#that fitz vacker be allowed to be happy?

[kale-of-the-forbidden-cities]

reading lodestar and... the fact that Alvar cause even more mistrust in their family than there already was. they all care about each other, but they never feel like they can trust each other.

I forget if it was Fitz or Biana who said that it felt like their parents wanted to keep more of an eye on them and know about every little thing they're doing.

And it wasn't just Alvar's fault - there has always been such a divide between all the members in this little corner of the Vacker family. Alden sending Fitz off to the forbidden cities, Biana felt left out of everything they were doing, Della had to have known something was going on (and if she didn't, that says a lot about her as a mother). I don't think Alden was ever really open to any of them about anything. Biana was often left to play by herself as a kid. Fitz did anything to make his dad happy. Della knew Alden was up to something, causing mistrust in their relationship, Fitz not being allowed to tell anyone about the things he went through except Alden, Fitz became so dependant on him.

I don't know where I'm going with this

[amandayetagain]

It's You | Fedex Secret Santa 2022

a red string soulmate au where Fitz can’t see his string, and Dex can see all of them. Dex’s parents weren’t soulmates- but they were in love, and shamed for it. So of course Dex doesn’t want to turn his back on his family by finding his soulmate. Only, he does- and has kept it a secret for five years. Things get complicated when his soulmate, Fitz Vacker, asks for his help to find the person on the other end of his string. Oops?

Finding the person on the other end of his red string had never been high on Dex’s list of priorities. Especially since he was one of the gifted few who saw all of the strings. Which obviously made it significantly more difficult. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy a challenge- just that he didn’t care.

His parents weren’t soulmates. But they were so in love, it was sickening to watch. Since they decided to essentially flip off society by getting married anyway, by daring to have children- they were ostracized. If his parents could be that happy together, the red strings didn’t really matter anymore, did they?

Yet Dex still found himself wondering. Who was tied to him? Did his soulmate want to find him? Had his soulmate tried to find him? Would something happen to his soulmate if they didn’t find him? Would they be shunned, like his own family? Did that mean he had a responsibility to at least try to find his soulmate?

It was a lot. 

Emphasis on the past tense. 

Five years ago, he had found his soulmate. 

“You’re lucky,” Biana complained, directing her grievance at Sophie and Keefe. “You two found each other the first week you were both at Foxfire. I learned Morse Code for my soulmate, and they won’t even tap back.”

“Have you considered that your soulmate doesn’t know Morse Code?” Fitz inquired. His little sister scoffed.

“Of course not. If my soulmate is anything like me, they would be trying their absolute hardest to communicate.”

“It could be an opposites-attract kind of situation,” Sophie suggested. 

“What a slacker.”

“At least you can see your string,” Fitz teased. 

He looked down at his pinky finger, tracing the invisible tie to his soulmate. He plucked at it as if it were from a guitar. Shit. Dex jolted upward as a twang vibrated through his body. A pang of guilt struck him, and he desperately grasped at a chance to change the subject.

“It isn’t a competition to see who’s got it the worst, okay? This is, frankly, depressing.”

“He’s right,” Linh piped. “The Neverseen are finally out of the picture, and you all have just found something else to latch onto. It’s not healthy! The elite levels are meant for figuring out what to do for eternity, not moping around over soulmates that you have forever to find.”

“With that logic, we also have forever to figure out our careers,” Tam pointed out, not looking up from his book.

Linh huffed, crossing her arms.

“Not the backup I was looking for, Tam.”

“I’ve managed perfectly well without a soulmate to help me. I've never needed one before, and I’m not about to start now.”

Despite agreeing with Tam, his words didn’t sit right with Dex.

------------------------------------------------------

The day had been going fine before Fitz showed up, if you could believe it. Dex’s mom had taken the triplets to Havenfield with Aunt Eda and Uncle Grady. Kesler was in the shop, so nobody was home to interrupt. Dex could just . . . be. Also, being home alone meant full access to the kitchen. No greedy siblings (or dad) to steal whatever he was cooking.

He didn’t even get to raid the pantry before the doorbell rang.

Making his way towards the door, Dex took a moment to mourn his free time. 

“Oh . . . hi, Fitz. Not to be rude, but . . . why are you here?”

His cheeks pink, and he grins, looking down at his feet. He tilted his head up slightly, aiming his abashed smile directly at Dex. 

“I need to talk to you about something. It’s pretty important- to me, at least.”

Dex stepped aside, allowing space for Fitz to come in. 

“What is it?”

Fitz straightened, taking a deep breath to seemingly summon courage. Dex had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what happened next. 

His instincts didn’t fail him.

“I need you to help me find my soulmate.”

Dex stumbled backwards, eyes widening. He could feel his heartbeat accelerate, breaths coming short and fast. How did Fitz even know he could help with that? That he could see the strings?

“Sophie didn’t mean to tell me- it just came up in cognate training. And since I can’t see my string . . . I figured you could help me.”

If you’d bother to try, you’d know I’m right here, he wanted to scream. Did you really just give up because you can’t see your string?

“Why should I help you,” he dared, crossing his arms. 

Fitz’s expression morphed to one of confusion, pained. As if he’d just been slapped by someone he cared for. 

“Because . . . we’re, or at least I thought we were . . . friends.”

“Friends.”

“Yeah! After the prison break on Exile, I thought we were good.” His eyes dropped to a ring he wore on his right ring finger. “You even gave me a panic ring.”

“I gave everyone a panic ring,” Dex said, softening.

“You still didn’t have to give me one. I can go- I guess I just, um,” he struggled to find the right words. “I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry. I’ll-I’m just going to,” he stumbled backwards, laughing it off. “Go. I’ll go. Um, that’s probably a good idea.”

“Don’t. I’ll help you. Come in.”

He turned, walking briskly back to the kitchen. Fitz rushed behind him, closing the door. 

“Really? You will?”

“I said I would, didn’t I?”

“I’ve thought about it a ton,” Fitz said, getting down to business. “And it might be harder, but I think it's best to look for them at an event where most of the population will be. The Celestial Festival is perfect, we can just levitate above, and the string will be easy to see. I can make it up to you however you want.”

“You’re making this sound like a transaction.”

And if Dex was being smart about this, he would treat it like one. When Fitz was around, things got complicated.

“Well- I thought-”

“We’re friends, aren’t we?” 

Such a dangerous thing to be.

Dex could practically feel the warmth of Fitz’s blush from the other side of the cabinet door.

“Right.”

He probably shouldn’t take so much joy in being the cause of Fitz’s blush- or his entire dilemma, but he finally got why Keefe liked to play the “Make Foster Blush Game” so much. It was kind of intoxicating. 

“Ripplenuts? They’re roasted.”

“Uh, sure.”

“So, what now?”

Fitz raked a hand through his hair, looking sheepish.

“I didn’t think that far, to be honest. Would you be against . . . hanging out? The Celestial Festival is this weekend, and I have to bring a date, and since you’re going to be there with me anyway, we could, you know, go together?”

“Are you sure your family would be okay with that?”

He shrugged.

“They’re the ones making me bring someone, so they don’t really have a choice in the matter.”

“That’s kind of surprising,” Dex commented, sitting down. “That your family is making you bring a date- I thought they were kind of strict when it comes to soulmate stuff.”

“They are. Dating anyone before your soulmate is viewed as a practice relationship. It supposedly helps you better commit to a real relationship with your soulmate. It’s kind of manipulative, but as long as both parties know what they signed up for, it’s fine. It’s pretty common, actually.”

Dex . . . didn’t know how to feel.

Did his parents think they could shelter this from him? Was he a practice date? A fake practice date? Did he want to be Fitz’s date?

That would certainly simplify things. 

He shouldn’t be, though. Distance was key to indifference. And as long as Dex could at least act like he didn’t care, hopefully it would be on its way to becoming reality.

“It’ll be nice to go without having to worry if Sophie will create a big enough spectacle to impress the Council, or if the Neverseen will attack,” Fitz reasoned, blushing softly. “The former was still rather enjoyable though.”

The former. 

That was what- four? Four-ish years ago?

After Sophie had gotten her abilities reset, she was under enormous pressure to dazzle the entire elvin world with Silveny as the finale to Orem’s performance. What made it even more stressful was that Silveny had recently broken her wing. It also didn’t help that taking the alicorn to go get her abilities reset was an act of treason (according to Bronte). And since Grady had let her go, the Council had to decide on a punishment.

It was a hectic time.

But while he was there, he realized that Fitz, Keefe, and Biana weren’t just Sophie’s friends- they were his too. 

“What do you mean you’ve never been to a Celestial Festival,” Fitz had gasped, mouth agape. Everyone goes!”

“Clearly not everyone.”

“Why?”

“We usually watch a movie instead. My parents said it wouldn’t be the same without Uncle Grady and Aunt Eda, and they haven’t been up for it since before I was born.”

Right. Jolie’s death. 

“At least they’re doing better now,” he offered.

“Yeah. I feel like I barely know them- they’re so much happier now. Where’s your family?”

He shrugged, gesturing towards a cacophony of Vackers. 

“Somewhere in there. Keefe and Biana got a little trapped.”

“Aren’t you going to save them?”

“Nah.”

Fitz turned back to face Dex, resting on his side. Even under at least three layers of tailored clothes, he was shivering, breath puffing out into the air. A fluff-lined hood framed his face, snowflakes caught in his eyelashes.

“Didn’t your parents teach you temperature regulation?” Dex asked, reaching out to feel how cold Fitz’s pink cheeks were with the back of his hand. “You come here every year, don’t you?”

He blushed at the touch, eyes widening the tiniest bit.

“I’m pretty sure your parents are the only ones unique enough to do that.”

“You mean weird.”

“Yeah,” Fitz agreed. “But weird isn’t a bad thing.”

A gentle smile played across Dex’s face.

Fitz shifted closer, imitating what Dex had done-was still doing- to estimate his temperature.

“You know your lips are going to get chapped, right?”

“I came prepared,” Fitz exclaimed, sitting up abruptly to dig through his pockets. He pulled out a tube of chapstick triumphantly, eyes sparkling. He grinned, carefully covering his lips in deep concentration.

And for some indecipherable reason, Dex couldn’t tear his eyes away.

“Sure. For convenience.”

“Yeah. Sure.”

He had the nerve to be disappointed when this was all to find his soulmate? This was his plan, not Dex’s. It also didn’t really sit right, being a ‘practice date.’ Even if he was Fitz’s soulmate. A lot of things hadn’t been sitting right, recently.

------------------------------------------------------

The night of the Celestial Festival came far too quickly.

“Nobody wants to miss the finale,” Fitz informs Dex. “It’ll have the most highly concentrated number of elves.”

“Yeah, yeah. I remember.”

Dex tries and fails to keep a smile from cracking his solemn facade. His soulmate was just so serious. It was a sharp contrast from what he had grown up with, messing with nobles in Slurp and Burps, having snowball fights in the yard.

“We’ve gone over it a million times,” Dex continues. “It’s going to be fine. You can relax. The Celestial Festival is supposed to be fun, right?”

“Right.”

He exhales, tension leaving his body.

“Better?”

“Much.”

Fitz flashed Dex a smile, and fuck, Dex was screwed. What was he even doing? All it took was a soft smile and warm, trusting eyes, and his heart practically stopped. Where were his defenses when he needed them? When had he dropped his guard?

“Are you alright,” he asked, eyebrows drawn together in concern. “Dex?”

“Y-yeah,” Dex stammered. He had simply lost his control over his respiratory system. No big deal. 

“Are you sure?”

A chorus of screams raced through Dex’s mind. No! He was not alright! He was being too sweet with his double-checking, and worried forehead crease, and hands reaching out to hold Dex’s, and oh stars, Fitz’s eyes hadn’t once left Dex’s.

He broke their gaze, looking down at their fingers twined together.

“You don’t have to do this,” Fitz added. His breath was warm against Dex’s forehead, and Dex cursed his growth spurt for stopping before he could at least match Fitz’s height. “We can stay down here, and watch the show.”

His eyes flicked back up to Fitz’s, vulnerable as hell.

“Really?”

“Of course.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fitz was trying so goddamn hard. He was being so fucking considerate, and if he didn’t know him so well, Dex might have believed he was fine. 

“Screw you, Fitz Vacker,” Dex cursed, resting his forehead on Fitz's chest. 

“I’m sorry, what?”

Dex let go of Fitz’s hands, fisting his own in the thick fabric at Fitz’s hips. And that boy, that sweet, sweet boy, hugged him.

“Give me your hand,” Dex managed, voice muffled.

It took a beat for Fitz to respond.

“Uh, no.”

“What do you mean, no?”

“I don’t want to.”

“It’s about your string.”

“I got that,” he said, frustrated. “I don’t care.”

Dex drew back, searching Fitz’s face for some sign of a lie, a clue of some sort to help him comprehend the statement. But he came up empty. 

“Dex.”

“Give me a minute,” Dex said, shaking his head. “Give me a minute.”

“Dex . . . I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to find my soulmate. Look at your parents! That could be us!”

“I never really aspired to become my parents,” Dex stammered. 

“Look, I’ve got my own issues to work through, with whatever the hell the Vacker Legacy is- or was, and expectations, and if I’m being totally honest here, I didn’t ask you to help me find my soulmate so you could actually find my soulmate. I just wanted an excuse,” he confessed, shoulders sagging. “To be with you.”

“You know you don’t actually need an excuse to spend time with me? And if I’m being totally honest, this is kind of out of the blue for me?”

“I’m sorry about that- this hasn’t been going at all the way I wanted it to- let me start over.”

Dex nodded, squeezing Fitz’s hand.

“Would you, Dex Dizznee, want to go out with me, Fitz Vacker, on a real date? None of the not-soulmates business messing it up?”

“About that,” Dex started. “Not to undermine your dramatic confession and rejection of prevalent societal norms, but . . .”

He took Fitz’s other hand, placing it on top of their string.

They met eyes, Fitz at a loss.

“Go on.”

He ran his fingertips across the string, slowly stopping as he came to the other end.

“It’s not going through you.”

“It’s not going through me.”

“It’s tied to you.”

“Yup,” Dex agreed, trying desperately to keep his cool.

Fitz sat down, drawing his knees to his chest. His eyes were wide, errantly blinking.

Dex sat down next to him, making sure to give his soulmate some breathing room. He looked like his brain was going hundreds of miles an hour. It was . . . kind of cute, situation aside.

“How . . . how long have you known?”

“Well, I was pretty sure it was you the day you called me Deck-” Fitz’s cheeks heated “-but I was absolutely certain after the break on Exile,” he admitted. “I didn’t really know how to feel about it. I knew how I was supposed to feel about it, if I was a normal kid, born into a normal family, but I’m not. My parents told me they’d be happy no matter what choice I made. It’s probably true- but it’s still a loaded decision.”

“Then how am I supposed to tell you,” Fitz managed, voice breaking. “I’m so glad it’s you?”

“You just did.”

Fitz buried his face in his hands, ineffectively raking a mittened hand through his hair as he looked back at his soulmate. Wow, his soulmate. They were soulmates.

“Stars, Dex- I’m so glad it’s you.”

Dex tackled Fitz in a hug, laughing. 

“And I thought I was a dork.”

“I’m not entirely sure what that word means, but it sounds like an insult.”

“I can’t believe you know.”

“That you’re my soulmate, or that I’m your soulmate?”

“At risk of sounding self-obsessed, the latter,” Dex clarified, chest light. Sharing a secret had never felt so good. It was freeing, almost.

“It’s you,” Fitz whispered, head nestled against Dex’s neck.

“Yeah. It’s me.”

@booksscienceandmath @squishmallow36

[synonymroll648]

hi um i kind of took this as an opportunity to agree w/ your headcanons and also dish back some of mine that i thought were related to yours and it got to a point what most people would probably consider Long, so. putting this under the cut. sorry man i’m dynamite and sokeefitz is a lit match and i exploded /pos 

same!! love triangle -> ot3 is almost always the best option. do you mean keefe visiting sophie and fitz in flashback? like the healing center scenes? if so i definitely understand why, there was so much potential there with keefe and fitz getting their shit together that didn’t happen...sadness. anyway. in fanon, i totally agree, sophie and keefe and fitz would benefit in the long run from being in a polyamorous relationship. the reasons you listed explain it a lot better than i probably could tbh. 

