#that someone is my own brother) (and im still a faggot)

[koko2unite]

[princeblue]

What’s your quarrel with Sanemi ships? Just a curious question :0??

Oh it’s because people use sanemi ships to devalue the bond between him and genya.

At first glance yes you could assume that sanemi hates genya, but if people would bother to read a little between the lines they would see that Sanemi’s entire world revolves around genya and as does Genya’s revolves around sanemi.

It feels like specifically people use sanemi ships to shit on genya because they think he hates him, they like to imagine that sanemi would pick a girl he was implied to have a crush on by a ladies man (masachika, kanae) or the man he continuously hated throughout the entire series and only found tolerable at the very end during the heat of a battle (giyuu) then I truly urge you to reread the series and actually pay attention to the way sanemi reacts to things vs how he reacts to genya.

Yes the eye poking incident happened and while I hate that sanemi attempted it, you have to realize this man reacts by attacking first and asking questions later, as clearly seen with Tanjirou AND in rengoku’s gaiden. He has no problem being rude and physically violent to teenagers and I’m assuming people of his own age and older.

And yet when he meets genya for the second time he’s verbal in his anger, yes he calls genya worthless, a scumbag and no brother of mine. But its a dramatic difference between flippantly telling him to leave because he has no talent instead of jumping the gun to physically harm him.

Which he only does when genya tells sanemi he has been eating demons, Sanemi’s worst fucking nightmare and the confirmation that’s he’s failing to keep genya safe, his only purpose of life and something that he says himself in the kny novels.

So he snaps, and while it’s not okay it’s still the quite the large difference between how he reacts when he just sees a stranger (rengoku in his gaiden) or giyuu or literally anyone else.

There’s also the fact that my good friend maple pointed out that in the Japanese text when genya is dying he’s essentially baby talking, “because my niichan is the nicest person in the world” — “don’t worry niichan will do something” which is going to be extremely strange for a 16 year old buff boy to be baby talking to his big brother and YET his big brother meets him halfway with “niichan will do something”

Oh and we can’t forget sanemi canonically coming to visit his brother in his sleep after ssv to make sure that genya is okay.

Basically, in a long winded way to say, Genya is the only person that sanemi ever shows any sign of actually caring about, beneath his cruel exterior he still cares enough about his baby brother to come visit him to make sure he’s safe and also to meet his baby talk halfway as genya is in an extremely vulnerable state and what I can assume very fearful too.

So when I see people making fanon sanemi enjoy when genya is physically harmed when sanemi dropped his “I have no brother” act the second genya was sliced and diced by kokushibou and also suffered at the abuse of their father, when I see people make sanemi a huge simp for kanae and giyuu to the point he ignores Genya, or calls genya a faggot and tells him to go kill himself in stupid fucking twitter aus, I get angry and I get hateful of sanemi ships.

No sanemi wouldn’t let his partner call him “nemi” or “niichan” which only genya calls him, no sanemi wouldn’t let someone harm Genya, no sanemi wouldn’t pick anyone whether he they were romantic or platonic to him over Genya his only purpose of living.

And I’m not saying you can’t enjoy sanegiyuu or sanekana or whatever sanemi ship you enjoy, im just saying there’s a way to enjoy it and I will be judging you if you’re ignoring Genya’s importance to sanemi and his character as a whole.

[jaker-shit]

Then theres the question of whether or not im playing into or upholding harmful systems with the way i express myself here? Like how much of my thoughts and feelings regarding romance and sex and relationships is natural desire? Hiw much of the things i want are products of patriarchy that i need to unlearn? I do find women attractive, and i desire a sexual and romantic relationship to someone. I dont think im entitled to anything from anybody. Sometimes i do think of strangers sexually. It might be bad? Would it be different if i was attracted to men? Am i being selfish or making things about my own dipshit problems when i shouldnt? Does it matter if im on a useless personal blog? Is there a way to look at someone sexually and respectfully as a straight man? Does it matter if youre getting 0 pussy for the next millennium anyway? Is that some incel faggot shit? Does any of this make sense? Im having too many thoughts to type all out like i want to beam it directly to someones head but that would be like an infinite void of the absolute stupidest things a human being could say like honestly I should just be keeping this all in my head. Fuck is everything i do performative? Youd think i could perform something well or do something fuckin useful to anyone for once. Ah shit does a ton of this make me come off as a genuine creep? I dont talk to women generally and on the rare occasion i do theres zero flirting or anything so i try not to be a creep but maybe i just have shit vibes anyway damn i hope not. Yknow ive been a fuckin terrible son and brother. Im supposed to be a role model and support for my little brother but the only thing i can fuckin do i buy him booze until he turns 21 and can do it himself. Hes a fantastic kid hes in a university i could never handle. Hes fit and skinny and good looking. He’s actually a talented artist and writer. Ive been a stupid lazy fat piece of shit while he went and started to make something of himself and i know my parents hate it. I know i let them down every day they dont even need to say it. Useless fuckin 21 years old can barely handle a part time job lied about going to school for the past year to avoid disappointment cant do fucking anything right when asked what is even ghe point to being here still fuck this is stupid and should be ignored like my problems are so fucking stupid. I had every advantage and the people i know came from so much harder places and i havent the discipline or self control to accomplish anything. Its fuckin pathetic and instead of fixing anything and being a man im cryin aboit it online like a bitch i stg i do not deserve to live on this earth

[nerves-nebula]

Hey. Yknow fusions?

This idea can be taken in multiple ways, but there's 2 most popular ways.

Characters go in sync and fuse, becoming a mesh of both, and usually break apart upon major internal disagreements. Steven Universe style.

Or characters are forced together in a body that is basically hc one person and half another.

But either way I'm curious as to what would occur in your iteration for either situation.

i have a character who's a forced fusion and he has. so many emotional issues about it. like he loves the people he's made of but they kind of hate each other, my mans is Mentally Ill <3

ALSO I think I've said this about a million times but YOU SHOULD JUST KNOW THAT I'm so fucking obsessed with body sharing and fusions (consensual or forced) and the idea of HAVING to share a life with someone. It's one of my favorite concepts to explore.

SO WITH THAT SAID!!! apologies it took so long to answer this, I just wanted to give it the time it deserved <<33

Donnie + Leo: most confused motherfucker ever. hates himself, loves himself, furiously frustrated with their state of being. he wants to be taken care of and NEEDS to be adored. everything she makes is brilliant one moment and terrible the next. he is NOT having a good time and she will make it EVERYONE'S problem. (he/they/she)

Donnie + Raph: What if Raph was more irritable and suicidal? what if debilitating guilt kept him going even FURTHER past his boundaries?? this motherfucker can hold so much guilt. hobbies include sleeping and neurotically upgrading the home security system. has a sort of surveillance state situation going on in the lair and will deny it whenever asked. (faggot gender)

Donnie + Mikey: A sweet, excitable, sensitive, artistic boy :) strong morals and a penchant for making friends. very passionate about mixing art and science (they're better together!!) likely the most functional of all the fusions. still hella mentally ill, but in a sort of "I'm going to go quietly insane in my room and secretly fear everyone thinks im awful" kind of way. (he/they)

Mikey + Leo: Most confident motherfucker ever. always righteously angry about something. no impulse control, too violent for her own good. gets herself hurt a lot. Will attack at the slightest sign of provocation. (any pronouns)

Mikey + Raph: overprotective bundle of energy. somehow always hyper and tired at the same time. really into home decor & repair (mixes artistic desire to create and express oneself, with the pragmatism of fixing up the home). probably loves food more than anyone in the world. (any pronouns)

Raph + Leo: Biggest Big Brother Ever. 100% annoying, 100% loving. Will lie to her little brothers for fun (that bug is poisonous. yeah, and if you touch it you'll die in three days. Oh, you already touched it?? :( better write your will!) he carries the world on his shoulders and cracks jokes about it. (he/she)

anyway here's doodles of my favorite fusion ideas.

[oxooxxoooxxx]

its so funny how growing up I was literally tortured by my parents the moment I reached adolescence (literal munchausen mother) and even as children growing up just compete and utter constant chaos and fighting and abuse . just like make it away on my own move to New York with my bf become a executive assistant for HNW CEOs . despite them just literally fucking dragging me down every step of the way . and then my fucking brother dies . for no reason . just completely randomly . so like a year later this is while all the covid bullshit is happening and so even tho I already quit my other job and got a remote job my ex's job is still like heavily pressuring him to get the vaccine which we ofc both did nottttt do so he fully quits his job instead of getting another one and we just move back to Illinois . and during THAT time period I meet this other guy from the internet and start talking to him and at first he's just the most amazing person in the world to me . like amazing taste in music so so beautiful and hot and just so cool . and so im like maybe I should just not be with my ex anymore . like someone else made me feel something for once . in such a long time . and so maybe being back in Illinois I should just like go spend some time in the suburbs and not in the qc and just be by myself . and then being back im like going out a lot but not rly meeting guys or things like that cuz im just talking to this faggot from the internet . and over time he just descends into the absolute most evil insane psychotic narcissistic sadistic monstrous freak you could ever imagine . and takes me from so so fucking BROKEN over the loss of my brother (who was my BEST FRIEND) , to so devastatingly depressed and suicidal that I literally am CUTTING MYSELF again for the first time in TEN YEARS and drinking almost daily and doing hard drugs . stop going to the gym daily , lose all the weight I was able to put on . its so fucking sad bro . like god truly forgets about some of us . what did I do to deserve any of that ? the childhood trauma . my brother . being tortured and compulsively lied to by some sick freak for no reason . just nothing . none of it . there is no reason for any of it .

