#that makes my skin crawl so much
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every single goddamn tech company application: thanks for finishing our assessment that you don't know what the fuck was accomplishing or if you actually got a good score, can you please assess the assessment for us
#jamie has made a statement#yes it was amazon bc i'm at a low. yes it was awful#i've interviewed for them before and it was horrendous years ago#however the STAR method does work for like. interview shit#i fucking hate amazon but they do have efficiency down to a. an absolutely insane fucking science#that makes my skin crawl so much
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i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.
and that should be fine; but it's never fine.
i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.
for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.
we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.
i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.
restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.
#hobbies#writeblr#what stage of weirdness to write about hobbies on my hobby writing blog#although i know OBJECTIVELY i am a creative person#i often forget to label myself that bc i don't feel im an ARTISTIC person bc i don't do anything like that professionally#writing doesn't even feel like a hobby i think that surprises nobody for me to be like#it would be easier for me to stop . like. breathing.#which feels cheesy and trite but listen im running late for a meeting and all i really want to say is like#i couldn't even consider writing my hobby bc it makes my skin crawl bc it makes it sound like it's not important to me#bc we really devalue hobbies. like entirely.#it HAS to be a job. it must#also idk if this is clear but i personally get stuck in this space where i CANT create bc i am putting so much pressure on myself#to make it RIGHT#and im like ... idk i only have an hour#so probably shouldnt get involved in this thing
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"I'll keep your secret, DiMA."
#dima fo4#dima fallout 4#fallout 4 spoilers#fallout#far harbor#my art#love this DLC so so much I wish I could wipe my own memory everytime I replay it#but dima when I catch you dima#if it weren't for mr valentine i stg#you know the character writing is good when they make your skin crawl a little#also the textures are a mess here but I tried something different so ah well
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I think we're forgetting in the whole idea of Cassida's tragedy and the Society of Primes in their devotion to the deities despite the anti-god stance of most Aeorian mages (I know they were already discovered by the Aeor govt but beyond that) before they tested it on any god - there was a in-world theory that Aeor was going to test the Malleus Factorum on another magocracy before any actual divine entity. They were gonna Death Star a civilization of mortals before they took out any Prime OR Betrayer. Aeor's Downfall was a tragedy but that doesn't mean that Aeor wasn't a horrifying place with horrifying ideals with just as little regard for mortal life as the Gods. The magocracies in general - we see it with the Ring of Brass and how they view "terrestrials". The way when Aeor comes to "save the refugees" only people who can contribute labor/materials to their society are valued - everyone else is left to die on a scorched Exandria. It's the same folly with Ludinus who refuses to see that he is no better than the Gods because he is making a huge gamble with the existence of the entire Exandrian AND Ruidian population, he has destroyed a city for an experiment, a communion. It's one thing to resent the gods for their horrific actions - but to commit the same atrocities in a war against them and declare yourself morally superior because of your hatred of them is just fucking hypocritical.
#i hate him SO MUCH#the hypocrisy makes my SKIN CRAWL#ludinus da'leth#aeor#avalir#ring of brass#exandria#ruidus#downfall#exu calamity#critical role#bells hells
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haha I was already in dubious emotional territory and then I just had to see the EXACT kind of thing that triggers my fucking OCD so now I feel like crying because I cannot get this image out of my head no matter how hard I try to think about something else, it just keeps popping back up, can't wait for this to make me nauseous and keep me awake at night for the next week or two
#I tried the tetris trick it did not work#my medication makes this slightly more bearable but only slightly#also dw this isn't about anyone on tumblr#personal#negative#vent#I hate having OCD so fucking much it makes me want to crawl out of my skin#I'm tired of gross images making it so I can't even eat#it takes MONTHS for these images to lose their impact sometimes too#I can't fucking deal with this right now#I'm stressed enough already why did I have to see that
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i dont like the idea of everything being linked to the fade or the elves and mages etc etc and i think ive said that several times atp. but yknow what i DO want linked to everything? the deep roads actually. and im being serious abt that