LMAO ‘this is already a lot’?? my man you just got started. i myself have no idea what a reasonable length for headcanons is but i’m pretty sure i’ve broken bullet list character limits before when screaming about sokeefitz. if you wanna talk more about them than you already have, go for it. either here or in my askbox, i’m happy to listen. oooh what ideas do you have for drawing a big scene with them?? (if you want some ideas, i could rattle off some stuff i’ve thought of but haven’t gotten around to drawing.) dude go off w/ brant art!! he’s a very fun messed up guy to draw, from what i’ve seen :) 

i’ve thought of the first two as well!! i think that one deleted scene from neverseen where keefe’s warped reflection was him but goth says a lot. he should get to be goth. also i think that him using cosmetics as just another art medium and his face as a canvas is something he deserves. (people have talked about keefe getting into nail art too, and they’re right, in my humble opinion.) also fitz finally getting to dye his hair pink like shannon said he would if he got the chance...so important to me, man. i could scream more about fitz but we would be here forever if i did. same goes for sophie but i will say i think she should get to at least chop her hair to a bob cut. maybe even shorter, like a pixie cut. she deserves it. (also let her get her own masc clothes please please please-)

apologies for derailing this from what you were saying, sorry if i overstepped. anyway! them racing in human parking lots is very intriguing to me. what are they using? bikes (since sophie can canonically bike)? rollerskates? skateboards? running on foot (since fitz used to be good at that, but also that might not work so well for him after the events of flashback)? are skills allowed? teleportation? hell, does keefe get to go zoom in a shopping cart? you can’t just leave me hanging, mx. (i mean, you can, but still. i would love to hear more if you don’t mind sharing)

fitz experimenting with she/her pronouns!!! ohhhhhhh i think you would love the reina vacker headcanons from way back. (they’re from before i joined tumblr, though.) the fandom went T4T SOPHITZ and dreamed up reina vacker and simon foster. there’s also other transfem fitz posts but yeah. fitz experimenting w/ she/her pronouns <333 (in my heart’s headcanons fitz doesn’t stick w/ she/her pronouns but takes it as a good learning curve. seeing transfem fitz headcanons is still fun though! keefe on the other hand screams transfem. that kid is not cis)

hi i saw you say you're qpr sokeefitz trash and SAME. please scream to me about them your honor (if you have energy and time for it. if not that's totally fine, have a lovely rest of your day)

*SCREAMS*

I will always have energy to talk about them. There all such disasters.

The small section of sokeefitz fics give a lilt into gpr territory and unique relationships. Just...anytime there's a love triangle (cough angle cough) in fiction I just make them a polycule. All these interactions and long days of fighting and overtly confused feelings. I rotate the Keefe visiting sophie and Fitz in lodestar in my head all the time. I just feel like a relationship like that would help heal all of them. For Fitz to work out his identity issues and sense of self, for Keefe to know that people NEED him to stay in their lives and for Sophiw to have people around to help her.

Oh god this is already a lot. Ahhhhhh I just love them. I really wanna draw a big scene for them but I'm like thinking of doing some villain stuff. Particularly with Brant. I'm sure I'll come around to it

Idk I just imagine them, in the future, experimenting with style and laying in the woods and racing in human parking lots. Like dirtbag teenagers coming over the crash of saving the world. They deserve it.

(In my hcs I assume Fitz will experiment with she/her pronouns. My little opinions)

[crymeariveronceagain]

Do you think Fitz and Sophie being cognates will last?

*scratches chin* uhhh

well

honestly, not really. She cannot ever tell anyone everything, because of her bio mom, and maybe eventually her bio dad as well, and then her feelings for him, her crush on Keefe at the same time she was dating him, her problems with Lord Cassius and Alden Vacker, everything she keeps away from the light, and because of that, her side of the cognate bond is never going to be very strong with him.

But, also. Fitz is most likely hiding quite a bit from Sophie. Why else would he be so worried about her sharing everything? There's clearly a reason he thinks their bond is going to be weak, and it doesn't have to do with her, it has to do with him. Especially if I'm right about Alden in general(i need to post about that sometime and why I think that man would be the best villain of all time), Fitz is probably hiding a lot of little things.

Or maybe he's not. She won't. And they'll be cognates forever.

The thing is, the whole thing is really emotionally unsafe for them. Like, think about it. They dated. Staying so emotionally and thoughtfully connected is not going to help either of them get over the fact that their relationship won't ever be going anywhere.

Cognates in general piss me off, and it's one thing if it's two adults, but it's another thing if it's two emotionally challenged teenagers with crushes on each other. As a former teenager, I can tell you, there would have been nothing I'd have hated more than someone I liked a ton knowing everything about me.

So, yeah. I kind of think these two becoming cognates in general was a poor decision on everyone's part, but yeah.

They could make it, I suppose.

But it might not be healthy for them.

[gay-otlc]

Unlocked Recap

Everything I'm saying is accurate you can trust me bro

Sophie's registry file misgenders them :(

Being mad about the series' portrayal of trichotillomania, part 420

The council is either deliberately misunderstanding the Moonlark Project so as to not acknowledge they suck, or Shannon forgot her own character's motives. Hoping for the former.

Bronte listens to Foxfire gossip. Does he walk up to students and demand they spill the tea? What happens here? Shannon what?

Let Elwin punch Bronte 2k22

Elwin Does Not have time for alloromantic bullshit.

Transmasc Fitz rights

Biana has an ✨exceptional accent✨ hoot hoot

"when it comes to emulating Biana's style, the most important element is staying true to who you are" queer coded Biana confirmed?

Queer coded Dizznees have been confirmed from the beginning but always nice to see more of it.

Tiergan and Prentice got majorly sappho and her friend-ed by the Council.

Marella registered for the match, what's up with that?

Horses are only for girls now. But the Lost Cities don't have gender roles.

RUMOR HAS IT THAT MARELLA AND LINH DO ADDITIONAL TRAINING TOGETHER

Little Miss Perfect Della propaganda- unlikely the Matchmakers are good enough for the number one match to work out perfectly, she chose Alden for the image.

Marella has a stuffed kelpie named Sir Splashyhugs pass it on.

Exillium is a neurodivergent metaphor.

Elwin's nonbinary, it's canon now.

Sophie knows about the stallion. She just tries very hard not to think about it, which is fair.

Sophie's accusation that Tiergan lied to her is unfair. He shared way more than he was probably supposed to and when he did lie by omission he did so very badly.

Moral ambiguity!! :D

Oralie is arospec, it's also canon.

The FANCY VACKER ACCENT HOOT HOOT

Keefe hates the idea of making the matchmakers happy, sounds perfectly straight to me.

Fitz has unresolved feelings for Keefe and Keefe is like "hmm I'm wondering who all that romantic tension is meant for." Figure it out dumbass

We will never have enough of Sophie calling Edaline "Mom"

Similarly, we will never have enough of Dadwin.

Ro's still a bitch, but now she's a queer coded bitch.

Keefe got to flip Ro off! Slay.

Biana runs laps every morning hmmgngggjdlkf I am gay

Solreef family angst potential regarding Glimmer + Wylie kidnapped by Neverseen ???

Glimmer and Biana were definitely flirting with one another.

Tiergan has officially joined Grady in the protective anxious father squad <3

I think Keefe and Grady should bond over having a power that allows them to manipulate others and makes them fear themselves. As a treat.

[bookwyrminspiration]

Ok, so from what I'm getting, there are two or three major fanon versions of Fitz

1- Irredeemable asshole that only seeks to hurt Sophie in order to make himself happy, a selfish son of a bitch. Does not have one empathetic bone in his body

2- Tiny little baby man, perfectly put together. Doesn't have to try. Perfect tin every way possible and has the neatest hand writing imaginable. Oblivious. Presentable Gifted Kid™

3- A well prwesentable mess. Sleep? What's that? Goes to sleep at 2 am and gets up at 5 am. Lives off of coffee. Stress bakes. He spends 90% of his time studying to live up to the expectations. He is the group mom, people think he has a tiny room but that's just an appearance. When people leave the house it looks like a bomb just dropped. Sir please put down the coffee it is bad for you. Please take my hug. Please take a break. Adorable. Never learnt how to process his emotions so he drowns himself in honour programs and work to distract himself from his problems. Has the second messiest hand writing known to man, only second to Dex, but he makes sure that any work that he has to hand in is cleaned and trimmed to perfection. 12 am to 1 am is spent baking the days stress away. Never learnt how to socialise properly because he has spent his life as if he were an exhibition to be gawked at. Is a little baby man that needs to let loose and relax. Genuine Gifted Kid™

I'm sure you can tell which one is my favourite /srs /lh

-Heathen

Heathen! Hello! You know what that seems like a pretty solid summary of the different fanon versions of him, though of course given that this is fanon all of these version make him a moc of some kind. Desi is a fairly popular one, though just generally being brown is also common. I personally think of them as Mexican simply because I am, but the vackers being poc is nearly ubiquitous across fanon versions of him.

But back to Fitz specifically!

Yep, you nailed that one. I've observed that this is most common among young sokeefe (meaning under 13) shippers and is typically found on other sites. That's not to say everyone under 13 hates him or that you have to be under 13 to hate him or that it's not on tumblr at all, but it's definitely a lot less common among older fans on tumblr. This perspective seems to approach Fitz with the absolute worst faith possible and sees every action he takes as proof he doesn't care about anyone or anything and is a horrible person and therefore it's justified to not like him when really people are allowed to just say they don't like a character. It's like "Fitz sneezed when Sophie was talking which clearly means he doesn't respect what she has to say and doesn't pay attention to her at all. And all the 'bless yous he got?' so selfish, he doesn't care about anyone but himself." Like my dudes it was a sneeze (this is an example this hasn't actually happened)

ah yes, the overly fond affection that attempts to justify all of his actions. To be honest i haven't really seen that one a lot, but I feel like it's likely in response to the first one. Being online people absorb this idea that the characters you like are reflective of who you are so you have to like good characters, and so bad actions are excused/justified/shoved under the rug in denial of people's mistakes, or trying to make them not as big of a deal as they are. Just a thought tho! But yes I think he embodies the Presentable Gifted Kid vibe so well. This kind of portrayal of him I think is the one that makes him the sweetest, like just the super kid dork full of love and affection. Not that he isn't, but it's like dialed all the way up, you know?

This is the burnt out gay gifted kid whose life is coming crashing down around him but he's just trying to coast through it portrayal, which is endearing and also relatable. it takes the caring from before but also makes him an absolute mess, like he's just this guy /pos. He's falling apart at the seams but also loves his friends so much and doesn't know what to do with himself. I think he's one of the most common portrayals of him I see in this fandom, but that's just based off my memory and exposure to fics (and I don't read a lot of fic, ironically). Like I have nothing else to add you've absolutely nailed it. Stress baking? Never learned how to process emotions? Group mom? Check, check, and check!

There may be some other fanon portrayals of who he is, but I can't think of any off the top of my head. You seem to have it all covered! And you also seem to like the one most of the fandom likes, so that probably will make it a lot easier to find fic portrayals of him like that if that's something that suits your interest

I simply love him, your honor. Personally tend to stick to closer to canon portrayals, but sometimes it's fun to dabble in Fitz But He's A Little Fucked Up, Actually. He's just such a guy! Really is the character of all time <33

[enbies-and-felonies]

ok bc you made one comment about keefe calling sophie “soph” here is a breakdown of the nicknames i gave sun i hope you enjoy:

so ok here’s an explanation of the nicknames they call each other. Sophie would call them just their names, normally, but if they got kinda needy this would change to ‘babe’ or something simple. This isn’t because of lack of affection but more because they grew up very unattached from who they were. What their name was supposed to be verses the reality often varied in an extreme way. So, in just calling them their names, it’s Sophie trying to be like ‘I love you not for your “titles” of Vacker of Scenic but for you, Fitz or Keefe’. Fitz however goes the entirely different route of giving them nicknames that’s completely not their name (love or flower) because with him everyone knows about Fitzroy. In hearing that name everyone expects something that isn’t really him, but he can’t afford to let them down because that’s also not who he is. In being with Sophie and Keefe he doesn’t really feel that way; he can just be without any strings attached, so he avoids anything near those titles to show that he doesn’t want to lie to them or put pressure on them. He just wants a normal high school relationship. Keefe then kinda is the happy middle between these two relationships because he changes their name but doesn’t get rid of it entirely. That’s because he knows you can’t avoid what people expect from you forever, but that doesn’t have to change what you really feel. You get to choose what you do with the name you were born with and his way of showing Sophie and Fitz that he loves them is like ‘I choose you’.

(ps that feeling you get of not being able to talk? that selective mutism babe <3 it’s really common in austim <333)

!! the way you put so much thought behind even their nicknames is SO!!! hang on i need to find the right words for it. MARVELOUS. it's so marvelous to me <3333

and you're so right about it!!!!!!! esp. with the sophie+identity part of it, because like. names are so fucky about connection to the self sometimes, and esp when it comes to who keefe and fitz are as people and what titles mean for them bc of their families. ofc sophie would be the one to want to remind them that they love them for *them* /pos

and fitz... oh love.... i love your interpretation of fitz because it feels so real to me, like you really understand his character. i think i tend to emphasize certain aspects of him without capturing the whole, but you really get him!! it makes sense that he would be the one to use pet names! because for him, pet names come from the amount of love he's putting into the relationship (plus the names are so sweet <3)

and keefe!! SO SO true!!!! i feel like for him it's also the importance of being who you are with the people you love/feel safe with, vs who you are to everyone else. like. sophie is sophie to everyone, but when they're with keefe and fitz they're allowed to be soph; still themself but in a unique way <3

[ravs6709]

These Feelings Inside (How Deep Do They Go)

Chapter 1- Filled With Warmth

Artwork found here by @xkcd2020!

Read on ao3

Masterlist. Previous. Next.

Sophie Foster has been pining after Fitz Vacker for years. With no sign of him returning the feelings, she goes through heartbreak. A siren takes advantage of this, and tries to transfer their curse to her. However, the process goes awry. Now, Sophie must find a way to stay human, or risk losing her memories- or the memories of those she loves.

Aka a Sokeefitz au heavily inspired by Siren's Lament (the webtoon by instantmiso)

Side ships include Marellinh, QPR Dexiana, and some bonus ones!

Okay, so uh... hi! This is my contribution to the @kotlc2021collab! It's a little late for reasons, but it's now here! Thank you to @fanartofthelostcities for being my beta reader, and @xkcd2020 for being my artist! The summary for this fic is above! I'm so excited to share this with you, I've enjoyed myself writing, and I hope you enjoy reading it!

So welcome to chapter 1, aka, the really long prologue! I'm not going to say much else, but just one thing so to not be confused at first. Fitz is a trans guy, but he doesn't come out until later in the chapter.

Warnings: Mentioned death

Anyways, enjoy! Oh, and the art can be found here!

•~•~•~•~•~•

Sophie Foster pulled her grey hoodie further over her head, pulling the strings so everything could be blocked out. The sight, the sounds, everything . But it wasn't working at all. When, just when, would all these people just leave her alone?

•~•~•~•~•~•

Her first day of middle school wasn't as bad. As long as she kept herself invisible, stopped herself from standing out, her experiences from before wouldn't be repeated. She would get through the day, and then meet the new people who had decided to adopt her.

It worked. Nobody bothered paying attention to the small girl wearing dull colours. It was a relief.

She didn't even remember what happened next, only that her temporary guardian had come in, saying that her new parents had arrived. Sophie pulled the hood off of her head, but she still kept her arms in her pocket.

When she stepped out of the room, she saw the two new faces. They looked a little older than she'd imagined, somewhere in their fifties, maybe? Two figures stood there: one with amber hair and a serene smile; the other blond with a more friendly grin.

