#that was also around the same time I met some of my closest online friends too

[roseofcards90]

Not me going through all my liked songs and seeing all the ones I added because of my roommate before 😭 augh I’m reminded of how I wish I could go back…

[ariesprincesss]

Super Random Astro Observations Pt. II

Just wanted to give a big thank you to the astro community for all of the love on my posts & helping me reach 100 followers!!🫶🫶🫶 (Disclaimer, I am not an astrologer just a silly girl that knows a ton of information on astrology🤓)

-During mercury retrograde last year i actually met and separated from a particular person within that time span which was interesting because i have mercury retrograde natally so usually i don’t feel it as much, but my partner actually didn’t have retrograde mercury so i guess i felt the retrograde by association bc he was gone once mercury went direct.😭

-someone else’s name asteroid conjuct my sun the month i met them in my lunar return chart. This person 100% caught my attention…

-when i was younger i used to think taurus sun men were sooo boring. (i’m a fire sign lol)

-My Solar return had 11h Uranus when I had a friend who I never thought id speak to again randomly reach out to me. We talk daily now! I also started my astrology blog this year on a whim too lol.

-Sagittarius mercury in 11th house in a virgo degree in lunar return chart- the month i started my astrology blog!

-one of the closest friendships i have ever had, my moon was their rising ,& their rising was moon! (they were also a sag sun & u guys know i loveee sags sm.)

-a relationship i had where his venus was in my 1st house he was very much obsessed with me & always told me how beautiful i was. I didn’t feel the same attraction he had for me tho tbh so take this placement lightly😭.

-something i 100% recommend if looking to predict “fated” events use your natal vertex and look at different transits to it😗

-idk if it’s just me but gemini/sag/ aquarius /aries placements being potheads?? i’ve seen a trend im not sure if that’s like rlly accurate or not😭 i could also see cancer/scorpio/pisces placements too!

-this person I was friends with had their sun in my 12h & i felt like they were my BIGGEST undercover hater. like i just distinctly remember how odd they would treat me at times…

-the year i moved i had 4h pluto in the solar return chart!

-looking back on it another year i had libra rising in solar return chart i was absolutely feeling myself, took so many pictures, changed up my aesthetic, changed my hair color , played around with my fashion etc. just freely expressed myself! felt sm more attractive to ppl especially w 1st ruler in the 7th. Definitely felt like my “glow up” year.

-7h stellium solar return chart ,7h ruler 9h Mars ,8h ruler in the 7th , Sun, Venus, & Uranus -i became like super obsessive over my guy friend i made at school that year😭 like I wanted him so badly but couldn’t bring myself to experience rejection…so i was just like super sad over that for whatever reason ? idk, yall know how it is when ur young lol.

-Uranus 7h solar return- did some online dating that year…. it was also in the 9th degree & all of the relationships were mainly online & long distance.

[crazylittlejester]

I’m curious to know what background you’ve created for Wild in your modern au (if you have)

I’ve seen him mentioned in a bunch of your other posts about the main three so I thought you might have some things to share with us about him 🤷

The au definitely centers around Wars, Twilight and Sky, but of the six others, Wild is someone who pops up most frequently because the main three all know him and also he is Wars’s closest and oldest friend (Time and Legend are the other two who pop up a lot, Time being Twi’s adoptive father/uncle and Legend being Sky’s coworker and also he lives directly below the main three). I talked a bit about Wild’s background here when I was saying how he met the others, but I can talk more about him :)

(my bad for spelling errors or weird grammar mistakes)

- Wild and Wars have known each other close to 15 years because they skated together. they’re about a year and a half-ish apart and separated by 2 school grades (though they definitely shouldn’t be because Wars is very young for the like. year of school he’s in (?)). They were close when they were little, like 5 and 7 to 12 and 13/14, but once they were competing (and competing against each OTHER) their coaches kinda pit em against each other and they grew apart though they were never MEAN to each other

- Wild was basically raised just to become a world champion. He grew up thinking that was the only way he could earn worth, and it really sucked because his entire childhood was hearing everyone talk about WARS and how WARS was going to become a top skater and someone who’d be remembered in history and Wild started to hate him a bit when they were like 14 and 15/16 because he just could not beat Wars

- Throughout grade school he became very close with Mipha because as a swimmer she too understood what it was like to have to wake up before school and go to practice and they bonded over that. They’re still very good friends even though she goes to college on the other side of hyrule

- The year Wars qualified to compete as an adult he did, and Wild was so excited that entire year because he felt like he actually had a chance and even the coaches and people online were saying he was likely to win gold, and he spent an entire year pushing himself to his limit and training so so so hard because he finally had his chance, and then at the comp he didn’t land a jump properly and he fell and just destroyed his hip. He tried to keep going and he just couldn’t and he wasn’t able to finish and ended up needing surgery. Wars was one of if not THE first one to visit him, and realizing that Wars never hated him at all and that he’d literally dropped everything to check on him meant an awful lot to Wild

- It was very hard for him to retire from skating because his self worth and how he viewed himself was so connected to how he preformed, but his doctors and physical therapists told him it would likely be impossible for him to ever get to a point where he could perform the same and they didn’t tell him to quit COMPLETELY but Wild viewed it as an all or nothing situation so he did

- Things were rough for him for a while, relearning how to move and manage his pain and then on top of that having to figure out what to do with his LIFE, but eventually he found fashion and photography. Wars was there for him through all of it (as much as he could be because he was very busy, but he texted Wild multiple times a day and they would call like 4 times a week), and Wild was there for Wars when HE retired too

- Some days he can get around alright, other days he uses a cane or crutch to help him walk and reduce pain. On good days he’ll sometimes go mess around at the rink with Wars, not doing anything too crazy

- Wild’s a fashion/art major in college now, he goes to the same school as the others, and he and Wars meet up at LEAST 2-3 times a week. Wars was his first real friend and the person in his life he’s the closest to, they understand each other and the shit they both went through in a way no one else can. Wild helps Wars film tiktoks of him skating, Wars models for anything Wild needs him to, if Wars needs professional photos for anything Wild will take them, if Wild ever needs someone to go shopping for fabrics with he’ll grab Wars. Twilight also gets dragged along sometimes but his eyes start to glaze over looking at the different fabrics and yarns because its all just shapes and colors to him almddkkd

- He loves sewing, knitting, crocheting, and quilting. All his close friends have been gifted blankets and a handmade little guy at some point. He also makes jewelry

- He LOVES to do fun things with his hair. He hasn’t cut it since he stopped skating (aside from trims to keep it healthy) so thats nearly four years of hair growth and its decently long

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

My IRL ex who lives abroad now is dating my online friend who also lives there and I am deceiving them, AITA?

All of us are Asian, 29. Fake names are used.

My ex (Fred) was my childhood best friend, we grew up together in the same conservative society, people expected to see us marry since we were kids, all that jazz. At 18, we both moved away and kept up LDR. Moving meant big changes of course, I was in a huge city and I had internet access for the first time. I became a BTS fan in 2013, I started creating and reading a lot. I joined tumblr, made friends from all over the world. I was being radicalized rapidly, and I figured out I was bi too. My world was suddenly a million times bigger.

He however, didn't change much. He was scientific minded unlike most people here and his friends were all STEM kids but they were still functionally right leaning. He was racist when it came to BTS or East Asians in general. He was ignorant and happy to ignore queer existence, he used to say things like queer people needed to be shown the right path. We were turning out to be quite the opposites. Eventually we broke up. He was heartbroken, he tried to drag me back in many times and I avoided him like plague. I managed to ditch him completely when we were about 23. He left for USA to study.

Around the same time I befriended one of my closest online friends, Daphne. We lived in the same state but she was always traveling so we never got to meet. We're both hellsite veterans and keep our identities under lock & key so we don't know our real names or exact place of work, but we know each other's deepest kinks and childhood traumas, and stories about our exes. We both had the same kind of interests, politics, and fandoms, we're both bisexual. I've also come out as a trans man a few years ago and I go by a masculine name online, can't transition IRL. Daphne's known me since my girl era. Daphne left for USA last year for her Masters.

Now the wild part, by some twist of fate, Daphne met Fred who's also working on his Masters in an adjacent field. It is by no means a niche subject and USA is the fourth largest country, they still found each other. He sang in our first language at some party, he's very hot, and... he's into BTS like her. Wild. So they're now dating.

They started following each other on twitter and he followed a bunch of her friends including Me! We have exchanged pleasantries and while on his account he has his real name and location, mine is a mixed bag account with my fake name and my (sfw) queer creations all over it.

I know who He is but he doesn't know who I am, he thinks I'm just one of Daphne's dudes, and Daphne doesn't know that she's dating my ex who she had promised to drop into the Challenger's Deep (joke). My reasoning for hiding the truth is-- It's still not safe for me to be out IRL and he can mess it up. I remember his bigotry, I hate him, I have every right to avoid him and here that means not revealing my identity. But it's been years so maybe he has changed, and Daphne is my friend. So, I feel like a massive ahole for not telling her at least. At the same time she really did hate my racist homophobic right leaning ex a lot, so knowing the truth will make things awkward and I don't want to lose my friend.

So, there you have it. AITA?

BTW, no I'm not into BTS ships or reader insert fantasies, that's not what I create. I know someone would ask about it so there. I'm also Not attracted to Daphne, if I was I'd have asked her out straight away, I don't play around about my crushes.

What are these acronyms?

[cupidsdescendant]

oh my god I'm so embarrassed but do you think you could give us some headcanons for a friends-to-lovers kinda thing with Scout? maybe some nsfw ones as well??🥺 a shy reader maybe? afab?? totally cool if this is too specific or if you'd just rather not 👉👈

hey anon! Sure I'd love to. I've been working on a longer fic so I haven't been online much but thank you for the ask!

Friends 2 Lovers: Scout X Y/N! (BONUS NSFW)

-Both of you have been close friends for years, you could tell by all the childhood photos each others mom's forced you to take

-Photos of you and him at his birthday, your birthday, at the zoo, roller skating, etc. They all hung up on a corkboard that had all his cherished memories on display. -Scout had always felt neutral with you because you were his closest friend. Except for a few awkward moments that you both repressed. -Moments like Y/N laying on his chest, her hand accidentally moving close to his thigh or them accidentally touching hands, both tried to forget them but when they were alone, it was always in their mind. -Scout would occasionally flirt with Y/N "as a joke". He also loves "practicing" cheese one-liners on you. -"Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!" he says clicking his tongue and shooting finger guns at you. "God you're such a dork." Y/N says, rolling her eyes. -"Okay, okay how bout' this one-...Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print~!" Scout says with a huge grin. -"Yeah maybe," Y/N said, she put her hand on her face and looked longingly at him. "You play baseball, yeah? Cus you're a real knock outta the park." -Scout's face became lightly flushed with pink, "haha. Y-you're kidding, right?" "Of course. Why would I be serious?" She got up and stretched her arms "Besides if I was going to flirt with you I'd be less cheesy." -"...How so...?" He asked. -Y/N looked over to him and grabbed his hat from his head, firmly placing it on hers. "Maybe something a little like this." -She put her arms around his shoulders and pushed him to her "How bout we go to my room and you give me a home run?" She said with a toothy grin. Scout's face was doused in red and a loud roar of laughter followed "God that was so bad!!!" Y/N said holding her face "Oh my god, sorry. I'll think of something better." She walked away leaving Scout an embarrassed mess -Even though it was a "Joke" he couldn't stop thinking about the interaction. He buried years of crushing so deeply that once Y/N said that, they all rose from the grave. He couldn't stop thinking about her in more ways than "Just friends." -Of course, Y/N felt this way the entire time but she tried to pay no mind to it. Her heart was always heavy when she was next to him because there was this want to just tell him how she felt...but she couldn't -Weeks go past after the interaction and both of them decided to work the courage to ask each other. Scout with a letter in hand and Y/N was a planned speech they both asked each other to meet at the top of the hill where a huge tree stood. -"No I-" They said together "Wait-No You can go-" Their words were identical, pointing at each other "STOP!!! YOU GO FIRST- OH MY-" Both of them grunted in annoyance and Y/N signaled to zip Scout's mouth. -"J-Jeremy." She said anxiously, staring at his eyes made her anxiety worsen. "Uh...so like. We've been friends for a while and. I- Uhm..." Y/N shut her eyes tightly and poured the truth out. "Jeremy, I've always liked you and it was hard to say because...I didn't want to ruin our friendship if...i-if it didn't w-ork.." -Scout dropped his letter and gently held her hands. "No, no. I...I felt the same way too, Y/N. You're right- that's the reason why I kept it in for so long." -"So what now?" She said looking at him. -A sensual kiss fell onto Y/N's lips, Scout's gently touching hers and she felt herself met a little. He pushed up against her and she held tightly onto his shirt as they both lowered down. -A whole make-out sesh happened on that damn hill lmao. NSFW WARNING AHEAD!

