#that was also around the same time I met some of my closest online friends too

[crazylittlejester]

I’m curious to know what background you’ve created for Wild in your modern au (if you have)

I’ve seen him mentioned in a bunch of your other posts about the main three so I thought you might have some things to share with us about him 🤷

The au definitely centers around Wars, Twilight and Sky, but of the six others, Wild is someone who pops up most frequently because the main three all know him and also he is Wars’s closest and oldest friend (Time and Legend are the other two who pop up a lot, Time being Twi’s adoptive father/uncle and Legend being Sky’s coworker and also he lives directly below the main three). I talked a bit about Wild’s background here when I was saying how he met the others, but I can talk more about him :)

(my bad for spelling errors or weird grammar mistakes)

- Wild and Wars have known each other close to 15 years because they skated together. they’re about a year and a half-ish apart and separated by 2 school grades (though they definitely shouldn’t be because Wars is very young for the like. year of school he’s in (?)). They were close when they were little, like 5 and 7 to 12 and 13/14, but once they were competing (and competing against each OTHER) their coaches kinda pit em against each other and they grew apart though they were never MEAN to each other

- Wild was basically raised just to become a world champion. He grew up thinking that was the only way he could earn worth, and it really sucked because his entire childhood was hearing everyone talk about WARS and how WARS was going to become a top skater and someone who’d be remembered in history and Wild started to hate him a bit when they were like 14 and 15/16 because he just could not beat Wars

- Throughout grade school he became very close with Mipha because as a swimmer she too understood what it was like to have to wake up before school and go to practice and they bonded over that. They’re still very good friends even though she goes to college on the other side of hyrule

- The year Wars qualified to compete as an adult he did, and Wild was so excited that entire year because he felt like he actually had a chance and even the coaches and people online were saying he was likely to win gold, and he spent an entire year pushing himself to his limit and training so so so hard because he finally had his chance, and then at the comp he didn’t land a jump properly and he fell and just destroyed his hip. He tried to keep going and he just couldn’t and he wasn’t able to finish and ended up needing surgery. Wars was one of if not THE first one to visit him, and realizing that Wars never hated him at all and that he’d literally dropped everything to check on him meant an awful lot to Wild

- It was very hard for him to retire from skating because his self worth and how he viewed himself was so connected to how he preformed, but his doctors and physical therapists told him it would likely be impossible for him to ever get to a point where he could perform the same and they didn’t tell him to quit COMPLETELY but Wild viewed it as an all or nothing situation so he did

- Things were rough for him for a while, relearning how to move and manage his pain and then on top of that having to figure out what to do with his LIFE, but eventually he found fashion and photography. Wars was there for him through all of it (as much as he could be because he was very busy, but he texted Wild multiple times a day and they would call like 4 times a week), and Wild was there for Wars when HE retired too

- Some days he can get around alright, other days he uses a cane or crutch to help him walk and reduce pain. On good days he’ll sometimes go mess around at the rink with Wars, not doing anything too crazy

- Wild’s a fashion/art major in college now, he goes to the same school as the others, and he and Wars meet up at LEAST 2-3 times a week. Wars was his first real friend and the person in his life he’s the closest to, they understand each other and the shit they both went through in a way no one else can. Wild helps Wars film tiktoks of him skating, Wars models for anything Wild needs him to, if Wars needs professional photos for anything Wild will take them, if Wild ever needs someone to go shopping for fabrics with he’ll grab Wars. Twilight also gets dragged along sometimes but his eyes start to glaze over looking at the different fabrics and yarns because its all just shapes and colors to him almddkkd

- He loves sewing, knitting, crocheting, and quilting. All his close friends have been gifted blankets and a handmade little guy at some point. He also makes jewelry

- He LOVES to do fun things with his hair. He hasn’t cut it since he stopped skating (aside from trims to keep it healthy) so thats nearly four years of hair growth and its decently long

[roseofcards90]

Not me going through all my liked songs and seeing all the ones I added because of my roommate before 😭 augh I’m reminded of how I wish I could go back…

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

My IRL ex who lives abroad now is dating my online friend who also lives there and I am deceiving them, AITA?

All of us are Asian, 29. Fake names are used.

My ex (Fred) was my childhood best friend, we grew up together in the same conservative society, people expected to see us marry since we were kids, all that jazz. At 18, we both moved away and kept up LDR. Moving meant big changes of course, I was in a huge city and I had internet access for the first time. I became a BTS fan in 2013, I started creating and reading a lot. I joined tumblr, made friends from all over the world. I was being radicalized rapidly, and I figured out I was bi too. My world was suddenly a million times bigger.

He however, didn't change much. He was scientific minded unlike most people here and his friends were all STEM kids but they were still functionally right leaning. He was racist when it came to BTS or East Asians in general. He was ignorant and happy to ignore queer existence, he used to say things like queer people needed to be shown the right path. We were turning out to be quite the opposites. Eventually we broke up. He was heartbroken, he tried to drag me back in many times and I avoided him like plague. I managed to ditch him completely when we were about 23. He left for USA to study.

Around the same time I befriended one of my closest online friends, Daphne. We lived in the same state but she was always traveling so we never got to meet. We're both hellsite veterans and keep our identities under lock & key so we don't know our real names or exact place of work, but we know each other's deepest kinks and childhood traumas, and stories about our exes. We both had the same kind of interests, politics, and fandoms, we're both bisexual. I've also come out as a trans man a few years ago and I go by a masculine name online, can't transition IRL. Daphne's known me since my girl era. Daphne left for USA last year for her Masters.

Now the wild part, by some twist of fate, Daphne met Fred who's also working on his Masters in an adjacent field. It is by no means a niche subject and USA is the fourth largest country, they still found each other. He sang in our first language at some party, he's very hot, and... he's into BTS like her. Wild. So they're now dating.

They started following each other on twitter and he followed a bunch of her friends including Me! We have exchanged pleasantries and while on his account he has his real name and location, mine is a mixed bag account with my fake name and my (sfw) queer creations all over it.

I know who He is but he doesn't know who I am, he thinks I'm just one of Daphne's dudes, and Daphne doesn't know that she's dating my ex who she had promised to drop into the Challenger's Deep (joke). My reasoning for hiding the truth is-- It's still not safe for me to be out IRL and he can mess it up. I remember his bigotry, I hate him, I have every right to avoid him and here that means not revealing my identity. But it's been years so maybe he has changed, and Daphne is my friend. So, I feel like a massive ahole for not telling her at least. At the same time she really did hate my racist homophobic right leaning ex a lot, so knowing the truth will make things awkward and I don't want to lose my friend.

So, there you have it. AITA?

BTW, no I'm not into BTS ships or reader insert fantasies, that's not what I create. I know someone would ask about it so there. I'm also Not attracted to Daphne, if I was I'd have asked her out straight away, I don't play around about my crushes.

What are these acronyms?

[imabillyami]

Who are the moots you'd love to meet irl?? 😆

I‘m gonna lead with a bit of an explanation of how things worked for me in the past, just to put it into context a bit:

I’ve formed some really great connections via tumblr over the past 15 years (oh my god I can’t believe I’ve been here for about 15 years 😭) in many different fandoms and I’ve met up with a lot of current or former mutuals in that time, some of whom are now my closest friends irl.

I know that’s not for everyone, but for me it’s always been easier to form connections online first before taking the plunge into real life meetings and friendships. I’m not great at connecting with or getting to know people I meet in my day to day life, so doing it online has always been my preferred way and feels safe in a way. I’m not very good at talking to total strangers or at first impressions, so knowing someone from talking online already gives me that extra level of security and courage.

Some close relationships have never progressed past the online stage cause either I wasn’t comfortable or the other person wasn’t and I respect that and so did the other people involved.

Whenever I’ve met up with someone it’s never been about ‘oh this is a friendship dealbreaker to me’, but always been a ‘this feels organic and feels like the natural progression and logical next step in our friendship’. And sometimes it was just a ‘you’re gonna be there? oh cool, me too. let me know if you wanna meet!’. That being said I also have online friendships that have lasted for almost 10 years and are still going strong that never involved anything but texting.

But yeah. In my experience it’s never been awkward and I’ve never had a weird silence with anyone I’ve met up with. Simply because it was based on long term conversations and/or good vibes we’ve shared before. I’d also like to think that once you really get to know me like that, I’m just very easy and comfortable to be around.

So yeah. I’ve traveled with (former) moots, I’ve visited people (after having met up at conventions and concerts and in other settings previously -> remember: always meet in a public setting with plenty of people around first, just to be sure and for your own safety), I’ve had people visit my home, I’ve spent birthdays and Christmases and vacations with them. It’s how I have friends all over the world these days anywhere I go basically.

My longest lasting friendship that started on tumblr as an online friendship and survived offline to this day/ has been going strong for 10+ years now. We don’t live in the same country, but I’ve visited her, she’s visited me, we vacationed together and I met her husband, kid and all her extended family.

I met my best friend through tumblr as well, working on a fan project/managing a fan account together for a couple of years. Again, not living in the same country, but we meet up whenever we can, we traveled and had plenty of incredible experiences together over the years and other than that we video-chat and text a lot.

I even met my local bestie (though she recently moved away from here) via fandom/tumblr. We talked online a bunch, met up at a couple of conventions and she ended up helping me find an apartment and a job and opening her home to me for a while where I live now. I’m seeing her for Christmas.

And that’s just three of the amazing connections I formed here.

So this being said, I know the kind of amazing relationships that can come from tumblr and sharing fandom experiences and the same interests. But I also know that different people have different boundaries, so I’d never wanna pressure someone into meeting me or would react badly if they said they didn’t want to. I’m very much an introvert, some would even say a hermit these days, but I become a situational extrovert when I’m around the right people.

Just putting that out there, so the people I’m about to mention don’t feel awkward about it or feel any need to ‘let me down slowly’ or something like that.

I’m European-based and lots of the people I’d love to meet are on different continents, so that’s always a but difficult.

I recently met up with someone from the Wrestling fandom at Bash in Berlin and we had the best time, but that was a bit easier, cause they are European as well.

And I met up with a moot/friend from Brazil once when we were both in Paris at the same time. But that’s currently the only way for me to see people from other continents, cause while I traveled and explored a lot in my early 20s and had a job that supported that lifestyle, that’s not the case anymore. So yeah. Meeting people is more of a theoretical thing at the moment.

Anyyyyway. Long ramble you didn’t ask for. But I like putting things into context, so there are no misunderstandings of any kind.

That being said I have a bunch of people/moots who are really dear to me and who I’d love to meet one day.

