#that feeling when you sit in the sun
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As summer fades
As summer fades,
The change comes overnight,
Like the passing of a hand over the Earth;
Autumn whispers, with mulberry breath,
Sweet promises of cinnamon and wine,
Or a fire, flickering gold
On windows frosted against the cold light of morning.
Flecks of warmth in hearth and heart.
The sun, of course she tries,
Breathing life into the crisp winds’ soft silhouette.
Still she smiles, in vain, as
Soft, emerald clouds wrap her
In their caramel embrace.
They take her heat, and it is left to us in resurrection:
The warm glow of a winter duvet.
Even the leaves have changed their tune,
The soft rustle crisp, attentive; excited to
Drop.
She whispers to me;
Be still now. Rest.
Life lies in wait for spring, and yet
Still breathes kindness into every winter’s evening.
Buried beneath earth, beneath comforters and hope,
We wait.
I sit, outside in a blanket and bare legs,
And smile as the sun breathes
Her last blessing onto me.
I sit and watch the leaves turn.
#chocolate words#poetry#literature#english literature#poem#pretty words#seasons#autumn#that feeling when you sit in the sun#mulberry#red wine#peace
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Okay I've had this project open for like. Way too long now and I've hit a brick wall with it but i still would like to share what I have so here's this idea I've been mulling around about the disco skills being court jesters. I only have the psyche skills done but hopefully soon I'll have the inspiration for the others and also fully color these. Enjoy
#its been sitting on my canvas for weeks. taunting me#i know the designs are simple but i intended tl add more details when i colored and. well#disco elysium#disco elysium art#disco elysium skills#de empathy#de volition#de espirit de corps#de suggestion#de inland empire#the furies#de skills#flew too close to the sun had too many expectations for the image in my brain#i think my problem is im afraid to stray too far from the source material specifically with the coloring#if i dont only use colors found on the cards i feel like im doing smthn wrong you get me#anyways teehee#wip#kinda
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready 😭#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... 🥲#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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Sighs deeply
#yeah off to delete my account#it might sound like overreacting but genuinely this is unsettling to me#i cant really explain how exactly it makes me feel#just.... like you know when you touch a spot of spilled soda thats bene sitting in the sun for a couple hours? its like that#talkies
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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Starting to realize that my girlfriend, who likes to research lots of different random things as a hobby, probably hasn’t done that about my lupus
#apparently avoiding excess UV exposure is supposed to help avoid flare ups#meanwhile she gets kinda pissy when I get sad when she points out I could sit outside in the sun#‘have you even noticed any difference from sun exposure?’#EVERYTHING HURTS AND I WILL DO WHATEVER LITTLE THING WILL CUT THAT DOWN AS LONG AS ITS GOT SCIENCE BEHIND IT#people who know Literally Nothing Else about the disease know that we have to avoid the sun#even if I don’t get the rash parts of it I Do sunburn more easily (which uh. might actually be the rash? idk)#and it makes everything else act up more too#like??????? girl you research everything why do you not know this and feel like it’s ok to question me on this all the time?#if you’d rather learn directly from me instead of reading things yourself fine. but that means LISTENING when I say I want to avoid the sun#I shouldn’t be this hurt but she researches Everything. am I not important enough to research things for?
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local idiot reads book titled 'icarus,' is shocked when it contains references to falling and the sun, more at eleven
#labhrambles#ok2rb#i am in SHAMBLES. i NEVER read anymore but jesus if this wasnt a way to start back up#also this is the first time ive ever annotated a book with like. little sticky notes#sort of as practice ig bc i was reading a snippet of the b*ab/el book by rf ku*an/g and went.#i cannot just read this. i have thoughts to think. i need to purchase this book and write in it.#but i had already started the icarus one so i continued that and started using stickies#you can VERY CLEARLY SEE where things started to go VERY WRONG#bc i used pink to denote Big Emotions (i dont know how to identify feelings)#then orange and yellow for direct allusions/adaptations from the og myth#then blue for teared up/cried#anyway. full on waterworks when i got to the authors note. three blues on top of each other for effect#i picked up ba*be/l bc a booktuber i like was losing her mind over it#like. I Read Three Decent Books And Also Ba*be/l. These Are All Like Three Stars. And Then There's Ba*be/l#and i went :D well *i* want to be that sad!!#also bc its like so thoroughly and necessarily entangled with language which i love#anyway im off to go sit in a corner. my mom literally came to check i was ok bc my light was off#bc i had to lie on the floor about a boy and his sun for a while
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the Drums of Liberation!!💗💗
if you even care..........
