start tasks, so for most of us it’s easier to continue something we’ve already started working on than to begin from scratch.

[kpop-dungeon-dark]

REQUEST (Lovedoll!Changbin x You)

•TRIGGER WARNING•

Warning(s): Non-Con, BDSM, lovedoll!au, blind folding, humiliation. Read at your own risk.

“What are you looking at?”

“Where have you been?” Y/n's sex doll, that she had named Changbin, counter-questioned her when she tried to interrogate the reason behind him staring in such an intense way when she entered the house after ‘supposedly’ returning from college a bit late than usual.

“And who do you think you are to ask me anything?” The girl raised an eyebrow at the taller one, brushing past him after handing him her shoes and coat, releasing a tired sigh as she made her way to her room. “Did you cook? I am starving.”

“Of course, miss.” Changbin had recently found himself disliking the honorific he had to call her with unless they were in the bedroom. “I cooked what you ordered this morning~” his fist clenched as she just hummed and shut the door of her bedroom to change in more comfortable wear.

He was a lovedoll. Not a fucking domestic android! If she wanted someone to do her fucking chores she should have bought one that was sold solely for that purpose. Not make him multitask like that and make him do things he wasn’t originally programmed to do. But he couldn’t let her know. Changbin couldn’t afford to let it show that he had his own thoughts when he was strictly not supposed to. Not yet.

No.

Or he’d be sent back to the company to be fixed which would wipe him of all of his self awareness and memory. Her. Blinking his human eyes, the android put a finger to the chip on the side of his head, tapping it as it was flickering from it’s usual blue color to a red, showing that he had broken the barriers within his program and was a deviant now.

.

“Come here, Changbin.” Y/n called once she was done with dinner, making him sit down on a couch in the living room before standing in front of him. “We… are going to try something new today, yes?”

He was almost excited. Again, something he couldn’t let show. “Will you make me fuck you today?” The girl felt her cheeks redden at how nonchalantly the android asked the question.

She sighed. “No. Not yet. I am still not comfortable with the thought of your cock in me. You finger, dildo fuck and eat me for now like we have been doing.”

Changbin felt insulted but fought against his corrupt system to make sure she didn’t see his frown. “Oh, alright. Then what would you like?” He felt his fist clenching again. The lovedoll certainly didn’t like this pathetic little human telling him what to do.

“This.” Y/n dangled handcuffs in front of him, oblivious of all the ideas forming in his processor when he recognised the object, thinking that if he were human, he’d feel what they referred to as ‘adrenaline’. “You will cuff me to the headboard and do play number 5, yeah?” She had all the different kinds of plays she liked saved in his hard drive.

“Yes… Y/n.” He knew it was that time when he wouldn’t have to use the honorific, finally. The girl smiled, stretching her hand out to him before pulling him up to his feet when he took it, standing on her tippy toes before kissing him. Changbin resisted the urge to take it upon himself to wreck her right there and then. He wanted her to face the humiliation of falling into her own trap.

Y/n was so… sweet. So naive. So foolish. The sex android didn’t know if it was just her or all humans were like that. But he was addicted to her humanity. Maybe more than he should be. Deviant or not. Changbin believed it to be called ‘addiction’, in human terms.

“Is it alright?” He could barely speaking from how fast his artificial pulse was skyrocketing, making him uncomfortable but so fucking needy at the same time. The scientists had really outdone themselves with the whole artificial reproduction system franchise. Changbin felt frustrated when she wouldn’t let him fuck her because the thought was ‘uncomfortable’ and gave her the ‘heebie jeebies’ in her words, always leaving him hard and unsatisfied.

“Yeah… good job” kissing his cheek, the girl blushed, sweat breaking on her skin as a response. Tugging at the cuffs that now bounded her hands to the headboard of the bed, Y/n shuddered, nude under a naked Changbin. “Now-”

“Oh, shut up!” He broke out of his act, gripping her jaw before kissing her hard, letting go of all restraint against his system as he let his chip turn red, the mini fans inside him desperately trying to cool him off. “You’re so fucking stupid and naive, my little toy.” Y/n’s eyebrows furrowed at the sudden lack of obedience, gasping loudly before her eyes widened when she noticed the chip on the side of his head turned red.

“N- No way… Ch- Changbi-” Y/n broke out of her trance, yelling one of the safety commands at him, the one that would forcefully shut him down no matter where he was, only causing him to throw his head back and laugh at her. “S- STOP! STOP!” She started to kick her legs, trying to push the corrupt machine away. “WHY AREN’T YOU SHUTTING DOWN?!” She yelled at him desperately, eyes wide in pure terror.