-Tries hard in bed to please you, but has no experience. -Jacks off A LOT, though. This man shoots semen like 24/7. -Whenever he watches porn he tried to take notes to make sure he does the same to you lol -Average erection, around 5-6. -He asks his mom what to do once you both have sex and she hands him a pack of condoms

-Takes him bout a minute to put one on, he's super embarrassed by it. "I hope I can try and give you a good time..." "Any moment with you is great, Jam Jam." (yes that's his nickname) -Fear not! He gets the hang of it and progressively gets better. -Is willing to do any kinks you enjoy <3. Some of his is degradation, praise, very light BDSM, and overstimulation

-He's a little dirty too~ (he doesn't tell you) but even though you guys are dating he imagines you aren't, and it's just his hot best friend giving blow jobs for free or "practice" -He lets you overstimulate him, practically have him shaking by the end of every session -His favorite thing to do with you is eat you out and let your cum drip out. Sucking it and licking your clit afterward

-He always spoons you after and hugs you but for some reason, he gets super hungry and energetic so he'll usually bring back a snack and talk your head off until you're asleep!! Ighty anon! Thanks for the request!! I'll be uploading more in the future <3

[no-psi-nan]

🥺🥺🥺 not 2 be sappy on main but omg I actually started off in Deviantart ages ago, that was the closest thing to social media for me until the tumblr migration lol. But I never really interacted with people on there, and even upon moving to tumblr, never really interacted with people here too often either. At first I had my main blog which was meant to be more professional since I was selling art to get a little college income, so I didn't really make too many irrelevant posts. Then I decided that I wanted to be able to reblog art and support other artists, so I made a side blog where I carefully curated and tagged the posts I reblogged. I made a few original posts but no one ever interacted, and eventually I realized that people only ever sent me asks there if I tagged anything wrong. Also I found out that adding stuff like series and character tags to a reblog on tumblr is basically useless because the op will pretty much always tag those things which makes it searchable on your own blog even if you don't tag it yourself. And if op DIDN'T tag it those things, your tags will make the post searchable on your blog but NOT in the general search, so it doesn't give op any more of a boost than just reblogging it tagless. So I made another sideblog, which I still have today, and I just rapidfire reblog literally anything I find shareworthy lol. Not any interaction there but at least I'm not wasting my time meticulously tagging strangers posts hsfjdlshfks. Since I was best friends with a big name fan in my main fandom (we became friends when I left a long emotional comment on their fanfic btw <3), I helped run some small fandom events and met more people as well. When I switched fandoms, it was a fandom event that gave me a new friend too, my posts never got any traction. Large fandom discords didn't really work for me either. But on this blog I was lucky, and for the first time people started like actually responding to my comments and posts, and get conversations going! And genuinely that's what's kept my brain rot so powerful I think, because bouncing ideas off each other and joking around and shitposting is genuinely the most fun I've ever had online!! I have to thank desta and oatmeal for the fun times especially, and hillbilly---man left really nice comments on my first few fics that really encouraged me, and I always have fun trading ideas with alienn, saikikthoughts, and crookedlyinnernightmare, plus everyone else who's on here, that's too many people to type out. AND I TYPED UP A BUNCH MORE STUFF BUT TUMBLR FUCKING DELETED IT!! Are you shitting me.... Well I think I remember saying that even if it's been getting kinda quiet and boring lately so my attention is starting to wander (I've pretty much posted all of the meta that's not deep fanfic hc at this point and my drawings take me a long time to make), I'll never delete this blog and I'll still be putzing around online until the day I die probably. And I'll always remember these days fondly and hope to find another great community like this one. And also I highly encourage everyone to post, reply, interact, and play with fellow fans! I've made lifelong friendships over blorbos and even if we don't have the same blorbos any more, we're still friends. Obviously stay safe online, never send money to strangers, probably wait like a year to start shipping each other stuff but still, reach out because you never know who you might meet! I've been lonely irl for most of my life for various reasons, and my online friends have been a lifeline honestly, they're all really important to me. Two of my best friends today come from fanfic comment sections!! Also I need to get around to archiving my meta on AO3 lol (yup, it's for meta too!) but that's gonna be a lot of work so -_-U).

[fuck-i-like-too-much-stuff]

I usually sleep around 3 am every night because i like staying up and its easier for me to focus at night. On the night of 16th October, i didn't. I wish i had, i wish i hadnt woken up early, i wish for a lot of things.

A couple of days before that I had narrated some of the recent discourse to one of my ex-directioner friends. We had discussed our respective opinions on various aspects of the topic and how the fandom's behavior is reflective of the person it belongs to.

Along the same days, I had also been talking to one of my closest friends (whom i came to know online due to our mutual love for the band) about how our experiences, different in time periods but similar in idealogies, taught us valuable lessons about parasocieties and attachment. Both of us have, in the many years we've known each other, had many instances where it was this parasociety and attachment that saved us from ourselves.

A few years ago, when i first met the aforementioned friend, i also met another who is like my own younger sister. I also met someone i thought I'd fallen for. And many people across continents who became like family. Last but definitely not least, i met the person who is the reason i became confident in the idea of pursuing writing as my future career.

Just an year before those few years ago, i fell through a deep hole of emotions that even though i have experienced since, were not meant for the age i was of. I made it through, however, because of sounds that fell to my ears and smiles that my eyes cherished- whether they were the laughs of my friends or the playlists of more than a thousand songs i built from scratch.

A huge proportion of those songs, those bonds, those memories, those feelings have Liam James Payne in their credits role.

People are complicated, its not an excuse but a reality. No person behind the screen is who we build them up to be- they cant be. Its not a bad thing in itself, just something that parasociety needs to realise and come to terms with.

Cancel culture has the tendency to downgrade the severity of some things in ways that is very insensitive. Because it is as easy for celebrities to maintain a fake persona as it is easy for fans to spew hate from behind anonymous accounts.

That being said, i grew up with a boy who wrote about 40+ songs and sang even more. I grew up with a boy who threw himself at every second chance he got and made himself up from scratch. I grew up with a boy who went through absolute hell. I grew up with a boy who grew up to be a disturbed and unhealed man, who deserved better and who had people in his life who deserved better than him.

As i go through these displaced feelings of grief, nostalgia, anger, disappointment, bittersweet happiness, sadness, loneliness, belongingness, hatred, love and more- i see more people going through the same in their own ways. I cant even begin to imagine what Liam's family and friends are experiencing- but for the fans, we may never recover from this entirely but we can make it through the dark.

[skymaiden32]

Hi everyone! This isn't a very happy post, but it is very serious. Something happened yesterday and I just need somewhere to vent.

(No members of the Thunderfam are involved; it's about people I know IRL.)

I used to have this friend. My closest childhood friend. Our parents were also friends and had the two of us around the same time. I remember he used to have a lot of Thunderbirds toys. I guess that makes him the first friend I ever had in the fandom, even if we had no clue what fandom was back then. 

Something I should get out the way is that we grew up in a religious background, and we were in the same congregation as kids. Later on when we were teens, we had a trio with another boy, who beta-read my stories for me for a while. During COVID, all our religious activities moved online, and we drifted apart. I’ll call my former bff ‘Z’ and our other friend ‘J’. 

The longer the isolation went on, I started noticing that Z was no longer attending the online meetings, and whenever his parents were there they had these weird looks on their faces. Well, one day Z organised a Zoom call between the three of us and told us he’d moved out of his parent’s house and had converted to Islam. Me and J supported his decision, there were no hard feelings, and we promised to keep in touch.

Well, we did keep in touch for a little while. Z and I met up a couple of times, but that’s pretty much it. When the pandemic ended, me and J stayed in our congregation without him there. J got baptised and Z was there. J left for university, and my communication with him broke down as well, but that’s another story. At this point, I decided to change congregations for reasons unrelated to Z and J, which I’m not gonna get into here but let’s just say there were issues. I’m happy in my new congregation, but back to Z.

My mum and her husband are still in that old congregation to this day, and once I was there visiting them. That’s when I saw Z. He must’ve come with his dad. His mum wasn’t there for health reasons, which I’ll get into in a bit. That’s when he told me that he’d met someone at university. Mind you, he’d been at university for just about a year, and they were already engaged, talking about having kids, the works. He even told me they were planning on moving to another country. He showed me a picture of his fiance, and told me I’d be invited to the wedding. That was last April.

Now, I’m already annoyed at him because we’ve barely talked up until now, and any conversation we do have is by text, extremely short, and initiated by me. Honestly, if I hadn’t seen him in person, I doubt he would’ve told me he was engaged. I’m even more annoyed.

We get to his mum now. Z pretty much cut his parents off when he left, and his mother was understandably beside herself with worry. His mum is a lovely person. I adore her and when we were younger, she was like another mother to me. When I’d come round to his place she made me feel like part of that family. Hearing that Z’s hurt her so much really drives the wedge further.

Fast forward to yesterday. I wake up early because I had a congregation meeting at around ten. I open up TikTok. I see that Z has posted something, so I click on it. It’s a slideshow post with him and his fiancee goofing off. I look at the caption. It says, “marriage has changed me”.

…

She’s not his fiance anymore. She’s his wife. 

He said, to my face, that I would be invited. I wasn’t. I was heartbroken. I still am. Not because I was interested romantically, but because I’d realised I’d lost one of my best friends. I went to that meeting, because I needed to be around people I trusted after what I just saw. But I kept thinking about it over and over. Eventually, I decided that it was a lost cause, so I sent him a congratulations on TikTok, and blocked him. I made a vent post on TikTok too. It’s still up, but I may set it to private at some point. The bridge was already burnt; I just cut the rope because there was no way to repair it.

20 years down the drain. No one ever mentions how painful friendship break ups are. He was like a brother to me, but I can’t be friends with someone who treats me like that. Like those two decades didn’t happen. I honestly think I'll be upset over this for the rest of my life.

Z, if somehow you’ve found this post and are reading it, I want to thank you for the friendship we had while it lasted, and wish you and your wife the best. May you have many happy memories together...

[cutesharkstudios]

Lumity Comfort Ch. 5: Are You Okay?