#sun god nika#one piece#monkey d. luffy#seriously that shit was so fire🔥🔥🔥#it felt like listening to the drum line in field show#or when their sound would fricking BOOM through the gym during pep rallies#feel that shit in ur bones#sitting next to the speaker during a party kinda rattle in ur head from up the bottom of ur feet and the conkcreet#concrete#typa shit ur heart beat has no choice but to sync to or ull explode#wiggle ur shoulders bop ur head tap ur feet. smile like an idiot its ok. no one can judge you through all this NOISE!!#ITS A GODDAMN CELEBRATION!!!#🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁#joyboy my beloved
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#a mystery grab-bag of thoughts:#sometimes i just want to send you dumb memes out of nowhere and hope that the randomness and absurdity will make you laugh#when i do my daily crossword puzzles i wish we were sitting across from each other racing to see who finishes first#(but working together on the really difficult ones because god knows I’ll never get a Sunday NYT by myself)#i think of you often but especially when it’s raining#I’ve taken to making a pie every week—nothing fancy just something in a graham cracker crust that sets in the fridge#(so far i have one ol’ faithful recipe and I’ve had a couple of failures but they were still tasty)#my phone sometimes suggests a selection of pictures of you and it used to make my heart stop a little bit#but now i just look at your face and smile and think about how lovely it was to see you every day; I’ll cherish that#i never thought you were a ‘media bully’ but if I could return the favor I’d urge you to watch amc’s interview with the vampire#it’s so GOOD and so GAY and i have a small crush on Eric bogosian that goes in the same category as my crush on Greg Davies#and it’s quite funny in places like a dry humor that leans surreal/absurd#i dunno i think you’d appreciate it even though you’re not a horror person#i wish i could hold your hand and kiss your fingers and probably nibble on them a bit#(what can i say? I’m a cat)#i made some new glitter bottles this week and they look so pretty in the sun#today my Spanish lesson was about telling time#i have no problem remembering ¿a qué hora? but get tripped up on the format of answering#(son las (hora) y (minutos) and son (minutos) para las (hora) and i could get around it by only ever answering on the half hour)#I’m not like *confident* about my Spanish but I’m picking up more than what’s in English captions when i watch stuff which is neat#i do wonder if it’s sad or weird to still feel you here with me in my heart#but i think when someone is precious to you time and distance can’t really touch that love#anyway I’m going to go do my dishes instead of blithering here all night lol#sending you care and love and sunshine and flowers my darling dearest#💜#🌻
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for such a supposedly major fan of the national I sure mishear a lot of their lyrics 💀
#i thought sea of love started 'when you say you love me jump/how am i supposed to know'#but its not jump its joe. who tf is joe idc the lyric doesnt work as well when hes in it#also later on theres a repeated bit that i thought goes 'angel sorry i hurt you but they say love is a virtue dont they'#which makes SENSE bc angel virtue etc. but its not angel hes saying 'hey joe' THIS GUY AGAIN????? GET OUT UR RUINING IT FOR ME 👉#i know what the correct lyrics are in my heart. even if the band themselves dont <3#also in anyones ghost i thought he says 'i dont worry abt u' but its not its 'i dont want anybody else' STOP MUMBLINGGG#that one does make more sense tho matt berninger loves to sing abt how bad he wants whoever he just broke up with#every album has at least one track with a line like that#listening to a lot of anyones ghost lately....#me when i have a hole in the middle where the lightning went through it told my friends not to worry....... been there girl#YOU SAID IT WAS NOT INSIDE MY HEART IT WAS!! YOU SAID IT SHOULD TEAR A KID APART IT DOES!! DIDNT WANNA BE YOUR GHOST!!#i havent listened to much of the national the past 2 weeks thats how u know i was Truly in mental anguish#now im back on listening to an album of theirs every morning i feel like myself again 😚#anywayyy.. sitting outside work in the sun enjoying my last fresh air for the next 8 hours.... they dont even let me out at lunch 😔#happy friday everyone we'll get thru today 💪💪💪💪#.diaries
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My sister’s graduation day 😤 let’s go 👏🏽
