#that other 5% is either when my period pains put me on my back or a migraine does

[tealeavesandthorns]

//I'm supposed to be at the cinema with my friend tonight to see poor things but... like I have a bad head, but Mark ruffalo... but pain, im also still in pain....

[sunflowerrosewood]

S/O Gets Period and They Take Care ~ Stray Kids (all)

Author's Note: Since my other account @cheekyredwillow got deleted. I am adding some of my favorite fanfictions to this account and revamping this one with new ones. I hope to make an actual list of fandoms I am still a fan of! NO requests for the time being.

I'm writing this one as the whole group finds out and takes care of you. I'm on mine right now and this idea hit me. Also trying out texting parts of the story 👀.

~~~~

You got up as if it was a normal day for you. You got ready for work/school and went. You were working on a project when you felt a cramp hit you. Your stomach clenched. You knew what that meant. Your period was either here or was about to be in the next couple of days.

You had some extra pads on you so as a safety precaution, you grabbed one and ran to the bathroom. No blood stain on your undergarment but as you went to the bathroom, you were bleeding. Phew you made it just in time....

Though now that you put your pad on and it officially started. Your cramps also began. You had to go back to your project slightly bent over due to them. Why did they have to hit at work/school? Why couldn't they hit at home then you could've have "worked from home" today?

A couple hours went past and your cramps were hitting you hard. Your friend Yuko came by to check on you.

"Y/n are you okay? You don't look too good?" She asked softly.

"I'm not. My period started at work." You told her.

"Why don't you go home? You have been caught up for weeks now. A day off doesn't hurt?" She told you and you nodded your head.

Yuko did have a point. You haven't taken many days off and you still had 5 more hours to go. So you listened to her and decided to go back home. Before you left, a group chat went off. Your group chat with Stray Kids.

You were added in this chat by your best friend Jeongin. He wanted you to meet the group and you clicked right in. Now the whole crew adores you and loves when you hang out with them. Though today, you feel bad. It was the weekly movie night and you'll have to cancel.

You hoped that would ease their worries. They didn't need to fret over you. You grabbed your things from work and headed home.

~~■■ Stray Kids' POV ■■~~

The group got your latest message and began to wonder what was going on? Chris being the main questioner.

"Is Y/n alright? She rarely cancels." Chris stated

"When she says she'll be okay. I worry something else is going on." Changbin said as the others nodded their heads.

"Whenever she's like this, it's either because she's sick or her period started." Jeongin stated which made some of them perk up.

"Would her period be now?" Hyunjin asked.

"I'm not sure but probably." Jeongin guessed.

"I could bring the snacks I was making to her?" Felix suggested.

"I think that's a good idea. Why don't we grab things for her?" Chris said.

Felix grabbed his baked goods he made the previous day. Chris grabbed the sweatshirt you liked to wear when you hung out with them. Changbin grabbed the large blanket. Lee Know grabbed a heating pad they had at their place. Seugmin grabbed some pain medicine they had at the dorm. Han and Hyunjin grabbed more of your favorite things around the place. Jeongin messaged the group.

~~■■ Your POV ■■~~

You got home and immediately went to the bathroom to take a shower. Something about freshening up seemed like a good thing to do now. When you finished your shower, you got into some comfy clothes you could lounge around in.

"Finally comfort. Now some medicine and food." You said and walked to the kitchen area.

Knock knock knock

"Who could be visiting?" You asked and went to your door. You looked out the peephole and saw the boys. You immediately opened the door.

"What are you doing here?" You asked very surprised.

"Surprise! We thought you'd like some comfort." Jisung exclaimed.

"We thought you weren't feeling good or perhaps on your period so we brought stuff." Minho said and held up a heating pad.

You felt yourself beginning to tear up and stepped aside for them to come in. Each one you hugged tightly. Jeongin was the last to come in and you hugged him tighter.

"Thank you." You whispered.

"Of course. We'll always be there for you." Jeongin said.

You turned in and Seugmin held out some medicine.

"We had some pain meds around the house. I hope this helps." He said softly and you smiled warmly.

"I was actually looking for some pain medication so you are right on time." You said and took some of the medicine.

"Have you ate?" Hyunjin asked.

"Not since I went to work." You told them.

"We'll get you some food. Go lay down." Felix told you.

Jisung and Changbin pulled you to your room so the others could bring things. Seugmin and Jeongin followed behind.

"I didn't realize you had a large bed?" Jisung stated and you chuckled.

"It helps to relax. But I guess it's perfect for all of you to stay too." You said.

You climbed into bed and Changbin started to set up the TV. Minho came in with the heating pad and what looked like tea. You placed the heating pad on where your cramps were hurting you. Changbin climbed beside one side of you and Jeongin on the other. Chris came in with a sweater.

"If you get cold, I brought your favorite one from our dorm." He said and placed it to the side.

A few minutes later, Hyunjin and Felix had some plates of food. The two of them brought it on a tray for all of you to munch on. You turned on your TV and started a movie all of you wanted to see.

An hour into the movie and the snacks dwindling, you started to feel sleepy. Between the medicine, the heating pad, and the comfort of the boys you could crash right there. You slid deeper into the blankets and fell asleep.

The boys were watching the movie and Hyunjin turned to check on you.

"Psst guys she fell asleep." He whispered.

"Oh the medicine may have kicked in." Seugmin said.

"Let's let her rest. She's probably not in pain as much." Chris said as the others nodded their heads.

Each one had a hand just rubbing either your arm or leg softly. Partially to soothe you and partially to know where you were. Another hour went by and each of the boys were starting to get sleepy.

Changbin was first and fell asleep near your shoulder. Jeongin was next and fell asleep near your other shoulder. Hyunjin and Jisung were next and fell asleep with a hand near the heating pad. Felix fell asleep with a hand on your leg. Lastly was Chris and Minho who also fell asleep with a hand on your legs.

All of you fell asleep and took a nap together. In the end, your period was more tolerable due to these boys helping you out and being a big comfort for you.

[twstfanblog]

*~Period Drama~* Monday

A/N: SCREAMS. There was no reason why this took me so long to get out. But it's here and I hope you guys like it! Another thank you to @bun-lapin for allowing me to use their lovely OCs for this fic series! I love them so much and I'm having so much fun playing with them! Word Count: 8.4K Words (God damn the next part is gonna be even bigger...) Warnings: She/They Pronouns OC, Period talk, Mentions of labor and pregnancy. Pairings: JamilxOC (Poly), Paternal Crewel &OC ~TagList @twistedcece @deltrea @krenenbaker @koebishrimpuwu @cat100200 @emyluwinter Start, Part 2 (Octavinelle), Part 3 (Heartslabyul), Part 4 (Here), Part 4.5 (Diasomnia pt.1), Part 5 (Diasomnia pt.2), Part 6 (Pomefiore), Part 7 (Scarabia)

Yuu felt awful, just total dog shit in a bag and on fire awful. But, that was to be expected when they had their period and hadn’t been able to take any pain medication. So, in all honesty, they should be fine.

Yuu checked themselves over in the bathroom mirror. Huffing under their breath and trying to get their hair to settle in a less haggard fashion. They weren’t too sure if they should even go to class. But then they thought about the fact they enjoyed school in Twisted Wonderland. They had teachers who, begrudgingly, took time out of their days to help them understand the coursework. It felt like some kind of disservice to skip out just to laze around their dorm in pain. Not to mention Crewel would have to either visit himself or have someone else bring them food and pain medicine for the day. It just sounded like a lot of unnecessary back-and-forth for everyone else that Yuu wasn’t in the mood to put their loved ones through.

 So, Yuu had put her big girl panties on - with a hand towel between her legs for blood catching, hoping she wasn't going to bleed through it - and got out of bed to go to school. She should also try to pick Grim up from Scarabia. While she’s sure her cat companion was having fun being held and hand-fed gourmet crackers, she did miss the furball and if Jamil’s update texts were of any merit, he was pouting about being away from her for so long.

Now fully dressed, and stiff with muscle aches, Yuu sighed as they walked out of their dorm. At least they were able to leave much earlier than they normally were. No Grim to drag out of bed and the fact they had been awake for hours beforehand playing a very key role. With the Sun just barely peeking over the thick woods, they started their journey to the main road to the school.

But, stepping onto the dirt path that branched off from the paved walkways of the school’s actual borders, Yuu pauses, calling out, “...Jack?”

Tall gray-furred ears perk up, the massive figure they were on freezing at the call of his name. Jack turned around slowly, almost in confusion at being called out to. But seeing it was Yuu who called to him, his wide-eyed expression shifted, his eyebrows creasing as his eyes darted to the dorm before moving back to Yuu, “Why are you outside?”

“No, no, good boy. This is still my property. I ask the questions first. What are you doing out here?” Yuu raises an eyebrow, walking closer to Jack and watching as he seemed to grow more nervous.

“I was…Just on my morning jog…”

“...At 7:30am?” Yuu smiles, tilting her at different angles with each question, “Without Vil? In your school uniform? Walking at a leisurely pace?”

“Yes, what of it?”

Yuu smiled, covering her mouth as she playfully batted at Jack’s arm, the other freshman scowling and twitching his body away from her hits, “Aw~. Were you checking on me?”

“NO, stop hitting me!”

“Oh, by the seven. I lived to see the day! Jack Howl, caring for his classmates. His heart has softened! He shows his emotions on his sleeve! His tail is wagging with glee!” “Shut up! It’s not!” Jack quickly looked behind him, just to double check his tail wasn’t actually wagging before he turned back to Yuu, “That’s not important! Why are you outside? Go back inside!”

“No? I’m going to class.” Yuu shrugs, moving to walk past him before the towering freshman steps in their path, “Jack. I was in a silly goofy mood, but not enough for this. Step aside.”

Shaking his head, Jack folds his arms in front of his chest, “No. You’re injured. You should be resting, not going to school. We’ll bring you your notes or something. Go back home.”

“No~.” Yuu tried to step past Jack again, only to lock them both into a half-step and jump dance that quickly had Yuu groaning in frustration, “Fucking move your enormous self!”

“No! You’re going back to Ramshackle to rest properly.” Jack moves forward, hands braced to clearly pick Yuu up to carry them back to the dorm physically.

“Jack.” Yuu steps back, a hand held up in a motion of ‘Stop’, “If you fucking touch me, I will eject blood on you so hard it’ll bruise you and never come out of your jacket.”

Jack instantly steps back, hands pulling back to his sides in mild fear. He…had no idea if that was even a thing. Was it a thing? Could Yuu actually somehow spray him with blood with enough pressure to harm him physically? He didn’t want to find out. Looking away, Jack steps back another pace, “I just…Should you be walking around? You don’t look good…”

Yuu sighed, tilting their head back, “I’m…gonna live. Don’t worry about it, I’m gonna get a quick pain potion from Crewel and just…fucking deal.” Rolling their neck, they shrug their shoulders and finally falling in step beside Jack to slap his back, “Come on, good boy. We got an education to get.”

“...” Jack sighed, quickly falling into pace with Yuu’s lazy stride, “Stop calling me that. Leona-Senpai keeps mocking me for it.”

“Good, you’re too big. You need to be mocked before you get any taller.”

The walk to the main building was longer than Yuu cared to remember. It was only longer with Jack constantly pointing out that Yuu counted as ‘ill’ and that it would make sense for them to skip class for the day. Then, when Yuu would simply state they were fine, Jack would offer to just carry them on his back to the school since they were clearly in pain.

“Jack, you’re very sweet. I will literally bleed on you just to prove a point. Drop it.”

The beastman huffed, looking away in annoyance but not bringing it up anymore on their walk. But in the semi-crowded hallways, Jack didn't leave for his own class. He looked conflicted, glancing at Yuu then down the hall to where he was supposed to be. He didn’t want to leave his friend unattended. The scent of their blood was stronger the longer he walked with them and he could only guess how much stronger it would get during the day. Looking around, he could see the other beastmen glancing at them in various degrees of concern and bewilderment.

“Don’t you have to go to class?”

Looking from their surroundings, Jack turned back to Yuu. He sometimes forgot just how small they felt beside him. Sure they weren't the shortest of their friends and they wore heels whenever they could, not to mention they fit into Night Raven almost too well with the number of students they've sent to the medical wing. But smelling their blood, seeing how tired and simply weathered they looked…it made a part of him want to just scoop them into his arms. Try to hum and growl the obvious pain away, like how his own parents did when he hurt himself in his childhood.

But, he'd rather Yuu actually spray him like some kind of demented blood skunk than say that to them, "Yeah I'm…Yuu. You know you smell…weird right?"

The look in Yuu's eyes literally made a bead of cold sweat form at his temple. Piercing yellow eyes quickly looking away from deep, near soulless appearing black pupils as he stuttered. Yuu somehow managed to learn Crewel-Sensei's famous "I will skin you alive and wear it as a coat" glare, something that quickly put anyone on edge because they weren't sure if they'd actually try to do it.

"Not! Not like 'smell bad' weird! Just…off…like…" he blushes, a hand coming up to nervously thumb at a pinned back ear, trying to find the right words, "You…you smell like a lady…"

The glare had thankfully faded to a simple "That was the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life" expression. Yuu tilted their head both in question and to look Jack directly in his sheepish eyes,"..." They sigh, pinching the bridge of their nose and gesturing down the hall with their other hand, "Jack, go to class."

"But-"

"Go to class."

"Bye, Yuu."

They sigh, watching Jack's hunched figure scurry down the hall and into a classroom. Honestly, the fucking men of this school…

With a spin on their heel, missing the crowd of beastmen who jump and scramble out of their way, they walk toward the teacher's lounge. Hopefully, they'll catch Crewel before he made his way to homeroom for the morning roll call.

Instead, Yuu ran into Jamil and Kalim. The two second-years standing in front of a classroom and seeming to be arguing. Grim held in one of Jamil’s arms and clearly pouting. Whether it was from the lazy hold or his own bad mood, Yuu couldn't tell.

"I can take Grim with me to class. You already have issues focusing and Grim won't be any help in that avenue."

Kalim pouts, trying to take Grim from Jamil only to be denied each time, "Come on! You won't cuddle with him and he'll be so sad until lunch. Shouldn't we do our best to keep him happy until Yuu is feeling better?"

Jamil rolls his eyes, smacking Kalim’s hand away once again, "Yuu doesn't even try to keep Grim happy at all times. He can handle not being cradled for a few hours."

Yuu walks up beside the two, hands easily snatching Grim from Jamil’s grasp in his surprise, "I don't indulge him, Jamil. There's a difference." Yuu smiles, feeling Grim instantly start purring under her grip, shifting him until he was able to rest his arms on her shoulders in a lazy hug, "Sup buddy?"

