#that it becomes a piece of art im attached to and then i want to share it even though its SO NICHE ITS ALWAYS SO NICHE im so sorry to do th

[ladybeug]

Alright so

It has been about 24 hours since i finished @peachcitts fanfiction metamorphosis and i spent at least 3 of those hours making a fanmix.

Listen, Im sorry, this is just who I am, Im someone who wants to make a playlist about a specific iteration of ml characters. Especially if there are some grey morals up in there.

read the fic, listen to the fanmix, follow me under the cut thats where the party is

...and by party I mean analytical summary of each song.

I'm about to talk about some of these choices I made in depth, as a treat for myself. An indulgence. I'll keep the fic references high level but there may be some theme/tone spoilers so real talk go read the fic and meet me back here.

@peachcitt I know I tagged you but this will get long you do not have to read it or acknowledge this homage just know I appreciated your story and thought a lot about it.

so.

the whole playlist is meant to be listened to start to finish, its half the tragedy and half the hard work to get your life right side up and the rewards.

I actively tried not to put Cry for Judas on here and i did ANYWAYS

its on so many of my playlists already, I'm loose with this song. But frankly if i could only keep it on one I would keep it on here. I mean I just don't think any other adrien iterations do things just to see how bad they'll make him feel QUITE like this one and i just HAD to have that as the first line of lyrics in the playlist.

I'm just also obsessed with sad and angry, can't learn how to behave?? The tragic acceptance of being unable to be good??

find me a better match. this song had to be on here and it had to be first.

Your Ghost - this might be the only song thats only about Marinette which is a crime because I really connected with her pov but the truth is that this is an adrien fanmix and i need to accept that.

But for real the acceptance but inability to move on in this song is just perfect.

Can't Lose - maybe the angriest song on here? A little angrier than I was going for but I had to keep this one though because, I mean, "I'm thinking I can't move if there isn't somewhere else to go?" like, the, 'sure what im doing is bad but what else IS there' of it, I mean, what can I even say. It had to be on here.

If you only listen to one song on here listen to Animal Mask.

It's a song about partners in a wrestling match written as a metaphor for when John Darnielle's wife was in labor, and its so tender and sweet, and frankly it sounds like it could have been written for metamorphosis for like every single flashback of ladybug and chat noir.

I could quote every line and be like 'this is them' but like, 'hold on,' I cried, 'I'll be right there', pulled your mask down through your hair. they won't see you, not until you want them to. What am I supposed to say?? It moves me deeply I'm having emotional problems please come join me. Every other song on this playlist doesn't matter.

Anyways intermission, while we're here, let me share this experience that I had today with you:

I did then proceed to count, was appropriately ashamed that about 25% of the playlist was mountain goats, and extremely painfully chose to remove 'oceanographer's choice'.

[tangent about Oceanographers Choice vs Haunted House]

As obsessed as I am with going straight from the unbearably tender memory in animal mask to oceanographer's choice, first line: "well, guy in a skeleton costume, walks up to a guy in a superman suit, runs through him with a broadsword", the anxious switch in music, and then straight into a song about a fucked up guy fighting the woman he is still complicatedly in love with.... and he doesn't know how else to be....

oh no, listen, as I typed that I half convinced myself to add it back in again

but I won't because I even more love the transit of animal mask to the shrill and tense line in Haunted House, "I was buried in the summer, all those parties ago", and then a confused and hysterical song about dissociation and loss of control in a world where nobody seems connected to what you're going through. The tone is more ungrounded, and scared, and less resigned. Which matches what I was going for - I tried to avoid songs that were just like... "yeah i'm evil >:) thats my identity"

[end tangent]

Little Pistol I feel like I barely have to justify, but I will say what really sold me is the reference to 'I want what's best for me, and I think I know just what that means'. But then also the slight change in tune at the end? Delicious?

The Run and Go, just read the fic ok

I Wanna Get Better is one that honestly feels like it doesn't fit perfectly but I'm really drawn to a sharp turning point in the playlist from 'bad and spiraling' to 'desperately clawing my way up' which is how reading the fic felt at a certain point, and this song feels like the perfect tonal shift and has the end-of-a-movie screaming conviction that I want. Its also just so good

Do it Anyways might be the second most important song... third most important? on this fanmix. The frantic, panicky music matched with the unwavering conviction to improvement is so unmatched honestly and if we're talking about how hard it is to be your best when you feel your worst, oh my god. Read the fic, listen at 2:44 and meet me back here and there's nothing else I even need to say

Absolute Lithops Effect.... I tricked you, this is also a mountain goats song :) its a cover though so I'm not counting it.

This is one of the most beautiful songs about hope for the future and growth that I know its very important to me. The title of the playlist comes from this song. Here's what you need to know about it:

Lithops are these:

They grow so slowly they don't look like they're growing at all. But they are.

Love Love Love: Ugh don't talk to me about love love love. I'm not going to explain how this connects to the fic. It does, I'm right. There's nothing I can say about this that can't be said better by Mr. Mountain Goats himself:

"The point of the song is, you know, that we are fairly well damaged by the legacy of the Romantic poets--that we think of love as this, you know, thing that is accompanied by strings and it's a force for good, and if something bad happens then that's not love. And the therapeutic tradition that I come from--I used to work in therapy--you know, also says that it's not love if it feels bad. I don't know so much about that. I don't know that the Greeks weren't right. I think they were--that love can eat a path through everything--that it will destroy a lot of things on the way to its own objective, which is just its expression of itself, you know. I mean, my stepfather loved his family, right? Now he mistreated us terribly quite often, but he loved us. And, you know, well, that to me is something worth commenting on in the hopes of undoing a lot of what I perceive as terrible damage in the way people talk about this--love is this benign, comfortable force. It's not that. It's wild, you know?" — NPR interview with Linda Wertheimer, 14 May 2005

Metamorphosis: okay this one I added to make myself laugh but I also stand by it thematically

SUPERBLOOM: Don't we all deserve a little celebration for the hard work we do?

Anyways this is my fanmix, if you read to here I love you and you're welcome for all the mountain goats songs I peeled off of here that I didn't even tell you about. I didn't even put heel turn 2 on here. Whoops ok now i've told you about that one.

[angel---eater]

very much related to my text post from earlier today- and my general tone and feelings abt this while writing is just like, neutral thoughtful retrospectiveness bc im an oldhead in fandom and ive seen a lot of shifts in online culture. so this is basically me doing a pseudo-anthropology amateur hour thing about what ive seen and also partook in when i was a tween/teenager. but i do actually think i know why so many ppl get really fuckin nasty and petty about ships and headcanons beyond, yknow, the bullshit fake morality dischorse thats just ship wars with extra excuses to enact cruelty- which is that everyone in fandom, but particularly fanartists on tumblr/twitter with a big following who have had a big following for years, are

1) extremely attached to their headcanons and how they view a text/canon (reasonable and human, thats how fandoms work), and

2) because theyre so extremely attached to their headcanons and personal lens they think they're the only one in the fandom whos 100% correct, who has all the answers, who has the ultimate understanding of xyz. in this case homestuck.

and i think its particularly bad in the homestuck fandom because theres so much to analyze. homestuck is a CHUNKY piece of media. its been going for ages, its had so much time to mature and breath as a piece of art. its not for casual fannish folks. even if you go into it expecting a chill and mild time you usually come out the other end with ur hair smoking and with a thousand yard stare. and like, i dont think this is a bad thing necessarily, but it becomes a bad thing when

3) bc the fandom is old, there are a considerable amount of fanartists with large followings who all think theyre the only one whos 100% correct and that their ideas are 'closest to god', meaning closest to the creators ideas

and finally- 4) their following gives these popular fans a constant stream of yes-manning which then leads to dogpiling on anyone who dares to disagree with the popular fanartist's headcanon, or even when anyone just has a different one, a disagreement isnt rlly needed. the headcanon can be anything up to and including smth like height btw, i have seen this happen

and theres also the core of this, which is that way too many fandoms seems to have forgotten what the term headcanon even MEANS. theres too much emphasis on the '-canon', which actually doesnt mean a fuckin thing when it comes to headcanons. its playing imaginary on top of something already imaginary. i dont think dirk strider being intersex is anywhere close to canon for example. honestly i dont even think dirk strider was intended to be written as anything but a cis perisex boy. but its my headcanon, which is a bubbled thing relative to me that i like messing around with in AUs

the thing about art is that no one in the audience is or will ever be ''100% correct''. no one in the audience will ever know what the creator of a piece was actually thinking of when they made it. the only one who has total and complete understanding of any work is the creator of said work, and even then thats not a given if the creator doesnt actually want to think abt everything theyve created. and i think thats okay and normal!

i really really really want to see less ppl in fandom wanting to be Correct and wanting their headcanons to be Hard Unignorable Confirmed Canon so they can be smug abt 'guessing correctly' and more ppl just wanting to have fun and explore a work from multiple angles. together. like thats actually what a fandom does, historically. we're at an arts and crafts table. ive never considered transmasc jade before for example. shes usually a trans girl in my stuff. but transmasc jade is a concept that fuckin rocks and that i now love a lot bc i saw it pop up and be explored within fandom! esp bc trans guy jade is really adorable alongside june. they swapped!

it reminds me of the fuckin 'blue curtains' thing, disregarding bad faith anti-intellectual bs nonanswers. the curtains are blue bc blue represents sadness, loneliness, want, comfort, the sky, the ocean. theyre blue bc blue is the character's favourite colour and the author wanted them to want it in their living space. theyre blue bc its the AUTHORS favourite colour and they just like using it to paint pictures either visually or with words. all of these are correct analysis of why a character's curtains could be blue. theres no wrong answer there when it comes to us as the audience thinking about art. the actual wrong answer is attacking anyone who thinks the blue curtains are blue for a different reason than you do, or that they hold any meaning at all

[tostadamika]

Daniel Watches She-Ra

& The Princesses Of Power

-S1E3- 'Razz'

Todays' She-Ra Watchthrough Art: Look I have been having a real shit week or so let me just bullshit this one thanks

Dumb question but why is Glimmers mom British? Also this is probably just me but it looks like her wings are attached to her hair & I can't stop thinking about it.

Oh also yo the theme song?

Yeah that's pretty swell.

A big step up from the original cartoon which was just.....sad? It's just like a sad attempt of being a cool retro cartoon theme song. It fails to live up to any of the greats of decades past.

TMNT 87? Iconic. Badass. Groovy. Radical.

Transformers? Iconic as well. Absolutely fucks.

The Super Mario Bros. Super Show? Fucking ART that makes Hans Zimmer look like an absolute fucking dork.

Sonic Underground? LITERALLY THE GREATEST FUCKING PIECE OF MUSIC EVER COMPOSED BY MANKIND.

80s She-Ra? It's like watching a cat spray diarrhea across my carpet for a solid minute. It's just sad.

