#that i am not trying hard enough to find a job

[communicationthroughlyrics]

I Work Too Hard, Can You Fuckin' Pay Me?

Part 14 - Y/N moved to escape some of thier looming troubles from Westview, to the place that their best friend said would make a difference. New job, new digs, will Y/N make a change for the better, or leave another city with their tail between their legs?

TW: Angst

Word Count: 3K

Read Pt. 1 HERE Read Pt. 2 HERE Read Pt. 3 HERE Read Pt. 4 HERE Read Pt. 5 HERE Read Pt. 6 HERE Read Pt. 7 HERE Read Pt. 8 HERE Read Pt. 9 HERE Read Pt. 10 HERE - Read Pt. 11 HERE - Read Pt. 12 HERE - Read Pt. 13 HERE

You Run Away When You Just Can't Face It

You knew you had to handle this as soon as possible. After leaving Wanda's late Thursday night, you got into your car and called a half-asleep Pietro. "Hey, man, I need to talk to you. Can we talk?" You hoped the urgency in your voice was enough to convince him without alarming him.

"What's wrong? Can't it wait till tomorrow?" He sounded sleepy, and you felt guilty for waking him up.

"It can't," you said firmly. "It's about Val."

The silence on the other end of the line was deafening. He finally broke the silence with a groan. "Dammit," he said, the sleepiness evaporating from his voice. "How did I know this bitch was gonna ruin everything?" he mumbled to himself. "Come over, Y/N."

You drove through the dark, empty streets of the city, the light rain tapping against the windshield like a persistent drumbeat, echoing the anxiety pounding in your chest. The warmth of your tea with Wanda was long gone, and you felt cold, despite the heat blasting from the vents. When you arrived at his penthouse, you took a deep breath and stepped out into the cold, damp air. The walk to his door felt like an eternity as you rehearsed what you were going to say, trying to find the right words to explain your messed-up past with Val.

Pietro answered the door with a weary look, his dark hair sticking up in all directions. "What's going on?" he asked, his voice tight with tension. You stepped inside, the stark contrast of the modern, well-lit room highlighting the shadows under his eyes.

"Are you going to invite me in, Piet?" you laugh nervously, scratching at the back of your neck.

Pietro's eyes narrow, "This better be good." He steps aside, gesturing for you to enter, and you follow him into the living room. The space is sleek and modern, with floor-to-ceiling windows that offer a breathtaking view of the city skyline, but you can't appreciate it. The anticipation of what's to come is a heavyweight in the pit of your stomach.

You sit down on the leather couch, your heart racing as you take a deep breath and begin to explain. The words come out in a rush, spilling over each other as you recount your tumultuous history with Val, the way she manipulated you both, and the guilt that's been eating away at you for years. You leave nothing out, not even the parts that make you cringe with regret. You watch his expression shift from surprise to anger, and finally, to something that looks a lot like pain.

You detail the conversation you had with Wanda, telling him about her reaction, Natasha, and everything that happened tonight. The anger in his eyes is a living, breathing thing. You watch as he sits, staring at the floor, his jaw clenched tightly.

"I'm sorry," you murmur, feeling like the words are insufficient. His expression faltered, and he looked at you with dusky eyes.

Pietro remained silent for a long moment, his fists clenched at his sides. "I know, Y/N. I can see it. And, frankly, you wouldn't have uprooted your life if it wasn't a necessary change. But I can't say I'm not upset. Do you know how much I've lost because of her?" he finally said, his voice strained.

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat. "I'm sorry, I truly am. I never wanted any of this to happen. I just... I didn't know how to tell you."

"I get it, Y/N. This is far from ideal." Pietro ran a hand through his hair, his eyes still on the floor. "But you need to understand that Val... she's toxic. She'll ruin everything she touches if she gets the chance. And now, that includes my sister."

You nodded, feeling the weight of his words. "I know, and I'm going to do everything I can to stop her. To make sure she doesn't come between us."

"I understand your desire to do that, Y/N. But it may be best to lay low for a little bit. Val is like a predator. She gets bored when you don't give her something to engage with."

Pietro's words echoed in your mind as you nodded slowly. He had always had a way with words, a way to cut through the bullshit and get straight to the point. "What do we do then?" you asked, feeling a little lost.

"It's best you give Wanda some time. But, just know that I am extremely proud of you for telling her right away. The Y/N I knew in Westview wouldn't have."