[suiciderape]

𝔯𝔬𝔪𝔢𝔬! 𝔰𝔲𝔦𝔠𝔦𝔡𝔢 𝔯𝔞𝔭𝔢 𝔱𝔬𝔱𝔞𝔩 𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔰𝔥 𝔩𝔞𝔳𝔞 & 𝔨𝔫𝔦𝔳𝔢𝔰

ew! ur ghetto hahaha no ok so what is going on with content creators? were getting nowhere srsly we are! i cant even tell what my readers are doing bc i literally got locked out of my own content on tumblr by an evil viewer i got stuck on the first post at go home! potter! and then voldemort literally killed me yes!! i did the whole fucking awkward acting scene and my daddy yoon keeho insists it was a dream well since we are on neptune i am going to believe him but why would someone read my tumblr and lock me out?? its my content i need to make sure the ppl who actually want to read are ok! be careful guys! i still dont want to read my posts anymore and its part of my job as a manga writer ew! i hope they get arrested and the death eater i called finds them unwell

𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖘𝖚𝖎𝖈𝖎𝖉𝖊 𝖇𝖔𝖞𝖘

ew! cigarettes are so fucking nasty these days yes still no word on lolita but voldemort is her murderer i cant even get high anymore bc no one is being cool and cigarettes make my body melt down to a rice paper i just want to party and write at the same time im in a new manga about my kpop idol daddys and it was a russian mafia secret we are sworn to secrecy to never repeat it ok so basically it was a miley cyrus movie hannah montanna extroidaniare it caused me so much physical pain that im surprised i havent killed myself sk sui shordy 9 style im gonna drown in a vault of my own despair this shit is nasty as hell i cant even get anyone to help me put decent furniture into the ghetto trapped room i inhabit i cant believe i got ghetto trapped and that the magees are now registered sex offenders hahaha ew she fucked up going chinese slave master 99k with me!! and i still have to talk to that fuck ass lawyer whatever at least this new manga is slowly progressing

𝖑𝖆𝖛𝖆 & 𝖐𝖓𝖎𝖛𝖊𝖘

ew! ur so fucking ghetto bitchs omfg end this joke already pls daddy awkward! hahaha she doesnt even like saying that were gonna end the joke chinese slave master 99k style but pls dont forget shes a special interest trained assasin in the russian mafia before u ask us how long she free style battled voldemort on the russian training grounds ew! it fucking hurts for all my bones to be broken oreos impressions baad girls in lovee! lol what the fuck was that asian man doing delivering mcdonalds? whaat the fuck bitch that is rudee! ew+ she said cutee too! no i didnt dude ok so he was mad at her for getting up and she was mad at him for making her get up so we forced ourselves to duel! wait whaat? ok so no duel took place? wait am i high? yes u are? pls explaind what indica meth is?? does it feel good baby girl? yes it does daddy mhm mhm mhm hmm lol ok? so good job faggots! of faggot rain rice paper candy hard candy alice rain nemmm hmm yes nem ok so ho hommmm what?

𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖈𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖗𝖊𝖙𝖙𝖊𝖘 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖘𝖔𝖉𝖆 𝖌𝖆𝖓𝖌

plus im high as fuck! ew hahaha i missed u i missed u too bb :( its so boring and i cant find sissyboiqt aw! well its ok we like ur playlists thank u lol whose this one made by? sprawl wait isnt that sissyboiqts brother? i guess so lol aw [* ok well fuck off dude! what was the number? 3* ew ur ghetto grunge! grunge! grunge! ew hahaha thats better than 808s heartbreak? yas ew! hahaha omg ur so fucking sexy now show everyone what the suicide boys made u cool ok? s0 u miss austin tx finally? yea well they said they miss me for once omg ok well what if they dont? actually miss u? its cool ill live somewhere else? idk man its cool but i dont drink or have a car so i need help plus im schizoaffective omg u are ok so go home! potter end it end it end it hard candy alice rain hard candy alice rain hard candy alice rain

[omegawolverine]

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

[writersfailure]

Overdramatic

My parents liked to call me overdramatic. I don’t quite think they’re right when they do so, but theyre the parents. I’m the child. What would I know?

Is it overdramatic when a eight year old asks her mother why she has trouble being happy? Why she feels like crying all the time over the silliest things?

Is it overdramatic when a daughter tries to tell her parents that kids are giving her a hard time in school and the teacher isn’t doing anything? Or is it just another reason For her parents to say “Shut up?”

Is it overdramatic when I go to a new school and get bullied? Am I overdramatic for going with several other kids to the principal about it? And yet selfish, for making my parents look like idiots when the other kids’ parents tell them what’s going on and find out that my parents didn’t have single clue?

After all, why would their overdramatic daughter tell them?

Is it overdramatic when a teenage girl cries as she tells her mother that she isn’t straight? After hearing dozens of horror stories and hearing her own father once say that he’d shoot his own children if they were gay?

Is it overdramatic for me to cry when I beg my father to let my girlfriend at the time stay with us because she had nowhere else to go? Is it overdramatic for me to yell at my brother when he calls me a faggot?

Or am I supposed to stay quiet? Because apparently I was selfish in “choosing” to be bi and made his life harder?

Am I overdramatic when I try to tell you that the thoughts in my head won’t stop? That the voices won’t stop telling me how easy it would be to pick up that gun and pull the trigger, how quick it’d be if I jerk the steering wheel towards the edge, how fast I’ll bleed out if I take the glass cup and smash it into my own forehead?

Am I overdramatic for trying to ask for some help? A therapist? Someone to talk to who would be able to help? Yes it would be overdramatic. I don’t need a shrink.

I need to shut up. I need to realize that that costs money. I need to get over it. I need to realize that everyone feels like that. I need to stop being a selfish brat. I need to start being normal.

Thats okay. It’s not like I could ever do it anyway. It’d hurt too much. The voices already tell me im a burden, a waste. A waste of space, of money, of time, of existence.

Its the guilt of all that that makes me want to do it. But it’s the guilt that’s stopping me too. The guilt of knowing how much money you’d waste to have a funeral, how much it would hurt all of you, how much time and money you’d miss from work. The guilt of knowing that you’d have to clean up my mess down here. The guilt of knowing that my death would probably be what makes my friends go to theirs.

Is that selfish of me? To stay while still being a burden? Because i think I’m more of a burden if I’m dead. So i consider that selfless.

But one day I’ll be selfish. One day I’ll be too overdramatic for my own good. And we’ll see what happens

[the-queer-look]

The bonds that tie

No one is ever late to finding out their sexuality. No one is ever late with coming out. Everything takes time, and for some people that takes longer than others. Cultural and social circumstances can have a huge effect on how and when we begin to understand and accept ourselves, and in some parts of the world, that can have a deeply negative impact on our sense of self worth. Nevertheless, being true to ones self leads to deeper, more positive connections with those around you.

- K

Name: Jacob

age: 32

occupation: Refugee Assistance

Location: Liverpool

Gender: Male

sexuality: Gay

My name is Jacob, Im 32 years old, Australian, from an Iraqi background, with Assyrian nationality, and I am a gay man. I like to think of myself as a very easy going guy, although a lot of people seem to misunderstand my personality and think of me as a snob, or make a point of saying how I am very quite. I think that is because I am generally a shy person, largely because of being self conscious about my accent, I’m worried about saying something wrong, or not speaking fast enough. I always need to translate what I want to say into english in my head before actually saying it. I’ve always had a love of helping people, which is why I work for a government program designed to assist refugees secure housing and establish their first initial accomodation in Australia, which I’ve been working in for the past five years. My initial degree was in IT, which I gained back in Iraq, but once I finished my degree I realised that I wasnt very passionate about coding and working with computers, I just did the degree to satisfy my parents, so I worked with a newspaper and became a journalist until I left Iraq in 2010. I lived in Istanbul for a couple of years before moving to Australia as a part of my journey as an asylum seeker. I’ve been in Australia for about 6 years.

Upon moving to Australia it was very challenging to find work as a journalist, with English being my fifth language, and the competition for journalism jobs in Australia being so high, so I began assisting people who’d gone through my own journey, first as an interpreter, and then moving into community services and case management, and I’ve now done a diploma in social housing as well, and currently completing studies in social work with the University of Western Sydney, hopefully next year.

I think I realised that I was attracted to men when I was about 14 or 15 years of age, but because back then in Iraq there wasnt any access to the internet, nor anyone that you could really come out to and talk with about it, I felt extremely abnormal. I thought that it was just me, and that I was different to everyone else, it was at a time when all of my peers had girlfriends, and thinking about getting married and stuff. I met my first girlfriend when I was 17, and fell in love for the first time when I was 21 back in ui with one of my classmates, but of course that didnt last. I always felt like I was going down the wrong path, because even though I was dating women like I “should”, I still felt attracted to guys. Eventually I got the chance to speak to people through the internet, and found out what being gay was, and realised that I wasn’t an aberration. It gave me the tools to discover who I truly am. I dated my first guy when I was 24, which was when I was able to accept it, and I’ve identified as gay since then.