Okay so I literally don't know any of their names but uh-

These two. These two evil goons right here.

Are-

Okay so are they like gay? I don't know why but my brain saw this & went "Is this dude dating that lizard? are they going to smooch?"

I have no evidence or any proof to back up my claim here.

But I'm gonna just assume these two are gay & smooching & holding hands & stuff.

Anyways these goon squad characters are lame, also fuck that one girl who was bullying Cat-Ra, like, damn. The fuck is her problem?

Like leave that cat alone she's a fucking cat. Who bullies a cat??

Fuck you!!

Yeah so the only two goons I find myself enjoying are these two because I just get a strong feeling that they might be gay.

Again, I have no proof or evidence. But I'm gonna just say that they are anyway because I decided that I want to & you can't stop me.

Also one of them is a lizard dude. Like I said, that objectively makes him cool as fuck because reptiles are rad as hell.

ALSO GLIMMER & ADORA ARE SO GAY??

LIKE- OKAY FIRST OFF THIS POSE ABOVE THIS SENTENCE? THAT AIN'T A POSE OF A STRAIGHT PERSON. SHE'S AT THE VERY LEAST BI OR LESBIAN OR SOMETHING. BUT NAH THAT POSE IS GIVING ME VERY HEAVY FAG VIBES /POS

GOD THEY'RE GAY THEY'RE GAY THEY ARE GIRLFRIENDS IDC

I fucking squealed at this they're SO IN LOVE AAAAAA

GOD THEY ARE SO GAY

SHE'S BEING SO GAY JUST TALKING ABOUT ADORA/SHE-RA

GAY?? GAY

REAL

IF THEY DONT KISS & HOLD HANDS BY THE END IM GOING TO PISS ON MY NEIGHBOURS MAILBOX

POV: Glimmer introduces you to her wife (she's magic & can become very tall & glows bc she's just cool like that)

Also I like, find She-Ra so fucking funny from the design itself?

She's just.....tall. She's a tall lass. Big. Large. Massive. A Tree.

Like, the fact that she's just....big. Like this is a needed change for her transformation. Being taller is an essential part of it.

One of her magical powers is just being really tall I guess. Like that's part of the transformation, she gets BIG. So that's just considered a power, because it makes her taller.

Being a tall fuck is considered a magical ability in this universe.

Also why did this episode just turn into Pixars' Brave (2012) for the middle part? I'm not upset I'm just confused bc I didn't expect to be hit with this sudden flashback to 2012 shit. But I like this old lady.

But (good job daniel you used but twice in a row, you're so good at writing you stupid fucking idiot-) I just kept being reminded of Brave while watching. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I haven't watched Brave in like a decade. Like, damn though, this part just reminded me of it a lot & I feel it's worth mentioning.

I should rewatch Brave sometime.

AHEM-

SHE'S SO FUCKING CUTE I WANT TO CRY SHE'S LITERALLY THE SCRUNKLY SCRIMBLO BLORBO AND ALSO A FAGGOT. I LOVE HER. PROTECT THIS SPARKLY FAGGOT & HER MAGICAL WIFE.

GRAHHHHHHH

Whore-Dak Update:

Okay Hordak, you get points just because you told Shadow Weaver to go fuck herself. That's incredibly based & awesome of you. To not only tell the wizard bitch to shove her stupid fucking shadow magic fart clouds up her ass. But you also were like "Hey angry lesbian cat, you get a promotion because you're epic" & that's so real.

I respect a villain who doesn't bully cats for no reason.

(other than because you're a huge bitch cough shadow cunt cough)

You're still nowhere near being Skeletor. But you are definitely a far better villain than the original 80s Hordak was. Keep it up buddy.

[hms-no-fun]

i both really wish (and dont wish) cohost had a similar ask system to tumblr because im 300% more comfortable on that website than this one but ive had this particular burning question since i binge read godfeels during a covid ridden fugue

The more general version of this question is: how has optiministDuelist been involved in the writing of godfeels 3.1? (or even the future parts you're working on, if you can do so without spoilers)

The more specific version that makes this a question better suited towards you rather than shooting the question towards optimisticDuelist, and is rather a series of questions extrapolating on the first one is: why did you involve them? are they helping you write dirk or jake? are they providing input/advice? and that goes towards other people you've had help with the project too, if they're comfortable with being spoken about - i was just a fan of od's analyses and was surprised to see his name attached to godfeels! in fact im so curious about the nature/process of collaboration in godfeels it seems reductive to even try to condense it into questions that would be easier/faster to answer, in that i fear that what i put in will be what i get out, and that logically it's silly of me to bank on the fact that you might go more in depth than how these questions may imply on first glance. i fear my words make no sense and rather instill anxiety into the reader. anyway these are more like guidelines for something i was hoping you could talk about

oooooo this is a good one! i've written a fair amount about my collaborations in the past. here's a post where i talk about working with taz on chapter 8.2. here's a post where i talk about working with janet girlpillz on chapter 8.6. and here's a post where i talk about working with julia on the nsfw interlude 'stomach'! and then for bonus points, here's a piece my gf zoe wrote about working with me on the first official godfeels art in chapter 7.

but you want more, so here's more.

to start with, taz and i have been friends for some years now! back in early 2019 i was on the hbomberguy donkey kong 64 stream where i (briefly) tried to defend homestuck, which i guess gained me some form of notoriety/infamy. i can't remember if it was taz or kate who reached out to me first but i know taz liked my stuff (and i liked his!). then kate had me on pgen, i joined the pgen server, we all started gaming together and talking about homestuck in group chats. this period, pretty much through the entirety of 2019, is when i went from feeling like i had zero grasp on homestuck to becoming cohost of an at-the-time popular homestuck theory podcast! it's funny going back to my first appearance on pgen because you can tell i was so in over my head. i couldn't remember the names of the hiveswap trolls and still didn't even really know all the homestuck trolls by name. AND I OPTED OUT OF TALKING ABOUT VRISREZI LMAO. oh how turned the tables did the tables did turn

[[[oh god i just realized the pgen website expired and i'm not sure if the eps are still up anywhere... i should talk to kate about that lmao]]]

anyway, i actually talked to taz a bunch when i was first writing godfeels 1!

shortly after this we all did a stream for the launch of the epilogues with folks from the pgen server as well as hiveswap writer/director aysha u farah. i played gamzee lmao i still have the clown horn app on my phone from that

i guess i don't really know to what extent any of this is common knowledge anymore now that i think about it! this feels sort of superfluous to me but i guess this was FOUR YEARS AGO lmao

early godfeels straight up would not have existed without all these people. i cannot stress enough that literary obsession is a social contagion. i was not born a homestuck, i was made. and i think maybe some of the extremities of gf2 especially feel a little weird or dated these days, because on top of everything else godfeels was responding to it was also responding to the particularly toxic 2019-era vriscourse. so a big part of june's confrontational nature came from me being fucking sick of the baby's-first-conservatism that took root in the wider fandom when us cancelable queers had the audacity to like problematic womens and not apologize for it. i won't say anymore about that because like, whatever, it's all dead and buried now even if the ghost lingers. that ghost will have its day eventually! but not anytime soon.

ANYWAY, so, going back to the beginning even though i wrote godfeels alone, it came about in a context of lengthy conversations with other homestuck theorists. so when gf3 started to blow up in scale and become less about my trauma specifically, it made a lot of sense to broaden my horizons and get some new blood into the mix. the posts i linked at the start will fill in a bunch of gaps for you there, i think. it’s worth noting that a bunch of us already had a history of at least attempting to collaborate. we had a thing building for a while like a visual novel with one choice that was basically, what if we wrote every possible version of “transgender john” and just had them all together as branching paths. this was before some of the broader fandom really dug their heels in on the reactionary transphobia, after which point i at least lost some of my taste for that project. maybe we could come back to it someday, we wrote some cool stuff for that...

as far as my collaborative philosophy goes, idk. i first started writing fiction on the zeldapower forums in the early 2000s and developed a thick skin for critique pretty fast as a result. i wrote and rewrote constantly, shared what i could with friends and talked about plot/story/character ideas with them. when i realized in year two that writing school had nothing to offer me, i transferred to film. but i did so explicitly not wanting to be a director or writer or anyone above the line, really, because i didn't know what i wanted to make or even if i wanted to make something of my own. what i wanted was to help other people realize their own visions and see how they did it. so that's how i ended up working grip/electric in the oklahoma film industry, because it turns out all it really takes to get your foot in the door is to lose the ego and make yourself useful. it helps that i am cursed with constant psychological awareness of absolutely everything in my vicinity at all times, so i gained a reputation for being practically psychic the way i could know exactly what my bosses wanted lighting-wise before they even said anything.

i miss that job tbh. i loved the people, i felt more physically and psychologically fulfilled than at any job i've ever had. oklahoma has a relatively small film scene so it wasn't long before i was on a first name basis with most everyone working on my side of the state. when a crew is all on the same page, man, there's nothing like it. not every set can or should be like this, but some of my favorite experiences were on sets where it felt like everyone was the director. the director had their own vision but they knew how to adapt it to the location, to the ideas of technicians and craftspeople who had their own insights. a good director knows how to let their collaborators take ownership of the work, even when they reject their suggestions! i loved film work and i think about getting back to it sometimes. problem is it's extraordinarily physically demanding work and it leaves no time for anything else. 12 hour days five days a week minimum. i quit because i wanted to focus on video essays, one thing led to another, now we're here and homestuck changed my life lmao

so that's where i come from as writer. i have very strong opinions about my work and what it means and what it needs to do, but i try very hard not to have an ego about it.

the way we work together is pretty simple. when i finish the first draft of a chapter i’ll post it to the work server, and then folks will leave comments. but also, every member of the team has their own little corner of godfeels that they’ve adopted. taz is the dirkjake whisperer, julia is the queen of dana and the upsilons, etc. so when i write these characters i’ll ask for their insight, and invite them to modify or add to the scene as they see fit. sometimes this means prose, sometimes this means dialogue. our understanding is that nothing goes in the final published work without my approval, but that also that nothing is entirely off the table until we’ve had a conversation about it.

i get a lot of my storytelling philosophy from the tv show LOST, where every question was introduced with an explanation in mind but with the caveat that those explanations only remained true until the writers came up with something better. this gets back to something i said yesterday about needing a story to be dynamic and not planning things out too much in advance. for more detailed explanations, here’s a post i wrote about my hooks & hats philosophy, and then here’s another post about my process in general. but basically, i have this massive web of interconnected plotpoints going out very far into the future right? so when someone makes a suggestion i know exactly how possible it is to fit within that framework. i know how much information about any given hook has been introduced, so i know whether one explanation has been seeded too thoroughly to be changed.