#gosh it’s gonna be a long day and I���m running on two hours of sleep again#i only get the chance to work at night because I don’t have ✨privacy✨#and I’ve been going to bed late and waking up even more tired than usual and my mom’s been scolding me for it#and now I’ve had to tell her what I’m doing and I feel like I just gave another piece of me away again#everything I am everything I do has to be for other people#im so tired when will I give my last piece away 🥹#this was to make ME proud of ME I was doing it for myself and now I feel like it’s for her#and then she’s going to tell my dad and now it’s for him too#also I can’t even cry about it because she HAS to know why I’m upset#she keeps glancing up at me and talking to me in bits#all I have left is my emotions 🥹#anyhow sorry to start the day off so gloomy and depressing I have literally nothing to be sad about I’m very privileged#sorry you guys see me being a baby constantly 🥺 I really do have a good life and shouldn’t be complaining#here’s to a better day for us all#melifails#now i feel like a jerk subjecting you all to this😭 sorry sorry let’s move on#im gonna be a busy bee hopefully I can squeeze in a time for a nap#😭 I don’t waaaaaannnnnaaa sit for hours in the California heat MAYBE with the sun hitting us in the face#our football field is NOT kind in this way#hopefully my sister gets the shady side but even then the sun will hit us in the face eventually just not as long#im !!! excited!!!! I bought ice cream for today 👏🏽 I originally bought choco chip and minto moose tracks?? my sister loves mint flavor#so I bought mint Oreos too so she can eat them with her ice cream 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽#i assume we’re getting take out of some sort so that; ice cream; and uuuuuuu I don’t remember anything else I bought; my best friend did#bring us snacks yesterday!!! pretzels and cookies!!! so that!!!#okay brain no work no more I gotta get dressed love you muah muah muah
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Hello there martynsimp69 I hope you’re alive after the Events
im coping <- this is a lie
#limlife spoilers#limited life finale#limited life finale spoilers#limited life spoilers#ask#anon#i stood in the kitchen watching eggs boil on the stove thinking about a scenario where martyn ends up trapped in the end of limlife#no ghosts. nothing to strike him down. the timer paused indefinitely. forever stuck with the time he stole#extra hours and minutes sitting heavy in his chest stretching out impossibly long#i thought about so long spent alone in a server frozen in time that he dives down deep#because the sun stopped moving. the timer is paused and everything else is too. nothing new spawns and he's killed all the mobs#and its always daylight and hes sick of it. hes sick. so he dives#dives until the sea is dark and heavy and cool around him like twilight. and maybe down there when his lungs start to burn--#--the kelp and coral start to look like reaching hands. and maybe theres something about forever carrying someone'e stolen time that--#--starts to feel like hauling around a body. because thats all thats left of them isn't it? thats all there is. their corpses are gone.#keepinventory is something that can be so personal. or impersonal as it were bc unless you were skizz u took everything with u when u died#theres nothing to remember the dead by#except their time. and martyn's timer won't budge anymore. so he supposes he's carrying whatever little is left of them#barely an hour. all that's left of scott is 30 minutes of an hour that refuses to end. he'd wanted that time so bad. he's so sick of it now#anyways. the point of this was supposed to be something about martyn hallucinating scott at the bottom of the ocean and nearly drowning#this is the second au where ive drowned martyn. the first one came to me in a dream. sorry idk whats going on there#i severely lost the plot of these tags my ramen is getting cold#other notable events of the day is martyn answering an ask about his martitties. im coping with that badly as well
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Obviously I’m right back out here 😂
#it doesn’t feel like only 12 when you sit in the sun#if the sun is behind clouds however…..#I’m running out of space on this patio#bought a new climbing plant that’s gonna survive winter#had to repot the plant I bought before that#and since the slugs are all my carrots I have now put a cover over the raised beds
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Wow i'm going the fuck Thru it boys
can i get an injection of Happy Something Or Other ? This isn't fun anymore
#i form emotional and physical attachments#very very easily#she does not#in the slightest !#and that's okay !!!!!!#however#i am struggling to find peace with myself when i crave her presence whether it be online or in person#but she finds peace in solitude#day and night#i crave her like the sun chases the moon#but i know that i'm not ready for a relationship anyways#it's just#i don't know man. i get so caught up in feelings and interactions and words and then i'm attached#and i forget that what's healthiest is to find peace and comfort in yourself#and trust that you will always be the one who's Always going to be there for You#words#personal#save#i just have to figure out how to be comfortable in solitude#it used to be SO easy for me. Innate. It was second nature to sit alone with my thoughts and be at my happiest#now it's like my skin crawls because i miss everyone i've ever known in those moments and feel crushing loneliness#how to be a good strong boy who respects their brain