I did feel very strongly that I didnt belong in the society over there, with LGBTQIA+ people not being talked about at all, and such a religious culture which openly hated gay people… Growing up in a muslim society was very challenging, as the only Catholic guy in primary and middle school, with a western name as well, it didnt make it any easier to come to terms with my sexual orientation. I was bullied quite a lot for the way I dressed and acted, for not having a girlfriend etc. And that challenge moved to my home, the struggle about how to let my family accept me, the isolation that you feel as you build up to coming out to your family… Being gay, and the youngest in the family, in a very religious, Catholic family was not the easiest.

Eventually, even after moving out with friends after graduation, I was still very close with my family and dreaded the idea of coming out to them, and the possible disconnect from those family ties. Because I couldnt think of anything worse than not being able to see my nephews and nieces, of spending time with my parents. But eventually I had to be selfish for once, and I came out to them in August 2018. It was really hard for them in the beginning, they were really shocked, but we had a serious chat a few days later. I just realised, they always knew but they kind of denied within themselves, because of them… I looked different to any other gay guy that they knew of… I didnt fit those stereotypes that they thought of. I just did my best to educate them and make them believe it. At the beginning they were saying “You’re only saying that because you dont want to get married” and all this kind of stuff. I had to give them examples of people that I’d introduced them to and tell them that they were actually past boyfriends for them to accept the fact that I’m actually a gay guy.

They were expecting, even though we live in Australia now, that coming out to everyone would get me fired, or beaten up at work. They had no idea about the anti-discrimination laws in Australia, they even asked me about whether there was any sort of gay community in Sydney. Obviously it was a bit much for them, they offered me church conversion therapies, they offered me medications, they asked me to go on a blind date with a girl that might change my mind, but obviously none of those were options. I’ve asked them to accept who I am, and if not then they can continue their lives without me in it. But it didnt actually take any longer than two weeks before they started inviting me to family gatherings again, and our relationship now is even closer than what it was before. I’m so much more comfortable being myself around them, I dont feel like I have to hide myself, and pretend to be straight anymore that I used to do before. My whole family is so much closer now and I’m very grateful.

For my fmily I’ve always been the rebel. I was the first to move out of home, even though I’m the youngest. All of my brothers were getting engaged and married and still living with my parents. I moved out when I finished my studies, and everyone was against it. There’s this stigma in middle eastern culture that a young man should not move out of his family home before he gets married, because that will ruin his reputation and morals, and will have temptation to do bad things. There’ve always been comments about the way I dress, because my fashion choices were not very accepted, I followed the western singers on TV and stuff. And when I had my first piercing, an eyebrow piercing when I was 24, my family didnt talk to me for about two weeks because they thought it was too gay… surprise! It got even worse when I got my first tattoo, my friends would say to me “you look like a homeless person” “you look like you have no morals” etc, etc. When I got my ears pierced, they started saying that “you look like a faggot” which was really harsh. But I’ve always wanted to do what represents me, not to follow a group f people or act like someone else. I want to present myself in a way that represents myself, and I have always felt free to change my looks or the way I dress.

Things have definitely changed about the way I dress and act since I came out. I feel like I’m out of my shell, especially at work, I no longer feel the need to try to blend in anymore. Luckily the diversity at my work is very broad, so looking different isn’t a big deal. So far out of nearly 50 staff, I’m the only that is openly gay, which means of course I was picked by the inclusion co-ordinator to become the LGBTQIA+ champion fo the office, so staff could approach me to ask for resources and assistance when they have clients in the LGBTQIA+ community. And now I have the pride flag on my desk and people get shocked when they see it, and I can almost see the question marks appearing over their head as they stand there. But yes, I am definitely more comfortable being myself at work, that comfort in being who I am has helped my relationship with my managers because it’s like being a bird, and you finally learn how to fly, that’s how it feels for me to be out.

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[turtle-steverogers]

Rumble (1/2)

mmmm greasers and socs we stan

also its like 1:40 so uh yah be gentle ik my writing ain’t thriving rn

warnings: homophobic slurs, heated make out seshes, uhhh knives/stabbing, bad 1 am writing im sorry

ship: sprace

word count: 2600

-

Electricity coursed through Race’s veins as Spot reached up, tangling his fingers in his blonde curls and tilting his head, deepening the kiss even further.  Race hummed, tightening his grip on Spot’s waist and pushing him further against the wall, smirking against Spot’s lips when the breath of a moan escaped him.

It was thrilling, the leather of his own jacket combating the blue boiled wool of Spot’s letterman one.  They weren’t supposed to be doing this, the long standing rivalry between the Greasers and the Socs holding strong.  But Spot Conlon and Racetrack Higgins had never been known to stick to the status quo.  

It had started as a heated fling.  Adrenaline riding high after a particularly intense rumble one evening led them to Race’s dingy bedroom, where they had spent the night on his mattress, words scarce and breaths heavy.  They’d played around like that for a while, stealing kisses when no one was looking, holding teasing eye contact across classrooms.  It drove Race crazy, though.  He wanted more, his passion for Spot giving way to love, care for the Soc worming its way into his stomach and seizing hold of his heart.

This internal conflict, however, was quickly resolved when Spot had pulled him into the boy’s restroom between periods, leading him into a stall and kissing him gentler Race could have imagined.  He’d whispered his love onto Race’s lips, insisting that they become something closer than what they were.  

Race had agreed, but they had a reputation to uphold.  For as long as anyone could remember, they hated each other.  A childhood bond breaking awfully when Spot’s dad got a decent job and moved their family to the other side of town, instilling a jarring pretentiousness within Spot and damaging his friendship with Race.  

So, although the hateful feelings had ceased, the snide remarks and nasty sneers remained ever present when they were in public.  It was a painful mask to wear, biting names at each other and digging into known insecurities for the sake of their act.  It worked, though, because no one suspected a thing.

Race ducked his head down, pressing a bruising kiss to Spot’s neck, allowing his teeth to graze the skin.  He began to suck a hickey into the sensitive area, but stopped when Spot nudged him away.

“Mm, the last one just faded,” he breathed, watching Race through lidded eyes.

Race just smiled, “All the more reason to leave another,” he kissed Spot briefly, reaching around to grasp Spot’s ass, squeezing it playfully, “gotta let everyone know you’re unavailable.”

Spot narrowed his eyes, though there was no hint of malice in them, “Fine, but if you’re gonna leave one, go lower.  Bumlets noticed last time.”

Race swallowed, alarm spreading through his veins, “Did he ask you anythin’?  What’d ya tell ‘im?”

“Relax,” Spot said, easily, playing with the curls at the nape of Race’s neck, sending a jolt down his spine, “Told ‘im I made out with Sarah Jacobs.”

Race’s eyes widened momentarily before he cracked a grin, a laugh forcing its way out of his stomach, “Sarah Jacobs?  That David kid’s sis?”

“That’s the one.”

Race snickered, “Did Bumlets buy it?”

Spot shrugged, “Guess so, he was off my ass after that.”

Race whistled, “Does Sarah know you two apparently made out?”

“I told her I needed a cover,” Spot said, looking mildly uncomfortable, “But I didn’t say what for.”

“Did she ask?”

Spot shook his head, “Just went with it.”

“Good friend,” Race said, nodding approvingly.  His eyes flicked down to Spot’s lips, “Now where were we?”

Spot laughed, leaning in to kiss him, “So eager.”

“Yeah well,” Race fisted Spot’s jacket, tearing it off his shoulders and making Spot gasp, “You’re irresistible.”

Race left their little escapade with Spot’s jacket still held loosely in his grip and a bounce in his step.  The sun was completely set by the time he ventured back to his neighborhood, wandering down the street freely until he came up to his house.  

“Where were ya?”

Race froze, the blood draining from his face as he turned to the side, shoving Spot’s jacket behind his back.  Seated on the rickety armchair that had always resided on the front porch was Race’s brother, Albert, arms crossed at his chest.  He wasn’t wearing a shirt and a pair of their other brother, Jack’s, old pajama pants hung casually on his hips.  It was obvious that he was about to go to bed.  

“And what did you just try to hide from me?” Albert pushed, raising his eyebrows and nodding to Race’s arm, which was still behind his back.

“Mind your own business,” Race snarled, a blush creeping onto his cheeks.

Albert studied him for a moment, his gaze landing on Race’s hair, “Why is your hair all fucked- oh my god,” his expression changed from one of skepticism to pure shock, “You’re hookin’ up with someone, ain’t ya?”

Race spluttered for a moment, feeling his blush deepen, “No,” he sounded entirely unconvincing.

Albert smiled, hopping up with way too much fervor for Race’s liking, “You are! Who is she?”

Race grit his teeth, eyes shifting away from Albert.  He couldn’t lie to him- he’d never been able to- but he couldn’t tell the truth either.

“No one,” he mumbled, “‘M goin’ ta bed.”

He hurried inside, briefly glancing down the hallway to where he could see Jack reading on their ratty sofa, before bounding up the stairs.  He slammed his bedroom door, locking it behind him and slumping down on his matress, kicking off his shoes along the way.  He wriggled out of his jacket and jeans and pulled his blankets up to his chest, tucking Spot’s jacket under his head, breathing in the comforting and familiar smell.  