but the flipside of that is that now my collaborators are inventing OCs! taz created a fantastic character named xifus that i can’t wait to write more of in 3.2A. we talk about this setting all the time, we talk about what makes sense for it, what would be cool, what mistakes would absolutely RUIN IT, how we can avoid the mistakes of our predecessors, all that fun stuff.

collaboration is all about honesty. godfeels has become what it is because we’re all fans both of homestuck, of anime, of broader culture... and of godfeels. my dirty secret is that i love writing godfeels because i’m its biggest fan. it frequently does not FEEL like i am composing this story, but rather that it is just happening to me. always i am wrangling cats in this petting zoo. i don’t want to be making this thing for the rest of my life but also this story is SO COOL and we are all chomping at the fucking bit to get to the upsilons and so much other shit besides. is that egomaniacal? idk. i think the idea that you’re supposed to be neutral leaning negative on your own work is kinda bullshit. but also, i don’t see the creation of art as bound to suffering or even being a process that requires much expertise. writing isn’t magic, even if it can feel that way sometimes.

i talk a lot about my work and how i write because i want to help demystify the process and try to show that it’s a learnable craft same as anything else. imo the preponderance of mediocre-to-great artists is not proof of Exceptional People but rather that it’s actually dirt simple to become a mediocre-to-great artist. all you need is time and money and access to the right tools! which is why so many mediocre artists are the rich failsons of killfactory millionaires. which is why every artist should be pro student debt relief, pro public transit, pro affordable housing, pro welfare, pro socialized medicine, pro deprivatizing mass media, and pro wide-ranging government arts funding. our nightmare neoliberal media landscape is the result of decades of making the creation of art & culture economically inaccessible to the working class, hence everything being set in rich suburbs with giant houses, hence the inescapability of pro-capitalist pro-nationalist messaging, hence the refusal of all national media to talk to trans people about trans issues, because only the middle and upper classes get to touch the levers of public perception and they have a direct economic incentive to convince the working class that they are middle class.

the notion that this stuff is at all mysterious or naturally the purview of those who can afford expensive degrees is just the narrative they sell to working people to cover up the fact that once you ascend past a certain income bracket, absolutely everything is just nepotism. it’s all just rich guys giving their rich friends and their rich friends’ stupid fucking libertarian manchildren high paying jobs forever. that’s why they never go away, that’s why they always fail up, that’s why trans women and queer people can get bullied off the face of the internet for half-joking that a fictional woman who did a murder was blameless in her crimes while grifters who moonlight at raytheon can weather blow after blow and stir the pot and solicit donations they don’t need and never disappear no matter how hated they are, because they HAVE money and they HAVE security so none of this shit is a real threat to anything besides their shallow fucking egos. which, you know, to be fair, threatening a rich person’s ego is basically the same thing as killing a man in cold blood, so who can say what is wrong or right?

there’s obviously a lot of complicating factors to the anticapitalist yarn i’ve spun here, but that’s how i see it. the rich want to own culture, they commodify it through copyright and box it up and insist that we are trespassers if we try to reflect those “““properties”““ through ourselves. that is, in part, a big reason why i haven’t given up on godfeels or tried to “file the serial numbers off.” i love this story and i am treating it with as much care as i would something original, because i believe this is art that stands up even with its imperfections and it’s insulting to me that “fanwork” is considered naturally lesser than “original” work when literally everything around us that is owned by disney et al was stolen from what was once an open culture. i reject the enclosure of the commons of our imagination, and andrew hussie themself quite famously said that postcanon homestuck belongs to the most conscientious and invested members of the fandom.

and frankly, even as i wish i COULD make a living off of godfeels alone, i like that my art isn’t particularly monetizable. i like that it is considered low art. i like that many people see it as shameful or a waste of time. i do not want to create a commodity. i do not want to run a business. i do not want to be famous. i want to make art that is freely available that maybe, just maybe, can help a handful of queer people deal with the shit going on in their life and have a good time in the process.

in short: we have no choice but to revolutionize the world.

UHHHH wow that got off the rails at the end there didn’t it? i love giving writing advice hahaha!

[pastelpousay]

OKAY OKAY SO IM JUST GONNA GO ON A QUICK LITTLE RAMBLE HERE ABOUT MY SELF INSERT

(I do have plenty of art of her just not like fully finish pieces of just her but if you look at my stuff you can see it 🥳🥳🥳…..please look at it and follow me-)

ButBUTBUT BUT!! I’m actually so happy I was able develop a story and slightly get rid of her y/nitis because I can’t stand her being a y/n prototype it’s killing me 💀. So first I started off thinking hmmm…what should her personality be? Or rather what should her design be because her personality and the colors she has on along with her clothes literally make up her personality (in my eyes at least color says a lot along with what they wear) sure it would be funny if she looked super outgoing and was shy or something or if she looked super shy and was really bold but I literally cannot physically do that 💀 it actually makes me feel ill. So at first I had Rina (my self insert) in like a light purple dress with some accessories, like a headband with stars and Star clips to hold up her dress (I kept the star pin but went in a bit of different direction with them) but to me that just screamed bubbly and childish to me so it kinda clashed with Hades personality or in my eyes it just kinda seemed like it would annoy him to no end💀😭and sure you could say “well it’s your self insert so you can technically do whatever” NO. IF MY MIND DOESNT APPROVE ITS NOT HAPPENING 💀 so I kinda scrapped that and I decided to put her hair up in a puff (typical black monkey shit) and I was thinking I should go with a darker colored dress cuz it just makes her seem less….idk 💀😭. It make her look more mature and I went with brown since it matched her hues a lot better (since she’s literally brown) I couldn’t do white for her because she just seemed like and npc 💀 and I didn’t wanna do any of Hades’ colors because then it just makes them look like they’re matching 💀 and I couldn’t have that yet (slow burn that’s all I need…despite the fact I drew them literally kissing the other day💀😭) ANYWAYS I changed her design a lot but yea- uhh her backstory is gonna have to wait 💀😭 shit is still in development. Everything else is too her personality is what I’m trying to set up the most because I want it to be like mine but like….with the way her design looks and I’ve already become too emotionally attached to it to change it 😭 so I just decided to make her the most awkward little Mf in the world cuz why not 🤷🏾‍♀️ she’s still shy and timid, probably on the spectrum Ngl (Hades probably asked her this after a while of talking to her) I feel like she has the capability of being funny but like that’s just by her saying the most absurd shit she could possibly think of and Hades then trying to laugh ti off like it’s no Biggie (even tho he’s in general scared for her well being) okay yea- she’s still kinda a y/n but like…not like “UwU I’m so shy love my bbg” type fashion yk- OKAY IVE RAMBLED ON WAY TOK MUCH NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE AT ALL- but if y’all followed and asked about it some time maybe I could try to make some sense of it 🥺🎀🎀🎀 OKAY OKAY IM DONE FR

[oksullen]

I SAW U ON MY NOTIFS OMG ITS BEEN SO LONG HOW ARE YOU??

I don’t know why I just saw this omg!! I’ve been good :) I’ve been working a lot and busy with classes and just everything else life has to offer 😂

Willow is almost 2 years old now!! and she’s gotten so big and she’s been much more well behaved too!!

I’ve been on and off Tumblr and usually just go on to read some stuff on my favorite fandoms which surprisingly there isn’t a lot of the things im looking for!! I’ve really taking a liking to My Hero Academia but specifically 3 characters- Best Jeanist, Edgeshot, and Stain which there is like NO new content on them!! I haven’t finished the anime yet since im more of a manga reader than an anime watcher 😔

but more on Best Jeanist- I have become addicted to his character 😭 I’ve rebranded some of my usernames to him and I have a collection of merchandise of him on my shelf!! It started as a joke but it’s not a joke anymore!! same with Stain and Edgeshot, but most of my money has gone to Best Jeanist. I’m so sad there’s not much content on him, I say I’ll just write my own but that isn’t true- LOL but that’s ok, I can just use my free time to think of silly little scenarios of him in my head!!

Here’s a picture of my current anime collection, it’s slightly outdated but you get the idea:

Not pictured is a couple One Piece things since I’ve really started to like One Piece again and a couple plushies including a plushie of Shinsuke Kita from Haikyuu because he will always be my favorite (and Tsukishima too!! remember when my user was kaleshima!!)

I’ve always been taking a liking to making an OC and just my oc overall!! She’s mainly a MHA oc with a freaky blood/guts/gore manipulation power (it’s kind dark but I think it’s cool) and omg she’s taken up so much of my time and brain space, I feel like I’ve done more in depth creation of her than of myself 😂 I’ve also been buying a lot of art commissions of her!! I’ll attach a few images below, but I like talking about her so much that if I end up coming back here I might do some writing for her since I’d love someone or some place to talk about her :) all credits to the locket artists, I don’t think any of them have Tumblr though-: (the first image is her with Best Jeanist and the last is her with Stain!!)

I also have gotten into JJK but im still new to it, only watching the first couple episodes and reading the leaks 😭 which is a GREAT way to start omg

Also, don’t you love it when old hyper fixations come back??!??! yeah, that’s me right now with Mortal Kombat!! I’ve been a fan for almost 10 years now and the new game is so good!! and the characters omg… they made them so good 😍 thankfully Tumblr has a lot on them!!

but other than some things coming and going there hasn’t been a lot of new stuff in my life but compared to last year my mood and health has been so much better which is a win in my eyes, plus im starting to like a new guy which is good because I got my heart absolutely shattered little over a year ago and I swear I thought I was never going to recover, but recovery is possible and I give myself a lot of credit for the things I’ve done despite life seemingly staying the same.

I hope to move out of my parents house soon and continue my education further and my social life and all that but ik that won’t happen until a few years which seems like forever but seeing how 2023 has gone by so fast, I have a feeling it’s going to come quicker than it seems

I always say I want to come back to writing on this app and honestly I am in need of a new hobby because yeah listening to music is great but it doesn’t get you far!! which by the way, also a hyper fixation, bands and music and all that- I am really big into Nirvana right now and plan on dressing up as the lead singer Kurt Cobain for Halloween- which is funny I am dressing up because for the first time I have no plans for Halloween!! I’ll probably just bake some goodies and watch scary movies. How is Halloween celebrated where you are, if at all? American culture is so funny- and it’s funny because America doesn’t have much culture, it’s just one big melting pot which makes it unique

Speaking of music, my favorite artists are probably Nirvana (which is a band) and so is Radiohead, Weezer, The Smiths, Ghost, and Korn (which are rock/metal bands, I really recommend them if you’re into that!!) but I also really like Melanie Martinez, Lana Del Rey, Mitski, Alex G, and a couple other solo artists (fun fact, I went to many concerts over the summer including Melanie and Weezer- they were so good!!) what kind of music do you listen to? any you recommend?!