@taydaq for sure, cause she’s one of my favorite people and an absolute sweetheart. Same goes for @shanie - we connected and it’s been so lovely for a long time now. @mahi-wayy for sure, cause we just click and I know we’ll get along like a house on fire.

And for some of the more recent connections that I feel have potential of growing closer and getting to that point I’d probably add @afterdarkprincess and @harmshake to that list.

There’s definitely a couple more people I can think of, but it all depends on what time and conversations will bring to the table really. And it depends even more on what people are comfortable with. Cause the last thing I’d ever wanna do is overstep or disrespect someone’s boundaries.

I apologize for how incredibly long this is. But I feel like by now y’all know that that’s what you’ve signed up for with me 🫶

Anyway, thanks for the great question anon! I wasn’t expecting someone to be interested ngl.

Have a nice morning, day or night wherever you are in the world 🫂

[cupidsdescendant]

oh my god I'm so embarrassed but do you think you could give us some headcanons for a friends-to-lovers kinda thing with Scout? maybe some nsfw ones as well??🥺 a shy reader maybe? afab?? totally cool if this is too specific or if you'd just rather not 👉👈

hey anon! Sure I'd love to. I've been working on a longer fic so I haven't been online much but thank you for the ask!

Friends 2 Lovers: Scout X Y/N! (BONUS NSFW)

-Both of you have been close friends for years, you could tell by all the childhood photos each others mom's forced you to take

-Photos of you and him at his birthday, your birthday, at the zoo, roller skating, etc. They all hung up on a corkboard that had all his cherished memories on display. -Scout had always felt neutral with you because you were his closest friend. Except for a few awkward moments that you both repressed. -Moments like Y/N laying on his chest, her hand accidentally moving close to his thigh or them accidentally touching hands, both tried to forget them but when they were alone, it was always in their mind. -Scout would occasionally flirt with Y/N "as a joke". He also loves "practicing" cheese one-liners on you. -"Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!" he says clicking his tongue and shooting finger guns at you. "God you're such a dork." Y/N says, rolling her eyes. -"Okay, okay how bout' this one-...Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print~!" Scout says with a huge grin. -"Yeah maybe," Y/N said, she put her hand on her face and looked longingly at him. "You play baseball, yeah? Cus you're a real knock outta the park." -Scout's face became lightly flushed with pink, "haha. Y-you're kidding, right?" "Of course. Why would I be serious?" She got up and stretched her arms "Besides if I was going to flirt with you I'd be less cheesy." -"...How so...?" He asked. -Y/N looked over to him and grabbed his hat from his head, firmly placing it on hers. "Maybe something a little like this." -She put her arms around his shoulders and pushed him to her "How bout we go to my room and you give me a home run?" She said with a toothy grin. Scout's face was doused in red and a loud roar of laughter followed "God that was so bad!!!" Y/N said holding her face "Oh my god, sorry. I'll think of something better." She walked away leaving Scout an embarrassed mess -Even though it was a "Joke" he couldn't stop thinking about the interaction. He buried years of crushing so deeply that once Y/N said that, they all rose from the grave. He couldn't stop thinking about her in more ways than "Just friends." -Of course, Y/N felt this way the entire time but she tried to pay no mind to it. Her heart was always heavy when she was next to him because there was this want to just tell him how she felt...but she couldn't -Weeks go past after the interaction and both of them decided to work the courage to ask each other. Scout with a letter in hand and Y/N was a planned speech they both asked each other to meet at the top of the hill where a huge tree stood. -"No I-" They said together "Wait-No You can go-" Their words were identical, pointing at each other "STOP!!! YOU GO FIRST- OH MY-" Both of them grunted in annoyance and Y/N signaled to zip Scout's mouth. -"J-Jeremy." She said anxiously, staring at his eyes made her anxiety worsen. "Uh...so like. We've been friends for a while and. I- Uhm..." Y/N shut her eyes tightly and poured the truth out. "Jeremy, I've always liked you and it was hard to say because...I didn't want to ruin our friendship if...i-if it didn't w-ork.." -Scout dropped his letter and gently held her hands. "No, no. I...I felt the same way too, Y/N. You're right- that's the reason why I kept it in for so long." -"So what now?" She said looking at him. -A sensual kiss fell onto Y/N's lips, Scout's gently touching hers and she felt herself met a little. He pushed up against her and she held tightly onto his shirt as they both lowered down. -A whole make-out sesh happened on that damn hill lmao. NSFW WARNING AHEAD!

-Tries hard in bed to please you, but has no experience. -Jacks off A LOT, though. This man shoots semen like 24/7. -Whenever he watches porn he tried to take notes to make sure he does the same to you lol -Average erection, around 5-6. -He asks his mom what to do once you both have sex and she hands him a pack of condoms

-Takes him bout a minute to put one on, he's super embarrassed by it. "I hope I can try and give you a good time..." "Any moment with you is great, Jam Jam." (yes that's his nickname) -Fear not! He gets the hang of it and progressively gets better. -Is willing to do any kinks you enjoy <3. Some of his is degradation, praise, very light BDSM, and overstimulation

-He's a little dirty too~ (he doesn't tell you) but even though you guys are dating he imagines you aren't, and it's just his hot best friend giving blow jobs for free or "practice" -He lets you overstimulate him, practically have him shaking by the end of every session -His favorite thing to do with you is eat you out and let your cum drip out. Sucking it and licking your clit afterward

-He always spoons you after and hugs you but for some reason, he gets super hungry and energetic so he'll usually bring back a snack and talk your head off until you're asleep!! Ighty anon! Thanks for the request!! I'll be uploading more in the future <3

[no-psi-nan]

🥺🥺🥺 not 2 be sappy on main but omg I actually started off in Deviantart ages ago, that was the closest thing to social media for me until the tumblr migration lol. But I never really interacted with people on there, and even upon moving to tumblr, never really interacted with people here too often either. At first I had my main blog which was meant to be more professional since I was selling art to get a little college income, so I didn't really make too many irrelevant posts. Then I decided that I wanted to be able to reblog art and support other artists, so I made a side blog where I carefully curated and tagged the posts I reblogged. I made a few original posts but no one ever interacted, and eventually I realized that people only ever sent me asks there if I tagged anything wrong. Also I found out that adding stuff like series and character tags to a reblog on tumblr is basically useless because the op will pretty much always tag those things which makes it searchable on your own blog even if you don't tag it yourself. And if op DIDN'T tag it those things, your tags will make the post searchable on your blog but NOT in the general search, so it doesn't give op any more of a boost than just reblogging it tagless. So I made another sideblog, which I still have today, and I just rapidfire reblog literally anything I find shareworthy lol. Not any interaction there but at least I'm not wasting my time meticulously tagging strangers posts hsfjdlshfks. Since I was best friends with a big name fan in my main fandom (we became friends when I left a long emotional comment on their fanfic btw <3), I helped run some small fandom events and met more people as well. When I switched fandoms, it was a fandom event that gave me a new friend too, my posts never got any traction. Large fandom discords didn't really work for me either. But on this blog I was lucky, and for the first time people started like actually responding to my comments and posts, and get conversations going! And genuinely that's what's kept my brain rot so powerful I think, because bouncing ideas off each other and joking around and shitposting is genuinely the most fun I've ever had online!! I have to thank desta and oatmeal for the fun times especially, and hillbilly---man left really nice comments on my first few fics that really encouraged me, and I always have fun trading ideas with alienn, saikikthoughts, and crookedlyinnernightmare, plus everyone else who's on here, that's too many people to type out. AND I TYPED UP A BUNCH MORE STUFF BUT TUMBLR FUCKING DELETED IT!! Are you shitting me.... Well I think I remember saying that even if it's been getting kinda quiet and boring lately so my attention is starting to wander (I've pretty much posted all of the meta that's not deep fanfic hc at this point and my drawings take me a long time to make), I'll never delete this blog and I'll still be putzing around online until the day I die probably. And I'll always remember these days fondly and hope to find another great community like this one. And also I highly encourage everyone to post, reply, interact, and play with fellow fans! I've made lifelong friendships over blorbos and even if we don't have the same blorbos any more, we're still friends. Obviously stay safe online, never send money to strangers, probably wait like a year to start shipping each other stuff but still, reach out because you never know who you might meet! I've been lonely irl for most of my life for various reasons, and my online friends have been a lifeline honestly, they're all really important to me. Two of my best friends today come from fanfic comment sections!! Also I need to get around to archiving my meta on AO3 lol (yup, it's for meta too!) but that's gonna be a lot of work so -_-U).

[fuck-i-like-too-much-stuff]

I usually sleep around 3 am every night because i like staying up and its easier for me to focus at night. On the night of 16th October, i didn't. I wish i had, i wish i hadnt woken up early, i wish for a lot of things.

A couple of days before that I had narrated some of the recent discourse to one of my ex-directioner friends. We had discussed our respective opinions on various aspects of the topic and how the fandom's behavior is reflective of the person it belongs to.

Along the same days, I had also been talking to one of my closest friends (whom i came to know online due to our mutual love for the band) about how our experiences, different in time periods but similar in idealogies, taught us valuable lessons about parasocieties and attachment. Both of us have, in the many years we've known each other, had many instances where it was this parasociety and attachment that saved us from ourselves.

A few years ago, when i first met the aforementioned friend, i also met another who is like my own younger sister. I also met someone i thought I'd fallen for. And many people across continents who became like family. Last but definitely not least, i met the person who is the reason i became confident in the idea of pursuing writing as my future career.

Just an year before those few years ago, i fell through a deep hole of emotions that even though i have experienced since, were not meant for the age i was of. I made it through, however, because of sounds that fell to my ears and smiles that my eyes cherished- whether they were the laughs of my friends or the playlists of more than a thousand songs i built from scratch.

A huge proportion of those songs, those bonds, those memories, those feelings have Liam James Payne in their credits role.

People are complicated, its not an excuse but a reality. No person behind the screen is who we build them up to be- they cant be. Its not a bad thing in itself, just something that parasociety needs to realise and come to terms with.

Cancel culture has the tendency to downgrade the severity of some things in ways that is very insensitive. Because it is as easy for celebrities to maintain a fake persona as it is easy for fans to spew hate from behind anonymous accounts.

That being said, i grew up with a boy who wrote about 40+ songs and sang even more. I grew up with a boy who threw himself at every second chance he got and made himself up from scratch. I grew up with a boy who went through absolute hell. I grew up with a boy who grew up to be a disturbed and unhealed man, who deserved better and who had people in his life who deserved better than him.

As i go through these displaced feelings of grief, nostalgia, anger, disappointment, bittersweet happiness, sadness, loneliness, belongingness, hatred, love and more- i see more people going through the same in their own ways. I cant even begin to imagine what Liam's family and friends are experiencing- but for the fans, we may never recover from this entirely but we can make it through the dark.