"Hello Sophie," the amber-haired one greeted. "I heard your pronouns are she and her, right?"

Sophie gave them a hesitant smile, then nodded. If they were polite enough to confirm that, then they couldn't be that bad, would it?

"I'm Edaline, she and her."

"I'm Grady," the other one added. "He and him. If you prefer, you can call us mom and dad. Or use our names, your choice." He added when she didn't say anything else.

"We'll do our best to make sure that you feel happy," Edaline promised. "But for now, small steps. You'll come with us to your new home. If you need, we'll give you space, but we'll be right here."

"Okay," Sophie murmured.

And it wasn't too bad. They were exceptionally kind, and it felt nice. Sometimes, they would look tired and distance themselves a little bit, but Sophie understood, as sometimes, she felt the same way.

With her home life improving, it made her feel better about herself. Still, no one had tried to hurt her at school, so maybe, just maybe, she could stop trying to blend in that much. Maybe she could try and make a friend?

•~•~•~•~•~•

Out of the sports that they had played in gym class, volleyball was her favourite. But even then, it was way more fun to watch than to actually play. There was one girl in her class who just seemed to have a lot of fun though. Her name was Biana, and she was talented. She was light on her feet, and her teal eyes would gleam whenever she made a good volley.

They were like opposites in just about every way. Sophie was frail and pale and blonde and bad at social interactions and physical exercises. Biana was chubby, had brown skin and brown hair, she had plenty of friends and she was actually good at more sports than volleyball. They were completely different people, in different worlds too.

So when Biana came up to her, she was surprised. Because this was Biana Vacker! What was she doing talking to Sophie?

"You're Sophie, right?" The brunette asked. Sophie blinked, because Biana remembered her name? "I'm Biana! Wanna be my partner for volleying practice?"

Sophie looked around. She didn't even realize when their gym teacher had given the order to be in pairs. She looked back at Biana in shock. Usually, Sophie was one of the people who was last to find their partner. 

"Okay."

"Great!" She stepped away so they could start the exercise.

The ball went back and forth, and it was enjoyable. The ball hardly ever touched the ground. On Sophie's side, it was a little weak, but Biana didn't make any complaints about it, nor did she tease her. Occasionally, she even received praises.

"You're pretty good actually," Biana stated. "A little weak, but you have potential. Are you just scared?"

Sophie shrugged, before rushing to hit the ball again. It was sloppier than intended, but it made it to the general location it was supposed to, so it was fine.

The whistle was blown, signifying the end of the activity.

"That was fun! I'll see you around!"

Sophie only gave a nod as Biana moved to join one of the groups that would play in a game. This didn't seem too bad actually. 

•~•~•~•~•~•

Just like Biana had said, Sophie would see her quite frequently. At first it was only in gym class. Biana came up to her a few more times and asked to be her partner. Then during science.

"Do you understand this part?" Biana asked as she leaned on the desk.

They were doing electricity. The sciences weren't really Sophie’s best subjects, but she was still able to understand them quite well. So Sophie nodded, and explained it the best she could. Apparently it worked, as Biana let out an "oh that makes sense", flashed her a smile and then went back to her desk.

It happened like that. The interactions weren't huge, they were small and comfortable. They were pleasant, actually. But there was just one thing.

"How come you've been talking to me so much recently?" She couldn't help but ask.

Biana froze for a moment, then continued walking. "I just felt like it, I guess. You looked like you wanted someone to talk to."

Sophie wasn't quite sure if she liked that answer. "That kinda sounds like pity."

"No! That's not what I meant! I mean, I know I'm pretty popular, but it's not like I was always like this. I get how it feels, wondering what it's like to have friends. And if I could be that person in someone's life, I think that's a good thing."

That made a little more sense, even if Sophie didn't understand it. "Don't you have your other friends?"

"It doesn't hurt to expand the friend circle, does it? I've wanted to invite you to my place for a while now, but it always seemed like you weren't quite comfortable."

Sophie hummed. "My elementary school experiences weren't exactly… pleasant."

Even thinking about it gave her the urge to pull out an eyelash. This time, she gave in to it.

"Oh. That's awful. I promise you I won't treat you so badly. My class is here, I'll see you later!"

Sophie smiled. "I'll think about it. Your offer."

"That's enough for me."

She went through the next class feeling surprisingly light. It must have been apparent because when she got home, Grady and Edaline noticed.

"I'm glad to see you smiling," Edaline told her. "Have a good day?"

She nodded. "I've made a friend."

Grady looked up from his laptop and smiled. "That's good, kiddo. What's their name?"

"Her name's Biana Vacker."

"A Vacker, huh," Grady murmured. "I knew a Vacker. I haven't heard from him in… close to fifteen years?"

"I think Juline told me that he moved out of the city around twelve years ago," Edaline told him.

"Did you know Biana's… biological father?" The words sounded weird in her mouth, but considering that Biana had once mentioned that she'd never met her father, and that her mom married another woman, it was probably the best term to use.

It was also odd hearing that Grady was familiar with someone. Not that he wasn't friendly- he was one of the more friendly people that Sophie knew. And being friendly helped when it came to working in the shop.

It felt like they were just being polite. They'd have small conversations with the customers, but that was it. They almost never left Havenfield. They were pretty distant. Sophie didn't mind it though, because sometimes, she needed a space where it would just be silent, and she could recharge.

"I don’t know if it's the same Vacker though. Does Biana have an older sister named Reina?"

Sophie thought about it for a moment. Biana was talkative, and Sophie didn't always pay attention, especially when it was more noise than she'd prefer. But she did remember an offhand comment about an older sister named Reina who had started high school. She nodded.

"Then yeah, I knew him. He wasn't the friendliest person I knew though. We worked together for a little bit."

"Oh."

"Tell me about Biana," Edaline said. "Is she a good friend?"

Sophie nodded again. "She's nice."

"That's good, it's always nice to have a friend."

Sophie noticed the solemn looks that Grady and Edaline shared, but she didn't think to question it.

"She wants to invite me to her house, but I don't know when yet. Would I be allowed to go?"

"Just text us when you ask," Edaline said. "We'll let you know if we need you here or not."

•~•~•~•~•~•

It was about a week later when Sophie decided that she's ready to go to Biana's. With each day that had passed by, she found it easier to hold a conversation. It was a nice feeling, and she wished that she'd been able to feel like this during elementary school. Maybe that was how most people felt.

She walked over to Biana's locker.

"Hi Biana," she began, her voice a little quieter than she'd like it to be.

Biana turned to her, her face brightening. "You wanna come over today?"

She nodded.

"You want me to invite some friends too? Or do you just want it to be the two of us?"

"The two of us, if that's okay."

"That's fine with me. Do your parents know?"

Sophie took out her phone and texted them- she was always more comfortable texting than calling. A minute later, she had a reply saying that she could go.

"They do now."

"Great!" she said, slamming the locker shut and then locking it. "Let me call maan first. But we could start walking home by the time."

Biana took out her phone and called Della, and there was another approval. "You wanna link arms?"

Sophie looked at Biana's arm, then back at hers. Before she could decide otherwise, she linked her arm. They continued walking until they reached a large house that seemed to glow. Not a mansion, but still large. If she saw it a year earlier, she'd feel intimidated, but Havenfield Flowers was huge too, so she was a little more used to it. There wasn't any car in the driveway, which meant that Biana's mom- Della wasn't home, and neither was her wife.

"Maan will be home soon, so will mom. Reina's probably inside, or she'll be here soon."

They went inside, and sure enough, Reina was in there. Sophie had never seen Reina before, but it was obvious that it was her. She had the same teal eyes as Biana, and the same brown hair. She was taller though, her hair shoulder length instead of waist length.

"Haven't seen you stare at me for that long," Biana whispered, jabbing her gently with an elbow. "We practically look the same."

"I wasn't staring," Sophie hissed. "That's just weird."

"I mean, I can't control when my aesthetic attraction strikes. People are pretty, I'm not gonna shame you for that."

Sophie thought about the times before. Because people were pretty. Not just boys, girls too. She found it hard to be subtle about it, and it wasn't the first time someone had noticed. Just the first time for this year. She wasn't quite sure if she wanted to directly come out yet, so instead she said something else.

"They are." Then she walked over to Reina. "You're Biana's sister, right? Hello, I'm Sophie."

Her voice was pretty calm, which was a success. It didn't even matter that she wasn't making eye contact at the moment.

"Hi Sophie," Reina greeted. "Nice to meet you."

She nodded back. She didn't know what to say next, but luckily, Biana saved her.

"Sophie, do you play video games? We can play Mario Kart."

She smiled. "I like Mario Kart."

"Be careful Biana," Reina said. "You might find someone that'll beat you."

"If you lose to her I'm making fun of you for the next month."

Sophie had a feeling that she walked into a sibling rivalry. She took one of the controllers, and they started playing. At first she had to adjust to the controls as it had been a while since she last played, so she started off losing to both of the sisters. Reina looked smug while Biana looked almost disappointed.

The next match though, Sophie started off doing okay, but she managed to stay right behind the two sisters. She smirked when she got a blue shell, and waited for the right timing. She shouted in triumph when it hit the both of them and she passed them both, before winning the race.

Both of them gaped at her.

"You- since when were you behind us?" Biana asked.

Reina looked at her smugly. "I told you to be careful."

"Shut up!"

Sophie smiled. If this was what she had in store for the future, she didn't mind it.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Living at a flower shop meant that Sophie learned a lot about flowers. Customers would come in, and ask for flowers to suit an occasion.

"An apology?" Edaline asked. "Purple hyacinth would be nice."

Then she would move and get some of the flowers and place them in a bouquet. "I wish you luck."

The customer would pay and thank her. 

So when Grady went to get some dendrobium orchids, Sophie immediately realized.

The shop's closed, why would he need those?

They often symbolized respect and perfection. But there weren't any customers to sell them to. Edaline emerged from her room, wearing green, just like Grady was.

"Edaline?" Sophie asked. "What's going on?"

She felt like she had an idea, but she needed the remaining pieces to connect this puzzle.

"We're… planning to see someone," she explained, her voice sombre. "A… death anniversary. You don't have to come with us if you don't want to."

The words clicked. Dendrobium orchids were also used for mourning. The green they wore represented life. She vaguely remembered seeing a picture of a blonde-haired person, but she had never asked about it.

"I'll come with you, give me a few moments."

She went and took a shower, then changed into a green shirt and black pants. They left the shop and went into the car. It was silent.

"Can… can you tell me about them?" Sophie asked.

Grady and Edaline shared a look.

"She was our daughter. Her name was Jolie. She was a lot like you. Both kind and expressive, though she didn't have as much struggle showing it as you do."

"What happened to her?"

"She… she lost someone important to her. The pain was too much for her."

Oh . That explained so much. While they were aware that she would need space, they also did it because they needed it. If she reminded them of Jolie, then it had to have been painful.

"How… how long has it been?"

"This is the fifth year."

"Don't feel too bad about it," Grady told her. "I think I know what you're thinking. It… it is tough, but we wouldn't adopt you if we didn't want you. You're not causing us pain."

"...thank you, dad."

She looked at the car mirror to see his reaction, and she felt warmth when he smiled.

They arrived at the cemetery. It was quiet as they walked up to the grave.

Jolie Lucine Ruewen.

She was bright and always spread joy with her optimism. She was loved by many. Rest in peace.

1984-2006

She closed her eyes and listened as her parents mourned their first daughter. She never found herself to be that religious, but she sent her wishes, hoping that wherever Jolie was, she was content.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Sophie had stayed by Biana's side throughout the rest of middle school, and then went to high school, the same that Reina attended. Biana had decided to hang out with Sophie some more, and had distanced herself from some of her other friends.

"What about some of your other friends?" Sophie asked.

"I'm still keeping in touch with them, but I find that I don't feel like being around them as often. I just think it's better for my mental health, to not force myself to be around people I don't want to be around."

There was an implication that Biana actively wanted to be around her, but the thought alone was hard to process.

With that, Sophie found herself spending a lot of time with Biana and Reina. She didn't really have any other friends, but she was fine with the ones she had. Besides, she'd also recently met Dex- the nephew of Grady and Edaline.

As time passed by, she grew even closer to both Biana and Reina. 

It wasn't love at first sight, like people said it was. There was the warmth, the smile, the joy. All of those things were present when she was with her friends. Biana stayed by her side and always made her feel more welcome. But there was something about Reina that ended up catching her attention.

"Sophie, you're staring again," Biana whispered.

"I'm not!" she hissed, because Reina was right there.

"I'd tell you to stare at me instead, considering we look alike, but I'm too aro for this."

Sophie blinked. "You're aro?"

Biana shrugged. "I didn't tell you?

"She's very much aromantic!" Reina chimed in from the other couch.

"That's cool!" And for some reason, she felt the need to blurt out, "I'm bi."

"I kinda figured with the whole 'people are pretty' incident," Biana said. "But thanks for telling me outright."

It was such a casual response that really made it easier for Sophie.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Sophie was able to admit that Reina did look good. But that was all there was to it. Or well, that had been it. 

It happened during lunch. They usually ate somewhere that was relatively peaceful. Her earbuds had broken the other day, so she couldn't listen to music. On top of that, a crowd gathered in the hallway that they were sitting at.

She didn't know why they were there, but what she did know was that they were loud . Each sound felt like it was piercing through her ears. It was too loud, and she didn't have the music she needed to drown it out. She pulled her hoodie over her head, and put her hand over her ears. But it was still too loud.

She was pretty sure that she wasn't breathing, but she couldn't get herself to do it. There was too much, and she couldn't handle it. But then the world went quieter. There was only the soft melody of a piano. 

Sophie opened her eyes to see concerned teal eyes. She always struggled to make eye contact, but in this case, she found herself drowning in those eyes. It took a moment to realize that it was Reina who'd been in front of her, and another to realize that she was wearing headphones.

Did Reina… put her headphones on me?

Reina didn't say anything, just looked at her, breathing visibly. Sophie realized that she should do the same. Each breath was easier to make, especially with the piano in the background.

"Th-thank you," she whispered.

"I'll always help you, okay? Next time, if you feel overwhelmed, just give me a signal, okay?"

All she could do was nod. Because it was that moment when she started to fall in love.

•~•~•~•~•~•

"I know I've joked about it before, but you have a crush on my sister, don't you." It wasn't a question.

Sophie turned to Biana in shock. Because she did, and was it that obvious? Also, Reina had gone to the washroom, and who knows when she'd be back. What if she accidentally found out?

"No," she lied. It was probably an awful lie, but it was a lie. "I don't."

Biana raised an eyebrow.

"I don't."

"I see."

•~•~•~•~•~•

It was a typical tradition to start walking to one of their houses, and then the other would go home. Biana had volleyball tryouts, so she wasn't able to walk with them. 

"Hey Sophie, you work in a flower shop, right?" Reina asked. "Would I be allowed to join you, if I ask for permission?"

Neither of the Vacker siblings had asked to go to her house, but she knew that it wasn't because they didn't care, but because they did.

"Sure." She was a lot more familiar with Reina, she didn't find herself opposed to the idea. "Let me call my parents."

Some phone calls later, and they were on their way to Havenfield.

"Biana's going to be jealous," Reina remarked.

Sophie laughed. "Definitely."

•~•~•~•~•~•

When Reina walked around the shop to peer at the flowers, Sophie noticed.

Is she going to give them to someone?

Her suspicions were confirmed when Reina went to the counter and ordered some yellow roses.

Friendship. That's not so bad.

It wasn't, until she offered them to Sophie. She smiled, because Reina was giving her flowers, but they were purely platonic. She resisted the urge to scream. She took the flowers, because it was still sweet that Reina would buy them for her.

"I'm glad I met you," she said. "You're really great to be around."

Sophie really hoped that she wasn't blushing.

•~•~•~•~•~•

"Here," Sophie murmured, and thrusted her arms out.

She could feel her cheeks warm, which was a horrible idea, considering what she was doing.