Half way typing this too, I thought of the idea of coming back to Tumblr to write not just drabbles on my current hyper fixations but maybe some life advice and psychology stuff, I have a way with words and advice and all that even though I am considered “to young to know all this” but I see it as both good and bad having an old soul at a young age- and not to say I am a little child either, but I haven’t even been on this earth for 20 years yet, soon enough though

That all being said, I feel like a huge chapter of my life is coming to a wrap up soon and I am excited to start the new one!! I’ve been on this app forever even though I technically shouldn’t have had Tumblr as a pre-teen but hey, we all start somewhere!!

How have you been? Anything new and exciting? Or maybe something you’ve learned? I’ve been trying to learn new hobbies and I’ve started to really dig into what I want to do as a career since I have to really decided soon (I am doing community college right now which is a free 2-3 year schooling opportunity to earn credits before you go off and study a minor or major- not sure if you have that where you live and if you do it’s still probably different)

Anyways I want to study business and business management since I have taken a liking to running/leading an organization/group and coming up with marketing ideas for various groups I spend my time in- including theatre!! I have a local theatre group I work in backstage and I am the stage manager this year which is great since I want to going into management

It’s “late” where I am- actually it’s just 9:30 but I go to bed early especially when I have things to do the next day 😔 I’ll probably just use the excuse I am tired to run to Starbucks and spend my money like I always do. I really have become addicted to Starbucks and it’s only going to worsen as “Capitalism Christmas” comes next

Holidays are so silly to me too, I don’t really enjoy them because they’ve always seemed to cheesy and not like they “advertise” but I hope to make the best of it this year, even if it just ends up being me working that day and then coming home to my dog. What Holidays do you enjoy? Any certain traditions or events you’re looking forward to?

I’ve written down most of my thoughts and this has been the most I’ve written in ages!! Maybe I should answer more asks from now on to get myself into the writing kick!! 😂

I hope you’ve been well and I hope we can talk more soon!! I totally just remembered we have each other on discord too!! I changed my user to @bestkaleist (Best Jeanist reference) so if you’re confused as to who that is, it’s me!!

wishing you all the well!! 🥬

[random-blep]

Got tagged by @secret-strawberry to do these so I guess I will

1. What book are you currently reading?

-currently none, I haven't been reading any books lately. The last book I think I was reading was I was rereading Hungry, which isn't a genre I usually read. And before that was Doctor Sleep

2. What’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year?

- within the last 12 months I haven't seen any movies in theaters. The last movie I saw in theaters was probably Death on the Nile or the animated movie Adams Family 2. Though truthfully my favorite was Dear Evan Hansen.

3. What do you usually wear?

- My go to is an oversized pink shirt and pajama shorts, I value comfort a lot.

4. How tall are you?

- 5'3"

5. What’s your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

- Aquarius. And I'm not really certain of I do

6. Do you go by your name or a nick-name?

- I mostly go by Matt but lately I've been using Moth and I'm actually quite attached to that one.

7. Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

- No I have not. As a child I guess I knew what being poor was and I didn't want to be poor, so I thought I would grow up to be a doctor. Of course I'm no longer interested in pursuing that field anymore.

8. Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

- I have neither a relationship or a crush

9. What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at?

- I have a natural talent for writing , though I have quite the poor ability to hold myself to deadlines as I have trouble with the passing of time and I have issues with maintaining inspiration

10. Dogs or cats?

- I enjoy both but after having owned both of them I find cats are great companions that are much easier to care for than dogs. But truthfully I would rather own a fish

11. If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year?

- I can't decide on my art but in my writing I did a bunch of poetry this year so I'm going to pick one piece and say that I like it more than the rest. "You used to call me crazy for believing that there was something out there that could take your flesh and pretend to be you. But here we are, I am the same and you are not the girl I once knew. "

12. What’s something you would like to create content for?

- well I'm not certain in fandoms, but I do want to make more content on AO3 and truthfully one day I would like to make internet videos for fun

13. What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

- Easy Genshin Impact

14. What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

- Friendships, don't get me wrong I've made friends but just some stuff didn't work out you know

15. What's a hidden talent of yours?

- im not sure about hidden. I guess I just have an insane capability to memorize things if I try. Especially if it's an interest of mine I can commit it to memory, though I tend to forget actually important stuff.

16. Are you religious?

- No not particularly. I was raised in a religious family but I've since fell out of it. I'm not not religious, I just don't worship any deity in particular but I am very open to new beliefs and adopting them into my life.

17. What’s something you wish to have at this moment?

- Truthfully more companions to interact with :)

The questions were great, I'm not sure if these people did this already but I'll tag them and if they want to do it then they can.

@watatsumiis @qimindu @irl and anyone else who wants to do it can as well

[velvetporcelain]

hello my love — it’s me, I know I haven’t cut myself open and let my guts spill all over you lately — but there’s a good reason— one being that im emotionally alive, I can feel things— I am wiser because of these “things” — things being experiences, people, places - nouns—

please note—- i am doing okay, and i use you to spew my misunderstandings and feminine rage — okay okay sometimes hopelessness and romance too—

i have been thinking about words of gym man, and can’t help but think that he is lying to me when he says he doesn’t know how i make him feel the way he feels, or when he literally says he loves me deeply, he says when he feels rejected by me he pulls back but comes back feeling even more emotionally connected with me — hmm i am just the observer, i have rejected him many times but treat him as the human he is, trying to help him understand himself- i always have an answer for him—- he is in lust with me, he is used to getting what he wants but he does not have me so now he is acting like a rotten child that’s in a tour group at Willy Wonka’s factory——- 🏭— lol maybe i am being mean but sometimes the things he says makes sense, like the words he uses people only use when they are speaking from soul— maybe he thought he didn’t have a soul until i came around, enlightenment can be beautiful, and maybe that is why he THINKS he loves me —-> maybe it’s not about being loved by someone else—-> maybe it’s about experiencing someone else —

i want to use him. plain and simple — use him to dive deeper inside of myself, pieces and parts of me you can’t really explore solo— i am afraid, morally and physically—- what scares me is that if I didn’t have a family I wouldn’t hesitate leaving with him so he can spoil me and show me Europe - he would do anything for me, he wants me attached and affectionate— it has become a small internal struggle of push and pull— wrong and right— good and bad—- keeping myself tame with the art of detachment —

i want to experience a man like him at least once in my life.

-x

[redhairedlesbians]

arm and arm, hand in hand, a brush on the cheek, a check on the shoulder.

i have never been loved without pain. even in the hands of my best friend, she was phoenix from ashes rather than a planted garden. the type of love that springs dandelions from concrete that is watered by love and small schoolchildren on their walks home.

i want to know what it is to feel the sweetness. i want to love without fear, i want to desire without ache. i want to live in a body im proud of, i want to be known deeply and loved anyways for it.

my love has always been the thing with teeth. a bad dog. i bite when im nervous. a deer sticking out its antlers to keep you at a safe distance.

i want to be loved in a way that feels like rushing water. i want you to sweep me off my feet and trust that you’ll carry me home.

i’ve spent nights romanticizing a lover who does not exist. there is no soft boy with long hair. there is a man who kicked my dog and yelled in the face of my father. who locked me in cages and screamed at me to get out.

i’ve never been loved without danger. i’ve never been wanted without an expectation. i get on my knees before im asked because i think it will make them stay. if they can take from my body, they will need me, and they will stick around. they will use me until i am dry, and i let them, because it feels good to be wanted.

ive never truly felt pretty. too much of this, too little of that. i pick at my skin and bite my nails and pull on my hair. i place myself in costumed makeup to see if it will make anyone like me. i twirl, naked ballerina, to ask if anyone wants me.

prey animal turned wolf turned back again. i am nothing without my sadness, i am little without my poetry. art inspired by pain hung on my walls. everything hurts forever and ever.

my brain is an entity i cannot escape. i am doomed to cycle, i am doomed to becoming complacent in my being. to drag my body and see where i can take me. to be up and down and back down again, forever into oblivion.

i think i want someone to love me to prove to myself i am lovable. that if someone can see me, flaws and all, then it will be proof i deserve to exist.

i romanticize my art as a creative to make sure i am remain special. if i can give to the world through art, i will be worth something.

im not sure if what im doing is what im meant to do. i don’t know if being a doctor is where my heart is. the little girl inside of me is screaming, a fig tree full of possibilities and they all are rotting without me making a choice.

i mourn for who i was five years ago. something was taken from me that i will never get back. explosive and angry, i will cry for the kid i used to be.

i settled for less because i didn’t know any better. god, it felt so good to be loved, and i used to think id give anything to get it back. he fell back into my palms, heart and all, and i turned him away for the sake of my safety.

i’ve had so much taken from me i don’t know how else i could give. i build pieces of myself, attach to my identity and make attributions. assignment of guilt and blame and speech, give myself time to breathe and do it again.

i hope it will stop hurting someday. something in me turned numb. a place i can retreat when things get hard, a moment of solace in a huge world. billowing smoke in a clear field.

i want to be better. i want to love myself in ways i never have. i want to love because i deserve it, but i am so unbelievably lonely. i am surrounded by people, i am loved deeply. and yet, i never seem to let my walls down enough to accept it.

to be known is to be vulnerable. to be vulnerable is to put your heart out on a platter and hope the other person does not take a bite.

i wonder who i would have become if i had remained whole. i wonder if i was born that way, or if i was doomed from the start.

my body has been of constant use for my entire life. it’s something that is not entirely mine. i build myself a shield of fat armor so no one wants to touch it, and the worst part of it is that it works. i feel like if i keep my body unwantable, no one will take from me what they already have.

damn (lmao, fourth wall break)

i am funny, i am fat, i am beautiful. i am an artist. i have a big ass. i love music. boys like me. girls like me. i hate myself. i write poetry. i make things. i like to sew but never really learned how. my parents love me in a more tangible way now than they did before. my mother loves me to death.

my father wants me to draw him a tattoo for us to get matching. it will be a rocket and a moon, with the words “i love you to the moon and back.” it’s something my grandmother used to say every time before she left or hung up the phone.

my father mourns for his mother in ways i could never imagine. i miss my mother in every room she’s not in. i cannot imagine her cold.

how can we be mad at the dead? how can we atone for the sins of our parents? how can we not feel the pain after they leave?

i wonder if it will ever stop hurting. i grow around my grief, years worth of experience that huddles around it. however, inside me lays versions of myself i can only feel and not touch.

i wonder if it will ever stop hurting. will the pieces of me i lost ever grow back? are they like limbs or skin? are they gone forever? will there be parts of me you can see through for the rest of my life?

i want to be better. i really do. i want to experience life. i want to life without the fear. it follows me like a ghost. i want to be better, i want the ache to go away

[tarosin]

the great adventures of y/n and ranboo

this is an extra part to the great adventures series

summary: part two to the angst imagine (the not so great adventures of y/n tommy tubbo jack and ranboo) it’s a happier ‘ending’ please read what is written in bold

this is an “alternative ending” around 15 years into the future this doesn’t mean this is actually how the series is going to end im writing it now and including it as part of series as their friendship is already established i can confirm y/n and the group are going to have a happy ending when the series eventually comes to an end this also does not mean the series is anywhere near the end i plan on continuing the series as vlogs come out, i feel the need to confirm this now love between y/n and ranboo in this imagine is completely platonic

it had been about a month since you last streamed whereas ranboo continued to stream a few days after the fallout as he wanted to make sure you were going to be okay. even though ranboo knew this huge fallout would eventually happen, it still hurt him, especially since he knew there was no way to prevent it, the four of you in the same house mixed with the stress of being some of the most-watched content creators made living rather difficult. it was like walking on eggshells as you didn’t want to interrupt someone's stream, then there was the additional stress of obsessive fans finding out where the four of you lived, you still remember that day very vividly. you were sat in between tubbo and ranboo watching the office whilst Tommy was in an interview when you received a message from your mod.