[skymaiden32]

Hi everyone! This isn't a very happy post, but it is very serious. Something happened yesterday and I just need somewhere to vent.

(No members of the Thunderfam are involved; it's about people I know IRL.)

I used to have this friend. My closest childhood friend. Our parents were also friends and had the two of us around the same time. I remember he used to have a lot of Thunderbirds toys. I guess that makes him the first friend I ever had in the fandom, even if we had no clue what fandom was back then. 

Something I should get out the way is that we grew up in a religious background, and we were in the same congregation as kids. Later on when we were teens, we had a trio with another boy, who beta-read my stories for me for a while. During COVID, all our religious activities moved online, and we drifted apart. I’ll call my former bff ‘Z’ and our other friend ‘J’. 

The longer the isolation went on, I started noticing that Z was no longer attending the online meetings, and whenever his parents were there they had these weird looks on their faces. Well, one day Z organised a Zoom call between the three of us and told us he’d moved out of his parent’s house and had converted to Islam. Me and J supported his decision, there were no hard feelings, and we promised to keep in touch.

Well, we did keep in touch for a little while. Z and I met up a couple of times, but that’s pretty much it. When the pandemic ended, me and J stayed in our congregation without him there. J got baptised and Z was there. J left for university, and my communication with him broke down as well, but that’s another story. At this point, I decided to change congregations for reasons unrelated to Z and J, which I’m not gonna get into here but let’s just say there were issues. I’m happy in my new congregation, but back to Z.

My mum and her husband are still in that old congregation to this day, and once I was there visiting them. That’s when I saw Z. He must’ve come with his dad. His mum wasn’t there for health reasons, which I’ll get into in a bit. That’s when he told me that he’d met someone at university. Mind you, he’d been at university for just about a year, and they were already engaged, talking about having kids, the works. He even told me they were planning on moving to another country. He showed me a picture of his fiance, and told me I’d be invited to the wedding. That was last April.

Now, I’m already annoyed at him because we’ve barely talked up until now, and any conversation we do have is by text, extremely short, and initiated by me. Honestly, if I hadn’t seen him in person, I doubt he would’ve told me he was engaged. I’m even more annoyed.

We get to his mum now. Z pretty much cut his parents off when he left, and his mother was understandably beside herself with worry. His mum is a lovely person. I adore her and when we were younger, she was like another mother to me. When I’d come round to his place she made me feel like part of that family. Hearing that Z’s hurt her so much really drives the wedge further.

Fast forward to yesterday. I wake up early because I had a congregation meeting at around ten. I open up TikTok. I see that Z has posted something, so I click on it. It’s a slideshow post with him and his fiancee goofing off. I look at the caption. It says, “marriage has changed me”.

…

She’s not his fiance anymore. She’s his wife. 

He said, to my face, that I would be invited. I wasn’t. I was heartbroken. I still am. Not because I was interested romantically, but because I’d realised I’d lost one of my best friends. I went to that meeting, because I needed to be around people I trusted after what I just saw. But I kept thinking about it over and over. Eventually, I decided that it was a lost cause, so I sent him a congratulations on TikTok, and blocked him. I made a vent post on TikTok too. It’s still up, but I may set it to private at some point. The bridge was already burnt; I just cut the rope because there was no way to repair it.

20 years down the drain. No one ever mentions how painful friendship break ups are. He was like a brother to me, but I can’t be friends with someone who treats me like that. Like those two decades didn’t happen. I honestly think I'll be upset over this for the rest of my life.

Z, if somehow you’ve found this post and are reading it, I want to thank you for the friendship we had while it lasted, and wish you and your wife the best. May you have many happy memories together...

[jonghyuns-husband]

(CW // Dec 18th, suicide, victims of harassment, violence, mental health talk)

Since I want to spread this hashtag more, I would like to talk about the Shawols that I lost over the years and bring their voices up.

Clem was a friend I met on Wattpad back in 2015 when I was 11 and she was 14. She was one of the closest and the first online friend I’ve ever had. She loved to make SHINee stories for fun and she also helped me to write better. She was an amazing writer who took great passion for her work as well as her being a big advocate for the LGBTQ+ community according to her sister who came out as lesbian a year before we met.

Unfortunately, Clem was bullied at her college and her workplace, including on her online accounts. This would occur about 1-2 month after the death has been announced. On the 15th of December 2018, 3 days after Jonghyun’s first anniversary, she couldn’t take it anymore and took her own life. She was 17.

Sam was a girl in the secondary school who was 2 years older than me. I remembered talking to her once and that was it. She also really loved Jonghyun and Onew and was a BIG fan of the group.

One day, she stopped coming to class. There was a rumour going around saying that Sam took her own life after being hate bombed for posting about Jonghyun positively to cope with the pain. The last time she was in class, a guy mentioned his passing without warning which triggered the girl to stand up and leave. Ever since then, she was never seen again. The guy thought that it was his fault, but it turned out that she was going through a lot recently and couldn’t take it anymore. If it was true, then she died on the 9th of January 2018 aged 16 years old.

Ayami was a close friend of mine since Year 1. Interesting fact, she was actually born in Japan and then came to the UK when she was only 4. That summer, she enrolled in my school where we met on the first day. She didn’t speak much English, but luckily I knew a bit of Japanese so we were able to have a connection together. She was a sweet girl that would look out of anyone who looked like that needed help. She even loved to cook and wanted to start her own sweet shop one day where she would make sweet treats such as cakes, cupcakes, brownies, cookies, etc. Fun fact, my blog @yutassweetshop is actually based on her childhood dream and yes NCT bias was also Yuta! It’s a sweet (no pun intended) tribute to the one I called noona, and yes I’ll never stop calling her that until the day I die. Never mind, she’ll still be my noona anyways.

Although yes she had been harassed around his passing when we went to school together, there were other stuff in her life that really pulled the trigger on her head. I could make a separate post talking about Ayami and what she had went through so you would know, but to keep it simple, her father did some horrible things to her as a kid that when she found out, she took her own life out of fear. She was 14.

The reason why I mentioned her was the fact that Jonghyun’s passing was one of the chain of events she had to go through in her life, and you never truly know what someone has gone through already. Even though she didn’t die over it, that still doesn’t make it ok regardless. It’s still an awful thing to do to someone who is grieving by acting like they are complete strangers and treating them like they had never once seen the man before.

Those 3 girls didn’t took their lives because they were obsessive fans, they died because they were HARASSED to suicide. I know a friend’s friend who was also a blinger that took her own life and her family thought it was because she was sad over the passing of Jonghyun. That wasn’t what happened. She was beaten up at school and was told to kill herself ever since she came back from the Christmas holidays. She ended up doing so in her room and she was so close to celebrating her 16th birthday. It was the same as Jonghyun’s. She took her own life 2 days before at age 15.

There were some people in my cousins’ lives that killed themselves too, but I don’t know them very much, but all of them will be missed. Any Shawols that I’ve missed, please leave their names below and tell me one thing you loved about them. You can even talk about their favourite song or albums.

This tormenting K-Pop fans thing needs to stop. I don’t care if you think teenage girls screaming about their BTS biases are cringe, this needs to end. It’s not funny anymore and it’s claiming lives. I could of lost my friend that I met last year just because of the dumb messages of them saying that he was disrespecting a “deadman.” It just seems so tone deaf that really, they’re actually doing the disrespecting and not him.

This is already a difficult month for all of us and I just beg, PLEASE DO NOT HARASS ANY SHAWOLS. Not just in this month where it’s his anniversary, but WHOLE FUCKING YEAR. Please treat us like human beings and stop making us change for someone who barely even knows about the guy until the news broke and now you want to be the fucking hero when you’re not.

Why don’t you do all of us a favour and just fuck off. I’m sure most of us would want that now. This is why some Shawols like me haven’t yet stopped grieving because of how badly people treated us over the years. It has been 5 years, instead of telling us to “let him rest in peace”, how about you let us “grief in peace.”

It’s like what they say, “don’t give his family condolences if you aren’t going to respect his fans.”

Never mind, I did.

Rest in peace to Clem, Sam, Ayami and everyone else who took their lives due to these kinds of people either in real life or online. Rest in peace to the main guy himself, Kim Jonghyun. Thank you so much for taking care of those lost souls for us. Trust me, this was never your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself for any of this. Disgusting pricks like them (the people who harasses Shawols) has always existed since the beginning of time.

Please don’t cry because of the Shawols that went your route but be happy since you made their dreams come true. 

[cutesharkstudios]

Lumity Comfort Ch. 5: Are You Okay?

Amity picked up some food from the cafe Camilla and Luz like, just in case of emergency comfort. She didn't know what to expect, so she wanted to be prepared. When she got home, she looked in the living room, and saw the mother and daughter duo on the couch, both in each others warm embrace. They both looked like they had been crying for a while.

Amity: Hey guys, I brought you both some stuff from the cafe you showed me. You want anything?

Luz: Si, batata.

Camilla: That would be lovely.

The three sat around the table, looking absolutely exausted. The Belos fight and Collecter takeover had drained everyone of their power and emotions. They just wanted some time to recover. It had been a couple of months since those events, but that doesn't mean that they were all better.

Luz: Mama?

Camilla: Yes?

Luz: Are you okay?

Camilla: No. I didn't know you were suffering from those nightmares. If I did, I would have spoken up sooner. I saw you were okay physically, but you weren't emotionally. Thank you for not being mad at me, even though I deserve it.

Luz: Why would I be mad? You wanted to give me my space.

Camilla: I just want to make up for the mistake I made of sending you to that camp. I want to be there for you. For 14 years you felt like you couldn't be understood, and I only have so many years to make up for it.

Luz: Making up implies that you made a malicious error, not a misguided one, and even as an adult I want you in my life. Mama, I think Amity should know what you told me.

Amity: If that's okay with you.

Camilla: Amity, I too have been having nightmares. I was in the middle of one when Luz comforted me before we went to the Boiling Isles. I just want to make things better with someone I care about.

Amity: I'm with you there. I thank God every night for Luz.

Luz: Same. I think I know what we all need.

Everone: Therapy.

Camilla found a therapist who worked with trauma victims and reformed bad people, one Dr. Sasha Waybright. She set up an online meeting with the three, and they all got to work.

Sasha: Greetings Noceda household. Thanks you for sending me the details of your problems. Why don't you tell me a bit about yourselves and how you all know each other? That way, I can have a better idea on how to help you as a group.

Camilla: I am Camilla Noceda, she/her pronouns, which also applies to the rest of us. I am the mother of Luz, whose girlfriend is Amity Blight, the one with lavender hair.

