redhairedlesbians - Tumblr blog

[redhairedlesbians]

wind. heartbeat. snow. drums. something quiet, something gentle. something better felt than said.

[redhairedlesbians]

nighttime quiet with the window cracked open a bit less than it should be. outside hums crickets and whatever is left of this seasons mosquitos. small birds.

[redhairedlesbians]

it is september fifteenth and you are fourteen minutes away from home. more accurately, 10 minutes down this long road, two lefts and a right and then a turn around the corner. there is day old coffee in the cupholder and remnants of mascara from 2021 stuck in the fibers of the roof next to the mirror.

i almost kissed a boy i hadn’t meant to. i sit in your car and look at you while you drive. i see the ugly parts less than the pretty ones, but i still notice.

you have a metal decoration that swings from your rear view mirror. i make eye contact with myself in it. you don’t seem to notice me looking at you when i do, but the second i turn away it is as if you have crumpled. like my gaze is the force keeping you going, and if it doesn’t continue neither will you.

things are dark and scary and lonely. you haven’t communicated the things that make you feel quite creepy. you act as if you have a secret although you’ve never kept one in your life.

there is something strange about you, but something even stranger about me. a third party force, an observer. air in a room. air in your lungs, taken straight from mine.

[redhairedlesbians]

watching the young girls of my family fall apart as they sprinkle their way closer into adulthood. soft whispers turned into music. beating hearts into drums, small pills swallowed as pain relief for a tender soul.

we are drunk monkeys on the dance floor. we spin in ways that feel strange to us, we ache for someone who we are not. we long to be concentrated on, normal. we ask for forgiveness and receive some of it back.

[redhairedlesbians]

something quiet, something unmoving and unshaken. something softly spoken in hushed tones. barely heard over wind, duck inching forward.

[redhairedlesbians]

the knowing of my body, the takeover, the plight. peeling pieces from my flesh and eating them as i watch in an assertion of dominance.

[redhairedlesbians]

were at war on the beach. the waves crash and boom the same as the guns do, the enemy approaches as the sun begins to glisten off the water as it creeps up eastwards.

[redhairedlesbians]

maybe tomorrow we will talk about it, but tonight you lay me down wordlessly in my bed before slipping out the door.

you tell me you’ve turned old habits into new ones and express desire for warmth in any way you can get it. you are a cold animal, a starved crow waiting for sunrise to feed.

you resent me in ways you can’t even begin to know. i see it in your eyes that sometimes you enjoy hurting me. that beyond the sex and sweat part of you just wants me to cry out whether it be from pain or pleasure.

so, you push further into me as you wrap your hands around my flesh and call and it love. when the bruises form you can call them hickies, proclaim it the mark of the beast rather than subtle violence it is.

you are a sick poison and my chosen vice. my favorite pill to swallow, my highest low and my worst form of self defense.

[redhairedlesbians]

in a dark green meadow, a field bustling with murmuring noises of birds and trees and wind.

you are wearing a dress down to your ankles, braids to your back that you and your mother spent the night making together. listening to your favorite songs, you laughed in a way that feels so distant to me as you drop to your knees in this almost-quiet field.

the moon dares to illuminate your half-bruised face. a fall from a tree or a slam from a door or all the things you have told me to keep myself quiet. i don’t believe you, but who is the choir to underestimate the words of the priest?

you are beautiful in a way i have not known anyone to be. in a way that feels loud and bright, and yet soft and subtle.

[redhairedlesbians]

a tongue-tied poet, my discomfort swallows around me like a reluctantly taken medicine. something with purpose and tact, something with kickback and side effects.

it is physical and tangible, it is unheard and unseen. a shadow on the wall engulfs the room in its darkness, the shine from the window brightens it up with its light.

i exist between two half-baked truths of being. a soaring high followed by a crashing low. my life comprised of analizable moving parts. and yet, the devil with a name is still the devil, and i am defined by a label i will have for the rest of my life.

[redhairedlesbians]

nighttime quiet with the window open just a bit wider than it should be. in the summertime, everything sings; there is a lull hum from cars and chilled air and cicadas.

the birds wake up just before the sun does. there is about fifteen minutes of darkness filled with song. i know this from every sleepless eve and every morning walk where i bring myself to join them in sound.

one foot after another. one good day followed by three bad ones. great nights followed by sickly mornings. i cannot bring myself to care in a manner that is more than just for the sake of others.

[redhairedlesbians]

i go will go to ever baseball game,

wipe every tear.

my kids will not know your name.

[redhairedlesbians]

i hum to the tune of a beatles song i’ve just heard for the first time. my mother laughs with subtle recognition, breathes it out of her like a sigh of relief. a little remnant of a past life brought to surface by her new one.

my mother was a mother before she had even met me. something you are born with. something that is discovered, not learned, the first time you preempt a fall and prevent it.

i cry into her arms and know i will need her forever. to know that maybe one day she won’t be, and i will be once again a kid in the dark searching for a holding hand without hers meeting mine.

[redhairedlesbians]

drunk on the beach, swim to the barrier. touch it for just a second, make your way right back. revel in how your arms have learned to move, weightlessness, closest thing to flying.

revel in how the cold water feels like the nearest thing to a hug you’ve had in a while. know that in any moment it could pull you back and kill you, be grateful it doesn’t.

talk to strangers you know well. call your friends on the phone, love them deeper than the distance that lies between you.

see a man who looks like your past lover and turn the other way. see old coworkers in parking lots and department stores, become one with the knowing you’ve both moved on.

wear recycled clothes, watch old movies and touch your old toys. buy new accessories, find new places to hold yourself in your grief. argue with the mirror, fall asleep next to a man you don’t really know.

know that some day it will be alright, know in many ways it already is. mansions with walls built with love, monuments resurrected in the honor of the people you love who love you back.

[redhairedlesbians]

maybe tomorrow we will talk about it,

but tonight you wordlessly lay me down with a gentle kiss, push the blanket under me, and walk out of my door.

i told you about this memory i had as a kid. the one where i held myself under the covers with a flashlight, gripping to the images of my picture bible.

i wondered why god had made me broken. laid on my knees on the bottom of my bunk bed begging jesus to bless me with tongues.

[redhairedlesbians]

i decided to put on something quiet, with the TV on low glowing softly into the room.

i’m mourning you before your body has even turned cold.

[redhairedlesbians]

the sky is humming with mid-june songbirds. i sit with my desire for a moment, a pebble that pits itself inside of my stomach.

i’ve been looking for myself in the eyes of strangers, ignoring some of the wolves that stare back. our love the thing with teeth, your anger beating drums and my fear burning villages.