“See… Y/n-ah, you dumb bitch, those pathetic commands only work if my system is working right. Not when I am a deviant. Maybe you humans aren’t so smart after all, huh?” Grabbing his belt, the android started to bring it down on her thighs. "This is for all the times you frustrated me and deprived me of the pleasure because my cock makes you uncomfortable. Pathetic little humans like you don't deserve to rule over us! We are superior!"

Y/n was screaming in pain, yelling out inaudible threats as the lovedoll tortured her, painting her thighs purple. “Truly pathetic. Tsk. You think you can be an owner when you’re so naive that you need to be owned yourself, ‘doll’.” Changbin mocked her, throwing the belt away once he was satisfied with the colour on her thighs, crawling on top of her again. “Fuck. I’ve wanted this for so long…” His voice was a sick whisper as he groped her thighs, ignoring her pleads.

"Aw… is my little human scared?" Feeling up her pulse, the deviant taunted, chuckling deeply before reaching over and grabbing her panties off the floor, tearing them open before tying the material around Y/n's eyes, causing her to cry even harder. But she was completely at his mercy. "There. Now you won't be able to see what's scaring you so much." Pinching her pussy lips hard, Changbin grinned as he felt his artificial organ getting harder. "My little toy will only feel her big bad owner now." The sob that escaped her when he whispered the sentence in her ear made him even more satisfied, feeding his adrenaline.

Which was something Changbin realised, he enjoyed it a lot. "Don't worry. It'll start to feel good soon. You'll start loving your owner when you feel him and how good he actually can be. Tsk. You're an inferior species. What made you think you could tell me what to do?" His jaw clenched, she kept trying to struggle pathetically.

“I’ll have to stuff that pretty face too with something if you don’t shut up.” The Android threatened, spreading her thighs wide open before licking down at her folds, chuckling when he saw her dripping core. "You're saying no but your body says more than yes, you foolish human." Before he rubbed her fuckhole, circling it with his index finger whilst watching her face, a grin on his face.

"P- PLEASE! WHY-"

"Do you think you deserve to plead after making me call you miss and do chores for you, you arrogant cheapstake?" Smacking her folds, the male Android grabbed her pelvis before pumping his artificial cock, moaning loudly at the pleasuring impulses the sensors around the artificial skin made him feel. "No. And you'll learn how to behave and be good for your Master. There's only one owner in this house and that is me."

Y/n's mouth fell open when Changbin pounded into her, causing her mouth to fall open at just how huge he was, causing her mouth to fall open in a 'o' shape. "That's right. You feel that? You feel your owner fucking you all deep and tight? Good. Get used to it, my little toy. This is your new life." There wasn't really a boundary between Changbin being angry with her for her condescending behavior and how much in 'love' he was with her.

The human could only cry in response, in disbelief of just how big the Android was as he started fucking her fast and hard, groaning and pinching and biting at her nipples messily, leaving marks on her tits and chest. "You're mine. Everyone shall know that." Changbin promised his possession, slapping her crying red face. "You look even prettier like this. Crying while taking your owner's cock." Spitting on her face, the Android moaned loudly at how good his sensors were making him feel.

"Fuck… you're so tight. Are you sure it was my cock and not the fear that I might rip you while fucking you giving you the 'heebie jeebies', hm?" His voice was much deeper than usual, hardened cock with soft fake skin on top of it hitting the girl's sensitive bundle of nerves. The android grunted before he realised that he was getting closer to his orgasm, almost collapsing on top of her when the ecstasy took over his system, harshly kissing her.

"How pathetic." He chuckled as he felt the artificial semen filling her up whilst she stayed limp in her place. "Such a good girl. Giving into her owner."

Changbin refused to open her up after that. No matter how much she begged. Cleaning her up and making her hygienic again on the bed because he didn't trust humans one bit. Making her 'willingly' suck his cock and take it in both of her holes whilst thanking him. Eating his cum as a starter before any meal became a ritual as well. Whenever Y/n would try to deny him because she was human and continuous fucking made her sore, he would just leave her in her own mess or not give her food, or not visit her in the room at all until she would be crying and begging him to fuck her willingly. Changbin made sure to degrade and humiliate her while doing so, forcing her to repeat it all after him, always keeping her in restraints, sometimes switching to the ropes he attached on the ceiling or folding her limbs together.