Amity picked up some food from the cafe Camilla and Luz like, just in case of emergency comfort. She didn't know what to expect, so she wanted to be prepared. When she got home, she looked in the living room, and saw the mother and daughter duo on the couch, both in each others warm embrace. They both looked like they had been crying for a while.

Amity: Hey guys, I brought you both some stuff from the cafe you showed me. You want anything?

Luz: Si, batata.

Camilla: That would be lovely.

The three sat around the table, looking absolutely exausted. The Belos fight and Collecter takeover had drained everyone of their power and emotions. They just wanted some time to recover. It had been a couple of months since those events, but that doesn't mean that they were all better.

Luz: Mama?

Camilla: Yes?

Luz: Are you okay?

Camilla: No. I didn't know you were suffering from those nightmares. If I did, I would have spoken up sooner. I saw you were okay physically, but you weren't emotionally. Thank you for not being mad at me, even though I deserve it.

Luz: Why would I be mad? You wanted to give me my space.

Camilla: I just want to make up for the mistake I made of sending you to that camp. I want to be there for you. For 14 years you felt like you couldn't be understood, and I only have so many years to make up for it.

Luz: Making up implies that you made a malicious error, not a misguided one, and even as an adult I want you in my life. Mama, I think Amity should know what you told me.

Amity: If that's okay with you.

Camilla: Amity, I too have been having nightmares. I was in the middle of one when Luz comforted me before we went to the Boiling Isles. I just want to make things better with someone I care about.

Amity: I'm with you there. I thank God every night for Luz.

Luz: Same. I think I know what we all need.

Everone: Therapy.

Camilla found a therapist who worked with trauma victims and reformed bad people, one Dr. Sasha Waybright. She set up an online meeting with the three, and they all got to work.

Sasha: Greetings Noceda household. Thanks you for sending me the details of your problems. Why don't you tell me a bit about yourselves and how you all know each other? That way, I can have a better idea on how to help you as a group.

Camilla: I am Camilla Noceda, she/her pronouns, which also applies to the rest of us. I am the mother of Luz, whose girlfriend is Amity Blight, the one with lavender hair.

Sasha: Ah, thank you. Why don't we all start with the core of what each of you want to fix?

Luz: You first, mama.

Camilla: Right. For Luz's entire life, she had always been a creative and kind soul, and I wanted her to feel loved and accepted, but everyone I knew aside from her late father treated her like a freak. So when I was given a pamplet for a camp that promised to make her more normal, I paniked and sent her. I just didn't want her to go through life being called a freak, a monster, a weirdo, A LOSER, A--

Camilla then felt the hand of Luz on her arm. She almost spiralled again, with Luz bringing her back again. Camilla wiped the tears from her eyes and continued.

Camilla: And all this time, Luz, my precious baby girl, just wanted to be loved for who she was. And here's the part that doesn't add up to me, she doesn't hate me.

Sasha: Of course she doesn't.

Camilla: What?

Sasha: What I saw right there was genuine love from your daughter. It's clear that she doesn't hate you in any way. And she doesn't seem to feel betrayed. Believe me, I betrayed one of my closest friends to do what I thought was right, and it still haunts me to this day. I screwed over her friends and manipulated her, and I'm shocked to this day she forgave me.

Amity: Same with me. I made Luz's life hell on earth when we first met. I had a lousy childhood and took it out on her. Why she wanted to be my friend even back then caught me off guard. I guess one of the reasons why I'm so lovey dovey with her is because she changed my life for the better. My family grew up in a town led by a cult, and if it wasn't for Luz, I would have joined it.

Sasha: Yikes, I've dealt with my fair share of cult victims, sorry you had to go through that.

Amity: Said cult was led by a religous fanatic claiming my people to be unpure and even tried to kill us. Even after these few months, my people are trying to heal.

Sasha: It will take more than that to heal, and you may need longer. But just know, your family will be there for you.

Amity: Hey Luz? I think it's your turn.

Luz: Yeah. I helped Amity and her town escape the cult leader, and I did that by doing something I never thought I'd do. I killed the cultist. It only sank in a day or two after the matter that there was now BLOOD ON MY HANDS. That man is in hell now.

Camilla: Where he belongs.

Amity and Luz looked at Camilla with wide eyes. Never in their lives did they imagine she would be happy someone was burning for all time.

Camilla: No way did he repent to God for sins. That guy had it coming. From what I heard from everyone, he brainwashed people, tormented the land, and worst of all, HE. HURT. MY. DAUGHTER! If he didn't die by another's hands, I would have done him in myself.

Sasha: Scared to lose someone too, right?

Camilla: Did you almost lose someone too?

Sasha: Yes, the friend I mentioned previously, Anne, and our other friend, Marcy. In fact, Anne is now my wife, and is carrying our little bundle of joy. She almost was lost to me, and I'm thankful to God every night that she is safe. I never want to lose her again.

The best advice I can give all of you is to be open and honest about your trouble with your friends. Sorry, I need to get to another appointment. Why don't we set aside some more time next week?

Camilla: I'd like that.

[denimbex1986]

'I want to be Andrew Scott’s mother. By ‘Andrew Scott’ I mean the award-winning Irish actor who played the hot priest in Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag. By ‘mother’ I mean mother, although Scott has a perfectly good mother already (Nora, a former art teacher). By ‘want’ I mean I desire to be Scott’s mother because in this mad pandemical world the line between the feasible and the fantastical has dissolved. Ordinary pleasures of a year ago – dinner with friends; going to a concert; cuddling a grandchild – have become impossible dreams. So why not dream the impossible?

I’ve never met Andrew Scott. I think he’s a terrific actor: I loved him in Fleabag and everything else I’ve seen him in. In September he gave an in-camera performance at the Old Vic of Three Kings, a one-man play written for him by his former partner, Stephen Beresford. The play was scheduled for July 31st but a few days before I got an email saying it was delayed by Scott’s admission to hospital for ‘minor surgery’. No details, except the issue was ‘not serious or COVID-related’. In early August I received another email saying Scott was still not well enough to perform.

The weeks passed and I became anxious. My younger stepson works at the Globe; one of his closest friends is a top director. His husband is a novelist who has written for the stage. Their world is full of thesps: could they find out what was wrong? No. I fretted more. I asked some friends connected to the London theatre world. No joy there either.

In early September Scott performed Three Kings, to rave reviews. I searched his face, was he really alright? By now it’s fair to say that I was Scott-obsessed. I viewed online interviews, checked out his personal history, re-watched him as the hot priest. Adorable.

I’m not given to infatuation with performers; Elvis in G.I. Blues was the last. But I know infatuation when I feel it. This was something different. It took me time to name it. It was mothering-hunger.

I’m not a mother. But I’m rich in stepsons, nieces and nephews, godsons and goddaughters, and now two grand-godchildren, born during the pandemic. My wife has four living siblings, with dozens of children and grandchildren between them. My COVID world is full of next-generation family.

But I’ve become greedy. I want to add Scott to the mix, I want him as my boy (he’s 44, I’m 70). My family will love him, and he’ll fit in well. Thespianism? We’ve got that covered. Queer? Yep, we’re good there. Irish? My older stepson teaches philosophy in Galway. Celebrity? One of my brothers-in-law is a famous haircutter; in recent interviews Scott reminds me of him, the same well-rehearsed casual charm, the open shirt, the finger-tossed hair. Another brother-in-law is a leading stunt director; for all I know Scott may have worked with him. So he will be right at home with us.

So why not? Desire is never reality-bound. And when desire confronts disease and death it can blaze up, reaching out to life, insisting on it, demanding more of it. I want Scott because he is more of what I already have. But my son Scott also represents what I will never have – a son of my own. Not once, in all my decades of childlessness, have I hungered for motherhood as I do now, to love a life born from me, now that death is everywhere around me.

Globally COVID-19 has claimed two million lives and rising. The UK’s death rate is one of the highest in the world. One friend has died from it, another has been severely disabled. People who lose loved ones to other diseases cannot come together to mourn them. My wife lost a brother to oesophageal cancer during the first lockdown. The same disease killed a close friend of mine in early December. He lived in Toronto and his partner is my oldest friend. I should be there with her now. What hellish fate has stuck me here in London while my dear friend mourns far away? A misery of separation that I’m sharing with thousands of others across the globe. My widowed friend has two sons who cannot put their arms around her. My stepsons and I cannot hug; we might kill each other. Love and death in close embrace: an eternal theme of literature, art, drama – now made a quotidian reality.

Life revolts. Fleabag shows a young woman seesawing between sexual encounters in the wake of her mother’s death and the suicide of her closest female friend. Finally she falls in love with a Catholic priest (Scott) who chooses God over her. Death has sent her careening toward the impossible. At one point, to cover for her sister’s miscarriage in the middle of a fraught family outing, Fleabag pretends that she’s miscarried. For her, there never was a baby. But it’s the priest’s ‘beautiful neck’ that she finds irresistible. Scott does indeed have a good neck, but who cannot find a baby’s neck irresistible?

Passionate sex after funerals is a well-known phenomenon. Female sexual desire is said to have increased during the pandemic. But eros takes many forms. Child-yearning, as Lucy-Hughes Hallett labels it in Peculiar Ground (2017), can be as exigent as lust. Will there be a baby-boom in the wake of COVID? Not for me; and anyway it’s not baby-mothering I want but a gorgeous actor-son who exudes playful vitality.

In interviews Scott repeatedly describes acting as playful. He loves Picasso’s famous remark that ‘It took me my whole life to paint like a child’. I don’t know if Scott has ever read the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, but for Winnicott play is the life-force. Play, in children and adults, is where dreams are enacted, where fantasy and desire find creative expression. In play, people become themselves, for good or ill, and this is exciting, joyful, dangerous. When Scott played Hamlet in 2017, he surprised audiences by showing the young prince as full of fun. Why this portrayal?

If you don’t understand that Hamlet had a great joy for life, if you think that for the length of time that he was on the earth he was always depressed, well the release from life isn’t really that tragic…[but] If you think it was somebody who was full of life, and engagement, and fun, that has now just been totally sucker-punched by grief and doesn’t want to be alive anymore, I think that’s much more telling, and much more of a consuming story. (Evening Standard, 26.11.19)

Sucker-punched by grief…an image for our times. So how do we go on playing in the face of disease and death, and fear of death? We reach out for what we have; we dream of what we want. Scott’s emergency surgery, back in July, triggered a new dream in me. Anxious for him, I clutched fearfully at what I already have – the family and friends I love – and conjured up an ideal supplement: a fantasy-son, fully recovered, to accompany me through this dark time to a play-filled life beyond.'

[jedisceptile]

15 years ago when I was half the age I am now, on 23 December 2008 I made an account on a forum. It was bulbapedia's forum, called BMGf for short, to discuss all things pokémon on. While I initially only made my account to win a fanfiction contest with what must be the most cringe story ever written (needless to say I did not win the contest), I started posting regularly and must have been an active poster on there for about 5 years. I feel like by the time XY rolled around I wasn't that active anymore. I made over 10 thousand posts, was personally responsible for popularing the mafia forum game, got made a mod and made over 200 friends if my friendlist was to be believed. They were some very formative years for me on the internet before the advent of social media.

I thought it would be a fun excercise for myself to see which people I am actually able to remember from that website. What impression did they leave on me looking back, who can I even remember from that long ago? Maybe 2 of my followers will read this and not know any of these people, maybe no one will read this at all. But I still feel like it's more fun to post this online on the off chance one of these persons actually reads it than to just keep it in a word document where I know for a fact I will be the only person to ever lay eyes on it.