You nodded, feeling the warmth of his words, even though the situation was far from ideal. "Thank you, man. That means a lot."

Pietro looked at you, his expression a mix of anger and concern. "But you can't keep hiding shit like this, Y/N. It's not good for you, or us. You need to be honest with Wanda, and me. She deserves that much, and I'm supposed to be your best friend."

You nodded, feeling the sting of his accusation. "I know, and I'm sorry." You paused, trying to gather your thoughts. "But Val, she's dangerous. She's going to cause trouble, and I don't know how to stop her without dragging everything else into it."

"Y/N, just lay low. Don't feed into her bullshit. You'll only give her ammunition. And you will likely hurt someone in the process. Now, please. Get home and mind your own for a while. I, frankly, don't want to see you for a little bit myself."

The words stung, but you knew he was right. You had to give Wanda time and space to process everything you had just told her, and him too. The drive back to your house was a blur, the rain now coming down in sheets. You felt like you were driving through a never-ending tunnel of guilt and regret. When you finally pulled into your driveway, you sat in the car for a few minutes, trying to gather the courage to go inside.

Stepping out of the car and into the cold embrace of the night, you wiped the rain off your face and made your way towards the house. The porch light flickered, casting eerie shadows across the lawn as you made your way to the door. You glanced over, noticing only one light on at Wanda's, making your heart clench at the thought of her in there, alone.

Once inside, you kicked off your drenched shoes and hung your coat on the rack, the quietness of the house almost deafening. You felt a pit in your stomach, a mix of dread and hope, as you made your way to the bedroom. You knew you had to give her space, but the thought of not holding her was like a knife twisting in your gut.

You slipped into bed, the coldness of the sheets a stark contrast to the warmth of the tea Wanda had made you. You could still smell her perfume lingering on the fabric of your pillows, and it was like a cruel reminder of the closeness you shared a few nights ago. You rolled over, burying your face into the pillow she had used, inhaling her scent, and trying to hold onto the last vestiges of comfort it provided.

Your Friday was a blur, burying yourself in work, completing a flurry of projects before thier deadlines. You stayed late, and your boss commented on you being here far after even the janitors. But you needed the distraction, the mind-numbing repetition of work. It kept you from spiraling into the dark pit of your thoughts, the echoes of Wanda's anger, and the fear of losing her, echoing in your mind.

When you got home that night, you were met with silence. The house felt eerie and empty, it didn't feel like home. You tossed and turned, unable to shake the feeling that you had made an irreparable mistake. The digital clock on the nightstand read 3:15 AM, and you hadn't slept a wink. Your mind was racing with thoughts of what Val could be planning, and how you could fix this mess without losing the people you cared about most.

Deciding that sleep wasn't going to come easily, you snuck downstairs, the cold wooden floorboards creaking underfoot as you made your way to the kitchen. You grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the top shelf of the pantry, the amber liquid glinting in the moonlight. You poured yourself a generous glass, the smell of oak and smoky warmth filling your nose as you took a deep breath. You downed it in one go, the burning sensation a welcome distraction from the emotional turmoil you were feeling.

You felt the effects of the alcohol almost instantly, having not cracked open a bottle in months. You grabbed a wooden box hidden next to the bottle, cracking it open to display the emergency stash of joints you kept, in the instance that you needed to unwind, and nothing else was helping. You took one out, lighting it with the lighter that had been in your pocket all evening. The sweet, pungent smell of the weed-filled the room as you took a deep drag, exhaling slowly, the smoke curling around your head like a warm hug.

You grabbed the jacket that was lying over the back of one chair in the dining room, pulling it on before opening the back door and stepping onto your patio. The cool, humid air hit you as you walked over to one of your patio chairs, taking a seat and leaning back. The rain had stopped, leaving a gentle mist that kissed your skin and the smell of wet earth wafting up around you. You took another deep drag from your joint, letting the smoke billow around your face like a foggy shroud. The silence of the night was occasionally broken by the distant sound of a car driving down the wet streets.

You sat there for a while, just smoking and thinking, trying to figure out your next move. The whiskey had helped to dull the pain, but it hadn't done anything to solve the problem. You knew that you had to tread carefully with Wanda and Val. The last thing you wanted was to lose Wanda, and the thought of her being hurt because of your past with Val was unbearable.