"Why the hell are you here?"

"Hello to you too, Jamil, my love."

Grim grumbles, nuzzling into Yuu's shoulder, but pulling his ears back at their scent, "You still smell weird…" his grumbles turning into purrs as Yuu scratches behind his ear.

"Yeah. I'm still on the bleed, but I should be ok."

"How!?" Jamil looked ready to either burst a blood vessel, or simply grapple them to the ground to drag them back to Ramshackle. Which was fair, but Yuu felt like if anyone besides Grim touched them they'd start swinging.

Yuu shrugs, "It's fine. I'm…living. I can handle a day at school. Did it all the time back home."

"Yeah, I don't think that was healthy…" Kalim gives them a nervous smile, clearly wanting to gather them up in a hug but having enough sense to take note of their expression, "You look…upset…"

"Oh, I am. But, that's normal."

Jamil finally relaxed, if only to pinch the bridge of his nose, "Why are you here? You should go home, you're not well."

"Jamil." Yuu placed a hand on one of his shoulders, stepping closer to press their sides together and let the second-year wrap his arms around them, even though the contact was slowly worsening their mood, "It's gonna be fine. I'm on my way to get a pain potion from Crewel. I'm going to be sitting all day. So unless by some miraculous, horrible, divine intervention and periods become contiguous? Everyone else is gonna be fine, too."

"..." Kalim suddenly stepped back, his hands covering his lower stomach in brief panic, "Wait, it's contiguous?"

"No, you fucking- I'm gonna go." Yuu pulls away from Jamil, managing to pry the second-year's hands from their jacket, " I'm gonna go before I clock Kalim in the face."

"Me!? What'd I do!? I'm sorry!"

"Stop talking." Yuu took a breath, moving their arms to properly support Grim slung over their shoulder, "No offense Kalim,  but the sound of your voice is activating my fight response. So I'm leaving before I put it into action." They nodded in farewell, almost stomping away from the confused duo. Missing the panic that slowly grew over Jamil’s face before he pulled his phone out and started texting someone.

Yuu walked down the hallway, doing her best to keep her mood above the poverty line. Beastmen bobbed and weaved through the crowds, watching Yuu through doorways and running back around corners when they saw she had noticed their staring. Normally she’d attribute it to Savanaclaw reacting to one of her and Leona’s public squabbles, but too many uniforms were sporting non-yellow ribbons to only be the Beast King’s dorm.

Showing up to the ornate door of the teachers' lounge, Yuu saw a group of beastmen from various dorms crowded around it, whispering sharply among themselves. Yuu stood back a few moments before speaking up, “Are you guys gonna move or go in?” 

The yowl the cat beastmen let out made everyone jump. Yuu stepped back as they all turned to look at her in what could be described as ‘horror’. 

“...Um…Hi?”

“Do you need help!?”

“...” Yuu looked at the other beastmen, each one almost shaking with panicked expressions, “I gotta…get into the teachers’ lounge. So can you guys move?”

They move as a unit, one of them even shoving another to get him out of their path faster. They stood in a single file line beside the door, looking at them in a mix of respect and fear. One started to scramble to remove his jacket, placing it on the ground for Yuu to walk on as if it were some kind of tiny red carpet. The taller boy smiles sheepishly and gestured for Yuu to go into the room.

…

Yuu looked down, doing their best to not walk on the jacket, “Okay…Thank you…Please leave.”

There was a second scrambling, the same student shoving the other straight to the ground as they all tried to leave. The cat beastman doubled back. He stood fidgeting with his fingers and biting his lip. Looking at him closer Yuu could see he was from Heartslabyul. Seeming to gather up his courage, he looked at her with a firm nod, “You’re doin’ great!'' Then he turned tail and ran down the hall. The group of them peeking from around the corner before fully disappearing.

…

Grim pulled his head from Yuu’s shoulder, looking at them in sleepy confusion, “What was that about?”

“I…I wish I could tell you, Grim…Let’s just go see Crewel.” Yuu leaves the jacket on the ground, stepping over it awkwardly and opening the door, “Oh, papa dog? Your favorite puppy is here.” Crewel’s head snapped around from his seat at a fast speed, Ingrid giving his neck a concerned look at the audible pop she heard from across the table, “Why?” He looked Yuu over in bewilderment, standing up and rushing  to them, “WHY ARE YOU HERE!?”

“Well, I'm in this room to get some pain relief. But, I’m in the building to go to school? That thing you guys really want me to do? To get an education or something?”

“WHY-” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to calm himself down. He bends down and places a hand on Yuu’s free shoulder, pulling her closer to speak softly, “My sweet puppy. My little mongrel. My mini menace…Why are you coming to school when you are actively bleeding from your vagina?”

“Because I’m not a little bitch?”

“You wanna repeat that?”

“Okay, okay!” Ingrid stood from her seat, gathering up the designs and fabric swatches she and Crewel were going over and quickly getting between the ‘father-daughter’ duo, “You two hotheads can cool down. Crewel, she’s here and willing to stay for classes. Now, as teachers, we’re not going to try to dissuade a student from attending classes now are we?” 

Ignoring Crewel’s grumbled response, the redheaded woman turns to Yuu. Her smile turning strained as she gets a good look at the first-year student. A part of her filing away the cutting remark of ‘hit by a truck chic’. But she keeps smiling, tilting her head in a questioning manner, “Yuu, are you…sure…you wanna go to class?”

Yuu sighed, taking one arm from supporting Grim to pinch at her nose. Copying the pose Crewel had just done only moments ago.

 Ingrid tried to keep her coo to herself. By the 7, she really behaved like a mini Crewel at times.

“Ms. Oster. I'm fine. This is totally normal, it'd actually be weirder if I didn't go to school. Unless I'm like…dying, there's no reason for me to not deal with my daily burdens while on my period. I just need a painkiller and I'll be good for the day or at least until lunch.”

Ingrid looks from the corner of her eye, taking in Crewel’s upset face before the bicolor-haired man scoffs. He rolls his eyes and turns on his heel, red bottom lace up loafers clicking against the floor.

“I swear, you were born to a damned dystopia. No one should be leaving their home, let alone their bed when bleeding like this!” He threw open the doors of a medicine cabinet roughly, fully stocked with all sorts of pain relievers though most of them were formulated for headaches. Being a teacher was hard enough, being a teacher at Night Raven College was a gauntlet.

Yuu shrugged, managing to catch the potion Crewel had flung at them. They were sure if they hadn't the teacher would have used their ‘decreased hand-eye coordination’ as a reason they shouldn't be in school. Uncorking the bottle, they gulped it down. While the pain was easing, none of the other symptoms did. They still felt awful, bloated, and as the fizzy thick syrup settled in their stomach, nauseous. 

Hearing the small groan Yuu made, Crewel clicked his tongue, “Puppy, I'm serious. Go back to bed, you're not well.” His stern tone dipped into worry on his last word, expression changed from angry to concerned as he walked closer to them.

Yuu waves not only him but Ingrid off, breathing evenly to get their body back in check, “I'll be fine…period never stopped me before, no reason for it to stop me now…” they sighed, letting Ingrid press a hand to their forehead briefly.

“...” Ingrid hummed, pulling her hand away to instead pick and straighten Yuu's uniform, “They don't have a fever…and they did manage to walk all the way up here. She might be okay to stay, Crewel…”

“Ha!” Yuu smiled at Crewel, “Get outvoted, bitch.”

“You wanna stay for classes!? Fine!?” Crewel slapped his crop in his hand out of frustration, growling under his breath before waving the crop as he walked, “Well then hurry up, puppy. Follow me to class. You're lucky it's a joint class day. Homeroom and potions will just be lectures.”

Even though Grim groaned in their arms, complaining about how boring just sitting was going to be, Yuu was pleased, “Perfect. I don't have the beans to actually measure shit out right now.”

“Amazing. It sounds like you shouldn't have come to classes.”

Ingrid chuckles, waving the two away as they leave the room, still nipping comments at each other in annoyance. Once she was sure they were gone, she whipped out her phone. Typing furiously into the teachers' chat room. If Yuu was going to be on campus, she needed to make sure Hui-Yan kept a certain someone in Diasomnia for as long as possible.

Yuu and Crewel walked into the room, the teacher lightly shoving Yuu toward their seat, “Sit. And if I see blood on the chair when you leave, I'm dragging you back to Ramshackle.”

Their response was to quickly flip Crewel off, rushing over to their seat when the teacher raised his crop in a threatening manner. Sitting down, they nod their head in a greeting to their friends before placing Grim on the tabletop, “Sup?”

Ace and Deuce were staring wide-eyed, each leaning on the table in an effort to get a clear view of them. The duo looked at each other, then both looked across the room to Jack and Epel. Jack carrying a pinched expression, the look of guilt just barely coming across as Epel ogled aghast. The purple-haired boy gestured as subtly as he could, not wanting to call attention to himself as Crewel started to write on the board.

Deuce cleared his throat, hesitantly nudging his arm against Yuu's, “Yuu…do you really wanna be here right now? With everything going on?”

“Do you wanna die, Deuce?”

“...” The spade card soldier shared a fearful glance with Ace before answering, “No…?”

“Yeah, but you're gonna do it one day anyway. That's how I'm doing right now, so don't talk to me.”

Ace winches, tilting his head in confusion, “ If you don't feel well why didn't you just stay home?”

“Ace, I don't…wanna speak. I don't feel good. Just leave me alone and we can all get through today with our bones.”

The Heartslabyul duo clearly wanted to say something else, hoping to wear down their friend into going home. But the resting bitch face was stronger than normal, and neither wanted to test if Yuu was willing to actually attack them during class. So instead they sat quietly, taking their time to send messages with the other first years across the room.

Throughout the class, Yuu's glare only got worse. A headache almost forming from just how strained their facial muscles were. Crewel snapping his crop more than normal wasn't helping either. The professor kept dead stopping in his lecture to demand the attention of the class. Yuu didn't hear anything that would normally call his ire. Sparing a glance around the room, they noticed a few beastmen quickly look away from their eyes.

Yuu managed to make eye contact with one, the canine beastman jumping up from his seat, seeming to ready himself to vault over the table.

“SIT DOWN!” The crop hit Crewel’s desk so hard Yuu was afraid that the poor wand would just snap in half at some point.

The yell was enough to send the beastman crashing back into his seat. The Ignihyde student blushing furiously as he tried to curl away from the view of his classmates.

The class settled into an uncomfortable silence, Crewel grumbling before he turned back around to aggressively write on the chalkboard, the chalk squeaking harshly with each swipe.

Yuu sighs, gathering an already snoozing Grim into their arms and using him as a mock pillow. Laying their head down, they closed their eyes and welcomed the half nap that quickly took them over.

If coming to classes was a ‘bad idea’, going PE was a horrible, shitty idea. Yuu had only gotten into their uniform by the grace of the Seven and however many other icons decided to help. The fact they'd need to change again after class only made their stomach churn.

By the time they walked out to the field, they were the last one to line up. Jack sends them a glance but straightens up as their teachers call for their attention.

Vargas boomed out a laugh, “Now that you’re all here, let’s get those muscles primed and trained! Let’s do some quick stretches then you’ll pick which training to do today. Either endurance training with me or strength training with Professor Dubhghall.”

Iomhar Dubhghall was a tall, quiet man. From afar he looked like an average person, but standing closer, you saw just how large the man was, broad-shouldered and long-limbed. While he did teach physical education like Vargas, he spent most of his time focusing on a sparring-centered class that was only open to the 3rd-years. Yuu had met him only a handful of times, delivering staff handouts in Crowley's place was the only real way their paths crossed. He rarely spoke but Yuu had the impression he was pleased enough with her. He had once called her back during a delivery to teach her a few moves on a practice dummy before sending her on her way.

Yuu didn’t mind the other gym teacher, she kind of preferred his quiet judgment over Vargas’ bombastic demands to ‘build muscle’. Overall, a more balanced teacher.

Sadly, neither PE activity was high on their list to do. They groaned and grumbled through the stretches, Jack muttering back to them that the stretches were almost over, to hold on for just a bit longer. Touching their toes made their stomach roll, having to swallow down what they feared really was vomit. Once the warm-ups were done, Yuu groaned, sitting down on the ground as the other students quickly divided themselves among the activities.

Epel tried to walk closer, a nervous expression on his face before he was called back from one side of the field. Someone obviously taunting him about not being brave enough to spar. The Pomefiore first-year growled, looking at Jack before the two of them nodded, Epel running after the student who mocked him. Instead of picking an activity, Jack stood vigilant beside their seated form, eyes scanning the crowd. Every now and again, he’d growl or increase his glare in a direction.

Ace and Deuce ran around the track, Grim hot on their ankles as they would look over every time they passed her. The Heartslabyul duo checking on her in their own way.

Vargas looks from the side, opening his mouth to call Yuu over, only to stop at a firm hand resting on his shoulder. Iomhar didn’t turn to face Vargas’ confused glance, only shaking his head. Vargas huffed, folding his arms but not calling out to Yuu, “I don’t see why she should be allowed to sit out…If she had the energy to come to class, she’s got the energy to build her muscle.”

Iomhar shook his head again, “Just because she had the will to get to the mountain doesn’t mean she has the might to climb it. Not today at least…”

“What does today have anything to do with it?”

“...” The other teacher looked at Vargas with an exasperated look, “Do you not check your phone?” 

Yuu sat silently, hands gripping and ripping into the grass in a method to distract themselves. Luckily, Jack kept his strange guard around her. The Savanaclaw student every now and again rushing around to grab and offer Yuu a cold water bottle that she would only accept half the time. Mid swallow, a familiar Heartslabyul student walked closer, ears pinned back as Jack growled at the cat beastmen.

“Jack…Calm down.” Yuu titled their head at the Heartslabyul beastman, questioning glare just a bit fiercer than necessary, “What do you want?”

“...” The cat beastman suddenly got nervous, shuffling his feet and looking down before breathing out, “We made you something…Come see?”

“...I guess?” Yuu groans, standing to their feet and sighing, “What’s this thing?”

The student perks up, gesturing behind him to the bleachers, “It’s under there! Me and some others worked hard on it so it’d be extra comfortable for you.” A beat of silence passes before the beastman steps closer, “Do you need me to carry you?”

Fuck no? That was what Yuu was going to say. Instead, they had to force down a gag as they felt themselves being scooped up and jostled into large firm arms. Once the nausea faded they realized they were in Jack’s arms. Their Savanaclaw friend glaring daggers at the shorter student.