Sasha: Ah, thank you. Why don't we all start with the core of what each of you want to fix?

Luz: You first, mama.

Camilla: Right. For Luz's entire life, she had always been a creative and kind soul, and I wanted her to feel loved and accepted, but everyone I knew aside from her late father treated her like a freak. So when I was given a pamplet for a camp that promised to make her more normal, I paniked and sent her. I just didn't want her to go through life being called a freak, a monster, a weirdo, A LOSER, A--

Camilla then felt the hand of Luz on her arm. She almost spiralled again, with Luz bringing her back again. Camilla wiped the tears from her eyes and continued.

Camilla: And all this time, Luz, my precious baby girl, just wanted to be loved for who she was. And here's the part that doesn't add up to me, she doesn't hate me.

Sasha: Of course she doesn't.

Camilla: What?

Sasha: What I saw right there was genuine love from your daughter. It's clear that she doesn't hate you in any way. And she doesn't seem to feel betrayed. Believe me, I betrayed one of my closest friends to do what I thought was right, and it still haunts me to this day. I screwed over her friends and manipulated her, and I'm shocked to this day she forgave me.

Amity: Same with me. I made Luz's life hell on earth when we first met. I had a lousy childhood and took it out on her. Why she wanted to be my friend even back then caught me off guard. I guess one of the reasons why I'm so lovey dovey with her is because she changed my life for the better. My family grew up in a town led by a cult, and if it wasn't for Luz, I would have joined it.

Sasha: Yikes, I've dealt with my fair share of cult victims, sorry you had to go through that.

Amity: Said cult was led by a religous fanatic claiming my people to be unpure and even tried to kill us. Even after these few months, my people are trying to heal.

Sasha: It will take more than that to heal, and you may need longer. But just know, your family will be there for you.

Amity: Hey Luz? I think it's your turn.

Luz: Yeah. I helped Amity and her town escape the cult leader, and I did that by doing something I never thought I'd do. I killed the cultist. It only sank in a day or two after the matter that there was now BLOOD ON MY HANDS. That man is in hell now.

Camilla: Where he belongs.

Amity and Luz looked at Camilla with wide eyes. Never in their lives did they imagine she would be happy someone was burning for all time.

Camilla: No way did he repent to God for sins. That guy had it coming. From what I heard from everyone, he brainwashed people, tormented the land, and worst of all, HE. HURT. MY. DAUGHTER! If he didn't die by another's hands, I would have done him in myself.

Sasha: Scared to lose someone too, right?

Camilla: Did you almost lose someone too?

Sasha: Yes, the friend I mentioned previously, Anne, and our other friend, Marcy. In fact, Anne is now my wife, and is carrying our little bundle of joy. She almost was lost to me, and I'm thankful to God every night that she is safe. I never want to lose her again.

The best advice I can give all of you is to be open and honest about your trouble with your friends. Sorry, I need to get to another appointment. Why don't we set aside some more time next week?

Camilla: I'd like that.

[denimbex1986]

'I want to be Andrew Scott’s mother. By ‘Andrew Scott’ I mean the award-winning Irish actor who played the hot priest in Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag. By ‘mother’ I mean mother, although Scott has a perfectly good mother already (Nora, a former art teacher). By ‘want’ I mean I desire to be Scott’s mother because in this mad pandemical world the line between the feasible and the fantastical has dissolved. Ordinary pleasures of a year ago – dinner with friends; going to a concert; cuddling a grandchild – have become impossible dreams. So why not dream the impossible?

I’ve never met Andrew Scott. I think he’s a terrific actor: I loved him in Fleabag and everything else I’ve seen him in. In September he gave an in-camera performance at the Old Vic of Three Kings, a one-man play written for him by his former partner, Stephen Beresford. The play was scheduled for July 31st but a few days before I got an email saying it was delayed by Scott’s admission to hospital for ‘minor surgery’. No details, except the issue was ‘not serious or COVID-related’. In early August I received another email saying Scott was still not well enough to perform.

The weeks passed and I became anxious. My younger stepson works at the Globe; one of his closest friends is a top director. His husband is a novelist who has written for the stage. Their world is full of thesps: could they find out what was wrong? No. I fretted more. I asked some friends connected to the London theatre world. No joy there either.

In early September Scott performed Three Kings, to rave reviews. I searched his face, was he really alright? By now it’s fair to say that I was Scott-obsessed. I viewed online interviews, checked out his personal history, re-watched him as the hot priest. Adorable.

I’m not given to infatuation with performers; Elvis in G.I. Blues was the last. But I know infatuation when I feel it. This was something different. It took me time to name it. It was mothering-hunger.

I’m not a mother. But I’m rich in stepsons, nieces and nephews, godsons and goddaughters, and now two grand-godchildren, born during the pandemic. My wife has four living siblings, with dozens of children and grandchildren between them. My COVID world is full of next-generation family.

But I’ve become greedy. I want to add Scott to the mix, I want him as my boy (he’s 44, I’m 70). My family will love him, and he’ll fit in well. Thespianism? We’ve got that covered. Queer? Yep, we’re good there. Irish? My older stepson teaches philosophy in Galway. Celebrity? One of my brothers-in-law is a famous haircutter; in recent interviews Scott reminds me of him, the same well-rehearsed casual charm, the open shirt, the finger-tossed hair. Another brother-in-law is a leading stunt director; for all I know Scott may have worked with him. So he will be right at home with us.

So why not? Desire is never reality-bound. And when desire confronts disease and death it can blaze up, reaching out to life, insisting on it, demanding more of it. I want Scott because he is more of what I already have. But my son Scott also represents what I will never have – a son of my own. Not once, in all my decades of childlessness, have I hungered for motherhood as I do now, to love a life born from me, now that death is everywhere around me.

Globally COVID-19 has claimed two million lives and rising. The UK’s death rate is one of the highest in the world. One friend has died from it, another has been severely disabled. People who lose loved ones to other diseases cannot come together to mourn them. My wife lost a brother to oesophageal cancer during the first lockdown. The same disease killed a close friend of mine in early December. He lived in Toronto and his partner is my oldest friend. I should be there with her now. What hellish fate has stuck me here in London while my dear friend mourns far away? A misery of separation that I’m sharing with thousands of others across the globe. My widowed friend has two sons who cannot put their arms around her. My stepsons and I cannot hug; we might kill each other. Love and death in close embrace: an eternal theme of literature, art, drama – now made a quotidian reality.

Life revolts. Fleabag shows a young woman seesawing between sexual encounters in the wake of her mother’s death and the suicide of her closest female friend. Finally she falls in love with a Catholic priest (Scott) who chooses God over her. Death has sent her careening toward the impossible. At one point, to cover for her sister’s miscarriage in the middle of a fraught family outing, Fleabag pretends that she’s miscarried. For her, there never was a baby. But it’s the priest’s ‘beautiful neck’ that she finds irresistible. Scott does indeed have a good neck, but who cannot find a baby’s neck irresistible?

Passionate sex after funerals is a well-known phenomenon. Female sexual desire is said to have increased during the pandemic. But eros takes many forms. Child-yearning, as Lucy-Hughes Hallett labels it in Peculiar Ground (2017), can be as exigent as lust. Will there be a baby-boom in the wake of COVID? Not for me; and anyway it’s not baby-mothering I want but a gorgeous actor-son who exudes playful vitality.

In interviews Scott repeatedly describes acting as playful. He loves Picasso’s famous remark that ‘It took me my whole life to paint like a child’. I don’t know if Scott has ever read the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, but for Winnicott play is the life-force. Play, in children and adults, is where dreams are enacted, where fantasy and desire find creative expression. In play, people become themselves, for good or ill, and this is exciting, joyful, dangerous. When Scott played Hamlet in 2017, he surprised audiences by showing the young prince as full of fun. Why this portrayal?

If you don’t understand that Hamlet had a great joy for life, if you think that for the length of time that he was on the earth he was always depressed, well the release from life isn’t really that tragic…[but] If you think it was somebody who was full of life, and engagement, and fun, that has now just been totally sucker-punched by grief and doesn’t want to be alive anymore, I think that’s much more telling, and much more of a consuming story. (Evening Standard, 26.11.19)

Sucker-punched by grief…an image for our times. So how do we go on playing in the face of disease and death, and fear of death? We reach out for what we have; we dream of what we want. Scott’s emergency surgery, back in July, triggered a new dream in me. Anxious for him, I clutched fearfully at what I already have – the family and friends I love – and conjured up an ideal supplement: a fantasy-son, fully recovered, to accompany me through this dark time to a play-filled life beyond.'

[jedisceptile]

15 years ago when I was half the age I am now, on 23 December 2008 I made an account on a forum. It was bulbapedia's forum, called BMGf for short, to discuss all things pokémon on. While I initially only made my account to win a fanfiction contest with what must be the most cringe story ever written (needless to say I did not win the contest), I started posting regularly and must have been an active poster on there for about 5 years. I feel like by the time XY rolled around I wasn't that active anymore. I made over 10 thousand posts, was personally responsible for popularing the mafia forum game, got made a mod and made over 200 friends if my friendlist was to be believed. They were some very formative years for me on the internet before the advent of social media.

I thought it would be a fun excercise for myself to see which people I am actually able to remember from that website. What impression did they leave on me looking back, who can I even remember from that long ago? Maybe 2 of my followers will read this and not know any of these people, maybe no one will read this at all. But I still feel like it's more fun to post this online on the off chance one of these persons actually reads it than to just keep it in a word document where I know for a fact I will be the only person to ever lay eyes on it.

I will go on an alphabetical order for readability, though this is not the order I started recalling in.

Aladar - I don't know his first name. He was a regular in a chat thread I frequented, he loved star wars and I think we had the same brand of humour. Though he must have become inactive on the forum years before I did and never played mafia with me, it's interesting he left an impression on me nonetheless.

America - Killi, I think this was her username but she'd change it so much I don't remember. I think we mostly bonded over the forum game mafia, but we also watched all of fmab together and were pretty close for a while, chatting often. Apparently she was manipulative and a bit of a gremlin to other people (called abusive etc.), but she was normal around me so I didn't let it bother me. I guess she felt a bit like a younger sister to me in that regard.

Archaic - Liam, as the website owner I was never really close with him but I've spoken with him a few times and in hindsight he was the most normal person on the entire site. He would host contests on the websites that I'd win, over the years I've gotten like three pokemon games from him.

Baron Brixius - an enigmatic kid with an odd sense of humour which overlapped a bit with my own, I liked egging him on. He ended up breaking the forum by naming himself <undefined> and got permanently banned when he did it a second time. He clearly had some issues going on but was never too open about it.

