#that shit makes you doubt yourself
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There's no greater grief than knowing you've lost the ability to inhale an entire 200 paged book in one day
#disheartening really#that shit makes you doubt yourself#and it's worse when you remember how you actually enjoyed reading and how you used to get praised for being able to read so much
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It is WILD to me how many people just loudly broadcast their intention to scab, as if that isn't the fastest way to brand yourself as someone who will throw anyone else to the wolves in an industry that runs on collaboration, so every writer say it with me
#tbh i doubt most of these people even have offers to scab. so they're REALLY just fucking themselves here.#like this doesn't even apply to me cuz it's not like I'm on anyone's radar at this point but good lord#do you wanna make rent in six months? five years from now? don't undermine the guild and dont shoot yourself in the foot! oh my god!#edited to make it more clear in the post that SCABBING IS A SHIT MOVE NOT JUST CUZ ITLL GET YOU PERSONALLY BLACKLISTED
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I know it's certainly been said before, but I just know in my heart of hearts that ronan (impulsive, romantic, religious, all or nothing) woke up with a ring in his palms the morning after he and adam kissed for the first time. and then he probably didn't dream for a while, after his mom and gansey and cabeswater and noah - but once he started again and also started sharing a bed with adam I just know that he dreamt rings again, and I just know at some point adam caught onto it, and I just know adam (practical, logical, love-skeptic, took a year to consider his feelings before making a move) freaked the fuck out. and I think that's hilarious.
#trc#pynch#don't TDT @ me I'm not interested#but I just think it's such an interesting dynamic - ronan doesn't think anything through and adam overthinks EVERYTHING#and in trc we see that balances out; adam gets to carefully and throughouly consider his own feelings#without having the chance to doubt ronan's affections because ronan is SO consistent with his staring and gestures#and I think adam's obsessive independence and absolutely shit family history will make him soooo commitment phobic and wary of marriage#but it's just impossible to not have to evaluate your feelings and have necessary conversations about it with yourself#when your boyfriend consistently manifests his desire to marry you lmao#pynch dynamic is adam trying to convince himself he's unknowable or lovable#and ronan annoying the fuck out of him with concrete proof it's fundamentally untrue#when your bf is so annoying it makes you a better and more emotionally healthy person 🤗
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Oh, good. The people who can't read a linked article on a post they reblog, much less open a separate tab and look into something themselves, are gonna tell us what is and isn't legit
#if you are the kind of person who has REPEATEDLY shown your judgement is based on vibes and not facts#you cannot be surprised when people cast doubt on you#which is why 'reblog first and fact check later IF AT ALL' is harmful#and sorry but ADHD is not an excuse to be ignorant and reblog constant misinfo and then act like you actually care abt an issue#vagueposting#like i get that life is hard! but if you dont wanna do the work of informing yourself on a post's content before reblogging it:#DON'T REBLOG IT!#maybe just like it and come back to it later!!!#sorry but this kneejerk urge to 'spread awareness' has proven for a lot of you to just be an excuse#to reblog complete misinfo bc you dont want to do the work of making YOURSELF aware#but you wanna seem like you give a shit.#and clrly since posting is the most a lot of yall do re:activism you can't just NOT post about something!!#a lot of yall spread bullshit not awareness.#and frankly. how dare you act like adhd would give you a pass to do this AGAIN and AGAIN.#take some personal responsibility for your role in making the internet a shittier place babe!
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I think in the universe where the Cullens aren't in Forks, Bella Swan takes a while to come out of her shell, but when she does, she's witty and passionate and smart as a whip, even if she's still quiet and reserved. She sits with Jessica Stanley, who demands the best of everyone, and tells her friends about her boyfriend down on the rez, who is sweet and caring and funny and good with his hands, who works for everything he's ever had.