“I’ll carry them. Just lead the way…” Jack looks at their bewildered face, ears pinning back in embarrassment, “Sorry…Should've asked…”

“You shouldn’t have in the first place.”

Jack hummed in what had better be agreement, following the jittery Heartslabyul student behind the bleachers. When they arrived, Yuu still wasn’t sure what they were supposed to be looking at. On the ground, protected from the dirt by a tarp, was a pile of fabrics. It looked like a mess of school uniforms all piled together and formed to give it a side so that someone could lay lounge style. Looking longer. Yuu noticed a few pieces of clothing that belonged to her friends. Epel’s ruffled dress shirt, Ace’s tie with a playing card tucked into the back folds, and what seemed to be Deuce’s track hoodie.

Silence passed, until Yuu spoke up, “What the fuck am I looking at?”

The group all deflates, turning to start whispering to each other. ‘They don’t like it.’ ‘I told you we should have put food nearby!’. ‘We didn’t get enough of their friends' stuff…’

“No, don’t ignore me, tell me what the fuck I’m looking at!”

Jack huffed but didn’t demand an answer either. Readjusting them in his arms before turning away with a mutter of, “Pitiful…” Exiting the bleachers as the group of beastmen start to mobilize again.

“I’ll go grab snacks!” “You! Go grab some blankets and pillows from your dorm!”

“How did I not think of it!? Pomefiore is a haven of proper materials!”

Yuu scowled, upset from still being unanswered, “Jack. What in the green eyes of the thorn fairy was that bullshit?”

Jack glanced away, ears pinning back as a conflicted expression crossed his face, “...” He opened his mouth.

“Jack. If you tell me something along the lines of, ‘I smell like a lady’ again…something…will happen to both of us…”

And his mouth snapped shut, the clinking of his teeth being the only noise he made. Reaching back to their plot of free space, Jack moves to place Yuu back on the ground.

“No.”

“Alright…” Jack stood up straight, keeping Yuu in his arms. Eyes scanning the surrounding area for various “dangers”.

From the side, Vargas looked up from his phone and groaned, “Iomhar, look at this! They’re not even sitting anymore! Howl’s carrying them around. I’ve had plenty of muscle cramps in my life, this can’t be as bad as everyone is claiming it is.”

Iomhar again shook his head, “Yuu’s already primed to fight anyone they please. It’s even more so now and I don’t believe any fondness they hold will keep them from actually trying to hurt someone…So if they attack you, I’m not pulling them off of your neck.”

“Phhht. I doubt they’d be able to reach my gloriously robust neck. Don’t tell me you’re afraid of fighting Little Ramshackle?”

“I don’t fight children, Vargas. I at most spar with them, and at least, train them.”

“Oh, and I assume flipping the Schoenheit boy three times in one match was sparring.”

“It was. It was in the ring and everything.”

Yuu glared at her friends, Grim held firmly in her arms, “Literally…All of you?”

Epel smiled, a bead of sweat just barely rolling down his temple as he tried to steady a clearly distressed Sebek who was clawing at the hallway wall in a bent-over position, “Sorry…Sebek’s really not feeling well. Ace, Deuce, and Jack are helping me since Diasomnia gives me the creeps. We’ll try to be back by lunch! To keep you company!”

Yuu shook her head, walking past the group of nervous boys, “Don’t worry about it. Take little bitch boy Sebek back to Diasomnia. I’ll…take notes or something I don’t know…”

Deuce spoke up, nervously rubbing the back of his head, “Do you…wanna come with us-”

“NO!” Sebek jumps up from his huddled position, the panic clear in his expression as though Deuce just suggested they all go line up to punch Malleus in the face. He realized his outburst, turning to Yuu with a fearful expression, “Uh…I mean…Please don’t come to Diasomnia.”

“...” Yuu blinked before shaking her head and walking into Trien’s room. Whatever was going on today with everyone was something she did not have the bones nor spoons to try to figure out.

The potion had started to fade, already feeling the tightening pressure doing nothing to help their rolling empty stomach. Their mood had also not gotten any better. For the rest of gym class, the same beastmen students had continuously called Jack to carry them back behind the bleachers and show off increasingly elaborate piles of fabric. They still refused to just tell them what the fuck the mess was supposed to be, only growing more determined to ‘get it right’. But when they had failed by the end of the class, they had actually apologized to them profusely and wished them luck before rushing off to their own classes.

So, by Night Raven boy standards, very fucking weird.

Yuu should have asked at least one of her friends to stay behind in class with them. One of them to act as a buffer against the wide-eyed stares of various first and second-year students who possibly hadn’t seen them yet today. She clicks her tongue, looking around the room and breathing a sigh of relief seeing Ruggie. The hyena beastman had a half-eaten donut shoved in his mouth, slowly chewing to make it disappear, and rifling through his beaten-up bag. And just her luck the seat next to him was empty.

They sat, letting Grim crawl out of their arms and getting comfortable, as much as they could with the cramps slowly returning and the feeling of a moist hand towel against their pussy, “Hey Ruggie.”

“Hey-Hold the fuck on…” Ruggie whips around, looking at them as though they were back from the dead. The hyena leaned closer to them, sniffling deeply before pulling back so hard he almost tipped out of his seat, “By the seven, are you okay!?”

Grim gave Yuu a nervous glance, waving a paw as he tried to warn Ruggie to calm down his concern, “Uh…Hey listen-”

“Ruggie, do you wanna be okay?”

“...” The Savanaclaw sophomore actually looked down, seeming to weigh his options before he looked up and nodded, “Yeah?”

“Okay, then I’m gonna need something from you.”

“Sure! What ya need? You want some water? I think I got a bottle left, hell just take the one I had too. You must be hungry, you’ve probably been working hard all day. Let me see if I got anything in here to eat-”

“Ruggie.” Once Yuu was certain they had his attention, they motioned him to lean closer again. He did, though he looked mildly reluctant to do so. Once he was close enough, Yuu gripped him by the collar and pulled him even closer to whisper, “I want you to shut the fuck up. Just…Just shut the fuck up for the whole class. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes.”

“Less intensity.”

“Yeah, I can do that…Do you want the water though?”

“...” Yuu sighed. Maybe water would help their growing nausea, “Fine. And a sucker if you got it.”

Ruggie turned and searched through his bag, quickly pulling out a fresh water bottle and a handful of brightly colored suckers to dump on the table, “Here you go. Made them myself. The yellow ones are lemon; you like lemon right-”

“Ruggie.”

“Sorry.” The hyena raised his hands, scooting away as much as he could without pressing against the other student beside him.

The joint history class was passing by. That being the best way Yuu could describe it. Trein’s dry voice, while being the dullest kind of ASMR, was a calming effect to Yuu's thoughts. While it was history here, Yuu couldn't help but hear the lecture as a very detailed fairytale being read aloud in a fancy library. She could feel herself finally relaxing, stomach being only slightly appeased by the sweet-flavored lemon suckers.

If she had bothered to look around, Yuu would have noticed how the beastmen around her were finally calming too. The clearly distressed mood from the Ramshackle prefect doing more damage than she thought it would have.

But the peace was broken, just as Yuu crunched down on their second sucker, the cracking being more audible than they were expecting. But seeing how Trein didn't stop speaking or even turn to them, they grabbed another sucker and started to open it-

“Sensei? Is Ramshackle supposed to be eating?”

It was like time had frozen. Trein’s writing had stopped abruptly, the chalk in hand snapping off in his tightened grip. Every beastman nearly stopped breathing, turning to glare at the Scarabia student who had spoken up.

Ruggie turned to Yuu, opening his mouth to tell them to not mind the student, they could keep eating their sucker. Only to jump back as Yuu stood up, slamming their hands on the table.

Trein felt his face pinch, watching Yuu gather up the half-empty water bottle and numerous unopened suckers. He sighed as Yuu walked toward the small wastebasket by the door, “Yuu, you don’t need to-”

“No, it’s fine!” Yuu shrugged in an almost frantic motion, slamming the water bottle into the wastebasket hard enough the poor plastic bowl had nearly tipped over, “It’s fine. I just can’t fucking have anything!” They had moved onto the suckers, whipping each one into the basket with enough force that everyone was able to hear the candy being broken on impact, “It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine!” At the end, they simply threw all of the suckers into the trash.

The room remained silent, waiting in bated breath as Yuu stomped back to their seat, ignoring the concerned looks from Grim and Ruggie. Without saying anything, Ruggie slipped his hand into Yuu’s, holding it firmly as a form of silent support. They looked over, expression clear that they were not pleased, but didn’t pull their hand away.

Trein looked over his class. The beastmen not close to Yuu were spending their energy glaring at the student who had spoken up, those closer were trying to subtly pass items to Bucchi. Hidden juice packs, different candies, savory snacks. All things that were forbidden in his classroom besides a Pomefiore beastmen trying to hand over his gallon-sized personalized water bottle. He sighed. If he had the time to properly speak, he would have told the student to pay attention to the lesson and not his classmates sitting silently, minding their own business.

Sighing, he turned back to the board, grabbing a fresh piece of chalk, “Now…as I was saying…”

The lesson continued on, the air clearly tense as Yuu started to tap on their table in an increasingly aggressive manner.

 Trein turns to the class, “Can anyone tell me what was the tactic used in the battle against invaders of the East Kingdom?” Seeing no one raising their hand, he unfortunately fell back on muscle memory. Yuu had shown great promise in his class, excitedly asking questions about historical events and even reading text for the second or third-year classes on their own time. So it didn't occur to him that calling on them in their current state was not the right move to make, “Yuu? Would you care to enlighten the class?”

“...” Yuu stood from their seat, leaving behind a confused Grim and Ruggie, and walked out of the room. The door slamming hard behind them and rattling the surrounding frames.

…

Trein sighed, turning back to the chalkboard and continued writing, “Does anyone have the answer?”

The botanical gardens were always pleasant. Perfect temperature no matter the season, full of fresh smelling air. Even when the magical dome had its annual rainshower, Yuu wasn't above gathering their friends and sitting under a tree to chat in the sprinkle. Which is probably why the gardens were the first place their legs took them.

Just where he normally was, Leona laid down with his arms folded under his head in a relaxed pose. The third-year napping peacefully in his patch of overgrown grass. She sat beside Leona, moving to stretch her back as she did during gym.

Leona’s eyes snap open after a few beats of silence. He sat up on his elbows, looking at Yuu with wide eyes, “...” He tilted his head, eyes flickering to their lower body, “Are you okay?”

Yuu sat up, winding back their fist and punched Leona directly in the chest.

“AUH! You little-” Leona had pulled his hand back, fully prepared to backhand Yuu in retaliation before he paused. Taking in Yuu's face, he noted how pathetic they looked even though they were glaring at him. He groaned and clenched his hand tightly. Having to remember his key reasons for not just striking back the non-magical student at every sucker punch Yuu managed to land on him. ‘They were younger than him’. ‘They didn’t have magic’. ‘They knew better than to just hit him, so they clearly want him to do something’. He breathed in, putting his hand back down and raising an eyebrow at the angry scowl on Yuu’s face, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with everyone else!?” Yuu waved their arms around, as though Leona could see the examples all around them, “This whole fucking day, everyone’s been acting so weird! Jack was basically a fucking bodyguard for me during gym! Hell, Ruggie was almost trying to hand-feed me during history!”

Leona mumbled under his breath, realizing just how late in the day it had become, “Fuck, I overslept…”

“Plus, like, I think every beastman is acting like I’m about to explode if they don’t treat me like the most delicate little flower.” Yuu turned to Leona, confusion easily bleeding into their scowl, “Like, what the fuck is going on today!?”

“...” Leona points to between Yuu’s legs, nose wrinkling as he sniffles the air softly “What’s happening down there?”

“I’m on my period…”

“Yeah, because I clearly know what the hell that is, Feral.”

Yuu groans out, the force of it almost making them slump over before they snap back up, “I’m bleeding out my pussy. Don’t freak out, it’s normal for me,”

Leona brought his fingers to his temple, sighing, “Yeah, that’ll do it…”

“Do what!?”

“Send everyone into a fucking panic. You smell like you’re in active labor…” Leona suddenly looked at them from the corner of his eyes, “You aren’t, right? If that lizard actually knocked you up while you’re still in school-”

“I’m not pregnant! This is literally happening because I’m not pregnant!”

Leona leaned away, doing his best to not roll his eyes, “Okay. By the seven…I'm just saying if he did, you can sue him over that.”

“Leona, I'm not suing my boyfriend just because you've got some kinda one-sided blood feud with him.”

“One; it's not one-sided. Two; it's sound legal advice. You two had a binding agreement and if he broke it you have right to-”

“Words can not express how much I want you to shut the fuck up…”

Leaning back, Leona scoffed. Arms going back to their folded position as he reclined on the grass, eyes closing, “Fine. Get fucked over for all I care…” After a beat of silence, he sighs out, cracking an eye to look at Yuu, “What happened? You're supposed to be in history. You're a little goody for Trein normally.”

“...” Yuu sighs, taking the standing silent invitation and laying down beside Leona, hands folded over the growingly tense muscles of their pelvis, “It's just been…a lot today. I can normally handle my period just fine but…” 

The following silence quickly sombered their conversation. Leona gave Yuu his full attention, raising an eyebrow as a silent gesture for Yuu to continue. His concern almost showing on his face when they don’t respond to him, “Yuu-”

“YUU!?”

Leona’s ears press against his head at the yell echoing in the garden. He grumbles under his breath and sits up again, sniffing in the direction of the yell before calling out, “Stop making so much noise. We’re over here.”

Ruggie comes rushing around the corner, Grim just barely hanging onto him from his shoulder. In his arms were blankets and multiple kinds of snacks and drinks, “There you are! Are you ok? Ya hungry? I got some cold juice on the way over here. Leona, how's it looking? Are the contractions far apart still?”

… Yuu rolls over to fully press their face into the ground, frustrated screaming slowly growing in volume as they banged their fists against the grass. Ruggie had attempted to rush over, dropping the bundle in his arms only to be stopped by Leona’s outstretched hand.

“Calm down, she’s not pregnant. Just being a little bitch.”

“Wait, what?”

The screaming had died down, Ruggie and Leona speaking in quick mumbles to each other. Grim slipped off of Ruggie’s shoulder, cautiously nudging at Yuu’s prone arm.

“Hold on…this is normal?”

Leona shrugs, running a hand through his hair as he sighed, “I’m guessing from how pissed they’re being about people worrying over them…” His green eyes looked over Ruggie, noting his empty arms before he scowled, “And where’s my lunch?”