Buoy - don't recall his first name. Some of my friends were obsessed with him for his really weird sense of humour (and the fact he was a few years younger), though in mafia games he could be surprisingly sharp. I think we never really liked each other but we could get along if a mafia game needed us to.

Crackfox - Hayley, I feel like she was a bit mischivous in personality on the forum, but Hayley was brought into a chatgroup I was in a bit later so I remember her more from that. To me it seemed like she always felt like she was a bit of an outsider. I feel like she felt closest to me out of anyone else, I at least dm'd with her a lot on skype. In mafia games on the forum we would also team up almost always. In hindisght I feel like I maybe never truly understood her, one day she just upped and disappeared and I lost a close friend.

Croag - Emily, I guess she came across as kind and a bit reserved? I was in a skype group with Emily for multiple years and got to know her a lot better thanks to that, making it harder to remember my initial impression. Emily presents herself a bit distant with an ironic sense of humour in these group chats but I've met her irl and she where is very genuine and kind. I still talk to her to this day, though not as much as I maybe should.

Emi-chan - Another sister-I-never-had to me as she was a few years older, I really looked up to her and her artistic skills when she started frequenting the chat thread. Though we got along just ok, unfortunately I always felt some distance between us and couldn't really get close to her, before she moved on from the forum. She was into a touhou-esque series called .hack and to this day I've never encountered another fan of that.

Falcon Doveowl - Cara, another person who frequented the chat thread that I got along well with but was not super close to I think. I feel like I may be mixing her up to some extent with Luminosity in my mind, though I chatted with cara a bunch on skype as well I think which I don't think I did for luminosity.

Feralize - I forgot their name, they were always really calm and a force to be reckoned with in mafia games. I think I talked to them a few times on tumblr but I can't recall if they're still active.

FinalArcadia - Haley. I think she was the older sister of two twin girls one of which liked me and the other didn't, but I don't remember their usernames. I believe we got along ok. Someone who frequented a thread where people were all hetalia obsessed and would also play mafia occasionally. We're still mutuals here!

Gaskhan - or was it Ghaskan? I don't remember her name but she was from Portugal, she was a bit of a wallflower whose calm demenure got her promoted to supermoderator. She played mafia a bunch and posted in the chat thread occasionally, but in hindsight I wish I had gotten to know her better.

Gatorage - Axel was generally cocky, though I was in a chat group with him for years I don't recall his personality beyond that all that much. From what I recall while we weren't that close we barely ever got into arguments with each other either, which was rare for me at the time as I got into arguments with everyone.

Ghetsis-Dennis - The most obnoxious person I ever met online, he had a very strong belief system about what characters would be added to the next smash bros (Dawn and Zoaroark among others) and would not shut up about it. The only person I blocked on skype because he would not leave me alone.

Ghost - don't know his name, I feel like he looked up to me as I was a bit older. He was always rather stoic in how he expressed himself but as a chat thread regular we became friends. We both got really into gpx+ at the same time and would talk a lot about that, but I think eventually we just sortof stopped interacting as much even though we were both still active on the site.

Greece - Erin. Was her username actually Greece or am I mixing people up? I think she was a bit demure and we chatted sometimes, but I don't remember her that well. There was a lot of hetalia fans on the website who would change names and avatars so much I wasn't always able to tell them apart that well. I still feel like I'm forgetting someone I talked to a lot on this list, but I can't remember them. Maybe it was Erin, who knows.

Hellion - Don't remember his name. Incredibly cocky know-it-all guy during mafia games, was made a moderator together with me and seemingly always disgreed with me. Awful personality really, I still don't really understand how some people liked the guy.

Humonity - Ruben, from Malta. I felt like he looked up to me for a while, perhaps for my stylish way of playing mafia? He could be a bit eccentric at times but still very fun to talk to, I still talk to him about eurovision every year.

Hunter Blade - don't recall their name. A chat thread regular with a good sense of humour that I got along well with, they're one of the few people from this website that still follows me on here and reblogs my posts occasionally. I should talk to him again sometime.

Hurristat - David. Someone I got along really well with unti he became a moderator and went mad with the power. One day in a skype chat unrelated to the forum (it just had a lot of people from the forum in it) we got in an argument and he tried to to use his authority as a moderator to get me to shut up, which the angry teen I was I refused to give into and caused him to have a meltdown over his own powerlessness. Served him right, jerk.

H-con - Hakon from Norway. Someone from the chat thread I was befriended with, but I can't recall too much about them. I still have them on my switch friendlist (imported from the 3ds friendlist) as I do with some others on this list, and see him online playing games sometimes.

Ino-chan - Tony. Frequented the same chat thread I did. Had a unique deadpan sense of humour which I thought was hilarious. Posted a picture of herself once, and never again. Had a male first name and a male mii on the 3ds and wiiu. I still wonder once in a while, is she trans or did she catfish us for all those years. I think I was sort of close with her, but her distant personality made it hard to really get to know her.

Insana Dana - Dana, I don't think I was that close with her but we got along in various skype groups. I feel like she's one of the few persons who despite being in various fandoms would never get into arguments with others.

jda995 - Joel. Funny guy that I played some mafia games with but mostly know from being in a skype group together with. Very sassy, sense of humour comparable to Croag.

Leafeon800 - Alex is my bff to this day. On the forum we got paired up once in a program meant to introduce new people to each other. I thought our conversations were a bit shallow, and eventually we both got put in a skype group for people who owned mario kart 7 on the 3ds to race together. At first Alex was one of the people in the group I felt least close to, but as hormonal teens the people in that group (including me) were constantly creating drama and fighting. One day the drama was among the other members and I messaged Alex along the lines of "get a load of these guys", starting a trend of us dm'ing each other more and slowly becoming the best of friends. I can't even really remember what caused us to have such a good connection with each other, but I'm really glad it happened.

Leggo - don't remember her name, leggo was always very kind but a bit enigmatic in how she presented herself. Like she was both full of quirky personality but also rather stoic at all times. Such an odd combination. I wonder if she's still like that.

Luminosity - Not Clara, did I ever know her name? She didn't stand out too much, but enough for me to remember her. I think she was older than me and got along quite well with themissingno. I may have gotten some older sister I never had vibes from her, but my memory is fuzzy. I played mafia with her a few times.

Mariowie - Mario? A pretty reserved personality, I chatted with him in the chat thread a few times and the main things I remember is that he's Dutch and lives on an ostrich farm. I still interact with him on twitter, where he often ends up being the only person liking the single tweet I make once every 6 months.

Midorikawa - Ariana, a girl with such a strong personality that we would constantly argue with each other. However when we were on the same side arguing together with someone else I would feel a rush like nothing else. Almost developed a crush on this girl, but thankfully we disagreed more with each other on things than we agreed. She was very conservative.

Mintaka - Hyemin or Min was one of the people I felt closest to on the forum, a girl a few years older than me. She was a student in Seoul, very kind and a bit quirky sometimes and I actually feel bad I don't remember as much about her as I feel like I should. I met her and her family irl when they were on holiday in the Netherlands.

Neonsands - don't remember his name. A lot of mafia board frequenters would eventually start talking to each other on skype but I think neonsands was never one of them. I mostly talked to him during mafia games and he was either an opponent to fear or my favourite ally, a game where I was mafia with neonsands and sourcandy remains one of my favourite and most succesful ones ever. In hindsight I wish I had gotten to know him better.

Neosquid- I don't remember his first name. Neosquid was a bit of a weird kid who was a few years younger than me and appeared to look up to me. I chatted with him a lot and I think we shared similar humour, but unfortunately it's not the clearest in my mind anymore. I think he was dealing with some mental stuff, like how when he was 16 he dated someone 8 years older than him who then broke up with him because he was allegedly being abusive. Hope you're doing ok neosquid.

Paperhorse - Claire, she was like everyone's mom friend. Very warm and kind, but unfortunately I can't remember that many specifics about her. She loved harry potter I think and got married a few years ago, if she has children now I'm sure she'd be a great mom to them.

Phoenicks - a young republican who loved debating more than anything else and therefore also mafia games. We liked each other but weren't really friends, I think he respected me as a player but did not really show it a lot during games. Would write the longest post indicting someone as mafia which annoyed me a lot. It still annoys me when people are making arguments in really lengthy ways when they could be much shorter about it tbh.

pkmngreen - Frank, another person who I chatted with so much I don't recall my initial impression of them. In chats he was a bit cocky and I got into arguments with him sometimes. Thinking back I think Frank was more emotional than he'd like to let on and the jerk that I was I would sometimes take advantage of that to push his buttons. All done with love of course.

Pokemoll - Molly was 10 years old when she joined the forum and got made a moderator at 11, insane in hindsight. After I left the forum I followed her on tumblr and twitter a bit (and still do), watching her grow up in that sense made her a bit of a distant little sister to me. She's kind and not afraid to stand up for herself and while we don't talk to each other that frequently I think we have a mutual respect for each other. I always like seeing that she's doing well when I happen to catch a glimpse of her social media once in a while.

Pichuboy - don't recall his name, he was like the rival of buoy and I didn't like buoy so I liked pichuboy better. He was cocky but in a more serious way than buoy, but I never got that close to him. He was a bit younger I think and babied by some staff members.

Rayne - don't know his first name, rayne pushed for me to become a moderator which I could not hold onto long due to my online anger issues. But it was nice to have a guy trust in you like that. He was older than me and always came across as very chill, apparently he is a hardcore furry.

Revolvingscott - Scott, this guy must've been on the forum for a year at most with only around 800 posts (noob numbers) but as he posted in the chat thread I frequented he left an impression. He was gay and flamboyant about it and I loved his sense of humour, I think we liked egging each other on. One of the few people who would compliment my selfies which did wonders for my self esteem.

Ryuutakeshi - I feel like his name may have been Kevin, but it may not have been. He was a theater kid and though he was a few years older than me I never got older brother vibes from him. It was ok chatting with him but I don't think we ever got that close. He ended up dating someone from the forum who I also chatted with sometimes but wasn't that close to, I think her username was kayori-chan.

$aturn¥oshi - Steve, this guy was like 30 years old moderating the chat thread, always stoic and chill with seemingly almost no sense of humour of his own but happy to go along with the flow set up by others. He was gay, lived in a basement, owned two cats and was obsessed with michael phelps to the point I thought those were pictures of him. I wonder if I ever knew what his day job was.

Secretive Trainer - Danny, whose personality I don't remember that much on the forum, I think just pretty normal and down to earth in general. I've chatted with him more directly and I remember he's gay and loves all things nintendo, so we get along just fine. He reminds me a bit of my brother.

