#that anxiety really fucked my day
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i am so tired of people equating proshippers with people who think pedophilia and incest is okay. we don't, actually.
i know this may come as a shock to some people, but we actually can differentiate from fiction and reality, and just because we think something is fun in fiction doesn't mean we think it's fun in reality.
fuck, i constantly wrote Sterek as the clingiest fuckers alive and i hate that personally, i cannot fucking sleep if someone is clinging to me, but i LOVE the thought of Sterek not being able to sleep unless they're practically glued together.
so why should i think incest is okay because i ship Wincest? why should i think pedophilia is okay because i enjoy reading some fucked up shit from time to time?
#i just saw a post about a new discord server for one of my ships and they don't allow proshippers#so i can't be there because i don't think it's morally wrong to ship things that could be problematic if they happened in real life#like grow the fuck up#Smowkie talks#Smowkie whines#again#god i'm in a mood today#that anxiety really fucked my day
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do any other artists feel like. yeah you're a 'good artist' because you draw things that look nice, but like. TECHNICALLY? you're really not great
i really hate that i can recognise that yes, my art is good, but is it VARIED? is it dynamic?? is my anatomy good? is it full of texture and colour theory? do i know how to do This? can i do That? no, not really. and that's quite painful actually
#ramble#yes this is the artist's perspective bs and yes this is anxiety because it's 1am#and yes i'm forever learning and growing but also#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.#drawing my little guys is fun but i am not good enough for the industry right now and that fucking sucks#i really feel like if i walked into a studio with my portfolio right now they would laugh at me#one of those days where i wish i'd done a more useful degree y'know#i'm going back through the phase where i don't know what i'm going to be anymore and it's scary#some days i really want to give it up and never draw again and do something worthwhile because i Know my life would be easier#and i hate that something i love so much makes me feel so hopeless#signs that i should go to bed ^^^^#i will resume my pity party tomorrow
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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day 147
psychically induced chronic illness squad
#day 147#year 4#aradia megido#sollux captor#homestuck#arasol#solluxs migraine thing is right in his introduction#but we only get like. one line from aradia in her singular conversation with rose in a5#where she mentions an 'elusive feeling of sickness' following her for her entire life#which i think you could read as like. anxiety/sense of impending doom due to upsetting psychic whispering 24/7#but when i was a kid and i felt anxious it ALWAYS manifested as a feeling of Oh I Am Going To Barf About This#to the point that i spent like a full year getting a whole barrage of medical tests trying to figure out what was wrong with my guts#turned out it was simply undiagnosed mental illness because nobody really considered that a 6 year old could have one of those#but such is life anyway catch me projecting onto these two once a fucking gain
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Why is the anime so weird, it's not even the same series dude?? It's like,
Anime:
GOKU: I have a great idea to bring peace to the universe, and my leadership and compassion alone will unite us all. I have No Flaws and am A True Relatable Everyman :)
VEGETA: NO! I AM THE BEST AND I WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS UNTIL I AM RECOGNIZED AS SUCH!!!!
Manga:
GOKU: Vegeta what's cornmeal made of? I know it's what the corn eats, but what's it made of? VEGETA: Hey Kakarot let's play the quiet game until one of us dies.
#dbtag#I do not understand this writing it's so bad aklsdlkasjd#Toei wants Goku to be Clark Kent SO bad and he SO isn't lmao#they're so good and dumb and rounded and complex in the manga what is the anime so afraid of#Toriyama said 'no no this man is a detached faux-immortal who has a dear pure heart but he's childlike and selfish even though he's kind'#and toei went 'got it goku's never done anything wrong ever in his life'#toriyama said 'Vegeta's gone through a lot and he's finally settling into his more mature leadership role with the confidence he's earned'#and toei said 'got it vegeta has the confidence of a high school bully except now he can interact with his family as a comedy bit'#girl hWHAT#Toei trying to group Goku and Vegeta as two people who would rather train than be with their families and Toriyama said NO Vegeta wants#to be HOME this is the first time in years that he's HAD ONE and it makes him HAPPY to be with his wife and children!!#Vegeta trains so that he can protect the things he doesn't want to lose again and Goku trains because it's the thing that makes him happies#They are NOT the same lmao And yeah Vegeta still wants to beat Goku but he also knows that Gohan could dogwalk both of them if he wanted#He also knows Trunks and Goten are going to surpass them it's not about being the best anymore he's past that he just wants to Not Need Gok#He just doesn't want to have to rely on Goku to save the day he wants to be Enough on his own he just wants to know he can be#because every time it's mattered he WASN'T and people he loved were lost to his inability to protect them and he carries that#Like Whis diagnosed him with anxiety and cptsd out in the open and Beerus said he was self-centered for feeling guilt#+ he lowkey enjoys the rivalry it keeps him goal-oriented so he can't get complacent and lazy which is what triggered his Buu Saga breakdow#realized how Fucked Up it was that having a home and loving family made him feel like he was failing and went 'wait no I won actually??'#now he's chill as fuck in the manga. cool confident leader.#and sometimes he is childish and dumb with Goku as a treat#you know what rocks about his rivalry with Goku in Super though is that it's Playful. Vegeta is learning how to Play.#You ever seen a shelter dog get introduced to a really playful dog and it takes a minute for the shelter dog to understand it's safe here#And then they're both running around the backyard playing hot potato with one braincell?? That's Goku and Vegeta's relationship#and the way the anime sleeps on that dynamic is so fucking criminal especially when it's literally canon it's in print it's out there#you had the playbook how'd you fumble it this bad#anyway that's my 25+ year blorbo thoughts I love Geets a lot okay#And I love Goku in the manga a lot I'd forgotten that he's actually a great character when Toei's not fucking up his whole vibe