He allowed it to lull him to sleep, calming his nerves as he was pulled under.

XXX

“Higgins, where’d ya get those jeans?”  Race set his jaw, fighting the urge to smile as Spot’s voice entered his auditory, “Did your mother buy them for you?  Oh wait,” Spot clicked his tongue, “Guess she can’t now that she’s what, six feet under?  If you could even afford to get her properly buried.”

Race turned towards him, noting the apologetic undertone in his voice, “Nah, got them from your parent’s closet when I was visiting your mom last week,” he leaned against his locker, “I must say, she’s really brilliant when she’s-”

Spot lunged forward, slamming him against the locker and biting his lip to keep from laughing, “Don’t you dare speak about my mother like that, Higgins,” he growled.  Race had to give him credit, his acting was brilliant.  

“Or what?” Race countered, reluctantly shoving him back and taking note of the small crowd that had circled around them.  Spot pretended to flounder for a moment and Race took the opportunity, “You Socs are honest pussies when it comes to fights,” he scoffed, “Suck my dick, Conlon.”

Spot’s eyes flashed and he grabbed Race’s ear, yanking him down to his level and whispering, “Better meet me out behind the school after last period,” he pulled away, raising his voice once more, “And that’s a promise, Higgins,” the crowd around them hooted, obviously expecting some sort of threat to be fulfilled, “Watch your back.”

Race watched him leave with his posse, letting his guard down.  Faux fights with Spot always instilled some sort of excitement in him, the lie a fast wave to ride.

The school day crept by painfully.  Race sat restlessly in his classes, bouncing his leg vigorously as he watched the clock tick excruciatingly slow.  He was out of his seat, backpack slung haphazardly on his back the moment the bell rang, He walked faster than strictly necessary to the back of the school, where Spot was already waiting.  A cigarette hung lazily from his lips and he looked up as Race approached, plucking it from his mouth and holding it out in a silent offer.

Race took it blindly, pulling a deep drag before chucking it to the ground and stepping on it as he moved forward, pinning Spot to the wall and pressing their mouths together.  The taste of the cigarette melded between them, adding a certain heat to their already intense session.  Spot gasped against his lips, whining when Race reached down, unzipping his fly and unbuttoning his khakis.  

“Aye, Conlon, there you-”

Spot drove Race away from him, fumbling to fix his pants as Hotshot approached, looking both confused and furious.

“What, are you two fucking or something?” He barked, rounding on Spot, “Thought you wanted nothing to do with this Greaser scum.”

Spot seemed to regain his composure, “I don’t,” he said, voice low, “He came onto me, I was just about to beat the shit out of his faggot ass.”

Race winced, mentally forcing himself to remember Spot was pretending.

Hotshot frowned, nose scrunched in disgust, “Yeah?  Kinda looked like you were enjoying it.”

Spot rolled his eyes, attempting to shoulder past Hotshot, “Whatever.”

Hotshot grabbed his bicep, holding him in place, “You two really wanna prove your little rendezvous wasn’t what it looked like? Be at the lot tonight at sundown.  Shouldn’t matter what happens if these little fairy flings are fake.”

Hotshot threw Spot to the ground, spitting next to him before leaving.  Race watched him go, making sure he was out of sight before reaching down a hand to help Spot up.  Spot shook his head, his chest heaving as he hoisted himself to his feet.

“We could run,” Race said, “Leave before tonight.”  He was trembling, certain that his face matched Spot’s pale expression.

Spot looked like he was having some sort of aneurysm as he backed away, “No, I, uh-” he sounded breathless, scared, “I gotta go, I’ll see you...tonight, yeah, uh.  Be there,” he finally looked at Race, “Please.”

Race shook his head, dumbfounded, “Spot, we don’t have ta-”

But Spot was gone, footsteps echoing as he ran in the opposite direction.

XXX

Race sat on his mattress, nausea turning in his stomach as he watched the sky change through his window.  There was probably homework he could be doing, but what did it matter if he was just going to be killed this evening.  Rumbles were unpredictable; a nasty throttle of blood and animosity.  It was rare that anyone actually died, but that didn’t stop the worst possible outcome from crawling into his brain.

These things were huge, large sums of both sides turning up for each one.  Race usually liked them to a degree, finding the exhilarating atmosphere entertaining, but that was when he wasn’t the center of the conflict.  Now, it was just sickening.

“Aye, if you’re coming to the rumble, we should get goin’ now.”  Jack peeked his head into his room.  

Race forced himself to look at his older brother, trying to smile as convincingly as he could.  He hadn’t told Jack and Albert that he was a key contender in the rumble, just that there was one.  Though, in hindsight, he should’ve refrained from talking about it at all- not that it would have stopped them from finding out.  Word gets around fast.

“Yeah, uh, yeah,” Race said, clearing his throat and scooting forward to pull on his shoes, “Al comin?”

“You know the kid,” Jack leaned against his doorframe, holding out Race’s jacket for him, “Could never pass up the chance ta watch a fight.”

Race choked out a laugh, though it sounded more like a whimper, “Yeah,” he flinched as his voice cracked.

Albert was already waiting at the bottom of the stairs, shoes tied and jean jacket on, “C’mon guys, the sun’s settin’!” he exclaimed, reaching out and pulling Race out the door, “It’s gonna start soon.”

With each step Race took towards the lot, it felt like he was approaching his doom.  He wanted nothing more than to curl up with Spot and find comfort in their closeness, but he couldn’t have that now.  Besides, Spot was clearly mortified, there was no way he was up for cuddling right now.

The mass of people in the lot was visible even from a distance, already divided seamlessly into two sides.  The three boys approached, naturally fusing into the side that housed the Greasers, blending in with the hoard of rowdy looking boys.  Race’s eyes scanned the other group, immediately finding Spot at the head of the crowd, clad in his favorite red sweater.  He was jeering at someone from the Greasers, though Race could sense the apprehension emanating from him.  

He tried to blend in, staying purposefully towards the back, but it was no use.  He made piercing eye contact with Hotshot and felt the blood drain from his face as the Soc’s face morphed into one of triumph.  He shoved his way to the middle of the split and held his fingers to his mouth, whistling loudly enough to gain everyone’s attention.  Race looked back at Spot, who was staring at Hotshot, lips parted slightly.  

“We’re gathered here this fine evening,” Hotshot began, his tone innocent, but eyes fiery, “Because I had the pleasure of witnessing something extraordinary,” he had everyone’s apt attention now, “See, I was walking after school, looking for our favorite shorty here,” he yanked Spot out of the crowd and Spot grimaced, looking like he wanted to disappear, “When I found him behind the school,” he paused for affect, “Pants unbuttoned and tongue down the throat of-” Murmurs were already rippling through the crowd, “Racetrack fucking Higgins.”

Race shut his eyes as he felt every head turn towards him.  Somewhere to his left, he could hear Albert mumble, ‘what the fuck’, along with a few confused hoots from other people.  He wanted to run.  He wanted to grab Spot and skip town and pretend that none of this was happening- that they were okay.  But his feet were glued to the spot.

“Now, I’m sure it was a simple misunderstanding,” Hotshot spoke again, “Seeing as it is common knowledge that these two cannot stand each other,” Race gasped as someone pushed him to the middle, “I’m sure this little debacle can be cleared up.”

Race opened his eyes, sucking in a breath when he realized how close he was to Hotshot and Spot.

“You two hate each other, yes?” Hotshot hissed, leaning in close to him.

Race nodded vigorously.

“Prove it, then,” Hotshot jabbed, producing a switchblade from his back pocket, “Stab him.”

Race choked, “Stab Spot?  You want me to stab your best friend?”

Hotshot laughed, “He’s not my best friend,” he said, “Not as long as he’s okay with kissing on other men,” he pressed the knife into Race’s hand, “Now go.”

Race stared at the blade, turning it over in shaking hands before flipping it open.  He could feel the crowd watching him with baited breath and he spared a glance at Spot, who was watching him with desperation written on his face.  Race focused his eyes, making a split second decision.

He lunged forward, tackling Spot away from Hotshot and pinning him to the ground, driving his knee into his side.  He flipped open the knife and held it between them, watching as Spot’s expression calmed.

“I love you,” Spot murmured, breaths evening out, “Do what you have to, it’s okay.”

Race drank in his expression, bathing in the warmth of his rich brown eyes and cherishing the beauty in his hard features.

“I love you, too,” He muttered back, “I’m sorry.”

He took a deep breath, plunging the blade into his own stomach.

-

nnng yeah im gonna write a pt 2 dw dw we’re not jus leavin it there

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

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[side-effect-of-the-meds]

So random though I can’t get out of my head? You know how Andrew has like a nono word list well does Erin and also does she have any words she loves? Like the sound of/the meaning behind/wherever she first heard it? Holy guacamole I’m putting way to many question marks. But this is Seriously a Need To Know thing

Guacamole anon?????? Is that you????????

Okay look, I was trying to write my twinyard piece and u came and stuck this idea in my head and im anger. I’m far too easily distracted to be a real writer :’))))

Alright, so there’s the obvious ones: please, beg for me, faggot, but there are a few others including ‘retarded’ <<<<<< She’s fully prepared to fight Wymack on that one. Once she does voice her complaint on it, he stops using it immediately. 