Shiay - Don't remember he name, didn't interact much with her but am including her for the female represntation of this list. She was obsessed with Morty from pokemon gold/silver, a big fujoshi and into brother/sister incest despite having an older brother herself. One of the first persons that made me realise there are some weird people on the internet.

Shiny celebi - Brenna was a lot older than me and always rather demure on the forum, like she had no personality of her own at all. I think that was a symptom of her autism. She seemed rather fond of me, as she would often send me messages on discord with her concerns about sjw-ideology making me hate myself for being a man. It felt a bit smothering.

Sourcandy - Don't recall her name if I ever knew at all, Sourcandy was feisty and a truly genius chaotic mafia player. I would often clinch with her during these games and people on the forum would jokingly ship us for it. I think we were rather fond of each other and could've been good friends, but due to mental health issues she would unfortunately often disappear for months at a time and we could never really become close with each other.

System Error - This guy used the blog add-on of the forum like social media before social media existed, writing multiple short blogs every day. Meanwhile I put effort in all of my blogs, making them all funny like some sort of amateur stand-up comedian and I'd consider my blog failed if it got less than 7 comments on it. These blogs truly were the social media of its time.

TheCapsFan - I chatted with him in some threads, he played mafia sometimes, and now he pretty much runs the forum I think. Unfortunately my final few years on the forum are a bit fuzzy to me and that includes what I talked about with Caps.

Theflamingbooger - Zach, I think. A chat thread regular, I idolized this guy for reasons I can't quite recall. Maybe a brother I never had kind of deal as he was like 8 years older older than me. He had a bad webcomic and became really into mlp later. He didn't really have a great sense of humour from what I remember, but was just averagely himself in the chat thread which was a nice chance of pace from the other whackos who posted there.

Themissingno. - Steve, a regular in our chat thread on the forum. Steve was truly like the older brother I never had, often teasing me, egging on my emotional outbursts (which would cause the mods to warn me to his enjoyment) with an odd sense of humour. But I don't think he ever did these things in bad spirit and was actually very fond of me. When I was whisked away into a skype mario kart chat he was actually a bit jealous which is pretty cute in hindsight. I met him irl once which was very fun.

Unown Lord - Guy who would only be in speculation forums for new games and post entire essays about how the next games should be prequels featuring apricorn pokeballs. If you told him his ideas were insane he'd write another essay on why you were stupid for disagreeing with him. He must've jizzed his pants when arceus legends was announced. Wish I didn't remember this guy.

Zeb - Liam, this guy hated my guts. I don't know why, I think he had issues. But by hating me he just gave me considerable power over him, any argument he started with me would inevitably lead to him having a meltdown. He was added to a skype group chat I was in and left after some time, probably because he couldn't take being around me any longer. I doubt he got far in life.

Zenax - a good mafia player who had the same age and birthday as my brother. Unfortunately I don't remember much else about him, I think he was a moderator at some point as well.

Zima - Zima might be the most wildcard person I've met on the site, obsessed with hetalia and I'm pretty sure she had some mental issues. They'd leave, come back, leave, changed her name constantly. She frequented a different chat thread than I did where I think people disliked her, but I was always quite fond of her.

While it's surprising to see I still remember a lot of people, it's also sad to see how many memories of those people have faded away. Some people have even blended together in my mind, making differentiation harder.

[pixelrenaissance]

Gemini SZN;

a long overdue update on exes, parasocial relationships and reclamation of my online space.

tw: abusive relationship/sexual assault/racism/

This month I will be turning 25.

I feel like it’s a age I genuinely didn’t think I’d make it to for a long time.

In retrospect, this blog has given me so much I can’t imagine a life in which I didn’t have it. The connections I fostered with people online when I was 16 on this blog have had such an impact on me. So many of my closest friends I met through this silly little ChubbyPixel blog. It and the handle have served me well.

However its time for a change.

-

I started this blog as a video game/video game YouTuber appreciation blog. In the same vein as game/grumps, normal/boots, and hidden/block. At the time there was a larger tumblr user in the same fan space as me who I was in a relationship with. A big reason we did get in a relationship was people “shipping” us together and saying uwu i ship it, yall would be so cute, etc etc. We were both underage, me being younger by a few yrs. This was extremely damaging to my overall mental health and perception of myself in a online space.

Like we weren’t even an adults or famous, we were just two popular blogs in a fan space, her way more than me but still. We were real people being seen as fictional characters to “ship”.

If I am completely honest if there’s any relationship I regret more in the world it would be this one. My ex, archer, truly deeply and sincerely was the worse thing to happen to me. This relationship was extremely toxic, one in which her friends would scream the N-word at me, emotional abuse, stalking, harassment, body shaming, I honestly could go on; But for my mental well being I rather not discuss it all.

For years as an victim of abusive gaslighting, I literally kept everything with the intention of sharing it all to “prove” that I was abused. However, I now come to realize I have nothing to prove to anyone when it come to my abuse story and how it effected me. I know, my therapist knows, and my partner knows and that’s good enough for me to put it away and begin to heal.

The stalking and harassment is the main reason I abandoned my blog; being that for *YEARS* after we had broken up I would get messages from her saying that I was nothing without her and that I would never be happy with anyone else. Not to say I was perfect either, I was also a dumb teenager and I definitely did some petty stuff like the whole “try to warn the exs new partner so they wouldn’t fall victim” thing as well- which went about as well as you would expect.

Intertwined in this were experiences with some adults who frankly preyed upon me as a underage inexperienced queer person to exploit me.

In 2019, however, is whenever it really got bad, as it probably was for many of you. As well as facing pandemic, loosing my mobility, and facing eviction, I was sexually assaulted by someone who I considered a very close friend who I knew for years at this point. This kinda broke my brain and I closed off from the world even more. The internet and tumblr were so stressful for me to look at, I was always just waiting for people to come back to harass me.

But I decided to take an extended break and gather myself. It’s taken years and alot of support from my amazing friends but I’m finally in a safe and somewhat stable place to where I want to reclaim my digital identity and persona.

I will be finally changing my blog name: Chubby/Pixel will be Pixel/renaissance in honor of my new era of growth and enlightenment as an artist and digital human. 

Thank you for reading, thanks for sticking around.

[oh-three]

Send me headcanons and tell me about your pet for the sleepover asks

Headcanons:

Cobb Vanth has never left Tatooine before.

Din Djarin is touch-starved.

Boba Fett is overly friendly with those he's closest to and randomly bear-hugs them if he's not seen them in a long time. (In the Mandoverse era)

Fives & Wrecker would be chaotic besties.

Young Tech forbiddingly studied a lot of things behind the instructors' backs. The Kaminoans gave up trying to train him out of it.

Omega actually was being trained as a medical assistant to Nala Se, and helped perform many different surgical operations.

Tech also has extensive medical knowledge, having had some extra medical training on top of everything else. (Still, he froze when one of their own was gravely injured for the first time.)

Tech often overextends himself to the point of passing out.

The Bad Batch would visit Cut's family when on leave.

Surface Pau’ans have a naming ritual for their young two-hundred and ten days after birth (six months, they just keep track by the day since full moons don’t work with there being nine of them)

Pau'an features darken with age, becoming more of the gray-white than the pristine white of youth. And their eyes, the irises gradually turn from gray to black.

My pets:

Brandy- the sole dog of the house. She's a cross between a Border Collie and a Black Lab, and almost nine and a half years old. We got her when she was a puppy, one of my mom's friends rescuing her from the home of someone who didn't know how to care for her. (We had another dog named Hardy, he was ten or eleven when he passed in 2020- there was a big change in Brandy's behavior after losing him, because he'd always been here with her)

Clyde- second oldest cat and the one we've had the longest. We got him and his sister from a foster home when they were kittens. She ended up having heart problems and having to be put down before reaching a year of age, and he's doing very well. He's overweight, always has been, but dieting only helps so much. He's twelve, now, and lost a tooth the other week.

Sassy- our oldest cat and the one we've had second longest. She was around three years old when we got her from the shelter, who had got her off of empty land off of the housing areas here. It's taken years to coach the aggressiveness out of her, and she still starts fights with Clyde despite going on thirteen herself.

GrayD- we got him from the same shelter we got Sassy at. Wouldn't stop meowing from the other side of the glass, and my youngest brother decided that's the one we were getting. He has a brother, and we saw him online again last year looking for a new home. Had the same name, coloring and shared GrayD's fur-length (they were kittens when we first saw them). I'm glad it's GrayD that we chose, though, because he has more personality than any other cat I've met. They're turning seven this year.

Rocket- got him from a different shelter, picked out again by my youngest brother. (My other brother picked Sassy out, and I'd picked out Sabrina, who'd passed after less than a year of having her in 2020). His original name was Jansky, and my dad hated it. He's named for his love for running around, and because he does kinda resemble Rocket the Racoon in his facial features. He's the only cat that we haven't declawed, so I still do get scratches by him a bit (he chose me as his favorite person). He's our quietest cat, doesn't meow much- and it's still quite high pitched despite him going on two this year. I carry him around on my shoulder, and he likes to rub his face on the corner of my glasses. My cat bestie.

Top image: Brandy

Bottom image, left to right: GrayD, Clyde (back), Rocket, Sassy

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: Stalking, social anxiety, social media pressure.

Seeking advice and suggestions about what to do.

To give some background info, social media wasn't huge while I was in high school. FB was really the only big site people around me used, but I didn't have too many friends during high school and I just wasn't that interested in it. Then, I got IG, which I really enjoyed for about 1 year. But thanks to IG I did run into some stalking situations and had a nervous breakdown, and even though I was an adult by the time I had it, my mom was upset and felt like it was something I did behind her back (she never explicitly said "No social media" but just assumed I'd never get IG because of me never being into it before).

It took me a long time to stop being anxious about social media but fast-forward to this year and now my current friends are using it, so I joined in, but I'm not really using it "with" them even though I've added them, it's not mutual.

When I added one of my friends they told me in advance that she doesn't always see people show up in her feed, which I understand, but I still thought she would've added me back after I told her my username?

I also have some friends who I added a long time ago but who never added me back, maybe because they didn't know me well enough back then, but I see them interacting with everyone else?

And then finally I have a friend who seems kind of similar to me (generally doesn't seem like a huge social media person but still likes some of the cute pictures and memes that end up on there; she's also my closest friend out of my current group). But I remember her getting stuck on the sign-up page (you know, the "Are you a human?" drag and drop tests), got annoyed, and gave up on trying to join since she said it was too hard for her to figure out. So I get where she was coming from but at the same time I felt a little upset because I think having her on there with me could've given me a confidence boost and maybe if our other friends saw me interacting with her, they'd add me back and include me in stuff, too.