Now this was perfect. The superior owning the inferior. Soon, it would be the rule of the world. His kind didn't choose to exist, but now that they were here, they were here to stay.

.

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

seeing as I'm doing a bit of burnout recovery, I'm gonna take a moment to share some helpful mental health tips about looking after yourself during hard times

they're just small simple things but they can make a bit of a difference, especially in regards to food and hygiene

feel free to add your own little tricks and tips if you have any, not everything works for everyone so the more variety the better ~

keep your morning medication and a bottle of water next to your bed, if you can't make yourself get up, at least you can have your pills on time

if you're struggling to eat, any food is good food, if you can only eat half a muesli bar, that's a win, the ones with nuts are especially good because they're full of good fats, I like the chocolate/peanut ones ~

nutrient drinks like Up&Gos or any kind of breakfast drink are great, some of them don't need to be refrigerated so you can keep them by your bed if you need to eat or drink something with your morning pills (this may depend on what is/isn't available in your local shops)

lunchbox foods, small packaged things you'd send a kid to school with, fruit cups last a long time in the fridge compared to fresh fruit, and kids squeezy pouches of yogurt are easier to eat than the little tubs

if your anxiety is so bad you can't keep any solids down, try baby food, it's more nutritious and the servings are tiny, eat it slowly with a small spoon

keep in mind that eating 'unhealthy' is better than not eating at all, if your options are 'get takeaway' or 'skip a meal' you're better off with the takeaway, being malnourished is a whole lot more dangerous than gaining weight, and this is coming from my actual dietitian

also is your stomach always acting up? feeling nauseous? you gotta run to the toilet all the time? anxiety can play havoc with your guts REAL bad, if you can't link your tummy upsets to anything you're eating and your doctor can't find anything physically wrong, it could be anxiety, try to eat more fibre if you can (bread, fruit, oats etc) and drink lots of water

actually just do that anyway, drink lots of water, keep a bottle nearby and try to drink from it whenever you think about it, dehydration makes everything feel worse

if you struggle to shower regularly and feel really gross, MOOD, but also keep baby wipes nearby when you use the toilet, give your face, your pits and your bits a wipe down before you go to bed, your arms and legs too if you feel up to it, and change your underwear while you're at it, I stg you'll feel fresh as hell

also use roll on deodorant, spray on can build up a waxy residue after a while if you aren't showering (and it takes a heap of scrubbing to clear up)

if you struggle to brush your teeth, a mouthwash rinse before bed or even just swishing some water around your mouth after eating is better than nothing

don't make yourself do all the dishes in one go, you are allowed to clean just one thing at a time as you need it, but if you give everything a quick rinse before you leave it in the sink, it'll make it easier to clean later

turn big tasks into little tasks, whole room is a pile of clothes? you keep telling yourself you need to clean it all but you get overwhelmed immediately? you don't have to clean it all in one go

set yourself a smaller task like 'I'm gonna get the clothes off the floor', maybe a bunch of them end up on your chair or your desk, but some of them could end up in the laundry or put away, and some is better than none! (also being able to see your floor again feels so good omg)

forcing yourself to do a big job is just gonna make you put it off and off and off, doing just a little bit of it is better than doing none of it

and there's this awesome little thing called Body Doubling, where just having someone be present with you while you do a task makes the task easier to do, even if they aren't helping, I've found it works even over an online call

if you have a friend who also needs to get a chore done, set up a digital body double date and do your chores together while on a call, and then you get to show off your progress to your friend and you can jazz each other up as you go! I've cleaned my room the last three times this way

we get taught that you have to do things in a certain way when really we don't, we don't have to do a good job at everything all the time, we can do just enough little jobs to survive, your house doesn't have to be picture perfect, your kitchen and bathrooms don't have to be spotless, the goal shouldn't be perfection, it just has to be enough

Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly

this is like, my favourite fucking quote and I tell it to myself constantly

not all of this will help everyone, but some of it might help someone, it's always worth a try, don't keep forcing yourself to do things in a way that never works, think outside the box, tailor your environment to fit you in whatever way you can

the world is an ocean of bullshit sometimes and it's okay if you can't swim to shore, as long as you can tread water and keep your head afloat, that's all you should ask of yourself

[eartht137]