Now, this part is a bit painful. Any form of the word ‘prostitute’ is hard for her to hear. Have you ever heard of the tape analogy? In the tape analogy, a woman is like a piece of tape. A piece of tape that hasn’t stuck to any surface before, has amazing bonding abilities. However, every time the piece of tape is ripped up, it loses some of its bonding ability (note: I am saying bonding ability, not stickiness. That’s how this analogy is taught). Soon, the tape has been stuck to too many surfaces. It’s lost all its bonding ability. The piece of tape is now useless. Women are pieces of tape. If she has had more than one partner, she won’t be able to properly bond with them. If she’s had too many partners, she’s useless. That is the extent of the sex ed. that Erin receives. 

Take a second to think about that. Women are told that if she has more than one partner, she’d useless. So… what does that make Erin? Her virginity was stolen when she was seven but people have been touching her inappropriately for as long as she can remember. Men have made her watch them jack off. Women have made her grab their breasts. The people that raised Erin were disgusting and because of the sorry excuse for an education system, Erin believes that she’s just a useless piece of tape, incapable of loving and not worthy of being loved. 

To make matters worse? There’s Drake. He would pin her down and tell her to be a good little slut/whore. Truly disgusting. I hope he’s burning in the deepest circle of Hell. Also, his pet name for Erin was “Eri”. You know who else calls her that? Aaron. You can not comprehend the complete and utter fear that she felt when he called her Eri for the first time. Drake wasn’t her brother by blood but he was still her brother. She didn’t know what to expect from Aaron when he said it for the first time. Context though, he was being sarcastic. “Aw, poor little Eri,” he had said. She literally jumped when he’d said it. They were at the store and she ended up knocking over a really big display. After that, he only ever calls her that when he’s drunk and Erin slowly begins to accept it as Aaron’s name for her. Her brother’s name for her. 

Back to the other one tho. You thought I was done. Nah, b. I’m just getting started. When Kevin leaves Evermore for Palmetto, people blame Erin for it. Everyone is convinced she’s seduced him and dragged him down to Palmetto. On her first day there, she arrives at the court to find slut and many variations of it spray painted over the court. All four girls share a dorm room Erin’s first year. Someone manages to pick the lock and trash the place. This is the only time the monsters and the upperclassmen come together before Ania. They track down the ppl that vandalized the dorms and they make them pay. I’ll leave the details to your imagination but I’ll tell you this, Seth’s really good with computers and Allison has millions of followers on every social media platform. Do what you will with that information. While it stops the vandalizing and quiets most of the kids in the hall, the media is still referring to Erin as Kevin’s mistress. At a press conference, someone asks Kevin if Erin has let him go down her foxhole. This is the only time Wymack’s professionalism fails him. He decks the man then and there. In front of everyone. 

Erin, though? She hasn’t said a word the entire time. She’s been raised to believe that this is what she is. Erin is just now discovering the depth of her sexuality. The media frenzy, the vandalization, the gossip: it’s her punishment for craving the sins of the flesh. She comes out to Kevin one night at Eden’s. She needs to make sure that he doesn’t get any ideas about her after all the media’s hoopla. Kevin is stressed. How is she going to make court now? A part of him wonders what would have happened if she’d taken Riko’s offer and gone to Evermore. Would Riko have left him for Erin? He doesn’t let himself dwell on it. So long as she keeps it under wraps, it won’t interfere with her making court. She doesn’t seem keen on telling people so he doesn’t fight her on it. 

Doe. Doe is a problem. Erin grows up knowing that her mother didn’t want her to have any chance at finding her. Without a last name to trace, it would be hard. The only reason she even finds Aaron is he gets hurt while Tilda is on her date. He gets taken to the hospital but it's just a scratch that needs two or three stitches. Erin and Higgens happen to be there in a coincidence of massive proportions. He’s talking to Aaron about how there’s a girl who looks just like him when Erin comes out. She suffered a minor burn while helping Cassidy in the kitchen. Tilda comes to grab Aaron and she sees Erin. Erin and Aaron have identical facial features and similar builds. Women’s bodies naturally store more fat + her sweet tooth = her having a lot more squish but she’s beautiful and you can fight me. “Jude!” Tilda cries. Her cover is blown and now she can’t even hide that Erin is hers. 

With her empty facade and drugged mania, Erin is usually able to play off her hate for the name. Taking Aaron’s name helped a lot but it still hurts sometimes. Like the nickname ‘Eri’ she does take back the name. Look, Erin has a hard enough time dealing with a drunk Aaron on his own but Ania? She’s sappy as hell on a good day but drunk? Erin insists she can feel her teeth rotting with every word out of Ania’s mouth, quite a feat considering her diet. God forbid, the two of them get drunk together. It doesn’t happen often but when it does Erin always feels like she’s going to cry. After growing up believing that she isn’t capable of loving or being loved, being faced with the overwhelming love of the two of them, is really just too much for her. They’ll be leaning against one another drunkenly and catch sight of Erin. “Eri!” they cry. They always reach out and Erin always catches them. They do group hugs. It’s horrifying. They just sandwich Erin and it always leaves her shook. The two of them will sit side by side praising her. They talk about how strong she is, both physically and mentally/emotionally. They talk about how pretty and smart she is. They’re slurring their words and singing their praises for her and sometimes Erin does cry. Aaron will wipe her tears away and kiss her forehead. Ania will ask for permission to hold her bc Erin’s comfort is always top priority. They tell her they love her and Erin just doesn’t even know what to say. Anyway one day Ania is drunk and staring at Erin. 

“You’re eyes are so big n pretty. So big n brown n pretty like… like…”

“Like a doe!” Aaron cries. He gasps. “That’s why! That’s why they called you Erin Doe!” He looks so proud of himself like he’s just cracked case of the century. Little Doe becomes a pet name for her as well. Ania isn’t a blackout drunk so she knows what she’s doing. She’ll call Erin ‘little doe’ when Erin cuddles her or when Erin is mad. Erin thinks Aaron doesn’t remember any of this until she borrows his phone to call her own bc she lost it. She types in her number and it auto-populates with the contact name “Little Doe”. It makes her really soft.

[grayson-dolans-dangly-earring]

Connected Hearts (G.D.)

Hello my little muffins! I had a dream the other night and the wonderful @scuteedolans gave me the courage to write and post this! Im sorry if this sucks but i’m tryin real hard lol its a whole whopping 1,383 words and its based in a bagel shop because i work in a bagel shop and its easy for me to write about hahaha but let me know what you think!

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I headed toward the front of the bagel shop, carrying four tubs of bulk cream cheese. The containers were full and very heavy, but I knew if I balanced things just right I’d make it to the line just in time. I hauled the tubs up on to the counter and started pulling off the lids. I felt someone nudge my arm and I turned to see one of my best friends, Ethan, grinning down at me. “What’s shakin’, bup?” he asked. “Really? ‘What’s shakin’ ‘ E? Are you 80 years old?” I said with a giggle. “What?! I’m trying to keep our banter fresh and exciting!” Ethan said with a dorky smile. His smile faltered a bit when he saw my boyfriend coming up to the front of the store. Me, Ethan, and my boyfriend Jason, all worked together at the bagel shop, and while Ethan was one of my oldest and dearest friends, he and Jason did NOT get along. Ethan tried to be his friend and made an effort to be nice to Jason, but because Jason was our manager and also very territorial, he immediately disliked Ethan. And he liked Ethan’s twin brother, Grayson, even less. “Hey man! How’s your day goin?” Ethan asked, attempting to make polite conversation, bless his precious heart. Jason just glared at him and then said “It could be better.” Jason continued walking passed us and into his office to probably do some “paperwork”. And by paperwork, I mean texting other girls. He’s an awful person and he treats me terribly and honestly, I don’t know why I’m still with him. Things used to be good between us. We used to have fun and we used to be happy, but now I wake up next to him and feel nothing. I have more fun with the twins than I’ve ever had with Jason. Today it was the same thing again. I woke up, I somehow irritated him (probably just from breathing), and the subsequent car ride to work together was awkward and uncomfortable.