After class, during a sleepover, Bella whispers to tell Angie and Jess about the night after prom, even though her father, loving and careless, worries about her only a normal amount and loves Jacob Black like his own. When she gets into Dartmouth--all by herself, through study sessions in garages and with Jessica and in Angela's house--she chooses to go to Stanford instead. She misses the heat and light on her skin, even after falling in love with the rain. Jessica comes with her; Angela and Eric go to U of Washington in Seattle instead, for education and journalism respectively.
Bella makes sure to call every week and then one day she drives down to Seattle and her boyfriend, warm like the sun she loves and at least twice as reliable, becomes her fiancé. The ring isn't especially big or ornate or pricey, but the way she smiles could trick anyone into thinking that it was. All of her friends, new and old, are waiting at the small party afterwards, and Bella laughs the entire time. The engagement cake--chocolate, her favourite--is sweet and moist against her tongue.
She moves back to Forks once she gets her masters in information sciences and becomes the town's librarian. She gets married a month before the move, barefoot in the surf and her old prom dress, both her parents weeping with joy and Billy Black beaming damn near as bright as his son, Sue Clearwater holding his hand.
She raises her kids --both beautiful children, blessed with Jake's thick, long hair--with Angela and Eric's and takes them down to Los Angeles to visit their auntie Jess and her husband Quil, who lavishes them with gifts from her career as a top surgeon. She jokes about having to support Quil's career as an environmental lawyer and displays each and every one of his wins alongside her diplomas. When William Black II decides he wants to be a doctor too, she writes him a shining letter of recommendation to her alma mater. Sarah, who has always been the spitting image of her father, joins and eventually takes over Jacob's mechanic shop.
On occasion, Bella fights with Jacob, even though he's the love of her life. Despite this, she is never afraid of him, and he never stops her from doing what she wants. Instead, he goes out and works on his cars and comes back in an hour later with slightly greasy hands and a bouquet of flowers from Emily Young's little garden, planted to celebrate her cousin Leah Uley's wedding. Bella makes him muffins, recipe courtesy of Sue and missing bites courtesy of Seth, Colin, Sarah, Will, and Claire, with raspberries, not blueberries, just how Jake likes them. They make up, and they make changes, and they go on.
Eventually, both slower and quicker than she realizes, Bella gets old. She lives in fear of losing herself, of losing her husband and her children, like her grandmother had. But she remembers her grandkids to the very end, even gets to meet her first great-grandchild a week before it happens. Her heart gives out before her brain does, too weak and too slow.
It was too full of love, the letter from Jacob says. Sarah reads it. Her father passed a day after his wife--simply too heartbroken to live without her. Much of the town of Forks and hordes of family attend their funeral, remembering a life well lived.
It is an unremarkable life, in the grand scheme of things. She does not live to be a thousand; she is no great beast, with speed like the wind and strength; she does not discover her powers or lead a great defiance. Bella Black, happy and human and surrounded by love, could never imagine wanting anything else.
#lee's wild scribbles#team jacob#twilight saga#jacob x bella#swanblack#tw: food#OK! that's all the tags for searching so now it's time for the really important tags: me rambling#this was extremely stream of consciousness pls be nice#it was also supposed to come with a lil video like my other little ficlet for this fandom but tumblr wasn't feeling it#also i have not edited this and i'm not going to so if you see a typo you keep that shit to yourself#this was written kind of as a reflection on how bella lowkey chooses to sacrifice so much of what makes life good to me in favour of edward#and how she like. gives up her personhood and future to be his and has no friends outside of the cullens and jake#(who is essentially being held hostage by reenactment)#twilight has such a weird relationship with f3minism. i should write about that at some point#(also this is not tikt0k. i censor words so that they don't turn up in tags bc i doubt ppl in the f3minism tag are looking for twilight fic
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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For the longest time, I always thought I wanted to be an artist.