Chris: hey y/n I received this message earlier I don’t want to scare you, but maybe get the locks changed. someone sent a message claiming this is your address *image of message from ‘fan’*

it didn’t take long for tubbo and ranboo to receive a message from their mods saying the same thing

“holy shit...”

“chances are Tommy has the message too. we shall go check around the house when Tommy is done with the interview.”

luckily no one ever showed up to the house, but the fact some people were so obsessed to the point they found your address was enough to put everyone in the house on edge. and now it was just you and ranboo in the house. you didn’t feel safe as even though ranboo promised to not let anything happen, you didn’t wanna risk it.

“we should move. there’s no point in having such a big house for two people, what are we going to use the extra space for heh? hide and seek with people who have our address. no thank you. I say we move leave this mess behind and start completely over, hell I’d feel safer in the us and that’s saying something”

ranboo agreed the house didn’t have the happiest memories attached to it anymore, it hurt walking past the hallway as it would bring back the memory of him crying into the crook of y/ns neck whilst tubbo left the house.

“let’s do it, I’ll do an early stream then we can look for houses. go take a shower. I’ll stay close to the door so you’re safe, then you can stay in my room whilst I stream, you can join me if you would like.”

“you’re being very protective all of a sudden...let me guess you got the message from our mods announcing the obsessive fans are at it again?”

“go take a shower.”

“no.”

ranboo ended up picking you up, carried you to the bathroom and turned the shower on before putting you on your feet.

“quick shower I’ll see you later.”

and with that he left the room shutting the door behind him, 30 minutes later you got changed and followed ranboo to his room ready to join him whilst he streams

“hey boo, can I join you? I kinda wanna get into streaming again.”

“I'm so glad you asked, I was going to do a face cam stream, if that’s okay?”

“of course.”

you grabbed his mask and glasses whilst he locked the door so you were both safe. “here you go.”

“thank you.”

the pair of you started the stream and it was honestly going well, you were having so much fun you forgot about all the negative things currently going on, you began to understand why ranboo continued streaming as for those 2-4 hours of streaming it felt as though everything was back to normal. 3 hours later the two of you ended stream and Twitter went crazy. tweets ranged from fans talking about how ranboo was streaming with you, how Tommy was in chat, and how tubbo was modding as people who mentioned anything about their address being leaked were banned by tubbo. the one thing that caught ranboos eye was fan art and a picture of you both from the stream captioned ‘they’re platonic soulmates your honour’ ranboo went as far to like, retweet and comment on it.

ranaltboo: glad you liked the stream it was great having y/n back, think I might make them play tattletail next stream

definitelynoty/n: isn’t that the Furby game that terrified you in 2021? bring it on boo!

Twitter went crazy over this interaction, you had finally come back to social media after months of being inactive, and it looked like you were here to stay. a month later you and ranboo moved out of the house and sold it to your aunt and her wife and their three adopted children, you explained the situation and even changed the locks for them all before they moved in.

“Please do tell us if anyone shows up who shouldn’t be. we changed the locks as you were aware- oh hello little one.”

you noticed one of their children decided to cling onto your leg

“I like your hair it’s colourful!”

“Indeed it is.”

“WOAH A GIANT!”

the little girl let go of your leg and ran to ranboo asking to be picked up, unsure of what to do he looked towards you. however, you were too busy laughing about the fact he was compared to a giant.

“I'm so sorry uh if you want to pick her up you can, you don’t have to.”

“pick me up, tall man... I want to be taller!”

ranboo ended up standing next to you with an arm around your waist whilst the child sat on his shoulders happily playing with his hair.

“ranboo do not drop that child.”

“I didn't- I didn't plan on it y/n.”

eventually, it was time to leave and the child reluctantly let go of ranboo.

“bye-bye!! hope to see you soon!”

soon enough you were at a smaller house, far away from the old house, leaving behind the negative feelings. it could only get better, a week later the pair of you had settled into the new house, it finally felt like home. you and ranboo were now streaming full time again, safe to say the two of you were thriving and closer than ever.

“so I’m thinking if I hit the sub-goal today I’ll let chat pick what colour I dye my hair.”

“make it higher, and I’ll let you cut my hair.”

“Are you being serious? oh my god!”

a few minutes later you took to Twitter to announce you were going live.

y/n: kidnapping children in the sims with ranboo psst check the subgoal.

within 20 minutes you had hit the sub-goal, chat ended up picking another random neon colour for your hair.

“right hair dye and the cutting stream will be this weekend, now let’s go back to kidnapping.”

tubbo, tommy, and jack felt awful for what happened and went back to the house where you used to live, hoping to see you there so they could apologise, tubbo knocked on the door only to be met by a young child.

“my sister watches you on twitch!”

“oh that’s lovely.. are y/n and ranboo here?”

an older woman came to the door.

“oh no, I’m sorry dear they both moved out, but they left this box and said to give it to you if you returned.”

“do you know where they moved to?”

“I'm sorry dear, I'm not allowed to tell you that information for safety reasons.”

“I understand, thanks anyway.”

they ended up going back to jacks where the three of them had been staying.

“We should open the box.”

tubbo opened the box and emptied the items onto the floor, inside was the rocks y/n handed tubbo from every trip, photos of the group, a necklace y/n had gifted to Tommy a day before the argument, and a hat y/n had taken from jack during a trip to a zoo.

“what the fuck!”

“holy shit!”

“they really kept all these in hopes we would come back?”

“and now we’re too late.”

it was now the weekend you and ranboo were ready to stream, you stood leaning on ranboo who was significantly smaller than you as you lowered the chair he sat on.

“starting stream...now.”

after the starting soon intro played, you explained what was happening to any new viewers or people who didn’t watch the stream.

“so I’m about to become Edward Scissorhands...I love that film can we watch it later?”

“yeah mhm sure!”

you didn’t know this but your ex best friends were watching and ever so often would show up in the chat.

“so boo, what are we doing with your hair today?”

“just a trim please darling?”

“This is y/ns hairdressers you get what I’m capable of!”

you ended up doing a pretty good job of cutting ranboos hair, even he was impressed.

“I didn’t doubt you for a minute!”

“mhm sure thing please don’t mess up my hair tall one!”

soon enough you had the dye on. 45 minutes later you left to wash it off, leaving ranboo to entertain stream,

“chat I think I missed some of their hair it’s okay, I own scissors, I’ll just cut it.. speaking of they did a great job, didn't they? I honestly expected them to mess up.”

a few minutes later you joined ranboo again and spent the next few hours talking with chat. tubbo, tommy, and jack stayed the entire time. they loved the fact you and ranboo were able to stay close after what happened, Tommy noticed you were still wearing the necklace he got you many years ago and spammed them chat with him tubbo and jack

Tommy: THEYRE WEARING THE NECKLACE!!

jack: so what? they clearly don’t wanna talk to us.

tubbo: shut up listen to them.

“chat why are we spamming platonic soulmates?”

“they’ve been saying it all over Twitter, look on trending y/n.”

you started to blush slightly at all the amazing artwork soon enough the stream came to an end, after saying goodbye the pair of you sat together going through fan art. unfortunately the one that caught your eye was this one twitter post where the artist had created a drawing of a piece of paper with you, ranboo, tommy, tubbo, and jack, however the paper was ripped separating you and ranboo from the others, captioned ‘it was never meant to be’ this clearly upset ranboo as he took off his mask and glasses placing them on the desk before going straight to his bed.

“boo…are you okay?”

“Are you tired of me? are you going to leave next?”

“what? no of course not! I could never get tired of you, why do you ask?”

“everyone else has left..i thought they cared about us, i knew it would happen eventually and i couldn’t stop it, i’m sorry, y/n, please don’t hate me.”

you sat on the edge of the bed looking down at the floor,

“come here.”

you watched him roll over to face you.

“you know there’s no one else who I'd rather spend the rest of my life with, right…if i hated you i wouldn’t have moved house with you. it’s not your job to fix everything and make everything better, you’re a streamer for christ sake not a therapist.”

“i guess so.. can we watch that thing you were on about for ages.”

“edward scissorhands? “

“mhm!”

you could tell he wanted to be distracted, so you agreed and put the film on, towards the end you began to get upset due to how overwhelming everything was.

“Why are you crying?”

“poor Edward.”

“come here.”

ranboo pulled you into a hug you laid there crying into his chest, he knew that wasn’t the reason you were crying, but he wasn’t about to make you tell him, luckily it didn’t take long for you to stop crying as ranboo quickly distracted you.

“ranboo..”

“yeah y/n?”

“I feel bad i didnt realise how much pressure was on you whilst everyone was arguing.”

“Hey, it’s okay, is that what’s upsetting you?”

“mhm.”

“don’t blame yourself, i’d do it all over again to keep you safe and happy..then again i didn’t do a good job on keeping you happy.”

“you did..you were always there for me even when i gave up on social media, you shared your room with me after i started receiving creepy messages from that obsessed fan, hell you even went on adventures with me even though it was clear you hadn’t been sleeping, just so we could spend time together and forget about what was happening. you mean a lot to me boo.”

“i love you.”

“i love you too bud, I’m tired.”

“go to sleep, it’s been a long day.”

“okay.”

“you just staying there?”

“yes.”

“oh, oh okay, goodnight.”

about a year later the two of you were still thriving, ranboo got you a promise ring a few months earlier.

“heh what’s this for?”

“as your best friend i promise to stay by your side and keep you safe and make sure that you’re happy, in other words you're stuck with me till the end of time.”

“boo…i really don’t know what to say.. thank you so much!”

“you don’t have to say anything!”

you ended up going out to buy him a promise ring when he started the stream and decided to take your cousins with you now that they were a little older. ranboo was doing a facecam stream when the door slammed open revealing you covering your three younger cousins ranboo not realising you were hiding them from the camera, instinctively stood up covering the camera

“ranboooooo!”