"I felt like giving them to you… like how you gave me the roses a few days ago. They're alstroemerias."

Yellow ones, to be exact. They were another flower that meant friendship. Reina already made it clear what her feelings were.

But Reina's reaction confused her. She looked happy, but there was something off. But when Reina smiled and thanked her, she attributed it to her imagination.

•~•~•~•~•~•

"What's the gathering here for?" Biana asked.

"Okay, so," Reina looked nervous. "I'd like to announce that I'm a boy."

"Are you changing names too?" Sophie asked.

"Yeah, you can call me Fitzroy… or well, Fitz probably works better for me."

"Okay Fitz," Biana said. 

"I'm glad you told us," Sophie said. "Are you gonna use he/him pronouns, or something else?"

"He/him."

•~•~•~•~•~•

When Sophie was old enough to start working at Havenfield Flowers, she gladly took the chance. To be honest, she didn't really know what she wanted to do with her life, she didn't have any big plans. She liked helping Grady and Edaline, and she wouldn't mind if she worked there for the rest of her life.

So because of that, she chose not to go to university. Biana continued with playing volleyball, while Fitz went into business, because he wasn't sure what he quite wanted to do either. Though he decided to also start working at Havenfield Flowers.

She was surprised when one day, Biana walked into the shop with Dex.

"Wait what?" Both Dex and Sophie asked, pointing to each other.

"You know each other?" Biana asked.

"Uh…"

"Dex, what a surprise!" Edaline greeted. "How's Juline doing?"

"We're cousins," Sophie explained. "Where'd you find Dex?"

"He goes to my uni."

It was all the explanation that they needed. The four of them took the chance and caught up with each other. Fitz looked a little lost, considering that he hadn't met Dex once.

It may have just been the four of them, but Sophie found herself feeling warm. She wouldn't ever want to give up the life that she had.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Translator note: Maan means mom in hindi (but anglicized)

Kotlc Taglist: @keefeinnit @impostertamsong @my-swan-song @subrosasteath

Wanna be added/removed from the taglist? Just let me know!

[cadence-talle]

Lavender-Inked Silence

Pairing: Fitz Vacker/Keefe Sencen

Wordcount: 1,883

Summary: Peer grading isn’t fun by any measure, but they can trust each other not to judge. And it’s nice, having a little note to look at before he goes home and has to explain to his father why he only got a 95 on the science test. 

(Keefe keeps all these notes in a box under his bed, ripping them out of tests and rereading them when he can’t sleep. He’s not quite sure why, but they help.)

(There are quite a lot of notes, over the years.)

Notes: Thanks to @loverofallthingssmart for the prompt and @vibing-in-the-void for betaing! (Also for coming up with the title “a for effort, g for gay”, which is the best thing i’ve ever heard. 

Taglist: @everyonehasthoughts, @clearlykeefitz, @loverofallthingssmart, @a-lonely-tatertot, @enbies-and-felonies, @molly-sencen, @lemontarto, @appalyneinstitute1, @ruewen-and-rising, @silver-snow, @linhamon-roll, @hyperlollypop, @never-ever-too-many-fandoms, @keeper-of-the-lost-queers, @impostertamsong, @vibing-in-the-void, @yeetersofthelostcities, @mistythegirlfluxmess, @diamond-dreamerr, @we-have-no-bananas-today, @an-absolute-travesty

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood.)

Spelling tests are, in Keefe’s opinion, the worst thing in the world. 

Some words are easy; “fan”, for example, or “kitten”. They’re written exactly how they sound, so Keefe has no problem with them. It’s only with others that he gets tripped up, the extra vowels and unnecessary consonants, combined with Keefe’s terrible spelling, twisting words into unrecognizable shapes. 

The worst part is, he knows most of these words- he’s seen them in books his father has made him read. He can see the letters in his mind, can see the definition of the word. When he tries to write them down, though, it turns into something completely different. 

“Neither,” the teacher says, walking slowly around the room. “Neither. ‘Not the one nor the other of two people or things; not either’. Neither.”

Niether, Keefe writes, then scribbles it out and changes it to netheir. That doesn’t look right either, but the teacher has already moved on. 

“All right, last one,” she calls as Keefe adds a bill and tiny feet to the duck he’s doodled earlier. “Beer. ‘An alcoholic drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavored with hops.’ Beer.”

To be quite honest, Keefe is pretty sure he knows how to spell beer. Although, with everything he’s learned about spelling, it’s very possible there’s another vowel in there somewhere. Maybe an a? 

But that would be bear, and time’s running out. 

Baer, he scribbles down just as the teacher comes to collect his paper. She gives it a cursory glance, raising an eyebrow in an expression that reminds Keefe of his father. “We’ll be partner-grading these,” she says cooly. “So when you get someone else’s test, I’ll put the answers on the board and you can mark which ones are wrong.”

Keefe sighs a little, tapping the edge of his desk with his pencil. He’s positive he got almost everything wrong, and now one of his classmates will know too. 

Figures. 

He corrects the (few) errors on the test he’s given angrily, not even glancing at the name on the top until he’s done. When he does, his stomach drops a little. 

Fitzroy A. Vacker, the signature at the top reads. Fitz; one of the best students in their class, so well known he can’t walk down the hall without being high-fived. And if Keefe has his test, that means-

“Here you go.” Keefe’s test drops back onto his desk, the other boy appearing next to him. Wordlessly, Keefe hands him his test. Fitz nods and walks back to his seat, and Keefe picks up the paper. 

It’s not as bad as he was expecting. He made a lot of mistakes, true- apparently beer is not, in fact, spelled with an a- but there are no rude comments. Just corrections made in light purple pen. 

And in the corner, next to Keefe’s halfhearted doodle of a duck, is a little note. 

I like your drawing, it says, and then, you’re a really good artist. 

You’re a really good artist. 

No one’s ever said that to Keefe. Art isn’t a thing he’s good at, because it’s not a thing he does for fun- it’s not a thing he’s allowed to do for fun. 

But here, out of the blue, this compliment from someone he barely knows because he drew a stupid duck.

Keefe stares at the paper and smiles. 

(He doesn’t know, not yet. But this, in the form of a lavender-inked note on a spelling test, is the start of something amazing.)

-/-

He doesn’t talk to Fitz, of course. That would be stupid. They’re not friends, so no matter how much he’d like to thank the other boy, he doesn’t. He stays silent, keeps to himself, doesn’t ask his father to arrange a playdate. (Father would be overjoyed if he asked. That’s probably why Keefe doesn't.)  

No, he doesn’t do anything until they have a math quiz.

Keefe is actually pretty good at math. Addition and subtraction have always come easy to him, so he breezes through the questions and is done with time to spare. When Fitz’s quiz lands on his desk again, he’s barely even surprised; they’ll probably just be partnered up for the rest of the year. 

He is surprised, though, when the grade comes out to an 85/100. Not bad, but not good either; certainly not what Keefe would have expected for everyone’s favorite Golden Boy.

But then he remembers the way his father had sneered when he’d come home with his spelling test. The hours he’d had to study on a subject he didn’t understand, words swimming in front of his eyes.

Everyone’s bound to have one bad subject. Maybe this is Fitz’s. 

So Keefe puts a little :) next to the grade, writing great job! before standing up and handing it off to Fitz. The other boy looks at the paper, his face scrunching up as he reads the grade then melting into surprise when he sees the note. 

“Thanks,” he says, looking up at Keefe. “You too.”

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood. Things that can’t be said out loud for fear of breaking them.) 

(But Fitz’s smile, right then, speaks volumes.)

-/-

By third grade, Fitz has switched to using a sky blue pen, and by fifth, he’s writing with green. One thing never changes, though- he and Keefe are always in the same class, and they always grade each other’s work. 

It’s more a decision than a teacher-mandated thing. Peer grading isn’t fun by any measure, but they can trust each other not to judge. And it’s nice, having a little note to look at before he goes home and has to explain to his father why he only got a 95 on the science test. 

(Keefe keeps all these notes in a box under his bed, ripping them out of tests and rereading them when he can’t sleep. He’s not quite sure why, but they help.)

(There are quite a lot of notes, over the years.)

CHEMICAL CHANGES QUIZ: Fitzroy A. Vacker, Class 302

98/100. Pretty sure a flame test isn’t setting something on fire, but good job anyway! I drew you a flower in compinsashun so you would feel better. -Keefe

Basic Fractions Worksheet: Keefe S, Class 401 

100/100! You’re so good at math. -Fitz

Exports & Taxation in the American Revolution: Fitz Vacker, Class 503

100/100. This was really good! I couldn’t stop laughing at the sentence “the colonists rebelled by throwing tea in the ocean”, though. -Keefe

(And there are others, too, not written on schoolwork; tiny messages scrawled in the margin of a sheet of paper and folded into a tight square.)

(Blue ones.)

I passed the principal on my way to class. She’s… not happy. Did you really cover her office in paint? -F

They have no proof. -K

(Green ones.)

Hey, can you come over this afternoon? -K

Yeah, sure. What’s up? -F

I just… I don't want to be alone with my parents. They’re always… nicer. When you’re around. -K

Ok. -F

(And in eighth grade, when Fitz has run out of different colors of pens and is back to purple, there are purple ones.)

Are you going to Stina’s party next weekend? -F

I might. If you’re there. -K

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood. Things that can’t be said out loud for fear of breaking them. Of breaking yourself.) 

(There are a lot of messages. None of them mean much.)

(Keefe keeps them anyway.)

-/-

The house is packed, people laughing and whooping over the loud music. The lights are flashing, there’s something suspiciously bitter in the punch, and almost everyone here is a stranger. 

Keefe’s been at this party for five minutes. He already regrets coming. 

In the crowd, someone lets out a high shout. Fitz flinches slightly at Keefe’s side, taking a step closer to the other boy. 

“You want to get out of here?” Keefe murmurs in his ear. Fitz nods and they turn towards the door. 

The diner they stop at on the way home is bright, but the lights are constant and the slowly rotating cheesecake in the display case is as familiar as it is inedible. Keefe breathes a sigh of relief. “That was terrible,” he says, taking a seat at the counter. Fitz laughs. 

“It really was, wasn’t it? I think most of the people there were highschoolers.”

Keefe nods, thanking the man behind the bar who’s handed him a burger. Fitz is drinking a strawberry milkshake.

“Honestly, I don’t want to go to high school if that’s what people are like.”

Fitz raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think you have much of a choice there, unfortunately.”

“Eh, I don’t know.” Keefe takes a bite of his burger, chewing thoughtfully. “I could always just get held back a year. Wouldn’t be too hard, with my track record.”

Fitz laughs again, bright and happy under the fluorescent lights. Keefe watches him, watches the way his eyes crinkle at the corners, the way his nose scrunches up. He’s beautiful. 

Beautiful. Where did that come from? 

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood. Things that can’t be said out loud for fear of breaking them. Of breaking yourself. Sometimes there are realizations under bright-bright lights that you can never say.)

Beautiful.

Hmm. 

Shit. 

-/-

As it turns out, being in love with your best friend isn’t as hard as it sounds. 

Keefe hasn’t managed to get rid of his feelings, by tenth grade, but he’s managed to ignore them. Ignore the way his gut clenches whenever Fitz grins at him, ignore the flush that appears on his cheeks whenever their hands brush. Ignore, ignore, and hope Fitz ignores too. 

There’s less peer-grading in high school. Tests and projects are more important now, so the teachers grade them in most of his classes. 

Except in Spanish, because apparently the teacher just doesn’t care.

Keefe marks the last incorrect verb conjugation on Fitz’s test, doodling a tiny heart in the paper’s margin and handing the paper to the boy sitting across the aisle from him. Fitz glances at it, eyes narrowing slightly. Keefe knows that look- that’s his determined look. 

He’s not quite sure why Fitz would have something to prove right now, though. He scored a solid 97. Unless-

Shaking his head, Keefe forcefully directs that train of thought.

It comes crashing back in just a second, though, when Fitz hands him his graded test. 

100! It says at the top in purple pen. Do you want to get dinner with me? 

Keefe glances up and towards the other boy, who’s staring at the board as if it contains the secrets of the universe instead of the quiz answers. With shaking fingers, he writes a single word and passes the paper back. 

(Sometimes, there are words that can’t be understood. Things that can’t be said out loud for fear of breaking them. Of breaking yourself. Sometimes there are realizations under bright-bright lights that you can never say.)

(And sometimes, there are notes written in multicolored pens, years and years of silent conversations. A message on top of a Spanish quiz that promises something amazing. Sometimes, there is a word, unspoken but still heard.)

Yes. 

(Sometimes, a lavender-inked note is all you need.)

[girlofmanyfandoms]

We All Have Storms

A/n: So I finally finished it, and I tried to work on my imagery, sorry that it sucks! My Marellinh fic is next, so bully me into finishing that, mkay, enjoy!

Word count: 3794

Trigger Warnings: Brief homophobia scene

Warnings: some of my editing was deleted, so if it says ditto bug in there somewhere, I forgot to delete it

Writing taglist: @everyonehasthoughts @imaramennoodle @bookwyrminspiration @holesinmyfalseconfidence @percabetn @an-absolute-travesty  @linhamon-roll @holesinmyfalseconfidence @linhamon2 @a-lonely-tatertot @loverofallthingssmart @vibing-in-the-void @clearlykeefitz

“Thanks again for coming over, Keefe,” Fitz called over his shoulder as he lugged a bin onto the carpet in between them.

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“Are you kidding, Fitzy?” Keefe started emptying out its contents, seeming particularly interested in the box of Prattles pins. “This is a trip down memory lane. And besides, I could hardly miss the preparation for my best friend’s Winnowing Gala.”

“Ugh, how do you say that so casually? I feel like the weight of the world’s on my shoulders. That name is taboo.”

Keefe sighed. He didn’t really want to talk about the upcoming event - it made him uncomfortable and feel wrong in so many ways. He was in a battle between being proudly there for his friend and yelling for him to call it off. But there was no way around it.

“Tell me something. Do you feel like the weight of the world’s on your shoulders? Or the weight of the Vacker Legacy?”

Fitz pulled out a snow globe that he got as a souvenir from Tokyo and shook it aggressively. “Ok, that’s another phrase on the Not To Be Spoken List.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Fitz sighed loudly and threw his hands in the air in frustration. Keefe caught the snow globe with one hand and shoved the bin the the side, scooting closer to him.

“I-I’m s-sorry, that wasn’t directed towards you, I-“

Keefe pressed a finger to Fitz’s lips, making him turn bright red. Keefe noticed and smirked a bit, but he told his inner voice to shut up. Don’t get your hopes up, Keefe. “Yeah, I know. I get it, dude, way more than you think. You don’t want to live your life being pressured to confine yourself to a perfect preppy boy who marries someone at the top of his match list so that he can gain the approval of family members and make a power baby. You don’t want your name to define you, so you try to let out your pain and your fears however you can.”

Fitz was stunned at how perfectly he had described his situation, and in such few words, yet he felt a pang of sympathy. “It must be difficult being a Sencen.”

“It must be stressful being a Vacker.”

“Now you’re avoiding the question.”

“You didn’t ask one.”

Fitz hesitated. Was he treading on dangerous grounds? Or was this just what a friend would do? “It was insinuated. I was asking what you’re struggling with in the Sencen family. And... if I can help.”

Keefe shook his head, dragging the bin back between them. “That’s not something you want to involve yourself with,” he huffed exhaustedly. “Nice rubix cube. Or at least I think that’s what Sophie called it.”

He solved it within seconds, but scrambled it again and repeated the process as Fitz watched in silence. Solved. Scrambled. Solved. Scrambled. Solved. Stopped.

Keefe raised an eyebrow. Fitz has moved closer and put his hands over Keefe’s. Neither could describe it, but all they knew was that it felt right. They met eyes for a moment, unable to move.

Why do I like this? Keefe thought to himself. I feel like we could stay like this all day. Meanwhile, all Fitz was thinking about was I hope he doesn’t hate me for getting so close, His hair really does good, and I hope my hands aren’t clammy, that would be embarrassing. Fitz pulled back abruptly and combed his hair back with his hands. “I’m really sorry about that.”