As the night grew colder, you realized you needed to come up with a plan. You couldn't just sit around and wait for the situation to blow over; you had to be proactive. You needed to find a way to protect Wanda and her family from Val's toxic influence. You thought about leaving for a while, hoping things would blow over, but deep down, you knew that wasn't the right answer. You had to face this head-on.

"Can't sleep?" a familiar rasp startles you out of your thoughts. You jump, dropping your joint into the ashtray, and look up to see Wanda standing at the edge of your patio, her eyes red and puffy from crying. She's wearing your oversized t-shirt that barely covers her thighs, her feet bare and cold-looking against the damp concrete. The puzzled look on your face turns into one of concern as she takes a few steps closer to you, her eyes never leaving yours. "I, uhhh...smelled the weed. I looked outside to see where it was coming from, and saw you out here." She runs a hand through her hair, looking lost. "I thought you quit drinking?" she motioned at the now empty glass next to you.

You stood, peeling off your coat before bringing it over to her. "Not quite, just cut back significantly," you said, holding it out. She took the warm jacket gratefully, pulling it around her shoulders with a small shiver. "I've had a lot on my mind."

Wanda nodded, her eyes never leaving yours. "I know," she murmured. "I can say the same."

You led her over to the chair, sitting down beside her, the plastic cushion cold and damp from the rain. She curled into the warmth of your jacket, the silence between you heavy and pregnant with unsaid words. You took a deep breath, the scent of mint and rain mixing with the lingering aroma of whiskey. "Wanda," you began, "I know you're hurt, and you have every right to be. But I need you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I've been trying to be the person you deserve."

"Y/N." Wanda's voice was barely a whisper, the name a question and a plea all rolled into one. "I know. I know you're sorry." She took a shaky breath, her eyes searching yours. "I also know you're trying to change from that person back in Westview."

You nodded, feeling the weight of her gaze. "But it's hard to trust you," she continued, her voice cracking a little. "Everything I've been through with her, with my family... I just can't handle any more betrayal."

You leaned forward, elbows on your knees, the coolness of the night air seeping into your skin. "I get it," you said softly. "But I'm not asking you to trust me blindly. Just... give me a chance to prove it to you. To show you that I've changed, that I'm not that person anymore."

"I know you're not that person anymore, Y/N." Wanda's voice was softer now, the anger from earlier giving way to something more vulnerable. "But the thing is, I don't know if I can trust that Val won't drag you back into her mess." She looked away, staring out into the night. "I just don't want to get hurt again."

"Wanda," you whispered, taking her hand in yours. It was cold and trembling slightly. "I understand your fears. But I won't let that happen. I'll do whatever it takes to protect you and Piet."

Wanda's gaze returned to yours, searching for sincerity in the depths of your eyes. For a moment, you could see the walls she had built around herself start to crack. "I know you mean it," she said, her voice small. "But what if you can't?"

"We will kill ourselves with the 'what if's', Wands." You took a deep breath, feeling the coolness of the night air fill your lungs. "But I won't let that happen. I promise."

She looked down at her hands, playing with her fingers in her lap. You kneeled next to her, grabbing onto her hands to still her movements. "Even if it means that I need to leave you alone, I will do it. I mean it. Whatever it takes."

Wanda sighed heavily, "Y/N, I don't want you to leave." Her eyes searched yours, a silent plea for understanding. "I just... I went through a lot. With my ex. And I don't want to do it again."

You nodded, feeling the weight of her words. "I know you did. But I'm here, willing to work on this, willing to face whatever comes our way."

Wanda took a deep breath, the chilly air visible in the moonlight. She leaned forward, pulling herself closer to you. "Okay. I still need some time, but we can do this," she whispered. A small smile crept across your face.

"But you have to promise me one thing," she said, her gaze intense.

"Anything," you vowed, feeling the warmth of hope begin to fill the void that had been growing in your chest since you told her about Val.

"Promise me," Wanda's voice was steady, "that you'll never make me cry like this again," she let out a watery chuckle.

You felt a pang of guilt in your chest, "Wanda, I swear to you, on everything that I am, I will never intentionally let this happen again. You have my word," you vowed, your voice thick with emotion. "I cannot promise that I won't make you cry, but my only goal is that you cry from laughter and happiness."

Wanda's smile grew a little, a spark of hope in her eyes. "That's all I ask," she murmured, leaning into you. You wrapped your arms around her, feeling her shiver slightly from the cold. "Come inside," you whispered, "It's freezing out here."