I will go on an alphabetical order for readability, though this is not the order I started recalling in.

Aladar - I don't know his first name. He was a regular in a chat thread I frequented, he loved star wars and I think we had the same brand of humour. Though he must have become inactive on the forum years before I did and never played mafia with me, it's interesting he left an impression on me nonetheless.

America - Killi, I think this was her username but she'd change it so much I don't remember. I think we mostly bonded over the forum game mafia, but we also watched all of fmab together and were pretty close for a while, chatting often. Apparently she was manipulative and a bit of a gremlin to other people (called abusive etc.), but she was normal around me so I didn't let it bother me. I guess she felt a bit like a younger sister to me in that regard.

Archaic - Liam, as the website owner I was never really close with him but I've spoken with him a few times and in hindsight he was the most normal person on the entire site. He would host contests on the websites that I'd win, over the years I've gotten like three pokemon games from him.

Baron Brixius - an enigmatic kid with an odd sense of humour which overlapped a bit with my own, I liked egging him on. He ended up breaking the forum by naming himself <undefined> and got permanently banned when he did it a second time. He clearly had some issues going on but was never too open about it.

Buoy - don't recall his first name. Some of my friends were obsessed with him for his really weird sense of humour (and the fact he was a few years younger), though in mafia games he could be surprisingly sharp. I think we never really liked each other but we could get along if a mafia game needed us to.

Crackfox - Hayley, I feel like she was a bit mischivous in personality on the forum, but Hayley was brought into a chatgroup I was in a bit later so I remember her more from that. To me it seemed like she always felt like she was a bit of an outsider. I feel like she felt closest to me out of anyone else, I at least dm'd with her a lot on skype. In mafia games on the forum we would also team up almost always. In hindisght I feel like I maybe never truly understood her, one day she just upped and disappeared and I lost a close friend.

Croag - Emily, I guess she came across as kind and a bit reserved? I was in a skype group with Emily for multiple years and got to know her a lot better thanks to that, making it harder to remember my initial impression. Emily presents herself a bit distant with an ironic sense of humour in these group chats but I've met her irl and she where is very genuine and kind. I still talk to her to this day, though not as much as I maybe should.

Emi-chan - Another sister-I-never-had to me as she was a few years older, I really looked up to her and her artistic skills when she started frequenting the chat thread. Though we got along just ok, unfortunately I always felt some distance between us and couldn't really get close to her, before she moved on from the forum. She was into a touhou-esque series called .hack and to this day I've never encountered another fan of that.

Falcon Doveowl - Cara, another person who frequented the chat thread that I got along well with but was not super close to I think. I feel like I may be mixing her up to some extent with Luminosity in my mind, though I chatted with cara a bunch on skype as well I think which I don't think I did for luminosity.

Feralize - I forgot their name, they were always really calm and a force to be reckoned with in mafia games. I think I talked to them a few times on tumblr but I can't recall if they're still active.

FinalArcadia - Haley. I think she was the older sister of two twin girls one of which liked me and the other didn't, but I don't remember their usernames. I believe we got along ok. Someone who frequented a thread where people were all hetalia obsessed and would also play mafia occasionally. We're still mutuals here!

Gaskhan - or was it Ghaskan? I don't remember her name but she was from Portugal, she was a bit of a wallflower whose calm demenure got her promoted to supermoderator. She played mafia a bunch and posted in the chat thread occasionally, but in hindsight I wish I had gotten to know her better.

Gatorage - Axel was generally cocky, though I was in a chat group with him for years I don't recall his personality beyond that all that much. From what I recall while we weren't that close we barely ever got into arguments with each other either, which was rare for me at the time as I got into arguments with everyone.

Ghetsis-Dennis - The most obnoxious person I ever met online, he had a very strong belief system about what characters would be added to the next smash bros (Dawn and Zoaroark among others) and would not shut up about it. The only person I blocked on skype because he would not leave me alone.

Ghost - don't know his name, I feel like he looked up to me as I was a bit older. He was always rather stoic in how he expressed himself but as a chat thread regular we became friends. We both got really into gpx+ at the same time and would talk a lot about that, but I think eventually we just sortof stopped interacting as much even though we were both still active on the site.

Greece - Erin. Was her username actually Greece or am I mixing people up? I think she was a bit demure and we chatted sometimes, but I don't remember her that well. There was a lot of hetalia fans on the website who would change names and avatars so much I wasn't always able to tell them apart that well. I still feel like I'm forgetting someone I talked to a lot on this list, but I can't remember them. Maybe it was Erin, who knows.

Hellion - Don't remember his name. Incredibly cocky know-it-all guy during mafia games, was made a moderator together with me and seemingly always disgreed with me. Awful personality really, I still don't really understand how some people liked the guy.

Humonity - Ruben, from Malta. I felt like he looked up to me for a while, perhaps for my stylish way of playing mafia? He could be a bit eccentric at times but still very fun to talk to, I still talk to him about eurovision every year.

Hunter Blade - don't recall their name. A chat thread regular with a good sense of humour that I got along well with, they're one of the few people from this website that still follows me on here and reblogs my posts occasionally. I should talk to him again sometime.

Hurristat - David. Someone I got along really well with unti he became a moderator and went mad with the power. One day in a skype chat unrelated to the forum (it just had a lot of people from the forum in it) we got in an argument and he tried to to use his authority as a moderator to get me to shut up, which the angry teen I was I refused to give into and caused him to have a meltdown over his own powerlessness. Served him right, jerk.

H-con - Hakon from Norway. Someone from the chat thread I was befriended with, but I can't recall too much about them. I still have them on my switch friendlist (imported from the 3ds friendlist) as I do with some others on this list, and see him online playing games sometimes.

Ino-chan - Tony. Frequented the same chat thread I did. Had a unique deadpan sense of humour which I thought was hilarious. Posted a picture of herself once, and never again. Had a male first name and a male mii on the 3ds and wiiu. I still wonder once in a while, is she trans or did she catfish us for all those years. I think I was sort of close with her, but her distant personality made it hard to really get to know her.

Insana Dana - Dana, I don't think I was that close with her but we got along in various skype groups. I feel like she's one of the few persons who despite being in various fandoms would never get into arguments with others.

jda995 - Joel. Funny guy that I played some mafia games with but mostly know from being in a skype group together with. Very sassy, sense of humour comparable to Croag.

Leafeon800 - Alex is my bff to this day. On the forum we got paired up once in a program meant to introduce new people to each other. I thought our conversations were a bit shallow, and eventually we both got put in a skype group for people who owned mario kart 7 on the 3ds to race together. At first Alex was one of the people in the group I felt least close to, but as hormonal teens the people in that group (including me) were constantly creating drama and fighting. One day the drama was among the other members and I messaged Alex along the lines of "get a load of these guys", starting a trend of us dm'ing each other more and slowly becoming the best of friends. I can't even really remember what caused us to have such a good connection with each other, but I'm really glad it happened.

Leggo - don't remember her name, leggo was always very kind but a bit enigmatic in how she presented herself. Like she was both full of quirky personality but also rather stoic at all times. Such an odd combination. I wonder if she's still like that.

Luminosity - Not Clara, did I ever know her name? She didn't stand out too much, but enough for me to remember her. I think she was older than me and got along quite well with themissingno. I may have gotten some older sister I never had vibes from her, but my memory is fuzzy. I played mafia with her a few times.

Mariowie - Mario? A pretty reserved personality, I chatted with him in the chat thread a few times and the main things I remember is that he's Dutch and lives on an ostrich farm. I still interact with him on twitter, where he often ends up being the only person liking the single tweet I make once every 6 months.

Midorikawa - Ariana, a girl with such a strong personality that we would constantly argue with each other. However when we were on the same side arguing together with someone else I would feel a rush like nothing else. Almost developed a crush on this girl, but thankfully we disagreed more with each other on things than we agreed. She was very conservative.

Mintaka - Hyemin or Min was one of the people I felt closest to on the forum, a girl a few years older than me. She was a student in Seoul, very kind and a bit quirky sometimes and I actually feel bad I don't remember as much about her as I feel like I should. I met her and her family irl when they were on holiday in the Netherlands.

Neonsands - don't remember his name. A lot of mafia board frequenters would eventually start talking to each other on skype but I think neonsands was never one of them. I mostly talked to him during mafia games and he was either an opponent to fear or my favourite ally, a game where I was mafia with neonsands and sourcandy remains one of my favourite and most succesful ones ever. In hindsight I wish I had gotten to know him better.

Neosquid- I don't remember his first name. Neosquid was a bit of a weird kid who was a few years younger than me and appeared to look up to me. I chatted with him a lot and I think we shared similar humour, but unfortunately it's not the clearest in my mind anymore. I think he was dealing with some mental stuff, like how when he was 16 he dated someone 8 years older than him who then broke up with him because he was allegedly being abusive. Hope you're doing ok neosquid.

Paperhorse - Claire, she was like everyone's mom friend. Very warm and kind, but unfortunately I can't remember that many specifics about her. She loved harry potter I think and got married a few years ago, if she has children now I'm sure she'd be a great mom to them.

Phoenicks - a young republican who loved debating more than anything else and therefore also mafia games. We liked each other but weren't really friends, I think he respected me as a player but did not really show it a lot during games. Would write the longest post indicting someone as mafia which annoyed me a lot. It still annoys me when people are making arguments in really lengthy ways when they could be much shorter about it tbh.

pkmngreen - Frank, another person who I chatted with so much I don't recall my initial impression of them. In chats he was a bit cocky and I got into arguments with him sometimes. Thinking back I think Frank was more emotional than he'd like to let on and the jerk that I was I would sometimes take advantage of that to push his buttons. All done with love of course.

Pokemoll - Molly was 10 years old when she joined the forum and got made a moderator at 11, insane in hindsight. After I left the forum I followed her on tumblr and twitter a bit (and still do), watching her grow up in that sense made her a bit of a distant little sister to me. She's kind and not afraid to stand up for herself and while we don't talk to each other that frequently I think we have a mutual respect for each other. I always like seeing that she's doing well when I happen to catch a glimpse of her social media once in a while.

Pichuboy - don't recall his name, he was like the rival of buoy and I didn't like buoy so I liked pichuboy better. He was cocky but in a more serious way than buoy, but I never got that close to him. He was a bit younger I think and babied by some staff members.

Rayne - don't know his first name, rayne pushed for me to become a moderator which I could not hold onto long due to my online anger issues. But it was nice to have a guy trust in you like that. He was older than me and always came across as very chill, apparently he is a hardcore furry.

Revolvingscott - Scott, this guy must've been on the forum for a year at most with only around 800 posts (noob numbers) but as he posted in the chat thread I frequented he left an impression. He was gay and flamboyant about it and I loved his sense of humour, I think we liked egging each other on. One of the few people who would compliment my selfies which did wonders for my self esteem.

Ryuutakeshi - I feel like his name may have been Kevin, but it may not have been. He was a theater kid and though he was a few years older than me I never got older brother vibes from him. It was ok chatting with him but I don't think we ever got that close. He ended up dating someone from the forum who I also chatted with sometimes but wasn't that close to, I think her username was kayori-chan.

$aturn¥oshi - Steve, this guy was like 30 years old moderating the chat thread, always stoic and chill with seemingly almost no sense of humour of his own but happy to go along with the flow set up by others. He was gay, lived in a basement, owned two cats and was obsessed with michael phelps to the point I thought those were pictures of him. I wonder if I ever knew what his day job was.