#secret taylah rosykims lore for the uninitiated is that the elven patheon isnt actually my fave dragonage-ism . the deep roads is#i am soooo categorically obsessed with whatevers going on down there. the blights and old gods the lyrium the titans even the old thaigs#ALL of it#i need EVERYTHING and EVERYONE to always be forced to reckon with whatever is WAITING for them down there in the dark at the end of the day#like playing dao post orzammar always feels so sickening bc after that quest its like... how do u take the landsmeet seriously#how do you take ANYTHING on the surface seriously other than the blight#how do u focus on anything else besides what is directly UNDER you currently. BURROWING UP.#if i find out that orlesian mask culture had ties to the deep roads i would be like ohhhhh my fucking god keep going. tell me more lol#i have a feeling we wont be learning that much abt kal sharok in veilguard but god i hope im wrong and we do. bc i need it so bad lol#i just think its so neat. it makes my skin crawl in the best way possible#deep roads they could never make me hate you <3
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People are so resistant to learning new information about Louis on the learning new things about Louis show. And to be petty for a second it's embarrassingly obvious that it's not even about their attachment to Louis' perspective and the story as it was originally told it's about rejecting any information that doesn't work with their hiatus theories. Louis will be like "shit I remembered that wrong. I have been lying to myself a little because the truth both hurts and fucks with my self image and the story of Us I have been telling myself to cope. And yet I care so profoundly about every detail and especially this specific thing. The truth of this matters to me because her story matters to me. I want you use the more accurate take" and people will be like "wow fake. probably his delicate little mind malfunctioning." Louis will be like "man in retrospect I have made a bunch of shitty choices, and I might have made them under extraordinarily fucked up circumstances but they were still mine. And I find I value being a person who makes active choices and I want to own those choices and after years of lying to myself and being lied to by both my husbands and on a minimum of at least one occasion having my literal memories altered I want to learn to live honestly. For myself. I want to become a person who tells the truth at least to himself." and they will be like "a regression. sad days." girl you just don't like the show it's fine.
#press says iwtv#the projection and willingness to read against the text#is. fine honestly business as usual in fandom but for real let my man be like i have agency and i do things#or like don't tbh i am iffy on how this show handles abuse! i think it's so valid to be like wow. about that#i don't know how i feel about the revisits or how much lestat#'s perspective matters. but it does matter! he's half of it#and i do not know if they are going to pull that off.#but tbh i think the story half the fandom has made up in their heads#is actually worse on that topic it is so infantilizing and demeaning and it makes my skin crawl when i catch it outside the corner#of my eye
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#sorry ignore this it’s post-election venting.#like just completely unproductive doomerism I need to get off my chest#ok real talk I have been feeling so hopeless and dead and depressed since the election.#I hate this country and I don’t think it can be fixed. not meaningfully in my lifetime.#I think I need to leave this place but im not financially able and im a transmasc person in a red state#with unsupportive parents.#I’ve given up hope on the idea that ‘ppl here are generally good and just misled into voting for the worse of the 2 evils’ and know just#feel these people are subhumanly stupid. beyond saving. no hope. they are voids. cesspits. empty headed useless ontologically evil braindead#soulless husks. it is useless to try to reason with them or inform them or convince them of anything. they are lost causes. it’s better#to leave this country while they rot in the dying empire They chose to make this bad.#they Want this. they Want fascism. they don’t care about other ppl#they are individualism poisoned Americans with no interest in a better future.#I hate them. I hate Americans. I hate my family. I hate my community.#none of it is worth fighting for anymore. they are lost causes.#the best course of action is to leave. but I can’t so im stuck with these fucking useless morons#so until then I have to rot with them. im stuck in this fucking tar pit of a country#with these fucking tar pits of ppl#illiterate fucking rednecks and functional alcoholic suburbanites. the fucking moldy white bread of humanity#I hope we all die. we deserve this.#useless fucking dnc allergic to winning.#barely coherent braindead voterbase. useless fucking male loneliness truther incels#the world would be better off if this country was fucking nuked off the map.#sorry silly fandom mutuals for being a whiny american. but things r materially going 2 get so much worse for me and my friends next year#project 2025 is terrifying and trump wants to put tariffs on everything which is going to cause prices of everything 2 skyrocket even more#and just knowing ppl are reveling in the ‘liberal tears’ aka ppl being upset that their lives r about 2 get worse makes my skin crawl#and makes me nauseous. these ppl are not human#they don’t care about Palestine they don’t care about Ukraine they don’t care about Sudan#and they don’t care about trans ppl gay ppl any racial minorities#some of them Are racial minorities and want 2 separate themselves from the ‘bad ones’#im just fucking disgusted by the ppl here voting against their own interests bc they r fucking dumb and misinformed.