"Y/N?" Wanda's voice was a whisper, a question and a plea all rolled into one. She stepped closer, stopping your movement as the scent of rain and mint washed over you. She stepped up to you, wrapping her arms around your neck, as you engulfed her in your warmth.

You felt her tremble in your embrace, whether from the cold or the weight of her emotions, you weren't sure. But you knew that she needed you, and you were there for her. "I've got you," you whispered back, pulling her closer. Before you knew it, she was standing on her tiptoes, her eyes closed as she kissed you softly. It was a kiss filled with pain, confusion, and a desperate need for reassurance. You kissed her back, gently, your hands rubbing her arms in an attempt to warm her up.

You stood up, taking her hand, "Come on," you said, leading her back inside. The warmth of the house wrapped around you both as you entered, the silence of the night replaced by the comforting hum of the heater. You guided her to the couch, tucking her into a blanket before you started a fire in the fireplace. The flames began to dance, casting a warm glow across the room, and illuminating the tears on her cheeks.

You sat next to her, leaning back and opening your arms, allowing her to curl into your chest. The crackle of the fire was the only sound that filled the room, the warmth of her hand in yours the only thing keeping you grounded. Wanda looked up at you, her eyes searching for the truth in your gaze. You took a deep breath, feeling the warmth of the whiskey spreading through you.

[7postitsjumpingonabed]

TF2 Mamma Mia! AU

Cannot over stress how it’s-on-the-tin this is.

If you’re curious, my qualifications for this are the fact I’ve seen the movie like 4 times and am currently in a production of the musical so I know my shit.

Also Mamma Mia! is a romcom so I’ll just say the roms I chose are Sniper/Scout, Spy/Ma, minor Heavy/Medic, and optional Soldier/Demo(I present two options).

That’s all the preamble, lets get into this

Sophie

Alright let’s start with the most important character, who is our bride-to-be and catalyst for the whole plot? Scout, of course. Did I mostly pick him because he has known familial relationships that are easily enough translated to these characters? Yes absolutely. Did I also pick him because he seems the type to think inviting three strangers who could be his dad to his wedding is a good idea, he seems the type to be excited over a large and exciting wedding, and is commonly characterized with some form of anxiety that would lead really well into ‘Under Attack’? Also yes absolutely. Broadly, I think that Scout’s young, enthusiastic, and not-forward thinking personality lines up well with Sophie. For this we are going to ignore the other 7 Willis boys as characters, sorry unnamed brothers Sophie is very significantly an only child.

Skye

A reader with baseline knowledge of Mamma Mia! and who read the preamble can easily guess that Sniper is my Skye. I chose him because I like Speeding Bullet, he would definitely prefer a quiet elopement over a big white wedding, and he is also commonly characterized as kind of whipped for Scout so I would see him begrudgingly accepting this wedding as his life and making it work. You may be seeing this and asking ‘Postit, how on earth are you getting Sniper to dance, sing, and do all that theater kid bullshit?’ And to that I raise two things, 1. that is making me think of a community theater AU and that’s absolutely hilarious and now I want to make it but as I write this I’m realizing he would be in lighting… alright anyway 2. Through musicals are things are possible so write that down. Scout and Sniper going off to travel together seems very accurate and cute as well.

Donna

Alright this one should be clear, it’s Scout’s Ma. In all honesty I did briefly consider having Spy in this role but the fact that Sophie wants her dad at her wedding to do dad things is really important to setting the plot in motion so I’ve relegated him to a different role. Anyway besides literally being Scout’s mom I think she fits well because despite her lack of characterization, from what we do know about her she is a no-nonsense hard worker, who is trying to move past old and questionable decisions, and support her son in what she thinks is a silly decision. Overall I just think she’s the best option and can be made to fit well.

Ali and Lisa

If you only have a passing knowledge of Mamma Mia! you might not know these characters, and honestly I considered combining them into one person because they don’t have large individual impacts but it just worked better to keep them both, but they’re Sophie’s friends and advisors, as well as generation counter parts to Rosie and Tanya. I chose Ms. Pauling and Pyro for these roles. I had really no ideas on this front so it got filled in near the end of planning but I think Pauling and Pyro work well enough. I think if Pauling and Scout can move past potential love

Sam Carmichael

Who else? It’s Spy. With Scout’s Ms as Donna there wasn’t really any other choice. Sam is sort of the prime father and ends up marrying Donna at the end of the story. The second act songs between him and Donna are all about the past, regrets, and missed opportunities and that goes perfectly with the implied dynamic between Spy and Scout’s Ma. In this AU ‘Loraine’ would be Spy’s job, he would leave to work it and come back only to find Ma with other men. Speaking of.