#and in a roundabout sort of way i am#and i doubt i'll ever make anything that's “worthy” enough to hang in a museum or gallery#but sometimes it's a lot more gratifying inspiring other people and helping them make stuff#helped a kid in my class today who didn't have a parent with them make a flower and a bat and a butterfly#they just needed a lot of help but they were so proud of that flower they made and were so excited they could take it home#another kid made the cutest bunny and a little diorama for it out of a piece of bark and literal trash we picked up on the trail#even made a little tail out of a gold sequin that they magically collected from somewhere#had another kid bring back a whole ass tumbleweed with grand ambitions to decorate it but then had a sudden change of plans#so sure you can draw a cat on your piece of origami paper with the hot glue gun kid just don't burn yourself or use all the glue sticks#i don't know what the moral of this story is but look i just had a nice day okay#some days i'm out there attempting to save a whole ass ecosystem and trying to convince people to give a shit#other days hanging out with kids and gluing bits of nicely folded paper to a twig#rambling into the void#little ghost on the prairie#tag essay
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5e is so fun when you don't have bitches in your ear telling you it's the worst thing ever
#I've been avoiding dming for so long because of all the scaremongering i see here on tumblr#about how 5e is a fundamentally broken system and a bunch of other shit#when it's like... we're literally just playing pretend and need a system to resolve combat disputes#if you can't make 5e work maybe you're just approaching the idea wrong#idk im very negative and i know 5e isnt perfect but like for real i saw so many posts being like its SO BAD but then never giving#clear altwrnatives just “research it yourself”#i mean like lancer sounded fun but then i researched it and apparently its very bad according to what i saw online!#i doubt thats true its probably perfectly acceptable#but like seriously#anyways this is your sign to either start a tabletop campaign or join one its good for the soul
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yknow i really do wish the lsers would evaluate their ableism/sanism problem at some point but i doubt thats ever gonna happen considering that shits normal in society and barely seen as a problem even in leftist spaces
#mine.txt#like id Like to watch streams without getting genuinely upset but i suppose thats too much to ask for#like no amount of warcrimes or mean behaviour will get me to genuinely feel hatred for a cc#ableism on the other hand....#the funniest thing is thats not even enough for me to write them off as a bad person cause that shit really is just that normal#like i can still genuinely like a cc while hating them for doing an ableism#like it really is just that normal#its everywhere from everyone all the time forever and i doubt we'll ever truly escape it#cause its either a cool little aesthetic you can slap onto yourself to make yourself more interesting#(im talking about ppl who like to go ''oh im such a psycho'' for being edgy while demonizing actual psychotics and the like btw)#an easy way to hurt someone you dislike#or just. normal.#i sound like im giving up and i suppose i technically am#but like genuinely in order to navigate reality and be able to enjoy things you just kinda have to reckon with the fact that#when youre someone like me; at least on Some level; the ppl around you hate you even when they love you
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you will not be able to relate to every single thing experienced by every single person who shares your diagnosis or identifier and you're just going to have to deal with that.
i mean that very seriously, because it's easy to react with self-doubt and think maybe you're wrong, maybe you don't actually count as x because you don't understand y thing other x person is talking about.
it is unfortunately also easy to react with a closing-of-the-ranks defensiveness in which you narrow your eyes in suspicion at every person who claims they are x like you are but experiences y in a way that doesn't make sense to you.
chronic illness, mental health, hell, being part of a whole host of other categories and populations means accepting that a wide array of perspectives and experiences will fall under that same umbrella with you.
sometimes you're just not gonna get how someone else is under the same umbrella as you, but the wrong reaction is trying to elbow them out or force yourself out into the rain to have an existential identity crisis.
they're big umbrellas. there's enough room for all of us as long as we're willing to allow that space to exist and stop trying to question each other's right to occupy it.