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i miss posting and making and engaging with ieytd content but I will be honest sometimes it feels alienating. as a lesbian.
#bee's buzzing#ieytd#i dont know.. its probably just me being Strange. but.#the Main guy in the fandom is juniper. and he's interesting! but. i don't... think about him as often#and when i do it's never in the shipping / x reader context i see so frequently in the tags.#i dont ship him with agent phoenix because. my agent is an it/its dyke. so i dont really engage in that side of fandom#i also dont think about the handler as often because. idk i just think about the women more!#but juniper and agent phoenix and the handler are like. the only people i see talked about often#which is fine!! people like them. i also like them just. not in the same way/to the same extent.#im here for the women. but. they're not talked about often at all :[#when they are it's usually briefly in passing.#they get the worst of the mischaracterization too imo. because people just do not give them the same depth as they like to give-#- charas like john. it makes me kinda sad tbh.#and also the fandom does not. seem to make much space for f/f content.#i know like. the handful of other people who make f/f content for ieytd.#and. god. idk im still honestly a bit ticked off by one solaris post that 1) was not a good analysis i will be quite honest.#it was very surface level. like really basic info and also iirc not entirely accurate? i cannot remember anymore#but. 2). it started by saying 'nobody talks about solaris outside of fabbylaris' and that still makes my blood boil.#like. not to vaguepost but. the fabbylaris posters ARE talking about solaris outside of a shipping context. please. please#also there was a whole Thing a while back where people started being strange about non-feminine nonbinary agent phoenix.#and as a nonbinary butch-adjacent dyke. it made my skin crawl!!! im NOT feminine and idk why making agent phoenix not feminine is.#apparently Bad to a certain subset of the fandom#sorry but im a dyke and i WILL make the player insert protag a butch lesbian who doesnt use she/her.#and if you have a problem with that please think about Why people making the player insert nonbinary and androgynous/Vaguely Masc is-#- such a problem to you. and whether that is alienating to the trans people in the fandom.#okay. im normal now. goodnight.
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unpopular capri opinion of mine no one asked for:
i don’t give a fuck about erasmus and kallias. nothing on this earth could make me give a fuck about erasmus and kallias. in fact i actively dislike erasmus and the way he’s written :/
#laurent is stronger than me fr i would not have had the patience he had for that boy#i still would have tried to help him bc nobody deserves the treatment he received but my god. i wouldn’t have been happy about it#it’s rotten work. especially to me. especially if it’s you [erasmus]#his whole deal just makes my skin crawl#ik he’s supposed to be like the personification of pure innocence but that’s more than partly the reason why i can’t stand him#and he’s like genuinely happy to be a slave???? boy WHAT?#he’s not written like a real person#and he infuriates me to an illogical degree#plus the whole erasmus and torveld situation makes me sick i hate it so much#it’s psychological horror to me#captive prince#capri critical#i apologize to erasmus lovers i understand that we’re supposed to love him im just built different i just can’t do it
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#survived blood test humiliated self again by getting extremely nervous at the last second bjut#didnt try to escape this time#also idk how to describe this sensation to my parents but afterwards i feel really Gross#like i get home and im making sounds and theyre like ur being dramatic it didnt/doesnt hurt#like no it doesnt hurt more than the pinch and radiating soreness after...i do feel extremely disgusted and disgusting though idk why#like i want to crawl out of my skin and into a corner away from the injection site like it just feels gross!!! i dont know!!#anyway they gave me a lollipop after like here. since u wanna be a child.#(thjats a joke they were nice and im excited to consume it but ykwim. feels a bit embarrassing on some level...#that i got so nervous before and during...)#okey yey im going to try not to move my arm much lest i get incredibly bizarrely disgusted at the sensation and get some more sleep#talkys
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Look I'mma be honest every time twd kills off a long-beloved character at this point I'm just
#what's the point even#every time y'all kill off a character I just lose a reason to care#I'm just here for Carol and Daryl and Michonne's family#I dont rly care for Magna and Yumiko#Luke is fine#I like Connie but. that might just be because she's friends with Daryl idk#I'm still mad at Eugene#I don't care for Rosita#Gabriel and Aaron are cool I guess#Ezekiel's dying of cancer so. bye.#I like Jerry but we don't spend much time with him and I don't rly care#I'mma blast through the rest of this and tune back in for wenever Rick comes back lmao#christ god they used to have so many characters. so many actual good characters.#I'd say they didn't need to do us like that but a lot of those deaths were significant plot points#but then the show just kept going#and also a lot of those deaths were lame and stupid#like Tyreese. And Carl. T-Dog's death was so pointless it made me forget about him.#what was ever the point of Noah#they didn't have to do Enid like that#also! Alpha sucks. she's not a fun villain I just don't like her she makes my skin crawl#the govenor pissed me off more than anything but at least he was somewhat compelling#Alpha's just a child-beater and she whispers all cartoony fake-southern directly into my ears and I can't#I'm still enjoying the show but lol yeah I get it now#twd liveblog#the walking dead spoilers
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I'll make a bigger post about it later (bc I'm sleepy rn) but!! please do not call me a girl anymore (especially on anon), I am using they/them more often irl and want to feel seen/validated in my interactions on here!!