Harry Bright

Harry is contemplative, plays the guitar, and had a ‘rough’ past that doesn’t reflect his current quieter life? Now who does that sound like? Engineer isn’t canonically an ex-punk but the idea of him ‘headbanging’ is really funny. I largely chose him because of his demeanor and the irony of him being a punk in a previous life but the straight forward attitude and guitar playing are also very appropriate.

Bill Anderson

Heavy is my Bill Anderson because he’s the last reasonable man left, his writing associations, and the fact Bill’s two duets in the musical have him mostly responding to another’s behavior. After Heavy the men get a little more visibly insane, even on a picturesque Greek vacation. Bill is a writer and travel books aren’t exactly Russian lit but the general idea lines up. The role of Bill being quiet most of the time and being the first father to figure out his relation to Sophie feels very Heavy.

Rosie

Rosie is Donna’s friend that is on the wild side, never married, and ends up ‘taking a chance’ (imagine me lightly elbowing you at my joke) on Bill. Replace Bill with Heavy and that’s an in complete description of Medic. I can see Medic having not terrible, if not normal, friendships with people willing to embrace the lunacy. A lady who shot her shot with Spy of all people and raised Scout can definitely handle some lunacy. Also there’s a line somewhere, musical or movie, when Bill mentions having one of Rosie’s cookbooks, and that seems like a sweet, Red Oktoberfest thing to do.

Tanya

For lack of better option, Demo is my Tanya. There’s no particularly strong connections between them but Demo needs to go somewhere and Soldier is even worse of a fit for this role. Since this is where he’s going I’ll propose that, if the viewer desires so and is willing to lose the alignment of Tanya’s marriages with the one happening at the end, the series of failed marriages could be changed to jobs, which would give this hypothetical casting more cohesion.

Pepper and Eddy

The only merc left is Soldier and I think him as a largely unhelpful, partying, kind of a freak feels… not terrible. This is where my two options in the Soldier/Demo situation is explained, you can go classic ‘Does Your Mother Know?’ and set the two up as romantic counterparts or you could just have them as friends. Like, Soldier is a ‘bad’ influence and Demo is trying to be normal for Scout’s Ma but is having too much fun with Soldier to resist. I think both work fine and it depends on preferences. For Eddy I want an unenthusiastic Merasmus. We know that Soldier just harasses him and drags him into random scenarios so a reluctant Merasmus can fit as a variation on Eddy so the cast is all lined up.

That’s where my fan cast ends but I want to say that if anyone wants to work with this idea, go ahead but tag me so I can see! Also I’m still thinking about Spy!Donna so there might be a follow up…. But we’ll see. Thank you for reading!

[prettygirl-gabi]

Title: Private Lessons

Rating: Teen and up Audiences

Warning: party theme...

Paring: Chris Sturniolo x !dancer reader

Fandom: Sturniolo Triplets

Summary: being a dancer has it's perks...

Credits to @muwapsturniolo and our dancing convo!

Madison always threw the best parties. She had this way of making everyone feel like a VIP, even if it was just a random Friday night at her house.

The music was loud, the drinks were flowing, and the energy in the room was electric. As one of her backup dancers, I was used to letting loose when we weren’t on stage. So when Sexyy Redd’s “SkeeYee” blasted through the speakers, my body moved instinctively.

I danced with the girls at first, laughing as we hyped each other up, our movements sharp and effortless from muscle memory. But then—just as I dropped low, rolling my hips to the beat—I felt someone behind me.

Chris.

I didn’t have to turn around to know. I could feel his presence, the way his hands hovered just close enough to make my skin tingle. He matched my movements seamlessly, his chest almost brushing my back.

Okay, so he could dance.

I smirked, pressing back just enough to test him.

Chris didn’t back down. Instead, his lips brushed my ear, voice low and teasing.

"Damn… I might need some private lessons."

I bit my lip, glancing over my shoulder. His expression was unreadable, but those blue eyes held something dangerous.

"Think you can keep up?" I shot back.

Chris just grinned. "Guess I’ll have to find out."

I nearly forgot about it. People say things at parties all the time. I didn’t expect him to follow through.