All of a sudden the sound of shouting filled the bagel shop and I looked up to see a group of Jason’s friends. I sighed and Ethan looked up to see what had me so distressed. At the sight of Jason’s friends, he groaned and said “Why do they always come in packs?! Please, Y/N explain this to me.” I chuckled and shook my head because I had no answer for him. Jason’s friends strolled up to the counter to order and as soon as they did, one of them snapped in my face and proceeded to laugh. “Hey Y/N, is Jason here? We’d rather talk to him than you and your faggot friend here.” One of them said. Ethan raised his voice to a rather high pitch and adopted an effeminate tone and said “Sure thing babe, I’ll go get him for ya right this very second, sugar.” Ethan walked towards the office, adding a little sway of his hips that made me giggle. I clapped my hand over my mouth and tried to suppress a full-body laugh. Jason emerged from his office, Ethan trailing behind him making silly faces causing me to giggle yet again. Jason glared at me when he heard me laughing and responded with “What the fuck are you laughing about? Don’t you have something to clean? Go.” Jason turned to talk with his wild pack of friends and I could feel myself getting more and more angry. I spun around to carry the dirty metal pans into the kitchen. I could see Ethan typing wildly on his phone, ignoring the situation. I started walking to the kitchen and my shoe caught on a broken tile and the tower of metal pans in my hands went crashing loudly to the floor. Everyone went quiet and stared at me, judging my clumsiness. I could feel my cheeks heating up and I just knew my face was red. I felt a hand on my arm, helping me up and I knew it was Ethan. “Thanks E.” I whispered. Suddenly, Jason’s voice boomed through the restaurant. “WHAT THE FUCK Y/N?! WHY CAN’T YOU EVER DO WHAT I ASK?! YOU’RE SO FUCKING STUPID!” he screamed, his friends snickering behind him. Before I knew it, I was up in his face and the words were exploding out of me. “YA KNOW WHAT JASON? I CAN’T FUCKING STAND YOU. I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN ABLE TO LOOK AT YOU WITHOUT GAGGING FOR THE LAST 3 MONTHS. YOU ARE REPULSIVE AND LOUD AND ANNOYING AND SO FUCKING SELFISH THAT I FEEL GUILTY FOR HAVING MY OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.” At this point Jason was staring at me in complete shock and I was just so angry I just couldn’t stop screaming. “WE AREN’T GOOD TOGETHER AND WE HAVENT BEEN FOR A LONG FUCKING TIME. YOU’RE ALWAYS SO MEAN TO ME AND I HAVE TO CALL ONE OF THE TWINS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. SO YA KNOW WHAT?” I inhaled deeply, held my breath, and exhaled slowly before whispering “I’m done.” “What the fuck did you just say to me?” Jason hissed. “ I said I’m fucking done. We are OVER. Get your shit out of my apartment and get the hell out of my life.” I spat back at him. Ethan put his hand on my back and said “C’mon Y/n.” “Oh one last thing Jason. I QUIT. So have fun covering my Saturday closing shift, asshole!” I grinned at him over my shoulder and waved goodbye. “I’ll call ya later bup, okay?” Ethan said quietly. I nodded and made my way to the back of the store. I could hear Jason’s “Have fun walking home bitch! We took my car here today!” in the distance but I couldn’t care less. I felt weightless and free for the first time in a long time. I hung my apron up and slung my bag over my shoulder. I shoved the door open and the sun hit my face as I smiled. I heard someone clear their throat and I opened my eyes. When my eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight and I could see again, my face split into a grin because standing before me was the one and only Grayson Dolan, leaning all strong and handsome with his arms crossed over his chest against his big pick-up truck. “Gray how do you always know when I need you the most?” I asked. “Our hearts are connected, don’t you know that by now?” he said with a grin. I crossed my arms and smirked back at him, raising an eyebrow. “Alright, Ethan texted me and told me what that jerk-off was doing to you. You know I have half a mind to walk in there and knock him the fuck out, right?” Grayson said, pointing at the door. “Yeah Gray, I know.” I said smiling down at my feet. I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes, threatening to spill over. The watery image of two shoes became four, as Grayson stepped forward into my space. He put two fingers under my chin and lifted my head to look me in the eyes. I sniffled and he wiped a stray tear from my cheek. “Stop it sweetheart. Don’t cry. You know I don’t like seein’ you cry.” He said smiling softly. “I know Gray. Our hearts are connected, remember?” I whispered back. “That they are sweetheart, that they are.” Grayson said quietly. We locked eyes for a few moments and I could feel the electricity between us. “Grayson, I need you.” I whispered. “I know. I always know.” Was all he said before he gently pressed his lips to mine. He pulled back and searched my face for any kind of sign that what just happened wasn’t okay. I smiled and said “Now I know why Jason never liked you.” Grayson held a hand over his heart and gasped in mock surprise. “What?! Jason doesn’t like me?! Well I never!” I threw my head back and laughed loudly and unashamed. “C’mon babe, lets go for a ride.” He said, pulling me towards his truck. For the first time in along time, I could say I was truly happy. It felt so damn good.

[suggy-maynard01-blog]

Fight Me Bitch!

~Warning:homophobic mentions but it is cute at the end so keep reading x~

Conor’s POV: I knew the boys took the mick of Jack and Joe for being together, but I never knew it was serious. I thought they were only joking. What I didn’t know was that they were all VERY homophobic. What I also didn’t know was that Jack and Joe took it very personally, getting very upset over it all. I’m sick of them doing this to my baby brother and my future brother-in-law. I’ve never really been around when they say it but I left something at Jacks once and I heard him crying over it and repeating to himself “why do they hate me?” Well I’m going to change that. I’m not having my baby brother and his boyfriend upset anymore, no matter what it takes.

I walk into Jacks flat after everyone else has been there, we were meant to meet up 30 mins ago but I’ve been busy at the studio working on my second album. I’ve never really heard the boys being harsh to joeck and I think it’s because they know I’m going to beat them up if I heard, but it doesn’t stop them when I’m not there. And what they don’t know, is I can hear them right now.

“I still can’t believe you two are actually together. At first I thought it was a prank, faggots” Caspar said

"I’m still waiting for you two to break up. I don’t even know why I’m still friends with gay people, it’s gross” Oli adds on

"If your religious Jack, why are you gay? God created man and woman to be together, not man and man” Mikey comments

"Surely God hates you then doesn’t he. You’d probably go to hell for being Gay” Caspar adds on to Mikey comment

"Just fucking die already. No body likes gay people” I hear Josh say

"Joe why can’t you just be like Zoe and like the opposite gender to yourself. No wonder she’s more successful” Oli states

"Jack even your own family hate you. When was the last time Conor actually talked to you. And I bet if he was here he’d be on our side” Josh tell them

My bloods boiling. How dare they be so horrible to two innocent boys. So fucking what if they like the same gender as themselves. What’s that got to do with anyone else?

"THATS IT!” I yell, walking into the room, shoving the door open so it catches everyone’s attention and makes a loud bang “IVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SO YOU SHOULD ALL JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

"But their gay Conor. Surely you hate them too?” Mikey asks

“SHUT THE FUCK UP. NOW. SO FUCKING WHAT IF THEIR GAY. AND? WHATS IT GOT TO DO WITH YOU SICK BASTARD. WHY HAVE YOU GOT TO INTERFERE WITH THEIR LOVE LIFE. ITS THEIR LIFE, NOT YOURS, SO STICK YOUR TINY STUPID HEAD OUT OF THEIR BUSINESS AND GET A REAL LIFE. WHAT SORT OF SICK PEOPLE ARE YOU. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I STARTED HATING YOU BECAUSE OF WHERE YOU WERE BORN OR THE COLOUR OF YOU HAIR. YOU WOULD BE ANNOYED CUS YOU CANT CONTROL IT. SO STOP BEING FUCKING PRICKS AND BEING HORRIBLE TO PEOPLE WHO CANT CONTROL WHO THEY LOVE. AND IT SHOULDN’T MATTER. IF THEIR HAPPY THATS ALL THAT SHOULD MATTER IF YOUR A TRUE FRIEND. IVE REALISED ALL YOU ARE IS A GROUP OF PATHETIC PRICKS BECAUSE YOU FIND A TINY TINY FLAW IN SOMEONE AND REPEATEDLY MAKE THEM FEEL BAD FOR IT, EVEN THO THEY CANT CONTROL IT SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS APARTMENT AND DONT RETURN UNTIL YOUVE REALISED YOUR IN THE FUCKING WRONG”

"IF IM IN THE FUCKING WRONG. FIGHT ME BITCH” Caspar challenges. So I accept it and throw my fist towards his face.

It sends him stumbling backwards slightly put he regains himself and punches me in the stomach. I hunch over but quickly stand up, grab him by the shoulders, knee him in the balls them kick him in the stomach which sends him stumbling backwards until he falls onto the floor. Oli goes over to Caspar to make sure he’s okay but Josh comes up to fight me

"Your tiny Conor. Your never going to beat me” Josh tells me

I don’t care” I say “as long as you get it into your pathetic minds that your wrong” i finish then throw my fist right at his nose, giving him a nose bleed. He picks me up and throws me backwards, my back making contact with a cupboard.

I watch, in too much pain to stand up, as Joe stands up and starts throwing punches at Josh. Even though Josh is a lot taller than Joe, Joe is a lot stronger than Josh and eventually Joe has Josh hunched over in pain next to Caspar. Mikey and Oli try to lift Caspar and Josh and exit the room, not forgetting to send me, Jack and Joe death glares.

“Omg con. Are you okay?” Jack says, running over to me after they have left

"It hurts but I’ll be fine. As long as you two are happy, I’m happy"I tell them both

"You really didn’t have to do that Conor. Their your mates too, I’m sorry I made you not be friends with them anymore” joe tells me while looking at the floor.

"Joe” I say is a nice but firm voice. I put my hand on his arm and he looks up at me “even if it was my own parents saying that stuff, I would still stick up for you because their in the wrong. What have you two done wrong? So what if your gay? If your happy, that’s all that should matters. And I know for a fact that you make Jack happy and Jack makes you happy so I’m going to stand by you, support you and stick up for you both, no matter how long it is for or who it is. You make my brother happy Joe, and I trust you. So I’m your number one fan until I die, and then I’ll still be your number one fan in the grave”

"Con” Jack says

"Yeah Jack” I say, letting go of Joe and turning all of my attention to Jack who’s sat next to me

"Thank you” he says hugging me. I immediately hug him back and look over at Joe, signalling for him to join the hug. He does and we all sit their, saying nothing, knowing no matter what, we have each other. And that’s all that matters.