also thank u thank u thank uuu to all my enby friends on here for helping me realize that I'm enby too :) ♡♡
#need to update my pinned post sometime bc i haven't really changed in since i made it.. hmm..#I've just been called girl on anon so fucking much recently it's making my skin crawl#angel talks
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I wish i could get paid for hyperfixating on mdzs and thats it
Like 100$ per thought
#i hate applying for jobs so much it makes my skin crawl#whyyy are they so picky if theyre sooooo understaffed#whyyyy do i have to go through a 10 step process and like 3 different tests for yall to be like. so why do u want this job?#i dont.#mdzs#original thots
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#my parents are here and like#i surpassed my contact quotient with them about 3 weeks ago but this week has been way too much#and right now im seconds away from screaming at them#and they keep making things worse and im so tired and done and mostly so so so angry i wanna crawl out of my skin#and all that is shit by itself but we have a potential roommate comjng over tonight so i have to act nice and calm#i just dont have the energy anymkre#im sucked dry#like a brittle skeleton#also i still have to pick up my meds#and ill hopefully have an hr to decompress before dinner#but no time between dinner and the meetjng snd basically i just wanna cry#and smoke and get drunk
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some of y’all are so weak when it comes to being horny. excuse me if you think that nobody can be into a milf young man pretending to be an old man with the prudiness of a fine young mistress, excuse me if you think the only way men can be attractive is if they’re peak gender role—muscled and abbed for days. what, you think I’m pretending to want to IMPREGNATE Shizun???? you think only a man designed to be a male power fantasy harem protagonist can be fuckable? stop projecting
don’t get me started on those who make Shen yuans prior self unimaginably pretty. fashionable clothing with tasteful glasses and a beautiful two block haircut and an ulzzang face.
don’t talk to me until you’ve thirsted imagining a horribly ugly incel Shen Yuan with a NON trendy short buzz cut that makes his fucking hair spiky thanks to how asian hair texture works, a weak chin, those terrible thin rectangle glasses that most real life nerds seem to land on, and an anime shirt ugly jacket combo that I saw everywhere growing up in a Asian American high school.
the algorithm brainrot has gotten to you if you can’t imagine old Shen Yuan that way, tbh. Mans was a lying flat syndrome hikkikimori neet aka an incel aka likely not the most interested in the extremely niche beauty standards that the algorithm pushes onto you, and trust me I’ve seen my share of Asian dudes that look like how I’ve described. God, I go on here and I feel like I’m TOO weird and freaky for thinking that Asian guys don’t gotta look like Pinterest boys to be beautiful.
#like I’m not saying prior Shen Yuan couldn’t clean up well#just that he had no incentive to#I just see so much content about calamitous beauty Shen Yuan that I’m bored#I come from the disco elysium fandom. ugly ass men were fuckable there#here everyone is a supermodel and it makes my skin crawl. especially the fan casts I see. WHY DID YOU MAKE HIM A WHITE MAN 😭😭#I find Shen Yuan so interesting that I think beauty takes that away from him#like I don’t want people to fall in love with him because of the halo effect. I want to love him because he’s dumbass you’d study in a lab#his body is so immaterial to who he is#maybe it’s my ace spec bias that I think this way#Shen qingqiu can be beautiful but Shen yuan I wish could be human#ugh it’s like… beauty is easy. finding beauty in that social media mass produced slop is fast food for the soul#it’s so meaningful to your soul when you go a little out of your comfort zone and beauty there#my wish fulfillment is not for someone beautiful but to become obsessed with a weird little freak
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