But then I checked my work schedule, and there it was:

New Private Lesson Booking: Chris Sturniolo.

This man actually signed up for a private dance lesson.

I couldn’t help but laugh as I texted Madison.

Me: "Your boy's brother really just booked a private dance lesson. What do I even do with him??"

Madison: "LMAO don’t play, he’s lowkey smooth. Have fun with that 😭"

I wasn’t gonna lie—I was intrigued.

Chris showed up wearing sweats, a loose hoodie, and that cocky little smirk that made my job a thousand times harder.

"You came prepared," I teased, arms crossed.

"Of course." He leaned against the mirror, tilting his head. "Gotta impress my instructor, right?"

I rolled my eyes, motioning for him to stand in front of me. "Alright, let’s see what we’re working with."

Chris mirrored my stance, waiting for direction. I stepped closer, placing my hands on his shoulders to adjust him.

"Relax," I murmured.

"You’re tellin’ me to relax?" He chuckled, shifting his weight. "Kinda hard when you’re all up in my space like this."

I smirked. "You did ask for private lessons."

"Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d be this hands-on." His voice dropped slightly, teasing, but there was an edge to it.

I raised a brow. "You scared, Sturniolo?"

Chris scoffed. "Nah. Just wondering how long it’ll take before you admit you like me touching you."

Oh.

My stomach flipped, but I refused to let him win that easily.

"Focus," I said, stepping back before he could see the effect he had on me. "We’re starting with basics."

For the next hour, I walked him through body rolls, footwork, and rhythm control. He wasn’t bad—actually, he picked things up pretty fast.

Every now and then, though, he’d find a way to get under my skin.

"Am I doing this right?" he asked at one point, purposefully messing up just so I’d correct him.

I sighed, stepping behind him. "No, your stance is too stiff. Here—" I placed my hands on his waist, guiding his movements.

Chris turned his head slightly, voice barely above a whisper. "You sure you’re not just using this as an excuse to touch me?"

I huffed a laugh. "You’re so annoying."

"You love it."

I didn’t answer.

Because, unfortunately, he wasn’t wrong.

Chris stretched his arms, rolling out his shoulders. "Not bad for a first-timer, huh?"

"You did alright," I admitted, trying to sound unimpressed.

He smirked. "You gonna reward me for my hard work?"

I raised a brow. "And what exactly do you want as a reward?"

Chris stepped closer, tilting his head. "Dunno. Maybe another dance?" His voice dropped. "Or… you could just admit you like having me around."

I exhaled, shaking my head. "If I admit it, will you shut up?"

"Probably not," he said, grinning. "But I’d love to hear you say it anyway."

I sighed, crossing my arms. "Fine. You’re not the worst student I’ve ever had."

Chris clutched his chest dramatically. "Wow. So heartfelt."

"Take it or leave it, Sturniolo."

He laughed, shaking his head. "Oh, I’m taking it. But don’t worry, instructor—this isn’t the last time you’ll see me."

Something told me he was right.

And for some reason… I didn’t mind one bit.

---

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-Thank You For Reading!🩵🩶

-prettygirl-gabi🎀✨️

[digitaldiary]

february 9th, 2025

i have a pounding headache as i write this, most likely brought on by the adderall i took this morning. usually adderall = productive day for me, but somehow i got carried away and then next thing you know, i'm looking up from my phone and laptop and realizing i've been doing nothing for the past 4 hours. i went to a friend's place for a super bowl party but by then the headache had started and i was already sort of sad. i just decided it'd be best for me to go home.

new york winters bring a mix of emotions for me. i love when the snow falls, but hate the next day when it's slushy and slippery and my shoes and socks get soaked no matter how hard i try to avoid puddles. the cold is depressing and brutal, but a welcome, tangible indicator of change and the passage of time. two years ago i got my heart broken during a new york summer and since then, i find relief and comfort in the other three seasons. by the time summer rolls around again, i am reminded of two years ago, and then a whole different mix of emotions comes.

i moved to new york city five years ago as a wide-eyed, determined, naive, highly-motivated 20-year-old girl with dreams of working in fashion. i was born and raised in a suburb in northern california, largely quite sheltered and without any real-world experience. i still cannot drive. back when i first came here, i was very excited about life and my future, albeit very very very anxious and clueless. i had good intentions in everything i did, and still now, if one thing about me persists, it is that.