Ruggie rolls his eyes, clicking his tongue and picking at the collar of his too-big button-up, “Well, forgive me for being more worried about the potentially pregnant person about to pop out a baby to get you a damn sandwich…”

“That’s not an excuse to not do your job-”

Grim whined, pushing against Yuu’s arm even harder than before, “Yuuuuuu! Come on, henchman, I'm hungry! Don’t you wanna go get lunch-”

“NO!” Yuu snaps up, their yelling sending Grim rolling away from them and scrambling to hide behind an equally stunned Leona and Ruggie, “No! I wanna take a shit and die. Just fucking pass away from the mortal coil!”

“Yuu-”

“It shouldn’t be this fucking hard!” Yuu pulled themselves up from the ground, kneeling as they look at their hands, trying to find the answers to their boiling-over questions and concerns, “It’s normal! It’s fucking basic as fuck for me normally! Periods shouldn’t be this hard, things shouldn’t be this hard!”

Ruggie and Leona share a look with each other, the second-year trying to step closer, “Hey, bud, it’s okay-”

“IT’S NOT RUGGIE, AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM!” Yuu was almost shaking from the force of their welling emotions, “Everyone is acting like something’s wrong! And that has never happened to me past just ‘Oh fuck, your period started? You need a tampon?’ And that’s it! Like, I knew things were different here, obviously. But I don’t think about it, you know? But now I am because everyone is acting weird when it’s just my period, it's not a big deal! But it is a big deal here! A lot of shit is a big deal here. And I'm thinking about where I came from a lot now and holy shit, I'm never gonna see those people or places again. And I'm okay with that! But, oh my fucking God, I am craving comforts and shit that I'm never going to have again. And I'm spiraling thinking about the few things I do regret and how I'm never gonna be able to fix them, I won't even get to try! Does anyone even know I'm gone? Did anyone care? I'm in a place where I don't actually exist, bleeding out my pussy with basically no support, and I'm realizing I have never felt more alone.”

The only sound was Yuu’s harsh breathing, the magicless human trying to take deep breaths to calm her rolling stomach and fight against the tears threatening to spill. The three males all shared a look, having a silent conversation with a series of eyebrow raises and glares. In the end Leona sighed, leaning over to place a hand on Yuu’s shoulder.

“Oi…Feral…You okay?”

“...Yeah…” Yuu’s face pinches up, a single sound of struggle slipping out as she shook her head, “No…” Turning, she dry heaved into the grass.

“Oh, by the Seven…” Leona moved, reaching over and pulling Yuu’s hair back in time for them to let out a wet-sounding retch that finally brought up a bit of watery bile. He held their hair, silently directing Ruggie to wrap up the food items in one of the many blankets. He only looked back to Yuu once the vomiting had stopped, helping them to sit up, “Feel better now?”

Yuu looked at Leona, tears clear in their eyes and quickly losing the fight to not cry. They shake their head again, tilting it down as they whimper, “I wanna go home…”

“Alright…” Leona slips his arms around Yuu’s body, easily scooping the smaller into his hold and cradling them close, “You shoulda stayed home in the first place…”

“Shut up…”

Leona looks to Ruggie, using one of his hands to grip the makeshift bag of treats, “Watch the weasel, I'm taking them home.” He made his way out of the garden, calling over his shoulder, “And you better have my lunch by the time I’m back!”

Ruggie sighed, sharing a look with Grim before he gave a disgusted look to the puddle of vomit on the ground, “I should find a hose or something to clean this up…smells awful-”

“Uh…Ruggie?” Once Grim was sure he had the hyena’s attention he pointed a paw to the top of the greenhouse dome, noting the fast-rolling dark clouds, sparks of green lightning seen inside them, “Should we be worried about that…?”

“...Fuck…”

“Cozy?” Leona pulled away, making sure Yuu was completely covered by the blanket. The prefect was curled up on the couch, sniffling and getting themselves fully comfortable before nodding their head, “Good.” Leona pulled a basket closer, the snacks Ruggie had gathered filling it almost to the top as he offered a juice box to them.

Yuu took the box, the tops of their arms leaving the warmth of the blankets to open the drink. Sipping once from the tiny straw, before speaking, “Thank you…”

“Yeah, yeah. You owe me for this. Coming to school when you were basically sick and then throwing a tantrum like that…you know better, Feral.” but looking at Yuu's pitiful face, he felt his own frown soften. Kneeling down, he pets at Yuu's head, subtly checking for a fever, “...Are you gonna be alright alone?” he asked it so softly Yuu almost missed it.

They smile, sniffling and wiping at their eyes, “Yeah…I think I just need a good cry…if it gets bad, I'll call someone. Promise.”

He nods his head, standing up and walking to the doorway of the lounge, “On or off?” At Yuu's soft call of ‘off’, he flipped the light switch. With the room in darkness, Leona gave one last grunt of goodbye, walking away as he heard Yuu's silent crying turn to choked-back sobs.

Outside of Ramshackle, he noted the shift in weather. The clouds he had noticed on the walk in had completely taken over the sky, still rolling like the bubbles of an overheating potion. And as he stepped onto the path leading away from the building, he saw a growing spark of green lightning. The lights crackling and seeming to follow the path of something, or rather someone walking in the direction to Ramshackle.

Leona sighs, shoving his hands in his pockets and walking forward. Seems like he'd have to be the one to talk to Malleus…

[genderqueerdykes]

Hello, I’ve got a long winded request for advise that I’d like to ask from you (if you’ll give me a year in advance to ramble lol).

Would just like to state first off that this was something I spent half an hour on cycling between the thoughts of “this is horribly offensive” and “who better to ask” due to some of your posts and because I commonly enjoy and trust your opinions to be at least honest. I know you aren’t obligated to answer this ask but I’d really appreciate it even if it’s simply just a “AITA?” “YTH” situation.

I’ve had an issue recently where I am being ridiculed for making choices for my body and its appearance. The choice is losing weight. I’ve lived my entire life so far as a fat person, for the last 13 or so years I was well above the “class 3 obesity” threshold, right now I’m sitting in the low end of the first class. I don’t really like it, but when I was in the overweight category (I haven’t been an average weight since I was 5, a little more on that later) I got told that by losing weight I was being inherently fatphobic and making other fat people uncomfortable.

I know dieting and the likes can be an uncomfortable topic in general but I never brought it up except for rare mentions of my weight loss, mostly because I was proud of my progress. I’m not wanting to be “thin, “skinny,” whatever etc etc, I would just like to be in the middle of the average category with some visible muscle mass. I was shamed so much that I put myself back up into the obese category, and I’m all for body positivity but it’s not working for me when I know what I want my body to look like. I’m neutral on my body and its functions in general but I’m uncomfortable with the gain I didn’t want and the knowledge that I was on my way to a point of comfort.

As I said before, I haven’t been an average weight since I was 5. That’s because I developed severe binge eating disorder due to trauma. My weight gain was uncontrollable and made me uncomfortable for over a decade. Now that I have some control and a sense of body neutrality, I would like to lose what I gained from my disorder. Not all of it ofc, I’m an adult now and I want a healthy adult body, but I want to be able to make the choices and changes to put my body back into the average weight that I feel was “stolen” from me.

I suppose those thoughts could be considered fatphobic from a certain viewpoint but to me my binge eating disorder and obesity are/were things that I feel the need to heal from. I don’t have these thoughts about anyone else. I don’t want anyone to lose weight if they don’t want to. I love fat bodies. I just want to have the choice to lose weight myself without being considered a bad person.

Do these thoughts and feelings make me a bad/fatphobic person? Does losing weight make me a bad/fatphobic person? I genuinely just want what I believe is best for my body.

Thank you for your time. Stay well.

i have a lot of feelings on this sort of topic, so i appreciate you sending an ask like this, because it's one of the most nuanced, complicated discussions i've tried to have with people recently and a lot of people do not understand the distinction. i'm going to try to break this down to have it make sense to as many people as possible

first of all, people have the right to choose what weight they want their body to be at, so long as it's not causing genuine harm, especially permanent harm. losing weight is not inherently evil, the thing is, a lot of people either need to lose weight or choose to do so for good reasons. i was very heavy at one point, 360 lbs, and i was starting to get new pain i hadn't experienced before. it was hard to stand for any period of time. i couldn't walk much.

after i started walking around the neighborhood and losing that extra weight, that pain went away. i feel a lot better having less of that weight on me. i gained weight in a very unhealthy manner during this time, mostly by not eating well for my dietary needs, sleeping excessively, no exercise, and so on. the thing is that we have to take care of our total health and not everyone who is fat is unhealthy, but some people can and do put on weight that impairs their functioning or health and it's not good to ignore that this is a thing that can and does happen

you're allowed to decide what you feel your body should look like especially if you are not taking this to extremes. i like to keep my weight below a certain range, myself. i keep a close eye on it. fortunately it's easy to stay around a certain healthy range for my body because i cook a lot of meals at home and i mostly eat vegetarian food and fish due to allergies and digestive issues. i'm still about 311 lbs but it's in a much healthier configuration for my body

weight is a complex conversation. both thin and fat bodies are stigmatized. we need to drop our obsession with body image and let people be the arbiters of their own weight, at least, letting people express what they want and helping them reduce harm and find ways to achieve that goal realistically in a healthy manner. shaming people doesn't work. we've proven this decade after decade. shaming skinny people doesn't work. shaming fat people doesn't work. shaming anyone doesn't work

dieting is a very specific thing. everyone's diet is 100% unique to their body. your digestive system works different than the person next to you's. you may not metabolize nutrients as well as someone else. you may process fats and proteins differently. you may need a lot of electrolytes. you may not be able to digest fiber. you may struggle with fructose, glucose and other sugars. you may not be able to eat any meats at all. you may need lots of fruits. it will depend greatly on who you are

it's best to work with your body than against it. you are allowed to decide what weight range you want to be within. best thing you can do is attempt an elimination diet to see if there are foods that just don't do your body any favors, these can and should be done very slowly with one food at a time. but i'm not a health professional, so that's just a suggestion.

either way good luck, i don't like when people try to boil this down to "this is good" or "This is bad". there are good and bad things to all of this. it's worth discussing both sides of that. i hope this helped you in any way

[k-s-morgan]

TGSTLTH related

Ok so I decided to do it here cuz I don't know will AO3 allow me to write essay hahahahah 😂😂😂

I don't even know how to start this. I've been reading fics for 13 years straight, like I don't remember the period of my life where I didn't read them cuz I always have some ship active and I'm crazy BL fan. Only a small number of them can make me crazy to the point I don't wanna sleep, eat, skipping my obligations, killing the pain and your sebaciel did everything. I haven't felt like this reading fic..,maybe ever? This is totally another level of me being fascinated by some writer.

I adore sebaciel, I'm in fandom since 2016 but the biggest problem I had with their fics is that - either people go too much OOC with them orr they rush up the things between them, going quickly with sex and feelings. It bothered me so much so I was crawling for good SC fics as crazy!!

After some break with SC, I came back to ao3 and saw your long fic. I started reading it but I dropped it after 3 chapters, I got bored cuz I thought you are gonna just re-type manga and do classic thing which another people do. Quickly, I got disappointed with another one and idk how but I decided to give your fic one more chance and dear lord......that was one of the best thing I have ever read. Maybe even the best.

Like, how smart are you? What's your IQ? Your manage to explain me some things about Kuro plot which I haven't udnerstand by myself. And the way you write Sebaciel relationship. That's everything I have ever wanted. Everything. They have normal conversation and that's it, that's all I need cuz there is everything. I feel electric every time when they talk, fight, do things together, goood the little touches svbjhsdjvbvbvbvbvbsdjvhbdf. I was tense whole fic. I read it for like 10 days, abandon everything until I finished it and now I feel sad ahahhaahha. But you are really something special, cuz I always used to say that manga itself is the best fiction cuz Yana knows the best how to create good Sebaciel energy. You, next to Yana, did the best job. You kept them as they are, never broke the character, and that's what I am most grateful. Slow burn, with drama and angst, love and attention, all misunderstanding, you put all necessary spices for 5 star meal. My fav part is when Ciel told Sebastian to add slamming doors to his most dramatic moments of his life ahahahahahahhaha 😂😂 I laughed like crazy, they are so precious♥ And I really wanted kiss to happen when Ciel lied Sebastian about another demon, that was sooo svbjhsvjhjhvbdf. But okay, you know the best, I trust you fully with this♥

The fact that they are ready to kill each other before they have normal conversation about their feeling is my fetish. I am in love with toxic things. Ciel ready to throw all game just to prove Sebastian that his value is not only his soul, right after he told himself for 1000 times he needs to stay on distance..... I LOVE ITTTT!!! I also need to say that you find PERFECT balance for good plot and romance. Your games and their cases...I just don't know, deep bow for you queen🔥💯After all, you didn't retype drama ahahaha but you manage to keep it canon without changing anything but still adding your spices so it's not ordinary Kuro plot we see every day....

I just have one question. From time to time, I was like a Bard ahahhaha, so sick of their games and my head hurting me, but on a good way. I am clear about Ciel but what about Sebastian and his disgust for Ciel's nicer, soft, emotional side? I know Ciel doesn't have it a lot, but would Sebastian still be grossed out about it as he was at the beginning of a contract or not? Keeping in mind that he is more and more obsessed with a boy?

So, that's all. I don't know how to use Patreon/PayPal, but for you I'll try cuz I only have credit card and that's all I know ahhahaha, I like to keep money in my hands😂 I'm sad about the situation in your country and all under - war countries. It's not bringing any good for anyone, specially for civilians. I hope you are okay and I wish you alll the best, the good karma must hit you really quickly cuz you made one person really, really happy here♥

Looking forward how will you finish this story, have a nice day❤

PS - this is the longest comment for fic I have ever left ahhaha, it's crazy how you got me sooo hyped up bjcvsdghvbds.

Hi! Ooh, thank you so much for your amazing, wonderful essay! I can't tell you how happy it made me! I think the electricity was already started being cut off when I got it, so I could see I have some really lengthy ask, but it wouldn't load. It was the torture of the most delicious kind :D

Like you, I've been reading fics for ages now, and the moments where I find some fantastic story that won't let me sleep or work or even blink are always the happiest and the brightest spots I remember. So it's extremely flattering to know that my story has become something similar to other people.

I love writing about smart characters, but most of them are definitely smarter than me! The benefit is that since I'm writing, I can think and plan everything in advance. In real life, I only wish I were as quick-witted and inventive. Alas, the best ideas and arguments come to me when they are no longer needed.

I love slow burns, and I love characters who abhor the idea of expressing their feelings, so Ciel and Sebastian have the most perfect dynamic in my eyes. I feel like I could spend the eternity just enjoying their Gothic world with their games, arguments, plots, and so on. Them antagonizing each other only to instantly team up against the common enemy is my most favorite thing in the world.