“You need to learn to stop apologizing for what isn’t your fault,” Keefe mentioned.

He laughed, relieved that the awkwardness had somewhat left the conversation. “I’ll do it when you do it.”

“No fair!” Keefe launched a pillow at him. 

Fitz was quick to grab one in defense, and soon, it was an all out war. 

It went on for a few minutes before Della peeked through the door.

“Boys, that’s no way to be on a day like this, you’re going to mess up your hair!”

“Sorry, Ms. Vacker,” Keefe said sweetly.

“Aw, you don’t need to apologize, Keefe. You’re a Vacker, too. Just make sure you two fix yourselves up.”

“But this is my signature hairstyle!”

“Then change into your other outfit and help Fitz. I’m getting Eda so she can help with the last minute preparations. You boys behave.” 

When Della walked off, Biana appeared behind her and rolled her eyes. “Boys.” But when Della has turned the corner she winked at them and ran off giggling.

Keefe tackled Fitz, and ended up straddling him. Fitz’s cheeks heated up and butterflies formed in his stomach as an alarm rang in his head, screaming This isn’t just a friends thing. He tried his best to ignore it, but the more he tried to focus on the words coming out of his mouth, the more he realized just how perfect and soft Keefe’s lips were. He gulped, hoping to distance himself from these thoughts. 

“Remember, Fitzy,” Keefe began, leaning in very close to his face. “Behave.”  

He whacked Fitz in the head with a pillow, grabbed his suit, and ran down the hall after Biana for some tips. Fitz was left shaking badly. Slowly, he sat himself up. 

“What a flirt,” he breathed, though quite out of breath. But there was no time for contemplation. One of the biggest events of his life was about to take place and he could not disappoint. He gave himself a few moments to steady his heart before taking his tailored outfit and stumbling into the bathroom. ————

Fitz groaned in annoyance for the umpteenth time that day.

“Y’know I can help you with that.”

Fitz squealed in surprise.

“Forgot I was around?”

Fitz seemed incapable of forming words, so he nodded.

“Come here,” Keefe gestured to him. “I learned how to tie a tie from Elwin, the trick is the make a huge, loose opening and swing this part over.”

Keefe finished tying it for him and patted his chest. “Done.”

“Thank you,” Fitz managed to say. He was sure Keefe was doing this on purpose now. 

And he was. Because some little part of him had hope.

———— “Want me to walk you down the aisle?” Keefe joked, knowing his friend needed a little less pressure and impending doom around him.

“Well, the crowd won’t allow you to walk out on the same time as me but...” Fitz trailed off. Was he really going to ask this?

“But what?”

“Can you hold my hand? At least until they open the curtains? I need to feel grounded.”

“Aw, I ground you? How sweet!” While his tone was teasing, his heart was jumping for joy.  

“You don’t have to-”

“No, I’ll do it,” Keefe blurted out a bit too fast. He cleared his throat. “Wouldn’t want you to feel alone on your big day.”

They interlocked fingers and Keefe felt like the floor was swaying beneath his feet. It couldn’t be. He had to be misinterpreting Fitz’s emotions. Was that joy? And happiness? And nervousness? It had to be because of the crowd chanting his name on the other side of the curtain. It had to be. 

But maybe it’s not, the voice called. Keefe pushes the thought to the side once more. He didn’t have a chance with Fitz. Boys don’t match with other boys, and there’s no way someone as kind and dorky and fun as Fitz would like a prankster artist with mommy and daddy issues. No way at all.

Keefe squeezed his hand. “You ready to go out there?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Let’s go then.” Keefe nodded to Dex, who was standing by the controls, ready to move. Dex nodded back, and deafening cheers erupted as Fitz, in his royal blue suit, came into view from beyond the real curtains. Keefe patted his back and slipped to the side to let him pass. Fitz flashed his pretty smile, masking the pain and fear. ————

“Evelyn Tanaka, I’m pleased to meet you, Mr. Vacker.” The girl curtsied in front of him.

He offered a modest and seemingly genuine bow and smile. “You look lovely tonight, Ms. Tanaka.”

She swatted his arm playfully. “I’m sure you’ve told that to all the girls here.”

Fitz put his hand on his chest, playfully mocking taking offense to her comment. “Of course not, Ms. Tanaka. Us Vackers have morals, laws, and tastes. I would never be so rude as to reuse a compliment. I give them out the those who deserve it.”

Evelyn blushed and spun around so Fitz could get a full view of her dress and hair. “I take it that means that I’m to your taste?”

“Very much so. Care for a drink?” He extended his hand and she gladly accepted, earning plenty of jealous glares. Biana came to the rescue, jumping into conversation with the group of girls nearest to them and talking on and on about the latest fashion trends in Atlantis. Fitz sent her a grateful look, glad he would have a little more space to figure out what he was going to do.  

Evelyn was a nice girl, and clearly very kind and powerful. Endearing, even. But Fitz had his heart sent on a certain ineligible bachelor.

Keefe was watching from across the room, half heartedly flirting with some of the girls who had lost hope in winning Fitz over, just like him. They locked eyes, trying to communicate all the words they might never get to say. A frown turned to a scowl on Keefe’s face as he excused himself from the conversation and stormed outside into the utopia-like grounds. Fitz didn’t understand why when he realized that Evelyn had closed in, adjusting his tie.  

“I’m really sorry, Evelyn, my friend stepped out for a bit and he looked sick, I’m gonna go check on him. Save me a dance?”

“Of course!” Evelyn leaped for joy, and went to find a friend of hers to tell her of her supposed victory.

He rushed outside, fiddling with the ring box that his father had given him just in case he found the “right one.” It was so tempting to give it to Keefe, but with the amount of time it took to recognize his feelings, he wasn’t quite sure either of them were ready for such a big leap.

At last, he found Keefe, legs dangling from a sturdy tree branch. “Oh, you’re here,” he said coldly. His voice was almost apathetic.

Fitz’s eyes welled with tears, his mind a storm of emotions that he was sure Keefe could sense from the few feet that separated them. Fitz got a running start and climbed onto the branch beside his.

Keefe chanced a glance at him, and immediately wished he hadn’t. Fitz was silently crying, shoulders shaking, and gasping for air. Because of him. The angry facade slipped away and he climbed to the next branch to sit beside him and pull him into a side hug. Fitz leaned on his shoulders and took the tissue that Keefe offered. He cleaned his face up, but his eyes were still red and puffy, and he was sobbing without tears. 

Fitz reminisced about all the tragedies and battles they had fought in there years on this Earth, and yet nothing beat this. Keefe rocked him gently. “You ready to talk about it?”

He chuckled bitterly, but had take a gulp of air. “What is there to say?”

Keefe tugged slightly on the fairy lights in the tree and looked off into the distance, still rubbing circles onto his back consolingly. “A lot of things. Mainly us and.... where tonight is going?”

The hesitancy in his voice was blatant, and it frightened him. Despite it being a relatively cloudless night, Fitz was shivering. There were so things that could go wrong: his family looking down on him, his family’s image crumbling, the shame of a bad match, and a million other things that crashed and mixed with the other concerns swirling around in his mind, like a tropical storm transforming into a hurricane. 

Fitz tried to focus on Keefe’s expression and body language, to read him and see into his brain. No telepathy. That’s crossing the line. Instead, he focused on Keefe’s features, which were much more prominent in the moonlight. His expression was pained, and his eyes held the sorrow of trillions of widows and widowers alike. His hair practically glowed, and seemed more unruly than usual, like waves raging in a storm. There was a war going on in his mind, and he wasn’t strong enough to make it out alive. Not alone, at least. But still, Fitz needed to set the record straight - or rather not straight.

Impulsively, Fitz seized Keefe’s wrist and finds his vein. “Do you want me to call off the Gala? For you?”

“I-I don’t know what you mean.” Keefe tried to pull out of Fitz’s vice grip, but he held strong, still gentle enough not to hurt him. “Why would you it off? This is one of the biggest events of your life.”

Fitz sighed, his heart rate picking up. He was going to have to be blunt about it. “Do you like me? Romantically?”

“What? No!” he squeaked.

And his heart skipped three beats.

One for guilt. One for fear. And one like a held breath.

“You liar,” Fitz accused, but he said it with a breathy laugh, full of relief. Releasing his arm, he wrapped him in a tight hug and murmured into his shoulder. “I like you too, dummy.”

Keefe’s eyes were widened in surprise, and his response was rather delayed, but he hugged him back, resting his chin on top of Fitz’s head. “You couldn’t have given me a few hints?”

“I asked you to hold my hand!”

“Yeah, but you could’ve meant that platonically. Be more clear, Fitzy,” Keefe teased, pulling back a bit to boop his nose.

Fitz blushed furiously. They had reached the eye of the hurricane. It was calm. Safe. Serene. “Well, are you gonna kiss me or not, idi-”

Keefe didn’t wait for the end of the sentence as he tilted Fitz’s chin up and gently pressed their lips together. They grinned, but didn’t break the kiss. It was a picture perfect moment, something taken right from a fairytale. A tidbit from a could-have-been.

But it was over all too soon, and a gasp from just beyond them sent them tumbling into the storm once more. Fitz pulled away and his face went pale. He witnessed it. His father. Alden Vacker. Had witnessed him kissing his male best friend in a tree on the day of his Winnowing Gala.

“What is the meaning of this, Fitzroy?!”

“I can explain-”

“There is no explanation! You disgrace the Vacker name on a daily basis, why must you make it worse by playing these games?”

“Dad, it’s not a game-”

“It’s disgusting!”

“It’s LOVE, dad.”

“You’re fooling yourself! There are hundreds of girls ready to give you their everything and you waste your time with this blasphemy! This wouldn’t be happening if you’d just learn to control yourself.”

“I can’t control the way I feel!”

“You and I both know that’s not true. And you can still control how you act, just enough to save yourself and the rest of the Vackers the embarrassment!”

“Will you listen to me for once in your life?!” Fitz shouted. He was done with his father’s manipulation. “I am romantically attracted to Keefe. I like men. That’s the way I am, that’s the way I was born, that’s how I feel. I’m not in control of it, and I’m not going to accept any disrespect from anyone about this! Much less a lowlife like you!”

“You are not my son,” Alden spat, stomping his foot on the ground.

“And you aren’t welcome here,” Della snarled. Her jaw was clenched and it was clear she was about to go in for the kill. Edaline stood behind her supportively, looking just as deadly with a string of fairy lights coiled in her hands threateningly.

“Radelle, Eda, surely you see-���

“The only place you be seeing yourself is off of my property,” Della countered.  

Alden scoffed in disbelief. “I believe you mean OUR property, dear.”

“Then you forget who the Vacker name really belongs to.” Edaline handed Della the coil of fairy lights. “You take care of him, I’ll start sending the girls home.”

“Gladly,” Della said through clenched teeth, before turning to the boys. “You two can have a sleepover tonight, I’ll bake some treats. But remember, behave.” Fitz could’ve sworn he saw his mother wink before she forcefully escorted Alden out of Everglen. HIs mind was incapable of forming full thoughts.

“Sleepover, huh?” Keefe hopped down from the tree. “Sounds like we could cause some chaos.” Keefe opened his arms in expectation.

“First of all, do NOT make a mess in my room,” Fitz started. “Second of all, there’s no way I’m dropping down there. You won’t catch me.”

“Aw, come on, Fitzy. Aren’t relationships about trust?”

“Wait, so you’re comfortable with the label of ‘boyfriend’?”

“Yes, Fitzroy Avery, but that’s besides the point. I wanna carry you upstairs. Drop down and get on my back.”

Fitz cringed at the sound of his name, but dropped down anyway, clinging to Keefe’s back for his dear life. 

“Onwards!” He cheered as he gave Fitz a piggy back ride all the way to his room. ——————

Fitz smiled down at the boy relaxing in his lap, lovingly combing his fingers through the boy’s blonde locks. This must be what makes life so divine. This is what euphoria is. The little gems of life where you cherish others with every fiber of your being. This is happiness. He’s what I want. Keefe leaned towards Fitz’s touch, his mind clearing plagued by other thoughts. “What’s wrong?” Fitz asked. “And no beating around the bush. I want to know what’s really bothering you.” When Keefe didn’t talk, he added, “You’re going to have to open up sooner or later, babe. I don’t want to be left out of the circle. I want you to let me in.”

“You don’t want to know the storm growing inside of me,” Keefe rasped, blinking back a few tears. “It’s too dangerous. And I don’t want to risk losing you.”

His eyebrows furrowed and he smiled sadly. “Keefe, you could never lose me over sharing your thoughts and feelings. This relationship is a two-way street - you open up to me and I open up to you. And... we all have storms, they’re just a little different. Some people might have thunderstorms, while others have hurricanes, and some might just have some windy days. But that doesn’t invalidate it. A storm is a storm, and a problem is a problem, regardless of the size and severity.”

“Getting poetic, are we?” Keefe joked, before biting his lip. “Sorry. I guess it wouldn’t kill to tell you some things.”

“Take as long as you need to. You don’t have to tell me everything at once, if you’re not comfortable with it.”

Sighing, he gave himself a moment to collect his thoughts. “I... just hated being around them. I couldn’t stand the way they expected me to fit into this perfect mold, or their version of perfect.”

“I hated how they only talked to me when they thought I was doing something wrong, something shameful. They made me feel like my best wasn’t enough. So... I stopped trying my best. I stopped obeying their stupid rules, I stopped thinking about what others would think of me. I wanted to be imperfect, and I wanted to shove it in their faces. I pranked, I ditched, I did anything I could to defy them. I was tired of being the circus puppet, so I cut my strings and stole the show.”

Fitz remained silent for a moment, Keefe shifting uncomfortably in his lap. He went to get up, but Fitz placed a hand on his chest, stopping him. “Sounds like you’ve got quite the thunderstorm.”

Keefe scoffed. “More like a whirlpool. And I don’t want you to drown with me.” “It won’t get that far,” Fitz insisted, concern emitting from him in waves. “I won’t let it.”

“And what can you do to stop it, Fitzy? The tides are turning, and absolutely no one is strong enough to steer the ship away.”

“You don’t know that. Keefe, I need you to have hope.”

“I knew it was a bad idea saying anything.”

Keefe closed his eyes from the sudden exhaustion, using what little energy he had left to turn to Fitz. “Can you emote a little quieter? I know I’m the light of your life, but you don’t need to worry about me that much.”

Oh, it was a whirlpool alright. But not in the way that Keefe imagined. Fitz’s heart pounded like a marching drum, as he reached into his back pocket. 

Keefe opened an eye in mild curiosity. “What’re you doing?”

“Get up, I have something to offer.”

“Oh?” His mischievous smirk returned, the manner in which his eye was dazzling hinting how clever and evasive he thought he had been. “And what would that be?”

The sapphire on the ring, placed firmly in its royal blue velvet box, glimmered from the light of the chandelier, and Keefe practically stumbled back in shock.

Fitz roller his eyes amusedly. “I’m not proposing. Not yet, anyway. I’m making you a promise. A deal. And if you accept this ring, you agree to it.”

“Bribery, Avery dearest? I thought you were above that.”

Fitz’s lips twitched with the beginnings of a smile. “Think more negotiation.”

“Alright,” Keefe said, scooting closer in a criss cross position. “I’m listening.”

He took a deep breath before speaking up again. “Keefe, in giving you this ring, I am vowing to always be by your side, through thick and thin. I will respect your boundaries, and let you open up on your own time. I will let you in just as much as you let me in. I will express myself just like you do. I promise to be with you no matter the weather.”

“Then I’ll be your lighthouse in the darkness,” Keefe responded softly.

Fitz slipped the ring onto Keefe’s finger. To no one’s surprise, it was a perfect fit.  

“It looks good on you,” Fitz complimented before a realization flashed by his eyes. “But if you don’t like it, we can find another!”

“It’s perfect,” he reassured him. “You’re perfect.”