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what the fuck don't even talk to me right now good omens is my favourite thing ever it helped me through a lot and now I get an ending in under 2 hours? this is literally devastating I sound like I'm choking every time I open my mouth to speak it's like the whole world is spinning so fast idk how to process this I'm barely breathing
#good omens#it literally helps me every time something bad happens. i put it on and im better#its literally the most important thing in my life and i know it shouldn't be but its not like i can decide to stop caring#i feel like im about to have an anxiety attack bear with me for a second#also what the fuck. what an amazing birthday gift really guys. tomorrow is my birthday and i get this. whatever#they couldn't wait two days
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mann im going to get my blood reports tomorrow and im lwk scared
#mostly it's fine but i looked up this medicine the doc prescribrd me and she said it's for weight loss#but i looked it up and everywhere it said it's for type 2 diabetes#to control blood sugar levels when it's so wildly out of control that nothing is fixing it#why would she give me that??? i mean im obviously gonna ask but tab tak ki anxiety bhai#i have barely processed the fact that pcod is a chronic illness which means im going to have it forever im mostly avoiding thinking about#it cause it feels too big and unbearable#diabetes would be fucking wild man im 21 years old#i am doing so terrible in not turning out to be like my dad lol i want to cry#i just hate hate hate this so much#like i was trying really fucking hard but depression wasn't getting fixed and i kept eating sleeping being in bed all day#like how can one illness cause another be frr man give me a break 😭#and i cannot even officially say depression i just sorta googled thr symptoms and relate to them most days but not everyday#so like#what is all this for#ugh goodnight i hope i wake up and it's all alright#i don't want to be a calorie counting sweet avoiding freak i love chocolate
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Highschool sucks because I could get hit in the face with a soccer ball at full speed and only 2 girls will care enough to ask if I'm okay
#totally isnt what happened today or anything#ummm anyways my face still hurts a little bit but im mainly feeling fine now#SHOUT OUT TO THOSE 2 GIRLS THOUGH. THEY WERE ALSO THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ASKED IF I WAS OKAY AFTER AN ASTHMA ATTACK THE OTHER DAY#theyre really sweet#id try to be friends with them but they dont seem like the type of people who would want to be friends with the girl who doesnt talk#so far being friendless at school has only caused a few tears to be shed. living it up guys#plus like i have really bad social anxiety you all know this i cant go up to people or ill cry#but yknow whatever im fine with being alone. it gives me more time to draw i guess#doesnt matter#FUCK THOSE BOYS WHO KICKED THE SOCCER BALL IN MY FACE#MY GLASSES CUT MY NOSE AND I HAVE A BLACK BRUISE NOW#it hurts to have my glasses on my face but i need them super bad i cant see 2 inches away from my face#ughhhhh im so tired of my school. i cant do this#text post#shut up hazel
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dude i just waited like 10 minutes to meet this famous indonesian director guy. go in. he basically tells me i need to stop having anxiety to become a filmmaker? then dismissed me what the fuck 😭😭😭
#ever think of the circumstances#oh maybe i’m 17 and this is my first job and it’s only my 3rd day and ur like one of the heads of this company and i had no idea i was gonn#be meeting u#YOU FONT KNOW WHAT IM LIKE WHEN IM ON MY OWN FILM SETS LOL#i’m sure my actors can attest that i’m not really shy then#NOT TO MENTION I HAVE THE FUCKING!!!! UNMEDICATED DISORDERS#PLEASE#it just felt very rude to me like he doesn’t know me#he’s just like let’s give this teenager with anxiety useless advice#like stfu#shut up mars
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I literally do not have anything smart to say here, this drawing literally only happened because my siblings were telling me I should post my brainrot doodles on here, and my anxiety-ridden ass couldn't do it, and decided the only solution was to spend days (read: the entire latter end of April) working on a proper drawing because "if I'm going to post anything on tumblr, it better be a full-ass drawing"
#little fire's art#dragon ball#kaioshin#db shin#grand supreme kai#north supreme kai#south supreme kai#west supreme kai#idk the proper tags#and I don't really care rn#I just want to get this posted so I can hide in the Void for a million years or so#anyway#normal db fan: MY FAV CHARACTER IS [insert super duper powerful character here]#meanwhile#me: *holds up Shin* blorbo...#but hey this drawing did make me make some big steps out of my comfort zone for art#so I guess my db brainrot is good for something??#also for the record I DID finish this a couple days ago#my anxiety just prevented me from posting it here until now#but technically it's still a contender for April's art piece for the end of the year art summary#I'M NOT GOING TO MISS TWO M0NTHS#Feb sucked bc my tablet said fuck you and I had to replace it#if anything looks wonky pose-wise just remember I don't use pose refs much#bc I hate myself#no really#I just about drove myself insane one night trying to figure out how to draw Shin's right arm#bc the angle is weird and idk why I did this to myself#shut the fuck up Fire