today i am 25 years old, working a 9-5 fashion job. unfortunately and disappointingly, i am much less concerned with my career as i used to be as it's taken a backseat to my never-ending struggles with mental health. most big dreams i had have been extinguished by reality and the ups and downs of life. i think also, maybe as i've gotten older, i've found that simple pleasures are enough to keep me content. maybe that is cope, i am not sure, i go back and forth on whether i am lying to myself because i've half-bakedly accomplished some of my dreams and realized that some may never come true. but that's another internal dispute amongst the thousands i must filter through every day of my existence.

when i got my heart broken two years ago, it was like a big bang of sorts for me - the breaking acted as a catalyst for lots of internal change, tough conversations with myself, and self-discovery. somehow i pushed through the excruciating emotional and existential pain and in the time after, i was able to build myself up from scratch. in that painstaking building of self, i became confident and assured of my identity, my core, my values, who i was and who i am. i had spent so much of my life trying to transform myself into what i thought others wanted me to be, so to get to a place where i was myself and no one else and i was happy to be myself... it was very unfamiliar and unprecedented for me but also very exciting.

but that newness has faded as life has continued onwards. there's a quote from the bible that says "as a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly". romance has always been THE dictator of my life, cruelly deciding my mood, my purpose, my worth, etc. in short - i have reattempted to find love over the past two years only to be left disappointed time and time again. each failed relationship has left a chip on my shoulder, and all the cracks in my form have caused me to break once again. my niche micro-celebrity crush recently tweeted "everything falls apart all the time" (and he plays a larger role in my recent "breaking" that maybe i will one day have the courage or lack of care to share). but he was right. everything has fallen apart for me. i'm holding on to three pieces - my family, my friends, and my work. i can't even remember what my original shape was. i'm just gripping these shards as hard as i can and they're slitting my skin but i won't let go. they're all that i have.

i don't mean to sound so doomer, this is more of a stream of consciousness that i'm sharing as a life update of sorts... don't worry about me too much, i'm quite used to this feeling by now!

[lostinlovingrevery]

Logan howlett being gross please 🙏🙏

I so badly wanted to answer this all day but I was busy so thanks for your patience!! I may end up writing an actual drabble of him being nasty BUT since it's 10 and I need to be up by 5 am tomorrow I'm gonna give some headcanons out to keep you freaks (lovingly)(im a freak too otherwise i wouldn't be writing this) satisfied. Love you guys <3

if there's anything specific you want me to talk about, feel free to send an ask!

(logan judging me for putting his nastiness out there)

NSFW stuff under the cut. Beware. some of it's gross. :)

Lets start with what I said in that one post

Yes, Logan would fuck himself in every part of you if you let him

personally not big on anal myself but if you guys are down for that, he would definitely like to try it.

I think it's less of getting himself off or being attracted to it, like your elbow or knees

its more of being able to claim you more ways than one, his animalistic instinct REALLY kicks in on this. Scents probably play a part on this

IF you let him do the things he wants, you're gonna get treated SO GOOD afterwards, believe me. Satisfying his urges in the weird ways he gets em? You're an actual fucking angel to him

I've mentioned foot jobs before. I think honestly the foot job is probably what started this whole thing. It's a body part he never considered getting off from. It's until you guys were in your bedroom, hes walking around naked fresh from the shower and you get playful, reaching your feet out and messing with his cock. He was surprised how hard it made him and then when he cums he's like... "Now what else can I get off on?"

I almost mentioned scents. Logans so big on scents yall we established this. You smelling like him, him smelling like you.

When you're a little more settled in your relationship, he may start making comments on how good you smell after workouts, sex, etc. Its the pheromones man

You don't think much until you catch him straight up inhaling your workout clothes one day

He's a bit flustered over it

claims he didn't know what he was doing (he did) and that he was just getting ready to do laundry (he was not) (he went straight to your laundry with the goal of smelling that shit)

PANTY SNIFFER

Loves your panties and bras the most. Definitely will keep your used panties here and there. he does it discreetly, confidently. He's not so ashamed for you to find him sniffing your panties.

Nasty making out. big fan of this

he wants you both practically drooling into each other. can and will spit in your mouth and wants you to do the same

will make out with you with his cum in your mouth. He doesn't like his cum it's just the fact of it's you mixed with him.

He'll love it if you have each others essence and make out like that too.