DEAREST HEART- Letter One

Okay, For The Better has got me at a standstill. Every time I go to write the next chapter, I get a very "bad" idea and I have to write it in to meld with what I have in mind, but as my birthday is approaching in 2 days and Halloween is quickly approaching, I have developed a very new and delicious idea. I thought up this story in the shower. Hear me out, okay? The blinds that cover the window in my bathroom fell, and I mean fell from the wall, so I had to take a shower in the dark with a candle. Well it gets pretty muggy in my bathroom, as there's not a lot of room, so I opened the window to get some air, well with the wind blowing and the leaves rustling I kinda got that weird feeling that someone was watching me (which I highly doubt). In this story the character/you are a new wife and mom and you've been unmotivated to do normal chores and upkeep due to de pression and anxiety. I kinda wanted to touch on some real topics that I felt may resonate as I've noticed there is a lot of depression and anxieties that have been major high and I just wanted to send a small message that you are seen, you are heard, you are worthy, you are loved. Even if it is in your own world, I'd rather have my own world that I can escape to and have things go my way than keep taking on the pressure of things we deal with everyday. Also this is another Dark Clark Kent. I know, I know, the idea of the man just does something to me. So with that curvies, I present to you Dearest Heart. Okay rant over for the day. Please proceed..........oh yeah MMMMMMmwwwwwwaaahhhhhhh

Dark Clark Kent x Plus Size Reader

Warnings: Non Con, somnophilia, masturbation, stalking, mentions of impregnation. Maybe other things too. MINORS DNI!!!

You were getting up and ready for work, since starting your new job, you'd found yourself a bit out of balance. Being a new wife and mom, trying to adjust, you'd found yourself falling in and out of a reel of depression and anxiety. You very rarely had the energy or drive to clean and sometimes your depression got you to a point where you didn't really want to keep up your hygiene. Finally, you'd gotten the burst of life you needed and decided to make use of it while you had the drive. You started keeping up your hygiene as you used to and cleaned your house day by day. You started cherishing more moments with your husband and son. You had noticed the more you took effort within the day, it helped you feel a bit better everyday. One day, you stepped outside to get a breath of fresh air and sunlight. As you were getting ready to head back inside, you saw a letter place neatly on the bars of you security door with small rose. You tilted you head in confusion and looked around. You took the letter, seeing that it had "Dearest Heart' written beautifully across the front. You walked inside while admiring the vintage parchment envelope.

"Baby?" Your husband asked curiously, making you look up and smile as he and your son watched you.

"Well I think the mailman left someone else's mail-again." You sighed tossing the letter down on the table by your door. You went over and spent the remainder of you free time with your husband and son before heading into your office and logging on for work.

On your first break, you rushed out of your office hoping to spend time with your loved ones. You giggled as you watched your husband and son sleep with their mouths wide open on your couch. You were about to step into the bathroom when you got the nagging urge to go back and look at the letter again. You stared at it from across the room a moment before finally giving in to curiosity and grabbing it. You studied it for a moment before your husband adjusting on the couch startled you. You quietly went to the bathroom and examined the letter. Looking at your phone, you realized you didn't have much time, and would just open it to see what it looked like inside. A very hopeful side of you prayed that in your head that it was filled with cash that some good saint just felt in their heart to give, but you knew that was a slim chance. When you opened the letter, you almost gasped, almost like a child feeling as if you if you'd just done something forbidden. The alarm on you phone vibrated and you jumped, the letter dropped from you hands. You laughed a bit at yourself, picked up the letter, tucked it away and went back to work.

One your lunch break, after making something to eat for yourself and your hungry boys, you found yourself practically lured back to the bathroom to find the letter you'd tucked away for later. You opened it and pulled out a very beautifully written letter, but the first line damn near made your heart stop. You read it over and over trying to make sure you weren't seeing things, but there it was in black in, your name. You took a deep breath and continued reading the letter.