As for your question, right now, Sebastian would be thrilled if Ciel were to show a softer and more vulnerable side - at least in relation to him. Well, a part of him would feel the automatic need to mock him for it anyway, some habits don't die easily, but Sebastian's feelings have evolved a lot, plus Ciel is cold more often than he is not. So Sebastian treasures every word of praise, every hint of appreciation and need because they are so rare - he's come to crave them, and he has memorized all known cases of them by heart.

And no worries about supporting me! I really appreciate you taking your time to leave such a fantastic review, it made my day!

[respectthepetty]

ALERT ALERT!!! TAIWAN REQUEST ASK INCOMING!!!

Please can you recommend to me your top 5 Taiwan BLs? I saw you posting about a few and wanted to know when you would recommend please?! is it always enemies to lovers?

Thank you in advance colour genius!

WHY ARE THESE ASKS ONLY GETTING HARDER?! First, y'all wanted my Top GMMTV actors, then it was Top GMMTV pairs, and now you are coming for my heart and soul with my

Top Five Taiwanese BLs!

That's like making me decide who is my favorite Backstreet Boy (it's Kevin) or telling me to choose my favorite child. I don't have kids, but I feel this is very similar. I love all of them equally for different reasons. Taiwanese BLs are my favorites because they have the best parents, high heat, some (but not all) enemies-to-lovers, and serve domestic bliss, so forcing me to pick between them is painful.

But I'll do it!

However, I'm gonna finesse my way into having more than five, yet still only technically giving you five.

The Ones That Couldn't Be Considered:

First, I will not count HIStory 4: Close to You in this list because it is my favorite BL. Period. It is not fair to these other BLs that they can't be a strategic hot ass mess with the gusto that my beloved HIS 4 had.

Next, Oh No! Here Comes Trouble isn't a BL, so I can't count it, but it was queer to me. I watched it for Your Name Engraved Herein's Tseng Ching-hua, but when Guang Yan said "This comic is not only about my high school life, but also about my heart," their love became canon for me, and I knew I wasn't moving past this show. When I write my book If You Just Don't Wanna Admit It's Queer, That's On You, the masses will see exactly what was there all along.

I can't include Red Balloon because, quite simply, I don't remember it well enough since I watched it when it was released in 2017, but I still feel it in my heart, you know? Edward Chen, the opposite lead in Your Name Engraved Herein, and Jason Tauh of HIStory 5: Love in the Future were the younger leads, so if Gagaoolala brings it back, I'll watch it again to see how they have both evolved.

I can't put my finger on why I won't include DNA Says I Love You, but I think it's because I don't classify it as a BL, yet I don't know why I don't classify it as a BL because it is a BL. It is! But . . . I don't know bruv. Either way, it's slow but good!

See You After Quarantine?'s entire runtime is a little over an hour. That's one episode of a Thai BL! It's cute, quick, and creative, but I cannot use up a spot on an eighty-minute series even though it was good. I'm sorry boys, I'll see you after my Hot Tops!

The Ones That Made the List:

#5 - About Youth

I hate singing, but the songs (and singing) in this series were GOOD, so much so that I still listen to the theme song. The characters (except Ye Guang's shitty parents) were also good, but Ray was my favorite. It was just serious enough to not seem trivial but was still light and enjoyable, and Xu Qi Zhang's mom and pink Converse deserve some appreciation.

#4 - Be Loved in House: I Do

That argument in the street that spilled over into the office the next day is one of my top five fights! In case you haven't watched it, Real got upset because he believed everyone was hiding a relationship from him, so Shi Lei called him out on his hypocrisy since they were basically in a relationship yet hiding it. Real misunderstood, but that made Shi Lei more upset which lead to him screaming at Real in the office asking if he even thought about them as a couple. Then Shi Lei's mother and that coming out scene! AND THE FLOOR SCENE! So many amazing scenes. So little space.

#3 - We Best Love

Although I prefer No. 1 For You, it goes hand-in-hand with Fighting Mr. 2nd, so I'm counting them as one for this list. The second part gave us the office slap heard around the world, and that superb drunken confession, but the first portion really delivered a cohesive story about pseudo enemies-to-lovers that had satisfying pacing and great side characters. The show also had color coding, so if it weren't for the promise of a third season that has yet to be delivered, that time jump and the reasoning for the separation, it would have been No. 1 For Me.

#2 - My Tooth, Your Love

As soon as Jin Xun An said he knew a good therapist, it was over for these other BLs. Jin Xun An is such an adult and does not have time for tomfoolery, which pushed Bai Lang to grow. A majority of BLs openly express that one of the leads is a mess from trauma, yet gives the message that the other person should and will love them regardless. Not this BL! Jin Xun An said he would love Bai Lang through it, but he didn't allow Bai Lang to treat him like poo or make excuses for his behavior while kindly pushing Bai Lang to treat himself as seriously and as gently as Jin Xun An did. Oh, and the side couple was intriguing as well.

#1 - HIStory 3: Trapped & HIStory ?: Freed

You notice how all the other couples on this list are right next to each other, probably holding each other likely in bed? NOT THESE TWO! Mis tóxicos fell in love in the woods while handcuffed to each other after running away from their kidnappers while Kinn was still dating Tawan and Porsche was sexing up customers behind the bar (KinnPorsche). Mis tóxicos were not trusting each other, yet willing to fuck while Dr. Bun was still in the big city and Tan wasn't even on his radar (Manner of Death). I'm not making a comparison; I'm making a statement that this show changed me and what I now crave from other shows. If a man isn't willing to kill for his guy AND possibly kill his guy too, then is it really love? I have demanded for FOUR YEARS that my boy Tang Yi be released, and one of these days, Taiwan will deliver us what we all deserve -

HIStory 15: Freed WHEN?

[thebluntstudent]

FIVE TIPS FOR STUDYING WHEN ILL OR OTHERWISE INCONVENIENCED...

disclaimer: when at all possible, you should always prioritise physical and mental wellbeing over a good grade. If you are seriously ill to the point where it is heavily impeding your capacity to study, you are not fit to take an exam, or write an essay, and I hope your educational institute has measures for exceptional circumstances/extensions/deferrals to allow you to do so! Alas, it isn't always possible to do the ideal thing in life, and that is where my experience comes into play.

°•☆•°

Sometimes you find yourself in a crappy predicament a couple weeks before an essay is due, or an exam is scheduled, and you find yourself slipping further away from the stacl of textbooks on your desk, and closer to the comforts of your bed and the rest you really wish you had the time to make the most of.

Right now, my hormones are currently out of whack in a way that could meaning anything from (the most likely cause) PCOS to perimenopause at 22 to plenty of other less likely possibilities I'd rather not dwell on. This means that sitting up for more than 5-10 minutes in the same position sends my abdomen into spasms and sharp pains, and generally existing hour to hour is a painful, emotional, hot-flush filled experience.

That being said, I have an exam in a few days, and since deferral is not an option for me (this is my last attempt, I can't take any more time off of uni, my last attempt was last year during a period of several losses that occurred on an interruption year I had taken due to burn-out and unresolved trauma sliding into my life- you get where I'm going with the 'sometimes life is a bitch and your general and academic life can't be pretty and pristine' bit) I have been doing my best to balance comfort and productivity in a way that helps me look out for what I need right now whilst still getting in as much revisiom as I'm able to.

So! I thought I'd share my little tips for building a comfy study space when conditions are not ideal but you still gotta keep moving:

• abandon the 'do not study in bed' tip, but only for as long as it helps you as opposed to hindering you. I have tried sittimg up at a desk with pillows and blankets swathing me- and all I get for it is hefty back pain and constant awkward readjustments every time I start heating up or shift around in my seat too much. If you're ill, you aren't doing yourself any good sitting hunched over a desk either- and frankly your sleep is probably going to be buggered until you're feeling better anyways. So, if sitting at a desk is putting you off, prop up some pillows, rest your writing materials on a hard surface (a folder, an A4 hardback- a chopping board works for a cute wannabe lap desk too), and set a zone of your bed aside (or just use a bedside cabinet if you have one) for anything you'll be using fairly often- by which I mean stationary, textbooks you'll be using over the course of the next hour or so- just enough stuff to save you constantly getting up out of your comfy study bubble.

• listen to tesco: every little helps. What I like to do to get myself going when I'm feeling naff- which works also if you're simply having a difficult time focusing yourself for the day- is to do micro pomodoro sessions, where I'll dedicate myself to 5 minutes minimum of focused study. If I really can't bring myself to continue longer than 5 minutes, I'll let myself rest for a little while (up to 20-30 minutes) before getting myself to do another micro session. This may not seem very productive, but you are more likely to do a good hour of work on a bad day when you tell yourself you only need to do little 5 minute sessions, than procrastinating studying because you feel as if you'll have to sit up and focus for a much longer period of time for it to count. Every. Little. Helps. In 5 minutes you can run through a topic of flash cards, do a slide of lecture notes, answer small exam questions, do a page or two of readings- and on a good day, that 5 minutes might turn into 10 with a small break, then 15, then you'll find yourself picking up your regular pace in no time! But again, even 5 minutes, just one little session, is a win when the world is throwing hurdles at you <3

• maximise your comfort: you know the little things that bring you joy, and you don't habe to be rolling in cash to surround yourself with little things to keep you going when all you want to do is sleep. My current comforts are the loyal presence of my cat next to me, a few old blankets I can swaddle myself in to stare at the ceiling when my ovaries are throwing a tantrum, a little variety of teas (currently rocking a chai latte with home bargains vanilla syrup, girl gotta have her sweet relief), a pack of energy drinks, some painkillers, and a little incense tray nearby that I forget to use 70% of the time (though the remaining 30% makes up for that). None of this is in particular mandatory- if it were, the dog people of the world would be doomed. The point is, find your little comforts- an activity you can do from the comfort of your bed like a puzzle, sensory toy or just a book to doodle in, a certain type of drink or snack you really love, some smellies (perfume, incense, candles, wax melts, and so on), supplies for whatever ails you- little personal things to relax you whilst you try to gather your energy.

• Now is not the time to push it. I tend to find the times in which I am most likely to push myself past my limits are the times in whicj something is inhibiting me- the frustration of being bed-bound, fatigued due to chronic conditions, etc tends to make me feel even more than usual that I am not doing enough because of my awareness of my present restrictions. Though this post is about pusning through bad times, you should be doing so with self-compassion, and with the mindset that every little bit you achieve in your current state is a win, a bonus, even if you find yourself unable to work to the same standard as normal. You aren't well- you aren't supposed to be functioning at 100% because your body is only functioning at 50%, and if you want to get back to your regular stressed student self you need to rest! Remember that a slightly lower grade than you were expecting in the short-term is not a reflection on your character, and it's better to *be* better for the long-term than to work yourself into a ditch and burn-out when you are already at a low point.

• If healthy study you is a carefully rehearsed play, then sick study you is a completely improvised show. Don't knock the analogy, even if it is silly and obscure- when I am at my peak, I will time-block my studies, plan to do certain topics on certain days, do 30-5 or 50-10 study sessions, work during a set period from the morning to the mid afternoon.

When I am ill, I do not know when I will be unable to sit up to work. I do not know when I will be able to sleep, to stomach food, to concentrate- so I have to accept that the normal routines that keep me consistent have to be chucked in the bin for the time being. Instead of planning my whole day, I create a vague, rough outline of the next few things I want to get done. This way, I don't feel crushed when I start working on lecture notes and find myself flat out on my back crying 10 minutes later- I just pick up where I left off when I'm ready, and work in increments from there.

°•☆•°

Right now my sleep is a bit fudgy because of night sweats/panics and p a i n, and by building a cosy space and letting my plans adapt to my body's needs I've managed to get 3 hrs of lecture notes, 2 sets of flashcards, and a set of logic practise questkons done over night between 8pm-4:30am. If I had tried to stick to my regular 'good day' study routine, I don't think I would have lasted 15 minutes before giving up and crawling over to youtube with a bowl of white chocolate and a horlicks in hand.

It is this kind of adaptability to external conditions that allowed me to survive an unstable home situation during college that meant weeks without wifi, constantly moving between different homes and constant fear of eviction due to family debts I was too young to do anything about- and allowed me to get into the top university in London* as a working class girly from a council estate.

I was given the opportunity to do an extra year at college for free due to these circumstances and a great support network within the institute to make sure I got into the specific university that I wanted to, and I had to take an interruption after my firdt yesr of university because I am not a super-human, and I knew my limits- but I'm still going, and the time away I've had has paid off and gotten me back to my scrappy, chaotic, passionately nerdy self.

You can be messy and be a good student too- and you can get through the worst of times with a little adaptability, perseverance, a good support network and a little self care ♡

*Times Good University Guide, 2024.

[manjuhitorie]

Interview with Shinoda(Hitorie) - Ongaku to Hito July 2024 Issue - English Translation

Pain, Never to Go Away

Interview by Usami Yasuyo

2024 has brought Hitorie’s 10th year anniversary with it, along with the 5 year milestone of their current regime. The pillar of the band, wowaka, passed away in 2019, leaving the grieving trio to reform the band. Their newest single, “On the Frontline/Senseless Wonder[ReRec]”, features a modern iteration of a song previously written by wowaka, on top of one song written by each member, Yumao (drums), ygarshy (bass) and Shinoda (vocals/guitar) respectively. They are by no means going against the current structure of their band, they are rather stalwart souls in regards to ensuring that nobody forgets Hitorie’s origins. That they want to remain as four forever more—That’s the exact kind of emotions poured into their new numbers. I sat down with Shinoda to talk about his current perspective come Hitorie’s milestones, thus did he reveal details about his past trauma and his low self-esteem. Afflicted with a pain that fails to ever go away, they press on. What is it like to be in his shoes?

So, Hitorie is now 10 years old… how does that feel, what’s your verdict on the matter?

Shinoda: If it’s been 10 years since our studio debut then that marks year 5 of Hitorie’s metamorphosis. Did leader really leave us 5 years ago? Then that means… have I really been singing for 5 whole years? My mind is swirling. Along the way there was also was a 2-3 year period wherein we couldn’t operate as good old rockers due to the pandemic either so, to be honest it doesn’t feel as if 10 years have passed at all. It all just feels so complicated, and strange.

Do you mean that in regards to becoming the frontman as well?

Yeah. Since about a year ago we’ve been graciously given a fair amount of opportunities to perform in festivals and joint concerts. Thanks to them I’ve been able to watch a bunch of shows and analyse a variety of different frontmen, and you could say that slowly but surely the realization finally hit me: that “Hey, I also stand right up there too.” Up until that point I could never really get the reality that I stand center stage through my head.