Secretive Trainer - Danny, whose personality I don't remember that much on the forum, I think just pretty normal and down to earth in general. I've chatted with him more directly and I remember he's gay and loves all things nintendo, so we get along just fine. He reminds me a bit of my brother.

Shiay - Don't remember he name, didn't interact much with her but am including her for the female represntation of this list. She was obsessed with Morty from pokemon gold/silver, a big fujoshi and into brother/sister incest despite having an older brother herself. One of the first persons that made me realise there are some weird people on the internet.

Shiny celebi - Brenna was a lot older than me and always rather demure on the forum, like she had no personality of her own at all. I think that was a symptom of her autism. She seemed rather fond of me, as she would often send me messages on discord with her concerns about sjw-ideology making me hate myself for being a man. It felt a bit smothering.

Sourcandy - Don't recall her name if I ever knew at all, Sourcandy was feisty and a truly genius chaotic mafia player. I would often clinch with her during these games and people on the forum would jokingly ship us for it. I think we were rather fond of each other and could've been good friends, but due to mental health issues she would unfortunately often disappear for months at a time and we could never really become close with each other.

System Error - This guy used the blog add-on of the forum like social media before social media existed, writing multiple short blogs every day. Meanwhile I put effort in all of my blogs, making them all funny like some sort of amateur stand-up comedian and I'd consider my blog failed if it got less than 7 comments on it. These blogs truly were the social media of its time.

TheCapsFan - I chatted with him in some threads, he played mafia sometimes, and now he pretty much runs the forum I think. Unfortunately my final few years on the forum are a bit fuzzy to me and that includes what I talked about with Caps.

Theflamingbooger - Zach, I think. A chat thread regular, I idolized this guy for reasons I can't quite recall. Maybe a brother I never had kind of deal as he was like 8 years older older than me. He had a bad webcomic and became really into mlp later. He didn't really have a great sense of humour from what I remember, but was just averagely himself in the chat thread which was a nice chance of pace from the other whackos who posted there.

Themissingno. - Steve, a regular in our chat thread on the forum. Steve was truly like the older brother I never had, often teasing me, egging on my emotional outbursts (which would cause the mods to warn me to his enjoyment) with an odd sense of humour. But I don't think he ever did these things in bad spirit and was actually very fond of me. When I was whisked away into a skype mario kart chat he was actually a bit jealous which is pretty cute in hindsight. I met him irl once which was very fun.

Unown Lord - Guy who would only be in speculation forums for new games and post entire essays about how the next games should be prequels featuring apricorn pokeballs. If you told him his ideas were insane he'd write another essay on why you were stupid for disagreeing with him. He must've jizzed his pants when arceus legends was announced. Wish I didn't remember this guy.

Zeb - Liam, this guy hated my guts. I don't know why, I think he had issues. But by hating me he just gave me considerable power over him, any argument he started with me would inevitably lead to him having a meltdown. He was added to a skype group chat I was in and left after some time, probably because he couldn't take being around me any longer. I doubt he got far in life.

Zenax - a good mafia player who had the same age and birthday as my brother. Unfortunately I don't remember much else about him, I think he was a moderator at some point as well.

Zima - Zima might be the most wildcard person I've met on the site, obsessed with hetalia and I'm pretty sure she had some mental issues. They'd leave, come back, leave, changed her name constantly. She frequented a different chat thread than I did where I think people disliked her, but I was always quite fond of her.

While it's surprising to see I still remember a lot of people, it's also sad to see how many memories of those people have faded away. Some people have even blended together in my mind, making differentiation harder.

[pixelrenaissance]

Gemini SZN;

a long overdue update on exes, parasocial relationships and reclamation of my online space.

tw: abusive relationship/sexual assault/racism/

This month I will be turning 25.

I feel like it’s a age I genuinely didn’t think I’d make it to for a long time.

In retrospect, this blog has given me so much I can’t imagine a life in which I didn’t have it. The connections I fostered with people online when I was 16 on this blog have had such an impact on me. So many of my closest friends I met through this silly little ChubbyPixel blog. It and the handle have served me well.

However its time for a change.

-

I started this blog as a video game/video game YouTuber appreciation blog. In the same vein as game/grumps, normal/boots, and hidden/block. At the time there was a larger tumblr user in the same fan space as me who I was in a relationship with. A big reason we did get in a relationship was people “shipping” us together and saying uwu i ship it, yall would be so cute, etc etc. We were both underage, me being younger by a few yrs. This was extremely damaging to my overall mental health and perception of myself in a online space.

Like we weren’t even an adults or famous, we were just two popular blogs in a fan space, her way more than me but still. We were real people being seen as fictional characters to “ship”.

If I am completely honest if there’s any relationship I regret more in the world it would be this one. My ex, archer, truly deeply and sincerely was the worse thing to happen to me. This relationship was extremely toxic, one in which her friends would scream the N-word at me, emotional abuse, stalking, harassment, body shaming, I honestly could go on; But for my mental well being I rather not discuss it all.

For years as an victim of abusive gaslighting, I literally kept everything with the intention of sharing it all to “prove” that I was abused. However, I now come to realize I have nothing to prove to anyone when it come to my abuse story and how it effected me. I know, my therapist knows, and my partner knows and that’s good enough for me to put it away and begin to heal.

The stalking and harassment is the main reason I abandoned my blog; being that for *YEARS* after we had broken up I would get messages from her saying that I was nothing without her and that I would never be happy with anyone else. Not to say I was perfect either, I was also a dumb teenager and I definitely did some petty stuff like the whole “try to warn the exs new partner so they wouldn’t fall victim” thing as well- which went about as well as you would expect.

Intertwined in this were experiences with some adults who frankly preyed upon me as a underage inexperienced queer person to exploit me.

In 2019, however, is whenever it really got bad, as it probably was for many of you. As well as facing pandemic, loosing my mobility, and facing eviction, I was sexually assaulted by someone who I considered a very close friend who I knew for years at this point. This kinda broke my brain and I closed off from the world even more. The internet and tumblr were so stressful for me to look at, I was always just waiting for people to come back to harass me.

But I decided to take an extended break and gather myself. It’s taken years and alot of support from my amazing friends but I’m finally in a safe and somewhat stable place to where I want to reclaim my digital identity and persona.

I will be finally changing my blog name: Chubby/Pixel will be Pixel/renaissance in honor of my new era of growth and enlightenment as an artist and digital human. 

Thank you for reading, thanks for sticking around.

[oh-three]

Send me headcanons and tell me about your pet for the sleepover asks

Headcanons:

Cobb Vanth has never left Tatooine before.

Din Djarin is touch-starved.

Boba Fett is overly friendly with those he's closest to and randomly bear-hugs them if he's not seen them in a long time. (In the Mandoverse era)

Fives & Wrecker would be chaotic besties.

Young Tech forbiddingly studied a lot of things behind the instructors' backs. The Kaminoans gave up trying to train him out of it.

Omega actually was being trained as a medical assistant to Nala Se, and helped perform many different surgical operations.

Tech also has extensive medical knowledge, having had some extra medical training on top of everything else. (Still, he froze when one of their own was gravely injured for the first time.)

Tech often overextends himself to the point of passing out.

The Bad Batch would visit Cut's family when on leave.

Surface Pau’ans have a naming ritual for their young two-hundred and ten days after birth (six months, they just keep track by the day since full moons don’t work with there being nine of them)

Pau'an features darken with age, becoming more of the gray-white than the pristine white of youth. And their eyes, the irises gradually turn from gray to black.

My pets:

Brandy- the sole dog of the house. She's a cross between a Border Collie and a Black Lab, and almost nine and a half years old. We got her when she was a puppy, one of my mom's friends rescuing her from the home of someone who didn't know how to care for her. (We had another dog named Hardy, he was ten or eleven when he passed in 2020- there was a big change in Brandy's behavior after losing him, because he'd always been here with her)

Clyde- second oldest cat and the one we've had the longest. We got him and his sister from a foster home when they were kittens. She ended up having heart problems and having to be put down before reaching a year of age, and he's doing very well. He's overweight, always has been, but dieting only helps so much. He's twelve, now, and lost a tooth the other week.

Sassy- our oldest cat and the one we've had second longest. She was around three years old when we got her from the shelter, who had got her off of empty land off of the housing areas here. It's taken years to coach the aggressiveness out of her, and she still starts fights with Clyde despite going on thirteen herself.

GrayD- we got him from the same shelter we got Sassy at. Wouldn't stop meowing from the other side of the glass, and my youngest brother decided that's the one we were getting. He has a brother, and we saw him online again last year looking for a new home. Had the same name, coloring and shared GrayD's fur-length (they were kittens when we first saw them). I'm glad it's GrayD that we chose, though, because he has more personality than any other cat I've met. They're turning seven this year.

Rocket- got him from a different shelter, picked out again by my youngest brother. (My other brother picked Sassy out, and I'd picked out Sabrina, who'd passed after less than a year of having her in 2020). His original name was Jansky, and my dad hated it. He's named for his love for running around, and because he does kinda resemble Rocket the Racoon in his facial features. He's the only cat that we haven't declawed, so I still do get scratches by him a bit (he chose me as his favorite person). He's our quietest cat, doesn't meow much- and it's still quite high pitched despite him going on two this year. I carry him around on my shoulder, and he likes to rub his face on the corner of my glasses. My cat bestie.

Top image: Brandy

Bottom image, left to right: GrayD, Clyde (back), Rocket, Sassy

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: Stalking, social anxiety, social media pressure.

Seeking advice and suggestions about what to do.

To give some background info, social media wasn't huge while I was in high school. FB was really the only big site people around me used, but I didn't have too many friends during high school and I just wasn't that interested in it. Then, I got IG, which I really enjoyed for about 1 year. But thanks to IG I did run into some stalking situations and had a nervous breakdown, and even though I was an adult by the time I had it, my mom was upset and felt like it was something I did behind her back (she never explicitly said "No social media" but just assumed I'd never get IG because of me never being into it before).

It took me a long time to stop being anxious about social media but fast-forward to this year and now my current friends are using it, so I joined in, but I'm not really using it "with" them even though I've added them, it's not mutual.

When I added one of my friends they told me in advance that she doesn't always see people show up in her feed, which I understand, but I still thought she would've added me back after I told her my username?

I also have some friends who I added a long time ago but who never added me back, maybe because they didn't know me well enough back then, but I see them interacting with everyone else?

And then finally I have a friend who seems kind of similar to me (generally doesn't seem like a huge social media person but still likes some of the cute pictures and memes that end up on there; she's also my closest friend out of my current group). But I remember her getting stuck on the sign-up page (you know, the "Are you a human?" drag and drop tests), got annoyed, and gave up on trying to join since she said it was too hard for her to figure out. So I get where she was coming from but at the same time I felt a little upset because I think having her on there with me could've given me a confidence boost and maybe if our other friends saw me interacting with her, they'd add me back and include me in stuff, too.

I feel like it's kind of a silly thing to even think about. I'm not hugely into social media and at the end of the day I feel like my friends are my friends because we still do other activities together and get along. But I still get a sense of being on the outside looking in when I see them making inside jokes to each other and tagging each other in cute friendship memes and stuff. Plus because of my bad experiences with social media before, it actually did take me a lot of effort to finally pull out myself out of the severe anxiety and trauma I felt towards it and give it another shot.