I feel like it's kind of a silly thing to even think about. I'm not hugely into social media and at the end of the day I feel like my friends are my friends because we still do other activities together and get along. But I still get a sense of being on the outside looking in when I see them making inside jokes to each other and tagging each other in cute friendship memes and stuff. Plus because of my bad experiences with social media before, it actually did take me a lot of effort to finally pull out myself out of the severe anxiety and trauma I felt towards it and give it another shot.

I don't want to be one of those pushy people who's like "Hey, you need to add me!" especially since I have tried to like... "gently nudge" people into adding me before, and they haven't shown an interest back. I don't want to be "annoying" about it but it does make me feel left out sometimes, and then I blame myself for not knowing how to act on these sites, and what comes off as normal vs. annoying.

Hi anon,

I’m so sorry to hear of your social media experiences, especially in regards to stalking, and I’m so glad you’re safe.

Social media can be such a tricky thing - on multiple levels, and I can definitely relate to needing to learn how to navigate it a bit as an adult (since I come from a similar background in that it wasn’t huge while I was in high school either) - especially when it came to digital boundaries, including but not limited to, deciding who gets access to me, my privacy, and how we define “friendships.”

On one hand, social media allows us to be more connected than ever, with people we very likely might never have met in any other way (international friendships, niche interests, online groups, etc).  On the other hand, many people feel more alone than ever, and I truly believe in some instances it has to do with needing to ask ourselves, and be willing to share, what we want out of social media - and then explore a bit to see who else might share the same goals.

For example: 

How do you define the word friend?  Acquaintance?  Mutual?

Is there a certain amount of interaction you’re looking for?  Weekly?  Monthly?  

Do you have various levels of what you would consider intimate, vs casual?  Say, do you like the idea of sharing your birthday online, and getting multiple messages that day?  Would you prefer a digital card DM’d to you?  

Do you have any special interests, where you could join some online groups?  Sometimes finding that common interest can help get the conversations flowing and get to know people a bit easier as you dive deeper into exploring friendships.

These might seem like simple questions, but depending on someone’s boundaries and privacy they might have very different ideas than you on what they’re comfortable with.  And just like you should have the freedom and space to share what your hopes are as you explore these new relationships, so should they with you - maybe you’ll find overlaps, maybe you’ll realize it’s not the best fit, but that doesn’t mean it’s an automatic red flag, or says anything about you or the other person.

I do hear you on that fear of perception, of wanting to be cautious about how you try to engage, but I feel like you could do everything “right” and still be viewed as “annoying” by someone.  I feel it might be more about how you communicate your wants and needs early on so both parties can feel secure moving forward as they build a foundation of friendship.  And if you have these conversations, and you realize it’s not the relationship for you?  Then worst case scenario, you spare yourselves a bit of a heartache down the line, and make room for people who do share your similar interests.

Regardless of what you learn, and decide for yourself as you explore online friendships more, I hope you cultivate relationships in safe and mutual spaces, that add some joy and laughter to your day.

- Mod Kat

[danisharemedy]

Nervous But Ready

Transgender erotica

It has been about a year since my divorce was finalized. My ex-wife and I were married for 3 years and had no kids, so the divorce was relatively painless compared to other people we knew. We've always been friendly to each other, but we just didn't love each other like we thought we did when we first were married, and the honeymoon stage had already set in.

We broke up soon after we mutually agreed on a divorce, and I moved into an apartment an hour or so away from her. I refrained from seeing people while we were married, on the advice of my attorney; however, I had a strong desire to meet someone new and move on. I figured I'd meet a girl walking around the block, and then we would laugh like kids before kissing each other.

Before I met my wife, I had very little experience with women. She was only the third woman I had sex with. I wasn't a stud like my older brother and was often thought of as a “nice guy”. When our marriage started to suffer after about 2 years, I started watching more and more. Our sex life was practically non-existent as my wife seemed to show no interest in us. It seemed like every time I asked her about it, she had an excuse of some sort. I think she was seeing someone else, but I'm not entirely sure. She never admitted infidelity to me, so I just didn’t think about it.

Around this time, a friend of mine told me about an acquaintance who had met a transgender woman and dated her for a while. He surprised me because he never seemed like the type to lead such a lifestyle. Although I have always been pro-LGBTIQ, it never crossed my mind to think about transgender people and sex in the same line of thinking, but after I started watching porn, I periodically came across transgender pages on some porn sites. I didn't know at first that I was going to be looking at transgender women, but after hearing my friend's story, I looked and was amazed at how attractive some of them were. For many of them, if I passed them while walking, I would never recognize them and would simply find them very attractive. I think I suffered from internal transphobia, but I had a feeling that soon things would change…

Also, when I started watching porn online, I realized that I was especially interested in watching women giving blowjobs. It struck me that these women willingly allow men to cum in their mouths or on their faces. I came across a video where a girl was wearing a cheerleader costume and had to please an injured football player. She was a little shy at first, but when she started kissing, she started to undress. She then knelt and stroked the black cock in her mouth until the semen descended her throat and onto her face. I thought it was porn and not necessarily reality, but I had a girlfriend in the past who seemed to like this too which made me know that this scene could still be a possibility in my life. Oddly enough, she was my wife's half-sister, but we broke up. once my wife and I met.

This was not the case with my ex-wife as she rarely took me in her mouth and never let me cum in her mouth. To be honest, my wife didn't really like sex other than the vanilla missionary positions. The closest we came to anything kinky was when we blindfolded each other on one occasion.

As I watched more porn, I realized that I am not afraid of cocks and am more interested in what it is like to give a blowjob. I wasn't attracted to men at all, but I was very attracted to some transgender women and their dicks increased that attraction. I started fantasizing about being with a transgender woman while masturbating. I wanted to feel what it was like to hold a cock in my hand and run my hands through my veins while the head was in my mouth.

So, finally, after signing the divorce papers, I decided to explore the possibilities. The lack of interest in men in general made going to a gay bar unpleasant, and I didn't know if there were any transgender bars. So, I decided to search the internet for options. In doing so, I came across several websites offering trans women escort services. I thought it was probably dangerous, but after reading many profiles, I learned that many of them express on their pages how serious they are about preventing sexually transmitted diseases and protecting their partners with the use of frequent testing. But the main thing I liked was that they were willing to keep everything a secret. Most likely for married men or someone like me who was new to the industry.

There is one that really interested me. Her name was Leila. She had long French braids and chocolate brown eyes. She was amazing and reading her online reviews of her wowed me. It was obvious from the reviews and photos that Leila was quite well endowed and could cum, even multiple times in one session. She was also willing to entertain newcomers like me, and she said she was happy to take responsibility and play a dominant role.

I jerked off to Leila reviews several times and every time I wondered if I had the guts to blow someone. It was strange that the reviews themselves were written as erotica. If I had tried to meet someone like Leila, I would have to know a thing or two beforehand. So, I experienced the tasting myself.

First, I felt my pre-cum while I was masturbating. It was salty at first and I felt so guilty that I didn't do it for several days. After a few times, I started liking the taste, but I knew sucking cock would be a very different experience. I finally worked up the courage to try and lick up some of my own cum after I came on my chest. I took my finger, swirled it in a pool of cum and brought it to my mouth. It was ok, but not great. I kept doing it and it eventually became a routine that I grew to love. I fantasized about sucking someone else off while trying myself. Eventually, I decided that for me to experience something closer to reality I would need to cum directly in my mouth. It took a few tries of flipping my legs over my head to aim right and cum in my mouth, and it took a few more tries for me to not be afraid of it. Probably about the sixth time is when I swallowed what was in my mouth and didn't have any gag reflex. My gag reflex wasn't triggered by the taste. The taste wasn't that bad. It was more about getting over a mental block that it is okay to swallow cum.

Eventually, it got to the point where I was ready to see if I could meet Leila. She had a telephone number where you could arrange a meeting. One Sunday afternoon while I was masturbating, I decided to call her, thinking I wouldn't be able to reach her and would have to leave a message from her.

She answered! "Hiii, this is Leila!”

“Um, hi. I saw your adt on the Internet and wanted to know if I could make an appointment."

“Okay, Darling, tell me about yourself. Where are you from and what do you do?” Her voice was very soft and feminine. I really couldn't tell the difference from a female voice.

"My name is Timothy, I'm a local resident, recently single, and I code and build language learning apps."

"I see, so what are you interested in? What are your fantasies?"

"I'm new to this, actually, this is my first time."

"It's okay Darling. So, what are you fantasizing about?

“I have read some of your reviews online and fantasized about what they write. I love that you are fully dominant and exceptionally beautiful.

"Thank you, Darling. I do a lot of things, so it's hard for me to understand what you're talking about. Can you be more specific?"

“Well, I've read some reviews about you liking to be on top, so I like that. I really liked the review where you took the lead and got blown by a guy and you came inside his mouth many times.

"That's interesting. I think I know what you're talking about. Do you want me to set up our date?"

“Yes, I think that would be a great idea!”

“I like being in charge,” she laughed. “Have you ever been with a man or a trans woman?

"No to both, but I've experimented with myself."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know, I masturbated and got a taste of myself."

She laughed as if enjoying the conversation. “How many times and do you like it?

“I've done it many times. I've worked on the technique, and I like it. I think about it a lot, especially when I masturbate."

"This is very perverted, Darling," she said with a soft laugh. “I like doing it too. Have you already learned to swallow?

“Mostly, I think.” I started imagining it in my mouth when I answered. “I tried several times to cum in my mouth and sometimes I hit the tongue. I even tried to lick it off my hand."

“Oh, I like it. Did you swallow it or spit it out? I hope you don't mind all the questions. I'm just fascinated by straight people who try it and love it."

"I'm not against the questions. I've never told anyone before, so it's a little embarrassing. I spit at first but now I swallow most of the time”

"This is incredible!" she said enthusiastically. “I hope you like it because I find it intoxicating. So, do you dream of doing what you just described?

"Well, in a way, but I'd like to try it with someone else. Like I would want to feel someone else’s cum in my mouth"

"Interesting. Ok, Darling, what day do you want to meet me? I can meet in a week, starting on Wednesday."

"Thursday or Sunday free?"

"Not for some time. I can meet during the week on Wednesday at 10pm. Or we can reschedule if you need to meet on Thursday or Sunday. Wednesday is best for what you are looking for. How long would you like to come to our meeting?"

"Wednesday is fine. Would you like to do it for a couple of` hours?"

"It looks perfect." She received my e-mail address and said she would send me her home address.

“Excellent. See you then,” she said. “Don't forget the test results. This is written on my website.”