Fitz hid his face to cover his blush. “So you promise? Through turbulence and tranquility?”

They interlocked their fingers.

“Always.”

[everliving-everblaze]

Not me over here researching how to build a censorship apparatus that will allow me to block Fitz Hate/Sokeefe Shipping and establish a permanent and impenetrable echo chamber for myself~

If you want to, blocking the #sokeefe tag should rule out not only sokeefe shipping but 90% of Fitz/Sophitz hate as well (unfortunately). I would also make sure to follow the tag #stan fitz vacker or perish!

Personally, I’ve learned to live comfortably with Sokeefe shippers and support the ship, but it’s always completely up to you how you want to curate your Tumblr experience. If only Sophitz shipping makes you happy, then trying to make your dash about that is valid.

[thirty-five-portland-row]

Okay, so in this post I’m going to include the short story “the talk” which is in special edititions of Flashback, and probably going to explain why I hate Alden so much. Okay, I’ll get on to it now I guess.

“Lord Alden,” Lord Cassius said, dipping his head in what could barely count as a bow before he stepped aside to let Alden enter the Shores of Solace – aka his used-to-be-secret-getaway-though-no-one-actually-wanted-to-go-there-with-him home. “I thought the Council ordered all of you Vackers to the Tribunal Hall today for the big verdict. It’s all I’ve heard about these days. People do love a good scandal – and this is the best our world has seen in ages.

“The sentencing isn’t until this afternoon,” Alden explained, ignoring the rest of Cassius’s jab as he made his way towards the mother-of-pearl walls. His teal eyes looked rather impressed as they skimmed over the fancy furniture and enormous ocean-view windows – but his gaze softened when he focused on the blond boy sprawled across one of the couches. “I was hoping I’d find you here.”

Keefe pulled himself to his feet, making sure to brush all the crumbs from the butterblast he’d snacked on for breakfast onto the otherwise pristine floor. “Is everything okay?”

Alden nodded. “But I’d love a quick word with you if you don’t mind. Perhaps somewhere a bit more private?”

“Or I can lock Lord Nosypants in a closet,” Ro offered, striding out of the shadowy corner flashing a pointy-toothed grin.

How the pink-haired, heavily armed ogre princess could make people forget she was in the room was one of life’s great mysteries.

“Let’s save that fun for later,” Keefe decided, leading Alden to the one place at his father’s house where he felt like he could breathe: a wide outdoor patio facing a glittering black sand beach. Cushioned swings swayed in the salty wind, and Alden sank into one of them, watching the turquoise waves crash against the shore long enough for Keefe’s brain to put together a pretty extensive list of scary things that might be happening.

Clearly Foster’s ever-worrying ways were rubbing off on him.

“Sooo…,” he said, dragging out the word as he plopped onto the swing next to Alden. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing bad,” Alden assured him. “I’m just hoping you’ll be willing to attend the tribunal today.”

Ro groaned. “Nooooooooo! Then I have to go, and everyone’s going to be all smug and sparkly and give boring speeches about how brilliant they are – and I’m not even allowed to stab anybody!”

Keefe ignored her. “I thought it was family only.”

“It was. But I’ve convinced the Council to make an exception, because Fitz is going to need a friend today.”

Yeah, that was kind of an understatement. Keefe was pretty sure Fitz was going to go into rage-monster mode if the Council gave Alvar anything less than a life sentence. And if Alden felt the need to bring in reinforcements…

Keefe slumped back against the cushions. “Does that mean you know –“

“What I know,” Alden interrupted, “is that I’m doing everything in my power to get my family through this.”

Which wasn’t really an answer.

“The thing is,” he added quietly. “my son is far more likely to listen to you than he is to me. Especially under the circumstances.”

“Okay, but if you’re looking for a voice of wisdom, you’d be better off asking someone who’s a bit more… shall we say, responsible?” Keefe felt the need to point out.

“I agree. Which is why I’ve arranged clearance for Sophie to attend as well.”

“Perfect!” Ro jumped in. “Then you don’t need us!”

“Actually, that’s why I do.” Alden’s eyes dropped to his hands, his fingers twisting the edge of his embroidered cape. “You and I both know, Keefe, that my son doesn’t necessarily excel at controlling his temper. And… I don’t think either of us wants to see him channel any of that anger at Sophie. So if you’re there –“

“Hang on.” Ro made a time-out gesture. “Are you seriously asking Keefe to be the punching bag during your pretty boy’s little temper tantrums?”

“Of course not! I’m asking an empath to watch for moments when his best friend is getting close to losing control of his emotions, and to keep him from saying or doing anything he’ll later regret.

“Or you could just leave our pretty little blond girl out of this one,” Ro reminded him.

“No, I can’t. Fitz… needs her.” His eyes shifted to Keefe, and there was something tentative about his expression.

Something nervous.

“He needs her,” he repeated gently, taking a long breath before he added, “I think you know that. And… I suspect you know how Sophie feels too.”

Unfortunately, Keefe did – and he was always trying hard not to think about it, because it made him want to punch things.

“Hate to break it to you guys,” Ro informed them, “but Blondie doesn’t know what she feels.”

“Perhaps not,” Alden conceded. “But that mostly has to do with the fact that my son has yet to make things clear. Once he does…”

He didn’t finish the sentence, but he didn’t need to. Keefe was well aware of all the miserable mushiness he had ahead.

The hand-holding.

And cuddling.

And…

Ugh, if he had to watch them kiss, he was going to vomit all over his boots.

Alden placed his hand softly over Keefe’s, waiting for Keefe to meet his eyes before he told him, “I realize that all of this is… complicated for you, given how you feel about –”

“I’m just gonna stop you right there,” Keefe cut in, pulling his hand away and jumping off the swing. He paced to the far end of the patio, relieved that his legs pulled it off with some swagger. “Leave the feelings-reading to us Empaths, okay? Cause you’re wrong. Like, super, super wrong.”

“No, I’m not.”

Keefe was dying to ask him how he could be so sure – and if that meant Fitz had figured it out too. But that would mean admitting it, and the only way he was going to get through this conversation was to deny, deny, deny.

Alden sighed. “Sorry, I know this conversation is difficult – and I’m not trying to meddle –”

“Um, I’m pretty sure this is the definition of meddling,” Ro argued.

“No, it’s the definition of caring.” Alden stood and made his way closer, wrapping an arm around Keefe’s shoulders. “You may not be my genetic son,” he said quietly, “but I’ve long considered you part of my family.”

Keefe had to remind himself to breathe.

Part of him wanted to pull away and run. The other part wanted to lean back and see what it felt like to not have to stand on his own. But he was pretty sure that either way, he’d end up getting hurt.

So he just stood there, stiff and silent, watching the frothy water smooth the dark sand into a shiny, black canvas.

It wasn’t fair that the beach got so many do-overs.

“I’ve never told anyone this,” Alden murmured, “but long ago before I met Della, there was… another. Someone I was convinced was my perfect match – and the matchmakers agreed. But, as it turned out, she… preferred a close friend of mine.” He let the words hang there for a beat before he added, “So I’m no stranger to your situation, Keefe.”

“There’s no situation,” Keefe insisted.

“Maybe there isn’t. But I’m going to pass on some wisdom to you anyway. I’m a father. It’s what I do. And don’t worry, I’m not about to give you a long speech on how someday you’ll find your true match like I did – though you will.” He pulled Keefe slightly closer, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “The wisdom I want to give you is simply this: If you really care about them, let them be happy.”

Let them be happy.

Those words made Keefe want to vomit even more than the idea of Fitzphie smoochfests.

“I know,” Alden said gently. “Believe me, I undersand exactly how heartbreaking that is to hear. But take it from someone who ended up losing two valuable friendships. There’s only one way this ends –”

“Uh, no there isn’t!” Ro snapped. “We’re talking about teenagers! Stop acting like any of this is a done deal.” She waited for Keefe to meet her eyes before she added, “It isn’t.”

Alden sighed. “I suppose only time will tell. But that doesn’t change where we are today. Today, Sophie and Fitz are both going to need your help. So the question is, are you willing to be their friend?”

Keefe opened his mouth to answer, but Alden shook his head, drawing Keefe into a hug before he stepped away.

“That’s all I came here to say,” he said, pulling his pathfinder out of his cape’s inner pocket. “I hope I’ll see you at Tribunal Hall in a few hours. But I’ll leave that up to you. Think about what I’ve said, okay?”

Keefe managed a shaky not as Alden held the crystal up to the sunlight and glittered away.

“That guy’s got a lot of nerve,” Ro grumbled. “You know what that was, right? He’s trying to get you to back off so he can keep his spoiled son happy – and he’s totally using your daddy issues to make you play along!” She held out her arm, pretending she was wrapping it around an imaginary person’s shoulders. “I’ve long considered you part of my family – what a stinking load of garbage! He’s just trying to get rid of the competition. So what you need to do now is –”

“I’m going to the Tribunal,” Keefe interrupted.

Ro rolled her eyes. “Of course you are. That’s what you do – sabotage yourself over and over because it’s easier than putting yourself out there!

“I’m not sabotaging anything! Sophie’s not some prize that Fitz and I get to fight over. She’s a person. And she has her own feelings – and no one knows those feelings better than I do!”

Ro blinked, and he realized he’d shouted that super loud.

Loud enough that he was pretty sure his father had heard every word.

But it didn’t matter.

Lord Cassius wasn’t the type of person to go for a heart-to-heart.

Keefe’s hands curled into fists and he sucked in a deep, slow breath before he said, “I’m going to the tribunal. Because two of my friends are going to be there. And they’re going to need me. You can whine about it all you want. Or you can stay here…”

“Oh, I’m going,” Ro warned. “And there will be an abundance of whining.”

“Bring it on,” Keefe muttered, heading for his room to get changed. He tried to slam the door in Ro’s face, but the ogre princess had annoyingly fast reflexes and managed to block it with her elbow.

She sighed. “Fine. I’ll leave you to your sulking. But just… promise me something, okay? Don’t give up.”

“I’m not,” Keefe said.

And he meant it.

He wasn’t giving up.

He was just… waiting.

Being the best friend he could be.

Trying not to wreck anything.

And hoping, hoping, hoping that someday things would change.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just really hate how manipulatactive alden was and how he also told Keefe to give up the love of his live for his entitled jerk of a son. ive ranted about this before on another post but this was just mainly to put the story out there for people who haven’t read it.

[crymeariveronceagain]

Biana Vacker headcannons?

Anonymous asked:

Headcannons for Biana Amberly Vacker?

HECK YEAH MY SECOND FAVORITE CHARACTER IN THIS SERIES LETS GO

Side note: I have a lot of headcanons about my best girl scattered around, so this might be a repetition of some things I've already said in different places, but I adore her so that makes it okay.

Biana is a Shakespeare nerd. It's a weird thing to be, as an Elf child, and Shakespeare and all things human in general aren't taught in school or even sold in most book stores. Some do have them, though, and they're translated into Enlightened. Biana has a collection of all Shakespeare's main works in one book, from his sonnets to his plays. Her favorite play is King Lear. She relates to Cordelia too much for it to be healthy, she thinks.

To expand on that, She has always had a taste for human things. She especially likes their music and books. She was never taught English(Fitz was), so she taught herself to read. It took her a long time to get to a point where she could read more than a page a day.

Biana Vacker has Vitiligo. It started out pretty subtle, but from a young age she was either told subtly that it wasn't pretty or good and that she should cover up any visible evidence of it. Hence, she got really into makeup at a pretty young age, because she'd always ask her mom to cover it up. After she got in the accident which gave her all the scars, she gave up on being the perfect princess everyone wanted to see. She doesn't cover it up anymore. She's just as gorgeous as ever.

Violence for violence's sake is the language of beasts. Biana doesn't mind being a beast. She has a lot of feelings cooped up inside her that have never been allowed to escape. So, when she's on the battlefield, in a fight, holding a knife in general, she's not just a threat, she's the primary danger.

She's a girly girl. It wasn't something picked out for her, something shoved onto her, something pressed by some overarching narrative onto her and her choices. She likes wearing purple, she likes wearing dresses. She likes flowers, likes jewelry, likes the color pink. She likes feeling pretty, she likes spending time on her appearance, she likes having fluffy things on her bed, she likes talking about boys and gossiping about things. She doesn't like getting dirty(she will without a second thought if she needs to, but she'll try to clean up as soon as possible), she doesn't like running around a ton. She doesn't like rough and tumble games, although she's always willing to tackle Fitz to the ground. She's.. just. Girly. And that's not a bad thing. She's not any less strong, smart, or badass just because glitter makes her happy and she has her room painted purple with pink sunset clouds. People look at her, sometimes, and see a small pretty princess character and she wants to scream at them that just because she's wearing a dress, that doesn't mean she can't break their nose without taking off her heels. Being girly doesn't make you less strong. It just means you like girly things.

Biana thinks that being a vanisher was a little too on the nose. She fades into the background naturally, someone in the Vacker family that is easily looked over. She's always lurked in Fitz's shadow, always been the background, secondary Vacker child. She's one rung up from Alvar. But it's the rung that everyone skips over. So, you know. Not an awesome spot to be stuck at.

Alvar was her favorite brother. They were both caught in shadows. And even though, most of the time, Alvar would look sick to his stomach whenever her dad talked to him, while her dad didn't even talk to her at all, they bonded over not being perfect, but also not being seen.

She's a Vacker. But she doesn't act like one. Or at least, she tries not to. She tries not to be held in check by reputation, or by perfection. It's been a hard thing for her to get over. She's still trying to, at the end of the day. It's really, really hard. But she's decided that she can't afford to be afraid of the impossible. No matter how pissed it makes her father.

She didn't have a lot of good friends, as a kid, primarily because she was Fitz's sister, and everyone wanted to hang out with Fitz, and used her as a stepping stool to get to him, or they were blinded by the Vacker name and just... didn't care about her. So, she had a rather lonely childhood, all while being surrounded by friends.

Dex is her current best friend. They got stuck together doing some work for the Black Swan a few times, and they really bonded. Dex honestly probably helped her get over her fear of imperfection. "Why be held back by something you can never be?" He'd asked. And, the nice thing about Dex was that he kind of hated Fitz. She knew he wasn't in it just to be friends with her brother or leech off the family name. He didn't care about any of that. It made him a safe space, in a world full of manipulation.

She loves Tam Song. So. Fricking. Much. He's so stupid and angsty and emo and she loves him. I just... I just think she doesn't know what to do with herself and her feelings about him. She just really really really find him super cute and super funny and super handsome and she doesn't know how to deal with any of that.

Would dye her hair purple if you gave her any sort of reason. Just, drop of a hat, if you were to say, "Hey, Biana, I think you'd look good with purple hair," she'd dye it without a second thought. Be careful.

She's just about to hit teenage rebellion in canon, you can fight me on this, crap's gonna go down between her and her family.

She has a couple nicknames. Most people she's close with, like her brother, Dex, and Tam, as well as Sophie and Marella, call her Bee. It's the first part of her name(at least with how I pronounce it as Bee-Ahna), and it's really kind of cute on it's own. However, Keefe calls her Banana. Fitz does too, sometimes. Biana rolls her eyes at that name, and refuses to answer to it. Tam calls her "Vanilla Bean," after they start dating and she figures out he's the world's hugest sap, underneath all that eyeliner.

Super self conscious of her scars. You wouldn't think she would be, because after she got her scars, she refused to hide them, but she feels eyes on her and knows that the first thing they saw about her was her scars, the first thing they'll think is that she's broken, and the thought strikes a sick sort of anxiety into her heart.

She also doesn't think she's pretty anymore, not really. People can say it a thousand times, but she knows that she's not as pretty as she was before she got hurt. There's a before and an after for her. Nevermind that she's the most gorgeous girl ever. She just doesn't want to believe that someone can still be beautiful even if they're as hurt as she is. Because, then, my darlings, if she's still beautiful, she'll have to believe it. And that will always be the hardest part.