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im so lucky to know so many people in my life to have met so many people in my life that are just life saving ill never not feel lucky people are so beautiful and kind and talented and funny and have so much worth everyone ive ever met anyone in my life i have ever touched i just cant believe it ill never be able to understand it how important everyone is how much i love people the degree to whihc i love people and everyone i have ever met ill just never ever be able to express the depth of how important it is to me it might be the most important part of my entire life. i just need people to know how much i love them im desperate for it to be known how important everyone ive ever met is to me. all of my friends everyone whos ever been kind to me and whoever ive been kind to it will never be lost on me how important it is. and i feel so lucky to be graced i guess by my friends. i cant imagine the life i would live without every event every person who ive ever crossed. i would never sacrifice anything to not be where i am now because of the people i know and have known. the people i know and talk to everyday or the people i see in a notification or pass by. i cant overstate your importance to me. i cant overstate how important i want people to feel. i want people to see themselves how i see them. i can not overstate your importance to me and i love you. im so lucky ill never be able to take it
#i just want ti go to sleep but i cant my sleep schedule has been so miserably depressing me#not that badly. i cherish every moment i have with the people around me and i cherish how lucky i am to be surrounded by such unbe#lievable people. i am happy everyday because people love me.#this will never be lost on me. the importance of it. the importance you all have will never ever be lost on me. your worth as a human being#you are so kind. you are so talented. you are loved by people because you are seen by people that way. i will never lose this#im miserably desperate for everyone i know to feel loved or to know that i love them. nothing will ever ever ever in my whole fucking life#ever be more important to me#nothing in my fucking life will ever be more important than that. please know how much you mean to this. to everything#i dont know what changed but i cry so often now and every single time my thoughts wander to how deeply i feel about this#im just sobbing and sobbing and im like. i love the people that care for me. i love the people i care for#i know when i stop crying or when the day rolls over i get to talk to everyone again. and i feel so lucky. i feel so desperate to explain it#how. much. it. means. to me. How badly i mean this and everything I say.#i dont fucking care if yoire my mutual from fandom or someone who random followed because my blog was funny#someone i talked to once or twice. you mean so much. i swear to god. ill never be mpre genuine or more serious. i guess#thats very kind of you to do that. or like my posts or anything. youre very kind for that. you mean alot to me.#i just dont want to fall asleep when the sun rises and wake up with a few hours to talk to people before im alone#i really hate it right now. and my neutral state has genuinely just been on the brink of crying. like if i sit still too long i just sob#thats genuinely how i have been for the past few days#and thats not the fault of anyone its just how my brain has been treating me#but whdn i get like this i just remember how lucky i feel about everything. like the depth of my feelings#you really just have to trust me when i say like how forever sincere and deep snd monumental it is to me. like please understand the depth#of when i say i love you. dear god i love everyone ive ever met i love you. please please please please understand how desperate i am#i will never ever feel more strongly about anything. i cant imagine it#i have to make this exact same fucking post over and over again#i need to keep saying it man#i need people to love themselves like i love them#the degree to which i say the word need#anyway. i love you. i hope you have fun or are happy about something. or draw write something nice. talk to your best friend. something
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#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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