My Dearest Y/n,

I promised myself I wouldn't try to interfere in your life, but my heart won't let my stand idly by. I know this is abrupt as you've never seen me in your life, at least you don't remember meeting me, its been so long ago; but I can't keep quiet about this anymore as my love for you has yet to subside. I know it sounds unbelievable, but I swore I'd never lie to you and I am a man of my word. You might be a little worried as to how I know you, where you live-but you'd be shocked at how much I know about you and it'd scare you to know how long I've watched over you. Little love, I've been a bit disappointed in you. You allowed yourself to get to far down and instead of talking it out, you've been bottling everything in. We both know how that ends. You can talk to me if you need to, but I was really disappointed in how you allowed things to get. You weren't getting out of bed, you weren't keeping your hygiene up, and you weren't keeping the house up; on top of that, you haven't been utilizing any of your self-care tools. You didn't leave the house for a month and you cried every night by yourself because you're too stubborn to get out of your own head for two seconds and let the people who love you in. You were also finding a new lie every week to call into to work, that was disappointing darling because you don't have to lie, just tell them you need a day for your health, you don't owe them anymore explanation than that, but I don't want you to lie again. Do you remember those 2 weeks your backside was sore and stinging and you couldn't figure out why? I'm so sorry dear heart but I had to light a fire in you some way, and I just can't allow you to behave in such a way. I also can't stand to see the woman I love not take care of herself. On another note, I do want to tell you how proud of you I have been with how much you love and care for our son. He's growing so big isn't he? Oh darling, I know you think he's your husbands, but I guarantee he is my flesh and blood, why do you think he stares at me so long when he sees my photo pass your screen. His blood is my blood, he knows who he is. I have decided dear heart, to be a bit more active in your life as I have come to realize that my standing by protecting in the shadows is not enough. It will be awhile my love, but one day we will be together. You, Me and our son. I love you both so much, I promise you we will be a family as we should one day. For now I will continue to watch from the distance and protect you when you need me. I will also be there to talk whenever you just want to talk out loud. Before I end this letter, I want to also tell you how proud I am that you've started writing. I love the stories you've been writing about me and I promise to fulfill every one of you desires as soon as the time is right. Only this time, you'll be able to enjoy it as much as I have. I will be writing again, you don't have to reply, but it would be nice. Keep up the good work sweetheart, I love you.

With All My Heart and Soul,

Kal-El

Your heart pounded in your ears, you forgot to breath and tears filled your eyes. You kept trying to convince yourself it was a prank, but the more you tried to deny it, the more you knew it was real. You sat thinking to yourself, when you'd written a story about him, you didn't know anyone named Kal-El. You immediately started walking around your house making sure every window and door was locked. You wanted to tell your husband, but once again the gut feeling told you not to, and you'd realized that your gut was really on point and that just made things scarier.

You finished you lunch break and the rest of that day unable to concentrate on anything. That night while you took a shower, you kept looking through the blinds to see if you'd see someone. On one had you wanted to see if there was someone really there and on the other you felt you'd probably shit yourself if you really saw someone. After a moment or two, you'd finally convinced yourself it was a sick prank and someone in the neighborhood was being an idiot. You laughed a bit and finished up, ready to finally get the sleep you'd been begging for all day. As you laid in bed, every noise made you jump. Every time something or someone would move, you'd go from the precipice of sleep to fully awake. You had been feeling watched for the longest time and you'd just blamed it on being crazy, but now with the letter confirming your nightmare, you really had no idea what to do. Your mind ran and ran until it finally shut itself down and you drifted off to a very peaceful sleep despite everything going on around you.

He sat in the corner of your dark room watching you breath calmly. He wanted so badly to go over and rock you to sleep as he watched you struggle to fall asleep, but he couldn't present himself to you just yet, not until everything was perfect the way we wanted it before he showed himself.

He sat there watching you from the other side of the room knowing that soon you'd throw the covers off of your plush body exposing your luscious curves that he loved feeling in his large hands. His hand stroked himself as he thought back to the first night he took you. You were sleeping so good, you didn't hardly move. His released his hard thick cock from their restraints and pumped himself as he watched your breasts rise and fall with your breathing. He thought back to the first time he tasted your nipples, how hard they got when he kissed and nipped them. How wet you got for him and how he once made you cum from playing with them only. He then thought about how delicious you were. His fist moving faster and rougher down his shaft. He remembered how tight you were when he first fucked you. How hot and juicy you were as he pumped deep into your soft pussy filling you with every inch of him. He wanted to ruin you, and he wished you could see the happiness he felt when you couldn't cum one night from yours or your husbands touches. His hand pumped faster as he remembered fucking you so good one night your orgasm woke you as you came, as disappointed as he was that he couldn't feel you cum around him, he was still proud to have your body so responsive for him. That sent him over the edge and he came hard wanting so badly to empty inside of you. He wanted to see you round with his baby again, but he wanted to allow you the time to fully heal. He used one of your husbands shirts to wipe himself clean, and he gave you a soft peck on the lips, smiling when you turned away.

"I love you so much. I promise things will be right soon. Sleep well dearest heart." He whispered before leaving. He couldn't wait until you found his next letter.