SMART. She has a rapid fire judgement and processing ability that no other keeper kid has. She will KNOW if something's gonna go wrong. It's not a gut feeling, she'll just assess the situation, compare it to what she's seen in the past, and decide that this is not going to work. She has a very realistic imagination, and comes up with the outcomes that no one wants to think about just because she's seen something like this happen before and she knows how it'll happen this time. She is the vibe check on Sophie's plans to have Fitz seduce people. "Fitz can't seduce anyone, Sophie. He couldn't even seduce you. He's the most awkward person in this entire group, second only to you. I could seduce someone. So could Keefe. Everyone else has exactly zero game and you all know it." Biana's saved their butts more times than they can count, just because she's seen a lot and knows how to make fast judgements based on what's happening. It's an invaluable skill on the battlefield, as well.

Because of that above skill, she's Forkle's favorite. He'll never tell, never say, but she 100% is. She has more common sense than everyone else put together, and she works well under pressure. She's his favorite kid.

Alvar's her favorite brother, right? She has a lot of sympathy for him, still. Even with all that he's done, she knows he had reasons, and she even knows what some of those reasons are. So as violent as she wishes she could be, she has sympathy. In fact, she'd probably be the first Vacker to forgive him, really and truly, if he ever came back and apologized.

Daddy issues. That's it, that's the headcanon. I've got a pretty long post on this, so you can go read about it there instead of here because, like I said, kinda long.

I have more, but these are all I can think of for now! Hope you enjoyed them!

[gay-otlc]

No Limits To Love

Summary: Despite being an Empath, Keefe doesn't know any of the answers. He's just as lost and confused as everyone else about love. What is it? he wonders. And is there a limit to how much I can feel?

Content warnings: Homophobia, polyamory discrimination (polyamphobia? idk), getting kicked out for being LGBTQ+, cursing, religion.

Words: 5350

Read on AO3:

As an Empath, Keefe knows that every person's emotions are so different, unique, but there are a few similarities that everyone shares. Everyone feels a little bit confused, a little bit lost. Even if the feeling isn't strong enough for them to notice, there's an underlying sense of it when he can press his skin against theirs and sense their emotions. And, regardless of how angry, how hateful, a person is feeling, there's always a deep, enormous, feeling of love within them.

No one really knows what love is; we're all lost, and confused, as searching for answers. We all have so many questions about it; What does it mean to love someone? How do you know when you love someone? Should we tell people we love them more often? Less often? Can you love someone too much? Can you never love anyone enough? How many people can you love at once?

And despite being an Empath, Keefe doesn't know any of the answers. He's just as lost and confused as everyone else about love. What is it? he wonders. And is there a limit to how much I can feel?

At first, Keefe has no idea what love is, nothing to even base a vague understanding off of.

His father says love is when you're proud of someone, and his mother says love is when someone is important to you, though neither of them seem particularly interested in helping a five year old Keefe solve all the mysteries of life. His father, telling Keefe to stop bothering him so he can work, doesn't seem particularly proud, and his mother, focusing more on whatever notebook she's scribbling in than on her son, doesn't seem like she considers Keefe particularly important to her.

"Why do you think loving someone means being proud of them?" Keefe asks. His father thinks this is stupid, he can tell, but it's important to Keefe. In his mind, this might be the most important thing in the world, discovering what love is. It's something new to learn, to explore, his favorite thing to do. He's learning so much about the world and how it works; how to read stories, how to draw people that look like people, how to write his name so that he can actually read it, and it seems like each new discovery brings on an entirely new set of new questions.

His father gives a long, over-exaggerated sigh. Keefe shrinks away. He's always not the best at understanding what his parents are thinking or what they want him to do, but he's learned by now that a sigh that sounds like that means his father is disappointed, and his father being disappointed is bad. "You can't love someone without a reason," he says finally, looking between Keefe and the door like answering will make Keefe go away faster. "People have to do things that make you love them, earn your love by making you proud. You can't love someone who disappoints you."

The underlying message is obvious, even to Keefe- if he doesn't make his father proud, if he disappoints his father instead, his father will not love him.

Oh.

He nods and quietly walks away to go ask his mother the same question, hoping his mother will be happier about it.

She isn't.

"Yeah, but what makes someone important to you?" he asks.

She flicks her eyes up at him before returning them to her notebook. When he tries to look at what she's writing, she tilts it away from him. "Someone is important to you if they help you with things you need to do, and you think your life would be very different without them." Keefe wonders what his parents' lives would be like if he didn't exist- probably much more boring, he concludes, but then again, they're shut up in their offices all the time anyway, they would probably do the same thing with only a few small differences.

He loves existing, all the new discoveries and experiences and fun, but him existing might not matter to his parents as much as it matters to him. He asks anyway; "Am I important to you?"

"You will be," she says quietly, finally looking at him.

Keefe goes back to his room to think about this new knowledge he's gained, about what love means. Who's right? Is there even a right answer? He dismisses the second question quickly- of course there is. Everything has an answer, and this can't be an exception. Maybe his father is right, and in order to be loved by his parents, he has to do things that make them proud, and never let them down; he has to do thinks much differently, then. Or maybe he has to help his mother. With what? Maybe he needs to get their attention more, make sure he's making a big impact on their lives.

Love sounds hard, and confusing. Everyone says it's a good thing, but he doesn't know. If love is a good thing, why does it make him so sad when he does the things his parents say will earn him love? Why do his parents say they love each other, and then scream at each other downstairs so loudly that nothing Keefe does can block out the noise?

Love isn't beautiful. It's ugly.

...

When Keefe meets Fitz Vacker, he has to rethink this decision.

Love may be ugly, but Fitz is absolutely beautiful. He has bronze skin and a strange accent and a loud laugh that makes Keefe feel like he's just bitten into an especially gooey slice of mallowmelt. Most of the time, he hears people talk about how beautiful the Vackers' teal eyes are, but he's particularly partial to Fitz's crooked slight smile, like he's a bit hesitant to be really happy, but something's broken through his walls and he's smiling anyway. When Keefe realizes he's the one who made Fitz happy enough to smile, it feels like it's worth more than a million compliments from anyone else.

This is stupid. Why is Keefe thinking so much about a boy's smile?

Well, it is a nice smile.

That aside, he's never really had a good friend before Fitz. He's had other children of prestigious nobles to spend time with, but none of them were ever really all that close to his own age, and Keefe had always preferred to daydream- or, if he was allowed, draw- rather than talk to them.

Having a friend is... nice.

It's nice, and something else. He's not sure what to call it, since it's all so new and unfamiliar. If he didn't know better, he might call it love, but this isn't love. This isn't anything like what his parents described, that ugly thing that makes him struggle for them not to hate him, that doesn't stop them from throwing things at one another. No, this is so much better, sweeter. It's not messy, or complicated, or difficult, it's just... him. And Fitz.

It doesn't need to be love. It doesn't even need a name. He likes Fitz, and he likes what they have together.

He starts spending more time at Everglen, with Fitz's family, and he notices something. They say "I love you" to one another. A lot. Della says it to her children before they leave for school, and Biana says she loves Alvar before she hangs up on an imparter call, and Fitz says I know you love me when Biana gets mad at him for stealing her ripplefluffs.

Keefe's first impression is that they toss the phrase around so often it's lost its meaning, but that might be wrong too. They seem to mean it every time. It's so confusing to Keefe- they say I love you even if no one did anything special to earn it, or even if one of the kids messed something up earlier that day. People in that family promise to love each other no matter what, a concept that doesn't make any sense, because what if someone doesn't do enough to deserve it? What then?

Fitz and his family celebrate something called Hanukkah. He says they light candles to remember miracles that happened when the Jewish people were in danger. And he invites Keefe to come light the candles with them.

"Are you sure?" Keefe asks. "I don't want to intrude on your holiday."

"No, don't be ridiculous. I'd be happy to have you there. It's a lot of fun, and you have to try latkes, and please, you have to help me beat Biana at dreidel, she's been unstoppable for the last five or so years-"

"I have no idea what most of the words you just said were... I don't understand any of your traditions, and I don't want to bother you guys by asking all these questions all the time." His parents are already annoyed by him, and he doesn't want to annoy anyone else.

Fitz reaches out and grabs Keefe's hand. Keefe gasps a little, cheeks heating up. Why is his stomach flipping around so much? They're just holding hands. It's not that big a deal. It's not that big a deal. "You aren't a bother," Fitz says, his voice soft but firm.

Keefe swallows hard, telling himself not to cry. "I-"

"I promise, I want you there. I wouldn't invite you if I didn't. And my parents want you there too. Honestly, the whole family loves you."

Love. There was that word again. The strange, confusing one. But it's not so strange and confusing when the Vacker's say it. It's not filled with expectations and disappointment; simply kindness, and happiness. It's not all that complicated. They simply care about each other.

And about him?

"The whole family?" he asks hesitantly, trying to ask whether that includes Fitz without actually asking whether that includes Fitz.

Fitz gets the message. "The whole family. That means me too."

And that's when he knows for sure that love isn't really ugly, because nothing between Fitz and him can really be ugly.

He goes to Everglen, and they light the candles. Keefe doesn't know the prayers, but they sound nice, and the candles feel warm and safe. Latkes taste delicious, and Biana beats them all at the dreidel game just like Fitz predicted. Keefe can't remember feeling this happy in, well, a very long time. Maybe ever. Fitz and Biana explain the story behind Hannukah in more detail, and Keefe finds himself especially interested in the description of the miracles.

It's a miracle he found Fitz, he thinks. A miracle he found love. And now, to him, love means kindness and warmth.

It's... nice.

...

Then he falls in love with Sophie, and that's... different, somehow.

He's had a crush on her for a long time; not immediately since he's known her, but since they rode on Silveny together for the first time. But if he tries, he thinks he can pinpoint the moment he knew he'd fallen in love.

They go to the Forbidden Cities- a city called Amsterdam. Not to run away from the Neverseen or go on a mission for the Black Swan, but simply to have fun. Fitz is busy with homework, but Keefe is happy to procrastinate, and Sophie's parents are trying to make her "have fun with her friends" more often in situations that don't involve almost dying. So here they are, Sophie rolling her eyes at Keefe's fifth "dam" joke, Keefe laughing as he looks at the elaborate canals.

"Come on, you idiot," she says, holding out her hand. Keefe takes it. "Do you want to go to the Van Gogh museum?"

"Who's Van Gogh?" Keefe asks.

Sophie starts walking, pulling Keefe along with her. "I always forget how little you guys know about human stuff. Makes it weird to have twelve years worth of human knowledge permanently in my head, none of which I can say without confusing you. Anyway, Van Gogh is an artist. I think you'd like him."

"Sure, sounds fun," he agrees.

A guy on a bicycle passes them. He calls something out in a language Keefe doesn't recognize. Turning to Sophie, he asks "What did he just say?"

Sophie's cheeks are red. "He said, what a cute couple."

"Oh," is all Keefe can say. Obviously it's crossed his mind, the thought that it might be a date, but... do they really look that couple-y from an outside perspective? He thinks about it. They're holding hands, her enthusiastically pulling him along, both of them smiling... yeah, it makes sense that they would be perceived as a couple. The idea makes butterflies fly through him, nervous and embarrassed and excited all at once.

He likes her, a lot. And he likes what they have together, this state of holding hands and teasing one another and having fun. It doesn't need a name. But it would be nice if it did. He would really like to say it for sure, they have something romantic going on. He wants her to be his girlfriend, him to be her boyfriend, and Fitz...

He wants them to date, that's all.

Keefe swallows. He likes what they have right now, and he knows he's about to create a new thing- something new, and unfamiliar, and terrifying. Admist the fear, though, he can't wait to explore it. "Is he right?" he asks.

Sophie bites her lip. It's the cutest thing. "Do you want him to be?"

"I do, yes," Keefe says.

"Then I do too." Sophie smiles at him, and he smiles back.

It was as simple as that.

They continue on to the museum. As Sophie predicted, Keefe does like the paintings there, but he tells Sophie he thinks he could do better. Later, she casually mentions that Van Gogh cut off his ear and laughs at the expression on Keefe's face. Once they leave the museum, Sophie finds some human money that Dex gave her and the two of them struggle for a while to convert it into whatever currency Amsterdam uses- it's still baffling to Keefe how the humans all use different types of money, though Sophie just shrugs when he points it out. Finally, they figure it out and Sophie buys them a boat tour.

By the time they're ready to go back, it's dark out, and they're going to be in so much trouble if they get caught, and dam, that was a lot of fun. Keefe throws an arm around Sophie's shoulder, absentmindedly playing with the ends of her hair, as they leap back. Every time the floor creaks a little too loudly, they freeze and look at each other with wide eyes before carefully continuing.

After too many close calls, they make it to Sophie's room. "That was terrifying," Sophie gasps, collapsing on her bed. "My parents would have murdered me. And you. They definitely would have murdered you."

"Yeah, undoubtedly," says Keefe. He sits down on the bed next to her, face splitting into a grin. "We didn't get caught, though."

Sophie smiles back, and Keefe finds himself unable to draw his gaze away from her lips. "No, we didn't." Her smile grows wider, and suddenly, Keefe isn't staring at her lips anymore, he's staring at her eyes. They're sparkling, wide and enthusiastic, and a bit mysterious, like Keefe could stare into them forever and never learn everything. He wants to try. "I had so much fun."

"So did I," Keefe replies. And it's true- he had so much fun looking at art and learning that the artist cut his ear off, going through the city's canals and listening to Sophie ramble about everything she'd learned about the city. It was exciting, interesting. But then again, isn't every day like that, with Sophie? It doesn't matter whether they're illegally traveling to Amsterdam or working on Elvin History homework together- every conversation, every moment with Sophie is just as interesting, just as exciting, because he and Sophie are together.

He loves her. The thought crosses his mind, and he wonders why it hasn't before. It's so obvious, so undeniably true, that he knows he loves her as soon as he takes the time to think about it.

The only question in his mind is that love feels so much different with Fitz and with Sophie, but he knows he loves them both. Loving Fitz feels warm and sweet and kind, and loving Sophie feels like an adventure, a new world he wants to know everything about, terrifying and thrilling and exhilarating.

...

Maybe love is an adventure, or maybe it's kindness, or maybe it's ugly after all, but whatever it is, there's so much of it. He feels this strange, indescribable love for Sophie every time she blushes at his flirtatious comments, every time she trips and gives a slight chuckle at her clumsiness, every time she absentmindedly hums a human song under her breath as they do homework together. And he feels it for Fitz too, when his eyes light up any time he talks about baking, the little grin he does when he wins at base quest, when he tries to flirt with Keefe or Sophie and ends up an adorable, stuttering disaster.

He still doesn't understand why love feels so different when he's with Sophie and when he's with Fitz, but he's in love with them all the same. Both of them. He loves them both, beyond understanding, beyond words.

Other people wouldn't understand either. That's okay, neither does he. But he doesn't have to know why he feels this way to know that he does, because he feels it so much, so strongly.

They feel it too- for him, and for each other. Sophie tells them once, back when they were going through their "love triangle" phase, that she was sorry she couldn't just pick one. Keefe asked her why she had to pick one. After all, he loved both Sophie and Fitz, and he didn't ever want to choose, because he didn't have anyone he loved more. He just loved them both. Fitz had agreed. He asked how this would work, the three of them all loving each other.

That's the great thing about us, Keefe had said. We don't have rules. We can just fall in love, hope our love will endure even if we mess it up the first time, and make it up as we go along. We're in love, and that's all that matters.

And he very distinctly does not feel love right now, wearing an ugly suit instead of the long red dress Biana bought with him. His father looks proud of him, or at least not disappointed, but he's learned that love is so much more than that by now, and his father may never truly love him. But that's another mess that he doesn't want to get into now; first, he simply has to survive the night.

Then, the argument that will inevitably come after.

But first, the dance. He's already fought with his father for hours about whether or not he had to get a matchmaking list, but he eventually lost. Like Cassius said, he'd already disappointed the family enough; by being a screwup, a rebel, a wayward, an artist. Does he really want to push things even farther, drag their reputation even farther down, by being a bad match? He gave in after that, still fully intending to barely learn the names of the girls on his list.