You seem so ready to be the focus of attention though, I sense no hesitation in your shows and music.

Of course I’m prepared to do what needs to be done, but on the flip side for a long time I had this itch in the back of my mind that maybe I was somehow only convincing myself and pretending that I was the frontman all along. Like just telling myself “Yeah, you’re the totally the frontman, sure buddy.” I was trying to galvanize myself in a way too though, offering myself words of encouragement. Words strong enough to make me believe “Yeah, I can keep this up.” Nowadays we’re putting on heaps and heaps of shows, but the more we do it the more my weaknesses, or rather my shortcomings, become evident. Of course I’m also improving more and more with every show as well but, there’s still so much more I could be doing better.

When do you specifically feel your weaknesses and shortcomings become evident?

It all boils down to my skill level as a singer, plain and simple. The problem is that I feel I’m still a weak vocalist. I’m constantly comparing myself to people who are way cooler than me as well. Such as Maki-kun from Vanillas (Maki Tatsuya from go! go! vanillas), I just think he’s so cool whenever I see him, and I can’t help but worry how I pale in comparison.

I think there’s no reason to compare yourselves, you and Maki as counterparts both possess things each other don’t.

Hmm, I’m not so sure about that. Or maybe it’s just the way I am. My self-worth is inherently in the pits. As soon as someone or something cool catches my attention, I can’t help but immediately start comparing them to myself. A short while ago I saw the band “Mo’Some Tonebender” in Arabaki, and they were of exceptional nature, their coolness was off the charts. It made me cast doubts on myself like “I wonder if I’ll able to put on an act of their caliber when I’m that age too.” Or when it comes to the younger crowd, such as Akiyama Kiiro, when I saw his concert I thought “Wow he’s incredible, I don’t think I was nearly so capable back when I was that age.” My brain always makes it all about me and jumps straight to the negative. Yet nevertheless at the same time I do also sometimes catch myself wondering “Is there even anyone else fit to be Hitorie’s frontman?” For, it’s partly because I’m the type who suffers from anxiety that I’m able to make music. So, provided that I’m in a band, it’s practically a given for me to live hand in hand with anxieties.

On the same note as anxieties, you once before said that you feel you don’t have a clear-cut, singular core essence to yourself. Is this still the case?

Hmm, I think I’ve since changed a little bit. Last year we made an album titled “PHARMACY”, and for the promo tour we fashioned merchandise. Among them I had designed this cat plush, all just for kicks, yet somehow it took off. It started selling like hotcakes. This strange incident made something click for me (laughs). The plush has since been dubbed “Pharmacy Cat” as well. So after I heard that it was flying off the shelves, I had a revelation: now I know that I’m at the very least someone capable of selling cat plushies.

It raised your self esteem (laughs). I’m in awe that it wasn’t a song or a concert that was the catalyst, but rather a plush doll.

Yeah (laughs). Whenever I see that plush, it patches up the deficits in my heart. For I used to have nothing that stood out as “me” before.

I never got that impression though. When I read the lyrics of your song “On the Frontline”, specifically the lyrics “Get even stronger, I heard a voice say/Stuck in a world with no concept of right or wrong/My one and only heart/I give it whole to the things I want to protect”, they remind me of the exact way you, Shinoda, seem to throw yourself into the fray for the people you care about.

Excuse me, me?

Yes. That could be the reason why you were plagued with such stress 5 years ago, and why you had felt so pressured to take up the mantle to save the band. The song may have been written to be the opening song for the anime “Mushoku Tensei” but the lyrics really do feel like Shinoda manifest.

Those specific lines you mentioned, those had just popped out onto my paper thoughtlessly, earnestly, and with 0 stress involved. Maybe I actually am the kind of guy you mentioned, but, deep down part of me still feels like me being the frontman of Hitorie is just imprudent. I’ll forever be weighed down by the question of whether or not it’s okay for someone like me to receive as much charity as I do.

What exactly are you referring to by “charity”?

Being allowed to exist amongst the big names of the music industry, or sometimes being adored by my juniors, and things like that. “Should this really be happening to someone like me?” I often think. The more it keeps happening and happening, the more I want to meet their expectations; the more I’m flooded with the feeling I need to give something back. So maybe if you unravel it all far enough, the fact that I care too much for people might be at the root of it all.

What do you believe is the reason your self-value is so low?

Back in my 20s, before I joined Hitorie, I was doing music in Nagoya…

You were the vocalist for an indie band, correct?

Yes. In the end it all molded me into who I am today but, back then my music wasn’t received very well, and I felt I wasn’t loved nor needed by anyone.

I can tell you’re not the type to stay optimistic and bide your time in hopes that someone will fancy your songs one day.

Hmm. Back then I was not. I’m not a very wise person, and I wasn’t especially in a situation wherein I could take a step back and view things from a bigger perspective, I was kind of driven into a corner. So nowadays when people tell me that they’re fans of my old songs, such as Akiyama Kiiro, it makes me feel like “Wow, so everything does come back around and does serve a purpose, there was meaning to it after all.” It’s just the time investment required to finally get to this step is a lengthy one, that’s for sure.

The results aren’t immediate.

Exactly, exactly.

So after working with Hitorie, your self-esteem issues began to ease up?

Yeah, they totally did. Previously when Hitorie was a quad piece I stood on the stage as the lead guitarist, but prior to that I was composing all my songs and lyrics by myself on top of singing them all by myself in Nagoya. I was on the verge of my breaking point, at that point I couldn’t stand music that laid myself bare anymore. Until, upon joining this crazy band named “Hitorie” and becoming their guitarist, a large margin of my anxieties eased up. I was finally able to break away from 100 capacity venues, and somehow along the way turned into a rocker allowed on to bigger stages.

You have since returned to making songs that lay yourself bare, and singing them yourself as well. How does that make you feel?

Part of me thinks as if this is my karma, at the end of the day I can’t escape it. However, to be honest, my desire to sing and write songs never fully diminished even back when Hitorie was still complete, and deep down I had always hoped I would be able to do so. The only problem is the shape and form in which my desire came to a reality.

It truly does seem to be something you just can’t run away from.

Is this that thing people call fate? It circles around in the most twisted of ways. Life really is heavier than I ever could’ve imagined, when I think about.

You wrote a song for your newest single as well, and I would like to hear about your insights on it but, first before that there’s one point of interest I would like to touch upon. There’s 4 songs on the single, each written by all 4 members of Hitorie, including wowaka. Was this on purpose?

Yes. We came up with this idea in the early stages. We didn’t want to release just any old single, we wanted to take the medium called the CD and turn it into something with more oomph, more flair. Thus came the discussion of how to achieve this feat, and what you see today is the solution we conjured up. If we’re going to bring something into this world, then it needs to have a good reason and purpose. Which tied into how it’d be a problem if people forgot everything the four of us did together.

I see. The song you composed is named “Sakura no Itsuka”, and the lyrics speak candidly on your feelings about wowaka.

After we decided on our vision for the CD, the only one who didn’t have a song ready was me. I do have a stash of WIP songs which I could’ve pulled from but I instead opted to create a track from scratch. One which would represent the “resolution” part of the dramatic structure, with each of the 4 tracks respectively representing the beginning, development, climax, and resolution. For I thought it would be an effective means to strengthen the CD’s power and purpose, as I mentioned before, and to give it good justification for existing amongst our discography. I’ve written quite a few songs that tackle my feelings over losing wowaka now, that delve into means for us to cope and move on. Starting with curved edge…

That would be the first song Hitorie released as a trio.

Yes. But, unlike that single, this one has a 4 songs each written by all 4 of us so… I’m not sure the right way to articulate this but like, I felt that I couldn’t let the closing track on such a structured single just be run of the mill. I contemplated long and hard as to what exactly would be appropriate. After all that though, in the end I don’t think the song I wrote would appeal much to a special somebody (laughs).

Hahaha. What caused you to assume that?

I dunno, just a sixth sense (laughs). I just have a hunch that he wouldn’t care for the song very much. That he wouldn’t especially want to be written about nor seen in this light. For at the end of the day it’s nothing but an unelaborate ballad, to put it bluntly.

The lyrics are straightforward as well. “Yet again, a song you would probably hate/Keeps polluting the city/And yet a song you would probably love is something that we just can’t write/Something we could never write” gets to the heart of the matter, and from but a glance it’s obvious that the “you” in the lyrics must be referring to wowaka.

If he himself could hear the lyrics, I could just imagine him saying “Shinoda what happened to your alternative rock soul?” or “This isn’t like you at all?” (Laughs). “But, I can explain, everything’s been translated into the J-rock band format!” I would say back. I even refrained from overdubbing the guitar as much as possible too (laughs)! Yet the fact of the matter is that I up and used the man named wowaka as my muse. I’m worried, burdened by the fact that I’m practically expending his existence- and his absence both.

I wonder if anyone out there feels the same way though. From a third person perspective, as someone who has watched you become a wonderful frontman over the past 5 years and listened to the music you’ve created along the journey, I find it difficult to believe you’re “expending” his name, or to see it in that such cynical light.

I think there definitely are indeed people out there who think that way. To each his own, different strokes for different folks y’know. So l understand if people come to resent me over the song, so be it, I totally get it, it’s bound to happen. Yet nevertheless my wish to bring this song into the world and have it be heard no matter what won over all my concerns. What’s most important to me is for people to never forget that Hitorie was once the four of us.

[gabessquishytum]

OKAY this one came to me in a drug induced haze. So we all know the first thing that comes to mind when we see Hob. Get that man pregnant. Could be whatever variation human/warprize/fertility god etc au, I believe in my haze I was thinking specifically Dragon shapeshifter au ANYWAY. So Hob has just delivered a wonderful beautiful miracle to them, and they could not be more thrilled. They were definitely the Planning Parents who accounted for Every contingency in the baby's first 5 years of life, they have a Plan. Part of this plan, regrettably, was that they'd wait until Baby was at least 3 before having another. They both agreed it was just the Optimal Decision for their Great Baby Life Plan, so they'd have to put aside how ridiculously wonderful/horny those 9 months were. It won't be that hard, they'll have a whole ass child to love and dote on and take up all their time and energy.

The hitch comes when having a baby does nothing to dampen how absolutely devastatingly lustful they are for eachother. As soon as Hob is healed up he's begging for just one round, please Dream? It's been so long. Dream makes him wait another few days to be sure he's healed before they are right back to fucking like rabbits. Many orgasms to balance the discomfort of generally havinga newborn, interrupted sleep cycles, cramps from whatever position he was in too long for nursing, etc. And soon enough it's only been a few months and Hob is honestly? Feeling kind of shitty. He thought it would be getting EASIER as the baby got older and disnt need to be so much stapled to him and slept for longer periods of time, but he's very tired and kind of cranky and achey. It isn't until he starts throwing up that he realizes what's happened. Of course his first thought is ANOTHER BABY OMG YES BABIES. But then he has a rude awakening. He wasnt Supposed to get pregnant again so soon. This will break their whole big plan into tiny peices. Will Dream be mad? Oh no.

But Hob couldn't keep a secret from Dream on a good day, let alone a bad day when he's tired and hormonal, so he puts the baby down, sits Dream down at the table, and weeps his way through explaining that whatever birth control they used couldn't stand up to their vigorous lovemaking and he's pregnant again. Hob is trying to read Dream's reaction but Dream is doing his absolute best not to WIGGLE with pleasure at the dinner table. Another baby!! He and Hob are gonna have more babies!!! He's also counting back in his mind through the days theyve fucked trying to figure out when this happened and can remember at least twice when he either forgot to pull out or maybe forgot the condom? He's a tired dad okay. He does his best not to break out into ecstatic laughter while he holds and comforts Hob and tells him What Plan? We'll make a new plan, with our wonderful extra baby in mind. They quickly work through whatever angst there was and are back to being the sunshiniest happy family there ever was, now with an absolutely Glowing Hob, bc of course pregnancy looks GREAT on him. They are also fucking at increased rates without any birth control again bc what's gonna happen? He'll get MORE pregnant? When the ultrasound shows twins, Hob makes a joke like "Maybe we SHOULD have slowed down lol" but Dream can only vibrate with smugness. Lookit his perfect man. He put SO many babies in him.

Lying on the floor kicking my legs in the air. I'm always deeply obsessed with pregnant Hob content and I'm just very!!!!! Very horny about them being horny for each other.

Hob loves his baby so much. But it IS hard being a new parent, and he's so incredibly tired! The only consolation is that Dream is wonderful and still extremely attentive to Hob’s needs - particularly in the bedroom! Whenever the baby takes a nap, Dream makes sure that Hob gets at least a little bit of an orgasm. With his mouth, or fingers... or his cock. It makes the pain of parenting just a tiny bit more manageable.

Until Hob starts throwing up, and aching all over, and he's crying a lot all of a sudden. He's barely recovered from the first baby, and he doesn't feel terribly comfortable in his body. He knows that Dream still loves him but the thought that he might well be pregnant again is utterly terrifying. What if Dream is angry! What if he was sick of Hob being pregnant the first time, and what if he doesn't want another baby at all!? Oh dear. Hob holds his baby in his arms and gives them lots of cuddles, and calms himself down a little bit. It seems very important that Dream should at least KNOW that he's going to be a father again!

Of course as you've said, Dream has to try really hard to stop himself from CHEERING when he gets the news. He's wanted another baby ever since the first one came along. He wants everything with Hob, and that includes many many babies. Plans are overrated! Loving Hob and their children is the most important thing.

Twins wasn't part of the plan, but as previously mentioned, plans are overrated!! Hob looks incredible. He carries the new babies strongly and well, and provides plenty of milk for the twins, the first baby... and Dream, who loves relieving Hob’s swollen breast by drinking his milk as often as needed. Dream is a very proud father to his first baby AND the two nestled in Hob’s womb. He's thrilled to place his hands gently on Hob’s belly and the small of his back. In public he practically vibrates whenever they're congratulated on their parenthood. As they relax at home, he holds the baby in his arms and pops another cushion beneath the small of Hob’s back. He's going to give Hob as many babies as he can ever want and he's going to take the best care of him. That’s the only plan he’s concerned with now <3

[marnz]

Destiel anon again! Aha! hopefully you’ll be living your destiel autumn soon then 😄

For fics tbh I dont have any specific criteria, just that it needs to make ur brain a little crazyyy like american oracle or the new rec ziz gave with the author you like! Anything posted after the confession is the best since you know the author cooked.

For other recs Id actually love to hear your stucky recs if you have any! Im rereading NEC bc it made my brain crazy, but any other ones are appreciated!!

Also tbh for any fandom, if you have like really good recs, I always like reading in different fandoms if the writing is really really good!

Thank you so much!