I don't want to be one of those pushy people who's like "Hey, you need to add me!" especially since I have tried to like... "gently nudge" people into adding me before, and they haven't shown an interest back. I don't want to be "annoying" about it but it does make me feel left out sometimes, and then I blame myself for not knowing how to act on these sites, and what comes off as normal vs. annoying.

Hi anon,

I’m so sorry to hear of your social media experiences, especially in regards to stalking, and I’m so glad you’re safe.

Social media can be such a tricky thing - on multiple levels, and I can definitely relate to needing to learn how to navigate it a bit as an adult (since I come from a similar background in that it wasn’t huge while I was in high school either) - especially when it came to digital boundaries, including but not limited to, deciding who gets access to me, my privacy, and how we define “friendships.”

On one hand, social media allows us to be more connected than ever, with people we very likely might never have met in any other way (international friendships, niche interests, online groups, etc).  On the other hand, many people feel more alone than ever, and I truly believe in some instances it has to do with needing to ask ourselves, and be willing to share, what we want out of social media - and then explore a bit to see who else might share the same goals.

For example: 

How do you define the word friend?  Acquaintance?  Mutual?

Is there a certain amount of interaction you’re looking for?  Weekly?  Monthly?  

Do you have various levels of what you would consider intimate, vs casual?  Say, do you like the idea of sharing your birthday online, and getting multiple messages that day?  Would you prefer a digital card DM’d to you?  

Do you have any special interests, where you could join some online groups?  Sometimes finding that common interest can help get the conversations flowing and get to know people a bit easier as you dive deeper into exploring friendships.

These might seem like simple questions, but depending on someone’s boundaries and privacy they might have very different ideas than you on what they’re comfortable with.  And just like you should have the freedom and space to share what your hopes are as you explore these new relationships, so should they with you - maybe you’ll find overlaps, maybe you’ll realize it’s not the best fit, but that doesn’t mean it’s an automatic red flag, or says anything about you or the other person.

I do hear you on that fear of perception, of wanting to be cautious about how you try to engage, but I feel like you could do everything “right” and still be viewed as “annoying” by someone.  I feel it might be more about how you communicate your wants and needs early on so both parties can feel secure moving forward as they build a foundation of friendship.  And if you have these conversations, and you realize it’s not the relationship for you?  Then worst case scenario, you spare yourselves a bit of a heartache down the line, and make room for people who do share your similar interests.

Regardless of what you learn, and decide for yourself as you explore online friendships more, I hope you cultivate relationships in safe and mutual spaces, that add some joy and laughter to your day.

- Mod Kat

[oliviahallwriting]

Chapter 7

Less than an hour after Tom returned to his dorm, Laura texted him.

Did you figure out the “flowers” part of the email?

Laura

He rubbed his eyes and groaned. If he didn’t reply, maybe he could lay down for a while. Between meeting Laura and attending both of his classes, the day had been more exhausting than usual.

His phone lit up again.

Because I think I’ve cracked it.

Laura

Tom sat up, more alert.

Yeah?

Tom

Yeah, there’s a professor named Dr. Florence. Florence, flowers. You get it.

Laura

I’ve met him. He’s an asshole.

Tom

Maybe he’s the ‘thorns’, then, and his wife’s the rose. 

Laura

?

Tom

She’s a social worker in the city around campus. Thiry, forty-five minute walk away.

Laura

Oh. Good find. We should talk to her.

Tom

Yeah. Day after the party, if you're free. It’ll end later than her work hours, I’m sure.

Laura

Why not tomorrow? Get it out of the way?

Tom

Sure. I’ll meet you at Comel, same bench as earlier. 2 pm, if that works.

Laura

What about Armitage instead?

Tom

The design building?

Laura

Yeah. Have a class there right before.

Tom

You design?

Laura

Yeah. Larch.

Tom

Huh. That’s cool.

Laura

Tom looked back over the conversation and flipped his phone over. He rested on his side and gazed at the wall, where he’d tacked a few pictures of his family and his high-school buddies.

Hopefully that group was doing okay, Tom thought. He hadn’t spoken to any of them since high school, and rarely checked the group chat that one of them, Liam, had set up ages ago.

Maybe that made him a bad friend, he thought, wincing. Not that they would mind much. It wasn’t like he was close with any of them, despite a few interesting occasions, pool parties in middle school, hotel rooms after game tourneys, and a few other, sporadic moments when any or all parties were riding a flight of alcohol or a crash of adrenaline. They were those seldom-sober moments he remembered, untainted by the plague of self-consciousness and meanness that struck them all in high school.

Thoughts of good times brought Tom to pick up his phone again and check in on his friends’ group chat. Two of them, Liam and James, were online and in the middle of a call, so he joined in.

“Oh, hey, Tom,” Liam said. He was Tom’s closest friend from high school. They’d met in freshman year history bonding over the worst teacher either had ever had.

“Hey,” Tom replied.

“Ay, yo, dude, what’s up?” asked the other one, James.

“Not much,” Tom replied. Everyone’s camera was off, which was fortunate. He’d never been good at hiding facial expressions.

“Liam got a girlfriend,” James said. “She’s hot, too. We’re all jealous.”

“Yeah,” Liam said. “She’s great.”

“Since when?” Tom asked. He wasn’t particularly surprised; Liam had had four girlfriends in as many years. Their high school’s buzz claimed that Liam was the hottest of their group of six, but also, by the end of senior year, that he wasn’t ‘boyfriend material’. After all, he’d broken up with all four girlfriends on bad terms. What terms Tom never asked and never learned.

“Two weeks since I started college,” Liam said.

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“It was in the group chat,” Liam replied. “It’s not my fault you didn’t check. And you haven’t made it to any calls in the past couple months.”

“I’ve been busy,” Tom said. “With school and stuff.”

Liam made a hum of acknowledgement and dropped the subject. 

Tom hopped on his console and joined the game they were playing. Competitive chatter dominated the rest of the conversation. A few months ago, Tom wouldn’t have minded, but he found himself growing increasingly bored. Jun was a more fun opponent. At least he had things to say; now, he might as well have been playing single-player, or crack open some of his textbooks.

“So, what’s new with you guys?” Tom tried, between round losses.

“Classes are good,” Liam replied. “English is cool.”

“English Lit, right?” Tom asked. He’d vaguely recalled Liam telling him something similar, a year earlier, when college apps were due.

“Yeah,” Liam said. He didn’t elaborate. Didn’t Lit majors love to talk? Vanessa, at least, had liked chatting.

“Why do you like your classes?” Tom pressed, feeling, somehow, that even such an innocuous question would be nosy.

“I dunno,” Liam responded, with a tone that gave the impression of a shrug. Exhilarating.

“I made out with an English major at a party a while ago,” Tom said. He wasn’t trying to brag. Honestly, it wasn’t even his favorite topic of conversation, but it was better than nothing. It wasn't like he could talk about the email he’d received; they’d think he was nuts.

“No shit?” Liam asked. “You bag her?”

“Sure,” Tom said. He immediately regretted his choice of topic. Even the nothing from before would be better than this.

“You did or you didn’t,” James interjected.

“Yes, I did,” Tom said. “Since you’re going to be an asshole about it.”

“Chill, dude,” Liam said. “You brought it up. No need to get defensive.”

“Yeah, you said it,” James reiterated, before changing the subject back to their game.

Tom didn’t reply. He felt a little uneasy. Saying he kissed someone at a party shouldn’t have implied anything.

After a while, Liam asked him if he was feeling okay, since he hadn’t said much. A few minutes later, when the round ended, Tom made an excuse to leave, that he was going to eat dinner with friends from the dorm. 

He powered off the console and flopped back on his bed. So that was why he fell out of touch with those guys, he thought, and picked up his phone again.

What are you up to?

Tom

😀 Not much. You?

Jun

Taking a break from studying.

Tom

Oh yeah? 🤔

Jun

Yeah.

Tom

I was thinking about going to the pharmacy around the corner before it closes, if you want to come with? 👀

Jun

Oh, sure, I’ll come.

Tom

Meet you there in fifteen?

Jun

Cool.

Tom

Fifteen minutes later, Tom leaned against a wide stone column in front of the pharmacy. Three minutes passed before he spotted Jun a few blocks away. He watched, amused and unseen from his column, as Jun power-walked across the opposite street. There was a slightly rigid quality to his movements, Tom noticed, even from several yards away; a kind of self-consciousness that hadn’t existed when it was just the two of them in his dorm. 

“You nervous or something?” he asked, emerging from the column when Jun was close enough to see.

Jun all-but jumped into the air. Tom laughed, and then felt a little bad for laughing, so he coughed.

“Oh!” Jun said, and then gave an amused little huff. “Yeah, I don’t know. Strangers kind of stress me out.”

“That sounds like an obstacle,” Tom replied.

“I have to give a lot of interviews,” Jun replied. “And it’s not really a problem. I tell myself that the most they can do to me is, like, shout or insult me or whatever, and it helps a lot. It’s a lie, of course. Hate crimes exist.”

Tom blinked hard. Jun was fun to talk to, but he needed to work on his transitional phrases; the whiplash was severe.

“What?”

“I mean, not to bum you out. They’re really not that common, and I’m not in one of the most targeted groups or anything.”

Tom thumped his shoulder. “Probably nothing,” he said. “Though I’m sure if you got super jacked, you’d see even less.”

“Less than nothing?”

“Yeah. Uber-nothing. Hyper-nothing, which is the name of my techno-grunge band’s first album.”

They moved into the store and slowly started to browse the aisles. 

“I guess I was also kind of nervous because I’d just been on a call with my parents,” Jun said.

“Oh, yeah?” Tom asked. He hadn’t heard anything about Jun’s family, other than that his parents both existed. “How was that?”

Jun shrugged.

“Okay, I guess. I don’t know, man. I feel like I’m always on my toes with them, and it doesn’t help that they call me every other day. I mean, I get it, only child and all, but it’s too much time. Sometimes I research random subjects the night before just to avoid dead air.”

Tom nodded. “I get you,” he said. “I feel like most of my conversations nowadays are kind of, I don’t know. Forced. Not with you, though.”

Jun smiled and turned to look at some of the stuff on the aisles. A section of the aisle was encased in plastic and locked, with a sign reading “SEE SALES ASSOCIATE”. 

It took Tom a moment to notice that the guarded wares were boxes of condoms. He felt the heat of a blush come to him, and prayed that Jun wouldn’t notice his obvious embarrassment.

“Oh, fun,” Jun said, gesturing to the condoms. “Speaking of which, do you ever get phone calls at terrible times? Like, when you’re really, uh, busy? I swear my parents pick the worst times to call.”

Tom choked on his own spit.

Jun chortled meanly, which felt both a little too cutting and somewhat out of character. 

“Prude,” he said. “I thought you should know that, legally, you have to let me know if you’re an evangelical.”

“What? No. And am I not allowed to be embarrassed when my friend is publicly horny?” “No one’s paying attention,” Jun said. “And I’m not being that horny.” “You were staring at me in the gym,” Tom said. “And now you’re talking about this in a store?”

“What am I talking about?” Jun asked. His inflection was innocent, but there was a daring fire in his eyes. 

“Don’t make me say it,” Tom replied, with a sigh.

Jun paused a second longer. When it was obvious that Tom was serious, he raised an eyebrow.

“Huh,” he said, finally. “Okay.”

The next little while held an odd sort of tension. Tom had the impression that Jun was simply too polite to ask what was on his mind. It wasn’t like he needed to explain anything further.

The moment passed when they reached the cereal aisle. More accurately, it was the cereal section of the snack aisle. Jun picked up one of the sweet ones.