[artofpeacelove]

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

I’m 32 years old, and I didn’t find out I was intersex until two years ago, after both of my parents had died. In the midst of an ugly sibling fight over our parents’ assets, one of my six older sisters called me a “faggot.” When I dialed up another, the eldest, to complain about the insult, her response was unexpected. “I don’t know why she would say that, since she knows you were born a girl,” she told me.

I identified at the time as transgender, as someone who had been born male but had transitioned to female, so I thought this was a rare moment of acceptance and progressive thought. It seemed my sister was acknowledging that I was “born this way.” As I turned the comment over and over in my mind that night, however, something didn’t sit quite right with me. So, I called her again the next day.

“What did you mean, that I was born a girl?” I asked her.

She begged out of answering, saying that she didn’t want to change the way I felt about our parents since they had passed, but I persisted. Finally, she told me that I’d been born intersex, or as she called it, “a hermaphrodite,” and that everyone knew but me. According to my sister, when I was born the doctor told my mom that I was deformed, that I would need surgery and hormones to live a “normal” life… as a boy. My mom was sent home with me but told that she’d need to return to the hospital soon in order to “fix me.” I underwent surgery at some point thereafter to remove the “unwanted” female parts of my anatomy, my sister told me. Suddenly, the scars in my genital region, the ones my mother had told me were from chicken pox, made sense. I wasn’t, however, given hormones at the time. The why of this remains a mystery, as I can no longer ask my parents to explain their thought process from all those years ago.

Despite an effort to “normalize” my body with surgery, however, I never felt as though I fit in. I remember looking up at the sky at a very young age: “Why am I so different?” I just felt like there weren’t many people like me, and that I was really alone. I was a boy but feminine. I dressed up like Belle from Beauty and the Beast and the female Power Rangers. My parents let me do as I pleased, and indulged me with outfits meant for little girls; maybe they felt guilty about what’d they’d done and wanted me to be as “me” as possible regardless. I’ll never know.

Then, one day in kindergarten, my teacher noticed there was a penis beneath my dress. She called my parents in and told them they had to start dressing me like a boy or I’d be expelled. That day is burned in my brain, because when we got home, my dad, a barber, told me we had to cut off my Dora the Explorer bob. I cried, as I’d wanted to grow it even longer, and was held against my will, kicking and screaming, as he shaved it. I remember saying to him that I hated him, and him replying that he was so sorry, and that it was hurting him to cut my hair, too. He told me it was for my own good and safety, words I didn’t understand at the time but which stuck with me nonetheless. The first act of violence against my identity took place in the room where I’d had surgery; this was the second.

In the years that followed, I was forced to conform to gender norms as a boy. The small act of rebellion I was still allowed was a refusal to wear pants. I wore shorts year-round instead, which earned me the nickname chores (the Spanish word for “shorts”). I still had no idea that I was intersex; all I knew was that the identity being forced upon me didn’t fit.

When my sister revealed the truth to me so many years later, she also told me that my parents had finally tried to get me hormone treatment when puberty refused to take hold, but that it had been too late. This revelation dredged up the memory of an appointment I’d attended with my father when I was 13. I remembered that the doctor had asked me if I wanted to take estrogen or testosterone. I didn’t know what he meant, but I told him I didn’t want to take anything. Then I told him I definitely did not want to be a boy, but that I didn’t want my father to know I didn’t want to be a boy.

To his credit, this rural Washington state doctor didn’t tell my father the truth. Instead, he told my dad it was too late for me to get the hormones, and that they should let nature run its course. Today I’m grateful for that doctor; however, at the time, I still left his office “a boy.”

Three years later, when I was 16, I began to really question myself and my life and my identity. I became depressed and attempted suicide on multiple occasions. After the last time failed, I decided I was just going to be whoever I wanted. Myself.

I left home for Los Angeles to attend the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising. There I met my best friend Johanna. She told me that she was trans, and I said, “I am, too. I think.” At that time, I was dressing fairly androgynously, because that’s what felt best, but as she started taking me into trans spaces, I learned I had to become femme in order to be accepted. Otherwise, I was just “a gay boy in a dress.” I didn’t feel 100 percent onboard with the idea, but I didn’t know where I would find a community for the androgynous, and it was community I so desperately craved.

So, I began to transition via hormone therapy. In this period, I went home at one point and my mom said something odd, which was that she didn’t want me to be like my uncle, who had never married or had children. She also told me that she didn’t like me hanging out with the trans community because I was changing too much, and because I “wasn’t like them” as I’d been “born the way I am.” I argued that they were, too, not realizing at the time what she was trying to say.

My dad had always been more accepting than my mom, than most people, and when he was dying, something beautiful happened. He told my brother-in-law to call all of his daughters into the room. When we were gathered, he said, “You are all my daughters.” It was a such a beautiful moment of acknowledgement, one that healed the trauma from when he’d shaved my identity away as a kid.

After my mom died, and I learned that I was intersex, I realized that what she’d once said—that I was born this way—was her way of telling me that I was intersex. There was another revelation in this time period, too. The uncle she’d mentioned, the one she’d not wanted me to end up like, was also intersex. (By the way, intersex bodies often recur in family trees.)

This revelation helped me to heal my relationship with her, though she was already passed. I chose to replace the anger and resentment I’d felt with appreciation for the fact that she likely thought she was doing what’s best for me, trying to save me from the fate she’d seen my uncle suffer. I chose to accept that version versus the version of anger or mistrust or any sort of negative energy towards her and my father, these two beautiful beings who raised me with minimal education. With all of these realizations, I began the process of healing.

Learning that I was intersex, however, threw my life into a tailspin. At the time, I was doing trans advocacy work, and I wondered if I was an imposter. I didn’t know if I should separate myself not just from my work but from the trans community. Ultimately, I decided that no, I didn’t need to leave my work or my community because I had lived the trans experience before learning my truth. Instead, I added an identity for which I could advocate: intersex. Since then, I’ve identified as intersex trans femme.

I started to acknowledge my femininity and my masculinity at the same time. Finally, I understood why I have some soft features and why I have some hard features, and it allowed me to see myself no longer as what I need to change but as what I already am. There had always been a fight within myself—I was too feminine or not feminine enough—but the more I’ve allowed myself to be this androgynous being, the more that I continue to harness a power that is so beautiful and loving.

I know now that my parents did the best they could with the information and biases they possessed, but I would make different choices with my own child. Every intersex individual looks different—sometimes you might have a penis and a vagina, sometimes a penis and ovaries, etc. It takes innumerable forms. When you decide to change whatever it is that nature has made at such a young age, I consider this genital mutilation and therefore sexual abuse. You’re doing it without their consent, and you’re changing their entire lives. And yet, these surgeries are happening in secret all over the United States, and globally. It’s heartbreaking. We’re not close to enlightenment around this, though. California is the first state that’s tried to pass legislation banning doctors from performing such surgeries on babies and children, which tells you where we are as a nation.

If you’re not sure how to feel about the idea that intersex people should not be forced to gender conform, I invite you to consider how imbalanced this world is at present. We have a dominant gender and a submissive gender. To me, the intersex gender can help us to balance this imbalanced dynamic. I think that’s what we’re brought into the world to be: balance. I think there’s something very beautiful about having both genitalia.

Can you imagine what this world would look like if we acknowledged that intersex people exist rather than erasing an entire population out of existence?

To bring intersex populations out of the shadows, I believe we need LGBTQIA2S+ trainings in school wherein people of different identities speak about their experiences—a lesbian couple talks about lesbian sex, transgender people talk about trans sex, an intersex person talks about genitalia. In this way, these types of discussions would be normalized, and then people wouldn’t have to pose invasive questions (“What’s beneath your skirt?”) to strangers that make them uncomfortable and uneasy about their bodies.

I believe this would lead to a healthier society, mentally, because kids, like the one I once was, will be able to realize they’re not alone.

If you are intersex and struggling with your identity, that is the first thing I’d like you to know. I would also encourage you to harness your energy and focus on loving yourself and the body you’re in, because the shift in consciousness starts with that very personal change. If you are in a dark spot, cling on to the little bit of light for as long as you can until you find a bigger light to cling to. That’s what worked for me.

I know there aren’t many role models out there for intersex people to look up to, and it’s hard to talk about this stuff when elsewhere there’s just silence. I’m trying to create the change I need but there so many against it, and putting up a fight against so many bullies is scary.

Still, I’m going to do what I need to do to make it, and that’s loving the magical being I am, the one who was born between the sexes, perfectly.

***

Alexandra Magallon is a legal services client advocate for the Los Angeles LGBT Center who identifies as intersex trans femme. The intersex population has historically been erased, rendering it all but invisible. She offers her story (as told to Erin Bunch) to shed light on a closeted demographic that’s actually as common as redheads. 