it's been literal years since i've posted fic recs anon, this is great. as always my caveat is that i like to have some fun with it. for stucky, it's been about one hundred thousand years since i've read stucky but i do have very fond memories. let's get to it

Destiel

to be restored by serenityfalls E - 47k - graphic depictions of violence The Empty sends Cas back different

commentary: every time I think of this fic I start rotating like i'm in the exorcist.

he showed me what was love E - 11k - no warnings season 9 fic from when Cas was homeless

commentary: incredible prose! incredible characterization. so tender and aching 😭

on labor E - 24.6k - chose not to use warnings Cas is back from the Empty, and Dean knows how to be grateful.

commentary: thee repression......thank you.

Stucky

i of course recommend not easily conquered and all other old stalwarts but here are my favs. hopefully at least 1 is new to you

ain't no grave (can keep my body down) E - 107k - chose not to use warnings commentary: you know...just trust me.

4 minute window series - 23 works - variety of warnings "Look, if they catch me," Bucky muttered, "they're either going to kill me or they're going to put me in a box with a little window and—Steve, I can't."

commentary: i love this series, it's so original, and I look forward to thanksgiving and the first few days of december every year, which is when the fic updates <3

timestamp series E - 5 works, 30k summary from the first work: april, 1939 Bucky knows what Steve wants when he comes in like that, hair wet, robe slipping off his shoulder. commentary: I looooove this series and I remember it so clearly...really good Bucky characterization and narrative voice.

good boy E - 13.4k - no archive warnings Bucky is still adjusting to life with the Avengers, and Steve is willing to do whatever it takes to make him feel comfortable. Increasingly, though, what seems to make him comfortable is strangely intimate.

commentary: when I first read this 10+ years ago I had not encountered petplay before but given, like, everything in CATWS all I could think was "wow" and "this makes perfect sense!" anyway, read it, let yourself be changed, enjoy.

stuff I have filed under my 'ultimate fic rec' tag

leave no soul behind star trek - 258k - graphic depictions of violence If you're Starfleet, you spend your whole life wishing you never see an EPAS uniform right up until the moment they become your only hope. Whether you're dying a slow, cold death in space, or a long painful one on some godforsaken planet, they're going to come for you. So count your last breaths, son, and hold on tight. They leave no soul behind. commentary: save this for a holiday or when you are sick and need something to curl up with and lose yourself in. an incredible canon au of star trek that will completely carry you away. have patience and you will be rewarded.

so wise we grow star trek - 81k - chose not to use archive warnings* "Commander Spock, we have located your son," the Vulcan lady on the screen says, which would be great, except Jim can tell by the look on Spock's face that he's never heard of this kid before in his life.

commentary: this is one of my favorite fics of all time, period. it's sooooooo good. i love the characterization, the banter, the pacing, it's just exquisitely crafted. please read it, but: please mindful that this fic deals with themes of CSA.

world ain't ready les miserables - 185k - no archive warnings apply* High school AU. Grantaire the disaffected stoner is pulled into a cause bigger than himself. Or: in which there are pretend boyfriends for great justice.

commentary: if you're like, that's a long fic/i don't know canon/i don't like high school aus -- who cares? would I steer you wrong? on this my ultimate fic rec list? no! read this, if it's the last thing you do. let yourself be overcome. warnings for bullying and child abuse

an ever-fixed mark pride & prejudice - 190k - major character death A deconstruction of the "soulmate identifying mark" trope, using "Pride and Prejudice." Trigger warnings in the tags.

commentary: i've got this friend @lady-sci who exclusively recs me very long life changing fic. life changing. she recommended me this (and leave no soul behind, mentioned earlier) and I sat down to read it and emerged so shaken and so changed and so amazed that I count it as one of the most pivotal reading experiences of my life. just incredible stuff.

you're in my blood like holy wine by magneticwave game of thrones - 72k - chose not to use archive warnings* Sansa finds it difficult to look at Jon’s face, with its weathered lines and cragginess. It is the face of the North and a face that northerners trust; the face of Sansa’s brothers and her father, who had been loved and respected by their tenants as their forefathers had been when they were kings. How can Sansa feel anything but resentment, looking into that face and knowing that all of her years of hard work will never earn her the respect that that profile engenders within seconds? But she does. It is a small, burning coal of something that must be smothered.

commentary: I urge you to read this even if you do not care about a) game of thrones b) regency romance novels c) the weird cousin situation. i also urge you to read everything, yes everything, by this author, who is one of my favorite fic authors of all time. impeccable vibes. anyway this fic KILLED ME and kept me going thru the early days of covid lockdown. please be aware this fic deals with past sexual assault

teen wolf

please. understand it is teen wolf autumn. just like it was for the past 2 autumns. here are the fruits of my labor.

what I did on my summer vacation by grimm sterek - 118k - chose not to use archive warnings There's something weird about Beacon Hills that Stiles can't quite put his finger on.

commentary: trust me <3

stand fast in your enchantments sterek - 76k - E - graphic depictions of violence "Stiles knew damn well what a pissed-off wolf sounded like, and every hair on the back of his neck was telling him that somewhere in this room was a very pissed-off werewolf." An AU in which Derek is feral, Stiles is magical, and they eat a lot of fast food.

commentary: this is my favorite teen wolf fic of all time.

the broken radio is playing suicide sterek - 73k - E - graphic depictions of violence Stiles only wishes they could actually be safe. They haven’t been for nine months now.

commentary: teen wolf with a decidedly spn flavor.

enjoy anon <3

[sparklesandlonliness]

I’m coming to the end of my therapy journey of eight years. My therapist initially suggested ending after a long period of stability, and I thought about it for a few months and agreed. I feel I have the skills to navigate my intense feelings, even when they’re hard sometimes. I learned many helpful things, and I wanted to write them down. I understand these things apply to me, and I am not trying to invalidate anyone else’s recovery, as all of our journeys/tools are valid. What works for me might be shit advice for you. ❤️. None of these were easy and still are a work in progress

1. Not everything requires A+ effort all the time. It’s okay to put a C effort when you have to. I could not finish my degree, and I kept dropping classes once I felt I could not be perfect- wasting time, money and etc, but then I learned that it’s okay to turn in something that might get a D. As long as this isn’t a habit all the time, it’s OK. I actually got my degree and could make progress without dropping. I know that my perfectionism makes me put %120 into things when I think my effort is only %70.

2. Importance of anxiety management/self care ie. meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, stretching- anything that feels manageable for physical tension. Enough said, it’s so much easier to relax when not clenching every muscle

3. It’s okay to have boundaries, advocate for yourself, and not blame yourself if the reaction received was negative: I’m not in control of others. I always evaluate whether I am fair and listen to the other side. Still, I’m allowed to feel that criticism isn’t an accurate representation of me or my beliefs and character.

I’m allowed to say no

I’m allowed to have opinions different than other people

I’m allowed to be myself

I also expect myself to treat others with absolute respect, and listen to ideas and agree/disagree in respectful ways.

I am allowed to walk away when a situation harms me.

4. Accepting emotions is vital: I used to push them down, but they’d get big like a balloon and eventually pop. Letting those emotions out in healthy ways was helpful for me. Emotions aren’t scary, and it’s okay to feel them fully. There’s no such thing as a destructive emotion; actions can be dangerous, and I need to take steps to control them, but there are no destructive emotions. All emotions indicate to me that I need something. Sad=i need comfort, anger= I’m not being treated right, how can I change this; grief= I need to process and feel my loss..

5. Doctors/mental health professionals are human, too, and can make mistakes. I worked with a psychiatrist and therapist for a long time, and it progressively got worse; I believe he was great as I’d seen other participants get stabilized, but his approach didn’t work for me. So I took the initiative and switched, and found my diagnosis was incorrect; from there, I started a new treatment modality and began to stabilize.

6. Coping skills aren’t always there to make me feel better—they’re there to create distance between me and painful feelings. I really paid attention to how much better I could cope when I didn’t dwell for too long.

7. Symptoms come and go, and they probably will for the rest of my life. Accepting this is vital- although I’m in recovery, I still get depression, and I set aside time to throw myself into it- I listen to really depressing music while crying. I let myself think about escapes that may not be healthy, but I use coping skills to reel it back in so I can be safe with myself. It feels great to validate tough emotions.

8. Accepting reality for what it is- this does not mean I’m in agreement with it, but for now, this is what reality is. A silly example is, say I drop my ice cream, I don’t like it. I can either get pissed, put myself down and feel worse, or I can say, it happens, we all do it, and this is what it is right now- I’ll be able to change it later, and maybe I can get ice cream later. That mindset helps me with pain. Fighting it or arguing with myself about how things should be only put me deeper into the hole of despair and pushes me further away from my goals

9. You deserve to celebrate small or big successes. I write down things about myself that make me happy. Even if I got out of bed, and that’s all I can do, it still counts. It does not serve me to shit on myself for not doing enough. If anything, shaming myself will cause more procrastination because I’m now carrying a heavy load of self-hatred.

10. Your voice vs. your abuser's voice-know the difference. I realized all my life that I carried my abuser's voice in my head, and I did not use the information I believed about myself. This required a ton of digging about the origins of many of my core beliefs. Once I realized the majority of my negative self-thoughts were actually my parents' thoughts, I was able to separate from them and see my authentic self.

I now know:

I am not a bad person

I did not deserve abuse

My abusers had their own demons and that was not a reflect of me.

I will not harm myself any longer because of the disparaging things they said about me as a child.

11. It really helps to check and change thought distortions: am I thinking in all-or-nothing? Only seeing positives/negatives, discounting any positives about myself and others? After, I rewrite a more plausible explanation. There’s thinking patterns really impacted my depression- I was always thinking the worst

Example: everyone hates me-look how she’s looking at me

Evidence: she is looking at me, she keeps staring at me.

Alternate explanation: she’s just looking around, I’m feeling a bit insecure, but so far everyone has seemed welcoming and even if they don’t particularly like me, I’m able to handle that. I can’t make assumptions right now.

Having a balanced view of people is so helpful, too. Most people are neither all good nor all bad. We’ve all done shitty things, and most of the time, our intentions were not to harm someone. I had to work at challenging my assumptions of others. Usually, people are trying the best they can with what they have.

12. Slow and steady shows more results than quick, rushed action. I used to rush and feel like I had to do everything right now, but I saw more progress when I slowed down and actually listened to my body. I have a chronic illness, and doing five things today may cause me not to be able to do anything for two days, whereas if I do three things today, I may be a bit sick tomorrow, but at least I’m still able to function. A ton more gets done for me using this.

13. I view my depression as honoring my past, instead of thinking of it as this horrible thing. As a kid, no one heard my cries for help, and now I see my depression as my adult self, hearing my inner child begging for help. I honor what that child needs and soothe them. Since realizing this, depression isn’t scary to me, and I don’t fear it coming around.

14. Going out and not isolating is important. Covid lockdowns along with therapy really taught me this. I thought that because I don’t socialize, it’s not important to go out. But I realized if I’m not chatting, being around others, just in their presence is helpful. It gives me a way to distance myself from painful emotions and stressors. I notice I spiral after days and days at home, so now I have rules for myself or how long I can go without contact. Even just using something like social media helps. I’ve had different Tumblr accounts for about nine years, and knowing I’m not alone is a really helpful feeling.

15. Building a life outside of my depression/PTSD helps it seem more manageable. When the only thing I had in my life was my mental anguish, anything going wrong would multiply it. Now that I have various hobbies, friends, things to do, etc- my pain feels like a small section of my life.

16. Just because others talk shit doesn’t mean you should do something to help you. I have a chronic illness and use mobility aids; my family hates this- when I began to do it- I felt better. It was hard but worth it.

17. Recovery is not about the absence of symptoms. It’s about managing them. It’s okay to feel intense and crisis feelings, but knowing how to deal safely, ask for help when I can’t, and attempt to take preventative measures to prevent crises is what recovery means to me. 

All of these things led me to self-acceptance. I’m still pretty anxious, but I understand myself and feel I can move on with my life. I have made many strides in progress and will continue to do more. I used to have many addictions, food, etc etc, but after these discoveries about myself, those urges disappeared, and when they do come up, I now know how to manage them. I never thought recovery was possible, I thought I’d continue cycling through hospitals, but that’s not my life anymore.

Some of these things may seem obvious, but I really struggled to grasp them as my childhood was filled with abuse and unrealistic expectations; I wasn’t allowed to have a “self,” I had to be an extension of my parents I wasn’t exactly like them, I’d face consequence, be called “mentally ill” have my reputation ruined, be physically/mentally harmed and it took years to unlearn this. Years of suppressing my authentic self cause profound depression, isolation, PTSD and various addictions.

[peppergnocchi]

URGENT!!!

Please help a disabled NB artist provide for their cats and be able to survive while unemployed!!!

Hey, my name is Ari! I'm a disabled NB artist who's desperately looking for help! Currently, as I have been fighting to get disability benefits in light of recent health troubles (Awful joint issues, extreme fatigue, spinal straightening that makes me dizzy when bending, extreme vitamin deficiencies, and mental health issues including autism), I haven't been able to secure a job. Since November I've been trying every day to apply to different places, but despite any skills I may have, I either never hear back from employers, get interviewed and then ghosted, or am told that they went with another candidate. Here's one of my cervical X-rays showing the straightening in my spine, which causes coathanger pain, the aforementioned dizziness, near fainting when standing up after being bent for short periods of time, and all over body misalignment/pain:

I also have two lovely cats (and other small miscellaneous animals) who need food, supplies, and care that I can't afford. Here's some pictures!:

With this being said, I put together a GoFundMe! I wouldn't make one unless I was desperate, but I honestly am at this point in time. Alongside the other health issues I face, I also need to get to a rheumatologist to determine if I have an autoimmune disease/infection, since I tested positive for ANA.

If you can donate, I very deeply appreciate it! If not, it's alright. Please just share if you can to boost, since I'm hoping to be able to make at least $150 by the end of next week to be able to pay my phone bill!

Any donations over $5 will receive a free small commission!!

Here's the link!:

Thank you so much for your time and help!

-Ari

[trillscienceofficer]

Hi! I saw your tags on that post & I thought I'd send you a question about B7 that I'd love to hear your thoughts about :) Quick disclaimer: I haven't seen the last few seasons of Voyager & I've only *heard* about Picard so if I'm missing anything that's probably why. Having said that - if we assume that B'Elanna & Seven dated during the events of Voyager & came back to the alpha quadrant together, what is your favourite post-Voyager version of events regarding their relationship? Thank you & take care!

Thank you so much, this is a REALLY good question!