“yes you three and y/n ,what do you need?”

“we would like to watch a film!”

“Okay, i’ll go put one on, y/n will you entertain chat?”

“sure thing boo boy!”

once they left you sat fixing your hair forgetting you were wearing the ring chat noticed this and went crazy, so did Tommys group with tubbo and jack.

tubbo: that’s a ring, right??

jack: yeah looks like it.

Tommy: holy shit I always thought if anyone was gonna get married it would be tubbo and y/n, they were inseparable.

tubbo: hilarious.

jack: it could just be a ring, no one mentioned marriage tommy!

Tommy: we should congratulate them.

jack: at least let them explain fucking hell.

soon enough ranboo came back into the room,

“sorry one of them found it hilarious to steal my glasses...”

“they’re little shits i swear to god but i love them.”

you both noticed chat going crazy and both looked at each other before laughing.

“i'm sorry, i can’t take you serious in the mask and glasses!”

“i can’t take you serious with neon hair, but here we are!”

“rude!”

you and ranboo quickly put an end to the rumours,

“no we’re not engaged or married, it is a promise ring. no they’re not our children, they’re y/ns cousins they just spend a lot of time here..chat stop calling me and y/n parents and comparing us to phil that’s not..that’s not how it works okay!”

“parent arc!”

“y/n, don’t encourage them!”

“it’s a little bit funny!”

soon enough the bit came to an end and eventually ranboo ended the stream.

“hey boo look what i got you”

you handed him a little black box, inside was a ring similar to yours

“i promise to always stick around and be here for you”

“oh my god”

ranboo tackled you into a hug thanking you several times for his rings. you and ranboo were living your best life meanwhile jack, tommy, and tubbo were stuck dealing with the guilt of what happened, but they’re weren’t giving up that easy. they wanted you both back, that’s when you received a notification, tommyinnit has sent you a message request: hey y/n can we talk..please?

taglist

@dumb-chaotic-bi-energy @uselesssapphickitten @l0ver0fj0y @etheriaaly @xx-smiley-xx @hawarun @kylobensgirl @cawcaw-pretty-thing @reverse-iak @renleicrashed @augustine-is-joy @c1loudee

[achillesunly]

SKK FIC REC TOIME BITCHES

ok so this one, this one here, is already becoming very popular (as it should) and honestly it lives up at its name. but i wanted to talk about it the moment i started reading it. So here we go.

Buckle your seatbelts, tighten ur ponytail and change for the highest heels u got, here w e  g o.

One of the very best stories i ve ever read, regardless of it being actual paper books or fics. Just a piece of art. I swear to god it made me feel things. Which writing not often do. Im quite complicated about these sort of things. 

But yeah this one feels right.

I just fucking wish i could forget it to rediscover it like fr tho. So good. 

Quick summary for y’all sore asses: ennemies to friends to lovers to ennemies to lovers to- u get it. Musicians. Closeness. Fun. ANGST. (good angst) (feels good when it hurts this bad *bdsm free tho*) Duo. parting. talent. a spark of SOMETHING ELSE; IS IT MAGICAL WRITING? found family -families- bigggg plot twist, not really plot twist but your mouth will hang open and ur heart will drop as well. gay. cause we here 4 that. poetic. i learned so much about musical industry so wow author how do you know so much? are u secretly a star?  i want to hear the songs with their voices like- whaaat??? I WANT TO HEAR ONE IN PARTICULAR AND YALL KNOW WHICH IM TALKIN AB- yeah that is one of them fics that will forever beat in your ass- heart- in your heart.

the author i wish they live a happy and blissful life, hoping nothing but the best for them (writing more skk masterpieces of this kind too).

Honestly dazai feels so human but not in a ooc way, actually he’s the most accurate i’ve seen in a long time, and the writing is so good ill punch myself in the face, theyre all (but mostly skk duh) so very real you feel like they’re actual stars and i cant even. 

its so rare

fuck me sideway with a fan wtf

Now, i’d like to add a few comments i saved on my phone while reading and ugly crying coz yeah , it’s like that. So (??) (Spoilers warning?) (but its so vague without context?) (do what you want idc) (u should already be readin it tho)

So, yeah :)  :

-wanting to die the entierty of chapter 6 litteral horror get me out of this

-fuck there’s still too many chapter for it all to end on this good note noo NAUUUUR

-OF FUCKING COIURSE ITS A SAXOPHONE YOU AND YOUR SICK GAMES

- jesus the jealousy on this man i cant

-i thought it was gonna be very very fun with the first lill bit of chapter one. Turns out the whole context is a mess 

-no it starts to get better its too soon no its gonna fall no stop hey-

-my mental sanitiy is now attached to this piece of writing and i will go down with it

-HES BEEN SLEEPING ON THE SAME COUCH he used to hbeuehheueehNO

-them vibes on tour bro

-BRO YALL SLEEPING WITH UR HOMIE LIKE THAT WAHT

-no but srsl wht them feels

-fuck off they re saying the same shit to their diciples

-BAHAHAHAH CHUUYA MY HEARTEU NO I CANT COMMENT ON PORT MAFIA RECORDS LEGAL DISPUTES BUT- ARE YOU KIDDIN ME THATS THE BEST THING EVER I CANT I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT

-jesus atsushi

-CHUUYAHAH

-wot

-o h my go d

-oh M Y G OD

-HE- GOD NO

-BABY WHAT

-jesus fuck’s sake im going to hang myself high and short

-IN THE MIDDLE OF HAHAHAHH

-HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BABY

-i m smiling like a dumb teenager in love and im pretty sure my driver thinks i m possessed

 so yeah, go read it totally worth the time and the feels

TW: you’re going to feel human

[ikev-mpire]

hi, can i get a matchup (ikevamp)? i'm a 5'0 infp-t leo gal w/ dirty blonde hair. friends would describe the current me as warm, friendly, and reliable. i ♡ reading writing drawing music (i play mainly piano + guit) performing--i'm rlly into the arts--n adventures! i also ♡ dolling myself up when going out bc it builds up my confidence and i used to have rlly bad soc anxiety + self-esteem issues (recovering!) bc of this, i'd love for my partner to help me learn to love and accept myself more. ♡

absoluuutely deary! ^-^

I ship you with Vincent! immediately upon meeting i think there would be this like recognition (friendly people always recognize friendly people the moment they open their mouth) between you and it would become a fast friend- him quickly becoming your closest and most trusted friend. Now im not usually much for friends to lovers, but yall would have the FTL trope of the CENTURY i tell u! You would be practically attached at the hip- always hanging out with him and theo or just you and him, roaming the gardens and sitting outside mozart's room to listen to his music, giggling over sketchpads and dancing in the hallway aaaaaaaomgmgghgdj

He's not overtly social himself, but he just wants to see the happiest and freest part of u ALL the time so he would start doing crazier shit just to get you to join in and hear that giggle and omg he would ALWAYS tell you how beautiful you look like literally every day you're serving the breakfast table and he smiles up at you and tells you "you look radiant this morning" or something like that! im trying not to like write a whole love story here (lol OOPS!) but since ive come this far i think yall would have this big angsty moment when the residents try to set u guys up to date bc (gd... stop flirting in front of us and get a room) youve been put on the spot and the both of u just like um oh shit would they want that (?) and freeze and it gets worse bc neither of u are talking so NEITHER OF U TALK cuz ur waiting on the other to say sum yk and omfgg.g... it gets so awkward he just excuses himself to hs room and u run back to urs but later he would come to ur room to talk to u abt it and yea essay over! He would allow u to drag him along on whatever adventure for that cute smile and he'd be really really amazing at making you feel like the most beautiful piece of art hes ever seen and u deserve nothing less so!

[tokyokookmin]

I really loved your explanation regarding vmin it was retable. kanmom51 anon, Im using a little of your ask for @tokyokookmin to explain and narrate a lil about JIMIN shes a JM biased too so I felt that it would be appropriate to ask her.

"Because it’s no secret that JM doesn’t get any praise from the company, the choreographer, and all."

"When it comes to the members it’s a different topic. They hype Jimin up. We have J-Hope constantly praising JM. Jk completely in awe with JM dance. Jin thanking him for helping him rehearse."

"So for me Bighit for some reason doesn’t do anything for JM, no credit in his work, no acknowledgement, nothing."

I felt that every single word that this anon has said is pure truth and this remark deserves much more attention. We all know what's currently going on with JM, the situation is really bad and its getting worse, toxic solo stans are bashing him and they are comparing him to other members from every perspective + even the hate that he's getting bcuz of him "annoying jk" in that memories 2020.

I need you to explain on how a wonderful person JM is. Your impact makes a huge difference on people mindset. tysm keshhh.

Hey there anon!, I deeply understand your emotions. The hate that JM is going through is really bad and I have personally reported those accounts on twt etc. I even took a few snapshots of a tiktok video comment section... I will surely share them some day or another. Well then lets get started! I can't compare J-HOPE TO JM because they are my biases and both of them captivated my eyes, I just can't resist their flawless moves and they make a great dance unit... it would be incomplete without one of them + JK lol.

Most armies would say that JK is the golden maknae or he's the best overall in the team, well y'all took JM for granted, he's capable of doing so many things as well. But before that we need to talk about his dancing skills, I have made one blog about the 3J. Here's the link if you would like to know about their achievements/viral moments https://tokyokookmin.tumblr.com/post/654670945252933632/a-guide-to-the-dance-line..... this blog was mostly just me collecting info's lmao-.

1. DANCE ☝️

Well I found this incredible video from tiktok and I thought that this video would be perfect to describe his contemporary skills. Utmost respect to the creator for creating such a masterpiece!

Jimin Van Fleet Award!

Do we really need to talk about this? We all knew what impact he had given to audience with his remarkable traditional korean fan dance.He is extremely talented, after all he trained in contemporary.

“I received many really big awards today. I sincerely appreciate it, and it was a day when I thought I would like to share it with you with better music and stage in the future. Thank you all for your support. #JIMIN# We have been unclear” #JiminWorldwideLoved 📷📷📷📷

"As emphasized by the ballet dancer, being lifted is not easy, just like in the case of Jimin in the said stage. A strong core, glutes, and chest are vital for the one being lifted." https://youtu.be/3RW91KT3bXw - another review from a japanese dancer.

He is extremely versatile and he can master any sort of genre.He excels in dancing,his moves and fluidity of his body is astonishing they way he moves every tissue in his body to perfectly to complete the cheoreo is just mind blowing, he is truly the embodiment of dancing! Believe me or not, you should pay more attention on his facial expressions... he keeps it graceful. His fingers and angle are on point.

From MAMA 2016 Lie meets Boy meets evil to MMA 2020 black swan 🦢..I wonder what's coming up next.