“My parents don’t keep this one in their house,” he said, breaking the air. “But it’s on the bottom of my hierarchy of needs. You know, Maslow’s. Air, water, rest, Cinna-bomb Twists.”

“You need milk or something, too?”

“Lactose intolerant, unfortunately,” Jun said. “I scarf cereal dry, by the handful. And before you say that that makes me a gremlin, well, first of all, rude, and second of all, agreed.” 

“You said it, not me.”

“And you won’t, if you know what’s good for you,” Jun replied, giving Tom a playful punch to his shoulder.

They walked down another aisle. This one was full of shampoos and other shower products.

Tom noticed, in the lull of conversation, that the store’s loudspeaker was playing an advertisement, a basic little run for some kind of cologne. When he’d worked for that sporting-goods store over the summer, his coworkers had only used the loudspeaker to call employees to the back. Apparently, the company’s research and development team found that interrupting customers as they were shopping with janky, static-filled audio tended to be counterproductive. Truly a work of research genius. 

“Wait,” Jun said. “I have to know. What do you use?”

“What, like, in this aisle?” Tom asked, before gesturing to one of the bottles of 3-in-1.

“No. Absolutely not.” “But it does three things,” Tom defended. “You don’t need another product. Pretty sure you do the dishes with it, too.”

“You’re making me sad,” Jun said. “At least use a different shampoo.”

“But it’s fine,” Tom replied, though Jun’s certainty was making him doubtful. “Otherwise they wouldn’t sell it.”

“Marketing,” Jun said simply, “is a monster. You know how many millions were spent making you think that three-in-one works?”

“Okay, mister haircare. Why doesn’t it work? Because the alternative is buying three different products when one works just as well.”

“Well, use your mind. Your goals are to clean the oils and dirt from your hair and body, which, admittedly, you can sort of interchange, in that you can clean your skin with shampoo if you really want. But like, you don’t want to add oils to your hair by using a product that also takes them away. At best it’d be a little uneven.”

It made some sense, Tom supposed.

“So, what should I use instead?”

“Any shampoo that you like the smell of, like one of these really masc ones,” Jun said. He gestured to a section of the aisle where every product was a shade of black or silver.

“What if I want a shampoo that has a color on it?”

“You can’t,” Jun replied without hesitation. “Big Haircare thinks that colors make you gay. Why else would we use a rainbow?”

Tom chortled and scanned the aisle. When he looked back, Jun was holding a body wash to his nose.

“It’s mango coconut,” he said, before he clicked the lid open and sniffed the contents.

“I don’t believe you,” Tom said, but he couldn’t hide a grin. “Are you even allowed to do that?”

“Honestly? No idea. I sniff the candles, too, but everyone does that.” “They really don’t. Sorry to break the news.”

“They do, but whatever. Here, smell it.” Jun passed the body wash to Tom. It impressed, on the nose, a delightful Tahitian fruit bouquet.

“It’s nice,” Tom replied, before Jun passed another bottle to him.

“Here, try this one,” he said. “The loudspeaker keeps peddling it. Pretty sure I’ve seen TV ads for it, too, or at least, its cologne version.”

Tom smelled the body wash and immediately wished he hadn’t. The scent, Impulse, was strong enough to make him cough, and was somehow both minty and musky. There was something disturbingly, falsely sweet in it, too. He recoiled and passed the bottle back.

“Ugh,” he said. “I can’t imagine anyone buying that. Especially not the cologne, if this is the weaker version.”

Curious, Jun smelled the thing before Tom could stop him. His nose wrinkled, and he fumbled the bottle. 

“God in heaven, that’s rancid. I don’t know how it’s apparently selling out,” he said, gesturing to an empty stack in the aisle.

Tom tried a few of the brand’s other scents, and they were all significantly more appealing. He even smelled another Impulse bottle, in case the first one had gone bad somehow, but they smelled the same.

“I guess there’s no accounting for taste,” he said, though Jun was already striding away from the aisle, towards the pharmacy. “You’d think they’d stop advertising something that was already selling out.”

“I’m over it,” Jun said. “My nose has to recover.” He got his meds and met with him at the cash register, where he chatted with one of the sales associates. Apparently they were part of the same A/V club.

Tom glanced at Jun’s credit card and took out his own wallet.

“Don’t even think about it,” Jun said. “I’ll pay for your stuff too. You spotted my gym stuff earlier, remember?”

“Oh, right.”

“But I would’ve paid anyway,” he continued, without missing a beat.

“That’s nice of you,” Tom said. He felt warm.

They returned to campus.

“Unfortunately, I already had dinner,” Tom said. It was true that he’d eaten a microwave burrito from his mini-fridge on call with his high-school guys. Calling that “having dinner” was a stretch, but it was technically true.

“Okay,” Jun said cheerfully. “I’ll hold you to it.”

Chapter

Armitage Hall was spacious, with pine rafters and a gorgeous second-story balustrade. A few dioramas in clear plastic lined the hallway walls. Master’s students, Tom decided. The pretentiousness of their written descriptions gave it away.

A modest library welcomed him at the end of the hall. A few students sat inside, laptops and notes open in front of them. The chairs were visibly more stuffed than the sad lot in the main library, though that spoke more to the administration’s priorities. The huge, main library had to look grand and appealing for the touring high-schoolers, but it was the small, major-specific libraries that were actually comfortable. And, Tom supposed, the Quirby.

Five minutes of aimless browsing passed before La Marschiena chimed two. The belltower, only blocks away, thundered loud as a gong. Tom looked up, startled, and was startled further to see Laura suddenly in front of him, even before the final reverberations. She was a specter, Tom thought. A goddamn ghost!

“You’re punctual,” he said, needlessly.

“I’m efficient.”

“Do you teleport to class, too?”

“Maybe you’re just slow,” Laura replied, shaking her head. “Too busy learning the layout of a building to know how to walk through it.”

Tom laughed and gave her a little nod of acknowledgement. Maybe he’d gotten off on the wrong foot with her.

“Oh, speaking of routes. You said you found Mrs. Florence’s address?”

“Yeah,” Laura said. “I also looked up Kiyana’s socials for you. I figured you hadn’t yet.”

Shit, he had meant to do that.

They found a secluded set of padded chairs in the library’s Architectural History section. Laura showed him her phone, opened a social media app, and started to scroll a few months back. Photos of another college glanced back at him; apparently Kiyana had transferred from an out-of-state four-year. Mostly, though, Kiyana’s timeline was full of pictures of Loftman State. Lab equipment, artfully arranged on clean desks. Elegant cursive and aesthetic highlighted notes. Football stadiums and cheering fans, starting in the fall. There were tons of them; she must’ve posted at least once per day.

“I don’t see anything weird,” Tom said. “Her taste is actually kind of basic, if you want my opinion.”

“You didn’t notice? Well, see that it starts very, for lack of a better term, ‘light academia’,” Laura said, gesturing to the pictures Kiyana had taken over the summer. Clean science labs, well-organized notebooks, milk tea, cocktails. Beach volleyball and soccer, since the football season wouldn’t have started yet. A blonde woman kept showing up in her pictures, too; probably a best friend. “And she posted frequently, every day or so. But, starting a few weeks ago, her posts changed. This was around when you said you got that message from your grandmother.”

Laura kept scrolling. More pictures of food, more selfies. Kiyana showed her face more in videos, judging by the thumbnails. There were a few couple-y photos of her and the blonde, including a few where they were kissing. Girlfriends, then.

“The videos are mostly rants about how much pressure she’s in,” Laura said. “She’s had some mental health stuff recently.”

“That’s pretty normal,” Tom said. “Fall term, tough subject. Maybe some seasonal affective shit, too.”

“I don’t know, this was pretty intense,” Laura continued. “And she wasn’t specific about any of it.”

“Did you watch the videos? All of them?” Tom asked. There had to be at least a few hours’ worth of footage.

Laura nodded.

“Wow, thanks,” Tom replied. He’d definitely been too harsh on Laura; she’d done more work for this than he had. And watching a few hours of someone apparently on the edge didn’t sound like a fun way to spend an evening.

“She hadn’t filmed any of those videos until week eight or so of the fall term,” Laura said. “She’d had two summer classes, and was the T.A. for two more, which would stress anyone out, but we didn’t really see that with her previous posts. So this is definitely a break from what we’d expect.”

“Sometimes these things just happen,” Tom said, with a frown. What Laura was doing felt intrusive, even though it was public information, and she was trying to get to the bottom of his little mystery. “Maybe we should leave her alone. You don’t really need a reason to be sad.”

“Well, I would, but now I think she’s part of it,” Laura said. “Also, it doesn’t really feel normal to me. Normal sadness, I mean. Or even depression, which you think is normal and I don’t. We’ve gone over this before. But it’s neither of those.”

“Bold claim,” Tom said.

“Watch,” Laura replied. She tilted her phone to him again. From the video, it looked like Kiyana was about a foot away from the camera.

“Y’all, I can’t do this,” Kiyana said, through the video. She was crying, and the emotion was stark in her voice. “I should probably talk to someone. Jennifer says I should, but it’s not like I’ve told her what’s on my mind. I can’t! I can’t tell anyone! They’re after me and after her and, uh, chalk it up to me being paranoid or something, I guess. I just thought you all should know that I’m having some trouble, so give me your best wishes, your prayers, as this blows over. As they say, this, too, shall pass.”

Tom looked away from the screen, but the pain in her voice was tough to hear even without seeing her face. The video kept playing.

“Even y’all in the comment are gonna reply with ‘you can talk to me, I’m sure it’s not that bad,’ but you’re wrong. I’m losing my mind, y’all. Jen, bless her heart, is the only one keeping me going. Gotta push through. Just a couple more months and I’m out of this joint.”

Tom fought the catch in his throat and muttered “Yikes.”

“See?” Laura asked.

He nodded.

“Hey, are you okay?” Laura tried to catch his eye, but he quickly looked at the ground. “Tom?”

“I’ve been such a dick,” he mumbled. “Thanks for believing me.” Laura’s smile was soft. “I’d wondered if you’d be self-aware enough to admit it, and you’re welcome.”

“I was, uh, I was kind of desperate. Haven’t made a lot of friends.” He couldn’t find the words to continue for a while, but Laura was patient. “High school was different, I think. People surrounded you if you were mean.”

“I don’t know if it helps, but I don’t have many, either. Close ones, anyway.”

He finally met Laura’s gaze. If she knew he’d teared up a little, she didn’t say.

“Can you believe it?” she said. “Me, the weird science girl, like two friends? Why do you think I waited for you outside your class the other day?”

“I thought you were curious about the email,” Tom said.

“No, it wasn’t my problem then. Maybe it is now, but not then. You think I had anything better to do? I finally had an excuse to talk to someone outside of class. I wasn’t going to give that up, even if you were a dick at the time, and maybe a little unhinged.”

Tom listened to her, and realized that both Laura and Jun would like him better if he dropped the tough-guy thing. It wasn’t like he cared about how anyone else at the school saw him. His high-school friends weren’t worth keeping on the mask. He could drop them and appreciate that the moments he’d enjoyed their company wouldn’t come again.

They passed the opening to an ominous-looking walkway, a dark, stony path between several restaurants.

“Lovers’ Path,” Laura commented. “Ironic, since it’s a terrible place for a date.”

“Oh, yeah?”

Laura nodded. “The stone walls trap moisture, and there’s lots of chewed gum. You can walk through okay without hitting the sides, but no one bothers. Despite the efforts of some of our most ambitious frats, there’s not even enough there to be modern art, let alone a tourist destination.”