I find myself going back and forth on various versions of this canon-divergent post-Voyager scenario, and I find it hard to settle on one in particular. Would a relationship between them implode in the abrupt transition to life in the Alpha Quadrant, since it was something that started in the relatively isolated environment of Voyager, or would it survive the change? I think it ultimately depends on how that relationship between them developed, and when. Most of the time in my writing I assume B'Elanna and Seven get together in late season 5 or early season 6, and that would mean they had around two years to figure things out about each other and themselves before being faced with leaving behind the life they've known for so long. However, I wouldn't describe the dynamic of a relationship between them as stable, either.

Both because I'm a hopeless romantic and what compels me most about this relationship is the potential for growth and self-discovery it could spur in both B'Elanna and Seven, I really would love to see them working it out in some way, and remain together. I think a relationship still wouldn't cancel out their restlessness, though. Honestly, I think B'Elanna would hate a Starfleet-type job, and I don't see either of them settling down unless it was for a short-lived, unsuccessful experiment. I think it would be fun for them to have the kind of elastic bond that would allow them to work and travel across the Quadrant doing their own thing while periodically seeing each other whenever they have time, and sometimes going on wild tangents together (honestly if Seven still got in the Rangers or a similar organization, I see them working together pretty often trying to make old, banged-up starships fly again!)

Another important question to me is, would that relationship allow B'Elanna and Seven grow in such a way that they'd be able to face their future in a less dysfunctional way? Again I think it depends on how you look at it, but my favorite interpretation of this ship is a resounding yes! It's no secret that I think Seven on the Picard show is not doing very well and is not getting particularly better, but the way in which she's not doing well is very interesting. I think Seven's main problem on Picard is that she's avoidant, both wrt her own needs and feelings and wrt the people who care about her. All this sound to me like... she's essentially taken on a lot of the issues B'Elanna had on Voyager. Simply put, I think that wouldn't had happened if she and B'Elanna had been closer and had stayed close. Not that I think that they are particularly good at recognizing each other's issues, but they would certainly have more experience with dealing with them because, again, I think some growth has happened to allow them to stay in each other's life.

As for B'Elanna... we know nothing about her post-Voyager so far, but I really would love to see her forging her own path in the Alpha Quadrant, no strings attached, while still having a partner that she can be sure she can trust (however tumultuous her relationship with Seven is) and won't force B'Elanna to shrink herself into someone she's not. I want her to have the freedom that comes with that kind of partnership, even if it would probably take time for her to realize that not settling down doesn't mean that she's failing.

tl;dr my fave version of post-canon b7 is that with some growing pains they remain together in an elastic and informal arrangement, and still see each other when they're not having wild adventures (and maybe even have some adventures together)

[toddmarksthespot]

Entry #5

13Jun24

0708

^^’ Been a while since I’ve made an official entry post..! A lot has happened since then I guess.

Had a visit from Habit…! Wasn’t pleasant! But I did owe him payment from when I visited #013. Oh!! I never touched on that in an entry post either- god no wonder my mind is all over the place..^^’ Really need to get better with this routine. Haha..!!

Ireland: I went to Ireland to help #013 with his eye. Despite the circumstances, I am very glad I went. #013 is really nice! He’s really cool and interesting, super knowledgable and understanding. I feel bad, I feel like I was short with him the whole time. I hadn’t been sleeping, just in case something were to show up. I ended up passing out eventually- probably should’ve done it on my own accord to keep from sleeping as long as I had. Especially since it was my first night there- I hadn’t slept a couple days prior-to but I just didn’t feel comfortable sleeping when #013 could’ve needed something urgently. Luckily, nothing happened. I’ve been trying to do better about my phobia of sleeping…hasn’t been helped by how fast everything’s been moving lately, I think. Makes me forget things and makes me panic. I get worried I’ll go to sleep and it’ll be a few days or weeks along the line before I wake up again. Anyway! Off topic- #013, I’d love to see you again during better circumstances! ^^ I don’t like being around people, but I didn’t mind being around you at all. It was really, really nice having the company.

Habit visit: I don’t want to go into too much here. He came and got the book. I messed up, gave him the wrong one at first, I didn’t check. I learned my lesson.

Happy time: Habit had a 24 hour spell when no one could feel anything wrong. It was amazing. I felt like I hadn’t in..god. Years. Like nothing was wrong, nothing had ever been wrong, nothing will be wrong again. Any usual worries or paranoias I had were just gone. Anytime I saw Scottie, he was happy. I believed Blue was back. I didn’t feel guilty anymore. I wasn’t scared. It all ended way too fast. …^^’ Ended up breaking my hand and wrist over it.

Broken hand: The second that 24 hour period was up, it all just…came rushing back. Way too fast. I was pissed, I was scared, I was grieving. I put a hole through my poor wall, and thusly forgot the brick behind the wood paneling. Way to go, #042! -_- Naturally, I couldn’t go to a hospital. I wouldn’t have anyway, last time I tried to go to a doctor they just acted weird. Like they’d seen a ghost. So…if it isn’t obvious already, I’ve been without my meds for who knows how long now. I did try to wrap it myself, even made a splint with some wood scrap. It didn’t really offer the support my hand and wrist needed, and it wasn’t at all reset. My hand hurt so bad, just kept looking worse and worse. Ran out of what little ibuprofen I had left. But…#140 made a deal to fix it. I don’t know what he dealt, or why…but I am so. So grateful to him. Pissed that he did it, yes, but grateful. I didn’t realize just how bad it really was until it was gone. I was able to sleep last night. I feel bad about getting so upset in chat, I really wasn’t trying to be difficult. I’d been running on zero sleep and in so much pain…plus Habit egging on everything just…ugh. It was too much. I feel so much better now, I really hope he and #013 can forgive me for being so mean yesterday.

Minecraft: On the subject of yesterday…Habit made a Minecraft server. I haven’t played in a couple years, not since Scottie left. It’s nice!! Last time I played they had just added stained glass and stuff, so much has been added since then…it’s really fun exploring it! I didn’t know I needed this until now, but it’s doing wonders for my mental health. It’s nice to see #013 again! And I can play with the other rabbits ^^ Plus I can keep my hands busy without feeling totally alone, without having to be around anyone. It’s great, I’m so happy it was made. I can’t wait to play again tonight!

All in all, really rough few weeks, so far ending on a better note. Learning a lot..! ^^’ But hope it stays good for a while.

[pens-swords-stuff]

hello, i've run into a sort of first-world problem and i'm not sure if you can help but you've posted about taglists before, and i don't know who else i could ask.

on my side blog (@dont-talk-back-to-heapass), i started a project (not writing, unfortunately- it's a picrew) and i made a taglist for people who want updates on it. problem is, it's a very popular fandom and my post got a lot more traction than i thought it would. i now have over 50 people who want to be on the taglist, but that's over tumblr's limit. what should i do?

Fortunately, you're asking the right person: I have experienced the same flattering first world problem. Unfortunately, there's no elegant solution.

As you know, the tag limit for a single post is 50 blogs. My taglist for Always the Bridesmaid was at 161 people (and was still growing) when I was still accepting people for it. Here is everything that I have tried.

Tag them across multiple reblogs

Hypothetically, let's say that you have 60 people on your taglist. One thing that you could do is tag 50 people when you initially post it, and then tag the remaining 10 people in a reblog.

If you have between 50-100 people on your taglist, this is probably the easiest option that I'd recommend because all it takes is one reblog.

But personally, I had to reblog it 4 times just for my ATB taglist alone — and that didn't include my other taglists, such as people who wanted to be tagged for all my writing — and I felt awful about clogging up people's dashes with the same post 4 times. So I continued experimenting.

Pros: + Effective, simple and easy. + Works best if you have between 50-100 people on your taglist. Cons: - If you have 100+ people on your taglist, it takes a lot of reblogging.

Staggering your multiple reblogs

Because I felt really bad for reblogging the same post multiple times, I tried staggering out my reblogs. For example, if I posted at 10AM, I'd reblog with the first part of my taglist at 11AM, second part at 2PM, so on and so forth.

Pros: + People are less likely to see the exact same post on their dash. + You get a guilt-free bump to reblog it for people who may not have seen it the first time.

Cons: - People might think that they're not on the taglist even if they are because you didn't include them in a particular taglist reblog. - You still have to reblog within a relatively short period of time. Not a problem if you have up to 100 people on your taglist, but it can be a problem if you have more than that.

Tag people in the comments

A frequently overlooked place to tag people is in the comments of your post. There's one catch: I believe the tag limit for a single comment is 5 people. (Or at least it was, last I checked. I could be wrong if it's been updated).

Pros: + It solves the problem of clogging up people's dashboards and your own blog. + In my personal experience, it seemed to be more effective at actually notifying people than taglists. Many of the people that I've tagged in my reblogged taglists have said they didn't receive the notification, but a lot more people seemed to have received the notification when I tagged them here.

Cons: - It is a lot more work to tag a large amount of people in the comments due to the smaller limit. Might be a good option if you have 55 people on your taglist (that's only 11 comments), but if you have more it's really tedious. - It inflates your note count by quite a bit.

Make a sideblog and have people turn on blog notifications

This might not be super applicable to your picrew taglist, but I wanted to make sure I included this because this is what I have currently settled on doing. I didn't feel good about everything that I've explained thus far because no matter what, it was either a pain or intrusive on people's dashes.

So I ended up making a sideblog for ATB at @always-the-bridesmaid-wip. When people ask me to put them on the taglist, I let them know that they can follow this sideblog and turn on the option to receive notifications whenever I post something here.

I post my important ABT posts on this blog @pens-swords-stuff, and reblog all the "official" ATB posts (i.e., snippets, excerpts, intros, lore, artwork, etc) that I would've used my taglist for onto this blog. I don't reblog any posts that I don't consider official, since that's how I use my taglists.

If people have turned on notifications for this blog, people should receive a notification that I've posted something onto my sideblog in a very similar manner to tagging them on my taglist.

As for effectiveness, I'm not sure yet! I haven't been super active on writeblr since I created my sideblog. I had intentions to run surveys and such about the experience but alas I got busy and lazy. I'll have to report back later once I post more.

Pros: + You don't have to actually tag anyone, it sends a notification for you automatically so it's less work. + It's less likely to get buried in someone's tumblr notifications because it sends it in a different way. + It's more reliable. Tags sometimes fail, but in my experience, this has yet to fail for me personally. + Solves the problem of having to make several reblogs or comments. + It's a lot more user-friendly. People don't have to ask to be put on taglists, nor do they need to say something to get taken off a taglist. They can follow/turn on notifications and unfollow/turn off notifications whenever they'd like without notifying anyone or having to speak up. + Solves the problem of clogging up dashes/comments.

Cons: - For this to work, you have to make a separate sideblog for your taglist-worthy posts. - It may only work for those using the mobile app? When someone I have notifications turned on for posts, it sends me an app notification, not the notifications that you check on Tumblr. There's an option to turn on notifications for a blog on the desktop version, but I'm not sure if you actually receive them without the app. - You can't see whether people have actually turned on notifications for your sideblog. (You can however, see how many followers you have. And if people follow, I guess it still has the desired effect to some extent). - Going to follow another blog, and then turn notifications on for them is a lot of active steps. You might be losing out on someone who would ask to be put on a taglist, but wouldn't go to a sideblog, follow them, and then turn on notifications for them. - It's easier to ignore a ton of notifications on Tumblr, not so easy to direct notifications on your phone. This method works well for me since I rarely ever post here so I can reassure people that they will hardly ever get notifications from here. However, if you are a frequent poster it will be more annoying to the people who have notifications turned on.

I hope my experimenting proves to be somewhat helpful for you! It is a very fortunate thing to have so many people interested in your work, and it's also probably not a very common issue that people run into. But it can be a logistical nightmare with no easy solution. Congrats on having an eager audience, I hope you're able to figure it out!

(And of course, I am incredibly thankful to every single person who has expressed an interest in being on ATB's taglist. I did a lot of experimentation because I was grateful for the attention (if a little overwhelmed) so that I could try to find the best possible solution for both the people on the taglist, and all my followers who do not want to be on the taglist).

Remember, all advice is subjective! So don’t take this too seriously. This is just one person’s opinion.

If you’d like to ask me for advice on writing or running a writeblr, please check out my Ask Guidelines and FAQ first.

Ask Guidelines | FAQ | Advice Masterlist

[sunsetseason8910]

This is for whoever needs it

Tips for Musical Theater!

Disclaimer these are not professional tips these are just what I've learned from experience in theater and musical theater

1. Always have an excessive amount of water on you especially during long rehearsals. I once almost passed out during a three hour rehearsal for newsies because along with being Spot Conlon, Oscar Delancey, and a Bowery Brigade girl, I was a backup dancer in Carrying the Banner and King of New York since I was one of the stronger dancers. One day we had a three hour rehearsal and I was basically either dancing or singing the entire time without water and nearly passed out so always bring water!

2. Feet comfort! When at a long dance rehearsal, your feet will hurt like hell. Bring ibuprofen or other pain meds, as well as comfy shoes for before and afterwards. Fuzzy socks help me too when my feet are sore

3. Character development! Embrace your character(s) give them backstories, give them attitudes, make them your own. With every character i ever get i write an entire notebook page at least full of their backstory, personality, preferences, etc. And after every performance in my last two years I've gotten compliments left and right about my character depth on stage.

4. Don't push yourself too hard! If you need a break, tell your director and they will most likely understand. Circling back to me almost passing out, it could have been easily avoided by me asking to borrow someone's water bottle, a sit down for a few, and in general me not pushing myself as hard as I was. There is a difference between hard work and over working yourself, its important to find that balance before something bad happens. Things happen, and sometimes you get overworked in the moment if you are in a situation I was in where I had three characters and several songs as a dancer, where you're gonna need to put your needs first.

5. No matter what happens on stage, don't break character! Even if the audience laughs, try your hardest not to break character. If you laugh when the audience laughs, it has the potential of messing up the whole scene.

6. This one is for period-havers, if you're even remotely close to your cycle, wear a pad or at least a liner in your costume. During a play I was in I almost bled through my costume because I was early.

7. Always have extra stuff. Tissues, bobby-pins, makeup, and I recommend for back to back performances, shoes to wear in between. During newsies we had two shoes in one night, thirty minutes in between, and I still had my dance shoes on and my feet had blisters by the end of the night.

8. Doesn't matter what shoes you're wearing, I always recommend putting a bandaid on my heel and other rubbing areas. Lots of times when you have lots of scenes you will barely get a moment to sit, so your feet need to be comfortable. I understand this can be hard with dancing shoes like ballet slippers or tap shoes (speaking from experience) but most other shoes should be fine with the bandaids

Hope this helps to those starting out in theater/musical theater or just any theater/musical theater kids in general!