2. Loving member

Jimin is the member that I connect emotionally to, he's a sentimental person but he just doesn't show it you just have to pay attention on his behaviour and actions. He consoles many of the members and he provides comfort for them. The picture I attached below sets a great example.

1. BTS MAMA 2018... It was a tough year for them. They were close to disbanding, and the members were emotionally drained. My heart sank when I saw hobi breaking down in front of the crowd, you can find tons of fancams but you should take a close look at Jimin. He handled the situation very well and I love the way he gives his subtle touch of love towards the other members.

2. Taehyung grandma death announcement

I don't think that I need to explain the about the situation. Taehyung was really sad and felt guilty as he couldn't mention his grandma name. He broke down and Jimin immediately noticed him and ran towards him and just gave him little pat/huggie.

3. The Final

Even by looking at the picture you can see the comfort. You know that GCF-TOKYO song “there for you’ which implies that Jk means he will be there for jimin but "you gotta be there for me too” which means jimin gotta be there for him too. So yeah, JM just know jungkook well and he comforts Jk pretty well.It was so cute and i wished i was a part of the audience, i would have had a panic attack looking at them being so cute,fluff,intimate ON STAGE . Too bad it’s impossible now .

3.He's a badass [ athletic/ physical ]

Jimin has often talked about his experience in kendo,japanese fencing,Geomdo (검도, 劍道) “Way of the Sword” & hapkido. HAPKIDO: electid korean martial arts .It is a form of self-defense that employs joint locks, grappling, throwing techniques, kicks, punches, and other striking attacks.

https://youtu.be/oUcHghZQxiw - a video you may refer to.

.4.Academic excellence

After Namjoon Jimin has the most remarkable academic achievements in bts. He was one of the top students in junior high and was THE top student in Busan arts high school from ALL the departments. Fun fact Jimin IQ is 128! He was valedictorian too.

"When he was in junior high, he was one of the top students so Jimin's dad thought of enrolling him in a foreign language school. When he decided to go to an arts school, his teachers tried to stop him and were disappointed. He was accepted as the top of his class and attended Busan High School of Arts. He was doing really good. Then he switched to K-pop dancing and decided to be a trainee in Seoul. Teachers also tried to stop him and were disappointed. Park Jimin's life is really something.

36. Our Jimin didn't spend a lot of time preparing for the arts school. He was dancing popping when he decided to go to the arts school. He then learned modern dancing for a little over a year and was accepted at Busan High School of Arts as the top of his class even though he was a dance majorπ TT TT Every member in this group could've been successful at anything. That group is our pride, BTS.

60. Wow! If there's only one dance class, it's really incredible~ It's hard to get a top student from dance department. And it was achieved by a male student and it's Park Jimin TTTT

67. That's what I know too.. I was looking into Busan Arts School before and one class for dance is probably correct. It was mostly music and art classes that I remember. So from Busan Arts School, one out of ten classes and a male student from dance department getting accepted as the top of the class...the percentage is just incredible. I know that the dance class has about 40 students? And male students could be 25:15 or 30:10. Jimin broke through this and became the top.

Namjoon and Jimin really made a huge gamble. They could've went the easier way. Truthfully, if they went their way, they both would have succeeded. But becoming an idol and not knowing what their future will be and BTS not being successful from the beginning must have been really hard for them. But now I'm glad they're successful and they can realize they've made the right choice."

cr @artimitatesjimin

I really respect and idolize him. His personality is unique and its different.He's been through alot. Being kicked from BTS for 8+ times, the members ranking his looks as the last and being called fat and ugly, that's really disturbing. He starved and went on diets just to please the audience and to have a jawline. He works his ass of and he really deserves more. He's obviously cutie,sexy,lovely,sweet guy! He prioritize his career, family and fans before anything. He has absolute heavenly vocals (+crazyyy high notes) and he is the definition of stage presence. PARK JIMIN IS THE STANDARD. Solo toxic fans are definitely going to attack on me but this is the reality.Jimin deserves more and he's such a sweet person. He performs with his whole heart and expresses it wonderfully,he goes all out and each performance comes out from his soul. He loves to perform. I MEAN FOR THE LOOKS, JIMIN IS THE FIRST FOR JUNGKOOK~.

He once even wasn't able to attend THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW due to his sore muscles.

He went through alot and he deserves the #1 in brand reputation, who doesn't admire his determination?

Each member is unique in their own way. I want no hate or malice on my platform ~

Bits and pieces I collected anon! love ya ~ stay safe.

[tiny-stack-of-knights]

OKAY SO LIKE I GOT THIS ONE DONE REAL FAST BUT IM SUPER HAPPY WITH IT??!! Anyway here’s kirbs (:

Info about them and their place in the galactic crisis au under the cut!!

Here’s my general hcs for them!

-Kirby’s about 6 or 7 in this ref (except the two with the yellow backgrounds, we’ll get to those...). A small child, but a good child (:

-Since they’re a child, they’re only about 4’ tall, and will definitely be taller than meta when they’re older

-Speaking of which! They get moth wings when they’re older. Also they have paws because all of my puff gijinkas have them! The knights just like to keep them hidden since they make holding swords really hard...

-They were raised mostly on their own until meta knight stepped up and started taking care of him. And then dedede. And then they became a family ((::

-Because of the brief period in their life where they didn’t have a parental figure, they become VERY attached to anyone who shows them kindness (which, to be fair is just about anyone), especially his parents. They love meta knight and dedede so very much, and sometimes gets really anxious when away from them.

-If either of them are possessed, Kirby gets really distressed. It brings them a vague, forgotten pain from their past.

-Kirby hates sleeping alone. Despite having their own room, they often sneak in to sleep with dedede and meta. Well “”sneak in””. They’re not as sneaky as they think.

-Kirby’s fine with any pronouns really. Out of respect, and encouragement to define themself, most people use they/them for Kirbs. Very chill little dude

-Kirby is such a happy little kid. Like, this kid can bring joy to even the most depraved soul. They just love to make people happy, since they’re always happy too!!

-Well, mostly. Even as a well behaved kid, Kirby has their moments for sure. They still have a lot to learn socially and manners wise, and usually they only have outbursts when they can’t eat something, can’t have something shiny, or is asked to calm down their incredibly energetic and expressive demeanor. They also get really fucking mad if someone hurts their friends or family and will not hesitate to obliterate them. Kirby can be..surprisingly ruthless sometimes. But only sometimes (:

-It’s very hard to tell them no. They have puppy eyes like nobody else. And will possibly offer to make you something depending on how badly they want it.

-Despite being really young, they’re way more emotionally intelligent than most of the cast of the series.

-Kirby trusts just about anyone, and believes in the good in every single person! Even someone like Magolor, they refuse to give up on. They just want to bring good into the world ;v;

-They love drawing and making art, even if they don’t have the greatest motor skills yet. Anybody who gets a certified Kirby piece is blessed.

-Kirby loves space!! It’s hard for them to float all the way up there so meta takes them up there as a treat (:

-Kirby has vague memories of their first 2 years of life, but it’s muddled and usually comes to them through confusing dreams about a certain pink clad knight.

And here’s where the story for the galactic crisis au picks up (:<

(If you’re confused you can start from Galacta Knight’s ref!)

-Kirby is Void Termina’s opposite..so basically if the user of the Jamba Heart had a pure, happy wish!

-And that’s exactly what happened! Galacta Knight was the first to get close to the Jamba Heart after its hurried completion and sealing..basically before it could get sealed, his wish for a peaceful, happy universe (and admittedly, his desires for a family) manifested as Kirby.

-Therefore, Galacta Knight is technically Kirby’s father (:

-The unfortunate thing about being so close to the Jamba Heart as a Non-Jambandran, though, was that Galacta became corrupted by the Jamba Heart. More specifically, he became corrupted by what would have been, and would later be, Void Termina. Kirby acted as a foil to this though, and often kept him sane; neither of them realized this, however. Especially since Kirby was essentially an infant at this point.

-War broke out with the sealing of the Jamba Heart, and Galacta went into hiding with his little family of Morpho and Kirby.

-The two raised Kirby in secret and on the run from the Jambandrans and Halcandrans. At this point, Galacta was a wanted man. The Halcandrans blamed him for the outbreak of the war, and the Jambandrans were still convinced he was a Halcandran “super weapon”.

-Side note, since Kirby was raised by two puffballs (Galacta and Morpho), they eventually took the form of one later in life.

-After about 2 years of this, things went horribly wrong, resulting in the loss of Morpho Knight, and the breaking of Galacta’s fragile calm.

-He revealed himself for reasons I’ll explain in Morpho’s ref, causing both sides to immediately go after him.

-Eventually, Halcandra takes Kirby away as Galacta got more and more reckless, and the further from Kirby he got, the stronger his possession.

-A side note about Galacta’s possession. As Kirby’s foil, it’s still based on his wish for a peaceful universe and having a happy family. His corruption twists and distorts this desire to protect into something incredibly malicious.

-Hence, the destruction of Halcandra, the rescue of Kirby, and Galacta’s prompt removal from time by the Jambandrans. As a sort of bleak poetry, he really did become the super weapon they feared, just not in the way they thought ):

-As for what happened to Kirby and how they got to dreamland, that will be where Morpho’s ref picks up (:<

Thank you all once again for tuning in!! I’m pretty proud of Kirby’s ref, and I’ll probably be drawing them more aside from the two pics I already have with them and Galacta. And yes, I hope this helps clear up what’s going on in those two images. Thanks for making it to the end, and look forward to Morpho’s ref to tie everything up (:

[freshlybakedspiderbread]

Aghh! touhou. My feelings on it as of this day (and every day forever, i’m sure):

so when it comes to the ‘official’ works themselves, i’ve always been a fan. All the famous and iconic things like the music, the art, the bullet patterns, random new setting and personality insights revealed through manga or weird side-books. Don’t think i’ll ever get tired of it.

But by far the biggest impact that touhou has had on me is simply because of like... its identity and place in doujin culture, i think? A lot of my (and im sure this goes for most fans too) greatest and fond memories relating to this series comes from the fans and the derivative works. The fanart, the fanfiction, comics, music arranges and so on so forth. I’ve used this comparison before, but touhou series is like... a dollhouse? And a big appeal of getting new ‘dolls’ is seeing what fun you can have playing with them for your own stories, or getting glimpses into how they can play off the older dolls.

i waned off touhou for a little while, but now that i think about it, i know exactly the reason why i fell so hard back into it. Its because i realised the most important thing in consuming media to me is wanting to see what kind of idea or theme the creator(s) might have had and seeing it come to fruit for an audience. Because i think making things is like, such an important (maybe -the- most important?) thing for strangers to do to connect to one another!

But like... Getting too attached to a piece of media is always a risky thing to do, you know. Even if it’s something that really affects you, you have to step back and remember its nature as a product (or advert or propaganda or whatever else it might be).