He just wants this night to be over already.

But no, another girl is coming over, and he has to at least feign interest as he mumbles pleasantries. He does this again and again. Some part of him, a small part that still foolishly believes his father might love him if he makes him proud, wants to feel something for these girls, but... he can't. They aren't Sophie. They aren't Fitz. He isn't interested.

The most interesting thing that happens the entire dance is Stina coming over and asking if he knows whether Marella might be interested in her. The answer is yes, but that's the only two minute conversation he can even begin to care about during a three hour dance, and oh, he is so bored. His only break from dancing and talking to girls is when he gets to eat. Keefe finds himself staring at some of the pastries in the corner and thinking of the time Fitz tried to teach him to bake. He was horrible at it, but Fitz thought it was funny, and they had a lot of fun together... he sighs and goes back to dancing with another nameless girl who isn't Sophie or Fitz.

He knows, that if an Empath were to gauge his emotions, they would feel the extreme feeling of love that's always inside everyone, he knows that logically, but feels so void of it right now. Everything is so boring, painfully dull, and there are so many people he doesn't care about, and he just wants to curl up and watch human movies with Sophie, or try to taste the batter as Fitz swats his hand away, or ramble to both of them about his latest painting.

He just wants them, both of them.

Finally- finally it's over, everyone's leaving, he thanks them for coming even though he wishes they hadn't, and then they're gone, and he can't change out of this ugly, uncomfortable suit fast enough, collapse on his bed and hail Sophie and Fitz.

Before he can, he hears a knock on the door. "Go away!" he calls, not in the mood to interact with his father. Especially not to discuss which of the girls he liked best. The door swings open anyway, and he groans.

Exactly as he predicted, Lord Cassius sits on a chair beside Keefe's bed and asks "So, did any of the girls there capture your fancy?"

He groans again. "No. You know they didn't."

"Of course they didn't," he mutters, sighing and rubbing at his temples. Keefe bites his tongue in an attempt not to yell I do have people that 'capture my fancy,' it's not my fault you can't accept that. "We can apply to get you a second list in a month, but I don't want you choosing anyone from a list that isn't your first or second."

"That works out. I don't want to choose from a list that isn't my first or second. I also don't want to choose from a list that is my first or second. I don't want to choose from a list." Keefe immediately regrets blurting that out, but it was nothing his father didn't know already anyway. The problem is that now he's confronting it, instead of saying he'll be the obedient son his father wants and marry someone he'll be miserable with.

"Well, you're going to have to."

"Why?" Keefe demands. "Why do I have to follow this fucked up system?" He sees his father frown at the language, but can't be bothered to care. "Why can someone else decide who I'm allowed to love- they don't know what I feel. Why do I have to marry someone from a list? Why can't I just marry the people I love?"

His father's gaze darkens. "People?"

Oh, shit. Keefe has screwed up. He has two options- correct himself, which his father probably won't believe, or dig a deeper hole for himself, jump off a cliff and hope he doesn't get hurt too badly. He chooses the latter. "Yeah, people. Sophie and Keefe."

"You can't be in love with both of them."

"Yeah, but I am."

"And not only are they both nearly as stupidly rebellious as you are, one of them is a boy. It's like you're trying to disgrace this family as much as possible."

"Well, it may shock you to learn, but I'm in love with these people because... because I love them. It has nothing to do with wanting to disappoint you and everything to do with wanting to date them."

His father stands up abruptly, towering over Keefe. "You have to choose."

"Great. I choose them both," he replies, standing up as well.

"You can't love more than one person!" yells Cassius.

Keefe clenches his hands into fists, feeling his throat close up. "Why not?" he chokes.

"You just- it's wrong. It's wrong for a boy to love a boy, and it's wrong to love two people! You're being greedy. Choose one, because you can't love them both."

"Fucking watch me!" Keefe screams. "You're an Empath- you understand how love feels to other people. I can sense so much love inside of people, every time I touch them, so much that it's overwhelming- especially if love is the prominent emotion they're feeling at the moment. There's more love than our brains can possibly comprehend. Love stretches to infinity, it is everywhere, it is everything, and we don't have a limit to our capacity for love, because there can be no limits to love, none at all. I love so much and so deeply that it can feel like I could drown in my love for them, both of them. My love is endless and overwhelming and beautiful, and I love them both with all the love in me. It's as simple as that."

...

"You can believe whatever you like about love," Lord Cassius says, giving him a cold look. "But if you are to live under my roof, you will have to love like a normal person."

He says it like it's an insult to not love like a normal person, like Keefe doesn't already know. Of course he doesn't love like people normally do, but why is that bad? Really, all forms of love are so unique, and there's no one normal way to love, anyway. But even though his way of loving is more different, that isn't bad. That isn't ugly. It's love, and it's everything, and it's beautiful.

Then, it registers that Keefe cannot love beautifully and live in his house at the same time. There's no way he'd be able to stop loving the way he does; that would be like asking for his heart to stop beating at all. There is so much of his love, and he cannot pretend he feels less.

So... his only other option is to leave.

"Can I pack, at least?" he says finally.

Lord Cassius looks surprised that he hasn't managed to threaten Keefe enough, properly scare him into being the straight, monogamous, obedient son he wants. For a brief second, his shock is written on his face, and then he regains his composure. "Very well, I suppose you can," he says. "You have ten minutes. I want you out."

Good. Keefe wants to be out as well.

He never wants to be back here again.

"I can't wait," he spits out. "You have zero minutes to get out of my room."

The clock is ticking, and Keefe doesn't have time to think, to even being processing the reality of what just happened, so he throws important things into bags as quickly as he can, trying to think only of the next second ahead of him, and the next, and the next, because if he keeps looking directly ahead, full understanding of what this means can't catch up to him, and he can't worry to much about the future. And then ten minutes pass, and he leaves.

He just... leaves.

When he leaps away from his house- his former house, he supposes- he has no idea where he'll reappear. Then he sees the world come into focus around him, immediately recognizing it as Everglen. Where some of his best memories are, of lighting candles with the Vackers and talking about makeup and boys with Biana and falling in love with Fitz, over and over, every time that obnoxiously cute fool opens his mouth. Fitz is here now; Sophie is too.

It wasn't a conscious decision, but he wanted to come here.

His feet take off running until he arrives at the door. He desperately slams his fist against the door over and over until Della comes to open it, a look of concern on her face. "Keefe? What... are you alright?"

"Sophie," Keefe gasps. "Fitz. Please."

Della nods. "They're upstairs in Fitz's room."

"Thank you," he says, before ignoring the aching in his legs and rushing up a flight of stairs, down a hallway, and into Fitz's room.

Sophie notices him first, placing a hand of cards down on the bed and stumbling across the room over to Keefe. "What happened?" she asks, her beautiful eyes wide and scared. Fitz follows her, putting his arm around Keefe and leading him to sit down on the bed between the two of them.

"My dad kicked me out," he chokes out, voice breaking. Sophie immediately gives a little oh and wraps him in a hug. "I didn't know where else to go."

He feels Fitz put a hand on his back, suddenly shaking with sobs. Quietly, Fitz says "We're here."

Finally, Keefe pulls back from the hug. He furiously swipes at his eyes. "I don't know why he can't just understand that we're in love. That I can love two people, because I am capable of loving two people, because love is infinite and there will always be enough for each of you."

"I don't know why he doesn't understand either," Sophie says. "And it's fucking awful that he doesn't."

Fitz nods. "But the two of us understand. We know you love us both. Endlessly. And we love you too."

"Fuck yeah, we do," says Sophie.

Fitz's gaze softens. "I know it hurts right now. It feels like shit. And I'm not going to lie, it will keep hurting for a really long time. Maybe forever. But we're going to be here for you. We're here for you right now, and we'll be here for you when it randomly hits you all over again for the next few days or weeks or months, and we'll be here for you when the pain returns just when you thought it was gone forever, and we'll be here for you when you really do think you're okay again. Sophie and I are going to be here for you for the bad days and the okay days and the days where it feels like it'll never get better, and we'll be here for you for as long as it takes, and we're always going to be here for you."

Keefe is quiet for a long time. He thinks about how there is a deep chasm in him right now, an empty space. He wonders what it would feel like if another Empath felt it. Probably painful. But then he thinks about this hypothetical Empath feeling his emotions, and how much love they would feel. They would understand how much Keefe can love, how he can love them both. Because he loves them both so much. And he says as much; "I love you."

They wrap him into a hug again, and he realizes; he's been kicked out of the place he used to live, but he hasn't been kicked out of a home, because that was never his home. His home is this moment, this hug, these people. His home is the love he feels for them.

All those years ago, when he asked his parents what love was, they gave an answer. Love can be pride, and it can be a feeling that someone is important to your life. It can also be so much more. It can sometimes be ugly, yes, but it can so often be beautiful. Love can feel soft and sweet and warm, it can be kindness. Love can feel bold and thrilling and exciting, it can be an adventure. And love can be right now, on one of your worst days, when they promise to be with you through it all and offer you whatever comfort they can. Love is home, and love is everything. There are no limits to what love can be.

[bookwyrminspiration]

the song feelings are fatal is def a keefe song

you are so 100% right this song fits Keefe so well

I mean right off the bat we're hit with "I'd do anything for you, for you / It's always for you and never for me" which really encompasses Keefe's self-sacrificial nature. He truly doesn't think he's worth the effort, that he's worth anything (he has awful self-esteem), so he gives everything he has of himself to others. It was even a main factor in why he ran away at the end of Unlocked. That wasn't for himself, not primarily; that was to protect everyone else (and mainly Sophie) because he thinks he's too dangerous and that he'll be of most use by not being there. He didn't want to leave, but thought it was necessary for everyone else.

This has been a pattern for the entire series! He stayed an extra day to let everyone plan a trip into Ravagog in Neverseen for Sophie, not because it was what was best for him. He went immediately to ask Sophie how she was doing when Forkle's twin thing was revealed, and we never actually saw how he reacted to the situation. This line does seem to specifically fit Keefe's relationship with Sophie, but that's just the one I have the most canon evidence of; I'm sure he's like this with other people as well.

There's also the line saying, "But opening up means trusting others / And that's just too much, I don't want to bother." Which reminds me of a really specific scene in...Flashback? Don't quote me on which book it was, but that's not the point. In the scene, Fitz asks Keefe why he never told him what his home life was like, why he didn't open up to him. And Keefe says that he didn't want to deal with how people would react and how that would make it real (heavily paraphrased). Keefe has been resistant to opening up his whole life, not wanting to trust others or burden them with information about what he's going through. It's too much to let them in, to let them know him and he doesn't want to go through with that.

He wants to ignore it, to "keep it inside and[...]bury it deep." Remember how he used to pretend to be a Vacker? He'd bury his family life and his worries as far back as he could, and he'd put on a happy face and go out in the world and not bother telling anyone what was happening to him. And that stuck with him and he's super private about a lot of things, though with so much involving him and his family now a lot of that security has been forced down for the sake of information (e.g. Sophie and Fitz searching his memories ot learn things about Gisela's plan)

Of course how could we not mention the line the song is named for: "And I want to be able to open up, but / My feelings are fatal." I think there is a part of him that wants to be like his friends, to be able to love and trust as openly as they do with each other. He wants Sophie to trust him and to be able to reciprocate, but right now it's...too much. Allowing that level of openness taps into this part of himself that he has shoved really deep down, and letting it all come to the surface, he doesn't know how to process that. It would be too overwhelming and he wouldn't know what to do with all the feelings and with the openness and vulnerability.

I think he's also spent so much time reading other people's feelings and knowing their emotions that he's struggling with his own. He's not numb like Vespera, but he's ignoring them. Facing them feels daunting and terrifying and insurmountable, like it'll kill him if he tries but there's no way around, just through.

he doesn't know what to do, what he wants, how to get it. He's very lost and all he has to guide him are what he feels is right, and it's very easy to be misguided.

You're very right, this 100% feels like Keefe. And that's just four of the lines that I pointed out so far! I could do the whole song given how accurate it feels to his character, so thank you for the recommendation!

Keefe needs to be held. I legitimately think a tight hug would monumentally change his outlook and the path he's on.

[a-lonely-tatertot]

Masterlist & About Me

Hello people who decided to check out this hectic blog 

I have a sideblog: @utheria-antics (for my ocs)

My kotlc insta, wattpad, and ao3 all have the same url (insta just doesn’t have the dashes)

Also I have a twitch!!

all of my fics have cursing and so do most of my posts fyi

DRAWING REQUESTS OPEN

About me :D

Call me Tater I am mostly a kotlc fan but sometimes reblog stuff from other fandoms

I ramble, a LOT please give me validation

I love talking about my ocs, if your interested in them check out my sideblog and I will always answer asks about them either there or on here

Come talk to me bitches Im lonely (we dont have to be moots)

If we mutuals you can ask for my discord, snap, or email for hangouts

I also love talking about my fics and art if you ever want me to go more into depth or explain any of those

I try to stay out of discourse

Give me music recs, fic recs, show (animated or live action) recs, or graphic novel recs pl e a se

If you’ve got questions about anything please ask 

ocs are tagged with tater’s ocs or Utheria

my writing is tater writes

art is i drew a thing

Masterlist under the cut!

Fics if you’re too lazy to look em up:

The Fire in Your Eyes and The Screams in Your Throat (marellinh, 1.4k, first person, panic attack/loses control of powers): ao3

“Did I Ever Tell You How Beautiful Your Eyes Are?” (Detz, 2.3k, third person, underage drinking): ao3

Girl in Red But Make it Sophiana (sophiana, 1.1k, third person, drinking, cigarettes why do i have so many questionable things in these): ao3

let me fall you cant save me now (keefex, 2.4k, third person, attempted suicide, happy ending i swear-): ao3

Your Soul On Walls (titz, 4.2k, third person, mentions of transphobia, incomplete ill finish it at some point): ao3

Cuddles (Kam, 500, third person, THE ONLY NON-QUESTIONABLE FIC): tumblr

Kiss me like it’s not allowed (keefitz, 3.1k, underage drinking, homophobia): tumblr ao3

numbers and i dont knows (titz, 1807, two swear words and one mention of alcohol): tumblr

The Nightmares Haven’t Left (titz, 1589, panic attacks, anxiety, mentions of burns, scars, injuries, and blood): tumblr

Finding Home (multiship, currently 27k, tw: talk of nightmares,mention of injuries and some phantom pains): wattpad, ao3, tumblr: 1, 2, 3 (photo update), 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Just Keep Holding Me, Cause This Entire Time You’ve Been My Life Line (Kam, 1715, tw: none): tumblr, ao3

Most of them on wattpad

Some headcanons cause i got those too

Artist!Keefe

Fitz’s Bakery 

Keefe + Touch

Character asks (1, katara, dex)

Titz hc (hair, confession)

Sophie (1, 2)

Fitz & Sophie Sleep

Corrupting the Vackers

Drawings cause why not

Marellinh (Marellinh Dancing)

Biana kelpie tattoo Stina kraken tattoo Wylie wyvern tattoo

Old Habits Die Hard (atla)

Tam braided hair

Biana  (Biana in a suit)

Tattoos (1,2,3)

Linh Drowning

Hello My Old Heart

Short Hair Linh

Fitz’s Bakery 

“Guess who just go injured”

Titz Cuddles

Keefex Request

Spiderverse au

Horned Sophie

Sophiana Angst for Secret Santa

Bronte Request

Kotlc Doodles

Insta Atla Request (1, 2, 3)

Hekster Sketches

Biana Animation

Sophiana Painting

Punk Keefitz

The Dame of Death

None Fandom Stuff

OC ART

Magic System: 1, 2

Confused Harper

OC doodles

Headshots

The Five

MISC. ART

Anon OC request

The Illusion of Music

Sydney the Ozzydoodle

WRITING 

My Infinity

Her

My Word

A Feeble Apology

Pictures

Love

Falling

This Coin

Holes

This Empty House