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help there’s a man coming over to my apartment today
#I know I invited him here#but oh boy I did not expect all the trains to come back up#jfc#may’s anxiety tag#also a reason why I’ve been very inactive here lately I apologize#but the fear/panic/trauma(?) kind of has me paralyzed these days which is very fucking frustrating#because I know the danger isn’t really#there#like it’s all in my head#he’s really nice#my head is not#anyway#rant over
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#he just said “you know- i dont really care that youre neurodivergent! it doesn't really affect me!”#and he means it as a positive but like. are you fucking kidding me#i struggle every single day because of how my neurodivergence affects my life#i have no close friends in real life because my autism makes me noticibly “off” when people get to know me#everyone holds me at arms length. friendly- but they never want to hang out#my anxiety makes me incapable of doing tasks like “asking a question at the grocery store” and “calling my own job where i know everybody”#but dont worry. it doesnt affect him so its fine#im. god.
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in light of lie detector tests irl being mostly bullshit, especially so for people with anxiety, combined with fandom shoving all their mental disorders onto their faves cuz projection is fun, i propose a much more chaotic take on zuko joining the gaang wherein toph can NOT get a fuckin read on this guy and kind of wants him to just sit down and breathe for a second thanks, your heartrate is giving her a headache
#as with most of my ideas#time for jokes#the gaang ends up at a standstill cuz they really DO need a firebending teacher#but they cant fuckin tell if zuko is lying#at first they assume he's just like azula#but then toph's genuine concern for his heart health shuts that down#and so they begin opperation calm zuko the fuck down#which does not work at all#cuz the gaang suddenly switching from 'mm dont trust you' to 'hey lets do a spa day' is concerning to say the least#and then joke prompts aside#the angst potential if toph ever misinterprets anxiety as a lie#especially in the early days of zuko joining the gaang#things could go wrong pretty fast#is hyper anxious zuko pretty ooc? yeah#do i care? no#two versions of any character in my head#one is classic best efoort interpretation of canon#other is a free for all of headcanons and projection#both are valid and both are constantly pinging around in my head#you dont get to choose how i play with my dolls asgjfhdh#atla#zuko#toph#book three#insp
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I feel like I may take the break from school I have to just... not do anything. my brain has barely worked for me to write anything the past few days, and what I do write just seems meh
I'll still be here. still be lurking and talking but don't expect much (or any) writing soon
#rant in the tags#I also feel like I'm terrible at talking to others and take things too personally ugh#I feel like I talk about myself too much and feel like an asshole#or just talk way too much and I think I freak people out#this is anxiety talking hello I know this isn’t true ugh#I really needed this break from school I feel like I'm drowning I have so much going on#which feels like a bother to bring up as well#but like... I really love teaching but this year has made me rethink a lot of things bc our system is FUCKED and everyone gets#fucked over bc of it#haven’t been feeling like a good teacher lately or just appreciated in general#had a kid tell me “well that's your job” today and yeah been thinking about it all day bc YES it is my job#but is this all I am??? a machine who wakes up and teaches then goes home?? I put so much effort into#the things I do and none of it gets seen and ugh#dodger rants
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🚗‼️
#driving win today!!!!!#was singing (gently) on the way home from work!!!!#it took several years just to not cry every single trip behind the wheel and so to be okay enough to sing a little was huge for me :3#i put on my milgram covers playlist and was vibing to all harukas songs 💙 ty kingsleigh and rachie#its been such a gradual process - its really exciting to have an actual visible milestone of my anxiety going down 😅#theres still a lot i need to work on lmao but im happy with this for now#also how the FUCK is it time for bed already??? where does all the time in the day go???#i will reply to people tomorrow but i wanted to real quickly document a win!!! 😎#rose rambles
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I just had a friend thank me for letting him talk 😭 like sir that is just what a conversation is
#its distressing to me how little most people have had. socially speaking#like its come up a lot recently so im just thinking about it a lot but damn#so many people have just... never had friends?#never had anyone appreciate them or be affectionate towards them or care about them 😭#its so depressing#like everyone deserves that#i had one person even tell me that i was THE FIRST PERSON to ever ask them how their day was?? wtf#they were COLLEGE AGED. what the fuck#thats messed up ;w;#anyways this is why i try my best to be nice to everyone even when i have anxiety about it because damn#the world really really needs it#this is your reminder to ask how your friends are doing and remind them you care and appreciate them
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