Being an ally for the LGBTQ+ community entails more than just wearing rainbows in June; here’s how to make allyship a foundational part of your everyday life. Plus, this  ten-second tweak goes a huge distance towards helping the cause. 

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[wedadatef]

badassصلب، قوي Yea its you One and only Trademark yourself before someone steals you نعم لكنت واحدة والعلامات التجارية نفسك فقط قبل شخص يسرق لك hi!! how are you? good cool what's up? every thing is fine oh cool tell me what happened with you last time? ??? what? you said you will tell me tomorrow sorry i was updateing on twitter just forget it oh! it's okay so tell me againnnn tell u what just over it i don't know what are you talking about tell me why are you reacting that too narrow last time ?? when i asked you.you said you will tell me tomorrow i told you accept me like that u don't like it just scape this chat   you know you're the most innocent girl i know thats why i am talking to you too freely please don't hate haha i don't u force me to hate when i said just forget it just do it no we had a nice chat last time did i begged you for pictures?? did i forced you to do such forbidden things ? i just a want an open minded friend عليا و عليكي حياتي sorry send it wrong okay but please anwser me did i begged you for pictures?did i forced you to do such forbidden things ? i just a want an open minded friend a one female friend who can share everything with me and i can share everything with her that's it we can be friends then? talk all time about sadness and happiest everything but not about your bra size or talking from that u understanding me orr will you be in flirtationship with me?? More than best friend and less than relationship it will be fun nope no issues just share your feeling and thaughts with me and i will share mine with you what the point ? what's problem in that?? the point is you can tell me about your desires and your wishes and i will share mine with you okay ?? lol nuh no just said yes then i will ask you a question that you have to answer i don't how would you react if i asked that question you will think that i am illiterate or get dropped from college or a man with illness but it's very interesting question and think that muslim community has it's answer ????! answer me muslim community yeah you're muslim i know what do you mean about muslim community just said yes yes i am i just do get what u said okay ask me do you believe in spirit and super natural things? or paranormal stuff? yes u don't i believe in black magic too same.. i believe it but some people call me i am just faggot are u a muslim too no i belongs to Christianity what the f*** ??? what?? ok brother we are one muslim or Christian religion does not matter okay but why did you said What The Fuck ?? is there any problem talking to Christians?? What relationship between believed in ghosts and faggot no i called u a bro u think it's a broplem they think i am idiot no u don't no when i said i belongs to Christianity then you said WHAT THE FUCK i am asking you that is there any problem with me ? believe in spirit and super natural things? or paranormal Stov I think the spirits and the supernatural found in the Bible and the Qur'an because i am Christian no no no no no i have many friends even i love justin bieber sooooooooooooooo much and selena gomez and they are Christian yeah but now days humans think that science is god is it wrong okay k i don't like it when you said what the fuck okay have you ever heard of these things? about spirit and super natural things? اسم شبح ghost, shadow, bogey, sprite, phantom, apparition روح spirit, soul, life, essence, psyche, ghost خيال imagination, fantasy, fiction, silhouette, shadow, ghost طيف spectrum, shadow, ghost, vision, phantom, shade ظل shadow, shade, umbrage, umbra, ghost روح شريرة evil spirit, poltergeist, ghost, ghoul زور ghost, spectrum yep yes tell me About it my brother see 3 ghost You received a photo! Click and hold to viewreally?? when tell me from the beginning A deserted place for a long time was a mill for wheat just that yep yes tell me About it my brother see 3 ghost You received a photo! Click and hold to viewreally?? when tell me from the beginning A deserted place for a long time was a mill for wheat just that and? when did they see ghosts? Message failed to send: that what he said that what he said last year in march oh cool what are ghost doing? nothing just show off and disappears can i ask why did you ask me that? Coz you're muslim just that cuz i'm muslim yeah u didn't know whay?? There is a program on the radio about the true horror and the ring was inhabited for hotels, hotel inhabited all located in America, Canada, Italy You received a photo! Click and hold to view Mar 14, 2017, 11:16 PM i know that show are u arab for god sake no i am not an Arabic Guy hahahahahahhahaa cuz u say i know it i know that show not arabic that's an arab show on the radio no i think i watch other one then Ghost Hunters i watch that show and that's not even in arabic language https://youtu.be/1iZ5T8a4JGQ i know   Mar 14, 2017, 11:26 PM then?? why did you told me i am arabic? i feel oor u older man idk i'm not even usually awake by then by the way why u wake ? well idk couldnt sleep was feeling idk i I used to wake early from college then i wake up now what time is early for you? 5 am all the week i wake up at 5am WOW yes im travel to coolege and go home how long does it take to go to college? 2hour omg yeaah wow you are dedicated my name wedad nice talking to you Wedad! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cT8F4TbX2t4 everything is possible ...but true love is impossible Hi Looking for a decent female for a friendly conversation Let's have a chat Clean chat only...! Can't even stand my own attitude sometimes, another person's is impossible! so please keep it simple... 15 مارس 01:28 ص What do you do?? I am a doctor i'm a student 4our year agriculture and biology college You live in Egypt? Good May i look at you? y? Maybe we can good friends Photo opened!it that debented on a pic? Nop or? Just wanted to see arab people You people look more cute aha good answer but not convince me I don't want to convince you so Why I convince you? I am not going to propose you send ur pic who told you i will agree if you going to propose me I know your response ? That's why I am not proposing lol ok send ur pic Photo expired Mar 14, 2017, 11:59 PM What are you doing now? Mar 15, 2017, 12:02 AM nothing How many members are in your family? You have boyfriend? nope 5 Why you don't have boyfriend? You look cute when i have a boyfriend he will be my husband not just a boyfriend That's good YUP You have fb?? We can chat there? no Thanx i have to go right now Going Where? we can talk later at night if u still online So late When you will be back baby? After how much time Mar 15, 2017, 1:01 AM ???? i am not an older man Mar 15, 2017, 12:46 AM hey!! Mar 15, 2017, 1:26 AM HII AGAIN hahaha so tell me more about ghosts i just believe it i don't know much to tell you ok tell me about yourself and your family my name wedad Wedad? ok have 5 members in my family what does that mean? yes it's my name if u wonder about meaning it's about love eachother and be kind and frieandly my baba passed by since 2012   that name is matched to your personality that my name meaning cool awww that's so bad RIP your Dad yes it so hard to lose most person u love most hardest if he is your father yeah it is i am so sorry and how many sisters do you have? 3 cool hey u ask me u didn't say anything about you i am only one in my fam mom dad have three cousin Kenita Raphile Kristen My real name David Johnesburg Love's to dance hate violence flirticious but good from heart 1m what? wait i'll be back oh okay back so did you read my bio? darkkness don't be afraid? haha yeah i was the most daring guy in college once i saved poor older guy from thugs got broke my ankle and get deep cut Wrist nearly half of my veins get ripped a man return from darkest nightmare you know i wanna be a muslim guy like hashashins heros from 1300 century i'm soo sorry wait i'll be back again okay hashashins؟ i can't read it yeah what is mean u such a hero save a man from bad things they are the ones who work in the dark to serve the light hahaha i want everyone to be happy and want to be there hero good are u here in this app all time online every time so that if i get died on one day my relatives and the ones who knows me wil tell everyone how they know me no just enjoying holidays after exams i wonder if i wanna talk to u again so where i can find you on chatous u can't be online again i will be u just said just enjoying holidays after exams ok give me your WhatsApp i don't have oh!! i will be there at this time daily i even don't have a phone mine was stolen last monday i told ya before give me your number oh yeah you told me once actually there is restriction ؟ for giving our phone number to other Muslim citizens sorry تناقض contradiction, conflict, discrepancy, inconsistency, ambivalence, opposition تكذيب denial, contradiction إنكار denial, negation, renunciation, refusal, disavowal, contradiction التناقض الكامل contradiction, polarity كلام مناقض لنفسه contradiction that rule was passed by that fucking idiot trump even in canada i don't know why the fuck this happens You received a photo! Click and hold to view Mar 14, 2017, 9:12 PM Prevent Muslims from entering the country do not take their phone numbers justin trudeau is a nice guy i don't know why did he accepted Trump's suggestion wait u was asking for my WhatsApp why contradiction yeah coz you want to be in contact with me? right i can't give you my number yup but u can give me yours that's the rule no i can't too forget it okay no problem so now we're in Flirtationship with me ? Message failed to send: NOPE NOPE just kidding HEHE and pulling your leg discreet حصيف, متحفظ, عاقل, حذر, حكيم, سري reserved محجوز, متحفظ, محتشم, كتوم, مفرد لغرض خاص, مدخر للمستقبل cautious حذر, متحفظ, محترس reticent كتوم, متحفظ, صموت, قليل الكلام, متكتم aloof متحفظ careful دقيق, حذر, شديد الحرص, معتن, يقظ, متحفظ secretive كتوم, متكتم, مكتوم, مفرز, متحفظ, إفرازي close قريب, أساسي, حميم, دقيق, ضم, متحفظ incommunicable متحفظ, متعذر إبلاغه wary حذر, محترس, متحفظ, يقظ incommunicative متحفظ uncommunicative صموت, متحفظ taciturn قليل الكلام, صموت, كتوم, متحفظ, سكيت self-contained متحفظ, متميز بضبط النفس, مستقل stand-offish متحفظ