Thus, i’m sure the big reason why i’m so drawn towards ‘fan’ work or derivative work as a whole, whether its drawings or music or writing, is that I always know at the back of my mind that it was a creative someone idea had that they have now shaped for others to see.

and when it’s touhou in particular, I can’t help but want to imagine, even when there’s a language barrier, that me and this other person who has created a thing were inspired by the similar things, and in turn are inspired by others doing the same.*

...But like, it’s all still just another media at the end of the day. No matter how much a certain (or many certain...) works may wrench me to the very soul, i don’t want to just define my very being and existence by this japanese shooter game! I’ve come close to doing just that a few times in the past, before realising just how miserable and pathetic that is. There’s no telling when any of these ultimately material things will just disappear, after all, and I don’t want to be wishing for touhou itself to become my ‘perfect’ thing my whole life. (Although if we could get some more non-evil chinese characters who aren’t meiling, and some more canon dark-skinned characters, it’ll be pretty close!)

so i guess in sum, i love touhou but i might be constantly afraid of investing too much of myself into it as a whole... ‘Stepping away from it’ i know isn’t something that’ll help nor something i want to do, so instead i’m determined to find other things in life i can be just as passionate about (and i don’t just mean other media!)... or at least, ‘decently’ passionate about.

[qawsslate]

newbies

another nct drabble, short story, one shot, scenario? 

genre: fluff probs

tw: none

pairing: Renjun & reader

a/n: idk bro read at ur own risk, i used google translate for a thing but im hoping it makes sense in the context, feel free to interact :)) 

____

"Renjun-ah it’s fine. You, of all people, know how forgiving she is.”

“Ya! Haechan, don’t say it like that. Renjun-ah it looks really nice she’ll love it.”

Haechan and Jeno were gathered in Renjun and Jisung’s shared bedroom attempting to calm the nerves of the older Dream member. He had just finished a painting he had been working on for the last month in prepation for Valentine’s Day. He knew you weren’t expecting anything as in Korea, the traditional practice was for the girl in the relationship to give the guy chocolates, but neither of you were big on the specifics of things like that. You both shared the sentiment of holidays but were also practical in the ways you gave gifts to each other. Last Christmas, Renjun had given you a new winter coat since the one you’ve been using since your teenager years had begun to literally tear at the seam. You often brushed off his nagging of buying a new coat with protests of the coat still doing its job. 

“Renjun, the coat is fine. I’m still perfectly warm” 

“Y/n, I can see the thread that’s keeping the arm sleeve attached to the rest of it hanging off. I bet if I pull it the whole thing would fall apart. Here let me show you.” 

He reached down and pretended to yank the thread which prompted you to gasp in amused disbelief.

“Ya! Don’t you dare! Did you really pull it off?”

You looked down at your arm trying to assess if in fact the fabric on your body was still a piece of wearable clothing.  

He laughed and just embraced you in a hug.

He had followed up the new winter coat with a flower plushie you had commented that was cute a week ago in a shop, his favorite scented candle so you could be reminded of him when he was away on a schedule, a neck massager because he thought you spent too much time at your desk, an insulated bottle so you would drink more water and not coffee, a polaroid camera for the memories and random Chinese snacks you really liked. He was very practical yet considerate, and it made your heart swell. You almost cried thinking all of it was too much and he had to hold your face in is hands and make you look at him so he could tell you that you were worth it. 

What you didn’t know that he also wanted to gift you with a necklace but second guessed himself too much to the point where he took the small box out of the pile of gifts only minutes before he gave you the heap of presents. Mark was the only member he told about the necklace beforehand but Renjun unfortunately had forgotten to inform his loveable hyung of his inaction, a problem that presented itself the morning after Christmas.

“Y/n! Merry-day-after-Christmas! How was Christmas with Renjunnie? Did you like the necklace?”

You, Mark, and Renjun had been sitting at the Dream dorm kitchen table eating leftovers from the small dinner Jaemin had made at 3am. Thankfully the rest of the boys were still asleep so the damage could still be contained. Renjun choked on the green tea he had been drinking but quickly recoverd.

“Neck massager hyung. The Korean word for neck massager is 목 마사지기. Ahhh, it’s because he’s a foreigner.”

Renjun laughed a little too forcibly and tried to signal to Mark as much as humanly possible without bursting a vein that the necklace gift was aborted. By some Christmas miracle, Mark had somehow picked up on the hint and quickly corrected himself. He even added a white lie to support the neck massager fib, quickly sputtering that he had helped Renjun pick out a neck massager with the recommnedations from his mom, his aunt, his grandmother, and his cousin who was some sort of professional massager. You answered honestly that you had yet to put it to use as you forgot to charge it last night. You weren’t sure if it was the happiness hangover or lack of sleep after Christmas Day that made you think Mark and Renjun were acting strange, but you became distracted from dwelling on their behavior as Haechan and Jisung came into the kitchen. The mood quickly shifted and Renjun felt like he could breathe for the first time in what felt like an hour. You had become preoccupied in helping Jisung follow a recipe on how to make American style pancakes and scolding Haechan for handing the gullible maknae wrong ingredients. After a few minutes Renjun had excused himself to check on Jaemin and Jeno, and Mark announced he had to use the bathroom. Once out of earshot from the mess in the kitchen Mark turned to Renjun,

“You didn’t give it to her?”

“No, hyung, honestly I got too scared. What if she didn’t want it? What if she thinks I’m going too far? What if it’s too serious all of a sudden?”

“Well, don’t you want to be serious with y/n?”

“Of course. More than anything. I just don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Renjunnie,” Mark placed his hands on his shoulders, “you are doing great. Do whatever feels right to you. But if you’re only doubting yourself I think it’s still a good idea to give her the necklace.” 

Renjun still looked conflicted and mindlessly opened the door to Jaemin room then Jeno’s. 

The four proceeded back to the suspiciously quiet kitchen to find Jisung sat at the table and Haechan and you making the rest of the pancakes. When Jaemin asked what happened, Haechan responded,

“We wanted to make sure you guys still had a place to live.”

The necklace matter had been dropped and about a month later all those repressed emotions Renjun had came back. It was two nights before Valentine’s Day and both just wanted a quiet evening. Renjun planned to cook a dinner at your apartment and the whole thing felt innocent until he thought about how you guys hadn’t even been officially together for more than a year. He suddenly felt the pressure, the implications, the underlying tone of something like giving you a piece of jewelry. His plan was to just give you a painting. He had carefully recreated the scene of the park where he first saw you. You had been pushing children on the swings. He had thought you were a babysitter of some sort until you waved to the kids goodbye and saw the nearby adults scoop them in their arms and walk away. Then he saw you swinging by yourself. He never revealed this to you during your first official encounter as he didn’t think it would be smooth to open up with, “I’ve been watching you swing by yourself at the children’s park.” He also hadn’t been initially sure if you were the same girl he had wistfully observed, but you had once planned a park date at your favorite spot.

“It’s actually quite near your dorm, we could walk there if you’re up to it? Sometimes I play with the kids. It’s gotten to the point where some of the mothers have recognized me.”

Renjun immediately knew you had been that girl he had observed in what felt like a lifetime ago. He knew that one day he would really have to treat Chenle to a meal for introducing you both. Renjun also knew if he had admitted this to Chenle now he would never let it go and it would somehow inflate the size of that kid’s head even more, but he added it to the list of things he loved about his younger member. 

Renjun had carefully recreated the details from his memories of those days, paying particular attention to that coat you refused to give up on and he had just finished the painting when Haechan decided to burst into his room.

“Renjunnie! Have you ate? Let’s eat.” 

Renjun had been so absorbed with his doubts that the sudden interruption almost made him fall off his chair. Renjun almost gets as easily startled as Jisung, but the magnitude of his reaction made Haechan take a step back and immediately set off his signature mischief.

“Ya, is the innocent and pure boy doing something naughty? You know you should really lock your doors Renjun-ah”

Renjun scrammbled to find something to cover the painting. His tidy desk space provided no aid and his next move was to flip the whole thing over deciding to deal with the consquences of the still wet paint later, but Haechan moved quickly and pulled Renjun’s arms up away from the canvas.

“Ya, what’s this?”

“Nothing. Heachan, please.”

Renjun sighed. He had no problem in any other situation to fight the boy who always tested his limits, but with the awkward sitting position he was in, Renjun knew that there was no logistically sound way to physically fight Haechan at the moment. 

“Oh, it’s just another painting. Why were you so freaked out- YA! Is that y/n?!”

Haechan dropped Renjun’s arms, his first mistake, as Renjun took the opportunity to lunge towards the painting. Haechan proceeded to yank the back of the wooden chair -- his second mistake -- and he called out for reinforcements.

“JENO-AH!”

Jeno was not surprised that the bickering quickly took place, but was also concerned with the intensity of Haechan’s scream. Jeno regretfully entered the space of what would ultimately disrupt the otherwise peaceful morning and listened to the chorus of Renjun’s mild curses and death threats and Haechan’s shameless happy teasing although he was the one in the headlock.

“Ya, you two. Can we just go eat?”

“Jeno-ah, grab that. QUICKLY.”

Curiosity took over and Jeno obeyed. Renjun knew that although Jeno lacked in the desire of fighting members, he made up for with his physcial strengh. Renjun was quite aware that Jeno could quite literally pick him and Haechan up to stop the sqaubble. Renjun gave a frustrated sigh of defeat and sat back down at his desk while Jeno and Haechan sat on the nearby bed to fully observe the art piece.

“Is this y/n? It’s really good.”

“Our Renjunnie is growing up so fast. It’s cute to see you in love.”

The casualness of Haechan’s sentiment in dropping the L word set off alarms in Renjun’s brain but curiously not his heart. He quickly pushed off whatever deer in headlights reaction he showed and calmy took the painting back from Jeno. He decided to just tell the two that it was for Valentine’s Day and mumbled that he wasn’t sure if you were gonna like it. 

"Renjun-ah it’s fine. You, of all people, know how forgiving she is.”

“Ya! Haechan, don’t say it like that. Renjun-ah it looks really nice she’ll love it.”

Haechan sensed it was the right time to get serious. 

“Renjun-ah. Honestly. It’s a really good painting. She’ll love it. That girl loves everything you do.”

Jeno hummed in agreement.

“Injunnie, it will be okayyy.”

Jeno’s speciality in dorm-only aegyo gave Renjun comfort. It almost brought back a sense of normalcy in Renjun’s emotions. He was also grateful to Haechan although no matter how much the boy made it a sport to annoy him, he could still be mature when it counted. He thanked God that the necklace had been safely hidden in a drawer and considered the many ways the situation could have escalated if the two boys saw that the painting gift was not the main source of his anxiety.

Renjun thought it would be best to change the subject from his insecurities about his love life. Love, he thought, there was that word again. 

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hi i have a tendency to not end my fics well, lemme know what yall think