Tom squinted in disgust and moved a little quicker past the alley.

Eventually Laura led them from the architectural library to one of the streets heading away from campus. They reached a building, hidden within a business park and, then, down a walkway. Touched by both the mottled afternoon sun and the late-November cold, the walkway encouraged sweaters and coffee.

They reached a building after a few short moments, a stone-and-glass piece with a front-facing wooden sign reading “Loftman State Social Research and Support Institute”.

“Mrs. Florence works somewhere in here,” Laura said.

Tom took her word for it. He wasn’t sure he knew what social workers did, less so why they would work in what looked more like a research institute.

“You think he was her patient? Client? Whatever?” he asked.

“What?”

“Dr. Florence,” Tom explained. “Do you think they met here, or do you think it was a collaboration between this place and Loftman’s science department? Or do you think she wanted to learn more about evolutionary biology?”

Laura blinked hard and walked slower.

“Why would that matter? You’re so nosy,” she said, but it didn’t sound mean. “Is this what you think about?”

“Only because the message implied that the two were a pair, and that we need one of them,” he replied. “Unless you forgot.”

“How could I? You mention the message, on average, once an hour. I counted.”

“Excuse me for trying to gather clues.”

“You’re excused,” she said. “Actually, it’s kind of nice to see you get so passionate about this.”

Tom paused in front of the facility to press a metal button on a nearby post. The glass doors opened inward.

The receptionist knew who Mrs. Florence was and directed them to a solid wooden door. The words “Anne Florence” were painted on an adjacent wooden panel. Tom knocked and heard someone, presumably Mrs. Florence, call for them to come in.

Mrs. Florence looked to be fifty, give or take a decade. Nothing much unusual about her, Tom thought, nor her office. Not that he knew what he should look for. Maybe it was suspicious that she was middle-aged, or had a coffee maker. Or, perhaps, that she had a pride flag on the wall— the updated one, with the trans colors—or a zen garden sand tray on her desk, inlaid with delicate, rake-drawn patterns.

Lura introduced them both. Neither of them had considered using a false name, and, when he realized, Tom shifted in his seat. If Mrs. Florence was the “thorns” part of the pair, maybe it was trouble that she knew his name. BUt now it was too late, and Laura was asking her if she thought there was anything strange about her husband, or if she’d heard about anything suspicious in the science department.

“This would be the first I’ve heard about it,” Mrs. Florence said, and frowned. “Is there something I should know about?” “Mrs. Florence,” Laura started, “Have you heard what your husband’s students are saying about him?”

“Laura, what—” Tom interrupted, but Laura quieted him with a glance and continued.

“They say that his lectures have gone downhill over the past few months,” she said, and pulled up a website on her phone.

“My husband? You have the right Dr. Florence, correct? Michael Florence?” Mrs. Florence said. Then, she said, quieter, as though it were a long shot, “Because there’s a Dr. Fleur, but I suppose she’s in the psychology department.”

“I’m sorry, but yes, your husband,” Laura confirmed. “This website lets students comment on their professors. This is one of several students who complained about politics overwhelming the lessons.”

Mrs. Florence looked at the phone and started to scroll through the page. Tom was curious as to what she’d find; Laura hadn’t brought up the ‘politics’ angle to him before. 

After a few seconds, Mrs. Florence was glaring at the phone, her hands trembling.

“Please leave,” she said. “I refuse to believe what you’re showing me. My husband isn’t a, what are they calling him? A bigot? He’s anything but! I haven’t heard him say anything like that, let alone teach it to a class! And I’m pretty up-to-date with this sort of thing, for an old codger.”

Tom stood up. “Okay,” he said. “I apologize. I didn’t know what she was going to say.”

“I don’t even know where they got that from,” Mrs. Florence said, quiet to the point where it had to be unintentional. “I’ve been to his lectures before.” She looked up at Laura and Tom again, and, when she spoke, it was direct and loud. “I meant it. Please go, and don’t ask for me again.”

They left.

After a block or so, Tom turned to Laura. “Why did you say that? You had to know that’d make her mad.”

“It could have been relevant,” Laura said. “A few people were discussing the professor in the comments of Kiyana’a videos. Now, in retrospect, it probably wasn’t worth it, since it’ll be tough to get through to her if she turns out to have anything to say.”

Tom nodded. That part of the conversation had mystified him. He wasn’t sure whether or not to be frustrated at Laura for alienating one of their leads; it wasn’t like he’d thought to look at either Dr. Florence’s classroom ratings or Kiyana’s comments page.

The walk back to campus was cold, with an added bite from the few minutes they’d been indoors. They took a break to eat dinner at a burrito place down the corner from campus. Laura clearly enjoyed the chance to talk about other subjects. Apparently she had a, quote, “brick of a dog”, and lived with a few roommates only a mile or so from campus.

Tom noticed that her typical monotone delivery dropped when she talked about her dog. He’d assumed it was innate; curious.

Laura paid for the meal and reminded him of the party in a couple days.

“We were going to talk to Kiyana, remember?’

“Yeah. Maybe I can meet your dog or something before we go,” Tom replied.

“You’ll love him,” she stated, as if it were indisputable.”Everyone does.”

Tom tended towards cats, himself; most of them seemed to have a regal presence. Not that he’d met a lot of cats, or grown up with pets.

“See you then,” he said.

Laura turned and started to power-walk down the sidewalk, towards her home. The sun had set by then, leaving Tom to return to his dorm in the dark.

[nsfwmiamiart]

If Jameela Jamil wants to become your friend, she will simply ask you. When she moved to Los Angeles four years ago, without knowing anyone except her boyfriend, she had to start over in the friendship department — and she had to take risks to create a circle of friends she could rely on in this new city.

Studies show that nearly 26% of French people feel lonely — yet one might think otherwise when looking at our newsfeeds, which seem to only show groups of friends brunching every weekend — and Jamil’s goal is to destigmatize the conversation around loneliness and the challenge of making friends as an adult. That’s why she teamed up with Bumble BFF for their #AskingForAFriend campaign, to encourage women to develop a network of friends and to help them feel supported. We talked with the actress and activist about social anxiety, her radically inclusive and positivity-promoting Instagram account, I Weigh, and of course, her "work wife" Ted Danson.

Refinery29: What advice would you give to someone trying to make friends in a new city?

Jameela Jamil: I believe our generation is too afraid of being rejected, and it’s important to learn that rejection isn’t fatal or even necessarily a bad thing. If someone says no to you, it’s not the end of the world, whether it’s in love or friendship. But to get there, you have to start by taking risks and putting yourself out there, because we often underestimate how many people feel the same way we do. You have no idea how many times I’ve asked someone out for a drink or just suggested becoming friends, and they’ve told me they hadn’t dared to ask me and were happy I did. And that would never have happened if I hadn’t taken the risk of embarrassing myself and being told no when I first moved to Los Angeles. I knew no one here except my boyfriend. Making friends here required a lot of effort, and sometimes I had to push myself out of my comfort zone. I’m glad I did because I count some of these people among my best friends. It’s very important to learn how to express our desire to become friends. Because of what we see in movies, I feel like we’re supposed to be friends with the people we went to high school or college with and that these people will remain our friends forever — that we make our friends when we are young. That’s so wrong. I met my closest friends later in life — most of them just before I turned 30. Community is very important to me. Since I’m not really close to my family, my friends have become my family.

Have you made friends online?

I’ve made friends among the I Weigh community on Instagram, where there is a real sense of solidarity. Even though we come from all over the world, just communicating through messages and caring for each other has brought me a lot and helped me realize I’m not alone. Loneliness is so detrimental, not only to our mental health but also to our physical health. We need friends to stimulate our happy hormones and reduce our stress levels, to have someone to confide in and share a sense of community with. Without these things, we end up becoming very, very stressed, and then we get sick because of it.

It is extremely important to admit these things — and I believe it’s partly because social media sometimes gives us a false sense of community. I’m not saying it’s impossible to find a sense of community on social media, because it is entirely possible, but social media can sometimes make us feel like we know what’s going on in our friends' lives when in reality, we don’t. We see their good moments and think we know what’s happening in their lives, but that’s not true, because no one is completely honest on social media.

Why did you choose to collaborate with Bumble on this campaign?

It really spoke to me. I didn’t necessarily have many friends when I was younger — in fact, I didn’t really have friends until I was 19 — so I felt incapable of socializing and had major social anxiety issues in my early twenties. Learning how to make friends is the most constructive thing I’ve done, and I’ve experienced the impact that having friends to surround you can have on your life. Plus, I love that Bumble encourages women to take the first step and take their happiness into their own hands, whether it’s for finding love, friendship, or even work. And I’m the kind of person who will clearly ask if someone wants to be friends.

Many friendships develop in the workplace. How about you? Do you have what’s called a "work wife"?

I would say that Ted Danson is my work wife. He’s someone who has taught me so much, both as an actress and as a friend. He has taught me a lot about caring for others and how to do it, and I’m so happy I met him. I’m glad he opened his door to me, took me under his wing, and showed me the ropes of this industry.

What do you think about groups of friends? Is that real for you? How do you find a group of friends as an adult?

Having a group of friends becomes less important as we get older. With our busy schedules, it’s just impossible. We might feel like we should have a group of girlfriends, like in Sex and the City. You wonder if these women had jobs. How did they manage to meet for brunch every day? It’s impossible to organize a meeting with my friends that often — if we manage to meet once a month, that’s a lot. I tend to believe in individual friendships. You hope your friends get along, but in the end, it doesn’t matter if they do or don’t. Our personalities have different facets, and it’s important to have different friends who match those different facets. I love spending time one-on-one. I tend to feel a sort of social anxiety when I find myself in a group of more than five people.

In your opinion, what was missing from the social media debate, and what motivated you to launch I Weigh?

I joined social media only a few years ago, and I had no idea about the pressure on women’s weight. I didn’t know that some people posted photos of women with their weight written across them. The only number you’d write on a photo of a man would be his salary or his fortune — no one cares about a man’s weight. Then I noticed that this phenomenon was becoming more and more frequent. So I decided to post how much I weigh on Twitter and Instagram. When I say that, I mean my financial independence, my activism, the health issues I’ve overcome, my anxiety, my boyfriend, my best friend, everything that makes me who I am.

So I posted this photo, not expecting to get any responses, but thousands of women replied before the end of the day. That’s when I realized that even after a few weeks, the responses didn’t slow down. So I created an Instagram account to provide a platform to host all these photos of women and what they weigh and all their experiences. It’s been over a year and a half now, and our network is strong with 750,000 people and continues to grow. By the end of the year, we should become a multimedia platform that aims to be radically inclusive to ensure that those who have never felt included have someone to turn to. The goal of I Weigh is to make sure no one feels left out.

You are a public figure with many followers, and you have long defended the body positivity movement and authenticity, especially on social media. Do you feel it is your duty to speak out against things that go against your beliefs?

I had a very difficult adolescence — partly because of my family situation but also because of the world I was growing up in. Because of society and the media, and the fact that the role models I admired in magazines and on TV weren’t very good. So, if I’m given the privilege of speaking through this platform, I’m determined to use it responsibly to repair all the damage that was done to me and that cost me years of happiness. I don’t do it out of a sense of duty but rather out of a sense of what is right. I simply don’t want anyone to be as unhappy as I was when I was a teenager, and that’s what motivates me. I’m committed to spending the rest of my life tackling this issue because I have the power to make a difference.