It's not every time but sometimes he'll just get these urges to make you both messy as hell. spit and cum, hickeys, scratches etc etc

I've also said this before but period sex period sex period sex

He does not fucking care

Makes him a lil wild actually. Might scare you a bit.

If you initially don't want to do it, he'll leave it alone and eventually get needy enough he'll find excuses and then he founds out sex can help relieve periods and he's like

"I'm just tryna make you feel better baby"

When you finally give in his ecstatic

he will def be careful though. He truly doesn't want to hurt you. He's just a needy lil thing for you

Eating. you. out on your period.

I know, it's gross. But so is he.

The first happens on accident. He tastes it while eating you out and immediately recognizes it. he doesn't stop and doesn't tell you

You realize it when he finishes and looks up and his face is covered in blood

quite frankly you're horrified

he didn't care. just goes and washes himself up and you as well.

You're gonna need to change the sheets though. Logans a messy eater

He will eat and drink food from your mouth

you're telling him "oh Lo! Try this pie its SO good-" as you put the fork in your mouth and you're about to give him a piece and feed it to him and he insteads grabs you by the back of your neck and sticks his tongue in your mouth and tastes it that way

It shocks you (and turns you on)

"Yeah baby, it is good." he chuckles as he smacks his lips and walks away leaving you dumbfounded and a bit horny

(you're just like)

will get so nasty about fucking you too like the dirty talking

"Your pussy so fucking tight and wet. Sucking me in and everything."

"You fucking love how I taste don't you? All that cum and sweat. dirty girl."

"my cum tastes good in you baby"

"cmon, taste how good you are darling"

Ive mentioned about him going into a trance after he cums on you

he's cummed inside you and now staring at it leaks out of you

he's pushing it back in and trying to keep it all in you

doesn't even hear you whining over it

he starts spreading it all over you. it just looks so good painted on your pretty pussy

like i said this man adores you and that means ALL of you

will drool during sex

you're just going at it and you guys hit a point where your mindless and fucking

you feel so good and he can't even think straight. acting purely on instinct and you feel his drool on your back. You look back and his mouth is hanging open and his eyes shut and he's thrusting into you over and over, completely contorted in pleasure

lets talk a little about some other stuff

logan keeps up his hygiene of course. brushes teeth. washes his ass. he may consider himself an animal but he's not gonna let himself go. he IS from the 1800s yknow

but he runs like a heater and can and will sweat

esp with all those fucking layers

sweaty dick and balls. nuff said. hope you enjoy that

his natural musk is strong as hell. honestly though to you it'll smell really really good

leaks a lot of precum when he's horny.

his hairs insane though. So much hair. Its' gonna get in your mouth

actually even if hes groomed it's still gonna get in your mouth. he has a lot of hair

Enjoy nasty logan! <3

[chocolaytte]

일상 생활  (daily life) - iii

[sydmarch]

it was so stupidly difficult to find any nutritionist who has experience with arfid & takes insurance so after having to go through all these referrals my therapist sent me & jumping through hoops I lowkey hate the lady lmao feels like such a waste of time & energy

[orcelito]

Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.

SO......

I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.

[eastofedean]

8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)

[angelicwolf98]

...

[hobisexually]

long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on

[cedarspiced]

not being able to find a job really fucking sucks. my brain won't stop telling me "your family is going to be homeless and it'll be your fault" over and over and i can't get it to Stop

[aleximustd13]

Cant wait to go to my therapist to hear her ask me why i havent started going to driving school or why i havent got a real job yet for the 384748th time

[savage-rhi]

I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.

[izzy-b-hands]

8/20's au-gust fill...is in progress but might also just get deleted and skipped lmao (it's still so wordy and not finished and I have zero confidence in this fucker. I think I would like it but then again I like verbose little weird novellas/short stories that are a packed slice of time and then I never hear from any of the characters in that universe/au ever again but think about them forever after. But that's definitely not to everyone's taste or even anyone's taste in general, broadly so. Things to consider)

today's (8/21) fill isn't happening. Tomorrow's fill, possibly.

thank fuck 8/23's fill has been done for ages now

and I'm picking away at fills for 8/24 and 8/25 for now (bc I can't sleep until I get more done, even if it's just a few lines that I wind up deleting)

[gobbluthbutagirl]

the fact that i have been back in the second-worst carolina’s neighbor to the south for over two weeks now and this is the first night i have actually been able to sleep in my own room due to all the junk my siblings left in there that had to be cleared out first. insanity