#really maddening the way this shit seems to rise in cycles#if you feel alienated by the way other people talk about experiencing the thing you also experience but in a different way#if that causes you to doubt yourself and feel alone#those are feelings you need to examine process and manage yourself and they're not the other person's fault#relate YOUR experience the way YOU experience it if what you're seeing makes you feel personally unseen#i'll bet you make somebody else feel seen while you're at it
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hot take but taking every hearsay or rumor or book in a fictional universe for fact is bad understanding of the world as the story presents it, actually
#li.txt#this is both about dishonored and elder scrolls#propaganda exists! artistic interpretation exists! lie exist! people make shit up!#you cant take anything literally unless youre seeing it for yourself imo#if someone is telling you a story about their life they might omit information or make themselves look better! thats how people work!#or if you hear idk some musicians singing in the streets about an ancient myth from 4k years ago maybe dont take it for fact#this is a direct callout to people shitting on born in the month of darkness#if anything they were trying to make the outsider sound like a pathetic wet cat in need of a warm blanket and food. a poor meow meow#unless stuff is confirmed by the characters themselves Im not gonna believe it fully#the books are also often just. not true. theyre scientific speculation Just Like Real Life#or full on propaganda. just like - you guessed it - real life!#the best example that I can think of is how theres two books on the war of betony island in daggerfall. political!! propaganda!!!#not to mention: people will deceive you on purpose! omit details or full on Lie in your face#like Im sure theres stuff we completely misunderstood cause the one thing we were told about it was by someone bullshitting#like with delilah talking about her tragic backstory. like dont get me wrong I 100% believe that it all happened#but also I doubt she was as pitiful and that the Very Quick Summary was all there is to it#I should probably specify that if youre down to believing absolutely everything when there isnt any other sources thats fine#esp if you want to believe it for the reasons of Oh This Is Cool#like people absolutely eating up the angsty backstory for the outsider (me included cause yes. angst.)#have fun with all that#this is mostly about all the people throwing a temper tantrum online about disliking something about canon#'why do the musicians know the backstory why cant they leave anything vague anymore:/' theyre artists melinda its their job ur doing the sam#unless this was confirmed by the outsider in the books idk I cant find those damn things#if something is Stated by a Character or Written in a Novel that is in the world theres always some doubt#like I genuinely doubt that the events of Young Prince of Tyvia happened the way they do in the books#so like yknow. if you hate stuff so much just. ignore the canon established by literal in-game fiction
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Why does Yunobo's sage theme go so fucking hard
#While Tulin's progression from doubt to accepting the stone is the best written#Yunobo's has the best score#Yunobo's theme makes me feel like we're going to kick ganons ass RIGHT NOW#tloz#totk#yunobo#I love him so much#Rijus theme also goes hard but it feels a lot more calm and collected compared to Yunobo's#Which thematically makes sense#Since she's#You know#A fucking gerudo warrior queen#Meanwhile Sidon and Link are shaking hands meme with ''I have to do everything myself so no one else gets hurt'' syndrome#Holy shit I think all the sages reflect different aspects of links original heroes journey as well as his overall#''you don't have to do this by yourself you know'' arc in totk#Holy shit gotta make a separate post about that
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Did sleeping help
No </3
#vent#tsk. isn’t it like. if you hate everything then eat#if you think everyone hates you then sleep#if you hate yourself take a shower?#sooooooooo. uhhhhhhh. didnt. work?#hng. artfight... I was so excited I have so many ideas#but it’s like. everything is triggering me or making me upset or freaked out or sick. idk what to do#I go ‘oh lemme see what my friends have done so far’ and then I see an oc from someone not my friend anymore and I’m like. ougghhh#I feel like such a baby for caring. stupid for being upset still. it’s like it only mattered to me and no one else had to deal with such#crippling anxiety and stress because of it#everyone is getting so much done so fast and I STILL can’t submit the second thing I did. I’m going to lose my head or cry or both or die or#SOMETHING uhhhhhhggggggg and it’s like all my anxieties are circling back around cus it was this time last year shit hit the fan#I have college!! I have no clue what my plans are!! all I’m good for is making fake people and drawing said people!!#I’m such a fucking. stupid.. I wasn’t even supposed to take this last semester off. we just didn’t know what other classes to take or what#to focus on... I’ve been literally free all day every day since December and it’s like I’m STILL not doing anything worthwhile#mmm I’m so alone in this I can’t DEAL well I guess I’ve been ‘dealing’ but I don’t believe thinking about bad situations literally every day#since they’ve happened can be considered as ‘dealing’ with it. I doubt anyone else is thinking about it that hard but I can’t help it#I can’t do a complete cut off from the internet. my only friends are here! what then? then I’m just. some sad sack who doesn’t talk to#anyone? mmm this isn’t a good way to start the day but I can’t NOT think. it’s all I do. my brain is one of the things that makes be I can’t#self labotomize myself into being a chiller person without killing everything that makes me with it#ugh. I’m going to be stuck in this headspace forever. even with apologies and make ups or agreements to stay apart#I’ll still be the one dealing with the negatives and fallout from shitty situations. funny seeing as I still don’t understand how things#even escalated so fast. but whatever. I’m the bad wolf forever. can’t change that
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You!!! Make this community a better place!!! Thank you for grazing in the Steddie nation!!