I ended the call. I couldn't believe I had the courage and booked a time with an escort. I was shaking with nervousness and continued my jerking off while looking at photos of Leila. When I was ready to cum, I opened my other hand and tried to cum into my palm. The first few shots hit my laptop screen, then I was able to grab the rest in my hand. "Damn it," I thought. I really didn't want to cum on my laptop. I looked at my hand and thought maybe I'd get a chance to suck Leila. I needed to prepare. I looked at my hand again, moved my face to my hand and licked it hard. I then looked in the mirror at my desk and saw my tongue was lubed up with cum and then I swallowed it. I figured if it would be sweeter or saltier than mine. Not so bad, I thought. I can do it.

The next day, I signed up for an examination at the clinic. Also, to prepare for possible penetration, I bought a few small dildos from a local sex shop and tried shoving one up my ass a few times to get used to having something inside. It took a while, but I finally got it all together over the weekend. I even tried sucking on another dildo to get used to having something like this in my mouth. And just the day before my appointment with Leila, I shaved a little and shaved my genitals. I usually keep my hair short and neat, but I thought a clean-shaven one would be the most attractive.

Wednesday finally arrived. When I got home from work, I showered and got ready. I was shaking and nervous again. At one point, I almost backed out and started making excuses not to go, but again I looked at photos of Leila on the Internet and decided to go. I won't lie, they excited me, but I was still a little nervous. I could just give her a tip and walk away if I wanted to just go back home.

Leila's apartment, or workplace as you might call it, was very nice and felt luxurious. From the outside, you wouldn't have guessed that this is where the escort invites her clients. You would think this would be where a rich family or people of the sort would live. I went to the door and rang the bell. The door opens. Leila stood in front of me in a short black silk dress and high heels. Her blonde hair was tied back, and her wispy bangs barely reached the tips of her eyes. Her lips looked moist and almost natural in color, and there was something shimmery about her face and neck, like tiny sparkles, but not too much. She looked incredibly sexy. Her legs looked very toned and slightly muscular, and her feet were sexy and small with red nails that matched her toenails.

"Hi, I'm Tim. We spoke on Sunday a week ago".

She looked at me. "Wow, you're cute," she said with a big smile. "Come in." She held out her hand and I reached out and took her hand. Her hand was soft and warm.

I entered and saw a small narrow corridor. To the right, just behind the door, was a soft bench. Opposite the bench to my left were hangers on the wall and a small table to the right of the hangers. Above the table is a photograph of Paris. On the table was a jar with the inscription: "Donations are welcome." Opposite the door on the opposite wall hung a large wall mirror, and to the left of the mirror was the entrance to her apartment.

“Sit down, Darling.

"Of course." I sat down and she sat to my right. She grabbed my right hand, put it on her knee and held it.

"How are you feeling? Nervous?

"Yes, a little," I said. I felt shaking.

“You have nothing to worry about. If there's anything you don't like, let me know. You still want our time though, don't you? Or are you not interested?"

“I am still very interested”

I am so very glad to hear that.” she said with a soft laugh and a smile. "I remember you saying you wanted it, so if that changes, let me know."

"Of course!"

“Did you get me the test results I asked for?”

It was folded in my jacket pocket. "Oh yeah, it's right here." I pulled out the form, the results were clear. She looked at them briefly.

"Fine. Thanks. I have to be careful; you know." She folded the paper, reached into my jacket, and slipped it into my pocket, then I felt her fingers and her hand on my chest. She squeezed my left pectoral muscle. "Oh, you're smooth," she said. “I love strong men. Why don't you hang up your coat here and come here in about a minute? I am freshening up now”

She got up and went to the door, then turned to look at me. She gave me a seductive wink before walking away again. Her big ass jiggled with each step and I was mesmerized. She was cute! I couldn't believe how sexy she was in real life. She already looked good to me in the photos and obviously they hadn't been enhanced. Her dress was partially unbuttoned, and I could see her gorgeous cleavage and something black underneath her. The bottom of her dress was just below the crotch, and I noticed how tanned and firm her legs were. Finally, she left my presence through the door.

I got up and figured it was time to cancel if I wanted to. And believe me the thought crossed my mind. But I didn't want to leave this opportunity. I got so far that I had to go all the way. Leila looked great and was well worth checking out. I took off my jacket and hung it on one of the hooks. Then I looked at the donation jar and decided it was better to put the money in the jar now than later. I paid the suggested donation listed on her website and added much more than was asked for. I wasn't worried about the money so if I left early, she still deserved the full amount for taking the risk to meet me. Next to the jar, framed for a photograph, were the previous week's test results. Her name was on it although some of the other information was redacted.

I turned to the mirror and looked at myself. My shirt was buttoned all the way except for the top, and I decided to unbutton one more button to look more casual. Has it been a minute? I waited a little longer and headed for the door. My legs were shaking but I had resolved I would go at least a bit farther.

When I got to the door, she was standing inside and to my right, smiling. She turned to me and stopped in front of me again. She had shed her dress and was wearing a black lace lingerie piece with a plunging neckline that framed her barley-firm breasts. The sides of hers were open, her thongs were wrapped around her back, and her crotch was barely covered tiny panties of the same color. She was still wearing her black high-heeled shoes.

Behind her were the glass doors were open, and in the bedroom, I saw a large double bed with a crisp white sheet. There was an armchair next to the bedroom.

Directly ahead was a small sitting room with a sofa and two double sofas with coffee tables, and to my left was her kitchen.

Leila approached me sexily. The mesh looked very enticing, and her hard, brownish nipples poked through the fabric. I couldn't help but stare.

"Hey, sexy," she said, slowly approaching. I turned to her as she stopped in front of me. “Do you like my dress?”

“Oh yeah, I like it. You're amazing." I was surprised by the question because it sounded unbelievable.

Leila smiles. "Why did you come to me, Timothy?" I hesitated, still stunned by her beauty, and couldn't find her words. "Do you want a big juicy cock?"

"Yes," I said. She leaned forward so that she almost touched me with her body.

“I remember what you said on the phone. You like to taste yourself." She smiled into her eyes and brought her face close to mine. "I think it's so hot," she almost whispered, running her tongue over her lips. "I love the way my cum tastes too."

I felt my cock begin to firm up and was incredibly turned on by how sexy this all was. She grabbed my hand and led me to the center of the room closest to her bedroom. She turned around, unbuttoned my shirt, and put her hands on my chest. "Oh, you're so hot," she purred to me, squeezing the muscles in my chest again. She then she let her fingers slide over my nipples and her stomach. She pricked me with her fingers. "I also like your toned abs." She reached out, pulled my shirt off my shoulders and arms, and tossed it onto the sofa.

“You have a sexy body. I want to lick you”

"Thanks, Darling." She stroked my chest again, then leaned in to kiss me on the lips. I hadn't kissed in a long time, so it was thrilling. She knew she had been drinking red wine.

“You're nervous,” Leila said. "Relax Darling. She kissed me again. Her tongue touched my lips, and I took it into my mouth. She was like any other girl kissing and I started to relax a bit. After a minute or two she stopped kissing me and she slid one of her hands up the front of my pants and squeezed my semi-hard cock in. I immediately released a groan and threw my head back.

"What do we have here?" she asked, looking at me with a smile.

"Uh", I was incredibly slow to react.

“You seem to be a little nervous. What do you want to do with it?” She smiled devilishly, looking into my eyes.

"I want to fuck you."

"Of course. Maybe it's possible," she giggled. "You want to be fucked too, don't you?"

"Yup."

“Good, because I meant to. But I'll like to have my way with you first, Darling." She pulled both of her breasts out the lingerie, grabbed my hands and put them on her. Do you like how they feel?"

"They feel great." I squeezed them gently and realized she liked it.

"Don't worry, you won't hurt me." “Feel them.

I squeezed tighter and ran her thumb over her nipples and they got even harder.

"Mmmm, that's so cute, honey."

She reached out and unbuttoned my pants. "Take them off."

I took my hands off her and took off my shoes and pants. “Socks too,” she said.

I took off my socks and threw them aside. She then massaged my cock through my boxers. “He looks very hungry, Darling. I cannot wait to see it".

“I can't wait to show you,” I laughed. Leila laughed too, but then she returned to a more serious face.

She took my hand, put it on her panties and said, "Touch me." I felt a slight sick in my stomach, but not what I expected. I think I was just nervous.

She knelt down and took off my shorts. My cock was pointed straight at her face. She grabbed it and stroked it several times, then she kissed and nibbled on the head. "Dear God, you are so huge! And I love that you shaved. I can't wait to play it later,” she said with a cheerful expression.

Later, I thought? She stood up and kissed me on the lips again and explored my mouth with her tongue. I used my hands to stroke her bare back and explore her entire body as far as I could go, then she stopped kissing me. She walked over to a chair near her bedroom door, turned to me, and pulled her panties off. Her cock leapt out from under her legs and headed down. Her cock was long and well formed, as I would have expected from photographs of her. She was also completely shaved. She sat down. As I wanted, she had many visible veins and, surprisingly, her dick was bigger than mine.

“Come here Darling” I approached the chair and stood in front of her completely naked.

"Get on your knees and take off my shoes, please." I looked at her feet. They were as sexy as any other girl I've been with. I knelt down and she lifted her foot into my lap. I took it in my hands and found a buckle to undo her straps. I then started to worship her feet sucking the toes. I then moved my tongue down the arch of her foot making sure every inch of her foot was wet. I then put her foot down looking to her for more instruction.

She then used her toes to push my cock and keep it hard. She put her other foot in my lap, and I took off my shoe.

Leila then used both legs to briefly massage my cock and I felt tense. I put her hands under her legs and lightly stroked her calves as she stroked me with her toes.

“You are so beautiful, Darling"

"You are so cute," I said, looking briefly into her eyes. Then I let my gaze travel up her body to her sexy breasts, her flat stomach, and then her cock still dangling between her legs. It was probably 5 inches and still mostly soft. I've never been in front of another member like this before. The closest thing I had to another dick before was a shower in the locker room while in sports, but then I wasn't looking at anyone. I realized I was staring and looked into Leila's eyes.

“Are you ready Darling?”

I nodded affirmatively as I slowly put my head down. This is it. This is what I tasted my own precum for. I started off just by smelling it let its scent fill my nose. It had its own special smell, feminine like my ex-wife, but with more hormones filling the air. I was so nervous, and Leila could tell which is why she started to run her fingers through my hair.

“If this is too much Darling we could stop and just sit down for a while. I’d understand.”

“I am a bit nervous but...”

“But what Darlin-ughh”

She let out a small moan as soon as I kissed it. After I kissed it the second time…

Read the rest on my Amazon ebook profile!