#you ever watch a documentary on autism in ‘women and girls’ and SO MUCH of it hits home and makes sense but not all of it 100% so doubt#yourself even though over 75% fits when you’ve been thinking this might be The Right Fit but don’t have a formal diagnosis and probably#will never get one#BUT THEN get really upset because it’s in ‘women and girls’ and you don’t want to be either of those and it hurts in a way you can’t explan#and then worry you are over analysing everything and making things out to be more than they are#idk idk just thoughts to vent out I don’t need a reply so please don’t feel obligated or anything#I mean talking abt it is always interesting but I’m not expecting anything#as all of my posts are!! never an obligation! ever!!!#idk man just thinking out loud and tag talking is my way becaude a full text post is too Much#I just hope everyone is doing okay???? AND!!! I hope you are enjoying yourselves???#in some way!!#because I’ve come back and seeing the creativity and joy and community here js so lovely#I wish I had the time to reblog everybody’s work and exclaim the details and feeling of it all#because regardless of fic shit post art edit gifs it’s all INCREDIBLE. it brings so much emotion to so many and you deserve the recognition#and credit for it because yes you do it for yourself but the feedback is always nice. always.#I just want people to be encouraged to create idk you are all so wonderful and I need you to know that#OKAY I’m done back to Normal reblogs and ask answering and whatever else I can provide#sorry!!!
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dear god that would be turbo cringe or whatever, but seeing all those annoying little things in fics over and over again really makes me want to write one in which they're not obligatory funnymoments but rather like, words that have meaning and weight and so on
#shrimp thoughts#like. 1. characters acting all cryptic and condescending when their friend who isn't aware they're queer and in love comes to them for#advice like 'oh figure it out yourself baby :)' that's so obnoxious. this is a romcom not a hero's journey you're TWENTY not a Wise Mentor#2. characters acting condescending and rolling their eyes soooo hard about how their friend hasn't figured/took them so long to figure out#they're queer because it was so obvious! how can you be so dense! or: how can you be IGNORANT of kink matters (that we never told you about#3. characters making retching noises and complaining how disgusting/gross their friends are once they get together. the friends aren't#like frenching or fucking on the dining table but just smiling at each other. free pass at homophobia nonetheless ig#4. characters reacting to any sort of doubts/internal conflict their friend has with 'omg who cares just do the thing! stop overthinking!'#ETC ETC#so many times i've started reading a good fic with an otherwise engaging characterization only for the writer to pull an Easy Fan Favourite#like one of the above and like ggggghhhhhhhhhh#if it was one (1) character in one (1) fandom or even just a type of characters i wouldn't mind AS MUCH but it's everyone whether it makes#sense for them or not. is this guy calm and sensitive? doesn't matter! he's going to do and say the same things a silly chatterbox type#of a character because telling your friends they're gross for being a couple is universal now#OH i almost forgot. everyone's having kinky sex of many different kinds but react like twitter teenagers to any mention of sex in general#'ew! TMI! i don't want to hear about all the insane shit you do in your bedroom! not in front of the children! not while i'm eating!'#'just read better fanfiction' look i'm TRYING i'm TRYING OKAY
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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